Mean Boys - EP 208 - Shoehorn Dook

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

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Hey guys, Keith, Connor, and Tom, Mean Boys Podcast. We're back. I'm Tom. After our last week hiatus. Just a fun little Just the Boys hang. Yeah, catching up on all the various injuries that have befallen us since Tom's album recording. Yeah, a lot has happened since I tried to clean my car. Don't want to spoil the first five minutes, but Tom is in a blinding amount of pain. I'm in a lot of pain. Yeah, so you know it's going to be good.

Yeah. No, it's a fun one. Thank you guys for listening, as always. We'll keep the plugs pretty short this week. Yeah, thanks for coming to Tom's album. Oh, yeah, seriously. I do want to genuinely thank everyone who came out. You guys were such a fucking phenomenal crowd. It was literally like I don't think I could have recorded. I can't think of a better crowd to have recorded in front of.

And you were so good, and it was so much fun to see you guys. I genuinely... I had a great time with you guys. We've been in kind of TV mode for a few months and stuff, but it really made me miss you guys and miss getting out on the road. Yeah. And... Chance to again soon.

Yeah, all the people from Chicago, and then also all the people who came up from Minnesota, Missouri... People travel, man. Someone flew out from Los Angeles. That's insane. Whoa, who did that? Kyle? No, somebody... Well, who did that? Kyle? No, someone like him, too.

He did, too. Kidding. No, there was a guy in the crowd. I just really, really want to thank you guys, and I will let you know when I know what it will be released. But right now, stop asking me and start asking Kyle Clark, because I don't have the power. He does.

So please pester the big man. Yeah. Other than that, Sam, I'll jump on the Patreon and support your boys. $5 a month gets you access to weekly bonus content. Go hang out with your fellow pig children on the Discord and the subreddit. A lot of fun shit going on in there. Keep watching Lights Out with David Spade. We're taking a week off, but we'll be back next week.

Yep. Other than that Kick back, relax and enjoy this week's episode of Mean Boys Hey everybody Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Both the chicken sandwiches are fine and you're gonna die one day. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden.

And I'm... About to turn into the Hulk. Our buddy boy Tom threw his back out pretty hard. Yeah, yeah. So don't leave the tribe until further notice. Or leaving the house. Or leaving the bed. We. Or leaving the bed. We pulled up, me and Connor pulled up from work, and we see Tom just standing, just like

full body clenched, eyes popping out of his skull. I'm like, how you doing, man? He's like, better! Yeah, no, I'm in a lot of pain right now. Well, the worst kind of affliction for you to have is one that just makes you look angry all the time. Yeah, no, it really does. Yeah. because people don't like me when i'm angry when you and you just look like you're like trying to stop yourself from fighting your own body oh you should have seen when i was

i got diarrhea out of nowhere on the drive up here and it was like my eyes popping had pops in them like it was it was for reference tom like you have to walk like a lego man basically yeah to run and take a fast shit with like no articulation in your joints is the worst thing i've ever heard yeah it was imagine if you could not bend your back and it just your asshole is it feels like there's blood being shot up back into it because i'm blocking out the diarrhea from flying out of it so it's just a ping pong match in my asshole. Rectum versus shit. And then I sit down and poor Isaac.

It smells so bad that he leaves the house. I'm like, sorry. You fumigated the house. I didn't have enough room to walk to the other bathroom. You just waddled in after you'd been gone for two months and cleared the premises. Yeah. Max walks out of the door and goes, someone took a shit. And I go, yeah.

A suit observation, basically. As if you staved up all of the road food for one powerful volley against the Mean Boys toilet. Just a Chicago exorcism in the hallway. Yeah. No, I've taken three shits the last 14 hours and hadn't taken many before that. So I think my body you know you're purging some evil well i bet you wonder is laying down all day good or bad for digestion probably bad probably bad okay yeah you're not supposed to lay down after you eat yeah it's definitely

bad like why is that all you want to do though because you're tired yeah and then we haven't figured out as humans while standing our bodies like we have urges to do things that aren't good for us, you know? Because, yeah. Like, you get a concussion and you're like, I'm asleep. You know, you want to go to sleep. Right. You make fun of babies, sort of, for, like, the idea that babies are always trying to put themselves in danger and kill them.

But the human body just keeps doing that forever. How many babies do you know have tried to kill themselves? No, but, like, you've never heard that thing. Babies are always trying to, like, fucking, you know, they just can't survive without a person telling them not to die. Right, but they're not like, put the gun in my mouth. No, I'm not implying that every baby is suicidal. They're just too dumb to roll over. But that's what I'm saying.

We stay too dumb to roll over. Yeah, well. Because our body tells you you just ate a fucking pound of steak, lay down, and let it turn into hay. And this goes back to my main point. Owls are better than us. they eat they stay standing and that's why they have more fulfilling lives they don't have to do post mates i don't know they do hoover i feel like i've never seen an owl lay down either you know exactly they're dead yeah they don't really they kind of just probably sit with their claw, you know?

Birds in general, they've figured out how to stay standing at all times. And us people, we haven't figured out how to stay standing while sleeping. And it's ruined. Well, we can't grab shit with our feet. That makes it hard. I know. Here's what worries me about this. I've tried.

What worries me about this train of logic is that if anyone's going to try to figure out how to sleep standing up, it is you. Yeah, well, honestly... They did a Kenny versus Spenny to sleep standing up, it is you. Yeah, well, honestly... They did a Kenny vs. Spenny about it. Oh, yeah, huh, yeah. So, I mean, it's, you know, better minds than us have already tried.

Right. The greatest minds of Canada. Yeah. The most powerful thinkers of 2006 Toronto had to offer. Here's the thing... Yeah, a rape joke guy and his shitty friend

took a swing at it. Sitting is the body of evil. We're evil for your body. Sitting is the body of evil. There's some pain gesturing through my body. I'm going to be saying some nonsensical shit today. Uh-huh. So pain is the what of the body?

Sitting is bad for you. Okay. We took a long road to a close destination. What? Laughing hurts. Coughing has been a nightmare. Oh, dude, cough. Oh, my God.

Every time I cough, I feel like Jet Li's kicking me in the spine. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I feel so bad because you're coming off a pretty big win. Yeah, well, yeah. I think, well, because I got back and I wrote, this is Thursday. I write down all the shit I need to do because I also need to, like, I was like, I'm doing Postmates again to get back.

I don't even get to it. I clean my car, which I haven't done since, like, Obama was in his first term. Yeah. And I'm cleaning it, and that's how I pull my car, which I haven't done since Obama was in his first term. And I'm cleaning it, and that's how I pull my back. It should tell you how dirty the car was. Yeah, maybe if I cleaned it more often, it would do less wear and tear on my back. So I couldn't even make the money I planned on doing Postmates. Dude, you're literally like a campaign speech level opioid crisis victim right now you know because it's like he pulled his he pulled

the muscle trying to get his car ready for postmates and then he had to get on the pill you know it's like it's like this is a real like modern uh you know story this is i think this will resonate with a lot of our midwestern factory listeners i hope we always would be great right now but yeah no he moved out him and ramsey oh that hurt laughing hurts uh yeah but yeah no so now i'm just trying to i've been i didn't realize that was an op pun i thought it was just a reference to the guy that lived here that was on Opelix. Oh, yeah. And I was like, whoa, Keith. Saying he moved out seems like a bit of an understatement.

Well, he did move out first. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. So anyway. Oh, you're backwards. Yeah, you're backwards. Yeah, yeah. You're in trouble.

Right. How much money would it take for you to go on Ghost Rider right now? Oh, fuck. What is Ghost Rider? Like, it's a wooden roller coaster on Ghost Rider right now? Oh, fuck. What is Ghost Rider? It's a wooden roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm. I went on this roller coaster when I was 11 years old. You're fucking made of silly putty when you're 11. My back hurt when I got off.

I felt like an old man. It's fucking horrifying. This thing is fucking donkey punching you in the kidney. It's just outside. It gets rained on. It gets bloated. It gets less safe every year. Great roller coaster.

I hate going on it. It feels like someone strapped gets bloated. It gets less safe every year. Great roller coaster. I hate going on it. It just fucking, it feels like someone strapped you to a board and threw you off a cliff. Where is this? Knott's Berry Farm. Knott's Berry Farm. Huh. $1,000, $100 bills. Let me Google how much uninsured back surgery would cost first.

So it'll be that plus $1,000. It's just a roller coaster. Come on. No, it costs a roller coaster yeah like if you google uninsured back surgery i think it just brings up a picture of the monopoly guy with the wheelbarrow full of money yes yeah oh fuck yeah so yeah no the monopoly guy is kind of like the uh the fallout guy with his little cartoons on the community chest yeah a little bit he's always getting into different little hobbies and you always see his like smiling face when you're getting really bad news.

Yeah, or good news, you know, or whatever. Yeah, he exists outside the realm of good and evil. Yeah. Yeah, he's a real cuck. The Monopoly man? Yeah. What do you say? He does fit the profile.

I'm just trying to pitch into the conversation. He's a rich old white guy. Yeah. He was on the Epstein flights. He pays the thimble to fuck his wife. He's actually three inches tall in real life. He had a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton on boardwalk.

He's the only person to take a paper airplane to Epstein's island. No, he took a railroad, which was really weird. Because it's an island. Found dead in his boardwalk mansion as the feds come in. Yeah. No, I will not go to jail.

Go directly to jail. How come they don't tell you where he lives? Go directly to jail and then come out all day for work. And also whenever you want. Come to think of it, you do still make money when you're in jail in Monopoly. Yeah. It literally is the Epstein version of jail. It's true, yeah.

Yeah. Because you're in jail, but it's kind of great. Yeah, unfortunately, you know, that mobbed up guard rolled a couple sets of doubles there. jail it's true yeah yeah because you're in jail but it's kind of great yeah unfortunately you know that that mobbed up guard rolled a couple uh sets of doubles there and uh that's all she wrote what's the monopoly man's day job like i know it i think it's being the monopoly man yeah like how did he get all the money you get royalties monopolies i feel like he was born into it you know yeah actually you know because it's like old money he'd be dressed a little preppier he dresses like a guy who's like fucking he may yeah he had to fuck the people over

himself with the oil his pants don't quite fit right he dressed yeah he dresses like he doesn't know how rich people dress he's taking a wild guess that it got like 80 correct the most luxurious place he could think of was the boardwalk where homeless people live. His mother never paid any attention to him because her new husband was Mr. Peanut. I think he's a new money, kind of like there will be blood robber baron type where he just showed up and was just fucking cutthroat. Actually, another thing about the Monopoly man looks pretty asexual. You guys think? I promise you I have never thought about who or how the Monopoly man fucks.

And that's impressive because I pretty much just, my comedy is just what if this thing fucks. How big, let's take a poll here, how big do you think the Monopoly man's dick is? Okay. Is he like, if he was like a regular-sized guy? Like a regular-sized dude. I feel like he's short as a guy, number one. I think he's like 5'6". Yeah, he's about, I think he's like high height, a little thinner.

Yeah. What about Tom's size, honestly? Yeah, I was thinking that. There's maybe a little more pudge on him. I was thinking that, but I did, I was worried, I was like, I hope Tom won't be offended that I think the Monopoly man will be about as big as him. No, he's... All the things to find offensive.

He also has no back right now, so it's fine. I'm going to say. Why is that? Because, look, I'm just pitching things today. I'm not thinking anything through. All right. I'm here to say words into a microphone, and I hope something hits the wall and sticks. You know what?

We're making it work, man. Yeah. I have my guess. Okay. Cock size. So I think he has a big dick. I'm talking like 9-10 inches You look at the things he's doing in the game

He's just buying up property He's entering beauty pageants He's doing all this weird shit that doesn't really make any sense It's all Trump shit And Trump Supposedly has a really big dick And some of his blind confidence comes from that So I think that because of that You extrapolate that logic Monopoly man's got a big dick and some of his blind confidence comes from that right so i think that because of that

you extrapolate that logic monopoly man's got a big i don't know if i had several billion dollars i'd forget i had a penis i would be so confident from the money i wouldn't need i think the monopoly man is a woman like the six flags guy oh in disguise yeah like we're on some tootsie shit wait wait the six flags guys that's the only way she could become a billionaire in the 40s when Monopoly was created. No, it's a chick. I Googled this literally 24 hours ago. Wait, what? It's a young Mexican man. Oh, really?

Yeah. My grandma told me it was a woman. It's a very gay-looking guy, so I think that may be where the confusion came from. The do-do-do-do-do-do guy? Yeah, the Vangibus. How much? Did you just put, like, nine masks on him? I'm so confused.

I think it's, like, prosthetic makeup. I feel like the one mask would be... Yeah. It'd be weird if they're like, we're first going to make you put like nine masks on him? I'm so confused. I feel like the one mask would be, it'd be weird if they're like, we're first going to make you look like Richard Nixon. And then on top of that, we're doing the Grinch. And then you're going to be Hellboy, every Ninja Turtle. That fish from the Shape of Water. And on top of that, when your head is the size of Mr. Mackey's from South Park, we will apply the final mask, generic

old man. Now, we're going to a theme park in California. Now, get ready to spend many hours outside dancing in the sun. By the time they're done with that sentence, he's already suffocated. Under 40 layers of latex. It would be funny to do like the Mission Impossible, pull the mask off, but it's just a different fake face. Yeah.

You're like, holy shit, Kevin Spacey. And you're like, no, no, no. Bill Cosby. You should do every Me Too. Oh, if you get worse rapes as you go along, you start off and it's like a Z's. You know? Right. It's actually Louis C.K.

And then they go, Charlie Rose. Works your way down to the Cosby. Yeah. Well, I don't remember what Charlie Rose did So maybe my order's off Yeah he was British No He wasn't? No Charlie Rose is American

Oh okay Yeah Who am I thinking of? I think me and Tom Were just like His name sounds British It's a very British sounding name And we never

And he does interviews That's gay That's something I'd probably like over there Those fucks like talking Yeah Or there's like a Jules Holland. I don't know.

He looks like all those guys, too. Yeah, I'm not mad about it. I get how you got there. Who's the person who's British? I dare you to Google that, and I want to see what comes up. Can you pull your phone out? Like, I'll get to the bottom of this. Now that's what I'm Googling.

Who is the person who's British? I wonder who comes up. Winston Churchill, the person who's the person i wonder who comes up uh winston churchill maybe who's the most famous british guy probably prince william or prince harry okay yeah i guess they are technically the most british yeah maybe a queen elizabeth the doom i guess interesting it's definitely a royal family royal family. Okay. How are you doing, Tom? So, United Kingdom, country in Europe, is the first thing that pops up. Okay. So, that's no fun. British people in Wikipedia.

All right. This ended up going nowhere. What was I going to look up originally? Who is the British person? Who do you think Charlie Rose was? Who is the person that is British? Charlie Rose. Who do I think Charlie Rose is? Phone is the person that is British? Charlie Rose. Who do I think Charlie Rose is?

Phone's like, I don't know, dude. Hey, Alexa. I'm a new phone. It's my third day on the job. Yeah. I know. This is like, you know. This is training day for phones.

Is it Charlie? It's like, hey, drug sniffing dog. You're thinking of Charlie Brooker who wrote Black Man. Okay. There we go. Okay. Yeah. The black guy. Not Brooker who wrote Black Man. Okay. There we go. Okay. Yeah, the black guy. Not even like a writer.

An English writer. It wasn't even like a James Corden or something. Yeah, it wasn't like Graham Norton or something. He writes them all having British accents in the show. He writes them out phonetically? Yeah. Oh, I'm so afraid of the computer you want some future oh yeah i know the queen phones will fuck you that's the original title of black bear your phone will fuck you just up

your up your bum i know i never watched that one about the two bros that have sex in the video game that everyone was so it's not a great great... I actually really like that one. Really? Yeah. I just, you know, I'm anti-animation fucking. I mean, there are people in it, though. No, but it's... You're right. You're watching humans fuck. Right. Wait.

Oh, but they're not like CGI in the show. No, no, no. They're played by people, but they look like they're in a fighting game. But one of them is the chick who plays Manus in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Oh, okay. Yeah, and she's real good in it. This new season fucking sucked. Wait, is she Asian?

I think she's like French and Asian. What an interesting combination. I've pretty much only watched the one where he fucks the pig and hang the DJ. Oh, it's pretty great. Oh, you're missing a lot of good upsetting shit that i think with hang the dj i always think like what if we're in one of those simulations but it's designed by the government to see how far they take a take shit before we ride in the streets right you know and they're going like honestly it's pretty weird i'm getting the high score over here on this safe file which one was hanging the dj You're doing the combo in Tony Hawk.

I can't believe I haven't fallen over yet. No, we just killed him in his jail cell. Ain't that suicide? Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking no-scoped Jeffrey Epstein. We're trying to buy Greenland, and they're just going to work. This is great. Oh, my God.

We made the fucker say, I am the chosen one, and look to heaven. Yeah. Who's hanging the DJ? Which one was that? That's the one about the dating simulation. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. I like that one.

That one's good. I like the whole message of it at the end being like, it was all a dream. I was like, it's kind of weird. That is a good 70% of the Black Mirror fucking playbook. I thought it would be an interesting episode yeah watch the uh watch the christmas special if you want to have a real bad uh existential trip about simulations and consciousness that's probably i'm that's gonna be a no for me i'm not saying you wanted to do it that's the one you do i do have to like uh that's like my fucking uh yeah that's politic or something you know like you ever have like oh can we not talk about a

like a abortion i just had a miscarriage, can we not talk about like an abortion? I just had a miscarriage. Right. Can we not talk about living in a computer simulation where I'm going to get weird at the party? Right. The other night my girlfriend was like, so what do you think would happen if you put your brain in a robot body?

And I'm like, we got to. Did you see like a different movie? Can't. Let's. I can't. I'm not going into it. Yeah. This is not going to end fun for you. And she's like, why does it freak you out? And I'm like, you don't want me to tell you.

It's not going to be hot or fun. Cool. That's true. There's not a lot of, well, let's go get ice cream after that one. Yeah. Well, guys, I think we're all fired up. What do you say? Get into the old Mexican joke off.

Hi, so topical. Yeah. I'll take us away this week. A 70-year-old man won a 1,000-kilometer horse race, or as he calls it, a car race. That's what cars were. All right. You're the horse that got beat by a 70-year-old man. You're the fucking, you're the cuckiest horse, though, right?

Uh-huh. It's just about who's on top of you, really. Like, if anything, I feel like, well, once you get older, your bones get less dense, so he probably weighs less, you know? It's like, how much really, like, fine horse commanding do you have? Like, in a short race, you're maneuvering and the whole shit? I'm like, yeah, it seems hard, but it's like, yeah, just fucking go over there as fast as you can. Like, what input do you have? I feel really stupid.

And here's why. We were looking at this story for fucking for work to write monologue jokes about. And until right now, I didn't realize it was that this guy won a horse like a want to race. I thought he outran a bunch of horses. You thought he Ocho Cinco'd a fucking horse? That's exactly what I thought happened, sincerely. How? He was a fast old man.

What was it? Jack LaLanne versus a horse with no legs? How would that happen? Good Jack LaLanne, Paul. I don't even think a seven-year-old man could beat a miniature horse in this kind of a race. Again, it seemed incredible to me. That's why i assumed we were talking about it yeah you're like well surely this is why it made the news yeah that's that i mean just an old guy was good at

riding a horse chad johnson the wide receiver at one time the fastest wide receiver in the nfl raced a horse with a like 100 yard start and got his ass kicked. Right. How would 70-year-old fucking Keith... I don't guess either one of you are shocked that you are not up to date with Horse Facts magazine, like Tom always is. I don't keep up to date on fucking... See? Equestrian v. Human development.

I go back to my parents' house, rest my back for like a week, and all of a sudden, you make something different between horses and people. This is why you guys need me. I really don't. We need you to tell us what's a horse and what's a person. That's your function on this earth.

I don't know. I don't mean this as a burn at all. Like, really, one of my favorite things about Tom is if you go, like, who's Michael Bolton? You know, whatever. And you'll have no idea. But then any time a guy has ever had to do something against an animal. He has a detailed analysis of the results. He'll give you a play-by-play. He knows the discrepancies in the way that the results were measured, and he has his

own particular theories about how they came to be. But then if you're like, what do you think of this Old Town Road song? And you're like, what? What are you talking about? Who did that? Is that one of those Blink-182s? I looked at the blueprints of the aquarium where the octopus turned off the lights by squirting it, and I have thoughts.

That octopus is a fucking genius. Most people would not be able to get out of that situation. He's smart for an octopus, but he's dumb for a guy. Most people would be too dumb to turn the lights off in that situation. Most people would just swim out of the tank. I did an escape room. So I know a thing or two.

And I'm telling you, an octopus would have solved it so i'm the mayor of leaving building next time i'll bring an octopus with me into the escape room yeah you escape really fast because whoever else in the room will go oh fucking octopus and pull the fire alarm yeah you just see tom and his girlfriend at the counter of the escape room place and it's like and you have a reservation for three will you be waiting for the rest of your party? And he goes, no. And then he lifts above the counter an octopus that he has brought with him.

See, I think he's pulling the octopus out. Very dead. In a radio flyer, like a red wagon. Oh, it's filled with water. Well, a dead octopus isn't going to solve the puzzle for me. Now, I may not be smarter than an octopus, but I know that much. Don't kill octopus.

I heard your game show, Are You Smarter Than an Octopus? Yeah, no, Tom Goss host, are you smarter than an octopus? Oh, laughing hurts. What was I going to say? Yeah, no, I went out to get tacos with my girlfriend, and I was like, oh, the octopus. And then we started talking about how smart octopuses are, and I couldn't eat it. Wise creatures.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, did she tell you how smart they were? No. I told her about the light switch thing, and then she said some other thing about octopuses, and then I got the steak. There you go. There you go.

Cows can't turn off lights. Honestly, that octopus really did. That is more than any of Nikki Glaser's Instagram posts. Is that done for my personal vegan journey? So good for you, man. You turn off those lights and you send a message. I won't eat you. Yeah.

I'll still eat you. I'll just be aware of how smart you are while I do it. Week one. You hear that? We don't give a fuck. Man, these jokes are as good as my back feels. Week one of the NFL is approaching, so watch out for arrives and wives running into doorknobs. Okay.

That's a nice, clean domestic violence. Yeah, that's what I did. Either I'm clean talking about horrible things or filthy talking about the mundane. I call that joke, women be suffering. Women be suffering. Here's a dumb one. Hasbro Toys has purchased Death Row Records. Dr. Dre and Mr. Bucket will be collaborating

on a song about putting balls in their mouth. Who's Mr. Bucket? That's such a funny name. I think it's like a game, right? Is that like Mr. Hands but a bucket instead of a horse stick? I promise this is worth it. Pull the Mr. Bucket commercial up. Wait, what's a Mr. Bucket? It's a game from when... game right is that like mr hands but a bucket i promise this is worth it pull the mr bucket mr bucket it's a game from what i i guess maybe this is like a little pre you guys but like yeah

it's a plastic bucket and you just put balls in his fucking head and he spits the balls out this is this is the era of technology where they hadn't figured out how to use batteries and fun at the same time. They ran that commercial every 30 seconds for a decade. The balls are in my mouth. I love your balls. And then we wonder why everyone got a little bit gayer. Okay, well, here's the answer. Yeah.

That was my big Mr. Bucket swing. Wow. Okay, did you go, Tom? Is it my turn? Yeah, it's you. Let's see what we got. Seven-foot python fell through the ceiling of a family's home. Jon Hamm apologized and zipped up his pants.

He's got a huge cock. He's got a big cock. Yeah. Jon Hamm is the monopoly guy. He's got a ceiling-breaking cock. I feel like he's either got, like, three inches or 14. Jon Hamm? No, the monopoly man. I inches or 14. Jon Hamm? No, the Monopoly man.

I don't care about Jon Hamm. I brought up, I was like, I wonder how big Jon Hamm's dick. And then seven women jumped out of the hallway to tell me that you could see outlines of it. Women analyze Jon Hamm's dick the way podcast bros analyze the Epstein files. It's just like a lot of zooming and enhancing. And you can see the shadow of the pleat here. Yeah. Okay.

I need to become a ham man so I can have ladies. A ham man? A ham man. The ham man. Dude, Keith became a ham man. You got a lot of pussy, so, you know. It works. A high school football player started bleeding from his brain after scoring a touchdown.

This happened after the opposing fans started yelling out long division equations. Football people are dumb. I like that one. Yeah. The Los Angeles Gay Men's Chorus turned 40 this week. They plan to celebrate by telling everybody they're 32. Nah, those fucking... I guess people do...

I always thought people lying about their age was kind of made up. Yeah. And then the longer you actually do show business stuff or whatever, you're like, oh, that fucking... it's a thing. Yeah, the amount of secret 60-year-olds floating around. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even trust Wikipedia anymore. I'm like, I don't fucking know who.

Anyway, they can go in there and edit that themselves. Yeah, who fucking pulled Julia Louis-Dreyfus' birth certificate? Maybe she's just really been nailing a long con since the 90s. That's true. Yeah, Keith Richards is actually 904, and a lot of people. I think he's 905. Well, he was really worried about booking guest stars on Two Broke Girls,

so he had to adjust it downwards. I'm having a hard time focusing. Sorry, buddy. You're okay, man. Honestly, I'm going to level with you. You're doing pretty well, given the circumstances. Hear that, podcast people who listen?

Yeah. Yep. A federal program recommends turning off the thermostat so your home stays above 78 degrees, finally proving that Jews control the government. Like a nice warm house. Are they against the number 78? No, I think just like everyone says,

they like a warm climate. You like the Florida. Yeah. I think you might be thinking of iguanas. I'm really grasping at these racist straws. I saw that, and I was like, well, that'd be funny to say somebody controls the government. And I was like, who likes a warm environment? Any woman.

I feel like it's Jews. I don't know. Not snow women. Snow women? Snowman with tits. Okay. Hell yeah, dude. It's funny if you say it in the Samuel L. Jackson voice from Royale with Cheese.

Snowman with tits. Snowman with tits. That's if he worked at... That is a sexy snowman. He works at the burger place and they have like diner code, you know. Yeah. Snowman with tits coming right up. That's like a double cheeseburger with, I't know guacamole or something yeah an oregon lady was trapped in a septic tank for two

days after 48 hours firefighters were able to end her binge listening to the mean boys podcast yourself burn yeah being in a septic tank the weirdest word in that is a lady like i feel like once you're you know what i have deep human shit, you are no longer a lady. I didn't even write lady. I don't know why I said lady. You're so broad. Yeah. I put woman, but I'm always yelled at for saying that word wrong, so I changed it to lady.

Three times a lady. HBO has signed a huge new deal with Lena Dunham. In a statement, HBO said, We are committed to working with bold, interesting, talented creators. But they're all busy, so I guess we're going to kick the tires on this fucking dump truck again. Okay, I have a legit question. I bet I know what it is. What is it?

Who is Lena Dunham? That is correct. I hear her name all the time. She did that show Girls, and she's just... I don't know what that is. Every three weeks, she says something that everybody gets all mad about. Yeah, I guess kind of. She what?

She said Girls, and he goes, is that like Cops? Just because it has a one-word title? Yeah, I mean, Cops is about cops. Girls is about some girls. Is it like Dallas? Dallas has more letters. Oh, it's like... More's happening in that.

Girls has more letters than cops. But only one more. Most shows are about the thing they're called, Tom. Is it similar to House? G is also very similar looking to a C. Okay, all right. You got to really do some fucking Da Vinci Code shit in order to get to my logic here. No, but so she made a show.

Yeah. Called Girls. Yeah, called Girls. White Girls. She's just kind of a chode on the internet. She's really old, right? No, she's like. Is she the one who fucks a lot of black guys?

I don't know. I think she's fucking one, maybe. I don't really know. She's like my age. She had that thing with her sister where I guess they used to like touch each other's, you know, or something. She wrote a memoir when she was 24. Okay.

And she didn't do it. By the way, you know who else is doing that? Robin Tran. Sure, but Robin Tran has some shit to write a memoir about. No, I get it. But I mean, it's just if you're that's that's the look. It's yeah, it's a sociopathic line of activity. True.

Is is. Okay. So Lena, she's the one in the Comedy Central roast, right? No. Who am I thinking of? I don't know. Probably Amy Schumer. No, the older ones. Lisa Lampanelli? Yes.

No, you know how you know that's not Lena Dunham is that her name is Lisa Lampanelli. And you knew that when I told you. No, I couldn't remember her name. And Lena, Lisa, they sound similar. Well, I just, I like that. No one's name is Lisa. Well, the best part about the cops and girls thing was that it wasn't even that the letters G and C sound similar. No, they look similar.

Which means that Tom has some sort of like synesthesia where his head is just a maze of letters. No, yeah. No, I think in pictures I dream in shapes. Where did I put that R? Which means that Tom has some sort of synesthesia where his head is just a maze of letters. No, yeah. No, I think in pictures. I dream in shapes. Where did I put that R? Girls is filmed on location with the hardworking women hanging out at a Buffalo Exchange at 2 o'clock on a weekday. Buffalo Exchange.

I mixed that up with Buffalo Wild Wings, but that's not what it is. There's no exchange. Yeah, you do. You're wild. You can buy it. It's a sale. It's a purchase. A sale is a kind of exchange.

Tom, you're definitely going to start a store where you can buy and sell used food, lightly used food, where it's like, no, look, I froze this, and I've been eating and cooking for a while. It's called take a panini, leave a panini. Yeah. You know, it's like, okay, there's three pieces of bread left. It only expired two days ago. All right, I'll give you 10 cents.

And then he puts it out for 20. A sale is a kind of exchange. Yeah, sure. But the exchange is a store. A food store. Yeah, like a used... That's a toilet. Well, no, this toilet only takes...

We're looking to give. Yeah, you come in with like half your fries. If you were to give. Yeah, you come in with like half your fries and the guy will buy it. If you were to take a shit and then the toilet would send a different poop back up to you, that would be like you're trading Pokemon cards. That would be a funny toilet. Yeah.

Like Professor Oak's fucking thing in the game where you gotta tube out a Pokemon and then it sends back a Nidoran. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm going to call shitting now is Nidorans. Okay. Yeah.

Whose turn is it? It's your turn. All right, guys. Well, a fourth Matrix movie is in production. Also in production, new vaginas for the directors. You know? We're getting the new vaginas.

Were they? Wow. Tom just choked on his own life. I don't know if this has been a back thing or just a timing thing, but since my backs went out, my lungs have just set up chunky. Yeah, you're just laying down,

letting the phlegm and tar accumulate. Yeah, no. They all look like they have brains. Wait, I had a question, then I forgot what you said. Something about the Matrix, maybe? Oh, yeah, did they get Me Too'd? No. No, no, no, they're trans.

They're trans now. They're Wachowski sisters. Yeah. Yeah. They both came out as trans. Wow, at the same time? One came out, and then the other one came out like a a couple years later it would be funny if they did it like you know with like a like if they're like they're doing

like a gender reveal party or something for themselves yeah they're like jump in a pool you know and then flowers float up and it says we're chicks you know they did like some kind of like you know choreograph thing because i feel like the last thing they haven't everything didn't they do speed racer and have they not done much since then? They did Speed Racer, they did Cloud Atlas, they did Jupiter Ascending and they had that show

Sense8 that people liked on Netflix. I haven't seen anything past Speed Racer but I fucking love that movie. Yeah, I haven't seen any of that. Yeah, I saw The Matrix.

It was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, I never, I feel like I would be one of the guys that liked the other two Matrix movies. You know?

Oh yeah. Seems like the kind of thing that I would like. I feel like if I went back to the guys that liked the other two Matrix movies. You know? Oh, yeah. Seems like the kind of thing that I would like. I feel like if I went back to them now, I'd enjoy them. Yeah. Because when I watched them, I was like, this sucks. Why isn't everybody in slow-mo?

And if I could watch them now, I'd be like, oh, there's smart shit happening. Yeah. No, they're fine. I think the first one's the best. Oh, yeah. But they're all good. It's like all sorts of things are happening to my body right now.

It's my turn? It's almost like a different organ is turning into insects every 30 seconds. Yeah, I'm really becoming... I hurt my back and became an anamorph, and it's becoming a problem. I'm turning into a guy that can't do anything. Anamorphs, that's what the directions of the Matrix were, right? A little girl. God, this is terrible.

A little girl apologized for taking a rock from a national park. The park responded saying, don't worry, we're a park. There's plenty of crack here. Crack rock. Oh, okay. Crack lobster. It was a crack lobster. It was a crack lobster.

We were at Venice Beach. I saw that story, and she wrote them a letter. And she was like, I'm so sorry. And then she mailed the rock back. And I was reading that going, I literally stole a piece of a castle to give myself magic powers. I wept briefly for my own innocence. Right. Barack Obama released his summer playlist on Spotify.

People are just excited to see him use an app for something besides blowing up a wedding. All right, guys. KFC has started testing plant beyond fried chicken. The marketing team says that the plant-based chicken is so good, it may even replace the chance current diarrhea-based chicken. Just make it out of diarrhea. Yeah. See, the return-it toilet strikes again.

I have a mark. The return-it toilet. Well, Tom Goss' used food store. Yeah, the used... I call it the thick bidet. Yeah. The fully loaded bidet. A bride claims she lost 30 pounds without exercise before her wedding.

She said that while greening and pointing at the nearest national park. She's doing track. What did you say? It's coming around. That's a good joke, and it's also one of my favorite Tom moves, which is that you wrote a joke that you said you had no confidence in and then wrote another joke that was a callback to it. Yeah, no, that's absolutely.

Oh, man. I had a joke. I couldn't do it because we weren't doing the show, and I think I forgot to do it on here, but it was just that this lady had 30 bridesmaids, and it's just, who has 30 fat friends? That's amazing. A new study says legal marijuana leads to increased junk food consumption.

In related news, a study links legal no shit to increased doi. It's just an unnecessary study. Yeah. That's a... It really would be cool to see what cocaine did to the economy, like if it was legalized, you know. More businesses. Plot these graphs or whatever. It's like, I would love... There would be like a bunch of funny ones, whatever it was legalized, you know? More businesses. Plotting graphs or whatever. It's like, I would love,

there would be like a bunch of funny ones, whatever it was, you know, just like defaulting on Porsche loans or whatever. Like, there would be so much. Yeah, the fucking, the small business loan bubble would burst immediately. Oh, yeah. Yeah, although, I don't know.

I tried cocaine, and now I downloaded a financial app, so it's led to me being more financially responsible. I tried cocaine, and my body imploded. Like a car and a trash compactor. This is Tom's wolf of Wall Street. He did cocaine once, and then now he downloaded an app that will tell him how to pay off $400 worth of credit card debt that he has.

Oh, I wish it was only $400 right now. Oh, no. That's my get-what. Oh, what are you looking at? A lot. Yeah, like... I'm going to say all fair. There is a comma.

There is a comma. Don't tell me. I'm sorry. There is a comma. Oh, fuck, dude. There's only one comma, right? Yeah, there's only one comma. Oh, boy, yeah.

If there was more than one comma, I would have... I'd be impressed that you somehow went up the four and racked up a million dollars in debt. Like, five digits is different than two commas. Two commas is one million dollars. It's still only four digits. Okay. I guess not. All right, yeah.

But, wait, there's a decimal in there. The cents? Wait. If there's four digits and one of them's a decimal, that means you owe like $18.30. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know what you're doing with the comma. And you were so stressed out about it. Even if you owe $99.99, the most amount of a four-digit, one-decimal number.

No, I don't like that. What's funny is then if there's a comma and it's 9,9.99. It's like, what number of dollars is this? Is that how you solve the Goodwill hunting formula? I don't even know what the fuck this means. No, I'm like three grand back right now. Whoa. That's not terrible. It's not good, but you can rally.

No, and that's why I need to do Postmates with the back. Yeah. I need a back to post. Also, I have four checks that I am owed that have not been given, so that'll make a dent. Since it hurt your back, do you think we could just start making your car talk like Bane, you know? I mean, it does. Mr. Garge. Have you heard him try to go uphill?

No, I see you're trying to take a 45-degree incline. Not on my goddamn watch. Yeah, it's... I was born of the garbage. You've taken 45-degree inclines. Not on my goddamn watch. Yeah, it's... I was born of the garbage. Kapow, fuckface. Drown in your debt. No. Classic Bane.

Kapow, fuckface. I absolved everyone else's debt with blowing up the finances and not you. I'm making it worse. Remember my timeless words of wisdom. Suck a gooch, gay lord. My car going uphill sounds like Bane

if he had hemorrhoids. It's just as funny. Oh, Batman. I should have never switched to the generous toilet. Return it, toilet. Turns out the warlord diet, not great for the colon. A lot of boar.

Need a ras old douche. Really clog you up. All right, guys. Oh, man. You ever hear the one about how do architects cure their diarrhea? How? They just work it out with a slide ruler. What's a slide ruler?

Their constipation. Yeah. It's like an architectural drafting tool. One of those compass things that you spin around in? I don't know what it looks like exactly, but it's a guy using a ruler up his ass to, you know, fucking chew horn Duke out of his butt. Well, on that note. Yeah. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back.

And now, The Walking Dead, if all the zombies were autistic. Trains, trains, trains, trains. That was The Walking Dead, if all the zombies were autistic. You guys, it's a new football season. And I know the Mean Boys podcast is nothing if not notoriously well-keyed into the sports community. I sport. You know, I play football. Yeah, you have the body of Andrew Luck right now.

You are the Andrew Luck of people who sit down politely for a living. My back is his knee. And I know it's been a little bit of a down time for the podcast. Everyone knows it's not good during the offseason. But football's coming back. Football is where we get our strength. And the Mean Boys are coming with it. Yeah, we're jocks now because fucking nerds are lame.

Antonio Brown's on the Raiders. Le'Veon Bell's with the Jets. Odell Beckham is in Cleveland. Shit's changing. The world is changing. I know what one of those things means. I'm amazed you were able to pronounce all those correctly. Look, I kind of winged it through fucking Le'Veon Bell.

I saw that apostrophe and I was like, well, we're going to take a shot in the dark and I pulled it off. No, that was correct. Did he have to sashay away? But you know what? The one thing that hasn't changed where I'm putting my money No, that was correct. Did he have to sashay away? But you know what? The one thing that hasn't changed, where I'm putting my money down on all the games. Because I've been rich for a week and a half. And now it's time to gamble it all immediately. No, I gamble responsibly.

Yeah, no. Because Keith, now that he's the television writer, he can't be trusted in a casino. No. It would be anarchy. No, but you know where I can get... I've seen this man make pimplicious maneuvers when I know for goddamn sure he's only got to 200 bucks and we just got paid to his name. He finally has the money to back his swagger, and he only goes to one website.

There's only one place. If I'm going to go bet on football every week and I'm going to mybookie.ag. My bookie, my bookie, no more crappy bets. My bookie, my bookie. Put it all on the Mets. The Mets? Jets is football. Well, it's a website where you can make some cash.

Sign up now or you'll get a rash. My bookie, my bookie. What's amazing is that every word of what he's doing is in the ad copy. It is. It was written out with music and he wrote it with a quill. It says Bill Burr's putting out these ads from three years ago. My bookie has better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports book, period. This year, they're hosting, there we go, the first online handicapping super contest.

And online handicapping is good, unlike the current handicapping that's happening. That's where you play a game where you try to shoot the other guys in the knees. Dude, first place, I swear to God, guaranteed to win at least $100,000 fucking dollars. Whoa. That's insane. It only costs $100 to enter. Yeah. That's more than $99,000.

You'd frankly be stupid not to do it. Yeah, everybody who's not gambling on my bookie is a stupid moron. You're going to put it all away a chunk at a time for your kid's college. Get it out of the way in one weekend. Be somebody. And it's easy. Fuck my credit. I'm going to my bookie.

All you got to do is pick five NFL games against the spread every week to climb the leaderboard and score your share of the huge cash prize pool. And look, I would only recommend a service to my listeners that's been good to me. And I actually have gone to my bookie and taken a look around. I know it sounds like I'm doing like the ad told me to do this thing, but I have checked it out. It's actually pretty fucking cool. Well, Keith loves prop bets. Yeah, I do.

He wants to be like, how many feathers will Lady Gaga wear to the Met Gala? You know? For all your gay betting. And then he just goes, no, no, no. Last year was a disaster, and she's coming home swinging. It's going to be more. And, dude, they have a live in-game betting on every NFL game. They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.

And if you're a fantasy football guy, which is just Dungeons and Dragons for people who can punch people. I have a fantasy football team. You do. And, dude, you can bet the over and under on how many fantasy points a player is going to score in each game. Ooh. Yeah, I'll admit, I don't know what that means,

but you seemed excited about it. Yeah. No, I know what all those things are. Yeah. But check it out. Look, Tom, you've got a little credit card debt. I'm saying you go deeper down the hole. Let's figure this out.

Not with my bookie. It'll reverse it. Yeah. This is a tightrope while we're walking. You just take the Patreon money and put it on Aaron Hernandez or whoever. Probably not him. Which one is he? Aaron Hernandez is very dead.

Aaron Hernandez committed a murder and hung himself in prison. That's why I know who he is. Don't bet on him, but do bet on football at mybookie.ag. Yeah, dude. This guy put $3,000 on Aaron Hernandez. He didn't even say to do what. Yeah. He just bet on him existing, and he lost because he is a corpse.

Well, if you want to go bet on somebody who's a better payoff than Aaron Hernandez, go to MyBookie. Up to $1,000 first deposit bonus. Double your first deposit. They're going to match you. They're going to hook you up. All you got to do is use promo code MEANBOYS to activate that offer. So go to MyBookie, M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.

And don't forget to use the promo code MEANBOYS when you're creating your account to claim that sweet bonus. MyBookie. Bet. Win. Get paid. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. We fucking wrote a game. It's been a minute, but I threw one together. This is a round of one of our favorite games. Price check. Favorite.

Favorite. By which I mean, it takes the least amount of time for me to write. I'm maybe stepping back into writing for the show again. If you never heard, basically, fuck! Whoa, what's going on, bud? I just moved too quickly. Oh, no, man. Can I get you anything?

Man, I got some more CBD. New pack. Price check! I like that I'm so worried talking is going to hurt you. Oh, man. Yeah, I got some going to hurt you. Oh, man. Yeah, I guess it might be probably fine. Oh, no, I have resilience against sound waves. Okay, that's good.

What's your charisma stats? Do the game! When Dom gets hurt, it'd be great if he talks like a weird inbred prince. Yeah. Yes, time to move along with it. If you've never heard, uh basically i'll give you two things you got to tell me which number is greater uh here's a fun one to start with uh which costs more the estimated value of jeffrey epstein's island or the listed sale price for neverland

ranch oh you know well it's a whole island but neverland ranch is where is in california right i think it's like uh norcal yeah i go to Neverland Ranch just because there's like... Because it's tied to Michael Jackson. You can be a fan of him. Right. And the Epstein thing, I got to figure that it's kind of a... It's next to a third world country where they would pick up a lot of kids. I don't forget which one.

So I imagine it's probably not's probably not like the ideal neighborhood for a private. You know what I mean? It's probably the slums of the private island community. Yeah. So I'm guessing Neverland Ranch. I mean, now Epstein's Island.

I mean, if it went up for sale, people would be crowdfunding to try to go find buried bones and shit, you know? Oh, yeah. It'd be fucking. It's just gonna be like an adult version of the Goonies.

And I would give that for dudes who vape. And I would give the... Just the Goonies for dudes who vape. And I would give that campaign thousands of my dollars because I would love to go on a backpacking expedition to do archaeology trying to find, like,

one of Bill Clinton's cufflinks on this fucking island. Yeah. The hottie boys in the case of Little St. James. I know. That would be a blast. Yeah, this is tough

because I feel like... Here's the thing. I mostly know about Mr. Ep, this is tough because I feel like, here's the thing. I mostly know about Mr. Epstein from Connor's Riffs about him. Did he develop the island or is it just like a bunch of huts with a cage or is there like a ferris wheel? An Ewok village? That has had no contact with the outside world except for their brilliant or pedophile overlords. Did he bring a construction crew there? Or did he make the kids build the house?

Okay, fine. I'll pull up the drone videos of Jeffrey Epstein's island. What you're describing is the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I know that Michael Jackson had a zoo and a Ferris wheel and slaves and whatever. There's no Ferris wheel. Slaves, definitely. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Zoo? Depends what your definition of a zoo is. Yeah, in a way it was a... You're talking about Jackson. It was a people zoo. Yeah. No, Michael Jackson. I'm talking about Michael Jackson's spot. No, I know what I'm talking about.

Oh, wow. That looks like a lot of buildings near my parents' place. Yeah, there is a... It just looks like a nice building. There's like a... He got it while the FBI was raiding it, which was pretty crazy. You can see him actually like boarding up the windows of Jeffrey Epstein's island. This guy's got like a...

Wait, he owns that whole fucking island? He does, yeah. Well, people think that this is John McAfee, the antivirus guy. Who's filming the drone footage? For some reason, people think it's him. So there's the FBI raiding Epsteinstein's house that's crazy right and wouldn't you think that they would shoot the drone down or something because they see he's very clearly looking at them right so what they just get home depot boxes and fucking board it up isn't that we like that's fucking bizarre what you do on

our street if someone was looking in your window right and they get blankets get blankets and shit. But, yeah, it's kind of crazy. He's just fucking... He's basically on the patio. Like, that drone is, like, human level. Yeah, that's really crazy. Anyway, so, yeah, that's Jeffrey Epstein's island, Tom. I mean, that's a pretty nice island. It's fucking nice, dude.

And I don't know if the incidents have devalued or inv the islands uh-huh but you said they used to no you said uh michael jackson's but yeah i'm gonna go people love islands i'm gonna go islands uh estimated value of jeffrey epstein's island 20 million dollars the listing price for neverland ranch 31 million dollars wait what the fuck does that place he's the king of pop dude it looks like for Epstein's Island, $20 million. The listing price for Neverland Ranch, $31 million. Wait, what the fuck does that place look like? He's the king of pop, dude. Neverland Ranch, it looks like a fucking theme park attached to a mansion that's not in a third world nation. Yeah.

It was listed for like $60 million, and then that movie came out, and they went fucking whoops and cut the price in half. Wait, how long has it been for sale? A hot minute. Like somebody had it and then sold it. You probably can't do anything to it think it's kind of nice to know. Well, it's like, what are you... You probably can't do anything to it, because it's a historical site or something.

Yeah, and I'm sure it's like a fucking nightmare to buy, or somebody would have bought it. Yeah. All right, here's a fun one. Who has more kids, Charles Manson or Chris Jenner? Ooh. Charlie Manson, I believe, only has the one kid. Because, do you ever read that article about that guy who realized he was Charlie Manson's son? I know which one you're talking about.

Like the fat guy? There have been a lot of people who have come out and said that they think they're Charles Manson's kids or that they were told they were or whatever. The amount I found here from my research are the only confirmed ones, and the other ones are kind of people, speculative or gold dig, and there's not a lot of technical proof. I guess I'll go Charles Manson then. Is Chris Jenner Kim Kardashian's dad? No, you were so close.

Mom. Wait, what? Her name is Chris. Oh. Yeah. Tom, she's one of the most famous people in the world. Tom, you're dating a woman named Kristen. You could have figured that out.

No, sure, sure, sure. No. You couldn't have had more of a look up. It's confusing. That's pretty funny. It's pretty funny. It's pretty funny. Confusing. I get it.

It is. Because the husband who's now the wife is... They're divorced. Okay. Well, then why the fuck did she start with the last name? Well, her name's Caitlin, so I thought that maybe that's a window. That's a mirror. I mean, why are you swimming?

Because it hurts. Okay. I thought maybe Keith fucked up here. So Chris Jenner is a real lady. Yep. Yes. And again, one of like the top hundred people on the earth. Yeah.

One of the most famous organisms on the planet. I don't study other people. Organisms? Uh-huh. Unless they're, let's say, arm wrestling a chimp. Yeah. Okay. What was the other option again?

Charles Manson. Okay. Okay. I'm going to go with she. Based on the information that I just learned that this person exists, I'm going to say. Based on the information that I just learned that this is a human being. Yeah, I'm going to say Mr. Charlie Manson. All right, the correct answer.

Charles Manson had three kids. Kris Jenner has six kids. Okay. Damn. I even know she existed until now. That's crazy. Wait, who are her kids? Hers?

Kim Kardashian. Oh, yeah. Khloe Kardashian. You know what? I should have pieced together. Rob Kardashian. There's a Jenner. Kylie and Kendall.

Kylie and Kendall, yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Why are they named Kardashian? Wait, who's their dad? Kylie Jenner and Kendall? I'm not going to learn about that. Their dad was Bruce Jenner, who became Caitlyn Jenner.

Wait, what? Yeah. Kim Kardashian's dad is Bruce Jenner? Yeah. No, no, it's not. Kim Kardashian's dad is Robert Kardashian. Okay. Yeah, the Kendall, Kendall and them.

Okay, so watch when I explain to Tom That this involves OJ Simpson No I know that Okay Cause they were the lawyer Robert Kardashian was one of OJ's lawyers Yeah His wife was Kim

Or Chris Jenner Sure Chris Kardashian at that point Okay So they had some kids The ones that are named Kardashian Those are Yes

His kids He died She married Well she married Bruce Jenner Before he died, right? Or was at least fucking him, I think. I don't know. Regardless, she ended up with Chris Jenner, had a couple more kids.

What? Or with Bruce Jenner. It really is confusing when you try and lay it all out. Yeah. So that's. So I didn't know they were all related. All those people with the same last name. I thought Bruce.

I thought that one. I thought they had Bruce Jenner on. I know she's on the show, but I thought that was just like, we found a famous athlete to hang out with us. And OJ was busy. So you thought that these Hollywood socialites would like to hang around with the guy that was good at the Olympics a long time ago. He was on cereal boxes.

And everybody knows models love cereal. They eat it all the time. Yeah. You know? Yeah, this is on the Real Housewives of Orange County. They're hanging out with Ty Cobb. I didn't know. It'd be more like a shot put champion from Bulgaria.

And it's like Hans Ifkoff is in your kitchen. Are you telling me you would never be able to see Michael Phelps on the Jersey Shore? It's not out of reach. He just comes there and wants some beiges and high fives. And then he goes, you know what I mean? I'm just saying, like, Jersey Shore, that's a better crowd for that kind of a deal than, like, fucking Beverly Hills lip kit sellers. And Michael Phelps is famous now. This is a guy who was famous for being an athlete.

This would be like if Greg Louganis was hanging out at the Jersey Shore. Like, you remember that Dave Chappelle joke where he's talking about why do those kids want to meet Michael Jackson? He's like, that'd be like if I was like, I want to meet Chubby Checker. He's like, I remember Michael Jackson. I only kind of want to meet him. Right. I didn't know that that was their dad.

That's their dad. That's fucking crazy. There it is, the bombshell. Why has no one told me this? Tom, do you know anything about falcons? Yeah. Tell me something about a falcon. A peregrine falcon can go about 200 miles per hour at top speeds.

Oh, what's up, man? Yeah. I actually remember that from Animorphs. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. One of the birds you could turn into. Yeah.

Although I think they did say, I think it's closer to like 170 now. Well, then, yeah, Tobias, he's the one who got stuck. If you stayed as an animal for more than a half hour, you'd be stuck as a bird. So he was a hawk. And I just remember thinking, like, man, it sounds fun to ride thermals, you know? Because there would just be chapter after chapter of Tobias being sad, flying on thermals. Yeah, just fucking shred. Like, as far as animals he gets stuck as, not a terrible one.

Yeah. Which costs more, a baggie of heroin or a monthly subscription to Disney Plus? Wait, how much baggie? Just standard, sort of like you're going to buy a bag of heroin in the park. Small. Hello, sir. I'd like one bag of heroin. That's.1 gram, I believe is the maximum. It's got to be Disney Plus. I think that's $15, right? I'd like one bag of heroin. That's.1 gram, I believe is the magic word.

It's got to be Disney Plus. I think that's 15 bucks, right? I don't know. Yeah, it's got to be Disney Plus. Okay. It's really interesting to see all this Disney Plus Netflix, how the streaming wars play out. Because Disney does have a lot of chips, you know, and Netflix is like, it seems like their whole business model was like, well, we'll be the only one and people will keep investing, you know. I know, and I want to like, on principle, I the disney plus thing is kind of evil oh like the whole disney

fox merger is fucking terrifying and they usually look like oh everything i want to watch is on there oh that's how they get us the simpsons alone i fucking am paying for you can watch the simpsons for free on the internet right now yeah but there's like a website where you just yeah there's like two ads i don't know they got it with all the fucking Marvel movies and it's one place. Yeah. I don't know. Wait.

What was the question? Heroin or Disney Plus. Disney Plus is Netflix but Mickey. Yes. Yeah. Okay. See?

I knew about that. That's not Chris Jenner. Yes, but it's Mickey from Rocky and it's only the movie he wants to watch. Okay. So it's like the old True Grit and that's pretty much itner. Yes, but it's Mickey from Rocky, and it's only the movie he wants to watch. So it's like the old True Grit, and that's pretty much it. That's his favorite movie.

Birth of a Nation. Yeah. His wedding video while he cries. I'm going to go Bag of Heroin. Average cost of a bag of heroin, $15. Monthly subscription to Disney Plus, $7. Affordable. Wow, that's two bags of heroin.

Yeah. With a dollar left over. Yeah. Buy yourself a pack of gum. Yeah. All right. Which is higher? The amount of people killed in mass shootings in the U.S. so far this year, or the combined

lifetime kills of Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and Jason Voorhees combined? Ooh. Good pull. And that spanned across about 35 movies between the three of them. I forget what shootings were this year. I feel like if we haven't... We had a whole bunch a minute ago. That's true.

Dayton, El Paso, Garlic Festival. Jesus, I don't even remember any of these wait garlic festival oh yeah they should get the garlic festival and fucking gilroy um i'm gonna go mass shootings just because i feel like those movies it's mostly they just kill like one or two ladies you know gotcha gotcha yeah but i haven't seen any of the movies either so i've seen a couple but yeah they'll usually it ranges from three to five die it's usually just like teenagers being scared right yeah well it depends on which one too a fucking uh something like michael myers maybe kill two or three guys sometimes but fucking jason will kill

like 20 dudes right ah i'm gonna this to, this is tough. This is tough. Hmm. Sorry. This just covered your fucking burp. Well, you burped it. You know where, listeners, you know where Lila's little arm thing goes? That's the part of his arm Tom burped into. You burped like a Dracula.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you were about to reveal your burping cape. It hurts to laugh. I'm going to say there's no stakes. You can just pick one. I know. Every time we do this.

You know what? I'm going to say Garlic Festival. There's no way in answer for sure. People killed in mass shootings this year, 246. Combined kills of all those monsters, 275. So barely. Wow. Five months left of 2019.

Damn. And last but not least, this one's more fun, I promise. Which is more? The number of teeth a great white shark has or the number of pounds that I weigh? Okay. What stage of teeth a great white shark has or the number of pounds that I weigh. Okay. Like what stage of the shark's life? Like when they're born? We're talking standard like optimal amount of just what a shark has. It's gotta be shark teeth. Okay.

They got like 500 fucking teeth. I did a lot of research. There's a lot of like sort of fluctuation in shark amounts but this seems to be the most consistent like standard. Are you talking great white shark? They have them like a PEZ dispenser. They just pop back in. Yeah. Their faces are just like a bunch of pianos.

It's just tons of keys. And I'm going to say that a shark has more teeth than you are fat. Their faces are like pianos, man. Just tons of keys. If I'm correct, I'm going to say the average is around 320 teeth all right well you're well this is like if you're wrong i'm off by a lot huh you're wrong on

this one this is your two biggest areas of expertise is fatness and animals number of teeth great white shark has 240 the number of pounds i weigh 240 wow damn split down the middle yeah that was pretty fun That's a fun one That's it for Price Check Everybody we'll be right back After some Zim Invoice Podcast

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It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email Or give us a call Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's a motherfucking mean postman who brags Yeah, that's a fucking song, bitch. It's our jingle.

Tom, how are you holding up? You know what? I've been better. But, you know, I don't know. I was hoping you, yeah, I have nothing. I'm in pain. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's fine.

I thought I'd just contextualize what your listener experience and give you, you know. I was trying to be, first, my brain goes, first try to be witty. That usually doesn't end up panning out anywhere. Then it'd be ridiculous. And then third, just be honest. And the honesty hurts. I like the way you said ridiculous. Then be ridiculous.

Mr. Party Beer would like to know, with the 9-11 slam dunk spectacular less than a month away, how's the training going? Here's the deal with the 9-11 slam dunk spectacular It's not happening We pretty much forgot about it immediately Here's what genuinely happened Everybody seemed really gung-ho

And then the next day I was like Hey, let's start planning And I don't know why, but you guys both seemed really mad at me for trying to plan Oh, I wasn't mad at you I just thought of all the times I was covered in pee And I got sad I forgot that part of it was getting covered in pee. Yeah.

That would have been funny. But, yeah, no, we're not doing it. We'll do something else fun for 9-11. Yeah, well, I guess we got to get Steve Rennes easy back on. We'll text him. Or hijack a plane. That'd be fun. We could do that, yeah.

We could hijack a drone at least. Oh, yeah. That's just beating up a guy and taking a controller. What if we're not really hijacking? Let's hijack a sw at least. Oh, yeah. That's just beating up a guy and taking a controller. What if we're not really hijacking? It's more theft. Let's hijack a swan boat at Echo Park Lake. Like, swim out there fair and square and just take it. You fall in that water, you die of some disease that hasn't been discovered yet.

That's some nasty-ass water. They light them up now. That's also when you can really see a great metaphor for America, where there's the people in the lit-up swan boats, and then across the street is just people sleeping on the ground. Yeah. Strung out on heroin.

It's pretty gnarly. Let's go paddle. As the bird scooter rolls past. Yeah. Fruity Dinosaur asks, how strong is the catharsis for Tom to finally have the album done? Also, when is more cooking videos?

Okay, I don't know about the cooking videos. That's not a spectacular slamming of dunkery. That's something I do want to know about the cooking videos. That's not a spectacular slamming of dunkery. That's something I do want to do, the cooking videos. And catharsis, I mean, I still, I don't know. I'll feel what I feel when the thing is published and I don't have to. Basically, my attitude was like, I'm not going to worry about anything anything and I'm a record it and and make sure I'm ready and, you know, go on all that stuff. And then right now it's not as much catharsis. It is panic over the back pain and having a zillion things to do and the fucking you know not having so it's not as much being cathartic as being

thrown into a pit of sharks that is the life surrounding me right um once you remove that big thing it's like then you have to focus on all the other yeah you know so um i mean i feel good about the taping like i i don't i don't those they're separate things like i feel good about how i went and i'm excited to listen to it and the edited version of it i i feel like everyone on the fucking show killed i had a good a good set and and i think the recording will sound really good and i think people will enjoy it uh but right now there's too much bullshit happening around me for me to enjoy any of it. I'm sorry, buddy. I know.

Just when it was time to have the summer of Tom. Yeah. Oh, if it didn't go well right now, I would have definitely killed myself because I am in a lot of pain. Oh, Jesus. Well, hey, good. Thanks for coming, guys. Oh, this is a fun one.

ShortbuzzMurphy asks, what's an animal that isn't normally used as meat that you want to eat? Oh. Lady. People. Yeah, I mean, man is genuinely my answer. Well, I know you want to eat a guy. If it's ethically sourced. Yeah.

There's somebody who wants to be eaten, part of, and then nobody dies. Yeah. I would nibble. You would eat a guy who was still alive that's much better that would be the most i like fat yeah that would be the most uh cared for thing you've ever eaten it's it's a lot of like fat yeah i'm trying to think what is an animal i mean i'm not a big animal eater. Oh, panda. Yeah. If you're going to go, go big. They want to die. They don't fuck. They're so depressed.

I'd eat a penguin sushi roll. Yeah. You know? That would be good. That would be too chewy. I know, but yeah, I would feel funny that I was eating a penguin. Because they're so cute. It's too nice of a preparation.

I think the most disrespectful thing to do would be kill something fancy and then eat it in a really shitty way. Like I want like Kentucky Fried Penguin. Yeah, Rhino on a stick. Put a bald eagle on like a Whataburger bun. Exactly. Yeah. All right. Make a bald eagle double down.

That'd be funny. Yeah. How often in the writer's room do you guys say, let's call it day of a spade? Starting tomorrow until forever. Yeah. No, I don't really like that one okay never mind i mean keith can do it but i won't be doing it uh what was your favorite album in high school oh definitely the one i'm gonna release so yeah all my favorite albums in high school were just the same shit i listen to now i don't. If I had to go in overall, I mean,

maybe 36 chambers I listen to pretty much the whole time. 90% of people are going to roll their eyes when I say this, and 10% are going to fist bump, but definitely System of a Down, Toxicity, the one on the hills. Yeah.

I always forget if that album is called Toxicity or Chop Suey because it's the same one. But I had that on CD and I had a Discman and I fucking listened to it over and over and over again. So that and then I think Top of the Hill was the Tom Waits album that I had and I listened to those too. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Top of the Hill. A lot of Wu-Tang and Feeding of the 5,000 by Crash. Yeah. I was not fun to be.

Oh, and the Eminem show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mine is, it's got to be American Idiot, McGreenday, which is still top ten. Yeah, we'll peace offering. We won't make fun of each other. We've done this enough. I hate Greenday.

Keith hates good music. Yeah, that's what it is. I don't like the four bands you know of. Yep. What else we got? What kind of music do you want to hear most when you're sad? The video of Tom listening to Hey by the Pixies. It's really rough.

He's in the other room laying down. He's drunk, I think. Oh, I am hammered. And then the song ends, and you hear Tom just go, play it again. But you can barely hear what I'm... I'm not very understandable. The song ends, it's this big crescendo. Yeah.

I go, play it again. It's more just like the sad guy at the bar, like, play it again. Oh, yeah, but it's all... Every letter that should not be in the words play it again oh yeah but it's all there's all every letter that should not be in the words play it again is in is in those words it's i need to find that video right it's a funny video uh when i'm sad uh there's a few songs i used to listen to because it can make me cry right but uh yeah i haven't really done that in a while i listen to i feel like i listen to a lot of elvis costello when i'm sad okay i don't really done that in a while. I feel like I listen to a lot of Elvis Costello when I'm sad.

Okay. I don't really know why exactly. I feel like that's a good, like, sort of recharge place for me. He's a dad, right? Probably. Yeah. I wouldn't be, like, line one on the resume. Elvis Costello being a father?

Yeah. Probably multi-platinum recording artists Would go above Right You know Saturday Night Live guest Like there's a lot of Was in an Austin Powers movie

Famous people named Elvis You know Short list What was the question? What are you listening to when you're sad? Oh yeah I listen to a lot of Elliot Smith When I'm sad

That makes sense Yeah We're really showing the range of music I listen to. Just music that reminds me of other times in my life. Yeah, I get that. Well, let's switch gears. Bookback Becca asks, if you had to stretch your penis into your own butt or suck 20 butt-sized penises, what would you do? Is it butt-shaped or butt-shaped? Butt-sized.

The size of an ass, but it's a dick. And I have to suck it? Well, I can't get my mouth around it. You have to suck 20. That's the look therein lies the rub. You've got to figure out a way to make this thing come with your mouth. I guess I could just bite down on it until I could cram it in my mouth. You're going to chomp through it? Yeah, but then the gigantic man it's attached to

might have an issue with that. Even if you get through all that, that's dick one. one you got to do this 20 times you're gonna be full well i'm a fucking well here's the issue though i'm a grower uh not a shower in the least and my dick has a hard upward bend when i get erect it points to my fucking face it doesn't and if i try to tilt it even slightly because it only wants you to see it. Yeah. Well, it's like my dick is hungry, and it just looks at me like, dad, papa, feed me some pussy. Spit worms into me. Yeah.

And then I barf into my dick. Oh, you're a dick. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Yeah, so it's like I can't even if I get it as big as it goes, it might kind of reach my ass. But it's like to bend it all the way it goes, it might kind of reach my ass. But to bend it all the way down there, I would pull blood. I'd rip my dick out like a weed by the roots, I feel like. I've tried to do this before.

I just kind of thought it would be funny to see if I could get my dick to reach my butthole. What are you sitting on soft? You could probably stretch your foreskin. You could probably cheat. It's not crazy soft. I definitely grow more than a show. Your dick has a pair of breakaway pants attached to it. It does.

You gotta think of a foreskin as warm-up pants. Your dick can rip them off and they're a basketball. I've gotten the tip of the foreskin to the outer rim of the asshole. I guess if I lost a little weight and maybe did some sort of gauging training with that guy in Mexico who stretched his dick out,

I could probably do it. I don't know how inserted it has to be. I've got to lose some weight so I can fuck my own ass so I don't have to suck these butt-sized cocks. Well, that's a Hall of Fame soundbite right there. Yeah. Guys, I'm trying to lose weight. Why?

So I can fuck myself in the ass backwards with my foreskin. That'd be pretty cool. Well, and then I wonder if you can clench your butt cheeks tight enough that you could hold it there, like if you could pinch on the skin. That's what I'm wondering, is if you've got to get it into the hole for this challenge or just into the area.

Yeah. Yeah, that I couldn't say. I mean, this seems like a good new Instagram trend to start, you know, the bottle cap challenge. Yeah. Keith Carey starts the fuck your own butt challenge. There is a porn where a dude shoves his cock up his ass. No kidding?

Yeah, there's gotta be. Well, I'm Googling it. Yeah, let's pull that up. We'll give a little play-by-play. Have you ever put anything in your ass, Tom? No. Not even like a finger or anything? I mean, I lost a race car this way,

but that was it. No, I'm kidding. No, I mean, I've like... I don't think I've ever heard you talk about it. No, I've put a finger there just to make sure it was clean. How far in? Like a pinky? Like one digi?

Oh, like a fingertip. Like a knuckle? Yeah. Not even a knuckle. There's a whole world of this. I've tried fingers in the... I've tried every number of things. I've given my ass plenty of opportunities to impress me, and every time it's just a

bummer. There, here we go. This is not even the video that I was talking about. I Googled this, and there's a lot of these, apparently. Well, there's got to be. This is called self-fuck-ass. Okay, self-fuck-ass. Wearing the standard boxer, which is the least sexy version of...

Okay, man. Well, this dick's got a... It's already pretty hooked, you know? Yeah. It's not a very big blow. His dick looks like the thing that comes out of John Hurt in Alien. It looks like Alf's nose. Well, the hard, the rub, as we're finding, is getting it over the balls.

He's got a lot of ball going on. He does have a lot of ball. Well, you've got to, like, pull him off to the side, you know? Okay. I think that. He's getting it going. Yeah. Well, he's got to also kind of get hard, but, you know.

This is hurting my balls. And he's got to, like, weigh that against fucking his own ass. He's getting it in there. Yo! This is honestly pretty. It looks like he's having a good time ah okay well now he's oh god damn he's really squeezing his balls which is like yeah he knows what where he's at better than i do but it looks painful man he's he pulled that off so easily i know he has like an eighth of the dick that you do too yeah no he's got a bigger dick this guy's got a longer dick for sure yeah maybe it's on a smaller screen it's not a smaller guy i can never decide where i'm at with having my balls squozing you know i'm pretty done looking

at this sometimes i'm like that feels nice and sometimes i'm like cut it out really but it's never like amazing it's always kind of like slightly good or bad i like a gentle squeeze i don't want like a full-on like rack them i don't want a full clown horn baffa baffa hey yeah i'm not like a big i'm not a big ball suction person yeah i like a ball lick like a ball tease like yeah i don't have that many nerve endings like on the skin of my balls yeah you know my balls only no pain like they're really that's really the only sensation they're aware of. Yeah, they've got that elephantine skin. My balls are just fucking drinking in a VFW somewhere. It'd be funny if Keith had a wheelchair for his balls.

Oh, yeah, that was me needing to bring this up on the podcast. Lieutenant Ned. Keith often falls asleep when we're driving home from work, and I feel like he's got this weird kind of internal compass because he'll be completely asleep through every number of twists and turns. But when we get close to the house, he starts waking up like a dog that knows mom's coming back from groceries. It's fucking crazy because it happens like every day. Yeah. And I'm like, how does he know?

I'll look at you and I'll go, how does he know? I have no idea because it's not like it takes the same amount of time. Sometimes it's 45 minutes. Sometimes it's 20 minutes. It really varies incredibly. But I will conk out around fucking Western and I will wake up right around fucking uh the the glendale off ramp it's real weird yeah but it's like as soon as i round the as soon as i make that left onto uh our street he always just and i'm like what i made a bunch of lefts before i was always a fall asleep in the car kid and i

would kind of do the same thing where i always woke up like a block before the house interesting yeah it's like a weird yeah i never thought about it well i think i think it's part of it might be the inertia is different because you're off you're off the free like don't you feel like it's on the freeway usually is that when i wake up oh really yeah really i noticed you like stirring i guess near the house but it does kind of depend yeah yeah. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you'll be, like, snoring until we get to the, like, until we're 300 feet away from the house. Right. And then you come to.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry about that, by the way. It was pretty funny. I want to say you guys get home. I don't care. I just noticed it, and I meant to brought it up. And both of you have your headphones in, looking straight, not talking to each other as you pull up.

Ah! Oh, buddy, I'm sorry, man. Let's wrap this one up and get Tom in. Yeah, that's the show. We'll answer more questions later. We got some for maybe a bonus episode. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, Los Angeles, I'm at the Ice House this Sunday, Saturday, August 31st,

whatever that is, if you want to come, I'm at the Ice House. I'm doing nothing. Hang on, let me... Tom's about to hurt his I'm at the Ice House. I'm doing nothing. Hang on. Tom's about to hurt his back plugging his dates. Okay. On September 3rd, I'm at the Improv, and I don't remember if it's Ontario or Brea. So I'm going to go ahead and have to get back to you guys on that. It's Ontario because I'm doing that too Oh you are

I think yeah It's Alfonso right Yeah okay Ontario Improv Yeah September 3rd Cool Alright guys

Smell you late Alright Fuck everything guys Take care Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye.