Mean Boys - EP 218 - Alligator Heaven

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Come to our live show Hallo-Mean in Hollywood, CA 10/20 at 8pm https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-mean-boys-podcast-presents-hall-o-mean-2023-tickets-716167625647?aff=oddtdtcreator Send us an email at [e-mail] Leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: http://instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Enjoy our Discord server: http://discord.gg/5KWf32m Fuck with the Mean Boys subreddit: http://reddit.com/r/meanboys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. Hello and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

Every boner brings us a little bit closer to death. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... A divorced ninja turtle. There is something about the board shorts and the thousand yard dead-eyed stare that really combine into a very specific look. Yeah, that's fair. I also didn't realize i was dressed all in red when i rolled up you also look like your enemy is a giant rat

or your only friend yeah you you came up in all red uh your car made a sound that sounded like a car could also be a ghost like your car just naturally made enough noise That Jordan went, did he just crash into the curb? Yeah, and the answer is Not today I've used this joke on other people before, but you did look like Jonestown Kool-Aid man Yeah, no, I did The red on red, I don't know why I chose to wear a hoodie

Because it's not cold We're going to fight a bull after this You had to be ready Tom was wearing red on red, so he looked like the world's only surfer crip. With his, like, sandal thongs and his fucking board shorts. Fucking beach day for the bloods. East side bra. I'm not a huge Ninja Turtle fan,

but it always seemed like a huge waste to me that they didn't have, like, an enemy gang of tortoises that were samurais instead of ninjas. Like did nothing that's really good they did nothing with tortoises and the whole thing i mean it's got to be the natural counterpart or foe of the turtle what of the tortoise yes indeed i love the idea of one ninja turtles writer just beating this drum really hard at every meeting and they're like steve can't you just draw like a machine gun on a pig or something and he's like we're not fucking leaving yeah they're like dude shredder still sells toys so how about you work on some shredder stories dave would you shred up some ideas i mean the tortoises could have been like the suburban ninja turtles

tortoises in general are like slower and they get i think they age more they're not oh now i'm understanding where they're not in the cartoon it's a bunch of tortoises reading books yeah listening to npr eating pesto with their wives. Fucking nerds. Well, yeah, it also makes sense turtles are in the sewer because they swim. Tortoises, yeah, they don't swim. Tortoises are stuck in the liberal shell, man. Of all the goofy bits for you to be able to fact check and, well, actually, this absolutely is A1.

Yeah, it was designed for your zoo book's knowledge. A lot of tortoises live a lot longer than turtles, though. You just know these things. This was so great. But more turtles taste good, apparently. I've never eaten one. I've never eaten a tortoise. I've eaten...

I think I ate a turtle at some point. Eating a tortoise or a turtle feels unsportsmanlike. Well, you don't just pick it up live and suck it out like a... What is he going to do? You live and suck it out like a cow. What is he going to do? You don't suck it out like an oyster. But you still kill it with a stick when it's fucking walking at 0.8 miles an hour. It's not all that different than killing a cow.

They're equally dumb. Well, tortoises know how to move. They just do it very slow. Cows will just kind of stare at you as you shoot them in the head. Cows can kick you. They've got some defense mechanisms available to them. But a tortoise, I mean, against a human, it's totally fucked. Right. Like, if my move is I can just pick you up and take you to some boiling water.

Yeah. I can basically put your house into fire. Yeah, exactly. I can evict you from both your soul and the place you live. So, when I lived in Vegas, I was obsessed with desert tortoises. And they can live to like i think like something crazy like 150 or 200 years old like a special permit to get one as a pet one of the things i learned is you can't even pick them up at any age because they'll pee and not

drink water and die of dehydration really yeah so they're not even like there's a kid in my neighborhood who'd do the same thing. You picked him up. You just start peeing and you never drink and cry to his mom. Yeah. I'll take a tortoise. He was also kind of slow. Yeah. So, yeah, if you want to kill a desert tortoise, you just got to like hold them.

That's good for a codependent people who never want their pets to die. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine your tortoise at your funeral in a little suit. There was a lady who was like a like a deacon at my church when i was growing up who had a fucking tortoise that lived in her bathtub like a fucking big one i don't know any specifics about desert or lightning type or whatever tortoise it was a fucking super tortoise and like somebody brought up like oh they live forever and then we were all doing the math on

like this lady's like 70 she's gonna die before the tortoise does and then we were like she lives alone is that tortoise gonna eat this old lady from our church because i don't know if a tortoise will eat a dead lady unless she's made of lettuce i feel like no yeah they have very specific diets okay yeah they really do sound like liberal suburban is this dead body gluten yeah is this lady a cactus because if not then i don't think it'll eat her i like to pretend i have celiac disease well it's episode two boys do you think we should actually say what we're doing here yeah we dude we we we like spent weeks coming up with like the plan for like all right exactly what we're gonna do with the relaunch like how we're going to do with the relaunch.

And how we're going to roll it out. And explain none of it. Well, yeah. Because what happened is we got the mics on. And then we turned it into fucking virgins on prom night. We were just like, oh, my God, comedy. And we just fucking nutted way too fast. Totally forgot to do any business.

Yeah. We did no housekeeping foreplay. So, yeah. First of all, thank you to everybody who got super stoked about the show coming back. Seriously. I was blown away by the response. It was too crazy you guys really made my day yeah we are very self uh self-deprecating here but i genuinely thought we were going to relaunch like i was bracing for maybe 10 people to care yeah we had 12 and that meant a lot no but you guys have all

been uh so fucking awesome it's cool to see how many of you are somehow still alive. And what we're doing is we're doing 10 episodes. That's the plan currently. Yeah, we're locked in for 10. Anything after that is in the breeze, but we're committing to 10. And we've got a live show as part of that 10. That's going to be at the Third Wheel in Hollywood, October 20th at 8 o'clock. Halloween, you wanted it, you got it.

Yeah, it's happening i saw someone's already looking at flights from canada so i appreciate people making ill-advised life decisions to come see i get the emails from who buys tickets and somebody who lives in alaska has already purchased tickets so either we made 20 bucks and have two empty seats or somebody's about to make another dumb decision on behalf of this dumb show god damn that's the power of pines all baby and i've had a couple people ask me who's gonna be on halloween uh we don't know He's about to make another dumb decision on behalf of this dumb show. Goddamn, that's the power of Pinesaw, baby. And I've had a couple people ask me who's going to be on Halloween. We don't know yet.

I will say this, though. I don't know if you guys saw that I posted this in the Discord. I put a Facebook status up announcing the show was coming back, and Steve Ranazzisi commented on it. But he was already here for 9-11. I want to try and get Steve to do Halloween. I would love that love no promises to anybody but i am gonna ask him and we might be able i'm not sure we'll be able to get him these days but

we might possibly be able to get ramsey bedaui oh i've gotten way more comments about ramsey than about steve no one has asked for any of our famous guests back no they want the 9-11 guy and ramsey and that's it they want a boutique experience somewhere steve is listening he's like i had nine seasons of a fucking tv show i'm one of your favorites what's funny is i went back i love that every episode is going to start with us talking about steve now we love steve i went backwards where i just knew him from the 9-11 thing and like stand up and then i started watching the league after all that shit happened I'm like oh this show's actually good it's a funny show it's just a joke then show

about fucking scumbags what can we have in common and I think we all can all agree it's what Steve will be remembered for for the rest of his life I think that's all the house unless there's any housekeeping shit that we missed make sure you

send us your questions at mean boys podcastcast.gmail.com or on twitter instagram at mean boys podcast and leave us a voicemail at 804-818-6326 that's 804-818-MEAN yeah and a shitload of you got the message on that because we have a lot of voice way more voicemails than i expected i realized that we acted as kind of like a better help type service for lonely truck drivers that needed to kind of vent about their transgender niece i saw somebody commenting the thing they're like well i was gonna go to therapy since uh not a show ended but now mean boys is back so i can push that off for a little long hell yeah we're happy to delay your growth methadone for growing up yeah yeah it is fun that so many of you came out also it's not twitter and instagram anymore it's uh x and threads no instagram is still instagram i saw you signed up for threads i i

signed up like the second day i just didn't post until the other day and then i saw a bunch of notifications through shared accounts we have tom posted for the first time on thread i did a show that night and my friend kazim was like oh wow threads made sure to tell me it was your first time posting on threads is so excited for you to be had on their platform threads is like two weeks later somebody remembers we did this yeah i think feel like threads is going the way of google plus there was a lot of excitement that turned into a whole lot of nothing. Yeah, I don't know. I'm done with change.

