Mean Boys - EP 201 - Chocolate Snorkel (feat. Brett Erickson)

Episode Date: July 3, 2019

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Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go pass ahead of the show at gotransit.com slash tickets. What's up, everybody? It's Tom Tom Goss and I have a special announcement. August 17th, 2019, 8pm. I will be recording my album at North Bar in Chicago. The ticket link will be up. Please come out to the show, it's going to be a fucking awesome show. Keith will be there.

Con, are you going to be there? Con is going to be there. Keith is going to be there. Kyle Clark from This Is Rad is also going will be there. Connor, are you going to be there? Connor's going to be there. Keith's going to be there. Kyle Clark from This Is Rad is also going to be there. They're all going to do sets too. It's going to be a fucking party and it will be what I am taping, audio taping. I'm getting a lot of dirty, not dirty, weird looks from Connor and Keith right now, but I will be taping my album there So please please please come on out It's going to be a lot of fun Yeah thank you very much

I'll see you there August 17th At the North Bar in Chicago And he can finally finish What he was going to say Hey everybody It's another episode of the Mean Boys Podcast Oh shit fuck yeah Fuck shit cunt uh guys

you can't spell it while you're scratching your balls what i can't criticize you when i how have i ever criticized you in the past that's my whole thing but the closer his balls are to fresh air the saltier connor you're not allowed to start respecting yourself abruptly two years into our business agreement how about that one? You signed a contract in your own tears. You know what? Even the contracts I was supposed to sign, you guys did it for me because I wasn't here. Okay, I told Tom, can I sign the contract for you?

And he said yes. And then did I put the signature in.com with a backwards G as a joke? Perhaps I did. I assumed you would do the cartoon X on the signature line. I considered that. Like an old blues man who doesn't know how to read. No, I signed it. I just did it in capital letters, and I put the G backwards as a joke, and I just showed Keith, and then I did it regularly.

That's pretty funny. My dad just puts down smiley faces. Never been a problem. He's never got into trouble for it once. Well, this is a fun episode episode Brett Erickson stopped by Yeah What a guy we haven't had on since the infamous That is why debacle

Debacle Nice Sounds like a card game you play at a nursing home While you wait to die Yeah So anyway check out this episode Follow Brett on I Brett My Pants On Twitter, Instagram For a lot of great Follow Brett on I Brett My Pants on Twitter, Instagram.

Yeah, for a lot of great political analysis from I Brett My Pants. Follow adult man I Brett My Pants. What do we have to talk about? I me poop. Oh, quick shout out because we had an awkward run in me and Tom with a Mean Boys fan at the Misfits show that we went to. Oh, yeah. We ran into a guy who was like, the Mean Boys are here. And we went, yeah, and then disappeared into the crowd.

Yeah, we were trying to find Connor. Yeah, and to the Mean Boys fan who said hi to me at the pub show and tried to get me laid with my already girlfriend. I appreciate you for doing that. Did it work? Wow. Oh, did I tell you about this? No, did you get laid?

Yeah, I did. Hey, you look at wig man, dude. Oh, you're welcome, Keith. I don't want to brag, but I was in a monogamous relationship and had sex with that person. That doesn't always happen. Very true. You got to take all the winnings. Tom, what are you always going to make the podcast about you?

Fucking ball hog. What else? Patreon. Yes, we have to discuss some things. Yeah, so Patreon. First of all, thank you to everybody who supports this show? Patreon. Yes, we have to discuss some things. Yeah, so Patreon. First of all, thank you to everybody who supports this show on Patreon. You guys have kept this fucking dumb car running since it's been out of gas. Yeah, you've kept us living inside and eating food, sincerely.

Yeah, we're going to be changing a little bit of stuff on the Patreon. I know we've been doing the monthly merch. We are going to stop doing that at the $10 level. The reason being, number one, we're out of fun shit that we can make that is at all cost effective. Yeah. Well, the margins are pretty thin in terms of for less than $5, make and mail a good-a-ma-jig. Yeah. And we've got more stickers than any bands that have been together for 30 years.

Stickers take up more space in this house than my living quarters. You're barely exaggerating. You really are. I'm not really. We just don't want to keep sending you guys some shitty stickers. And I know we're behind. But the last two months that we're paid for will be fulfilled. I'm almost done designing all that shit. We've all had a lot of professional and personal obligations that have kept us pretty tight

up and unable to attend to the grueling podcast schedule as usual. Right. And really what it boils down to is we would rather do a little less and make sure we can give you guys a good show and actually put in the time and the effort to make this thing not suck. Yeah. And then distract ourselves two things. Because we're all bad at thinking we can do a million things and actually like put in the time and the effort uh to make this thing not suck yeah distract yourselves two things because we're all bad at thinking we can do a million things and then uh right well then then just you know spend 30 like 30 hours a month we don't have doing making uh keychains and shit yeah it even unfortunately not something we can really

budget for anymore and even more important than that is you know we hate it when we say like okay this you know we're gonna have you merged by this point and when we're late or it gets like we really hate that that happens and we would rather eliminate we hate that even with a show so steeped in irresponsibility we have still found a way to let you down sometimes yeah yeah well that's and it's but the fact that luckily there's a small contingent of people that just thinks it's funny yeah it's funny. It's like some of the patron exit messages are equivalent to somebody being like, I can't believe Gigi Allen made such a mess at my house. Yeah.

What do you think he was going to do, lady? Man, I wish I wasn't so poor so I could keep getting let down by you crazy podcast ads. But the bonus episodes are still going to be there. Bonus episodes are still happening. So, yeah, if you're at the $10 tiers, you can drop down if you want or whatever. You can go with God. If you want to stay at $10, that is cool. Hey, you know, we're going to go on there. If you give us $10,

the new dealers, you get one bonus podcast a month. Yeah. But you'll secretly know you deserved it more. Yeah. Yeah. $10 is a pay pig tier, you know? There you go. It's deserved it more yeah yeah yeah ten dollars is a pay pig tier you know there you go it's like you deserve yeah fucking swallow it so if you stay there you you're not gonna get anything extra but you will come a little harder you know knowing that you've given us another four dollars and 62 cents or however

i'll come harder because i'll be able to afford toilet paper but yeah no go ahead that makes you come wait so you can hold it in when you don't have toilet paper to cum into? Knowing that I can clean up the mess? Ah, it gives me a fucking rock-hard boner cum. Rock-hard boner cum. Yeah. Well, that's kind of a... Boner cum.

Well, it's nice to be able to have a dimmer switch on it in case you don't want to really just drop a... If I could keep my bone at a cool three when I didn't really need it functional, that'd be pretty cool. Well, if I could just, like, jizz just a little, like, you know, teardrop tattoo when I, you know, was doing it in the car to stay awake, that'd be nice.

I don't want a whole two scoops from Pog and Daz, but, like, I'll take a sample cup, you know. I'll try the salted caramel. Yeah, I've never done the jack-off in the car to stay awake move and not gotten cum all over everything. Oh, I didn't usually say the Nickelodeon logo in white. Because I don't usually come into napkins or anything, so my technique is not

great. And I was just like, alright, well, no time to remove all the... And then, oh, that's my hand and my pants and the ground where my breaking pedal goes. I'm some sort of Spider-Man. I did get my fucking floorboard so sticky one time, I was like, if I get into a cum-related

accident, where I'm like, whoa! get into a cum-related accident where I'm... Whoa! Sticking to the airbags with load. Dude, I felt that one time I was eating three burritos while driving and I was just like... Stop! Stop! What? I went to Del Taco. I thought you have a tasting flight of burritos.

I was hungry and sad and I wasn't gonna pull over and eat them. Three's a lot of burritos. Yeah, but did you have different flavors going? No. Oh, okay. I got three of the cheapest burrito. Well, you started them at the same time is the weird part.

Or did you just put them together? No, I didn't stack them on top of each other and then, you know. Like Scooby-Doo? Yeah, I wasn't like, oh, you know how they add put two sandwiches on top of each. I would do that with burritos. I don't know how they do that. How do they do? We're talking about the same thing.

Is that really what I've never watched? I'm trying to dig you out of the hole you've made for yourself. I don't make holes. Are you passing up a great opportunity to make fun of the fact that Tom thinks that people just put two sandwiches on top of each other? What the fuck is a double double? What do you think a double double is? It's a double cheeseburger. It's a hamburger with two patties of meat.

That is not two sandwiches. That is two patties of meat. Or what the fuck is the McDonald's thing where they put a... First of all, the McGang Bang is a user-created invention. Second of all, don't distract from the fact that you were eating a pan flute of burritos. This wasn't even recent. But, you know, I used to do that all the time. Back in the old days before I got burrito sober.

Yeah. I've changed, man. You know. Oh, people talk about how I used to drink too much. They have no idea the way I'd eat at one time. I mean, I casually won a taco eating contest, and I wasn't even trying. I was like Larry Bird winning the three-point contest in his warm-ups. Yeah.

With the windbreaker Larry. It looked like someone winning a three-point shot fucking contest blindfolded and then still scratching their balls. All right, let's stop inflating the legacy of your taco eating victory. I don't have a lot. Every time he tells a story, it's a couple more tacos. He did it a little quicker. It's been 31 the whole time.

You and your big blue ox were eating infinity tacos. Now, if my right arm hadn't gotten numb, I It's been 31 the whole time. You and your big blue ox were eating Infinity Tacos. Now, if my right arm hadn't gotten numb, I would have been signing significant autographs. The point is, there's no longer a $10 tier for the base dog. But yeah. Yeah, so, you know. Also, please listen to Leaving the Tribe. Yeah, listen. Yep, for great.

Good show. For the opposite of that. Yeah, literally. Do that. Go listen to Coherent, Tom. Fucking hang out with your Mean Boys fans, fellow fans, rather, on the Reddit, the Discord, all that shit. Everybody's having a good time over there. We got anything else?

No, I don't think so. I think all you got to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy this week's episode with Mr. Brett Erickson. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I lost my hearing in Afghanistan. I was listening to the heavy metal music that just got there last week. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Gary. I'm Brett Erickson. And I'm John Lennon if he ate the guy who killed him.

Tom is wearing some circular Beatles glasses you got from your sister. No, they're not really sunglasses. They look like they're... No, they help with the sun. Like, the tint on them is like 10% past clear. So whatever they're doing in terms of sun protection is not nearly canceling out what they are doing against your overall look.

It matches. It matches the shirt. The tint is pink on top of it. It doesn't. Yeah, no. It gives me the same. It's the same. Well, no.

I mean, they match the shirt and you stole those from sister, and you got the shirt from a homeless man. No, I bought the shirt at a Goodwill. Oh, okay. Yeah. You showed him. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you, Connor. I buy some things.

Somebody else stole it from a homeless man and gave it to the Goodwill. The roundabout way you did steal it from a homeless guy. Yeah, it's a good shirt. Honestly, the vibe, the strewed of both the glasses and the shirt are similar. Which is, I don't trust politicians. I mean, it's the kind of shirt that, like, the 62-year-old white lady wears

while she's gardening in Berkeley. You know what I mean? Like, it's very... It's the edgiest shirt of 2006. Yeah. Sure. Everybody who still has their Jill Stein bumper sticker on their fucking car. Yeah.

It's, are you tired, big guy, from all that rocking against Bush you've been doing? Are you guys going to sit here and keep describing my mom all episode? And the glasses look like the kind of shitty sunglasses you get at Venice Beach, but not that you buy that you like find on the ground. Yeah, I do find a lot of shit on the ground. What? No way. Those glasses only exist to be thrown away. I had my aviators, but I lost yesterday in the mosh pit.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. You guys went concerting. Yeah, I went to my first concerting. I realized too late I am too fat for a pit. It was funny. We went to see the original Misfits last night. It was a hell of a time.

And Keith goes, and he's going to go mosh for a horror business. So I see him go get into the pit, and I'm like, oh, good for Keith. And then I get worried for a second because I kind of lost him, and I was trying to find him. And I was like, oh, no, there he definitely is. Because it was just compared to the hulking cholos in the Misfits crowd, it was just little old fucking Keith

skanking his way through the I don't want to be the Thomas the Tank Engine. It was funny watching all the jiggle with each of the skank arms. I know what happens, man. Dude, I billow like a fucking flag at half-mast. It was so fucking funny.

