Mean Boys - EP 22 - Hammer Parrot (feat. Robin Tran & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Follow this week’s guests on Twitter Tom Goss (http://twitter.com/gossgoss6 / @gossgoss6) & Robin Tran (http://twitter.com/robintran04 / @robintran04) This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Hell’s Box Seat”, “Meanifestos”, “1940s Radio Promo” and a round of “Which of the Following” with Vince McMahon quotes. Video for Hell's Box Seat (https://youtu.be/BurPgBZLeTw) Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Robin’s album (http://robintrancomedy.bandcamp.com/releases) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) 9 LIKES SHARE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everyone, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Only the dead have seen the end of pain. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Robin Tran. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... Methadone Winnie the Pooh! Yay!

That was a good one. I enjoyed that. I welcome our go-to guest host, Tom Goss, and our first female guest, Robin Tran. Thanks, yes. First female guest who's present. That's right, being transgender is really good for audio. Yeah, you can't put a plus-size dress on your voice, can you? There's nothing tinny about it.

I love it. Yeah, when you do a girly voice, you really sound like fucking Bugs Bunny trying to seduce Elmer Fudd. Well, as you know, everyone, Keith Carey is still out of town because we hate him and don't care for his presence in our lives. So we've brought in Robin today. Hi, Robin. Hi. Hi. So,'ve brought in Robin today. Hi, Robin. Hi.

Hi. So, Robin, you're actually a fan of the show. You said you've listened to every episode. Listened to every episode, yeah. Do you have any feelings about coming in? Are there anything you're excited about, worried about? Yeah, I'm glad that Connor finally has an outlet to be a cunt to everyone, you know? I met Connor in 2012.

He's called Life, dude. He always wanted me to make fun of him but back then I'd be like hey your hair is dumb and he'd be like well I hope your family dies in a plane and I'm like oh well that's kind

of a unfair excessive Connor doesn't have what what Kennedy called a proportionate response yeah he just goes right to A-bomb I really think that me

and Joe are the JFK and RFK of cuntiness yeah so I'm glad he made it down before our time yeah well anyway A-bomb. I really think that me and Joe are the JFK and RFK of cuntiness. That's right, yeah. So I'm glad he met Joe. We've gone down before our time. Yeah. Well, anyway. Well, that sure went nowhere.

Let's get into the Mexican... Sorry. I'm sorry. Robin is a feminist blogger, so let's get into the Hispanic-American non-competitive humor fiesta. Ay, so topical. Spick riffs. Did you just call it spick riffs? Ah, yeah. I guess I'll get us started.

Okay. Broadband access has been declared a legal right of all citizens in Ireland. Broadbands, of course, being what they call the belts they use to beat their wives. Go ahead, Tom. Yes, Tom. I mean, it's okay. It's your first... Oh, it's not. You've done this three times.

More than anybody. Hey, we always change the circles. This is things that were said to women before they were fucking killed by inhaling paint fumes in a basement. Kate Blanchett is talking about joining an all-female remake of the film Ocean's Eleven.

The current working title of the film is Red Sea 10. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Okay. Oh, I have a stomachache. Oh, God. Alright. You're like stomachache. Oh, God. All right. You're like trying to long jump lead shoes. Here we go. A Connecticut police officer caught a fleeing suspect on foot when a passing motorist picked

the officer up and drove him ahead of the suspect. In other news, George Zimmerman reactivates his Uber account. A woman in Hong Kong fought off her rapist and then cut off his testicles and fed them to him. When reached for comment, the rapist responded by saying, it was horrible, I've never eaten something that was both ironic

and pixelated before. That is starting deep with an Asian poem. That was like a King Crimson song. It was long and there was just a lot of different elements, but I think I liked it.

Wow, okay. A Texas man slid his wife's throat and then shared a selfie with her bleeding on social media. Wow, okay. Heavens. I like how you said anti-Semites would use the app to halt, control, and delete. I like how you said anti-Semites. Like anti-Semites? Anti-Semites! I like your writing jokes with words you've only read before.

You did that with like Cate Blanchett. Cate Blanchett. Cate Blanchy Pants. Speaking of which, the grandson of the founder of Hamas came out of the closet, performs drag shows in New York, and encourages tolerance for the state of Israel. The father of Ramzi Badawi remarked, why can't I have a son like that? At UCLA, Manak Sarkar committed a murder-suicide shooting one of the three professors on his kill list.

The other two professors were off campus, so he shot himself when he realized he'd only be getting a 33% on his homicide assignment. I like it. Yeah, it's mediocre. I mean, I would say it's on the good side of mediocre. Oh, thank you. That was my fear. You know how you look on your best day?

Yeah. All right. A Stanford swimmer has been given a scant six-month jail sentence for raping an unconscious girl behind a dumpster. Women's rights activists say the sentence is too lenient, but he insists the assault was just a small breaststroke. Oh, Jesus.

This is particularly brutal. Oh, no. I'm just trying to get Robin fired from her blogging job so we can be friends again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like a sleeper cell in here, Robin? What's the deal? North Korea has tried to make a statement by sending balloons filled with poop over the border to South Korea.

There are other plans at war for it, including tee-ping, ding-dong, ditch, and telling on their parents. Yes. North Korea is a girl's sleepover. It's turned into a corrupt dictatorship. Five Fort Hood soldiers drowned to death in a fast moving Texas flood water representatives from ISIS announced surf's up in the name of Allah

Muhammad Ali has passed away at the age of 74 little known fact is that Ali had an evil doppelganger who went to Vietnam and famously said Viet Cong ain't got shit on me sorry wait what? it's funny because you think it's funny I don't get it at all and famously said, Viet Cong ain't got shit on me. Sorry. Wait, what?

I like it. It's funny because you think it's funny. I don't get it at all. I do. I'm assuming there's a Muhammad Ali quote I'm missing. It's Muhammad Ali, a Denzel joke. I know it's not funny, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. There's more layers to that than your makeup. That's impressive.

Robin, your jokes are like a firework that you light and you think they're a dud and you kick them and then they just explode. Hilariously. That's how I also describe you. As soon as you write it off, you're like, oh, let's throw it in the bucket of water. You lose a finger.

And then your little brother gets sprayed with green smoke bomb spray and it's the best day ever. And fucks up his favorite T-shirt. All right. Thank you. Cricket Wireless customers are experiencing a nationwide outage many of them have contacted the provider saying i my phone isn't working

he sold it connor was just discussing before we turned the mics on about how he was tired of being a hack to crowds of mexicans i was yeah okay this is a true story from my life. I performed at an all-Mexican high school graduation party recently. And, yeah, I was doing it, and I was just thinking in my head the entire time I was on stage, Joe Dosh was right about me. Yeah, well, good show, Caucasian party clown. Take it away, Tom. A young boy is getting surgery to fix his head that rests 180 degrees because it's of its abnormal size doctors have decided to name the surgery the joe dosh

like like surgeries get named like sandwiches at a restaurant he goes to a lot i think that set us up for a joke off, though, Connor. Ooh. Here we go. France opened up its first wine theme park. The owners are facing a copyright infringement with Tom Goss's mother's womb. She likes wine. Yeah, don't defend your mom.

What the fuck is wrong with you? She can enjoy her wine. I don't care. I'm fucked up either way. Hey, one of our devoted listeners, Tom's dad. Hope you're enjoying this. During legal battles about wage discrimination, a judge ruled that the U.S. women's soccer team are not allowed to strike. Upon hearing this, U.S. football players responded, but we're still allowed to strike them, right?

That was fun. Reverse that, bitch. A young bear. Why didn't I do that tag? would have gone to grill f reverse that bitch what do you what does that mean i don't get it oh we strike you now you strike them i don't know it made more sense in my head again i just i want i want to have tom do like the Dance Dance Revolution commands. Reverse that pitch. Or no, the electric slide.

Dude, we got to do the Tom Goss Electrics slide. Put your hand somewhere. Two jumps, two jumps. Do what you want. Again, it's not that Tom's ever wrong. It's just the ridiculous manner in which he's correct. The monstrous way I think he said it. There it is. A young bear has been mutilated in Northern California and stripped of valuable body parts.

Individuals with any information on the whereabouts of Keith Carey are asked to report directly to the Mean Boys podcast. Get back safe from tour, Keith. Award-winning magician Jan Reuven was busted for over 3,400 child pornography videos. Convictions on all charges should get the performer decades in prison, $1 million in fines, and 10 points from Gryffindor.

What? What? John, that was horrible. I love that one. But fucking Professor Crumbumblegum. I'm laughing at his cadence right now. This week, What is that? Bro, fucking Professor Crumbumblegum. I love that joke. I'm laughing at his cadence right now.

This week, the Mean Boys podcast will be hosted by a hormonal ladyboy. Robin Tran will join them as well. Good night, everybody. That's all, folks. Scholars say that Donald Trump could threaten U.S. rule of law after he threatened to loosen libel laws to sue news organizations and critics. Upon hearing this, Keith Curry introduced a new segment to the Mean Boys podcast, Why Donald Trump is All of the Great.

Spot how he panders a lot. Oh, okay. Wow. Ten points from Riffador. Wow, this show is rough, guys. I know. I mean, I agree with it. That's all I wanted to say.

Well, okay. I feel like I should try to do one more and see if I can save us here. Okay. Sorry. Fuck. Okay. You can do it, cop man. Mexican officials have exhumed 117 corpses from a common grave.

Among the dead were several drug traffickers and Conor McSpadden's comedy career. Hey! No. Okay. Saudi Arabian women are boycotting Uber because they say the company is endorsing the country's female driving band. The app had a special function for Saudi women. Uber black robes to be worn

at all times. Okay. That's really good. There we go. Thanks, Connor. You're welcome. That's one heck of a Mexican joke off, everybody. Yeah, that was fun.

I think we'll go into a new segment right after we hear a clip of Robin Tran's stand-up from her album, Santa Doesn't Love Every Kid. So I'm actually in a really weird phase of my transition right now, where now whenever someone is sexist towards me, I'm simultaneously insulted by the misogyny, but actually glad that they acknowledge me as a woman. So I don't know how to balance these two, you know? Like someone will say something really fucked up and in public I have to go, oh, how could you? But inside I'm like, tell me more about how I'm a dumb woman. Oh my

God, really? You don't think I'm funny because I'm a girl? Oh my god, tell me more. I know it's really offensive but I love doing that voice and I'm sorry. My friend Chelsea the other day was like, Hey nice shoes, and I just go, oh my god you like my shoes? Oh my god. I want to be the first transgender woman in history to progress the trans movement forward while sending the women's movement back 50 years at the same time just to really suck at people just by transitioning into a horrible stereotype of a woman. Oh my god, this bottle is so hard to open. Can somebody open it for me?

Oh my god, I can't. This homework's too hard. You can call me the C word, I'm one of the good ones. Gwong. Welcome back to Mean Boys, everybody. Right now I'd like to unveil a new segment I'm pitching. This is called Hell's Box Seat. And what it is is I've put together a piece of video of something reprehensible that we're all going to do running commentary on.

