Mean Boys - EP 194 - Rock BARD (feat. Ramsey Badawi & Isaac Hirsch)

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

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Hey, what's up everybody? Mean Boys Podcast, brand new episode. No Tom this week, he's a little, uh, fuckin' illed. Yeah. We're joined by everyone's favorite pal. He's as under the weather as he should be all of the time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and finally, his life caught up to his body. Yeah.

And just beat him up like he was getting mugged in the street by his own choices. Yes, but never fear, dear listener, because sitting in, your favorite, our favorite, Ramzi Badawi's back in the trap. The man who puts the pal in Palestinian. Oh, yes. Indeed. So you read his business cards. Yeah. And Isaac Hirsch joining us in studio, one of our favorites.

And, yeah, we got an all-manner shenanigans. It's a very long episode. We had a wonderful time. You guys are really going to dig it. As for what's going on in the Mean Boys universe, of course for five dollars a month for uh for patreon bonus content we just had a great one with ramsey uh fucking litigating the entire fraudulent charity he made keith the president of yeah which i'm officially making phone calls to deal with tomorrow so by next episode you will have a kevin spacey foundation update yes uh i do um for the new listeners it was called the kevin spacey

didn't do it foundation for the learning arts i didn't listeners, it was called the Kevin Spacey Didn't Do It Foundation for the Learning Arts. I didn't start it. It was started in my name fraudulently. Keith is the president. The vice president is Mike Pence. And then the secretary and treasurer are me again. Yes. So I'm legally liable.

Yeah. So Keith is currently trying to negotiate his way out of several fines. So go listen to that. Only five bucks. Yeah. We got 10 bucks a month to Ten bucks a month gets you... Yeah, ten bucks a month gets you a monthly goodie. When you hear this, I'll have already mailed out the koozies and the stickers from last

month. We're getting caught up on everything. If you ordered a shirt, they're coming soon. Yeah, we got to... We're doing a big back... Yeah, we're playing a little catch up with the March. I know we say that all the time, but... Or if you want a shirt, they're 20 bucks on the web store.

That's a link in the show notes. Yeah. Yeah, they're nice t-shirts. Yeah, we got them in normal people sizes still. Fat guys, hang tight. We'll be with you shortly. Fat guys, as usual, you're going to have to wait. Yeah. You're going to have to wait until the other t-shirts break up with their

boyfriend and then you swoop in and comfort them and then you can buy a t-shirt. Get that rebound torso. I got something to plug. I'll plug it at the end of the show, but I should probably plug it up here in the intro because people are actually listening to this part. People have been asking when my album comes out. It comes out real fucking soon. Partylicious is available for pre-order this Friday, May 17th, and it is officially on

sale and everywhere. Spotify, all that shit on the 24th. Here's the deal. If you guys can buy it, grab it on iTunes. That's the place to get it. Daddy's trying to make the iTunes charts. yeah and get our boy on the charts and here's the thing it would be ridiculous if we did it it's not an unreasonable thing to do the way the comedy you have to sell 35 albums yeah to get to number one i i know people who have made the charts who do not have the

robust army of fucking shut-ins that we do. If you can't buy it, that's totally cool. It's going to be on Spotify, but I'm really excited about it. Thank you to everybody who's asked about it. And you guys, Keith lives in crippling poverty. Yeah, true squalor. He is disgusting, the way this man lives. Yeah, and it's coming out on Radland Records.

It's beneath any human life to have to live. Alright, calm down. Started by our buddy Kyle Clarkson. If you like Kyle's shit, buy it for Kyle a little bit. If you want to give Keith a shred of dignity like a piece of driftwood in a cold

ocean of life. If you want to give me a shred of dignity, skip this intro. I'm trying to drum up sales for you, buddy. It's an old technique. I'm not trying to death of a salesman him. I'm just trying to fucking save you. What if I told you about wearing your plastic bag shoes in my room? I got nowhere else to go.

You track in the soot. I put the zip ties on. I know, but that traps in the soot and then it breaks out the bottom and you get all your chimney sweep refuse all over my nice clean floor. You're wearing bread bags for shoes and you have the little zip ties. They keep coming, I'm done. Yeah, and I didn't put it on one week, and the birds kept getting at them.

We are that far. Look, I follow sneaker news pretty closely. We are so close to it being a bag with a big twist tie, and that's how you lace it. It's like, yeah, just mail Kanye $2,000 directly, and he'll put that in your house. Frankly, you could sell that idea to Louis Vuitton for a controversial runway show tomorrow. Jesus Christ. The fucking golden bread bag tie. You should try and become a high-end shoe designer and just see what happens.

I don't. I gotta. Like as a lark. I can't go straight into it. If I can get enough. You know how like they let Patton Oswalt write one issue of a Firefly one shot? Yeah. I think if I could get to a point in comedy where they just let me make like an Air Jordan

8, the ones that nobody fucking likes. Yeah. I would love to do that. They just give you like, you know, like when you have like just the box 8 than the ones that nobody fucking likes. Yeah. I would love to do that. They just give you like, you know, like when you have like just the box of all the spare Lego parts from a million different kits, they give you all the parts of a shoe no one wanted. Yeah. Well, they start you off with a Chuck and you got to work your way.

And they say, if you can make a cool Chuck. Man. Then we'll let you make an Air Max. Dude, I would buy the Conor McSpadden Chuck. I know, man. And don't think I don't have ideas. Oh, yeah. So, I mean, look, at some point,

that will be my vanity project. Yeah. But by Keith's album. Yeah, do that for now while we work on that. And that'll give me the capital I need. Hey, and also, look at this professional list of things to plug. We have a television show coming out. That's insane.

Yeah, we do. That we executive produced directed and starred in called historical roast i've actually been jeff ross this whole time this is an elaborate ruse um we made several million dollars we just do this for fun now indeed yeah we got so rich recording this from a helicopter we got so filthy rich writing this television we're on our way to the real jurassic park it's an actual thing it was unbelievable they made the movie so you'd think it was fake so you never looked for it. No, not once did you look for it. But yeah, that's coming out Memorial

Day. And you know what you do? Here's how you watch it. You go look up when Memorial Day is, because I forgot. May 27th. What Keith said. And then you get on your Netflix and then it's right there. You won't be able to miss Jeff's big, ugly head. It's going to take up an impressive amount of your computer screen.

Yeah, like, oh, Sleepy Turtle has a new special. That's great. You're like, oh, shit. Lord Varys got head it's gonna take up an impressive amount of your computer screen yeah like oh sleepy turtle has a new special that's great you're like oh shit lord varus got a spin-off yeah good for the goomba from the super mario brothers movie so yeah go check that out tell your friends because uh you know we could do another season yeah and i and you know all all dunking on our own shit aside i actually am very proud of the uh the work we put I think it's a pretty good show. Yeah, I think you guys will enjoy it if you like this. Now, don't get in any fights on our behalf

because I don't think anyone else is going to like the show. I think people are going to like the show. I think people will like the show. We are preparing for the internet

to savage this show relentlessly. I'm preparing to be subtweeted by many of my closest friends. Yeah, look at the end. At the end of the day, I realize I wrote for it. It is Jeff giving the business

to a man dressed as hitler so like you're either on board with that or you're not yeah so we shall see i'm telling my mom right now you fucking just lay low don't read it don't go on split cider mom yeah i'm i'm immediately reading every comment and i'm going to bathe in the negativity i can't i hope someone gets mad at a joke i wrote and i could just be like, that was me. My bad. That would be fun. Anyway, all that's going on. You know, fucking leave us an iTunes review.

We still got to figure out what our next review challenge is. Yeah, we keep hitting them and I keep thinking we're not going to hit them. Yeah, no, I keep thinking there's no way. Yeah, every day I'm shocked that anyone supports this bullshit. Yeah, there's one iTunes review for like every 10 people that listen, which is like, that's way too high. The ratio there is bananas. But, you know, you guys want electricity.

Yeah. What can I say? I don't know. We'll fucking kick Connor with a horse or something. Yeah. I won't be able to walk for a thousand iTunes. We'll kill Connor. Because everyone knows, once you get a thousand iTunes reviews, you get free health care.

You get robot legs. There's access to the finest stuff. Man, Obama ruled. Thank you, man. Yeah. All right. Enjoy. Hey, everybody. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Your crush just posted her vacation photos, but it was a skiing trip. No tits. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I am... In a For Hims ad, apparently. Whoa, that's pretty good, dude. It's just like hip clothes, but no visible branding. Nice haircut.

You got the chunky glasses. Everything about you says that you are really satisfied with your new erection. Here's the funniest part about that. Connor and Ramsey are wearing the exact same outfit. Oh, that is so funny. You guys both look like you're in some sort of terrible Kazakhstan-y boy band. Yeah, it's really... But Ramsey's technically ambiguous.

But work for bread. Ramsey is culturally white passing, so that puts him in brochure territory it's so funny it's for him's ad on me and then when it's on connor it's bruce springsteen fan sure you have put on the uh the trustworthy arab snapchat filter absolutely i this i wore the boots that's when i pretended to be a redneck so the mechanic wouldn't gouge me when I was out in Oklahoma. And I went in there like, yeah, I bought the car from my damn sister and I'd fix the fuel pump myself. But I got to hit my wife tonight. So could you do it, please? It's so funny.

Connor, you really can shape shift with your shoes instantly. It's like right now. It's part of a new children's show I'm pitching. I think that is the... Isn't that the... Isn't that the... I did have an idea for... The plot to an Adam Sandler movie?

I think you're thinking of Mike Mike. I am thinking of a... I do think it would be a good kid show where a kid has different sneakers that give him superpowers like Ben 10, you know? And then they would make their parents buy the sneakers and they'd be billionaires. Oh, man, you get Nike to underwrite the whole thing yeah it becomes like a weird sales pitch is that when you

start to look at things like that like every single like you guys see that those uh my grandma's got cancer there's a show here do you see those ads for that show ugly dolls yeah or that movie ugly dolls right is this that when you see shit like that you think oh i know for a fact they came up with those toys before they came up with the plot of this movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They just came up with the merchandise. Just have to reverse engineer like they're just trying to sell fucking sunscreen here. Yeah. Man, I remember I saw a Facebook ad. It was just Pitbull

and he's like, what's up? It's Mr. 305. I play the dog in Ugly Dolls and here's a new song. And I was like, this feels like a parody of like fucking why America should burn. I've seen those ads on buses that'll be like it'll be like ugly dolls perfection can stuff it but then if you look on the back side of the bus it's like an ad for a persian woman like wanting to freeze off of your fat yeah which is like

hilarious yeah well yeah it just doesn't seem like everything like there's always got to be like it's the new limited edition baby boss kia you know like the boss baby kia you want to set the tone of your next meeting like the boss baby you need the dashboard looks like one of those like fake ones you put in front of a baby so they can pretend they're driving there's a mobile instead of a light push the grover button yeah yeah the horn is it's got big bird on it all the radio stations are just variations of mobile music. Yeah. It just plays, like, ice cream truck songs for babies with the glockenspiel.

This is my jam. The wheels on the bus do go round. Yeah. Good stuff. It is scary that just, like, that's the only... And it's like, well, I guess there's not going to be a period piece anymore unless they're, you know, Sam and Frodo are passing by a wood sign for ye old fucking Coca-Cola next or whatever. Yeah, dude. Oh, man.

But, you know. Yeah. Oh, man. Can I tell a pretty amazing story that happened to me? I told you very briefly this morning, Connor, what happened. I got off. I was taking a great hunt back from Fresno yesterday. And I got off in Burbank thinking, look, I'm going to treat myself to, like, a nice lunch.

I'm going to go to Target, get some things I need. And I'm walking down the street, and I walk under a tree, and I got attacked by a murder of crows. For reals? For real. Ten crows flew down and started pecking my face and landing in my hair. I punched a bird in the face. Here's the thing. I don't know if you know this about crows.

They knew you had fries in your mouth. Crows can recognize faces. You must look like somebody who likes... I've wronged these birds? Yeah, you look like Dumbo. Let's go find out who the Michael Vick of crows is. What fat guy was making them fight for his amusement. The worst part is I was under like a tree.

There's like this big like sort of like overhanging tree and so I'm swatting at these birds like a fucking asshole and I come out going, blah! And I'm just in front of a Zan Cow chicken, and people are just staring at me like, what's wrong with that guy? Yeah. Hey, man, you're familiar out of line. You always talk about the joke version of my life is I'm just trying to enjoy a small pleasure, and then a falcon steals it out of my hand. I just wanted to go get nice chicken before I fucking went back to my terrible home.

Yeah, Keith spent hours making a souffle that a spider laid eggs inside of. From now on, any time Keith goes to Zanku Chicken, he has to put on a Richard Nixon mask. Like a point break in it? So they don't recognize you. Oh, this guy got to rob the place? No, it's you're new. He's got a crow problem. Tricky Dicks here.

Get like four more of the garlic sauces. He's got a crow problem. Tricky Dicks here, get like four more of the garlic sauces. He's got a problem. I do feel like if I was a crow, I would see you and go, there's got to be some crumbs that we could harvest. Yeah, this fucker's full of weird Cheeto. I'll tell you what. I bet this guy's skin tags taste like bugles. We got to get in there.

They're putting them on the end of their fingers like spooky witch fingers. Yeah. We already have talons. This feels redundant. These are just worse talons. It's like we witch fingers. Yeah. We already have talons. This feels redundant. These are just worse talons. It's like we've got people hands. When they see Tom

they go, this guy for sure buried a few acorns. Let's go see what happens. Tom is a nut forager. I do like the idea that this is some kind of government psyop

where they've got crows trained and they're like, this Carrie guy is getting too close to the truth. I'm seeing his Facebook post. He's really sticking it to us and our administration.

