Mean Boys - EP 216 - That Was The Mean Boys

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly the chevrolet employee pricing event is on now get a big cash purchase discount of up to eleven thousand three hundred dollars on the 2025 chevrolet silverado ld zr2 and silverado hd zr2 with a factory installed lift kit and multimatic dssv dampers We'll be right back. Thank you. I think it's a mean, mean, mean, mean. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Fuck God, Mean Boys is dead. I'm Keith Carey.

I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm Tom Goss. Yeah. Quiet, dignity, and death. And cut to us vandalizing your grave. You know what's fucked up? Most insulting slam we've had in the intro of the whole show. Because your eyes glazed over like, oh no, I am Tom Goss.

This is the first time you've heard your name on the show or it wasn't someone doing a rude impression of you. It was not preceded by the word Dirt. I'm Tom Goss. Yeah. I'm Dumb Guys. I'm Terrible Goose. Man, guys, it's the

end of the road, ain't it? Yeah. It's weird, man. It's a tough one. I think we've all been dancing around it a little bit. Yeah, I think Halloween was able to be as... First of all, thank you to everybody who came to Halloween. That was the most fun I've ever had in my life.

It was gorgeous, man. It was a dream come true. I think Halloween was able to be as fun and good as it was because we knew we had this one to dump all the fucking weird, anxious, sat into. Yeah. So then we could keep it together for the kids. Yeah, but we're going to try and have fun. I actually, I wrote up

a list of things that we did. Oh, this is interesting. And things that happened with the show that kind of just that I thought of that I was kind of going to... Because I just sometimes think about the sheer volume of stupid stuff and things we've done. So, I mean, just someone jacked off on a picture of our friend. Yeah.

We still, I don't know who did that. I don't know. Someone told me at one point. Yeah. And look, we can easily go back and check the email. I know. I could find. But yeah, they're trying to come to a Long Beach show at some point

and have a reunion with Ramsey, which I was bummed it never got to happen. You never want to jerk off to happen. You know what? Here's what I'm offering up. This is the last episode. This is your shot. Come, guy. If you still listen to this show, why aren't you jerking off on a picture of the three of us? We're going to post a nice

photograph of us looking like good, clean Christian boys with this episode. I want a video within a week of you hot, ropey, fucking pungent load onto this picture. And if you do it, Keith will have it framed and put up in his apartment. If you do it and then you take a screenshot of you jerking off on it, I'll jerk off onto the picture

of you jerking off on the picture of us. I will make a jerk off to duck it. This is like that guy that microwaved the toaster inside an oven. I like where this is going. I mean, and the gifs too. I mean, just a few that i thought of off the top was a wood burning of us yeah that was in indiana yeah it's in my bathroom now a wildly time-consuming and stupid thing to do with your life somebody had to like take a piece of nature

smooth it out and then burn my crotch on it i know yeah that's insane it was and there's so many lines and shit it looked like it took in my took five hours oh yeah dude it's nothing but like you know when you see one of those optical illusion pictures at like the science center of like is this an old man or two young women that's what my fucking nutsack looks like like keith was a character in life that someone had to draw every day that animator would hate his life he's like there's so everything is just like a wrinkle and a shadow my body is shaped like one of those those weird pictures of the hand drawing itself that can only exist in two dimensions. Yeah. No matter what picture you take of Keith, it's high definition and he's way too close.

Your body can only be drawn by take on me. I love crafty and curves. Someone made us fully illustrated D&D character sheets. Yeah. Just dozens of paintings and drawings. Yeah, we found those when we were going through shit That was so much I loved, I was looking at the

They had like an abilities list for Karnak Because my power was like just summoned Karnak And his abilities were like It was like something like fire breath, sword of the beast And then the third one was just sodomy Like his great weapon is he just butt fucks you to death That's a daily spell. It's powerful. Indeed.

Yeah. I actually, since we're talking about some of the drawings we received when we're going through the old stuff, I found the drawing of the pigeon in a tomato can. That's a good one.

That said define care. I remember seeing it going, what the fuck is that from? I've been re-listening because I've been on the road a bunch. I've been re-listening to old episodes and it was episode, I think it was 91 with Felicia

because I was talking about coughing up blood. Which time? Yeah. The time of that episode, Felicia was all nervous about it. She's like, are you at least taking care of yourself? And I go, well, define care. We never really had a news girl on the show, but we had a lot of women come in and just

be concerned about our health. Yeah. That was like our rotating role we had a whole harem of women who just wanted to bring tom soup and encouragement oh yeah you and me too they'd be like what are you doing you know like we didn't have new girlfriends like you know jerry and george we had fucking just chicks that were like take a tylenol god i'm like no if i'm not in constant pain it's not fun yeah i i. I think that picture of me drinking out of your ass through the curly straws up at my parents' house. Oh, I forgot about that.

Yeah, there's so many good ones. So thank you for all those. The countless weapons and swords. My God. Yeah. Do you have a rough count? I mean, I've given some away now. There's at minimum 13 weapons.

Just like low-balling it. Wow. I want to point out, the rough count sounds like a Leather Daddy Dracula. The safe word is blah. The gear packages. People just sent us like fucking medicine and household supplies and snacks and food. Oh, yeah, the amount of passive-aggressive amount of like Swiffer wipes and the hand sanitizing products we've been mailed. And we just laugh at them like, you think that's good?

Yeah, like we'll shove these in the hole where the ants are coming out. Yeah, you walk up to that chick on fire running away from the bomb in Hiroshima and give her a bandaid. Like that's what that's what your fucking wet wipes were for our house. Callie Velasquez. You know, we got Target gift cards, Trader Joe's gift cards that showed up today. The Trader Joe's got shot up. Yeah. People just send us 20 bucks and a card, all the cards and stuff.

Thank God we don't have enough self-respect to go buy anything from Trader Joe's or we might be dead. I've actually, I don't, the only time I think I've ever been in one. I'm going to treat myself to a speculo, blah, blah, blah. I think I only ever went for Postmates. I think that's the only time I went. I just, I still, I'm like, that's not for me. Do we still have that card?

I think it's probably expired. Much like the guy who died in the trade. I know. Expired two years ago. I'm sure it was him who sent it, too. So much of that shit was just on the living room table. I don't even know where it is. He final destinationed himself with a gift card.

He had like one shot to pull off his big sting. He's like, there's free food there's no way they pass it up they'll head right to the store yeah there's just a big fucking like a full ham under a box with a stick holding it he's waiting outside with binoculars he sees us get the mail and he's like all right 20 minutes it's go time we got to get to the parking lot what do we have this mass shooter wiley coyote oh yeah well i mean if there was going to be someone that was going to commit a character like terrorist act because of mean boys they would do it like Wile E. Coyote. Oh, 100%.

They'd be like, oh man, they threw an anvil into an elementary school. Yeah, exactly. Okay, this guy. The killer was holding an AR-15 and wearing homemade rockets. He had a gun that shot a flag that said bang, but what they didn't know was gas full of AIDS came out silently and infected the kids. David Hogg and a bunch of fucking tweens are marching on the Acme Corporation. Dude, imagine if we had a guy did a

terrorist thing in the name of the podcast. God forbid. Do not do this. And then the child activist. This is where the bit ends. Yeah, if we had our own Greta Thunberg, that was just because she survived the Mean Boys shooting. Some 12-year-old girl who's just like podcasting has to stop. That would be the... who's just like podcasting us to stop.

That would be the... It's so funny because you talk to people like even like other comics in LA and stuff who like hadn't met a lot of the Mean Boys fans. Yeah. They're not really out here.

You guys are fucking wherever it's snowing. Anywhere but here. Yeah, you guys are... Wherever the economy's bad. Here's where every Mean Boys fan lives. Most of you live in a town

where I drive in and I'm like, I guess I get voting for Trump. Every time. Every time. Every time with three jack in the boxes and no hospital. Everywhere that looks like the cover of fucking Nebraska by Bruce Springsteen. That's where you guys are.

But I think because we joke around about you guys being like horrible monsters, people genuinely are like, yo, is there going to be a riot at the house when you do Halloween? Are they going to like fucking blow shit up or like have a swastika? No, they're going to. It's going to be a bunch of 38 year olds with back patches are going to get drunk and embarrassed themselves. It's going to be fine. Very nice. Help us put chairs away.

And I'm going to play a night long game of which fat guy with a beard. Are you again? Yeah, that's 100 percent what it was. Man, talk about fucking. I thought one guy was Don Carlo. It was like playing. Guess who? If they all were one guy.

For real. Yeah. And I also loved it. I didn't think of this on our list, but every time we were waiting for people to show up to a live show, and a skinny chick would show up with a fat girlfriend, we'd be like, that's for us. Always for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it.

Timid men with thick-thighed women is really our demographic. I know. It really just looks like a guy in his carrying case when they're walking down the street. It looks like Connor and me in a wig. That's kind of what a lot of the couples look like. It looks like they all dressed up like you and I. They're doing us cosplay. They did a very in-depth 30-year cosplay.

We got electrocuted at a minor league baseball game at three o'clock in the afternoon yeah by a transgender woman and no one and frankly i've said it before i've said it again if people were furious that would have been hilarious the fact that they were apathetic we were doing everything we could to rattle small town america and small town america's like we just want to watch the game yeah it was so in that game In that game, they lost, like, 18 to 2. Oh, good. I can't figure we helped. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Maybe you guys didn't pick up on that, but people were so upset after the game because they got steamrolled by, like, 17 points. Oh, good. Oh, awesome. Well, that's what they get for caring about their shitty baseball team in their bad town.

Yeah, exactly. That'll teach you to have one thing to have hope in. Yeah. Go back to mining for fucking steam. What the fuck are you doing that for? You live in Indiana. Give it up. All right.

To burn. A cool guy named Will drove us around the whole country in his van. Shout out to Will. Will fucking rules. Will's the best, man. I just talked to fucking Nashville Will. Coolest dude in the world. I got to hit up Nashville Will, man.

Yeah, I ordered a t-shirt from his van. Listen, by the way, if you like Big Dumb Louds, Scott Punk, listen to Stuck Lucky. No, they're really good. Yeah, he sent me this funny note, and it just read like a Civil War letter. It was like, dearest Keith, if you can read this, you finally realize I will not be attending Halloween. That's how I am quite poor. But no, Will's the fucking coolest dude. Just wore sunglasses across like 12 different states and was just like, okay, yeah, I'm guys for yeah 14 hours never slept you know always had a plan and we're just like hey

we can get you a bed he's like i'm gonna hang out in the van yeah he's like he he was like i prefer the van yeah like and in a way that made him cooler he loved the van to a degree that i was like is this car a transformer and this is all like a weird like this is his bumblebee and he's in love with it like every time you've talked about like packing up and driving around in a van i've been worried about you but this guy i'm like man it's just him in the open road huh well he he said one of the funnier things i remember on tour because i was joking around we should have spray painted just the meaner mobile on the side of the van and he's like honestly i thought about it but i'm like

we're going through jesus and they take the Wienermobile seriously. They had that Jesus license plate framed to try to stay out of trouble. Vandalizing or parodying the Wienermobile. It's like burning a flag in certain parts of Tennessee. If a Wienermobile takes a turn too hard and flips, they have to put it in a big fire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have to grill it. They have to grill it and then bury it at sea. What else we got on the list? Tom got tased. And I don't know if you thought about this. Three different states. Oh, yeah. You got tased in three different time zones.

Oh, yeah. Every time zone. Wow. Yeah. Tased in every time zone. You've been tased in the future, my dude. Yeah, you got tased three hours from now. Yeah, Orlando, Kansas City, and Los Angeles.

Yeah. Yeah. The only... Probably the only... The three saddest places to live in... Which one was the worst? Kansas City. Yeah.

That one you ate shit. That one you... That one you full on collapsed. Did we ever release the video of that? Or did we ever get it? I think we got it. We should put that out. If we haven't, I'll put it out again.

Okay. Yeah. Well, no. I don't think it's... but I did fall, and here's why I fell. It's not because my legs gave out. My body just went, fuck this. Oh, so you just panic jumped? Yeah. You described it as a weird feeling where every muscle just, like, said, like, fucked off.

Yeah. Yeah. No, there was some fuck off, but I was just like, no. I mean, it hurts. Like, it's not a, it wasn't a taser. It was a stun gun, but still, it fucking hurts., it hurts. It wasn't a taser. It was a stun gun. But still, it fucking hurts. Oh, yeah.

All of them sting. Yeah. But it's like, you know, it's not a taser-ass tear. It just fucking hurts. Right. It stings for a little bit, and then it's fine. But Kansas City. We didn't do it.

We can't say shit to you. You don't have to keep qualifying. Yeah. Well, no, Kansas City was just pressed on. I made it very clear to other people. It was like, just happy with it. Yeah. We want the fact of me jumping. Yeah, well, no, Kansas City was just pressed on. Like, I made it very clear to the other people just, like, just happy with it. Yeah. We just, we want the effect

of me jumping. I'll be in some pain. Yeah. But I got pressed a little bit more. You know what I like? You know what I like about this is you did it enough

that you had a getting taste. Every time, like, I saw the taser. You worked it out. You had a couple beats. You're like, just give me a tap. I'm going to poop a little bit.

Right around there, we call it a day. Every time I saw the taser come out, I'm like should let someone tase me like i think that'd be funny you know i can do it anytime you want man then you hear the clack clack when it turns on i'm like oh fuck that yeah no as soon as you give it a little test zip you're like fuck yeah that shit is fucking ld album yeah it's loud yeah yeah uh multiple people got tattoos inspired by this show holy shit that's insane that's crazy man i think three i think is the official count yeah what is the third one because i remember the denver guy got

the fuck everything got his dad yeah yeah the the first one the live fast eat ass one yeah i think the other one's a fuck everything got his dad too there was a pittsburgh guy i don't know that i remember the pittsburgh what's the pittsburgh i don't think i don't think we I remember the Pittsburgh one. What's the Pittsburgh guy? I don't think we... He sent... Maybe he just told me... Or was that... If anybody is floating around out there with a Mean Boys tattoo, just send us another picture in case we missed it. I'm pretty sure there was a Pittsburgh guy

because I talked to him about hockey. Yeah, but there's... Think about this. We're forgetting a guy that got a tattoo of him. That sucks for him and is pretty cool for us. I mean, it seems like we... I wouldn't get a mean voice tattoo. And I think he came to a live show somewhere else, too.

I think he just happened to be in a different state. Yeah, that would happen a lot. Yeah. I've seen Callie Velasquez in, like, three different states. Yeah. Yeah, well, we don't go to the state where she's from. No, yeah. Because it's one of the worst ones.

Well, let's give her address out on the air. Yeah. Docs. A woman came to our live show directly from her mother's funeral. Yeah, she did. Gina, out in Chicago, she came to Tom's album, too. Yeah, she came to my album recording, too. From her mom's second funeral.

Yeah. Yeah. Weird. She reanimated her mother and killed her again. No, no, no. She had two gay moms and lost the other one. Just as Tommy was coming to town. One died of a normal illness and then one died of a broken gay heart.

Broken Himalaya podcasting app syndrome. It's very common among lesbian podcasting couples. Yeah, that I think might have been... That was the most jarring moment for me. Well, it was weird because it was like... So that was at the beginning

of the fucking The Weird Midwest tour we did. Yeah. And it was like up until that point... And it's weird to talk about it in such distant terms because it wasn't that long ago but like up until that point it's like you really kind of felt like we might have been shouting into the void a little bit like yeah and even like we were doing okay on patreon but i was like i don't know if anyone's actually listening to this we had no idea if anyone was coming it felt like we were going to the moon or like america back in the 1600s we were just going out there and we got to milwaukee and milwaukee so well but it was also a stand-up show and it was like co-produced by some local guys

there and we knew there were some people we had fans out there yeah there's not like we did in chicago like yeah that was the first time we were like oh shit people actually this they mean something to people you know i wish i could remember a name off the top of my head but the gal with the dead mom gina gina that's what it is well no she she came up to me and uh at the second show and she's like you remembered me and i was like i told you i'd never forget you this is fucking crazy yeah that was the moment when i was like i don't know how we did this but we really seem to have tapped into something that matters to people and gina's really awesome it was great talking to her both times we got to hang out and uh i mean that was just like a nice microcosm of how like flattering and sort of like profound it's been personally to just mean something to people and to be able to do something that's, you know, makes them feel good when things are bad.

I mean, we meant more than her mom did. Clearly. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We waited another year and a half. We might not. We might not have meant more than her mom did. We certainly meant more than her uncles, because that's who she was going to be hanging out with. So we're at least beating their cousins or brother.

You know, for a show that was guaranteed to be better than the snack spread at a funeral. Yeah, but it's better than a charcuterie plate from the staters in fucking Wisconsin. Yeah, you don't want fucking Costco lunch meat. Yeah. An entire family of juggalos drove across state lines to visit us. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking.

Like, ma and pa juggalo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did it in Indiana and Illinois. The Beverly in the beverly kill billies out there yeah dude they fucking rocked ma on a rocking video game chair on top of the truck yeah gave us fago uh severely autistic people got on buses and booked out of state hotel rooms to come see our shows it's also what the tour was yeah that's what it was that's that was me yeah but yeah people with, they were like, oh, I was like, were you talking like, oh, you got like bad autism and you took several buses and you're like way out there. You're like, I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah, I know. Particularly whatever.

Chicago show. Whatever. Yeah. Blew my mind. Yeah. Whatever I mean. I've told this to Keith before. I don't know.

I've told you to you. Whenever I meet mean boys fans when you guys aren't there, I can immediately tell who they're a fan of, if they're a bigger fan of Keith or you. Because if they're a big fan of Keith, their bisexuality organist immediately comes up in the first five minutes of the conversation. And if they're a big fan...

Don't get me twisted. I like this show, but I am also here to fuck. And here comes the part where they do something terrible. And if they go, yeah, they thought I was autistic or a sociopath as a kid, they're always a giant fan of you. That's nice. I got a crowd. Yeah.

What is the sign of a Tom fan? I don't really know. If they tell me stories about them being dumb, I know that I'm probably their favorite on the show. Like, one time I ran into a glass window. Do people try to impress you with their version of the sailing like one time i ran into a glass window do people try to impress you with their version of the sailing captain story and stuff like that kind of sometimes a little bit i've seen it happen yeah sometimes and it's it's never bugged me i think it's funny

it's a charming nut it is a weird like i mean that's probably a little better than like you know what some people get the airport if you if you're getting just like the one time i fought a cop on on top of a fire truck or what yeah uh we sold 100 hats to people that was funny this didn't happen to me that often it did every once in a while we got recognized randomly in public like not at a show yeah that's game we got recognized yeah yeah and how was it with you guys that one of my favorite moments of us getting recognized, there was a dude who was like, he was looking at a show.

This is in San Diego. Look in the showroom, look at me in the showroom. And he goes, is that a comedy show on there? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, are you Tom Goss? And I go, yeah. And he's like, whoa. I was like, yeah, Mean Boys? He goes, yeah. And he goes, oh, I just went up. Keith he's like, whoa. I was like, yeah, Mean Boys? He goes, yeah.

And he goes, oh, I just went up. Keith's about to go up. And he goes, oh, I'm with some girls. So I'm not going to subject women to that. It was a free show, too. And he still, I thought he was coming for the show when he said Mean Boys. The girls could have sat down. His excuse wasn't even that good yeah i had a great one last year where i was uh i was on a date with my uh my

girlfriend we haven't been dating that long at the time we were walking through pasadena and this car just hold the mic closer peels around a corner and just goes mean boy and i'm like man you just made me look cool enough to probably do anal like it rocks real hard you know what's interesting is i get recognized more from Mean Boys is stand-up. And I think it's because when I do stand-up, people, like, know what I look like. But I think the show, I go through so many different looks. What people imagine you look like is always so funny to me. You know when they draw, like, you know those T-shirts with rap and Looney Tunes characters?

Yeah. I think people think Tom is just the rap and Tasmanian devil. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I think his mental image is. Kind of, yeah. Baggy pants, wife beater, and just...

I mean, this one, I mean, we've talked about it a lot over the years. It's not to be understated. We had Steve Ranazzisi on the program on 9-11 two years in a row. I mean, that's good.

That's good stuff. And as a subnote to this, and I know I've told this story, I negotiated the second appearance while also nude with Steve Ranazzisi. That's right. I literally was looking at Steve Ranazzisi's penis, which, again, I will tell the world because it should know amazing hog. Yeah.

Like, Ranazzisi, he'll never say it, but I have no shame. Piped up like a motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Like, a big enough dick. He has a dick big enough to where you're like, I understand how you have big enough nuts to lie about 9-11. He has such a big enough dick he has a dick big enough to where you're like I understand how you have big enough nuts to lie about 9-11 and you're there he has such a big dick

you talk about you turn into Mark Malloy for a second you turn into Keith you're getting like inspired when you talk about it his dick is so big

if the plane hit it it would have fucking turned around and gone back to Ferkenturkel stand you're doing like big dick Braveheart right now

Keith's like eyes light up and he starts really pontificating about something passionately. He was just like, let me capture this dick. I feel like Michelangelo about to paint the Sistine Chapel. I have seen the glory of the Lord. Yes. I tried three new foods on this program.

I love that that made the list. Yeah. Fucking child. Big event. I tried rhubarb. I tried soup. And I tried a little food called friendship you guys okay first of all shut up second of all what did you like better rhubarb

or soup uh i guess rhubarb because it didn't make me want to throw up in my mouth one of my favorite moments is his name's darius kennedy comic who was on uh the chicago live show i still have uh that mental image of him chasing you with the chowder and you running out the back door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had the vibe of because he kept yelling a lot of racially charged stuff about it. Very funny. Oh, this is your reparations against fucking mediocre

white men throughout the comedy scene. I like to think I've let a lot of black guests get some secondhand reparations just dunking on me on the program. You're filling in for a lifetime of fucking Dylans. I don't mind taking that role. All three black guests really got their reparations

on you. Every one of them. All Darius and Jamar really got their reparations on you. No, we had four. Darius, Jamar, Opie when he cut his hair, Opie, classic. Opie, classic. He has two skins like a fighting game. You both want to, Opie when he cut his hair, Opie classic. Opie classic. He has two skins like a fighting game.

You both want to play Opie. We're just describing. Yeah. We can't list the black people. That's a bad move. We just did. Yeah. We finished.

We're pretty close to the end. Kyrene, bonus episode. Doesn't really count. Yeah. And also, I just thought of small stuff like Keith finding true love. Ben, they told my high school friends to go fuck themselves. How cool was that? That was nuts.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, couples got together because of the show. Like that guy. That's crazy, right? Yeah. When we did a show in Arizona for two people, one of them or one guy. Yeah.

We made him shirts. He brought him to his girlfriend. Then he came to the show with his girlfriend. We saw him again. And, you know, they're still dating and they kind of bonded over in the early years and like that was weird i'm like he was this brought you together with someone else he was the one guy who showed up to our show in arizona and he fucking got the shirt and mailed it like across the fucking country and then the shirt worth less than the postage and the envelope as well by the way fucking that's wild was he was

he the one in portland yeah yeah yeah no i, yeah, yeah. No, I like that guy. I know. We tagged a guy's... I forgot this one, but we tagged a guy's dead dad's jacket. Yeah. Didn't we tag a couple dead dad articles? Might have. We did at least the jacket.

That was the big one. We tagged a lot of... I miss the spray paint era. That was fun. That was kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we did. We had a lot of fun, like little parts of the Mean Boys legend, you know?

I do like the idea that someday, I mean, one of us, you know, dies in some kind of crazy accident and all the memorabilia, all the Patreon swag

becomes sought after and collected. Yeah, it's just like, oh, the Keith Flagg sticker. Oh, dude,

these are so fucking rare. That's worth so much as you fell into that meat grinder during his trip to the Willy Wonka factory for beef. Oh,

yeah, when he was filming that field piece for fucking... He found that golden cow hide. Yeah. Quick, Tom's day. Get that sticker of Connor and Keith together. Wait, what?

The idea that Tom dies and merch with our faces. Oh, you want the good stuff. Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah, Jeff Ross accidentally bought Tom Goss' sandwich. Yes. That came full circle. Yeah.

Yeah, that was a good one. Two of the boys recorded full-length professional comedy albums. Keith, more than one. Yeah. I think during the Mean Boys tenure. I feel like my first one might have been right before me. Maybe. I don't know.

It was during, I think. I think it was earlier. No, you know what? It was earlier because it was 2016. It was either, yeah. Oh, it was 2016? And it was earlier because it was 2016 it was either yeah oh it was 2016 early yeah yeah yeah okay yeah because i remember you talking about it and plugging it and all that in the early before i was a full-time boy and uh yeah yeah you're a boy for hire yeah yeah what's what's the uh what's the latest scoop on your album tom so the people can kind of yeah november november 7th it will be out on pre-sale please buy it on pre-sale uh black friday it will be out and available for

all of you guys so please listen tell a friend uh it's fucking great i was there tom killed i mean it sounds amazing yeah no it sounds It sounds good Yeah You got a great title Yeah Dead from Chicago The art is Awesome Phenomenal

Yeah Looks sick Andrea Gazzetta made it Which you guys know her from the show And it's fucking It's fucking phenomenal Yeah And you guys are gonna get

Your fucking dicks lit up By this album It's so good Yeah Or you'll feel Eh about it But you should buy it either way Well you don't have a dick

You'll get your Whatever Your, your front butt lit up. Oh, which reminds me. I thought of a new name. And I got to say it on this show. Oh, yeah. When else? Of course. Yeah.

Where else am I going to do this? New name for clits, vagina nipples. And I think. It was pussy nipples before. Well, then, guys, I got a new name. New name for vagina nipples, pussy nipples. Do you guys know new names? Do you guys know new names? New name for vagina nipples, pussy nipples Do you guys know new names? New name for pussy nipples, clammeries

Ooh, I like clammeries That makes it sound like a business That's a good whorehouse, the clammery? Yes, the clammery, down to the local clammery To partake in some fishy goods Now I've been known to spend a leisurely hour or three At the clamambory, but I'm a married man.

Come, come forth, Hezekiah. Let's go a-shucking. Yes. We did a live show at Danny's in Fresno. Yeah, yeah. No, I was...

Where I was personally just texting open micers in Fresno saying, please come to our show. And then too many of them showed up. We did poppers on stage. And then a lot of them went out. We did poppers on stage.

And then a lot of them went out on their jabs. Yeah. We never settled. I genuinely remember telling the Denny's guy, tell you what, man, I'll get a hold of you guys. I'll email you tomorrow and we'll settle up the score. Yeah. Sayonara nerds. Fucking later, dorks.

I'm going to hop on the grapevine and get the fuck out of this situation. That'll teach you to trust. Yeah, yeah. He should know better as the manager of a Denny's in Fresno. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, this is the least crime that's ever happened at once in a Denny's. Every moment in that man's life prepared him for that. He fucked it up. It's all on him.

If you manage a Fresno Denny's, your life is training day with omelets. That's all it is. You know how you'd forget your name badge at work and you'd be a situation you have to get a new one it's that way at the danny's and fresno with your fucking shotgun yeah it's on you it's a barter economy tom did that show also dying of like heat poison oh yeah i was i was legitimately uh sick it's also funny listening back to old episodes and seeing how weird i was about my own pancreatitis when i was first getting it. Oh, yeah. I was very, I was very, I wasn't sensitive. I was just, I was just.

You were hiding it the way like an obviously pregnant woman hides the pregnancy. We all know. Yeah. Just tell us. It's a problem. Yeah. Are you going to announce it on the last show? What's that?

That I'm pregnant. Just one more, a couple more lazy fat jokes for the road hey we haven't even got to the joke off yet save it oh yeah i don't even have any fuck wait what fat jokes about you okay oh yeah i have jokes uh no i do at the bottom of the list uh the van damme academy formerly disowned tom goss yeah yeah i mean I know it's not your favorite chapter of the story, but it's in the book. It's really funny. We paid our rent for years. That was weird.

Yeah. Yeah. The show paid for us to live. Which I would like to say, because my rent was $100 there. But your guys' was $300 for a bedroom, and it was, what, $500 when there were seven of us? Something, yeah. It wasn't like it was that much less than the rest of you for the kitchen. No, not at all, yeah.

And it was weird just being like, well, I work for these 200 people. Yeah, that was the weirdest part is being like, oh, our business. Yeah, the shareholders. Yeah. Yeah. They need more fudge lords.

I mean, it was good. All that stuff was just a big pain in the ass. Yeah. I mean, we did our best. We tried. I mean, look, I think there was a point with the show where it became a thing of like we didn't think anyone gave a shit and then when they did we were like oh no we have to learn how to do stuff it really got away from us yeah yeah i really think we did make more mean boys than was personally responsible for anybody

you're not wrong man yeah you know i think it i think it definitely like uh yeah we we put up a lot of some big numbers all things considered yeah i mean just we're realizing now how many live shows we've done while very sick yeah yeah all three of us have kind of played through some fucking hurt yeah because i did halloween and then especially the ones in orlando out and uh on the road that orlando show was like fuck i was dude it looked like round 10 of the rocky apollo creed fight i know that was like the worst week of my life yeah you and then you had some fucking lady hitting you too oh god yeah no i don't think she hit her she hit me like once or twice maybe i don't remember you had a very hey fuck off with this shit yeah i was like

that was like jalomino was pretty much okay when i got up on stage, but there I was just like I'm Maintaining barely right yeah, no I remember the Denny's show I was literally praying for death at a certain point. I was so much paid Yeah, I know you were hurt the night before that at the party I was just like delirious like I was just like falling down But like not drunk on it like not any just my body was shutting down are you talking about the jacksonville show yeah yeah yeah yeah uh yeah that's when i lost my mind in the van uh we tom and i this is a personal one we drove over a thousand miles to perform for 10 people in a boxing ring yeah i remember that that was a good one tell you about freezing yep you did teach me

you'll you fucking tom owned me i forgot core of the earth i left my milk outside and it was like zero degrees yeah and then you he was he caught her was astounded that it froze overnight i was like wow it froze it's so crazy no you were like annoyed you were like i can't believe it rose what did i say yeah you were you're like you were like mad like i just didn't think it was gonna freeze i'm like well if it goes under 32 degrees that's below free it's going to freeze it and you go i know i went to college i took a chemistry class or something like that yeah then i was like yeah i know i took physics classes the toad the toad is not accurate no yeah i was i was probably no i got smart i did you know yeah and then i think you should

have taken a freezing class. Dozens of mildly successful comedians learned about Keith and the dog. All over the world they know. All over the country. It was so funny. Week one at Spade, like somehow a dog came up. And I don't think you were thinking about why I wouldn't want to do it, but you just go, oh, my God, are you going to tell them the story? And I was like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I don't think they know yet.

No, they don't, and I'm terrified of when they find out. I know. Don't tweet at David Spade about the dog. He won't see it, but I don't want to do it. He reads those tweets, guys. He checks them every time. He reads the script.

No, but he reads the tweets. He's too busy reading the tweets. He doesn't read the script. Ramsey but he reads the tweets. He's too busy reading the tweets. That's why he didn't read the script. Ramsey got scammed on terrorism panties. Oh, yeah. That was a beautiful one. He paid for panties that were soaked in sad juices and never showed up. We were discussing contacting Interpol about that at one point.

I know, yeah. That would have been funny. We demand satisfaction. It's not an army. It's Interval. We were trying to buy a roast beef wrapper. It's funny. Keith was thinking more in the cowboy sense, and Tom went more customer.

Which tells me a lot about how you handle fast food transactions. But Arby's also has a cowboy's theme, so it kind of splits the difference well. Welcome to Arby's. What do you want? Satisfaction. We got a triple beef and cheddar. I'll take that, I guess. I mean, I know in the broader sense, but are you thinking like a Mr. Pibb?

What do you want to do? We got to write for a couple TV shows. We did. You know, that was cool. A lot of that came from Mean Boys. Yeah, no, 100%. I think we also, by the time we kind of started. The we is, this is your guys' freezing.

Hang on a second, because I a second to loop you into something. So, number one, I feel like, you know, we got to write historical roast. And we obviously are writing lights out right now. We got to do roast battle. I think a lot of that shit. We were much stronger writers than we would have been without Mean Boys. Mean Boys kind of forced us to be accountable and fucking. Yeah.

Muscle. We also you got to write a thing, too. You wrote on that porn. I wrote the porn thing. I know. I see you kind of going, yeah, whatever. That was fucking great. And you showed up like and honestly outwrote the both of us.

Thanks, man. You fucking murdered that. You carried that fucking thing. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun on there. You had some great jokes. Yeah, we did.

We did the nude roast battle, of course. Yeah. I mean, just so many people. I was just thinking about all the people that let us in. Somebody at work was just asking me today. They were like, are there any pictures of the unc the nude roast battle, of course. Yeah. I mean, just so many people. I was just thinking about all the people that let us in. Somebody at work was just asking me today. They were like, are there any pictures of the uncensored naked roast battle? I'll tell you who it was off air. And I was just like, I mean, if you creep far enough on my Twitter time on a guest,

you can find you. You see a scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. Fun fact, I don't know if I've said this on the air, but I think I've told you guys. My friend was there. She's a virgin. Never seen a penis. Your guys' penises were the first penises she's ever seen in real life. She's seen them online, of course.

All right, well, let's ask what she think. She thought they were like, she was like, they seem, they seem, she goes, they seem scared. Yeah, we weren't in fighting shape. That's such an innocent virgin way to describe his shrunken penis, too. I was looking at the picture. He looks a little scared. Of my dick from that night today, and man, I am all foreskin. Dude, it's the worst my dick ever looked.

It is a lot of... And the most documented it's ever been. You know when you see a cartoon hobo from a Disney cartoon, and they have a real big sock on not a lot of foot? That's kind of what my dick looked like. No, your dick looked like Trayvon Martin's hoodie now. It's just fucking empty. Like, you know the hat Samuel L. Jackson wears?

I had a Kangol foreskin. Yeah, just kind of like pop, just pop. The Tangle. Well, I found the most fucked up way to describe a lot of foreskin on a dick. I don't feel good about that one, ladies and gentlemen. We started. I was just thinking about all the people that let us into their houses to sleep. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Thanks for doing that, but you shouldn't have done that. Like, never do that for another pot. How many people's internet did you get shut off? Just the one, I think. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the lady in Austin who you fucked over downloading jackass 2.5

yeah it was nathan for you jackass 2.5 was it our was our house i think i also got busted on jackass 3 when you're less than 2.5 no not even 0.5 jackasses i hadn't even figured it out uh yeah i mean so many fucking people just so many air mattresses and nice beds and couches and floors and thank you yeah just i was thinking about that you're so nice watching hockey with those people I mean, so many fucking people, just so many air mattresses and nice beds and couches and floors. Thank you. Yeah. Just I was thinking about that. You're so nice. Yeah.

Hockey with those people in Dallas. I mean, people that were like, like this guy that was a college friend of Joe's that like we had no reason to know or whatever. Just hung out with him for like three days. He was a lovely guy. Alex, your show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was great.

Yeah. I remember that Dallas house because you've pretty much caught me jerking off. Oh, I. Yeah, yeah. Fucking hair jerk was great. Yeah, it was awesome. I remember that Dallas house because you pretty much caught me jerking off. Oh, I sure did. I sure did. Because you want to tell the story because it's pretty funny. Well, every time Keith gets up to jerk off, he has this energy about himself like, well, time to take a business shit. Time to do a personal poop business.

He's trying too hard to be nonchalant So he just looks like And I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it And I can tell now that you know And it bums me out so much It's so fucking funny Whenever Keith says Smoke a cigarette, get into some stuff I'm like, well I know what that is

I know what the et cetera means We started a field podcast network For a minute. The Bad Audio Network. Rest in peace. The graveyard where half of our old listeners still are today. I know. There's probably a lot of people that are like, man, are they still doing that?

They're like, oh, no, hey. Bad Audio Network seemed... Our hearts were in the right place. Yeah. You know what it really was? It was right after Joe left, and it was the podcast equivalent of going through a breakup and getting a big dramatic haircut. Oh, sure.

I mean, it's like, I don't need him. We're fine. Well, it wasn't even that emotionally charged. It didn't have that much to do with him. I think we just were kind of getting ambitious and excited. That's what I'm saying, that we were just like, we're going to be the biggest, and we had no plan past, what if we had a business? It was the most cocaine idea that wasn't made out of cocaine.

We weren't doing any drugs. I've never done cocaine. That was real fucking. I have. I know you have. Yeah. I think the biggest, you know, I think the biggest reason that failed as bad as it did, it was all on one feed.

So all the mean boys people who were like not diehards. I don't want fucking nine downloads in a week. Of course. Yeah. And totally in retrospect. Yeah. Yeah want fucking nine downloads in a week. Of course, yeah. In retrospect, yeah. Made no sense. They just needed different feeds and stuff. But guys, I actually, my new,

I want to announce my new podcasting network right now. The Bad Audio 2 Network. The Badder Audio Network. Yeah, the Badder Audio Network. It'll still be on Starburns. Who definitely don't know where it's it's a sub label you know how like uh like like def jam has good music it's like yeah it's a you know he's got his own sub network yeah we talked to your mom christmas time that was

great that was an amazing that was amazing that's yeah that's the one of the craziest that's the best joe rogan podcast i ever heard you know like my mom sent a text, because I tried to get her to send a video message for Halloween, but she couldn't quite get the technology right. But she wanted everyone to know that she loves all of you guys, and she loves me, and she loves Tom, and fuck Connor. That was my mom's direct quote. I was thinking about all the stuff we sold, so just in no particular order. Inflatable couches.

I took some air quotes on that. The concept of gambling we sold. So just in no particular order. Inflatable couches. I put some air quotes on that. Yeah. The concept of gambling we sold for a while. Office of money, baby. Yeah. Headphones. Mr. Ear, Ear.

You go back. You wait your fucking turn. I still use those. A podcasting app. Bouquets, briefly. Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. I remember that.

Yeah, Pietro, dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pietro's flowers. Pietro's flowers. In my country, I was a surgeon. In my country. Yeah, yeah. I forgot about that. I remember that. Yeah, Pietro, dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pietro's Flowers. In my country, I was a surgeon. In my country. Yeah, yeah. Perfume.

We did perfume a little bit. Oh, fuck. Right? Oh, yeah. We did clothes for Tom. Oh, yeah. Stitch Fix. Yeah, Stitch Fix.

Which I will say, look, they're not paying us for this ad. Stitch Fix actually did make you start dressing like a human being. Yeah. I think Stitch Fix and you losing enough weight to wear Conor's clothes, you started really cleaning up your look, and it actually has been transformative. Yeah, I need to start working out because I'm gaining some weight back.

You look healthy, though. You look good. I'm about a month away from looking unhealthy. I need to get on it. I'm not telling you not to work out. You look better than you think. You look good. There's been a lot of road food. We won't be podcasting anymore, so I don't I just I need to get on it. I'm not. No, I'm not telling you not to work out. You know your body. You know. Yeah. You look good.

It'll been a lot of road food. We won't be podcasting anymore, so I don't care if you're fat. It's no longer a business decision. Right. Yeah. Me and Keith are. I'm going to stay nice and fat. So you got something to riff on in the room.

Thank you. Yeah, I got you. Yeah. You know, it's where the bread is buttered. And of course, Don Carlos taco shop. Still the best fucking California burrito I've ever had. They're not paying us to say this right now. Yeah. now yeah genuinely I ate a burrito of theirs before they sponsored mean boys and I fucking thought it was phenomenal I believe birth of the I believe that was the first ad spokesman we ever made up was the taco monster yeah it's me for a second I swear to god

you said it was the birth of and and I thought you were going to say nation. Don Carlos, the official California burrito of the Ku Klux Klan. Now I just imagined a bunch of burritos on horses in Klan ropes. The tortillas in the Klan. Sorry. They're burning taquito crosses. Yeah, yeah. Muy caliente. They're Mexican. They're burning taquito crosses. Yeah, yeah. Muy caliente.

They're Mexican. They're still Mexican. Of course. I got the wet burrito. You don't want to know how they make it wet. It is blood, and it belongs to a certain color of person. Emmett Tostada. Emmett Tostada.

We outlasted water and power, guys. Dude, we outran water and power. You think about that i mean we fucking gave up yeah yeah we beat the government i think they got tired and gave up yeah like cockroaches guys dude if you take any lesson from mean boys i said if you fuck up long enough you'll win yeah yeah like if you just really dig in your heels and yeah sure yeah fucked if you just commit to a losing idea like i bombed my credit when i was 18 to, like, nothing, to ash. And I basically just lived a bad enough life for a decade that then I just had no credit.

And now I have good credit. Yeah. Yeah. I went from a, you, this man does not. And then the moral of that story is, and later I did it with electricity. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I do.

I do. We did do the version. Fuck. Who are those people who decided to hang out in a national park? I'd be like, this is our land. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Oregon militia guy. Yeah, the Oregon militia.

We did a better job at their idea on accidents. Yeah, and without the weird racial overtones. I know. We didn't need all the pomp and circumstance. You don't need an assault rifle. Just lock the gate. You know, like, it's not that big a deal. Boomer lives.

Oh, yeah. This is my impression of Mark Maron losing an argument with a cat. Okay, Boomer. Oh. I forgot about the meme. Yeah. We partied at Circus Circus. Yeah, we did.

We shot a porn. Circus, so nice, a hooker died there twice. We had tense negotiations at a Domino's. That's where I walked through that gunfight, right? a porn. Circus. No. So nice. A hooker died there twice. We had tense negotiations at a Domino's. That's where I walked through that gunfight, right? At Circus Circus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You walked into gunfire. Yeah. And then and then. Why do you think I'm faking it? And walked out annoyed as like all the bathroom stalls were taken. Like it wasn't that big a deal. What a pain. Yeah, that was amazing.

It was literally the same day that I got to touch April O'Neil's butt cheeks when we were taking this picture. I'm like, this is the best day of my life. And I'm like, oh, Tom's going to die and it's going to have to be

a mixed bag. Yeah. Look, I've always said, if you just look apathetic to the gunfire and just keep on going, you're too boring to shoot. Yeah.

You know? It's like... Somebody goes, he's got a gun and you went, hello. You move towards it like a cartoon hobo who smelled a pie, like traveling on the smell.

Oh, is that the sweet release of death I smell? No, I just maintained my current speed and ignored everything going on around me. Look, I understand you're supposed to avoid the gunfire, but I also wanted to get across the hallway. You weren't even walking in the direction we were trying to go. Because what I remember is Keith and I was going to go play slots, and you said, I'm going to go hang out in front of the guy that looks just like Tupac. And then something happened, and then we came back.

I don't really. Go hang out with 3Pac. Yeah. We had tense negotiations at a Domino's with the organizer of a comedy festival that tried to pay us less than what we agreed on. Yeah. We sat at a pizza place and had a Soprano-style shakedown. We genuinely had to barter to get the money we were owed. And like every Mean Boys story about this, it's not that much money.

Yeah. I mean, while you guys were doing that, there were a lot of fucking people who were annoyed at you guys for being too mean on the roast. And I was going to each person individually explain. It was all a character. I didn't give a shit. I did what they paid me to go do.

No, it wasn't people who ran the festival. Right. No, no, but even the fans. Was it comedians? I was trying to smooth people over, or just people who were there. Oh, I had no intention of ever going back to fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana again after that. Yeah, I don't know. That's one place where I don't know that I ever need to go back.

No, they would have to offer me a hilarious amount of money to get me to go back. I'd go to Indiana, but to Fort Wayne. Yeah, hilarious like high or low? High. What do they have for you? No, I said they would have to. Oh, okay. I thought you said they offered me a hilarious amount of money and you said no.

No one's offering me anything. And I was like, when has Keith ever turned down a hilarious amount of anything? You've never turned down a hilarious amount of woman, food, money? We're also glossing over again my favorite part of that pizza thing which is while this is happening the lady working at the dominoes is aggressively mentally challenged oh god i forgot about that there is some sort of music loop that is just the first five seconds of the looney tunes theme song oh yeah for 40 minutes yeah it was oh my god yeah i forgot about fuck that was upsetting yeah it was just a lot

it was a david lynch movie every single time like whenever we go on the road we end up in these weird like character study tone poems in these art movies where it's like there's a girl that can't like spell that's listening to cartoon songs where a guy's trying to short you on money like some kind of tom waits absent nightmare you know i was gonna say our interest should be you see these guys headlining clubs college and tom waits song i know people had sex with those live shows that's the next thing i wrote down a few people told me that they fucked the mean boy shows or after the shows yeah because of people they met at the show that's right you know i mean we did we did probably the most i've i've never i don't think i've ever had sex after a mean boy show

let me think how many times i did it and not that often once maybe just once um twice twice three times yeah i was always busy being an unhealthy relationship so i couldn't fucking yeah i was oh yeah i did a good amount of that too yeah yep four through i'm at two yeah i think just two are you counting pre-show sucks keith uh i i'm counting four that i remember i'd have to actually go through the rolodex yeah this is this is probably what they want to hear yeah i don't know the point it was fun it was fun yeah everybody seems stoked thank you to anybody who fucked me on the road

I really appreciate it everyone that fucked Keith I think that's on the list here Keith got laid a bunch yeah that's a few down yeah there we go I was thinking about just all our amazing callers

and listeners Short Puss Murphy no particular order the buffoon from the lagoon Alexis Andrew Hillary Ryan Colby Orion

our first real life fan that we met Orion those two dumb English guys that sent an audio clip and an email oh that's right The pig mother trucker Oh you fucking

Grave And of course Our favorite voicemail Lever The person whose friend Just died Yeah Many of them have

That's like six different guys Yeah there's There's And we're all thinking Of one and I bet We're all thinking Of a different I know

There's been No I think We're probably thinking Of the one There's been several That I've thought of There's been There's been A lot, I think we're probably thinking of the one. There's been several that I've thought of. There have been a lot of mean boys. A lot of pig children have fucking blown their heads off over the years. Yeah, we really found out that we're in the suicide.

That's not on the list here. We found out that, look, we may not have 18 to 35. We may not have millennials or Gen Z, but we got the suicidal in the demo. Yeah, no, look. We have a robust and unreliable Patreon. Yeah, we have a robust and finite listenership. Oh, man. So, yeah, two national tours,

two snark weeks. God, that's an undertaking in and of itself. We debated. We were thinking about doing a snark week to end the show, and I pitched it out, and Connor just looked at me, just like, please don't hit me no more, Pa. I don't know if i could do it another one it's understandable man but those those two that second snark week i maintained is some of the best shit we ever did oh yeah they're all great yeah yeah i love doing that i mean look that when spade gets canceled we'll do

another one as a joke we'll snark back uh we convinced a man to convert to Islam and sell us his kidney. Yeah, we did. That wasn't even as much weed. That was Ramsey. Yeah, go back and listen. We won't get into all of it right here. If you haven't listened to Halloween yet, go listen to Ramsey's segment and find out the dark truth we found out about that story. Yeah.

We brought 10 D&D guys to the Booty Club in Milwaukee. Oh, that rocked that was so awesome when we brought the me boys fans to the club and it was like one of those like turn up dance clubs and it was just a bunch of fucking reddit guys hanging out yeah i know you remember this yeah spilling stuff on their funny t-shirts i sure do to people because this is uh these are the days when uh uh keith the kids was single and uh uh I took a lot of photos of I took photos of both of you Making out with different girls

On that trip I think Or was that I was dancing with a girl You were dancing with a girl And you have a girl You got me through the window Because we were outside the bar Yeah

Me and this girl were smoking And we started making out a little And then I turn And it's just a wall of Mean Boys The whole Mean Boys show Just like the fucking Gorilla enclosure at the zoo. Yeah, yeah.

It's like... Yeah, yeah. Like tapping the glass and shit. Like all of it. Yeah, Tom just... Click. This is such an inside reference that no one's going to get,

but it seemed like the police scene when they show up to that film Trust. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Look, anyone who got that reference, they're going to think that's pretty funny

slash horrifying. I don't doubt for a second that it works. Yeah, yeah. That was fucking fun. Yeah, no, that was that whole fucking tour. I mean, both tours were great. I guess for anybody who can't tell, we're vaping. Connor left me with 215 episodes.

We still haven't figured out that sometimes it's okay to press pause. That's fine. I don't know, can you think of anything that we haven't discussed that was on the list? I mean,

there's so much shit. There's a lot of shit. I mean, I love the comic, the endless bummer, the Comic-Con show. Oh, yeah, the Comic-Con show

remains one of the greatest failures. I know. But you know, I mean, look, we said it at Halloween. Three of the four people who were at Halloween or who were at Endless Bummer came to Halloween. And this time they got to see a show with, like, 80 more fucking people. I know. And, yeah, really, they got some return on their fan investment, I guess, you know?

Yeah, I think it's pretty cool to be like, I was there before anyone. They're like, I can't say I was there before it was cool, but I mean, I guess I was there before the rest of these 80 guys. Yeah. What else we got on the list? Oh, man. Somebody bought Fart.Lawyer. Oh, yeah. Oh, all the domain names.

Yeah. So many. Yeah. Shout out to all the fake Twitters that have sprung up off this show. Hitler 69, 420. Yeah. Reeve Carey, Undercover Dan. Yeah. People confessed. Hitler 69, 420. Yeah. Reeve Carey, undercover Dan. Yeah.

People confessed to countless crimes on the air. Yeah. Oh, Tom Goss quotes. Oh, what were some... Well, I know some of the crimes. What were some of the other... Let's not talk about the crimes. Yeah, that's...

I just thought it was funny just thinking about how many people felt that safe. Yeah. They were just like, oh, I can say it here. It's fine. It really was. No one blew up anybody's spot about anything. That's another good thing to look at. We're not bad people, but we're also not narcs. like, oh, I can say it here. It's fine. It really was. No one blew up anybody's spot about anything.

That's another good thing to look at. We're not bad people, but we're also not narcs. Yeah, no one called Water and Power on us. Nobody really fucked with anybody because of the show. That's very true. What would they have told Water and Power? Hey, they're locking the gate. What were they going to do?

We're weird. We know. Tell me about it. We can't afford to buy pliers until they pay us. That's the rub of all this. All right. I got three more quick ones. Joe DeRosa technically appeared.

We made over 15,000. I thought we were talking about the good things that happened on the show. We made over 15,000 stickers, 46 of which made it to their destination successfully. And finally, we had Shane Gillis on before it was cool. So, I mean, we really. Dude, it's so funny. If you type mean boys into iTunes, the Shane Gillis on before it was cool. So, I mean, we really... Dude, it's so funny. If you type mean boys into iTunes, the Shane Gillis one is absolutely the first one that pops up.

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, oh, some motherfuckers went digging. That's our legacy. The one with the bad sound because we had to clamp a mic to an ironing board. So to anybody from Vulture who started listening to the show since then, hello.

Hello and goodbye. Hi, guys. The whole Shane Gillis thing... We write for The Daily Show. Here's what I'll say about it. Old Shane Gillis made me realize how far Mean Boys was off the map. We didn't even click when people were actively looking. Yeah, I know.

No, yeah. Because we were worried about, oh, I wonder if they're going to come after our show. And then they're just like, you call that a show? It was funny. A lot of people after Shane Gate were like like are you guys gonna delete the episode are you gonna like you know take a stand for against shane i'm like no the fucking people said dumb shit we did our show look yeah i'm really not concerned what any other comedians doing i'm concerned about what i'm doing if you guys want to fucking that's that's for anyone who's not me to concern themselves with right you know i'm a big lover of censorship but i had to draw uh yeah so that was that was just a list

i made i've been kind of adding little things to it but yeah just think about it just looking at it all in one thrust i mean yeah yeah the four years of life it's pretty fucking nuts man it is yeah should we do some comedy on this show i think so we should but i have 50 minutes we could do some comedy has it been 50 oh my god this episode is gonna be seven hours long why don't we why don't we pause yeah take a quick piss and smoke break and then come back and bang yeah i need a snack we'll be right back with some jokes everybody oh uh we real quick before we forget we gotta cut a himalaya ad fucking himalaya ads it's the last one Let's just get it over with Alright Hey guys I'd like to do this

Last Himalaya by myself Yeah? Yeah if that's okay Yeah sure man Yeah that's fine Just let us know If you need anything Yeah

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good even now that was a different ad copy you were a vessel to sell ad space on a nihilist podcast and the show is over mr ear to tell you that nihilism and ad space don't really make a sensical pairing i'm aware mr i'm trying to tell you mean boys is done the mean boys podcast can be found on himalaya Podcasting app. I know that. And you can go listen on Himalaya forever. You aren't going to get it, are you? You know what you can get on Himalaya? Every podcast. Tell them about Playlist, Mr. Hero.

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other than Mean Boys that need help selling their sound-based ads. Mr. Ear loves the sound of that! You'll never be obsolete or interrupted or forgotten and will even have your own podcast where you can talk about various things that make sound to your heart's content.

Oh joyous day! Mr. Ear has never been happier in his entire life. Yeah, now that we're all sarcastically fired up, as Tom said, after our 20-minute break, you guys want to get into the last Mexican joke off? Aye, so final. Okay. You want to kick it away?

Oh, no. It's too much pressure. I got to find a good one. I got one. A famous pathologist said that Jeffrey Epstein's death wasn't, in fact, a suicide. According to his research, he just descended peacefully to heaven. No death. It was a virgin death.

Ah, yes. The one-man rapture. Well, yeah. Yeah. Never mind. No, I... Oh, it's just... When you die now,

you get 72 of Epstein's friends instead of... A 72 billionaire fucking funeral. Oh, yeah. Man. All right. So, a woman was... You guys know women. Yeah. All right. So a woman was scratched. You guys know women.

Yeah. If Jeffrey Epstein had just died in, like, 2006, there'd be so many great people at his funeral. There'd be, like, Prince would be there and shade. We'd have all these insane pictures right now. Anyway. A woman was scratched by a cat and developed a flesh-eating bacteria, meaning after 215 episodes, we'd never heard the story of Connor and the cat. Damn. I never did get around to that one.

A Connecticut domestic violence hotline is offering free online chat for battered women. Said trauma counselor Dice Clay. We call it punched in the face time. Oh, pow. Oh, it was a bit of a walk, Dice. Hey, look, I'll level with you. It was a normal joke, and then I was like, I got to do one more, Dice. Oh, okay.

Look, you're not about to hear my five best jokes. You're about to hear five tangentially Mean Boys related jokes. All right, guys. Well, Kim said that Kanye couldn't fit in the car with his Dino from the Flint Students costume, which is why the show is so relatable to people. It's like these are the problems they're facing. Your dinosaur doesn't fit in your Lamborghini.

It's accessible stuff. The Canadian Flintstones. That's the Flintstones where you're eating a protein bar. You're eating directly into a microphone. I'm hungry. You're wearing the official uniform of selling out right now. That is a good point. We're ending the show.

I'm doing it in a free Chili's t-shirt I got. So that should tell you how punk rock I really am. All preemptively, for all of you, how have you changed over the years? Look, the only thing that really changed between the three of us is Connor and Keith have money We're the same fucking idiots We're still cunts Yeah we have the same general personal dynamics A man with AIDS

You guys know AIDS Slips a 600 woman in hopes that What is woman Start it from the top Start it from the top. Start it from the top. I'm sorry. A man with AIDS. Now, when you say AIDS.

It's the thing you know. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? That helps you hear good. Yeah, the modern vampire thing. AIDS, the modern vampire. People with AIDS are glampires.

Anyway, this guy slept with 600 women. I'm never good at saying that word, but the vagina people, in hopes that they will spread it to men. Time-traveling Yakov Smirnov goes, in past man chose bug

and present bug chase you. I, in classic fashion, fucked that up in nine different directions. Your phone committed suicide by jumping off your lap. I said the wrong words. You got to do one of the most classically easy punchlines to deliver.

A yak off-span off-line and it said you went a-bob-a-do-bob-a-do-bop-bop-skin-a-bob-bob-a-do. What's really great about... Bill Cosby's scat bop. You've had a lot of great joke beefs over the years. What's great about that one is that the joke was really good. Yeah. It wasn't a solid joke.

It wasn't like one of the ones where afterwards it didn't quite connect and we didn't get it. It was just like, oh, that wouldn't work. I thought of doing this like 30 minutes before you guys came home from work. I should have went through all the jokes that I was too stumble-bumbled to do correctly. Oh. Clearly for once. Yeah. And then, you know what?

After all this time, once again, nothing changes. I still can't read my own writing. Is it my turn? It's my turn. Caitlyn Jenner has joined the cast of England's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. In a related story, Mean Boy superfan Alexis Dent will be appearing on Indiana's You're a Whatever You Are. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of my store.

Get off my proverbial lawn. You're something and I don't like it. I think Alexis is one of these small handful of civilians who deserves to be destroyed in a joke. Yeah. I was about to say, I thought you were going to say gun owner. Because when we were driving with her in Indiana, she was talking about all her guns. And then we get to the truck stop and it's just her being trans in a truck with a bunch of other guys in trucks. And it's like, this is where a gun seems like a good idea.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys. Pumpkin. I don't know if you saw this. The most popular raccoon on Instagram has passed away. I hope it's not too late to make him into a jack-o'-lantern. I really think...

Of all the jokes that got cut from Spade that you did on the show, that was my favorite. I love that show. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told that to my now ex-girlfriend. And she said, oh no, Pumpkin died. And I felt really bad. I can't believe that there are

famous raccoons. Oh, man. Jessica loved all of them, dude. She was like, oh my God, fucking... So she got abandoned by two trash monsters this month. Yeah. Well, I'd go say hi to Jessica when we were dating, and I'd be like, what's wrong? And she'd be like, Pierre, the ferret I follow from France has a cold,

and they don't know if he's gonna be as rambunctious for his big weekend at the park. I really... This is your problem, Connor. You're the ferret boy. Fix it. No, she didn't do that. I hate the present.

Whoa, that's hurtful to me. I'm a pretty active part of your present right now. He's not thrilled about the past. Uh-oh. I forgot about the past. I did some bad stuff back there. Man, we were just kids then. Yeah, we all made some moves. Speaking of

Indiana, an Indiana couple adopted and abandoned a Ukrainian girl with dwarfism because they thought she was a 33-year-old, lying about her age. After she was tested, though, they found out she was actually an 11-year-old dwarf or 400 years old in human years.

Time moves slow with the Keebler cookie. I know, it was all this stuff and I was trying to remember all the different dwarf ages and then it was just... They're dogs. They're like people, but less so. That's a good joke.

A man was arrested for feeding his mentally challenged son a lethal overdose of pills. Said Tom Goss, no fair, he had help. By the way, the record show, that will be the last Tom is retarded joke I'll ever tell. Oh, yeah. I don't believe you. I don't even have a good one. That's what I tell in a public forum. I don't believe you again.

Well, I'm not going to call you retarded anymore. You're just fucking Tom. Tom Tarded, baby. Tom Tarded. How did it take that long to get there? Damn, to title your one-man show? I don't know. Damn it. We have an episode title for not this one, but fucking

the next one. That could be the last episode title. I don't care. Tom Tarded, no. We got to call it something. What do we call it? I think we got to wait until the end to see if a clear front runner emerges. If not, we'll call it something. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Well, guys, Jason Momoa is catching some heat from Animal Rights Group for feeding a bear with his mouth. The bear wanted to comment, but he is not done coming yet. Give him a couple weeks. Let him blow that load out. I think he's just straight up lady in the tramp to fish into that bear's mouth. That's just cool. I think he's that bear's dad now. That's just a scary thing to do with an animal.

It's kind of cool. It's weird that people are mad at him. It's like, I don't know, the bear was probably... Yeah, that bear hates fish and meeting Jason Momoa. Yeah, that bear's like, I'm hanging out with Aquaman and I'm eating my favorite kind of thing. Those are two things that normally the people that are mad about this wouldn't shut the fuck up about. It's like, oh my God, this fish place.

It's a slow rage day. Jason Momoa being hot. Like, shut up. I didn't know who that was until you guys said Aquaman. I figured out he's the main fish. He's Aquaman. He's the main fish. Yo, what up?

It's my main fish, Aquaman. That reminds me of the intro you gave me in San Diego. If that was my credit, you would say, he's the main fish in Aquaman. Yo, what up? It's my main fish, Aquaman. That reminds me of the intro you gave me in San Diego. If that was my credit, you would say, he's the main fish from Aquaman. Give it up for Connor. He's a standard doodles comedy laugh guy. Standard doodles. Yeah. A woman, a lot of women in this one.

Progressive. Yeah. A woman has been able to quit her job to focus on eating food on YouTube. Meaning Mean Boys had the same success as a girl who ate a lot of food on YouTube and will live for a

comparable time frame. Yeah. Doing this every week, probably about as bad for you as eating a sleeve of Oreos on a webcam. This lady's not special. Lena Dunham did the same thing for HBO. She did the same thing for Christmas when her sister was three.

Oh, shit. They called it MukBuck or something like that? MukBang. MukBang. Yeah. MukBang? Where people like, it's those videos of cute Japanese girls eating a bunch of food and stuff like that.

Like weird ASMR food stuff. All that stuff. People eating food always gross me out. I don't get it. She's British. It's not for me. Oh, God. She's not even eating good food.

Yeah. It's British food. The favorite thing. Well, who wants to watch British teeth gnashing into treats? Yeah. My favorite part of the article is she works out three times a week in order to be able to eat this much food. I'm like, that's not enough to feed 10,000 calories in a sitting. Man, British teeth

just look like, you remember the pictures of Ground Zero after 9-11? There's just that one weird jagged half tower? That's British teeth. British gums look like the end of that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh, fuck. What's it? Total recall. Total recall. British teeth look like all the tile where we

lived in the pack, pal. Yeah, just like weird grout. I'm like, how'd this one break? Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, welcome to our new segment, the pot calling the kettle black. Oh, yeah. Me and my British mouth have the floor. A new study says autistic people have the most symmetrical brains. This study was conducted by Connor trying to convince people his autism is a superpower

and not just a thing that makes him annoying at parties. Everybody loves me at parties. Very smart. I've never made a powerful comedy out of me at a Halloween party. Whatever, man. What out of, you know. I'm going to, look, I hate having feuds. Now, do I have many?

Yes. Apple is warning some iPhone users that they'll have to update their phones or lose access to the Internet. Cricket Wireless has the same policy, but when they tell it to you, they're holding a spiked bat. Update your phone. Something might happen. Oh, no. Connor, was that your fourth or your fifth? I think fourth.

That was your fourth? All right. A man caught his wife cheating on him in the backseat of a car at a Costco. The man exclaimed, oh, no, I didn't want people to get a free sample of that. That's a perfect joke. Oh, thanks. Fuck, that's really good. 8chan, a known haven for neo-Nazis and mass shooters, has returned to the internet. So for those of you wondering where to go after Mean Boys ends, have fun.

And please don't write Hail Cardock on the walls when you finally snap. Oh, yeah, 8chan. I know. Where is it? The Mean Boys diaspora will be interesting. Yeah, I know a lot of them are talking about hanging out. They're keeping the Discord going. Yeah, that's good.

Because they seem like they all have a lot of friends in their system yeah yeah it is sad what a couple people have been like well i'm gonna leave the discord now goodbye so long which is such a funny thing to announce because it's just oh you're just not gonna push that button on your phone anymore it's like it's not like a party it's more leave if you more rude if you announce you leaving a discord yeah because it's like i don't really want to talk to you guys about just whatever you just stop going on discord yeah what one of them was also said some very sweet things and and that's you leaving a Discord. Yeah. Because it's like, I don't really want to talk to you guys about just whatever. You can just stop going on Discord. Well, I remember one of them also said some very sweet things

and thanking people for talking through some shit. No, fuck that whore. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. That's fine. Do what you got to do. I think it was the trans man

that drove from Nebraska all the way down to... I know who it was. Yeah, she's very nice. I'm just fucking around. Well, I was taking it seriously, Keith. You should have a more serious sentiment about this comedy podcast.

Yeah. You want to do... You got one more? That was my last one. All right. Rosie O'Donnell has called off her engagement with Elizabeth Rooney. They made it official by canceling their bridal registry at the Big Ugly Shirt Store. So, you know.

Really sticking it to big lesbian there. All right. My story. That's where they shop. Yeah. Really sticking it to big lesbian there. All right. That's where they shop. A five-year-old black child called 911 asking for McDonald's, and the cops delivered him McDonald's. The officer handed him the bag and said, now, get big and strong so in your teens you can get away from me. And that child grew up to be the Hamburglar.

That's his origin. Tom, you should make Joker, but for the Hamburglar. It's the guy who's always having burgers taken from him while his mom gets raped. And the abyss said, Robble, Robble. You don't get Marc Maron for your comedy cameo. You get Guy Fieri. He hosts the Food Network show, and you kill him live on air. Instead of dancing down those stairs, it's just him sliding down a

play place into a ball pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's playing the Mac Tonight. It's playing Mac the Knife, but it's Mac the Knife. There's a strong suggestion that him and the Grimace are actually related. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's implied. It's heavily implied in the third act. I mean, it's kind of a little Easter egg.

Like when they had that guy named Robin in The Dark Knight Rises, it wasn't really Robin. Yeah. That's what the Grimace is going to be for the fucking, the murder of Mayor McCheese. The study of the extended universe. Yeah. Starting the edgiest Hamburglar the world has ever seen.

Honestly. That would be a fun sketch to shoot. Yeah. I enjoy that. Yeah. The Hamburglar. Hamburglar origins. You guys want to do that?

Well maybe we'll be sketch guys. We'll just go right into that. You guys want to start a sketch troupe? Really? Really?

Now you want to write a sketch? Yeah I know. God sucker. Well you do it. I'll maybe buy a camera I know the plan And then Tom will do it

And I'll just kind of be around Yeah After a couple years of me pulling D-minuses out of my dickhole I'm done writing sketches for a minute I know God damn, you deserve a break, dude I have no idea how you do that The answer is poorly

Yeah, fuck I mean, I have no idea Like so many things in life, you look back and you're like How the fuck did I do that the answer is poorly yeah fuck i mean i have no idea how so like so many things in life you look back and you're like how the fuck did i do that right you know even if it was just like starting comedy and just i was so bad i had so little money or whatever it was and it's like i was mean boy shit like we fucking what why and how did we believe or whatever enough to make all this like happen did i remember crazy i remember standing where did the faith come from it wasn't inside i remember standing at the university of milwaukee and it's just it's fucking snowing and tom has a gopro duct tape to his fucking face and i'm just smoking a cigarette like and i'm like we're in

milwaukee yeah we're milwaukee because we think people listen to our podcast this is kind of yeah we're not gonna get to go home yeah somebody's gonna be like you're going. I'm going to have to ask my mom to PayPal us a couple of plane tickets. I for sure thought it was me because that was also the place to go, oh, yeah, we're doing mental health awareness month next month. And Connor goes, I know a really mentally unwell guy. He's actually here tonight. I love him. And then I walk in in a velour jacket with a GoPro attached to my head.

