Mean Boys - EP 212 - A Bad Time, For A Long Time (feat. Kyle Clark & Pat Barker)

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

Listen to Tom's new podcast Leaving The Tribe: http://soundcloud.com/user-754160303 Get a Mean Boys Ramones shirt: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. It's the beginning of the end, boys.

Dun, dun, dun. Dun. I feel like every one of these last intros should start with Crossroads by Bon Thugs-N-Harmony. Dude, you know what song I was thinking of that's really fucking relevant right now is Little Room by the White Stripes. I don't know that song. Dude, it's literally, it's like, Little Room. You might not know what to do.

I forget the words, but they're good. But it sounds like how we feel. Yeah, no, it's relevant. I want to play it on the show. I know that song. I got a little room. Bum, bum, bum, bum. No, it's not. I got a little room.

It's not very big, and it has four walls. Yeah. Anyway, so great episode today with Pat Barker and Kyle Clark, two of your favorite guests. We're getting a lot of the old favorites back. We just cut earlier tonight a new episode with Ramsey and Opie, some big news from the Ope Meister and Ram's Bad in the cut, and that one was phenomenal.

This one is phenomenal. It was great to see these guys. Yeah, we got two of our favorite fattest guests. Yeah. This was an episode really just for me. Hang out. Yeah. This was a treat for my lazy writing.

Oh, yeah. I saw your eyes light up, and you're like, well, I guess the old boy's got a little more gas in the tank. Yeah. This is a fun... It feels we're doing the interest intro because it's not like... Yeah. Actually, we do have a couple things we've got to talk about.

Yeah. I got voted the best Mean Boy. I wasn't going to spoil that, but yeah. Connor was voted the best Mean Boy. There's still a little bit more time. There's more time, and I think I'll lose. Regardless, number one, a lot of you guys are asking about the Patreon, what's going to happen asking about the Patreon what's going to happen

to that content what's going to happen to the main feed good news here's the overall plan yeah it's good news so the main feed will stay up

unfucked with the show will always exist for you to go back check out tell your friends we are really proud of what we fucking made and we want you guys

to be able to find it absolutely it's my life's work my life's work at least absolutely it's truly tragic to say out loud. No, man, it's a great honor.

I'm not kidding. It's a true honor to have created this body of work with you two gentlemen. Yeah, so the show's not going anywhere. It'll still exist. I don't know. It's a very large, gross body of work. Indeed. An undulating, dog-fuck-watching body of work.

A flabby, hairy, shitty body of work. A Pat Barker's body of work. A flabby, hairy, shitty body of work. A Pat Barker's body of work. As far as the Patreon, so here's what we're going to do. We are going to, next month when the show ends, we're going to convert the Mean Boys Patreon over to a Leaving the Tribe Patreon. Yeah.

Here is sort of our logic on that. We want the Mean Boys bonus content to still exist for people. There's a hundred something episodes. Yeah, there's hours upon hours. A lot of stuff in there. Yeah, there's a hundred hours, at least seven of it pretty good. And there's a bit shit in there.

And, you know, a lot of you guys, you know, have been giving to us forever. We really appreciate that. Tom is working really hard on Leaving the Tribe. He's kind of getting it going, kind of getting it on its legs, and it's doing very well right now. Yeah, leaving the tribe. For a new show, look, for a new show, this phase with Mean Boys, it's already ahead of the curve.

You're already beating OG Mean Boys. Yeah, I have a lot of hope for the show. I want to continue to build it. And what I'm going to do with the Patreon is I'm going to both. Because I also know that some of you don't care. It's serious. It's fucking heartfelt. And some of you are autistic monsters who don't want any sort of real feelings.

So it will be a Leaving the Tribe Patreon. But I will be bringing in guests to do a light comedy kind of thing as well for bonus episodes. So even if you don't, if Leaving the Tribe, you're like, it's very sad. And that's your take? Yeah. I will have content for you guys that is not just for Leaving the Tribe people. And if you like Leaving the Tribe. I like that he's pitching it like a drill sergeant.

I will have content for you people. Like comedy content with comedy guests. Some of you are not man enough to listen to people share their feelings of isolation. You will have the entire Mean Boys backlog at your disposal, sergeant. Yeah, but the Mean Boys backlog will be there. Leaving the tribe bonuses will be there. Fucking humor goofs with me and friends will be there. That's the new show. Humor goofs with me and friends. Yeah, so... I show humor goofs with me and friends yeah so

i mean this is friends it's a good title yeah so you know um and i will never ever ever touch anything we've done on the patreon in terms of mean boys so you guys can go ahead and listen to that you know i just as connor keith i have all of the nostalgia and fucking, you know, pride and, you know, pretend zero regrets for. No, I'm kidding. No, I genuinely. Embarrassment. Yeah. Yeah.

I genuinely love this show. So you guys. I started doing this shit when I was fucking like 21, 22. Yeah. You know, like 2015. I guess I would have been. Yeah. 22.

Yeah. Yeah. But and also like even if you don't ever want to listen to another thing that I ever do you want to give me five dollars anyway because my god I am scared I've been biking downtown

LA delivering Postmates and here's the thing the more time I have to do that the less time I can put to making cool podcasting shit yeah give Tom some money and let him fucking unleash his creative turn him into Brian Wilson. He's moving into the Hollywood Hills. We're going to get whatever we get

on the next Patreon payout. We're going to give all that to Tom. And then after that, once the last episode of Mean Boys drops, it'll become the Leaving the Tribe Patreon. Yep. Head over there. Drop a couple bucks a month if you want access to the Mean Boys stuff. And just do it because you love Tom. If you want to support him. More funny stuff from Tom. Yeah. Tom's going to make more funny stuff. And just do it because you love Tom if you want to support him. More funny stuff from Tom. Tom's going to make more funny stuff.

Tom's only going to get better without us constantly yelling at him. And my plan for that, Patreon, is first and foremost, I'm going to turn into the Leaving Tribe, but I'm also going to be testing out my new comedy podcast ideas and experimenting with different formats for the future

so it won't just be serious fucking life growth shit so so that's the uh that's the state of the union on that stuff but let's talk about something cool oh yeah because you know we're ending mean boys and we figured we couldn't not do one more line wait is this mr oh oh never mind no no no i said something cool that was the most presumptuous thing you've ever done in your life. It's connect cool to mystery. I heard cool and my ears started tingling. Someone say shut up.

October 26th, Halloween, Los Angeles, California, and here's the thing. Which venue could possibly hold such an event? We looked at a lot of venues. We looked at a lot of places and you can get bars, you can get little black box theaters. You can get a bunch of shit.

But this is the last fucking live Mean Boys potentially ever. And we figured what better place to have this show than right here at the Mackey Outhouse. Yeah, fuck some venue that still sells beer kombucha. We're doing this in the nitty gritty. I swear to God, we are going to clear out the entire front porch of our compound and we are doing a live Mean Boys right here at the house. I have seen some of you in the Discord talking about flying in for a show. If you wanted to do it. Look, if it's going to ruin your life to fly here, if you can't afford it.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Because it might only be 12 people and kind of sad and weird. But if you can fly and come check this out, that would be insane. Yeah, it would be insane. We're going to give you a ride to the airport. We'll tell you. We absolutely will.

Yeah, I'll buy a shitload of pizzas or whatever. Yeah, but we are going to fucking blow this thing out. Our goal is to see if we can get the cops called on the last day. Yeah, you might fly out here to watch us get arrested. You might hear two jokes about clits getting cut off, a bunch of sirens, and then you hang out with Short Bus Murphy by a taco truck. But yeah, so October 26th, live Halloween right here at the Pacquiao Palace. There will be a Facebook event probably in the show notes for this.

If not, we'll be tweeting it out. We'll be getting all that information. We've got to have an after party at Leo's Tacos. Oh, yeah. We're going to plan some dumb shit. I'm already planning the following. There will be free booze, and I may be investing in renting a manned ice cream cart so we actually have a mini Tom Goss cone zone.

Oh, yeah. Are you really? I'm looking into the process on it. That would be insane. I'm literally going to hire a guy. And we'll just write the cone zone on a sign. 100%. Yeah.

We're going to do some goofy-ass shit for this one. So come on out if you can. If you're in L.A., Orange County, San Diego, Fresno, anywhere where you can drive here, fucking drive here. Yeah. This is going to be retarded. And we're not charging anything. We don't want any fucking money from you guys. We just want to hang out.

Everybody, if you want to bring money, just fucking walk over and give it to Tom. Look, you'll get something out of it. We have so much merch. Yeah, straight up. We will just give away a bunch of merch. Oh, yeah. It's all gone. And you can buy a t-shirt if you want one.

They got those. Yeah. It's going to be nuts. It'll be a blowout. We'll have so many of your favorite fucking guests. Yeah, we'll have some guests. We have not begun to look into a sound system for this show. We're throwing our hat over the wall here, but this is not the 9-11 dunk spectacular.

This is real. It's on the calendar. If you live in Southern California and you have a PA and you know how to do these things and you can be helpful, hit us up. There's been talk of a documentarian. Oh, yeah. Which I honestly think would be good to make American Juggalo about the last Mean Boys show. Yeah, we're in the enviable spot where we have a little bit of money to spend on one really dumb thing. Dude, I've always wanted to star in the decline of Western civilization.

Yeah, this is the fucking last one where Penelope Spears is like, fuck punk rock, I'm getting a job. Also, just because we will have the address on the Facebook group, don't randomly show up at our house, please. Don't do that at all. Look, as somebody who's moving on Saturday, I don't give a shit if you show up. I'm kidding. Don't do that.

I'm going to try to move in, by the way, to Keith and Tom's apartment, so we'll be wacky signs. Yeah, I guess we haven't announced that yet. Me and Tom are moving out of the pack. Yeah, yeah. No, this is a... It's got nothing to do with your life, but we should say the continuity of the world. Yeah, it's true.

I don't know why I feel bad for not telling people that. Yeah. No, I do, too, but yeah. No, Wednesday will be my last night staying here. And by the time I get here, you guys will all be fucking asleep. But we'll be back and we can have one last hurrah here at the fucking... Yeah. You know what?

I might leave that mattress there because technically I got October too just so I could crash out of that mattress on the night of Halloween. That's not a bad idea. And honestly, if I don't do it, someone else will. Yeah, dude. Short Bus Murphy's going to be like, I'd shit in your sink. Genuinely. This is my bad.

Look, if you play your cards right and you come to this. The buffoon from the lagoon drank some stuff under the sink. If you come to this show and you play your cards right and you hang out and you're cool and we like you, there's a good chance you could fuck somebody in the Pacquiao Palace. Hey, this is Natalie from the Mean Boys. I'm the girl that got butt fucked in the somebody in the Pacquiao Palace. Hey, this is Natalie from the Mean Boys. I'm the girl that got butt fucked in the bathroom of the Pacquiao Palace. I just wanted to say I really love the Fudge Lord. Which is what he called me.

Yeah. What he called my asshole. Our doors don't have locks here. I don't know anyone's moving into the basement. I will escort you to the basement and fucking play the guitar while you guys pound it out. Yeah. I'll give you a tour of my room. But no rape.

No rape. If it's people that I know, I would let them fuck in my room. And you know, I've let a lot of people fuck in my room. And if it's people we don't know or trust, I'll let you fuck in Connor's room. If I let a lot of people, I mean Keith.

I gotta get a few more fat jokes out, kids. Yeah, got to milk them while you can. Oh, my God. I'm going to miss calling you fat so much, buddy. We work together every day. You have plenty of time to do it. Look, man, I always wanted to be you guys' best friend, and I always want to be in your life to call you fat

and to listen to your problems and share your stories and laugh together because I don't know that I've ever loved laughing with anybody as much as I've loved laughing with you guys. You ruined everything. All 215 episodes of work, you just threw it down the toilet with that fight. No, I'm kidding. You're doing another Nice Boys? Yeah, yeah, I love you, man.

