Mean Boys - EP 183 - Dirty Pez (feat. Jozalyn Sharp)

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Vizit Jozalyn's website: http://www.jozalynsharp.com/ Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Go to Now Is Not The Time live at UCB in LA on 2/26: sunset.ucbtheatre.com/performance/67372 Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest Jozalyn Sharp on Twitter: twitter.com/jozalynsharp Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Well, well, well, everybody. It's the Mean Boys podcast back again. God damn right it is. Oh, boy.

You do a lot of fun facial-based humor on the podcast. I sure do. The thing that people listen to that isn't filmed. You know what they can hear? The shape of my mouth. That's really where the crux of this goes. You know when you don't do a lot of expressing is when people are looking at you in real life with their eyes. Now, that's when you're not super angry.

Oh, I turn into a fucking glass panel. Yeah, more of what I would call a perturbed rock. Window, I believe is the term. Granite! Most perturbed of the rocks. I'll give it to you, sure. Well, you know what you shouldn't take for granted? This amazing episode with our friend Jocelyn Sharp. Yep. Yep, boy.

Smooth like butter, that segue. Yeah, Jocelyn Sharp, an old friend of ours, came to join us in the studio. We didn't even talk about her tits getting run over by a car. Oh, yeah. We'll have her back on for sure. I don't know how you missed that. Yeah, she was awesome. Great guest follower on everything.

Go to JoslynSharp.com. That's her website. While you're over there, if you're in Las Vegas, pick up tickets for March 23rd. Me and Connor are going to be doing her show at the Stratosphere in Vegas. Yeah, it's a fun comedy club. I perform there.

It's a dirty show, so we get to let loose and talk about assholes. Yeah, not like my normally stodgy material. Yeah like my really heady introspective comedy yeah like which is like it's the filthy show my cool i'm gonna do the same set i do everywhere yeah this is gonna be the same old stuff about dicks yeah daddy's got one speed right now exactly daddy ain't written a new hour yet exactly so yeah go go see that enjoy And, you know, we're going on the road. And one thing I really want to do while we're out there, I want to go to some cool restaurants. I want to meet the fans.

You know, I want to get into some fun shenanigans. But more than anything, I think I want to tase Tom with powerful volts of electricity. I mean, what do all of those things? Yeah, well, it's up to you guys if we can. We can, but we can't. Because, you see, as it stands currently, we're 41 iTunes reviews away. All right? 41.

A scant 41. And, you know, people listen. They go, man, I hope you believe those reviews. You are that guy, unfortunately. Yeah. You're going to have to recover your Apple ID. And I know that that's a stressful process. But the reward, seeing a man so innocent, so pure, so fragile,come by the forces of nature.

It'll be like we're electrocuting. We'll be electrocuting a baby deer. Yeah. This wide-eyed joy will be zapped to death. Oh, yeah. You know, doctors have been trying to do this to me for years. So you really get to spit in the face of medical science. We're going in tits first.

As a medical professional, I'm just trying to do something that science couldn't. You know? Yeah. We're trying to keep our community safe. And honestly, there's a good chance it might bring Tom back to life. I'm a professional. I'm just trying to do something that science couldn't. We're trying to keep our community safe. And honestly, there's a good chance it might bring Tom back to life. So that's one thing we'll have to look forward to. There hasn't been a Tom in 40 years.

Yeah, we got this review, and you guys can leave us one. Five stars. Really touches my progressive Midwestern boner. Best podcast online. If you're a true blue-collar progressive Midwesterner like myself, this is your kind of comedy. Long-time listener. Just got my first Apple device, so I guess I'll leave a review. Tom Goss is hilarious. What's not funny is how well I can understand slash

connect with him despite being an engineer. Whoa, I'm never going to look at bridges the same way again. Wait, what was the last thing you said? He's an engineer, but he relates to you a lot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't drive where he's from. Totally oblivious to social cues. Memory like a goldfish. Copious consumption of edibles, brain words, etc.

Brain words. That's the best way to describe it. Brain words. What you do with your concepts. You got your own lexicon in there. You know, you got your own kind of clockwork orangey language that I have to catch up to. There is the Tom speak, and I think we all kind of are getting on board. But thank you for that review.

Leave us your review if you haven't already to try and get Tom electrocuted by the time we go on the road. He also said he's been tased a few times and it's not that bad. Oh, nice. Our fans are sexual assaulters. Yeah. Oh, do people...

We hit the bushes of the park demographic hard. 100%. I even think about that. People use electricity to come. That's not what we meant at all. We meant he was tased because he was trying to assault a lady. Yeah, you know, like in a park. Oh! We don't want to come. That's not what we meant at all. We meant he was tased because he was trying to

assault a lady. Yeah, you know, like in a park. Oh! We don't want to discriminate. We want to be woke. Y'alls are going to be trying to abscond with a man. Some of this boy pussy the kids are all a-titter about on the interwebs. Got to make sure you keep your rape jokes

woke in the intro to your podcast. Yeah, that's the best place to do them, you know? Oh, man. Well, if you want to see Tom potentially get electrocuted or just see us do comedy, buy tickets for our roadshows now. They're all on sale pretty much. Yeah, they're all up there. We got it all planned out. It's going smoothly.

This Thursday, San Diego, California, live Mean Boys podcast at the Madhouse Comedy Club. Yeah, man. And let's hilariously check how many tickets have been sold. And I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's's a small amount let's just let the listeners know the level of anxiety we're operating guess at home how many you think with the thirstiness of this plug now okay it seats 35 people all right now how many people would you have to have in there for it to be a decent show i would say i've done a show in that room for 15 people and it's been decent now we're at four now that's depressing

even in a place the size of a clock that is you guys we we i'm having flashbacks because when we did the comedy palace the great endless bummer debacle we did we had four people show up at the car and so many of you asked us to come back to san diego i know you can't burn us on this because i love san diego i love coming down there but i mean we got at a certain point we're gonna have to decide for everyone's well-being to stop doing comedy there. Yeah, we put our dicks on the table with this club a little bit. So, you know, if you're in Orange County and you feel like making a drive, why not? Yeah, it would be fun, you know?

Yeah. It would be great. You go to the beautiful gas lamp, walk around and get drunk with your fellow white tourists. You know, be at home. Go swim freely. And then, yeah, we're going all over the place all through texas and the south and the midwest and florida even atlanta show in cincinnati at it all that shit is uh on me boys pockets.com get on the email list if you're not for periodic

reminders and uh any any pertinent updates yeah and grab those tickets uh while you're uh while you're sorry while you're signing up for bullshit jump on the mean boys patreon patreon.com slash mean boys yep five bucks a month. Weekly bonus content. We just did one that came out that was fucking the best one we ever did. It was the whole oral history of the Wienermobile. We did a whole episode about the Wienermobile. I was too high to keep track of what was going on in that episode.

Here's what's great. Very little was going on. What was going on is a car shaped like a hot dog. That's the beginning and the end of the Wienermobile. And what you brought to the table was perfect. Because you were just a guy who was pure, like as if you took

some sort of caveman from a tribe and showed him the Wienermobile. So you got to see the raw human reaction to making a car looking like a food.

Also, that episode inspired me. We're going to be driving around a lot of this tour in a tour van and I do kind of want to put something

on it that says the Wienermobile. Oh, fuck. I like the Wienermobile a lot, actually. That's pretty good. We could put it on the windshield. the Meanermobile. Oh, fuck. I like the Meanermobile a lot, actually. That's pretty good. We could put it on the windshield. Yeah, that'd be a good place.

That's one of the parts of the car where things can go. We duct tape it over the windshield. Yeah, as we're just driving, like, all right, I got to tilt my head so I can see the O. Look through the O. Look through the O. What is it? Oh, yeah, I guess there's an O in mobile. Nothing's meaner than refuting sight.

Cool. Well, $10 a month gets you a sweet piece of swag. We just sent out those cone zone keychains. We're sending out a sticker pack this month. We got a Ramsey Batawi. Batawi. Bataw. Batawi.

Yeah, Ramsey Batawi. Yeah, Ramsey Batawi. But Ramsey Batawi, that was me, a Chinese pirate. The most conceited pirate in the high seas. Ramsey Batawi, vape rights attorney sticker. We got a Vito Powers White Power Pizzeria Yeah where they serve

Really old fashioned pizza And stay out Exactly And of course A new one with our Our new Beautiful synth wave logo Yeah which

God damn it That's a sexual logo Fresh off the Motherfucking drive soundtrack With that bad boy Anything else We got to plug guys Oh you know what

One thing I want to say Really quick is that If you are a comedian And you live in one of the cities Where the tour is coming through and you listen to the podcast, first of all, thanks. I'm always flattered when other comedians listen to the show. But if you want to open for us, send us a tape or a message or a missive or whatever and say, hey, I'd like to come do the show in Austin. And, yeah, we'll find some funny people. So I thought it would be more fun if we had people on the show that actually knew the show.

So if that's you, fucking drop us a line. It would be cool to meet you, hang out. You could show us around town. Or shizzle. Yeah. And real quick, I want to give a shout out. I feel bad because I forgot your name, dude, but there was a Mean Boys fan in Bishop, California who helped me out a great deal by getting us snow chains.

He bought snow chains. We're going to send you some shit in the mail, and we thank you very much for not letting us die in the snow. Snow chains is a white rapper actually. He's from Idaho. Where are my Snow Chains? You don't get them. Snow Chains? Is that what's going to happen after

Conzone where it's like, alright, it's shaved ice but we make it taste like pepperoni. I just gotta figure out how to make a pepperoni juice and then we're there. We've got a great show with Jocelyn Sharp coming down the pipes. Here for you to enjoy right now. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Podcasts are just aspirin for loneliness. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... The cool manager at a Spencer's Gifts. That's your whole energy. Yeah, that is pretty accurate.

Look, I'm fun and I listen to the youth of today's music, but also I work at the mall. Yeah, yeah. I didn't get a whole end cap display of my picks for this week by making friends. I like to think I'm the mom of this store that sells exclusively family guy dildos. Try the Stewie. Let me tell you, I'm dipping into these Funko Pop shivvies before they hit the floor. The Stewie. It's got a football-shaped tip.

Just the worst shape for a dildo ever. Every user review, one star. Incredibly uncomfortable. If you want to bake a cake shaped like a nutsack in this town, you gotta go through me. That is also my vibe already, and I don't work at Spencer's. You just make nutsack cake pastries?

Yeah, everything I make is nutsack shaped. You do look like you work at a politically charged bakery. Hold up, Ma. We got all nutsack air things. Nuts on the truck. Nuts on the fuckingack air things. Nuts on the truck. Nuts on the fucking t-shirt. Yep, yep. That's my merch. Nuts in my belly.

You're goddamn right. I didn't get a nutsack-shaped flapjack this morning. Have you guys done bad pancake? You know how people do the pancake art? Wouldn't it be sad if you just drew a whole cartoon, but not to take a picture for anybody just because you wanted to eat something that looked like nuts. Somebody is eating a photo reel depiction of the Mona Lisa on a pancake. What is pancake art?

It's when people use the batter and they let certain areas of it fry for longer so it gets burnt and you can draw a picture with it. Ah, yeah. They can just draw. Yeah, but they're doing it with a pancake. That's part of the gimmick. You're just eating art. Yeah. Do the're doing it with a pancake. That's part of the gimmick. Yeah, but then you're just eating art. Yeah. Do the shits have cool designs too?

Yeah, they come out like a Play-Doh fun factory. Oh, wow. I hate this shitty. That's something I've been pitching for a long time. It's like a butt plug device that has like a star mold. So you can poop out like fun shapes. I think they have that shit in Japan. If they don't, they will.

They definitely will, yeah. Yeah, I think they do. You know the hose guns where you click them for like, this one's for like the shower mode and this is the jet and then this is the flat one for kind of getting, like if you could have different, if you could just click it in your ass and be like, you know what, today I'm feeling crescent moons.

And you could just, you know, and you cut it out into little slices. I think Japan does this. I can't fathom a world where you would need crescent shaped shit. I don't think the Japanese are out there. Selfies. Selfies. How would you take a selfie of your shit that's like the opposite of a selfie? You'd have to crouch next to the toilet like you just bought a new car on instagram this used to be my selfie just put a

big pink bow on the shit oh yeah yeah lexus makes it a december to remember hashtag grind for real can you take molded shits what did you possibly google to get this information can you take molded shits can you five take... Google said, what? This President's Day, green giant porn presents a whole new innovation in the world of pooping. Five things your poop says about your health. Your cat's poop is more dangerous than you thought. This is what happens if Tom just starts reading listicles that he's too stupid to realize have nothing to do with the information he's trying to ascertain. And then he confuses himself.

Rosanna Pansino created the emoji-shaped baking mold. Yeah, I don't think they have it. You went way left on that. Yeah. We're talking about

baking some fucking ass piss. We're talking about real serious subjects here. I like that it's like a normal butt plug wasn't already uncomfortable enough.

Yeah, I guess that's the truth. Yeah. You've never been like, I wish this was all so jagged when there's one in there. That was like my favorite. Here's another game you could do.

Put a butt plug in and then just get so constipated that when you finally do shit, it pops it out of your ass like a champagne cork. Jesus Christ. You know what I was thinking of? There's like these glitter bombs. Connor's exclusively eating Mentos and Diet Coke. You can eat like a glitter bomb and it comes out all sparkly and sexy. They do sell that out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I'm seeing. When I'm honestly kind of curious to see what it would be like to have a sparkly poop. My friend went to AVN and there's this porn star that was letting guys put butt plugs in her ass and pull them out. And he put it into her ass and pulled it out and it was covered in shit when it came out. And she was like, ah! That happened to me the last time I had a butt plug in. And it was covered in shit when it came out. And she was like, ah. You got a Charlie Dexter for that. The last time I had a butt plug in, my girlfriend pulled it out.