We got to get him where it hurts. The chain chicken establishment. We got to get him where it hurts. His face. What are we going to do? Are we going to take away his family, his pets? No, no, no. There's only one thing.

Throw a bird at him. One thing you can use as a fulcrum for this man. You got to deprive him of quick, ready-to-eat chicken. This man will not enter a flame broiler, not a Popeye's, not a KFC. Truly one of the cruelest things you could do to Keith is make him afraid of chicken. No, I felt like such a beautiful vindication eating a bird after that. Yeah, that's actually amazing. I didn't want to go outside and be like, this is what I've done to your brethren!

That's so funny. Waving the carcass around. That would be, that would, how the story would, like, if you wrote the Alfred Hitchcock story, where just, like, I was just trying to get one of those microwavable pies from 7-Eleven, and then the many-headed hand of death fell from the skies and thirsty for blood. Well, I tried to get a Circle K empanada, long story short, mauled by a Cerberus. Do they sell empanadas at Circle K? I don't know.

It's time for my favorite segment of the show. They do at 7-Eleven, but... My favorite segment of the show, Keith Carey's gas station food updates. What's on the scene this week? I chose not to eat an AM-PM sandwich today. Wow, good idea. I chose to wait and go to Flame Broiler like a grown-up. That's, you know... And you wanted sash for this?

Yeah. I want vast accolades for doing very little to improve my life. I recently purchased 10 buffalo wings from 7-Eleven. What did you do with the other nine? They call that a coward's dozen. I've never seen. I'm not kidding There were feathers

On the wings It was the most disgusting Dude I fuck With the 7-Eleven wing though Yeah Don't tell me I ate all of them I'm about to give you

A fat hack right now Yeah Don't get the buffalo ones Get like the crispy ones Then fill up half the box With nacho cheese And then you got A cheese dipping sauce

Oh my god Wow Oh my god Wow Oh you're right Cheese on chicken. What an absolutely disgusting concept. What kind of weird diuretic baptism is this?

I'm right. It's just the fucking, the warm temperature ass 7-Eleven yellow goo with the fucking chicken wings that are four months old. It's, oh, yuck. It's just, it's nacho. You know what?

It's nacho chicken. I don't, here's the thing though. Whatever. I don't know if it's, it's not cheese. This is between you, your girlfriend, and whatever God has abandoned you, all right? Whatever queso Christ. Yeah, God damn, dude. It can't be cheese in a 7-Eleven, right?

In that chili cheese machine? It can't be real cheese, though, right? I mean, it's not like, you know. Nothing in there was ever in a cow. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing was ever in anything. It's cheese product.

You know, it's... Yeah, yeah. You don't go to a nacho cheese machine expecting real cheese. You're absolutely right. You don't go for nacho goo. It's cheese in the same way this is comedy. I mean, it serves a similar function, but... If you squint and hold your nose, sure, maybe, but...

And it's enjoyed mainly by homeless people. Yeah. I like the idea of a homeless guy filling up his fisherman's bucket hat with cheese. And listening to this podcast. Putting it back on his head. I found a way to get iTunes on a broken shower radio. I found it in the dumpster behind the Dollar General. Yeah.

If you want to hang out by my shopping cart, I got 20 minutes of Rogan. Not one of the good ones. It's Ben Shapiro. What's new with you big ass Ramdog dude I haven't seen you in a minute

nothing just working right now I've been working working bard or bardly working I'm working on speaking of the

bardly working I'm actually in the process of what I'm calling the research the R&D phase of doing my own energy drink

whoa whoa yeah I'm doing that wait what yeah I'm doing an energy drink. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, I'm doing that. Wait, what? Yeah, I'm doing an energy drink. Right now, we're kind of testing some flavors. Where are you making this?

What toilet are you brewing this in? What inner city basketball team is going to be taxed with distributing this product once it reaches production? The audacity of mocking my cheese intake. Well, listen. I mean, here's the thing. This is not even you thinking. Here's what, here's the thing. It's good. This is not even you think. Here's what you need with the name.

You got to have a word that already exists. You got to make one of the letters a Z or an X. Well, it's going to be. That's crucial. Scorpion with a Z. Scorpion. Well, these are all interesting ones. So far, the winner of the name for the drink, it's going to be called Rock Bard.

Oh, that's bad. No, hear me out. Rock Bard. Rock Bard sounds like what somebody calls like Steven Tyler or something. Rock Bard. Oh, that's bad. No, hear me out. Rock Bard. Rock Bard sounds like what somebody calls like Steven Tyler or something. Rock Bard, dude. That was the big family game in the 1600s where you bought the controllers but you only used it once on Christmas. Rock Bard.

It's like I can't play the hottest lute hits of the day. I'm doing a sonnet. It's nothing like playing a real lute. I thought about calling it just Rock Hard. And here's the thing about Rock Hard. It is the first ever energy drink designed to enhance male sexual performance. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. So it makes you fast and hard?

Yeah. Our tagline is... Say it right now. Go hard, go home, go fuck your wife. What are we looking at flavor-wise? Well, right now, again, we're in R&D at this point. We're doing some research into what people consider the most extreme berry. Yeah.

Right now, what I did recently was I mixed- Between Raz and Chuck. I mixed a Dime-A-Tap with a LaCroix the other day. And I got some flavors that I thought were interesting. What flavor is that? Nap? Well, you know, that's for our African American

demographic. What is Diamond Tap? Is that one of those cough syrups? It's great cough syrup. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. And that one's called Go Big, Go Home, Go Fuck Someone Else's Wife.

While he watches. It's the first energy drink exclusively for cucks. Yeah, man. After I have one of these, I don't even have the will to stand up, much less stop type man from having his way with a woman I love. I'm just saying, I've never, I've never, we live in an era now where it's game on. Yeah, where does this energy drink fit into society? That's what I want to know. We live in a zoom out.

It fits into the worst parts of society. Look, millennials, we're worried about global warming and job security. How does this energy drink serve us? Well, look, here's the thing. There's an energy drink for everything. There's an energy drink for lifting weights. There's an energy drink for studying. Why not an energy drink for fucking your wife that you don't like that much anymore?

Yeah. Why not? Yeah, yeah. And so the ingredients so far we have- Well, they have that. It's beer. Oh, come on. Come on, man.

Come on. No, that we- Keith actually wrote every episode of the Drew Carey Show. A lot of people don't know that about Keith. We're doing a proprietary blend right now. We've been testing out some stuff. We found a real good, I think, formula. We do believe these ingredients together will have a synergistic effect.

Yeah. Much like AlphaBrain. It's very real stuff. We figured we go a little Guarana, a little caffeine, one Ritalin pill per bottle. Yeah, one Ritalin pill. That's good. And nobody knows what works. It's just kind of a proprietary blend.

It's all in there. It's impossible to isolate the one the one thing that gets you going it's like the 97 bulls i mean any given night it could have been anybody that was carrying that team so yeah i've been doing that that's really what i'm working on right now okay yeah what is that what is that what is what what's providing the horniness is that just a straight cialis or you got some horny goat weed larganine what are you using i'm i'm reaching out i'm reaching out. I'm putting out some feelers, trying to get some rhino horn.

It would be cool. Ooh, okay. I want a real rhino horn. Do you just use the same rhino horn to stir every batch the last longer? Oh, that's a great idea. Each one will come in a golden cock and cost $30, however. I like the idea that each batch is stirred with a rhino horn. Give a rhino horn spatula.

Now look, it's illegal to buy these, but we've already got it. So could you just be cool and let us stir the pot with a rhino horn? You can't buy a rhino horn, but you can buy a rhino. That happens to have a horn. And then you can just not brush its horn until it falls off.

I mean, you can't stop a rhino from shooting itself. You can't prove the rhino didn't do it. Here's a Tom question. Do rhinos have a face dentist? Are they like, you got to start brushing your horn? Before they go to the jungle grocery store. What was I going to say? Yeah, I like it, man.

Yeah, so that's what we're working on right now. You got to have a novelty bottle. Because these boner pills at the gas station, there's already one called Rhino. Yeah. It comes in a pill that's the size of a Beats speaker. Yeah, that's a good point. Which is impossible to swallow. That's a great point.

You know those Listerine strips? Oh. What if we did one of those, but it comes in a condom wrapper? And so you open up the condom wrapper, and you pull out a disc. There's also a lube in there. So once you wipe that out of your mouth, you can put the excess on your wiener. Put it in your mouth. Oh, you know what we'll do is maybe we'll get like blue chews and we'll just crush them up and put them in the drink.

I like that it's made with other existing copyrighted products. That's my favorite part. Well. Is that. Okay, look, you guys know Skittles, right? Well, we got a Vitamix. Okay. I already talked to him.

Yeah, I glued a vacuum to a skateboard. I call it the Roomba. I already spoke to my attorney, Ray. He says we're completely within order. Ray, owner of many pizza places. Yeah. He also owns an auto body shop. Of course he does. Is this

real? I love it. This is 100% real. This is an attorney I've spoken to. I want to diversify, but I want the sketchiest kind of diversification you have to offer. I'm talking car washes that are a front for meth dealers, body shops. Meth dealers that are a front for car washes. Real strip clubs, fake strip clubs. Homebrew energy boner pills. Yeah, why can't it sell? I don't know. I'm just taking advantage. It's a homebrew culture boner pills Yeah why can't I don't know

I'm just taking advantage It's a homebrew culture Out here these days And I'm taking advantage So this is going to be Small batch Energy drinks Craft energy drinks

Ramsey's artisanal poison Yeah Organic Designed to get you Rock hard For your girlfriend Yeah Or your wife

Or your wife Or someone else's wife Or your husband Your boyfriend Yeah So be on the lookout for that That's we're working on that We drew the line there girlfriend. Yeah, or your wife. Or your wife. Or someone else's wife. Or your husband, your boyfriend. Be on the lookout for that. We're working on that right now. We drew the line there. He's like, hey, we do not endorse gay shit at Rock Bard Industries.

Does it come in a funny bottle? Do you have your label planned out? What the shape's going to be? Working on the label. I'm open to suggestions about what we could do with the bottle. It's shaped like a fist, but it's doing the shocker. Oh. You can flip the pinky up and down, and that's where you drink it at.

Like a sports bottle. That's smart. Or it comes in a bottle, a beer bottle that you need to open with a bottle opener, but it comes with its own shocker beer bottle opener. That's also pretty fun. I feel like the shocker is an integral part of the brand.

If we don't fuck it, if this doesn't work out... I almost think, not calling it rock barred, bottle opener. Oh, there you go. That's also pretty fun. I feel like the shocker is an integral part of the brand. Yeah. Yeah. You know, if we don't fuck it, if this doesn't work out. I almost think, not calling it rock barred, I almost, the shocker. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Ooh, the shocker's pretty good. Yeah, shocker. What's the shocker?

Maybe rock barred presents the shocker. A Ramsey Batali joint. Something you've never heard of that doesn't exist presents. Bad idea. Your energy drink has credits like a Quentin Tarantino movie. Yeah. And as soon as you crack the can, a Motown song you forgot about, but it's really good, starts playing. Oh, hey.

Please, Mr. Postman, huh? Can't wait to see someone get murdered to this. Getting horny. Getting horny. Getting horny. Well, you know. I mean, it's all... Look, right now, the FDA is getting into energy drinks, and it's all... It's really... Let's just say it's an unstable time.

You know what, man? They gave us CBD, and they had to take something back. They had to take something back, and now... Look, as you said, and I think about this at least once every two weeks, antidepressants or energy drinks are antidepressants for poor people. Yeah, they are. No, they're antidepressants for people whose dad thinks depression is gay. And really, what is this?

It's not the anti-CBD. Absolutely. It's like you're not technically going to get high, but you're going to feel a little worse for the rest of the day. I saw their announcement. They're now selling CBD-infused drinks at the 7-Eleven by your house. And I'm like, the anxiety I would get from having CBD I bought at 7-Eleven would counteract all soothing effects of the product itself. CBD selling out is my favorite thing.

There's a CBD ice cream place in North Hollywood. It's my favorite thing in the world. Why? Because it rules, and then you just feel mellow and full of ice cream. I love the idea that a CBD place, they're going to be selling CBD drinks at 7-Eleven. You want to reduce anxiety? Don't go to a 7-Eleven. There's a 7-Eleven by here.

I'm not kidding. There's just a guy who hangs out by the donuts with a fucking giant bearded lizard on his shoulder. And it's disgusting. I've heard about this guy. It's opening its mouth while it's looking at the hot dogs and shit. And I'm like, oh, this is so gross. And they're like, hey, he does police the flesh. So we kind of got, we can't afford one of those air things.

It's optional from coming in. So we keep Tony on retainer. He's just got a little doggy dish full of the nacho cheese. Oh, yeah. He has a little, like, a little feed bag you put on him. I gotta tell you, I hate CBD. I really do. It's my new stance, I hate CBD. I really do. It's my new stance.

I love CBD. I hate it. You took out all the weed out of pot? Get the fuck out of here. You know, man, it only works on people that are going to feel good anyway. Yeah, exactly. Like Keith. You and I, Ramsey, the truly tense people who are out here getting in fights on Offer Up.

I did recently get into an argument. Shouting in our cars. CBD is not enough for us. I got into an argument with a woman on Craigslist because she was looking for her party. She wanted a Jesus lookalike. And I sent her my picture and said, historically, I'm accurately what Jesus looks like. And she said that's not what she was looking for. So, yeah, I'm getting into fights online, too.

I think we're on you. I buy you as a Jesus. I just texted Ray, I think you got a case. I think we got a case here. That's a great point, dude. I should talk to Ray about it. Speaking of cases, what do you say we celebrate with a little rock bard? Crack down a couple cold ones, you know?

