Mean Boys - EP 220 - Pocket Apples (feat. Dave Sirus)

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

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you'll have everything you need to get from work to play with confidence this season. Hurry in. Employee pricing is on for a limited time. Visit your local GMC dealer for details. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. The points do matter and you lost. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Dave Cyrus.

And I'm... The worst parallel Parker in the world. I just saw Tom make the world's first 48-point turn. To be fair, there was a trash can mildly in my way. Which you hit several times with your car. Yeah. But you were very polite the way you nudged the trash can. You nudged the trash can like, sir. It's time for you to leave.

We were talking about we were waiting for you to show up. And Jordan was just like, yeah, I thought that Prius might have been Tom. And it's like, no, it doesn't sound sad enough. You locked it, right? Yes. Cut to the sound of Tom's hobo treasures being stolen again. Yeah, it has been broken into before, but not on this street. Is some guy going to be like,

this guy's got way better blankets and cans than I do. Oh boy, all the cigarette butts I can eat. No, now my stuff is in his car, which makes it actually worth breaking into. The last time I did have it broken into, I did just get robbed of my suitcase. Yes, and I enjoy imagining the disappointment of that guy opening

that suitcase i know there were shirts that i liked but i don't i don't think he's gonna like him there was a very great mean boys arc where tom got locked out of his lockable suitcase oh yeah you just had to wear the same outfit for like a week and all your fucking clothes were inside the suitcase i was gonna say what if there's a homeless guy just walking around dressed like tom and then i realized there's a lot of homeless guys walking around dressed like tom i do feel like the average drug addict can use tom's shirts as some sort of flowy blanket or just use them to tie off before you shoot up oh doom tunes huh i did lose one of the doom tune shirts oh that was a listener sent us some pretty cool uh fucking horror horror art shirts back in the

day yeah no i still have some other ones though i had a weird one today i was doing a ketamine therapy but then the therapy canceled so and i was just on ketamine in my house i was i was doing therapy by which i mean i just did some drugs yeah yeah yeah and i'm just watching car reviews on youtube going you know what man my love life is a lot like the Lamborghini Huracan. What is that? It's a fancy sports car. Okay. I love that the ketamine therapy has this veneer of,

and then we're going to talk about breathing to make this not sound like I'm just a drug addict. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing it for a while now, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure I'm just getting high. Yeah, I thought it was weird that my doctor is a guy in a Supreme hoodie wearing sunglasses inside, but you know. Yeah, the doctor's actually Tom. Tom is, yeah.

They give it to you in like a little starburst. It's like a little gummy. Huh. And it tastes like cough syrup and like dog shit. It's really bad. I like the cough syrup. You like the, of course you would like the taste of cough syrup. I do like the taste of cough syrup.

Problem is, though, they're not really explaining to people The potential side effects of ketamine use Like, you know, once people have used it for a while They have a tendency to Use their entire net worth to buy Major social media platforms Rename them something only a 13 year old boy Would think is cool

Flood it with neo-nazis Did Elon Musk do ketamine? There are articles coming out claiming that which is why i'm finally allowed to start talking about it you just need one source before it's not slander yes which is why i can finally say someone else has been saying this see you have way way higher like stringent like standards for not getting sued than we do because no one listens to this show correct yeah even though i could no one listens to this show. Correct. Yes. Even though I could still get sued from this show.

Yeah. It's mostly me. I could just say Tom Hanks ate a kid and no one cares. Yes, yes, yes, you could. And millions of others have as well. Oh, I'm very aware. He ate triplets. I thought we were talking about stuff that wasn't true.

We shouldn't introduce our guests, right? The great Dave Cyrus cyrus is with us yeah or whatever yeah hey continuing my streak of the first guest on any new show you guys do that's true you are the the fucking canary in the coal mine for all our bad ideas i mean am i the first was i the first was i the first tina End Swallow Daddy's guest? I know you were the first Tina. Well, I think Ramsey might have been the first. No, you were before Ramsey on that. And you were doing the Jew York update. Yeah, yes, I sure was.

On Podpocalypse, yeah. No, that's still one of my favorite memories is when you did a mic with me and then another comic who listened to Mean Boys, listened to all of them. She goes, wait, you're Dave Cyrus. And I thought he was going to say from SNL or from, you know, you wrote The King of Sand.

And I was like, from the Jew York update. I was very proud of that. You're Ronald Reagan from General Electric Theater. Yeah, no, there's certain things. Like I was recognized at the gym from someone watching the video of Real Ass Podcast, and I thought, thank you, but also we should have a talk. Yeah.

I get the, it's a fine show to listen to. You were watching it? You needed to see that? So you weren't doing something else while listening? You needed your undivided attention on seeing a 47-year-old Puerto Rican get really high. Was there too much pussy in your house and you needed it to go away?

You just wanted to show Zac Amico to frighten your cats? Like, why? You wanted to see sweaty Liberty Spikes in person. He wants to get as much visuals of Zac Amico as he can while there's time. I have no problem with the real ass guys but nobody no i like the show having met their fan base none of them should be getting stronger like i don't i want to keep them feeble and indoors that's where

they belong yeah no no i do like the show i that's you know i just want to talk about how upset i was that i got i've been recognized now more from that than Peacock yeah I got recognized in public for an open mic like after like a week after I did tv and it destroyed my self-confidence forever oh that's good I was at I was at the 7-eleven by my house getting like an energy drink and a protein cookie like every morning and I'm like walking into the 7-eleven and this guy goes hey man are you Connor McSpadden and i'm like yeah and i went over and i was like oh okay what's up man i went over to like go shake his hand and he's like no no no that's okay and he got in his car immediately and drove the fuck away so i have no idea if i'm connor mcspadden from high school connor mcspadden from mean boys or roast battle or what you know he just wanted to acknowledge

that you were you but in no way engage yeah yeah and i'm like okay anyone who cares enough to say that i'm like am i being a douche for assuming you'd like you'd want a handshake or a what's up or something yeah that's super fucking weird yeah and i will never know that's that's still one of my favorite i get recognized i mean i'm also changing what i look like very often um but i got recognized one of the few times i got recognized in san diego me and you were doing a show down there and i'm'm outside and this guy's like, are you, he's with two girls, like, are you Tom Goss? And I was like, yeah, I'm doing a show in there. Keith's on stage right now. You can go in if you want, it's a free show.

And he goes, he like looks at the girls and looks at them and goes, no, I'm good. But like crazy running into you, dude. I'd rather just know you exist than be annoyed by Keith. Tom does change his look a lot. And right now he looks like the only guy in the Civil War with a mohawk. It's like grown out in Appomattox. Tom looks like it's his second day as a Civil War soldier who abandoned the army and started living with the Sioux Indians. He's not dancing with wolves yet, but he's hanging out with them.

He's sniffing around. Yeah, the high fade, like the hair's growing in, but the high fade with long hair on top is definitely a unique look because it's not a mohawk, but it's not a real haircut either. It's a very specific. The best I could describe your hair right now is what if a mullet wasn't fun? That's kind of the look of it. The forward m forward mullet just got laid off from the party factory i would i think you would fit in with the sioux indians because what is making cold brew coffee out of trash if not using every part of the buffalo yeah they've also masturbated in a tent

so yeah yeah yeah no i love the native americans forgot you jacked off in a tent you guys have never jacked off in a tent i don't think that wasn't the first time i you jacked off in a tent you guys have never jacked off in a tent i don't think that wasn't the first time i've jacked off in a tent i jacked off in it not like a not like a tent ass so you're talking like a tent just like i went to party or party city fucking rei or whatever and bought a tent right yeah i jacked off in like more of a semi-permanent tent like a summer camp when i was in high school like a big easy up yeah yeah it was like a jrotc like a cabin made of fabric basically like oh i see i was in high school like a big easy up yeah yeah it was like a jrotc like a cabin made of fabric basically like oh i see there was a junior army camp and we were all just

jerking off and acting like we weren't i definitely haven't jerked myself off in a tent but you've gotten jerked off in a tent no not that one either yeah you guys gotta spend more time with tents man the tents are great camping's awesome. Not in the city, but like where there's nature and shit. Do a little cramping while you're camping. Not to be bougie, but I like to come where there's plumbing. Like, that's my deal.

I mean, trees are nature's plumbing, baby. Fuck you. Well, what do you wipe it up with? Your sleeping bag? Like, do you bring an extra T-shirt? Yeah, or a sock. You get a cum sock. There's some tree somewhere that's just been fertilized with your cum,

so it's growing apples, but they all have your face. Oh, boy, I'm going to get to eat today. I'm going to go in a pie. Tom's cum is what turns a regular apple tree into a horse apple tree i don't know what a horse apple tree is it's like those those inedible crab apples they're not crap crab apples look like apples horse apples are like these big weird scaly things that are completely inedible um but the reason they exist is because at one point in history, that's what mammoths ate. They don't exist anymore, but the horse apple tree still does.

Interesting. Why don't they call them mammoth apples? Because they didn't know that when they first started calling them that. Yeah, Keith. Oh, fuck me. All right. Duh. It was only much later that we were able to figure out why is there an apple that can't be eaten?

It doesn't make sense. Oh. For a thing that's dead. eaten? It doesn't make sense. Oh. From the Ice Age. Do you want me to bring it up so you don't have to hunt? So were you like does John Waters have a new podcast about outdated fruits? Why do you know this? I know a lot of things. I just learned things.

I amass information. Tom fixing anything looks like a guy who's pretending to be the thing he's fixing Tom's adjusting our boom mic stand and he looks like he has horn swab is that better

yes thank you Tom looks like he both is and lives on the roadie yeah I do like apples on that riveting note do we want to jump into the Mexican joke Yeah, I do like apples. On that riveting note, do we want to jump into the Mexican joke? Let's do it. I think so. I'll take us away this week.

I like apples. I told you about the pocket apple story, right? We know the pocket apple. Everybody knows pocket apples. I don't think I know pocket apples. Pocket apple, when I was a little kid, I got really into the Huck Finn. He always had an apple. Maybe it was Tom Sawyer. Either one.

So I decided to just start eating an apple and then put another apple in my pocket so I'd have another apple to eat. You know, like a cool guy from the 1700s. I finish the apple, I go to my neighbor, and I see my friend's home, and he opens the door, and he's like,

oh, no, Jake's not here right now. You want an apple? And I pull an apple out of my pocket like i already got one and by the way you keeping apples in your pockets is the extent of what you've gotten out of all that literature they made you read he stopped at and he had an apple in his pocket trying to trying to trade apple cores for whitewashing offense about as much as you got out of the dozens of great books your parents made you read instead of learning to interact with other people. I read the collective works of Mark Twain, so now I say the M word and put

fruit in my pants. This is what we're homeschooling gets you. Yeah, no, apple pants is definitely a homeschool move. Well, think about the size of a bulge of an apple in your pants and then Tom and then everything you could think that might be. You had the apple pocket jeans and the boots

with the fur. Well an apple's bigger than a grenade. You couldn't even see. Well it depends on the apple. I guess, but who cares? Where did the seven year old get a grenade? I'm just saying you wouldn't see it and be like it's a grenade.

You'd be like that's a, you know. I do picture Tom putting the apples in each pocket and then going for his bike ride, going through his day, and then at the end of the day, taking his clothes off and always wondered, why do I have these two bruises

right at the tops of my thighs? I will be- Never putting it together. No. So I'll be honest. I know this from my childhood. It is hard to bicycle when you have apples in your pockets

Well, whoever runs the things Tom says portion of the discord just gotta lay up It's hard to ride a bicycle when you've got apples in your pockets That like sounds like folksy wisdom and if you think about it for half a second you realize it's fucking nonsense I should have been able to figure it out myself

but I was like 8 It's like it's hard to get on a train when you're covered in bees. As an old man, every time Tom sees anyone with an apple, he's going to say, hey, don't put that in your pocket and go for a bike ride. And they're going to do that because they're like, I wasn't planning on it, but if he doesn't want me to,

it must be a good idea. All right, I got a joke. For the first time in 50 years, the US will have no pandas in it. People interested in seeing stocky, undersexed creatures can still visit the Tom Goss enclosure. It's a real kick the shit out of Tom

day to day. That's fine. Bring it. Okay, I go. Don't you ever roll that R again. Stabilize your R at once. Bring the pain. Tighten the fucking screw on that consonant. All right. Scientists have found DNA from a six million year old turtle.

They found it in Jill Biden's pussy. I love that because it's political and turtles. Your favorite things. Two things I love. Sticking it to old man Biden and elderly reptiles. A Wisconsin high school football coach was fired for repeatedly using the word Nazi as a play call

during a game versus a Jewish school. Upon the firing, the coach states, yeah, probably good you did that before we played the black school. Zyklon blue 42 1488 uh we're gonna do the don't let them into the statue of liberty play oh we're gonna it's the hail morty uh speaking of fired football coaches they are great at getting a quarterback

wow and that's why you get the big bucks folks Dave already out with the triple double all right sorry oh you're good please this is the first time ever really all stops you could be more anti-semitic they fucking they love the bills that's This is the first time I've ever been like, no, I'll stop so you can be more anti-Semitic. They fucking, they love the bills.

Holy shit. Michigan State football coach Mel Tucker was fired for masturbating during a phone call with the woman hired by the team to teach sexual harassment prevention. They should probably fire her, too, because she's not very good at her job. Your one job, make this guy not be a rape. And then, eh, what are you going to do? All right, harassment claims have hit a U.S. base in Antarctica. Ladies, why not just give him the cold shoulder, huh?

Cutter has a note. Tag, ha-cha-cha-cha-cha. It's written out in there. Activate spinning bow tie time permitting. It just says engage schtick. Waka, parentheses, waka. While being questioned by Piers Morgan, chess prodigy Hans Nieman repeatedly denied

using vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess. He then clarified, you said cheat at chess, right? Not heighten the shame of being scolded on live TV? I am a not in the chess queen. That is such a killer. Like the dudes who beat roulette. Like if he actually is doing that, that's amazing.

He's got like a better grandmaster behind him. Two buzz for white to A7, you know, like. There can't be enough money in professional chess to make it worth shoving a thing up your ass well what's so bad about having a vibrating butt plug in your ass like that's a big it's a chore it doesn't i don't know i guess if you like vibrating butt plugs but a lot of people don't i think everybody does and they just either don't know it yet or unwilling to admit it so what you're saying is you will do this show with a vibrating anal bead in. Yeah.

What is the information I'm being fed? I don't know. That you're a naughty little pig. Like I can't get jokes through a butt plug. Can we do them in Morse code? Hold on. I'm getting something. I think if it gets a sexual thrill out of cheating, then, you know, it might all just be gravy.

Yeah. That makes sense. Flamingos have been spotted living in Wisconsin for the first time ever. You'll know they're Wisconsin flamingos because their breath smells like Miller Lite and they weigh 300 pounds. That'd be sick, a 300 pound flamingo with just tiny ass little legs.

They just shatter. That's right, Tom Goss. Stick it to the fat drunks. This just in, kettle black, according to Pot. Let's do this one. A new service is allowing people to talk to an AI-generated gay best friend, though the easiest way to interact with a robotic twink is still to start a podcast with Connor McSpadden.

What? Me? No. No, let's be fair. Connor's not a twink anymore. No. No, I'm old and haggard now. Yeah, you're a twunk now.

Yeah, you're like an otter, but one that lived outside of Chernobyl. Like, that's what you are. Yeah. Salty otter. That's the name of my bar. You do look like one of those bears that gets so unhealthy, they start thinking it's a different kind of animal. Are we talking about gay bears or bear bears?

No, no, no. Just like bears and the real bears who like if they live in like a bad area, they get really skinny and they think it's a chupacabra. Okay. No, no. That's just a bear with mange. It doesn't eat well. I thought those were raccoons. I thought you meant the bear thought it was something else. Like it had brain rot and it was like, chupacabra. Okay. No, no, that's just a bear with mange that doesn't eat well. I thought those were raccoons.

I thought you meant the bear thought it was something else. Like it had brain rot and it was like, I'm a hippo now. Like it was all fucking stupid. Johnny got his gun, bear. Well, I don't know.

There could be trans bears. If a bear wants to identify as a hippo, who am I to stop it? I'm going to say it again. I want you guys to back up and cut that. Yeah, Connor looks like one of those polar bears that you're like,

look how sad it is, how long he hasn't eaten. All right, now that all that tomfoolery is behind us. That was Connor foolery. We did all the tomfoolery earlier. There's more to Tom's comment. If all this fucking Keith fuckery is over. A woman who torched a Wyoming abortion clinic

was sentenced to five years in jail, but with good behavior, she could be up by her 15th trimester. Scientists have found evidence that ancient humans regularly had sex with their distant primate cousins, but to avoid breaking the law, the videos listed them as step-cousins.

A new museum of failure has opened. It's showcasing items like The Shake Weight, New Coke, and 9 of My Old Podcasts Ah yes The Leaving the Tribe Wing Do they really have the Shake Weight in there? Yeah Oh that's funny

McDonald's is planning to discontinue self-serve beverages So now you'll have to drink your soda the old-fashioned way, straight from the grimaces' nipples. All right, Cher is accused of hiring men to kidnap her son and take him to rehab. As they carried him away, they screamed in his face, do you believe in life after drugs? Is that even illegal?

No, and I've known some rich celebrities that do shit like this like there's you can there's companies you can hire to kidnap your fuck up family members and take them to rehab yeah like that's a service that's out there i guess interventions you can't leave you can't leave like drag them in i guess is that the whole to an intervention yeah i mean i think it's against the spirit of normal intervention. You can't let normal people legally do that. You can share legally. If you're rich, you can just do that. Oh, good mother. A crocodile

in a Costa Rican zoo is the first ever known to exhibit a virgin birth laying viable eggs despite never having had sex. Scientists said this is an amazing find they hope will lead to millions of crocodiles killing each other for centuries. The crocquisition. Croc Christ.

A human skull was found in an Arizona Goodwill donation box. The police have been investigating for months and have finally come to the conclusion that this was, in fact, an action of bad will. Travis Kelsey. You guys saw that Travis Kelsey from the Chiefs is banging Taylor Swift. Yes.

Travis Kelsey's ex-girlfriend says she's receiving death threats from Taylor Swift fans, making her the first woman to be in more danger after she breaks up with an NFL player. I missed the middle. Would have been great if I didn't eat shit. Yeah, I missed the middle. All right, last one. The federal judge took issue with the Texas law that would ban drag shows in the state.

The law was struck down and the dicks remained tucked down. A 16-year-old girl in Florida died after being struck by lightning. Doctors say her death was caused by instant cardiac and pulmonary arrest, but the rest of Florida decided it was the vaccine. The Philadelphia Phillies denied entry of a fan's emotional support alligator, which is weird because there's no rule in the rule book that says an alligator can't watch baseball. He's a regular guy emotionally

comforted by a swamp monster she's a fucking alligator why can't an alligator eat a hot dog and also maybe bryce harper but don't worry because there's also no rule that says an alligator can't play baseball he loves the phillies she's a fucking alligator coming this fall air chomp with a cameo from jeff foxworthy saying if you have an emotional support alligator you might be a redneck florence pew is gonna flash a swamp while riding rampagator there's gonna be a scene where the umpire says you're out while the gator is shitting out the third baseman there's no rule that says you need a hand to win the Golden Gloves. Air chop.

Baseball just got fun again. I don't know where to begin addressing that other than starting with, why would you keep the word air, which is about basketball? I mean, the baseball's there, too. That was the longest piece of writing you've ever done that wasn't a terrifying movie or play. Holy shit. Sometimes you got to take a swing. Yeah.

Just like Eric Chom. And batter up, batter up, batter up. There's a gator at home. God damn it, Tom. And finally, a cork. Gator done. Dave looks sad. Dave's going to do a stand-up in an arena in three hours.

He's like, God, I gotta put up with this gator shit. Imagine being too much of an unruly dumb shit to get into a sports game in Philadelphia. I know. Finally, a coroner has revealed Price is Right hosts Bob Barker's cause of death. Turns out it was a combination of Alzheimer's, hypertension, and being mauled by a pack of castrated dogs. They hate him so much. Yeah, they got their fucking revenge.

Man. Does Drew Carey have a sign-off thing that he does when he hosts Price is Right? Yeah, he goes, don't forget to get your fucking dog pregnant. He goes the whole other way. Correct me if I'm wrong. Travis Kelsey is the child Dane Cook married. You know her name?

No. Kelsey Taylor. They're very similar names. That's really funny. That's like an AI-generated white girl name. Yeah, that is. Kelsey Taylor. If your name is Kelsey Taylor,

you never age past 19. Like, you're just frozen in amber. Yeah. Well, amber is your best friend. There it is. Alright, well, we really got to start not saving the best ones for first. Yeah. That was the Mexican joke off. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back right after this.

It was Halloween this. They saw something wild and you know I'm not lying It was a bonafide seven-wood chocolate giant That candy colossus got their tummies a-crumblin' But they all got their shakes when the ground started rumblin' Oh wow! This cat was totally loco Holy cow! A monster man made a cocoa No way! And then his booming voice roared What'd he say? roll he said I am the Fudge Lord.

Billy was the bravest, so he went in for a bite. But the Fudge Lord started glowing with an eerie red light. Billy got so scared, he went out of hers to squirt. The Fudge Lord said, Do not run, this will hurt. His eyes caught a flaming Fudgy laser beam. The kid was desperate for even had a chance to dream. The others tried to run but there was nowhere to hide. A cage with chocolate bars appeared and trapped them inside.

