Mean Boys - EP 180 - Soccer With Binoculars (feat. Carmen Morales & Bryan Vokey)

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Check out Carmen and Bryan's podcast, No Sir I Don't Like It: https://apple.co/2GkWa1r Bryce's GoFundMe: www.facebook.com/donate/240097606…240665013522439/ Get a Meanie: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Sign up for Stitch Fix at stitchfix.com/meanboys and get 25% off your first box! Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest Carmen Morales on Twitter: twitter.com/thefunnycarmen Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, the Mean Boys podcast once again, keepin' it fruity, keepin' it stank-tacular. Yeah, we're talking straight up fruity pebbles, my dude. Uh, that's the show you tuned into. Wow, what a good use of your time, listener. Keepin' it fuckin' blueberry-licious with Carmen Morales and Brian Fochie, two of our favorite people you've never heard of. Oh dude, these are two phenomenal comedians out here. Yeah, most of the No Sir, I Don't Like It podcast. They both got a pretty bad attitude, which I love.

Because I got a bad attitude, and it makes me think, oh, I think that guy's funny, and he's also a piece of shit. So maybe there's hope for me. Yeah, L.A. is full of a lot of people just smiling with tears in their eyes, like one day it's going to work out. Brian and Carmen are not like that. They're from Florida, so they've seen evil. Brian and Carmen walk into any situation, be it metaphorical or not, break a bottle,

take a hostage, and start shitting to claim their territory. They're two scroungers. They're real people. Underdogs. Yeah. And they got a podcast called No Sir, I Don't Like It. We got all the links for that in the show notes. I haven't heard it.

I'm sure it's funny. Yeah. If you like them more than you like us, you check it out. That's how podcasting that's how it's sponsored by a bidet company a lot of cool shit to get to in this intro first of all the mean boys are going on goddamn tour yeah what we are yeah we are we're going everywhere we're going to fucking houston texas oh i know about that place texas that place too barbecue dallas texas no way more like playing kansas city not te fuck, dude. I'm never going to shit again in my life. Yeah, we were taking a real trip through the fucking beef belt of God's great. The beef belt.

When we name a city, I'm picturing the food we're going to go get. It's always been barbecue. And my asshole is going, oh, my God, stop. Kansas City, Missouri. St. Louis, Missouri. Nashville, Tennessee. Indianapolis, Indiana. Yeah. new announcement.

New announcement. I'm on the toilet in a cape. Indianapolis, Nashville, Tennessee, Orlando, Florida, and maybe a couple other ones still to be announced. We're making deals. We're making hustles. We're talking about it. People have been making moves. I don't know that we're going to be able to get to Atlanta.

Yeah, I realize we're giving some false hope to some people. It's looking like Atlanta's probably going to be a no-go this tour. I saw the messages, guys, and I feel bad. I want to get out there. We want to go. We will do a tour. We're still fucking poor. Tell more of your friends in Atlanta.

Yeah, we're poor. There's a lot of reasons why it's not going to work this time, but we promise we will get to Atlanta. We love you guys. That's we're poor. There's a lot of reasons why it's not going to work this time, but we promise we will get to Atlanta. We love you guys. That's the tour stuff. San Diego as well. San Diego, March 22nd, doing a live Mean Boys. February 22nd.

Doing a live Mean Boys. We're going to try to get some cool Los Angeles guests for you guys. Maybe you might see a big celebrity like Opie or Randy. Yo, the Opie? Yeah, dude A personal muffin tin No variety

Yeah, so fucking come out to those shows All those tickets are on sale right now at MeanBoysPodcast.com Yeah, and please buy tickets so that we know that you're coming And they're also cheaper on the internet Yeah, save some cash and let the MeanBoys think that, oh my god, maybe we didn't blow $900.

Yeah. That would be a real good time for you guys to buy. Help reassure us that we have not failed in planning this tour. A lot of podcasts are above begging. Not the Mean Boys. This intro is going to be so funny if no one comes to any of the shows. Oh, my God. Well, yeah, it will.

And then we'll make fun of that and we'll bounce back. It's a shame-based economy. We can't lose. It's like the producers. What we're saying is don't buy tickets to the show. Yeah, we're touring Comic-Con throughout the South. That Comic-Con show where no one shows. I guess this is too inside.

No, you took nine steps. Yeah, you know what? I'll take ten if I want to. Hey, here's some other fun stuff that's going on. Yeah, speaking of not being able to take steps, me and Keith have answered a new special announcement. Yeah. Yeah, me and Tom are having a weight loss challenge from now until March 27th when we fly out to Houston. And I suggested percentages, but we're doing it by pounds because Keith's a little bitch baby.

Yeah, yeah. I'm actually being informed of all this in real time. Yeah, Tom. I came home and this was happening. Tom will literally bleed from his anus if he tries to calculate body percentages. Like, imagine. Tom will bleed from his anus somewhere around. I will bleed from my anus for fucking fun.

I don't give a shit. Here's what will happen if Tom has to calculate a body percentage. He will sit in front of an abacus, look at it for 48 minutes, and then the room will catch on fire. You think I got abacus money? You're about to spark a very strong opinion that I happen to know Tom has about abacuses. Yeah, fuck abacuses. Fuck the abacus. Tom has yelled at me

about abacuses for hours. Point is, we're going to see who can lose the most weight. We still need to figure out what the stakes for this bet are. Which is where you come in. Jump over to our Twitter. Are there going to be Porterhouse, T-Bone, Tri-Tip? Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all our social media. Go over there. Let us know

what you think. Yeah, somebody already made that joke. Oh, fuck. Yeah, let us know what you think the stakes for this bet should be. There have been a lot of fun suggestions already. A ton. A lot of cage-related suggestions. Yeah. Salisbury. But this is not how I want to get you in the cage. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's the only way you could get me in the cage. We'll see about that. This is Keith and Tom's corner of the show where they ruin it. Yeah. Sorry. I'll be over here. Over here not having a bit. You're pontificating on pots.

I'm the bit where I'm shitting on your bit. And frankly, I think mine's better. Well, here's where I watch this finesse slide do a bit. Hey, I noticed you have the iTunes reviews open on your computer. Oh, yeah, guys. What happens at 500 iTunes reviews? We tase Tom. We tase Tom.

Yeah. At a Mean Boys live event for your viewing pleasure at the lucky audience. Yeah. I guess whoever buys the most pre-sales gets tased. That happened last time with the suit. Oh, yeah, we did. So that's the rule. And that's an if you guys

actually leave enough reviews for this to happen because we have to hit 500 if we don't hit 500 before the tour it goes to the next place we tour this podcast is like listening to npr during like begging week yeah yeah i know what are we doing if you uh buy a tote bag fuck your wife all right guys uh it's great. Five stars. Adam SK216. If you've been missing out on the loving but deeply hurtful nature of having your close friends rip you apart verbally, this is the podcast you should be listening to. Aw.

Wow. Thanks. What a guy. Adam SK. You know what's funny? You know what's funny? That's the good review that's well written and thoughtful is creepier than the ones where they just say Tom should fuck Connor for Keith's friend. what if you guys were super gay though yeah you know what what about black tom

though you know you know i left like five itunes reviews for different shows that my friends do today and i realized i've never left one for mean boys and now it seems i've never done it i did it for i did it for your new show i did it for all my friends other shows but i've never done it. I did it for your new show. I did it for all my friends' other shows, but I've not done it for Mean Boys. New episode preview episode right now where I went on a 2,000-mile road trip with my ex-girlfriend, by the way, because I'm an idiot.

I listen to both episodes. It's a fun podcast, man. I thought it was funny, dude. Oh, thanks, dude. You get to hear vulnerable Connor. Oh, what a treat. That was too vulnerable? Yeah, I compare Jessica's pussy to a coach's hoodie sleeve.

Yeah, that's vulnerability, all right? You made fun of a woman's vagina. Gym track, fucking sweaty, dirty hoodie sleeve with no elastic. I like that your version of having an emotion is pussy bad. You were still making Keith and Tom are fat jokes on your new podcast. Yes, I was. And it was funny. Man, you're beating a dead horse cross-platform now.

That's unbelievable. Okay, so this actually brings me to my new challenge. The Connor has to come up with a new bit challenge. Are you guys just kidding? Seven years strong, still no progress. Dude, I keep getting owned. You're getting dunked upon, my dude. It's humiliating.

Is this what I've been doing to people? I'm a monster. Quick shout out. Thank you to everybody who donated to Bryce Fisher's cancer GoFundMe thing on Facebook that we plugged last week. He actually hit me up. We actually bought him a new face. No, he hit me up on Instagram. He has no idea who we are. It was just

referred by a fan. He really appreciated it. I know I missed one of you guys, and I promised everyone a Karnak shoutout, so fucking way to go, PoeZombie! There you go. If there's no momentum behind Karnak, it's hard to do. Wait, his name's Poe Zombie?

Look, I'm going off the Discord names for some of these, so they're fucking retarded. Yeah, dude. Well played, Wiener Master 666. Oh, okay. That's shockingly not a real guy. If you thought, couldn't there be more of this? Well, then head on over to patreon.com slash mean boys wow four more hours of this a month ta-da only five dollars a bargain at twice the price oh you can't pay twice the price for a

keychain bet your dick uh so that's those are options available to you. Yeah, do those things. I get creative with the plugs. Yeah, you do. Jump on the Mean Boys subreddit, Mean Boys Discord. Links to that are in the show notes. Those are both fun, thriving places to go talk to the fans. There's currently a pretty great thing on the Discord. They're doing a Choose Your Own Adventure Mean Boys Battle Royale game.

They're still doing that? They are. They just switched over to playing as me because you died. You got shot in the face. By who? I swear to God this is true. A gun taped to a door. You got home alone in the fucking skull with buckshot, you

fucking dingus. Have I entered this scenario? No, they're going one by one and when we die off they play the next one so if when i inevitably die you'll be uh you'll be next up yeah they're probably gonna connor fell in a big fat lady and drowned but that's being written by a super fan alexis uh death of the filth and it's honestly really fun like who i was thinking about for like 10 minutes in the car i was like she's really great fan and she's awesome wonderful person and a lot of like mean boys like look somebody is out there writing very detailed samir suri fan fiction and honestly killing it like we're genuinely writing like pitch perfect samir dialogue for if he was

trapped on the hunger games island podcasting's fucking weird. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. So go check that out. Anything else we got to plug? I don't think so. Just enjoy these two jams, Carmen and Brian. I wanted to have them on the show together for everyone. It was a treat.

And it's a classic, shitty, mean, fun, mean boys episode. Yeah. Yeah. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. The world doomsday clock just got moved to two minutes to midnight. Finally, some good news. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Carmen Morales.

I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm the white dude you cross the street for. Nice. Are you coming to me or where? The other side of the street. Wherever you aren't is the best place to be. I do the same thing to people. I figure we're in the same boat.

The human form of a pit bull. Walking down the street, Tom is on one block, Brian's on the other block. Just kill yourself. Yeah, just jump with him. Jump down the street, Tom is on one block, Brian's on the other block. Just kill yourself. Yeah, just jump with him. Jump down that manhole, baby. Brian has like, resting, hey, let me get a cigarette face. That's true, but I thought you meant I get robbed a lot. That's what I took it as.

People are crossing the street to rob me. You guys are like, if I punch out all his teeth, I get a teddy bear. You're like when they open a Starbucks and a coffee bean next door to each other, but for buying heroin. Right. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.

Hey, I'm creeping this corner. No, I'm good. This is my creepy corner. Wow. Brian, Brian Vokey and Carmen Morales are in the trap with us. Hey, guys. Great to have you back, Carmen. Brian Vokey, one of our favorites.

We wanted to have you on forever. You have that fucking sarcastic voice no matter what you say. Nothing sounds more disrespectful than Connor saying a sincere thing. I know. I love Brian. Oh, I love having you guys here, fucking pieces of shit. It's so fucking great. I value your gay-ass time.

You know what's funny? I love having four shitheads in my room for two hours. What a great deal for me. I've always thought you hated me, but in my mind, it wasn't a problem because I was like, I get that. Like, I hate me too. I think you're great. I'm always excited to see you and shit. But then this is just the way I act or my personality. That guy despises me when I'm like, hey, Brian.

Oh, sure. I've been best friends with you. I'm not nice. I'm very nice to you, I think. I don, sure. I've been best friends with... I'm not nice. I'm very nice to you, I think. I don't know. I really can't ever tell with me. I've been best friends with Connor for half a decade, and I still think he hates me. You'd be surprised at my internal

monologue, because I really do. I'm like, you know, I think everybody's pretty much good. And you can find things to get along with. Meanwhile, he's just pulling his hair out. Fucking piece of shit You're smoking just naturally without a cigarette Harlem and smoke emitting from your nose Everything's fat and bad

Like a 14 year old with an 85 year old scowl Oh yeah dude That is what it is I'm already getting like My face is starting to crag up, and I'm just like seeing where the lines are going. I'm like, these are like Gran Torino, get off my lawn. I'm wrinkling in a very racist pattern.

It's a real bummer when you look in the mirror and you're like, oh, I'm going to be a man soon. Yeah. Oh, God. Your laugh lines hate Asians. What am I? They're Raffrines. Andrew Dice Clay're Raffrines. Andrew Dice Clay.

Raffrines. The new podcast with Bobby Lee. Raffrines. You can hear the dick on the show. His dick has its own mic. It's just sitting underneath the thing. It's like a wet flap onto it. He's got a contact mic on his purple balls. No, it's got a laval own mic. It's just sitting underneath the thing. There's like a wet flap onto it. He's got a contact mic on his purple balls.

He's adjusting his little spring. No, it's got a lavalier mic like he's doing a Wayne Brady show. The first time I ever went to the comedy store, I saw Bobby Lee's dick within 30 seconds and I was like, Hollywood's exactly what I thought it would be. Brian and Carmen host the No Sir, I Don't Like It podcast.

Tell us about it a little bit. It's a great show. It's super fun. It's a comedy podcast where we just talk about shit we don't like. It's a never-ending premise. It's like a soap opera. We have guests on who have a list of grievances. It's been going since the 1930s.

Rexo, what's wrong with the soap I've got in my cabinet now? It's the days of the cans and pie. It's like the days of our lives of people you've never heard of complaining about. Yeah, exactly. Let me tell you about this Dewey fella. No way, Pete Stroman. No way. Mel Blanc's legendary Rancho Cucamonga bit was on the first episode of No Sir, I Don't Like It.

Oh, man, dude. Because we never run out of comedians, and comedians never run out of shit they don't like. So it's, you know, we're just never going to run out of content. It's nice to see somebody finally bringing negativity to the internet. I'm just also tired of... Not me. My whole mind's a zen garden of joy. Yeah, that's never been us, the mean boys.

We sure have never brought in some negativity. I thought it was like means to an end type. Yeah, sure. We've never made fun of the veterans who say the show helps them not cry before bed. I've never mocked them extensively for no reason. My Jeep exploded. Oh, I thought it was a backpack, but it was a trick. Why don't you jog about it, Stumpy?

Pay attention in school. What kind of gas station pow MIA sticker am I going to put on my plastic foot? I don't know. Maybe the red one? Dude, I legitimately hate the troops. Go on. Let's fucking hit this. Says that former troop.

My stroke. Take us away. Worst things that ever happened to me were done by those fuckers. He's so self-loathing. Why'd you pick the army out of all the branches? Well, I wasn't smart enough for the Air Force, not tough enough for the Marines and the Navy. Come on, who does that? The Marines rejected me.

I wasn't good. What quarrel have you with the Coast Guard, Mr. Vokey? That's not even fucking Department of Defense. They don't even exist on my radar. That's like saying you do comedy and somebody asks what kind and you say improv it's like yeah technically yeah all right snatch cubans up a tire every time don't talk about my family like that she's brian with a fishing pole oh no he got dia i like the idea of going up to a guy in the coast guard and be like thank you for your service he's like big air quotes yeah and be like, thank you for your service. Quotes on quotes.

I really appreciate your service. You know how our coast is always under attack. I love the idea of like 9-11 happens, they're mobilizing every other troop, and then the Coast Guard's all gathered around one phone waiting for it to ready. I just wish Pacific Rim

was real so we could see how incompetent these boobs really are. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, look at you guys had, what, only 200 years off? I thought you'd be nice and fresh for the big one. You got it, boss. Kai Jude. Just immediately.

All they really do is net fucking bales of coke out of the ocean. I like the teachers. It's, what, those who can do, do. Those who can't, join the Coast Guard. And those who can't get in the Coast Guard, teach P.E. The Coast Guard, Baywatch with a gun. Airsoft. It's an airsoft rifle.

They just have the Red Ryder like in a Christmas story. Yeah, exactly. Oh, dude, I like that the Coast Guard's like their mom pins a note to their shirt and be like, Don't let him. Make sure this commissary is limited. He didn't clean his room. The Coast Guard was actually the first branch that I tried to join. I got rejected from all of them.

The first branch was on that eucalyptus tree, but they rejected me when I was too fat because I wanted to be the first grunge koala. So you had too much chlamydia to be a koala. I feel like I know the answer, but why were you rejected? Oh, because I was fucking insane. Did you show up, like, naked, sweating? No, no, no. Let me in.

There was a lot of, there was a lot of, I want to fight a fish. Tom applied for the Coast Guard like the Coast Guard broke up with him. To win him back. I love you. I'll be your candy man boat. When you describe how insane you used to be? I just picture every time you'd walk into a room, the sound. Wah!

What's that? It's funny because you're like, what are you, 22? I'm 25. Yeah. That's the youngest anyone has ever thought Tom is. Yeah. Yeah, genuine. This is six months ago, Brian.

Well, I think three years ago I heard him say he was 22 and then he didn't age a day after because I was shocked because you were, I remember you said, yeah, I look like I've been aged at the bottom of a river. Someone put Tom in a rock polisher

from ages five to 19. Yeah. A gold rush dude got him in a pan. So how did the Coast Guard application go? Oh, they were like, yeah, you're not going to get.

It's that Coast Guard said, do you like me circling? Yes. No. And he wrote, circled or, and they were like, yeah, you're not going to get it. Coast Guard said, do you like me circling? Yes or no. And he wrote circled or, and they're like, no, this isn't going to work. Circled or? What? I thought you used those for rowing.

That seemed like a slam dunk. On a scale of one to ten, do you float? Yeah, they just pretty much were like, hey, a lot of medical stuff has shown up. You're too crazy. I got literally on your wrists. You're too crazy to be on a boat. Your wrists look like the back of a manatee. Yeah, the only bridge that almost let me join was the Army.

Yeah? Yeah, they were the only ones who thought about it. You're too crazy for the Army. Yeah. Yeah. They were the only ones who thought about it. You're too crazy for the army. That's tough to do. You were underqualified to get shot. Yeah. Well, every doctor's first note was, under no circumstances do you let him join the military.

Yeah. Maybe he could be the kitchen guy. Yeah. Apparently, they read. They can read in the military. Nah, potato peeler's too risky. Yeah. This guy's only fit to shoot up a school.

Suicide by peel? That sounds just like a fat Italian grandma commits suicide. Today's special is goodbye cruel world Al Groton. Would you like some Tom's zest in your martini, sir? Freshly zested me for your drinking enjoyment. Oh, fuck, man. Well, hey, we're all fired up. Yeah, I'm having fun.

This is good. We should get into the Mexican joke-off gang. Hi, so topical. Okay, what we do here is we scour the internet for the most relevant news of the day, and we crack wise about it. I'll take us away this week. A Canadian man is pled guilty to murdering eight homosexual men. This gay serial killer is being referred to as the Grindr Grindr. All right, all right.

Real dumb. A woman tore her pancreas apart in a freak snowboarding accident. Her doctor commented, yeah, she really shouldn't have eaten that snowboard. She really shouldn't have eaten that snowboard. I don't know why I said it like that. Oh, boy. I went to do the snowboarding, and then I want to take a picture, but man, run away with camera. Vacation ruined.

This is a genuine question. Was tore her pancreas apart in the article? Yes. Okay, because I don't know if that's gnarly. Oh, yeah. No, I'm so not aware. This is a genuine question. Was tore her pancreas apart in the article? Yes. Okay, I didn't know if that's gnarly. Oh, yeah. No, I can't believe she tore it apart. Yeah, I can't believe she's fucking alive. Her pancreas is fucking shredded.

I am a real American. Sweethearts Candy, a conversation hearts, will not be available this Valentine's Day, but the company will be donating its remaining supply to the Chicago Police Department to outline their copious amounts of dead bodies. Oh, yeah, I saw that. There's going to be no Sweethearts this year. It's like, I wouldn't care, but then now I'm like, oh, I like eating three of those a year

and going, I still don't like these. I like to crush them up when I was a kid and when my mom would pick me up from football practice, I would pretend that she was catching me doing coke. Yeah, that stuff's fun. That's pretty fun. Brian has a lot of punk rock tattoos. I was just imagining like a white 14-year-old guy just seeing the anarchy symbol on your hand and going, oh, dude, I love the Avengers.

Oh, which one's your favorite? I like Aquaman. Which Avenger are you? I like Aquaman. I like Emma Goldman. That was a good one for nine people. You want to talk about the Avengers? How about we talk about the heroes in the Irish Republican Army?

How about the Haymarket Affair of 1888? How about that, buddy? No, I'm really looking more for, like, Thor. The Haymarket Affair? Didn88? How about that, buddy? No, I'm really looking more for Thor. The Haymarket Affair? Didn't you play bass for them for a while? All right, guys. Speaking of politics. Oh, you skipped me, dude.

I didn't know it was in. I thought it was chaos, dude. No, bro. It's fucking a simple clockwise circle. This is why I've always hated you. I love a good circle joke. All right, guys. Oh hated you. It's a circle joke. I love a good circle joke. All right, guys. Oh, shit.

Let's... Okay, a Pennsylvania man claims his emotional support alligator has cured his anxiety and depression. Keith Carey's mother's husband told the media, that's no emotional support alligator. That's my wife. My favorite part of that is that you said emotional support alligator and Tom got sad. Now you're too well moisturized. Oh, thank you. I'm going to try to bounce off that theme.

A polar vortex has frozen the Midwest, leaving the entire region wondering how long this icy nightmare will last. In other news, I didn't know my ex-wife changed her name to Polar Vortex. Oh, hell yeah, dude. My fucking ex-wife. Take that, Tim! Fuck this! You guys can't see him if he's doing the Johnny Carson golf call back there right now. Polar Vortex.

You used to be married? There's nothing better than that. Tom, stop ruining the fun. Hey, man, you were the army. You could have been married. You think all jokes are true? Classic ex-wife joke. Nothing better than a cross-punks doing schtick.

That's what I want to see, a bunch of freegans doing some nice bow-tie spinning and flower squirting. That is literally my favorite kind of comedy. Cross-punks stick. All right. Oh, boy. A cafe is making headlines for employing people with mental disabilities. Their slogan is the Olive Tardin. When you're here, your parents were family.

Oh, my God. That's awesome. Olive Tardin. Kate Hudson has come forward asking for people to stop saying she is raising her child genderless. Connor McSpadden's parents agree, saying, yes, please stop saying that about our it. Oh, okay. You see, because everyone likes me so much, you can't laugh at a joke about me. I'm way too lovable.

Smug rooster. I told you what I called my production company. I just filed the forms yesterday. Smug roso production. The polar vortex is hitting the Midwest, and it's expecting to hit record lows of negative 60 degrees. Experts say this will cause power outages, frozen pipes, and even the cargo shorts guy will be wearing socks with his sandals. Man, what is it about cargo shorts that that's a commitment? Those guys, like, more than marriage.

It's just a fanny pack you can wear on your legs. Yes, it absolutely is. Just junk drawers on your thighs. Yeah, well, it's always the guy you see in cargo shorts is never a guy who has a life that merits that many accessories. You don't need to store a thing. There's no valuable cargo. You're not a carpenter. Yeah, no one has ever needed you to give them a thing.

Fucking at Skatefest during the weigh-in, he fucking got a thing, and then he unloaded basically an apartment worth of shit out of his cargo shorts. Were you there? Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking... Why do you have to fit a copy of Mein Kampf? Perfect. Right there in the holster.

Well, actually... From the German Kargen shorts. Actually designed by Hugo Boss, ironically, since they're considered low fashion now. It really just makes you look like a mule as a person. That'd be good to do. A burro going up a mountain. Looks like an old-timey director's pants. A German Bruce Springsteen cover band called the Hugo Boss.

That'd be fun. Alright, guys. A woman killed a cyclist with her car while high on her dog Xanax. You know you're a cunt when your emotional support animal needs Xanax. This bitch is stressing me out. Earlier this week, DSA darling and socialist sex symbol Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez addressed Congress for the first time. The speech was a rousing success, despite referring to President Trump several times as dad. Man, I like her a lot.

I'm really over this thing where we're like, this politician is bae. I'm like, we need to chill the fuck out. Yeah. We need to change the Constitution so she can be president tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Like, is she, like, qualified or, like, really good? Nah, but she knows how to tweet her good.

Like, legitimately. She's good in, like, 120 characters. Like, the first person to ever give me hope about the American political system. But, like, shut the fuck up already. 100%. You guys, like, it's great, but goddamn. I only wrote that joke just to call her socialist sex symbol. That was a pretty good Robbie Goodwin tweet.

He's like, I'm finally ready to deliver my public stance on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She's hot. An employee at a Disney World restaurant has been suspended after contracting hepatitis. Nothing's worse than going to a restaurant and you order a Coke and the waiter says, we don't have Coke, but we do have Hep C. Fuck. ISIS is having success recruiting via YouTube advertisements. In other news, Mean Boys is still getting flagged for copyright infringement.

Way to go, NSA. I've really got to make sure Sony Records gets all that Death Grips residual. Ex-Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says he will run in the 2020 election. When asked about being the next U.S. president, he corrected them by saying, It's Presidente. election when asked about being the next u.s president he corrected them by saying it's god damn dude there's a the starbucks by our house the one on sunset has fucking this like like nitro cold brew bar inside of it where it's like made to look like some sort of like dr jekyll and mr hyde laboratory they have They have, like, fucking beakers. It's nuts.

And there's always some guy with a fucking, like, a blonde beard and a lavender suit with no socks just going, could I have the cuntiest potion that you can brew, sir? Nothing's lamer than, like, corporations being like, make it look artisanal. Yeah, it's just all Edison bulbs. Like, it looks like, you know, like a just girly

human experimentation Frankenstein laboratory thing. It makes me mad. All right, guys. A Prague man robbed a convenience store using only his penis. He's currently awaiting sentencing as an ACDC rock opera is being written about him. How? Freeze, this is a dick up. I know exactly how.

If you did that to me, I'd give you whatever you wanted to go away. You show me a gun, I'm like, well, I can avoid the bullets. I might have a gun. But if you just whip your dick out, I'm like, he knows something I don't. He pulled out a hard-ass dick and he said, I have a knife. Give me all your money. And the lady was like, I don't get paid enough, sure. That'd be straight out of David Allen Coe's autobiography.

He's just screaming, this is what got me rejected from the Coast Guard. It's funny. You let David Allen Coe autoplay on YouTube. You're like, man, this guy's a great songwriter. And then you get to the fucking racist ones. And you're like, whoa. Dude, I was cleaning my house. And I live with very, very uptight progressive people.

I was cleaning my house to a playlist. And one of his songs came on. And I dove in slow motion because he was like, I've been working like a. And I was like. No one needs was like I've been working like and I was like I just wanted to listen to mama tried I just wanted to listen to mama tried is it my turn yeah an apple facetime bug allows collars to hear you before you even pick up so I guess Nana knows how much I love interracial pregnancy porn. Man, whenever I see the pregnant porn thumbnail, I get so sad.

I know. It's the cruelest one, but I'm into it. I don't hate it. A Brisbane woman was hospitalized after being bitten by a snake while on a toilet. A snake in a toilet is also known as an Australian bidet. Were you guys sponsored by a bidet company? We are, yeah. Go to brondell.com, put in the promo code NOSIR and get 20% off.

I only used a bidet once and it got stuck on, so I had to sit and block the water with my ass for like 10 minutes while I pressed every button. So what you mean is you came? I was at a wrestling star Rob Van Dam's house, and I was very afraid to be the guy who broke the bidet in front of a shit-faced former wrestler. You broke RBD's bidet? Yeah.

You just wait until he passed out on Xanax and then left. Soccer star Andres Anista has got in trouble for a photo and blackfaced. He explained in the apology he didn't want to offend anyone. He just wanted to be racist a lot of these are bad that just sounds like a Andrew Dice Clay like defense of what I've chosen to represent myself oh shit hey I didn't want to hurt you I just wanted to be racist I can see him saying that for sure Why? Come on

It's funny cause they're gross Something about ours The insurance company payouts Due to the California wildfires Are expected to be 11.4 billion dollars Leaving the electric company PG&E Bankrupt Wow look who's power is getting fucking

cut off now bitch more like poor guilty and exactly what you deserve motherfuckers i like to think that you wrote in their parentheses be real sassy i did all right guys a connecticut woman got a dui for driving drunk on vanilla extract. There's nothing more Connecticut than putting others' lives at risk because you're shit-faced on candle ingredients. New report shows that alternative milk sales are exceeding traditional cow milk sales, which bodes well for me achieving my dream of having an urban gal smush a breast milk cheesecake in my face with her ass. I like that that was very much ABC7 eyewitness news. Make a cake with her ass.

Up next, Johnny Arizona with the weather. Oh, Johnny Arizona's back? I thought he had surgery. Is that the last one, or are we... No, we have one more. We have one more? All right, cool. One of America's leading gay conversion therapists has come out as gay.

In related news, David Duke has come out as black. Oh, boy. Okay. A fisherman was attacked and dragged into the ocean by a pod of sea lions. Expert of smelly ocean stuff Smirnoff says, In Soviet Russia, ocean fish is for you. I wrote that three minutes before they showed up. Smelly ocean.

It's fine. I'm trying to write one right now. I only have four, so we'll see how bad it gets. What are we doing here? What's going on? Why do you guys listen to this? A rideshare passenger stabbed a driver to death in arizona upsetting the rest of the people in the uber pool when questioned he responded when questioned his

motive he responded let me charge my phone officials were surprised by the stabbing because they thought everyone in arizona owned a gun upsetting everyone hey man just use your pistol bro have you ever thought about driving through phoenix and seeing all the minivan cops yet they have cops that just drive minivans in arizona yeah this is the most unintimidating are you going to write me a ticket on your fucking maxi pad officer

I'm not afraid uh oh is there an emergency is billy's blood sugar getting low you better be on the scene with some Teddy Graham stat. Shoot me with some orange slices? They got to go pick up the other racist cops from Target practice and give them Capri Suns. If I get pulled over, I'm just going to describe plots of Grey's Anatomy episodes until it gets too emotional. Of them getting busted down to the minivan.

Yeah, they're like, you don't get the car anymore, you're minivan now. We also have to wear a sweater tied around their neck. I'm sorry, but this offense is too grave. We've got to put you on Honda Odyssey duty for six months at least. Oh, chief, no! Just until the heat dies down, okay? We'll put you on park detail. Homeless masturbators and kids selling each other candy without giving sales tax to us.

Real easy stuff. You'll be back out there cracking skulls in no time, Billy. I'm sorry. That's a dope Arizona accent you got there. Thank you. No, it's me. Thank you very much.

Johnny Arizona. I love the desert and the various beasts within it. The sticker says my child is a police officer in Phoenix. The rattlesnakes are better

in Arizona. There's something in the water. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to drink the rest of this Colt 45 out of my cactus can cooler. Fits perfectly. All right, guys.

Pope Francis has come under fire after he called the Virgin Mary the, quote, first influencer. In another Stranger movie, he also called the burning bush, quote, Mesopotamian seesaw. Wait, influencer like an Instagram influencer? Yeah, yeah. I got another one about poop. All right, I'll do it. Yeah, please, because i don't even have a fifth joke and i don't want to make one i didn't have a fifth joke and stop me all right i'll read this one like brian stopping me reports say that kim jong-un uh man this one's also pretty bad oh no never mind three men were arrested for stealing 3500 worth of baby formula from a Walmart.

Why so expensive? Everyone knows the baby formula. You pee in her butt and wait nine weeks. Equals MC squared. There you go. Oh, man. That was fun. That was the first part of the show.

Mean Boys will be right back with some more fun right after this, guys. And now, the Mean Boys get halfway through recording a sketch before remembering none of them can do a Trump impression. No, I don't have a good one. Did you send it to Connor as well? Yeah, I sent it to both of you. Where, on Facebook? No, on email.

I sent it yesterday. We're building a wall. Trust me, the wall will be built. That's bad. It doesn't have to be great. No. Well, fine, dude. It's weird because it seems like it would be built. It doesn't have to be great. No. It's weird because it seems like it would be easy. No, tell them I won't

budge. Guys, we're building the wall. Trust me, the wall will be built. It's not bad. I love that we're the only three comedians in all of Los Angeles that cannot do a Trump impression. Hey, everybody. I'm Donald Trump.

What if you just said in the beginning of the sketch, for the sake of this sketch, Donald Trump is Scottish? Do not build the wall. Oh, no. Tell him I'm not budging. We're building the wall. Trust me. The wall will be built.

Honestly, that would be a pretty funny bit to just do a disclaimer. I'm down. It's your sketch time. You want to do it? Yeah. I have an idea for how to do it. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the following sketch contains an appearance by President Donald Trump.

However, nobody on the Mean Boys podcast can actually do an impression of President Donald Trump. Therefore, the role of President Donald Trump will be played by some Scottish guy. No, no, no. Tell them I won't budge. We're building the wall. Trust me. The wall will be built. That's not even really a good Scottish guy.

You normally do it. I did it pretty good earlier. No. Actually, it pretty good earlier. No. Actually, I can't anymore. I'll do the shit out of Bill Clinton. I know you will. Can you do Trump? Do Scottish guy.

What's a different voice we could do for it? Japanese. I'll do it. Japanese Trump? Yeah. No. No, tell him I won't budge Japanese Trump? Yeah. No. No, tell him I won't budge. We're building the wall.

Trust me, the wall will be built. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. Yeah, that's fine. No, tell him I won't budge. We're building the wall.

Trust me, the wall will be built. It's going to be a beautiful wall. George W. Bill Clinton. I can't do it. You killed it. I can't do it. You're killing it.

George W. Bill Clinton. What are you doing here? Why can't we do this? Oh, I actually thought I was doing it. Both of you guys were doing fine. It doesn't have to be a great... It's an audio format, so it's got to read as Trump.

What if Trump is just Tom speaking as himself? Yeah, that'd be pretty funny. I think that could work. No, tell them I won't budge. We're building the wall. Trust me, the wall will be built. What if this guy is just trying to do Trump impressions? I honestly think this is pretty funny

It's kind of a bold idea But what if this was the pod What if we're doing outsider art here? What if the podcast is us trying to do this? And then I just save the sketch for when we have a comic Who can do a trumpet impression Yeah, we just rebook Jeremiah Watkins Honestly, it would be pretty funny to just release what just happened Save the sketch for when we have a comic who can do a Trump impression. Yeah, we should rebook Jeremiah Watkins.

Oh, yeah. Honestly, it would be pretty funny to just release what just happened and do a, And now the main voice of the sketch is not working out. That would be pretty funny and just get someone to do Trump. Don't, don't. What are you doing? Trump is a mentally handicapped man. Don't touch the wall. No, touch the wall.

He's an Italian guy with a fat lip. I touched... Why does he keep talking about touching the wall? I touched the pussy. The rain in Spain. We're building the wall. It just means it's a good wall. It's going to be the most fabulous wall.

I thought you were going to say wall. I am going to fuck a wall. With a guy. Between the cracks. It'll be wonderful. I will seal the wall with my cum. No gates. No gates.

The drawbridge will become based. Drawbridge? Where's the water? I designed the wall. It's on the Mexican border, the driest place in America. I will add the water. Mexico will pay for it. Man.

Come. Not even. We're all honestly trying, and it's not even kind of close. I don't like this whole voice I was doing. I thought this one was fun. But I can't do Trump. I don't like people who talk to me. Well, now you're just reading your diary.

That's a line of poetry from three days ago. Roses are red. I don't know you. George W. Bush. Bill Clinton. What are you doing here? Holy shit, dude. I am not an impressionist.

Hey, good to see you, Donnie. You look more stressed than Ross Perot watching my saxophone play. My saxophone. My old saxophone. Play on our... I can't. I forgot how to talk. My name's Bill Clinton.

I'm on our city hall. We've written one sketch of all time needing impersonations, and we could not do it. Of actual people. Impersonate a sentence the voice impersonating just the refrigerator magnet pile of words I will say how I will I am the president The baddest man In the whole damn town This is the Muppet version Of the president

It's Muppety That was kind of Muppety actually The wall will be built This is Muppety bitch I don't think we're gonna get this sketch done I think we're gonna have to wait I'm. I think we're going to have to wait. I'm going to level with you guys. That's the sketch.

Thank you. We're going to have to wait for an actual person who can do the fucking voice for this sketch. That was the Mean Boys getting halfway through recording a sketch and then realizing none of them can do a trumpet impression. It was the first line of the sketch. And now a clip from this week's Patreon bonus episode featuring Robert Zoroff. Usually I've built up enough stamina to deal with 10 a.m. Tom. I just woke up. Between 10 and noon.

But now you're bringing 10 a.m. Tom to 4 p.m. And that's getting a little bit tough for me to cope, to be honest with you. Yeah, I'm just. Because I'm like, the sun is going down, and you still forgot that Kansas is a state and not a county. It is cool that I got to see the sun today, because the last two days I've been in the sun. Tom, you live your life like you're in a Serbian prison. You're like a bad divorced dad But with the sky itself

You barely see the sun Yeah man I'm fucking disorganized In my own defense Boy Rob aren't you glad that this is the episode Yeah I'm just taking it all in it's alright Hey enjoy the coffee I forgot to bring my coffee in here The dream juice going through his head.

Your eyes are half open. Yeah. You're all doughy-eyed. Well, no. Technically, I woke up at 9.30 in the morning, and then I just took a- Yeah, you hit the snooze button. Seven hour nap. When did you go to bed to wake up at 9.30?

5.30, I think. Okay. And what were you doing up so late, Tom? I was waiting for the edibles to kick in so I could sleep. All right. In bed. Story checks out. Yeah, and I think I may have found the through line to all the days in a row you've slept in so far in the afternoon.

Well, there's no possible connection, Keith. Nothing could possibly tie these events. Yeah, you did this earlier this week where you're like, oh, I slept till 3.30 or whatever. And we're like, well, what happened last night? And you're like, I took a bunch of edibles. Which, that's the wrong amount. Or the right amount. Depending on if you want to

get high, it's the right amount. If you don't want to get high, it's the wrong amount. That's how that works. Is this a child's guide to edibles? You talk like you're on Sesame Street when you don't know how a sentence is going to end. Yeah. You really do. It's like, it's got this weird sort of reading rainbow cadence, but without any useful information.

Reading rainbow. Great addition. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. What year is it? So the problem is when I don't take a bunch of edibles, I end up just not sleeping. You see, the problem is... I mean, there was like a three-month stretch. I didn't sleep more than four hours in a night.

And then I was like, hell yeah, some edibles. What's the longest you've gone without sleeping at all? 72 hours. And when was this? Which one of your tours in Vietnam? Psych Wardca 2017. Or no, 2020. I was 17.

What did they just have you do? 20, I was 17. So 2010. Jesus, Tom. Yeah, well done. Yeah, well, we're the same age. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good math. Yeah, Tom's three days older than me.

Wow, dude. Respect your elders. You take the amount of edibles that it just makes it so, like, God is, like, rolling, pinning you into the universe like a doting grandmother making a pie crust. You know, I go long bouts of no sleep, and I was on a, not a real bad no sleep train, but I was, like, you know, not sleep. You know what? It gets so cold.

I saw a real bad no Train is coming to town. We're going to do a four-hour show that's all Lynyrd Skynyrd covers. Real Bad No Sleep Train is like a Korean translation of the song Crazy Train by Asuka. It's so fucking cold at night. That's when you watch the Polar Express with subtitles. It's so cold. It's so cold. I brought up some extra blankets.

That helps. But the only thing that can get me to sleep is getting wicked fucking high. I just want to jump in here. You've got to get Boston levels high. You've got to get fucking bonkers high, kid. We never co-signed Boston, Tom. You've got to get fucking banana cream. Oh, wicked fuck not.

Fuck New York pizza. It's go socks. Oh, wicked fuck. Fuck New York pizza. It's ghost socks. I need to sleep. I got to get nitroglycerin trash to get a solid eight, kid. Tom's fucking Wahlberg. Hey, I mean, here's. Yeah, Tom, he's not retarded. He just has Wahlbergers.

Oh, shit. Oh, man. And the he's got a full board, Johnny. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. After a very unseemly off-mic rip. To play the return of one of our favorite games, which of the following? This is a fan submitted game. Let's never feign enthusiasm on the show again.

I agree. I'm proud to say I sat that out. Let's keep it at a dull three. That was a good call, Vokey. If you guys are listening and you have a game for us, send that to meanboyspodcast at gmail.com or just send us what the fuck ever. We love hearing from you.

We love getting out and doing work. This one comes to us from J.H. says I told Connor I'd make this game almost a year ago and finally found the time and mental strength to work through this pile of

weirdness. I searched the Internet for some crazy funny and bizarre Japanese game show segments and put this game together. So basically the way this works I'm going to

give you four Japanese game show segments. You guys have to figure out which one he made up. The other three are real. All right. First round round number one which of the following is not a real game or segment from a you four Japanese game show segments. You guys have to figure out which one he made up. The other three are real. Okay.

All right. First round, round number one. Which of the following is not a real game or segment from a Japanese game show? A, candy or not candy? Celebrities have to guess if inanimate objects like shoes or tables are made out of candy or not. Okay. If they believe an object is in fact candy, they have to take a big bite out of it.

This is also a lesson Tom had to learn the hard way in life a number of times. Everything's candy. I thought the police were candy. If you want a stool to be candy, just sprinkle some sugar on it. That's all you gotta do. Teeth are chipped for a reason. That's from the first draft of Forrest Gump.

Mama always said life is like a sugar stool. Do you guys like Sour Couch Kids? Sour Couch Kids? What are Sour Couch Kids? That's what this show is going to be called when we realize Mean Boys is a terrible name. Oh, yeah. I kind of like Sour Couch Kids.

Chairheads? Chairheads. Chairheads. Mega Sour Chairheads. Boston Baked Beanbag Chairs. B, Marsh rubber band. Contestants try to catch a marshmallow that is dangling in front of their faces with their mouth. The only problem is that their heads are attached to the wall behind them with a giant rubber band.

C, old milk ladder. Two players have to climb a giant ladder before they can climb to the next rung. They have to drink a glass of old milk. You guessed it. The higher they go, the older the milk gets. Oh my god. That's brutal. That's Japanese as fuck. Or D. Man eats spaghetti

in the dryer. The name of the game are the rules of the game. The player sits in a dryer and has to eat a bowl of spaghetti or at least try to. Which of those is made up? The second one, I think. Eating the marshmallow rubber band? Yeah.

I think that's real. That one sounds too hilarious. Spaghetti dryer just seems tough. Putting somebody in a dryer and making them eat spaghetti is so great. You just want it to be real? They only do it once because the guy dies. And they don't realize he's bleeding because they're like, oh, he's got spaghetti shots. And the blood instantly dries.

So you're fine. You can't even tell. What it reads more like to me is like spaghetti dryer ratted out Whitey Bulger. So I'm going to say spaghetti dryer. Yeah, I don't think that one's real because I've seen them where they have, it's two chicks on either end of a

toilet paper roll. And this is a game show, not one of his pregnancy porn. Correct. And then they put a cockroach in it, and they have to blow the cockroach into the other girl's mouth. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I think that the marshmallow one is real. I'm going to go with the spaghetti dryer. Is it a cockroach?

Cacaroche. Una cacaroche. I love when cockroach has three syllables. Cacaroche. That fucking microphone turned into a Morocco. I think I've seen the milk one. I think it's spaghetti dryer. All right.

The correct answer is C, Old Milk Ladder. Wow. You know, I'll be fair. I watched the Japanese. I don't know what they were drinking. The Old Milk Ladder is also what I call Keith's torso. That's what I call my ex-wife. This guy, he's out of control.

I don't know if we can. We got to talk to those fucking saggy milk bags. You guys know what I'm talking about. I assume you were either never married or married seven times, and I didn't know which one it was. Round number two. This is just the game titles this time. Which of the following is not real? He's either never married or married seven times, and I didn't know which one it was. Fuck. Round number two. This is just the game titles this time. Which of the following is not real?

A, soccer with binoculars. B. I'm rocking it to be real. B, head in butt trivia face-off. C, money in bra game. Or D, monkey chef duel. Oh, dude, monkey chef. Today's secret ingredient.

No, that's so real. Human penises. You have to rip them off yourself. Well, duh. But the dumber monkey's trying to peel it like a banana. The dumber monkey, the smartest monkey ever. That's how you get all the flavor exfoliated. That's where the good meat is.

They're obviously uncircumcised. Monkey cook-off is just Japan being super racist. That's what you get all the flavor exfoliated. That's where the good meat is. Yeah. They're obviously uncircumcised. Yeah. Monkey Cook-Off is just Japan being super racist. That's what it is. They're just making ribs. What's the matter with you guys? There's a couple of beautiful men trying to make delicious barbecue for you to enjoy, and you're calling them all manners.

Somehow they got Snoop to judge it, and he's like, yeah, for real though, I didn't know what this was. I'm glad I didn't wear my good blue track suit. I'm going to eat them, but I feel bad about this. As soon as I get my check, I'm going to tweet on you guys. I'm going to say it's Monkey Chef fight. We're going to go Monkey Chef duel. What was A, B, and C?

I remember that was D. I'm sure I'd give you D, too. Soccer with binoculars, head in butt trivia face-off, money in bra game, and monkey chef duel. I think it's head in butt is fake. Okay. I'm going soccer binocular because... It's too good of an idea?

Well, because the guy said old milk ladder before, so he's like a writer-y type of guy, and that's the most writer-y sounding one. That's the comedy writer answer, because it rhymes. You're like, oh, the syllables are good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I think the butt one is real. They love farting on each other.

Asians? They have a lot of fart-based game shows, dude. There's like a whole sub-genre of Japanese fart-based horror. Like, I've seen a bunch of them. Fart-based horror? Fart-based horror films, yeah. Oh, I saw a shit zombie Japanese horror film. That sounds right.

Yeah, it was weird. It was like World War II zombies, too. It was really strange. These zombies were coming out of outhouses. Well, I get why they'd be sort of hung up on World War II. Kind of a big deal over there. I just can't figure out the part. Yeah.

They were a bunch of cornucocci. Yeah. I don't know why they'd be into World War II and big toxic clouds. What was A again? Soccer binoculars. This is the game within the game. Tom, remember three

notions. The one that wasn't binoculars, fart, or monkey. So money and Bra Game? Money in Bra Game. There you go. That's definitely real. That's real.

It's too easy. It's low production. All right, the correct answer, Monkey Chef Duel is the next one. Hell yeah. Damn. Eat your heart out, guys. My superior reasoning triumphs again. Round number three, which of the following is not real?

A, Catch the Pig. Two teams who are only wearing their underwear have to catch a pig and carry it into the home zone. The pig is covered in lube, and one player from each team operates a lube cannon at the side of the field. Whoa. That is perfectly designed. Yeah. Because then you get to do oil slick shit, you know? Here's the thing.

Where can we order a lube cannon, and why haven't we done that six months ago? I hope they have a sound effects guy doing the Flintstones running noise every time. The bongo drums. Like every Japanese game show should have a full foley soundstage just staffed with like weird Japanese oompa loompas to make sure

that there's just disrespectful sounds happening. I also just realized as I'm reading this, this is an all lube round. So B, human slip and slide. A lube-soaked middle-aged man attempts to slide across a slippery row of young bikini-clad women. Oh, that's real. Yeah, that game was also... Oh, my God, yeah.

That sounds like a Mexican game. That sounds like something I've watched in a laundromat at two in the afternoon. Yeah, for sure, dude. Yeah, fucking Sabado Higante presents. One of them's dressed like a bee. Bless the winner! Donde is so hot! Yeah, fucking Sabado Higante presents. One of them is dressed like a bean. No one's explaining. Dress a winner. Done is soap butt. Ay, ay, ay.

My penis accidentally slipped into her pendles. Ay, ay, ay. I'm going to jail. Oh, no. Hashtag me dos. I can't believe it. I sex crime. See, soapy stairs game.

A group of contestants have to run up narrow stone stairs while wearing rubber body suits. The stairs are covered in soap or lube. If you fall or push down, you will end up in a pool of soap or lube. And D, human bowling. Imagine you combined bowling and curling, and the pins were three feet tall and the curling stones were inner tubes and there was a nice hill to pick up some speed and you were riding the tube head first into the pin

and you were lubed. Yeah, human bowling. Wow. That sounds like something from Extreme Elimination Challenge. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't DiMaggio do that, too? Wasn't he telling us about that or something? No, no, that was somebody else we worked with.

Okay, yeah. I fucking loved MXC, dude. That was like one of the funnest. Did you say DiMaggio like Joe DiMaggio? Did you guys invent a time machine to go talk to old dead baseball players? Yeah, we raped people with the president. It was a pretty good episode. It got us into a little bit of trouble.

No, it didn't. Just kidding. We're going to live forever. There's no consequences for us. It got us into a little bit of trouble. No, it didn't. Just kidding. We got a few listeners. We're going to live forever. There's no consequences for us. Picked up a few followers, though, which was nice. Yeah, the CIA, the FBI. A baby.

HIV. Some of them other assorted Spider-Mans were pretty mad about a trans-dimensional rape and we were doing... Oh my God, Spider-Man into the rape-iverse. Oh, yeah. I'm going to guess the stairs one just because I feel like that one's so dangerous it would be improbable. It's the stone part that made me think it was it. Yeah. He said stone stairs. Yeah, yeah.

I know a couple of these, so I'm going to let some other people... I'm going to let you guys go first. I already think they agree with the conversation. Oh, everyone did? What was A and B? Oh, my God. A was catch the pig. It was human slip and slide.

I'm going to go B. I know C and D are real. Okay. Yeah, especially if those people aren't, like, wrapped up in, like, big sumo wrestler things. Like, they're going to die if they do the stone thing. That's a fair point. That is funny to put them in the sumo suits.

It does say rubber body suits. I do want to point that out. Oh, it does? Yeah, I don't know how thick the rubber body suits might be. Then the second most dangerous one, I think, would be the pig one. Okay, so you're going to catch the pig. You're going to go to the pig, catch the pig. Correct answer.

I love that Connor just leaves to pee and go to the show with no words. The correct answer is catch the pig. Okay, cool. Oh, wow. Dude, one time I was trimming weed up in Northern California on a reservation and I saw... Amazing start. And I saw... And they fucked a pig.

I saw a bunch of Karuk Indians playing with a greased watermelon in the river and they had some game where they had to get the greased watermelon out of the river. It's a game called This Is All We Have. They had booze, too. Well, yeah, that's what

you drink to get to. What if we greased the watermelon? Beer! I'm back after I peed. I'm fresh. I'm feeling good. The stair game is so much fun to watch because they also, the rubber shoes, they just look like Tron characters, and they're just freaking, they can't, it's great. It's great. I recommend,

you watch Japanese game shows? No, I went to Japan for a while. It plays in my head, so I've seen a lot of them. Yeah, I went to Japan for a while, and the Homestay Father was watching it. And I was like, ah, yeah, that looks like it hurts. The phrase, the Homestay Father, sounds so creepy. It sounds like the leader of a cult. Yeah, that sounds like the name of the boss in Handmaid's Tale or something.

Did you ask the home state father? Mr. Goss, you founded a cult called Tom Shinrikyo. Dude, I was outside a comedy, the Dynasty Typewriter Theater, and I was promoting a show on the marquee as a woke Japanese game show. I know exactly who runs that show and what you're talking about, and it drove me insane. I haven't gotten back to my booking. Dude, I was in the middle of filming it

going, that sounds like a barrel of laughs when Jamie flammed the booker and then we came outside. I'm just trashing his marquee alone in MacArthur Park. A woke Japanese. Like, who is that for? Who cares? Yeah, that was an empty theater. That's what I mean. How woke Japanese. Like, who is that for?

Who cares? Yeah, that's an empty theater. That's what that's for. I mean, how woke. I love the idea that somebody saw a Japanese game show as a live comedy show and they're like, but is it woke? Exactly. Yeah, it's got, I really, I need to speak truth to power as I'm trying to say Chubby Bunny with 50 marshmallows in my mouth.

Can anything just be fun? I'm woke, sure, but how about just a couple people try to get slippery and catch a fat animal? It's the same point of having, like, it's woke UFC. It's like, no, you don't enjoy this shit. What we see is gay sex.

Hey guys, what if we write health insurance on the pig and then they're all millennials so then we can really stick it to old Donald Trump. Oh, and now we play a covfefe run or whatever. Alright, one more quick round. This is all real or all fake. A, orgasm

wars. Gay men attempt to bring straight men to orgasm. Will one man's staunch heterosexuality be impeached by another man's sexual prowess find out on orgasm wars also in America that game is called army I'm just picturing the auctioneer from storage wars just like

pulling down the guy's pants and being like alright we'll start the bid and at 200 bucks 200 right at 250 where and he's coming and then Jared and Brandy are like Like, all right, we'll start the bid at $200. $200, $250, where? And he's coming. And then Jared and Brandi are like, I'm too fucked up on cough syrup. You got to bid on this one. I thought it was my turn to get fucked up on cough syrup, Jared. I can't count to 3,000, Brandi.

I got to stop watching sports and start watching Storage Wars. That's great. Jared and Brandi's relationship on Storage Wars is the saddest tableau of the American dream you'll ever see in your life. Maybe call that show a prelude to a black eye. Like, that's really... Oh, yeah, yeah. If we could just write that in French, it'd be beautiful.

B, strip the girl. Men attempt to knock down blocks with beanbags. Behind the block stands a naked woman. If they fail, other men will yank on a rope around their waist to pull them into a pool of warm tar. See, the bum... Jesus Christ! Warm tar. That sounds white.

That's how Japanese... See, the bum game. Three young women place their butts through open ports in a large wall. On the other side of the wall, contestants have to kiss those butts and guess which one belongs to which girl. Matchmaker with butts. Buttmaker. Match butt. You get it.

I would fucking crush that game. Got a good scent on you? I just, I know butts. If I see a face, I can guess. He's descended from a long line of butt hounds. That's great. That's his grandfather. My grandfather drew that butt.

Oh, wow. Yeah, in the 1950s. This shit runs deep, guys. You're like a truffle-finding pig, but for ass. Runs as deep as that ass does. Runs as deep as that fucking crack, I'll tell you what. Yeah, that drug's got a robust crack. I got some ranch for your Hidden Valley toots.

That butt crack hits the spine. Guys, we're screaming at a drawing right now. You could just fuck the crack easily. That's fantastic. Oh, like titty fuck with a butt now. You could just fuck the crack easily. That's fantastic. Oh, like titty fuck with a butt? Yeah. Hot dog is the good stuff.

Buddy fuck. Indeed. Tongue twister with a twist. A male contestant has to say tongue twisters. If he fails to do so correctly, a spring-loaded pole called the chinko machine literally translates to the penis machine. We'll hit him in the crotch. Whoa, the penis machine. The chinko machine.

The chinko machine. Yeah, no one didn't notice that. We're not chicks, we're Japanese. What are you talking about? Even the weekends tell who we are. I love that my Japanese voice sounds like Watto from Star Wars. Then they have to run up a slope and fight the zipper. Okay, what's going on with these?

The Chinko machine is what my grandfather calls his cell phone. Oh, goodness. Brian, it's my Chinko machine over there. Who changed the language on my Chinko machine to the, well, you know what language. Yeah, it's all in the over there squiggles. Over there squiggles. Who sent my language to orange chicken? How am I supposed to read these Ching Chong aglyphics?

Man, I'm really hoping none of my former Buddhist friends fucking listen to this episode. What am I, General Saul over here? This is bullshit. My mom recommends the podcast without ever listening to it to vague Buddhists that have no idea. They'll be at peace with it. They're Buddhists. Go meditate.

Get over it. Why don't you go bitch about it to your fat god? Your fat, bald, diaper god. Why don't you tell your dumb, fat god all about, Jesus. Your fat, bald, diaper god. Why do you tell your dumb, fat god all about all your little problems with the Mean Boys Podcast? Why don't you go shave a yarmulke braid?

I think they're all real. There's one thing we've got to remember. And that's that the Mean Boys Podcast stands behind the nation of Israel 100%. Only because we can make a lot of jizz-real puns. We haven't thought of a dick joke for Palestine yet. Every once in a while, I go to good Benjamin Netanyahu news or something joke that I can shoehorn in. I'm going to say all fake.

Two all fakes, one all real. I actually thought they were all fake. Those are all real, baby. Are you serious? I've seen the thrash hit one. You've seen the chinko machine? Yep. Yep.

I've seen the one where they do karaoke and jerk them off, and then they have to, whoever lasts the longest singing the song before they cum wins. Oh, shit. It's really good. Wow. And then they, like- And he starts hitting the high note, and he's like, oh, fuck! Yeah.

Like, the cum is all, you know, pixelated. And, uh- As it hits, it's like a pixelated thing drops on the floor. It was me just b busted a load of glitter. Yeah, exactly. Did you just blow a screensaver from the 90s? That's that 8-bit load. Yeah, Japanese people came disco balls.

That's incredible. It's Mega Man. More like poop or Nintendo. It's on YouTube. You guys should check it out when you have a chance. But there is a Japanese game show where you have to snort wasabi in a library,

and if you make noise, you lose. And that's the whole thing. It's actually called Jackass 2. No, they stole it from you. I didn't realize this. Silent Library is a thing MTV also stole from the Japanese. Oh, yeah, that was originally Japanese. It's funnier because they're Japanese, though.

You should watch that. It doesn't sound like this is a very woke Japanese game show. All right, well, we're saying konnichi for now but we'll be how you like that guys we'll be right back with your questions and more in the mailbag right after this hi welcome to the sleep solution superstore do you gentlemen have any questions today yeah we're like uh looking for one of those sick ass beds that like goes up and down and whatever yeah dude girls get straight up soggy for a bed with a remote control this thing's gonna help us give mad smooches to hella pooches uh sure i think you mean the snooze number bed we've actually got one right over here if you want to give her a test

drive oh bro this is sick yeah dude your lumbar looks fucking hella supported. No doubt. No doubt. That's right. This bed's comfy to the max, dog. Dude, don't, like, try to condescend to us. Yeah, dude. That's like toe-slam. Just, like, be yourself.

Keep it real. Sorry. Well, hey, check this out. This little guy controls the sleep number. You can pop in whatever number you want from 1 to 20 and it'll just adjust automatically it's the most powerful bed of its kind on the market give it a try yeah this is bomb yeah it's like i always knew this technology was possible but to like see it in action is i don't know dude it's tripping me out so you tried it out. Which do you think is your nap number? 69, dude.

Oh. Nice, bro. Okay. Very, very funny. Watch this. I'm going to put in 69. Hell yeah, dude. Do it.

Please don't. The bet is only designed to go to 20. Whatever, nerd. Yeah, it's like you don't even get jokes, bro. 69. Oh, fuck, dude. Jesus Christ, his spine, it's shattered. Someone call 911.

Dude, I'm like mad crippled, bro. Yeah, you like folded all the way in half. Your feet are like in your ears and shit. I'm calling 911. Dude, don't be an arc. Yeah, if my dad finds out I ditched school, he's going to shit a dick. School? You're clearly in your 30s.

Community college, bro. We're getting degrees in party bus maintenance. It's an option. You got to fix me, dude. This is super not tight, what's going on right now. No, don't move him. Wait for the doctors. Fuck that, dude. That's my boy. When your boy gets fucking't move him. Wait for the doctors. Fuck that, dude.

That's my boy. When your boy gets fucking murked by a weird bed, you don't fucking hesitate, bro. It's like my dad always says. When you got a fucking bro down, you got to fucking throw down. Your dad said that. Not like my real dad, my paintball dad. His name's Gary. He got sent home from the army for shooting a kid, but now he hooks it up with beers and shit.

He's like a chill homie. All right, Chad, listen. I got an idea. You went too hard, and that fucked it up, right? So, like, if we go even harder, it'll, like, reverse the polarity and fix your fucking bones and shit. Dude, no, homo. But that's the smartest shit

I've ever fucking heard. No, it really isn't. Back the fuck up, dude. You want to get hit? I listen to Rogan, bro. I can fucking kill you. All right, quick, Chad. We need a high number.

Oh, dude. The highest number there is. 420. Oh, dude. It, like, fucking ripped him in half and shit. Oh, God. I'm going to be sick. Get out.

Get the fuck out of my store. Oh, his fucking guts got in my mouth. He's fucking gay, dude. The Mean Boys Podcast is sponsored this week by a great service that definitely doesn't have a stupid-ass mascot voiced by Tom. Inaccurate. Himalaya. Thanks, Mr. Eer.

You want to talk over the name of the goddamn sponsor? Himalaya. What a wonderful product. Yeah? Yes. Yeah, talk about it. Ooh, they have playlists. Uh-huh.

What is it, though? That's the part you skipped, champ. Man, Mr missed the rear. Ooh, it's a podcasting app where you listen to podcasts, all of the podcasts. Hey guys,

I, uh, I was texting a girl for like maybe 90 seconds and I tuned back in to what I can only describe as the worst thing I've ever heard

in my fucking life. So, uh, but you heard it. I don't know what you said or did, but wow, Himalaya,

what a great app it's great yeah i know there's some issues but they fixed them uh people thought we got pulled off the app for like content uh violations and they're like wait the mean boys are advertising them which for their views nothing would be more on brand i was gonna say that'd be the funniest thing in the world but it was just a uh on our end. No, but we're back up and trucking on Himalaya. Go over and check it out. It really is a fucking

real cool app. So it's a nice way to listen to your cast. They've got a playlist function coming soon. Share your favorite playlist from your favorite podcasters.

Maybe you just like hearing podcasts about guys that have watched animal sex videos. That could be anybody. It could be any particular show and they'd have a

playlist of all the Your Mom's House or whatever. I don't know if they did that but maybe yeah yeah that episode of rogan where he does dmt and watches a lady finger a cat oh yeah that definitely happened for real i heard i heard tom used it today and made a playlist of all the podcasts he's been on so you could go listen to all of them man i did as the voice of tom's head i'm very actively i hate this turn that mr you already make me fucking tolerate mystery or do not try to add weird fourth wall breaking i'll be in your head too that's the ad himalaya i am loving it ladies and gentlemen the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it's time to listen to your questions,

your voicemails, all that and more in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. Woo! We have a jingle that goes there. Someone made us like a butt rock AM radio.

It's the Mean Boys. Nice. It's fucking so stupid. We got this one. It says, I'm not in prison. My credit just ran out. He writes, hey, Mean Boys, it's TJ, one of the first UKers to call and actually offer you a couch. And what people do is since it costs like roaming money to give us a phone call from England,

they don't call. They just send us voice memos via the email. So let's see what TJ has to say. This ought to be interesting. You remember you took a piss on me a couple weeks ago. I'm one of the arseholes who called, the first arsehole from Britain who called with his mate Kyle so yeah I literally just listened to a John DiMaggio episode

and that is one of the funniest things I've ever listened to like so just moving a bit I thought he was just jerking off word to the wise just because you have an accent doesn't make you interesting you gotta throw a little energy in here

you should play Led Zeppelin ramble on I was out almost all this morning and listening to you guys was making me just laugh all up and down the road people were looking at me like i was like a weird like all the way back to my flat amazing amazing episode and

what you're only four weeks into the year like i'm really looking forward to what you guys do next and you guys are kind of making me want to start my own sort of thing. Don't do it. I can already tell. Please, this is already grueling. I'm a British guy. It might be me. Oh, yeah.

I'm black. That was really weird. You called me white. I am black. So, yeah. I fucking heard it. Yeah. Thanks for the voicemail, man.

Thanks, buddy. Yeah, we appreciate the hell of it. As soon as you started talking, Voguey just off mic just looks at me and goes, black. Yeah, so pretty good call. I also like that he felt the need to address it. I know. Like, well, I got to let him know. I should let him know before they like me.

Well, you're a black listener of the show, so I have bad news, friend. You're about to get butt fucked by Connery. Well, you're a black listener to the show, so I have bad news, friend. You're about to get butt-fucked by Connery. Well, rules are rules, guys. Yeah, he had that dizzy rascal accent. Now I feel bad. I'm like, hey, guys, will you come listen to people all over the world telling us how great we are? There's nothing to it. He's not screened in the voicemail.

He sounds like he was in a Guy Ritchie film. I've never heard a British person sound like they were on Lean before. He was very... Oh, yeah. Well, thanks, man. It's weird when people with accents call in because I'm like, I guess you can't get podcasts everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry we called you white, by the way.

Yeah. All right. So this one seems... It's the most offensive thing we've said this episode. Hey, what's up, mean boys uh this is your boy luke uh what's up boy luke he's black i'm sitting here i i was in a car wreck recently and i broke my right wrist and that's a pretty gnarly break they just went in and they put a metal plate in my wrist to help it all heal back together. I want to let you guys know I've been a fan for a long time.

And, man, just listening to you guys be doofuses weekly has been, you know, I've gone back and listened to some old episodes. And it's really been great for convalescence. I don't know. It's just to laugh when you're just in a bunch of pain. It's such a relief. When you say doofuses, your eyes are out of your head. I was thinking, I tried to talk to the doctor.

I wanted to get something like an augmentation when I'm being surgeries. Should I do a tip-tip? I wanted them to put a grappling hook in. If you had to get something put on your wrist, what would you have put on your wrist there? Swastika. Yeah, let me know. Thanks for all the great work, man.

I love you guys. My name's Skeeter. I for all the great work, man. I love you guys. My name's Skeeter. I work at the Kmart. Now I'm going to get turned into an inspector gadget. Yeah, well, I got blue shield, so I'm pretty sure that's what the Avengers have. So I would like a proton cannon instead of phalanges, please, Doctor. Thanks for the comment. Sorry about your shitty bombs.

Yeah, I love you too, bro. Glad you're healing up. That's a good question, though. What kind of body future mods do you guys want? 100% I would get another hand. You'd have two hands on one hand. And then people I don't want touching me wouldn't try to shake my hand.

They would try to shake your hand and the other hand goes, no! You know it's really just so you can jerk off and play with your own balls at the same time. It's not smart you can do it anyway. You go two at the shaft and three down here. You can technically do your balls, your ass, so you can take it the same time. We already have two hands.

You make an okay sign. You can get creative. No, yeah, Tom's. I call it the itsy bitsy spider. No, the other hand is choking yourself out. I have a belt for that. No, shaking Tom's hand is like one of those Van Halen double guitars with the different tunings, you know?

It's like, ooh, wow, really firm hands. He's got a 12-finger and a 6-finger. Yeah. Both the wrong amount of fingers. I'm right about the guitar strings. Yeah, I know. No, I know. I'm kidding.

Wow, dude. So fucking, hmm. What do you guys got there? Grappling hook is pretty good. I go Spider-Man web situation over grappling hook. Okay. Same concept, but just more versatility. So just stronger jizz coming out of your wrist?

I feel like an Iron Man laser kind of thing. Like a pshh. I was like, how often do you need a laser in your real day-to-day life? I think you'd find times to use it. Yeah, I think I'd use the Spider-Man thing more than the laser thing. Well, if I could modulate it, I could make, like,

a grilled cheese or something, you know? Yeah, but stop! Yeah, but it's... It's like being side-signed. Is that more fun than doing it with a Kapiu-Piu, you know?

Kapiu-Piu, that's the name of that Japanese game show. That's what Trump tweeted in the middle of the night. Guys, Kapiu, come on. What were you guys like, though? Working on my Bill Maher pack. Oh, I think you guys are missing this chance for an extra night, guys, come on. What did you guys say, though? Working on my Bill Maher pack.

I think you guys are missing this chance for an extra hand. Also, a penis. You say a penis? A penis would be pretty cool. So you can just jerk off right here? Yeah, yeah. Well, no, not even... You could do all sorts of fun hand stuff.

Name one thing. Name one good use for this. I don't know. You can just fist people. Yeah, you don't need to have a dick. Yeah yeah but now you could double penetrate with one hand it would be crazy who again you can double penetrate with one hand now well how about now with the penis who are you fucking that'm trying to be original, and I just think that some people will be like, oh. Tom, save my cavernous butthole.

And you're like, good thing I got the surgery. You know, do you think the word original means retarded? Are you getting those words mixed up? What's your suggestion? I get like a Swiss Army knife. Retarded rage famous pizza. Oh, that's pretty good, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I wouldn't call it a Swiss. I'd call it American Army knife knife. Retarded rage famous pizza. Oh, that's pretty good, actually. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I wouldn't call it a Swiss. I'd call it American Army knife. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I'd get a corkscrew in there. I'd get a knife, a shovel, an entrenchment tool. See, you can't fist anyone with that.

