Mean Boys - EP 186 - Curiously Sad (Live in San Diego)

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

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Yo, yo, yo, it's the Mean Boys podcast. What it do, fellas? What it do, fam? Yo, yo, yo, do, fam. Welcome to... That sounds like one of those Jedi's in the background of a Star Wars movie. Yo, yo, yo, do, fam. Yeah, he's from the planet fucking Gleepgorp.

Oh, yeah, he's a green dude. He's got a yellow lightsaber. He's badass. Yeah, he's the girl Yoda. There's always that guy who's like, but did you see the animated Clone Wars? Yes, we all saw where he cuts off his head. But what about Kit Fisto? Yeah, what about him?

I'm the guy. You know, I'm only racist against Kit Fisto's species. I found some coffee. Go back to Mon Calamari. All right, well, Tom is now drinking loose coffee from our kitchen, which, by the way, there's honey everywhere. And I picked up the honey to point at it for dramatic effect. And then I went to wash my hands and I hit my head on the counter. So Tom's Oatmeal almost Rube Goldberg'd my ass to a Final Destination death.

Yeah, for those of you who watched the big chopped video. Oh, thank you for watching. Oh, yeah, it's been a rip-roaring success. It's been so many comments just like, my God, the kitchen. Yeah, and I bring it up to point out that somehow the kitchen looks worse than it did when we filmed that. And your perspective, dear listeners, really made me realize how upsetting it is that I'm fucking used to it. I'm fine with this. I'm like, no, yeah, it's whatever. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

But yeah, thank you. Thank you for people who watch Big Chop. If you don't follow us on social media, go to our YouTube page and watch. It's a cooking sketch where I cook a burger using nothing but the weapons you guys have all sent me over the years. And it turned out pretty great. So thank you for watching it. Please share it with people. I was glad that Tom figured out something awesome to do with all the fucking swords

and shit. Yeah, keep sending stuff in because Tom has more Big Chopped plans. I have a lot of plans. If anyone wants to mail me a bazooka, I have a great idea. That is my end goal is I want you to just make s'mores with a bazooka. Oh yeah, I'm all down for it. Fuck yeah. So Big Ch so big chops rock and roll all the shows are on youtube so go give us a sub and uh we're going back out on motherfucking tour ladies and gentlemen damn right the time is nigh it's coming up on us too yeah it's uh we're getting close man uh you guys have been buying

tickets we're very stoked keep getting them now because uh all these shows we think we're gonna have a lot of fun we're going to houston yeah all these shows, we think we're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to Houston. Yeah. We're going to Austin. We're going to Dallas. Well, plain old, but shut up, Dallas. We're going to Texas. Yeah, we're going to Kansas City, baby.

Oh, Connor's getting horny for this. Yes. We're going to St. Louis. Oh, fuck me, St. Louis. Indianapolis. Oh, Indy. You sound like fucking the girl From Templet too We're going to Cincinnati

Oh Isaac Hirsch Is just fucking Our new roommate Isaac Hirsch Is in the building We're doing the intro To the live episode So wow

This is probably The least listened to Portion of the show You could possibly be on How's your night going bro Oh yeah It's great I was gonna make

A Chef Boyardee Wow dude How are you adjusting to the kitchen, which was featured prominently in the new Big Chopped video? It's pretty fucked up right now. We've got to clean it this weekend. It's incredible. You guys have literally zero actual bowls.

We just have plates that have melted into a bowl shape. Yeah. Well, it's actually the skull of the guy that used to live in my room. And I eat out of it for his courage. Yeah, you got to Highlander your way into this fucking house. So where were we? Indianapolis. Cincinnati.

Oh, my God. Cincy. Nashville. Eat my ass, Nashville. Nailed it, bro. Jacksonville. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Oh, Jacksonville. Orlando. Oh, come Orlando. And Atlanta. yeah yeah okay i'm not this i i i oh jacksonville orlando oh come orlando and atlanta choke me this is what those are actual noises i make i spent the whole weekend with my family seeing people i haven't seen in a long time asking me so what's your podcast about and it really gets hard to answer that question when it's shit like this. It's like, well, we say names of cities and then Tom makes a cum noise that sounds like a small motorcycle accelerating. Wap, wap, awesome. Well, tickets for all those shows are live

right now at MeatBoysPodcast.com. And one thing I'm really excited to do on tour if we get the opportunity to is to tase Mr. Tom Goss. And the taser did get wet during the filming of Big Chop. I accidentally, it was in my pocket when I showered the hammer. Great, great sentence. When I showered the hammer. Great, great sentence.

When I showered the hammer. But it's working again. It just needed to dry off. So it dried out. It's ready to go. And we're only 25 iTunes reviews away. So please go pop over. And look, I know you guys are thinking

someone will leave the reviews. Unfortunately, you guys are that somebody. And we have to leverage fun things to force you to do it uh to make us look legitimate and i'm sorry that we have to do that but i'm trying to be transparent i'm really excited to get to 500 so for 600 uh connor has to eat like uh fucking jozo's or something whatever the fuck he yeah i've got to try a raisin what's a jozo it it's it's you know i was trying i was trying to think of uh what is that did you just jozo is did you just say some syllables and hope for the best? No, Jozo's are

Tom, what regional exclusive Street Fighter character are you thrilled? Trader Joe's Oreos You're thinking of Jojo's friend Oh, well actually what I was thinking of was By the way, I like that Keith has all this cookie knowledge What's the You know, store brand generic versions of cookies What's the soup that spells ooh?

You mean Alphabet? SpaghettiOs. I was trying to go over Tom. That's the worst you've ever explained anything. Because it's more of a pasta, if we're being honest. Well, yeah. And then I was like, well, Jozo's at least are a cookie. So maybe I'll roll with that.

Jozo's are nothing. Jozo is what the Japanese people call you, probably. Jozo is some sort of off-market Russian clown. Yeah. And that clown loves to tase me, so go ahead and leave an iTunes review. Yeah, that's the point of this piece. Leave an iTunes review. Thanks to everybody for all your support on Patreon,

helping us continue to not get real jobs. Speaking of which, Isaac was on the last episode. Isaac was on the last episode. He officiated a full game of Jeopardy. That was a lot of fun. I'm really bummed I was not here for that because I rock at Jeopardy. I can devastate both of you. Yeah, my mom was mad that I didn't know more about history.

And I'm like, Mom, you know I didn't go to college. I knew so much, but I was just too slow. Every time Carter would know something, he'd say something, and I would just flap a bunch before saying. Tom would get all worked up. So, yeah, that was a lot of fun do you know about mountains though Tom did Tom got two back-to-back mountain questions really quickly and I was like wait am I about to find out that Tom is obsessed with mountains another thing because I learned new things about it was like oh yeah for four years I was a break dancer or whatever.

Hip-hop dancer. Hip-hop dancer, yeah. And I was really young. And I was thinking about being one of those guys who just climbs mountains for a living or, like, that's just what he does. No, what do people need on top of mountains? It's not like there's diamonds and resources up there. Well, it's just about saying that you did it. You know, it's like running a marathon but uphill.

So you'd be like a skateboarder. You'd get sponsored by North Face. Well, I don't think they're sponsorships. I think you're just like, yeah, you... I like that he's sponsored by skateboard companies. World Industries presents Tom Goes Up Kilimanjaro. Oh, he wore his Fireboy shirt and caused an avalanche. See this photo of his mountain?

I did that shit. And then you're just the cool guy at the bar. You heard it here first. Tom fucked a mountain. I love that Tom's plan to make a living is be the cool guy at the bar. Well, Tom, make a living. You know, get one free IPA every several months when someone recognizes you from your mountain climbing career. That's basically what we're doing.

Pretty much, yeah. We have nine people who are excited at how we're fighting an uphill battle. Here's the difference. Climbing mountains is cool. People want to fuck guys that climb the mountains. Every time I tell a woman I have a podcast, their pussy slams shut like they just got fired. Anyway, thanks for your support on Patreon. We really appreciate it.

I think I don't say that enough or we don't say that enough. But yeah, guys, it's fucking awesome. It has genuinely changed our lives. Life-changing shit. And the fact that I don't have to go kill myself on the road every weekend, and I can actually, you know, try to do some art every once in a while is nice. Yeah, you were keeping me away from being some sort of schlubby barista. Yeah, five bucks a month is weekly

bonus content. Another hour of Mean Boys in your life. Ten bucks a month, monthly goodies delivered to you via the goddamn United States Post Office. I don't know why I'm hyping them up. Sometimes. Most of the time. Yeah. Stickers are going out this weekend. I am, I got another job, so I'm fucking busy, but I'll get all that. They'll are going out This weekend I am I got another job So I'm fucking busy

But I'll get all that They'll be sent out This weekend And maybe I'll even Kiss the envelopes To apologize for the delay Weird Weird

Weird offer I'll put one pube In each one of these Put one from each one You have to like Collect them all Which There's exactly one guy

I got a holographic Connor pube I got one of the gray ones. I do have gray pubes like my dick is stressed out from being the president. I've got a couple of them. Your dick is aging like Obama. Either that and this sounds like I'm making

a joke. I'm sorry to interrupt. But I really do think it's either stress or the fact that I might have frosted my own tips if you catch my meaning. It's so fucking funny. Man, you can hang out with all

your fellow listeners on the Mean Boys subreddit. Shit posts away there. That's a lot of fun. You know, whatever. Talk about whatever. I don't give a shit. As long as you're not building a pipe bomb and blowing anything up, just keep it cool. Every time we talk about the pipe bomb thing as a joke reference in the Discord, somebody posts a picture of a pipe.

100 percent of the time. I can't look at the discord because I get angry. Yeah. But I'm glad you guys are having fun there. And that is also in the show notes as well. If you want it. It's a fun chat room. Yeah.