Oh no! The Fudge Lord is displeased! Let him go! Your flesh reeks of disease! They're stuck! Balance must be restored! They're fucked! So say it, the Fudge Lord!

Fudge Lord! Your species has been judged! Fudge Lord! You will become fudge! Fudge Lord! Through pain there is salvation! Fudge Fudge You will become Fudge Fudge Fudge Through pain there is salvation Fudge Fudge Commencing Fudgefication

And then he used his crazy lasers to deatomize those children And send them to the vast Fudge State This shit was fucked up He blasted the kids with a big laser beamer Their bodies started melting like it was Hiroshima A portal opened up, some horrible invention Then they doubled to the terrifying fuzz dimension They saw the freaky, dinky fabric of time and space

Chakanam have approved that their lives were a waste They didn't even struggle as they swallowed the studs Time and space, Chakanam have approved That their lives were a waste. They didn't even struggle As they swallowed the studs. The old gods are dead, You are one with the fun. So here's a fun-sized tip When you're out tricking and treating.

If you travel with this truffle, It's your maker you'll be meeting. Don't snicker, Cause he ain't no joke, So here's my central thesis. He'll nestle and crunch your bones Into a million Reese's Pieces. Reese's Pieces do not contain the fudge. They are born of peanut butter,

the ambrosia of the heritage. Bleed for your sins. I am the fudge lord. All right. We are back, and we're playing a game near and dear to our hearts. Everyone, ladies and gentlemen, it's Tom Tomperty. Let's have a little respect. Is this the first time we've played Tom Tomperdy since Alex Trebek's death? When did he die? I don't know. Is he dead?

For the sake of making it seem important, I'll say yes. Okay. I think it is. Yeah, I think, yeah. No, I'm pretty sure that is. Oh, well now he's Alex Trebek. You know, someone gave me a terrible Christmas gift of Alex Trebek's autobiography,

which I can't, you know, if you know me at all, you'd know I would never read such a thing. And so that happened after Mean Boys ended, so I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah. Well, he's dead. Are you guys ready for your categories? By the way, I know this is going to be a good, well-thought-out game

because 30 seconds before we recorded, Tom was frantically scribbling in a notebook in the part. Oh, I had to make the board. All right, your categories are animal accessories, presidents, horror movies, and New York. Ooh, animal accessories. And two questions. One, who goes first?

And B, do we still have to do bear cum to buzz in? Yes, bear cum. And Dave will go first. He is the guest. All right. I'm going to do this rationally and take New York. For 100? And once again, the person who feels, of all of us, whoever feels they have the answer,

yells bear cum first. Yes. All first. Yes. So New York for 100? Yes. Flavor triangle. Bear come. Pizza. Correct. Make sure to keep track of your own points. What? Yeah, that's always

how we've done it. I'll take New York for two. Let's keep it trucking. New York for 200. The thing there's something in. Fuck off. The thing there's something in? Yes. Buildings.

Wrong. Bear cum. Times Square. No. Do we get negative points for being wrong? No. Bear cum. The place where 9-11 happened. No, the answer was water.

There's something in the water. Wow. Oh, my God. Eat shit. Wow. Eat shit and related dye. It's good that we're getting to see exactly what the boxing has done to your brain. All right.

What are my other categories? Horror movies, presidents, and animal accessories. I'm so curious how many of the presidents turn out to not actually be presidents. I'm going to go presidents for 100. Presidents for 100. Tall man, hat guy. Abraham Lincoln. Correct.

I've been binging a podcast about the president, so I'm feeling pretty good about this. Bearcum for 200. You mean presidents for 200? No, I want to talk about... Oh, I should make a bearcum category. Presidents for 200. Rubber ducky, you're no fun.

Bearcum. Grover Cleveland. Oh, no, sorry. Taft. Taft is correct. Oh, because he's fat. You got stuck in the bathtub. Yeah.

That was like too clever. I'm like, oh, shit. It's a reference to a thing. I'll go. Keith only knows the fat president. Indeed, yeah. You know, Colonel Sanders. Grove dog.

The grove dog is champ. I'll go President's 300. Mr. Wedding Planner. Mr. Wedding Planner. Mr. Wedding Planner. What the fuck? I don't even kind of know this one. Bearcum? Carter? Nope. Bearcum.

Reagan? Nope. What the hell? Bearcum Nixon? Nope. It was Obama. Because he drones because he drone struck a bunch of weddings oh god i mean but they all did that yeah trump did more yeah sure but yeah yeah yeah did pick up when he anyway don't take away obama's crowning achievement yeah no people remember all right i think it's me again yep uh let's go horror movies for 100 horror movies for 100 uh let's dive in the lake

bear come uh fred the 13th correct dave controls the board all right new york for three. New York for 300. Green face, bitch. Bearcum. Statue of Liberty. Correct. All right. Presidents for 400. Presidents for 400. Peanut House. Bearcum. Jimmy Carter.

Correct. God damn. Bearcum for 500. Damn it. Presidents for five. All right. The River Man. bear come for 500 all right the river man bear come Mark Twain Washington correct oh shit what number was that that was five presidents for 500 okay 700 I was really hoping one of them was going to not be a president. I really was counting on it. I was hoping one wasn't going to be a president.

You said New York for 400? Yeah. Fuckhole bread. Bagel. Correct. What is that for? Let's close out New York. Reverse door sidewalk.

Reverse? Bearcum? Rotating doors? No. Bearcum subway? No. No. I fucking have no idea.

There come the 9-11 memorial. No, reverse door sidewalk is Wall Street. Oh, my God. A wall is the opposite of a door? Yeah, I don't know if I agree with that. Well, you can walk through one of them, and one of them you can't. I think Tom's right here. Opposite there.

Fucking horror movies for shut up. Reverse yep. Oh, bear cup. Bear cup. You watch videos of British Parliament and they're all like... Fucking nope. Correct. What was that, 200? Yep. Let's go for three. Between spring and fall.

Bear come. Midsummer. Correct. Animal accessories for 100. Yes. Tiny jail. Bear come. Crate. Yes. Animal accessories for 200. Bear cum. Crate. Yes. Animal accessories for 200.

Horse pants. Bear cum. Saddle. Correct. Animal accessories for 300. Horse pants kill me. Animal Accessories for $300. Animal Accessories for $300. But it goes on top of the horse. Is that really how pants work?

What do I do? Do I get his voice? Over here, it's legs. Okay. Alright, it was Animal Accessories for $300. It was animal accessories for 300. Bondage, doggie, sadomasochism. Bear cum. I think that was Dave.

Bondage, doggie, sadomasochism is choke collar. Correct. Damn. Okay. 400. 400. Flap, flap flap sit stick there come a bird perch what what was that four that's 400 let's fucking go uh animal accessories for five uh the double eye patch. Bearcum. A falcon's hood.

No. Bearcum. Horse blinders. Correct. Boom. Go with the pants. What's left? Although that does fit. It does fit. It's just not what I had written. I think it's just horror movies. Yeah, horror movies for 400 and 500. Alright, let's take it for four.

After the polishing. Bear Cum. The Shining. Correct. God damn it. That's the last one. I wish this was a crossword puzzle that I could do every day. Honestly, we should do that.

All right, it was horror movies for $500. Miss Spice Poops a Kid. Bear cum. You said Miss Spice Poops a Kid? Mm-hmm. Miss Spice Poops a Kid. The Gingerbread Man? No.

