Mean Boys - EP 192 - Nut Busters (feat. J.P. McDade & Mike Feeney)

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

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Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up guys? Brand new episode today with your friends and mine, Mike Feeney and J.P. McDade in the studio. Two of our favorite dudes out of New York. These guys fucking rock. I love these guys. They are really just like me, more put together me's, both of them, which is a little hurtful. Truly a collection of white mediocrity on display. I know, like Mike is just me if like my hair kind of stayed the same direction when I cloth it up. Mike's hair is beautiful. I know, it's-

I feel like I was too invested in dunking on him so I didn't give him enough props for how gorgeous his hair is. Yeah, and I like, I mean, my hair is fine. It's like curly. It's got a cute curl to it, but it's like, unless I grow it out real long, which is like, then I just look kind of,

I look like I'm seven fucking years old. I've never seen his hair move. Yeah. Venus? Yeah. Well, yeah, it achieved perfection and then froze there. I know, I gotta see,

I wonder if he's got some product, right? Maybe he's like flat ironing and pomading like I used to do in high school. Yeah. Fines? Yeah. Well, yeah, he had achieved perfection and then froze there. I know. I got to see. I wonder if he has got some product, right? Maybe he's like flat ironing and pomading like I used to do in high school. Yeah. If he had a whole regiment in place that he had to make two hours every morning, I'd feel better about it. But if he wakes up like that, fuck him. Yeah, he looks like an action figure of a surfer. Like, it's good luck.

And JP is just me plus two inches and three semitones lower in the voice. JP's you with bass. I know. Yeah, very emasculating podcast for me. But those guys are great. Listen to Mike's podcast, The Irish Goodbye, over on our sister network, the Gas Digital Cabal. Mean Boys News, the Patreon goodies are in roots. This month we're doing stickers again.

That's right. We've got a Kevin Spacey Didn't Do It Foundation for the Learning Arts sticker. This might be our first piece of merchandise based off a riff from a bonus episode uh it's our first piece of merch based off of a real life crime yeah uh rapist and exclusive content riff so it's very accessible yeah uh we have that we have the the big chop logo uh yeah you know that one's a lot of fun rep the big shot and we've got to do more episodes of that because we've got nothing but weapons at this point. And we got some tweets asking when the next big shot is.

We did just get a package from our boy Will containing our crossbow. Yeah, we got that. Thank you to the guy. Do we not have the slingshot? Is that a- Oh, no. I have the slingshot. It's an OC.

Yeah. All the weapons except for the blowgun are accounted for. Gotcha. And I even got a new knife today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sending that. Oh, yeah.

We should say thanks for the... Someone sent us a big care package. Do we remember who that was? But it was just full of medicine. It was anonymous. Oh, it was anonymous? Before we went on the tour. Yeah.

It was somebody from like Madison Avenue. Oh, okay. Well, thank you. Thank you to the high power Wall Street broker who also sent us a bunch of butt wipes. Someone who just said return address Trump Tower is a bit. And now we have a lot of Tums. So that was nice of you. And then the last sticker

is what's the last sticker? I made these. I should know this. It's Mr. Ear has a posse because I don't know. Fuck everything. I give up. Yeah.

Because why? The cruel hand of God is forsaken. You guys love the ear. Yeah. And shout out to Rebecca from I forgot your last name. This is an awesome point.

We probably don't need her last name. Yeah, that's actually, that's also fair. That's the gal from the band. Yeah, Mean Motor Scooter. You should check out her band. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then we probably should know her last name because she has a public thing she wants to have promoted. Yeah, back out in Texas.

She's from Mean Motor Scooter, great band. Check them out. And she designed that. Find one of the seven women that like the show and use the process of elimination. Oh, and I want to give a... Speaking of women who enjoy this show, our friend Maddie over on social media,

Maddie Hallman. Maddie Hallman. Maddie Hallman. She posted a picture of her graduation. Can't believe the main boy's there. Yeah, she graduated from college, and she put all these people who helped her get through college because college sucks on it and she put us on her hat yeah yeah which just really goes to show you the isolation crisis happening in america today

yeah well like that was so sweet yeah it was really nice i've always felt a little bit of like weird shame about like i dropped you know i'm smart but i dropped out of high school i didn't go to college and i always thought i would do that so seeing that i'm like oh okay i fucking. So seeing that, I'm like, oh, okay, I fucking did it a little. That counts. Not even like that. I was like, I made it a little less shitty for someone else to go do that. Whatever I did instead of do that has worked out okay for me. So it was a very sweet moment, and I appreciate that.

So congrats, Matty. I know, and it is weird. I say some yeezys because, I mean, you're a real big part of why I didn't kill myself in medical school. I'm like, all right, cool, thank you. I love that we're wasting our lives helping people achieve their potential. Yeah, and you know, sometimes you have to accept at 26 years old that that's your role, you know?

Yeah, I am stairs for people to reach the middle. You provide a floor for your betters emotionally, and that's what you do. What are we if not a bounce house for your achievable dreams? You are a suit jacket thrown over the puddle of capitalism that helps people not sully their shoes on their way towards middle management. Anyway, congrats, Matty. Yeah, congrats, Matty.

Congratulations. Thanks for the hat-based shout-out. I also want to plug real quick. I have a new podcast out. No, yeah. I have a new podcast out. I have a new podcast out. There's two episodes out right now. It's on Spotify, Himalaya, and

SoundCloud. iTunes. I've been trying to get on iTunes for over a month now, and I've emailed them twice. They have not responded to me. It will be on iTunes. Mark his words. By the powers of God. Yeah, you can listen to the first two episodes. One is with J. Savory, which if you're a listener of goss you can yeah you can listen to the first two episodes uh one was uh is with

jay savory which if you're a listener patreon you've you've already you know listened to that one other ones with keith uh keith carey and i gotta be honest man like i joke about this on that episode but it is a sincere thing i'm so used to podcasting with you in the context of mean boys where the gag is like ah you're fucking retarded or whatever right and then like to like have you like not only do a serious interview with me but also do a really good job like you want me to almost cry at one point like yeah i was open about shit i've never been open about like things i've been asked on other podcasts i'm gonna be honest with you tom i've actually really considered listening to it i will say if you're a mean boys listener and you and you've been invested in the lore of my mom,

I tell a story on that show that I've never told on another podcast that might be the darkest to my mom. You've never told me that just in passing. Yeah. Do I know this one? Possibly. I'm not going to spoil it here because I don't want to. Okay, yeah, we've got to drive traffic.

Go listen to it. I mean, just like we went to San Diego after you put out that episode with Jason. He was on there and it was a blockbuster like even with just these seven people or whatever they were on the patreon they had to show just were like losing their minds but we heard about it all over the road yeah tom is doing something really special over there and i think it's gonna be really cool so go check that could have picked a better adjective but no it's it's it's a subject matter that i struggle with and i'm trying to understand better myself and so far the guests have all been phenomenal.

And in terms of things, Tom has a lot of thoughts about groups way up there. Yeah. So, like, I mean, it's definitely there's a lot of meat on the bone. As you're about to find out, garlic. Yeah. Yeah. No, I am. I am excited to fucking.

Yeah. For this new direction of Tom. Yeah. But please, please subscribe in a new light the way that I see you. Yeah. Subscribe to it on SoundCloud, Spotify or Himalaya and soon to be iTunes I'll make an announcement about that leaving the tribe is what it's called Yeah, and we'll have the link for that will be at the top of the show notes. Oh, it's a quick easy

That that is you know, maybe if you don't move your car, maybe I forget to put the link there though Can you guys tell me'm in a good mood because I'm acting like a shitty king? Yesterday we went to a fucking we were on our way to a meeting and we were going to a smoothie bar and Connor was being such a relentless piece of shit the whole drive that I knew he was feeling better.

He's like, you know nothing about smoothies, you fat faggot. And I'm like, oh, my friend's better. I called you a dunce and you remember this. I know, but I'm exaggerating. You like to put these homophobic words in my mouth. Not the powerful vocab... Anyway. What else do we have to plug?

Fuck. T-shirts on sale right now. Yeah, small, medium, large. Still available in the store. I know a few of you guys have already bought them. We'll be mailing those out very soon. Yep, koozies are coming in tomorrow. Thank you, TotallyPromotional.com, for your prompt koozie creation and delivery services. And the stickers will be in shortly after. So the merch is coming.

I know there's been a delay. I know there's always a delay. I'm always sorry. And I always mean it. I just want to point out one more time, too. We've gotten a few emails from people who have been asking us about logistical stuff with some merch shit and some Patreon stuff. We see your emails.

We're going to get them this week. We've just been busy getting back from tour and getting our lives back in shape so if you've emailed us we didn't forget we're coming yes um i think rather than that check out the reddit discord same old same old same old same old follow us on the social meds tell a friend yeah if you have a friend yeah and if you don't your social worker probably likes podcasts you know they got a commute too yeah tell a friend tell a stranger tell a captive in your basement i don don't know. Yeah, give that voice in your head something to preoccupy himself with. Whoever you yell at on a daily basis, scream of the mean boys. Yes, and enjoy this week's episode with J.P. McDade and Mike Feeney.

Hey, everybody. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Never find true love and it turns out to be five Vicodin. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Mike Feeney. I'm JP McDade. And I'm, I think, at a commercial audition I'm not going to book. I'm here with the two more attractive versions of me In my own bedroom You guys do look like an evolution chart

Of just white Seven hood You have to trade me To your friend while I'm holding an Abercrombie gift card And then I turn into JP That's how it works Feeny's like the tan Irishman for some reason Connor and I are over here on like

The moss eating bog people side of the room. With each of us, it seems like we're all missing one less chromosome as it goes down. You're Irish too? Maybe? Is that what gave it away? The podcast is called the Irish Potato Palate. That's also true. That's exactly it.

Whiskey chums. It's called Excuses for Your Wife's Bruises. The podcast. You showed up in shorts with the hair and the palm trees. It's called Excuses for Your Wife's Bruises, the podcast. Every week. You showed up in shorts with the hair and the palm trees. It looks like you're wearing a parody of an L.A. guy outfit. Oh, yeah. It would be like if I went to Japan wearing a triangle hat and taped my eyes. With your tape.

Stop trying to assimilate. I don't want you. I didn't own any of these clothes before I got here. I woke up with them. I think this is what happens. You just hit the lost and found at the airport. Yeah, yeah. It's nanotech. T You just hit the lost and found at the airport. Yeah, yeah. It's nanotech.

TSA just hits you with some sort of weird laser. You look like every person in Huntington Beach right now. You fit in very well. It's a compliment. Is it a compliment? I don't think it is. Not for me. Pro-A wakeboard.

For the listeners, I'm wearing a Knicks starter jacket. Spike Lee, Malcolm X hat. Yes, a pair of the NBA Timbs. Wearing a Knicks starter jacket. Spike Lee, Malcolm X hat. A pair of the NBA Tims. Wearing a never forget baseball hat. A pair of jeans that have the logo of every NBA team patched on them. JP's also wearing fucking Anthony Jezelnik's essence, if you can. Damn it.

I thought I got out of his shadow. I thought he smelled edgy in here. How is he going to misdirect us next, guys? I see it coming. I know that much. Do I grow a beard? Do I not? I guess, yeah.

How are you guys liking L.A.? I love L.A. Really? I really do. I feel like a lot. Sorry for the earnestness, but I really like L.A. How about you, Feeny? Do you have anything interesting to say?

