Mean Boys - EP 213 - Pancake Baby Oil (feat. Ope & Ramsey Badawi)

Episode Date: October 12, 2019

Editor's note: Sorry for the audio issues on this episode, we had a bad cord/mic and we will get it fixed before we record next. Come to the last show at the Pacquiao Palace: https://www.facebook.com/events/461098034494265/ Listen to Tom's new podcast Leaving The Tribe: http://soundcloud.com/user-754160303 Get a Mean Boys Ramones shirt: meanboyspodcast.com/merch Download the Himalaya app and follow Mean Boys: itunes.apple.com/us/app/himalaya-…d1275493456?mt=8 Fill out our tour sheet and get on our mailing list: bit.ly/2vZBsQV Support the show on Patreon: patreon.com/meanboys Enjoy our new Discord server: discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the new Mean Boys subreddit: reddit.com/r/meanboys Subscribe to our YouTube channel: youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow our guest Ope: twitter.com/swankyopey Follow our guest Ramsey: twitter.com/ramsbad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, Mean Boys Podcast on the road to doom. Yep. One of our final episodes. Dead pod walking. We're recording one of the rare, I think, handful of times we've ever done this, recording not in the Pacquiao Palace. Unless we're on the road. Yeah, not often, but we're in Keith and Tom's new apartment here in beautiful Hollywood, California.

Yeah, doing what even I am offended by, which is the three of us are talking into microphones being goofy fart boys while my girlfriend puts furniture together. I've never felt like more of a piece of shit worthless man. Well, we asked the guy in the lobby and he said that she does look the most like the drawing in the IKEA instructions. So it had to be her.

But yeah, we got a real fun one this time uh ramsay and opie yeah yeah back to do one last ride episode i mean the show favorites we're we keep giving them to you guys and here's the thing i was gonna say this is ramsay's final appearance but that's not totally true because he will be at the live the live uh halamine on the 26th okay yeah he's teased some ominous plan that I don't know about. Yeah, he said it's illegal, so it's probably going to be pretty funny and pretty inconvenient to me, I'm guessing. I had to sincerely tell him not to implicate me in any more crimes, and he said, nah, this one's on the Ramdog LLC. Okay.

His exact quote. I don't want to have a thing open to my name, too. Look, I can't. Maybe he'll have a don't want to have a thing open to my name, too. Look, I can't... Maybe he'll have a booth where he'll open a fake charity in your name. Yeah, Grid Destroyers and Ramsey Vitalik. I cannot fiscally handle a Ramsey practical joke. I don't have an extra couple grand for legal fees. That would be Tom landing on Boardwalk and Monopoly right now.

Yeah, it really would. But here's the thing. If the IRS came after my $7, I would have been fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. If they come at me now, I could be in a lot of trouble. Yeah. The point is, Ramsey's doing something.

Yeah, Ramsey's doing something. We had to get the boys back in for one more romp. And, yeah, it's the last time we were all ever in that room together, for sure, because I'm moving out and Opie lives in New York now. So, yeah, it's the end of an era, all of us hanging out in that bedroom. Yeah, but the last Mean Boys ride at the Pack Palace will be October 26th. How mean. That's right.

A shocking amount of you guys are SVP. Okay. If you come, be cool. Yeah. Please. We've been told to tell you to be cool if you're coming from out of state some of you have already hit me up and you're seriously coming from out of state do me a favor once you have your plane tickets and you know for sure you're coming email me my email is keithcarrycomedy at gmail.com i want a tally of how many of you guys there are because you guys are first priority for all the goofy bullshit.

Yeah, and depending on who you are, you might be able to crash with me. And if I get couches and shit set up by then. But, yeah, I mean, if you need a spot to crash, I might be able to help out. I'll just preemptively tell you, none of you are crashing. Okay. Well, I don't know. People, you know, we know. No, I know.

That's fine. Yeah. Like a short bus Murphy. I'm not worried about him. No, yeah, no. Short bus. Short bus. Short bus. Short bus. Short bus.

Yeah, but you know. Actually, no, we Skyped with him for over an hour. He showed us his bongos. I trust him. That's knowing someone better than most of the people we've invited into our house. That's true. I know him at least as well as I know Joe the Roses. Yeah, fair enough.

I like him considerably more now. Yeah. And he's done a lot for the show. If you're coming back, show me an email. We'll see what we can do to help get you guys set up. Yeah. Oh, shit, there's already bugs in your apartment. This is one of the trash cans.

Oh, yeah. We've had a couple of cockroaches happening. I hope they all hitched a ride over from us. I hope that your moving boxes were like the Noah's Ark of bug life to this building. These are new and exciting

villains for me to fucking take down. Oh, yeah, roaches. I mean, we've mostly dealt with the common North American ant. Oh, there's a hilarious about a roach

is at the pack house. That's true, yeah. I never saw a lot of them. Oh. Where do you shit? Oh, now you know hilarious about a roach is at the pack. That's true. Yeah. I never saw a lot of them. Oh, where do you shit? Now you know how to do a Tim Allen impression. All right. Well, fucking. Oh, yeah.

No, we should say on the but the Patreon is now the leaving the tribe. Yes. If anybody missed what's going down, it's officially switched over. It is leaving the tribe. Yeah. Patreon. That said, every Mean Boys bonus episode is currently there. It's officially switched over. It is leaving the tribe. That said, every Mean Boys bonus episode is currently

there. We'll see you there. It will always be there. Currently, trying to figure out by the next episode, I will let you know exactly what the plan is. Trying to figure things out with recording. I'm in the middle of moving. I've slept seven hours

since Sunday night. Tom is very wet and very serious right now. Tom is wet and I don't think he took a shower. I did take a shower. I took a shower and got drier. Tom is gravity defyingly tired. Yeah, I really

am. He looks like his pizza place is closing. With the mustache. Torpedo powerless. Yeah. If you're on the Patreon already, hang out. Tom's going to be doing

a lot of really great stuff. Yes. You know, Tom's talked about it's going to be a lot more comedy stuff in the Patreon bonus area. Hey, we live in the same building. I'll be on it all the time,

you know, if that'll keep you around. Yeah, we'll swing by Whatever Whatever you want to do You know Just forward Welcome to my new co-host

Of the show Asterisks I don't get it Like as a disclaimer Like if it helps you stay I will technically be part of the thing If I don't have a thing Yeah

Every time I try to do something nice or say something nice twist it around by pointing out the accuracy of what I said no I just said I was

I was making a joke man no I know yeah anything else we gotta talk about here um I don't know

I don't think so I would say Reddit and Discord, but you guys are already there if you're going to be there. Yeah, you're already... Did you guys see the hive of activity in the Discord?

Oh, yeah, and I appreciate it. There was... My girlfriend did an AMA on Discord. That was a lot of fun. I also see types like you. What? She had a few typos, and I was like, aw.

Don't insult the lady like that. Yeah, yeah. We started drinking. That might have been it. Her drinking is me sober. Well, and I was like, aw. Don't insult the lady like that. Yeah, yeah. We started drinking. That might have been it. Her drinking is me sober. Well, yeah, you also drunk text. Most people are drunk, and they look, and they go, oh, no, that was supposed to be that. Tom will just send you hieroglyphics.

I never did a second draft on any essay. I'm not doing it on a text either. Fair enough, Tom. C-minus count. There we go. There we go. There we go. All right. Hey, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast.

You don't believe in death until you feel the decay. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Ramsey Bedali. And I'm... A Jamaican bartender. How you doing, man?

What can I get for you? Cool points! Since this is the last episode we'll ever do with you guys, I had one for Ramsey. We're going to fake it. Welcome to Mean Boys. Something is tipping. I'm Keith Carey.

Tom Goss. Nope, it was supposed to be on you. Just do what you want. Here to sell you an exciting timeshare opportunity at the Red Bull factory. We split the difference between employment and residency. They say the nets are to prevent suicides, but they're also for sleeping. Think of it as a hammock you can't die in.

Dude, the Red Bull Factory is one story. You couldn't jump off the roof. You'd have to aim pretty good. The Red Bull Factory is one story, and that story is once upon a time, government took my baby. I was on food stamps recently. So, Rams.

So, Rams, I heard you on food stamps recently. I was on food stamps recently, and I did purchase Red Bull using them, and I thought to myself, wow, I am so mad at myself. I used to do that every day. It is a loophole nobody knows about. Yeah, you can buy all kinds of dumb shit on food stamps. Yeah, what's wrong with that?

I don't know. I feel like if you're unemployed, you don't need to be getting jacked up like that. Yeah, you don't have a job sapping your precious energy. You need all that energy to sit on the couch. The government's giving you wings. Don't worry about it. I do miss those times where it's like, man, I need to be wide awake so I can not do anything to better my life. I want to be focused on how much I'm not looking for a job.

Just my legs have not been still in fucking months. Just the amount of red bull compounding. I saw Ramsey buy an energy drink on the way over here, and you ripped the label off. So now you're just drinking a can of spray paint. You're drinking malt liquor in a movie, and they had to use a non-descriptive. Where did you get it from? Bender? I can only describe this as dog food canned silver. Oh, man.

I would love the sketchy paint for when people like you move into their first house and you name all the colors. This is cigarette teeth brown. This is soon to be repossessed purple. This is amber alert red. Lay away lilac is a great color. Lay away lilac. Fuck, man.

The last time. Probably the last time we'll all be in this room together. Man. To be honest. It's been. Maybe. I mean, we'll come back when we buy this place and watch felony fights one more time. Yeah.

Just to bring it back. Are you going to try to buy the whole neighborhood block by block? Piece by piece. Pull a Nipsey Hussle on historic Filipino town? When we do the live show here, we should just have a screening before of every dumb YouTube video we've referenced too many times on this show. Oh, yeah. That would be fun. Here's Felony Fights.

Here's the fucking plastic chair guy. Heel Houser. Heel Houser. Heel Houser. Oh, Heel Jules. Heel Jules. Oh, I saw a guy who was doing a newer version of Heel Houser. I gotta borrow this name. That's like...

Heel Condor. Heel Houser. Heel Houser. I know Heel Low Income Houser. I feel like New Houser is what your dad who who's never seen The Simpsons, thinks Milhouse is. No, Huelo Income Houser goes to the projects. We're here with Corn Pop, who's cooking up a plate of methamphetamine in his grandmother's bakeware. That's right.

That's right. You call that a shake? It's a good time. It's called a shake? That's right. It is a shake. So, Corn, I understand that it's impossible to escape this neighborhood. Why is that?

I will second you. Now, hold on. There's a dog smoking a menthol over here. You're saying these dogs are playing poker? Oh, I'm sorry. It's called dice here. Did somebody say dice? Oh!

Jinx, you owe me a whore! I've never been here for any of that. I like when Keith laughs like Michael Jackson. When you really get up there. It's nice. Oh, Shimon. I'm pretty deep in Connor's closet right now,

so every time I laugh, I whip my head back and it's like I'm going through the world's worst car wash. You're like, how the fuck I podcasted my way to Narnia. You're getting your head brushed by some straight-up windbreakers back there. The wind's getting busted. Busted. Bust wind. Fuck, man.

Have you been on since you became famous and rich with the JFLs? Are you talking about me? Oh, you're talking about me. Sorry, I wasn't sure who you were talking to. No, I think I have been on. Okay. It's been a whirlwind.

Yeah, you guys want to let the listeners know what you guys are doing? Because people want closure. They're invested in our lives. They're maybe just like, what's Ramsey's life look like now?

He moved out of the Pac-Pal like a year ago now. This is the episode of Breaking Bad where it's the last time you see Bill Burr and the Fat Black guy. Oh, shit!

Yo! Is that when we're laying on the money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are laying on your money. Dude, I fucking love that song. Money, money, money, money, money. The fucking Breaking Bad money song. You better hope I never have access to Opie's money.

I'm going to register so many nuns. Dude, I literally am like... I'm going to have to talk to an accountant soon about other things, and I know I'm going to have to bring it up to another adult, and they're going to be so mad at me. I would absolutely bring it up.

Do not go without an organizational chart. You really need to have an organizational chart. You still haven't named a board of directors. I'm whittling away time until I accidentally send you to prison. I mean, dude, when I first heard... You're right, the government loves when you commit tax fraud.

They can't get enough of that shit. The other thing the government loves is bits. They're really into a funny, anti-comedy bit. Your Honor, I'd like to plead waka waka in the first degree. I'm going to tell you a little something right now, buddy. Judges are hilarious. Haven't you ever seen those gangbangers selling candy outside the 99 cent store? True.

What do you think that is? That's a cork. Oh, you think that's a creative judge? I think it's a hilarious judge. You're talking into the side of the microphone. Oh, shoot. I'm pulling an open. You're side-armed like a bad guy with a weapon.

I know. You guys don't hold guns the right way. You don't hold microphones the right way. Well, you know. I mean, that's how Chris Rock does it. This is Glenn Danzig. He holds it inverted. Yeah.

He's just fucking fat as shit. He needs all his muscle feng shui to push the devil out of his fat. Oh, yeah, because then he can push his gut in with his elbow. You're not going to have

to explain to Opie who Glenn Danzig is. Yeah, I don't know who that is. It's the whitest dude. You're never going to have to know who this motherfucker is. Yeah.

No. I didn't know they took me to see him and he's just a lot. Let's put it this way. He's just... Mass-wise or... Both.

Let's put it this way. You're at no comp-wise? Let's put it this way. You're at no risk of being advertised to with Clint Danvers. This is a real gated community of a band. I kind of want to see it. It's the Misfits. You ever hear the Misfits? Yeah, I know the Misfits. He's the singer of the Misfits.

Oh, so he's so fat now. He got real fat and hilarious. Not insanely fat, but he's just like fat dad fat, you know? Yeah. He looks like a fat vampire. So I just went to Ramsey's apartment. You're living with Paige now. Yeah.

It's funny. I was saying to Paige, and we talked about this on the show before, I think, but there's a very clear delineation between your books and Paige's books. Illustrated children's poetry, Ayn Rand. Harry Potter, Jordan Peterson. Paige loves libertarianism. I don't know what to say, dude. She's a radical individualist.

No, man, it's been good. I look forward to visiting you guys. I think you guys are moving closer to my side of town, right? Like, everybody's sort of having their own. You guys are going to be right by me. Me and Jordan are moving right down the block. You guys are moving closer to my side of town, right? Like, everybody's sort of having their own. You guys are going to be right by me. Me and Jordan are moving. Yeah, Jordan and Tom are moving, like, right down the block.

You guys are moving out of here? Yeah. I didn't know that. I think you said that on the podcast. Oh, yeah. I thought I mentioned it, but, yeah, me and Tom are officially moving out of the pack. Oh, that's... Yeah.

What are you doing, man? I got to find a spot. Yeah? Yeah. You got an exclusive? Do you want my room? In your house? Yeah, I'm moving to New York.

Oh, are you really? Wait, what? Yeah. Wait, what Yeah, I'm moving to New York. Oh, are you really? Wait, what? What? Maybe Saturday. What? What? This was when Connor was like, so you didn't tell us? What the fuck is happening, life?

This is like, everything is happening. Another turn in for a fork stuck in the road. It's really funny. Okay, okay, okay. Is that the Friends song? I don't know. You just did the white pop version of the fusion dance. What's going on in New York?

Is it something you can't say? There's a show. Phoebe Robinson's attached. That's the most I can say about it. That's awesome, man. You're working on it? I am going to be working on it. Oh, congratulations, bro.

The deal is still working out, but it looks like Saturday I'm working on it. That's fucking crazy, dude. Wow. Damn. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe, we'll see. Yeah, maybe I'll take your room.

Yeah, if you want it. It's a cool spot. It's a nice spot. Yeah, not far from here. Not far. My man. I was thinking about staying out here, but I want to be close to the boys. I want to be in the mix.

Yeah, dude. Come to Hollywood and fucking scumbag out with us. I want to be in the mix. Yeah, dude. That's Hollywood. Fucking scumbag out with us. I know, it'd be fun. Come to our Tollywood. If I ever... Dude, if you ever need like an iguana watched

or something... You didn't have to do it. I'll come over. There's the finale. The third best reptile observer in all of the great Hollywood areas. You moved out.

Were you trying to convince us to keep a reptile? Oh, look, I forgot. I'm sorry, hold on. We've got to re-litigate this one more time. Yeah, I forgot about Ravensweep, but now he's home for wayward toads. It's either this or be like fucking steamrolled

by the crushing wave of change that's coming over me. Yeah, seriously. Let's hear about the funds, buddy. Yeah, tell me about it. Let me tell you guys about what you did was you walked away from an opportunity. So that's what we're doing right now. An opportunity to make $700 a month of passive income.

All you had to do was store 16 reptiles. That's so many reptiles. You wanted to turn our house into a whorehouse for iguanas and snakes. You wanted to pimp out boa constrictors to elementary schools. Bro, I wanted you to take advantage of the booming economy. The booming reptile economy. In Trump's America, the reptile market is through the roof. We're talking huge salamander growth.

Six postmates shifts per month to live with a fucking snake 16 of them bro I have an uncle who works in heating lamps this fucking guy is a billionaire he just got the big golden corral contract he's Arab so he's Arab so it just has him in the apartment to make it feel like home

well it's hard with an Arab heating lamp because a genie comes out and burns his hand on the top. You can't. Buddy, don't rub the lamp. No, no, no. A very hot genie comes out and there's a whole thing. He says he has wishes. Don't listen to him. Oh, no.

My money. That's my favorite guy. It's the genie Will Smith this time. And I, woo-woo. The genie works at a bodega in Manhattan. In the Middle East, if you want to spray Axe, you just rub the thing. A genie to Axe bottles? What's up, bro?

I got three wishes for you, bro. That genie is Ramsey. It's me or DJ Khaled. Fuck. And another wish. I wish you'd eat my pussy. Another wish. Try again later.

That's a magic eight ball DJ Khaled Runs off into the fucking woods The famous woods of Arabia DJ Khaled can only say his own name like a Pokemon That's what I like about him If you give me the Thunderstone I evolve into DJ Khaled We were talking on the patio I was asking Opie if he ever gets a Nigerian prince email

that seems credible. You know, I did have an uncle named, Nigerian name. I only know Opie Emi. And I guess, there's no guess you can make that's not going to be a problem.

I was about to say another name, but I realized that guy's Ethiopian. And I was like, yeah, Benny. I thought it was a bunch of names, but they're all from the cast of The Lion King. I did have an Aunt Simba.

I always feel like I know a Nigerian name when I see one. I feel like they're very distinctive. There's some W's in there usually. You know what I mean? My head has no W's in it. There's a Y somewhere. Opie's name is every letter twice but W. There's like 14 O's.

But you know what I mean? Like, there is like a thing where you can be like, this is a Nigerian line. Well, like, I feel like Nigerians, when it comes to the alphabet, they're like a Hasidic meek, like, you know what I'm talking about? Like a halal, like, meter. What's the word I'm looking for? Butcher? Butcher.

I said meter. Meter. Like, you know, you can only use certain parts of the animal. You guys are Jews about the alphabet? Let me check your Hasidic meter. Oh my god, it's through the roof.

Oh my god. You start spinning. Let me get out my fucking counter. It's Hasidic Jewish music. I know. Yeah.

Continue. That's pretty much it. You made no point. No, I'm saying that like that's how they treat the alphabet. Like we use much it. You made no point. No, I'm saying that like that's how they treat the alphabet. Like we only use certain parts. Oh, okay. I missed that part. Oh, okay.

Now I understand what you're saying. Yeah. Well, that was worth it. All right. Well, that's a name point. I thought you said that's how we use the alphabet, but I thought you were still talking about the Jews. Well, we let the Jews pick our names.

Is the dollar sign in the alphabet? That's just an important question to bring up. It's definitely just a fancy S. The entire time you follow ASAP Rocky, he's just a very religious Jewish man. You can actually double capitalize certain letters. Yeah, it's called a phlegm out. You put the lines through. The at sign is double capital A. The at sign is double capital A.

The dollar sign is double capital S. I can't get into double capital N. That's the black Santa emoji. Which, for some reason, my mom sends me with every text. I don't know why exactly. The fucking... The colored emojis,

I feel like, are mostly used by white people. I would assume so. Yeah feel like are mostly used by white people. I would assume so. Yeah, like they're mostly white people. I use them, but whenever something like. Like the black emoji? I don't like it when somebody. When you say colored, do you mean like yellow or colored?

I think it is. I don't like it when like a girl will send me like me and then her. And I'm like, I don't know if you can use me. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you on this one. I'm on. Oh, okay. I'm on black text. Yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, I feel like it don't know if you can use me yeah yeah I'm with you on this one oh okay yeah yeah it's like hey I yeah it feels like I wouldn't I wouldn't say oh

could you give me a hand with this writing sample and then a black hand yeah I'm like that's weird I've had a couple girls do that I'm like I don't know if you can if you can although this argument doesn't work the other way if I'm just like stay away from the white man's dancing lady

like that is our Although this argument doesn't work the other way. If I'm just like, stay away from the white man's dancing lady. That is our least assumed scene in a margarita dress. The colored emojis need to be off our keyboard. Why do you have to scroll all the way to the right to select the black one? You're making the black emoji sit in the back. It is redlining all over again. Yeah. It's fucked up.

You ever see the redline anime? Oh, I did. It was fucking great. I didn't like it. It was just like the cars go fast. The visuals is what really was selling it because it was like the first anime in like 4K. There can't be anyone else who does what you guys are talking about. They definitely know. Your fans?

Yeah, absolutely. They definitely know. Yeah, what are you talking about? I don't know most of those words. And I know a lot of them. I know the word like there's a no-no, but that's about it. It's a huge visual spectacle. I think that was the whole...

It's like a prophet who's like illiterate. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like people follow you, but you don't know what they're talking about. I got the commandments. This one's a drawing of a goose. I'll get back to that. Next commandment. the angry lines. Don't do that. Third commandment.

Okay, that's actually barbecue sauce. No ketchup. We're all jazzed up. Should we get into the fucking joke-off? Aye, so topical. Let's do it, boys. Jokes? I don't think I wrote.

Maybe I have enough left. You want to do like five jokes about M&M's, Opie? Sure. I wrote the three. You're our chocolate correspondent. This is the only way I'm going to say that. I'll start it and we'll loop a counter clock back to O, so he has time to figure out the M&M's thing. A couple is dead after falling off a three-story balcony while having sex, but at least they got to go down on each other one more time.

