Mean Boys - EP 185 - A Child Called Clit (feat. Kerryn Feehan)

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Our Spring Tour dates are live now at meanboysodcast.com Listen to Connor and Jessica's new podcast, Existential Crisis: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/exist…d1449291796?mt=2 Go to Now Is Not The Time live at UCB in LA on 2/26: sunset.ucbtheatre.com/performance/67372 Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest Kerryn Feehan on Twitter: twitter.com/kfreehams Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Mean Boys podcast. Oh, yeah. Back again with a brand new episode with Karen Feehan, one of our favorites, returning to the studio. What a delightful human being. She's wonderful, yeah. Wildly shitty, too. I know. Well, she loves it.

She thrives off of it. That's the thing. She's like one of those flowers that has to grow and poop, you know? That's most flowers, I think. Yeah, a real lotus blossom, you know? But if you asked- Buddhist-ass flower. Black and milds in it for 500 years, they gave it a nice patina.

So she's great. Follow all of her shit and her comic and stuff. All that's linked in the show notes. And, guys, within striking distance of our next iTunes review go, when we get to 500 iTunes reviews, we will be tasing Tom at a live show on our upcoming tour. Yeah, we will. The Honor will go to whatever city has the most pre-sale tickets. So, you know, snap those up. They're all for sale at MeanBoysPodcast.com.

More about that in a second. But right now, we're at 467. That's only 33 away. That's close, man. No, no, no. Thousands of people listen to the show. So, I mean, just 33 of them will have to make an account to see Tom coursing with electricity. Yeah.

Seems like pretty worth it to me, you know? Yeah, it seems like a great, yeah. Are you telling me we posted Tom gets electrocuted, you wouldn't watch that video? Yeah, and it seems to have picked up more traction, not from the Mean Boys fan, but more so the tasing communities, because this guy says,

I'm just here for the tasing, five stars. Funny stuff, sorry, buddy, but you got to get tased. So he means business. You guys get down to it. No, this is my idea. I'm hoping I can get tased and then I can come again. That's actually how. Here's what we want to appeal to.

The anti-Tom community. I'm sure you must be out there in the shadows. I've met some of you. I've seen the looks as you guys talk about how great Joe was. As you make eye contact with me. No, when the show used to be more gay and smart. Dracula-esque. So that's going on.

The spring tour dates are locked and loaded. We're going all over the goddamn place. Keith, hit them with those cities. We're going everywhere. We're going to fucking Houston, Austin, Dallas, Kansas City. Technically not Dallas Plano, but shut up, it's Dallas. Yeah, it's your fucking Dallas Plano. Kansas City, St. Louis.

Your mama named you Bruce. I'm going to call you Dallas. Dallas Jenner. Yeah, it's your fucking Dallas. Shut up. Kansas City. St. Louis. Your mama named you Bruce. I'm going to call you Dallas. Dallas Jenner. Yeah. Sounds like a weatherman. Actually, pretty cool name. Dallas Jenner. St. Louis.

Indianapolis. Cincinnati. Nashville, Tennessee. Jacksonville, Florida. Doing a show in a house. Yeah. Wow. We live in one of those.

I don't want to brag, but we sold one ticket to that show. That'll be a first for Tom, being in a house that he's invited to. Orlando, Florida, special matinee show before WrestleMania. Yes, so don't worry about missing it. Atlanta, Georgia, everywhere you guys wanted us to come, we're coming there. We're very excited about it. We're doing it. We're packing our bags.

We're getting T-shirts made, all this fun stuff. Lots of cool shit going down there. I have a lot of fun ideas for things that we can do with you guys. That made it sound like we're gonna go eat a kid i call the feet we got a patreon page helps us keep the lights on around here because we are again just three unemployed men living in a crack house so if you could throw some shekels at us uh like uh like a circus monkey we'd appreciate it can you know it's a pretty good deal because five bucks a month you get weekly bonus content, another hour of Mean Boys in your life every single Thursday morning.

The one of this week is really cool, actually. Tom is potentially starting another new podcast. Everyone's loving it. I've been seeing way more feedback on this than any other bonus episode. Even the oral history of the Wiener Mobile, which I thought would break the Internet. Yeah, no, I'm doing a new podcast. It's a little bit more serious. It's a little different light where I bring in a guest, and they tell me about their experience

leaving a community whether it be a religion, a gang, whatever. And the first sample episode's up and you can check that out before it is up to the public on our Patreon, on Mean Boys Patreon.

If you're interested, it's called Leaving the Tribe. I'll have more info on that in the future. Yeah, and 10 bucks a month we got a sticker pack coming down the damn pipes. We got the new logo,

glossy, 3.5 by 3.5 square to adorn your favorite accessory. Real sexual, real purple. Throw that motherfucker on a water bottle and hit the gym, you know? And be like, man, that guy likes some kind of gay band, I think. Yeah, they seem like they'd be do music that's in a Diet Coke commercial. Yeah, they're real into fuchsia and Korgs.

We got a Vito Powers White Power Pizzeria sticker, and of course Ramsey Badawi Vape Attorney His business card now available to stick on things Yeah Spread the word about the vape rights community Yeah that's all going down Follow us on the socials, Twitter, Instagram

Every single episode is up on YouTube And we just, last night we stayed up late and shot A very fun new project That Mr. Tom Goss has put together So stay tuned for that on the YouTube page. It involves all the weapons he got in the mail. I'm not going to give anything else away, but

it's called Big Chopped. So enjoy that. Get ready for that. And check out the Discord channel. There's a lot of fun conversations going on about anything and everything. So if you ever thought, I wish the Mean Boys talked more about building Gundams.

I bet you could find someone on there that would love to discuss which Zaku to invest in. And the Reddit, of course, where you can share an article that sounds like it's about Tom, but it turns out it isn't. And fun stuff like that. Or pictures of your guns that'll be downvoted by other people that don't like guns

and commented on by people like that. You can tag Opie in it. Yeah, you can do all that stuff. You know, see Ramsey trying to get people to watch his stand up videos. It's a great place. Speaking of which, the day this drops, there's a live Now Is Not The Time at the UCB in Los Angeles. Grab your tickets for that. UCB Sunset.

Yeah, the ticket link is in the show notes. So, yeah, come see us. Ramsey's putting together a good show. He's real excited about it. And it's time for him to do it up big with Now Is Not The Time. So there in the show notes. So, yeah, come see us. Ramsey's putting together a good show. He's real excited about it. And it's time for him to do it up big. But now is not the time. So this is the big debut. This is going to be a good one.

We're stoked. That'll be fun. Come hang out at that. And I think that's just about all the business out of the way, guys. Yeah. Karen's great. We had a great time with her. That episode's coming at you for you to enjoy right now.

Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Hand jobs, because you're about to be divorced. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A pregnancy scarecrow. Just hang out on a farm, and if somebody comes to steal the pumpkins, you're like, I'm keeping it, and they disappear.

Yeah, she's protecting all the crop tops. We'll play and see Karen Feehan in the trap tonight. Oh, man, back in the studio, one of our all-time favorites, Karen Feehan, is here. She has to do this podcast. Oh, you asked us? Yeah. Oh, you are unwell. Months ago.

I know. I know. I planned this. I'm like, I can't wait. So excited. All my Instagram stories. Yay. For the listener, I do want to point out, Karen said maybe the meanest and most accurate

thing. She walked into our house from outside and she just goes, oh, it's such a different scent. It really is. You guys have cultivated this wonderful odor. If you could bottle the smell of this house and spray it around your house, no more stray cats. It would frighten off animals.

It's going to be frightened against the alluring smell of Karen's pussy. To stray cats, that's like a Glade plug-in for them. That's why your paint is peeling. I was trying to figure that out. Oh, that's what happened to the table. Yeah.

I knew she was here because a few nose hairs fell out. I had to make a wish. I have my period, too, so it's like a real rampant. I feel like you rarely aren't on your period. That's just my attitude. All your blood is period blood. Really. Like when I nick my labia

when I'm shaving my vagina, that's period blood too. Well, no, I'm saying if you went to the Red Cross, they'd pull a bag and they'd be like, there's chunks in it. How did that even happen?

Like you get a bloody nose and you're like, ah, I gotta get a tampon. What's her blood type? Extremely negative. Right. Her blood type is just dead womb. I bet Karen's pussy does

look like Voldemort's nose. No. It doesn't. I have a gorgeous pussy. Yeah. And I didn't realize it until like recently. But I started watching that show Botched Up Bodies. Oh, okay. Holy shit. This one lady had like... For some Fitspo? Seriously. Yeah. This one lady, they

took her labia, cleaned off both Majora and Menorah. She looked like she had a butthole with a clit. Oh, fuck. Dude, I know. And then she got fillers in her lips. So she plumped up her pussy with silicone. She got infected. Oh, no.

This doctor sent from heaven, God bless him, fucking fixed her pussy. But it was all oozing and popping out. I was like, this is great. It's like's like a dr pimple popper bogo well that's that's great you have a better pussy than her i think you should be very proud honestly it's perfect i never realized that i was born with it shut so then and now it's like perfectly symmetrical so it was in mint condition for years it was your pussy came sealed like a haunted cave like all the time nobody should be ashamed i think it happens like two 2% of women.

It's called vaginal fusion. You're born with like your... And that's when it's Thai food and pussy and you put it together. That's my favorite food truck in Koreatown. It's just a clit with peanut sauce. There's a greasy Brazilian in there too. Just one slow night for you.

How did it open up? I'm getting old. Naturally or did like Gandalf say a secret word is Gandalf my dad in this analogy to fuck Karen you have to

you have to put both hands on a staff and strike the ground and summon lightning and bats say the elvish word for this is our

little secret so when did you when did you learn to start liking your pussy because I know you know since i've seen some i'm sorry until you watch but it was after you watched a bunch of medical disasters that you're like i'm actually great yeah i like how that made you go well mine's perfect it doesn't have a roofing cock inside of it no i guess there's like this whole thing

with like a lot of women have like one labe longer than the other and I guess symmetrical labes. Soon you'll be walking out the door One lip is fun Like I've never seen a pussy where I'm like that's unacceptable. Right, right But you can definitely tell. But I've never had like pussy confidence before. Yeah. You know it's like this extra thing I didn't know. Oh I could brag about

this too? Great. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah check these lips. Right. That's tinder line one. Right. Like, I'm gonna start saying, like, I have no tits, right? I'm like, hey, listen, you should see my pussy. Listen, fellas, my tits are down here. That'd be funny if your pussy lips were fatter than your

titties. That would just be a nice problem to have, I guess. Silicon Valley? Yeah. So it's like, hey, check this out. Number one, the pussy is banging. Number two, zero back problems. You're not gonna have to listen to have, I guess. Silicon Valley? Yeah. So it's like, hey, check this out. Number one, the pussy is banging. Number two, zero back problems. You're not going to have to listen to me, bitch, on a long day at the museum. Because number one, I'm not going because my name's Karen and I hate learning.

Do I work at the museum? Cool. Who would ever give me that job? I feel like Karen will take you to a CVS and be like, it's close enough. I feel like if you work at a museum, you're just pointing at paintings of women and calling them ugly. I feel like that would be the move. I'm just snorting freeze-dried ice cream. You've got to try it.

Key bumps of Dippin' Dots. It's fun. Oh, man. So you're back in L.A. What have you been doing on your trip so far? Are you enjoying it? Hanging out. I just got here on Friday.

I've already sampled two of your finest equinoxes. Oh, God. Of course. Yeah. Like a flame to the moth that is a mildly irritating white woman. Oh, yeah. I love Santa Monica. Now I can take pictures of my ass someplace warmer. LA is great. The lighting here is wonderful.

And like Santa Monica, there was like I was welcomed by a lot of like 50 plus ladies, like older ladies. Oh, my God. This makes me feel good. This is nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Town one today. Nice to just, you know, just really living it up with that eucalyptus towel wiping my bloody pussy. Yeah. Nothing like the exfoliating feeling of a minty leaf on a bleeding cash. You know, that's what you want. Some tingle to go with the blood. So you really feel what's going down.

That sounds like, imagine cutting your arm, like your hand, like making food and then putting Burt's Bees all over it. That's what that seems like.

I just went in the steam room and just bled. Oh wow. That's a fucking power move. Bleeding in the steam room. Like a human steak. Like you're just fucking Japanese

barbecuing your own vagina yep Korean barbecue I was looking around like this is my teepee now motherfuckers did it make the steam red that would be pretty cool

yeah I made like my own little like blood and river people walk out and it's like is Daft Punk doing a set in there that's weird

well the devil's Bellagio water show is happening oh man I'm a horse of many colors I threw a quarter in Karen's pants and I made a wish. You got three, bro.

I never even heard it hit the bottom. It was amazing. I got nothing but lip. A quarter in your butthole. A quarter in your butthole. It's like when you try to put a broken quarter in a laundry machine. You put a quarter in a butthole and then you can look through the telescope for five minutes before it shuts down. You put a quarter in a butthole and then you can look through the telescope for five minutes

before it shuts down. You put a quarter in your butthole and then wish to be big. You poop out 75 cents like, oh, I forgot about those other guys' wishes. That's crazy. What's the crowd like compared to the New York equinox? Is it the same sort of breed of douchebag or is there anything you notice different out here?

You guys are just like slower moving douchebags. Oh, yeah? We do take our time out here. Oh, God. It makes me want to rip my fucking eyeballs out. Because we have a little something called cars. Right. And now these things are great. Yeah.

It's like a bus, but you can pee in there more discreetly. Why do cars make all your Starbucks employees retarded? Like, what is that? How does that? They're all retarded. Hi, how are you? What did you just say to me? Make me a fucking coffee.

They haven't figured out how to roll the windows down, so there's a lot of heat damage going on. Yeah, I'm here and I'm talking to you. I'm bad is the answer. I know. I'm trapped. Every time I go to New York, I get horny for the efficiency of New York. Right? Because out here, it's just everything takes forever.

Right? You're like, God, but I don't even know when I bought that. Oh, yeah. You go into a Panera Bread and they're like, what the fuck do you want? You're like, oh't even know when i bought oh yeah you go you go into a panera bread they're like what the fuck do you want you're like oh yes thank you yeah i was in and out of a carl's junior or uh fucking arby's in like 45 seconds it was amazing i was actually i actively seek out businesses with no customer service because like the starbucks on sunset by the house there's like hey and how are you i'm like no we're not we're not doing this is not what we're doing that's why i love going to like. Jamal.

That's why I love going to Vietnamese restaurants. I was talking to Rob and Tran about this. In Vietnam, they don't give a shit about customer service. Oh, they'll just rub your stomach and call you fat and serve you rice. A real pho place is amazing. There's like, suck my dick. I'm smoking while I'm cooking. Here's your soup.

Get the fuck out of here. And it's great. Yeah. I don't have to tip. They don't have to smile. Everyone wins. My favorite thing that ever happened with you is we ran into you on the street we're walking to the stand and within 8 seconds you have gotten to a screaming

fight with a guy who did nothing he asked you for the time and you're like time for you to stop being a fucking faggot and you were like oh alright wow you're like I reiterate yeah we started walking to the stand and there was a guy doing pull-ups, like full pull-ups.

And you just screamed, you call that pull-ups, you cunts? And then we just kept walking. One time, I was like, I think I must have been drinking. That's, like, fun for me, like, to do when I'm drunk. Oh, it was fun to watch. Yeah. Like, I guess I used to do, homeless people, it's my favorite. But I guess Micah told me one time I walked by a guy and I was like,

you're too ugly to look at me. I just, I don't know. I'm wild. I shared an Uber with you and you immediately started shouting the wrong racial slur

at the driver because his radio wasn't very... See, that it's not racist. Well, yeah, you said, and I'm floating here, fix your stereo,

you said, fix your stereo, you dumb Mexican, to an aggressively Indian man. All right, to be fair, how am I supposed to know the difference? Look, the poop smells the same after you eat the food. That means close enough in Karen's book. They're all tanned sitting down. Yeah, I'm kidding. Karen has never read any book.

No, no, no. What was the last book you read? Oh, my God. That's such a good question. I mean... The rest of the panel. I'll read like half a book. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I won't complete one. I read... What did I read? I read like the Bill Hicks autobiography or biography. Okay. Half of it. Yeah. That was probably the last book I read.

Oh, no. I read like some book about child abuse. What was that called? Oh, and The Power of Routine. That's a good book. Yeah. That was probably the last book I read. Oh, no. I read some book about child abuse. What was that called? Oh, and The Power of Routine. That's a good book. Okay. Is that a chapter from the child abuse one? No, no, no.

That one's something- You got to keep hitting them so they know. That's the trick. It's about consistency. Yeah. Be the fear you want to see in your kid's eye. That's from Child Abuse. Oh, my God.

I backhanded my dog the other night, guys. This is what Karen Seeter promoted her new project, A Child Called Clit. Oh my God, I backhanded my dog the other night, guys. Which is why Karen Suter promoted a new project, A Child Called Clit. We cannot gloss over, I backhanded my dog. What did you say and why? Why did you pimp slap a dog? I bet you have a great reason. You know, it's her money. By accident.

Okay, it was totally accidental, but I was going to throw him his stick, and I don't know, for whatever reason, I was real hype. So I'm like windmilling it backwards. What, you hit it with the stick? Holding my hand so yes I guess technically I salted him with a stick Tom thanks for making it work. I was the one who did it I clubbed your dog like an Irish cop in the 20s

Yeah you Rodney King the dog Yes yes yes He was like more. He wailed He wailed in pain He has like those puffy like chihuahua eyes anyway so when you pop one of those things, they swell up real fast. Yeah. You know how you pop

your dog's eyes all the time and everyone knows how that goes? You know chihuahua eyes are like gremlin. They're like stuffed animal eyes. They don't know how to blink. Reminds you of anyone sitting in the room right now? Son of a bitch. Oh, Blinky McBlinker.

Well, I have a new name. Little Blinky. So yeah, fucking backhanded the dog. Then he started snorting. He was sort of asleep, and then every five minutes he was like... I was like, oh my god, I collapsed his nasal canal. Wait, you were playing fetch with the sleeping dog? No, this was later on.

Oh, okay. I watched him suffer. That would be fun. Karen is drunk and the dog is asleep. He's like, no, we're fetching pop. I do it because I love you. You hit your dog so hard it got to sleep after.

Yes. Well, you hit it to Keith. Yeah, he turned into a twitching, badly breathing machine. Yeah. And then the next day I went to LA. Now the dog is just losing roast battles all the time. Writing short stories no one's ever going to read. This dog is in rough shape. Oh, shit.

So, yeah, what's left on the agenda in L.A.? Where do you have to go be seen, you know? I'm recording a podcast after this, and then I'm at Flapper's tonight, and then Spot in the at Flappers tonight. And then Spot in the Belly Room later tonight. Cool. Yeah, that's fine. And then I'm at The Friend tomorrow night.

And then I'm leaving. The Friend? Yeah. My friend Teresa Lee has a show there. The bar is called The Friend? What are we doing with bars? What a lonely fucking city this is. I'm not going to drink out at Hug.

Yeah. I think it would be good to have a bar called The Divorce. Right. What are we doing after The Divorce? That's good. Yeah, yeah. You should open one. That's smart.

Yeah, I think it would be good. I think it would be fun. You just make it, you know. I like a dark bar, like low music. You know, like a secret back room for like special man crying. Yeah, that's what I think of when I hear secret backroom. Yeah, you know, cocaine sweet. Yeah. You've screamed to me about bars with like kitschy names

like that. Yeah, I don't really like them. He said a divorce would count as one. Right. That's a good one though, you know. Sort of like counter. I feel like your bar should be named after the street it's on or an animal. Those really the only like acceptable oh yeah just put a color in an animal yeah okay blue condor sure that's a place i'd drink yeah the purple crow why not

yeah exactly yeah but enough about karen's pussy the purple crow scavenging for shiny things um how many creepy dudes do you get in the DMs every day Karen because you do post a lot of booty pics and things like this you have one of the thirstiest Instagram accounts

of any comedian thank you so much but it's also a nice you do and you're just old enough where the fact that you're conceited is empowering

and I think that is great right it's like anti-ageism yeah yeah you're like oh what she does it's technically brave. Brave.

You're the Ruth Bader Ginsburg of look at my dumb butt. She does bar. She does bar classes. She's in good shape. Really? Yeah. She has little weights. Why do you know that?

Because I'm weird. But no, I do get wonderful messages from fans. Bar classes for Karen is when she lets a foreign man describe the plots of movies to her while she waits for them to be able to take advantage of. Yeah, so is there a lot of them? Yeah, you know, yeah. And I guess I do wonder about my safety. Like, if there was a guy who offered me seven grand to sleep with me, and I'm like, all right. That's a good deal.

That's a great deal. That's a good opening offer, you know? Yeah. He said six to seven. Like, what am I going to do? Yeah, was that performance-based? Right. I think it's somewhere along the lines,

like via this line of questioning. I was like, I don't do butt stuff. It's like, all right, so we'll stick with six grand. I was like, oh, that's great. The secret shopper, secret fucker, gave your customer service score an eight, so that'll put you towards the top of the scale, but you're not going to quite hit seven.

If he's offering you a ratio, it means he's going to pay you in Monopoly money. It should be a straight up number. If he said 10 grand, I'd be like, I bet he's full of shit. Yeah. But seven. Which is so specific. It's like he has it.

He's got that. Yeah. Right. Like someone in his family died and he got a chunk of inheritance. My mom would want me to fuck this stranger. Let me fuck this old funny bitch on Instagram. I want to fuck my favorite disgraced gas digital host. Fuck you.

I want to do the gash digital. There we go. You should start a competing podcast. I literally just like, I'm going to do that. I'm going to start my own network called Gashed as Digital. Well, and digital also is double meaning because of fingers. They're digits. They're your digi-doos.

Yeah, and you can make a parody of their logo, but it's not a gas pump. It's a guy doing the shocker or something. Doing the pink, one in my asshole. Yeah. Yeah, rhyming's for girls. Two in the stink, two in the stink. Two in the crow, one in the purple. Two in the stink, one in her dog's eye.

Oh, my God. You just have a chihuahua's eye for an asshole? You're like Sauron. It's like, yeah, I can't hit it from the back anymore.

It's like looking at Steve Buscemi. Well, I blinked first, so I think I'm going to die in seven days. I didn't read the, the tattoo on her back

was in Latin, so I didn't, I got the gist of it and it seemed threatening. Yeah, what, don't you have a new podcast or something like that?

No, but I've been lucky enough to be on Chip Chipperson's podcast. Oh, yeah. I've seen that. You've become quite a fixture over there. Quite a fixture. Quite a regular. Which, wow, what an abrasive hour of comedy that must be. Goodness.

It's the highlight of my week. It's so much fun. I love it. I love Chip. Chip's the greatest. Yeah, how are those fans? Are they like real? Again, top tier gentlemen.

Really? They're in their sucker suit wearing fucking. Wow, so classy but racist. That's the demographic you want to go after. I mean. Money and problematic. That's the beautiful. That's the supply and demand graph meeting right there.

They got cash. Do money and hate. Yeah. They got cash. Money and hate. They got cash. Okay. They got exactly six grand. Some guy was driving around really coked up around L.A. last night sending me messages like, hey, I'll do anything you want. He sent me like 50 bucks.

I was like, cool. He's like, can I just come and kiss your foot and I'll bring you food? And I was like, no, I don't need all that. You can send me another 50, though. Wow, dude. What a sweet racket. I can see you being like a financial dominatrix. Yeah, but it's all fading away.

I'm trying to hoard all the money. I'll give you it for $2. Yeah, well, it's like being an athlete. You can only do it for so long, and then the demand dries up. Yeah, Karen's ass is really the Tom Brady of Venmo. Caritas? Super Bowl champion. It keeps winning, but it's less impressive every time.

Yeah. Really, the kicker won your last ass bowl. The ass bowl. Enough about her pants. It's steamy down there. What is that? What is this scent? Steamy.

Steamy? Oh, yeah. I did make breakfast, and I couldn't finish it. So some of that's in the trash can. You're smelling some of my ghetto potato breakfast. Oh, wow. Your sneakers would make me think you were doing okay. Yeah, you know, that's the thing about sneakers is, you know, they trick people into thinking you've got it together.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Spent a lot of money on the shoes, not a lot on, like, soap for the house. Some sort of cleaning product. Well, that's why you steal it from hotels. I told my family that I'd steal the hotel towels and I'd use them to clean up kitchen spills

and they looked at me like I was smoking crack. They were just like, Conrad, those belong to the hotel. People have been stealing hotel towels forever. I'm like, Mom, I promise you, Best Western is fine. There's no law that says you can't take the hotel towel. Well, there is. It's stealing. Karen't take the hotel towel. Karen wants kids.