And I felt bad because you were having a great time, but I was just laughing. I was not watching it. That was the best part of the whole show for me. You know how fat you've got to be to be more embarrassing than Glenn dancing? I was about to say that exactly. You piece of shit. The vibe you mosh with is, I told you I could, Dad.

Like, it's very, like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get, like, very proud. You bring your elbows, like, above your head, which I... Yeah, it's... That's how you keep your head from getting punched. Honestly, Keith's elbows are the only ones

I'm not worried about in the pit. I mean, it's basically like a pillow fight. Yeah, it's a real bumper boat scenario. Yeah, that's elbows are the only ones I'm not worried about in the pit. I mean, it's basically like a pillow fight. Yeah, it's a real bumper boat scenario. Yeah, that's not hurting anybody. Well, the best part is I fucking, I am like tremendously wounded today, not even by another person. I just was alone in the pit at one point. Yeah, that's my favorite. I was fucking banana peeled on a spilled beer.

So I'm on the ground. There is no one around me. And everyone's just like, well, the fatty went down. Yeah, dude. Moshing was fun. I tweeted this, but it was amazing how naked all the Misfits fans looked without their knife. What a violent-looking group of people. Yeah, a lot of guys with very blatant exposed swastika tattoos.

Yeah, yeah. No, there was – well, I also love that you took a video of me moshing, and there was two fights in the opening act for one song. Tom, I'm not going to listen to you speak until you fix your glasses. They're fixed. What's happening to them? They're sliding off your ass. I can't take my eyes off of them.

Tom buffered wrong. Yeah, it's fucking weird. It's like we put them on a dog as a joke. You know what I'm saying? Have you moshed recently? What's the last time you moshed? Oh, gosh. Years and years and years ago before maybe Metallica.

Okay. I like Metallica. See, that sounds like. And Justice for All Tour, 1987. Holy shit. That would have been a scary pit, I imagine. Yeah, that was real. But that's when I was like 21 or something.

So it seemed like the right thing to do. But I wouldn't do that now. This was a lot of people without health insurance that worked at a warehouse trying not to get too hurt to forklift. It's pretty much they're like, let's have some fun. But I mean, I got to lift those boxes tomorrow. Oh, the Rise Against pit, That one was fucking gnarly. Oh, yeah, because that's for fucking 19-year-olds who are mad at the government to go beat each other up. The side of my head still hurts.

That's a young man's game. Yeah, no, that one was fucking brutal. Sing a song about how much the government sucked 15 years ago. If you would have worn the blame Yale shirt to a rise against show, you would have gotten laid. Yeah, it's so funny. I remember there's some good rise against interview you would have gotten laid yeah it's so funny about it like i remember there's some good like rise against interview where he like he's they're just like yeah we were like rocking against the clinton administration we had no idea how bad

this shit was gonna get you know it's a real knife to a gunfight fucking scenario yeah uh but fuck yeah the the misfit show was pretty uh it was pretty great trying to think of some other high where Where was it? At the Bank of California at the Soccer Stadium. Where the Galaxy played. Oh, shit. Right on. Yeah. Very punk vibe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I have an idea. I'm going to start up a band. It's going to be called Black

Dads. It's going to be a Black Flag cover band, but it's all going to be Black Dads as the band, and then they're going to just parody all of the Black flag music about about fatherhood that's not very niche yeah there's there's already a t-shirt that's been on the internet since like 2008 there was a t-shirt that was literally in front of tom when he was explaining this to me yesterday oh really there was a guy in a dad bod black flag shirt right but

not black dads yes well i feel like if anybody's ready to make some sort of punk black fatherhood crossover it's you a man who barely understands either of those i'm not saying i'm just saying it looks like he just found out there were black people yesterday i'm gonna put together the band i don't have to be in it you need a tycoon you're going to be the exploitative manager of the Black Flag. The Colonel Tom Park cover band. Yeah, the Colonel Tom guys. What was the guy for N.W.A.?

Jerry Lewis, what was his name? Yes, Jerry Lewis managed N.W.A. He'd have his telethons every year to raise money for wrestling. You could only call in from a pay phone for the Jerry Stewart NWA telethons. Jerry Orenthal? What the fuck was his name? Jerry Heller, Tom. Jerry Heller. Emily's dad.

Yeah, I could be the black dad's Jerry Heller. Okay. There's not a worse thing to say publicly you want to be than Jerry Heller. Why? You saw the movie. I saw half.

How about a... It doesn't end great. How about it's a Misfits cover band, but it's just the Misfits, but the Fitz is capitalized, and it's just guys wearing Tom's clothes playing Misfits songs. Dude, I could not believe the lack of shirt the one guy had and the excessive amount of shirt the other guy had. Who are you... What about any of the information you gave us made me made you think i could tell what you were talking about well you

were talking about the misfits that i was talking about the misfits oh talk about clothes he's talking about doyle being shirtless and then jerry only wearing his weird fucking umpire vest oh yeah yeah yeah yeah are you do you familiar with the misfits at all sort of not really yeah it kind of seems like it seems too corny for you. You know? It seems a little bit... I never was that into punk rock. I was always heavy metal, like 80s metal, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden.

Okay. And then when I went to college, then it was all Smiths and The Replacements and that kind of shit. Yeah, you probably... And I just missed it all, you know? The sad boy bell curve. It's the trajectory, yeah. I'm not really a Misfits fan either. That's why I thought it was so funny.

What sucks about when you miss a certain kind of music when you're a certain age is you end up getting into it embarrassingly late. You know what I mean? It's like, I should have been a Joy Division guy when I was 15. That would have been fine. That's okay. Instead should have been a Joy Division guy when I was 15. That would have been fine. That's okay.

Instead, I became a Joy Division guy at 26 when I had a whole credit card. That's the official age of being embarrassed that you used to like Joy Division. Yeah, it's like I'm not slamming the door for anybody anymore. I live on my own, you know? Yeah, I don't listen to them. I don't know them. Great addition to it. Look, I had a piggyback off of yours,

which is I listened to Joy Division recently. No, I was making an observation, but when you get into a kind of music that's like, oh, I should have gotten into this when I was a kid, but instead I'm old and I feel like an idiot. I had a point of view going, and then you just said, I don't know that.

Yeah, both equally. I don't know that. Yeah, both equally. I don't know or care what you're talking about. I have no thoughts on it. Equally relevant statements for the conversation. It's like a Facebook comment. This is stupid, and I don't care about it. Well, thanks for commenting. I essentially want to ask you to be here.

I'm not saying it was a great serve. I'm not saying it was a great serve, but I hit the volleyball up in the air, and Tom went, I'm more of a soccer guy. And Tom is visibly distracted by something in your closet. Connor, do you have Thanos sandals? Did you not know this? No. Yeah, I got the infinity crocs.

What the fuck are you doing? Those are free. I didn't buy those. No, no, no. He definitely thought you went and bought those on the sketchy guy in Alhambra. Oh, yeah, yeah. It looks like something I'd find and then lose on purpose. You are talking a tall game with those glasses.

Yeah, I will not have you come into my room and shit on my possessions. Getting besmirched by Vietnam vet Blossom over here. Yeah. Can you do more weird chuckle wheezes into the microphone? Can you giggle at more things the listener can't see? Tom, you're really knocking this one out of the park. They look so bad. Yeah, I don't know.

There's something about having a best friend in a Pikachu and a Star Trek. I don't know. I just wasn't expecting that Pikachu and a Star Trek. I don't know. I just wasn't expecting that. That's all shit that people gave me that I feel bad about throwing away. Right. Except for the Crocs. I took those. I wasn't expecting to see that. I just was.

I was. Yeah. It tickled my funny bone. Well, a Mean Boys fan gave me a Pikachu, and I'm just like, well, it's nice that he did that. I like the Pikachu. I have a Psyduck somewhere. Oh, yeah.

He gave me one, too. Oh, well, hey, if we're keeping track on who's the best gift receiver, mine is displayed proudly in my room, and you guys, you're Pokemon or MIA. So much for gratitude to the listeners, guys. You ever have somebody give you weird shit on the road? Drugs. Oh. We're very direct with the Stan Hope audience that we'll take any of the drugs they have.

And Doug doesn't want them, so we'll just take them. See, I feel like Brett's whole disposition is just like, you guys like your pop punk doo-wop. I was listening to heavy metal. You guys get Pokemon from your fans, I get ecstasy. Every weekend cocaine will go elsewhere. I've got enough shit, you know what I mean? I don't need anything else I don't like tchotchkes or knickknacks really

Unless it's got like some I have a few sentimental possessions But aside from that People give me shit and I'm just like I live with a woman She's got shit already So there's no more room for any of my shit I barely have a corner

of a one-bedroom closet. No woman has ever looked at a dude and been like, I wish you owned more stuff. I really want to share more space. My gifts repel women, and I'm okay with that. You sure it's the gifts? Yeah, he leaves a dead bird on their doorstep. He went out hunting for the family.

I already have a cat. Brett, I have two battle axes. Yeah, that's not a good... You have two girlfriends? Come on. My ex-wife. Cat. You'll battle it.

Where did that phrase come from? I don't know. Some guy, just a stout-ass dwarven wife? What do we do? I've heard pussies called axe wounds before. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is one of the worst. Like when I'm really trying to be crass, I'll go slice is a pretty.

Hatchet wound. Hatchet wound, yeah. That's a tough one. Hatchet is somehow worse than axe because it's more torque on it. Fish muffin is one of them. You've got to get in there closer. Yeah, exactly. With a hatchet. You've got to really want there closer. Yeah, exactly. With a hatchet.

You've got to really want to. It's like you were a Boy Scout once, but now you've gone bad. That's the equivalent of going out and killing a deer to become a man. Yeah. Yeah. I did. I think I mentioned this in the bonus episode. I did send a girl.

Well, this was actually happening because I was in Vegas. I did send a girl. I'm going to go ahead and tell this story real quick. Yeah i met this i met this one girl we were talking it was a it was a long distance thing we were talking and i was like we had this inside joke and she thought i was bi because someone poured a candle in my ass at a mean boy show so i said which i don't know why she thought that meant i was bi but she thought i was bi. So I sent her a box of a bunch of mean boy shit, including two candles, which I wrote, you know, they were Jesus candles. Right. So like, I am gay for Jesus's thoughts.

Put them in the box. I'm very creative. This is the top notch comedy that makes you the 593rd most popular podcast on iTunes. So, yeah, I had that with a bunch of merch. And then I sent it to her. And then she gets it. And she goes, hey, what's the inside joke with all the broken glass? I just sent her.

I didn't wrap the candles. I just mailed her a crate of broken glass. And she also, she was like, I've heard about Keith now. Because she had a sticker of Keith at the piano asleep. which is one of our merch so you're like i think i'm gonna throw away so i just also said like 50 of those stickers so really what this package looked like to any outside observers that i was trying to murder yeah it was just a bunch of sleepy keiths covered in shattered glass 80 pictures of me and a box of potential stab wounds yeah yeah it's like i guess the joker has been concussed because usually with his cryptic little calling cards,

it's got a beginning, middle, and an end, but broken glass and fat guy piano stickers. I don't know what he's... It's like the Joker, but it's a joke being told by your mom who can't quite remember how a joke goes. Yes, yeah, yeah. So fuck that up pretty bad. I tried to make it up. I sent her flowers with the note that said, sorry about sending you broken glass. But then through a series of mishaps,

the flowers were on fire. Yes. How did you not think that the glass wouldn't break if you just put it in? I thought the stickers would cushion it. I wrote Fraggle on it. They thought there were puppets in there, and they said, well, those are pretty pretty durable and they were just throwing them around

and one thing led to another and I shipped her a little fucking Antifa box I meant to put fragile on it but I accidentally I did the self mail thing and I accidentally instead of sending it to her address I sent it to our address

and I realized you sent yourself a box of broken glass. And then I got so preoccupied with changing that that I forgot to tell Booster. I had to remember two things at one time.

