Mean Boys - EP 203 - Cubanese (feat. Mike Menendez)

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

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You know what? We weren't recording that. Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Yeah, we accidentally just did most of a pretty good intro that we were not recording. I opened on that Fat Albert impression. I forgot Bill Cosby did the voice of Fat Albert. Then we did Roman Polanski, host of Jackass. We did a little Roman Polanski. It was good stuff, guys. At one point, I changed his name to Hot Tub Polanski,

which also sounds like a Polish race car driver. Yeah, yeah. No, we were really rocking and rolling. Mike Menendez is on the show today. I just got done giving Mike a beautiful, heartfelt tribute. Cuban Polanski. How many times have our interpreters met us? Okay, Tom, all right.

You're getting lazy with the Polanskys over here. There's a mini of Polanski to me. Dude, nothing went according to Polanski. Indeed it didn't. Well, yeah, so speaking of the international police, Mike is a Cuban comedian. He's a very, very funny guy. We had him on the program.

One of my favorite stand-up comedians working in Los Angeles today. A real treat to watch. Go check him out on the road. He's going to be posting his tour dates on his Instagram and all that shit. And the links for that are all down in the show notes where they usually are. So give Mike a shout. Let him know you enjoyed him.

And go seek out some of the man's work. Because I'm a real fan. He's a very funny guy. And we had a heck of a time talking to him about anything and everything. That's what we're apt to do here on the program. We're all about the talking. Yeah. as we're apt to do here on the program. We're all about the talking. Yeah, and speaking of tour dates, Tom Goss preparing for his first stand-up comedy release.

You know what's funny? I was wondering if you were going to do the same exact transition, and it was great both times. Wow, way to peel back the curtain on my fucking impromptu broadcasting, you piece of shit. We are the bananas of comedy. July 17th, I'm at Rosie McCann's. I was thinking, what does that have to do with curtains?

Peeling. I forgot peeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. I was just thinking of banana curtains, which I think is Gorilla Pussy. Yeah, July 17th, I'll be at Santa Cruz at Rosie McCann's. It's a free show. Gorilla Pussy the right way.

They pinch it at the top and they pull it down. July 19th, I will be at Santa Cruz at Rosie McCann's. It's a free show. You know, gorillas eat pussy the right way. They pinch it at the top and they pull it down. July 19th, I will be hosting my own show, The Unrepresentables, with Anna Valenzuela and Nat Bymel. They've both been on this show. Afterwards, at 10 p.m., Orange County, you want to see me run the 45? Well, fucking go to Chapter 1 in Santa Ana. There's a ticket link up for that as well. It's going to be a fucking great show. There's some other very funny comedians on it. I'll be

writing the whole fucking thing. We should also mention buy tickets to the show itself in Chicago at the North Bar. Yeah. I'll just go ahead and say I think my favorite venue we played out on any of our various tours. Yeah, three in the country that I've ever been. There's a reason I wanted to go back there. Yeah. Amazing guy that runs it. Really

cool fucking the people that came out with that was an unbelievable night. So yeah, you got to get your wanted to go back there Amazing guy that runs it Really cool fucking The people that came out That was an unbelievable night So yeah you gotta get your tickets to go see Tom Wait till you see what he can do When I'm not interrupting him You'd be astonished We clown on Tom And Tom hams it up a little

Tom is legitimately my favorite comic He's the funniest guy in the world You gotta go see the man. Especially if you've never seen Tom Stenberg, you're going to get your dick blown off. And come to Chicago August 17th. It's also the only time to see the Mean Boys in the Midwest, probably this year.

Also, Kyle Clark will be there. It'll be all four of us. It might be... But also good people. It might be the only time you can see all four of us in the same place, fucking further from California. Kyle Clark will be buying one mascot-sized seat in Chicago from the Burbank airport. Can I get one woman's and one buffoon's?

Can I put my head in the overhead? A couple other dates. July 27th, Filth Factory in Las Vegas at the LA Comedy Club in Las Vegas. Very fun show inside the Stratosphere. Keith and I did that. We had a great time. Fucking rad show. Vegas, go to it. Yep. July 28th, I will be at the LA Comedy Club in Las Vegas. Very fun show inside the Stratosphere. Keith and I did that. We had a great time. Fucking rad show. Vegas, go to it.

Yep. July 28th, I will be at the Republic Ultra Lounge in Visalia, California, running it in Central California. Come to the Ultra Lounge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Satisfy your thirst for Tom. Welcome to the dance rake. Yeah.

Yeah. Good riff. You're very good with the improv. Good riffing, Berg. I like your American improv style. August. Ja, und. It would be honestly better if you were not to participate in the bit.

August 4th. You're on the way of your own plugs. August 4th, I'm coming back to Texas. You're like Balding Man with low budget. People talk over every piece of permanent information.

Austin, Texas, August 4th at the Hotel Vegas. I did a show there last time I was out there. We are from Texas, born and raised. Yippee-ki-yay.

I love to boys and cows. I appreciate the stairs and quiz have a lasso you it's gonna be a fun show uh Keith Ray will be featuring he's also gonna be there uh so if you if you want to see the two of us together it's a it's a good old time uh and then I I don't here here at Tom Goss's rodeo bar and and Grill, you'll always have a good old time. Say howdy to a great Wednesday night. Yeah, that show would be interesting. We open Wednesday nights from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Prime Rodeo hours. That explains why the mascot is the humpback whale with the cowboy hat. It's hump day. I know a lot of numbers are being thrown out there. That show's actually at 7 p.m. Great. With me and Keith Ray. Update your schedules accordingly to reflect the change in time.

I'm going to see these guys again now. Many people have told me that the worst place that I love in Texas. Yes, many people. The bagel shop guy told you. In Texas, I tell them I love Galveston, Texas, and they scowl and they say it's gross. Well, I'm doing a show there, too. Hell yeah.

August 6th. Galveston fucks, dude. Yeah, Keith Ray, he has a weekly show there at the Library Bar in Galveston, Texas. So come out to fucking that one. It's a weekly show they do every other month. Yes, he also watches porn in that library. And then once again, the 17th is an album recording. Also, if you're in Arizona, I can't announce it yet.

I'm doing some shows out in Arizona, too. So please fucking you want to stay tuned to Arizona city. It's going to be in the Tucson-Bisbee area. Really? Yeah. If you know what that means, you're probably losing your shit right now. The taint of Arizona. Yes. Yeah, but I will make announcements on that.

So those are my dates. August 17th. The links available will be in the show notes. So please come out to these shows. Because now I've done the set for a lot of people, and in front of a lot of these crowds are like cat ladies and people who wouldn't get me. And it's going well. They're enjoying it.

You're good at comedies. They're enjoying it. Well, even people are like, they're going to hate me. They're enjoying it. So nothing is scaring me more than going out to Chicago and recording for an empty room. It's going to be a fucking awesome show. Please come out. Tom is really going to put on, he's going to have dancers. He's going to do

fire magic. I'm going to have a monkey train me. It's going to be a whole thing. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, just if you're on the fence, get off the fence and get in the pit. Whatever.

You almost did it. No, that rules. That's a new phrase. Get off the fence and get in the pit. Oh, my God. Tell me guys, baby. All right. That was seven minutes of what?

Nine shows? Well, we had to do the riff thing. German accent. Just listen to Mike. Yeah, Mike rules. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. When I go down on a girl on her period, I'm called a hero, but no one will blow me my dick's bleeding. I'm Tom Goss. I'm still Tom Goss.

Sorry, I didn't realize. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey, unfortunately. And I'm... Hotter Tom. Like, you just look like Tom after rehab. Like, if he got his shit, like, kind of together. Tom's lost weight, too.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Tom has... He once told me, it's the most hurtful thing anyone's told me he's like man I can't wait to lose enough weight until people stop

confusing me and you and now you fucked yourself into a different demographic where you look like Mike which is not a bad place to be well Tom Mike with like

the ACD shirt it looks like Tom after three guitar lessons like he's like alright I know G chord D and a C this is who I am now it's great all right i know g chord d and a c yeah this is where i am now it's great to be tom's tyler durden yeah i know it's basically the same ideas it's like yeah man

let's have the sandwich you know you know how girls will sometimes have like an inspo board will define someone with the same kind of look as them would be like this is my what i want my stomach to look like you know i feel like you should be on tom's inspo boy you know it's like this is this is me figured out because you got yeah i'm just it's fucking the the beard patterns are similar yeah the hair is in a similar place yeah i'm not wearing a hat that says uh she said no strippers i found the hat i'm gonna wear the hat are you sure your mom didn't fuck any dissidents in the 60s? The hat's been in the kitchen. I'm not going to.

It's a bad hat. If you know anything about me, if I find bad clothes, I'm going to wear them. If you find any clothes, you're going to wear them. By looking at your clothes, I don't think you know a lot about yourself, Tom. Why would I know anything about you? You're wearing a red shirt, blue hat, black shorts with holes in them. Man, just make a decision. Those holes.

Those holes. I said the other day. I'm going to be everything today. Those holes, I swear to God, are cigarette butt birds. You swear to God like no one was going to believe you? It's like no one would believe you. Cigarette burned holes in your tap-out shorts. It's like they Frankensteined together the outfits

of nine men who got arrested at a 7-Eleven. I get it. Shorts and ashtrays look very similar. I watched Tom do that a bunch of times. I play basketball mistakenly with ashtrays wrapped around my cock. Well, Tom will just gaze into the middle distance and there'll be smoke.

What kind of ashtray? I thought they were shorts. You know, it happens to the rest of us, yeah. It's an ashtray, right? It's an ashtray, my bad. And then it looked like your dick survived an explosion in a cartoon. Like you'd stuck it in Elmer Fudd's musket and then it just exploded. I look like Wile E. Coyote who tried to fuck the Roadrunner and then missed. Because you just painted on the side of a mountain.

So, yeah, I was talking to Tom the other day. He was explaining just why he acts the way he does. And it basically boiled down to I like to be erratic so not even God himself could read my thoughts. He's like, yeah, I don't like people being able to anticipate what I'm doing. It makes me feel weird and even when no one's around I do it

and I'm like, so in case the universe is out to get you, you want to do a little drunk boxing and Throw them off. You just pump faking the universe the world gets boring what it's predictable and unfortunately most people most people We like to trump. Yeah, most people are unpredictable So I have to be the unpredictability and sometimes surprise myself, but you're predictably unpredictable, right? But you're never gonna predict which direction, but you're never going to predict which direction. You know the balloon's going to fly somewhere.

You don't know where. I will say, every time I think I have Tom figured out, he will fucking do something that I couldn't have possibly expected. I still have no beat on you. You're somehow the turtle for a group full of turtles. It's absolutely amazing. The sub-turtle? He's the turtle for the group of turtles.

I'm imagining just like a fucking flock of turtles just walking around. It was an entourage show. Which, by the way, that show does not hold up. Oh, it sure does. I never watched any of it. I only know it. I just have a picture of it through people evoking it in comedy and things. It's completely a boy's fantasy because it's funny.

Before I moved here, I watched a bunch of entourage episodes yeah and and you know when they whenever they walk on like place where did you move here from again me for Miami okay yeah yeah not unlike Los Angeles but very similar except not a lot of like creativity there but it's it's getting good cocaine a lot of cocaine a big porn hotspot. It is a big porn hotspot. Porn, cocaine, schools. I mean, both places have schools. Well, you know, you gotta get the porn stars from somewhere. Right.

Hey, you didn't finish? Come on over. Yeah. The fucking school bus pulls up and then it's like remedial education. The bang bus just pulls up. I mean, college really is the farm team for the adult entertainment industry. How do you figure?

They just look at your GPA the way you look at a golf score. Like, my God, a.3. He's unbelievable. Well, yeah, I mean, fucking... It's weird. There's all those college genres. There's no, I didn't go to college genre. You ever think about that? Oh, like college genres in's no i didn't go to college genre well you know you ever think about that college oh like college college genres and porn yeah there's really one right college right yeah there's college but he's right but like they should i'm sorry yeah no you're right like they

should you know the nba has that like you have to be out of college one year before you could get drafted in the nba i don't think they should do that anymore but i think they should do that for porn you have to be out of high school at least one year. This is what you really want to do. You need one year of work experience to prove one year at an IHOP. Maybe you'd like working at Haagen-Dazs a little more than getting plowed

by Ramone. You know, backpack through Europe first. Discover yourself. And then you get to be the backpack. Backpack through Fresno a little bit. Backpacking through Fresno is going to get you way more unwanted dick than just doing porn. Sleep in a hostel and then think about if you'd like to be fucked in it. And then make some choices based on the information you have available to you.

Go see some guys wearing Timbs in the wild and then see if you wanted to be wearing just that. I did. I did fucking a pair of J's one time. That was nice. That was like Jordans. I had my pants. I pulled my fucking my pants down like it was like a spur of the moment move. Right.

Like a couple of years ago, I think a year ago or so. And yeah, I had them on. I was like, you know, I get why they do this. I've got traction, maneuverability. The carbon fiber plate is helping me hit the right angles in the pussy. Six inches deep in the paint. If you're an orgy, you can set

screens for the other partners. Box them out of the box. I got them. I got them on the other side. My friend was telling me... Shoot it! Shoot it! My friend was telling me about a force he got involved friend was telling me about a foursome he got involved in Shaq is also there I produce everything

Blake Griffin's doing stand up Even though we're doing an orgy My friend was involved in a four way And he's like yeah we kind of paired off And I was like oh yeah shirts versus skins And I can't stop being amused with myself about it. That's pretty fucking interesting. Give me the cock.

Yeah, fuck. Well, I guess we should talk about, look, the slam dunk contest may be delayed because I've injured myself. Yeah. We went to play the fucking the fundamentals bounce pass invitational game. Yeah, we played two on two

and it was fucking me and Connor against Tom and fucking Isaac Hirsch. Oh, yeah. Same thing. Basically, Isaac, who is a great shooter,

but is also made of paper mache. Yes. Isaac, like to box him out like exhale. It's unbelievable how easy it is. It's like you barely

feel him when he's guarding. Basically, three jackasses just watch the only person over six feet try really hard. Yeah. You were in the paint the entire time for a two-on-two game? Pretty much, yeah. Well, that was what was working for us, is I take it out, I get it to you, and then you lay it up.

Here's the move. All right, Keith drives. He basically... I drive, but it's like power wheels. I'd imagine him in a car with a basketball in his hand driving through Tom. That's the only way Keith driving makes sense to me. If you were on a rascal

fucking headed towards me with a basketball, I would tip you over. Dude, we should play rascal basketball. That would be a lot of fun. Basketball! Keith starts at the top of the key. He starts driving. Five minutes later, he's tip you over. We should play rascal basketball. Basketball! Keith starts at the top of the key. He starts driving. Five minutes later, he's under the hoop. We're going to play eighth court basketball

just for time constraints. Rascal basketball is accessory to murder ball. It's like murder ball. Basically, it was like, no one's going to guard Keith because he can't shoot. Keith bricks, I rebound, and then I shoot four layups in a row, getting every rebound over the fat guy and Isaac. The 120 pounds. But also missing a lot.

Oh, got every... You were really just scoring on numbers because nobody could stop you from taking the ball. I would say I shot about 15% from the field if I had to punch. It was so frustrating because I would even box you out, and then you just reach above me and get the ball, and I still couldn't do anything. Yeah, and then I'd put my hand on his forehead while he tried to punch me and make murmur murmur sounds. I finally measured my reach up. I finally did 7'1". Hey. That's bad.

Interesting development. We found out I have a taller standing vertical than Tom. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, by a couple inches. Right. Yeah, well, because Tom's got fucking T-Rex arms. Hey That's bad Interesting development We found out I have a taller Standing vertical than Tom Oh really Yeah Standing vertical Yeah by a couple inches Right Yeah well cause Tom's got

Fucking T-Rex arms Yeah every sport I had to play I had to fucking Really get the leg The leg motors moving In order Yeah Yep

In order you know You said it That is so Someone did tweet that When I was fucking When I put out a poll Asking who thought I could dunk by September.

And someone just said, you have the body of a dinosaur, which I thought was pretty fucking funny. One of those dinosaur chicken nuggets. Man, we both did really good work there. Body of a dinosaur. Yeah, so I got my foot elevated. Well, I talked to the Court Street basketball team physical therapy expert, Isaac, and he said to elevate my foot and I've got some frozen blueberries for my smoothies on it. So

fucking get at me. A parfait of whiteness. I know, dude. It's fucking pathetic. Elevate your foot and drink at a whites-only fountain because that's how long that remedy's been around. Let the waters replenish you. Hey, guys that do simple knowledge,

it's like their doctor house. Right, yeah. It's not lupus. He just needs to elevate his ankle. It's never lupus. It's never lupus. Well, since I can't ask my mom what to do anymore. AIDS, elevate the ankle.

Yeah, yeah. Just get the blood over there. Get it up to a Zig Hailey kind of an angle. A little foot Nazi. You got to elevate your back and pour the AIDS towards your feet so they come out from there. Don't fuck with your feet, you're fine.

It's the big milk jug that says AIDS on it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It'll work for magic, it'll work for me. Oh, yeah. What if one of us gets AIDS? How's that gonna affect the pickup games? Who's the most likely to get AIDS?

Due to gayness? Keith. Due to cleanliness? Me. Well, yeah, but I'm also off the market and my girlfriend, as best I know, does not have AIDS. Yeah, Keith is in a committed relationship. I think it's you. Yeah, I mean, I am the most likely to pick up a needle. I don't like how Mike just told you that he was inspired.

Like, wow. Yeah, I know. That was really... I fuck. Good for you, buddy. You found one. I thought you found one. I didn't know it was with one person, buddy.

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Oh, yeah, no, Keith. And me, I don't know. He gets to squish when he's not... He gets to squish. He gets to squish.

Call me a romantic. I call it... It's onomatopoeia, don't you know? I live with the guy. Homeboy does a lot of squishing. I would say he's squishing most of the day. That's true. I have a natural squishing.

Be it into a chair or when you want. I like to describe my torso as a living waterbed. Always in motion and you're like, well, this is kind of gross, but I've been having fun in the 70s. Always filled with live goldfish. Yeah, yeah. No matter what surface Keith is walking on, it sounds like he's wearing galoshes and mud. Live goldfish, but the cracker.

They came to life inside of me like a fucking... And they naturally just know how to swim inside. Yeah, exactly. They're like, oh, nature finds a way. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're talking about your ankles, Gabe. Yeah, my gay-ass ankle. Yeah.

Should we talk about what you fucking got into yesterday? Oh, yeah, I did. There's a video up on my Instagram, but I got a bug up my ass, and I went and bought some throwing knives, and I made myself a little target, and I went out, and I threw a little knives. It was fun.

I do the Ralph Thorne no-spin method. I know you're familiar, Mike. Let me put the microphone on my face so they can feel the tension. Mike just cocked his head like a bird looking at a window. Mike's face looks like he just watched Keith blow Connor, then no one said anything,

and then we just tried to continue the podcast. So your relationship is going You don't need to throw knives What are you white guys preparing for why are you throwing? Man that's gonna be the best part of the race war Anime dudes who are just like I've got this with a katana and they get beaten to death by nine black Fuck yeah, all the hipster all the hipster guys getting weapons that were existing gangs of New York. Yeah, and they just stomped my tail.

Go pull up my Instagram and tell me. It's pretty cool. It looks fun. Look, I'm fully aware it's the stupidest fucking thing to do with your time, but I'm not going to let anybody tell me how to have my hot girl summer. This is my hot girl summer. I'm going to get really good at throwing knives. Here's the funniest thing to me is that your number one thing you did yesterday was throw knives, and the second that is you also

saw the Beatles. Oh, yeah. And that's like an afterthought to knife throwing. You know what's funny is I've spent a lot more time thinking about the knife throwing. I did. You mentioned the Beatles thing once. You've mentioned the knife throwing for hours. I was practicing knife throwing thing once. You mentioned the knife throwing for hours. I was practicing knife throwing,

and then I went to the concert, and it was so good, I forgot to throw a knife at Paul McCartney. Dude, you could have taken him out and made Ringo the last man standing. What if you're like an assassin that forgot the music was so good? I've always wanted for Ringo

to be the last surviving Beatle, so we have to honor him, and he has to go up on stage at the Grammys, and they're just like, please welcome the last surviving member of the greatest band of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, Ringo Starr from the Beatles. And he just goes,

uh, I played the drums. I'm the other one. They let me be in the Beatles. Okay, I'm looking at this. He's just fucking not profound. I'll be playing at Alex's bar in Long Beach. Connor got a bullseye. Connor's good at it, yeah.

It's pretty cool. It's kind of cool. It's notye. Connor's good at it, yeah. It's pretty cool. It's kind of cool. It's not cool. He's been whipping us at our fence, like, doing mad property damage. Oh, yeah, well, Tom was trying to talk about his emotions, and I was like, you know what'll make you feel better watching me stick these knives? I was in a weird place, because, like, you guys came home, and I was like, I told you, like, yeah, my friend just, I just found out my friend tried to kill herself, and Connor's

like, I'm going to teach you how to throw a knife. It's time to move on with our lives, buddy. Well, at first I was like, oh, it's a great bit. And then he kept doing it throughout the suicide conversation. It made Tom feel better, and, you know... I like that you decided that. No, I know my friends, Keith, unlike you. At one point, I was just like, yeah, I'm I know my friends Keith unlike you

Really worried about I'm not good names man Two people her and knife and you knew it wasn't a knife he's like oh this knife's name is yeah so i saw i also saw a fucking paul mccartney uh i took my i got my parents tickets for christmas i went with them it was very cute um and uh it was all right i'd seen him before it was a lot of the same stuff but it was still cool of course you know it's cool to see big stadium or whatever i'd actually i hadn't been to dodger stadium in like 20 years so it was good still cool of course you know it's cool to see big stadium or whatever I'd actually I hadn't been a Dodger Stadium in like 20 years so I was cool and fucking he did give a fucking speech about cyber bullying pretty whack all right three songs in not only is this a new one but

it comes with we just wanted to say that this one's about bullying and if you're out if you're a free after people, don't do that. It was just nothing insightful or preventive. And then Ringo's like, can I play? And he's like, shut up, faggot. And I was just like, you know, and if you're out there and you're getting bullied, you know, someone send them this song and maybe it'll help them.

If you're going to start your career, steal from black artists, but don't bully other boys. No boy bullying. He also, before he played Blackbird, he was talking about the civil rights movement and shit, and he's like, yeah, I just wanted to write this song, and maybe it would give them some strength.

And I'm like, that's what did it. Paul was the fucking... He's like, you're welcome, Martin Luther King. Yeah, but that was kind of the tone. He was just kind of like, basically, I helped quite a bit. I wrote this song on a Etch-A-Sketch, and I shook it, and the lyrics stayed with me, so it's a good Cardi is just like a toothy Bane

Third graders impression of everybody. Just give me anybody. Oh, fucking Cardi B. Yeah, I used to be a stripper. Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Yeah, the news is mean. Adam Sandler. Shabba doo.

I got that one. Adam Sandler. Shabba-doo. I got that one. I want Adam Sandler to do a master class of funny noises. I'm Adam Sandler. Shabba-doo. You want to loosen the throat. Shabba-doo. And he just goes through it very meticulously. Unit four.

Shabba-doo. In the keyboard of your mind, just drag across. And it'll come out. Everything is cat noise. This technique is called starting out quiet and building to a yell. That's all it is. I heard if you play Adam Sandler's Sounds Backwards, it's a George Carlin routine. Did you hear that?

I did. Yeah, yeah. He does mostly talk in white scats. White scats. Yeah. Shabba dab. Shabba doo doo doo. And then you take it backwards.

Shit. Not my kid. Talk like a motherfucker in tits. That rules. I had a fucking dodger dog, and boy, do those suck. Oh, come on. Dodger dogs are trash. No.

Yes, they are. They are not. It's a fucking boiled, pale, borderline raw hot dog. Oh, what are you saying? Says the man in yellow pants. Yeah, but

Menendez, you're a trash. You are a giant Dodger dog right now. I know nothing about hot dogs. I'm a serious athlete and once I recuperate,

I will throw a knife into your face I'd imagine him posting up and he he went one for 16 all in one play like it's just in the front Oh, no, I got it. I got it Who got injured missing a layup while guarded by Milhouse I got injured chasing a fat guy is what happened to his Tom jed me, and I went, you cut that out, and oh, fuck. Your ankles fucked my Tom. I'm a man who I don't think technically has ankles.

Yeah, that's so weird. I think your whole leg is just a strong calf. You have fucking foot thighs. You know what? I like Tom's thighs. I really don't have ankles. I have just different sized trees on my legs. It looks like just a smaller log cut into a larger log.

Although this is good if we're hungry and we've got to look at you and you're a turkey. You know what I mean? You know what? The leg is the one part where it's all going to be meat. All right? Well, no. It would be meat everywhere. Muscle.

Tom, what are you talking about? You want to eat my tits. What are you talking about? You don't want to eat the muscle. That's why veal tastes good, okay? You want to get the nice vealy in what scenario are we able to fucking? Are we able to kill and eat you for food? You know what I mean? When the protein be better

Everywhere wouldn't muscle be but I don't know how cannibalism works Mike I don't know if you have any thoughts on this. But wouldn't you want to eat the muscle? The muscle is the grossest. When you eat beef, are you like, can I have the fucking right bicep or whatever cow muscles are? I don't think cows have biceps. You want the tender part. You know how cows flex. Tom walks into Ruth's Chris.

Yes, one bicep raw, please. Give me your loosest meat. You have corn. I like corn. I want the cow that's been fed creatine. Yeah. What do you have in a moo sushi? No, but you want the soft parts.

You have a lot of soft parts. You'd be delicious. Look, if we get in a situation where somebody's getting eaten, I know I'm the one who's getting eat You would also yeah, you'd be the easiest to try honor Connor again is the Dodger dog of this scenario Just like there's barely any Connor was eating you because he had you was starving he'd still be complaining about the taste No, I feel like a baby fat as You'd be calling me fat as you're

eating my fat. If I ate Keith, I feel like I'd break out with acne right afterwards. You know? Like when you go to Jack in the Box and you have a buttery Jack and you're like, oh, I fucking feel it coming out of my face immediately. All Connor's meat is tofu. That's true, yeah. If you were gonna

eat me, I guess you probably... I don't know. You probably... I guess the thought... Yeah, there's really not a lot to work with. I go neck. You got a lot of neck. My neck? No, your neck. Long neck, gin the neck. I got a lot of neck?

You do have a lot of neck. You got a lot of neck, dude. I've never realized or heard this about myself until right now. Me and Tom are not great arbiters of standard neck length, to be fair. No. Because we're both fucking dwarves. Honestly, I just got a neck in 2017. It's weird to get a neck, right?

Yeah, it's fun. I don't have a great one, but I have more than I had before. Have you ever had a proper neck, Keith? What's up? You're kind of just a head on top of a shittier head. I don't feel like I had a decent neck until right now. Oh, well, you don't.

All right. You have... Sorry, what? You have good upper chest. Oh, fat tits. You have a good upper chest. The point where your head and shoulders meet. That's a neck, chief.

Not for you. But he's good looking, though. You're like a sexy snowman. You're a hot squish. Hot squish. You're a fuckboy, the snowman. You're a hot squish. Hot squish. Fuck boy the snowman. Just a little boy put your head on top of your shoulders and said it's a comedian. You put a trucker cap on him and he comes to life and fucks your girlfriend. Mike is actually looking pretty hot right now.

You look like you've been doing some shit. You seem like you're in better shape. I play a lot of basketball just like you guys. Oh, no shit. Which Shana Brown are you again? Burnt sienna. Nice, Tom. Cuban, man.

I couldn't remember if it was Cuban or Puerto Rican. It's the same shit, even though I tried to tell that to a Puerto Rican guy one time when we were both drunk, and he slapped me in the face. It's not like a Puerto Rican to get angry over nothing. I made a joke how I wore the same shit. I was door guying at a bar. Right.

On Cigo de Mayo. And this guy, I always thought he was Indian. I always thought he was Indian. And he told me he was Puerto Rican. And I was like, cool. And then I said, oh, isn't it weird? We're like the same shit. He's like, what do you mean?

I said, oh, we're, you know, we both suck at soccer. We're Americans for absolutely no goddamn reason. You know what I mean? Right. It was a joke. And he said, you goddamn reason. He slapped me in the face. Jesus. And he tried to fight me reason. He slapped me in the face.

Jesus. And he tried to fight me. And then this guy like wrestled him away from me. And he went away in his car. And then the guy asked me, like, why did that guy do it? I'm like, because he's Puerto Rican, man.

That's what they do. Switchblade temper, man. That's it. That's it. Rosie Perez ain't shit. Pitbull. Rosie Perez is way more on his podcast. Good. Good. Turn on each other. Stupid. Pitbull. Wasn't he way more on his podcast?

Good. Good. Turn on each other. Stupid. You're fucking stupid. Every Puerto Rican friend I've ever had has screamed at me

multiple times. Every friend you've ever had has screamed at you multiple times. Some are afraid to. You're an infuriating man to be friends with. Some people are angry

away from me because they don't want me to be bad. That's a good point. I get hulky when I'm mad. Dude, that is the one thing I realized playing basketball with you. You weren't even being violent. I was withholding a lot.

When you see Tom running towards you, it is viscerally frightening. Yeah. He never looks like he's on his way to make anyone's life better. You know what I mean? You play football with a different ball. That's what you do. I was going out of my way you guys were instead i made too much contact last game so i went out of my way not to be to not be too aggressive uh going for balls and stuff there was one point in

that first game where literally i was wide open i turned i saw you look at me and just go and start running and i put fuck and threw the ball. Yeah, that's one thing I noticed about you. I put pressure on you, and you just randomly chucked the ball up. Well, yeah, Connor generally gets it. Yeah, no, it worked. Oh, I was just checking the time. Well, yeah, no, I mean, that was always my favorite thing in any sport is just, well, I also, people, I think people think i'm gonna move slower based

off of how i look yeah because i'm very top heavy and i'm not fast but very fast for my build tom is very competitive and very focused yeah so it scared me how he said i was holding a lot back i feel like that's some shit ron artest would say to reporters you know as the first time i played time played football without an actual foot bro Tom has played football with actual feet as the ball Hold a lot back right now, okay? Is my defender's face still on his head? Yeah. I'm holding a lot back right now.

Do you see a hole in his chest cavity where I pulled his fucking heart out? No? You're welcome. Yeah, yeah. He's a daddy of three. Yeah. He set a hard screen on me. Is his family still alive?

Yeah. I'm holding a lot back. If I get to a four, someone's going to the hospital. Have I weaponized my chain wallet? I didn't think so. I'm holding a lot back. Did I beat the nearest homeless guy with a rim? No. I'm holding a lot back here

I'm gonna later. I'm glad later Well that was my favorite thing in sports where we're in games was just getting in people's heads because I could hurt them a lot Right you know it wasn't even it was also like what a serial killer I talked you on the basketball court. I'm a shit talker. Yeah, I'm pretty quiet I think I'm scarier when i'm quiet you definitely are when you talk you go oh i don't have to worry about what this guy thinks about anything you know you really uh you're like a pit bull that meows like yeah yeah you've never you've never like really talking has never really improved things for you. No, it doesn't. Yeah. No, yeah.

It's good to know that. Grunting. Grunting has improved some situations. Okay. In the bedroom. Let's give some examples here. When someone's threatening towards you, if you just make random noises. So you bark at them?

You just. Freaks them out. He's DMXing? Yeah. No, random noises freak people out more than words Okay words they can interpret random noises. They don't know what I get a refund for this All right, you're gonna want to spin what Tom calls his wheel of sounds Now this may seem bad, but this will throw off an attacker.

Here's the thing. Do you guys know about mountain lions? What the hell? Yeah. You know mountain lions? How many mountain lions have you played basketball with? Not basketball. But if you come across a mountain lion,

double covered by two pumas. Two on fast break. Me, another lion against his friend. You encounter a mountain lion, you don't run. They are faster than you. Okay. All people faster unless they have no legs. Okay.

Oh, man. A legless mountain lion. Did you find this out at a Target in your hometown or something? No, no, no. Many mountain lions in my hometown. If they have no legs, they're called a mountain lion, but it's spelled L-Y-I-N. Yeah, Tom has... I know.

I know. You need a little love back. What you'll find out about Tom is that he only reads nihilist poetry and zoo books. If you come across a rock cat, you've got to get as big as possible and make loud noises and intimidate them. If you come across a poor, naked lion... Tom, we really appreciate you coming in, but we're going to go with a different summer camp counselor. I'm sorry to tell you that. If you are running off instinct, pure instinct, survivalist instincts, we are not smarter than cats.

Okay. Tom is the kind of guy, when they talk about, like, straws destroying turtles, he's like, but what about the ones who can do ninja with the rat father? Human beings we're good like algebra Turtles we're better playing it fast. We and human beings The collective We're better. You're playing it fast. We and human beings. No, I'm not. The collective we. What I'm saying is. You came to me on this the day of my daughter's wedding.

And you asked me for mountain lion tips. Well, I'm very excited because I have many incoherent thoughts. Excuse me. I have to take this piece of pizza down the stairs. This is important to realize. People can geometry better than cats, all right? But cats... What the hell?

Cats better at surviving in a primal setting than people. See, I thought geometry was a metaphor. I realized he was just talking about geometry. Despite the fact that Tom looks like a cat taught him geometry. You know what? Any kind of... You know what, Rich? We beat cats.

Okay. Any kind of, like, jump to that thing, cats win. Here's the thing. I do believe. Seeing in the dark contest, no chance. I'm going to preface this by saying I think you're right about everything. You know in a video game when they have those levels where you have to just keep jumping because the platform falls out from under your feet as soon as you hit it?

That's Tom putting sentences to cats. Because I watch you go, uh, primal? Yeah, it's a series of fucking Frogger Turtles where they're just, you've got two seconds. I understand, right, but it's amazing watching you be exactly one inch ahead of your own brain. Here's the problem. Whenever I think of a word with more than one syllable, okay, my brain just, you know those wheels that you crank at the fucking casino? Like, it does that with big words where I'm like, oh, God, I hope I land on the right wine.

Yeah, uh-oh, shrewd. Yeah. There we go. Okay, primal, nocturnal, for friendship. Primal. Yeah, like, it's just a wheel of words. Tom, if, like, thoughts are Tetris,

what fucked-up game is going on in your mind? Just like, that piece goes that piece no it's that call of duty level in the airport where you just mow everybody down remember no english dude i played that level that was fucked up man i i found it i found it uncomfortable i like i had a friend who was like yeah man sometimes i just gotta blow off some steam and i just play that level and i was like i don't know it and he's like i'll show you and i was like yeah, man? Sometimes I just got to blow off some steam and I just play that level and I was like I don't know it and he's like I'll show you I was like oh my god. Can't hang out with you back to it. Oh, yeah He would just be just be like oh geez fucking chemistry class was a bitch

You know it was very upset I played through that game the first time with like a group of buddies and like everybody else is like this is bad And then one guy's like I don't know what you guys are being gay about. Like, fuck it. I don't know. Shouldn't have gone to the airport, homos. Well, that level's so fucked up because there's no one really shooting at you. Like, the whole time I played that level, I was just like,

well, when's the other guys going to show up as I shoot these children? What do I have to dunk and shit? Yeah. Like, so there's no skill. It's just killing people. It made me wildly uncomfortable. It's the only level of Call of Duty I'm actually good at. It's really a visual representation of making fun of you.

Just like, oh, everything is a target from ankle to words. It's all good. Yeah, that is a situation where a mountain lion would thrive. No one is armed. Playing that level of Call of Duty? In real life. In real life, yeah. Just lots of food.

It was during the day. So you're saying that mountain lions would love the airport. Hang on. I have a genuine debate. Be genuine. All right. Tom with a handgun and backup ammunition or a mountain lion unchecked. Who could kill more innocent people in an airport before being taken down?

I don't think I could kill any innocent people. Assuming you really wanted to. Okay. Yeah. We're on the holodeck, so they're fake people or something. All right. So Tom has... How much ammo does Tom have? Let me help Tom here.

Okay. It's an airport full of mountain lions. How many can you wear? Tom gets immediately hurt. But they're wearing. Oh, yeah. They're all dead. But they're wearing people clothes.

But they're wearing people clothes. Like, oh, no, I got killed by the pilot. And standing on both legs, like, checking their watches. This looks like you walked into Chester the Cheeto World. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. There's a human in the airport.

What the fuck? Call the us police. The mountain lions have stupid voices if they could talk. I'm a mountain lion. Get away from the mountain. Fucking meow. Great ad, Tom. Meow. That's the mobster. meow. Great ad, Tom. Meow.

That's the mobster. Meow. Have a good night, sweetie. Meow. I run fast and climb trees, bitch. Listen here, pets. Meow. Meow.

I ate a baby once. Meow, meow, meow. Human baby. What the fuck are we doing? Fuck your mother. I'm a mountain lion. Anyone else can say anything. I can keep doing this all fucking day. I'm a mountain lion. Anyone else can say anything. I can keep doing this all fucking day.

I'm going to suck your dick and bite it off afterwards. I feel like we're going to learn about... This mountain lion likes anal. I will continue to add details that are irrelevant. I want you to keep on... Fuck you, Mike. I feel like if we let him do this for five more minutes,

we're going to find out childhood trauma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need to wait for the voice for that. But through a mountain lion. That's not what bath time is for. Just think the mountain lion remembered what happened when he got molested. Cats don't bathe. Oh, my God.

I'm not a bad cat, Mom. Actually accurate. They do like themselves, though. And so does Tom, so that's good. Well, you gotta get sodium somewhere in this house. There's no salt in this. I don't think we have salt. What are you talking about, wetting yourself?

No, no, licking myself. Oh, licking yourself, okay. Can't reach my crotch, can't reach my arm. Mayboy's podcast will be right then. Yeah, yeah. Hello, and welcome to the first ever I Did Gay Stuff Once and Didn't Like It or Feel Confused About It Pride Parade. For years, there's been gay pride parades. A new development has been the straight pride parade.

But there still has been nowhere for people who did gay stuff once to march. Until today. Now everyone's sexual history is out in the open in the shape of a parade. And oh boy, it has been a hit. Men from all over the world have come to Buffalo, New York to celebrate their confusion in a town that echoes most people's thoughts on the parade itself.

Which is, why does this exist? Let's talk to some participants. Hi, I'm Mark. I'm straight, I think. Well, I did gay stuff once, but it was just a handjob. Had a lot of daiquiris and gin. I don't know, is a handjob that gay? I mean, there really isn't much sexual about a woman giving a handjob either. It's really just a handshake that one person kind of enjoys a little more. Wow, thanks, Mark. Oh, here comes the first float. It's Celine Dion, but she is fully naked because we could not tell if that was more gay or straight.

No, that's straight. Well, actually, shit. Oh, and here comes painter, former president, and cowboy man, George W. Bush. We're walking forward. That's right, George. We actually invited all the members of Skull and Bones, but the only two to show up were George Bush and Paul Giamatti.

I was in a movie about fucking wine. That's right, Paul. Oh, here comes our first group of men. Men who own and are always holding a cat. Its name is Garfield. They're all named Garfield. Odd how often this kind of man is willing to try something new. Our hats are off

to you. Oh, and here comes the next group of men that I did it for the joke guys. Many men have fallen into hardcore sodomy for the sake of laughter, and wow, there are a lot of people wearing tap out shirts. We're here. We were queer, but just that one time to make Greg laugh.

We're here, we were queer, but just that one time to make Greg laugh. Yeah, dude, it was so funny when Johnny came on my neck. You're right, that is funny. Wow, and look at that cleaning crew, swimming all the excess Four Locos in Budweiser. That's good parade planning. Oh, here's the next group of men, led by a float of a bottle of Listerine.

It's the I did it because I live in San Francisco men. Hello, I live in San Francisco. I sucked up Dave because I think it's important to keep an open mind and an open mind. Well, I would like to remind everyone that there's never anything wrong with being open to something new to see if you like it.

In fact, there are many gay people that weren't sure and gave it a shot and realized they're gay. We invite them, too, but they're in a much better parade. Until next time, enjoy the fucking parade. And we're back here on the Mean Boy. I don't know why I said it that way. What voice do you think you're doing? This is why you're not entrusted with the janitorial duties of the podcast. I trust myself.

We're back on the Mean Boys podcast, and the people know it. I did my job. The job has done me, and we're doing. You guys, don't look at me weird. Mike, you know what's about to happen, right? You're going to transition into a. The Mexican joke off. He told you it's Cuban.

Cuban Jokov. Aye, cigars! Oh, you mean Jokov. Got it. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'll take it.

Latinx Jokov. He's not Mexican Jokov to us. He's just Jokov, man. Yeah. I'll take his way this week. I got one I like here. A man that used the hide and seek game As a technique to isolate and rape children Has been sentenced to 40 years in prison

On charges of lewd sexual acts with a minor Kidnapping and peaking It's fucking cheap, dude. Yeah, I know. It was fucking lame, dude. Yeah. Respect the rules of the molestation. I used to love playing, like, fucking Teenager Hide and Seek.

We called it Night Tag, where if you got tagged, you're out. You know, and you tried to touch the telephone pole. It got fucking, it got violent. It was pretty cool. Oh, dude, did you guys ever play Cops and Robbers? And then we started playing Night Tag with fucking weapons. We made these cardboard swords with, like, a bunch of duct tape. It was fucking great. Did you guys ever play Cops and Robbers? And then we started playing Night Tag with fucking weapons. We made these cardboard swords with, like, a bunch of duct tape. It was fucking great.

Did you guys ever play Cops and Robbers? A little bit. Not really. I remember one time I was at a homeschool camping trip. Yeah. A bunch of kids who have no social experience. We decided to play Cops and Robbers. We started, and all the cops immediately just start beating the shit out of all the robbers.

We were, like, really accurate cops and robbers. They were, like, throwing sand at their face, like stomping. Why is Timmy turning his badge around? Like he's storming tiny Stonewall. Oh, yeah, you guys were playing cops and guy that was just walking back from 7-Eleven. Cops and Trayvons. Yeah, it was fucking...

I'm pretty sure you were just part of the Stanford experiment. That was a different phase of my life, weirdly. That's fucking good. All right, Tom, you want to go next or you want me to go next? I don't care. I can go next phase of my life, weirdly. That's fucking good. All right, Tom, you want to go next or you want me to go next? I don't care. I can go next if you want. Do it. A correctional officer was fired for bringing in a burrito filled with drugs into work.

Sorry. I fucked that up. A Colorado correctional officer was fired for bringing in a burrito filled with drugs into work. Finally, a decent argument that Colorado has better Mexican food. You know, everyone's always debating.

It is a thing. It is a thing. Yeah, Colorado tries to flex on fucking Mexican food. I've never heard this. Denver, I love you. You ain't shit. No, it's not. That joke would have worked better if I didn't forget the key word the first time I said it. Like the Astrovans don't run out of gas by Idaho.

What the fuck are you talking, Colorado? There are a lot of Mexicans in Colorado, but California, I've had Mexican food all around this fucking country now. You guys have too. It's not as good as California. No. The fucking worst was, I don't know why we trusted the Arkansas Mexican food. You remember that, John? Oh, God, I remember that.

Where they gave me a sock full of sour cream and hamburger helper. It was fucking wretched. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, this is the fucking most legit Mexican food place. Oh, there's Ohio. No, this was Ohio. No, it was both.

It was both. I remember that one in Kent where you were about to punch the burrito man. That was the night I got high and threw the dog in the house where you could smoke inside. No, I remember that. Oh, yeah. It's a whole thing. A lady shoved her hand into my mouth. Tom threw out his back.

And by the way, imagine. You didn't see Tom's face. No one saw his face as he did that. Yeah, yeah. It was true. He opened his eyes wide open and looked at me as if I was the lady. Yeah. Tom got fish hooked by a CBD hipster because he was sitting there like a big dumb brick because he couldn't move.

I was in so much pain. I remember I tried to tie my shoes and I thought I was going to start crying. It was so fucking painful. Because you still don't know how to do it at age 26. I couldn't fucking move. And then Connor got high and threw it. And by the way, for the listeners, Tom was wearing the, she said, no strippers hat as a yarmulke for the last

five minutes. The hat chooses. It's been sliding. It's been grooving. It's been moving. I'm fucking mad I forgot the key word of that joke. Got it, Mike. You're up. Go on. WWE star Jeff Hardy of the

Hardy Boys was arrested in South Carolina for public intoxication. When asked for comment, Jeff said, I was stone cold sober when I back flipped off the Waffle House roof onto my Kia Sorento. Is that what he did? No. That's the perfect car to do that. He was just arrested for public intoxication. That's what happens when he's without his brother. Speaking of the white trash arts, Metallica is releasing a children's book called The ABCs of Metallica.

They released a sneak peek of one of the pages. H is for here. All right, guys. At a routine traffic stop in Oklahoma, police discovered a man had in his car whiskey, a gun, a rattlesnake, and a canister of radioactive uranium. No word yet on where he got Keith Carey's mother's martini recipe. Those are famous Keith Carey's

mom martinis. She just drinks Hulk blood. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. A crack rock on a toothpick instead of an olive. Oh, fuck yeah. Man, do you guys ever, one time my karate instructor showed us bum fights at like a summer camp which i guess like to be cool but it was like immediately like dvd menu was just like tits and fucking toothless aids guys and you're just like oh i'm seven well bum

fights lives in that same space as the call of duty level where like if you see the kid who's a little too stoked on it he's gonna be a problem later oh for sure and he like i really have haunting memories of seeing this guy just have a crack rock and just like toss it between them and go let the games begin and i was like oh shit fight for your king all right a live stream pakistani political press conference was actually put on cat filter isis is now thinking of doing the same thing for beheading videos to help viewership by millennials. Republicans. That was Tom Marr.

Politics are for me. New rule. If you think you're better at cat stuff than cats, you might be a Republican. New rule, if it's not Tapatio, I'm going to yell a lot. Fun fact, I don't know if you ever noticed it, the Tapatio guy looks exactly like Jared Leto. Holy shit, he does.

Right? Tapatio is fucking amazing. Right? It's fucked up. It's happening to you. It's going to make so much sense. It's fucking amazing. And I asked very politely. That explains all his jaw, jaw, jaw tattoos. Very politely. Just tamales tattooed on his forehead. What does the joke have on his forehead?

Damaged. Oh, okay. Does he actually have a tattoo? It says, Pellegroso. He's got a big forehead It's his belly gross. Oh That'd be a fun Photoshop the tattoo deputy you guy with Spanish versions of the Joker tattoos Somebody get on that and he's got Dio de los muertos Joker makeup Yeah, actually sounds kind of dumb All right, I heard a lot of Spanish words and that was all I comprehended

We're doing the Denver special yeah, you did a lot of yelling sounds like Tom Mars new rule is pretty accurate if you ask me Murtos is what it was is that me? Yeah, I fucking it's like graveyard close. Yeah dead Oh Mike is incensed I Was doing it for you guys. I know the words. I'm just really getting to know Tom more than I've ever gotten to know him. Wait, does Cuba, do they speak Spanish or do they speak Cuban? Can someone get me a bottle of Topps?

I'm trying to be sensitive, not insensitive. Gain the knowledge. Do you actually not know or is this a bit? I actually genuinely do not know. I've never been to Cuba. Neither have I. Yeah, most people haven't, dude. It's kind of a thing.

We escaped, Tommy, but I know that we don't. And I'm glad you did. You're very funny. I just want to know what the native tongue is. Spanish. Okay, I don't know. Portuguese. Fucking Portuguese Is almost Spanish

But it's not Maybe there was Cubanese I don't fucking know The rules Do you speak English Or Fresno Not really

It's mostly fronting And guessing I'm not a linguist Purist I mostly make sounds And if they go together That's neat He speaks like a very

Concussed dead language Yeah I remember You speak head trauma Latin Yeah He's got CTE That's neat. He speaks like a very concussed dead language. Yeah. You speak head trauma Latin. Yeah. He's got safety from watching football too closely on the television. I speak the way of like Sid from Toy Story had like a speaking spell he abused. Like just fucking, yeah, just random. What?

Fuck you, Toy Story. I got it. Yeah. Keith. This is new news England was crowned cricket world champions this morning When they defeated either New Zealand or South Africa or Australia Honestly, who can tell the fucking difference? And honestly, who cares?

It's fucking cricket Cricket is so lame It's the lamest sport It's literally like they just turned baseball even worse Cricket came first New Zealand is kind of It's literally They just turned baseball even worse Cricket came first New Zealand is kind of Australia's Cuba right What That sounds right

I don't know man It's an island near the thing In that respect yeah I'm a fan of Cuba The US Coast Guard As we say in Cuba. I feel like Ireland is definitely England's Mexico. No.

I feel like the rest of Europe is England's Mexico. That's a good point. The world is England's Mexico. Yeah, they're pretty picky. The U.S. Coast Guard discovered a submarine loaded with 8.5 tons of cocaine. Nearby, they also discovered an octopus who kept talking about starting a small business. That's a fun one. You know, crazy octopus.

It's like shoes for hands, man. Okay, what do we got going on here? Fucking, in light of reported ICE raids, Houston churches will open their doors to undocumented immigrants. In a related story, ICE is going to raid a bunch of churches in Houston next week. I saw that article and I was like, well, that's a very nice gesture, but what exactly is the plan? Do they have like

diplomatic immunity? Is there some sort of like, are they going to... Yeah, like the cops are going to stop. Well, it's a church. We're not going to... ICE lives by vampire rules, so obviously we can't deport the... Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's those fucking... I was just like, in this article, is this helping?

Is this for ice? Yeah. It's like, they'll be over here, so don't come look for them, wink wink. I do love all the fucking... Just the white graphic designers sharing the ice raid. If anyone on my friends list from my... Yeah. If any of the 30 people I know ruining Silver Lake currently are worried about being deported.

If any of my seance buddies are undocumented immigrants. I need to keep my coven in America. Yeah, and it's like, well, that's nice, but... It does seem like it's way more to look cool because you did it. Yeah. Yeah. Tommy Ross. Am I being an asshole?

What? Since birth? See, I have a- A Chick-fil-A manager. I have an illegal- What was that? I have an illegal friend, but Tom is illegal how, like, E.T. is illegal. They're going to send guys in white suits to come get him?

Yeah. They're going to send boys to men to come get Tom. Those men did look like assholes. What if boys to men got E.T.? That would be funny. But then he joins the band at the end. Yeah, yeah. I feel like you wouldn't be able

to play guitars. Fingers are too long. That's good because it's a vocal group. A is a vocal group. B, long fingers would make you better at a guitar. They look brittle. But he's grabbing stuff. He's doing E.T. He would be able to do a cool light show on the neck of the guitar. They look brittle. But he's grabbing stuff. He's doing E.T. He would be able to do a cool light show

on the neck of the guitar. I think that guy with fingers that literally shoot magic would suck at guitar. Tom, this might be the worst take you've ever had.

E.T. Dude, his fucking tip burning hands. bro, I'm just, I'm thinking it out. He's a Jack Spillington

looking motherfucker. Johnny Party Sausages isn't going to lay it down. I'm thinking it out. Edward Scissorhands could do some cool blues slide playing. There you go. Yeah, do some real Jack White shit, which that seems like what Johnny Depp would do, honestly.

Edward Scissorhands is like a less creepy Jack White. I like him a lot. He kind of is. Less creepy Jack White. He's like a Jack White you'd let your daughter date. Jack White is not like I built this guitar out of an old tree. Yeah, Jack White. He's like a Jack White you'd let your daughter date. Jack White is not like I built this guitar out of an old tree.

Yeah, Jack White. I mean, I was... The White Stripes are like really... That's what fucking got me into music in general. I was the biggest White Stripes fan when I was like 12, 13. He needs to chill the fuck out

with everything. He needs to stop inventing three-inch vinyl records and selling players. Like, what are you, for what, Jack? We get it. You're a kooky guy. It's been established.

Do you think he had a hard time divorcing his sister? Probably. I do every once in a while Google, like, probably over two years, has Meg White said anything? And it's always like, no. She's chilling. She got divorced. Is yeah we married there was a good fake sex tape that came out I don't know how fake that sex tape was I don't think it was really her it looks like her yeah but a lot of girls look like her that's true I mean

she's like she's not unattractive really she's a pretty base model human I thought make white was hot man a doctor found a toothpick in a woman's liver. Pretty weird. You can't eat an entire liver off of a toothpick. Nailed it. Ta-da! So this was, I like to imagine this was like the Junior Men scene from Seinfeld, but there was a southern gambler in a seersucker suit who was just like,

now I bet you that you can't get that liver. Oh, no! Yeah, the livers are pretty big, especially human livers. So there's not enough pick to keep it on. No, you thought there was a language called Cubanese, but you know how big a liver is. Well, yeah, I didn't learn this shit in Cuban. If anybody in this room looks like they know the weights of organs, it's Tom.

Yeah. Did you hear Al Pacino learned Cuban for like three months before Scarface? That sounds accurate. Is he supposed to be Cuban in that movie? In Scarface? Yeah. The most Cuban fucking movie ever. I've never seen it.

He is an Italian and Cuban face. Yeah. Okay. Fuck, man. That's really insane that we just let that slide. Well, Cubans are not actually like, they're like out of all the minor groups. Well, they're not. They, like Mexicans, if you get caught in the States, you're deported.

You're fucked, right? Cubans have, for the longest time, had wet foot, dry foot. Like Reagan led in a bunch of Cubans. So if you make it here you're good yeah they've always been accepted as part of american culture like in a way that no other ethnicities especially any hispanic like latin uh latin um people you're like latin canadians like latin canadians yeah okay i know i haven't got one i've been i've been ignorant question tom's got it well they have not deported the cubans because it's like they couldn't really send them back there?

Because it's like we're not really flying back and forth. That's offensive. No, it's a valid question. It's a valid question. That's kind of just a stupid question, I hope. We couldn't really deport somebody to North Korea. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's kind of what I'm getting at.

You know what it is? You send them to Puerto Rico, though. We just sent everyone to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico's America. Yeah, but not the real America. Send them to a territory, man. Enjoy Guam. Let them vote, but get them away from me, man.

What if we just take Guam and the immigrant islands? Like everybody goes to Guam. They don't have to leave, but everyone's on Guam. And then Guam is the only fun place in America. The great island of miscellaneous. That's where they make Guam camole. Welcome to the package drawer. That's where Guam camole comes from.

I know Guam. Sorry, I'm saying Tom Thoughts now. What language? Guam camole should be Tom's name. Hey, I'm Guam camole. I caught Tom Thoughts. What's that Jedi dad's name? Obi-Gwam camole?

What language are they speaking? What's that country where no one fucks the Virgin Islands? Fucking pussies, dude. No, no. What language are they speaking Guam? What language do they speak in Guam? What? Why do they speak in Guam? You know what's fucked up?

I think it actually is Guamese. Maybe it's not. That's a Star Wars name. Now I'm looking it up. We're all Googling what it is. Guam language. They all speak like Adam Sandler in Guam. It's a bunch of hubba-dubba-doos.

Welcome to our capital city of Chicago. hubba-dubba-doos. Welcome to our capital city. Hubba-dubba-doos. And, of course, our most populous city. Shut up! Okay. The limited disaster resources could have been brought to my attention yesterday. They speak English in Chamorro. What is Chamorro?

Sounds like a fun thing. It's the language they speak in Guam. No, is that similar? That's Tom's favorite joke. Is it an Austronesian language? Oh, okay. That settles it. Spoken by about 58,000 people.

Yep. Great. Tom, you do not need to do it. Why do you have one leg stiff? I'm stretching. Okay. All right, Mike, you're up, buddy. Finu Chamoru.

Native to... We could all leave this room and he'll still be in this one. The Mariana Islands of the Chamoru people. Tom should do books on tape. It actually is soothing. Where he gets no second take. Okay, so he was in West Egg, and then he started, okay, he goes to fuck this, I skipped a few things. The car breaks down, and Gatsby bangs this, which one's Gatsby?

The big one, right? Tom does talk like a high school football coach they forced to teach like English Like the eyes like the fullback And the e is like Geron a Geron we do what you want That might be the best Tom Burns of all time Chamorro has 24 Mike, tell a goddamn joke 18 are consonants

And 6 are vowels Tom, the bit's great We gotta keep moving We got a lot of jokes Why isn't there like a Glass and case Tranquilizer that says If Tom doesn't stop

They have that in the psych ward I avoided it Isn't there like a glass in case tranquilizer that says, if Tom doesn't stop. Yeah. The fucking ketamine start. They had that in the psych ward. Well, I avoided it. I need to equip an ejector seat. Connor, you got to get so good at throwing knives that you can throw it just softly enough to just like debilitate him, but not kill him. Oh, no.

I'm going to cut the mic cord. You know, like I'm saving him from a hangman. There are other languages I can research for you guys. I'm going to tell a joke, Tom. I'm a little Cubanese,man. There are other languages I can research for you guys. I'm going to tell a joke. I'm a little Cubanese, actually. Okay, here we go. A new report revealed that cats in Australia kill over 2 billion wild animals each year.

When reached for comment, all British cats said, Meow, that's why we gave those hooligans their own island. That's a British accent. Meow. I'm British. I like crumpets. I'm British I like crumpets I'm a British cat Look at our big clock meow

Alright good news Cubanese did pop up on Urban Dictionary The definition A motherfucking Cuban and Chinese Like me Oh okay that means some guy Made himself in the end It's like when you go on

Urban Dictionary and be like, fucking Jessica, the hottest girl at Colony High School. It's a dictionary. Barack Obama sent a personal letter to a woman he pardoned from prison during his last term. The letter read, quote, D.C. Ritz-Carlton, room 237.

Freedom isn't free. In related Barack Obama news, a statue of Barack Obama was unveiled in South Dakota this weekend. The statue is incredibly lifelike, and sculptor James Van Nye said it will do just as much to stop civilian drug strikes as the real Barack Obama. Oh, shit. It's very similar to the actual guy.

They're both just like, we look real good. Don't pay attention to what we're doing. Yeah, look how fucking woke I am, everybody. I'm a fucking genius. It's a tra Travis the how fast we got back to Tom I also be woke like a chess game he's the one good so the horse like a shitty tea with only one of the touch I think in think in horse moves. There's no logic. Don't you dare explain that. I can jump things mentally and physically. J-Lo also knows.

I think in horse moves. The guy moves his queen, I shit on the floor. You know, horse moves. I answer math questions through a series of stomps. Horse moves. The Bob Seger song. Horse moves. I kicked the guy in the head once. Only once? I get some math questions through a series of stumps I kicked the guy in the head once he was on the ground Think he was cubanese or something

Crime if you're a horse Clip clap fuck face Tom does not shut the fuck up about oats, so this is starting to make a lot... Dude, have you ever eaten oats? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Tom. Have I eaten oats? You fuck with oats?

Tell your joke, Tom. Why are you deflecting? Tom, you can't be mystified by a basic grain. Because my father was killed by a bag of oats, Tom. Well, you probably ate them wrong. Wait, your father was killed by a bag of oats, Tom. You probably ate them wrong. Your father was killed by Toby Miroshanu. You take that.

No one remembers from the show or has heard of. I'll see you at your wedding in two weeks. You have a bag of oats. Oh, yeah. Happy wedding, Toby. Toby's a great guy. It, yeah. Happy wedding, Toby. Yeah, he's a good guy. Toby's a great guy. It's funny.

Yeah, oats are great. Yep. Tom was fucking, I don't, God forbid I get deeper into this, but Tom fucking goes, here's an oat hack for you. Put honey in them. Oats being one of the first foods humans discovered. And Tom was out of honey, and he had like a jar, and he just kept squeezing it, and One of the first foods humans discovered. And Tom was out of honey, and he had like a jar, and he just kept squeezing it, and there was nothing in it.

It was just making that fart sound. And that was what I determined was the poorest noise in the world. And then I continued to do it. I got all the honey out of that jar. Honey's fucking great. Tom, I will Venmo you money to stop talking about oats. How much? Not a lot. Enough to buy oats. How much? Not a lot. Enough to buy oats.

Switching to Garfunkel. J-Lo, also known as Jennifer Lopez, gave soccer star Carlyle Lloyd a lap dance. Upon striking her butt into their lap, the soccer player started rolling on the floor in pain, grabbing their knee while saying, I am not gay. That's a great joke. Nicely gay. That's a great joke. Thank you. That's a great joke. I also love that you clarified that J-Lo is Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Lopez, also known as J-Lo. Yeah. Or Miss Lopez. She's not married. Is she married? She's dating Alex Rodriguez. Mrs. Lopez. Yeah.

No, Miss. Just dating or married? No, they're just dating. Could have taken the win. There is no winning with me. Everyone dies. Lopez yeah, no miss just dating or married just no they're just a good taking the wind There is no winning with me everyone everyone time. Honestly just impressed. He didn't say Jello Yeah, I started using jail or dating they're the only people that I think when they have sex with each other they're imagining themselves like Yeah, is he like 50 they're both Two people bumping junk against the mirror. Wait, oh, me. Who's her? A-Rod. A-Rod? Alex Rodriguez.

Oh, yeah. Is he like 50 now? Aaron Rodgers. They're both old. J-Lo does not age. She's in that like Illuminati circle of like Beyonce is always the same age, Miley Cyrus. Right. They just, yeah.

I think she does age based on how many articles go, look how great she looks as she's aging. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it used to be, you look great, and it's you look great for this. There's kind of a whole cottage industry around her aging. You know, Angelina Jolie was in that camp before she stopped eating food. She did stop eating food. No, yeah, she had brutal anorexia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She looks like a shin bone. Nice. Good. Mike, you're up, bud. I really want to give Tom to give every person that has anorexia their diagnosis. It's clear he just stopped eating food. That's what's wrong here.

Yeah, you look like the part that's not done. I'm going to run chicken when I'm done eating the chicken. I'm going to write you a prescription for chili. Oats? It all goes back to oats. I wish you were well-recovery, but I don't know if she wants it. Okay. Oats?

Yep, you're done. I'm just filling the void. I am the void. Mike's waiting to do it. Mike, do your thing, buddy. Okay. Okay, fucking retarded dance dance revolution announcer. Do your thing, Mike.

Get it done, fella. Fly. Fly. All right, Jesus. A 16-year-old girl suffered shark bites to her foot and ankle while boogie boarding off Amelia Island. When asked about the boogie boarder, the shark said, it was an honest mistake. I mistook her for someone who was cool. I would never knowingly eat a nerd.

I would never knowingly eat a nerd. That would suck to have to say, like, you're missing a foot, and it's like, who's a shark? And it's like, oh, you're a surfer. Like, well, with an asterisk. Maybe a better tag would have been, I thought she was a seal on a boogie board. Yeah. Well, if it was a boogie board, the headline should have read, fat bitch doesn't have asterisk. Maybe a better tag would have been, I thought she was a seal on a boogie board. Yeah. If it was a boogie board, the headline should have read,

fat bitch doesn't have a foot anymore. You won't believe why. World doesn't lose a lot. Fat woman doesn't lose ankle. Never had one. Fat woman loses foot she wasn't really using. Shark vows to hit the gym next week. Because he hit a fatty.

Who's Amelia? Amelia Island in Florida. A Kentucky Fried Chicken in North Carolina exploded. Authorities say they've obtained security footage of the Hamburglar in a suicide vest. All righty, guys. Big Mac ISIS. La Rabba Rabba. Bad environmental news.

Chevron spilled 800,000 gallons of oil off the coast of California. And to put that in perspective, it's about 500 Olympic swimming pools or 14 Keith Carey underwears worth of oil. Is the implication that my dick is greasy? Yeah, just you got a lot of oil. I thought it was butt leakage you were referring to. I feel like it's a very damp environment, you know. It's honestly, it's drier than you'd think.

Really? Every element of my life is a little less. I guess the chafing and friction creates enough warmth. I have normal fat guy problems, but I think you just pictured my body as some sort of Cronenbergian fuckscape where everything is just falling apart. These shorts are, these are fucking tight shorts. You're wearing some hot pants right now. I got a camel toe.

But no, you have coarser skin, so you're not as wet as people think. Like a rhinoceros? Or what are you getting at? Maybe. I like a tight short. Yeah, I was just giving you a heads up. It looked good. Good looking package. You guys want to know more about Canada? Not calling in the bomb squad on that one.

As Tom would say, I love your ashtray. Deep callback. That's from a while ago. I love you guys. Menendez from downtown. I did toothpick. Donut one's not ready. It's not ready.

The world can't handle this donut joke. You've got to find better heroin ties. A Chick-fil-A manager helped a World War II vet change a tire in an act of kindness. Thankfully, the ancient man will now be able to run over pedestrians without a missing tire impeding him. Because he's old. Bad driver. Pedestrians. Hit by car.

World War II vet. Long time ago. Age with time. I missed it. Time. Are you telling us a story with the Thunderdome boys? Old man. In the long, long ago.

Young enough for fighting during World War II. Now, at least like 130. Killing pedestrians. At least 130. Oh, he's old, I guess. Yeah. Dude, Mike's so fucking sharp. So he's young?

He was young. He was young. He was young. But some time passed. Yeah. Some time passed. But then the anti-J-Lo occurred. Missing tire.

He's younger than dead people, or is he older? Can't kill pedestrians with missing tires. It depends, really. Do you get old when dying? Or? Fuck, dude. I'm just here to explain time to y'all. Okay, I have to tell this last one.

You can tell I wrote this while I was parking my car. Washington was named the top state by U.S. News despite being comprised entirely of bottoms. What up, bitch? I'm on Mean Boys. I couldn't deliver it without that last part.

Ironic detachment. Pull the lever. Gay-ass Washington. Donald Trump said in an interview that he doesn't like cryptocurrency. When asked for clarification, he said he just heard the word crip and assumed that meant black people money. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a rollicking Mexican joke off, guys. That was fun.

Yeah, we'll be right back right after this. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Yeah, Himalaya is the number good podcasting app on all of the websites. It's got the sleek, easy-to-use interface. It makes it very convenient to find your favorite show. Oh, hello. I am Mr. L, and I am here to tell you about Himalaya Podcasting App. First of all, why the fuck is this the first time you've ever said,

this is Mr. Ear, and I'm ear to tell you about? Why did you have to do an accent that was from a country that doesn't exist to get to that first thing you should have thought of pun? The country is the motherland, and the mother of sound is Himalaya. Let's steer away from motherland. Yeah, Himalaya is a free podcasting app, unaffiliated with any pro-white organizations.

And you can download it with the link in the show notes. It's not pro-white, it's pro-mother. Himalaya has no knowledge or wants no part of this riff. I gotta figure Himalaya stands by the mothers of America. Yeah, it'd be pretty weird if a business didn't. Well, they might stand by mothers, figure Himalaya stands by the mothers of America. It'd be pretty weird if a business didn't.

Well, they might stand by mothers, but Himalaya is the big daddy of the podcasting app community. Oh, yeah. Yep. They have a playlist function. You can like and comment on your favorite shows. More places to interact, get into arguments, accrue social points to tell your coworkers that you're a meaningless job. I got six likes on my Burtcast quip.

Look at the hearts that define me. You can leave comments in communist English. Communist English? You mean Twitter? Mr. Ear here does not know how to do accents but the point is we're here to tell you how great Hebele is. Yep, just we. Mr. Ear does not know how to do accents. But the point is, we're here to tell you how great Hebele is.

Yep, just we. Mr. Ear and his pals. Mr. Ear and the rats. And his two sidekicks, the dudes who were German up until a minute ago. Mr. Ear and the lobes. Yes. We are playing this Saturday. It would be great if you could come.

Indeed, we both play this since. I have been flaring the streets and shining my keytar. It is loud, but not enjoyable. Oh, sausages. It is about the show you're not paying $20 for. Indeed, it is not good to listen to, like, the podcast on Himalaya. Yeah, you can leave tips.

You can create a playlist. Yeah, a little jar of... Here is a tip, abandon hope. Yeah. Yeah, so check out the Himalaya app. I think we've told you everything you need to know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns,

and it's time to answer your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. That's our jingle. Thank you, Andrew. Hillary.

Yeah, jingling. Yep. Like fucking keys, bitch. I don't think we've gone one episode without thanking for the jingle and then uncomfortably realizing that was too professional. Yeah, jangling. Yep. Noise. We're going toling. Yep. Noise. We're going to add the song in post.

We do have a... This is still scary, even with that in mind. And now it looks like Mike is hiding in my jackets from whatever Tom is doing. You look, ironically, like E.T. in the closet full of stuffed animals. Tell me when the man leaves. There's a man in here?

That's new. I see two boys and some sort of ape. I really have like a sound monkey or something. Sound monkey. Tom Goss, sound monkey. Ramsey hasn't been the producer for years. Roasted. If you need some tips, call Toby for some.

Anyway. All right, guys. This guy wants to know if I prefer the Yeezy 700 OG or the V2. Of course, the OG, specifically the Wave Runner colorway. I don't like the 3M lines on the V2, and I think the tongue doesn't look as good. I like a tongue that sticks up out behind the laces a little more. Now that we got the important business out of the way,

this guy wants to know, what is the number one thing someone can do that instantly tells you that you're never going to get along? When they talk about the difference between yeezys, I usually get confused. Whoa.

Like me? What? No. I don't know. I guess I've got red flags like anybody. Girl asked me, this is like a hacky one, but it's

true. A girl asked me my astrological information. I a hacky one but it's like it's true like a girl asked me my astrological information i'm like and i've checked out of it you know what i mean like that's a uh it's a pretty big like just i'm out uh people who are like too invasive of personal space too quickly is a big uh big one for me where i'm just like uh you know which happens all i think in comedy because people feel like if they watch you do comedy, they're like, oh, we're all bros now. So it's like the guy's like hugging on you and grabbing you. I'm like, all right, fucking cool it out. Yeah.

So one of the my favorite reason I've not had sex with someone is because they know way too much about Pizzagate. And I was like, this is a bad move. If they're Puerto Rican. Yeah. I don't seem to like you either. You know, this is a weird thing that I noticed. If they have too many seconds,

if there's too much time in between blinks, I know I'm not going to get along with them. There's some people that they just stay with their eyes wide open while they talk to you. And I just want to blow wind in their face just so they can blink. Oh, thank you. Sorry.

What are you looking at, homie? It's a very small thing, in their face just so they can blink. Oh, thank you. Sorry. What are you looking at, homie? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a very small thing, but I know I get along with people who don't blink at a normal That's going to make me so self-conscious every time I talk to you. No, you look amazing. I know you have your blinkies. No, you're too much, which is good. That means you're transparent.

Yeah, yeah. Is that like a poker towel if someone's real blinking? I don't know what it is, man. I just don't trust people that stay with their eyes wide open. It's like, what are you doing? It's like, you know, I don't want to miss anything. It's that kind of shit. It's scary.

It's Manchurian candidate-ish, Stepford Wive-ish. Yeah, yeah. I don't like that look. There's a staring contest. We seem to be interrupting. What if I stare at you with my eyes closed? He's over there, Tom. I can hear his giggles.

I know. Be even six inches off. It doesn't matter. My eyes are closed. I don't get along with blind people, so Tom, no. I forgot. Blind people are what I call sound monkeys. This is cool.

We're going to cancel Mike Menendez today. We didn't even do anything wrong. Mike Menendez today We didn't even do anything wrong Mike Menendez was never on the air I Any sort of Any sort of passive aggressiveness Especially if it's coming from Any sort of alpha

Fucking thinking passive aggressive Fucking I know immediately that I The second I see it I'm immediately that I I've just the second I see them just like I'm just trying not to punch the guy I'm not passive I'm aggressive aggressive right yeah possibly confused Tom has an issue with you it becomes evident yeah no I'm pretty I'm pretty fucking up a pretty a very clear when I'm annoyed by so I've got a rough road to hoe because I'm very

stupid but I hate being condescended to hoe because I'm very stupid, but I hate being condescended to. You know what I mean? Like, anytime I get any of the fucking well, what you want, I'm like, even if it's just like, oh, your shitty personality, that's just kind of how you sound. I'm like, I fucking... Yeah, no, that's the worst.

Anyone that orders a Moscow Mule, I know I'm not going to go. Oh, that is the official drink of the difficult person. I like Moscow Mules. Give me your cheapest liquors and your most expensive cup. Yeah, and you guys have had great chemistry thus far with you shouting lying opinions at him. Yeah, the Moscow mule is just you saying, hey, everyone else at the bar, you can wait.

It's true, and I don't like it. If you're going to buy a drink, why not get one that requires effort? I would put whiskey in a cup. I would give any of those. Put it in my mouth. Put it in a cup. I'd love to give any of those motherfuckers a blind taste test with a fucking tin cup and a copper cup. And I'd give them a billion dollars if they could.

There's no way you can appreciate the oxidization of the shit or anything. I don't give a fuck about the cup. I just like ginger beer. That's like a whole thing with the Moscow Mule. Right, but I'm not thinking about that. If I'm drinking Moscow Mule, I'm already drunk. I just want liquor.

Fair point. That's like a bad drink to get trashed on because it's expensive and performative. Right, that's why you get other people to buy your drinks. Be the hot dude at the bar. Or win a taco eating contest, I guess. Yeah, you eat enough tacos.

Tom has had this fucking high school football glory days just reminiscing about his taco eating contest victory. I'm sure there's a bar in Chernobyl that is the hottest guy. I ate 31 tacos in 15 minutes. You know what they say, the radiation level is below five somewhere. Whoa, your nose is nowhere near your belly button. You're hot. That one Mexican woman in Chernobyl. I'm actually good at voices.

I'm just doing it. Welcome to Toby Pietracova's I Miss This Bar and Grill. My friend, you're the only person here that does not look like a Picasso painting. I have friends in mass graves. No, in any city... Can you sleep with my wife as I finger my asshole slash eye? He's a mutant anaconda.

Anyway, that's my point. That's where Tom's really hot. Let me poke my look butt. Well, I'm just picturing that guy shitting with his head in the toilet. Basically, you're saying if I call... They call it

the chocolate monocle. He's at his daughter's graduation and just a little diarrhea is coming out of his eye. Some people are going to be impressed. He's wearing sunglasses

and you just see it drip down and you're like, oh, that's beautiful. I really love her. I'm so proud. Yeah, Chernobyl was cool was cool yeah you really wowed fucking lila from futurama's parents with your uh with how fat you were it was so cool at rat top ass without giving any context what's your favorite thing you have ever said

the phrase can't give any context behind it fuck uh uh shirts versus skins from earlier probably uh stop trying to fuck my grandma you piece of shit you you said a really funny thing the other day we're talking about modern art uh we're at a tilly's talking about modern art we were at the van store talking about modern same thing shoe tillies and we're talking and i'm like well some modern art is just like they're just dots but the the part of the glory is that they could make something good and they make something bad. And your response was, yeah, sure. My girlfriend lives in Canada, which I thought was so fucking funny. Oh, mine, ironically, is from the room the other day.

That's what I call my wife. Someone said the word suggestion box. And I was like, that's what I call my wife. Someone said the word suggestion box. And I was like, that's what I call my wife. Everyone laughed for 15 seconds and Connor laughed for another I'm not exaggerating minute and a half. I for real could not be untickled

with myself. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. You losing your mind to your own joke. No, the other one, the other fucking dumb Ed O'Neill dad joke was when you guys were playing football, and you're like, there's a lot of holes in my offensive line. And I said, oh, so they're letting women play now? And again, I just patted myself in the back for 20 minutes. I don't know my favorite thing I've ever said.

I try not to listen to me too much. Yeah, it's probably a good move. It's exhausting. I said something last week that I liked, which was I'm always losing my Ralph's Rewards card, so I'm just going to get the barcode tattooed on the inside of my lip. Because I run bingo

at U-Rust again in Los Feliz for some extra money, and I'll just riff, and then I riff that shit the other day. I was like, oh, that's cool. That's fucking really funny. That'd be really sick. Like, what's that? Is that to like represent how we're all like fucking

like, you know, numbers in the big system larger than ourselves with no hope? But no, no, man. I mean, it's like fucking avocados are expensive. But...

Oh, and also today I was playing... But there's no context. You can't give context? I guess, I don't know. We give the context. Yeah, we broke the also today I was playing, but there's no context. You can't give context? I guess, I don't know. Give the context. Yeah, we broke the game. I was playing basketball.

I talk a lot of shit. I was talking to Tom about this. I talk a lot of shit when I play basketball. And this guy got fed up. He's like, why do you talk so much shit? And then I just said yelling to him, like, because my family didn't have free speech in Cuba, and I'm abusing the shit out of mine in the States. I'm doubling down.

Man, when someone goes geopolitical on Trash Talk, you're like, well, I got to stay away from this. Having a cheat day on human decency. Who do you hoop with? I'm trying to upgrade to a better basketball game. I'm really tired of just overpowering these dorks week after week. Getting injured one time. With my dominance on the rim.

You took three water breaks. Three water breaks before anyone made two baskets. I took more than that. I get very winded. It was me getting my ass kicked by a bunch of people that chain smoke. At one point you sat down, asked if you could have some of my water. I said yes. They go, how do you have more endurance than me? chain smoke. At one point, yeah, at one point you sat down, asked if you could have some of my water. I said yes. They go, how do you have

more endurance than me? You smoke. Yeah, yeah, she kind of said that. Yeah. You know, I think I said it. You silly bitch. No, I still love you more every day.

You one-footed hooper. All right. You said that to me in a cowboy saloon back in the day. They would have just shot you to death. I don't know why we had to get all racial about it, but it sounds like. Oh, here's one.

At Josh Mang1 says, any of you have a story about intervening in a public display of assholery? Ooh, okay. Somebody being a dick in public and you had to step in. Some real what would you do CBS type shit. Right. Yeah, I try to stop these guys for raping this girl they stopped on my head for a while oh yeah yeah we can end right there i don't know no one else needs to answer that question anyway i'm on twitter yeah i gotta follow spider-man over

here yeah it's a mike memendez too uh yeah so what that was that was yeah you often you often like to say that was i'm still mad about that to say that was around the time I got my head kicked in. Yeah. So what went down exactly? It was an impressionable time. What? Tell the story you just said. It's a long story.

It gets in a lot of details over many years, but that's a short version. Was this the same party where you puked out the fireplace? No, that was where I stole a broom. Okay. I really hope you said ta-da after you did that, though. Well, I tried to steal a broom. The whole family was waiting for me at the front door because I knew I was going to try to steal the broom. Why did you need a broom?

I went to a Halloween party. I was trying to marry a slave. I went to a Halloween. Sweeping. I was trying to marry a slave. I went to a Halloween party. Didn't have a costume, so I became guy with broom. Okay. And then me and my friend swept a beer pong, and then the broom became the thing I used to keep standing, because I was very wasted. Like a cane.

Yes. All right. Yeah. And then I went to the bathroom with the broom, and that's where the family goes, I think he's going to try to steal our broom. And so, like, three people pried the broom out of my hand, and then I threw up in my friend's girlfriend's car.

I also went out. This is a baby shower I was not invited to. I guess I did one. I don't know if it was assholery, but this is the only thing I could think of. It was one time when I was, like, 13 or 14 14 i would just go walk around my neighborhood you know like i was just like trying i would go like walk to borders and like look at books because like there's fucking no culture in chino i was just like i need to go be stimulated by something outside of this cul-de-sac

right and i was going out walking and uh there was this maybe 8, 9, 10-year-old girl with Down syndrome that was just out and about. And you were checking out her ass. No, I did check out a girl with Down syndrome's ass at the grocery store a few months ago, and then she turned around, and I was like, oh, penis. Come on, you. I think I have a good one. You knew there were too many fucking stains on those sweatpants.

And I was like, shit, i don't know what to find i was like well hey what are where are you going and she i don't really remember anything she said but it was and uh so i had to like i was trying to get her to tell me where she lived like and try to find her house and i'd like called the cops and i was kind of waiting for like let's hang out here and then then she'd go run and chase a butterfly and I'd have to go wrangle her. But I'm like, I'm not going to tackle this. I'm just trying to be like, hey, let's come.

I was trying to entertain her and just keep her in the same vicinity. And she's like, I think over there or maybe over there or over there. I don't know. I like oranges. And it was just like... And anyway, the cops show up and they start taking some of her information. Around this time, her dad finds her. and anyway like the cops show up and they start like taking like some of her information around this time her dad like finds her and then the cops just like they're like oh yeah well you got it

just you take her and i'm like is this maybe do we maybe want to do something about how that she just i don't want to say escaped because that's rude but like just got out unattended and uh i was like i don't know but it was also awkward to say it in front of the dad, so I just left. I had to chase a pedophile out of a bathroom at Disneyland once. Does that count? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, he was in there. I was cleaning the tables at the restaurant I worked at, and this lady comes up and is like, hey, there's some guy in the girl's

bathroom just looking under stalls or whatever, being a creep. So I had to go in there and basically I walked in and I was like, hey, man. He just goes, blah! And he just runs like a fucking fox that got cut and then you shoot him with a broom yeah it felt like that get out of here you crazy yeah yeah but uh that's about it what did anything happen to him or did he just i just kind of just i we call it security i assume they found him okay yeah how about you

mike and then he turned that puppet into a real boy. And then a real man. Yeah. I've worked in bars a good amount. Oh, yeah, tell another lie. I know they keep going. I've worked in bars for a good amount of time in my 20s. So I've intervened too many times in asshole. But I will say that one time there was this regular Nice guy but when he gets too fucked up

He turns into an asshole And one night he was particularly perturbed And I got him out of there because they were 86ing A bunch of people left and right There had been too much misbehavior at that bar recently So I got him out and I drove him And he gave me this heartfelt story About how a family member of his had just been shot

Like a month or two ago And then I throw a show at that bar I throw a show at that bar story about how a family member of his had just been shot a month or two ago. Whatever. And then I throw a show at that bar. I throw a show at that bar. He's there that night and he puts his hand on me and he says, I'll never forget what you did for me and I'm gonna repay you one day. And then I started the show and he heckled every comedian.

He heckled every comedian. That rocks. Oh, fuck, dude. That's great. So I'm glad I didn't get him kicked out of the party. That's fucking hilarious. Painted sideways. Do you want to do one more? Yeah, let's do one more.

All right, cool. Let's see. Vamp while I get the Twitter back up. Okay. Mike, what do you got to plug, buddy? Instagram at Mike the Menendez. The color orange. The color orange. The color orange?

Lots of orange. Yeah, my notebook's orange and my shirt's orange. He has matching short notebook pants. All right, nice. He is, right? Yeah, he is. Yes, I do, Tom. What's your Twitter?

Yeah, we'll do more next week. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Mike, by the way, is one of my fucking favorite comedians. He's hilarious. He's fucking great, dude. Keep your NLA. Go see fucking Mike. You have any clips online or anything like that?

No, but I should be posting some soon enough. But I am performing around L.A. a lot the next couple months just because I'm here before I hopefully go on some touring. Oh, fuck yeah, man. So, yeah. Yeah, if you got any road dates, plug them. Someone went to see Opie at an open mic. You know, they'll come out. Jesus Christ. You got fuck yeah, man. So, yeah. Yeah, if you got any road dates, plug them. Someone went to see Opie at an open mic.

You know, they'll come out. Jesus Christ. You got fans. Yeah. Are you going back out to Florida anytime soon? We got a lot of people out there. Hopefully in September

I'll be back down in Miami, but it's not sure yet. Just stay tuned to my Instagram at MikeTheMenendez and post all the dates there. Follow the man. He's fucking great, dude. And thanks for coming on, man.

This was a lot of fun. This was a blast, man. I love you guys. I'm really glad that you guys do this. This was a fun episode. All right. We'll catch you fucking great, dude. Thanks for coming on. This was a lot of fun. I love you guys. I'm really glad that you guys do. This was a fun episode. All right. We'll catch you next time, kids.