Miss Spice Poops a Kid. Oh, goddammit, bear cum. Rosemary's baby. Correct. Fuck. Fucking shit. All right, let's get ready for that final solution. How much do you guys all have?

We counted up. Five, nine, 40. I have 1,400. I have 2,700. I think I have 15, nine, 40. I have 1,400. I have 2,700. I think I have 15 or 1,000. Okay. Okay. So write down how much you all are wagering.

All right. The category is kids entertainment. Interesting. Great. Good news. Kids love entertainment. All right. You guys all news. Kids love entertainment. All right. You guys all got your numbers?

Yes. How much are we all wagering? I just wrote down horse pants. I'm wagering $2,700. All of it? Yeah. Whatever it is I have. Okay.

All right. Cool. It's okay. And the hint is English muffin orgy. Okay. Okay, all right. Cool. Okay, and the hint is English muffin orgy. Okay. How do we do this again? Write down your answer.

Okay, English muffin orgy. What's the category? Kids entertainment. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Point of order. Uh-huh. Let's say hypothetically I know the answer But I feel like to get to the clue You've provided you've said the name of it

Incorrectly What? Okay I know what it is Category is what again? Category it's Muffin orgy Yes English muffin orgy Yeah the category is kids entertainment.

I missed this game. Oh, yeah, this is a lot of fun. Horsepants. I don't know why that got me. I don't know why either. I got nothing. Take a guess. I mean, I got a gotta guess But it's wrong It's Thomas the Train

It is Thomas the Train What did you guys have? I didn't have any Okay I just wrote down The Backyard Against Because it was the only Kid show I could think of

How the fuck is it Thomas the Train? Thomas is a brand Of English muffins, and a train is when many people fuck one person. I spent too much time with Tom, where I have fused with his brain a little bit. No, it's beautiful in its Byzantines.

Well, that was Tom Toppery, guys. That was a lot of fun. Holy shit. Yeah. Sometimes the final solution is real easy sometimes it's difficult and now you got to give Keith $5,400 you fucking owe me dude oh no that's no you guys that's not how Jeopardy works the other the two people who lose don't pay the winner it would be a better show if it worked like that there's just like a fucking big goon at the end who shakes you down. Yeah, we should put 20 bucks up next time we play Tom Tomperdy or something.

Oh, that would make it fun. I'm into it. Yeah. All right. Well, we'll be right back after these messages. What's happening? Snoop Dogg is definitely in the building. Shout out to the Mean Boys for letting me use their platform for this important announcement.

I need an audience as sensitive as the news the Dogg has to share today. So remember I'm trusting you to hear these words deep in your heart. The way I'm speaking them, from deep in my heart. After decades in the spotlight, I bet you thought you knew the D-O-double G. But what I bet you didn't know is that both those G's stand for gay. That's right, people. I'm gay. Gayer than Dr. Dre in the 80s. Gayer than Easy East Blood. Gayer than a village people reunion at the Botanical Garden. My whole life I've been afraid to admit. Sodomy was the case that they gave me. What can I say? I love cop. It's like a blunt

full of cream filling. Like a Cadillac Eldorado that fits in your mouth like a glove. Like a hard beat with a soft skin. Goddamn dick skin is soft. Softer than Macklemore at a kitty cat convention. I love it and I'm not keeping it inside anymore. Well, actually, that's exactly where I keep it. Inside my mouth, my ass, and most importantly, my heart. I got dick in my heart, and I'm never letting it out. I got dick locked up in my heart tighter than shoe knife. I'd like to thank my wife, my kids, and my management team for standing by me during my homosexual awakening, and to you for listening. It's such a relief now that everybody knows I want the jizzle for shizzle. Dog out.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time to take another dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything God is dead Send us an email or give us a call Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog?

It's the motherfucking Mean Boys Mailbag It's the Mean Boys Mailbag Fuck everything God is dead Something fucking the dog Mean Boys You know we actually put the song in Everton. God, he's good. Something fucking a dog. Mean boys. You know we actually put the song in.

Yeah. Well, now there's two songs. Yeah, there's two songs now. There's two songs. You get to hear the original on the cover. Yeah. If you heard the song and you're like, that was too good. All right. Andre Guzzetta writes, question for the pod.

What's your dream project? Like if you won the lottery and never had to work for anyone else, what would you make? I know exactly what I would make. It's a movie that me and Keith have been talking about a long time. The fucking, the genie dick thing? It's a scenario where a genie shows up. And how does this work, Keith? I don't even know if it was a genie or what the deal was.

It was basically like something where it's like two homies show up somewhere and through a series of magical interventions one has to give up his dick to save the other one's life yes and then it's just we just wanted to follow the aftermath of their life like 10 years after that it's like yeah it's a very it's a very heavy drama about what happens to their friendship yeah and the guy's like well yeah i would love to find a girlfriend i have a fucking dick yeah just like this sad, heavy, like Terrence Malick movie about the man who a genie stole his penis. Yes, exactly. But just the first five minutes are ridiculous.

Yeah. I would like to follow every single live show that Burt Kreischer does, and at every single one, have Tom Shirtless doing stand-up for free right next to it. Holy shit. In every parking lot.

That would be a great fucking documentary for so many reasons. The machine and the latrine. Selling bootleg Chrysler sets in the parking lot. Am I doing his material or my own material? You're doing your own material, but it's mostly about his material. Oh, I'm writing jokes about his ass. Yes. Bert's nipples, huh?

Fucking pretty perky. He would bring up Russians to be like, you'll drink more than he does. You are meant, he thinks he is. That's pretty funny. Yeah, I got a bunch of scripts. I'd probably make one of those into a movie. Or I'd just keep the money. That's probably the best idea. Yeah.

Yeah, invest in, I don't know, gas or something. Yeah, the project I'd like to work on if I never had to work again is just, I'd like to fuck on a boat until I die. Well, I'd like to work. I'd like to not be poor so I can just do stand up. Yeah. Is really what I'd like to do. Yeah, I don't even know.

This is the problem is this is the kind of question I feel like we would get sometimes like when we were doing the show originally. And COVID proved to me that the answer is I will do nothing. Because that was like the most time I had to be like, whatever project you want to do, now's the time to do it. And I just sat around and was sad for two years. Oh, boy, was I worried that the writer's strike ended. I'm like, I should have written a movie.

Oh, dude, a hard saver. I actually wrote one. It doesn't matter because I'm not in the guild that doesn't exist right now. Well, then you fit right in with everyone protesting. Yeah, you do i went to the i went once to go walk with the writers guild and i met a girl that i'd like been on a date with like 14 years ago and had just nothing to do with it she was just like yeah i'm just a fan of unions

what yeah she's like one of those people that follows fish around, but for strikes. Yeah, I guess. Well, she's pre-WGA, which there's about 11,000 WGA writers, and there's technically about 7.9 billion pre-WGA writers. Yeah, everyone is pre-WGA. Wait, what is that even mean? That's a term they use for not WGA. I've been pre-WGA, and now I'm WGA,

but it's like you have qualifying points but not enough to put you in the guild. Oh, so you have to have some points. Yeah, you have to have some amount of points. So what is no points? You're a guy. I'm a guy. You're top. Alright, I'll take it. That's pre-pre-WGA. That's upgrading from thing.