What am I, the Pope? Tom really tried to make that seem like a common mistake when he said, I did that self-mail thing that everybody does where you try to give something to your girlfriend

but you drive to the post office just to bring it back to your house not a girlfriend but yeah yeah setting a box of broken glasses maybe maybe the dumbest thing i did that month it was it's pretty yeah that's all folks you ever had a gift like backfire on a girl, Brad? Brad? Did you just call me Brad? I did call you Brad.

Fuck, I'm sorry. Did you ever have a question backfire on one of your podcasts? Brad, you're in here. Yeah, I had a pretty, I think the one that was like, they ended up worse for me was I was seeing this girl and I got us a vibrating cock ring for when we were going to have sex. And I was like, oh, this will be fun. She's like, you know, wanted to spice things up.

And I was like, well, yeah, it'll be a fun little adventure. I'd used them before. I'd mentioned that to her in the past, you know, so I got a brand new one and it comes wrapped in this like clamshell packaging. It's like, you know, so...

I don't think you clarified that you got it brand new and not secondhand. Yeah. Well, that's important in the story. But yeah, clamshell packaging is a pretty funny kind of packaging for a cock ring. It's going in a clam again as soon as you take it out of there. Am I right, fellas?

Battleaxe. Battleaxe. The old Battleaxe. So I get it unwrapped, and I keep it in my pocket or whatever, and then we go over there, and we're hooking up. And I take it out and she's like she just storms out of the room and I'm like what and she's like you're gonna fucking put that on and have sex with me and I was like

yeah that's the idea and she's like that's already been inside someone else's pussy and I'm like no it's a brand new one and she's like I don't think you can afford a new cock ring what she's like there's no way you're lying you're full of shit and I was like, there's no way. You're lying. You're full of shit. And I was like, well, there's 20, but

I don't even think I ended up ever using it. Also, a second hand, like, as long as you wash it, you're fine. Yeah, you see? It was a reusable product. But it was fucking dead stock mint condition. I believe you. Were you supposed to propose a cock ring on one knee

and open a box in front of her? Cricket. Actual cricket. Yeah, go for it. Cricket me. Lots of crickets. Cricket me. Cricket me.

I did. Yeah, keep doing it, motherfucker. No. Answer the question, Connor. Hey, are we in a low-income neighborhood? Because there's a lot of cricket going on. Wireless. Yeah, cricket wireless.

But have you, Brad? You didn't answer my question. I can't think of anything. I've been with my wife for so long that we don't even do gifts. You know what I mean? That sounds fucking great. It's perfect, dude. I don't have wacky sitcom-y type things like that happen.

We just hang out. How long have you guys been together? 18 years. Oh, shit. Wow. I love the we don't have to give each other gifts phase of the relationship. You know what I mean? It's great.

Her birthday is coming up in July, and she wants to go to the beach. Perfect. Yeah. I can do that. I'm into that. Fuck, does she have a sister? Man, this sounds great. You describing this as our story as a wacky sitcom made me realize

that everyone in this house is Kramer. It's just a whole house. Yeah, and you think it sounds great. Oh, he's kind of only funny next to three normal guys. It's like having a band that's all drummers. It's all Kramer. It's just a little stressful. That's like six flavor

Flaves. Not going to be the best music. Yeah. You know? Four Horseshacks. Yeah. Remember Horseshack? No. Welcome Back, Cotter? That's the old reference for all the old Mean Boys fans out there. That is a preposterous old reference. That was John Travolta's sitcom with Gabe Kaplan as the teacher. Is that the beat of the show?

And Horseshack was the wacky character who always raised his hand and went, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, when he was trying to get called on, and that was like his catchphrase. That qualified as comedy in 1979 look at that guy raised crazy he raised his hand four seasons and a million dollars yeah we really ron palillo we talk a lot about like inflation with like the economy off the dome like like like like you know money is worth like less than it used to be but like there's been a good deal of comedy inflation you know where it's like back in the day you know, money is worth less than it used to be, but there's been a good deal of comedy inflation. You know, where it's like back in the day,

a dollar could buy you a whole pizza, and it's like going ooh, ooh, ooh. It was like, oh, wow, that's fucking, how does he come up with this stuff, you know? Imagine being the first guy who did the banana peel. You know what I mean? And being like, oh, I just beat the game. This made me think, I want a Mario Kart mod

where we just put you in Mario Kart, but it's you skanking. And you get wrecked and go off of cliffs and things. I just bounce into a Mexican. Yeah, and I only play Rainbow Road so I can keep making the same four jokes. There you go. Yeah. That'd be good.

I've already run through about how many 1980s sexist comedy tropes I did. Does she have a sister? I did Battle Axe. Well, there's one more in there. It's pretty, yeah. Yeah, you'll be doing it. Clam. Yeah, Clam.

Yeah. I would have fucking thrived if I could have been around in Welcome Back, Cotter Times. Oh, man. You're the only person I know who's been a surly 50-year-old man since you were 20 years old. I used to really like esoteric, cutting-edge, interesting comedy. And the more I did it, I was just like, I just kind of like to do things that didn't make it into the all-in-the-family script because they were not clever enough. The very first road gig I did, the headliner was this guy named Mike Hessman. And he went by Chainsaw

Mike Hessman. Bad start. Fuck yeah. Because his big closer, and he had this on a bumper sticker if you wanted to buy it after the show for $3. That his wife was like a chainsaw because she was always going

nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, Chainsaw because she was always going, work fucking casinos until you die. Yeah. He's dead now, I assume. Oh, well, that's good at least. What's his name again? Let's look him up. Mike Hessman. Chainsaw Mike Hessman. Chainsaw Mike. I wonder if he's dropped Chainsaw from his name by now.

Oh, hell, if he's still doing it, he's still selling the buffers. That implies, yeah, that implies he's written a new closer. Yeah, just not. Well, just knowing like old road headliners, like once you strike gold, you stay with that, you know? Don't change it. Yeah. Dude, like when Clinton was back in the news, man, that was fucking...

There's dudes that were just like, fucking, I got two more years on this shit. I'm bringing it back. Everybody blowing the dust off their Monica Lewinsky shit. Oh, yeah. Dude, I had a great Michael Phelps bit in 2008. And every four years, I just get to fucking bring it back. You're the only person in the world excited about the Olympics? He's back.

He's still doing it. Is he really? I don't know, but that's how I feel when I find out he is. He's like, he's out of retirement. Kick ass. I found his comedy bio on the Hysterical Management website. Oh, boy. Which was made, last update, it looks like 2005.

So we're on a GeoCities page right now. Oh, straight up. Mike's everyman personality and universal appeal combined with fast-paced, high-energy performances make him truly coast-to-coast comic. What? That means not New York or Los Angeles. Yeah. Yes.

That means Edgerton likes to enjoy Akron. Make him truly fly over affordable. His credits include being the only Guinness World Record holder for most jokes told in 24 hours, 12,682, a winner of HBO's Best of the Midwest. I think that show was about hamburgers. It's really comic to win a Guy Fieri competition. And a regular on USA's Up All Night.

Mike's show has broad appeal since most people are either married, know someone who is, or have at least heard of the concept. Are you fucking kidding me? I kind of love that, actually. That's probably in his act, that line right there. Oh, yeah.

You can travel with Mike through the trials of dating, getting married, having children, and dealing with it all. This guy sounds like he's covering a lot of ground. He's doing a whole hour on dating and marriage, and it still takes him an hour to get to nag, nag, nag, nag. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Does he open with it or close with it? You know what I mean? Closed with it. Yeah, you got to.

Well, how do you come back for the fucking chance? How do you follow that? Yeah. After listening to Mike for a while while you will know the truth he's a nice guy with a wife three children and an attitude family life has never been funnier that's that's not a great truth now let's look at his picture there he is oh it's alternate universe me? Yeah. Fuck, dude. My wife's like a chainsaw because I can't lift her without breathing weird. Whoa. It looks like someone is trying to sell an autographed headshot of him.

Oh, shit. For $49? Any takers? Let me see. Well, no. Zero bids. This is definitely Mike Hessman. Whoever was selling it to you would self-mail it back to themselves.

Yeah. Covered in broken glass. As is the chainsaw way. Well, Tom was actually trying to copyright sending his girl he was seeing broken glass. So he mailed it to himself. Tom, I dare you to change your stage name to Chainsaw Tom Goss for six months. For six months? Let's see what happens.

Did you guys ever hear about... It could make me less bookable. There was a time when Brendan Walsh started going by the name Brendan Walsh the Party Starter. And then pretended he didn't know anything about Darren Carter doing that. And then Darren was hitting him up going, hey man, what are you doing? Sorry, my stupid phone isn't on silent.

So Darren Carter hits him up and is like, what are you doing? I'm Darren Carter, the party starter. I just start parties. So I don't know what you're talking about. I start parties, so I don't know what you're talking about. I start parties, so I'm Brendan Walsh.

And then Darren was explaining to him, like, well, but mine rhymes. And Brendan's like, yeah, I don't get what that has to do with it. I start parties. That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. If you're Brendan, you've got to be like, I dare him to sue me. The case of party starterter v. Party Starters. Yeah, he's writing, you know, they're bringing Crank Yankers back. Yeah, they're filming across the street from where we are.

I've got to be Conor McSpadden, the love master. I'm just going to be v. Keith Carey. Oh, yeah. I think I might have been on it yesterday because I got a really weird phone call. But it was so early in the morning that I just wasn't able to. It was this old lady, and I pick up the phone, and it was an unlisted or unknown number from L.A. Right. But I do get a lot of weird calls.

And so I pick it up, and she's like, will you bring the toilet paper? And I'm like, what? She's like, will you bring the toilet paper? And I'm like, what? She's like, bring over the toilet. And then, so we go back and forth for a little while and then she's like, oh, I'm sorry, is this brownie? And I'm like, and so then I thought, you know, I said, oh, I think you have the wrong number. I thought I was getting pranked. Yeah.

And then, because it occurred to me it was Brendan. And then this person went, oh, please don't hang up. I'm so lonely since my husband died. Please, I just need a friend. And that's when I'm like, I'm sorry, ma'am. Hang in there. And I just hung up because I couldn't deal with that.

Wow. But I hope it was cranking. If you didn't get cranked, that's just a chilling tale of loneliness. But either way, I couldn't deal with it. Like, I hadn't had coffee yet, so I couldn't play along properly to a good prank without giving away that I knew or just making it stupid. Rather than that ruins it. And then I definitely couldn't have dealt with that if it was a real thing that was happening. Yeah.

That's outside your jurisdiction. Way, way, way. Just getting Dear John dialed by a spinster is just kind of haunting actually sitting there alone and old and she got poop on her butt because she didn't get the toilet paper yeah i kind of love that as an idea for a tv show is make people think you're doing crank anchors call them but they just put old broken people on the phone watch the other guy react like it's some fucking prank you know you know the guy you're the guy who takes like 40 minutes to order at subway because he's 65 and nobody

calls him anymore and he's just telling his life story about first time i ever had a pickle and i don't want any by the way was last time i was in the black forest was the big one, WWII. We didn't see any ham, but we saw a lot of krauts. You know, when my wife was alive... Anyway, I'll take a flatbread. When my wife was alive, she wouldn't let me eat mayonnaise. And I still don't because, well, I just... I have nothing. Because, well, she's technically alive, just not mentally.

Oh, yeah. Call it a medically assisted coma that's that's sad when somebody wins that race you know and there's someone who's still with it and the other one that's just like i pooped in the store you know like he's like well guess i'm gonna ride this out yeah and you can't that's that point it's like what are you gonna do yeah you're not gonna you're not gonna get a divorce at 80 and you can't like well they'd just be sorry they'd be dead if you didn't they didn't have you there yeah so it's pretty much just like having a dog you used to fuck i guess that would be like i guess i can hit her i don't know who's gonna stop

me that'd be that'd be a great angle for a domestic abuser, just like giving her artificial sweeteners. He's like, once the dementia kicks in. I'm playing the long con on this one. Yep. You've heard this is the next level grooming. Pouring stevia into an iced tea and polishing boxing gloves. Yeah, like the Malcolm in the Middle where he's trying to keep Lois fat because he's a chubby chaser. Yeah.

Wow, guys. Yeah, my uncle used to piss in the fridge. Hmm. I came out of left field. Well, no, he had dementia. Oh, okay. I should have probably seen the pieces coming together on that one.

It doesn't feel like a prerequisite for that activity. Yeah, you guys just thought that we were just pissing in fridges. It's just like sometimes my dick gets hot. Like did this once or like on the reg? No, that was his thing. Okay.

I peed and then put it in the fridge once. Why? I was trying to trick my buddy into drinking a Corona that was my piss. So I put it in the fridge and then he was too late coming home from work and I was like, well, I want another beer and drinking a Corona that was my piss. So I put it in the fridge. And then he was too late coming home from work. And I was like, well, I want another beer. And I forgot which one was the piss.

So I was like, well, I'm going to go for this one. And it turned out that was the piss. You didn't smell it? What? It just smelled like Corona because I drank a lot of beers at this point. But wouldn't that one have already had the lid off? There were multiple open ones. We were trash people.

Jesus. Look, I try to live slightly better than this now. Well, you're supposed to at least put a lime in the piss. Look, I've fed people pee before. This is not my first rodeo. I just beefed it this time. My beef with the story is that as a professional alcoholic, any open to beer should be finished.

Right. They shouldn't go back in the fridge. So if one's in there, there shouldn't be two. That's just not doing your job. I don't disagree with you. I don't know how the other open it. No, Brad is an environmentalist. Yeah, we used to get each other to drink piss back when we were kids.

Mostly Nick. Yeah, we had mostly the one guy. Everybody's got to have a role in the group. Yeah. You got the muscle, the the brains the piss guy well they literally just told him it was lemon vodka and it was just piss and vodka it was just not creative really right because it was a lot of like go raid the parents liquor cabinet come back outside with the gatorade bottle full of you know mystery booze right and uh so you know they got a little vodka and a lot of piss, and then Nick just threw up all over the driveway,

and we were just all high-fived, and it was... If someone did that to me, I'd beat the fuck out of them. That's the only thing keeping people from doing those kinds of things to me, is I have a no-fuse. I'm not going to put up with that shit. I can't think of a person I'd want to prank less than you. I can really only describe Nick as he had the life of Eminem

if he wasn't good at anything. Every other white rapper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just wasn't like... He had nothing to lose. He had that going for him in a fight, but they could certainly take him, so he just sort of had to... It was also like, who are you going to hang out with?

Everybody got a little bit of it yeah firecrackers in the sock while you're sleeping it's fun uh i mean i remember pretty vividly them uh them farting bare ass on a uh six-year-old's face oh my god how old were these kids oh fuck i don't they were like what's fucked up is there i was like maybe like 13, 12. They were probably 17, 18. Okay, so they assaulted a child. Yeah. To be fair, he was a piece of shit, this six-year-old. Like if you were going to bare-ass fart on a six-year-old's face.

Sort of a nature nurture thing, though. Getting farted directly onto your face, that can make you an asshole. That kid grew up to be a serial killer 100 well yeah he's cutting scalps off fucking drifters right now i gotta still smell the pain i gotta find the picture i gotta see what that kid looks like now because i just can't like i have no idea but anyway yeah but just like ass cheeks around the nose you look it up like flapping over him and him just waking up like, ah! And then them holding a pillow over his head so he didn't wake their mom up and get us in trouble.

Full metal jacket in him? Pretty much, yeah. And I was like, I don't know about this, guys. And they're just like, I was by far the least respected bitch of the group. So I didn't have much say. I was kind of lucky to be at the sleepover. You were less respected than the piss guy. I was mostly kept around because I had a pool, you know, during the summertime.

So that was my one. And then a kid that was cooler with a bigger pool moved in. And then you were over. I lost a lot of, yeah. The life of quiet isolation. That's when you should have found Joy Division, right at that moment. That would have been the time. But instead I waited until I had car insurance.

In front of an empty swimming pool. Yeah, yeah. That is maybe the worst poolside band. You know what I mean? No one's ready for summer fun. Yep. I guess love will tear us apart. In the cabana. Isn't that NXS? Why am I? I guess love will tear us apart Wait what?

In a cabana Isn't that NXS? Why am I Never tear us apart Yeah yeah yeah Man they always make the same Named fucking songs There's a lot of different words though

A lot of the same words They're literally the opposite A lot of similar words though Fartface's dad was actually His name actually was Jeremy Fartfacci. Yeah. Fartface. He was like the step...

Italian for fartface. He was the stepdad of my buddy, and he was like a... Just like a... Just quietly depressed, abusive, suburban UPS guy. You know the guy, right? So he would always listen to like books on tape on how to be a millionaire and shit like that you know just sad shit and i only ever really talked to him once and it was just about how much he loved the show rockstar in excess he was like

they're gonna i can't believe they're replacing him but these guys are giving him a run for his money and i was like this is what brings you joy in this way you're the one guy who watched this yeah he was could not wait for the next episode of Rockstar Red Excess. I love weird dad interests. Yeah. You're just kind of trapped in the burbs. What is the weird thing? My stepdad got really into when we were actually stable and lived in the suburbs and had money.

He just got really into those books where they try and figure out when the rapture is going to happen. Oh, fuck. Like that weird crypto Bible shit where he's like, I think it's going to be in three years. I'm like, well, probably not, but I guess we'll see. It's like, what is step two of your plan? Did he do any, like, did he prep for it? Did he, like, spend all the money? He can't even really prep for the rapture because it's like everyone's getting pulled up.

So he was just sort of like, we'll be out of here. I'm like, do I still have to live with you when we do that? Well, I know we had a buddy that, like, his parents, like, we'll be out of here. I'm like, do I still have to live with you when we do that? Well, I know we had a buddy that his parents switched the bank accounts. They believed in the rapture so hard that they were like, well, after you get left behind because you're a sinner, we want you to at least be able to have our money. Oh, shit. Sweet. And I think he took all of it and spent it on drugs. Yeah, that seems like what you do.

Yeah, but they had a bunch of shit where they were just like all in, straight up give the dude all the money, go up to the hill in the cloak. I would pay a million dollars to see minute one after they realized the rapture's not coming. Dude, that would have just been like any second now. I wonder if there's footage of those. At what point are you like, I think it's still coming, but I'm hungry, so we eat Applebee's and then we come back and try and finish up this rapture. Keith's had the same experience with the bus a lot of times, I think. But it's probably affected your life a lot more.

I have had to do that. The bus is coming in three minutes. Left behind. The 7-Eleven's right there. Do I have time to get a hot dog and get back to the bus? Yes. The poor guy mission impossible. That's crank for Keith Carey.

Can I get a nacho-licious hurricane and go to where I need to go two hours late. No, never. Have you had to fucking chase down the bus with a taquito in hand? Dude, I had one where literally I ran that hustle, I missed it, and I had to sleep on a bench for six hours. Fuck. It was the last bus at Orange County. Using the box as a pillow. You used to have the pizza inside of it.

Exactly. I just realized the way you walk when you're moshing, same way you walk when you're holding a hot dog. Here's the problem. I was going to ask how often you've seen me walk with a hot dog, and then I realized it's pretty freaked out. Yeah, I just realized that. This is the best thing that ever happened to me on a Greyhound. I don't usually buddy up with people, but I made some friends and we were talking. We were going to Chicago or something.

And we're sitting in the back of the bus and there's this kind of annoying guy. And he's not, like, developmentally disabled, but he's slow. You know, there's like an in-between tier. He's in the Gump Meridian. Yes, exactly. He's like an oaf. He's like an in-between tier. He's in the Gump Meridian. Yes, exactly. He's like an oaf. He's like an oaf tier. Yeah.

You know, and he's just kind of like, and he's like, really? Like, he's got like some sort of like amount of money safety pinned to his shirt. That's his travel budget. And he's got like $5 or something. And he can't, we pull off and there's like a Wienerschnitzel and the Foster's Freeze and a McDonald's and a gas station. And he gets off. He's like, do I go to the Wienerschnitzel or do I go to the McDonald's? Do I go to the McDonald's?

I could go to the Foster's Free, but then I can't go to the gas station. Well, if I could go to get – and then he's overwhelmed by the options. Right. Right. And he's like flipping out. He keeps asking people to borrow like weird – like he's going to have 32 cents, you know, and we're like, I'm lying, you know, and then he's in there looking around. And we all kind of lose track.

And when we get back in the bus and the Greyhound bus drivers don't fuck around. If you're not on the bus, they're leaving without you. They got that. And they're just like, well, I guess that guy's gone. By the way, I mean, leaving him to his death. He is not. His man will be picked off by vultures before he's dead. Now, this woman will get a stern talking to from whatever Star Wars alien works at the Greyhound station we arrive at.

This man will starve in the cold. And we all just kind of go, well, I guess he's going to die. He's a dumb, dumb tad. He's going to live in blithe. We start pulling away. just kind of go, well, I guess he's gonna die. Dumb Dumb Ted, he's gonna live in Blythe. We start pulling away. We get to the red light right outside where we were. This man comes running with two hot dogs. Akimbo

hot dogs. He's dual wielding. He's like a John Wick. He is running. The hot dogs go flying behind him. They hit him. They're all over him. His pants go down. Oh, no.

He stands in front of the bus in his underpants, pants around his ankle, banking on the... Ah! Not even let me in, just making sounds. And the bus driver has to be fucking, get on the bus. And then he comes, sits down right next to us. He's very mad we didn't have his back.

If we'd lent him the 33 cents, this wouldn't have been an issue. He's covered in mustard. There's mustard on everything. It was fucking great. Yeah, we've been friends ever since. Ah, shit. All right. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after this.

Murray Rose and Talent Agency. how may I direct your call? Please hold, Mr. Clooney. Welcome to the Murray Rose and Talent Agency. Can I please have your name? I'm Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State of... Oh, right, right, right. You're the ISIS guy. I have a three o'clock with Murray.

It's 3.15. Parking was a whole thing. You can head on in. He's waiting. Hey, Abeem, come on in. Have a seat. It's Abu.15. Parking was a whole thing. You can head on in. He's waiting. Hey, Abeem, come on in. Have a seat. It's Abu. That's what I said.

Come on, sit. You need anything? Water? LaCroix? I can have Nancy grab it. It's no problem. No. And I do not care for this Nancy.

She's a disrespectful harlot with the revealing sweaters and loose tongue. Hey, baby, come on. It's not the 70s anymore. You can't say shit like that. Good old days are slipping away, I tell you. Right. So, you wanted to see me. What do you got?

We are planning a targeted series of car bombings in Luxembourg. The flag of ISIS will fly high over the streets, flowing with the blood of the Western pigs. Luxembourg? That's the best you can do? I mean, it's gonna be a big deal. Not in Luxembourg, it ain't. Look can do. I mean, it's gonna be a big deal. Not in Luxembourg it ain't. Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

You're not exactly making headlines these days. If it was still 2015, I'd say, sure, go do your little passion project, get it out of your system. But you need a big hit, and Luxembourg ain't it. Chicago, Syria, hell, I could work with another Paris, but Luxembourg, it's the crackle original series of terror plots. Like, sure, you're making a thing, but no onebourg, it's the crackle original series of terror plots.

Like, sure, you're making a thing, but no one's going to see it or give a shit. Recruitment has slowed. Perhaps if you were making us more visible, giving us this Jewish buzz you spoke of, we could increase our numbers. You don't think I'm trying? The news is crowded these days. The president's tweeting at three in the morning, that chubby dyke in North Korea's stinking it up, and there's like 47 Kardashians to keep up with. Abu, I'm afraid I have to drop ISIS as a client. Murray, no, we've worked so well together. It's been pretty one-sided, Arnold.

I'm out here making calls, hustling, bustling, trying to make you a star. And when I agreed to take a 10% commission, I didn't realize I'd be getting paid in handfuls of bloody sand. I know it's been a slow couple of years, but rest assured, ISIS is still a powerful threat. Uh-huh, yeah, sure, and I'm gonna hit the gym once

my schedule clears up. Look, I've represented the best in international terror. Before he signed with my agency, bin Laden was just some hobo beating his falafel into a goat's mouth. But there's a cycle to these things. One day you're the hot new thing on the front page of every paper in the world, and then that world keeps turning, and your time is over. It's happened so many times. We're

talking Hamas, Kony, Charlie Sheen. Mr. Rosen, just a reminder, you have a 3.30 with Gavin McInnes. Thanks, Nancy. This meeting's over. Get out of my office. Chop, chop. I got places to go, people to see, fear to monger. You will regret the day you incurred the wrath of ISIS. Oh, jeepers, I guess I'll have to cancel my trip to Luxembourg. Scram! Hey, there's my special proud boy. Let me know if you want a drink. I'll send that whore Nancy on a coffee run.

All right. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. It's time to take a look at what the fuck is going on with the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Yeah. Yeah. I'll start it this week. WNBA star Sue Bird came out as a it this week. WNBA star Sue Bird came out as a lesbian this week.

And this is really shocking news, you guys. I mean, since when does the WNBA have stars? Uh, sexism. I didn't get it because I support female athletes. So it took me a second to understand your crass mischaracterization of their beautiful sports. Well, she came out and she's dating that soccer player who was like, Donald Trump's bad. And then everyone fucking freaked out. Oh, yeah.

The rap. Megan Rapinoe. Rapinoe. Yeah. Rapinoe. I still don't get the joke. And I feel bad because everyone else does. What is a star?

What is it? Just because no one gives a shit about the WNBA. Yeah, there's no such thing as a WNBA star. Right, but what does that have to do with? She's a WNBA star. This is worse than hell. You're spending five minutes explaining a mediocre joke to Tom. The gang stuff was a decoy.

Yeah. You're a professional comedian. I forgot that you said star at the beginning. Well, you had to remember something for three whole seconds. I could see how that didn't work out. That joke was short enough to be a tweet and it was still too long for Tom

to stay with it the whole time. Yeah. I like to keep jokes in two words. Loud noises. Hilarious. All right, am I up? Yeah, you're up. All right.

Violence erupted at a protest yesterday in Portland. Portland. Right-wing Proud Boys and left-wing Antifa members clashed in a park downtown after the sides couldn't agree on whether their donuts had too much or not enough voodoo. I fucking hated voodoo donuts, man. I've never been madder at a place of business. I was just like, stop being so goddamn pleased with yourself because you put Froot Loops on this. Well, they called it the gay bar.

Do you get it? Oh, good. Well, they called it the gay bar. Do you get it? Oh, good. Well, I just did. And now I'm mad. I went to the one in LA. We went to the one at Universal CityWalk, which is just maximum terrible. Oh, God. That's good.

You know how they make you put on flair in that office space? I feel like when you clock in at Voodoo Donuts, there's like, well, here's your purple wig. Well, see, this is why I'm anti... Put on your clip-on snakebite piercings. Yep, let's get you a Smith's T-shirt, and you're ready to go. Go make daddy that donut money. This is why I'm anti-rating,

because I didn't read any of the names of the donuts. I just pointed to the one that looked good to me, and then I was able to enjoy it a lot more. Tom was very not ironically excited about a menu with pictures on it. Give me the one with the Smurf dandruff. Does he mean sprinkles?

A Massachusetts mother drove into a Rhode Island reservoir with her three children in the car. Wow, some women are terrible drivers. I'm going to be really honest. Oh, God. Bless you.

I'm going to be really honest. A lot of kids are going to die this week of my joke-offs. Yeah. It's business as usual. Yeah, it's mostly dead kids. You have no idea how funny this show was when ISIS was around. Yeah, I miss ISIS. When we had ISIS to go off of.

That's going to be even funnier when you read the sketch I sent in for this week. They were the glue. They were the fifth mean boy. All right, guys. As a man proposed to his wife by tattooing, will you marry meow on his butt? The ring was made of Reddit gold. Because they're

fucking dweebs, you know? Is that a Reddit thing? Yeah, yeah. I don't like that at all. What's Reddit gold? You can pay like three bucks to tell someone good job because their cat looks like a loaf or whatever. I don't... Well,

why is the energy so sad right now? We're all realizing... Everybody but right now realizing they didn't try oh no i tried i just failed well bless your heart in the curve we grade you on all right a man is suing hardy's because he claims that the restaurant running out of hash browns was quote a violation of his civil rights. He will now be known as Rosa Parks in the handicapped spot because the sugars took his foot. All right. Yeah, we're getting right back up to a three. We got to the sugars.

Yeah. I may have opened too strongly. I still think we should, if we call diabetes the sugars, I still think we should call AIDS the glitters. I think it'd be fun. One cancer is the puffies. Oh, yeah, there you go. That's real good. Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris hit back at claims she's not as black as she claims

after tweets from the right and Donald Trump Jr. Trump Jr. tweeted, then deleted a post saying, Well, actually, Harris descended from Jamaican slaves, not American slaves, as if Jamaican slaves weren't slavey enough. Some are calling this racist. Some are right. In fact, ranking slaves by race is the racistest thing you can do. That's pretty good.

Before filling their backpacks with rocks and jumping into a lake, there's also a lot of water this week. A mother took her son to McDonald's. Apparently they both want to enjoy their last, there is no such thing as happy meal. Alright guys, New Jersey is being terrorized by 100 plus strong gangs of feral chickens roaming

the streets shouting cock-a-doodle hey! Yeah, but there's feral chicken gangs in New Jersey. You know what I think it is? My little pet theory? It was a bunch of guys trying to do the Rocky training, and they just let it get out of hand. They escaped. They unionized.

Wait, what is the Rocky thing? Where it tries to catch the chicken? Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yeah, and then you know how, like, Florida is filled with pythons because you get a python and then it gets too big and you can't handle it, you just let it go. But for people in Jersey, a chicken is just too much. Yeah. A guy can't handle it, just let it free.

I love the idea of them trying to catch the chickens by just throwing a slice of Parmesan on it. Only for the best. You wait until it gets hot. Marron. You wait till it gets hot Us Weekly is reporting that Lindsay Lohan Has signed the new record deal That record is most cocaine purchased in a single transaction World record humor Republicans

I want to see if I still have my Shitty jokes for Bill Maher to tell folder Oh okay An elderly Korean man I want to see if I still have my shitty jokes for Bill Maher to tell, Folder. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. An elderly Korean man is back home with his wife and family after spending a week lost in the San Gabriel Mountains. 73-year-old Eugene Noh got separated from his group on a hike last weekend and was missing for seven days until rescuers spotted him Friday

asleep next to a stream. He was airlifted to a local hospital and reunited with his family where he is said to be recovering from the most peaceful week of his life. That was a long journey of information, so I missed it a little bit. I knew it halfway through. I was like, ah, fuck. Yeah. That's not on you.

That's on us. No, it is. It is. ADD. Okay. He was Korean. Oh. So he's us. No, it is. ADD. Okay. He was Korean. Oh. So he's got a large Korean family.

There we go. And wife. Oh. And he was sleeping next... Never mind. No, no, no. Keep going. I think you can buy this one back.

They found him sleeping next to a stream in the woods. Very peaceful. No Koreans there. Right. I love sleeping next to running water. Yeah, it was very peaceful. Camp Koreans there. Right. I love sleeping next to running water. Yeah, it was very peaceful. Camping is fucking great. A two-month-old was found dead with cocaine and heroin in her system.

When someone that small combines those drugs, it's going to be now called a speed pebble. Okay. All right. You could have gone with ball. Kids like balls. Well, no. A speed ball is all... That's what it is.

Yeah, and everybody knows the small version of a ball is a pebble. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? I mean, I could have said marble, but that's too sticky a word. Speed, bounce, ball. Isn't that too sticky a word? Two syllables. What are you, Argus Hamilton now?

There's got to be some P's and K's in there. Pebble is a funny word. The marble. I don't know about that. No, I did some math. I got beakers involved. I figured it out. You consulted the Muppets, and they were also not funny.

Well, an albino alligator couple in a Florida animal park called Snowflake and Blizzard have produced a rare batch of 19 eggs. Them and their 19 white children will be something about they get a TLC show. Maybe John and Kate Alligate or something like that. That's my joke. See you later, alligators. There you go. All right, I found my bad Bill Maher jokes that I wrote.

Oh, good. You ready? Yeah, yeah. A wildlife preserve is investigating a gorilla that eats cash thrown in its pen by tourists. A zoo full of money-hungry monsters. What is this, Congress? A Chick-fil-A worker is being called a hero today after leaping through the drive-thru window to free a six-year-old boy being choked by the seatbelt in the car awaiting its order. I'm surprised.

This is a very Christian organization, and getting choked by your seatbelt seems very God's will-like. I'm sure God is using the safety to kill you. All right. I like this joke, but I think maybe someone else did on the show because it's not about a dead kid. You ever get the seatbelt where it locks up on you, and then you're like, okay, well, I got to go back, and then it locks up on you again. You're like, it's a setup.

And you're getting in a fight with this inanimate, and just waiting and trying to sneak up on it, and it locks on you, and then you try to go real slow. And then you're just looking like a weird fucking asshole fidgeting in the back. Well, yeah, and they're like, oh, great, this fucking fat fidgeting in the back. And they're like, oh, great. This fucking fat guy got stuck in the Uber again. You're like, no, it's your car. Yeah. And you've got to relax.

That's the thing. I tell yourself, all right, calm down, relax. And then when you relax and the seatbelt's like, all right. Point your toes together. It's like, hey. Basically, you're in the seatbelt. Are you stopping on skis? You in the seatbelt.

You stand off like in fucking Pulp Fiction when they all have the guns out in the diner. That's what they told me when they shot stuff in my ass for the clinical trial. They told me to point my toes together because I guess it relaxes your ass muscles. So, you know, if you guys carry a lot of tension in your ass muscles, it's a little life hack for you. It's a shit hack. I have one of the mellowest ass muscles. Yeah? Yeah.

Speaking of ass muscles, Tom. Yeah. Actually, right. Yeah. Actually, right on target. A Down Syndrome Angels fan got to meet Albert Pujols after a game. After meeting Pujols, he hopes to meet

his other heroes, Pujols and Glue. Wait, is there a real guy named Albert Pujols? Oh, you didn't know about this? No.

Yeah, Albert Pujols. He's like a really good baseball player, but his name is Pujols. It's spelled P-U-J-O-L-S. So it's Pujols. Pujoles. Pujoles.

There's no even E to buy him out of it. Oh, really? Yeah. I was about to say, Pujoles is kind of funny. It's just like white guy going on the sex tourism trip in Mexico. Like, how much for the Pujoles? It's like $47 going on the sex tourism trip in Mexico. Like, how much for the pujoles? It's like $47 for a rim job. Holy pujoles.

All right, guys. Giant African snails were found in somebody's luggage at the Atlanta airport. Something, something, something. Escargot back to Africa. Yeah, the pieces are there. I had a long lunch that kind of... I was supposed to have some more time to do this.

We pushed this taping back a half an hour. It seems like it wasn't enough. This is the most confident lack of finishing jokes I've ever seen. The first word and the last word and you guys can fucking Ikea it together. The listener has to put together that joke much like a broken candle that arrives in the mail. Yeah, yeah.

These are just broken pieces of jokes. You know, I don't respect the audience enough to do it, but I do respect them enough not to pretend that I didn't just not do it. You know? All right, another shitty Bill Maher joke. Okay. Burger King started selling impossible Whoppers. Who's the chef? Donald Trump?

Oh, man. Impossible Whopper is a lie. Brent, I can feel you thinking I overprepared this time. I spent all day on these guys. What the fuck's wrong with you? We're idiots. You've been here before. I know. You on these guys. What the fuck's wrong with you? We're idiots. You've been here before. I know.

You had no excuse. The last time I was ill-prepared, and I thought, well, I'm not going to do that and embarrass myself. In front of the jeweled crocs. Last time you tried harder, and probably we had way more listeners. The show's doing worse, and you're doing better. Well, let's see if we can save it. It won't be with this one. The Dalai Lama created some controversy this week after saying his successor and the next leader of the Buddhist...

God, hang on. It's the Dalai Lama. This is... Brent, are you talking shit? Yeah, I'm sorry. It's Christmas morning. I haven't gotten this many phone calls in a week. Except for maybe crank yankers.

Having my goddamn crank yankers. Having my goddamn crank yanked left and right. I really might go with my double fake out reverse crank yankers plan. I would like to just give your phone number to the crank yankers staff.

We can do that. I don't pick up my phone. Oh, okay. Well, answer your phone. This is a solvable problem. Well, answer your phone. I'm trying to get you on TV. Engage with the world. Because I think Tom is the first one where he gets the puppet to hang up first. Not the guy, the puppet itself.

Yeah, it will gain sentience. I will not participate. Just stop its one purpose in existing. All right, should I try again? Sorry about that. It's one purpose in existing. All right. Should I try again? Sorry about that. Mean boys. The Dalai Lama created some controversy this week after saying his successor and the next leader of the Buddhist religion should be pretty if it's a woman.

He later said he was only joking and the Dalai Lama, of course, could never be a woman. Is the idea that the Dalai Lama is one, like, if he dies, he goes into the other one? Yeah, see, this is what makes it. So he's willing to say he wants to be a hot chick. Sort of, but he also kind of exposed the level of bullshit that it all is, just like any other religion because the Dalai Lama is the literal reincarnation of the original Dalai Lama, not the Buddha, but a monk that lived in the six hundreds or something.

Yeah. So they're on the 14th one now. Oh, so after this Dalai Lama dies, then the rest of the monks will go find the new Dalai Lama, but they'll pick the person who is the literal reincarnation. Right. So the Dalai Lama kind of picks that person.

You know, the whole thing's fucking stupid. Yeah, I didn't buy it. I'm an atheist, and I think that Buddhism gets a pass because it's not as egregiously fucked as the rest of the religions. Tom grew up Buddhist. Do you have thoughts on this?

It's still bullshit. Well, I was raised Buddhist, but that's the thing. There's thousands of different sects of Buddhism, so my sect had nothing to do with the Dalai Lama. Right. But even just the idea of reincarnation seems silly to me. I'm like George Carlin. I think the math doesn't add up on that.

There's always more and more people. No, I don't believe in God or math, so I'm with you. That's a good point. Tom has rejected religion and science. I didn't even thought of that. Because if it was reincarnation, there's like, what,

like 10 million real souls and then just a bunch of NPCs that don't count, you know what I mean? What, just vague husks? Yeah. Well, I think you could read it as like the Dalai Lama is being misogynistic. I prefer to read it as the Dalai Lama is trans. There you go.

That's nice. Woke Keith. There you go. Super woke. A trans Lama. It's called a camel. I was kidding. Yeah, there we go.

It's called passing. Yeah. Evidence shows... We didn't score very hard, though. Evidence shows that Michael Jackson was actually secretly bald. Oh, fuck. That is for sure his worst secret. Because he fucks children.

That's not really a secret. Not everybody knows. Wait. Imagine being the one guy who didn't hear yet, but who still likes Michael Jackson. Not everyone knows that he's bald. I didn't know that until right now. He was wearing a piece? Look, sometimes jokes are about education.

Here's what actually happened. Here's what was actually happening with this. Tom read an article about Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan is secretly bald, but I have a hunch. No, he had hair pieces and wigs and all that shit. Okay, well, he burned his fucking skull. Well, that's what they were saying. It's like, yeah, you burn your scalp that hard, and you're already balding.

It's a downward spiral. I wonder if somehow that is when he started fucking kids. Yeah, I mean. That's when he met one of them. I feel like he went crazy right after that because did you watch the uh i haven't watched the documentary that's what that was one of the two guys in the documentary was he met michael on one of the pepsi commercials he was like the like a eight-year-old or some shit okay in the commercial i think it was right around the time they did the one where he started himself on fire.

Yeah. They were also saying in the article I read that after he set himself on fire, he was in so much fucking pain. They gave him all these painkillers, and that's kind of where it started. That's the beginning of the snowball to him. Licking a seven-year-old's asshole. Yes. Dude, there is no high like a seven year old's prostate you have no idea

like oh sure when a grown-up puts their asshole on a kid's face and connor's story it's a funny fart story yeah but michael jackson does it one several times god i was an accessory to a lot of terrible just childhood i mean nothing worse than the autistic brother playing Spyro. They would just turn it off and fight him. Because he was incredibly strong. Well, yeah, most of them are. And he really liked Spyro. That's the equivalent of getting a rodeo bowl go.

Carter, you were just an extra in a lot of childhood trauma for kids. I was. I was just lonely. And I was just like, well, it was better than nothing, I guess. Yeah, you're just going, get him! Like trying to kill possums with lawn darts and shit, you know, just... Fuck. All right, guys. Well, the London Zoo is celebrating Pride Month in honor of its gay penguins and their

handler, Mr. Poppers. Huh? So that's why they walk like that. Yep. Because they're getting fucked in the eggs. Every penguin's a bottom. You know,

penguin eggs are fucking huge compared to penguins. Why do you know about penguin eggs? Well, I'm just wondering. Why do you not know how to send a letter about penguin eggs? Babies are big compared to pussies. Right, but you don't put the baby back up your pussy. You don't sit on the baby.

Yeah, but they don't put the egg back up in their asshole to keep it warm. Do they? Because they got to keep them warm. That seems just like. Well, they don't go back all the way in the penguin gina. Right. I'm just wondering what the... They're just sitting on it.

Yeah, they're just keeping them warm. Yeah, and the male penguins keep the eggs warm anyway. Yeah, that's true. Also, I'm going to raise a pretty important point. Eggs are different than babies. Right. Well, that's why I was surprised when you brought that up. Yeah, we don't sit on our babies.

And not to the Christian right, by the way. Life begins at 8. I spent like 20 minutes trying to figure out a joke. Some lady got shot, and they charged her for fucking fetal manslaughter in Alabama. Oh, you read about that? Is that real? Yeah. She's a fucking crack.

She's five months pregnant. She started a fight with another lady. She knew what she was doing. The other lady shot her in the stomach five times. And then that lady got off on self-defense. That lady got off because of the stand your ground laws. I mean, five times seems like a lot. But it's Alabama.

So she got off on the stand your ground laws. And the pregnant lady who got shot was charged with... Fetal manslaughter. Manslaughter. Which is too old for a fetus. Starting the fight that got her baby killed. Should be baby slaughter, number one. Wow.

Yeah, don't assume a gender. Yeah. Manslaughter junior. How do we break down, delineate? Yeah, I'm still pretty mad about your A. Am I A? What was your point that you were trying to get at with the eggs? Oh, I'm just wondering what the physics are of sitting on an egg that big.

You know how you sit on stuff like chairs and stuff that are bigger than your butt? Right, but when you sit on a chair, you're trying to keep the chair warm. It's one point. With Keith, it's happening anyway, but he's not trying to. You sit on a toilet, and the seat gets warm afterwards. Right the way that's only the top of it i'm saying you know you can keep the top of the you know toilet warm but you can't keep the base of the toilet what if you put it between your penguin butt cheeks you know that's what i'm saying is i wonder if they do that i wonder if they kind of just like crank it in the tops.

Here's another thing I'm realizing. For the listening audience, Tom is dropping his ass like it's hot. Well, yeah, and if you're a baby penguin, you probably come out just like covered in your mom's like shit crumbs. Yeah. You know? Wait, what? Which I guess regular babies do too. Oh, yeah, there's poo in there.

Oh, you've never been there for a birth? All you do is slide out of a river of your mom's shit. Yeah. Oh, there's poo in there. Oh, you've never been there for a birth? All you do is slide out of a river of your mom's shit. Yeah. Oh, there's poo in her pussy? No, but she poos. No, but the stress, you're going to shit some. Oh, wow. I was there for my little brother being born.

I think you were going to say I was there when I was born. I was. Man, I really wish I had not been there for that. How long did it take you to hatch? Did you, like, see your mom give birth? Yes. Like, you saw the business? Yes. i was eight it was too much all right but describe it in pretty vivid detail it was a lot of it was in a bathtub in riverside paint a picture it was in a bathtub

in riverside wow like her bathtub or just a loose bathtub? No, no, it was the bathtub that was supposed to be there. Clawfoot? Yeah. It was just, there was a lot of there was a lot of vague goos mixed with water and shit and then I cut the umbilical

cord. They thought that would be neat and so I did it. That part was fine, but yeah. Well, then the fucking lady who was supposed to grab the baby didn't show up till late. So my mom's like trying to keep the baby in her pussy

so that, yeah, the fucking designated baby grabber could grab the baby. She shows up late. She's like, oh, traffic was bad, but she has a Starbucks cup in her hand. Wait, the kids three? The midwife? Yeah, yeah.

Well, why wouldn't she just shit it out, him out? Sorry. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know the rules, but yeah. Well, I feel like having a baby halfway out of your vagina is probably bad. Well, as a family, we weren't pushing him back in. I know. She wanted the supervision.

I don't know about baby popping. They wanted someone who does. My dad doesn't know. He's never had a kid. She wasn't on drugs, so lots of screaming. Wait, he's never had a kid? Yeah, you don't blow a kid out of your dick. That's a lady's thing.

Oh, okay. I thought you were saying... I was like, you were there. Yeah. The kid that he had, that is you. Right. No, dudes have kids, but they don't have kids. What 90s comedy premise are you saying?

You have kids, but you don't have kids. I didn't have my kids. My kids have me. Humpstool. All right. Well, that's quite enough of that. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back

right after this. Hey, Mean Boys and girls. Today's show is brought to you by Himalaya, a brand new podcasting app. Ooh, that sounds great. Tell me about it. Awesome start.

Can't wait for the next episode to drop? Well, be one of the first to listen to Mean Boys a day early, only on Himalaya. Himalaya is a brand new podcast. I covered some of this earlier. Where you can find every single podcast you love and some future faves oh fuck i don't even kind of talk like this whether you're a podcaster or a fan

himalaya's got your back discover personally curated playlists and show your favorite podcasters some love with himalaya's tip jar. This is more like a quip jar over here on this show, right? Oh, yeah. Hey, if you're not our patron, you should quip on over to tip us on the subject. You are not even approaching a sentence right now, bro. Quippity-tippity, bro. You can do it on Himalaya, which is great. We always appreciate that.

Yeah. Okay, Tom. Close enough. Connor was on the road, and then I have a fever, so everyone's working out here. All right. Tell me more, Connor, please. This is a pretty funny ad. Connor, tell me more.

It's the easiest to use, and we're adding cool new. I think this is only supposed to be like 30 seconds. We're adding cool new features every day. Go to your app store, download Himalaya. That's H-I-M-A-L-A-Y-A for most of our fans. Yeah. Spelled like the country. You know what?

I think that's a Doug Stanhope joke. So sorry, Doug. That's in China for most of my fans. I don't think Himibyllea cares no I'm just saying for comedy fans yeah yeah I have integrity

you know but it was in the moment it was an accident and I owned up to it you tell people when you steal I love it but enough about Louis

no I'm kidding uh and don't forget to follow Mean Boys once you're there uh so yeah uh

it's fucking cool uh it's free easiest to use lots of features uh I think I've read all this shit yeah but it's cool I got it open in front of me and honestly it's fucking cool. It's free, easiest to use, lots of features. I think I've read all this shit. Yeah, but it's cool. I got it open in front of me, and honestly, it's a really nice interface.

