Mean Boys - EP 211 - Dog Children

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

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Hey everybody, it's the Mean Boys podcast with a, I don't know if it's a special announcement, but it's kind of the opposite of that. It's a big announcement. It's a very big announcement. We're dying. Yeah. Guys, this is a, the Mean Boys podcast is going to be coming to a close pretty soon here. Yeah. And I want to take a minute and be, like, number one, this is not a bit.

No, we're not kidding. Whatever you might think, this is not a bit. We're dead serious about this. We've been doing this show for, what, three years? Yeah, almost coming up on four years. We started working on the initial thing that it would become Mean Boys around this time in 2015. Yeah, which is a fucking crazy long time to do. Yeah. Tom pointed this out.

That's longer than he's done high school. Yeah, it is. And, you know, look, I love this show with all my heart. It's my favorite thing that we've done. It's my favorite thing I've ever made or been a part of. Yeah. And fucking first of all, the goddamn fans, you've been unbelievable. Yeah.

Your support, the fact that you give a shit has gotten me through so many fucking tough times in life it's really gave me a meaning and purpose in this world and you know as a as a fan of comedy all i ever really wanted was to mean something to somebody and the fact that you know this show means anything to any of you is the biggest honor of my life and i mean that from the dark recesses of my heart for real Yeah, truly Tom, I feel you Yeah, no, I mean, I have a lot of I mean, yeah, at the end of the day We're trying to hold on to something that isn't

You hold on to something that's going away from you You hurt your hand I've said that a bunch of times And we're hurting our hand trying to hold on to the show And look, I know some of you guys have noticed This show has been kind of Through no fault of anybody not trying or anything, it's been different lately. Because it's, our lives all changed.

It was like, it was kind of, we had this nice groove going with this, everyone was in this particular place in life. And you know, people moved out of the house and now we're, you know, we've got jobs and we're moving and everything's everything's happening. It's kind of like, all right, we're really like we're if we were to keep doing it, we'd really be kind of faking it. Yeah. And it's like I don't really want to do a big, lush studio production of me. It's like it's supposed to be the shitty podcast we do in the shitty house with our shitty lives. I remember us saying like a few like pretty early on in the show, even before, you know, Tom came on like this will never be a TV show. This will never be a lame co-opted thing. Yeah. No, we can never like this.

We're never moving stamps dot com ads on this show. And also, like, you know, it's I would rather end it on our own terms than continue trying to do it and have it feel like work and have it feel lame. And no one's ever said, what if the Dead Kennedys made a couple of radio singles and got a synthesizer in the mix? You know? Yeah, and I mean, look, this show takes a lot of effort to do well. It was at its best when it was our full-time job. It was, and that was fun, and that was when it was really fun to do.

And I feel like personally and i feel bad about this that i've been you know giving you guys a subpar version of the show that you guys enjoy and that you've you know you've given so much support to over the years so uh i i just i don't want to do that and it's like okay what's still we're still all right let's like fucking try to end it while it's still good. You know, go out on a nice high note. And we're going to we're going to lead up to. Sorry, I can burp into the microphone. We only got like four left.

Yeah. What are they going to do? Cancel their Patreon? Yeah. So like going up to that, I'm like, we're going to cancel your Patreon because we're going till November and Tom needs the money. And we're yeah, we're going to have a lot of we're going to it's going to be a farewell tour.

We're not we're not it's not ending this episode. It's ending in a little bit. We're going to have all your of, it's going to be a farewell tour. It's not ending this episode. It's ending in a little bit. We're going to have all your favorite guests do all your favorite things. We're doing a run that I'm officially dubbing a once in a lifetime event called Once Upon a Time in Historic Filipino Town. Yep. All your favorite characters are coming back. You know, all your favorite guests. There's going to be a live show towards the end of October.

If you are in or near Los Angeles or willing to get get here i would keep your ears open because by the next episode we should have a pretty insane announcement yeah we'll be doing the halloween uh as our last live show yeah yeah and uh and i mean you know just before we get into the actual show i do want to just like again say i appreciate so much everything i have gotten, both from you guys you've helped me pay my rent, you've helped me live my life, grow as a comic I also feel like making this show has just been the most enriching part of my life

I don't know if I'm sincere It's enriched my whole life emotionally and creatively financially everything It feels rambly, it's hard to figure out how to... That's why I'm quiet, because I don't want to just start fucking being emotional on the show.

So I'll just say that I disagree. It's ruined my life. No, I mean, I echo everything that you guys have said. Like, this has been what I do now for years. I'm going to fucking miss it. I'm still going to podcast. I'm going to do other things. I'll figure it out.

The main thing that we're trying to say is we're going to try to close this the right way because we appreciate you guys and you especially those of you who've been there from the very beginning i know you know you're out there we've met you and we want to try to make it as good as possible the closing run yeah and you know look there's at this and we also like let's be honest we've talked about this a little bit too just amongst ourselves it's like it's starting to feel like we've covered it. Yeah. When it comes to us, you know, I'm gay.

Tom is dumb. Keith is fat. Yeah. Truly. And this is this is such a weird thing to say about a creative endeavor. This is almost a show that can't evolve. Yeah. Like it's you know, it's like asking the ramones to learn jazz fusion

really it is yeah you know we fucking we we i think we played you know three to four albums worth of fucking real good punk rock here and it's like we we don't want this to turn into three people doing their own podcast at each other yeah which uh and it's like look i look i'm a big mean boys fan i like a lot of the stuff but it's like they're honestly guys there's a there's more mean boys than there is like friends or the office but it's like, honestly, there's more Mean Boys than there is, like, Friends or The Office or Seinfeld. That was, yeah. There's plenty of Mean Boys.

Yeah, and there's got to be, again, plenty more. There'll be a good amount more. There'll be some more, you know, we'll have a nice farewell tour. We're doing one more Abbey Road before we all break up and sue each other. Yeah, if you've discontinued your subscription. What would you guys sue me for? I don't know. You want half my curd that's still half we're suing you for irreconcilable dumbness that's what we're suing you for uh i just want to fuck your wife you know it's johnny i want to fuck the half a curtain in your room that's how it goes we

gotta like you know yeah yeah so i mean we'll talk i mean we're, you know, as this kind of wraps up, we'll sort of tease what we're doing and we'll probably talk more about kind of feelingsy stuff. Yeah. No, we definitely will. Yeah. Yeah. You know. This is just to let you guys know it is happening.

It was. It had to happen sometime. Yeah. And the way I'm looking at it, this is not a, you know, it is sad and I'm going to miss it. But like, this is not. This is not a funeral we're throwing. And it's not the end of us making shit.

No. No. You've already got a different podcast. Yeah. I'm going to start another podcast. I have other ideas for podcasts as well. And I think they're going to be very different than Mean Boys, but it's still going to be the guys you love.

And we're also just so there's no conjecture among people. We're all still friends. Yeah. This is not any kind of like John and Yoko breakup situation at all. If anything, it's like we're stopping doing the podcast so we can make sure we're all still friends. Yeah. I mean, look, I can say this, you know, I think it's for all of us.

True. But especially me and Connor, it's like we work together eight hours a day. Yeah. Then we come back here and we have to be podcast co-workers. Then I go to bed and wake up and get in your car again it's like we've been hanging out for a living for the like most of our adult lives it seems like and it's like i would like the other day we just were like doing nothing and kind of chilling and i was like man this was fun yeah i remember when we did when we didn't try to monetize our friendship that was nice even today here's how i know we're making the

right call is like i was like what am i gonna feel like when i wake up tomorrow in the morning and all day today i felt like this lightness and like oh we're just hanging out and being buds because i knew this was like yeah yeah you know i feel bad and again it has nothing to do with you guys listening i love you to dad no i felt the same way yeah you know i daddy's only got so much fucking uh party licious in the tank yeah at this point it's like it feels like we're just Pointing a gun at our friendship Going Content Make content Exactly

And you know This show was always Supposed to be the thing We did for fun While we fucking You know Sold our dicks and our souls Elsewhere in this business

And Yeah You know it's just It's time to grow up And stop doing something Creatively fulfilling On the side I'm gonna have fun

Just being friends With my friends again I know. That'll be really nice. Yeah. And, you know, it's not to say we don't ever get together

and do shit down the line periodically if we feel the urge to, but I do want to be clear. This is the end of Mean Boys as we know it. Yeah, this is... And look,

we'll get back together. We will all talk in the microphones together that you can hear. Yeah, and this is going to be... It'll happen, okay? And this is going to be- It'll happen, okay? And this is going to be a Breaking Bad series finale, not like a fucking, like, How I Met Your Mother bullshit. Like, we're going-

We're giving you what you want. You're going to meet our mother. Yeah. We're going to kill Mr. Ear. They already met my fucking mother. Oh, that's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I think that's the broad strokes of it.

And again, like, you guys have been unbelievably great. Yeah. And I say it all the time, but really gave, you know, meaning and joy and purpose to my to my bitter life. Yeah. And it's it's fucking awesome. Yeah. And we'll you know, we'll be in touch. We're still doing stand up.

We're still doing stuff. Yeah. Follow us around. There's still, you know, and then now finally we can see which mean boy everybody really likes the most. Oh, solo project. Oh, we should finally which Mean Boy everybody really likes the most. Like, who is Solo Project? We should just put the poll on Twitter. Which Mean Boy do you like the most?

I'm going to lose. I am going to lose. I don't know if you will. I can't even fake it, dude. You're fucked. I'm coming in. I'm getting like 20%. Maybe. Yeah, but Tom's getting 80, and I'm like, I'm coming in. I'm getting like 20%. Maybe.

Yeah, but Tom's getting 80 and I'm getting school sucks. I think people, you guys think people like me a lot more than what is the reality of things. I'm just here to perk up your insecurities, boys. Aw. Yeah. Well, we'll talk more about this shit later and I'm sure you'll hit us up. This was a good episode. We just did a regular Old Justice Boys episode.

Yeah, we recorded this before we actually decided we were doing this. Yeah, so this one is from a little while back. Yeah. You know, back when the show

was still alive before it had its death sentence. But it's just another, one of the last few slices of Mean Boys goodness Yeah.

right now for you to enjoy. Hello and welcome to the Nice Boys podcast. Diapers are just pants that give you a second chance. I'm sorry. It's okay. You tried real hard. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden.

And I'm the proud owner of a swell new mustache. Yeah. Oh, you got such a great mustache that we all love. Oh, man. It's so cool. Yeah. It makes you look really strong and thin. Yeah. Oh, you've got such a great mustache that we all love. Oh, man, it's so cool. Yeah. It makes you look really strong and thin. Yeah, you look like a Mario. You know what's great about it?

What's great about it? Is it a secret? I want to know five things that are great about it right now. I'm so excited. One, it accentuates my upper lip. Great start. It's your best lip. I've always said that. It really is. Two, it accentuates my upper lip. Great start. It's your best lip. I've always said that. It really is.

Two, it accentuates my lower nose. That's a good part of the nose. That's where you smell with. That's where the smell goes in. That's the most important part of the nose. People don't think about that. The money maker. Three, it reminds

you that I don't have a van. Four, how? If anything, it feels like most people It reminds you that I don't have a van for... How? How? If anything, it feels like most people that try to get me in vans have that mustache. Because they go, where's your van? And I go, I don't have one. And they're like, oh.

So it starts a vanversation. Yeah, a vanversation. Okay, okay. It's a vanversation piece. There we go. Yeah, five. Girls feel more comfortable with me. We just blew right by four, but okay.

Yeah. Yeah, who needs four? Yeah. What are we, golfing? We're not golfing. Throw four in the van you don't have and drive away. Yeah. Yeah.

Push it into a lake for the insurance money. I'm kidding. You should never do crimes. No, the lake's only for swimming. No, for swimming, cookouts. Swinging on one of those big, it's like a tire, but it's tied to a rope. Going back and forth over the water. Whoa, it's wet down there. Cattle boats

with your sweetheart. Yeah. What else are lakes for? This mustache thing's not really going anywhere. I don't know. It's where ducks live. Yo, ducks. The best bird. Duckies. Yeah. They like following their mom. Yeah. I still like to do that. Here's what I love about ducks. They're cute, but they. Duckies. Yeah. They like following their mom. Yeah. I still like to do that. Here's what I love about ducks.

They're cute, but they also respect order. Yeah. They get in line. They're very polite. They're the only bird that organizes itself. Yeah. Only thing with a rectangle mouth. The most prominent of the shapes.

You're right. That's a very good point. I've never thought about that. I never once considered how good a rectangle mouth would be. It's the same shape as most of the foods I enjoy. That's perfect. You could just put a whole sandwich in there.

A whole protein bar? Or candy. That's like protein bar's cool friend. With a leather jacket and a motorcycle. You could put both sides of a Twix in a rectangle mouth. Or like a foot if you sever the toes off. You could put a dead guy's foot in your mouth. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's not dead. Okay, so it's an alive guy's foot? Well, the foot is dead. I think no king shaving should be allowed on this podcast. This feels like we're getting away from what nice boys you know what you're right i'm bad at kind boundaries kinderies kinderies so i don't i still don't know how you eat a foot that's alive well you could suck on it i sure but that's more of a footsicle, Tom.

Yeah. I guess that's true. Okay, what if the foot, I'm trying to buy back this foot thing. What if it's of like a chocolate Easter rabbit, and that's why it's okay? You're eating a rabbit's foot? No, he's chocolate. He's not real. Yeah.

But then it's not really rectangular with the toes bitten off. That's true. They don't really have toes Do they have toes? Kinda I think they've got like two It's like sort of a little paw With like little lines

I only know what rabbit foots look like From drawings of the Easter Bunny I only know from keychains Yeah I don't think those I hope those aren't real No that would be really mean If they were

Yeah And I don't think any of the nice truck drivers That I've come across over the years Would ever want to hurt a real life wagon. No. Donner hangs out with so many nice truckers. Yeah. What if I had said shoe? That would be fine.

Yeah, guys. You like shoe. You could dip it in cheese and call it a font shoe. Oh. Yeah. It's not really rectangular. Kind of oblong. Well, you get the scissors involved.

Safety scissors. Just like mom approved. We're using our hypothetical rectangular mouths just to cut things into rectangles to put in them. Things we really could be eating with the round mouth. What if there was a natural scissor that automatically

cut things into rectangles? Like your teeth? Is that what you're saying? Those are also good. I enjoy teeth? Is that what you're saying? Those are also good. I enjoy teeth. Wait. What did you mean? What other natural scissors? I want to know because I'm very positive today, but I do want to know.

Some sort of just like hammer device, but a scissor, and it just cuts out rectangles. Like a sword. Sure. An axe? A hammer device that cuts. A big paper cutter like in a school built in the 50s? What's a thing that makes the cookies? I don't see what's natural about that.

It doesn't grow out of a dog. It's naturally in your hand for your friends to share with. Nice cover. That was pretty seamless. You saved it. I did. Like a cookie cutter. Oh, man, he keeps doing it with his arms so we know.

Yep, everybody can see what he's doing. Now it makes sense. What a fun add-on to the radio experience. Oh, I have so much fun with you guys. I forget other people listen. You guys are my best friends in this room. Oh, sorry. Did your guys' eyes turn black for a second, too?

Oh, that sounds like, what's that country that makes that music? Are you all right, friend? I think so. Connor got a little frog in his throat. You got one, too. Rip it. Croak. Rip it.

Curtoed. You do a frog sound, Tom. That's probably the most accurate frog sound. That's what most frogs sound like. I'm magical. You know what I love about you, Tom? You can really hear the milk in your neck. You really need to drain your throat on that one, fella.

You got a little extra inventory down there. Sometimes when I get excited, I forget to cough before the show. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know that's how you cough Only when I'm faking it You sound like one of those The spitty dinosaurs in Jurassic Park I can spit

But that's gross I prefer to hug Yeah, those are Those are the two opposites Every day I find myself in a position where I go Do I spit or do I hug? Yep You know That's why I always choose hugging And spitting just helps me Every day I find myself in a position where I go, do I spit or do I hug? Yep.

That's why I always choose hug. And spitting just helps me, but hugging helps us both. Yeah. That's how I decide. I mean, spitting doesn't really help unless you... If you want to spit, though. Unless you work in a spittoon store. I always go hug first. Yesterday, I swallowed a bug, and instead of spitting, I hugged

my dad. And now I'm going to have... Because the bug's inside you? It's not about me. It's about sharing the hugs. So now it's a love witch, because the bug's in the middle. Yeah. So the bug was just kind of a catalyst to this. I could have spit, but I didn't.

You know, I just realized the only good place to spit would be a lake. Because it's already wet. And the frogs don't mind. No. You checked. I do. I have an open line of dialogue with the frogs. The green phone.

To the frog gremlin. I called Tod Pachov and we talked it over. And it turns out they love spit. Toadpachov? Toadpachov. Isn't that a candy, too?

No. You're thinking of Toadblurone. Mr. Toadpachov, let's get this picnic started. Ladies and gentlemen, Aerosmith, Spotify. Walk this way. Squawk this way. Frog this way. Oh, that's what it was.

Talk this way. Hop this way. Just give me a ribbit. Give me a buck. And I am a frog and I got happy legs and I'm jumping all over the town. Live on a lily pad and it's really rad Cause I am green I haven't hit rhyme yet but we're getting there Yeah

Green is the best word for that song I feel like there's more healing in my voice I'm full of green blubber and I like to reminisce About when I was a tadpole that was like being a frog but also a fish. Wow, we're so musically magical fantastical friends.

You said it. I'm a cool green guy, and I got a lot of friends, and I jump real high in the air. I really like doing stuff outside because I'm an animal. We'll work on it. Yeah, we got the gist of it. We'll workshop it. I'd say it's 90% done. Yeah.

Yeah. That's an A in most places. That's an A everywhere. Oh, I didn't go in many places. You got to be a really strict high school if it's 95 and up is an A. Yeah, anywhere that does. I'm not mad at you. I'm just letting you know.

Anywhere that does grades, 90 or more, that's an A, baby. Oh, that's a new number for me. Yeah. Yeah. You learned so much on the Mean Boys podcast. Oh, man, you learned so much. Reading Rainbow.

I like that we're branded with a different show that people already like. Yeah. Yeah. That's like when you put a new candy next to an old favorite

at the grocery store. And you're like, hey, who's this new Fast Break character? You already like peanut butter cups. What if they were shaped like a pumpkin? Do they still make Fastbreak? I don't know.

Those are great. They make the Take Five. I feel like it's kind of the same thing. No, Fastbreak was like... Was it different? I think so. Because I think Take Five has got a bunch of crunchy business. Fastbreak was just like eating a log of fun. You might be right.

I'll tell you what. I want to pull my fast break pants off to go start most podcasts with my friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah. Me too. I always wonder why you podcast after you ripped off a pair of warm up pants.

What's even weirder is that he... And this is, again, live how you want to live. I am not here to make you feel bad. But that he's wearing more breakaway pants under the breakaway pants. Well, maybe there's more reasons to break away throughout the show. You're like a gobstopper of pants.

Yeah. How do breakaway pants work? They have little snippy snaps. But is it like, does it then just be like you have two halves of your pants? Like when the Grinch cuts a Santa suit? I think they're sealed along the inside of the leg. Oh, I get it. Because you couldn't have snippy snaps by your dingle dongle.

Because then they would go, it would flop out. But if it's just around the legs, you go, and then they're gone. But they're still one unit. Oh, okay. Yeah. It all stays together. Yeah, and I'm going to be totally honest. I'm pulling this out of the old keister, so I don't know what it is.

That is like when you ask your dad to explain something to you, and he goes, the electricity goes through the ocean to Russia. Oh, my dad's really smart, though. And you're like, wow, dad, you know everything. And he's like, yep. That's why swimming in the deep end's dangerous. Right. Because of the electricity. Because of the currents. Going to Russia.

Electrical and water currents. A lot of currents, man. Strawberry, raspberry. See what I did. This guy. D.C. A.C. I'll tell you what is a current. This podcast is a rip current towards fun. Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of current, should we talk about events that are current? Because I think it's time. You know what it's time for. A little bit of a segue. The Hispanic American non-competitive humor fiesta. Yeah. So friendly. So friendly. Aye, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. So friendly. So friendly.

Aye, so friendly. All right, guys. Okay. Okay. I'll take us away this week. All right. Volunteers cleaned up 50 tons of trash in Los Angeles this weekend. Hey, I was wondering where our house went.

Oh, it's gross here. They cleaned it up. We're messy boys. We're rambunctious. How much do you think a house weighs? Oh, gosh. That's a good question. A lot more when it's got a bunch of friends living in it.

My first guess is a zillion pounds. All right. And I don't have any other guess. Okay, Tom, that leaves you a lot of wiggle room. I would say it depends how big the house is. It's a zillion pound house. Wow. Then I'm going to say a thousand pounds.

All right. I'm going to look. What have I got, Mr. Internet Wizard? It's the closest without going over. Your voice sounds funny. So I'm going to say. Well, it's the closest. What do we got, Mr. Internet Wizard? It's the closest without going over. Your voice sounds funny. So I'm going to say. There you go. 2,000 pounds.

Okay. All right. Well, it's not showing up right away. So they weigh about 345,000 pounds. So I win. Wow, that was some good numbering. Thanks, guys. All right, Tom, it's your turn to tell a joke.

I think we all won because we got to play together. I agree. No, it's important. When you tell this joke, just make sure you don't hurt anyone's feelings. Of course. No, we don't want to do that. Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that. Disney, like the Disney Corporation.

Oh, I love corporations. Yeah. They make all my favorite stuff. It's when a company becomes one single guy, which is like the ultimate form of friendship. Oh, it's like a family made out of all the people who make your toys. Yeah. Yeah. So Disney has a...

It's like all the elves that worked for Santa got into an old school Power Rangers mech where they all work together. Yeah. It's like, hey, you blue guy, come be the arm. Yellow chick, you're on foot detail and what have you. Yeah. mech where they all work together yeah it's like hey you blue guy come be the arm yellow chick you you're on foot detail and what have you yeah yeah you get it yeah so disney has a bedtime hotline to help kids go to sleep they call it and they're like hello this is disney time to go to sleep child that's almost as cool as the reality that oh I started reading a different joke

but that's not as soothing I'm gonna start over Disney has a bedtime take your time I will this joke directed by Quentin Tarantino I'm not allowed to watch his movies he's for grown ups

Disney has a bedtime hotline to help kids Disney has a bedtime hotline to help kids go to sleep. That sounds pretty soothing, but not as soothing as when Ramsey Bedouin reads me my bedtime story. Oh, that's why he was here. He's got such a soothing voice. I know when my hotline bling. Grover wants to talk to me.

We should call the Disney hotline later. Ever since I took a bath, you want me to go to sleep now. Make me put on my jam jams. Make me drink the milk that's kind of warm in the sink. I don't know I like to think this is Drake's Secret Kids singing this It's Bedtime Bling Yeah

Alright You guys, they found a huge puppy mill in Virginia Boy, I'd like to play around at that miniature golf course It's like a windmill but a big puppy That's what that is, I'm sure Yeah I didn't Google it I want to put milk bones at the dog children.

What? The dog? You mean puppies? Yes. Dog children. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That idea is a hole in one. I know. They're cute a hole in one. I know. They're cute. The word play. Puppies are one of those things, like people calves, where when you see them, it really just makes your heart full.

Yeah, you get flooded. I did a dove. I thought you were talking about on the legs, the calf. No, like a freshly capped person. Oh, yeah. Out of the mother's. Yeah. We don't need to say where.

Like that kind of calf. Yeah, out of your mother's. Yep. You guys want to play mouth motorcycles? Everybody turn left. Oh, no. Got it. I should have worn a helmet.

Safety matters. Always remember to wear a helmet, kids. Okay, an event where people chugged beer and rode tricycles raised money for bikes for disabled children. And they did some pretty good impressions of the kids. It was a lot of fun. That's fun because they were helping. Yeah, it's fun to help. That's a good joke. So the word flig scam means...

Now, I'm just going to jump in here real quick. Okay. Did you go to find news to the dictionary? Because that's great if you did. No one checks there. It's a new word. That's why when Jay Leno says, have you seen this? have you heard about this, he's never saying xylophone or zygote. Well, he turned to page 2019 in the dictionary where all the news is.

Yeah. Okay. Well, it's from one of those Scorpadorba countries. And it's a new word. What was the word again? Flam flam? That actually didn't narrow down what kind of country you were talking about. I got it. It's like where they make meatballs in Ikea's.

Yeah. Okay. All right. See, I was thinking a different one. Oh, yeah. No, I think his is probably the better rabbit hole to go. I agree. Well, you're in Scorpadorba, and I started thinking of the Scorpion King.

Oh. Which I think is in Egypt. I believe so. It's a mummy sequel, so you don't see mummies a lot of other places. I saw one in Los Angeles. Well, yeah, but where'd it come from? Egypt. Yeah, there you go.

There's not a lot of mummies in France. Bonjour. What would mummies look like around the world? Oh. Okay. The French one has a beret. He definitely does. Oh, his pyramid has a mustache.

Oh, yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. Where else? What about a Chinese mummy? Let's stay away from Chinese mummies Okay let's What about a What about a Nigerian mummy Okay he'd be like

Yo I need to borrow My muffin pan back Well you know You know what You know what Nigerian mummies like Rap Music Cause they're wrapped up In mummy stuff Uh huh Well, you know what Nigerian mummies like? Rap music.

Because they're wrapped up in mummy stuff. Uh-huh. Keep going. Tom, I really want to hear about this Chinese mummy. Guys, it's... Wow, this feels dicey for dice, boys. Hey, did somebody say dice? Whoa, Andrew, nice claim.

Yeah, you said dice, and it sounds like kind of my middle name. Anyway, I'm out there. I'm watching the levels while you record, and I want to let you know they look great. Thank you so much for engineering the episode, Dice. No problem. I checked the good sound-o-meter. It's through the roof. Oh, really?

Unbelievable. What kind of numbers are we putting up on the good sound emitter? On a scale, it normally only goes to 10. We're at a zillion, kid. Whoa. A zillion on the good sound emitter. How does that even...

Dang. I don't know. I've never seen it before in all my 48 years of sound engineering. Anyway, I just came because whenever somebody says the word dice, I burst through a door. Not unlike some sort of man related to Kool-Aid.

If you need me, I'll be in the hallway. I'll check in for snacks and supplies later. Cool. All right. Have a good one. You know what sounds good? For old time's sake, some crawlers. I don't think he can hear you.

We went outside. Oh, dice. Hey! Somebody say Dice! What's up, Dice? I was thinking if you're making a snack run, why not kick it old school with some crawlers, just like we did that one time?

You know, kid, I'd love to. Here's the problem. I'm having it. Okay. So you know me. You know if there's one place I go to get crawlers, it's the Krispy Kreme in Monrovia. There's something in the water.

I know. We've been over it a million times. The Krispy Kreme in Monrovia. It's no more. What? It's kaput. Burned to the ground. No.

There was an accident with the Glazatron. I bet it was those clowns over at Dunkin' in Fullerton trying to corner the market. I don't want to case dispersions, but between you and me, between you and me. That Glazer Tron does not malfunction. They got the finest maintenance crew and all the Krispy Kremes in the country working there. Now, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news, I did find another place that makes the same crawlers. Same recipe, hand to God, they taste identical.

The bad news, it is in Taiwan. Whoa. Now, I'm going to go during the episode. I'm going to be gone from the good sound meter for a little bit. I'm going to have to take my Andrew dirigible clay over to Taiwan to get the donuts. Your vehicle of choice. And then I'll be back. All right.

But I'm just letting you know where I'll be. Now, understand, if you say dice at any point, I will reappear and have to leave again. Okay. So be cautious with your dice usage. Yes, Tom, you have a question. I'm just going to let you know, there may not be one in Monrovia, but there is one in San Dimas. It's not the same. It's not the same, Tom. All right, so I'm going to go. Is everybody good? We got crawlers, yes? Yes.

Crawlers. Crawlers. Does anybody need anything else? Glass of water. Glass of water. Decaf coffee. There's also one in the city of industry. Decaf coffee. You got it, Chief.

Yep. All right, see ya. Dude, fucking. You mean fudging? I'm sorry. Oh, no. It's the swear alarm. Oh, no.

Now I've got to give $5 to a charity of your choice. Yeah. I choose Dog House is for orphans. All right. What? I think I still have my payment information saved from the last time I donated to Dog House is for orphans. What? I think I still have my payment information saved from the last time I donated to dog houses for orphans. It's a good cause.

Oh, okay. Look, it takes a long time to buy a regular house for an orphan, but a dog house is pretty cheap. Yeah, it's a good deal. And they can be small because they don't have a mom and dad to bring in there. It's like the king of the hill. I think dog houses for anyone is good. May I finish my joke about the flig

scram? As soon as you tell me about the Chinese mommy. I'm kidding. Tell the flim flam. I don't remember. I'm kidding. Tell the flim scram. The word flig scram means to feel shame or embarrassment for taking a plane

due to climate change. You know when I don't feel flingscram? When Connor McSpedden goes, Here comes the plane when he's feeding me oats. We really bond when I feed you oats by the spoonful. I know, spoonful. Even more when it's by the handful. It's a bigger plane.

What I think is weird is that you both... Especially when I'm riding on your back while we do it like that. I think it's weird that you both wear bibs while you do it. Well, I spill some oats sometimes, scooping them from my backpack into Tom's mouth with my bare hands. I mean, it's a messy process. Yeah, it's always good to be prepared when eating oats or lobster. I just realized that was our first round of job. It sure was.

All right, here we go. Football player Antonio Brown left the NFL to go back to college. Learning is so important, you guys. I'll bet he'll be ahead of his pass. Because like a football guy, throw it. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the sound effect. All yeah, yeah. Let me do it again. I like the sound effect.

All right, yeah. You did a little, little, we're the best around thing with your hand, too. No one's going to never not go to college. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to pass to the class. Yeah.

Learning about math. That was pretty good. Yeah, we did it, man. Yeah, it's no hop this way, but it could be the B side. Hop this way. W was pretty good. Yeah, we did it, man. Yeah, it's no hop this way, but it could be the B-side. Hop this way. Wiggle, wiggle. Frog this way. Living in the swamp.

Lenny Kravitz lost a pair of vintage sunglasses at the shrine in L.A. over the weekend. He told fans to be on the lookout for thieves and dogs whose butts look like cool guys. Why would you put them on a butt? That's where you put the sunglasses on the dog's butt. It's a butt. He's got two faces. His little nose looks like he's a cool guy. So he's like a cat dog, but both sides are a dog.

Well, yeah, one of them's a butt with sunglasses. Yeah, but it's a dog's butt. So if you see one of those dogs, you might be looking at Lenny Kravitz's vintage sunglasses. I have a Google alert for cute dog butts. Okay. So I will let you know. I know you have a Google alert for that.

Oh, I love dogs. Yeah, you do. I love petting them. A lot. I watch videos about them. You and your girlfriend, that one girl. Oh, man. Used to watch so many videos.

Oh, that dog got petted so good. Tom, it's your turn to please tell the joke. My favorite dog is Clifford. The big red? Yeah. Is there any other? Because he's like four horses into one dog. He is about as big as four horses.

It must be so hard to be Clifford. Yeah. When Clifford poops, like, what bag could hold that poop? Maybe like... You know, you'd have to like wrap it in like... Like a circus tent. Exactly. You'd have to get get a house fumigation thing

every time he had to make. Is this a mini mansion with roaches? Nope, it's just Clifford poop. Maybe we could help him with that charity. What was it? Dog houses for dog orphans? It was dog houses for people orphans. You know how they do a camera up your

bum hole? No, a medical use. Really? The medical term your bum hole. No, a medical use. Really? The medical term is bum hole? I didn't say it with hard T's. I said bum. I did. Yeah. Yeah. You guys both said it. You both owe money to

the dead dog charity. There's no dead dog. Well, I love helping out those orphans that need dog houses to live in. But I was just saying, like, couldn't you get like an RC car and just drive it into Clifford's bum? Oh, that would be good. That would be fun. It's like a racetrack.

Exactly. And all the loop-de-loops. But the prize is he doesn't have cancer. Well, and then you go in the stomach and then you float around with all the funny food he ate. And you go, hey, look, teacher, my homework really is in here. How is that not one of the books? The end of the books. Clifford gets a rectal exam.

One where we drive a car through Clifford's behind. I'd go to the bookmobile for that. Me too. Reading Rainbow. Yeah. All right. Whose turn is it, Me too. Reading Rainbow. Yeah. All right. Whose turn is it, Tom? It's mine.

Nice. The UN honors a Chinese company for planting 122 million trees. That's almost as many trees as Keith Carey has planted in my heart. Wow. Because he's a good friend. Yeah. Yeah. You make it easy. You're like China. Yep. I am like China.

I'm pretty big. You love polluting. They're cleaning up. Yeah, they're trying to fix it. They're like, air, clean the air. We got to clean the air. That'll fix all the smoking that China did. Yeah, they're trying to fix it. They're like, air, clean the air. We got to clean the air. That'll fix all the smoking that China did. Yeah, well, you know, ever since that mummy showed up.

Oh, yeah, the Chinese mummy. They've really had to think about the future. Clean the air, mummy. This is how we do it. Okay, I'm going to go. Speaking of China, China made the first cloned kitten and named it Garlic. What kind of toy does he play with? A toothbrush?

That was great. That was a scary sound. That was joy. I know, but it turns scary. Sometimes you're scared of how much you're joy. You know, because it makes your breath smell bad. Well, guys, Germany joined an alliance to phase out coal. Good news for the environment.

Better news for naughty kids at Christmas time. Oh, not on our watch, Santa. They're not getting, well, now they're just getting nothing, which is better than a big stinky lump of coal. I know. And, you know, the parents were like, we don't have to get any toys. They're going to put coal in there. But now, not going to happen. Yep.

No dice. Did somebody say dice? Whoa. How did you get here so quick? The dirigible has an automatic teleport me over here button. Oh, it doesn't go to Thailand? I got to be honest with you. First of all, Taiwan.

Second of all, if you start picking apart the mechanics of the button, you'll get real upset real quick. Okay. It bothers me, too. Anyway. That's what happened when I asked where babies come from, too. You don't ask what you don't want to know. They come from your mother's... I got to figure this was a misfire.

Does anybody need anything from me? No, it was an accident. I didn't mean to say it. That's okay. I'm not mad. Okay. I'm gonna get back in the dirigible. Okay. The dice dirigible? The Andrew dirigible clay,

right? Yeah. My name's not Dice, so I don't know why I'm tied to that word. Anyway, I'm taking off. Okay. Bye, Dice. His name's Nice. Andrew Nice Clay. Yeah. Okay. Bye, Dice. His name's Nice. Yeah. Andrew Nice Clay.

Yeah. But if we say Dice. Hey, did somebody say Dice? I did. Well, I'm sorry. I was telling Tom how it worked. It's fine. I didn't get that far.

I can't imagine you did. I hadn't even unmoored from the roof. I'm going to be totally honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still anchored. Still tied down. Yeah. Okay. What do you say?

The crawlies aren't that important. If I say dice again, will you get closer to me? I don't know. There's only one way to find out. You got to leave? Yeah. Let me take off here. All right.

See you guys. Dice. Oh, did somebody say dice? He did get closer to me. Yeah. Was that everything you dreamed it could be? It was. All right. Terrific. Santa, if was that everything you dreamed it could be? It was. Oh, right, terrific.

Santa, if he tried to sit on your lap. That's right. That's my kind of Santa. Hey, oh, I tell you, no calling that stocking. Yeah. Because of the news story you just did. Oh, no. I got a live feed to the dirigible.

I've been listening to everything on the way. Oh, you can probably still see the good sound-o-meter I haven't hooked up the display to go from here to there But you know what? I'm going to work on that Oh, great But I will say this Let me go check the good sound-o-meter real quick All right

Oh, yeah, me and Tom, we should probably Should we say his name to bring him back? No, just let him check it. Let him check? Whose turn? Was Keith's turn to do a joke? It was my turn. It was your turn.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, do a joke and Dice will come back. Hey, did somebody say Dice? You made me jump. Yeah, that's what I do. The good sound demeanor looks good. Oh, good.

I'm glad. We didn't want to disturb you, but we said it on accident. No, no, you're totally fine. It's my fault for having a magic code word. Yeah. I'm going to never cross that gypsy. All right, I'll be out in the hallway. Can you still say gypsy?

Is that okay? I don't know the rules on that. Does he have to donate $5 to the dog houses for orphans? Gypsy is a kind of person. It's not a derogatory term. I don't know. Probably not. I mean, it's not like he's not a derogatory term. I don't know. Probably not. I mean, it's not like he's like a dice agent.

Oh, God. Did somebody say dice? Oh, my God. Okay. Here's the thing. I don't want to bother you guys. I know you mean well. I love to see you.

You know I love to see you. We love to see you, too. Where are my gifts? Okay. Number one, I do feel like I have to explain I am not actually Santa Claus. Do you know that? No. Okay.

So Santa is the one that is Santa. Yeah. I am Andrew Nice Clay. Touring 80s comedian of note. Turned overall do-gooder slash podcast engineer slash Kroger retriever. But you're loud and jolly and show up with magic. Many people are, minus the magic part.

That admittedly narrow window, but I am one of several. It's me, Santa, Jesus. The green M&M. You know about what she can do, I tell you. Oh, yeah. Mind reader. Spent a week with her one day. That's pretty good, Chief.

Anyway, what I was getting at is every time you do the dice teleport, it puts tremendous strain on my kidneys. Okay, I'm sorry, Dad. It's like getting a full unshielded x-ray every time. So I can sustain it over a long enough period of time. But we're putting a lot of miles on it. The adverse

effects have started and I left my Aleve in the dirigible. Also, between the last one and this one, the dirigible did come untethered and fly away. I didn't know that Aleve was what you took for radioactive kidney damage. It's probably not the number one thing, but it's what I've got available to me. I don't have insurance.

Oh, really? That sucks, Andrew. But, Sandy, you have magic. Have you thought about getting Obamacare? No, thanks. Why not? Let's not get into it. We're all having a good time here.

Is it a political thing? No. All right. Nothing to do with his politics. Okay. It's more of a downtown problem. You catch my drift. You can be nice

and be like me. I found a loophole. Well, you know. Yes. This is well, I think this is a good place to grow from. Our friendship, I think

you may change your opinion. Is it because he's all thin and you have that giant belly? No, Tyrone, that's not it. I feel like he's not going to get that I'm not Santa. And I don't want him thinking things about Santa that aren't true. Yeah. Keith, you've been awfully quiet about this. Yeah, I'm over here.

I'm just kind of soaking it in. Yeah. Yeah. I'm over here. I'm just kind of soaking it in. Yeah. I don't know why are you racist? You're a nice guy. Hey, I'm not racist. I just don't like certain races. Yeah. That's kind of what it is. Oh, is that

what that means? Oh, shit. Woo! Alright, I gotta go turn it off from out there. Woo-woo. Okay, go down to the hallway. Turn it off the alarm. You got to give $5 to a dead dog now. There's no dead dogs.

It's for dog houses for orphans. Their parents are dead. The dogs are kids, actually. $5 to dead parents, then. Okay. Okay. Oh, man. You guys want to get through the jokes?

Yeah, I guess we should probably finish. That would be fun. It's my turn. I think it's my turn. Sure. Is it my turn? I have one more, so whatever that means. I also have one more. I think I only wrote four that I can actually do.

I have two more. Virtual reality is helping dementia patients. Whoa. That's almost as cool as the reality that no one will be upset that we're announcing the end of our show on a Nice Boys episode. Oh, meta jokes are the worst. Meta commentary. Oh, it's like comedy, but the joke is, hey, you know how another thing exists? Neat.

No, we're the thing that exists. No, let's bring back Andrew Nice Clay. You know, because enough of this meta-comedy. Yeah. Let's just keep it on the streets. Yeah. All right. For the rugby world, you know what's funny, actually?

And I wasn't going to mention this before. Andrew Niceclay wrote this joke for me. Oh, really? He asked me to do it. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't look at it before, but he's very nice. I bet it's fine.

He's such a nice guy, even after finding out about some of his personal misgivings. All right. I'm not going to read it in his voice. I can't do it. It hurts my throat. Okay. For the rugby world cup, Tokyo is opening an LGBT safe space So they say you can bang anything there

Even a gong I don't really get I don't know what a gong is I was laughing at the rhythm I don't understand it It sounds like it might be a little bit It's like a bell that's also a plate Yeah that's pretty good, actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, weirdly keeping in that theme, Panama band single use plastic bags. Now, if those mean old drug smugglers want to get any of their pesky drugs over here, they'll have to put paper bags in their bum. Oh, that doesn't sound very fun. Oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, but if you were Clifford, you could fit a whole Postmates sack. Like a satchel. Yeah. A whole messenger thing. What a good job for Clifford. Or a gong. Dude, Clifford could be a great drug mule. Clifford the big red.

And drugs are bad. They are bad. But having money is good if you're Clifford. But mules are cool. Clifford's got to work. He's got to put food on his gigantic table. Yeah, dogs love tables. He's got to buy a big couch he's not allowed on.

His brain's got to be bigger, too. Clifford's brain, if it was proportionate, even to a dog's brain. It's the size of a Volkswagen. It would be larger than any human's brain, and he would be the smartest being that ever lived. Oh, is Clifford God? Clifford, if he were to exist, could, I believe, become godlike in his grasp of intelligence. If Clifford did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. That's from Big Redrick Nietzsche.

Oh, I thought it was in the Bogadog Gita Man, we read a lot of books this summer That's why we're smart now Yeah, I really liked the Bogadog Gita I just read Clifford You guys have read way more Oh, we're way down the rabbit hole on Clifford Yeah

Alright, Tom, do you have a joke? And that'll be it, I think Yeah, yeah, yeah We still have an? And that'll be it, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We still have an impossible amount of this show to do. I know. This is the first of three segments. Ah! Ah!

Woo! When a man got a mysterious email from his boss. Suspense. He hired a clown to go into the meeting with his boss as an emotional support person. Guess what? What? I found my new side hustle. Whoa. Tom's a clown.

And he's got a rooster. Wow. Well, that was a great non-competitive Hispanic American humor fiesta, guys. Yeah, it was. One for the books. I think the Dice Boys podcast. Hey, did somebody say dice? Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Andrew. Can somebody turn the alarm off? No. Oh, get the alarm. There's going to be a fire. There won't be a fire. I can feel it bleeding.

I was just trying to throw it a break. I was trying to say nice. I'm okay. I'm okay. It's fine. It's fine. I said nice on accident. I need it quiet for like 10 seconds.

Okay. We'll take a break. We can get it together. Yeah. I put out the fire i started okay good nice boys we'll be right back god fucking damn it the mean boys podcast is brought to you by himalaya and i'm gonna be honest with you i've never been more glad to admit that we're quitting the show than i am right now why Why is that, Tom? Because Mr. Ear. Who's Tom? I'm Mr. Ear.

You respect the fourth wall. I have no walls. I'm an ear. And I'm here to tell you about... I have no walls. I'm a loose pussy. Unlike Tom, who has three. I'm here to tell you about Himalaya. No walls in the mountain of sound built by that beautiful podcasting app.

You can do all sorts. Well, Mr. Ear's really cleaned up his head, Poppy. Mr. Ear's got chops. All right. Yeah, go on, Mr. Ear. Here's what you got to know about Himalaya. It's an app that plays podcasts. There's like buttons.

There's comments. There's tip jars. There's comments. There's tip jars. There's a lot of things to do with your ear. You can get an earful of good sound at Himalaya. Name a favorite podcast, Mr. Keith Carey. That's on there. Connor. What about WTO?

That's on there, too. Name another one. Shut up. It's time for Mr. E to tell you about all the podcasts you can hear. Okay. Including Meat Boys. It'll be backlogged on Himalaya forever. Oh, did I mention playlists?

Yes. Oh, yeah. There's still playlists on there. Oh, we were so close to cleaning out. Cool. Tight. Well, that's Himalaya. Enjoy your money well spent, you fucking morons.

Oh, and the Nice Boys podcast is back, everybody. We sure are. Huzzah! And it's time for our favorite game. It's time to play the Glad Bag. What? Glad Bag. Bag is glad. Thank everyone.

Bag is here. Send a voicemail or leave it at the bag. Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag. Bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag, bag. Oh, that's by our buddy Gladrew Hiller. Yeah. Gladrew Hiller in the bags. I just want to let the listeners know in case they're concerned.

I just spoke with Andrew out in the hallway. As long as we don't say that word He should be okay He's recovering He seems pretty sick He's laid up Is the best way to describe it He get the crawlers? Yeah

He couldn't get the crawlers Is he going to bring a different gift? I think he's focused on getting well right now I think we should support him Yeah we can postmate some crawlers later From Taiwan Oh Yeah we might not get here for a couple years He's getting well right now. I think we should support him. Yeah, we can postmate some crawlers later from Taiwan. Oh. Yeah, they might not get here for a couple years.

Yeah, you can only transport crawler by boat. It's a weird loophole. Maritime law as it pertains to crawler commerce is very complicated. It must be something with the water over there. Must be. Very, very good All right Well, let's

Let's dip into the glad bag Let's dip into the glad bag So the way this works is somebody says a thing That's written on a piece of paper that makes the world glad And we have to guess who wrote it Yeah, no, it's somebody that makes you glad Yeah That we wrote it

We all wrote some down And we put them in a bag And we pick them up Yeah Pretty much Yeah, okay All right. All right, so the first one is one that I wrote.

I'll put it back. All right. This one's folded where the writing is on the outside, not on the inside of the fold. I think I know who it is. So I think I know whose it is. This one says, the sounds of rattling dice. Hey! Did somebody say dice?

Oh, fuck! Fuck! Tom, could you turn the alarm off? Big-button press! It hurts so bad. Tom, why would turn the alarm off? Big butt impressed. It hurts so bad. Tom, why would you write that? Are you okay? Everybody calm the fudge down.

Okay. Okay. Here's the situation. I've gone mildly radioactive. Yeah, you have. Yeah, look, it's a problem with the teleportronic device. You teleported into the physical space I'm occupying, Andrew. I understand what I did.

Look, I'm not trying to say it was a good thing. We're a homunculized mound of horrifying flesh. Let me finish. There's a leather jacket going through my neck. We're a little fused. Yeah, I'll say. Now, look, I can pull out of you right now. You can?

I can separate from your body, but I'm going to let you know, it's not going to feel good. Think about how good the crawlers made you feel. Okay. We're talking the opposite of the crawler feeling, okay? Okay. So on the count of three, I'm going to pull really hard. All right. All right. One. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, I'm going to pull really hard. Alright. Alright. One. Oh, God.

Two. You guys want me to get you. Three. Fuck! Goddammit, shit! Fuck! There it is. Big butted press.

I'm going back out to the hallway. Did you bring me a gift? Yeah, I brought you a lot of vomit. Tom, get the alarm. Big butted press. All right. I brought you a lot of vomit. It'll be in the hallway later.

I got to check the good soundometer. Oh, okay. I don't really want vomit. Oh, God. How do you feel? Oh, my God. Not good. Not good. Oh, God. How do you feel? Oh, my God. Not good. Not good.

You have a big hole in the side of you. When we merged, I felt like I could feel what he was feeling. How did it feel? Racist. Okay, we were right. He is racist. Yeah, he's very racist. Yeah, okay. We shouldn't take him places.

Yeah, maybe not. Racist is like when you run competitively against other people. It's one way to do it. You know what? You should scoot back because I'm worried he's going to teleport to the same spot if we call him again. Yeah, I'm going to actually in real life move backwards because that is a problem. Yeah. Okay.

No one wants to pick something else. I'm going to guess that that one was written by Connor. No, it was you. Yeah. Okay. While we're recording. Now, if no one wants to pick something else. I'm going to guess that that one was written by Connor. No, it was you. Yeah. Yeah, you wrote it. I was trying to do a... You severely endangered my personal well-being by teleporting a comedian. No, you said the thing.

I didn't say it. You wrote it down. I'm going to pull something out of the glad bag. Okay, why are we fighting? This has gotten negative The glad bag is about positivity It's a mean boy Yeah, I'm positive

Glad bag I'm in a lot of pain right now Alright, well, take some of your magic baby juice I wonder if Dice has any to leave Oh! That's not what he said Dice! Oh, God! Okay, well well it's just everything is burning oh wait i was gonna

ask if you had any of the elite here's what's happening i think the radiation from my kidney is getting into you now yeah yeah so whatever's happening to me it it's happening to us. I feel fine, but I wore a helmet today. That's not how you protect from radiation. Oh, my God. The transformation's beginning. Oh, no. Oh, no. Ah.

What? Same. What's your favorite thing in the whole wide world on the count of three? Say it at the same time. My mom's spaghetti. Oh, God. We said it. The whole wide world on the count of three. Say it at the same time. My mom's spaghetti. Oh, God. We said it. It synced up.

Crazy good. I'm going to go see. Crazy good. Crazy good. That's my catchphrase. I've been saying it for years. Like the slogan of the worst pizza place I've little seasoned. Hey, what am I, some kind of veto power over here?

No. I'm being kind to him, am over here? Oh, hey, oh. I'm being kind to him, am I right? Oh, yeah. I mean. Hang on. There's only one way to know for sure if the transformation is occurring. I'm going to say a word.

You make the first noise that comes to mind. Puerto Rico. Boo! Oh, no. Oh, God, it's worse than I thought. Oh, that's. I know that's bad, but it's hard. It's hard to act upon that feeling.

There might still be time for you. And I feel like the force that wanted me to say boo is growing stronger. They're not in your neighborhood yet, Charlie. I'll be back. Oh, guys. I'm not feeling so good. Oh, no. Keith. Yeah.

You were awfully quiet during all that. Yeah. You're supposed to have my back when I'm turning into another guy. This makes me nervous. I don't know how to talk when he's around. Try living with him in your own head. I'm sorry. Pretty nerve-wracking experience. I'm sorry.

Anyway, this one says listening to songs in the car with my pals. Oh, isn't that great? Yeah. Doesn't that make it all better? I mean, I thought it was. I think that was either Connor or Keith or me. I mean, yeah. Yeah, those are the three people that put stuff in the bag. You don't know that.

I hope he's working on the cure. I was with the bag the whole time. I'm pretty sure of tampering. I'm going to say this one doesn't look like it was written by a serial killer so I'm going to say it was Connor. Oh, yep. It was the guy

formerly known as me. Oh, Connor. No, we can't give you a nice name because if we give you a name then you become officially converted Alright, it's your turn to dip into the bag Alright This feels bad, you guys

I'm confused I'm not too crazy About this Let's make sure Tom understands everything that's happening Okay So basically Yeah Through Christmas magic

Wrong Okay Let's hear him out Through Christmas magic Wrong Okay Let's hear him out There's two Santas And if I'm supposed to understand correctly Neither one brought me a gift Well you're right about one thing You definitely didn't get a gift

Definitely not Unless you consider our friendship a gift It is but that's from you. Oh, you're not as nice as the other. I'm in a lot of pain. So is he, but he's still pretty friendly about it. I have worse coping skills than him when it comes to physical torment. All right, what do we got?

This one says a big humdinger. A big hairdryer. A big ham dongler. A big humdangler. I'm circling the same few conclusions. Let me see. It says a big humdinger. What is that?

It's got to be Tom because it's annoying and it doesn't make sense. Is that you, Tom? Yeah, because sometimes, like, something happens. A normal-sized humdinger won't do. It won't. And something will happen. You're like, whoa, a big humdinger. Name one time you've said that phrase.

When I ate a big sandwich. Never record once. That was a big hamburger. Hamdinger. All right, Tom. Pull something out of the bag. Hamdingers. That's what I call.

Oh, forgot. Nice boys. Yeah. Can't say. Okay. When you coos the laundry and all your clothes are clean. I'll go ahead and look at that. When you do laundry.

Oh. It doesn't say coos the laundry. You're about, hey, that's a word that only Andrew Nice Clay knows. Hey, Tom, you know what I got to teach you about is something called context clues. Oh, I'm a deep cut of clues that rhymes with coos. Here's not something that has ever happened to laundry. Here's here's how deep kind of a bad word coos is. Even the bad word alarm doesn't know it.

Oh, is that what word? What kind of word? It means... Like a... Like a flap front. Oh, like a ninny nodding out. Yeah, like a mom house. Oh, like a belly button. A downstairs belly button. A butt.

No, that's the front. That's the back door. I don't... I don't understand. Oh, no. the front. That's the back door. I don't understand. I'm a China. Woo! Oh, no. Big button push. Okay.

All right. I think... I think... Uh-oh. I think it's metastasized into Rodney. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm Rodney Safefield. Oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm Rodney Safefield. Oh. Uh-oh. Oh, no. The final form. What am I getting? What am I getting? It's not respect. I know that for sure. Oh, no.

Hopefully there's some respect for him in this bag. You can get a gift of respect from Santa, but he hasn't been giving anything. Maybe you can give your father the gift of death. Oh! That's not very nice. I hope this isn't happening to me. Oh, no. I'm okay.

There's just a frog this way in my throat. This one says, fresh stuff. Fresh stuff. Tom, it's stuff. Fresh stuff. Tom, it's you. Fresh stuff. You don't know that. I'm pretty sure.

I think it's you. You had a different colored pen than all of us. I think it's you. Why would I not? I got some fresh stuff. It's the same stuff I've been doing since the 80s. Oh, God. Still fresh.

It's weird because it's not funny, but I want to laugh at it. Fresh stuff is you, Tom. Why do you like fresh stuff? Because it's, like, not old. You know what? I don't need to dig any further on that. Yeah. Don't you like it when you're, like, fresh?

Yeah. When I cooze the laundry and it comes out fresh, I love it. Yeah. I wish I had a fresh wife. Should I call you Connor or Rodney? I don't know what you'd prefer. I'm Rodney Safefield. Rodney Safefield.

Okay. Mr. Copperfield, what happened to Connor? You're thinking of the magic guy. Can I ask a question? I do one-liners. Is Connor still in there? I don't know anybody named Connor. Okay.

I don't even really know if this is how Rodney sounds. Not really, but you're in the ballpark. I think our friend is gone. I guess we'll be friends with this guy. Did we look at the bag? Read this stuff you put in the bag. Melted ice cream. Hey, did somebody say dice?

Oh, God. Oh, no, I said ice. Oh, no, but there's a D in melted. Oh, God. Oh, no. I said ice. Oh, no. But there's a D in melted. Oh, God. It's Pratt's and Understand. Dice cream. That's an understandable.

Oh, no. Oh, God. It's on everyone. Oh, God. Everyone's covered in my goo. You're puking all over the place. I don't have the strength to go on. Oh, God, everyone's covered in my goo. We're puking all over the place. I don't have the strength to go on.

Tell my wife to check the good soundometer. Why do I have a sudden craving for my wife's cooking with all this puke? Oh, my God, he's dead. Do you think? No, that was a bad time for that cooking joke. Now's not the time, Rodney Sayfield. Okay. Here's Ramsey Badawi, Tom Goss. Here's the good news, guys. Okay.

All we need is to find Tim Allen and you'll put on his clothes and we'll have a new Santa. That'll fix everything. We don't have a Tim Allen. We have a Tom Goss. How are we going to get Tim Allen at this time of night? Do you know how far away the Laugh Factory is?

It's got to be 20 minutes. 25 with traffic. Alvarado's closed. He's right. Now that is up to the minute traffic alert. Can we page him? Wow. It's happening to you.? Well, it's happening to you. You guys, something's happening to me.

You're coming down with a case of nice fever. Oh, no. Keith's Tim Allen. The transformation is complete. You're turning. Oh, God. It's in my blood. He's yelling punchlines. Well, now I'm just Andrew Nice Clay. Oh, God! It's in my blood!

He's yelling punchlines. Well, now I'm just Andrew Nice Clay. Oh, Keith. Oh, Rodney. I don't really know Keith because I'm Rodney. And I don't really know Rodney because I'm me. I don't. Actually, we probably do know each other.

Yeah, we probably opened for each other at the Chuckle Hut. Yeah, we used to do... In Fort Lauderdale. We used to do Mee Fields. Yeah, I remember that. It was a good comedy. Did you ever tag up that waitress with the sweet caboose? You bet your ass I did. Oh, I creamed those crullers.

Yeah. Yeah. Who the fuck is this guy? Yeah. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is your gig along doing? Big button fuck break. Daisy, Daisy, give me your podcast dude.

What are we doing? Some kind of faggot shit with the bag? I'm home. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm going to pull the next bag. Pull something out of the fucking bag, tubby. Why is Santa done? Yahtzee. I think that dumb alarm is finally done. What do you play Yahtzee with?

Your boyfriend. Well, you get the cups. You got him because he's gay. Oh! Gay much gay? Not on purpose. Oh, right. Give me the fucking bag. Okay.

Oh, right. Where's the love, friends? The love's in your boyfriend's dick hole. This one says poops that you don't have to wipe. I do like those. Oh, nothing wrong with a clean drop. I call them a first divorce. Like driving through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Nice and easy. Straight shot, no traffic. Alvarado's wide open, a ghost town. New York Alvarado. You're in Highland Park before you know it. There's something in the manholes. Yeah. Hey. Speaking of manholes, Tom's still gay.

Rodney, I like you. I like this guy. Yeah. Pull something out of the bag. There's only one left in the bag. One is the friendliest number. This one says the song Paradise City. Uh-oh.

Oh, fuck. His body started doing weird stuff. It got goo on the gay guy over here. Oh, my God. Oh, you said dice. I think that's how it works. Yeah, that seems to be the trigger word of the day. Oh, you got some in your mouth there, kid.

Yeah, I feel weird. Yeah? Yeah, but I don't know. It's coming down with something, I think. Okay. He was twitching like a senator in a men's room. Yeah, twitching like a... Like a...

Like a kid with a disease. Yeah, there you go. Twitching like Michael J. Fox on the Scrambler. Yeah. Hey. What's a Scrambler? It's a ride at the carnival, you mook. I'm sorry, I'm not hanging out at the carnival.

I got a better gig. Hey, then where are you working? Oh. Ask your mom. Hey, I'm busting your balls. Hey, bust away the made of solid steel over here. Yeah, bust a rhyme out of you. Hey, bust away the made of solid steel over here. Yeah, bust a rhyme out of here. Hey, bust a nut.

How you feeling? Yeah, new guy. I feel different. What's happening here? What's the matter you? It's me, Bill Nice. Bill Nice the what? Hicks.

Nice Hicks. Oh, it's Nice Bill Hicks. Oh, of course. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, the government. Oh, yeah. How do you feel about the government?

Well, what you reading for? I don't know, George W. Bush. You tell me. Here's the problem. I think we're supposed to go to a commercial, but I feel like Bill Nice Hicks or whatever the fuck Christ his name is is going to have a problem with that. I have a problem with anything sold.

I'm anti fascism. And anti pronunciation too. From the looks of things. Fascism. I'm from Texas. Which is a nice place. Lots of fields. The government's

good to you. Cattle. Friendship. Bill Hicks Lots of fields. The government's good to you. Cattle. Friendship. Bill Hicks doesn't talk a lot for how much he talks. Yeah. First of all, weird that you're talking to yourself in the third person. Second of all, weird that you'd be the only one infected with this loud guy disease who got the quiet guy part. Yeah. I agree.

Maybe it's still kicking in. Let's see how this develops. After the break. Yeah, let's sell some fucking podcast app. Ho, ho, ho. Welcome back to the tool sack with Tim and Starring Tim Allen and me, Santa Claus The number one radio show in Taiwan We're broadcasting live from the Krispy Kreme Donuts

With our guest, the Chinese Mummy Hey guys, thank you so much for having me It's great to be here, big fan of the show Big fan of you, Chinese Mummy Oh, stop it stop you don't mean that let's let's start right from the beginning i gotta be honest you sound different than i thought you would i get that a lot i was actually born in sacramento so i i i know tim yeah it's a little weird but oh do you have any actual questions for our guest, Tim? Oh, I'm pretty sure you know words.

No, I got what he was saying. No, my parents were from China, but they came to the States. So first generation Americans. I think so. Second, I don't know how that works. Is your name Chinese Mummy, or do you have a name? It's kind of a stage name. I don't like to get into my...

Like Gallagher 2. Exactly, yeah. It's my government name. I don't want... You don't need to... I understand. I got a separate Facebook for my mom. My real name's not Santa Claus.

Really? No. Between you and me, a little secret for the listeners, it's Abraham Hershowitz. Oh. Didn't see that coming, did you? They're always... Whenever you change your name in show business, it's always really Jewish. Yeah, that's the reason to do it. My real name is actually the Jewish Mommy.

Oh! I'm kidding you, Sam. You got me. This is why you're headlining the Taiwan Chucklot. Yep. Tell me, you're working the weekend out there. What can people expect from your show? Well, it's going to be completely different from my Netflix special.

Okay. Which just came out. Because that was pretty controversial. Yeah, Pyramid Life Crisis, streaming now. And the blogs made quite a meal out of it. You said some inflammatory things about the trans community. I felt like I was... You know what, Santa? I'll tell you what I did.

I was honest about my understanding of the situation and I think that if you're being earnest then it's... I'm not opposed to growing or evolving on the issue. So, yeah, I think it was something that I was thinking about

and I shared my point of view. And you know what? I'm learning a lot. I've learned a lot since this special came out. That's an understandable perspective. I appreciate your maturity. I believe Tim has a question. About six months.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, you know what? Yeah, six months. Six to eight months. For the listening audience who might not have seen the special yet, I want to play just a clip from the bit we're talking about. So this is recorded live at the O2 Arena in London, England.

Sold out crowd. This is the Chinese mummy on trans people. Beep. You guys seen these transgenders? What the hell is going on there? I mean, I'm a mummy. And I'm like, whoa. I was born a guy, and now I'm a mummy,

and I think it's weird. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. We'll go ahead and cut it there. It gets pretty bad after that. Well, what offended you about it? I mean, there's some slurs coming.

What slurs? The T word. I didn't even know that last one. That's friendly talk. That's just... You think switcheroo n-word is friendly talk? Yeah, I mean, I'm just kidding. It's not a TED talk.

It's a fucking stand-up comedy special, Santa. I didn't expect to be such a fucking c fucking fucking uh i'm not a cuck about the whole thing i'm not a santa okay okay i didn't realize you were an alt-right mommy oh alt-right that's do you think your parents would appreciate the disrespect you're bringing to the family name yeah yeah god forbid you know you want to cut your dicks off and i want to cut taxes and all of a sudden i'm the fucking bad guy. Let me tell you what it's like growing up as a Chinese mummy outside of Sacramento. Please do.

People yelling at you to lap it up out the windows of other fucking station wagons. You think that's fun? Kind of. You think I got a break at any point in my high school education? I had to wipe my ass with myself because I was the only one using the Chinese mummy restroom. I'm kidding. I had to shit with the other boys, and they weren't super nice about me being in their bathroom. And I don't see why I should extend the courtesy.

I'm sorry. What was that, Tim? Roughlake. Roughlake? I'm saying Snowflake and Tim Allen. Oh. Oh, okay. So he's on your side here. I want to be clear. I'm saying Snowflake and Tim Allen. Oh, okay. So he's on your side here.

I want to be clear. I'm not mad. I'm just having the conversation. Oh, yeah. You're having the conversation. Well, there's no. You came in here hostile. All you fucking big media dudes. I'm giving you air time to plug your ideas.

But they're not going to stand on challenge. You're towing the company line that Krispy Kreme Taiwan Radio wants you to. Look, man, I understand my paycheck is paid by the crawler industry. I know that. Oh, yeah, it's perfectly clear if you listen to one second of your fucking show, Santa. All right, all right. Okay. I'm sorry it's not your fucking podcast.

Yeah, you play a clip from my stand-up special. Look, I'm sorry we all can't be thriving on compound media. You cut it before I get to the goddamn punchline? All right, you know what? No, shut the fuck up. Let's play the rest of the clip. And we throw them all in a fucking lake. Who's with me?

See, it's funny stuff. No, it's not. I know. You know who else got cheers like that? Adolf fucking Hitler. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm a lot better writer than him. No, it's not. I know. You know who else got cheers like that? Adolf fucking Hitler. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm a lot better writer than him. Yeah, are you really?

Because I don't see your book in libraries. Yeah. I got it. Yeah, that's because I released it on the dark web, Santa. Yeah, that's not a book. That's a blog. Who's the cuck now? No, it's not.

Explain the difference. It's a book. Uh-huh. It's on paper. Really? And it's on the dark web. And you buy it. And somebody mails you it from the dark web. With GuyCoin, a coin that, yes, you can also use to buy and sell guys.

I thought it was Guy Fieri branded, admittedly. That would be fun, but no. Okay, this is just a human trafficking. You're thinking of flavor coins.. Okay, this is just a human trafficking. You're thinking of flavor coins. Shocking. The Asian mommy likes human trafficking. Oh.

Oh, I can't play. Oh, I can't have fun with these ideas. You've got eight flying slaves. No, they're reindeer. They love it. They love it. It's what their people know how to do. They love that, too. Yeah, usually when there's tiny slaves, a couple of my cousins making iPhones, you get

them making fucking candy canes and everybody loves you every fucking December. Hey, man, I don't make the rules. The free market does. This is a weird time to bring this up, but is there a dirigible outside? I don't think there is. Looks like I haven't seen a fucking real life dirigible in my entire life. Tim, you've been the least helpful you've ever been. Surely you could maybe carry the conversation for the next eight seconds.

Is it landing on the roof? I think so. Go ahead. Oh, no. I was stalling before I helped you guys come up with your thing. Tim, you sound weird, but... I don't know any... Oh, God!

What the fuck is that? What's going on in here? I get no respect. We're gonna kill you. Oh, God! Fuck, dude. It's a heck comic homunculus. Dude, it's a three-headed flesh blob like Akira, but it's Rodney

Dangerfield, Bill Hicks, and Andrew Dice Clay. I don't know what Akira is, you ching-chong triangle liver. All right, that's fair, all things considered. Oh, shit. It's growing. There's nowhere to go. It's encompassing. I just wanted this to take Santa's job. Outro Music