Okay, that's enough of our hot Threads takes. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. I'll take us away this week. Do it. Five women clogged a toilet at a Florida restaurant and fist-fought the employees. The arresting officer said, officer said much like that toilet i'm not gonna take this shit anymore florida you gotta love them i've learned that uh the reason there's so many crazy florida stories

is that they have looser laws about what they can report of like happening so just the more ground level like goofy crimes just get into the press. And God bless it for monologue joke writers. I love that story because what I think happened is girls are so weird about pooping and ever being perceived as people who poop. So I think they took a shit and they're like, all right, we need to draw focus from the big shit. And they orchestrated the fight. Start a riot. So January 6th happened too actually actually in a similar

similar mindset a woman set fire to an orange county target to create a distraction to steal baby formula in other news key's mom's parenting book is being read and understood what to demolish when you're expecting yeah i thought that was like such a great news story that the person was like i know i'll cause $500,000 of damage so I can steal, I don't know, $80 in baby formula. How bad are you at shoplifting that you need this much of a fucking smoke screen? Yeah, she obviously didn't read Keith's mom's book because Keith's mom got away with it. Yeah, that's true. My mom has the first book that came out in paperback and in Kindle and on the wall of a truck stop bathroom, which is pretty impressive.

It's called What to Steal When Someone Stole Your Pussy. She's the John Grisham of places you suck dick for $9. All right, I got one. The crew of a passenger ship pushed a man to his death. Now, we make a lot of jokes here on Mean Boys, but there is nothing funny about this man who was drowned by fairy semen. Nothing funny about the fact that an overwhelming amount of fairy semen caused him to take fluid into his lungs. Nope.

That's a sad day for America, everybody. Yeah, you're a bad person if you thought that was kind of funny. All right, gang. Wild radioactive pigs are wreaking havoc in Germany, which is weird because Keith and Tom are right here. I have become death. Porkenheimer.

Porkenheimer is pretty great. Bhagavad Gita. One guy in Nagasaki just looking up. That's all, folks. A dog escaped and roamed around the Atlanta airport for three weeks. TSA never stopped the dog because it was never holding more than three ounces of fluid. Amazingly, I have a dog airline story showdown. Oh, okay.

Different story. This is one of the animal facts that Tom knows is the size of a dog's bladder yes uh the crew or no that's i already did that joke uh a couple filed a complaint after spending a 13-hour flight next to a drooling farting dog the faa apologized and confirmed the dog has been euthanized by an air bud marshal there's nothing in the rule book that says i can't kill this dog in this airplane. No, there's like a few. Oh, never mind, I guess. I still think about when me and you did Alaska and we flew out in first class.

We came back and there was a dog sitting in our seats. It was pretty indicative of how we did it the fast. Yeah. You have been bumped by a dog. Yeah. I one time sat next to Mario Lopez on a Southwest flight Coming back from this music festival I was writing for

Oh hell yeah I copped the middle seat quick And they took the bulkhead too And I was sitting between him and his daughter And I realized very quickly that I was texting About sitting next to Mario Lopez and his daughter And Mario Lopez's daughter was texting about me Texting about her

I just see her like There's some loser next to Mario Lopez and his daughter, and Mario Lopez's daughter was texting about me texting about her. I just see her like some loser next to me. Excited about dad. It's my turn? Yeah. Kanye West is being sued by his project manager for asking him to build a, quote, unsafe bat cave. Kanye

told him, relax, it's not even as unsafe as the bat cave between Kim's legs no it actually sounded sick he's like I want a house where there's no there's no stairs you just go in through ramps and there's going to be no candles and there would only be generators in there and the guys like the generators will fill the apartment with gas and kill you and he's like do it I love the idea because you refer to it as an unsafe bat cave i like the idea that they're like well kanye we looked at your plans and we've got a model for a safe bat cave hang on writes on i want these emergency exits out i want these fire poles in the irony

if somebody became a nazi and then gassed themselves to death the guy apparently thought he was building an art project and then he was like, whoa, you want to live in this? I thought this was a bit. You know your divorce is going bad when you're acting out through architecture. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Police stopped a Nebraska man

who had a bull riding the front seat of his car. When he was pulled over, he explained, this happens all the time. It was just my wife. A good old my wife joke. He didn't push the button that made his bow tie. Exactly. All right.

Oh, it's Keith. Yeah, it's me. A man beat up his ex-girlfriend after she sent a text mocking his penis. The woman is recovering and released a statement saying, oh, now this tiny dick motherfucker knows how to beat the pussy up she then added tiny dicks have probably caused more crime than poverty and uh for ronald reagan yeah if you get

so mad about somebody insulting your dick that you need to hit a woman you better kill her because she lives you're still gonna have a small dick and she's gonna tell even more people well everybody now knows this is the tiny dick guy yeah because now i know and i didn't know about your dick before if he ever wants to get a job again he's got to have a really awkward 20 minute conversation about yeah i was the tiny dick guy that was a long time ago in my life i've grown a lot as a person although my dick has remained the same size nobody cares about him hitting a woman, but they're really concerned about the dick size thing. I don't know if this Ross Dress for Less can have a small-dicked security

guard. Everyone has hiring process the same way the NFL does. You can hit a lady as long as you've got a big dick. Walmart's not really in the man clit. No, I'd be like, tell us about this felony. What happened? Well... Small penis. Alright, gang. A town was flooded with 2.2 million liters of wine when a distillery leaked finally white girls know that somewhere where it's wine

o'clock it's wine o'clock there i've been thinking about making my own wine okay explain out of what in what i remember when you made your own cold brew out of literal trash and it was fucking delicious it was some of the best coffee i've ever had in my life old tom's edible compost heap tom had like two carved up jugs and a paper towel tube and like some saran wrap and he was making the this like super distilled dank potion so you want to make your own wine i I support it. You were like doing to coffee what Kevin Costner does to his own urine at the beginning of Waterworld.

What I really want to do is make my own whiskey, but the distillation process is really dangerous, so I figured I'd start with wine, which anyone can make wine, then beer, then work up to whiskey. Don't you have to have a big pressure cooker thing? That's why those stills blow up? Yeah. Well, you got to have decent... Yeah, you got to know a big pressure cooker thing like that's why those stills blow up yeah well you yeah you gotta have decent yeah you gotta you gotta know what you're doing which according to goo here's the thing in america they're like oh it's super dangerous but everyone

in europe was like we do this all the time you just have to like you have to pay attention but like it's like nuclear power they're like why don't you just put the toxic waste someplace where there's no kids playing one guy did it wrong so now no more for anybody yeah there's an excellent a and e reality show called moonshiners that was just about the last remaining hicks making moonshine and trying to evade the police and uh if you're really if you're really looking to kind of turn your brain star brain off on a pawn stars level high quality that sounds pretty well are you gonna make it in the toilet like a prison? No.

Okay. Don't ask like it's a crazy question. No, I'm going to make it. You're not going to follow this up with, no, I'll make it at my vineyard. No, you can buy a, what's it? Not the mash. That's beer.

I think it's mash, isn't it? Sour mash? I believe it's made of grapes. No, it's made of grapes. But you can get, especially this time of year you can get like 10 pounds of grape wine or uh wine grapes for like a dollar and okay then you just gotta like stomp on them a bunch you just gotta kick the grapes until they're up. Is Tom stepping on grapes in a Little Caesars box? Tom, what have you been up to?

I'm thinking about turning fruit into shoes. Yeah. God, if we could bottle and sell Tom Goss brand wine, I think it would be the biggest. There already is Tom Goss wine. It's just a different Tom Goss. Wait, what? There's a third Tom Goss? There's a bunch of them.

Yeah, there's one in NorCal. I don't know his deal, but he makes wine. Because it's Tom Goss. The name on the wine is Tom Goss. Occasionally people send me photos of it. There's the gay country singer. There's like an orchestra director dude in like Australia. There's a politician.

All of them pretty conservative, which is interesting. Even the gay guy? No, I don't know his deal. I meant the politician is very conservative. I would love to have the first Tom Goss conference where you guys just, we had a meeting of minds. Being Tom Goss-evich? Welcome to the G12 summit.

Shoulder pants, shoulder pants, shoulder pants. No, you talking to the wine guy like, you're in the food business. Let me tell you about an idea i've got the cone zone i love that all of you have the name and not one other goddamn thing in common yeah that that kind of what it seems like whenever i look it up i think there's another tom guys doing comedy now too in like oklahoma or some well we got to kill him like that yeah that can't that can't abide yeah well only if he gets funnier than me we gotta kill them you're up oh it is me

good um the coast guard arrests a man for trying to run in giant inflatable hamster wheel across the atlantic in other news i need to stop drinking near the ocean implying you were in the hamster wheel yeah it sounds like something i'd do you know i actually across the Atlantic. In other news, I need to stop drinking near the ocean. Implying you were in the hamster wheel? Yeah, it sounds like something I'd do. You know, I actually had a story. The Coast Guard arrested a man

for trying to run a floating hamster wheel across the Atlantic Ocean. The arresting officer said, Mr. Goss, you have to podcast with me at once. Yeah. Oh, shit.

I'm bummed I don't have one now. Let's do this. I'm gladmed I don't have one now. Let's do... I'm glad we both thought of you. Yeah. A man died trying to hike the entire Grand Canyon in one day. On the plus side, at least the family saved on not having to dig a grave. Just roll them right in there. Oh, that's good.

World's biggest grave. Yeah. All right. Taking us home. 75 crocodiles escaped from a breeding farm During a Chinese flood 75 alligators is also the pussy you get For doing jihad in alligator heaven

I'm a croc bar Yeah, 75 Crocodile Virgins Osama bin Jampin Alright Look at all this untouched alligator pussy Origins. Osama been chomping. All right. Look at all this untouched alligator pussy.

All right, guys. We'll see you in alligator heaven right after this. Wait, we got more jokes. Oh, we do? You went first. Oh, fuck. Sorry. I was just like, I didn't fuck both of you.

Yeah, no. I was just like. You dare follow alligator pussy? Just trying to make a clean throw to break, fellas. No, we should have interrupted you better. But I was just like, this is a smooth segue. A Florida police officer got fired for pulling a gun on a swimmer at a public pool for no reason.

His commanding officer explained he should have known not to do that. We don't pull guns on people who know how to swim. Oh, shit. Ooh, Tommy Goss. Nice. Don't throw to the sketch yet. I got a hate crime to commit.

All right. Ex-NFL player Adam Pac-Man Jones was arrested this week. Dozens of journalists snapped photos of the athlete in handcuffs as Pac-Man did his perp walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka walka I'm Garth Benghazi, owner of Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls. America's number one wholesaler of shit with a Punisher Skull on it. Punisher Skulls. If you're a regular American, you believe two things. Transgenders want to eat your kids, and anything without a Punisher Skull on it sucks shit.

That's why I opened Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls. We believe the Punisher Skull is a powerful symbol. A statement to the world that says, my dick doesn't work, and it's Mexico's fault. Boo, Mexico. We got everything. Punisher Skull is a powerful symbol. A statement to the world that says, my dick doesn't work and it's Mexico's fault. Boo, Mexico. We got everything. Punisher Skull hoodies. Punisher Skull t-shirts. Punisher Skull MAGA hats. That's the kind of stupid bullshit you idiots love. Get yourself a set

of Punisher Skull truck nuts and remind everyone on the road which part of a cop you'd let bounce off your fucking forehead. Lick that boot. We even got Punisher Skull baby onesies. Let the world know this is my American son who will one day grow We'll see you next time. Comic Sans. Label your hat. Commemorate your nephew who OD'd on fentanyl. Do whatever you want. I don't give a shit. This weekend's our biggest sale of the year. The Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls, Punisher Skulls, get off my lawn, Stravaganza.

The first hundred customers through the door get a meet and greet with that guy who choked that other guy on the subway. If you spend $500, we'll take you around back and let you deep throat a marine. Or maybe he's in the Coast Guard. I don't remember. Who cares? Fuck you. Open up, you stupid little pig. Swallowed valor.

Bring the whole family. We got minions for the kids. Don't worry. They're not the woke ones from Universal Studios. They're the weird ones from the Facebook memes who always talk about how America was better when we were dropping nukes and not letting Asians vote. We've even got custom Punisher comics.

We've replaced all the social commentary and nuance with pictures of Jason Aldean pretending to be poor. You'll love you fucking moron punisher skulls punisher skulls punisher skulls conveniently located in the town you were born in will die in and will never comprehend the world outside of and the mean boys podcast returns uh to bring back one of our favorite games one of the earliest uh mean boy games we ever played a little game of porn commenter yelp review this is the worst indian place in brentwood fuck yeah yeah oh i thought we had the little oh no we maybe we just do we what's up it's not a big deal we don't all right well never mind just imagine the... Pretend you heard some fuck noises, and you'll get it.

No, we still have it. I'll drop it. The frequency you hit on that last sound truly bothered me. On like a molecular level. Of course, of course, of course, of course. You sound like a cat being fucking power drilled to death. Pow, chicka, wow. Tight. Well, the rules of the game are easy.

I give you a comment. You tell me. Still the soundboard. I am the soundboard. And I've got clips up as well. You guys will be able to hear them but not see them because no platform will let these exist. So number one, I think you burned your pizza, dude. Porn comment or Yelp review.

Ooh, that's gotta be a porn comment. Um, because it just, it doesn't fit into the narrative of a Yelp review. Like this was a vote. This fucking sucks. Well, I think you burned your pizza, dude. Like it just, it doesn't quite sound like a part of a entitled rant to me. Yeah. So I'm going to say, yeah, I think it's also porn because yelp no one thinks on yelp

they know on yelp yeah i know you burnt your pizza dude i am the pizza doctor yeah uh yeah no one on yelp has ever been wrong or no but you pizza fascist. I will learn nothing and die furious at this Burger King. Yeah, so I think whereas, yeah, someone probably forgot to take the pizza out of the oven because they're fucking their mom or whatever. It's like, that makes sense, yeah. One guy's like, I'm pretty funny. I know about cooking while I'm jacking off.

Did you ever know it's legal to fuck your stepmom? Pornos drop storylines. You know, they have loose off did you know it's legal to fuck your stepmom pornos drop storylines you know they they've loose ends you know right what happened to that quiche mom was baking before she started sucking his dick not every plot hole in porn gets to be filled at the end uh you guys are right that's a porn it's from a porn called triple anal now here's the thing i i included this for a reason i put this pulled this up and it's some of the most apathetic fucking i've ever seen uh but i figured out it syncs to a weird music cue really well so i just want to show you guys something real quick oh yeah let's see it

or hear it oh god oh god that's double vaginal isn't't it? Triple anal, as the title would tell you. Oh, that was fucking filthy. I didn't do it. Oh, you didn't make that? Oh, no, I made that. I didn't make the porn, but I did find a way to rip Pornhub videos. So I could put the Wile E. Coyote act music on.

He's like, I've found way new ways to get terrible viruses on my computer. Oh, yeah. As soon as I did it, I'm like, I have no idea what I've done. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they're going to be triple penetrating your files soon. All I have is shit like that.

They're going to be fine. Oh, no, my porn has invaded my porn. I've never hoped that you died in an osama bin laden fucking scandal house more so that we can have your entire computer just all these videos like yeah uh all right number two quote no spice no passion both exclamation points porner yelp that's a tough one see go it going back to what i said porn thinks yelp they know right it's yelp i i love this unifying theory of yelp that you've developed i think it's a strong one and i have to agree this does sound i can hear this entitled rant i think that's a yelp review right answer

that is a yelp review of don carlos taco shop oh i miss those guys they're also they're raw i mean it's a yeah that yeah that's absolutely wrong there's tons of passion tons of flavor yeah no it's nothing but passion yeah one of the way it also has like meat and stuff like it's one of the best burritos in the world well i talked to that guy and the passion he was like i use the waffle fries instead of regular fries in my california burritos because it holds the sour cream together better and i'm like that's a motherfucker who cares about my burrito experience yeah he had more opinions on burritos than i've ever had on anything yeah yeah and you have so many opinions on burritos too i'm entitled about my burritos uh number three quote and this is in all caps, Beyblades, let it rip.

This is someone pulling anal beads out of a chick's ass. 100%. This is a porn comment. Okay. I probably wrote it. Yeah. Because I was a Beyblade watcher when I was a young man. I'm ashamed to admit.

