Mean Boys - EP 198 - Piss Jugs (feat. Nicole Becannon)

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Listen to Nicole's podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/screw-ups/id1448825619 Check out Keith's new album "Partylicious": https://music.apple.com/us/album/partylicious/1463735011 Get 50% off your first month of Scentbird: http://scentbird.com/mean Listen to Tom's new podcast Leaving The Tribe: http://soundcloud.com/user-754160303 Get a Mean Boys Ramones shirt: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow our guest Robin Tran on Twitter: twitter.com/robintran04 Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up everybody, Mean Boys, back with a new episode. Yeah, we got Nicole Buchanan in the trap with us today. What, what, fireworks. Call forward. Bring in the late Rassle Dassle. You guys are going to find out about my new business I'm starting. You know, a lot of stuff about, you know, cereal. It's a good episode. A lot is covered.

Bed, bath, and beherdling towards the grave, I think should be the name of that business. Yes. What do we have to do? What do we say in these things? I don't remember. We generally plug things like the Discord, the Reddit. And the subreddit.

You know, you can discuss things with your fellow Mean Boys fans. Links for those in the show notes below. We have a Patreon, which we've been angrily reminded many times this month. Yeah, we have a Patreon page. More of the $25 boxes went out because you guys got us your T-shirt sizes. If you haven't done that, do that already if you paid for it in the last few months. Almost everything is caught up. We're waiting on like a few T-shirt sizes so they can get back to us.

But other than that, we've got everything sent out. Everything's groovy. Yep, and it's all coming down the pipes. We'll get there, guys. We're sorry. We're caught up. We got a big boy job, and we're all fucking falling behind here. Yeah, so it's $5 a month, weekly bonus content, $10 a month, monthly goodies.

You guys already know the damn drill. Yeah, you know what's up. Not a ton to plug, really. Not a ton else to discuss. I also have a $25 box. My box. Oh, what? What are you doing?

You're doing it two and a half times? Why don't you raise the price? It was $20 last week. Pay $25 and you can come down my pipes. Weirdly, it's cheaper for the ass. If you're 26, you get the extra most boxist. It's got more cheese and pepperoni than the classic box. Comes with a Baja blast.

Have you guys heard if they have this new like pill that makes your cum smell good or taste good? It's called a pineapple. No, well, is that true?

That's the only way Keith can get it down is if he swallows it without tasting it. He just goes, ah, fruit. I just think it's hilarious. Like you can have

like strawberry flavored gum. Yeah. Is that real? There's no way that that is healthy. The schlongberries taste like schlongberries. It's a new pill.

And they're our sponsor this week. Use promo code NICOLE'S PUSSY. To get 50% off your box. That's pull out. Well, I think we've done all the important business for the show. Yeah. Enjoy. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Piss, jugs, or self-care. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A lady bumming smokes at a trailer park. Yay! That's with the jorts.

You look like you're the fun lady outside of a Circle K. Oh, God. I didn't even realize the jorts had spread. Yeah. Well, it's hot outside, okay?

Oh, no, no. I'm jealous of everyone's jort game. I think you could pull off jorts. Like short ones. You should wear these. Like a full Daisy Duke. Yes. Like think you could pull off jorts. Like short ones. You should wear these. Like a full Daisy Duke,

like pockets out the bottom kind of situation. What makes you say that? Because it would be funny. Me and any article of clothing besides just something bland in one color is hilarious. Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah. You do bring a lot of, you know, you do bring a lot of Z-axis to the things you wear. I have a hilarious amount of of puffed up haunts. Well, now I'm picturing. I can picture you in jorts, but not you.

I picture you in more like the short, like tennis short type things, you know? I could wear like some old school basketball shorts. Yes. But like jorts, I got no. Jorts, if you can't fill them out a little bit. Yeah, you got to be a little thick. You got to be able to put a little bit of pressure on those jorts. I think a fat guy in jorts looks sort of fun and charming.

Let's go mudding, brother. But a thin guy in jorts looks like a criminal. Yeah. It looks like he's about to get nailed on cops. Thin guy in jorts used to live in a different town but moved because of a rape case. Yeah, exactly. Do you have an ass, Connor? I did. It got popped at some point.

I don't really know what happened. I used to have a pretty popping little ass, but now it's flat and there's just two little sub wrinkles underneath it. Yeah. Know what I mean? I've been doing this 30-day butt challenge and it's not working. Okay. What what I mean? I've been trying to do, I've been doing this 30-day butt challenge, and it's not working. Okay, what's the challenge? Oh, it's you keep putting things of different sizes in your butt. You only eat butt for 30 days.

Until it's stretched out enough to be. One of these new crash diets the kids are doing. You're gazing your butt hole like a sad girl's earrings? No, it's like squats and shit. Like squats and fire hydrants. What's a fire hydrant? Is that where you come on a guy's face and you clench it on clench? It's when you're down on all fours and you lift your leg up like you're about to pee on a fire hydrant like a dog.

That's literally the name of the exercise? Yeah. Is that like used? Does everybody say that? I think so. That's not just like a fun slang? Well, the original was calling it a piss bitch. Yeah.

Oh, shit. What we should call it is a $130 ticket. I'm going to tell you about... By the way, when you said piss jugs, I immediately thought of like jugs, like boobs. Oh, like tits full of piss? Oh, tits with piss all over? Wait, that's not where you keep your piss? I thought girls' piss was stored in the boobs.

Which is why I assume Nicole's been dehydrated for most of her life. I just pictured somebody lactating pee and it comes out steamy. No, my new campaign is to rebrand piss jugs as self-care for guys. How is it self-care? It's like the opposite of self-care. No, it is. Because you're not taking the time to walk to a bathroom?

No, it's self-care because sometimes you're cozy, you're watching your favorite show, and maybe you're watching the basketball game on our NBA streams. And then you start thinking, streams? That gives me an idea. And then you piss in a jug so you don't miss any of the cool basketball action. It's self-care. It's just allowing yourself to be gross because that's what you need right now. I think pissing in a jug is fine for self-care,

but getting rid of the piss jug later in the day is also part of self-care. I'm surprised you haven't just cut a hole in your bed with a bucket underneath so you don't have to get out of bed to pee. He's just making a water bed. Oh, got to change the oil. That would be cool.

Then I could have like a whole kiddie pool full of piss that I pull out like a shelf. Like one of those industrial bags of soup. Like just a big ziplock bag of piss. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like how it shows up to the fucking Panera Bread. We call it the devil's Capri Sun. Yeah. We're innovating pissing right now.

We really are. Yeah. Tits full of piss. Which is amazing. Beds full of piss. I get amazing. Beds full of piss. I get those big jugs that Tom uses, like the big jugs of water with a little handle from the corner store. And it's...

One night, I was just like, I wonder how much I actually have to pee every night. You know? Because I get up and pee a lot when I'm sleeping. But three, four, five times a night. Filled up the whole jug. Goddamn. It's a lot of pee. I feel like you're just bragging about how hydrated you are at all times.

I'm so dehydrated, my pee smells in the morning. Really? Like, very strongly. What does it smell like? Actually, let's save that for the premium content. Like a very strong, like, ammonia pee smell. And I looked it up because I was like, oh, no, am I dying or have an STD or something? Nicole's Google history, by the way.

It's got to be the best, like, you know, alt-comedy Twitter feed. Why is my pee so sticky? 3.45 a.m. And then it was like, you're a dehydrated bitch, which I knew, because it's like dark, dark, dark yellow. I have to poop before I shower and after I shower. And in the shower. I like that you pee like a nice, like, pilsner.

You know? Yeah, I do. It's a dark stout. A real dark, cold, blue... Seasonal piss. Piss, yeah, yeah. Hints of cranberry. No, I need to drink's a dark stout. A real dark, cold blue. Seasonal piss. Piss, yeah, yeah. Hints of cranberry. No, I need to drink more water for sure.

Yeah. Why aren't you drinking enough water? It seems pretty intuitive. I hate water. It doesn't taste good to me. All right, well, have you tried not being six years old? No. Have you considered that a solution to this easy problem?

No, that's my entire life. And appreciate the gravity of this. That was one of the most infantile things ever said on the Mean Boys podcast. Yeah. On a show where our last episode of Patriot is literally called poop. Wow. Yeah, I've been taking some pretty ridiculous antidepressant shits. All right, you want to show Nicole that dump?

Oh, should I show Nicole the picture? Yeah. You want to see a picture of the worst shit we've ever seen? Absolutely. This is your shit? This is my shit, and this shit has different biomes

like a Minecraft safe. It's like multi-colored. All right? There are so many different elements of this shit. Are you sure? First of all...

Come on, just show it to me. Whoa! This is my new favorite... Is that the most open I've ever seen your eyes? It's for real. This is my new favorite second on the show, by the way. I was not expecting that.

That looks like a cow shit. Let me give you a little tour here. Now, what is that blue cloud poking out from underneath the bottom of it? I'm going to turn the brightness up. Are you eating cakes? It's blue. No, I didn't eat any candy or anything funky. Oh, my God.

There's a blue cloud. That looks like it came from an animal now look at the now look at this log at the top underneath the cloud of the cloud that's obscuring all of mordor right here so concerned for you so i had like a butt plug of regular shit and then i uncorked a champagne bottle of doom and the rest of this happened and again i this is stuff we pointed out in the patreon but just so i can explain to n again. The shit that is, first of all, it's diarrhea that's popping out of the toilet bowl. Which, first of all, the diarrhea crested the water. And the diarrhea that's on top over here is wetter than the poop that's in the toilet.

It looks like a hot spring. It probably smelled like one, too. The really disgusting one. Oh, yeah. And see, this part is chunky But this stuff over here Is cloudy and smooth Are you sure there isn't sulfur in there?

Oh my god That's so disgusting Connor I know That's the problem How much would it cost Now imagine how that felt Inside of me all day How much would it cost

I'm on antidepressants And that's not a thing for me Which one are you on? I'm also I drink a lot of energy drinks Which makes your shit Pretty gross and liquidy, but I've never had that kind of shit. I'm on Prozac.

Oh, okay. I don't know, it always gave me the fucking, it always gave me the mud butt. How much would it cost to get you to text that to the most famous person in your phone? Oh, I think John DiMaggio would appreciate it. He sent me a picture of him taking a shit when he did the podcast. Did he? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Well, that'd be blood for blood. Yeah, yeah. I think he'd be down for that. And also, is that really the most famous person on your phone? I guess Andy Dick. I'll send it to Andy Dick for free. Oh, you should text it to Andy Dick right now. I don't really have a lot of fame.

I'm not a very good climber or networker. I'm trying to think of who the most famous person on my phone is. Yeah. Maybe Jeff. Jeff. I don't really have a lot of fame. I'm not a very good climber or networker. I'm trying to think of who the most famous person on my phone is. Yeah, maybe Jeff. I don't even know. Do I have Jeff's number? Okay, yeah, Jeff. Yeah. You want to hear the saddest thing?

You know who the most famous person on my phone probably is? Connor. Pauly Shore. Oh, yeah. Will you text it to Pauly Shore? Because he's more famous than Jeff, right? You want to see if he wants to use that juice? Dude, I think Pauly Shore. Speaking of juice more famous than Jeff, right? You want to see if he wants to use that juice? Dude, I'm sure...

I think Pauly Shore... Speaking of juice, that's actually what the Lizzo song is about. It doesn't not look like one of Lizzo's thighs. Wow, that was... Oh, what? It's chocolatey and glistening. That was not nice.

Her thighs probably smell better. I'm glad that nobody can see that picture because, wow, Keith, I was... I think they could extrapolate. There's no version of that poop that nobody can see that picture because wow keith i was i think they could extrapolate there's no version of that poop that doesn't make that insult i want i want i want my this picture of this shit when the legend we're building around it to be the mean boys podcast unredacted molar report i want i want petitions you know i want i want a whole discord team trying to hack my iCloud actually don't do that i wonder if you posted that on instagram what somebody hacking your i my iCloud. Actually, don't do that. I wonder if you posted that on Instagram. Would you say you're going to do it?

What? Somebody hacking your iCloud? No, no, no. I said don't do that. Oh, okay. But no, it's too late. What were you going to say, Nicole? I wonder if you posted that on Instagram, if it would be removed.

I got to figure it out. I got to figure it counts as violence against the human eye. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's some manner of felony. You can smell it. It's a health concern. It's a health post. you know what I mean yeah it's some manner of felony you can smell in the smell of that thing guys it's a health concern it's a health post

like so if you ask a legitimate medical question around it would it be okay you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna save it for mental health awareness day that shit is definitely

some kind of medical marvel you know and it's supposed to be a selfie of you looking cute and be like I'm on meds and it's hard but I'm

it's good cause I'm still here and I'm gonna be like I had to take a look at you looking cute and be like, I'm on meds and it's hard, but it's good because I'm still here. And I'm going to be like, I had to take a look at the shit I had to take. Yeah, here's what fucking healing smells like. Yeah, bitch. Look at me thrive. Now I feel like you're just making fun of my Instagram.

Oh, I'm not. I don't begrudge you. I get it. I just, you know, it's fun that that's because that's my version of it. Well, no one wants to watch a pretty boy uplift himself. You know what I mean? But if you just posted a picture of his weird antidepressant thump. I would laugh, but this is the first time

Keith's called me pretty in years. I call you pretty every day. I know. What were you going to say? Never mind. No, you can't never mind on this podcast. I was just going to say, I feel like you just described the Instagram of me and all your ex-girlfriends.

Oh, yeah. No, I like your Instagram. I overcame everything. Mental illness, crippling depression, dating Connor. Also, look how cute I am. I know. I'm a little hotter than I was crazy. I've yet to overcome dating them.

Oh, my God. I'm so out of the fucking game, dude. I'm just... Here's what I'm into. You know, fucking vaping, athleisure, piss jugs. I don't want any of it.

That's okay. These are my garlic and the holy water. All right? You know the old Groucho Marx thing of, like, I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member?

Yeah. I can't imagine you wanting to date anybody who'd want to date you. That's the thing. I date women that hate me. Look, I was the same way for a long time, and then I had to get over it because I was lonely. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I was like, well, I guess if they want to date me, that's fine. At some point, the self-loathing hits critical mass, and it's just like, well, I guess I'll allow myself to be loved. I do think I've been hating myself less lately. That's awesome. Wow. How'd you do that? Stopped hanging out with us?

No. I was listening to I Am Beautiful, the I Am Beautiful, the Christina Aguilera song. I believe it's You Are Beautiful. Whatever. You narcissist. Everything's me, me, me. Just Nicole is beautiful. This is about

me. She's talking to me, so yeah. I'm the only person on earth. Your eyes don't look that close. I almost thought it would be a funny bit to post a video of me just singing that to myself in the mirror and being like, this is my ritual before I go and hang out with Keithith and connor but i thought you guys would take it

to be serious and uh because sometimes i feel like i'll make a joke about you uh you guys being mean or me being sad then you guys will apologize and then it makes you feel like this is sadder i don't want to actually bum you out we're just we're just weenies we love you we don't want to you know i don't i don't ever really actually want to hurt anybody's feelings. If I say something cruel about you, I'm like 98% of the time trying to make you happy. I've had this happen a few times where I think we have the pit bull playing with a small

child conundrum where we're just trying to have a good time but we forget we are pit bulls. No, I like it because I don't like when I'm depressed. We're a couple of young Bobby Slaytons over here. It makes me feel better than people feeling sorry for me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, I'd rather, like, especially when I'm going through, like, depression, I guess, is a little different. And you guys are really good with that, actually. But, like, I think when I'm, like, going through something like a breakup or, like, something like you guys making jokes about it makes me feel better than, like, feeling sorry. Oh, I'm the same way. It's like, you know, I'd much rather, like, someone, rather like someone you know say something like callous and crass about something yeah like i'd rather you make fun of my ex than be like oh i'm sorry i'm kind of that way too like yeah the sooner i can like even if i'm still feeling shitty about a thing i'm like there's something you make me laugh about it it's gonna hit like speed the process of me being able to just accept it and

move through it yeah i got a fun oh fun... Oh, sorry. Go for it. You have a fun story. I have a sad story. I had a fun Bobby Slayton story. I tried to give him a tag. I don't think... It didn't work. Or he tried it a few times.

It didn't really work. But it's a pretty good... It's a good Bobby Slayton joke. Right. Which is, you know, his wife passed away. And he was doing jokes about it. And he's like, you know, people always talk, you know, use that expression, your late wife, your late wife.

I hate that. She's dead, people always talk, use that expression, your late wife, your late wife. I hate that. She's dead, not black. I'm like, that's some good old racist comedy. That's solid. Wait, that's the tag you gave him? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. I don't think he does it, but he got a kick out of it.

It was kind of fun. That is good. I like when you get to write a whatever, something like that. Yeah, I get that. Up there in international waters. I've never hated myself more. I'm fucking'm on my really oh yeah yeah but you're fucking killing it in life it's funny you really you always think like you hear like oh blah blah blah it won't make you happy and you go no and then i'm really like wow this, what the fuck? It is true. Blah, blah, blah won't make you happy. It won't.

Yeah. But I feel like it's nicer to be unhappy and, like, have certain things than be unhappy and not have those things. I disagree. Really? Somebody. I was, when I was, when things were worse in my life, at least it had some kind of direction. Because Keith always tells me if I get big fake tits, I'll just be sad with big fake tits. And I'm like, that's fine.

I'd rather be sad with big tits than sad with small tits. No, because then you're going to be sad and no one's going to feel bad for you because you have big tits. But they'll catch my tears before they fall to the floor. What do you have your boyfriend's hair down there for? What chapter of the philosophy textbook is this? The big tits, small tits My tits will catch my tears. Did Chelsea Handler write that?

Your tits will catch your tears? Is that? It's a song I'm writing. There's like an old quote or whatever that's like whatever you already are dealing with like money or success or whatever it is will only amplify that. So if you are an unhappy person

it will make you unhappier and make you feel emptier and shittier versus if you are a well adjusted person it'll make you have more access to things that will make you happy and make you feel better yeah i mean it's like it's not gonna fix or destroy you it just is another at least when i was incredibly poor i had to do things so i like had to like get out of bed or pee in a toilet you know what i mean right and now just yeah yeah and you can spend more money on vices yeah i mean i don't really have one except sneakers and even they've they stopped bringing me joy a while ago sneakers have stopped bringing you joy you truly have yeah well i just am too embedded i believe I, you know, more so got into sneakers because I'm addicted to things that make me

feel bad. And I would feel very stupid and bad for wanting and owning them. And then I would get them and I would just feel disgusted with myself. And I'd go, good, you're trash with your dumb shoes. I mean, as someone who ate a whole ice cream cake a few weeks ago to make myself feel better. See, I got to get on your vices. Then I might be able to fill out a pair of jorts in time for July. You know what I'm saying?

If you let her get you to become a fat guy and you didn't let me do it for a decade, I'm going to be so mad. I think you'd be happy with that. Honestly, well, the other thing is I don't want to pour more gasoline on that fire I showed you the picture of earlier. That is true. Those are the shits you're taking as the healthiest person in this house. Yeah, I don't know if I need to give that any more ammunition. That cannon's fully loaded. Taco Bell's not going to quell that fucking revolution.

I went to the gym earlier, and I ran a couple miles on the treadmill, and I was like, oh, I've got to take a shit. And then I went, and about 20 minutes later, I just left the gym. It was like, oh, I got to take a shit. And then I went and about 20 minutes later I just left the gym. I can't be here no more. I can't because it was like, oh, yeah, there's more and I don't know. I'm literally at like fucking just like, you know, when you first have a baby,

it's like the baby is my own asshole. You got to be on top of it all night. Yeah, and I'll get like just like all of a sudden it's happening, you on top of it all night yeah it just never and i'll get like uh just like all of a sudden it's happening you know what i mean and i gotta like do the fucking butt clench like like fucking you know cowboy walk to the bathroom i almost shit my pants during a meeting at work the other day oh yeah and it was the worst because it was like not generally you can get up and go to the bathroom if you need to like it's a pretty loose scenario this is a moment where i could not get up and leave but i was also like straight up turtle heading oh shit calculated a fart so i'm

like all right i gotta be cool and not shit my pants in front of a lot of people who can fire me oh man yeah i mean and honestly it's i'm beginning to wonder if these antidepressants are the right move because it's taken away one of the few things that brought me joy in life which is farting yeah you know no longer can i fart with impunity. You know? It's brought consequences to your butt trumpet. Every shit your story starts with, I thought it was going to be a fart. Every fart has become an important decision. You understand?

Every single fart is a life or death game time call. Yeah. You think it's a quick one. You're like, oh, no, there's an elbow on that motherfucker. And then it's like, well, you know, Connor, stop eating only Mexican food and vegetable drinks. Well, I can't do that, you know. So I'm just, ugh, I'm out of here.

And maybe not wear such light color, breathable pants. Oh, my. If I shit my pants in my track suit, it would be devastating. It would be the most noticeable shit my pants have ever seen. You would be able to see it from the front. Pretty immediately Look like you shit out your dick Look like a tampon fell through

Yeah I mean there would be no There would be no playing this off What's the best kind of pants to shit Maybe jorts No because then it's going to come out It's going to come out the sides that's true Jorts don't like have any breathe It's just smearing around

Maybe like some black Yeah Well, you want it contained so you can ditch the pants. Yeah, you would definitely want it contained. I guess it's probably just a pair of skinny jeans. Yeah, black skinny jeans. See, I almost think you want a dark cargo pant. Why, so you've got extra pockets to hold your shit? I guess, well, you don't see any bulge from it if it's a bulger. Oh, yeah, but then it'll trickle down the legs and then you've got it in your shoes.

That's a fairger. Oh, yeah, but then it'll trickle down the legs and then you got it in your shoes. That's a fair point. You know? And that's probably, I got to figure, like, that's the way, you can change your pants, you know what I mean, or whatever, but it's like, you know, I guess. Are you talking like an accidental squirt or like a full shit? Like, you know, the hole is breached and some, you know, whatever, like. You should just start wearing pull-ups. One-eighth of that picture I showed you gets out.

I should start wearing what? Pull-ups. Pull-ups pull-ups yeah oh like diapers yeah you already look like the little kid who's like i'm a big boy now that that's gonna fix my self-worth issues wearing a diaper this is uh this is how i boss up my life it's not much different than piss jokes with the shit you showed us, it's beyond changing your pants. You're going to burn your house down at that point. I'm going to have to get a different body. You've got to go to the Breaking Bad guy who fucking fakes your death and changes your identity. I'll be like managing a Cinnabon fuckface.

One skin graft, please. Turn me Chinese. I know. And then the shower. It's like, I wouldn't even want to do that to a shower. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's enough poop to clog the drain. I guess you'd want to wipe it down.

For some reason, I think if Keith shit his pants during a meeting, it would be bad. But if you did, I think it would just make you more likable. Interesting. Because I think you're just very pretty and funny and whatever. And so people are just kind of like, probably like, fuck this guy. But if you shit your pants, they'd be like, oh, he's just like us. Oh, that guy with acne scars on his face is smelly today. Where?

Right there. God, you're like a woman. My second flesh eating disease. Yeah, I don't know if you heard about this. Connor got a face rot in Florida. I did. Did you really? What did you sleep on?

A fan of this show's couch. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, it's okay. I got to see some pretty cool D&D miniatures. At what cost? Yeah, that's what I think. I don't know where I got it specifically, but yeah, I had some amazing fucking shit going on on my face.

It was like... Yeah, it looks okay now, but it was bad yeah i've been putting lotion on it trying to make it go away but i think i'm probably gonna have three like permanent dents i'm considering going to the dermatologist but i don't know like what they can if they can even do anything or if they tell me to get i might maybe it's like a plastic surgery scenario and i'm like i can't have that option because i might take it you know what i mean i don't think there's anything wrong with seeing them, though. Like talking to them and just seeing what they think. Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. Who cares? I've never really gotten by on my looks. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not really like, even if I'm not like ugly, I'm not like someone you think of. My personality is enough to make me, you don't think of me as a hot guy at all, you know? You've really rounded yourself down to a 6.5.

I think that Thirstraps on Instagram begs to differ. No one thinks like, oh, that cute guy. They think like, oh yeah, he yelled at me one time at flappers. I think they think that cute guy and then they speak to you for any extended period of time. That's what I'm saying. And then they're like, that mean guy.

Yeah, you know, the guy with those weird brown and yellow pants with the terrible attitude? It's new in your life, Nicole. Oh, you know. I haven't seen you in a while. Just doing nothing. I got back into therapy.

Oh, yeah? So that's good. Guy or girl? A woman. You got to go girl. Guy therapist. I feel like you knocked $150 an hour off your rate. I can't do guy therapy. I had one

guy therapist when I was at UCLA. I feel like it's just going to be like, well, why don't you stop being a bitch? You ever think about it that way? Have you tried fake tits? He was very about tough love. Honestly, the one thing that I liked that he did was like if I would say something, he'd turn

it around and repeat it back to me in a way that sounded ridiculous, so that I was like, oh yeah, that does make... That's the thing therapists do in general. That does make no sense. Yeah, but like in a very blunt way. Like I kind of used to think like I had to like be alone in my depression

because no one would understand. Oh, here I find out I've not been being an asshole. I've been doing vigilante therapy my whole life. I was going to say, I feel like if Connor was my therapist. I'm like the fucking Batman for your emotions over here, kids. And he's like, well, why don't you reach out to your friends? And I'm like, well, I don't know if they would understand.

I don't want to push them away and make them deal with my shit. And he was like, yeah, you're right. Your friends are dumb and wouldn't understand. And they're fucking assholes who would walk away from you. And I was like, I didn't say that. And he was like, yes, you did. And I was like, okay. Well, you know, i was like i didn't say that he was like yes you did and i was like okay well you know he's like oh i listened to their podcast and that's that's my that's my professional opinion but he leaves a voicemail hey there mean boys all

glory to the fudge lord i got this sad bitch i work for but the problem is because of my inherent need to uh for to for men to like me uh i i thought you're gonna say for my inherent need to ferment and i was like what what dear pray tell are you fermented for men to like me uh i i thought you're gonna say for my inherent need to ferment and i was like what what dear pray tell are you fermented for men to think i'm like a cabbage puss last i uh i would like i wouldn't be super open and vulnerable with him because he was a dude and i just didn't feel comfortable right like being vulnerable and also he was also young he wasn't even because it was at ucla and so he was just in his fifth year of school like he was like about to be a therapist so he was just like this young like dude and i was like

this can't be yeah my therapist like you i i could fuck you like if i wanted to i could fuck you and that should not be a thing with your therapist i can't i can't like have a therapist i love the idea of you and your therapist both thinking that same thing if i wanted to i could fuck you can't have a therapist that played the same pokemon i did you know that doesn't sit right with me i've been playing pokemon recently no just the game pokemon stay on ds because i used to play it as a child and so i've been playing it recently just because i i was i was like well i miss playing and my boyfriend plays it and i would make fun of him for playing it but then secretly miss playing it as a child so i was like can i play it's like yeah so i've been playing it a lot like an embarrassing amount yeah you know i i am starting to want a dude therapist just for certain issues you know

just because it's hard to say to a woman and it's's like, now why can I come if I just met her, but not if I'm in love with her? But what is that all about? That's a weird one to drop. You know what I mean? Like guy questions. But I think women get it, too. I'm sure, yeah. But it just does feel it's rough.

You know, I'm like, well, for instance, if I wanted to show a picture of that poop, you know, I would like a guy to. You shouldn't be showing any. Do you think you have a little bit of like madonna whore complex the only person probably colleges their poop like that is like the guy next to hannibal lecter in the silence of the lamps i will say my uh maybe this is too whatever no i don't care i'm gonna say it anyway uh one day i was really drunk and i like told my boyfriend, I was like, you can do anything you want, like anything. And he was like, OK, so he face fucked me. And then like the next day he was like, I feel really bad for doing that. And I was like, why?

And he was like, because you're like my sweet little angel. That's not what you do to a sweet little angel. You do that to like. And I was like, no, you can fuck me like a whore. Sometimes it's fine. And I feel like guys have that in their head to where, like, if they're in love with someone, they can't, like, do fucked up shit. I don't fuck anyone like a whore. Well, you should try.

I'll freak people out by being very affectionate. And they're like, whoa, we're in Tucson. You know what I mean? But, like, once you're in love, it's harder for you to cum? Yeah, I don't know. I just can't. I can't cum from having sex in general. I think I've come from having sex probably less than 10 times in my entire life.

But like jacking off. Oh, yeah. I'm undefeated. No, I have. I have tapped out a few times. You pull out and crank at the end and like shoot on the back? See, that, it's awkward to me. I don't like doing it.

I'd rather just not come. Why? That's called pulling out. That's what everyone does. Yeah. Well, I know, but it's like I don't like just jacking off on someone like i've done it like women have asked me to do it and it's like it's just very like it's not satisfying a and b it just feels very violent you know and i don't really like the way doing it makes me feel i've even had a girl like tell

me like face fuck me and i'm like oh fuck do i have to that's horrifying to just like i'm like that's where you breathe with that that's i don't need to enjoy having sex i don't think so not really you don't enjoy not having sex either i mean i like uh i like being funny i'm i like being funny while i'm naked on your face that i do like that's like that's more of a sensory deprivation tank That's like a female Version of face fucking Yeah Yeah Yeah That's good

No yeah but I just You know sex is just like I guess I Probably more so Just think like Well I should be Trying to do this So I can be cool

For my neighbors When I'm 12 You know what I'm saying Yeah And ultimately It's just kind of a drag I get that That's why I'm saying? Yeah. And ultimately, it's just kind of a drag. I get that.

That's why I'm living the joke life, guys. Man, I can't wait until you find the perfect person for you, and I can't wait to see what that person is like. Oh. It's going to happen, and I want to know this person. Pools closed, ladies. Yeah, you had 26 years. Yes yes i'm including ages one to yeah 14 could have smoked in when daddy was three but now one got through

that's the equivalent of the guy who pooped in the pool and ruined the swimming for everybody else oh yeah what is molestation if not pooping in the pool of your brain? Sexual development. Yeah. Pooping in my formative years. I'm still finding chunks to this day. I bet the YMCA guy, I bet there has been like a puke or a shit where he's like, just when I think I got it all. Underneath the drain at the bottom? How?

Yeah. How are we finding new pockets? That's cool. How much is your therapist? Do you have, like, is there a Yonlake insurance? Well, so, what happened was... Or do you go to that, like, where the Arkham Asylum villains go? So, it's the same therapist I was going to before.

And, like, I lost my insurance recently because I turned 26 and I do not have a job. So I went off my medication and wasn't in therapy and was falling into a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep depression. That's my favorite fear song. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep depression. And then I had to have a relationship conversation where it was like, if you don't take care of yourself, you need to take care of yourself this is you need to take care of yourself basically and so I was like you're right

if you don't go back on your meds no more face fucking for you Missy you're not getting your face fucked until you start here's the thing like you gotta fuck your own face first I think that's maybe the good part about being in a relationship is it really holds a mirror up to your face and like I would keep going and then Zach shattered That's maybe the good part about being in a relationship is it really holds a mirror up to your face.

And the balls. I would keep going. And then Zach shattered. I would keep going and being depressed until it got to a terrible point. But because there is someone else that is affecting, it made me face it sooner. So I texted my therapist and I was like, is there anything we can work out? And so she's working on like a sliding scale for me and charging me less. No, that's cool.

Then she was really nice of her. Yeah. See, that's the part that I hate is I hate, I hate someone. My emotions affecting other people. You know what I mean? It's an,

I find it very annoying. It's a, yeah. I mean, honestly, it's, it is good for you. I think in some ways to, to have that mirror mirror being held up to you. Yeah. Cause I mean, honestly, it is good for you, I think, in some ways to have that mirror being held up to you.

Yeah, because nobody exists in a vacuum. Yeah, because if I... Exactly, because even if it's not affecting your girlfriend or boyfriend, it could be affecting her friends. Hold on, I have an idea I have to write down. Turd vacuum to go with piss jug. You guys, this has been a really productive conversation for me. I think this is going to set me on the right track. Yeah, we're all still very sad, but we've solved a lot of wastes, supposedly.

No, if I got like a shop vac, you know what I mean? Yeah, a plop vac. I may only have to leave this bed for work and, you know, family events. I know you want me to be excited for you, but you're just building Jetson's technology to enable your shitty depression. No, yeah. I could get a funnel. Me, sad Jetson. I would have different-

Hates his life. Do, do, do, do, do. Different attachments for different kinds of dumps. You know what I mean? Gun prices. How do you know what kind of dump it is? I'm going to start Depressed Guy Sharper Image, where I sell gadgets and gizmos, you know, that help you complacify your life. You know what I'm saying?

All right. So there's one that's got like a funnel on top. That's for the messy days, you know, when you're worried about a little squirt back, you know. And it's got, you know, those little brushes that you have to massage some of the fine dirt and particulate out of. They're still there, but they're for wiping. Okay. You know. And then... I think you need, like, a mounted on the wall

like a gerbil's water bottle, so you can just kind of like... Oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, get yourself some. Maybe have one for, like, food too, just some sort of tasteless slurry. Yeah, no, I... One is water, one is iced coffee, and then one is NyQuil. The three main liquids. The amount of technology, it would genuinely

be cheaper to kill yourself. Oh, and that's what you'll be doing in the long run. When I'm really depressed, I do take NyQuil just to sleep. Oh, I would love to be a farm animal. Going in the little temple-grammed cow box that squeezes you. What's the opposite of cage-free? Make me one of those. Oh, yeah, dude. That would be nice, you know?

Sorry, I didn't mean to step over what you said. What were you going to say? Something? I don't remember. Do you have any ideas for my catalog? I'm thinking about it. Like, when I'm depressed, I want, like, Jack in the Box tacos delivered directly to my bed. Yeah, it's called Postmates.

Well, then I have to get up and go to the door. And I also have to see a person. I have to be able to be pantsless. I mean, you could put up one of those Craigslist ads where it's just like, I'm laying down in my bed. Here's my address. The door is unlocked. Someone come over and bring me Jack in the Box

and you can face fuck me. Bare bottom pig slash pretty hungry. I'm just going to start writing clickbait life hack articles that are completely not worth it. Like how to get free food delivered to your door. And it just works every time. Gang railed by a Craigslist. Works every time.

And then there's going to be six pages of like ads where it's like, you might think that this won't work. Click. But it does. Click. Forhims.com. Click. This technique. Click.

Roman.com. Click. Was I with you when we posted uh the will fuck for food ad on craigslist no i think this was one of your private adventures it was me and uh elise did this it was just we would just post like fake craigslist sex accounts and one of them was genuinely if you bring me a bag of wienerschnitzel you fuck me in the ass and then we would just read through people's like things and they're like literally i'm two blocks from a wienerschnitzel right now i'll bring it over on my bike well if you're riding the bike one guy literally said i got you're

riding the bike you're staying out of my ass i'll tell you that one guy said i got poppers and pretzel buns i was like man we should probably fuck this guy i got poppers and pretzel buns a plenty all right well uh that was a rollicking start to the show. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after this. Welcome back to our live coverage of this year's first annual Straight Pride Parade in Boston, Massachusetts. I'm Rick Dumpler. And I'm Shannon Chang-Meyerwitz. And we're here in the Channel 5 News booth overlooking the parade route. And so far today, we've seen a procession of the best and straightest this city has to offer.

That's right, Shannon. There was that unforgettable Buffalo Wild Wings float, the spellbinding Wingstop float. Surprisingly, no Chick-fil-A float, though. Rick, the CEO of Chick-fil-A, said in a statement that he was concerned that the straight pride parade was, quote, a trap. And that, quote, I bet we're going to show up and there's going to be anybody there except for a bunch of chicks with Skrillex haircuts throwing milkshakes at us. A fair concern, but they are sorely missed today.