Yeah. Take turns in the bathroom. I'm going to be- Watching Cinemax, old good old seventh grade sleepover redux. I want to put together a proto 12 pack but the problem is a 12 pack

enough to make the optimism it'll make your dick explode just a prototype the problem is I can't scale it out to make it

each bottle less than $33 right now I can't scale it out it's a lot of if you drink a whole bottle of this you turn it into

one of the Hellraiser demons it just can only come by having its skin ripped out I mean I scale it out. If you drink a whole bottle of this, you turn it into one of the Hellraiser demons. It can only come by having its skin ripped off. This ruins you forever. I've seen many guys we know with low-paying factory jobs pay $35 for a fucking sippy cup of fancy-ass beer.

It's a great point. And you know what their dicks do? Jack shit is what it made it do. They didn't do anything. They serve this in some sort of oaky barrel or some shit. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, aged? I really kind of want the riddle in ripen.

Yeah. This is a June. This is a joke only people addicted to methamphetamines will get, but now sweetened with Adderall. You guys ever had Adderall before? It's real sweet. It's real sweet. Are you on the focus pills still?

No, no, I got off of them for, you know, health sake. Well, you got to be, and you're not coming, because your dick has never wanted to fuck more. Yeah, oh yeah. It's like waking up a dude that's passed out drunk it's like it's through to him it's like your dick gets a tapeworm in it too that's the other thing it's like nothing no satisfaction nothing no it's just like an eraser nub you know sometimes you would i would fuck my girlfriend for an hour and a half and nothing but a white flag that says bang comes out yeah no i was like getting blown on Ritalin.

I would always just tell her like, hey, this is like you're doing the Phantom Tollbooth right now. This is not going anywhere. The girl would look up while she was blowing Connor and he was reading

Catch Her in the Rye. Yeah. I'm up to... He has like a book like strapped to her head. Yeah. He's angled it up. I'm up to 150 words

a minute down here. All right? Keep it up. No, no, okay. Work the balls. I'm about to find out how we're all phonies. No, I just never come from blowjobs. So I'm like, don't give me a blowjob.

You're just going to start hating yourself. Yeah, I do. I never come from a blowjob either. I rarely do either because if I'm getting blown eventually, I'm just like, well, just fuck you. Yeah, but it seems cool to come from a blowjob. All right, Mr. CBD. Must be nice. Must be nice.

What does that even mean? Johnny Happy Pants just smoking his fake drugs, getting blown, having a good time. Yeah, dude, I guess- This is not an energy drink for you, all right? You're not allowed to have our energy drink. I'm now a part owner of the project. I'm not being an emotionally crippled Adderall addict. You know what?

Because you know what? It's rude. You're spiking the football, all right? This is- You really- If we were both you, we'd have had a murder-suicide pact go through already. If we were both me, we would not be friends. Exactly.

One of us has to keep the fucking boat floating while the other one pokes holes in it and laughs. Do you guys think it would be a smart move for me to advertise maybe if Rock Bard, now with all the THC from the CBD potd pot like i took all that thc went empty to everyone's sink traps you know how they make cars that run out of the used vegetable oil i'm taking all this unwanted thc weapons grade high preposterously hard and scream running towards something you've never fucked that is how i like I like to fuck, you know? With the focus of just like a bear who hasn't eaten in months, just fucking staring at a gazelle or something. Take the rock bar challenge.

What's that? Oh, see if you can drink a whole one and not do a rape. My goal is... You know, we gotta get the Bloodhound gang back together to do the commercial. You are gonna do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel after a sip of these.

I mean, you will drink this and eat your young. This is a Heath Ledgerizing cocktail of horniness. I'm serious. This is like another pitch. Maybe we call it Mr. Hyde, you know? Unleash the beast. Yeah. We're seriously three.

Hyde Tallboys. We're three more bullet points From being able to pitch this to Shark Tank If you commit any crime while you've drunk this beverage You're technically tried under insanity defense There's no way out It's the purge in a can Because after

After you drink it You do not have the control of your faculties Your whereabouts Purgeberry blast You are but a vessel Perchberry blast. You are but a vessel for this energy drink to wreak havoc through. People are... The commercial is just a guy flipping a cop car

and fucking Lisa Ann on top of it. You're the property... While a Deadmau5 song plays. You're the property of Beelzebub within that hour. Yeah. You basically, if you drink these- Give yourself to the devil. You turn into the Jafar version of the genie from the end of Aladdin.

Yeah. You have unlimited power and you use it for nothing but evil. And then one day you are trapped back inside of the can until somebody else gets thirsty at a gas station. I really am going to do this. I'm going to- I know you are and that's what's fucking horrifying. I'm just going to make six, a pack of six. And here's how you know- I'll turn into six real quick. Well, yeah, we're going to drink them. We'll you are and that's what's fucking horrifying. I'm just going to make six, a pack of six, and here's how you know I'm...

I'll turn into six real quick. Well, yeah, we're going to drink them. We'll do a special episode, a review. Here's how you guys know that I'm going to dedicate a serious amount of energy to this. There's no way I can make a dollar out of this. That's how you know I'm going to put the utmost dignity and respect

into this project. When Ramsey sees a future and an idea, the legwork, out. What's the point? If there is no fucking possibility of making money on something, the amount of energy and attention I have for this project.

And this is a guaranteed loss. So it's a Ramsey-Bedau-Way loss. Well, I remember after all the money you won on the Trump election, you put that right into the Buffalo Bills. Yeah, and that was rough, man. That was rough. That was good times for me, but rough time for the country, I guess. Did you really win money off the Trump?

I won $1,800. You didn't know that? No. Because me and Opie were outside on the patio, and we're just like, man, this is nuts. What are we going to do? And Ramsey's like, fuck it, I'm rich, bitch. I got enough for a one-way ticket to canada baby yeah he walked out drinking a like a like a rock star zero or something yeah no i mean i was alarmed but no more alarmed than usual after two and a half rock stars it's

everything is a trump election when you drink two rocks guys yeah i went on car drove by a block away this is the the end. I went on to, in February of 20, I think it was like 15 or whatever, I went on to a predicted.org, and Trump was the least likely person to win the Republican candidacy. Right. So I thought, I was like, he's going to win president. And my logic on it was like, it's like 50 bucks, and I don't really care about money. So I was like, I'll just put $50 into it. And that 50 bucks eventually compounded itself for like 1800 bucks.

It was crazy. Yeah. It was pretty. And you also had a couple office bets going too. Yeah. I had some office bets going. I also bet Kate Gary. And here's the thing.

I took that 1800 bucks. Who was probably crying and you're like, but seriously, I mean, we had a deal. She had to give you 40 bucks and like a piece of paper that says fucking Kate Gary's soul against the Milhouse. Yeah. I felt bad because it was like blood money. So I took $900 of it, and I ended up donating it to Planned Parenthood. And the other $900 to the Catholic Church. So they were both –

I'm going to fight it out. Come on, folks. Here we go. You're an arms dealer. You're the Tony Stark of the abortion debate. I'm saying if there's going to be an abortion debate, let's just put fuel on the fire. Ramsey made these donations sitting at his computer dressed like Don King. Only in America.

Only in Trump's America. I was wearing an authentic Archdiocese cap I purchased on eBay. You were wearing a gator basketball sweatband. It was gator skin sweatbands. Oh, dude, that was fun, man. The most effective. He'll win again this time. He'll for sure.

Yeah, there I'm with you. It'll be real interesting. You know, incumbency, man. It's tough. I sure would like him not to, but he's probably gonna. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Don't get me wrong. I know there's a lot of heat behind Beto O'Rourke, but I mean.

That fucking wiener is going to kickflip his way to irrelevancy real quick. I mean, he talks. I go, shut up, dude. He's the worst. Shut up, poochie. He's the fucking dog. I'm just like, you're a cop. Get the fuck out of here. Whoever.

There's a great Hard Times article. It was like, Beto O'Rourke could totally kickflip if he was wearing the right kind of shoes. I saw that. It's fucking fantastic. That's great, man. That's real good stuff. Well, they're all fucking, they're all nerds. None of them have the requisite swag.

Also, yeah, also just like, it's all just like upset chicks. Why is the Democratic Party? Yeah, what are girls complaining about? It's all just like mad chicks. I don't know why. I just, I go like, oh gosh, it just, America's not going to like this. They don't like mad chicks. Yeah, you know, I'm not saying it's good, but I don't know why. I just, I go like, oh, gosh. It just doesn't, America's not going to like this. They don't like mad chicks. Yeah, you know, I'm not saying it's good, but I don't.

Yeah, that's my point. I think you have a point. You know what I'm saying? And here's the thing. We need to get the chicks of America in a better mood. And what better way than to get them piped down with big ass ram dogs, horny fucking speed elixir, whatever you're making. I'm telling you, dude, I'll do a specially formulated one just for the chicks. For the ladies.

I like how I've already now dedicated myself to two separate avenues. Rockbard presents the Shocker 2 Ladies Night. I'd really love to work... I'd really love to work on my... It's called Wet with 5 Ts.

And the Ts stand for triglycerides. Totally soaked. Tits. And the T's stand for triglycerides Taurine Totally soaked Tits That's the last three T's Yeah, I'll just do six of those ones I'll do six of those, twelve for the dudes

Yeah, wait, you can't I know the dude stuff is going to work The chick stuff, I don't know as well That's where the science gets harder. That's where the science gets harder. Because you can't text it on yourself, and you can only sneak so much into Paige's breakfast each morning for a control group. The problem is she's going to taste the diamond tap in the cereal milk. She's going to taste it.

Ramsey, I don't know what happened, but since you've been cooking breakfast, I'm horny and buff. Yeah. I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm dating a cartoon turtle. Yeah, what does my yogurt taste like Tylenol PM? Don't worry about it. My pussy made a fist last night. I like the idea that I don't know how to make this energy drink without Dimetop. I'm like, I have no idea.

I can't get rid of the Dimetop. Yeah, well, I mean, who had that joke about the pussy cracking its knuckles? I think that's an old Rose Paddle joke. That's so funny.

Yeah, that is a Rose Paddle joke. I think it's Mike Schmidt on Madison Sinclair. Oh, there you go. Just to give him credit where credit

is due. Yeah. Okay, guys, what do you say we get into the Mexican joke? Let's do it. Ay, So topical You know

I've got some real A1 stuff this week Oh boy Oh dude Me too man Three people were found Dead of crossbow wounds At a hotel in Germany

I mean I've heard of gang activity But gangus activity This is ridiculous Dude I've got My first joke is I've heard of joke Well dude

This is what happens When you sell your soul And you write jokes for General Electric like the con man. Well, I'll open with something much dumber. An Alabama man got in a fist fight where his first punch knocked a man's eye out of its socket, and his second punch burst the man's eyeball. He's being charged with aggravated assault and a flawless victory. Perfect. Well, I did something a little special for you guys tonight. What I did here is

I pulled... It's four in the afternoon. Oh, is it four in the afternoon? Well, you know. I like that you looked outside. Yeah, that's the sun. The sun is the light one. Using Tom's mic,

it's hard to not inherit just some Tom qualities. Yeah. Side effects of Tom equals you don't know whether it's AM or PM. Why do I know about tigers now? I do like it that Ramsey queues it up like he's about to perform Me and Mrs. Jones live in concert.

I've got something very special for you tonight. I've got a special treat for you guys. Stevie Wonder on the keys. I decided I'm a special guest. Look, I've done the joke off. You're a guest. Calm down. I'm a special guest. He's a very special guest.

A little something special for the Mean Boys fans tonight. Very special guest. He's a very special guest. A little something special for the Mean Boys fans tonight. Very special guest. I'm excited. What I did was I did a joke entirely all from stories I got from vapingdaily.com. Now, vapingdaily.com, for those of you, and I imagine it's not that many of you. Everybody probably knows, but let me just refresh your memory. Ramsey actually discovered this site trying to go to his favorite website, vaping gaily.com vaping daily is an online community of passionate vapers who have since 2015 been testing and reviewing thousands of projects so it's pretty much storm front for guys that still wear vests well imagine loving vaping so much that you're like i need to create

a forum for us to come together yeah i get it, man. Yeah, man. Look at all your little interests. Yeah. That's fair. All your little hobbies over there with your CBD ice cream, your polo shirts just smiling away. What's with the polo shirt? You can't wait to see. I wear a polo shirt twice a month. Movie theories of the week.

He gets. Wow, man. Look, man. I don't know if you're the right person to get behind this energy drink. For the deeply spiritually unsatisfied man. The man who can't fuck or feel joy. There's finally an energy drink for us. Rock Bard, fill the hole.

Rock Bard, do you fantasize about killing yourselves as soon as your parents die and you don't feel guilty anymore? Crack open a can. Put it where your smile should go. Rockbard, in your fantasies when you're rich, are you still sad? Rockbard, can you fuck a stranger just fine but someone you love not very well? Rockbard. This can's for you. Rockbard, it's midnight forever.

Rockbard, did you get everything you ever wanted and then it turned to ash in your hands? Rock Bard, it's 5 a.m. somewhere. That's great. Official beverage of crying at a Waffle House. 3 a.m., but I love it. Give us a news story

for Vaping Daily. What's on the beat, man? It's pretty interesting. There's this well, give us a new story from Vaping Daily. What's on the beat, man? Well, I mean, it's pretty interesting. I got this interesting story. I don't know if you guys have heard. A Canadian vape shop was actually robbed by a husband and wife team. Whoa. I mean, I've heard of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but Mr. and Mrs. Smock?

Get fucked. That was a joke for 14 people. You built yourself such a long ramp, and then you evil-cunevaled it to the top of it, and the motorcycle exploded. That was great, dude. And I twisted my ankle. Maybe if they could put some CBD in your polo shirt, you could maybe get on board with a fucking pig for once in your life. I'm over enjoying small pleasures to lighten the load of being attacked by birds and my own insecurities. Every single thing that makes you happy is a loogie in my eye.