And she clearly took a glance and went, oh, no. And she kind of threw it away. And I looked afterwards. I'm like, oh, that's just all poop. And she was a trooper. She carried on with it. But I'm just like, what do you think was going to happen? You went in the cave.

You found some bats. That's where they live. Yeah. I mean, it seems like it would be hard to completely, it's one of these things where to completely lock down the premises. I mean, that's got to be, and it's got to be easier to do that in a Navy SEAL fucking raid of a terrorist hideout than an asshole with poop.

You can never really be sure that you've got the whole, you know, operating area properly cleaned. I think some people are just lucky with it I know some gay guys that will like tell me they won't eat for like 12 hours before they like only eat like things that are not going to make them shit a lot they'll have like a liquid diet almost

leading up to it. It's like you're prepping for surgery. Yeah and then they give themselves like an enema so it's like literally a clean shoot. Yeah I have a whole bit. Which is like way too much prep to fuck for me. Yeah exactly I'm just like if it doesn't take me five minutes I don't really want to do it. If I can a whole bit. Which is like way too much prep to fuck for me. Yeah, exactly. I'm just like, if it doesn't take me five minutes, I don't know what I want to do.

If I can't do this. I've not had sex with someone because I'm like, I'm going to have to put on a t-shirt. Yeah. Two whole shoes on. Okay, I don't know. The most effort I've made

to fuck somebody is splash water on my pussy in a bathroom sink at a bar. That's like the most effort I've ever put into it. Let me hit it with a little aqua valve before you come over. Yeah, the bathroom attendants don't like it very much, but they don't expect you to tip. What if someone gives you a mint and you pop it in there?

It is funny because you've got to get the water in your hand and you've got to cradle it while you undo your pants with the other hand. And then just like shimmy out of them. And you're like, you know, you're a lady. You wear tight jeans, so that's got to be tough. And you're spilling the water. Oh, no, you just drop them to the ankles, put one leg up on the wall and just kind of hope most of it hits it.

You just fucking try to splash it in like a bear trying to catch a fish. Just slap in the water. You're trying to get a geriatric bulldog to drink out of a water fountain at a park. I knew interesting things were happening in the ladies room. It became very clear we were going to go hook up in her car and I was like, ah shit, so I had to go in the bathroom

and try to find a way to discreetly rinse my... But it wasn't a one person bathroom. It was a multi-person so I had to get in there and rinse my dick real fast before anybody else came in. Yeah, exactly. Because there's no way to be like, it's okay, I'm doing it for a lady. That looks even worse. Don't worry, someone's about to suck it.

I genuinely had the thought could I just rinse it with the toilet water? I't do it like a reverse bidet yeah like some sort of horny bird bath you know you're just like okay let's baptize him your dick clogs the toilet uh yeah i flushed my dick they open the pipe my dick's all zigzaggy, like stretched out through the pipes. I will say I flushed like an airplane toilet while I'm sitting down in the sensation of like the suction. You're like, ooh, this is exhilarating. That's a nice little pick-me-up, and that's a little cup of coffee for your fucking taint. Yeah, but there's no way to get that replicated.

You can't be like, all right, lady, hoover my taint. Yeah, turn into a plane. Now flush. Ew. Wait, turn into a plane. Now flush. Ew. Wait, what did you say? I don't know why that was so gross to me. Turn into a plane so I could go shit inside you. I remember thinking, like, nothing's going to gross Jocelyn out.

We got you before the beginning of the first segment. I'm very gross. I'm the same way about shit. Yeah, I'm the same way about shit. The anal beads seem like that's got a whole, like, just with the amount of friction, that's like taking a whole, like, deep scrubbing grill brush to the inside of your anus. That seems like you're going to pull out some prizes. It's the same principle those plastic, like, drain cleaners have.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They put the tension in there so the suction pulls all the old hair out. You know what I'm going to do? You pull anal beads and they just attach to the last one is the lady's teeth. I don't know. It's an engagement ring. I got it all figured out. A bone.

I'm about to revolutionize gay sex right now. I did this perfectly. You know those big fuzzy sticks you put inside a saxophone to keep it clean? Yep, yep. You fucking shove one of them.

You get like pipe cleaners? It's like a big pipe cleaner. Eight inches. You shove it up your ass. It's all feathers and stuff. No moisture. It's like a big pipe cleaner. Eight inches. You shove it up your ass. It's all feathers and stuff. No moisture. It's going to scrape all the fucking.

You're not getting anything through there. You whip that out and you got a perfectly pristine asshole. And also now you can have a fun stinky sword fight with your boyfriend when he pulls his out. Tickle fight. Exactly. Gay guy saxophone. I went to fucking, what's it called, Rough Trade, which is like the gay sex toy store in Silver Lake.

And I went in there, and I've had gay sex, and I thought I knew the world. Sorry, that's the most adult version of no girls allowed. I went with a girl, and the energy was very clear from the guy who worked there. He's like, you sure, bro? Because you look, and it's like terrifying. There's like one that is just a butt. The mascot for Rough Giraffe, by the way, is a very, very skinny giraffe.

It's a butt plug that is no shit like the size of a trailer hitch. Yeah. And it has a raptor tail on it. I'm like, man, what an unnecessary thing. Whoa, and then the other guy dresses up like Chris Pratt and does a little hand motion. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Clicks at him. He has like an app on his phone that's like, all right, attack formation.

Life finds a game. The butt plug goes and attacks a T-Rex Sibian. Yeah, yeah. Well, if you put that butt plug in, though, you can smell fear, which is a good. You can smell a lot of things but fear is one of them i like that marketing execs are still assholes though and that when girls have butt plugs with tails it's like raccoons and cats and got boys they were like dinosaurs yeah some girl getting butt fucked like no fair i want to be a fire truck that's funny that's funny the guy who's

like mad about like gender roles or whatever but he's but it's about butt plugs. And he's like, I'll be goddamn if any son of mine is putting in a kitty cat tail up his ass. You get a velociraptor, scorpion, or those are your options, all right? I want one with a fist on the other. Your butt plug has truck nuts. Your butt plug is just a dick. Another dick.

A friend of mine from high school was like, he was telling me about somebody who looked up on Reddit, and he was like, yeah, you should check it out. And I was like he was telling me about somebody he looked up on reddit and he was like yeah you should check it out and I was like I was trying to find I couldn't remember

what the name of it was so I was like oh I know his reddit account I'll just go on his history and I'll see if I can find it and then I see him commenting on like tail butt plug subreddits and being like

more please but he spelled more like M-O-A-R to be like cute and funny that was the most shameful part of it to me what does that mean?

M-O-L-R? It's just like a gross thing. It's just like a cute way to spell more like children do, you know? Like women that wear cat eye, that's kind of how they would write it.

Oh, it's scene kids sort of slang. It's like if Zooey Deschanel wanted to see a lady get her asshole turned into a raccoon. Now, I would love to watch or want to see that,

but that's... Yeah, it's the kind of thing you would think just based visually that Jaws would say until you talk to her five minutes yes i'm much cooler than them i definitely have did not lose my virginity to hollywood undead yeah oh god what is hollywood it's a terrible they're the worst yeah they're when slipknot is too dignified yeah they're the shittiest band maybe the worst band ever yeah they came around the time of like the

303s and like the rap rock rap rock when it was really popular. The best thing is that pinpoints exactly when you lost your virginity so perfectly. Because there was only six months when anyone cared. I lost my virginity. 2006, 100%. I lost my virginity with Austin Powers' gold member playing in the background. That's my memories. Wow, so funny.

Not even a good one. That's so funny. Now I'm being disappointed from both ends yeah you just have to hear austin powers doing a weird finnish accent the whole time you're getting plowed it's just not good oh man why couldn't he make me horny i like to imagine that the foreplay started when fat bastard has a skin box out which is my favorite scene in that film. God, what a shitty movie. Terrible. No, man, it was good. Beyonce's in it.

It's so bad. I liked when I was younger, and I didn't really know that movies could be considered bad. And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's a movie. What could be better? Yeah, I'm with you. I thought everything was good when I was younger. Everything was so pure.

And I'm like, what? This is great. It's the same silly guy from the other two. I love it. I'd say Austin Powers, though, is 20. And I'll tell you what. That's the right age to watch it. That's really when you get into it. As a 20-year-old who had

no nostalgia for it, I did not think it was good at all. Really? No. Which one did you see? I think the first one. Oh, okay. It was with my theater troupe. In the backyard. In Tustin. Nothing cool ever happens with a troop

then me and the troop got together and we jumped a monster truck over the gorge whoa you were a troop calm down not oop o-u-p yeah we were no there's no no cool troop activities no really we were doing a play about some sort of incest in the Titanic. Yep. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. And I missed every other bonding thing. I would avoid any activity that requires the membership within a troop.

I would never want to as a piece of a troop, I don't think I could respect myself. I don't like to be, I'm in a troop. There's no more. My dick got softer every time I even pretended to think that. I was in a musical theater troupe for eight years, and every fingering I got during it was very begrudging. Yeah.

You're not a man. Okay, I guess. I guess I can't tell my dad yet. And I wasn't even a lead, so it was like, you know. Nobody in a troupe knows what to do with a clitoris. No, no. If you do, guess what you're out of the fucking troop do i do monty python lines at it like well i don't know i always imagine they've got some sort of caravan full of scarves they're tooling around in and it's just disgusting i'm just

imagining someone finger a girl going is this the TARDIS? Yeah, I know. It's bigger on the inside, Greg. Shut up. Yeah, it is funny when you get to the Hulk. Just let me pretend you're Channing Tatum and you pretend I'm Channing Tatum. I had a weird situation one time where I fucked a guy and he did family guy impressions the whole time. No.

But here's the thing. It started and I was like, and he's a comic um i it started and i was like what the fuck and then like they were really good impressions though and he was like in the moment the improvs were good so i was like i'm gonna go with it you know he's doing the baby yeah no he didn't do stewie he did he how do we loop around to stewie bucking somebody twice which ones did he do? He did Stewie. He just started with Stewie during the foreplay. Then he went to Brian. Then he went to Quagmire.

And then when we started fucking. Yeah, all the hard ones. When we started fucking, he was Peter and he called me Lois the whole time. Okay. Which was very specific. I wish you would have gotten more deep cut. Like a greased up deaf guy. Yeah, that could be nice.

I like that Jocelyn was in a real-life reenactment of a Pornhub clickable ad. Yes, I actually did. Wood Rocket presents this bitch. Hey, Bot Simpson, why don't you suck my cock? Oh, yeah. I love your tight little boy pussy, Bot.

Crowded bunghole. I got the yellow fever. Have you guys ever gotten yelled at for riffing too much during sex? Yes. No. Yeah. I've been yelled at during sex a lot. Because I'm pretty funny, and I don't think I really get appreciated the way I am.

You don't turn it off during sex. Wait, you're doing crowding. I'm never more insecure, of course, when I'm riffing. I don't like being naked, so I'm always like, let me create a smoke screen of comedy. My best shots are inside of people. I'm just picturing you like, hey lady, I don't come down to where you work and knock my dick out of your mouth. I'm sure I'm always just joking about having AIDS or whatever. You know, solid riffs.

Solid juvenile sort of things. First date riffs. I know. We're, solid riffs. Oh, yeah. Juvenile sort of things. First date riffs. I know. We're just, you know, we're trying to be funny. Like, this is what happened when I was on antidepressants and I just couldn't come.

You know, I had to, like, make myself come and she was just a frustrated woman just jacking you off forever like Phantom Tollbooth. And, yeah, just me, you know, making some sort of joke or whatever about why I couldn't

and some sort of mean thing or some change inside. Just, oh, God, and five hours of apologizing with my, you know, blue balls. That sounds miserable. It's hard to have a lot of empathy when you're nuts or eating themselves, you know, from the whole Donner party happening with your sperm. Because it's basically what it's like. Okay.

Imagine if it was LAX on Christmas Day. Yeah. It's Black Friday down there. Snowed in. That's what your balls feel like. Okay, imagine if it was LAX on Christmas Day. Yeah, it's Black Friday down there. And then it just snowed in. That's what your balls feel like when you can't come. It's just raw humanity, just thousands of unborn children. It's Times Square on New Year's Eve. Yeah.

Yeah. And the younger children are the shittiest, but they're not even kids yet. They're sperm. These are rambunctious little types. I lost track of the metaphor. I was like, why are children coming into play? Then I came back to it. I came back to it.

Well, the children that I fuck. They love the Family Guy voice. No, they're into them. Do Elmo! Wow. They're usually pretty sleepy by the time the action starts. Don't tickle me there, Elmo. Don't fucking pickle me, Elmo.

That's an Elmo you can fuck. How about that? Pickle me, Elmo. Hey, I love pickles. Okay Elmo you can fuck How about that? Pickle me Elmo I love pickles Okay How do you feel about Elmo? But you understand in this metaphor Your dick isn't something long enough to become a pickle No, I'm focused on the pickles

Wait, you're pickling your dick? Just pickles Has anyone tried to do that? We're in these same pair of pajama bottoms for about 25 years So I feel like it's pretty pickled in there I said you're going to pickle your dick and you said, has anybody attempted to

pickle their dick inside of a vagina? No. That's a Mormon thing actually. They do this soaking thing. They don't consider it losing their virginity if they just stick it in and let it sit. What? It's called soaking. If there's no pumps? If there's no pumps,

it's not sex, yeah. I knew like a Mormon... What if you sneeze? That's my question. Then you come immediately. What a sweetheart. I got a cold. Pastor whatever they call him,

we were doing some innocent Mormon soaking and then we got raped by an earthquake. Yeah, guys. Look, the only place that we can really do this in town is the

abandoned pepper factory. I'm just saying, wear an Asian SARS mask. Wear this mask made of feathers. Oh, yeah. Those are pretty sneezy. Jocelyn Sharp is with us in the studio. Hi. Great to have you on the program.