And right now, we're watching the world's largest marching band without any flute players. While they're tromboning the shit out of everybody, we should talk about the fact that Grindr is reporting record usage in the one-mile radius of the parade route. That's right, Rick. And users of the popular gay app will note that it is a veritable cornucopia of headless torsos,

like a Greek statue garden with a farmer's tan. They're here, they're queer, and they're on the DL looking for anonymous action. So if you're a local business owner with a public restroom, now would be a great time to make sure you also have a mom. Oh, look, the Grand Marshal is making his entrance. That's right, Shannon. For the first year of the Straight Pride Parade, the search for a Grand Marshal was a top priority.

Initial choices included Joe Rogan, Adam Carolla, and trying Joe Rogan one more time just in case he missed the first text. But in the end, the selection committee settled on a Grand Marshal that encapsulates all the proud traditions and values of the heterosexual male community. This year's parade is being led by some guy named Ken who's wearing sweatpants in a sit-down restaurant. Look at him, Shannon. The sheer disrespect for any semblance of class or culture as he spits his gum into a cloth napkin and orders a well-done steak to go with his ketchup. You have to respect the craftsmanship that goes into his ability to ignore his wife while he scrolls through the pages of Instagram models at the dinner table and comments gorgeous on whichever one shows the most tit. And a true rainbow of stains on those

sweatpants, Shannon. I mean, blue? What could he possibly have eaten that was blue? It truly boggles the mind. I mean, is there anything this fat fuck wouldn't eat? Pussy. Because he thinks it makes him gay. Fun trivia fact, that bit of mental gymnastics is the closest he's come to exercise since 2007. And he's tipping 0% while citing a Ben Shapiro interview he didn't even fully understand, which means it's

time to go to commercial, but stick around because we'll be right back with the parade's final float, a salute to tucked in t-shirts. Live from the Straight Pride Parade, I'm Rick Dumpler. And I'm wine drunk at 2 in the afternoon and desperately unhappy. The Straight Pride Parade is brought to you by Willful Ignorance, thinly-veiled white supremacist rhetoric, and Subway. Subway. They've never said they hate gay people, but it feels like something they do, doesn't it?

And the Mean Boys podcast returns. I do love doing this show with Nicole and Connor because I get to watch them just watch it, like stare into two different middle distances when nothing's happening. Oh, yeah. Like the three of us, we're all looking different. It looks like... Into the void of our souls.

Or like one of those pictures where they superimpose you looking one way in front of you looking the other way. You know, like a bad old Sears photo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of fun. But we're back to do the one segment we still like doing, the Mexican joke-off.

Ay, so topical. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Hi. There you go. You got it. I'll take it away this weekend, or this weekend, this week, whatever we're doing.

It's the freaking weekend, baby. Time to tell me some jokes charmin created a roll of toilet paper that will last for three months big deal i've been using the same t-shirt for six years damn sounds like someone's gonna be a customer of my new catalog yeah the dumper image yeah reusable like wipes you know yeah so the t-shirt from the you know you're the coding camp your mom made you go to to try to get you to get a real job, but you left because of your anxiety. It's a perfect system to just reinvest the money you don't feel you deserve back into creating a negative environment for yourself. I think it's good. Okay, guys.

Be the rat that buys his own cage. Yeah. A pride of 14 lions have escaped from a South African national park. Finally, a pride parade I can get behind. That one's for the straight guys, you know? It's got cool, cool, angry animals. Tough straight boys. Yeah, killing stuff.

Yeah. It's cool. Yeah, murder. I have a pride parade joke, too. Do it. Boston is having a straight pride parade. Homophobes are having a parade confirming their worst fear perhaps they can be tricked into being gay

they got hornswoggled I know yeah I mean parade I just I don't see what is accomplished with a parade you know what work is being done just being gay not even not the pride parade I get like a celebration but like the fucking the New Year's Day Parade

Where it's Look at these Look at We made something I have always hated parades Yeah I think they're so pointless and dumb Yeah

You know I'm gonna say What I'm gonna say And I'm gonna be lambasted for it I like parades Of course you do It's a lot of people in one place Enjoying the same thing There's a lot of costumes

I like it I want to apologize for that. That's your choice. Yeah. Your choice is to like parades. I was born a parade fan. We'll see what Mr. Tesla coil has to say about that. Bystanders claim they saw a baby shark on a subway train in New York City.

Said animal control for the last time. You're not allowed to call Puerto Rican kids that anymore. I was expecting for sure a baby shark joke. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Someone at work fucking showed me that song and God, am I mad at them? Because that's not one of those things you can hear and forget wasn't that from like a long time ago that's living rent free up here and i'd avoided it for like four years you know i was one of those guys who escaped from prison i i had a job with a

different name at a jiffy lube and another state and i thought i was just like i'm gonna ride it out live a simple life and the life came looking for you. It came back to haunt me. I love that something that vicious also can be a baby. Well, most things are babies. I know, but doesn't it make the world seem like a happier place? Wait, does it? Like, if you think of the scariest, most racist, homophobic guy. At one point, he was a cute little baby.

Yeah. Uh-huh. I get that. And you're saying sharks hate gay people? Mm-hmm. racist homophobic guy like one at one point he was a cute little baby yeah uh huh I get that and you're saying sharks hate gay people is where you're getting at I think Michigan Hotel is

offering free lodging for anyone traveling to get an abortion due to a massive influx of phone calls they've added the room's bathtub size to their frequently

asked questions page on their website dude I saw this hotel and like I like what they're doing. They're basically treating the abortion clinic like Disneyland where you get a free shuttle bus there. They're really building their whole experience around it. Can you imagine a sadder place in the world

than the Continental Breakfast at the abortion hotel? Oh my God, that's great. She's a woman, she's been crying for 18 hours just trying to work the waffle maker. She's like, no, batters how we got into this mess work the waffle maker. No, she's like, no, batters how we got into this mess in the first place. I guess I got room for the whipped cream now. I think that's lovely.

Yeah. Abortions should be a... A resort-style experience. Yeah, you should get a massage after. Empty by sandals. When it comes out, you should get your a massage after Empty by sandals When it comes out You should get your picture taken Like Splash Mountain

And you could buy it for $35 And you get to see all the other ones Swim with the unborn fetuses Oh my god Like the dolphin pool Little chunks falling through Swim in the gene pool Looks like David Cronenberg made a bowl of cereal.

Yeah. They are not really tickling me like the dolphins did. Yeah. A woman on Pakistan Airlines opened the emergency exit thinking it led to a toilet. They were in Pakistan, so she wasn't wrong. That takes you really good. Wow. Everywhere is a toilet. so she wasn't wrong. That makes you really good. Wow.

Everywhere is a toilet. Did she die? No. I had to read the article because I was like, how is that possible? Like the air pressure. But the plane was still on the ground. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought it was just midair.

Yeah. She's just like whoops and then falls out of the plane. She thought it was the most intense bathroom walk of all time. And everyone's like, well, she'll figure it out. Yeah. She like pulled the whole bar down. Well, I guess they really need to lock up these toilets. Speaking of planes,

a Spirit Airlines passenger was banned for life for vaping on a plane. In related news, Conor McSpadden has canceled the remainder of his gigs for 2019. I almost wrote that same joke. I know you did. You guys, it's not that hard to vape on the airplane. I know, I've vaped on a plane before. I do it the entire time I'm on the plane in front of everybody.

It's great. By the way, back... Vaping, piss jugs, athleisure. Back to that. That's my gym tan laundry. This is the Justice League of bad things white guys do. I know. You know what?

I'm being true to myself and i'm accepting that i love all of them there you go yeah i do think that uh based on the shits connor taking you guys should have an emergency door exit style lock on your bathroom it has to be hermetically sealed yeah oh yeah like uh like et's coming over yeah you have to be deloused after you take a shit in there i did take a shower after the one I texted you guys. I would hope so. More for the emotional. It was like a rape shower. You were violated

by your own body for sure. That shit just kind of happened to me. Gaspar Noe presents Everybody Poops. It was just I was sitting right here and then all of a sudden my whole life changed. Is what happened with that shit hashtag me number two

that was pretty damn good that's solid work I like his shit there's a solid one underneath the diarrhea hopefully you're talking about your next joke like I said it was like someone you know, someone put a shrimp in the

cocktail glass of that dump. You know what I mean? It was garnished. Yeah, the celery stock that is the log. Like one of those trashy New Orleans

party for the whole table drinks that comes with chicken fingers sticking out of it. That shit came in a fishbowl. It was sparklers.

I should have done it in a coconut, you know? I'm going to start keeping coconuts on hand. There you go. Dumb nuts. Alright, guys. A motorcycle died on the I-95 freeway in Florida. Witnesses say he got really small and then all his friends drove right past him laughing.

He then muttered something about getting the, quote, bad controller and killed himself. Yeah, he got struck by lightning and just, like, exploded and died. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. It wasn't great.

That's fucking gnarly. Yeah, it sucks. That's also the most metal way you could die. Yeah, that is true. I mean, I guess, like, you know, if you're going to go, I mean, you're not going to see it coming. You know, wide open freeway, just kapow, you're done. I mean, that's not bad. Planning the funeral for that guy is somebody having to teach someone how to play a Molly Hatchet song on the bagpipes.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Police thank a quote-unquote helpful drug dealer for leaving a stash alongside a name and an address. If being retarded is considered helpful, I'm goddamn Mother Teresa. So you're very retarded? What a weird self-word. Well, look, I was going to go for Tom, but he's not here.

So I was like, I'll just turn this on myself. That one doesn't work because of how much we care about you. Do you see that? Fucking gay retard. It's love in action. I just want to be self-defecating. Why can't you let me? Speaking of self-defecating, man.

When are we going to have the tubes? I do a lot of self-defecating humor. You, when are we going to have the tubes? I do a lot of self-defecating humor. You guys ready to hear a really bad joke? Yes. A man stole thousands of dollars from a bank armed with nothing but an avocado. Guacamole robbery. Where was this bank? At Chipotle?

Shut up. At Chipotle? Damn, what did he do? He had an avocado and he's like I'm robbing this bank I think he pretended it was a grenade or something what kind of Tim Roth pulp fiction plan is that I guess a grenade I mean I'll give you that

yeah I honestly that's this guy I think if you do that you should get to keep the money the fucking balls it took this is a magic strawberry. Alright.

Fucking the World Health Organization has officially recognized workplace burnout as a legitimate medical phenomenon. They said they did this to stop a worldwide Mondays epidemic. Yeah. There we go. Needs extra guac.

If you don't give me your money, you're avocado toast. That's pretty good. I just went back to riffing on Keith's joke because I didn't know what to say about yours. Oh, man. Okay. The only injury was when he accidentally

stabbed himself in the hand. Connor, Woody Allen, avocado bank robber, man. Okay. The only injury was when he accidentally stabbed himself in the hand. Connor, Woody Allen, avocado bank robber. Go. No, I can't right now. Okay. Women of color called out dictionary.com's offensive definition of black. It defines black as lacking brightness and hue, and synonyms include gloomy and evil. To be fair, if you're outraged by dictionary.com

you're probably kind of a bummer fair point oh yeah that is that's we are really getting down to the uh down to the sawdust of uh of outrage aren't we that seems like it was a white guy who did that and like like cat he blackfished him yeah i think I think it's... I do think, yeah, like what the fuck? They're defining the color black as in like your t-shirt black. Yeah. Not like people black. Yeah, I guess evil is a weird one.

Well, because if you say like black humor, that's like evil humor. What else went on? Other synonyms include poor, late. I mean, I guess like... Added voting. Yeah, I guess there is some inherent racism in saying like oh you have a black heart but again it's saying you have a white heart just means it's

full of the mountain dew residue yeah it's like it's not i really i'm not like a strong caucasian heart yeah you don't hear about a lot of those a white heart is filled with nacho cheese and chemical depression like that's what a white heart is. All right. I got one more in here. What's the good one? There's no good one. Here's the least bad one. A kitten was stoned to death this week. Authorities are blaming the attack on the world's leading anti-cat terror group, Mysis.

It's like ISIS, but they're mice. You said it was a bad one. They don't like cats at all. No, that wasn't funny enough for how sad it made me. Oh, about the cat getting stoned to death? How dare you stone a kitten? Well, I don't know. Maybe it was gay.

You ever think about that? There was a girl cat and it tried to drive. Yeah, what if that cat had to do that? That's even more adorable. Cats can't drive. It thinks it's people? No, it's a woman. That's so funny.

America's funniest home videos in the Islamic State. It's just like, look at this woman. She thinks she is people. Oh, my God. That's so funny. My name is Tom. This week's challenge. That's so funny.

Send us your home movies of you cutting off the heads of a journalist Funny things you do Stabbing all the Jew Algeria Or wherever This is not Jew Algeria? No, that's Al Jazeera's channel Yeah, I fucked Algeria was the wrong poll

Algeria is I was riffing a racist parody Of the America's Funniest Home Videos theme song I didn't fact check it Oh, I forgot I was riffing a racist parody of the America's funniest home videos. Team song. I didn't fact check it. Oh, I forgot that. It has a theme song.

Oh yeah. I want my family. My family watched AFV every Sunday for decades. I don't see, I don't think the Tom Bergeron like reboot had it, but the original Sagat home videos had like this girl. I was kind of dating. It was funny.

She did nail me. Cause she was like, uh, she was like, you really are just like an edgy Tom Bergeron is your style of humor you you like like offensive tom bergeron jokes and i was like yep that's pretty much yeah that god she fucking put you on a cross dude that's brutal wow dude you you figured it out yeah my whole thing done got nailed um all right guys a mix a missing texas hiker was found alive after being missing for over a week. One rescued authorities told him, oh, shit, you're the guy that won that taco eating contest.

We missed Tom. Yep. Tom is, what state is he in? He's at a wedding. I don't, a state of disarray would be my guess. Yeah. I mean, I imagine he has one shoe on his head, one in a tree. What's funny, when Tom goes out of town, I don't know, Tom and I don't text much, but

I just get these kind of like non sequiturs about like his via twitter of of what is going on and i saw one the other day where i'm like oh this is not going great uh got to smoke a cigar with my dad last night for the first time since i was eight that's uh and again every every statement is it is has within thousands of questions tom is like batman in that that you never know when he's going to show up, but he sometimes shows up when you need him to. But a lot of times you just end up getting mugged in an alley. Yeah. I've been having

this fantasy where I am just sitting smoking a cigar in a top hat lately and I just want to do that. You go to Party City. This is a $3 fantasy. It just feels right man i miss the i miss unemployed thoughts they're great we're just like i should get a track suit you know uh 2020 democrats are calling to the calling for the end of the band ban gay men donating blood, focusing more on banning people

who have multiple sexual partners without protection. So you can donate blood if you're a gay guy, unless you're a gay guy. That rocks. Wow. Yeah, I do remember when I donated blood in community college. They make you fill out this form. It's like, you know, have you traveled outside the country in the last year?

And I was like, no. And he's like, have you had unprotected sex in the last year? I was like, no. Have you used any intravenous drugs in the last year? No. How about any regular drugs? No. Have you had multiple sexual partners in the last three months?

And I'm like, I get it. I suck. Like, I'm lame. I understand. it was just a whole thing you even ride a bike it was just the whole forum could just be like are you a fucking nerd well then fucking squeeze this rubber ball and pony up sally yeah i think it's ironic that like you can't the like the only restriction or the restriction is that you can't donate blood unless you're 16. You have to be 16.

But I feel like under 16 is the only time you're not doing any of that shit. Well, it's also... You should drain blood from children. What about those of us who... Get on board. I mean, everyone's getting shot. I also want some fresh, vigorous blood. I don't want some old-ass dudes, shitty, dusty-ass.

But his blood smells like a garage full of spider webs and shit. Children's blood is the future. I love Nickelodeon because their sort of marketing hook was it's made by kids for kids. I want that, but for hospitals now. Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you get shot at a school, you go to like the Nick Studios version of a hospital. I'm just saying, if you got a blood transfusion from a 56-year-old guy that just goes every week because it's a nice thing to do, you do not feel nearly as good as when you're fucking riding like a 7-year-old transfusion straight from the tap.

You know what I mean? You got all this energy. You're all excited about shit. Yeah, this patient needs two pints of A positive and a pizza launchable stat. Why are we not taking blood from children? You know when you get an organ transplant? Why do I have a craving for cinnamon toast crunch for the an organ transplant? Why do I have a craving for Cinnamon Toast Crunch for the first time in decades? I feel like I could rollerblade.

I've been eating so many Froot Loops lately. I forgot how much I loved cereal. And then I did hear someone mention Cinnamon Toast Crunch last week. And I was like, why have I not been eating cereal lately? And so I just went to the store and I got myself some Froot Loops. Feed too many Froot Loops, you can't donate blood. You know what I'm saying? Because you're gay got myself some Froot Loops. Feed too many Froot Loops, you can't donate blood. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying?

Because you're gay? Talking about gay buttholes. Anyway, your cereal story? You've just been cereal-ing out? It's not much of a story as much as it is just me. It's frankly barely a statement. It's more an acknowledgement of a product currently available. This show is now just the view for people that are about to kill themselves. You ever just want to sit around, smoke a cigar in a top hat and eat Froot Loops?

Welcome back to the view of the abyss. Yeah. The view of the edge of the tallest building that's unlocked. All right, guys. That was the Mexican joke off. You're all caught up on the news. We'll be right back right after this hey mean boys and girls today's show is brought to you by himalaya a brand new

podcasting app oh that sounds great tell me about it awesome start can't wait for the next episode to drop well be one of the first to listen to Mean Boys a day early, only on Himalaya. Himalaya is a brand new podcast. I covered some of this earlier. Where you can find every single podcast you love and some future faves. Oh, fuck. I don't even kind of talk like this. Whether you're a podcaster or a fan himalaya has got your back discover personally

curated playlists and show your favorite podcasters some love with himalaya's tip jar there's more like a quip jar over here on this show right oh yeah yeah hey if you if you're not on patreon you should uh or quit quip on over to to tip on the subject. You are not even approaching a sentence right now, bro. Quippity-tippet, bro. You can do it on Himalaya, which is great. We always appreciate that. Okay, Tom, close enough. Connor was on the road, and then I have a fever,

so everyone's working out here. Tell me more, Connor, please. This is a pretty funny ad. Connor, tell me more. It's the easiest to use and we're adding cool new... I think this is only supposed to be like 30 seconds. We're adding cool new features every day. Go to your app store, download Himalaya.