Well, there is. It's stealing. Karen wants kidnapped a child for a, and I'm not kidding, an Almond Joy. So I think. I fucking love Almond Joys. And I hate children. You would like that terrible case. It's a win-win.

Here's what's fucked up. I don't know if that was a joke or not. No, I just made it up. But that's true. I do fucking love Almond Joys. You killed the kid before you wrote the ransom note. They were never getting it back. I wouldn't give a shit.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? No. I mean like not really. I've had some periods that were like does that have a pulse?

Comes out like Wendy's chili. I think that was a little finger. I think there was a teeny tiny little finger in there. Why does it look like

the beginnings of a dreadlock? Whoa. Wow. Free bleeding out of fucking zygote. Cool running down your legs. Oh, fucking cruel runnings. Wouldn't I be so funny pregnant?

I feel like I'd be like, I'd forget every night when I went to sleep and every morning I'd wake up and be like, fuck everyone! I'd just be a miserable, chubby bitch. Yeah, and I mean, it's like, I feel like there's not enough skin, like, on your body for your tits to even get that much bigger. So you would get no benefit from it. Yeah, no, and I don't think that this body can fully take a baby to term, so I have

to take it out early and cook it somewhere else. Yeah. Right? You'd have to put it in storage. Drop it in a cooler and be like, go, go, go. Give it to a frightened postman driver. No, this one's medium rare. This one's medium rare still.

Karen's running through the air. A few more minutes on the grill. Karen's jogging through an airport with an igloo. Leaving a snail trail of blood and disease behind her. This is my legacy. Stopping for more ice at the Sbarro Express. Throws it just in time out of the conveyor belt of the airplane.

It tips over and a guy making $12 an hour scoops it up. You'd be a fucking hysterical mom. I mean, not for the kid, but in general it'd be pretty funny. She'd be my mom. I almost think you should be a mother just for the movie that your kid would write about you someday. They'll be so abused.

Yeah. You could bum a kid out into being a pretty good artist. It's true. Yeah, for dinner she gave me one of the wet naps she used to clean up Jamal. I thought it was going to be like a Summer's Eve joke. These are Mommy's private napkins. Yeah, a little bit of Mommy's special tonic water. Yeah, I think I'm just trying to figure out how I could make money off my kid as soon as possible.

Oh, you'd get him in the audition circuit. Like a stage mom for the Gerber band. Yeah, like the Clintons, whatever they used to do to kids. Get her outside girl or whatever. Get him into that. You're just going to mail this baby to Jeffrey Epstein Island and be like, I'll wait for my check. Seems like a solid income stream. Yeah.

Well, I got him chipped and then I sold him to Epstein. So, I mean, just like the ones that didn't make it before, you will be a solid streamer. Only call me if you need me. Selling your kid into sex slavery, that's kind of like buying a Redbox franchise. You know, it's just passive income. It's a good investment. It's a turnkey operation. You know, stand-up comedy is. It's a good investment. It's a turnkey operation. You know, stand-up comedy is tough.

You want to start planning for, you know, the worst-case scenario. Right, right. Just on the phone. Have fun at Forever Summer Camp. Yeah, exactly. Do you guys think they give them, like, a check up front, or is it like a rent-to-own situation?

What do you guys think? It's a good question. Or the parrot. I think somewhere around the time they burn the fingerprints off, you probably lose some sort of voting rights within what happens. You know? Yeah.

Around that time, you know, as soon as they've started sewing the animal parts to the child, then maybe. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. After it's got a cheetah tail. Is that a real thing? No. No, they don't do Island of Dr. Mer- I mean, maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. They definitely could. Is this one of your fancy books? No, they don't do Island of Dr. Mur- I mean, maybe. I don't know. They definitely could. Is this one of your fancy books? One of your big city books. Full of them learning words. Books, or as Karen calls them, gay movies. Yeah.

Yeah. It's funny. You almost have a whole career on just being an idiot just i i feel like you're you almost act as the giver but for sexism you know you're just like every i'll take all of it yeah i'll suck it all up and then i'll fly into space and save the earth like one of those russian monkeys yeah i read that book what uh which what's the russian monkey book i don't know or in and Peace? I know. Yes. I was about to say,

pretty sure you just fell asleep with Pornhub autoplay on and thought... I feel like you looked at the cat in the hat, read nothing, and were like, I think I know what this is. Yeah. It was like the color purple, but it was color red. Okay.

Is that like when Oprah plays an Indian woman? What are we doing? Yep. Nailed it. Color red? Yep. Hilarious. I'm so good. I got it. The color red? Yep. Hilarious. I'm so good.

I got it. Colors are different. On fire. Yes. Just unstoppable. Hey, it's called momentum. Yeah. Get over it.

Yeah. Yeah, so is that a weird kind of space to occupy within comedy where it's just pretty much, I mean, I don't know. These are hard-hitting questions.

Don't make me evaluate my person. Oh, no. I don't know. I feel like I don't want to be part of the problem. I mean, look, no one has a better time calling you a whore than I do. See? You were writing down new old-timey insults to call Karen last night.

Like Eminem preparing for the rap battle. Call her Pussy Mom Spaghetti. See, what an abundance of content. Yeah, you know, just when guys are rummaging around in your fish muffin, do you ever think to yourself? Rummaging around in my fish. Her pussy's just like a big... The hole from Roger Rabbit.

Yeah, like a single mother's purse. Just, it's got to be in there somewhere. God damn it. Why are there so many gummy bears in here? Yeah. Oh, a quarter. Never put half the granola bar in. It's just coming out crumbs.

Well, yeah, thanks for getting to the bottom of my hard-hitting journalism question. I mean, I feel exposed. Oh, I don't know. I wasn't trying to. It wasn't very vulnerable. Gotcha. I was just, you know. No, what?

Like, you know, I work out all the time, you know, so why not show my hot body? Yeah. What's wrong with... I like looking at bodies i like looking at girls bodies i'm not oh sure yeah but like i like looking i love instagram hoes i think they're the most wonderful phenomenon that's happened in this world it is nice that it's like you do realize like polio vaccine the internet instagram botch it is like it is like a full-time job being hot as shit you know what i mean right like pete That's something that, honestly, you probably wouldn't want to do all that shit.

You know what I mean? It's really not worth it unless it's worth it to you. I feel the same way when people shit on Instagram models as I do when they shit on boy bands or sort of like a Justin Bieber where it's like, if it's so easy, why didn't you do it? Right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, yeah, you eat an egg and a leaf every day, and then you work out for nine hours,

and you have to dip yourself in eight different creams. You know, it's like that's not... And the reward is, like, why you get a lot of money, and you get to go, like, to Ibiza and just work out there. Yeah, yeah. You get to be hungry all over the world, you know? Look at all these highlights I've been tired on. It's the tired festival.

Yeah. I got a montage of you looking sleepy. At one point, you're with the kid on the sex island. You're like, whoops. I'm just trying to keep my brain pushing. I want to get stretched out on bigger and bigger boats. I want to be just really de-elasticized on a yacht. I just want to get gaped out by an Israeli billionaire.

Oh, gaped out. Oh, man. Gaped out. Oh, man, did I gross you out? I don't know. I just thought of a bunch of pussies like a tent city. Like, gaped out. Like a FEMA camp.

Yes. I imagine Karen's pussy's so tight it's kind of uncomfortable. You know? Like, it's like steel in there, you know? Especially when you're fucking me, I'm staring at you like this. Making it sound like an in there. Yeah, especially when you're fucking me, I'm staring at you like this. Making it sound like an RC car. This is okay. It's me, a defensive gerbil.

Pound my tiny puss. I'm seducing you. Are you hard yet? Like, ah, no, I'm afraid. Yeah, I don't know. It was pretty cool until she bit me like a possum

defending her young. Then she started eating raw chicken while she made direct eye contact with me. Oh, man. And said, it's better for you like this. I'm putting protein in it. Just baby burning you on purpose. Yeah, I'm doing a salmonella cleanse. Just spitting chewed up food at you.

Wow, man. So I would be a good mom. Yeah. Yeah. When do you think you're going to have to stop posting booty pics? Are you doing this into the 60s, you know? You know what? I saw a burlesque dancer the other night who's in her 60s and who still has a fucking great ass.

Oh, I believe it. Yeah, the ass you can really keep going for a long time. You really can. It's the face. The face and the tits blow out at some point. They do. And that's just nature. Yeah, I mean, the tits, I mean, as long as I don't Well, you got small tits, so they're gonna honestly

hold their value better. Yeah. You know what I mean? They're not gonna hit the belly button. No, no, no. They're gonna hang out up there. For sure. Well, because Karen doesn't have a belly button. I had that removed. She's built a terrible lab. She came on here in a meteorite made of Doritos and used condoms and needles. The Doritio, right?

She was kind of conceived in space. Karen is actually the Venom symbiote. She's pretty much Ziggy Stardust, but for spreading Hepatitis B. Now, she's got five years. Hepatitis beautiful. Hepatitis beautiful. What does Hepatitis C stand for? Hepatitis beautiful. Hepatitis beautiful. What does hepatitis C stand for? Hepatitis cool, man.

Nice. And A? Hepatitis A. Hepatitis all right, all right, all right. Phonsititis. Phonsititis. Oh, yeah. He worked with Brutus

to kill Caesar I saw I was reading a gay movie the other day and I said I was gonna say is he quoting Shakespeare

now I know because you do your burlesque show I do so do you like know a lot about burlesque are you into the world

I should right you should I don't know I know some shit but it seems like that's one of those things where I got

I think there's like 80 guys that are just into it enough where they just reluctantly keep it all afloat. Yeah, but there's a big festival in Vegas. There's like the Burlesque Hall of Fame. It's been going on for so long. It's different. East Coast Burlesque and West Coast Burlesque are very different. Here, you guys are way more dance-focused.

No punchlines. That's true, though. I'm serious. The, you guys are way more dance-focused. No punchlines, you know. That's true, though. I'm serious. The New York chicks are funny. They'll, like, jerk off Twinkies and, like, pull out tampons and squeeze them in a wine glass and drink it.

You know, funny. Yeah, that is funny to be honest. There's nothing that makes more hilarious to me than the very self-serious burlesque dancer who's like, it's not a sexual thing.

It's an art form. I'm like, calm down. I'm about to tell you a story with my boobs. I'm like, I get it, you're not a stripper, quote unquote, but like, chill out. Here's the story I saw. Wow, look at him. That was the whole events that I absorbed.

It took a while, but I got to see most of them. I wrote a review of your act. This just says cool areolas. You speak outer nips, bro. Wow. Miley Cyrus has huge areolas. I saw you tweet that, and I don't know where you saw her tits, but I want to see them. She did a Vogue spread.

It's sick. It's amazing. But she posted on Instagram, and I was just mesmerized by the size of these areolas. They're beautiful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're really big ones. Every once in a while, you're like, okay, all right. Oh, yeah, I like it.

It has like this youthfulness about it. The colors perfect. Oh, yeah, it's got like it's taken up real estate. Yeah. I like its presence now. I like pretty much every size.

Like Miley Cyrus, it's not afraid to be itself and sort of take up room on the cultural landscape. I think she's going to answer your email now, Keith. Dude, Miley Cyrus is the most fuckable

human being in the world. I want to suck Miley Cyrus's dick. I know. She's stuck with Liam Hemsworth. What a bleh. Enjoy hotter Thor, you dumb bitch.

Not fat enough for me to be honest with you. Yeah, you could have the ninth most successful guy who lives in this house. You ever see those nipples where the actual nipple part, the protrusion,

is just so kind of large and hard, it's not even sensitive anymore? It's like a toe. Yeah, the nipples where the actual nipple part, the protrusion, is just so kind of large and hard it's not even sensitive anymore? It's like a toe. Yeah, the nipples are like, hey, what's up? My name's Mike. I'm hanging out on Ariel today. That happens when some girls get theirs pierced. Oh, I could see that. The scar tissue and everything.

Yeah, but sometimes you get this big-ass nipple and you're like, it's like I got the end of a Nathan's hot dog in my goddamn mouth. Well, the rest of the body is just like a soft, nice lady. And this is just like a hardened ex-con. I'm just trying to get my kids back. I'm doing curls with milk jugs full of sand. You have a teardrop tattoo on your nipple? That's amazing. Yeah.

Just a fucking buff gangster. It's wearing a bandana. Smoking a cigarette. Y'all still rep the Crips, but I'm bang no more. What's the most fucked up dick you ever ran across? I mean, just like your chode. You're like chode. Oh, yeah. Just like way wider than it is long.

But it was also attached to like a guy who worked for UPS, so it was just bad all around. Wow. So there's what Brown could do for you. Not much. Not much. Not in the poop shoot. No. So there's what Brown could do for you. Not much, evidently. Not in the poop shoot. No. And you're like,

get this guy. Let him wear slacks because the shorts, you don't want, that thing's not popping out. Well, it showed, it seems like the worst for the butt. Yeah, oh yeah,

it's not even going in there. That's the worst of both worlds. Oh, because you're like an anal fan. No, I mean, I'll do it. I'm like, all right, I'll let a guy come in there if I'm done.

Because I actually am pretty quick to orgasm when I do. Oh, that's nice. So I, but I'm like, all right, I'll let a guy come in there if I'm done. Because I actually am pretty quick to orgasm when I do. Oh, that's nice. But I'm also very quick to want to go to sleep. Yeah. You come like a dude where you're just like, I'm done. Why are you here? I feel like you finished fucking a DMV employee clocking out of a 12-hour shift, and you're done.

It's 5.01. Suck my dick. I'm not filing anything. Yep. I am in my Ford Pinto, and I am chain smoking. You can get your registration tomorrow, because Karen's going home. Howdy. Peace.

Bye. Take a number. It's a middle finger. Fuck you. Guys will roll over to cuddle me after we fuck sometimes, and I'll just be like, get out, get out, get out, and i'll just be like yeah like your whole body is equipped you like do not touch me you're just like peeling his hand off and it's like you keep that one buddy that's for you yeah i got a queen for a reason that's your side the irony is that yeah you're providing what every dude thinks they want which is like oh girl who fucks like a dude and then like we don't know what to do when it happens. Right.

You're like, but where am I going to? I just have to poop. Get out! Yeah, I feel like you're not doing a lot of reassuring. You know? And you're like, so did you come? And you're like, I don't know. Figure it out.

Bye. If you've got to ask, the answer's no. Yeah. I've never had that. Who was the most put put off like was it didn't any guy get really sick look i'm just i really feel like you're not uh you know acknowledging my uh i feel like you've made a guy cry yeah i've made a few guys yeah i was gonna say it's been more than one that's fucking great i made a guy cry in duane reed i had to

walk away from him in duane reed oh shit Oh, shit. Yeah. And I just was like, he started crying. And whatever I was going to buy, I dropped it on the floor and I walked out. I'm like, we are not doing a crying in Duane Reade. We're not doing that. Think about how devastating that was. That guy still thinks about that. You know? Well.

That guy cannot walk by a Duane Reade without getting a little choked up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that guy's a Wal a duane reed without getting a little choked up yeah yeah that guy's a that guy's a walgreens man for the rest of his life because of what you did to him you remember what you said that made him cry or is it the problem was i was like kind of dating sun chips are those for your boyfriend something like that probably i was kind of like dating three people at once and he was like the first one to get cut. I was like, we got to lose one of these. Oh, man.

This is becoming a problem. So you told him why you buy groceries? You showed up with two. I only have two sponges. All right, bachelors? Right. I think he wanted me to buy. We were there because we were kind of talking.

He's like, well, why don't you buy some stuff that you can leave at my place? And I was like, and then something was said, and I was like, no, this isn't. Oh, yikes. Oh, man. I think I was excited about then something was said and I was like no this isn't yikes oh man I think I was excited about like free moisturizer at the time kind of going through

but at what cost and I was like alright I can't do this to this guy that's the worst that when you like you have a plan you're like

oh I'll let this person down easy at a good time and then they just force your hand and you end up like dumping them somewhere terrible

you have to hurt their feelings it sucks it's their fault they make you I did that with Brandon I had a good plan and I end up like dumping them somewhere terrible. You have to hurt their feelings. It sucks. It's their fault. They make you. I did that one. I had a good plan. I ended up dumping a girl at three in the morning in front of an open mic in Chinatown.

Oh, brutal. I remember that. Oh, yeah. I was there. Yeah. Yeah, me too. That was a rough time. Oh, brutal.

And then I was like, do you want a ride home? And he's like, no, I'm going to walk, you know, listen to the pretenders, feel some stuff. That's 100% what I had to do. I'm going to go look at the big city lights and, you know, pretend I'm in to walk, you know, listen to the pretenders, feel some stuff. That's 100% what I had to do. I'm going to go look at the big city lights and, you know, pretend I'm in a movie about a fat guy that disappoints women. I wish that wasn't 500%. That's exactly the conversation we had. And then the girl I was dating, I told her, I was like, yeah, Keith just broke up with his girlfriend.

She's like, oh, no. And she bought him a pizza. And he gets home and he's like, well, I don't like that this is what the gesture was, but I'm not going to not eat the whole pizza. Yeah, I was wildly offended and pretty excited about a pizza. You were ready to binge eat at that point, I'm sure. Yeah, at that point. Yeah, just folded it like a big taco.

You just wadded it up and ate a dodgeball made of pepperoni. I've always been the other person that just forced it. I just want to get it over with. What is that? Where do you just jump up like that? Because I've been the other person too. Because you can sense when somebody's pulling away, right? Yeah, and I don't play games. Just fucking tell me. Don't do this

weird song and dance for three. Just let's get it. I'm like, wait a minute. Don't tell me until I can fuck one of your friends. Let me wind up some revenge dick first. I've got to send four yeah. I'm like, wait a minute. Don't tell me till I can fuck one of your friends. Let me line up some revenge dick first. I got to send four texts. Right. I need a soft landing on your friend's dick. Yeah.

I need to come over during a kickback. Get some numbers. Yeah. You're really true dating like you're selling cut cone knives. You know anyone else who's just trying to upgrade their kitchen? Just pass me their information. A, always. B, B, C.

Coming on your friend. She's not really a homie hopper because at 50 years old her knees aren't what they used to be. Right. She does slide. She's not a homie walker. Yeah.

Nice. Well, this was fun. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back with some games and some questions right after this, everybody. I'm prepared.

This summer, you have a choice to make. A friendship hangs in the balance. You can save your best friend's life, but it will cost you your dick.

Holy shit, dude. My dick or my bro? Dick or bro? Dude, please. Lives will change. What do you mean

we shouldn't hang out anymore? Well, I mean, we had a sexual relationship. You knew that I wasn't looking for anything more serious and now, well... Well what? Well, you, uh... Have a clit with balls? Is it because I have a clit with fucking balls, Karen?

Do you think I forgot that inside of my pants for the rest of my goddamn life is a big set of balls with a fucking clit sprinkle on top? Yeah, no, I remembered. Yeah, yeah, and all to save the life of a guy that uses my shampoo and calls me gay when we play Xbox. Tensions will rise. Bro, I can't give you my dick. Yeah, and why is that exactly?

I gave you mine and your fucking life back. We used that Ouija board together, man. We both took the risk, and you ended up being the unlucky one. Okay, yeah, so for the rest of my life, it's going to be like Full Metal Alchemist, except instead of a robot suit of medieval ghost armor, I get a clit with balls. Bro, Corey, let's not make this harder than it has to be. Yeah, I'm not worried about anything getting harder, and that's part of the fucking problem, Chad. Deals will be struck.

Ah, so you've returned. What do you want from me, mortal? I want to get even. I think that can be arranged. A D for a D, coming this summer. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. I'm joined by my sidekicks, Mr. Ear and Officer Podcast. Oh, there's a new one.

Officer Podcast was always. Oh, there's already two ears. Yeah, well, there's one Officer Podcast. I like that Mr. Ear is insecure. He's being replaced. Yeah, this is like I kind of only got this one job, you know. Well, you know, I'm Andy Kindler and this is my JFL State of the Industry speech. Don't fuck this up for me off as a podcast.

Before I throw you in the skeptic drunk tank, maybe you could pass this field examination. What is Himalaya? Himalaya? Wait, why are you questioning me? Because I'm a cop about podcasts. I don't know. It seems like if you wanted to keep your job, you'd read the ad copy. Dude, I have my own laws.

The laws of sound. Mr. Ear, shut up, officer. I've never seen Mr. Ear get so upset. Wow, Mr. Ear hates the police. My territory. Mr. Ear is in Antifa. My territory is sound. And what better way to experience the beautiful landscape of sound than podcasting? And what better place to listen to those podcasts?

I'm going to need you to follow this pen with your eyes. I'm going to need you to walk in it. Then Himalaya. I'm going to need you to walk this idea in a straight line, please. Shut up, money. Himalaya. Who's money? I'm the officer of podcasting podcast himalaya podcasting app

what a great interface all of your all of your favorite podcasts are on there all of the good ones they they filter out the ones you don't want to but they got some real real some real money on calm down with that attitude on WTF. Whoa there, fella. Mr. Ear here. Yeah, I go to Himalaya to listen to- Whoa there, fella, with Mark Mormon. Mean Boys podcast all the time. You can make playlists. You can tip.

It's a better- It loads faster than other things I've used. And I've used all the things. I'm an ear. You've used everything And I've used all the things. I'm an ear. You've used everything. I have everything of sound. Name everything. Everything.

I don't... I feel like I'm stuck in my kid's school play right now. I was just going to be Keith, but then Officer Podcast got summoned. I thought that'd be... Yeah. It's good. I'm trying to come up with another pun that'll jump off his thing. You should subscribe to us on Himalaya.

Does we actually, or not we, Mean Boys is charted very high on that app. It is. That is how unpopular the app is, is that we are, look, it's underground. All right? It's new. It's like downloading Himalaya now, it's just like seeing the blondie at CBGB. You're ahead of the curve. I looked at the Himalaya charts, and this is true. the blondie at CBGB. I looked at the Himalaya charts and this is true.

Mean Boys is beating Ben Shapiro pretty hard. Wow, hey, how do you like that? First we beat Richard Spencer's Patreon and now we're beating Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro was the president. I don't know names. I just hear them. Mr. Ear, big fan of Himalaya. Well, guys, don't be an ID10T.

Go download the Himalaya app today. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Just a reminder for everybody who skips the intros. We are going on tour. End of March, early April. March 28th, Houston, Texas. March 29th, Dallas, Texas. Then we're also going to Austin, Texas.

Here's where we're going. Houston, Austin, Dallas. Kansas City, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Nashville, Jacksonville, Orlando, Atlanta. Get your tickets now. Meanboyspodcast.com. Yeah. Whatever city has the most pre-sales, that's where Tom will be tased. Yeah.

So whatever the demand decides. So if you're in one of these towns, go snap them up. If you leave the iTunes review. Because we're getting up there. We're not going to tase yet. No, I'm going to do it for the right amount of iTunes reviews. We're close. We got like 33 away.

That's striking distance. If we don't pitch in, we can tase Tom. Yeah, if we get to 500 iTunes reviews, we're going to tase Tom on stage. Amazing. That's how we make the show look more successful than it is, is we leverage our own bodily safety. We got to find another taser because last night I was washing the sledgehammer and in the process forgot the taser was in my pocket. So now the current taser is possibly out of commission. But we'll figure out that later.

Yeah, washing the sledgehammer is Karen's signature sex move as well. No, that's what she calls it when she douches. Washing the old sledgehammer. Yeah, you got to clean up the equipment. You talk like you, but your pussy talks like a construction worker from a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Hey, listen, your pussy's whistling at dudes on the street.

Karen has a front tramp stamp that just says put the money in the bag. I hate it when I get cunt called. What do we got, Tom? Alright, we have a fan-submitted game from Josh Coleman. Hey, Mean Boys, greeting from the UK. Like a lot of your fans, I'm a troglodyte shut...

What is that? A troglodyte. Troglodyte. Read a gay movie, dumb shit. Yeah. Even I knew that, and I'm an idiot. It means like a Cro-Magnon man, like a caveman. You know, like a mongoloid is another rude word for it.

