Mean Boys - EP 181 - Blue Sky Innovators

Episode Date: February 5, 2019

Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Get a Meanie: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Sign up for Stitch Fix at stitchfix.com/meanboys and get 25% off your first box! Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by DAZN. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Haaland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on DAZN, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at DAZN.com slash FIFA.

That's D-A-Z-N.com slash FIFA. Hey, boys and girls. It's the Mean Boys podcast. Goddamn right it is. Lots of fun stuff going on this week. A nice Just the Boys episode for you to kick back and relax to. Yeah, nice, chill, smooth, rainy day. We're all kind of sleepy episode.

Yeah, nice. You know the chill beats to study and relax to? This is the podcast version of that. Yeah, the Starbucks jazz of Mean Boys episodes. Throw on an anime gif and kick back, everybody. It's a nice, low-key episode coming down the tubes. A little bit of business before we get into that. The spring tour dates are locked, announced, on sale, written in stone.

We're coming out to see everybody. And, God damn, we're going all over the place. First, a special appetizer before the big tour, February 22nd, at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. Live Meat Boys podcast. Live Meat Boys podcast. You may get to see a big Los Angeles celebrity. I'm talking Isaac Hirsch might be there.

We're talking Muffin Tin Opie. Yeah, I'm talking maybe Nicole if we forget to book it until the day of. Maybe a ram dog of an irregular size. Yeah, that could be in your future. So get tickets for that. March 28th, Houston, Texas at the Secret Group. March 29th, Austin, Texas at the Secret Group March 29th Austin, Texas at the Valve

Great Comedy Club Live motherfucking podcast Oh shit Oh man March 30th Dallas, Texas but actually Plano but it's Dallas

Yeah It's just fucking if you live in that one I think might hold giving people shit about Dallas that's got the way

by far the most pre-sales so yeah it's a good job on shutting up and just buying tickets to the show, everybody. We appreciate you guys. Don't worry about showing up. You bought the tickets, and that's okay.

Dude, if I didn't have to do a show, I could just eat barbecue. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Unimpeded by my craft. You can see the scenic sights of Plano. Anyway, yeah, we're coming to Plano, Texas. The DVA Theater. Kansas City, Missouri.

Missouri. Missouri. Missouri. Barrel of the Bottom. Campbell. That's a live podcast. St. Louis, Missouri at the Anchor. Stand-up show.

April 3rd, Indianapolis, Indiana. That date was just added at Black Circle Brewing. That's a stand-up show. Nashville, Tennessee at the Springwater Supper Club. April 5th is when that is. Yeah. April 7th, Orlando, Florida at the Geek Easy. Oh, we got to add two.

Special matinee show. 2.30 before WrestleMania. Yeah. And a special announcement. A couple announcements here. April 6th, we're going to be in Jacksonville, Florida. Jackson before WrestleMania, and a special announcement. A couple announcements here. April 6th, we're going to be in Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville. Doing stand-up at some guy's house.

Yeah. Apparently it's fun, it's cool. Yeah, Dave Ross did it, and if it's good enough for Banana Fam and it's good enough for us. The link for that will be up with all the details and where to go and what have you. And then April 8th, we have heard the pleas of all seven of you. We're coming to goddamn Atlanta. All three mean boys doing stand-up at the Star Bar in Atlanta, Georgia on April 8th. we have heard the pleas of all seven of you. We're coming to goddamn Atlanta. All three mean boys doing stand-up at the Star Bar in Atlanta, Georgia on

April 8th to wrap this motherfucker up. I'm stoked. That's supposed to be one of the best shows in the country, so I can't fucking wait to go do that. And if you're in Atlanta, that's a great place to see it. That's all fucking locked in. And you know, guys, it's going to be a good tour regardless, but what would really make it a great tour is if we could get to

500 iTunes reviews so we could tase Tom live on stage i'm not gonna do it until we hit 500 so you guys miss your window here that's that's on you guys we'll save it for the next tour and look i have to see tom every day and every time i look at him like why is he not electrocuted into silence please help me help myself oh you think i'm gonna be quiet during the electrocution i think if we do it enough you will yeah so we we're at 448 right now. We're making some progress. A little bit of headway. Not bad.

This one writes, mean! Exclamation point, five stars by La Evolucion. He writes, came here from crime, but I listen to this more now because it's funny

he's telling the crime boys started doing something different recently and they don't like change. This review is shocking to me because I had no idea anybody listened to crime i didn't think anybody i thought it was just some sort of weird money laundering thing where they used it for

write-offs i had so much fun when i did that reviews are just people saying yeah i found you on a podcast that i think sucks now yeah so i mean look if you guys sorry rich but uh thank you evolution yeah for just just one hour a week you can stop Rich Sladen from killing himself by listening to the Crime with Three Eyes podcast. And you can force him to be with John Schafsky. Isn't that the worst punishment of all? Oh, hell is other people. I read No Exit. Your boy was in special placement honors English in eighth grade.

Your dude had a suburban beret. Yeah, so go pop over, leave us an iTunes review. Patreon, rocking and rolling, helps us keep the lights on here. Remember, again, before you get mad at us about anything, remember that we are three guys with no time in a crack house. Yeah. Remember that I have no electrical outlets that work near my bed in the kitchen. Yeah, we're the three least business-minded people with nothing else going for us.

We're figuring this out as we go. Really thank you for subsidizing this. Yeah. And if you want an extra hour of Mean Boys every single week, it's only $5 a month. I think it's a pretty decent deal and it helps our lives immeasurably. And $10 a month, oh my goodness, a little piece of merchandise in the mail every month for only five additional dollars. How do we do it? The answer is discountmugs.com

but it's still pretty impressive. Key chains are here. They're going out as soon as the pledges are processed. And they are of a cone zone variant? Variance? There you go. Variance.

We make up our own words on this podcast. And this month we're doing a sticker pack. There's going to be a Vito Powers white power pizzeria sticker. I got to design that. No eggplant. So, yeah, stay tuned to that. Just patreon.com slash meanboys. And we really appreciate it.

Yeah. You guys have truly changed our lives tremendously. Oh, seriously. We joke about it all the time, but it really is. Our life is done. Oh, I bet you about not having electrical outlets, but without you guys, I would not have walls. He's only got three of them, so let's go up to four. If you want to give Tom electricity, get to 500.

Yeah, I became the outlet. And I don't have to do as many terrible road gigs and pee in water bottles in my car. Yeah, I don't have to figure out various flim flams on Craigslist. Yeah, you haven't had to write any porn for a while. Yeah, I haven't done sex work in over a year and a half thanks to this show. Wow. Congratulations. Do you get a chip for that?

How does that work? You just get a freebie. Yeah, so that's going on. There's lots of fun conversation with your fellow listeners over on the Mean Boys subreddit and the Mean Boys Discord, moderated by our old pal Alexis. So, yeah, you can go fucking pop over there. And it's just all kinds, all manner of things. Yeah.

They got a whole board for recipes. They got a board for talking about movies and TV. They got one for homemade porn. They'll rate your dick. They'll rate your outfit. They'll rate your meal plan. Yeah. They'll teach you how to fucking.

You probably learned how to hotwire a truck. They'll rate your boobs and vaginas, too. I don't want to leave our female listeners out. And they have that game where you're stranded on a beach with Keith. You know more than that. Oh, yeah, the Mean Boys Battle Royale. There's an ongoing role-playing adventure where we're trapped on a Battle Royale island and we have to figure out who lives.

Tom already got shot in the face by a gun taped to a door. Follow us on the socials, Twitter, Instagram, like us on Facebook. And, yeah, most of all, just come enjoy the tour dates. They're always a fun party. You'll hang out afterwards. You can meet cool people. And, hey, at least I think two or three people have confirmed fucked after a Mean Boys show. So, I mean, you might meet somebody cool, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Come get it wet and or filled, whatever you're trying to do. It's like nine if you count me. Yeah, that's about it. Yeah, yeah. And it. Yeah, yeah. And then, oh, yeah, also we still haven't figured out what our prize is for the weight loss challenge. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, our prize or punishment.

So keep sending them. We've gotten a lot of fun suggestions. We'll probably talk about them on the next episode. Yeah, I'm down to 194.7. What are you down to? I think I'm down to, I haven't weighed myself in a couple days, but like 247. Okay, yeah. I gained an ounce after one month of power lifting and eating 55 eggs a day.

Get on the oats thing, man. Oats are great. I don't know. I don't really. I can't start living your weird horse lifestyle. You just have three walls, and you nail your shoes to your feet. Yeah. I can't believe.

The reverse Christ. I can't believe you thought You were going to suggest to Connor Eat a normal food And he was going to be like Sounds good No I'm not going to I'm not going to quarrel with oats But I mean

But you seem like you would I don't like eating that much Yeah that's a fair point Anyway Oh yeah also I just packed out a bunch of more meanies That are going out We got like four left

There's like three black ones And a brown one So if you want one, step on it. Yeah. But yeah, with all that out of the way, sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's edition of the Mean Boys Podcast with just the boys. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. You have imposter syndrome, and from the looks of it, you're impersonating a fucking loser.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Fucking up the format of our show! Yeah, oops, my bad. Doesn't matter, I was going to say you look like the James Dean of Vine Stars. People are memorializing the place where your hoverboard exploded. My bad. Doesn't matter. I was going to say you look like the James Dean of Vine Stars. Nice. People are memorializing the place where your hoverboard exploded.

Oh, dude, I was going to say bird scooter, but hoverboard's even more dated. That's perfect. That's the thing. You're the coolest guy of nine years ago. Yeah, on Chumash Highway, there's like a statue, and you can buy like a T-shirt of me at the gas station, and that's about it. Oh, man, you always remember what Connor said. Live fast, die young, and like,

rate, subscribe. Yeah, that would be so great to put that on your tombstone. Like Logan Paul, just like, like,

rate, like, rate, you know, like, share, subscribe. Yeah.

I legit forgot that James Dean was also not a porn star. Oh, I thought you were going to say the sausage guy. so did I.

I thought it was Jimmy Dean. It is Jimmy Dean, but Jimmy is a James variant. I was thinking of the large penis man and then I realized you were talking about... That could be the sausage guy, to be fair. Yeah, that's true. That could be James Dean. He was hot.

Yeah. He seems like one of those guys where everything just worked out for him. Like, I drive race cars, and I have a big dick, and I'm hot, and I'm a good actor, and, and, and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, definitely. James Dean was probably swinging serious pipe. Oh, for sure.

And probably, unlike the other James Dean, didn't rape anybody. Yeah, yeah. The sausage guy raped somebody? He did, yeah. Tell you what, he raped my fucking breakfast with those hot legs. Oh, this is the worst part of waking up. Expiration date, the 31st. More like the 28th.

I almost threw up. I drive past that James Dean Memorial, and there's this gig in this town called San Miguel, this place called The Ranch. And it's basically, it's like the downtown is two bars and then that's the end of downtown. Oh, Jesus. Like the only other businesses, there's like a bead shop and a tattoo parlor and I think like a 7-Eleven-y type thing. There are just like three mistakes you can make when you're drunk there. That's the entirety of the town. Yeah.

And man, the fucking, just the most nothing. There's like a mechanical bull, and like them getting a mechanical bull was like us getting like a football team. You know, that was like that.

But have you seen it? They probably talk about the mechanical bull more than we talk about our football teams. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's like done more for the community

than the Rams being here. I was driving back from downtown. I went to Target. I got some shit to send out Patreon stuff, and the gym I go to is being here. I was driving back from downtown. I went to Target. I got some shit to send out, Patreon stuff. And I went to the gym I go to is in downtown. I was driving back, and I was looking at my rear view, and I was like, what's that weird blue shit all lit up on that skyscraper?

Oh, that's the Rams logo. I know. I do remember that. It looks jarring to me. Our local football team is going to the Super Bowl, and I don't think any of us totally realized that until like three days ago. No, no. I paid so little attention to football this season

and the Bears did great but yeah, fuck the Rams. Yeah, we're doing some groundbreaking comedy. Boy, it's raining in LA. And I don't watch the Bears. We don't really like our football team. James Dean is two people. Let's just go full Morning Zoo and just fucking

throw to the traffic copter. Oh, Zuga. Tom and the traffic copter. Oh, Zuga. Tom in the traffic copter. Okay, it's very high up here. The clouds are still above me, but the people are below. What's the traffic look like down there? Small.

Everyone's lines. I don't know why we're doing this because I'm above the clouds, so I can't see if the rain comes out underneath. The rain doesn't shoot up. I want to make it clear there's no traffic in the sky. You should have picked a better mode of transportation. Car traffic bad, helicopter traffic very good. There's a porn site called Ass Traffic, and I remember seeing it.

I know it well. Yeah, when I was a kid and being like, this is fucking way too aggressive. Traffic in the air. Well, yeah, it's jammed up. Yeah, I guess. I don it well. Yeah, when I was a kid and being like, this is fucking way too aggressive. Traffic in the ass. I mean, like. Well, yeah, it's jammed up. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I've never really enjoyed anal at all.

Dude, there's a four-guy pileup. Visually. Ass traffic is also a constipation. But just the idea of it being so fucking congested you could call it traffic is truly horrifying. The government shutdown was a real bummer because it put a lot of ass traffic controllers out of work. Oh, dude, yeah. Tower 11, how are you looking down there corn corn everywhere sir all right all right bang to the left avoid the peanut

reroute to dallas hi my name's dallas i'm 19 clearly 42 um i've been doing some modeling i somehow i'm the only person who doesn't know what this couch is about. My name's Corey. I'm an ass traffic controller. Mostly what I do is post misleading Craigslist ads. Yeah, the dollar sign on my keyboard broke from how many times I was holding it down. Yeah, I've got a natural gift for figuring out what women need 40 bucks. I have the South Pole logo tattooed on my neck. I'm a billionaire.

For my name on my birth certificate, it's just a picture of a barbed wire tattoo. Yeah, yeah. They wrote my name with skulls. I'm the guy formerly known as Corey now due to a legal dispute brought to me by the Miami Board of Pedophilia. They have their own court. I know. It's the worst when I see a picture from somewhere and i'm like oh is that miami and i'm like i know that because of paying pros i definitely know the skyline because of the many films of theirs i've watched i feel like i could like navigate without google maps just based on like oh yeah just go where they dropped off sarah j

here like in 2006 yeah take a left turn where this lady's life was ruined, and then you'll be at the Dolphin Stadium. Yeah. Man, one time I was doing a bar show in Long Beach, and this guy just said that his license plate just said Bang Bros. And I'm like, is he in here? I have so many questions for this guy. If he's not a Bang Bro, it's weird to be such a fan that he needs to show that off. That's another thing. It's the same thing as when I saw the Banksy license plate.

I'm like, well, that's got to be Banksy. That'd be the most Banksy thing of all time yeah because everybody would be like there's no way you're banksy it's some like uh hiding and playing sight shit yeah yeah you know yeah fuck there's maybe banksy does porn like the banksy bus yeah dude i'm all i not well yeah he makes her come and then she accidentally goes through a paper shredder it comes through an american flag and it's art yeah dude the copy on the bang bros website like the guy like and by the way this website is being read by like as many people as cnn you know or whatever like it's fucking tremendously popular there's eyeballs on this shit and it's like the level of grammar and proofreading and like there's no synonyms it's

just like we fuck her big huge ass and it's just her big huge ass is jiggling all big and huge and well-being ass butt is large watch pound butt yeah there's no i'm like get fucking get one of your fucking the high school you know like children to just they will do a better job it's oh i would if i could be if that could be my permanent job being the copywriter for bang bros yeah writing their blurbs i think they've gotten better which almost honestly i kind of miss when they sucked did i wrote i wrote porn for one week and it was the dumbest gig i've ever had oh yeah what was that i was writing like uh like fetish like superhero porn where it was like ostensibly like a superhero action scene but there were no special effects and it was really like 30 seconds of dialogue and then like girls wrestling like in the suit or whatever it was like ostensibly it was like a superhero action scene but there were no special effects and it was really like

30 seconds of dialogue and then like girls wrestling like in the suits or whatever and it was very erotic and it was funny because they were like

well we want there to be like you know a scene set and like write some good dialogue and I wrote like pretty good like fake superhero dialogue and I had like

fun jokes in it and stuff and I actually worked on it and the email was back and they're like that's not really what we do here here's what you write you'll never get away

with this Professor Wrestle My Butt and then Professor You'll never get away with this, Professor Wrestlemybutt, and then Professor Wrestlemybutt gets away with it pretty hard. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wow. That does suck to have your artistic dreams reigned in by a porn company. Yeah, you're flying too close to the sun. In terms of a review.

On wings of skeet. That's a pretty disrespectful one. Hey, man, I need 800 bucks. I'd be like, yeah, the people here at Farside Greeting Cards think that you're trying to be a little too edgy with the format and just have a chicken that makes a pun in a very roundabout way. That's kind of what we're doing. But I'm trying to make a point about society and do something bigger.

Yeah, we don't need that. You know, these are at Walgreens. Okay, but what if you wanted to examine the world when you're at a Walgreens? But what if it's a cartoon chicken who explains the capital gains tax to people? What if you just try to take that shit to Hallmark? All right? See how much luck you have. We're about as...

We're on the edge as you can get with greeting cards. All right. What if it's Calvin, but he's peeing on your birthday? Is that what you fucking people want? Yes! God! Here's a million dollars. There we go.

I love how much we think people get paid. I was dating a woman Who got like Hit up to write Greeting cards And she was just like It's so stupid I can't do it

I think if you told me I had to write Greeting cards I would lose my mind Because I don't think You could write that bad When I was like Yeah and I was like

I found out what They were paying And I was like Well get Fucking hit yourself With a hammer Do it Figure it out

Start I don't know Drink lead I want to see Tom's Just roses are red That's pretty neat Sorry your dad died Here's a card Fucking hit yourself with a hammer. Do it. Figure it out. Start, I don't know. Drink lead. I want to see Tom's just roses are red. That's pretty neat. Sorry your dad died. Here is a card.

Those would be good. Happy birthday to the person reading the thing for you. How do you spell thang? Thang. I always get- Seven A's. T-H-A-Y-A-N-G. My bit with my fam Was I could just get them Cards from the wrong holiday

Yeah I started I just threw out a Christmas card So I got them ones in Spanish That's fine And then I got like I got like happy birthday And then I wrote Jesus underneath

So it was Christmas Yeah That's pretty good Fun stuff That's a decent bit Yeah Decent Wow

What's your greeting card bit I bet it's way fucking better Keith Well you're speaking to a porn writer It's the exact same bit No the best one I had And this was I don't know Legendary within my group of friends What's your greeting card bit? I bet it's way fucking better, Keith. Well, you're speaking to a porn writer. It's the exact same bit? No, the best one I had, and this was, I don't know, legendary within my group of friends, was my buddy Jake's birthday. So I was like, well, I didn't know what to get you for your birthday, so I got you something that starts with M and ends with O-N-E-Y.

And you open it up, and it's a picture of Cardinal Roger Mahoney. And it said, also, here's some money. Don't tell anybody. Yeah. Yeah, so that here's some money. Don't tell anybody. Yeah. Yeah, so that was a fun bit. That was a real hit at the Chino Spectrum laser quest. My sister's bit is she steals my shit and then gives it to me on Christmas. That's also the Grinch's bit.

Yeah, that's true. Wow. What a Grinch act. What a Grinch act going on. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't say we're fired up, but I think we're about as warm as we're going to get. Yeah. It's a rainy, cozy-ass day.

Yeah. I think we all just want to wear sweaters and be near a fire. Yeah. Guys, we should start a fire in this house. Look, yes. I'm amazed you haven't already. Buy the hot tub. We have a hot tub?

We're going to put one on the roof. Yeah. There's been a lot of discussions about this. You know the roof is made of wet cardboard, right? Well, look, here's on the roof. Yeah, there's been a lot of discussions about this. You know the roof is made out of wet cardboard, right? Well, look, here's an easy fix. I understand it's a safety issue. We tested over your roof. Okay, yeah.

I got no energy for these hypotheticals that will never come to fruition. That's why I explore real things. That's most of what this show is. Like greeting card employment and things that could actually exist. Things that people want to hear. I like to do very pragmatic comedy. You guys are out there in the outer space bouncing around. Well, I'm down here getting things done.

You need us. I want to get things done on the roof. I want a hot tub. You need blue sky innovators out here. No, you guys are fucking idiots, and I resent you every day. Look, you're asking why, and we're asking why not, okay? Yeah. Why can't we?

Well, how about this one? Because the lights only work 40% of the time. Yeah, but the hot tub will be wet 100% of the time. Where are we going to? If we tried to plug it, if we even plugged in a hot tub, the whole house would explode. That is a fair point. It would destroy the grid. You're saying a Nutribullet is powerful enough to EMP the entire property.

Yeah, I looked at our toaster and our whole block fucking Y2K'd. You know how many times I have to plug and unplug my phone? If two people want to brush their teeth at the same time, it's as if the fucking ground is opening up and full of locusts. What were you saying, though? Oh, I have to plug and unplug my phone like nine or ten times before I actually get an electrical thing in the outlet so it works. Oh, yeah. I just have to whack a mole electricity near my bed. Dude, my room is leaking because of the rain, so I woke up and there was just a giant

puddle of water next to the outlet where all of my things were. What a fun game of Operation. I get to play to get my laptop. Trying to use any utility in this home is like trying to get a handjob from a Mormon girl. You really gotta be good. It works, but it doesn't work good. It's like the enthusiasm is there, but it's just how do you harness it?

Exactly. All right. The Mexican joke off. Ay, so topical. Hell yeah. Sorry, guys. No, no, no. You're good, dude.

It's raining in Los Angeles, and that means that we all can't even, you know? Yeah, we literally can't even. It's one of the big side effects of rain. we can't even you know yeah we literally can't even it's one of the big side effects of rain even can't all right well this is about the worst joke I've ever written in my life I feel pretty terrible about this one drug lord El Chapo has been accused of sexually assaulting girls as young as 13 and referring to them as his quote vitamins because of their age I guess they were Flintstones vitamins oh shit that was shit. I thought he was just a fun Looney Tunes drug. And he was just like, yeah, I love my family and murder and I like cocaine.

And I was like, I thought he was kind of cool. And I'm like, now he gets shot in the face. Jesus. Is he the one on the shirts? Probably. Okay. I don't know. You might be thinking of probably.

Well, you're probably thinking of Tony Montana from Scarf. You might be thinking of Shea Weavera, I think. Oh, yeah. That's him. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a different guy.f. You might be thinking of Shea Weavera, I think. Oh, yeah. That's him. Yeah. Kind of a different guy. Yeah. Not even kind of the same.

I just think there's a certain level of wealthy and successful you get to where you're like, I did everything else. Why not rape? You know what I mean? Well, it's my same thing of where every six months I put a finger in my ass while I'm jacking off at a motel because I'm trying to get to jack off too. I want to download. I want to get the DLC for Jacking Off.

Yeah. But what if you look around and you just have Louis Vuitton everything and you're eating caviar that was made by a slave and you're looking at this harem of beautiful... And you're like, I'm used to it. I've adjusted.

What's next? You know what I miss? Fear. Yeah. It seems to be really, really rich people are people who just are born with pedophilia. Right. Or have it, whatever the fucking cross-wiring in their brain is.

Like the same node of your brain that controls ambition and greed also controls wanting to fuck a kid. Yeah, it might be. I don't know. That's interesting. It's fucking very creepy, because it's always rich people. Yeah. You get rich enough, and you're like, ah!

I mean, poor people molest children, too. Yeah, no, it's always rich people you know you get rich enough i mean poor people molest children yeah no it's not rich people exclusively because like i couldn't even i if i like had to fuck a 13 year old if someone had a gun to my head or so i don't think i could get into it yeah be fucking weird i don't want to have sex with an 18 year old or a 20 year like i don't know like you barely want to have sex with anybody no yeah i want someone to be as... I want a whole... I want the energy of a maid that worked for a horrible family for 50 years. I want her worn down and jaded and negative and blunt. Putting cigarettes out on your boner, that kind of thing.

Yeah, I'm not getting that from a bright-eyed fucking bitch with a trapper keeper. That would be nigh impossible. Too many jelly bracelets for you to have the bitterness I need to come. I know. All right. A grieving dolphin was seen holding...

That's already great. A grieving dolphin was seen holding its dead calf off the coast of New Zealand. It was heard weeping, I didn't think I could drown my baby in a bathtub. Oh, that's funny. Postpartum depression

in the whale community where they throw them on the beach. It's actually a pretty touching story where I guess it's just been carrying it all around New Zealand. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's real sad about its dead baby. It's weird that it's just carrying it around. I like the idea that it has one of those hangover things, so it's on its chest, you know? Like a manatee hangover.

That would be like if you saw a lady who was just walking around L.A. with just a thermos full of her abortions. You saw a lady? A thermos? All right, I'll do this one. New research shows a link between smoking marijuana and vaginal dryness. The study was published in the New England Journal of Ruining This Party, man. Yeah. It is weird.

You do get cotton mouth in the vagina when you smoke pot. Yeah, you get cotton south. Yeah. Cotton south. I like that. Man, you'll never find the more difficult vagina than the yeast-infected vagina. Yeah, that's a doozy. Something Connor learned recently.

And, man, like a panini down there. You ever wash a piece of paper that was in your pocket and it's all pilly? Yeah, yeah. And then you fuck it? Honestly, yeah. It's like that, but on a vagina. It's just all these weird little particles. It's like fucking a CVS receipt that's been through a wash cycle.

You think you got them all and then one of them just gets stuck in your tooth. Well, I mean, because usually the move is like, all right, go down towards the bottom where all the slime comes out. The slime. Slime up your finger and the bottom where all the slime comes out. The slime. Slime up your finger and use that to tease the clitoris. Yeah. Basic stuff, you know? First day shit. Listen up, ladies.

And then you go down there, and then it's got like, it's like a condemned mime with the yeast infection, where they've boarded it up with big Wile E. Coyote slats and nails. An old prospector standing outside. Ain't nobody gone down that way. A fortnight. An abandoned all hope you who enter here tattoo on your thigh. We sure do know how to make incels seem like they have the right idea. I know.

Yeah. And it tastes like Entenmann's that's been left in someone's ass. It's like a coffee cake that was just underneath Keith. If you're doing some sort of princess in the pea challenge with breakfast foods. Of all the people you could eat a cake out of their ass, I'm definitely like a bottom fiver. Oh, certainly. I don't have the shape of an ass to eat cake off of. Me neither.

We both have very flat butts. Yeah. Mine honestly used to be pretty perky, and I looked the other day, and it's getting blown out. You've got it, though, in to know in the pictures from like naked roast you got like a bobble butt going on i did yeah but i think i think all that sitting around eating fucking cliff bars and writing jokes really really did a number on my ass your cheeks yeah i'm trying to pop it back up because i'm getting this little like sub wrinkle where i'm like that doesn't look good at all yeah it's hairy it's pink there's red dots all over it i gotta i to make a decision here. Yeah, my ass cheeks look like a fucking satellite photo of the Mars landscape. Oh, yeah.

Craggy and uninviting. No. Oh, dude, fucking for sure. Anyway, the FBI has charged an Apple employee for stealing autonomous car secrets. Also amongst the charges are swimming in the Chocolate River and stealing fizzy lifting drinks. Fucking love Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, dude. Dude, it rips. The entire Roald Dahl

bibliography is delightful. Oh, I love Roald Dahl. I can't wait to have children so I can read it to them while they're playing Angry Birds. I will also read to your children.

Just scream them old stories about children being murdered whimsically. You are not teaching them anything. I'm teaching your kids. You guys need to have

kids so I can have friends and adults. These are the rules. I need to have kids so I can learn how to file a restraining order. Kai the Dolphin was the fourth dolphin to die in Arizona's Dolphinaris in two years. The manager of Dolphinaris was heard weeping, saying, I didn't know you could drown a dolphin in a bathtub. U.S. Border Patrol

seized the biggest ever illegal shipment of the opioid fentanyl. Authorities say the fentanyl shipment weighed 254 pounds and kept referring to itself as Artie Lang.

Oh, yeah. What happened to him again? Did he get arrested again or something? Yeah, he's going to rehab again. Oh, man. Poor guy. I hope he gets better.

He's funny. What's up? He's funny. Yeah, he's very funny. Yeah, I hope he gets better. That's one of the ones like when you're a comedian, that's all anyone wants to know is like, what? But what? Actually, I'm like, I don't fuck.

I don't know. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Sorry. I deleted. Pretty much exactly what you think. I bet. Deleted all of his texts to me.

I'm sorry. Comedian drug addicts. A lot like normal drug addicts. Like, it sucks and it's real sad. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, guys. The U.S. Supreme Court has temporarily blocked Louis...

Takes it. All right. Yeah, the U.S. has halted all aid to the Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza. To make matters worse, they've also been throwing away all of Ramsey's tax returns. God, yeah, Ramsey wasn't kidding when he said the junk mail was about to enter death con overdrive. I think he just keeps signing our shit up. Yeah, well, he stopped paying all of his credit card debt or whatever, and he's like, I'll just be rich and I'll pay it off. We're getting Ramsey junk mail the way Harry Potter started getting way too many invitations to Hogwarts when they were throwing them away.

Yeah, yeah. You open them up, they scream at you. I mean, there's owls, but those are around anyway. Yeah, Discover Card is just sending them letters, and they all just say I mean, there's owls, but those are around anyway. Yeah, Discover Card is just sending them letters, and they all just say, put this hat on and give us $400. Yeah, it's just a bright pink letter that says, I have a knife.

Open this. And he's like, ah, it's fine. Anyway, I made you the head of a fictional nonprofit called the Bryan Singer Rules Foundation. I know, yeah. My mom really, I told her about that last night or the other night. I was like, the Kevin Spacey didn't do it foundation for the arts, and she fucking loved it. Speaking of love, a dolphin was found shot dead on a California beach. The LAPD stated nothing to see here as they sprinkled crack on its body.

I'm amazed there wasn't a bathtub involved, first of all. Well, where do you think they cooked that crack? Why did they shoot a dolphin? It was found dead. Well, yeah, why did anyone shoot it? I don't know. It's more popular than you'd think. Well, I guess if a dolphin was dying on the beach or something and it was like, there's

no saving it, I guess you'd kind of old yeller. Okay, but then that raises the question, who's just walking around the beach with a gun? No, there's like an $11,000 reward for info on this dead dolphin. That's what I'm saying. It's not animal. Some guy just took out this dolphin. It's got to feel bad knowing that the police work harder to find dolphin murderers than the person that kidnapped your black daughter. I see those stories every day where it's like yeah there's someone just kidnapping like

young black women and definitely doing terrible things and we're like yeah i'm like what a dolphin but they're so cute like imagine reading that and being like tupac's mom yeah right oh 11 grand you say a bounty you know we got nothing. Some t-shirt residuals and that's about god damn it. Ornithologists in Pennsylvania spotted an incredibly rare bird that is half male, half female. I mean, it's not that rare. We've had a half male, half female robin in the studio a bunch of times.

