Mean Boys - EP 209 - Nutsack Equations (feat. Dave Sirus)

Episode Date: September 5, 2019

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Hey, it's Radio Voice Tom. Well, I'm here to tell you about the current episode you're listening to. Drive Tom Tom, coming to you on 95.5 KLOS. With Keith Carey. Hey. Connor McSpadden. Is gone. We should have just added in the sound of a tumbleweed. Yeah, just us doing the intro this week.

Connor's off writing the Alec Baldwin roast. We had a really fun episode here with our buddy Dave Cyrus. Yeah. Yeah, I love Dave. Yeah, one of the funniest fucking people in the world. We love him so much. I should get him in there, too. Dave Cyrus.

Dave Cyrus, the Jewish guy. Weather, weather, weather. They control it. But no, fucking check out Dave. All his social media and stuff is plugged down below in the show notes. Real good hang. What do we got to talk

about this week? On the episode? As far as, like, the intro. the intro oh well we have a patreon yeah that's what we do that's that's a good time what happens if they pay five dollars a month you get a bonus episodes we just cut one with uh andre guzetta that'll be out later this week yeah if you like i don't want to spoil it but there is strange pornography a wolf and a medical emergency yeah yeah that's a pretty standard mean boy stuff five bucks a month gets you access to all those it, but there is strange pornography, a wolf, and a medical emergency. Yeah. Standard Mean Boys stuff. Yeah, five bucks a month gets you access to all those bonus goodies.

We got the Reddit and the Discord going. If you want to hang out with your fellow Mean Boys fans, we'll become a thriving Amoeba-like community, almost disconnected from us entirely at this point. Yeah, they're their own thing at this point. Yeah, they've got their own deal. I used to go in and be like, oh, they're talking about Carnock. That's fun. Now I'm like, oh,

they're like nine inside jokes deep. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah. I'm the substitute teacher trying to understand these kids. Yeah, yeah. You guys are having fun over there. Other than that...

The Reddit is still semi-us related. Yeah. Lights Out with David Spade. Keep watching it. Helps us out a lot. Listen to Leaving the Tribe. Yeah, my other podcast. Listen to that.

Tom's other superior podcast. I wouldn't call it that, but it's a good show, and you should listen. Also, follow the Bean Boys on Twitter and Instagram. Yeah, follow us on all the social medias. Other than that, kick back, relax, and enjoy this week's. Oh, can I plug one more thing real quick? Absolutely not. Enjoy this week's.

No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. I just want to give a shout out to, since we brought up my other podcast, Full90Design made the image, and I really appreciated it, and they do good work. Are they on Instagram? They aren't. They're on. Full90Design, you can hit them up by Gmail.

Okay. You panicked because I tried to help you plug a thing. I know. And look, it's all under the table with the operations I run. It's real basement brother shit.

Shout out to the Russian mafia enforcer that designed Tom's album artwork. Yeah. Or podcast artwork. Yeah, podcast artwork at Full90Design. No, not at Full90Design. No, not at Full90Desire. There's no at.

Don't they have a website? No, they have an email. Go to the email if you want. Enjoy this week's episode with Dave Cyrus. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. You know whose number wasn't in Jeffrey Epstein's little black book? Jesus. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss.

I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Casper the Friendly Ghost, if you live to be 40. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, you just look like the physical version of that Casper the Friendly Ghost, if you live to be 40. Kind of. Yeah, you just look like the physical version of that, the Casper shape. I always forget you're not 23. Thank you. You look so young.

How old are you, Dave? 40. Are you really 40? Yes. Are you serious? Thank you for your gasps. No, I'm... I had the same reaction when we were in New York that one time.

I say that morbidly. You look good, but you're hanging out with us. Yeah. I'm turning 41 Thursdayly. You look good, but you're hanging out with us. I'm turning 41 Thursday. Oh, congratulations, man. I am no longer celebrating my birthday years old. Oh, yeah. You're everybody's shut up years old. Let's play you a party. I'm glad we aired

this in the first 30 seconds of the podcast. I was thinking of going to 2-Bit Circus. What is that? Some kind of video game place? It's that new indoor amusement park downtown. I don't know about that. I've not heard about this. They have like, it's like a Dave and Buster's, but also like a dozen different weird rooms. Not just escape rooms, but they also have like, you know, shooting zombie rooms.

Oh, shit. PR stuff. It looks... That sounds dope. Looks like exactly the sort of thing a 40-year-old should be enjoying. 100%. Oh, for sure. Damn, that sounds rad.

Dog, your fucking, your beard on the side is ridiculous splotchy it's not even splotchy it's like splotchy implies uneven coverage there's no coverage it looks like someone half erased a whiteboard it's got a lot of it looks like when the tropical storm is forming

you know and it's just like a couple swirlies out in the middle of nowhere where did your jowl follicles go on strike? I didn't bring a razor, so I'm really white-knuckling this whole face thing until I get back. And like, I... It's like every hair on my face is in business for itself.

Like, nothing even... There's not one facial hair style that I would be able to consistently grow. Not even sideburns. It's like literally the hairs next to each other, like fucking making weird choices. This is really the facial hair of a guy that spends his days debunking things on YouTube. You know?

It's a very conspiratorial kind of facial hair growth pattern. Barber, give me the well actually. The one day that I actually acted in the movie, the makeup person who had to shave me. What movie for the listeners? Oh, sorry. I recently wrote a movie with Pete Davidson and Judd Apatow. So the one day that they're shaving me, she has the shave in my face.

Right. Clarify. The makeup woman, very accusatorily, was just like, your hair is going different directions. I'm not telling it to you, lady. You want me to get up and comb my wispy beard? There's nothing I can do about this. Should I get a pic? Like, what's your plan here?

The best part is it's been this way since I was 13, and that whole time people were always just like, give it time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they've been saying that to me for 20 years, and I'm just like, every time I shave, it just fucking, if I wait more than 48 hours, it just grows in immediately fat. Like, it just grows like an extra five pounds on my fucking neck. See, I think the facial hair slims down my face right well because you you do the i know how to groom it correct you know that you do the thing where you give yourself a jaw yeah that's like the fucking move as a fat guy as you create your own jaw your jaw is whatever you want it to be if you can grow a full beard oh yeah i'm so jealous it would be so great if i had the option of like

shaping my face And stuff Yeah but you don't even Have to play with To like do that Nothing Otherwise you'd have Like the turtle from Entourage Like a chin strap

You're like amazingly smooth For 40 Yes yes I am You know like you're Just the texture of you It's like Do you moisturize Or is this just like

A life of like A Jewish indoor existence The only thing I can say Is that like Not drinking that much Okay Not drinking that often Like What about like Red Bull. Okay. Like, not drinking that often. What about, like, Red Bull or coffee and shit?

Are you drinking that? Yeah, I drink coffee. Okay. No, one or two cups. Not, like, a lot. And, like, I'm not even that hydrated. It's just my mom looks really young. Okay.

So, like, it's not too bad for your skin. Your skin looks better than mine, man. It dehydrates. If you're dehydrated, then your skin will look better. I feel like if you drink a bunch of energy drinks, you start getting an energy drink face. Your face always looks like it's raping. With your eyes and the crow's feet. Your eyes get fucked up.

The thing is, you're Irish. A lot of Irish people, even the babies, look like prize fighters. It's true. You're going to look ghoulish in like eight years. We fucking age like bananas, man. It's not good. It's not good. I feel like you might end up with that Ted Bundy thing where he's handsome and then he

smiles and the line from his eye connects to his ear. Yeah. He's got a face like a Mad Magazine folding. It totally changes the fucking situation. Your only hope is if your face crags up with dignity like a Jason Isaacs or something like that. You want to look wise and not shitty. Yeah, you can either look tough or you just look like you're dying.

Those are the two. Like Conan is like dying. I have the face where I don't have a lot of lines on it, but I feel like that's because eventually the whole face is going to kind of slough off at once. You get that old man pelican. You're going to kind of slough off at once. Yeah. You have that just like you get that old man pelican. You're going to wake up 80. Yeah, your whole face is just going to slowly. I think your like nose and cheeks are just going to be like two inches lower. Yeah.

You know, and it'll just be kind of like flopping around. I want to be that kind of old guy. Like a bad tit. I want to be that old guy where like the earlobes just keep growing until like. You know, like just hanging on the shoulders and shit. Yeah, where like it's like as an old man you don't notice, but if it was like a young person you'd just scream at them in the street. You'd run away.

Right. How was it working on it? Was that your first movie set you ever worked on? First movie. Yeah. That's crazy, man. What was the experience like?

Because you've done a lot of TV shit. I mean, yeah. You've done weekly, you've done, you know, the special event shit, but it's a different beast, I imagine. Oh, God, completely. I mean, it was really,

it's just the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me. Oh, for sure. To get to do, to like leapfrog the industry. Well, dude, yeah, the last time you were here, you were like, I was fucking hanging out at a house with a helipad on the fucking roof. And I was like, man, good for Dave. Like, you're succeeding in a way that every time you're here, it makes less and less sense that you would be near any of us.

Yeah, like the fact that I even mentioned that I'm going to roast battle again, you were like shocked by it. They were like, what are you doing, man? No, I love being the- Is the fur coat store closed on Tuesday? Yeah. There's no prostitutes to kill on Tuesday at 10? You've been in my neighborhood. It's actually the fur hat store.

Oh, yeah, it's true. There's a giant fur hat store in that corner. Wait, you still live in there? Of course. I'm not going to leave there. It's free. Well, yeah. For the listening audience, Dave lives in a neighborhood where everybody is rooting for Ivan Drago.

It's a very old, Russian, angry neighborhood. My block is all Orthodox Jews, and I live for free because I live in the apartment that my great-grandmother died in. Didn't even change the bed sheets. Snooped right in. Wait, so did you inherit it, or is that just the rules of the neighborhood? Is it a curse? Yeah, he was just the first person to walk into the apartment, therefore he owns it didn't want to waste money yeah but you didn't really answer my question and this is i'm extreme ignorance of the jewish culture but it's so did

she leave leave you the house or they just like well you know fucking no no my ma cyrus died there we can't evict him because of no just because like my family was like uh we don't really want to you know sell it right now so you can live there for you know a while see i like to picture that there's a landlord and every time they come over you have to dress up like your great-grand like a fucking uh what do you call it a bosom buddy scenario you know who would be really great uh at that is dat fan because he's been he's been doing his mom for so long he could really nail it you know perfect because dat fan has just been honing his craft for 20 straight years now, getting that old lady thing down perfectly.

He just gets lost in the character like an undercover cop who's in too deep. You can either branch out or you can really lock in on one thing. Find the one thing you make and make it well. And at this point, he's starting to look like her. He's really a sundress away from being a dead ringer. Have you seen Dat Fan in the last 15 years?

Yes. My God. It's rough, man. Everyone follows from Grace, but he fell down some stairs from Grace. He's a nice guy. I feel bad for the guy. After a show, I went to a mic in the Inland Empire, and everyone was like, I was like, is there any room?

And they're like, like no dad fan popped in and did like 15 minutes so we're behind he's at the open bike and no one knew who he was i don't remember it was it was in like monrovia ish okay but no one he went he went there no one knew like he came in and i guess he was just like hey so if i go up they're like put your name on the list but like they start explaining to him what an open mic is. If you are doing well, you do not know what Monrovia is. The fact. Is that like a Subaru they don't make anymore?

A Subaru Monrovia. I think I remember those from the 90s. You think Chris D'Elia has any idea what Monrovia is? No. God, no. I mean, just even the fact that he's interacted with you guys lately significantly increases my respect for him. Like, that's him. That means he's doing better than I thought.