Fuck L.A. I guess that's it, yeah, because fucking J.P. He's an O.C. guy. No, L.A., man, it's great when you're a New Yorker and you come in Fuck LA He's an OC guy LA man It's great when you're a New Yorker And you come in You get an out of town treatment But I imagine living here must really grind on you

All this warm weather And happiness I would go right back to the bottom of the pile If I moved here Where is it that you think you're at? Comfortably lower mid-pile? Yeah. No, we're all lower mid-pile, man.

It's all right, you know? Yeah, I have lower mid-piles. I've been constipated for like three weeks. That is a joke for a 90-year-old man. Is that an actual constipation terminology? No, it's a hemorrhoids joke. Lower mid-pile? Piles.

Oh, I thought you were just talking about your stomach. Oh, there we go. Lower mid-pile. There you go. Maybe that dude from the fucking... The pile's not just in the lower mid for Keith. Let's be honest. I am the pile.

It's all pile. Piles of children bones. I'm man hemorrhoids. Keith's fucking road constipation was honestly haunting. Oh, yeah. This man looked like he was turning into a werewolf. If you're sharing a room with him, that's a blessing. I mean, it's not...

I've never really been particularly offended by any of Keith's shits, but when your shits turned on you and started attacking you from the inside, when they mistook your own body for a poisonous outside organism like cancer... Antibodies. Upsetting shit. You were just... I've seen you sweat doing nothing a lot, but this was definitely the most that that has happened.

Well, it was also just how quick into the tour. We landed, and then four hours later, Keith's like, I might have to go to the hospital. It was just landing in Texas that did it for me. Do you have enough water, pal? I generally do. I thought I was. Were you smoking enough cigarettes?

I went two hours without breathing fucking asbestos. The Simpsons bit with Mr. Burns' diseases. All of Keith's vices have a similar function where it's like your body has adjusted to being full of roast beef and nicotine. At any point, try to improve. It's a house of cards that comes from one direction.

I just fucking implode like a stepped on can. Juvenile diabetes? This is pretty good. Speaking of travel shit, I just got back from Reno, and I was pretty pissed off by my Reno experience because Reno is actually really nice. I was just expecting, like, divorce guys and windbreakers blowing menthol smoke on their wedding ring tans,

but it was, like, a beautiful river and restaurants and shit. But the fucking club owner, and I don't think he has the Internet, so I'm going to speak about him at great length with impunity. Nice, nice, nice. He's like a 63-year-old bachelor. And I'd never had this experience before. He was a man that was so off-putting, his dog was depressed. I've never had a dog that hated being alive before.

But it was like a three-year-old chocolate lab. People were over. It should have been having the time of its life. It was just like, whatever. Do I get to die yet? Yeah, you can pet me if you want. Just in the shade, not even getting the sun from the window. Listening to the Smiths.

Also, calling him a 63-year-old bachelor feels... You're not a bachelor at 63. You're alone. Yeah, well, no. It was like a 63... We were staying in his condo with him. He just crushed his pussy. You had to stay in the condo?

That's why the dog is so sad. He's just seen this man fuck a haunting amount of women we did a gig at a casino like in like a pit bull ass kind of nightclub and uh the other guy i was with was like hey can i get passes to come back tonight and they're like yeah sure you'll probably see him here and he was like what there's this 63 year old guy who i guess just asks women if he could take pictures of them like you're looking pretty today yes somehow that's creepier than if he didn't ask it's not creepy in reno that's the one place you can do that it's on the sign when you drive in yeah it's not creepy in reno yeah

weird shit welcome yeah is there a prozac for dogs now yeah uh probably it's just regular it's called really is that like the new getting your dog high is just feeding him prozac yeah you got you actually have to chew it up and spit it in his ear. It's a whole thing. It's like baby bird. You ever meet the guy with the fucking gas station poncho pullover woven thing that's blowing hits in his dog ear? He loves it, and the dog just looks sad. The dog is rapidly decaying.

You're like, this isn't doing anything, but probably giving me an infection in here. I'm trying to be a cliche, man. I lost half a Q-tip in my ear. Oh, yeah. Two days ago. Is that still in there? It sure is. How do you keep inventing fatter problems for you? Yeah, yeah. My ear is so fat, it ate a Q-tip.

You're the only guy I know who needs lube to Q-tip his ears. I can't figure the way it helps with a Q-tip. Yeah, we put a Q-tip in my ear, can't figure the weight helps with a Q-tip. Well, dude, this is the most... Yeah, we just put a Q-tip in my ear, and I pulled it out, and all the cotton was gone. And I had one of the roommates look in there, and they couldn't find it. And the most embarrassing part is I Googled, like,

you know, a Q-tip is stuck in my ear, and every Google result was for, like, if a baby does that. So I had to clarify, like, no, I'm an adult man. I did this to myself. Okay, well, this is right up there with brushing a tooth out of your head. Yeah.

You're trying to improve your physical station. You loved it too hard. Yeah, and I now have two cleaning-related injuries. Now, do you not have, like, is your hearing a little bit worse now? It's not. It was never good, but it's definitely a little shitty. Couldn't you just, like, put some water in there and it would just kind of make it? Dude, I tried to, like, hose it out with, like, one of the little, like, squish bubble things. Yeah Couldn't you just put some water in there and it would just kind of make it... Dude, I tried to hose it out with

one of the little squish bubble things. I put medicine in there. You tried to get Pac-Man to eat it up? I tried going in with another Q-tip like fucking rescue team. Yeah, nothing worked. I talked to my girlfriend's sister who's a nurse and I'm like, should I go to the hospital? She's like,

I don't know, give it a week and see what happens. So when a medical professional goes, I don't know, that's not a super great sign. Yeah, they're like, you actually invented this problem. Yeah. We don't have a go-to for this. What if you Google it, the first 20 results are a guy who did the same thing and then got like skull abscesses?

Yeah, and Yahoo Answers just said, find a really tiny black guy to put in there. So that wasn't super productive. Thanks a lot, internet. I tried garlic. What? Garlic fixes everything.

It was actually cotton, not vampire, Tom? Yeah, yeah. No, I had it fucked up when I was a kid. My parents just poured simmered garlic in there and I've never...

Simmered garlic? Yeah. Tom's parents, by the way, famously write about everything. They're great at raising their son. They cooked the garlic

and then put it in your... Yeah, they got the juices out of it. They like mangled your brain with hot oil. We're trying to grow twins in his skull. I can hear like a motherfucker still

so it kind of worked. Like I was, I was, yeah. Well, I think it broke your ears in that you hear everything but you retain none of it yeah tom you're you're like three like fake studies away from being a guest on the joe rogan experience just put garlic in your ears and you'll have to

remember that one chick from heroes who can hear it'll be like that it's gonna be great jamie pull it up pull up the garlic pull it up this guy can hear the weather change you put cbd oil in your ear man he's like all right jam, you go in the other room, and you got to tell me what he says. No fuckery, all right? They're just balls? How did he guess? I'm telling you, you guys are overlooking this garlic thing.

It really helps. I'm not overlooking anything, because you haven't really said anything. You kind of brought something up. I've said garlic like four times. Sounds like chopped up in olive oil, because that's the only way I can picture it. You don't put it in olive oil. That's going to taste terrible. Yeah.

If you're eating it, something went wrong. You want to put it in your ear, and then it fucking cures everything. So you're putting minced garlic that's already been on a pan. You simmer the juices out of it. Yeah. Tom's HMO is an olive garden. It just seems like you're adding more problems. The fact that you're confusing this man from the Gas Digital Network as a known hotbed of Italian activity.

This is a pretty cockamamie idea you've cooked up here, Mr. Goss. Look, I'm not saying it makes you smarter. I'm just saying it makes you. No one assumed that. We were in no danger of thinking that was the case. It fixes your ear. Basic infections, wounds, any of it. Garlic is the cure, man.

Yeah, you know Zoodles. You put one in your pee hole and you can time travel. I don't know if it helps STDs, but I know it's helped fucking everything else that my family's done with. I think it will help people not fuck you because you have garlic coming out of your skull. Yeah. To help prevent STDs. You simmer it down. No one knows.

That doesn't mean anything. You got to stop saying simmer it down because that's not in any way helping. You've got to simmer down with the simmering at the end. You've got to. Yeah. The garlic should be a liquid, and then you put it in your ear. That's not. The garlic doesn't turn into liquid.

Garlic is a solid. Simmer it down is a phrase that should really only be used by low-income mothers. For those keeping score at home, Tom is trying to explain medical terminology, and we're trying to explain the basic concepts of matter. Yeah. Solids, liquids, gaseous. The problem with talking to Tom is you first have to cover human language and society,

which has proved pretty fruitless up to this point. Yeah, we haven't even gotten to vowels yet. He's already trying to break down time travel. Look, man, you can just enjoy the ear the way it is, or you can simmer some garlic down in it, and it'll feel better. Keep saying simmer. Yeah.

What do you think simmering is? The inside of Tom's ear. You sizzle it and it'll feel better. Keep saying simmer. What do you think simmering is? The inside of Tom's ear. You sizzle it until it's wet. You gotta learn more than four verbs, buddy. Sizzle it until it's wet. They're not as interchangeable as you think. Verbs are super interchangeable and I don't know where the fuck you're getting that from.

Guys, you gotta come get me. I got into a car simmer. What happened, Tom? You guys, I simmered a kid on the road and he kept driving. You know how there's like the big black sidewalk in the middle? It's like in that. You mean the street, Tom?

Yeah. No, it's like sizzling right around the simmer line. Yeah, you have to get face sizzled by fist. If you guys could just simmer over here. The big black sidewalk. Crenshaw Boulevard. We'll be right back.

Yeah, so listeners at home Please take the Tom Goss challenge And put seasonings in your ears And tell me what superpowers you developed Not seasoning, garlic specific I'm not saying this about cayenne or anything Wait Have you tried cayenne?

You might be able to smell again or something I don't know And they say white people don't know how to use seasoning. Yeah. We're just going to pour everything in the spice rack in Tom's skull. It's a shit ton of Lowry's. Yeah. There you go.

Yeah. We do have Lowry's. That's the poor man's go-to. Hell yeah. I've never put on something that it made worse. I'll say that. Well, it just makes every meal taste like you're on food stamps. Yeah, it's made to go on government cheese.

A hundred percent. Yeah, I don't know what a Lowry is. Is a Lowry the same thing as like adobo? That kind of a thing? Like just a seasoning salt situation? Yeah, seasoning salt. You don't know adobo? It's the red stuff.

The red powder. Oh, like paprika. Oh, that's, yeah. I just eat shit plain. Well, yeah, you don't have any garlic. Yeah, there's, yeah. I just eat you plain. Well, yeah, you don't have any garlic. Yeah, there's nothing left. You've got all your seasonings tied up in experimental medical research. I'm just saying, I have both ears.

And it's just a clove of garlic and a small hammer. Yeah. Nice. Well, guys, we're having a mediocre time. What do you think of the Mexican joke-off? Ay, so topical. Let's do it all right guys uh nah fuck i gotta pull these up i'll take us away all right this will be fun all right a full smoking ban will take effect at disney parks worldwide this wednesday this news comes with a slew of keith carey specific bands including saying groovy at a diner wearing polo shirts in fresno and beating breathing too loud in record stores every once in a while i read a news story very specifically targeted to

you having a bad time i don't here's the thing i am really embarrassed at how upset i got about hearing that you can't smoke at disneyland because i gotta figure just knowing you that is one of your favorite things to do i loved it i worked there for like four years and i still go like a few times a year i'm like weirdly obsessed obsessed with Disneyland. Let me ask you this. Are you a Harry Potter fan? Because every adult that I know that likes Disneyland, Disney World, is a Harry Potter fan. I like Harry Potter enough. The books were better.

What's up? The books were better. Oh, you're that guy, huh? Here he is, the most interesting man I've ever met. Oh, my God, you're so wise. The garlic is working. You guys don't want to get down on the garlic. You sure you put garlic in there and not sage with all that wisdom?

You don't want to get down on the garlic? Is that what you say when you're trying to break up an Italian street? Let's not get down on the garlic. Guys, you all right? Ooh, ah! All right, you're up, Doug. We're all going in a circle. Okay.

I don't think these are great, but you'll let me know, right? Okay, yeah. Kim Kardashian had a CBD baby shower. I can't think of a better match. Two things that are overrated and don't actually work. Oh. Wait, are you saying CBD doesn't work? Cranking black dudes.

The worst part about Tom losing weight is he's gone from just being a weird fat guy to a guy who has, like, medical opinions. You have lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you. Yeah. Like, a sizable amount of weight. Every morning I wake up to a TED Talk about how good oatmeal is for you. Like, 55 pounds. Yeah, dude.

I didn't want to compliment you on the podcast, but, you know, here we are. So, congrats. Oh, I appreciate it. I didn't want to show weakness in the podcast, but here we are. So congrats. I didn't want to show weakness in this poor man's bedroom. And a better haircut since the last time I saw you. You really had a glow up. I don't even think you had hair last time I saw you. I probably didn't. You had the Travis Bickle last time I saw you.

Oh, yeah. Off-center mohawk. I look different every two weeks. I was bald two months ago. Yeah, I know. I gave him a mohawk, and it was literally just like a step too far to the left. Yes. Your hair looks exactly like it did last time, I think.

Oh, thanks, man. It hasn't moved. Yeah. I'm quite sure. It's actually just an action hero's hair. I can't do the maintenance. I don't understand how you do that. It's a Lego piece.

Yeah, it's like a Halloween costume. It clicks on. It's impressive. A Chinese man was arrested in San Francisco on child porn charges, although some say there's nothing wrong with wanting to jerk off to someone with a comparable penis. It's an Asian dick joke. We're canceled. We're all canceled.

Oh, guys. I take back my compliment. The thing about Tom's, just whatever his accent is, is he can't say any ethnicity without you going, oh, no. Here we go. A company is charging $5,000 to launch people's cremated pets into orbit. Sorry, what I meant to say is a company is cashing checks for five grand and then chucking bags of cat dust in a dumpster. Like, just lie about it. Real talk.

Yeah. Real talk. No, for real, for real. I feel it. Real talk. Yeah. Real talk. For real, for real, sound like that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I did see a news story that said that a cat named Pikachu had been launched into space. That's the one, yeah.

And I was like, how many fucking people are hungry? Like, what are we doing with our, you know? McDonald's sent a Whopper to space. Why would McDonald's do that to us? Or was it Burger King? Yeah, like, get this trash out of the fucking... I don't even want it within the atmosphere anymore. One of the fast food areas sent a burger into space.

Get your shitty McDonald's and a Whopper into space. Whatever it was. Yeah, it's probably SpaceX or NASA, not McDonald's. It's rotating right around the Arby's taco.

Yes. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi appeared in a propaganda film for the first time in five years. Sorry for the endgame spoiler. Oh, yeah, I got it. On a related note, ISIS released a video of their elusive leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,

the first in several years. In the 18-minute recording, he said to his followers, I feel like I want to punch the whole world in the fucking face and venom! Venom, venom! and i hate my mom it's funny he's like it looks like he's at like a like like one of those tents in coachella where you get some shade and have a bottled water you know he's like sitting on pillows he's changing the chill zone he's changing the name of Isis to I am whatever you think I am. He's got the little... If you just changed the Kalashnikov to an acoustic guitar, it would be done.

Just a weird luxurious desert thirst track. He's also got a weirdly tritone beard where it's gray, black, red. A little bit of red in it. It's working for him. Albeck's adding his facial hair. I like that. A pizza restaurant closed after employees put laxatives on the pies. Not going to mention which chain it was, but let's just say they pizza-pizzed water out of their ass.

Was that really Little Caesars? I saw that story. I don't know. I was just trying to do a joke. We like to have a little something called integrity in the program, Mr. Feeney. If you could please fact check. I didn't say which name it was. You assumed CC's.

Fact check your diuretic slander, sir. A giant Idaho potato prop is being turned into an Airbnb. First man to hit his wife there gets a free airfare and citizenship to Ireland. I've slurred a lot of words. I think the top strategy this week was just blowing the dust off a book called Racial Stereotypes of the 1830s.

You're going to love this Polack one coming up on the next run. Oh, God. Fuck, dude. Were you going through Bobby Slayton's dumpster? I just got a lot of racial news stories this week. What did you Google? Fox. A college in Berlin opened a vegan cafeteria.

The restaurant brags that their food is organic and very German, meaning it's farm to table to some guy's chest. Good old shit jokes. That's how you do it kid more than 270 election staffers in indonesia have died from fatigue related illness after counting votes nerds i saw that and i was like why are we don't cares what happens in india why are you just make it up it's gonna be rigged somehow anyway indones, You care so little you didn't remember the country for eight seconds. They are the same, guys.

Indonesia is just fancy India. We've been over this. You add a few letters, it's the same shit. It's like broccolini. Yeah, exactly. It's like when you see a shitty restaurant that spells it Ristorante. It's like, you're still a restaurant. Shop, S-H-O-P-P-E. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, it's like when you add Edison

bulbs in a bar and the cocktails cost two more dollars. Yeah. You didn't do anything. Indonesia is just India. You bought it at Target. Yeah. All right, guys. Sorry, Indonesia.

Yeah, sorry. I'm sure they're going to be broken out of listeners. I really apologize to our robust Indonesian fan base. I like Indonesia. Say three things about it. Okay, it's Vietnam's friend. It's an island. And it's north of Australia.

Wow. Three technicalities. I love it. Egg on my face. Someone's got a globe. They practice pincocks a lot. What? What iPhone game is that? It's the way you stab people. Is that the one where you're a cup and you have to jump over things?

Pincock? You know what? Or maybe it's pen something. Salat is correct. It's all Indonesian in the first word. See, that's what happens. You get him to keep talking, he buries himself. See, you had those first three things. I was like, this is impressive.

Keep the wheels running, this fucking bus will go off the side of the freeway. Yeah, Tom can impersonate a guy for 45 seconds or so, and then it gets off the rails. And then he gets real conehead. Look, people are going to tweet you about how you're wrong about the garlic. I'm sure they will. For some reason, you have an army of dumber sycophants that like to find ways for you to be correct to bother me, and I don't read any of it. So it's ultimately a big waste of human energy. Okay, guys, two burglars butt-dialed 911 while trying to rob a Best Buy.

The would-be thieves told authorities, yeah, we were trying to call 911 to blow up the building and create a diversion. You know, like if you could just call 911. I thought I was trying to be accommodating to our guests. Yeah, it works. Yeah, I was in 911. Because we it works. Yeah, I was in 9-11 New York. Because we never forgot. Yeah.

How could we? Well, I couldn't think of one about the lady that glued her tits to the ground outside Goldman Sachs before I had to go buy the microphone. So that's what happened. Wait, someone glued their tits to Goldman Sachs? You say, when you read your jokes, you get faster as each word goes on in the sentence. And you pick up so much steam that I didn't. Auctioneer style. Yeah, it really is. Well, guys, it's because I no longer enjoy doing stand-up comedy

you've made a commitment really just trying to get through it likes like it like a some sort of Buffalo Wild Wings champ why did the lady we were fucking tits to the ground because she's mad at the banks for doing something I didn't read it okay yeah there was your nipple they? They did put up little screens around her. Like, there's a bunch of cops that were just like, oh, back off. Tits over here.

Nobody look. That would get the attention of the Goldman Sachs guys, though. They'd be like, whoa, dude, tits are in danger right now. We gotta go. Here's the caveat to that.

It was an eco-protester, so I can't... There's probably hair on her. She might have been standing. Yep. Yeah. Did she glue them to, like, the wall or the window?

I don't know. To the sweatshop down there. Damn it. Did all y'all bitches call the EMTs? Yeah. Man, I love the idea of them pulling tits up the sidewalk. It's the same as, like, the Christmas story scene where they pull the kid's tongue off the pole. At first, people thought...

Why is she making that noise? At first, there was a crowd of onlookers thinking that they were doing some viral marketing for a Joe Dirt reboot, but... Why is that the movie? I've seen it. I don't know. It came on every time I was sick. It was on like every day.

It was. It's a fucking fun movie. It's not bad. We got a surprising acting performance by Kid Rock. I was about to say the exact same thing. He's weirdly good in it. Yeah. He was casted very well.

Yeah, I've never seen that movie. I thought that movie was the same as Ernest as a kid. I've seen the Ernest movies. I think they came out, I'm going to guess they came out 20 years apart. Did you put garlic in your VCR? Yeah. You put garlic in your VCR, it just starts playing The Godfather 3. Well, I think there's an Ernest where playing The Godfather 3. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think there's an Ernest where he digs a bunch. Oh, hence Joe Dirt. Yeah. You dig dirt. I don't know. I was a kid. Ernest digs Joe Dirt. That's Ernest List.

He's at Auschwitz. He has to dig his own grave. Yeah, like every kid on my cul-de-sac had like a real like the movie kids childhood. And my one neighbor,

his like mom died when they were really young and they're just raised by like this like dad that just didn't really like know he's like oh fuck kids what do i do so like there's one time where he beat the shit out of his little sister because she was trying to play donkey kong by putting a banana in the super nintendo oh my god it was conky kong and then he's like you bitch and i just like why don't we all just kill ourselves guys life is not going to be good for us. Yeah, that's the Joe Dirk reboot.

Okay. The Giants had a terrible NFL draft. Someone showed that their draft pick, Corey Ballantyne, was shot, and that's not even the lead. The Giants drafted a quarterback from Duke, and now Giants fans are claiming they've been raped. How did he get shot? He just had a gun. A bullet hit him. How did he get shot? He just had a knife. A bullet hit him.

He actually got shot or he was in the shooting? No, he got shot. He actually got shot. He didn't get shot. He's still better than Daniel Jones. His classmate is dead. There was two guys on the football team. They both got drafted.

I think, well, he definitely got drafted by the Giants. And then that night they went out and partied. And then they both got shot. One died in the street. And then he just is supposed to be okay. But again, they're not even – they're like, oh, by the way, a Giants guy got shot. But the Duke quarterback that they picked – That was the real disaster.

Yeah, it was a real nightmare. Wait, who was – the guy who died got drafted too? No. I don't know. Actually, I don't know if that guy – but he was on his team in college, and they were both on the same college football team. You've got to wonder if you're the Giants, like you see your guy, you just paid a bunch of money, got shot. How long do you wait before you're like, can we get a mulligan on this?

Yeah. I think his arm's going to be a little off for the season. Yeah, what's the rule here? Because, I mean. I don't know. Look, if you buy a dented can of SpaghettiOs, you get like 10% off. If there's one thing I know about the NFL, they're big fans of empathy and fairness.

So I imagine this is going to come to a speedy resolution. You guys ready for a fire joke? Give me a hot Serbian joke. A man threw his cell phone at Donald Trump in his defense. Trump had not picked up his phone from before this. New Yorker, baby. Okay, so we got a man throwing a phone at Donald Trump. Bring it down.

But Donald Trump, he doesn't pick up his phone. No, not for this man. You can't even reach that guy. But he had to when the phone was thrown. What the Christ-killing fuck are you talking about? Hold on a second. And then you did like a Trump-Austin Powers. I got Bill Maher on the phone here.

He doesn't pick up his phone, except to tweet. The Republicans. Jesus Christ. A bald eagle. New rule. No throwing your phone. New rule. Quit putting garlic in your ears, people.

I'm actually now quitting the podcast. New Dueling Mars with JP full time. Okay. Garlic's not for you. Dueling Mars. It's for killing Ann Coulter. Yeah. Okay.

I like that it just turned into Mr. Mackie. Oh, because she's a vampire. Yeah, that was the... If you're a Republican, you're bad. I'm kidding. A bald eagle dropped a package full of human medical waste into a house's front yard. Man, flying over civilians and making it rain blood, bald eagles really are America's bird. Republicans?

Republicans are American. Okay. Really? Are American bird? Okay. All right, sorry, let me try this again. A shit farted all over a puke. Is that better? Well, just find that story that I read that I honestly nobly ignored. About 30,000 pounds of garbage on Mount Everest

and then I didn't know Keith went to wherever that is. Do that. That's the thing you do. You know, I'm trying to grow. But you also did it. I like to have my cake and eat it too. That's the thing you do. You know, I'm trying to grow. But you also did it. I like to have my cake and eat it, too. I'm a very creative guy. All right, JP.

I only wrote like one and a half monologue jokes, but I'll just read a tweet to fill it in. Can I start doing that? Hey, I got to be honest. I've had a pretty good week on Twitter. I should have done that. I wrote that Giants one as it was going around the circle. I was parked on the street. You might have saw me. I was trying to that. I wrote that Giants one as it was going around the circle. I was parked on the street. You might have saw me.

I was trying to write. My genius. My beautiful tweet is, at my Cat Williams themed restaurant, your server will respond to your meal order with a specially tailored, passionate seven minute rant. They will ask, can I start you motherfuckers off with something to goddamn drink in this raggedy bitch this evening? Dress code is shiny. I read that.

That was a good one. I love Catwoman. It counts as a joke. No meat lasagna, but it was it was up there. My magnum opus. Don't you hate

when you have the one that fucking goes ape shit and you're like, that one, really? The dumbest shit I ever thought of. What was your meat lasagna? That's objectively good. I wrote the lyrics to Meat Virginia. It're like, that one, really? The dumbest shit I ever thought of. What was your meat lasagna one? I mean, that's objectively good.

I wrote the lyrics to Meat Virginia. It's like, she never compromises, loves babies and surprises, da-da-da-da. The whole verse and then the part where it says, it's supposed to say Meat Virginia.

It's a picture that I saw. In real life, I saw at a buffet in New York. It said Meat Lasagna, but it was spelled M-E-E-T. It's the picture of that. The internet's cool, guys. Let's just do a podcast where we describe

our best tweets. It's two pictures of Barack Obama looking back to Twitter for the blind. It says, waiting for the bartender to notice me like. George Takei was a big fan of this one. A little guy you may have heard of. Currently ruining politics with all of his old opinions. Anyway.

Well, guys, we've come to a screeching halt. Spider-Man has stopped the conversation. I'm just distracted by all this, like, unlicensed construction you've had done on the side of the house. I'm trying to figure out... Yeah, there's that 2x4, that green 2x4. It looks like it is instrumental to the foundation.

None of this house is licensed. It's all falling apart. They're always just like, Connor, you need curtains because I know I'm not going to be raped, but it's just hard to not feel that way when you have to look at that. You ever see the outside of a town in Fallout? That's pretty much it. It really does highlight how little of an escape plan there is from this life. You can escape, but you're going to get tetanus.

That's what it says to you. Walking through this house felt like that scene in Taken where he goes and tries to find the drug-draped women. There's just mattresses on the ground. It's like darker than it needs to be. You know who said the same exact thing was my friend who works with escape process. Really? Are you serious? Or actually, I don't know. No, she does.

She's met someone. No, she actually works at a Burger King. I don't know why I thought that. The Burger King that sent a whopper into space. She's seen one of those houses. Like, yeah, it reminds me of that place. Where did they escape from? Our Cum Asylum, guys?

Actually, a lot of people don't know that we've got that. Put some garlic on that joke. We got that fence from, it actually used to be the set of Ninja Warrior Honduras. It's a pretty good deal. Okay, Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. 11 years, 22 movies, one Marvel Universe. This week, it all culminates with the newest addition to the MCU. Well, it's Seinfeld, Infinity War.

You know, he says his name is Loki, but you look at him, he's got that helmet, it looks like a golden mammoth, pretty noticeable look. There's nothing Loki about Loki at all. This week, George finds the silver lining in the decimation of half of all life in the universe. You moved into your neighbor's apartment? He's not using it, Jerry. Because he disappeared. And that's truly terrible.

But you know who didn't disappear? Me. He's lucky. He's lucky. He's dust. Ash. Blown in the wind, Jerry. But old Georgie, he's still here. Still got work on Monday. My condolences to you.

So, how's his place? Unbelievable. He's got a breakfast nook. A whole nook for one meal. The height of luxury, Jerry. I cooked myself a frittata. Like a boardroom service at the Rich Carlton. Well, at least he didn't die in vain.

The gang tries to assemble the details in Elaine's new bow. You're dating an Avenger. I'm dating an Avenger. Which one? I can't say. Is it Hulk? It's not Hulk. Black Widow?

You wish. It is not Black Widow. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Is it that purple robot fellow with the rock in his head? I'm not going to tell you who it is. Well, give us a clue at least. Does he fly? Of course he flies.

Jetpack? Wings? Delta. First class. And Kramer tries to build his own Infinity Gauntlet. Kramer! Those aren't the real Infinity Stones! Not real, Jerry.

I got them from my friend Bob Sacathanos. Look at them. They're glowing. Uh-oh, Jerry. I don't feel so good. Jerry, you were right. Curse you, Bob! You're a ni- Well, that'll happen. Hello, Jerry. Goodbye, Newman.

Seinfeld, Infinity War. Thursday at 8 on NBC. Followed by Will and Groot. Hey, welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. We got a game from the mailbag here from our buddy, The Big Mother Trucker. Oh, wow, guys. Yeah. Really, the fans make it all worth it.

Our fans, and they all have the most retarded nicknames, so it's, you know, every two weeks, it's like, what up, this is the buffoon, thanks for getting me out of my suicide. I love it. I love the names. Hey, guys, Gravy Pants again. So my brother is still dead from a suicide.

Yeah, but he made us a game of Witcher the following, and this is about weird subreddits that actually exist. There are some weird communities. I mean, I guess I didn't really realize how deep it went until I heard about creep shots getting banned. You guys hear about that? That was just pictures that guys would take of hot women in public and

post on Reddit, and they'd be like, oh man, I wish I was at that fucking newsstand right now. Oh, so like crimes? Yeah, yeah. And that one got banned, and everyone was like, whoa, that lady's butt is freedom of speech somehow. Wasn't this guy in Reno? I am a sovereign citizen. Ma'am! Am I being detained? Ma'am, please look pretty for me.

No, then look at these calves. Trying to take a picture of his nipples. There's like pussy shots in the subway where a guy's pretending to watch a YouTube video between his legs really unergonomically for no reason, like that kind of thing. Between his feet on the ground. He's just holding. You know that's what's happening. If you're the lady, you know that's what's happening.

But you're just like, then I got to be the lady on the subway yelling, please don't take pictures of my pussy. Very interesting. That subreddit was actually banned the day Chuck Berry died. Coincidence? Chuck Berry?

Tarnishing his legacy. Actually, I just made that up. But anyway, continue. Anyway, so he's put together rounds. Three of these are real in each one. One of them is fake. We got to figure out which one is the fake one. Nice, nice. Round number one. together rounds. Three of these are real in each one. One of them is fake. We got to figure out which one is the fake one. Nice, nice.

Round number one. Which of the following is not a real subreddit? A, r slash Lucy Wilde is retarded, which are all porn posts about Lucy Wilde, who apparently may indeed be retarded. Are you familiar with this one? Who is Lucy Wilde? Apparently she- She was in I Love Lucy.

Ah. Solid. Great stuff. Apparently she's a porn star Who people think Maybe mentally Not all day Lucy

You've got some drooling to do Isn't that a lot of porn stars? Well it's like You put one dick at her And it's fine But then they keep coming faster On the conveyor belt And she doesn't know

What to do Nine inches 24 chromosomes You get two of them And see if she can look At the pee holes Without shivering, you know? Eye contact.

What's her name? Lucy Wilde? I'm looking her up. We're going to get to the bottom of this. I know I'm sidetracking the game here, but I got to know. I'm shocked that Mean Boy's foremost porn historian has not heard of this. That's the thing. I thought of all people you were going to know this.

I've actually had four days. No pornography, guys. I'm a changed man. Wow. Definitely. That's actually a big deal for you. Yeah, I went 10 days when we were on the road because I got i i got like i i come i'm like my dick fell off when i started taking zoloft again right and then as soon as i got back off it it's like when i did it fairly

quickly as a poor as gradual but i just became flash like horny right you know which it was like i got like you ever get like like oh fuck i woke up and i am sick it was just i woke up and i was like i have to come a lot i've got fucking boner poisoning i know this just tells you how i jack off way too much we're one we're one question deep in one option only one option the first thing is i still want to note on the main feed that i did i did 10 days without jacking off and then some of my cum came out brown so i don't brown it was like what is the name of the i love lucy girl not like resolute desk brown there we go which would be a better porn name than lucy wilde Brown? It was like, what is the name of the I Love Lucy girl? Not like Resolute Desk Brown, but like Light Brown. Okay, there we go.

Which would be a better porn name than Lucy Wilde. Yeah. There's no less than four conversations happening. Lucy Wilde comes from? What's that?

Oscar Wilde? I did a Google image search and it's mostly a character from Despicable Me named Lucy Wilde. Oh, no. So that's where she got it from. So the plot thickens.

Or you just ruin this game. You know what I mean? Or that's the fake one. I think they did an episode of Nutbusters. Nutbusting. Nut plausible. Did you see a photo of her? Yeah.

What do her eyes look like? I'd say normal. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. All right. So that's A. That's A.

B, r slash SoCalTitJobs, which is gifs and vids of tan women rubbing cocks with their big fake tits. Where does SoCal come into this? They're all outside of PacSun. That's an Idaho tit job if I ever saw one. They have to be specifically like SoCalBadTan. Oh, gosh. Is that the tan lines? Yeah, there you go.

Exactly. Taking place inside of Carl's Jr. None of this Hardy shit. Well, hey, there's a? Yeah, there you go. Exactly. Taking place inside of Carl's Jr. Yep. None of this Hardy shit. Well, hey, there's a couple Hardys in those. I love watching you hate yourself halfway through a sentence. C, R slash. You love watching me all the time? C, R slash.

OMG, Becky, look at this cock. Only has image slash video links of women reacting to, and this is his phrasing, lordly hogs. Okay. I like that Keith says r slash every time like an old person saying www.google.com. Back, forward or back? Which one's forward slash, Ken? Dearie, call up the internet for me. I'm trying to do an AOL.

And D, r slash old ladies baking pies. All NSFW pictures of old women baking pies. Ooh. How could it be not safe for work, though? I mean, maybe they're naked? I'm going to say that one's fake. One thing that still, I mean, I don't know. I guess there's an exchange of money,

but I do still feel bad about it. There's one time when me and my buddies were like 17 and one of us got our first debit card. We made a webcam models account and we asked this really old lady if she would just bake cookies for us. I was like, that wasn't nice, what we did. What's wrong with that?

I don't know. I mean, we were kind of like making a joke. But she was like, in her profile, she was like, if you're like an old bitch, I'm the oldest bitch there is. Can't see this old ass bitch. I'm sure she's like, I wish they would have treated me with respect and dignity and asked me to fist my own butt. Yeah, that's a good point. How many roses did it cost? Somebody has considered a

craigslist prospect before i like i like to think that after we logged out she just went oh boys one time i called a craigslist hooker when i was 18 and i was like how many uh roses would i have to give you to do what do this and she goes like 300 i'm like okay goodbye and i hang up 30 seconds later she calls me back and she's like how many you got and i'm like 80 and she goes like 300. I'm like, okay, goodbye. And I hang up. 30 seconds later, she calls me back and she's like, how many you got? And I'm like, 80. And she goes, yeah, no. Oh, wow. This is a video of an old lady baking cookies.

She takes them out and it's like, oh, thank you, big mother trucker. All right, so which one of those do we think is fake? I'm going to say old lady's baking pies. Okay. I'm going to say SoCal Titty Cock Rub. I just feel like that's... It's not special.

Okay. It seems wildly specific and special. Yeah. Tom, believe it or not, a very high threshold for specialness. A special activity with a special size of tit from a certain region in the country. Right. The way champagne is only technically champagne if it's from a certain part of France. That's how these tit jobs are.

I mean, it also was like women with facial birthmarks in France. That makes sense. They only call it champagne if it's from some place in France. I don't know. Okay. I love that you're trying to be like, you don't know where champagne France is, you dumb fag. I'm just saying, you got so close to...

I think it comes from Grape Juice City. Is that from some of your secret tapes of Louis J. Gomez saying his real opinion? Yeah. Yeah, like a spritzer, doggy. Yeah, yeah. Opera, huh? I love Nanette. I guess the other three just...

They seem... I hope the other three exist. Well, I hope two of the three exist. Okay. You guys decide which one. Here's why I feel like the old lady's making one. It's because it's not deviant enough for Reddit. Interesting.

Oh, okay. Reddit's like the, you know. I feel like you're getting a real dark side, though. Yeah, Reddit, that thing full of cute dogs being called loaves. Yeah, it's a real high-risk common villainy. It's like an innocent subreddit. I feel like that somehow seems more evil to me. Right. I'm like, whoever's looking at this is jerking off and then, like an innocent subreddit. I feel like that somehow seems more evil to me. Right.

I'm like, whoever's looking at this is jerking off and then like shooting up a building. Sure. That's sort of the energy. I mean, like the main page of Reddit

is disgusting. It's like, after six months of saving up, I bought this Funko Pop that my dead dad knew nothing about and just give me a lot of upvotes.

You know, it's just, here's what it is. Everything else is like, there's an old person niche. There's a, oh, it's a cock niche. There's, there's, what's what it is. Everything else is like there's an old person niche. There's a, oh, it's a cock niche. There's what's your IQ kind of debate. Sociologist Tom Goss here, expert on groups and society.

The listeners, you can't see this. There's a big chalkboard behind Tom. I've never met anyone who was like, okay, but are those tits from Southern California or they just pose? Like, I don't understand. Again, we explained that this was just a way of a quippy way of suggesting that they have a bad spray tan well I think it's a bad quip

nailed it alright the correct answer the fake one is SoCal Tits oh my god that's the worst part is knowing this all time as Tom is just fucking grinding his just driving on no tires just just rims. Spark shooting across the sidewalk in the middle.

He then fucking still got it right. Number, or this one. Okay, specific body part fetish edition. Okay. A, r slash thick licks for pictures of women giving blowjobs with too much tongue. B, r slash banana tits featuring tits that are big enough to hang down but still perk up at the end. C. What?

Like a banana tit. That's got to be real. 100%. Well, yeah. Like a check mark? Like a banana. Like a banana. You have a perfect reference point.

Or like a Nike swoosh. There you go. That's a check mark. It's more of a swoosh. They don't really want to identify as a check mark. Never say swoosh with that haircut again. My hair of a swoosh. They don't really want to identify as a checkmark. Never say swoosh with that haircut again. My hair is a swoosh. You really look like all my little brother's high school bullies right now.

I look like a bully? I feel like I'm more of a mean girl, I feel like, on the mean boys. Bullies look much gayer here. I forgot. It's California. In New York, it's just somebody beating you to death. It's just guys that look like you, but you can't come to the party. Right.

You look like you've given the woman a copy of 12 Rules for Life. Let's just... See, r slash frog butt for images of nice asses crouching. See, that to me is the worst position for an ass, because I'm just like, I want to see the bones underneath it. You know what I mean? I want to see the ass itself. It gets rid of the natural curvature.

Yeah, the whole point is that it's supposed to be like, look at it. It goes up and then down. How does it pop? Weird. My favorite shot of a butt is just standing up perfectly straight, Vitruvian man style. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, like the bent over.

I'm just like, let me see it at its resting state. Yeah, don't put any stank on it. Let me see what's really going on. Oh, yeah, like the picture my grandfather drew, which is he was into the devil and butts, as you can see. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, it runs in the family. And DR slash hip cleavage for thick girls who have a nice cleavage line

between their upper thigh and hip when they're on their knees. All right, see this? This I'm a little bit more interested in. Wait, say that last one? For thick girls who have a nice cleavage line between their upper thigh and hip when they're on their knees. I think it's like that sort of like the fat crevasse. That to me is.

I don't not have one of those. I'm going to say that's too specific to be one. The rest seem more plausible. I'm going to go with that one. I could jack off to that, so I'm going to guess that exists. Yeah, what is A and B again? Banana tits is definitely a thing. B was thick licks.

B was banana tits. I'm going thick licks. Because I don't... Because how can you even see the tongue? When you say too much tongue, I'm like... Man, you've never gotten blown good. The tongue out of the mouth? Yeah. In, man, you've never gotten blown good. The tongue out of the mouth? In a photo, you can

see that? Yeah, you lick the top of it, and then you go back to sucking. Oh, like a lick. Okay, I thought it was like a sucking. Maybe that one might be the fake one, too. Wait, what was Thick Licks? It was pictures of women giving blowjobs with too much tongue.

It was Mick Jagger, but they just make him look like he's got a Mrs. Incredible body. He's super thick. Yeah. With too much tongue. There's no too much. We just ponder silently on the podcast. Yes. We'll wait.

I'm going to say A. There's no too much. All right. So we got thick licks, thick licks. Thick licks. Everybody's going thick licks? Yeah. I'm going to, just to be different, I'm going to go with that fucking fold fucking thing that you talked about.

The hip cleavage one you called. Mike's wrong. It was thick licks. Fuck. Nice. All right, round number three, all real or all fake. This is the last one. Okay.

A, r slash public health awareness. A fun place to gather and laugh at the morbidly obese. Ooh. B. This is, well, I don't know. I do see a lot of dragging happening when someone posts a picture of a fat lady in the morbidly obese. Ooh. B. This is, well, I don't know. I do see a lot of dragging happening when someone posts a picture of a fat lady in the shower at their gym,

so I feel like this may have been bullied off of the platform by now. B. R slash white rights, as bad as it sounds. Okay. C. R slash space dicks, weird 4chan leftover congregation.

Or D. R slash protein models, also as bad as it sounds. Oh, so that's... All real, because space dicks is space sticks is real i've seen it man you do that real fast it's the worst thing what is space sticks the worst thing on the internet but what is it it's like the images of things that are just horrible like rotten.com used to be remember that shit to the highest degree whoa like extremely fucked up stuff i remember rotten.com when i was like 12 and then seeing just like a shotgun victim and then like people got run over by trains.

I was like, I haven't even seen tits yet. This is horrifying to see this before tits. I had a worse one. I was like sleeping with a girl and I look at her photo. She's just looking at like some gore subreddit. And I'm like, what? I'm right over here. The first day of my first like AOL account, like my mom gave me the little like startup disc from the grocery store oh yeah fucking i log in within 20 minutes one of my buddies had emailed me something

from rotten.com of just like a dude in a bathtub which is like yeah fucking it's like heart ripped out my mom's just like well i guess that's the internet yeah yeah i remember i remember getting sent tub girl on beyond yeah yeah i got i was still shook dude i forget if i mentioned this on the podcast but uh somebody sent me like tub, Tub Girl recently, like a friend of mine. And it was, like, something where, like, you opened it and it opened up a million pictures of Tub Girl on your phone. The next time he texted me was after one of our friends died. So it was just like, oh, my God, dude, I'm so sorry to hear about Brandon. But the post right before it was Tub Girl.

I saw that and then just saw an asshole exploding. The duality of man, sir. I'm going to say all fake. All right. I mean, I guess I have to go all real because he literally has. I've seen it. Yeah. It's so bold of you to go all fake.

Definitively, in no uncertain terms, being told you are incorrect. He's bluffing. Actually, I spelled D-I-X, so it's actually fake. You're out on a technicality. Damn. And here's what's great. They're all fake. No, I'm kidding, Tommy.

You're a dumb shit. Yeah, they're all real. All right, guys. Well, that was Witch of the Fallen. We'll be right back with the mailbag right after this. Is your hate group lacking in new members? Do you think that you aren't reaching your target demographic with your current marketing techniques? Have you thought of bringing in a translator?

Hi, I'm Money McChowders, the number one guy to go to when your business is down because I will turn it around. And I am here to tell you about my new friend, Meth Mark. Fucking all the whites are aliens! Whoa, what a go-getter! Meth Mark has been trying to get his white power gang to spread for over 15 years and has had no success. That's why I got on board to help him get new clientele with my new helpful business, Hatespeed Translator.

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We got this. We can get through this. Himalaya! Mr. E loves Himalaya. Himalaya is a podcasting app. You can download it right now. It's free. It is a podcasting app. You can download it right now. It's free. It's a podcasting app that you can download right now for free. That's what we just said in a way less awful way, you dumb piece of shit. It's about hearing. It's got a light, easy-to-use interface.

All your favorite shows are already on it. It sure does. You're losing steam in doing Mr. Ear, but you're trapped in this because people enjoy it. Mr. Ear is free out of ear, not steam. You silly goof. It's got a lot of ear, not steam. Uh-huh. You silly goof. It's got a lot of fun features that other apps don't have. You know, you can't leave a comment or like things on iTunes. And it's been proven by science that liking things releases endorphins in your brain.

So, you know, go get high with Himalaya. I love Endor. Himalaya, the acid of the podcast. I have not even really embarked onto the comment section of this show because I can only imagine how racist it is. But if you are made of tough enough stuff, perhaps you would like to converse with some of your peers about the program on the Himalaya interface. Now you're just doing old Bane. No, I'm not. There's a tip jar function where you can tip your favorite podcast creators.

I have no idea if or how any of that money actually makes it to these people, but it certainly is available to you. I'm going to go ahead and say it definitely gets to those people. Oh, it does? Yeah, because I don't want to imply that our one sponsor is embezzling from artists. I know. It's called satire. I know. And Himalaya understands that because it's got a really smart team.

Himalaya school. Himalaya fucks. They have 24-hour customer support that I just made up. Wow. Made up. Himalaya will fix your car morning, day, night on the freeway. Yes. Anywhere in America.

They provide the best razors directly to your door for the lowest price on the market. Himalaya sends you a mattress in a box. There's a playlist function. If you ever wanted to make a girl a mixtape that was easier to ignore, you can do that. Yeah. It's longer and more upsetting. Yeah. You know, harder to steal from somebody. 400% more Joe Rogan involved.

Yeah. So make some playlists, you know. Try to get your mom into, you know, Greg Fitzsimmons or something like that. Yeah, that's the mom cast. Something you could do. And on a serious note, I love Himalaya right now because my new podcast is on there. Mr. Eer, you have a podcast? Yeah, what? What happened to your voice? new podcast is on there. Mr. Ear, you have a podcast? Yeah, what?

What happened to your voice? Oh, no, no. Mr. Ear's taking a nap. Oh, that doesn't seem like something he'd do. Oh, great. Let's hold a pillow over his head. Yeah, cool. Let's fucking murder him forever again.

I'll wake him up. Mr. Ear, back from his map. Back from his map. Goodbye, everybody. You're out of verse. Download Himalaya. And shut up. Well, I don't even like anal, you know, like in porn.

I love that you're equating anal to gore porn. I find it pretty similar. Dude, I will say, like, my thing with, like, anal porn is, like, if you're going to do, like, the weird prolapse butthole shit, you got to have, like, a warning on that. Oh, God, yeah. I was watching just a regular, like, butt-fucking porn recently, and I was like, good for her. And then out of nowhere, like, the dude pulls out, and she just, like, farts out her whole butt. And I was like, good for her. And then out of nowhere, the dude pulls out, and she just farts out her whole butt. And I was like, god damn it. Well, the Mean Boys podcast is back.

And yeah, it is upsetting. There was an actress I saw that I thought was hot, and I was like, oh, I'll jack off to her. So I Googled her, and I started watching something. And I got the sound off. I'm looking at other clips, and I'm like, ah, that's a pretty good one. And then I turn on the sound, and it's fuck me, big brother. And I was like, okay. She's actually pretty good one. And then I turn on the sound and it's, fuck me, big brother. And I was like, okay. She's actually being fucked by the

police state. It's fine. I know. There was a pretty disturbing one where I found there's a porn model named Connor Cox who doesn't not look like me. Oh, yeah. He's kind of like Long Beach me. He's got like long hair and a shitty goatee. And he mostly just does independent incest porn. So I'm just like...

He just fucks himself and that's technically incest? Yeah, he's jerking off like, I wish my dad was here. Yeah, it's just like, Mommy, I'm sorry I didn't help you bring the groceries in. I'm like, okay, fuck, this has got to not be on my computer anymore. Anyway, let's see. Let me just come, and then I'll turn this off. Yeah, I'm going to blow two more loads, and then I'm deleting this filth. Yeah.

The Stanley Cup has all winning players' names engraved on it from all of history, plus each player gets a day alone with the cup watched by the trophy's handler. What would you do with the Stanley Cup for one day, knowing that a fancy Canadian man was watching? Tom, I feel like this is directed at you. You're the hockey guy. What have you always wanted to do with the Stanley Cup? I mean, I was very aware.

Finally have a solution to your lower back problems Yeah I've always been very aware I'm not going to win the cup I don't know I'd probably eat cereal out of it or something That's the most boring answer I don't know What do I teabag it

Is the implication that a guy from the Stanley Cup Just has to follow you around Then I'm going to fuck my wife near the Stanley Cup. I am going to fucking cuck this weird hockey dad. Yeah, the Cup does have a chaperone, like a Christian dance. The Stanley Cuck. Yeah, it's like his full-time job. He's, uh, yeah.

How is that a full-time job? Because every player gets it for one day. They do the whole year. Yeah. It lasts, like, all year. So he gets to just travel with this giant suitcase filled with the trophy. You know who I think made up those rules for the Stanley Cup? It's some guy who wanted that job.

Like, this is some weird George Costanza fucking hustle. It's the oldest trophy in sports. He drags it behind his car. I'll just be the guy, and you guys just write me a check for whatever you think is cool. Yeah, and we should probably have somebody look after it. I mean, I guess I could do it, but... I think he's just going like, hey, if you guys wanted to take the Stanley Cup to

Disney World or something, that'd be pretty cool. And I think the keeper of the cup should get a gun. Maybe like a cool costume. I mean, uniform. I'm not ruling out a sash. Let's look up what the Stanley Cup chaperone looks like. He has like a varsity jacket or something.

Like a Stanley Cup. He comes in the cup every night. Where it's like, this guy put Doritos in there. What a character Cup. You ever once in a while He comes in the cup every night. a local news story where it's like, this guy put Doritos in there. What a character he is. A wild man. Yeah, Stanley Cup. Hockey players are insane, though.

Yeah, they are. Yeah, what are you, like, Guardian? The Herald of the Cup? Oh, it's a guy named Phil Pritchard. Right there. Fuck you.

Yeah, it's one guy. Yeah, well, it's not for 30 years? Okay. Oh, get fucked, Phil Pritchard. Answered by its keeper. Oh, and it's fuck you with your little gloves, dude. He's had to kill 60 people.

He's not supposed to touch it. He's supposed to, yeah. You're not supposed to touch it unless you want it. It's not the Ark of the Covenant, Tom. Yes, it is. Oh, you're not supposed to touch it unless you want it? If you're a hockey player. Yeah, if you want it, yeah.

What about his buddies, though? They don't get to fucking touch it? I think it's more of a silver thing why he wears the gloves. Do you know how many people who didn't win the Stanley Cup have put their dicks on that Stanley Cup? Yeah, I don't get a fucking touch it i think it's more of a silver thing why he wears the gloves do you know how many people who didn't probably put their dicks on that stanley cup yeah i don't i don't know it's it's it's uh it's like it's like an american flag for canada i love the idea that every time somebody in the canadian flag all right every time somebody in the nhl office is like can we just put a gps on that phil has to be like ah look over here yeah kind of GPS on that? Phil has to be like, ah, look over here.

We kind of just distract them. Are you guys ready to be real convinced that Phil Pritchard is into some fucked up stuff sexually? Oh, boy. How many pairs of white gloves do you have? I've kept every pair of gloves I've ever worn for some reason. Jesus Christ. Because most of them are evidence. There's one reason.

I guess that's the curatorial collector in me. You misspelled pedophile, Phil. Well, I keep coming in the gloves. Every picture of him touching that cup looks very sexual. What's the weirdest thing someone's ever done with a club? When you go out to Eastern Canada with fishing and seafood, someone always wants to put a lobster in it. Okay, fuck you.

That's boring. That's the most fucked up thing. Like a seafood tower? He's lying. To start the day, I would fucking fill that up with vodka and get shit-faced out of it. That'd be like the beginning of the day. People would drink. Well, it's also like five feet tall.

It's huge. Oh, I know. I would take the cup out to dinner. Mike drinks by the foot. It's going to be a party, for sure. I mean, I just like, hey, Phil, you like your job. You like your life. I'm going to drink the blood of children out of this cup, and you're going to stand there in your white gloves and watch. There's some weird eyes wide shut

like fucking ceremony where everyone just agrees we never speak of what we've done with the cup. You know what happens when someone drinks the blood of the young out of the Stanley Cup? It's a lot of paperwork, Phil. It's the most important cup in history. It's a big deal. No, the

most important living cup in history. It's fucking... Living cup, yes. As opposed to the dead cups. Yeah. Are we coming through an amp right now? Yeah, we are. All of a sudden?

We're going to play some... We like to crank it up and jam. Because at the end of the show, I really rock out. We got some voicemails, guys. This one looks pretty promising. I'm not going to lie to you. I played a little bit of it earlier. Let's see what this guy has to say.

This is a call from San Quentin. So, I do American Ninja Warrior, and during one competition, it was being held in the back parking lot of a repurposed used car dealership. And, yeah, it's as sketchy as it sounds like it would be. But during the competition, I ended up falling, slicing my hand open pretty bad, and I got to get rushed to the hospital by one of my EMT friends. But since we got out of there so quickly, not a whole lot of people really saw what happened. So rumors started going around about, oh, I was bleeding all over the place, I might lose my hand, I might be in the hospital for a couple days, I might die, et cetera, et cetera. So my question is, has there been any stories or rumors about you guys

that have gone around that have been either taken out of context or have been inflated into in weird ways. Thanks, guys. Love the podcast. Have you guys ever heard the one about Keith Carey and the dog? Well, there's a fucking layup. Have you? Have you guys? No.

While we're talking, it might be... I've literally had to tell this story. I feel like this isn't a story about you saving a dog. Quite the opposite. I've told this story easily 40 times like this isn't a story about you saving a dog. Quite the opposite. I've told this story easily 40 times on this fucking podcast. Well, the guests haven't heard. I've already brought it up. I'm sorry, but it would be rude if you didn't tell them the

story. Skip ahead three minutes if you've heard it. I was dating a lady and like a year into our relationship, she's like, hey, can we try something new sexually? And I'm like, yeah, sure, whatever. And she's like, it's the kind of porn I like. And she puts on a video, and I get behind her, and I start fucking her. And the video we're watching, it's just a lady bent over in a sad, empty, concrete room somewhere

with track pants hiked down to her ankles. Yeah, some real Silk Road shit. Yeah. The track pants is another upsetting detail I do forget about. It's the official uniform of Eastern European sadness. It's just like half a track suit and just like dead eyes looking off into a future that doesn't exist. Did she have a shirt on? What's up?

She had like a spaghetti strap, like Gwen Stefani, 90s era tank top kind of situation. Again, the modesty of the outfit is going to be extra confounding when the twist comes in. Well, yeah, because the twist is in the title. The German shepherd walks in and just starts plowing this lady relentlessly. And now the girl that you're having sex with, is she like pretending, she's envisioning you're the dog? She tells me to try and fuck. Not hard to do, actually. I'm panting more.

But no, she tells me to try and fuck her at the same. I do want to fuck JP and get the full Michael Winslow effect now. You've done all these impressions. I'm like, now do cat while you're beating my pussy. Alright baby, I'm gonna fuck you like you can't. We want. All right, baby, I'm gonna fuck you

like you were a stool. No, but yeah, but then she tells me to fuck her. Your pussy been sunny, mild, rainy,

sleety. This pussy called Cryptoconocronalite. I done fucked around and got my wet dick wet. Do you have any idea how difficult that is to do? Do you have any idea

what Conor McSpaddy's pussy look like? She tells me to fuck her at the same speed as the dog, and I couldn't do it because I was too fat. Yeah. Wow. And that dog was going for it. Four stars. The whole time was looking at Keith while that riff was happening.