It's been a long time coming. One of our favorites. Oh, well, I really wanted to come on and was really annoying about it. So thank you for... You were never annoying. Oh, well, I have terrible social anxiety. I'll fucking kill you. If you love social anxiety, we all enjoy your fucking company, you piece of shit.

Yeah, no, I'm real dark on the inside. It's going okay, though. It's going all right. But enough about your dating history. Wait, you're dark on the inside, but if you get that toilet brush for your asshole, you clean it out. That's how you get it pink on the inside again. The gay guy saxophone stick. Thank you very much. The gay guy saxophone

stick? Yeah. That's terrible branding, Connor. I like that you mentioned that no woman ever uses it. No, it's not for you. Okay? And that's what you brazillian understand. I know it's a new world, but there are some things for the guys that are just for us. Battle axes.

Saxophone butthole. Fucking cleaning device. Devices. So two very mean voice things happened when I got to this house. And it was such a mean voice fan moment for me. Tom Goss said, there's not usually this many grapefruits out here to me. Before hello. Before hello.

And then he brought me a battle axe. Yeah, we got him before we get into the joke. I'll shout that out. Our boy Jish, the guy who has the first ever Mean Boys tattoo, mailed us a battle axe. And he mailed it a long time ago. And then we finally got a follow-up message the other day that said, hey, did that axe ever work? It did not. Here's what happened is we saw the box.

We're like, who's Rogue Armor? And then we just left it there. Yeah, I he did not. Here's what happened is we saw the box like who's rogue armor. And then we just left it there. Yeah, I didn't really. I thought it was like something from one of the roommates, which means we live the kind of life where we had medieval weaponry sitting in a box for months and did not know. Yeah. Like it's an SD card you're going to get to eventually. But yeah, but we we open it up. It's super cool.

And within about 30 seconds, we went outside and start playing grapefruit baseball. Yeah. Which is why the third sentence Tom said to me was, sorry, I'm going to go wash it. And I was like, what? Yeah, there's a lot of residue grapefruit juice on it. I'm scrubbing it off. I got to do a deep clean, but I got— It smells like a 75-year-old breakfast outside.

It's all grapefruit juice. It smells like Grandpa's last meal out in the driveway. I love grapefruit, but I don't trust that tree. Well, no, because I got to figure that they grow with bees inside of them or something because they always just look shitty. Yeah. I've never seen it. Ramsey ate one once.

He said it was terrible. Yeah, of course. But does he like grapefruit? Well, I'm sure that Los Angeles runoff water feeding that tree isn't making delicious grapefruit. It's born of shit and demons. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like, how does this thing turn Dr. Pepper piss

into food? You know what? I'm going to eat one. I don't know how it does. I don't think that would really work great. I'm going to eat one, and if I die, I won't have another one.

It's like... That's a great point. If you've made a cake, but instead of water, you used hobo sweat, I bet it might not be the greatest cake, and that's kind of my logic with eating those. That's just so much hobo sweat. Oh, God. How much water do you put in a cake, but instead of water, you used hobo sweat, I bet it might not be the greatest cake. And that's kind of my logic with eating those. That's just so much hobo sweat.

How much water do you put in a cake? I mean, enough that if it was hobo sweat, you'd be mad. I thought it was milk that you put in the cake. I'm glad we have a woman on the show. Jocelyn, cake water, how much do you use? About a cup and a half. Is the kind of thing you people are supposed to know? Here's the thing, is that I'm actually like a huge Martha

Stewart, and I cook all the meals in my house and I'm a housewife. She's the N-word lady, right? I own my own business so I stay at home. Hang on. No, you're thinking of... That's Paula Deen. Martha Stewart went to prison for insider trading. Yeah, she's the N-word lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a white word. That's a white word crime. That's what that is. Martha Stewart. Insider training. Yeah. Oh, oh. Oh, insider.

Oh, I realize that seemed way worse. Yeah, I was like, okay, Keith. Insider is that black comedy website? It's the classier world star. Dude, Martha Stewart's fucking terrifying in real life. Is she really? It's like Darth fucking Vader. You feel a chill when you see this bitch.

Ooh, that satisfies me everything in her eyes just says i'm a billionaire and i don't give a fuck about you all right you don't get to have a little moment with me i don't give a shit all right i've got lemons to think about she's linen soft but prison hard i know she was i was at the trailers at the willis roast and it's like there's like the head of comedy central these big vicom people like barry katz is over there and you know these celebrities and shit every single one of them shit their pants and stopped talking as soon as she was near

and nothing happened until she was safely inside the trailer it wasn't spoken about or discussed it was just up best behavior there's Martha okay oh my god that's that's crazy ran into her I would I would not know who she was. I don't know what she looked like.

I imagine she's white. Right. Yeah. Wow, dude. Amazing deductive reasoning skills. You should give up comedy and become a mentalist. I am mental. I'm mental too much.

Yeah, so I ate all these mints and now I keep farting. The mental. I'm a mentalist. I'm a mentholist. I think I'm supposed to be on CBS now. All right, the mentholist, number one, Spearmint. Number two, Cinnamon. The Fresh. Number three, I was thinking of Altoids for those first two.

Oh, man, dude. Well, guys, we're all rocking and rolling, and I say it's probably time to get into the old Mexican joke-off. What do you say? Ay, so topical. Vroom, vroom. I'll take it away this week. A New York legislator said in an interview that he believes New York City Council is being secretly controlled by the homosexual community.

He singled out the leader of the secret gay mafia, the fairy godfather. That's fun. community. He singled out the leader of the secret gay mafia, the fairy godfather. An Instagram model was bitten on the ass by a pig. She commented, I knew I should have shoved those truffles up my butt. The joy in your eyes when you realized

you were about to get to talk about butt truffles. That was real. That's why when I'm looking for a boyfriend I put a Golden Girls Funko Pop in there. I'm waiting for one

of these West Hollywood queens to come sniff it out. Is that a Dorothy? You only made like 300 of those. I'll get my saxophone brush. Alright guys.

A winter storm killed 1,600 dairy cows in Washington. Thankfully, Keith Carey's father marked himself safe on Facebook. Your dad's a cow. That barely makes sense. Your dad's a female beast of burden. It wasn't my mom this time. That's great. Because she's too much of a whore to be a cow

she's more of a goat cow's fuck you know she eats trash uh she shits everywhere bulls are bulls are more whores are they than cow yeah yeah the the bulls are real yeah they they're real uh they're they'll play with your heart man man. Okay, what? How many bulls have you fought? Let me just zoom out here a little bit. Martha Stewart, no idea. Horniness levels of different animals. Tremendous amount of expertise. Expert.

Straight up detailed analysis. And with experience. Fucking barnyard Dr. Lawrence. You guys have never been chased by a cow? No, I haven't. What? Tom, I'm from Chino, California. Probably the number one place on earth to get chased by a cow.

Never happened to me. No, I'd say Wisconsin is because that's where it happened to me. Sure. I grew up next to a dairy farm and I've never been chased by a cow. Well, those are docile cows. They're all on drugs and shit. Now you're an expert on dairy cows too. I'm an expert on tranquilizers.

You know what just freaks me out that I just realized? What we do with cows, we pretty much turn them into like matrix batteries. Yeah, no, we do. Yeah. I'm an expert on tranquilizers. You know what just freaks me out that I just realized? What we do with cows, we pretty much turn them into, like, matrix batteries. Yeah, no, we do. Yeah. Them cows are barely cows. I'm talking about cows. Okay, well.

What the fuck? Why'd you raise your eyebrows like that? Cows. We're talking about cows, yo. We're talking about cows. Okay. We're just talking about cows. Yeah, I tried to, I tried to. Shut your mouth. I ran

and then I tried to jump over a gate that I thought was turned off. An electric gate. It was turned off the day before. I like that you did recon. I'm gone. Chicken run.

You got chased by a cow into an electric fence? It started chasing me. The cow was beginning to retreat when I tried to jump the fence, and then I was still freaked out, so I threw a stick. Did you throw out some sort of haunted bumpkin mad lip? I threw a stick

at the electric fence to see if it did the Jurassic Park thing. Here's the thing. That test don't work because nothing happened. Oh, sorry. My's the thing. That just don't work. Because nothing happened. Oh, sorry. My Netflix went off. That's what Tom calls it when he comes.

Y'all watch that again later. So I do the T-Rex test. Nothing happened. And then I grab the fence and then that part is accurate. You literally lived the beginning of a Rob Schneider movie where he becomes a dairy farmer. I've lived a lot of beginnings. I like that you thought, okay, here's what's going to set off the electric fence.

A piece of inorganic matter. It was the first thing that popped up. It was the only thing near me. I mean, it was at a rock. I'm going to get the sticks to better. You really don't understand a lot about electricity. You would have had to throw like a cat. Here's the good news.

After I got shocked. You should have just gotten in front of the cow and then jumped out of the way and let the cow get electrocuted. Yeah, well, the cow was starting to stop chasing me. I was still freaked out. You should have gotten the cow to chase you and then faked him out so he went into the fence. Which would have been pretty badass if he did. What I love is that we just accepted

that Tom was in a position where he was in an electric fenced area with a cow. And we asked no questions about how that happened. How did you get there? I walked. God damn it. Of course. Of course you walked. Of course you walked.

I was exploring a farm in Wisconsin. I thought, see here, I thought unicycle. But wow. Was I exploring. You were breaking and entering. I don't know about that. You were lost. Well, no, I wanted to hang out with the cows.

Well, no, I think I was looking for the... Yes. There's not a lot of people in that area. We wanted to get to know the cows. You know what? I was trying to find the horses, and then I saw the cows, and then I realized, oh, those aren't the horses, and then that's where the... Oh, of course, yeah.

You know, that happens to everybody. You know, you think they're horses, but then they're fat. Well, I wanted to see if I could... You know, people always... And also, you notice they're cows, and that's... I wanted to investigate for maybe... Investigate what? For future...

For maybe future cow tipping. Well, okay, you were casing the joint for some animal vandalism. Well, a girl, this is later. There's no girl in this story. No girl called up Tom Goss and said, do you want to go cow tipping? A couple years later. There's a lot of stories about having sex. None of them start, so he broke into the dairy.

These were not dairy cows. The beginning of the story about having sex, none of them start, so he broke into the dairy. These were not dairy cows. The beginning of the story about love or even holding hands. No, they were beef cattle. Beef cattle. Organic beef cattle. As opposed to the robot beef that we eat? No, as opposed to non-organic beef cattle. Okay, so yeah, these are no hormones or anything?

Yeah, yeah, they just eat grass and shit. Gotcha. So is this like peak cow tipping cows or something? No, yeah. They just eat grass and shit. Gotcha. So is this like peak cow tipping cows or something? No, I had no idea. See, a couple years later I went back there and then I met a girl who was like, you should come to school with me. I'm like, that's a weird thing. She asked if I wanted to hang out. She's like,

I'll take you cow tipping so people can do it. I think this was a dream. This does not sound real. I don't think you're very uppity about what kind of beef it was, but also you have the kind of brain where you got on the other side of an electric fence before you realized there was an electric fence. No, I was...

It's like you have a superpower where you can walk through walls as long as you don't understand what's happening. Well, no, because there was a slip in it that I just walked through in the fence where it was kind of broken down and stuff. And then so I walked through that. But then I got chased around the other side of the gate. So it wasn't open. And I was I was like 11.

I was all freaked out. You didn't just get high and watch that simple jack. I was like 11. I was real young. OK. Yeah. Yeah. I was too young to get high.

Well, you're never too young to get high, kids. But I was too young. You, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was too young to get high. Well, you're never too young to get high, kids. But I was too young. You guys ready for this one? Do black people also not do cow tipping? There's that one. That was the most genuine smile I've seen on you since I got here. I know. Anyway, the point is the cow.

I got bad taste. Cat didn't really give a shit. Now, the horses I was allergic to. I could not be is the cow. I got bad taste in it. Cat didn't really give a shit. Now, the horses I was allergic to. I could not be around the horse. I'm allergic to horses and electric fences. Well, that's how I find out if something's a horse. I smell it, and if I'm doing fine, good chance I'm not a horse. Horse or cat.

I met a lot of good dogs that way. Yeah, my eyes became so inflamed. They thought they were taking me to a doctor. But there's no doctor near there. Lost in the cow enclosure, electrocuting himself after testing it with a stick. I was a child, not a man. All right. Did you guys not enjoy my rosebud?

No, I loved it. It was great. Oh, my God. Okay. Great podcasting. What are you talking about? Bill Cosby's attorney was shocked when Bill reported that he thought prison was an amazing experience. Others are not shocked to hear that a rapist loves the Disneyland of rape.

Oh, man. What's the downtown Disney? Commissary? I think. That's Gen Pop. Yeah. A Kentucky man made headlines for catching a 20-pound goldfish. If you'd like to see a fat animal with strong swimming skills and a total lack of short-term memory, head over to TomGoss.com.

I wish I had that domain. That was so wistful. Oh, my God. Of all your regrets you could possibly have in your life, that's the one. A beagle is raising a baby possum after losing its puppies. Fortunately, the baby possums will only play dead. Okay. Because of dead dogs?

Yeah. The dogs are dead. And then I was like, I know, a possum. And that also plays dead. They thought at first they were dead horses. But after Tom smelled them thoroughly, they came to the conclusion. Here's how you know if a puppy is alive or not. You've got to throw a stick in its face.