That's H-I-M-A-L-A-Y-A for most of our fans. Yeah. Spelled like the country. You know what? I think that's a Doug Stanhope joke. So sorry, Doug. That's in China for most of my fans. I don't think Sibylia cares.

No, I'm just saying for comedy fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have integrity, but it was in the moment. It was an accident, and I owned up to it. You tell people when you steal. I love it. But enough about Louis. No, I'm kidding.

And don't forget to follow Mean Boys once you're there. So, yeah, it's fucking cool. It's free, easiest to use, lots of features. I think I've read all of this shit. Yeah, but it's cool. I got it open in front of me, and honestly, it's a really nice interface. The Apple podcasting app grows to suck more and more each fucking passing day. I've heard so many of our fans complain about the Apple podcasting app grows to suck more and more each fucking passing day.

I've heard so many of our fans complain about the Apple podcast. It crashes on me all the fucking time. It crashes. It's slow. It's archaic. And they have the monopoly and they've gotten lazy. So Himalaya has swooped in. And it's pretty fucking slick.

I'm looking at it right now. I got all my podcasts in here. The playlist thing I actually like. Because then you could say, like, these are all the episodes with the good Keith's's mom stories they're like this is uh these are all the gareth reynolds episodes you know yeah yeah convenience they're like if i would love to see like hey here's all you know tim dylan's funniest podcast hell yeah i'm a guy at a four-hour flight every other podcasting platform is stupid for not already having that feature on it i think that's a great feature i would yeah i'm gonna use the shit out of that. Yeah, no, it's totally cool. They're supporting the show, and that's how I found out about it,

and I just liked it, so that works out great. You get too much transparency here. Anyway, download Himalaya, give us a follow, and we're actually going to put out the shows a day early on the Monday-ish. We'll do our best. But, yeah, you might get some early shows.

Yeah. If you follow us on Himalaya and the Vans. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. Take a look at your questions, your Twitters, your emails, all that good shit. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Send us an email or give us a call. Yeah, thank you, Andrew Hillary, for our rollicking jingle. Very much matches the energy of this particular show. Yeah, we're all in a low energy place today. I don't think anyone came to the Nicole Buchanan episode for fireworks. You come to chill out and hang out. Have a cup of tea. I don't know whether to find that offensive or not. No. I'm sorry, guys. I've been writing a word show

patter for 48 hours and it is like my head is fried. I apologize. I will take responsibility for this terrorist act. I like to think I'm all fireworks. This terrorist act. I was building to a compliment, but Connor jumped in front of the hate. You're all fireworks.

Smoke bombs? Are we talking? You know, staining things. You're all fireworks and that you're ruining the property value of this neighborhood. Fireworks that are somehow shaped like a sad face instead of a happy face. At Meaty Gonzalez. I saw it. He tweeted me about something earlier.

I really enjoyed that name. Says, what name would you give the Mean Boys house? Helms Deep, Fortress of Solitude, Monticello, etc. If the house had a signature food dish, what would it be? Well, it already has a name. It's the Ramsey Call it the Pacquiao Palace. And we've never really considered an alternate name for it. Yeah.

I mean, it's named for the possum and the fact that it's in historic Filipino town, which is neither historic nor Filipino. Yeah. No, the possum. The house that Jewel built. The house that Jewel built? Like the musician or the vape? The vape.

There we go. This does look like the kind of place Jewel. This is the house that Jewel built. This is where Jewel would have lived before she got famous. Yeah. No, Ramsey did. When did Ramsey start vaping? I remember the week that Ramsey started vaping was one of the funniest weeks of my life.

You know, he just... Every day he would come home with a new bit that he would do in the kitchen about it. That was great. I miss the guys living here, especially Ramsey, because every night would just be like, you were watching him do panel on the Ramsey Badawi show in the kitchen, you know, and he'd be like, oh, yeah, and blah, blah. Anyway, I have no funny examples, and this story was pointless.

Yeah, so that's the nickname as far as signature food for the house. Oh, God. I can't imagine a worse hell than cooking. Pre-packaged. Yeah, I can't. A jar of peanut butter with a spoon in it. Dude, our sink is full of something green right now. Oh, God. I can't imagine a worse hell than cooking it. Pre-packaged. Yeah, I can't. A jar of peanut butter with a spoon in it? Dude, our sink is full of something green right now. Oh, God.

I don't know what happened, but I'm not going to solve it. Yeah, no. Well, we're at like this weird fucking Cold War situation with the dishes where it's like nobody has done them. The sink is clogged and it is full of like Hulk blood and and it's and it's absolutely wretched it's starting to smell and there's there's no starting my friend yeah and we all we all you know deny culpability so i i think we're just all gonna move out i think that i don't know that it's ever gonna i've just kind of accepted that i'm gonna just have to cram the water bottle down

to fill it up on the other side of the sink for the rest of my life. I'm losing money because I can't fill water bottles up in there anymore. Oh, I'm doing the same thing. How do you think the piss jugs got started? I was talking to someone the other day that like because they just moved in by themselves and they're like, when you move in by yourself, you realize that you're the problem.

You're all going to move in by yourself and be like, oh yeah, I'm disgusting because the dishes are all, you can't blame them on anyone else. Right. I'm going to keep my room pretty nice. That's why you move in with a significant other and quietly resent them. I've got plenty of energy to keep my room tidy and clean with all, you know, I'm not burning those unnecessary calories walking to the bathroom. Me and my boyfriend are children, so we just get paper plates And plastic cups And you know

Then there's no dishes to do Yeah We're killing trees out here And then you know Pretty soon That'll be beachfront property Yeah exactly Fuck nature

Yeah At Nugs for Christ says What would y'all do If you got booked To do a Gathering of the Juggalos set? I figure Nicole Could contribute as well Being such a fan of Eminem

A crush Is what I would do Yeah I think you would You would either have the greatest set in recorded comedy history or be murdered. I've done more with less.

I'm not a very good comedian. I'm the best comedian to book on a bad gig. You know what I mean? If it is a horrible situation, I am extraordinarily professional. Very nice show. I just have no idea what to do with it.

Are they offering to book us? No, although it's been bandied about. Because I would do the shit out of that show. Oh, as would I. I can't think of a greater honor. The only person that emails into my podcast at this point, it's a very new podcast, is a Juggalo, and he's a super fan.

He's got his mom on board. His mom listens to the show and tweets at us. Oh yeah, that guy was rad, man. He brought us Faygo because I guess the juggalos we met last time brought us the bad Faygo. And then we did the most juggalo shit you could do which was shoot crossbows at the Faygo. Oh, we did, yeah.

I ended up drinking, what is it, cotton candy Faygo out of a bullet wound in a Faygo bottle. What does being an Eminem fan have to do with juggling it's a it's a good venn diagram of they're both from detroit you know it's like weed weed isn't really like a gateway drug to crack but it's like you know if you smoke crack you probably tried weed first kind of a thing with eminem and them the fago was a funny addition because that was during my hunter s thompson van trip where i was uh going insane and uh i thought i was trapped in a computer simulation and it was funny just to be

holding a bottle of fago going is this real who programmed the fago taking a drink and i'm like well i hope so because it's actually pretty good who ran program fago.exe i know yeah like who when did they get around to this i mean physics must have taken up a good amount of time, but really the patch updates on this shit is really astounding. Yeah. We got an email here. They asked to be anonymous, but the subject line is pretty great. My ex is doing stand-up about stalking me. Nice.

So it says, hi, Mean Boys. As a fan of the show, I wanted to share something with you guys I'm currently dealing with. Last year I took my ex to your show in Pittsburgh. It was both of our first live comedy experiences. I broke up with him shortly after and things have gotten pretty bad over the past year. Basically he's been harassing me after I told him not to contact me.

Recently he sent me a link to a YouTube video. He did an entire open mic routine about me and our breakup. He even brought up cyber stalking me and people in the audience laughed about it. I'm just speechless at this point. I don't really know what I can do about it. What are your thoughts on this? What is the best way to deal with an ex that won't give up?

Anyways, love the show. Fuck everything. God is dead. It was like when George Harrison found out about the Manson murders, and he was like, I was just writing a song about pigs. You know what I mean? I was just kind of trying to call these two specific guys fat. I honestly would not worry about it at all.

I mean, first off, genuine piece of housekeeping. First of all, don't listen to Nicole. No, if that guy is listening, though, to this show, whether they're some sort of fan, maybe, fucking stop it. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. Cut it out.

Yeah, you're a dick. Yeah, that's not cool at all. It is weird that he said it. Unless the bit's really good. Now, if the set was funny i mean yeah will it kill it flappers because if it will yeah well the fact that he sent it to her is weird but i do want to say like define cyber stalking like do you mean that he looks at your instagram every once in a while or it sounds like i gave you all the information i have but it seems like

this guy is making contact and like being harassy. By the way, you know you're cyber stalking too far when you get to the Google Plus page, you know? And you're like, maybe they use this for a week and there's some stuff I haven't seen. If you were doing something online, whether it was just liking my post or whatever, and I told you to stop it and then you kept doing it, you're an asshole. That is true. It's not really a gray area.