CBD. It serves only to enrage me. Because I'm like a millionaire with some kind of secret disease. But it's not a million. But you know what I mean? I've scoured the world for something to enjoy. And it's all just nothing. Until now.

This episode guarantees Infinite CBD never comes on as a Mean Boys sponsor. They come on as a Keith Carey sponsor. That's what they do. All right, guys. Time for another flawless joke. A Coca-Cola billionaire's private jet was raided, and authorities found over 5,000 marijuana plants. So that's why they greenlit that new orange vanilla flavor. They had to be smoking something, guys.

I believe you forgot to read the last word of that joke, which is do-yo-yo-yo-yoing. Dude, man, I like the do-yo-yo-yo-yoing. Dude, man, I like the do-yo-yo-yoing jokes. I love do-yo-yo-yo-yoing, man. Well, here's a do-yo-yo-yo-yo-inger for you. A new study shows that Netflix's 13 Reasons Why caused a 28% increase in teen suicide. In related news, they also found HBO's Game of Thrones caused a 47% increase in boring conversations at parties. Oh, man. Really sticking it to Big Thrones.

That's what I'm here to tell. I feel like I would have liked that joke after a little CBD. It would have made you chilled out to really get the nuance. It was just a little

too mellow for me. It's soft jazz. It's not funny, but it's fine. That was like a Jack Johnson song. That's exactly what I was going to say.

This could be playing at a Starbucks. Yeah. You'd hear him be like, huh, got him. If you guys like Starbucks, you guys are going to love this joke.

Hong Kong, apparently, Hong Kong. You guys know Hong Kong? Yeah. Apparently, they banned e-cigarettes. Yeah, that's what China needs. More people living. But that's not Starbucks at all. Well, it's kind of like Starbucks.

You know, you taste Starbucks and you kind of go like, that's coffee. Yeah. That was the it's coffee of jokes. Sure. Sure, man. Well, China has a lot of people to live there. I know how many people there are in China. Too many.

Too many. So the joke is like, what are you guys doing trying to make people live? Yeah. No, I got this. Yeah. That's why we should just start airdropping cigarettes like leaflets in Vietnam. There we go. Yeah.

I agree with that completely. If you're the Chinese government, you should be encouraging. By the way, do you guys know there's a million Muslim concentration camps in China? In public squares, you should only be playing like Neil Young songs, real sad shit, you know? I saw that, yeah. It's crazy, right? What is it that happened? There's a million person concentration camp in China of Muslims.

Whoa. Whoa. No one's talking about it. Yeah. It's such a weird, crazy thing. A million people. Damn Yeah. No one's talking about it. It's such a weird, crazy thing. A million people. Damn. And no one's talking about it.

That's super, yeah, because I saw it on like NBC or some shit. They're turning them into like work camps. A million Muslim people? Yeah, a million Muslim people. So like 300,000 regular people. The conversion on that one is fucking. Yeah, I did see an article about that, and I forgot about it until right now. It tells you how fucking great I am

every year electric cars become more widespread the Muslim per white person value really drops I know it's like the Iraqi Dinar ironically it's just we're down there the Iraqi Dinar boy the good old days my favorite basketball team

the Iraqi Dinar they're playing the Globetrotter theme on a swing. That's not even an Iraq. That's an Indian instrument. I don't fucking know anything. No, we play sitars. Oh, you do? You're not Iraqi. You're Palestinian. I'm Palestinian, but I'm saying any cool... You guys play soccer with your mother's head.

And give it up for the cheerleaders. They pan over to just ten dead women. Have I ever told you guys about Palestinian weddings? I've told you about Palestinian weddings, right?

They're all the gayest thing you'll ever see in your life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's just 15 dudes just dancing and a bunch of chicks pissed off with their arms crossed just seated and watching.

Wednesday nights for the boys. Hey, watch and learn, ladies. You would literally, if you saw a Palestinian wedding, you'd be like, oh, all 15 of these people are making fun of Borat? That's crazy. They're all in on the joke. Our wives. I got invited to an Armenian wedding with this girl I was kind of seeing, but we stopped seeing each other and I couldn't go. Sure.

We actually stopped seeing each other because I couldn't go. And she's like, you're not making this a priority. And I was like, really? I got to do a gig. And no one wants to go to an Armenian wedding more than me. Yeah, absolutely. She's like, the idea that we're treating an Armenian wedding like it's happening in space. It's so far removed from our white sensibility.

Well, I just, I feel like there's, I want to go to anything. If there's a very low chance I'll ever get invited to one again. Yeah. And I don't know what Armenians do at a wedding, but I assume there's some sort of weird ribbon twirling and they serve some sort of bitter cake that everyone has to say a prayer into. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Sure, sure, sure. Eat your aspirin biscuits.

Where you will find this guy's shoes. There would be no doubt somebody sitting next to you would just be just eyebrows. That's it. It would just be two giant eyebrows sitting next to you I got my haircut at a barber where all the chicks were Armenian

and at the end of the haircut she goes you want me to trim my brow that's not something you should just ask yeah you people

have that technology that's what cracked me up is I went yeah alright go for it and she did and I thought

wow this must be like what it's like to go to a black barber shop I got my eyebrows faded faded I went, yeah, all right, go for it. And she did, and I thought, wow, this must be like what it's like to go to a black barbershop. I got my eyebrows faded. I got my eyebrows faded. He carved a Nike swoosh into my eyebrow. I got the three steps in my ear hair.

Guys, well, in local news, hallucinogens were found in a thousand-year-old shamanic pouch. Hey, article, don't talk about Alex Hooper like that. Oh, come on. He's a thousand-year-old shamanic pouch. I can't disagree with that. The son of Lord of the Rings author J.R.R. Tolkien said he was molested as a child by one of his father's friends. When asked for comment, the ghost of C.S. Lewis said, more like the liar, the snitch in the wardrobe.

Oh. C.S. Lewis molested a kid. Well, yeah, well, you were so busy coming up with all your little languages, all right? Yeah. Well, you were learning to speak Elvish alone. Your son was being raped, Tolkien. What's fucking, what's Ent speak for no? I guess one of those R's stands for renegligence.

Alright, guys, I hate to interrupt your rape jokes, but I've got a serious new story to talk about here. The state of Israel has banned the jewel. Yeah. As a Palestinian, I've never felt more violated by the Jewish state. I'll say that right now. I'll turn it a version. I've never heard of a by the Jewish state. I'll say that right now. Alternative version. I've never heard of a Jew saying no to a Jewel. No to a Jewel.

I know. I had that joke. I thought, no, come on, Ramsey. I'm here to pick up the trash. Good times. Good times, buddy. Good times. Damn.

Wow. A rare he guessed the punchline. Moving on. Good times. Good times. Okay, guys. Wow. Now we're down to what I call the garbage section, which you thought it was hits before.

Now, okay. The deepest sea dive in history discovered a plastic bag lower than has ever been reached in the ocean in the Mariana Trench. Now, this is an amazing revelation, especially since usually when you find an old bag in a trench, it just means Keith's mom started drinking again. As soon as I heard trench, I knew where we were going. Well, bag, trench. I love calling her a bag. Bag, trench, hole. I love where we were going. Well bag trench. I love a trench hole.

I love calling her a bag. Slime. Mound. Trash. Viscous. Woman. Never.

I don't think I've ever called her one of those while dipping in my trash patch as well. A man continued using his air pods after swallowing them and pooping them out.

When asked about sound quality he said they sound like shit. Oh God. Come on, man. That would be funny to be just like, All right, I really got to motivate my digestion track to poop these out. Eminem, rap god.

Press play. We did it on purpose. Hello? It's just coming from his gut. Are you on a bus or something? Are you on an ass bus? Technically, you're calling me in a tunnel. All right, let's get to the serious news, guys.

Virginia raises vaping laws, a vaping age to 21, in an act that the vaping community is referring to as steamer suppression. It's racist, you know, when you think about it. If you're old enough to die in Afghanistan, you're old enough to smoke a cake. That's my belief. My grandma's pretty woke for a grandma, but she believes everything on the local news. And she's like, I just found out that these jewels the kids are smoking, one hit is as bad as ten packs of cigarettes. I was like, how math – I'm pretty sure if you took a draw off the tailpipe of an Eddie Bauer expedition, it would be as bad as two cigarettes.

You know what I mean? I read a bus the other day ad that said – and that's where I get all my rating done. It's all bus ads. When Ramsey says article, he means side of a bus. I was reading an article. And by that, I mean the metro. When I call the metro time. When I was avoiding air contact on a train.

I was looking over a homeless guy's shoulder looking at his Obama phone. I read that hookah, one hour of hookah is as bad as a hundred cigarettes. Did you guys know that? That probably explains why everyone in the Middle East looks so bad. I mean, I knew that culturally. I didn't know it went medically as well. Oh, no, I have leathered myself with grape steam. That's why everyone in the Middle East looks like they've served for president once.

Just everyone looks horrible. Oh, guys. Well, sharks as big as small yachts were spotted off the coast of California for the first time in 30 years. You hear that, Yates? There are sharks the size of your yacht off the coast. Shut up, Rick. It's not small. It's a big yacht, and it's very cool.

I love that there are characters in that, and one of them is named Yates. Well, yeah, that's the kind of waspy yacht owning name. No, it's great. You built a little world there. Yeah, you know, I'm trying to, you know, I'm too constrained by joke writing as we think of it as a society. I got to push boundaries. It's the only way I'm comfortable as an innovator. Well, here's me doing the opposite of that. Now let me do another one about your mom falling into a trap. A woman was killed while she was run over on a late night ghost hunting expedition.

So I guess she found him. That's the most hurtful reaction. No, the most hurtful reaction. Don't you like when you tell a joke and it's like kids are watching the math magician? Yeah. Oh. Turn to four and do more. The most hurtful reaction is, very brave.

That was very brave. Wow. Really told me a lot about yourself. Took a lot of heart. You really opened yourself up there. Wow. Thank you for your share. And for this last joke, I actually...

A teacher in community college said that to me one time after I said something, and I was like, I want to punch you with a knife. Thank me for my share. Kill yourself. Parent Advocacy Group calls for closing loopholes that allow vaping companies to market to children. Actually, there really isn't a joke here, guys. I wanted to use this platform as an opportunity to encourage the Mean Boys fans to write their senators. It's very important we keep these loopholes wide open.

Yes. This is incredibly important to me. I didn't have a great high school experience. I really didn't. You know what would have made it a lot better? Yeah, vaping. The cherry flavor one. Absolutely.

Absolutely. What a great way to be cool without hurting anybody. Yeah. And not hurting yourself. It's good for you. Yeah, what did you do? Nicotine prevents Alzheimer's. You made the halls feel like a sauna full of piña coladas?

Like, yeah, that's fine. You want kids to eat more fruits and veggies? Here's your chance. I don't know that you get the caloric benefit of smoking pineapple. Well, according to some science that I'm currently investing in, it's up for debate right now. By investing in Ramsey does mean creating in his mind, as we speak. According to these numbers I just wrote down hastily on the back of a cocktail napkin at the airport bar.

Vaping a cherry is as equally nutritious as eating a cherry. Parentheses Ramsey et al. 2019. You know when someone goes and vapes their cherry, you're just like falling off a bike or something? Jesus Christ. Yeah. According to my head of R&D who also owns a Foster's Freeze in the Central Valley. It seems like this is

worth exploring. The lizard guy from the 7-Eleven. Can I do one of my jokes with an alternate punchline? Yeah, I'd love to. Virginia raises the vaping age to 21. Something, something, something, statutory vape.

There it is. I love the Ikea joke where here's the pieces, y'all put it together. We also joke kits like gunplow marks. You want to laugh, do it yourself. Yeah, it comes with a little thing of glue and then you huff it until it's pretty fun. All right, guys. Well, that was the Mexican joke off. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after this.

The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. And this is going to be a pretty quiet Himalaya advertisement because Mr. Ear is dead. He killed himself because he finally caught up to the right way of thinking, which is that he's bad. Yeah. The world is worse for him in it. He adds nothing.

He's done very little to actually highlight the features and assets that the Himalayan podcasting interface has available to him. He left a note, actually. I don't know if you saw the note. Oh, I didn't. It just says, Dear Mean Boys, I deserve this. Wow. Yeah. Kisses, Mr. Ear.

You know, so it just goes to show you, even the most wretched soul can do one good thing with their life. Yeah. Kisses Mr. Ear. You know, so it just goes to show you, even the most wretched soul can do one good thing with their life. Yeah. Which is end it. That's true. That's like the only good thing Hitler ever did was kill Hitler. Himalaya's a great podcasting app. It's got a playlist function. You know, you remember mixtapes?

Making a mixtape for your favorite gal back in the day? You can make a mixtape for somebody who will definitely not have sex. You won't have time because you'll be listening to so many good podcasts. You can red pill her into thinking that she owes you sex if you just create the perfect playlist. Himalaya, enabling you to gaslight a woman into believing she's a commodity. You start off, Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson. These guys, I don't know if I agree with everything. They've got some interesting ideas.

Next thing you know, you're on Ben Shapiro's The Daily Wire. Yeah. And then, I don't know how much further down it goes, but you'll figure it out. I'm sure Luis Gomez is cooking something up. Yeah. You're creative, you know? You throw some Mean Boys in there for palate cleanser. Yeah.

Speaking of which, you can follow Mean Boys. You can like and comment. You can. And that's what millennials want. We want new outlets for posting. We want places to get into arguments about things that don't matter so we don't have to think about the fact that we're not going to be able to live where we are in 20 years because it'll be underwater.

Avoid the crushing weight of oblivion by saying, keep up the fudge, Lorden. Yeah. It's not going to make you have a future or health insurance or a job that means anything to you, but it will be fun when your comment gets more likes than someone else's. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss mystery. This is better. This is how you sell apps. This is like Nietzsche doing an ad read.

I'm really tired. Yeah. What else does it do? There's a tip jar. Yeah. You can tip your favorite podcast people directly with money. Yeah, you know, so then you can feel good about supporting the arts. There you go.

Yeah, and you'd be a patron of the arts. You didn't even, it's probably hooked up to your Apple Pay. You stupid dick. It's not even that hard. Yeah. Yeah, it's quick, loads easy. Yeah. All your favorite shows are already on it.

It's right there on your screen. And the best part of all is Mr. Ear is dead. Yeah, Mr. Ear is dead irreversibly.versibly yep this is canon he'll never be back yeah i'm i'm can i be honest with you i fucking hate it does it's not funny it's anti-funny no i know yeah it's horrible the bit has gone full circle with mr ear from like it was funny how unfunny it was now it's genuinely just the worst part of my week and tom gets so upset when when I say, do we have to do Mr. Ear? And he's like, but all the Mr. Ear fans. And here's the problem.

They're there. We just sent out Mr. Ear merchandise, for Christ's sake. No, there are Mr. Ear fans. And it makes me hate you people. And it's really been destroying my life. Mr. Ear is at the crucible of a lot of different bad things. Yeah. And if he could just go.

And here's the fucked up part is now I miss him because now I just have to talk about this app. Yeah. Which is great. Which is great. They're a great app that sponsors this show. You can tell me how long this ad is. Himalaya. All right.

The Mean Boys podcast is back. Isaac Hirsch has entered the trap. Hello. He's wearing a shirt which I said should be sized women's small tall. Because it fits him perfectly. Yeah, they're just so surprised to see a shirt that actually fits my dimensions. I don't think they really know what size it could possibly be. Because it usually looks like you've tracked down some sort of Tommy Bahama Subaru cover.

You've been cursed by the gypsy from Thinner. Yeah. What's your pants size again? We're talking about your jean game because Isaac, it's tough for him to find some skinny jeans but some fitted jeans that the boys are wearing these days because your jean size is what? It's 27 by 34.

27 by 34? Yeah, they don't... You can only shop for pants at a Tim Burton. You can only shop at the AIDS rodeo store. It's weird because you think they'd be like thin fit because they know I'm thin by the size. But instead, I guess they're just sort of like, well, no one's actually this size. So they make them like a regular fit. The 27 by 34 crowd is real big fans of Chingy.

You know, they like to sag. They like that look. They only make JNCO jeans in 27-34 for some reason. Man, it really warms my heart when different eras of the house get together. You got any questions about

the state of affairs? We're going to do now is not the time, it's just a second. Yeah, you know, I always got questions. What's the general bedtime around the house these days? I feel like. Oh, man, way after Spenny. Spenny wakes up at 5 in the morning. Yeah.

But a lot of like, oh, you guys are still playing Madden at 1, huh? I'm like, oh, we're bad roommates. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. That's so funny because I see that's where... And you, God bless you, are a heavy sleeper. You complained about the noise maybe three, four times in the whole time we lived here.

I'm a heavy sleeper, and I also sleep with earbuds in my... I just became adapted to it. You fall asleep listening to podcasts about Saddam. Yeah, absolutely. I fall asleep listening to Christopher Hitchens' debates. It's all this weird nihilist ASMR that Ramsey, I'd just be like, yeah, these are court proceedings where the child molester

walked, and he is like a baby. Ramsey, what are you doing? I'm trying to lucid dream about the fall of Iraq. I want to be the one who pulls the statue down and steals the mustache. I'm going to mount it to the front of my car like I texted putting horns on a Cadillac.

Ramsey would absolutely get into lucid dreaming as a form of coup role playing. You know? He'd be like, I'm just trying to take the role of one of the parliament members. I want to see what happens when they get shot out back when he assumes control. I want to be both the shooter and the shooty at one point in that coup. Oh, yeah. You know, both sides of it. Like when you do a playthrough as the bad guy and the good guy in the video game. Before we get into that, have we talked about fucking Isaac's new ad gig that he got?

The one with your phone lock screen right now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we should get into this. It is my lock screen. I would like the Mean Boys listeners to take the Isaac challenge. I'll be tweeting a photo. Isaac, why don't you take us away here? Yeah, so many...

Before I had a real job i got a real job like seven months ago but before that i was just an extra and one day i was an extra on a facebook commercial and at the beginning of the day out of the hundreds of extras they picked like five of us to like be close-up shots basically and they're like we just want to it's people at a pride parade that was the idea it was like a fake pride parade they had a they staged an entire fake pride parade just for Facebook. If you ask me, they're all fake. Gays are false flags.

They took me, a woman with rainbow makeup, a trans woman, a black guy, and some other lady. All the weirdos. They are the gay avenger. The whole LGBT spectrum and a black guy. That's what the B stands for. The vaginas. Lesbian, gay, black, that one. And so they took individual shots of all of us.

Didn't pay us any extra money, which I believe they are supposed to do. Yeah, featured extra. 100%. Yeah, they just didn't do that. Anyway, they used my shot for some reason. They decided I looked the gayest out of all of them. You do have what can best be described as a wispy bone structure. Yeah, they just didn't do that. Anyway, they used my shot for some reason. They decided I looked the gayest out of all of them. And you do have what can best be described as a wispy bone structure. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, but I'm also wearing like a Trader Joe's Hawaiian shirt and a varsity jacket, which is just not an ensemble a gay man would ever come out with. Isaac doesn't look gay, but he does look like he sends food back at restaurants, which is close. That's right there. What do we go, swish, swish, swish? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I send food back at restaurants because I is close. That's right where he walks in. Where do we go? Swish, swish, swish. I send food back at restaurants because I can't eat it all. I just go like, give the rest of this to the waiter.

What if we have something smaller? What if we have a kid's menu? What if we have a baby bird menu? The waiter chews it and spits it in his mouth. What would you serve a parakeet if they came to this Olive Garden? I never laughed so hard in my life when I saw you pull a food product out of the microwave called a Hungry Man Handful. That's what I call my love handles.

Hungry Man Handful, baby. So has Isaac then assumed my role of eating the way an impoverished person eats? Oh, yeah. Ramsay would just make these weird post-apocalyptic poverty burritos where he'd crack an egg. There'd just be an onion with the skin on, and he'd just hit it with a hammer, put it in a tortilla, and chew it without tasting it. You know what I mean? It's called the Palestinian goulash.

It was like fucking lizard tails that I found around the property. Yeah, rocks make you strong. Something's eyeball. A guava someone stepped on some some twine for texture well i'm not a hungry man so i'm actually a big fan of like any frozen meal you can find at the dollar store which is where i got that hungry man handful which wasn't bad by the way it was like we were dunking on it but i also was like i would eat that oh for sure and they also they got the michelinas you guys ever had had Michelinas? Michelina is really the height of poverty.

She sells low-end car insurance out in Riverside, right? Michelinas and Seguranza. She's all in big tits and a giant raven in front. Yeah. She also makes awful Alfredo. That's her two things, fettuccine Alfredo and insurance. Those are her two games. That's a hilarious place to be in life is those insurance companies where it's like,

come check out this insurance. This chick has huge tests. You guys have heard about my car when I totaled the PT Cruiser? Alright, so I'm on the 101. My red PT Cruiser gets totaled by a blue PT Cruiser. And what must have looked like Jimmy Buffett gang violence. I was going to go

stepdad Tron. And the guy that hits me gets out of his pt cruiser it's pouring rain he is wearing jeans uh like an isaac shirt and black dress socks that's it no shoes oh shit and i'm like no shoes this guy definitely doesn't have insurance yeah right you would think no shoes no insurance big problem i feel like if you're prioritizing car, drivership, number one, insurance. Yeah. Number two, shoes.

Yeah. Flip flops. Anyway. The bare minimum. He has insurance. He hands me his proof of insurance. Attached to the proof of insurance are coupons for that insurance company. In case, I guess they assume if you are being insured with us, you're a horrible driver,

you'll get into a lot of accidents, it'll advertise itself, you know? You're probably driving around Hawthorne hitting a bunch of other uninsured immigrants. Let's do a little grassroots marketing, baby. Yeah, this P.T. Cruz is a loss leader. Yeah, he hit me, and then a pregnant woman hit him, and then these two annoying girls hit them. And then a wheelchair crashed into all of them. I know, it was a huge pileup. Tragedy bowling.

But it was all that guy's fault. And I'm just like, that is the most money that coupon fucking insurance company ever had to pay out. Something about the insurance company feels like they need a mascot. And I can't think of an industry that needs a mascot less than the insurance company. Like there's the lizard. Yeah. Nothing less trustworthy than a lizard. A lizard?

We're biologically programmed to not trust them. The dancing crow is the lizard. Yeah, nothing less trustworthy than a lizard. A lizard? We're biologically programmed to not trust them. The dancing crow is the one. Yeah, my favorite. Have you ever been by the one with the... That's no way to talk about the Allstate guy. Have you ever seen the guy

in the dancing crow outfit? Yes, yes, yes. The one where he's wearing a sombrero? Yeah, it's racist in nine different ways. Well, they get a huge Jewish population that go into that insurance company. I'm sure. I remember I was asleep on a bus one time, and I woke up, and I just look out the window,

and there is a six-foot-tall dancing crow just going, and I head up against the window. I'm like, oh, I went to hell. And then as Keith looks around, he sees me reading. See, I had the idea that it was a nightmare. I look around and everyone on the bus is also that crow. I go with the general.

The general is my insurer. Oh, yeah, the general and now Shaq. And Shaq. The general and Shaq, the dynamic duo. And he's got the penguin. He's the only mascot with his own mascot. He's got the penguin, too. General's a pimp, dude.

I like this guy. I'm fucking this penguin. He's also the big-tinted insuranceimp, dude. I like this guy. I'm fucking this penguin. He's also the big-titted insurance lady as well. She's just like on his dime now. Yeah, dude. I love it. We should make a point where the general fucks Adriana. He gets in a car crash and it's like, this is going to mean a lot of money for you, Adriana.

And she's like, we make $38 a year. I don't know. Most of our money is tied up in big titty billboards. Well, you can make it square. I know one way. Zip. Yeah. Open your mouth and take some cum call.

1-800-RAL-GENERALS-BUM. 1-800-RAL. 1-800-RAL. I was trying to go quick. It fell apart. I got it, yeah. What if Flo's in the background getting eaten up by the Geico? The pet was jerking off. It was a little flipper. No, the fucking lizard crawls What if Flo's in the background getting eaten up by the Geico? The pet was jerking off.

It was a little flipper. No, the fucking lizard crawls out of Flo's pussy. We have watched Flo and the Allstate guy before. You and I have watched that in the car. Oh, yeah. Oh, is that a real picture? Yeah, while I was busy driving, ironically. Yeah.

And what? It's like Flo's husband in the background jerking off or something. Flo's husband. Yeah. Flo's husband. What's her name? Dude, I've Googled progressive lady porn fakes

so many times. That's so funny. It's just the funniest thing that I know exists on the internet. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, she's fucking, she's cute.

What an amazing game. You never think booking a commercial like, oh, they're going to do porn parody of me. I'd smash and they'd cover all the damages. It's great company

and great sex. Yeah. Do we know what I'm doing now? It's not the time? Let's do it It's time guys The long last And Isaac feel free to jump in here at any point

Can somebody from the Mean Boys universe give me a theme song? Who's your theme song? Andrew Hillary Oh yeah Andrew Hillary I'll be out of here Okay that'd be fun Yeah I'll send him a message actually

Cool After we're done recording this Buying some panties Or fucking a dog Or something something something, something. Committing fraud. I was banned from Venmo for wire fraud. So if he can wire that in there.

Have you told that story on the show about when you hustled Venmo for 400 bucks? I may have. For those of you who don't know the story, I'll give you the Clip Notes version. And you can read the full version on my blog, RamseyBedawiHustles.com. Backslash the general. of the story, I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. And you can read the full version on my blog, ramsaybadawihustles.com. Backslash the general. I do a newsletter called the Raw Dog Weekly. You can check it out.

What I did was I sent somebody a Venmo for $400 and then as soon as I sent them the Venmo, they accepted it. By the way, the memo line was lizard down payment. All sent them the Venmo, they accepted it. By the way, the memo line was lizard down payment. All they do with Venmo when you send money is they immediately send a test transaction

to see can you cover that. But the actual transaction takes usually two to three days to go through. So I withdrew the 400 bucks and when the money got sent over basically, when they tried to come back for their money, there was nothing in the account. So I basically took $400 from Venmo because the person I paid kept their money as well.

Yeah, so everybody got their $400. So everybody got their $400. Except for Venmo. And Connor was like, you're never going to use Venmo again. And I said, I named my price. I'm a PayPal man. $400 and I'm out of the Venmo game forever. Would you not make that deal?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I threw everyone so much more for so much less Would you not make that deal with the Zuckerberg, as I like to say? I can never bank with Chase again Because they gave me a credit card and I bought a guitar And then threw the credit card away They just leave you alone after a while, right? Oh yeah, and I fell off I got a new credit card now

Dude, what a great country God bless America, man Hey, before I go any further I do want to talk about something that happened to me We got a new credit card now. Dude, what a great country. God bless America, man. What a great country. Hey, before I go any further, I do want to talk about something that happened to me. I got a – I had a – Flip that up a little bit. I had an Instagram post that was deleted by Facebook because apparently it violated community standards, which is insane because you've been on Facebook or you've been on Instagram before. There's horrifying things. This is on violence or threat of violence.