I hang out in the discord from time to time. I like to see what people are up to. Yeah. Shout out to Tessica for, I think, being the first cis woman to get naked in our weird discord server. Hey. Yeah. Big day. You're doing the Lord in our weird discord server. Hey. Yeah. Big day.

You're doing the Lord's work and sweet butt. Hey. Oh, well, hey, congrats. I'll go check it out. Everyone knows I love a good butt. Yeah. Yeah. Other than that.

Oh, yeah. By the way, we should say this is our live episode recorded in San Diego a few weeks back. I want to thank all of our guests. We had Jay Savory. We had our boy from from butt fuck nowhere. Billy Bazaar. Gas station connoisseur, and of course

the other guy. No, who was the other guy? Kyle Clark. Kyle Clark. Of course, Kyle Clark. Kyle Clark. Hey, guys. It's me, Kyle.

I like having a groovilicious time. Well, I just want to talk about records. They're so cool. There's also really a moment I thought Was going to be Vinyl God damn it I like vinyl Both in record And toy form

I got a Funko Pop Of Robert Smith I want to be like One of the airbenders But for vinyl The vinyl bender Oh yeah I bought one of those

At Comic Con And I had DiMaggio Sign it My sister makes A guest appearance. I realized afterwards I should have explained anything about what was happening because she is the funniest person I've ever met. And then instead she goes, what the fuck is this? Can I go back to my seat, please?

Yeah, come for a poorly planned show. Stay to listen to us kind of harass mom's sister. That's funny. We had a nice crowd. I want to sincerely thank everyone for coming out. A couple people from the Lewis show came back again that was cool

to see those guys what's up dude what up weird man bun guy you're very cool I forgot your name yeah of course all our boys

we've gotten to know a lot of those guys just because we always see you in San Diego so we appreciate it and the crowd's a little light

in the beginning and this is true the Madhouse sent everybody to the other room where we weren't performing including my sister including your yeah people were getting through like

four comics like where are the mean boys yeah so i'm sorry and i'd run into him taking a shit and they'd be like oh hey when are you going on and i'd be like oh and they're like i'm in the other room so i don't know if you if you watched benign madhouse comics and you missed the show i'm sorry but here you go here you go here it is yeah my sister was so i thought you were hosting i'm like, so you missed the show. I'm sorry. But here you go. Here you go. Here it is. Yeah, my sister was so... I thought you were hosting. I'm like, I am. It's my podcast. She's like, this isn't a podcast. I'm like, no, it's in the other fucking room.

This is barely a podcast. We're related. No, this is a good podcast. I like the intros. We editorialize a little. I know, I'm kidding. No, fucking... How dare you shit on what I did?

It was a fun live one. I demand you applaud my riffs. Yes. All of it for me. And me alone. Sweet validation. Connor, the G, everyone's favorite. No, I go off who gets the most pictures drawn of them,

which means that Tom is definitely the fucking, the Justin Timberlake of the crew. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the two new drawings. One is me looking very, like looking better than I've ever looked, and the other one is me with this ginormous head, and I fucking loved it. I loved them both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that what that was supposed to be? Yeah, you look like the leader from the Hulk. Yeah. I couldn't tell if I was supposed to be smarter water-brained. Either way, it's awesome. A little bit of column A. A little bit of column B.

You know what I'm saying? All right, gang. So coming down the pipes, it's the live episode recorded in San Diego just a few weeks ago. Here for you guys to enjoy. You know, guys, we're doing the saddest podcast in the world with the lights on, which, boy, is that not helping. Tom, grab this one. Yeah, Tom, grab that one. It's very important that you guys understand what happened. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast

Yeah, we're doing, wow I'm glad the tallest one got on the stage Let's just sit in a big circle We drove down here thinking, well surely we told the Madhouse we were coming a month and a half ago They would have things like the microphones plugged in and a switch for the lights. Do we know how to make the lights not like fucking the dentist in here? Because this is like barbershop bad, poor lighting. I pressed every single one of those buttons and each one made it darker than the last.

Like, yeah, they didn't do anything i'm not mad i'm just weird yeah yeah he's kind of mad not really but it's funny here oh there we go hey all right yeah there we go no no if you open your prayer books guys i knew we were in good shape because i walked in the door of the club and they were like, oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that was nice. Yeah. I went on the website and there was no evidence we were here. I'm going to make to you guys right now a solemn vow, and that is that we as a group are never coming to San Diego again.

And that's not because of you. You're all great. Thank you guys for being here. God does not want mean boys to happen. We as a group are never coming to San Diego again. And that's not because of you. You're all great. You guys are all. Thank you guys for being here. God does not want Mean Boys to happen in any productive way in San Diego. No, it's great to be back in this city. This was a city I was molested in. I feel like I'm coming home.

This is awesome. That's true. You guys always wonder what that plaque was, but it's actually got a strange origin. It was at Legoland, so it was a bad trip overall. We drove past my favorite business as we pulled off the five. It's Bad Boy Bail Bonds. Are we familiar? Which is the subtext is, if you did that shit, you've got to come to the bad boys.

They get it. We'll get you out. It does seem weird that their imagery is, you know what's cool? Cry. You can just tell us you own a car, and we'll let you borrow money against it. We'll get you out. It does seem weird that their imagery is, you know what's cool? Cry. Yeah. You can just tell us you own a car and we'll let you borrow money against it. You were cool over here at Bad Boys Bail Bonds. I do love that you guys were 40 minutes late because you stopped to pee once. Yeah.

We left before Keith. We took the five the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's what we did is we had to pee really bad. And me and Tom, we're divas. We can't hold it. We got mostly me. But I was like, there's Well, here's what we did is we had to pee really bad. And me and Tom, we're divas. We can't hold it. We got mostly me.

But I was like, there's a Lowe's. We'll just cruise right in. There's a big parking lot. And then Tom let, I think, every single person in the world emerge in front of him for two hours. You can't see anything. And there's a big truck blocking him. He's just like, just go. Just go.

I'm not going to just go. He's home. And he's yelling at me. And then a giant pickup truck comes screaming across the road. The one time we needed you to drive the way we all assume you drive. I would be dead if I made that left.

Here's the deal. Oh, yeah, this is better than being dead. You don't, when you're around, like, business cars, you know what I mean? Like a delivery truck. What are you, a business car? Like a Subaru and a tie?

Yeah, that guy's getting paid to drive goods, so you don't have to. You get to cut him off. That's part. What are you going to cut off? You cut off every Uber driver you see. He was going like 60. Yeah, but he's insuring his acts of Tom. But he's hauling oranges.

I don't know. Fucking he's got to stop. He's going to figure it out. He'll pull over and hurt himself before he hurts you. And you just cut him. This guy doesn't know. Is he hauling oranges? I'm just picturing a business boardroom meeting, but the table is just full of different cars.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And who would be the boss of the cars? It's the Hummer. The Hummer is the boss of the cars. Really? Yeah, it's a corporate takeover. He's the strongest. The Hummer's the douchebag kid that inherits the company and then runs it into the cars. It's the Hummer. The Hummer is the boss of the cars. Really? Yeah, it's a corporate takeover. He's the strongest. The Hummer's the douchebag kid that inherits

the company and then runs it into the ground. The Hummer is the Les Moonves of the corporate car world, where it's on top and then it gets me-too'd for being too aggressive and loud. Yeah, what did happen to Hummers? That was like hot shit for like ten minutes, and now they're like, you have to get an old one to even have one.

It cost a shiny nickel a gallon back when they were popular. I think that's... Man, hot rips. Yeah, wow. Gas prices, they were one thing. Now they're another thing. America, am I right? Real groundbreaking shit tonight.

Things were once different. Oh, I'm sorry, guys, we're talking about car hierarchy fucking, and I came in with my nickel a gallon... I was trying to do a very funny joke about a car raping people. Nobody was fucking. They were in a place of business. Yeah. Anyway, if I listen to Connor, we'd be dead.

I can't be condescended to a guy who's wearing a hat that's from a knife company. It was gifted to me. It also doesn't fit your head. Can you show that bad boy? You look like you're wearing a hunting yarmulke. It's adjustable. Okay. Yeah, It fits now. It's adjustable. Right. Okay.

Yeah, it's adjustable. Be very quiet. We're hunting money. I love that it's like Tom didn't have enough knives mailed to his house. He needed one on his face. Yeah, yeah. There's more knives in the mail. That's something that these streetwear companies should get.

They should make fashionable yarmulkes, like a supreme yarmulke. I would make this one. I would buy and it would just be people ironically buying them and then no jews could actually get them when i worked when i worked at disneyland there would always be like jewish kids come in and one of them had a yarmulke and i swear to god it had the pringles guy embroidered what yeah who is the market for that i don't know fat children yeah well he wasn't even fat, but he's just like, I love two things, our old made-up God and this chip specifically. I just want to say I've had more weapons mailed to me this month by Mean Boys fans

than there are fans at this show today. Yeah. And, again, it is funny. And we couldn't even dim the lights and play music. It was just bright, fluorescent. Let's all look at everybody that bought a single ticket and is sitting kind of near another guy but still by himself. Well, I'm sorry we're not more famous, fluorescent. Let's all look at everybody that bought a single ticket and is sitting kind of near another guy but still by himself. Well, I'm sorry we're not more famous, guys, but we got some good comedians here.

We'll try to have some fun. I'm not guaranteeing it'll happen, but we're going to do our best. The possibility of fun exists in this room. And I was like, here's the thing. If this was just eight people that didn't know us or had anything, any stake in this, I can let you down all day. Oh, yeah. I've done that for my entire life. But to let down a small group of people that actually cared, that right there, as I said in the car, is an Altoid of sadness.

That is concentrated, bitter, and dark. It's curiously sad. That is Colombian cold brew misery. Have you guys noticed these mics aren't hooked up to a sound system? Is that a thing? I thought we were doing very well with our theatrical training covering that one up.