Family tree DNA has given the FBI access to its home testing database of genetic info. So if any boring white people that desperately want to find out that they're interested in community crimes, they're toast. It's the only people that you'll catch. It'll just be like, ooh, someone I know looked at a Samoan one time. A dog at the International Sherrill Database.

Yeah. All right, a little bit of Rachel profiling. All right, come on. Okay, I'm going to predict the first line of this one. A priest, a rabbi, and a dolphin walked into a bar. No. The Miami Dolphins are debating cutting QB Ryan Tannenhill. Tannenhill said he expected this because management kept sprinkling crack on him.

Oh, that's all right. It was a callback to the first joke. It didn't work that well. Tannenhill sounds like one of the drugs they used to give you to try to make you less. Tanninil. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to get tanninil shot in the ass if you keep throwing that pudding. Here's my worst one of the week.

A group of gay porn stars were fined for filming a hardcore threesome on a public subway in London. So keep an eye out for the new film Lube on the Tube. Oh, yeah, they call it the tube. Yeah. They always got to be different over there. Ah. Even though they probably came up with it or whatever. Somebody's just like, look at those cigarettes fucking on this train.

Oh, yeah. Anyway, the U.S. Supreme Court has temporarily blocked Louisiana's controversial abortion restrictions. Citizens of the Bayou rejoice knowing that Whataburger will stay open for now. Made out of abortions. I got it. This is actually a pretty offensive joke. A pregnant dolphin was shot to death

who was shot to death was found in Mississippi. The father of the baby dolphin released a public video of him doing stand-up skating. Do you like dead baby dolphin jokes? I got a dead baby dolphin joke oh man a lot to unpack in that first of all how did a dolphin get to mississippi i that was what i was amazed by but there are freshwater dolphins oh are there yeah okay

they're fresh and saltwater i felt bad watching that video because I was just like, oh, man, it's the sad, but his accent's pretty funny. Yeah, I know. I felt the same thing where I texted Connor. I'm like, don't do this, but wouldn't it be funny if we put the Seinfeld theme on this? Yeah, I didn't watch the whole thing. I just saw it. I mean, it doesn't get better.

Yeah, it looks sad. There's not a fun turn on the end. I wanted to just talk about dolphins. Yeah. It looked like a bum turn on the end. I wanted to just talk about dolphins. Yeah. It looked like a bummer. It was pretty rough. A South Dakota man was arrested for dressing up as Mr. Freeze and shouting cold-related puns at people on the street.

The cops insisted he chill out, but he wouldn't. They put him on ice, and now he'll be brutally raped in jail. I don't get it. They're cold puns. It needs more dolphins. Oh, okay. Okay, a dolphin. Yeah.

Dressed as Mr. Freeze. Okay. Yeah. And then the rest of the jokes. That's great. I love it. I love it. I love it.

It was my new favorite. Why was he arrested? Just for being obnoxious? Yeah, he was just running up to people on the street. Just be like, ah, fuck you, Snow. And then just go doing that again. I feel like his quips could have been punched up a little bit. Well, yeah, I'm not.

I just wasted three on you, swine. No, three amazing quips. Hey, look, man. Three cold... I made five dolphin jokes. You made five dolphin sentences. I sure did. You said five things about dolphins.

I sure did. Yeah, you wrote one good one, one decent callback, and then it kind of fell off the tracks. It fell off in the middle. Yeah. I'm doing the work. I got like four child pornography jokes I didn't even get to. All right. Oh, wait, do we have one more?

I think that's it. Yeah, that was it. Oh, that's it, guys. Yeah. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back right after this. What up, Flavortown? I'm Guy Fieri. I'm traveling this country

from sea to nacho sea looking for the most bodacious bites. So curl up in bed, grab your sleepy time pizza, and don't touch that dial because it's time for diners, drive-ins, and dives. I'm here in Reno, Nevada,

the only place in America where I blend in. Reno might not have the razzle-dazzle of Las Vegas, but when it comes to greasy goodness, Reno is jalapeno poppin'. And one of its hidden treasures is right here, in room 256 of the Silverado Motel. It might not look like much from the outside, but inside you'll find Tammy Gash, who's serving up piping hot helpings of a Reno delicacy.

You a cop? That's right, I'm Officer Snacktime, and I'm here to write you a ticket for inciting a flavor riot because people are going wild in the streets over your food. You're lying. You can't be Officer Snacktime. I killed Officer Snacktime in 1973. Oh, wait, you're that dick from TV. Come on in.

Tammy, I've gotten dozens of letters from my fans telling me to check out your spot. And you know it's serious that they're sending letters, because my fans are fat enough that walking to the mailbox is a life-threatening mission. So what do you got? Street tacos? A secret breakfast spot? Some bullshit with a corn dog? Fifty bucks a sock.

Hundred a fuck. 125 if you want the shit pipe. The shit pipe? Oh, what is that, like a crepe full of shiitake mushrooms or something, right? No, it's my shit pipe. The pipe I shit out of. My asshole. Uh...

Now are you gonna to keep floating around Or are we going to fuck I think there's been a mistake I'm selling my asshole In a motel room in Reno guy There's been a lot of mistakes No shame in that game Tammy But I'm not looking to plow

I'm looking to chow Why do you saying so? You just want to lick it, that's eight bucks. Can you excuse me for one second, Tammy? Guys, can we have a word over here? Shit, what do we do here? We've only got like six minutes of film left. You burned a lot of time trying to interview that meat cone guy that didn't speak English. Well, fuck me for thinking we could bond over the universal language of film left. You burned a lot of time trying to interview that meat cone guy that didn't speak English. Well, fuck me for thinking we could bond over the universal language of dank pork.

The network needs something tonight, or they're gonna pull the plug. I don't give a shit. I didn't fly to fucking Reno to go down on Jabba the Hutt. Your camera guys can watch, and don't worry about censoring me or nothing. My face naturally blurs when you point a camera at it.

I've been on cops so many times it just started happening. Doctors call it environmental evolution. I can't lose this job, guy. I've got kids to feed. All right, fuck it. I'm going in. All right, let's, oh, God. Let's dig into an old-fashioned Reno clam bake.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Wow, that's really something. Just the aromas, they really hit you in waves. I'm picking up sauerkraut, gas station sushi, just a lot of poop. There's one smell in there I can't quite make out. That's fear. And it's not coming from me. Wow, that looks like the turducken

of vaginas. Like it looks like you put a good pussy inside of a bad pussy and then put both of those inside a dead pussy. I call it the devil's lasagna. I have never been more ashamed to be Italian. Alright, let's God help me.

Let's open her up. Oh, there's so much going on in here. It's like a kaleidoscope of goop. Wait. I know that taste. Is that... Is that my donkey sauce? Environmental evolution, baby.

I gotta be honest. I was skeptical when I saw your pussy looked like a Lovecraftian fuckman. But once you give it a chance, it's mucho snacktacular, baby. I gotta be honest. I was skeptical when I saw your pussy looked like a Lovecraftian fuckman. But once you give it a chance, it's mucho snacktacular, hombre. Don't ignore the clit. Just keep going north until you hit the cigarette butt. Next week on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, I go to

Wichita, Kansas and eat a dying cat we found behind a gas station. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Just a reminder to anybody who skips the intros on these episodes, the Mean Boys are going on goddamn tour. End of March, early April, we are going to Houston, Texas, Dallas, Texas, Austin, Texas, Kansas City, Missouri, St. Louis, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Nashville, Tennessee,

Orlando, Florida, and we can now announce this because this is officially booked. We're coming to fucking Atlanta. There, Orlando, Florida. And we can now announce this because this is officially booked. We're coming to fucking Atlanta. There you go, people. Monday, April 8th. All three of us are going to be performing at the Star Bar in Atlanta, Georgia. Supposedly one of the best shows in the country. It's where our buddy Kyle Clark recorded his album.

Pretty stoked on that. Bring your own kerosene. We're burning it again. One's from the union. Yeah. And we got a fun game for the middle segment this week. This one comes to us from a user. This is from Jesse Wagner.

He says, hey, Mean Boys, Jesse W. here with a game contribution for Snark Week. We missed it then, but we got it now. I feel like the country has sort of a tenuous vibe going on, so I wanted a game that focuses more on our similarities as opposed to our differences. And by that, I mean discussing the homoerotic nomenclature of cowboys. Hope you enjoy Fuck Everything God Is Dead. Sincerely, your favorite Stan from Minnesota, Jesse W. He called this game Bull Rider or Gay Porn Star.

Okay. It's basically going to give you the name. You have to figure out which one it is. I think he missed an opportunity not calling it Steers or Queers. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. If it's Steers, it's Queers. We should put that on the Caltrans billboards.

Did you have sex with a gay cowboy? Me? What? I'm misremembering something. I bet you are. If I had fucked a man, what makes you think we'd be talking about anything on the podcast except that forever? How would this not be that?

It wasn't a gay cowboy story. You might have met one. I went on a few dates with a girl that I ran into dressed as a cowboy. That's what I'm thinking of. Which Tom turned into, didn't you fuck a man with a job that doesn't exist anymore? My grandpa was a cowboy. Great. Well, that's unbelievable.

I don't know. Yeah. He went to prison. Okay, so yeah. I mean, he was gay for at least six to nine months. Yeah. Wow. I was waiting for at least six to nine months. Yeah. Wow. I was waiting for more cowboy information.

Anyway, I'll give you a name. You guys tell me if it's gay porn star or a professional bull rider. First one, Austin Wilde. Oh, that's a cowboy. I feel like porn. They overwink and nudge with the porn names. Right. All of them.

You're already named Johnny Max, and now you've got to have five X's, too. Yeah. You're Dirk Thruster, but I want one of the R's to be just a picture of a dick. Some of them have tame names, though. Tell me more about your knowledge of the gay pornography industry. Actually, that's a fair point I'm just kind of making it Johnny Depth is a pretty good one

Johnny Depth is real solid I'll go porn I believe gay people can be subtle So yeah Stop being homophobic Well I appreciate your support Tom Because Austin Wilde is a gay pornographic actor Who started his career in 2008

In films such as Wild Ride and Strictly Dickly. Strictly Dickly, Pudding and Pie. Kiss the Boys. The Pie is full of pudding. It's a different kind of movie. Second one, Ryan Dirt Eater. And it's spelled like Dirt Eater. Oh, yeah, that's a bull rider.