It sounds British as hell. Troglodyte shuddered with no social skills, so I watch a lot of professional wrestling. I know you've heard some which of the followings on this topic before, so I hope I don't repeat anything that comes up. Anyway, I'm a loser. Wrestling is fucking weird sometimes. Here are the questions. Wow.

I like these mini little, like, these confessionals. Yeah, these little preambles. You know, it's like, hey, Mean Boys, yeah, the government recently stole my cat. And you're really the only thing standing in between me and blowing up a post office. So I watch a lot of anime for children. So I thought you guys might enjoy it. Anyway, I'm running out of insulin. What's your favorite episode of Dragon Ball Z?

Exactly. Hey, Mean Boys, please don't misinterpret this as a cry for help. It's totally a cry for help. Here's a game. Hey, three unemployed guys, the darkness is closing in around me. Is this a cat or a murderer? Oh, yeah, if you guys want to send us games, meanboyspockets at gmail.com. Why wouldn't you after that?

Yeah. If you want to get shit on by a bunch of fatsoes and some slice, then how about you cook up a little content for your boys? Call me a slice. You're a slice of a lot of stuff. All right. Pie. A tall drink of calzone.

Cake. That's what I am. A tall drink of hot dog water. There we go. So round one, second jobs edition. These are often in the past wrestlers, characters, gimmicks that were just what jobs they did. I'm just stop reading.

Read out loud. Here are the options. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So which of these was not a second job in? This game is called Watch Tom at a Seizure. Yeah. All right.

Hey. Tom wants articles that have trigger warning letters. of a seizure. All right. Hey. Tom wants articles that have trigger warning letters. Trigger warning, not a picture of a ghost. Oh, no, not another cue.

A, sparky plug, a NASCAR driver. So there's like wrestlers who have second jobs. Yeah, which one of these is a fake second job? Okay. Valvinas,

a porn star. Levi Tate, second jobs. Yeah, which one of these is a fake second job? Okay. Valvinus, a porn star. Levi Tate, a magician. Duke the Dumpster Droz, a garbage man. I just got the Levi Tate one, and I'm very angry. I'm going to say the magician, because I feel like wrestling, you'd break a finger at some point, and it'd fuck up your magic game. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and as far as gimmicks go, all those other ones seem like things that wrestling fans would also enjoy uh-huh i don't think any rest anyways

like i love two things hulk hogan and close-up man you think wrestling people are also like i also love garbage yes yeah because most of them live or work in it fuck did i tell you guys last week about when i met the dude with the hook hand no tell me right now no i was getting the sandwich right and i walk in and this guy i end up starting up a conversation with this dude with the hook hand. He makes a joke about it, and I was like- Is he the guy who works there, or just the guy who's there? He was the guy.

He was also waiting for a sandwich. Okay. And I was talking to him in the chat in a little bit, and I was like, if you don't mind my asking, what happened? He's like, oh, yeah, no, of course not. And he's like, yeah, I actually tried to finger Karen Feehan. It ate like a Venus Y-trap. What a long ramp you built yourself to make fun of her pussy again.

I know. You're saying it got bit off, but I envision it as like my pussy's just like the dip. Yeah, yeah. From Roger Rabbit. It came off as just two smoldering bone bits. Right. But he's like, well, do the other one because now I'm stuck making the devil horns. I don't even like metal.

I'm going to say the magician. Magician? Yeah, I'm going magician. I feel like you guys knew about this question before. You just seem so prepared. Wow, yeah. We wanted to just really own you on this wrestling game. You don't know anything about wrestling. I'm going to be different. Just kidding. I say what they say.

Yeah, they say correct. It was Levi Tate, the magician. Alright, round round two kane former gimmicks so this is kane yeah i don't i don't know who kane is i know he looks like scary yeah he was like a big scary guy oh yeah canonically he was like they they tried to say he was like the undertaker's brother who burned his family alive and i'm like this is i love it i love a wrestling backstory so i guess it seems like we should call the police and not just be like, well, get a guy to pile drive him. So I guess.

The rest is like a bunch of guys with facial hair that doesn't grow in all the way outside the comedy club going, well, what they should have done is he shouldn't have burned the family alive. He doesn't even use fire. It should have been acid because of the spitting finishing. Here's what I love. I love the idea that I got this a little wrong and somewhere Mike Lawrence is foaming at the beers. Well, actually. So apparently Kane, before he was Kane, did a bunch of other characters before he found that one. So which of these is the fake former Kane character?

A, the Christmas creature. A green monster covered in tinsel with candy cane arms and legs. Okay. B, Dr. Isaac Yankum. Get it? Yankum. A green monster covered in tinsel with candy cane arms and legs. Okay. B, Dr. Isaac Yankum. Get it? Yankum. Like Yankum evil wrestling dentist.

I read that very poorly. Dr. Isaac Yankum. Get it? It's a dentist. Yeah. Yeah. My dad had a vasectomy and he had two doctors. The first was Dr. I can't wait to see how this turns over to Karen's pussy again. No, it doesn't.

But yeah, the first doctor was Dr. Cut like C-U-T-T and the second was Dr. Wang. Oh my god. It's pretty funny. C. Fake Diesel. After the wrestler Diesel left the company, Vince McMahon was angry and just recast him because he owns the copyright and fuck that

guy. D. Mayor of Knoxville County, Tennessee, Glenn Jacobs. I'm going to go with the mayor of Knoxville, because I don't know what his special abilities are. Yeah, that is too specific. He's like, yeah, good luck out-wrestling me once I lower the sales tax. And everybody knows the mayor of Knoxville is Johnny. Yeah.

Guys, that was so bad that was truly terrible hi I'm Karen Feehan and this is trying to be funny without getting my pussy made fun of ow oh no I'm Karen Feehan and this is what's in my butt I'm Karen Feehan

and this is trying to write a joke Johnny Knoxville jackass I'm Karen Feehan And this is trying to write a joke Johnny Knoxville Jackass He punches jackasses Trying to find a punchline I'm gonna say the Christmas one is bullshit The Christmas one? Rip Taylor does sublet Karen's pussy

He lives in there Nine months a year But she queefs glitter Yeah That's nice Yeah I'm going with Mayor of Knoxville That'd be festive Mayor of Knoxville

And then you Christmas creature This is the Christmas guy I'll go the Mayor of Knoxville too Mayor of Knoxville. And then you said Christmas creature. You said the Christmas guy. I'll go the Mayor of Knoxville, too. Mayor of Knoxville. The fake one was Mayor of Knoxville, Countessie Glenn Jacobs. It was fake wrestler, but is actually the Mayor of Tennessee. You start just massaging all the consonants out of the way you speak.

It's like allézion in French. They like mush all their words together. I'm part French. It's genetic karen have you seen those pills that where you take them it makes your poop covered in glitter that seems like something you could get into you know and then it's a real thing and then you could post instagram pictures of them and sell them to guys you know you want a sparkly karen poop you know i could like eat like a bunch of beets and be like this week we have hot pink glitter poop

exactly yeah yeah it's artisanal. Different shades, you know. I'm definitely buying those Play-Doh cans and selling them. Yeah, I had a... Go to 50shadesofkaren.com and use promo code YUCK. Is this a chia seed? Order in the number two. Round three. Wrestlers

portraying other races. Like the Mean Boys podcast, wrestling has a long tradition of racism, which is... Whoa. Oh, boy. Like the Mean Boys podcast, wrestling has a long tradition of racism. Which of these is... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well done, Josh. All right, which of these is not an offensive stereotype character?

Wrong room. Avi Triple N. Oh, my goodness. The Undul Takle. It's the Asian version. Avi Goldstein, Oh my goodness. The Undul-Tay-Kul. It's the Asian version. Avi Goldstein, an offensive Jewish stereotype played by a non-Jewish guy. Really close to the name of my actual manager.

Not that far off. Yeah. Yoko Uzo. Yoko Zuna, a Japanese sumo wrestler played by a Samoan guy. The horror. Samoans. Yeah, I mean, close enough. Right. El Generico.

If you manage to get that fat as a Japanese man, you've earned the right to be Samoan. In my opinion. You hacked Japan at that point. Yeah, you put in the work. See, El Generico, a Mexican wrestler played by a pale ginger Canadian who is also part Syrian and Muslim. Cool. D. Muhammad

Hassan, a Muslim African angry... A Muslim... A Muslim African angry. I know a few of those. None of them are really happy. A Muslim American angry and American... Tom's reading a poorly Google translated version of the Charlie Hebdo attacks. What are you describing, a bee? None of them are really happy. A Muslim American angry at Americans.

Tom's reading a poorly Google translated version of the Charlie Hebdo attacks. A Muslim American angry at Americans Islamophobia post 9-11 played by an Italian guy. I'm going to say El Generico. That's what they call him. This does remind me of a new porn scene came out. Do you remember that famous one with the hijabs where Mia Khalifa was in Khalifa's in the hijab, and it was that cause of this controversy? I have seen that. Yeah, that was a big news story a few years ago. And they basically, they did a reboot, but there's two other women in hijabs, but they're

both Cuban, so it's like, what exactly are we doing here? They're like, hey, look at my hijab. I didn't watch it. Maybe they explained it where it's like, you know. I'm like a mecca, papi. Hijab, I make kebabs, whatever, man.

No, they're Mexican. Yeah, none of us really know what a Cuban is. I just keep making that voice. Yeah, like death of the infidels

or whatever. It's like Elian Gonzalez gets caught and he's like, I have ways of getting out of this. Sucks a dick. Yeah.

Also, there's a hijab involved. There's a lot of moving parts to that. I have a friend. You can't touch pork. You can't touch your own ass. Your fat, beautiful ass. We were talking about, you know,

getting fat as a Japanese person. I have a friend who just went to Japan and she went with her brother who is like a big, like, scruffy bearded dude. And I guess the Japanese just stared at him when he walked down the street.

Because they've never seen a real, like, American beard. So tall. Oh, yeah. So hairy. Yeah, they're a hairless people. So they're just like, oh, no. So much walked down the street. Because they've never seen a real American beard. So tall. So hairy. Yeah, they're hairless people. So they're just like, oh, no. So much hair on the face.

It is a dark beauty. One of my favorite people that ever lived is Aiko Tanaka. I really like your Japanese voice. Yeah, I was on a show with her last night. Yeah, I did a road gig with her one time, and I was just asking her questions about Japan, and she just goes, we do not have fat people in Japan. That's so good.

Yeah, I heard if you're fat in South Korea, they just throw shit at you. They just don't know how to function. Stop eating the rice. It's like if you walked out in the full gritty costume.

You're not a person. Shut up, you weird, hairy thing. Oh, that's great. Yeah. I'm going to say it's El Generico. That seems too complicated

to me. Yeah, that seems really, yep, and the ginger and the other races. I think Avi Goldstein is not, it's not racist. It would generico that seems really yep and the ginger and the other races i think avi goldstein is not it's not racist and it would be like moneybag complainowitz if it was oh yeah thanks a lot fucking uh netflix for not letting me put that one in the show oh yeah yeah i've been trying to get moneybag complainowitz on tv for a few months i yeah no we did definitely pitched it more of the times than I probably needed to Yeah to the point

Where Jeff Ross was like I get it Right right You can stop We've heard your idea No hear us out Cause you have money See

Yeah But you're never happy See And what is that on your chest If not bags I mean It's like you got two Ziplocs full of goldfish

Crackers in your Fucking silk shirt Jeff let's What is it It was Avi Goldstein Boom Damn I know Jews You got two Ziplocs full of goldfish crackers in your fucking silk shirt, Jeff. Let's fuck. What is it? It was Avi Goldstein. Boom. Damn.

I know, Jews. Yeah. Well, evidently not enough because we still live here. Right. I didn't say I like Jews. I said I know them. I didn't say I knew the right ones. But do they know you?

Yeah. We're waiting for Dave Cyrus to give us some of this goddamn movie money. Right. You know, make us into his little entourage. Yeah. I mean, he waiting for Dave Cyrus to give us some of this goddamn movie money. Right? You know, make us into his little entourage. Yeah. I mean, he's so hot and charismatic. Oh, yeah. So hot, so charismatic.