And if it electrocutes you, then it's probably not a dog. Is that your test for everything? If there's still dough on the toothpick, it's not done yet. Welcome back to America's favorite game show, Is This a Horse? With Tom Goss. Alright, after 53 losing weeks in a row, I think

it's time for a comeback, Tom. Okay, guys, a Florida woman was arrested after beating her husband with a frozen pork chop. The man received medical attention on the scene and actually kind of worked out because they used a pork chop to reduce the swelling. The good Lord give it, then he take it away.

That's a Martha Stewart move right there. She wraps it in a sock and beats you with it and puts it on your eyes. But she puts an expertly wrapped sprig of rosemary on it first. And then she leans in close and says, no one's going to believe you. The fuck you going to do? Human rights defense leagues are urging Apple and Google to remove a Saudi government app that allows men to track the women that they own.

In response, R. Kelly said, is that Apple or Android? What, do they get them chipped like at the vet when you rescue a dog? Well, no, because in Saudi, a woman has to be sponsored by a man to do anything. So literally, men have to give them permission to go anywhere or do anything. And they have an app now that if you sponsor, because it's through the government, the government knows who your sponsor is. So now they can track the women that they own. Wait a second.

That doesn't sound fair. Well, Saudi's not famous for being fair. That's not their whole deal. The bit I'm imagining is even though The skateboard kids Are just trying to get sponsored You know In high school That they're Saudi Arabian women Like yeah

I'm just trying to You know I think if I could like Get some videos online I could get sponsored I'm a pro-am woman right now Like I'm not sponsored But like black labels

Float me shit Yeah I'm just Yeah it's been 12 years I'm just I'm really I'm getting close To being sponsored Sponsored mean

Does that Someone just gives you A sticker right Doesn't that They give you money too Yeah they pay for your travel And stuff I'm getting close to being sponsored. What does sponsored mean? Someone just gives you a sticker, right? They give you money, too. Yeah, they pay for your travel and stuff. Just to go skateboarding? Yeah. Is there an uprising?

Are there any burka bandits that are removing the trackers? Burka bandits. In this context, works, but sounds like the most racist shit I've ever heard. Seriously? Yeah, okay. Well, I don't mean it in a racist way. It sounds like a phrase that can only be preceded by the words camel fucking. I wish those ladies the best.

Yeah, I know there's a lot of women in Saudi Arabia who are like, we should be allowed to be people. Yeah, there's revolution stirrings. Good, I'm glad. You're just trying to get sponsored. Because I, yeah, for my joke, just because they have the most insane headlines, I always go to Fox News for my joke-offs. I've only read one article about Saudi women, and it was just them. They, like, rode a motorcycle to a place, and that's my knowledge of the subject. Well, if you're Fox News, how do you cover it?

You're like, we don't like brown people, but we also don't like women. But we do like motorcycles. Holy shit. All right. Reports have surfaced that crystal meth addiction is on the rise in North Korea. Said one citizen, what do we need teeth for anyway, to chew all of our no food? They're starving to death. He's the joke.

A 19-year-old missing an arm has designed himself an Iron Man arm. Robert Downey Jr. explained the real Iron Man arm is the one you can still use to shoot a black tar heroin. He's like, yeah, my veins over here. It's like the 405. You can't get anything done. In between my toes, that's the mock one. Wouldn't it be great if after The Last Avengers, he's finally out and then he just starts doing dope again?

He's like the grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine. He's like, ah, Malt. Fuck it. All right, guys. The FDA has approved ketamine for use in treatment-resistant depression patients. In response to the news, Neil Brennan's glasses grew somehow more transparent. This year, the Pope released a Pray With the Pope app, in which you will be alerted when communal prayers are happening at the Vatican.

To further revamp the church's image, next year they plan to release a copycat Tinder app that will alert priests when young boys who can keep a secret are in their area. It's called Tinder Garden. Oh, fuck! I'm so mad I didn't think of that! A new study has been released that lists the top ten unhealthiest cities in America. This list is entitled, Keith Carey's Upcoming Tour Dates. I'm going to just jump on that grenade. Donald Trump's childhood home is selling for $2.9 million. Wow, if he can surmount such meager beginnings, one day we can all be verified on Twitter.

Okay, so let's... One thing that I'm paying attention to. It's hard to get verified. Yeah, surmount? Surmount. That's a word. Yeah, no, I know it's a word. I don't think that's how you... Is it? What did you say? I said Surmount. That's a word. Yeah, no, I know it's a word. Yeah. I don't think that's how you...

Is it? What did you say? I said surmount. If we can surmount such meager beginnings. Well, that's just a way... He can. Yeah, 61-year-old... Had to be rescued after a house fire that was started over an argument about Cheez-Its.

The suspect is currently at large as he himself cheesed it shortly after the fire. God damn it. That's the best one. He took some of his own advice, which I respect. What a surmount. He really surmounted that arson charge.

Yeah, he really nailed the surmount. Universal Orlando now has a troll character that will fart glitter at amusement park guests. In similar news, glitter farting trolls

Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden will be performing at my show at the Stratosphere March 23rd. Glitter farting trolls Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden will be performing at my show at the Stratosphere March 23rd. Glitter farting trolls. God damn it. That's real fun.

I like that. I've got one more. This one sucks. A couple in Las Vegas held a Dunkin Donuts themed wedding complete with donut bouquets. Congrats to these two on being joined in holy fat trimony. I bet you wanted to do two Tom Goss jokes when you heard that one. It's a fat thing that happened in Las Vegas. I wanted to do two Tom Goss jokes when you heard that one.

It's a fat thing that happened in Las Vegas. I wanted to do a Jocelyn joke. I've got enough friends for me to get away with that. Everyone can get away with it. I enjoy a good fat joke. Come back. I'll write more. How great is Dunkin' Donuts? I don't like Dunkin' Donuts. We have Pink Box in Vegas. That's where you go get donuts.

Okay. Well, that really does sound like a stripper gram company. Yeah. All right. I mean, most of the boxes are kind of a light gray. Pink Box is like... What boxes have you been face-to-face with, Connor? Pink Box in Las Vegas.

Pink Box is like a loot crate, but for trafficked women. They mail a new one to your house every month. Ooh, Serbian. It comes in a stay fresh cooler. I like that we're calling it it. Well, they're not people once they've been purchased. Oh, shit.

For Saudi Arabia, it's enough for us. They're just more like ham that's always yelling. Right, right, right, right. Ah, Scream Ham. Scream Ham. That is 100% should be my wrestling name.

I love about Keith's old forum alias. Screamham. I like to be spooked out and porked out, man. A Jetstar passenger was slut-shamed for her outfit. Are we going more truffles? Jetstar passenger was slut-shamed for her outfit. The passenger's outrage will continue to rock her crop top made of giant cocks. Crop top made of dicks?

The cock top! That would actually look kind of cool. Yeah. It would probably be supportive. You'd look like a fucking Amazon. You'd look like you were wearing an unpainted suicide vest. You would look like you were in Mad Max, but like a really scary one. You would look like you were on the cover of a future Bikini Killed compilation release.

That's what you would look like. All right, guys. J.P. Morgan is set to launch the first official U.S. bank-backed cryptocurrency. For child pornographers, this is like when The Clash signed to CBS. You know, it's just not the same underground feel.

The integrity is gone. They're getting into the crypto game. And, you know, guys, you want to know what I think this means? I have no idea. God, because the answer

to that question was, no, no, we don't. Yeah, I don't really have any idea what that's going to do. Remember that week when you were real into crypto? It's interesting stuff. With all these things I get into, I'm more just interested in the culture of people around it. That makes sense, yeah.

Like their whole MO. Microcultures are so interesting because they really do exist outside of normal culture. Oh, yeah. They're a whole different world. I think normal culture. It's so funny because I don't think they know that nobody else cares. Yeah. I think normal culture is dissipating.

It's just becoming more and more subcultures. And there's more like. You have access to your micro culture. Right. For hours. Right. And so I think people are disconnected with the idea that no one can really connect to anything besides like J.P. Morgan advertisements. Like besides the things we all see all the time.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, this isn't a funny point. This is the Tom made a thing. Tom made a thing. Well, I'm a home vulture. Well, I've looked at this thought, and I've determined it is not a horse. Incorrect. Well, I'm not sneezing, so.

Are we going out of the lightning round? 30 seconds. Go, Tom. Horse or not? Hand. I'm sorry. You got owned there, buddy. The beautiful Tom Goss logic, man.

You got a little more empathy for the city. That's human logic. That's what we presented to them. That's what's beautiful about it is we have all been so cynical that we've disconnected from regular human logic. And you're just like still there. I know, but no one thinks I'm cynical. Do you have one more? I do, actually.

Tom should just in his life have to, you know when they make the trainee wear the big I'm new here button like King of the Hill? You should just have those but for Earth. You know? Yeah. Be patient. the big I'm new here button like King of the Hill? You should just have those, but for Earth. You know? Yeah. Be patient. I'm working on it. Water? I hardly know her.

A young boy survived for 40 minutes after being buried alive by an avalanche, which is now what I'll tell people to convince them to let me sit on their face. Do you ever go to sit on a guy's face and he goes, whoa, no, uh-oh? No, the particular type of men who usually let that happen to them have asked for it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a particular thing.

I have the opposite problem where I've been with bigger gals who I want them to sit on my face. I'm a big fan of getting my face sat on. They're like, I'm self-conscious. I'm definitely fatter than you. I'm not at all self-conscious about it. I will fuck any part of your body

with my flaps that you want. Yeah. I don't care. I always hurt myself. I will fuck any part of your body with my flaps that you want. Yeah. I don't care. I always hurt myself. I don't pick a roll. Any roll. You're playing three roll, Monty. Where's your card?

Is it in the thing between my elbow, or is it in the gun? Yeah, you ever bust one behind a knee? I've only recently developed the self-confidence To start asking to have my face hat on It's the best It's probably much easier than eating pussy the normal way Eating pussy the normal way You do deal with some crampage issues You know

I have pretty bad TMJ That I'm convinced is just for my diligence In the pussy eating arts Trademark Joe Yep That's when your jaw You know my jaw clicks when I open my mouth pussy eating arts. Trademark Joe? Yep. That's when my jaw clicks when I open my mouth. Like that? Yeah. It can give you terrible

migraines and back problems. It fucks with you. I think that's just from eating a lot of pussy in my Honda Fit, the world's smallest automobile, with me the gangiest man. That's why I eat food. i was just like

sort of like the cat in the hat jacking off in a submarine there was just no room for any of the shenanigans yeah even when someone tried to suck my dick in the car i'm like no i appreciate the effort knock it off i just leveled up now it's all even the more worse because i hate that woman now because of later events and i'm like my fuck i've done so many put so many city miles on my jaw making you come in parking lots and for what I did fuck one girl who in a car who was like 410 she's like the shortest person I've ever fucking like this is great because it's just like a studio apartment now like we don't have any of these issues it's her size yeah exactly you guys ever fucking a trunk no no no never, so. Do you think that's anal, or do you mean the part of the car? No, I mean we fucked in a trunk.

Like, okay, like of a car? Inner vagina in a trunk of a car. Or like you were being shipped cross-country on a steamship in the 30s. No, vaginal sex, trunk of car, no crates. You were both in the trunk? It's a Prius. It's different. It's a hatchback.

Oh, okay. That's not a trunk. Wait, do you want me to learn new words to explain how I fuck? No, I want you to know old words that are part of the human existence. To say you fucked in a trunk means you took up a golf club bag-sized amount of space while being the densest person I've ever met in my life. I've been in a lot of legit trunks drunk. I think you can fit another person in there.

That used to be my thing. You guys didn't know that? I never did that to you guys? No, but you were trunked around? I used to get hammered and be like, I'm taking the trunk. They'd be like, oh, please don't do that. I'm like, not your choice. And then I'd just jump in the trunk.

I never did redneck Scandia with you. I'm sorry. Who's Scandia? That's an amusement park. God damn it. Oh, my God. It's not an Italian guy that fucks in trunks, believe it or not. It sounds like a brand of pans.

All right. Italian guy that fucks in trunks, believe it or not. Sounds like a brand of pans. Well, that's it for the podcast. We'll be right back right after a word from our legitimate business sponsors right after this. Hey, everybody. Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. We'll be back to the episode you're listening to in just a minute. But we're here to try out a new game. Instead of sketches, we're doing something a little different this week.

This is a game I made called Sad Libs. And the way this works... Oh, okay, this will be fun. Yeah, it's basically, it's Mad Libs, but we're not doing Mad... Still different. Yeah, but we're putting them into something else. So what I'm going to do is I...

You know what I think? I think this was something we talked about when we were very first starting the podcast. This is like first 10 episodes, an idea we had. Yeah, this is like an idea we had way back in the day. Yeah, we're finally pulling the trigger on it. So I have two different ones. One's for Tom, one's for Connor.

Okay, cool. So what we're going to do here is I'm going to get the word selections from you, and then we'll come back at the next break, and we'll see what I was plugging you guys into. All right. This will be fun. So Tom, let's do... I'm excited. Yeah, let's do yours first, Tom.

All right. I need a city. Oh, get ready for a lot of counties. Moscow. Moscow. I need another city. Detroit. Tom's ready for SNL now.

All right. Moscow and Detroit. Sorry, this is going to. Tom's ready for SNL now. All right. Moscow and Detroit. Sorry, this is going to be hard to type. They're together. Now you know you're in trouble. Uh, Tom, can you do me a favor? Can you just write this shit down on your phone while you're talking? Yeah, I can. Or can you type it, actually, while he's talking?

Uh. Yeah, I can. Okay, sorry. It's just it's hard for me to type and. Sure, yeah, yeah. All right, so you're two cities. We've got Moscow and Detroit. Moscow and Detroit.

I need a verb. Verb. Ooh, thrusted. All right, so you're two cities. We've got Moscow and Detroit. Moscow and Detroit. I need a verb. Verb. Ooh, thrusted. Thrust. Thrust. All right, we've got thrust. Rocket parts and oppression. Oh, man, this is already, we're going to work out pretty good.

I need an article of clothing, Tom. Oh, mittens. Watch. It was about as stupid as watch. I need an animal, Tom. Oh, antelope. What's this glee coming from? I need a name for a group of animals.

Oh, school. Okay. All right. I need a group of people. Okay. Wicca. Oh a group of people. Okay. Wicca. Oh, that's a good one. Ooh, ooh.

A Taliban. All right. A Taliban of antelopes went to the store. All right. I need a body part. Ooh, ear. Ear. Didn't see that coming. Yep, yep.

I need another article of clothing. Okay. Condom. All out? Yep. I need an adjective. Is that the one that describes a noun and a verb? That's the one that describes a noun.

Professional writer. The one that describes a verb. What are you? That's an adverb. Yeah, I was about to say. Yeah, okay. Sexy? Sexy Sure

Okay I'm going to do a rare editorialization Pick something else Okay That's like what America does when someone tries to have an election You don't want to do that Actually, you know what? Leave sexy

Okay We'll leave sexy Then I need three verbs Okay I already did thrust Actually, you know what? Leave sexy. Okay. We'll leave sexy. Then I need three verbs. Okay. I already did thrust. Yep. You shouldn't do that more than once. Yeah.

Now, think about what are the... Jump. Okay. Jump. Okay. Jump. Fuck. Fuck.

Fucking is a... That's a verb. Yeah. Ignore. Jump fuck this animal. What was it? Ignore. Jump fucking ignore. Wow. Okay. All right. That jump-fucked this animal. What was it? Ignore. Jump-fucking-ignore.

Wow. Okay. All right. That's the whole Discovery Channel right there. All right. That's Tom's. All right. And now we'll get Connor's word selections.

Tommy, am I writing these ones down? Oh, I can write them down. Oh, yeah. Tom can write them down. That'll be funny seeing how he spells stuff. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

I need a place. Oh, okay. Keith's mother's pussy. Beautiful. I need a place. Oh, okay. Keith's mother's pussy. Beautiful. I need a verb. Stink. I need an adjective. Wait, are you supposed to keep them all on the same subject?

No. No, okay. Rancid. Okay. I'm really upset at what we're doing here. I need a structure. Abortion clinic. I'm picking cool answers, we're doing here. I need a structure. Abortion clinic. I'm picking cool answers, dude.

Yeah, man. I need an adjective. Oh, perpendicular. Why? Because I thought it'd be funny to see if you could spell that. Yeah. I have autocorrect. Let me know.

Are you ready? Yeah. Okay, I need a verb. Ooh. Jazzercise. I need a bodily function. Sweating. Okay.

I need a building. Fucking hut. I need a liquid. Sweat. I'll see if that turns into a fun callback. Sweat. I'll see if that turns into a fun callback. All right. From my verb. I need a noun.

Oh, dragon fruit. I guess. I don't know. I need another noun. That's what I call gay douchebags. Dragon fruit. And hearty gay guys. I love that.

I need a feminine noun, like a noun you would associate with women or feminine shit. Bad ideas. Opinion. Opinion. Yeah, I like opinion. All right. I need a body part.

Fucking elbow. Okay. And I need a verb. Calm. Beautiful. All right. Isn't it came need a verb. Come. Beautiful. All right. Isn't it came as a verb? No, come.

No, come. To come. To come. I come? Yeah. Therefore. Come is an action. Therefore I am.

Yes. Yeah. I thought it was came. Tom just finished doing mysteries online course. I come, therefore I is. All right. We'll see you at the other side of this with the thrilling conclusion to Sad Lips. The Motherfucking Mean Boys

is brought to you by Himalaya. Dun dun. What is it? Oh, God. Dun dun, Mr. Ear. Oh, he has a theme song now? Oh, I don't like this. Hey, the all. Hey, the all. You heard it here. Professional broadcaster Mr. Ear

says hey, the all. Well, I'm now live at the scene with the stupidest branded content character in a world where the Bud Knight is thriving. I'm professional ear, Mr. Ear. And I just want to let you know that Himalaya podcasting app is where I go for all of my podcasting needs. That's right, guys. It's a brand new podcasting app. It's got a great, easy-to-use interface. I love interface.

The best part of it is that all your favorite shows are already on there. So if you're tired of using podcasting apps that are just clogged down with bad programming and bloated adware. It's only the good ones. Features you don't use. Why not get a slick, efficient switchblade of an application to consume your favorite podcast? Oh, it's wonderful. your favorite podcast oh it's

wonderful yeah boys is on there you can go give us a follow you know you can like and comment on episodes in real time and you know maybe i don't know probably get some internet fame but when you get the the top comment on your your favorite new mean boys episode and look come over there now mean boys is making a weirdly uh noticeable impression on himalaya let me tell you how underground this app is the mean boys is the 18th most popular show. We're dunking on, like, I think we're dunking on some pretty big names. I think we beat My Favorite Murder on Himalaya. You know, guys, if we're edging out InfoWars,

you know that it's a really authentic Blink-182 back at Gilman Street kind of experiment. I love hearing how the Mean Boys are doing well in Himalaya, and you will, too. Would you go to Himalaya? Oh, dear. It seems Mr. Ear has wandered into a trap. Where should they go, Mr. Ear? Now, Tom, if you were going to download this app, which I bet you've definitely done.

Who's Tom? That's Mr. Ear. Mr. Ear, you jaunty bitch. Oh, yeah. So how would you get the app? Well, I would. Probably knock on my door and ask me to do it. I would follow my inner eardrum, go to the app downloading app.

The app store is what that's called. The one that's called apps. And then I'd go and type in Himalaya. How do you spell Himalaya? H-I-M-A-L-A-Y-A. Wow, you nailed it right there. Spelling is all a part of hearing. You nailed it, Mr. Ear, you dumb asshole.

Yeah, they got a playlist function coming soon. Oh, you can make playlists? It's there now. I made one of Tom's. Oh, yeah, Tom made a playlist of himself on the podcast that he hosts because that was productive. I love that you've started refusing to acknowledge Mr. Ear. Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Ear made some of his.

No, no, no. You're making the right call. No, Tom did it. Mr. Ear is telling you about Mr. Ear. He was just reporting the facts. Anyway, this is an ad we get paid to do. Yep. I got to tell you, the Noid ad we get paid to do. Yep. I gotta tell you,

the Noid made more sense in his role. Just some guy that hated pizza for no reason. It was a monster. Bring me the reasoned logic of a grimace over whatever we're doing here. I know very little about the Pep Boys, but I imagine they're pretty good mechanics. Mr. Eer, I don't know how he's

He hears things very well. And so he's gonna be like, yeah, Z's is about to go down. Like, I don't know how he's called. He hears things very well. And so he's going to be like, yeah, Z's is about to go down. What does he hear? Does he hear gossip and rumors? Noise. Noise. All right.

And noise can be interpreted however you want. And we interpret noise very well on the Mean Boys podcast. Who is leading on Himalaya? Yeah, well, avoid the noise and embrace the noise over at Himalaya Podcasting app. Download it. That's the end of the ad. Download the app. Follow us.

Hello, and welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. Now, a lot of times people are like, Tom, say more words in the form of a game. And that's what we're doing here tonight. We're playing another round of Tom Tom Party. Yeah, yeah. Are you guys ready? I am excited. It's been a while. Yeah, if you are new to the podcast,

what Tom Tom Party is, is it's like lightning round, which is when people shout things at me and then I respond. You're giving the least information. Don't figure it out. So many words. But now we're doing it in a Jeopardy format.

Tom gives his description of a thing. We have to figure out what the fuck he's talking about. As is tradition. How do you ever order at a fast food place? Could I politely? Oh, I would like one of the meats that is in the house made of the bread. I would like one of your hot bird burgers, please. With a sign, a squiggly tots.

I would like one potato. Turn to the many. And a used toto-be-drug soda. Please. Have it take a spicy bath until it is crispalicious. Shake a lot of milk and pour it in a cup. You guys ready for your categories?

Yeah. Your categories are sea life, Valentine's Day, hands, and prison. I'm calling right now the first one for hands, horse. We buzz in by yelling bear cum. Yeah, we say bear cum, and it says Jocelyn is the guest.

She gets to lead things off. I pick sea life for 100. Sea life for 100. Swim rocks. Bear cum. What is a mollusk? No. Bear cum.

Coral? No. Bear cum. Crabs. No. Sea turtles. Sea turtles. All right. All right.

Infuriating. Jocelyn. I will take Valentine's Day for $100. Okay. Oopsie whoopee. Oh, bear cum. When you accidentally put it in her butt when you're doing doggy and you're trying to get it into the pussy. No, but I want to give you partial credit because that's funny.

Bear cum. Unplanned pregnancy. Correct. Valentine's Day for $200. Valentine's Day for $200 Valentine's Day for 200. I love that you write it out in a notebook and then just hold it up. He holds it up for us. It's the best.

Anyway, continue. All right. Shooting Baby. Bear Cum. Cupid. No. Bear Cum. Cumming.

Correct! All right. 200 points for me. You know what? What the hell? Valentine 200 points for me. You know what? What the hell? Valentine's Day for three. Valentine's Day for 300. Oh, that was for hands.

I don't like this little... I don't like this announcing voice. He does that voice whenever he has to do a legitimate business act. That's stalling! Which makes you sound more crazy. It makes you sound like the only primal word dance the only grown-up you've ever talked to is mr poetry no what was the clue uh primal word dance bear come songs no bear come i love you.

Tom acted like you accidentally said you loved him, like legitimately. You've never heard those words will send Tom back to his dimension. Electric cows and fences that have tails. The correct answer was flirting. Oh. Oh, that's pretty good. These are actually really, we're wrong here. Exactly. All right, Valentine's Day for 400.

Valentine's Day for 400400. Valentine's Day for $400. The Bad Squat. Hang on. For Valentine's Day. The Bad Squat. I don't know why I'm pretending to squat like it's going to help me. Bear Cum? Cowgirl?

No. Bear Cum. Reverse Cowgirl? No. The Bad Squat. It has nothing to do with No. That one is tricky. Bad squat. It has nothing to do with sex. Reverse cowgirl is the best, though. I don't think I've ever had a good reverse cowgirl.

I enjoy it. It's just the aesthetic. I have no idea. I can't even call bear cum on this. I keep my cow standard. I can't even call bear cum on this. Okay. Nothing.

All right. This one was a hard one. It was proposing slash engagement. All right. Okay. All right. That's a good one. Yeah. I like that one. All right. Valentine's Day for five. Valentine's a good one. I like that one.

Valentine's Day for 500. Valentine's Day for 500. Closing it out. I promise you see bad. Say that again? I promise you see bad. Beer goggles. No.

What kind of Valentine's Days do you have? Very good ones. I promise you see bad. Tom thinks that Sinbad is a mermaid. What kind of Valentine's Days do you have? Very good ones. I promise you see bad. Mm-hmm. No, Tom thinks that Sinbad is a mermaid. And he's talking about, I think, marrying her. Oh, God. What the fuck?

Cheating? No. Okay. Dude, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. These are some deep cuts. You guys all surrender? It was love at first sight. Oh. Yeah.

All right. It's Stella Conner's court. You guys ever have love at first sight? Oh, no. What a bad fucking move. Oh, it sucked so bad. I've never had it. One of the worst times to have love is at first sight.

Dude, Spadu Ballet is full of shit. Or is it Spado? Spandau. Spandau? Yeah. Spandex. Spandau? Yeah. Spandex ballet is also weird. Spandex balloon. Hey, fucking spatula buffet is a bunch of whores.

You ask me. All right. I'm going to go hands for 100. Hands for 100. The that one. Bearcum pointer finger. Correct. I got to figure I know what the other four are. Bear cum. Pointer finger. Correct.

I gotta figure I know what the other four are. Hands for 200. Hands for 200. Music hands. What? Bear cum. Conducting? No.

Music hands. Bear cum. Playing the guitar? No. Bear cum. Armpit f guitar? No. Bearcum. Armpit farts? No. Clapping.

Oh. All right. All right. I guess. Well, you're not wrong, but I'll say shut up. You can't really get that mad. No. Because you're like, well, I chose to play the game. By virtue of doing that, I lost.

Right. You lose the minute you start trying to figure it out seriously and then get mad when you can't. Let's go hands for three. Hands for 300. Flesh rocks. Bear cum. Knuckles? Bear cum.

I know it. Bones, but knuckles work. Okay. Yeah. I'll give you the points. How are bones flesh? Explain to me how bones, the things that are the bones, are the flesh. The rocks are in the flesh.

No, no, no. They're inside of it. The flesh is like a series of stickers you put over the bone. They keep up the flesh. They're not flesh. No, I'm not saying they are. Listen with your ears, not your heart. That's how you play Tom Tomperdy.

Listen with your ears and not your heart. Or your mind. Fucking 400 for hands. Why would you guys ever give me power? Inside. Well, I don't know. We threw a stick at you and you seemed done. Inside hands.

Oh, bear cum? Fingering? Fisting. But points. This feels like it should be bones. Inside hands? Five. Let's close it out.

Question hands. Oh. Bear cum. Raising your hand? No, but not a bad guess. No need for consolation advice. Bear cum. Scratching your head?

No. Okay. Question hands. Bear cum. Scratching your head? No. Okay. Question hands. Bear cum. Stealing? No, it was hook hands. Oh, because they look like question marks. God damn it.

Fuck you. Prison for 100. Aggressive dance party. Uh-oh. Bear cum. Bear cum. Oh, rape. No. Whatressive dance party. Uh-oh. Bearcum. Bearcum. Oh, rape. No.

What? Bearcum. Riot. Correct. Yes, finally. Well, what do you do during a riot? I feel like I should get some points. Jocelyn.

Prison for 200. Prison for 200. No, you're the bottom. Bearcum. Rape. No. Bearcum. Bunk beds. Correct. Yes. No, you're the bottom Bear cum, rape No Bear cum, bunk beds Correct

Alright, prison for three Location love Bear cum, rape No Bear cum, the shower? No, you guys are both close, but I have no idea I tap out

Just consensual prison sex. Oh, fuck you. I was going to say conjugal visit. They consent. All right. They be consenting. All right. Who is it?

Prison for four. Wait, did you have the board? I had the board. Prison for three, I think we're at. It would be four. Oh, wait. Did you have the board? I had the board. Oh, yeah. Prison for three, I think we're at. It would be four. Four. Then prison for four.

Okay. Two birds with one bone. I mean, I'm not even going to guess. Right? Two birds with one bone? Oh. Two birds with one bone. Now, we already know that Tom thinks bones are flesh.

Two birds with one skin. I'm going to flesh. Which makes two birds with one skin. I'm going to say fried chicken. Two birds with one bone. I genuinely fucking. I don't know. Bear cum. Hanging yourself in the cell? No.

Bear cum a shank? No. I got nothing. Okay, it was shower rape. I don't get it. You get clean and you get raped. Oh. Hang on.

Silly me. I like that we said raping and he said get raped. You're like, well, I got two things on my to-do list today. Take a shower, get raped, and we'll roll out of hot water. Oh, my God. Okay. Prison for five. Why is an old guy?

What did you say? Bear come. Morgan Freeman. Correct. Son of a bitch. Shit. That's a really good one. Sea life for 200.

Sea life for 200. I'm going to double Tom pretty good. I don't... And I don't have the organizers. I say words sometimes. You say $200? Yes, please. Airfish.

Airfish. There come... Bird? No. Don't act like it's insane that that might have been it. He looked at you like you were so dumb. Like, you son of a bitch. Dolphin?

Correct. Dolphin or whale. Or whale. And they have to breathe. Yeah, that's what I assumed it was. And they jump. Jump around. Dolphins love House of Pain.

You're bored. Bear Comfort 3. No, Sea Life. Who gives a shit for just doing one? Omega Jugglers. Bear Comfort. Octopus. Correct.

What's Omega? They can juggle a bunch of stuff. Oh, okay. They got eight arms and legs and hands. There's four and five. I'll take four. He's taking four. Water shuriken.

Bear cup. Starfish. Points. Damn it. Fucking knew it. Back in this game. There's one left. I'm five.

Yeah, but you still got to say it. There's listeners. They need to know. See you later for five. Now you're caught up, buddies. Aquatic burglars. Aquatic burglars. Oh, bear love.

Bear con. Bear love. Bear love. Bear love is that sore word about the raptor. Bear love is how you get bear cum. First comes bear love. Then comes bear marriage. When I was in fifth grade, I thought I was a bear.

Scuba divers. No. Aquatic burglars. Bear cum. Fishermen. No. That was good. Yeah.

You guys are close. Oh, bear cum. Fishing net? No. Pirates. Oh. They are life that lives out on the sea. I was thinking like James Cameron taking the paintings out of the Titanic.

And Tom, for some reason, having an issue with this. Yeah, he didn't paint them. Just cheese it. It's the aqua fuzz. All right. Are you guys ready for your final solution? Yeah. I don't know if it's not being funny.

All right. We should say to the new listeners, that's based off what Tom thought it was called. Yeah. Because he only can hold six phrases in his head. And he's got a lot of Holocaust ones, and he tends to just apply them to other things. Yeah, I've seen documentaries.

Yeah, he's like the first generation Furby. He knows 12 words. And only the permutations of those. What's it called when you go to school in the summertime because you're dumb? Concentration camp? Is that a horse? All right.

The category is holidays. Okay. All right. How much you guys all wager? All of it. All of it. No one keeps score. Okay.

Wait. All of it but $1. Well, no. The buddies. All of it but $2. The buddies listening at home want to know what you guys' points. Stop calling them the buddies right dollar. Well, no. The buddies. All of it but two dollars. The buddies listening at home want to know what your guys' points.

Stop calling them the buddies right now. The pig buddies. Respect the buddies. They're the ones they pay your fucking bills. No, I like them but we never call them that.

What are your guys' good scores? You're not friends with the people that like the show? Jocelyn, back me up. Keith's being a little childish right now.

What is happening right now? A lot of stuff and most of it is your scores. I generally clock out of the conversation when white men start yelling at me. Unless you want to feel some of these flesh rocks. I clock out regardless.

I wager $900. Okay. I have 600 points and I wager $597. Okay. Kept score? Yeah. I got two questions right, Keith. I wager all of it. Which is? 600. 600. Oh? Yeah. I got two questions right, Keith. I'm the fair boy. I wager all of it.

Which is? 600. 600. Oh, boy. All right. The hint is things weren't as good as we wanted. Wait, what was the category again? Holidays.

Things aren't as good as we wanted. Things weren't as good as we wanted. Things weren't as good as we wanted. Aren't, sorry, aren't as good. Things aren't as good as we wanted. Oh.'t as good as we wanted. Aren't, sorry, aren't as good. Things aren't as good as we wanted. Oh. Oh, fuck. All right, I got my answer.

Okay. Things aren't as good as we wanted. Oh, shit. All right. Yeah, can I have holidays? Can I show you mine? Yeah. For the July.

Okay. New Year's. Okay. I'm going to say, I genuinely have no idea. I think it's going to be a weird one. I'm going to say Arbor Day. Okay. I'm going to say... I genuinely have no idea. I think it's going to be a weird one. I'm going to say Arbor Day. Okay. Okay, well, I've clearly said a word you don't know.

It's Earth Day. Your face twitched like a computer that can't run this program. I'm just trying to do... Arbor, you know Sea Life was already finished. I thought you guys were all going to get it. Martin Luther King Day. Oh. Oh, that makes a ton of sense. Yeah. I thought you guys were all going to get it. Martin Luther King Day. Oh. Oh, that makes a ton of sense.

Yeah. I usually do. You just have to think. Fourth of July, or as I call it, White Martin Luther King Day. I did not expect to feel outsmarted by Tom Goss today.

Yeah, that's part of my charm. Yeah, yeah. I don't think you know what charm means. Yeah, it's those things you make wishes on. Oh, my God. And then you wear what charm means. Yeah, and it's those things you make wishes on. Oh, my God. And then you wear them as jewelry.

They're called dandelions, and I've told you that a number of times. Did you guys know that dandelions don't make good seasoning? All right, so the podcast will be right back after I get mad at Tom about that. We'll see you in a minute. And we're back with the thrilling conclusion of sad libs. So I went and punched you guys' answers in.

Tom, we'll do yours first. Okay. What you're going to be reading today, Mel Gibson left a notoriously racist and threatening voicemail for his ex-wife in which he shouts very angrily that he's furious that she got fake tits. Okay. So I've included a snippet of that, but we've put your sad lip changes in there. So why don't you go ahead and read that.

Should I shout it? Yeah, read it like you think Mel Gibson sounds, because I'm pretty sure you don't know. They're too big, and they look stupid. Stop doing that. They look like some Moscow bitch. They look like a Detroit whore and you go around thrusting around in your tight mittens and stuff.

You got it in public and it's fucking embarrassment to me. And it's a fucking embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking antelope in heat. If you get raped by a school of talibans, it'll be your fault. Alright? Because you provoked it you were provocatively

dressed all the time with your fake ear and you feel you have to show off in tight outfits and tight condoms you could see your ear from behind and that green thing today was enough. That's sexy. Okay? I don't like it. I want that woman. I don't want that woman. Why are you reading this like you're drunk? I don't believe you. I can't even really understand what you're saying. I don't know what I'm reading. I don't believe you.

You wrote many of them eight minutes ago. I don't believe you anymore. I don't jump you. I don't fuck you anymore i don't jump you i don't fuck you i don't ignore you okay it's funny to say i don't jump you like i don't fucking gang initiate you yeah mostly what that piece made me do is think about the taliban doing synchronized swimming implying they have a school where they get together and swim in the same direction it's cute it's amazing that we this has the uh the madeline's version is raped by a school of talibans and swim in the same direction. It's cute. It's amazing that this has the Madeline's version is

raped by a school of Taliban's and it's still less offensive than the real one. Yeah. That was a rough one. Go listen to the OG version. The remix was not great. It's gnarly. The original is pretty bad. Alright, Connor. What is mine? Yours is an excerpt from the manifesto written

by Elliot Rogers, the UC Santa Barbara shooter, in which he describes his perfect world where he puts all women in concentration camps. Well, I bet this won't be taken out of context in a future time. The first strike against women, yeesh, will to be quarantining them in Keith's mom's pussy. At these camps, the vast majority of the female population will be deliberately stinked to death. Wait, he wanted to kill women and call it a holocaust? Oh, yeah. Why didn't he?

I thought he was just like, why don't they give me some pussy, though? That's what I thought, too. I went and did a little digging, and I was like, oh, this is way worse. I know the incel guys call him St. Elliot, which is creepy. Yeah, I mean, he had some pretty bad ideas. Let's read on. That would be an efficient and rancid way to kill them all off. I would have an enormous abortion clinic just for myself.

This honestly sounds like it was just the regular manifesto. That's the thing. Where I could oversee the entire Keith's mom's pussy and perpendicularly watch them all die. If I can't have them, no one will. I'd imagine jazzercising to myself as I oversee this. What does it say in the original? Jacking off? I'd imagine thinking to myself.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know why I went jacking off instead of thinking. It does seem like a thing you do. It's kind of my move, too. It's like, oh, I'm thinking too much. I better jack off. No, you're thinking of jazzercising. Yes.

A few women will be sweared, however, for the sake of sweating. All the Keith-looking women will be kept alive so they can make perfume out of their back secretions. Ah, yes. You can't smell ambergris without fat amber. Yeah. Ambergris, but it's just amber that works at the kiosk. I brought a lawn chair so I don't have to stand while I sell cell phone accessories. I gotta wear special socks.

Yeah. These women will be kept in bread in secret huts. Where nobody, and I repeat, nobody will be out-pizzed by me. There they will artificially inseminated with sweat samples in order to produce dragon fruit. Which, that seems like what an incel would call babies. Yeah. These are my dragon fruits. Go breathe fire upon the scourge of women.

It implies your cock is a powerful monster. Yeah. Which I think is what all anybody that shoots a school ever wants to feel. Yeah. It's that they have a bachelor list above their nuts. Yeah. My dick has horns.

You will turn to stone if you try to suck my cock, which means you will get hard as shit. Yeah. Corey. I gave you Corey. Sexuality will completely cease to exist. Wow. This is kind of a bummer, this guy.

Yeah. He doesn't even want any way. He's like that guy from The Incredibles music. If I can't come, then no one will. That's 100% his... Yeah, he's doing some weird Ayn Rand, no one gets pussy. He's doing some sort of libertarian Sinestro thing with the very idea of orgasms

themselves. This guy's taking all of our balls and going home. Opinions will cease to exist. Well, I mean, that would actually probably happen. It would be a sad but admittedly quiet world you know i wouldn't say we're right about even most things but guys we're generally all on a similar page yeah you know we can get to common ground pretty quickly we'll figure it out you know uh there will no longer be any imprint of such concepts in the human elbow it is the

only way to come the world you want to come out the entire world Yeah, well that was sad Libs Yeah, wow, that was fun Yeah So yeah, back to the show guys And the Mean Boys podcast returns Take a look at your questions, voicemails, all that bullshit It's the Mean Boys Mailbag

It's the Mean Boys Mailbag Fuck everything, God is dead Send us an email or give us a call Yeah, it was a voicemail. 304-805-MEAN. 304-805-6326. Or send us something in the email. MeanBoysPodcast.gmail.com. Yeah.

What do we got in the bag today, Keith? We're recording this on Valentine's Day. And at AF Steve says, in the theme of the holiday, you have five minutes to plan a date. What do you do for a Black History Month theme date? Man, I'm Steve AF, bro. I'm so fucking Steve. You probably couldn't even handle it. Of all the Steves.

Every single thing I do is dripping with Steve. Nice. Hell yeah, I'm wearing a visor backwards. Maximum Steve. Frankly, I would describe myself as Steve Gulls. Steve Gulls. This is even funnier to me because my fiance's name is Steve. Oh, really?

Yeah. Nice. I mean, to be fair, marrying somebody that looks like you is Maximum Steve. It is Maximum Steve. Yeah, boy, you Steve as hell out there. It's like she's a girl, but she farts. That's like what Steve means. Yeah, 100%.

That is exactly what I am. I am a girl, but I fart. I just want a bitch that farts, you know? Yeah, it's just like a lady in the streets, but a fart in my butt. Total Steve. I want to do the lady in the tramp thing with a burrito and then fucking get under the covers of our trailer park and fart ourselves warm. Like some sort of ghetto-licious easy bake.

I call it the Reno space heater. That's so upsetting because I used to live in Reno. Of course you did. Of course I did. Of course I lived in Reno. Yeah, man. One time I farted under the covers with Jessica. It was so cold in the room, it was like I peed in a pool.

She felt it immediately. Yeah, and then she goes, huh. She lifts up the cover, and it was like the fart took a green lantern shape of a cartoon boxing glove on a spring and punched her in the nose, and she almost puked on my dick. She looked at the blanket and all those ghosts from the ark of the covenant and right as the last dark flew out oh yeah a whole mario level worth of villains just hit her in the fucking eyes your ass goblins my eyes stung after i lifted because it had fermented underneath the covers we've smelled this fart yeah i mean the one i dropped on nice boys was pretty next level jesus the worst thing i've ever smelled and i've smelled a dead. Yeah, I mean, the one I dropped on Nice Boys was pretty next level.

It's the worst thing I've ever smelled, and I've smelled a dead body. All right, so Black Friday, or no, not Black Friday. We're just going to skim over that one. Well, yeah, I've been near a dead body. I didn't go a clue. Did you poke it? I didn't start sniffing it. What?

Did you poke it? I mean, I touched it. It was a person I knew. Oh, I think I know this story. Yeah. So we're making a black person date? Here's my black history. What is it?

We go to the dog park with bacon in our pockets, and we take a walk. And after that, we open up the fire hydrant for the children to play. I'm confused about what, is it, we're taking a black person on a date, or we're doing a date in memory of the month of- I think a date memorializing the great black Americans that have fought for equality. It's like a theme date. Like if you were going to go on a disco date. Black history month.

I don't know what it is. I just know our reservations are at 8 and I'm picking you up at 9.30. Tom, have you ever been on a date with a theme? No. Is crying a theme? The theme is, are you okay yeah um i've done a few elaborate dates and it's always just like this fucking never worth it no it's never worth it well yeah

it's always like it's like you're too stressed out to enjoy whatever it is you're doing and i imagine if you're the girl and that you just got to be like cool like just keep giving constant validation yeah well i mean there was one time I... Every date you should just be talking about people you both don't like on a couch. That's the date. That's the best date. One time I took a girl on 12 dates but didn't make a move

because I didn't realize they were dates and then I dated somebody else. So I guess the theme to that was disappointment. 12 dates. We went on 12. 1.5 Hanukkah. I felt real bad when I realized that she actually liked me 1.5 Hanukkah I felt real bad when I realized

that she actually liked me afterwards Hanukkah and a half yeah I don't know what a black history month date theme would be

but I know that some white girl with uneven bangs would be tweeting me about it afterwards yeah oh we can get our hair done

black people have good hair I don't think I understand I don't think you understand a date that's why I don't think I understand I don't think you understand a date that's why or frankly black people I never said I did

alright I think we can move off of this I like the idea of moving on I think we all do okay guys it's time for some voicemails this one comes to us from I like the idea of moving on. Yeah. I think we all do. Okay, guys. It's time for some voicemails. This one comes to us from... Hey, what's up?

It's Steve again. How's it going? I got two weird questions for you. Well, maybe it's three. I'm not sure about the math on this. I'm not sure of the math on counting. You know, I got my six-year-old daughter. She's autistic.

Not technically my daughter, but she's still right in the pocket. Kid gets me. You know, I get my six-year-old daughter. She's autistic. Not technically my daughter, but she's still right in the pocket. Kid gets me, you know. I get her. We're good. She runs, well, not runs away. She just strolls away from home last night at like 9.30 in the rain. Oh, shit. To go find me at work because I'm still at work.

I'm at work. I've been at work. Like, I left the house at like 3.30 in the morning. It's, you know, 9, 9'm still at work. I'm at work. I've been at work. Like, I left the house at like 3.30 in the morning. It's, you know, 9, 9.30 at night. How do I handle that? Connor, I'm looking at you because you're autistic too, man. What's the answer? What do I do?

All right. Second thing, we just got a puppy. I like that I'm mom. So that question is, I lost my autistic daughter. What do I do? I'm not a good dad. Ha ha ha. Here's the funniest part.

I mean, here's step one. Don't call us. Also, the funniest part about this dilemma is this voicemail is 12 days old. She's long gone. Remember when we did that game last week about baby coffins? You know what you should do? Look for a football team. I would say watch some episodes. Radio. Remember when we did that game last week about baby coffins? You know what you should do? Look for a football team.

I would say watch some episodes. Radio. That happened once. Have you guys ever seen radio? I can't believe I didn't get that clear joke. They just go roaming and they're like, you seem slow and lost. Why are you running back? The first girl and the first that to play football. I actually know a

Saudi Arabian app that can help this guy. Look who came crawling back. Not so bad now. My favorite Saudi Arabian app, Naan Bread. Come on, guys. That's my appetite going. Same thing. It's the same thing.

I love Naan. How dare you? Naan is the best bread. I thing. It's the same thing. I love naan. How dare you? Naan is the best bread. I wasn't even making fun of it. I was saying it's good. Garlic naan? How dare you? I didn't say it.

I didn't besmirch your fucking bread. All right? You little bread boy. I don't understand why you have such a problem with Middle Eastern food. It's so good. I don't have it. I said I liked it. I said it was my favorite Saudi Arabian appetizer.

You have problems with baklava. Yeah. I don't think it's very good. It gets stuck in your teeth. Anyway, I hope you found your kid. The amount of teeth. Just wait until she gets into an argument about what color Jolly Rancher is the best or whatever the six-year-old equivalent of this is. No, where do I go when I leave the house at 9.30 at night?

Go see if she's buying a Diet Coke and thinking about killing herself. Because that's usually my move. Yeah, check the taco truck by her house. Look for her just looking into the middle distance, wondering why. All of it, why. Yeah, let's see if there's a corner booth at a diner where she's just scrolling, upsetting things in a notebook. No, I hope you found her.

I think by the fact that he left the voicemail means he found her. I assume he's not like, hey, a bit of a goof-em-up. Well, he said, how do I deal with this? As if he would eat her. You put butter on her feet so she's afraid to run away. That's what my parents did with me. What? That's what cats, they say if you put butter on their feet

they won't run away. Oh, yeah, I never heard that. Yeah, and you go put them on the outskirts of your house with butter on their feet, and then they, which, I don't know. This is insane bullshit. This is something that my neighbors told me. I don't know how you butter a cat. This sounds like one person got caught trying to cook a cat, and then just had to come up with

it. No, I'm training it. That's the ticket. Yeah. No, a guy just eats Alf is at the movies And he just pours butter On a bag With a dead cat in it

Is that Alf's deal I like to put my M&M's In the cat He's shaking that Jalapeno garlic shaker Stuff on it Yeah Diet starts tomorrow

My diet starts tomorrow It's Tomel Alf at the movies Everyone else is watching The karate get to He's just viciously Eating a raw cat. Yeah.

The last, they always get stuck to the box. They always bleed over your lap. You got to put some napkins on. Anybody want some of this cat? One thing, we just got a puppy. I mean, come on, throw me some creative names here, guys. Oh, for the puppy? Help me out.

Tom, we got the puppy to replace my daughter? Don't chew that. You can't call a dog, don't chew that. You can't call it, hey, don't piss there, please. You can't call it, hey, stop acting like Keith's mother and just sitting on the blanket. You should call the dog Keith's mom. Yeah should call the dog Keith's mom. We'll call it Keith's mom for sure.

Yeah, name the dog Keith's mom. Anyway. I have a pitch. Enjoy your evening or day or whatever the fuck time of the year is. Fuck everything. God is certainly dead. Why don't we picture this guy squatting in a crawl space on his cell phone smoking a cigarette?

Possibly too many edibles? Oh, that makes sense. Oh, shit, he ate a tire. I gotta go. Bye. That dog's name is Keith's mom. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. Here's what you do. Shout out to the buffoon from the lagoon.

Oh, is that the buffoon? Yeah, the buffoon from the lagoon. Man, the buffoon gets into adventures, man. He does, man. Because this same guy called us and was like, yeah, there was a hurricane in my town, so I got to go rescue my neighborhood with a chainsaw. And they did. He's always doing weird fan boat rescue ranger shit. Yeah, the buffoon fucking rules.

Tied the daughter to the dog. Ooh, not a bad solution, actually. Okay. I want you to make a master blaster out of two vulnerable pieces of light. Together they will grow strong. I want you to make a master blaster out of two vulnerable pieces of life. Together they will grow strong. Raise them as one. They'll always have a friend and get lost more difficult.

The Mongolian archers of the steppe were raised on horseback, much like this guy's six-year-old developmentally difficult dog. There we go. Yeah, you got to name that dog Keith's mom. For sure. And I'm not really taking... Or Tom's great. Keith's mom is way better. My mom works on so many levels.

It's disrespectful to name a dog after my mother. It's even more disrespectful to not name it and just call it Keith's mom on top of the dog story. Like, there's so many layers of life. And also, I like me. Tom's great. It just wasn't good. So we're not doing that one. Bafou, tell him, tell him, tell him. You know what to tell him.

Actually, that's a prerecorded message, so we can't really. We're not going to hit play again and he's going to talk to us. That's a computer and not a Ouija board. Press play. See what happens. All right. I'm going to press play. Hey, yeah, Tom, this is the Bafou. Press play. See what happens. All right, I'm going to press play. Hey, yeah, Tom, this is the buffoon again.

You're being a fucking idiot about this. I actually named the dog Keith's mom. You're doing a bit. Just press play. Am I doing a bit right now? Just press play. Hey, it's the buffoon again. I actually changed my daughter's name to Shut Up Tom.

Press play. See what happens. I'm telling you. It's Native American. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Wow. Brilliant.

It's actually not working. Hey, boys. Ah, you fell for it, you fucking idiots. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Oh, I thought you had a bit you were trying to do. What? Tom got lost in his own fucking

K-Hall. What are you doing? I think he was doing a bit, but then he forgot he was doing a bit. I think he forgot what the bit was. He just kind of threw confetti at it at the end and hoped it would work out. He thought something else was going to happen. No, you should think, no I didn't.

What a dumb shit. I was trying to be a team player and go along with Tommy. He pressed play. He fell for it. What an idiot. I don't know what this new anti-comedy thing we're doing is, but I can't say I care for it. All right, let's get going. Anyway, I hope you find your dog, man. He didn't lose his dog. comedy thing we're doing. Can't say I care for it. Anyway, I hope you find your dog, man.

He didn't lose his dog. Yeah, he lost his daughter, which is kind of a mean thing to say about her. I'd lost thoughts. Focus, whatever. I wish you knew the best, Mr. Buffoon. Mr. Buffoon. Mr. Buffoon is his father.

This is Alex Jones, and I've got some interesting information to report to you and your loyal listeners. My loyal listeners, let's be real here. As you may remember from a couple months ago, I was banned from nearly every social media platform. We're talking Facebook. We're talking Twitter. We're talking MySpace, YouTube, Instagram, Friendster. I even got banned from LinkedIn, goddammit.

And, uh... And, uh... The only... The only option left to me was, uh... This guy overestimated his ability to do the voice. Yeah. Website, uh, that used to be, uh... Used to be a, I thought it was just for porn, but this place called Tumblr. And a couple of weeks ago, well, I stopped being able to jack off there. And as I began to read what else was around, I have some disturbing news for you, InfoWars Nation,

because the government wants to create, the government wants a list of what's in your genitals, what the genitals in your pants are. I don't want the government knowing what's in my pants. It's inappropriate. It's wrong. So my advice to you in Full Wars Nation is to oppose this with everything you have available. Don't let the government know what's inside your pants. Alex Jones is like all right Grover, right?

Here's what I love about it. What did you think was going to happen? I'll tell you exactly what happened. This guy was like, my friends say I do a pretty good Alex Jones. I'm going to do an Alex Jones on the Mean Boys voicemail. He made the call. He got 30 seconds in and he realized I'm not going to be able to land this. But then he's like, I can't

stop because the voicemail is going to happen. So I got to just keep going and find an end point. You hear the voice get less confident as he realizes how funny he is. Look, I respect commitment. That's why I've been committed to so many places. So I give this man props. Honestly, not a bad Alex Jones impression. Didn't really go anywhere, but I do like Tumblr.

It was funny. Okay. This one I think is about the podcast we did together with Adam Keith, so maybe this will be fun. This is Danny from Long Island again. I got a little crossover with you guys at Numpops. Just got done listening to Adam and Connor's podcast on the Montauk Project and found it really interesting because back in the day when I was in high school

and I was in 12th grade, all of us had to do a book report. This one dude stands up and says, I have a certain book that I want to go over. It's about the Montauk Project. Pause real quick. And it's written by Danny. This is not the episode I was on. What is the Montauk Project? I don't remember.

I think it was a chair that you sat in that you could think things into being This is not the episode I was on. What is the Montauk Project? I don't remember. I think it was a chair that you sat in that you could think things into being real. That's where the beginning of Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind starts. That's the city, yeah. Okay, well, yeah, it's like a government MKUltra type thing where they make some sort of chair that conducts super brain powers. Okay. Some dumb shit like that. Dad, I'm sitting there going, not my dad.

And he looks at my friend that I've known. Hashtag not my dad. He's in elementary school, Danny Swerdlow. And this book was written by his father, Stuart Swerdlow, all about the Montauk Project, all about how he's seen aliens, he's been there, dealt with aliens within the Montauk project all about how he's seen aliens. He's been there, dealt with aliens within the Montauk air force base and shit like that. I just figured it was the fucking weirdest thing to fucking hear that back in the day. And then all of a sudden fucking almost 15 years later,

I'm listening to a podcast, Connor and Adam talking about it. Not that weird. I just want to put you up on and Adam talking about it. Not that weird. I just want to put you up on that. And also, by the way, if you actually go out to that Montauk Air Force Base, it is not closed down. You step about two feet past that fence,

and in about 15 seconds, three black jeeps will roll up onto you real fast. And then a cow will chase you. Three black jeeps roll up and they start shooting a music video. And they're flexing in the forest. Well, obviously he doesn't know if you just throw

a stick at the fence you can find the weak point. Well, thanks for that call. Yeah, that was fun. Did he just leave you a voicemail that you guys

talked about something my dad told me about? Pretty much, yeah. On a different podcast. Yeah, we got another one, excuse me, about a lady shitting outside, if we want to do that. Yeah, that's my second favorite place to shit. Bring it home, yeah.

What's number one? What's the third? No, what's the third? I think this is all the voices. Okay, no, it goes bathroom, outside, aquarium. Three favorite places. Wait, inside the aquarium, or at the public restroom at an aquarium?

Anywhere in the aquarium. I like the idea that Tom is just shitting those little dandruff flakes. Shitting near water is awesome. Every time Tom takes his pants down, a bunch of fish just swirl at the top of the tank. It's time for bad lunch. Now there's a lot

of stuff floating in there. Poison those animals. It would be a power move to dump in a fish tank. That's a power move. Sea life loves shit. They eat a ton of shit. One time, last time I was in an aquarium, this otter was doing barrel rolls, so I started filming it and playing Limp Bizkit.

Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. And then it shit a bunch, and then nine fish ran up and ate all of the shit. That's the Mean Boys podcast this week. Wow. Dude, otters, man. You know what that reminds me of? Stand-up comedy. All right.

Let's see what's happening here. No way this is good. I just saw this woman who was waiting for a bus squat and take a shit on the sidewalk. Hell yeah. Like right as I was driving by. That was crazy. That's not even why I was going to call you but I just saw that shit happen like like five minutes ago that's crazy

what's up mean boys this is Big Mother Trucker calling in from the big shitty mitten state god damn it I am freezing my ass off this week fucking hate this place the real reason I was going to call you was because I got a story for Keith and Tom my boys my large boys in charge. You know, I'm a big, fat dude.

My large boys. And I've been a fan of the show for a really long time, and I love hearing about Tom and Keith's various chubby shenanigans and all that. So this is the fattest thing that has ever happened to me. It was a very, very recent story that's happened to me in the fall sometimes, but relatively recent. So it's a Friday afternoon. I want to get myself a pizza because my girlfriend is not going to be around

and I had just gotten paid. So whenever she works and I have to fend for myself on paydays, I usually go for shitty pizza because she doesn't like the same pizza I like. I walk out of Little Caesars after just having ordered a large, deep dish, meat lovers, stuffed crust pizza. Now how many fat adjectives can you get into one food story? That was an entire fridge worth of fat details.

Little Caesars, meat blasted, flavor encrusted. Stuffed crust, nacho range, cool whip. Is this a new Little Caesars meat blasted flavor and crusty. Keith Upshurst nacho ranch cool whip. Is this a new Little Caesars commercial? Pizza Palooza. Yeah, we're doing a really just deep state sponsor. That's a rude thing to call it because there's no way anyone ordered that is going to have enough wind in their fucking lungs to say the whole name. It's like whoever put the letter S in the word lisp. Like it's just cruel for no reason.

I do like that he called you guys the large boys, though. Also, Chubby Shenanigans sounds like an amazing blues musician. We used to go to the Red Fox Casino and watch Chubby Shenanigans. Everybody was playing Chubby Shenanigans on the piano.

Husky Hijinks playing the bass. I'm playing Husky Hijinks. Well,. I'm playing a husky hijink. Well, we have a broadcast. Rotund malarkey. Yeah. On the tambourine. And fatty crimes holding it down on the drums. Fatty crimes.

Let's listen onward. Wow. By the way, really spitting quite a yarn here. Yeah. This is what I love about most Mean Boys stories. This one maybe will go differently. Hey, guys. It's thick Jim out from the cold place. There will be like 40 minutes.

So I went to get the pizza from the place where they provide the pizzas that I enjoy. My wife was not present, and I got a pepperoni. Anyway, I saw a kid get hit by a car or something. I don't remember. They have no details on the interesting part. But I could tell you where each pepperoni was located in relation to the centered axis of the pizza. What's the guy that wrote the cold

6,000 in LA Confidential? It's like him doing a whole it's like if he described being a fat guy. You know, where it's just... Anyway, let's follow up on this pizza. Yeah. So I gotta wait for that.

So I'm walking back to my truck so I can sit and not be cold. Oh, that's why they call him the mother trucker. And I look across the street, and right across the street from this little Caesar's, there's a Walgreens. And I'm thinking, oh, shit. Why is that Walgreens making me feel like I forgot to do something? I feel like there was something I was supposed to do at Walgreens. Oh, shit. That's right.

I am so fat that in my mid-20s already this fall, I now have to start taking blood pressure medication. So I just realized that like a week previous, I had ordered a prescription in for blood pressure medication that I was supposed to start taking like that day. I'm like, oh, shit. Yeah, I should probably start taking that. That sounds pretty fucking important. So I go over there, and I get the prescription, and I put it on the passenger seat of my truck, and I walk back in, and I grab the big, shitty, greasy pizza that I'm about to eat, and I have to scooch the prescription over towards the center console, and I drove all the way home looking at the pizza sitting next to the heart medication,

and I went home and felt bad and ate an entire pizza and a whole thing of cheese bread. And it was real fucking sad. I was like, yo, I need to start making some fucking changes in my life. Anywho, there's your little stay in school, don't be fat like me story for today. I've been a fan of the show for a real long time. Shout out to my man, future world class porn star, Dick Shotwell, for hooking me up with the show. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for, here's, look. Thanks, man. I'm glad you dig the show. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for...

Thanks, man. I'm glad you dig the show. Yeah, next time you're in that situation... He left a quick follow-up. Big Mother Trucker again. I got cut off. Yeah, also, congrats on getting John DiMaggio. That guy's fucking awesome.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Indeed. Thank you, buddy. Worth doubling back to. Here's how you kill two birds with one bone there. Take the heart pressure medicine. Put it in the pizza. Yeah, you grind it up

and you sprinkle it on top of the pizza like fucking save you Parmesan. Save you Parmesan. You gotta treat yourself like your own dog. Yeah, roll it up in a piece of cheese. Be your own dog. That's self-help. You're not using that pizza, you're an asshole.

Put the slices of pizza in a bowl and bury the pills in the middle so that as you start to scarf it down, the pills just get sucked in. That's how I take my birth control. You've got to eat

a whole pizza before you get raw dogged. I pay a fat prostitute to put the pill in her pussy and then she sits on my face and dispenses it to me.

Like a dirty pez. Yeah, exactly. Like a pez dispenser if it ate all the pez. Oh, man. A a Pez dispenser if it ate all the Pez. Oh, man. A Pez dispenser. A Pez dispenser. My name's Pez dispenser, and I play bass in Suzy and the Banshees.

My biggest inspiration was chubby shenanigans. There's nothing wrong with being fat, but if it's affecting your blood pressure, you should look at it just losing a little bit of weight. Just so where, you know, because that shit will fuck you up, you know, high blood pressure. It will be hard for you to look into it because you can't move your neck downwards. And that is generally where written information goes, is below the neckline. Just get your laptop, put it where your lap should theoretically be. And then really anything is a lap if you get fat enough. Put your laptop on the pile of snacks that you have, I assume.

And then do your best to- Open your laptop and the pizza next to each other and study both very intently. Get a fork and then type with the fork because you can't with your fingers. That's my typing fork. Well, no, the typing fork goes on the far, far left. Next to the salad fork. Or as I call it, the typing fork goes on the far, far left. Next to the salad fork. Or as I call it, the trash fork. The horrid fork.

The rules of fat shit had to get going and followed. Salad fork, garbage can. Typing fork, left. Cat butter, center of the table. Scratch and spatula. Various sneaky pizza pills in a basket for guests to enjoy at their own leisure.

And the EpiPen you keep behind your ear like a pencil. I can't help but thinking that cat butter sounds like a Tom Tom pretty clue for a yeast infection. Cat butter? Hell yeah. Air five. Damn, Jaws, thanks for coming by the show. Oh my God, thanks for having me.

It was super fun. What do you got to plug? Well, The Filth Factory is my new monthly show at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. Go to that if you live in Vegas. Yeah, it's a free show. It's $20 all you can drink. Jaws has great taste. Yeah, we're doing it.

For $20 you can drink all of it? All you can drink. That's all you can drink. Oh, it's the fuck accepted. For a two hour show and it's great. Comedians every single time. I'm bringing Connor and Keith out, March 23rd. I don't know when this comes out, but February 23rd, it'll be Jessa Reed and Aaron Woodall.

Oh, wonderful. And then a lot of the time, I headline it. A lot of the time, I bring people in from out of town. There's theme shows. I do something weird and different every month, but it's always dirty, and it's always crazy. Always great to get to do a show where it's dirty is the advertisement. Yeah. A lot of times, people show up to Valentine's,

let's just say Valentine's Day Eve at, I don't know, the Madhouse in, let's say, hypothetically San Diego and then there's a man yelling at them

about his sexual impetus and things in his ass and they're like, oh, well this isn't exactly what I wanted over my artistic burger. Dude. Yeah.

So a show where you're just like, yeah, you're going to hear a lot about pussy cheese. We raffled off realistic dick cookies at the last one. Wow. Yeah. So we do all kinds of weird shit. It's a fun show.

And you can go to JoslynSharp.com and you can reserve your seats there for Connor and Keith's show now. They're open. Reservations are open. Now, a lot of you plebeians are out there eating cartoon dick cookies. Frankly, fucking children. Yes. At that point, why don't you just eat a gun?

Why don't you grow the fuck up and get a big boy dick cookie? I'm engaged now. I'm a real woman, so I have to eat realistic dick cookies. I need artisanal dick cookies. You're engaged in a lawsuit with Nabisco. With a sexual bakery located in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

These cookies are so real. I'm reading in your own words here, genius theft, which is a crime that you've invented and drawn up some very strict punishments for, including dragon rape and sky bees. No, for real. Shout out to at Milo's cookies. I'll show you. She makes realistic Nike cookies. These cookies are so realistic to dick.

People are losing their dicks now. They're just getting chopped off. They're real. I don't know what that means, but I agree with you. Yeah, sure. Why not? The Mean Boys, we're going to be doing a live Mean Boys podcast February 22nd. That's the Friday after this comes out at 730.

730. 730 in the brick room. We've sold a pretty hilariously small amount of tickets so far. So if you're in San Diego, maybe grab those while you can. And again, we thought, look, the first time we went to San Diego was a fluke. But it seems as though maybe nobody gives a shit. What are you doing? You guys show up when we do stand-up out there.

Yeah, we see people all the time. We're doing the podcast. That's a live podcast. If you're sitting there going, we've seen your stand-up. No, we're doing the podcast down there. Yeah, it'll actually be funny, we swear. Yeah, yeah, it'll be great. So come to that.

We got the tour dates are all up. We're going all over the place. You guys already know. Meanboyspodcast.com is where you go to get tickets for that shit. I'm going to

Jocelyn Sharp's hometown of Reno, Nevada in March. Man, I'm pumped. I'm fucking pumped up. I hope you got your meth vaccine. The 14th through the 16th. God, can't wait.

It's going to fucking rock. You will be able to finger a lot of chicks with uneven bangs in that town, though. Oh, that sounds good. It's going to fucking rock. You will be able to finger a lot of chicks with uneven bangs in that town, though. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. Some of them, are they...

They're mousy and petite and they all can't handle dairy products. Oh, I don't like that. I want a big utilitarian one. What kind of bitch I could pick the kids up for song practice?

Northern California, March 1st, I'm going to be at Sacramento headlining the Stab Comedy Theater March 2nd I'm headlining the Savage Henry Comedy Club in Eureka

and looking forward a little bit May 3rd and 4th if you're in Arizona I'm going to be at Tucson headlining Laughs again had a great time can I plug one more thing

next Tuesday by the way now's the time at UCB and Rose Petal the comedy star me and Nicole Buchanan on the 26th so if you're in LA go to those

just in case there's some Mean Boys fans in Rancho Cordova, I know there might be. I'll be there headlining April 11th to April 13th at Tommy T's. Oh, nice. So you can come see me there. Hell yeah. Do that.

Yeah, yeah. No, that's the kind of fucking barren economic wasteland that people that enjoy the show tend to end up in. It's one of those towns where there's always a reason that you live there. You notice we're never plugging. I'll be in Manhattan. I'll be where the prison closed. Anywhere that there's also a McDonald's on

a ranch is where I perform. Anywhere somebody has said, I missed this. Yeah, if you're living in a box on Heil Boulevard, come to the rec room in Huntington Beach on March 9th. If the GPS shuts off as soon as I turn onto your street, that's where I perform. If it's like the Bermuda Triangle for people with no teeth.

Yeah, if you get a lot of dudes in tractors taking ways detours outside your house, I'll be touring exclusively in your neck of the woods until I die from suicide. Tom, what do you got to plug? March 14th, Yukon Comedy Festival. Come on out. Canada. Tom just got his passport.

He did it. He entered a government building and completed several forms. You can stop messaging and commenting and tweeting at the booker asking if I have my passport yet. Thanks, guys. Now the guys are just doing a little grassroots promo. Bono has to be in his bono. Don't act like it's insane.

They would be concerned. We were concerned. It's pretty funny. I know you have it, and I feel like you're going to hold it up and be like, here's my passport, and the Falcon is going to take it. I'm going to have it the next 12 days maximum, yeah. Okay. I got it expedited.

The post office would literally have to show up and fuck me with a strap on and be like, we don't care about your money. In order for me to not get my passport at this point. Yeah, that doesn't sound like the post office at all. Yeah, man. The fucking post office. Mark Maron was right. I went there the other day and I thought, oh God,

I want to work here just so I can quit and kill you, B. Also, if you're the postal worker who said I was going to sue you, he was going to start listening to Mean Boys, thank you. Hi. Please give me my passport. This is how Tom follows up on things. He just puts it out to the world and says,

could someone help me have that happen today? That rules. Let's get the fuck out of here. Fuck everything. God is there. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm