Mean Boys - EP 193 - A Terrible Thickness (Live in Orlando)

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Listen to Tom's new podcast Leaving The Tribe: http://soundcloud.com/user-754160303 Get a Mean Boys Ramones shirt: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at NoFrills.ca. What up up everybody? Mean Boys podcast with a live episode from the Geek Easy in Orlando, Florida.

Yeah, this is a fun one for me. Yeah, this is a fun one for everyone that wasn't Connor dying. I definitely can't listen to this because it's just me trying to rely on animalistic muscle memory, fat joke instincts the entire time.

Just like that's what she said about the personal pain. I need some help. But thanks to everybody that was so fucking nice to me and help me out because I was real fucked up and sick. And especially this guy named Isaac, who gave me some a bunch of weird potassium packets. He just happened to have in the car he lived in. Oh, yeah. And this wasn't like a sad lived in his car. He was was like i sold my house and turned my car into a house and now i live there and i juggle for burning man stuff yeah that dude is super cool he messaged me to make sure you were

okay and i think i forgot to respond so if you're listening connor's all right he did he messaged me too but it seemed like it was long and i i'm waiting till i had the energy to write something nice back yeah but uh but no this was a fun show though transparency shout out to uh the local comics who jumped on this show ariel shaw and uh big tim miller big tim one of the raddest dudes i forget if i told this story on the podcast or not but i need to tell it just in case i didn't okay uh we so we got to the venue and there was a mix-up with the uh the management of the geek easy where they kind of forgotten we booked the show and things got a little wacky so we were late starting. And he goes, well, there's a D&D store next door. We'll go see if

we can use their back room. And I'm like, okay, cool. And he's like, yeah. And we go, and he's like, I'll handle this. And he goes, hey, how you doing? I'm Big Tim Miller from K96 The Chode or whatever fucking radio station he's on. And he's like, can we use that back room? And the guy's like, nah, they're doing some card game tournament. And he just goes, shit, I thought that'd work.

One time that got me a tooth pulled for free. Big Tim, one of the raddest fucking dudes I've ever met. Oh, yeah. I forgot to say. We forgot. We're not supposed to mention that the Geekies, you forgot that they booked us. But joke's on you. We already did the show.

You forgot you booked us. Suck our dicks. You trick pigeons. Yeah, truly. Thank you for having us. And we're tremendous cocksuckers about it, too. What's up? And we're tremendous cocksuckers about it, too. What's up? And we're tremendous cocksuckers about it, too.

Yeah, shout out to the bartender who yelled at Connor and Tom. Yeah, everybody gargle 3,000% of my nuts. Fuck you. There would have been nobody there. Yeah, I'm not PayPal-ing you any of the money, you know? Fuck off. Yeah. So anyway, thanks to the Geek Easy.

Really great venue If you guys are in the area Go to some sort of Fucking dumb shit Harry Potter trivia bowl Or whatever they do I bet it's great You know what I loved about

Exactly the kind of place That I adore by the way You know what I loved about it Was the Chinese restaurant Across the street Oh that place Shout out to the China Garden Yeah

Yeah Big ups A real geek Who had one of the Maybe the best joke I heard in Florida. Their billboard said, one billion Chinese can be Wong. Oh.

They can't be wrong. I think that joke sucks, and I think you're bad for liking it. All right, well, fuck that Chinese restaurant, too. You guys' T-shirts are on sale. The surplus supplies. Supplies? Is that how you say it? Yeah, supplies.

Yeah. From the road or up on the website? I think you said that wrong. Small, medium, and large. $20 plus some small amount for shipping. Grab one of those. We'll be shipping them all out soon, along with the Patreon goodies. Koozie just came in today.

It's Tuesday. We're going to pack them up, get those out to you as we will. The stickers, which are en route for the month of April. Kevin Spacey didn't do it. Foundation for the Learning Arts, of course. Big Chopped. Mystery Ear has a Posse. Mystery Ear Has a Posse. Mystery Ear Has a Posse.

So those are all coming through. And then, you know, that leaves me about 24 hours to think of something else I can make on DiscountMugs.com. So look forward to that. Probably sometime around May 28th, 29th. You can hang out with your fellow Mean Boys fans in the Reddit and the Discord. That's all linked in the show notes. And Tom's got a brand new podcast. Yeah, Leaving the Tribe.

Hopefully it's on iTunes by the time this is out because this is in the past. It will not be on iTunes. Or it will be. Himalaya. It will be. It is currently on Himalaya. It is currently on SoundCloud. It is currently on Spotify.

And I'm trying to get on some other platforms, too. But you can listen to it at those three spots. And, yeah, it's been really good. People have told me they really enjoy it, and the guests have been phenomenal. One of them has been Keith Carey over here. Yeah, I did. It was a good deep hang.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Deep, heavy hang, interesting talk, and serious business with a guy I've been beating up on a podcast for three years. Yeah, so that's linked to the show notes if you want to check that out. As for me, I'm going to be in Northern California headlining the Punchline in Sacramento May 8th. I'm doing something on the 9th. The Blacktop Comedy Theater in Rockland on the 10th. That's near Sacramento if you can't come to the other thing in Sacramento.

And then headlining Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco May 12th. So if you guys would like to come to see some gigs come see some gigs guys. May 10th and 11th I'll be at the Chico's in Fresno, California. May 24th and 25th I'll be headlining at Club Comedy in Seattle, Washington.

And then June 21st to the 23rd we're going to be out at Skank Fest in New York. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have my phone on me right now, but every third... Fuck.

I think it's Saturday. Or is it Friday? Tom, I don't know. I don't produce your show. Wait. I can't remember if it's Friday or Saturday. I'm pretty sure it's Saturday. You should come out at 7 p.m. to Wino Vino for the unrepresentable show that I produce with a friend of the show, Nat Bymel, and Anna Valenzuela.

It's a fun show. We've had some good turnouts. Cool. I wish I remembered if it was Friday or Saturday. Just trying to give you enough rope here, Tom. I'm pretty sure it's Saturday. You were talking about the show like you're pitching a Ponzi scheme you're here, Tom. I'm pretty sure it's Saturday. You were talking about the show like you're pitching a Ponzi scheme

you're making up on. I just can't remember the day. It's called Vita Knives and if you cook with them they'll make you smart, I guess. Have you ever wished makeup could be a blender? Do you have two friends?

I need some friends. Enjoy this week's episode live from the Geeky Easy in Orlando, everybody. Thing is a meme. Thing is a meme. Thing is a meme. Thing is a meme.

Thing is a meme. Thing is a meme. Yeah! Welcome to Meme Boys Live, everybody, and it went Florida shit immediately. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry that every... I'm dying, by the way. I don't know if you can tell by the weird herpes on my face. Yeah, here's what happened.

Basically, we got to the first person saying y'all in the south, and thennor got some weird mystery fungus that has been slowly killing him for the past five days yeah i uh i i spent a three or four you know 10 days in a van and now i have the zika virus and uh yeah we're making the best of it tom it should be pointed out is thriving and i love it here this place i feel so normal like i am I'm as casual as Like I don't own a gator I haven't shot anybody Like I It rules

I did cocaine Like it's I'm glad you brought that up Last night we stayed in Jacksonville And Tom I swear to God For the first time I've ever seen Walked in a door smiling Cause normally Tom walks in doors

And just looks befuddled by the technology. I'm always just looking for a way out in case something goes wrong. But he walks in two in the morning, looks amazed, and I'm like, man, you must have had a great night. And he just goes, I'm on cocaine. And then I was like, I guess I'm staying up and watching Rick and Morty for a few hours. Yeah, so I just feel bad for whoever

had to hear a three-hour Cone Zone pitch because I know cocaine and bad small business ideas. Yeah, I need to buy a bunch of keys or something. That shit was awesome. That's what it is, keys. But thank you guys so much for coming out to Orlando, to the Geek Easy. Give it up for the Geek Easy for opening up for us.

Thank you very much, guys. Believe it or not, this is not the latest we've been to a show on tour. Last night we got to our show, what, two hours late? Two hours late. Because here's the thing. We drove into Florida, and I genuinely approached the state with, like, you know what? People give Florida a hard time. We give Florida a hard time.

So I'm going to come in with, like, an open heart and an open mind. And then we got stuck on the freeway for an hour and a half because a truck full of hay caught on fire. Yeah. And the truck was, like, as big as that table, and it was like, is this a freeway closing amount of fire? But the best part was we all had to piss. God damn it. All we had was one 7-Eleven coffee cup.

So Keith filled it up three times, and we had to throw it out the window like we were bailing water out of a sinking rowboat. At one point, I don't know who said it, but someone said, my pee sounds like diarrhea. Oh, that was me. Yeah. I have an upsettingly powerful stream.

You might have like a quarter or half dollar size urethra because it just plops out of your dick into the cup. It doesn't pour. It sounds like a gargoyle vomiting. It just fucking goes for it. The inside of my dick looks like the machine at the batting cages that shoots out the softballs.

I mean, it seems like your pee hole has just lost all its elasticity like the sleeve on a really old hoodie. It's a boyfriend cut pee hole. It makes you comfortable when you're sleeping alone. And it's just leaking and fuck. But it's been a wacky trip.

We have a real fun show planned for you guys today, though. We see him fired up. Connor, he is vaping, sitting, and praying for death. On a stack of bricks. I'm quite honestly trying not to throw up and pass out. So I'm really trying to do the show. So guess what? More me.

Tom's driving. Kyle, let's all. Welcome to the end. The room has clearly exhibited a pro Tom bias. Florida, I get it. I'm fucking normal here. Your face is on the most of the shit we sell. That's fine.

I'm like basic in this state. This is fucking. You only got seven swords? What the fuck? Yeah. By the way, I don't know if anybody brought Tom a weapon, but we have gotten arsenaled up on this trip. Oh, yeah. Tom has been given a slingshot, multiple swords, a blowgun.

I got a World War II helmet. What? That's a very important question. The right one. Now, you do what you want with that information. It was actually an Air National Guard helmet. So we have reason to believe it's a Bush family heirloom. So it's very exciting stuff.

I feel like we all feel like we fit in a little bit too much here. Because I walked into the gas station covered in open stores. And they're just like, yeah, you're late for your shift. The gas station we stopped at on the way to Jacksonville. It was like a methadone clinic with cliff bars. It was like one of the most upsetting displays of humanity. There's just grown up garbage, pale kids walking around. There was a woman that was like four foot tall, but did not have little person proportions.

She was a regular shaped four foot tall woman who was like 20 20 but looked 40 and had a bunch of prison tats. And I was just like, how did this happen? Well, the best part, too, is like so Connor walks out and then I walk out. I'm like, you see that scary ass lady? He's like, yeah. And then Tom walks out and goes, there's a real cute lady. Yeah. I don't know what they're bitching about.

Yeah. It's been it's been I felt like I fit in until I realized how much I'm sweating right now. But you sweat everywhere. Why is that special? This is like a terrible thickness. Like, it's all corn syrup. Terrible thickness is your stripper name. Speaking of which, right before the show,

I went to get batteries at the bikini car wash next door. Absolutely heard one of the bikini ladies taking a dump. And it was amazing. Really? Yeah, well, I heard a not-quiet dump happening. An echoey dump. And then she walked out in Crocs, socks, and a bikini. So what I'm saying is I'm ready to do a fucking podcast.

Yeah, wow. We really did book a really... This is like dilapidated strip mall, bikini car wash, hour late. If anyone has a bingo card with them, I think we all just won. This is like dilapidated strip mall, bikini car wash, hour late. If anyone has a bingo card with them, I think we all just won. I haven't seen this many angry people in front of a comic book shop that weren't just going, girls can't be Thor. I think we're ready to get the Mexican joke off started.

What do you guys think? Yeah, let's do it, everybody. Let's do it. So basically, we do topical jokes from the news. If they're good, great. If they're bad, we get the shit beat out of us by a dominatrix, either professional or aspiring. A lot of the states we went to, it was really hard to find a lady to beat us up for

free on an hour's notice. Not here. So, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mistress Peggy. Mistress Peggy Mistress Peggy everybody I really wish I'd written some better jokes I tell you what Can you start bringing up the dominatrix I don't know if anyone saw Connor's face

But he looked like he just stared into a gaping anus He forgot Look dude These jokes suck I'm barely awake i wrote them in the van i love the bill of goods we're selling it might be late but at least it's also not gonna be great yeah i i just want you to know that i know that i'm good this is bad all right tom you want to start it off you seem to have the most goodwill so peggy how are you

feeling about this by the way we should uh we should uh we should get your feelings are you excited you don't talk into my microphone. Can we get Peggy a microphone so that she doesn't get fucking more diseased? I feel like my name now needs to be a terrible thickness. A terrible thickness? A terrible thickness. Sounds like there's an erotic young adult fantasy now. A great and terrible thickness descended over the realm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like we listen to Big Fort foot porn. Big Fort. Yeah, Big Fort. Everyone's favorite cryptid, Big Fort. That's another thing. All right.

Do I get to hit him for that? What? Give it a minute. You'll get to it. Yeah, yeah. We'll get there. I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I like the eagerness. Yeah. I don't. No, this is a riding crop. Is that for the alligator you ride to work or what? Which is what I'm calling your husband, by the way. I don't have one, so we're fine. Oh, okay.