Yeah, it turns out we don't have the kind of cord you need either. Great! What could be better? The Mexican jerk-off, everybody. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That, I saw that take place. It sounded like a pre-recorded sound clip titled sad applause dot wave.

I'll take it away. A woman in Florida has been sworn in as the state's first openly autistic lawyer. She plans to bring a keen eye for details and a big pair of earmuffs for when the judge does the loud hammer thing. It's funny to have to call an autistic person Esquire. I think we can agree. A Japanese Olympic minister had to make a public national apology for being three minutes late for a meeting. Meanwhile, in America, Bryan Singer made a private apology to an 11-year-old for coming too quickly.

I just found out there's a B in meeting. I say words wrong. That's my thing. I love that we all lit up, like, should we be a dick? And we're like, let him finish. Yeah, let him finish. But the part where he added the letter B

to the word meeting was pretty funny. Letters are what you want them to be. I want them to be more legible on my phone. Yeah, hang that one up in your office and see productivity rise. A mountaintop. Letters are what you want them to be. That's like a guy who got a DUI who's not

accepted it. Letters are numbers with more sass. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Five. See a two do that shit. Have we talked about your number theory yet?

Oh, yeah. Every number gets crazier, right? What? Again. We've been listening to Tom yell about this for several weeks now.

Chaos theory. The more numbers, the more likelihood of something going awry. See, this is why Mean Boys is always an exception. We have very more numbers, the more likelihood of something going awry. See, this is why Mean Boys is always an exception. We have very small numbers, but still everything is going wrong right now. I didn't follow any of that.

You guys get me, right? Oh, fuck you guys. You couldn't even get them, you maroon. Yeah, a judge denied release for a member of the Coast Guard that had an alleged mass murder plot. He said in his ruling, sorry, rules are rules. You're not allowed to do anything badass in the Coast Guard. Even if it's kill everybody.

That's too cool. A Japanese satellite is attempting to fire a bullet into an asteroid. Replied Tom Goss, oh, sure, that's fine, but when I try to throw my axe at the moon, it's, we're calling the cops this. And it hit my dog, I think she's dead, that. It looked like Tom was trying to do real-life made-up Majora's Mask cheat codes.

Well, you threw one fire, one ice, and one water at the moon, and then the link is black. It's amazing. I saw it on GameFAQs. Fuck you, space. Yeah, no jets on that, Axe. If you were wondering. A Texas man broke into an abandoned house to smoke pot where he found an obese tiger.

The tiger grabbed the man's blunt, took a giant hit, and said, It ain't easy being cheesy. I do like Crack House Chester Cheeto. You know, he's just hanging out, telling stories about like, Yeah, when I was doing those spots, I was so rich. Dude, I used to be so much faster. He's a cheetah. They can run 70 miles per hour.

Now, that is faster than my car. Is that real? Yeah. 2011, I fucked Jennifer Aniston in the Nobu bathroom. It was a good time to be Chester Cheeto then. Not so much now. Then I had a meeting with my manager, and he told me it was over. He's got, like, track marks, and he's wearing, like, a young and restless hat he got from Marshalls.

And he's like, man, this fucking, oh, that's coming back. He changed got like track marks and he's wearing like a young and restless hat he got from Marshalls. He's like, man, this fucking it's coming back. He changed his name to Cheat Davidson. All right, guys. Scientists have found the world's biggest bee. Yeah, it turns out I was hiding a lot this whole time. And Keith Carey's bra, everybody. I thought it was hiding in the word meeting earlier. Damn.

That would have made it not only good, but great. Didn't get there. You guys ready for some political material? Yeah. Well, two backs. I only wrote five. Give him the bees-ness. The bees-ness.

Donald Trump Jr. is auctioning off the chance to join him for a hunting trip. In related news, please donate to my GoFundMe to send Dick Cheney. Donald Trump Jr. is auctioning off the chance to join him for a hunting trip. In related news, please donate to my GoFundMe to send Dick Cheney. Robert Kraft of the Patriots guy was caught doing the whoopee with a hooker in Florida. Florida states that begging hookers in their culture is just called dating. The whoopee. It's a very sad state. Everybody is a hooker.

They all have to be. It's the only way the economy works down there. It's a barter. It's like Star Trek money, but with pussy. If there's that much moisture in the air, you have to sell your body for sex. When they play poker, they just throw a bunch of asses into the middle of the table. That would be funny. If you were Coney and you had the child soldiers and you're losing a poker game and you throw an eight-year-old onto the table. And you're like, hold still.

You might be that guy soon. But you're not going to be because I'm sitting on gold. He's playing with Chester Cheeto in my imagination as well. Coney v. Cheeto. Coney and Cheeto 2012. The winner takes it all. All right, guys. 100 whales are being kept in a small enclosure in Russia.

Jeez, that sounds like the car pulled down here. A lot of fat guys. It makes sense when you see the fat guy coming up in a minute. Sorry, buddy. I should have thought through the continuity on that one. 16 people were trapped for several hours on a ride at SeaWorld. Park officials said they apologized for the incident, and those trapped were given free tickets to come back and kick a dolphin.

You guys are mean to whales. Well, I am, mostly. A Florida mayor tried to shoot two sheriff's deputies. Upon hearing this, the rest of the world exclaimed, Florida has a government? It is surprising. It's a bad place! I told you earlier!

It's bad there! Why won't you listen to me? Well, the biggest irony is that Tom is wearing a free hat he got from a knife company, which is actually the state bird of Florida. It's free knife company hats because they fall from the sky. Okay, gang. Fucking. No, I had a good. No, no, no.

There's some good ones in here. Please feel free to quietly rummage. To joke or not to joke? I'm being amusing about it. A man with cerebral palsy will lose his job as a Walmart creator because he won't be able to meet up with new physical requirements. His manager said, hey, I'm sorry, rolls are rolls, and drooling just isn't waving.

Now is it? That's so sad that they're like you got to build they're like they basically were just making the greeters do more like you got to be able to lift 25 pounds and move shit if we ask you to and that's literally a job created for the saddest people ever yeah created for you took a bullet and whatever war so now you have to sit here you're you're there you have to add perspective to the lives of walmart shoppers sorry sorry walmart charlie why don't you roll back to the unemployment line? Yeah.

How low do you have to be where the people walking into Walmart go, at least I'm not him? We basically hire a bunch of fucking 300 freaks to fucking be a real life upworthy article that blocks the entrance of our fat store. Walmart is the Florida of stores! It's bad there! That is the Walmart of volumes. You thought I couldn't mic

not speak pop! I fucked up that sentence, I'm aware! You take the words and rearrange them, I said them. You take some credit. I don't know who this Mike guy is, but Tom sounds pretty mad. This is our

co-host, a knocked over Scrabble bag. This is stupid. The World Health Organization says a deadly outbreak of measles is sweeping the country of Madagascar. Sources blame the plague on a gang of rascally talking penguins. Like the movie. What are they going to get into next, guys?

I'll open it up to the room. All right. A parrot was returned to his rightful owner after the parrot spoke Slovakian, the man's native language. The Slovakian to English translation shows the parrot said, he does unspeakable things! Such unspeakable things! My God, do not return me to that man!

Have you ever given a wing job? I got beat fucked in a porta potty! Please! My God, do not send me back to that man! I had to do butt stuff with a witch cracker! My God, do not give me back to him. You should never allow interspecies sexual chest poops.

That thing was bigger than me and knocked the wind right out of me. All life is hell. God is dead. The man's dick is too curved for me to perch on. Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird. Holy shit. Don't adjust your nice hat. Oh, fuck.

Several Catholic cardinals have spoken out, blaming the molestation crisis on the, quote, plague of the gay agenda. Yeah, gay agenda is better known as a Lisa Frank day planner. That agenda is gay. Who's she? It's not really the kind of agenda that a gay person would use, but to have one, I think we can agree, gay. Who's a Lisa Frank? She's actually a cartoon monkey.

Believe it or not. I know this is going to be a lot for you to process right at once. She's actually two pandas riding a unicorn. I am not fucking with you. Alicia Frank makes cartoon monkey shit. Who's Alicia Frank? No, Alicia Frank is nobody. Who is the person, man or woman, who he spoke of?

We're giving you answers and you're shouting for different ones. You remember in middle school how girls had a cute cartoon monkey on their shit and it looked dumb and you went, that sucks. That's what it is. I don't remember that. Well, that's the Mexican joke. You guys did a real fun show playing for you. We got some great comics.

And honestly, we're even going to let them use the microphone. We're just that generous. And I'm talking into the other mic so this picks up on the very valuable podcast recording. That's going to let them use the microphone. Because we're just that generous. And I'm talking into the other mic, so this picks up on the very valuable podcast recording. That's going to be priceless. Okay, guys, this first guy coming to the stage, he's tremendous. He's one of our favorites.

We're very excited for you to meet him. Everyone, please clap here. Let's get some enthusiasm in here. Hang on, clap real loud for Chris Avery, everybody. One more time. The motherfucking Mean Boys are brought to you by the Himalaya podcasting app. Who's that?

It's me. I was a podcast, honey. Oh, cool. And who's that in the patrol car with you? That's why don't you introduce yourself? I got a perp. I am here, Mr. Ear, here to tell you about Himalaya audio podcast. Yeah, we caught him chasing people at a Circle K with a screwdriver.

That's not true. I have no hands. All right. I was getting stuck in the hole. I was injured. Mr. Ear is here to tell you about Himalaya Podcasting App, where you can go listen

to all of your favorite podcasts, subscribe to a big playlist, tip them. I gotlists. Tip them. I got a quick question. Is a perp allowed to read ad copy while he's being detained? I think he thinks these are his Miranda rights. I'm not a perp. I'm an ear. And you can have

an ear full of great podcasting. Pod save his cursed soul. Actually, Officer Money, could you read me the podcasting Miranda rights written by Himalaya? You have the right to remain poorly recorded. Anything you say can and will be taken out of context and used to slander you when you get a real job. That's true. Okay, all right.

If you cannot afford to provide for yourself like an adult, a Patreon will be founded in your name. I'll lawyer you. Something about client, attorney, sponsorship. I don't know, man. I don't know the Miranda rights. That's when you have the right to remain foxy well into your 40s. You have the right to remain silent.

I'm more of a Samantha rights myself. Everything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law. You have the rights to an attorney. If you do not have an attorney, what will be provided to you by the state? Listen, I hate to break the fourth wall, but I couldn't help but notice that while Tom was doing that, his eyes glazed over as though he was looking into the future. Like some manner of ancient necromancer gazing into a cauldron of knowledge.

So was Tom reciting things that have been shouted at him at a 7-Eleven many times. That's why I stick with being an ear. There we go. It's Mr. Ear again. We're back in the groove. Misty the podcast. Now, what do you like to put in, I guess, your mouth? And how do you put sounds through the...

No mouth. Just an ear. Well, I'm saying that the ear hole would be like Mr. Ear's mouth. It's a clay-ken. A clay-aken. You got a clay-aken, like a gay duck. Fuck. The point is...

Himalaya, it's a podcasting app and not just a mountain that you could climb to make a living for yourself. Yeah. That's a callback to the intro, baby. Yeah, it's got an easy-to-use interface. It's got a playlist function, a tip jar, and all your favorite shows are already on there. It's lightweight, clean, and it's got quick download times. It uploads quickly, too. Yeah.

Way quicker than the other podcasting apps. Sadness to my ears. Maybe not for a show that generally uploads about 20 minutes before the show goes live. But yeah, in theory. No, I mean in general. Like it'll be up there before it uploads to the other app. Here's how you know Himalaya is a trustworthy company. They think this is an acceptable advertisement.

They listen to what we're doing here. Keep it up. I enjoy them. I guess I should let you guys take this mystery ear character to the big house. Yeah, I gotta take him down to the big your mom's house. That's a podcast, right? Yeah. Okay, cool. Hey, pretty good.

That wasn't bad at all. My ear is going to be tainted. Cool, get in the fucking car. Tell it to the tell it to Judgey Diaz. I don't know. Is that a thing? Yeah, sure. Tell it to Judgey Diaz. I don't know. Is that a thing? Yeah, sure. Tell it to the Judge Rogan experience.

Don't drop the headphones. Mr. Hear, hear. Say goodbye. Himalaya podcast. Download a podcast. Download a podcast. Listen like a ninja. Listen like a ninja.

This is still my ad. Jay Saver. One more time for still my ad. Jay Saver. One more time for Jay Saver. Jay Saver, you guys. Wow, this doesn't work. I like that. You had to take it away from him like a driver's license. Like Grandpa drove the N-word through a farmer's market on Facebook.

That's no good. Real quick, it was because Jay apologized. He goes, sorry we keep talking about woman. And that's why I said, I like woman. He did not say, sorry we're talking about woman. I said that. He said women. Like how a human would.

You said woman. It was rude for us to apologize. I said woman? The implication of us apologizing was like, well, Tom, you're never going to have to have these problems. It was like we're smoking in front of each other. On that note, I also want to bring up, this is my very first

time a family member has come to a Mean Boys vibe. My sister was in the other room for the whole first part of the podcast. She's here now, and I'm very happy. It runs in the family, everybody. And her boyfriend. At some point, she's going to go back

into the other room. She's going to be like, I get it. Tom's loud. She's a nice woman. She nice woman. I don't understand what I'm saying wrong. That's the problem. I don't remember the tone. I don't remember the exact words

But the tone of it was as if you just shouted Whores good Here's the thing, if you said I like women That makes you just a normal red blooded American If you said I like woman, you're Frankenstein I really Hey gang, we're going to play one of our favorite games From Mean Boys tonight

This is a game we call Did They Die? Yeah. The rules of this are very simple. I'm going to tell you guys a headline, something that happened. You guys have to decide if the person in this story died or not. These are all going to take place in Jace's hometown. Oh, yeah, I knew that guy. My granddaddy?

Yeah, emphysema. Yeah. All right, well, let's start with one of the most on-brand Mean Boys headlines I've ever read. A woman overdosed on heroin while driving a school bus full of special needs students. Did she die? God damn. This is if Otto from The Simpsons was real. If not, it's hilarious.

Right. Did she crash the bus? Oh, mercy, yes. All right. Where did she crash it? Into a ravine or just into a pole? Well, I can't tell you. How short was the bus?

Well, if you can't tell me, that means it's something that's like a volcano where it's definitely deadly. Yeah, you'd have to go real off-base. Yeah. How short was the bus? It was a normal-sized bus. No, no, no. She crashes it into a volcano,

and then one of them crawls out, and it just burned off the chromosome I didn't need. And now I'm special needs Vader. A normal-sized bus for me or a normal-sized bus for you? A normal-sized bus for me or a normal-sized bus for you? A normal-sized bus for me or a normal-sized bus for you? Like the size of bus. How is that possible?

Like, is it special bus-sized or is it the full length of a regular school bus? We know how retarded the kids are. How retarded is the bus? What bus did woman drive? Did she die because of the heroin or did the kids just try to CPR on her? Just crush her chest. You do CPR on her and you blow her. You blow a mouthful of Legos into her mouth.

Yeah, she choked on some Skittles. Yeah. Which he said were for emergencies. Because I don't know if you guys know, Skittles are like EpiPens to the disabled. If they're having a hard time. That's straight adrenaline for them. Yeah. That's the Pulp Fiction shot.

Just a Twizzler to the heart. Every of the bags, 43 Skittles in every single bag. I learned that on the bus. What is this? Now you're talking about it like it's prison. I learned it on the bus. That's when they told us every bag has 43. I made that up, but it sounded believable, right?

I actually did believe him. Yeah, I know you did. Yeah, same. Oh, well, fuck you. I'm sorry I don't know all these Skittle facts. I'm going to say she's dead. Yeah. I think she died three different possible ways.

Okay. I'm going to say she's alive. Price is right. She is alive. Woo! Are the kids dead? The kids are alive as well. Aw, damn it.

I know. Just keeping on being a burden to the taxpayer. All right. What happened, though? Where did she crash? She crashed just like... She just drove off the road into like a yard

and then the cops gave her Narcan and she stopped being dead. Gotcha. They gave her a drug that was actually tested on a comedian you might have heard of

named Connor McSpadden for $4,000. That's 100% true. Yeah, yeah. I had cottage cheese put in my butt for $600 and I saved this horrible

special needs endangerment. Well, thanks for probably saving my mom. Thanks, one. A man entered a porta potty at a Baltimore Ravens game. Minutes later, the porta potty burst into flames. Is he dead? And I'll just tell you now, because the article is very

clear, no one knows why it caught on fire. I think he was doing drugs in there. At a Baltimore Ravens game? Yeah, that's the best football team to do drugs for. That is true. Wait, what did this happen? How could that possibly? Was Ray Lewis still on the team?

I don't understand. I have a Google alert for port-a-potty. It's not football season. No, Tom, port-a-potty technology has not changed. It's a plastic rectangle you shit inside of. I'm talking about football science. Like, they don't play right now. Chase played.

You understand. Yeah, he played for a little bit. So, yeah, we need a guy with a better helmet to come put out this fire. You understand what a season is. Yeah, exactly. Fall, winter. Was Ray Lewis on the team at the time? Might have been him.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, well, if only they had the juice to put that fire out. He didn't play for the Ravens. Tom doesn't know what a bit is. It was a comedy podcast. That was the problem with my joke. Oh, no, but gosh. I think that guy is dead.

Because it's like once the plastic's melting, it's hard to crawl your way out. That like aperture gets fucked up. Here's what a lot of people don't know. You're covering poop. Poop is explosive. So that's a bomb pretty much that he lit in there. So, yeah, that's that's that's that's terrorism. He's dead.

He's yeah. I'm going to go alive again. Yeah. Methane. You light poop on fire and it goes off like dynamite. That's why when you go through TSA, they make you shit. They give you EpiCat. They make you fill up a bucket with poop.

They give you an enema. If you have enough feces, you can make things go boom. Well, that guy's dead. Yeah. Ah, shit. That's what I told you. He straight up melted to death. Yeah, they said when the poop exploded him, they knew he couldn't be saved.

You don't think I know about bombs? No, I'm just kidding. A standoff ensued in Seattle between a four-year-old with a gun and his pregnant mother. Oh, fuck. That's a tough negotiate, you know? Yeah. So do we guess that the kid died or that the mom died or both of them? Dealer's choice.

Let me know what you think happened. Here's my move. I'm like, let me tell you about bedtime in the foster care system. All right? It ain't pretty. 8 p.m. Yeah. Nine sounds pretty good now, Henry.

I think they got to be both dead. Where did the standoff happen? In Seattle. That's the information I have. Was it on a street corner, in a house, grocery store? It was in an old-timey saloon, actually. There was a door swinging. You know, there were other people present.

Somebody must have looked and said, hey, write a story about this. I've got to figure it was the Carey family Winnebago. Seattle, guns, pregnancy, that's everything. Yeah. Here's the thing about small children. They're not good at shooting guns. It's harder than you think. Here's the thing about small children.

They're explosive. Yeah, yeah. What a full of poop, and what does poop do? It explodes. Yeah, ergo, boom. What was the race of the family? White. It explodes. Ergo, boom. What was the race of the family? White. Everybody lived.

Wow. You said the mom was pregnant? Correct. I think the kid is dead. Which one? The one that isn't made yet. The coming soon. I think everybody's dead. The kid shot the lady in the face, but everyone's alive.

What? Yeah. That's somehow the worst it could have gone. Because now you're a single mother of two, and you have like 80% of a skull. That's got to be hard. Imagine how long the pause is before, well, for starters, you're grounded. Right? All right, two more.

A man attempted to avoid paying for a ticket to a Chinese zoo by jumping a fence. That fence led directly to the tiger enclosure. Oh, that guy's dead. Tigers, I mean, look. And the fact, these are tigers that get pointed at for a living, you know? It's like if Tom didn't get to talk on the podcast and then one day you gave him a cat, it would be gone. So it's like most episodes of the podcast. Man who smoked that joint with the tiger, he's still alive.

The tiger had no problems with him. Yeah, he was hanging out in the basement with Chester. Yeah, well, he had the freedom. He had his own home. Most Americans don't have their own home. Yeah, let's get political. Let's get economics involved. I'm just saying, you give tigers more homes

and trickle down economics. The lions start being happier. You get house cats with the barman. For my first platform position, HUD for tigers. You're the Bernie of tigers. When I build the tiger projects, everything's going to be great. Yeah. I'm assuming by Chinese zoo, you mean a zoo in China, right?

That'd be correct. Not full of Chinese people. Not get a load of all these Chinese. Not the Irvine Zoo. I think my role in the podcast is just to not say anything and then say something racist really quick. Yeah. Oh, great. It's awesome, Jace. Everyone's loving it. I told you you're very tall. Huh? You're very tall. Yeah. Oh, great. It's awesome, Jace.

Everyone's loving it. You're very tall. Huh? You're very tall. Oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah. I would say he's bad, dude. Okay.

I feel like if there was like a scandal, like if Jace coached high school football and like one of the teachers got caught like fucking the kids, they'd be like,

oh, well, yeah, Mr. Davidson. He's like, it wasn't Mr. Davidson. He's the guy who you can't believe didn't do it. I was like, I tried to fuck him for years. He's like, it wasn't Mr. Davidson. He's the guy who you can't believe didn't do it. I was like, I tried to fuck him for years. Yeah, right.

I couldn't find an in. Extra credit, no credit, nothing. This kid is uptight. I'm going to guess everybody dead. Yeah, Tiger's alive. Guy's dead. Nice. Hey, Tiger's alive.

That honestly, I mean, we have that other story, but that speaks pretty well to tiger police sensitivity, which we seem to have improved much quicker than the color barrier. Well, the tiger's only half black, so it's, you know. Right. Yeah, they only shot the black part. Oh, no, that was a gorilla I was thinking of. Animals. Yeah, Coco.

No, not Coco. That's the sign language. The sign language. We're going down a real dog rabbit hole here. Welcome to the trying to remember the name of famous gorillas podcast where we got Harambe and Coco confused and then realized those are really the only two. Cecil the lion cast.

Yeah. All right, last one. A woman discovered her boyfriend had a secret Tinder account, so she attacked him with a samurai sword. Ooh. Wow. She's single. I got to figure probably.

Here's the thing. Nobody in America that owns a samurai sword has any upper body strength. It's all just weak. Hey! You don't own a samurai sword. I have a samurai knife. It's a different thing. What is that?

It's for suicide. Tom has dynamite on him right now. No, but a lot of poop. Yeah. What was the question? It's a mall samurai sword. Is he a trailer park samurai sword guy or is he a guy who wants to fuck Japanese

girl samurai guy? The lady has the samurai sword. Oh, this is a completely different story. or is he guy who wants to fuck Japanese girl samurai guy? The lady has the samurai sword. Oh, this is a completely different story. It is pointed out that she went to the mall and bought the samurai sword for this attack. He's fucking dead. If there's a receipt involved in a weapon purchase, you're goodbye.

Well, if she tried to stab him, he might be dead, but slashing him, it'll break in half. They made it nothing. You know, pieces of shit. So I him, he might be dead. But slashing him, it'll break in half. They made it nothing. You know, pieces of shit. So I'm going to just guess dead. All right. I'm going to go alive. Okay.

Yeah. I think they're both dead somehow. That dude is alive. Is she alive? Everybody lived. Damn it. Wow. That's it.

That's did they die. We want to go raid that evidence locker for Tom. More blame for Tom How about another round of applause for Jace Avery Thanks for having me Love this guy You want to introduce Billy? Yeah, yeah

This next guy coming to the stage I've gotten into a lot of wacky adventures with this guy over the years A lot of different bad gas stations And I'm excited for you to meet him He's one of our oldest friends And it's. There's a lot of different bad gas stations. And I'm excited for you to meet him. He's one of our oldest friends, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Everyone, please clap right now for Billy Bizarre, everybody. Give it up for Billy Bizarre, you guys. Fucking Billy Bizarre, everybody.

One more time for him. Oh, man, me and Billy go way back. I got a lot of shit I want to talk about with us. What's my favorite? My favorite one is one. Billy has tricked three different hot women into marrying him. And by watching all your material about your kids, it's like, oh, this is like if shit really didn't work out for Louis C.K. He never even got a chance.

I do want to point out to the listener, Billy looks like somebody pushed me and Tom into the machine from the fly and then aged whatever came out 40 years. Like that? And you were telling me about the look that her kids gave you the first time that you stayed the night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And go for it. Connor, I remember I'm driving a 2018 Chevy Malibu, and Connor literally goes, if you fuck this up, we're all going to beat your ass. He knew it wasn't going to end well.

And but anyway, yeah, I felt that it wasn't, but I wanted it to go well. I was hoping for it. Well, she's actually we're actually good friends. It's just we got married too quick. So it was obvious to everybody who wasn't a comedian. But so anyway, the first night that I stayed the night over, Connor stayed the night. He was in the guest room, which was a badass guest room. It's pitching.

You have no idea how many loads I dropped in your ex-wife's guest room. Wait, the first night you stayed the night at her house, you brought Connor? Yeah. And you got divorced. I know. I know. So her kids had never seen me walking out doing the walk of shame. And so I get up, and she's got four kids and I have three.

So it was kind of walking Billy does pretty much. Yeah. It always ends with shame. Yeah. So anyway, and I'm walking out and the kids, the three younger ones are in there and they're friendly and they're saying hi. But the oldest one is mowing the yard and they're riding a lawnmower and she cuts her eyes like and i try to play it off like the sun was in her eyes and connor's like you know goddamn well the sun wasn't in her eyes yeah but it was yeah go ahead oh yeah i just said like she knew that he fucked her mom

but she was looking at him like he fucked his dad you know it was that level of content i do want to point out that one time i slept on billy's couch and I woke up in the morning and those children were both staring at me just going, he sleeps so loud. That was a good one. You just had a little health scare where Billy, you can't see tonight because of the hoodie, has the hardest nipples ever. Your nipples are always turnt. And you would wear these T-shirts. You'd wear like a silk v-neck rock and roll T-shirt,

but it's made out of that shit that you like put inside the present bag. So it's not nipple concealing at all. And then you went to the doctor. What happened? I actually had to get a mammogram. I went to the physician's assistant

and I actually thought she thought I was going to be messing with her like it was a joke because she knew I was a comedian. And I said, hey, weird thing. For the last 10 years, my nipples are pretty much hard 98% of the time. Now they're burning. I like a woman looking something up and she's like, yeah, there's nothing in the index. Yeah, they were like on fire burning.

And so she stood up and was like, take your fucking shirt off. And I was like, what? And I was like, oh, this is part of the joke. Somebody get me an orange. Yeah. She was like, that's nothing to joke about. You should have went to the ER 10 years ago. I'm like, what?

And so she immediately was like putting the fear of God. She said, you got a lump here. You got a lump here. And I'm like, make sure there's not shit food hidden underneath my tit. And so I had to go to get one. And all the women that were getting one. I had six gummy bears removed from the mastectomy. I was the only dude that day.

And those women were giving me the fucking stink eye. You were probably the only dude that week. Like you were running some kind of racket. Yeah, exactly. So I really, really respect women who go through that because I'm not as, I mean, I'm big chested for a dude, but for women, I'm probably an A cup, I guess. And so they had to make it fit. Hell yeah, you are.

They had to make it fit me, and it wasn't pleasant at all. And it came back negative, thank God. Yeah. And then there was a note from my doctor saying, change your fucking diet. So that's what I want to do now with my titties. What kind of food can you eat? You got a rockin' nips fat. Like, I didn diet. So that's what I want to do now with my titties. You got rocking nips fat. I didn't even know that was... I'm terrified.

Yeah, you should be. How do they put you on a nipple diet? What are you... I hung out with you, what was it? Two and a half, three weeks the first time I went out to Oklahoma. And we never didn't eat anywhere that wasn't a 7-Eleven.

I saw this motherfucker get deviled eggs from a common go. First time I went out to Oklahoma. And we never didn't eat anywhere that wasn't a 7-Eleven. So I'm guessing that had something to do with it. I saw this motherfucker get deviled eggs from a common go. And unfazed. And every time I get him after that, I would send him a message saying, this might be the night. You just sent me your gas station delicacies. He was like, yeah, they're doing fucking salmon now. Let's roll the dice. The last time I did it, though, was the last time I did it.

There was a gas station outside of Joplin, Missouri. And I'm sitting there and I'm paying for it. And they said, hey, what will it be? The usual? Well, they knew I was. They would stack up extra ones for me when I came and pick them up. But the lady was like, have you tried our chili? And I originally my interest was piqued.

And I was like, well, I said, I may not like it. It may be too many vegetables because, you you know I don't want to eat healthy too many vegetables in this Arco brand chili so she goes here use the sample spoon not fucking plural the sample spoon oh god

I remember I told you about this yeah yeah they had a fucking spoon to try the chili at a gas truck stop outside of Joppa, Missouri. And, of course, no, I'm not trying it. I'll eat these deviled eggs that are probably going to kill me, but I'm not trying it. Because I saw somebody that was literally sticking their finger in the chili, licking their finger. And then it was like, hey, where's the spoon?

Like she was used to being one fucking spoon. I'm like, no, I'm good. And I stopped. I graduated. And the lady behind you said, can I get extra fingers in mine? Well, speaking of things that are fucking disgusting,

I made a version of one of our oldest games from Mean Boys. This is Porn Commenter Yelp Review. Yeah. Can we do one more meme? This is my favorite

meme in Billy's story. Okay. As we were performing. I'm sorry. I just don't want to lose it. I'm going to be real with you. Kyle Clark can't find parking So keep on telling stories

Tell them to park in the structure Oh yeah I'm on that So we're performing at the anniversary of a comedy club And they rent us tuxedos Because it's their one year anniversary So two nights in a row Me and Billy walked into the same come and go Wearing matching tuxedos

Which is the most horrifying. You're like, why is he abducted and groomed to be his weird, fancy, quinceanera sex slave? Yeah. And it was the same guy, both guys. It was just like, how long is this weird gay honeymoon? We'll be honeymooning at the Circle K. We'll be honeybunning at the... I know, you honeybunning at the I know you can get those at gas stations I thought that deserved 10%

That was okay You've named a lot of foods in the past three minutes Sister are you enjoying the show Yeah This is a family trouble It feels like we're putting on a talent show In Tom's living room Good for you.

You're very loud. As many stories as I have with you, the only dick that I've seen was his. Oh, yeah. Oh, word? Yeah, because after I left, I got alerted that you were sitting at the female. Remember I told you? Okay, hang on. Hang on a minute.

No. Because that sounds. No, a lady and I made out. Yeah. And then she asked me to send her. She sent it to, like, everybody else in the area. Could that sound? No, a lady and I made out, and then she asked me to send her. She sent it to, like, everybody else in the area. Oh, word? The next morning, I'm like, how many women in Oklahoma have seen my dick now?

Well, no, it was all dude comics. Oh, tight. Nice. I guess she wanted sympathy. I don't know. But I wake up to four different messages. I didn't mean to, somebody. You're making this sound real rough.

No, you didn't. No, no, no. I'm saying, I thought you knew the story. Well, it comes out now. I sure didn't. Yeah. So, anyway, I just thought it was funny. Oh, I am.

I've been saving it for tonight. So I get four messages that every one of them, bless you, every one of them. Very polite. Southern hospitality. Every one of them led off with, you're probably not going to want to see this, but look what your buddy from California sent. And it was just that thing. And I'm like, what the? And at first I was like, good for him.

He's getting plenty of sunshine. But no, but the person who started the whole thing was, you know, the albino we all know and love. Oh, yeah. Oh, that fucking guy. He was the one who started it. Now, if you looked at Billy and thought, this guy's never had a feud with an albino, that's where you're wrong. I would say you've had more feuds with albinos than, I guess, the gypsy population.

Or the son. Or the natural foe, yeah. But we've got porn commentary overview. I'm very excited. You know the game, Billy. You've just got to tell if this is a PC tax or porn. Free up. All right, so first one, quote,

that shit is drier than Popeye's biscuits. Oh, I hope that's not drier than Popeye's biscuits. Oh. I hope that's not... That's about an ass. I have it tingling, and I'm usually right when I tingle. It's an ass. I know ass tingle.

As a guy who makes a pauper's wage just criticizing the human body, that's a bit much even for me. Drier than a Popeye's... I got to go go porn just because this has gotta be like the yeast infection vagina I was talking about. Where when you try to fuck someone with a yeast

infection, it's just like Wile E. Coyote painted a road in front of a wall and then you go in there and it's like trying to fuck a panini. It's just no... You can't get anything done. There's just kind of pieces falling off like a poorly washed sweater. Oh yeah, because there's all these kind of crumblies like when you got a runny nose and you're just like, well, we gotta clear some of that out. Hang on, you can't get anything done. There's just kind of pieces falling off like a poorly washed sweater. Oh, yeah, because there's all these kind of crumblies like when you got a runny nose and you're just like, well, we got to clear some of that out. You can't blame the vagina when you're the one fucking it with the yeast infection.

Well, I ain't no bitch, Tom. That's one thing I know about me. And, you know, a lady needs to come and maybe she's got some bread in her cunt and you got to still do your job. Wow. Holy shit. No one's coming out of this segment looking great. Maybe some barbecue place. I'm gonna say Yelp review.

Alright, we got two for Paul and one for Yelp. It would be weird to describe biscuits by just evoking other biscuits. There's no creative writing there. That is a Yelp review of the curly fries right here at the Madhouse Comedy Club. Oh, wow. They have good curly fries. Yeah, well, not according to this.

Also, don't you want dry fries? Why would you? Ooh, they're soggy. Have you ever had a Popeye's biscuit without nothing to drink to go with it? No, I don't eat at Popeye's. Oh, well. Yeah. It's the driest thing.

It's styrofoam with butter on it. Pretty much, yeah. They actually used them to line the outside of the space shuttle so it can enter. Number two, quote, damn, it's EBT all day, every day. Well, here's the problem. If this is a porn comment, it's racist. Definitely. If it's a Yelp comment, it's way more racist.

It is also racist, but it could just be a guy saying, there's a great Wix store that just opened up in our neighborhood. If it's anything but a review of where we go to get our food stamps next week, it's racist. That's got to be Yelp again. I think it's Yelp because I don't like a world where it's porn. All right. It could be one of those sayings where the girl's like,

I forgot to have money. And the guy's like, ah, I forgot to have money. And the guy's like, well, you can fuck me for money. And then someone's like, ah, EBT would have solved these problems. You wouldn't have to fuck that guy. And the erection would be gone. Food stamp tramps coming soon to

Brazos. Tom, do you think you can buy hookers with EBT? I'm all in with you. You absolutely can buy hookers with EBT? And the government just goes, well, that's what we gave them. I'm all in with you. You absolutely can buy hookers with EBT. That's true. I'm saying maybe. Well, it's funny. You can only buy groceries.

So you have to buy, I guess, 500 cabbages and be like, well, you fuck me for all these? I'm saying maybe someone saw her like, oh, she could have just applied for food stamps instead of, you know, riding that big dick or something. I don't hook. I don't know how it works. I want to say Yelp again. We're going Yelp there? I'm torn. You guys should start a podcast without me called Food

Scams. Now that, I think... The Great Dancer, that is a Pornhub comment from a video called How to Make a Baby. Okay. And I want to point out, go home and take a look at this video, because it's a lady having some pretty good sex But she's wearing A shower cap

For some reason And it looks like A stern mom From a Tom and Jerry cartoon Getting plowed It's very upsetting That's a lady Who just got a blowout

And it's like You can come on my face But this was $35 Oh Kyle's here Number three Quote How deep can you plunge her? Isn't that more of a question Kyle's here. Number three, quote, how deep can you plunger? Isn't that more of a question

for a philosopher than three simple comedians? How deep can you plunger? How deep can you plunger? Her or plunger? Plunger. I barely know her. Like a noun, the plunger.

Yeah, it's like the noun. Her like woman? No. I plunge it. Yeah, it's like the noun. Okay. Her like woman? No. I plunge woman. I've heard it taken the plunge, but that's... I used the context of that word wrong. Yeah. I got to say that that's a Yelp review.

Okay. I'm going to say porn. I don't know what... Yelp review for what? I mean, if it's a porn, it's a lady who's got some serious pussy farts going on. You know, like some waka waka. Yeah, yeah. A real fuzzy bear situation.

It's nobody's fault, but it happens. Yeah. You know. Some people have a chatty vagina. Yeah. Sometimes the vagina matches the rest of the woman. All right? Tom, your guess.

I think that I still don't know what that could be a Yelp for. I mean, I guess a toilet store, but that doesn't sound likely. Who leaves Yelp reviews for a toilet store? You probably. Who leaves any of this? I don't have a Yelp. I'm going to go ahead and say porn.

That's a porn comment from a video called Fucking My Asshole Hard With A Plunger. Of course. And I know what you're wondering. Which end? The worst one. Oh, the fucking big one? Oh, no, the little one's worse. my asshole hard with a plunger. Of course. And I know what you're wondering. Which end? The worst one. Oh, the fucking big one?

Oh, no, the little one's worse. Oh, the big one. How do you get it in there? It tears you up. The little one's sharp. Splinters. It's not sharp. No one has a sharpened plunger.

It's like your dad trying to defend Winnebago. I watched the video, my dude. It looked sharp. What did they sharpen? I don't know, man. They sell them round. It was actually round when they went in. It's a rectal sharpener. It's a plunger sharpener.

All right, two more. Hey, Tom, my pencil's dying. Two more. Even the ducks look sad. Oh, this is from Tom Goss' diary, age 12. This could be about hockey. This could be about hockey. This could be about a pond. This could be about sex somehow.

Well, yeah, that's how the game works. It's going to be fucked in public volume 12 or something like that. It's a Gonzo. Yeah. It's one of those Gonzo productions. Gonzo and Fozzie Bear. Big round for the Muppets. Yeah, I'm going to say that that is a porn comment. Okay. Me too. Gonzo and Fozzie Bear. Big round for the Muppets.

I'm going to say that that is a porn comment. If ducks want an autoerotic asphyxia, all they have to do is eat some bread. Or a Popeye's biscuit. That's a Yelp review of SeaWorld. I didn't say my answer. I'm going to say Yelp review of SeaWorld. Wow, nailed it.

I know, I'm smart. I can't stop looking at how confused your sister is. Hi, Larissa. Last one. Yeah, it's... It's her boyfriend. I don't know him as well. I've known her most of my life.

Him more recently. Most of your life. This is the frustrating thing about working with Tom. No matter how funny he tried to be, he's funnier than you when he just has small talk the wrong time. It's good to see you. That's all I'm saying. I'm surprised you're here too.