Did somebody order a problem? I swear I was just trying to get you with a GoPro attached to my head. Did somebody order a problem? I swear I was just trying to get you a gig. I know you were. But it was not a great gig. It wasn't my best pitch. Hello, I'm your feature. That was well-intentioned, though. I do know that.

I'm your feature slash the elephant in the room for the evening. Yeah. I think it's important to be able to hype up your friends. I've definitely done it the wrong way. I've always tried to be like, oh, he's going to be great. I've done it with Keith's dick at the wrong time. I've done it with health week. He's got a huge dick, and I'm talking to his mom.

She's like, I know. I'm proud of him. I washed it out of my vagina. She birthed me, and then the dick later. I put my dick on layaway in her womb. You came out dickhead first instead of... You think his shoulders tore my pussy?

No, that was a... I had to get a D-section. We're nervous because there's no hair on the baby's head. Oh, different head. I thought it was weird that he had one eye. Oh, that's a good sign. He's crying. It's a monster.

It's hot? Oh, fuck. Well, unless anybody else has any more joke-offs they want to throw out. All right, I got one. I got one more that I would do. All right, this one's a fun one. A man peed in the lobby of Harvey Fierstein's off-Broadway show right after he apologized, dumped out the pond and plant,

and said, I thought the marquee said Harvey Weinstein. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to do a bit. It's going to be great. I didn't write this one down, but I remember how it goes. A woman found a used condom in her hotel at Disney World. This was an ad for their new attraction, Mr. Lode's Wild Ride. Oh, man.

You know what? Fuck it. In Mean Boys tradition, I'll end on a bad one. Close it out middling. Now let Tom have the final blow. A woman. A woman. One woman.

One woman. Ah, ah, ah. Her nose and shin have grown exponentially because of a brain tumor. She has shrunk it down, though, both her chin, the tumor, and her nose by no longer lying. All right. First of all, good joke. Second of all, here's what I love. Women struggling to get out for going on 200 episodes now.

Exponentially, you pushed out no problem. Wait, pushed out? You said the word exponentially. Oh, yeah. Wait, what? Dude. You do speak like you're shoving every one of the words out of your mouth, like you're trying to get them into a crowded subway in Japan.

Your mouth sounds like it's getting dressed in a hurry. Is that exactly the women of Lockerbie? No, maybe. I don't know. It was a play I was in. I couldn't say the name of the play because I couldn't pluralize it correctly. And I was at this rehearsal for this for like six months. I kept going, the women of Lockerbie.

It's women. I go, what is a woman? They go, what the fuck? I'm like, no, I'm just saying. We turned to Who's On First at the place about a bunch of people who died in real life. It's based on actual. I was just like, I don't understand how to say the word. It's called the woman. It's called Airplane Bitch.

There's a bunch of people crying like so many more than one woman died in Lockerbie, Tom. It's called Boom Boom Bitch. I know. There's a bunch of people crying, like so many more than one woman died in Lockerbie, Tom. Yeah. It's called Boom Boom Clothes Go Goodbye. You heard him. It's called Boom Boom Clothes Go Goodbye. Well, that's the episode title. Boom Boom Clothes Go Good Goodbye. We're going to look that up phonetically, and that is the title of the episode.

I swear to Christ. We'll have you say it into theetically, and that is the title of the episode. I swear to Christ. We'll have you say it into the voicemail, whatever the predictive text is. You know, like, I like a lot of times it'll just be like Damien Goys, and I'll be like, that's Hey Mean Boys. Or like, you know, like. But then it'll be like, you know, Turbo Fish Pistol. I'm like, what the fuck could that mean? And then it's just Hey Mean Boys.

Sometimes it's Turbo Fish Pistol. Yeah. I mean, so we do have. have okay uh guys this is a doozy we've got 74 voicemails a total of an hour and 21 minutes of you guys talking we also have tweets shit i mean i get let's just why don't we do the tweets and the discord stuff first and then we'll get into the voicemails okay because that's going to be a full gauntlet god are we gonna have time to finish all this tonight we'll see we're doing it we can we i don't know let's let's figure it out yeah yeah if it doesn't spark joy we won't answer it okay if you just showed up and were that guy can you think of anything can you think of anything weirder like you saw a netflix were that guy, can you think of anything weirder? You saw a Netflix documentary that really resonated with you and you changed your life and acted differently like that.

You started saying all this shit. It'd be weird. Like this boring friend from work that you kind of know. Of course they did it. But if Tom was just like, minimalism, it's great. I mean, I'm just. Yeah, we may have to break this up a little because we have 20 responses to one of the tweets. I haven't even opened the Discord yet. Okay.

And we have an hour and a half of voicemails. And we have to be at work when? Okay, yeah. Let's start. Let's start. All right. Ted Cruz Science, and we're going to respond to everybody. Ted Cruz Science guy says, how much of your earnings are going to charities specifically for the families of the night shift factory workers for whom Mean Boys was the only thing holding them back from the uncaring flight.

I think 666, a paycheck with holiday giving of 69.69 would be noice and appropriate. Well, we don't need to set up a charity. They can just listen to Leaving the Tribe with Tom Goss. And all the Leaving the Tribe Tom Goss bonus content available over on his Patreon page. Link in the show notes. Yeah. Also, I don't know what the only charity I can think of for like disaffected american factory workers is like the trump election campaign so hard pass uh steven salazar yeah listen to that i'm starting the new podcast we'll have podcast you know you can we'll be around yeah steven salazar says now that it's over what's your biggest takeaway from the whole

experience you know it's funny i mostly i i can only think about the things that i did wrong yeah i only think about the things i did that like i where i felt like i didn't give the fans the best thing or like i fucked you guys over or i just i you know it was like not funny or i set something up wrong or i had the wrong idea that i wanted us to like that i chased for too long or i was a dick or i was annoying like Like that's all I can really like focus on. I kind of can only see the bad things about it like that. I mean, it's funny cause you just made a big,

beautiful list of good things. I know. But when I'm walking around thinking about it, I mostly just think like, nah shit. I feel like I, the people deserve the more. I feel like you guys deserve the more.

I feel like I let everybody down. I feel like I, you know, all that stuff. So that's, that's like, I let everybody down. I feel like I, you know, all that stuff. So that's like, I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to, yeah, I mean, that's like, I don't know. That's just where I've been at for the most part with most of this stuff. But, like, take, I mean, yeah, like so many things to take away.

You know, I mean, you can get to make people happy. I've always, that's all I ever wanted to do is you know help people pass the time and just like especially at Halloween to hearing how many people it's like oh yeah I went to work and shit

and it's like that really is the coolest thing where it's like I do that I've had to there's some I still rely on comedy like that

I've relied on it very heavily in different times in my life to just pass the fucking time when time sucks so bad so that's like the biggest thing it's just that I was you know I was honored by that

I mean it was very it was a very informative thing like working collaboratively with someone so bad so that's that's like the biggest thing is just that i was you know i was honored by that i mean it was very uh it's a very informative thing like working collaboratively with someone you know i've never really done that i've never had anyone i respected so much to want to like work with them you know one-on-one forever or like you know not forever obviously we're ending it right now but not one-on-one there's two of us oh yeah yeah but you know just like be a part of a team with anybody you know that was a new thing that was part of a team with anybody, you know? That was a new thing. That was interesting. I'm still, you know, not good at that in a lot of ways. It's a process.

Yeah. I don't know. What do you think, Tom? I mean, there's a lot of takeaways. I'd say the two biggest ones is, like, one, and this is going to be untraceable to some people out there, but just being funny is not enough in terms of like – I also – it's also important for me to be organized and reputation is a huge thing. It's made me realize that it's not just about being funny. Like, if I'm being completely honest, I felt, especially in later years, I was getting frustrated with some people's perspective on me. And it's made me realize, like, oh, if I make people laugh, but they are laughing at me, it doesn't help me the way I want it. You know what I mean?

There's a lot of, there's a big muzzle on that. Well, it's tricky with you because you kind of, you grew so much as a dude. I did. You became so much more like sort of, like a lot, you've talked about a lot of kind of early Tom and sort of air quotes, mean boys Tom is like. It was a defense mechanism. Defense mechanism. Yeah.

It was, I feel bad saying it's a character because it wasn't ingenuine. It was, it was, it was definitely like, like I couldn't turn it off, but it was a defense mechanism. People weren't out there resonating with a fake guy. But this was kind of like a way of behaving that you sort of have developed throughout your life. Yeah. To deal with all the unique things about your situation. And I feel like you started to be limited by that. And just especially like it you

know you talk about it's frustrating for you i mean i would always get like annoyed on your behalf by some of those questions or people would say mean like shit about all that stuff you know yeah it was it's it's really like annoying that i'm glad that like now especially doing like leaving the tribe and stuff that people like you know see that you're a much more uh multi-faceted insightful guy right but just just the fact that when people would come to stand up and sometimes they'd be jarred and shocked, like, oh, you're an actual comedian, made me go, I can't continue to present myself this way

and I need to do the work on myself to fix that. And that's no one's fault but my own. And I think it's a good thing that Mean Boys has done is force me to do the work on myself to figure out how to be more comfortable as myself. I don't know if I would have achieved that without this show. Yeah. And I think you've developed so many more like sort of healthy coping

skills for life and that you don't lean on that. We've always been kind of like ones to keep our overhead low, just to get emotional overhead low just a emotional overhead financial overhead and it's like sort of like learning how to go like oh maybe i'm ready for the next step what if it's like a personal step if it's a financial step whatever it is like it's like sort i think sort of we all have a few of those going on at the moment a lot of those sort of mental health wise and sort of like self-care wise yeah it's it's a tough one to like balance all that.

And I also I always felt kind of bad. I just I feel like this is worth talking about while we're talking about this stuff. Sure. I always felt kind of bad because it was like, you know, me and like, I mean, obviously me, Connor and Joe started the show. Right. You came in, you know, later. But me and Connor had also, you know, we've done burn booth. We kind of had this like unit.

So I felt bad that you came in sort of as an outside thing and you felt like. Yeah. I hated that people would see you as the other guy. And we were part of that. We were so unnecessarily shitty to you. I know, yeah. You know what it is? I think, honestly, I can only speak for myself here.

I just didn't think about it. I was used to the way i behaved with him you know right like we could fucking destroy each other because like there was a shared you know understanding like oh obviously we respect each other we like each other yeah whereas me and you were not close like that yet and i came at you with that energy and we've talked about this a lot before yeah i want to on the air officially acknowledge right i was fucking huge cut because people still bring it up sometimes and they listen to old episodes yeah yeah i mean it was also it was also difficult because like you you guys were already you know like it was called mean boys you

guys were already dicks on the show and i feel like the biggest thing i could offer the show because my bottom line was be as funny as you can be. And I was like, oh, this is how I can kind of help the show the most. Yeah. Is doing a thing I already kind of do is be fucking crazy. Well, and it started getting portrayed more as dumb than crazy. And then it started going from it just kind of morphed to a point that started making me wildly uncomfortable. And I think there are also habits on the show that like are just impossible to break with what the show's become i mean for me to do that

certain yeah certain things kind of get set in stone about the way the hall kind of runs and you kind of just go like oh i don't know about this anymore yeah like i have to think about that shit too because i mean we've gotten in fights and stuff and like you know my fault all of it uh but like yeah i just i felt so fucking bad about all that and about how like you know my fault all of it uh but like yeah i just i felt so fucking bad about all that and about how like you know this and i didn't want to like add all that stuff and make you feel like shit and yeah i feel like i think about all that stuff a lot and i just feel i feel really terrible about it and i'm i'm i'm you know i'm glad you're doing so good and that like you know because like i think like when we sort of realized that you we

wanted you you know at least come be a guest or like be a part of the show in some way and we kind of started being friends it was because it was when we go to like denny's or norm's after roast battle and like we do lightning round at the table at the diner right yeah you tell these amazing stories and i really just thought of you as like a very interesting, weird guy that had an interesting life that was, had this off beat, funny sense of humor. Like I didn't like, I wasn't like,

we need a guy to shit on. We got to get Tom. Right. You know, like that was never really informed my opinion. And I, I didn't really want that to be what it was. I mean,

I know I shit on you a million times. We all shit on each other a million times, but like, yeah, I, yeah, I don't, I look, if you're But, like, yeah, I don't. Look, if you're writing the Mean Boys legacy,

that's not how it should go down, I don't think. Yeah, and, I mean, some of it. And it's also, you know, there's a lot of different factors. But, you know, I'm sure little bits of this will come up and we should move on. The other thing I did want to say, because it's been in the mission statement this entire time, and's i've really taken it to heart in a very genuine way is trying is a good thing trying is a cool thing and i i've honestly if you're in the comedy scene

and you don't try i think you're a fucking loser yeah bottom line you're a fucking loser and i don't have time for you yeah That's my biggest takeaway from it. If you think a thing is cool, do the thing just because you think it's cool. Anything that happened with this show that ended up being cool and that ended up mattering to you guys

is just shit that we did to entertain ourselves. There's a lot of first draft ideas. A lot of kind of like, wouldn't it be funny if oh my god we actually you know kind of i'll be honest i think these shows suffered a little bit you know not so much from us i think i think there's a misconception that the show suffered we got jobs and we couldn't do the show i think part of the show suffered as we started there started to be some pressure on it because it was like oh people are actually listening now there's expectation there was that yeah i mean i'm only speaking for myself here but like there's also like there's just the whole like the work of the machinery

of it it's like a way that i don't think a lot of us are we're not all that wired like that much right but but the point i'm getting at with the takeaway here is just like you know do the fucking thing you love because you love doing it yeah even if it matters to one fucking person you did something cool like you made if you made one person feel less shitty because you made a dumb thing that made you happy that is a net positive for the world yeah you know that you could have done nothing and you did a little something for someone there's already a lot of cookie cutter horse shit out there do something personal do something you enjoy and do it do it full out like i feel incredibly flattered that there's like uh podcasters like a lot like me boys are sprouting up all the time yeah yeah because i really think it was shout out to

violet wanderers keep that format warm kids yeah i mean you know i like like the fucking we kind of made something new under the sun a little bit yeah i thought it was very creative the way it all kind of yeah i thought it was interesting really kind of you know carved out a little niche for us let's keep moving we got a lot we got so many yeah uh question two yeah what do we wear that's such a heavy one to be question two yeah uh john c highly uh says thanks for all the great shows I could be having a shitty day and you guys always made me laugh. Thanks. Thanks, buddy.

Thanks. I'm just going to blow through those ones. Yeah. Yeah. Louis A. Galvez asked, and he's been asking for a long fucking time. What is the ending for Omega Tom? So here's what Omega Tom was going to be.

The one last we left Tom and Rocket, they had escaped from Gareth Reynolds in the Trash Empire. They were in the sewers. They were going to meet a cannibal humanoid creature living in the sewer, played by Kyle Clark, named Chud Apatow. He was going to fall in love with Rocket and try to basically feed Tom to alligators and cuck him with a romantic sewer date. There was going to be a bunch of other shit that happened. The big wraparoundound and i teased this in a dumb trailer and then never wrote the rest of the fucking show so the great machine was a thing that happened in the scuzz feed parody it was like a machine that just automatically generates an algorithm for content yeah this machine exists to make humans happy and to give them what would make them happy and basically the machine caused

the apocalypse because it saw how much everybody was miserable constantly online and was like, the only thing that will make these people happy is the release of death. So that's why the Great Machine, mercy killed the human. It turned itself off. It's a being of pure logic, though. It's logical. Everyone is miserable. It's an old sci-fi story. It's a great story.

Yeah, but then what it was going to end up being is that Tom broke into the head, like the hive mind Skynet of the great machine. And it was a being of pure logic having a discussion with Tom. Guys, it's files so much so that it undid the fabric of reality and brought everyone back to life. And you became a being of pure energy. That was how the Omega Tom was going to end. You become Dr. Manhattan. It ended with you literally coming through.

You shot jets, and it became another planet, and that planet grew a Cinnabon, and then you come landed there. Oh, my God. I Mormonism'd a new planet with my jizz. It was the Book of Mormon. That's so funny. My favorite part about the stage directions

is the part where I go, okay, what is jizzing a planet sound effects? How do I make? You did a great job with this. You've done so much post work. You had to learn how to be a sound engineer. Yeah, a little bit. I mean, some of the early sketches especially were really good.

I just fucking. Yeah, I think it was that last Omega Tom I did where it was like three hours of just looking at the editing program, editing. It was like. But you've figured out sound shit that i have no idea how you figured it i couldn't have explained it out loud to you if i tried yeah oh thanks man i i want to say because you guys i mean you wrote it and then the editing on because i i've realized it wouldn't work once yeah yeah i think the omega toms because when i first read them i was like i don't really follow all of this in terms of just like is this is listing back it is my favorite piece of work i think on mean boys uh i think it's super definitely

out of the schedule super well edited super well written i even was impressed with myself with some of the choices i made as a as a fucking voice actor as long as we're sucking each other's dicks on omega tom it's the best like acting work you've done. Yeah, I didn't understand the... Did I play Rocket? You were Rocket. Yeah, I wasn't that good. Well, I don't think you realized that you were going to have to keep fucking doing it. You told us after that you were like,

I thought there was going to be a couple line character that I didn't realize I'd have to do this voice. Yeah, and I was trying to keep up because everyone was doing a good job, and I was like, I don't really know what I'm doing here. You've always been good at one shot, one kill on the voice acting. I try. I forgot what I was going to say.

I know all the takes. The Mean Boys Black File is honestly 500 takes of us redoing lines and going, fuck. We'll get to the Black File later. We'll get to some questions about it. At Red Star SciS size up says no questions just immense pride in a successful podcast and how you all including joe are moving to bigger and better

things thanks for the laughs and memories thank you very much thank you very much also just to make sure we're 100 clear i know some of you guys were thinking we were going to maybe get joe for this last run we asked him he for his reasons decided not to do it we are incredibly proud of the work we did with joe yeah yeah i think joe is a huge part of why this show exists yeah we made it with him i mean the joke off was like you know that germ of that idea came from joe so many things from the show and he's one of the truly funniest but like if there was just like a like a geiger counter unbiased scientific scale for funny like joe would be so fucking high on it. He's a wildly creative, funny guy. Speaking of those parody Mean Boys

accounts, at Oathacks, if you were going to start a legitimate charitable organization, what cause would it be dedicated to? It'd be the Leaving the Tribe Patreon. No, my genuine...

I've actually thought about this a lot lately. It would be former psych patients and current psych workers in psychiatric units being able to get together and talk. Because I don't think there's any bridge of communication between people who went through the process. And I think a lot of the psych workers also get frustrated not having any closure on anything, so a chance for them to communicate with each other and for the psych workers to be appreciated and for the psych patients to be heard out

so that the work could be improved in psych units. That is one daydream of mine to put that foundation together. I donated to the No More Hidden Spoons Fund. It's a really great... Yeah, that'd be great. Mine would be kids getting fucked. Like you want to make them more readily available? No, no, no.

Yeah, just helping out kids getting fucked. I can't read anything about that or anything. It fucking kills me. Hang on. I love that you're like, I can't read anything about kids getting anything. It fucking kills me. Hang on. I love the old, I can't read anything about kids getting fucked when you have literally been talking about Jeffrey Epstein for 24 hours a day for the past eight months. It hasn't been great. I agree, but it still happens.

You have to make horrible jokes to desensitize yourself to the whole thing. That's pretty much what this whole show is. Yeah, in your own life. It used to be all of life and not just jeffrey i also i also real quick just because i've had a whole long i've on several multiple episodes especially the mailbag uh i've talked a lot about psych wards i do want to make it clear that those most of those people i've had i for sure have some ptsd and it's not all on the ward it's also things that happened beforehand but for anyone listening if you are suicidal,

fucking, I want to make it clear, check yourself in. A lot of people really do care. Yeah. And they try their best. And I just, if there's ever been any miscommunication I've had about that, not even miscommunication, but I was going, I want to make that clear

that getting help Is a good thing Because I have talked A lot of shit On psych hospitals Over the last 215 episodes Yeah you've like

Vented about And it seems like It's like It just seems like A big complicated thing Like the system's fucked up Like some of the training Is wrong

Some of the ideas Are out of date Like some of Yeah and a lot of that Some of that Some of that has been Some of that has been Improved

And And also just like I have The alumni letters Right It's a big thing. Some of that has been improved. And also just like I have. As long as the alumni letters. Right. I have. I for sure have some medical PTSD. And I don't want any. And I've even talked to medical workers who worked in psych wards who listen to mean boys who've reached out to me over the years. Several different people.

And I just I, I wanted to make that clear. It's a place to go to stay alive. No, totally. And I don't want, yeah, since it kind of tangentially came up, I wanted to make that clear somewhere. That's definitely a good thing to note. And you get to use a payphone. That's fun. You don't see those.

It's like you're doing 90s cosplay. You don't see those every day anymore. I tried to do a funny joke when I thought you were Wrapping up earlier And I was like Oh no Stole the serious speech Oops Trying to help

My bad Give him 30 more seconds And then play the Oscars Wrap up music No it wasn't even like that I was just trying I know I'm just fucking around

If I was going to start a charity I don't I don't know man Probably something Dogs without bones Dogs without bones Yeah Fucking teeth for skateboarders Or something Yeah You know No mine would probably be about I don't know, man. Probably something that... Dogs without bones. Dogs without bones. Yeah.

Fucking teeth for skateboarders or something. You know? No, mine would probably be about... I think there's not a lot of... You know, I grew up in a bad situation as a kid. And I feel like there's not a lot of middle ground between you're fine and the government took my baby and you get thrown into fucking foster care. So maybe something to kind of like help at-risk kids and at-risk families get their shit together without it becoming like government intervention

and these really life-destroying things. You guys were so at-risk. Your mom, she shared her iPhone location. It just says risk. She's checked in at risk. Yeah. Yeah, regular. You have like a little badge like a help.

But yeah, so something. I know it's vague, but something. No, I think that's what you're saying. I love it. At Krasny Vesha. vague, but something. No, I think that's what you're saying. I love it. At Krasny Vesha. Oh, shut up. So just like all celebrities, we just want to have a charity for something that happened to us. Yeah, 100%.

Oh, at Robbie Goldman says, can I do the show soon? Yeah, come by next week. Yeah, come by anytime, Robbie. At Krasny Vesha says, not really a question, but just wanted to say how much I appreciate the time and effort you all put into keeping me entertained in my blue collar warehouse night shift job a lot of night shift getting thrown out hey man no problem buddy happy to do it at nemi cake says are y'all still gonna hang out and stuff of course yeah yeah we live way too close to each other yeah we're technically always hanging out yeah i mean like that when you guys moved i was like i was like you know i've been doing a lot of just a lot of different things are changing my life so i have to take stock of things and i'm like well i mean you're really not

going to find two better friends than them and i mean you'd be pretty stupid to you know not try to spend you know as much time with them as you possibly could right now i think i'd just be really i really was thinking about it and i was like you know you'd be really remissed if you didn't do that because i mean you're very lucky to have two great people like this in your life so yeah of course we'll hang out all the time yeah we'll probably hang out more honestly tom's like i don't know i think tom's pretty over me i i'm mad i don't want to talk about the show i'm mad at you about a lot of stuff but i still want to be your friend you're still my fucking brother i still love you man you know and there's nothing that we can't wait to drop that bombshell and have me

distracted for the rest of the show let me feel awful about trying to figure out what I did for two hours. Two and a half hours. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I got to be like, well, fuck shit, Magoo. Would you rather fart a bee or lick an owl? Yeah, and I'm like, was it what I said at Christmas or what? No, we're fine.

Angel Escalante says, I do love you, man. I love you, too. If you guys ever have kids, will you tell them about Mean Boys? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's... They're going to find it.

And then from when I was 21 to 26, nothing happened. What do I say? Yeah, you know what I always think of? Because I think it's the idea of, would they be fucking mortified to hear it? I read a thing with Kevin Smith a long time ago, and he was talking about his daughter, and she got to a certain age,

and he's like, oh, I could show her my movies now and be like, oh, these are kind of grown-up movies, but this is a thing your dad did when he was young and cool. And she's just like, yeah, I don't fucking care. And I kind of figure my kids will have the same thing. This is just fucking dad talking. Yeah. Yeah, so that would be my answer is I'll try probably because I'm desperate for validation.

I come to you and now you've got to listen to Carnot. He's playing a vinyl LP of the Fudge Lord and his oak study. Now stare at Tom's ashes on my mantle. Yeah. I don't plan on having kids. And you're mad at me? I'm keeping him. I can just throw him out with the coffee grounds.

Why is he in the kitchen? I don't know. The garbage disposal broke when I tried to put some of them in there. I'm going to go, hey, kiddo. They're going to be like, I don't know you. Yelling at a child. I used to be a different Tom Goss. I'm going to put a pillow over their head. I don't know you. Yelling at a child. I used to be a different Tom Goss.

I'm going to put a pillow over their head. Wait. Tom murders my child, I think is the bit here. I missed some key information. I was saying I was going to tell them and then murder them so they don't know that I'm at this show. I just couldn't Google your name and find it immediately. Yeah. After they sift through 40 I'm at this show. They just couldn't Google your name and find it immediately. Yeah. After they sift through 40 pages of gay country music. Oh, yeah, that's right.

If they want to find me, they got to work for it. Yeah, you got to get through a gay country singer. All right, let's see. Where are we? Heather Davis says, I think it was a year ago you guys almost killed my husband by making him laugh so hard He had an asthma attack

Without his inhaler And we had to turn off the show Until we got home Thank you for all the laughs And for not actually killing my man Oh that's a cute story I guess you guys never received The bomb we sent you

Yeah Yeah we'll get him next time Heather Yeah We got the asthma pills At Cliftonial says Is it okay if we don't listen To the last episode Because we don't want it

To end just yet Fucking At this rate By the to the last episode because we don't want it to end just yet fucking at this rate by the time the last episode ends we'll have given up and rebooted the show I found out that someone I know that dating a girl that hasn't seen the last episode of The Office because she can't emotionally let it end for herself and I just I've never wanted to tell

an idea to shut up more in my life it made me so mad The last episode of the office too is just like you're gonna be fine emotionally letting that fucking pile that's like seeing the corpse of a loved one but it's got like a funny mustache drawn on it i'm like you look fucking retarded it's like no it's like being at your grandma's funeral and david spader is there for some reason david spader wasn't he in the uh no david spader is nobody david spade is who we work for james spader james spader there you go. David Spader.

Yeah, that was, I don't know why that was. I barely know. Damn it. That would have been kind of funny if I got it out. Annabelle says, not a question. Just say something nice about each other. No. Next question.

You guys both aren't me. Jesus Christ. Tom, you've got great hair. Thank you. Keith, you know, you've got a nice... Why is there blood coming out of your ears? You've got a great smile. Oh, fuck you.

I was trying to go physical one, so... Yeah, yeah. It was easy. Or a little bit more. I mean, Connor, you're one of the quickest fucking joke tellers

I've ever met and I think you also genuinely do care about your friends. I mean, all I ever do, it just makes it quicker when I make my friends

mad at me. Oh, boy. Just makes me get them mad at me quicker, which I guess is convenient. All right. I'm so curious how far into this we get before the meltdown.

I wasn't trying to have it. I was trying to be funny. I know. I'm also trying to be funny. Other people do it. What? I thought it was just... No, no, really?

We're doing bits, man. Yeah. And Keith, you're a fucking phenomenal writer, and you're great at taking up space. Sorry. All right. All right, yeah. And you got a high cubic footage. you're great at taking up space sorry alright and you got a high cubic footage yeah I think Tom you're really good at being a faggot and Connor you're almost as good at being a fag

wow thanks Keith no I think I mean look you fucking are I have said before I will say again you are the fucking Moriarty to my Sherlock. You are the funniest, most talented dude I've ever met in my life. No. You make me work way harder than I ever anticipated having to do.

I appreciate it. You know how exhausting it is? I appreciate it. I wake up every day and be like, fuck, I got to try and be as funny as Connor. I unfortunately feel the same way about you. It's a true waking nightmare. I know. It really is a pain in the ass.

Every time Keith writes a good joke, I'm like, one less for me. And Tom, I will say this. I have known a lot of people who I meet at a very fucked time in their life. I don't know if I've seen anybody work harder and improve their own situation through sheer fucking willpower the way you have oh thanks man like like genuinely like i'm consistently proud of you like just for how much you've grown as a dude and how much you have overcome from just like getting a raw deal from your brain and the california fucking mental health yeah thanks man yeah it's a close race between us on who's turned down more help, though.

No, most definitely. We're all fuck you. I got it. We're both pretty good at saying, well, I'll play it alone. Yeah. No, that is, I think, of all the characteristics we all share,

I think that is number one. Yeah, we really hate assistants. Yeah. Yeah. That's why we don't have a producer. Heather Davis again. Says, my brother wants me and others to roast him on his birthday. Any advice on roasting somebody?

Oh, I hope he's fat. Yeah. Short adjectives, but the funniest word last. Yeah, short adjectives. Big dumb butt is funnier than, you know, like enormous malodorous butt. You know, don't do any of that English teacher shit. True stuff is funny. I mean, for like your buddy roast, I don't know. I mean, just honestly just steal roast jokes from people and just fucking do them about your friend.

You're not a comedian. Yeah. Care to do some of my jokes. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm what if maybe it looks kind of like Dan Nolan. I don't know. Go check it out.

Tommy, anything on that one? No, I think I'm over roasting. Fair enough. We've had a lot of it. Yeah. Yeah. Duncan Isock says, will you feed us some hopium and tell us you guys might do a yearly holiday special? I mean, yeah, I think we've all kind of talked.

We'd get together again every once in a while, maybe. I don't want to say yearly or I don't want to confirm it. Yeah, no timetable. But the three of us will work together in some capacity that you guys will be able to see. Yeah. We don't want to put out dates. that you guys will be able to see. Yeah. We don't want to put out dates. We don't we don't have any plans right now. No.

But we all I think we all hope that to some degree. We don't know what we don't. We have to worry about our own shit first. But to some degree, like we're all still friends. It's funny. It's one like bands would say that like in an interview and you read it. You go, that's bullshit. That sucks.

Now I get it. And it's kind of like that's just what it is. Like, that's bullshit. That sucks. Now I get it. And it's kind of like, that's just what it is. Like, oh, yeah, we love to do something. Yeah. You know what I would love at some point is that we all did a tour together again. I think it would be great. Yeah. Yeah.

You just give a bunch of people in fucking Iowa a boner. Because I plan on touring nonstop. And touring with you guys is, I think, the most fun way to do it it's a good time all right uh brian powers says was it worth it yeah yeah yeah 100 i wouldn't yeah i was gonna say i wouldn't change anything about this oh no i would have changed a lot but i'm glad for the things that i i i wouldn't change i'm glad i learned first of all i wouldn't have done it um no i yeah every any bad thing look i've told this story before and i'm gonna tell it again because it's my favorite sort of like i think looking at it from the end of the road now thing i remember i broke up with a girl i've been dating for several

years where i had a very like sort of safe comfortable life with because i knew if i was going to continue doing comedy i had to go live on that fucking couch in Pacquiao Palace and I had to go balls in. And two days later, I am sitting on the front porch. I'm wearing a captain's hat, a bow tie, and an open Hawaiian shirt so we could film a badly shot 9-11 sketch

that like four people saw. And I remember sitting there and I'm just like, did I just ruin my life to become the fartmeister? Yeah. And then I realized becoming the fartmeister has enriched my life more than anything I've ever done in my life. Yeah. So, yeah, no, this is worth it. I would do it 100 times over. of growth in fucking both self-knowledge and comedy knowledge that i've been able to gain from doing all this yeah with people that i could not respect more um well yeah it was it was

a good exercise just to be go be funny for an hour and a half every week as funny as you can as much as you can as fast as you can with the funniest people you know yeah i thought that was great yeah most most people do not who are trying to do comedy do not get to do what we did together with that intense of a competition i went like with the whole scope of it it's not like it's just like i don't know it's like what do you think about your entire adult life i'm like i don't know yeah seriously this is your life because we haven't been doing it for long enough that it's like, well, after 50 years of hosting The Tonight Show. Exactly. Yeah. It's been like four years.

It's just been a really fucking crazy four years. Yeah. So, you know, starting in 2015, late 2015, I was 22. Yeah. And I'm 26. Yeah. I'll have better answers for all these questions in 10 years. Yeah.

We'll go back and redo this episode. In the last four years, I got, I was an alcoholic. I got sober. And I started drinking again. I did a flow circle. Yeah. That's another off-air conversation. We're okay, you guys.

JV Torres says, which one of you sounds like a tell? Is that you? I don't know. Who sounds like David Tell? I don't think any of us. Yeah. Maybe me, a little. Yeah, maybe.

I mean, I guess the vocal tone. I don't know. Yeah. All right. Now let's get to the hard hitting questions, you guys. Andrew Hillary says, would you rather have your poop pushed in or your pee pulled out? Poop pushed in. Yeah, 100%.

I do that with my butt muscles. I suck it back up when I hold it. Pee pulled out. Who's pulling it? How do you pull liquid? I got a lot of questions. You always trust. You'd have to take a freezing class for this.

I've taken a freezing class. When it comes to all the hard questions, always go back to Shrek. Better out than in. And that's... Don't base your life off of Shrek! I think that's the only thing to base your life off of. That's how I learned about cake, onions. That's how I learned about onions.