Opie, what's your email? Oh, Ola, okay. Oh, well, you want to put it on the podcast? Hey, Opie, kick this Scrabble board over. Fucking for real, yeah. You want to put it on the podcast? Hey, Obi, kick this Scrabble board over. Fucking for real, dude. Obi, if you were funny, you would have an email address that was like PrinceHakim at Gmail. PrinceHakim? Hakim is the funniest black name.

It's the funniest black name. It's actually an Arabic name, but, you know. Yeah, but we took it. That's straight up our debut. That's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. We didn't even fight him. Kareem is a black name now, too. Kareem and Akeem.

We just took the Keems. There's a certain point where a name just becomes black and it's no longer Akeem. It's no longer... You would take Tetsuo, too, if it wasn't for... If there was a name draft, you'd be like, We got Akira. We got Tetsuo. We got Gohan. We got Goku. Go got Goten, we got Gotenks.

We come with all the goals. One day, God bless America, God damn America. Just one day, a black grandma on a porch somewhere is going, Vegeta, get your ass in the house. As a former Buddhist, I got in the comedy to get away from Asian stuff. All right. An NYPD officer was charged for having sex with a 12-year-old, making this the first time a young white child was shot unarmed in the face by police. Oh, yuck.

Oh, boy. I just read these. These are great. Oh, thanks. Well, guys, I've been coming on the Mean Boys podcast for a preamble. Oh, yeah. I picked Ramsey up, and he's like, dude, every time we do Mean Boys, I come up with a creative way to get out of doing it. And he's like, I won't spoil it.

But it's pretty good. 30% of the sentences you start, and this is one of them, start like you should be saying, Your Honor! Oh, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, Keith, that is so fucking funny. Well, as many of you know, as many of the listeners know, I've been coming on for quite a long time, and one of the things I don't think I was recognized for during my tenure here at the Mean Boys...

Was your exceptional skills as our fake producer for the first five episodes? Where you did push-ups outside the window while the show sounded bad? Well, I was working out. Whoa, dude. Why are we wearing that dirty laundry? Well, at that time, I was going through some stuff.

Dude, when you're doing push-ups outside that window, you're doing push-ups into, like, dryer lint soaked in AIDS. Well, you're just trying to push the earth away from you. You're the only person who lives like they're in AIDS well you're just trying to push you know you're trying to push the earth away from you you're the only person who lives

like they're in jail and you've never been to jail I have tattoos I can't explain that are unrelated I'm uncricking why are like

I legitimately it's so funny like people have a phase where you had a tattoo phase where you got really into it for two months yeah Ramsey you do have

like the energy of a snitch let me tell you something first of all buddy thank you it's something You got really into it for two months. Yeah. Ramsey, you do have, like, the energy of a snitch. Let me tell you something. First of all, buddy, thank you. It's something I've been working for my whole life. Ramsey's just in his cell with, like, a knife and fork, eating a nice, like, lemon crust and chicken breast. And he's like, it worked out okay.

You're the guy who narcs on everybody in the Matrix. Oh, shit. You're like, look, I just want to be rich, important, and not remember any of this. You're so goddamn lucky my bootleg copy of The Matrix cut out before it got to that part. I don't know what it means.

I didn't mean to cut you off on your... Yeah, yeah. What were you recognized for? Well, one of the things I was not recognized for was my phenomenal, I think, joke-offs.

Okay. Okay. So today I'd like to present to you guys the best of my joke-offs. Okay. So, today I'd like to present to you guys the best of my joke-offs. Oh, boy. Now, this episode, this is from episode 19.

By the way, can we, like, have some music playing underneath this, please? We'll throw in the sad, incredible Hulk piano. Yeah, yeah. We did this one with Omid Singh, and I was really nervous to be on the air with you guys. You know what I mean? You could really hear it.

Was this your first appearance? Like, first actual episode? First ever appearance. Okay. Me and Omid came on, and you guys were doing your thing, and I was feeling really – I think I was intimidated around you guys, to be completely honest with you. But then I wrote this joke, and it really clicked in with you guys. I wanted to like to reshare it with the Mean Boys fans.

Okay, here's the joke. The New York Museum of Sex just unveiled a clitoris exhibit. Incidentally, the Sub-Saharan African Museum of Sex just removed theirs with a machete. I remember this. And when I wrote this joke, I thought to myself, I could be a Mean Boy. I could do this. And that girl was me. We're going to dub in the piano music for every joke.

All right, guys. A student accepted a gender-neutral homecoming title, and they are so honored to be crowned homecoming thing. It was really sweet. I didn't have time. We had to go get microphones. These are all stuff I wrote for David Spade earlier. That's a good joke.

You burped through the punchline. I did eat a whole pizza. M&M's are the most popular. Wait, hold on. Set this up. Why are you doing M&M's? Why am I doing M&M's? Because I emailed them to you.

Because Connor emailed me M&M's. I got some Garfield shit for you too. Send me the Garfield one. We're sending you a packet. And I'm going to use them for my next submission. At the end of it, Connor's going to ask you

for a job, Opie. Feel free to punch these up. I gave you a great bit outside already. Coming to Netflix this summer, Opie. And then you show up. Man, why you don't like Monday?

It doesn't say Opie, it says Odie. Opie is the mayor of Garfield town. Live from Nepal. You throw it out of the crate like a male. They're like, normal? Fuck, where's my Garfield material? I had a surplus of this shit. All right, here it is.

M&Ms are the most popular Halloween candy in the U.S. Coming in dead last, the racist is. M&M's are the most popular Halloween candy in the US. Coming in dev last, the racist version, N&N's. And it says, Shane Gillis liked those. So funny. His favorite candy.

Yeah, I eat those and then I pick out the yellow M&M's and throw those in the trash. Shane Gillis' SNL writer leaked. Alright. An 11-month-old baby overdosed on heroin. They're making a movie Shane Gillis' SNL writer leaked. All right. An 11-month-old baby overdosed on heroin.

They're making a movie about the story called Thomas the Tank Engine Spotting. That's a train they like. Yeah. Those are the exact jokes I'm going to miss. Yeah. Stuff like this, guys. Hey, I'll still be thumbing it in in other capacities. Just because I'm quitting this show doesn't mean I'm quitting being a lame hack. I'm trying to make this as sentimental as possible, guys. Look, hey, I'll still be thumbing it in in other capacities. Just because I'm quitting this show doesn't mean I'm quitting being a lame hack.

I'm trying to make this as sentimental as possible, guys. That's going to be my goal for the end. We're pushing back. We'll cry at the end. You know what? Dude, man, I'm fucking... It's an emotional rollercoaster, bro. It's good.

I'm coming right for your jugulars. I'm going to make it nostalgic, too. I'm going to do some of my favorite jokes that I've heard on Mean Boys. They actually just opened a clip museum, but weirdly, the Sub-Saharan Division just removed theirs with a machine. You're doing my jokes right now? Ah, that was perfect.

I'm not going to let Tom take this joke. I'm not going to do my joke. Are you doing your joke? I don't know if I should. Your comedic instincts kicked in and you were like, fuck, I don't know if I'm going to top that.

All right, Tom, you pass. What's that? Do you want to do the joke or not? I'll do a joke. Yeah. A Florida teenager with Down syndrome asked his Down syndrome

girlfriend at the homecoming, all of America's wishing them luck on being a couple for the next nine years of their life. You weren't going to do that? Fuck, dude. That's amazing. It's an incredible joke. That's a fucking home run. Dude, like, it was funny.

With all the, like, comedy PC stuff, I have been thinking, it's like, there are people, you do kind of just joke about what you grew up around, and I think all the Mean Boys grew up around a lot of violence, racism, and retarded people. 100%. They were, I had those in spades my whole childhood. It's literally why I'm always like, it's why I'm always, whenever people are like, rich, white, and powerful, I'm like, dude, Keith and i grew up around some white non-powerful people oh yeah those people fucking are all of that we grew up around the white guys we hit the double zero on the

fucking roulette table of privilege dude just fucking the worst yeah yeah so like that's why it's like i'm i'm so comfortable in that zone yeah you're Oh, I'm up. You guys actually taught me racist humor. I didn't really know that. I was Ontario or whatever. It was like everyone was cool with everybody. So it was all friendly racism between

buddies. That's always kind of my understanding of it, too. It was just poor people entertaining each other. Yeah, we would all just be racist with each other but the white people wouldn't say shit though. There weren't a lot of white people around.

When I started doing comedy, that's when I really learned a lot of shit. Before I met you two, I was so not racist I couldn't even see my own color. That's how.

This is from episode 19 as well. I was on fire for that episode. Right. I feel like you're just going to do your joke off from that episode. I was going to listen to all of them, but I just listened to the first one. I just listened to the first one.

That was the joke. Being transgender will soon no longer be considered a mental illness in the country of Denmark. According to a local government official, it is now considered a public nuisance. That's one of my favorite jokes. I just re-listened to this episode, too.

I just re-listened to this episode, too. Oh, fuck. God, that's a good joke. That's so good. I remember that one. That one sticks with me. I think about it every once in a while. Oh, man. That's such a good joke. That's fucking incredible.

Damn. I'm a rock star right now. Damn, I gotta follow the best of Ramsey Bedard, which is my regular album cuts. It ends pretty soon. I promise you. All right. Well, guys, the New York mansion that was declared legally haunted is on the market for $1.9 million.

Even though he's dead, you still gotta be rich to hang out with Jeffrey Epstein. His ghost is bougie. Is it me? Yeah, yeah. Okay, M&M's are the most popular Halloween candy in the U.S. Coming in dead last again this year, bees. Bees.

Bees. Yo. What if Opie was a bee? bees bees yo what if Opie was a bee yeah that's comedy gold to me picturing of Opie as a bee well dude this is a man who literally we sat down in a writing session

he's like I just thought it would be really funny to do an act out of rolling a gondola. What do we have on that? Just sitting there looking at you like, I don't know. Obi's entire life has been approaching us like we're his writer's room. But we get into it. So it's always like, boys, I'd love to do an act out with a crab. That's another one. The crab saga.

Dude, when we're all in the kitchen yelling at each other as crabs. How did I get into it? We're like, let's do it now. Maybe you're like a crab and you want to get away from a girl. I'm a cool crab. Man. I love you guys so much. It's palpable.

Stranger Things was renewed for a fourth season. This year, Millie Bobby Brown will be hunted by the most persistent monster yet. Horny Drake. Stranger Things was renewed for a fourth season. This year, Millie Bobby Brown will be hunted by the most persistent monster yet, Horny Drake. Oh, man. That's when Drake levels up. Four people escaped out of an Ohio prison. Sorry, correction.

Four people moved out of the state of Ohio. Like it's American-Australian. It kind of is. Tom did that bit like he had an earpiece for the producer. Correction. Breaking news, the end of this joke. Stop. M&M's the most popular candy.

Stop. B, stop. This is a joke. This comes from the – this is from episode 41 of the Mean Boy Podcast. Oh, jumping around. I was actually – this is when the podcast was in the dining room. Okay. I do. The era of MP.

We moved from the basement to the dining room. I feel like that was – I still hadn't been on the show yet, but people had heard of me washing the dishes. Yes. But that was pretty angry that they were washing it. exactly that would be happening or there would be a lot of my girlfriend being like can you just tell them to maybe not tonight i'm sorry we don't respect anyone that's what i told if i'm quiet it's because i'm writing opi two more eminem jokes she would be like can't you tell them to keep it down? And I would pop out headphones. Like, what's up?