I never got it. Was Beyblades a show? It was a show, and you had the little tops you could get i remember the tops i didn't know that there was like lore i got some of the tops and i was trying to get my neighbors into it and they're like connor you're gay g-a-y was it like a show like like a yugioh type thing it was exactly like a yugioh type thing where this top has this kind of core and then a magic dragon comes out and fights the other guy's magic dragon and okay it's all a lot more involved,

and then they just kind of go, ping, ping, ping, ping, tong. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a very exciting fight. It's fun. You know, it's something to do. It's not homework. Yeah. They're like metal tornadoes.

You're getting poetic about it. Damn. The steel tornadoes vie for dominance So This neither knows something Or asks a question It's just a statement referencing something That used to be

And only real 90s kids are super deep into porn So I'm gonna say I'm gonna say porn That is porn I'll show you guys a quick clip Oh hell yeah I want to say porn. That is porn. I'll show you guys a quick clip. Oh, hell yeah. Called Raw Uncut Passionate Sex.

Not a creative title. I noticed that the name is Suki Suki Girl. Wait for it. Accidentally pulled this back a little further than I needed. Oh, shitty. This is a full 360 without ever leaving her vagina. I've never seen that move before. Yeah, I showed that to Jordan and she pointed out,

you can tell that she looks down because she is about to laugh at this dude doingour and her fucking snatch yeah I've never seen a a fuck you cartwheel before fart wheel because yes yeah uh oh that was in her ass I'm just saying it to justify the fart pun oh yeah I don't actually know which hole he's in I'm not a doctor we have a journalistic integrity here in this podcast Keith I'll print a retraction for the game. Number four, quote, this guy's trying to be all tough, but he's hysterical. This is a Yelp review of the bar that Tom works at. I'll tell you preemptively, it's not that, because I did try to find a Tom-based review,

and it seems like they were all scrubbed. Tom has been completely redacted from his bars. Yelp page the man in black. Sorry, can we can we minimize the port? I'm just a little giant dick off of ads. I got to tell you guys, I spent like 20 minutes

before you got here being like this is so cool I can do like visuals with the game now and you guys have looked so bummed out I forget that this game does turn into me just showing you pornography yeah which is yeah it's like hot but like you know

yeah I mean as an athlete I'm impressed by that last guy actually i'm impressed by that um actually i'm impressed by that last girl because i don't know what shift she had to do in her vagina like i don't know how that happens yeah you gotta have a real hard dick to spin around 360 on it doing they're doing like lazy doggy with the girl laying down on the bottom of the guy just on top and he just did a full 360 from head around to head around with his like feet on top of her head at one point at the apex of the turn. I've never had a boner I trusted that much.

No. Like the flip around pole vault scenario. Like I was just watching that going, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I did watch that. And like at one point when he's completely facing the wrong way, I'm like, okay, just doing that seems like it might be kind of interesting. Reverse cowgirl for the man. Yeah. Reverse cowboy.

What was the review again uh this guy's trying to be all tough but he's hysterical oh i'm gonna say yelp okay i'm the up okay that is a porn comment that is from a video that i promise i will not show you called baseball bat anal lesson you're not gonna show it you know what i'll show you the first five seconds but it's nothing's going in anybody I want to I want to show you the tough guy in question okay all right let's see how tough this motherfucker really is imagine a guy with the toothpick in his mouth and one of those those hats although anybody with a baseball bat in their ass is tougher than me oh my god describe this man white Tyson uh he's got Mike Tyson's fucking tattoo he doesn't look yeah oh boy he's dressed like a mobster in a mad tv sketch yeah it's like a party city guys and

dolls costume yeah this look i'm gonna be honest when i look at this the first thing i thought is like this is what luis gomez thinks he looks like this is yeah this is a-Malone before he grew out the hair. This is pre-Malone. Yeah. Louis Gaye Gomez. Nice. All right, number whatever. Quote, no more nerds talking. They're not rock stars.

They're college graduates with social anxiety. Wait, one more time? No more nerds talking. They're not rock stars. They're college graduates with social anxiety. This could very easily be a review of any bar trivia night. Yeah, I mean. Because those people act like gods.

Right. Yeah. And porn stars, I don't care what the plot is. They're not in college. So I don't think it's that. I'm going to go Yelp. Can we minimize? This is an ad of one cartoon going down on another cartoon i'm sorry

or like a cartoon gif of a guy getting his dick sucked that just said better than hookers i mean probably like a cartoon character uh no i mean it's just not like an it was like an ad for a service that was better than hookers okay Oh, okay. I thought it was a cartoon pussy. I don't know. Was it that? A hooker that gives you a pizza? Yeah. Ah, pizza hook. Yelp.

You're on Yelp? Yelp. Okay, that is Yelp. That is for BattleBots Live in Las Vegas. Next one, quote, women should not take Trenbolone, which I will say Trenbolone is a powerful steroid. Hello, my name is Trenbolone.

I am the powerful steroid that make the women very skinny. I keep you so thin, so wet. I make you very thin. Waverly. My name is Tran Ballone. Do you want to be all Ballone with me? I know that you do. Yeah, women should not take me.

I'm very dangerous. I am worse than Ozambique. I don't know where that guy's from. But I want to live there. Women shouldn't take Trenbolone. This sounds... What is it? What drug is it? Is that again?

It's a steroid. It's a steroid. You know, maybe that sounds like a porn comment for like a big old buff chick some guy being mean yeah that i i'm trying to think there are see but yeah it's obviously a buff chick the question is is she railing some dude or is she at a gym interesting i'm gonna i'm gonna switch it up i'm gonna go jim all right that is a porn comment uh from a video called brooke diesel has new new new boobs brooke diesel has new boobs i won't

make you look at them but they're horrifying uh next quote apparently they don't want lesbian money oh this now this sounds like something a lesbian would write on yelp yeah this is i i think yeah all right that is yelp that is for fatty patties uh why would lesbians not want wait why would lesbians be in indiana yeah that's a good question i don't know they couldn't escape before the fucking the cage went up a terrible fucking mishap yeah yeah well we people got to know what fatty patties is important that was there's a strip club that's supposed to have a bunch of BBW strippers in it. We found out about it in Texas, and it was all the way in Indiana, and we were going to go up there on tour.

And the whole fucking trip from Texas to Indiana, we had visions of big fucking booty sugar plums dancing in our heads. And then we get to Fatty Patties. Well, hang on. First we learned, the friend that told us to go, first we learned it's not called Fatty Patties. No. I forgot what it's called.

It's just called Patties. Yeah. We kept Googling Fatty Patties and it didn't exist. Right. And then, sorry, I wanted to add that detail. No, I forgot about that. That is true. It's just colloquially known as Fatty Patties. Yeah. And then we get there and there's like three depressed strippers and one guy with no money. I do remember a stripper dancing and then going up to the one guy and being like, have a dollar. And he went, nah, walked out.

And then we text. It was Keith Ray told us about it. We text him. There were no fat chicks. And he goes, the big ones come at night. The big ones will come. All right. Two more.

Quote, white people destroyed the whole world and took all the land resources. Oh, this is so out of left field. It's got to be a porn comment. Because, like, what is this, a review of, like, the UN headquarters? No, Pier 1, the whitest place in America. Oh, shit, that's really good. Wait, where? Pier 1.

Pier 1 imports. Oh, Pier 1 imports. I'm going to yell. The wicker furniture of the colonizer Alright that is a porn And I want to show you there's no sex in this But I'm going to show you just the first 5 seconds of this porn Before I tell you the title Don't look at the screen for a minute

Okay Averting my eyes Waiting for Keith to pull up pornography again Alright you guys ready? Yeah. Oh, it's Burn Booth. Oh. Oh.

KKK to Le Incesto. Yeah, it's an Italian KKK incest porn. Oh, my God. Which I tried to, I scrolled through it just trying to see how much of the plot I could track down in Italian. It seems to have the same ending as the movie old boy and that's all what so about leaving this on the screen feels weirder than leaving the porn yeah what we saw gang was the fires of hell and then a klansman emerged through them and then of course the title kkk2 le incesto i do like that I do like that there's like spaghetti westerns

and there's spaghetti jizz and spaghetti porn. All right, last one. Quote, keep hanging around fast food outlets and you could gather a harem in a week. That's a comment from my comedy special. That is correct. I believe responding to my joke about my love for the bbws indeed it is uh yeah that is a comment from your uh comedy special we were talking about uh and this is a segue to the sketch we were talking about bbw highway the other day yeah uh the fuck which if you if you don't live on the edge, BBW Highway is a BBW porn site that me and Connor are both fans of.

And one night I was listening to the drive soundtrack and getting ready to jerk off. And I had a weird I want to be clear. That's not how I usually prep. Like, I don't put on my jacket with the Scorpion, my fucking fingerless jacking gloves. But I was doing that and I was like you know it'd be a funny thing to do is write a theme song for bbw highway and uh i'm gonna share it with you guys here and i am going to send this they do have a contact page so i'm gonna send this song to bbw highway fuck yeah and see if i can get him to use it in one video i don't want to tell him it's from mean boys because i don't want him to realize that it's a comedy thing. So it will be coming from a new band called Daft Chunk.

So, yeah, enjoy BBW Highway and we'll be back with the fucking mailbag. There's a road where legends go in the dead of night. A road that leads to passion. A road that leads to passion. A road that leads to desire. A road they call... The BBW Highway. Cruising online and the night's getting late. I have an urged jerk and it cannot wait. I need some babes, some freaky patties

Not normal size, I get hard for fatties Keep your skinny supermodels My girls wiggle when they waddle When I hear the sound of a ranch dressing bottle I unzip my pants and I hit the throttle Taking a ride On BBW Highway. They've got the hottest whoppers

and they let me have it my way. Only real men can handle this road because it's got dangerous curves. Like medically dangerous where you might not fit on a roller coaster. Chubby in the front and sweaty in the back. Those are the girls that make me want to jack. Ten pounds of fine in a two-ton sack. Honey-baked honeys look like a snack.

Let me get lost in your luscious flaps. Sit on my face and make my spine collapse. I don't care about your gout or your diabetic sickness. Girl, you know I'm down with the thickness. Come take a ride down BBW Highway. They've got the hottest whoppers and they let me have it my way. Hi, welcome to Jack in the Box. Can I take your order? I'm looking for the woman of my dreams, a dairy queen to rock my world. Thick thighs save lives,

and brother, I'm drowning. I need some honking butt cheeks to carry me to the shores of ecstasy. Hang on, let me check. Hey, Mauricio, we got any super fat manic pixie dream girls in there? I don't know, man, this guy's asking me, so I'm asking you. Nah, man, we don't have those. We're jack-of-the-box. We got, like, cheeseburgers and stuff.

Oh, okay. Do you have those mini tacos? Hang on, let me check. Hey, Mauricio! No, it's not about the fat chick thing. Do we still have those mini tacos? Hang on, let me check. Hey, Mauricio! No, it's not about the fat chick thing. Do we still got the mini tacos? Uh, nah, man, sorry. Those are just a sometimes thing.

Then it looks like the road is coming. If it takes forever, I'll drive forever, riding those white lines and chasing those taillights like phantoms until I find my wide load rolling down the road out here on the BBW highway. Welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. It's time to fucking open up the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the Dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag. All right, there's been all these fun moments of discovery bringing the show back, and I forgot how hard that fucking mailbag jingle goes. Yeah, I had a full-blown dance party in my pants when that shit came on.

That shit goes hard. Yeah, I was just talking to fucking our our boy andrew hillary who made that uh the other day um but yeah let's get in the also we have a bajillion voicemails bajillion comments we're gonna go through some but if you don't get uh played on this one it's because we hate you yeah we have a personal vendetta against you we're gonna get to everybody uh but here's one from uh our buddy short bus murphy mean boys what's up short bus murphy here i couldn't fucking believe when i woke up early on 9-11 to clean some bugs and saw that the fucking show is back what a miracle it's been a wild couple of years since you last heard from your boy. I had Tom up there for some misadventures right after Halloween last time. And then, you know, COVID hit.

Got married. Paid off my house. Fucking rejoined my old jam band, playing bass now. Check me out. Adam Ghost. That's A-T-O-M, Ghost. Fucking started booking comedy at the Elk Lodge. I'm an elk now.

Didn't see that one coming. Uh, getting involved in a local theater restoration project and a lot of other local charities and stuff. Thinking about getting a van and turning it into like a mobile camper in case the old lady kicks me out. Fucking, uh,

this weekend, I think I'm'm gonna go drop some acid with you string cheese incident and uh also thinking about running for town council so you know got a lot of shit going on man but i'm so glad you guys are back i hope to keep it going for a while all right fuck everything got it said wow yeah what's up i'm gonna be part of the local government i'm gonna live in a car soon i'm anticipating a divorce i got married i'm planning on the divorce i want to see this campaign commercial he's the man with the plan and the van i've never heard someone more ambitiously doing nothing i was like getting the jam band back together like that's

fuck short bus murphy change you will regret well hey let us know about the campaign we'd be happy to lend you our support what we should do is like write campaign songs and like actively write attack ads against short that would be the better move well it probably might be the best way to get him some press we're just gonna become the roger stone of small town politics did you know that short bus murphy has left 58 one minute plus voicemails to an obscure comedy podcast what was short bus murphy doing on 9 11 was he honoring the country or was he calling three autists

all right uh let's play another one oh shit bickety bob holy shit i just listened to the episode back and i'm fucking just turgid with happiness it is biggity bob nor cal's legend who now lives in oklahoma and is now an over-the-road truck driver i'm gonna pause real quick i do love how many of our calls it like include what vehicle i am currently most likely to be found dead in. My current house slash mode of transportation is. So, fellas,

for the next one, I really hope we bring back Andrew Hillary's jingle. Goddamn right. For the Mean Boys mailbag, because he is still quite active on the old Instagram and Twitter. Still going. So, let's see.

When can I meet Tom Goss? Since I've met Connor twice and Keith like nine times and even Jordan once. When can I meet Tom? That's my question. When are you guys coming to oklahoma oh shit later fellas i went to sacramento and then you decided to move to oklahoma so i you know i that's on you bud you're a moving target i went to you and then you went elsewhere you went to what a public said on this show is i think my least second least favorite state what do you

mean his favorite uh indiana i think i think we've had we fought about this but i think my least second least favorite state what do you mean favorite uh indiana i think i think we've had we fought about this but i think i go indiana or oklahoma under indiana yeah i think so too at least indiana has six strip malls i also like that we are two for two on voicemails that have gone like so what's going on all the burning desire. Yeah, I finally get to ask you, sup? Yeah. Yeah. No, I'll try to stop avoiding you. Every time I ran into Bob at Sacramento, he would just ask where you were,

as though I was going to be like, all right, you caught me, he's in the bathroom. Like, I would tell him, like, Tom's not here, and he'd be like, I reject that as a statement of fact. Yeah. I also like that our voicemail autocorcorrected uh fellas to phallus and that it's also funny the amount of times that people have told me after shows are over that they were at a show a lot of usually it's a show where i'm like oh this i hate this show i'm

gonna kind of decide to phone it in and then afterwards i get a tweet like i was scared to say hi to you i was so nervous to approach the mighty goss. Yeah, yeah. All right, we got another one here. Hey, mean boys. Saw y'all a couple years back in Dallas, Texas. Since then, I got divorced. Just wanted to say thanks for coming back and talking. Yeah, I'm not allowed to call her, so I'm going to call you instead. You said that like it was our fault.

Yeah, like, well, the two things were clearly connected. Two of the three people, the first three voicemails are either about to or did get divorced which it does i mean yeah it does it doesn't not make sense that we attract the about to be divorced crowd i was saying before we started the show i forgot that our voicemail acted like is like a better help service for lonely podcast listeners or it's like i just need to get this off my chest i haven't left the house in 14 days yeah it's like phone sex for the concept of somebody caring about you yeah that's really what we are i miss her so much i mean yeah that that that that sucks i i don't know i i just haven't gotten married that's

why i haven't been divorced at least hey at least you yeah what what shakespeare say shot the jets in her face or what yeah you did it you did it it didn't work out which play is that from uh i don't know brothello yeah brothello yeah no i'm i'm riffing poorly right now but what the important thing is is uh things will get better or they won't i don't know anymore i'll give i'll give you the advice that my dearly departed friend Nathan Camp gave me after a breakup. You have to imagine your ex getting fucked by dozens of black guys. That's what he said was the best way

to get over a breakup. That makes sense, because then you have nothing to fear. You've just pictured the worst case scenario for your insecurity. is that the idea is am i missing it uh you know he all he said as a follow-up was that shit's medicine con man all right fucking uh let's play this one oh where'd it go i like that you just admitted your biggest fear is black guys no no i I thought that was the point he was making.

It's like, oh, you picture your ex getting fucked really well by a bunch of very manly dudes. I think that's basically the idea. Yeah. It could have been a bunch of... That's what I thought, too, and then you guys looked at me like I was crazy.

No. It could have been a bunch of Urkels. We didn't say what kind of black people these were. You're getting fucked by a flock of Urkels. Donald Glover laying it down. Oh, shit. I do not want to open the airplay with what we've been doing here. All right, here we go.

You assholes. I was listening to the Spotify shuffle of news, Bach, cello suites, and flair, and suddenly a new episode shows up. I mean, I'm glad, but you disappear through the entirety of covid and now you come back i just got i just got resigned to the idea of you being gone yeah this is the guy who went to jail and called you no connor i didn't strangle anyone i took a plea deal because i tried to take care of someone who drunkenly fell into furniture knocked me out when i tried to get

her to the hospital and and then just let the police take their own little foray down to... I'm sorry, this is fabulous. All right, here's what we know about this colleague so far. Number one, he definitely did something bad in Violet. And number two, he's mad at us for some reason. Well, I just like that this is now evidence in this ongoing court case. If someone is keen enough to find it. Your Honor, if it pleases the court, we'll fast forward past all the weird porn shit.

So did the furniture do time too? Let the record show that mailbag jingle did indeed slap. Basically, I spent the last six years trying to get some sort of habeas corpus. The last year and a half of which involved finding out that there was a photo that proved I didn't do anything. And I was trying to do this all while I was off medication because I wasn't allowed to get it in there. So I'm glad to hear that you're back, but God damn. Yeah, there'll probably be a drunken version of this. But yeah, I tried to take care of. And got screwed over for it when she.

I need him to be more clear about what he means when he says take care of someone. Well, she was it sounds like she was drunk and he was trying to get her to the bed or what he had to get her right. And then she tripped on the furniture and thought it was him and then got in a fight. It does sound like, you know, you kind of got boned by the old legal system, man. I'm sorry to hear that. And I'm sorry if we made you feel bad riffing about your issue the last time. I do think, fuck, what was I going to say? I'll say something.

If you give us information, we are probably going to make fun of it. Oh, I just wanted to say, yeah, true. But when we were gone during COVID, when all this stuff was happening, and you looked down and you only saw one set of footprints in the sand, that was because we were ignoring you. We were elsewhere, away from the beach. Yeah. Failed to take forensics, and no one believes that a guy didn't attack a girl,

especially when the real story is that a girl attacked a guy who's 6'1", outweighs her by like twice her weight. I let her take a shot at me because it was the only way that she would get in the car. It was, she gets to hit me and I get to leave. She hit me in the left temple. It's, it would be a hilarious arrest video if it wasn't for the fact that it was so sad and they pulled guns on a guy who was unconscious. Anyway. Yeah. The reason why I locked onto you guys,

I don't know about the rest of the people that have the various and sundry reasons, but during that time, like, I was, I wasn't allowed in the county because she said she was scared of me. Shouldn't have been, but, you know, she's kind of projecting anyway. I was in the middle of the country alone with just my parents. And you're kind of dark. You have to laugh at the darkness, otherwise the darkness wins. And all the people that I had that I could do with that they all lived four miles away or four hours away four miles four miles would have been easy yep so yeah i focused in on you guys and that's why you were the only ones that you could you can't vent to people who love you

not when they're fragile my mom's on her Wait, when did I leave this voicemail? Man, I've never longed so much for the emotional simplicity of the Grampatron. Yeah. All right. I think the next one might be him finishing. Yeah, I ramble. Yes, I'm autistic. I'm on the spectrum.

What? Just enough that I'm on the spectrum. What? Just enough that I'm on permanent disability and I'm skating. Anyway, yeah, but you have to laugh at the darkness. And when you don't have anyone but people who are fragile, like I said, my mom had had, like, five back surgeries at now. I'm taking care of her on her ninth at this point. She couldn't take it. My dad had to deal with her and me. Yeah, these guys' moms keep getting this black......laugh at life with.

Does one of these buttons have a violin? You guys were the closest thing. You did a good job. It would have been nice if it wasn't as one-sided, but in the country, where do you find someone who can make jokes about Pantera? And, uh... Pantera?

You know, just everything that's wrong. Have we ever done a Pantera joke? And funny because if you don't laugh... I'm sure we made a Dimebag Darryl reference at some point. I'm glad you're back, but goddamn, really, you missed the entirety of COVID. You know COVID happened to us too right we didn't just go into the fucking cryo sleep pod from alien like we've been around yeah i had a whole other podcast you didn't listen to with tom

okay there'll probably be more random babblings but you know it's good to see you back you better not disappear again and i didn't do. And I'm trying to prove it. Wish me luck. Love you guys. This was the most codependent voicemail. God is dead. You better not leave. Good luck, bud.

I was innocent. Oh, boy. That voicemail could have very easily been from Kanye West. That was, look, I know we're dunking on you but like i'm i almost said i'm glad you're feeling better but i i don't know i might call that better uh i'm look i'm i'm glad you like the show and i'm glad we make you feel a little less i'm glad we make you feel less lonely um i'll i believe you yeah man we're we're team you you know i don't believe that other lady didn't leave us a voicemail yeah i don't believe you're autistic you're faking it yeah you're faking it no uh

yeah i don't that was that was a i got a little sensory overload on all the information you gave but uh yeah i'm glad that you're happy we're back and i hope things get better i think it seems like it's been a rough couple years i think that you were wrongly convicted in your conviction that you're good at talking we should i think it's really imperative you not represent yourself in court dude do not like do that i don't care how innocent you are dog find like a find a slick jew to like help you out of this one yeah you made yourself sound like sketchy larry like you could not have sounded guiltier and man let me tell you about this bitch man yeah all right hey me and larry did uh t-shirt one time for a love you know me i'm that weirdo who always uh post the bdfm pictures on YouTube. Oh, yeah.

I don't really have much to say. It's just a word I need to say. Glad you're back. Yeah, glad you're back. Hey. Nice long chunk. Oh, shit. I forgot.

Yeah. No, it's fucking that's uh glad you're back that's CJ who it was kind of funny because I kept tabs a little bit

on the Mean Boys discord while the show was gone and it was like there were a few people just kind of keeping the lights on and a lot of it

was just him posting pictures of his dick and like people he tied up like who were into it not like to the railroad tracks yeah

so I'm glad you're back, man. Yeah. Yeah. Keeping the dick pics flowing. All right. Let's do one more. Do one more. Get in the comments.

All right. Hi, mean boys. This here's Bucky from Kentucky again. Yeah. I'm real glad y'all are coming back. I've been building a house, doing all the work myself for the past year or two And it's just good To be able to listen to a podcast

While I'm up there running water in the rafters But I wanted to ask you a question Being out and about in the country I have had my fair share Of encounters with wild animals My buddy actually Threw a deer in the air Grabbed it by the horns one time, threw it up about four feet in the air, and landed in the creek. So that was pretty interesting. I have never had a situation with a large mammal, but I did have a 25-minute standoff with an Alaskan moose.

I was naked as a bird's-ass puck. The moose was naked as a bird's-ass puck, but we came to an agreement, and the moose i was naked as a bird's ass putt the moose was naked as a bird's ass putt but we came to an agreement and the moose moved on anyway my question for you is is the largest plant mammal you think you could defeat in combat i'm assuming tom's going to be true large but i wanted to know your thoughts and your opinions again i'm real glad y'all are back y'all have a good one come out to kentucky anytime all right bye why was it skipping and what i don't know why it was skipping uh what did he say what was the question so number one his accent was so thick that google voice thought that was spam the most powerful ai in the world went oh i don't know man yeah he's saying

what is the largest land mammal that you think you could defeat in combat? I do like that he had this weird shamanic moment where I was naked with the buck and the buck was naked with me. And we came to an understanding. We spoke into each other's souls and we were as one. We fused our butts together like Avatar. Anyway, I'm running from the police and I live in Winnipeg. Largest land mammal. He thinks you're going to pick a pretty big one.