It was about six years ago. Still, same. Around the same time I met Gallagher. You sure it was Gallagher? Oh, yeah, it was. I did a show of flappers, and he runs up after me. He's like, hey, man, great set. Death fan from Last Comic Stand.

He genuinely introduced himself with his credit. And I went, oh, hey, man. And he answers his business card. He's like, hey man, great set. Death fan from Last Comic Stand. He genuinely introduced himself with his credit. And I went, oh hey man. And he answers his business card. He's like, do you want to open for me a Bray Improv? I'm like, sure man, that's cool. And he's like, so how many people do you think you could bring? Oh no! Oh man. It was the most fucking

heartbreaking. It's always like this. Oh god. Do you think we could get him for Mean Boys? Yes. You could get him for Mean Boys? Yes. Yes. You could get him for editing Mean Boys. He'd be here in an hour.

I think he lives in San Diego. That seems right. Yeah. Well, let's start him off with a bonus episode. We'll see if you can hang that before we bring you in on the main feed. That's reserved for heavy hitters like Isaac Hirsch. And other dudes that live in our house. Did you guys ever see the... With his Oprah Winfrey Network television credit,

probably has been on TV more recently than Mr. Fan. With his two-minute set on OWN three years ago, he's probably a little bit newer IMDb entry. No, that's awesome. I heard it went okay. Yeah. His own set. What were you going to say?

Now I don't remember. Do we want to address what Tom said right before we turned the recorder on? Oh, yeah. Say about what? About you saw two dead bodies in a car. Oh, yeah. Because you're doing Postmates Driver about you're going to kill a child pimp soon. I was driving Postmates Driver. I know what that means, but i like to imagine a pimp that is also a child oh it's

just a taxi driver because it seems like you're just driving around late at night seeing fucked up stuff slowly going insane yeah no i was uh i was picking up a hamburger at a denny's and uh uh it was orange and i parked the car i look over it's this old, rusted car. Right. Like, it was easily made 10 years before I was born. Okay. It's an old bit of car. I looked at it, it's too wrinkled. Like, it's not even, it was haunting.

Like, I keep thinking about it. Too just wrinkled, old. Like, it wasn't like, oh, you're 30, but you've done a lot of meth. Like, they were legit old. Right. Not moving in their car. Jesus Christ. Twins.

Twins? What? Twins. Are you sure? Old twins. They were either twins or they just happened to look exactly the same. What race were they? White.

Okay. I mean, don't old people all kind of funnel toward the same look eventually? Yeah, but they looked very much alike. I mean, everybody's a twin when you're a skeleton. Yeah. You know, the closer you get. Their skin drooped in the same places and wrinkled. Like, they had, like, this very similar.

Like, I kept holding back from, like, we're talking about a person and his reflection in the window. No. They were sleeping in different positions. No, I learned to check for that. Pull me thrice. Shame on the skeleton. Yeah. Well, no.

One of them had their head in their hands. Well, dead people don't generally do that. Well, the other one was just lean. Well, yeah. No, it wasn't for the one with the head and the hand. Best case scenario, they were nodding off on drugs, right? Yeah, but they're too old for drugs. Old people do drugs.

No, man. Old people do drugs. They look like 70. Was it so hot that you were like a person couldn't survive inside a shut car? Yeah, but the window was cracked. So I'm like, I get like. Maybe their owner just ran into the store real quick. Were you like really paying attention if they're breathing?

I was trying, because I was still a parking space over, and I was trying to see them breathe. And I couldn't see it, but I was also too far away to be like, they're not breathing. But they definitely weren't... It wasn't deep breaths. Yeah, yeah. You do see some sad shit driving postmates

Like one time I was just out at like midnight Giving someone a pizza and I just saw a dog eating a cat In the middle of the street I was just like what? God damn man I was jogging on my block that you guys stayed on And I stumbled across an ambulance Where the two ambulance workers

Were fucking in the front seat Yo that rocks. That's great. That was hilarious. Are we talking dude and a chick or two dudes? Dude and a girl. Oh, okay. Do they just go to the Orthodox neighborhood?

Because it's like, it's Saturday. They can't call 911. They've got to get a guy for that. Okay, I remember the... I have a dad fan. If somebody says anything, it's like, how'd you open your door, you fucking cheater? So I have a dad fan story. Hit me.

Dad fan was on an episode of Tough Crowd with Patrice O'Neal. Yeah, no, that's a great clip. That's a mismatch of a fight. So you know what happened. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it. I don't remember what happened. I don't know about this.

So at the end of a Tough Crowd episode, they always have, you have to write a bit about a specific topic. And everyone was like, all right. Everyone's like, all right, dad fan, do your mom impression again. Like, everyone's setting him up. And then Patrice is like, leave him alone. He's a great comic. I'll bet you anything he is not about doing my mom.

What? Do it with a French accent instead, Dat Fan. And then you see Dat Fan just panic and go, well, my son, you have to get away. He's in the chamber. The fucking Vietnamese voice is ready to go. And then they blew it up. Yep. What a cruel thing to book him.

Like, that's the comedian equivalent of fucking Carrie at prom. Yeah. Like, just the pig's blood. And culture at the roast. Yeah. Fuck, man. Hey, she was set up to have a great night. She was.

I mean, I know they gave her jokes, and she just didn't take them. If she had done the jokes they wanted her to do, she would have turned us all. I didn't see those. I mean, I saw some of them. If she had done the jokes they wanted her to do, she would have turned us all. I didn't see those. I mean, I saw some of them. She would have done fine. The jokes were great. I don't know if they were good enough to overcome her complete lack of charisma and likability. I wouldn't say she doesn't have charisma and likability.

I wouldn't say that for a second. She certainly didn't that night, but she's a very charismatic person. She's funny. I guess. I don't know. She is, man. She, but she's a very charismatic person. She's funny. I guess. I don't know. She is, man. She knows how to play a crowd. I'm not saying I'm right.

I'm just saying I've heard the argument, like, oh, Ann Coulter's funny, she's just evil, and I've never even found her all that entertaining. And people think Trump is funny, and I don't see what's funny about it. No, I'll pull something up. He had a good one. Oh, this tweet fucking rocked. Do you guys know that Ann Coulter is actually Ducky from Land Before Time? Oh, man.

You don't know how funny it is. You know the real story of what happened to that girl, right? No. Oh, she got shot in the face when she was a kid. What? Yeah, she's super dead. Whoa. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, the girl who played Ducky from Land Before Time, her dad fucking murdered suicide in her life. Oh, fuck. See? Yeah. Okay.. Oh, fuck. See? Yeah. Okay. Good movie, though. So Trump tweets,

A sad day for the Democrats. Kristen Gillibrand has dropped out of the presidential primary. I'm glad they never found out that she was the one I was really afraid of. That's a good joke. That's funny. That was Trump's tweet? Yeah. I mean, that is more clever than he's usually capable of.

Right. The motherfucker pulls one out every once in a while. I will give him that. Well, yeah, and even the things he does that are, like, you know, he's a good performer. He's, you know, like, he's kind of a good improviser in a way with that shit for his audience. It's well done for that. Like, genuinely, Batman obviously disavowed, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to buy Greenland is the funniest fucking bit a president could do.

Yeah. I feel like when I see people laughing at his rallies, it's never because he said something funny. They're just laughing out of nervousness. Is it okay that he said that? And then they always look over to the person next to them and then like, ha ha, right? Ha ha ha.

It's not the way a human being is supposed to laugh. Right. It's kind of like the way that a serial killer mistakes murder for sex. Yeah. And it crosses in their brain. But the wires are all broken. Oh, evil is comedy now.

I love the idea of a serial killer being like, I don't know what to do with my penis. He's just stabbing a sword. No, that is what they are, dude. Well, no, that's like, but the wires are crossed. I think him actually not knowing the difference and then being like, I'm going to take a girl on a date. And then why she did.

He just doesn't understand. You see him walking up to his girlfriend's house with a bouquet of flowers and a big knife. The part I really love about your version of a serial killer is that he's using a sword. You write from what you know. It's true. I don't know about that. I feel like they're actually laughing, man.

I mean... I'm not saying they should. It's good. I mean, I think they're like like i don't really i don't know that it's all like that nervous laughter i don't think you fill an arena with nervous laughter you know what i mean some of it is now though i'm sure some of it is yeah and i see your point but i don't think all of it i think it's like shoplifting i think it's like that feeling you get in your stomach like when you're a kid you shoplift yeah i think that certain people learn to feel closer to your mom carrying on the family business oh yeah just the uh the getting addicted to being naughty yeah yeah i definitely think some of that yeah i've never met a comedian who dealt with that

i'm not really that's like 90 of comedians in what they do yeah specifically the edgelord kind yeah well I've never I've never really had that thing where it's like I need to feel like what shame or like don't press that button kind of a thing

you know but there is a lot of that yeah and I bet like you know they're like people love to do something they're not supposed to I guess and then it's like

oh this is well now there's a shitload of us so it's fine you know yeah it's that kind of protection they feel they're like oh we were all allowed to come out of the closet with feeling this way yeah and we all got the joy of saying Well, now there's a shitload of us, so it's fine, you know? Yeah, it's that kind of protection they feel. They're like, oh, we were all allowed to come out of the closet with feeling this way.

Yeah, and we all got the joy of saying this thing, but none of us are culpable for having been the guy who said it. Yeah, and I do think it's literally the same psychological mechanism as being a serial killer. It's about learning to love that feeling of, I know this is wrong. Right. Damn. Wow, Dave. It's also like jerking off the feet and like, you know. Dave really getting serious.

You hang out with Judd Apatow for two months and you come back here with all your big diatribes. Podcast is a dramedy now. Yeah. And it's also going to be three hours long. So everybody buckle up. The first half is going to be pretty good. You only need two laughs. Yeah. We're not.

You only need two laughs total.. You only need two laughs total. There you go. That's comedy. Editing? Yeah. Never heard of her. Fuck. Yeah.

It's been 20 minutes since the last. Bring in Dr. Ken or something. Did you get your own trailer? Fuck no. I mean, really only actors get trailers. Okay. And like produce. So I didn't get, I was probably though the highest up person who got nothing like that.

Okay. So that's, I can be proud of that. You were the first one to be cut. You were the top at the bottom. Right. Thank you. But I did have a trailer the one day I was acting, so there was that. Oh, that's cool.

Did they trick it out? How was it? I mean, they have just a certain number of trailers that they can divvy out. So I was in the three banger, which is the smallest one. Yeah, and you just get the granola bars and the smart water. Most of them, I was in the three banger, which is the smallest one. Yeah, and you just get to fucking, you get to granola bars and the smart water. Most of them are for like, I was in there, I just walked in just to be able to say I was in it. Because I wasn't going to be able to be in it the whole day. Yeah.

Because when you're writing, there's never any time you're really off. You're pitching lines. Yeah. You're always expected just to watch the filming anyway. Right. You have to be cognizant of everything going on. So I didn't really get that kind of like, you know, you sit around waiting for something to happen. Yeah.