I know, dude. He's fucking gorgeous. He's got a head like a Flintstones vitamin, that guy. I can't think of anyone less, like, forgettable. I mean, more forgettable, you know? Just looking at him. Maybe visually, but I... Yeah, I love Dave. No anyone less forgettable. I mean, more forgettable. Just looking at him. Maybe visually. Dave? Yeah, I love Dave.

No, he's great. He's a good looking guy, though. He's good looking, but he doesn't leave a terribly strong impression. He looks like a guy you'd hire in a movie to be an assassin who could just blend into a crowd right afterwards. Exactly, yeah. The guy who looks like exactly... Picture a guy.

That's what Dave looks like. Dude, I wish I was more forgettable. He's like Steely Dan in the grocery store. It's like, this is nice, but you're not seeing it on the way back to the car. Exactly. It just kind of happens to you, and then That's what Dave was. Dude, I wish I was more forgettable. He's like Steely Dan in the grocery store. It's like, this is nice, but you're not seeing it on the way back to the car. Exactly. It just kind of happens to you, and then it's over. Yeah. Hi, Dave.

Hey, what's up, buddy? He's like a hipster John Oliver. Oh, a little bit, yeah. Or like a hot Rick Moranis. I like that. That's a nice one. That's a weird one. Yeah, and also definitely the most anti-Semitic guest we've had on a podcast that's featured Shane Gillis.

So, I mean, pretty impressive. All right, round four, The Big Boss Man. In the 80s and 90s, there was a character called The Big Boss Man who was a cop slash prison guard slash SWAT officer. It was never really clear. Anyway, he was a right arsehole. British. Which of these is not a real storyline?

A. Killed a wrestler's pet chihuahua and then fed it to him. That was actually Karen. B. Get a wrestler's sister pregnant then accidentally cause a miscarriage. C. Trick a wrestler into thinking his sick dad was dead. Karen, is there a Mr. Karen?

D. Show up at a funeral, attach the coffin to his car, and then drive away Wow, that's pretty good Which is pretty awesome Like the bank heist in the Dukes of Hazzard Oh God, which of those is fake? I think... I'm going to go with the miscarriage one. I kind of think so, too.

That seems like not the right brand of scumbaggy for this. Oh, God. I think the dog one. I don't want that to be true. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but feeding the guy... Oh, don't you make a comic about a dog?

Yeah, my dog, Ernest. But that's about lovemaking. Yeah. To the dog? It's all like yeah it's just like the dog reacting to people fucking you know yeah yeah that's kind of it's a fun idea he gets into it he has a good time and you write it and then somebody some poor man has to draw it you know where you some poor woman has to draw it he's not having nearly as much sex as me no

just kidding probably not no my uh very talented comedian, Julia Johns, illustrates them. Oh, cool. She's great. Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. Well, Karen, good news. The Chihuahua one is real. The fake one was, you guys were right. It was the miscarriage one.

That one was fake. Boom, boom, boom. Wow, guys. You're getting owned, England. All right? 1776 all over again. This is not a native art form. It's racist wrestling storylines.

Yeah, you can't. Don't try to come to us and play on our terms. There's two things America knows how to do. Bad wrestling and white jazz. Yeah. That's what we needed. All right, last round. All real or all?

You know what jazz was missing? Polo shirts. Yeah, a little Lacoste. Yeah, oh, that's good stuff. Just imagine, like, just black Jazz being, like, this cool, like, house party, and then just a white man unfurling an oboe from a fucking case like a sniper rifle. I'm going to go ruin everything. Yeah.

I have to clean my oboe. Yeah, I'm going to go to the spit valve. All right, last round. All real or all fake. Pull or ladder match. A popular type of match is a ladder or pull match where to win you need to retrieve an item from above the ring. Usually it's a title belt that you win

or sometimes a weapon you can use on your opponent. Oh, this is giving me a good idea. There's one M&M in Carrad's pussy. She's on day two of the worst period of her life. You have only your mouth.

OK here's the thing because there's one Eminem in her pussy but I feel like there's been a lot of white rappers in her pussy. Melts in your south not in your hair.

It's called Hell in a Cell and. I just think like the Eminem is going to come out like the lazy river It comes out as a skittle It floats all the way To the trash can and climbs in

And says kill me The acidity changes over time Anyway some of these The awards are just weird Which of these All real or all fake Rewards for the pull out of it All real or all fake? These are rewards you can get for the poll. Rewards for the poll. All real or all fake.

So intricate, these questions. You're really putting me in a different world. It sounds less complicated when I'm not the one reading it. I'm going to be honest. The way you look at words, which is such bewilderment. I want to look over and just see Thomas has been looking at Goatee. Each word is like a painting

he has to describe. You read English like it's Japanese. I used to be able to read Japanese. Thomas has been looking at goatee this whole time. Each word is like a painting he has to describe. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You read English like it's Japanese. I used to be able to read Japanese. I know, and I think it could cause some cross-wiring. Yeah, it sure did. That was a big problem in Spanish class where people would ask me questions, and I'd answer part Japanese, part English, and then part Spanish because I kept mixing them up.

Wow. All right. A, custody papers b a bottle of viagra c a piñata uh or d one of the wrestlers mothers oh that's a hundred percent those are all that gotta be real i think so too all real i feel like the viagra one was sponsored too oh for sure the pill company was like yeah this will be great uh you guys were right it was all real. And for the pinata one, all the wrestlers

were Mexican, if you were wondering. Oh, shit. It was full of green cards. Vince McMahon, like, this is like their god! Come claim your fuzzy Christ! Oh, man. Well, that was Witch of the Fall. Thanks for that game, English guy.

Congrats. We'll be right back with your questions right after this. All right. Your blood pressure looks good. Just have a seat here for a moment, and Dr. Durowitz will be in soon to perform the prostate exam. Okay. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

This is my first time, you know. Totally understandable. Lots of guys are nervous about it. Don't worry. It seems scarier than it actually is. And Dr. Durowitz is very gentle. It'll be over before you know it. Okay, I'm going to say something, and I know it's dumb and insecure,

but it's just, indulge me for a second. This isn't gay, of course, right? I swear. Straight guys are so fragile. No, it's not gay. It's a medical procedure. There's nothing sexual about it. Thanks.

Like I said, I know it's stupid, but it does make me feel a little better. Good. I'll be back to check in on you in a minute. All right. That's fine. This is fine. Oh, you must be Dr. Durowitz. Oh, please call be Dr. Durowitz.

Oh, please call me Dr. D. All right. Wow. No offense. You sound way different than you look. You're a five-foot Jewish dude, and you sound like... Like buttery velvet? I get that all the time. All right.

So how do we do this? Should I bend over? Hey, hey, hey. Hush now. You just lay back and relax. Dr. D is going to do all the work. Hey, Mr. D. Doctor. Dr. D. Sorry, I'm a little nervous.

Can you not talk like that? I can't control it. I smoked a pack of clothes a day for 27 years and it just sounds like this now. Okay, that's fine. That's fine, I guess. Now take off those tiny whities while I lubricate my digits. Yeah, see that. That right there is what I'm talking about. What? I'm just telling you how the procedure works. It's not my fault my voice is so naturally sensual.

It's, uh, it's stressing me out a little bit, if I'm being honest. This happens all the time, sir. I promise this is going to be easier for both of us if you relax. Now, how about I turn on some music, and I'll briefly explain the process, and then we'll just get it done. Sure, sure, let's, let's do that. First, I'm gonna put on this surgical glove, then I'm gonna apply lubricant all over my finger. I'm gonna insert it on this surgical glove. Then I'm going to apply lubricant all over my finger. I'm going to insert it into your rectum at a downward angle. You'll feel pressure, but no pain. If it hurts, you tell Dr. D and he'll take it nice and slow. Then I'm going to wait patiently while the sphincter of yours opens up. Then I'll move in a slow, circular motion to identify the lobes and

grooves. Again, you're not saying anything wrong. That's a word-for-word description of this procedure on the internet. Verywellhealth.com. Y'all can Google it. But the voice, the voice is making it seem like it's a different thing. Well, then how about a little less conversation and a little more exploration? Dr. Durowitz, I just want to let you know that your 3 o'clock appointment is running late.

Oh, thank you, Debra. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, can you reschedule my meeting with the pharmaceutical rep from Thursday to next week? Of course. Thank you, Debra. You're a real mensch. What the fuck, you son of a bitch? I'm sorry. I just, I like doing the Dr. D voice

it makes me feel confident and then I try to stop, but I can't. Whatever, whatever, I'm over it. Just shut up, check my asshole, and I'm never talking to you again. Okay, okay, no more funny business, I swear. You, uh, you gotta relax, your sphincter is like I'm a sugar on a brick wall. Yeah, well, I'm

fucking trying. You know what? Just fucking, just do the voice. I think it helps. Oh, yeah. Open up that chocolate tunnel and let Dr. D get up to the knuckles in you. And that was the day I discovered

that I am, in fact, super gay. Years later, I would be living in Cape Cod with my partner, Gerald, when I learned that Dr. D had succumbed to lung cancer. I would visit living in Cape Cod with my partner, Gerald, when I learned that Dr. D had succumbed to lung cancer. I would visit his grave every year and leave a single rose as a thank you for the day he opened my eyes and my butt. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. To answer your questions, listen to your voicemails, all that and more in the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. If you want to send us a message, you can do so at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. Or if you want to leave us a voicemailail just dial up 304-805-MEAN and hit the old answering machine with some heat.

We got some tweets here to read. We posted a picture of Karen because she's coming on the show as we do with all the guests and someone says, do you have another version of this photo but with pit stains? You got a really robust fan base with some really specific interests. Yeah.

I want to be able to smell. Yeah. Who looks at you? I want to be able to smell the photograph. Let's say, who looks at you and goes, I wish this smelled more tart? You know, because I got to figure it's like a flesh Altoid, mostly. You know, just strong. The scent is, yeah, it's pretty caustic. Just like my personality. I just feel like you taste like the business end of a battery.

Okay. That would be my guess. Yeah, but that'll open up your nasal passages. Get your fucking morning started. You got horseradish glands. He's knocked out. Quick, get Karen. Hey, let me bring the neti pot over. Hi, I'm Karen.

I'm the neti pot. Just let it drip into your ear. When you have the cute voice, it makes you feel sad. No, what I'm doing is Karen's vagina talking. Listen, let's get on board. This is happening. I'm doing my vagina, but it sounded like 10 years ago.

All right. I'm okay. It's had a rough decade. I feel so hopeful. Like, I bet Karen's vagina has teeth, but they're dentures. You know, that's the kind of shape. What would you do if you were the first lady or first gentleman? Your partner can be whoever. Yeah, what would your cause be if you were the first lady or first gentleman? Your partner could be whoever.

Yeah, what would your cause be if you were the first lady of the United States? Oh, like the president's spouse. Yeah, so if there's a lady president, you're the husband. Or if there's a guy president, you're the gay husband. I would be the first person to divorce the president during the election. I think that happened. During the election. While they're president. I think somebody got divorced while they were in office. Really? Maybe. I don't happened. During the election. While they're, yeah, or while they're presidents.

I think somebody got divorced while they were in office. Really? Maybe. I don't know. I don't think so, though. I feel like one of those 1800s weird ones might have, but I could be wrong. Those weren't real people. I think we've only had like one or two single presidents.

Those weren't real people. Yeah, too old. I think my honest hustle would be like, I would just try and figure, there's got to be some way if you're the first lady or first husband to steal a hilarious amount of money and just get the fuck out. Yeah, I would divorce them, and then I'd put out a rap album about the divorce. You could just claim one of your kids has cancer. Start raising money for that. Yeah, I'm going to sort of GoFundMe as the first husband.

Yeah, they'll all feel bad. Yeah. All of them. Yeah, what would I do? My thing would be I'd try to get everyone to pay for porn, you know, to subsidize the industry. Try to support the arts? Yeah, yeah. You're giving like artist grants just to like browsers?

Yeah, exactly. Are you making porn? No, I'm not. Well, I've, you know, I've made porn. I've been in porn. And the first gentleman arriving today on Bang Bus 1. Yeah, yeah. It's got all the signed felt on the ceiling.

Wait, did you say you've made porn? Yeah, with you, Tom. Remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that in Vegas. Right, yeah. It's got all the signed felt on the ceiling. Wait, did you say you've made porn? Yeah, with you, Tom. Remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that in Vegas. Right, right. Oh, cool. Is that on Netflix?

Keith brought up a sketch that he was in called Petey's Edie's, and Tom goes, what the fuck is that? And Tom is the co-star. Oh, man. You bumped your head hard. Yeah. Lots of times. What genre would a Mean Boys video game be?

RPG, side-scrolling, beat-em-up, point-and-click adventure, et cetera. It's got to be a Korean dating simulator. hard yeah lots of times what genre would a mean boys video game be rpg side scrolling beat them up point and click adventure etc it's got to be a creating korean dating simulator 100 yeah but no matter what the situation is the last option is just be mean to care i was like i think it'd be a beat-em-up one yeah those are my favorite kind of video games because you don't have to have any skill or remember what buttons to push yeah like when people like play these are really complicated ones we have to learn a bunch of shit i'm'm like, no, I want to point at a thing and kill the thing. It's like, what is

this, the book of video games? I love complicated strategy games. I get bored. You do not, you dumb dumb. Yes, I do.

He does, yeah. I do. I'm really good. We play Monopoly. You're like a hamster that can never figure it out. Yeah, I'm a complicated

strategy game. I always called it Who Got Lucky on the first three times around the board. Also, I got you guys into Civilization. That shit's super...

Civilization's fun. It's like 9D chess. Don't you sleep in the kitchen? I do, yes. I think they're getting you into Civilization. It's like when you find an animal covered in oil

after a fucking Exxon Valdez and we're scrubbing him off with toothbrushes and trying to reintegrate him. Where do you guys go cleaning Tom's fingernails again. Yeah. So my entire life has been a really like extended cut of the movie Pretty Woman, you know, or

the rain in Spain where I'm just trying to fucking. OK, Tom. Silly dumb shit. We had we had a great long conversation where Tom forgets to say women. So he says like, yeah, a lot of woman like that. Oh, God. Yeah. So frustrating. Is it hard for you that plural? Yeah I don't I can't. I was in a

play called Little Women Women of Lockerbie and I was telling them we had two full rehearsals space of time where they just fought about how to pronounce that word. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. It's like an I. It's like a short I. Like when. It's women. Yeah the broads are Listerine. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it. It's like an I. It's like a short I. Like win.

It's women. Yeah, the broads are Listerine. I'll tell you what they did. Nothing good, for starters. Women. There you go. See, but when I say it, I sound like I'm putting too much effort in it.

That sounds creepier. Women. Women. Women. Yeah. Like a velociraptor. Women. That's how he approaches it. God, that's so good. Women. That's how he approaches it.

God, that's so good. Women. I'd rather just say it wrong. Rather be dumb than scary. Right. Yeah. Oh, God. Luckily, I'm both.

Yeah, me too. You just have to be frightening enough that no one can tell you how dumb you are. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's like you have the same concentration, like, when you have to say women, is when I try to say Opie's last name, I'm like, all right, Connor. Olabaju. Olagabagadu.

Olabaju. That one's easy. It's easier than women? Yeah. Yeah, well, when he says it, like, in, like, the proper accent, he'll be like, there's like an opwe, like, opwe me. Like, it's kind of that kind of olabaj, and there's like a weird, like, all the accents are in the wrong.

Right. It's got some sizzle But I don't want to do Cultural appropriations I'll say it wrong You know What? Man that's the blackest name

I've ever heard in my life Oh Caieth Curry? Yeah The villain for Black Panther 2 Caieth Curry Will he turn around The Wakandan economy? I'm the blacker Panther

You're supposed to watch That movie right? Oh, Black Panther? I didn't see it either. I feel bad. I saw it. It was good. Okay, hang on.

How do you know all these African words? It's not Marching for Ferguson. It's a Marvel movie. You're fine if you missed it. Well, I didn't do that either. What? Ferguson, he came on after Letterman. That's what I thought.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That guy, right? Arsenio Ferguson. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That guy, right? Yeah. Arsenio Ferguson. Oh, my God. Craig Robinson Ferguson. Let's go to the voicemails. Oh, man.

Let's see what the listeners have to say here. Two mean boys. I've been thinking about oh my next tattoo soon um i would love for it to be a mean boys tattoo but we'd love that too i get fuck everything god is dead on my body permanently i think my parents would defund me and seeing if we have a pretty good relationship uh what are your suggestions for something that's not bad to get put on my body forever spell it out in emojis all right but that's really all but i wanted to get eggplant the world yeah all right fuck everything god has said but you know don't don't tell my mom and dad

that i said that how old are you nice i love it That's so cute Man, that rules What is the plan B? Because everybody gets Everybody gets fuck everything Well, three people have gotten this Yeah, we have a bunch of people Everybody Look, how many people have your tattoo?

I don't know Yeah, exactly A lot So what is the next one? Well, it's not so much a tattoo As it is a condition you live with For the rest of your life I mean, we were

We were talking about this Have you seen the This is not a Fugazi shirt? Yes. Yeah, so This Is Not A Mean Boys Tattoo would be a pretty funny one. Tom's got We're All Just Carbon and Bullshit. Yeah, which was on a beer koozie first.

That was a lot of... Yeah, Tom got a tattoo of a koozie. Yeah, yeah. No, but I love the This Is Not A Mean Boys Tattoo. I've also been getting really into Fugazi lately. I don't know how it took me so long. Go the other way and just get Love Everything God is Alive. Get the Jeremiah Watkins.

No, no. No, that's okay. Yeah, we don't need to do that. Maybe. No. I don't know. Anybody have anything besides nose to offer up? Just get my name.

There you go. What do you do for God is dead? If you want to spell it out, just have Jesus in a noose or something. Is that a little too aggressive? I feel like that's going to be the same issue. Right. Is he in a noose and on the cross? Because that would be pretty funny.

Double whammy. We have to be sure. That'd be funny hanging someone from a cross, you know? Yeah. We could have skipped one of these. Yeah, yeah. Or what about We have a surplus. What about a heart that just says horny fear inside of it? Oh, I like that. That. Yeah, yeah. Or what about... We have a surplus of the death punches. What about a heart that just says horny fear inside of it?

Oh, I like that. Oh, that's a good tattoo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the horny fear heart is good. Fuck. Well, if the listeners have any ideas, tweet it to us. I'm going to do a drawing. Yeah.

Send it to us. You know what we should do? If you're in... Because I know we have a bunch of artists that listen. Design a Mean Boys tattoo that's not a fuck everything God is dead one. Send us some options. And it better be Tom done up like Steamboat Willie. It better be Tom with big white gloved hands.

Yeah, send in some options. I want to see what you guys are up with. I was so bummed at the San Diego Live show, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to happen. But I put out an Instagram story saying, if anybody comes with a tattoo gun you can give me a tattoo and you get to choose what it is. I get to choose where it is but you get to choose what it is.

I might throw that down again because I... For the tour? I might. I might. Yeah, you got to pay attention to social media. Tom is going to be like

some sort of juggalo Takashi 69. Takashi 5150. I love tattoos. I don't have money you gotta find we had a good question that I think we should put out to the universe

that we discussed on the porch last night okay yeah this is a separate of user question would you give up your dick to save your best

bro's life wow that's a tough one you know and the answer is I think so I don't know I like to think

that I would but I couldn't tell you definitely. Right. Then you're just living a life of resentment with your quote-unquote best friend. Every time you look at him, you're like, you're the reason I don't have a dick. That's exactly the thing. Well, would you grow a dick to save your friend?

Sure. Where am I growing it? I'll put it anywhere. Put it in my armpit. Yeah, yeah. The old pit dick. There's lots of irrigation down there. The bonsai dick.

I don't know what they are. Yeah, I've heard of bingo wings, but that lady. Yeah, maybe the dick thing. Dick in the pit bee hand. Yeah, for some reason, I think if it was Tom, I'd have to do it.

But if it was you, I'd be like, well, Keith's had a full life. What the fuck, man? You're older. You're five years older. Okay. I mean, I don't think the back half is looking

great for you. I'm not saving either of you assholes then. I'm not saving either of you assholes. I'm keeping my perfect teeth. Everybody suck my ass. I'd save you guys. Yeah. I'd save you.

I'd save you. And only you. I think we both agree we would save you, but fuck each other. Yeah. I couldn't. If Tom died, I'd be too sad. I would only cut my dick off if you both died and also Karen died. If I saved you, that's Karen's last horcrux.

Hey, guys. I want you. You're being so mean. I'm sorry. We love you. They turned that gay movie into a regular movie. If I chop it off, I want one of you, whoever I save, they have to give me their dick. That's my disclaimer.

I thought you were going to say they have to eat it. No. Oh, I'd have to give you my dick? Would you want me to save you if you had to give me your dick? Because I know you'd just be getting crumbs all over it. So I save you by cutting my dick off? No, no, no, no. I save you by cutting my dick off.

But then I'm like, hey, buddy, there's a price for life. I want that. I gave Keith my old Nutribullet. I gave Keith my old Nutribullet. Within three days, there were nacho fries inside of it. Would you want me to save you? Here's what I'm going to do. When we're in this situation, I'm going to be like,

yeah, sure, I'll totally give you my dick, man. And then the day after when you start common calling, I'm just going to give you the slip and just not give you my dick and go missing. You know I know where you live. Yeah, I'll move. I can find an apartment. I can't find another dick.

You've thought this out. Here's the thing. I think it would be easier for you to find a dick than an apartment I can't find another dick You've thought this out Here's the thing I think it would be easier For you to find a dick Than an apartment I've found so many apartments Your credit score is A poop emoji

Yeah and yet I've also lived In my own apartments I know but yeah Because you have to trick a woman I was an adult for a while Before I gave up and did this Because you tricked a series of Nice women

No I had one by myself I think you tricked a series of nice women. No, I had one by myself. I think we found a vein. That's true, yeah. All right, guys. So this one, I'm seeing a chicken factory in the predictive text. Okay.

Chicken factory? Yeah. This is Bill calling in from Florida. And I just finished up your guys' new episode. And it was about the time that Big Mother Trucker came on that I probably saw the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

There was a fat guy in a little, looked like a Prius, but he looked snugger than a Casper mattress still in the box. And he got about 400 yards in front of me me and his driver's side front tire comes snapping off and hops the barrier across the road down here in Kissimmee fuck now he swerves off to the right and I'm looking forward you know making sure you know the tire ain't gonna come around and end up fucking with me and there's this hot shot pulling an old 68 Corvette. He's on the side of the road backed up in traffic change in a tire when this tire flies over the guardrail and shatters the windshield of the Corvette. Fucking fat people.

And you can just see the look of, I guess, helplessness. Helplessness. Would be a good term for it. But it looked like the life just left his eyes completely because he surely did not get paid for his job. But anyways, I thought that was kind of funny. Y'all have a good one. Fuck everything. God is dead. Look forward to seeing y'all in Orlando.

There's a lot of people that tell me that they get into car accidents when listening to the show. I've had at least like three of those stories. Yeah, yeah. Jacob, I think, hit like a crack head with his car. Wait, what? Yeah, or something like that. Yeah, Jacob Tremor. Yeah, the man over a guy?

Yeah. Well, the guy like jumped in front of the car. You win money when you do that. You do, yeah. When you hit a crack head? I had a similar thing where in like 2012, I was listening to Fitz Dog Radio, and he did an episode where he was interviewing all the black writers on this TV show he was on, and I got pulled over by the cops, and I was like, oh, thanks a lot, Craig Robinson. That didn't really help out my day.

That was how black they were. It literally translated to my fucking Prius. All right. The cops are just putting a little bag of coke in my city player. Hey, mean boys. Lunchbox calling from the frozen north Just wanted to say thanks for, you know, making my life a little bit easier Jesus Christ, you guys are so sad

You make me laugh every fucking day You guys are hilarious Your voice is caked with oppression I spend a lot of time alone in the kitchen With knives and fire And I make food So it's not really that bad okay that's not sure i can't think of anything fucking funny to say so thanks again you know you guys

make me laugh a lot i listen to you when i go up to see my therapist like an hour away and cross the frozen fucking tundra up here oh man is this brendan i listen to you on the way back i think i get more value out of that than I do $100 an hour as a fucking therapist. Oh, don't you know. But, you know, life is hard. Life is hard. I'm going to kill that photographer.

Anyway, thanks for everything. Fuck everything. God's dead. Oh, well, thanks, man. So is that photographer. You know what's honestly kind of funny is listening to a depressed Canadian. You don't hear a lot of those. Yeah, man.

Because usually Canadians, you think like, you know, ah, yeah, I know everything's great. I just, I love mousse and, you know, the syrup. And this guy's just like, yeah, you know, life's hell. I got my fire and knives to keep me company. But, yeah, I can't afford my therapist. But I do like listening to the fudge lord while I'm mushing across the frozen wasteland. I call it life. I can tell he's depressed because all his sentences ended with a lowercase a.

Yeah, man. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. They'll get in help and shit. Yeah, go to therapy. That's nice. Don't kill yourself. Seriously. Thanks for hanging out, man.

Don't kill yourself. Send me money for nudes. She's probably got some good stuff. Don't send her a lot, but like eight bucks, you'll have a good time. I don't even need that much. It's really about the confidence boost. Yeah, one time a girl I know, I've had sex with a couple of girls that sell naked pictures on the internet or whatever. And one girl was like, you know, posting that she was selling them.

And I was talking to her at the same time. And she sent the photo she was selling to me. And I was just like, well, I mean, I don't know. I feel she's like really poor. So I'm like, I'll send you five bucks on Cash App as a sign of solidarity. I believe in your business venture. Yeah. Which felt kind of condescending, you know, like a tip.

I'm not just a fan. I'm also a client. Right. And sometimes you ever do something nice like that where you're like, this was like the fact that it was so easy for you to do it makes you feel even shittier. Yeah. Like last night, there's this homeless guy sleeping outside the show I was at. So I had a bunch of bottled water in my car.

So I left like four bottles of water in there. And I said, hey, some water for you, buddy. You couldn't open them and water him? How's he going to grow into a normal guy? Yeah, well, he'll grow a GED if he has enough sunlight. I really should have stolen those Gatorades from those firefighters just because that would have been really funny if I did that. Yeah, because that would be really sticky. Yeah, well, this brings us to our next email.

So this one, this is pretty upsetting. Okay, so I'm going to kill myself in a year. And I want to know what you guys would do if you only had one year left to live based on your current economic reality. Also, I don't want to hear no bullshit like not killing myself. And I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it gets better or any of those lies. Just tell me what you want to do before you're out of the game. Love you, Mean Boys. Well, I'm not giving you any suggestions because I don't think you should kill yourself.

Yeah, I second that. Don't do that. Yeah, I mean, unless you got terminal cancer or something or whatever. I mean, I don't know. I want to kill myself most of the time but then there's always a point later on where i'm glad i didn't you know so it's like it's look it's gonna be a good amount of shittiness and you just like it's temporary i don't know yeah live live your life like you got a year left and then just keep going after that year.

Well, here's my suggestion. Live your life like it's an apartment and you already lost the security deposit. So don't go like, you know, racking up STDs and credit card debt. But, you know, make some more dangerous decisions or find some excitement where you can. Yeah. Get back into it. Karen, if you only had a year to live, what's your move?

Are you still working out? Are you still trying to be hot? Or are you just going to fucking... Are you letting it all blow out? No. I'm putting lots of rocks in my pocket, grabbing my rescue dog, and just walking into the ocean.

Why are you bringing the dog into this? What? Also, why are you shortening the year? At least get him a little surfboard so he has to watch it. We asked you what you would do if you had a year left to live. You said kill your dog. Kill a dog.

Make sure the dog gets involved. I'm going to murder a dog and also my pet. I mean, it's going to take me a while to collect all these rocks. You're fighting it. I just want to get a head start. You weigh nine pounds. I just want to get a head start. You need one pet rock.

You need rocks? I mean, I don't know. Could you check the carpet in your bedroom and find some there? A bonsai tree worth of pebbles would fucking sink you to the bottom of the sea. Thank you so much. Yeah, you could die so easily. The guy emailing us definitely should. Because Karen, as a lizard, doesn't have any oxygen in her body.

So she wouldn't float. I need sunlight. I'm cold. I need to go warm up she's like driftwood no i just like i heard that thing and i like i don't want this guy to kill himself yeah no i don't i don't look don't please i don't yeah i don't know what to say man like i did i know it's your life and shit yeah i mean it's just a disturbing email and you know i'm sorry you're feeling fucked up man and it is a is a deal. We all feel terrible a lot of the time.

But, you know, it's – and we got the luxury of we get to connect with a lot of people and, you know, talk to them. And then, you know, sort of see the gravity of everything and, you know, feel a little bit of a community. So maybe finding a little bit of that would be good. Yeah. And I don't know your situation at all. Especially – it doesn't matter if it's a warhammer 40k night or anything like that or be a furry like do whatever weird thing you want oh yeah just fucking get into it you know yeah yeah there's plenty of people and everybody has

something you know whether it's fucking an addiction or mental illness or whatever everybody's got some fucked up shit with them so yeah and as as far as the don't say it gets better thing, obviously I can't conclusively say anything gets better. It might get better. It might get worse. But either way, you're going to die at the end of it anyway. So why bail early? Well, you know what helps me is you don't think about getting better or worse.

Just try to get interested. Yeah. You know what I mean? Try to find something that's compelling to you. I'm not particularly happy most of the time, but I find doing stand-up comedy and trying to be funny interesting enough, that's a sticky enough problem I can walk around thinking about it all day and I've got something to do. And it's easy to think of these terms of your life is either all good or all bad. It'll go both directions. Some of the things in my life

are better than they've ever been some of them are worse than they've ever been yeah you know it's it's all gonna be just a mix of everything i'm saying this guy why not devote your time to like non-violent financial terrorism start hacking shit you know deleting college debt records that'd be fun you know whenever you find like i found that like i felt like shitty about the way things are going and if i I tried to help somebody else, then I would immediately feel better, and things would get better for me. So if you're feeling like shit,

go out of your way to help somebody else. Sounds crazy, but... If humankind is powerful enough to permeate Karen Feehan's skeletal wasteland... That's the first time I've ever seen you be genuine. That's crazy. It was weird. I don't care for it. Very weird.

Very strange. Keeps out. It was like seeing a butterfly turn back into a caterpillar. It was weird. I don't care for it. Very weird. Very strange. Keeps out. It was like seeing a butterfly turn back into a caterpillar. It's just odd. And hey, I'll tell you what. Leave us a voicemail with what else is going on. And we'll all pop over in the Discord and chat up with some of the folks there. Jump in the chat room.

Enjoy the chat. That's what the chat room is for. There genuinely is. It's not as plugging. They're very nice. There's a whole channel on the Discord that is just Mean Boys fans talking about mental issues in a way where you're not going to get dunked on or made to feel stupid. You can go where you want it.

I go to my AA meetings and I am the hottest one there. Exactly. No bar to clear. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And like Keith said, there's already an expiration date. I know depression, it feels like it's... This thought is taking a while.

Yeah. No, it feels like depression is immortal, but the reality is you're not, and you will eventually come out of it. It's worth it, though. That's good. And you'll be able to enjoy some of that shit. Yeah. And if you haven't...

And you're going to die at the end anyway. If there's stuff you haven't tried, even if it doesn't end up working for you, trying stuff feels good. Crossing stuff off the list that doesn't work is productive. Yeah, maybe you find the thing that works. Maybe you don't and you keep going. Equinox is only $205 a month. Exactly.

And if you can't afford that, guess what? You shouldn't be alive. According to care. Yeah, well, I mean, look no further than go read Twitter, anybody's tweets about Brody Stevens. It's not good. That's not good. You know what I do if I had a year to live? I try to save somebody else's life.

That's what I do. Find the child prostitute and get a gun that comes out of your sleeve and be a hero. Yeah, that's my challenge to you. If you want to end it in a year, I challenge you to save somebody else's life. Ooh, that's a good one. I genuinely... You hear that, submissive pre-teens?

You hear that, Discovery Channel? I spell a six-episode miniseries. Oh, my God. You hear that, congressman who's going to get shot by this guy? Yeah. You hear that, Canada's Gabby Giffords? Be careful. No, and you could call and say...

Don't kill anybody with an elected office. Don't kill anyone. Maybe a comptroller, but no hire. You may think I'm full of shit on this, but I fucking, I dare you to do this and not feel different afterwards. I fucking, I throw that gauntlet down. Do that, and then let me know if you still feel the same way. All right. Yeah. All right. gauntlet down. Do that and then let me know if you still feel the same way. Alright? You can have a lot of different

lives. I feel like I've been like seven different guys. I've been like 60. I worked for a guy who sold scissors out of his van. Fuck, dude. Holy shit. I've had a lot of lives too. One pair of scissors, I'm selling it for $20,000, but we only got to make one sale.

Yeah. He almost fired me all the time. I would show up hungover. He would also like- Step into my van. We need to have a discussion. He would feed feral cats along the highway wherever we were driving. He would just open a can of cat food and throw it out the window.

Wow. What a guy. He's like Johnny Appleseed Making the neighborhood gross He was Glenn Sorry I miss you Glenn Did he have different Size scissors

Like was there Like the ribbon cutting ones And then like Doll scissors Yeah The name of the company Was called Sheer Perfection

Oh god That guy should kill himself There's a guy When he fired me He told me I was predictably Unpredictable If you're saving Someone's life Guy who who you are, don't make it glass.

Yeah, and I said, don't you fire me with a Hot Topic t-shirt quote, you son of a bitch. Nobody's nerfing to my ass. I was like the whole day, I was just mumbling, predictably unpredictable. Not getting laid off by an edgy Valentine card. Yeah, no, I'm not. Well, shit, guys, that's the show. Karen, thanks for coming in. Always a blast.

Great to see you. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. I really love show. Karen, thanks for coming in. Always a blast. Great to see you. Thanks for having me, guys. I really love it. What do you got to plug? You got to go listen to Karen on Chip Chipperson. I bet that's amazing. Follow me on Instagram. Follow my comic, Ernest Goes to Pound Town, on Instagram.

Yeah, we'll have the links for all that in the show notes. So just open those up and click over there. Give Karen a follow. She's awesome, man. I always love seeing Karen's stuff. And she just writes cunty things all day. She'll just post a picture of a woman's ass in the locker room

and be like, this ass looks poor. You know? I think we're the meanest to you because you're one of the meanest people who likes us and we just want to impress.

Yeah. I don't know what it is, but there is a kind of people and it's like, there's nothing, there's anything bad in your heart, but you have to say

horrible things. And it's just something that some people have to do. Maybe it's an anxiety thing where you're thinking the worst things anyway. You have a weird venom gland in your neck that you need to drink. I'm pretty nice. My inner monologue is so crazy that I have another voice that just says my name all day.

It's like, Karen, no. Karen, no. Don't say that out loud. You yell at yourself like you're trying to stop yourself from jumping on the couch. Karen, no. Karen, no. Down. Down. Get that out of your mouth. Drop it. Drop it. Wait, hang on. You're saying that you're trying to stop yourself from jumping on the couch. Karen, no. Karen, no. Karen, no. Karen, no. Drop it. Drop it. Wait, hang on. You're saying that you're censored? Like, yeah.

Isn't that terrible? I want to know what's uncensored. There's that one voice that tries to protect the civilians. Well, that's going to cost you $50 on Venmo. Not PayPal. They take like 5%. So annoying. Well, guys, the night just comes out. We're going to be at the UCB with Ramsey Bidet. We're doing a live now.

It's not the time. Highly suggest you grab tickets for that. The whole motherfucking squad, Ramsey and Opie. Look, we got a legendary chemistry with the click. So it's going to be like Wu-Tang, but even Capadonna shows up. So I'd say you should definitely stop by for that. Yeah, it's going to be a good time. And that's Saturday.

Boy, I'm opening for the guy from Dishwalla with my father. So, I mean, if you're in the greater San Clemente area and you want tickets to see that, come watch me play some Power Pop. Yeah. March 1st, I'm headlining the Stab Comedy Theater in Sacramento, California. March 2nd, I'm headlining the Savage Henry Comedy Club in Eureka. March 23rd, me and Connor are going to be at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas for our homie Jocelyn Sharp's show. And looking forward a little bit after the tour, May 3rd and 4th, I'm going to be headlining at Laughs in Tucson.

So grab tickets for all that shit and stay tuned for more shit getting announced soon. Yeah. Yeah. March 14th, UConn Comedy Festival. Very excited for that. Yeah. It's going to be great, dude. Yeah.

All right. Well, thanks for tuning in. Bye, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead.