Mean Boys - EP 184 - Spaghetti Box (feat. Tim Dillon)

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

Live show in San Diego this Friday: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/mean-boys-live-the-mad-house-in-san-diego-tickets-55557222147 Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Listen to Tim's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/tim-dillon-is-going-to-hell/id1135137367?mt=2 Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Go to Now Is Not The Time live at UCB in LA on 2/26: sunset.ucbtheatre.com/performance/67372 Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest Tim Dillon on Twitter: twitter.com/timjdillon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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another edition of the Mean Boys radio program. Man, you said Miss Molly, and I can tell you wish you hadn't said it between Miss and Molly. What did I say? You just went went good golly miss molly yeah i started like uh what should i how should i get into this one and i was immediately i was like this you disgust me you me uh so yeah we got a good new episode today with tim dillon uh stopped by the studio and man really registered his disdain for our whole existence yeah Yeah. He filed more than several complaints. I don't even think most of them were just via nonverbal body language cues. Yeah. If you listen closely, you'll hear the sound of eyes rolling.

You've never heard a man browse the DoorDash app looking for delivery with quite the disrespect. People talk about you being intimidating and being like, oh, I feel like Connor hates me. Yeah. These people have never met Tim Dillon. No, man. It's like, you feel like you're talking to some sort of, like, gay Kennedy, you know, where he's just got this energy where he's like, you come to me. Okay? You understand?

Yeah, you're lucky to be in my presence. Yeah, but Tim's one of my favorites. He's the gravy capo. We've got a great podcast called Tim Dillon's Going to Hell. I love the show. It's one of the few shows I actually listen to. You've been on it, too. He's the gravy capo. We've got a great podcast called Tim Gillen's Going to Hell. I love the show. It's one of the few shows I actually listen to. You've been on it, too. Yeah, I did one episode.

It's mediocre. And then, yeah, that's going on. Boy, though, we're headed out on the road. And there's one thing that's really I've been looking forward to. It's been getting me through the tough times. And that is the idea of tasing Tom. We want it so bad. I mean, we have the taser.

We have Tom. It seems like a waste. And you know, if you're listening to this, you know you want it. Even if you don't think you want it, you want it so bad. At the very least, you've got to want us to stop talking about it. Yeah. And try to find how do we top tasing a man for 750 iTunes reviews. Remember how sweet it's been to not hear about soup for the past 100 episodes?

You know, that was honestly quite the reich that soup had on our show. But when we get to 500 iTunes reviews, we're going to tase Tom Goss. Hopefully it'll live show on our upcoming tour. But we've been getting some good reviews. This one says, came for the comedy, stayed for the tasing. Four stars. Fuck you. Sorry, Tom.

Four stars. What is his grievance? Wait, does he say? No, he just says, sorry, Tom. Well, don. Four stars. What is his grievance? Wait, does he say? No, he just says, sorry, Tom. Well, don't do that. What if this is a guy who's kind of in the comedy, but mostly into police crowd control weapons? What I really like is the innocent being wounded. Yeah.

That's what really gets me going. And he's trying to turn this into a guns and ammo type of show. Yeah. Which we've been getting enough axes in the mail. Thanks for those, everybody. We've been mailed two axes this week. Yeah. And that's too many.

It was, it's, honestly, here's the other thing. We haven't not been playing with them a lot. Oh, yeah. We've been just hacking a piece of wood

that's in our front yard up at the pieces. Why is it that whenever you get an axe you magically find just the perfect piece of old wood you're never going to use

to fuck with it? I mean, I couldn't tell you because this is the first time I've received an axe. Let alone axes. I've had several, I don't know, because this is the first time I've received an axe, let alone axes. I've had several, I don't know, bladed weapons of many kinds come into my life of the day. But yeah, so thanks for sending us axes. You know, let me know if you got any weapons you want to send.

We've got a kind of a, it's honestly making the Twitter presence of the show look a lot more militant than it is. Yeah, it really does make us look like we have some sort of survivalist podcast and not farts the show. I mean, I think you're being too kind. I think it looks like we're trying to overthrow the goddamn government in our fucking squatters palace just full of medieval technology. We're the next Cliven Bundy, just like a fucking militia full of sheep. Yeah, dude.

You see, you've been following Echo Park Waco. Shit is ridiculous. So, yeah, do that. And come see us. What are those cities, Keith? Well, tomorrow night. So, yeah, do that. And come see us. What are those cities, Keith? Well, tomorrow night, we're going to be in San Diego doing a live Mean Boys podcast at the Madhouse Comedy Club. And I don't want to brag. This is going to be fun.

I don't. I don't want to be braggadocious. But we have sold over five tickets. But less than seven tickets. So I don't want to say exactly the number because it's rude to flex your nuts. Yeah, it feels a little crass. The point is, if you're listening at San Diego and you wanted to come to that show that you guys asked us for, it sure would be neat. That would rule, frankly.

It'd be pretty tight. It's going to be a fun show. I can confirm now. Kyle Clark, our good buddy, is going to be coming down with us to fuck around. What's up? I just said hey. Hey. I'm super excited to go to San Diego.

And that's not how that works. Just hang out after the show, and we'll talk about pavement for an hour and a half. It's going to be great. I have a lot of opinions about weird Japanese body horror anime. I'll show you my Wilco tattoo. Look how tall I am. I'm so charming. I was searching online for used DVDs.

Getting really into DVDs, Connor. Yeah, I was watching the director's commentary for Battle Royale. And I noticed something strange. That's Kyle doing his A material. Yeah. But come see Kyle do the podcast with us. Billy Bizarre is my hilarious fat friend from the middle of nowhere. A true fucking find.

I don't want to spoil his best story, but it is really good. He's got all kinds. He just had his tits inspected. That's number one. I did not know about that. Yeah. I mean, this guy is the divorces, the gas station foods. He's a regular old Bigfoot.

So you got to come see Billy. Wow, man, I'm quite the salesman. Yeah, this is going to be a fun fucking show. It will be. And we're going all over the goddamn country. Yeah, we're going to Houston. We're going to Dallas. We're going to Austin.

We're going to Kansas City. We're going to St. Louis. We're going to Cincinnati. We're going to Indianapolis. We're going to Nashville. We're going to Jacksonville. We're going to Orlandoapolis. We're going to Nashville. We're going to Jacksonville. We're going to Orlando. And we're going to goddamn Hotlanta.

And I know what you're thinking. Will we ever stop calling it a Hotlanta? It was kind of charming the first time. Now it's actively irritating. I don't hot think so. How about you shut your hot mouth? Oh, that sounds kind of funny. Shut your hot mouth.

Yeah, we're going to Hotlando, Hotlando, or Hotville is what I meant to say. We're going to Hotlist. Hotten. Fucking Hot Kansas City. That one doesn't work. It's actually Hotno. It's plain O, but Hotlist sounds better. Anyway, those hot tickets are on sale right now.

Yeah. So pick them up while they are muy fuego. You know what's actually selling pretty weirdly well is Hottie Annapolis. Those hot tickets are on sale right now. Yeah. So pick them up while they are muy fuego. You know what's actually selling pretty weirdly well is Hottie Annapolis. Yeah, Hottie Annapolis and whatever the bullshit this version of Plano, Texas is. Yes. Yeah. Hot, no.

So we're doing that. Man, we're doing some Patreon shows. I'll tell you, Tom Goss is putting out the pilot episode of his new podcast project he's been very excited about uh so that's going up that'll be up on patreon today if you're a subscriber if you're not it's only five bucks a month for an extra hour of mean boys in your life every week find out the history of the wienermobile that was when we just did we did about a whole hour about just the different phases of the wienermobile and honestly i think it was like one of the best documentaries i've ever seen yeah we'll combine our fashions, like stylish aesthetics and then tubed meat. That would be funny to do. Maybe we should do a podcast called Documentaries, where it's just people saying things that are wrong.

Yeah. Where they just do an audio documentary, but it's just them guessing. That'd be funny. That'd be funny. Yeah, so that's going on 10 bucks a month. Monthly goodie packs in the mail this month. We're doing a goddamn sticker pack. We got the classic new Meat & Boys logo, the perfect synth wave addition to any fucking piece of physical matter in your home, which can receive stickiness.

We got the Vito Powers very old-fashioned pizzeria logo. Yep. A picture of John DiMaggio that nobody needs to tell him I'm using, or the folks over at Getty Images. So that's coming down the pipes. And, of course, the business card for Ramsey Bataoui, a vape lawyer, which is done as MS-paintily as possible. Speaking of Ramsey Bataoui, vape attorney, if you're in L.A. on February 26th, that's this Tuesday,

come on out. We're doing a Now Is Not The Time Live, hosted by Ramsey and Opie. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, all three of your boys are going to be on that. Yeah that yeah they got some funny communities and a little bit of stand-up before the show and uh yeah it's gonna be partylicious if i'm if i'm being honest it's gonna be i mean you know the word groovetacular gets thrown around a lot and i'm just trying to drop his dick on the table it's time it's he's this it's time for him to make now is not the time the new hit sensation so you know is the time for you to buy a ticket so now it's not the time. The new hit sensation. Now is the time for you to buy a ticket, so now is not the time.

Sure is, yeah. I wonder did this show become a NASCAR car for just shitty events? Of all the 20 shows you're not going to go to, enjoy this. Wow, guys. Fascinating for the listener. Anyway, jump on the subreddit and the Discord if you want to interact with your fellow Mean Boys fans. Lots of stimulating discussion happening over there. Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe if you just bought an axe, I bet you a million dollars they'd have some fucking opinions about Cold Steel versus Gerber. Yeah, go show off your weapons. Yeah. And speaking of which, there's dick pictures over there in the dick pictures section. That would take a full axe to hack through. And they are dark. Dark dicks. Not even the color of the dicks, though some of them are.

It's more just the ambiance of the dicks. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you want to see the moderator of our Discord and the wokest fan we have, straight up fist her husband. Yeah. Check this shit out. Yeah, man. I mean, it's like every single one of these photos looks like evidence.

Like you hear the purr from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre montage. Exactly. Yeah. So all that's going on. We got Tim Dillon episode coming down the pipe right now here for you guys to chow down on. Jesus fucking Christ. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Everyone believes you, but no one cares. I'm Tom Goss.

I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And joining us today, we forgot to write the show. Tim Dillon's back in the trap. What's up, buddy? Thanks so much. How are you? Glad to be back for hopefully my last time.

I was about to say, one thing you don't really do well, and you're a great comedian, feigning enthusiasm. Not a strong suit for you. No, I mean, I hope next year I'm in a different position, but this year I'm not. Honestly, the contempt feels better than the fake. I got to be real. I'm excited to be back here now, and hopefully in the future, things are different. Yeah, just so you can look back and see the growth.

You're doing this so you can be glad you don't have to later. Sure. I feel this the way I felt about many of the crack houses I used to hang out at. It's a great story. Yeah. You go in there, you collect all the data that you reasonably need, and you leave better than the people there. That's the way that I feel. What have you found to hate about it?

I saw you boiling hot dogs on your Instagram story. What's new? You're always a bit of a culinary adventurer. So has anything in your trip this time wowed you or disappointed you? Well, I had never been to a Jollibee. And I went to Jollibee for the first time and I made a video outside. I had never been there. I had only known about it from the dark web.

And that's where their menu is. Silk Road to their drive-thru. Right. I mean – Yeah, if you want to download their app and get the points, you menu is. Yeah, it's in Silk Road to their drive-thru. Right, I mean. Yeah, if you want to download their app and get the points, you have to. You got to go on a few hidden logies. But I was very curious about Jollibee because it doesn't make any sense.

It's like fried chicken, spaghetti, eggs, shrimp. It really has, there's no through line. It's like you had a nine-year-old program the menu at a restaurant and they just, I know about six foods and they're all here and they don't fit together. And you look at the menu, like you guys a nine-year-old program the menu at a restaurant. I know about six foods, and they're all here, and they don't fit together. You look at the menu, and you're like, you guys are just saying words. You just thought of the first eight foods you could think of. Yeah, it's really weird.

I wanted to try it because I was always fascinated with the idea of spaghetti in a box. Yeah. That's so depressing. That, to me, is an interest. The idea that that was an idea, and someone went, no, yeah, yeah, we should serve spaghetti. That's like a hog in a coffin. And then fried chicken next to it. Yeah.

Like it's fries, you know, like what are we doing? So I was really, really excited to try Jollibee and I I did try Jollibee, and it was really not great. I was not surprised at that. It wasn't horrible. It is, I'm sure, fine if you are in a crunch, you know? And I don't mean like a time crunch. I mean if you're literally being tortured in a crunch. If you're in a box that's closed.

If you're on a medieval rack. Yeah. If you're being a medieval rack. Yeah. If you're being Guantanamo'd into eating weird nonsense. But it's weird. You know, you eat the spaghetti and you eat a bite of it and you're like, this is kind of good. The third bite, you're like, ugh. And the chicken's just very fatty and very, you know, but it's like, hey, God bless them.

It's very Filipino. Everyone there's Filipino. What are you doing making spaghetti in bulk? You know? Yeah. That seems like a rough food to mass produce. Yeah. The last time I went to that Jollibee, I had hooked up with a guy who lived right across the street from it.

Yeah. And during the process of that hookup, I threw up. So I got out, and I'm like, well, my stomach is empty. My mouth already tastes like vomit. Why not go to Jollibee? Your stories are always so hot. It's so... I'm fucking gross. What kind of guy was it?

It was, like, very meth-y, which I didn't realize until I got there. Yeah, it was just kind of, like, bald, like, tweaker dude. Like, barbed wire tattoos. Like, multiple barbed wire tattoos in multiple locations. Wow. Like, a thigh and an arm. Would you say he was a generous lover? Because this is what I'm... He was a little too generous.

Oh, gotcha. Hence the fucking... Hence the vomiting. Wow. Oh, wow. So he a little too generous, hence the fucking, hence the vomiting. Wow. Oh, wow. So he was just like throat fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Not a great situation. I feel like that's more your generosity, isn't it? Wait, what? Well, yeah. Maybe I'm confused. How much is it for a box of their assortments? Yeah. I love Tom.

Tom's like, let's stick with the issue at hand. Well, no. I'm like, my description of this sounds like Tom's like, let's stick with the issue at hand. Well, no, I'm like, my description, this sounds like it's six, seven bucks. You could get in there. How large is the box? I mean, it's big enough, Tom. Okay. No one's ever thought, I wish I had more Jolly Me Spaghetti. I've never been house hunting, so he wants to live in a spaghetti box that's been abandoned

and just needs to have the residue to keep him company. Yeah, I've never been to the B, and I should go to show. I know, yeah, you made that fucking phenomenal video, but I encourage everyone to watch it. Maybe we'll drop the audio in between segments. Yeah, that was my culinary trip. But, I mean, I love, listen, I like a lot of the food in LA and I go out a frequent amount. But Jollibee was a lot of fun. You go to the spots, but you do talk about it like it's rub and tugs.

You're like, all right, look, there's the Politano pizza. You got to go in there. If there's the Greek guys working, fucking leave. There's always these code words and stuff. You really find this shit. Welcome back to Tim Dillon's Guide to Back Alley Falafel. It's like drugs. I spent a decade doing drugs, and that was very similar because you would be like, you would go to a house, but you would only go to a house to get something if somebody that

you knew or trusted was there because they would give you a good count. Nice package, nice fucking eight ball, nice and fat, maybe throw you a little extra. And then there were certain people that were stingy. You're looking for customer service quality. Yeah, I mean, so it's really the same thing with food. I mean, steakhouses and crack houses I find to be very similar. Yeah, it's just the blue meth, but it's, you know, of cheese. It's the same thing.

It's all about the raw materials, and it's about service. Hey, you're not trying to get this fucking stepped-on prime rib. Yeah, 100%. I'm looking for the real shit. You know, on the throwing up on the dick note, I had a conversation in san diego this the guy was talking about yeah me and my neighbor is this other kid we used to suck each other's dicks as six-year-old boys you know and i was thinking about it i'm like probably the best time to suck dick because the gag is reflex will never be an issue with such a tiny dick you can be deep-throating for a second i was like i would

think you of all people would agree six years old, not the best time to suck a dick. I'm saying just logistically because I was like, you know, sucking a dick, it seems like such an exhausting enterprise to be in. You know, seems taxing on the whole. I mean, you got to get air in and out while you're also chugging the car. The kid has a smaller throat as well. I know, but I'm saying a kid's mouth is bigger than a kid's dick. And this has been Nambla Boys.

This episode is sponsored by Chollibee. I love just selling ads to this show. Like, what's this show about? You're like, well... I know there is a legitimate commercial coming out. You know, guys, if you struggle with urges to touch children, one thing that people find helps is CBD.

If you take this stuff, you're going to find that you're all hawking CBD, man. Every podcast is hawking CBD. We can't get the deal, man. I'm telling them, you've got to give us something we can sell. Yeah. Because they'll send us advertising sometimes. And I'm like, I don't know that the Mean Boys listening audience of Factory Workers and Carnies is going to invest in a bidet.

Now, here's what I do know that they like. Snake oil is the thing that they would be a big fan of. Yeah. Well, it's not like, well, we have an app that lets you trade stocks. I'm like, everyone here lives in a shanty. Yeah. What about these people? What do you pay for that alcove that you live in?

A hundred bucks. A month. Yeah. You're living right now. This is fascinating. You're living. Three dollars a a day plus internet and stuff shut up yeah you're living for a hundred dollars a month in an alcove it's amazing yeah yeah i'm kind of jealous yeah well i can afford it it's it's in it's yeah no it's uh do you work? Define work

No Have you ever had a job? There's a great thing about Thomas He's a professional comedian That's great, I love that I've worked a bunch A lot of different night shift A lot of

You're somehow still too dumb to work this register The best gig that Tom ever had Is when he was a battery in the Matrix for the Sheets. That was when he was really... That was when he was killing? He shined because he was like, oh, I just got to continue to consume. You're in like, this room is like the fucking, this is like the suite. This is the penthouse. This is the presidential suite.

It's got two whole windows. The nerve center. Yeah. And none of us paid much for our views of equally depressing favela walls well yeah yeah one is a fucking you know a shanty town like jamaican wall and the other one if you open that curtain it's just me smoking cigarettes on the couch it really looks like we're a brazilian warlord party you know do you guys hear each other fuck oh yeah oh i don't i don't i don't talk in the kitchen yeah

i did one time walk in on a girl't fuck in the kitchen yeah i did one time walking on a girl with tom in the bed when i was getting up to pee late at night she'd come over to you know hang out with the goss man and i had a line like locked and loaded like this would be so funny if i said this but i don't want to fuck up his shit because i wanted to say get a room you two because he lives in the kitchen right yeah i'm like maybe this is not the time to bring up my friend's poverty when his dick is currently in a woman's hand. We didn't hook up. There's no woman

who is willing to hook up in that crevice. That's not a fuck crevice. I feel like if you actually did fuck on there, you would turn into a prince. You'd complete the challenge. Do you ever hear Connor fucking and you're laying on the kitchen floor and it's doubly depressing? I've heard at one point Connor, Keith, and an old roommate fucking at the same time.

Wow. All of the noise kind of meets where I sleep. Yeah, the Bermuda Triangle of loneliness. Yeah, and one of my headphone buds broke, so I can't get it. Wow. You've got one ear listening to like just a weird podcast and the other ear is just a bunch of fuck ghosts. Weirdly, the ear to the floor. Tom will end up with a lot of dramatic $16

problems. Does Connor ever leave the door open because it seems like such a problem to close it. I do sometimes. Yeah. You know my office hours you know come in and bring me. Interesting. It's an interesting environment. It's a hundred a month. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You guys are close. I mean that's

a close friendship. Yeah. Yeah. are close i mean that's a close friendship yeah yeah i mean i'm these it's he's like a i almost feel like we're each other's lieutenants in a weird way where it's like you know it's like when the guy that lives four feet away from you on the ground is gonna have a pretty good idea of what's going on in your life yeah yeah it's a weird sort of i know when anyone's fucking in here yeah it's interesting one time tom i was fucking in here and he's he was having a panic attack, and he's like, I gotta go to the hospital. So I had to kick the girl out,

call her an Uber home or whatever, and I take Tom to the hospital, and he realizes he's kind of fine. Well, that's it. If a panic attack is, you're fine. Yeah, it wasn't really a panic attack. It was more a... But it's a story I like to bring up, because it makes me seem like a good person. But it's more what? You ever feel light-chested? Like, light-headed, but in your chest? Yeah, it's a good person. It's a more what? You ever feel light chested? Like light headed but in your chest?

Yeah, it's a panic attack. It's anxiety. Oh. Well, let me ask you a question. I've had panic attacks. It doesn't feel like a panic attack. When you went to the hospital, did they diagnose you with anything? No, they told me I needed to see a neurologist.

Yeah. Number one, I concur. I haven't saying that for years Here's the thing Anxiety manifests itself In very different ways And it's weird So maybe it was anxiety

And listen You might be dying And you know Would you know the difference? No And I wouldn't care Right Exactly

Nor should you Yeah But it's Here's another thing to remember You're barely alive You know Really But that's good for you

You kick the girl out And then you're like Oh I'm just gonna take my boy To the hospital like that which i think gives me i'd like some sort of boy of the year eligibility for sure i'm at least on the ballot for sure well you know what it was is they asked me what my mental health history was and i started telling them i could see the look on their face like we're not gonna do anything for you this was right after the roast battle shoot so i was still stocked up with Korean Viagra, so I was rock hard. I had a panic attack once.

Emergency room. Anybody trying to fuck before they go get their blood pressure did? It's like getting horny looking at a bunch of real life garbage pail kids. It was very jarring. You should never be that hard near a gunshot wound. I had a panic attack in a restaurant once

with my friend, and I called an ambulance. It was a nice restaurant, and we were having a tasting menu. Where did you slip that in there? It was someplace you couldn't afford. Well, I don't know if you guys know what a tasting menu is, but it's like they bring out different courses. They bring out seven or eight courses. It takes like three hours. Yeah.

And so I'm having a panic attack. I'm in the ambulance and my course were you on when you abandoned course three oh fuck and there's gotta be a lot more and my friend said can I have the rest of the courses boxed up and the restaurant was like sure so in the hospital I was sitting in a bed and the doctor's like okay you have literally nothing wrong with you. And my friend was just handing me the courses going, now this is the doc. And the doctor goes, okay, guys, we have people with, and I swear to God, he cursed. He goes, we have people with real fucking problems here.

What is going on? And I'm laying in a bed eating like a crown roast rack of lamb like this. And I'm like chewing. And I'm like chewing. And I'm like, I thought I was dying. And then I said to my friend, I'm like, what's the dessert? What is the dessert? That's like some French king shit. Let the peasants die.

I must eat duck in the band. Tim was really born out of time because you would have really thrived during feudalism. That's what I'm getting at. I 100% abhor and detest the modern world. Yeah, I agree with you. I really, every time I'm watching something. That Nazi shit that we're watching, this sent me down a whole spiral just thinking about everything. I'm like, God, we're really truly boned in every different direction.

We really are. I mean, how does it, it doesn't come out good. I mean, this is what I think. There's a few people that have had that epiphany or that can live with that epiphany where you're like, oh, this doesn't turn around. Or you kind of have to just realize, like, I suppose I just got to have as much fun as I can and find enough small things to enjoy to get through it. But in terms of, like, a brighter future just at large, it's not going to come. There's too many forces that are converging to destroy the earth. Yeah.

Natural, social, societal. And you look at it and like, you know what the issue was, is we were a little bit short sighted when we came up with this whole commerce thing. And that really got out of hand. Yeah. Well, it's a game of Monopoly. You got to start,

restart the game of Monopoly in order to keep playing Monopoly. You don't just roll dice on a bunch of shit. So the nuclear winner is just going to be a bratty kid flipping the board. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No one's the symbol. I know that might be the best chance we've got.

Yeah. What is that? What are you drinking? You put something in the water? Crystallite, Tim. Now, this is... Now, Crystallite is real white trash. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Does that remind you of Long Island at all? That's like people that are like, you know what? I need flavor in my water to get it down. I can't get my fucking water intake unless I dye it pink. It's clear how well I know what fruit it is. Sick, bro.

Connor has the palate of a seven-year-old. He ate soup for the first time because it was an iTunes review challenge. That's true, yeah. Yeah, Connor, when I spend time with Connor, I feel like he's one of the kids from Who Took Johnny who grew up. He's one of the kids that was in a cage and being fucked by senators. Connor has that energy.

He has that energy of someone who's looked into the eyes of the devil. That is the energy that he has. He's fine, but he'll just never be okay again. But girls like that. Girls love that because you're not accessible at all. You're somewhere else. Yeah, exactly. You're permanently somewhere else.

Always checked out. Girls love that. In space. Girls love that. Yeah. It's funny. They're like, I can bring him back to Earth. Yeah.

And then it puts me in the situation where I have to warn you. It's like, I'm never going to be really totally around. You know what I mean? Yeah, right, right, right. Where it's like, this is going to be kind of- Do you even smoke a lot of weed or no? Not particularly. I smoke it to fall asleep sometimes. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's like, this is going to be kind of- Do you even smoke a lot of weed or no? Not particularly. I smoke it to fall asleep sometimes.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's even a weed thing. You just seem like you're on a vacation. I'm always thinking about- You know what I think about a lot? The laws of thermodynamics. Really? I don't believe that. Or I'll just be sitting there going like-

Yeah, I don't believe that. Yeah. But if the inter-system wants to- You know what I think about a lot? I think about a cold fusion reaction and how to save this planet. Yeah. It's not the multiple rapes you went through. You know what I think about a lot? I think about a cold fusion reaction and how to save this planet. Yeah? It's not the multiple rapes you went through? No.

You know what I'm thinking about? What? The post-Cold War system of nation states and how that is inherently complex. And it's like, wait, what? Oh, I thought it was the beating you got on your sixth grade birthday party. Here's the thing about rapes is eventually you've thought about them about as much as you can. I know. You've absorbed all the information.

And that's when you've got to move into putting your brain in a robot body. Fair enough. So it's just a new shell to be bummed out? Like a robot bummed about getting molested? Yeah, and I think, well, I guess I'd like to fly around and look at what's inside different asteroids. Like, what the fuck am I thinking? You're going to be the only sad being with a jet pack built into its body. Yeah, at what point during all this extrapolating do I get to thinking about what's going on with me?

Fair enough. Yeah, guys. Wow, man. This is a very... I wrote jokes for this. Are we going to do the jokes? We're going to do the jokes, yeah. Because I mean, you know...

I'm just enjoying the sleepy, arrogant energy. No, I mean, listen. And I mean, you know. I'm just enjoying the sleepy, arrogant energy. No, I mean, listen. And I told you this story when I saw you earlier. It was last time you left the house, you got into an Uber, and you shouted at us in our poor Mexican neighborhood, open your minds to the idea of luxury. Yes, and I've returned a year later, and you haven't. It's gotten worse since the last time you were here. Yeah.

Let me just, like, let me break down some of these sneakers that I purchased. Oh, my God. Why are you obsessed? You want to talk about luxury? Why are you a sneaker guy, do you think? I don't know. I think they look pretty

is kind of what it boils down to. What I love about Connor is that whenever a comic comes over that he actually respects, he just shows off his shoes like a child showing their toys to, like, an adult uncle. No, I noticed his shoes

the other night. I was like, dude, those are fucking awesome. Hey, where's good shoes? You know what? It's one of the closest I've ever had to a hobby is enjoying sneakers. I'm a fan of it because it's created my new hobby, getting your old clothes. Exactly.

It's been a big win for me. Tom is saving Connor a lot of trips to Goodwill. Yeah. Trying to throw it out there. Exactly. I had Connor on my show. I did a podcast with you, right? Didn't I have you on my podcast?

We did, yeah. And as a guy who enjoys your podcast, I got to tell you, a very lackluster episode. No, it was pretty good. People thought I was hitting on you the whole time, and they were like, stop trying to rape the person. And I'm like, um, what listener are you? Like, what small percentage of anti-rape listeners do I have? And

God, this is, I mean, coming from, but it was, I think it was a decent episode. It was alright. I forgot what we even talked about. We just talked about the whole landscape of capitalism and media and everything. Oh, interesting. You're sort of the bread and butter of the Tim Dillon that's going to hell.

You've been doing some great ones. I've enjoyed the fucking just weird dark web cults that rape and murder people. Jeez, yeah. Like doxing neo-Nazis and shit. You've got to get involved, folks. Good stuff. Thank you.

I want to check that out. I appreciate that you listen every now and then. I do. I listen when I'm on like traveling and shit. Yeah. And I'll go, I'll get four or five backed up. It's like you get to a point where you become so cunty in your taste, you can only listen to other people that are just pieces of shit that think they're right about everything.

I appreciate it. And I'm like, man, this guy is awesome. Right. He is also a prince that is too perfect for this world. I appreciate it. Listen, I am so happy that when you're on a mega bus heading to some death valley nightmare horror camp yes that you find my takes amusing and that they get you through the day yeah i'm going to do a benefit for uh firefighters in a town that we're honestly deer ticks are the

biggest std so what uh what town oh this is just a gig I made up, but it sounds like something I do. Okay, well, that's not sad at all. I've never roast a dog mayor in butt-fuck nowhere. Exactly. All right, guys, let's tell some jokes. We're getting into the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. It'll be fun. I got this one to take us away.

Google's algorithm has been hijacked by trolls to show the Pakistani flag when you search for world's best toilet paper. This is where we play the Ilstap result, Tim Dillon holding a stack of cash and pointing to his goatee. I feel like you've expressed interest in this, having kind of like little escort-y kind of boys, you know? I mean, I do, yeah. Has it panned out for you?

Have you been able to like, oh, yeah, I'll show you out on the town? Oh, yeah, I do stuff like that all the time. Oh, fuck yeah, man. I'm really happy for you. Yeah, I mean, I do stuff. It seems perfect for you. When you say escorting, like, you're paying for? You don't have to admit to that.

I mean, sometimes, sure. Yeah, I have no problem admitting to it. I just want to know legally. Yeah. Yeah, but I like a certain type of guy. Okay. So it's, like, usually if the situation works out where it's, like, it's not really, like, I'm paying directly, it's like you know

people going out to dinner, hotels, maybe concert or something it's not a prostitute it's more of like but I will also pay them I have no problem with paying for sex I feel like with you even like when it comes to like you know purchasing boy pussy

I imagine you're looking at the menu at the brothel now like when you say substitutions politely declined, does that not mean I can add onions to my Filipino boy? No, I need a specific... I like a specific experience, so sometimes you have to you know... Yeah, get what you want.

Shop around. A shooting happened in Mexico. The headlines on the story also read in parentheses No, seriously, this one happened where the white people go. Yeah. We gotta report on it, dude. There's fucking women trying to spring break over here. A nine-year-old girl

got in an argument with her mother and then hung herself. Shouted the mother, Oh, sure, when it's shoe shopping time, you need the Velcro, but now you know how to tie a knot. Hey, Jussie Smollett, you know what's better than faking a hate crime for your career in entertainment?

Raping multiple children. The more you know. Man, that shit is bananas that he actually, like, he really did fake it. Because I remember reading the story and going, like, man, I feel bad, but this does look kind of fake,

you know, and it's like, I don't want to put it in, that seems like a terrible thing to do. I shouldn't even think that. And then you're like, oh, I feel bad, but this does look kind of fake, you know? And it's like, I don't, I don't want to put it in there. I would, that seems like a terrible thing to do. I shouldn't even think that. And then you're like, oh yeah, you, you were right to feel that way. Cause people are, the guy is, uh, first of all, great manager that faked it with him. I mean, is that how it went down?

The manager was on the phone with them. I cannot get my manager to answer a call, make eye contact. The idea that you're faking hate crimes like that's fucking amazing yeah you're invested in your client you got a level of representation that's fucking great i'm fucking looking for a bcc on an email this guy's getting false flags right yeah well where do you get that kind of personal attention brilstein it's nuts the bummer of it too is like i've looked online and like the takeaway should be man this dude's an asshole but a lot of people are like, see, every hate crime is bullshit.

It's all faked. Of course. That's what people fucking do. Yeah. A lot of hate crimes are staged, I hate to say it. I mean, this is true. A lot of them are. And Tim is a hate crime stage.

We're here with a fag drag truther, Tim Dillian. A lot of them are. Now, a lot of them aren't, but there's a fair amount of them that are staged. Tim is looking to become a hate crime stage mom, where he is standing on the sidelines going, Remember, smile, smile with your eyes. Look like you just got hit. Look like you just got hit. Remember, they called me the N-word.

That's your line. Now remember, they don't just hate you, they hate you for who you are. You're hitting your soul. I need you to smize, but with bleeding. Could you do that? I need you US to A to A levels of sad. All right, guys. A man was arrested for pulling a gun on another man wearing a MAGA hat inside of a Sam's Club.

Now, these sound like the events that would take place in Hunter S. Thompson's version of Rocky Raccoon. Don't they? Just a little bit. That's funny. Yeah. Toasters. you raccoon don't they just a little bit yeah um toasters are great wow man toasters are this is the kind of creativity you have time for when you live in a kitchen toasters are now deemed unhealthy this was discovered when i ate the house toaster Great It was a slow news week You gotta say five sentences

And I like that every week you can barely find them I sure can't We did find a glitch in this shitty house Where every time we run the toaster All the power goes out Is that true? It's 100% true The toaster pops and short circuits the entire building

Yeah Which is funny because you get a great comedy sound effect Of the You know And then just the lights pop out Also when it rains I don't have electricity on my wall Yeah the entire building. Yeah. Which is funny because you get a great comedy sound effect of the, you know, and then just the lights pop out. Also, when it rains, I don't have electricity on my wall.

Yeah. Yeah, at all. Every time it's rained, it just goes out. I have to go to the other room. Yeah, go ahead. Anthony Weiner was registered

as a sex offender and released from prison. When asked what he planned to do with his newfound freedom, a cheerful Weiner said, I'm going 500 yards away from Disneyland. I love it.

That's fun. I was trying to think of something for that for a while. But that guy's dick, man, one of the most consequential boners in human history. Yeah. Really. I mean, reopening the James Comey probe, I mean, just with the power of your own horniness.

Yeah. Like, the amount of guilt and emotion you must just have to live with seems crushing. Like, who's on the Mount Rushmore of, like, influential American historical wieners? Right, and what I feel really bad about, he's got a kid, so he can't kill himself. But you gotta want to. I mean, sure he can. He can.

Why would he want to kill himself? I mean, just because, like, imagine all the pressure on you and all the people speculating about, you know, your role in this big controversial event and how exhausting that would be, reading that all day, knowing that that was going to be a part of your narrative inseparably for the rest of your life. It would be kind of, I feel like it would be kind of overwhelming. Yeah, but he doesn't think like that. He's just trying to fuck.

You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, I just want to fuck. If he thought like that, he probably wouldn't have done that in the first place. He probably within 10 minutes would say, yeah, what's up? He's probably like, well, my career's over now. I got way more want to fuck. Like that. If he thought like that, he probably wouldn't have done that in the first place. He probably within 10 minutes. Dude, he's just thinking. He's probably like, well, my career is over now. I got way more time to fuck. He's thinking about fucking right now.

Yeah. Like he's not care. Like, no, he doesn't care. He's like, well, yeah, there's people out there that it turns out they're really horny for criminals. Yeah. They want to fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you do yours? Yeah. Okay. I knew the Jussie Smiles story was fake Because anyone who eats at Subway Always hangs themselves You don't need help It's the one thing you can do

Yeah you just make a rope out of the plastic bags You tie them all together Oh is it just tying Jared's fat pants around your neck? Yeah in terms of just You know when like You go to an old comedy club And you feel the laughter in the walls The opposite of that is the Subway Sandwiches franchise.

Yeah. Where you just feel caked in misery, just in the air. Well, the Subway, you walk in, it feels like they're baking a sneaker. It's the weirdest. Yeah. It's like freshly baked bread. I'm like, what smell is that? It's not baked bread.

It smells like a Goodyear tire store. Yeah, it's really bad. Yeah, it's good stuff. Man, China closed its Mount Everest base camp due to pollution. So now if you want to try to climb the coldest, most unforgiving rock in the world, you're going to have to at least buy me a drink first. Oh! Whoa!

Oh! It's brought to you. Japan now! Woo! This boy's in Reno, Nevada. It's 1991. He's opening for a stripper. The sleeves of his blazer roll themselves up.

I've actually figured out Tim's essence. It's Bruce Valanche ate Charles Bukowski. Yes. You have a turducken of gay showbiz panache. Yes. With an undercurrent of loathing and dread. That's right, Connor. It's good stuff. Kaepernick's lawyers are hoping he'll be able to play

for the New England Patriots. The NFL may not be taking race relations seriously, but this news has convinced him to do more research on CTE. I don't get it. What were you going for there? You know what? Does it matter? Should I you know what does it matter if i if i should i bomb there's no yeah there's no pretend i said something funny all right yeah a brothel in moscow is offering clients the opportunity to fuck sex dolls

finally you can find a cold, dead-eyed woman in Russia. I know, yeah. Really, like what? Of all the places that you wouldn't need that. Yeah, that's kind of the I'm not touching you of sex dolls, a Russian woman. Yeah, it's like I am moderating. Did you hear that people have found ways to hijack sex dolls? They're hacking sex dolls? They're hacking.

You can turn them into weapons now. Oh, shit. They found a way. Well, you can turn the pussy in. Some of them have Bluetooth, and people found a way to hack them. Wow. What can you make them do? I want to get a universal remote, you know, and they show the commercial, and you change

your neighbor's TV channel to fuck with them. You got that, but it's like, oh, what? Why is it black all of a sudden? What the heck? You know, they're still doing research, because apparently someone hacked, like, one of them long-distance dildos or something like that like ones where you're like significant other in a different country can be like oh yeah someone hacked that and like well they can do this we have 200 pound sex dolls they can just fucking turn into a torpedo or whatever yeah she turned my fuck

doll's butthole into a wiener guillotine If sex dolls start getting hacked and committing terrorism I am with them Just stand with them But with like a suicide vest Strapped to it So good, what a great world we're all gonna inherit You opened the Queen of Diamonds app And my sex toy Bit my penis off with it's Jaws of Life lips

I had to throw a burp for that one Yeah Alexandria Life lives. I had to throw a burp for that one. Yeah. Yeah, you're up. Alexandria! Ocasio-Cortez hired her boyfriend, gave him a government email address. So now it's PacoSanQuentin.gov. PacoSanQuentin.gov. Because she's Hispanic

and he's Hispanic. San Quentin's a jail and Paco is the name of a Hispanic criminal. Oh! Here's an alt. KhalidSheikhMuhammad.gov Alright, I like that.

I wrote these in the Uber on the way here. Two minutes from here when I was wrote these in the Uber on the way here. Two minutes from here when I was told I was like, oh. And by the way, thank God you texted me the address. Yeah. Because I was asleep. I woke up and I was like, oh. Well.

Why did I commit myself to this? Well, I like the way you asked me. You're like, you don't want to do this, do you? And it's like, that's the type of guilt. I didn't. But I was like, I'll do it. Because you asked like in a way where I was ashamed of myself. Well, no, it's a reverse psychology thing, which is smart. I'm like, yeah, I'll do it.

Well, here's my deal. If I'm going to podcasting, it's all a waste of time. So if it's a waste of time for you, I tell you exactly how many downloads the show gets if you're a famous person. Or if you've got anything going on, which I would say Tim is in this sort of purgatory. There's things going on. It's a hell. Your time has some sort of value. Not really. Sadly, no. I'm here.

It has enough value that you have to feel bad about being here, but not enough that you aren't here. That's a good point. Exactly, yeah. And like where the earth is, it's just close enough to the sun. Yeah. West Hollywood's homosexual mayor has been hit with sexual misconduct allegations, you guys. And he's facing pressure to resign. Now, the office of Mayor Harvey Weinmilk vehemently denies his claims. I didn't even know West Hollywood had a mayor. It has its own mayor.

And the entire. I assumed it was just a bottle of poppers and a small tie. Yeah. The entire point of it seems to be just to pass cunty resolutions they can't really do anything about but make them feel fun is sort of what I was getting from the article. Okay.

It's really more of a parade planning committee than a mayoral office. It seems like all they do is really just say like, well, today is RuPaul Day now because we signed this. And the rest of Hollywood

is like, sure, fine. And we're like, yeah, great. That's awesome. Yeah, go nuts. Have fun with that. Tommy Goss. Bags may be soon. Oh, shit. I we're like, yeah, great. That's awesome. Yeah, go nuts. Have fun with that. Tommy Gus. Bags may be soon. Oh, shit.

Bags may soon be charging iPhones. Finally, people have a reason to visit their grandmas. Because they're old bags. Jesus fucking Christ. What do you want from me? I never thought I'd say this, but you peaked at the toaster. Wow, man. And it's been a tumble down an icy mountain from there.

Oh, boy, this is a weird sort of show business voice you put on sometimes. Wow, bags. It looks like there's a lot of bag news. Pour the joke noise on it. I'm falloning. Yeah, you know who loves bags is Keenan Thompson. A Russian man's home was raided, and police discovered the bodies of 29 dead girls who had been mummified and dressed as dolls. When asked to explain himself, he said, he's not what it looks like.

He's brothel from last joke. It's callback. Those two Nigerians who staged a smolet We'll be visiting Elizabeth Warren next week with a smallpox blanket. So keep your eyes open for that. She's going to claim she got lassoed by Wyatt Earp, that lying whore. Every time I was dating a woman

that's a different race than me, and I got her sick, and I'm like, this really is a modern Mexican woman. And I was like, this is it. What do you think the answer is going to be? I don't know. Norwegian or something. I'm kidding.

I love Mexican food. How'd you meet her? That's high school. Oh, wow. How did it last long? Like nine months. You know, I know I'd never had a really like an adultish sort of a girlfriend. So I have no idea what you're doing.

You just get candy and you go, is this what you're supposed to? Is that what you want? Aren't you doing a pod with your ex right now? I am, yeah. I just did it earlier. It was fun. I think it's kind of nice.

I like conversations with people that just are going to be honest with you and that have sort of no reason to bullshit you. So it's just funny just me going like, well, yeah, well, maybe, you know, when your pussy used to smell and you'd do that thing, you could just do that. And it's kind of nice to have a frank sort of no reason to bullshit you. So it's just funny just me going like, well, yeah, well, maybe, you know, when your pussy used to smell and you'd do that thing, you could just do that. And it's kind of nice to have a frank sort of discussion

with someone like that. Yeah, yeah. What do you guys talk about? Relationship shit. You know, just what, it's kind of like come town, but it's emotional, I guess. We just kind of. It's like, I can't make her come town.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we talk and we answer emails and voicemails and the same shit we do here. Interesting. Yeah. Kind of a thing. I got one more left. A new Tinder-like app will help farmers find mates for their livestock.

It'll be way easier than the old days when you had to meet a cow by going to the coffee shop attached to the bookstore. Which is where I feel like your best odds of finding a fat woman are. You know? Like if you go to the power plant to catch a fucking magneton in a Pokemon game. If you're trying to catch a fat woman, you go to the Barnes & Noble coffee shop. That's where they hatch. Yeah, exactly. The only books fat women read are menus. Let's get rid of them. The Cheesecake Factory

Volume 2. A giant scorpion was found on an airplane. TSA defended themselves saying that the scorpion had brought no weapons and had his passport. I like that you go not topic, like you go outside. I respect that.

I just swing for low-hanging fruit. I avoid the news because it makes me sad. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I look up animal facts. I love that. Really, you wake up eight minutes before we record Panic and open a copy of Zoo Books. That's all.

There's got to be a panda pun in here. Panda, is that anything? That's a great soundbite to just really describe where the country is right now. I avoid the news because it makes me sad. So I look up animal facts. That's where it's at. Yeah, you replace animal fags with cartoons from the 90s. You've explained why our whole generation is on fire.

Absolutely. Even the dangerously mentally ill are falling into the basic bitch trappings of comfort. You know, where you're just like, I just want to see a panda be friends with something it's not likely to be friends with. All nine of the voices in Tom's head literally can't even.'s also just like i don't know looking at like news articles today it's like jumping into game of thrones nine seasons in where it's like wait what happened the other eight things tom is still like i thought prussia was in the mix somewhere you know yeah well i lost i just lost a bunch of time in the teenage you missed the good

I missed the whole season of Obama what were you doing he was being insane I was in a bunch of mental hospitals I got misdiagnosed schizophrenic I don't think you were misdiagnosed they didn't know how schizophrenic or I was diagnosed heavier at the time.

I don't know. Yeah. So you weren't a... I thought I was the Zodiac Killer from the 1970s. I kept trying to kill myself. Thought that aliens were trying to talk to me. Wrote on the walls a bunch in languages I didn't speak. You get it.

So understand that the alcove is a come up. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually... That's very interesting. A big step. That's kind of interesting. I'm glad it's kind of. No, I mean, it is very interesting.

I mean, did anyone analyze the languages? No. I remember I realized I was in trouble because I did it. I didn't sleep for 72 hours, and so I was writing on the bathroom wall in the psych ward. I knew I was in trouble because they got a, I don't know why they got this, but they got like a vintage like camera to take the photos of the wall. Like those like, like the one, what's it called? When it, it spits out photos. Yeah.

Polaroid. And they were taking it with a Polaroid camera. I was like, that can't be good for me. Well, the hospice nurse was a white woman on a vacation. So that was the only camera she had. Yeah. Available to her. She wanted fun souvenirs.

Yeah. It was interesting that you went to the languages. Because the FBI is getting good. They're cracking down on my Swedish enterprises I have with my young courtesans in West Hollywood. So I need to communicate them. Let's say a demonic insanity time. I'm very interested in encryption.

I need to hide my Norse indiscretions. That was part of the problem. I did have some Japanese clanging around my head because I was raised Buddhist. I went to Japan for a while. What is your... What are your paths in your crawl space? They're very Buddhist.

They're like, yeah, they're super Buddhist. My mom is a Buddhist, and my father is just a scream uttered into a volcano. My dad's... Yeah, my dad caught her by my dad. You described him as horrifying. But he's a very nice man. He's completely incapacitated. When I saw him he was laid up. He was very sick.

Still the most intimidating presence I've ever felt. Where do they live? They live in Orange County. And interesting. He looks like a bad guy from an 80s movie, kind of. He's just sort of craggly and veiny and everything about his face. He seems like the third to last guy to get killed in a Die Hard movie. He looks like he's been trying not to punch people for 40 years.

Yeah, genuinely, genuinely nice guy, but he's got a temper. That was what you were freaked out. He was screaming at my little brother about the vacuum or something. Oh, I got in there, and stuff that should have been a two got handled at a ten. Wow. He's like, you got to clean your room. And he's like, I cleaned it early. And he's like, that's been clean since we fucking moved in here.

And he's like, all right. What kind of Buddhist is that? That. Yeah, a white one. It's like, you know, it's like weed. They're not Buddhist. Right. I mean, Christians eat shellfish or whatever.

I don't... Everyone, you know, bends the rules. But yeah, no, it's like... They follow the Lotus Sutra. Like, I could say a bunch of words that don't make sense to you, but like... Yeah, no, I was... When did you first start going to like... When did you first start going to like...

My mother's a mental institution. I call it the hatch, the movie hatch. Yeah. When did you start going to the like My mother's a mental institution I call it the hatch When did you start going to the hatch 14 Interesting How long has your mom been 10 years My dad may be a screaming lunatic

But he's also a screaming lunatic With a good heart They were telling him you gotta throw him in a permanent place. And my dad basically said You gotta put him in dumb guy stories. My dad pretty much was like Yeah, fuck yourself. We're not doing that.

He could have very easily, multiple doctors had told him to do that. So you could still be locked up right now. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I think now I'd pass. I think now they don't have grounds to recommend that. I don't know.

I wouldn't be that confident. I want to be clear. I can see Tom getting a little. We're not going to let that happen. No, no. Dude, I'm happy you're not. There's no way I'm paying for that. We made a lot of merch with your face on it, so we can't have you get fucking locked up.

You guys are just sharpening on bars. I'm talking to the guy. I'm like, look, it's an inpatient facility. Now, can you work around his touring schedule? All right, let's see if we can draw Ramsey's face over Tom's. I'm glad you're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's all groovy.

Sounds pretty groovy. A disgruntled employee at a factory in Illinois retaliated to being laid off by opening fire at his former workplace. In a statement, his boss said, The robot arm we replaced you with could kill double that in half the time. We made the right call. The sailor in that iconic video. I mean, have you ever seen that iconic photo? Oh, the kiss at the V-Day.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The kiss. He's dead. At 95 years old. You know? It's crazy. And Jezebel's headline, Rapist Will Burn in Hell.

So... Yeah. No, that's the whole controversy that he looks like he's forcing himself on that woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did the woman say that? They interviewed her, and she's like,

yeah, I was just walking around, and this dude just grabbed me and started... Shut Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did what the woman said. They interviewed her, and she's like, yeah, I was just walking around, and this dude just grabbed me and, like, started... Shut up, you whore. You know what I mean? Like, that's not... No woman, every woman in bed

wants to be choked, fucked, beaten up, thrown against the wall. This is true. All my straight friends tell me that. They're all like, most women like it rough.

Don't most women like it rough now? Yeah. In my experience, yeah. Yeah, so, enough. What? women like it rough. Don't most women like it rough now? Yeah. In my experience, yeah. Yeah, so enough. What a weird hill to die on. It's not a hill. I mean, it's like...

Alright, look. I know you think you're going to a parade, but listen up, you dumb bitches. You want to be absconded? You're telling me that ruins your day? A hot sailor comes and fucking kisses you? You want to be absconded by a large man dressed like Daffy Duck? Connor, if you were walking around a parade and a hot sailor came and a large man dressed like daffy duck is really if you were walking around a parade and a hot sailor came and kissed you that would ruin your life i think

make tim's life to be honest it would be great are men roughing each other sounds like jealousy to me a little yeah okay it's all it's all genders kind of that varies i feel like i'd be intimidated to be rough with tim i'd be like i don't know i feel like i'd be very i'd be very delicate the crown would come after me if something you know i'd be very, I don't know. I'd be very delicate. The crown would come after me. I'd be very, very delicate with you. Well, yeah, he's the kind of white boy where if he goes missing, it becomes an issue, so you've got to really treat him well.

He's got a pink sweatshirt on. He put me in a big Mylar bag and tucked me away in a filing cabinet full of other similar-looking boys. I literally would have Connor in a tank. This is what I would have. Like Hellboy's friend. Exactly. I would have a home in Hancock Park. I think would have Connor in a tank. This is what I would have. Like Hellboy's friend. Yeah, exactly. I would have a home in Hancock Park. I think Beverly Hills is too

ostentatious. And I would have a tank downstairs and I'd have Connor in the tank. And I'd feed him Pringles or whatever he eats. He wouldn't know the difference. He wouldn't know the difference. And I would just come in to the tank, you know, and then we would have an experience.

Just putting on a snorkel to go inside. I'd get him little friends. I'd put things down for him, like maybe a little dog or something. Yeah, I got some Milano cookies and a Highlights magazine from my master today. I'd let him podcast. You could podcast. But I didn't put any of them out because he's just trying to send locations

and signals to where he is. Welcome to Tanks for Listening. Yeah, it's Connor McSpadden, naked, living in a tank. LOL. My sponsor yet again is my master Tim Dillon. Yeah, yeah. It'd be like I was an artist in the olden

days. You know, you just worked for the king. I'd just be podcasting. Just like, okay, that was a nice riff. Use promo code TELLMYMOTHERILOVER to get 10% off. That's so funny. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, guys, this has been a really high energy stuff.

And it's going to come right back in a second with more Mean Boys right after this. The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the house all that cold, wet day. I sat there with Sally. We sat there, we two. And I said,

how I wish we had something to do. Too wet to go out and too cold to play ball. So we sat in the house. We did nothing at all. So all we could do was to sit, sit, sit. And we did not like it.

Not one little bit. And then something went... How that... Made us jump. We looked. Then we saw him step on the mat. We looked and we saw him. A man who was fat.

He screamed as he jumped inside, shockingly nimble. And he said to us... Why are you staring at me? You know who I be. I be on TV. Hey, everybody, I'm Jimbo Kimble. Why are you staring at me? You know who I be. I be on TV. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, dang it. I'm going to show the fun things to you. Fun things for you.

You're going to learn how to do, like like, inside fireworks and sniffing the glue. But our goldfish said no. Make that man go away. Tell that Jimbo Kimble you do not want to play. He should not be here. He should not be about. We should not be here when your mother is out. Jimbo was shaken.

He shouted and rocked. Jesus fucking shit, that goldfish can talk. Calm down, it's a kid's book, the fish said in a voice calm and level. Shut the fuck up, Damon Fish, you were sent by the devil. Then Jimble Kimble, quick as a flash, jumped out the fishbowl into the trash. He then lit up a match and put that in the trash, till it burned and it burned to a pile of ash. Around that time, we got kind of frightened,

but Jimble slammed the door and pulled the lock tightened. Look at me! Look at me now! said Jimble. I said you're from the fish! How about Dimble? Now quit trying to run! We have lots of fun! I'ma hold all your shit all at once! Holding the cake! Holding the rake! Holding the snake! Why is there a snake?

Holding the plates! Oh no, they gonna fall and fucking break! Then Mr. Kimble let out a shout, while he somehow broke every single thing in our house. Sally made a break for it and went to the phone. You ain't supposed to call cops on me, you little kids. I'm grown. She dialed a nine, then a one, then one more, hoping the cops would come to the door. Hello, little girl. It's the police. What's the worry? She said. There's a crazy man in our house, so quick, please hurry. We'll come right away, little girl, but's the police. What's the worry? She said. There's a crazy man in our house, so quick, please hurry. We'll come right away, little girl, but I must warn you that you've been flippity-flam because I'm Jimbo Kimble, too.

Then he took off his hat and pulled out a box, a big bright red box covered with lots of big locks. In this box are two things I'll show to you now. You're going to like these two things, said Jimbo with a bow. So ladies and gentlemen, without a do-do-do-do-do, shut the fuck up and Sally let out a shout, as two tiny skeletons tumbled on out. The box was full of flies and decay, as Jimble said,

Oh, fuck, I forgot the freedom today. The other day before that. The other day before that. I gotta carry a fucking box on my head. I don't want it fat. Then Sally said, please, Mr. Kimball, just go. Our mother will be home soon, and I think we both know she'll be quite angry that you've ruined her house. So go on now, Jimball. Go leave. Get out. But that Jimball, he Kimballed till his Kimbler was sore. Then with a lurch and a yelp, he shoved the couch against the door. It's not a problem. I'm a good problem solver. He slurred as he pulled from his belt a revolver. He looked

through the people, his face all a twitch. This is my house now. Jimbo Kimbo don't fear no bitch. Anyway, you've seen the news, so you know the rest. The massive FBI standoff, the shameful arrest, and though Jimbo was sentenced to 300 years, Sally and I shed no tears, because one day he'll return, so I wait for his signal. But do i know well as it turns out hey guys it's the mean boys podcast uh and we're brought to you by himalaya everybody knows this they're the best podcasting app on the market today i feel bad because mr ear Ear's not here because his friend Tom had to go do a show in Orange County. Hang on. Someone's at the door.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, come in. Hey, everybody. It's me, Officer Podcast. What's up, Officer Podcast? I heard people talking about Himalaya in here. It's the number one podcasting app, and you have the right to remain a pod fan. Yeah, man. here it's the number one podcast nap and you have the right to remain a pod fan yeah man anything you say can and will be recorded and people listen to it and be like ah that's funny while i'm at

work yeah uh you're right about that i'm just reading you your mark maran maran der rights you get it it's like maran der rights but for that guy who does podcasts. Yeah, yeah. Officer podcast. No, I remember, yeah, from the podcast. Yeah, so Himalayas is that. Mm-hmm, baby. All your favorite podcasts are already on it. All your favorites. Every single one of them. Yeah.

Officer Money's podcast police scanner. I mean, Officer Podcast. That's my name on this one. Also, Mean Boys. That's really the one we should talk about. Yeah, we're on there, actually. You can give us a follow. You can comment on the episodes.

And you know what? I tell you, we're ranked, I mean, you are ranked 18th. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were very popular. I'm going to have to write you a citation because you're speeding. Yeah. Top of the charts. Yes.

Wow, I've not been able to finish a sentence in some time. Yeah, so, well, you can comment on the shows. Everyone loves commenting, because if your comment gets popular, you feel like a celebrity. I feel like a big man. Say things about our art. Go get validated by, go leech your barnacle to my back. What a great idea on Himalaya. That was good enough for Keith.

Yeah. Wow, Officer Podcast, that was harsh. Yeah a great idea. On Himalaya. That was good enough for Keith. Yeah. Wow, Officer Podcast, that was harsh. Yeah. Officer Podcast, I didn't think this through. Your voice, are you okay? Your accent's changing. Yeah, I'm all over the place. Alright. Yeah, you're goddamn right you are.

Whore? I don't play by the rule book. Anyway, so yeah, you can make playlists. Play by the Hollywood Handbook. My office podcast. Fuck. Oh, God. What's your favorite band? Is it the Joe Rogan Experience?

It's the police. It's a cop thing. I'm also an officer of the law. Of course. I forgot. So yeah, other apps don't have playlists. MLA does. Give them a download download the link to download

the app is in the description so frankly if you don't do it you're kind of a piece of shit is what you are so uh seems like a lot uh seems like excessive force baby what kind of a podcast pun would that tee you up for excessive force yeah uh i don't know there was a cop one. Two things. Yeah. So, guys. I'm sorry. You made it weird. Oh, hey. We got out of it. I feel like a real ID10T.

Is he still doing that? Okay. MLA, everybody. Give it a download. Quong. And the Mean Boys podcast returns quick reminder if you're listening

we are going on tour we're going to be all over the south and some parts of the midwest end of March early April go over to

meanboyspodcast.com all those tickets are on sale right now yep grab them up guys and we're back with a game I panickedly put

together this morning it's a game about two icons two of the gay community basically I'm going to give you guys a quote. You tell me who said this quote.

Harvey Milk or John Wayne Gacy? Oh, hell yeah. It was that easy. So we'll start. I know John Wayne Gacy's not the horse John Wayne. What did John Wayne Gacy do? You really don't know John Wayne Gacy? I don't.

I've heard him referenced a bunch, but I don't actually know who he is. What do you think he does? Yeah, let's do that. Let's start there. Well, was he a serial killer? oh yeah i wish you had another fucking that would have been so much funnier if you went another way yeah i'm sure usually it's pretty foolproof to ask tom what no what do you think the uh the lawnmower is and i'll be like is that to be like who's joe biden was he a serial killer tom thinks

everyone's john well john lincoln sounds like either serial killer or like carves boots for a living but i don't think you all are you thinking of dutch clogs is that what you're thinking well i found a tree and a whittled a pair of shoes they're uncomfortable but they're also very loud i think people used to carve boots. What the shit are you talking about? Isn't that, are they called, are they called what? Are they called cobblers? Isn't that close? A cobbler makes shoes.

Yeah, a cobbler makes shoes. With carving. Yeah, but think about what a shoe's made, a boot. That's a leather, right? I just love this is like, there's leather coming to big brick, you carve, Tom? I just love they're having a hearing at the hospital and the orderlies look at Tom's father and

Tom goes, wait, what are you, carves boots? Yeah, okay. Lock him up. Lock him up. Shock him. Yeah, we could edit this show down and just get you cuckoo nested real fucking fast. Oh, every podcast I've done is just so much, just lists and lists and lists of ways to frame me.

Every single show I've ever done. Do you have your own pod, too, other than this? I'm starting it up, but it's not out yet. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, here's a quote. Is this John Wayne Gacy or Harvey Milk?

Walt Disney is a mentor for me because I've always enjoyed his creativity. Ooh, that's got to be Gacy. Gacy. Serial killers like art, you know, and things like that. Yeah, not like the gay community. They hate art. Yeah, but serial killers especially. They always got some kind of favorite painting sort of a thing, you know.

I would say Gacy also. Okay. All right, so this is going to sound bad. Oh, I bet it is. What exactly did Harvey Milk do? I know he did something good for gay people. He was a city council member. He invented rimming.

He invented the tongue and ass. He invented rimming. He's like, why do we just fuck those holes? There's a George Washington carver of eating blood. Are women into that? Are women going hard at the ass? I heard that they are. Yes.

A lot of girls are into it. Eating ass is just very in vogue in general. And man, I don't know why it makes me so horny. It's like there's a glade plug in there that just dispenses sex pheromones for me. I've never done much with an ass. Yeah. Do you like eating it or being eaten? I like eating it.

I've had it eaten and it's too much pressure. I'm like, I feel too bad for you to enjoy what's happening to me. Your ass is not inherently worse than their ass, though. I just got a lot of hairs down there I don't really bother to cut. That kind of thing. How do you cut hair inside of your ass? On your ass you get clippers. Not in it.

I'm sure there's some hairs growing in it. But I'm not plucking them. I got that nose hair trimmer I use. Maybe I could put that in my asshole. Oh, man, this is gonna be how you die.

It's got different attachments, so maybe I could designate one as an asshole attachment. Everyone thought, like, maybe a car crash from a road gig or, like, you know, suicide because the depression

gets to him, just dies in an anal trimming accident. That would be the best way to go. We're just like, the guy who has to tell my mother, just like, your son, he, uh,

just trying not to laugh. That shaving is bungus. So Harvey Milk freed the gays? What happened? He's King Moses. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln. Let my people blow. What did he do exactly?

He was like a city councilman in San Francisco. A man on emancipation proclamation. Four score and seven queers. There was a city councilman in San Francisco. And he's like, oh, we should be able to have money or whatever. Yeah, it's not a perfect parallel. But think gay Martin Luther King and you're in the ballpark. Yeah, okay.

And the quote was, I like Disneyland. Yeah, basically. Yes. It was not at all the quote. No, but that's how I'm taking about 45 minutes to chew on this. I'm going to go milk. All right. That'd be John Wayne Gacy.

See what I tell you, man. Next one. If you believe you've lived your life the right way, you have nothing to fear. Oh, that's got to be Gacy again. That's too inspirational. I'm hoping that the game is all Gacy. It's happened before. Yeah, I'm going to say milk.

That'd be John Wayne Gacy. Okay. They always do have some quotes. Charles Manson, every once in a while, would be like, it's just about love, man. And you're like, okay. And he's like, I love murder. I fucking love it.

Gotcha. We get out of bed in the morning, and you're like, oh, well, you know, you got to find your passion. Yeah, just find what you love and do that. Never gets me out of bed in the morning. And you're like, oh, well, you know, you got to find your passion. Yeah, just find what you love and do that. Never work a day in your life. It's fucking sad that he's dead. Because you-

Manson? Manson's dead. Yeah, you always did like to think, like, it's funny that he's just still in there like, whoo, I'm writing crazy letters. There is something funny. Yeah, just Charles Manson being like, I saw that new Star Wars. Yeah. No, that was funny.

That was when I realized that the fucking really, truly God is dead is that Joseph Mengele saw Star Wars. Yeah. No, that was funny. That was when I realized that the fuck really truly God is dead is that Joseph Mengele saw Star Wars. And like once you like put together things like this, you're like, there's no justice. It's just a thing

we came up with to try to keep going. I don't know any of him seeing Star Wars and then being like, perhaps I could make a Chewbacca. Down in Argentina just shaving hairy women

and trying to make something. If I just could have Armenian twins, I think I could create them until we created a friendly Bigfoot so that would do my bidding. His little ranch where he rounded people up to follow him, it's only like 15 miles away from where my parents live. Oh, on the Manson? Yeah, yeah.

My sisters have gone down there trying to figure out which broken down building might have been his. Was it Laurel Canyon, that area? Yeah, yeah. I try to jump out of a convertible in Laurel Canyon. Why? Well. No, not Laurel Canyon. Different canyon.

The Graves Canyon. Laurel was my ex. The game is over. Tell the story right now. Laurel was my ex-girlfriend, and she had a stalker that wrote her a poem called Laurel's Canyon. I was thinking. Was it about her pussy?

It was just crazy. I'll tell you, if you're a stalker trying to fuck a lady, don't call her pussy a canyon. That's not as complimentary. Unless you're trying to fuck a whole planet. Oh, how I've missed your sweet gulch. Black star in Orange County. It seems like it's been years since I tasted your gorge.

Allow me to go knuckles deep in your moldy cavern. Black star in Orange County is where he got his, he made his little friendship buddies group and then they fucking, yeah, had their ranch down there. Well, Blackstar is like this canyon out in the middle of nowhere

down in Orange County where we're all from. And it was also like there was a burned down mental hospital out there. That I didn't know about. And the KKK used to meet out there. Well, that's so apparent.

Well, part of our, I thought Orange County was like Dana Point, Newport Beach. No, no, that's coasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Orange County is huge. But yeah, this is like off in the boonies, like in the desert. Yeah, yeah. No, they do get those fucking weird like Illuminati-ass rich people houses, like kind of between Irvine and San Diego, where there's just like, yeah, this is where we lived, and we just, we don't

want to be near all of that. Yeah. I went hiking down there as a kid. I just remember seeing, like, wow. Where's Coto da Casa? Coto da Casa is, so that's closer to Black Star. That's like a desert, right, kind of area? I mean, it's all kind of desert.

There's a lot of horse people. It's a lot of planned communities. Yeah, it's a lot of kind of strip mall, like where you go on the road. But yeah, Coto da Casa, that's where the horse people are. I got people. It's a lot of planned communities. Yeah, it's a lot of strip mall, like where you go on the road. But yeah, Cotter to Cossack, that's where the horse people are. I got you. It's funny. It's like the Real Housewives of Orange County, and then you guys are the two things I know about. One of the things I love about Tom is that you can ask him about complex geography of the Orange County area, and he knows immediately.

But if I asked you, where are your shoes right now? It would be a much longer answer. By my bed. Ah, well. Yeah. And in Orange County. You got lucky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What have I told you about calling it a bed? shoes right now. It would be a much longer By my bed. And in Orange County. What have I told you about calling it a bed?

It's more of a cot. Who else lives here besides you three? Three other nobodies. Three other people live here? Spencer and Max who are comics and then Devin who lives in the garage. Two more coming in.

Wait, two? Yeah, a guy's moving to the living room and then my girlfriend more coming in. Yeah. We got two more coming in. We got like a guy. Wait, two? Yeah, a guy's moving into the living room and then my girlfriend's moving in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a woman's going to live in that basement with you. I know. Are you worried about stepping on each other's toes? Not really.

I'm honestly shocked she agreed to it. She said she was moving down here and I was like, if you need to go find your own place while we figure shit out. She's like, no, I'll just move in the basement. I don't really care. We get enough people, our rent will be zero. Where is she from? She lives in Napa. Oh, interesting. Yeah, she's coming from very high class surroundings to here.

But she's not, like, super bougie or nothing. She's kind of like the working poor in Napa. Wait a minute. She's not super bougie? No, no, no. Hold on. Yeah. Hold on.

I want to get this through my head. I'm, like, an idiot. So she's dating you, and she's moving into the basement. Hold on. I want to get this through my head. I'm like an idiot. So she's dating you and she's moving into the basement. All right. She's not super bougie? Yeah. Is that what I'm... Whoa.

You know you want some red bottoms. Wow. Interesting. Interesting. You think you want some red bottoms. Wow. Interesting. You think you know somebody. Keith's girlfriend's uniting features, I think all of them would have bitten the head off a bat. If they were like.

They would have what? They would have bit a head off a bat. You know. I date a rodent eating class of woman. Kind of, yeah. That's sort of the aesthetic you go for. I think technically marsupials. Again. This is Ben Tom consults zoo books.

Tom read about this in the newspaper earlier today when he was writing his jokes. Wow. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, what's the next one? Yeah, we'll just do one more, and then we'll be done. Yeah, we'll do one more. I didn't think this went through a lot. More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason.

That, my friends, is true perversion. Milk. I've got to say that's Harvey Milk. That's Harvey Milk. Gacy said it, too. Yeah, I mean, I agree. Gacy said it with his actions. I know.

He was the one actually effecting change in his community. Be the change you want to hide in your crawl space in this world. He was a guy that had a simple dream, and he just wanted more people to lock their doors at night. And he really, I think he accomplished that. Big boon for the home security industry. Yeah. When ADT hired John Wayne Gacy, which I believe happened, they had a pretty simple plan. AGT?

Step one, strike fear. Step two, sell security systems. Yeah, that was his audition for America's Got Talent. Wait, what did you say, ADT? Step one, strike fear. Step two, sell security systems. Yeah, that was his audition for America's Got Talent. Wait, what did you say? ADT?

What is that? I think that's a security system. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, I'm trying to think

of another. It was all context clued there in the riff. Definitely stuff you could have put together. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But anyway, honestly good that you stopped it because it wasn't really going anywhere funny. Yeah. Yeah.

The Mean Boys Podcast is right back, unfortunately, after this. What's up? I'm the guy that's engaged to the girl you had a crush on in high school. Yeah, she didn't end up becoming a veterinarian. She does medical coding and billing. Yeah, she's wearing a lot of smocks these days. Yeah, we met right before she got fat the first time. Then she lost the weight and my head became more square.

And then we kind of just met each other in the middle. And we got engaged on closest holiday after I bought the ring. She still won't shut up about horses. Her thing with the guy, the one guy you sat next to in math class, right? Yeah, that didn't work out. I guess he cheated on her at a barbecue. Yeah, they had a pregnancy scare one time after they saw that play you were in. I don't think she actually meant anything by that look she gave you, by the way.

God, man, that pussy was tight back then. You should have seen it. Mind-blowing, NASA super material stuff. She went to one of your shows. She thought the guy before you was funnier. She never took that trip to New York

she was always talking about. God, do you remember those pink pants she used to wear? Guys, the Mean Boys podcast returns. It's time to answer your questions,

listen to your voicemails, all that and more in the Mean Boys mailbag, everybody. It in the mean boys mailbag everybody this week we got some people right in we got some voicemails on the line. Should be good. This one comes to us from Marcus Guerra. My wife said, just because you sleep with a girl once, that doesn't make them your girlfriend. Is this true?

What? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I don't know. It's a whole conversation being someone's girlfriend. How old is this person? I don't know. He's married years old.

It's been reported to me that if you lose it, you, quote, lose it. Is that? I think what this translates to, this person is not married to his wife. It's just some lady he fucked, and now she's afraid. He definitely looks pretty immature at the very least. You know, he doesn't look like. Yeah, he looks like an old 14-year-old. Yeah, I mean, that looks like it's definitely one of the first girlfriends he's had.

And he's like, yeah, I can't believe it either. You know? It also looks like it's a Photoshopped picture. It does. A little bit it does. Very Photoshopped. And even then he still had to be like kind of creeping behind her shoulder

like he's sneaking up on her. I would still in my wildest imagination be hoverhanding. Like in a perfect world I could get up the confidence to hoverhand a woman I'm fucking.

Yeah. Yeah. You're talking about like very weird like I think that's Islamic rule or whatever but I don't think that's

in general. If you're dating ISIS rules, then yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, this next one. This is probably a better conversation to start. What's the weirdest place you've ever woken up? Naked on a boat. How did that go down exactly?

Which one of us got who took Johnny again? Because this sounds like something that happens after you meet Mitt Romney at a fundraiser. I was drinking at a house party when I still worked at Disneyland. Everybody who works at Disneyland parties like a fucking maniac. Yeah. And I blacked out. I woke up in, I think it was Diamond Bar. Like one of those weird like nothing cities in California.

Oh, just the money laundering like warehouse towns. And I woke up in someone's boat, like parked in their driveway. And then when my friend's throwing rocks over the side of the boat, telling me had to go because the cops hadn't been called oh yes and i fought him on getting out of the boat for like a while yeah fuck man that's a pretty good one so that's mine when i woke up in that house full of scientology stuff after i fucked a 38 year old lady oh yeah did not know she was a scientologist at all until i wake up in the cold light of day i'm just looking around like oh there's a lot of dianetics audio cassettes that have been placed around that like certificates that say like i won the trivia bowl at scientology summer camp i'm seven years old did you ever get the mindset that she was trying

to recruit you or was it didn't come up okay i think she saw that i saw and was perturbed but we did not discuss it gotcha we did have sex in my Motel 6 again, though. So that was how I decided to handle that. Tom, how about you? The weirdest place you've ever woken up? Restrained? Yeah, I mean everyone knows the convention center. One time I woke up

outside of my classroom at like 10pm. What? How did that happen? I've heard of night school, but this. I walked back to school and then just decided to sleep there. Why did you do that? That's technically an answer to the question, but also gave me like no information. The school was open?

The school. Yeah, it's very easy to break into a school. You slap walked and then slapped broke into a school? So I was awake. It wasn't. Apparently I'm a night burglar. I didn slept broke into the school. So I was away sleeping. Apparently I'm a night burglar. I break into the school. California schools are mostly trailers. So I just drew.

He is right about that. What do you mean by that? I'm trying to. They're just portable buildings that you tow in and you drop off because they don't have the money to build the real building. Yeah. So it's just they own the plot of land and they just park fucking portables out there. Yeah, yeah. So I just kind of walked.

Like a construction site office type of a building. I just kind of had a mental breakdown, and I walked over there, and I wasn't really thinking. I woke up, and I was like, oh, this was – I should have slept anywhere else. Yeah. Yeah. Well, at least you got to – you were probably still late for class.

I didn't go to school the next day. No way you can even set yourself up for functionality or attendance. Yeah. I got there early. No one was there. This is on you. Hey, look. I went to school.

I just didn't go when you told me to go. Yeah. Yeah. You got to be more specific. How about you? You wake up anyplace? The weirdest place I ever woke up was in a... And this is true.

It was in a house that I don't remember buying. Literally, that's a fact. I woke up in a house and I'm like, what is going on? And everyone's like, you bought this house. I'm dead serious. I mean, I remembered, it all kind of came back to me, but I was seriously hung over. And then of course I remembered it.

I'm like, yeah, of course. But I was seriously hungover. And then, of course, I remembered it. I'm like, yeah, of course. But I was so fucked up. This was like two days after I bought the house. I was so fucked up that I literally woke up and I was in this strange place. And I'm like, where am I? And the people are like, you're in your house. You own this house. The weirdest place to wake up ever will always be in the future.

It's always a fucking jarring. Well, it's every day we wake up. Yeah, right. Well, no, that's the present. If you black out and you lose eight hours, it's a more abrupt shift from... No, I mean, but like... The last thing I knew, it was 2 p.m. Is that what you're saying?

Losing like a full day or month or something like that. That's a big one. It's jarring. It was jarring. Yeah. I don't think sleeping so much as a coma. Right. Yeah, but you know you did things because people will show you the photographs and drawings.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. Did you keep the house? I kept it for a few years, sure. Yeah? Yeah, and then, I mean, it got foreclosed on, but I had it for, like, two years. You know you're partying too hard when you're on such a bender

that you're closing escrow. Yeah. I'm realizing it. You know, but, I mean, it was, you know, it was 2007, baby. Everybody was doing it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The bubble. Yeah.

Yeah, I watched that movie with Christian, was it Christian Bale? Say Christian more times. Yeah. I saw the movie. Who's that again? Muslim Bale? Yeah, Batman.

Batman collapsed the house in a bubble. Yeah, Bane Robinson. Yeah, he's in a prison and he does so many push-ups they give him a house. That was a pretty good one. All right, guys.

We got some voicemails here. This one looks pretty depressing. Hey, moon boys. This is a pain. I have an interesting dog story for you guys. Today after Valentine's Day, I just woke up this morning. My best friend is a professional veterinarian, and I'm going to leave names out because client, patient privileges.

But I will tell you, this story takes place in the Midwest, the deep south Midwest. So that kind of gives you an idea. And I want you guys to ask yourselves, is this real or fake? So like I said, it's the day after Valentine's Day, and my best friend, who's a veterinarian, leaves me this text message and I just want to read it to you. He said, someone called into the clinic this morning saying that their dog was actually, what he said was after we told him and upon further talking to the client, we found out that the dog was stuck to his

mother, human mother. He said that the mom was on all fours and naked and the dog at Doberman mounted the mother. The dude, I believe the son, came home to find them tied up. we told him that in case that case called 9-1-1 and he kept just saying no no just help me no no cops i pray that

if not that is a horrible way to spend valentine's day getting fucked by a dog i mean now that is a interesting way to spend your Valentine's Day for sure. I have to say that it sounds like a worst case scenario than what Keith had to do with his dog fucking stories. Although Keith does look like an adorable pit bull, if you will. And, you know, some chicks are into that. Thanks guys, fuck everything God has done are into that. Thanks, guys. Fuck everything God has done. Unbelievable charisma, first of all.

I like that he started to get to the point and then backtracked to add more unnecessary facts. He's like, well, I really got a bad lawyer this story up. First, let me get into dog law in the area. I'm so confused by the logistics. So I get a lady got fucked by a dog. But I know a cat's dick has spikes on it that it gets stuck in there. So a dog dick, and I wish I didn't know this for a lot of reasons, but when they come, the head of it just goes and knots up, so it just gets stuck in there.

What? Yeah, it basically gets lodged in for like 30 minutes. So this was the first time she was fucking the dog? I guess so. I mean, Valentine's Day seems like when you break them off a piece. I was not really. You get the special peanut butter. I thought it was going to be something cool, like with aliens or mutilated animals.

And it was not. It was just somebody fucking a Doberman. Somebody was tied up in this story, though? Yeah, why were they tied up? Because the dog's nasty. Was the dog tied up? I like that it's not enough for you to get fucked by a dog. You also got to bring BDSM into it.

Well, there's not another person there. That means one of two things. Either one, there's an intruder who did some terrifying shit. Or two, this is a really good dog. What's the idea of you're going to be all tied up? Boy, go get me a towel. Lassie, wipe me off and then let me out of the restraints. Yeah, there's no safe word that says a dog can't fuck you while you're tied up it's true tim do you know what happened with

keith and the dog no we haven't told this story in a while it's been a hot minute uh i was dating the girl and uh she came at me it was like i have like a new thing i want to try like sexually i was like yeah sure whatever and it was kind of porn she liked and we uh we started hooking up and she turns the porn on and it's just this r Russian sorrow factory and just like a lady in track pants like bent over. And then the German shepherd walks in and this dog just starts fucking the lady. And that's what she was into. Wow. The track pants is a detail I didn't.

You said it was a Sbarro factory? A Sbarro factory. They make breadsticks in dog pornography. Is this the marinara or the dog cup? What did you say? I said sorrow factory. Oh, gosh. But yeah, and then she wanted-

What is a sorrow factory? It's like a factory that makes sadness. Sbarro, that's what it means in Italian, is sorrow. Yeah, but then she was like, yeah, she wanted me to like fuck as fast as the dog fucked so that like she could pretend I was the dog, I guess. Man. And I couldn't. Like the dog was in better shape than me.

Yeah, the dog's a German Shepherd. Yeah, so that's become kind of a bummer story that's followed me around for a while. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I would be turned on by dogs fucking. Yeah, I wasn't into it at all. Yeah. Have you ever gotten down any kind of weird porn

where you're like, why am I fucking, why is this doing it for me you know um i'm trying to think if like really weird um like lacrosse players and like gear but is that weird i don't think that makes a ton of sense i coached high school girls lacrosse for like seven years i don't think that's the kind of lacrosse players Tim was looking at. Yeah. Gear, sports gear type of stuff. Okay. Yeah. So you want to pick someone up in a minivan and give them some gummy bears and kind of just like, okay, now.

I want to and have. That's so funny. I made one guy that came over. I made him a sandwich. He was like 19. Okay. I think. And I'm kidding. I made him a sandwich. He was like 19. Okay. I think. And I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. He was. He was. Relax. He was 19. I made him a sandwich. It was weird. And then I blew him and I ate his ass in my grandmother's room.

And then she and her friend got back from church. And he was like on the porch. And I had to pay for his cab. That was a good time. That was a good time. That was a good time for him. He got his ass eaten in a sandwich. Yeah, I love eating a nice, like young, fresh ass.

Like an athletic ass, you know? Like a nice ass, you know, that you can really get aggressive in and just kind of really just, you know. Resilient because it's young and powerful. Yeah. You feel like you can do some damage, you know? Yeah.

It's really if you're a very petite woman, it's like, well, you don't want to be too aggressive because it's like you want to collapse this bitch's lungs. If you've ever eaten an ass and you said yourself a bad choice. Yes. Yeah. But enough about Jessica. You would be the worst Andy Richter sidekick. We're just like, yeah, and they're saying that that's what she said.

And you're like, is this what we're doing with our time? Is this what we've decided to do? I would not be. Oh, sure. Fine. Yeah, yeah. Who is Jazzy? Is she a comedian, too?

Yeah, she's a great comedian. We're going to see how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth. And it's like, oh, is that going to fix Venezuela, Jimmy? I've never seen what this girl looks like. She looks like a hot raccoon, you know, like a kind of a foraging critter.

Charming badger of a woman. Exactly. Yeah, like a possum, but like foxy. Foxy possum. We'll do one more voicemail and we'll call it a day. All right. Let's see what this guy has to say. Long-time listener, first-time caller. I just thought I'd drop in a line for once. I was listening a little bit ago to the Keith's mom episode,

and you had mentioned in the intro to that that nobody who listens to the show, like everything was going all right, and the Mean Boys just put a cherry on top. Well, I might be one of those cases. Everything's going great. And then I started listening to the Mean Boys, and it put the cherry on top. Oh, thanks, man. So anyways, I finally got a little bit more cash flow, so I finally subscribed to the Patreon.

Really looking forward to that sticker pack that's coming up i already know what i'm gonna do with the uh ramsey cloud rights attorney sticker i'm going to take it to one of the no smoking signs on my campus where they're like no no vaping no tobacco no bullshit like that and i'm going the numeronic vapes right on there. Telling people to call him for vape rights. So I guess the question I had was, what is your favorite case of public sign vandalism that you thought was funniest or whatever?

Thanks for doing what you're doing. Keep rocking and rolling. Looking forward to hearing the next episode. Thanks. doing what you're doing. Keep rocking and rolling. Looking forward to hearing the next episode. Thanks. Oh, thanks, man. I don't think I've ever seen a funny sign. Vandalism? So I don't have a signed vandalism,

but I do have a story that happened this weekend about a public sign. I'm going to leave some details here vague. Yeah, this is a good idea. So I did a show in this kind of like mountain town in the middle of nowhere. And on the way up there, we passed this billboard that was like, missing girl, let's call her Jen Smith. And it was like this teenage girl had been kidnapped like months ago. And then you're driving every billboard. It's just missing girl, missing girl, missing girl.

I'm like, oh, shit, this is gnarly. We get to the show. We do the show. It's this rowdy redneck bar. Afterwards, this lady comes up to me and she's like a super hammered drunk kind of soccer mom energy. And she's like, man, you guys are so funny, and thanks for coming. I needed a laugh because, you know. I love how soccer mom energy is an old black man.

Look at these soccer moms. Oh, Lord. You boys was good. I needed to laugh. Thank God I dropped my kids in soccer. I'm a soccer mom in the mountain town. Crazy. Anyway, she's like, Lordy, Lordy, it's me, a white woman.

No, but she's like, I cannot even and I could not even yesterday. But she's like, yeah, because my daughter got kidnapped for it. Oh, fuck, that was her? Well, at first I'm like, you know, shit, I'm so sorry. I'm like, I'm glad, you know, we could make you forget about that for a couple hours. But then I swear to God, she stops and she just goes and this fucking town everyone here thinks i killed her but i didn't kill her it was probably her dad yo this lady killed her kid and then she goes can you plug the the the site to find my daughter on that pod show you do and i. And I was like, yeah,

and we're not gonna do it. Dude, that fucking rocks. It was fucking gnarly. You met with the white trash version of the Empire guy. That's Casey Anthony, baby. When I was telling one of the other guys on the show, he's like, oh, she's full on Casey Anthony status.

Everyone thinks that I killed her. And now you got to do the math. How long do I keep talking to this murderer? Because they might buy some merch. Here's the best part, too, is like not only was I living in that town, I was just talking to OJ every day. Like, yeah, we're going to go find the real killers. We're leaving Sunday.

Don't worry. And that seemed to be kind of the energy from some of the bar regulars. They're like, oh, yeah, her again. Like, they really do think. The best part, too, is while I was talking to her about that, her friend is, like, aggressively hitting on me, which is a lot of weird energy from two different directions. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm just like, I don't want to fuck you, and I don't want to know what you did to your body. Wow, dude. Well, that's the podcast for this week. What a great way to go. Yeah, what a nice way to end on. Tim, thank you for stopping by. Thank you, guys. I really appreciate it. It, what a nice way to end on. Tim, thank you for stopping by. Thank you, guys.

I really appreciate it. It's the highlight of my trip every time. I always ask my agent manager, can you please get me on the show? They're like, no promises. We'll try. And every time it's come, it's been a dream come true. And I just want to thank you three personally, not only for having me on the show, but for doing the show. I listen to every episode.

Yeah. And it's my favorite podcast. And I love it. It's great. You know what I like is you really brought a lot to the program. Energy-wise. I bring as much as I can at any given time, you know? Sure, yeah, yeah.

And, you know, I try to conserve my energy for some other things. I think you might have pulled something, if that's the case. No, I mean, you know, I think I did a solid six here, which is what I came to do. You know, I think a six is appropriate. You served up a nice base hit, even despite the fact that it was beneath you, which I found to be big of you.

No, well, I appreciate that. I mean, you grounded out, but you ran all the way to first. Yeah, please. You know what I mean? Exactly. I'm glad you said all those nice things, because I thought you were having a horrible time. No, I enjoy it.

No, I like this show. If I didn't listen, I enjoy it. I think you guys are funny. You guys are. Not today, but in general. It's a great show. I think you guys, I like seeing friendships, you know? Most people in this try to succeed,

and I like seeing people that don't. I really do. I really do. I mean that. I'm around a lot of sharks and a lot of people that are really trying to do something

in this business. Oh, Luis Gomez would sell you down the river in a heartbeat if it meant 10,000 more downloads. But that's why I love Luis. But it's nice to really, it's a change of pace

to just see people that are really committed to the idea of friendship. Wow. Yeah. What a really insulting way to come in. It's a nice thing. I. It's a nice thing.

I think it's a nice thing. You got to see Tim in his element. Here, I mean, he's doing us a favor. Go listen to Tim Dillon's Go to Hell. Tim Dillon's Go to Hell is a show about nothing really. But please enjoy. Let's call it Rape Theories, the podcast. Yeah, that's exactly it.

Kind of what it boils down to. All hate crimes are fake. Tim Dillon's going to hell. Yep. Those are the great drive time billboards. Yeah, so go check them out. Check him out on the road. Tim J. Dillon on Instagram, Twitter.

Thank you. Yeah, Tom, you got some tour dates coming up. You're going to Canada. Yeah, March 14th, Yukon, Canada, Yukon Comedy Festival. Come on out to that. That'll be fun. I'll plug all my shit in the intro. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. As for me, man, nothing really. You know I'm coming to Reno. It's in your calendar already. So you don't really. You can come see me and playing in a band with my father at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano. Opening for, and guys, get a hold of this, the guy from Dishwalla. Wait, that's where You're doing it

Yes Ah that's where You said day drink With my ex-girlfriend Wow Maybe Tom will come out We'll take it full circle But yeah you can come

To see that I think I have things To do that day Ah well we'll figure it out Later I think Would be a good time Yeah yeah yeah Alright bye everybody

Bye I'm out.