You just learn to deal with it. You're like, I could just go to sleep and then you put on another episode of me. There's nothing funnier than when I'd walk out and see Paige or whatever and I'd just be like, I'm sorry. Fucking everything. Alright, so that was during that period.

It was great. I was really, really working my way into becoming a regular on the main voice. Didn't you work your way out of becoming a regular? You were the producer at the beginning of the show. I did. I had to work pretty hard to get out of it. You did. This is like your second late night

appearance. This is a big deal for you. You want to show the height of your head? Anyone can do it once. Do it twice. That's when you go over to the couch with Johnny. For sure. Or on the bed with Tom. There's a subsection of joke-offs I do that are jokes only Ramsey can do.

Right. This is one of my particular favorite ones. It goes a little something like this. Whimsical sound effects. All right, music, play it again. A Los Angeles mosque is reported receiving several hate letters from white supremacist groups. something like this. Whimsical sound effects. All right, music playing again. A Los Angeles mosque is reported receiving several hate letters from white supremacist groups. An imam at the local mosque has said, these were some of the most hateful things I've

ever read since I actually read the Koran. Fuck yeah. Oh, man. That's spicy shit, my dude. All right, I ran out of M&M jokes, so you get one about raccoons. Okay. Uh-oh. About the animal, the raccoons.

Do you guys know Bill Maher? Can you guys get him? No, I've seen him on TV. Fuck. That was so funny It changed a lot of my mind You tonic the hedgehog Hit him Exactly I had $23

In my pocket Ramsey just blinked And shrunk like Mario And it's a whole thing Oh my god What do you got Connor Alright A Siegfried and Roy

Biopic is in the works They're gonna take out all the stuff about being gay and tigers And just focus on the music When they performed at Live Age There it is I could have just said that about Queen Live Feline Age Oh yeah

M&M's are the most popular Halloween candy in the U.S. In France, it's Skittles. You know why. Wait, did you skip the one about Kit Kats? Oh, yeah, I'll read that one. You got that next. There's one after that with the International Raccoon one. Hundreds of young men were saved

from a torture house in Nigeria. It's the biggest human rights victory for a Nigerian since Opie moved out of the Pac-Man. Wait, what happened? There was some crazy house where they were torturing all these boys and dudes. In Nigeria? In Nigeria? In Nigeria. Oh, man.

Like hundreds of them. Couldn't you just have taken that shit across the border? What's next to Nigeria? I feel like they're just calling a torture when they just give the appropriate name, school, you know what I mean? It was terrible. They made us freak. It was so funny when your mom came to the house

and she's like, we didn't leave Africa for you to live like this. She was like, Opie, I want a better view of America. You left Africa and somehow you ended up in bad Asia. Moves directly into the Filipino drug slums. Robots Asia, like fucked up shit Asia.

Yeah, these Asians have tattoos. That's how you signify they're bad guys in movies. If you've got tattoos, you can only play a bad guy. If you're an Asian guy and they want you to know he's a bad guy, you'll always notice tattoos are on you. A hundred percent, yeah. Interesting. No, that's true. It is me.

A man ran over a pedestrian and killed him because the pedestrian looked at him threateningly at a red light. The man has apologized for murdering Scott Cyclops Stevens. It's an X-Men joke. His last name's Summers. Yeah.

Yeah. Now he just sounds like a really bad football player. Worst vision in the league. You can throw the ball far, just you don't know where it's ending up. It's fucked up. I even Googled to make sure I had the right one. I saw it was Summers and wrote down Steven. Scott Stevens is a hockey player. He's the one that wrote Paul Carew's career.

Is that the one you were telling me it was only I was going to get? Yeah, but I said the wrong name. Fuck. All right, Ryan's bad. All right, guys, this is from episode 170. Big jump from 42 a few weeks ago. This is from 182, and this is one of my favorite jokes

I ever got to... I think it really solidifies a great point in Mean Boys history. You guys were rocking you were rolling you would hit some recent Patreon goals and

I feel like we were all just in a group as friends back at that time and I think I think fondly of it okay not like now

well yeah things have changed I um some of you might know this joke So don't ruin the punchline An Arizona lawmaker Has proposed

A $20 tax On porn to build the wall I've heard of border security But boner security Yeah For those who's at home Keep that Keep the fucking

Sort of rubbing The lip liner around Like it was a concert Which I appreciate it Those green beetles Flew over his head Like they were the fucking The green angels

Yeah you're up bud Sounds like a gang In the block Fuck Okay Too short Just became a father Fuck, okay Too short, just became a father At the age of 53 Makes sense, blow the whistle is pretty much just baby shark For adults

Kind of is Yeah, you're right Dude, I'm fucking, there was a symphony hall The symphony hall in Long Beach I was passing by, it was like The London Quartet fucking Fancy Pants Orchestra.

And then the next slide was live Baby Shark. And you know, there's one violin player who's like, I wonder if I could do two nights of I Want Baby Shark.

Dude, I want to start like a dad rock band just so we could be called the Thrill Harmonic. Oh my God. That's my dad is for sure working on that. Oh, Jesus.

All right, Opie. M&M's are the most popular Halloween candy in the U.S. Kit Kats just fire their agent. No, you got to do like an act out on the phone with Kit Kats. Give me a break. Should I say the last one too? No, we'll do it. You ever been on the show before?

I didn't know it was six. I thought it was five. It's five. No, it's five. Massachusetts has banned sales of vape products. Massachusetts says vaping is dangerous, highly addictive, and wicked fucking queer, kid. A woman who live-streamed her DUI crash that killed her sister was released after 29 months in prison. The woman claimed that it was enough time to make three new sisters, so what's the uproar?

For my fifth joke, I was just going to say that I didn't write a fifth joke. Because I didn't know that you guys do five jokes. And that has been a recurring theme on every episode that I've done. Are you serious? A huge super cut of me going, how many jokes do you guys do? Oh, and it's you always, you never? And I'm in 30 episodes deep. And I'm literally going, do you guys do three jokes?

And he goes like, it's five. Every single time. Wow. That's like when they set out a table for the POWs at the VFW. That's fucking great. Too many acronyms at the VFW. Yeah. POWs and the MIAs.

Do you do political jokes on Lights Out? No. No. Aggressively, no. No, that's like the only. Do you do political jokes on whatever the fuck you do? Man. I got a great quote. We don't even write jokes. We just stand there and wear a Supreme. Well, do we tell the only... Do you do typical jokes on whatever the fuck you do? Man. I got a great... We don't even write jokes.

We just stand there and wear a Supreme. Well, do we tell the jokes? What's the joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll ask you if I use it for my work. Do you guys hear...

Yeah, Tom, is there somebody at the recycling factory? The recycling factory. The factory where they make recycling? Anybody ever order Taco Bell and a quip about the president?

Yeah. Postman sucks this Ukrainian thing did you guys hear about this thing with Trump he was accused of withholding foreign aid to Ukraine unless they dug up dirt on Biden boy I haven't seen that much attempted blackmail since I invited Justin Trudeau to my Halloween party

I hope you did not put that in your packet. Is Justin Trudeau the guy who said that the guys were trying to hang him and then that wasn't Trudeau?

That's Jesse Smollett. Oh, yeah. This is the Prime Minister of Canada. Oh, that's not a real country. Well, in fairness, Trudeau was wearing

a lot of blackface and looked like Jesse Smollett. He did blackface, I'm not exaggerating, like seven times. Like, he keeps getting bopped for, like, another one. Yeah, dude. In fairness, also.

Another one. I'm the mayor of Montreal. Which, by the way, that sounds like some weird way my dad would have called me gay. He's like, I'm the mayor of Montreal. Can you do my favorite joke that you ever told me about the women driving in Palestine? Oh, I don't even remember. Dude, this was like year one Ramsey Bedali. Well, people always say like women can't drive in Palestine.

That's ridiculous. Women can totally drive in Palestine as long as they're Israeli and inside of a tank. I used to do my favorite version of those jokes. That's again, energy drink Dennis Miller. I used to do my favorite version of those jokes. That's again, energy drink Dennis Miller. Because I used to go... Denergy. A denergy drink. Take a sip and run the lips.

Denergy. I don't want to get hurt here. Oh, that's so fucking funny. It's Miller time. Guys, Saudi Arabia announced plans for a futuristic megacity 33 times the size of New York. It's going to be on the desert. It's crazy. And it's going to be the taxi driver center of the universe.

Bigger than New York, Saudi Arabia. It's an all-taxi-driving economy, from what I can tell. It's an economy of people driving each other around. The flag, just the word buddy. One of my favorite jokes I ever wrote was about Saudi Arabia.

What was it? It was Saudi Arabia's finally letting women go to soccer games for the first time. When women saw soccer, they said, that shit's so gay, my clit just cut itself off. Oh, I thought we were going to do the eternal soul one. Oh, that was Mexico. Oh, yeah, that was Mexico. There was a soccer player who died in a plane crash.

The rest of his team is praying for his eternal soul. When I first started accommodating to this joke, where I'd be like, because this really happened, I was like, could you guys hear the Prince of Saudi Arabia died today? And I'd be like, it really bummed me out. I actually earlier today went to a gas station and I paid for a gallon

and I, you know, poured one out and broke the ice of a woman. She was trying to drive. She was trying to drive. I was like year one in comedy. That was a good joke. That's a great joke. I don't know how strong. Alright, yeah, the raccoon

stuff. Today is International Raccoon Appreciation Day. So I want to shout out my top five raccoons. The one from Pocahontas, Kesha, the one from my house where we were growing up, Andy Dick, and that French one that rapes cats.

What are you, George Wallace I'm a lover with you guys I get pretty lazy at work so Bella Hadid is a whore time for LaCroix fuck well that was the joke off, man. Yeah, guys. Thanks for letting me use your jokes, man. Yeah, no problem, man. You're welcome, man. Oh, do you want some of those, too? I brought them. Thanks, man.

I appreciate it. No, of course. No, that's cool. All right. Meanwhile, Spock has to be right back right after this. Twisted Nerve Productions is the leading name in balls to the wall, full throttle live entertainment. We're the driving force behind smash hits like Bitchfest 2016

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And don't miss out on the bisexual wall of death. Dudes to one side, chicks to the other, and all you greedy little pigs getting stomped fucked in the middle proceeds from ticket sales will go to the trevor project a non-profit devoted to framing your mom's new boyfriend trevor for burglary booty palooza 2019 gape your mind All right, guys. The Mean Boys podcast is back. And it's time for the return of one of our favorite segments.

We're going to do new names. It's time for new names. New names. I think they call all the things new. Opie, I'm going to send you one at a time. I love how you're just shopping for the show at a Goodwill. Yeah, yeah. I wrote two. Okay.

I wrote two. You just need three then. We're doing a short round here. Okay, cool. All right, who wants to start? I'll start. Oh, you can start. Yeah, no, we'll go around.

You start. I think we need a new name for syrup. Go on. I think we need a new name for syrup. Go on. I think we need to call it pancake baby oil. Just looming up a pancake. You put oil on a fat ass in an Xbox video. That's like an old homeless guy spitting game on the sidewalk to some hot chick coming out the bar.

He's like, baby, you're so fine. You put baby oil on your pancakes. A loft apartment in Miami and just some big Puerto Rican guy doing corn syrup on a short stack. Yeah. Alright, guys. Well, I got a new name for kidnappers. We're going to start calling them fan burglars. They burgle

your fam. Oh, man. And they robble, robble to my house. Alright, I got a new name for Native American cum. It'll be corn syrup. Oh, man, that wasn't a tear rolling down his cheek in the literary commercial. One, that's great.

Two, I have a new name showdown. What? A new name for black guys come, the dark web. I'm shooting you up with some dark web. It's that venom shit, bro. Venom, venom, venom, venom, venom. I Venom. Venom. Venom. Venom. Venom. Venom.

Sounds like a race car. Venom. Venom. That was my favorite joke I did on the show. When you eat a girl's pussy, an article came out about how to eat pussy. It's like, no, the right way is you put your mouth all the way around the vagina and you go Venom. Alright, new name for Uber.

White rickshaws. Pickle rickshaws. Holy shit. Oh, God. I got a new name for silk. Woke cotton. All right. Check your thread count.

I got a new name for Opie. Michael Shea, if he stayed out of it on Instagram. If I was Opie's agent, I'd be like, He's like a Michael Shea, but he doesn't fight with comedians on Instagram once every three months. You guys, I got a new name for Steve Martin. I think we should stop calling him Steve Martin. We should start calling him white people's

Eddie Murphy that's a good point Edward Murphy him and Norm Macdonald I feel like are white people's Eddie Murphy no but here's the thing

Steve Martin disappeared oh yeah you're right you're right people wanted him to come back he did a zillion shitty movies

he got a bajillion dollars and now every crappy like alt comic is like Steve Martin was who I grew up with you know what I mean in the same way.

He's one of those guys where I love that book, but I never laughed at anything he ever did. Never. Not even in a disrespect. I like the movies. I like the movies. Some of the movies. In fairness, I feel the same way about Eddie Murphy's stand-up. I do.

I'm on an edge on this. I love this politics, but the jokes weren't there. New name for jizzing on faces? Mace Paste? Oh. Okay. New name for jizzing on faces Mace paste Oh Okay New name for basketball shorts Broga pants Ramsey sent me this one

New name for debt collectors Will now be called Ramsey's personal alarm clock Wow roasted Deliver a great joke that helped me Man dude Well I got a new one for cigars We're going to call them bigorettes Wow, roasted. Deliver a great joke that'll be. Man, dude. Well, I got a new one for cigars. We're going to call them Biggerettes.

Shouts out to my neighbor James back in Chino. You called them Biggerettes? No, I think I did. That's one of the funniest. I think we smoked pot out of a soda can, and he had a black and mild, and I'm like, damn dude, it's like a fucking, it's like Biggerette. Do you guys mind if I do like an Andy Rooney style one? Sure. It's more of an observational new name.

Yeah. I think anal should, I don't think, you know how anal is called Greek? Yeah. I don't think that it should be, you ever heard that before? People call anal Greek. I don't think we should call it Greek anymore because

you know it seems fucked up to the Greek people, right? They did like math in the Olympics and this and that. I think the new name for anal should be German

because it's punitive painful and most of the Jews I know aren't into it. You wrote that just to your girlfriend. Randy taped that one to his fridge. Like a post-it. I'm torn on the next one.

I'm going to do two of them quick. Keith Carrey's no ghost mouth. And David Smith is that guy who comedy cucked me Wait what happened? What's the story there? Oh just that we got the job Which is not the only reason that's happening Yeah no it's not

I'm not like he did something Well he fucked Keith while I was Yeah the boss does a lot of sound effects while I wash. And all that means is like geesh geesh geesh. Beep boop boop beep boop boop. Yeah the boss does a lot of sound effects. Tweeting at the

president will now be known as methadone for calling your dad. Because no matter what if you're tweeting like that he's positive

you're just like oh my president's so strong and he could beat up your president and he'll be back with the smokes anytime now.

If you're mad I'm just like, just tell somebody that you wish they still loved you even though you're gay. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I had a friend who was like, we were talking about how his dad was a secret agent and as I got older, I'm like, oh, he left. Did you ever believe him or were you always like, there's something off about you? I just like him

and I'm trustworthy. I'm white. I trust everybody. I'm like, why would anybody want to hurt me? Everybody loves me. This is so funny. Hold my phone. Talking to the guy who, when my dad, we had a mechanic who was Arab. My dad was like, don't you ever tell him you're an Arab. Don't you ever.

Arabs, if they find out you're an Arab, they'll fuck you. They'll fuck you. If he asks, you're Italian. You are not Italian. I was trying to sound safe for a little while. Hello, I need to get to my breaks. I literally did this. I went to a mechanic in the south. My car broke down, and I was touring. I had a bunch of shit left to do.

And I went, and I'm like, fuck. I got California plates. I look like a fucking, you know, metrosexual Los Angeles guy. I put on the dirtiest jeans I had, a pair of Timberland boots I had, and I went and I said, yeah, I bought the car from my damn sister, and it's just a fuel pump.

I do it myself. Connor's rolling up his sleeve. This is a real fucking redneck mannerism. I've never thought about that before. Yeah, and the guy was like, all right, man. I don't know. Just some dude. Just some guy, yeah. I don't know. Just some dude.

Just some guy, yeah. That's so funny. That's amazing. I was such a fucking idiot. Whose turn is it? That's it. Oh, fuck, I forgot. One more I just thought of right now.

Fat Mexican pussy, Choco Taco. All right, it's worth it. Everyone was doing all these dirty ones. And New Name's ends as it lived. Kind of bad. New Name for Saudi Arabia, everyone was doing all these dirty ones and new names ends as it lived kinda bad new name for Saudi Arabia the place where dinosaurs went to die

damn dude they loved dying there that's a science ass joke do you think it was like Florida for dinosaurs where once you like hit middle age you move down there

no Opie knows I've been trying to think about this for years where I'm like why did they all go to the Middle East? Yeah. Why is it all there?

And Alaska. Yeah, I guess it's like the shittiest place. Yeah. They're like the California and Florida, I guess. I guess so. They were probably the good places back then. So that's the retirement community. Which dinosaurs were like the Jewish dinosaurs?

That'd be funny if after Los Angeles dies and civilization begins anew and a new group of people evolve and they start using our remains to make oil. It's like, oh yeah, that gas out in California makes your car all gay. Whatever. Damn, guys. Remember when the show was like that? It was just really quick? Yeah.

The show used to be 40 minutes. It's crazy, man. Dude, I think there's some episodes. This is before I was in there, like 25 minutes. The first few, yeah, were like 35, man. Dude, I think there's some episodes. This is before I was in there, like 25 minutes. The first few, yeah, were like 35, 20. Yeah. We don't have to keep this on air, but I want to look it up right now.

What about this? Has anybody ever done this? New name for water, Flat LaCroix. That's funny. No, yeah, they have. LaCroix minus. I literally hate. Have you guys gotten to that point yet where you're like, ugh, it's fucking flat water

Get this shit out of my face I never got on board team LaCroix I don't love LaCroix I like it I don't love it I love LaCroix because I just get them at the office Because they're cold

And I don't want to walk to the tap You guys aren't drug addicts That's your problem LaCroix is a drug addict thing Where your brain just goes like I want to drink soda I want to be stimulated Yeah

I want to drink soda so badly It's too fucking in the morning Like what do I doulated yeah i want to drink soda so badly it's too late it's too fucking in the morning like what do i do right i'm gonna drink water instead okay yeah it's a real drug move i think most people i know who bang mccroy's also do fucking like you know mad coke you know what i hate like the cucumber water in the lobby of the hotel i was at a hotel just like cucumber water and like where you get Someone went up and didn't come back. I know. This is so funny.

Oh, yeah. I'm a proponent. I like the Cucumber Water. It makes me feel fancy. It's just like toothpaste water, man. I agree. It's like, I didn't want this. I got a Cucumber Toothpaste. I didn't ask you.

What? Are you using Cucumber Toothpaste? Yeah, dude. I'm that rich. Dude, the places I stay, they go, look, there's a fucking Northgate market over there. You want some cucumber water, get some cucumber water. Yeah, there's a broken hose in the back. You can swig off that.

In the sink, the right handle is blood and the left is bees. I still have to walk over to the bodega to get water like a fucking warlord blew up a plumbing. Fucking cucumber water. I know. You're going to have a tap you can Fucking two cover waters. I know. I'm like, you're about to have a tap you can drink out of safely. I know. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

Why are they putting extra stuff in my water? And Tom's like, yeah, I have to boil it to drink it. How would you feel if one of you guys left the meet-up and came back? I think if you left the meet-up, you're like, I kind of like what's going on there. Yeah. So the vibe got really good, obviously. I'm really digging on Max Max and Devin are cool dudes Man it was a special time When we all lived in this house

Together guys I'll tell you what man It was crazy We slept like 4am Just like shooting the shit Talking about I know everyone Someone would come home

With some kind of crazy It was like literally Like living in a sitcom It was the coolest thing Remember that time You put come home with some kind of crazy it was like literally like living in a sitcom it was the coolest thing remember that time you put something in a microwave and you hyped it up

to be this big thing oh I put a CD in there yeah yeah yeah and nothing happened no it sparked a little bit but it wasn't that cool but you were acting like bro it's gonna catch on fire

and fuck your mom like it's gonna be incredible it worked better back in the day my mom saw that video on Facebook dude I got such a talking to her being like, why are you living like this? When she saw the CD thing?

She saw the CD exploding. She saw like dishes in our sink and shit. She was like, you can't do it. Well, we posted big chop to the video of fucking Tom making a meal with only weapons. Not like maybe one comment was that was pretty funny. And the other hundred were just like, what's wrong with your kitchen? We knew it would be bad. We didn't think it would be this bad.

This place got fucking festered. It was bad. I remember when I first moved here, none of you guys were here, and I used to hate being here so much. I'd run to my room as quickly as possible because I didn't want to talk to our roommate. Oh yeah, because you're like the old sirenster of this shit.

The old roommate, gay guy, who we affectionately knew him as. Yeah, you didn't know his name. We didn't know his name. That was another one of your great old comedy bits. It's our great stories. We didn't know his name, but we knew his cat's name. Yeah, Oren. Yeah.

We would live together. We'd call him Oren's Cake. Oren's Cake. I don't boyfriend, but him? Yeah. Boyfriend, typical dude. This guy? Kind of. Yeah. Fuck the muffin pan.

The muffin pan. For real, though, that's, like, my personal muffin pan. We found, Ramsey came home at, like, two in the morning. And it was, like, a Friday night. And he was, like, looking at all the funny, like, we had, like, just shit on our shit on our shelves from three different meth addicts ago. Generations of drug use. And there's a pumpkin bread mix. And he looks at it and he goes,

Expired two years ago. We're fucking making it. And we're like, shit, can we make a loaf? Do we have a muffin pan? And we're like, I feel like we had a muffin pan. It's probably Opie's muffin pan. And he doesn't let anybody use it but him. And he's like, yo, that's like my personal muffin pan. But you gotta wash the muffin pan it's like it's probably opie's muffin pan and he doesn't let anybody use it but he's like yo that's like my personal muffin pan like you can use but you gotta wash the muffin

pan i don't leave the muffin pan out because you like you're gunking up my muffin pan and you came home and we're just yelling at you about a muffin pan and you're like what the fuck are you doing remember when we uh took that photo and um in my car oh my god yeah i do that's the hardest i've ever laughed in my life like two of you guys walked out and you're wearing black jeans and a red flannel and then another guy ramsey walked out in a black jeans and red flannel then tom pulled on and i came out okay yeah there's you yeah and i was and then they're like connor we gotta get you a black jeans and red flannel so we put them on and they're like and what okay we're gonna take a picture so we're all going to take a picture in Opie's car like a boy band.