That is very sweet, and I love you. I love you, dude. I know we'll have many more sentimental speeches on the podcast. Yeah, but for now. They just come out. I'll just get emotional in my day-to-day life. sentimental speeches on the podcast. Yeah, but for now... They just come out. I'll just get emotional in my day-to-day life. I'll be like, that's the stop sign where Tom shit his pants.

We keep getting sad like we're not gonna immediately just keep hanging out together. It's like high school, like when you go to summer vacations. Oh, I saw him at the grocery store. Yeah, yeah. Actually, I don't even like that guy. Dude, the amount of times I've just randomly gotten mad and punched something has been a lot lately.

Oh, bro. And it's out of love for you guys. They're love punches. No love punches at Halloween, though. The love punches will be at anyone who wants them. Consensual love punching. I'm going to love punching a cart box in the back. Dude, let's do a...

Let's do the first podcast of Mosh. Dude, we're going to have a wall Let's have the first podcast to mosh. Yeah. We're going to have a wall of death at the end of the fucking. I want people moshing to lightning round. Okay. Oh, man. I have an idea. We'll talk about it off air.

Okay. We absolutely got to do this. All right. Other than that, enough having it on. Fucking let's get into this episode, shall we? Yeah. Enjoy it, man. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because we're all a day closer to the sweet release of death. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And we're the Ulysses Grant and Robert E. Lee of the Chicken Sandwich Wars. Dearest Mark, it's been a fortnight since Popeye's discontinued. 38 Ways Brother versus 38 Ways Brothers.

I fear the rivers will run red with blood and aioli by the end of this war. I'm looking at Pat's thighs, and it's straight up cartoon turkey leg looking. Like starving in the desert. They're like plump. They're like really. You don't really see a guy fill out the jeans like that. You really are a full grown man with midget proportions, and I enjoy it. And that's coming from you.

I know. Yeah, even at my lightest, like when I lost 130 pounds, my thighs were still that of like a 400-pound man. I just have enormous fucking legs. You have like Latina backup dancer haunches. It's just some guy. The build of a later era fly girl. It's like Mr. Tumnus on the bottom. You know what I mean? You've got the legs of a nymphish goat man, and then the top is just Philly Dad.

If you had a normal top, I'd be like, that guy could leap over buildings in a single bounce. You would be part of some kind of Captain America super experiment where it's like, okay, we're going to replace all his ligaments with hippopotamus legs and make him into a super powerful hiking machine to fight the Russians. If there's anything I'm gonna miss about this show when it's gone, it's making our friends come over, wait 45 minutes

so that we can turn on the machine and Connor can shit on their thighs. It's really a blessing. To be fair, you made us wait 45 minutes after you delayed it by an hour. I had diarrhea in san diego cutter's diarrhea had the same effect as like two time zone changes it really did you shit your way to texas i like that i like that i do like drug addict like

already laying shit but just because i had to poop really bad it's like any other time would be like oh you're like for a second I was like, God damn it, he's hungover. I'm like, Connor doesn't drink. No, I didn't drink. I just, I ate, look, I don't want to say where I ate. You say it right now.

All right, I went to, I was down in San Diego for the weekend. I had a great time performing for Friday and Saturday and then I thought I'd stop by Don Carlos' taco shop and I don't know if it was, I can't imagine it was that.

I'm sure it was the food I ate somewhere else but I did wake up the next day throwing up a little bit and shitting everywhere so mr taco you shit your pants the taco monster that's what it was the podcast one more time the last season of a show like really early one you had to kill one beloved thing in like the first episode of the last season this is is Don Carlos turns out to be a villain in the first episode of the last season. Oh, yeah. He put one of Hank dying in Breaking Bad.

Exactly. This is the Hank death. No, I got it. You know anti-flag guys? Yeah. I don't want to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about it. That's a joke for no one. Although I do have to say, I feel like you've been on the verge of dying maybe 50 times

over 200 podcast episodes. Like, you're surrounded by four fat guys right now and you're by far the least healthy person. I was talking to Tim Dillon yesterday, or the idea lights out,

and he's like, you're like a skinny guy that's going to die young. Oh, for sure. Like, if you walked into this room, it looked like we were all just vacuuming his essence out

and getting plumped with young joy. Yeah. Oh, man. It's going to be fun at your funeral when it's just full of fat guys who said you had a dangerous lifestyle. Dude, every fat guy that outlives me is going to have an amazing time at my funeral. There's going to be an open omelet bar at your funeral. The fact that we chose to make it a Hawaiian shirt event.

Well, Hawaiian shirt for the pie-eating contest. Your funeral is just going to be things that would have bothered you while alive. Come on down to the Groovalicious Conner's Dad Luau. No shirts, no shoes, no pulse. All right, Nat Baymel will be leading the Floor is Made of Lava mini golf tournament. We have karaoke from 3 to 5. There's no fat chicks allowed. Damn it.

Damn, it's the beginning of the end, guys. I can't think of two better people to help bring us in than Kyle Clark and Pat Barker. So excited to be here. In the trap. Yeah. Man, how has Mean Boys changed your lives, guys? Probably a lot. Now I'm so excited to be here. In the trap. Yeah. Man, you guys, how has Mean Boys changed your lives? Guys, probably a lot. Now I'm vomiting.

A lot of people who have smoked meth also own my comedy record now. That's true. I met a guy that was at our show at Detroit, and he was like, yeah, that was a fucked up one, dude. He was in San Diego. I've been here since the start. This is the fourth uninhabitable room in this house that I've recorded in. You guys keep moving the studio to the least fucked up room. Oh, yeah.

And it's always still pretty bad. We're just going towards high ground like you're escaping a flood. We did basement. We did foyer. We did kitchen. And then we do my room. But it also split because I think, like, did you guys go back to the kitchen after the foyer? Maybe.

I don't remember. I think we did for a minute, yeah. and then we gave up because the heat killed us. Because I've done, like, yeah. We used to do it in the hat closet. I've only, like, I did one in the foyer, but I've done, like, three in the kitchen. The first place I lived in L.A. But the shirtless one, I feel like, was in between those somewhere along the line. Well, yeah, you did one of the best ones where it was me, you, Tom, and Rich Slayton all shirtless when it was on.

Shouting bear cum. Well, yeah, and it was 110 degrees, and we go outside, and we're all just shirtless and wet and annoyed and you just hear the little neighborhood children just go, fat! Fat dude! Gordo! Oh, fuck yeah, man. I love those guys. They're on my team about all this shit. It was crazy how those kids'

eyes fell backwards and Connor's voice came out of a small Mexican boy. Something out of Constantine. I could control them remotely. I would control them remotely. I would love to have a bunch of little children acolytes scattered throughout. Like an Oliver Twist situation? Yeah, and I could inhabit their bodies when I needed to to manipulate people for

my gains. Connor's saying he wants kids but doesn't want to talk to a woman. No, I just I want to control them with black magic. I'm saying I want to use the power of the devil to be inside a child Why are you making that weird? Yeah, dude, fucking regular stuff

Stop kink-shaming me We're almost done with this podcast Oh, man I'm not going to be able to take So it's been weird knowing the show's ending I got in this very sad headspace Tom, I think you broke that this morning i was sitting outside i'm smoking a cigarette i'm like man we're recording the last batch of episodes it's just like such a big part of my life going away and tom one eye open because he hasn't had coffee yet walks out and the first

thing he says to me he goes you think whales used to be birds? And I go, what? And he goes, nah, because they both got this going on. Flipper arms. And he goes, I gotta drink seven more cups of coffee. You gotta be related. I mean, they're both, they're flapping. First words this man spoke to me. Do you think people that play bingo

used to be dinosaurs? Well, uh, maybe. So how are you guys holding up? Yeah. You good? We're doing good, yeah. Everything's been all right.

Yeah, no. You threw a bomb on Twitter. Just watched a lot of people have their world shattered. I watched nine people realize they needed a new hobbit. I don't know how many people just read that tweet and just went,

oh, where, oh, where can my baby be? David Spade took him away from me. Yeah, man, it's interesting. My favorite is going on the Discord and there's all these fans talking about it. And then every fifth message is just Alexis trying to plug her podcast. God bless you, Alexis. Shrewd marketing.

And as a show that blatantly ripped Me and boys off They're also ripping off Our marketing strategy And I appreciate it And support it 100% Yeah I'll throw up A plug right now Violet Wanderers

Just go listen to their show Yeah Start with any of our episodes What? I haven't done it yet Oh Just me? Never listen to it

I didn't say I was Going to listen to it I said they should Yeah you know You guys listen to Whatever you want Yeah whatever Do it you know Look we'll all talk I didn't say I was going to listen to it. I said they should. Yeah, you guys listen to whatever you want. You boo. Yeah, whatever.

Do it. Look, we'll all talk in the microphones gathered again. It's not going to be, you know, nobody's dying or anything. We're not going anywhere. It does make Tom's album recording seem that much more of a thing that if you missed out on, you got to be sad. Yeah. I do want to do the last show at the house on the roof like the Beatles. I want to do it Abbey Road style. Yeah, well,

we're going to announce that in the intro of this, so I guess we can say that we're doing the last Live Mean Boys at the house. We're doing it at the fucking packing up. Yeah, guys.

It's a pack. Because here's the thing, as somebody who's moving out of this house, I don't care if you people know where I live anymore. Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at, too.

Yeah, you're all going to become Isaac Hersh's problem. Feel free to roam around, take pictures. I do. Man, if we all going to become Isaac Hersh's problem. Feel free to roam around, take pictures. Man, if we all get into a car accident or something, I like the idea

that just whoever lives here, there's just people like weird incels come by with candles and turn it into like a drunk driving memorial. They're like,

man, did all three of these guys get hit by the same car? Dude, yeah. Looked how much getting a parody of Candle in the Wind written for your show

would be. It would be zero. We could just write it. Oh, I guess so. Yeah. In my mind, you needed an Elton John impersonator for it.

We need actual Elton John. Whoa, whoa. I'll impersonate Elton John. How dare you? It would sound something like this. Goodbye, Elbrick Road. Was he here?

Sorry, that was Tom. Jeepers, creepers. The Rocket Man approaches. Wait, so when did Elton John get here? Yeah. That was so... Wow. Dude, it's crazy how close it is. Oh, Tom, you was Tom. Jeepers, creepers. The Rocket Man approaches. Wait, so when did Elton John get here? Yeah. Wow. Dude, it's crazy how close it is. Oh, Tom, you're back.

You missed Elton John. I know, man. I always miss him. Elton Nice John. I don't know. Oh, God, it's Nice Voice again. We got to get the fuck out of here. Oh, yeah.

Should we get into it? Let's do it. Yeah, we should. It's time for the Mexican Joker! Joker! Aye, everybody died. Did not stick the landing on that. Whoa, El John came back for a second. That's our new announcer, Juan Pardo.

Musical guest, Maracas. That was a little too tropical for me. A little too tropical. All right, I'll kick it off this week. Patriot star Antonio Brown quit the NFL to go back to college amid rape accusations. He's expected to graduate magna cum non-consensually. All right, guys. Vape company Juul is going to stop advertising on television.

When asked why, the CEO said, hey, man, kids aren't watching TV anymore. I got a showdown with Keith. Antonio Brown got in trouble for sexual assault. He defended himself saying, I guess Ben Roethlisberger is the only guy who won't get in trouble for forcing a pass. That's good. You guys aren't sports guys, but that's a really good one. I'm a sports guy.

I understand enough to know that's a football term and Ben also rapes. I know those two things. Keith is dressed like Ben Roethlisberger at a wedding right now. You're in as good a shape as Ben Roethlisberger. You're dressed like Ben Roethlisberger the night he did it. Nah, it's cool.