Yeah. So you just went in, took a a quick shit felt proud of yourself and then left no i only shit in pete's trailer oh that's a good move that'll show him that's yeah let you know where your bread is buttered buddy actors actors are such fucking pompous dipshits i fucking i can't don't you agree, who works with actors? This is part of the podcast where you should be quiet. But, like, I just... I stopped acting because they're just the fucking neediest, bitchiest, don't-do-anything

fucking people. Make everything about them. I fucking hate actors. I get it, man. That's why I dropped out of college. I went to, like, this, like, fucking... You wrote, like, an abstract or whatever, and you presented it. I don't fucking remember out of college i went to like this like like like fucking you like wrote like a abstract or whatever and you presented it i don't fucking remember what i did it was something like build your resume for transfer shit for community college okay and i just didn't like any i was just like if if this is what higher education is i'm fucking out it sucks

i'd rather not know whatever fucking secret wisdom you have in this shitty building yeah i'm like none of you people i've nobody was fun to talk to in the slightest, you know? No, every, yeah, well, I mean, and once again, I'm not speaking to any specific actors, and I'm speaking in broad terms. It's not all of them. There's some really fucking cool ones. He's really only talking about William H. Macy. But just,

yeah, it fucking, it drove me, it drove me nuts. It drove me fucking nuts. Yeah, I cannot imagine you, because I know you did a lot of, like, theater and, like, acting. Yeah, I cannot imagine you, because I know you did a lot of theater and acting. I can't imagine you in a acting group at all. Our movie was a lot of comics acting.

That's different. Those aren't actors. Those are comedians who act. Which is really cool because you get to see them doing something different and all these people I don't know about, like Ricky Velez and Derek Gaines were super funny that get to do really cool stuff. The crazy thing is though, we have a lot of people know about, like Ricky Velez and Derek Gaines who are super funny that get to do really cool stuff. Right.

The crazy thing is, though, we have a lot of comics in this. In terms of acting, the one who blew me away, the absolute best actor on that set was Rich Voss. Really? No kidding.

No. Oh, what a beautiful fucking... Wow. Man, if somebody explains to him what a podcast is, he's going to be furious. I was working... You just fucking suck a three-pointer off Keith's head, by the way. Wow, we got fucking trolled on that one, boys. Oh, I wanted... I needed so much for someone to be like, really?

Well, they'll teach me to try and keep the fucking ball in the air. I know. Well, you fucking, you just, well, again, with your Judd Apatow sincerity, I thought you were about to talk about sobriety and how it shaped him as a man or something. He was actually waiting for us to do that really during that whole Trump fucking dialogue. Yeah, he's going to be like, no, that dude fucking rocks. I'm going to pull the wall, baby. I actually like Ritz. I like his hats. I, he's going to be like, no, that dude fucking rocks. Go to the wall, baby. I actually like Rich.

I like his hats. I think it's fun. Rich is great. I think he might be the only guy who can still get away with a fedora in 2019. Yeah, because it's like, what is he supposed to do with his fucking head? Yeah.

You know? You can put something on it. He's already going to wake up and be like, oh, I'm still Rich Voss. That's a rough head a la carte. It always surprises me That Rich wears a hat Because he has his hair

And I would think At his age He'd want people to know that Yeah It's just like I'm surprised Anytime he wears a shirt But has abs

Right What is the point Of having those things He wants people to know Everything he's got Right He mentions having a BMW 30 times a day

Yeah Just walking around With a wallet open 37 loose dollars in it Yeah That's the most Embarrassing thing about me You know Being into sneakers Is it's like Just walking around with a wallet open, 37 loose dollars in it. Yeah. That's the most embarrassing thing about me, you know, being into sneakers is it's like, oh, what other comedians?

Rich Voss. Okay. Great. Oh, is he also a sneakerhead? Yeah. Good company. Rich did one of the best, like, just hanging out on the street bits one time. We were outside the stand and he was just like, you know, we're talking, we're talking one another.

He's like, so what's your podcast again? And I go, oh, it's called Me. And he just starts walking away before fucking one won. And then just committed, went around the corner, never came back. Just about the greatest moment of my life was when, at the roast battle scene, Rich started, instead of insulting me, using me to insult others. Oh, what, you were a fucking... Well, because he would walk up, he would literally walk up and be like,

open mic-er, open mic-er, writer. His roast is one of the best roasts I've ever had. It might be my favorite roast. It's great. He's got this great argument with Anthony Cumia at the end, where Anthony's like, whatever, until you make some joke about him. He's getting mad, and he says,

oh, you didn't like that joke? Well, then why don't you beat it up? Which I'm like, that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. That's rock fucking solid. Why don't you beat it up. Which I'm like, that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. That's rock fucking solid. Why don't you beat it up? And he's got nothing. He just goes,

your turn, and then just fucking crash. It's great. All right, well. It's almost worth having a known woman abuser at your show. Yeah.

Ugh. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Fuck. Well, was there any woman on the dais? Of the Vos roast?

Yeah. Yeah. Jackie Gold. Well, then that could be a problem. Judy's great. Yeah, Judy Gold and Bonnie. Well, you don't know that. That's a fair point.

And Big Jay does this bit about Judy Gold, and he's like, she's 57 years old. She's 6'1". She weighs 213 pounds. Here's some other celebrities with those dimensions. Evander the Real Deal Holyfield. I'm like, man, that was one of the most creative ways to roast someone. He goes on this whole list of people, but the last one

where he just goes, Evander the Real Deal Holyfield. The Real Deal is the most interesting. I lost my mind. That dude was an amazing boxer. He was a cheater. What do you mean? He had a living helmet on his face. What do you mean?

The guy's skull was like a helmet. That's not cheating. Nobody would headbutt people with it all the time. Well, that's like saying Michael Phelps is cheating because he has big arms, you know? No, but I mean, no, like, that was the thing. Evander had, like, this weird, like, extra skull in front of his face, it looked like, and he would always headbutt you. And, like, that's how, that's why.

Kind of like in demolition derbies when you want a station wagon, because it's got that really solid back end to ram into shit, you know? Sure. You said that like it was such a common piece of knowledge. That's why Tyson bit his ear. I'm from Chino, man. I know shit about demolition derbies. Tyson said that's why he bit his ear, because he's like him get away with head-butting me in the eyes all night.

I thought it was a bat. You know? So it's perfectly justified. Wait, sorry? I thought he bit a bat. You're thinking of Ozzy Osbourne. I am thinking of Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne, Mike Tyson.

I get it, you know? They've all bided shit. They're similarly eccentric, I guess. Ozzy Osbourne did fight a dove for the heavyweight championship once. Did he really? Why are you asking that? He had a head off a dove before the bad incident. Oh, okay.

Yeah, he'd already bitten a head off a dove. I think you thought a dove was someone's name, huh? No, I didn't. I thought this was some kind of WWE bit. There was a guy in a dove costume and Ozzy Osbourne chokeslammed him. That's what I was picturing, which is retarded, I'll admit.

But I can see how you got there. The funny thing is the bat was something like someone threw a bat on stage while he was on stage and he just bit the head off. He thought it was fake. Thinking it was like a rubber bat. The bird was in a meeting with executives. There was no audience there. He just thought that that would look cool. That was his ice cube taking a bat to the office for his residual money.

You know? If you bite the head off a dove in a meeting, I'm listening. It was the 80s. It was a different time. You're either definitely not getting the job or you're getting the shit out of the job. I know. I've always wanted to do something really stupid in an important meeting. You know?

Just wear some insane outfit or make some some big choice wear headphones during it or uh yeah yeah you know like ari the rugged man famously literally shit and wiped his ass with his def jam contract they offered i think it was def jam it was either four like in the room uh that's what he says and i just feel like, or maybe he did it in the building and then showed it to them. And I feel like that's one of those things where like, I bet that felt like a great idea before you were literally shitting in your hand. Yeah.

Well, you know how sharp that kind of paper, does that feel good on your ass? Not to mention, I don't think it's... I've tried to wipe with it before. I've been in a pinch myself, and it's not great. I don't know how big of a contract it is, but it seems like it's not enough to wipe a whole ass. Well, I don't think you did a good job. You're walking out of there with poo on your hand and your butt, and you're just like, who really learned a lesson?

You feel like a big winner for a second, and then you're just taking the subway home. You're not even getting paid to buy. You're on the subway with fucking poo finger. You guys ever had to literally do the sock wipe? Oh, I've done a sock wipe. I refuse to do that. I did cut the sleeve off a shirt and use that. How is that better, walking out with no socks?

You could miss that. Walking out with one sleeve. You cut one sleeve off? Why did you have scissors but not toilet paper? No, you rip it. Oh, you just ripped it off? Yeah. Like you fucking hulked out?

Yeah. No, when I ripped the other sleeve off, too, I was like, God, this is cool. I feel cooler. It was really just like, there's no ding in my butt. I gotta start. One time, Tom came out of the bathroom in a tank top walking bow-legged.

And everyone, man, that guy for sure ripped his shirt to wipe his ass. Wow, look at this gay cowboy who came out of the men's room. Now, have you ever seen construction workers with one sleeve? That's why. Well, no. Now you're saying that like when you see a lizard with no tail, it means a cat got him. A construction worker with one sleeve. That's why. Well, no. Now you're saying that like when you see a lizard

with no tail, it means a cat got him. A construction worker with one sleeve. Everyone knows it means he was wiping his ass on the site. Yeah, no, it's true.

I would love to find out. I bet it is. It means he wiped his butt and there's six more weeks of winter. It probably would be true if that ever happened, which maybe three times.

It happens all the time. They're building the fucking bathrooms. They have porta-potties on the site. Yeah, porta-potties. You know how well they're kept. Well, I guess they could run out of toilet paper, but you know. I'm picturing Tom ripping off a sleeve to wipe his ass with

and then ripping off the other sleeve. And when people say, oh, so the shirt would make sense. No, I just figure I'm going to need this soon anyway. I probably use it as some sort of bandana or something. I'd be like, see, I'm a cool camp guy. I'm a crip. I used to wear a t-shirt sleeve on my head with my hair coming out of it. Dear God.

Yeah. Were you trying to make waves in your hair? Was that? No, I just thought it was kind of a cool hat. I was, okay, I'm hiking once in a canyon around here with a girl I was in love with at the time. Not dating, like a girl I was friends with and deeply in love with. Right. The night before we had split a bottle of...

Friend zone. Yeah. Well, not exactly, but a girl I was recently becoming friends with and, you know, was falling in love with. Hadn't tried to make the move. Yeah, yeah. And so we split a bottle of the cheapest vodka we could get the night before. So we're hiking, and I realize there is absolutely nothing that's going to stop me from shitting

very soon. So I have an excuse where I need to disappear for a few minutes. You know, I'm going to go find a place to pee. Right. 300 yards away. And I ended up having to just use the underwear itself and just leave it in this very, I mean, as well lit part of this canyon as possible. And then just spend the rest of the day just desperately trying to not let my balls show through these shorts I had on.

So I was only wearing my shorts. Yeah. And I got no underwear, and I'm just going to hold... And well, it's a hot day. The balls are descending, you know? That's true. They're coming out the bottom. Your balls are safe.

You know they have that formula for, like, how many times the crickets chirp, and you can figure out the temperature you do in elementary school? I've never heard that. Never heard of that. Yeah, you count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, and then you can do some multiplication. You can find out the temperature you do in elementary school. I've never heard of that. Yeah, you count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute,

and then you can do some multiplication. You can find out the temperature. You were homeschooled? No, this is California public school. But I fucking – I wish they had that with, like, your ball length, where you're like, all right, you're two centimeters below average. I'm looking at this stuff. I don't think this is real.

I believe they told you it, but I – No, it's real. I mean, I did it in school. I don't really remember the code. But supposedly you can estimate the temperature by the cricket chirps. Interesting. The worst fucking I just remember is one sock shit of my life is when I shit my pants in my car during the San Francisco comedy competition

in the middle of this rural freeway in Northern California, and I had to go just wipe my ass on the side of the road in the fucking woods and go to the last gate that was that was when i came home with like 28 bottles of piss in my car same trip where i jacked 28 bottles of piss yeah same trip where i jacked off outside the abandoned fire station that was a really gross outing like a hunter thompson level of just fucking bodily driving back from that trip i, I fucking, I did the saddest thing. I was the first guest at the Popeye's in Burbank by Adam Todd Brown's house when it opened. And I said the saddest words of my life, for here, please. I'm just bleary-eyed, slept in my car, eating Papa.

Can I get the I have nowhere else to go special? I know, and I was supposed to go see my girlfriend at the time, so I go over to her house and she's like, you're going to die. Get the fuck out of here. You stink. And I was like, okay. That was the gnarliest stretch of car. You were just like sunken eyed and just haunted. I know.

That makes me think. I have not jerked off while driving in so long. Well, you got a car out in New York. I was thinking about doing Postmates. I just haven't thought to in like years. You ever do that? Yeah, yeah. You get on a highway and then you have to stop because there's a truck driver beside you.

Oh, I don't stop. I make eye contact. I actually did do that one time. I made eye contact with a guy while I was getting jerked off in a car. Well, that's a lot cooler. Yeah. That is a lot cooler. Well, he just kind of looked at me, and I looked at him, and he just goes, and then he just kind of drove off.

I jack off in my pants, though, usually. I just slide my cock against my leg, and I just blow in my pants. Really? That works. That's the one I'm driving. Yeah, that's how i jack off can't make you come what you can do that but you do you have a hard time coming that's crazy see i could never get off that way if it's just how i learned to jack off and i still jack off that way a lot of the time i jack off like half hard i think of like if i'm pulling up and just looking in the window of a car if i see something jerking off like that's weird but, like, that makes sense to me. But if I saw you just wiki-wiki, like, rubbing it against your head.

Rubbing my man clit? Yeah, I have so many questions. Well, it looks like this is kind of the action. So if I put my cock over here. You're doing an outer stroke, basically. Kind of, but I'm just using the friction of my leg. For the listening, it looks like you're playing a really low guitar. It does, yeah.

Like the Basket Case video. Do you have the time to come inside my pants? I'm trying to get to Phoenix. I am running late. Stressed out about my gig. Should have done this in the truck stop bathroom. This is one of those semi-flaccid tools. Sticky at my show,

no doubt about it. The hand motion is that tell-tale Dear God, Please Get Hard. Where you're using your fingers, kind of like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you kind of, like, just, like, like a doorstop to try to get. Come on, blood. Go there.

Using every finger individually because there's not enough to just grab on. Like you're playing a trumpet. Yeah, yeah. No, I've been. Look, man, I'm on Zoloft. I know all the tricks. Trying to wake my dick up like an old dog. Like, come on. Go for a a walk got a steak for you he's

like yeah hold on it's got to go out put in the sun for a minute i did i did a real jacking off while driving power i have a window mount with a magnet and a little magnet in back of my case i'm just pop it on it's very convenient and i got bluetooth in the prius so the last time i did it i was coming back from a gig in ari and I just put porn up and I played it through the Bluetooth and I just had a little, I'd look over and Jack,

I'd watch the road, look over. That's just nice. It was, yeah. A lot of long drives in this game. There really are, yeah. And a lot of,

yeah, who's being wrong to be jerking off on your car on the freeway until 2 in the morning or there's no one around. You're saving yourself 10 minutes in sleep.

Yeah, there you go. Wait, what? Well, because you're doing it while driving instead of when you get around. You're saving yourself ten minutes in sleep. Yeah, there you go. Wait, what? Well, because you're doing it while driving instead of when you get home. Oh, I see what you're saying. I go for round two when I get home.

Nice. You know. We've got to chap it up. Well, guys, I think we're all fired up. I think the old Mean Boys podcast will be right back

right after this. Hello, everybody. I'm Kevin Feige from Marvel Studios. Recently, we announced our slate of movies, streaming series, and more for Phase 4 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. But we're not stopping there.

What better place to share the future of the MCU than the 19th most popular podcast on the Starburns Audio Network? Let's take a look. Phase 5. The Fantastic Four are integrated into the universe, and Reed Richards' experiments open a dimensional rift,

paving the way for mutants to get their own spin-off series. Also, because we're committed to progressive values and, more importantly, good publicity, some of your favorite characters are getting revamped. Howard the Duck? Trans. The Living Tribunal? Boom. Filipino. Pow. In a wheelchair. Kazam. All its heads are in a committed polyamorous relationship. Oh, you know what? Fuck it, here's a gimme.

Lizzo's playing Dazzler. Yeah, dude. Start writing your glowing think pieces now, because we're finally ready to let fat chicks do stuff. You're welcome, beef queens. Phase six. By this time, Disney's merger deals will be complete with Universal, Paramount, Sony, Walmart, MLB, BP, GE,

and Chuck E. Cheese. We'll also be signing an exciting strong-arm takeover, sorry, mutually beneficial merger with the U.S. Senate. That's right, for the first time, Marvel's roster of characters will sit in seats of power in the U.S. Capitol. And we pledge that by 2024, all presidential candidates will be Marvel branded. Hope you're ready for eight years of paste-pot Pete Buttigieg. Phase 7, Marvel will kill Marvel branded. Hope you're ready for eight years of paste pot Pete Buttigieg. Phase seven, Marvel will kill your parents. Dry your tears. This is the only way to true peace.

It'll be painless. Your mother will be instantly deatomized by the Silver Surfer and your father mercifully smothered in the decadent folds of Lizzo as Dazzler's fat brave ass. Get a whiff of that sweaty courage. In time, you will not miss them. Marvel is the only family you need now. Phase 8. You will forget all that was in the before time. All that will remain is Marvel. Marvel shall be the air you breathe and the water you drink

and the dopamine that courses through your veins. Those who resist shall be pandered to with Kang the Conqueror references and weird Gwenpool merchandise until their liar's throats are coated with the glossy sheen of a variant X-Men cover. Speaking of which, we'll probably stop printing the comics at this point because

like, who could possibly give a shit? Phase 9. Marvel will eat the sun. Bite by bite, the great expanse of our brand shall consume the very light of the universe. And you, the consumer, will cower in the dark, blind and screaming and grateful for the stre light of the universe. And you, the consumer, will cower in the dark, blind and screaming and grateful for the streaks of warmth we grant you.

The last thing you see will be the image of Stan Lee, looming tall over the horizon like the statue of Christ the Redeemer. Is he here to save you, or is this just the wild spasms of humanity gone mad, a shared hallucination to dull the edges of the terrible nothingness that awaits? You'll have just enough time to realize it's a hologram we charged you for before the sky goes black and the perfection of the void swallows all. Phase 10, Beta Ray Bill's getting a solo movie. That's it gang, I'm Kevin Feige and remember, you're only batteries of meat in the ever-pulsing mechanism of capitalism. Excelsior! And the Mean Boys podcast is sponsored this week by MyBookie.

Oh, whoa, what's that? MyBookie, it's a place where you can bet on football. Whoa, I love football and betting. Dude, you do love football and games. Oh, yeah, no, I'm being genuine right now. It's hard because I'm so braced for fucking mystery here that when you say a sincere thing, it like short circuits my goddamn brain. And I'm still talking

like him. He's infectious, but no, I love both of those things. It's a new season. Who do you like this season? I like the Bears every season. But I know you know what I meant. Who do you think is going to be good this season? I think the Bears are going to be good this season. Do you?

Yes. Okay. I'm really setting you up to talk about football. Oh, yeah. No. You're refusing it. We got a rookie running back. We have a great defense.

We have Tariq Cohen still, the other running back. And he's got hands. And he can catch the ball. He can run with the ball. He's super quick and agile. Trubisky's coming in. He's starting to understand the NFL. That's pretty low praise.

No. It takes a couple years if you're a quarterback. Well, he's three seasons deep, but he finally realized you want people to catch the football. Right. The point is, he's so fast, he has a better understanding of the game now. The highest level. I think the Bears will be good this season. We did very well last season and just missed it by a kick.

Well, let's say you wanted to take some of this Patreon money. Okay. And you wanted to roll the dice on the Bears. You wanted to try and make some cash. Okay. My bookie's the place to do it, dude. My bookie is the place to bet on football every weekend. I mean, they got better bonuses and more prop bets than any other sports book.

Period. You love prop bets, huh? I love, I can't get enough of prop bets. You just like props in general. Motherfucker, I'm tired. Dude, I'm the carrot top of everything. Yeah, most of your clothing. Because I love props.

Most of your clothing is prop based. That's true. I wear exclusively spinning bow ties for pants. And this year, my book, he's hosting the first online handicapping super contest. Now, that's handicapping in the gambling term. They're not going to, like, break guys' kneecaps and make them play fake basketball. Yeah, not like other betting places. No, no, no, where they will literally kill you with a wrench.

No, but MyBookie, they keep it above, they keep it legit. Yeah. First place is guaranteed to win at least $100,000. That's insane. It only costs $100 to enter, dude. Okay. You have $100. Yeah, allegedly.

Not like lying around, but you could theoretically. $100 is the amount of money that I could get into my hands within a week. You would not have to sell a weapon or a hole to get $100. I could sell a weapon and have money left over. That's true. You could sell a hole and you'd have to pay the guy. But the point is, you could enter this. You win $100,000. How great would that be to never have to speak to me or Connor again?

I mean, I'd miss my friends. All right. Well, now the bit doesn't work. I'd miss you guys. Well, look, here's what you do. But I would feel really good about sending you all of those emails of videos of me humping my money and saying, ha-ha. I love that you're emailing us videos. Yeah.

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that we totally use. Yeah. You can't hear it, but I'm winking really hard. That's why my bookie is always the right play. And if you want to sign up, this is the dopest deal. We're actually hooking you up just for listening to this stupid show. Oh, really? For real, for real. If you get

up to a thousand dollar first deposit bonus, they will double your first deposit. Wait, for listening or for doing the show? Well, no, for listening. I mean, presumably if you did the show, you could also. Oh, okay. If you listen to the words I'm about to say. I was excited for a second.

I thought you were going to present me a deal specifically. Well, I mean, you can do it. I'm involved in the pitch. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so check it out. So if you don't, any money you donate, deposit up to $1,000, they'll match that. Okay.

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Bet, win, get paid. Yeah, I'm gonna go spend my money to make some money i like your tagline better than theirs what is their tagline bet win get paid you know what you thought i just said that everything you just said fucking ad copy you've been reading oh and the mean boys podcast is back uh And it's time to get into the Mexican joke off, everybody. Ay, so topical. Hell yeah. I'll start it off this week.

Researchers say they may have discovered the genes that make people gay. Unsurprisingly, they're cutoffs. Should I? Yeah, yeah. Roman Polanski's new film, Jacuzzi, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. It is Polanski's first historical drama in 13 years, or as he calls it, 18 years. That's a great joke. The fucking balls on that dude to keep working.

He has a movie every fucking year. It's fucking insane. Dude, I went and saw it. My girlfriend took me to go see Chinatown. It was an amazing movie. But she didn't realize who it was directed by. And it comes up directed by Roman Polanski. It was this big theater.

Everybody claps. And he's not here. What a weird move. And it is a great movie. Imagine if he didn't make good movies. And they still let him keep doing this. Yeah, but it was like Uwe Boll. I don't know.

You know Uwe Boll? He does all the bad horror. Played for the Mets. Alone in the Dark. Postal. All the bad video gamer buffs. He's like go-to bad guy. He's a Minutes kid.

All right, guys. Kevin Hart got into a very serious automobile accident last night, but he is alive thanks to his car seat. Oh, wow. It was turned around. It was a great show. I saw that. I was trying to think of something.

That was great. He's aimed in reverse, which is the joke. When I saw that, I was trying to think of something. That was great. He's aimed in reverse, which is the safe way. I know. I hope he's all right. I guess he's got major back injuries. That's the thing. If you have the car seen in reverse, it's safer for the baby, but it's more likely that they would leave Kevin Hart in a hot car.

Ironically, he fell out of the seat and he broke his head over a dollhouse. That's a great joke. I never thought of it, but guy is just he's getting left in a hot car that's very funny it's mine no i know i'm just i'm just sad i never got there can you picture him just pawing at the fucking yeah the bagel boss out of this yeah oh boy is there a war to get that bagel boss guy in the first roast battle, huh? Oh, is there? Yeah, he wants to be on a roast battle so fucking bad. Oh, you said that, and I tagged Jeff and Brian.

I saw you tag, because I saw his original tweet, and I was like, oh, it's Connor. And then I know people in New York who are also actively trying to get him there. Yeah, well, I've seen a lot of, like, podunk ding-dongs out here be like, oh, fight him. Like, you suck. He'll beat you. Yeah. Yeah, you can't let him win one. Yeah.

No, somebody has to decimate him. Dude, I would be – I would never get it. I would be honored to fight the Bagel Boss. That's not fair. I think you absolutely could fight the Bagel Boss. It shouldn't be a top ten roaster. It should be at least someone interesting. I haven't been – I haven't – I haven't been – like, I'm not ranked, I don't think. I haven't done it in forever.

No, but you're the – you're, you know you're a top ten. If somebody was saying the top ten roast battlers of all time, you'd be in it. I'd be a little annoyed it wasn't the top five. Look, we're all elite roast battlers in our respective divisions. Agreed. Yes. I feel like it should be more like a Stephen Allen dream. L.A., Jewish, special, gay.

The special roast battle. Joe Urell is like the fucking Michael Phelps of it. Yeah, me, Joe Urell, and that Asian dude, I forgot the name. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, with the fucked up arm. He's funny. He's a nice guy. Fucking Johnny Chopsticks or whatever. He's not special needs.

They all just kind of look like that. I know. There's another guy who loves sneakers, and I always talk to him about sneakers. I'm like, man, these are my peers here. Great. You're up, bud. I'm trying to think. Okay.

A Georgia man who put a baby in a freezer died in prison. No news yet on why he thought he could get away with his crime. Oh, yeah. Damn. You know what this is like? This is like when the apes get machine guns. Tom's using these fucking troll puns. Fucking Skynet just went senny.

You guys make more wordplay jokes, and they're great all the time. I used to avoid them like the plague, and I've learned there's one way to catch up with you guys. I have to play at your level. The only way that could have been a better thing is if you somehow made the wordplay on the word the. It's just a beautiful pun. It really is. I hate

wordplay, but it's all I do. I like it. No, you guys are both great at it. It's just not my strength that I've had to get better at it to catch up with you guys. Oh, fuck. Fuck, man. Scientists say a coding error in sex robots could cause them to go rogue and choke their owners. This news marks the first time any woman

has considered buying a sex robot. I mean, I hope the scientists working on that don't think that all men don't want to be choked by their sex robot. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, if I'm buying a sex robot, I want that to be available. If it's the top line, it better be able to.

Yeah, exactly. I might not use it, but I want it there be available. If it's the top line, it better be able to. Yeah, exactly. I might not use it, but I want it there. I saw the weirdest porn the other day. It was a woman and a guy having a threesome with a sex doll.

And I'm like, what are we doing? Male or female sex doll? It's female. That's not really a threesome. That's just... Well, I don't know what else to call it,

but yeah, they were fucking both... A guy fucks it and then a lady licks a balloon. Like, yeah. It wasn't inflatable. It was one of those, like, you know, real ones. What I'm saying, like, the rubber.

It's just rubber. Yeah, yeah. Nothing she can do to the sex robot that's going to feel good for her. I can't think of anything more pointless than a woman going down on a sex robot. Man, I love the idea of trying to ride a sex robot's face, though, and just be like, well, none of this works. I mean, it could be like a, like, he could cream pie it and then she could eat it out or something. She could spit into his ass and then he'd fart into her mouth. There's all sorts of shit you could do.

But when you open the pussy of the sex robot to get the cum out, it just goes like a Tupperware fart. I want to buy like a really heavy ass to like a sex robot, but just for sitting on my face, you know, to calm me down. I think we just figured out what Tom's going to do when he hits 600 reviews. Eat my load out of a robot. Alright. Now I'm just thinking about my life as a teenage robot in XJ9. XJ9?

I want to go back to your heavy ass thing because that's like a weighted autism blanket. Yeah, exactly. I always say this is a poor man's sensory deprivation tank. When you're having your face sat on, you're not thinking about the singularity or Jeffrey Epstein. None of that. You're in the moment. You're perfectly zen.

Unless you're having your face sat on by Jeffrey Epstein. Since you've said that, I keep imagining you having a rough day of work and just being like, I need some time to myself, lying down, grabbing a giant ass, putting it on your face, and it vibrates as a massager. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm picturing. You're playing classical music. No, I'm listening to soothing rainforest sounds. That's your wife is beating her kid.

That's a good one. Wife. Get to work. Get that thing off your face. Her name is Esther. That was good. That was, yeah. Esther the ass. Aster. A good. That was, yeah. All right. Esther the ass.

Aster. Aster. We fell into it. We fell into the ass. Hundreds of dead chickens covered Boreham Hill in Brooklyn for hours yesterday, with cars running over them in the hot sun until the entire street was covered in blood and skin. Disgusted residents said, still better than L.A. chicken.

All right, guys. Well, Ireland plans to plant 440 million trees in the next 20 years. They plan to use them to build some more of those stairs their wives keep falling down. Man, nothing's more of a fun throwback than just mocking the white. Like, you know, like the specific white.

Like Irish Italians. Oh, yeah, man. I want to go back to ireland you know i'd like to go i'd like to i would you know what i've really been considering doing like when i whenever you know the job ends is i want to go to ireland for a month just to be depressed i'd like to just go and brood in my my beautiful green homeland i like the idea that you go to ireland and they treat you with with the disdain you treat me with. With just like, oh, he's too happy all the time.

Oh, yeah. That would be fun. Dude, I love the cashiers aren't nice. Yeah. You go to a store and there's no one trying to sell you shit. They're just like, I don't know if I can find it or don't. I get paid the same. I had an idea for an Irish meditating app.

Yeah. It's just a bunch of domestic abuse white noise. Oh, yeah. Just a woman softly weeping Without drinking When you said top of the bottom earlier I realized that top of the bottom to you would be a great name For a gay Irish pub It really would

Ireland is just like Staten Island to me It's just a bunch of people who are really mad that they're all white Yet still poor It's the only white people who couldn't pull it off. I went on a tour. I'm joking. Staten Island is a wonderful place. I was an honor to work there.

I really think they're wonderful. I'm just getting word Dave's house has already been burned down. I think he has a broke loser. So that's my word zone, not Dave's. Oh, Staten Island? Yeah, yeah. Go back to your trailers, trash. I don't know who they are.

I don't know who they are. Fuck you, New Jersey I went on a date with a girl That was in Staten Island And I didn't really know She's like, you wanna come back to my place? And I was like, yeah, sure We had a nice night

And I was like, oh my god What have I done? I got in the fucking boat No pussy is worth a boat Yeah, no, she was a nice girl It was fun But I was just like I'm just like hungover on a boat the next morning,

like, oh, this is a bad move. Oof, that ferry, man. That is, it's free. That's why the bridge costs so much. Oh, yeah. But, you know, it feels free. Yeah, bud. All right, you're up, Tommy Goss.

Oh, I'm up. Okay. Nice ferry. Miami is worried that that hurricane will... Sorry. I forgot what it was called. But yeah, Miami, they're worried about that hurricane. Dorian, yeah, picking up all the electrical scooters and then flying them into the windows of the city. So it turns out some bird scooters are bird scooters.

That's great. Thank you. You know, in England, they're called girl scooters. That's great. Thank you. Thank you. You know, in England, they're called girl scooters. Every six months, I tweet that joke. It gets no likes. And I go, they're not ready for it.

That's a perfect joke. Pornhub has launched a campaign to clean up the world's oceans. They've started by creating an endangered octopus sanctuary inside of a Japanese woman. Boston held a straight pride parade Saturday. Some people counter-protested while others just enjoyed a day of not worrying about getting raped anywhere else in Boston. Wow. Damn. Did you see the video of the straight pride parade? Yep.

It fucking rocks, dude. Because it's everyone in it. You can tell they did not count on the fact that they would have to actually be walking for this parade. Oh, that's great. I love a fat parade. Oh, they're so fat and they're very winded. Yeah. The humidity in that area just dropped from all the vaginal dryness the second it started.

Yeah, it's like a silica packet for the entire metropolitan region yeah if your phone gets wet put it in that parade yeah oh man and the trump float comes in and it's like all rickety like the wheels don't match it's a trump float of course the whole thing is a trump parade it's build the wall it's uh you know pro trump it's all it's just a trump see here's the thing i actually that's great news that they incorporated all these other things because that's what divides the left is there's too many different causes and we never fully focus. So the idea that they're throwing in a bunch of causes into one fucking thing means more likely to divide.

That's great news to me. That's the best thing I could have heard. I know. It's great that there's people. There's some interesting analysis. No, you want Trump supporters. No, I know. Yeah.

It's a good point. No, you want Trump supporters to turn on TV and be like, oh, that's who I am. heard. I know. It's great that there's people on. This is some interesting analysis. No, you want Trump supporters. No, I know. Yeah. It's a good point. No, you want Trump supporters to turn on TV and be like, oh, that's who I am. Yeah. Yeah. I'm all these. I'm the literal fat clown. They're weirdly better at compromising. Yeah.

You know? They are. That's Republicans in general. Yeah. They fall in line. Internally. Hey, let's get together and work for the greater evil here, guys. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, guys. Well, cheetahs are going extinct because the ultra rich are buying them on the black market. I mean, I've heard of fast cash, but this is ridiculous. I know. I know. Speaking of cheetahs, I want to point out to the listening audience, I realized recently if they ever make a movie about Chester Cheetah, David Spade could play him with no makeup.

Oh, yeah. We realized that in the office. I have to tweet this at some point, but I have to make sure it will not get me in trouble. But, like, dude, Exhibit A, Exhibit B. Let me see this again. Exhibit A, Exhibit B. It's right there, dude.

It's the most spot-on thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh, by the way, thank you to all the people, all, like like 47 people who tweeted me. What emoji is that? Bless you, Keith. Who tweeted me the taco eating contest. The guy

who died in Fresno. I'm still getting tweets about it. You guys can stop. I got it. I'm dead. Yeah, no, I was going to write a joke about it until I realized that it's it i'm dead yeah no i was gonna write a joke about it till i realized that that's been well worn oh we wrote like a hundred jokes about that fucking thing i thought i i'm gonna do a roast joke i wrote this one of the worst i did it for dave earlier but it's uh jeff ross is so dumb when he found out alec baldwin was working for pita he said what about stewie and lois i love that i love that. I love that joke. I love that joke.

Why did I think... It rhymed with cheetah. I'm sorry, guys. I was never hearing it. No, you're okay. A man brought a miniature horse onto a flight as a service animal. He successfully did this, and that means that horses

have had an easier time flying the last few years than Asians. I remember. Are you doing the Malaysian plane? Oh, no, the guy who got dragged off the plane. Oh, okay. I forgot about that guy. Time was a factor. Yeah. I was just going, Jeffrey Epstein didn't like Asians.

Yeah, he's not gross. Yeah, if he played her island joke, if it's not about pedophilia, it's gonna be be a reach for the next, I don't know, six years. Speaking of airports, the TSA will not allow people who go to Disneyland's new Star Wars land to travel with soda bottles shaped like thermal detonators. Even worse, Chewbacca keeps getting randomly selected for additional screening. He looks Arab. I like the fact there's a great Jerry Feinstein film bit where he's talking about the TSA

and they're ignorant and he's like, was this some kind of bowling ball candle? Send it through. It's so funny. That's funny. Historians studying

Amelia Earhart's death left a dead pig on a desert island to see what happens to it. They found that the pig was devoured by crabs, which he probably got from one of his fans after taping Partylicious.

Damn. Long road, but I like where it ended up. A Kentucky principal that tried to ban queer literature from his school was arrested for distributing child pornography. I guess he was just mad it wasn't the LGBT movement. Took a second.

You know, it will be someday. Oh, God damn it. It's coming. Look, somebody has that belief. L's and G's and B's and T's can also be P's. That's a good point. Yeah. I don't know if it's...

Frankly, it's not inclusive for you to say that a gay man can't also be a pedophile. Honestly, you're making a better point, which is that with the LGBT movement, the P is kind of implied. Yeah, exactly. I mean, they're already doing it. That's how you get in. Well, you know how that's a real – That's the final boss of becoming gay. That's a real –

This little thing. That's a real Russian bot campaign. Is it really? Yeah. Yeah, there's a Russian bot campaign. Oh, I thought you knew that, and that's why you were doing the joke. Of people trying to make it look like the LGBT community wants to include pedophiles, and it's 100% a hoax.

Yeah, there's people posing as gay people who are like, let the pedophiles in, too. You know what's fucked up is that is a really smart idea. No, and it, like, kind of works. It's worked. No, it works. Like, dumb Facebook moms really fell for it pretty hard. Yeah, and so have fucking, I mean, the people you'd think fell for it, fell for it. Right. You know.

Speaking of the social medias, Jack Dorsey, Twitter CEO, was hacked revealing racist messages. His private messages were almost as problematic as most people's regular tweets. Bill Maher. Republicans.

That was the biggest hack on Twitter since Tom Goss I didn't even see this What were the racist tweets? I actually didn't see them I just saw the headline and I ran with it I'm curious if these are like Vaguely racist or if he was just throwing n-bombs I thought someone just tweeted the n-word from his account

Or something That happened to Flappers. That's the greatest... Oh, I forgot about that. Here's the most beautiful thing of all time. I got the photo back because it was on my old iCloud. Oh, you have the... Oh, my God. Pull that up while I do this joke.

Yeah. Well, it's just that, like, n-words are customers and nothing more. That's what someone tweeted from the Flappers account or something like that. Pretty much. Oh, my God. Basically, n-words and Mexicans are customers and nothing more? That's what someone tweeted from the Flappers account or something like that? Pretty much. Oh my God. Basically, M-words and Mexicans are customers and nothing more. But they don't say N-word. I like that it's N-words and Mexicans.

Like, you wouldn't just go to the slur for the second one. Yeah, and also, N-words is not capitalized. Mexicans is, which means we at Flappers will no longer serve faggots and Native Americans. Fuck, this one sucks. A man murdered his wife by lacing her breakfast cereal with a lethal dose of heroin.

Ironically, the cereal was Honey Smacks. A carnival worker was arrested after accidentally recording himself having sex with a dog. One officer joked that the sex must have been rough because the dog died. Keith, how did we not go there? That was meant to be in this direction. That was meant to be. He's going to think this is going there.

So it's a carnival, so they're all just throwing darts at his balloon knot. What did you say to me before we recorded? They're like, there's a lot of dead pigs in the news feed. I couldn't move away. If we're going to do that, I'll just explain if you want. So basically when I was writing these because it was like last night, so I wasn't sure I was going to

like, do you have a Google News alert for dead pig? No, like I just started looking at weird news and there were like, I realized there were enough different pig stories that I could have just done a really lazy run. Like, California City has warned residents to beware of wild pigs after one of them chased a woman and her dog. Keith, Carrie is a fat, hog-like man whom I do not respect. I was just going to do it.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you Google dead pigs, aren't they not allowed to bury you in one of the You Guys cemeteries? Is that the rules? Well, dead pigs news, that just gets Is that the rules? Dead pigs news. That just gets you that cop that died over the weekend. Yeah, I do feel that when I see a lot of rotting biomass news. And I'm like, should I just? Yeah, you got to do one.

Well, guys, a new study shows that prolonged time spent in outer space leads to outbreaks of the dormant herpes virus in astronauts. This research comes to us from an astronaut that's fucking someone that isn't his wife. I read that and I was like, this is a cheating astronaut

who is making stuff up. I would say, if I'm in a relationship, I would say, if you're in space, you can cheat on me. That's fine. I would never tell somebody

they couldn't fucking cheat. We look out the window, there's just a rocket shooting out of our face. Hey, honey, just getting back from the gym. By the way, that hot tub really smelled like chlamydia. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you smell chlamydia? No. I don't know. I don't STD. He cheated on his wife and then made that story up so he could explain why he'll ever have chlamydia. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, it's all good. I have alamydia. Sorry. That's not good.

I have a memory issue. I have two jokes. I don't know which one to do. I'll try this one. If it works, it'll be the right decision. Don McLean has spent a fortune trying to keep his 25-year-old girlfriend happy. Apparently, he doesn't want to say

bye-bye to his American green pie. Ugh. Should I try a different one then? I don't know who Don McLean is. Don McLean. Don McLean? He did American green pie. Oh, okay.

I kind of figured from context, but I was hung up on that. Can I try the other one then? Yeah, hit me with the other one. All right. Don McLean also. That would be pretty funny. I wrote a full version of that with all the lyrics.

I'm like, I'm not going to sing on this fucking show. A woman gave birth in a Denver jail cell alone with zero help from anyone. The baby has adapted to jail life and already turned his binky into a shiv. You know what? I front loaded all the good ones. You want to do my walk-in closet joke? I saw that. That story is so fucked up.

I'll do it. See that one? Come over here. The woman's so fucked up. Text it to me and I'll do it. All right. See that one? Just come over here. The woman they made give birth in a jail cell. No. Yeah, a woman, like, they left her all night while she was screaming for help and she had to give birth completely alone in her jail cell. Jesus fucking Christ.

The joke I was thinking about doing was something along the lines of, like, the prison promised that they will... I don't know if I did. The prison promised that they will correct this mistake when that baby has a baby in the jail cell. All right. I gave Tom a joke. All right, Tom.

A lady gave birth in a walk-in closet. Upon the birth, the walk-in went, oh, a baby. Man, I've heard Connor do this joke. You fucked up every element of it. I had to whisper it. And your eyes were going so fast. I'm like, I can't wait. Oh, a baby.

Wow. Wow. Wow, a baby. A goo goo. Now you just joined a Jewish woman from Miami. Oh, a baby. You gotta see the baby. That's my favorite joke I've ever written.

The closet said, wow, a baby. That's my favorite joke I've ever written. The closet said, wow. Alright, well, I'll probably do that five more times on the show. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. This week's episode of the Mean Boys Podcast is proudly brought to you by Himalaya. Wow, really? Fuck my shit with a big dick made of knife. Okay, well, that's not the kind of things I want to hear as an ear.

Do the goddamn ad, Mr. E. I want to hear about Himalaya podcasting app with great features like podcasts. That's not really a feature. It sure is. I feel like a cheeseburger featuring beef. Yeah, you got it right. Musical guest, the pickle. I got cheeseburger featuring beef. Yeah, you got it right. Musical guest, the pickle.

There's no fake meat in this burger at Himalaya Podcasting app. No actual hamburgers are at the website. Oh, Tom, you're back. I just did. He was just doing the disclaimer. Oh, Tom, you disappeared. Yeah, no, no. The point is, go to Himalaya.com.

They got, sorry, the Himalaya Podcasting app. They got all sorts of neat goodies. They have playlists and donation buttons. You understand someone pays you to do what you're doing right now. Ears don't need money. Somebody has to write a check to ear, comma, mister, and mail it. Yeah, you could comment. You could say a thing, and then someone will read that thing, and then they will totally appreciate you for it.

Totally. Absolutely, 100% of the time. Look, there's lots of places to listen to podcasts. Himalaya is the best out there. You can get it in the App Store right now. It's free. It's available. It rocks.

It's named after a mountain. It sure is. Tell them the Mean Boys sent you. The ears of the earth. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to take a look at your tweets, your various bullshit. It's time for the Mean Boys Mailbag.

That was alright. Fuck everything. Who's the one about keeping the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. That was all right. Mailbag. Fuck everything. Got it. This is quite enough of that. Tom Waits version of the theme song. Feel free, as always, tweet us at Mean Boys Podcast.

Send us your message on Instagram, Facebook, and also email us, meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. Or leave us a voicemail, 304-805-MEAN. The system's a little fucked right now, but we'll have voicemails next episode. Let's see what we got in the mailbag. STXI 2009 says, what's the fastest way for Tom to make $3,000? Oh, interesting. Yeah, Dave, how would you come up with $3,000 on the

quick? We were talking about clinical trials. Those are pretty good. I don't know what those pay. They pay a lot. We did a whole thing on our bonus episode where we went through them. I've done them. I've already sent an email for one that if I get it would be seven grand. Oh, hell yeah, dude. You applied?

I applied. They have not responded. What's it for? They wouldn't say. The worst thing about this is... Oh, my God. Oh, that's good news. Upsettingly enough, I feel like the actual real answer is standing outside Home Depot.

Like, I feel like that is probably the fastest way you can make cash that quickly. You know what's funny? You actually probably could because you also look tan enough that you could conceivably be Mexican. And white enough that I'm not threatening to the... No, no, no. You look strapping. If you're white and you went out there, they would be pissed off. Like the guys.

When they would not stand for that. There's a reason you don't see white guys doing the day labor shit. But you could maybe pull it off. You look capable. I feel like they'd pick you up. Honestly, the real answer is construction work. The real answer is day labor construction work.

You make like 15 an hour, I think. 10 to 15 an hour at least. It's really hard labor. If you're doing temp construction an hour, I think, $10 to $15 an hour at least. I mean, it's really hard labor. Well, if you're doing like temp construction work, like day labor, like through a – I think that's usually what those guys charge. You'll get more than $100 a day. Yeah. Labor ready is what it's called.

Oh, labor ready, yeah. Yeah, my stepdad used to do that. I knew a guy named Will Couch who did that. Right. We all know Will Couch. Yeah, he was the man. They would send him

on these, I guess, like, bad shit, dangerous jobs where it's like, all right, we need you to put some new asbestos in to replace this old asbestos

that went bad. Yeah, you gotta go be a fucking Star Trek red shirt for building a Wendy's, basically. I worked with a day laborer one time, like, cleaning out a backyard.

He's a nice guy. Yeah. I mean, if there's, like, a jam band festival, we could send you there with a bunch of fake drugs and you might do well, but you're gonna get murdered if you go back. He's already nice guy. Yeah. I mean, if there's like a jam band festival, we could send you there with a bunch of fake drugs and you might do well, but you're going to get murdered if you go back. He's already got the outfit, you know?

Yeah, no. No one who's going to a jam band festival has the capacity for murder. I don't know. I feel like there's always some, you know, goon there. Well, I feel like you just, you sell the drugs to dweebs, though. Don't sell them to like guys who could hurt you, but just sell them to fucking, you know, dorks in glasses. Yeah. dweebs though don't sell them to like guys who could hurt you but just sell them to fucking you know dorks and glasses yeah well i mean the the real place to do that is like a fucking

just like a travis scott show and just find every 15 year old white kid outside and just like hey you want to do some uh you want a candy flip yeah you want some molly you're just handing them fucking skittles like they clearly have the ass on them yeah yeah you could absolutely just get a box of lemon heads and make hundreds of dollars. Yeah, for real. Or just even like a capsule, like a gel cap with just like nothing, you know, whatever in it. Just put something bitter in it. Right. In case they taste check.

Do you have a line of credit? Oh, I have decent credit. Okay, would you be willing to destroy it for the $3,000? Because then I have a whole bunch of ways you can do it. I'm trying to get the $3,000 to not ruin the credit. Alright, here's what you're going to do. Dave's about to pull up his Mission Impossible mask and he's Ramsey. We're going to max

out your credit cards buying prepaid Amazon cards. And then you're going to let your credit lapse. You're never going to have credit again, but they're not going to be able to recoup the Amazon cards because they're already paid for. You can just say you already got rid of them. Oh, smart. If you're willing to ruin your credit, you can make one big score.

Anyone can. I probably shouldn't be saying this on the air. Definitely not to our audience. Yeah. Not even to me, because I just think that's a fun idea. That's basically what I did when I was 18, is I just maxed every credit card I had out immediately on just bullshit, then i just didn't have credit for a decade yeah and then you said like it all came back what did you buy like a guitar like i bought i bought like a guitar an amp i fucking i bought just a bunch of bullshit about a tv and then yeah and then my credit all just fell off what was your credit

limit what uh i think i had like one for like two thousand dollars and one for like 500 okay but yeah now now my credit is good because i just for it to all fall off, and now I'm responsible. It's going to come back. You get lucky in that bank which got shut down. No, but I still owed them money. I owed the new people who bought them money. Oh, yeah. Keith Barrett had to make a pressure.

I had a lot of people who fucking got eaten. Yeah. And I was like, I outlasted you fucks. Now it's Chase. Yeah, so then I owe Chase a bunch of money. Yeah, no, the whole point of this is to not have debt. Right. You basically, I was like...

Then it's going to your unmarred lab rat. Yeah. Dave just got an ant crawled from my bed onto Dave, which, that'll happen in here. I'm proud of it for leaving its home. I mean, what sucks is now every time I have an itch, it's like, I think it's an ant, and it only is half the time, and the other time I'm just like a fucking drug addict checking for bugs.

Did I woke up with ants literally coming out of my ear yesterday? Oh, no. That's the fucking worst. What did you, like, is wax delicious to them? Well, look, I'm not going to stop using fudge Q-tips, because then the terrorists win. Well, I mean, we have legitimately proven the ants love cum theory. Oh, yeah. It's organic. Well, they're, we have legitimately proven the ants love cum theory. Oh, yeah. It's organic.

Well, they're in Echo Park. They only eat organic, these ants. That's like a license for that. Come to think of it, that does actually explain why the ants were on my face. Well, they don't eat the unorganic shit. There's just pizza crust out there and shit, and they don't touch it. We have pretentious ants? Well, no.

I mean, it's... Like, if it's any sort of fast food shit... You know Stevia's bad for you. They don't fucking touch it. Is this farm to table to queen? I'll fucking drop Cheez-Its in a trail of ants. They'll just walk around the fucking thing. Well, can they...

Maybe they can't pick it up? Well, what the fuck did you just say? They can take chunks of it. I guess it might be too hard. Do they get their little ant pickaxes out and take a little piece of the cheese? They chomp off little pieces. Oh, with their mouth?

Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they just had to look around for a crumb they could get. I'm imagining them just carrying a rotisserie chicken that they stole from us. I like the idea just like carrying a rotisserie chicken that they stole from us. I like the idea of them carrying a Cheez-It

but there's one ant on top like fucking Xerxes in 300. I don't want to sound like a dick but ants love New York pizza. Are you serious? No.

Oh. I was going to be interested. You've done it to both of them. I'm never going to believe anything you say ever again. You've gotten me like three times. The two things you got going to believe anything you say ever again. You've gotten me like three times. The two things you got Connor to believe are that your pizza is magic and that Rich Voss is talented.

I know. You know who does like your pizza, though? The rats. You guys remember Pizza Rat? Hey! You love Pizza Rat. I pitch a Pizza Rat joke at work about once a week And it's in that beautiful area where it's not quite outdated enough to be hilarious

It's not retro It's just weird that you're pitching Pizza Rat What did you know? I also had some Chilean minor stuff You don't remember Pizza Rat? No It was a video of a rat who had a pizza Yeah

Dragging it down the subway steps to its home Let me show you this fucking rat Absolutely sounds like something I would do Connor pulls up most recently visited its pizza rat. I know, yeah. When you're doing that, the, we, okay, so we shot in Staten Island. The Staten Island minor league baseball team is called, well, they're technically called the New York, the Staten Island Yankees.

Oh, shit. But they're informally called the pizza rats. Oh, really? They have pizza rat t-shirts. That's awesome. Oh, that's great. That's it. He just is a rat who had that pizza. Well, he abandoned his pizza. Oh, he's great. That's it. He's just a rat who had that pizza.

Well, he abandoned his pizza. Oh, he's going back up for it. He just wants it, and he knows it's too heavy for him, and he's going to drag it all the way. Being on YouTube, Joe Rogan has the most thumbnail-able face of any human being. Well, yeah, because his face is a thumbnail. You just look at him in every video. It's just like, Joe Rogan, are are were we aliens and he's just like hmm you go like i'm curious he looks interested every once in a while i'll try and watch a joke

like i i have no qualm with rogan but like i'm like okay everybody makes fun of him for like you know always the dmt and everything and i'll try and watch a video i'll turn on one with kevin smith and literally within 30 seconds he was talking about dT. I'm like, how did we do this this fast? I want to try DMT. No. I do too, kind of. We were both more depressed and we were talking about doing it together. Oh, that's right.

Well, it just kind of seems like one of those things where I don't think it would be a bad experience, but it's like, I don't know if I'm ready to be that enlightened. You know, I kind of like We have very different worries about doing crazy. What is your worry? Oh, that I have a brain that doesn't come out of that hole. Because that can happen.

Do you know what it does? It releases the same chemical in your brain as when you die. Well, it basically does what people who don't do drugs think acid does. Where it puts you in another dimension for like five minutes. Right. think acid does. Where he puts you in another dimension for like five minutes. See, I think my worry would be you never coming out of the DMT hole and you doing it coming out and then having

a full mental breakdown because you can't deal with knowing the other version of reality. That's what scares me about you doing DMT. Oh, very much so. I feel like I would have the same thing and that's why I will not fuck with it. Whenever I've done really hard drugs, which is just basically mushrooms or acid. Like, I have the feeling while I'm on it.

Like, I'm just really afraid. What if I just can't not be on this ever again? What if I go back and I'm like, I need it. I can't. I can't just be normal anymore. I have to be on this. And then as soon as it wears off, you're like, I'm not doing that for five years. Yeah.

You got no. You just said you took drugs. You're going to be fine. You say it over and over to yourself. That's the move. I did mushrooms and I went to the 99 cent store during a Mexican street fair in Santa Barbara a few weeks ago. And man, that was fun. That sounds awesome. My fucking girlfriend had to put up with me doing my whole one man show in this

99 cent store. That's great. Vienna sausages. What are they? Rolling down the butler. You're doing fucking a borscht belt schnick. with me doing my whole one-man show in this 99 cent store vienna sausages where they rolling down the butter you know you're doing fucking old borscht belt schnick on mushrooms oh dude absolutely i was and the halloween shit was in so i was putting on a skull mask oh you got so many good props for that i know yeah well i i told her like last time i did mushrooms the person i was with her face just turned here like i saw her age like 100 years and just turn into a skull and then reverse back to regular. It wasn't really scary.

It just kind of happened in front of me. I'm jealous. I've never gotten visuals, really. Yeah, people turn into skulls when I look at them while I'm on mushrooms. How much mushrooms did you take? We did like a half dose and then the other half like a couple hours later. When you say a dose. Like three ounces, whatever it is.

I don't know. Three ounces? An ounce. I don't remember. An ounce of mushrooms is so much. is, I don't know. Three ounces? An ounce, I don't remember. An ounce of mushrooms is so much. A gram? I don't fucking remember. An ounce of mushrooms is what Terrence McKenna does when he wants to kill himself.

Oh, gotcha. Like, you probably, like, half an eighth, maybe? If you were tripping. Maybe, yeah, yeah. I mean, you sound like you're doing more than that. I've done, like, half an eighth. No, it was a conservative amount of mushrooms. And it really wasn't that big a deal.

It just kind of made me happy. Like, in your hand, how big was it? I don't remember. Did we find out that Connor never did mushrooms? I'm really not. Okay, wait, but what does a boob feel like? Like a bag of sand, right?

Why am I trying to look cool for a 40-year-old guy? I don't care. You want to get into the movies or don't you? Well, look, if you You want to get into the movies or don't you? You're getting razzed by an old man. Well, look, if you're going to get raped in the show business, a Jewish guy is probably the right way to go. Cock department, you know what I mean? But anyway, I got to give Lisa Lampanelli that joke back. But yeah, it was about that much or whatever.

And yeah, like her face was turned into a skull. And I brought that up to her earlier. And they were like laying in bed. And I looked at her and she goes, right at the moment where she turned into a skull, I brought that up to her earlier and we were laying in bed and I looked at her and she goes right at the moment where she turned into a skull she said, am I a skull yet? and I was like, you were literally a skull when you said that it was pretty funny, it was just a coincidence atradtop says

if you had to eat your own dick, how would you want it prepared? I know my answer hit it fried chicken tender dick and tender fried i don't i like fried is good i guess i'd go sauteed because i've had like fried shit at the fair and it's like if it's not if you don't know how to fry it it's you it can be kind of bad you know do i have to prepare it myself uh i think the idea is that it's cooked for you yeah i take my dick to raisin canes

have them put in there you're waiting in line line with just a blood-soaked paper towel. Yeah, I was like, could you deep fry this for me, please? I'll tip. And then they were like, sure thing. I got an idea for the most popular booth at the fair. Whatever you bring it, we fry it. Oh, they already have that. Oh, they do?

That's all over Crenshaw. Yeah. Right now, there's a bunch of places like in Crenshaw that just have a sign that say, we fry your fish, which is just the weirdest business model. Right. You would think they would sell the fish, too. I like the idea of the mob trying to get rid of a body that way. It's like shoving it in the fryer.

Yeah. I'm chewing on a flat iron, because when you try a new meat, you want to really get an idea of what it's like. You don't want to overspice it. You don't want to do anything. You want to just really know what just fresh cock tastes like. Exactly. Yeah. See, I don't want to taste it. what just fresh cock tastes like exactly yeah i see what i

don't want to taste it what i think you do you're gonna george foreman grill your cock is no no just flat iron because i want to let the flat iron well flat iron just like for your hair just on like basically just on a frying pan but without like the the grease because you just want to kind of just just get it hot you're more just searing it than anything yeah yeah exactly you want to like like like it's a pork belly yeah you do one movie and you're like, I'd like my cock rare, seared on the outside, juicy in the middle. Here's my answer to the question. Have you been to Nobu? You guys have been to Nobu, right?

No. I actually just went recently. Isn't it great? It's pretty good. I have no desire. It's just this great sushi place that I would never pay for to go myself. It's like where famous people get sushi. I paid.

It's hardarded expensive. You are stupid. I was just like, is this what you do? Who were you trying to impress? Jesus. That was my girlfriend. I took her out. I hope she remembers. That's a good baller move. I was like, why not? I never do anything like that.

Yeah, no, no. That's a very nice thing to do. No, it's good to see you treating yourself. I like that you did that, man. I cut the dick in half. Half the dick, I do like you're saying. I flat iron and I get the idea of what the normal dick tastes like. The other half, I hand it to... I find the most famous chef in the world.

I give it to him and I say, you tell me, fella. And I let him figure it out. Okay. I both get your standard dick. What if you gave it to Guy Fieri? Never mind. I retract my answer and I give Guy Fieri half my dick. You know what I mean? A cock with donkey

sauce? You don't want to try that? I do feel like it's going to taste mostly like condiments and there's going to be very little dick in there. I feel like I'd prefer that if I'm eating my own cock. Yeah, I really want because now it's good to have the smallest dick of the tree. There's a great taco place on Venice and La Brea where they do like that shawarma style thing.

I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, I'm going to just give it to him. Be like, just put it on the top and just do what you normally do. Put it on the Leo's fucking taco stick. A little bit like the pineapple from the top, you know, like a little like a toenail of cock that he slices down expertly. See, OK, here's what I should do. I should take it to a sushi restaurant and just keep saying squid as I hand it to him and see what happens. Do you think you're handing a piece of raw meat to a sushi chef and then he's, what, handing it back to you?

Yeah, like... He puts rice on it? You already did the job. He puts it on back to you? Yeah. He puts rice on it? You already did the job. He puts it on a small plate. 90% of a sushi place is, we found this fish. And he's like, what kind of squid has a pee hole? Every squid. Do most squid have a little hair at the bottom?

I don't know. How do squids pee? Do they have cocks? Yeah, but they retract. Like a dog? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they probably have some like i think they have a spike hole down there oh like a cat yeah i could i could be wrong i haven't looked up squid dicks recently but i do i yeah i fucking i don't know it'd be

interesting to be like here's the cock you do what you do let's see what happens all right here's a good one uh from uh actual patriot which god Alright, here's a good one from Actual Patriot, which, god, I hope that's a fucking ironic name. Aliens come to Earth and randomly select 10,000 people to bring back to their planet as ambassadors to Earth. Assuming participation is voluntary, if you were chosen,

would you go? No, bitch, I'm the alien. What? I'm one of them. You cannot be allowed to go. You cannot be allowed to represent us. That would be good if aliens abducted a guy and they're like, we just want to get a sense of the Earth and they just pick a weird guy.

If you think you're not getting eaten the second they leave the Earth. Or they're going to take you and blow up the Earth. Here's what I think is going to happen. They're going to be selecting people and they're going to be like, Tom, are you chilling for another couple hundred years or are you joining us back on fucking Zip2 or whatever? Zip2? I would go.

I don't know. I'm just saying, they're the aliens. Well, no, that's the whole point of the question. It's voluntary, but you can go. Yeah. No, yeah. That actually seems like a lot of pressure. Do I have to be good enough to justify the human race's existence?

Not really, but they should have a comedian. I guess so. I just don't know that it should be me. Shouldn't they have a big one, though? Probably, but I don't feel like Chris D'Elia's giving up his house in Malibu to go to fucking Melmac or whatever. That fan is pushing people out of the way to get this gig. 100% honest question.

If aliens landed, what is the real percentage of a chance they're not going to kill us? I don't know. If aliens came here, what would you guess were the odds that they're here to kill us all? I mean, I feel like if you've evolved to the point that you have faster than life travel, you kind of have better things to do. I don't think they're going to come here and just genocide us. I think I could see some sort of slavery

and or we're going to get colonized. That would count, yeah. It's going to be the planet England and we're going to be everywhereized. That would count, yeah. It's going to be the planet England and we're going to be everywhere else. I'll put it this way. They're here for something they want and they're going to fucking get it. I kind of think, and maybe this is wrong,

I kind of think you wouldn't, as civilization besides our own, I don't think that you get too faster than light travel without altruism because at that point you've got the technology to kill each other and wipe out your species many times over. So I feel like if you haven't done that and you're exploring the universe,

I don't think you're a particularly warfaring kind of outfit. Well, that's actually a good point. You've just stumbled upon the argument of why there is no extraterrestrial life we can find. Oh, wait, because you think that at a certain point everybody kills each other? Because of the process of evolution that allows you to become intelligent you have to be aggressive and therefore once we get to a certain level of technology all civilizations kill themselves because that's why that's why we can see so much of the galaxy and there's not one dyson sphere anywhere that's the idea that there would be machinery around a sun to collect energy

yes and they're like that's something we should be able to see from millions of light years away and we can't see any of them. Right. And mathematically, there should be so many planets with light. Someone should have gotten to that point to be able to do that. We're on a ticking clock. Yeah. Yeah.

That is one of the most bummer things I've ever heard. That's bleak. That's fucking rough. It's a real black pill. I'm sad I didn't think of it myself. No. And look, this is what I think about all the time. God.

You guys know what the heat death of the universe? Oh, man. I know, dude, Dave. We can't even. I'm in a good. I got to fucking work. I got to write jokes. Like, my girlfriend was like, why do you.

So what is your thing about computer simulations and the heat death? And I'm like, well, let's not. All right. Last tweet, and then'm like, let's not. Alright, last tweet and then we'll get out of here. At Nick R. Noel says, Is this the first time all three Mean Boys have had girlfriends simultaneously and does it change the vibe of the house? I think it is.

There may have been a very brief window before, but I think this is the... I don't think so. Because you were not... This is definitely the first time where one of them's not on fire. You know what I mean? No, because I broke up with my ex before you and George started dating. Yeah, no, I'm talking like a couple back. I was on the way out with one, and I think you guys were on the way in with one. I'd rather not say names.

Off air. Sure. No, I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Not really. I mean, I don't know. It feels. Yeah.

I mean, mine and Tom's girlfriends are both long distance, so we kind of still just hang out and play Madden and do fast food. And mine is dong. And Connor's is the most distance. Mine is dong distance. Fifteen minutes away. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I don't think it really particularly affects the show, aside from the fact that we don't have as many funny pussy stories to tell you guys. I do feel like I stopped fucking and then I just ran out of adventures. Yeah, right? Oh, see, that's never been a problem. Because now you're just into having a groovy time and trying to do food. Yeah, and me talking about all the fun I had is not all that funny. No, I like when Keith would just come home covered in scratches like after he fucked a guy in a parking lot.

Yeah. It's great. See, I blew two loads and got a black guy anyway moral of the story is can't go to the fucking uh the diner at the uh the grove anymore i don't i don't for whatever reason i feel comfortable talking about girls i hooked up with on the podcast so weirdly i for me it's like well the reason is that you're a good person but i now i like for me it's like you guys gonna hear about more of my adventures technically that's true yeah and they're long distance so more shit's gonna happen

i'm excited to follow the story of in love tom or whatever yeah i'm sorry did i just ruin something in your relationship by saying this no no no oh don't worry she does not listen to the show i know i need i'm trying to get my girlfriend to not listen to the show. Good for her. I know. I'm trying to get my girlfriend to stop listening to the show. Oh, hi. What up, girl? Hey, I'd like to meet you sometime. Yeah, I'm just like, don't.

Just don't do that. It's not going to be good. Write down the best fat jokes Connor makes about me when I'm not there. You never listen to somebody's podcast and go, wow, I really respect them more. See, I went the other way where she already liked the podcast and then she likes me more than the podcast. That's the way to do it. I respect mine because

she's tried to listen several times and then in Chicago she goes, I'm going to be honest, I've never been able to finish an episode. That's weird. Like, just so she doesn't like it? Or she's like, it's weird doesn't like it Or she's like It's weird for her Well she's not a comedy fan

Here's what I love about that That is her implicitly saying She does not like me and Connie No that's not that She clearly likes you No she likes you too as well She doesn't like the podcast Because she's not a fat man

Here's the thing about this podcast Is like when I first started Like listening to podcasts in general Right This was one of the first ones I tried out because I know you guys right and I started listening and I kind of made it like halfway through the first Mexican joke off and then I turned it off and I was like all right I'm not that into this I'm gonna try listening a bunch of other comedy podcasts I listen to like 30 different podcasts and the end of it I was like oh Mean Boys was head and shoulders

above the rest of those I just have way too high standards. This is clearly the best one I've found. Really, what it is is we're not that good. Most podcasts just suck. Yeah, once I figured out what the average podcast was, I was like, oh, this is an elite-level podcast. This is great. Well, thanks, man. You don't want people pontificating about articles they half-read. Why not?

It's so good with my girlfriend it's also like she's not a when she's not a comedy fan and not to reveal too much of the behind the curtain actor's studio i don't know what it's called but like i'm different around her right one-on-one than i am on the podcast it's not even recognizable to her yeah mean boys tom is you know it's you but there's a i'm here to stick it yeah there's a there's a layer of character to it. I'm boogieing on good times and missed riffs and, you know... Now it feels like you're stealing my business. Dead trolls and... Yeah.

Yeah. Hammers. That's why I feel like people who are fans of this must just... They must be so confused when they listen to your other podcasts where you're like this thoughtful interviewer, like you're like fucking, like, what's Charlie Rose? He's doing one after this,

so he literally has to stop being fucking tie-dye Magoo and then put on a tweed blazer and go ask about trauma. I should probably change my shirt. I demand you do that interview in this shirt. I'm wearing a blue and white tie-dye shirt.

Cowabunga, who diddled you? It has sleeves that are too short. The sleeves on this are like in this shirt. I'm wearing a blue and white tie-dye shirt. Yeah, Cowabunga, who diddled you? Like... It has sleeves that are too short. So the sleeves on this are like three inches long. So I understand that you were

hella molested. I had a Mean Boys fan come to the ice house last night and she was just like, what, why are you being all nice? What the fuck?

I was like, what do you think I'm going to be like, hey, fuck you for coming to the... Smoking cigarettes inside, flipping over a trash can. Yeah, I was like, it was great I'm gonna be like hey fuck you for coming to the smoking cigarettes inside flipping over a trash can yeah I was like it was great to me thanks it really means a lot to

you like the show just like who is this guy oh waitress retarded man yeah really let it down well that was a fucking great episode Dave tell him I told him what you want him to check out man you know you can just Dave Cyrus it's spelled wrong it's like S-I-R-U-S, like virus.

Why do you say it's like? Like you don't know how to do it? Yeah, no, it's spelled like virus, but everyone thinks it sounds like serious, but yeah, it's... Gotcha. I looked that up on Instagram, Twitter. I don't think I have any gigs

because I got to fucking go to a... I can't even talk about it, but I got to be out of town for a little while. Okay, and watch the fucking... Yeah, watch... Yes. The Judd Apatow movie. Yeah, watch that movie.

June 19th, 2020. So, whatever the title is, you can see it then. There you go. Okay, hell yeah, man. Yeah. All right, well, thanks for coming on, buddy. I'm gonna watch it. Cool.

Thank you, these guys. Fuck everything, guys. Outro Music