The Apple podcasting app grows to suck more and more each fucking passing day. Yeah, I've heard so many of our fans complain about the Apple podcast. It crashes on me all the fucking time. It crashes, it's slow, it's archaic, and they have the monopoly, and they've gotten lazy. So Himalaya has swooped in, and it it's pretty fucking slick i'm looking at it right now i got all my podcasts in here the playlist thing i actually like because then you could say like yeah these are all the episodes with the good keith's mom stories they're like this is uh these are all the gareth reynolds episodes you know yeah yeah convenience they're like if i would

love to see like hey here's all you know tim Dillon's funniest podcast. Hell yeah, I'm going to get a four-hour flight. Every other podcasting platform is stupid for not already having that feature on it. I think that's a great feature. Yeah, I'm going to use the shit out of that. Yeah, no, it's totally cool. And they're supporting the show, and that's how I found out about it, and I just liked it. So that works out great. You get too much transparency here.

Anyway, download Himalaya. Give us a follow, and we're actually going to put out the show this day early on the Monday. Great. You get too much transparency here. Anyway, download Himalaya. Give us a follow. And we're actually going to put out the shows a day early on the Monday-ish. We'll do our best. But, yeah, you might get some early shows. Yeah. If you follow us on Himalaya and the Vans. Are they going to be okay with that read?

Because I think it's funny. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Take a look at your questions, your tweets, your weird shit you made for us. This is the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call.

Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys by the new break If you want to talk to us, leave us a voicemail at 305-805-MEAN or tweet at us at... It's 304. Yeah, it's 304-805-MEAN. 304-805... Look, click the fucking tweet that has the phone number in it. That I probably tweeted wrong.

Anyway... Did you write 305805? Oh, no, I didn't write the number at all. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you fucking dumb listeners. Yeah. Anyway. I hate trying to be the business dad.

Yeah. Anyway, at Rat Top says, if you were in a Mad Max style apocalypse, what would your outfit be? Ooh, interesting. What is your immediate like sort of like supplies you gather for the wasteland i will say that when i was really uh starting to read about you know like whatever peak oil and the monetary the theory and shit i was like i was like seriously considering making a three-section staff but with like metal pipes from the home depot okay because i'd gotten pretty good with the one I made out of PVC

that me and my friends would fight with. And I was like, that's pretty good. Because as a melee weapon, it kind of goes around corners a little bit, but it's not quite a whip where you lose control of it. Right. So that would be definitely my weapon because I do like the three-section staff as kind of an underutilized kung fu piece.

Other than that, I mean, I feel like you just go classic staff as kind of an underutilized kung fu piece. Okay. Other than that, I mean, I feel like you just go classic Road Warrior with the leather and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want comfortable jeans, some dumb goggles. Yeah. Probably cool boots. Yeah, definitely. Like a helmet.

Yeah. It's just most like, you know, I'd probably wear some kind of like football pads or something just to, you know, stay protected. Like shin guards on my arms and stuff. Or maybe some Pringle cans and a pinch. You know what I do? As a gauntlet to kind of protect me. How much protection do you think the Pringle can is offering? Probably more than not having it.

Eh, I guess. I dress like a successful businessman today. You're the one guy with just a fucking sword on a motorcycle and a suit. Yeah. Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, scavengers. He goes around firing people. I'd want to have that boomerang thing that anybody else who tried to grab it would just slice their fingers off. Oh, fuck yeah.

That was pretty sick. But how do you catch it? I don't know how the one person who threw it knew how to catch it. It comes with instructions, only you're supposed to watch. The thing about learning to catch it is like, how do you practice? You know what I mean? Yeah. You either know how to do that or you don't.

Yeah. Boomerangs are not that. I learned how to boom a boomerang, and it was kind of like, this sucks. This is definitely the best toy before electricity kind of a thing. Yeah. It's like now, it's like now. It's like, I don't know. Don't throw it.

Similar to my baklava stance where it's like, I'm sure this was great. Baklava is great. What would you wear, Tom? I told you, this is a business suit. How about you, Keith? I'm really mixing it up. I think you go kind of standard. Oh, God, what is it?

I feel like you need something that sort of makes you look scary from far away. Yeah. Look, I got a peac it? I feel like you need something that sort of makes you look scary from far away. Yeah. Look, I got a peacock a little bit. I think these are generally... Money is intimidating. I think these are generally a stupid thing that nobody should own now,

but this might be the one time it'd be okay to have one of those inflatable T-Rex suits. Oh, okay. Because if it's an apocalypse, like, from far away, you're like, I don't know that there's

no T-Rexes anymore. It's the apocalypse. Maybe it should happen. All right. So just cut to Keith getting rolled down a hill by a group of bigger boys. Tiny little arms flailing.

In terms of weapons, I already have an entire armory to choose from. I love the idea of just like, yeah, I got my cool dinosaur outfit and then just a T-Rex being sodomized by mole people. What weapon would you take? Like, probably that really good axe, I mean.

Yeah, I mean, I'll probably go double battle axe. Double? Yeah, I have two hands for now, and I will use both of them. They're both like two-hand axes, though. Not necessarily. One of them you can do with the one hand. Oh, that's true, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll make that the left-hand one.

Okay. Yeah. All right, well, that frees. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll make that the left-hand one. Okay. Yeah. All right, well, that frees up the swords for Keith and I. And even then, with the axes, even if you can't,

with the one, even if I don't swing it, it might be a little bit too much to swing with one hand. It's got a poke, then I'll just use it as a stab thing.

Okay. I'm going to go find a gun. A stab thing? Well, you're going to probably have to axe your way up to a gun. Yeah, but an axe. What? What, axe my way to a gun? A stab thing? You're going to probably have to axe your way up to a gun. But an axe. What?

What, axe my way to a gun? Yeah, because you don't have a gun. Yeah, but I'll go find one. Where are you going to go? It's America. They're around. No, seriously, answer my question. Where are you going to go get a gun? Is Google available in this situation?

No. Gun store. You think someone else didn't think of that? Yeah. And they're not going to be in there with guns? I don't know. You think that hustle has not been cornered by the closest guy to the gunstore? Here's the thing.

I'm going to treat it like every other plan I've ever had where it's like, I don't know, but I'll figure it out when I have to. No, you're not. Someone's going to shoot you and take your ax. You don't know. You don't know what's going to happen to me. That is exactly what happens in your little plan, where you go to the gun store and you walk in and say, one gun, please. No, I walk in

and I'm like, nobody here but us T-Rexes. On his way to the gun store, he's going to pass a 7-Eleven and go in for hot dogs. It's the only food that'll survive the nuclear fallout. And then I'm going to be like, well, I guess he's not coming in the gyrocopter. It's the gyrocopter. It's the gyrocopter.

It's the food truck. It only goes to Glendale. Just Jordan 41 asked, I recently starred in comedy and was wondering if it is more important to stick to jokes I like or should I pander to the audience? It's not the way you wrote it. I feel like you know what you want the answer to be Do you want to be happy Creative Satisfied creatively or do you want to have a lot of money

Yeah you can do one Yeah I don't know how just started you are I don't know do the shit you like but also I think a lot of people start and they're like The audience is bullshit man they don't know nothing I don't know if you're bombing consistently Rethink how you're doing it yeah you know i pandered for a

long time and i was really miserable but now i'm doing pretty well so uh i can't i don't really i don't really have an answer for you yeah letting a crowd have fun is not pandering i'm still not happy so i guess uh yeah dude you do have to get. You do have to get laughs, though. You have to get laughs. Yeah, that's like the one job. So if you have to pander to do it, then do it. Yeah, and then once you figure out how to do that, you'll figure out how to do it the way you want to. Yeah, I mean, there are different aspects of comedy where there's writing, there's performing,

there's, you know, maintaining energy. And if you don't know how to do any of those, and then you're just like, but I'm an artist, that's not how that works. So if you need to sacrifice one while you're learning to, but I'm an artist. That's not how that works. So if you need to sacrifice one while you're learning to figure out the other, I think that's fine.

Just don't become like a long-term hack. Just follow Gary Goldman on Twitter. Yeah. He's breaking it all down. The last day of his tips, he's just going to tweet

the number of every agent. You what? I'm always curious about this. Steal all of my jokes and start performing them and see if you can get further in comedy than I can. You're going to start franchising your act out like Gallagher? Yeah.

Yes. Tom Goss 4 is doing just for laughs because he has better cheekbones. One hot Tom? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that fucking rocks. At Pat Ormsby 17 says, mostly for Tom, but anybody could chime in.

If you won the Stanley Cup, what kind of nonsense would you do with it for your day? Oh, have we talked about this before? I feel like we might have talked about this. I think it has what food it was. All right, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring it to like a soccer game. Okay. And then just absorb the attention from it. I'm just going to troll people with it.

What? Oh, mine would be to use it as a basketball hoop. That's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, bedpan is the obvious answer. That's disrespectful to the Cup. Yeah, but I'm not on a hockey team. I have no fucking horse in this race.

It would be a fun thing to sled down a hill with. You're thinking of Polo, Keith. Polo, the white man's hockey. Ooh, yeah. The field hockey. The white man's hockey oh yeah i feel the white man's hockey yeah well yeah that's true yeah yeah but they're from those sex slave countries that you guys were talking about earlier it's a different kind of white than america like the hockey hockey players yeah yeah they are a lot of like windowless concrete room kind of looking guys too many consonants not enough women yeah three dollar cigarettes and you know that kind of thing it's not enough women. Yeah. Three dollar cigarettes and that

kind of thing. A lot of the hockey players are from the non-English speaking porn video countries. Czech wife swapping? Yeah. It's all of those countries, Canada and Russia and the US a little bit. I don't know what I'd do.

Has anyone done any, like, eugenics on why that is? Is that just where hockey's popular? I mean, part of it has to do with the weather. Are they just better in the cold? Well, I mean, when you have access to ice and it doesn't cost a bunch of money to just go play on a pond, you're going to just, that's where your athletes, your most athletic. I mean, it's really broken down to, like, we're really good at basketball and football a pond you're gonna just that that's where that your athletes they're your most athletic i mean it's really broken down to like we're really good at basketball and football because that's what our

kids end up playing and so they're gonna stick with it and then play those sports at a professional level out there those same kids are playing hockey because there's ice there's access you know soccer is that's where all the athletes end up in a lot of countries because soccer is the most easily accessible sport both financially and in terms of just like they're all you need is a ball and a boyfriend am i right come on he's been so long looking for the out on that story yeah i was like explaining every sport i was like, Tom's explaining every story. I was like, Tom's trying to teach me something.

I don't know. Yeah, it's fucking easy. All you do is just fucking the dick in your butt. Hoo! Play a goddamn voicemail. Okay, let's see

what the listeners have to say this week. Huh? I was just curious as to... I can't hear it. I know. That was weird.

Fomp, fomp, fomp, fomp, fomp. Did it break again? Maybe? Down to pickles and cream, and then when it ends, why does it say CBD crisis? What's the deal with that? Okay, that's... What?

Hey, Mean Boys. I was just curious as to when your show opens, why does the sound say pickles and cream? And then when it ends, why does it say CBD crisis? What's the deal with that? I don't know. I don't know what the CBD crisis thing is. It does not say pickles and cream. Yeah, what is it?

I feel like if we Google this, we're going to be annoyed. No, no, no. Did you hear the first part we said? We're talking about our theme song. Oh. Jamar's saying M words are mean. Oh, pickles and cream. Nah, it ain't that.

No, it's not what it is. Oh, I thought this was like an ad that someone got put in for. Oh, yeah, me too. What was the second thing at the end? DVD Crisis. I don't know. I can't think of less compelling radio than us trying to figure this out. Crazy shit. What's crazy shit, man?

Brett's body is here, but he already left. Yeah, aren't you glad this was an hour later? Were you excited about coming here? All day. All day I prepared. Fuck, Brett. We let you down. Hey, what's going on, guys?

This is Jack from up north of you. So I've got a story to share with you guys. About like six months ago, I was with my roommate going to this smoke shop to get some cigarettes and get out of the car, fucking dropped my phone right into a storm drain. And what I mean, like it went, dropped it in, like swished it. If this was a basket, my phone would have gone fucking right in there. And so I'm like, fuck, I got to grab my phone out of there. And the manhole, no fucking thing to grab it.