And after it, we're all going to feel really, really badly about ourselves, more so than the usual tenor of this show. It's going to be like that kind of bad feeling where there's a lot of really guilty goodness behind it, like eating some fast food at one in the morning. You know, this is a jack-in-the-box munchie meal for your soul. You read my mind, Con Man. What I put together today, this is a video I found online. This is an instructional film on how to

safely evacuate a special needs bus in case of an emergency. Like a... You don't just get the cattle prod and then throw a bag of Skittles outside? Do you get a border collie in the back? We'll have a link to this in the

show notes, by the way, so you can watch along. What a good dog. They separated the tards by color. I would just like to remind everyone that I was in special ed junior, senior year of high school, and I rode the bus, and I don't like them. Why don't you like them? Bus drivers for special ed are the worst people. I thought you meant the kids.

No, the kids are mostly cool. I mean, there's assholes in every group, but the fucking bus drivers are all fucking scum. Can we think of a slur for special ed bus drivers right now? My dad calls them tar dranglers, but I don't think that's... Can we have your dad guest host instead of you? Yeah, I'm sure you'd do it. Tard wranglers. A fucking lasso made of a nerd's rope.

Well, anyway, everybody, this is how to evacuate a special needs bus in case of an emergency. This is concerned bald man. Yeah. This kind of looks like an old Joe. The guys I fuck. It's got smoke. Oh, yeah. They're using a fog machine to make fake smoke.

Oh, they aren't retarded. They told the kids to cough so that it would look more real, but it looks just like they're a bunch of bad little actors. There's nothing wrong with those kids. Why the fucking bus way too well but they've i mean they've drilled this before tom like i hate this guy's fucking like i'm gonna save the day stance like they're already at the school okay first off most special ed bus drivers can't even fucking stand up this guy's gonna walk around. This is all... This is inaccurate. This is like a nerd watching a science fiction movie.

Like, whoa, okay, if you open the airlock, explosive decompression would have sucked you outside. That guy's too skinny to be a retard wrangler. Most fucking special ed bus drivers just sit there and they suffocate on their own fucking heart. Like, they're not... What happened to you, Tom? What? You have a story.

They put him in a sardine can full of mongoloids for two years. I got into a lot of fights with special ed drivers. Well, it sounds like you were the bad kid. No! They made me wear a seatbelt, and then we got off to a wrong start. I remember the first time they brought me back to my house, they go, well, where's your form? I go, what fucking form?

They're like, the form to get off... I'm still not on your side. They made you what fucking form? They're like, the form to get off. I'm still not on your side. They made you wear a seatbelt. Hang on. The form to get off the bus. I'm like, no, I just get off the bus like everyone else does. They go, no, you need a form. I'm like, well, I'm not fucking.

Papers, please. And then I'm like, we're yelling at each other. And my little brother comes out. He starts filming it. And then I just hopped out the window. And then she was like... You escaped? What?

Not the window, the, like, back glass door. And then all the, like... You went out the emergency exit? Yeah, and all the kids were like... Like, they all gasped. So it looked like the opening of The Dark Knight with tards? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's actually a good analogy. Most of this kind of sounds like your fault. No, they're fucking idiots. Yeah, but you just. That's actually a good analogy. Most of this kind of sounds like your fault. No, they're fucking idiots. Yeah, but you just sound quarrelsome. They wouldn't let me off the fucking bus. So, like, if you didn't have the paper, would you have just ridden it around all day? Huh? If you didn't have the paper, what's there next to it?

Yeah, exactly. So they're just fucking with you. Okay, one time I had a bad day, and I found a broken-down shopping cart at school. And I was like, fuck it. I'm bringing this with me. And it was the only time I liked the special ed driver. Because I like wait for everyone else to get on the bus. And I just brought this shopping cart.

I was like, I'm bringing this with me. And they just went, okay. Okay, so they tied it behind the bus and they wrote in like window paint on the back, just lobotomize. No, they attacked it to one of the poles for the wheelchair people. Comset attacked it, by the way. Just let's all enjoy that. And then it kind of just rolled around with the wheelchair kid.

Again, you sound like a nuisance and I support. So let's watch some more of this video. Fuck them. There we go. A fucking... Here he goes. Like Patrick Stewart. That's not what those look like.

Oh, the wheelchair kid. That is not an accurate depiction of what they do to the wheelchair kids! You can't! If you're not watching at home! Tom, we got through four seconds of video before you started screaming again. If you're not watching at home, what is currently on the screen is a smoking, flaming bus, an adorable kid in a wheelchair who looks like he's, like, tethered into place by a fuck swing or something. And Tom is furious.

Yeah, Joe's getting flashbacks with this adorable little white boy and this stern older man hooking him up to all hardness. You've been there many times before. That's just not an accurate depiction of how they chain up the wheelchair kids. Oh, my God. There's a giant pole that they attach them to. This sounds like a medieval torture chamber. Like how?

Like they tape them to it? Like it's a frat pledge? No, there's there's just like four poles in the middle of the bus and then they have like a little like bike chain that they just whip around it and then they put the brakes on, but one time they forgot to put the brakes on. The kid just went flat. He had like cerebral palsy. He was like He just kept

swinging around all over the place. Did you go to school at like a double team rodeo? Like what are you fucking talking about? This is not accurate! There are a lot of different school districts, Tom. Well, I've never seen a chair like that. Alright, anyway. Alright. He's getting the inflatable...

Just shove him out. He'll crawl away. This kid's legs clearly work. He's What? He just laid him down on this mattress.

He's gonna leave him in there. And I'm going to abandon you. So here's I guess what it seems like is he's gonna he puts down a fucking aero-inflatable bed

and then he's gonna pull him out onto the ground and cause way more trauma than would have happened if he just pushed him out on the fucking chair. I'm going to suffocate you before the smoke does and get you to the Lord quicker. I'll be a commendation by the city.

Okay, he's pulling him out of the bus on the air mattress. This seems so unnecessary. Yeah, this is incredible. That's what I've been set on fire by now. Here's the thing. You need real, like, special kids. Oh, there's the iMovie title. This is dramatic.

Oh, wow. I don't know why. Does this woman with her, like, cankle arms look more accurate, Tom? Yeah, that's much more accurate. And he laid him down on the tarp to carry him out. What are they worried? Are they going to get his clothes dirty? They're all sticky, I'm sure. Well, no, that was just to keep him from touching all the fucking Cheeto crumbs.

Alright. Well, here's Keith carrying a Party City wig driving to the spring. Oh, fuck off! This is like we're showing a Nikola Tesla has some DC power. Oh, fuck off. He just said

special needs children must rely on their special needs bus driver. No, we don't. Maybe you just got a bad apple time. I had one good one. I don't like apples. No, there was one good one.

The rest of them are just fucking idiots. All right. No, we finally got a special kid. This guy's a very good actor. There's Connor psyching himself up before a set. He's like headbanging. Like he always just hears metal in his head, like one of those. Fuck you!

Oh my, yeah. Yeah, you're right. No one really knows until they're put in that position. They get it. Tom, okay. Tom, I never would have proposed this, so I thought it would make you so upset. I'm fine. No, what's your issue with what's going on right now?

They're just not responsible people They're like, oh, they rely on you No, we're not on the bus with you, you're on the bus with us Stop making this about you You're not down here with me How do you just fucking quote Rorschach and act like the fucking staff is the problem? Like, what was your school? The bus driver just comes in and he breaks a pool kill.

We're going to have tryouts and throws it on the floor. What type of bus driver made me locate, like, one of the retarded kids? Like, she lost the directions. She's a fucking meth-smoking idiot. She was, like, to the bus, like, hey, who knows how to get to Igor's house? Well, they didn't have this instructional video, Tom. If you know your kid has developmental problems, why the fuck are you naming him Igor?

Igor was Russian and he talked like a muppet. That's not going to exacerbate the problem. He literally talked like this and he had fucking gray streaks and they made me try to find this retarded kid when I had no idea who he was. Well, you convinced them

that you weren't retarded so you can lend a hand. Yeah, that's like what I did when I worked no idea who he was. Well, you convinced them that you weren't retarded, so you can lend a hand. Yeah, that's like what I did when I worked all my... You want it both ways, Tom. You want retard privileges with not retard respect. You should have done what I did when I worked at Old Navy, which was convince them I was a fucking idiot so I didn't have to do anything. This was like the third day I was on the fucking bus.

Like, these... Oh, I like the bubble dissolve that they used Don't touch them She's guiding them to safety Don't She like Okay, listeners at home She put a hand on one of their backs

And like ushered them towards the door It was like She just fucking threw them out of the bus like a bouncer at a bar. They don't want to be touched by her. Can't imagine Tom Goss' version of this video. A gunfire and a school bus will separate the fakers from the nots. Can we make a new video?

Can we make a special evacuation bus led by Tom Goss? All right, you're going to need some bait. I suggest Jolly Ranchers. Leave him there once you are faced with an emergency bus evacuation. You're going to need some bait. I suggest Jolly Ranchers. Why are they doing slow motion getting the kids off? Yeah, they're doing slow motion special running. It looks like bad special effects from a Capri Sun video. Oh, there's the wheelchair.

Preparation and inspection. Nice public domain rock music that I probably used for a commercial on the show before. One of the keys to a successful school bus evacuation is preparation. There are several important aspects of preparation. One of these is the Oh, and that's the end.

All right, well, it ended a little prematurely. Yeah, it sure did. Now I don't know what to do. I feel inadequately trained. Let's blame Tom. Yeah. Tom's fault. All right, well, it ended a little prematurely. Yeah, it sure did. Now I don't know what to do. I feel inadequately trained. Let's blame Tom. Yeah. Tom's fault. All right, well.

Are you okay, Tom? Yeah, I'm good. Your eyes are bulging out of your fucking face. Joe, get your neck. I had a lot of fights with these people. Oh, okay. All right, well, we're going to jump right into our next segment. We usually like to give them a little bit longer of a rotation,

but there was a public outcry when we did this that the people were demanding that we do it with Tom. So it is time for the triumphant return of Mina Festos. And this is a segment where we are all dictators of the world, and we get to decide, you know, we get to make decrees that are absolute and universal to our people. So let me just see here. Is this? All right. I guess I'll.

Good. Do I sound? Do I got it? Very much. Okay. Under new building codes, Keith's mother's womb will be condemned to hell. Can you hear me? I can't hear myself.

Oh, yeah, we can hear you. All right, I'll take one away. All right, let me see which one. All right. All right, you ready, Joe? Yes. At any time I see fit, I can order Connor McSpadden to go mow the lawn. I know you wanted to be my daddy, but I didn't.

Subtext. You ready? Yes. All right. Attention, Asians. As your ruler, you will all be required to show emotion on your face in public at least once a year. Yeah, black people get the hard time for not smiling in pictures. No, I know.

How about Asians? Give me a grin at the mall, why don't you? Asians are always taking pictures of our military installations. You meddling whatevers. Who cares? All right, Tom, give us the money. People of Gostom! Special ed kids will now drive their own bus! Gostom?

What? Gostodonia, bro. That's too many syllables. On the Gostom Empire. The Gostomites. They would fight in a phalanx. Alright. Citizens!

Trans people will be now addressed by the gender neutral pronoun Gross! Wow. Can I be the vice president of Gostom? I had no prior knowledge of Gostom? Good lord. I had no prior knowledge of any of these. Just kidding, Connor.

I never knowingly lied. All right, Joe. Okay. Citizens! Anyone at a coffee house whose order takes longer than three seconds to say has to dunk their penis head into their coffee for as long as it took to order. Well, I'm getting a nice mocha, so I'm not worried. Oh, there you go.

That'd still be unpleasant. I am so with you. Tom's thought about this a lot. He agrees. Yeah, well, fuck who's next? Robin, right? Yeah. Okay.

Attention, white progressives. All of your ironic racist jokes will now have to be pre-approved by five or more black people nobody's exempt not even steven colbert or the onion yeah that was all right i had to do something because of the asian thing to even it out yeah well who's on your who's on your power committee of like who the Supreme Court of white progressive jokes? It's like Wyatt Cenac, and he's wearing a fucking Questlove wig. I'm not good at writing jokes, so I don't really... Oh, fantastic.

Speaking of Switch, Tom, it's your turn. You don't understand, Robin. They're one of the good ones, and therefore exempt from all sins. People of Gostum! Syrians no longer have to live on boats! What? Kept

waiting for a second sentence. What are you talking about at all? A lot of Syrians live on boats. That's not precisely what's happening. Issues are a tad more complicated. Oh, my God. Jewish people will be given better tanning beds.

Okay, you really misunderstood the Holocaust. They're not like Floridians trying to get off the grid, Tom. You understand that, right? Yeah, it's not like a guy who's just like, yeah, bro, this is tax-free. I can just sleep in the harbor. Okay. Either way, it's helpful. There we go.

Is that what your mom tells you when you fix the cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving? Attention! Oh, I thought it was my turn. Oh, is it? Yeah. Every Friday will now be Casual Friday for casual racism! Just get it out of our systems once a week, right, gang? I think it'll be a lot less tension.

All right, take it away, Joe. All right. Citizens, anyone who tries to convince me to watch a comic book movie after I say I don't like comic book movies will be impaled on a giant dick, the tip of which will protrude out their mouth and fuck their own mother in the ass, and the condemned's face will slap into the mother's butt cheeks with every thrust for eternity. Was that Porter Hieronymus Bosch? How did you have a question so quickly?

That was a lot of words to process. You had a question. This is a man who moments ago was raging about the conduct on special needs buses. He just dropped two Dutch amazing painters. Yeah, Tom thinks very quickly in the wrong direction, if you haven't noticed. Okay, Robin. Citizens, in his stand-up,

Keith Carey will be required to actually take a strong stance on something. Oh, shit! He has to have a strong stance to be supported by a platform. Yeah, every stage needs a strong stance when Keith's performing. See, I didn't really have a complete thought for that, but I knew that his fatness would carry through in the end.

Gotta carry that weight. Yeah, his knees are really a marvel of biological engineering Like I just imagine they're just like two jawbreakers down there They're like ant legs Can lift eight times their size you know People of Gostum God damn it

White girls are no longer allowed to talk about bathrooms while wearing yoga pants. What? Why not? What a specific thing to be angry at. You could tell Tom wrote these after one thing made him mad. Not an issue in the world. Just like, yeah, I heard this white girl talking about a bathroom last week. I thought that happened to everybody.

A lot of white girls talk to me about bathrooms, and I don't like it when they wear yoga pants and do it. That's the thing that bothers you the most? Tom, you just reiterated the joke without elaborating on it at all. I don't see the correlation, Tom, is the issue. Yeah. We don't see the correlation. The pants are very stuck to them.

What does that have to do with bathrooms? Like, you implied it'd be okay if they were talking about kitchens. Yeah, I don't want to think about them shitting when they're wearing, like, skin-tight pants. Yeah, I don't like the pants elasticity ratio. God almighty. It puts bad images in my head. I have so much empathy for your special needs bus drivers. Don't fuck that girl!

I am 100% on her side. Ah, fuck her. Except for one. One gave me a sign, Ph that girl! I am 100% on her side. Ah, fuck her! Except for one. One gave me a sign and fell his dealer book. She's the shit. Can't win with this guy. Mean boys will... We were never here, but we will be right back.

Oh, is that it? Yes! I thought there was another one. Oh, well, do one more and try to redeem yourself. Oh, oh, oh, fuck. Okay. Here's a great one. Imagine the dictator in front of thousands of people wearing his military uniform. Okay.

Do you guys remember Scooby-Doo? Never mind. The big photo of his face just falls down upon him. What would be the armband for Tom's dictatorship? Just a Tapatio fucking bottle in a circle? Okay. People of Gostom!

Black people... Really sticking to the Gostom. Stick around, Landon Gostom. Black people who enjoyed my set have to stop telling me they're praying for me after the show. Oh, my God. You did it. Against all odds. Oh, God.

All right. Well, that's a nice one to close off on. That was me to Festos. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. Good morning, America, and welcome to Fabulous 1945. The Mean Boys radio program is brought to you by Lennigan's House Paint. Your home will be redder than the inside of Hitler's bunker. And by Neil Smith's Plastic Sheeting. Top your toddler in the rain with Neil Smith's Plastic Sheeting.

News from the world at large. General Douglas MacArthur reports that radiation from the Hiroshima blast has rendered 60% of occupied Japan's freshwater yen fit for consumption. The general remains unconcerned about Japanese welfare, claiming, quote, they've drank their fill on Hawaii tears. The general has ordered a cargo frigate full of forks to be sent to the nation at once, claiming, I didn't watch my best friend incinerated over Midway to eat a tuna sandwich with Tojo pokers.

The generals also criminalized the raking of Japanese Zen gardens, saying, damned if a pair of slant eyes can't tell sand from leaves. And, from the whole front, Congress has passed the Freedom Saws and Angels Wings Act, which requires all libraries to report the checking out of any subversive communist literature to ensure the safety of our way of life. First Amendment, huh?

How do you say that in Jew German, Frederick Ingalls? And the success of water fluoridation in major cities has inspired the infusion of another element into American products, lead. This pliable yet resilient metal can add durability to products from cookware to baby's crib bars. Have a lead lollipop, slugger. You'll grow up to be a physicist. And today marks the 25th anniversary of the ratification of women's suffrage. In a sign of solidarity, polling booths around America are offering free ice water and aspirin to women voters suffering from mental overexertion.

Don't stress your limits too far, girls. You ever see a handsome commie? I don't think so. The Mean Boys radio program. For when you tire of Amos and Andy and their political correctness. And Mean Boys is back, everybody. I'm very, very excited. This week, we are closing out the show as we always do with our favorite game

that has been prepared by Robin Tran. It's time to play Witch of the Following, fellas. Yay. All right, I've prepared for you guys which of the following is not a real Vince McMahon quote so if you guys don't know who Vince McMahon is he is the CEO and owner of the WWE World Wrestling Entertainment outstanding and he played a the most despicable bad guy I've ever seen in wrestling so which of these is not a real Vince McMahon quote. Okay. A, life sucks and then you die.

B, it was interesting kissing Trish in public and my wife is sitting there in a comatose state in a wheelchair. C, Linda, if you want another baby, I'm your genetic jackhammer. Daddy's coming home. D, I flipped through the Bible today and it was pure crap. I threw it in the garbage and set it on fire. Wow.

I think that first one is NOS, but I mean, I'm going to guess, B is so specific that I feel like it can't be fake, you know? So I'm going to say D. I disagree. I'm going to say B because I think Trish strikes me as a name Robin would make up. That's like what she thinks straight men fuck

were addressing. Like obviously you gotta fuck a girl named Trish while your wife is paralyzed beside you. So I'm gonna say B. Ooh, yeah, that's hot. Give it to me, Trish. Sounds like a fucking Denny's waitress. What was C again? And Linda, if you want another baby, I'm your genetic jackhammer.

Daddy's coming home. I could really see him saying that and just being so pleased with himself. I did a podcast with Rob Van Dam earlier this week, and he was talking about Vince McMahon and just like, yep, that's who he is. I'm going B. All right. The correct answer is D. I put through the Bible today, that's who he is. I'm going B. All right. The correct answer is D. I put through the Bible today and it was pure crap. I threw in the garbage, set it on fire.

B was actually from a documentary where Vince commented about why he did that. Here's my favorite part about this so far is the lack of joy in your voice as you read these outlandish quotes. I think, well, like you hearing it out loud, you really are upset with how much of your life you've devoted to this. 26 years of my life. No, I'm just nervous because I like you guys. Okay. Let me try to get some energy going. Hey, loosen up a little bit.

All right, sorry. I have no expectations of us. Do you want to take a minute? I'm already feeling it. Do you want to take a minute and untuck? Would that put you at ease? Oh. Ooh, trans and drag.

I'm Asian. I don't need to tuck. Oh, shit. yiddies. Trans and drag. I'm Asian. I don't need to tuck. You're hacking it up with us just like you've been here your whole life. I'm hacking it up. You haven't been here your whole life. You just realized that you were here. I mean, last year.

So yeah. Okay. A, I enjoy destroying lives. It turns me on, especially an icon like Ric Flair. B, the reason Donald Trump's not coming out here is because he knows I have the grapefruits to give him a billionaire bitch slap. C, if Kurt Angle doesn't call Immigration Array Mysterio, I'll fire him on the spot.

And D, she's going to be raped by a motorcycle gang right in front of The Undertaker. Fuck, man. Is Vince McMahon a super jail character? I'm going to say D because I don't think The Undertaker would stand idly by and allow that to happen. I mean, he is a heel, but come on. He's the voice of morality. Fuck. Well, Vince didn't said he would like it,

just to... Oh. He's across the street. Immigration and Rey Mysterio. I don't know about that. That's a little smart for... I think I'm going to say that one. I'm going to say B.

All right, so the correct answer, Connor is right. It is C. No hitter. Immigration, Rey Mysterio. He did once say to Rey Mysterio, no more Spanish. That is right. It is C. He did once say to Ray Mysterio no more Spanish. I'm throwing a no-clitter on your game

here, Robin. Did we mention Robin's transgender? I feel like we just kind of assumed everybody. I feel like there's enough context clues. I think I said it up front. There's enough context clues and awkward silence to where... Okay. I think we've got an episode title, by the way. Context clues and awkward silence.

Okay. A, get on your hands and knees like a dog. B, God, where are you going? Come back, God. Ladies and gentlemen, God has left the building. C, I'm the one that's responsible for having Randy Orton dishonorably discharged from the military. Don't I'm the one that's responsible for having Randy Orton dishonorably discharged from the military.

Don't ever cross the boss. D. Making love to a dead person, a female dead person if you're a guy. That's like high comedy if there ever is.

I think B is from the Vince McMahon translation of the spake there a thruster. That is the second the spake thereathustra reference on this podcast so far. Have you actually read that? I haven't. Okay.

Yeah, good. Because I was about to say, that's cunty even for you. Yeah. It's one of those books you only need to know vaguely what it is so you can... I mean, I've read cuntier books. Just, you know. We got to do a Joe's fucking book corner. Joe's smugness nook.

That would be a good slam. Okay. I'm going to say D. I'll say D as well. Fuck. I don't want to say D because you guys did. I'll say C. Tom is right.

C is the fake one. Randy Orton discharged from the military Vince McMahon was in a documentary justifying why he had a storyline where he made

Triple H wear a cane mask and have sex with a mannequin inside of a coffin and because he thought it would be funny because

Triple H is saying Kane had sex with a dead body boom don't conform I mean I'm an N-double-O black and white fan but jeez okay you saying Kane had sex with a dead body. Boom! Don't conform. I mean, I'm an N-double-O black and white fan, but geez.

Okay, this is the next round. A. Even if I wasn't your father, I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last slut on earth. B. I don't think you realize that you're making me, a loving father, have to go into the ring and beat down his very own daughter. C. I'll never forgive your mother for giving birth to you. Let's say A.

Ooh, fuck. What are A and B again? But he's not a good parent. A, even if I wasn't your father, I wouldn't... Dr. Tom, over here. You've got some issues. A was, even if I wasn't your father, I wouldn't sleep with you for the last sled on earth. And B is, I don't think you realize that you're making me, a loving father, have to go into the ring and beat down his very own daughter. I'm going to say A.

I'm going to say B, but even though it does kind of sound like something you'd say, like he'll punch his daughter in the face and it's someone else's fault. Yeah. Tom? I said A. Oh, yeah. Well, the correct answer is A. He did. There was a match in 2003, Vince McMahon versus Stephanie McMahon.

He made his daughter wrestle him in a match. He choked her with a lead pipe at the end of it, and then he made out with his mistress and then pie-faced his wife. I'm just picturing it. It's like Christmas. Is this real? Yeah. No Mercy 2003.

Dude, what the fuck? God, it's like Christmas dinner and none of them will break kayfabe. Like these Vince McMahon stories sound like Greek legends where like, yeah, Zeus turned into a cow and then raped his daughter. Oh, the Undertaker turned into a cow and then raped his daughter. The Undertaker turned into a swan. Wow. The fucking coming of a father-daughter dance of WWE.

Yeah, he won the match. His daughter tried. She had a good comeback, but she didn't. All right. This is all real or all fake. A, I hope the U.S. loses the war in Iraq. B. We know the answer.

B, the one person in history I'd have to make tap out would have to be Jesus. C, truth be told, I'm not a very big fan of the black people. And D. I could say anything I want to these idiots and they still cheer for me. All real. All fake. I feel like this is the comedian Robin wishes you were. I'm going all fake. You know what I mean?

Like you got all your Andrew Dice Clay energy out on the Mean Boys today. Oh, that's funny. Okay, well, I guess this is... Wait, Joe, how do you say all fake? Well, these are all fake Vince McMahon quotes, but it's kind of a trick question because these are all real Kurt Angle quotes. He said this in one promo. And he was right because they still cheered for him that night.

What a heel. Robin, that was an amazing game of which of the following. Thank you. Wow. Oh, fuck. That was fantastic. I think I still won though, right? We tied.

Oh, you tied. Oh, fuck. Because I got, I think I got three right. Can we do a tiebreaker? Can you just come up with one off the spot and we'll do real or fake? You and God can go straight to hell. Real. Didn't you say that

in one of the other ones? I had a bunch of other gaudy ones. Are you talking about your outfits? It is real. Okay. We'll suck it, Tom. I'm a small man and I need closure.

This is when Vince McMahon was feuding with God. It's okay. I'm not emotionally broken. He was mad at a wrestler. The guy was a born-again Christian. Vince said, it's going to be me

and the product of my semen, my sunshine, versus you and God in a tag team match. That sounds biblical. God wasn't there, of course. This sounds like the mental hospital. I just want to know

how you evacuate a WWE match, not a special headbutt. Now that I think about it, the Bible basically just is WWE call-outs. And the spawn of my botland will populate canaan all right well uh let's reach into the mean boys mailbag this week we got two emails so uh this one reads so you guys have talked about watching anime when you were young and that's

pretty rad my question is have you ever jerked it to any type of hentai i know i have but that's because i'm a sick fuck much love as always from always, from your one fan in Stephenville, Texas, using his full name, Jesus Medina. Everybody wants to know how we feel about jerking it to cartoons. Thank you, Jesus. I have a story about this a little bit. When I was a kid, me and my friends on my street liked anime,

and they're like, you gotta check out this anime called Hente. It's just like Dragon Ball Z. You'd really like it. So I went home and Googled Hente, and I was like, oh no! I just got a little grossed out. I've never jerked into hentai, but this is true.

Like when I was drinking really heavily, I did burst into tears and then jerk off after watching the Tweek and Craig Yowie episode. Oh, that was a great episode. It was beautiful. It was really good. Tom? I want a whole anthology of the sad YouTube videos you watched during Joe's whiskey years. Because I know it's like, oh man, Tom and Jerry really had something beautiful,

and then just fucking cum, self-destruct. Yeah, I never jerked off to hentai. I like the real porn. Tom is stroking his chin. I feel like we need a body language expert to go in here and be like, no, that's a lie. He clicked on that pop-up ad with Marge Simpson getting railed by Peter from Family Guy.

You know what? I enjoy the pop-up ads, and that's it. When I was in eighth grade, my friend came over and said, I have some porn for you on the CD. And I said, please don't put it on my computer. And he goes, no, you'll like this. And I said, please don't put it on my computer. And he goes, no, you'll like this. And it was one of those

hentai games where you play, it's a video game. Like he's trying to get you to eat something at a restaurant. Like, no, no, no, just try it. It's right, just give me it. It's good. And it's like,

it was something like, you have to like, one of those video games where you choose what she says and you have to choose the right thing to get her, to get fucked by the guy. And I played it

and then I got a surprise boner, and then I jerked off to it, and I cried for a few minutes after because I jacked off to a cartoon. I've done it a few times since. I'd play a head-side game, but that's only because I'm competitive. I feel like that would be like FUD.

I had a friend, he lent me a... I pulled out the most cum. I win. Tom Goss. I had a friend lend me a manga. What's that? If I was doing a Tom lightning round, it would be a kook comics. It's a Japanese comic book.

Okay. Anyway, and he's like, just read it. You're going to like it. And I was like, this is a boring story about this guy that's just going to this all-girls boarding school. I don't care about this. And then one of her tits popped out in a jacuzzi, and he started eating her pussy underwater,

and I was just like, oh, gross. And I noticed there was literally pages stuck together, and I just like tweezered it into a Ziploc bag and gave it back to him. I was so fucking mad. It was gross. How would you eat someone out under a jacuzzi? Well, other people with lung capacity

are capable of holding their breath, Tom. Yeah, but if you stick your tongue out, there's going to be water in your mouth. Yeah, that's the biggest problem with this. Out of everything that you've heard so far. Well, I mean, comic books,

they like to exaggerate reality a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I had a friend that recently told me, he's like, yeah, I've been trying to get into hentai like it was

Radiohead. You know, he listens to the show, too. So what's up, creep? Yeah. All right, we got one more email. Definitely got a type of fan. This is something we never talk about on the show, too, so what's up, creep? Yeah. All right, we got one more email. You definitely got a type of fan.

This is something we never talk about on the show. Yo, Mean Boys, I have been toying with wanting to be a stand-up. I have pussied out of many times, but the fire is still in my belly, so the feeling still makes me want to do it. So my question is, what advice would you give me so I can start on my dream? First of all, you got away with words already, clearly. Second of all, don't. Just, no.

We don't need you, all right? Yeah, if you keep letting it go and you come back to it, it's yours, man. Like, that's... It's just like... Like the pets you keep smashing? Yeah, that's my hammer cat. That's hammer dog. And over there, that green puddle is hammer parrot.

Look, everyone's first set, like, here's the deal. You're going to be garbage. Give Joe a minute. He's not doing well. The green puddle is hammer parrot. All right, I think the new title is hammer parrot. No, you're going to be garbage, but just know that you're going to be garbage, and then you'll get better.

It's not a big deal. It's just like when you have sex with her so you're like ah it's a big deal and then after you've done a couple times like oh it's not i just like doing it no don't project that was really good my first time and if you're not you should just quit yeah i agree robin's like you have seven times this week robin's been getting progressively worse at stand-up as she's gone along but i get a lot more sympathy laughs so that's what happens Robin you just need to get like a back brace and you get to like go blind

as you run out of things to talk about you just like affect more disabilities you're like oh yeah I know I got braces now this is a new three minutes if you could tell your jokes through like a stick puppet that's your only friend. Hey,

I like Kate Gary, okay? I love you, baby. No, man, just go do it, bro. Just fucking, it's not a video. Just go do it, okay?

And just keep doing it. Yeah, buy someone a beer while you're there. And when we come to Texas, maybe we'll let you be on the live show. Oh, he's out in Texas?

We won't do that. We need fodder to mock, obviously. I didn't mean as a contributing partner. Yeah, you guys aren't going to bring me. We're not going to bring you to Texas because you would melt, you fucking hairy candle. Hey, I was in Arizona for 12 hours and I left because I got very sick. Yeah, you got the flu. I was coughing blood.

Yeah, Tom's like, yeah, I'm going to go to Arizona and live in my car. And then you immediately got like exposure sickness. Yeah, I was coughing blood. I was like, yeah, I should go home. And then I took the eight all the way back. And then I kept getting texts that I was in Mexico. And I was just so confused. You got texts from who? AT&T.

They said you're in Mexico now. It was like data charges are different now. At one point I just walked through the desert and was like all the cactuses are connected. I was pretty fucked up. It was like the episode of King of the Hill where he gets... I'm tired. It's It was like the episode of King of the Hill where he... Oh, wait, no, this is The Simpsons.

I'm tired. It's time to end the show. Listen to Robin's album that we mentioned earlier. Santa Doesn't Love Every Kid. Very, very funny. I enjoyed it a lot. Follow her on Twitter at RobinTrans04. Do you guys have anything you want to plug?

Yeah, follow me on Twitter at GossGoss6. And then... uh do you guys have anything you want to plug yeah follow me on twitter at gosgoss6 uh and then uh were you mocking me or did you just mess it up no yeah i'm mocking you okay what uh when is this going to be released tuesday tuesday uh thursday i'm gonna be in san luis obispo at kiersberg coffee oh sorry that's friday and then saturday i'm at uh barmageddon to larry i don't know if any of those people and then i'm doing a tour through oklahoma and indiana so check my facebook and shit everyone look for the the trail of destruction in his wake yeah uh cool follow me on twitter at joe dash joe d-o-s-c-h and i'll be at the comedy store belly room tuesday night great i will uh i'll be at the laugh factory Factory in Las Vegas for 14 shows Monday through Sunday this next

week. So if you're in Vegas, come by and holler at me. I would love to see you. I think that's it, guys. Oh, and Tuesday night, roast battle, me versus Jay Light. If you hear it, come out. It'll be a good one. I have one more.

July 9th, Kate and I are doing our third unconventional lesbian show at the Karma Lounge. So all those feminist blogger listeners that you have I just want I want the mean boys to come out and just see that clash of worlds it's gonna be segregated like a

like a prom where everybody's shy you know we're like ah someone's gonna start the boy girl dancing tell that Asian

to show his tits okay fuck everything God is dead goodnight everybody crazy shit crazy shit man crazy shit okay fuck everything god is dead goodnight everybody bye crazy shit crazy shit man

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