Oh, man. I like to piss off the dominatrix. To really get some goodwill going. By the way, this is a very on-brand Florida look, which is thongs and foot tats. You know? That really should. There's a lot of Florida state flag jokes, but I can't think of anything more. What is the foot tattoo?

It's just a bunch of fucking lines. Just a bunch of lines? But what does it mean? It means she did a bunch of lines and got a foot tattoo. It means I thought it was pretty and I know the tattoo artist and he did it for free. Wow. Hell yeah. A little defensive if you ask me.

It's very Florida. It is. Speaking of Florida, I'm going to talk about something else. A porn theater in Amsterdam now has 5D screenings. Although research proves most men prefer screenings with 1D and 2Vs.

Alright, hit me. I thought that was better than they did. Yeah, take your shirt off. Just hit him in the tits. Yeah. Thanks, man. Wow. Love these Florida heckles. Thanks man Love these Florida heckles Whenever Tom takes his shirt off

And he's waiting to get hit I like to imagine we're in a really low budget production Of the Elephant Man Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck me Oh my god Holy shit I'm awake

10 minutes of riffing Tepid Titslap Audience goes wild What a good omen for the show We know what our show is Ten minutes of riffing, tepid, tit-slap, audience goes wild. What a good omen for the show. We know what our show is. Oh, and these great fever jokes.

Oh, God damn it. Thursday was opening night for the DC Comics movie Shazam, a story about a physically powerful man with the mind of a child. Tom Goss is currently suing for theft of his life story. Safe. Alright guys, a Pittsburgh man lost 30 pounds drinking only beer during Lent. He explained his radical new diet

saying, yeah, my daughter weighs 30 pounds. Alright, fucking... You know, I'm not pulling my pants down Just hit me Just fucking do it Stop with the

Great Fuck, guys Alright, now time to sit back down So I don't throw up on my freshly wounded ass What a great career I've chosen You guys seen the last samurai? Yeah You guys know that scene where Tom Cruise refuses to not stay on the ground

He just keeps getting the shit kicked out of him No Well I had a riff on it but go ahead and do a joke. Oh, no, it's my turn. Okay. Trump claimed that Democrats have let anti-Semitism take root in their party. In a similar spirit, Keith is claiming Conner eats too many gas station hot dogs. Oh, you guys just want to see me get hit.

Yeah. You could have told the greatest joke ever written, and they would have given you nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, other... Oh, shit. Wow. Fuck me. Ouch!

Yeah. Man, we should have discussed power levels before the show. Of course violence is catnip for you people. Oh my God, everybody was right. This week Israel is celebrating sending its first spacecraft to the moon. Said one Palestinian, Oh sure, but when I say send the Jews to the moon, it's a whole thing. I think you said... Hey, fuck you, Wade. They send the Jews to the moon. It's a whole thing.

I think you say... Hey, fuck you, Wade. Look, I'm going to level with everybody. These jokes are trash. What if when it's my turn, I just get hit again? Oh, I would have opted for that a while ago. At that point, we're just a traveling fucking bottom show. We have to pretend we're funny. All right, guys.

The Jewish labor movement has passed a motion of no confidence in Jeremy Corbyn. A spokesman for the group said, we believe this is necessary, and as Jews, we are experts in not having confidence. That's pretty good. I'm trying to buy my ass some time. Because it does not hurt sitting on this cinder block chair. Man, I am epically fucked. Police removed a goat from a New Jersey cemetery. Weird, I didn't know goat was a slang word for loitering Italian.

I think I'm saying. Here's the thing. They laughed, but I dare any of them to explain why. The why doesn't matter. Alec Baldwin's wife announced her miscarriage by sharing a nude of herself on Instagram. That's real.

The caption went on to read, well, it's gone, so there's room in here for one more, winky emoji. A pretty hot photo. Yeah, it's like a thirst trap picture, and then she's like, baby's dead, frowny face. Yeah, and it was pretty hot, so now I'm kind of like,

well, I hope no one fixes their old pussy, because I kind of want to see. I'm trying my best, guys. Can you just let me be already in a lot of pain? Is this not enough pain for the crowd? A Minneapolis maintenance team tried to dry off a wet baseball field by pouring 26 gallons of gasoline on it and lighting it on fire. Chief Gardner Tom Goss told the press, hey, it's not not dry. Oh, thank God.

OK. A new study claims cats can recognize their own names They just ignore you Sorry, I read that wrong A new study states Connor McSpadden can recognize his own name He just ignores you I do do that a lot Oh, I didn't hear

I just didn't want to Confirm the booking with the venue Scientists say Kazmir Pulaski, a famous Revolutionary War general, may have been trans. This explains why Pulaski pushed for America's national anthem to be the Star Spangled

Jenner. Fuck. Yeah! Alright. I need like 70% of what you did to him. 170%. Don't get it harder. Oh, I need you to fuck off. I'm so wet and it made it so much worse

Alright guys Shit I can't Dude I can't even A Florida woman asked to smoke weed Before going to jail after she was Arrested for being drunk on mouthwash. She has since skipped bail and police are saying be on the lookout for a woman with a foot tattoo, thongs, a riding crop and an old school T-shirt. I didn't actually, I just wrote down the headline and I couldn't think of a joke and I was like, come on, quick, Connor, throw someone under the bus.

Remember your training. All right. Wait, is it you? No, it's you. Oh, it's me. It's me. Joke. All right.

A Florida man, you guys know Florida, a Florida man stopped to let another man cross the street, then ran him over with his car. This kind of attack is being dubbed, red light, does he have his green card? Oh, shit. You guys are racist, right? We're all cool, right? Canadian health officials have put out a recall for a line of breast implants that cause cancer Plastic surgeons are fighting the recall saying that losing all that weight from chemo

will actually make them look bigger Shit Where are we going? Oh, tight This is the loudest the slaps have ever been You're moving so much shit like you're about to do a tap number. Oh, no! Fuck.

USA! USA! USA! Ow, my shit. Everyone's upset the show started late, but I feel like you're taking it really personally. Alright, guys. A man in New Jersey...

Oh, that's okay. A man in New Jersey has been charged after setting his sleeping friend on fire as a prank. Tom Goss said, in my defense, I thought that guy was a baseball field. That's it for the Mexican joke. Thank you so much. Mistress Peggy.

Mistress Peggy, ladies and gentlemen. We got a great show for you. Your next guest is a local comic. She's super fucking funny. Give it up right now for Heather Shaw. One more time for Heather Shaw, everybody. Where's that music? Yeah. Can we get the music everybody. Where's that music? Yeah.

Can we get the music now? Where was that music? Yeah, for the listening audience, during Heather's set in the middle of a set-up, like weird, inspirational, jingling music started playing like she was going to do a Disney musical number. Like, I was like, hang in there. Yeah.

Suicide is not the answer. Which, in my opinion, is a pretty rude thing to do to young Dave Grohl. But, I mean. Wait, what? Oh, right, I get it. It's just the hair. It's the same exact hair as 90s Nirvana Dave Grohl.

I know. I get it. I need the facial hair. I need a beard. Anyway, we got Heather Schaub. Tom's single if he need a beard. Hey! We're going to play one of our games. Need a beard. So anyway, we got Heather Sharp. Tom's single if he need a beard. Hey. And we're going to play one of our games. I don't think it's a favorite, but you like it.

Give it up. I'm staring, bitch. Give it up for Did They Die? Yay. And if you don't know the game, my phone is now not unlocking. It's very simple. What's that, iPhone 4? You break your phone?

It does this sometimes. It took a picture of my background. Okay, how this works. Jesus, fuck. I'm going to read you. Tom, we're getting you a jitterbug, okay? I'm going to read you a headline. Connor watching Tom host the show is like getting cucked by a guy who can't get hard.

I don't even get it. I can't. I'm fucking. I'm going to tell you a piece of a news story, and you guys got to guess whether or not the person or people are alive or dead. All right? You guys ready? Yeah. First one.

Four Florida men cross-dressed and broke into a jewelry store. Did they die? No. They're here tonight? I don't know. I mean, there's like a transphobia multiplier in Florida that has to be taken into account. Yeah, but, oh, fuck. I don't know.

I think two of them died and the other two are still alive. I think it's a split decision. Okay, split decision. They all made it. They're all alive. I'm here today. Come on out, guys. You've won a new car.

Correct answer. They are all alive. Yeah. Did they get caught? Yes, they did get caught. Yeah, yeah. We're warmed up. What was the thought behind the cross-dressing?

That's a very Bugs Bunny technique. That was, yeah. We're warming up. What was the thought behind the cross-dressing? That's a very Bugs Bunny technique. That was, yeah. I don't know what. You just run off, take the wig out, and he went that-a-way, officer. Yeah. Yeah, there's a pile of hair that robbed our store. Where is the rest? Yeah, unless that was in Elmer Fudd's jurisdiction, I don't think they're going to get away with it.

All right, Next one. A Los Angeles man drove his luxury car to the Church of Scientology, then entered carrying a sword. Did they die? That's Tom Cruise from The Last Samurai again. Bringing a sword to Scientology. Nobody survives Scientology. They're all fucking dead. They're all fucking dead.

Yeah, he's in Scientology. Yeah, now he's in... He's like, yeah, I came here to murder a bunch of people, but I started reading the pamphlets. That makes sense. I like it. I love aliens. Space Jesus will save me.

Here's the good news. He's in volcano heaven now. So, it's a better place. I'm going to say... You know what, though? I think Scientology probably has some secret... They have their version of ISIS, for sure. Like a paramilitary organization in the back.

CISIS. CISIS, yeah. CISIS. Wow, Tom, A plus wordplay. CISIS. How do you think of it? I'm going to say that guy's alive because you'd just probably tase him if he's got a sword. I mean, it's kind of an outdated weapon, you know?

Oh, you just insulted Florida here. I just insulted 90% of your possessions is what I did. So you're saying alive? I'm saying dead. Dead? Yeah, dead. Dead? He is dead! Yeah, they shot him. It always feels weird to cheer

for that part. Yeah. You know, when I first heard it, I was like, I thought they would keep him because of the luxury car. They like gold diggers, Scientologists. I have so many shitty actor friends in LA that are just doing extra work

for the new Scientology TV channel. Oh, no. And they're just all the same people who are like, oh my God, it's a cult, it's so evil.

And they're like, yeah, it's $200 non-union, but they feed you. And I'm like, all right, gang. All right, the next one.

A Fresno man attempted to steal a chainsaw by hiding it in his pants. Did they die? Fuck, I hope so. Why do you hope your stepdad is dead, Keith? That's not very nice. I thought Glenn was a lovely man. All of his various swings for fucking your crazy

mother were, you know, a really sweet thing of him to buy. I think this dude is dead, but his dick is like mad gone. I just, what kind of pants could you hide a chainsaw in? Hammer?

Well, I think that's why it's attempted, dude. I mean, hammer, those are for hiding hammers. That's just, it's still hardware, but I mean, I like to mount like,

I'm just throwing stuff at the wall over here. Am I speaking in any kind of direction? I like to imagine his pants are like a clown car, so they pull out one chainsaw, and they just keep pulling out chainsaws. And then, like, 40 clowns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just realized what happened.

My body has devoted me to Tom, and it's pretty embarrassing. Yeah, I'm saying he's alive. I'm going to say that guy's alive. Alive? Yeah, he's alive. He's a little bit of himself. Yeah, I'm saying he's alive. I'm going to say that guy's alive. Alive? Yeah, he's alive. He's a little

worried about himself. Yeah, not only is he alive, he got away with it. They can't find the guy. What? They caught it on

surveillance footage and they're still looking for the man. So if you just see a man in central California with a chainsaw. He's here tonight.

Come on out. I know, it's so funny. Did they find the pants? Did they find the dick? He was fine. I don't know how the fuck he did it. I want a picture of them holding up a severed dick to a police dog and like,

go get him, boy. Gross. Because a small item like a candy bar like Keith's moves, you put it in your pocket and you pull your cell phone out and act like it was an accident. But how do you subtly just lay it down, you're looking at it, and you're like... Up the leg of the JNCOs, and then you're like, adjust, and then you're like, well, I'm just going to walk out of the store now. All right.

Next one. A squad of toddlers escaped a daycare center and then ran into the freeway. Did they die? I got to wake you guys up. Come on. They're just filming Baby Geniuses 3 and they're doing a little viral marketing. Look, we have a lot of fun dead toddler riffs to get to. But before we do, I want to point out that you referred to them as a squad.

A battalion of tiny-ass babies. Yeah, what do you call a group of babies? You know? I think you call these ones a murder. A stem cell? I don't know, a bucket? Like... Oh, shit.

Well, hmm. They swerved into the free... Toddlers. They're not the most coordinated bunch. They're dead. That's what I think. I have to say I hope they're alive.

I do want to see the whole I want to see a little Great Escape montage of them tying diapers together and throwing them over the fence and climbing. This is going to be what the guys who make Grand Theft Auto make Frogger. Yeah, just Tommy Pickles with a screwdriver.

Just like, we're out, guys. We're going straight to Guatemala from here. Heather, your thoughts? Totally dead. Totally dead? They're all dead. They're all alive. What the fuck?