And Opie wants to get on the roof of his car. Yeah. Right? And then I just misfooted. It's 112 degrees. It's so hot outside and I just misplaced my foot and it goes straight through my windshield. His whole leg goes through the fucking windshield. One of the things I love about this story is that Opie is so responsible.

Yeah. He really is the most responsible friend we have. He's like, I got to go to bed at 930 so I can wake up and pray. See him have that moment of irresponsibility and for it to fucking fail so hard. Like the one time you let loose, you kick a hole through your windshield. And we're like, well, no, Opie's not going to party for a month. I immediately went into my room and did my taxes the best is watching it I knew in my head

I'm like oh he could like cut his artery and die but I was literally on the ground laughing and couldn't do anything about it well actually like

it went straight through and nothing got cut through it was just a clean break that's insane it was like perfect you like phased through it like Kitty Pryde yeah

it was fucking windshield melting hot Kitty Black Pryde Kitty Black Pryde. Yeah. It was fucking windshield melting hot. Kitty Black Pryde. Holy hell. One of my favorite moments was when I think me and you were talking

and you just randomly walking like, hey, why the fuck are you tagging me a Raising Cane's pose? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I tagged Opie

and it's literally just a picture of like a hundred pieces of fried chicken. And Opie and I, we've been talking about fried yeah. I tagged Opie, and it's literally just a picture of, like, 100 pieces of fried chicken. And Opie and I, we've been talking about fried chicken. You should be clear. It was to win a contest. No, no. I knew. I was just trying to fuck with you.

You were. But I was like, no. My only black friend. The audience didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. My favorite thing was I would always do bits that only would make, like, one of you laugh and the rest of you, I don't think you'd notice. There was one bit that I would do for Connor

is that sometimes, like four months after a tragedy, I would change the filter on my photo. Like way after everybody was doing it. You'd be like, we're on a Paris Avenue now. Yeah, it would be like seven months after and Connor would be the only person who saw it happen. So good. That's fucking hysterical

my favorite bitman ramsey had was we would take photos of ourselves in each other's rooms just to be like i'm in your room motherfucker like i was like hey man can you grab this piece of bail or whatever and then you would just send me a picture of himself like standing on my bed he used the tripod function it's so funny when you try to talk to anybody else about this shit they're just like what asinine things have you been doing or when i would like send you all those tinder requests to join tinder even you were you were dating basically opie would always signal to me once he's gotten through the entire stack of Tinder.

Yeah. So I would always know, like, once every four weeks, I'd be like, well, I guess Opie went through everybody because I got an invite to join Tinder again. Fuck, man. That's another good one. I mean, there was that one moment where you all were very emotional because of the roast. And Joe Dosh and I just like head hugged. And like we're all like having this somber moment. And Tom just flies

by in his car. His alarm is blasting. And he pulls up. He pulls up and he's like, I don't know what to do! I have no idea what to do! It's been like this for miles! How long has it been going on? Since I've got another five, man.

I don't know. And the best thing, he couldn't figure it. He's panicking. You walked over and you just went. You fucking black fonzied it and it immediately turned off. And just so everyone's clear, when Tom says just, ever since I got on the five, the five is two minutes from his house in Orange County. And it went like ten minutes. It was after I got off the 101, and then I couldn't find the fucking place.

So it was just all of Echo Park and parts of downtown L.A. Just like... The part was Tom had a mohawk, so it just looked like he stole a brief. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. It just looked so crazy. And it was the hardest I ever laughed in my whole life. We've got to make a Mean Boys collage of just the different haircuts I've had on this podcast.

I know. You've got a number. Bald. Mohawk. Worst mohawk. That's it. I had a mohawk briefly. I just pictured a realtor trying to sell somebody on the neighborhood.

And then Tom drives by with his car honking. And the realtor just pepper sprays his client. Puts a black bag over their neck. Yeah, there's like five different shoes on the power lines over there. It's like, guys, we get it. It's like when you see a Starbucks open right across the street from a

Starbucks, but for heroin. We're trapping, okay? It's understood. Do we want to throw it in the mailbag and see what else pops out of our brains? We'll be right back. The Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Mr. Ear. Mr. Ear is bringing you Himalaya,

a podcasting format app where you can go. It's an app with a format. A format with an app app you go and you listen to any podcast i'll give you five dollars right now if you tell me what the word format keith don't format is like a layout okay and then you go to a prime quality audio layouted app where you list a variety of different podcasts bean boys is there and you go through and then after you like them,

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Mr. Eer has the grammar of a Nigerian prince. He does. Nigerian prince email is my cousin. I'm Mr. Ear. Yeah. You know, man,

I think we might have finally run out of steam on Mr. Ear. No, no, dude. Mr. Ear is seven hours of sleep. You got this. This is, yeah,

this is different. I'll take it home. What should they do to get this podcast format app for number one listening of Supreme Leader of China?

You go to number one app store of Supreme leader of well you don't know supreme leader just go to the app store download himalaya podcast and from there you can download any any podcast that you could imagine it's like the willie walker song that you even if it doesn't exist if you imagine it it is there yeah yeah yeah podcasts that have not been invented yet will be i just imagined that my new favorite podcast joe rogan and maria bam for a sitting down oh that sounds pretty great peyote for two hours every week she gets a little saner and he gets a little thicker yep yeah well that's fucking it sayonara from Mr. Ear I'll hear you later Why does he have a catchphrase now? And the Mean Boys podcast is back

And it's time to answer your questions Listen to your voicemails All that and more In the Mean Boys mailbag It's the Mean Boys mailbag Fuck everything God is dead Send us an email Or give us a call Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? That's our jingle.

Thank you, Andrew Hillary, for recording and sending us that song. We did post a poll. Yeah, we've been teasing this for a while, posting a poll on Twitter. Who is the best meme boy? We were going to say your favorite meme boy a poll on Twitter, who is the best meme boy. We were going to say your favorite meme boy, but we realized saying who is the best makes it more objective and mean. It's more hurtful, you know? To whoever loses.

There's some stakes there. And we made our predictions last night of how we thought it would go. I did, yeah. And I said 40% Tom, 30% me, 30% Keith. I said 57% Tom, 23% you, and then 20% you. Also, you said 40, 20, no, no. I thought you said 60, 20, 20.

No, I think I said 40, 30, 30. I don't think, yeah, it doesn't matter. What did you predict? 40, 40, 20. Okay. Well, somehow we were all wrong. It's shockingly close. I saw that earlier. I did vote. Yeah.

At the bottom. What did you vote for? I voted for Tom. Sorry, guys. No, you didn't. At the bottom, 31% Tom Goss. What the fuck? I'm shocked.

Close in front, 34% me. One fucking percent point ahead of me, 35, Connor McSpan. No, there's still a few hours left, and it really could go any way. Yeah, so if you're listening to this now, it's too late because this happened two weeks ago. Yeah, but those are the results. I'm shocked. I'm honored. I'm shocked.

I am. I'm baffled. I truly thought the entire fan base had turned on me. And it was honestly heartwarming to see this. That was even close was heartwarming for me. Yeah, I mean, and to say this feels like it felt the night Trump won. It's not that you didn't think it was possible. You just wanted to believe better of the American people.

I knew that Conor was really loving it. He was being cool about it, but secretly he was like, I'm going to jerk off. As soon as he closed the door, he did a victory dance. Is this a hammer dance? Is this dumb Irish dick flopping around. He's naked doing it. I'm just saying, but we lived here when Trump won.

Yeah. I remember I woke up the next day and I just looked it open. I was like, what are we going to do, man? He's like, I don't know. Yeah. I remember me and you when Trump won sitting at Kayla's house just fucking eating McDonald's and staring into the middle distance. Oh, yeah.

We ate ice cream. Yeah, we just chain smoked and worried. I think it was just us three that went on that fucking march, huh? Oh, yeah. I forgot we went to the Trump march went on that fucking march, huh? Oh, yeah. I forgot we went to the Trump march. Did you guys finish them off? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was during the brief 36-hour window when I thought anything mattered. When I was somehow like, well, this will do it. There's children singing that fuck Donald Trump song. Yeah. At least it's not you. Salvation is nigh. This is nice. Yeah.

I'll never forget that, man. I made $1,500 and then I immediately squandered it. I forgot you bet that Trump would win. You fucking war profiteer. Did you spend that money on? Reelect Trump billboards.

I'm going for a double score. I like to tell people that I spent half of it. I donated it to Planned Parenthood and the other half to the Catholic Church. You won't fight it out. I bet I'll read Envah. That's the equivalent of the Joker breaking a pool stick in half and throwing it to the moon. I literally blew that cash.

I cashed out some of it. Some of it I bet on other local politicians. I got a hot tip on a cop troller. Damn it, Devin Nunes. Get it together. The fix is in on school board C7. It was that obscure. I was getting that dick because who's betting on these?

Exactly. There was a lot. You'd be surprised. Exactly. That's never good. That's not an answer. Who's buying a toothbrush with a flashlight on it? Exactly.

I bought 5,000 of them. Oh, my God. Oh, that's so funny. I mean this, dude. You will be so surprised. There's so much cash to be made on local elections, and it's pretty easy to see which way the water is running. Granted, I lost every dollar I paid.

You did this once, and you lost. It's pretty easy to see which way the water is running, said the guy. The water's running not at all because your water got shut off. Yeah. The water's running because Paige is on top of it. I remember being like, I lost like $250 on predictit.org. Oh, yeah. Predictit.org?

I know this website. I wanted to get into it. So I lost like $250, and I remember walking away from it being like, well, listen, that was a learning experience. I think I could turn around

and do this again. Like, I was really... Yeah. I'm praying to God I don't get any money anytime soon because it'll be awful. Yeah, all right.

What else we got on the Twitter? We got... Alexis says, are y'all going to keep the feed up so people can go back and listen to the old shows, or is it going to disappear into the ether? Same question with the Patreon.

Of course, they'll also be up there. The Patreon, by the way, will be for Tom's new podcast, Leaving the Tribe. We'll have explained this by the time this episode drops. But for anybody who missed it in the intros, I think some people skip them sometimes. Yeah, we're going to switch the Mean Boys Patreon to the Leaving the Tribe Patreon as soon as Mean Boys ends. If you want to go understandable if you want to stick around all the mean boys shit will still be there and it'll 100 of it will go to your favorite mean boy tom yeah your least mathematical favorite mean boy

do some math you're about to make 30 of the patreon money which is about what you make now. So it's still got to break, Sam. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's... And I also have cool plans just to experiment with that. If you don't listen to Leaving the Tribe, there will be some comedy stuff on the Patreon wall, too. Yeah, and if you're looking for other Patreons to support, there's this guy, Jim Can't Swim. He does like forensic psychology. Support me. Ramsey, what the fuck are you doing right now? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He's doing a bit. I wanted to plug a different guy. This is my only income. Delivering tacos on my bicycle. Bro, there's another one. The fact that you've called it a bicycle and not a bike is so much. You know, he's had people go motorcycle and go, no, no, no. So here's why Postmates can be even more degrading is lift, everybody takes a lift.

Rich, poor, whatever. You'll run into some people who are like you. But if you're Postmating it, you're only hitting up people who are doing fucking well. It is way too much money for fucking a pizza. Yeah, the amount they're charging you on delivery fees and stuff. Well, not if you get the unlimited, fellas. I'm looking into the unlimited. It is the final. Diversifying my portfolio. What is get the Unlimited, fellas. I'm looking into the Unlimited. It is the final win.

You're diversifying my portfolio. What is Postmates Unlimited? That's like Postmates, but it's got all the weird superheroes. It's all the unlocked characters. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Booster Gold brought me some fucking poke-it. Tight. Maybe I should get this.

Yeah, it's great. I bet it's illegal at jesse wagner says will there be any release of the fabled mean boys black files absolutely not no absolutely not and honestly they're not as fun as it sounds it's really it's like either stuff that was like uncomfortable and we just it's not like funny and it's not like us being like other. Or it's like it doesn't exist. It's not any – it's so hard to find. It's like somewhere on a hard drive. There's no cool secret lost thing that you're missing out on.

If we had it and it was good, we would have put it out. No, if we had it and it's good, you've heard it. Yeah. There's only one thing where we played a game with these people that killed themselves that's like – I don't know. That's kind of interesting, but I'm not really interested in putting's like, I don't know, that's kind of interesting. But I'm not really interested in putting that out. I don't know if we ever talked about it.

Yeah, because we did a game forever ago called Emo Lyric or My Suicide Note. Real Suicide Note. We ended up playing it with mine, which was okay. But before, somebody had made the game and they sent it in and it was with real Suicide Notes. Oh, shit. But it started out like they were historical ones. It was like, okay, this person killed themselves in the 30s. It got sad. But it started out like they were like historical ones and like, it was like, okay, this person killed themselves in like the 30s. I got sad, but it's fine.

And then the last one was like, forum posted 12 hours ago, no response. And we're like, oh, fuck. Wow. Yeah, that's the one black file thing that was interesting, but that, yeah, we won't put that out. Isn't it weird that we're like, ah, this guy blew his head off and let's get his wife. Yeah. That's okay.

Yeah, somehow it just, it was a off. Let's get it to him. Yeah. That's okay. Yeah, somehow it just – It's kind of funny. Just to be like – Basically, if they were wearing different pants than we wear now, I don't give a shit. So like the 80s? Yeah, exactly. Really the late 90s. That means you still don't care about anyone from my culture.

Yeah. What culture is that? Gas station dudes? People who unironically wear MC Hammer pants. I'm trying to see if there's any other good stuff, but I think that's most of... I think a lot of it. Of all the character sketches and episodes, what do you regret the most airing, and what do you wish you ended up doing and completing?

Hmm. I mean, I guess I wish that Hillary won, only so we could do more Clinton McGilley stuff. Yeah. That was fun. I wish I had finished Omega Tom. That's the only reason you wish Hillary won? That's really it. Because it's been great for comedy, number one.

Comedy's great under Trump. It's super fun and awesome. He's hilarious. Yeah. He is. Yeah. He is. That's the problem.

I mean, he is really funny. Can we stop pretending he's not? He is. No, but the gag's hilarious. Yeah. He is. Yeah. He is. That's the problem. I mean, he is really funny. Can we stop pretending he's not? He is. No, but the gag's over. Like, making fun of him is not that funny. That is not funny. Making fun of him is not funny. He's funny.

It's just how... He's Deadpool t-shirt guy, where Deadpool was kind of funny, and now it's sort of like, okay, it's... Nah, he's still funny. He's still got it funny. But it's just, like, scary funny. Like, yo, we all gonna die. Oh, shit. Yo, we gonna die all going to die. Oh, shit.

Yo, we're going to die. It's like if I was rooting for him, I'd be howling. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. I regret not finishing Omega, Tom. That's probably my biggest regret of the whole operation.

Tom, what do you think? I mean, this is, I don't know. What a regret airing. I don't know. I just regret every time I wasn't that funny in the podcast. Yeah, because I don't really regret, even some of the stuff that I think we did that was like stupid or offensive or bad, I'm like, I don't know.

Like you got to take the swing to figure out how to do it right. I just regret any time I gave the fans less than they deserved. Yeah, that would be my move. I mean, that's like the, you know. It's a cop out. I'd say. You sound like a real mayor of Montreal. The number one thing I regret doing.

Yeah, no. Things I actually spent time on and released, it didn't turn out good. That's fine. Any joke that I just kind of phoned in, I regret that. Yeah. So, you know, this joke off for me. And then the number one sketch that I regret, which was

literally like, I'm supposed to have a sketch write down words. Is it woke Satan? It was woke Satan. Oh my god. It was just I remember listening to you record that and thinking you were having a psychotic break. I was like, not one word that he's saying makes sense next to each other. I was having, yeah, I was not But not in like a funny psychotic break. I was like, not one word that he's saying makes sense next to each other.

I was having, I was, yeah, I was not in a... But not in like a funny, charming way. It was just like, what the fuck is happening? Oh, they've never been funny or charming. All right, guys. Well, we got some voicemails. Yeah, let's do it. Let's take a listen.

From Saskatoon, Canada. I got on the Mean Boys train earlier this year, and I just wanted to say a sincere thank you for just all the podcasts and all the time that you've managed to fill at my dreadful water treatment job. I've really, really enjoyed the podcast, and I wish you all the best.

Now, the amount that it costs for me to call this number is astronomical, so I am just going to ask one quick question. I want to get a fuck, marry, kill from you guys on the classic Three Stooges lineup. I'm talking Larry, Curly, and Moe. No shit. Keep them out of that. Anyway, thanks for everything.

God is dead. Wow, thanks for everything. God is dead. That's a nice touch. I don't know anything about the Three Stooges. It's like Lenny Bruce to me. I'm not fucking any guy named Larry. I'm not fucking anybody named Curly.

Moe, I guess. Moe's got to be gay. He's a fucking Moe. I already know the answer. Okay. Here's what you do. You kill Larry. Larry's ugly.

He's not funny. Larry's beautiful. You marry Moe because Moe is the one who kind of pulls the racket together. He's the smartest one. He seems to know how to make a buck. He's kind of got it going on. You fuck Curly because Curly is legitimately retarded and therefore has a big ol' horse cock.

So that's my feelings. Now, which one was Will Sasso? Was he Mo? Was he Moe? He was curly. I would never fuck or marry anybody named Moe

because there are 17 Moes in my family. So it just reminds me of dating my younger brother, Moe Smoove. Moe Smoove? My younger brother

is a YouTube personality called Moe Smoove. Oh, yeah. So funny. I'd fuck Moe because it would remind me of your little brother. It's smoothed out.

He's a smooth operator, dude. Smooth, don't play that, yo. Smooth. All right. Boys, Ethan from New York City here. That's Ethan from New York. Oh, dude, Opie Sumtown. I should have called him at least something for the last couple episodes.

You know, the last couple of years, I've had a crazy job with a crazy schedule, and a lot has been up and down and all over the place in my life, but there's one thing that's been the same, and that's your show. I mean, it's the same, obviously, but it's been reliable, and it's gotten me through a lot. I've had something to laugh at every week while I would wake up at 1 in the morning to go to work or be working until 4 in the morning. Three-hour shift ain't bad. And shoot, I'm at a little bit of a loss for words. I apologize, but...

The show meant a lot to me. Oh, thanks, buddy. The show meant a whole heck of a lot to me, and I wanted to say thank you. Shoot, what a bummer. I'll never be able to finish my Witch of the Following game for all my insane stories about working at a Trader Joe's. That's not a crazy place to work, dude.

All the crazy things people do. Well. That would have probably been boring. It's been real mean, boys. Anytime you're in New York, I'll try to find your show, but any of y'all, but, you know, end of an era, I suppose. So thanks for everything. I just wanted to say thank you.

Wow, man. Dude, Ethan in New York is fucking cool. We hung out with him at the live show we did at the Creek. And he was drunker than I've seen maybe any human being in my life. Instant of New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That dude's fucking rad, man. Thank you so much for saying that.

It's very sweet. Really nice guy. And look, you've got a couple weeks. If you send us that witch of the following, we'll do something with it. Yeah. Poop on it. Yeah. Nail the tribe.

Thanks. I love that this part of the show and for the next few weeks is just going to be our guests awkwardly listening to us. Jake Murphy. I just started listening two nights ago, and I found out yesterday that you guys are wrapping shit up. I do have a question though for new listeners like me or whoever else unfortunately finds a podcast at the end.

What is each of you all like what's your favorite episode? Oh, our favorite episode. Tom, did you call us? I don't know.

That's all, folks. My favorite episode. I loved listening to the first one that Tom did because he was so funny and I was in Ireland. Oh, the Boom Boom Pineapple. It was just so funny listening to it out there. I still have fond memories of that. I didn't know you that well at that point. Well, we knew each other. We were like friend friends, though.

We had a couple good hangs. I didn't know the depth of Tom. Well, you still don't. You're moving in with him. Not anymore, you ain't. We went down to San Diego together, and then you say the story. I was like, hey, hey man let's be friends And then I brought you to this gig at a campfire

And then we started Bringing it into the podcast And it was just cool to see it all come together And for you to be so funny on it It was so cool No I still I've been re-listening to all the episodes The old ones I wasn't on

And that episode I still listen to it The only thing I've done that I think makes me laugh. It was a funny episode. I'm trying to think of my favorite episode. That time that you did the panties thing was fucking crazy.

That was great. That's one of the top five all-time hardest I've ever laughed. I still listen to that sometimes. It's so funny to listen to you guys react to that. We had no knowledge of what was coming.

Thank God for Dance I think might have been my favorite. That's what I was going to say. I have one regret in that I never did a Thanks God for Dance sketch. Because I always wanted to. Maybe I'll listen to one. In the next couple weeks

we can do it yeah I would say DiMaggio would be up there just because that was that was cool that was the highest achievement we could get of shit that we really

really gave a shit about yeah and then the Chicago live episode is probably that one was a blast it might not be pound for pound the funniest episode

we've ever done but that was like our first real tour and we had no idea what was going to happen we thought we were going to get there and they're going to be fucking seven people who were bummed out at the show yeah and then to show up and all of a sudden there were 50 people and they're fucking insane and they like knew the show and they were that was wild yeah yeah i don't think i've ever had more fun in my life than that show. No, that was, yeah, no, I agree. And I got racked in the nards with the fucking ball. You got narded up. By a girl whose mom died earlier.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Gina. We saw her at the album recording. Yeah, shout out to Gina, who left her mom's funeral early to come to our podcast. She was a little creeped out that I remembered her, but it's like, you don't forget stuff like that. She had the same reaction to me. I'm like, I will remember that until I die. Maybe that's why she was excited I didn't remember her. My mom died. I was like, I will remember that until I die. Maybe that's why she was excited. I didn't remember her.

My mom died. I was like, oh, yeah, you were great. I remember the episode where we tasted the rhubarb with Joe was really funny. Oh, the Coogan. Yeah. That was so good, man. That was good. I don't think I had it with you guys, but I ended up having a letter.

