Mean Boys - EP 199 - Double College (feat. Katy French & Jonathan Rowell)

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

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Hey everybody, welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. We're back. We're here. Yep. We're doing it. Brand new episode With Katie French and Jonathan Rau, two of the funniest damn people we know. Check out their web series Living with Jonathan and Katie It's on YouTube. They interview all kinds of crazy people. Very cool shit This is a fun episode man. It was fun to all be together again. Yeah, no, I haven't podcast with you guys in a couple weeks Yeah, it was good to have everyone back in the back in the trap. Same old business as usual. Jump on our Patreon if

you haven't already. Five dollars a month. Get your weekly bonus content. I think we're all done talking about Connor's dump at this point. Yeah, I think we've

run out of steam on the epic diarrhea. So we'll be talking about something else soon. I'll take another one. Ten bucks a month gets you monthly goodies. We are currently in the process of figuring out the goody from last month and this month.

We'll have that up shortly. We've been busy with the new job, but it is coming. Bear with us. What else? Jump on the subreddit and the Discord. Yep. Mingle with your fellow Mean Boys fans. See what everybody's getting up to.

Follow us on Twitter and Instagram. Twitter, Instagram, all that good shit. At Mean Boys Podcast. What else? Let us know if you want us to come to your city. Yeah, we have a tour sheet up. Check that out. Tell us where to go. If you've already filled out the tour sheet, don't fill it out

again. I've had a couple people ask me that. If you're on there, you're on there. It's the same kind of rolling tour sheet. We know you're there. Other than that, I think we're good to go, unless I'm missing anything. No. Let's kick back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode with Jonathan Rowe and Katie French. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Poop is weakness leaving the butthole.

I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpad. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Jonathan Raul. And my pussy is called the Yarn Cave. What? I don't get it. I just thought to myself that Katie's so white, I want to call her vagina the yarn cave.

Wow, you set it up well. You're the most personal slave of all time. What's sad is I thought about that like two months ago, and I was like, I've got to save that. You know what? Thank you. I agree. That was mean because you channeled my essence and didn't even credit me.

So she keeps yarn inside her pussy? No, I don't know. I'm such a white woman that I craft. It's not meant to be thought about this much. She makes yarn. Oh, also my name is Katie French. I don't know if we said that. Oh, that's not important.

It's yarn pussy. Yeah, yarn pussy. Wow. God, I'm going to be unraveling that for a while. I liked it. I liked it. I liked that. I liked that cue.

There we go. Okay, there we go. I love when you frown at me so loud it picks up on a microphone. We're so dabby, guys, though. You guys are the hosts of Living with Katie and Jonathan? Living with Jonathan and Katie. Jonathan and Katie. Jonathan and Katie. Yeah.

I will say I'm very excited that the mean boys have the mean girls on for once. That's true. But I feel like a sweet little deer right now. I don't know. I just... I know you are by far the kindest-eyed person who's ever been in this house. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. So you're going to leave a white streak in your hair like you saw if you were evil? I've never felt like Jonathan gave off a vibe of kindness. No, Ice Queen, yeah. One of the least inviting people

I've ever met in my life. You know what's weird though? I do feel like comics who are like more at like my time in comedy or younger think I'm mean

and everyone who's like older than me thinks I'm super sweet. But it's not anything I do. I never suck up to people. I just feel like... Wow, way to big time me subtly.

Comedians on my level always think I'm an asshole. Well, you know what I mean. Time-wise. Really successful, smart, handsome, talented comedians. They tend to think I'm just a doll. You know what? It's because those guys don't really know me. They come up and say, oh, dear.

You really tried to pull it out. This is the classic go-to line of a difficult person. You're the only person I've met who said that they're very nice while petting themselves, which you were doing just a second ago. Become your own person. It's like you've become your own

supervillain cat. Like, yeah, you didn't have a cat to stroke While explaining yourself to us So you're just like my arm will suffice It's cause I gained weight recently In the past year and so my arms are like Fatter now and so I'm just Marvelous I'm marveled by it

More meat You're enjoying just like One of those fancy pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond With the beads inside Just stroking You don't really look thicker than you just like one of those fancy pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond with the beads inside. Just stroking. Yeah, just stroking. Have you ever squeezed?

You don't really look thicker than you typically do. Were you like ripped before? I was in good shape for a little bit. I say he was in AIDS shape because you looked like you were... That's how gaunt you were. No, in pictures

from just two years ago, I feel like I could be like on Nickelodeon or Disney Channel because I looked so like... A little funny way to all about tragedy. And what happened? The Will & Grace reboot just two years ago, I feel like I could be on Nickelodeon or Disney Channel because I looked so thin. A little buddy with jawbones and tragedy. And what happened?

The Will & Grace reboot didn't live up to expectations? Or did it all go downhill? Did you get bit by Guy Branum? There was a point of me that I was getting so fat earlier in my career where Guy started to give me

advice. Your long, long story and career. No, but you know what i mean much more prestigious when you go to meet a guy at the gym and he actually wants you to just do gym stuff yeah he's like i need to work out let's get kinky i want to watch you jog but thank you for saying that i don't look fatter no but what happened what i got in a relationship and i'm happy. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that'll do it, man.

Yeah. I feel like two days after I got into a relationship, my chin just doubled up again. Yeah. Whereas Connor's girlfriends start eating disorders immediately. The women I date are like that. Women spend more than three hours in the big town. Yes. Oh, no.

Oh, believe me, a personality. Yeah. Geez. The boy told the blogosphere gets a hold of this. Oh no I don't Oh believe me A personality Jeez No The boy told the blog His fear gets a hold of this I couldn't think of A fancy word That meant wrong rumor

Yeah Dissidious Is that one Yeah that sounds right Slander Yeah yes You look thinner Than a few years ago

I feel like a few years ago You were trying to get Like ripped I was Yeah I weighed probably About 40 pounds less Than I did Two few years ago. I feel like a few years ago you were trying to get ripped. I weighed probably about 40 pounds less than I did two, three years ago. All muscle, all gone. I got sad and poor

and now I'm just clinging. You're currently at the weight class of the guy who gets sand kicked in his face in an old Superman ad. Yeah, yeah. I moved out of my parents' house and I just ate peanut butter out of the jar for the last three years or whatever

and stopped going to the gym. You're amazing. You look the same as when I first met you because you were 15 when I met you, I think. Yeah, yeah. 15 or 16. I'll tell this story. This is at Max Bloom's.

A young 15-year-old, Connor McSpadden, comes up to me and you were like... I wouldn't have been that quite. I was 16 probably. 16, there you go. you go oh sorry big difference uh and he came up and he complimented a joke of mine and i was like oh are you interested in stand-up and he was like yeah and i was like you should do it and i've regretted that ever since did that really did you say you should do yeah it was my i was already gone on you guys were outside talking to you know you're networking yeah i love a network you're hobnobbing with dave nunez yeah it is so funny you probably the same thing i do where

cotter is the only friend i have who i have watched go through puberty as an adult yeah no i've had a lot of different eras it's only your hair length that shows me how old you are Because it was long when you started You were like a little mop head I've considered going back You played bass in one of those A band that would open for the killers Totally

My hair won't get long It just continues to get curlier the longer it gets Your hair has descended into madness You have too much hair and are balding continues to get curlier the longer it gets. Your hair has descended into madness. You have too much hair and are balding. Do I look like I'm balding? Dude, you have three widow's peaks. I don't even know where your fucking forehead is right now.

Yeah, and it just all poofs out in the back like a founding father. Yeah, no, I told you guys, that's what happens to the back. It's exactly like your comedy. A lot of volume and it doesn't make sense. You look like you're in a wind tunnel constantly. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't know what to do about it. Get a haircut.

It's curly on top, but it's straight in the back. That's interesting. Yeah, no, it's not a good interesting. It also like the reverse moment. Yeah, yeah, it's very. And it only curls in. It doesn't curl out. It only curls towards me. Like the hair's going back into the body.

You have a fucking briar patch. Yeah. Well, the hair is trying to attack you. You know, it's like. It's trying to dig your brain out. Yeah. We will cleanse this place. Yeah.

I don't know what to do with it. I also was bald like two months ago. So I don't know what the fuck. It was probably like three months ago. Yes, that's how I remember you. You shaved your head, right? Yeah, yeah. I was doing a weird discipline thing.

About what? I had to have hair until he weighed a certain amount. Yeah, it works. You got a lot of pomade, but pomade usually is used to dictate a direction, whereas you've gone with bedhead pomade. No, this is... You look like a bitmoji. This is a sex... Was it by accident? Yeah.

You look slippery. Yes, it is true. I was able to get this organized. I went to a wedding. Organized. It's called conehead. I just know. I organized my hair. You fucking conehead. For's called cone head. I just, you know, I organize my hair. You fucking cone head. For a wedding in Chicago.

I have a junk drawer for a skull. And I wore a suit, and I thought the suit would, like, I'd look nicer. I mean, it was of armor. Me in nice clothes, it really just looks like I'm faking it. It looks like you stole them. Yeah, it doesn't look like I belong in nice. You in nice clothes looks like? The caddy in Happy Gilmore, where it's clearly a homeless guy.

Yeah, that's exactly what it looked like. You know how many people asked me how I knew the bride and groom, and I was like, I'm related to them. Well, they've already dialed 911. They were waiting for a red flag. It was like a golf course, too. There is a guy posted up like a secret service agent where the crab

cakes come out and he seems to be lost. Yeah, it was it was it was you look lost in your own room where you

live. Well, yeah, I mean, that is if you were to design a place called lost. Yeah, I've never once

seen it. What did you think that bed was for? I thought it was for like a cat. Wow. Like a cat you guys feed.

I mean, you're not technically wrong. I'm feral-ish. Tom Shed's a lot more than a cat. I've never seen you in a place where I'm like, wow, that's where that guy goes. I've never been like, ah, yeah, look at you fitting in. You're the anti-Waldo. Where like anywhere you are, you're the anti-Waldau where like anywhere you are you're the immediate thing yeah no that experiment was

proven correct when we saw historical roast yes yeah Tom's in a crowd shot and it's like even if you did no idea who he was and someone was like like just pick point to one person in this picture it could be anyone it's obvious oh fucking that guy it's why I've never tried to get extra

work. If I was an extra on a horror movie, they'd be like, what the fuck is the guy at the coffee counter doing? What if they add that guy in and post for some reason? That is one of my favorite things. If you take an edible, get high, and look for

extras in movies, they need to be like popcorn movies, like 13 going on 30, and you look for the extra in the background who is just trying to get noticed yeah popping over jennifer garner oh just making like wide-eyed state like whatever they're talking about in the background jonathan was in a film out on stage that was all gay comics like a gay comic special and um i was there at the filming and i got more stage time than any of the other comics oh some of the cutting to me even at like they filmed it in two segments and i wasn't even there it's okay to laugh at this white ladies look it was like no it was like there were they filmed two different shows and one of them i wasn't even in and they just kept cutting to me

yeah at that one too no it was i also was just smiling and winking at the camera. No, they also cut to Alan Strickland Williams in the audience a lot. He was not in it. He was in the audience. And some of the gay comics in the movie were barely in it.

Like, literally a joke. Like, 20 seconds. But yet... It would cut to me for 20 seconds of laughing. Getting full on Spanish. I'm using it as a credit. Wow.

I want to. This was like a stand-up showcase movie? It was crazy. It was a movie featuring only gay and lesbian comics and it was in theaters for one day. It was one of those things you see the trailer for before the trailer starts?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. After the commercial for the opera. I wouldn't be surprised if they played it after a movie where there was a long time between show timers. Yeah, it was in for the opera. I wouldn't be surprised if they played it after a movie where there was a long time between show timers. Yeah. It was in for one day. Now it's on Amazon.

So what did the box office was like $1,400? Oh, I'm shocked. If that. I mean, but it was crazy. It got a crazy wide release. Like it was in so many theaters. I was in Chicago at the time. I went and saw it.

Yeah. And texted him. I wanted to go when it came out, but it was only out for a fucking day. Yeah, I know. How many people were in your screening? Maybe like 20 or 25. But we tell everybody in front knew one of the comics. Yeah.

One of the other ones. Yeah. It was a bringer movie. That's the only reason those Avengers movies keep making money. Robert Downey Jr. has a lot of friends. He's really good. But I feel like they should have asked you. They had not one bisexual person there.

Well, they never do. Well, it's not real. But they also didn't have any trans people. It was like literally all gay guys and three lesbians. Katie had a point there that I want to come back to. So they're like, we're taking comedy seriously. It's still way too many men. No, one of the producers before, comics kept saying like, is it all gay guys?

And so they were like, oh, we have to. And that's why certain lesbians are in the film. Because everyone was like, it's just all dudes. Like, it's going to be the same thing. I always feel weird as the bi guy. I'm like, I've done a bunch of like, pride shows or whatever. And I always feel like, I'm just like, I don't know. I feel like you're all gayer than me. And I

can feel that judgment coming off of people sometimes. Yeah. Older gay people. Yeah. You know what I mean, I'm saying, I don't know what to do for you guys. Cause I think gay guys feel like maybe it's unfair, but I feel like gay guys feel like you can always just go back to pussy. You know what I mean? Yeah.

If Dick doesn't work out. I totally get it. Right. And I have many times. My argument is always like, I didn't get, I didn't get half beat up for being queer. That is true.

We're both from Orange County. So, you know, nobody was like, well, we'll pull the punch on this one. Like, no, they're just like, none of that. And it's true, like, if you have any kind of like... He did that when he was 13 because he knew he'd get half a diversity showcase out of it. When his life had fallen apart and he got into stand-up comedy. Wait, do diversity showcases care about LGBT? I don't think they care. I'm as shit don't care about the B. Oh, yeah. I don't think they care about

four people that much. I'm a big old fat guy. It's lesbian, gay, beefy, trans. Beef-a-roni trans. I told this story at work today, but this is how lazy I've become with my comedy. I was this story at work today, but this is how lazy I've become

with my comedy. I was at Father's Day dinner with my whole family. I hate this. We had strawberry shortcake and I was putting whipped cream in the... out of the little can of my strawberry shortcake and I looked at my dad and I said, I feel like I'm Keith doing graffiti. I also... Go finish. Oh, you got one?

I do, with my dad. Damn, it wasn't on Father's Day. My dad loves bad jokes about you. It was months ago. I was walking around a Target with my dad, and there was a plus-size dummy and a two-piece. No. And my dad poised it and goes,

For Keith! What the fuck? I met your dad one time. Yeah, but I talk to you about you guys. My dad didn't even text me yesterday. Hey, Keith, if it makes you feel any better, the rest of my family also left. Wait, you should text your dad. My dad didn't call me for a good 25 years.

I feel like I'm letting him have the ball in his court for a minute. Well, if he didn't call, then he doesn't deserve it. Well, you're invited to the next Father's Day. What's up? You want to come hang out with us next Father's Day? I sure don't. Oh, I was going to say, we didn't mention this either, but I am also. My dad also thinks he's fat.

Oh, I know. Well, my dad is fat. Is he fat? So is Tom's dad. I always pictured your dad like a gaunt wolf. Oh, why? Well, my dad is fat. Is he fat? So is Tom's dad. I always pictured your dad like a gaunt wolf. No. Wow. An opie smoky.

Yeah. Yeah. But no, but just related to your friend that I am also Tom's mom's favorite comic. Every time she sees Katie, she goes, why don't you do jokes more like Katie? Katie, that almost sounds like an insult. Like, that's not a good thing. I'm Tom's mom's favorite. It's the only credit I have.

She talks about dancing on the maypole and stuff like that. My mom's like, you did that stuff too. Why don't you talk about it? She makes it so funny. What is a maypole? What caucasian is it? I wasn't paying attention. It is a tradition in Scandinavia and Northern Europe.

It's a fertility symbol and ritual on May Day. Perfect for kids. There's a giant, yeah, there's a giant dick. No, it's a giant pole and there's ribbons around it. And then you, like, run, you hold a ribbon and you, like, weave it around the pole. Which sounds like a major euphemism. So it's just boring tetherball. Yes, exactly, exactly.

Imagine if they got 40 children to knit together around what are you doing your ribbony ass pull when you're done you you're wearing dresses while yeah and like garland like have you seen the trailer for that movie midsummer yes that was my childhood that was the one that looks like a creepy white cult in scandinavia yes that was. They're doing it during it. Yeah. Yeah. Haven't white people realized we have no good traditions yet?

I know. We have no fun with paying in the 4th of July food, like deviled eggs and shit for the Easter, the quiche. I'm catching on to the bird scooter. The bird scooter's a flag day. That's really it. No, the Japanese start flag day. I'm trying to think of one.

I mean, even Fourth of July, I never give a fuck about fireworks. Even as a young, exploding, I mean, repurposing them for, like, you know, DIY ISIS shit, sure. But, like, just looking at them. ISIS is already pretty DIY. To have fun with, like, a consumer-level firework, you've got to strap it to the back of your scooter with duct tape and pretend it's rocket-powered. You've really got to get creative. It all is shit. We have no fun thing to hang our hat.

There's no, oh, you guys dress up like fucking skeletons. Awesome. That would be great. Who, goths? We spend less money on mattresses. No, but Mexicans, my family's Mexican, they love fireworks. Yeah? They love them the most.

We can tell. I said that like I'm informing you. There were fucking dueling banjos of different illegal fireworks happening on every side of our house. Especially in this neighborhood. When you hear two pops, it's fireworks. One, that's a gunshot. It's better than the normal soundtrack of roosters and domestic violence happening next door.

I'll take it. Yeah, that domestic violence is a bummer. Cue the Seinfeld music. What a bummer. It's a real... I know, it's like, keep it down. It's my least favorite alarm clock. Is that...

And I frequently wake up by taking a big shit about four feet away from Tom's head. Why don't you use the other bathroom? I never understand why no one shits in the other bathroom. I shit in the other bathroom. I think me and you are the only people who shit in the other bathroom. I mean, that's a lot of pressure to put on the other bathroom. I don't know. Sometimes you're just not up to an away game.

Can we get some sort of jug for you to shit in? Could that be the next method of yourself? I don't like that the answer wasn't immediately no. I know. He's thinking about it. I've been working the logistics on this for some time, trying to make the numbers add up. And I just don't know. Like, you know,

Kramer and the recycling scam in New Jersey. It's tough to get it all working. You know what I mean? I'm just saying, if I get like a trash bag with the comic you hate's face on it, will you start shitting in it? I have no enemies. How dare you? Who do you guys hate? I don't really... Mostly ourselves. Myself, yeah.

I was going to say, we can tell you who hates you. I'll tell you exactly who I hate. Connor and Tom's dads. Who hates us? Fucking model airplanes McGee and Mr. Fatty Obedkin. He can both fuck off. I think you're misremembering how fat my dad is. I'm being mean

because he was mean to me. I know how fat he is. He was being funny. He likes you guys. I'm not really mad, Tom. I do this every week. I'm just like, you know, he's a fan. My likes you guys. I'm not really mad to do this every week. Yeah. No, I'm just like, you know, he's a fan. My dad fucking hates your guts. He thinks you suck at comedy.

He's got a lot of thoughts on your weight. I'll tell you that. Your dad sucks at having a kid. Wait a minute, wait, wait. Your dad actually thinks he sucks at comedy? No. Oh, okay. You fucking idiot.

I thought. I don't know. What's your dad's opinion on us he loves you guys he's a big listener he loves us he raised prices in his neighborhood

wait who hates us no no no I'm just totally kidding oh son of a bitch it's just us but no now that we have you in a corner

tell us physically in a corner it was actually a power move I was like are they gonna give us the nice chairs no they're gonna give us these chairs in a corner. It was actually a power move. I was like, are they going to give us the nice chairs? No, they're going to give us these chairs in the corner. Stick us in.

You know, the rickety bundle of sticks next to all the spiders. For my money, Katie has the most comfortable chair. And you, Mr. Prissy, you took a long time to make a decision, so you got stuck with a bad chair. I was waiting for someone to pull out my chair for me. That's what I was waiting for. I know. I'm not going to. Jonathan is a Mexican-American prince. Do you know that?

Yeah, I'm a map. I'm a map, bitch. Map. You should have found yourself a map to a better chair. You know, map was... That was in the... That was the silent laugh. I guess map was supposed to be code for come. In what?

In the Pizzagate emails. That was the code the Pizzagate guys worked out. And they're like, well, map clearly means come. And I'm like, what? Oh, in the... How? The pedophile rings?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pedophile code. You gotta locate how to make them jizz them? I don't understand. Do not ever refer to jizz them as a verb. I'll say that.

Because jizz, when you jizz, it can look like a road. I see. Yeah. It's kind of vague. Jizz, it is a road. It's a map.

A tile on your lower back. Yeah. It can look like a road. Yeah. Wow, that's what... Wow. The devil's cartography. Look, Burbank.

Depending how far... We've talked about this before, whether you were a shooter or a dribbler, and I remember you said you were a dribbler. I'm a dribbler, yeah. You're a dribbler this before Whether you were a shooter Or a dribbler And I remember you said You were a dribbler I'm a dribbler, yeah Are you a shooter?

You know what, it depends on Are you Steph Curry in the bench? I can shoot My boyfriend can really shoot Really? Yeah, I thought I was a shooter Tom is notorious for his jets I mean, this is one of the first hits

One of the first hits We ever had on the podcast Where I was driving This was before the podcast It was, yeah We were driving to a gig And he started talking and was like,

yeah, I come really far. And I was like, how far? And he was like, I actually came in my own face one time, you know? And I was like, wow. And he goes, yeah, I got jets. Like that was something

we all say. You know what's been said? It's been many more times since then. You've come in your own face? Yeah, yeah. Even recently. What is the,

is there a mechanism that makes it more or less? Just more heart. Yeah, there's a spring. Is there a mechanism that makes it more or less? Just more heart. If you're truly soulful, you can hit whatever face you wish to. Love of the game. If you can lift Thor's hammer, you can. I don't know how, but I have been with a guy where I saw it just so hard into his eyes. So hard.

It was painful. Oh, my God. Yours or his? No, his. On himself. Oh, like he just popped hard into his eyes. So hard. It was painful. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, the time. Yours or his? No, his. On himself. Oh, like he just popped in his own face. He popped in his own face. And it was like, yeah.

And I could tell he wanted to, like, cry. Fucking JFK'd himself. Yeah. Blew his head off. It's not easy to squirt Cobain. What's embarrassing is when a girl asks, like, and she's laughing at you, and she's like, has that ever happened to you before?

You gotta go, yeah, a bunch of times yeah i got a protocol this is the most i've ever made like just try it you're still special i did uh i did fucking i did finally come on my own face recently yeah yeah i was laying down and i can't come from having sex and the girl was like i I feel bad, just jack off. And I'm like, I don't like doing that. It makes me uncomfortable. And she's like, I just do it. So I was like, okay. And I was jacking off and like, I don't know, I guess I think I like pressed up against her while I was coming and then just like the

friction or whatever. It's like when you put your thumb on a water hose, you know? And I was just like, oh man, now my mouth is wet. Oh, Jesus. So I wiped it on her shoulder. No, and I just, and then I had to go to the bathroom. So you can't come through sex? I've done it maybe ten times in my whole life.

Huh. Damn, that is depressing. I just remembered this detail. You guys ever kick your shin on a stool while there's cum on your face and you're looking for a towel? You ever turn into all three of the stooges? You describe sex

like you're a frightened horse. Yeah, that's accurate. You ever kick over a lantern and burn down the whole city of Chicago? You ever actually put your head under a lampshade

and run in circles because you came once? You ever realize you can only count by stomping? You guys like carrots I don't know I feel bad

I feel bad Whenever the podcast gets bad And someone's stuck in a corner I'm like this is weird What we're doing is mean It's okay I'm happy to be here You've never came in your own face

No never Oh was Katie stuck in a corner Cause she is A woman A woman Yes Yes got it Nevermind I support you your own face. No, never. Oh, was Katie stuck in a corner there? Because she is a woman? A woman, yes. Never mind. I support you. Thank you. Allies. Ally corner. I'm in the corner, too.

You are not. You know, we're all in your corner. There's a corner right here. There's so many corners. Tom, you're not counting corners in the box. I'll count wherever the fuck I want to. I'll stop my way through it. Not a new segment of the show.

Tom's corner corner is not happening. Tom attempts to understand a room. Tom just discovered geometry. Okay, that's like 80 degrees, but I'm going to count that one. You see where a wall hits the other wall That's where the magic happens Hey everybody Keith from Mean Boys here We'll be back with the episode in just a second

But I want to talk to you guys about something If you're like us you live somewhere that smells like Sheer human waste 24 hours a day Yeah we don't clean And I am like us Between Connor's anal productions The underside of my stomach and whatever Tom is, the smells in here are egregious. And we need something to cover up those smells.

And we're not the kind of guys to go out and buy cologne. No. We're not the kind of guys to invest in our own well-being. No, we're not. And it's also a thing of, you know, have you ever bought cologne in your life, Tom? I have not. Okay. Have you bought soap in your life? No, I've seen. And it's also a thing of, you know... Have you ever bought cologne in your life, Tom? I have not. Okay. Have you bought soap in your life?

No, I've seen Tom buy vape juice from a homeless man. That he buys. He did spray it over his body, presumably to ward off other homeless people. Yeah, or spirits. I don't know what his beliefs entail. Yeah. But no, here's the... Dude, I've bought cologne because I went through a period as like a...

Ha-ha! It's me, the Sidberg. I'm kidding. Son of a bitch. I was very excited. Oh, no, I bought cologne because I went through a period as a fan. It's me, the Sidberg. I'm kidding. Son of a bitch. I was very excited. Oh, no, I'm not. You think I'm putting that much energy into the show? You don't know me.

But no, man, I used to buy cologne when I was younger. The problem is you go buy it and you sort of forget about it. You end up with like a half a bottle and you get bored of it, so you keep buying them. You have like half full bottles. It's bullshit because you always get more than you need. It's like whiskey well i don't think you've ever had an empty or a not empty bottle of whiskey i don't okay that's yeah that one when you set up for you to say words when you used to live in a closet that was one of your three possessions i only remember them when they're half full all right this, this is some sort of weird Mikowski optimism.

This is Tom writing this on a poster with a cat hanging from a wire. Yeah, we need more dark tableaus in your ad copy. Anyway, the point is, there's a great service that actually sponsors this show inexplicably called Scentbird. With Scentbird, we found a way to have great taste and mix up our fragrance routine, which we clearly have. Yes, as you can tell, the analytics are so good, they found a way to have great taste and mix up our fragrance routine, which we clearly have. As you can tell, the analytics are so good, they've been able to figure out that we have one of the stinkiest listenerships in all of podcasting. Males 18 to 35, putrid. Yeah, they've tracked our fecal demographic.

Yeah. But no, it's fucking dope. It's a luxury fragrance subscription service for perfumes and colognes. So they have 450 designer brands for you to choose a perfume or cologne from each month. So we're talking Prada, Tom Ford, Versace. These are all rich guy shit. Gucci, Calvin Klein. And here's what you do.

You pick the one you want to try. They send you a 30-day supply. It's 120 sprays. It's the perfect amount because you know in 30 days if you like the way it smells or if you want to mix it up. Yeah. Yeah. And in a pinch, you can get drunk. Yeah.

You know? If you don't like the first five sprays, drink the rest of that shit. Ride the walrus, dude. You save those for the divorce. Yeah. You know? But no, it's fucking great. And look, we use this.

I use this. Do you know how hard? It is summertime in Los Angeles. My body is attracting ants like a decaying orange. Yeah. Like, I need something to over... And I don't even... Vultures are following around like Pokemon Yellow.

Dude, I sweat so much, it's like showering doesn't even work. I have to just apply different layers of flavored oils like a fucking Egyptian mummy. Yeah. Like, to try and cover the scent of death. He has to embalm himself with... It's coming out of my gut. And they are giving me high-quality oils. No one can tell I'm rotting from the inside.

Oh, yeah. I mean, people are still sitting next to him at work. It's wild. Yeah, that guy smells like Calvin Klein and not just a pizza that was abandoned by its family. That guy smells like a hotter guy. Yeah, he smells like a normal person. I even said when I first saw you, you're like, you're walking with more swagger lately.

Yeah, that's the thing. I feel confident because I know I smell good. Yeah. And people are like, if you smell good, you should be allowed to have opinions and vote and shit. Right. Now, if only they get a cologne for your breath. You know, I think if you keep this up, you might find a girlfriend. Yeah. To the time machine.

Now, here's the thing. If you don't know. A better girlfriend. Sorry, Jordan. Tom, do you know... If I told you to go buy cologne for yourself right now, would you know what to do? No. What do you think Tom would come back for?

I don't even know what store... He wouldn't even be able to... I'd end up with 50 spare crickets in a bag. You'd come back with a dead bird in your teeth, like a cat who's eager to please its owners. But you don't have to fucking know shit, dude. There are user ratings and reviews. That's our endorsement. You don't even have to fucking know shit, dude.

I just sneezed and all the snot in the world came out of my nose. Well, thank God you still smell like a fucking rose. I can't smell it because there's a lot of goo coming out of my head, but it's probably good. They have ratings. They have reviews on every fragrance. Check this out. You can take Scentbird's True Scent Quiz to discover more personalized recommendations for your taste.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it seems like something you want to do. What if you don't have any taste and smell yet? Then I don't know. They'll send you a fucking bottle. Like a sample box? Yeah, they'll send you the Armenian Delight. All right.

They'll fucking let you figure it out. The point is that Scentbird rules. It's a really cool fucking sponsor. I can't believe they sponsor this show. And we have an exclusive offer just for our listeners. You can get 50% off your first month today. It's only $7.50 for your first fragrance. All you got to do, you go to scentbird.com slash mean and use our code mean, M-E-A-N, for 50% off your first month. So again, that's S-C-E-N-T-BIRD.com slash MEAN

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And smell like a ninja. Scentbird.com. Sign on. Smell amazing, everybody. And now back to this conversation about poop or cum or whatever we're doing here. Yeah. Wow.

I wanted to ask this earlier. In the gay movie... I thought you were about to say, in the gay movement. We're equal to be a movie. What did the gay comedians do? They did comedy They did sets They did comedy sets

You know like more than half of them Kyle Shire was in it Oh you thought it was like Not a stand up movie but it was just a comedy I thought it was stand up comedians In a road trip movie Or a documentary or something No stand ups can't act-up comedians in a scripted movie. Yeah, like a documentary or something. No, stand-ups can't act.

The gay comedians of comedy. I really do feel that way. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. No, it was just like they would put on a little director's clap clap thing, you know? And they'd be like, HIV. And then we would all do jokes about HIV. And then they would do like straight people.

And then we'd all do jokes about straight people. It was like that. We didn't know that it was edited to be that way. Okay, I was going to say, did they tell you to edit it? No. We'd be putting you in a box as a minority. Yeah, true. You guys made jokes about it?

Yeah, it was literally like pride. And then we just like, you saw a bunch of us edit it. We just showed up and did sets at a normal place. Right, and then you're running away to Bill's. Yeah. They had made like at this studio in Burbank a makeshift like

the studio to look like a comedy club. So we just went up and did a set and that was it. Yeah. Yeah. And then it was edited

to be like these are all our jokes on that. Yeah. It was fun but it was It was great. Yeah. I enjoyed it. Yeah.

Watch it guys. It's on live streaming on Amazon. I'm super dark in it because I was I was I do look like a different person almost because I'm so skinny and super dark in it because I was, I was, I do look like a different person almost because I'm so skinny and so brown in it because I was.

Oh, I thought you meant your material. No, I was actually like. I thought you were talking about your comedy. Yeah, very, very dark. I feel like you fluctuate though. I want to pull it up. I do. I don't know, is it super Mexican and then sort of half and half?

Right, right, right. I feel like a lot of times you just look like a Spanish knight because your hair is like very curly and. Thank you so much. I know. Right, right, right. I feel like a lot of times you just look like a Spanish knight because your hair's like very curly and... Thank you so much. I know. But the coccucino is sweating. Yeah, coccucino, yeah.

Depending on the time of year. Whenever someone has like good haired, like they look good haired. He's back to the hair. I do think you... Oh, I don't know. It does...

That's how bad the hair is. Like a person just gave up on fixing it. Well, because you did say, yeah. There is no eye queer enough. The queer eye is shut. Shave your head. How do you open your queer eye? Come in your queer eye.

Queer eye has that guy, Anthony, who's like bi. Which one is he? He's the one who makes like guacamole with sour cream in it. Oh, on Queer Eye. Yeah, yeah. Anthony's bi?

Yeah, he's like bi. He's like one of those people that's like women, yes, men, yes, but don't label me, so bi. I didn't know this. He's not labeling himself,

but it's bi. Right, but that's what it is. Have some calls to make, no. Hey, Anthony, we'll do it for you, sister. You are bi, all right? You're you, sister. You are bi, alright? You bi bitch. But would you do that

if someone, like, if they offered, like, a recasting of a new Queer Eye, like, if they were like, we need a bi guy, what would you do? What part of Keith's life

would you do? I don't know. What is he improving? Looks like you don't know how to overdraft your bank account. You temporarily borrowed $300.

I could at best do Queer Eye for the on the run from the law. Let's start a $300. I could at best do Queer Eye for the on the run from the law. Let's start a new show. I could do Moderately Fabulous while also making food that they make in prison.

Keats could have a new show called The Queer Eye Patch where he just goes and ruins people's lives. Everybody shut up. It's called Poor Eye for the Fat Guy. Keats teaches you

how to be shockingly clean, horny, and efficient with less than $300 a month. You should actually shoot that sketch where you are the fifth queer eye guy. And you come in to try to help someone, and they're just so shocked. I thought you were going to just show me how to wear capris or whatever. You just keep saying, I'm bi.

I'm bi, okay? And then you just keep doing it. I'm bi. It's fine. Listen, you can make anything an ashtray if you believe in it. All right, guys. With the CVS receipt and all your old cigarette butts, you can make one pretty bad cigarette to hold you over until you steal some more. I don't know what I would teach anyone.

I would do a Queer Eye reboot in a heartbeat. That would be amazing. They just became like celebrity, like instant celebrities. They move the fuck up. Yeah. These are guys who are not. I was working on a show and they're like, we can't get them. And everybody wants them.

What? Yeah, we can't get the queer eye guys. My mom is a fan of the queer eye guys. And my mom is not a particular fan of this queer guy. Yeah. But what's weird is a lot of them didn't have, they're not actually like that occupation that they're on the show. Like that guy, he's not like a cook. So these people got like mega famous for not actually being, like that they're on the show. Like that guy. He's not like a cook. Right.

So these people got like mega famous for not actually being like they were cast to be a thing. So they're faking. They're saying they're faking. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So like they're the figurehead and then they have like some real guy who knows how to cook in the background or are they just – I don't know.

They're all straight in the background. Honestly, it's only the bi guy that is on – Okay. Because everybody else actually does their thing. I don't know why. It's only the bi guy. Because again, they're always faking it. Hey, man.

Gigs are gigs. The bi guy didn't – the cook. Yeah. He doesn't – I only seen a couple episodes. But every time everyone else is like changing the house and giving them clothes and he's like, here's celery with peanut butter. Right. That's the whole shit.

Yeah. Here's some ants on a log and someone changes everything. Yeah. A fucking Taco Bell thing. I don't know why I'm bagging on Queer Eye and Pride Month,

but I just, I don't know. That's equality. Yeah. I bombed at a Pride show and I feel like that was homophobic. I did a Pride show and like walking in, the first thing I see is like right in the middle of WeHo.

And it's just a billboard with just a Pepsi logo, but it's done in rainbows. I'm like, oh, man, this sucks. It's cool that they're on board, I guess, but all the punk rock has been drained out of it. Yeah, absolutely. And also, I bom bomb did a pride show and the audience was all straight i don't know why that made it worse no i totally get that i don't know why yeah oh but they liked all the other comics so it was definitely me right at the end of the pride i don't know well do you have the thing because i i i'm a big fan

of your stand-up i like you a lot but you have a thing where it's like you feel like sometimes audiences come to a queer show and they want a very specific kind of queer, like they want this sort of very like, very twinkie kind of over the top kind of, they want Yas Queen at the address. I say Rainbow Minstrelsy. Yeah.

Jonathan is not your gay best friend because he's not your friend. You know? My favorite queer comics are people who are also kind of villains you know yes i like me i like you yeah sheik joe dash yeah dude so you're like oh that guy would beat me up because that is who we always were we were the villains who had no sexuality but really we were gay as fuck you know dance for straight women right i just don't want to do it right but also

i feel that way especially like just in being successful in the industry like they do want a specific type of queer guy and it's like super young super twinkie super like a certain way and i don't know it's not even a feminine thing because there are like feminine dudes who don't exactly look like that and they still are having trouble. It's like, it's a way your body looks. That's what they're looking for. It's still superficial in every other element of this industry. Right, right, right.

If you find love and get fat, then all of a sudden you're out. If I were bi in that body, I would be rich enough to never speak to any of you again. Yeah. You would already have a special out on it. I would argue that. All Keith just playing the long con.

I would argue that all of you are rich enough to never talk to me again. You're right. I do have $9. He's trying to carve himself a slice of this boy pussy. He's been trying for years, but the lid to the box is closed. I can't literally just be in you and just ride you like Yoda to success. That's not how it works. You could if you had a webcam.

Do you know I tried to be a gay webcam model for an afternoon? Oh, you totally have that look. For an afternoon. Yeah. Why one afternoon? You couldn't remember. What happened? Did you guys forget to pay the Wi-Fi?

No, this was like... He just lowers his pants. Loses connection. You can't be a cam boy on dial-up. I was like, man, I'm just sitting around jacking off, thinking about killing myself all day. I might as well get paid for it. And then I was like, oh God, jacking off is my job.

This is horrible. You don't want to mix business with pleasure like that. What was your name? Did you have a name? Twinker Bell. Get the fuck out. Did you show your face or did you just do that neck down bullshit? Oh, just the neck down. I still thought I was going to be famous.

Had you shown your face, you would have quadrupled your viewers. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I was pretty buff. Not buff, but I was at a nice little body at the time. A nice little supple frame that you could paint with your cum. Tom, I have a genuine question for you. How much would we have to pay you for you to be a gay cam model for a day?

I mean, let me think about it. I'd do it. I need the money. I don't have a fucking shame. You're a deep Kanami Twinkerbell, though. But also, you could earn money that way. Guys, this is a viable career. Even in the Disney theme.

Oh, I've thought about trying to go-go dance for one of those places. I don't give a shit. I need money. You could be like a... I don't know what your body looks like, but you could be like a bear. Did you say sour? I said it's sour. No, yeah, because I've been trying to explain this to him.

Gay commodity, like this whole situation. Oh, yeah. He could totally... Is he an otter. No, yeah, because I've been trying to explain this to him. Like, gay commodity. Like, this whole situation. Oh, yeah. He could totally. You could. Is he an otter? No, he's a cub. A cub.

A cub. Okay. Between cub and otter. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like all this dancing with the stars. Just. It's like we're bidding on a pedigree.

No, we're like his agents. I know. Literally. I'm like, I see this for you. The same scene was in the movie The Lobster I watched last night. You're a lobster. I'm a lobster. I don't know what you guys see, but I see four queens and one straight guy who's sitting on a gold mine.

Sounds like we've got ourselves a TV show. But I can't imagine, because the Go-Go Boys, when we go to the club, they're usually in a thong and Timberlands. Some version of that, right? I got Timberlands and Kika has thongs. But Katie, I don't usually bring you to where these types of go-go guys are going to be. I've been to them separately. That sounds so ominous because you can't be trusted. No, it's just bear events and cub events, to me, those are much more sexual.

Bears have no chill i mean i've been i've been here's why i imagine the humidity at these events once i came i went into the eagle um this is when i was single i went in and just the eagle is a local library yes yeah and it's like a gay leather bar um but you don't need to go in you don't need to be into leather and i went in and i just go up to a group of like older gay dudes because I was just trying to be brave and like oh make friends or whatever one of them immediately stuck his

hand down my pants and two fingers inside my butt and I like was kind of excited by it so I just let him stay there for the duration and then around and this was still at like seven in the summer so it's light so then of all these other dudes it's light out yeah already been figured

by yeah it was a summer yeah and so then his husband takes out his hard cock just right there and it was a it was pretty great and then then his husband's guy who he fucks around with but not in a relationship, whatever, he takes out his tiny little cock that is caged. It's like a chastity cage. It's like a plastic cage. So it's supposed to be the most flaccid it can possibly be. It looked painful because it was squished in there. It's like the opposite of a Wonder Ball.

What's a Wonder Ball? Those things that were like the candy with the prize in it. Oh, I thought that's where you put hamsters. The prize is bad. Right. No, no, no. But I don't know. Maybe it was good.

It was just meant to hurt him. It was like, we're going to squish your... Who would choose this? No, but he got off on just being like, look at me. My dick's in a cage. I can't get hard. And letting people see it. Okay.

Well, here's my question. I can't get hard. And letting people see it. Okay, well, here's my question. I don't like being touched. Oh, I mean, how are people going to give you money? Actually, Tom, you don't like making money. You don't like raking it in. You can put some duct tape over your butthole. Is that which one?

We're going to mighty punch you in the ass. I get gnarly fight and flighty when people start touching me and I can't see who it is. But what if it's with a five or a dollar or something? Because all they want to do is a dollar. I've never had a problem with money touching me. No, but if I put a dollar in your thong,

I want to stroke your thigh. That's what's going to happen. As long as I can see them. Yeah. Is when I can't see someone who's touching me where I start kicking. You're going to kick like a horse? Yeah.

Oh, I almost elbowed a dude in the head because he slapped my ass the other day. And then I was like, oh. At the Eagle? No. I was trying to put on my wiener cage and have a night on the town. At the carbon bar. He was a friend of mine. I turned around and fucking almost did a spitting back elbow into his fucking head.

I was watching Magic Johnson highlights, and he always would smack his teammates' ass after they made a good play. And I'm like, he's going to get me too. It was going to be Magic Johnson was not invited to slap these asses. What is it with straight guys and slapping other straight dudes' asses? I've always been not a fan of it. Yeah, I've never been into it myself. Okay, because to me, that was one of the most exciting things to see or happen to you. Oh, sure, yeah.

To, like, see. It was, like, I'm sure, like, what straight guys feel like when two, like, women start kissing or something. It was, like, oh, my God. Like, it was crazy. Like, if only it was for you, but you couldn't, like, let on that you were stoked on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and, like, you'd want to walk by and get slapped, but no one would slap me.

Well, dude, and Orange County is the fucking gay chicken capital of the world. It really is. Yeah, it was always just a bunch of bros pretending they were about to make out and like fake jerking each other. I'm like,

this is amazing. I had friends like, wouldn't it be funny if we like touched dicks? I'm like, it sure would, Chad. Yeah, you could almost just get almost fucking them,

but then just brush it off. Yeah, because you win every time and they'd be like, ah, you're the funniest guy here i'm like well that too but i grew up with like christian boys right before i like did not know men had penises till i was like 19 and like stopped hanging out with them that's really old i know because they were like so eight they were like so repressed and so asexual i was like men are great and then i was like oh no um but the first they would play a game where at like

a movie theater like one would go sit and they were trying to make each other sit in each other's laps. Oh, okay. Wait, wait, wait. The girls sit in the guys' laps? No, no, no. The guys sit in the guys' laps. If one was sitting down, the other one would hop in really quick and then he'd sit on his lap and then they'd be like,

Now, how did... Would that laugh one more time? Katie, how did we conquer anything with this kind of... What do you mean just white people what are the people amused by this everyone but this is white but you guys are the only ones who count as white we are the whitest all right i don't think that's up for debate fair enough i think that's just men right we're just dudes oh and one time i've never been into that stuff no one time i was uh sleeping we were all having like co-ed sleepovers because, again, they were like desexualized or like

neutered or whatever. And I woke up one night and then three of them were playing strip poker at 3 a.m. So they waited for the girl to fall asleep. Literally. And then I remember being like, oh, can I play? And they were like, um, I guess. Like they were so not into it. Three bitchy faggots.

And then literally like immediately. And then like so quickly quickly like they were just like they got stripped very quickly and then they were like you know we should just like run outside right now that'd be like crazy yeah and then i was like okay go ahead and they just did and came back and it was i was like had i not it was like a reverse like um sexual attack like i like woke up to them fucking each other not me yeah and your self-esteem is hurt? Yeah, I've been hurt ever since. The old backwards lacrosse maneuver. I just love picturing you being like,

and so I should get naked too, and you're just like lowering a blouse shoulder. And they just throw up. And she'd be like, absolutely not. Put your bonnet back on. What the fuck you guys were doing? In Christ's name. God help me.

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Quong. Oh, my God. We're going like 40 minutes. Should we get into some jokes? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Yeah, it's Mexican joke off time, guys. Ay, so topical.

Oh, my God, guys. Awkward possible. We all try and fight it. Yeah, I'll go first. I figure everyone's got an OJ's back on Twitter joke. Yeah. But I think he's going to be really good at it because that guy knows how to commit to a timeline.

You know? Okay. Should I go mine? Sure, yeah. What was it? Okay. O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this week to set the record straight

saying that he is not Khloe Kardashian's father. I don't know if he ever slept with Kris Jenner, but I'm guessing that was the first and last time he wore a glove. That's a good joke. Well, that means you're saying he didn't do it because he wore the gloves in the murder. So you're actually an OJ truther. Well, we started looking down the rabbit hole at work that his kid might have done it. Katie's also a flat earther.

Oh, no. And an anti-vaxxer. Yes. Okay, cool. Finishing out, I've Googled opinions. Yes. And I actually chose flat earther in my head

because I was like, anti-vaxxer would be too far. Hang on, I also want my children to die. I've heard like somebody smart say that they didn't think he could do it alone,

you know, the whole thing. Somebody in glasses told you that and you assumed it was smart. No, I just thought if someone's smart enough

and they say something, I go, all right, all right, I'll probably ride with that. You sound like you know what you're talking about. Yeah, but I've never really looked into it. Tom, you're up. Okay.

Ariana Grande left an open seat for Mac Miller at her concert. That's embarrassing. Somebody should tell her he's not coming. That is so good. Wow. That is great. I was not trying to just clench up at this. That is so good. That is great. I started trying to just quench up at this. That is so good.

Oh, no. A gunman opened fire in a crowded Costco. Or as the NRA put it, Smith and Wesson has given out free samples. By the way, the irony is that it probably took way more paperwork to get the Costco membership than it did to get the car. Yeah, true. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta have like an ID. It's more paperwork to get the Costco membership than it did to get the car. Yeah, true.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to have an ID. It's way harder to get a Costco membership. You have to have credit. Yeah. No one's offered to sell me a Costco card out of the back of their car one time. Have you been offered to buy a car? Oh, yeah.

Where was this at? What's up, Orange County? I was like his childhood motel. How much was it? I forget. It was a couple hundred bucks or something. That's a pretty good

deal. Wait, to sell a Costco card? No, a gun. Tom is so sweet. Well, I was reading trying to figure out if I want to really

pull the trigger on this next joke and then I heard Costco and I heard $180. No one said that. He's like, I got platinum paid through180. No one said that. I got platinum paid through 2022. No one mentioned Costco?

You get vision. Fuck these samples. They give you the whole French bread pizza for free when you walk by. You're a made man at Costco. I fucking love going to Costco. Costco is like poor kid Disneyland. My grandparents would take me to Costco just fucking the little chicken tenders on the toothpick.

It was nuts. There's some places where it's more work to get a Costco card than a gun. That's exactly what I said. That's what he said. Is that what it said? That's what it did say, Costco. Yeah, we had a whole conversation. Well, I wasn't paying attention.

Well, yeah, because you were taking eight minutes to read one sentence that you wrote. Keith, good joke. I liked it. Fuck it, Tom. See, if I just repeat things I heard, then I'll find out if it was said or not. That's a great strategy. Thank you.

Very efficient. Figured it all out. Yeah. All right, guys. Drake dropped two new songs to celebrate the Raptors' victory over the Golden State Warriors. Speaking of celebrating something he had nothing to do with,

Happy Father's Day. Man, that video of him being interviewed after they won and acting like he's on the team. I want the chips with the dip and the whole thing. It's poetic. The six and six. You could hear everyone interview him and be like, okay, so you're the fucking worst.

Prayers up, Big Papi. Oh my god, it's horrendous. Yeah, I don't like his music. I don't like his music either. I used to. We're so interesting. I liked it when he rapped about numbers, and then he lost me after that. I like it when he got shot on Degrassi.

That was nice. Wow. That was actually visceral. I'm sorry, guys. That was a little too edgy for me. No. No, it was actually emotional. It was visceral.

It was a good episode. When he got shot the way he got shot, he was like, huh. I thought this was in a shitty, lazy Twitter takeaway. I didn't realize this was in a gay childhood way. Degrassi was a legitimately good show. Degrassi, the high school show

about the girls singing? What? No. You mean Glee? No, that's Glee. Degrassi's a long-running teen dramedy. More drama. From Canada. Drake was in it when he was a kid,

before he became Drake. And he played this dude who got shot and was just in a wheelchair, and his character just had to be in a wheelchair for the rest of the thing, and that was horrifying. Well, and the show wasn't saying too, because it had Disney Channel-ass production values

and terrible acting, and then every ninth episode, they'd be like, okay, this one's about when she gets herpes. And it would be this really hardcore bottle. No, the end would always go to HBO level, like she has HPV and it's cancerous now. That's what it would be.

It would always end every episode on a freeze frame and the credits would come up. And I remember there is one where literally she goes, I have herpes. And then you freeze frame and the credits come up. Wow. It's so is one where literally she goes, I have herpes. And then you freeze frames, and the credits come up. Wow. It's so fucking funny. That's pretty cool.

Is it me? Tom, did you go? Let's do it this way. Tom can go, and then I'll go. All right. A Ford Mustang that was untouched for 40 years was sold with the previous owner's remains inside. Wow.

That means you can drive that car anytime you want in the carpool lane. What a deal. You said 40 years? Yeah. Man, that's not a lot of body left at that point. No, no. Yeah. It's just the funny parts left.

Yeah. Just the bones. The chattery skeleton. If I was related to someone and accidentally like found their skeleton, no meat on it.

Right. I would laugh because that is hilarious. I would mourn for a minute. Yeah. Then I'd be like, I'm going to use the skull

as a punishment. Sarah, where are you going with this cartoon xylophone? What business have you with this? All right. Scientists have

discovered that dogs' sweet puppy dog eyes evolved to appeal to humans. According to Keith's ex, so did their penises. That's one of the best Keith dog jokes ever. I was afraid it would be hack at this point, but I had to. It's been just long enough since I've had to deal with it

that I'm like, okay, it's actually pretty good. It's not nearly as ham-fisted as mine usually are. Alright. A woman called the police to report that someone had urinated in her cookie jar. Police overheard her husband saying, I get it, you don't like oatmeal raisin. You're being a bitch,

Debra. You're being a bitch, Debra. I feel bad. Debra? That's my mom's name. Of course it is. Ray Romano's new special is not great. And Katie's fan.

That's who Debra is. My number one Deb. Yeah. No, she's talked about you more than any other comedian. So much. She's talked about your comedy more than my comedy by a lot. I can't imagine your mother loving your comedy. She's a sweet lady. She's talked about your comedy more than my comedy By a lot I can't imagine your mother loving your comedy She's a sweet lady

She's very sweet She's very educated Which is a big point of contention Between the two of us It's the high school dropout There's been a lot of beef over education It's like well she went to college And I got in a fist fight with a book last week

She literally She teaches at a college, and during the summer, she goes to get more college in Pennsylvania to get double college. I don't know what the fuck she— Whereas you have the level of education where you refer to it as going to get more college. Yeah, so you can get double college, which is a PhD, I think. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, what does PhD stand for? Double college?

I don't know. Do you know? No. Me neither. I should know my book. Parent debt attriculates. What? Attriculation.

You mean matriculation? Oh, you know what? That's an H in there. Never mind. Oh, my God. I That's an H in there. Never mind. Oh, my God. I'd rather be dead than keep doing this. Oh, my. Wait.

I was like, what part of PhD? Wait. First of all, what business does atriculation have with this? You said PhD, and then somewhere in my head, because we're talking about my mom, I got PTA stuck in my head, and then that's, yeah. Still no M. Huh? Never mind.

I can't possibly go backtrack. It's okay. Like, guys, let possibly go backtrack. It's okay. Guys, let's four-track. Connor's up. Harvard rescinded admission to Parkland survivor Kyle Kashuv after videos of him saying the N-word emerged. On the bright side, this means those pictures of him playing lacrosse definitely aren't photoshopped.

That's how you say ball in basketball when they pass. That's how you get someone to pass on the cross You say the N word If every teenager who said the N word Doesn't get to go to Harvard Who's going to go to Harvard? Fucking nerds That's the N word for you, Harvard

Yeah A Texas pastor Who backed Bill's criminalizing abortion Was arrested for pedophilia. You know, I'd be against abortion, too, if it thinned out my dating options. That was good action. Thanks. You have too many options?

No. If abortion kills kids, who can he fuck? Yeah, you were the dumb one. I wasn't listening. Yeah, go get a PhD, fuckface. It was easier to get the gun than the dumb one. I wasn't listening. Go get a PhD fuck face. It was easier to get the gun than the Costco car. It's all happening. Jonathan looks like he's going to get worried

he's going to be cancelled sitting next to me. I'm not worried at all. No one knows who I am. It doesn't matter. You can't cancel a show that ain't on the air. Exactly. If you keep looking like that, they won't. I am making a statement here, Connor.

A statement that you like cake? They're the only ones in this house that don't look like shit. I look like cake? No, I just made this statement that you like cake. Oh, I thought you said I look like cake. I'm calling it that, even though I didn't make it with that. Oh, got it, got it, got it. I can only do jokes. You know what? You backpedaled into a very nice gay compliment. Yeah, I was like, thank you like cake. I'm going to the Fats, even though I didn't think you were fat. Oh, got it, got it, got it. I can only do jokes.

You backpedaled into a very nice gay compliment. Yeah, I was like, thank you. Wow. There we go. I'll blow out the candles on that. A 30-year-old Florida man claims he's seen Avengers Endgame 114 times. I can tell you one thing he's never seen. My pussy.

All right. Every right now. You David Letterman. But that is only because Katie's in a relationship. And if she wasn't. Yeah. A new report shows that one of Japan's most popular tourist destinations is a pedestrian crossing in Tokyo. In related news, L.A. comedian Keith Carey tried to write like 10 different walk-walk puns before he remembered walks are Chinese.

Whoops. All right, guys. After facing backlash on social media, The Rock deleted a photo of him swimming with his naked three-year-old daughter. Dwayne apologized, saying, You guys were right. I shouldn't have shared a photo of my child

where she looks so busted. That's a backtrack, child where she looks so busted. Not to backtrack, but have you guys ever been to the Japanese island where all the deer just hang out with you? Oh, totally, yeah. Well, okay. What the fuck are you talking about, you psycho? I was about to get mad

at you. I was like, how? What Pokemon game did you play high? No, it's in Japan. There's this island. I know. And then deer just fucking chill. Tom's been three places. California, Japan, it's in Japan. There's this island. I know. And then just deer just fucking chill. Tom spent three places, California, Japan, and a mental hospital. Yeah, there's just an island, and you just hang out with deer a bunch. Okay. There's just, like, feeding.

You know how, like, you put M&Ms or put money into a machine, and M&Ms come out? They got that for deer food. You could have absolutely just said there's a machine that has deer food. There's a machine, you put M&M's in it, and poop comes out. Oh, that's my own body. Sorry, I got confused. But you just get this, and then the deer smell,

and they just start running up to you, and they eat it out of your hand, and they just hang out. They don't have cars on the island. Because they ride deer. No, they don't have any automobiles on the island because they don't want you to run over the deer because they're just fucking everywhere okay all right there's also a forest in japan where people go to kill themselves like it's like a kill yourself

oh that's where he kills himself uh no no he filmed people yeah oh he's still alive that's where he killed his career oh okay i don't know Are you so pure that you missed the whole Logan Paul suicide video? I don't know who Logan Paul is. If it's straight culture, he doesn't know. I didn't know who he was until he fucking told me who he was. Logan Paul is the mayor of straight culture. Yeah, yeah. He's a super bro.

What if you vacuumed all the wit and charm out of Connor and then just put a fucking fanny pack on it and sent it to me? Won't take long. Yeah. He did this whole series where he ran around Japan just doing for lack of a better word, ching chong bing bongery. He's just being incredibly racist. And then he goes to the suicide forest.

Now I'm just thinking about Chinese Sean Connery. Sean bing bonger! But he goes to the suicide forest and he comes to does a fucking corpse in the background. Just like an unidentified dead guy who killed himself just hanging there.

And he's like, this is fucked up. And then puts it on YouTube. Damn. Yeah, he got in a lot of trouble. Saki, shaking not scared. Warshabi. Anyway, the island's...

Warshabi. Sh Anyway, the islands. Worshabi. Shushi. Shushi. It's like Japanese things in a Scottish accent. It's just Sean Connery, but if you photoshopped his eyes to be, you know. I love that this is because of John Finnegan waiting patiently while we tucker ourselves out. I was like, this is why we only hang out with each other. I was also like, I don't like ching-chong bing-bongery

at these guys' chong-chonery. I don't know what to do for you, comedy-wise. I want Katie to come up to you at, like, her wedding and just to say to you, like, really sternly, and Connor,

none of that ching-chong shit. And just walk away. We only did white accents. As Connor quietly takes the tape off his eyes. Quite frankly, Keith said it, and I just fixed it, all right? Well, I was implying he was being racist. I wasn't pro it.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Anyway, the island's dope. It's fucking, you gotta take a ferry there, but besides that, it's real cool. I'm not charmed by deer. They carry no weight with me. They don't have a bridge because they don't want the deer to walk off the island. Stay there.

You sound like a toddler reporting a tree being had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's no cars to not scare the deer. And I fed them M&Ms and we were friends. If you scream too loud, a man yells at you.

There's a deer island. I'll prove it. I believe you. I believe you. Deer Island, Japan. That's you writing a letter to the island. Oh, my God.

Well, we're not going to wait until Google finds me. Yeah, deer islands. And they got a bunch of old shit there. god. Well, we're not going to wait until Google finds me. Dear Islands. And they got a bunch of old shit there. Okay. Okay, alright, so. Like those arches

that don't do anything? They got a bunch of my jokes. Who's turn is it? Oh, it's my turn. I enjoyed that. Yeah, alright. A woman tried to tase a McDonald's employee.

Apparently it was because she thought she could since she had left that McDonald's. It's 500th Yelp review. Inside joke. Wait, I don't get it. Oh, that's our joke. I'd be like an asshole.

It was a joke that you two weren't going to get and I delivered it poorly and they don't follow my violence towards me. You got tased on stage for your 500. I don't remember. I think I read the story, and she was in a wheelchair, and I was like, what's the escape plan? Is this McDonald's at the top of a very big hill? I was like, why did she not go through the drive-thru?

Wait, wait, wait. You guys all got tased? No, just Tom. Just Tom? Oh, you guys both tasted? Yeah. He talked to his mom, and he ate soup. I got taste? No, just Tom. Just Tom? Oh, you guys both tasted? Yeah, he talked to his mom and he ate soup. I got taste. That's hilarious.

We do weird shit when we get a bunch of iTunes. Yeah, we tased Tom on stage in Kansas City and Orlando. Well, the Orlando one didn't really work. No, the Kansas City one worked like a motherfucker. It sure did. We poured a candle up Tom's butt. Yeah, that I did not know was going to happen. What?

We do a thing where we get beaten up on by a dominatrix when our jokes suck at our live shows. Oh, great. And this gal fucking, she lit a candle and poured it down Tom's back, and all this melted wax just went in his butt. And I have a hairy butt, and it was so much more painful than the tase. We joked about it earlier, but it really did mighty putty your asshole. Yeah, it was, I'm so glad I didn't have to shit. We did mail his ass back home to our wife in Virginia

Dears Margaret Did you literally wax it? Did you rip it out? Well, it wasn't designed to do that It was in clumps and then some of it would stick there I was literally just like fishing out of my ass in the shower

Cutting the shit out of a sick dog's fur. I have a hairy ass too. I get it. Yeah. If only I could power wash this off with my own powerful loads. You know?

Yeah. No, if I could pressure wash away with my mighty cum. That's why. Yeah. Cumming on things is how I clean now.

It's very effective. What are we doing? I'm going to take a tent out of my car. Oh, Lord. Katie's very effective. What are we doing? I'm going to take a tent out of my car. Oh, Lord. Katie's out. Residents of Phoenix, Arizona say they spotted U.S. fighter jets drawing penis-shaped chemtrails in the sky.

Air Force officials vehemently denied this, saying, We've never even heard of a cum trail. Look, if we did it, and we're not saying we did, it'd be pretty hilarious, and whoever did it shouldn't get in trouble. You guys ever come across those trees that smell like cum? What are those trees? I've heard of them.

There's a lot of them in Sacramento. But yeah, they just smell like cum. And then it's funny. What is the name of the tree? I don't fucking... I'm not an arbologist. It's the serana pear. An arbologist?

It's a what? I think the serana pear or something like that. The serana pear? Yeah, I only know this because I looked it up for a thing we're working on. Okay. You can make anywhere smell like cum. That's not special. Well, I remember I was on a trip in ninth grade.

Sorry, Katie. This is very different than the last time we podcasted together. Women have their own fluids right yeah are you gold star am i gold star isn't no he's not no i'm not oh gold star gay yeah yeah yeah no i know that women have fluids i just didn't know what to call them i guess fluids right neither do we we're still all calling them fluids i think that's the name we never even happy tears well no we came across those trees on a school trip it was like ninth grade and we all get out of the bus and some guys like oh my god these trees smell like cum and then this poor

girl goes yeah huh and everyone was like oh all right i'll go uh cuba gooding jr denied allegations of sexual assault. He says there's video that proves he's innocent, but nobody's going to see it because Cuba Gooding Jr. is innocent. Pretty good. I like that. Zendaya's new HBO show, Euphoria, featured 30 penises in its first episode. 30 penises is better known as a Florida peacock.

I just don't know how you get 30 dicks. Damn, 30? Yeah. 25 more we got on this show. Am I right, gang? There was a breakdown. It was like 30 dicks, one assault, like a drug overdose.

And a partridge. And a paycheck for Drake. Did they do the counter like they did with the shit South Park episode? Well, yeah. All the fucking Euphoria kids were on the award show I just wrote. And someone

was like, all right, write an empowering introduction for Lizzo for them. And I'm like, am I the guy? I'm doing this. It feels like that's not my corner. Not your lane Yeah Euphoria

The makeup store At the mall That'd be Sephora But Euphoria The trailers for it Have been looking like A Zendaya like Cosmetics ad

It looks like It looks like Gorgeous Yeah But HBO On Westworld Were you guys around For the epic episode

Where one of the like Robot people in it, just the actor had a humongous penis, and he was not really a part of the scene. He was supposed to be a dead robot just standing in his place. They did a whole scene, and everyone just could only talk about how huge this guy's dick is. It was absolutely amazing. I saw the discussion about it. I haven't seen the dick.

Can we pull that out? You want to talk about an extra trying to fucking jockey for camera position? You'd think the casting person would be like, all right, that is an overshadowing hog. Yeah, I think that they cast him. That is a lot of turmeric in the smoothie, if you know what I mean. They just asked him, are you good with nudity? He's like, oh, yeah. And then he just came to set, and they probably were like, wait, do we fire him? They're good with nudity? He's like oh yeah. And then he just came to set and they probably

were like wait do we fire him? It's unfurling like a skull. They're like contouring so much. The dick is a distracting extra. It's the Starbucks cup of Game of Thrones. Let me see. This one? Yeah. Good fucking lord.

Wow. Look at that monster. It's not even hard. You look so confused. That guy needs a concealed carry permit to go outside. Because it doesn't just hang over. It extends out. It's like the mountain the Grinch hangs out on. It's Mount Crumpit.

It's like what Jack Skellington and Sally walked down Shouldn't all robots have the same size dick? I mean, I'm not in charge of that Well, if you were going to make a robot, why wouldn't you make a robot? No, they can't because You have to make the robots feel like they're real Like they can't know that they're robots So you can't have everyone the same type of thing

I've never seen Euphoria It's Westworld Oh, okay I haven't know that they're robots so you can't have everyone the same type i've never seen euphoria yeah it's westworld oh okay okay i haven't seen i hate he's like i've never seen sephora i don't know do you guys get into like even after like even if you've just had like great sex or whatever i even after that i'm like i can't i can't have anybody look at my immediately put my boxer shorts on i can't i only really want my dick to be seen if it's in full fighting spirits. I kind of get that. They're always like, what are you worried about? I know it's fine, it works,

but it looks bad. Does anyone else get that? Yes. Not right after sex. I feel like after sex it still looks really good and so I just like to shake it about. Shake it up, baby then yeah yeah but then once you know once you're like like not like you're fully flaccid then i'm yeah there's no reason

to have it out yeah so yeah well just like even getting up and go to the bathroom naked i'm just like well yeah because you have to walk past tom oh well yeah i just i want tom to think i'm cool wait but we've all seen we've all seen you naked. I know. Yeah, both of you. My dick has never looked worse in my life. Wasn't a great day for you, boy. No.

Was it? Were you nervous? Yes, you did a bunch of times. That was the worst it's ever been. It was one of these things where we took Viagra before we were going to go on and thinking, okay, that'll keep us at a respectable amount of chub. And it could not overcome the nerves. Everybody looking at it.

Yeah. See, I wasn't that scared, so I did all right. Sometimes one person looking at my dick is enough to make it go soft. So a thousand was... Did you like...

How did your relatives respond? Or your parents? My mom loved it. I've never really talked to my dad about it. Your mom is... I feel like you have the mom that just loves everything about you. She's like, Connor, look at your dick.

Yeah, she's like, honey. Well, they're just concerned. They're like, we're worried about you being able to get more writing work and people won't respect you or whatever. They were a little worried about that, but I don't know. Things are working out. Where you're like, I'm not a woman. Yeah, and the rest of my family, I've alluded to it,

but we just never really bring it up. If we bring it up, it's because I make a joke about it, but I assume they're all very disappointed and embarrassed, but I don't know who fucking cares. But can I say, like, from the picture, it didn't look as...

I have the picture saved in my phone. Okay? Of my flaccid cock? Of both of you guys standing next to each other. Yeah. Again, I hate that people took pictures, and they're like, I thought you'd want to see it.

I was like, what makes you... No, no, no. They had cameras. I did, Again, I hate that people took pictures, and they're like, I thought you'd want to see it. I was like, what makes you? I don't know. They had cameras. I did like, I was excited about that. Here's the thing, Connor. I have heard you talk shit about your dick.

No, it's like way past a bunch of nudes and a bunch of pictures of me in drag. Just show your picture. It'd be a shame if someone saw you naked. Yeah.

Just text it to him because he's going to delete it. Can I show you a picture of my dick in battle mode and get your honest thoughts, Jonathan. You've done this before, three years ago. At the West Side Comedy Theater. Oh, really?

You did this to me in a green room. Oh, I'm sorry. You do this a lot. No. And I told you, and you showed it to me. Just Jonathan and those porn stars. You guys have made out, though, before, right? Yeah.

You sound like my molester. I'm like, you cornered me in a green room and showed me your cock. You did surprise me and kiss me at the roast. That was a good move to make a good show. Yeah, it was fun. It was a pretty spectacle. But yeah, we did share a passionate kiss. I feel like I went full tongue and everything too

oh and I went hard like grandma mouth and then people were like zooming in on my like face and was like Jonathan's a bad kisser

I'm like but I didn't want oh sorry I didn't want to be the like the faggot who enjoyed it and then I didn't want you to like

like back off and be like ugh you know so I just kept my I love that you thought he was going gonna start making out with you but why are you making out with me yes

that straight guy bullshit of like I want it I don't want it now like that's like yeah I just thought it'd be funny you know the conceit of the show it's all about love and I was like well put your money where your mouth is like I made fun of you being gay or whatever I don't even remember what I said it's not about love my god every time they

say that I want to throw a brick. I fucking hate when they fucking say that. Are you guys still roasting? No. No, I haven't. Yes. Take a wild guess. Occasionally.

Occasionally. Yeah. I haven't done it in a year since the tournament. I just, I think it was enough. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of think everybody sort of rounded that corner a little bit. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't do it as long as you guys did but i did 11 and so i was 11 rows i guess and so i was like that's fine yeah did the tournament yeah there's a point where you're like it turns out just getting relentlessly mocked over and over again does start to feel bad well i just wanted to get some wins on my record so i was like oh the tournament would be a good way to like kind of do that really quick because it's like super short time and then i was like i did that okay cool at least i just want someone to look at my record and go all losses like i don't want them to do that so i wanted to just put like some wins on you had a bad record but you were also one of the most fun people to watch do it yeah thank you but you just fought people who were really good that was the

funnest because yeah you should do it right yeah that's what i thought yeah uh do we still have jokes left we do yeah okay who's up i don't remember i think have you done all five i did all five oh i haven't done all five i have one more then yeah yeah all right uh jesus you look really nervous though andrew polak a father who lost their kids in a school shooting, posted a photo of them together for Father's Day. Hey, how many Polaks does it take to find this guy's kid? Jesus Christ, man. The best part of that joke is it's barely a joke. It's just like your name is Polak and kid's dead.

But I love that he did something really cool. He did a new Polak joke. It's like your name is Polak. But I love that he did something really cool. He did a new Polak joke. That's pretty amazing. That's what we need in 2019. Ingenuity. I don't have any beef with the Polaks.

Their hockey team drowned during spring training. It's hilarious. You found the only Polak joke in 2019 that could make you feel guilty for laughing. I felt bad telling it, but I saw the, yeah. I think it's a well-written joke. I don't think I should have told you guys it, but I think it's a well-written joke. That's most of the jokes I don't do on this show.

I go, nah, I'm not comfortable doing that. And I did it. And it made you all uncomfortable. Now I'm supposed to think you've glowed up for telling a Polack joke. You know, I don't feel comfortable, but I post like it's a body positivity selfie. It's so cute. My delete later. It's a Polack joke.

It's mostly a dead kid joke. I love my rolls and my Polack jokes. And I am not ashamed this bikini season. I also feel bad because I had to use his name in the... Let's move on.

You want me to save it by doing my bad taste joke? Do it. All right. Dark Phoenix bombed in theaters and Caitlyn Jenner is in an Instagram feud.

Rough weekend for X-Men. Oh, damn. I'm going to have a week one to follow. This week, a Greek chef named Akis Petretskis broke the Guinness Book of World Records by making 3,378 burgers in a single hour. He also broke the record for most burgers

filled with hair. That is so funny. That is actually dedicated to my actual Greek uncle, Alexandros Papakristopoulos. It's a real person. Papakristopoulos. It's a lie.

Real person. Lives in Athens. That's what they say when they do an ollie, like Papakristopoulos. Yeah, that sounds like a cheese they stopped making. Papakristopoulos,

that's that fancy popcorn you get at the city water, right? Yeah. That is a name that I made up because I don't know anything about Greek people. It's weird that I sometimes think of Greek people as extinct. Yeah. You know what I mean? They're there.

They're an ancient thing. Well, their economy is, and so that's why. Wow. Wow. You know what? I'm here for the hard-hitting joke. Yeah, Jonathan, you're so mean to money. I forgot to introduce our guest this week, the New Yorker bear.

Is this thing on? Is that the ATM machine in Greece? You know, and you're like, wow, I didn't quite get it. Serious problem over there, though. But anyway. Yeah, are they still fucked? Is everything still? Yeah, it's pretty rough.

And they have the refugee crisis, too. Oh, yeah. But I had a fun time when I went to Athens. And you're going back for a vacay. You got some good pics. I went there. I was eat, pray, loving, as you know. Until it gets so bad that it's not grammable.

Yeah, exactly. It's like nothing's going to happen, you know? I mean, the Acropolis is in really really bad shape white girls can instagram anything i mean like la if it was full mad max like you know escape from new york dystopia it would no one it wouldn't be addressed but if the urban lights at lockmo went down yeah it would be civil war what am i supposed to do on tinder get on there with my thumb in my ass i gotta i gotta compete why do people take pictures in front of those like you there's a tar pit you could take picture with like tar and stuff yeah that's that's what really gets you horny yeah my edible close to tar this bitch is my edible did actually just kick in the tar pit you mean keith's mouth

one of my favorite jokes that le had about you which is which is why why do I feel like if I hug you too hard poof comes out of your mouth oh that's a different one I I was thinking of the one you were thinking of yeah I remember what she did was uh looking at your body I can tell you ate something before you came here looking at your mouth I can tell it was rocks yeah I do remember I was there. Dude, we have fucked me up so bad. But that was a great battle. That was at the peak of my cockiness, though, where I'm like, I got this. And then I came in and she just fucking pistol whipped me.

No, I remember because I was with you the whole time leading up to it because we did Fresno together. Oh, wait, no. I'm thinking that was a different battle. That was a different battle. I did a show at a weed bar and I accidentally got a contact high before that battle, which didn't help. Yeah, I was thinking of a different battle. I accidentally went to

the excuse factory. I fell into a vat of oops and then I bought a big bottle loose. It was so hard. I was with a friend of mine and she's on Raya, the Illuminati tender. Right. And they're just letting fucking anybody on Raya now. Of course course they are now if you've made one music video for your

friend's band you're a cinematographer and there's just regular chodes on there i wanted to see some famos you know yeah kind of kind of disappointing but it was you can't screenshot it or like it like it sends you a warning and shit jessica had an invite she said she was going to give it to me but i think she gave it to one of her fucking other friends. And I'm like, that would be funny if I lived here and I was on Ryan. I'm disrespectful of your ex to not give you her sign-in for the fancy

fucking website. I do quite a lot for Jessica. You don't want to be way funnier as if I got on Ria or... Yeah, it'd be really funny if you got on a thing you couldn't pronounce. I'm on a dating app. It's called Azun. We got to get you on there and take a photo shoot in your room.

We'll even make it look worse than it is. How? Fucking how, Connor? Do we unsheath the sword? How do we make it look worse? That's a start. We can poop on some things. By the way, I didn't buy any of those weapons.

They're all gifted to me. Thank you, everyone. That's actually worse. Because that also implies didn't buy any of those weapons. They're all gifted to me. Thank you, everyone. That's actually worse. He's pointing to his swords and the corner weapons. Oh, no, I can't afford any of those things. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is triggering for Katie. It is very much. I thought you said it wasn't.

Why? Because my dad was a Renaissance Fair Viking who had weapons everywhere. Well, it's people like him who give me swords. Your dad was a sword guy? Oh, yeah. It's weird thinking that they can procreate.

You know what I mean? What would you call him now? Is he still into swords? A sword grandpa? Estranged. What would you call him now? I wouldn't, yeah. Katie's story is fucking nuts.

You can listen to... Yeah, leaving the tribe, we talk about it. There's a lot of fucking details. You don listen to... Yeah, Leaving the Tribe. We talk about it. There's a lot of fucking details. You don't want to unpack some pain here? Oh, it's fine. It's fine. We can involve cum.

That seems to be the ongoing theme today. I think you're the first person to do it in the opposite order, where you do Leaving the Tribe first, then you come to Mean Boys. Last time you saw Tom, it was all sensitive boy shit. Yeah. Sensitive boy shit. Yeah. And now I'm talking about coming on my own face

and then kicking myself and then hop you out. Slate, please. Wing chong bing bong. Don't worry, I got him, Mr. Roboto. This is probably getting into the old Mean Boys mailbag right now. There's nothing in it.

There's nothing in it? No. Really? Did you just check? Yeah, there's not really any good tweets and we don't have the cord for the voicemail.

Well. I was hoping you'd pick up on that and we could end gracefully. Oh, no. How was I to have this communicated to you? I don't know. I didn't think it through. You don't have telepathy, Keith.

We're not twins. I'm sorry. Can you guys read each other's minds at this point? You guys are pretty close. Yeah. I always know when she's... You guys are one of the other couples in comedy where people go, where's the other one? You know?

What is the... Oh, oh, that. Never mind. Yes. What are you... Oh, they asked to release the poop picture, and I was like, what the fuck did I miss? We're not going... Connor took a legendary dump and has talked about it for two weeks in a row.

How big was it? It was. Well, it wasn't the bigness. I want to look. Do you want to see it, Jonathan? No, I absolutely don't. It's the worst poop I've ever. I have totally different hair.

I have it available. If anyone. Well, you should probably see. There's product in my hair. There's product. Someone was to it to has asked me to release the poop. And I can't. I can't put that. I'm going to lose so many

followers. I do nothing but tweet about this is how I know that people don't like me. I do nothing but tweet about how much I hate myself. I never get any like, are you okay text. It's just a lot of loves. Not even that. They just go, oh, that's funny.

Yeah, I was like that would fucking, it would destroy the timeline. I would have to wonder. I think it qualifies as gore. You know, it's like. You close that dump, you go to jail. Yeah, like the cops are coming. That's horrifying.

Worst poops you guys ever took? Oh, once when I had prostatitis a year ago. What is that? So it's an infection of the prostate. Okay. How do you get it? You can get it. It's bacterial. you get it? You can get it. It's bacterial.

There's two ways you can get it. I don't want to do my joke, Katie. Don't make me do my joke. I was trying to set you up. Yeah, I don't want to hear the joke. I was trying to set you up. No, it's too much pressure now. You're hot.

The edible kicked in. I don't want to say a funny thing on a podcast. We're actually making a movie about this right now. What? And it's going to play for one day. Prostatitis? It's called Out on Pod. My prostatitis.