I didn't know what an onion was. Oh, that's in my list of funny non-sequiturs I want about cake, onions. That's how I learned about onions. I didn't know what an onion was. Oh, that's in my list of funny non-sequiturs I want to put in something. We go now live with shit. Hey, shit, how did it feel getting pushed in out there? Benit says, do you ever think it's a little pathetic how much your fans loved this absurd podcast? No, I mean, my self-esteem is very low so i would get depressed that they didn't like somebody better than me uh but the the good thing about this show is it's also it's not my show so if people liked it i could say oh they just like the other guys and i could

i could sort of like continue to exist uh on whatever my little emotional island but yeah it's no it's weird it's uh very surprising to me when people would like just when you know they walk up to you and they say something that you like you forget that you said it oh yeah like how you wait the bed until you were 13 or whatever they just know that and he lives in philly yeah more confused than but that i was just befuddled by it i still am you thought that i made fake accounts i did i said you did to tweet it as to keep us motivated for the show fucking uh you got catfish oh yeah i thought i got fucking truman showed in order to keep the show going i like that you think i had that much ambition to like create a farce like no i believe in it so much

i'm gonna get these guys yeah i uh i i wouldn't say pathetic obviously uh also you drove from fresno to our house last week, lady, so fuck you. But no, I mean, it's flabbergasting to me, especially because, you know, I think what people who don't do comedy, especially in L.A., don't realize is, like, no one fucking cares out here. No. Like, you do. Nobody. Look, I mean, like, you know, if you live in fucking Nebraska and Kyle Kinane comes to your town, it's pretty good odds he's going to sell 100, 200 tickets. No problem. Yeah.

Motherfucker does a show in LA. If he's lucky, nine people come out to see him. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, the bar for anyone to give a shit about you specifically and what you do and not your credit and not who you fucking are friends with is so low. So the, you know, you could spend a lot of time here doing very well and still have no one give a shit about you.

Yeah. There are people far more successful than us, but they don't have fans like us. No, they don't. And I honestly would not trade for that. No, a hundred percent.

You know what I mean? Like that's, that's the thing that I always go back to. It is. And people have done just like an amazing job making a scene. Yeah. It's a humbling thing that you guys cared and you mobilized. people think we're so much more successful than we are i mean i don't really know what they think but uh yeah just that they care so much yeah i mean like comedy people like oh sure

yeah a little bit yeah but yeah you guys have created the illusion of success around us i know and i can't thank you enough i mean it's really it's you know yeah all this stuff i I mean, it all kind of comes from roast battle ultimately and then from Mean Boys, like all the cool shit, you know, we got to do. All right. Now I'm on to the second Twitter thread. Okay. Wow. This is going oat hacks again. You're noticing a lot of repeat customers.

If you were, listen to this question before you pee so you can think about it. If you were ready to become a father and found out you were sterile, which fellow mean boy would you choose as a sperm donor? This is a tough one. Yeah, I'm going Joe. You fucker. Man, I don't know. I've never really wanted children uh so this is a tough one you know what i do here's what here's what i'm gonna do you're about to fucking pump fake out

of the question no no no i'm answering the question i'm gonna have connor jesney cup i have keith jesney cup then i'm gonna get a bartender they're gonna shake it not stir it put it in a little fucking baster, and then we're going to find out when it pops out. So you're going to make our cum fight? Yeah. I'm going to see who wants it. We're going to fucking cum Thunderdome?

Yeah. Cumberdome. All right. That's a diplomatic answer. You said that with such fucking disdain. Here's the problem. You both have the same. You both have the same... You're both physically good,

mentally a disaster. So I don't know. Well, physically, Connor has me edged. Eh, I don't know. By a lot. I don't know. You know what?

I picked Tom, and here's why I picked Tom. You look more like me. Is he going to lie to the kid? I can let that fucking ride and you can just be like, wow, I dodged a bullet. I'm kind of the handsome version of all these fucking ugly people. I can roll with that.

You, it's going to be a whole fucking conversation. Plus, my girlfriend is fucking pale and Irish and angsty. You combine that with you and I'm just fucking giving birth to a surly Conan O'Brien. I wouldn't give you my sperm for Jordan. Dude, I don't want your fucking cum, dude. No, you're weird.

Yeah. I don't even know her middle name. We'd have to, like, get dinner or something. Yeah, you do. Yeah. What is it?

Lee. Oh, okay. Yeah. I would get Tom. Oh, wow, that was quick. Yeah. That was quick, hurtful, no funny addendum.

Look, because every time the baby did, like, some dumb baby stuff. Go on. With like a shovel. You know, I could do the voice in my head and I'd miss you or whatever. Are you dead in this scenario or can I just not have kids? No, you just can't have kids.

Why would I have to get the voice? How would I be dead? Why do you keep ending up dead in all these hypotheticals? I don't know. No, because we were talking about raising Tom's daughter the other day. Somehow we were. We were? Me and Jordan were, maybe.

That's kind of what I was thinking about. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, never mind. I'm fucking tired. No, you're good. You're good. Well, there's only several more hours. Jay Haller says, you guys are at a turning point.

A fork stuck in the road. Time has grabbed you by the wrist. Where is it directing you? He does all the lyrics to that fucking song. Shut up, idiot. At STXI 2009 says, what are the odds that this world isn't a simulation ran by our or another society? Who has time to think about that? Yeah, it doesn't matter.

You got to go to work in the morning and you're going to die one day. Who cares? It's probably not. And even if it is, I don't know, win the simulation then. Yeah. Are you really going to be stoked if you hack your way out of the mainframe and you're just a goo pod in a fucking robot apocalypse?

Look, until a black guy gives me two different colored pills, this is a later kind of deal. You know who the only smart person is? You heard him. Until Tom goes back to Detroit, he's not. The only smart person in the Matrix is that back to detroit he's not the only smart person the only smart person in the matrix is that guy who saw the outside and was like you know what i'm gonna go back in and sold the other guys out yeah that guy was so smart he was just like fuck

this oh cypher yeah yeah i mean he was he shouldn't have narked on his boys or whatever but like but yeah i don't know fucking the fuck the wasteland yeah well here's the thing with all that stuff, buddy, and I hope this helps you in life. You're never going to get to the bottom of any of it. Yeah. I mean, there's a large list of things, and don't put the wrong stuff in this bucket,

but you can file a lot. Jeffrey, you can file that under, we're not going to get to the bottom of it. If you think it's interesting to think about and it's fun to think about it, but don't really put a lot of resources towards any of that shit because it's like the the answer is i don't know shut up like you know unfortunately is kind of where you're gonna land yeah i agree all right secret pancake dad says fuck mary kill videodrome human

centipede schindler's list i've seen none of those films i have seen uh one of them fuck Videodrome, Human Centipede, Schindler's List. I've seen none of those films. I have seen one of them. Fuck Videodrome because it's pretty hot. Mary Schindler's List because it's classy and you can introduce it to your parents. Kill Human Centipede. I fuck Human Centipede, but I titty fuck the space in between the first two guys. Okay. So I just fuck the stitches through the mouth

and the butthole and I get off on the friction. There you go. Yeah. All right. Professor Squid says, bummed to see you guys go. Good luck and looking forward

to catching you guys in OKC Dallas or anywhere in between. If there's one, oh, this is pretty funny. If there's one last round of new names, here's one.

New name for El Camino's ugly trucklings. Yeah. That's a fun one. That's rock solid. P2 Start says, which you would be most likely to have an illegitimate child? And so Tom can participate. Which bird is the best bird?

That's not a bad burn. Illegitimate child. Me, 100%. Yeah. I've dropped a lot more errant loads over the years. Yeah, I guess your irresponsible load number is quite high%. Yeah. Well, I mean, just that you... I've dropped a lot more errant loads over the years. Yeah, I guess your irresponsible load number is quite high. Yeah. I've never, like, dropped a load on anybody that I didn't, like, that I didn't keep up with for nine months.

I feel like you have. Oh, most definitely. Yeah. Yeah. And I've not dropped that many unprotected loads in my day, so I'm not super worried about it. What's your bird call? I'm going to go kike i was the breed of bird that um the old family pet bird was loki there we go uh ethan lawrence says first of all thank you so much for the last few years mean boys is a very

important podcast to me and many others it'll be missed but i'm so proud of you all would you rather shit out your nose or violently sneeze out your ass? I already sneeze out my ass. I fart. You know, I have diarrhea. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah. So shit out my nose? No, fart out my ass. Yeah, fart, yeah.

Well, fart out your ass is not an option. Sneeze out my ass. Yeah, sneeze out your ass is just hardcore farts. Yeah, I won't sit on any pepper. It'll be fine. Yeah, there's no option you can offer me where having shit come out of my face hole is the better one. Yeah, if sneezing out your ass wasn't a thing, we would have several hours less of content on the Mean Boys podcast. It's true.

We've got a whole diarrhea contingent here. I'd have several less commas in my bank account. Luis Benitez says, what were some Mean Boys projects that you didn't get to do? There's some unfinished projects. Oh, God. The 9-11 slam dunk spectacular. Of course, yeah. I feel bad that all kind of just happened at a bad time.

Yeah. I mean, we always talked about doing video sketches. We did, yeah. We talked about filming the show. You guys wrote that pilot. Well, that's still potential. still yeah we could maybe do something with that yeah funny pilot i still like it um yeah fuck what the hell i'm trying to remember i don't know it's a hard thing of anything specific that we really wanted to do and didn't

get i feel like somebody is screaming listening to this remembering yeah i'm sure they are yeah i don't man nothing that nothing i'll put it this way nothing that really nags at me that much like that way and just save y'all from tweeting me about it i never got tom in the fucking cage yeah oh i should i we talk about our cage plans yes yes all right so i had i had two plans i think you told me one of these and i told you it was a bad plan. Well, plan one was to roofie Tom, which is so funny. And here's the only reasons I didn't do it.

Number one, I didn't want to kill him with pancreatitis stuff. Which it wouldn't have affected that. But I didn't know, and I didn't want to Google it. Sure. And number two, I didn't want to go find roofies, because then I had to know that some... Like, I couldn't just buy them. You had to meet the guy that sells them. And I had to meet a guy who sold good, clean roofies, so I had to do some research. And I'm like, I don't want to know that. Yeah. So that's why I didn't just you had to meet the guy that sells it and I had to meet a guy who I knew sold good clean roofies

so I had to do some research and I'm like I don't want to know that so that's why I didn't do that my other plan is I was gonna build a cage that like was

wrapped around the front door of the house and that you would drop the door to from the roof I was gonna wake you up at six in the morning when I knew your brain

wasn't working and go Tom they're towing your car so you would go and Sasquatch run through the front door and then just lock you in the cage before you were awake and have to know what was happening. I don't think it would have worked on you. That's why I didn't invest in it.

I mean, I don't think that... The roofie plan was the plan that could have worked. I would also have been... I would have been pretty opposed to roofieing Tom. I didn't do it. That was never run by me and it would have been pretty heartily vetoed. I would have been partly vetoed. I would have been like, don't drug our friend.

I genuinely don't think. I'm tickled by the idea. I don't think you would have been able to move. It would have been worth it to see you try to move my body unconscious into a cage. I already knew who I was going to call to help me move your body. Who? People. Okay.

I'm not going to name check them. They don't want to be here. He's not going to name check his brother and Kyle. My plan is absolutely what it works, but I never had the money to pull it off because I needed to buy

like $60 I never had $60. You better say ham. No, window fucking bars. Because Keith lives in the basement. And so I was going to, in the middle of the night,

on one of the nights where the neighbors were throwing one of their fucking I'm 30 throwing a quinceanera parties. And they play music super loud. I was going to drill the handlebars in to the window. And then there's just a padlock outside. You just need to have a lock to lock the door from the outside of Keith's room. It was already there.

And I knew that the second we started doing this and I was like, I just need to be able to... And here's how good Tom is at secrets. He never told this to me. I would argue that does not count as a cage. You're locking me in my room. As a guy who thinks it's funny if it is a

cage and that tom beats you the guy who started this on a technicality i would rule that it is a cage i mean you didn't do it so it doesn't matter yeah it doesn't have 60 dollars you can't be playing if we listen i if we listen well i'll have to re-listen to uh uh the it was dave cyrus and damien hol. The conditions. Because we said specific conditions. Because I was... We said a lot of conditions for imaginary content. We sure did.

Oh yeah, like the weight loss challenge? Yeah, we just... Well, you're just busy getting ready for tour. I was busy gaining weight for tour. Yeah. We didn't have time to do any of this shit. Yeah, those are the big ones. If something pops up in my brain, we can go back or anyone's brain.

JV Torres says, what does the theme song say? It sounds like pickles and beans. Listened episode, I think it's six. I think it's ten. Yeah, I believe it's ten as well. Maybe. You guys would know better than me. I'll give you a hint.

Jamar Neighbors said it, and we're not saying it. Yeah. You can probably figure out the first word. Uh-huh. CIA Brain Bugs says, mainly at Connor, can we expect more regular appearances on Adam Todd Brown's podcast, or maybe return as guest host of Conspiracy? That's how I found you. Either way, thanks for the chuckles over the years.

Oh, hey, thanks, man. I'm glad you liked Conspiracy, the show. Yeah, I mean, I'm bummed I haven't been able to do it, because I've been doing the writing work, and Adam records during business hours. I'm glad you liked Conspiracy the Show. Yeah, I mean, I'm bummed I haven't been able to do it because I've been doing the writing work and Adam records during business hours. But I emailed him and, yeah, we're going to try to get back together and I might pop in and go do another conspiracy show. So, yeah, I'll be back over there.

How regular it'll be, I have no idea, especially because I think he does a lot of that stuff while we're in the office for Spade. But, yeah, no, I still love hanging out with Adam and all those folks. So, yeah, I will do my best to keep in touch with the Unpops crew because, I mean, I know that's where a lot of our fans come from. Yeah. Yeah. This one is also for you so I can ask you while Tom's in the bathroom.

At Meaty Gonzalez, which, sidebar, I've seen a lot of dumb Twitter handles tweeting at the show. Meaty Gonzalez makes me laugh every time. Yeah, it's a good one. It says, release the epic shit pic. Oh, I'll go DM it to him right now. Yeah, tweet it to him right now. I want to see if we get a live reaction before we're done recording this episode. I don't really want to post the shit pic just on my feed.

Just DM it to him. No, DM it to him. But, I mean, I just haven't released it because it's like. Oh, it's gross. It's like you don't really want it on your Twitter. You know, like in my texts. But I've opened my phone. I got a fucking chocolatey surprise twice.

What's the guy's name again? At Meaty. M-E-A-T-Y. Okay. Meaty Gonzalez. But it's spelled weird. Yeah. Okay.

You got it. Yeah. DM it to him. Let me know of your response before we're done recording this episode. I will. And tell him, like, I don't know. Don't be a cop. Like, don't post it.

It's just my shit. I don't know, don't be a cop. Like, don't post it. It's just my shit. I don't care if people see it, but, I mean, I don't want it to be my brand. Right. Bobby Cobra says, will we ever get to hear the black file? Honestly, just one sketch bit, please. No. There's nothing really in it. It never really existed.

And it's gotten, I mean, truthfully, I think most of, if not not all the files have long been deleted no i have i have like every mean boys raw file oh really i do um yeah for the i think i have like except stuff that was on my laptop that was stolen so some of this like joe stuff is maybe gone okay but i everything else i pretty much have i keep all that stuff i put it on an external drive so i mean it exists i mean but the the when we say black file it's just stuff we have to had to edit out someone says it's really i mean i can take you through what the what exists in it that will not like shit that we haven't aired is very it's not that much it's not funny it's yeah 80 80 to 90 of it is just blown takes and right you, sketches that didn't work.

Yeah. A few of those. I have like two aborted tries. I don't know why I thought it'd be funny to do Charles Bukowski doing nursery rhymes for kids. I like those. I thought those were pretty funny. I know.

I don't know why. Yeah. There was the last episode we recorded with Joe. He's talking about how his fingernails got so long. Yeah. Yeah. The last episode we recorded with Joe ended kind of poorly, so we didn't release that. I would actually love to listen to that.

No, you wouldn't. And again, I think that was stolen in San Francisco. Yeah, that one's probably dead. I feel bad because Hannah Michaels was on that one, and she was really funny. I know. She was really funny. She never did Joe again. Yeah.

There was some of the Denny's live shit got cut because it didn't really work. For kind of legal-ish reasons, I guess. Yeah, it just got very weird. It wasn't really legal. It wasn't legal. The truth of what it was is it was a bit. Nothing bad happened. It just got weird.

It was a bit that seemed like it was going to be a funny thing that we were all in on. Like it was clearly like a dumb joke that we would be doing. And then I think people who didn't really know us thought we were seriously doing it. It was like the room was not in on the bit. Yeah, it just didn't come together right. Which that happens. That's happened a few times with live Mean Boys shit in a crowd. It's not our crowd. People don't

know what we're doing so they just get fucking weird and clammy about shit. Yeah, right. So I mean it's that. There's that one time I said the N-word when I was quoting a Yelp review. That one time.

Yeah, there's the fucking the suicide note or emo lyric game. Oh, yeah, the original one. We talked about that one. Yeah, so that one we've talked about.

Other than that, I can't really think of much that would be in there. Yeah, it's really not that crazy, guys. One of the come pick was in there for a minute, but we ended up putting it out. Yeah, it's really not that crazy, guys. One of the Cumpig was in there for a minute, but we ended up putting it out. Yeah, that was originally like we recorded that

and Joe and I were both looking at each other like, oh, God, that might be too upsetting. We don't know about this. And then we put it out on Nice Boys. It stayed in the vault for I think Nice Boys was episode 14. Which one is the most upsetting thing we've done? No, probably not at this point. I think, yeah.

The Overton window shifted real quick. I wrote some incredibly upsetting. It'll have aired before now. Oh, yeah. I mean, just read the history of Mean Boys. I feel like I've written some incredibly upsetting sketches and then some genuinely bad sketches that I wish were in the black file.

There's a special place in the internet hell for woke Satan. I wish almost everything I said was in the black file. There's a special place in the internet hell for woke Satan. I wish like almost everything I said was in the black file. By the way, I disown all opinions I've held in every joke I've made.

I stand by none of it. I'm going to get in front of this a little bit. You did good work on this fucking show. Absolutely. I know.

I mean, it was okay, but like... I understand it's hard for you to take credit for a good thing you did, but we worked hard on it. It's good. I just mostly feel about for you to take credit for a good thing you did, but we worked hard on it. It's good.

I just mostly feel about, you know, the stuff I did wrong. I mean, we all fucked up in different places. Andrew Fedje. I'm not going to figure out how to say that. Thanks for the show. I feel like I got into it way too late, but I'm glad for what you guys have been able to put out. Thanks for the memories.

Fuck everything God has done. Yeah, you're right. You got into it way too late. Undercover Dan says for what you guys have been able to put out. Thanks for the memories. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yeah, you're right. You got into it way too late. Undercover Dan says, what should I do with this gag account now? Oh, I don't know. Thanks so much. Yeah. Stay undercover, dude. Use it to sign up for giveaways. Follow anyone with the name Dan

on Twitter. Follow 10,000 Dan's. Yeah, that's your move. And retweet anyone who says the name Dan in a tweet. How about this? I think it could be even better. Follow a bunch of girls that used to date a guy named Dan. Oh, that also works.

That's so funny. Oh, that's really funny. That's really funny. Also, thanks so much for everything. I found you guys in college, and now I'm a literal rocket scientist. Oh, wow. You're undercover Dan, and you build a rocket

we're like so excited that we moved from a house to a shitty apartment and this guy's like well yeah well you're doing this i learned how rockets work hearing that i'm like you know what you should do with your gag account deactivate it and go double check the rockets like that should really be priority one yeah you helped me through a lot of dark shit you all fucking rule he spelled fucking wrong which doesn't inspire a lot of confidence for the Rockets. Can't wait to see what happens next for you all. Well, everyone knows if you don't spell check your Rockets. Also, just to follow this up, this is still undercover, Dan.

I was first introduced to you by a friend on a road trip. It was a sketch about a boy's mom loving to get fucked by a potato gun. And now you guys are writing for a Comedy Central show. Fuck in. Spelled wrong again. Bonkers, boys. Was that Joe wrote Potato Gun? That was Joe.

Fucking the lady who just wanted to get fucking blasted in the cooch by a potato gun. That was a funny sketch. He would come. There was a weird gay vampire lab, and he'd come out with this. Bizarre shit. Upsetting shit. And you go over to his apartment, and it's just this kind of spooky. He's like, this dude just sitting in here burning candles, writing stuff about dead babies for the podcast.

He's writing another Mortaro. I know, he's awesome. Cruz says, what happened to Joe Dodge? Did you guys have a falling out? Did you invite him to come on the farewell shows? And he said, no. No hate, just curious. Thanks for all the great shows.

You guys rule. Yeah, I think we covered all that earlier. Yeah, he just wanted to move on with his life. He didn't want to come back. That's genuinely what it is. He's on to a different phase. He wanted to move on. There was a little bit of friction, and it just kind of went the way it went. We've talked to come back. That's genuinely what it is. He's on to a different phase. He wanted to move on. There was, you know,

there was a little bit of friction and it just kind of went the way it went. Yeah. We've talked to him since. We still see him around. We still like Joe. One of my favorite people.

All right. Let's go to the Discord real quick. That's officially the Twitter. There's the Twitter. That was, oh, fuck. Hour 15 on this hunk. Oh, man. Let's see.

Jeffrey Jefferson says two things. David Spade better be on this episode. Wouldn't hold your breath. Yep. Will Connor ever become a real boy? Oh, geez. As soon as David Spade does Mean Boys. I refuse a podcast with David Spade.

That'll show him. Yeah, that's my line. He was talking about that today. He was really him. Yeah, that's why I wanted him to say. He was talking about that today. He was really upset. Princess says, hi, sup. I don't think she knows Mean Boys. She just joined the Discord because she found the server. Yeah, she might be somewhere.

She's like, they're posting dicks in here. Yeah, it's an anime picture. I don't trust it. BonerLord96 says, no question. Just love you guys. Thanks for the laughs. Can't wait to see what you all do next. Thanks, bud. Estrogent, which I

believe is Becca? I don't know. It could be a lot of people on our Discord. We matter, but I don't want to blow anybody's spot. I fucking hate you all so much. Fuck you all and fuck you individually. Thank you for making something I could love enthusiastically. Thank you for making something I hate to think about losing this much.

Aw. Geez. Fuck you. Fuck you too, lady. Thank you for making something I hate to think about losing this much. Aw. Geez. Wow. Fuck you. Fuck you, best wishes. To Dunks. Oh, T-Dunks. Yeah, you dumb hooker.

T-Dunks says, no questions either, just a big rock hard thanks for everything. A big throbbing load of gratitude. I like that, yeah. Getting me through some shitty times in life. I look forward to following what hopes to be very successful careers for the lot of you. Yeah, hopefully. Ragged Company says, who wins in a fight between Tom Goss and Chuck Liddell if the penalty for losing is a 24-hour claymation marathon? If I have a gun, I win. Otherwise, I'm going to die.

We've worked a little with Chuck Liddell. He's a fucking monster. Yeah, he's scary, man. Seems like a nice guy, but he's scary man like seems like a nice guy yeah a physical monster getting getting physically annoyed by claymation does not make me able to kill the absolute the the biggest killing machine in the world that dude it's not the queen of diamonds yeah it's superpower yeah the dude is something yeah bugs you uh what does making it in comedy mean to each you i feel like we've answered this one a few times. I mean, maybe,

I mean, I always thought it was just to be able to make a living, but now it's actually, it turns out there is no meaning and I'm want to die. Sure. Why not? I, uh,

I don't know. I think, uh, balancing being able to live comfortably and also make shit that you're proud of, uh, which I feel like I'm currently doing. So I'm,

I'm kind of doing it. Yeah. I mean, my, my, uh, I, uh, when i can tour consistently constantly and make amount of money that does that doesn't uh my version of of comfortable

completely self-sufficient uh you know that's it not quite there yet i mean i yeah i suppose i would like to uh um not have to embarrass myself or you know teach a shitty class or whatever you know just whatever live like you know not have to do anything like fucking i don't say degrading because it's you know just regular work but like it's sad if you're an artist you know and then um just to have the respect of my peers i mean that's any job like the people that i feel i respect i guess when you have a career and you're working at the higher of my peers. I mean, that's any job. Or the people that I feel I respect, I guess. Once you have a career and you're working at the higher level, like, look, if you were going to school to become a, you know, an engineer and you worked at a Starbucks, that'd be fine.

But if you became, like, a head engineer somewhere and then had to go back to working at Starbucks, you don't want to move. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know. At Crucible 3, this one looks like it's going to be sad. I'm not sure I have it in me to tell you how much this finding the show and subsequently its community has done for me. Mean Boys has been such a powerful force for good in my life that I'm actually not sure if I'd be alive right now without it.

I was tempted to finish this off with something edgy slash retarded slash mean, but I've never been good at roasting. So instead, I hope you all get so famous the rest of the world cries as much at your passing as we all now weep for this show. Wow, that was very nice. Oddly poetic. What a kind, gay thing to say. It's okay because he's actually gay. But he's not retarded, so he's canceled.

Condon the Wand says, which is worse, Morning Wood or Boredom Boner? I say Morning Wood 100%. Well, yeah, you might have to do some in the morning, but boredom boner, that turns into four hours where you didn't do anything. See, I can yank one out in 20 minutes and then fucking make a sandwich and work on something. No, I get jacking sometimes, and the day gets away from me.

See, I can come quick if I want to. I've never had issue with any sort of boner, so I don't understand the question. Every boner is a gift. Tom Goss has never met a boner he didn't like. Yeah, I've never had issue with any sort of boner, so I don't understand the question. Every boner is a gift. Every, yeah. Tom Goss never met a boner he didn't like. Yeah, I've always been, look, if it's mine, it's optimistic. Would you rather be conceived doggy style, missionary, or anal? Well, I was conceived doggy style.

I know this. So I picked not that one. Yeah. Doggy style makes you autistic. Well, and we know that Keith loves doggy style, so I guess I just leave. I'd like to be a butt baby. You know what? I want to be conceived with my mom on top because she's an empowered lady.

Yeah, I think so. Estrogen, it's a serious question. Tell us one moment that comes to mind when you think about how you realized the show's fan base had developed a life unto itself? It felt like the first time I saw the mold growing on the sink at Pacquiao Palace, like, oh, this is separate from us but still attached. This was recent, but it was nice when everyone sang the Mean Boys Mailbox song. Yeah, that was really cool. Andrew Hillary at Halloween, that was cool. I think part of it is, as we've kind of done more shows and toured more,

it went from our first few shows to be scattered crowd. Nobody looked at each other. Nobody. And then as it went on further, I think Mean Boys fans either knew each other through the discord

or they started to be like, oh, I can actually, like, I understand what a Mean Boys fan is. Yeah. And they kind of would hang out. It was heartwarming watching them all hang out.

Yeah. And you'd see like, you know, these kind of like fucking, you know, woke of like Fucking you know Woke adjacent dweebs from like the unpopped world Run into like these people who found us from real ass And like you know it's the

It's the gorilla and the kitty at the zoo Getting along over like a mutual thing I was like that was cool I would say that We exist in sort of like a podcast Political ceasefire zone So we have people from a lot of different spaces. Sorry to interrupt.

No, no, you're good. I would say that you guys figured out what a Mean Boys fan was before we did. Like, you guys met each other and started talking to each other like, oh, that's why. Because we just kind of thought you were basement dwellers and edgelords and yada, yada, yada. There's only most of you guys. Yeah. Some of you were that and trans. That was barely like 80, 90% of it.

Yeah. Let's see. What is a rad cool guy? Great name, bro. Says, what has Tom done with his weapons since he moved? I mean, I gave a couple away at Halloween. I don't know. I still have a lot of them.

Some of them. The worst answer you could have to wear your weapons is I don't know. I mean, some of them. Some of them... The worst answer you could have to wear in your weapons is, I don't know, Tom. I mean, some of them are kind of in storage right now. Look, here's the deal with the weapons. In storage. Here's the deal. I have to get rid of most of them. I'm going to keep some of them that have actual weapon use to them.

But a lot of the, like... You're keeping the practical medieval weapons. Yeah. Some of the novelty ones I have to part ways with just because like look i have to grow up and a lot of you guys gave me these weapons because you realize like i can't have a girlfriend and a sword collection so i'm gonna give them to tom i also need to take those steps in my life and like separate myself from the sword lore oh Oh, yeah. Nothing is funnier than me, and I appreciate nothing more than those gifts, because they do genuinely

they made me feel very, very good. I thought it was so fucking funny. So it's not a disrespect to anyone who gave me wine, but I do have to separate from it. It's just people understand. Yeah, yeah. What Tom is saying is, please keep giving. Swords, machetes, big hammers, like hilarious mallets

you would fight Donkey Kongong look yeah i need you to keep giving you know what i said the other day he wants a big mace like the biggest one they really the the most cumbersome weapons you can give him give him those yeah you know what i might start doing is whatever someone opens with me at the end of the drive home just be like hey man i just uh i know i know you got a little bit of cash but but I want to show a token of appreciation. And then just hand him a broadsword. Oh, yeah. Or you just put him out in an umbrella can with a sign that says,

Take one. It could be kind of funny. Pose Pumpkin says, oh, I guess they're just asking about the Omega Tom. Lewis Galvin has also asked if you had any other plans for Clinton and McGillicuddy that we ever got to. Oh, no, not really. I mean, it's kind of a funny idea, but. I thought it was funny.

Yeah, it just wasn't the kind of, I mean, it was sort of something that was like, at the time, felt like a good idea to do, I guess. And it's like the sort of what it would be. I don't really want to do anymore. So, no Yeah probably not Alright That's it for the Discord Wow

Alright well Let's Let's take a break Unload this SD card And then we'll We'll figure out These voicemails Yeah let's do it

Okay cool Well guys We took a day break It's day two Of the last episode Of Mean Boys But this part Don't worry It was a great record sesh To end on because it is 100% sketches and emotional labor.

So, yeah, going to be a lot of good stuff. We've got 74 voicemails, an hour and 21 minutes. That's insane. And we're about to just, yeah, we're about to do our farewell playlist here. We're about to do a Lord of the Rings movie worth of voicemails. Oh, God, yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. All right, well, let's take us away.

Hi, Mean Boys. I just wanted to let you know that I've been listening through the archives after you announced that you're ending the podcast, and I really love it all. And I'm just sad that you're ending and i probably will not catch up uh to hear your last episode in time so you know fuck you for stopping a good thing and without this in my life i think i just have to end it all all right uh didn't love that last bit and the next voicemail is just a lone gunshot. Yeah, but thanks for all the kind words, man.

Yeah, also, you can just go listen to the last episode and then go back. Yeah, I had a buddy who used to read the last page of a book before he would even start the book. You don't have to listen in order. It's not a super canonical show. Yeah. Well, it is and it isn't, but, I mean, it's like... You'll get the gist. You know when you see, like, a sitcom in syndication and you don't you don't really follow it as a narrative plot, but you get the gist?

You can just do that. Let's keep explaining the basics of media consumption to this man. Yeah. Thanks, I guess, is what we're getting at. Please don't kill yourself. There's already too many people I'm worried about. Yeah. All right, next one.

We have been trying to reach you y'all concerning your car's extended warranty you should have received something in the mail about your car's extended oh i remember this guy i think we met this guy in pittsburgh you know what i love about this is they couldn't even get a non-sketchy sounding guy to do the thing it's a little racist just because he has an accent. He's sketchy. Your car's extended warranty. Again, press 1 to speak with a warranty specialist. I think it's a...

It sounds like a robot with a broken English accent and I'm so confused. I think it was an Indian accent but it's speech to text Indian accent. He said warranty every time the same weird way.

Yeah, I thought it was Chinese. I heard some sort of Vietnamese in there but... Well, either way, thanks for being a fan of the same weird way. Yeah, I thought it was Chinese. I heard some sort of Vietnamese in there. Well, either way, thanks for being a fan of the show. Hey there, mean boys. It's Isaac from Manitoba, Canada, via Orlando, via living in my car. Oh, this guy. Just want to call and say thanks for all the laughs over the years. You've been a steady voice in my ears as I'm putting miles on the road.

And like all good things, come to an end. And I guess mean boys, too. Anyway, final game for you guys. You got the time. Fuck, marry, kill. Ramsey, Opie, and Joe Dosh. Fuck everything, God is dead. That is a tough one.

That is a tough one. First of all, shout out to this guy who lives in his van in Orlando, Florida, and still took care of you when you were sick. I know, yeah, I was going to do it at the end, but this guy was unbelievably helpful when I was sick out in Orlando. He randomly had juggling experience and paramedic training. The most relevant person who could have been in that parking lot. Yeah, it was like an EMT

specifically for me. Of all the knives I've been gifted, he gave me the dullest ones and I appreciate it. Wow. Fuck, marry, kill Joe Ramsey, Opie. Yeah, I think I probably fuck Opie. Because I've never been with a black girl. No, I think I probably fuck Opie because I've never been with a black girl.

Okay. No, I have. I guess I probably, and then it's marry Ramsey or marry Joe. I probably have to marry Ramsey and kill Joe just because Ramsey and I have a lot of common interests. I get that. I think I marry Opie for his money. I think I fuck Ramsey because it'll annoy my mom. And then I kill Joe, unfortunately.

Fuck, I forgot Opie had money. I would marry Opie. Not too late. I'm working this corner trick. Damn. Not too late for me. So I guess I'll marry Opie for a reason that I did not think through. And that's a that's a tie.

You know what? I would I would go. Sorry, Ramsey, but I'd fuck Joe just because he'd at least know what he's doing. That's a fair point. Maybe maybe make it somewhat is somewhat enjoyable. It's going to be all fussy about it. Right. Yeah.

Ramsey's going to tell me he's yelling vape rights facts to the back of my head. Ramsey seems like he'd top from the bottom. No, you're going to. He's doing a lot of complaining and making a lot of rules. You're going to hit it too hard from the back and his glasses are going to come off like a bitch. Ah, nerdlinger. Yeah. He's a tiny man.

I don't want to hurt the fella. Like you're sodomizing Milhouse. Yeah. That is a delicate suit. Like you doing that, that's getting a gorilla in a minivan you know don't yeah don't want to hurt them so for your for your own for your own safety ramsay i'm gonna kill you i don't know what to say fellas i know that it's uh the last month well last week or so of the boys, but I mean, I'm just going to say what everyone else is thinking.

I mean, you guys have really, you know, without knowing it, you've been there for me. I love the buffoon's mournful banjo of a voice. When things get pinchy, you know, every Tuesday, right there on my feet. You know,

and I'm going to miss that And I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss that. You know, you guys, you brought a whole community of just misfits and ragtags and ne'er-do-wells and, I don't know, drop whatever racial epithet you want to put in there or whatever, but it doesn't matter whenever we're all together like we are. And we're going to miss y'all for that.

You've done a lot of good on accident. Just a bunch of simple cunts brought a bunch of angry people together, and we're all a little better for it. And if that's what it takes to keep the world running around, then who the hell am i to argue you know god damn you sound so wise fuck you know i'm happy to have you know heard you guys grow through these past you know pretty much four years pushing five maybe not exactly sure on the time but i mean it's it's been a real guys, and it's been a pleasure every time that I listen to an episode or show someone that, you know, didn't know the show before what's got me laughing like an idiot whenever there's nothing to laugh at because a guy had something.

You know, it's none of their fucking business, but I'm going to show them anyway. And hopefully you guys will come back and do something like this maybe, or you'll put it out on a wider audience. That would be pretty great, but if that's not what you guys are into anymore, you're still growing as comics, as writers, and as men. And it really has been wonderful to be alongside you guys for an hour a week through that whole process. So this is my final goodbye, boys. I'm going to miss y'all. And I hope that the future holds nothing but, you know, tight slips, big dicks, and no cages for Tom.

Y'all have a wonderful, wonderful life. Like you never hear from me again. But who knows? Hey, shit. Ain't none of us dead yet, right? All right, boys. Y'all have a great day. Man, thanks, Dad.

Wow. Damn, the fucking buffoon, dude. Well, yeah, that sounded like he was narrating the end of a movie with the shots of what kind of happens to everybody. Yeah, it was the end of Stand By Mean. Yeah, yeah. that sounded like he was narrating the end of a movie with the shots of what kind of happens to everybody. It was the end of Stand By Mean. Yeah, yeah. Stand By Mean. And when he says, and his men, you see Keith install the toilet paper at his new place.

Everyone went on to bigger, better things, except for Connor McSpadden, who was killed in the Vietnam War. That would be nice. Would be nice. Well, thanks, Buffoon. Thanks, man. Buff would be nice. Would be nice. Well, thanks, Buffoon. Thanks, man. Buffoon is an A-plus fan. It was some beautiful words, and it's always an honor to have great fans like you. Keep on buffooning in the free league.

Hey, Mean Boys. It's Will from Nashville. Hell yeah. I thought I'd call you one last time because you guys decided to quit the podcast, which I respect. That's great. I'm happy for you guys. Just want to say, you know, thanks for letting me drive you around.

The offer's always out if you guys ever want to get back together and do a little comedy tour or either one, any one of you, if you want to come out. I don't expect Connor to, but Tom or Keith, I know you guys are down. One fact, I have a living will, and I've put my van in there, and it's going to go to Tom. So, Tom, if you'd like my van, it's yours when I die. Holy fuck. Are you serious?

If you want to come take me out, you can. But I don't see you traveling. You're on bike. But, yeah, I just want to say thanks a lot. It was great meeting you guys. I'm sorry I don't get to listen to you guys every week. And I was going to try and call in and tell the story about how I cut my balls open with a pair of kitchen shears after I lost my health insurance. That wasn't why I cut them open.

It just happened to happen after I lost health insurance. But I guess I just told the story. So, anyway, fuck everything. God is dead. I love you guys. Bye. I love you, so anyway fuck everything god is dead i love you guys bye i love you will that fucking ride i fucking love you yeah the shit is happening somebody left you a van in their will i don't think my parents have anything for me in their will this is dope i don't know you have to murder will ah no i can't you're getting whatever you can carry faster than your surfer brother, probably.

And then this guy's got you set up with a van. That's nice. Yeah. No, that's so fucking funny. That's fucking great. A plus bit, Will. That's so funny. Yeah.

No, and I know I hit you up because I was going to try to do a different run that I ended up doing before Chicago. But, Will, man, we're going to hang out again soon. I plan on diving into touring. Yeah, likewise, man. Once I'm not all spayed it up, I will hit you up, and we'll go cruise around. Yeah, same, buddy.

All righty. Hey, Mean Boys. I've sent you another voicemail where I was set okay by. Yeah. But my Transylvanian vampire co-worker walked into the spa, so I had to hang up the phone real quick. I finally listened to every one of the normal broadcasted podcasts. And, yeah, sad to see it go, but I do prefer things with an ending. Proud of you guys. I'm glad that you guys are going on doing bigger and better things.

Just wanted to let you know, because every voicemail is someone going through hard times and all sorts of shit. I'm a 36-year-old successful licensed massage therapist who is happily married with two

stepkids and a toddler that is actually mine. Boss. You cannot breathe that way after you say the word toddler. Toddler. Toddler.

Yeah, a successful licensed massage therapist. I felt the insecurity dripping off that one. Yeah, I've never heard bragging sound so wet. Yeah. Good to hear you. We're raising, and me and my wife love to listen to this while playing Diablo, among other things. Aw. Diablo.

That's awesome. One more thing before I go is fuck everything. God is dead. I'm Seto Kaiba. I have a bug in my ass. Am I supposed to know what that is? I mean, that's a joke just for me. I have a bug in my ass. Ass. Am I supposed to know what that is? I mean, that's a joke just for me, and it's not doing it very well.

Is it a Yu-Gi-Oh reference? It is a Yu-Gi-Oh reference, yeah. Well, thanks, man. Thanks, buddy. Actually, as much as we joke about you all being fucking mongoids, it is nice to hear good things that have happened in your life and good things that are happening, and that's pretty fucking cool. Yeah, man, I'm glad it's going well. Every time I do hear about a Mean Boys fan having a kid though i'm just like are you sure yeah i'm so

happy you get money to touch people man you seem super yeah that's the voice i'd want children massaging my back uh yeah the feeling i want to tell you about my toddlers you know what's sad is people that listen to the show with like uh their wife or their girlfriend it is it shouldn't that shouldn't give the host hope that he could find the girlfriend that you're going to settle down with someday right it does so thanks man that's that's nice to hear this one is kind of fucked up. Yeah, I think you're holding your phone upside down, dude. Yeah, sorry, buddy.

Hey, Mean Boys. Sam from Wisconsin. Just calling one more time. I tried to leave this message before. For some reason, I thought that last episode happened already. But here goes. I just wanted to say thank you for uh just all the hours of entertainment uh all the trip the trips you made out to the midwest were fantastic i'm sure not as

much for you guys as it was mostly like siberia here except that last time in chicago but uh yeah that was actually that was pretty special i think to a lot of us, to have you guys come out from your beautiful California place and come out to a show of probably like 50 or so people just to see the fans and perform. That was just fantastic. I like the implication there, because we know you didn't make very much money. That's the guy, you guys. I want to say thanks for all the hours of the solid entertainment.

You guys put out such a consistently good product. Like every single episode was worth listening to, and many of them I re-listened to. It's fantastic for long car rides or at work when you're pretty sure no one's listening. I wanted to say my favorite bit was probably the cat in the hat and the Jimbo Kimbo crossover that you guys did. I don't recall ever laughing so hard at anything else in my entire life.

I remember what I was doing at the time, and it was at work, and I couldn't work for like five fucking minutes. I was laughing so hard after that. And just thank you guys for everything. I'm sad it's ending, but I'm glad you guys are finishing strong so you're not phoning it in. Everyone's sticking around. Like I said, the consistency.

I've never listened to a podcast that I listened to every episode of it and thought, oh, that was good. That was worth my time to listen to, and I'm going to listen to it again. So also a little shout-out and thanks to Joe Dosh if he's listening and Adam Todd Brown because I probably never would have found you guys if it wasn't for Connor fucking shitting on Randall Maynard and then feeling terrible about it, but also kind of not feeling terrible about it, which I thought, yeah, that's pretty fair. I don't know if Connor's then feeling terrible about it, but also kind of not feeling terrible about it, which I thought, yeah, that's pretty fair.

Randall's an adult. I don't know if Randall's actually feeling terrible about it. Anyways, yeah, thank you guys for everything. If you're ever in the area or in the Midwest touring, I'll be watching the Instagrams and whatnot, so hit me up if you need a place to stay or something. But, yeah, keep it real, guys. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Oh, thanks, Sam. Thanks, man. I everything. God is dead. Oh, thanks, Sam. Thanks, man. I'm glad you dug the fucking return of Jimbo Kimble, who I've done multiple sketches about and still don't even know if he's humanoid. Like, I don't really know what Jimbo Kimble is at this point. Yeah, when I picture him, he's like a bad cartoon drawing of you as a talk show host. Yeah, Jimbo Kimble is I don't want to take the time to write dialogue. So I just go, blah, blah, blah,

and it works. And then there's like the one funny idea you had in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, thank you again to you and everyone else who came out to the show in Chicago.

That was great. And by the time this airs, it will be out on pre-sale. Hell yeah. I've been notified since when we recorded yesterday, so please. Oh, he was talking about

your album when you did that. I thought he was talking about the tour tour my bad. He's talking about both I think yeah, he was talking about both. He mentioned both. Yeah. Yeah, okay Cool. Thanks, Sam Hey, what's up, mean boys? It's Ray from New York Just want to make my last call and hopefully Didn't wait too long Get on to the show. I just want to say thank you guys for all the good laughs in the past couple of years.

Yeah, I'm really going to fucking miss you guys. I mentioned last year, I live in a weird little world in my head because I got PTSD and shit, even to the point where I'm so spunk-y, I just drove across America. I drove from New York to Colorado. I'm living in Colorado now. And listening to you guys while driving across the country was a fucking blast. You guys really fucking help.

You have no idea. Fucking keep the humor up. Make sure I'm not getting all fucking depressed because I'm leaving my home. I wish you guys luck in the humor up. Make sure I'm not getting all fucking depressed because I'm leaving my home. I wish you guys luck in the fucking future. You guys are doing fucking great. I know you guys aren't fucking dying or anything. Just got bigger and fucking better things moving on, too.

It's fucking dope. I'm fucking happy for you guys. Thanks for all the laughs. Fucking fuck everything God said is shit. Aw, thanks, man. Might be the most consecutive fuckings in a voicemail ever. Yeah. And the most moving

vehicle voicemail. Yeah, I just fucking appreciate, hi, it's me, I'm going 800 fucking miles a fucking hour. I'm saying fuck a lot from a fucking train. I'm a fucking, you know, I got a lot of fucking emotions because I'm all fucking scared and shit. It sounded like you were, like, doing that thing where you kidnap your son and you drive him across state lines. He's asleep in the back. He's like, oh, fuck the Mean Boys.

That's right. This is our first voicemail from inside an active Amber Alert. That was great. First for everything. You got that, guys. Toddler. Hi, guys. It's Alexis. hi guys it's alexis i'm leaving my last ever mean boys voicemail which honestly has me feeling very

very sad chapter one i just want to say once again thank you guys so much for everything that you've done for all of us thanks for all the laughs, all the good times. We're going to miss you. I know the whole fan base is going to miss you. This show was a completely unique kind of experience that no other podcast can replicate. But, hey, to all you Mean Boys fans out there, I'm trying. That's right. It's Alexis here.

My husband and I have our own podcast, The Violet Wanderers. Find us at VioletWanderers.com, where we're ripping off not only the Mean Boys, but also this is rad. We've totally taken both of those, mashed them together, and gayed them all the way up. Didn't we just kill Mr. Gear with that? No, it's Mr. Clear? It's like you killed me more than you married and, you know, more than you're a professional comedian.

It's so funny. I combined two losing ideas. It's a foreign pinto with lawn darts inside. is done to the Violet Wanderers. That's VioletWanderers.com

and check us out. All right, Billy Gaze. I'm sorry. That was too good. I love you guys. I hope you play this because it's ridiculous. I will miss you. And I'm honestly tearing up just a little bit,

even through my bit there. So, yeah. Congratulations on everything, and, you know, fuck everything. God is dead for the last time. Well, you cried over nothing, and you made a thing that was about us about you. Congratulations, Alexis.

You really are a woman. You really are, Nicole. No, thank you. Congratulations, Alexis. You really are a woman. You really are Nicole. Thank you so much for being such a pillar of the community and for everything you've done for us as a group and individually. One of the very small core of like early Turbo fans outside of like people we just kind of knew via comedy. Yeah. Like really was the first like one of the first out of state people like her and Ryan Colby where I'm like, oh, other humans are finding this. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's let us crash her house. Let us shoot Faygo on her property. I almost shot her in the face of the crossbow. My sure. Sorry about that. You put it right under her head. Yeah. Well, you could have gotten away with an Indiana, too.

Oh, yeah. Oh, they would have made me the mayor. Yeah. Yeah. You would have taken over her diner. No, but thank you. This is great to hear from. We just saw you recently when you were. Are you kidding me? Yeah. You would have taken over her diner. No, but thank you, Alex. This is great to hear from you. We just saw you recently when you were out in L.A.

Yeah. And I think I speak for all of us when I say we always kind of enjoyed your annoying charm. Yeah. You're what we at the biz call a six out of ten of a hang. But, yeah, no, thank you. And thanks for all the putting us up and all that through the years. We appreciate it. No, yeah, we've talked a zillion times.

We love you, Alexis. All right. Next one. Hey, Mean Boys. This is the suicide guy. Oh, really? I guess that would be my buddy Kyle. I'm just the guy that keeps calling you guys to talk about it.

But that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to, you know, hear my voice again on a podcast. And you guys are ending years and Adam Todd Brown never fucking plays mine. So I figured this was my last chance. But we showed him. I just wanted to let you guys know,

you know, like I said on the last voicemail, I used to listen to this show with my buddy all the time before he decided to call it quits. And now that you guys are doing the same thing, it's like I'm losing my best friend all over again. I just really wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. You know, it's really worth giving you all $10 a month for the last year and a half. I mean, that's almost $200 to split between the four of you over a long period of time. I just expect a little more, but that's fine.

You know, you guys do you. That's pretty funny. All right, well, I'm done with that bit for real. Don't tell them about multiplication. They're going to realize that they've been hosed. I love you guys. Giving me some of the best fucking memories that I have. Like the Orlando show, that was the shit.

Although I knew when you didn't have extra large shirts that this venture was not going to last very much longer, that, you know, whether it was a lack of foresight or effort or caring, whatever, you know what I'm trying to fucking say. The voicemail is probably going to run out. I love you guys so much. Thank you so much. I can't wait to run into one of you at a grocery store 10 years from now and gush about how often I re-listen to these episodes for you to respond with holy shit i forgot i did that it's gonna be awesome uh so yeah thank you fuck everything connor's gay

man i really hope you don't run into us in the grocery store in orlando in 10 years or something went really wrong yeah if that happens, it's going to be me. Although I will say it was a lack of foresight. You underestimate how fat the rest of the fans are around the country. You were the last stop, buddy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we had faith in you people for once.

Yeah, the pork munchers really came out en masse. Yeah. They flocked is what they did. But thank you, man. Thank you for calling in. Also, thank you for, you know, we remember the voicemail where you called and you told us about your buddy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it didn't make it. That meant a lot to us. We talked a lot about it then. I'm glad you're still holding in there and you're still doing all right. Me too. Yeah. No, I'm fucking.

Yeah. And I hope I hope I hope you are doing all right. And, you know, fucking stick in there, man. You're a really nice guy to talk to out in Orlando. Yeah, it's a mean old world, and I'm glad we, in a way, had some laughs together. So I just left the voicemail suicide guy again. I think I said there were four of you. I don't know why.

I'm sorry. I'm a dumbass. All right. That's all. That was worth making this last episode a little bit longer. That's going to be really funny when it is two hours and 50 minutes into the show. Yeah. Man, that's so fucking funny. Nice.

Hey, boys. I'm just sad to see you disbanding the band, but I will say that in the future, if I'm ever desperate enough, I will subscribe to Patreon, just those premium bonuses. I'm sorry, with all due respect, I don't want to hear intelligent, unscripted Tom. I don't think I'll be nearly as fun as retarded, scripted Tom.

But, um, before you guys cancel it, I just wanted to say that I'm really happy you let us know the apartments you were living and you're moving into in your uh live episode because I will show up there one day I'll pretend to be UPS and you know fuck you all in your asses I'm kidding but seriously I will want to meet you in person someday because you guys sound cool keep up the good fight and uh i love you uh fuck

everything god is dead mean boys are dead and um oh you know my uh wife's unborn baby's dead but you can be helped you sound like a lot dude yeah man i never thought i did this but i missed the fun charming whimsy of suicide guy i love i that one of his bits is like, I'm going to find Relive and I'm going to rape you. Just joshing. Hey, man, I'm just calling to say congrats on a show. One of you is retarded. I'm not giving you any money and you're all getting raped. Anyway, my baby's dead.

I'm a Nazi. This is hilarious. Did he threaten to rape us on the voicemail? Correct, yes. I was so bored I tuned out and I missed that part. I'm really trying to stay focused because we just got out of work, and I'm fucking tired. But, like, yeah, I was like, ugh. I kind of got, like, what is he talking about?

I don't know if you know this. That's what rape whistles are for. They're not to scare off rapists. They're to keep you alert so you don't get born next to them and get raped because you weren't paying attention. Like, so you don't fall asleep while you're driving. You were like, I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow. Hey, ow.

Yeah, yeah. I miss when you were retarded and scripted is one of the funniest things I like that we scripted the whole show yeah well we have said it's a scripted comedy podcast I know which is only kind of look I've learned so much

about how people perceive media through this show I wish I was a good enough writer to write Tom Goss the character he thinks we're up all night the night before drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes I wish I was a good enough writer to write Tom Goss the character. I know. He thinks we're up all night the night before drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at the typewriter. Like, no, let's have him interrupt the game a few more times to ask you guys know Korea, right? Interior space.

Godzilla is there. Yeah. All right. Hey, boys. This is Rebecca from the Discord. Hey. Calling in with another voicemail. I'm sure not too different from what a lot of other people are calling in.

Going to miss you all. You mean a lot. Content like this shouldn't mean what it does to people, but the community that's come up around this podcast people care about each other and and people find that hey for whatever crazy-ass reason your podcast makes us feel less alone and that's a testament to real passion for the craft. And I just had a thought that, like, you know, Potter's whole thing is how little he cares. But I think, you know, I really think this maybe is all just a testament to how

really hard you all have worked. And God, I'm going to miss you all. Thank you. Oh, I'm going to miss you too. We're not dying. And I don't know if my whole thing is I don't care. It's been pretty vocally your thing

for a very long time. Really? Yeah, there's a super cut of you probably saying it 800 times in the past six months. Oh, on the show? Yeah. There's a super cut of you probably saying it 800 times in the past six months. Oh, on the show? Yeah. Oh, well, I guess it is my thing then. Yeah.

But no, I love you're talking about the community too because this is Becca we met out there and I love that at one point it was like you, Alexis, and Mallory were just like the transgender three stooges running the Discord. I know yeah I find it very funny that like our fans have

Like this weird queer Super fun contingent who are very supportive Who then like the most Willfully ignorant stupid podcast Ever made it turns out we're the water That Alex Jones thought made you gay Yeah That's funny yeah yeah

You listen to the radio Show and they turn the chicks into dudes, the dudes into dogs. It's anarchy. You should have kept a closer eye on your competitors, Alex. My name's Rich. You're a fan of the show. We're going to miss you all. I got to say that it's nice hearing a show

where you hear a lot of queer people still making really funny jokes at each other's expenses and not be this weird, sad. Especially as a gay guy myself, it's really cool to hear gays and trans and bisexual people and weird ex-warriors just doing their thing. And yeah, it's really been a really great helpful of a show for me for a while um question for you all what is a podcast that you recommend other than leaving the tribe which is a great podcast i'm listening to either which way fuck everything god's dead need voice for life thanks again for all that you did uh yeah thank thank you that was really sweet yeah that was very sweet and you know we were just talking about this but uh you know that always meant a lot to me too like you know that it's

i feel like a lot of queer art ends up coming from a place of you know here's me being a victim and feeling like you know disconnected and sort of isolated and it was nice to do a thing where we could just kind of fuck around the way we wanted to you know and i think a lot of the queer guests we've had on the show and queer fans kind of clicked into that and that you don't have access to this kind of outlet within that scene a lot so i'm glad it registered you i'm glad that made sense what are i don't even listen to podcasts really i was i was really like that uh it didn't whenever we had queer people on the show it didn't i didn't feel all like this like i didn't feel any pretense about it like it was an environment where i wouldn't really think about it that much like yeah i don't know if you meet someone you don't know them that

well they're transgender you you know colors your interaction with them the way you want to try to be respectful you're probably a little bit you know i'm nervous totally piss them off but um yeah whenever whenever we had anyone like that like the show i felt very comfortable and open and just like we were all sitting at the same table. So I'm really glad that that came across and that it's meant something so much to a lot of you. I mean, yeah. I mean, for me, it was just more of a comedy thing. But, yeah, I'm glad that kind of what I think we were all going for in that way worked.

Yeah, no, I mean, whenever we had a gay or trans guest i i don't think any of us ever viewed them as gay or trans i i just viewed them as loud and i just i just viewed them as gross and called it a day no i mean we just we just you know funny is funny and it's we're not discriminatory over it yeah i'm gonna recommend the podcast because you asked about other podcasts to listen to and there's a 90% chance you won't enjoy it, but if you're the kind of person who would, you'll really like it. It's called Podcast the Ride. It is an entire podcast

just about theme parks. Each episode is like two hours long. It's about one ride. The dudes are very funny. It's very good. I recommend the episode about Muppet Vision 3D with Griffin Newman that is like three and a half hours long. I'd like to recommend the Bank of America podcast. I think we should go pure corporatism.

So fucking, yeah, they got some good riffs on there. There you go. I love Tim Dillon's Going to Hell. Really makes me laugh. About Tim's name. He's the funniest guy right now. All right, next one. I just took a weed picture and it's been about 30 minutes and still hasn't caked in.

I think I should take another one. Oh. Anyway, do y'all have Joe Dosh's digits? You're looking kind of cute these days. Wait, whose digits? Joe's. Oh. Basically, he was like, I'm taking edibles and I want to fuck Joe, was the conceit

of that. Probably not going to fuck Joe on edibles. Yeah. Great. Joe will eat you alive. Yeah, you can't handle Joe. Hey, meme boys. After listening to the last episode, I knew I wanted to give you guys a call and let you know about

how much the show has meant to me over the last couple of years and how much I enjoy it. And how excited I am to see what all three of you guys are going to be doing in the future. And then about 20 minutes after I finished the Halloween episode, I got a call saying that my grandfather had died. So I like to believe that's somehow connected to your show. So, yeah, play this on the last episode. Call me a faggot and make me laugh one last time. Bye. Well, as requested.

Thanks, faggot. Now, follow-up question. Was your grandfather a dentist? Is it nice to know whether or not we feel sad or we throw a small parade? No, I'm sorry your grandpa died, bro. You know what? I'm not sorry. Yeah, it's true.

Tom killed him. Tom thought it was Will with the van. Yeah. Tom's like, I'm going to start killing people and eventually I'll get a van. It's the secret. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, now that I know people are just leaving them for me and Will's,

it's a process of elimination. You're murdering people the way Mario stomps on guys trying to find coins. Yeah. I'm just, yeah, Mario jumping and then the car crushes and they shoot it out like the turtle shells yeah just taking out traffic this guy dropped a red one yeah i mean boys it's eddie i just wanted to call in say thank you uh good luck and hopefully i get to see you guys out on tour someday either alone or together have a good one oh yeah hopefully cool yeah hey boys how's it going I just want to thank you guys for being out there

kind of introducing me to important topics like mental health and feeling I kind of see that you're going to feel life a lot and when I started listening to this podcast,

I was kind of in a darker place. And I developed, I kind of see the Mean Boys storyline as something as you know, a man boy becoming a man.

And I see that in all three of you guys. I kind of see why the podcast is named the way it is. And I'm happy that it's ending. I'm happy that you guys are developing into better men than you were yesterday. And that's something that really resonates with me because it's my journey in the past three years. So that's one of the reasons I like the podcast.

I like listening to your failures, your accomplishments. It resonates with me in such a manner that it's cathartic. And I just want to say thank you. I'm happy you're ending on the terms you are. And I'll just still be supporting you guys with whatever project you guys are doing, as long as I can, you know, try their contributions away. And yeah, yeah, have a good career. And oh, could you quickly name five diseases you get in your stomach?

All right, Tom. Five what? Diseases you get in your stomach. Go. Okay. Ebola, bad gas, good gas, diarrhea, and food. I would have also accepted neutral gas. Neutral gas.

Yeah. Chaotic gas. Chaotic, neutral. Passive-aggressiveral. Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Ray from San Antonio. Leaving my last voicemail for

you guys. I tried really hard to get out to the last Mean Boys. I DJ'd a homecoming dance for a Christian school in New Braunfels texas uh to get money for it but they never paid me so i couldn't go um so i'm really bummed about that but it was a great show based on the podcast i have a quick question and then and then i'll do the i love you part um is there any way in which you guys are releasing the austin show from the last tour because i was really looking forward to hearing that again.

It was a blast. I laughed so hard. I literally threw my friend's purse that I was holding and she got mad. And I don't remember why I laughed that hard. So I wanted to hear it. But, uh, other than that,

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Thank you for the years and years of laughs. I came over after the Randall Maynard episode of Unpops, and I was immediately hooked and just can't thank you enough for all the hard work you guys put into the show. I wish you weren't so lazy so it could keep going, but you have every right to quit. That's your prerogative.

So just thanks. And for all the Mean Boys listeners, if you're looking for a new podcast, check out the Permanent Waves podcast. The podcast is all about Rush. If you like rock music, listen to the rest of the shows on the Permanent Waves podcast network. Thanks for everything, you guys. Have fun starting a network, fuckface. Well, well yeah man uh it was great meeting you in austin the audio is was i don't even think it was even recorded because the fucking thing was i was like we were trying to set it up for like an hour and a half it was yeah it was tremendously fucked i remember on that we were like in indiana

when we realized we were fucking boned it's because the guy that runs the valve has the same like i don't know we'll figure it out when I get there kind of energy. Yeah, that's a great dude. But we didn't really think all the way through. So unfortunately, we'll never be able to put that one out. But I kind of there's part of me that's kind of like, well, just you guys will know. Yeah, there's a few people. There's like 18 people in a few cities that just saw mean boys.

No one else ever. Yeah, well, that one was weird when you were. Yeah, I ate string cheese. It was in a lady's butt, and, like... We got into an argument about trans issues or something on stage with one of the guests. Fucking butthole, some gender-neutral butthole. Yeah, no, I was, honestly, that was maybe my peak dumbness was on the Austin stage. Yeah?

Yeah, no, for a live show? Yeah, no. Were you at Maximum Doidoi? I the Austin stage. Yeah? Yeah. For a live show? Were you at Maximum Doydoy? I don't remember. Yeah, I remember that. It was fun. I remember you doing it kind of angrily to people. You did it kind of in spite of comedy. Or whatever it was.

It was just sort of like it was a confrontational move, but you were like killing. I was confrontational odd headspace. It was just sort of like, it was a confrontational move, but you were like killing. I was confrontationally stupid for everybody. Is it too late to retitle your album? You were doing sort of like your esoteric fake Laffy Taffy stuff, but Sam Kinison was telling it. If that makes sense, I'm probably not describing it good. No, that makes sense. Spot on. Good description. Well, yeah, thanks, buddy, and'm probably not describing it good. No, that makes sense.

Spot on. Good description. All right. Well, yeah, thanks, buddy, and sorry about that. Love you. Hello, Mean Boys. This is Nick Shades. I was just calling to let you guys know that you have a wonderful show

and I guess a promising future because of it in some strange way. And I wish you guys the best. I wanted to say that the final Mean Boys there in that strange yard was a wonderful experience. I was truly surprised. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I was neither. But all my expectations were exceeded, and it was a great time.

I wanted to say also in addition to that, that comment for seven things about Ramzi Badawi that Tom went into, God, that was just adorable, for that final line when Tom calls him a friend. Thank you for all the wonderful episodes. And also, Tom, thank you for the sword. I was very concerned that I was going to be walking back to my truck six blocks and somehow become accosted or some other thing. I think it happens at midnight in Los Angeles in the middle of whatever that is. And as a result, you know what?

A guy in a purple outfit with Leia buns, give him a sword and he doesn't get accosted by anybody. In fact, a lot of people get quiet and give him room. Now I know how healthy he feels. All righty. Have a wonderful one, guys. Thank you so much. Thanks, man. Thanks, man.

Thanks, Leia Buds. And I'm glad you got the sword. I gave a couple away to Halloween. I'm glad. I didn't think anyone was going to want him, and I'm glad that some of you guys wanted him. That's insane that you thought, oh, yeah, surely nobody who's flying cross-country for Tom will want his weapon. I should have given away more weapons. I kept it to two because, like, the pit's only going to last for two swords.

You should have given away shit that we didn't want to get out of that house. I give my old back to the Slayer. You should have given away a bunch of collectible trash from the front lawn. Who wants this air conditioner box full of pee bottles? Yeah, who wants the pizza when we're done? I'm rolling a old broken down fridge off of the roof onto the ground. Clang. Yeah.

Thanks, man. Yeah, no, I'm glad you weren't accosted, although Orion got his into a bar, so I don't think it was that big of an issue. All right. Hey, Maine boys. Hope this is the right address or number here. I've just been listening for a long time

and wanted to say I love the show. I'm calling you a long stock of wheat. I'm a God-fearing Christian boy from southern Kentucky, but it's good to be a little irreverent sometimes. I miss y'all and hope y'all have a good nap there. Good luck with everything.

Just wanted to be on the show for once and been listening since almost the beginning. Hope that everything's good for y'all. Y'all have a good one. Good luck. Oh, thanks, buddy. You have a funny voice. You should have called in earlier.

I'm genuinely mad at you for not calling. You could have been the fucking Bucktooth from Buffalo or whatever. The Bucky from Kentucky. Yeah, the Bucky from Kentucky. We could have had hours of that shit. See how fast that was? Yeah. That could have bought us six months of riffs. Forward all your complaints about this ending to him.

Yeah, this is all his fault. Yeah, to fucking Bucky at Kentucky dot... Yeah. All right. Thanks, man. Hey, mean boys. This is Liz from... Pause.

It's so disorienting when you hear, like, a female voice. Yeah, when you hear the voice of someone who's born a woman, it's a little bit jarred. Genuinely, when you hear a very feminine voice,, when you hear the voice of someone who's born a woman, it's a little bit jarring. Genuinely, when you hear a very feminine voice, I assume it's going to be one of those, your car has been impounded. It also sounded kind of like a sweet, elegant voice.

I love the sound, like us. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Liz from UNC New Jersey. And I love the show. I'm really going to miss you guys. You all are the highlight of my week, and I'm a Patreon subscriber, so I listen to those episodes as well. Awesome, awesome content.

Love Tom's show, Leaving the Tribe. Gets me in my feelings every single time. But my question for you all is, now that you all are making room for more things for your careers to pop off because you're not doing shows anymore, what are your plans going forward? I'm wishing you all a bunch of luck.

I know you guys are going to be great successes going forward and I'm looking forward to hearing what you all do um you know after the show's over all right bye guys hey thanks thanks for uh letting us in your head over the years yeah yeah I guess that's a good question our general overall plans yeah I mean you know like right now I mean step one is I've you know I've got this job that I'm very excited and grateful to have so I'm going to kind of focus on that for a while.

You know, I want to do more writing. I have some stuff that I kind of want to maybe get going as like TV or movie projects. I want to do more stand-up. I want to do, you know, I want to kind of like now that, you know, I'm able to make a little bit more moves than I was before, kind of level up the kind of stuff I was doing, but still do stuff with the spirit of what I've always been doing. Yeah. So the answer is I don't know for sure, but I have ideas. And believe me, you'll know because I'll be desperately tweeting about trying to get someone to pay attention to them when I do them. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I'm the same boat. I got a lot of ideas. I'm going to do more podcasting. I'm working on getting that started now. So stay tuned for that. That'll be coming down the pipes pretty soon. Because I do like the podcasting.

I want to make funny videos. I kind of have a lot of ideas for stuff like that. I want to do some sort of, not documentary stuff, but just little sort of adventures with me. I have been kicking around for a while with maybe my grandma and stuff like that. So I got some shit I'm working on. Other than that, I just, you know, I want to tour more. I haven't been able to do much of that this year with the writing shit. But, yeah, I would desperately like to be in a CVS out of state somewhere again, you know, Googling shit.

Yeah, no, I mean, I have a lot of plans around is i i'm a i'm slightly overwhelmed right now but i here's what i do know is i'm going to be doing more stand-up than ever uh i will probably just do the schedule i don't have uh i'm not i'm not writing for a show so i i'm gonna hit the road until i don't have until i have zero money to do that and If there's no return investment, I plan on starting another comedy podcast. My new era, I'm going to have to fucking grind harder than I did with Mean Boys. And I plan on doing that, and I plan

on giving you guys plenty to listen to if you want to. But you've also got, you know, you've got the one thing you've got going before Mean Boys is you've got these people who have your back. Yeah, no, I know I do. And I know I do, and I appreciate them. And I look, if you, whatever horrible town you live in that no horse would want to wander to, I will ride that horse in. So go ahead and keep me updated. You heard Tom.

He'll force a horse to come to your town. Of course. I don't even do stand-up. I'm just escorting horses. No, he's riding a horse, but he's also holding it at gunpoint at the same time.

Oh, God. Horse snapper. Horstage. So, yeah, my reality is I don't know. I have some tentative ideas,

and I'm going to whatever I would do. Yeah, I'll figure it out. Hell yeah. Thank you. Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'm actually super late to the podcast And I'm on like the 68th episode And you guys are fucking calling it quits Nah, you gotta make another 100 episodes Fucking We did, you haven't listened to them yet Yeah, actually, never mind Yeah, actually, never mind.

Yeah, he's done. Sorry, go ahead. Oh, I'm just going to say, I really can't imagine how many listeners we have if people didn't start from the beginning. I'm like, I've got to figure out that didn't take many times over. Yeah, I was going to say, you can tell that he's still in the 68 kind of realm

because he wants the podcast to continue. I'm like, everyone else. He was like, I get why you're ending the show. Yeah, call us again at 180, chump. Yeah. Yeah, for real. You'll see the paint start to peel, don't worry. What up, mean boys?

Always wanted to call in. Fucking waited till last minute apparently just really hoping you guys be the new legion of snakes

but apparently not kind of disappointing love you guys anyway so yeah

guess that's it have a good one don't go dying or anything I mean fuck it what do I care now podcast is over fuck everything God is dead Sit. Have a good one. Don't go dying or anything.

I mean, fuck it. What do I care now? The podcast is over. Fuck everything. God is dead. Peace. Peace. It is probably more comforting to think that people probably just would never know if I just died after we do that. Right.

Yeah. No, just because the show's ending doesn't mean we won't be on Legion of Skaggs. I heard that Dave Smith left his spot in his will for me, so I'm going to go ahead and kill him to go ahead and join in on that podcast. I think at some point me and Zach Amico will be Freaky Friday to, I don't know, learn the true meaning of wrestling and Christmas or something. Yeah, and I feel like me and Luis J. Gomez would go after a similar type of woman. That's honestly very true. Afraid of you? No, I don't like that.

I mean, you know, like, afraid of them, really. I'm at work, bitch. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put that one in because I went back and found it. Fuck, I forgot about that. And I thought that'll be a fun surprise when that just shows up it was

yeah let's do it one more because i love it hey i uh actually uh what up mean boys always want to call in fucking wait i'm at work bitch yeah i'll be at work hey what's up, Mean Boys? This is Rene from Bronx, New York. Huge fan. I think this is a game called the Sun. Jumped on board around Skank Fest last year. Thought I'd share an interesting story. I was swiping on my Bumble account the other day, and I saw a real pretty girl

so I swiped right and before I swiped right I also happened to notice she was missing her right leg and you know I'm pretty much a fucking fat troll so I expected not to match with her one leg or two leg anyway then about an hour later

I get a notification that I've got a new match in my fumble. And it's all one legged there. So yeah. Anyway, wins next week. This is just a better version of the movie Shallow Hal. This is like Shallow Hal if it was believable.

Okay. Just because I've got to mark this one off my fucking checklist and yeah she marked a couple uh she was a uh semi-celebrity she was from india just moved here maybe about eight days ago and uh yeah i'm proud to say i drove that one all the way home. Wasn't the best sex, but, you know, it is what it is, especially with this. Get right out after. You've got to get parking spots. Fucker, I was waiting for it to end.

You've got to get what you can get. So, I don't know. That's pretty much it. Probably will work up some anecdotes on it later. But whatever for now. Fuck everything. God is dead. Later. Could she do the splits?

Well, she could do half. She could split one leg. It's still hard. The amputee shall how it's called. Come on, Eileen. Yeah. I know. Fucking not.

I love that your first one was like, hey, man, I'm driving to a brighter new future out in Denver. And now it's just like, fuck some lady with one leg. Yeah. Isn't that fucking weird? Yeah. I messed with a hopper on Bumble the other day. Yeah. Get a load of her ghost legs.

Well, thanks, man. I guess. Yeah. I don't really know. You're totally getting that. But it sounds like you had a funny time. I think we're going to start getting to the edge of the ones that were left right when we announced we're ending. Yeah.

There's going to start being fucking weird ones we just never got to. I know. It's going to be just like... This will actually turn into a good mailbag. I know. You guys maybe want to dump files and take a pee and smoke? I have to pee so bad. Yeah, let's pee, smoke, dump files, and then we'll get back to it.

Cool. All right. And we're back after the first of... I don't know. It's been seven days since we began this recording. We started ending the show a few years ago. This has been a pro. after the first of... It's been seven days since we began this recording. We started ending the show a few years ago. This has been a problem.

Anyway, welcome to episode one of Mean Boys 2. Mean Electric Boogaloo. Yeah. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith McSpadden. And we're gay married. Whoa!

Come on in here, sons. Goo goo ga ga. Opie Jr.'s doing well, I see. We named him Opie Jr. even though Opie's not his father. And he's super white. Yeah, no, he's the other Opie. And we don't spell it like white Opie. His name is Opie Emi.

Opie Emi McSpadden. Kerry Goss McSpadden. We hyphenated and we did it alphabetically to make it fair. If you ever have a kid, you've got to name him Opie Emi. That's the funniest thing you could do. It would be funny. Because nobody could really be mad at you. Why? Oh, because if Opie died, I could do it.

Yeah, if Opie dies. Then I'd have to be like, well, he was such a close friend. I had to attribute his life. And he always said he wanted to own a white child. So this was the closest. This is my son, Opey Emi Badawi Don Carlos Taco Shop.

Hey, mean boys. It's Bill from Florida. Currently up here in Ohio freezing my ass off and it made me think, what's the coldest place you guys have been to that comes to mind when you guys have been doing your shows? Anyways, thank you. Have a good one.

I mean, definitely the freezing class. We were out in the Midwest that one December. Yeah, mine was probably fucking Milwaukee. It was pretty brutal. Yeah, mine was, did he say on the road specifically? Or just the coldest you've experienced? What's the coldest place you've been? Yeah, probably either way.

Barnum. Barnum, Wisconsin. It was negative 20 at a point? Fuck my shit. Oh, my God. Without windchill? It was pretty bad. Jesus Christ.

It's amazing the circus came out of there, because I've got to figure out what to do for the elephants. Yeah, and we had Tom's old Prius skidding around in the ice, and we didn't have a scraper. We didn't really. Yeah, someone gave it. We stayed at a place in Joplin and then the guy we stayed with the next morning, he sees us trying to like

credit card it off. Credit card it off, I have my windshield wipers going and shit like that. And he's just like, you California boys are going to want to take this. He said California maybe 700 times.

It was like when the guy in the village sees you're going out in the forest in the video game. He's like, just take this fucking sword, idiot. Like, I don't know. It's dangerous to go stupid. Exactly. But also at night, because it's a desert here.

I don't think people realize that. So at night it would get cold and we didn't really have heating. And I was right by the fucking window. It was freezing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Pac-Pal winters were a motherfucker. Yeah.

Yeah. No insulation in that house? No insulation. No insulation. And my blanket was fucking, there was no, the comforter had no stuffing left in it. So it was just like. You were basically sleeping on a giant sock. Yeah. And your blanket was like a Mexican newspaper. Yeah.

Some socks were thicker than fucking the blankets. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, so we've been cold. Hey, mean boys. I'm the Pittsburgh lady called from a while back. Name's Maddie. Hey.

It's 544. I've been awake all night writing my paper that I have due at noon tomorrow. That will probably be mediocre, but it'll get turned in. And sometimes that's just what you have to do. I've been listening to your show all night and catching up, which has made this a lot more tolerable. But I was thinking, so if you, there's like three of you, right? So if you guys were the human centipede, then who would be the front? Who would be the middle?

And who would be the back? I mean, as the guy who's lazy and recycles the most ideas, I think I'm at the back. Yeah, that's all. I'm going to try to get this done, but I probably won't. But can't wait to hear who will be the front, middle, and back. I'm interested. Okay, bye. All right, so first of all, shout out to Maddie

because she did one of my favorite things in Mean Boys. Fan is done. Oh, yeah, that was really cool. Which is that we were on her graduation cap from college. Yeah. Which is insane as somebody who dropped out of high school to be like, oh, somebody else finished. Most involved I've really been with college. The closest I will ever be to a college graduation because my kids aren't going to be fucking winners.

I mean, I studied a little bit of freezing at community college. I got a sack. Yeah, iceberg. Yeah. Okay, so front, middle, back of the human. I'm in the back. I thought I would be in the back because I get cut off the most. I think you're in the middle because you get shit on the most.

Yeah, I think you're in the middle because you always get the worst deal. Yeah. I think it would behoove us for me to be in the front. Yeah, we can't have Keith in the front. Hear me out. If you were in the front, you're going to produce a lot of poop for us to eat, I guess. Number one, that is a genuine thing. I poop a lot. It means we'll live a little longer.

That's just the thing. You've got to think in terms of dollars and cents. I can fall asleep on his ass probably pretty easily. Number two, I don't know how. Look, maybe I can negotiate with the guy who turned us into a centipede. Maybe somebody shows up and I'm able to get a hold of him. You're the smoothest talker, so you having your mouth free is helpful. If anyone is going to be at the business end of a human centipede going, look, you seem like a reasonable man.

What can we do to fucking get us out of this situation? I mean, with some of the bank accounts drama you've dealt with, it's been a lot hairier than a human centipede talking out of. Yeah, 100%. So I've seen you do this i i think i'm in the front i do think uh i i think you want to be in the middle at that point because here's the thing i poop a lot but my poops are actually relatively reasonable you've seen connor's shit yeah connor connor is already shitting back at a human centipede shit as a normal guy. I mean, you seem like I'm trying to fuck you over here on this hypothetical. I would like to remind you that I will be eating your shit, which will be at a certain point made up 100% of Keith's shit.

So this is no picnic. Yeah. Yeah. I think, unfortunately, Tom, it does make the most sense for you to go in the middle. Now, you will poop in my mouth. That's got to be good. Yeah. I don't...

Well, I've had two kinds of soup now. Let's just say that. No, Tom makes a bell. You hear Tom shitting, you know, and it's like diarrhea. It's like, oh, well, Connor just tried his second flavor of soup. Weirdly, weirdly, I think Connor, if he's at the back, I think

in the current state, if I'm in the middle, I think you're the only one who lives out of this. Because Keith's going to eat the food. He's going to eventually die. I'm going to get tired. You've got problems with constipation. You could starve us to death. Oh, no, I'm going to be all right. I'm going to.

Here's what's going to happen. Nice try, guy that gets to eat food instead of poop. Looks like you might get bumped down the middle. Nah, hang on. Okay, wait. So Tom's going to be the negotiator? Look, I'm the best fighter. You are the best fighter.

You also need a good center of gravity. And you don't want me in the center. You're strong. You're an anchor. Yeah, that's not what you want in the center. That's what you do when you're making a vehicle. You put the heaviest part in the front. I guess you kind of do with the engine.

Engines are powerful, not like you. Yeah, or a truck. Here's what would happen if you're eating the food... I guess I'm thinking more it's a bad idea just for a centipede. You're going to... When I really break it down. Keith, you're going to get tired or you're going to get elbow asthma or whatever you said you're going to die from with your axe. Okay.

Then I'm going to... We talked about this way more than anybody whose friend died or anything. I don't know what I'm going to tell you. I can only hear we're sad the show's going away so many times. We're doing our best. I'm going to die from eating your shit. Connor's going to live because I think my body will clean out your shit more than it would

going into my body. You'll be like a Brita filter for Keith's food. I think I will. You'll be a filter. Oh, here's why I'm most not okay with being in the middle and not the back. I want to be clear. You're going in the middle. I don't like that I can't smoke.

You can't smoke. Oh. Hang on, though. You can't smoke in the back either. You can really only smoke in the front. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. Because what have I told you? You can smoke, kind of.

Number one. Through your nose? Yeah, that's what I was going to get to. Number one, if I'm smoking, that's going through us, too. Number two, I don't... Do you share a bloodstream? Okay, hang on. Walk me through what you think our life as a human centipede us, too. Number two. Do you share a bloodstream? Okay, hang on.

Walk me through what you think our life as a human centipede is, Tom. Like, where are we getting cigarettes? Well, first we wake up and go to work. Tom has to come here. This is the only way I can write for Spain. We put on a hilarious trench coat. Hello. I'm one tall man. Tom is supporting, I don't know, 400 pounds of idiot

I also have the strongest neck You have a very strong neck So, yeah And then we're buying cigarettes We're stopping by the liquor store On the way back to be a human Senate Yeah, and Keith's like, are you really going to card me, dude? I'm 12 feet tall

What smells, don't worry about it Yeah, and Keith's like, are you really going to card me, dude? I'm 12 feet tall. What smells, don't worry about it. I'm just like talking to the coach. Who wants ice cream? Because the doctor who does this, I haven't seen the movie. Does he know how to do a tracheotomy or whatever it is? Probably. I mean, they don't show him do a lot of other surgeries. He's like,

I gotta take a Pepto-Bismol because my legs are getting diarrhea. Getting it down to the second guy. I think that's fair, and this is why you want me up front. I think I can negotiate with him, like, look, we're gonna, whatever you need to do this for, whether it's a sex thing or a medical thing, we can do it. But give my friend in the middle a trach so he can smoke.

It's one of his few pleasures. He will be more cooperative as a patient and a subject. That way you can smoke, stay level-headed, we can work as a unit, we can get the fuck out of there. See, you know what's happening right now? He's always good at spinning these quick-talking ideas when he wants the better situation. He's trying to spin it with me, but you know what?

I don't think I'm a human centipede with you guys. I don't think it's a pick. I want to smoke. You don't get to leave this tribe, fuckface. Dude, we've been in a human centipede You want to know what happens if we're in a human centipede together? You can listen to all 215 episodes of it We tried it We were all in the middle

The menopede is detached Yeah, oh my god That's one of the best questions we've gotten in a long time Yep, that was a fun one Thanks, Matty Hey boys, it's the buffoon from the lagoon. Again, I'm going to change directions on the last few times.

Bring a little bit of levity into things. Now, uh, my girlfriend just told me that she's super afraid of werewolves. And I'm, you know, it just, I'm pretty much what you picture in your head.

Some sort of a werewolf face. Swarthy. Cause that's too kind. I'm just a what you picture in your head. Some sort of... A werewolf. ...face swarthy, because that's too kind. I'm just a chubby, fucking hairy dude in Florida with back hair who likes rim jobs. And she's scared of werewolves. She makes the joke, boys, that, you know, what was it? That I'm scared of werewolves and you tell me to look at you because you basically are one. She's scared of werewolves. And you like to hit it from behind.

And I like to bury my face in your ass. Hold on. Say it one more time. He's pretty much a werewolf and he likes to hit it from behind and I like to bury my face in his ass. So why should I be afraid of werewolves? Because that's how we say hello Anyway boys I hope that gives you a giggle Fuck everything, God is dead

Okay, wait I don't like that the buffoon is also a straight up Mac I didn't know that The answer is the buffoon from the lagoon Is the front of the human centipede It is so insane He just boom-howered a waitress I guess the answer is the buffoon from the lagoon is the front of the human centipede. Yeah. Wow. Number two, it is so insane. He just boom-howered a waitress into his fucking trailer.

Shortly after this voicemail, a man who self-identifies as the buffoon from the lagoon had his anus licked by a human consenting woman. Yeah. Who sounds like she's having an amazing time. Yeah, she sounds like she's in a good-ass mood. Yeah, that's great. That's great. Keep eating that werewolf asshole. I mean, this is like, I'm always inspired by ugly people having sex in the meme.

We don't even know if he's ugly. He's been a real source of inspiration. The whole voicemail is about how ugly he is. Yeah, but everyone who listens to the show thinks they're ugly. I don't actually think he's ugly or care. I see what you guys look like. About 65% of you are pretty all right. You know, yeah.

No, we did look. You guys are hot. But you know what I'm getting at. Weirdos, you know? Yeah, no, I'm just kidding. You see, like, two good-looking, like, put-together people holding hands. You go, oh, fuck you. You know, but you see a guy with a neck brace and, you know, a girl with one foot.

And you're like, oh, okay, got it. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Phil from Florida. Just got a quick question for you guys today. Here's what's great. We haven't cleared out the voicemail in a while, so now all those people we just heard give long, heartfelt things are now going back and leaving their dumb voicemails.

Yeah, yeah. Because we already heard from Phil from Florida. Hey, what keeps you guys moving when you're just all around exhausted? As an example, I haven't been home since early October, and for the looks of it, won't get back down south to the family until after New Year's. I'm an over-the-road truck driver. I'm behind the wheel 11 hours a day, fucking anywhere between 500 and 600 miles at a time.

So most of my day is podcast with heavy metal. But, you know, there's those quiet times when, you know, it's just, it gets draining. And, you know, all those thoughts start popping up. And what keeps you guys going? But anyways, fuck everything. God is dead. Keep up the good work.

I mean, yeah, sadly, relatable, not that funny question about the sort of, yeah, the white line nightmare. I always like that line in the uh the intro to the first mad max movie where he's talking about just driving around this wasteland that calls it a white line nightmare with just the lines coming at you from the horizon and dude yeah you think that's when you think the worst fucking thoughts in the world you know and that's when it's like when you don't have a podcast you ever been that like you know like that's it where you can't listen to music or whatever the fucking situation is and you're just like well it's just me in the the car for four hours yeah you know is uh is rough how do i keep it going i'm trying to think what i do because i mean i've been i've i've had to do

this every weekend for my whole adult life pretty much yeah i mean the thing that keeps me going a lot like and i've been kind of trying to figure that out because i've been getting exhausted with like a lot of the shit we've been doing it's sort of like you know and this is not necessarily a point to everybody but i feel very lucky to be getting exhausted by the life that i have like you know i get to do shit i like i'm happy with the direction i'm going so i think about sort of like okay all the times i was exhausted doing shit i hated to fuel a life i was having a miserable time living i uh i'm lucked i've lucked out in how I get to be why I'm exhausted now.

So I kind of use that as fuel. One thing that's good to do is just call an old friend and go catch up. I try to do that in those situations. It's always the kind of thing you wish you did more and it's kind of a good time to like, oh, I haven't talked to them in a while. Give them, you know. That's kind of helpful.

What was his question again? Just kind of like. If you had to be in a human centipede with a werewolf in a truck. Just out of the past the time when you're sad driving, you know, on the road. He's away from his family. Oh, jerk off. No, duh. Yeah, jerk it in that truck, dude.

Find an abandoned fire station and get to it, bro. Find an abandoned fire station, a photograph of us. Yeah. We're going to get a photograph of us. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to get a lot of those. Oh, I forgot you did that. Yeah, that'll be fun. I'll put some of them up in my house.

Yeah, we'll make a super cut. Hidden place, like inside of a drawer so when people come up. You have to pull out a candlestick to get to Connor's fucking jizz palace. I have a full one, like it's a map of Europe, like a World War II general.

Oh, fuck. The cops are here. Speak easy style. That's a great comedy. Scramble. Get the place in order. Push a button. Thing flips over.

There's fucking this lunchbox again. Sorry. I forgot to tell you. If you guys ever come up to the frozen fucking nuclear wasteland of North BC, Canada, let me know. I got some fucking room in my house. I'm a chef. I can make you some fucking food in my restaurant.

Yeah. So that's that. Thanks again. I know Tom, if he's driving, I'm not sure if he can drive this far or if he can drive at all. But he's going to have to probably go through my city to get to the Yukon. So send me a private message on Lunchbox on Discord. Lunchbox on Discord. I want to remind you, thanks, Keith, for coming on Discord and chatting with me.

Yeah, man. You really made my fucking day. I didn't get as drunk as I normally do that day. So, you know, you saved me from getting bitched out by my wife. All right. Thanks again. Bye. Bye.

Yeah, thanks, man. Yeah, you know what's funny is sometimes I think people will listen to episodes and they'll hear our plugs and then they'll forget we recorded them like a year or two years ago because there was someone who hit me up like a couple months ago and was like, you're coming to Miami. I can't wait for you to come to Miami. And I was like I don't know what you're talking about. And he was like what the fuck is

Miami, Oklahoma? I'm like what? One that was a year ago. One that was a year ago too. Two, it wasn't very fun. Okay, I got a question for you guys that you guys might be able to figure it out. It's about faking it till you make it. So I ended up in a career which I kind of, I didn't say I lied myself to get into,

but I'm very, very unequivocal. I've been faking it very well, like successfully well, like where it's in the social work field and I'm starting to get positive attention from like the county level and the state level and all those things. So I'm like, what I'm doing is a good job. But at some point, I feel like I'm going to come crashing down. So I'm thinking like, maybe you guys would know how to fucking fake this shit till you make it

and get to a position where I don't have to be accountable to anyone alright well fuck everything God is answer there's a great Eddie Izzard show about this my mom and I used to watch called The Riches where some rich guy died and he saw it on the road and he just pretended to be him and lived in his house

and like hid his body and shit that's funny yeah I mean look I empathize a lot because i'm a professional writer and i don't fucking i don't know anything about writing the only thing i've ever read about writing is that one stephen king book uh i i don't my grammar is shit i don't really technically know how to do a lot of things i don't know like the way it should go i barely read i don't fuck i read tweets like i don't i'm not like very educated so i mean i think like the thing with anything success in general is just kind of be a person that people like being around

you know make people happy and then you know just do your best i also think too like you know kind of going to connor's thing and sort of i have this too it's like you kind of get stuck in this loop of like oh well i don't actually know how to do this and like i'm just faking it but they're going to figure out i'm faking it but you're doing it yeah you have the job and you're riding the bike in a way that the people who you you have to satisfy are satisfied no there is no knighting ceremony where you're told congratulations you're officially good at the thing that you do. You just fucking do it.

Yeah. You know, and that sort of imposter syndrome thing, I think, stays with you a little bit forever. I think a lot of people have that. I mean, it's hilarious you lied your way into this job. And I don't know how technically that could come back to haunt you, I'm sure, in many ways and cross your T's and dot your I's. Yeah, but whatever you do, don't leave a voicemail on about it.

Yeah, well, just fucking be chill and act confident. You can kind of do it, like walk into whatever. You know, like the thing you're doing, just keep doing that. Like I wrote this award show more or less by myself, and I didn't fucking know how any of the production stuff worked, like how to script format and all that shit, boring shit. And I just sort of like looked at it. You seem like a pretty smart guy.

Just like you'll figure it out. You'll cross that bridge when you come to it. I'm confident you'll be fine. You seem like a pretty smart guy. You'll figure it out. You'll cross that bridge when you come to it. I'm confident you'll be fine. You sound like a charming piece of shit. Tom, anything to add on that one? No, just do what you do 100%. Hey, me and boys, I hope you can hear this. I'm on a hands-free, so this is kind of weird.

I can never get any positive feedback on this. I'm on a hands-free, so this is kind of weird. I can never get any positive feedback. I thought you said a ham radio. But on the latest episode, you just gave somebody some anti-suicide advice where you were saying, basically, don't worry about getting better or getting worse. Things get better. No, they don't always get better. But you said things get better. Don't worry about that. Get interested.

And I just wanted to chime in here um i've been suicidal my entire life and i've gone back and forth with really really close calls and you know it's uh ironically it was actually death metal that saved my life a thousand times i'm a musician, multi-instrumental, but I've toured around the country, I've put out several records, I've been on TV, I've been on the radio, I've done all the shit. And

it was getting deep into that that saved me every time. Because not only do you have to get out and meet other people and deal with other people, and sometimes you find some cool ones that it's actually kind of fun, you know, sometimes. But also, it's like in your darkest hour,

and of course there's a Megadeth song about that, In My Darkest Hour. But, you know, in your darkest hour, it's like turn to your favorite band and they can give you that charge of energy. And there's sometimes where literally all i want to do is just drink a beer listen to cannibal corpse all night and then just you know wait for the next day and you know and then when i got bored with music you know not to go on too long but then when i got bored with music i got into uh uh scuba diving and underwater photography. Of course.

And managed to become a pretty decent photographer. Because you wanted your Bumble profile to read like a joke? I'm just a run-of-the-mill death metal scuba diver. Yeah, you know. This is my new song, Hammer Smashed Fish. I'm really into gore and jellyfish. Yeah, you know, I like cannibal corpse,

octopuses. My new album, Evisceration of the Porpoise is coming out next week. I toot my own horn, but became, you know, an internationally award winning shark photographer

and National Geographic sent me to the Galapagos. Shut the fuck up. Fuck, man. I wish there wasn't so much pressure on this episode because I'd love to call it shark photographer. Award winning shark photographer.

Did you get a sharky? What do you get? You know, is there an academy? What's the group? Who was second place in outstanding achievement in taking pictures of sharks? I know. There's some guy with a bronze shark on his fridge. Let's not take anything away from the entire school of voters voted for him.

The point is not that, hey, I'm cool. The point is, like, shit can happen if you give it a try. And so that's the advice I want to give to any people who are in their darkest moments now is like you guys were saying on your, your little bit of advice is give shit a try and things happen, weird things happen and sometimes really cool things happen. So that's it. You know, fuck everything. God is dead, but you know, sometimes shit's cool. All right. cheers. Now, that's the end of that one. I think the next one is from him, too, so let's just check it really quick. Hey, Mean Boys, following on to my message that I just left

about the anti-suicide of just finding interesting things, I did want to just add really quick, if you have a P.O. box or just mailing address uh where fans can send you shit uh i'd love that i'd love to send you guys some shit not actual shit but you know just some shit so that would rock thank you so much and uh yeah bye yeah so um yeah anyone want to say anything on what he said earlier uh yeah he doesn't know the show's ending yet. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, I mean, if you can't transfer your attention to something,

you will go with the attention and viciousness of someone who is avoiding the fact they want to die. So you will get some product. You'll get some shit done. Yeah, and he does a great thing you have a great thing about just like embracing being distracted at times yeah sometimes it's okay smart yeah just kind of lean into you know anything but living in your head and just going through the same loop you know whether it's something that you love or something that is dumb but makes you happy for 10 minutes like you know it's finding something

to just kind of lean in on i mean i look and these are all it's all like hypotheticals and whatever in your head but there's been countless times where i've just been like dude i fucking you know i can negotiate myself to a place of very deep-seated cynicism and negativity where it's just really you know even thinking about my family or anything i'm like i don't know they'll be fine but even in those moments i would go i do want to see what Kanye does next. I mean, he surprises me every time. I'm pretty curious. I mean, it would suck to know that there's more coming

out while I was, you know. So, whatever. You know, if it's still a shit like that. If you died and didn't get to see the weird magaloop that fucking Kanye took. I know, yeah. You'd be so disappointed. That was a great arc. The Jesus thing is fucking, I haven't even really processed that yet. It's shaping up nicely.

Oh, there's a lot going on. So, exactly. Hang out and see what Kanye does. Find your Kanye. Yeah. Would anyone be willing to take the bet that Kanye will end up in space before he does? Oh, fuck. He's going to be in space by the end of next year.

Yeah. Yeah, I think he's on the first SpaceX rocket. No question. He won't stop talking about his business shit now. And he's into all those guys. He really fetishizes

the cool CEO guy, kind of. I'm sure he's asked about it. He definitely sent Elon Musk many unrequited emails about... Yeah. Hop in the rocket. You're sent Elon Musk many unrequited emails about. Yeah. Hop in the rocket. You're right. Kanye is going to go to space.

Kanye will go to space. For sure. And he's going to do something that doesn't make sense. He's going to do a show for five people in space. And it's going to be the best, most beautiful performance we've ever seen. I need to bring like a glass elephant or something because he was really into those that week. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that. Yeah. I need he was really into those that week. Okay. Yeah, makes sense.

You know what I mean? Like that. Yeah. I need to put that on the betting website Ramsey was talking about that Kanye will end up in space. Oh, yeah. There was one back in the day before everything had a page on another website. Shit had its own website. Right.

If you could find someone to take your bet they would take it right you know so you could put up like I want to bet 500 bucks and someone would go fuck it I'll got you on that you know and you would like just deposit it

and then have it in escrow but yeah that was kind of cool maybe that's still around anyway what's up mean boys this is Big Mother Trucker calling in from the big shitty

Minton State again this message is mostly from my man Tom Gott Tom I just want you to know I've listened to every episode of calling in from the big, shitty Mitten State again. This message is mostly from my man, Tom Goss. Tom, I just want you to know I've listened to every episode of Mean Boys, Patreon and regular episodes, all the way back to the beginning. And my friend that got me into the show specifically told me, like, when I started listening,

hey, if you don't listen to anything else, pick out the episodes that feature Tom Goss. And I got to tell you, from the lightning round where you started yelling colors when they asked for Muppets, all the way up to hearing you start your own show and branching out and hearing you kind of finding your own voice, it's been really awesome. You're doing such a great job, man. You're killing it. Also, I just want you to know I like to offer my services. If you ever want to interview a man who is currently trying to claw his way out of his own personal tribe of men who are too fat to see their own dick, please let me know because I can be interviewed extensively on that topic. Also, to Connor McFadden, calling back to the time that I started listening on SoundCloud, back then SoundCloud had the picture of all three of you guys holding sparklers.

And when I started, I thought that that was the original three, Joe, Keith, and Connor. And while this proves that I'm an idiot and could have just read the names on the picture, it also proves that Connor, you look as gay as Joe Dosh sounds. Just wonderful. Thank you guys for being awesome. Hope you're having a good week.

Love all three of you. Fuck everything. God is dead. Damn, great burn from Big Mother Trucker. Damn, Mother Trucker came in hot. Yeah, thank you, Mother Trucker. I appreciate it.er came in hot. Yeah, thank you, Mother Trucker. I appreciate it. You came in all good morning Vietnam on us. Yeah, good morning my dick I can see now. I do get that.

I mean, like being around fat guys. I mean, I think we all had it with smoking. You know, we like to live together. You guys still. But, yeah, it's tough when you're around all that shit. Yeah, by the way, you know, one fat man to another, respect that you're trying to fucking get out of the trap, dude. Yeah, dude, fight the power.

Hey, Mean Boys. This is Andrew, Death Radio on Twitter. Oh, what's up? I just wanted to ask because I have a... I'm doing an open mic here in Portland tomorrow

and I'm a little nervous. This was eight months ago. I wanted to ask the Mean Boys, each of you specifically does, to get psyched up for a show if you're nervous or anything like that. I don't really have any techniques, so I was wondering if you guys might have something

or any fun stories about being nervous for a show. Anyways, just wanted to give you guys a call. Thanks for all the stuff you do. Love the show. Love all the YouTube videos. I can't wait for Tom to throw up some more tour videos. It's probably my favorite content on YouTube. Bad news.

Bad news. Bye-bye. Well, I love Death Radio. This is the guy with the shirt and his girlfriend. Yeah, I love this dude. Yeah, this guy's fucking awesome. Yeah, hopefully he kept doing stand-up. Yeah, hopefully.

And, like, for the nervous stuff, I mean, I used to have all kinds of weird rituals. I would look in the mirror before I went up, and I'd say, like, I got... I think someone told me something about affirmations or something. I don't remember what the fuck it was, but I would just say, I got this ten times, you know, and kind of, like, calm down. Interesting. I would, like, yeah, I would just, like, write out all the punchlines of my set and do that multiple times. You know, I always listen to dumb rap music that's kind of aggressive and gets me amped

up. But yeah, I don't really anymore have, you know, just look at my notes or whatever I wanted to do anyway. Yeah, I don't really get nervous going on stage for the most part now. It's incredibly rare. Sometimes I'll like be in, like, not nervous, but I'll see like, oh, this is going to suck. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like every once in a while you just see a room where you're like, I know. I feel dread. Yeah, I think that's the term more than nervous. But yeah, I'm just kind of, you know, I just chain smoke and fucking listen to dumb music. Oh, you know, someone gave me some good advice, and this is probably good for other stuff, too. It's like when you're trying to be chill, I guess they've done a lot of studies that like trying to calm down kind of makes it worse so just sort of like letting yourself be amped up and yeah just like like what like i would like you'd have a like if i had a big show that was a lot of pressure like that was a good thing to remember

like oh yeah just like enjoy the novelty of your performing in this big theater or whatever it is you know yeah like when i did the album sorry i didn't mean to cut you off no when i did like the albums both times, I had a lot of anxiety kind of going into those, and I just willfully remember, especially on the second one, being like, I'm going to turn this anxiety into energy that I can use on stage.

Anxiety is energy. Yeah. And you fucking don't fight it. You use it. Which is why the most anxious mean boy should be in the front of the centipede. I do want to throw out that one of my favorite rituals. No, you want the energy in the back.

That's how four-wheel drive works. We're not going to a Tough Mudder when we're all sewed together by the butthole. It's going to be a real Tough Mudder when you're in. The Tough Mudder was the original name of the human centipede. Please, Tom is trying to make a point. We can talk about this. The Tough Butt Mudter has the floor. Oh, no. Just for a ritual that no one else does but me

and will not work for you, I remember... I guarantee that's true. Yeah. I remember in Fresno when I started playing Bukowski poetry on the way to the venue with Keith. Oh, yeah. I was so annoyed. Keith just got...

Which I do do that sometimes. Sometimes I'll listen to something super serious because then I also feel like, okay, time to relieve the tension. Yeah. But yeah, that's more just a hilarious fact

than it is advice. Yeah, Keith was so, you were so annoyed. Well, I was just like trying to get jacked up for the show. You were trying to get. I was tired and I wanted to fucking get,

and I'm like, this is not getting me crunk at all, dude. I know. Yeah, Keith wanted to listen to Margaritaville and smoke and laugh and Tom was just... The Bukowski poetry. The birds are just fire of the fucking drunk lady I fucked. Hey, Mean Boys. It's Rene in New York.

Again. I have a random question for you. Do you guys ever have to be put in witness protection, you know, fucking keep snitched on the dog or I don't know, whatever. But if you had to be put in witness protection, where would you want to be placed? You know, do you want to go tropical? Would you want to go middle of nowhere? Yeah, curious what your answer would be.

That's a good question. I haven't heard that hypothetical question before. Can I just make a point real quick? We're listing these in reverse order. So it was the voicemail before this he was telling us about. I had to suddenly move to Denver. Whoa, interesting. Yeah, and there was also.

This guy also fucked a lady with one leg earlier. Oh, damn. So he killed that lady and she was in the mob. fucked a lady With one leg earlier Oh damn So he killed that lady And she was in the mob And now he has to go to Denver Wow I'm glad those two voicemails Happen to make it in here Yeah if anyone asks

My name is Mario Vespucci And you haven't seen me Yeah Damn witness protection What would suck about that Is you couldn't really do comedy You wouldn't be able to I mean

Immediately what I think I would try to do Is try to start some kind of Podcast where I modulate that is you couldn't really do comedy you wouldn't be able to i mean i what i immediately what i think i would try to do is try to start some kind of podcast podcast where i modulate my voice and face i guess you know so i could at least do that or do something creative i mean i guess i'd have to like just you know be a writer so i and i guess i wouldn't be able to stay in la obviously if i had any witness protection so i'd probably have to write books or something. I don't know what the fuck I'd do. I guess I'd, I don't know, some, Seattle was nice, I guess. Yeah, I probably, you know, I got to figure if I'm in witness protection, the entertainment industry is over. I'm probably going to have to find something else to do and just be creative on my own time. Like someplace big enough that bands come there and I could go to stuff.

Yeah, honestly, Seattle's cool. stuff. Yeah. I like Seattle. Seattle's cool. I like Chicago. I like Chicago. I would consider it Chicago, maybe. I don't think you can go to a city if you're in Witness Protection. Oh, you got to go to, like, a country? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you got to be in a non-city.

Okay. Maybe I go to, like, sort of the outskirts of Nashville. Then I go live with Keith's dad. Like the outskirts of Nashville, kind of, because I like Tennessee. And I like being close to a city I could get to. People will immediately assume you're from there. Yeah, exactly. You'll fit in.

I'm one oversized flannel shirt away from being the mayor of Butt-Fuckington. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like, I mean, I'd love to escape to maybe like a small beach town or somewhere. Like someplace past Santa Barbara, like a little one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or somewhere with just like, just forests. Let's go to like Fiji or some shit. They won't pay for you to go to Fiji. They'll pay for you to go wherever you want. It's the Witness Protection Program. That's not how that works.

I know. It does in this made up version. Could you kill my dad? I'm trying to go to Fiji. They'll pay for you to go wherever you want. It's the Witness Protection Program. That's not how that works. I know. It does in this made-up version. Sure, sure. Could you kill my dad? I'm trying to go to Tahiti. Dad's name is Will Carter. Bermuda. Bahamas.

Come on, kill my mama. I know. Well, that's a bit I'm calling untested life hacks. Okay, someone go try that. Wife hacks. Hey, Mean Boys. I wanted to call you and tell you a crazy story. Like a lot of Mean Boys fans, I work in a kind of sad job in an assisted living home.

And I wanted to make sure this story was true before telling it. We had a resident move in a while ago who was a little cop and had some, like, PTSD or whatever, for sure. Definitely seen some stuff. Like, not quite there. Like, I've heard him talk about other residents in, like, plumbing vans and things around the building. Like, they're following him. But, yeah, we had a resident who had to go to the hospital for a head injury. And it worked out that it was this resident who had to go to the hospital for a head injury and worked out that it was this resident

who had hit him. This story isn't quite working out the way I meant for it to. I think I'm going to think about this and call you guys back. Don't play this one. Bye. Take two. I love when people get nervous halfway through the phone call because it just reminds me of me when I was

a teenager. Hello, Dr. Drew. I have a question about my boner. I know I did all that shit, man. I called, one time I called into, fucking,

my buddy was really into, what's the, like the worst, Tom Likas. Oh, yeah. My buddy's a big Tom Likas fan and he was trying to get me to listen to him.

And I don't know, I was like, it's similar to have with like Carolla, right? Like I like him a lot as a broadcaster. He's a very capable broadcaster and I don't like a lot of similar to what I have with Carolla. I like him a lot as a broadcaster. He's a very capable broadcaster. I don't like a lot of his opinions or whatever.

But anyway, he had Greg Fitzsimmons on, and I started listening to his podcast. I think I just started kind of doing comedy. And I called him to ask him for advice when I was all sick. I had the flesh-eating disease and stuff. And I started, like, I was just like, I don't know. I'm a loser. I live with my mom. I'm directionless.

I'm trying to be a comedian. Let me see if I can get some general guidance. And I started just laying down the facts of my life, trying to do it quickly and efficiently. I didn't want to waste their time. And as I just started going through it, they're like, all right, this is a prank. This guy doesn't have a flushing disease. He got from a girl with a tumor on her head. Bullshit.

Nice try, buddy. Have you told Greg about that? I think I did. Yeah. No, I did one time. That's pretty funny. Yeah, so, I mean, I always relate to that. Hey, Mean Boys, it's Blazit Pascal calling in again just to let Connor know that we don't come up with these nicknames because we think we're important.

We do it to protect your anonymity and so we can still have access to polite society, you dumb shit. Fuck everything. God is dead. There's your witness protection program right there. Just call yourself Short Buzz Murphy. Hey, it's-a me, Alfredo from Laredo. Oh, yeah, that'd be a fun one. That's the Italian guy from Texas, Alfredo from Laredo.

Oh, hey, it's Joel Filth calling in. That's an easy one. Look, it's a dead name, but it was a comedy choice. I hope it's all right. Who else could we do? I'm regular bus. I'm Bernard. Ryan, pepper jack cheese

instead of Colby. Oh, wait, I said mine in it. Fuck. Bye. Don't play this one. Tom's not feeling this bit. Hey, boys, it's the buffoon. I know it's been a while. It has not been a while.

Damn, dude, how do we miss all these buffoons? Dude, I'm fucking annoyed. And he cannot believe that John DiMaggio, legend walking there, voice of Jake from Adventure Time, who is, you know, that's one of the things that me and him have bonded over was our love of the show.

Real crap shoot with the buffoon. Sometimes it's hurricane relief, sometimes a white trash story, sometimes he's just doing pillow talk and macking ladies. Now he's reading John DiMaggio's Wikipedia. This guy has got rage. We talk to him for an hour because we kind of know him and now he's learning to love your show yes so i had to show him that i've been on the same

podcast that wait is he fucking john gamagio oh he's talking to a friend he didn't actually meet him he was oh okay yeah yeah i think yeah let's let's listen i don't know how you guys have still picked up your dicks after that one but i want this idiot who told me that i would not call me i want to prove him wrong so boys if don't mind, edit this as much as you have to. But this fucker's going to talk to you. And I want you to embarrass him in front of God and everybody. Roast the fuck out of my nephew. Andrew?

What do I do? You talk on the phone, dumbass. I don't know. What the fuck, man? Oh, you just say things, Dickhead. What do you mean? You said that I wouldn't make this call. You do it. Yeah, because I didn't know. What am I talking about? Oh, you just say things, you can't... What do you mean things? You said that I wouldn't make this call. You do it.

Yeah, because I didn't think you did. Okay, now this sounds like I'm going to murder you in the basement. You're in Florida. I don't have a basement. Tom, on the phone. Just say hi. Oh, hi. I think Tom has to wear a helmet to collect your money.

Well, Tom, do you have to wear a helmet that's like mine? Okay, no Guys, I never thought I'd say this You ever seen that movie, Nothing But Trouble? I'm pretty sure he's a little devil Or maybe the other one Oh, God He's like the bad Harley brother Anyway, boys, love everything that you do.

Keep up the good work. Fuck everything. God is dead. All right. Here's what I love about that. You're like, man, I'm going to put my cousin on here. You're going to roast the fuck out of him. Really, give him the business.

And then it was like, hi. Yeah. It's like, what do you want to do with that? Say letters much, faggot? Like, what do you want me to do? Well, I'll tell you this. He's got a lot of personality, your nephew. Yeah, well, the way to go, buffoon.

I look forward to more diminishing returns deeper in this mailbag. Yeah, I can't wait for your banana bread recipe from May. You know what's good, Maine boys? This is Rich calling from Buffalo, New York. Just wanted to know what's the sketchiest thing you ever had to do to fill one of your voices? I heard that story where God had to buy the vape juice from a fucking homeless person just to get a nicotine fix. You know, whatever your voice is, be it nicotine or drugs or pussy, what's the sketchiest thing you ever had to do to, you know, go get a bar yourself?

Thanks, boys. Fuck everything God has said. Damn, that's an interesting question. Borrowed a buck from a homeless guy once to buy a cigarette. Ha ha boys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Damn, that's an interesting question. Borrowed a buck from a homeless guy who wants to buy a cigarette. Ha ha, that's funny. Yeah. I ripped off, I mean, I've talked about this before, but I ripped off all the liquor stores in my neighborhood, basically.

Yeah, you had a tab. I'd be like, hey, can I just get you tomorrow for the cigarettes? Then I'd go to the next one, so I'd buy myself five days to pay off the first one. Never had to, like, suck a dick for smokes or nothing. You know, I used to hook up with a girl that lived in Santa Monica. That was pretty crazy. I mean, getting out there for, like, 30, 45 minutes sometimes.

Yeah. I fucked a chick for a while that I didn't like fucking because she usually would get pizza and have money for food. That's the thing I did for a minute. I love you, man. I'm just living real, dude. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I get, for me, it's mostly, I guess, sex.

So I talk about stuff I didn't care about. I don't know. I mean, nothing's jumping out at me. It was a great one. Yeah, you got one? I can't, I mean, I can't really top buying vape juice from a homeless man. That's true, you do have half a can of it. That's one of the funniest things you ever did, man.

Yeah, I don't know how I would possibly be able to top that. I think if I top that, I'd die. I think... It wasn't vape juice. There's no way that was vape juice. That was Windex and, like, Karo syrup. Yeah, you smoked the stuff

they clean a whiteboard with in a kindergarten. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, Mean Boys, this is Mike. I called a little while back. I'm the Ninja Warrior's wife's hand open. That's right. Oh, damn.

Yeah, so my ex and I had gone to a witchcraft museum up in Ohio. Fucking sure. A little kind of like hole in the wall thing. It was kind of cool but in that museum they had this little box and the little box had all this metal wire wrapped around it and looked kind of medieval-ish

but you read the description of it and apparently some old witch or wizard had captured a demon and had put it inside this box. And I thought that was really cool because I was like, oh, shit, that is the original Pokeball. Like, that is a wizard going and capturing a spirit or a being and stealing it inside of a little container. Yeah. So I was wondering, if you guys were going to take some dead person's soul and capture it into a Pokeball and use it to fight with, who would you choose?

I mean, you've got some good options like Genghis Khan. That's kind of like the rapey Karnak of history. But then you also have like Ralphiephie may and that's kind of more of a snorlaxy vibe so i was curious what uh yeah what spirit pokemon would you guys use i'll tell you right now not ralphie may yep it's a heavy pokeball yeah you know that's that's a rough one yeah that's a fucking that's a poke bowling ball Yeah, that's a fucking, that's a poke-a-bowling ball. Yeah, I mean, Ash actually let Onyx go because his back started to hurt. It's kind of a fun fact. Yeah, that's also, by the way, a pretty big plot point of the show.

Yu-Gi-Oh! is trapping people's souls inside of objects. Oh, no shit. Might be worth your time. And Harry Potter. Yeah, for some reason, my gut just goes to revive the people you'd want to. I mean, I guess Jesus. That's kind of OP. But he's talking about you.

That's like having Mewtwo. For a fight? Jesus won't fight. Yeah, Jesus is kind of a bitch about fighting. Well, he'll make the other people not want to fight with his message. The only time Jesus ever freaked out is when they tried to give people change at church or whatever. Yeah, look, I'm going to go ahead and jump on the grenade here. I'm going to get that Roman centurion who killed Jesus.

The fucking God killer. If you kill the prince of light, then he can take out anybody. Well, that guy's job was just to walk the people from the prison to the crucifix. He's probably like some senator's nephew. He's probably a really bad centurion. He might not be the best fighter. I mean, presumably you want to pick somebody with like a proven they know how to get

shit done kill count, right? Oh, Hulk Hogan. So I'm going Steven Paddock. Oh. The guy who shot up the Mandalay Bay. Top score in America's pastime. No, I get the Sandy Hook kids and I say, I dare you to do it again. And I run away.

No, you can't. Look at her face. She's freaked out to do it again. And I run away. No, you can look at her face. She's just freaked out. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I haven't let her out of the ball in like six months. She's got a mustache. We're doing our own Hunger Games. I'm getting Steven Paddock.

You're getting the Sandy Hook kids. We're renting an island and we're going to see how it shakes out. Yeah. I have like three of them. Jesus Centurion is reffing it. I have three of them and they go underground like Doug Trio. They kind of come with each other. They're small.

I think it's fair. Maybe Marilyn Manson. He's alive. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Marilyn Monroe. She's... Oh, Marilyn Monroe.

I think the kids could take her. I think Tom figured out what Pokemon he wants to fuck. You put them both out. One's for the distraction, and the other one's for the stabbing. Oh, you're doing a Bugs Bunny scenario, like? Yeah, boys. I gotcha, I gotcha. All right, I'm with that.

Cool. Hey, Mean Boys, this is Jeff Day here in Virginia. I just wanted to call and tell you guys a quick story back from when I was a kid. I know you guys have talked about the band GWAR a couple times. GWAR. Well, Danielle Stamps, who is Lymestra Hymena in the band, was my babysitter growing up. Shut the fuck up. And I would just say one of my parents may have been their hookup for some stuff they like to do.

So they would frequently come over to the house. I knew those guys they're all great so one morning at like 4 a.m. I remember waking up I'm probably five years old and I come downstairs and they apparently were there fresh out of a show so fucking six-year-old me comes down the stairs and I look into my living room and there's fucking real goddamn monsters sitting in my house talking to my parents. And I immediately flip the fuck out. And Danielle decides that she's going to take her shit off and be like, hey, it's me. It's okay. And that did not help. It made things ten times worse because now my babysitter is a fucking monster.

And I had nightmares for like four years after that. But I figured you guys would get a kick out of that. Y'all have a great day. Thanks for the podcast. It's fucking great. Come see us here in Virginia. And fuck everything. God is dead.

We really have no female listeners. Fucking great. Come see us here in Virginia. And fuck everything. God is dead. Thanks. We really have no female listeners. Dude, that fucking, that rule is real. No six-year-old should have to deal with fucking odorous running around his house. Well, I'm also thinking, like, if you're a drug dealer and you're tweaking all night, the last thing I want is monsters coming in and out.

Yeah, guar is a heavy thing to deal with. I never had a fucking battle orc Kramer his way into my place and start helping himself to a bowl of cereal. Yeah. Hey, hopefully I'm doing this right. I've always wondered what it's like to leave a voicemail. And it is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. So I'm just going to leave this voicemail so I can get made fun of on the podcast. This podcast, I mean

I know you guys don't welcome sincerity but I just want to say that this podcast does really help me out because I'm dealing with like suicidal ideation. That's just like the pussy version of being suicidal where you think about it a lot, but you're not going to actually do it. And, I mean, I don't know. Just because I know, I think I listen to this podcast too much because I, like, hate rich people now.

Because I live with my parents, which is like in the gate. So she now hates the podcast. That's the most millennial sentence I've ever heard. I listen to your podcast too much. Now I hate the rich. I know. I mean, it makes me happy. You should.

This community and there were like a bunch of burglaries happening. And I should have been more concerned than I was. Like not saying I loved it or anything but I was just like you know what because it was like okay apparently it was just like backyard stuff and I'm like what do they even have in their backyards like I mean not essential stuff um this is a really mean thing to say but of all places that this podcast is probably like the best place to be that mean um anyways my parents are like freaked out about it i'm like you know what that's that's showbiz like sometimes the engaged community has time and that i already used the phrase that's showbiz. I don't have another phrase to use. It's like 4 something a.m.

It's 9 here, but it's also 4 a.m. since you've been talking. I don't know. Sorry, I'm tired. And I just wanted to say this. I do listen to the podcast when I get, like, suicidal. I'm not saying it, like, stops it, but it like kind of distracts me because it's like super funny and stuff. Sometimes I laugh really hard and I just want to say that I appreciate you and I am going to regret this. I'm so excited to regret this. But, I mean, I literally got, like, a tattoo of a pretentious book on my hip.

So I'll regret that more. I just love regrets, man. Regrets are tight. Oh, man. I just snorted on this soy sale. Not good. We know this girl, and she always just had her first wine cooler. I just snorted on this soy sale. Not good. We know this girl, and she always just had her first wine cooler.

Thanks for doing it. Fuck everything, God is dead. That might be the funniest fan. Fuck everything, God is dead. Well, yeah, sorry about your suicidal ideation. Yeah. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.

Yeah. Another good move is to be too busy to kill yourself. Yeah. You know? And then you sort of look up and you're like, no, I'm just living life. Yeah. So dedicate some time to writing a dissertation about what that story was about. And then you're start with that.

After those five years are over. No, I'm fucking with this person because I know who it is. Yeah, thank you, of course, for all the kind words. And as always, I'm glad that the show can cheer you up and pass the time. You're a good egg. Hey, Mean Boys, it's the Bafoo. I'm making the rare sober call today. I just wanted to ask you guys,

it seems like the last six months or so of my life have just been fucking gypsy cursed. I got a wreck two nights ago, three nights ago, something like that. Does it say when this was up? Let's see. July 22nd. Okay. Three 22nd.

Okay. Three nights ago. And I somehow didn't, like, break any windows or anything on my car. Like, you know, just mostly a lot of bad dents. I'm still pretty shook up about it and shit. I mean, just everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. I've had pneumonia. I got gout.

Like, what the fuck is that? Oh, no, this is buffooner. Do you guys, have you ever had this sort of, like, just stretch of bad luck when you're trying to do everything right? And if you have, you know, what really helps you get through it, I guess? That's the baseline question. Anyway, I hope you guys are doing all right. You know, fucking, you know, lots of love and shout out to everybody on Discord and just listeners in general.

Hope you fellas are doing okay. Tom, it's been a while since they've mentioned the cage, but you might want to keep an eye out for that. All right, you boys have a great day bye that's like an oil check for a check cage remember stay vigilant i don't you know what's cool about this sorry i don't mean to cut you off but i just want to mention this so it's i i get that like when you're having that stretch of bad luck it's like almost impossible to like you know back up and see like that it could possibly end or get better. But you've been listening to your own life story in reverse on your phone. And here's what I know is that two clicks away from what you're saying right now

where you're at the end of your rope, you're getting your ass eaten by a kind lady. Yeah, that's a good point. It works out pretty okay for you, my dude. And a click after that, you find out the show ends. That's okay, too. The fucking lagoon is strong, dude. I think we've all had a run of, a stretch of bad luck trying to do the right thing.

I mean, I've talked about it a million times with the whole fucking, yeah, the whole flesh-eating disease thing and all that stuff and the strap-on and mono. But yeah, I mean, like, yeah, I was just unbelievably low, I remember, starting the new year. Like, just, like, no money Just like no money, college grades bad, no comedy, no fucking job, no friend. And I just focused everything on comedy. So, I mean, just find something positive in your life and get obsessed about it.

And, you know, try to go, you know, just dig into it and try to find some satisfaction. Go as hard as you can at it. And some, you know, try to get some, try to squeeze as many fucking warm feelings as you can out of this rotten apple. Yeah. If you can't win, you can usually find a way to at least have some fun while you fucking wait to win. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You can lose fun. Like when you're playing a video game and you go, I'm just going to hide in the really annoying place where you've got to get me with a grenade.

Exactly. Just do that to the government, God, or whatever. Troll them. Yeah, exactly. Troll God. Yeah. Okay. Hey, main boys.

It's Zach, a.k.a. the sexist from Texas. I'm just calling because I thought up the most humiliating way to kill yourself, and I thought it would be funny to share with you all. So what you do is you stand on the ladder, and you put the noose around your neck, and you throw it over like a tree branch or a beam or whatever, it doesn't matter. And then you attach the other side of the rope to the back of your underwear and then kick out the ladder.

So you're hanging yourself, but you're also giving yourself a wedgie. And then the police or the paramedics or whoever comes, first thing that they say is, Oh, look at this fucking nerd. I'm going to get you down. Oh, and then your family dies. Okay.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Damn, dude. That is a great idea. You fucking die much pinata fag? Yeah, I think if you would have gotten to

that one in 2006, you would have made it to the front page of Newgrounds. I really do. That's pretty funny. I think he's referencing my beheading place bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a funny one. I enjoyed it. Yeah. I gotta say, I think I finally figured out the black community. Now, you ever smoke some menthol and then try to drink red wine? It's terrible. That's what they're about. What did he just say?

I don't know. It sounded like some kind of bad joke about mental and red wine. I don't know what you're going to do. Well, let's make sure to listen. Yeah, what's up, Mean Boys? It's Rene from New York. Currently started a new job as an executive chef and, like, on my feet all day and eating proper is not always good. I guess I was just curious,

how do you guys survive just eating on the road all the time? All that fucking garbage food. It's got to be just filling your system. Yeah, you've seen me make it. I had a McDonald's cheeseburger the other day, and I've been shitting for like three days now. It's a fucking nightmare. I don't know.

Tell me something gross about your poops. Because I know Connor's shits are pretty epic. What about the other one of these fuckers? Especially Ramsey. I bet you Ramsey can rip some mean fucking shits. I don't know what it is about his face, but that guy's definitely a shitter. Fuck everything God has done. That's funny.

Yeah, man, it's rough, dude. This ain't healthy on the road. I mean, I don't know that I ever fucking cracked it, really. No, you always... Because bringing more stuff with me is good, but... You were just a different kind of unhealthy than me. I was just, like, fucking fat and had a sheen of beef grease, and then you were just sort of sallow-cheeked and malnutriented. Yeah, I would get like, yeah, I just wouldn't want to eat a lot of shit, you know,

because of my being a fucking nerd shit or whatever, you know, like I just was picky about it, so yeah, it was always hard. Yeah, right after I got out of the hospital and had to go on the road, I brought a cooler with me, filled it with a nice chest, filled it with stuff. And I kept it healthy. I was on the road for, like, I think, like, five days. And I was healthy the whole time. Didn't eat any crap.

But it does require, you know, foresight and preparation is all the... So you're never going to do it. You won't get it together. Yeah. You're going to die fat. Yeah. It's not as difficult as you think, but you just have to put the time in. Yeah.

It's also cheaper doing it that way. I know. That's the fucked up thing. It's cheaper. It's better. It makes you feel better, but you won't do it. Yeah. All right.

My laptop's about to die. I got to go run up and get my cord and dump the files. Take me five. All right. Back again. We're back. Where are we chronologically with these voicemails? I'm just curious because I know we're kind of deep in the weeds here.

We are. This is July 27th. So, yeah, it's going to continue going forward. We've got September and October coming up. And then that'll be it. Gotcha. Gotcha. This is just kind of how my iTunes ordered them out.

But, yeah, we're almost at the end, kids. And then we got one person that left after I downloaded all of them. So we'll play theirs last for sure. Oh, you know what? That's not playing on the laptop, I don't think. Oh, I thought that was the one that made you say, you know what? I'm done. No.

No, is it playing at the thing? Yeah, I think it might. Yeah, it seemed like it was. Okay. Fuck. All right. No, I messed up know what, I'm done. No, is it playing at the thing? Yeah, I think it might. Yeah, it seemed like it was. Okay, fuck. Now I messed up his bit. I feel bad. Hey there, mean boys. It's your uncle from Minnesota calling.

I just wanted to give you some updates on the family. Richard's daddy got eaten by a bear And I haven't been outside of the house in three weeks We're still snowed in in September So much for that global warming, huh? This is a Ren and Stimpy episode? What the fuck is that? Anyways, we haven't heard from you in a while

and would appreciate a visit. Call me later. I was like, is there more? And I'm like, oh yeah. I'm doing a bit, bitch. Wow. I mean, this is like the worst crowd we could possibly be for that bit.

I feel bad. It was a funny character. Thanks. Sorry about the flood. I mean, boys, it's King Moonbatter again, I guess. Last time I called, I was pretty shit-faced. Well, I

kind of am again, but this time it's because I'm dealing with my dog, Damon, which ironically was the sweetest dog you'd ever meet on the face of the planet. I mean, I trained her to be able to deal with small kids hanging from her tail or doing whatever ungodly things children do to dogs without actually lashing out at them. Because in my family, dog draws blood, dog gets a bullet.

And I didn't want that for her. And she was a sweetheart. Does anybody want to get the key from the dog? And after 14 years, she died. I was kind of wondering if you guys had ever dealt with anything of the sort and if you had any advice on dealing with that. Also, as I may have mentioned before, I'm an over-the-road trucker, and I kind of wasn't there for the last year of her life. She was...

Jesus Christ. God, she was amazing. Fuck, dude. I rescued her from my drug dealer at the time. She was caked in poop and this adorable little fluff ball that I promised would never go without. And over and over again throughout her life, I've left and come back and left and come back.

And then this last go around, I was there for a couple years. And then I became a trucker and about three years after that she went and laid by my Dodge Dakota and died there and kind of looking for me. I'm trying to figure out how to really deal with that. And if y'all had ever dealt with something similar, or if you guys have ever had a dog live that long, fuck everything. God is dead.

Keep up the good work, y'all. All right, well, that's from September, so he's definitely over that gay dog. Next voicemail. Hey, mean boys. Alright. No, I'm kidding. First of all, don't you mean fuck everything dog is dead?

I was right there! I mean, look, man, I'm sorry. Dead pets are really going to liven up this hour five of the podcast. I'm really sorry, man. It'm sorry. Dead pets are really going to liven up this hour five of the podcast. Yeah, no, I'm fucking, I'm really sorry, man. It sucks, dude. I had my dog passed away last year as well.

Tripod. Yeah, tripod fucking Hopkins, the chihuahua with beewees in his heart. Beewees. Beewees. Beewees lodged in his fucking heart and shit. Yeah. But it sucks, man. No, it's rough, man.

I mean, I remember like putting my hand on my cat when they were putting the stuff in her, petting her. My family were petting her as she was going to sleep. And I was just kind of sitting there with her after she was dead. And I was still touching her. And I was like, fuck, she's still warm. She's not cold yet. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, it's weird. When a thing is dead, but it feels alive. Wait. Yeah. Sorry. That's a backtrack. His name was Tripod, or did I just call it? No, it was. That's from Sandlot. No. What. Sorry. That's a backtrack. His name was Tripod, or did I just call it? No.

That's from Sandlot. No. What? No. I think there's a tripod, a dog named Tripod in a movie, I think. There might be. No, he was a three-legged chihuahua. And one time I did a bit about him in front of Kyle Kinane, and Kyle Kinane said I should

start calling him Chai Pod. But no, his name was Hopkins, which is a different you have three legs pun. Yeah. Yeah. but no his name was Hopkins which is a different you have three legs pun yeah I just realized I've been telling everybody not everybody but the few people how many people were you talking to about my dead dog several people Tom was bragging about your cool dog I got a buddy with a three legged dog

his name is Tripod it's really nice yeah that's not what his name was I remember when it happened I told everybody that he's done. I can't. Everybody is. You had a mass text. Attention world.

Yeah. That's the one group email I got from Thomas. Yeah. But no, it sucks, man. It's fucking hard. The one thing, you know, it sounds like you gave this dog a better life than, you know, she was going to have. And that's the thing.

You cannot be there for the dog 24 hours a day, but you had to live your life, and you made her life a little better. I'm sure she appreciated it. I mean, think about it this way. That dog was pimping you while you were driving all over creation making her money. You were basically a whore for that little dog. And you strutted your ass all across the highways of this great country. Yeah, you fucking troll. Yeah, you were basically a whore for that little dog. And you strutted your ass all across the highways of this great country. Yeah, you fucking troll. Yeah, you fucking highway slut. Nah, man, sorry about your dog.

Sorry about your dog. You want to back this one up to the beginning? Hey, bean boys. All right. So a couple years back, I got bored and decided to become an ordained minister online because I thought it would be a fun bit to call myself a reverend. And now I kind of am performing a wedding for my sister. And I'm just wondering if you guys had any tips on getting over stage friends.

Thank you. Love the show. Bye. Imagine your sister naked. And then when you're done nutting, you'll be ready to go. I think I have a good one. I mean, a lot of people say when you want to get into comedy, go to an open mic, see how bad people are at it. And you go, oh, fuck, I'll try it.

Watch other people that became like fucking, I don't know, like boring Reddit guy hobby ministers. See them bomb and go, oh, it's going to be fine. This is the, nobody cares. That's very funny. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's going to be funny. This is all like,

it feels like a lot of pressure. It's not really. It's not like if you bomb, they don't get to be married anymore. Nobody's thinking about you at all. Nobody gives a fuck about you. It's the wedding. It's like,

they care 80% about the bride, 10% about the food, and 10% about the groom. Yeah, 10% about the rest of the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got more food than groom. I fucked that up, but you see what I'm saying?

You're going to be fine, dude. Yeah. No, and if things aren't, and that's why that's your only voicemail for us, then rest in peace. Yeah, you know, if you did end up taking your own life after you bomb horribly, there he is. I mean, here's what you want to do to make sure it's a good wedding. I think you get to a point where it's got some steam going. You really have a rhythm going. And then bring up a dead dog. Yeah, there you go.

Or Keith and the dog. Better. There you go. Tell that story. You have my blessing. Also, I love that you are calling from a car. I like the idea that you're on the way to the wedding. And you haven't thought about it at all.

You're like, oh, should I write something? I got fucking. The last time I was at a wedding was my cousin's wedding. I was sitting with my other cousins and this guy, I stuck, I've never, I've never really been to one

so I didn't really know how to go and the guy, this guy pulled up and he just sat at our table and he's like, so what do you, what do you do for work?

And I said, oh, I work in child pornography. I mean. He didn't move. Oh my God, no more mean boys. What the fuck is the world gonna do? It's real rich.

Or more to the point, who the fuck is gonna pay Tom's rent? That's it. That's all real rich had to say. Damn. Well, I do love the narrative that I was scanning by. I was not paying that much less than the rest of us at that house. No, not really, no. So, Real Rich, fuck yourself.

Hey, Mean Boys, it's your roller skating contingent, Nala. I just listened to your intro on the most recent episode where you guys are officially announcing the end. I just wanted to take a second and thank you guys for all the hard fucking work that you've done for us pieces of shit listening. I mean, I know I'm not the first person to tell you, but y'all have been there when nobody else was, or

at least nobody else was as fucking weird as you guys. And I just wanted to say that I'm so proud of you guys for everything that you are accomplishing now. I'm really so excited to see what you guys are going to continue on and do. Tom, if you want, I will gladly reallocate my $5 Patreon donation directly to you.

I'm sure that will make such a huge difference in your lives. I don't know if you guys remember, but a couple years ago, my partner, Death Radio, and I posted about how he saw you guys in Phoenix, Arizona and got a T-shirt spray-painted. It's funny. Hour five, people are telling stories we've already told. Brought it to me all the way up in Southwest Washington. And your show is, like, one of the first things that we really connected over.

And here we are almost three years later, and it seems like those things kind of stick. So it's kind of crazy in retrospect to think that you guys had a really big part in bringing us together. So even if you don't care that, and I'm sure you do, even if you don't care that and I'm sure you do even if you don't care that you make individual differences you literally brought two

pretty miserable people together anyways thank you guys so much for everything and fuck everything I guess y'all are dead love you guys so much for everything. And fuck everything. I guess y'all are dead.

Love you guys. Well, that was incredibly sweet. I love you a lot. Thank you very much. Yeah, thank you. That story literally, like, chokes me up a little every time I think about him. I know. It's gorgeous, man.

It's fucking adorable. Yeah, it's really sweet. Why don't you start? You two should start a podcast about Connor finding a new girlfriend, and that way you can repay the favor. Yeah, here's what I got to, here's where I'm going to find love. I got to get into somebody else's podcast. Hey, guys.

It's Alexis. Obviously, I'm sad that the show is ending. In fact, my kids asked why I was kind of down, and I told them the Mean Boys was ending. And then I had to explain to my daughter that that did not mean you guys were literally disappearing into nothingness, just that you were going to stop making your podcast. But I just wanted to say thank you for all of the work that you've put in entertaining us morons and for really just managing to be an edgy show that nonetheless treats people like me with respect.

Well, as much respect as you can manage, I suppose. Anyway, as much respect as you deserve., I suppose. Anyway. As much respect as you deserve. Fuck everything. God is dead. Thanks, Alexa.

Hey, mean boys. Sorry, I didn't mean to. Oh, no, no. Yeah, I mean, we talked to Alexa. Yeah, we covered you. Love you, blah, blah. Just wanted to let you guys know, a couple weeks ago, maybe a month or so, I was just having one of the worst days I've had in a couple years.

I was really just looking at taking my car into a tree on the way home from work and had the podcast going in the background, and I'd already gotten halfway through an episode, and all of a sudden, a simple country lawyer sketch came on. And a minute and a half later, I am pulled over to the side of the road laughing my ass off and just enjoying things. And my attitude changed completely. You guys, not to overstate it, probably saved my life that day. And I just want to say you guys are wonderful. You're going to be missed.

I wish the best for all of you in the future. Fuck everything. God is dead. Well, I'm just a simple country guy overwhelmed by the weight of what you've said. And I don't know nothing about thanking you for caring enough to justify my career. Well, I'm just a post-ironic, nihilist, depressed, millennial content creator wallowing in his own self-importance, but I do declare that as one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

They didn't know I was in the country because I was raping the earth with the plows and the tractors and the dust bowl came in. Well, I'm just a simple country accent thing. Fucking what country? Still never really learned how to do this accent for the simple country. Child pornvania. Simple country lawyers. Simple Swedish lawyers. But I will say, as happy as I may be that you did not crash into that tree, someone killing themselves to this podcast would have been pretty metal.

Cool, man. Now I'm glad you're alive. Dude, that was beautiful beautiful that's really good and look dude i i know the same i again i did i you know how many times i did that walking back from the ymca that was my favorite place to think about killing myself i'd go work out at the ymca i'd ride my scooter home and i would there's a stopwatch cross light and then there's this fucking fast traffic on this big chino thoroughfare which is people country people driving to and from work and uh yeah just cars would whiz pass and i just go i could just take three steps and fucking i don't have to deal but i'd have on a fucking

mark maron and i'd hear somebody talking about oh yeah well it did sucked early on and i was sad and i got into it and i go fucking kick home, you know, so I get it, dude. That fucking means the world. Hey, Mean Boys, it's Dylan. I just wanted to let you know how much your show meant to me

over these last three years. From Joe to Tom and the soundboard. The other host. My three favorite characters, Joe, Tom, and a robot. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Hey, Mean Boys. This is Jacob from Alabama. I've been a long-time listener, but I don't really call a lot. But I wanted to tell y'all that I really like the show and I'm glad it's ending for a good reason. Hey, this is Jacob from Alabama. Please don't listen to the previous voicemail. I thought that was hard. Anyway, I wanted to say I'm glad you guys are getting a real job, and I look forward to what Tom's got going on in the future.

Anyway, I'm not good at talking at voicemails. So real quick, Tom, name seven MCU movies. MCU? Yeah, Marvel. Oh, I thought that was a gem at first. Okay, Ant-Man, Wasp and Ant-Man, Black Panther. There's a different Black Guy one. I can't remember. Captain America, Captain Marvel, fucking The Flight.

Which one's the wing guy? Falcon? He doesn't have a movie. He either does another black guy. Yeah, there's only one black guy, but you're at five. Well, I'm going to count the black guys, too. Progressive. All right, I'll give you six, but I'm not happy about Well, I'm going to count the black guys, too. Progressive. All right, I'll give you six, but I'm not happy about it.

And then Iron Man 1 through 3. Okay. Man, I should have started thinking of those sequels earlier. I know. You found that man in the wasp, though. I really thought you were going to do Black Panther. Black Panther in the wasp. Captain America.

Captain America in the wasp. Yo, what up, Mean Boys? This is Andrew. Here we come again. Somebody asked me a question at the bar the Wasp. Captain America. Captain America and the Wasp. Yo, what up, mean boys? This is Andrew Hill. We're coming in. Somebody asked me a question at the bar the other night, and I had no good answer for them. We were talking about who would you cast to play live action versions of King of the Hill.

And, like, we came up with something for, like, you know, side characters, like it's John C. Reilly to play Dale, or what's his face to play dale or they are what's the face to play what's the face i don't fucking know but we couldn't figure out what human actor would play hank hill i can't fucking think of one uh wanted to know if you guys could think of one uh probably be in california at the end of the month i don't know. Fuck everything. God is dead. Who's the guy? Nick Offerman? Nick Offerman's not bad.

I think if he shaved and sort of like had the... It's funny. He would have to work out like he was going to be in a superhero movie to play Hank Hill. But I think if he did a little work, he could do it. Yeah, fuck. That's pretty good. So, you have a better pitch? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Peggy. I love your Spapagy and meatballs. Yes, rafters. The boy is not right. Christmas within the F course. I love propane and propane accessories. I have a black friend at work that Chris Rock does the voice for sometimes. I guess this is how I picture the guy in the Cookie Monster suit sounds at home.

Also, I'm dry of the insult comic, dog. Little bit of Taco Monster. Boom. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hey, meme boys. This is Sadie Deathflower calling in from Indiana. And I have two questions. First off, when are you...

You know what you never hear? Hi, I'm Normal Guy from someplace good. I'm Sadie Deathflower from that town by the freeway. I'm Greg from Connecticut. It's always like, hi, I'm dead and I'm in. I'm Chrysanthemum Skeleton and I live near all those silos. Yeah, I am Professor Frankenstein, life from Davy Jones' locker.

Hi, I'm Damien Switchblade and I live where the last payphone is. You may recognize me as the person that left the weird spaceship thing as my iTunes review. And the person, Morticia Percy, that sent to you the weird King of

the Hill fan fiction. I would like to ask, what's going to happen to the Patreon stuff? Because I am not able to access it as i am 18 and very poor uh i yeah that's my only question uh what will happen to the patreon stuff because once you guys leave i burned it all still really like to digest it. Consume it, rather. I've enjoyed listening to your podcast

for a long time. Thank you. Goodbye. What a formal 18-year-old. So here's the deal. It will always be on the Patreon because I am 26 and very poor. Yeah, five bucks a month, it's over on the Tom Gass Patreon.

Yeah. Or if you, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. What's up? Been hearing all the Yu-Gi-Oh jokes and got a good kind of impression for you.

Hey, Yu-Gi, I kidnapped your grandpa and I'm going to do everything I can to gape his hole with my one-eyed pink dragon. I just thought you might enjoy that. You thought wrong. I kind of did. Is that the guy who called at the very beginning of all this? Yeah, yeah. It was like, remember my great impression?

Kaiba's not that hard a voice to do, but it a business solid kaiba and i appreciate thank you very much what's the one you used to always do the super gay sound than one oh my tune world yugi you don't stand a ghost of a chance pegasus yes oh he just wears a red suit and molest children on an island where they all play a game that he designed and he's the best at. I wonder why he's my favorite character. Oh no, it's Epstein's son. He kind of is Jeffrey Epstein with the blue eyes

now that I think about it. Well, too blue eyes, but didn't want the Yu-Gi-Oh fans to come after me. Hey Bill. I summon Polypenesian four-year-old in attack mode. I got no problem with that. Well, I know what I'm doing after Mean Boys. I'm writing Bill Clinton in Pegasus on Epstein Island.

Hey, what up, Mean Boys? My name is Juan. I've been listening to you guys for almost about a year you guys are just fucking awesome I first heard you guys mentioned on the Legion of Skanks Big J just

gave you guys a huge fucking shout out you know he was saying you guys are the only people still doing edgy dark comedy so I just had to check out your saying, you guys are the only people still doing edgy, dark comedy. So I just had to check out your podcast, and you guys are just absolutely hilarious. A couple people have said that to me. I had no idea that happened.

Oh, that we got shouted out on Skype? Yeah, that Big Jay said something. I know Lewis likes us, but I can't imagine people listening to Lewis. Is this the same voicemail we got earlier? No, I don't think so. I mean, maybe it is, but it might be the same guy. But yeah, last time, the only time I really talked to Big J, I was in my fucking underwear, and I just put my, like, a dick sock in Joe DeRosa's cocktail.

I hung out with Big J a little bit at Skankfest, and there's a couple times I've been out in New York. Yeah, I did too, but it was super, it was brief and formal, and he was very nice. That's very sweet of him to say that. I know we kind of dick on skanks a little bit as like a joking thing

but I really love those dudes. They've been nothing but nice to me except for that time that Louis left me at a train station in San Diego at 4 a.m. Even then, he left you there with these skills to get pussy and have a great time. Yeah. Well, he also did it for me.

What? Oh, that's right yeah um yeah big j by just if you haven't heard it i gotta recommend the album american storyteller is one of the best comedy albums ever it's the top i think i've heard that does he have does he have 10 is great the bit about having gay sex with dave smith on that i don't know that he does i mean it's one of my favorite fucking bits yeah i mean he's got this fucking bit about the strap on you know because someone told me about that because i got a strap on bit and he's like it was big it took up a lot of room it was so big knocking my childhood dreams out of my mouth just like ah ninja cop fuck fucking amazing creative stuff it's great joke writing no i went through and listened to all of your episodes you guys put out, and it's just been awesome. I work at a steel factory in Grand Haven, Michigan.

You sure do. And your podcast has gotten me through a lot of long shifts. I've actually almost gotten written up a few times because my supervisor caught me with my Bluetooth headset listening to you guys' podcast. And I don't know. I guess it's dangerous or whatever being around a lot of heavy machinery and not being able to hear your surroundings. I mean, fuck it. I ended up getting through all of your podcasts, and, dude, you guys are just the shit. You know, it really sucks to hear that your show is leaving.

You guys are all splitting up. But, I mean, I know it's for the best, and I wish all of you guys just nothing but the best of luck. Yeah. I can't wait to hear more of what

you guys have to put out in the future. Fuck everything. God is dead. Thank you Thanks buddy Yeah thanks Yeah thank you very much Hey Mean Boys It's Callie Velasquez

Calling from the hallway at work So I got to keep my voice down I just want to say that I hate you guys No just kidding Your words are awesome And Mean Boys is my favorite thing for years now. You have to move on, I understand. I did see you guys once in Las Vegas, and I saw Connor and Steve one time in town, but that's about it.

Probably not going to go to your last show because it's expensive, and I don't want any other people I don't know. Fair. I sent in a lot of games. The last five I sent in were probably bad because you didn't use them, so sorry about that. There's no comedy in Albuquerque. You'll probably never see those again, but I will continue supporting Tom on Patreon because his podcast is great but depressing.

Still good, though. So good luck in the future. Well, thanks, Callie. And like I said, Callie's one of those people over the years that really like, one of the first people

that ever made me feel like we were doing anything here, that it had any sort of an impact. And like, yeah, I mean, it's so funny. There's so many of you where it's just like your names and weird facts

about you are just indelibly going to be in my mind forever. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I used to know a guy and I don't know his name.elibly going to be in my mind forever. Oh, yeah. I used to know a guy. I don't know his name. He's called Death Radio. He lived there.

Yeah, exactly. I knew a man forever. Yeah, I always appreciate some love from Callie. Of course, yeah. No, still thank you for the shoes that you gave me. Oh, yeah, that's right. Still wear them. Target gift cards.

She's giving us a lot of stuff. She really took care of us. Yeah, very motherly. Yeah, when we were in real dire straits. Yeah, so appreciated. Hey, me and boys, and Jessica Michelle and Adam Todd Brown. Sam from Milwaukee calling, actually from the middle of Wisconsin right now, home of unmarked roads and 3G cell phone signals, so we'll see how this goes. I just wanted to call and say thanks for all the years, all the good laughs.

Pretty much followed from the moment I was listening to Unpops and I heard Keith and Connor just tear apart Randall Maynard. And that was when I was like, okay, well, I've got to listen to these guys. They're fucking hilarious. So, yeah, thanks for all the shows you guys put together all these years and the couple Midwest shows you made it out to. That was, you know, fun times were had by all, I hope. Looking forward to whatever you guys work on in the future.

So good luck on all that. And I'll keep following the Twitters and the Instagrams and whatnot and looking for more episodes of Leaving the Tribe. Tom is a, you know, natural interviewer. I'm sure someone's told him that many times at this point. Sad to see it go, but happy that you guys are moving

on to bigger and better things, hopefully. Thanks for all the good times. Keep in touch. Fuck everything. God is dead. Thanks, man. I won't. Sam hits me up every once in a while. Sam, you're good people people No, he's good people I DM with him all the time Hey guys

I just want to say Thanks for the show And uh Fuck all y'all Bye Toodles I really love the gay guy From Family Guy

And I can't believe He's a fan Ned Flanders I knew I shouldn't Be eating so many strawberries But they're just so good I'm an anthy Little bitch boy.

Yeah. Hey, what's up, you fucking... Take two, homie. Hey, what's up, you fucking birthday pigeons? It's Big Meek here. I know y'all fucking said that y'all were reading up on the voiceover for your last episode, so I decided to leave one too. You know, actually, I wanted to read.

I love y'all fucking... I just found out that Big Meek sounds like an English grime rapper. Oh, I didn't even realize it was Big Meek. Yeah, it's Big Meek. Oh, shit. The scourge of the Mean Voice fan community. I can understand very little of that so far. We'll see if it works.

I think he called his birthday pigeons. Yeah, it did say birthday pigeons in the text because I remember that. But yeah, Big Meek, I mean, he got kicked out of the Discord for something I refused to learn about. I don't know. As best I understood it described, it was vague Nazi shit. That's not me saying that about Big Meek. I just want to be clear. I'm just saying that's what I

understood. Let's hear it from the man himself. There we go. What was it? The Metroid joke. I was climbing stairs for the fucking time. I couldn't for about ten goddamn minutes. I had to sit in the bottom of the stairs laughing so goddamn hard at that shit.

It's been a lot, man, you know. I've gone through a lot in my life, from, you know, a shitty job to sales manager at a fucking auto shop. You know, through fucking several different licenses with all kinds of chicks and my first with a dude. Still going strong. I know you fucking poofers will get after me

if I got long enough. Atta boy, Meek. Anyway, look. I love the fucking show. It's fun to see that y'all got a decent sum of money and now we're trying to act like adults.

I'll see you for the reunion in about three months when you pitch, you know, the cunt werewolf or some shit. When you pitch the fucking cunt werewolf and get fired and decide to do the show again. It's been a good run. This is Big Meek signing off. Love everything. God is alive. I think cunt werewolf is buffoon from the Lagoon's joint. Yeah.

Thanks, Meek, man. I love you, man. I always had fun talking to you online. Hit me up anytime. I know you've gotten clammed on a little bit. You're such a good dude. Congratulations on your newfound gayness. Yeah, thanks for buying Fart.Lawyer.

See, now I'm no longer a fan. Yeah. Oh, is he Fart.Lawyer? He bought it. Yeah, I believe it was him. Hell yeah, dude. The Fart.Lawyer reigns supreme. Oh, he's done a lot of skits. I think he was running that wiki that was around for a while. Oh, is he Fart.Lawyer? He bought it, yeah. I believe it was him. Hell yeah, dude. The Fart.Lawyer reigns supreme. Oh, he's done a lot of skits.

I think he was running that wiki that was around for a while. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks for all the fucking... Yeah. Everything you put into the show. Yeah, you're a good dude, man. Yeah. Oh, man.

It is really a good sign when you call into the Mean Boys voicemail and you get the Google subscriber. The people who've called is not available. I just want to say thank you guys so much for three years of entertainment. You did fucking roll. I wasn't going to call in, but I'm walking my dog right now, and I stumbled onto a very upsetting scene in an abandoned parking lot where it seems like there are a bunch of random VHS tapes in their original casing and then a bunch of Polaroid pictures of a woman.

Oh, no. A bunch of what? Polaroid pictures of a woman. Fuck everything. Oh, fuck that. Okay. Cool, man. Thanks for that haunting tableau.

What were the videos? Yeah, he said there were VHS tapes in the original packaging. Yeah, but I want to know. I don't know what's on them, yeah. We heard exactly as much voicemail as you did. I have no further information. I want more information. Oh, I thought you just didn't pick up a word.

I wasn't trying to just repeat the shit you just heard to you. He's trolling, trolling, trolling. Okay. Yeah, I mean, boys, sneak out. Sorry, I know I'm clogging up the airwaves, but I'm sure that you guys are going to rip on me for calling in twice. I just wanted to say, you know, the three years of listening to the podcast, I've been with you guys since the beginning.

It's really sad to see it come to an end, and at a time when I felt really alone in the city, you guys made me feel like I wasn't so alone. So a sincere thank you for everything you guys have done. You guys are awesome, and I would seriously like another round of Tom Tom

before we leave. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah, no problem, buddy. Yeah, you got it. Hey, mean boys. This is Alex from Santa Cruz. I met Tom briefly at Rosie McCann a couple months back when he deal with. So thanks for the show and thanks for being around and look forward to see what you guys do in the future. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Thank you. Hello, this is Dave. I think this is Beaches. I talked to you last week about the Canasta tournament that is going on next week. It's at Eastside Miner in Borough Arrow. And I would love to, you know, before we get too involved in playing, we can go and do a couple

practice hands I have a group of friends that we meet up on Wednesdays and you can give me a call I'm not very sure how much experience you have but you can give me a call back

my number is 1-305-427-8642 and I would love to have you as a... to try out and be seeing how good of a partner you are. You know, I'm semi-serious and... would enjoy having a couple hands with somebody that knows what they're doing. Anyways, you have a great day.

Sick bit, brah. All right. Hey, Mean Boys. anyways you have a great day oh sick bit bruh hey mean boys I met you guys in like Philly and at the Legion of Scandic show a couple years ago I started listening to you guys Shane Gillis

three years ago when I was in undergrad and I went out and got into the work world for a little bit three years ago when I was in undergrad. And I went out and, like, got into the work world for a little bit and things like that. So I came back to school at Miami University of Ohio. And, yeah, so I just wanted you guys to know that you have a Ph.D. in chemistry in training that's been listening to you for, like, the whole time you've been doing this.

That's awesome. That's awesome, man. Yeah, I wish you were here to keep going. But thanks. I just wanted to thank you guys personally because you guys are pretty amazing. I don't have cable, so I can't watch that Spade show, but I hope to see you guys somewhere else later. Bye.

It's cool you have a PhD, but it is canceled out by the fact that you like Legion of Skanks. At the end of the day, you have average intelligence. And you have to put that on your resume when you apply, too. He has a PhD in saying the N-wordology. Is this the last one?

No, we have the one we got to play from Short Puss. Oh, okay. You know what I'm talking about? I didn't, I didn't, it was, you already played it, so we got to find it

after this, but we have to play that one. I told you about it outside. The one new one. So, yeah. Good morning, Mean Boys. this but we have to play that one uh no there's about it outside the one new one so uh yeah good morning mean boys this is joe from michigan uh it's about 9 a.m i'm just starting my day on the road here uh i just want to say a big thank you to you guys and uh to my friend ricky for turning me on to the show a couple years ago. Shout out, Ricky. Shout out. Yeah, he's one of my closest friends,

and we always talk about the show, and he would constantly try to get me to listen, and I took forever to take him up on the offer. I think my friend Ricky might have been one of the original listeners that started when the show was brand new. Oh, brand new i don't know how he would have heard about it but i hope that he hears uh this voicemail and i hope that he is inspired to call in thank you by the way for playing all the other voicemails uh over the last year so i told a story about a lady shitting on the sidewalk in palito talked about being a big old fat guy and going to buy a pizza and forgetting to pick up my heart meds.

Yeah, a couple other random things. Most recent one about that book Bill Clinton wrote. So I just want to thank you guys so much for all of the wonderful arguments that this sparked between my fiance and I. She doesn't like podcasts very much and doesn't like to talk about things like conspiracy theories or different things like that. And I love making her groan and complain about all the dumb stories I tell about this show. It's really funny to me. Here's the thing. Ricky is going to be in my wedding on May 30th in Kalamazoo, Michigan,

this coming spring. And both of us, like I said, are really big fans of the show. We've never been able to make it to a live show before. But I just got clearance to invite three extra people to the wedding. So guess what? You guys are fucking invited. I will make sure I will pay your way. Aside from airfare, I will make sure that you guys have a place to stay.

I will feed you. You'll come to the reception. You'll come to the ceremony. You'll have a great time. May 30th, Kalamazoo, Michigan. Mark your fucking calendars. It would be awesome to see you guys. If not, I get you're busy.

But, hey, you said it, Keith. This is your fault. You said it on the show. This is the second wedding I've gotten invited to. Invite me to your wedding. Guess what? You're fucking invited. All right.

You guys, it's been a great run. Thank you for answering all my dumb questions. Hope you guys have killer fucking careers from this moment on. Fuck everything. God is dead. Wait, what was the first wedding you got invited to? Those people in San Diego invited me to their wedding. Oh, shit.

I don't think, maybe they invited me, I don't remember. Yeah, I feel bad. I just forgot to respond, and they're like, yeah, we knew you weren't coming. I'll tell this guy what, though. I'm tentatively down. I mean, hit me up. Consider me an email. 60% in.

Yeah, because, look, I mean, it'd be fun, you know, maybe. Fuck. I know. I'm sorry. No, you're fine. I just, like, May 30th is a Saturday, so we could theoretically pull it off. Okay. Yeah.

I think it would be more funny. I think it would be hilarious if the three of us went to a random person's wedding and we did a reunion just for him. Yeah. What if we did it? What if that's, like, the one Mean Boys reunion show is in Kalamazoo, Michigan? At his wedding? Are we doing itoo, Michigan? At his wedding? Are we doing it at the same time as his wedding somewhere else?

This is so funny. We're booking the reunion show on the last episode. He can't go. It's during his honeymoon. We do that on purpose. All right, we're doing that. That's the funniest version of it. Yeah, we'll do a whole big prank on this guy.

That's pretty great. He's going to make his wife miss. We've got to do it on a day his wife's like, oh, that's when she's going to fly to her grandma's grave to name or get the ring from her brother. So you don't want to hear what the fudge lord's been up to? Yeah. And I'm like, I have many chocolate developments. We brought Keith Ray.

He's like, they brought Keith Ray. Come on, man. I've been doing whippets out of an old boot for the past three hours, and I'm ready to fucking chuckle. Kyle's producing, so it's going to actually sound good. All right, this is the last one, the newest Mean Boys voicemail, and then there's one more. Hey, Mean Boys.

Just want to call to say thanks for this dumb, dumb podcast. No, you guys have really helped me. The podcast actually, I listen to it all the time, and especially when I was quitting drinking, it was really helpful. I'll just save you the long, boring story of when I dried out and just cut to the money shot of when I shit in a grocery bag and then wiped my ass with a Coney 2012 poster. So I figured,

I don't know, he liked that. Also, one last question. Keith, why do you always reference the Country Bear Jamboree?

All right. Fuck everything. Mean boys is dead. Because the Country Bear Jamboree fucking rules. Yeah. It's one of the greatest pieces of discontinued

Disney ephemera ever and I love it and it reminds me of home. Yeah, they're going ephemera ever, and I love it, and it reminds me of home. Yeah, they're going to reboot that shit someday soon. I mean, it's coming. I don't want them to. I feel you, because it's kind of shitty, and that's the perfect for it.

It felt like if your shitty white trash grandma turned her den into an attraction at Disneyland. Yeah. It was very fun. They did a Christmas overlay where they're all wearing hats, which implies that these bears believe in Christ. Really? Which is a lot to unpack. Like if tweakers had sort of the arts and crafts and know how to back up the big ideas and the energy.

A hundred percent. I'm looking up that last theme. If you guys want to vamp for a minute, I can figure out when this was left. Yeah, yeah. We'll get to it. Maybe I can find it in here. You know what? I think it was around September 25th or 6th.

What are we looking for? It would have been September 25th. Oh, okay. I got it. I got it here for us. Yeah, that's it. This is the last Mean Boys voicemail. Yeah.

Take a listen, guys. Hey, Mean Boys. It's Shortbuzz Murphy. I'm here if somebody wants to say hi. Shortbuzz Murphy's hands are shaking like me when I'm sober after two Americanos and an Aloft Hotel in Syracuse. It's Doug Stanhope. I'm sorry. I'm not a longtime listener or caller of this podcast.

But who the fuck is? Hey, I'm Doug Stanhope. And I approve of this message. Thank you. Thank you, man. I just wanted to say thanks to you guys for all the fucking great podcasts. You guys have built a great community for us

and fucking, we're getting laughed at as we walk away. Olivia Grace just bought me a shot. It was a good fucking night. You guys are the fucking best. Thank you so much for everything. I even got my dick sucked because of your podcast and I can't say that about anything else. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Anything else. That's the most quintessential final Mean Boys voicemail there could be. Yeah. You made my life better. You got my dick sucked, and now I'm drunk with Doug Stanhope. Yeah. That literally covers all of our bases.

That's everything we could even have in our wildest hopes could have done Olivia Grace is still alive which is far beyond what we thought would have happened from episode like 17 yeah fuck man yeah thank you so much for getting that short bus we've been sitting on that one for a while yeah that fucking rocks dude

that's so great Doug Stanhope told us we're nobodies yeah yeah no he told me I was a nobody in person Doug Stanhope told us we're nobody's Yeah When Tom knows Doug Stanhope I know, yeah Yeah, no, he told me I was a nobody in person I mean, when I worked with him He just kind of said it with his general eyes and attitude

Yeah Yeah Yeah, well, that's I guess we plug our dates Shit, we did it We did it, guys You know what, sister I will

wouldn't it be great if we just cut the recorder off and that was the last line of the podcast I will I will plug this is a bad we actually are

plugging Dom should plug his dates short buzz we put this tour together I don't feel like we're going to record an intro

no I don't think we're going to need it no so on December 5th I'll be in Messina, New York at Del Mar. December 6th, I'll be in Montreal at the Turbo House. December 7th, I'll be at Ultra Apartment. I'll be at Jack's Reef in fucking Syracuse. I know the end of this podcast snuck up on you real quick, so you didn't have time to talk to me.

This is why I like the tradition of you plugging your dates. And then I'm going to like it even more in five minutes when you go back and start correcting the ones you just plugged. I actually pulled up the photo with the corrected dates. Oh, nice, man. On December 8th, they'll be in Ottawa at Avant Garde Bar. And then, yeah, I'm going to do a show this Friday at a place called The Murder Mountain

I was just watching a documentary about. Yeah, everybody, come to The Murder Mountain. It's in NorCal. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah is we never really uh i got more dates i can plug if you guys want me to i mean i got that thing i'm gonna throw on the end of this yeah we got that um yeah this was like the best thing i ever did yeah you guys are the best guys i ever did anything with yeah no i uh it look if and this is uh as it stands right now my life's work really yeah you know and it's like well that's that's pretty goddamn good man you know yeah not bad if i if i the fucking the

meteor came through the window right now and we all blew up i'd go well you know i feel like i kind of fucking laid all my chips on the table and and you people really uh really helped with that you helped me with that i think you really uh really helped with that you helped me with that i think you helped all of us with that you helped us you know believe in ourselves a little bit enough to keep this thing going and get to do what we're doing now and you know just the people that have come into our lives because we've done this i mean girlfriends now no girlfriends that you guys are gonna you know this is a fucking serious relationship you guys are so happy you really complete each other yeah and just the multitudes of fucking beautiful things that have happened

because we started doing this like the how much we grew as comedians and you know as people slightly uh for me it's very very noticed very slight but uh yeah i mean all the fucking comedy shit that came out of it all the funny memories we got to make. I mean, this literally has decorated the hallways of my mind with joy for a lifetime. You know, all the stuff we got to do together with you guys. And, you know, we might have made Mean Boys, but you guys made the scene. And that's fucking beautiful. And seeing you guys affect each other's lives for some reason, it's all kind of related to us somehow.

It's fucking weird and it's humbling and it's uh this is my request to anybody listening to this if you if this show meant anything to you if you you know if it affected you the way we're hearing on these voicemails and stuff you know whatever you do whether it's you know you make art or you work at a factory or you're a fucking banker or whatever just to find a way to do a thing you love and to use it to make someone else's life suck five percent less you know just try and if you can introduce one good thing into someone's life and make someone's life a little less shitty and make someone feel a little less alone. That's how you keep the spirit of, I think, what we did here alive. I think, you know, it is a very lonely, weird, frightening world, and I feel like we're all very weird, lonely, frightened people,

and I think this is a beautiful thing to see, this many of you get to, you know, make me feel less lonely and shitty and weird uh and i feel uh i feel very i don't even know the honored blessed gay i don't know what the word is yeah but honored and i feel honored and gay too yeah no i mean yeah so i mean you know do a thing you love be good to people you you know, that's, that's all I, I can, thank you.

I think, thank you. I think we, sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to step on your last thing. God damn it. I,

there's, it wouldn't be Mean Boys if you didn't. I know, I hate that I do that. That's all right. Yeah, I think we all, Tom's gonna,

Tom's gonna dunk on all of us in a minute. I'm sure. I, I know, I, I think we all realize at a certain point that, oh, that's funny. Sorry. at a certain point that, oh, that's funny. Sorry.

At a certain point that we, like, we're never going to be the big famous, like, marquee podcast. Like,

we were never going to be the podcast that sells out the Wednesday night at the Improv, you know, across the country. No, yeah. We were never going to be

last podcast. Yeah, we're not going to be Girls Have Pussy. Yeah. God. Holy shit, Tom. Or, or, or God. Holy shit, Tom. Or we found a dead guy or any of those.

Yeah. Like, we realized we were never going to be that, but we could be the band where everybody that saw the show started their own band. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we did. So go start your band. Yeah. Man, I don't know.

I'm still pretty emotionally clogged up from all of this. I mean, I feel like I started the show five different people ago. Yeah. Are you done eating that fifth guy? Yeah. Are you done eating that fifth guy? And I don't, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I'm, for all of you that are like sad and overwhelmed at the show's ending, so am I. And I'm the one who actually, I pulled the trigger on it. I hope that's okay. Yeah, no, I mean.

It's still, you know, I'm going to miss doing this. You two are my closest friends. I don't think I've had a close friendship that has lasted this long with anybody else. I mean, I've had a close friendship that has lasted this long with anybody else. I mean, I've had – I'm serious. I have other close friends, but you get distant or they move or I get busy with something else. I have definitely not lived with anyone besides my family longer than I've lived with you guys. This is the worst time, but there's 45 seconds left on this recording. I'm so sorry.

No, nothing is funnier than me getting cut off as the last part of the voice history. Go. Done. Roll the clip. Okay. You guys want to do it in 30 seconds? Yeah. Oh, shit, dude.

Yeah. All right, guys. Tom, you got to keep going. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What are we doing? I was going to do Fuck Everything Mean Boys is Dead. No, let's do it.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Fuck Everything Mean Boys is Dead. And that is why. Wow. Tom, Tom Trey doesn't sound smart. He goes, and that is why. You know, I think it's a pretty good name for him, but instead of Keith Carey, I think

we should start calling him Argus Crumblebottom. Squirtle's got some booty, too, though. That's fucking tricky. I don't want to fucking eat your goddamn suit, bitch. I know that's what's cheesy right on top of you. Hi, everybody, I'm Jim Kimble. Just opening the door and Tom's getting skunk fucked. Tell me what to do on my weekend.

A new vibrator was invented that orders you pizza from Domino's after you come. The catch is, if you don't come in 30 minutes or less, the Noid rapes you. Short pants. A restaurant in France has just opened in which all the chefs and staff suffer from Down Syndrome. Upon arriving, the diners will be seated by the maitre d'hame. Gingrich, the bringer of the noise and the funk and the all-consuming death. Karnak, the bloodfeaster.

I got lost in a flamingo garden. This was for sure an Arby's where you saw something pink. And then the dog starts fucking this lady. The guy gets over and puts a little peanut butter on the pussy. This dog did not need any peanut butter motivation. This dog was ready to party. I replied, you were wearing them when you heard about the bombing? She said, yeah, I had them on all that day and I slept in them too. I said, you were sad while wearing them though, right?

This is upsetting. Who wants to sadivise me? Waka, waka, waka. Holy Toledo, will you look at the size of that ding dong? This is crazy. Holy shit, the Gravitron killed my baby. I am the Gravitron killed my baby. I am the Gravitron. A man is dead after choking during a croissant eating contest.

So move over, AIDS, there's a new gayest way to die in town. A sperm whale washed ashore on the Spanish coast after being killed by latex poisoning. In a related story, Keith's mother took a European vacation and did the condom snorting challenge. Tequila! Oh, yeah. You're market chaps! Market chaps on the car, you cheap gay boy.

I'm asking that you please just send me back a quick email confirming that the Van Damme Academy was not in fact founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme, star of Bloodsport, Street Fighter the movie, and Bloodsport 2. I'm going to be 100% honest, I was mostly thinking of Jimmy Buffett. Well, y'all, we are five simple country lawyers speaking collectively. His name is Space Godzilla. He Godzilla's in space. Come to Mortaro's for half price on any infant sarcophagus. Sup, cunts?

I am a fudge lord. By my side and my left, everybody. It's been the Mean Boys Podcast. Fuck you! Fuck you! Put that on my fucking tombstone, everybody. Yay! Ace Holt.

Tom Goss. Ace Holt. Goodbye. Right now. See ya. All right. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Correct the mundo.