You guys let me have some, right? Yeah. That was great. That's like our personal Coogan. You guys handed me one. Here's a Cooganel it's like my private stash of kugel we're trying to kugel it up oh yeah absolutely you guys this is weird i don't i never really got that into future stuff and like you were talking about like joe dabge it was a huge I did listen like before even before I got into comedy

I listened to the or not before I got into comedy early into comedy I listened to the Dollop yeah it was my favorite podcast for a long time but to do a podcast

and have chemistry with someone I respected so much as a podcast yeah it was a really really cool moment for me yeah

yeah I mean lots of good ones let's do another voicemail I so many I loved. I loved them all. Yeah. Well, not all of them.

The question is, what is thicker, blood or cum? What do you think, guys? What is this? What's thicker, blood or cum? I mean, how much water have you been drinking? That's an important question. Well, how much zinc have you been taking? Oh, yeah.

We can't have the zinc argument with Ramsey. Keith, are you saying that sugar affects your cum? No, I'm saying it affects your blood. Oh, it affects your blood. Okay. I remember the most... I also don't know if that's true. The most messages I ever got on the show was when I was talking about how to...

Like this over-the-counter thing to make your dick hard. And this was a weird demo. So many transitioning people were like, the estrogen is making my dick soft. What's it called again? I was like, L-arginine. Eventually I won't have the dick, but while I got it, I want it to work. I want the farewell tour to be robust. Man, that's a real stuck in the middle situation for the trans community.

Yeah, right? And it's like, well, I'm growing tits, but my cock is a real disaster. All dressed up and nowhere to blow. I was struck by lightning, but now I am trans. That's how it works. I am a Frankenstein of parts. I have bolts in my neck and an imaginary pussy. Check your cock

and testes at the door. It doesn't mean I'm gay. Only weird. Don't be afraid. Now I'm doing an African Oingo Boingo. It's a dead man's party.

It's Congo Boingo. You know what? You know the white people Halloween song? Every Halloween song is the white people Halloween song. What about the Monster Mash? That's pretty... That's the whitest song there is. It's pretty urban.

They're partying at like 9 o'clock. It's a mom jam about Dracula. It's the fucking whitest song in the world. Dude, a graveyard. I like how he says it's a graveyard smash. Like, that's a thing. Oh, yeah,

one of those classic graveyard smashes. What part of that song is an actual thing, though? Werewolves. I got some articles to show you. One of my favorite

pranks I ever pulled on somebody was I was at this guy Mark Stevens' Super Bowl party and he's like this super... You guys know,

but the other guys don't. He's a comic, nice guy, but he's a fucking Boston mean shot. I like the Keith Paz to explain podcasting to our guests you guys know the audience just like a dumb boston dork and the patriots won and he was like so excited so he like takes out his like alexa to like play fucking the dropkick murphy's or whatever and i had a way to hack into his thing or whatever so i just started playing the monster match. And he couldn't figure out who was doing it.

And then I gave him 30 seconds of shipping off to Boston. And then went right back to the monster match. And I've never seen somebody angry. It's like your version of the John Mulaney salt and pepper diner. 100%. I forgot that was a thing that he had already done. But I still felt really good about it. If you're from fucking New England and I ever catch you playing that fucking

Departed song, I'm going to fucking throw a shoe at you. It's onside, dude. Stupid piece of shit. The ultimate Arab sign of disrespect. Shoes are the woman of the feet. Think of that John Lennon song. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, dude.

Oh, man. See, audience, I'm funny when I try. 36% funny. All right. We want to back one more up? Hey, mean boys. It's your roller skating contingent. Not less.

I just listened to your intro on the most recent episode where you guys are officially announcing the end. I just wanted to take a second and thank you guys for all the hard fucking work that you've done for us pieces of shit listening. No. I mean, I know I'm not the first person to tell you, but y'all have been there when nobody else was or

at least nobody else was as fucking weird as you guys. I just wanted to say that I'm so proud of you guys for everything that you are accomplishing now and I'm really so excited

to see what you guys are going to do. Is this Chickabay? Tom, if you want, I will gladly reallocate my $5 Patreon donation directly to you. I'm sure that'll make such a huge difference in your lives.

Tom, if you want, I will gladly reallocate my $5 Patreon donation directly to you. Good news. I'm sure that'll make such a huge difference in your lives. Thank you. That's very nice. I don't know if you guys remember, but a couple years ago, my partner, Death Radio, and I posted about how he saw you guys in Phoenix, Arizona

and got a T-shirt spray painted and brought it to me all the way up in Southwest Washington. And your show is like one of the first things that we really connected over. Aw. And here we are almost three years later. You talk about these people. Yeah.

It seems like those things kind of stick, so. It seemed like this was going to stick, though. You guys had a really big part in bringing us together so even if you don't care that and i'm sure you do even if you don't care that you make individual differences um you literally brought two pretty miserable people together. Anyways, thank you guys so much for everything. And fuck everything. I guess y'all are dead.

Love you guys. Man. Jesus Christ, my heart. All these are going to just make me fucking weep. Here's the good news. We brought two miserable people together, which in terms of breeding will make a more miserable baby. And really what we're doing is

breeding misery now. You know what I want to say? This one just says Indian boys, so I wanted to hear what it sounded like. It says, hey, mean boys, and then he accidentally hangs up. That happens a lot. Here's what I want to say to that gal, because I remember that show and that was when just me and you, Connor, went on the road.

And I remember going to Arizona, and I remember thinking, because that guy was the only guy who came to that show. He was. The only human being who came to that show was this one guy who was excited to see us. And I remember- You think you're punk rock? Do a show for one guy. And I remember at the time being like, God, what the fuck is wrong with this guy that

he likes us this much? And then hearing that, and I'm like, man, I the fuck is wrong with this guy that he likes us this much? And then hearing that, and I'm like, man, I love that this guy likes you that much. He came to get you this dumb fucking shirt signed by the fat retard and the tall gay one. And now you guys are in love. So that really makes me fucking happy. That's so cool, man. I will officiate your wedding. I will do it because I'm the best mean boy.

All right, so Tom will see you there. Open Omelette Bar where he walks. Here's the deal. They're going to be the first to offer it, but I'm the only one who has the time. So we know who's going to officiate the wedding. First Mean Boys fan to invite me to a wedding, I'll go. You have to take a short online quiz to do it. For less money, I'll Skype in.

I'm not asking to get paid. You're trying to rack it in. I'll sell a call into your wedding. I'll do a cameo. Are they going to have you on one of those robots with the bomb squad ass? With Julian Assange? I'll even be in the same city.

I'm not. I'll take a nap before I'm looking at the improv. That's my robot. I'll be the sound technician at their wedding for $15 an hour. That is where I'm going to work right now. Rosie Bedali wedding DJ sounds like my favorite hustle of all time.

Keith, I got to tell you right now, I'm so happy at the... I didn't even know you guys had fans. This is crazy. Holy shit, dude. It's really bizarre, man. It's crazy. Holy shit, dude. It's really bizarre. It's crazy how dope your fans are. You've been saying that they're still listening.

I thought we were just doing this for nobody. That's what we thought for the longest time. That's why the Chicago show was so special. It was like, oh, fuck, these are real people. What you told me is so funny, what you thought. Oh, I thought that all the people, I genuinely thought all the people, I genuinely thought all the people who were interacting with us online,

I thought it was Connor doing it to make the show look like it. Oh, wow. Like he was doing some sort of catfish psyops thing to fucking build a brand. We're just going to lure them in to keep them showing up so I can keep calling them fat and retarded. Oh, it was specifically a hustle to get you? To get both of us. Oh, okay. To keep both of us there.

I didn't have any self-respect at that point. I would have kept showing up. The fact that you accused Connor of that and not me is insulting. If there's anybody who's going to come at you, it's Twitter or me. It's Evan Cassidy. I know. Well, yeah, I mean, it was just so fucking scary starting it out because, like, me and Joe were kind of friends and you and I were pretty good buddies.

And it was like, we're just like, what the fuck? You're starting a podcast. Who thought? What the fuck is that going to do? I know. And it felt, you know, it's funny. It felt super lame, the idea of starting a podcast that late in the game. Yeah.

But I think me and you, especially like me and Joe, we all kind of had the idea of like, well, what if we just don't think it's super lame and we just try really hard like what if we actually write shit and actually like you know try to put on a show make a piece of comedy and don't just be three guys rolling their eyes at the idea of effort like yeah because that's my least favorite model of sort of entertainment is just guy who is bored making it yeah yeah yeah anything but but excess of well i find that all those people are always rich kids right it's boring you always dig a little deeper you're like it's because you just don't have anything but but excess of well I find that all those people are always rich kids right it's boring you always dig a little deeper and you're like

it's cause you just don't have anything to actually think about or worry about I think some of it is just self consciousness of like they're afraid to fail and fail passionately so if they

if you pitch it from a place of I don't care fuck it like then you don't ever have to I'm still afraid of it every day not that you yeah no I mean it's another thing

of being afraid of it but you still go out there and you fucking yeah swing it's not it's not trying is the annoying part that'll kill you right yeah right i guess it's like a thing i actively want to try to avoid in the future I'm with you you won't, you're such a hard worker you actively do things that you love everyone in this room does now that the podcast is, I'm going to start trying

alright, well guys it's been an honor to be your friends and podcast with you. And I can't believe that anybody else ever gave a shit. And it's fucking cool that we all shared that together, man. You guys are the best. Can I say something real quick to your fans? No.

Yeah. I appreciate all of you guys. My Venmo. Really nice to meet you. Everybody knows I was kicked off of Venmo. I forgot about that. Anyway, I'm on a new cash app called Kangaroo Court. Kangaroo Bank.

Kangaroo Mutual. K-Bank just secured 18 million dollars Investing in drop bear futures You guys have been fantastic Thank you guys so much For ever saying hi And nice things to me on Twitter And yeah man

This is sad Yeah I mean same thing here You guys are the best fans And the only people that ever come out to my show, so thanks for that and always being the best and very respectful. Yeah. We definitely didn't show you a couple of the voicemails.

Oh, well. To those niggas, fuck you. I'm kidding. Actually, every time we do have somebody on the show that isn't a white guy, I'm always worried. I'm like, everybody behave. I'm pretty sure you're all cool, but don't blow this for me. Yeah, we've never really gotten that amazingly.

Not really. That one voicemail. And we've hung out with Luis Gomez a few times. We've never gotten a racist voicemail. I know. I'm friendly with Luis Gomez. I'm going to text him and see if he'll leave us a racist voicemail. Oh, I would love that.

That'd be hilarious. Yeah, but yeah, best fans. And I'm going to text him and see if he'll leave us a racist voicemail. Oh, I would love that. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, but, yeah, best fans, and I'm going to definitely miss y'all. Oh, come out. Come out to show. Yeah, I mean,

we can still hang out. You guys know we're not going anywhere. No, no, no. Like I said, this won't be the last time we all talk in a microphone. No, yeah.

I've gotten some DMs that make me feel like, do you think we're all going to die as a podcast? We all are doing other stuff. Yeah. And the door... Two die. We all are doing other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Two or three of us.

You're doing another podcast. I'm kidding. Yeah. Yeah. The only person with a good podcast to fall back to. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get the fuck out of here.

Let's get the fuck out of here, guys. All right, everybody. Peace and love. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. Oh, now you're on the last one.