Mean Boys - EP 21 - Reverse Cowcroodles (feat. Olivia Grace & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Follow this week’s guests on Twitter Tom Goss (http://twitter.com/gossgoss6 / @gossgoss6) & Olivia Grace (http://twitter.com/lololiviagrace / @lololiviagrace) This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Names”, “Tom Lightning Round”, “Hype Man Chad” and a game of “Which of the Following” with eateries around the globe. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hey everyone fuck all your mothers it's the mean boys podcast i'm joe dosh i'm olivia grace i'm tom goss and i'm white trash Duck. Whoa. That was real good. I'm glad we went with Joe's opening slam. Yeah. I was just going to call Olivia Sour Cream Half Kathleen Hanna. I'm glad you did. What's that? Bikini Kill.

Or for Olivia, One Piece Bikini Kill. No, who's Hanna? Kathleen Hanna. It's her full name. She's a punk rock singer. I'm glad Tom is making her bombing worse. This podcast... No, I didn Hannah? Kathleen Hannah. It's her full name. She's a punk rock singer. I'm glad Tom is making her bombing worse. This podcast... No, I didn't get it.

Oh, my God. This podcast shot itself with a starter's pistol. We were off to a good bump. The horse just broke its leg right as it was about to take the triple crown. Now we've got to take it out back and shoot it in the head. It fell on the jockey. He's paralyzed. Well, welcome Tom and Olivia to the show.

Yay! Our first female guest. Yeah, barely. And we're excited to have Olivia on as well. Barely. Barely. Oh, you're a grim human being. Well, you're all familiar with Tom from one of our wonderful episodes when Connor wasn't here, but Olivia Grace is another very hilarious comedian. We're happy to have you on the show. Thank you.

It's good to be here. Yeah, thanks for doing it. If you've never seen Olivia before, she looks like she could be either connor's daughter or mother am i coming out am i going in we don't know oh who wants to know a little bit of a fun mystery oh i just hit myself oh well it's gonna be the first instance of many for uh the family that hurts together hates together um yeah do we have oh uh news uh you're still doing a promotion when we get uh 10 itunes reviews uh over so when we get to 40 we're gonna drop a bonus episode we got a very special plan for that not gonna be a scripted episode it'll

be some kind of similar to Nice Boys. So, yeah, leave us those iTunes reviews. But enough with all this fucking boring shit. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off, gang. Ay, so topical. Okay. Tom has been complaining to me all week about how he doesn't know how to have sex with girls. I have?

Yes, you have. I don't remember that. You're like, yeah, I just doesn't know how to have sex with girls. I have? Yes, you have. I don't remember that. You're like, yeah, I just don't know how to just, like, fuck. And when I see you try to start a podcast, I kind of understand. Can I see you, like, poking a boob, like, is that good? Well, no, I know how to do, like, the get it rolling stuff. I don't have a starter pistol. Hey, baby, want to come back for some get it rolling stuff. I don't have a starter pistol. Hey, baby, want to come back for some get it rolling stuff?

You're like shaking some dice while you're saying it. Get it rolling stuff. They sounded like a sassy mom making taquitos, like, let's get it rolling. I don't know how to start things in general. Yeah, it's weight loss podcasts. And neither do we. Here's the Mexican joke. I'll take it away. Okay.

A Louisiana man appeared to die after suffering 1,000 bee stings. Onlookers were relieved to learn that he was merely filming the gritty Winnie the Pooh reboot. Olivia? Oh, God. I'll have you know, I'll just preface all of these with I'm not proud of many of them. But, all right. A hiker's body has been found on the appalachian trail along with a journal that contained her last words when you find my body please call my husband her cause of death

is unknown but the journal will be published as the diary of anne frank part two back to camp jesus you recited that like you were reading a telegram dear mean boys stop punchline stop all right well we're gonna give you the trophy of longest Mexican joke-off ever. Yeah, and Keith is normally here. I know. Wow. I'm not going to do much better. A driver has left two sisters aged five and eight paralyzed from the neck down after a crash.

The youngest sister expressed her remorse with her new wheelchair, saying that she hates all these I-can't-feel-my-hands-me-downs. I-can't-feel-my-hands-me-downs. I can't feel my hands me downs. Paralyzed older sister. Hey, is that what Tom has? I can't feel my hands me downs. You call me downs. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the syndrome. You two are like George and Gracie, but you're both stupid. I don't know that reference. Just read a damn joke. President Obama was the first president to visit Hiroshima since we dropped the atomic bomb. When a Japanese woman asked

President Obama if he would apologize, he responded, na-na-na-na-na-na, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What the fuck was that even supposed to mean? He's not sorry. So worth it. Fucking Abbott. We gotta explain our jokes to you.

You have to explain yours to us. Fucking Abbott McSpadden over here. Anyway. No, who? Who? Who cares? A naked man on meth trespassed and stole a riverboat to float away from his parole officer. In addition to his sentence, the courts have renamed him Long Beach Mark Twain.

Hipster Barry Finn. A rare albino giraffe was photographed on a wildlife reserve in Africa. After closer examination of the photos, the giraffe was identified as Connor McSpadden, who was visiting the continent to gather further research for his long-awaited transition into a black person. You know, you're supposed to put the funny part last. I heard albino giraffe and I pointed to myself, indicating that I could see that coming. Well, now I don't feel bad about coughing on your microphones. Olivia is a graduate of the Keith Carey School of Humor.

It's not as fun when he's not here. I know. It just feels mean. Yeah, if we can't upset him face to face, at least I know that we're causing him some harm as he sleeps on a couch on the road on tour right now. He's fucking rolling on the ground like Hodor. I'm obese! Former Glee star Mark Salling has been indicted for... Had to burp.

Former Glee star Mark Salling has been indicted for child pornography. The judge says he may face multiple life sentences, even as many as five, six, seven, eight. Jesus. Oh, fuck. I like how in 21 episodes, none of us have gotten any better at delivering these. I haven't. I'm only doing it for two.

Take it away, Tom. Also, speaking of the microphone. Yeah, yeah, this is a distance thing. Veterans Affairs. No, it's not. It's such a not difficult obstacle to overcome. You're not solving the fucking Gordian knot. Just lean in, you fucking lump.

I got all those references. A Tom Goss bingo. Veteran Affairs Secretary apologized for comparing long waits at the VA hospitals to lines at Disneyland. Disney responded by saying, We at least let veterans with no legs cut to the front of the line. I enjoyed it. Oh, my God. All right.

A Tennessee sheriff was indicted for selling e-cigarettes inside his own jail. The sheriff claimed that he is merely a follower of bro Jesus, whose gospel states, Bruh, I was in jail and you brought me no vapes. What? Is that like a parody of a Bible quote? Yeah. Which, which, what is it? It's in the gospel.

When you, I was in jail and you did not view me. Don't make me quote the Bible at you. I just know that if I get a gig, I gotta quote the Bible. He has to go home to his home dimension. Nah! You tricked me! Oh, how did I say Mitzel Blix? You're

never ever gonna... Well, now that I'm just okay with bombing... Don't alt your way out of the joke,. Fucking commit. A rapper has been indicted for shooting at a TI concert this weekend. This information was brought to us by the No Shit Council, people who already figured that out. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

God, you're delivering jokes like a high school librarian. Do you have any jokes about the Dewey Decimal System? Jesus. Yeah, you're not asking your mom to get out of your room. You're telling a joke. Anyway. An Alabama woman has disemboweled her chihuahua to fake a miscarriage in an effort to win back her husband. While the man wasn't full, he commended his ex-wife for thinking outside the bun.

Taco Bell joke! Oh, God. Come back, Keith. his ex-wife for thinking outside the bun taco bell joke oh god come back keith yeah you're gonna need him for this segment uh baylor university president kenneth starr was demoted to university chancellor and punishment for covering up sexual assault performed by the baylor football team starr has apologized for being able unable to pull off his catholic priesthood shuffle. Yeah, I fucked that up for several reasons. Oh, I thought I didn't know it was over. Oh, my.

This is pitiful right now. Guys, let's all, can we just say that we love each other? I love you guys. All right. Well, let's see if I can pull us out of this. A French monastery has banned women from its premises to ensure the monk's celibacy. Upon this announcement, Tom Goss rang the church bells and yelled, Esmeralda! I'm hunchy.

A 15-pound baby was born in India. I'm sorry. Was it something I said? No. Finally. This is just, yeah, yeah. This is the show that we've made. Oh, wait.

You're done? No. It's just the slice of life we've all carved out for ourselves. Please continue. A 15... Oh, Jesus Christ. We've never laughed more not at the jokes. A 15...

Oh, God, I hate myself for this. This is such a mom joke. A 15-pound baby was born in India. It was... Shut the fuck up. A 15-pound baby was born in India. It was reported as the largest thing from India to shoot out of a woman since the last time I ate at Hurry Curry. Olivia.

You're the fun one in the office, aren't you? Jesus. Olivia, why did pleats just appear in your jeans? You've got a formula on your flannel, but... California Governor Jerry Brown has legalized organ transplants between HIV-positive people. One concerned patient remarked, Sharing our organs is how we got in this mess in the first place. I guess that was just for Joe. That was pretty good.

Joe likes any kind of Henny Youngman tragedy, Joe. I really do. Any kind of 1920s AIDS slam. Take my wife to the burn ward, please. Tom, do you have another poem for us? Yeah. We should have a Mexican poem off at some point. Oh, shit.

You're talking. Okay, well, hey, you're on next week, too. These brutes and their jokes. Bernie Sanders did a speech in California where his intro music was DMX's Where the Hood At. In other news, Obama learned who DMX is. You guys knew we were doing this today, right? Yeah, it was a struggle. Oh, God, Tom.

It's a bad week for me. What does a good week look like? Yeah. I don't know. Oh, God. Taco Bell unveiled a new taco wrapped in a shell made of fried chicken skin. When asked for comment, Keith Carey remarked, Chelsea who? Holy shit.

See, I think those made up for my jokes. I'm okay. He's fat and sad. Go ahead. Oh, Jesus. All right. A video of a little boy being attacked by a 400-pound gorilla is circling around Facebook today. A woman in the video can be heard screaming,

Mommy loves you. The woman was identified as Keith Carey's mother, encouraging him to put the boy down. Wow, that was my favorite. And you guys, I've done women nothing. You know what? A sea sponge the size of a... A sea sponge the size of a minivan has been discovered off the coast of Hawaii. Scientists are excited as they hope this discovery

will finally yield an effective way to bathe Keith's mother. Put a sponge on a stick. Big sponge. She needs a big sponge. She's very fat. She's not fat at all. No, she's very hot. She's very attractive.

I saw a picture. I would never fuck her because it would kill Keith. That's what's going to kill Keith? Not the chocolate cigarettes he has for breakfast every morning? Oh, God. Or the fucking French fry IV he hooks up to himself with his dialysis machine? Oh, my goodness. Well, that was some kind of Mexican joke off everybody.

Tom has one more, guys. Oh, do I really? God damn it. Be the judge of that. Yeah. I like how we all saved our Keith's mom slams. Are you guys sure you don't want to skip over this? No.

I saw you trying to get out of it. I saw your eyes light up when Joe tried to wrap up the segment. Take your fucking medicine. Kanye West threatened to sue his ex-bodyguard for $30 million for saying that Kanye is a, uh, Kanye West threatened to sue his ex bodyguard for $30 million for saying that Kanye is a quote, spoiled superstar who refused to press elevator buttons. Kanye said this, uh,

I lost my place. Oh, uh, God, Tom, what the fuck? I have like a single sentence. He has his fucking microphone

sitting on the down arrow and he's wondering why he can't follow his own sense. Take it off your keyboard, you fucking ape. What? Like a fucking candlelight prayer vigil. You fucking idiot. I can't read with my heads like that.

What, awake? Why are you making this so difficult? There's a computer here. I peed in my pants. I did too, a little. Kanye said his bodyguard was making a desperate, transparent, and shameless attempt for publicity. Now excuse me as I watch a video of my wife getting fucked by Ray J. For that.

I told you not to do it. You did this to yourselves. Oh my god. That was horrible. We're going to need that as a sound drop. You did this to yourselves. Oh my god. That was horrible. We're gonna need that as a sound drop. You did this to yourselves. Next time we get sad, just Ramsey, just you did this to yourself.

Oh god. Wow. I don't know how to feel about that. That was the best worst Mexican joke. That was a fucking trail of tears off. Oh, my God. Like, it was horrible, but I feel like a weight has lifted off my soul.

I'll be honest. I wasn't stellar. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when things finally get as bad as they can possibly get and you realize, like, oh, this isn't so bad. Oh, God. Wow.

Yeah. I can't wait to call my mom and ask if she's still willing to pay for makeup school. You can't use cover up on those punchlines, honey. Oh, jeez. You can't contour those jokes. I'm not even close to the queeniest person on this podcast ever. No. Always a close second to con man over here.

Hey, when you're as homophobic as me, you got to put your money where your mouth is. Well, that was some kind of something, everybody. Let's move on to another thing. Me and Bozo would be, I guess, back if we were ever even here. Sorry. White man Chad. All right, everybody.

How are we all doing tonight? Hey, now, this is a sold-out concert performance by Mr. DMX himself, the man you came to see, let me remind you. So I'm going to need you guys to do just a little bit better for me. Don't worry, I'm not mad at you, but let's try this again, gang. How are we all feeling tonight? All right, that's more like it, gang. Now, we're going to have some fun, and I tell you, we're not going to stop this party

until there is a 40 staying on every pair of Dockers in here, okay? And I mean that. I'm serious. It's going to get crazy. It's Saturday night, folks. All right? All right? Let's get excited.

Come on, let me hear you guys say hey. All right, now let me hear you say ha. Oh, it's ho? Let me hear you say ha. You know what? That was's ho? Let me hear you say, haaaah. Oh, you know what? That was on me. I should know better. I mean, I'm a hype man.

Let me hear you. Let's hear you say, oopsie. Oh, that one was just for Chad. Ah, okay. Well, yeah, we're all representing tonight for each other. Where's Cleveland at? Is Cleveland in the building? No, I mean, I know we're in Detroit, but, I mean, can't help but show a little love for Chad's hometown.

I mean, you know, no matter where we're from, we're here tonight. I mean, I think we're sharing this experience together. That's pretty cool if you ask me. Okay, oh, okay, I see a couple jokers throwing those water bottles. But, hey, they're selling those for $4 a piece at the snack bar. So I just appreciate you guys just being such big spenders on my behalf. Wow. I'll tell you.

That's not a cheap gesture. It's not cheap. I'm a cheap jester right now. I'll tell you. I'm feeling. I'm not feeling. Hey, but seriously, next time, do what I do. Bring yourself just like a cooler from home full of water bottle.

And you'll thank me later. You'll be hydrated. Your wall will be a little more... Chad's just trying to save you guys some Skrilla. All right. Well, I know you guys are just eager to see your man, DMX. So I'm going to wrap this up here. What does DMX stand for?

Does anybody know? I got some T-shirts to give away if anybody can answer this. A little trivia. A little preach. Everyone likes trivia. Okay, no trivia. Okay, well, the ground rules. Rule number one. I know everyone gets a little sensitive about the rule talk, but I mean, you know, we definitely

got to set a couple ground rules. Rule number one, have fun. Not as bad as you thought it was going to be, right? You guys are planning on doing that anyway. You guys are already following the rules. All right? I see those smiles. And rule number two is the golden rule. Just treat each other the way you'd want to be treated.

I mean, I think that's simple enough. We've been hearing it since we were in, gosh darn, kindergarten gang. Okay. That's enough of me. If you guys wanted to get out of here, though, I'm going to need you guys to do one more favor for me. Is that okay? Just one more. I'm going to need to see those hands up.

Right? Get those hands up. Hey, he's not coming out here until I see every hand in the air, guys. All right. Okay. Well, give it up for DMX, everybody. All right. Mean Boys is back.

A little palate cleanser after the Mexican joke. I'm very excited about this segment. Me too. It is time to get into new names. New names. Tom, you could not be farther away from the microphone. New names. It's time for new names.

New names. New names. It's just the simplest thing. Okay. There we go. Does it fuck with the sound? I don't think so. Oh, God.

You have a body like an overstuffed beanbag. Some of it's spilling out of a hole. It's not good. Well, I'll start us off. I think that Australian abortion clinics will be known as the Outback Mistake Houses. I've decided that poppers will now be known as Anus Red Bull. Outstanding. Yeah.

That would be good branding. They're fucking leaving some money on the table by not breaking out. Start making new flavors. Start making butt pops. Exactly. Enjoy some VCR cleaner, wink. Yeah. Hey, fuck me for trying to riff a little. butt pop. Exactly. Enjoy some VCR cleaner, wink. Yeah, hey,

fuck me for trying to riff a little. Goddamn dungeon of. I think we can call skirts rape curtains. Olivia asked to do this segment and now I'm glad I indulged. I want to start calling

astrology white girl magic. I've actually been plugging this pretty hard. White girl magic? That's amazing. I think that Tom Goss will now be called Hills Have Eyes SpongeBob. I've decided growing up to be the same asshole your father was as dad jeans. I think that penguins should be called snow toms. All right, sweetie, put a top hat on your ice goss.

Snow toms. I think sexual positions where you can't see each other's faces, like doggy style and reverse cowgirls. Reverse cowgirls? Reverse cow? Reverse cow crudels? Hey Tom, maybe the reason that you haven't been having as much sex as you like is because you asked him to do reverse cow crudels.

Hey sweetie. That sounds like a southern snack, like I made us some reverse cow crudels, everybody. Anyway, I want to call that doing the autism. Everybody do the autism. Can't look you in the eye. Can we get Snow Tom to finish out the show?

That's not entirely accurate. A carrot has never been that close to Tom's face. Oh, what do you got for us, Con Man? Oh, I think it's you, right? No, it's you. Oh, shit. Okay. Memorial Day will be now called the Ultimate Sacrifice Hot Dog Bash.

I've decided books will now be known as smugness justifiers. It's a worry of my life, everybody. I think we can start calling Pad Thai gook noodles. Good lord. They invented them. Spaghetti should be guinea noodles if we're going chronologically.

Goddamn Eurocentric education. Fucking WAP pasta. I want to start calling tampons stocking stuffers. Or Dago strings. Heavens. I think the Mean Boys podcast will now be called School Shooter NPR. Didn't we get followed by some Tea Party founder on Twitter?

We did get followed by the co-founder of the Tea Party today. Oh, good. He follows a good 80,000 other people, but one of those is us. Yeah. Jesus. When we started this podcast, we were like like we make so many of these uh uh poor taste jokes people are gonna think this is actually like a yeah like a horrible right wing radio show i know it's like fucking our followers are like anonymous and anarchist

cookbook.com and i mean i'm fine with anonymous i didn't say that we already we already know you like reverse cow crudel i mean you do it autism style cow crudel. You do it autism style. Cow crudel? Not anywhere near girl. It wasn't on purpose. All right. I've decided coffee shops will be known as liberal arts daycare centers. I love it.

That's outstanding. Olivia? Oh, it's my turn? Okay. I think that we can start referring to a cucumber as a kitchen penis. That was one of my favorites, and I'm really bummed. I want to start calling spit poverty lube. Have any of you ever tried that? It just sounds horrible.

What, using spit as lube yeah oh yeah all the time oh my god yeah it works very well way to make me feel poor joe god i envy you well i mean you can't do anal with that's a that's a yeah exactly that's a hetero luxury not a money luxury yeah you're just that in a little bit of cream to the coffee if you're you know having hetero sex i'm so jealous you guys get to actually fuck a hole that's like meant to have dicks in it let's you know let's call it a way that's meant to have dicks in it. Let's call it what it is. Whoa, way to sew yourselves under the bus. I mean, I think God made you just the right way.

If that were true, I wouldn't have to do so much fucking godless maintenance to actually take one. Butthole maintenance. Oh, I have to do a lot to get in fighting form, let me tell you. I'm just imagining the scene where she gets ready to set the theater on fire and inglorious bastards.

Like you're putting the lipstick under your eyes. Dude, if I don't butt plug like the afternoon before I fuck, I look like a secretary doing the Macarena. It's terrible. You got to put the butt plug in as like a pre-widening. Oh, God, yes. It's like one of those wooden things that stretches out a shoe before you wear it. Like an Amish loom. Shut up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, you got to wrap it in half, put a belt around it, put it under your bed. A baseball glove? You have no idea. I've made a friend of horror. Anyway.

Whoa. Okay. Well, I'll leave you guys with this one. I think Hot Topic will now be called the Chubby Girl Personality Store. Yay. I've decided mason jars will be known as basic bitch blood bags. I think we can start referring to semen as daddy mayonnaise. It's one of my favorite tumblers.

Daddy mayonnaise is what Joe makes people call him in bed. Give it to me, daddy mayonnaise. New name for abortions, belly scrubs. Good lord! It's whimsical. Whimsical. I just

picture him scrubbing bubbles, just cleansing a uterus. Mr. Sparkle from The Zips. I have one more if that's okay. Absolutely. I think Charles Barkley should be called Ice Cream Abdul-Jabbar. He's fat.

I really enjoyed that. Well, great new names, everybody. That was new names. Do we want to just go right into our next segment for Tom? Oh, absolutely. All right. Okay. Well, this is something that's a little different.

This is a game we play with Tom at diners usually. Oh, this one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. What I'm going to do is for this game, there's going to be two minutes on the clock. Olivia and Joe will be the judges and what Tom has to do is I'm going to tell him a word or concept

and he will have to explain it. Now here's a classic example. Gravy, to which Tom shouted, biscuit ketchup. Which is accurate. This is Tom's big thing. He's like's like i'm not wrong now we have two people that are going to tell you if you're wrong or not that you're wrong it's just the monstrous manner in which you're right yeah it's it's our ability to dropping the bomb on hiroshima like i guess it

was moral but it wasn't pretty now i've prepared a list of 25 particularly sticky words that are going to be a little bit, you know, these aren't something, this isn't just like cat or dog, you know. Of course, if I said cat, Tom would just said like gay dog or something. That's what girl dogs are. All the dogs are boys and all the cats are girls. Did you think that when you were kids? I did. Yeah, we all did. I thought that was some homeschooled shit.

Tom, you thought that till right now. You're playing it off like, yeah, of course. Fuck, this changes everything. No, I wouldn't have believed you if I just found it out. It's going to go back to his beautiful mind-like board. He scratches out Charles Manson's strides of dogs, boys, cats, girls. I bought a cork board. It's much more effective.

Olivia and Joe, you just say yes or no. And only one of you needs to give them a referral. We've got two minutes on the clock. If you can explain 15 things, one of you keep track, too. Okay. Okay, of how many gets right. So if you get 15 things, you win. All right?

Do I win something? Honor. Bragging rights? Redemption from the Mexican joke. I'm pretty sure. I guess you get to ride the regular-sized bus. All right, are we ready to go? It's only for one day.

All right, we're going to start in 3, 2, 1. Sumo wrestling. Fat guy slam. Yeah. Tambourines. Fuck. Drumbells. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Mirrors. Reflectors. I mean, you're not wrong. Escalators. Moving stairs. You're not wrong. Escalators. Moving stairs. Lotion. Masturbation thing. Who could object to this?

Reggae. Jamaica music. Acne. Face herpes. Cone Don't hit that It's a shape Tom it's a shape

I think he was yelling a beep Or slamming on the table Explain cone You wanna skip it? The orange thing you can't hit You can't hit the orange thing Oh traffic cones Don't correct the man

You're like the emperor telling Mozart There are too many notes. Okay, mosques. What? Mosques. Oh, brown churches. Glue. Stick stuff.

Lightning. Skyfire. Dictator. One man democracy. Bracelets. Bad jewelry. Samurais. Not sumos.

Japan knights. Kangaroos. Japan Knights. Kangaroos. Fuck. Hot Bunnies. Jury duty. Don't go. Skip. Okay.

Pajamas. Oh, sleep clothes. Okay, UFOs. God Frisbees. Okay. You're out of time. Oh, my God. Let's keep it going. I got more.

Tom, Scorpions. Stab Spiders. Avocados. Delicious. Staplers uh uh uh uh uh uh fuck um uh uh paper sticks i don't know god i've used the word stick so many times i was hoping for paper huggers islam which uh uh uh uh Fuck. Religion. I don't know. Middle Eastern Bible thing. I don't know Islam that well.

Wisconsin. Oh, fucking cheesy. Camping. Camping. Homeless fun. Rotary rotary phones what the fuck is that oh oh uh uh spin calls taxes uh uh uh jesus um government money pineapples.

Hurt you fruit. That's Joe. Band-Aids. Wound hats. Wound hats. Okay. Wi-Fi. Air magic.

Magicals. Bad cars. Microwaves. Popcorn steroids. Fuck. Popcorn steroids. Ventriloquist dummies Bad speak puppets Jesus

Espresso Shit power Wakes me up in the morning Cold pressed juices Wakes me up in the morning. Cold-pressed juices. Vegan power. Yoga. If it's either a stick or power.

Yoga. Hot girl pretzel. The Civil War. Uh, uh, um, blacks versus whites. Hawaii. Hawaii? Uh, uh, uh, USA Guam. Guam is USA. Blenders.

Ah, fuck. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,. Blenders. Ah, fuck. Rattl-stove. This is so stressful. Rattl-stove. I'm trying so hard not to pee. What else you got? Clocks. No call phones.

Water. Body lube. That's right, but body oil. Fuck. Damn it. It's the exact opposite of oil. No, it lubes your of oil. No, no. It lubes your insides.

Oh, okay. Some of them are thinkers. Oh. They're lack of thinkers. You have to think less to understand them. It's very fast. Flashlights. It's the lightning rod.

Light sticks. Scooby-Doo. Autistic dog. I don't know if I'll give you that one. Shakespeare. Fuck that dude. Michael Bay of horse times. This is an old one.

Fuck that dude. Holy shit, I'm gonna die. Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, Tom, I think you won. Yeah. We went into OT on that one. Everyone and no one won that lightning round.

Fuck. Okay. Well, all right. Mean Boys will be right back. Butter man, butter man, butter man, butter mighty good man. You ready for uh which of the which of the following is that your intro are you guys can i do the thing now hype man tom okay take it away buddy fifth wall or whatever um fifth wall that's ceiling we're not talking about what your trailer doesn't have oh my god Man, Tom... Take it away, buddy. Fifth wall or whatever. Fifth wall.

The ceiling. We're not talking about what your trailer doesn't have. Oh, my God. The roof's open so I can hang out with the pigeons. Oh, my God. Fuck pigeons. I don't like pigeons. I feel like nurse rats. Fuck pigeons are probably what you'd call rats.

All right, so which of the following is a fake restaurant? All right. And then should I include the state or country which it's from? If you want. I mean, yeah, sure. Okay. Just go. Yeah. All right, which of the following is a fake restaurant? Round one.

Green Eggs and Flan, Illinois. Tequila Mockingbird, Maryland. Young Dong Garden, California. Or Frying Nemo of Australia. Oh, I hope Frying Nemo's not real. Tequila Mockingbird is a drag queen. Yeah, I think that one sounds the most believable. Yeah.

I'm probably going to say the last one. Tequila Mockingbird sounds like a bar that a bunch of dentists would go once a year and have four margaritas and then brag about it till death. Oh yeah. Or like Olivia's stripper name. They just play Glory Days on an internet network. I sat on it. I would say you're more like a gin pheasant. If Olivia's a bird, she's a grouse.

Yeah, you're like a vermouth swan. I'm going to say D. I'm going to say D as well. Yeah, I'm going to say D. The fake restaurant is Green Eggs and Flan. Oh, yeah. You cunt. That makes sense.

That makes sense. Those things would go together very poorly. That does kind of sound like an Eagle Rock trying to make Mexican food store. Yeah. Or that sounds like Tom's favorite dish that his mom makes him on his birthday. Yeah. No, the eggs are green, and my poop's green, and also I get Flynn. It sounds like a place that sells soy riso and actually pushed a Mexican family out to build it.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't like Flynn. All right. Just so nobody gets the wrong idea. All right. Round two. One.

Come and eat. Spelled C-U-M-N-E-E-T. England. Can I have the country of origin, please? Bevvies and fags. England. Can I have the country of origin, please? Bevvies and Fags. England. Flavors of Negro. Philippines.

What? Wait. Or Flavors of Negro. That's Connors Mixed Tape. Or D The foul mouth and cunt restaurant England I want it to be D really bad I have to say

I want You know what I think flavors of negro is real It has to be You can just come up with that Huh? I don't think you could have just come up with flavors of Negro. That really does sound like an old Filipino

lady trying to cook soul food. Oh, yeah, because that is like, it's like poor translated. It's got too many layers to be you. Lava Negro. That's the perfect which the following inclusion, though, because it's unbelievable, but it's like could that dumbass come up with it? I'm going to say

A. I'm going to say the cunt one. Olivia? I'm going to go with the cunt one. Okay. The fake one was B, bevvies and fags. Oh, wow. And I did that cigarette thing. Oh, the cunt didn't win.

Yeah. All right. You guys are both going to. Well, we lost, too. Not just Olivia. Yeah. The foul-mout and cunt restaurant is real. How excited are you to be the first female guest, Olivia? I've let down women everywhere.

This is awful. I mean before your appearance on the show. Well, I mean, it's not helping. Okay. Don't edit that. Okay, all right. Round three. Cabbages and condoms.

Thailand. The chocolate log. India. Butt sweet house. United Arab Emirates. And butt is with two Ts. Or black nut cluster. Malaysia.

Wait, where was C? What? United Arab Emirates. But, sweet house, it sounds like Saudi princes go to eat fucking chocolate turtles off of blonde girls' asses. Ooh. Can we do that? That sounds great. And drive a Bugatti into a wall.

Yeah, we're going to do some hookah and lick chocolate syrup out of her ass. Fuck, can you run through them again? Yeah. Yeah. Just ask me if you want me to say where ass. Oh, God. Fuck. Can you run through them again? Yeah. Yeah. Just ask me if you want me to say where it's from, too. Cabbages and condoms, the chocolate log butt sweet house, black nut clusters. I'm going to say cabbages and condoms. I am, too.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah. The correct answer is black nut clusters. We are all... You're pitching a no-hitter, Tom. Dude, I know how to play this game. Yeah, yeah. The correct answer is Black Nut Clusters. You're pitching a no-hitter, Tom. Dude, I know how to play this game. Yeah, man.

You're dancing it all in my head. I think you guys only got one right when I did it with Keith. Now that I've said that, I've probably jinxed it. This is exactly how they never found the Zodiac Killer. Just one step ahead at all times. Yeah, he thought the puzzles were really significant, but in actuality, they were just poorly constructed. I totally get how you could believe that. You're just toying with us the whole time, and the second we think we have a beat on

you, you just throw us another curveball. You're going to get done, and you're going to put on a Riddler mask and be like, they were all fake. I thought of doing that, but I was like, nah, that's poor taste. Speaking of poor taste, hit us with some more restaurants. All right, round four. Try to throw in another homophobic or racial slur if you can. You've already covered Negro in the F word.

Okay. Negro in the F word, by the way, great detective duo. I don't know, Negro. I'm a little worried. Round four. Honky's House of Ribs, Georgia. Chink Steaks, Philadelphia. Oh, okay.

So you're going to do exactly what I said you were going to do. Tar Baby's Pancakes. South Carolina. See, like, that could be real in South Carolina. Tar Baby Pancakes. Don't you mean biscuits? Don't you mean core bread? Or... Or... Or coon muffins.

Or niggar king, China. Spelled N-I-G-G-A-R. Can't imagine why the Tea Party followed us. Yeah, what we're talking about really sarah pales in comparison hey one of the one of these is not real the rest are i exactly what's great about every mean boys is the moment we remember that we live in a wicked world yeah no this is great for the white people who think there's no more racism. There's obviously still racism.

This is definitely great for everybody. This is a good thing. I'm going to say chink steaks. It's not like Richard is short for dick. It's not like Chuck is short for dick. It's not like Chuck is short for chink or whatever. There's no realm where that's acceptable. And that was in Philadelphia, so I'll agree with Joe, actually. Yeah, I'm also going to go with that one.

The fake one was Honky's House of Ribs. Get the fuck out of here. Kill yourself, you piece of shit. What a horrible world we live in. God, what the fuck out of here. Kill yourself, you piece of shit. What a horrible world we live in. God, what the fuck? Who's going to eat or want to go to Chink Steaks? I want a Chink Steak and a glass of water. When we said Chink Steaks, I thought we were talking about the death toll in Hiroshima again.

Chinks, they actually recently changed their name to something else. I guess Chink was the nickname of the owner. He wasn't Asian. Just some mook named Chink. He's called Chink. Some big fucking jersey lug. Yeah. The photo for Tar Baby's pancakes, the sign is just a black baby.

Do black people own it? Jesus. I don't know. I should hope so. How do you even give a fuck about the Confederate flag when Tar Baby's Pancakes exists? You're fighting the wrong battle. Fucking Tecumseh Sherman should have burned it down. Why did we fight that war for?

Jesus Christ. All right. All real or all fake? We're all losing. So is America. Go. Foking gay, Oregon. Spix barbecue, Texas.

Gooks meat and spices, England. Or poutine it inside you, Canada. Shut the fuck up. All fake. I'm going to go with all real. All fake. You know what? go with all real. All fake. You know what? I don't even know what to believe anymore.

I could see poutine it inside you. Even then, that's too graphic for Canadians. I'm saying all fake. It's all fake. Oh, fucking finally. We can breathe easy, right? Boom. Lowest scoring Mexican.

Not Mexican. Talk into your microphone, Tom. That means breathe easy, right? Boom. Lowest scoring... Not Mexican. Talk into your microphone, Tom. So that means I won, right? Sure. Nobody. No one. No, go back to your fucking car you live in. Tom, I want to make something very clear.

No one should leave this podcast holding their head up high for any reason. Seriously. Oh, my God. I thought this was okay that was good that was phenomenal oh no it was upsetting originally uh the first one the first uh which of the following i prepared was which is the following is a fake quote from a rapist and it got so dark so fast yeah yeah you can you can cut that part out. Is your joke book like one of the fucking Seven Killers journals? Actually, I have journal entries from when I was psychotic in one of my joke books that's all filled out.

Tune in next week for the segment I'm demanding happen. Fucking Tom Goss murder diaries. I also figured you guys heard this one before, so I included Obama fried chicken. I didn't know that was real. That is a restaurant in both New York and Asia. Wow. Wow. Okay.

Well, all we have left is the Mean Boys mailbag. Yeah. Thank you guys for writing in. Thank you. This first email is from Tom pretending to be someone else. God damn it. Tom sent us an ad that we didn't air because it didn't make any goddamn sense. Wait.

I thought I said Anonymous. That just means I won't read it on the air. I can still see your email. I just won't say who the name is. If you put Anonymous... Oh, let's not do this. Okay, well, no. I just want everybody to know what you thought was going to be funny.

By the way, the fake email Tom created was RonWinklerAdvertising at gmail.com Ron Winkler advertising at gmail.com. Ron Winkler advertising. That is you impersonating a functioning human being. I don't like this. You hit yourself in the face with a microphone.

I just picture him I picture him just walking around a filthy studio apartment in like khakis with a polo tuck into them. Just saying to nobody, Ron Winkler, stay alone. Yeah, this is for when you try to assume another identity, like the end of Breaking Bad. You're like, I'm going to be managing a Cinnabon as Ron Winkler. I don't like this.

This is Ron Winkler. Tom Goss was bad. Very, very bad. Subject line, hey. Message. Because that's what ad agencies do yeah message letter y don't more n words fuck with caterpillars whole email can we not include that we it's here you should feel that's the part you're embarrassed about so that that was tom's first fake email he sent. There's another one. We have a real email next.

This one, question for the mean boys. If the mean boys were mean girls, who would be the prettiest? That's a good question. Joe and drag, pretty confusing, got to say. Really? Because I really do my makeup terribly. I do. Every time you do drag, someone's like a girl, whatever girl is with me,

will say, Joe looks great, but I just want to teach him how to do his makeup. Yeah, yeah. That's with me we'll say uh joe looks great but i just want to teach him how to do his makeup yeah yeah that's happening every time well we know it wasn't olivia yeah i don't look good come on we're mean no olivia needs to show joe how to put on proactive oh what i can make these jokes when i had a bunch of acne too thanks for jumping on that, Connor. I felt bad. I know. I'm just like, I'm in my own head now.

Like, God, I got to cancel all my plans for tonight because I got to make time to go home and sob. What did you think was going to happen? Yeah. It's not called the friendship boys. Yeah, I don't know. I think I do think I've been I'd make a really hot trans woman. I've said this for years and I really really want to get a dream team together,

like an Ocean's Eleven drag squad to do me as best as they could. But I don't know. I think I would probably say Joe, because Keith once quipped that Joe in drag looks like he's standing next to his husband while he resigns in disgrace. You really do look like a stern, conservative Nancy Reagan, but it's like you also have a dick and a dress. I hear what you mean. I don't think I'd make an attractive girl,

but I think I'd make one of the best seals or some sort of marine life. For an all-time champion. I think I would be an excellent porpoise. You could be the fucking whale, tilikum-impregnated. Wow. Okay, Next email. Also from Ron Winkler. Advertisements at gmail.com

Who else have you emailed as Ron Winkler? You didn't just email us. No, it's just for us. You created this email to write in to us. Name, fuck you. Subject, revolution. Message, can we get rid of the people who don't like tapatio now this is part of your

platform for many years okay I was at a Mexican restaurant with Tom when we were on the road together and the server was like alright we'll have your burritos coming right out we have fresh made salsa you guys are gonna love it and then Tom was like, yeah, can I get tapatio?

And she's like, well, yeah, yeah, we have, we have tapatio. And he's like, yeah,

could you bring it to me right now? And she was like, well, you could try some of our house made salsa. I just made it myself. It's really great. And he's like, I would like it if you just gave me the tapatio.

She was so mad. She had to fucking spit on her wet burritos because you couldn't try a new salsa, you autistic fuck. She like threw the bottle at me. She slammed it down. It almost broke. It was like she was going to shiv him with it.

I have a right to my tap. I would really just like it if it was like you were telling a guy that did not have sex. I think you should just go and give me my fucking tapatio. Oh my God. Jesus, Tom.

I don't... What's wrong with tapatio? And you thought that I was going to read... That's not the point. Even if this was anonymous, you thought I was going to read it and not know it was you?

That said anonymous. I thought it just said the message. Of all your strong opinions about hating birds and thinking that voting is some kind of Jew magic, the one that you have espoused the most is some kind of Jew magic. The one that you have espoused the most is the virtues of Tapatio.

I thought Joe would help me on this. What were you expecting me to do? You thought Joe would be like, yeah, this guy's got the right idea. Let's have Ron Winkler on the show. Oh, yeah, Joe likes Tapatio. Then he'll find me sane. Okay, wait, no. Here's something I realized, you fucking idiot. The first email says Ron

Winkler advertising. The second email says Rob Winkler advertisements. Do you have two separate Winkler-based email addresses? They're rivals. Did you just forget which one it was? Tom emerged in blood-soaked khakis.

Rob Winkler was very bad. Very bad for the business indeed. Had to go all around. Tom, fucking explain this right now. Uh, yeah, yeah, I don't know. Did you forget which was the real email? Oh, oh, the email part. Uh, yeah, I don't know.

I thought they were both Rob. Yeah, I just wrote the wrong one down. So you have multiple personalities. Two of them are a boring guy who works in advertising. No, I just spelled things wrong. I feel like the Mad Hatter having a Faygo party. Yeah, I wanted to start a discussion about Tap and T on how great it was. And then I also saw a catapult.

Oh, and then we just mocked you. We couldn't even let you start a discourse. Okay, there's one more email. Oh, and then we just mocked you. We couldn't even let you start a discourse. Okay, there's one more email. Oh, good. All right. Jesus Medina, who has relinquished his anonymity. Follow him on Twitter at Jesus the Slayer. I'm going to have his name mentioned after Chink Steaks.

Yeah, everything seems in order, and we'd like to offer you the permission, done after after chink steaks yeah everything seems in order and we'd like to offer you the permission but have you ever eaten a chink steaks Mr. Medina

oh my god alright message I have my girlfriend and my friends enjoy wholesome comedy i.e. Pete Holmes slash Gabriel Iglesias and etc

etc by the way is spelled ECT me on the other hand while I enjoy them as well I also love you sick dark ass motherfuckers. My question is, how do I introduce your type of dank-ass dark comedy to them?

Send them to my Twitter. I think the step one is not referred to it as dank-ass dark comedy. Oh, God. You know what sucks is that that's accurate. In all of its douchery, he's 100% spot on that would if there's that genre on iTunes like comedy news

educational dank ass dark comedy would be the one we would choose this is why I was telling Keith I secretly like I mock you guys

but I secretly want to be an Orange County comic like I want to be as just trashy me and Keith we're on the road together and we're in a hotel room and we're just

opening up about how much we unironically love Green Day and Family Guy we're just like it room and we're just opening up about how much we unironically love Green Day and Family Guy. No, I know. We're just like, dude, it's funny. They write good songs. I don't like Green Day.

Okay. Well, this was definitely some kind of episode. Tom, explain Green Day. Lightning round, bonus round. Makeup songs. Okay. There you go. I feel like I did well and also ruined the podcast forever.

Well, here's the problem. Nothing is as funny as you failing. So if we had to vote tomorrow, like vote out one of Connor, Keith, and Joe and replace him with Tom, it would be unanimous. Oh, God, yeah. That's what I'm learning from all our feedback. No one likes Connor, Keith, and I. Dude, Tom, you're our most listened to episode, and you have by far the least amount of Twitter and Facebook followers. You're by far the most insignificant guest we've ever had on, including Olivia.

Thank you. And you're... By the way, that's the first time I've talked in five minutes. Olivia is really insecure about her performance. Yeah. You couldn't get your clit hard for the Mexican joke. I thought you were great. Oh, thanks, Tom.

Yeah, I'm sure I've ruined it with this. Tom, you kind of do look like Trailer Park Billy Joe Armstrong. Who's Billy Joe Armstrong? Green Day guy. Huh? Green Day, the singer of Green Day. Oh, yeah, I always messed him up with Billy Joe, the piano player. No.

That's Billy Joel. Wait, wait. See, I see that fuck oh so wait wait what okay which one has the l billy joel billy joel no i know that like wait wait the piano player is billy joel okay i fucked it up again oh god you're like i feel like my grandmother like trying to help my al's grandpa, like, get through Thanksgiving. I think I'll get Alzheimer's at, like, 30. I don't think my brain's that great.

Yeah, that song, Hey Jim, by the Beatles. I love that song. Hey Jim, something else. Take a sad song and make it okay. Okay, that's the podcast for this week. Follow Olivia and Tom on Twitter at GossGoss6 and at LolOliviaGrace. Thank you guys for doing the show. We love you.

Yeah. Love you guys, too. Guys, on our website, there's a scroll to the bottom of the homepage. There's an email list sign up, and you're going to want to sign up for that because we have just locked in our first live show. Yes, we have. This July, and we will have more information about that soon, but you're going to want to get on that list so you can get discount tickets and stuff like that.

It's going to be a big, stupid, fucking retarded extravaganza, and we're very excited about it. I'm very pumped for it. It's going to be good. It's going to be some dank-ass dark comedy. I'll tell you that right now. All right, that's the show. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Bye. All the racial slurs were in quotes, so I'm good, right?