Hell yeah. No cheers for that. Wow. Yeah, you guys seem disappointed. Were they literally toddlers or just maybe little people? They were one-year-olds. Wait, are you implying that it was just a squad of like... Just little people. I don't know why we don't say

maybe here. Like a squad. Literally toddlers. And then they go rob a bank. So what happened, Tom? Did they just find him? I guess the daycare center lady was just like took a nap and then left the gate open and then they all followed each other into the freeway. And then someone was like, by golly, a bunch of small children,

and then got out of his truck. Anyway, yeah, that daycare center is getting shut down. Wow, did they let them keep one? All right. Limbs the rules. Finders keepers, your moms weepers. All right, M's the rules. Finders keepers, your mom's weepers. All right, next one. A cop and her supervisor had sex in a car instead of driving her kid home.

Did they die? I don't know why they would have died, but that makes me think they're dead. You know what I mean? Because, I mean, if anyone should have died while having sex in a car, it's Connor McSpadden, 6'4", former Honda Fit owner. It was like a praying mantis trying to fuck inside a light bulb

in that thing. It was horrifying. Okay, so I think that they were fucking in the car, and then they swerved off the road to avoid hitting the toddlers and died. So I'm going to say they're dead. How are they fucking while driving? No, no, they weren't driving while fucking.

They were supposed to drive their kid, the cop's kid, home instead. Oh, okay. Oh, no, it's a trick. The kid's dead. Okay. Here's a little story that tells you everything you need to know about Keith Carey and his wily charms getting him through life. Keith has never known how to drive, nor has he ever really driven the car.

Yeah, but he's talking about how he got roadhead one time. And I was like, the woman driving the car was blowing you? And he was like, yeah. She was a good driver, and I didn't want to be alive that much. Did you stand up? Was she bent over? She was pretty much, you know, and then go up here and be like, we still good?

Great. And then back. It was like three in the morning. There was no one on the road. When we first heard this story, was anyone else imagining Keith driving a tricycle? Because that is how I imagine. In a power wheel. Yeah.

Gorp, gorp. I just want to know what woman has low enough self-esteem that she's driving you around and sucking your dick. You know, like, you know which one it was. Oh, I forget. But I think I remember. Yeah. I'm not going to say it out loud. It's which one it was. Oh, I forget. I think I remember. I'm not going to say it out loud.

It's an off-air conversation. He's here tonight. Oh, God, if anyone would be in Florida. That's fair, yeah. What do you think, alive or dead? Dead, totally dead. All of it, the car too. The car is gone. The cop and supervisor are alive. The kid is dead. All of it. The car too. The car is gone.

The cop and supervisor are alive. The kid is dead. Yeah. You guys are weird. We're all good people. Yeah, they left the kid in a different car. I do love that you just referred to the child as it. It cooked.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. It cooked. Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. Man, I smell meat and gas. Is there a taco truck here? How did the fucking crime scene investigator comes over, puts a toothpick in, comes out clean. He's like, he's gone. It's people veal. All right. People veal. Goodness. Two more he's gone. It's people-veal. Alright. People-veal.

Two more. Two more. Alright. Two men try to play catch with the snake. Did they die? Like they were throwing the snake to each other or they were just throwing baseballs at a snake? No, they were, they picked up a snake and were like, howdy, or whatever

the fuck southern people are named. Y'all playing? Yeah. It was just, hey, it is taking way out of proportion. It was just a Slytherin trying to reconnect with his son. And I hate myself for that fucking dumb joke. Dumb Harry Potter joke. What the fuck have I become?

You're in a bar called The Geek Easy. If you're going to do it anywhere, this seems like the place. Yeah, probably. I'm going to say they are dead. Okay. Yeah, probably. I'm going to say they are dead. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?

Dead it up. I'm going to say dead. Oh, sorry. I forgot I had to guess. Yeah. They're dead. Yeah, yeah. That was the most anti-Coback question.

What kind of snake was it? It was a rattlesnake. Yeah, that's fair. Wait, they both died? So it bit one of them? Oh, actually, only one of them died. Oh, okay. I was about to say,

how good is that snake where as he was going, he bit the dude and then he let go, threw through the air and bit the other guy? Oh, no, here's what I pictured is the snake

hits the first guy, bites him, he's dying and with his last breath he goes, Daryl, go long! Yeah. I'm taking this one to the fucking home

for Daryl. All right, last one. That was me trying to do football talk. I'm taking this one to the fucking home For Daryl Alright last one That was me trying to do football talk I'm taking this one to the home Classic football To the hole is what you say? You're thinking of basketball Oh fuck me That's yeah

That's lesbian yeah That's basketball Last one little twist You gotta tell me who died Oh boy Alright A husband hired a hitman to kill his wife. Who died?

The hitman. Oh, you guys already know this. Anticlimactic. It's the only one that it would be funny if he died. Well, you guys are better comedy writers than I am. I don't know why you. Wow, dude. Just with the way you ask these questions, I really want to see Tom host Prices right now.

Can we get like the jingle? A washing machine. How much is it and what does it do? And they're like, yeah, this show's been running for 500 years. We understand the premise, Tom. And he's like, okay, it was a bunch. Well, guys, thank you so much. That was

Did They Die? Give it up for Heather Shaw. One more time for Heather Shaw. So funny. Thanks for joining us. Hell yeah. That usually went out there. We got one more

very funny local comic for you. He's helped us out a lot today. You guys are going to love this, too. Give it up right now for Big Tim Murphy. That's great, too. One more time for Tim Murphy, everybody. Yeah, guys. Big Tim Murphy.

Tim Murphy's a congressman from up north. I apologize. He pressured his secretary on abortion. I've never done that. I have so many thoughts about you. It's like Gallagher 8, Gallagher 2. That's one of them. Fuck.

The embroidery on the overalls is fucking incredible. These were a gift to me. These are my nice overalls, and I just moved. I didn't have anything else clean. You're formal. These are just for funerals and, I don't know, something. I wear overalls. And being the train conductor to Flavortown.

Haven't heard that one yet, but I like it. For the listening audience, Big Tim looks like in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when they announced like, oh shit, that's made of people. The one guy who kept going

to the restaurant. I was like, yeah, but I don't know, man. That's sauce. What was it like being the bad guy in Nightmare before Christmas? Was it fun?

I keep saying this. Most of you know what I'm talking about. I want to get him and Keith Ray to do a podcast together. I think it would be the most amazing. You're overestimating how famous our alcoholic friend is. Three people knew. Well, this explains all those wanted posters I've seen at the buffets. I don't know, guy.

I'm throwing stuff out there. Like if McDonaldland had a prospector. All right, that's the buffets. I don't know, guy. I'm throwing stuff out there. Like if McDonaldland had a prospector. All right, that's the last one. I have to talk for a man whose face has been eaten alive by Florida. I know. I'm too weak for your fucking... I can't hang. The air got thick and Connor just imploded.

Yeah. I love Connor back here because it feels like having a Cunty, Statler, and Waldorf situation. Yeah. I really am afraid I'm going to fall and put this dude in the fucking Motorhead shirt in the splash zone, so. I actually think that's a Mumford & Sons shirt. Oh, my God.

You are wearing a Mumford & Sons shirt. Get the fuck out. Yeah. I swear to God, the only place I've ever seen a Mumford & Sons t-shirt the fuck out. I swear to God, the only place I've ever seen a Mumford & Sons t-shirt is at the Goodwill by my house. And there are a lot of them.

Like, they just gave up on having a tour bus. All right, well, I put together a game. One of my favorite things about Florida is Disney World. I'm a huge Disney fan. I love it.

I don't know how you guys feel about it, but this game is pretty easy. Yeah! It's fine. You don't have to love it. It doesn't matter. If you don't like. But this game is pretty easy. Yeah! It's fine. You don't have to love it. It doesn't matter. If you don't like it, you might like this more. You couldn't tell by the fact that Keith is a fat man desperately trying not

to leave his childhood. He loves Disney stuff. Tight. Fuck you, dude. Anyway, this game's real easy. I'm going to read you guys a fact, and you tell me if this happened at Disney World or in Nazi Germany. What?

All right. Well, first of all, let's start here. Once claimed to the media that they owned the first real-life talking dog. Fuck. Oh, shit. Disney or Nazi Germany. All right. The crowd is divided.

Well, Eva Braun was pretty bad. I wouldn't call her a dog. I mean, that's a little harsh. Wow, the first talk. Well, I think the fifth talking dog, what do you think, Tim? Again, a lot of talk for a man that's having fever dreams while he's awake.

I think it's probably Nazi Germany. All right, we got one for Nazis. Fuck. I'm genuinely torn. I mean, Disney, they could be like, we got an animatronic dog. And Nazis could have injected it with lithium or whatever they did to animals back then. Whatever we did to turn you on. The Nazis were actually pretty good to animals. I mean, Hitler was bacteria.

That's right. Yeah, Nazis liked animals. They put very harsh animal protection laws in place, but that doesn't mean nothing. I'm going to say Disney. Yeah. You know what I'm thinking? How do we know that Eliza Thornberry wasn't a Nazi the whole time? Nazis were the original PETA, and a lot of people don't know that.

Darwin, I think, is a German name, so I mean, I remain unconvinced. I'm going to say that's Nazi Germany. That is Nazi Germany. Apparently they taught the dog to say Heil Hitler. I mean, what else would they have taught it to say? What up? I haven't unverified it. My dad's a Nazi. Hey, my dude!

Keith's mom did a very similar thing. What are you going to do? Next one. A man in uniform was crushed to death by a parade float. I'm going to go Disney. That lady's like, I was driving. I feel like Nazis weren't big on floats. Call me crazy. They seem like more of a tank group.

A float, I mean, who's like, okay, look, we got the extermination of the Jews. It's going great. We're renovating the Luftwaffe. We've got the finest aerial technology and we need 500 pounds of gardenias so we can make a big ass flower Hitler. So close. A thousand jackbooted thugs

and then the Garfield balloon from the Macy's parade. He hates Jews and Mondays. No, no. They're just a bunch of stormtroopers holding an inflatable, you know,

like circumcised penis or whatever. Wait, which kind of penises do they have? I forgot how Jews work for a second. Uncircumcised? One of those. Jew circumcised. Yeah.

That's their whole deal. Okay. I'm going to say that was Disney World. All right. Yeah. I think. Are you guys both saying Disney? I think I'm saying Disney.

Well, you know what? I think Nazis can make a cute mistake for once. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. It's a fucking joke. Yeah. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. It's a fucking joke. Yeah, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Terrific.

It was Disney World. The man in uniform was dressed as Pluto at the time. That's the talking dog. Yeah, he was saying, help me, for the love of God. That actually makes it way worse. First, they came for the goof troop. And I said nothing because I was not in the goof troop. All right.

A doctor discovered... Then they came for the ducks that have all the money. And I said nothing because I am not Jewish. A doctor discovered that a train that carried thousands of people a day was also useful for making them pass kidney stones. What? That's Disney. Wait, wait, wait.

That's Big Thunder Mountain right there. They're curing. So a doctor found a train that was carrying thousands of people a day and realized that if you had a kidney stone and you went on that train, it would help you pass the kidney stone. Well, I know Nazis aren't about the cure. Well, they are. For them. I thought you were talking about the band of the cure.

That's fun to watch. You want to think about Hamlet. Boys, don't cry. I've been looking all night at these pictures of Jews. And I almost believe that they're people. I'm going to say that's Disneyland. Or Disney World.

I'm going to go Disney World. That is Disney World and that is Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Is that your doctor? My insurance covers. I go on an old timey train until I piss out rocks. That's what Tim calls his dick. You want to ride the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad? Man, I got to explain

this segment to my friend who doesn't listen to the show who's here. You might have to explain it to the people that listen to the show that are here. We're doing mediocre at best, fellas.

All right. An elephant got blown up. Ooh. Oh, fuck. Yeah, right? No context at all. Tim, is your dad still alive? He is alive, yeah.

He is a Nazi and he both might have gone to Disney World, so we might be able to get a two-foot here. He don't like Disney. Why not? That's the only anti-Semitic theme park in business today. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You haven't been to the Holy Land experience then. That's a good point. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. He just doesn't like... Man, you haven't been to the Holy Land experience then.

Oh, that's a good point. You haven't. You haven't. Or certain parts of Dollywood. Can I answer both? You can, yes. I'm going to say both. I'm going to say

Disney's probably at least born of one elephant and Nazis at least maybe two, three. Okay. Yeah. It's either a Nazi experiment gone wrong

or they finally found a way to make that elephant fly. And I. Just shoot it out of fucking cannon. Oh, you think you need ears for this shit? Yeah, I'm going to say Disney. We got both. We got Disney. I'm going Nazi Germany.

That is Nazi Germany. That was the first casualty of the Allies bombing Berlin. Whoa. Yeah, the zoo. The first bomb hit the zoo. And the first person who died was a fucking elephant. Why wouldn't you start with where they keep the food or the weapons, but you're like, those kids aren't getting any extra credit for their fifth grade class. You're not allowed to look at any more kangaroos, Mr. Hitler.

All right, two more. A Nazi broke his own neck during a somers Mr. Hitler. All right, two more. A Nazi broke his own neck during a somersault. Ooh. During a... Fucking both? I know your Nazi stepfathers have taken you to Disneyland, so

I'm wondering if one of these is a both. I'm gonna... A Nazi broke his own neck during a somersault. I'm going to say that that's Nazi Germany and that happened during that one Olympics where we let them in. You know? Yeah.