That's a waste. You know what I can't fist somebody with? An entrenchment. I don't need that. You know what's a good entrenchment tool? Starting to watch How I Met Your Mother with your girlfriend. You'll be entrenched in that relationship for months after you've already fallen out of love. You should get Tom's extra hand so you can reach

for that joke. Only one who came up with something that will employ me. How are you going to get employed for having a dick on your arm? Porn. How would they not put that in porn? Hello, Mr. Porn. I'd like to be, to work for you.

Can I fuck him? No porno company has ever gone, there's simply not enough penis. Where can we find more employable people? Put that one out of the fucking wrist. They'd have to put me in, because this is like, no one else is going to have it. Other than the rule book that says a wrist dick man can't play porno. You guys are going to have your Swiss heat things. I'm going to be inventing genres of porn. Alright? It's going to work great.

I want to change my answers. There's a cartoon called Inuyasha and one of the guys has a bandage around his hand. When he unwraps it, there's a black hole in there. Oh shit. Now, I hate vacuuming. We can put the penis in the hole. I make a hamburger. I eat it at my desk. It gets crumbs everywhere. I've got to wipe them up.

No, I just go. Behold, the cosmic Roomba. Yeah, exactly. You know, or just like, you know, I come all over the place and I come into my black hole hand. It looks like the Independence Day thing. Yeah. It's the ultimate bachelor tool. It's a tractor beam for errant loads.

It's been a real cum-sugs adventure. Well, in the predictive text on this one, I already see the phrase whacked out on pills. So I think it'll be a good one. So it's going to be consistent with the other two. Boys, I hope y'all use this one, not that first one. The first voicemail I recorded where I'm all whacked out on the pills. And also where I use my real name. I heard y'all are looking for an O from the Gulf,

so here I am from Houston calling in. And, man, you got to let y'all know it's been a big help having your show around recently. I recently got into a bad car wreck. I was making a left turn. No, no, no. Same guy. And we just played the voicemail that. No, no, no. Same guy. And we just played the voicemail that he said, oh, thank God you guys didn't play that voicemail. Yeah, and talked about it forever.

We can't cut it because we're going to bleep his name out. Yeah, we'll see. A little red light smashed into my brand new Honda Civic. Oh, no, dude. Didn't even have 3,000 miles on it. Oh, that sucks, dude. And broke my right wrist in the process. You don't remember the last time.

Yeah, I've been recovering recently, and I just had surgery to put a metal... So this is a better version of the last voicemail. I could tell from the text that he really punched it up, which I do appreciate. I wish I hadn't played the first one, so sorry, dude. Yeah. Again, glad you're convalescing. It really means a lot that you like the show. All right, so anyway, let's see what's going on.

Glad you're convalescing. Hi there, mean boys. This is Brian Cox. I was mostly calling to find out whether it's just something about how you record. His middle name is definitely Lubs. What? Brian, why do you sound like a vampire? It's just something about how you record. His middle name is definitely Lubs. What? Brian. Brian, why do you sound like a vampire?

Good evening. This is Brian. Hello, mean boys. He sounds like he's recording this right outside of you guys' window. Hello, I'm the ghost of Vincent Price. Hey, quick question. How did you get a Bluetooth headset in the hockey mask that's covered in blood? That must have been a whole arts and crafts project

for you, Mr. Cox. I feel like he looks like a gay Brian Posehn. So, Brian Posehn. I would have gone with Brian Posehn-al. Anal. Is everyone here? Keith's great joke?

Anal sex. Everybody? Everybody on board? Whether it's just something about how you record your calls, or if it's that all of your listeners sound like Droopy the dog, if he was what? Anyway, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I guess I should, like, ask a question.

Fuck, marry, kill. Keith's mom, who notoriously scares me. Connor's mom, who notoriously is a fan of the doggy style. Is what scares you? Yeah, I've never once thought about your fears. I assume they're plentiful and unjustified, but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about them. My notorious fear of Keith's mom. I assume a little a lot of time thinking about them. My notorious fear of

Keith's mom. I assume a little bit of Notorious Feratu. I assume a little bit of Wiener Tinklage comes out when you see a moth fly out of your father's blazer. Wiener Tinklage is great in the porn version of Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what I was thinking of?

It was a Jack Knight tweet that he deleted. The funniest thing I ever read. He said, Dinklage sounds like when just a little bit of pee comes out. And every time I see Peter Dinklage, I think of Dinklage. Why did he delete that? That's great. I don't know. I thought it was fucking brilliant.

That's so fucking funny. I bring it up to him every time I see him. Connor's mom, who notoriously is a fan of the doggy style. Oh, I forgot about that. That is notorious, motherfucker. Damn, I'm sorry, mom. Well, I tweeted a joke about how, like, you know... He runs in the family?

No, I was just going to say I want to have one baby cowgirl, one baby doggy style, and raise him as an experiment. Sure. And my mom said, don't do doggy style. It's going to be a huge disappointment. That's how I learned. So here's what I know. Either my mom and dad had sex so infrequently that she happened to remember when I was conceived it was doggy style, or they're just always doing doggy style.

Doggy style is when you put peanut butter on your dick and fuck your dog, right? That's one way to do it, yeah. Okay, so my mom, Keith's mom. I've got to figure Tom's mom. I don't know anything about his mom. Who notoriously, I don't know anything about. This is also a good opportunity to make Tom talk about his mom, who notoriously I don't know anything about. This is also a good opportunity to make Tom talk about his family,

I guess. Anyway, fuck everything. God's dead. Alright, well, I gotta fuck Tom's mom, kill Keith's mom for the good of America, and marry my own mother. Yeah, this really isn't easy, and your mom seems very sweet, and I don't hate doggy style, so I'm gonna marry your mom, I'm gonna fuck Connor's mom, and I'm gonna kill

my mom. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't hate doggy style. So I'm going to marry your mom. I'm going to fuck Connor's mom. I'm going to kill my mom. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I marry my mom. What if I marry, fuck, kill all three of your moms? You fuck, marry, and kill all three of them. Yeah, all three of them. At the same time.

She's a blood orgy of mean boy mothers. Yeah. The show was going great until Carmen OJ Simpsoned all of our moms. Yeah. You guys marry my mom. Fuck Connor's mom. We can't kill your mom. I like how often my mom's getting...

I don't like that you guys are okay with marrying your own mothers, you creeps. Yeah, well, I'm not going to kill her. It's going to be a loveless marriage. And I don't... What are you, your dad? I have reasons. Well, I guess... God damn it.

See, doesn't your mom have... Yeah, I don't know. This is getting a bit dicey. Start more sentences. Don't finish without information I should give out. You've never said anything about your mom. No, no, no. Are you talking about my mom having hepatitis?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's why I can't fuck her. She's got hep C. They got robbers, you fucking coward. Yeah. Fuck my mom. Your mom's pussy has a whole alphabet of problems. I mean, let's not narrow it down to the hepatitis, tituses, chrysotitis.

Anyway. Hepatitis. All right. So, yeah, I guess we'll do one more, you know. All right. Oh, I'm seeing landfill. Hi, Mean Boys. This is Rodney Evans, a fan of y'all's.

I just want to touch base and thank y'all for the great podcast. Touch base. Really brighten up some days when I get depressed. I'm living here in Mobile, Alabama, working at a landfill. I went to a Wing Bowl once in Mobile, Alabama. Wait, stop. This guy was in a landfill in Mobile went to a wing bowl once in Mobile, Alabama. Wait, stop! Pause! This guy wasn't a landfill in Mobile, Alabama.

Target demo. Move over, factory workers of Night Shift America. We have found a new king of the Mean Boys fans. Yeah, the big occupations are permanent disability, carnies. There's multiple carnies. There's

threads of carnies comparing carny work. So pretty much any meth head across the country. And of course factory workers just tweaked out on their sister's Adderall pressing General Motors license plates. Alabama trash pile is really...

That's what goes good with mean boys, like sucking up an old car with a crane magnet. When I'm sledgehammering big screens while I think about my ex-wife, I sure do love listening to Tom Goss. It's like you guys, the show crushes my depression into a tiny cube. In between binging Pantera albums, I love a little Mean Boys. Right before I God smack my wife, I do like to hear a nice view. I love a little Mean Boys. All right. Right before I God smack my wife, I do like to hear a nice few episodes of the Mean Boys. I'm working in a landfill and got all these Bible-something, Trump-loving motherfuckers around here. Ain't got no lick of sense, but I joined your Patreon at $25, so I just want to tell you.

Take your dad's money. You fucking assholes. Just be giving him money. He's well off for our fans. He has a job. He's not homeless in Italy. Well, they said he's enjoying the extra content. So thanks, man.

We appreciate it. We'll send you your goodie bag. But, man, I work at a landfill. I'm a socialist landfill worker in Alabama. I'm tired of all these Bible-thumping hate mongers. Well, I'm just trying to fill the earth with trash. At least put it in nice little neat piles. If I ever come out there,

can I drive one of the giant magnets? You're asking a phone call question. Yeah, you know what? I think this through. But I would like to... I can't imagine a world where he says no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the voicemails. If you want to leave us a voicemail,

do it at 304-805-MEAN. Wow, guys, great show. Thanks for coming on, Brian and Carmen. Oh, thanks for having us. Oh, thanks for having us. You guys are fucking awesome. So, yeah, you got to go listen to No Sir, I Don't Like It. There will be a link for that right there on the show notes.

You guys can subscribe. You guys have any tour dates coming up you want to plug? Anyone can come see you? We do. In February 7th and 8th, we're going to be at Goonies Comedy Club in Rochester, Minnesota right during this fucking polar vortex so come see us

maybe maybe die. Yeah, in May 22nd and 29th I'll be Switzerland, Germany and Prague. Whoa, shit.

Say hi to the guy the dick robber. You can go visit him. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. You have a visitor and he's like tell me your secrets

what are your techniques yeah no we have we have some fans in that area you guys should go Brian's fucking really funny it's awesome I saw him at the comedy store

last night he was phenomenal we went back to back baby oh yeah we did ass to ass took a break from making monkey jokes. Now we're back to that.

All right. Well, thanks for coming on, guys. Thanks for having us. Fuck everything. God is good. Bye.