Mean Boys - EP 204 - Simple Country Lawyers (feat. Jace Avery)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey! What's going on? It's me, Whiskey McSpad. Ah, fuck, you got me into the podcast. You got me arm around you too much. I've been seeing you forever, man. Red smells like vodka fumes. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast.

Starting point is 00:00:18 Man, we had such a fun time hanging out with Jay Savory on this show. It was a zany fucking episode. We go all over the place. I'd like to just preeminently uh disav is that a word disavow yeah preeminently i don't think it's that's not what pream the preeminent mean doesn't do prematurely not prematurely uh preemptively preemptively yeah i'd like to do that about with a diss uh to all the remarks made on the show yeah maybe our most cancelable hour of content.

Starting point is 00:00:45 It's an offensive episode. Yeah. I don't see why anyone in the Viacom Corporation would need to know about any of this.

Starting point is 00:00:52 I think this could stay just between us cool guys over here on the internet. We'd like to apologize. I don't want to spoil it.

Starting point is 00:00:59 You'll see. Yeah, we had a lot of fun. Jay's a great guy. Check out his podcast, Brain Jail. Yeah, it's a great show with Kevin Tinkin and Ben Avery, his brother and other man.

Starting point is 00:01:10 And it's a very funny show. Other man. Brother and other man. Yeah. I always liked my girlfriend in high school. Her dad had a new girlfriend in Mexican. In Mexican. In Spanish.

Starting point is 00:01:21 It's going to be Sancha. It means other woman. Right. That's perfect. It just means you're other woman. Yeah. And it's got this nice, Sancho means other woman. Right. That's perfect. It just means you're other woman. Yeah. And it's got this nice, salty, Sancho.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Yeah. It's side piece, but it also sounds like something like off menu at a taco shop. Exactly. Yeah. So fucking check that out. Tom is gearing up to record

Starting point is 00:01:37 his debut stand-up comedy album. Yeah. I couldn't be more excited. You guys got to fucking get out to this show. And he's also hitting the road to get ready for the big night. Tom, tell them where you're going to be. All right. He wants to do the bit where we interrupt you and it takes 20 minutes.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Oh, of course. Las Vegas, July 27th. I will be at the Phil Factor, the L.A. Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Oh, classic Vegas. There's something in the water. Am I doing it right? Just like in a rat pack. The pizza rat pack.

Starting point is 00:02:11 The next day, July 28th, I will be at the Republic Ultra Lounge in Fresno. No, I was wrong. That was my silly. It's in Fresno, California. Ay, ay, ay. That's the Fresno riff. Ay, ay, ay. I'm rotating the Fresno riff. Ay-yi-yi. I'm rotating the accents.

Starting point is 00:02:27 I'm going to go around the world. We're doing a global fucking expedition. A hot couple skibbity days later, I'm at the hotel. Shut up. Who the fuck do you think you are, me? A hot couple skibbity days. I'm going to have a hot cup of skibba week. I'll be footalicious at the Hotel Vegas on August 4th in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:02:47 I know it says Vegas, but it's in Austin, Texas. Gong sound. August 4th. My favorite accent. Gong sound. And that will be with. Yeah, that's one of them. Keith Ray.

Starting point is 00:02:59 Keith Ray will be featuring. And I'm very excited to see what he brings to. I'll be traveling to the show on a blimp made of loose garbage cans. Look, if you live in Texas- I'll sew together the various cats that have died on my property. What I've done- I'll fashion them into a dirigula-ga-doo. I've trained 150 squirrels to carry me underfoot, floating like Magneto escaping from his plastic prison.

Starting point is 00:03:24 They're acting like a kind of- like a sentient roller skate beneath my feet. Remember in that movie, Three Hunty, when they lift that guy up on the platform like that, but squirrels. Their strength's proportionate to their size, like Spider-Man. Here's the thing. If you live in Texas, you've been to Austin. You know how Austin usually is. And I thought, wow, what would be funnier than seeing Keith Ray crush in front of these people who have no idea what is about to hit up?

Starting point is 00:03:48 I want to keep Austin weird. Yeah. I get fucking weird. You guys should be coming a sex worker at a gay bar. Yeah. You guys should come to that show alone to see the rest of Austin react to Keith Ray. And pitching it like a carnival. See the freak.

Starting point is 00:04:05 It's so fucking funny. He's so fucking funny. He's so fucking funny. He's great, man. He's the comedic equivalent of a guy who bites the head off a chick. No, that guy is approachable. That guy has like an autograph. A couple days later, Tuesday, August 6th, at the Library Bar in Galveston, Texas, I will be with Keith Ray in his atmosphere in Galveston.

Starting point is 00:04:27 Galveston, by the way, one of my favorite places. I loved it. If you're in Texas and you never made the trip, go on a little vacay. It's great. I told people in Austin, I fucking really like Galveston. I think it's my favorite place. They were like, it's not that place. I'm like, oh, fuck yourself.

Starting point is 00:04:40 That place rules. It's like Malibu with white trash people. Yeah. It feels like they killed the rich and reclaimed it. Now, by the way, this pitch probably only applies to you if you are white. So I would definitely exercise discretion. Hold up a paint swatch first and see how you land. Endorsement of Galveston, I think.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Anybody darker than Tom, see you in Austin. Yeah. And then August 9th, this is a new one. If you're in Arizona going, why don't you come out and see me? Classic Arizona voice. Oh, this is how we speak in Arizona. August 9th,

Starting point is 00:05:16 I will be at Chuckleheads in Bisbee, Arizona with Olivia Grace. She's been on a show back 170 episodes ago she was on this show. More than that. Very, very funny friend of mine. The post on there is on that Tom jokes you.

Starting point is 00:05:34 So come on out to. I forgot I was doing plugs around the world. Yeah. Yeah. Come on out to that. And, of course, August 17th, North Bar, Chicago. North Bar. Keith Carey.

Starting point is 00:05:50 Connor McSpadden. Kyle Clark. And this dude. And myself. I'll be recording the album. Sure. Tight. Connor and Keith are busy being all corporate boys now.

Starting point is 00:06:06 And so we won't have many chances to do mean boy shit. But this is one of the few that we know we will be able to do. Yeah, if you want to see the third and last comedy performance of the year. Yeah. We're flying out one night only to support our boy. Yeah, and I fucking love you guys for it. I really appreciate it. Yeah, come hang out.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Come to that if you're anywhere nearby. Speaking of corporate boys, I guess we should talk about this because by the time it comes out, it'll be on. Yeah. Lights Out with David Spade premieres July 29th. Yeah, yeah. Monday is the first episode. We've been writing on it.

Starting point is 00:06:38 We're really fucking stoked on it. I think it's a good show. Watch it, man. Yeah. I fucking, yeah, you got to get a Nielsen box. it's a good show. Watch it, man. I fucking, yeah, you gotta get a Nielsen box. Yeah. And I could say this, I can't confirm I can't confirm it a thousand

Starting point is 00:06:51 percent, but if everything goes according to plan there are at least a few Mean Boys Easter eggs hidden in the first couple weeks of shows. Yeah, there's a few. And the first whoever tweets at me that they found them, I'll give you some sort of something. What if I tweet it? Well, honestly, I don't you some sort of something. What if I tweet it? Well, honestly, I don't think you'll find him.

Starting point is 00:07:10 Yeah, honestly, I have to find someone with the television. I just gave a fake look into the camera and say, hello, Tom Gott. That's a great David Spade impression. Hello, Tom Gott. It's me, David Spade. I'm Andy Dick. I was with Chris Farley on SNL. Tommy Boy was pretty good. Gap Girls Baby.

Starting point is 00:07:33 David Spade. Maybe David Spade. If you see a trucker hat by the side of the road, it means pull over. David Spade. Anyway, watch the fucking show. I'm going to have to find someone who has a television in their window so I can enjoy the show from somewhere. You have to watch TV the way

Starting point is 00:07:53 homeless people in cartoons eat pies. You have to pretend to buy a TV at Walmart at 11.30pm and see if they get your favorite channel. I'm going to be the first peeping Tom that just is trying to watch television. Peeping literal Tom. Yeah, literal peeping.

Starting point is 00:08:07 It's a fat, supple ass out of the way. Yeah, yeah. I want to watch. Stop getting naked and watch me watch my friend's thing. Yeah, Monday through Thursday, every day after the Daily Show, 11.30 p.m. You don't have to watch the Daily Show, but watch. It would help us if you didn't. Does that mean I'm saying you shouldn't?

Starting point is 00:08:26 No. We would never say such a thing. I'll say it. I actually don't even know if we would. Probably wouldn't. I don't know. We're team players. You know what?

Starting point is 00:08:34 If there's nobody watching The Daily Show, they said, yeah, we track those specific televisions. And they waited until 1129 and 29 seconds. I'll say this. Because I'm a good friend, I promise to you guys, I will never watch The Daily Show. There you go. Why break the perfect streak? Okay, what day is it on? You know what?

Starting point is 00:08:54 In fact, I've been doing this. The Daily Show is not a YouTube documentary about a Nine Inch Nails album, so I wasn't really worried about it. And I don't think Trevor and I will appear in such a podcast. For several years now, actually my entire life, I have been boycotting The Daily Show for you two specifically.

Starting point is 00:09:09 By accident. Yeah. Tom understands the moving and shaking and he's like, there's going to be a show and there'll be an opening for the guys.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Yeah. I've got to fertilize the ground for their careers to grow. Right. So I'm not going to watch The Daily Show in 2000.

Starting point is 00:09:23 I will boycott that black man. I will get my John Carey interviews elsewhere. Wait, is it Daily Show Trevor Noah? Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:33 Oh, okay. I was like, oh, did I just say it? Okay. I love you guys. At the Daily Show. Yeah. What up, Trevor?

Starting point is 00:09:41 The whole staff, all you guys. Tom just sends you, and so do I, Mike. Thanks for being our lead-in, guys. Yeah. We're team players. Yeah, make some room with the Viacom teat for us. Yeah, I was just joshing earlier when I said all that stuff.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Yeah. All right, so anyway, Jace Avery is on the show. Hey, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. As a depressed optimist, I view the world as gun half full. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Gary. I'm Connor McSpat half full. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Gary. I'm Connor McSpatten. And I'm Jake.

Starting point is 00:10:28 Adult Captain Underpants. You are not Jake Savory today. Your stepdad underpants. You have just the most babyish, like your face looks like a baby's ass. And it's like your face should be in Pampers diapers to sell them, to move product. Captain Underpants is an adult. He's not a baby that grows magically larger. He's an adult who looks like a baby. He's not a six-foot baby

Starting point is 00:10:52 that fights crime. He looks like a baby. He's funny-looking. He's just bald. He takes his toupee off, and then he's Captain Underpants. Maybe he's 17, but I kind of doubt it considering he's a full-blown bald guy with the ability to leap from...

Starting point is 00:11:12 I don't remember. Captain Underpants is jailbait. I mean, he's shaped like an egg. That's a baby. That's a big baby. Grown-ups are shaped like eggs. I'm shaped like an egg. Yeah, you look like a grown-up Muppet baby.

Starting point is 00:11:23 A Muppet, you mean? If you shaved me nude and put a cape on me, I would look like Captain Underpants. I swear. No, shaped like an egg. Yeah, you look like a grown-up Muppet baby. A Muppet, you mean? If you shaved me nude and put a cape on me, I would look like Captain Underpants. No, you'd see dark. Captain Underpants is very pale. Jace is Captain Underpants colored. You've got the same complexion as Captain Underpants. I'm like Captain

Starting point is 00:11:37 Underpants, but he's in Mussolini's arms. Guido Underpants. Papa me! I'm gonna head over to the Captain Underpants Wiki and we're gonna I was debating doing the same thing I always thought it was right You should have because you made a fool of yourself I thought it was a giant baby

Starting point is 00:11:55 Oh I'm sorry I don't know the deep cuts of the Captain Underpants Deep cuts the basic Fucking facts about this man's life A guy that protects the city On your behalf So you thought it was a 6 foot tall magic baby I'm sorry I misrepresented all these facts about this man's life. A guy that protects the city on your behalf. So you thought it was a six foot tall magic baby? I'm sorry, I misrepresented all the stuff you've read.

Starting point is 00:12:10 Well, yes, that's what he thought. I mean, he's the principal of the school. Alright, well, let's look at Captain Underpants. He does not look like Captain Underpants. Okay, alright, let's see. He's a superhero. His alignment is good. It's chaotic neutral.

Starting point is 00:12:27 Yeah. He is his alter ego, Benjamin Krupp. Yeah. Yeah. Some men just want to watch the underpants. Does that sound like the name of a baby to you, Tom Goss? Even if he is full grown, he was a baby at some point. So you're watching retarded.

Starting point is 00:12:42 Let's read on. Every name is the name of a baby all right uh let's see captain underpants is originally superhero blah blah blah this might be the stupidest thing we've researched on air i'm adamant i don't say that lightly yes we have a podcast for babies yeah welcome back to the goo goo gaga key jingling hour. Oh, okay. So basically, after two kids hypnotized their principal, they decided to have a little fun and goof around with a hypno ring. They hypnotized Mr. Krupp into thinking he is a chicken,

Starting point is 00:13:17 then a monkey, then Captain Underpants. Unfortunately for them, Mr. Krupp thinks he truly is Captain Underpants and jumps out of the window to fight crime. His first stop is at a bank. Two robbers are paralyzed with laughter upon seeing him and are promptly arrested. Captain Underpants also irritates a police officer who tries to arrest him, but is saved by George and Harold. The three also witness two

Starting point is 00:13:33 large robbers, two robots stealing a large crystal. What? Captain Underpants is shot by the police. Really? He should get canceled for just flashing everybody's neck. Well, yeah, he has a man in his underwear Who just hangs out with two children He's like watch me jump you little asshole

Starting point is 00:13:50 Donald Krupp or whatever his name is Maybe he's a man but that Underwear guy's a baby That thing looks like a baby Well Tom just because the school you went to Had a baby for a principal Doesn't mean Doesn't mean that that's a common thing.

Starting point is 00:14:07 You wanted to see me principal shit pants? I always assumed he was a baby. Because he looks like a fucking baby. And you thought wrong. Well, look at anything for scale in the covers of the books, which were plentiful in your childhood. You are three days younger than me. We get the same exact exposure to Captain Underpants.

Starting point is 00:14:24 I'm three days older than you. Oh, there you go. Sure, yeah. You young fuck. And it really shows, yeah. Yeah. Maturity level. I made a riff and then Connor screamed about the accuracy of Captain Underpants for ten minutes.

Starting point is 00:14:39 I didn't scream. I politely and correctly told you you were wrong. I don't know. I don't like to be on a podcast attached to a bunch of frivolous lies. Yeah, I'm sorry. I disparage the accuracy of the underwear superhero comic book thread that no longer exists. Captain Well, actually. Yeah, what'd you get?

Starting point is 00:15:01 Are we okay? Oh, I'm great. Do I start a fight every time I come on here? I know. We finally get to do it for a real episode. That is the episode where Connor and Tom throw hands over Captain fucking underpants. Yeah, me and Kevin Tinkin almost got in a fight over a day over a We Didn't Start the Fire parody we were writing. And it was really, I'm like, I don't think that line

Starting point is 00:15:26 sounds right. He's like, I will fucking fight you right now. What's amazing is I've had to have a meeting with Tom about a We Didn't Start the Fire parody. Right, but is this one too mean? I don't know. We've got to level it out. And I did my dumb dog thing where he goes, no, it's fine. That's all I am.

Starting point is 00:15:42 Go ahead. Go for it. Someone has to have a sense of humor about themselves on the fucking show. Wait, what? I'm calling you a spoiled cunt. Oh, okay. I'm not mad. Like, I'm not...

Starting point is 00:15:55 No, I didn't think you were. Okay, all right. I'm just pointing out. Just pointing it out. That's it. Go ahead. Do your thing. Okay.

Starting point is 00:16:03 Oh, the dog bit back. Anyway, Jace, it's great having you here. I'm sorry we're calling you a dog that dances for our amusement. I was just trying to make it so ridiculously mean what I was getting at. You're so clever.

Starting point is 00:16:18 You're so fucking clever. Oh my god. Look, I'm sorry, man. Jace Avery's man. We're good. We're good. Jay Savory's here. Glad to be on the podcast, everybody. Very funny comedian. I wanted to talk about my drawings. So, yeah, you have a podcast?

Starting point is 00:16:35 Yeah. Do you want to just play one of my apps into the mic? Call in and Jay. Yeah, sure. We don't have to be dropping it. We can hold the phone to the microphone. Oh, man. Oh, man. Thanks for coming

Starting point is 00:16:49 to the couples therapy. I'm just kidding, man. Yeah, you guys are good, right? No, I fucking love Connor. I'm just giving some shit back. We're going to have a conversation. No, yeah. We all have bits

Starting point is 00:17:02 that go too far, you know? Yeah. I was not really like her i just like dude i kind of was tired of the captain underpants bit i didn't really know what to do with it i i'm gonna level with you i hate doing this podcast it's become a true obligation no one's making you know i know you know you gotta you gotta give the people what they want you know uh and that's fights on air. I no longer know or care what that is, so I've been doing whatever it is I do on the show for a number of months.

Starting point is 00:17:31 Let me call Tim Dillon. Let's get him down here. He'll fix us. That energy is really good. Listen, you're both losers. I have $40. What do you get? You've got to find like a...

Starting point is 00:17:41 He breaks a pool cue in half. Let's see which dog Bites the hardest Tim Dillon Joker Is very funny I'll go pick up a bunch of Grapes for him to eat You wanna know how I got these stretch marks

Starting point is 00:17:51 I really Is that really He should do a shoot With just him being fed Grapes By your brother Ben I think that would You know

Starting point is 00:17:59 Just dressed as like A Roman boy slave Because that's Yeah that is a good look For Ben honestly Ben doesn't realize That gay guys Want to fuck him All the time He's got Andy Dick's Phone number now as like a Roman boy slave because that's Yeah, that is a good look for Ben, honestly. Ben doesn't realize that gay guys want to fuck him all the time.

Starting point is 00:18:07 He's got Andy Dick's phone number now. He hung out with Andy Dick. And I was like, and I was like, don't talk to Andy Dick. He will fuck you. He's like, no, he likes me.

Starting point is 00:18:16 I'm like, he's trying to fuck you. 100,000%. Yeah, you're 6'3", you weigh 170. You're a supple young man. Knock it off. I fucked my brother. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:24 Well, I mean, now you're bigger. Right young man. Knock it off. I fucked my brother. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're bigger. Right, exactly. What are you going to do? That's how you establish dominance in the relationship. Is he in shape? I can never tell. He's just skinny. He has no muscle.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Gotcha, gotcha. But I mean, he's definitely beating me, which is not great. He's got a nice mustache. He's got a good face. Yeah. I mean, he dresses confidently in a way that suggests well this guy must know what he's doing right well the thing is he's very autistic and people mistake that for confidence because he's attractive sure if he was ugly if he if he was ugly people be like

Starting point is 00:18:57 oh this guy sucks and should kill himself man being hot is such a get out of jail i know it's the old it's the i used to be hot like for a second like of jail freak. I know. It's the best. I used to be hot for a second when I was 21, 20. Can we see some photos of hot era J's? I think I have some old ones. I got to pull it up. You're an unattractive dude now. Oh, thanks, man.

Starting point is 00:19:17 I don't think so either. You want to fight? We're about to end. This is a hot baby. You got like a... You just fucking crushed through the floor, man. Not my sleeping girlfriend. He a you need to fuck crush through the floor of my sleeping girlfriend he said he wants to fuck me

Starting point is 00:19:28 you got like husband face you know what I mean yeah I know exactly yeah yeah I've got decent enough to get Wade face plus I got the height yeah oh yeah

Starting point is 00:19:36 how tall are you I'm like 6'5 6'4 6'5 yeah that's good yeah yeah that's fine 280 which is a fine way to be that's completely normal

Starting point is 00:19:43 well I mean you're 6'5 so I mean mean, it's like spread out. Spread out pretty good. You just look kind of like, you know, I bet you feel safe, you know? Oh, yeah. Sitting with you, arms around me. I bet I'd feel secure. Just holding you.

Starting point is 00:19:57 Because you got like an inch and like 120 on me. Right. I would just be, ooh, enveloped, yeah. I'm standing up for you at the county fair I'm just like don't talk to him like that That's my wife Don't talk to my boy wife like that Boy wife

Starting point is 00:20:13 Yeah you have an Unproblematic stepdad face 100% Yeah and that's honestly my plan for life Because I just had a disastrous relationship After disaster I'm just going to be the great stepdad at like 38, marry a hot woman who's desperate to not just end up pouring alone.

Starting point is 00:20:30 Yeah, a 10 who's fucking gotten knocked off the mechanical pole a few times. Exactly. Of course, she cheats on me all the time, but I'm okay with that. Yeah, like whatever. She'll throw me an OTPHJ every once in a while. That's too many letters. Oh, okay. I don't want to over the pants hand job.

Starting point is 00:20:44 Sure. Well, that kind of tunes out. You have a tuned out you have a girlfriend you have a girlfriend you're saying no i i recently got out of a thing that was complicated i was dating a harvard lady was really smart okay and then that she couldn't figure out how to get the pants off and she brought in james cameron like a team of submarine people yeah oh man that's not that's i don't like this negative self-talk. Yeah, we're talking about it in therapy. It's okay.

Starting point is 00:21:08 I had a session earlier. I don't think you need a Titanic excavating submarine to get to your ass, man. I think two engineers top it. Figure it out. I know. A welder. Maybe an arch break. Still get it done by five.

Starting point is 00:21:19 Yeah. Maybe a can-do attitude and some patience. Some WD-40 and a little bit of stank. A little bit of good old-fashioned elbow grease. It requires torque and prayer. A couple of 1800s Chinese guys banging out on a day. Yeah, willing to die. With a pickaxe.

Starting point is 00:21:35 With a pickaxe. Willing to die. Good work, Wong. Wong me wang. It collapses immediately. The road to your dick is paved with dead Chinaman. Yeah. Can I have this hat?

Starting point is 00:21:47 It's a cool hat. Yeah, if anybody wants it, tell them now. Oh, you're dead. Not now. Yeah, I can eat out of this. No, no, no, no, no. Hat is a plate. Oh, like the pointy hats?

Starting point is 00:21:59 Yeah. Oh, yeah, rice hat. Can they eat out of those? I think they can if they want. I'm sure they could. Right. Yeah. But then I'd feel like you'd have like fucking sauce on your head.

Starting point is 00:22:09 Yeah, it wouldn't be a great combo. Why would they eat out of their hat? You'd be getting acne and shit, you know, to the walls. Do Chinese people get acne? You know, I've not noticed it really being super prevalent. I can't think of one. I've met some acne Koreans, but they're different. Oh, don't get me started. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:24 I've met, I knew a Filipina girl with acne. Filipina? Yeah, yeah. And I've actually known several Filipina people with acne. Thai people get a lot of acne. Interesting. And I'm fucking tired of it, honestly. Get your shit together, Thailand.

Starting point is 00:22:38 Let's get into it. Yeah. Yeah. We've gotten into a real domestic eugenic space. You know, this is really, this is not, we're not even talking sports or intellectual ability. Just like, who's got the best skin, guys? You know? I mean, it's kind of like we should be making the lampshades out of it.

Starting point is 00:22:55 I mean. I'm reading this book about this guy that, like, talks to, I'm listening to it. I'm not reading it. Like, he goes and meets with people that are labeled extremists, and he goes to this head of the KKK in the 90s that wants to rebrand as the friendlier KKK. He doesn't want people to say the N-word or anything. He's like, I'd like to have a good morning America,

Starting point is 00:23:15 but with KKK values. And that felt like what the panel discussion of the day would be. Which Asians have the best skit? Because, you know, today, which Asian is the smoothest? We talked to funny man John Caporello And Al Roker on the weather It's all coming up this morning On Hey Hey Hey with the KKK

Starting point is 00:23:34 I produced that And we're clear Go back to the coffee mug I have a big white hood with a like, a mic and headphones on. The Matt Lauer scandal there is just the main anchor to that he has a black friend. We didn't know. Yeah, we got, there's a fucking, it's pretty funny.

Starting point is 00:23:54 Like, he's, like, he just reads a bunch of self-help books and he, like, just, like, tries to, like, incorpore. So, like, we're going to take a personality test with just these fucking, like, guys, militiamen in the woods. I know David Duke tried to rebrand. If you've seen him recently, he's actually really hot for his age. He's like 60. He looks like I swear to God, 35.

Starting point is 00:24:14 He aged pretty well. He's going like Silver Fox mode. Not even Silver Fox. He looks better than that. He looks good. Yeah, he looks really good. And he's just like, yeah, I'm not with the KKK. Of course, white power and all. But, you know, not organized white power.

Starting point is 00:24:28 Man, I love that he keeps sticking around. Because he's been pulling that shit since the 70s. I thought he died in 1963. No, he's totally alive and kicking. What fucks with me is like blonde eyebrows. I just feel like nobody pulls off blonde eyebrows. You know? It's an untrustworthy brow you need like there needs to be it's like if it's like it's too close to the skin tone it's like we gotta know there's something you got an eyebrow you know and it's like it's at first glance your

Starting point is 00:24:56 just head looks a little blurry and it's like you kind of like you don't you need these little things to hang your facial recognition it's hard to emote with a blonde eyebrow. Right. You need to put on those big Latina eyebrows, like the big Mickey Mouse. Hi, papi. All right, and I'm going to put on my big hoops. They say, mommy. Yeah. White power.

Starting point is 00:25:14 I can't come by the accent. He's got white power hoops. He's Mexican? White power, papi. Yeah, there we go. I can jam all my accents in here now. I no soy the blacks. I was going to do it in Spanish, and then I realized I can't say what it is in Spanish.

Starting point is 00:25:31 Oh, your accents? So you're very... Right. I learned Spanish just to be racist. Every time I walk by a can of black beans in a fucking Mexican grocery store, I still get a little nervous. Why? Because it says frijoles Negros.

Starting point is 00:25:45 Oh, does it? I know it's pronounced Negros. But I just look around. I'm like, are we sure about this? Yeah, it's not great. It's the same as when the Top Ramen still has oriental flavor. Right. The fact that there's a country called Niger is very nerve-wracking. Yeah, it's like, eh.

Starting point is 00:25:56 In Africa. Yeah. A little on the nose. Yeah, come on. The wide nose. I'm sorry. Wow. Great.

Starting point is 00:26:04 Thank you for joining us on the podcast where we have jobs now. It's really nice of you to come in and go. All right. Tom hired me to get you guys fired. 15 minutes of getting into Mexican guy. I don't think anyone who could fire us would ever give a shit about this show. I know. I don't really think that.

Starting point is 00:26:19 Listen, we loved it when you drank piss for the basketball contest. We thought that was great. Yeah. Yeah. That was a big. We here at the Viacom family loved it when you drank piss for the basketball contest. We thought that was great. Yeah. Yeah, that was a big... We here at the Viacom family loved the enthusiasm you showed for slam dunkery. But the skull measuring stuff is... We're going in a non-caliber direction.

Starting point is 00:26:42 We'd like to move you to a project over on CMT, which we also own. We think you'd be a better fit. When you invented a flat brim hat that measured skull size, that was a little offensive. That's a hard bomb, and I'll own it. Is this racist lids? I don't even know.

Starting point is 00:27:00 I haven't even gotten to hat profiling. I obviously know sombrero or whatever, but flat brim is who's you're getting fitted for a hat and then it's just like oh seven and three quarters somebody's a jumper like that's the idea right it's a caliper built into the flat room hat fucking christ oh okay and the lids database right actually david duke is hacked in so he could find statistics for his newsletters. And he's like, well, look, they don't tell you the race of the customer. So we just had to assume that everyone that bought a Raiders hat is not white. We're going to consider that a reasonable metric. And Raiders hats predominantly.

Starting point is 00:27:38 If you see a white guy in a Raiders hat, that man is armed and dangerous. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's this little A i could tanaka this is a tiny petite asian woman used to wear a raiders hat and it was very fun it was just fun it was like that's fucking fun that was like that was a good and she's like i don't know what it is i like you get here i like the guy looks scary yeah she's very funny she called me thick on an airplane i was like i have lost some weight. Asian people will not

Starting point is 00:28:06 sugarcoat your fatness. They will rub your tummy and laugh at you for being fat. That's what they do with their God. They love me for being tall. They're like, you're a big, strong man. Good, number one.

Starting point is 00:28:20 Oh, are you finding that? Nice. Good. Yeah, we're finding out. Nice. Good. Yeah, let's go. Hey, anybody notice any, I don't know, I was going to say Canadian, but that can't get us in trouble. Right. Yeah, what is a... Well, you did tell me.

Starting point is 00:28:36 What is non-white Canada? Non-white Canada? Yeah, I mean, they have indigenous people up there. They're cool. Yeah. The French, right? No. No, they're like Native Americans and stuff. Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Starting point is 00:28:49 The French are still white. You just got to wash them off. Can we do racist jokes from the 1800s? That's what racist Jay says. He's like, I think we should respect the indigenous people of Canada, the French. That kicked the fucking natives out first. I didn't know Canada was originally called West France. You know, we used to have a little something called dibs

Starting point is 00:29:08 over here on the Western Hemisphere that we would respect. I refer you to the legal precedent of who touched it last. Yeah, yeah, we licked it. It's ours now. It was pretty funny, because when I hit you up about the joke-offs, you go, okay,

Starting point is 00:29:21 well, I prepared a gay Chinese character. Oh, really? I prepared. Well, no, I had this joke I wrote about a month ago that I could never do on stage. And I'm so bad at writing jokey jokes that I was like, what's the worst case scenario? And you thought, why not attach these men to it? Like Gandalf to the Balrog. I could drag you down into the pit of hell where I make my home.

Starting point is 00:29:48 Yeah, I'm an anchor that's never leaving. I'm here now. I'm taking over Isaac. It's great to have Jace Albatross circling the podcast as the water crests the fucking hull. Yeah. I'm a giant crow. It's a gay Chinese guy with this point.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Did you want to save it for the joke-off? Oh, I... Is he going to be... Did he prepare some material for us? No, no, no. It wasn't a character. It's just more of a... It's an actual bit I wrote for stand-up that I could never do.

Starting point is 00:30:13 Oh, we'll save it. We'll save it. You can do it here. Trust me. Well, you got to keep them listening, you know? We got to tease him, man. We got to tease him. We got to appetize him for the metaphor.

Starting point is 00:30:20 I realized it was actually for the jokes. I thought you were telling me to remember. Oh, no. You prepared a gay Chinese character to bring to the show. appetizer for the I realized it was actually for the jokes I thought you were telling me to remember oh no to bring to the show slightly more sophisticated all right well I do I do want you to know their podcast metadata shows us that our bosses stop listening

Starting point is 00:30:35 generally around 40 minutes in so I would like you to get it in now before it might not be you know Jeffrey Katzenberg is listening right now i mean is this did you just make up a guy that sounds like he's powerful no i think katzenberg's really yeah he's a really guy yeah okay but it is funny every powerful guy in showbiz sounds like a man you're that jeff i'm innocent i didn't know who you are no problem no problem

Starting point is 00:31:00 i wasn't on that plane isn't he supposedly supposedly sort of like the ringleader of Epstein? Oh, yeah. I mean, he has connections to – I don't want to get into this because this is a 45-minute tangent. But if you watch an open – I don't want to focus on Asian voices. We've got to keep it canon. If you watch An Open Secret, which is a documentary about known pedophile rings in Hollywood, like Bryan Singer, Mark's Colin Rector, all these guys.

Starting point is 00:31:26 Jeffrey Katzenberg funded all... Colin Rector? Colin killed her! No one will ever know that I started a child pedophile ring. Yeah, that is the Captain Underpants make a name of pedophiles. My satanic boy sex cabal

Starting point is 00:31:42 will be safe in the hands of Colin Rector. And I will insist on going by all three names, which is great. And he looks like a gay Terminator. He looks like a gay robot. It's bad to get raped when you're a kid. Fucking blur. I'll be back. Mark Rector's already bad.

Starting point is 00:32:00 And Rector barely knew her. It's right fucking there. I was holding that in, yeah. Through Colin in there yeah anyway he's a child rapist who's uh i think free in europe right now he's like worth like 80 million dollars jesus christ he moved there with like his 16 year old boyfriend um so if you watch an open secret you can figure out about all these guys and they have ties to like the david geffen um jeffrey katzenberg like all these and i talk about this on podcast as much as possible to make sure

Starting point is 00:32:25 I never have a job and this is this is a buddy of yours yeah this is my good my homie David yeah this makes me like wonder what's the best

Starting point is 00:32:34 kind of like evil guy to be an Ava Braun to you know it's cause I'm like a 16 year old boyfriend to a Hollywood pedophile cult leader

Starting point is 00:32:41 it's like well first of all how much do you fucking like wine if you're going to go to France and live with this guy? How big of a cheese nerd can you be at 16? Do you want to meet Hillary that bad?

Starting point is 00:32:53 Yeah, you should be drinking fucking your mom's cooking sherry and eating a Little Caesars with your buddies over Xbox games. This guy's like, I need French linens and thread counts and Rivieras. And it's like, how bougie can you get at such a precocious age? It's very strange. To be 16 and already be like, I'm really burned out on America. I need to go unwind and recharge and hurry. I know, but the thing about being the evil person, it's like, well, I mean, you got to

Starting point is 00:33:19 think, who's the least likely to get wrecked? And up until recently, it was Hollywood pedophile. You know what I mean? That's a pretty... Those guys have been... They've been fucking driving the stolen car for a while now. So that seems like if I was going to be a sugar baby, I'm trying to... Oh, you're trying to play it safe.

Starting point is 00:33:35 Yeah. Well, yeah. What would you be like to fucking decide peace to? If I had to decide peace to a pedophile? Venezuela dictator? Do you go like fucking evil CEO? Ooh, that's a good move. I get to be woke.

Starting point is 00:33:49 I'm a Democrat. You know, I get to hang out with cool people. She worked her way up to partner. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. That's impressive. Right. Apparently there's reports that, like, they're going to release, like, these thousands of

Starting point is 00:33:58 pages of Epstein documents linking, like, hundreds of politicians and, like, actors and directors to it. But I doubt somebody's gonna get murdered somewhere before that goes public well i mean it's like the fabric of america will like tear apart and i want it i dude i would love i want it so much it would be so great like if we just saw all these people that all i had to answer for this we had this conversation before like who would be the worst name to see on that list oh like tom hanks i think is who would devastate well yeah tom h, then you'd be like,

Starting point is 00:34:25 I know nothing anymore. Right. Mr. Rogers. Oh, in his twilight years? I disagree. I didn't see that documentary, but I fucking hated everybody pretending that he meant

Starting point is 00:34:35 something to them as children. So I would love for all those people to have to go find the pose where it'll make you cry. It's so powerful. You're just stiff-arming self-acceptance.

Starting point is 00:34:44 PBS is important for this three-week media cycle you know it's like we were all living in the kingdom of make-believe because old freddy got his cardigan dirty yeah that would be great yeah he's raping a kid with mr mcfeely changing his shoes and then putting on like one of those eyes wide shut masks i mean obviously i guess for me it would be kanye because i because i love him so much yeah that would be pretty devastating. Kanye would be the only one I would believe went there and didn't fuck a kid, though. I would have to become that guy, I'll tell you that.

Starting point is 00:35:12 I'd go to his island, the only tree I respect is there. Yeah, yeah. I think Ellen DeGeneres would be pretty funny. I do think Kanye would just go there and be like, I was just looking at lamps, and I'd be like, I believe him. He loves lamps. Did you see that house on Epstein's private island that looks like a pedophile sacrifice chamber?

Starting point is 00:35:31 Oh, yeah, yeah. It's shaped like a van with candy coming out of it. Exactly. Carved into a fucking cliffside like Mount Rushmore. Well, they just airlifted in a Toys R Us. Welcome to Mount, there's puppies in the back. No, it certainly does. Yeah, the maintenance shed or whatever.

Starting point is 00:35:49 Yeah, it's got, like, these eyes and pyramids all over. It's, like, blue and white. But isn't it, like, on the map is something really innocuous and stupid? Oh, yeah, it's, like, the playpen or something. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. I don't know. I made that up.

Starting point is 00:36:00 I don't know. You know, in Jurassic Park, when they show up, there's a big gate that opens? There's that, but it just says pedophile island, and then it's a big baby gate that just slides open. They've made giant kids you can fuck, so it's legal now. If the baby's six foot, like Captain Underpants again. There we go. Damn, full circle. Full circle.

Starting point is 00:36:19 We're doing improv. This is a Herald right now. Yeah, well, that'd be funny. Captain Underpants escaping the pedophile i told you you got the wrong man yeah like a skate from new york so fast captain underpants we know you're a big ass baby i'm a man you can tell on account of my cape only grown-ups wear those we've never been able to fuck a baby more than six pumps before it pops he's just absorbent that that why he's so big?

Starting point is 00:36:46 Well, no. I mean, I'm just saying, like, imagine if you fucked a chihuahua. It would just, like, it would, like, destroy its internal organs. I gotta figure babies are somewhat similar, you know? I'm picturing a Play-Doh Fun Factory scenario where everything just comes out of the ox.

Starting point is 00:36:58 Oh, yeah. Like a star shape? Yeah, exactly. Wow, it's spaghetti. Yeah, but Captain Underpants is, uh, I guess he also gets superpowers thanks to the hypno ring. So, I mean, he flies away. And it is him.

Starting point is 00:37:09 It is him who brings the truth to light. He gives a big press conference. And is assassinated in his home. He's got Polaroids in his underpants. He's pulled out. He's like, well, then explain this. Epstein's flying away on his jet. He thinks he got away scot-free and then passed the window.

Starting point is 00:37:24 Phew! Captain Underpants. Maybe Epstein hires him on his jet. He thinks he got away scot-free and then passed the window. Pew! Captain Underpants? Maybe Epstein hires him. You don't know. Could you imagine being a kid and getting saved by Captain Underpants and he just flies you to the islands? You think you're saving just a slow turnaround. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:38 He's like a German folktale. I think if they caught him under. They call him Underpants in that world. If I'm like a bought and sold fuck baby and I see a man wearing underpants and a cape walk into the room, I do not think things are about to get better. I'll tell you that. You think how business is usually. I definitely think, oh, Sam Walton has shaved his head and he's made some wardrobe decisions. You know? All right. Well, that was fun. The Mean Boys podcast, I think, you know. All right.

Starting point is 00:38:05 Well, that was fun. The Mean Boys podcast, I think, will be right back right after this. Okay. Okay. And now, Anthony, the worst mind in the world. oh fucking god damn it that was anthony the worst mime in the world. Okay. Yeah, guys.

Starting point is 00:38:53 After some more off-air Captain Underpants talk, you know. It's time. What do you say to get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. Yes, that's good. Hell yeah. All right. I'll take us away this week.

Starting point is 00:39:08 Bruce Springsteen is closing in on an EGOT. If you don't know what that is, that's an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and one of Bruce's friends from back in Jersey. A bunch of fucking wops named Tony. Variously greasy Italian men. Yeah, yeah. Roaming around. He won the me.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Hey, glory days man people I do like the idea of a bunch of guys who knew a bunch of fucking like wife beater like sopranos like fucking

Starting point is 00:39:32 like gold chain taco meat guys just like oh they're fucking finally a show for us oh wait a minute they're just giving out awards to

Starting point is 00:39:42 them the minute he hears like he gets the EGOT you just hear a faint they're just giving out awards to them. The minute he gets the EGOT, you just hear a faint, oh, in the background. The entire state of New Jersey doing it as one unit. The way they said Muslims were dancing in Jersey when 9-11 happened, it's going to be that for Italians when he wins the Tony. I think he's got to get the Tony because there's so many fucking Springsteen fans that will,

Starting point is 00:40:06 I'm sure, also like Dieter. What did he win an Oscar for? He's got a big cult of personality. I just watched that last week. They're going to just try to make him complete the run. They'll just want it to happen for him. I've got to imagine if it's the Tonys. I'd have to look at this, but I figure if any real famous person did anything, they

Starting point is 00:40:21 win automatically. Yeah. You know what I mean? Over anybody who's really good at musical theater. Certainly, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Ben Carson is stating that Trump is not a racist, and

Starting point is 00:40:32 I personally think he can say that because he has a lot of black friends. Ben Carson does? Yes. Okay. It's good. It took me a minute. That's not on you. That's on me. Right. You know what what i knew that joke was gonna be uh two it wasn't dumb enough for the room i also knew that i also feel like he probably

Starting point is 00:40:52 doesn't have a lot of black friends oh no not at all no no no what was the last thing you think he hung out with black people socially ben carson you know oh never yeah maybe by accident one time like he walked into a popeyes or something. The night he washed his hands a lot. Rob Gronkowski had a legendarily bad appearance on a game show. I'm not saying Gronk is dumb, but he did refer to $100,000 pyramid as Big Money Pointy Square. He's a fucking moron. That's also what they're going to call Captain Underpants because he's got a convex head. All right?

Starting point is 00:41:27 The rest of him is pretty square. If he's on that island, he's got money. Right, yeah. There's somebody doing diagrams where you see his head is the same shape as the Illuminati pyramid. Follow the money. Oh, that's good. I mean, so help me God, if the pattern on his cape is anywhere near the pizza gate fucking pedophile insignia i think we might have the makings of a very serious case here he could have a big eye on his forehead like dr

Starting point is 00:41:50 manhattan or something oh shit oh like an adam just out yeah yeah it's just a juice box with a circle around it i do think they probably was forged in the son of capri honestly i mean it's not like this and i'm not glad i thought of, but juice box would be a good name for a child sex slave. You know, if you're evil. Like a juice box. And then you put the straw in. Yeah, exactly. We all get it.

Starting point is 00:42:16 All right, Chase. Chase is very nervous about his jokes. I just wanted to let the audience know about that. So hard. Yeah, I don't do jokey jokes. It's going to be good, man. It's going to be fun. It's going to be so bad.

Starting point is 00:42:23 Okay. Popular white rapper Iggy Azalea azalea fuck next leave bye jump out the way dang it bobby you're listening to iggy azalea she's got a big ass uh bobby bobby it's oh god it's clapping peggy you've got hands uh damn um popular white rapper iggy azalea and peppa pig apparently have a musical beef after they both both released albums on the same day when asked what she thought about the overweight cartoons attempt at making music for children,

Starting point is 00:43:06 Peppa Pig refused to comment. Huh? Come on. You got it. I like that you pulled your arm back. You did like the Tiger Woods elbow pump. Like, ha ha, got there. I have to do like a 50s news announcer.

Starting point is 00:43:18 Yeah, yeah. Up next, the punchline. All right, gang. A woman is suing Drake after getting hit in the head with a beer bottle at one of his concerts. When Drake heard the news, he said, ew, beer. Gross. I thought of a joke like eight years too late last night, which is Meek Mill and Drake are so soft they don't have a beef. They had a tofu.

Starting point is 00:43:43 That's fine. That's pretty good. Yeah, I just wrote my first Caitaitlin jenner joke so okay welcome to the party yeah you want to do it on the couch here at the uh the quick thing was just it was like she got remember she killed that guy when she was bruce and then got a sex change yeah and she just got off from the lawyer being like yada i'm sorry for wasting the course time but i do believe do believe it was Bruce Jenner who killed that man. If you want to point out to the court where Bruce Jenner is, I'll throw him

Starting point is 00:44:10 in jail myself. And the judge starts sweating. I noticed this letter says, gone to Fiji, be back never. Signed, Bruce. He's on the lam, Yana. Yana, I disagree that you are being, quote, looney tuned. Let's go of law.

Starting point is 00:44:29 Yana, I see no Tweety Bird. I see no Bugs Bunny. I see Nary a roadrunner and a coyote in sight. If you have an issue with this, I'm happy to gather my straw and not tell myself I'm out of here.

Starting point is 00:44:41 I do love simple country lawyers. The simple bets are the best. You're never going to not get me with those guys. All right. A woman. Should I do it in a country lawyer voice? Go for it. A hundred percent.

Starting point is 00:44:54 We're doing all the rest of our jokes in country lawyer voice. A woman was. Oh, Lord. A woman was decapitated by another woman in Australia. I thought I had problems. This lady's up to her neck and not having a body. It's like eight different accents. I'm just a simple country jokester.

Starting point is 00:45:19 You sound like somebody electrocuted the ghost of Tennessee Williams. I'm not an impressionist. I do declare you are not, sir. There's going to be a tour for Whitney Houston's hologram. Bad idea. You're not supposed to take electronics in the bathtub. I do believe this is my new favorite dumb shit video. Mr. Avery, the floor is yours.

Starting point is 00:45:46 Thank you, Counselor. Y'all, recently, I might be a simple country lawyer, but... I keep up with Twitch streaming news. Y'all, I was on... I was on Twitter's Top Trending the other day, and

Starting point is 00:46:00 I saw that Today Show weatherman Al Roker recently found himself in hot water with Florida residents after he mistakenly referred to last year's Hurricane Michael as a Category 3 rather than its collect classification of a Category 5. Many Florida residents were particularly upset with Roker

Starting point is 00:46:17 because they had just learned how to count that high. Oh! It's funny, that joke was like better in his voice. That guy actually just learned to count that high. I do declare. Well, I have some declaring to do myself. Order, order.

Starting point is 00:46:34 Now, to step into the parlor, cobbler is served. Order, order. Now, I caught wind through the telegram that a hotel in London is selling a $200 cup of tea. Now, if I'm going to pay $200, now I'm doing Bill Caspian. Oh, you see? If I'm going to pay $200 for a tea, it better be the one they nailed Jesus to. Thomas? Jesus, too. Thomas. The floor is the gentleman from Mission Viejo has the floor.

Starting point is 00:47:14 General Goss. The, um, Donald Trump. Now, Mr. Goss, I pardon my interruption, but are you all right? It seems as if you're suffering from a throat affliction or perhaps. I'm just real learning how to talk here. I do believe you were talking to him as the Donald Trump. General Goss. The Donald.

Starting point is 00:47:39 General Goss. The Donald. Break it down. Donald Trump dropped into a mega fuck. A Donald Trump. I believe he's a simple country lawyer. I don't know from what country. It is me, a simple Russian lawyer. I would guess one where there is shit in the drinking water.

Starting point is 00:48:05 I am a simple country lawyer. In the case of government versus you. Donald Trump dropped into a MAGA-themed wedding. A MAGA-themed wedding is actually where you marry an immigrant and then deport her family. Simple country lawyer. Oh, I do appreciate your job. Oh, yeah. I do believe that joke was good enough for one William Ma.

Starting point is 00:48:37 New ordinance. I don't know if you... The right honorable homosexual vampire from New York. A little bird told me there's a new app for your phone that you can use to make you look super old. It's called Facebook. Did you get it? My throat hurts ever so fucking much.

Starting point is 00:49:03 I deeply enjoyed that joke. I can't do that. No, you're just from a different country. You're a simpler, more country-er. Simpler sounded mean, but you get what I was driving. I ain't the best with words. I speak in the sound things. Please forgive General Goss.

Starting point is 00:49:26 He was recently kicked between the ears by a donkey. Now, Mr. Avery, now when did he have a run-in with your wife? Your Honor, now that is uncalled for. Oh, was it now? Oh, yes, sir. Oh, juleps all around. Cobbler julep. Juleps?

Starting point is 00:49:45 I don't believe Dave Cyrus is scheduled to appear on today's show. Oh, you're at it again. Oh, you'll find I'm quite the name. You're quite the rogue, my friend. I was recently on Facebook the other day, y'all, and I couldn't help but notice my Aunt May. She had an article. Gerardo Rivera, New York City Jew fella, recently appeared on the television show Fox and Friends. When, during an argument, Pete Hegseth, a good gentleman, told Rivera to reportedly go back to the country where he had come from. Gerardo took a moment to compose himself and explained that he cannot go back where he came from as he was recently banned

Starting point is 00:50:26 from his hometown of Faggot Junction May the South rule right again Oh, that was the most troubling news Faggot Junction, I do believe the McSpadden Manor Oh, I do believe it's next to a much bigger manor with the larger presence in your house. You are correct. My house is bigger than yours. Yeah, there's all the more room for butt foolery.

Starting point is 00:50:58 Oh, I do declare who could possibly still be listening to this podcast. I dare venture everybody. Your move, McSpad. No, y'all want you to keep monologuing and doing the voice. No, no, no. Well, I'll tell you. Now, moviegoers are excited to see the new James Bond franchise's first female 007. Personally, I'm more...

Starting point is 00:51:26 I got a better one. Do you want to do you, Don, in answer? Now, the Bagel Sheriff has... You guys know the Bagel Sheriff. Apparently, he's inked a deal to participate in a boxing match in Atlantic City. I don't know what weight class he's going to fight at, but I'd venture kindergarten.

Starting point is 00:51:49 Little fella. Quite the Lilliputian. Yes, indeed. A fine literary reference. Give it a go, Gar. Oh, boy. From my most obscure and partylicious of compatriots. Indeed.

Starting point is 00:52:04 Only those Groovetacular. Yes, yes. Yes, Gulliver's Travels. Really the high fidelity of this... of this generation's reference-based comedy. We would go first on whatever the book version of a mixtape would be. Yes. Indeed.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Indubitably. Indubitably. Indubitably. I'm honing in on an accent now. All right. I'm taking this bit in quite a different direction, sir. I can only speak a certain way. You've been spending some time abroad, Mr. Goss. I dare say your presence at tonight's meeting has been rather peculiar.

Starting point is 00:52:45 You sound like the Swedish chef, if we could kind of understand you. Spending much time at airports. Many influences. Scientists have found a way to cure AIDS in mice. Good thing, too, because there's definitely lots of AIDS problems in the mouse community. Glad they jumped on that grenade before Stuart Little got a little littler. Moving off the bit, that might be my favorite joke you've ever told. That's so funny. Now I would venture to say that comic book guy favorite joke you've ever told. That's so funny.

Starting point is 00:53:25 Now, I would venture to say the comic book guy from The Simpsons is a pretty good joke. Stuart Little got a little littler. Let's see if I can pull this one off in my normal-ass voice. In West Palm Beach, Florida, the colonies, doesn't even make sense, a public park is playing the song Baby Shark on loop to keep the homeless out. I believe that, folks.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Baby Shark, now where did you find that particular character? Jeffrey Fishtein's Island? More of a coral reef. Oh, yeah. Your Honor, I requested the next stroke be stricken from the record, but yesterday a child in Compton, California... Oh, no. Oh, no. Your Honor, I accept that. Oh, I do believe I've gotten a certain bout of my mother's cooking.

Starting point is 00:54:41 It's caught up to me. Your Honor, I will see myself out. Carry on. Carry on. I'm sure it was very funny, and you can tell me later. Well, if I did tell you later, it would go like this. A child in Compton, California, recently had his hand blow off by an illegal street firework. Doctors performed surgery on the young boy for over four hours.

Starting point is 00:55:02 Unfortunately, the doctors could not save the hand, but they are optimistic that the boy should be able to lead a normal life of systematic poverty and trauma that leads to a slow-vying death, most likely at his own hand or the hands of his loved ones young. God damn it. Fuck. Well, I do believe

Starting point is 00:55:20 that might have played better if we were not also doing this. And perhaps that, I'm a bit surprised it went in a different direction than I thought. Shockingly woke. A bit northern in the sentiment there. I thought it would involve some sort of stolen Rolex that couldn't slide off the stump of the boy. Something terrible. Something about how could I put throw gang signs now?

Starting point is 00:55:43 John, I apologize for my temporary homosexuality. Perhaps he wanted to show in the bloods, but could only be in the blow. Yonah, I thank you for the CPR you're performing on this joke. I dare say I must have misjudged you. Some kind of title from this time, Avery. Yes, Colonel Esposito, sir. Look for my new book, Rape Jokes, y'all.

Starting point is 00:56:14 I will be heralded by a genius once I cease living. Real Cameron tweet, by the way. I will put my hands together for that. Cameron really tweeted. I think it was a year before rape jokes got crushed by Nanette.

Starting point is 00:56:31 What an amazing. I mean, oh, Lord. She tweeted a year ago. She goes, I'm going to write a hour on consent. It will be ignored during my lifetime, but will be heralded as genius once I pass. And she tweeted that. Wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:48 Oh, my God. I just, with all these things, I'm like, I wish I had confidence. You know, I've never believed in myself. I've gone into every ring defeated. I just wish I was like, nobody will understand my funny voice podcast while I walk this miserable earth. But once I shovel from the coil, I will be seen in the likes. How do you? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:13 Anyway, we got one more. I guess we ought to. Come in to the bit. Yes. Our man, Kendall Jenner. You guys know Kendall Jenner. I haven't seen this. I haven't heard about this.

Starting point is 00:57:28 Clap back at people. I say clap back. I'm cool. She clapped back. Don't stop filming me. People saying that she dated, quote, an entire NBA playoff team. She clapped back by saying, Hey, Jordan Clarkson isn't even a starter.

Starting point is 00:57:50 Oh, we'll play. All right. Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble. Let's see what choices are made here for your final turn at the backwoods, sir. Oh, boys. The Minnesota's state fair. See? Has... Because the Minnesota's State Fair... She has... Of all the accents you could have chosen, I do believe you selected Atlantean.

Starting point is 00:58:14 Now, have you just drinking several milkshakes, Mr. Carr? Somewhere, is there a puppet who should be speaking normally while you drink all that spit? You sound positively dairy-licious. Yes. The Minnesota State Fair has removed the donut holes that came with syringes with assorted donut fillings

Starting point is 00:58:36 because it reminded people of heroin. People have already moved to snorting and smoking the donuts. That was a mighty fine joke there, gold member. Hey, kids, stick to it. Your Honor, his winky is gold. Your Honor.

Starting point is 00:58:59 I present to the jury the skin box of one Mr. Gold member for examination. I'm trying to speak like my compadres here. Well, number one, compadres. Comfortably outside our chosen vernacular. The vernacular. I can't do it.

Starting point is 00:59:17 I can't do it. And as my final joke on today's segment, I do believe we'll turn to the mysteries of the Orient. In China, they are actually developing an app to track lost dogs. They're calling it Grubhub.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Woo! Grubhub. Y'all, I thought that was a joke and not a piece of non-fiction. The line is ever so thin. Right. Y'all, this last joke was a joke and not a piece of nonfiction. The line is ever so thick. Right. Y'all, this last joke was the gay Chinese guy bit. So I request that I do my impression of a mediocre open mic L.A. comedian.

Starting point is 00:59:55 The court will allow this. Approved. Re-enter the room, Colonel Esposito. Hey, thanks, Honor. Okay. So this is just a bit I wrote but can never do. Folky loves it, so it's probably terrible. Objection.

Starting point is 01:00:08 No one knows who that is. Brian Vokey. He was on this show. I know. I'm kidding, Brian. Oh, shit. I lost my train of thought. So it was based on a real guy.

Starting point is 01:00:22 I saw it an open mic. It was, you ever see a guy who talks with such a gay, effeminate accent that he starts to sound Chinese? You ever see this, folks? You ever see this, folks? I swear to God, I was down at the boardwalk the other day. I heard a guy talk. He was just like, yeah, man jar went to the gara. And he was just like. Ding-a-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Starting point is 01:00:44 Ding-a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ding-a-ba-ba-ba-fuckin' botch. and he was just like bing bong bong bong bong bing bong bong bong bong bong bing bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong

Starting point is 01:00:47 bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong

Starting point is 01:01:01 bong bong bong bong bong bong This thing is called vocal stir fry. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will have some explaining to do when we return shortly after this. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Yeah, Himalaya is the number good podcasting app on all of the websites. It's got the sleek, easy-to-use interface. It makes it very convenient to find your favorite show. Oh, hello.

Starting point is 01:01:27 I am Mr. L, and I am here to tell you about Himalaya Broadcasting app. First of all, why the fuck is this the first time you've ever said, this is Mr. Ear, and I'm here to tell you about? Why did you have to do an accent that was from a country that doesn't exist to get to that first thing you should have thought of pun? The country is the motherland, and the mother of sound is Himalaya. that was from a country that doesn't exist to get to that first thing you should have thought of pun. The country is the motherland, and the mother of sound is Himalaya.

Starting point is 01:01:52 Let's steer away from motherland. Yeah, Himalaya is a free podcasting app, unaffiliated with any pro-white organizations, and you can download it with the link in the show notes. Is that pro-white? It's pro-mother. Himalaya has no knowledge or wants no part of this riff. I got to figure Himalaya stands by the mothers of America. Yes. It would be pretty weird if a business didn't.

Starting point is 01:02:15 Well, they might stand by mothers, but Himalaya is the big daddy of the podcasting app community. Oh, yeah. Yep. They have a playlist function. You can like and comment on your favorite shows. More places to interact, get into arguments, accrue social points to tell your coworkers that you're a meaningless job. You know, I got six likes on my Burtcast quip.

Starting point is 01:02:36 You know? Look at the hearts that define me. You can leave comments in communist English. What? I don't... Communist English. You mean Twitter don't... Communist English. You mean Twitter? Mr. Ear here... Republicans?

Starting point is 01:02:49 Mr. Ear does not know how to do accents, but the point is we're here to tell you how great Hebele is. Yep, just we. Mr. Ear and his pals. Mr. Ear and the rats.

Starting point is 01:02:59 And his two sidekicks, the dudes who were German up until a minute ago. Mr. Ear and the lobes. Yes. We are playing this Saturday. It would be great if you could come. Indeed, we both play this since.

Starting point is 01:03:10 I have been flaring the streets and shining my keytar. It is loud, but not enjoyable. Oh, sausages. It is about to show you're not paying $20 for it. Indeed, it is not good to listen to the podcast in the Himalayas. Yeah, you can leave tips. You can create a playlist Yeah Here is a tip

Starting point is 01:03:27 Abandon hope Yeah Yeah So check out the Himalaya app I think we've told you Everything you need to know Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:03:35 And the Mean Boys I'm kidding I can't fucking do that Ever again The Mean Boys podcast Returns to Take a look at your questions Your comments

Starting point is 01:03:43 Your voicemails The Mean Boys mailbag It's the Mean Boys Podcast returns to take a look at your questions, your comments, your voicemails. The Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag.

Starting point is 01:04:00 That's the jingle. Thank you, Andrew Hillary. Tweet us at Mean Boys Podcast. Instagram, Facebook, I guess. Or leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. Man, I'm fucking lightheaded from doing this. I know. I really am.

Starting point is 01:04:12 I'm like out of wind. I got bummed out when I'm like, oh, we have more show to do. I feel like I just woke up from a night of drug use or something. But it was just happiness. I depleted all of my dopamine. Is that scene in Fear of One when he wakes up in the raptor tail? He's just, what did I do? I foghorn leghorned myself into a hangover.

Starting point is 01:04:32 You know? That's why this sounds so stupid, because they talk like that all the time. Exactly, yeah. They're just deflating balloons of humans. Yeah, fuck. Bleeding out the last big words they remember. Well, the fact that it just kept being funny. And every time it would just be about to stop being funny, it would be Tom's turn.

Starting point is 01:04:51 I couldn't do the fucking accent. I know, but it was so... And I was like, oh, shit, because Tom doesn't really do voices like that. I don't. So I was like, oh, shit, this is going to be... Because we're all doing it. Yeah, no, it's a. We're not building them an out.

Starting point is 01:05:07 It's a shrimp. It's a shrimp cocktail. Who are any of these guys? I guess it's like, what's like that? I would love to see, you should make a YouTube comp like those impression reels where it's like, my 30 impressions in a minute. It's just like, shoop-a-doop. Hey, it's me, Jack Nicholson. Hoop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop.

Starting point is 01:05:30 Oh, hi, everybody. I'm the Joker. Hi, I'm LeBron James, and I'm here to... LeBron? I'm LeBron. I jump really high. I jump... I'm just a simple country LeBron James. I jump really high. I jump.

Starting point is 01:05:47 I'm just a simple country LeBron. Hey, it's a big Samuel L. Jackson. I won't talk to you about smoking. Only goat I care about is my pet Percy. I am President Bill Clinton. You're getting tough. Lightning round. I'm going to throw out some people and give me the impressions.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Okay. Is he really going to try, though? Yeah. Yeah. gonna throw out some people and give you the impressions. Okay. Is he really gonna try, though? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, all right. Let's start. Bill Cosby. Oh! It's hey, hey, hey.

Starting point is 01:06:15 I like the pudding, pops. That was Santa Claus. I got some sweaters. I got some sweaters. I'm a sweater man and you put it on Lucio Ball what is she in? Jackie Chan

Starting point is 01:06:30 there we go Jackie Chan no Chris Tucker bad driving Chris Tucker Christopher Walken that's not bad that's not bad I That's not bad. I'm in the movie with the man with the gun.

Starting point is 01:06:50 This is a bad Christopher Walken, but a pretty good Gilbert Gottfried. How about Woody Allen? Let's hear that. I'm Jewish. Not Jewish. Jewish. All the people are mad about the movies. It's coming.

Starting point is 01:07:04 You're switching predators. Let's hear Caitlyn Jenner. I am a woman. Hey, girls. I've never heard her talk. You ain't missing much. Hey, girls. Like that.

Starting point is 01:07:20 Hi. Hi. I'm like you. I'm like, no, you're still a billionaire Republican, you dumb cunt. Yeah. We saw a guy at the Ice House the other day. Am I getting a weird feedback or no? Yeah, we're going to put up voicemails.

Starting point is 01:07:33 Yeah. We like to really jam out. We like to turn the mics on and fucking shred. The last part of the podcast. We saw a guy at the Ice House who was like, give me an impression. He was just doing family guy impressions, like literally Stewie and Peter. Okay. Well, now I got to hear Tom do Stewie.

Starting point is 01:07:48 Yeah, do Stewie. What? That's Lois. I'm not trying to be mean. Do you know which one Stewie is? Oh, I thought he was trying to do Peter. Oh, no. Stewie.

Starting point is 01:07:59 It was still Lois that he did. Oh, good Lord, I'm a baby. Homosexual baby. I'm so used to it. That's much better than I thought it was. Homosexual baby, Brian the dog, lick my bum. Nailed it. Alright, Peter. Hey, Lois.

Starting point is 01:08:18 I'm rarely going to quality control this show. We cannot do family guy voices. Hey, Keith. Alright. Hey, Keith. All right. Hey, Jace. Let's go to the mailbag. Mailbag. Anyway.

Starting point is 01:08:31 I got a mailbag. I was like, give me an impression. Any impression? And people just kept yelling Jackie Chan. He's like, literally any impression. They're like, Jackie Chan. It's like, literally anything at all. You'll know when we walk.

Starting point is 01:08:43 I love fucking bad to open my comedy, cannibalibalizing itself where they're just like, do it. Do it. I fucking dare you. You said any impression. Just throwing knives at him. Homer Simpson, Tom. Okay. Don't.

Starting point is 01:09:01 My kids are fucking. I can't. We were actually doing an OK Homer earlier. We were trying to do something. Marge. Don't. My kids are fucking... I can't. We were actually doing an OK Homer earlier. We were trying to do something. Marge. Marge. Marge. I want a donut.

Starting point is 01:09:14 I want a donut. You're actually doing good Homer. It's impressive. Thanks. Lisa, I'm horny. Oh, you get a job doing voiceover for Simpsons porn? Maybe. Shut up.

Starting point is 01:09:32 Make it for a cycle. No, he's getting choked. I can only do one impression. It's the Roadrunner. Do it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Super necessary impression.

Starting point is 01:09:45 A lot of comedy gold to mine. It's less of an impression and more of a sound. I can do Wile E. Coyote. He doesn't talk. That's right, because he's deaf. So that's what we're able to do. I'm about to get the wrong brother.

Starting point is 01:10:02 Hello, Acme Corporation. I recently purchased a giant catapult, and I know it didn't work. It catapulted me directly into the ground. A follow-up, I tried to put in a healing aid, but it turned out you could not do painting on final hand. I hold up one sign that says, uh-oh, another thine that says, please help me catch the bus. I also purchased some bin wall bottles from your corporation recently.

Starting point is 01:10:34 And lo and behold, they got stuck up there. I don't know what to do. You sound like Porky Pig. I only know how to do Lois Griffin when she's horny. Oh, Peter. I can only do Lois Griffin getting... Meg. I can't, yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:55 I think we got to go to the mail. We'll just start eating each other. I could listen to Tom do just cartoons all day. I could really just... One more. Okay. Elmer Fudd? I don't know what...

Starting point is 01:11:10 Oh, I'm hunting wabbits. That was the best one. It's like Italian, Elmer Fudd. Hey, I'm hunting the wabbits. Oh, it's rabbit season. It's Your boy Satan says, which sport would Tom Goss be a good announcer for? Hunting. I would go on 11 and say the Simpsons mobile game.

Starting point is 01:11:36 If they reboot Space Jam, I'd be a great Space Jam... Give me a little bit of what the Space Jam commentary would sound like. Let's get ready to basketball, folks. We are dribbling. We are running. We have got five giant fucking aliens on the floor for some reason. Jesus goddamn Christ. They were small earlier.

Starting point is 01:11:56 They took steroids, and now they're stomping on Kobe Bryant's head. So, yeah, we'll be back after these messages. Hail Xenu. Hail Zinu. Hail Zinu. Scientologist? I hope that, I know, I don't think he's in it, but I hope they put Kobe in the new Space Jam, and I hope he gets two Oscars. That would be great. Where's Kobe?

Starting point is 01:12:18 Wait a minute, where's Lola Bunny? I was about to say. He rapes. Yeah. At Josh Lee. Yeah, of course. That's the one we're going to fucking add. Four different types of semen on her dress is all I'm saying.

Starting point is 01:12:29 She's raped by four different people. So he rapes and he has friends. What do you want? You're 2002 Lakers. And they all come in. I did see. No, I'm thinking of the Italian guy. My signature four semen dress is the perfect blend of.

Starting point is 01:12:42 I have a picture of him running through her vagina like the team coming through the paper banner for a high school football team. Like Sirius is playing. I saw Devin, not to just tell open mic stories, but Devin Costa, you guys all know. I love Devin. He was on Greg Edwards' show Blame Social Media at the Lab. He had a

Starting point is 01:13:00 great set. He's like killing. And then they just bring up Kobe and he's like, yeah, you know, they found four different types of semen, but whatever. i've never seen a crowd turn on a person quicker he's like no come on i mean don't you know he loves kobe so much he's like a god he's like his favorite guy i remember like kobe was having another daughter and he's like give this give this man a son god the fuck is the matter like he was like distraught about it Oh yeah he cried Kobe's final game Well yeah it was A pretty good game

Starting point is 01:13:27 It was a great game Yeah he won points That's a lot Yeah but don't be A bitch about it Yeah Four different kinds Of dunks he used

Starting point is 01:13:34 In that game At Josh Mang1 says What would you say Is the thing you're The most petty about Hope to get you guys In my bar next time You visit the hellscape

Starting point is 01:13:43 That is Indiana I've created a cocktail specifically for Keith called the Big Ol' Dick. It takes rock candy whiskey and makes it a pink fruity treat. So thanks for that. What's the thing you get the most petty about? Huh. What does petty mean?

Starting point is 01:13:57 I'm trying to think. I'm such a great guy. I can't think of anything. I get pissed off about... I mean, it's a lot of things. I have the opposite problem where I can't think of anything. I get pissed off about, I don't know. I mean, it's a lot of things. A lot of stuff. It's like a Rolodex. I have the opposite problem where I can't flip through my head quick enough to think of what would be number one. You just start screaming.

Starting point is 01:14:12 Yeah. I just, well, like, I don't know, sometimes everything. Yeah. Like, it's like, I'm either very, like, it just depends if I'm in a bad mood or I'm depressed or whatever, and then I'll just be a little bummed. I mean, number one for me has got to be comedy because you just follow through that. Like, this guy's got this or this guy's got that. Oh, sure.

Starting point is 01:14:29 That's probably... Probably would be that. Yeah, I've done with that one a lot. Kind of career stuff. Right. Sure, yeah. Yeah, it's definitely comedy. That'll eat you alive.

Starting point is 01:14:37 You've got to work on that. Oh, yeah. It'll fucking destroy you. Yeah. Oh, how about a funny... What do I get pettiest about? Tom. Love that guy.

Starting point is 01:14:48 He's... Oh, okay, now I got it. Because I'm free. Free falling... That was a good impression. That was good. There we go. Died on Mandalay Bay.

Starting point is 01:14:58 That's lunch, everybody. I sing. I'm a singing guy. Alexis Phil says, you have to constantly be fucked up on a drug for the rest of your life which drug do you pick for the purpose of this question

Starting point is 01:15:08 you don't gain a tolerance or get damaged from it you're just always feeling the effects of that drug all day every day well that means you never stop being high right

Starting point is 01:15:16 I would go CBD just so I could have a normal life I think that's cheating I think I just picked the smartest answer and you're mad because I said the Pokemon

Starting point is 01:15:24 I want to fuck is Ditto. Then I pick nicotine and I'm just living my own life. Yes. There you go. Okay. With the same knowledge as you, too. You just said that Keith can smoke and have no negative side effects. So you basically gave him a golden ticket.

Starting point is 01:15:38 I'm going DMT. Don't mind me. DMT? Yeah. Always DMT. Yeah. Fuck it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:44 Well, yeah, then you could map I saw some fucking Joe Rogan clip pop up in my YouTube and I had to he was like someone's trying to map the DMT realm which is like you know the place you go and you're on DMT and I'm like so we're gonna map the thing we're all imagining in our own heads

Starting point is 01:15:59 it's not RuneScape you don't have the tree over there make a left it's like a Stargate. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's just going to be your friend's backyard. It's going to probably, you know. You're Adderall?

Starting point is 01:16:13 Adderall, because I'd be super fennin' and I'd have the most confidence in the world. But then you're basically on speed. You would never sleep. If you were always on it, you would never sleep. Yeah, my dick would never get hard again. It'd be great. It would solve, like, every problem. I know, dude. Fucking Ritalin. You do meth and still

Starting point is 01:16:27 get hard. Meth makes you horny. I'm not going to do the meth if I can get hard. Ritalin dick, like, it made me incredibly horny, but I couldn't cum. Yeah, you can't get a boner on Adderall. I've tried. I had to jack off by sliding my dick against my leg,

Starting point is 01:16:43 and it would just get smaller and smaller. It was like an eraser that I was depleting. I had a bloodied cock by the end of it. You're bombing the fucking SATs. I've done that when I was on fucking Geodon. What's Geodon? He's a rock title. Geodon is a Pokemon from the ground. You-E-D-O-N is a Pokemon from the ground.

Starting point is 01:17:05 You're actually doing it. You just had to... You gotta be a simple country psychiatrist. Now we're gonna prescribe you with Lexapro and Barazopam. Barazopam and Clonzapam. Trauma is a disease,

Starting point is 01:17:21 Yana. Yeah, it's anti-psychotic. Okay, nice. Hell yeah. That's usually what they are. If he says he took anything that wasn't Sour Patch Kids, assume it was an anti-psychotic. Generally that neighborhood.

Starting point is 01:17:38 Yeah, you give me a cheat code for the mean boys. Yeah, you got it. If I say a bunch of syllables and I'm not stuttering, it's a med. Well, you could hold on to the names of your oppressors. Right. Of course. I could still see their faces. Blue pill, circular, perforated down the middle.

Starting point is 01:18:00 RX297 beat me with a whip every day. Yeah, I do it because I try to jerk off The shower in the sideboard And there's no clocks in the shower Like casinos I was jerking off for hours I'm in there I'm trying to come in the shower It's the only privacy you have And then I hear a knock on the door

Starting point is 01:18:18 And I hear this little voice go Are you okay? And I go yeah You've been in there for 45 minutes? Jeez. Wow. I still hadn't caught it. And then Tom, a newly raisinified Tom emerged from the...

Starting point is 01:18:32 Just pruned with a flaccid dick. Yeah, with a stick in his hand. Well, yeah. It's got to be me and Bernie. I never liked jacking off in the shower. It just was like too much going on. It felt like jacking off at a Starbucks. When your jizz dries weird and like pills up like a bad sweater.

Starting point is 01:18:47 In the shower? Yeah. I got blue balled recently and I jacked off after like I went to bed and I woke up the next day and I was like, I got to get some of this cum out. I still feel there's like cum halfway up my dick, you know. So I jacked off and it came out all kind of like in globules and like it came out in like chunks. Like there was like little beads of it you know

Starting point is 01:19:05 yeah yeah yeah same thing happened when we were on the road and i didn't jack off for 10 days it came i come came out like brown and shit it was like fucking it was just all your depression i guess like i guess my body was just used to we got our ship units you know we got to get them out of here what are we gonna do the warehouses are overflowing yeah just put shit in there. We got no place to put it. Just put the poop in the bowl. You're just coming like those cartoon pipes that go... I came like a Windows 98 screensaver. Once a rag, I'm going to get the cheese. I'm bored. Little Charlie Chaplin gets sucked in going around the pipes.

Starting point is 01:19:42 It's over there if you guys want to look at it. I'm just moving in the closet. It's over there if you guys want to look at it. Daddy? Daddy, are you doing your podcast? It's me in the mug. Your mug, baby. It's me, your Italian cum. How's it going? They call me Slop Wop.

Starting point is 01:20:00 Hey, I'm slopping over here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, who was the guy I didn't have anything Okay What does a guy Gotta try to get Some fucking attention

Starting point is 01:20:11 Around here Whose dick Do you gotta come out of To get the spaghetti With the gravy Yo You ever do like A hot glue project

Starting point is 01:20:17 In school It was like that There was a little like Globules over I thought you were gonna say Do you ever hot glue The tip of your dick So you won't cum in a lady

Starting point is 01:20:24 I thought you were gonna say Do you ever Well then it like the tip of your dick so you won't cum in a lady? I thought you were going to say, do you ever hot glue your cum? Right, and then it's like a big firehouse. Oh, babe, I brought protection. Whips that steam. At Tessica T. Kirk says, if your life was a video game, what game would it be? Oh, I don't know, man.

Starting point is 01:20:40 Probably a boring one. I think it's that video game you see the ads for before porn. Where you're like, I dare you to play this game about fucking anime robots getting dicked by spiders. Those games never work. Have you played one? When I was very lonely and horny and young, yeah, I tried. And the game... What's the game? It gives you viruses.

Starting point is 01:21:01 That's all the game is. There's no game. Just like real sex. Am I right, guys? We're having a good time. What was the premise? What was the plot? I don't remember. I did a couple. I remember there was one Once you did one, it crashed

Starting point is 01:21:15 your computer. You're like, well, three more times and then I'm out. Grand Theft Auto, Epstein Island. I can't tell you enough how. I'm sorry I got distracted by the idea of a racist video game place. It's called the Hard Arcade. Okay, I'm down for this. All right.

Starting point is 01:21:31 I read a book when I was a kid. It was called Crucible. And it was about this chick that works at a VR video game arcade. And there was this racist against Muslim game that people would come in and play after hours. And I don't remember anything else about the book. But I'm like, what the fuck was this book? This is the Hard Art Cafe. Hard Art.

Starting point is 01:21:47 God damn it. The Hard Art Cafe. Yeah, just the Hard. That's a little less clever than Hard Arcade. Just the Hard Arcade. The Hard Art Cafe is just a Cracker Barrel. Well, the Hard Arcade hasn't been the same since that other joint opened down the street,

Starting point is 01:22:02 Butt and Soil. Oh, yeah. I remember what one of the games that worked was. It was a friend that showed me. No, no, that was I debated whether or not I even share this because it's real fucked up. Do it right now. The game was the one that worked, the one that my friend showed me.

Starting point is 01:22:17 I didn't find it through advertisements. It's basically, there's a sleeping girl. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, girl. Oh no. Cosby Simulator? And your goal was to make her come without waking her up. Did the game play the Pink Panther music? The fingers are ringing.

Starting point is 01:22:52 I do not like the erotic reimagining of Don't Wake Daddy. Yeah, it was pretty. I was like 14 when I was blind. I didn't realize how fucked it was. Right. I want to redraw the Don't Wake Daddy box, but it's like this dad dying of an epileptic seizure. And the kids are going, don't shake, daddy. I don't know what Don't Wank Daddy is.

Starting point is 01:23:08 It's a board game. It was like shitty. You're supposed to sneak out of the house so you could go to Epstein's van and your dad, he had a big sleeping cap on and he would pop up if you woke him up. Well, the erotic video game on Epstein and I was called, Are You Hornier Than a Fifth Grader? Still with Jeff Foxworthy.

Starting point is 01:23:24 Are you hornier than a fifth grader? We all have sex with kids, alright? But we don't all fuck kids. Let's get into it. In 1893, this man founded what would now become the Bilderberg Group.

Starting point is 01:23:42 If you've ever ordered a Happy Meal with your license plate blacked out, you just might be on your way to Epstein-Hopkins. Oh, shit. Everybody think of jokes. Quick. The door is open. Sorry, voicemail.

Starting point is 01:23:57 We're doing a different thing. Shit. Fuck. God damn it. If you took your first date to see Detective Pikachu, you dang old might be on Epstein Island. Well, great fit. These are hard jokes to write.

Starting point is 01:24:17 If you don't take pictures on your private jet, you might be on Epstein Island. Now, if you asked your little lady what base she was going to let you get to, and she said, this man-y, you dang old might be fucking a kid on Epstein Island. You might be a pedophile. You might be a pedophile. If you're going on a beach vacation but don't bring a swimsuit,

Starting point is 01:24:38 you might be going to Epstein Island. If your dating app is called Kinder, you might be a pedophile. See, it works because they don't know left from right. They don't know which way to swipe. That's true. Get them on time. If there's no sanitary napkins in the ladies' restroom, you might be on Epstein Island. If that little trash can next to the toilet is full of gummy bears. If you think that there's a women's restroom on Epstein Island, you might not have been to Epstein Island.

Starting point is 01:25:10 If your girlfriend's version of the pill is a Flintstone vitamin, you might be pet of all night too. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. If your version of use and protection is a black bag over her head and $10 million in your bank account, you might be on Epstein Island. If your idea of a rubber is a satanic horse mask, you might be on Epstein Island. If you own steak in Walmart, I feel like you're probably on Epstein Island. If you call pulling out backing out of a Chuck E. Cheese, you might be on Epstein Island. Right.

Starting point is 01:25:48 If you call your son's butthole the ball pit, you might be on Epstein Island. Oh, my God. We got 44 more minutes. Let's just crank them out. Do we want to do a voicemail while we think of more? Yeah, we'll do a voicemail. Holy shit. Come on.

Starting point is 01:26:09 Hear the noise. Hey, you mean boys. I'm just walking my dog. The one that bit the head off that dildo. Oh, yeah. Another voice message. Quick question in a cage match. Would you pick the

Starting point is 01:26:26 Autist or the Down Syndrome guy? No further questions. The Autist or the Down Syndrome guy. What a great question. I'm sure Jace left his voicemail. I'm going to

Starting point is 01:26:41 Byron Allen myself from the voicemail line to a pit I definitely already have. I heard you were recently on Epstein Island. Let's talk about that. Man, fucking canceled on the leash with Byron Allen. I love that we said I went to a voicemail more offensive than the bit we were doing before. I do like the idea that's getting off on the runway of Epstein Island. He's putting on sunscreen and they're like, you must be new here.

Starting point is 01:27:03 Well, I think you could beat the autistic guy in the cage match easy by just, if it's an octagon, keep calling it a hexagon. Right. And he'll fucking freak out. It's just in a playpen. Now, here's the deal.

Starting point is 01:27:13 You would have to, you'd have to teach, this is rude, but you'd have to teach the Down syndrome guy to say hexagon. And I did recently watch a Kenny versus Benny

Starting point is 01:27:21 where Kenny employs the Down syndrome guy to pretend to be his brother and he tries to make him say that Kenny, that Spenny raped him but he can't get him to do it. So based on this information and that information alone

Starting point is 01:27:33 I feel like that's going to be difficult. Now I also like that you are coaching the one you picked. Like a Rocky montage. I don't want to be involved in this but if I'm gonna I want to win. You're gonna eat crowns and shit lightning. Now, it depends on the kind of autism, because if he's a germaphobe, he's not even going to touch it.

Starting point is 01:27:50 Right. If he's a school shooter or a fat guy autist, then I think he's got a chance. Sure. Autist? Actually? People say autist or like... Really? Spurg.

Starting point is 01:28:00 They're considered, I guess. It's my brother's license plate. Slurs, but I'm a 32 on the autism index Which means autism possible You're like one point below autism definite You know that zone where the earth is That's habitable That's where I'm at

Starting point is 01:28:16 On the spectrum test that I took You're hanging on the crust But you're right by the mantle The Columbine zone I hope your dog's doing okay with the dildo. He sounded like he was crying at the beginning. I'm walking my dog to the dog graveyard. Hi, Mean Boys. This is

Starting point is 01:28:35 King Moon Matter, and I've been kind of meaning to leave a voicemail for a month now, and I'm about a hundred episodes in, maybe a little further. That whole bit about JFK being on paint, you just about killed, like, five cars full of people. I'm an over-the-road trucker, and I laughed so hard I vomited into my lap

Starting point is 01:29:09 and just nearly took out half a lane of cars, and I just kind of figured you guys would enjoy knowing that. Not really. I killed a woman five years ago. It was incredibly hot and bafflingly just intelligent and dumb at the same time.

Starting point is 01:29:32 It's like everything's got to stop. Wait, did he say Tom's hot? Tom's hot, and then he said bafflingly intelligent and dumb. Yeah, I'd be a smart tard. Well, not that just makes me picture a Tard that's dressed smartly. Like in a Kentucky Derby suit. He's wearing a tweed jacket backwards. Right.

Starting point is 01:29:51 Alfie Einstein. Thanks, man. I don't even... Do you guys remember the JFK bit? Because I don't. No. We've done a lot of JFK bits. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:00 Do you worry that one of these is going to end with a gunshot noise? Yes. All right. I mean, we've gotten pretty close to that all really Discord if you knew Factually without question that you would survive the encounter safely Would you fuck a serial killer? Fuck everything God is dead. Oh interesting Good question. That is a good question. Well, they're all dudes, so I'm going to say no.

Starting point is 01:30:30 You know? I'm sure there's been a female serial killer. You could tag up Eileen Wuornos. Yeah, you know. Okay, is she hot? No. She looks like Pizza the Hut. Yeah, I'd Google her and take a look.

Starting point is 01:30:41 Yeah. Okay. Charlize Theron played her in a movie movie and she got called brave for doing it. That's all you got to know. Eileen. You're so ugly. It takes courage to be you. She's so ugly.

Starting point is 01:30:51 You're brave. Me and Ben were doing that bit the other day about, you know, that movie that showed This Is Us? Yeah. And they talk about the fat woman on the show. They're just like, we're just imagining she's walking down the street in LA and somebody's like, hey, I just love you on the show. You're just so brave for being on the show.

Starting point is 01:31:05 And she's like, what are you talking about? She's like, you know, you're gross. And it's brave of you to be this in front of people. And then when you go outside, that's incredible. It grates in public. That's like that Howard Stern thing where he said Gabby A. Sidibe was just basically

Starting point is 01:31:22 a prop in the movie Precious. She was a glorified prop. Was was his take that's rough but yeah i've never seen it yet yeah she does look like shit what the fuck is it i mean i don't know i mean i guess the the right answer is probably yeah just to say you did it to see how like a ted bundy fucks well i mean i guess like this isn't like a dimensional void removed of you know the actual physical universe but as all hypothetical questions in some way are but I mean I guess you'd have a moral duty to fuck him as to like ascertain information about his

Starting point is 01:31:52 whereabouts and his hideaway you know so I guess I would take a dick to stop a rampage certainly yeah Keith are there any male serial killers you take a swing at uh Ted Bond he could get it sure I know it's kind of a popular line at this point but he was was a very attractive man. What about the gay guy in Milwaukee?

Starting point is 01:32:07 I forget his name. Oh, what, Dahmer? Dahmer was hot back then. Dahmer was kind of grimy looking a little. Yeah, but he had like a muscular, he kind of looked like Adam Driver in Girls. Dahmer, he had a good body, but he had too weird of a face. He got a lot of protein. Yeah, he got a lot of male protein.

Starting point is 01:32:19 Yeah, no Gacy. Okay, Jeffrey, I don't know. I bet Gacy's a generous lover, though, you know? No, I don't know. I bet Gacy's a generous lover, though, you know? No. I don't know. I think Gacy's like a two-pump. Here he just looks like Bill Hicks. Like in prison.

Starting point is 01:32:32 Officer Coons. Yeah, yeah. That's when he's talking about the fucking Rodney King riot. Yeah. And the guy that got shot or whatever. And one of his names is Officer Coons. And he's got this southern accent. So me and Opie and Ramsey, we're all just around them's name is Officer Coons. And he's got this southern accent. So me and Opie and Ramsey

Starting point is 01:32:46 were all just around the house going, Officer Coons. Just the funny ways, you know. But yeah. Dahmer maybe. I think Bundy's the go-to.

Starting point is 01:32:56 I'm trying to think if there's another really happy Bundy to go. I mean, I'm far more interested in him as a fashion icon because that's a pretty cool jacket he's got.

Starting point is 01:33:02 What's Mac DeMarco? You know who I bet fucked really, really good is Manson. Oh, yeah, with that energy? Yeah, he'd hit your back walls. You don't keep that many women around because you're not great at fucking. And I bet you Manson fucked a couple dudes. You'd be like, hey, brother, hang out on the

Starting point is 01:33:15 con man. It's the 60s. You don't get to have a cold if you can't eat pussy. That's part of it. You're spelling a swastika in her pussy? Damn, dude. Jay Savory, thank you so much for coming it. You're spelling a swastika in her pussy? Damn, dude. Jay Savory, thank you so much for coming on. You're fucking awesome, man. Thanks, man.

Starting point is 01:33:29 Thanks for having me. You laughed so goddamn hard. Tell the people what you got to plug. Me, Kevin, Tinkin, and my brother have a podcast called Brain Jail that's really fun. It's just basically we get canceled every episode. Oh, fun. At Jay Savory, I'm drawing stuff that's fun. Yeah, I saw some of the drawings.

Starting point is 01:33:45 They're really cool. Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it. Okay, so go listen to Brain Jail. There'll be a link for that in the description down below. It's a funny show. I've listened to my trip back from Santa Cruz. I listened to all five episodes.

Starting point is 01:33:55 Right. It's funny. Yeah. It's a lot of Chinese accent and stuff like that. And then we feel bad afterwards, and then we talk it out for the last 20 minutes. Actually, you guys can google it yourselves you can find it brand new i do enjoy you guys saying offensive things and going i don't know i don't know if i should be saying like you have the moments on the show that's kind of what

Starting point is 01:34:16 we do yeah yeah that's true how many times during this episode do we go are we gonna be able to put this one out what we're probably gonna cut out is the whole captain underpants thing to be honest with you yeah come on there were so many callbacks on that at the well no not all of it we'll just leave in the part where i was right i'm just kidding uh all right that's the show everybody fucking everything got his death I'll see you next time.

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Mean Boys - EP 204 - Simple Country Lawyers (feat. Jace Avery)

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