Yeah, the Jesse Owens one. I wouldn't call it when we let them in. They let us in. We went there for that. Oh, yeah. I think Conor meant the white man. He's siding with the other team. I'm going to level with you guys.

I don't know a lot about history. What do you think, Tom? Wait, it was a somersault or a backflip? How could that possibly change your thing? How the fuck do you break your neck doing a somersault? This guy figured it out. Wow. Well, Tim will show you.

They think they're the superior race. They can't even make their body do a circle. I'm going to... Yeah, I got to assume that's Disney World. That is Disney World World That was in the Indiana Jones Stunt Show Spectacular Well that don't count

He's not real No but he's You wear the flag You fucking suffer The somersault Yeah I guess Do they have Swastikas on

In that rendition of it No cause I remember Being mildly upset about it I'm like well this isn't Very accurate They just have a red flag With a big white circle And they're like

You know what goes in there. Just a fat nine-year-old going, well, it's not exactly accurate, is it? And last one. Plans were launched to recruit 20,000 model citizens to live in a dome. Fuck. Yeah, that's got to, I mean, that sounds like

both again, but Epcot? So, Disney. I'm going to say Disney. I mean, that's definitely Disney, but I think it's also Nazi. Maybe the Nazis did it, but it is Disney and that was the original plan for Epcot. That's it for

Disney or Nazi or whatever. One more time for Big Tim Murphy, everybody. Thank you so much, Big Tim. So we do a game on this show called Tom Tomper. Are you guys familiar with it? Yeah. We're doing something a little bit different.

Keith had the idea. What if I gave it a shot? So we're going to. Someone goes, no. I'm a level with you. I already wrote it, so it's happening. Yeah, so this is how the game usually works is I, wrote it so it's happening How the game usually works is It's usually me I throw out

A hint of my bizarre head Say words and people are like I don't know what it is but they guess In a Jeopardy format But Keith Carey is doing it tonight Give it up for Tom Goss Presents Keith Carey and Tom Tomperty by Keith Carey

Produced by Tom Goss presents Keith Carey and Tom Topperty by Keith Carey, produced by Tom Goss. Featuring Louis J. Gomez. I in no way co-signed that name. So yeah, I'll give you the categories you guys buzz in. You buzz in by saying Bear Cum. If either of these guys can't get it, if you know it, yell Bear Cum, and we'll see if you guys can figure it out. Your categories today, Florida stuff, weapons, letters, and places I've had sex.

Okay, I'm an expert in most of these. I'll take us away. I'm going to say letters. Letters for 100? Yes. All right. Big Dick P. Bearcum.

Tom. Capital B. No. Big Dick P. Oh, Bearcum. Connor B No Big Dick P Oh Bearcum Connor R It's R

Yeah Because the R part That makes it That's the dick See I've been around Tom long enough I know how to do this Yeah

I'm contagious No that made sense Alright Letters for 200 Lazy O Bearcum Yes Q

No U Bearcum Yes Yes. Q. No. Q. Bearcum. Yes. C. Yes. Man, we've stolen the one thing that brought Tom Joy. I'm right on all of these.

You're not. This is like if Magic Johnson got bad at basketball after he got AIDS. It's sad. I'm going to say letters for 300. Letters for 300. Fucked up tent. What was that? Fucked up tent. What was that? Fucked up tent.

Bearcum. Yes. A. No. Are these capitals or lowercase? Capitals. Oh, Bearcum. Yes.

V. Yes. Yeah. It's upside down, you fucking idiot. Yeah. All right. Well, the A is a tent with a bar through it. That's also-

You need structural support for a tent. Not in the middle of it. You don't know how tents work? You ever sleep in a two-story tent? You dumb bitch. Here's what's going on. Tom last night did cocaine and went out with a girl so we've traded places.

And I have all of the dumb, dumb knowledge flowing through my veins in my current feverish state. So I'm going to say letters for 400. Scrabble, bitch. Oh. Yes. That's correct. It's Q.

I said that already. I was... Alright, so that guy's... It's a bitch and scrabble. Fuck this guy who drove two hours to see us last night. What do we got? Florida stuff for 100. Violence logs.

Bearcum. Axe. Oh, no. Bearcum. Football player penises. No, but amazing. Yes. No.

Oh, that's really good, though. Yes, I got it over here. That's correct. Alligators. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Wow, dude, that guy that fixes the Wi-Fi is really good, though. Yes, I got it over here. That's correct. Alligators. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Wow, dude, that guy that fixes the Wi-Fi is pretty good at this. You control the board, sir.

Florida Stuff for 200. Fast Rock. Fast Rot? Fast Rock. Fast Rock. Bear Cum. Yes. Math.

Correct. Oh. I don't know why, but I was thinking turtles. And you really are turning it to Tom. You really are turning into Tom. Yeah. All right, Tom. Florida Stuff, 300. Ass Clap Beethoven.

Oh, shit. Bear Cum. Yes. Pit Bull. Correct. Yeah. Back in it. Letters for five.

I was having fun with the letters. Letters for five. Scrabble Bitch's Friend. Bear Cum. You. You. Correct. having fun with the letters. Letters for five. Scrabble Bitch's Friend. Bearcum. You. You. Correct. Alright, Florida stuff. A good, nice, not fun round of me just winning quickly. Everyone's favorite at the comedy show.

Florida stuff for the next one. Good Lemons. Bearcum. Yes. Oranges. Correct. Shit. Oh, yeah, it's me. I was doing a victory lap. Next, Florida. Virgin Island. Do you guys got islands?

They got a bunch of them. Virgin Island. Bearcum. Yes. The Geek Easy? No. Anybody know it? Yes.

No. Not the Keys. Three, two, one. The correct answer was The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oh. That was close. All right. Tom, where are we going?

What were the other categories? I got weapons and places I've had sex. All right. Well, when you say places I've had sex, you mean you. Me, me. All right. I'm going to go weapons. Tom Destroyer.

Bearcum. Yes. Taser. Correct. Oh, weapons for two. Amish salad sword. Bearcum. Yes.

Pitchfork. Correct. Weapons for three. This is easier when the guy doing them thinks in English. Knife gun. Bearcum. Crossbow. Incorrect.

Oh, a gun that shoots knives? Also incorrect. Any ideas, guys? No. Throwing knives. No. Oh, blowgun? No.

Correct answer was bayonet. Oh. Yeah. All right. That's the reaction you want. What do you want, man? The can will be good. It sounded like someone missed a golf putt on that last one.

Oh. That's kind of how it felt, too. And then read everybody a Snapple fact. Wow. Four spiders a year in my sleep, you say. All right. Are we going weapons or are we going play something else? We're going weapons.

All right. The Big Hibachi Grill. Oh. Bearcum? Grill. Bear cum? Guillotine? I don't even know what a hibachi is, really. Bear cum in the back. Asian food is not a weapon.

Asian food is what? You cook Japanese food on a hibachi grill. That's correct. I don't know if it isn't a weapon, because I've seen a few things you've done. It loves truck stops on the... I got a bear, come over here. Flamethrower.

Flamethrower, no, but close. And same racist pun. I don't know. All right, it's the atomic bomb. I didn't do it. You guys were madder at that than any of the Hitler shit earlier. Okay, Enola Gay. Enola Bye.

Is that better? I'm doing great, guys. Weapons for the next one. Laundry Hammer. Shit. Laundry Ham... This sounds like the name of a football player You know

Like laundry hammer got drafted to the Bucks Is that a football It's not a mace right No It's a hammer you swing And a laundry machine goes in a circle Anyone got any I think we lose

Mallet no thiset, no. This one's bullshit. It's a sock full of quarters. Which I have watched my mother hit somebody with. Woo-hoo! Don't worry about it. Your brother?

He's right here! All right, we're on to places I've had sex for 100. Churro Auschwitz. Churro Auschwitz. Churro Auschwitz. Bear Cum. Interstitial?

Yes, your own butthole. Amazing, but no. Yes. No. Wiener Schnitzel? No. Have I? Bear Cum.

Yeah. Behind the movie theater. No, it's Disneyland. Oh. All right, for 200, car apartment. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. A trunk.

Jesus, not a trunk. I fucked in a trunk. Parking garage is correct. Wow, nice fist bump, dude. All right, for three, shoot me Walmart. Shoot me Walmart? Oh, bear cum. Yeah, I got one right here. K-Mart. K-Mart, no. What was, Walmart? Oh, bear cum. Yeah, I got one right here. Kmart.

Kmart, no. What was the hint? Yeah, Target is correct. Where did you fuck in a Target? Don't worry about it. Well, you were going to blow up your spot and you won't be able to fuck in a Target. No, I fucked in the bathroom of a Target. Oh, okay. One of those family ones. That's the grossest part of a Target.

Here's a question. Did you get the changing table involved? Yeah. Yeah's a question. Did you get the changing table involved? Yeah. Yeah, I did. All right. No gay pizza town. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Yes.

Papa John's. No, but good guess. Oh, no gay pizza town. Vito Powers. Vito Powers Pizzeria? No, he likes gays. He just does other ones, you know? Shit. I thought

I knew your sexual escapade. Frankly, I'm disappointed. I thought this was going to be a layup for you. Oh. No gay pizza. I was trying to write to your illness. Didn't you eat a pizza off an ass once? I ate a cake off an ass. It's a different thing. Yeah, you fucking idiot. I can't remember the food, body part.

The correct answer is Indiana. Oh. Oh, well done. All right, and last one. Places I fucked for 500. Above the shoes, squeaky place. The kneecap. I fucked a kneecap, yeah.

You have a very Native American approach to get everything involved. You can't waste any of the... Fuck every part of the buffalo. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I have no idea. Anybody have a guess? Above the shoes squeaky? I hear it, Beckham.

Bleachers. Bleachers. No, incorrect. What was the hint again? Above the shoes squeaky place. A big sock? No, the correct answer was Connor's bed. And that's it for Keith Does Tomperdy or whatever.

Oh, wow, that was great, man. Guys, give it up for Keith Carey. Should we do a little proper lightning round now? Yeah, you guys want real lightning round. You guys want a lightning round? Yeah. Okay. Wow, we're resounding. And you guys waited, like, is it another trick Where Connor's gonna do

Alright Connor or Tom you ready Yes Shout these out too especially anything you want to hear Tom lightning round Alright Tom What is a magnet A magnet a stick metal Alright Tom cinder blocks Are those cinder blocks

Connor chairs Bikinis A fucking Cinderblocks. Are those cinderblocks? Corner chairs. Bikinis. Fucking outside underwear. All right, pompadours. Fucking eee hat. I don't really know what they are. It's literally that hair.

Yeah. I don't know if you can tell. I'm just looking around the room. Yeah. Switch blades. Switch blades. Flippin' stick. There the room. Switch blades. Switch blades. Flippin' stick. Brain cancer.

Head mold. Jazz. Sexy horns. Swamps. Nature acne. Deep dish pizza. Sink cheese. All right, Tom.

Name seven Tom Hanks movies. Okay. Turner and Hooch. Toy Story. Toy Story 2. Toy Story 3. The chocolate one. Forrest Gump. Fucking.

Wait, are you talking? Yeah, Save it Private Ryan. Okay. And, oh, I crashed a plane. Sully. That movie sucked ass. It's like, we get it, you landed. All right, Tom, name seven animals.

Okay, dog, cat, scorpion, cheetah, orangutan, fucking spider, and elephant. Cool. Wow, Tom, name seven things you've seen in Florida so far. Okay, bugs, the geek easy. Tom, name seven things you've seen in Florida so far. Okay. Bugs. The Geek Easy. Connor. Keith. Him.

Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Her. Fuck you guys. Anyone got anything else we want to hear?

Weasel? Weasel. We to hear? Weasel? Weasel. Weasel. Fucking stretch rat. All right. I think that's the Tom God's lightning round. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Come say hi.

I'm sorry I'm dead. Hold up. Oh, fuck. Yeah, real quick. Sorry we started late. You guys said we did the stun gun in Kansas City. You guys had comparable numbers. So we're going to go ahead and bring our he's been driving us around. Guys, give it up for

Will. He's going to come up and he's going to shock me. This is Will, our bus driver, the least enthusiastic man that ever lived. Can you tell the story of what happened at the gas station with the taser? I had this clipped on my belt so I wouldn't lose it. I walked into the gas

station. Some guy was like, where'd you get that? I was like, some guy gave it to me. He was like, how much? I was like, man, it's 60. He was like, I'll give you 55 for it. I was like, no. I'm good. People are just going around trying to buy weapons

in a shell. Yeah, you're going to get him in the arm. Hold it until he falls so you'll know what happens. All right, should we try to catch Tom again? Nah. All right. You want to go catch him? Do you guys all want to hold hands?

I literally medically don't think I should. A hard pass. No, I wasn't the dumb shit who was like, if you look at our show, I'll get electrocuted. I'm not taking the hit for you. If anyone's got some soup. You want to hold my hand? No. Hold the phone.

All right. On the count of three We're going to do Fuck everything God is dead And then we're going to Taste the shit out of Tom You guys ready? Yeah

One Two Three Fuck everything God is dead It's a flashlight It's a flashlight now It's not fucking working

Thanks for coming, everybody. Thank you, man. Thank you.