No, like the two of you. Okay, I'm going to stop. That sounded bad. I'm just letting you roll, buddy. What's the next review? If Tom uses so much as one word that can mean two things, he goes out of his mind. No, I meant you as well.

Not like those both of you. I know there's two. No, waterhole. Well. Well means two things. Speaking of waterholes. The last one. Quote, here are the list of things I love about the hole.

The hole always wins. I am the fudge lord. I am the hole master. The hole always wins. This is a guy gambling in Keith's mother's pussy. This is on the video where they put the broom in and it came out sharp again.

I think that's... You put a plunger in and it came out of room. I think that statement was on a plunger in and it came out of room. Oh, there's a plunger. What the hell? I think that statement was on all three of my divorce papers. The hole always wins. Wow. The hole has the edge.

Yeah. The Superior Court of Tulsa will probably check it out. Do wells have Yelp? Could you leave a Yelp review? Only if there's like a dying child at the bottom of them. Well, none of my wishes came true, and I feel like I should tell somebody before they lose a perfectly good quarter. Does space have Yelp?

Tom's going to start. I'm just trying to figure out where you can say the whole one. Tom is going to start a blog reviewing wells and call it well actually. Volcanoes. You can't Yelp a volcano. You can absolutely. You can Yelp anything. You can Yelp a volcano. Well that's what those kids did when they got driven into one earlier.

I'm going to say that that is a porn comment. Tom your thoughts. It's got to be. I think this is some sort of nihilist volcano man. I'm going to go Yelp. I don't know what the hole could be.

I said porn every time. Tom, nihilist volcano man is what they call you in Japan. Or after he eats a Taco Bell. I want to go with porn. We're going with porn. Great to answer. That is a Yelp review of a gay bar here in San Diego called The Hole in the Wall. Hey!

Hey! And that's it for Porn and Yelp. One more time for Billy Bazaar, everybody. Glad to have you on the show finally, man. Thanks, Jeff. Wow, we got one more comedian coming up here to entertain you fine folks. He's one of our favorites. You know him, you love him, probably.

Everyone, please make a line right now for Kyle Clark, ladies and gentlemen. Kyle Clark. Hey, guys. Hey, buddy. What's up, Kyle? We're going to give you this one. Kyle Clark. I love him.

We've got to clap for Kyle. I love this guy. Thank you, Connor. Pretend you care. I love that you and I are standing on this. When I first walked in, I thought that Tom and Keith were on their knees getting ready to blow you in the kiss. Well, it's come to this. We summon the Baphomet. San Diego will cower in fear.

San Diego's like, you think this is our first Baphomet, bro? They're going to get a bro for that. San Diego's like, you think this is our first Baphomet, bro? You think of the Brophomet. It's the devil wearing Corona sandals. Yeah, he's half goat, half Rome. Kyle looks like a scarecrow you put in front of a record store to scare away people that don't know enough about Fugazi. It's like, that guy's going to give me shit if I ask him if waiting room is good. It is. Tom has our final segment

prepared for us. You guys know Tom Tomperdy, right? You guys applauded for a second. Real quick, Kyle, how would you like to play with my little sister, too? Yeah, please. Larissa, get up here.

Oh, man. Larissa, get up here. Okay, hang on. I want to clarify what happened. Tom comes up to us in the back and goes, hey, would it be cool if my sister played Tom Pretty with you guys? And we said, yeah, assuming he would communicate that to her. Yeah. Why would you assume that? What about Tom Goss says he's got this planned out? I'm not going to play. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. We're just going to make fun of Tom's dumb brain. Yeah. And then he said, why would you assume that? What about Tom? God says he's got this plan.

Nothing bad's going to happen. We're just going to make fun of Tom's dumb brain. Yeah. So I won't explain it. Come on. I don't either. We do it. We do a game on the show called the Tom Goss lightning round where we give Tom a simple concept of noun and then he fucks it all up.

So it'll be like, Tom, what is the devil? And he'll say edgy God. So here we've reverse engineered it, and we get Tom's explanation for a very simple concept, and you have to figure out what that is within the category.

We play Jeopardy-style rules, and now we're going to do it in front of a disinterested woman, which is really... Is that usually in your episode description? Yeah, that's what comedy's all about, is doing something bad in front of a lady. Like, I'm sorry, but I have to.

We're related. Audience, I can't, I'd love to know, is this, we're the ones who went to a hockey game, or is this your other sister? No, this is the one that was very bad. Oh, this is the one I haven't met. That she was not invited to that hockey game. Oh.

She was the only sibling who did that. This is great. I told your other two siblings, how crazy is it that your brother has a cult following? And their verbatim response was, we don't really care. Yeah. Well, this is you're the sister that was lying to the ice cream

man, right? Are you tricking the ice cream man? Look how upset she looks. I don't... The video's with Lauren. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I tell them things. They're my Lauren. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I tell them things. They're my friends. We know a lot of dumb stuff.

Man, you look so bummed out. Content is really hard. Yeah. All right, guys. We'll get into the game. You guys want your categories? Yes, please. Yes.

Yeah, we're bloodthirsty for them. There was my phone. Your categories are weapons, porn, men to be fucking, and swamps. You knew two of the categories were porn and men to be fucking. You wrote the game and you were like, you know who loves those things? My sister.

I just think she's funny. She looks really dumb. You know what this looks like? This looks like white ISIS kidnapped Ellen Page. We're making the worst video about it. Yeah, all right. I'm going to start it off.

I will say weapons for 100. Weapons for 100. So here's how it works. Do we still shout bear cum? Bear cum. If you know the answer, yell bear cum. Yeah, if you know what Tom is describing within that category, you shout bear cum and then you give your answer.

Don't worry. It gets more confusing. I'll be real. You don't have to participate. I'd love to see her, what she thinks. Okay. All right. Ready?

Weapons for 100? Weapons for 100. All right. Cut hammer. Bear cum. I think that was Keith. Axe for 100. All right. Cut, Hammer. Bearcum. Axe. Correct. Damn it. I knew it.

Weapons for two. Weapons for 200. Boom Death. Bearcum? Gun? No. Bearcum. What is a grenade?

No. What? Oh, shit. Bearcum. What is a musket? No. What do you think Boom Death is, Larissa? Ponder silently.

Is it better if I know it? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think anybody knows it. The correct answer was cannon. Ah. I was closest. Yeah, you know, I feel like we were all right, and we just weren't.

Not for me. I can't wait for this to be the one part of the show that sells. Keith controls the board. Weapons for three. Weapons for 300. Murder stick. Bearcum. Sword.

No. Bearcum. What is this? A bo staff. No. What? Bearcum. What is this?

A spear? Correct. Oh, motherfucker. While I am proud of you for not making the clue for spear racist, I am annoyed that I lost the points. All right, Kyle controls the board. Men who be fucking for 100. Men who be fucking for... That's such a broad category.

It's most men. For 100, Bear Cum, Tom's dad. Fat Gollum. Bear Cum, Harvey Weinstein. No. Bear Cum, me. No.

Bear Cum, but you sure it's not Keith? Kyle, Larissa? Fat Gollum? Fat Gollum. Gollum the Pokemon or Gollum? Fat Gollum. Gollum the Pokemon or Gollum from Lord of the Rings? That's a good question. Is it? Bearcum?

Are you sure it's not Keith? Yeah. Uh-uh. Ron Jeremy. So sort of Keith I think of him as the spiritual I think of him as the beta for Keith Like they tested that out Now they've got the good one

And this is the alpha version The first pancake of me's Kyle still controls the board Porn for 100 Porn for 100. Porn for 100. Reverse glasses. Oh, bear cum? Cum in the eyes?

Close enough. Facial. Points. Just got to worry about aim. It does make you see worse afterwards. It does make you see worse, yeah. I finally joined the Mean Boys' most sacred of clubs of people that have accidentally come on their own face a few weeks ago. Welcome, friend.

You're tall, so it takes a lot. The distance is longer. Yours has to arc over this whole... What's crazy is the rainbow trail. Keith's cum had to pole vault over his gut. It's like Angry Loads. You gotta aim it. Why did it come out black?

And then it hit a pig. Connor's made a good choice in having Keith box so he doesn't keep accidentally making eye contact with Tom's sister like I do. Thank you for being here. I've heard so many great things about you, but you do look like you should be creeping everyone out in the lobby of a hotel

300 years old your room you check out whenever you want you look like one of the nice girls you see at the beginning of the wicker man before shit gets weird I'm still convinced the Goss family has sacrificed someone together we're waiting for Tom to accidentally

casually throw it out and then have to double back. Yeah, it seems like you guys just sit around at Thanksgiving like, remember when we ate that guy? All right, you want to pick another one? Oh, yes. Let's go porn 200. Porn for 200. Here are the smell videos. Oh, bear cum.

What is poop stuff? Close, but not. Bear cum. Fart porn. Correct. Hell yeah. Porn for three. You know, if you do have a fart porn video,

this is a problem I've had too many times, is you've got to label it, because I'll start watching something, and then someone just starts ripping ass while they're getting fucked, and I'll be like 38% of the way to cum. I'm like, all right, well, that knocked me down to five. I've got to start over.

This is a rumor I can ask this. You ever had a bad day and then just watched cake farts and laughed your blues away? Thank you. Wow. That was too many people related to that. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not aware of your audience?

Like, you said it like it's a Bruce Springsteen song. Like, at the end of the day, daddy watches cake fart videos. Like, why doesn't everybody think about his football career? Like, watching cake farts is our version of the bar from Cheers. Yeah. Everybody knows you're gross. Why'd your sister leave? Because she was having a great time?

She was having too much fun. She had to go over there and take some over to that side of the room. She whispered to me, like, you guys are real fast. I want you to give up my seat. Nice to meet you. You guys, give it up for my sister.

I've always wanted to bring a sibling on stage. In theory, that was a really good idea. And you have two perfectly good siblings to try it out again. Porn for three. I feel like Shun is really going to crush. Porn for 300. Cock-munism.

Wait, what? Oh, gangbang. I got it first. That's an orgy. No. Oh, it's a bukkake, then fuck. Bukkake, then fuck? Here it comes. Gangbang? That's what they said.

They used different words. Gangbang and an orgy are a very different thing. Gangbang implies one person is really the receptacle. I was planning. What is the damn thing? It was double penetration. Oh, okay. I learned that a musket and a cannon are

wildly different ideas. Thank you. Porn for four. Porn for 400. Oh, the uncombed heroes. Bearcum? Chastity? No. Bearbed Heroes. Bear Cum? Chastity? No. Okay. Bear Cum.

Gay Guys? No, they cum a lot, dude. No, they cum a lot. That took their whole deal. Bear Cum. Jerk Off the Construction Videos. No, Fluffers. It was Fluffers. Oh!

I hate it when they make sense. All right, let's go. They're doing the work. They're getting over the work. It weirdly makes it harder. You're like, oh, I get go. They're doing the work. They get no reward. It really makes it harder. You're like, oh, I get it. Let's get out of the crassness of porn.

Let's go to Men Who Be Fucking for 200. Men Who Be Fucking for 200. The head guy. Oh, God. Bear cum. Jack in the box? I don't know. Jack does be fucking.

Bear cum. Donald Trump? No. Okay. Ooh, the head guy. Bear cum. Donald Trump? No. Okay. Ooh, the head guy. Bear cum. Jack Nicholson? No.

Megamind? No. Did you see? John F. Kennedy. Oh. Okay. That's like a Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. Very clever.

Do you guys remember when we Me Too'd the Jack in the Box guy? I was just thinking about that, where we Me Too'd a character. Me number two. He'd made a bunch of ball jokes, and that was cool. Bear come to our... What am I doing? Men Who Fuck 3. Okay.

Shiner Lake Guy. Well, if I haven't seen the first two. Yeah. What was it? Shiner Lake Guy. Shiner Lake Guy? Yeah. Shiner Lake Guy. What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell? Shiner Lake Guy. Shiner Lake Guy? Yeah. Shiner Lake Guy.

What the fuck are you talking about? What the hell? Shiner Lake Guy. This is Dr. Manhattan coming on a face, and it's a puddle, and... I got nothing. I got nothing. Think of men who be fucking. I am.

Always I am. Ted Kennedy? No. There it comes. Jason Voorhees? No. There it comes. Jason Voorhees? No. I don't know. You guys said his name earlier.

Jack Nicholson. Son of a bitch. Wait. Shiner Lake guy. Yeah, he's a huge Lakers fan. He was at the Shining. Okay, suck my ass. Suck three tits and die screaming, you fucking moron.

What was the fourth category again? Oh, yeah. Swamps. Let's do that. Swamps. Well, swamps for one. Swamps for one? Somebody's recording their album in this room after this, and they have to wait until we're

done talking about swamps. Ground rugs. What? Ground rugs. Oh, bear cum. Oh, fuck. Moss? Ground rugs. Oh, bear cum. Oh, fuck. Moss. Correct.

Wow. I was going to say lily pads, and then I remembered foolishly those are water rugs. All right, swamp for two. Those are water coasters. Aids flies. Bear cum. Mosquitoes. Correct.

Wow. Swamps for three. How is swamp so much easier than men who fuck? Tongue lizards. Bear cum. Frogs. Correct! Wow.

I'm going to run the track on this shit. Swamps for four. Swamps for 400. Groundwater. Bear cum. Puddle. No. Ah, you bitch.

Oh, fuck. Bear cum. Pond? No. Bear cum. Shrek's diarrhea. It was mud. Oh! Mud. Bearcum, pond? No. Bearcum, Shrek's diarrhea. It was mud. Oh.

Wow. Sure. It sure was, Tom. Yep. Swamps for five. Cup knives. What? Cup knives.

Cup knives. Cup knives. Oh, that fucking shit. Like those sharp titties back in the 60s, you know? Bearcum. Venus flytrap? No. That was honestly, if that's not it, then what the fuck is it?

That's a lot smarter than what I wrote down. No, really? Cup knives. What? No part of a cup should be a knife. You're drinking out of it with your face. The number one place knives aren't supposed to go. Juicer.

Yeah, I'm picturing a blender here. I don't know. Do you guys have any guesses? I got nothing. Bearcum imagining is just a juicer. Yeah, I'm picturing a blender here. I don't know. Do you guys have any guesses? I got nothing. Bearcum, what is a juicer? No. Don't you dare condescend to my fake answer. It was a beer bottle.

They're in every swamp. Go to a swamp. There's always a beer bottle. This game has moved from Tom to shitty child And I like that you mostly think of beer bottles As something that can be fashioned into a knife You can drink or hurt with that We have one more on porn right

Let's close out porn Porn Wet island videos Say again Girls Gone Wild No I say that every night. Wet Island videos. Say that again? Wet Island videos. Girls Gone Wild? No. Bearcum.

Bukkake? No. Bearcum. Andy Samberg getting peed on. Solo masturbation. Oh, because in Island you're alone, it's wet. All right. I'm sorry you guys are fucking poets. I love though occasionally if you watch Tom's face when we give an answer, you can see where he goes, that is a better answer.

Men will be fucking for whatever Mr. Two Quarters oh bear cum 50 cent is he known for fucking I feel like he's not really I feel like he just wanted to say Mr. Two Quarters I mean 50 cent probably fuck

I'm sure 50 cent famous, has had sex with him. He's known for fucking Chelsea Handler and the people who make the show Power. He fucked Chelsea Handler? Yeah. Oh, man. You never heard her casually say Fitty like it's his first name? I've never listened to her say anything. It was a real whatever episode of WTF is happening for a while.

Okay, well, yeah, let's go whatever. Is there still another porn war? There's one more people we fucking. Men who be fucking. 500. Good life McComplainer pants. Good life McComplainer. Oh, Bear Cum.

Conner McSpam. Yeah! Wow. We be fucking. It's an honor. It's an honor to be above Jack Nicholson, a president 50 cents in Ontario. I'm so glad we saved that one for last. No, there's weapons.

You guys forgot about weapons. Well, that's the problem. The fans have made my life too good by complaining about things. And now I have to invent problems. And that's how you become Republican. Weapons for 400. I'm going to be Adam Carolla in like three years. Pen loser.

What is it? Pen loser. This is it? Pen loser. This is in porn? Oh. No. Sump. When you put it in too far and you can't get it out. Oh, pen loser. Oh, shit.

Fuck. Bearcum? Catapult? No. Oh, fuck you. What is it? Dagger? No. Fuck you. What is it, dagger? No. Kyle? Save us. Guillotine?

I heard an audience member get it. It was a sword. Sword. Oh. Oh, because the pen is mightier than the fuck. I'm going to be honest. Both you and the audience member, go fuck yourselves. Oh, God. Die.

I don't like whoever taught you phrases. You shouldn't know how much a bird in a hand is worth. Tom and the New Yorker is a dangerous combination. He already looks like the bear from all their cartoons. Tom writes for the New Jersey-er. The New Jersey-er. The New Jersey-er. Weapons for 500.

It's a crocodile taking a shit, and he's like, Mondays. The New Jersey-er. Weapons for 500. Extra hand. Extra hand? Oh. What is Goro? I already know this is wrong.

One of those guns, and it's on on a spring and it comes out of your sleeve So they don't know it's there Are you thinking of Inspector Gadget? I'm thinking of that documentary about you taxi driver Describe to me the episode where Inspector Gadget had a gun Go Go Gadget half day at this school Go Go Gadget don't film this My favorite arc was... Go, go Gadget, don't film this. My favorite arc was

Inspector Gadget's desk duty after he killed a kid. I got nothing. I got nothing. I lose. Fuck. Extra hand. Extra hand.

Anybody know? Wait, wait, wait. Bear come. Brass knuckles. Points! Teamwork. That was teamwork though. You got in my head.

I was thinking what gives you one more hand? With the assist from a unicorn and I'm not just saying that because it's a black woman who likes this show. Wow. Man,

been sitting on that for a while. Alright, we got one more. Final solution? Do we want to do final solution or go straight into lighting?

We're not doing lighting. Alright, final solution. Alright, this is the last one or go straight into the lighting? We're not doing lighting. All right. All right. Final solution. All right. This is the last one. All right. Final Jeopardy, but for Tom Tomper. I thought it was called a final solution, which is a much worse thing.

Category. Personal hygiene. Okay. Oh, fucking God. You know nothing about this to begin with. Somehow the answer is a beer bottle again. All right. We wager everything because we're running over our time.

Smell clothes. What is it? Smell clothes. Smell clothes. All right. Everyone think about your answers. All right. Smell clothes.

It's personal hygiene. Smell clothes. I think I know it as well. All right. All right. Do we want to just throw our guesses out? Yeah. I'm going to say a Kleenex.

Okay. I'm going to say laundry detergent. Okay. I'm going to say dryer sheets. I thought this was the Jeopardy music, but it's just the YouTube ad that plays. I was like, why are you playing that bumping fucking Domino's commercial? All right. The correct answer was Deodorant.

I won. Son of a bitch. Wow, guys. Well, one more time for Tom Goss and the Tom Goss Lightning Round. For Kyle Clark, for all the comedians you saw, and for yourselves. Thanks for coming out. This was a blast. Holy shit, we did it.

I'm sorry it was kind of bad, but it was fun. Now, on the count of three, let's have a nice fuck everything, God is dead, and we'll go say hi. It'll be fun. So, one, two, three. Now on the count of three Let's have a nice fuck everything God is dead And we'll go say hi it'll be fun So one two three Fuck everything God is dead Alright we'll see you outside guys Crazy shit

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