He was very concerned. Yeah, because that was the part where she was like, this is just not going to work. You know what I mean? With your kind of innocent expression and youthful face, it was like, well, I was glad to find someone within the Big Brother program. But I do question the squeamish person. I truly thought that the story was going to be a dog in corporate, like a live dog in the room with you two. No, no, no. Where you, like, fucking Eiffel Towered a woman with you in a German shower.

I'm a level with you. It got discussed at one point, and that was where I was like, hey, I'm drawing a line in the same. Yeah. Yeah. But we will put a link to the video in the description of this podcast. See, that's why I would like to find that video and have a special Mean Boys Patreon. I honestly, I don't know how legal it is for me to go look for that video. Very illegal.

Bestiality is pretty illegal. But is it illegal to watch bestiality? It's everything. Yeah. I think it it illegal to watch bestiality it's everything yeah i think it's illegal you can't have it on your because i didn't like i didn't i can't stop me from thinking about it though i mean i mean here's the thing we didn't go to like some secret crime dude we didn't go we didn't go to the fucking store from gremlins and buy like a secret dvd or something we just found it online, I mean, you can find child porn online too. Right, but then no one arrests.

And how do you know this, Mike? But then nothing happened. Because of Jared Fogle. I'm just saying we didn't encrypt it or anything. It was just like, I googled that and I found it. Oh, I know,

but I'm saying you could do that with any porn. Right, but I'm saying it's illegal for you to have. Right. You probably got, oh, she probably got flagged. Oh, I was paying the internet.

It's definitely a me problem. Maybe it's a stream, but you can't download. I've honestly gotten our internet shutdown more times trying to torrent jackass movies than you have for watching crimes. Which I'm realizing now is a little bit unfair. You were torrenting jackass movies on MTV every day. Not even torrenting jackass. This house suggests we have cable, Mike. He was torrenting jackass 3.5.

Not even the good one. It was just Ryan Dunn's crash. Yeah. It's just them crying for an hour, and you're like, oh, I don't want to see this. Yeah, well, the other one was I torrented a movie I had to watch for work that I later paid to go see, and then after that got a screener for free, which was one of the most counterproductive evenings of my life. I do like that this guy's whole story was like, yeah, here's some really cool shit I

did. What about you, nerds? I fucking beefed it doing ninja stuff. Yeah, and also it's like I highly doubt that anybody in that parking lot was like, what happened to that other guy?

Oh my God. I was really interested. You ever see that really hot guy that got hurt so bad being super cool and tough? That's the thing about American Ninja Warriors. They always have to do

like an hour of a fucking backstory. Like I need to watch this guy in his backyard doing this thing and he's doing it for his kid. And then all I care about, like i forget every single thing about them and they're gone from my life the second they fall that's it i'm like you're you're deleted from my whole list only to fall yes exactly when it was like dubbed on g4 which by the way rest in peace g4 that was some good programs what was that fucking g4 used to be something else. No, but what was that Asian one? What was that Asian one that they used to do?

NFC. Yeah, that was almost like Wipeout. Yeah, yeah. I think John DiMaggio did that. I think we found that out. Yeah, we know a couple people. That shit's awesome. Yeah, I watch that shit with my family all the time.

But there was one guy on Japanese Ninja Warrior where they didn't really... I'm sure they just didn't take the time to translate. They translated like 30% of the Japanese and were like, we'll just fucking make... They just mentioned that he had 3.5% body fat every eight seconds. The entire show was like,

the lactic acid in this man's 3.5% body fat has got to be... Yeah, the lactic acid buildup in this challenge is that... You think you know lactic acid. This guy takes it to the next level. This guy is tripping balls on lactic acid right now. I guess for me the biggest rumor would probably be when Brian Moses said I was bisexual on television.

And then the DMs got rated like Lord of the Rings. At one point you had made out with more dudes than girls I fucked. That was a pretty funny period of time. Thank you for reminding me. You did so many dares that you had outpaced. I like to think I was the most fucked number. There weren't even dares. There were more like, wouldn't it be funny if I just talked to this man on television?

I like to think of that period of time as the Mean Boys podcast Camelot. When everything was the way it should have been. You only made out with one dude on TV, right? Yeah, just you. Yeah, just me. I didn't make out with you. Like how fucking jealous you got. No one else, right?

I made out with Jonathan Rau, who we're going to have on the podcast soon, who later got very flattering compliments that he jacked off to the photo later. That really made me feel nice. He also said that he was remiss that he didn't enjoy it as much because he's like, if I get into it, and then when you pull away, and I was like, uh-huh, like I would just look really gay. Longing. I'd look really gay.

The gayest man we've ever met. He used a much ruder word to explain these events to me. I know. But yeah, so I guess I kind of kissed Joe and Earl. And I think there's one other one I'm forgetting. Good Lord. Yeah, I don't know. I did a, like back when I first was starting comedy, I also did improv at the same time.

So I was like trying to see which would make me less money. And I was like, stand up. But I was doing improv at the Pit in New York City, and it was one of these things where they would do kind of like an open... Karen Feehan's pussy has improv classes. They would have like this... Unlike Karen Feehan's pussy,

this was lightly attended. It was. We need a suggestion. Valtrex. Sorry, Karen. I don't know if you ever hand rim i don't know you get it karen karen has been on this podcast twice and did not even listen to the podcast when she was on it recording yeah there's um so there was it was essentially like an open mic where they would put you with random people to try and do some fucking improv or whatever and some guy i got paired with i don't remember what the scene was, but he was like, he was

like, that's it. His first, he came out and he was like, that's it. You got to decide. It's fuck or fight time. And I just was like, fuck yeah. And he just literally pulled me in and kissed me on the mouth. The guy who I hadn't even said. Like a sexual assault.

It was a sexual assault. And it got a huge laugh. And I, and then like the scene didn't go anywhere. I think it was just that guy trying to kiss me. I think that's quite what it was. And then afterwards, he just was like, Oh, sorry, man. It's like the scene.

I thought we could build off of that. Really? Yeah. That was like a relationship. That's enough of Aaron Glazer origins. He did have a beard. That was my... It's Aaron Glazer.

It's him. When I started to work on The show It was comedy knockout It's cancelled now I was Oh fuck dude On an episode Sorry man

Sorry to let you all down Well I guess We don't have to book Mo Mandel again That works I was cooking A pretty good Mo Mandel joke But you beat me to it

But My first day I recorded an episode I was like on the episode before i became a writer and uh i was paired with this girl and they were like introducing us in the dressing room whatever and uh they were like oh do you guys know each other and we just like kind of exchanged an awkward look we were like because we had met once i think we're like oh yeah we i think we met and then everyone else in the room apparently took that to mean that we had just fucked and the rumors spread throughout the office that i was just like on the set with this

this is how hard jp's life is one time people thought i yeah yeah she was like she was the one i didn't the kicker the kicker was she was like four foot eleven this story is just like this guy's voicemail you're like so i was writing on this tv show well before i was on this TV show. Well, before I was on the TV show. And then I got hired to write because I did so well. Well, I got hired to write because they're like, well, you fucked that girl. I'm really trying to organize. We only hire people who fuck.

And she's a lesbian, too. I'm really trying to organize a Day of the Music Died plane crash with you guys and Matt Broussard. And then it is fucking go time. Matt Broussard. And then it is fucking go time for the con man. Matt Broussard is like if all of us reached our peak. Matt Broussard is white super saiyan. I watched him. Yes, yes. He is.

He's Goku. His privilege is over 9,000. Well, actually, my hair has been blonde the entire time. Yeah, I watched him running in, because he moved to Brooklyn. I saw him running in Williamsburg Brooklyn without without a shirt on and I'm like this is like stop man yeah I would like to pitch to him I would like to tour as Matt Broussard too now I think that this would be pretty lucrative I was I was in bed with a girl I was hooking up with for a while and he uh Broussard put that

video out that was like douchebags throughout the ages or whatever yeah yeah and she just goes like we watched that video and she goes, I want to get in a time machine and fuck that dude for 200 years. And I was like, bring me with you. Some people did think I was a school shooter in high school. We said rumors, Tom.

Foiled plots. Man, that one gets 900% less follow through, so I was talking to a girl. Yeah, you must have had a lot of salacious rumors. I mean, probably... That just summed it all up right there. Probably mostly just the words that we've called you your best friends on a show that everyone hears for years.

But... You know what? I'm done trying to do damage control. Whatever rumor wants to be out there, it's true. There you go. There you go, public. You're like the Led Zeppelin road crew. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The firm never improved. The Tom remains the same. Yeah. All right, let's see what this guy in Boise has to say. I bet it's going to be fascinating. I'll start. Florida, once again, thank you all so much for doing the show in Orlando. It was fucking fantastic.

You, the other comedians, and the mistress are awesome. And I hope you enjoyed the cookies, too. Oh, those are just in the foray. I want to bring up how the Tom Gospel set that you did, which you absolutely must do again, brought up some repressed memories I had about my time in the Orthodox Jewish school system. I think we already did this voice show. In which I got placed for most of the special ed program

because, you know. Okay, well, sorry, guy. I did eat those cookies. You know what? I was skeptical of Florida pot cookies, but they hit me pretty hard. Hey, mean boys, if my dog bit the head off of a

dildo and swallowed it. Do I call the vet or poison control or the police? Thanks. The police? Yeah, poison control. What kind of dildo was it? Was this a cyanide? It was like an Aztec weapon dipped in poison.

I was trying to poison my wife pussy first. I was butt-fucking the missus with a punji stick when Rover trotted in. So I'm married to the bad guy from Fern Gully. Jesus Christ. That's a fucking, that would be pretty terrifying. If your dog bites the head off of him. Imagine seeing a fucking, the tip of a dick Coming out of an asshole But from the inside That'd be a fucking weird

That's its own subreddit Right there One way Yeah Butt fuckception is coming I've got a new name For the mean boys voicemail line Ask Reddit

The leftovers Yeah Just the shit that you don't even want Tied to a username Yeah God damn it That's I guess you just wait for it

To shit it out And then send it to Keith's ex-girlfriend If I had to come up with an action plan. One of the options was the police. Yeah, like one of the cops. I mean, maybe Sting. He could teach you how to stretch right

and get it out. I mean, cops could shoot it. That's true. Just brainstorm. He didn't say the dog was black. It's not a truck with a wire. I would hope that when the dog passes it that you put a gold chain around it

You know whenever someone gets shot And they're like I got the bullet right here I do think you should put that on the dog's collar As a sign of strength I think you have to surgically remove it Because if your dog poops a wiener Technically your dog is gay now Call a priest

Get it forgiven Or it stops being gay. It depends on... It cancels out the gayness because it goes the other way. When I was a kid... Pulled by a dick by a butt, you get straight. Right. My dog bit into my stretch Armstrong, and it turned out fine.

What is a stretch Armstrong? Remember the toy? What? It was like a little action figure guy. You don't know what a stretch Armstrong is? The arm stretched out. They're full of goo. They're full of this weird clear goo.

Yeah, it's actually like super poison is what's in the middle of the thing. Really? My dog is fucking strong. Yeah. Stretch arms strong? Stretch arms. Fuck stretch arms strong. Wait, so just goo you stretch?