I'm going to go Porn Star. That is a bull rider. 18th ranked in the world net worth 1.5 million dollars wow what who is watching it well why do we just bulls there's like just bulls you think one day the bull's gonna win yeah i have the same thing with plays where it's like why are we we have a better version of this you know plays are dope though bulls are watching gas but i i don't give a fuck like it's like why not watch it in your house you know that'd be easier on a screen i like your idea that bulls are watching like this the way like chicago fans watch a bears game we're like yeah we don't usually win but we might get this one yeah good season i'm gonna david grow that like

i picked her up she was like just going to see a local community play i've never been more put i'm like what do the fuck do you think you are you're just going to this a local community play. I've never been more put on. I'm like, who the fuck do you think you are? You're just going to this to be the person that goes and supports your local art? Get the fuck out of here. It's such a funny opinion to hold you a local artist. I don't think anyone should come see comedy. We're trying to sell tour tickets. What the fuck?

What a waste of your time. Well, just, ooh, I heard about this happening in my neighborhood. I was very turned off. I was like, I could never be with someone that's this pure. Well, just, ooh, I heard about this happening in my neighborhood. I was very turned off. I was like, I could never be with someone that's this pure. See, I think that's cool. Like somebody who genuinely is just like, let's go see what fucking anyone's doing. No, it's weird.

There's nothing better than a good play, and there's nothing worse than a bad play. It's just so awkward when they're just bombing, and you have to be like, oh, tell me about the cattle. Continue. Yeah, but who's still like... That wasn't a play. You were just harassing a guy who works at Creighton Barrel.

It's got like football and the UFC and pro wrestling. And every element, there's a cooler version. And it's just... I don't know. Watch snuff films of dudes getting killed by bulls on fucking... Whatever those play. Like Live Leak or something. You pretend that you didn't know exactly where you go for your stuff.

I actually hate gore. I never watch it. But I find it very upsetting. So I hate when people send me that. But stop tweeting me just like gaping assholes and shit. It's fucking I'm blocking you now. I mean, I do. I think you should keep doing that.

Yes. No, I'll fucking block you. I hate it. It's gross or whatever. Send them to Keith. Yeah, sure. Why not? Tweet me gaping assholes.

Yeah. I'm not going to love it, but I'm not going to block you. No. Yeah. You'll retweet it. Yeah. I will retweet every gaping ass. Yeah.

I'm not going to do that. Guys, what a platform we have. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I've never seen somebody look less happy to be anywhere than you look right now. No, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm having a good time. Jesus Christ, dude.

Dean Phoenix. Gay porn or who gives a shit? Isn't he the one who raped that lady? That's James Dean Phoenix. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Phoenix? I got to go Bull Rider. I feel like it's Bull Rider.

That's a cool name, though. That's a cool name though That's a cool name That's also a gay porn star Oh Good for Phoenix Winner of what I assume Is the gay porn Oscars The 2000 Probie Awards Wow

I think that's the Backroad Actors Report We hosted that one too And he also won Best Duo Scene From a film called Buckle Roos He's accomplished

Good for him Buckle Roos. He's accomplished. Good for him. Buckle Roos. Yeah. Cannon Cravens. That's got to be a porn star. But that means it's a bullfighter. I guess I'll say porn star. Of the California Cravens?

Yeah. That is a funny way to say you want dick, because you're craving a cannon. That means that you need to be filled. Yeah, I need mean tremendous pipe you're a just a sinkhole at that point yeah i did that i just can't imagine like if you use the same terminology for a pitcher's arm that you do for your cocks that you'd put inside you that's scary yeah i want a dick that could be used to quell the civil war yeah i want a dick that needs three men to operate it i want a dick that could be used to quell the Civil War. Yeah, I want a dick that needs three men to operate it. I want a dick that could take out a pirate ship.

Yeah. Give me that mortar cock. I got to go. Yeah, I don't know what that would apply to in terms of bull riding, so I got to say that's a good old dicking man. No, I did just want to point out that the bull riders, these are just their natural names. No, they go nicknames.

Do they? I don't. You think Dirt Eater was his actual last name? I think that's his real name. You think that was. Why would he pick that as a nickname? What nationality are the dirt? Is that like the Polish Dirt Eaters?

You know? Yeah, I mean, it seems like something they'd do. Because he gets knocked off the bull and then he eats dirt. Yeah, but why would you nick? That would be like if you were a baseball player and your name was Johnny Can't Hit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Because these are fucking dumb people who got into getting concussed from a fucking large animal for a living. Right. Well, you're also wrong. Really? You mean us podcasting? Yeah. I got the concussions before the podcast.

That's a bull rider. 40th ranked in the world. Two more. Buck Angel. That's porn. Yeah. I know that That's porn, yeah. I know that one. That one.

Yeah. You know that porn star? Yeah, yeah. Joe DeRosa had a bit about him. Yeah, Buck Angel is a porn star. Yeah, it's him. He's a very famous trans porn star, and I love it. He's the buff dude with a pussy, basically. Yeah, he looks like the adult version of the baby from Roger Rabbit.

What he would have grown up to. He's just this tough, bald guy with a goatee. And then just a pristine- ass pussy oh wow i mean that's got to be like the best of like you know because i mean i guess you know the butthole feels good because it's tight but i was talking to joe about this a long time ago he's like i wish i could fuck something that was built to be fucked instead of doing all this weird trespassing and trickery and yeah i mean you really got to you know put in work to fuck a butt but a pussy is just like yeah we're here for it yeah you know it's like you can get a big engine v8 and you're a honda crx but it's supposed to be a four banger and he's got and you know this is like you know well no never mind i thought it

was built by science but then i realized that's not how that works i got confused yeah the muscles i guess were you know i was i was really just trying regiment of supplements and hormones i was just trying to build that's all god i just wanted to use the term Monsanto pussy. Oh, yeah. I couldn't quite get there. Ooh. Yeah. Well, fuck it. That would be interesting, though.

Just a big buff pussy. All right, last one. Would it get wet anymore because of all the testosterone, you know? How is a pussy buffed? Does it have, like, knuckles? Testosterone actually

makes you hornier. Oh, okay. I guess it would make you hornier. Would women have more testosterone if they fucked more? Do you need estrogen to make pussy? Which one makes the pussy juice? Now, that I don't know. I guess you always got lubeier. When women have more testosterone, they fuck more. Do you need estrogen to make pussy? Which one makes the pussy juice? Now, that I don't know.

I guess you always got lube as an option. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't speak to the juice powers or what have you. Yeah, because I feel like fucking testosterone, I feel like I've heard that causes vaginal dryness. I mean, I've hooked up with the few trans guys I've hooked up with have been on testosterone, and they have said it makes you wildly horny. But I've heard no pussy complaints about it. God, so this guy is just fucking jacked to shit and uncontrollably chemically horny. Dude, somebody fuck me.

Like aftermarket levels of horny. You know, like when you hear a car with a spoiler, you know, that just sounds really loud. That's what he has for horniness. Somebody hit the NOS on his boner drive. I mean, I'm already inconveniently horny, and I'm just on a little drug called life. So I can't, like, ratchet that up. Give me that cannon. Yeah, and then also, then being that horny and then being like, you know, to whatever end, end i mean a somewhat niche sexual commodity yeah you

know that's got to be it's got to be slightly harder to get fucked or maybe easier just because it's such a rare yeah more repeat customers yeah well i also imagine the people that want to fuck buck angel want to fuck buck angel desperately you know what i mean like you were like buck angel is the top of the line for the type of person that people who want to fuck Buck Angel want to fuck. Yeah, it should be on, like, a big rotating circle in a showroom. Yeah. Just with a guy in an off-brick shirt going, this is the finest one we have. The Camaro of dudes with pussies.

Yeah. Last one. Is Humps and Horns America's premier bull riding magazine or a gay-friendly cosplay slash furry blog? Oh, it's got to be a bull riding magazine Or a gay friendly cosplay slash furry blog Oh it's gotta be a bull riding magazine I'm going porn That is a bull riding magazine Hell yeah Humps and horns

I've still never been to a rodeo Which is amazing because we do so many shows in towns Where rodeos are a big deal I've definitely had the turnout of many of my gigs Destroyed by a local rodeo Oh yeah I've been offset by a rodeo A tractor convention. I had a livestock auction.

It was the best one of all time. That's pretty funny. I did a show at the Mountain Festival in Tehachapi like four years ago. It was all just horses and cows and fucking people. In the audience. No, it was a barn that was also like a barn or something. It was just like hay floors.

It was pretty. It all bummed me out. Thought you had a tight tent before the birth of Christ. Yes. I went to a livestock auction once because my family did like, we had like a farm and shit. So I went to one, like my cousin was in 4-H and they were auctioning off his pig. And I was like in the punk at the time. So I had like leopard pants and a weird shirt and a weird vest with patches and everyone all the old like cow

guys just thought that i was just mentally disabled they just thought that like surely anyone who would not be wearing boots yeah must be eating paste they consulted their like handy guide like gay or slow and they looked at me like i don't know let's say both a little bit of column toy yeah just people were walking up to me talking really slowly, you know, and like my mom was getting pissed off at them. Did I ever tell you guys about when I tried to do line dancing?

God, no. Yeah, no. Go on. Yeah, there's a girl that I was into. This was like six years ago. Turned out to be a scarecrow. Yeah, no, she was real. Sometimes she does acid and calls me.

But yeah. Not on the phone, telepathically. Or as Tom calls it, the best relationship he's ever had. Never dated her. But yeah, she was just like, at one point she was like, yeah, come to the line dancing. And I was like, okay, wear some cowboy shit. So I wore my dad's work boots,

which are not made for dancing. And then I tried to do the dance thing, but the boots were just squeaking every move you made. Just, wee, wee, wee. It's not fucking up every single move and actually bumping into people. Yeah, you're just calling attention to how bad you are at it. Oh, yeah, It was the most embarrassing

fucking... Even when we two-stepped, it was just squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak as some fucking bumpkin sang about his car. I was imagining you had these big Mickey Mouse black steel toes and you're just fucking stepping on toes.

And there's no way for you to pretend it's anyone else. No. Everyone knows immediately you're the problem. Oh, yeah. No, I was 270 pounds. That would be like construction boots just fucking wobbling. It'd be like if you had to walk into a strip club, you know, but like someone was like, we're going to put this cat's bell around your neck.

So I'd be like, hey, look at me. I'm going to buy some titties, you know? Yeah, it was pretty, it was hilariously awful. Yeah. All right. Well, that was Steers or Queers. We'll be right back with the Mean Boys Mailbag right after this. And now it's time for Tom's Travel Trivia with Tom Goss.

Hey, everybody. It's Tom Goss. You might remember me from the podcast you're listening to right now. By that time, you had a mushroom hallucination so powerful that it willed me to exist. The Mean Boys are going on tour this spring, and I love traveling. that time you had a mushroom hallucination so powerful that it willed me to exist the mean boys are going on tour this spring and i love traveling the thrill of the open road the fine cuisine of missouri's elite gas stations the wind on my face as i chased the tour van when connor and keith for sure tried to abandon me in a swamp i thought i'd prepare for the tour by sharing with you some of

my favorite fun facts about the cities we're going to. I did a lot of research for this, by which I mean I drank a bottle of ether and I looked at Wikipedia until it started yelling at me. Buckle up, fucknuts. Let's talk about places. I watched that movie with Forrest Gump where he goes to infinity and beyond. What's it called? Alright, Apollo 13. He's always called? All right, Apollo 13. He's always telling Houston he's got a problem. Quit making Houston part of your problems, Philadelphia, man. Houston's got its own problems.

Hurricanes, crime, plus they got to smell New Orleans all day. Learn some coping skills. Tom Hanks, you needy bitch. Austin. Oh, yeah, Austin. Matt Damon is from here. Actually. Oh, yeah, Austin. Matt Damon is from here. Actually, wait, that's Boston. I got confused because they're both crazy loud and impossibly drunk.

I guess the big difference is that in Boston, they drop their R's, but in Texas, they just execute them. Dallas. Of all of the cities in the United States, this is the only one that historians definitely know that Debbie did. Kansas City. Kansas City is one of the only cities that is in two different states. Missouri and

Liquid. Science. St. Louis. This city's named after a guy from the Bible. Yeah, St. Louis. He would block the door and force you to watch him talk about Jesus turning fish into turtles or whatever the fuck his deal was. Indianapolis.

Lots of cities have wacky laws. For example, did you know that in Indianapolis it's technically illegal to steal a kid? Crazy. Nashville. Tennessee is one of the most important states in music history. Memphis is where black people perfected the blues, and Nashville is where white people stole it, mixed it with mayonnaise, and let it get gross in the sun. Jacksonville.

Fun fact, in the summer of 1976, the city of Jacksonville claimed that a dog told it to go on a killing spree, and the city murdered six people and wounded seven others. Neat. Orlando. Everybody shits on Florida all the time, but i think that's not fair sure it's not the most cultured place but it's charming and even if it is a little trashy i still think it's great its first couple of albums are really solid ah shit never mind you know what i was singing the

band stained yeah florida fucking sucks atlanta oh okay yeah at, Atlanta And when's that medicine you take when you got diarrhea or heartburn? No shit, that's not right That's, uh, uh, uh, what the fuck is that called? Mylanta? No, you know what? I'm thinking of stained again Anyway, come see the Mean Boys in all these places this spring Tickets are on sale at MeanBoysPodcast.com Once again, MeanBoysPodcast.com

And the Mean Boys Podcast is back Once again, memeboyspodcast.com. And the Mean Boys Podcast is back. To answer your questions, all that and more, the Mean Boys Mailbag. Yeah.'s the motherfucking mean horse man who begs. Yeah. All right. This week, we got some questions. In light of the Trump impression fiasco, which one of you can do the best all-time hacky impressions? Christopher Walken, George W. Shatner, et cetera.

Yeah, last week, we tried to record a sketch that needed a Trump impression, and we realized that none of us could do it, so we just put out us trying to do Trump impressions. Yeah, we just leaned into our own failure, which is maybe the best Trump impression we could have done. Right, yeah. I'd like to. Oh, what? What? I can't do one Trump joke?

You can. Should you? I'd like to build the wall. See, again. The wall. What are you even doing? I'm trying to do a Trump. I'm trying to fucking.

I'm hunting rabbits over here. Be very, very quiet. Mexicans are way better. Be very, very bad at your job. God, what? I don't know. You said you could do a W because you had to do a W in that sketch. Yeah, you're doing Beavis and Butthead is what you're doing. You gotta put food

on your family. I could do a passable one. No, you can't. No, I i mean that's only because i know the quote but i didn't really sound like it what what okay you really were banking a lot of that impression working off the all right so i sure was how about okay here's how about this you do uh you know put food on your family and then i'm going to play the real george bush saying it we'll compare yeah all right so uh give us your best take why don't we play the real George Bush saying it, and we'll compare. All right? So give us your best take. Why don't we play the real one first?

No, no, no. I don't want him to have a – I want him to just go blind on this. He's just trying to give it a fill here. All right. Yeah, exactly. You've got to put food on your family. All right. You're working hard to put food on your family.

Too many good dogs are getting out of business. Too many good dogs are peacefully. And you're Too many good dogs are getting out of business peacefully. And you're working hard to put food on your family. Okay. That was kind of close, I guess. It was all right. Mine was fine. Yeah.

It works. It works. I'm not an impression. Can you guys do, like, a walk-in? Oh, wow. It's not hard. It's not good at doing anything. I mean, the best bad impression we have is Bane.

Oh, wow. How does Shatner talk? Did you guys remember Bane was a nanny hole? You're moving into snagglepuss territory. Yeah, they all kind of get mixed up. So I'll try to do something. I just got like a Scottish snagglepuss. Ooh-ha!

As an Al Pacino. Fucking yikes. I really got like a Scottish snagglepuss. Ooh-ah! As in Al Pacino. Uh, fucking yikes. I really don't think I can. I did a pretty good Shatner in high school because I was in The Elephant Man, and I would just do all my lines as William Shatner to piss off my teacher. I can do Al Pacino in Scarface, but I can only do him saying, ho-kay. He's like, ho-kay! That doesn't count. If it's a one-word impression, that doesn't count.

That's what I'm saying. That's like saying I can sing And you just do by men I'm using that as a qualifier I can't actually do it I can do it in my head I can walk Even when you try to do walking with your mouth

Somehow your thighs are still scraping together My wife Creeping together. You. What. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. My wife.

Every time you try to do an impression, you just sound like an Italian man that's been caught masturbating. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm trying to put food on my family. He's like Travolta. Okay. I could do a good Travolta then.

Yeah. Oh, God. We've hit rock bottom, you guys. Oh, I can do a good Travolta then. Yeah. Oh, God. We've hit rock bottom, you guys. I can't do impressions. If Kirby from Smash Bros. absorbed you, what powers would he have? Pants. Pants? The power of having pants?

Of the qualities you have, I wouldn't say owning pants is in the top 100. I don't think I'd put it as a weakness. I feel like you barely own pants. Okay. Well, I'm just saying that pants is in the top hundred. I don't think I'd put it as a weakness. I feel like you barely own pants. Okay, well I'm just saying that would be a good way. You own pants like the same way Sith train apprentices. There's a rule of one. You can only have one guy, one

pair of pants. And then one day the pants will kill you and then they will raise their own. And then they'll adopt a stupid guy and the cycle I had two pairs of pants. I lost both pairs. I have no idea where the fucking pants were. Poker game. Bad galley. Oh, man.

The guy just putting his Walmart pants on the table. Fuck. What was the question? If Kirby from Smash Bros. sucked you up, what would his powers be? Like a confusion. Like a ghastly. Okay. Ghastly.

Okay. Kirby would get stupider? Why would he suck you up then? Huh? No, no, no. Confuse other people. It would be the Kirby cannibalism version of like eating a mushroom you shouldn't have in the woods.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And you could do like a Pokemon confuse ray type attack. Yeah, and it would get like a mohawk, even though I don't have one. Yeah, yeah. That would be like this little... I don't know what my... My Kirby would probably just have like sneakers on, I guess.

Yeah. I think my Kirby gains unwarranted confidence. I thought you were going to say weight. How does that change his B moves, though? What's up? How does that translate to the battle? It hits him confidently. Yeah, he believes in himself a little more.

That one sucks. He doesn't even do anything. Yeah. He doesn't get any better. You barely hear this. He continues sucking, and he doesn't feel as bad about it as he should. Everyone gets uncomfortable because Kirby's not self-aware, which is what everyone loves Kirby for, as we all know.

It's his self-deprecating, very honest comedy. And after Kirby was caught masturbating in front of those women. I'm trying to think, what would my Kirby power be? Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby. There's nothing distinct about me. Fucking Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby. There's nothing distinct about me. Fucking Kirby, Kirby, Kirby, Kirby. He's in the subway. Sucking up a whole pizza.

And he just gets fatter. He's just like the little magic like shine goes on and he just gets fatter. Todd Berry is King T.T.D. Yeah. Oh, man. If I knew any other good Kirby characters, this would be. Kirby's not even a good Kirby character. Kirby's stupid.

The Lucas Bros are the ice climbers. There you go. Yeah, that would be good. If comedians were in the Smash Bros universe, who would be who? Oh man. I'm trying to think who's Snake. I feel like Nick DiPaolo's Snake. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah. Snake. I guess I'm going New York comedians. From Metal Gear? Oh, I only played the Yeah. Snake. I guess I'm going New York comedians. From Metal Gear? Oh, I only played the Nintendo 64 version of Smash Brothers. Oh, okay. So you only had the black and white ones where you play as Steamboat Willie or whatever. All your dated-ass characters.

Man, Fatty Arbuckle is OP. Yeah, Tom's like, I used to rip it up with the Coppertone girl back when I was playing Smash. Kick your ass. I don't even know who that is. It's the naked girl on the bottle of sunscreen. You throw a Pokeball, Amos and Andy come out. Oh, man. That's OP, dude.

Everyone knows a black face. We've got to change the settings. Start over. Final destination. No black face. We have to nerf Amos and Andy. What would my guy do? You guys got any insulting suggestions here? Kirby eats you.

You would be like Ness, but instead of the yo-yo, it would be a fanny pack. Oh, okay. He would automatically get every gift and then just take them all for granted. Every prize pack would fall in front of him and be like, I have this. I got the hammer. I don't even want to use it. Yeah, front of him and be like, I have this. And I'd be like, I got the hammer. I don't even want to use it.

Yeah, whatever. It's like, this is nothing. I just have this hammer. I didn't do anything special. You know the upbeat where he shoots out the little lightning thing and you can shoot him forward that Ness has? Oh, sure, yeah.

Yeah, it would be a strap-on. Oh, cool. I got homing a strap-on. I'm so scarred by my experience. I'm like the Punisher, but for getting fucked. You know, I'm just like, no, I'm going to think I'm getting justice one way or another. All right. Rubber justice.

Yeah, that'd be fun. Oh, this is just in further, you know, elaborating on this. What would Tom's play style be if you were a fighting game character? I feel like you'd spam projectiles, I think would be part of it. Spam projectiles? Yeah, you know when people just shoot Hadoukens at you over and over again? Oh, you think I'd throw spam at people? Yeah, it would be actual literal spam.

You would throw hunks of spiced meat. Tom, and I say this sincerely, cannot afford spam. It would be a much lower grade of meat. Yeah, it would be like Spum, you know, like Malk, you know, the Simpsons bit. Yeah, yeah. You just have cubes of Hawaiian delicacies just bombarding you. Yeah, Tom is definitely just like a button mashing situation. Yeah, he's real quick.

He's jumping when he doesn't need to. He's just shooting lasers at places you aren't. He's so confusing. You just quit. I figured out what it is. He's the most powerful character, but what the buttons do changes every time you press them. That's pretty great. He's OP, but I mean, you don't know if X is going to be a or Y is going to be the control stick.

It's all over the place. You have a one in nine million chance of doing the hyper combo. But if you do it, it's an instant kill. Yeah, that's pretty fucking great. Yeah, I like this. Yeah. Keith's one. OK, so he your whole thing is if you use your grapple, you can get one of the other characters

to give you a ride somewhere. And then you jump out of the car while they're going off the stage and dying. There we go. Yeah, it's like a tricky kind of Bonnie and Clyde if one of them bailed before they went off the cliff situation. Oh, fuck, that's real good. What's Connor's? Oh, I just thought of what I can't say. Okay, think of what I can say. Yeah, what would I do? Again, I can't say. Okay, think of what I can say.

Yeah, what would I do? Again, I have no qualities. I know. You're very boring, and I don't know enough about fighting games to have a solid riff ready here. Yeah. I guess I would probably just fucking... I think you're one of those ones that's well-balanced but so boring, I'd rather play as anybody else. I'm like Link, where it's just like, who cares? cares yeah who gives half a shit like i like none of his moves

have changed since 1999 yeah you're objectively very good but you know i don't know let's see what uh mr watch is up to your boomerang is just those shoes you keep trying to sell unsuccessfully oh yeah yeah oh god he's flipping yeezys at us. What are Connor's top three death grip songs? Oh, I don't know. Off the top of my head, Baby Poison, The Fever, and I don't know, Giving Bad People Good Ideas or something. The Fever is the best one. Yeah, that one's pretty great. The Fever will make you want to kill a cop. Oh, yeah, dude.

It's a beautiful song. That song fucking... I'll have to listen to it. It's better than a cup of coffee in the morning. Yeah, my little brother had the best read on that where he just goes, this song makes all the time 3 a.m. Oh, yeah, no matter when you listen to Death Grips, it's 3 cup of coffee in the morning yeah my little brother had the best read on that word just because this song makes all the time 3 a.m oh yeah no matter when you listen to death grips it's three o'clock in the morning yeah i know p i didn't realize that would become make us look like a hipster thing when i did that i just thought it was a cool band when we started the show so are they hipsters kind of i mean i guess they just have an annoying fan base

but i mean i remember looking at it at the time going like oh this just seems like a nice you know community of people that just like this scary band. You know, it seemed kind of fun. And I was like, what do people like a thing? Everyone. There's a backlash to it. I know. Because no one's good at liking any.

That's why I don't have hobbies, because I'm like, what am I just going to go talk to other Yu-Gi-Oh players about their lives? That's the worst hobby you could have in terms of trying to interact with anything I'm interested in. It's going to be worse. That's a very good point. Yeah. You're telling me sneaker collecting or knife throwers are going to be much more palatable human beings? Honestly, knife throwers are probably the best group of humans in that group.

Yeah, because at least there's probably some down-to-earth Australians. Yeah, or it's just a practical skill when your island is full of alligators. Yeah. Any updates on Tom going into and Lewis comedian fight? You guys have got to fucking learn to write. Any updates on Tom going into and Lewis comedian fight league? Honestly, I really want to see Connor and Keith. It's your flamboyant managers.

No, no word on that. No updates as of yet. Skank Fest is coming up, though, so maybe we'll hit some sort of announcement there. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, I've been I kind of forgot about all of that. You forgot about the biggest troll campaign we've run. I know. I was like, Tom, it dominated your life.

I'm like, he's for sure going to forget about this in three weeks, and it's going to be a waste of time. You're like, no, I'm going to be Rocky. Yeah. Don't lose sight of how impressive that was. You successfully annoyed a man with thousands of dollars. Yeah. No, it was fun. I would love it.

I mean, I think it would be awesome. I sure do. And I genuinely think some version of it will come to pass. But I'm sure Louie's like, yeah, I'm trying to start a tea company. We're called Not Gay Tea. Yes. You know, it's like if you like tea, but it's got a skull on the bag, so it doesn't look lame.

Yeah. Earl Not Gay is one of the flavors. We have black tea, but we call it something else. Gay Breakfast is what we call it. Earl Tim Dillon's. Yeah. All right, guys, let's get into the voicemails. We've got one from our old pal across the pond, Ethan D. Lawrence.

Hi, Mr. Pond. Sent us a voice memo or whatever, I guess, so we can see what's going on with him. Your UK-based thrift shop, James Corden. Uh, I've just finished a, uh, uh, uh, pizza delivery shifts, uh, which should give you an indication of how well the acting's going over here in sunny England. Uh, and I managed to contrive a situation where without realizing I had four podcasts on the bounce, uh, with Connor on them. I think it was Conspiracy, the show from Unpops, Mean Boys subscriber, Mean Boys actual, and Existential Crisis, which is

yeah, that was interesting. Anyway, I've got a question for you, boys. You've got eternal life. You have been granted eternal life, but the only thing is, you have to pick an age that you're locked at for the rest of eternity. What age would you pick, and why? Fuck everything, God is dead.

Keep up, boys. Damn, that's a real good question. That is a very interesting question. First of all, it's really funny to me that Ethan follows us. He's verified on Twitter, and I was like, oh, well, that's cool. Maybe he'll give us a boost. And now he's like, I'm driving, delivering pizzas. And I'm like, ah, shit, maybe not.

I'm slinging pies, Roy. And then I was listening to the podcast and uh i've got a query for you damn that's a real good question i would for some reason my gut tells me 35 because if i get bored i could run for president you know i think i say president vampire i think i say 20 because i can only go off the experience that i have of where i was in my life at those ages yeah so i'm like i feel like 29 like i had my shit the most together i was in the best shape and my uh my dick worked the best like so i'm like that's a good place to be locked in that was like a year ago that's what i'm saying yeah

your dick has already declined no i know but just from 29 to 30 it just like black tuesday the stocks fell no i just hate threes i don't know if you guys know this. No, I'm like, yeah, that's when I was doing the best. I got a little fatter since then. But yeah, I don't know. I kind of am happy with where I'm at now, so I've got to freeze. Because I've been pretty miserable most other ages of my life. Yeah. Up until about 26, I hated being alive.

No, I think 35, because I could run for president. I could fuck women probably as young as like 22, 3, you know, without it being super creepy, without it being unconscionably creepy. Right. Or as old as 50. Well, here's the problem, though. I'm right in the middle. I got daddy vibes.

But this is the Twilight conundrum because you're going to be 800 fucking a 22-year-old. So it is unconscionably creepy. I mean, I guess. But I mean, it would be creepy if I fucked anyone. They're all children to me. That's a good point. Well, I think at that point it's like, oh, you're not a pedophile because you fucked a 40-year-old, but it would be creepy if I fucked anyone. They're all children to me. That's a good point. Well, I think at that point it's like, oh, you're not a pedophile because you fucked a 40-year-old, but you're a vampire. Yeah, yeah.

You've spent around the block enough times to handle your dumb vampire wiener. I've always had an issue with your vampire kink shaming, and this is just a perfect example. What do you think, Tom? You know, I hate all ages. Yeah, I can't think of a time where you were just, like, stoked. Yeah, I guess I'd just stay, probably just stay 25. Yeah. You know, because that seems like, you know, I can drink.

I mean, if you're immortal, I think you could just drink. Right, but I can't go younger than 20. Younger than 21 is no. Yeah. That'd be funny if you just did so much damage to your, like, seven-year-old brain, but you had to keep living. You know, where you're just like, I can't even, my motor skills are destroyed because I went on too many adorable benders.

Yeah, you become like the Shane McGowan of toddlers. Yeah, yeah, just toothless. Yeah, what about your teeth? Would they start falling? That would be interesting. I mean, if you have eternal life, presumably that implies toothless. Yeah, what about your teeth? Would they start falling? That would be interesting. I mean, if you have eternal life, presumably that implies you're not aging. And if your body's not aging, your teeth are part of your body. Yeah, okay.

Also, you can just, you know, if that's the case, let them rot, get dentures. Sure, yeah. Yeah, I can't do under 25 because I want to be able to rent a car without the extra pee. You're renting a car! You're immortal and you're renting a car. Yeah, Tom, you will never in your years of immortality have enough money to buy a Corolla.

In the most wildest hypotheticals, he can't entertain any sort of positivity or progress. It's always like, well, yeah, it's going to be hard to be homeless when I'm a 50,000-year-old, 30-year-old. But if I'm a 59,000-year-old, 25-year-old, maybe they'll feel bad for me and give me a couple bucks for a Gatorade

yeah I guess 25 I can rent a car and I can drink you don't think that with infinite life you could figure anything out you could you'd be doing fine I think you could assistant manage a TGI Fridays if you had eternal life I think if you had until the sun explodes

to make some moves, you might be able to get yourself up to shift leader at a GameStop. See, I don't want any of those things. I just want to be able to rent a car. Why? You have a car. You can go on the road. You have a car. You could get a new car, presumably, with the money you made and your thousands of years

of life. Yeah, but this is starting now. You don't start at 25 and then go back to pirate times, then rob for some gold and then use use that in the stock exchange i don't know how money works but that you know you can rent a car right now though like your your your thesis changes nothing about your current situation yeah no i feel like if we sent tom back in time and he's like oh my god i got all this information i could become rich i still don't think he does it i think i think he's like oh yeah i thought the patriots lost every superbowl i thought that was it i live on the pope deck you can walk by me when i sleep don't worry about yeah all right guys we got some uh that's uh god damn it tom that's so fun got some voicemails uh

so let's this one's a long one let's see what's going on here boys heard y'all like long pointless stories that don't really go anywhere boy have i got one for you so starts in 2018 January so talking to this girl I met on cinder we hit it off right away become really good friends eventually things start heating up but I was moving out of town for the summer So that was the point where we realized, like, oh, you know what? We should probably put this on hold because your boy's got to go make some mistakes in a different state. So I left town, left kind of things as they were, came back. Over 100 on the number of crimes we're about to hear.