I think I could take Bucky from Kentucky Oh Bucky from Kentucky I think he'd kill all of us at once I don't know he sounded sweet and thin You know A little bit of wispy energy Yeah I got big wispy vibes from him I think he's the largest land mammal I could take down

And this is in hand to hand combat I think that's the implication Hand to hoof, hand to paw If I have a big enough gun I can take down any land man I'm gonna go cow Yeah I guess that is probably correct And even then that'll be difficult

But I'll have to soothe it first Get on top, rear naked choke Oh That's a good point I was picturing you boxing the cow, like trying to knock it out. That would be way harder. No, sometimes you got to beat people with intelligence. No, I like to.

These cows are people. These people are cows. Well, and cows are pretty kind of docile once they're domesticated. So if you could just climb on its back and then just fucking surprise it with the rear naked choke, do you think you're strong enough to close the cow's windpipe? I think so. Oh, see, I'm not going to close his windpipe. I'm going to shut off its blood flow.

Oh. Is that different? Yes. I mean, is that a different amount of strength? No, no, it's more technique than strength. Now, the question is, are my arms long enough to get all the way around the cow's neck? That's a good question. I have very short arms because I think I can ride the cow.

I think I'll trick it with oats or something, whatever cows eat. Well, this is hand-to-hand. Oats count as a weapon here. You've got to do this with just pure animal husbandry. Your charms is what you've got to use to woo this cow. I'll woo the cow. I'll get on top of it. It'll probably freak the fuck out.

I will use my powerful quads to stay on the cow and sink in a rear naked choke. And then, therefore, stop the blood flow to its brain. Breaking news. Man killed by cow for first time ever. Mourned by few. Yeah. Raped extensively. Brothers, yes Yes we know

Cows are girls They still found a way It would be Like Cows Cows are tougher Than people give them Credit for

I didn't say I was gonna kill one Yeah I wouldn't want to kill one But if I had to And some sort of Bucky from Kentucky Thunderdome

Yeah If I'm trying to prove Bucky wrong Then Thunderdome. Yeah, if I'm trying to prove Bucky wrong, then that would probably be that, yeah. I don't want to overestimate my ability to kill a big mammal. Maybe like a pretty sick dog. Like a cat who one of his eyes is all fucked up. You could just step on him kind of thing.

I really need it to be previously damaged is what I thing. I really need it to be, like, previously damaged is what I need. I just need to be the finishing blow. I was thinking I could maybe take out a shitty coyote. Like, I could just kick him to death. Okay. A shitty coyote? Yeah, you know, like the weak one. Yeah.

Like the one that Scar doesn't hang out with. Fucking whatever, man. Yeah. Yeah. Coyotes alone or not that i mean yeah we could we could probably beat up okay i mean we'd take some damage but we could beat up a coyote the problem is they're rolling they're rolling crews oh and you gotta fuck you gotta fuck with his boys yeah because coyotes chase me sometimes when i jog and you gotta turn around you gotta shine a light at them show them Show them that you're not intimidated.

But if there's a bunch of them, it starts getting a little scary. So, okay, I'm really disappointed it took me this long to find that you've been fighting coyotes with flashlights. I'm kind of mad that you didn't tell me this earlier. Oh, I thought, yeah, no, when I jog at night, that's why I kind of stopped jogging at night, is because they'll follow you there's no animal that doesn't follow you

at some point it feels like a lot of your stories are about and then blank animals started this cat was following me this skunk was following me you know I just live where there are coyotes you know it's not like I'm and they're going what the fuck kind of dog

is this this is crazy are we supposed to eat it or worship it what is that yeah well i'm not very tall but they can feel my lack of fear i'm there to brawl with them if that's what they want it's on them you're gonna get hurt coyote yeah all i wanted to do was get some little bit of cardio in, but you're going to follow me. I'll take you down. Ramsey Bedawi says, do you guys plan on having Ramsey Bedawi on? Yeah, exactly. Nah, that's going to be a no for me, dog.

Yeah, we don't do no-name comedians on the show. No, of course we're going to have Ramsey on. Terry Ryan says, what have your other characters been doing since the show ended? All two of my characters? Three now. Trenbolone is an all-time. Trenbolone.

Trenbolone. I like the buff cheeks. They can hold me so tight. They are mucho dense. I have been in the poking nose, poking hose. I've been hanging out with Hunter Biden. Doing coke off a laptop, if you know what I mean. He likes the strong stuff.

Yeah. I don't know. Tammy's just Tammy. Tammy actually died three times, but she's still kicking. Good for her. I've got a bunch of hearts like how a cow has stomachs. I live forever. Death is temporary.

Life just keeps going and going and going like my ass. I got really into Overwatch. Yeah. Ace hole stormed the Capitol. Ace hole. It's not even politically. He's like breaking windows. Yeah.

Ace hole walking here towards the sun. Might as well be doing it. Smash fell. Died. So sad. Fuck. I felt bad. Somebody brought up officer money in the comments and i

was like i fucking forgot officer dude i saw that too i love the officer money i don't i what was his deal he kind of sounded like joe jack and he was he's the right to remain banked or whatever he was officer money he was a cop but with money keith it's not that complicated i know but and yet if i do it wrong it feels wrong but who have you arrested since the, you know, with all the financial scandals going on, Officer Money? Oh, everybody who made those NFTs, they went, that stands for not fucking, not going to jail. Officer Money.

Not fucking tight. Yeah. I choked out Martin Shkreli. I beat Sam Baikman Freed with a stick. It was like the George Floyd thing, but they threw me a parade instead. Yeah, and you heard from Carnock last week. You'll hear from a couple other favorites.

Yeah, you'll be hearing from Mark Malloy soon. Yeah, Mark Malloy's coming. I've almost figured out whether or not I'm a character on the show. You know, I think by the end of these 10, we might have that cracked. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still undecided.

Daniel Bott says, bring back the Southern lawyer foghorn leghorn accent. Well, your honor. I'm just a simple country lawyer. I do declare I've got a case of the vapors here in this here podcast room. I grew up in a shotgun house in the Appalachias, and I never was one for big city learning, but I do know

it's a time to be lawyer in here, in this here establishment. He kind of almost doing Italian. I'm a Mississippi. It's like when Brad Pitt has to be Italian in Inglourious Bastards.

Your Honor, that guy who called mean boys was clearly innocent, as you can see from all the times he said so. Your Honor, he didn't mean to call her a bitch, but when you look at the facts, I mean, come on. Your Honor, have you considered that she should have shut up

your honor she pushed him in the left temple he passed out now how is a passed out man supposed to beat up a woman it makes you tweak your suspenders and rage uh well just a lot of people saying we love the me uh mean boys mean boys are great i'm gay for mean boys um pull up one of the other. Sorry, there's so many comments to get through, but most of them are just people going, yeah, 9-11. I saw Ron Swallow commented,

how does it feel to go from Mean Boys to recalcitrant men? And I don't know what recalcitrant means. I assume it means mean, but you went to college. Oh, it's the steroids that that lady was on. She ran out of the Tremblone. That's the Luigi to Tremblone's Mario. I was noting recalcitrant off the French Alps. Okay, here we go.

Googling the... Oops. Sorry, I'm accidentally playing the fucking demo video. Oh, by the way, the videos that we posted uh i think i told you this but i forget or no i think i i told one of you guys so when we were sitting on the roof of pac pal shooting that video my ass was burning so bad and i felt like such a baby because i kept complaining about it and you guys were like fine even though it was hot no my ass was burning up okay because what i found out is that i had 50 cents in my wallet and it had gotten so

hot that it burned a perfect two quarterquarter-sized hole through my pants. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah, I literally torched my own ass. One time, it was like the middle of July when I was a little kid, and my dad was getting in his Honda Accord, and there was a dime that was sitting on the front seat of the passenger seat. And the dime burned his ass through his jeans so bad you could see alexander hamilton's face on his fucking ass cheek or thomas jefferson i think calvin coolidge on the dime i'm pretty sure you know sometimes your office of money sometimes the money offices you

who's on the dime uh franklin d roosevelt we're all wrong oh yeah hell yeah i'm fucking stupid officer money come arrest the whole show that was bad you're under for arrest for dimes against humanity oh you found it officer money is back baby a cab all cabs are bajillionaires uh okay here's a fun one. What was your worst or best first date with somebody? That's from Dominic DiMari. Have I ever told the story about the girl with the pots? I don't remember, but tell it again.