I'm fucking winning today. Well, the way that it works is to be qualified for WGA, you have to be best friends with a John Rudnitsky or higher. Okay. Let's see what we got. Tommy Light says, he asks me, what was the project that you worked on that made you stop Tina's?

So I'm not going to say what it is because I'm still kind of working on it, but just because I never addressed this, I felt really bad about how not a show ended because i got it i was working a gig that was freelance and then they were like hey we want to make you full-time but you're going to not be able to do any other shows and i went well i better quit not a show immediately so it doesn't end awkwardly and then like 12 hours after i did that the whole fucking deal went tits up uh and it took like months to get worked out so i still have a gig a bunch of people like when we announced me was just coming back we're like congratulations on getting fired keith did not happen but uh yeah well now that you said it oh yeah no for sure but imagine the sadness of finding out that a new job wasn't even enough

to stop having to do this is not a show yeah But yeah, look, it's a radio thing. It's not a cool thing. I felt bad because people were speculating. They're like, is Keith writing Rick and Morty or something? They were just writing jobs I wish I had. Hasan Minhaj is out. Is Keith going to host The Daily Show? Oh, dude, by the way, can we retire Steve Ranazzisi's liar jersey

now that Hasan Minhaj is the new guy? I think we just add them both to the rafters. Okay. What did he lie about? He doesn't actually have a kid or something? He's actually white, I think is what it is. I thought so. Hassan, I mean, it is a real thing.

We're like, we all lie in standup. That's part of the job. 100%. But you don't lie about that part of the joke. What did he lie about? He made up stories about like- He like added emotional heft to things. He made up stories about like... He like added emotional heft to things. He made up stories about being discriminated against,

about his children's lives being put in danger by racists. So it was a lot of like, not the part of the joke you usually lie. You usually lie about the end of the joke, not the beginning of the joke. Like, actually this happened on two days, but I'm just going to make it one day because the story's easier, you know? That's a fine lie.

I'm going to change some names so that people don't know who this is actually about. I saw compare it to like what if the end of nanette was the lie like that was kind of the energy of it well i mean i know the first half's true because the sky is blue a lot of material and how skies are blue like imagine if my like you've seen me do the i talk about the kanye thing yeah imagine if that was made up. And Kanye never said a word about me and I just had a 10 minute chunk about getting death threats. Do we have anything else in the

Insta or should we go to the voicemails? Let's hit a couple of these voicemails. Alright. I can't hear because I don't have headphones is the problem. So voicemails might not super work for this way Well, we have four. Oh Yeah, I don't have the quarter-inch jack Can we play it?

Also like I mean I could play it on the computer theoretically, but it's going to be a bitch to edit it in. I was going to suggest one of these. That's kind of insane. I could work with that. Or it might make sense for you guys to work with that. Yeah, because there's another pair of headphones. Yeah.

This is riveting to hear us solve this. Welcome to Behind the Mean Boys. How many podcasters does it take to wear three pairs of headphones? All right, let me know when you guys are good to go. Four. I'll crank the volume here. All right, here we go. Hey, Mean Boys.

It's Alexis again. Fuck me sideways. Apparently, I left my last voicemail just asking you guys a stupid question. Then listen to the new episode and everybody is just spilling their guts about how their lives have been going. So I guess I better join the parade. And to make it not depressing, yes, Ian and I are still happily married. So no divorce here. My kids have been asking when you're going to come visit us again. So there's that.

And since I know you hate Indiana so much, we are moving to Western New York. So that's what's been happening in my life. I'm actually driving seven hours to my new job in Buffalo right now, listening to old episodes. All right, real quick, I do want to pause. It's like, I know you guys were bummed out in fucking indiana so i moved somewhere way more exciting buffalo i would rather go to buffalo than than indiana yeah yeah really because you know they have the wings everywhere proliferated no i had fun in upstate new york they're more similar kind of trash to me than than indiana trash okay yeah i can see that all right we got she's got more i still do have

another question because right now my life is very kind of unstable since i'm staying with a relative up in new york and haven't had this level of instability as far as places to stay in a really long time. And I know Tom was saying in the kitchen, but what is the absolute worst living situation or most precarious living situation you guys have ever been in? I guess would be my question. Aside from that, yeah, sexy chicken Mike Pence costume sounds like it would be a really horrible, terrifying time

considering I'm from Indiana and know who the fuck he is like really well. So, yeah, I'm leaving a message again, and now I'm rambling. So, love you guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Bye. I feel like there's really no point in anyone besides Keith answering that question.

The most precarious living situation. Because I'm like, you listen to it. It was called the Mean Boys podcast. It ran from 2015 to 2019. Keith is the only one who has any shot of beating Pac Palace. Yeah. That's not the worst place I lived while Mean Boys was happening. No, the worst place you lived while mean boys was happening no the worst place you

lived while me was happening was that fucking the oliver harding's hat closet yeah where i lived in yeah i lived in a storage loft you had to climb a ladder and then crawl into the bed because you couldn't you couldn't even be on your knees straight up and my roommates were keith ray love the guy interesting roommate uh asan who's great love love asan and then another guy who had just got kicked out of opening for a band that I'm not going to say on the air for sexual misconduct, uh, who would get blackout drunk and punch holes in the wall. Well, that all adds up.

And that was in a closet. I know. I visited, we recorded the first episodes of mean boys in this closet. And when you looked up on, it looks like Tom lived on like a shelf. Yeah. Like a shelf that you lived on. Yeah. And I, I, I peaked up on the shelf and it's like a mattress with no sheets a bottle

of whiskey and a sledgehammer i was like a figurine for people are gonna kill themselves yeah there i remember looking up there and it was just like a half empty giant tub of peanuts yeah and then just a lot of clearly cum stained tissues yep tissues. Yep. I'm trying to think what the fucking gnarliest place that I ever lived as a kid. Honestly, a lot of them, like, actual location-wise, not quite as bad as Pac-Pal got. Oh, that motel where the kid died was pretty rough. I lived in a motel, like, two miles from Disneyland. And it was just, like, this super gnarly tweaker motel where it was like everybody who lived there was on math. And then like for two days a month, everyone had to leave and then come back 24 hours later.

Because that's how they got around not making it an apartment. But I remember there was one morning where like we heard a bunch of yelling. We went out and some kid had just fucking beefed it off the third story and like exploded. And we all just kind of went, well, time to go about our cracky activities. Like it just kind of. Wow. He terminally beefed it, huh? I guess he beefed it.

He fucking beefed it to death. Ma'am, are you sitting down? I have terrible news for you. I'm afraid your son has beefed it to a permanent end. Yeah. He's reached terminal beef. Mrs. Doblitsky, your son is gnarred too hard. The term that your son shit is pretty fucked up.

He has shredded his last. I really wish this sounded better. It's almost worth not saying, but Tom wasn't really an elf on a shelf as much as an oaf on a loft. I've been trying to crack an elf on a shelf for a minute. All right, let's go to the next.

Did you ever live anywhere worse than Pac-Pal? No, no, no, no. I mean. Vietnam just played a counter size. Like my, yeah, my, like I, we got robbed in the house I lived in when I was like from zero to 10, probably like six or seven times, but you just kind of got used to it. Right. You know, it's just every once in a while somebody takes a PlayStation.

Yeah. It's like having like rats or something. It's just like, I, get used to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Hey, boys, it's Kevin from Texas. I thought I'd give you a call and leave a message. Keeping tradition, obviously, I'm driving a Honda Civic.

I don't know why y'all need to know that, but apparently y'all do. I just felt the need to, I don't have a lot to say, but I just felt like it was important to call y'all. Every time somebody says, I don't have a lot to say, but I just felt like it was important to call y'all. Every time somebody says, I don't have a lot to say, I have to scroll a lot. Just having one caller who doesn't currently have a gun in his mouth seemed like something y'all could use. So I just wanted to say thanks for coming back. Really looking forward to the 10-episode miniseries. You know, definitely brightened my day.

I was getting up to teach evolution to a bunch of 12-year-olds in Texas. So, you know, you can imagine how that goes and how that feels some mornings. And, you know, got the pleasant surprise that y'all were back. Love to see it. Just remember, if y'all ever have any reason to be in Houston and you need a shuttle to the next fucking city, I'm willing to leave a bunch of underprivileged youth with a sub for a day

if need be. So don't hesitate to reach out. Glad y'all are doing good and I hope to hear from you again. Hear from you in the future, next time you're in town. Thanks for bringing it all back. God bless you. Also, I want to be clear to anybody who, if I've

shit on your state, it's most likely just because I've been there a lot. Nowhere Good books us multiple times. Most of my opinions end up being negative at some point in time. Because I think Texas is also a shithole, like Indiana, but I'd go back to both gladly. I care more about the people who are going to come to the

show than the place. None of your fans live somewhere good. Like the state they're in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Physically, mentally. None of them have normal jobs. None of them just teach math in Omaha. It's always evolution in Texas. Right. I feel like most of the places

that I have a really hardline stance against, what I really hate is just the club I bombed at and the two strip malls closest to it. That's all I've really experienced. Yeah, but I will draw very strong opinions over a quarter-mile radius of a city I was in for eight hours. I don't think you need to see that much of a place to get the gist of it.

Unpopular opinion. I'm kind of in the same boat. Most places are the same. Yeah, most places are exactly what you expect them to be. Alright, here's one. The world is devoid of magic. Never be surprised. Every state in America is the same

strip mall with honey-baked ham. It's just everywhere is the same. There are some places I really liked because they are a little different. That's one thing I really like about Pittsburgh. They have their own deal going on and there's some places I really liked because they are a little different. That's one thing I really like about Pittsburgh. They have their own deal going on, and it's weird. Yeah, but most places are just Fresno. Yes, yes.

Hello, Mean Boys. It's great that you guys are back. I've been re-listening to some of your older episodes, and it reminded me of something. What happened to Keith trying to get Tom in the cage? Did he give up? Did he do it? Is that something. What happened to Keith trying to get Tom in the cage? Did he give up? Did he do it? Is that something that's still going on?

Love to hear about it. Thanks. Bye. No comment is all I'll say. I don't think you'll ever get Tom in a cage. I think that you're too lazy and Tom's too wily. It's too much of a project. Yeah, I think we have a call to and Tom's too wily. It's too much of a project. Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't, I think we even called it true.

So here's the thing. I was just talking to Jordan about this because I might have been, I don't know. I might be thinking about it. Don't worry about it. And she was like, but you called the truce. And I had to explain to her, it doesn't matter because if I put you in the cage, no one will care that we call the truce. Sure.

I will still be the winner in the eyes of the American public. And I'll still get, when you fail, I still get to beat the shit out of you. If I fail. Yeah. If you truth. Sure. I will still be the winner in the eyes of the American public. And I'll still get, when you fail, I still get to beat the shit out of you. If I fail. Yeah, if you fail. Yeah. If I get you in the cage, you don't get to beat me out.

Yeah, and I can't break out of the cage. No, hang on. I can't. No, no. We established this. I was on the show. We discussed this. If Tom can physically break out of the cage.

Oh, really? Dave's being the lawyer here? Shut up. If Tom can physically break out of the cage, it is not a cage. Yeah. It's just. Enclosure. Yeah.

It's more of a body cone at that point. And it's just a room. Yeah. Yeah. It's a room that I broke. It's only a cage if Tom cannot break it open. Okay. Now, when we say cage, does it have to be like a metal bars like a cage?

Or could it be like a plastic box like a magneto situation? I would say you can even lock him in a room that counts. That he can't break out of. By the way, you just established room is not a cage. Yeah, room is not a cage. That's kind of, to me, like a cage. It's like a big cartoon cage or it's nothing. There's no door I feel strong

enough that Tom could not Kool-Aid man through in a fit of rage. I'm not into the room. If Tom walked into a room and there were tapestries on the wall and then once he was inside the room you pulled something and all the tapestries came down and you saw that there were bars along the walls,

that's a cage. But if you just lock me in this room, the deal is I get to smash through that door and then beat the shit out of you because most doors are i can break through mental hospital doors i can't okay they're very thick and there's a metal magnet that shuts it okay so like if you know that that that does you know well let me go a to b on the information you just gave me does it count as putting you in a cage if I have you institutionalized?

Because that might be my best bet. If you drive me. I didn't play the recording. And how long has he been yelling about horse pants? I think the key here is... No, the only way for Tom to get out is Keith's like, say it. Tom's like, no. And Keith's like, say it. And Tom goes, despite all my rage,

I'm still just a Tom in a cage. Yeah! What you really should be doing is we should be setting up a situation where Tom is routinely falling asleep on some sort of mattress on the ground and then you start experimenting with how far you can drag that mattress

before he wakes up. Before there's a cage, because then he can't beat you. If you're just dragging a mattress, there's no cage involved. But then once you really establish how much Tom will sleep through, he's waking up in a cage.

Dave, can I tell you the honest truth? When we lived in Pac-Pal, when he literally was sleeping on a mattress on the ground, I had this exact thought, and I got scared. There were multiple nights when I walked, I crept over to Tom's mattress to drag him, and I was like, oh, he's going to fucking kill me.

I think a weak Tom would not really hurt. You beat me up, but you wouldn't be able to control yourself. I think you coming out of a Wolverine sleep might actually kill me. Yeah, waking up from a bad dream is not where you want me. Especially not in those days. And Tom doesn't have good dreams. No. There's two kinds of dreams, not and kill.

But we'll see. We'll see what happens. I think Tom should remain free range. That's fair. What'll probably happen is nothing, but I'm keeping the ball in the air. It's a pipe dream, Kerry. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Robert, Robertito on Twitter.

We've actually met, at least Tom and the other fat one, I've met quite a few, or a couple of times, but I'm more famously Player to the Max's fiancé. Apologies for the rambling. I'm operating on two hours of sleep, and I'm just calling to threaten you with calling every week until I receive a few things. Hey, on-air confirmation, you will attend our wedding. That's really it, actually. That's all I want from you. I was just very excited that

new Mean Boys episodes were how I could find out that Connor McSpadden is still alive. Always very exciting. And I just wish I had checked it on 9-11 like I should have known to do. I hope this reunion lasts a lot longer than 10 episodes, but if not good to have you back, I appreciate you all for your wonderful comedy and also for being an instrumental part in me getting married. Thanks for being the weirdest influence on my life ever. Fuck you. Who are you?