No, it's an infection of the prostate. And so you it just like becomes hard to like shit and do a bunch of stuff. Right. So I take a bunch of medicine for it. But it took like three weeks to go away. And when you get an erection, it feels like a knife is in your dick. It just feels awful. Like to pee is like just like trying to like it's like needles knife is in your dick. It just feels awful. To pee is like, just like trying to like,

it's like needles. It's awful. So like the shits on that, like I do feel like I know what childbirth, there are some shits I would be squatting and I would literally pull it out of me like a woman in the desert. Like that's like,

that's what I would do. You had to get in there with forceps? Yes. I was like, and like literally By the way, Jonathan is doing a Chris D'Elia act out

right now of this shit. Yeah, I'm standing on my head. Give me my basket robin scoop. Yeah. You did tell me, you would text me during that time

that you were just like sitting in baths. Oh, I was sitting in tub because it was the only way I could shit is by doing water births. What?

That's nuts. Do they float? Do you ever have one that sinks? You go, that's not good. And it looked like one of Shark Poops on the Discovery Channel. Brown mist? It looked like... No, it looked like an organism.

Oh, yeah. Wow. This is how little Dubai culture is. You seem so... He thinks that gay people poop like sharks, all right? This man is not an ally. He's a charlatan and a fraud. He's like, I am LGBT, too.

Yeah, LGBT my ass. That's what... That's what they do. That's just him asking you to fuck. We all jumped on the same grenade. See, I've had my ass eaten and it felt too luxurious. It was...

You don't love yourself enough to get your ass eaten. I really could not accept that kind of a gesture. and it felt too luxurious. You don't love yourself enough to get your ass eaten. I really could not accept that kind of a gesture. If someone bought me a new car, I'd be like, you must return this. I couldn't possibly.

No one's ever going to eat my ass. Well, with a candle in there. Yeah. Well, you got it labeled Tom in the refrigerator. I mean, I could only imagine it tastes like chewing on a comb that's never been cleaned.

Just a bunch of... A traffic cone? No, a comb. Oh, okay. A comb. That was... I thought it was like... It's the cone zone.

Yeah. Cone zone. Are you a big ass eater? I can only fuck if I eat ass. See, I love it. I love ass. I don't know why. It's just like it's

great yeah it's great but also like it feels like i'm not supposed to go in there and i'm like you know like are you not like in a non-consent way but in like it feels like not no he's not responding but there's no way are you he likes eating he places oh you like eating ass yeah yeah yeah no no i wasn't shaking the question i just was talking over you because i'm rude what'd you ask oh if you were douch rude. What did you ask? If you were douching your asshole when you get eaten, but you don't like it when you get eaten. I only got eaten once by the girl when I first met Keith

that I was dating. Oh, that's who did it? She liked it? She wanted to. She did a lot of stuff to your ass, though. I'm like, my nut's going to fall on your nose. I had to hold it up. Wait, this is actually... too. She did a lot of stuff to your ass. I'm like, my nut's going to fall on your nose. And it was just weird. I had to hold it up.

Wait, you weren't on all fours? I was like this. Childbirth. Well, I got the fart cannon loaded up. In my mind, it was more graceful. You were on your back. I mean, on your belly. No, it wasn't like that. She bent my legs back forcefully and just chowed down, you know.

For the listening audience, Connor is posed like a man falling off a tall building. Yeah. You were cannonballing. Yeah. I was cannonballing. And then she pried me open and got in there. And I was just like, oh, that's a lot all at once, you know. Jesus. I have a question, because I brought this up in a comedy club green room this weekend,

but I don't... Sorry, Katie. Have you guys eaten out a girl on her period? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Okay, yeah. I'm not that put off by it.

Yeah, all right. I wouldn't... And they're always very self-conscious, but I'm like, eh, I don't care. Everyone started screaming at me. What, because you had done it. Yeah, all right. I wouldn't, and they're always very self-conscious, but I'm like, I don't care. Everyone starts screaming at me. What, because you've done it? Yeah. Or because, I like the idea

that you walked into the green room of a show you were not on. He's asked. He yelled that question loudly over a conversation. Now, how many points

does that get us, Katie? Like, how many good guy points? As a 300-year-old witch, I haven't bled in many centuries. Do we get to say, like, cunt once on a birthday?

Yeah, for sure. Or back to the coven and come back with more math. How sexist can I be if I have that on my resume? Because I'm only transactionally... As long as you preface everything with that. Yeah. Look, I eat period vaginas. Yeah. You shouldn't be allowed to vote.

So I'm telling you that we're just funnier than you. Does that just mean you eat vaginas from the 1800s? Yep. I took off a lot of petticoats. Daniel Day-Lewis is always so good at this. I tried recently for the first time with sucking on

some toes. I didn't hate that. I was like, wow. I didn't see that coming, but I was like, wow, this feels, it made me feel powerful, you know?

And it made me feel subservient, I guess. It did feel a little bit like, oh, this is kind of degrading now that I think about it. That's the fun of it. There's a foot in my mouth.

That's the whole fun of putting a foot in your mouth. I get, I don't know, I'm just, yeah. Truly my feet. That foot in your mouth,

you little bitch. Pretty vanilla. I've never had my toes sucked on, but I got ugly know, I'm just, yeah. Truly, Mike. You have that foot in your mouth, you little bitch. Pretty vanilla. If I want to feel. I've never had my toes sucked on, but I got ugly feet. Like the Irish, our feet are just vascular and gross. My only goal in comedy is to get on wiki feet. That's really all I care about, truly. We weren't just looking at that look today.

We were looking at people like. That is so funny. That's all I care about. I gotta tell my boss, he's got a pretty fair to midland wiki feet ratio. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's not good. Three out ofland Wookiee feet ratio. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's not good.

You're out of five stars? Oh, my God. Whoa. Al from Home Improvements at four. Have you heard any foot stuff? Anyone? A foot person here? No.

No? No. I find nothing attractive about the foot. I get no sexual gratification. It's not sexual, but I am totally enthralled by ballerinas like an arched foot in a pointe shoe

oh their feet are fucked up it's like satisfying no it's like it's not sexual but like what what gives you the same obsession but not sexual

it's it's an infatuation I would like like the way that you guys might have like I don't know what do you guys like doodle when you're young

all I would do is draw feet like draw ballerina shoes like draw ballerinas in feet you know what I would like like the way that you guys might have like I don't know what do you guys like doodle when you're young? All I would do is draw feet like draw ballerina shoes like draw. You know what I would draw? I would draw like women with huge tits, but it was not sexual. I just like loved that form. He's really like the architecture. Yeah. And like hair like like all on her. And they always have like huge tits and just like mermaid hair.

I just wanted to own nice colognes. What's the drag thing? We love the pageantry. Similarly, I would draw guys that were impossibly buff. I would draw like Dragon Ball Z guys.

Just like what you wanted to be? I'd mostly draw letters. Try to make words with them. Was one of them an S? S? An S. S? No, an S? S? An S? Ash?

No, an S. Like a nasty little S that they always sketch? No, like... The Stussy. The Stussy logo. No, it's Volcom. You're thinking of... The fact that you called the Volcom logo a nasty little S...

No, it's not Stussy. It's not the Volcom logo. It's Stussy. What's a Stussy? It's not S. I know, but why is it called... I'm not going to write's Stussy. What's a Stussy? It's that S. I know, but why is it called a Stussy? I'm going to draw this and you tell me this doesn't look like a nasty little S. Yes, and also a Stussy sounds like nasty little S.

It sounds like a gay slang. And they fucked me in my Stussy. That is straight up Vulcan. That is absolutely not the Vulcan symbol. It's not Vulcan. It is. No, dude. Vulcan's with a V. I'm drawing you the Vulcan symbol. It's not Volcom. It is. No, dude. Volcom's with a V.

I'm drawing you the Volcom symbol right now. Bro, we're from OC. We fucking know. You even go to fucking Chili's, bro? From the IE. Yeah, he just went

to take a piss in the middle of us. Or a shit. That is where he shits, apparently. I didn't do this part right. He had to take a nasty little ass.

Yeah, he said take a nasty little ass. Nasty little ass He had to take a nasty little ass. Yeah, he said take a nasty little ass. Nasty little ass. He said take a nasty little ass. Wow. He's peeing all the way leaned back like fucking Wilt Chamberlain trying to get on an airplane. You take snap a little pic. Oh, yeah.

No. He's shown me so many times. Yeah, you don't need to. The world does not need more pictures. See, doesn't it? It lowers the value of your dick if everyone knows what it looks like. True. Yes.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It has raised the value of my dick significantly, if I'm being totally honest. It depends on the dick. I mean, yeah. You didn't answer, how did your family respond to you being naked on public? Oh, you're still alive? Oh, that's true.

I know. My mom thought it was really funny. Yeah. Yeah. No, but I do, I don't think it was that bad. I was wrong. Yeah.

Yeah. What's up? I don't think the pic of you guys together with Connor, I don't think it was that bad. It didn't look that. Oh, yeah.

She said it's past a bunch of dick. It's really not that bad, though. No. Like, I didn't look at it and was like... And now I don't want to feel like the guy that bombed his JFL showcase, but it's my cock. No, it'll be great. You had a good set, dude.

The first three were great. Don't worry about what happened. The fact that it looked like it was about to get eaten by a big bird was hot. Women love fear. Oh, man. Well, I think that's it for Mean Boys. Yeah, it did look like

it was, you know, like in the attic with Anne Frank. You guys, Katie, Jonathan, thank you so much for fucking coming on the show. Thank you so much. You can watch our web series

on YouTube. Living with Jonathan and Katie. Yeah, what's the channel called? Living with Jonathan and Katie. It's called Easier to Get a Costco Car. It's a web talk show where we interview people from all walks of life. Oh, yeah, you've had some crazy guests on. Yeah, we had a mortician, bodybuilder, drag queen.

My gang member, relatives. Yeah, his trouble, my mother. Did he have the bandana over his face? He had a bandana, I think. Maybe wrapped around his cast on his leg or something. That's how you sign a cast? Hey, get well soon, Milspider. You sign a bandana to it?

Wait, you're related to gangsters? Yeah, taggers. Almost exclusively. Yeah, taggers and gangsters. So we had the taggers on. But yeah, I am actually related to them. Do you have to dress differently when you hang out with your family? What?

Do you have to like... He has to wear a rainbow bandana. No, no, no, no, no. My family definitely was hood. Like everyone grew up hood. I didn't. Right. So everyone's kind of like

now living in this, like hood people. Got you. Hood people living in the suburbs. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. So I'm not like going back to the hood. Like that's not...

Jonathan's actually in the Latin Queens. Yeah. But yeah, it's fun. Jonathan's actually in the Latin Queens. Yeah. But yeah, it's fun. So you guys can watch that. Cool. Awesome. And where can they follow you guys specifically on that? KatieFrench.com.

Katie, I French on Twitter. Yeah. Jonathan Bell Comedy. What's the I stand for? Ingrid or some shit like that? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Damn. One shot, one kill. Goddamn right. I just picked the name of a cold woman. That's correct. My essence. Yes. Ingrid and also the name of a cold woman. Oh, that's correct. My essence, yes. Ingrid, and also the name of her sister. My little sister's name, too, yeah.

Wait, but that's her first name or middle name? We have different baby daddies, and my mom wanted us to have one name alike. So she gave my little sister my middle name. That's sweet, but weird. I know. I think it's shady. I think my mom does. It's shady?

It's low-key shady. Yeah. Yeah. Well, follow me on Twitter. I was low-key shady. Yeah. Yeah. Well, follow me on Twitter. Like, I was saving it for her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, yeah, that's the show. Yeah, that's it, guys. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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