That's too vague and too specific use of a noun. I go to this drama festival, and I've got this con going where I don't have to do any acting because I'm the costume model, and I'm just modeling this costume of Julius Caesar the costume chicks are making. So I'm just hanging out at this festival dressed as Julius Caesar. And I meet this chick, and I'm kind of spitting games Julius Caesar, right?

And I'm in 10th grade, 11th grade. I just got my learner's permit. And we hook up on AIM, and we talk every night, and we kind of start this long-distance thing. And then eventually my parents are out of town, and i can sneak out of the house and i can go see her she lives up in like calabasas and i get to her place in calabasas and you walk in and the whole house was just full with clay pots like everywhere there was blank space on the ground there was a clay pot and it looked like one of those rooms in legend of zelda where you go and

smash all the pots and get the rupees right and uh I'm like what is going on with all these pots and she's like my dad makes them and I'm like is it his job and she's like well he's sold one of them and this guy had just quit his really high-paying executive job to be in a Buddhist cult and he was like in the house chanting like a weird like I'm numbshade I'm funky way to photo shinga and I'm like is that a cdhist cult and he was like in the house chanting like a weird like i'm numb shade i'm funky way to photo shinga and i'm like is that a cd and she's like no that's my dad chanting that's horrifying yeah and uh the whole date was just kind of awkward like we're just sitting there watching family guy while he was this buddhist guy was kind of glaring at me like with his daughter

i think we kissed by a tree it was just nothing it was like it was too weird at her at the crib yeah and it's like there's no way to make a move around the pots and the weird buddha dad because now i'm like well i know i definitely don't want to fuck with this guy's dancing to die you know what i mean like it's like you just raise the stakes on the dad you know it's like it's like a weird hippie version of like the weird racist obsessive like you know possessive dad yeah there's no coming back from that so that's probably my worst first date you got a memorable one tom oh i mean they don't really happen and when they do they're all so bad uh uh yeah i don't i've got one of you still yeah yeah and i might have told this story on the show

i i forget if i ever told you guys about the the Disneyland date that went awry not sure so when I was working at Disneyland there was this girl who uh I met when I was working at like the employee cafeteria and she would come in all the time we'd you know flirt a little bit or whatever and finally it was like oh do you want to like you know hang out sometime she was like we'll hang out at Disneyland because we got him for free it was a good date spot and we started hanging out and it just became clear this was the most annoying person i'd ever met in my life she was just like big time like adult disney kid but not in like the fun kind of retro way that i am just in like i'm seven but also i'm 20 yes like that kind of level and i just i kept trying to like shake her loose but she just kept wanting

to hang out and finally i was like i need an excuse so i uh i faked a phone call near space mountain it said my grandpa had died and she was like oh well what do you want to go on that like she didn't understand that meant i would be leaving i was like no the date will now be over on account of my deceased grandfather. But then we were taking the bus the same direction. So I literally just got off the bus 90 stops before I was supposed to. We just went to the movies alone.

That grandpa's actually dying now. And I was like, man, I got a lot of extra grandpa years. Wow, yeah. You could use that excuse. You worry when you fake a death of somebody for an excuse that they're going to die the next day and you you're gonna feel like you did it somehow someone i forget that some comedian had a thing about you got wads your weddings your anniversaries and your deaths these are your big excuses that you got to save yeah you know death's a big one but that's a time

to pull out a fucking big lie is when you're in the middle of an awful date yeah no i cashed that one i got out of that um right, we'll do one more question and we'll get out of here. Robbie says, what is an example of a costume you found to ride the line between being genuinely upsetting but also still kind of sexy? That's very specific. Oh, man, my ex was thinking about doing sexy Thanos

and I'm like, oh, shit. On the one hand, I was like, that's really fucking gross with the chin and the whole thing, but I'm like, it would be hot if you were purple. You put your balls in her hand and they just fused in the fucking gauntlet. I get jerked off by an infinity gauntlet. Yeah, I would get jerked off by a sexy Thanos. I'm surprised that hasn't already happened to you.

I've gotten jerked off by the gauntlet? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm surprised that wasn't in your list of demands. I go into every date with like a notarized list. My attorney's present. Sexy and upsetting. I just went to this Halloween like art fair thing with Jordan

and there was like a big thick chola dressed like a spooky clown whose job was ostensibly to like frighten you or whatever and she wasn't scary but she did make my dick do stuff dude i you just i forgot i saw this question i had an answer ready there was a show called pants off dance off remember that on fuse that was my jam where people would like take off their clothes and they would blur it but they would just be like dancing to a song right there was one chick who did a weird kind of sexy goth clown thing the sort of thick clown and uh i was like i remember i had that in the dvr and would jack off to that like one of my parents would just oh dude i like pants off dance off more than i liked porn yeah yeah yeah because i was like these look like girls i

know this was a mystery to it too you know yeah and fumes was like the cool kid mtv where you're like they play taking back sunday they're fucking rad yeah they get it yeah i i haven't seen this but i i think the uh uh fucking um oh what's his name the former vice president that could be joe biden no mike pence if someone could find a way to do a sexy mike Pence, that would absolutely be the perfect place. Do you want to come on my tits, mother? I'm terrifying. They can find a way to do it. There you go.

Yeah, that'd be a good one. But I don't have any good. You just got to get a buff guy with gray hair. Oh, I was seeing the girl. Oh, a girl doing a sexy Mike Pence. Ben can be hot, too. I'm socially conservative and anally juicy. My platform. Yeah. girl doing a sexy mike penn can be hot too i'm socially conservative and anally juicy my platform yeah i don't have a good answer do we have one more question i can find us one more question i feel like i've been bombing this it's it's very weird for me because everyone's like

well i missed you like i've been here i've been doing they're like yeah but i missed you doing the thing we like yes we got a bunch of comments i should have prepped this a little better that's uh my bad um oh you know what was fun and i'll i'll get us out of here on this because this is a fun little story so what i liked is that once the reveal happened and everybody kind of was like oh my god mean boys is back the whole discord turned into people just going like what have you guys been like they were all like catching up with each other or whatever and like so many people had kids or like got married or like bought a house or whatever uh but there was one really funny one i'd be interested to see if there's any couple that got together because they were me like there's one couple we saw in a couple different locations

that saw the shows and they kind of got together through the show if there's ever a baby that came about because of mean boys there's so there's the two people i know uh there's a couple in san diego i don't want to yeah yeah there's a wedding yeah but i know it was at least tangentially mean boys they got married they're still together one of the guy came to one of my shows i was like super happy to see him and then uh yeah there's a a couple out of michigan that met didn't know they both listened to the show found out later that they were both mean boys fans oh that's hilarious yeah so there have been a couple mean boys weddings which is

always like yeah it's weird it's weird yeah sometimes you live in a kitchen and it i can't find the actual post i was talking about but it was from a pose zombie and they got married uh him and his gal and uh he had pictures from in front of a haunted house because that's where they took their engagement photos and then he was like that night I also ripped my pants, got drunk and lost my keys and my parents told my entire

wedding that they conceived me at that haunted house. Which is maybe the best thing I've ever heard. That's pretty rad. Yeah, that's awesome. You got a spooky dick, dude. You let the world know my mom got fucked near Frankenstein. Which is maybe the best thing I've ever heard. That's pretty rad. Yeah, that's awesome. You got a spooky dick, dude. Yeah. You let the world know my mom got fucked near Frankenstein. And then she bolted.

Oh, that's the end of the reading, everybody. Those are the two shows. That's enough. We just ruined a perfectly spotless giraffe. That happened again. I couldn't think of it i couldn't think of a joke what do you mean it happened again it happened in nambia another spotless giraffe was born are you sure it wasn't the same story but a different like i'm not being a dick no literally the headline was another spotless giraffe is wow damn in nambia what a fucking biter

biter you bit the style of that first spotless giraffe oh yeah i'm like how much are we polluting giraffe habitats that this is yeah i was like that's fucking crazy i mean it's not a joke it's just big news for if you hate spots big news if you hate spots okay i think that's the show everybody yeah that's uh it grab your tickets for halamine uh october 20th uh in hollywood california the link is in our bio uh what does the voicemail 804-818 mean yeah so leave his voicemail send us an email send us an instagram send us whatever uh yeah i think that's it unless anybody's got anything to plug nope love you guys watch my new stand-up special live in tucson now on youtube hour of me doing comedy lots of fun it's good it's very good everyone should watch it

fuck everything god is dead Bye. you you