Yeah. That's why they removed it. And I looked through it. It's like, dude, you can go to Instagram and you'll find awful things. And this is on violence or threat of violence. Yeah, that's why they removed it. And I looked through it. It's like, dude, you can go to Instagram and you'll find awful things. Gay bashing, ISIS beheadings, whatever Andrew Schultz is doing right now. There's terrifying things happening on Instagram. They deleted it.

Right? So I thought, okay, well, I want to see if there's worse things on Instagram than my video. Because my video was a joke about Trump or something. Right. So the first thing I did was I just searched fuck off Muslims. And I found a hashtag that was trending on Instagram where I saw wonderful posts like this one.

Check out this right here. Keith, read that post for me. Why does Islam need blasphemy laws? Just to stop you telling others the facts that Muhammad was a pedophile. Muhammad was a mass murderer. Muhammad was a child rapist. Muhammad was a liar. Muhammad was a slave trader.

Muhammad was a warmonger. Muhammad was a looter. He was a picker. He was a printer. He was a child fucker. Muhammad was a sex pervert. And Muhammad was brutal and an egoistic person. I sure do want to build some bombs.

I do want to point out that they're kind of pedophile child rapist and sex pervert. Well, child rapist just means you're in the fencing program at your middle school. I like the weird order they go in. They're like, pedophile, mass murderer, child rapist, liar. Liar.

You can be like, look, that dude fucked a lot of kids, but he was always on front of the street. Above slave trader. Yeah, and then slave trader comes after. It's like, be like, look, that dude fucked a lot of kids, but he was always on front of the street. Above Slave Trader. And then Slave Trader comes after. It's like, where do you rank lies? I've told a few lies. You're telling me I'm worse than fucking... It's such a weird Instagram post, and at first I was offended until I found out

it was actually just an advertisement for Netflix's new season of Thickness. Dude, look at this. I searched hashtag kill Hillary. Okay. Four posts. There's two posts with kill Hillary 2016. Keeping the dream alive.

There's one post that says kill Hillary Clinton. Here's the thing all these posts have in common. They all misspelled Hillary. They all are missing one of the fucking L's. Can you believe this is a post? My joke about why no one will ever shoot Trump was deleted, but this is a post that somebody put up. Keith, read that.

It's a meme. It's a picture of a little girl. It's the meme of the little girl standing in front of a burning house smiling, and it says, saw Hillary sign in neighbor's yard. Problem solved. My favorite thing about this post, the reason why I thought it was great, was the chick, she wrote as a comment underneath it, she wrote I'm in love with this

little girl. And then she wrote like Hillary for jail 2016, all that fun stuff. Who wrote that they were in love with this little girl? Oh no, Muhammad! I love that she thinks that this little girl is like she took the picture for this meme. Tell me a favor by the way, when you make the video for this, make sure you include a lot of pictures of Muhammad.

I do love when an old person thinks they've seen a meme for the first time. And they're like, wow, this fat kid is really accomplished with his sandcastle. I hope she sees one of the Gene Wilder memes and she goes, wow, oh my god. I had no idea that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was so smart. All right. that was it. Do you guys want to talk about some current events going on? Yeah, man. Of course I want to be incriminated by your selection of news.

You know how I'm at the current events. Did you guys hear about Louis C.K. coming back to Acme? Yeah. No, no one has talked about Louis C.K. doing stand-up at all in the comedy world. I actually didn't hear about him coming. Oh, no, he had that email that went out. Yeah, he sent out the email. He's coming out to Acme.

By the way, I thought the one he did about John Kasich was funnier, but that was just me. Yeah, that's right. I thought that one was a little punchier. There's this brain enthusiast tweeted out. Neuron MN. So that's Neuron Minnesota. You know what's so funny?

My brain literally... Talk about an oxymoron. I had like a seizure reading her Twitter handle. Yeah. But she tweeted, oh my God, she tweeted,

Louis CK's in town, can't wait. And then she got a series of just chicks being like, ew, you're fucked up. Like, you're good, keep him there. You know,

fucking Minneapolis can have Louis CK. But my favorite response was one guy on the bottom who wrote, you going by yourself, pal? Shoot your shot, Felix. I love it. Shoot your fucking shot. Felix Klosterman.

Picture of him with his girlfriend. I think it's him with his dad. He's the younger guy. Oh, I thought he was with a lady. I guess I did, yeah. How would you describe this, man? Chuck Klosterman's brother

kind of sucks. Yeah, this looks like the wiener in an REI catalog. Yeah, exactly. He looks like... He's posing on top of a cliff with the presumption being that he hiked there

on account of the helmet and all, but I feel like he was just dropped there by an airplane to take that photo and be like, I achieved a thing with my weird fucking business casual Santa Claus dad. I think it's the Cliffs of Moher. I've actually been there. And. Take a photo and be like, I achieved a thing with my weird fucking business casual Santa Claus dad.

I think it's the Cliffs of Moher. I've actually been there. And you don't really have to hike, so... It looks like his dad carried him up. He does look like his main mode of transportation

is ziplining. Like, he embodies what I think Denver is. I've never been to Denver, but I think this is what Denver looks like. This guy only owns cargo shorts. I do share a wall

with a Denver guy, and yeah, similar vibes vibes you gotta love a guy who uses this opportunity of louis ck's comeback as to try to get some that's good stuff right there i mean that's that's making that's making fucking lemonade man i like the idea of this guy like just sliding in at every single inopportune tweet he can like this chick like chick tweeted out, going to volunteer today at the homeless shelter. And he jumps in, you going by yourself, pal? Man, who made a worse decision going back to Acme? Louis C.K. or Wiley Kiley? He's had very little luck with their products over the years.

I love the confidence. Because what if she's like, no, would you like to come? He lives in Los Angeles. Is he going to fly to Minnesota? You saw that? He lives in Los Angeles. He responded from across the country. Oh, my God.

I get the allure. I've been thirsty. I've never been fucking Southwest flight thirsty. You know what I mean? If you see a chick... I've never driven more than 90 minutes to have sex.

Right. But here's the thing, though, man. I get the allure. If you see a woman in 2019 and she wants to get tickets to Louis, that is a forgiving woman. You want that woman.

She ain't gonna be mad you didn't take the trash out. There's nothing... If you see that woman, it is Ramsey in disguise. Who is going to play... My girlfriend was out of town this weekend.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I did watch a Louis C.K. special. I'm like, look, I know it's bad, but hilarious... I mean, Chewed Up is really good. You can't... Ramsey has a perfect balance of doing things did watch a Louis C.K. special. I'm like, look, I know it's bad, but Chewed Up is really good. You can't. It has a perfect balance of doing things that'll be funny to tell people later that you'll also actually enjoy.

It's like, I know that part of the reason is you wanted to say you did that while she was out of town, but you also was like, I haven't seen that fucking set-up-on bit in a while. It's good, dude. It's a good time.

The one thing that I, I read this, there was a response to that Acme tweet. Actually, it was Maria Bamford's tweet against Acme. This person wrote, he didn't do anything wrong. Big difference between Harvey Weinstein and Louis C.K. Let's not ruin hashtag me too. And then, you know, a fucking series of other bullshit.

The thing I couldn't stand about this guy was his name was Winter Storm Anus. Winter Storm Anus was actually the original name of Hashtag Me Too. It didn't have quite the viral marketability. That's actually Mark Twain's real name, not his nom de plume. Winter Storm Anus. You can't say anything with that

ridiculous, you can't say anything serious with that ridiculous of a name. I won't fucking listen to you. It's partially the same reason why i've never listened to wolf blitzer i got shut up that just sounds like something i would call my dnd character because i thought it was cool you know wolf blitzer the mightiest paladin in the realm what's your scene here not knowing what a word is it sounds like an eighth grade iron maiden cover band i don't wolf blitzer i don't listen to wolf blitzer because he finished with negative 5800 dollars It sounds like an eighth grade Iron Maiden cover band. Wolf Blitzer. I don't listen to Wolf Blitzer because he finished with negative $5,800 on Jeopardy.

Did he really? Yeah, he lost real bad on celebrity. It's really funny. He just buzzes in and says so many wrong things. I've always thought it was really funny if there was a person who was like $43,000 in debt and they got that way by losing at Jeopardy. Your bag just shows up like, oh, you made a deal. You made a deal?

That's my movie, actually. I hope you got that life insurance I sell, bitch. Yeah, he's like, I'll get you next week. He goes, ah, ah, ah. In his house. Man, speaking of Twitter beef. I'm going to the judges and, oh, I'm sorry, next week isn't acceptable. I've never seen Luis Gomez, who just did a cartoon of him beheading Lindy West,

get in more trouble than when he spoiled Game of Thrones I've never that really shows you where the internet's allegiances lie he made a

Lord Varys Robert Kelly tweet and was beheaded by the comments you piece of shit yeah did you guys see you guys saw the email where Luis sent out

where he doesn't consent to you sharing yeah yeah who wants to do the joke who wants you to do it I guess he didn't I guess you sharing. Yeah. Who wants to do the joke? Who wants you to do it? I guess he's got no problem sharing his genetic material. I guess his iPhone is in front of the door.

You've got to get consent for that, but you've got to get the kids to do it. I like this. I'm sorry, I caught joke apnea. This is the new segment where I just want all of you to do the joke. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, yeah.

A real obvious headline that's just like, who can sink the lowest, you know? We call this bit the Dancing Eidos 2019. It's called Fear Factor for Hack. Fear Hacker. Hack is not a factor for you. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. So,

for anybody listening who isn't on board, basically he's like, he sent an email that was like, hey, if you come to these shows, it's illegal for you to tweet about what you saw or record any of it or anything. Yeah, exactly. Hardcore, like you can't tell anybody about the material. Yeah, and I don't know, man. There's been a big outpouring of people being upset. One of the things that I'm starting to get really annoyed by is when people say he's not funny.

There's this chick who wrote, her name's Taylor Ortega, she wrote, dang, Louis C.K. will write anything but an actual joke. What? Which is a ridiculous sentiment to have. I'm so tired of all these people being like, Louis C.K. was never funny.

You could say whatever you want about Louis, but he was funny. Of course. To me, it's the same thing as when people say those hijackers were cowards. Oh, God. Here's a guy, Junior Roach, he tweeted on September 8th, 2013,

you know, those hijackers were evil cowards in my mind. Really a weird time to come up with this opinion. Oh, yeah. Almost a decade after the fact. Well, it's the same kind of people that don't want you to refill your plastic water bottle will say shit like this. And I'm like, oh, they're cowards.

Yeah. Hold on. I'm being sub-tweeted here. I told Connor not to refill his plastic water bottle. This is a beef I've had for a long time. Your only God is fear, and you will die a thousand deaths. All right? Do not give yourself to fear.

I'm just saying, say what you will about the hijackers, but these guys were hilarious. There's no question about it. They were hilarious. There's no question about these guys. They were funny. No coward would dare have such feminine eyebrows and try to take control of a plane. I know, this guy does look like he's in a Marilyn Manson video. Women drivers, am I right? Looks like he's wearing eye shadow.

Everything he did was hilarious. Go on. They took a class to take off, but they didn't learn to land. That's a funny thing. They got us to invade Iraq. Pretty funny. Hilarious. Good bits.

Jamie Kennedy has been trying for years. Just the statue falling over. X. The night before, did you guys know that the night before they- They went bowling. They went to strip clubs. Oh, yeah. They went ham.

And they went ham, which makes me think that there is probably one stripper who knew about 9-11 the night before. Just like grinding. Just like, oh, sure. You're going to blow up them mountains. She's like, honey, as soon as I get home, I'm going to call the CIA. And she sleeps in. She's drunk.

She wakes up at 10.03. Uh-oh. To take airplane to tower. Uh-huh. Yeah. Take it. Yeah. I'm feeling that tower. Uh-huh. Yeah. Take it. Yeah. I'm feeling that tower.

She thinks she's talking an innuendo. It's like, that's going to be $100 extra. I'm sorry, buddy. All right, guys. That's where Now's Not the Time ends this week. I didn't want to go overboard. No, that was perfect. I hope you guys had a good time.

Now's Not the Time coming back for a monthly live show. We are in the process of narrowing down one of three dates. So once we have that, we'll hit you guys up. Go ahead and hold September 11th, 2009. That one's going to be tough. September 11th, 2021.

It books out far in advance. It's like New Year's. It's tough to get a reservation. And 9-11, 29-11. If you're a Mean Boys fan, go to the Now Is Not The Time Twitter page and subscribe to the Raw Dog Weekly, and we'll hit you when the date is. Is the Raw Dog Weekly real? It's the pinned tweet. The Raw Dog Weekly is a real newsletter. Why am I not on there?

I got to get. Well, it's only for the top 1%, but we'll get into that at another time. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back. You forget. If you don't fuck for like a year, you forget that at another time. All right. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Dude, you forget. If you don't fuck for like a year, you forget that pussy's okay. Yeah. And we're back. Isaac, go on.

You know, I just hadn't had sex for like a year and a half. Look, I like having sex. You know, I love my girlfriend. Yeah. But like when you're... I'm 19, just like you. I like having sex is in the vein of, you know how when Turkey has to deny a Holocaust

and it's like... You're on the wrong side of an issue if you have to start with I'm a fan of sex, but... I think fucking is top notch. I think there's plenty of Arminians. That's all I'm saying. When you don't have sex for like a year, you're just like, God, it's so good. I miss it so much.

And then you have it. You're like, oh, it's good. But it's certainly not like you're not ruining your life by not having sex. I feel the same way every time I go to Raising Cane's Chicken. Oh, yeah, that's a fact. We spend the whole time between going being like, man, that's the best. I wish I could have it every day. And you get there and you're like, it's pretty good.

The sauce is good. Five guys has got the same shit going on, too. Yeah. It's fine. I don't know. I mean, I'd take Raising Cane's over pussy, to be honest with you. I cum when I eat Raising Cane's. The sauce is better from Raising Cane's than from a pussy.

Have you guys had Cookout? Do you guys, are you familiar with Cookout? It's only in the American Southeast, so if you ever head that way, best fast food chain in the country. So South American Southeast as well, or just American? No, just the American Southeast. South American. Yeah, it's not in Chile.

Hanging out with Mengele. No, look, you're going to have to go through the canal. Just for the listeners at home, they are not going to get this in the Central American Southeast. No, it's cookout. Basically, the way it works is you go there, they have a deal where it's like, maybe the price has changed, but it's five bucks for like, you get an entree, two sides, and a drink for five bucks.

And the sides are not sides. They're entrees. Like they're like a side is a corn dog. It can be like a chicken quesadilla. A corn dog is not a side dish. Whoa. Wow. If Keith says it's not a side dish, it's not a side dish.

Like the entree is like a burger or a barbecue pork sandwich or something like that. But then the sides are also entrees, and it's all five bucks. And if you add a dollar, you get a milkshake. And the milkshakes are fantastic. They have like 40 flavors of milkshakes. It's an incredible deal. The food's really good. I'm sure you have listeners in the southeast who are like –

Isaac can go there once, and it's like the grocery store for the whole week. I'll be eating this corn dog for a fortnight. I hibernate after eating there. What's it like to never think about carbs? What's that like? I mean... I think about carbs so much. This is why the Gas Digital subscribers

will never respect us. Because we're out here like, I just want them so bad. I just love my crunchy, sweet, crumbly... Give me a tortilla, daddy. I mean, look, I would trade off being able to gain weight for having to worry about carbs. I'll say that.

You say that now. No, look, I'm so sick of getting pushed around by wind and fucking assholes playing basketball. I'm sick of getting pushed around in that Charles Atlas workout commercial from an old Superman comic that I live in. I know. I went to play pickup basketball with Isaac. I've gone the last two weeks and subsequently retired but there's a guy playing. Isaac, why don't you tell us

because you fucking, you texted me about this guy This guy, I've been thinking about this man non-stop for two days. The way you like have like. And he was a cock smoker. He was a piece of shit. You know how you have like imaginary arguments in your head with like a fictional I've just been arguing with this man

and like I find myself just muttering to myself no fuck you in the break room at work. Oh yeah. It was just this punchable faced little twerp. You know.

He basically he set it up so that I would have to guard him. He had his shorts matched his shirt. Oh yeah. He had the swishy shorts

and the swishy shirts for his basketball little pretend time. Yeah. He's like 5'7". He's muscular. He's like clearly well built. Five panel hat, but it was like waterproof.

Oh, fuck. Let me tell you about ginger beard. There's something great about short guy buff. Oh, yeah. Okay, fine. But look, anyway, Ramsey briefly was getting buff like a quote 1920 strongman. He did look awesome. There was a walk outside to this hulked out monkey, jade smoking,

and talk about podcasts you wanted to start, and it was hilarious. There was no question. There was a little while in this house where I was built like Danny Bonaduce. You were, man. You were duched out, bro. I literally was walking around

with just like a buff chest and chest hair all over the place. You'd just be eating like raw flap steak with energy drinks. Just spraying Axe onto myself. Yeah. It is easier for short guys to get buff. They pack on muscle way quicker.

I don't know why that is. To fill up my arm, it's so long. It just doesn't happen. Yeah, we'd do half a buffalo worth of muscle mass. Yeah. Anyway, this dude basically set it up so that I would have to guard him because we started with the ball. So he immediately was like, I want to guard him i'm like why you're you're clearly like the best

guy on your team probably i have no idea why you're like setting it up so that we have to match up and then you want to look good guarding the clearly no offense the weakest guy yeah obviously no there's no i've none taken also he didn't guard me i scored like seven points because he's like i'll give him that every time i was like standing open on the three-point line and like i have a skill i'm not i don't play basketball because i'm terrible at everything and he said the same thing making his 2k character we have made a 2k team based on the couch he said i'm gonna give myself my one skill which is i could hit open shots occasionally but anyway this dude on defense so i'd be guarding him and he'd like call a foul on me on every possession but

also like he'd start every possession by just elbowing me in the chest over and over again this guy was a bully he was a piece of shit. He was hitting me and then calling fouls on me. At one point, he's like, stop wrapping up my arms. I'm like, I'm not wrapping up. You weren't doing anything. I was really trying not to foul the man because he wanted to fight. Literally right after that, I'm standing

back to him and he just shoves me from behind really hard. He knocks me to the ground. He hits me on my ass. He says I slap him in the face at one point when I clearly do not slap him in the face. He, like, knocks me to the ground. He hits me on my ass. Like, he says I slap him in the face at one point when I clearly do not slap him in the face. Well, yeah, and he would run into you, and he would get winded trying to do, like, white guy Allen Iverson shit.

And then he would run into Isaac. Isaac would be thrown 30 feet in the other direction, and then he would, with his breathy, fucking bitchy little voice, just go, foul! That's foul! And then he'd try to fight me yeah i just i can't stop thinking about this fucking guy i want to i dude i i got i got hustled by a 12 year old i was

really good at laser tag and i have dreams about him to this day i want to curb stomp his little shitty face i keep i keep fighting him in my mind and losing i'm not even winning in the imaginary fights but like i still i'm just so mad i want to whenever i have an imaginary fight with someone in my mind that always happens happens at Echo Park Lake. I don't know why. So I can throw him in the lake when I'm done. It's a good one. It's in a good view.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You could stare at people having a romantic evening after you've got blood on your hands. Yeah. You know, poor people on a date. Yeah. Just like a couple of swan boats going around a corpse in a lake. Blood washes in.

I do want to hire this guy to work for me, though. This is the kind of guy... This is the muscle you need. This is the muscle you need. His name is Ben. Just go to the park on Saturday at 11 a.m., and you will find him. And I'm telling you right now,

you're, Isaac, you're what I'm going to call patient zero for Rock Bard, the energy drink. Oh, Ramsey's making an energy drink. Yeah, I'm making an energy drink that will heighten... You've never had an energy drink before, right? I've never drank one before in my life. Okay, would you be willing to try your first ever energy

drink? Would you be willing for it to be Rock Bard? Who produced this chemically? Is it you? Nobody yet. Well, hypothetically... It will be Ramsey. Hypothetically, someone produced it. Okay. Yeah. You're being real slippery on answers here, fella. Did you produce it by lactating?

How is this drink made? You can go to Amazon, and you can purchase any of your standard energy drink ingredients off of Amazon. Oh, God. You know, batteries. Yeah. Would you be willing to try? Eagle talons. If you drink it first and don't die, yes.

Okay, cool. You also got to understand, this is a man who drinks $25 store energy drinks a week. Well, I've been doing pretty okay lately, so I do rock stars. I don't go up to the dollar store anymore. I'm not impoverished. I will say I had a cappuccino this morning and it fucked up my entire day. I really don't like caffeine. Wow.

What happened? I just don't like caffeine. Wow. What happened? I just don't drink coffee ever. So I was just, you know, shitting all over the place. And I crashed like two hours later. Wow. That's what you get for drinking a European drink. Yeah. You wouldn't get that from the smooth American push of a rock star energy drink.

Oh, dude, that would be a great. Their slogan. It's a motorcycle in a can. Get yourself some sturdy American blood lightning. I'm going to just... Yeah, you want to feel like there are dirt bikes in your veins? I'm going to reach out to the R&D team, a.k.a. me, tonight and see if I can figure out a way that we can make our energy drink be the first caffeine source that promises not to make you shit.

Ooh. That would be some sort of like... It does that by having a strong base of nacho cheese. A strong base of... It's Pepto-Bismol. It's a little Dimetop. All right. Yeah, we need an anti-laxative to offset the Viagra.

Literally, it's just caulk that flows down to your asshole and stops it up. I'm looking here at ingredients. It says amodiumized ginseng. Now, is that what you're doing this with? Is it just amodium and ginseng. Now, is that what you're doing this with? Is it just emodium and ginseng? Did you make up this chemical hybrid? I put them in the bottle at the same time. You got to shake it up.

There's going to be chunks in it. It's going to have the consistency of like a fucking like a raw juice or something. It's just going to be pulpy and grainy. It's not the only energy drink with pulp. I see under ingredients. Not true. Monster juice. Oh, yeah.

I see under ingredients you've listed CVS brand Pepto Bismol. It's not even brand name. Fuck yeah. All right, guys. We're doing the Mean Boys mailbag. Lucky Zero wants to know, what's the most hurtful comment you've received after a show or favorite intro to the stage? Hmm.

Most hurtful comment. One time I made a joke about quitting comedy while I was at Jokers in Richland and this old woman came up to me and gave me 20 bucks and said, keep going. Oh.

I got a great story. I got a great one. I was in San Francisco doing the Neck of the Woods show with the Too Funny crew or whatever. There's like a lot. There's like a... there's like a i know you're talking about i have a little comedy brand up there it's like laugh here first motherfucker comedy productions or something but um

the host the host of the show his name is neck of the woods his name is Dirty Mike. He brings me up on stage and he sets me up. The crowd is full. And he goes, this next motherfucker, he from the place we all hate. This fool's from LA. Boo this fool! Boo him!

Whole crowd boos me. I go up. I have a pretty good set despite all of that. And when he comes up after I get off stage, he goes, man, that motherfucker. He didn't say motherfucker. He actually said the N-word. He said, man, this N-word ain't from LA. This N-word is from Iraq.

Which is wrong in like five different directions. It just was so wrong in so many times. But God damn it, Dirty Mike. He did me clean, dude. I did a show one time with Marcella Arguello. If you're listening and you're not familiar, just picture Big Bird if she would cut you on the streets of fucking Harlem. That's Marcella Arguello.

Very funny comic. But I did some bit about being on the road and being in Fresno. And she goes up and she's doing her set and miller says she goes can care still here and i'm like yeah and she goes fresno ain't the road and we're dunked and then proceeded to finish your set and i was like i'll take it one time i did a college gig and they read my whole like 2013 comedy bio before they brought me on stage. Connor McSpadden's a favorite of the Ontario improv.

Oh God. It makes audiences laugh with his off the cuff charm which is all this horrible shit I wrote like five years ago. Have I told the story

of the Bobby Kern intro on the show before? Bobby Kern. I don't know. Okay so there was this guy named Andy Kern who used to be like a comic in the.

Oh yeah. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah. Just a dumb shit like open mic deal like too old for it kind of sad but he had this brother who used to book like cas comic Oh yeah he's a fucking idiot Yeah just a dumb shit like open mic deal Like too old for it kind of sad but he had this brother No he used to book like casinos and shit He was like an old road guy I think that was like No I'm gonna

Once as soon as I get the deal with Spotlight Out in Palm Springs we're gonna be cooking Yeah maybe I wasn't aware of it but he had a brother This dude Bobby who like Nice enough guy but like profoundly special needs Like guy with the shopping cart Level of, like, you know, brain damage. And he was hosting a show I was doing one time. And this is verbatim his intro.

He goes up on stage after the comp before, and he just goes, you know, I've been thinking a lot about, you know, the holidays are coming up. It was March. And I've been thinking about how a lot of our troops out there, they ain't going to make it home this year for Christmas. Anyway, give it up for your next comic, Keith Corey. No comics or anything. I had to go up and be like, all right, sorry about those dead troops.

What's the best open – because that just reminded me of what's the best open mic joke you've ever heard? Do you have an open mic joke where it's like this is not a joke by any stretch of the imagination, but it is an open mic joke. I'll do mine and then tell me if you guys have one. Okay. There was a guy in Orange County

named Larry Hamm. I'm using his first and last name. I don't remember him. He was on stage one time and I had just started comedy and he's looking

at his notebook and he goes what else do I got here? Oh, I got four neighbors all dudes probably all fags. No, then he went, what else? Like he wrote, probably all fags, parentheses, hold for applause.

Mine is probably, were you around for the era of John Casso? I don't think so. Oh, yeah, man. John Casso was a buddy of ours. He was like... Platinum hits. The open mic edge. We joked that we thought

he'd shoot up an open mic one day, but we genuinely thought he would. Yeah. And he would just do these insane, just offensive for no reason, almost like a Neal Hamburger level of offensive one-liners. It was either like these weird,

one-off, like, edgy one-liners or just... Actually, I'm not going to say what the other thing he talked about was because I believe he leads a private life now. Yeah, very nice guy. edgy one-liners or just actually I'm not going to say what the other thing he talked about was because I believe he leads a private life yeah very nice guy I think he listens to the show he talks about something else I love John Casso

first comedian I ever met actually yeah Casso if you're listening what up one of my favorite ones he just goes I want to start an all black funk band and call it Porch Funk Jesus and he would do this at like all white open mics and we would laugh at the sheer absurdity of how bad... He said this like Dylan Klebold.

By the way. And I remember one day we did a show at this place called the Liquid Lounge and there was this black-ass bar in Long Beach. And he goes up and he does that joke and the crowd just goes, What?! Oh, gotta buy this back. Do Jewish kids shop at

Oshkosh Begosh? We're like, nah, dude. Back to buy this back. Do Jewish kids shop at Oshkosh Begosh? We're like, nah, dude. We're like, back to your previous thoughts. Yeah, regarding the porch. This isn't a joke, but there's a long-running open mic in Baltimore called The Sidebar. Still goes every Monday. And there was a guy who used to come every Monday who was like an older guy and kind of crazy. Just sort of ran about politics for like four minutes.