She was, like, kind of talking to someone else or some shit like that. And I was like, all right, that's cool. And I spent the rest of the year focusing on myself but of course after all she and that guy fizzled out so she walked back into my life and we spent the winter just like slowly heating things back up recently she's been spending the night a couple times made out a couple times i haven't fucked yet that That's not, like, my main angle, but, like, you know, I mean, it'd be nice, but that's not what I'm getting at here. Uh, but every time I try to broach the subject of us, like, moving forward, and she, like, guys, she obviously cares for me. Like, I obviously care for her. Like, things are fucking plain, but every

time I broach this subject, she's bringing up her, her like intimacy issues and how things have always been for her and it's like this is so fucking complicated uh so it's a difficult thing to deal with and then like there's this gay guy and he's like he's obviously gay like i'm not like his instagram profile says like hey i'm gay and like all right comments on all her photos like you know i wish you would fuck me and she's like i wish you would fuck me and they're just really like it's such a weird fucking dynamic and i'm reading all this while like trying to make something happen to her and it's just really fucking confusing um but beneath it all like she and i have great chemistry

we get along so well like on every level it really just feels i've been in seven relationships y'all so like i know what bad feels like i guess i don't know what good feels like but i think this is the closest i've ever had to good as far as like how we get along and shit this is so far above my fucking pay grade what are you even asking me i don't know man what how do you guys handle being attracted to somebody that is throwing up a lot of red flags, but you can't just walk away from those red flags because you still really care for the person? I love the show. Time's the best.

Bye. All right. Man. I don't know. Well, maybe start with a public speaking course. That was an eloquent ass speech. Here's what I want to point out.

Eloquent? It didn't say, yeah, I'm gay. Wow, eloquent. Here's how you know this is a rough situation. This guy goes, this is the closest I've had to a good relationship and it has led you to call the mean boys for advice. That's a good point i mean i dude i i totally sympathize with that because nothing will make me you know fucking goon out on a girl harder than just a bucket

of red flags being poured over like the end of carrie uh the honest truth is you kind of got to walk away i think based on the situation you're describing yeah it doesn't sound like she's that into it. I mean, you know, yeah, if she's you know, if she's telling you, you know, she's got intimacy issues. She's not feeling it. That's just if there's no cheat code to beat that shit. And even if you're approaching something like that from a place of I'm going to beat that shit. That's a that's a rough place to work from because it's you know, it's very easy to be less concerned about her feeling better and dealing with herself and more about how you win this girl. Let me tell you kids a little something about love.

There's no magic. There's no special anybody. You find someone that doesn't piss you off and you hack it until it stops being fun. All right? That's all it is. And this honestly sounds like a pain in the ass. So stop wasting your time. I mean, that's all it is and this is honestly sounds like a pain in the ass so stop wasting your time i mean that's the reality is and yeah it's you know if this is a situation where you're not even dating and you're already having like mad problems yeah and just like don't

it's always you could always don't don't put your pr team and your brain to work for her to because that just will make you put up with a bunch of shitty stuff which is something i think all the mean boys have dealt with yeah no i'll tell you what happens if you don't walk away from this is you guys will be in a relationship, and then she's not going to have worked through the things she needs to work through, and then that's going to bum you out because you're going to want to do stuff, but you also want to bum her out, and then you're going to feel worthless about yourself

because you can't help her. She can't help herself while she's in a relationship. The next thing you know, you're ro to feel worthless about yourself because it's not, you know, you can't help her. She can't help herself. The next thing you know, you're roped into podcasting and people just make fun of you on the Internet all day. And then you live in a kitchen. You're 5,000 years old. You're still the same age. You're still renting cars for some reason.

You're not allowed to rent the cars anymore because you crashed the last 12. All you've got to show for your faith in the human race is a bunch of jokes about dolphins. Yeah, and it's nothing against her or you it just sounds like she hasn't worked through her shit and she can't do that while dating you have some kind of bad thing happen or something i don't think you really gave us any info yeah i assume yeah yeah and i just want to double back to the the weirdness of the gay guy and the the sexually flirty comments or. That's just a dynamic women and gay dude.

You know what? And you know what? I think straight dudes get very sort of like insecure about that because I think it's hard for straight dudes to really rationalize the fact that anybody is all the way gay. Okay. Yeah. You know, like I think in a straight dude brain, you're like, okay, but like if a hot girl said like, but I'll fuck you right now, a gay dude would be like, okay.

Yeah. I never really, that's never really gay dude would be like, okay. Yeah. I never really, that's never really bothered me, so I can't really relate. I think so. I think so. I've known straight dudes who get weird about stuff like that before. No, yeah, sure. And also, you know, it's different if you're dating somebody. Like I've had to have that conversation with somebody I was dating where they had like a gay best.

I just want to plow your fucking ass. Yeah, a gay BFF where I'm like'm like hey that's like still my girlfriend so maybe stop talking about yeah no that was a huge fight what happens with me and keith when keith has a girlfriend it's your ass yeah about an awkward hey can you stop making out with your friend on stage conversation trying to make buzz come on i got a huge huge fight with my first girlfriend because she had this gay friend who just fondled her tits. Right. And I'd be like, hey, could that not be a thing that happens? And she fucking screamed at me.

I was like, if there was a lesbian girl who just grabbed my dick in front of you, you would be fucking pissed off, too. Yeah, it's a boundary thing. And every friendship is different. Every relationship is different. Right. I don't know. That wouldn't bug me. I don't feel like I own anybody's tits, I guess. Yeah, I get that.

I don't think you're wrong to be bothered by it. It's not that I own them. I think I just have low self-esteem. I'm like, yeah, but she wants that guy to touch her. Yeah, and it wouldn't be. Anytime a woman chooses to let someone else touch their tits that's not me, I'm always like, I completely understand. It's like not getting a job you know you were underqualified for.

You should have done this a while ago, if we're being honest. No, it wouldn't bug me either for a multitude of reasons, but I get how some do. It would be hard to be annoyed with your dick so hard. You know what's funny? She said, you don't own my tits, so when you said that, all of my fucking weird fucking... No, that's not what I'm saying. Shit just flooded back into my head. I'm like, no.

No, I was just talking about me, I guess. You're about to be a proxy fighter for Tom's failed relationship. Yeah. I got like, no. No, I was just talking about me, I guess. You're about to be a proxy fighter for Tom's failed relationship. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got a nuts date. Yeah, dude. All right. Yeah, so good luck with that.

Good luck, man. Find another girl. Yeah, maybe give her some space. Or just don't. Yeah. Just kill life. Just have a good life. Yeah.

You can also do both. You can, you know, it it's definitely possible i know no one else in this room believes it but nah nah all right you're gonna die unfulfilled because you let love into your heart yeah that's what it is which uh this is danny from long island fucking found you guys through adam todd brown came by finally got through with going through all the bad catalog, and you guys are the funniest fuckers in the fucking world. Makes sense, bud. And I got two

questions for you. Yes and no. Basically, the thing I want to know, one, when is Keith's new album going to come out on iTunes? Because I want that. That's the thing I need. because I keep Forever Nav on replay because that's the funniest shit I've ever heard

to me Keith is one of the best comedians that's out there and I just want him to keep going and be the best he can and my second question when are we going to get more from Connor and Tom you guys have nothing on YouTube. There's no clips of you.

You have no albums. I want to see more stand-up. I live out in New York. I can't get out to L.A., and I want to see as much of you funny motherfuckers as I can. Thanks, guys. Keep fucking going. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Well, thanks for all the kind words. He built in such a Suspenseful pause In the middle Before he got it I thought he was Unraveling a scroll To fucking

Yeah When was the first time He killed a man And when was the last Yeah Thank you for the kind words About Forever Nap The new album

Partylicious Will be out March probably I'm meeting with Kyle Because I put it out On Kyle Clark's new Label Radland Records I'll have a release

date and album art and shit soon but we're still kind of hammering that out but it'll be out before we go on tour so you'll be able to buy it online and then you'll be able to buy it hard copies on the tour no I love them one of the reasons I don't have any stand up clips up is I'm in August I'm going to record an

album I'll give more specific What an enthusiastic announcement. I was going to try and juice it for you. I want to. I want to. Yeah. I want to give the official information and all that. You know, not.

Well, yeah, obviously. Sure. But August. Yeah. August. I'm recording in the Midwest. So. All right.

Well, that was that was a podcast. Yeah. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. Tour dates are on sale now. All the tickets are up and live. Meanboyspodcast.com. February 22nd, come out to the Madhouse in San Diego. Come see us do a live Mean Boys there.

Yeah. Shows added in Indianapolis and Atlanta, and some more may be coming soon in the Ohio area. So if you guys just get on that email list if you're not already. We're also not going to Minneapolis. I didn't say Minneapolis. I think you did. Indianapolis?

I said Indianapolis. Oh, I think you said Minneapolis. Yeah, no, I said Indianapolis. I must have misheard this, my bad. Yeah, so we're not coming to Minneapolis. Suck our dicks, Minneapolis. All right. That's the show.

Thank you. Yeah, also 14th through 17th, I'll be at the UConn Comedy Festival. Come out to that, too. March 1st, I'll be in Sacramento Headlining the Stab Comedy Theater Amazing name for a venue I love that

And March 2nd I'll be headlining The Savage Henry Comedy Club In Eureka, California I know a couple of you guys Hit me up on Twitter And Facebook about that one So that's when I'll be there

March 2nd Okay yeah The 6th I'm back in Sacramento At Laughs Unlimited Headlining a show there And then this weekend At the

Actually don't worry About this weekend Because it's in San Diego And I'd rather you came to the live podcast. So I'm not doing nothing this weekend. No, don't look at anything. You won't find me. I'll be nowhere near any burrito

with french fries in it this weekend. All right. Fuck everything. God is giving