Mean Boys - EP 207 - Hot Dog Bomb (feat. Dave Ross)

Episode Date: August 13, 2019

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Please play responsibly. Yeah, I was just talking and shit. Out. All right. Hey, Tom's back from the road. Yeah. Organic first talking and shit. Out. All right. Hey, Tom's back from the road. Yeah. Hey. First time. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, you went all over the place. Yeah. You got some crazy stories that you share with our guests. We got some crazy stories that you share with our guests, Dave Ross. Yeah. A lot of trains, planes, and automobiles and boats, question mark? That's what we call a tease.

Yeah. That will make sense in a little bit. Foreshadowing. Dave's- Not foreskin. Dave's amazing. If you guys have been listening to the show, you know Dave. Check out his new album, The Only Man in the World Who's Had Sex, I believe it's called.

Is that right? Yeah, I think so. What was the link? Dogbone.fuck.something? I'm getting there. It comes out August 23rd. It'll be available on all the places you buy shit. iTunes, Yetiata, Spotify. You can also buy physical copies that include a flip

book that he designed himself. He talks about it a little bit in the episode. Very cool shit. You can pre-order the album right now at sex.guns.beer. I swear to God. That's so funny. Yeah, which is pretty fucking cool. But enough plugging other people's shit. We gotta plug...

Speaking of album, Keith has an album out, and you should go buy that too. August 17th, North Bar, Chicago. Fucking come out. I appreciate all those people who already bought tickets. I see

you. I love you. You guys know it's a good place, because it's just North Bar. It's not North Bar and Grill know it's a good place because it's just north bar it's not north bar and grill yeah yeah that's pretty good you want fried shrimp you get fucked yeah just beer yeah place yeah no it's uh it did with this where we did our last mean boy show in chicago what a year and a half ago now yeah uh i really love the venue it's gonna be fun i've i've i've ran this a bunch of times it's going well it's going well in front of people've ran this a bunch of times. It's going well. It's going well in front of people. It shouldn't.

So I can't wait to do it in front of you guys. So please, please, please, if you can, make it out. Make it out. And some of you guys already told me you're coming from far away to come out and fucking love you guys for that. You have a fan base like the Grateful Dead. They're just going to tour in a caravan

and just talk about the times you puked on things. Yeah. We're gonna argue about Faygo for six hours. And also, thank you to all the people who came out to the shows

where I was running it from fucking Santa Ana, Santa Cruz, Austin, Houston. There he is, Santa. Yeah, all the Santas. Yeah, bad Santa.

Arizona. Like, you guys, it was great meeting all of you and talking to all of you, and that was fun. And I can't wait to meet and talk and perform for all of you out in Chicago. And, yeah, so please fucking come out. I promise it'll be worth your time. And Connor McSpadden and Keith Carey will also be there. But don't let that stop you.

With Kyle Big Man Clark as well. Don't let that stop you. No one would blame you if you let that stop you. With Kyle Big Man Clark as well. We'll let that stop you. No one would blame you if you let that stop you. It's going to be a good time, so fucking please come out. I can't say it enough. Yeah, we're super stoked. I think you said it enough. I can say it.

I can say it. Nine more times. I was thinking nine, too. Nine is the loneliest number except for one. Yeah, please come out. I guess, you know, nine people fucking, no one's getting

any attention, really. Really? Everyone in a crowd. And if there's more than that, then it's like, whoa, we're all in this together. And then it's a party,

but nine is just like nine guys. Eight is still intimate. Nine is just like, yeah. You pair off. Nine, it's like, everybody, someone's getting shortchanged.

Somebody's the runt. Nine is just an eight with a one somebody's the runt of the fucking aisle you're looking at the guy the other dude's fucking like oh he's hotter

you know you're getting jealous there's enough room to sort of like why not me exactly yeah what else is going on

keep watching Lights Out with David Spade over on Comedy Central thank you to everybody who's tweeted nice things about the show yeah check it out

it's on YouTube too follow it on social media please don't let the show. Yeah. Check it out. It's on YouTube, too. Follow it on social media. Yeah. Please don't let the show get canceled. You know? Yeah. I think it'd be cool to do it for a while.

Yeah, I agree. Other than that, same old Mean Boys business. Hang out on the Reddit, r slash Mean Boys. Jump in the Discord. Hang out with your fellow Mean Boys fans. Jump on the Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.

The Patreon. Patreon. $5 a month to get you access to weekly bonus content. It's been a little weekly-ish currently, but we're getting on track. Other than that, I think we're good to go. Cool. Connor is literally falling asleep. I'm exhausted.

Connor's destroyed. Enjoy the episode. Enjoy the episode. Hi and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I try to make a hot dog and I set my hair on fire. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Dave Ross. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... You're going to need to explain that because that is a real thing you did.

Yeah, that's it. Wait, what? Yeah, we're talking outside of the porch. And we're about eight of these deep. And we keep being like, there's more? Tom has been back from the road for 40 minutes. Yeah, he just got back. And we're like, how was it?

And he's like, well... Well, I just drove in and boy are my arms tired. You ever do acid and read the back of a Kerouac novel? how was it? And he's like, well... I just drove in and boy are my arms tired. You ever do acid and read the back of a Kerouac novel? It's pretty much that. Yeah, well I was trying to make a hot dog for... Again, let's begin the story with the worst part.

Tell us about the hot dog. Where were you? What I want to know is if you're on tour, how were you ever in any situation where you're cooking a hot dog? The whole point of the road is you eat hot dogs. Yeah, dude, you go to barbecues or restaurants. Did you buy a house in Arizona? I went there early to spend time with my lady.

Where is there? Austin, Texas. Okay. And I'm trying to make her a hot dog. lady. Where is there? Austin, Texas. Okay. I'm trying to make her a hot dog. This is called foreshadowing what he's doing right now.

Gustav knows how to romance a woman. Hey baby, come to the Airbnb. I'll make you a hot dog. We went to the gas station to select the hot dog. Wow. Sorry. Wow. From the gas station. They the hot dogs. Wow. Sorry. From the gas station. They have one kind. Oh my god. They also make them there.

You could have skipped it. There was a barbecue thing, Flamer, and we were trying to make a Flamer. I was like, I'll make the hot dogs. A barbecue Flamer? Like Guy Fieri? Hey, Fred, do you mean a stove no the the uh the pit they not a pit they could be a pit barbecue grill yeah grill yeah yeah yeah

so there was a grill at airbnb the outdoor things with the lid yeah yeah all right yeah so some people also call that a barbecue. Yeah. Yeah. There was a barbecue. So anyway, there's- That was our only cooking utensil. There's a gas chamber for hot dogs out there.

So I'm looking up how to turn it on. We can't figure out how to turn it on. She goes, I'll turn it on. I'm like, okay, I'll look up how to make hot dogs and grab the condoms. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god. How do you not know how

to make a hot dog? I was vegetarian for most of my life. This is okay. You were a vegetarian on planet Earth. The concept of heat plus meat equals food. Well, I know how long to cook it for. You've seen every episode of King of the Hill.

There's a lot of grilling. Put that in a cartoon. You summed some up. You got the rules. The most realistic cartoon ever made? Oh, sure, but that doesn't mean you should do the things they do and expect the same The dangerous stunts like grilling on King of the Hill. You're already in such a hole and the barbecue's not even on yet.

I love it. The barbecue's not on. Okay. I'm inside grabbing the mustard and shit, looking at the instructions online via Google. Wiki how to cook a hot dog. I plug in Google. Actually, I'm going to Google right now what comes up when you Google, how do you make a hot dog? So I hear a little yelp outside.

I don't know what's going on. I go outside, and she's like, do I have eyebrows? And I was like, yeah, why? She's like, it engulfed me in flames. I was like, oh, no, I think you'll be okay. I'll handle the grill. I'm a man. I will figure this out.

I am. Lord of the Flames. Fuck, yes, dude. So she goes inside. I'm a man. I will figure this out. Okay. Lord of the flame. Fuck yes, dude. So she goes inside. Oh, my God. She goes inside to make sure I wasn't lying about her eyebrows. And the way she described it is she's looking in the mirror, and all of a sudden she hears outside. I didn't turn the gas off from when she was using it.

So it just covered me. It's already grown back mostly, but I had no hair. All my hair on this arm was fucking gone. You can see by comparison it's already... My hair grows back so fucking fast. I'm so fucking hairy.

It just singed like... This area is way shorter than the rest. Oh, yeah. Oh, it fucked up your hairline. Yeah, my hairline. Yeah, that's a critical part of your hair. It looks like... Yeah, that's why it's just messy.

It's because it looks like I cut it myself with safety scissors. There's just a... Oh, it goes so far up. Yeah, wow. But you don't really... It just looks like I have a bad haircut until I go, no, no, no, I tried to make a hot dog. Well, you got thick hair.

It covers for it. What I'm picturing is that you went to the gas station and you bought one hot dog. Shit, man. The lady in the trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We made six, but the dog Blitzed for them But they were too hot

So it just burned the dog's mouth Oh like an actual dog You can't introduce a new character like that Totally Yeah that last part was just a throw away You made six and then the dog ate them But they were too hot for the dog to eat What is happening

The point is I lit my hair on fire. Yeah. But the hot dog. The point is that you answered a biblical question of making a hot dog so hot a dog couldn't eat it. Like some kind of weird renegade philosopher. The good news is the other four hot dogs were really good. I don't know. They were queso hot dogs.

So they were... I knew they were done when they were exploding in the barbecue. So that dog bit into them and he fucking got hit with a bouncing Betty of hot cheese.

Got his fucking chins taken out. Yeah. That's what dog ISIS uses. Oh, my God. It's fucking IED. Hot dog bomb. That was the thing

with the hot dogs. I knew they were done. I had it sooner than Google had told me. You made them a meat gusher. Because the barbecue started making popcorn noises, and that's when I went to throw it off the stove. Wow, man. I love this story. Fuck, dude.

So yeah, I don't know whether or not I should get a haircut, because it's been going well with the current haircut. But it's just messy now with the current haircut but it's yeah it's just messy now your helicopter was pretty on fire I'm going to be honest with you man I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't brought it up so I think you're holding it together good well I always look disheveled

that's the benefit of looking bad is when you set yourself on fire no one notices that is true this is true what I'm about to say you have a lot of free hats that you can use yeah to cover that up so yeah but then yeah i don't know the other the other fun story there's a bunch of fun stories i don't want to get them all here but the other fun story is uh in uh el paso i was going because it was a smoke break because I took a train. And so there's this old lady. She had a hard time getting out of her chair.

So I help her out of her chair. She's like, oh, you're so sweet. She's being so sweet. You're so handsome. And she's like this 80-year-old lady. Naughty America. We're strangers on a train. So I'm banging her dumb bones into dust in the bathroom of a fucking airtrain.

You helped me get down. Could you help me get off? All right, I'm done. Sorry. No, so I'm just like, ah, she's just like a sweet old lady. And I'm like, why aren't we at the station? Because we're stopped. I look and I'm like, oh, we're at the border control, the border patrol center.

Oh, my God. And I say it out loud. And she goes, you know, if they don't stop those immigrants, I'm going to grab my rifle and start shooting myself. She just fucking goes like, holy shit, we are in Texas. And Tom, by the way, and let me remind you, was balls deep in this woman. And she just said that shit.

I just picture you being held at border control in both countries being like, not it. Yeah, there's not it. Yeah, there's a fucking... Believe it or not, this was not gang violence. This was hot dog related. Yeah. I didn't get hit with a frag grenade, fight for El Chapo.

No, what happened was... I Googled... You have 20 minutes really quick. No, listen to me. You know Google. You know Google. Okay, the thing that you barbecue things on, what's that called? The cook house.

Okay, so the cook house. It just keeps happening like the movie Triangle. We just get stuck in this lock. So I got an Airbnb with my girlfriend and my dog, and I bought six hot dogs, and I tried to cook them, but neither of us knew how. So we both burned our hair trying to cook them and then the dog ate two of them but it burned the dog's mouth. You get it.

And then they push you out of a truck and speed away. The old lady shoots me in the head. Ice deports you to space. They're like, it's your problem now, Planet Hulk. Jupiter's got a big hand on a spring. Nope.

Pushing him away. Yeah. Welcome home, dude. Also, I feel bad you led with the two stories of your misadventures because you've been doing just nothing but cool shit while you've been out of town. You've been fucking tearing it up. Yeah. I want to hear all about your tour.

Well, I mean, I don't want to hog. We got Dave here. I don't want to waste his time. Dave, I podcast this is my third time here man you doing cool this week no we've been going for 10 minutes we got plenty of dave to come yeah and i think i think you'd be interested i want to hear about it okay i don't want to i didn't want to hog the air what i appreciate is watching Dave process Tom. That's why I'm here. Yeah.

You guys are nice, but I'm here for Tom. Aw. So is everyone who listens to you. Hey. Yeah. One of many. No, it was. Sorry.

No. I'm here to make fun of Tom. Yeah, there we are. Okay. All right. I'm here because being around Tom makes me feel better. It's true. As soon as I walked in, Dave was like roasting my trash can.

And I'm like, you're not this guy when I see you at parties, Dave. That's true. It is true. There is something about being in this house with you guys that makes me. And this is just true. I was saying it off the pod, too. There's just something about the energy you guys carry in this house that makes me feel like I'm in my old crew in high school. And we can just shit on each other relentlessly to the point of everyone getting their feelings hurt.

You just sold our podcast better than we've been able to do in three and a half years, Dave. Well, I'm going to need a cut of your fucking Patreon. Enjoy your 70 bucks. Yeah, dude. Wow. That sucks. It's like we have sketches, and Dave was like, it takes you back to a simpler fucking time, dude. And we're like, we write monologue jokes, and he's like, you're 15 again when you're in that room.

I have to go back. Wow, that's true. I called him gay. I felt alive. Okay, so yeah, you did some shows out in Bisbee and Austin. Yeah, no, I did. Thank you for everyone who came out. A lot of you came out for the Austin show, and you guys came out to the Houston show. Where did you go up in Houston?

Yeah, house show. House show, cool. House show, and it was a fucking lot of fun. That's awesome. It was fun seeing Keith Ray fucking murdered in Austin. I bet. And then there were a lot of teachers at the Houston show. Oh, because it was that guy we met who was a teacher.

Yeah, yeah. House partying teachers. Yeah, wow. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. The teachers don't go to the house i didn't get to see them again oh yeah no well next time we're out in the area we should we should he said to hit him up to do it again we should absolutely do that because the show fucking ruled but keith ray he's super funny but uh he was just like am i cold opening and i'm like

yeah he's a heck of a first comedian. Yeah, he was one of my favorite sets from anybody because they had no preference, like no knowledge of who he was. Yeah. You get to watch that media fucking impact. Yeah, but fucking, yeah. I mean, the shows were just shows.

The shows were all great. And you're headlining doing, what, an hour? 45. 45. Cool. That's great. Hearing that for his album recording. Yeah.

Coming up next weekend in Chicago. Keith and myself are flying out. Kyle Clark is going to be there. It's going to be a fucking rager, guys. Where in Chicago are you recording the record? I'm even considering remembering how to do stand-up comedy for the event. Wow, yeah, man. I put some thought into it.

It's nice when something comes around that makes you imagine trying. Yeah. I'm going through that recently. Man, I'll be goddamned if I can let Tom down. I got to pull something out. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

No, that show will be great. But yeah, fucking, I mean, all the shows were fun. I got to do Bisbee with Olivia Grace. Oh, hell yeah. She's the best. Yeah, one of my very, very, very good friends. And Doug Stanhope hosted that show. Wow.

Which was so weird. Fucking incredible. He didn't see my set. And I love this. This is one of my favorite facts of the whole thing. This rocks. Tell me about this outside. I went up last, and Doug comes into the green room and he's like, I might miss your set.

I want to get an enchilada, and they're going to close soon. I'm like, that's fine. Yeah, go get an enchilada. I don't want you to see my set. I don't want that distraction. So he doesn't see my set. He goes to get an enchilada. They ran out of enchiladas.

He ended up talking to a table, paid for their tab, because he's just a fucking nice guy. I've heard this about him. He's such a nice guy. And that's when I realized Doug Sando just paid $100 to not watch me do comedy. Whoa. Wow. I'll walk into any open room and throw money at it until I don't have to listen to Tom. Is anyone in here eating?

Fuck. He went to a fucking strip club for Mexican food instead of watching you do your art. Enchiladas, the name of the beach, if stripper. Oh, fuck. He wanted to get an enchilada, but it was so much fun. We did drunk yoga together, which I might start doing yoga. I would like to start doing yoga. I did so little of it.

I can't do it alone. You got to do it drunk. I'm not saying. You got to do it drunk. I'm not saying. You got to do it drunk. You actually don't. Well, no.

I tried it sober. Both of you don't. I gotta do it drunk. You actually don't. Well, no. I've tried it sober. Both of you don't. I've tried it sober before, and it was uncomfortable, and I didn't like it. Drunk, I killed. I killed at yoga. You didn't. Yes, he did. I believe you did, man.

Tom's shockingly athletic. Well, yeah, and then we did a balance thing where you had to be on one foot and do some other thing with the other. And I outlasted everybody. I was like, all right, I'm going to drink until I can't do yoga anymore. Wow, that is fucking funny. This is like Jimmy Buffett experimenting with activities to write songs about. I got so drunk I couldn't hit downward dog. I feel like Jimmy Buffett experimenting with activities to write songs about. Yeah, yeah. I drank three whiskey Cokes before my foot started hurting, and so I left the pose. Wow.

Yeah. I'm good at balance, man. How many tacos did you eat? No tacos this time. Okay. Well, no. Last time it was a taco eating competition. This time you're the balance king of Bisbee.

You come back with a new small town record every time you tour. Yeah, I think I'll start the next road trip. Yeah, the shows were pretty good. I'm the mayor of Des Moines now. Yeah. I'm the fastest draw in Duluth. Sorry, sir. I want to shoot out with a no-armed man.

No, but it was just... I mean, yeah, I got to do the shows, but it was just fun hanging out. You know, I got to hang out with Olivia and Keith Ray in their respective states. It was just a fucking, it was a lot of,

I'm trying to, there's so many stories. I don't know. My brain is fried. The guy on the train, they put me next to this fucking dude on the train. It was driving me nuts

because you don't understand how that guy's podcasting right now. They put me with this fucking dude on the train. That was driving me nuts. You don't understand how... That guy's podcasting right now. They put me with this fucking dude on the train. That was Mark Maron. It was this 60-year-old Mexican guy. Pow! I just missed my stop. Oh, fuck off. Wow, that really got me.

That was really funny. I just missed my stop. He didn't understand. Someone did miss their stop. We had to go backwards to fucking drop her back off. Oh, wow. You had to rewind through the jazz solo? Like a mile, too.

Wait, what? The train went back? Yeah, because the line... I can't believe it. I don't even know that you're a musician. Yeah, I had no idea. I thought they were like cats. I didn't know they could walk backwards.

She was all mad. Like, why didn't they announce them? Because it's one in the morning. What are you talking about? They stop at 10. They tell you that. Yeah, the train's not your dad. You gotta figure out what to fucking do.

So this woman complained so much that the train, they were like, fine, we'll take you back. And like, fucked over a jet. Describe this lady to me. I'm curious. It was an Asian lady dressed as a white lady. It was, she had all the, like, the astrology. Describe her less racially. I know you meant she was just dressed like a white person, but I like to imagine, like, she had some sort of white person mask on.

Like that guy trying to break out of prison. Like a total recall, like the fake white lady had. Oh, yeah, yeah. She just has a KKK hood on. There's an Asian woman dressed as a white lady. I planned in. Yeah, she was fucking, I got mad about that. Aside from cattle rustlers, what makes the train go backwards?

It's so crazy. How white was she dressed? My aunt was like 70. Amtrak? Yes. My aunt is 70. That's a mom and pop train operator. This wasn't Billy's train that Tom took.

I don't know what I was. No, it wasn't Amtrak. It actually goes backwards sometimes. I like that Dave even here was like, was it like an indie train? Was it like a punk rock, self-produced garage label train? Yeah, you know, the engineer just owned that one train. Yeah, my aunt is 70. She's older.

This lady was like in her 40s. And she missed her stop because the same thing happened to her. And she fucking hitchhiked back to Fresno so I don't know what the fuck this lady's problem was God damn dude every single fucking story of your life is a folk tale yeah I don't but yeah the fucking dude next to me

he didn't understand that he couldn't use my footrest so the whole train ride I was trying to explain to him that this was my footrest but he didn't speak English and so I just trying to explain to him that this was my footrest, but he didn't speak English. And so I just had to deal with him using my fucking footrest while I was trying to sleep. And I got the message across, but that's why I didn't get any fucking sleep last night. I feel like that man, that guy's just a fucking asshole.

See, I think he was trying to do like gay sex, like foot code, like the Republican in the bathroom kind of thing. Is that a train thing? Yeah, I don't know about cruising on Amtrak. That's why the train actually went back. Now, this is more about your energy than your appearance, but you don't not seem like the kind of guy that might fuck you on a train. You know, I would see you and I'd go, I'll take a shot. I'd love to join the mile-long club.

Wait, what'd you say? The mile-long club. Fuck. Tom, you've got mile-long club. Fuck. Tom, you gotta put that in your album. You got a week. I've never fucked on a plane, but I am in the mile-long club. Oh, my God. Look at my dick sucked on the Amtrak.

That's so fucking funny, dude. Oh, my God. That's like a Mitch Hedberg joke. That's amazing. That's so good, yeah. That's one of the funniest things a person can do. My whole long club. There you go.

If that doesn't get you out to Chicago next Saturday to see the fucking album recording, I don't know what does, man. Yeah. No. Yeah. Fucking. Yeah. Train fucking.

The problem is, is just like, they don't do a good job cleaning those bathrooms after. That's true, man. You take what you get. good job cleaning those bathrooms after well it's true man bathroom like you're sometimes sometimes they slow down while i'm peeing and i just fucking jizz all over the place i just fucking power what whoa my pants on the train i jacked off on the train recently too no i didn't but i have yeah a bus definitely well i didn't have any i was on keith ray's couch i've checked off on a number of buses have you really yeah i that's i have jerked off while driving a fuckload of times but i've never jerked off on a train or bus i've done that while driving is insane to me i've done so much touring

where i was driving on a boat too every whoa you will you win i wish that i could have you you listening could have seen what just happened because when he said i've jacked off on a boat, too. Every episode. Whoa, you win. I wish that I could have, you listening, could have seen what just happened. Because when he said I've jacked off on a boat, he leaned forward and pointed at me. I was like, ding, ding, ding. That's fucking a better story. Dave specifically needs to know this. Every mode of transportation besides rocket, and I'm going to get there someday. One day, yeah. Bro, what Elon's talking about.

Wow, yeah, I've never thought of that. People have jerked off in space, right? I wonder what that feels like. There was a guy that was up there for 80 days. I mean, if he didn't jack off, he definitely had some heavy nuts. Do you think it makes your dick longer? Gravity? Like your height?

I don't know. Like a friction issue? Or like if there's no gravity, does moving your arm feel the same? You know what I mean? Can you move it fast enough in a zero-gravity scenario? Totally. Or is it just, yeah. I feel like it's harder to clean.

I figured out how to jack off when my dick was bleeding from jacking off too much. I will figure out how to jack off in space, Dave. What? I'm a little tired of your cock-amazing argument against space coming. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm a little puritanical. I'm imagining it. Don't be old-fashioned.

But I don't jerk off in space. I'm going to try to do an astro cover, okay? You know what? Submarine. I got to jerk off in a submarine. Do they still have submarines? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got to find a submarine.

Okay. Mean Boys fans, you got a submarine. Let me jack off on it. You get on the train, man, and get your, like, fucking 30 fathoms below sea level. You can jerk off there. Wow, dude. But that you got a submarine. Let me jack off on it. You get on the submarine and get your fucking 30 fathoms below sea level. You can jerk off there. Wow, dude. But that's still a boat. Yeah, way underwater.

I've jerked off underwater my whole life. I want a submarine. Wait, wait. I don't like water. You guys ever jerked off at the ocean? No. I never. No, I haven't.

With the algae? Like you're in the water and you're just beating off in the water? Yeah, well, I swam. What happens when the waves go down? I swam to the Kelp Hill. I like that the alternate version you pictured was the end of a pier and you're jerking off in a pool. Outside Ruby's Diner. The Requiem of a Dream soundtrack starts playing.

And then after the credits you see a fish that looks like Tom. Oh, my God. The cycle begins anew. Yeah. And then the sitcom music. My fish son crawled on land. He wants a dad. I'm Tom.

You guys have never jerked off in a pool, lake, or ocean? No. Not in Spain? Again, for the same reason that it feels like it would be difficult in space the resistance of the water well yeah you gotta get out of the way of the waves okay well but i don't need to do a fucking how good is your balance where you can do this like fucking i told you how good my balance was yeah i could have done it with four more cocktails you're saying though it's like it slows the motion slows the motion down yeah how much are you stopped

by water i mean I jack off fast. I don't think I can get the speed. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I think water, yeah, really resists my arm movement. I look like I'm playing a Metallica solo with one arm. Why are you doing these giant long swipes to jerk off? Well, I'm not.

You're on the wrist. I played hockey. Got strong wrists. Well, because Dave has to do that because he ties a ventriloquist dummy's hand to his cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he operates that. Yeah, exactly. I like the air bike thing yeah that yeah exactly because he's weak to water well i just what are you telling me that your body is

not your body movements are not restricted by water that's what you're saying i'm not enough to not make me come i feel like no no element can stop me from coming. Fire couldn't? What about fire? I came after I lit my head on fire. I come all the time. Wow. Now, the fire was not on my penis. You had crew from several days ago. How do you think I put the barbecue out, huh?

Wow, I hadn't thought of that. It's just a Home Depot bucket-sized load. You've barfed out of fire one time I did yeah my mom loves that story I was mad about Lord of the Rings my mom goes tell me the one about Tom barfing out the fire again dude it's so funny because every story

why didn't they just fly there from the beginning every story has like the arc of a regular story and every story is interesting unto itself that you're telling us, but then all of the variables are different than what I normally hear. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, what I mean is like, it's our

okay, a story about you burning your hair cooking a hot dog. Well, how do you usually burn your hair on fire? Well, what I'm saying is, that's already funny and interesting. Hey man, I burned my hair trying to cook a hot dog. That do you usually burn your hair on fire? Well, what I'm saying is that's already funny and interesting. Hey, man, I burned my hair trying to cook a hot dog. That's funny. But you're like Googling it and there's a dog.

You know what I mean? There's just like all this extra shit. There's a lot to unpack. There was a pool nearby. I almost jumped into it. There was a pool nearby. You put it out with cum. We haven't even talked about how you thought the train was a boat. I didn't think the train was a boat.

I couldn't remember if I had gotten onto a boat because a man told me about living on a boat through hurricanes. Right. And so boats were on the mines. That's what I'm saying. It's a classic story. I'm sorry. I'm a fucking idiot. You're right.

There was much boat speak. So boats were on the mines. There was much There was much Boatspeak So boats There was much Boatspeak I was on an island That's where the boats go Is the islands Yes

Okay Yeah I forgot if There was a lot happening On the island There was much gallivanting A lot of amphibious trains That were very confusing

Yeah you're right Fuck me I was surrounded by a lot of water Yeah Okay Fuck I love it so much It's definitely not crazy amphibious trains. No, you know what? Yeah, you're right. Fuck me. I'm surrounded by a lot of water. Yeah. I love it so much. It's definitely not crazy that someone told you a thing about their life

and you decided it might be yours. I just was trying to remember. It wasn't even that I was like, I went on a boat. I was like, did I go on a boat? When was the last time

you went on a boat? I don't know. I think it depends on when you ask him. It was definitely the last time i jerked off i think the last boat when's the last time you guys were on a boat i think i was the staten island ferry i took the ferry to catalina okay like a couple months ago um i threw up so much on that ferry too dude yeah and i it's did you try to watch The Goonies 2? What?

That's what I'm saying, dude. There's always this other fucking detail. It's like, you throw up on the boat too because of The Goonies. It's always like, I fucked my mom in the ass in the video game. It was just, okay. No, it was definitely because of seasickness.

I said the Goonies caused it. I'm saying the Goonies was playing on the boat? Yeah. On the ferry? Yeah, on the ferry. I didn't even know that they played movies. This is when I was in middle school. How little is there to do on a boat?

Like, you fucking watch the Goonies. Yeah, there's no TV screens on the ferry. I did a Catalina trip, and it was like 48 hours. And we were doing activities the whole time. On the boat? Yeah. What was the activity you did? Just like knots and shit, pulling ropes.

Be on a boat. Look at waves, learn about shit. I think you took a different ferry, because the ferry I was on, you could watch the Goonies or throw up. Wow. There was not a lot of... You could stare at other people throwing up, but the only entertainment was like a 12-inch screen. It was barely not black and white. Playing the Goonies,

it was like everyone talking about this stupid fucking movie. So I'm going to watch this movie. It was the ideal circumstances to see the Goonies. Yeah. I was trying to distract myself from my stomach, and it didn't work. Yeah. Well, I would imagine it probably made it way worse

because you're focusing on this still image that's moving. And the rocking of the waves is what's fucking you. But aren't you supposed to stare at the moon when you get seasick? Tom, don't you remember when I got seasick? You're supposed to stare at the horizon. This happened to us. I got car sick watching porn in your sister's backseat when we were driving the van. That's right.

That was literally the exact same thing as the goonies on the boat. I was watching porn with your sister in a car. No, you don't watch stories with her. She was driving. She was up front. All right? I want that clear and stated on the record. Yeah.

And I had headphones on for a job. Yeah, and you kept telling us you had work to do. I did, yeah. It was a pretty funny bit, guys. I was like, keep it down. I'm working. And I just would turn around in and Ninja Turtle getting fucked in the ass oh yeah that's right

oh yeah yeah yeah that's right let's take a look back at some of our favorite Mean Boys moments a little clip show yeah that was a fun trip yeah there was a lot of vehicles what the shit

it's the Hey, Ramdog. It's the big ass Ramdog. Hey, look who popped in for the Dave Ross episode. Good to see you, buddy. It's our Kramer. Yeah. I know. I almost didn't recognize you.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry, dude. Pass him a mic and you can take mine. What's going on, guys? I just got back from the road. We're recording a podcast with Dave Ross and Ramsey Bedali is joining us. I heard your insane ramblings from the driveway. Oh, they're recording an episode right now.

So many crazy stories. They think it's weird that I lit my hair on fire. Yeah, that's not... We don't. Well, nobody thinks it's weird. No one thinks it's weird. If you said that, we were like, well, that's fine. It's the hot dog party.

It's the way the comedy lies. I just like that Ramsey was coming to collect some overdue bills that were yelling at him, and then he just heard, what is a boat really? From the back of the house. And he thought, oh, those mean boys. Boats are just pain leaving the body. My favorite moment thus far, I think, was I was like, I threw up on the Catalina Ferry. He was like, me too, because of the Goonies.

The Mean Boys Podcast is sponsored by the Himalaya Podcasting app. Now, look, you can listen to podcasts a lot of places. There's a lot of ways to listen to it. Maybe you have sort of a standard go-to that you do. But you know what? They're all bullshit compared to Himalaya. Himalaya's the top of the line as far as podcasting apps go. It's got... Wait, hang

on a second. Okay, cool. I'll be right back. Mr. Ear here to tell you about Himalaya Podcast. Yeah, did you hear with your ear those sound effects? You for more fun sounds, go to Himalaya Podcast again. We were so insistent that it isn't a pun

but like it's a pun. It's like did you see the cat in the house? You receive puns with your ears and receive it through your ears to your heart, which is how I process and you process your podcast. Ears are connected directly to the heart.

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Oh, a graphic interface pleasing to your eye. Oh, and ears. And if I had something I wanted for Christmas, do you do that too? Oh, that's a different guy. Oh, okay, cool. Just in charge of eye-related shit. Oh, he's got the big white beard. Wait, Santa, have you had to take a second job because Democrats are killing

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sorts of like buttons and comments. You can even make playlists. Dr. I tells me about it all the time. I just listen with my ears to the episodes of podcasts. And I see with my eye that I am, I think, a list of episodes to play. Yes. What a team. Together we make a whole face.

If only Commander Mouth was here. Go to Himalaya Podcasting. What's up, you guys? Commander Mouth. Talk about Himalaya Podcasting App. What's up, you guys? Commander, we're talking about Himalaya. Tell us more. Yo, man, it's the best app for listening to podcasts. Oh, joyous day.

So glad to see you've joined us. All of my neighbors are here. Thank you. Anyway, you can download Himalaya right now on the fucking app store. The Himalaya app! Mouth out! Ear out. Well, the Mean Boys podcast

is back, everybody. Irish ladies do that. She was Irish to justify a long story about dog beating that took place at Tom's Airbnb. I couldn't lose. There was once upon a time a dog got beat. I think that abuse in at Tom's Airbnb. I couldn't lose. I have a really long story. There was once upon a time a dog got beat. Oh, yeah. Well, I think that abuse in an animal lasts forever.

So I think they're all long stories. I like to think they suffer for a really long time. Well, no, and that's why I'm raising awareness about this important issue by Byron Allen and Tom's story. So, Tom, I heard you saw some bitch hit a dog. Irish ladies just beat dogs. And that's just like Irish. Weird stereotype.

Is that true? Irish people beat everything. They hit's just like Irish. Weird stereotype. Is that true? Irish people beat everything. They hate things. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm truly asking from a place of pure ignorance. I don't have any clue if that's true or not. They beat federal buildings with bombs.

Oh, sure they do. Sure. They beat a lot of cars with bombs. They beat their own life with alcohol. They do that. Yep. Which is eat the momentum of the podcast with jokes like this. ours with bombs. They beat their own life with alcohol. They do that, yep. The man... Which is...

Beat the momentum of the podcast with jokes like this. The dad, the bad... The dad beats the wife, the wife beats the dog on the hole in the bottom of the... I fucking... This is so sad.

This is very sad now. I told you... Well, yeah, I was like, I wasn't going to bring it up because it was a bummer. I was like, did somebody say anguish? Jagged in a wave of bummers.

The worst Airbnb guy I ever had was this dude that was a Bert Kreischer fan that found out I was a comedian and kept coming into my room while I was jacking off to tell me Bert Kreischer jokes. He's like, have you heard the machine story? And I'm like, had to slide laptop up over cock, cock out, laptop is my pants. Wow. Talking to this man who's that far away, like the door, and he's just like, do you know the machine story? I'm like, yeah, no, yeah, I'm just kind of working on stuff right now. He's like, let me do it for you in its entirety.

Here's where you fucked up. By hiding your cock, you receded dominance. If your cock was out, he would have been like, ah, cock's out, and would have told this story to somebody else. They've done studies that Airbnbs react like some gorilla tribes. Yeah. So you can assert dominance. If you show your teeth to an Airbnb host, he's legally allowed to do it. If you're Dix out in an Airbnb, are they going to talk to you about Bert Kreischer? Are they going to talk to you about Bert Kreischer?

Are they going to talk to you about Bert Kreischer? Oh, man. You know what I'm saying? Maybe he just laughed his glasses off his skull. He broke me. I was thinking about Osama bin Laden's son's letters as I walked in here, and now I've completely forgotten them. What the fuck? I was just reading them

and I was sad. And Tom just broke me. You're like, oh, those poor guys, they lost their dad. Oh, man, all 19 of their palaces. Dave, this is the realest house experience you've had out of the three episodes. I love it, dude. I also love this.

A guy that doesn't live here showed up. Who let Ramsey in? Yeah. A guy that doesn't live here showed up. Keith has posed sexually on the mattress. Tom hasn't slept in days. The way that you posed it to Ramsey was like metaphorical. It was like you were trying to ask him a big philosophical question. Okay, so you're in an Airbnb. Cock out.

Guy walks in. Does he like Bert Kreischer? Go. Ramsey, guy walks in. Does he like Bert Kreischer? Go. Randy, answer the question. He asked it to me like he was the worst Larry King ever. Yeah, yeah. Totally. This week on I Made It Weird. Nightmare I had in Tallahassee.

You're on the air. Easy at Bert Kreischer fans. Connected it. You're on the air. Easy at Bird Crusher fans. Connected it. You're on the air. So I was on a train. Was it a boat? Was this train a boat? Answer now.

Ramsey, it's a yes or no question. Let's go to line four. He holds the mic out. It's a microwave. There's no phone for miles. It's time to play our favorite game, train or boat. Did you guys know he was program filmed on Viewmaster. So your cock's out at an Airbnb.

Train or boat. Did you guys all answer this Chinese riddle? I don't even... No, it's literally just a story Connor told. Connor was intruded by the host of an Airbnb who wanted to talk about Burt Kreischer while he was watching porn.

And Connor was like, I got to hide my cock. And I'm like, you got to let it out. He said it like that. And then, oh, fellas. I'm like, if you hide the cock, he's going to want to talk. If it's out, he's going to leave. Every Tom sentence is – or every Tom story is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie where you go like, oh, I think I see the logic. Water. Based on Tom's logic about how cocks work, I really want a burglar to break into this house and just chase him out with your dick.

I also like the logic that – I guess that is sound logic, but basically what you're saying is if you show someone your dick, they'll leave. Yeah. If you, like, commit. Or they'll get way closer to you, one or the other. Sure. Well, yeah, there's no guarantee that guy would leave for sure. Yeah, he could have flown you.

So you would have pulled your cock out of the train when that guy took your armrest. Why didn't you cock fucking flash the armrest thief? I was about to. You were. Yeah, but that's assault. Yes. If your cock's already out. Oh, that's true. He's coming into your space.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I studied rape law. No, because what you're suggesting is me. I'm just a simple rape lawyer. You're suggesting I penetrate the Mexican man's space with my penis. I'm suggesting that you don't retreat your cock. From the battlefield. Yes.

He stumbled upon your penis. That's on him. I got an idea for you. He did the stumbling. I think I got a solution for you, Tom. What if you, when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you pull your cock out, so then when he comes back, he's now intruding? If he went to the bathroom, I could have got my foot rest back, and I wouldn't have to pull my dick out at all.

My favorite sentence ever. Best sentence ever. Best sentence ever. Best sentence ever said, ever. If he went to the bathroom, I wouldn't have to pull my... Oh, my God. But I counted the bait point. Holy shit. If you went to the bathroom I wouldn't have to pull my Oh my god But I got it I counted the bait point

Holy shit Wouldn't you want to show A little dominance To make sure you wouldn't Try to take it back again No Why don't you put your dick On the footrest

He doesn't care if he's dominant Or not He just wants the footrest Yeah that's really I'm not greedy I just want I don't want dominance And a footrest

Yeah I want everything Everybody else wants Either Look it's either Dick room or foot room I'll go to the footrest. Yeah. I want everything everybody else wants, man. Either, look, it's either dick room or foot room. I ain't no killer. I'll go foot room first.

I never told anyone to kill anybody, man. I haven't. I'm just a guy. We were just out there making music. I never pulled my cock out for a footrest on us. I don't need to, man. I'm bigger than life. I'm Satan.

I am God. I am your dad, bagel boss. Bad reactions to your penis? He's got a tattoo of a dick on his forehead. My cock never left my pants, ladies and God. I am your dad, bagel boss. Bad reaction, sir penis? My cock never left my pants, ladies and gentlemen. I'm imagining that's what that guy's saying to Tom with his foot on the footrest. I am God, motherfucker. This is my fucking footrest, you piece of shit. Pull your fucking cock out.

See what happens. Could you pick up any Spanish that he's saying? No, I couldn't. You know why I'm taking your footrest? Because this is a boat. International cock law is very confusing. You don't want to mess up.

Maritime cock law. And as we've established, everywhere Tom is is a boat. I think he stole my cigarettes, too. Oh, he did? I think he did.

Because... Tom, were you actually in jail? No. Oh, it wasn't a train or a boat. Every story you've told so far makes so much sense when you were in jail.

Yeah. Totally. I put my cigarettes. My girlfriend was a guy. I ate 7-Eleven hot dogs. I put the cigarettes in the chair. You know how they have the little thing in the chair? You bought a ticket for the cigarettes.

No, I put the cigarettes in the chair. There you go, honey. There you are. It's hard to- All right, let me buckle you in. It's hard to... Alright, let me buckle you in. It's hard to sleep with shit in your pockets. Yeah, of course. So I put the stuff in there, and then when I woke up, I was like, oh, there's

empty seats, so I just went to an empty one. I come back, my fucking smokes are gone, and then I was like, did you... Dude. The good part about the story is he's Mexican, so I was trying to figure out how to communicate this to him. I kept pointing the chair and going, and then pointing to him.

He thought you wanted to suck his little ass dick. He thought you wanted to suck his tiny Mexican cock. Oh, my God, dude. There's no wonder he took your foot rest. He's like, get this fucking guy away from me. This is right before we get to Union Station. I'm like, did you smoke? Did you take my smokes?

And then his wife, who was in front of us, got her legs in the overhead compartment. And his wife, who was the captain of the boat. Yeah. I threw it. And his wife said, rough, rough. Yeah. And then they were like, oh, no, the train lady took them. Oh, okay.

And I was like, really? One of Danny Carvey's best characters. The train lady. Yeah, and they were like, yeah, she grabbed a bunch of trash, and she thought they were trash. That was like 83% full pack of cigarettes. That doesn't feel like trash. 83.

Yeah. Well, that's like seven't feel like trash. Yeah, well, that's a fucking seven bucks worth at least. Not when you buy them in Texas. Not at Bucky's. Thank you for shopping at Bucky's. Bucky's has the lowest price cigarettes. I got a Bucky's sticker on my laptop. I represent.

What's Bucky's deal? Regional gas station chain. It's Willy Wonka's chocolate factory for dumb shit white trash people. It literally is Wonka's Chocolate Factory for dumb shit white trash people eat. It literally is a 7-Eleven the size of a Target. They sell fucking furniture in this gas station. Yeah, yeah. Just in case

you wanted to get a futon on your way to Houston. Yeah. Yeah. We're going for the same thing. We were. Sorry I talked over you. Sorry I talked over you. That's their logo is the little chipmunk thing. Or wood badger. That's our third conversation on the podcast. We're talking about animals.

On the lighter. All right, okay. Shut the fuck up, man. We're talking about animals. We're zoo files, fuckface. I like Tom because sometimes Tom thinks if he just makes himself louder, it gets more logical. Like he's scaring a bear.

You don't get it. Shoes are a state of mind. Oh, fuck. Should we get into the Mexican joke? You guys haven't even started the Mexican joke. I thought I was entering in segment three. No, they asked me for road stories. We got in the mile-long club.

We talked about, I set my hair on fire trying to make a hot dog. I love this summary. I like that you keep doing a recap of the show we're doing. We talked about Goonies Vomit. You made a guest appearance. You're here. You continue to be here. I'm currently talking to you.

I burn train cock up and everywhere. Doug Byrne, train cock hopping everywhere. Doug Stano hosted my show in Bisbee. Yeah. Wow. This is just in case someone's listening who's like, I'm going to start at minute 30. I got here with Titus L. Don't catch me up. Some old lady was very racist on the train about immigrants in El Paso.

Yeah. Who's going to take away the jokes? I'll bite the train about immigrants in El Paso. Yeah. Yeah. Who's going to take away the jokes? I'll bite the bullet and start this week. Okay. Illinois schools will now teach LGBT history in classes. See, you were right, kid who vandalized their history books. School is gay.

School is gay. I would like to go next, guys. You know, bad news, guys. Domino's has announced they're closing over 500 dine-in franchises. Now they'll just have to be like Keith Carey and rely on their shitty delivery. Oh. I forgot to copy-paste the joke, so I had to do it from memory. I was like, oh, shit, I don't remember.

Give me more fucking month one roast battle jokes. That's the one you write on the way to a real joke. It was topical. It had pizza. I'm not going to roll over and be like, good burn. No, you should. Help me out here. I'm a guy.

I do a lot of podcasting. I wrote these jokes on the train while arguing with a Mexican man. So now it's a train. So now it's a train again. Yeah. It was always a train. They asked me if I took a boat and I couldn't remember.

There was a man who was talking about a boat and that's why I got mixed up. The first joke is, please don't make me suck your dick, mister. Oh, I didn't realize I was writing this. All right, I'm up. I'm up. All right.

Last week, a miracle happened. Ten people no longer have to live in Dayton, Ohio. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Dude, what? Wow. Holy fucking shit, dude. Fuck.

My favorite thing about Tom is Tom has no idea how to write a six joke. He can only write a zero or a ten. Yeah. He can only write one that makes no sense or it's the best joke you've ever heard. There's a lot of zeros coming up. We were talking today in the room about Sandy Hook and just about how sad it was that we lost so many amazing young actors on that day. My God. Rosa, our researcher,

was making me laugh about that. Oh, all right. My turn? All right, yeah. Let's fucking... Let's do it. I like to get everybody amped. Georgia Southern quarterback Shai Wurtz was recently pulled over for speeding

and arrested for having cocaine on the hood of his car. Wurtz was promptly released when a lab test revealed that the substance on his car was actually bird poop. This is real. Everything up until right there, that's real. When asked for a comment, Saluda County Sheriff's deputy responded, Look, fuck you, man. I'm not stupid, okay? Sometimes people do lines off the hood of their car. And then they forget to it off and then they drive and the code and then cocaine is really sticky.

OK, man, it sticks on the hood even if you drive really fast. After countless calls and emails with no response, we were finally able to catch up with sheriff with the actual sheriff of Saluda County, South Carolina himself. And he had this to comment. I'm going to level with you. I'm racist. I just am. At this point, there's no hiding the fact that I'm racist. I hate black people, and I teach my deputies to hate black people, too. I mean, yeah, if there's white stuff on the hood of a car, that is for sure bird shit. There's no way it's anything else. I mean, yeah, people do cocaine off the hood of their car, but it would blow off, especially if you're driving really fast.

So that was pretty stupid of my deputies to think they could get away with that. I should probably hire my deputies to think they could get away with that. I should probably hire smarter deputies. But then if I did that, they wouldn't be as susceptible to manipulation, and it would be way harder to make them racist. It's a double-edged sword, you know. And that's the end of the quote. We were pretty amazed we got that quote from him, and then he just kept talking and talking and being so honest, you know.

It's pretty uncharacteristic of someone who's so bigoted to just open up about their extreme hate, but I guess that's just the crazy time we live in right now. Oh, dude. Wow. Whoa, I'm voting this for a fucking meanie, dude. This is good stuff. You're like the only comedy jam band. Just fucking shredding guitars solo.

The first time I did the show, I wrote a really, really long joke, and now every time I come back, I try to write a really long one. David, we thank you for it. Hey, thank you for having me. That was fantastic. Just one, every single time you thought you were out of that joke, you were back in. You were back in twice as hard. At first, I was like, I got it. And then I was like,

maybe I don't. And then I was like, I definitely didn't get this part. You're a real cocksucker. Now I gotta follow it with a fucking pithy one-liner. I'll do that Domino's joke again. Ah, great. Maybe it'll be good this time. The real cocksucker of it is now I gotta follow with a fucking pithy one-liner. I'll do that dominoes joke again. Ah, great. Maybe it'll be good this time. Beyonce's Vogue portrait will hang in the Smithsonian.

This opens the door for other hip-hop art exhibits, including France's Louvre, bitch. Get out the way. Louvre. I like that. Louvre, bitch. I like that.

Really didn't earn the right to shit on that dominoes joke. I was trying to set you up by being self-deprecating And then you threw me under the bus Which means I'm going to have to do the Domino's joke again Alright, well Change the pizza this time No Well, in pizza-related news

They actually released a list of Jeffrey Epstein's murder suspects And it's in Forbes magazine So That's his clients Yeah Imagine the cartoon bears Wait, what's that have to do with pizza? Pizza gate, dude Forbes magazine. So that's his clients. Imagine the cartoon bears. Wait, what's that have to do with pizza?

Pizza gate, dude. You're too into the train boxcar lifestyle. You're out of touch with the news. I forget which rapes are real and which aren't anymore. Turns out they're all real is what we're learning on the series. The series finale of rape is that everyone is real. It's just one episode. You keep saying my favorite sentence.

It just keeps beating the last one. My go-to is to believe all of them, but pizza never hurt anybody. Well, dude, John Locke is the smoke monster and Hillary Clinton needs babies. It's all fucking happening. Speaking of babies, a woman murdered her three daughters that got in the way of her love life. But to be fair, it isn't difficult to get laid in prison. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta fuck somewhere.

She won that one. Her dead kids did not. She's trying to clam for the rest of her life. Fuck, dude. Oh, man. What's that? That's not the mile-long club. What's fucking in front of a baby

in prison? Eating pussy in prison? Yeah. Oh, the mile-deep club? Yeah. What happened? Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking about mile-long club. Sure. That's why I call getting laid on a train. Right. Previously on Me Boys.

Tom is recapping for everybody who skipped past the Himalaya ads. It's just for you. It's for you, baby. I love my Ramsey. Yeah, dude. It's a great podcasting app. Alright. Verizon just sold Tumblr

to WordPress, so let that serve as a reminder that all kinds of stuff is always happening. I literally read that story and was like, why the fuck did I read that? What a useless piece of information I have. What do you mean? What the fuck, dude?

How is your life changed other than being slightly shorter? Cool. WordPress owns Tumblr. I'll just blow my fucking brains out now. What a waste blow my fucking brains out now. Adjust accordingly, everybody. What a waste of my fucking time. No way. I bet there's going to be results of some sort. Ooh.

A new study. The same amount of people are going to be reading blogs. Yeah. A new study claims that self-driving cars will lead to more sex in cars. The study was published in the New England Journal of shit that's pretty tight. All right, all right. All right, this here, the 433rd issue of shit that's pretty fucking tight magazine. A salute to guitar solos.

Ten tits for the summer. Eleven tits. You got to know who only gets one in. Oh, yeah. Well, he faxes into shit that's fucking cool, man. All right, guys. Well, grain from Chernobyl that's radioactive has been distilled and made into vodka, which means the Four Loko original recipe's coming back, guys.

We're getting at it again. It's like the McRib. They found some more. I like Four Loko extra crispy. Oh, dude. Someone has to have made Four Loko breaded chicken by now, right? 100%. That's for sure.

That's genius. You marinate a hot dog in that. You throw it in the firebox. You get it from El Pollo Loco. That's where it's Four Loko. El Pollo Four Loko. It's Four Loko squared. You do what everybody does to you by an uncooked hot dog from El Pollo Loco.

What, you guys don't barbecue your four locos? They have a good deli section and nobody's talking about it. All right. A Georgia teen was sentenced to life after killing his sister for the Wi-Fi password. Ironically, the Wi-Fi password was kill me, I'm your sister, murder me, your sister. 911-69-420. The real star of that joke was Tom saying the word Wi-Fi twice. I asked him for the Wi-Fi password.

The Wi-Fi! Did I ever tell you guys about me and Opie's idea to open up the El Pollo Loco, but where all the chicks have to wear bikinis? What? We never told you about that? No. Los Ehuders? We had an idea, yeah.

We went to an El Pollo Loco in Buena Park and we noticed all the chicks who worked there were super hot. So we thought it would be really cool to open up an El Pollo Loco where all the chicks wear bikinis. This isn't an idea. Yeah, this is not an idea. This exists already. This exists in a lot of places.

Your idea was, what if these chicks were more naked? Well, some... You're describing it as a worse hooters. Yeah, totally. Well, some, I mean, I see your point. Yeah, yeah. It's... You just wanted to see naked women that day.

Well, I could see that. Yeah, yeah. But your idea, now what are the other features? Tell us on it. Well, some of the features that we thought would be interesting was you'd see a lot of horrible burn scars on the women. Okay. Working the broiler. Yeah.

That's dangerous. So that would be pretty impressive. My buddy Marcus worked at Little Caesars and he burned the sword into his arm on accident. He burned himself twice, and it looked like a sword. So then he kept burning himself, so he has a sword on his forearm. That's fucking awesome. That also is true about this guy. He can do a backflip.

That man is amazing. This guy's hardcore. If you walk into a Little Caesars and you can do a backflip, they make you the manager. You own that Little Caesars. Some old guy shuffles out of the back. He's like, I haven't been challenged in years. I'm not ready for this. If I can't complete it, I must sign over the deed to the whole Little Caesars.

Oh, no, I failed you large, Caesar. He has a little cross on his neck, and it's a little gold cross, but the Little Caesars guy is on it. He has an emotional moment with it. He tucks me back into his tank top. One tear rolls down Little Caesars. He's weirdly authentically Italian for Little Caesars guy is on it. He has an emotional moment with it. He tucks me back into his tank top. One tear rolls down Little Caesars. He's weirdly authentically Italian for Little Caesars. All right, is it me?

I think it's me. It was just revealed that there have been gaps in supervision at the prison Jeffrey Epstein was staying in due to recent staff shortages. Yeah, apparently a bunch of guards were fired when they killed Jeffrey Epstein was staying in due to recent staff shortages. Yeah, apparently a bunch of guards were fired when they killed Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, dude. Lindsay Lohan has been hanging out with the Prince of Saudi Arabia. She fits in in Saudi Arabia since she's also not legally allowed to drive. They don't let chicks do stuff there. They have to.

Because. Lindsay just did the Arsenio Hall Whoop whoop whoop You know how it works In Saudi Arabia Like you know how When you get a DUI You gotta blow in the tube

Alright In Saudi Arabia They have a fleshlight You have to fuck If you wanna start your car To prove you're a man You know what I mean If you gotta make this

You gotta fill the fleshlight Up with cum Before you can fucking Turn the ignition It's their DUI breathalyzer It feels like you can cheat that With just a tube of toothpaste. Nah, man, it's got sensors.

They have oil money. You gotta remember. You guys mind moving on? I literally just read Osama Bin Laden's son's letter. It's a sore subject for me. Is he a good writer? Beautiful writer, dude. I literally teared up in the car. I was listening to the New York Daily going,

man, the New York Times Daily. Oh, yeah, I heard that episode. It's beautiful, man. I'll tellared up in the car. I was listening to the New York Daily going, man, the New York Times Daily. It was really good. Oh, yeah. I heard that episode. It's beautiful, man. I'll tell you guys about it later. Man, you guys both have Amazon Alexas. His dad died, right?

Yeah. No. Damn. I thought that just was the one that the other- I don't even know what that was. I thought that was the podcast that Alexa played when it said, play me the news. Because I've met people with Alexas that listen to it. I have just a thick, thick just fucking just tons of like

failed now is not the time things I've done one of the ones that I did was I did convince a chick that I was Osama bin Laden son and then I was hanging out in I was like I was hanging out in a hotel or something what she sent me nudes like she was like really into it yeah she got to a point it got it got really amazing it got scary yeah no it got to a point i couldn't release also i'll show you like yeah first time i'm hearing about what the fuck man where i'm like i think i may have committed like several crimes which is and the government has felonies on this podcast before and the government is asking you for back taxes and not this hey Hey, by the way, did you pay those off yet? No.

No, they've stopped contacting me, which means that maybe I'm in more trouble. Yeah, that's – Ramsey forged my identity and signed me up as the head of an organization called the Kevin Spacey Didn't Do It Foundation for the Learning Arts. What? Is that true? It is, yeah. And now I keep getting letters from the California tax board saying I owe them a bunch of money. Well, hold on. Who doesn't have a schematic of their nonprofit on hand?

We've been over this so many times. My favorite part of this is Ramsey also signed for Vice President Mike Pence, and he wrote his address as the White House. The California tax board accepted this. They just took it. So I technically run a nonprofit. With Mike Pence. Yeah. Wow. Holy shit, Ramsey. That just took it. So I technically run a non-profit. With Mike Pence. Yeah.

Wow. Holy shit, Ramsey. That's so funny. Yeah. Fuck, dude. Whose turn is it? I think it's my turn. Yeah.

How do I follow that? I guess like, there's a Philadelphia baseball fan holding his baby, caught a foul ball with the other hand. Now, Pat Barker says he plans to sell the baby

and put it towards the baseball's college education. Sorry. with the other hand. Now, Pat Barker says he plans to sell the baby and put it towards the baseball's college education. That's what you do to be a guy we know. Yeah. Well, he's from Philly. Yeah, I know. He listens to the show. I like to say hi to people with jokes.

An English actress claims she is always mistaken for her 17-year-old son's sexy sister. But due to her son's skin disease, he looks like he's 87, so not really a compliment. I got distracted in that joke because I thought you were saying that the son's name was sexy sister. I misread it, and then I tried to autopilot, and it didn't work. You know when you try to autopilot?

When you manually autopilot? When you let your mouth do the words instead of the brain. And then you just see what happens. It's simple, children. When you let your mouth do the words instead of the brain. You let the mouth do your words instead of your brain. Sometimes when things are going good, you go brain, mouth. And the steel drum band runs in from the Girls Gone Wild commercial next door.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Damn, dude. I miss those commercials. Dude, I love those. I'm just coming so hard to those commercials. You had 30 seconds to blast it out.

That's the first thing I jerked off to at my hockey coach's attic. Yeah. See, it's always the other detail. It's the other detail. It's the second detail. It's never the thing you did at the very end. Yes, we all jerked off to the Girls Gone Wild videos, but we didn't all do it in our hockey coaches' head. Okay, you took a shit on a car, but it was a full moon.

Of course it was. All right. Tom would come for the first time near fiberglass. Yeah. It wasn't the first time I came. It was the first time coming to something, and I was, yeah, two other hockey players were also in the room. Get up and dance with somebody. I ruined those sheets.

They were mine. They were my hockey coaches. The first come is always the worst. It's always the most condensed. It's been marinating for decades in your balls. The first come is the deepest. Oh, wow. We got an episode title.

Whose turn is it? It's my turn. Alanis Morissette and her husband Mario Treadway just had their third child, Winter Mercy Morissette Treadway. We caught up with the couple for an interview about their newborn and learned that they have a little bit of an unconventional method of naming their children. What we do is Alanis said, we spin a globe, stop the globe with one

finger, then whatever country we're pointing to, we vacation in that country because we can afford it because we're still famous. People don't think I'm famous but I'm famous. Then we're in that country,'re still famous. People don't think I'm famous, but I'm famous. Then we're in that country, we have sex, lots of sex. I'm very sexual, if you couldn't tell from my music. And I also eat a lot of interesting foods,

and I like a lot of other cultures just in general. And so anyway, we travel, and we have sex, and we eat food, and we drink out of rivers and stuff, and then eventually we have to go to the hospital, and we name our kid whatever we scream at the doctor. So yeah, that was a real interview we did What's her husband's name? What path? Mario Treadway Fucking Jimmy Bond, Otto Bond

Think of a fake name in four seconds Mario Treadway Me and my life partner, Drew Stairmaster Man, medical treatment Marcus LeSidewalk This one sucks Austria has purchased the building where Hitler was born To make sure it doesn't become a neo-nazi

Destination Sounds good until you find out they're planning on turning it into a bakery Okay What do we want We want pork or Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah, pork. Combine them. Jeffrey Epstein porked a bunch of kids today.

Is that the joke? Dude, what the fuck, man? I worked so hard on that one. So did he. Dude, we all just, we look like a couple assholes. No, two brothers raised $11,000 for cancer after auctioning off a 230-pound hog. I just think that 230 pounds of pork causes more cancer than $11,000 cures. You know what I mean?

Like, there's no real cure for cancer. They're just like, they're giving people painkillers. And 230 pounds of pork, that's enough to put me 10% closer to something. Man, that was a lot of math. Let's have a joke more of a chart. I liked it, though. Yeah, it was clever. Thanks, man.

Thanks for coming to Connor's Music Corner. Yeah, nice voice. And then you do a 30-second PowerPoint presentation about how it makes sense. So actually, though the laugh quotients are down this quarter, cleverness is up 30%. David Spade took all the good ones. Jeffrey Epstein has allegedly died from suicide. Apparently

he's well hung to more than just children. Thank you Dave That's not a bad joke I swear to god We did that joke On the show last week Are you serious Aw damn it

Aw that's Okay It's not a bad joke I just have heard that joke already No We've been rehearsals Over and over again Yeah

Well I wasn't there You weren't there I wasn't like You fucking thief Yeah I was gonna do one I tweeted And I was like Do your pig skit, Connor. Yeah.

All right, Dave, close it out strong. I'm fucking out of jokes, dude. I did not. Close it out strong. I didn't. Look, Dave thought it was funny. Because Dave didn't know you guys thought of the thing that I thought of. Or he was humoring me.

Which is. You know what? I'm not going to let you know which one it is. I'll forget about it. That's fine. My fucking brain hurts. I have to pee. Okay.

That was one of the funniest things Keith Ray said. He's on stage. He was like, I had to pee so bad my dick was hurting. And then he didn't explain it like that was a normal thing that your dick would hurt because you had to pee. That is normal. No, your bladder hurt. You're inside the... Yeah, I agree.

Inside. Like, if your dick's a volcano, it's underneath the surface. I get a Bernie pee hole sensation. Okay, well, that's... Bernie pee hole. I voted for him in the... Ah, there it is. The top 1% of the cock is where the pee hole is. There it is. The top 1% of the cock is where the P-hole is.

Do most people? The bottom 99% of the cock. No P-holes. Wait. A man in the P-holes. Sorry. I don't... We're legislating the entire cock based on the P-hole.

Elizabeth Uren is a fine candidate. I worked with Elizabeth Uine in the Senate. But I believe the Bernie Peehole platform is one we need to defeat Donald Trump. What Senator Butthole O'Rourke does. Wait, so your guys' dicks hurt too when you have to pee? Cockle of Harris. Now I'm worried about my dick sensations No I don't think my dick hurts when I have to pee

Cause I have to pee my dick's fine I probably got a worse dick than you man I didn't want to be disingenuous In anybody's pissing experience It's under the dick that hurts right now Under the dick Like your balls What's under your dick

Worst Red Hot Chili Pepper song ever. You still have to pee. We got to go to break. Tom's got to pee. Yeah, no, no. In terms of vertical up and down. Tom, we're trying to let you go pee. I have to pee.

You're describing your dick pain. If you look at the piss roller coaster, I just decided it exists. All right. Well, that was the Mexican joke off, guys. The innards of your game. Yep. The innards. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns and it's time to answer your questions, listen to your voicemails, all that and more on the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys

mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag.

It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. Catty's dead. Send us a voicemail or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking mean boy's monster band. Here's what happens 80% of the time we do this show. We leave two seconds of silence.

We would put the jingle, and then everyone gets very uncomfortable with that silence. They just do the jingle. Yeah, and I mixed it up. Yeah. You did the exact thing I just said. Well, yeah, but I did the sing-along. Yeah, well, we have a lot of questions in the mailbag. You wouldn't know that from the intro.

Existential Shred at Jesse Wagner says, Will Dave and Hampton be covering Jeff Epstein's Definitely Real Suicide? Oh, yeah. Probably not. It'll come up on the show. If you don't know what he's asking, Hampton Young and I have a suicide podcast called Suicide Buddies, and we talk about someone in history every week

who committed suicide. But I personally, I don't I really don't like talking about recent suicides. Because it just like... Dust hasn't settled. In this case, it's not as bad. You're worried about upsetting his family.

Jeffrey Epstein's... He's got a lot of kids. He's got over 200 kids. Wow. Is that real? Wait, what? I don't know. Dude, no, it definitely isn't. Me and Tom tripped over each other to make the kids joke.

And then you fucking just were like, oh, fucking retarded. You thought he had 200 kids. It'll come up on the show. George Foreman has 13 kids. That's a big number. The idea that Jeffrey Epstein has 200 kids and no one brought it up ever. He fucks underage women that can't have kids.

No, but we were reading about how he has secret cum laboratories where he's trying to spread his genes and shit. Is it true? Yeah, it is true. He wanted to see the human race with his DNA. Normal shit? He's paying his taxes?

He's like a guy who would have 200 kids. I also have believed it. You're making an eloquent point about suicide. Yeah, we're not eloquent at all. We're about kids.

We're about obvious jokes. We're not eloquent at all. Nope. We're about kids. We're about obvious jokes. Yeah. We're about. Low hanging fruit. Interrupting our guests. Giving us. That's not a nice thing to call those children. I'm here for it.

Okay. So you. Yeah. You wouldn't do. It does make sense not to do recent suicide. It's a little different with him because obviously like. He's a bad guy. He's such an abhorrent life.

Yeah. But I don't know. There's just something about it. That's not really what the podcast is for. That's like a comedy just like dunk on the guyrent life. Yeah. But I don't know. There's just something about it. And it's not really what the podcast is for. That's like a comedy just like dunk on the guy's suicide. Yeah. That was actually a murder. Right.

As opposed to this is about people that have experienced suicidal feelings, that cope with it through comedy to some extent, and discuss it with the gravity that it deserves in an And you really can't talk about Jeffrey Epstein without talking about a whole other slew of types of trauma that we don't really want to fuck around with. You know what I mean? Right. So, yeah. Well, and the other thing is every single other podcast is talking about it right now.

It's true. Including this one, unfortunately. Come take a vacation on Suicide Buddies Island. The thing that's really fucked up to me about this story, by the way, is have you noticed how much work is being put into finding out how he died? It's way more work that they put into fucking prosecuting him. You know what I mean? No, the whole thing is weird. It's so fucking crazy.

Well, I mean, the attorney general, like, it goes all the way up. And they gave him, like, such a fucking sweetheart deal where he was, like, he went to jail, like, once a week. Like, it was, like, a parole officer. Yeah, he left to go to work. Yeah, yeah. Dude. Anyway.

Yeah, but, I mean, I want to know how he died. I he would have fucking want to know it's true we're not going to i know dark kamonkola says uh he just got a vasectomy i guess would any of us get a vasectomy i would yeah i've thought about i mean i don't know like i it's never would you freeze some jizz would i freeze jizz? Like, for fun. Like I have cum into my freezer. You spit-taked me, you piece of shit. Because I'm sexually attracted to ice. Let's get funky with the ice tray.

I used to freeze Legos. I used to make Lego worlds and freeze them underwater. That's a different thing. Oh, wow. That's crazy. Oh, no, I was just trying to make you feel normal But fuck you cum freezing weirdo You can't sit with us I was obviously kidding

You're the fucking psycho kid who was that lonely You guys ever freeze your blood That's a good point you were actually kidding I gotta stop smoking pot before I do the podcast What did you say Oh you guys ever freeze your blood No You win by the way.

Win what? Oh, the weird freezing content. Oh, I didn't say I did. I was just curious if you guys had. You said that like you had a great blood freezing story. No, I just always thought about doing it. Yeah, I wanted a vampire popsicle. It would be a fun way to prank somebody.

And what would the prank be? That's not apple juice. That's my blood. That's not apple juice from concentrate. That's Thomas Rosen blood. Why did you just put a pitcher of blood in the regular fridge? Thomas is doing this, by the way, in El Paso in front of the hospital. I'm making a prank.

Andrew Ingram says, what's the weirdest shithole you've performed? Man, I saw that one Keith's ass Man, do you guys have one that comes to mind immediately? Because I do need a second Yeah, we did a homemade strip club in the valley We've talked about it before

But it was just me and some tweakers Built a strip club And like an industrial park Yeah, they built just a strip club under this recording studio There were stripper poles that did not connect to the ceiling. They had nine different posters on the wall, and they were all the same poster from the second Matrix movie. And it was just the more. It was like make an Eyes Wide Shut party, but all you have is this $50 Party City gift card.

Wow. That's fucking insane. You know what? I can tell you what. It wasn't a shithole, but hands down what my weirdest show I ever did was. Keith, you were fucking there. Keith and I did stand up at Fat Mike's 50th birthday party. Oh, yeah.

We've talked about that. Yeah. We had an illegal sex dungeon by the fucking airport. Yeah. Illegal? Yeah, for sure illegal. It didn't seem terribly legal. Oh, whoa.

You do a lot of legal stuff near the airport. They had a series of bouncers at the front that checked you a lot of legal stuff near the airport. They had a series of bouncers at the front that checked you to make sure you were on the list. You couldn't hear anything from outside. And when I was trying to get my girlfriend in, the bouncers were like, no. And I had to go talk to Soma, and she went up and talked to them and got her. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

It was for sure not legal. It's weird that a legal shit... It was for sure not legal because of the fucking shit we saw. Oh, yeah. Or that you saw. I wasn't there. Yeah, you missed the cannibalism, but yeah. That's not legal. You can't go home early, man. I know. I can't believe my life.

You missed the best stuff. You're responsible for one of the hardest I've ever laughed is because you texted me after I talked about that somewhere, and you were like, bro, they didn't really eat a guy, right? And I'm like, yeah, they ate part of a lady's leg. And then you didn't text me for several days. And then eight days later, you went, holy text me for several days and then like eight days later you went holy shit

and I got a whole eight days I was just wandering around in the woods I just pictured you sitting motionless looking at your phone processing sun setting

rising setting rising I should text him back holy shit and then I think you didn't text me again for a year and a half

I had I had a I did a show in Taft. Did I tell this story on the show before? Is it the funeral one? Yeah, I got there. It's a bar venue. It used to be a bank, so the ceilings are super high. We get there.

We're a half hour late. Booker's not there. He shows up in another half hour, says, sorry, I'm late. My neighbor's going to shoot out with the cops. So I had to wait for that to clear up. He goes, we're going to start in 15 minutes, but we're going to open the show with a eulogy memorial for this guy who died today. Were there horses parked outside? With everyone in the bar's friends.

I was like, well, was it sudden? They know it was coming. And he goes, well, he had cancer, but he didn't tell anybody, so it was still a surprise. Whoa. Damn, fucking the Central Valley man. Yeah. There's more. She kills half the bar is neo-Nazis.

I know this because they have shaved heads, boots, and knives, but they look more like swords. Right. And the rest of them are oil workers the show starts it's not going well one of the comics gets in a fight with one of the oil workers the oil worker headbutts the comic on stage the neo-nazis break up the fight and the comic neo nazis are the good guys in this story. I'm sick of these fucking oil workers. They're really turning on everybody. I went up.

There's still blood all over the corner where the stage was supposed to be. And as I'm walking to take the mic, the owner of the bar throws a towel onto the pool of blood like it's so felt. He throws a towel, doesn't even look to see if he hits. It turns around. It hits the blood perfectly. And then I bombed for 30 minutes because I wasn't funnier than a... This dude headbutted like he was a fucking dolphin. Just like he took off from like four feet away from the guy, head first, split his head open. You did 30 standing in a pool of blood. Yeah.

Comedy is so fucked up. You know what's funny, dude, is I keep running through all these places I've performed That are like Shitholes for sure And the show was crazy but it was awesome You know what I mean When I'm trying to picture the weirdest shithole It's not like

Have you guys done Barmageddon and Tulare It's amazing And I love those dudes And I had so much fun, but when I did it, they were like, oh man, there's probably not going to be a lot of people at the show tonight because

our town's sewer system just exploded and two days ago the entire bar was flooded with human shit. That's the county I was born in. Oh, really? I knew that. Usually it's like Led Zepp born in. Oh, really? Yeah. I knew that. Usually it's like Led Zeppegans in town, so they're all going to that.

Actually, that human shit was when your mom's water broke. I went to it. Was that too mean? Okay. Well, she's not here. She can't defend herself. And I'm not going to do it. I'm not her bitch.

What am I, your bitch, mom? I'm not going to do it. I'm not my mom's bitch. Yeah, your bitch, mom? I'm not gonna do it. I'm not my mom's bitch. Yeah, dude. I just shit all over your mom. I'm not gonna defend her. That's her job. She's got a mouth, two legs, two titties, and a heart.

She can defend whoever she wants. There is no one here but you. No arms here but you. That's a way better Braveheart speech. Two legs, two titties, one heart, no arms. I'd say no arms. That's up to your discretion how many arms my mom has. Six.

Six arms. She's got two titties, one heart, and six arms. She's wonderful. My mother is a large-breasted octopus, and I dare you to make fun of her again. My mother is the god Shiva. Bitch climbs shit like a motherfucker. Tarantula mom is an important part of her again. My mother is the god Shiva. Bitch climbs shit like a motherfucker. Tarantula mom is an important part of my life.

Mom, if this is the first episode you decide to listen to, love you. I love you, mom. Mama goss. If you could design a drug that would do whatever you want, what would it do slash feel like? And racism. Wow, what a it do slash feel like? And racism. Wow.

What a tool. Perfect racism. I take a pill and there's no more racism. But if I die, it returns and stronger. That's so funny. Oh, my God. Now, this is how I become immortal. Write this movie.

The top scientists in the world have to keep me alive. They're like, this guy, racism was so bad, we finally nixed it, but he's like the vampire of racism, Andy. Okay, I want a pill that counteracts Cotter's pill. Fuck, dude. Damn, dude. I want a pill that turns trains into boats. Yeah, dude, I want a pill that gives me Tom's life.

You could have it. They have that. It's called A Donkey Kicks You. Have's called a donkey kicks you. Have you done a lot of Seroquel? Yeah. A lot of Seroquel. When you get fucking famous, I'm going to sell tickets to the Tom Goss Experience, all right, where you go to a boarding school and we fill you up with antipsychotics.

It's like an escape room, but there's no escape. You find out one of the schools is run by the Ayn Rand Institute, and then the nurse shakes you by the head against the wall and fills you with drugs. You're in an escape room, but you're the room. For this real Kramer experience, $10,000 a person. You could just go to a psych ward. It's true. Yeah. Have you been to a psych ward?

A bunch of times. I'm the most suicide of the buddy. Oh, what? I was trying to be topical. Or not topical. Logistically close. Absolutely not. All right.

I get it, though. You were suicidal. Yeah, and psychotic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of times. Voicemail! You made it out, man.

Yeah, I used to think I was a Zodiac killer. Did you? Yeah. Were you? That's why I kept trying to kill to think I was the Zodiac Killer. Did you? Yeah. Were you? That's why I kept trying to kill myself. I mean, not yet. Okay. So far, this speaks good.

To be the Zodiac, right? Yeah. Don't start. It's not nobody's the Zodiac Killer. Nobody is. Guys. Well, somebody is. Yeah, one guy was.

Guys, listen to me. Nobody's the Zodiac Killer. We are all the Zodiac Killers. It's not Magneto. It's like a real dude. We all sent those letters to the police. I will not have any shaming of the Zodiac Killer. Is that why you find O'Connor's the Zodiac Killer?

No, he could have been a good man or woman, by the way. Sure. No, he had hairy arms. It could be Zodiac, but it's spelled like Ack from Kathy. It could be the Zodiac Killer. Hi, I'm Wacky Zodiac. This is Zodiac Cloud. What are you talking about?

I was confused. Oh, my God. My diet starts tomorrow. Eating a dead guy. Somebody took my head out of the office fridge. It goes great with the Garfield version, the Odiac killer. Oh, dude, you had to do it to him. We could have stopped at a perfectly humane point, but Kerry had to get one more in.

Let's go to the voicemail line. I always forget there can be new listeners. I swear to God. No, there cannot. We have just been slowly letting our – we've been like, all right, we're locking the doors, and we're going to die together. Okay, voicemail. I'm going to give that a shot. It's really funny when I talk...

Hi, mean boys. I've been wanting to leave a voicemail for a while. I apologize. I know my voice sounds really weird. Are you in a haunted house? I swear I'm an adult. It's really funny when I talk to telemarketers because I can tell them I'm a kid

and then they hang up even though I am solidly a grown woman. Anyway, your podcast is very important to me and has helped me through some really hard times. My little corner of the universe is a tiny bit better because I've heard your podcast. All Your Voices Matter to Me keeps optimism, honors pessimism and obnoxiousness, and Tom's silly but understandable, you know, verbiage. Sounds like Dorothy London, Wizard of Oz. So you're a Keith fan.

Fuck everything. God is dead. I hope you can hear this voicemail. I live in the middle of bum fuck nowhere where people want me dead because I'm a lesbian. All right. Thank you for listening. Bye. Damn.

That was fucking so sweet, man. That was her last recording. That's my favorite ASMR video ever. Wow. Thank you so much. That was fucking beautiful. Yeah, right? Nice.

Even though you really had to reach to give me a compliment. I was at my fingers crossed. I was like, hmm. No, I knew it. It was just positive. She called you positive. Wasn't that it? No, I was the positive.

No, she called Connor pessimistic and obnoxious. Well, here's what it is. She said Connors, and then she opened the thesaurus to the word cunt. She was like, I can't swear. You'll know I'm a lesbian. Yeah, thank you. That's very sweet. And I'm sorry.

I don't know where you said you live, but I'm sorry that they're fucking shitting you for being gay. You don't deserve that. Yeah, that's fucking super lame. Be as gay as you want to be. Yeah. Who is? Fuck you.

Yeah, dude. Especially be gay in the voicemail line. Yeah. That's cool. We like you guys. We like all the gays out there in the voicemail line. Yeah. No.

It is so funny because we are just relentless dumb shits on this show and then our voicemail are all these just very nice queer people from fucking Montana. No, it means a lot to me. Yeah, likewise. Everyone that calls in sounds like, oh, this person has a lot of buttons, you know? What? Every person that calls in is like,

you love adorning things with pins. The gayest of activities? No, not even like it's gay. That's the personality of like, oh, you got some Jader Zim swag. Yeah. You know? You have some personality of like, oh, you got some Jader Zim swag. Yeah. You know? You have some.

All right. Next voicemail. Come on. Hello, Mean Boys. This is Nicholas. I was calling because I had a question for Tom Goss. Hi. Here's the background on it.

Today, I go to lunch at Del Taco. Usually go on my cell phone at work, go to lunch by myself at Del Taco today by myself, sitting in the corner and just minding my own business, eating my food. In comes a lady through the back entrance and she points at every individual also in the restaurant, there's about four or five of us. I've got my headphones in my ear, so I'm not really paying attention. And she points to one person, yells something, points to another person, yells something, points to the other person, yells something. I don't really pay attention. I'm just sitting in the corner. And she walks past me. And just as she's about to leave she points at me and she yells i keep my dogs in this room and then she leaves and i'm i the first thing i thought was like oh i should have sent something back to her five seconds later um i'm listening to a podcast and the host says to the guest

oh yeah i keep my dogs in this room. So that being said, my question for Tom is when is the next episode of Leaving the Tribe coming out? Wow. That was a brilliant misdirect. Well done. I have been on the road, and because I use the same recorder for Mean Boys, I couldn't bring it with me, and I'm bad at planning. So once I get back from Chicago, it will be regularly every week again. So thank you to everyone who's listening to it.

I hear only good stuff about leaving the tribe, man. The people, it's a hit. Yeah, there was a pretty funny one. I was hanging out with Olivia. We were watching one of those murder porn shows and like and uh they were just describing someone being brutally tortured and she goes oh this sounds like your podcast which i thought was pretty funny uh but no i'm really enjoying doing i'm getting a lot out of it i'm glad other people are too i just i feel bad it hasn't been consistent last couple of weeks because of uh i've been trying

to i'm trying to make this album as good as possible. Dave gets it. He's just coming out. Yeah. Yeah, it comes out August 23rd. I should have that more ready to go. You've got to grind it out, man. Leading up to your recording, I did that too.

Yeah, that's why I took this trip. I lost money on this trip. That's worth it. I lost money on the trip running my album too. Yeah. Any tips for the actual recording? Or actually, I'll ask Dr. O'Farrill. I'm losing money going to the album recording. We all are.

No, we all are. That's amazing. That's how fucking great Connor and Keith are. They're coming out to lose money and do what? 15, 20 minute speech? I think you meant 10 minutes. If my cousin was getting married, I wouldn't pay $450 to go. Jesus Christ.

I would not do that. But for Tom Goss' I'm referring to the Mean Boys fans. We love you. And frankly, we've put a lot of expenses on the fans' credit card lately, so it's time to do what we can to give back. Yeah. I had a thing that had like that guy had though one time where i fucking i was just thinking something that popped i was thinking

about that futurama where the fish parts on the bottom and he can't fuck the mermaid i turned it on tv it was that exact moment it creeped me out it's not a good story but yeah i just wanted this guy to feel seen yeah it's always i yeah in terms of like when homeless crazy people interact with you it's not your job never be mean to them but i just say don't you don't have to interact back you're not going to be able to pull them out of it you know just smile and nod yeah there's nothing you can really do if they're having an episode they're having an episode don't jeopardize yourself that's so sad there's nothing there's nothing you can do there's nothing you can do basically all problems that aren't yours you know yeah you can do. There's nothing you can do.

Basically all problems that aren't yours. You know? Yeah. As much as humanity. It's like I can't do anything. You just have to keep being alive knowing that that is happening. Yeah. And it's like, oh, well, all right.

Fuck. You know, you can be cool to the people you can be cool to. Yeah. Apology. I'm just trying to put some positivity out there like Keith does and Connor doesn't. Yeah. And you just fucking keep it down and keep it down. And you're writing jokes and then one day you're coming and it's all out. It's all out there in the open.

It's dripping down your chest and you don't even know who you are anymore. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think, yeah, if they're not in an episode, I don't know. What? We just got lost in that cum group. Yeah. Yeah.

No. If they're not in an episode, it's amazing how little, because so many people treat homeless people like shit. And it's amazing how little humanity that you can give them that actually means something to them. Yeah. You know, once again, it's different when they're in an episode and stuff. But that's, yeah.

The point is, Leaving the tribe will be back consistently when i get back from chicago plug i don't do one more yeah let's do it for everything i love the podcast and uh i love all you guys all your guys's work and your writing and stuff um i wanted to ask how long you think the pacquiao palace will stand do you think you'll move out and get your own apartments now that you're fancy comedy writers and you're not relatable anymore and you How long do you think the Pacquiao Palace will stand? Do you think you'll move out and get your own apartments and now that you're fancy comedy writers and you're not relatable anymore and you just kind of rise to the top of the comedy world,

do you think you'll keep the Pacquiao Palace as sort of a shrine or will you pass it on to the next generation of comedians? Nope. Well, thanks, guys. Have a good one. It looks like you guys are actually talking. to the next generation of comedians. All right. Well, thanks, guys. Have a good one. It looks like you guys are actually talking to each other and trying not to interrupt.

No, don't worry. I've risen nowhere. I'm in debt for the first time in my life, so I'll be here for a while. That's how it starts. I mean, we can only get fabulously wealthy because, as we know, Comedy Central has never canceled the show before.

That's a good point. I forgot to say congratulations. That fucking made me so happy. Thanks, man. Thanks, dude. Yeah. You're welcome. No way involved.

No, I was only saying this to Tom. You're the first to recognize that I appreciate you getting a job. Congrats on getting to spend less time with those assholes. Yeah. Congrats on an emptier house during the day. Yeah, a lot of times I just kind of stare out the window. Wow, buddy. We can put some CDs on for you.

It's a what? The oven? We don't have a player. That sounds kind of fun. I mean, I bet it looks kind of cool You guys want to go put CDs in the oven? Oh man Yeah, I don't know how long we'll be

Here's what I know My rent is really cheap I have a parking spot I live with amazing people And I'm close to everything I need to go to So I mean Look, until my girlfriend basically makes me I'm not moving out yeah i'm

kind of in a similar boat we're like i do love living here i just uh the the bugs are starting to kill me yeah the bugs are rough there's kind of a magic to this terrible terrible place well you know it's held together with love yeah what's what's the longest you ever lived in like a shitty place dave did you ever stay you're welcome in like a shitty place, Dave? Did you ever stay your welcome in like a college like Flophouse or anything like that in your life? Man, I'm trying to, I haven't lived in that many places for a long time. Like I've lived in this place

for three years that I'm in now and it's pretty good, but we do have a fucking roach problem. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's alright. And then the place I lived before that I guess was shitty. I lived in Echo Park for like four or five years. And this, you know, one of those buildings that was just tilted. Oh, yeah.

Well, like someone was telling me there's so many buildings in L.A. that's just like, oh, yeah, Charlie Chaplin built that because he was fucking someone that lived there. Wow. You know, like stuff like that. Like one of those. I used to live in Oliver Hardy's hat closet. It's shit like that. Yeah. The place that I lived when i was a senior in college was

in la it was like down in in uh sort of in south central uh but near usc on 36th place somewhere i don't remember exactly where oh yeah but somewhere like around budlong or some shit and we that place got dirtier and dirtier and dirtier and dirtier and then i moved out and moved to fresno and i came back and visited like a month later. And it somehow had gotten worse. Literally when I got, I pulled into the place, my old roommates, two of them were standing across the street from the house smoking a cigarette. And I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And he's like, and they were like, ah, the fleas are so bad that we can't smoke in front of the house.

I was like, but you sleep in there. What the fuck, dude? The fleas are taking the yard. Holy shit. Yeah, they like didn't hang out was like, but you sleep in there. What the fuck, dude? The fleas are taking the yard. Holy shit. Yeah, they like didn't hang out in there. They only slept in there. Have we got rid of the four wasp nests on your patio? No.

Oh, I have to. Go. I fucking hate wasps. Well, there's an air conditioning vent they definitely could fly into right behind. Great. Cool. They're paper wasps. Go, go, go, go, go, go. They're really... Little wasp. Cool. They're paper wasps. They're really, yeah.

They're like, I don't know. They're the pawn of wasps. It's never happened. I just made up a scenario to make you paranoid. I love that they gave you a pillow. No, we stole a pillow. Yeah, we stole pillows from the premiere party. Yeah, you know, and that's going to bring us a lot of memories.

All right, you want to wrap this thing up? Yeah, let's do it, man. So Dave, tell us about the album and when it's coming out, where we get it, everything. The links for all this will be in the show notes. Cool. Yeah, the album's called The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex. Great. I went to the recording.

It was fucking awesome, man. You got to listen to it. Oh, yeah, dude. Man, you guys fucking rule. Thank you for coming. Yeah, I didn't come. Yeah. I know I wanted to. I had a show that night. We talked about coming. Yeah, I didn't come. I wanted to.

I had a show that night. We talked about it. Who's the pessimistic and obnoxious one now supporting his friend? We should call that woman. Yeah. I'm not fucking pessimistic. You're a fucking bitch.

I'll tell you what. I'm a ray of sunshine, you big gay goof. I'm not pessimistic You piece of shit I'm fucking stepping All your judgments Why don't you take Your judgments Down to the clam bank

Okay Yeah Yeah you guys I'm a nice guy I'm really the protagonist Of the podcast Yeah it's I recorded at the Echo

In February Connor was there I don't know Were you there I wasn't able to. I got sick or some shit. I remember I was going to go. Yeah, Tom and I talked about it.

So, yeah, fuck you, Keith. Fuck Keith is the point. That's fine. Everything's going to be okay tomorrow. Optimistic. Of course. Yeah, optimist, pessimist, antithesis. That's not.

Optimist, pessimist, vegetable. Optimist, pessimist, boat. Man Man we're really making you work for this plug They do this to me too Welcome to the family Yeah it comes out August 23rd On a special thing records And on a new record label called Little Dipper And you can

Yeah it comes out digitally but I'm also releasing it with a flipbook for a little bit more money that I made. I don't know. I hope you like it. I hope you get it. It'll be on Spotify and shit too after August 23rd but you can preorder it now and the link to buy it is sex.guns.beer.

Rules. Yeah, dude. Honestly, at this point I think the thing I'm most proud of is the URL. Yeah, that's the funniest thing. I'm happy with the album. Can you tease the plot of the flip book? The flip book is like I... Don't give it away.

I'm just curious. It's a sexual odyssey. There's not really a plot. It's more, I would say, like a piece of art. If you follow me on Instagram, I... It's like Pulp Fiction, but funny uh you do though yeah it comes from my stories i'll just like yeah like take a photo of me or a piece of art and like fuck with it and turn it into a flip book that you basically that you tap through on your phone and so i made a physical version of that it's a

two-way flip book one is using the album art and then the other one is a photo that uh kelly dwyer who photographs my show good heroin took and then i also wrote so it's 152 pages if you put it together both ways but i on one side i wrote this like i don't even know how to describe it it's psychotic it's like psychotic shit from the perspective of someone who is the only man who has ever had sex. That has something to do with trucks and like eating beef. It's fucking crazy. That's a fucking rule.

It's really weird. The description didn't make sense, but it is exactly what our fans want to hear. That sounded right up their alley. It comes with a homemade beef carton. It's got boners in it. What's really fucked up is that that description did make sense. The thing I made doesn't make any sense. I described it perfectly, though.

Yeah, well, to be fair, you could have said anything and I wouldn't have followed. I was thinking about boats. I do remember the last time I was here, you were like, which one is it, March or May? And we couldn't figure out which month was. Which one's three? Which one's three? For a while. I forgot about that.

Which month is three? Oh, man. Oh, shit. Well, yeah, fucking. Dude, thank you guys so fucking much. Yeah, of course. Thank you. We fucking love having you on.

Yeah, dude. Come back anytime. Same. All right, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead. All right. Fuck everything. God is dead.