But anyway, he'd show up in scrubs about half the time. And I always assumed there was like a hospital like two blocks from the sidebar. So I was like, I assumed he worked there. So I was just like, hey, Mike, why do you wear scrubs so much? Do you work at the hospital? He's like, no, they're just the cheapest clothes. And that man grew up to be Tom Goddard. Buying clothing in bulk.

Oh, that's so funny. Like it's napkins for his restaurant. Yeah, exactly. That's the best deal you can get. Fuck, I feel like I had one, but I think I forgot it. Mmm. Yep. What do we want to...

We've got some voicemails here. Let's head over to the Mean Boys voicemail line. You guys can leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. That's 304-805-6326 for all you simpletons out there. Let's see what this guy has to say. Come on, Wi-Fi. What's up, Mean Boys? This is Big Mother Trucker calling in.

Yeah, thank you for cherry-picking the least shitty parts of the super shitty game that I made for you guys like six months ago. Yeah, it was kind of cool. You guys actually go back through some of the backlog and find in that shitty thing I did. Yeah, that was cool. I'm glad you guys had a fairly good time on your tour. This guy needs to fire his therapist.

I'm really liking the recent episodes. You guys are doing great. Hey, thanks, man. Fuck everything. God is dead. Wasn't really a question or anything entertaining, but there's nothing to say to that voicemail. Much like the game you sent in, it was, I don't know, technically content. So thanks for that, Big Mother Trucker.

Thanks for reading up 30 seconds, Big Mother Trucker. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he could not stop slamming himself. He was like, you picked the... Thanks for making my day as a big gay shithead. Little ass gay shithead. I do worry my self-worth issues have rubbed off on the listeners. Anyway, I'm off to punch myself in the dick

in the town square. If you want to invite every girl I've ever had a dream about, go ahead and send them there. Wait, is his name Big Motherfucker? Big Mother Trucker. Oh, I thought he said Dick Motherfucker. We have a lot of Mean Boys call-ins that the voicemail people that have nicknames

that they've earned. And lately I see a lot of people trying to give themselves nicknames, and it doesn't really happen like that, guy. Who are our sanctioned Mean Boys nicknames? Short Bus Murphy. Short Bus Murphy. Buffoon from the Lagoon. Buffoon from the Lagoon.

Those are the main two. And the Big Ass Ramduck. Big Ass Ramduck. Even that, I haven't totally notarized the paperwork on. Oh, come on. The Big Ass Ramduck was born on the Mean Boys. Why don't you forge my signature on it, Ramsey? Why don't you do that?

The California Tax Board of nicknames? Can you fucking mail me 12 letters? Just Venmo yourself $400. Well, listen. Next time you guys invite me on the Mean Boys podcast, maybe do it when Keith isn't being so salty. Yeah. Okay, geez. You forge a guy's signature on one tax paper.

You commit one felony. He literally won't give... He won't... I literally have... How is this man supposed to get his business off the ground? This is exactly the kind of frivolous lawsuit that's destroying the corporate sector of America. I have my schedule laid out downstairs and one of the lines is like, Undo Ramsey. Ramsey's just trying to help you help yourself.

He tries to start a business in your name. Absolutely. You start a business. You didn't deserve any part in that organization. I agree. I didn't deserve this. Yeah, well, just because you've accepted that you're not cut out for non-profit organizational work

doesn't mean that you're not any less ingrateful. I've said it once. I'll say it again. What kind of CEO and treasurer does not have a schematic of the company? Just play a fucking voicemail from the ding-dong who plays ping-pong or who the fuck ever. Robin has not called in.

All right. It's your boy, Chunky Krill, a.k.a. Colin Domo. I'm calling from Japan. I'm from America, but I've been living here for about seven years. And I'm a big fan. I've been listening for the past couple of years. And I just want to say thanks. Years.

Jesus. For making a great show and making my ride home on Tuesday nights a lot more bearable and a lot more fun. A little less Japanese. Anyway, I guess I have a couple of questions or requests. One, I want to hear more about Tom's experience in Japan, just kind of, you know, like what he remembers about staying here. Oh, yeah. A lot of Japanese people. The food was really small.

You know, what kind of weird looks he got from the locals or what was the favorite food. I don't remember as much about Japan. I hope I have the right number here. I didn't get like a message that said, hey, this is a mean boy. So hopefully I'm not just leaving a weird voicemail on somebody's random voicemail box. Yeah, this is like the motherless child. I'd love to hear some more of the Is the Domain Name Taken game. One of the first episodes I listened to was Fart Lawyer, and that shit had me rolling like I couldn't breathe.

So anyway, thanks for the laughs. My wife just got an iPad, so as soon as she'll let me use it, I'll commandeer her account to leave you guys a review. Wow. Thanks a lot, guys. What a broken man. I live in Japan. I have no friends.

And yeah, as soon as my wife goes to bed earlier than me because she can't stand my face anymore, I'm going to go use her account to tell my podcast buddies. I love them. Congratulations on really achieving mediocre white perfection. Well, just kidding, man. Thanks for the love. Yeah, we appreciate it, man. Thank you for, I think, being our first Asian. Oh, Tom's calling in to talk about his time in Japan. How was it, Tom?

Yeah, okay. I tried to talk to the mayor. I think he's several octopuses. They wouldn't cook my fish. Yeah, I don't know. Everybody's speaking Spanish or something. Yeah, it was hard to pee because my dick was all blurry. I kept getting it on the seat.

They want me to fight something called a Rodan. I was eating my... If it was in a volcano, I guess if I kill it, I'd become fucking Lava Jesus. I put the soup on my head because I thought that was good manners. Turns out I'm just supposed to eat it loud and I was like I was doing that already. Yeah, I put it on my head.

They said I look like that American TV baby. I sat down underneath the tree. People started meditating around me. Yeah, I accidentally became a savior to a lot of tiny Asians.

I became Buddha which is like Korean Jesus. I'm glad you guys could make that man's commute smelling three Japanese men's armpits every day more bearable. Somebody's on the most efficient form of transit in the world listening to us go, well, what if a fart could have a boner?

Yeah. All right, we got one more voicemail. I'm seeing the CIA, so this is probably pretty good. Yeah, okay, I'll step forward on this one. This is Big Mother Trucker calling in from just outside of the big shitty Mitten State. Thank God. I feel like I'm really fucking scarred right now.

I think I'm going to have nightmares tonight. I just watched some shitty, greasy, neckbeard, hentai fantasy come to life. It was fucking crazy. Okay. Ten minutes ago, right as i was crossing the border from ohio into indiana i was headed towards chicago middle of the night i look up in the lane next to me and about a hundred yards ahead of me i see there's a flatbed trailer that this is this is like what's on the trailer there's a character from thomas the tank engine it's not thomas it's fucking green i don't know what the fuck it is

it's gordon but it's a full-size thomas the tank engine style train wow that has been faced backwards on this trailer and somebody has put a bag over the face this thing looks creepy in the middle of the night it took me a minute to even realize what it was abu graham thomas god this looks like the cia is kidnapping my childhood right now what the fuck is this person doing with this thing where's it going so i managed to get a picture of it i'm going to email it to you i also just realized i could probably fucking sell this picture to the last guy in this country who's been fucking cranking it to old thomas the tank engine reruns just waiting for this moment like oh god oh yeah yeah that's fucking right, you big blue bastard. Fucking take it. No need for the act out, fellas. Now, if only I could watch that little green bitch get fucking kidnapped.

Oh, yeah. Fucking put a bag over your head. There's five years left in voicemail. Drag you across the line in the dead of night. Oh, yeah. This is one of those things where I go, you had the act out before you had this anecdote. Here ain't nobody going to hear you, Steve. There's no train, is there?

Fuck everything. My fucking childhood is dead. Here is the picture that he sent us. That is pretty creepy. Oh, wow. That is actually as bad as he described it. This train goes directly to Silent Hill, actually. Wow.

All of your guys' voicemails end like the end of a great slam poet sign-off. There's one more voicemail we've got to get to because it is for Ramsey. Oh, okay. There's a Babe Rides one in there Fuck everything my childhood is dead When was it Keith? It was like I think it was like right before we were supposed to record

Oh the last time? Yeah If somebody is calling for a voice For me it's probably from an undisclosed number I assume it's private Okay I don't know man It seems like we don't have it from an undisclosed number. I assume it's private. Okay. I don't know, man. It seems like we don't have it.

Give me one second. Let's see if we can find it. Okay. Dude, I'm so glad. Ramsey, do you want to stall on air right now? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, guys, stall. What are you looking at there?

I'm looking... Dude, I have not been on Zoloft. Dude, if you... Man, Isaac, if you've never tried an energy drink, don't you ever try Zoloft, dude. I did Prozac for a little bit in college. Did you do Prozac? Yeah, and then I just started being happy without it. How?

When you got off of it, didn't you experience a bunch of withdrawal? I don't have anything. No, none. See, I have... I missed two doses. Oh, you know what? I think it's a text message, actually. My brain is like... It's shut down. I can't... I legitimately like it. Okay.

Sorry. Go for it. It's actually a text message. Hello, Mr. Bedali. I understand you practice law in regards to e-cigarette and vape rights. Do you have any expertise in this field as it pertains to livestock? Yeah. I operate a small farm-to-table meat supply business, and I'm looking to start a line

of nicotine-infused artisanal meat products for consumption in smoke-slash-vape-free restaurants. That said, the law seems vague at best on the legality of including a vape machine in our livestock rearing process. Please advise. Well, I'd like to say, first of all, thank you for that text message. I appreciate that. I assume you sent it on one of those Facebook secret

message features where it's encrypted. I do currently have I do have a patent pending right now on nicotine infused meat, so I don't know if he's going to have to. That's sort of where the law begins and ends at this point. If I end up getting my patent, I don't see this being

legal for him. I'm curious to see what he wants to do though. Is this like a you think to be sold in stores, like a beef jerky kind of situation? That's what I would imagine so, yeah. Yeah, I mean listen, I'd like a beef jerky kind of situation? That's what I would imagine, so yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'd like to send over a couple of documents. I'd love to see what he's got going on. You tried this new Slim Jim chaw flavor?

This stuff is rough. You're supposed to hold the beef jerky between your cheeks and your gum? You ever had menthol jacklings? Damn, Sasquatch doesn't look so good. He's got a lot of yellowing in his fingernails. He's really irritable. Look, nicotine is tricky, man, because the government wants to get in your shit all the time. I tried to buy nicotine lozenges the other day, and they actually ID'd me for the nicotine lozenge, which is crazy.

Yeah, how are kids supposed to study for the test? How are kids supposed to- To quit smoking. Study for the test. Quit dueling. How are kids supposed to learn how good nicotine tastes to work their way up to cigarettes? If I'm an eight-year-old trying to quit, you ain't going to sell me a fucking lozenge? Fine. I'll keep smoking. Yeah. Where the fuck are your priorities?

I'm going to keep buying them from dudes on the street. You're probably going to molest me. Yeah. At any moment, I'm always equipped with a pro-nicotine panel story. What a nerd getting molested for lozenges. Well, I think that's the podcast for this week. Yeah, this has been a very okay episode. I thought it was pretty good.

It was good, man. Yeah, Ramdog, plug your shit. Hey, I promise I'm funny. Go to my Instagram and my Twitter, at Ramsbad. Subscribe to the Raw Dog Weekly, a newsletter that will start firing off seven years from now. Well, it depends. It depends. If there's no money to be made tomorrow,

if I foresee a nickel to be made, this will be put out in 10 to 20 years. There you go. Isaac, what do you got going on, champ? I'm going back to Maryland. June 8th and 9th, I'll be staffing the National Scholastic Championship in Reston, Virginia

so if you like watching high school quiz bowl and you want to see some games moderated by yours truly Whoa Whoa If you show up

to a Please do not show up to this tournament If you show up to a teenage scholastic tournament and you're like I have no children involved

I just wanted to see the host you go to jail Yeah I'm also probably doing some comedy shows back there, but who knows, man? I'm not plugging anything. Follow me on Twitter, at IB Hirsch. That's it.

My man, B Hirshen. May 24th and 25th, I'm headlining Club Comedy in Seattle, Washington. Come check those out. And then, yeah, got a couple other things, but I'm not. What's the date on that? What's up? Oh, May 24th and 25th. Whoa, cool.

That's the new comedy club out there, right? Yeah. Yeah, and actually, I guess I should. I haven't announced this on the show yet. My fucking album is finally coming out. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, it's going to be. Party of the Wishes is going to be available for pre-sale May 17th.

Officially releases May 24th. If you guys want to pick it up, no pressure. If you want to wait and listen to it for free on Spotify, I get it. We're all poor. If you guys want to pick it up, no pressure. If you want to wait and listen to it for free on Spotify, I get it. We're all poor. If you guys want to grab it, grab it on iTunes. I want to see if I can chart this dumb thing. It'd be pretty funny if I could. So yeah, that's coming out soon. I'll be bugging everyone

posting about it. Historical Roast, the TV show we wrote, is coming out May 27th. Holy shit, what a cool weekend. So yeah, go watch the TV. It's on Netflix. 27th. Holy shit, what a cool weekend. So, yeah, go watch it. It's on Netflix. Watch it. Give it five stars.

I think you're supposed to give it five stars. Oh, yeah, give it five stars. Actually, give it four and say, if it weren't for Jeff, it would be five. It's more of the guy who plays Vanilla Ice. No, and man, I cannot. The comedy reviewing world is going to hate. And I genuinely like the show we made, but it is snob repellent. Oh, me too.

We are going. It is going. By the way, May 26th, catch me deleting the Twitter app from my phone. And May 28th, catch me making a real hurtful game for the next episode of Mean Boys. All right, guys. Thanks for coming. See you next week.