You sound like a third grader, like reading a report they didn't write. Yeah. No, we have the save the date, but it's Claire's fella. Oh, okay. Yeah. I love the role, like, who the fuck are you?

And then we name your fiance, and we're like, oh, we like her. No, yeah, I got the save the date on my fridge. We're definitely coming to the wedding. You know, I have an Instagram page. I know, people are like, you guys were dead. It's like, we did other stuff. Yeah, I put out a comedy special.

Thanks for checking it out. All right, we'll do like one more voicemail. I know, Dave, you got to get out of here. Yes, yes. I'm keeping an eye on the clock. Hi, this is the doctor from the doctor, and I wanted to know what is your you think is the most bonerific... I'm sorry, I have to rewind.

What the fuck was his name? I'm Gunter from Punter. Oh shit, hey boys, this is the Prankster from the Dumpster, and I wanted to know, what do you think is the most bonerific Pokemon mix? Just kidding. I'm a first-time caller and long time, I guess, harassing you guys on Instagram. This is Finance Mook from Chicago. I dare say I'm your number one gay, Italian immigrant fan in the whole Midwest. Yes.

I'm so happy that you are all back, even if for a little while. I'm happier than a fag in a new song, I gotta say. Both of the musical sketches so far have been lit. As you've seen, balled and heard. Anyways, my question is, so this year we saw an unprecedented rise in automation of a lot of jobs, like with chatGPT and shit. Do you think that artistic endeavors can truly be automated? Like, we saw some examples with, like, visual arts, but when it comes to comedy and, like, writing, do you think that's possible? Is there ever going to get any sort of traction? Yeah, you think that's possible is there ever gonna get any sort of

traction yeah i guess that's it can't wait to hear from y'all and see y'all uh halloween and uh oh yeah uh fuck everything corn is dog i've talked to this guy on instagram multiple times i did not know he sounded like fucking power bottom super mario his real accent is dumber than the fake one talked to this guy on Instagram multiple times. I did not know he sounded like Powerbottom Super Mario. His real accent is dumber than the fake one. I was going to say, he started doing what he thought was, he thought that

we thought would be a big stereotype gay Italian man. And then he was like, no, I'm just kidding. I'm way worse. My question is, can you put the G's in the ravioli? I'm just kidding. I actually talk quite a normal. That was me doing bits.

Oh, mama mia. Big joke, big joke. I mean, the question about like... You understood the question? I didn't understand a lot. I got the part about like... You don't have headphones. You got more than I did.

It was very weird to go from like, I like it in the butt. I am from Italy. I live in the weird place. And how do you feel about AI and its burgeoning role in the automation of American job? When Tom talks about how he doesn't like Italian, that's what I assume you hear all Italian people ask.

No, that guy's great. Really? I don't like people from New Jersey. Okay. This is really what it is. I get it. I don't like American Italians. What were you saying about the actual question? Really, I don't like people from New Jersey. Okay. This is really what it is. I get it. I don't like American Italians.

What were you saying about the actual question? Well, it's saying an AI replaced artistic endeavors. The thing is, at one point, you can definitely say, what we do is the least vulnerable, because joke writing is something that chat GPT and AI has absolutely not been able to figure out yet. They can't do it. But at the same time, we have to be honest that

you could AI a Law & Order SVU and nobody would notice. 100%. You could AI so you think you can dance. Without question. Did you see About My Father? A lot of people are theorizing it was written by Chachi PT. Is that the Sebastian De Niro movie? I would love to watch that movie with all you guys

because that movie is a mind fuck. It can't be good. I don't want to give anything away. The movie has three major comedic set pieces, each one more shockingly not good than the next. God damn. I don't want to give it away, but there are three major events

that are the comedic moments of this movie. Sure. And each one literally feels like you went to a fifth grade class and said, what do you think happens in a comedy movie? Well, it's weird because you wouldn't expect Robert De Niro

to just put his name on a bad movie. I mean, it is like, it makes you sad, the things that De Niro to just put his name on a bad movie. I mean, it is like it makes you sad, the things that De Niro has to do in this movie. Oh, God. Yeah, man, I'm still figuring out regular intelligence. I don't know shit about artificial. Yeah, I think you're right, though. A, I can't really replace joke writing,

but it can replace bad joke writing, which I think might be good enough for a lot of places. So we'll see. I wouldn't be surprised in the next few years to see it able to replace everything like we're we're we're fucking around with like the fucking very first game boy of like uh you know or of like the atari 2600 of ai right now and it's already kind of frightened frighteningly close at a lot of things so i wouldn't be surprised if we're all fucked. I mean, my thing is like it can only it can't.

It seems like it can only replicate. There will always be a market for analog human media. And there will always be hipsters that think it's better. Well, the thing that's stopping AI from replacing all media is the fact that people are so shallow they really only want to hear things from famous people so it's like that's the part that saves you the fact that they that if it's a really good joke ai wrote they'll be like well who cares i don't want to fuck the person saying it so i don't really care yeah that rifing of the system is actually going to save us from ai god damn soulless robots fighting against AI. That's... Yeah, I think our show is too stupid

to be replaced by AI, is really what it is. AI cannot break. Yeah, I don't know if... I don't know. AI pitched some better segments than we have. Oh, yeah, I got to put that together. We got to do that, yeah. Yeah, we've done some chat GPT research

on what they thought Mean Boys was. But they couldn't come up with Apple Pockets. They also refused to acknowledge my presence on the show. They're making up all this shit and they're just, we've never heard of Tom. They used to acknowledge it and then they stopped and I went fucking crazy.

You shrunkenly just texting me that you're fighting with Jackie. I was for hours. That might be kind of my fault. I was looking at the YouTube, just like putting up the new episodes or whatever, and I saw the YouTube bio was still from the era when it was just me and Keith hosting the show.

Maybe it pulled it from the YouTube bio. I did fix it. You go back and look at it fixed, and it says, a podcast with Keith and Connor, Tom's not on it. Ah, fuck. Well, we should probably wrap it up, because I know you got to go do it.

Dude, Dave, thank you so much for coming, man. Thank you. This is fun. Yeah. Do we want to, do you got anything plugged? Not that I want to talk about. I don't want to drag my good work into this fucking hellhole. Also, because no one goes to our shows to see me.

So it's just pointless to be like, hey, want to see me do 10 minutes up top for someone much more famous? Right. You're probably going anyway if you wanted to. November 5th, I'm going to be in Austin. I'm going to be at the Comedy Mothership doing Roast Battle. Tickets will be up soon. But if you want to come see me and you're out in Texas, that's where I'm going to be. Against two.

Yeah. October 20th, we got Halloween. October 20th is Halloween. Yeah. Have we even plugged Swallow Daddies on the show yet, Tom? No, and you guys should. I'm going to be kind of intermittently on the show during the Mean Boys run, but yeah, no, it's a,

look, it's a silly show. We do a knockoff joke off, and it's just three, four guys riffing. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, you should check it out. Swallow Daddy. Spelled whatever way you think will anger you the most. You should tell them how to actually find it. I was going to.

It's Daddy spelled D-A-D-D-Y apostrophe S. And then Swallow's like, you know, the bird. Yep. The most evil apostrophe in podcasting. Fucking hate it so much. It's all about getting an emotional reaction. Got us talking about it.

Yep. Shall we put this one to bed, boys? Let's do it. Fuck everything. God is dead.