So I had to reach in, push this fucking concrete goddamn fucking store, the manhole to fucking thing to grab it so i had to reach in push this fucking concrete goddamn fucking uh uh store the manhole to the fucking cover up and out and i had to like get it out of the way jump down in this hole grab my phone and uh as i'm jumping in some lady comes out of this uh massage parlor right there and she's like oh what you doing what you doing here we go i just dropped my phone and trying to grab it get it back she's like how you open what you doing? What you doing? Here we go. I dropped my phone. I'm trying to get it back. She's like, how you open that? I'm like, I had to reach in and push it up.

And she goes, oh, Superman. She's like, Superman need massage after that. I'm like, yeah, probably. My fucking shoulder hurts now. But anyways, I can get my phone back, close it up you know i don't go back to that place but um well until later uh about like three weeks later um my shoulder's killing me i'm like getting a spasm and shit and i'm like you know what i'm gonna get a massage from that place you know probably looks like looks like a good place 45 bucks is what they were charging so go in go in and they got a $45 deal,

full body massage for an hour, I'm like, that's a pretty god damn good deal. So I get in there and it's kind of weird. They had like a cubicle, like little cubicles, like balls that even go all the way up, and had like a little kitty hanging there, you know, like a whole hang in there poster. So they had that.

And I'm like, this is kind of odd, but I got the best goddamn massage in my life. Hour long. They did the whole thing. They walk on your back and shit. And yeah, so when it's all done, I go to give the lady a $10 tip. And she's like, oh, if you want a tip, it's $20. I'm like, that's like, Oh, if you want tip, it's 20. I'm like, that's kind of weird. Normally,

you know, I think $10 on a $40, you know, massages with pretty goddamn good tip. That's, you know, uh, 25%. Uh,

but now she says 20 and I'm confused. I'm thrown off by it. So I pull out a 20 and give it to her. I don't know what their custom is. uh, so I give her the 20. She starts heading back towards the room, and I go to walk out the door,

and we both look at each other with confused looks, and I leave. About halfway to my car, I realize, shit, I think I was about to get a tug after my rub, and I just paid to get fucking jerked off and didn't get it, and I went from feeling as good as I did to uh i felt great felt fucking amazing and then i just felt dirty because i realized it's good did you cut off yeah i guess my message was a little too long um anyway so i realized i just got fucking rubbed down with some jerk off hands so and i was the end of the story um yeah so fuck you all gobs and munch or whatever

uh well i'm gonna say it right now. That whole story was, I was racist and I hurt my arm and then I didn't come. I was like, I would have felt way worse for you if you didn't do, oh, so bad, boys. Yeah, all you needed to tell in that story was I went in to get a massage,

paid for a hand job and didn't get it because I'm dumb. That's the whole thing. The dropping your phone and all of that. My man just turned a tweet into a novel. Yeah. Well, I realized it was a rub and tug as soon as she was, like, buttering him up for opening the gate.

Nobody didn't know the second you said massage part. Well, yeah. It was like you were trying. What's a rub and tug? I like how he built it up like we thought it would be a really big twist. You know, he's like, 45 bucks, that's a really good deal. I'm just going to get a regular massage. I was like, is he going to get jerked off by a dude?

Like, what are we doing here? Yeah, I was like, what is the fucking. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Well, sorry, Superman. Yeah, I'm sorry about your. Sorry about your arm. Get your hand jobs next time.

Well, he's like, I rubbed down by jerk off hands. What did you think was happening? Yeah, I mean, that's what... I'm disappointed in your problem solving skills. Yeah. If I'm being honest. All right, let's do... Did Han Superman's phone still work?

Apparently he called us. Damn. We got any more? Yeah, we got one more here. It's Will, the guy I drove you to. What's up, dude? I was just calling to say. It's a recording.

Hey, Will. Yeah, well, he listens. Three weeks still with the band. You know, I wanted to check in and see you guys. Let me drive you again. Some highlights. Last three weeks. I was taking a piss in an alley and I had a seagull land on me and start pecking.

I took a shit in a plastic bag outside my van. Whoa. Brooklyn tried to throw it over a fence, and it got caught in barbed wire. So I had to park somewhere else to sleep that night. And let's see, in Indianapolis, when I couldn't go to Patty Patty's, I couldn't convince my bandmates to go there. But then after the show, I had a girl to sleep with her while her friend watched. And that was very creepy.

But I guess a question, as I've been having a pretty okay time on tour, I figured I'd probably just get in the van one day. If you could die anywhere in this great country, where would you die, and how would it happen? Caveat, you can't die in your home surrounded by loved ones. So if that expires somewhere kind of unexpectedly, where would you most likely want to die? But love you, Deuce, and hope you're doing well. See you. Hotel room, Reno. I want to know.

That's a good one. By the way, take note, listeners. That's how you do a voicemail because he told three great stories that only took three seconds each. But, yeah, he got right to it. I shit in the plastic bag outside my van. That's enough for me. Someone tried to get me to cuck up in Indianapolis. Like, boom, we're too deep.

Yeah, and the barbed wire where it just explodes and drapes. That's fucking incredible. Where would I die? Where would you die? Where would you die? Anywhere in America. Anywhere in America. Where would I die?

Let's see. Reno Hotel Room would be good. I think I would want to do like a, you know who Neil Cassidy is? No. He was Jack Kerouac's buddy, the first Beatniks. He died. He just like wandered off. He traveled around with Ken Kesey and the Grateful Dead and the Merry Pranksters and all that shit.

So he was, like, tripping balls all the time. And then he eventually, he was the only one with Burroughs and Kerouac and Ginsberg that wasn't an author. He was, like, their muse, like, their Tom Goss. Right. And he just wandered off and, like, died on a railroad track in Mexico. Oh, shit. And it was a very old Apache Indian chief kind of death. Like, fuck it.

The old Indians knew that when they were going to die, they'd just wander off out into the woods like a dog and lay down by a tree and be like, don't worry about it. Oh, shit. That's not bad. I like the idea. I just think it would be good to die someplace sad on the road. Here's my idea.

Because I think that adds a lot to your mythos. What about on stage? Have you ever heard of the band Morphine? I haven't. It's a band in the 90s, Morphine, the great band. But they're not around anymore because the lead singer and bass player died in the middle of a song. Wait, two guys died or just one guy?

No, it's one guy. Oh, okay. Same guy. Oh, shit. But I just wanted it so that you didn't think he was just holding a microphone and singing. He was playing at a festival in Italy and he just dropped over dead from a massive heart attack in the middle of a song. Let's have a couple comics, too. Yeah.

See, that sounds good. You know, that'd be funny. That'd be good. I like the, so here's my idea. There's, like, where James Dean died. Like, there's, like,

a little museum for him. I want to get into a fiery car crash, like, half a mile away from that, so they build a smaller, shittier museum. Walking distance with the James Dean one. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just went to the one. Death me. Like, no one will stop there because they won't even have to pee. Yeah, yeah, they just stopped at the James Dean once. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just went to the one death meeting. Like, no one will stop there because they won't even have to pee. Yeah, yeah, they just stopped at the James Dean. And it's like, no one's coming the other direction. Yeah, I want to have a museum that is attended by zero people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's all the same swag from when they opened it that just hasn't moved. 100%, yeah. It's only kept open from, like, tax breaks and shit. They're like, oh, we'll cut the ribbon when someone shows up.

I'm good with onstage, but I'm going to go White House, because if I die there, then people have to figure out why I was dead in the White House. Publicity ups the brain. Wherever you die, it will be unexplained. Like, I feel like for sure. Or explained too thoroughly. That's what I'm all for. Or completely obvious.

Like, of course, if you do that, you die. Yeah. Yeah. too thoroughly that's the one or yeah or completely obvious like of course if you do that you die yeah yeah this is just like your whole life is just a prequel to a botched coroner's report like nobody's whole thing screams bad autopsy more than tom's you know this is this is pretty dumb yesterday i was spraying down the tree with that bunk ass poison the fucking home depot sold me and so i'm sprayed down the tree and then i i i drink my coffee and i realized i sprayed towards the coffee mug yeah i could have killed myself trying to kill ants who did not die the saving grace here being that you had to buy store brand poison which is well in his defense i told you twice while you were doing that, hey, make sure you don't spray that in your coffee, and then you just did anyway.

Oh, no, you said don't spray it towards me. Well, yeah, I was standing near the coffee. Right, but you didn't say coffee. I shouldn't have had to, Tom. I wasn't thinking. You've reached, I shouldn't be worried about you poisoning yourself years old. I made a gingerbread house when I was a kid, and ants got into it. My mom sprayed it with Raid, and

she wrote, she put a little sign in front of it that said, do not eat. And I was like, fuck you, it's my gingerbread house. I made it. I'm going to say something very fucked up. A gingerbread house full of ants is the equivalent of a bunch of Mexicans living in one studio apartment. Well, it's multi-generational homes.

It's a cultural thing. It's Christmas time in Santa Ana. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I ate most of it and I didn't notice the poison or the ants. I was like, there's like some cinnamon candy in here. It's spicy. It didn't really taste, it still just tasted like frosting and it did taste kind of like some cayenne.

Right. Yeah, it wasn't really. Well, that's the ants. Ants taste like cayenne. Do they really? Mm-hmm. Have you ever eaten an ant? Yeah.

This is part of my theory that you're just Donnie from the Wild Thornberry. You know that, right? Well, you just eat the ants and save the money on the poison. Well, no. It wasn't like, ooh, fancy feast. I was... Well, that's for cats. That's cats, too.

Yeah. Tom gets excited about eating cats. Well, no. I was using fancy... No, I'm just picturing a fun Jungle Book montage of Tom licking the ants out of the kitchen and just letting them all walk single file into his mouth while a fun, bouncy song plays.

I've eaten food. He's got a little sign, he's holding it next to his mouth, that says Ant Amusement Park. Like, come on in, fellas. Exactly, yeah, yeah. I've eaten food in the dark, and then when... His tongue rolls out like steps. Wherever you die, we know it's being written on the tombstone.

I've eaten food in the dark. That is the worst Bruce Springsteen lyric. I've eaten... I've eaten... I've eaten food in the dark and been like, wow, that's spicy and crawly, and then turn on the lights and realize I ate a bunch of ants. Sour cream on my jeans.

These aren't bugles at all. Hot sauce in the car. I've eaten food in the dark. Pizza for me. Jesus Christ, what are we doing? Burned my neck eating food in the dark. No, that's cooking in the dark. Well, if you get the food hot.

Yeah, but wouldn't you hurt yourself in the cooking process before you get a chance to eat it? Yeah, if the food is hot enough, it could burn you. Yeah. See, food carries heat, Tom. See, this is the difference between me and Connor. He ordered it in the dark. I made it in the dark. I ordered.

I'm the bane of cooking. I ordered it in the dark. Okay. I don't I am the bane of cooking. I ordered it in the dark. Okay. I don't follow what you're saying. So I'm some kind of city boy for not cooking in the dark. Well, no, I'm saying that I would probably hurt myself cooking the making the food. Here's what I like is that we dodged a great opportunity to end this podcast. A real nice piece of momentum.

I know. Yeah, well, just arguing. We were home. Too late. Our hand was on the doorknob getting away from the killer. That is our own mediocrity. Well, just like sometimes arguing with Tom is just like fighting a ghost. Yeah.

There's no. Tom's logic is made of smoke. Right. You can't hit it. So I'm saying if I'm cooking food in darkness, odds are something's going to go wrong before I get a chance to eat the food. Because you're going to kill yourself because you're cooking in the day. Because I can't see what I'm doing.

And there's fire. Actually, you know what? The fire would light the way. Never mind. Jesus fucking Christ. That's the podcast, everybody. Thank you for wasting your afternoon, Brett Erickson. That was fun.

I meant that. I know. Where can they find you? I BrettMyPants on Twitter. I BrettMyPants on Twitter. I'm on Facebook and Instagram, too, but I'm mostly just on Twitter. So go on there. Find me there.

Yeah, hell yeah. Thanks, guys. All right. See you next time, kids. Later.