If somebody tells you not to do a fucking thing and you do it to bum them out, you're a piece of shit. Yeah, I mean, definitely block that guy. Block the shit out of him. Yeah, maybe go private for a while, you know, let the heat die down. Yeah, that would be my move. It's just going to be annoying. Yeah, I wouldn't engage with it a ton just because it's the only kind of way,

you know, it's the starve him out kind of thing. Yeah, I would look into blocking his number so you can't, you know, receive anything from him. You know, I'm sure he's probably got your email, which is that's where a lot of times you end up going. And I don't know what resources are available and cutting him off there. But I wouldn't worry about him being a famous comedian or anything. I think he'll be all right with that. But, yeah, I just would Just don't give him anything That sucks I'm sorry that you're doing that

I'm especially sorry that it's Tangentially related to this show Although it sounds like she was the one who brought him She was the fan if anything else Hopefully he doesn't listen to us at all And you're just cool lady I'm sorry that happened Now I feel bad about

I used to feel bad about how much fun Connor and Keith had in Pittsburgh Because of Tom and now I've got to add another lady to that. Pittsburgh will be our guiltiest best day ever. Yeah, where Tom was like, I'm going to have a beer for my birthday. We're like, yeah, we'll celebrate it with you. And then Connor's playing pool, hitting on a girl. Keith is in the parking lot. Tom is just drinking alone on his birthday.

Yeah, shoving off interested women while he watches a hockey game he doesn't like. Yeah, surrounded by people he doesn't know, rooting for a team he doesn't like, and a city he's never been to all by himself. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, lady. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, that fucking sucks. Sounds like a dweeb.

Have you ever been stalked, Nicole? Yeah. You've been harassed, for sure. Oh, yeah. Do you have any techniques advice or even just emotional strategies to cope with the uh the pressure of it feels really violating especially i remember the first time i was really stalked was in high school uh i used to pick my friend up every day uh because i could drive and she couldn't yet and there was this guy that was like

across the street in his car every time and we thought he was just like a neighbor who was picking someone up every time and so we would like wave to him because we saw him every day and he was just like there and we figured he was just like a guy and then one day he left like a note on my car that said that we were like his two flowers in the garden of life and that like every time he saw us it like prevented like, prevented him from killing himself. Even worse, you're being stalked by a hack. Flowers in the garden of life. Yeah, well, he was, yeah, he definitely wasn't the cool, like, he's a stalker. Like, what do you expect?

He's going to be, like, fucking weird. Yeah, he's not a lot of rad ones. Yeah, he's not a poet. But, yeah, he just, it was, like, on a napkin in Sharpie. And then we, me and my friend like freaked out we went to school and we brought the we brought the uh napkin to like our like school counselor or whatever because we were freaked out and we're like i don't know if he follows us to school like he's there every morning and they laughed at us and they were like haven't

you heard of stranger danger like why did you take this no and i was like he left it on my car like i didn't have a trip and like she had to see the driving i was about to do a bitch about it and then like i don't know my thing rhymes so it's your fault and then like my friend's mom called them and like like chewed them out for it and then the the police and the vice principal showed up to my class and pulled me out of class and he was like i'm sorry my secretary's fucking idiot basically and then uh yeah and then the but the police were like we can't do anything until he actually like does something and i was like so he can just stalk me uh but then like he kept showing up and so eventually the police showed up and told

him like hey you can't be around these girls anymore and then he stopped showing up and it just when I like it just sounds like everybody learned their lesson yeah it was it does feel really violating and again I'm sorry and I have also had an ex that wouldn't leave me alone when

I told them to leave me alone and that sucks too so I feel for you. And the best advice I can give is just to block them as much as possible. And fuck, I don't know. Try to just live your life. But it is very violating. And the fact that he sent that to you means he wants you to know he's stalking you. And that's like a power move.

And that sucks. Yeah. He's just throwing stuff at the wall trying to get it to stick. But you know, you, dear listener, I can tell you're Teflon. It's not going to work on you. Bring a little coach energy to this.

It's fun. You miss 100% of the dicks you don't block. Yeah, sure. Definitely don't react or respond because that's giving him what he wants. Even if you want to be angry, like angrily respond because I wanted to do that. Although it would be funny to just use the iMessage feature and just give it a ha-ha reaction. But any type of response at all is what he's going for.

So even if you feel like you're angry or sad or whatever, don't give him the time of day, you know? Yeah, maybe don't, you know, ask a question about it on a podcast he might listen to. Because this may not be that anonymous. Yeah, because... Probably should have led with that. Yeah, I guess get fucked, shithead, if you think this is you. I know, I'm just kidding. If you don't know this is you, but you think it's you, fuck you anyway.

You did something else bad. Yeah, yeah. Maybe somebody was like, oh, I was stalking some other girl oh he was like he was like carol congratulations you got on the show that i just made that name up by the way she's like no that wasn't me and we're like looks like weird looks like we got a real the old rick and morty conundrum brewing over here uh this one's from uh mike beach he says hi mean boys just a quick question i just bought keith's album and liked it a lot. And from what I understand, stand-up, it takes about six months to a year to put together enough material for a set.

A little longer than that. While I enjoyed the album a lot, I also never laughed as hard as I did at Jimbo Kimbo, which was a complete accident. Do you guys have any feelings when material that you've worked on for a long time doesn't hit as hard as something that's a complete accident? Keep on trucking. Well, I don't have any materials. Literally two hours of material. I only do accidents. No, yeah, it's always way more fun.

Yeah, that's why I just mess around, because I don't really, it's always more exciting. Yeah, there is. It's kind of the only time I really feel much of a rush anymore doing it. Have you guys ever tried to recreate an accident that hits really hard? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and it never works. It never quite pans out. You can't doing it. Have you guys ever tried to like recreate an accident that hits really hard? Yeah. Oh yeah and it never works. It never quite pans out. Yeah I have some bits where I'll kind of try and work in like the road I took to get to an accident to try and find the thing but like it's it always feels a little inauthentic it never has the magic of the first time. Yeah well I was

I had this bit where I was saying I was a 10 year old girl but like I added like an extra fucking in it like you know when you're talking you're like fucking and I was saying I was a 10 year old girl, but like I added like an extra fucking and you know, you're talking, you're like fucking. I was like I was I was fucking a 10 year old girl. And I was like, wait, no, I was I was a fucking 10 year old. I wasn't fucking a 10 year old girl. No, I was a 10 year old girl that that was fucking. And I've tried to recreate that.

And it works sometimes. Other times it doesn't. But I always feel stupid doing that because it's not as genuine as it was the first time, you know? Yeah, I did that, too, when I was a kid. I said something. I was telling a story about someone. So I was like, yeah, you know, my buddy Greg's fucking this kid, right? And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That was stupid. He didn't do that. And I was telling the story like I was telling the story, like, with him. I was telling his story, you know what I mean? And he was like, yo! It was Opie. You got to be careful where you put your fuckins. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't put them in a kid. No, don't. Don't put your fuckins in a kid now. Anyway, coming down to Cracker Barrel. We were having a party the other day for a buddy of ours that was in town, a little get-together with all the guys. And we didn't really, you know, really just a small little get-together.

I ended up, you know, just watching. We just watched a lot of YouTube Denny's fights, and then I started showing them Louis Theroux clips. And then we were all watching this documentary about pedophiles for like 20 minutes in silence, getting sad. And I was like, I'm not good at conducting the party. The idea of that set to uh i gotta feel it yeah yeah just chips and dip nobody's touching you know

yeah i literally uh can't stop myself no matter how hard i try small swig of ipa look around room back to screen no escape ah well i think that's it yeah i think that is and nicole thanks for coming on the show Look around room. Back to screen. No escape. Well, I think that's it. Yeah, I think that is. Nicole, thanks for coming on the show. Listen to the Screw Ups podcast, everybody. Please do.

That's my podcast with my good friend Jesse Johnson. And we interview people about their biggest screw ups in life. It's a fun time. That's it. Yeah. Someone, I think, maybe confessed to what might have been a crime recently. Oh, no? Whoa.

Hey. You want to tease that a little more? What kind of crime are we talking? So he was talking about how he was trying to get pussy after a show. Oh, this is not going to be a fun one or a really bad one? This might not be a very funny kind of a crime. It's something maybe Keith can relate to. Okay, so Nicole just told the rest of that story. We just had to edit out.

So that was why there was an edit point there. But the rest of the stories are mostly very like you screw up. The point of the podcast is you screw up and then you forgive yourself and you move on. Usually it makes you

a better person or it brings you to where you are today, but that one might have been a crime. That is definitely a crime. What is this might of? Yeah. That's really not an okay thing to do. Where is the gray area

in that sea of blackness? But you turned out okay. This is debatable. Oh good, the Twitch is back. Anyway, that's it for me, boys. Maybe cut that out. Listen to Scrooge's podcast. Yeah, do that.

Yeah. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.