No. It's in a guy. It's like a doll of a strong dude, but then you pull his arm and it goes like, whoa. It goes like from here all the way over there. How many people turned 13 and were like, if I put lotion on his stomach and wrap it around my dick, does he feel like a pussy? Yeah. I tried to jerk off with a Stretch Armstrong once.

You put your Stretch Armstrong in the microwave? Yeah, it didn't really do much. I made a homemade fleshlight from 4chan infographic instructions one time. Prison style? Yes. It was like you get cornstarch and water and you put it in this mixture and you put a piece of PVC pipe in the middle that's where your dick goes

and you put it in a glass and then you freeze it and you let it warm up and I just kind of got impatient because I was like I wanted to jack off and I was like alright it's mostly done and I just like knocked it out of the glass and then it immediately fell apart so I just kind of got a bunch of cornstarch all over my pews pretty much the whole

how that good for you for following instructions though I would have had that kind of page yeah I've never fashioned a thing to fuck well I would have read corn and be like all right get some fucking in your corn I was gonna fit in my dick but we'll figure it out I was gonna try and fuck like I heard about fucking like jello or

pudding or one of those things and then I know I figure it out. I was going to try and fuck, like, I heard about fucking, like, Jell-O or pudding or one of those things. And then, I don't know, I figured it out. I like how you're laying on the bed, Jamie. I'm leaning back. You know what, you did that, you sounded like if Cosby was the shark from Jaws. It was just like this slow approaching. Zoolop. Zoolop.

Zoolop. Zoolop. Zoolop. Zoolop. Rape. You guys know Dave Cyrus? Yeah, yeah. Dave Cyrus was so excited to say this sentence when the Cosby verdict came in. He goes, he walks in the living room.

We're staying with him. And he goes, turn on the TV. Keith goes, what channel? He goes, every channel. It was like they caught the Joker. Yeah, and we did. It was fucking great. No, but I was going to try and fuck this either Jell-O or Pudding. and we did it was fucking great he uh no but i was i was gonna try and fuck

this either jello or pudding i forgot what it was and but i remember being like but it's cold that's not gonna be ideal i gotta like warm it up it was jello because then i put it in the microwave and jello just turns to water it was just it was just red water in the thing and i was like well that fucking you still try like now my dick yeah of course i still tried yeah like, well, now I'm fucking just a bowl of what looks like blood. And I don't know. Is this how George Bush got into that secret society? Who are these necrophiliacs who recommended fucking Jell-O? It's like a food fucking.

You know what I mean? People like American Pie was popular at the time. A pie makes sense to me, kind of. Don't pass this off in a cultural moment. It was the late 90s. We were all doing shit. We were all listening to swing music.

Brian Stetzer was on the team. And Ron. Here's the one that actually kind of made some sense to me. It's you stuff a Pringle can with socks, all right? Okay.

I'm on board so far. You wrap a condom around the opening and you kind of finger poke the dick part of the condom down in it so that you've got the friction from the socks that are in your Pringle can, and then you just squirt a bunch of hand lotion in there. That's apparently a big thing in prison. That sounds phenomenal.

Yeah, that sounds like it would work. It really combines everything I love about sex. A nice wide opening. A condom. Pringles, which is actually accurate for you. Fair enough. I'd have to see this in practice because the way you're describing it, it sounds terrible. All right, well, let's—

He reaches into a drawer. Jamie, could you pull that up, Jamie? Actually, I did what I was really—I tried to put my dick in a Gatorade bottle, but it didn't fit. So I just— Oh, la-di-da. So I just kept squeezing the bottle so that it would blow air on my dick. I did the same thing. Are we seeing this here?

Oh, okay. Hang on. It looks like a weird coffee mug. Yeah, we're going to go ahead and pull up a YouTube instruction with a guy named Stewie Weeby. This is called the gay bongo. That's not going to feel good. I cannot believe this person put his face in this video. I thought this was going to be some hard ex-con.

This looks like a Korean hype beast. What I do is, this is how you start. So step one. Okay. You don't need this, right? Just get rid of that. The question is, the flavor of Pringles and Fords. And then you just take these and crumble them up into little balls,

and you just stuff them in there. What if you do like soft vinegar? Listen to this music. This is not going to be fun. It's like inspirational. But what does salt and vinegar to your kids? Listen to this music. This is not going to be... It's like inspirational. But what does that look like to you already? That's all I'm saying. What does that look like to you already?

Wait till you see what happens when I put... It's one of those gloves from the Stanley Cup guy. So what you do is, see that? Mean, that's it, dude. That's like, fly back home. And then let's get some of these rubber bands. Okay. Fly back home.

Is this suggesting you do this on a plane? I do have a new idea for the next big chop now. Technically, you could bring every component of this on a plane. And then you look up and your mom's right there. You're like, oh. Oh, you've got jokes, too. All right, now that you've brought comedy into it, I'm offended. Yeah.

Where's the weirdest place you guys have ever jerked off? Oh, Lord. Forest? Forest. Oh, no, definitely. Well, my go-to is... Hockey coach's attic. Yeah, hockey coach's attic.

Hockey coach's attic. Outside an abandoned fire station in Northern California. Haunted ship. Haunted ship? I was a tour guide on a haunted boat for a couple years. And you went back when there weren't people there? No, I jerked off in the haunted boiler room. And JP went around here through the walls while he was doing that?

Yeah. No, that was during a six-month run where I jerked off on an airplane on ground level and in the boiler room, which is technically below sea level. You got to go to the Mariana Trench. He was really trying to get that Xbox achievement. Yeah, yeah. I jerked off in a lake. Mine is. Oh, you were in a lake too? No, no, not lake. Lake's fucking weird. In the ocean.

Because the ocean's got current and it's warm. Right, so it's gonna come back and it's just weakling. Yeah, well it also just pushes all of it away from you, you know? What do you think you're covering that you need a whole fucking ocean? I need current, okay? Because if you come in a lake, you've got to swim away from it. You know what I mean?

No, you're not in a spaceship. Your dick has velocity. You shoot it out, and then you just kind of fly it away. Not in water, man. Do you ever try and throw a punch underwater? It's like if you come underwater, it's not going to fucking go too far. There's just a bunch of fighting and coming underwater. Coming is water dynamic. That's how it's not going to fucking go too far. There's a lot of fighting and coming underwater. Coming is water dynamic.

I also love your swimming motion. You have to jump into Hudson and just fight a guy. Mike's impression of powerful swimming looks like a dandelion getting robbed at gunpoint. If you jerk off the ocean, the waves are just going to just whop it back at you. Not if you jerk off facing the beach.

They're going to Italian attack at you. You have to find a woman on the beach who you fall in love with and then you just jerk off in her direction. How did they not... You jerk off in a bottle

and you hope it gets to her. Did you sneak onto a private beach or something? Yeah, it was like an empty beach. I don't even know. It was just one of those things. Then it was a private's beach. We'll be right back.

God damn it. I'm out. Okay, so you got underwater with JP. I think in a car while driving. I don't know if I finished. Oh, yeah, I've done that. Oh, you've got to come. Yeah, without coming.

I went through a security checkpoint, but they didn't stop me, so I just kept jerking off. Wait, what? It was San Diego. Do you have any fruits in the car? No, but they were stopping people. Then they stopped, so I just kept going. Yeah. I mean, I got a magnetic mount in my windshield, so one time I did put up some porn and get

it going through the Bluetooth and really just rocked out. Coming back from Phoenix one time. Oh, in front of my blind aunt by accident. What? That's for sure the one. I mean, you being like a jerk off in a tiny little... I didn't come in front of her. It was like...

I was staying with my blind aunt. But her hearing's even better, so she heard the... Well, here's what happened. JP? If you could do these subtle sounds of my batwing masturbation. Oh, Keith. I'm blind, not retarded. Don't worry, be happy This is fun

Did you look at a human soundboard? I was jerking off because she had Cinemax and I was like standing in her room Oh, nice Well, she had garlic in her ears so it got to him And she walked in out of nowhere

and I had the volume on mute or whatever and she just walks in i go like i just freeze with my dick in my hand i'm like well she can't see me but i can't move like i was like if i move it'll be obvious she's not the predator yeah well yeah she's just t-rex yeah i was heading for my end with jurassic park rules she's like oh you know we're going to the fucking store whatever whatever she's telling me i was like okay okay have fun can you get me these 12 things? Take your time. Get it.

Yeah, I was like, good night, Aunt Linda. And she walks away and she goes, and quit jerking off. I was like, damn. I got fucking daredevil'd. I forgot. I did an Airbnb one time in Phoenix. And I think it might be the same time I jacked off in the car. This guy kept interrupting.

Like, my room was like a curtained off living room. Oh, you told me about that. And this guy found out I was a stand-up comedian. And I'm jacking off, right out I was a stand-up comedian. And I'm jacking off, right? I got a laptop on my knees in front of me. And it's one of those ones that's no joy, just maintenance. I'm just trying to get some poison out before I got to go do these shows.

And this guy bursts through the curtain and says, you're a comedian? Do you know Bert Kreischer? And you're like, yes! I'm the machine! I have to shift my laptop up over my dick. and I go, yep, he's really funny. I'll see you later. And he's like, man, my favorite Bert. And then tells me Bert Kreischer jokes.

He just does the 16-minute story. Have you ever heard the machine? There are no punchy jokes there. Yeah. I've heard the machine many times. He's like, let me tell it. Let me hear you. Let me give you my version. Yeah.

And then he leaves, all right? And I And at this point, I can't even. I'm blue-balled. I go outside. I just sit in the sunshine for a while. I send some texts. I'm like, all right, I'm going to go finish this. I walk back in. I start jacking off.

He does it again. Did he pick a different comedian? No. He just remembered more things about Bert Kreischer he needed me to know. Jesus. Well, I don't know. I think that's probably the show Kreischer he needed me to know. Jesus. Fuck. Well, I don't know. I think that's probably the show, guys.

Thanks for coming on. Yeah, you guys are great. Thank you for having me, guys. Fucking great. Tell the people where to find you online. What do you want them to check out? MikeFiniComedy.com. Also on YouTube, social media at I Am Mike Fini.

And check out my podcast, God damn it, Irish Goodbye Podcast. It's on Gas Digital, but it's available anywhere where you can get it. Is he still making that fat slave to be belittled every week? Brandon or something? Brendan Sagalow. Oh, yeah. He's got a podcast, too. We have a new rule.

If we shit on him, we have to promote his podcast because people get very mean online. So he's got a podcast called The Stupid Little Podcast. We'll cut that out. Yeah, please do. As long as I can say I said it

My conscience is clear That guy was delightful We'll replace that With 30 more seconds Of Cosby noises It's a funny show People should check it out Thank you very much

Whenever I meet another guy Whose job it is To have people be mean To him on the podcast I just get real morally upset About what we've done To Tom over the years It was so weird

When me, Mike, and Brendan Did it because It was this fucking weird Like Bizarro World version It was the episode of Seinfeld where they meet the other version of him. I don't know which one of us is the evil one. Yeah, I mean, I think we know.

Yeah. All right, JP? At JP underscore McDade on Twitter. McDadebaby on Instagram. You can find everything there. Thank you for having me, boys. Yeah. Yeah.

No, you guys are fun on the podcast. Thanks for telling it. Love to pod. Yeah. See you next time. You guys are fun on the podcast. Thanks for telling it. Love to pod. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

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