I throw the thing far. Stop running. It's always funny when there's a guy that wears the same size clothes as a fat guy, but it's just they're full of muscles instead of bad choices. As a fat guy, you can be aspirational. I'm like, oh, we wear the same size shirt. We're both doing okay. Yeah, yeah. And for the same reason. I wear the same size clothes

as The Rock, if you really break it down. Oh, yeah. After snitching on numerous gang members, Tekashi69 announced he will be rejecting witness protection. I haven't seen something slowly march towards its own obvious death since I listened to the last six months of the Mean Boys podcast. Bracing for about a month of that.

I asked before we recorded, are we going to do the 45-minute intro where Connor loses interest four minutes into it? I've never heard someone be disinterested before. It's very impressive. In the show or the intro to the show? Because instead of launching into the Mexican joke-off for the last few months, you guys have been doing the super long and Connor will ask two questions and then he just checks out and Keith has to carry

everything. It's a lot of fun to listen to. Is this the Podmask review? I'm carrying it like the waiter in a Jerry Lewis movie who's about to drop those pies. I know, guys. Look, it's hard to podcast when you want to die.

Is one of the things. That makes it hard. We're listening to Connor say this as he looks at none of us in particular. Connor looks at the middle distance of his room. He's gazing at a loaded shotgun I never noticed hanging on the wall before. I'm looking at a lot of clothes I bought that didn't make me happy.

There's just a post-it note on the wall that says, soon, dot, dot, dot. That's obvious. Yeah. And the vintage Yu-Gi-Oh tee I scored in San Diego. Which is pretty tight. I'll probably wear that for the last. It's either that or my vintage Carnock shirt. I don't know what I'm going to wear.

Vintage Carnock. OG Carnock. Oh, yeah. I mean, I got it. Vintage from three years ago. That's vintage, bro. 2016 was a good year in Carnocks. It's a vintage Teespring original.

It was. Yeah, it was a collab, dude. A Texas man is wanted for allegedly filing and completing a divorce without informing his wife. The man said about his move of malicious passive aggressiveness, it just felt good to pull a Connor. What did he do? I was reading my joke. He divorced his wife completely without ever informing her.

Oh, yeah, I'll do stuff like that. Turns out it's kind of illegal. That's so fucking cool. What? Man, this guy is taking all my moves. A new report says that ISIS is rallying and may return to power. Experts say they could be at full strength just in time for the Mean Boys. They canceled lights out and we wasted all our money reunion tours.

Dude, I make this promise to you. If ISIS returns, we'll get the band back together. We're the Batman of ISIS comedy. It's literally like that was it That was more powerful For our material spring Than anything They gave us so much

I don't think I've done any of my Garfield material on the show yet No Garfield it up I gotta tell you guys the good news There's a new animated Garfield series in the works It's coming out soon Now this will replace Garfield's current gig, Keeping Homeless People Warm. It's going to be a transition for him career-wise.

When this story came out, we were at work and we have a big running doc for everybody of monologue jokes. Two and a half pages of Garfield jokes. It looked like a glitch in the Matrix because all of a sudden it was just Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield. Like, oh god, the cat is coming from inside the house. You just all at once copy and pasted 50 Garfield jokes into the doc Garfield. Like, oh, God, the cat is coming from inside the house.

You just all at once copy and pasted 50 Garfield jokes into the doc. And then I hear my boss going, what the fuck does lasagna believe it mean? You better believe it. Fuck face, what the hell do you think it means? Tommy Robbins. All right. Scientists have discovered three black holes that are going to collide. No news yet on how scientists heard that the Mean Boys podcast was planning on pushing their butts together.

I knew it was going to be an us joke. I just thought there would be something more to it. Something more clever? Hell no. Fuck it. I can be as dumb as I fucking want on this last stretch. That's right. We've always been pushing you to be intelligent.

Can you guys cue Time Your Life from Green Day to play after everyone? Your failed Jokoff jokes towards the end here. Oh, yeah. Wait till I play you, and I'm not kidding, the Enya montage. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay tuned for the last episode, everybody. Dude, wait, Tom. What did you just say?

Oh, dude, how hard would it be? Think about us trying to touch all of our buttholes at the same time. If we had to do that to break a gypsy's curse, it would be impossible. We all have small butts. We have big other things. We could maybe touch two of them. How do you get the third guy in there? From below.

To get all three. Oh, hang on. What? Twister style. Okay, so me and you go back-to-back skis. And then Tom, yoga style, from his back, leans up and pushes his asshole upward. Okay. So he's coming flat against Stark.

Imagine an upside-down Triforce of Power from Zelda. So the shortest, densest man gets on top and does a backbend to complete the ass. That's part of the ceremony. Why wouldn't I do it? Because you said you didn't want to. Because you're going to be a fucking bitch about it. Tom's going to get it done. We're just cutting to the chase.

We're saving ourselves 25 minutes. You're gonna be like, it smells weird. I wanna vape first. Tom's gonna be like, yeah, okay, let's do the butt magic or whatever. No offense, but I am definitely more limber than you guys. Yeah, I'm not fighting you on that. You are emotionally the least limber person I've ever met. This is why we're not touching.

I've been hurting myself to keep the podcast going forever. Why not continue doing that now? I like how at the end, Tom threatened to turn up the dumb level. He Why not continue doing that now? I like how at the end, Tom threatened to turn up the dumb level. He's like, now that it's ending, I can be dumb. Oh no, we might accidentally sell a bunch more merch.

Mattel has introduced a revolutionary new doll that can be a boy, a girl, neither or both setting a new standard for toys. Hear that, G.I. Joe? If the G.I. doesn't stand for gender inconclusive, then get the fuck out of my face. Real American hero, my ass. It's something unpredictable.

I did think that was funny. It's a new toy that could be a boy or a girl or both. And it's like, yeah, it's called having a fucking imagination. When I was a kid, I could only afford one toy. It's a trans-former. Oh, that was a much better version.

Chinese leader Xi Jinping has pulled all copies of the Ten Commandments in China and replaced them with newly rewritten versions that better reflect the ideals of the communist

country. New additions include the party must always be obeyed and respected, the government is the highest authority, and leader Xi Jinping has got that bomb-ass dick.

I'm obviously impressed you got Zhu Zhu Ping right. I've been listening to some political radio. Zhu Jinping. Yeah, Kyle's been listening to The Daily. He's very smart. If by that you mean Abe Lincoln's top hat, then sure. What's Abe Lincoln's top hat? You listen to two dummies who are friends with other dummies.

Yeah. I only listen to media made by other dummies I'm friends with friends of. Fair enough. It's my only media formats anymore. Yeah, this is about, there's a low ceiling in your life. Yeah. It's like the things you consume

are made by people that answer your DMs. Yeah, there's only about seven TV shows I'm cleared to watch. Beijing opened a starfish-shaped airport. Good for them.

Usually in Asia, if there's an open starfish, they have to pixelate it. San Francisco's doing a chocolate starfish shaped airport. Alright, guys. They're making a documentary about Lizzo and her Postmates driver. And I gotta say, I'm ready to watch that 300 for 30.

I think it's going to be good. Well done. Casey Anthony. You done. Casey Anthony. You guys know Casey Anthony. We're aware. Yeah, it feels like her biological clock is ticking and she wants a kid. The public is really upset because the last time she had a kid she used it as an ingredient in her cold stew

recipe. What did she do? She drowned it, right? Yeah. Allegedly. I thought she smothered it with chloroform. I think she did a bunch of stuff. Chloroforming a baby is such a waste of chloroform. Guys, she did a bunch of stuff. Chloroforming a baby? Guys, she made a lot of stews. It's so easy to kill a baby. Because she famously Googled, how do I kill a baby with chloroform?

That is not a joke. That's a thing that came up in the trial. Wait, she Googled that? Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. And she still got off. And now she lives in the same town as Zimmerman and OJ Simpson. Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, I have a friend who keeps thinking about trying to write a pilot about it. Holy shit, that we got away with it, Junction or whatever? Who was the lawyer? White Johnny Cochran? Like, how do you do that? That's fucking crazy they all live right by each other. That makes sense that she thinks her biological clock is ticking, though those ladies in those family do die young. They do.

I do think chloroform is overkill for a bit. Well, yeah, you kill the baby with your hand, and then you do the chloroform to celebrate not having a baby. You can kill a baby with a Lego. Like, save the chloroform for, you know, when you're partying with the son of modern Keith Ray. You can kill a baby by just closing the door and giving it a day. Yeah.

Pat, what's your favorite way to kill a baby? You know, I'm workshopping a bunch of stuff. Let me get back to you. So, Pat, I heard you're a father. A Best Buy employee bludgeoned a 75-year-old woman and set her on fire during a washer and dryer installation. In a statement,

Best Buy said, quote, tell you what, we're gonna go ahead and waive that installation fee, extended warranty on the house. Jesus Christ. At Disneyland Paris, a man on a bad LSD trip fell into the Adventureland lake and was recovered hours later naked saying, I still had a better time here than a Disney's California Adventure.

An 11-year-old boy drove 200 miles to meet a pedophile he met on Snapchat. Snapchat. Snap 200 miles. Jeez, kid. Thirsty much? Right? That was just when I read that, I was like, that pedophile is a Mac. Certified Mac Mac Getting the kit

Like an Odette To drive 200 miles Yeah You know what Like I fucking Like I would You'd have to pick me up I wouldn't have that

Kind of tenacity If you're trying to get diddled And you gotta like Cross state line You're a real butter toddler Like I know Are we like getting molested

On the Oregon Trail? So fucking hard. You have died of diddling. Bury your hog and press on. Yeah. Okay, guys. A weird one. San Francisco residents are putting boulders on the street to stop homeless people from sleeping on them.

It's a great plan until the homeless get the mountain badge and find the TM for Rocksmith. Yeah. Good God. Remember the sports thing? This is yours. Okay, good. Yeah. Good God. Remember the sports thing? This is yours. Okay, good. Yeah. It's a Pokemon joke.

That's used at home as people are Pokemon. Afghanistan, the country, not the blanket, had low election... Fuck you. They had low election

turnout rates due to Taliban attacks. The public has been crying out, hey, Mr. Taliban, tally me some bodies. We hear from U.S. democracies. Dope.

One dead, two dead, six dead, bunch. Come in. Those dead guys cannot vote. Tom, is there more to that, though? I mean, I cut like most of the song. Go bring it back, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, as I like most of the song. Go bring it back, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say,

as I've already told Keith, I'm going to railroad two long jokes in at the end of this. Oh, yeah, I'm excited for your essay. My dissertation on comedy. Federal health officials say that vaping is the cause of a mysterious illness that's been spreading

across several states. In other news, how are you holding up over there, Connor? Well, guys, I'm trying to find the bootleg pods full of hydrogen cyanide so I can finally just get out of here. I was reading that story as you texted me, like, Connor is just randomly dying. I know. I fucking, well, they traced the new vape mystery illness to these bootleg weed pods. Yeah. And I'm like, every person at the comedy store is going to die. All it is is just people giving each other weed they got for free from somebody they don't know that well.

But as somebody with a job who's willing to buy legal nicotine and weed pods, I think that's great because I'll just move in on top of their dead bodies. I know. That's what I'm saying. This is natural selection. This seems like a plan put in place by somebody who's trying to go up a couple rungs. Somebody who desperately wants their name on the wall. Like, what if I just murder every paid regular? Yeah, this guy's doing the math.

He's like, man, there's got to be 30 people in line ahead of me. You guys want to smoke a raspberry? What if I make anthrax for MMA guys? You know, then How am I looking? In South Korea, trash has been added to a beach prior to a beach cleanup day to compensate for the beach already being pretty clean. Imported trash includes

styrofoam cups, cans, and unsold Mean Boys Patreon gifts. I think that's it, guys. No, I got more. Oh, we got more? No, I got some stuff. 60 we got more? I think we have one more round. Sorry, Chuck. No, I got some stuff. 60 Minutes beat the Emmys in the ratings last Sunday, but they both got demolished

by the channel at the hotel that tells you how late the lobby bar is open. Who could possibly give a fuck about the Emmys at this point? TV is such a weird thing. It's one of these things where it's like, imagine pitching TV to its target demographic. You know, like if it was a new these things where it's like, imagine pitching TV to like its target demographic.

You know, like if it was a new idea. Like, okay, you have a job and a wife and some kids. And it's like, all right, you come home. And we've got this show called America's Funniest Home Videos. And that will get you to about 9 o'clock. And then Dancing with the Stars will get you about 10.30. And you'll be kind of sleepy. And then we've got this guy named Jimmy Fallon.

And he comes on. And about two-thirds of the way through him, you'll be able to pass out and we got this guy named Jimmy Fallon and he comes on and about two thirds of the way through him you'll be able to pass out and throw your life away all again in the morning. It's just like alright it's a thing

we've created to fill time to like keep us working. To be fair we put on a fun puppet show so that you'll watch mini TV shows but we call it commercials to get you to buy shit

in between. I know. Somebody smiles at you politely and then we remind you that Tide exists. Are you explaining how schedules work right now? No, we're reminding everyone, you're late night with David Spade

or whatever it's called. Oh man, Tom found something amazing actually from the first time you were ever on. Oh yeah, I tanked some fucking some joke about Jamie Lee Curtis or something and then caught her in an attempt to be dismissive. And going to the shittiest thing he could say to insult me goes,

man, it's too bad the showbiz show with David Spade was canceled. I lost my mind when I heard it. Holy shit. I canceled my Postmates delivery to celebrate these two ding-dongs getting a job. You're just trying to do donuts in a parking lot. At least I didn't do it in an Asian voice. God.

I just am sad that the Reddit couldn't organically find that and go, they predicted the end of the show in the first couple episodes. It's like when the thing goes out of like The Simpsons'

new Trump was coming. All right. Tom. Yeah. Oh, wait. No, I didn't go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, guys. An Englishman was accused. No, I didn't go. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All right, guys. An Englishman was accused of shoplifting, but the bulge in his pants turned out to be his very large penis. Saw this article. Yeah. For more on this story, read the newspaper article framed on his wall. That guy. I mean, he's got to be like, oh, yeah, that arrest charge. I'm more than happy to explain that at the job interview.

Take me in front of the judge because I can't wait to say guilty. Assault with a headly weapon, you're on. You're gonna want to high five me just before we get started because... Did you guys see the one real quick about the prison guard who got busted because he forced a bunch of female inmates to blow him and they all identified his

giant stinky penis. Oh, really? They all went to court and they're like, it's enormous and it smells fucking terrible. One woman even said, she's like, if it didn't stink so bad, I'd have been fucking all over that shit.

Wow, man. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please smell the penis in front of you and see if it matches the description.

I mean, imagine just having a stinky cock, you know, that just is naturally, like a vagina, I guess. If it smells like shit, you can't acquit. I'm going to play a couple of bars from Smell Yo Dick just to put us all in the right headspace.

Well, the poor guy is like, it's not my fault it smells bad. The first three girls had bad breath. Like, that's kind of on them. Oh, Meg wanted a fucking tuna salad sandwich. Now you see how that's my fault. Jesus Christ. Gross. Feminists feel pandered to playing the new Miss Monopoly game.

Hasbro, in response, released the original version of the game where all the chance cards have a woman on her period who forgot her tampons. That's pretty solid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's getting around so much I call it tits to community chest. Oh. Hey. Oh. The jail's the kitchen.

I like the It's all sometimes you miss the riff. The village bicycle. Everybody's had a ride. A Florida woman bit the testicles of a camel at a Louisiana truck stop petting zoo. She was charged with criminal trespassing and completing the dopest fucking mad lib

of all time. I love that. Imagine having to do such Florida shit you had to leave Florida to do it. The hand signal for OK has now been added to the label for the list of hate symbols. Also recently added to the hate symbol database, the shocker

being able to fit your whole fist in your mouth in that thing where you put your two fingers in front of your face that says you eat pussy. That is a pretty aggressive one. You know? You know, whenever I do that, I think about the Nickelodeon bumper. Ugly, ugly.

It's kind of the same energy. It does have that energy. Sound wise. I wrote, like, two way too long jokes, and since this is the last time this is a thing I that energy. Sound wise. I wrote like two way too long jokes and since this is the last time this is a thing I can do. Absolutely not.

It's you know when you're like developing this skill. Close your laptop. Shut it. We're going to break. Now what you guys hear is how unhappy

Connor is. You shut up. I'm testing one too. This is my audible audition. There's going to be an entire Patreon episode. It's just Kyle reading

two jokes. Thousands previously on this joke. Worth of bull semen were destroyed in a fire at a cattle breeding facility in Australia. I think we can all agree at this table that this is truly a delicious tragedy. Reports from the team that entered to clean

up the cryogenically frozen exploded containers of semen splattered all over the walls. The first guy said, it looks like a room full of fedoras being told they renewed Rick and Morty. Oh! The second man with glasses said, no, it looks like a HuffPlo dog just told about impeachment.

Oh! And the third one said, you're both wrong. It looks like a create-up crew at an anime convention. Oh! Finally volunteer fire marshal Mark Malloy insists the crew

get back to work because that hot animal spackle isn't going to scrape itself. We can cut that in post. Yeah, I know. The best part was how you wrote a four-minute joke, and you're like, I'm going to deliver it in three and a half. It's called Opening for Keith with an audience of his people.

You delivered that joke like somebody was getting the rapid-up music at the Oscars. Okay, I want to thank Harvey Weinstein, the three guys in the joke, the Bulls. Really excited for the Joker movie. That felt like my grandma was telling me a story I've heard before. Harvey Weinstein, the three guys in the joke, the bulls. Really excited for the Joker movie. That felt like my grandma was telling me a story I've heard before. I was just like, oh my God. And the final one. Oh, fuck me.

A church group in England is petitioning to require all knives in the UK to have blunted edges to prevent domestic stabbings. The new dull, pointless knives will be called Saturday Night Knive. And then I realized. Oh no. That makes it sound like I have an opinion about SNL. And don't just think it's dull and pointless. Then I realized you could just add anything to that. Like the Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 4. The collective works of Kyle Clark.

Keith Carey's Partylicious. It Part 2. Westworld. Stand-up comedy as a whole. The Comedy Central Rose. Modern political discourse. Listening to Connor talk about shoes. Podcasts about becoming an atheist. Any conversation about an 80 80s filmer property relitigating the 2016 election the music of greta van fleet the music of the black keys literally

any music kyle x conversations about the current state of the daily show the concept of talk shows in 2019 ending a popular cult podcast or continuing a less popular pop culture podcast. Now I know why my album won't be edited until November. Not now, Tom. I'm here for a bad time and a long time. Kyle's got to finish juicing all the laughs. Every single one. No, Tom killed so hard, he was literally paranoid that it was going to sound like he faked the laugh. Which, by the way, this guy,

you're like a truffle-sniffing pig for bad news. You find it wherever you go. We're like, dude, great news, man. We're in Blowjob in Free Candy City. And he's like, yeah, my hands are sticky. I bet they're always going to be neck away for something. Always something with this guy.

All right. Well, now that Kyle's done doing his little speech. But now I can start the real ones, right? Those were like the warm-up. Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Ah! AIDS All I really want is AIDS Not HIV, I got the AIDS

I may or may not die of AIDS I like the way that they feel It makes my skin start to peel From all the lesions that I have from my tiptoes to my back. Back in the day, there was no AIDS in my way and I'd have all my pipe delay I had all the butt play I asked him bareback he said you may my butt was too tight that's okay the sex was so quick with that DJ creeped out the remains into the bay then I said, hey, hey, me and you should not have AIDS. Was offered PrEP but said no way. I think that PrEP is really gay.

So I shared a needle with no delay. Black tar's never far away. It may be raw, Doug, or it may. Been those needles that gave me AIDS Me and my D got some real bad AIDS AIDS in my bloodstream, AIDS I got in my room, AIDS It make me tired, AIDS

I'm gonna die soon, AIDS All I really have is AIDS AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS is AIDS. AIDS. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. Yeah! Oh, boy, guys. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Himalaya. Right. We have a limited time left with Himalaya, but... Mr. Ear here.

So sorry to hear about the end of the Mean Boys show. You know what I was, too, until we started recording this commercial, and now I wish this was the last one This actually makes it sweeter in a way But then I remembered I'm really quitting this I remembered You found a way to torture me that is nice to me

You guys it's time to hear with your ears A list of Mr. Ear Here to tell the kids about his stuff to hear That's delicious fucking brand newbie energy You got it Sometimes you gotta rhyme for the kids To get their attention You have to hear. That's delicious fucking brand newbie energy. You got it. Sometimes you got to rhyme for the kids to get their attention. I'm like one of those cool don't do drugs kids.

When you go to your friend's house and they got nothing good to eat. And then you're walking yourself right back down that old dusty, dirty street. Yeah, give us like an old school 90s rap about Himalaya. Well, it's a podcast app that you listen to with your ears no fears no tears just ears mr ears here to tell you about playlists playlists subscriptions comments Subscriptions, comments, likes, subscribe. You can also put things in the tip jar. And that's most of the rap. Mr. Ear out. But I told you, listen to the people. And the people will tell you what you need to know.

They always end with a quote from a speech. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was a fucking pretty good from a speech. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a fucking pretty good jam we just laid down. Yeah. That was. Wow. Welcome to Beatcast.

That didn't make you fucking idiots want to listen to him. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Get it on the podcast app. You know what it is. Or, you know. Mean Boys will be there forever. Quong.

Guys, welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. Get ready for the final installment. For Tom Tomperdy, everybody. Yeah. Are you guys ready for your categories? What are our categories? This is, we should explain for the new listeners. What's funny is I've gotten a couple emails from people who clearly aren't all the way caught up.

Who are like, hey, just started the show. I think you guys are great. When are you coming to Portland? And the next day they're just like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Alright. So basically what it is is I'm, you know, we have a game called Lightning Round where they pitch out a thing and I gotta quickly explain it. So this is a reverse

engineered version in the form of Jeopardy. So here are your guys' categories. If you need more explanation than that, fucking listen to other shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your categories are Ugly People, Modern Mythical Creatures, uh,

what it, oh, Animals That Go, and Death. Does it say Party Animals That Go? No, just Animals That Go. I'm pretty sure. The word Party does appear above the word animal. By the way, all the ugly people are in the entertainment industry. Okay.

And we should point out, as is tradition, you buzz in by yelling bear count. I can't wait for one of the ugly people to be like Garfield or something. He's entertaining. Tom is the ultimate referee here. Yeah. Everybody keep scoring your own points. One of the guests, Kyle, you've played before. Pat, you've never played before.

I've never played, and I'm so fucking excited for this. You're going first. And I might not get any right, so let's start with Animals That Go for 100. Animals That Go for 100. Supercat. Bearcum. Cheetah. Correct.

Keep track of your own points, boys. Connor controls the board. All right. Modern Mythical Creatures for 100. Okay. Keep track of your own points, boys. Connor controls the board. All right. Modern mythical creatures for 100. Okay. The hamburger butt plug. The hamburger butt plug? Yes.

Bear cum? Sasquatch? No. I genuinely don't. I don't know what modern mythological creatures means. I think we give. No, never mind. All right. What is this? You guys want to throw out modern mythological creatures mean. I think we give... No, never mind. All right, what is this one? You guys want to throw out a guess?

I mean... Bearcum. What's the half man, half cow? No, it's a horse. Never mind. Jared from Subway? No. An octopus?

No, it was the Grimace. That's not a mythological creature. It is true. It's an advertising character and a god. It's the one true god. Modern mythological creatures for $200. Okay. Now that we know it could be the...

Now that we have a vague idea. All we know about this category is this one's probably not Grimace. Bearcum the Noid. All right. Modern mythological See, talking's hard Yeah The MMC category for 200

Hype Pigeon Hype Pigeon Oh, Bearcum Big Bird Correct Again, these are not mythological creatures These are characters I think he means fictional characters

You don't know if they're real or fake No, I know for sure they're fake No, they're real I've seen it The Grimace is not real, you fucking moron Yeah he's well he's real he's just like you know in a warehouse in studio city right now i mean he's real in a way that like love is real like i believe he exists but not tangibly how many how many officially sanctioned grimace costumes you think there are in the u.s watching the game keith is playing where he keeps lightly talking about a religion based on the

grimace and then the second time he spoke, he was like, I don't have to know he exists to believe in him. He was just slowly revealing to us that he prays to the Grimace. Everybody who's listened to one minute of this show knows that I worship the Grimace. Yeah, you're a big fan. He's shaped like me. He likes milkshakes as much as I do.

He lives on an island with other fat people who all kind of look like him and they're having a great time. Keith's starting the Jeffrey Epstein fat island where you don't fuck kids, you just eat cheesecake. And you watch scary movies. To be fair, that also sounds great. As soon as you walk in, there's four troughs with every kind of M&M. Why are you so derisive of this magic island? Pretzel.

I guess you stopped believing in Never Never Land. I guess you guys need some clarification for the mythical modern creatures, okay? Yes, that's the problem. The current ones could be anything that could be real or fake, like Big Bird or the Grimace or the Count. You don't know what it is. Anything that could be. Sorry, so the next answer is the Count. It's the answer to 300.

Could be or not be a real thing or person. The more you explain, the less sense you make. Unlike past mythological creatures like Pegasus and Jesus. So let's go ahead and Keith controls the board. You're going to film the ramp to that sick Jesus burn. I meant to say pegging sissy Jesus. Oh, that guy from Queer Eye? Don't eyebrow that.

I hear what you said. Let's go, guys. I'll go MMC for 300. MMC for 300. Oh, that guy from Queer Zone? Eyebrow fast. I hear what you said. Let's go, guys. I'll go MMC for 300. MMC for 300. The Hot Salamander. Oh, Bear Cum. Geico Gecko.

No. Fuck. Bear Cum. Loch Ness Monster. No. Oh, shit. That would be a Cold Salamander. Oh, I think Mad Hot is in terms of the appearance. You're attracted to the Loch Ness Monster.

I mean, more than the Geico Gecko. Wait. You ranked those two. I'd rather fuck the Loch Ness Monster than the Geico Gecko. The Loch Ness Monster is like big and strong

and like... Yeah, that's like... Okay. That's like fucking The Rock or something. First Pat Barker wants to bottom for the Loch Ness Monster.

I didn't say bottom. I didn't say bottom. He's very big and I don't think you have a lot of options, Frank. You lack imagination. I don't think you get to pick.

You could even, if you wanted the fucking 800 year old lizard, Keith's mom is only like four hours away, dude, by bus. You could even tickle the lock on this monster's butt with your dick, alright? That is a I'm with Tom on this one. Pat was just accused of shoplifting. That guy with the big dick from minutes ago

that we talked about? I give up on this one. I don't know. The hot salamander. Hot salamander. I mean a lizard person. Oh, shit. Bear cum.

Charmander. Points. Damn it. Keith controls the board. All right. I have 600, I think. No, you got 500, I think. Yeah.

No, you have 600. You have 500. 200. 200. 200. Okay. Let's go animals that go for 200. Animals that go for 200.

Jump possum. Bear cum. Kangaroo. No. What? Oh, because it's a real animal. Bear cum. Flying squirrel.

No. Oh. This is real animals. Yeah, this is animals that go. Oh, it's animals that go. Jump possum. Jesus Christ. Oh, oh, oh. Go. Jump Possum. Jesus Christ. Oh, oh, oh, Bear Cum.

A Bunny Rabbit. Correct! How much was that? It's 200. This game's way harder when the pressure's on. I told you, man. It's a tough one. Yeah, let's make sure we all sacrifice momentum for scorekeeping.

That's what the people want to hear. Quiet math. It's a very important last game. Yeah. It's for all the Marvels. All right, Kyle controls the board. All right, what is it? to hear. Quiet math. It's a very important last game. Yeah. It's for all the Marvels. All right. Kyle controls the board. All right.

Death for 100, please. Death for 100. The big refund. Bearcum. Bearcum. Reincarnation. No. Oh, shit.

Bearcum. The Rapture? No. The great refund? I was going to say Reincarnation. The big refund. So you get your money back. Although Reincarnation may make more sense.

Oh, bear cum. An inheritance? No. How? I don't know. I got no fucking idea. I've listed all my ideas. Great refund.

Oh, bear cum. Seeing your life flash before your eyes? No. Fat? I got nothing. I don't know. It was death. You're returning it.

What? It was suicide. Sorry, suicide. Suicide. I was going to say the category It was suicide. Sorry, suicide. Suicide. I was going to say the category is death and the answer is death. Suicide. All right. Keith still controls the board.

They give it back at the lowest selling price like they did at Ross. It's usually way under. Death for two. Death for 200. Butt soup. Bear cum. Diarrhea. Bear cum.

Shitting yourself when you die. I'll give you that. It was Ebola. That's pretty much what happens. Having diarrhea when you die. Yeah, I'll give you thehea. Bear cum. Shitting yourself when you die. I'll give you that. It was Ebola. That's pretty much what happened. Having diarrhea when you die. Yeah, I'll give you the points. All right. I'll take it.

Man, you're really outside the box on this one. Let's go death for three. And you got a pretty tentative relationship with the box. That's a good one. Number three, the leaky balloon. Oh, shit. Bear cum. Being stabbed to death.

Bear cum. I'll give that. It was bleeding to death. That balloon. Oh, shit. Bearcum being stabbed to death. Bearcum. I'll give that. It was bleeding to death. That counts. Yeah, points. These are so specific. This is tough. Kyle controls the board.

Let's just go Death 400. Death 400, the cartoon goodbye. Bearcum falling off the edge of a cliff. No, but right ballpark. Bearcum having an anvil fall on your head. No. No, but right ballpark. Bearcum, having an anvil fall on your head. No, but still the right ballpark. Bearcum, getting run over by a steamroller and then you're flat now.

Colder. Bearcum, having a piano dropped on you. Points! Is that really it? I was not allowed to buzz in twice. Whoops. All right. Holy shit.

Death five. Death for 500. The right. Holy shit. Death five. Death for 500. The body potluck. Bear cum. Bear cum. Autopsy. No. Bear cum.

Being an organ donor. No. Bear cum. Yeah, fair enough. Bear cum. Being dismembered. Nope. I don't know.

Oh, fuck. Bear cum. I think I got it. Cannibalism? Correct. Okay. I was going to say a mass grave. Bearcub. I got it. Cannibalism? Correct. Okay. I was going to say a man's grave. That's good.

Dude. All right. Let's get the fuck away from whatever that is. Let's go Ugly People for 100. Ugly People for 100. Let's go Bridge Burning for 1,000. Yeah. All right.

Remember, they're all in some form of entertainment. Gotcha. Gotcha. So this one will also be the grimace. All right. This is beautiful. I was about to say. This beautiful purple angel.

Ugly people for 100. Mr. One Bone. Jesus fucking Christ. Mr. One Bone. What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, first of all, why are you reading Pat's business card? He's only got one bone. There come. I mean, first of all, why are you reading Pat's business card? Is it Ken Bone? Who's that?

I was going to guess that. Thank you. It's someone fat. I know that. I just don't know what fat person you know of. People famous for having bones. Bear cum. John Goodman?

No. Okay, I got nothing. Oh, fuck. Maybe a big snake? Entertainer of notes, a big snake. Let's call the famous big snakes. That one you fight in Resident Evil 1? Yeah, I'm out.

Anaconda from Anaconda. Yeah, I lose. Chris Farley. No. It was Ron Jeremy. Oh, that's pretty good. Shit. He is ugly.

We all overthought it. Ugly for 200. Get done with us. Skinny Man, Donkey Teeth. Bear Cum. Steve Buscemi. Points. We all knew that.

Pat controls the board. When I saw the category, I was like, one of them is going to be Buscemi. Buscemi or Pete Davidson. Oh, that's good. Let's go Ugly People for three. Ug, that's good. Let's go ugly people for three. Ugly people for the 300. The throw me size. Bearcum.

The throw me size. Oh, fuck. What is it? Peter Dinklage. No. Bearcum. You're not far off. Bearcum.

Okay, it's different. Wee Man. Correct. Is that for three? That's for three. Kyle controls the board. All right. Ugly people for four. Ugly people for three. Kyle controls the board. All right. Ugly people for four.

Ugly people for 400. The Sing Goblin. Bear Cum. The fucking... I know it if you don't. The bitch from Britain's Got Talent. Three. Steph...

I forgot her name. Bear Cum. Susan Boyle. You guys split the point. You said it at the same time. Do you know what's fun is how topical this stays. Yeah, right? Yeah, right?

Okay. That hot ref in 2019, Susan Boyle. I was trying to think of ugly females, and there aren't any. Yeah, they really weren't. Susan Thomas is really thirsty right now. Somebody totally went to Ranker.com and just typed in ugly chicks. All right, we'll split the points on that. Still a porn site.

You guys said it the exact same time. I got 200. All right. I guess death or ugly people for five. Ugly people for five? Yeah. All right. Deflated muscle ham.

Oh, shit. Deflated muscle ham. Bearcum. Steven Seagal. No. Right ballpark. Bearcum. Sylvester Stallone.

No. Bearcum. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Barry Ballpark. Bear Cum. Sylvester Stallone. No. Bear Cum. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Points! Ah! Damn it. We went through the whole Planet Hollywood ownership roster there. I know, yeah.

We got every steroid-titted bad actor. Yeah. Okay. Shit, I only got 300 points. I'm not doing great. Nah. The animals that go for... Did we do 300?

No. Okay, animals that go for 300. Animals that go for 300. Speed bumps. Bear cum. Squirrels. No. Bear cum.

Fucking alligators. No. Bear cum. They're kind of shit. Cats. No. They're like the same general size. Speed bumps.

Oh, shit. It's not cocaine, but somehow I think it's cocaine. I don't know. I got nothing. It was deer. Oh. That one. That one time tracked.

All right. Let's go. Nope. The other one. There we go. Animals that go for 400. Animals that go for 400. Wing bullets.

Bear cum. Bat. No. Bear cum. Eagles. Nope. Bear cum. Hawks. Nope. Wing bullets Bear cum Bat No Bear cum Eagles Nope Bear cum Hawks Nope

Wing bullets Bear cum Bees Correct Well done Hell yeah Alright I might be back in this If I can go on a run here

Alright Animals that go for five Okay Drop dogs Fuck yeah God damn right Drop dogs Bear cum

Coyotes? Nope Oh, could they drop off the cliff? I'm still on the loony top That's pretty cool Bear cum Sloths? Nope It's the opposite of an animal that goes They fall off trees

They still have to go They have to go. They have to go. Bear cum. God help me. Penguins. What? God, I want it to be right.

Tom, don't act like it's not out of the realm of... Possibility. Piece of shit. Steve Buscemi. Points. No, it was... And this is... You guys are going to get so mad at me. It's my favorite thing I've ever done with Tom Tompery.

Dogs, would you drop them? Fuck you. I was really excited to play this game. It's fun to go like, I'm no longer the worst thing in the episode. That wasn't nice what you just did to Pat. All right. Well, fucking modern mythological creatures for 300. Modern mythological creatures for 300. Modern mythological creatures for 300.

Okay. Capital One Vikings. We have 300. Do you mean 400? Yeah, sure. 400. Yeah, that's what he meant. 400.

The Joy Button. The Joy Button? There come the clit. Boids. We were funny in the 90s. Go ahead, keep. Oh, there's only one left. Yeah, five. Oh, yeah's only one left. Yeah.

Five. Oh, yeah. Last to go. I almost said... 2016 Demon Loser. Bear Cum. Hillary Clinton? Nope. Yeah.

Bear Cum. Oh. Bernie Sanders? Nope. He's Jewish. Come on. I know it now, but I'll let you guys go first. Well, I was going to say Hillary, too.

Well, say a different thing. Bear Cum. Donald Trump. Nope. Jill Stein. Nope. Carnock the bloodthirsty. That is correct. There it is.

All right. Are you guys ready for the final, final solution? Final, final solution. Yep. Is this where we shoot ourselves in the bunker? I'm wagering all 700 of my meager points. I'm wagering all 800. I'm wagering all 1,700. I'm. I'm wagering all 800. I'm wagering all 1,700.

I'm going to wager 200. How much do you have? Oh, you fucking bitch. How much do you have, you gay whore? Because I'm a lot. So this way, if this goes- How many is a lot, fuckface? Four plus eight.

Eight plus six. 1,800. Are you going to try to Ken Jennings like Tom Tom? Yeah, all right. Well, now you're cheating because we'll just win. Yeah, that's a little bit- No, no, no, no. If I get it right and he getspkins. Yeah, alright. Well, now you're cheating because we'll just win. Yeah, that's a little bit all over. No, no, no.

If I get it right and he gets it wrong. Yeah. Yeah, but where does this leave me? In second place? That's not fun. We also,

we've been playing this game for years. We've never really figured out how this round works. I love the idea that like, a thing that barely

has rules, Connor's like, but I shan't win it in this scenario. Exactly. It's not fun anymore. shan't win it in this scenario. Exactly. It's not fun anymore. It's all your fault, Kyle. You fucking fat piece of shit.

The only rule of this game is that everybody bets everything they have on the final solution. Yeah, and I heard you guys all do that. And then I was like, what if I hedge it and beat all these assholes who are bad at math? You big weird shit. I'm going to lose. It's my game. Everyone gambles off their points. Nothing we did matters destroy you. I'm going to lose. It's my game. Everyone gambles off their points. Nothing we did matters at all.

No, it still does. Okay, sure. Yeah. Oh, because he said so. Yeah, that's exactly how this thing works. Everybody, you get your points. Guys, are you ready for the category? Give me the goddamn category, fucker.

Candy. Are we buzzing in or do we write these down? We write them down. Gotcha. Category is candy. Candy. Okay, candy. The hint is flavor clits.

Flavor clits. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. All right, I got my guess. I got my guess. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Shadow Government. Do you have yours? This show never dipped in quality. All right, guys. Let me hear them. You guys can't see that he is shitting right now. It's not fun when I do it. Yeah.

See? We know. No one fought you on that. Skittles. Skittles. Sour Patch Kids. Sour Patch Kids. Mars Bars.

Mars Bars. Tootsie Pop. What? Because you can't find them. Really hard to find. That's pretty... There are always things. What? Because you can't find them. Really hard to find. That's pretty... They're always in the store when I go looking. That's a great guess.

The correct answer was Skittles. Oh, come on. We are the champions. No, you got to finish. What? No, I'm good. Finish the whole song. I will say that, Connor, your answer didn't know me the best, but it was incorrect.

I was trying to pan. Yeah, you were. And for a second, I was like, man, that is neat. You were going to change the answer to Connor Williams. I did it. I did it. Because I would have really, no one would have liked that. It's right here.

We believe you, Tom. There's not a fucking house ethics committee on the ending of Tomperty. Well, that was the final, final solution of the final, final Tomperty. The final, final solution of the final, final Tom Tomperdy. Yeah. Final, final BB. Right, right, right, right. Back, back, back.

How the fuck are you, everybody? It's your boy, Mark Malloy, the pride of South Boston. Independent contractor, swindler at large, and the only person to ever be pepper sprayed in every Dunkin' Donuts on the Eastern Seaboard. We're almost at the end of the road for the Mean Boys podcast, and what a fucking journey it's been. I haven't seen someone get this much mileage out of a dead horse since that time me and my cousin Little Pete broke into the glue factory. Fucking bonkers. No security guard or cameras or nothing.

You jump two fucking fences, you pick one fucking lock, and it's a fucking all-you-can-sniff buffet. Now, Little Pete, his head ain't all the way right on account of his ma got knocked up inside an industrial microwave. Kind of scrambled his eggs right out of the fucking gate. But this fucking kid, he sniffs so much glue, he got un-retarded. Hand to God, all of a sudden, he's fucking whipping out words like idiosyncrasy and shit, asking for fucking Rubik's Cubes to finish. I've watched this motherfucker shit himself in three different bathtubs.

Now he's talking about Voltaire. Then he takes another whiff, and quick as that, he's even more retarded than he was before. I'm talking full-on adult diapers, skip the line at Disneyland retarded. I swear to fucking God, kid, that's how it happened. It was like fucking Elmer's for Algernon, bro. What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, this fudge-nutter jamboree of a fucking radio show is finally over. And I got a soft spot for these queers. They've had my back for years now, and they gave me ad space on this show when I got kicked off Boston Public Access for saying Chinese people reproduce asexually. For the record, I apologize. I misspoke. I was actually thinking of Koreans. Happens to the best of us.

Now, nobody's losing sleep over what these cum guzzlers are going to do now that the show's going fucking kablooey. Fatty Fatterson and Twinkle Voss over there are going to be fine telling David Spade how to smirk boyishly, whatever the fuck their fucking job is. And I assume Tom's going to go back to his home dimension to be the fucking king of the squirrel talkers. But what about me? Am I going to be out on my ass, sweating in the gutter, begging for scraps like some kind of fucking Italian? Shit to the fucking no, kid.

I got all kinds of ventures up my sleeve. For starters, I've recently become part of what I like to call a soft abduction ring. Did you know kidnapping's only a misdemeanor as long as you don't diddle the kid? That's what my lawyer tells me, and this guy's a fucking whiz. He got Felicity Huffman two weeks. He's a fucking magician. But that's not all. I'm not just thinking short term.

I'm really taking stock of my life and investing in my future. By which I mean I took all that money I made counterfeit and scratch off lottery tickets and invested it in a pill press. Look out, dark web. Here I come. The point is, just because you don't hear from me for a while, it doesn't mean I'll be gone. I'll live on forever in the hearts of every scum fuck moron trying to make a dishonest buck. Wherever someone's torturing a minivan for the insurance money,

I'll be there soaking a rag in paint thinner. Wherever someone's trying to pull the I left my wallet in my car move in a rubbing tug, I'll be there warming up the engine on an 88 Taurus in the parking lot. And when you're knocked on your ass by this fucking terrible world and you look up and see the moon, know that I'm there.

Because I'm stealing your wallet while you're gaying out on outer fucking space. Joke's on you fuckface. Never trust anything that sounds like poetry. Until next time, you fucking almost. This is Mark Malloy saying so long, farewell, and don't talk to any fucking cops. Alright. And the Mean Boys podcast returns.

Take a look at your tweets, your questions, your voicemails, your blah, blah, blah. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. It's the Mean Boys Mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag.

Yeah. That's the jingle By our boy Andrew Hillary Looking at the Twitter here Oh, oops Oh, what? I burped Oh You can just keep doing that now

They can't cancel the Patreon Oh, that's true The farewell tour I'm sorry for burping Guys This one is from At Rat Top What's the furthest you've gone

For an in real life bit? Oh Interesting That's the laugh Of not knowing If you could tell a story Yeah you've gone for an in real life bit oh because there's so many directions I can go with this there's lifestyle choices there's financial ruin myself too much money for a thing you think is funny? Yes, but go tell me. Well, there's certain ones that fell into lifestyle things where I now always have my pinky out when I drink something because I thought it was funny and then muscle memory kicked in and now I'm an asshole.

I also had to relearn how to run because I used to run in a way where I wagged my arms a little bit because I thought it was funny to make people mad and then for a few years i just had a very uh effeminate run and then try to tell people it's a bit and when people stop believing about the bit you're in too far deep into the bit so now so now you're really you've just geisha binded your body into being like an asshole and doing dumb bits yes yeah damn sounds pretty rough that's commitment to a bad bit i'm trying to think. The statute of limitations doesn't affect those. Yeah, it might be for this show when we spent $90 on an embroidered Mark Malloy hat and then used it for exactly zero things. Oh, yeah. Then we just have a Red Sox team I don't even like.

Oh, fuck. I thought of a fun one. Yeah, we did that. I mean, driving to fucking Fresno for Denny's was pretty much fun. Yeah. That was a lot to do for a bit. Yeah, Tom almost getting heat stroke at a Denny's was pretty much fun. That was a lot to do for a bit. Yeah, Tom almost getting heat stroke at a Denny's. Yeah, I just got out of the fucking ICU

to go with you guys to a Denny's in Fresno. To be fair, we let you rest in the gutter comfortably. You were literally laying in the parking lot of a Fresno Denny's. I literally almost died the week before and I was like, fuck it. At least that's the worst thing we did at that show. Yeah. Oh yeah, and then when we did all the

poppers live on stage with the girl. Black file. Black file. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a kid. I don't know if that counts. Well, that was really the anti-bit. What was the bit there?

It's not going over well. No, legitimately, I'm not sure this fits into the category, but I had a crush on a girl when I was 17, and I wanted to get her flowers for Valentine's Day, but it was pre when you could just, like, Amazon order shit. Right. So I picked them up at a florist and brought them to her house and went to leave them on the front door, and just as I turned to walk away,

her mom opened the door, and I panicked and pretended to be a flower delivery guy. Oh, shit. And she had so many questions, and I just kept trying to escape. She's like, where's your truck? I'm like, it's Valentine's Day. All the trucks are taken.

It's a busy day. She's like, who are they from? I'm like, look, lady, I just deliver them. There should be a card in there. I don't know. Started with, I'll do a romantic gesture and ended with, I'll be a hostile dick to this lady's mom. And then I took her to the prom prom and I had to meet her parents. Oh, shit.

The flower guy. They didn't call me on it. No, they didn't. The mom gave me a look where she's like, we know what's going on here. Yeah, but we're going to be cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. That's nice.

I had a friend who spent a few hundred dollars mailing 10,000 ladybugs to a friend. Whoa. That's dope. Why? Did he buy them from like a bulk bait distributor? Yes. Really?

Okay. Yes. They found an industrial gardening website where you could order and send ladybugs to a place. Exactly.

So this was Jared and he sent 10,000 ladybugs to someone. My best friend did this. Is that like the Game Mafia version of like a horse head in your back?

Yeah, sort of. It's just fun to open a box and then just have a nightmare inside. And there's a lot of things alive. Were's just fun to open a box and then just have a nightmare inside. And there's a lot of things alive. Are they just loose in there? Once you get to a certain layer of the box, yes. Damn.

There's nothing you can get $10,000 of in the mail that's not going to make your life a little worse. It's like, oh, shit, where did this come from? With the way the world's going, I'm going to have to get vape pods in that amount soon. I know, yeah. I'd say the bit that, hmm. I mean, I did. Joining a podcast? I did for three and a half years convince 5,000 people I was fucking retarded.

That was a pretty far move. Now you can finally go back to teaching at UCLA. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, Neil deGrasse Tyson's moonlighting career is over. I know. You're like the Greg Hedson from Bad Religion of the Podcast where you're quietly intellectual and then you're like, okay, let's go do some rock songs about the devil.

I do feel bad how many people don't seem to realize it's a bit and they meet you in real life and they're like, he can read? Oh, yeah. No, it drives me. Well, it's also like, what did you want? Did you want to just point at chairs and be like, butt tables? To be fair, yes. You just gave them 100% what every person has ever meant we want.

Where was butt tables 10 minutes ago? We were trying to figure out what the word go means in your fucking brain. Is this the podcast version of Jaleel White? You really boned really because you're like, what do you want me to do with the funniest thing

you ever heard? Is that what you want? The best joke I've heard all day. You fucking pigs.

I think we all feel like that in different ways. There's a little con I'm expanding all of you got that you got definitely got the

roughest one. But yeah, no, I'm also like, what do you want? I don't know, man. You guys stink. I'm tired. of us. You definitely got the roughest one. But yeah, no, I'm also like, what do you want? I don't know, man. You guys stink. I'm tired. Speaking of Tom, here's a question for Tom. At Fetus Christ asks, love leaving the tribe, but I'm going to miss the character you once.

Mean Boys is gone. Any plans to join other podcasts that are more comedy oriented? Also, seven words that rhyme with engine. Go. Tangent. Remnant. If you're eminem i guess uh vengeance uh does anything right uh vengeance vengeance vengeance vengeance uh remnants uh engines Uh, engines. Rednecks. Yeah. Fucking, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, entrails.

I don't. Entrance was right there. Entrance. So much closer. If we ask him to do Orange, we could just, we could all leave for a couple hours. Tom just does ten hours of Hammond and Hahn. That was still half as long as Kyle's last joke off joke. Twice as funny.

Any podcasts you want to plug? Oh, yeah. I mean, there's Leaving the Tribe. I will. So I'm probably not going to join in on someone else's podcast. I eventually will start my own comedy podcast. I'm going to spend some time kind of boosting leaving the tribe since like i don't i it's been everything has just been kind of fucking chaos leading up to this and i'd like

to actually be able to put some work into that uh and i will be kind of doing test runs and shit and trying to figure out what exactly the comedy podcast will be but uh yeah no so there will be like i'm not i'm still gonna to be like a living human being that does comedy. So, like, yeah, there will be other stuff, but I'm going to focus on Leaving the Tribe first, and hopefully by next year I'll have a new comedy podcast up. I was talking to a friend the other day that the end of Mean Boys feels like that band that ends, but like, we'll get some good solo albums and spinoff bands out of this. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Where only five people showed up to listen to the podcast. You guys are a real jawbreaker situation. We'll all have other podcasts. We'll all do them. We'll all talk into microphones together again. We all look forward

to your tweets that they're not as good as me. Oh, never. Absolutely not. I like Tom's new one. To what you're saying, this is like Cheers and Tom's spinoff is kind of like Frasier. Yeah. That's true. It's smarter and you've got a tweed jacket. There's a dog that'll be dead soon. And mine is like Joey.

Okay. Tossed eggs and scrambled salads. What's scrambled salad? Oh, baby, I feel the greens and dogs and I'm old with the salad. Oh, baby, I feel the greens and dogs and I'm old with the radio. At Josh Mags says, have you guys managed to completely alienate someone famous? Also, I managed to get all the cancer out of my dumb balls.

Congrats, man. Oh, and then he added correction ball. Way to go, bud. Mail us the ball and we'll send you free merch. Yeah, I guess that's a mixed victory. It seems like he won. What celebrities have you alienated? Have we?

I don't know. I don't know, Tom. I mean, I feel like I've alienated all of them. I'm trying to think of any joke I can... Jeff will be afraid of you a little forever. Yeah, Jeff always knows me by name. There was no fear in his heart. I don't think he'd do that.

He learned your name because he one day might have to say it. Well, yeah, he read my fucking window manifest, so I drew up and went, okay, how would it be nice to this one? Yeah, I don't know. I got yelled at by Peyton Manning once. Did I tell that on this podcast? No. No, I don't think so. I was writing for the Sports Illustrated Awards, and I wrote his speech, and it was about Jim Brown.

You fat fuck. These jokes are shit. No, it was a serious speech, which made it even shittier. It was about Jim Brown and his activism. And in the speech, I wrote, Jim Brown's a three-time NFL MVP. And then somebody else changed it to four. And I was standing with Peyton Manning and two other people. He's reading the speech in prompter before the

event and he says four time MVP and I turn to the prompter guy I'm like that's actually three we just got to change that I didn't think he would hear me and he stopped dead in the middle of the speech he goes what and I was like oh it's supposed to be three time MVP it says four we'll fix it and then another guy goes no it's four

times and I was like dude I researched it it's three and Peyton Manning just looks at me and goes, how about we just give him the higher fucking number, huh? Whoa. Peyton Manning, bad journalist. Yeah. And like standing next to him, he's like, he looks like he's eight foot tall standing next to you. I'm like, yes, sir. 100%.

How tall is he? I don't know, like 6'6". You know, weighs the same as Pat. He's got this t-shirt. Yeah. He then added fire bad And then we kind of went from there Yeah fuck dude

That is scary when you piss off somebody like that A little bit I did get kind of Lizzo gave me the stink eye for texting during a rehearsal At the movie awards She just kind of looked at me like You're going to text while I'm The coolest person on earth just dancing In my sweatpants with like 35 people?

And I was like, yeah. Let's see what else we got. Do we want to have voicemails? We don't have the thing, but I can drop them in after as long as we just don't talk over them. Okay, we can also save voicemails for the next one. Oh, it's not that big a deal.

It's just I'll have to edit them in in post because we got a lot of voicemails, I feel like, and I want to fucking make sure that they all get addressed. All right. So I'm going to. I'll ask this one while you're figuring that out. OK. For all the boys, if you could pass the Mean Boys torch to some up and coming comics, who

would be your top three choices to take your place? I don't know. I don't really want to answer that question. All right. Never mind. We'll cut that one out. No, it's OK. I just I feel it's kind of like a little awkward. If you guys want to answer that question to be honest. All right. Never mind. We'll cut that one out. No, it's okay. I just feel like it's kind of a little awkward.

If you guys want to answer that, maybe we could get into it. You know what I mean? Well, now it sounds great. No. It's just, I mean. I've thought about this a while. I genuinely don't know. Yeah.

It's kind of my thing, too. Because it's like, who would you want to have your life? And I'm like, I don't know. Oh, this one's fun. Have you ever boofed booze? Have you ever butt-chugged? I have a whole bit about this. Literally a large chunk of my current act is about butt-chugging.

Boofing? I forgot. Boofing's with pills and shit, though. Is it? Yeah, boofing's with pills. You crush up a Vicodin and use a tissue paper and boof it up there? Oh, I did not know that. No, that's parachuting when you take booze.

Oh, parachuting's with the Kleenex. Boofing is just getting it up there. But I've never heard boofing for booze. Boofing for booze? Sounds like a bad morning radio content. All right, we're boofing for booze. Just me and Dino in this bed. And booze timbre.

A whole bit about a friend in high school who was known as the king of butt chugging. The king of the butt chugging. King of butt chugging. And it's a story of one of their misadventures when butt-chugging goes wrong. I thought butt-chugging rarely goes right. I beg to differ. Yeah, right. But when butt-chugging goes wrong, that's...

How long did that run on Fox? It got canceled the same time as Titus. Okay, all right. We still put the reruns on TruTV. They're on Crackle. All right, we got some voicemails up here. Hey, Mean Boys. My name's Drew.

It's a fan from Denver here. I tried giving you guys this Patreon, but then I lost my card and, like, had to cancel it and shit. So as soon as I get a new one, you guys are getting your five bucks a month. I want to find out how Ramsey implicated Keith in tax fraud. Also, have you guys ever noticed that Keith looks like Barba from fucking Super Troopers? It could just be me. Anyway, I love the show. I love you guys. Thank you so much for doing what you're doing.

It really helps me to get through my job. I work in 12 hours a day just fucking propane tank. Oh, that's another thing. I really like how you guys are constantly referencing Keeping the Hill because I literally

have Hank Hill's job. I sell propane and propane accessories. So, yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead. I want to... Well, hang on.

Why is it selling a steel drum band Yeah I wanted to thank him Hi I'm calling live from my day job At the Girls Gone Wild commercial I'm here at the clang clong factory Wait if you sell propane And that much clanging is happening

You're about to die Yeah just a bunch of guys just That's funny that was clearly from before we announced Hey man everything's cool I like the show Keith looks like that one guy Anyway, thanks guys That's a job that's going to suck in two months

I love that Every Mean Boys voicemail There's just a fragment of their tragic lives Happening Well, I lost my ATM card And then my wife took the baby And every shoe I ever owned Anyway, my question is, what does the fudge lord do

on the weekend? Ever gotten a voicemail from somebody that doesn't sound like they got a little drunk before building up the nerve to call? The most sober, clear-headed, confident voicemail we've ever gotten was when Alexis called about her husband having a miscarriage at the carnival. That's the only one that didn't sound insane.

There's a lot going on in that sentence. And that tells you what we love about this show and our audience. I'm going to need someone to unpack that one. I started laughing over Pat's horror, I realized. It's a legendary moment, but two of our favorite listeners who are trans were switcheroot. They were pregnant. They got on the Gravitron at the county fair, and then when they got off, they were no longer pregnant. You know, I do parts of that story.

Their love is not that much different from an unproduced Wayne Brothers screenplay. at the county fair and then when they got off they were no longer pregnant. You know, I do parts of that story. Their love is like not that much different from like an unproduced Wayne Brothers screenplay. You know, it's like What Wayne's Brother movie is that?

Well, I don't know. It's like about a couple that switch his gender and they get a miscarriage out of Carlin. You know, it just seems like one of those zany 90s movies.

Oh, Damon plays the mom and the dad and then Marlon plays the baby. But where's keenan ivory in all this he's running the gravitron it's a cameo appearance working crafty uh all right all right hey mean boys lucky zero from twitter and discord i'm the one who asked if you had any fun jokes for the urologist when i went in for a biopsy so i went in, conveniently directly across the street from my house, worked out pretty well. And I knew I was in for a pretty wild ride when the guy who was, I want to say 200 years old, but he's like hardcore Indian, so I want to say maybe 60 actually.

He puts on his examination glove in one smooth motion, absolutely no adjustments made. And then pretty much just Don Flamenco's my testicles. And, well, long story short, last night I got to debut to an entire crowd over a microphone while an all-air horn version of Careless Whisperer was playing that I got a bad case of the cancer balls. So today, on 9-11, I get to lose my right testicle. Boy. It's been a while, Brian, guys.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you could debut the worst news possible, what would be the song you'd play? I don't know, man. I just woke up. You guys have a good one. The worst news ever. I think it's the Nice Boys theme song from last episode. See, that guy hit tragedy bingo 45 seconds into that voicemail. He got his nut cut off on 9-11.

That's fucking great. That sounds like an Edgelord joke preface that they wouldn't find a punchline to. If we ever bring this show back, suck my dick, Steve Ranazzisi, this guy is the 9-11 guest. Well, that's a Johnny Cash song for the new millennium. I lost my nut. This guy lost his fucking building seven. This does feel like the A24 Edgelord movie about the guy whose life just, or Twilight Zone, where a guy becomes his own set of jokes on the internet. I lost a ball in 9-11 and Deadpool was there as my doctor.

Oh, yeah. Hitler fucked my dad. The guy learns empathy, but he has to live through everything he's ever made a joke about. Damn. Oh, no. Now I'm dying in fire. That's like a legitimately pretty good movie idea. Kyle, we should probably just make this.

We could sell that to Quibi. Yeah. Quibi is buying right now. Quibi is in. Fuck, dude. Quibi's fierce. Quibi is fucking here and it is thriving. It's fun to watch Connor get a tumor when he does certain jokes.

All of them? Yeah. Holy shit, man. Well, we did that news in reverse, but I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you're alive, too, bro. Super glad. What is the best song to debut Bad News to? Boys Are Back in Town.

Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. Or Taking Care of Business. A fucking... Yeah, it's been six minutes since your kid died. Or taking care of business. A fucking... Spend six minutes since your kid died. I wish that I was

walking with my son. How bizarre. Nine months ago he came out with a tumor and the doctor said it's gonna be pretty bad. When I finally get that diagnosis... Put away the blocks

before your son dies in your arms. Just blastin' I've seen better days once you've gotten the diagnosis. Oh, yeah. How about What I Got by Sublime? Cancer is what I got. Every morning there's a nut sack and it's missing one of its two supposed to have balls.

I know. I'm sorry, guys. Watch the truck run out of gas. Yeah. I need a Gatorade. Like I said, I'm still dehydrated from my diarrhea earlier. Nah, you're good, man. Let's wrap this one up, dude.

This is a solid one. Do we want to do one more? Yeah, we can do one more. Yeah, we'll do one more. We got one more from 9-11, so these are vintage. Yeah, by the way, if you're listening, whatever voicemails and questions we don't get to on these last few episodes, we're going to clear the whole mailbag on the last episode. We're going to clear them all.

We're going to get into them. We're going to fucking... We'll do a four-hour episode if we have to. It'll be a marathon. They're easier than you think. Yeah. Okay, guys. Hey, what's up, mean boys?

This is Big Mother Chuck... Excuse me. Fuck that. That's stupid. Hey, this is Joe calling mean boys? This is Big Mother Chuck... Excuse me. Fuck that. That's stupid. Hey, this is Joe calling in from Michigan. Real name. I'm not a cartoon character. A couple episodes back, you guys were talking about the book that Bill Clinton wrote recently, or helped write.

And, fun fact, I actually read that book. And it's pretty good! I mean, you know, it's not like highbrow literature by any stretch, but it's called The President is Missing. It was co-written by Bill Clinton and James Patterson, and, you know, it's actually kind of worth checking out. So, yeah, I mean, I spend a lot of time on the road. I listen to you guys and a bunch of other podcasts and lots and lots of audio books. And that one is not bad. So just saying.

Actually, actually a fairly quality book. Quick question for you. Who was the first person you ever wanted to fuck? And who was the first person you actually fucked? Fuck everything. God is dead. Have a good one. Interesting. What a Bill Clinton rant to a very simple...

Hey, let me tell you why the president was missing. Alright, could you turn the microphones off? I was fucking kids. First person I wanted to fuck, a kid. First kid I fucked, that one. Let's just say, I don't want to tell you where, but I had my swim trunks on. Yeah.

Pure joy on Connor's face when he does Bill Clinton. It's who I want to be. First person you wanted to fuck and first person you fucked. First person I wanted to fuck, Olivia Lovely. The porn star from Bang Bros, Ass Parade fame. You know, the first porn I saw when I was 11 years old. And then I fucked a girl that kind of looked like that. So it worked out pretty good.

The first person I ever fucked was a juggalette. Yeah. Let's be honest. The first person you fucked was cake. Juggalette, the worst a man can get. That's the girl with the cake on the ass, right? What's get. That's the girl with the keg on the ass, right? What's up? That was the girl with the keg on the ass? No, that was his girlfriend.

No, I ate cake off a long-term girlfriend. If your day-to-day foray into fucking is eating cake off of somebody's ass, that's a wild way to do it. I like the you ate cake off her ass like when you guys both knew each other's social security numbers. 100%. Yeah, we had signed a lease together.

Yeah. Oh, now I know who it was. My debut foray was... No, it wasn't that. My debut foray was, yeah, going limp, realizing I couldn't come, telling her to close her eyes and spitting on her tits so she thought I came on them, and then trying to put a soft dick in her butt and passing out on the floor. That was...

Whoa! That was my first run That's a hell of a debut. with Juggalo Lovin', dude. Having the blast. That's gotta be the least fun way you can spit on a Juggalo.

Yeah. I can't imagine many ways that wouldn't be fun. It's the only way you can do it and not get murdered with a screwdriver. Well, that's fair. Well, dude, yeah,

spitting on a Juggalo, that's like, that's ten years of Michigan bad luck, first of all. Michigan bad luck is that frog, but he tells EFH. Michigan bad luck is called the Financial Times of Michigan. It's called a 20-ounce bottle of flint water.

Yeah. I think the first girl I ever wanted, it was probably Natalie Portman, the actress. Oh, Laura Perpon. Oh, that Natalie. Laura Perpon, actually. That's having a show. Wait, what? Oh, Perpon, actually. That's having a show. Wait, what? Oh, that was your first run of actress, because it's clearly a very famous person.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Not everyone's aware of her. And then the first person I fucked was, yeah, my first girlfriend. And I lasted, like, you know, negative seconds. And then we fucked five more times that night. Nice. Nice.

I'm glad everybody else went first. Tom fucks like how The Rock eats. Five small... I'm glad everyone else went first and established the rule of the first person should be a famous person. Now the woman who cut my hair when I was 11 doesn't have to know that I wanted to fuck her.

Oh, okay. Well, we've got her here today. Pat, didn't your mom cut your hair? Hmm, very interesting. No, dude, when I was like 11 or 12, I used to watch wrestling, and there was a woman named Sunny, who was so

fucking hot. Now I think she's all like methed out. I'm gonna hang out with Mike Lawrence tonight. I'll ask him about it, but I think she's into like crack or meth, and she's been to jail a bunch, but she was like super fucking hot uh are you googling her right now yeah there we go okay like back in the day like yeah i'm picking up what you're putting yeah exactly pat you like this is exactly the kind of woman i i feel like pat would like you know yeah i'm being totally honest just in the face doesn't look dissimilar from your wife yeah yeah not really no yeah you

have consistency. I'll give you that. This is like the guy that like a dude that makes like $80,000 a year in the middle of the country like fantasizes about cheating on his wife with. Yeah. You know? This lady looks like she's on a calendar at like an auto shop. Yeah.

Yeah. But not like a good one. Right. Like a jiffy lube. Like a middle of the road. Yeah. And the first woman I fucked was a girlfriend early on in college. And what I remember is I was at my fattest at the time.

I was 320 pounds. Holy damn. And I didn't want to take my shirt off. So the first time I fucked was in a Marshall Falk jersey. Damn, dude. Did you keep the Timbs on? Marshall F fuck. What a foreshadow for a terrible career. Yeah, right?

Me or Marshall Falk? That was a joke. Both of you. My first one was Janine from Ghostbusters 2, specifically. Oh, God. You really set a template for life. Sex fantasies are adorable. Okay, but that's a good one.

To be fair, she got that short red hair that's dyed in the glass. I also wanted to bang that mustache too. It was that, or I think the next one after that is like Roxanne from a Goofy movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why does our whole generation have a weird boner from a Goofy movie? We did a live commentary for a Goofy movie with Joe K. You've never heard the word sexual awakening since so many times. I was like, dude, say it.

I know a lot of people that wanted to fuck Simba from The Lion King. Yeah. Sorry? A lot of girls were like, dude, I wanted to fuck Simba so bad. Was that just because it was Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yeah, sort of. I think the voice. But also, yeah.

I was in middle school in prime JTT era, and every girl wanted to fuck him. For me, it was Johnny Depp And Orlando Bloom Was like the big ones Yeah Those were the guys That made you hard No Thank you Tom No they got all

The middle school girls Fucking sopping But like They were just like Gushing over these men The losing my virginity Was to a Like a friend of mine

Who was also in drama club She actually did my podcast Not that long ago But we have a special Two jokes with it Cause we Decided to fuck each other after seeing Shrek 2. So we were already pretty hyped up.

And then we did it to the best of 311. In a car, in a field, to the best of 311 after watching Shrek 2. Kyle, you are Orange County. With a purple dollar store condom my friend gave me. Well, I actually can do you one worse. I lost my virginity to the commercial jingle, the one that went, you're crumb believable. And then you were like, oh, bop, damp, dandy.

Yeah, and then the Chips Ahoy dancing cookie song came on. Yeah. You busted the cookie commercial No I lost my virginity You fucked her in a commercial break It was the only cool thing I've ever done in my life I like the other version better

Me too yeah Yeah Nothing will ever be as good As having sex with the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack When the Ooga Shokas came on And I was eating pussy I had a

My friend Because I'm still friends With that person She was The best She's like You laugh when you're 311 still I'm like oh hell that person, she was the best. She's like, you laugh when you're 311 still?

I'm like, oh, hell yeah. That fucking rules. Damn, guys. Fucking thank you so much for coming on. Are you kidding me? Thank you guys for everything. Yeah, literally, this has been some of the highlights of the last few years. Been hanging with you boys and going on Mean Boys adventures.

We couldn't have done it without you, Kyle. And we'll still do dumb shit. We'll still hang out. You gave us a lot of fucking help back in the day. Well, yeah, I think we'll honestly have fun and do more fun stuff together more now that we're not doing this. Hurry up and cancel this, Rad, so we can start our inevitable and unlistenable podcast together. No, it's going to be a band that's also a podcast. Oh, shit, can we do that? We sure can.

Oh, man, let's ruin everything. You still have one of my guitars. Yeah, it's a little broken. You will start adapting into a movie. Oh, no. Yeah. This is now I want to tell you. Here's what I pitch.

What happened to it? We'll talk about this out there. I think Kyle should spend all Keith's money making a movie. Yeah. Oh, what a great idea. About Tom. Yeah. It's called Booger Nights.

That sucks. I'm still on board. Look, I think we can all agree that the quality is going to stay high. You guys are ending on top. Yeah, this was rad. Do you guys have anything you guys want to plug before we end? Check out my podcast, This Is Rad, which is still running. So if you've got to fill that void, hey,

we are here to be your rebound, baby. Also, my record, Absolute Terror, off at Radline Records, which I also put out. Both Keith Carey's Partylicious and Tom Goss's. Have you released the title yet? I think I'm going to go Dead in Chicago. Dead in Chicago. Oh, yeah.

So it's going to be fun times. We're going to put together that great box set of posthumous Conor McSpad material at some point. Oh, yeah. We've got some good stuff this weekend. Good, good, good. Save those phones. Do not destroy your phone before you kill yourself. No.

I am really banking on it. I got two new tracks about fat chicks and yeast infections. God damn. My kid's going to go to college on economic spad and ghost money. And then I have sort of a new side podcast I'm doing twice a month with Jen Saunders called Everything is Scary. It's an all horror show that I got to get you on at some point. We're about to go.

I'm going to leave from this and go talk for an hour and a half about how it is just a cocaine-fueled piece of crazy. That fucking rules. All right. And I have a sports podcast called Pat and Jeff Like Sports. I know some of your listeners have come over because they immediately call me on the fact that I blatantly stole some of your games. What did you get? Just like price check and that sort of thing, except it's like sports related. Not stuff that you invented.

The degree to which I don't give a shit. Right, right, right. Spell bound. I'm honestly, finally people are stealing shit. A couple people on Twitter were like, did you get that from the Mean Boys? I'm like, fuck yeah. I'm going to be like, you cocksucker. Right, right, right.

We invented saying what things cost. What it's in game for. That's the thing that makes me, almost as much as anything, feel like we've done something really cool here, is that I see other people stealing our ideas. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Jimmy Fallon. Well, dude, because it's like...

Google tonight show joke-off. The Fallon joke-off. Because I also stole a lot of this show. But my price checks are more like Super Bowl tickets as opposed to the cost of an abortion. Yeah, like how much is, I don't know, Hitler somehow. Right. NFL players definitely know the price of an abortion.

You go state by state. Isn't one Super Bowl ticket two to 12 abortions? Isn't that the... That is the scale, yeah, depending on how good the game is. If you're getting it done at the Radisson, maybe. And I also want to throw my support behind Tom's new podcast, Leaving the Tribe. I listened to the first episode, or my first episode, a few days ago, and I thought it was really fucking good. I really appreciate it, man.

Thank you, dude. If your listeners haven't gone over yet, that's going to mean nothing to them, but whatever. Mercy now. No, I fucking appreciate it. Yeah. All right. Well, that's the show, guys. Fuck everything.

God is dead. God is dead.