Mean Boys - EP 225 - Titanic Dog

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

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Hello and welcome to the mean boys podcast. I've been having some pretty dark thoughts and they're making me hard. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey And I'm Ellen DeGrumplepuss This is what I get for wearing my Princess Diana look Like, look, we're having a good time today But when you're in a bad mood You look how people describe Ellen when the cameras are off Man, I feel that way too I just, I want to take it out on an intern Yeah, as I say, a resting PA slapping face Yeah, fucking, it's good to be back Sorry we missed a week Yeah, I you see, a resting PA slapping face. Yeah, fucking it's good to be back.

Sorry we missed a week. Yeah, I was sick last week, so you can blame me. Talking about feline AIDS. I do, and regular AIDS, and regular felines. Was it full-blown feline AIDS? I gave them all to the shelter, though. Full-blown feline AIDS. This is what Meowgic Johnson had.

Meowgic. It's a hazgic Johnson had. Meowgic. It's a hazmat tent around the litter box. Well, yeah. We're all unaided and we're right. The Mean Boys podcast. AIDS free since I don't know. Yeah. AIDS free since we

stopped checking. Yeah, we haven't been testing. Yeah. That's the best way to get rid of AIDS. Just stop testing. This is Tom's Tinder profile. Hey girl we haven't been testing. Yeah, that's the best way to get rid of AIDS. Just stop testing. This is Tom's Tinder profile. Hey, girl, I am untested. I live at home. If I don't know I have it, I don't have it. I have a don't ask, don't tell policy with having HIV.

Same thing. Oh, fuck. You can have it, but you just keep it yourself yeah yeah well you have been getting a lot more colds and sniffles i wonder if your immune system is uh i have been i i don't know what that's up uh because uh i almost said what that's up about you didn't almost say it you did say that yeah because i didn't used to get sick very often but i think it's because i work in a bar i run into a lot of people that's because you're 30 now and it's all going like the body's gonna start getting weird on you dude it's 30 years of sinning too so god's not too happy with you either yeah you're you're you're street life 30 yeah no it's it's it's gonna

get rough because already like this thumb kind of works right this hips fucked up half the time this foot's toasted uh like this elbow is toasted like you burnt one foot no like if i step too hard on it it's very painful okay mr goss the mri came back you have a serious case of panini foot it appears your limbic muscles are totally toasted my dude yeah i'm afraid your joints are both grilling and chilling yeah your foot is ready for breakfast your achilles tendon is crispy as fuck my guy yeah you have tendonitis on sourdough hold the mayo yeah yes it's a bad body because you got you got fighting injuries and now bouncing injuries yeah oh and before that i had like i don't know i also just like hockey yeah i played hockey

football rugby fighting boxing so your body is like when you combo soup when you see a car with the different colored doors. Yeah. Sleeping on a kitchen floor. I do just look at you and I'm like, oh, you're me if I used my body for anything besides hiding. You know what? As I'm getting older, I'm sure I'd be like, man, Keith had some good ideas. Yeah. As it turns out, staying inside and just, I don't know, learning too much about quentin tarantino's shared universes like it doesn't doesn't make you it makes you fat but it makes

you safe well you know even if you're smoking red apple cigarettes it's uh at least you know about them yeah you get it well whenever a guy at work is like i want to stab you i'm like do you know that quentin tarantino has a footbed and then immediately diffuses the situation i brought that up in a meeting at work the other day and i've never had somebody to go you're fucking lying like they seemed really mad at me and i'm like you could believe me or not like yeah i did it does come down to me believing taking the word of uh what i would call a good acquaintance yeah cash at best uh a solid acquaintance i guess i'm more cash

with that dude yeah yeah yeah but um it's more that i just want to believe like bigfoot or ufos exactly even if it doesn't necessarily make complete sense it's it's better to live in a world where that's true than untrue the footbed is your god i guess okay i track it it took me a second yeah yeah i'm just processing how sad that is well the world is objectively better if it's true yeah you know what i mean like look at this way think about how many secrets we've known about famous people that were like open secrets that then became really open secrets yeah louis ck we knew about that years before every comic knew about louis wouldn't it be nice if there was a secret we knew about that came true that hurt no one?

Oh, yeah. I'm trying to think of... What's a secret? Arnold Schwarzenegger loves giving little kids piggyback rides, and every week he gives underprivileged kids piggyback rides on his big strong back. You never see a blind item where it's like, you guys, keep an eye out, because next week the New York

Times is going to out Lil rel for giving to charity like quinn tarantino did something awesome with his you know i'd like to see that architectural digest where he finally is like and of course the pillows are the toenails yeah i've never loved anything enough to turn it into furniture yeah you know what i mean no i've never there's no fucking burrito couch in here yeah i'm a i was gonna say like pussy but yeah well we have an episode title yeah yeah only five minutes in not bad i just had a dumb thought uh you remember that fucking uh your body is a wonderland song yes tom's body is a thunderdome i still think of the woman I saw. There's like a 400-pound woman outside a dive bar in Plentywood, Montana,

and her ringtone was, All of me loves all of you. That's a lot of love. Yeah, a whole lot of love. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds gross. Yeah, outdoor fatties. Black. Outdoor fatties.

That was my ex-girlfriend's mom's wedding song. Really? Yeah, it was very weird. Yeah, that's kind of... It was like a second marriage, and it was one of those vibes where it's like, this is some sort of weird, somewhere between a fat fetish and a sugar daddy. Well, it's that kind of wholesome horny, like the horniness you have for your wife yeah you know that's just kind of uncomfortable to be out in the world with it it's like so much creepier than if you're just like i

want to fuck this lady it's just like i want to make love to my wife yeah if it was your body is a wonderland i'd be like this white dress bitch has bad taste in songs but all of me i'm just like i don't want to think about all of you i'm going to turn the lights off and make hard love validated by the state and god i i don't know what it is i'm fucking horny and i want to make love to my wife is a sentence that genuinely upset me yeah it's gross yeah it's it's fucking yeah well that's never gonna be a problem for any of us no good news there i want to make love to my burrito couch Well, that's never going to be a problem for any of us. No. Good news there. I want to make love to my burrito couch.

I mean, that's how I started coming in the first place, was fucking a couch. You were a couch. I was not a huge couch fucker. I didn't know any other way to do it except to couch fuck for a couple of weeks at least. Right. I got my dick stuck in a Gatorade bottle as a kid. That's impressive as a kid. The Gatorade bottle has some girth yeah yeah even as an adult getting stuck in the gatorade bottle it's like okay yeah i don't know how i did that there's like a question the girl would ask can you get stuck in a gatorade bottle did you get hard in it or was it just like did you put your balls in too like like when you got a ring on and you jam

your finger and then you can't get the ring off? Yeah, kind of like that. I got flaccid. No, I didn't get flaccid. I was flaccid. Like Tom's natural state is hard. Hang on, I got to try and get turned off. Yeah, and I put it in there and then I just

soaped it up and i just started wiggling it around until it did so i was like i was i was young and then uh and then i was like oh getting off is gonna be a problem i'm gonna need more soap right and i guess you can just come in the gatorade bottle it was a powerade bottle i think he means getting it off, not getting off. Yeah. No, how I got it, I cut it. Jesus. No, not the part, not by my dick, but just to get the air suction out. I understand, but any time you have a wiener-based problem and a knife-based solution, it's concerning.

Well, that's how a lot of people just come. A lot of people are just like, well, it's me and lovely lady knife over here. Time to get digging. I think you and I have different definitions of a lot of people are just like, well, it's me and lovely lady knife over here. Time to get digging. I think you and I have different definitions of a lot of. All right. I have friends that party weirder than you. Damn.

Okay. I had a girl made me do knife play when I was like 19. See? You like drag it across your body and stuff like that. But it was like the creepiest, most codependent chick ever. We're going to be together forever. You're like, I could slip and it would be no one's fault. This is why I want to start when I'm older,

Parents Against Zorro. Because I think that movie and Tom Gassi, the CEO of Paz. I think that movie had a lasting effect. Because Zorro, very popular with Gen Z. It's a cult classic. Women who are into knife play and Zorro. No, if you're into knife play, Zorro's like, I don't know,

like the fucking James Dean of getting turnt with a knife. If you liberate my village from conquistadors, I'm going to come so hard. James Dean the porn star or James Dean the actor? James Dean the porn star. Oh, oh this i moved the wrong thing gotcha gotcha i guess so never a knife guy you don't like knives i mean i'm more meaning in the sexual capacity oh yeah me neither i'm not i'm not a big regular knife guy either one time i had a switchblade and i couldn't figure out how to close it so i just threw it away.

Are you serious? Yeah, I got scared I was going to cut my little fingers. How old were you? 20-whatever. Like, not an age where it would give me any leeway.

Was this the switchblade you bought at the Pac-Pal? Maybe. It was definitely in the Pac-Pal era, but I feel like it might have been an old one I had. Oh, okay.

But regardless, yeah. I don't know. I tried to close it and I couldn't figure it out. I didn't want to ask one of you guys, like, how do I have a knife? Why? We were so nice to you back then. Well, really, what it came down to is, all right, this is with no pressure on me. This is how confident I am with this knife. So it's not going to be useful to me in any sort of stabbing scenario.

It will get me arrested in California. Yeah, 100%. Although if it's just always out, I guess I would arrest you. It's not a switchblade anymore. It's just a knife. Yeah. If you don't know how to use a switchblade. Yeah, the switch is off.

It's just a blade. Yeah. You were so bad at knives, you found a way to legalize a switchblade. I didn't know they were illegal. Oh, they're super illegal in California. They're not illegal in all of America, but they're super illegal in California. But what if you want to rumble with those Puerto Ricans? You got to whittle in one.

Okay. You can have a... With what? Another knife. Okay. You can only have... They're a self-sustaining economy. I bought an out-the-front knife.

It looks like a switchblade or it acts like a switchblade. It just shoots out. The longest you can have in California is like two inches. They really cap it at box cutter level. Right. You couldn't fuck a girl with a knife

at all, according to California. I'm embarrassed I know this much about knife law. Well, what's fucked up is you haven't dropped any knowledge. I don't know, Connor. That's when they really hit the bottom of the- We're in the same lack of knife boat. Bottom of the barrel for Law & Order spinoff. There's a very, very specific set of prosecutors.

From the creator of the spinoff of Bones. And the executive producer of Law & Order Ninja Star Division. Bought it at the swap meet. We had a couple kids, took out a raccoon with some throwing knives in a public park. Mother of God. All right, hear me out. Switch throwing knives. What?

How does that work? They're projectiles. Oh, and you just poop it out? You just shoot it out of the knives? Yeah. Well, okay. I don't like what I'm about to say. I thought they were real,

and then I realized I've just seen them in the game Call of Duty. So I don't know if that's a real thing or just something they made up for that. Oh. What a knife that shoots. Oh, like a gun that shoots knives? Yeah. Or a knife that shoots itself. It's a knife you could use as a knife i'm a suicidal knife i believe that's what they call

you in japan uh no it's like a knife you could stab a guy with but there's a button that like launches the blade out so you can shoot it okay yeah well if it's in call of duty it has to be real but yeah they i don't know it's that's shit is usually like, you know, there's an AR-15 and all that crap they had. Yeah, I'm sure the US military. I think it depends on the game. The army probably gets money anytime you buy one, so they put it in there to make it look cool to kids. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. I don't know the practicality of a knife gun.

Why don't you just get a gun gun? Well, I think it's just as a last line of defense. Like, all right, somebody's running at you. You're out of ammo or whatever. It's got more moves than just a regular knife yeah but you're risking losing the blade then you're just sitting there with a handle well i think it's a risk reward thing it's like all right but would i rather stab you from 10 feet away or when you're super close to me and you could talk about risk reward super close to you you could talk risk reward all you want when you got a knife gun shooting at you. No, if you're right on top of me, then we can both stab each other.

But if I shoot the knife at you, only you got it. It's like I'd rather have a gun in a knife fight. Yeah, but if you... There's a saying about this. Yes, but usually guns have more than one bullet. If you have one blade and you miss... I don't think it's your first choice. I think it's just...

Also, how fast does this projectile go? Cause okay. You stick them in the shoulder and stuff. That's not going to kill him. So now he's running at you with two knives. No, but maybe you slow them down or hurt them to run, or maybe you hit them in the eye.

This seems like a bad weapon. I didn't make it. I'm just saying, I don't know why you're defending it. Can someone shoot me with a knife? Do you want to tell some fucking jokes? Yeah, I think so.

All right. Hi, so topical. Oh boy. do you want to tell some fucking jokes yeah i think so all right oh boy all mine are bad so i'll take us away this week a long beach man who stabbed his mother with a kitchen knife died after a police shooting but but but keith is right here more knife play i'm so bummed i wish i did all knife jokes if i knew we had a theme i would have stuck with it uh i i got bad news for you guys mine are all pretty bad this week too a large quantity of bull semen was stolen in a burglary a large quantity boy these thieves really put the bulk in bull cum i was trying to think of a bull cum joke for 20 minutes today dude i literally i i couldn't find an answer to the question, how much constitutes a large amount of bull semen? They would only say two tanks. Oh, shit.

I didn't see that. Two tanks? Okay, that's definitely too much. Is it a tank like the air in a paintball gun, or is it a tank like the milk you see by the side of the freeway? Yeah, is it a keg? What are we talking here? Yeah. Also, what is plan B?

Or step two? I mean, you have all the bull cum. Can we tap the? Yeah. Also, what is plan B? Can you get that step two? I mean, like, you have all the bulk. Can we get that? Can we tap the bull come keg, please? Just a horny cow doing a keg stand. Mine are also bad. So all right. Business as usual.

Bar lowered. Two million dimes were stolen from the Federal Reserve, making this robbery worth about $4. This has been Tom Goss Mathematics. I'm just trying to think. It's spiritually accurate. Yeah, what could you buy with two million dimes? The same thing you could buy with that amount in dollars but it's a pretty easily traceable theft.

Find the guy paying for a lamborghini and dimes well it's 200 grand of times yeah just you know you go to the lane i'd like to buy this private island with fucking coins please i love that i love the idea that this is like the cartel and they have to go make a big drug buy but they're trying to be really passive aggressive about it they're gonna pay for like 100 kilos in dimes yeah well i'm just imagining i've been imagining someone at like uh like buying i don't i don't know what like a tv at best buy and i'm just putting it a single diamond 10 cents 20 cents 143 29 fucking guy working there's just loading the gun to put in his mouth. All right. I actually have a Mexican joke off showdown.

Two artificial insemination tanks carrying a large amount of bull semen were stolen in Ireland. Everyone was very disappointed, except the guy who jacks off the bulls. How did I miss this bull cum story? I don't know. I don't know either.

When was it out? I don't know. Like right when the bull came. That would be my guess. When the bull looked at her eyes, know. Like, right when the bull came. Would be my guess. When the bull looked at her eyes and was like, you're pretty. When they looked around and said, where's my jizz? Fucking. All right.

Authorities say they've recovered the body of a German-Israeli hostage killed by Hamas. Israel says they're devastated over the loss of the Israeli half. Pretty whatever about the German half. All right. says they're devastated over the loss of the israeli half pretty whatever about the german half uh all right oh boy okay a bear stole a taco bell delivery off of a porch meaning this bear will not have time to shit before he gets back to the woods i fucked that up meaning this bear will have to shit before he gets back to the woods i saw where you were going it's diarrhea bear america's favorite children's character diarrhea bear you know you we've learned from stand-up comedy that taco bell is he stealing picnic baskets no he's just taking hot wet shits who can forget his catchphrase ow my asshole hurts diarrhea bear coming to a network you can't

afford hey boo-boo watch me shit in this pick a dick basket hey poo-poo oh bother do we want to go on an adventure diarrhea bear no i'm fucking sick i don't know my gi doctor says it's serious if all you ate was salmon and berries, you'd probably have diarrhea too. I've got polyps. All right. A Bay Area Ritz Carlton is being sued after a woman was allegedly served semen-contaminated water.

The hotel claims it's all a part of their menu. They offer sparkling, still, and moving. Water moves around a little bit i love that semen contaminated feels like they're really trying to be like this is no one's fault it's like no it's one guy's fault so much yeah uh like it could like it's semen contaminated as well it just could be anybody yeah there's no contaminated once there's jizz in it you you just ate jizz. Like, it's water-contaminated semen. The story should have gone, jizz-eating woman. Come hungry, dumb-dumb does what you'd expect. More at 11.

Actor Richard Roundtree, the star of Shaft, passed away. He was surrounded by family and loved ones as he was declared a dead mother. Shut your mouth. Talk about Shaft. You're just talking about Shaft. Shaft passed away. He was surrounded by family and loved ones as he was declared a dead mother. Shut your mouth. Talk about Shaft. You're just talking about Shaft. Okay, so speaking about cum. Big week for cum. We're just talking about cum. We were just talking about how

the news cycle is so fucking brutal. The only things that are making it through are Hamas and Jizz. I've had to Google a lot of cum. I search for cum-related stories. Cum news? Yeah. A woman went viral because she tattooed her boyfriend's name, Kevin, on her forehead. Kevin said it's fine.

He's used to seeing a little bit of him on her forehead anyway. Jizzy-foreheaded woman. You tipped it with all the cum talk. I realized halfway through what I did. The cum was kind of the reveal. The cum came too early. Yeah. Yeah.

I got another cum related joke here. Random chat site Omegle is shutting down after 14 years due to abuse allegations. Jack off in front of your webcam four billion times. Shame on me. Jack off in front of your webcam four billion times. Shame on me. Jack off in front of your webcam four billion and one times. Shame on you. Did you ever fuck around on Omegle? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I loved Omegle. Omegle sounds like one of those Mexican chips. What is Omegle? It does. It's a fucking L Super original. No, Omegle was like, it's kind of like chat roulette, where it was like you would just randomly get matched with some rando person, and you'd talk to them.

And it'd be a lot of guys trying to fuck. A hundred percent. It was, I would say, 99.100% child molesters. Well, the first question was always ASL. A hundred percent, yeah. Is it me? Yeah. I think so. Yes, yes, yeah yes um oh here's a joke that's just for tom uh ex-nhl player adam johnson died during a game when a skate slashed his throat

hockey fans were shocked saying we've never seen someone choke like that on the ice that wasn't wearing a maple leaves jersey fuck the leaves god damn tree-based team mascot i was able to gather from context that they're not very good indeed no they are they're all caught up just find ways to lose all right um we make sure there's no more air left in this balloon all right cool do they call them leafs or leaves it's leafs with an f okay i just I add V's to shit. Yeah. Oh, boy. Okay. The world's oldest dog died at 31. In dog years, this makes him older than the Titanic.

Rest in peace, Titanic dog. Fuck you. okay that's stupid joke i've maybe suck a dick sorry yeah i'm just i'm just waiting for the aftershocks to die down suck a dick sorry I'm just waiting for the aftershocks to die down

and come a South Korean man was crushed to death by a robot that thought he was a box hey this robot likes to crush box nice what a horny fucking robot cool from the producers of Diarr diarrhea bear it's a sex robot a man who received an experimental pig heart transplant has died

the family of the pig-hearted man was devastated crying wee wee wee all the way home the one good joke i wrote this week um all right. Do we want to do Walmart or Southern Man? What are they? Walmart or Southern Man? Do them both. Okay. A Southern Man was sent to jail for neglecting his farm animals. Let's be honest.

Neglecting those animals probably saved those. Fuck. A Southern Man was sent to jail for neglecting his farm animals. Let's be honest, neglecting those animals probably saved their ass. All right, I should have done the other one. Rest in peace, Codatus. Fucking Miss Titanic Dog. A man was accused of exposing himself to a woman in a Walmart,

meaning this man should have been directed to the pants aisle. Just a big dog running into an iceberg. Bunch of horny British people engaging in class warfare on top of a dog. Rest in peace, Titanic dog. That was a Mexican joke off. We'll be right back. Hey, baby. You want to come take a ride with me and my homie?

Damn. Who's that fool? Shit. You don't know? That's the baddest motherfucker on the block. He's cool. He's tough. He's.

Hey, everybody. He's cool. He's tough. He's... Hey, everybody! Special. Special? What do you mean special? I button up my shirt, but just the top one, because my neck is cold, but my belly is hot. Oh, let me tell you about this fool. He's a homie from the hood He's eating gum off the street

I got a tattoo on my address so I don't get lost He's got hydraulics on his short bus And a backpack with a leash My socks are really high Looking fresh in his Velcro Honey's all on his short bus and a backpack with a leash. My socks are really high. Looking fresh in his Velcro. Honey's all on his horchata, but he'll pass up the panocha just to meet up the piñata. He loves Paw Patrol, but he don't fuck with police. Slow rider.

He don't care about no hyena. Slow rider, he don't care about no hyena. Slow rider, he likes candy, not vagina. Yo, I don't know if this is fucked up, but I think it's sexy how he drools like that. Stupid. Hey! Oh, not you, slow rider, I meant her. Oh, okay. You guys want to ride in my car?

It's bouncy. Damn, slow rider, you're smooth as hell. What set you roll with? I'm an MS this many. He'll hug you way too hard if you don't pay me what you owe me. I need money for light-up shoes. Then he'll roll to build a bear To make a little fluffy homie He's soft

He's got a brain like a baby And a heart like a vato Real strong hugs Don't let him hit your guy Throw a pistol in his pocket And a helmet on his dome He's Slow Rider

His IQ might be poquito Slow Rider. His IQ might be poquito. Slow Rider. But he's our special amigo. Come on, Slow Rider, let's go to Legoland. Legoland! Yo, you wanna go to SeaWorld too? Not like SeaWorld, I'm scared of octopuses. Yeah, fuck octopuses.

Hi, puppy. Puppy? Where? You gonna eat your dick sucked tonight, snow rider? Get my dick sucked out like a land! Quong! The Mean Boys Podcast is back to play a round of one of our favorite games. Which of the following? Identic dog.

This one comes to us from old friend of the show,han d lawrence hey what's up bud ethan writes hello mean boys ethan lawrence here front of the pod still hoovering up acting roles james corden won't touch uh yeah he is a premier second string english fat actor yeah he he plays uh james corden in the butthole cut of cats. Yes. Stunthole. I very much enjoy him in the Ricky Gervais show Afterlife. Check that out. He plays the actor, the struggling actor who lives with his mom. And he goes on to say, so great to have you back. I couldn't let this opportunity go by without setting another witch of the following. This one is UK place names three, closing out the trilogy.

Enjoy. So I guess there's just enough stupid fucking towns in England. It does seem like everywhere in Europe is named something kind of dumb. All right, round one. Twat with two Ts, Fatty Head, Fartle, or Black Dykes? Where to begin? Twat with two Ts is my favorite hair metal band of the 80s yeah they said they opened for rat yeah we're twat this song's called getting your mom pregnant are the two t's at the

front or the end of the t's i gotta figure that the last there's i don't know i guess normal twat is spelled with two t's but yeah i assume it's t-w-a-T. Fatty head is my favorite kind of head. How many Ts are in fatty head? You have softer cheeks, two Ts. Yeah, you can store your nut for the winter. What was the third one? Third one was fartle. Do we all want to just form a line for the Pokemon joke? Kind of all get in there and gang fuck it.

One day you'll evolve into him black dykes pass how's black dykes spelled uh do you like the word black and then the word dykes but with an eye so it's almost black dicks almost they do love black dicks but okay wait you know fartle involves evolves into war fartle evolves into diarrhea bear evolves into farts toys um i'm gonna say i'm gonna say black dyke is is the fake one see i think black dyke's got to be real because like dyke actually is a word like it's like a thing i don't totally know what it is but i know it's like a thing. I don't totally know what it is, but I know it's something like is it like a graphical or sort of hole? Um,

I don't think you're supposed to call them that, but yeah, something like that. Uh, fartle. I gotta say fartle is the fake one. The fake one is fartle. Oh,

damn it. I know farts. Keith Carey on the board. Round number two, a gunt, B, sandyunt. B, Sandy Balls. C, Frere's Entry. Or D, Crackington Haven.

Crackington Haven is excellent. Yeah. It's England. It's pronounced Cracker Heaven. That's Downton Abbey for crackheads. So much people in top hats sucking dick. Yeah, Crackington Haven does sound like the classiest bad part of town. Yeah, it's like a drug motel, but there's still like a butler and a maid who go door to door.

May I escort you to the check cashing place? Would the lady care for a stained syringe? Run it one more time. Gunt, Sandy Balls, Friar's Entry, or Crackington Haven. Sandy Balls immediately is jumping out as the one that doesn't seem real.

Because of Sandy Hook. They're shooting at Sandy Balls. We gotta put the Sandy Balls on the sandy hook to catch the sand imagine if we had to imagine if we had to be painfully like um affected by the shooting at sandy balls someone's gonna get shot somewhere funny eventually it's gonna be like today we we honor when 30 children were gunned down in gobbler's knob pennsylvania no in intercourse pennsylvania oh yeah yeah the sign is intercourse

pennsylvania now there's two reasons to stop here um i'm gonna go with gunt just because it seems to uh i think gunt is an american slang i don't know if they got guns out in europe is gunt even like a real slang term i can't remember what's real saying something that we made up i thought i thought gun was like when you got a fat upper stomach like a fupa is like a big fup is a gunt yeah that makes sense that's what i assume it's the above the pussy taint the top taint like your your gut it's a combination of gut and cunt yeah yeah they in england i feel like there's like oh it's a combination of gut and cunt. Yeah. Yeah. In England, I feel like there's like, oh, it's a fat cunt.

Like, they're not very clever. No. I thought that was their whole thing was being clever and witty. I mean, yeah. And like the 1700s, but they've devolved quite a bit. Well, they have to have like. I'm speaking very confidently about a country I've never been to. Yeah.

They have like 20 shows where they have comedians actually write jokes in america we don't have any yeah everything i've ever worked on they'd be like we don't care about the jokes yeah i mean can you make this instagram the best i got over there is ricky gervais and this guy so they're not doing that no i'm kidding i love you um uh you, Ethan Bearlog or whatever your name is. No, Ethan Bearlog. That's actually, I'm saying Ethan Bearlog is the fake place. Ethan Lawrence. Yeah, I'm saying Sandy Balls. All right, fake one is Gunt.

Motherfucker. Boom. Looks like you guys boys are all tied up. Round number three. Gunt's on the board. Round number three, names I've already used in the last two edition. We don't remember. Shinge Kum Wendy.

Shitlingthorpe. Wait, can you say the first one forwards? Shinge Kum Wendy. That's the name I got. Okay. That's A. B is Shitlingthorpe. C, The Hole of Horkum.

Or D, little whinging. Oh, it's little whinging in his ear. Yeah, the hole of Horkham sounds like what they would call pussy in the shire. Yeah, I think the hole of Horkham is like a throat fucking noise. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all just made throat fucking choices but yeah checks out yeah um yeah the whole of horcrum sounds like i don't know like if you shove a horcrux up your

ass or something right um i i think shitling thorpe has to be fake because shit means shit like shit means the same thing there and shit's like an old word so it's weird that's uh you know it's i thought that i don't know if this is true or not but i heard shit came from like world war one or two when they had to move shit but they marked they would just label it shit which stood for ship high in transit so that it wouldn't smell as bad interesting i could be totally wrong. Why were they shipping their shit? I don't know, Tom. You gotta move it.

I could be wrong. I hope not where your guys are. You shit in a hole. You don't want to get dysentery. You shit in a hole and you bury it like an adult. Like a feral adult. What are we, bears? You shit in a hole and bury it like an adult like a feral adult what are we bears he shit in a hole and bury it like an adult who was sucked into jumanji and now has to fend for himself in the jungle and

you know how bears are always packing and shipping their poops yeah bear bear waiting in line at ups well i'm just never taking a dump brown do with my brown sorry during a power outage if i took a dump i wouldn't be like well time to wait for the postman. Like, it's not, it doesn't make any sense. Why would a power outage affect your toilet? You understood the heart of what I was trying to say. Tom has no human possessions except for a Japanese robot toilet. I poured my life savings into this thing.

It cleans my butthole. It's my only friend. Oh, I did kind of. Okay. I did kind of do a version of this this week where. A version of what? Well, I bought a PS5 and now I have zero money. Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah. And what I didn't have money for is a game. So I just kind of been staring at the PS5 this week. You gifted the Magi to yourself? They give you a free game. I mean, Fortnite, yeah. No, they give you a free... If you go and...

I don't remember what it is, but look it up. When I bought mine, there was a little thing where it's like, have one of these seven titles for free. I got Last of Us for free. Oh, it might have been a different deal. Also, I'll get you a cell so we can play. I was going to get it next week. Okay.

I'll wait then. Well, I mean, if you want to buy it. No, I'm good. It's way more expensive. Yeah. So shitling Thor. That's my guess. Okay.

Tom, can I hear the other three real quick? Shinge come Wendy. That one. All right. Fake one is little whinging. That's where Harry Potter is set. Wait, is that real? Yeah.

That's what he says. Oh, still where Harry Potter is set. Oh, that makes sense that I would. Yeah. That sounded the realest to me because most of what I know about England is Hogwarts. J.K. Rowling is a great writer and she's never been wrong about anything yeah he just materializes in the room hits you with a stick

well no she was offensive that one time when she said her money was black the whole time oh god i forgot about that wait is that a real one yes oh shit no because i remember dumbledore being gay. I thought you were doing a joke. No. Well, it's not quite. So basically, in the play, they made Hermione black. And then everyone was like, blah.

And she was like, there's nothing. I never said that she wasn't black. Nothing in the rule book that says a black girl can't play magic basketball. And then they went to the first book and book i'm like no you clearly described her as a white woman her white ass good credit score you also notice her name is hermione like i mean the name of like a sassy cat you told me that's the whitest person alive or the blackest person alive i kind of believe believe it it's one of those horseshoe theory things yeah i kind of buy it as a white woman or a black man yeah that person is very black or very racist you could be both yes fine she's a racist black man round number four a devil's lap full b just the f word the one. But just to clarify, faggot or fag? The former.

The short one? The longer one. Okay. C, horncastle or D, splodge. Welcome to faggot. The population. C, name of town. You got to figure there's either a huge gay population or no gay population oh yeah that's

fucking illegal intercourse pennsylvania um okay sorry i lost him faggot uh devil's lap full that was lap full horn castle horn castle splodge splodge so i think i think uh i think the gay Lapful. That was Lapful. Horncastle. Horncastle. Splodge. Splodge. So I think the gay one's real, because over there, being gay means you smoke cigarettes. You're so close. So they love cigarettes over there. I would say it's a real place. But you wouldn't have a town called Cigarette. I mean, you wouldn't have a town named Faggot either, but they have it.

You wouldn't download a car. Well, Faggot also means bundle of sticks. It was a word before it meant what it means now. But what a lame thing to name a town after. Twigberg. Yeah, not like Splodge. Oh, my God. And Devil's Lapful. That just sounds like the town about getting molested.

There's no new splodge in America. Devil's Lapful is like if they had strip clubs in Shakespeare times. Yes, exactly. That does sound like fun. You head over to the Horn Castle and get a Devil's Lapful. Behold, on yon center stage, lap dances are surely two for one. I am going to say splodge. I was thinking splodge, too.

What was A? Devil's lap full. You know what? I'm going to say the slur, because I think that England is better than that. On what grounds do you think that? On giving them the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to is better than that. On what grounds do you think that? On giving them the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to be more like you.

They invented racism. America is just a spinoff of Britain. I hate to constantly punish Tom for any glimmer of optimism, but it is splodge. Yeah. All that hope was misplaced. right we're if we come back again after this 10 episode run live halloween 2024 in faggot we have like enough european listeners that we could maybe sell 25 tickets and justify going to fag and everywhere and you're in england

is like three hours from everything right how big is big is the country? It's like the size of Pennsylvania. Exactly, yeah. It's Rhode Island, the place. All right, I'm looking it up. I guess Rhode Island is a place. Population of faggot. Directions to San Francisco. Oh, I guess it's a family name. You can look it up on Ancestry.com.

Oh, man. That's rough. Why would you rather have your last name be faggot or hitler i knew keith that has changed the ls l silent oh yeah now it's cocksucker it's it's a hill in ireland so we'd have to do it on a hill. Okay. Well, that's... Look, the more inconvenient it is, the funnier of an idea it is. Okay. All right. Yeah. Fuck it.

I'll go to your... This looks like some shitty pagan ritual. Let's go do podcast Stonehenge. I'll go to the world's only shitty island to do a live podcast. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Ireland is a great island.

What if the beach had depression? Yeah. I would love for you guys to go to Ireland because I would make so much more sense to you. Oh, I'm sure. You'd be like, oh, they're all like this. Yeah. They just none of them like being alive. Yeah.

Connor's one of the fun ones. Yeah. He's whimsical by comparison. Fucking Willy Wonka. They're all amazed. They're all amazed at all the foods Connor will eat. You put salt on the potato that guy's had in the side bowl before he ate a food that's not brown all right round five he tried or all fake cock bridge cocking cocks and cock intake cock intake cock intake all one word that's what that horny robot said before he smashed that box cock intake prepare

for cock intake i mean he's had less cock int takes and stayed in Jordan, but yeah, yeah, the numbers are down. All right. Cock and take Cox Cockburg. I saw that we were only expecting three inches this winter. Cockburg. Sorry. Read it one more time.

This is all real or all fake. All real or all fake. Yeah. Cockbridge. Cocking, Cox and cock and take time. This is all real or all fake. All real or all fake. Yeah, Cockbridge. Cocking, Cox, and Cock and Tick. We'll say all real. Cockberg. Cockberg is one of them.

It is now. I'm saying all real. Those are all real. Hell yeah. Yeah. Stay dumb, England. Thanks, Ethan. Yeah, dude.

Fucking good to hear from you. I can't believe we think we're better than them what england yeah i mean i don't know are we better than england yeah okay you both can't believe it and believe it on what on what grounds that i live here yeah everywhere if anything that's a mark against us in england, they have universal health care. Yeah, they also have a bunch of wizards, so I don't fucking trust them. True, Alan Moore does live in England.

Our doctors cost $10,000 and we have grand wizards. We're objectively worse. They got grand wizards. They have KKK in England. The K's are backwards everyone's just racist they don't need a kkk i don't know i'm just making shit up i gotta feel better about my life somewhere i'm turning to nationalism this is why we go to you for facts

about animals not facts about countries yeah i'd like to brexit this conversation look just the fact that uh yeah they talk funny which is actually a plus you know what yeah go england you know build the titanic dog though we're gonna conclude we're gonna finish that one was from portugal the dog was portuguese oh i thought you meant the titanic it was like no no, it fucking wasn't. No, no, no. The dog was Portuguese. The Titanic. How do you remember that? I remember a lot of things. Can you hear the sound of us not believing you? I can.

Wait, what do you want me to remember things about a country I've never been to? Yes, remember a bunch of stuff about England right now. Fucking Camelot was dope. Okay. King Arthur fought Merlin to win the last of the nine rings. I'm very well versed in England's history. David Beckham invaded India. Yeah.

Hip Hopagandhi then was defeated. They had to get fucking possession of the Spice Girls. Yeah. Winston Churchill invented the two worst kinds of cigarettes. Winston's and Churchill's. Are they both named after him? Probably. That motherfucker loves cigars.

I think Winston's are named for Winston Salem. If I was a millionaire, I probably would be a cigar guy. We'll be right back with the rest of Tom's musing column right after this. Sock it to me. Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow, founder of Poop. You may remember the Poop Vagina Candle, the Poop Jade Egg, or even the Poop Goop Youth Boost Serum. Today, I'm proud to announce Poop's latest product, the Poop Scoop. Instead of flushing, our scoop helps you recoup your poop and stop the water-wasting poop loop.

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products. Goodbye. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to take another dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one I was fucking a shout out to Andrew Hillary.

I was hanging out with him in Austin recently. It was funny. I was talking to someone who like new mean boys and I was like, and he was just there and I was like, Oh yeah, that's my boy Andrew. He's like, I feel like I know that guy.

And he wrote the mean boys mailbag jing there. And I was like, oh yeah, that's my boy Andrew. He's like, I feel like I know that guy. He wrote the Mean Boys mailbag jingler. He's like, that was Andrew? So that's his weird little claim to fame. Oh, that's cool. Well, that's fun. People don't get that excited when they find out I'm in Mean Boys. Yeah. Leave us a voicemail

at 804-818-6326 or send us an email at meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. Jay Holler writes, Hey boys, I was pleasantly surprised on September 11th

when I woke up to a new episode unlike the surprise we woke up to on September 11th 22 years ago. Glad you came back to do a random run

of episodes like some kind of British TV show dropping a series every few years and some holiday specials or some shit. I run into Mean Boys

once near the end but I was a frequent correspondent on Podpocalypse and Tina's, trauma bonding with my fellow thick boys during lockdown, drawing cartoons of Tom, and talking about eating the cream out of a Choco Taco as a substitute for ass. I'm assuming that means something to you guys.

I mean, it means the same thing to us that the words mean to you. Well, that's the power of language. Don't have any fun miscarriage, divorce, or rehab since Mean Boys ended stories. Just relocated to the Pacific Northwest from Minneapolis, being gay, slutty, and experimenting with psychedelics. Normal, boring stuff.

Question. What is a song slash movie slash piece of art that you like but can't stand the rest of the artist's work? Examples. I like Montero, but I don't like any other of Lil Nas X's music. I can't stand Of Montreal, but I like their song Wraith, Pin to the Mist, and Other Games.

Interesting question. First of all, Jay Hall, good to hear from you. Glad you're being all gay and mushroomed up in Seattle or whatever the fuck. God, who is somebody who I like one thing they did and then not much else? I like the Taylor Swift song, Look What what you made me do and pretty much no other taylor swift song i that's i hate that song so much really yeah why uh it's it's just it's not it's it gets in your head but it's annoying this is to me i'm not judging well yeah like it's very repetitive it's it fucking. It's also. It's.

Yeah, I don't like that song. Look what you made me do. I don't like you doing that. Look what you shouldn't do. Yeah. I like that. What's that song read by her? That's an album.

I don't know the song. Oh, well, then I don't know the song. Yeah, I'm not deep enough on the. I actually like Taylor Swift kind of, but I'm not like enough on the... I actually like Taylor Swift, kind of, but I'm not deep down the discography. I've got to find that one song that Taylor Swift did. Are you about to Google the phrase that one song Taylor Swift did?

No, it's on a playlist. Okay. Most artists, I only like one thing that they do. I don't like a lot of discography. If you've got a disc like that i can listen to you're uh you're probably doing something wrong but right for me like the tapatio guy i like tapatio but i don't really like the rest of his work um fuck what was a good one you know actually

just because i he looks like the tapatio guy and i always make me think of it jared leto i think is uh uh i like that one 30 seconds for mars or 30 seconds to mars song the big one i can't remember the name of it but uh and then i hate everything else about that dude and everything he's ever done like i hate him as an actor i hate him as a musician i hate him as a concept. Yeah, I like, of all movies he did, I like Mr. Nobody, which is a bad movie. Isn't that the one where he's in the future or some shit? Yeah, it's a time travel. It's from the minds that hated the fountain

will hate Mr. Nobody. I like the Fight Club because he gets his shit wrecked. Oh, yeah, he is good. You know what's funny? He has a couple roles that I like, but I don't like him. Okay. Is Jared Leto in Fight Clubed oh yeah he's good you know what's funny he has a couple roles that i like but i don't like him okay is jared leto in fight club yeah he's the blonde i want to destroy something beautiful scene where ed norton just breaks his face oh okay that's jared leto i knew you were trouble is the taylor swift song that i like oh that one's pretty good

it's a good song 1989 is just a pretty good album in general 1989 that's a taylor swift album oh that's it's off red i know i'm just saying other taylor swift things that are good the question wasn't to do what is your opinion on taylor swift i know all right if you guys are done menstruating you guys want to grab your pussy lips back in your tampon holes uh andre writes hey there mean boys big fan of the show all the way from sao paulo brazil discovered the podcast right after it ended and was really happy to see you guys were back and then sad again when y'all said you were leaving again maybe one less again in that sentence also when you said sao paulo brazil in my instinctually i almost went mama mia wait that's not correct

uh you writes thanks anyways appreciate the work you guys put on the show for years the backlog helped keep me sane during the pandemic and my mental breakdowns in college also really enjoyed podpocalypse this is not a show and all the other abandoned podcasts you guys did anyways as a fellow poison addict what brand of cigarettes does my favorite spherical comedians prefer oh i forgot you guys are you guys still using that with america's favorite spherical comedians also does connor still smoke personally I'm an American Spirit gold kind of guy and Marlboro Reds when the first isn't available, which happens a lot since I'm the only American Spirit

in the entirety of South America, and they're really hard to find. Interesting. Remind me to never go to South America. Smoke South American Spirit. They all just taste like guava. It tastes like you better say it tastes good or the government's going to come get it. That's where Brazil screwed up

is they didn't have any native people to be really nice to. So they made those really nice cigarettes for us. I actually am also an American spirit gold guy. And I go back and forth. I've gone through phases of American spirit gold and camel 99 reds. Yeah. Smoke American spirit blues. I used to.

I loved the Marlboro smooths. I would get those around Christmas because they tasted like the holidays to me. And now they're illegal in California. Menthol is outlawed here. I was an American spirit menthol smoker, but they banned menthols here in LA. So I just vape now. Yeah. Blue Raz Ice is my vape flavor.

I can't vape. Oh, hey, me and Tom both. Cheers. Yeah, you got me on it. They just touched vapes and it created an nft also it's cool that you listen in south america and i'm a dumb american idiot and i can only think of fucking countries in the most stereotypical way so all i can picture is you either listening in someone's ass on a beach full of hot brazilian women or just you listening in like a cardboard

box in like a shanty town yeah it's either a favela or like a beachside like resort yeah please go put a mean boys sticker on that big statue of jesus i swear to god i will send you a thousand dollars if you do it we gotta have a sticker guy that comes by every morning and fucking i i feel like you can go anywhere you want in south america i feel you just climb up a hill or climb a big tree or something and you're there have you ever seen the show locked up abroad no i don't want to learn stuff i want this guy to go vandalize christ i mean have you ever heard the title of the show locked up abroad his arms are so open he's like come on over come hang out it's not abroad to him

it's it's yeah locked up next door. That's what it's called to him. Yeah, they will. Your Honor, he looks so inviting. I bet locals would fucking kill you. I guess. But just do it quietly. Yeah, just be cool about it.

Yeah. Or, yeah. I enjoy your culture's jujitsu and your large foods. What? I enjoy that your meat is served on a sword. Yeah. I'm a fan of your large asses. Yeah.

Good work. The work you've done in the field of pubic hair is unparalleled. Yeah. No, I actually wanted to go to Brazil as a kid. I was there in New Zealand. New Zealand's number one brazil's number two are those still like top two on your list yeah i'd probably say so yeah okay yeah because you know why because one's a beautiful island and the other one's not an island but neither of them are a bad island take that well you're still talking shit about ireland yeah suck it faggot hill

i'm sorry just because we don't have fruit juice and fucking jujitsu doesn't mean that we're a bad island what what about the island makes it good uh beautiful greenery everywhere you look is luscious and green i can get that with paint what is the irish answer to brazilian jiu-jitsu fucking krav magilt it's uh it's fucking it's good just bottle shipping it's pub violence you know exactly yeah um no i actually have no problem with you know the the rock you guys live on out there but yeah brazil sounds amazing like sticking it to the ir. And the English. Ignorant. Tom's going to get car bombed by the only autistic podcast guy in Ireland. I don't like any of the countries that I have actual blood relation to. Okay.

Like, Germany and Italy can fuck off. So this is a self-loathing thing. The countries you want to visit are the ones with the most biodiversity that isn't inside of you. Yeah, I want to hang out in Brazil where no one will be like me. All right. All right. It's going to take a second to process the emotional pain behind that statement. Do you have anything else haunting you want to throw out?

I don't think it's haunting. I just smiled and vaped through that statement. Kind of what's so haunting about it. I resent my cultural womb, blueberry rip. Blueberries are in Brazil, I think. What? Actually, I think they're a North American thing, but they're probably there, too.

They're probably imported. Tom, you don't know a thing about a blueberry. You know what's weird? Blueberries are a cultural blind spot for me. Shut up. um you know what's weird blueberries are a cultural blind spot for me shut up all the weird autistic facts i have not much about blueberries but i assume they're mostly north american because a lot of american bears eat them uh which is you're just making that up? No, man. I guess you know about bears. Yeah. No, that's why some

grizzly tastes really good because they'll eat berries and some will taste shitty because they eat salmon or like more bitter, but like the berry eating bears are really sweet. So you know more about bear meat than you do about blueberries. Tom, you sound like somebody who just opened chat GPT and wrote, I don't know, wing it.

No, I'm admitting I don't know. Have you eaten bear? No. Okay. But I read, kind of. I've watched clips of the Joe Rogan experience. I Google and have fever dreams. No, I do Google.

Like, okay. a rogan experience i google and have fever dreams no i i do google like okay i i'll just randomly fucking i'll have questions i'm i feel like i'm the only one who actually googles them the answer i i believe that the questions you have you are the only one who googles them there there are places i forget what they are but i've asked many questions the internet is like dude i don't i don't know. Go ask Jeeves. I got nothing for you here. No results found. Okay, so subject line, Keith is in shape. Steph or Mysterious Cup here.

Longtime news slash longtime listener. Sorry, who is this? Steph or Mysterious Cup. Okay. Caught you guys as you ended in 2019. Caught up to find it ended shortly after I started listening. Wanted to write in to tell you guys, you do have a big fan that hasn't sniffed last smoked a black brown found under the couch

i don't know what that means isn't belligerently autistic and has had nothing but up since the end of mean boys hey i think that meant smoked a black and wild out of the couch gotcha yeah i've definitely done that i have a nice 21 honda civic not living in it got engaged not divorced at any point in my life unlike most of your fan base that i love i am slightly autistic but not enough to get arrested for grand theft boat or whatever that one guy did got my commercial driver's license and started making online content you guys inspired me not to censor my videos congratulations on special con man keith keep up the fat work and tom stay tommy fuck everything god is dead hey that's awesome hey something good something good things happened one guy is having a decent year we're not cursed i'm i'm i'm hesitant to give too much praise because slipped it you

guys inspire me not to censor my videos online we're gonna look it up and be like and here's why the white man has a superior bone structure. All right. Anna writes, sup, meme boys. I found you guys within the last year and I've been going through old episodes while I work. I live in the middle of bumfuck South Carolina, so there's not a whole lot going on anyway. Anyway, question for Connor and Keith. Have you ever had a moment in your

life where you have to stop to yourself and think, wow, this is the most Tom Goss thing that's ever happened to me? I was going through old photos on Facebook and was reminded of the time I watched an emu kill itself in my buddy's front yard. Let me know if you feel the need to know more. And my mind immediately went to what kind of Tom Goss fucking nonsense

did I witness? So I'm working on a theory that the special kind of mentally challenged that's wrong with Tom is contagious or some shit. Question for Tom so he doesn't feel left out. How are those crayons you... Oh, Jesus Christ. This is rude. No, what was was it how are those crayons you had for breakfast man oh i hear the purple ones taste like grapes i should have read this one before i read it oh that's fine what's this person's name uh anna anna fuck you anna that's all i got yeah fuck you anna yeah um okay you know what I will say I had a Tom Goss moment

yes why don't you use some crayons to clog up your pussy so you don't make any new children I think it's illegal to mix colors like that in South Carolina I had a Tom Goss moment uh yesterday where I literally thought like this is some shit that would happen to Tom but it's different than what she's saying. Cause she's saying like crazy bullshit. Yours is my theory with you that every time something kind of good happens to you, a big bird swoops down from the sky and delivers doom unto you. I went and got my fucking ears dug out.

Like an emu killing itself. I went and got my ears like medical. I keep going deaf. That's the thing that's been happening for the past few years. My ears keep going out and I finally got them like cleaned out. And I felt like I was hearing sound for the first time in 10 years. And I was walking around and I was like, holy shit, I've never,

I haven't like heard the city sound how it's supposed to. And I feel like, I don't know, connected to the world in a way I have not in a decade. And then I almost got hit by a car. And I'm like, nothing would be happier than if like, oh, everything's wonderful again. And then I got immediately crippled. Like you got one sense back and lost the other one felt like a very tom moment would be yeah that would be uh yeah no it was kind of funny seeing you like be able to hear

for the first time yeah have you noticed i'm in a good mood i'm like not depressed for the first time in half a decade yeah no it was like uh well i didn't know you had like fucking sound daredevil going on for yourself for the last like 10 years or whatever the fuck i mean i've told you guys a lot of times well you also have jam shit in your ear and i've told you like you should probably get that checked out and then now i know you couldn't hear me like well i was also ignoring you because i was telling connor this out front my thing if i have a medical problem is i'd rather complain about it for a decade than spend 45 minutes fixing it i you got health insurance like surely i thought you were wga well you have to work for him oh it's not anyone there's an off mic conversation but yeah yeah anyway welcome welcome

to the soundscape yeah all right uh we got another one hey mean boys it's fetus christ remember him oh yeah guar tar jesus this fucker again whatever you want to call me from the old days crazy how much has changed since i started listening to you i was working in a warehouse just scraping by when i first found the podcast and it was a highlight of my week through a rough period i just started the career i went back to school for when you ended the show, and I'm now over the operating rooms for one of the larger hospitals in my area.

Don't worry, it's just administrative. They don't let me touch the sharp things. My oldest child has gone off to college on a partial academic scholarship and is doing well majoring in accounting. My younger child is doing pretty good in school and just started at driver's ed. I put on the robbery.

That means you fucked twice. Nice. Dude, that's more than most of them. Well, no, it means that somebody that you love fucked twice. Nice. Dude, that's more than most of them. Well, no, it means that somebody that you love fucked twice. It means you got cucked successfully twice. I put on the Robin Tran episode during our last practice trip and he nearly killed both of us laughing. Oh, don't. You guys got to stop.

Mind your manners in these fucking emails. Don't misgender people. So you've got at least one fan in the next generation. It's been good listening to you guys again and hear you doing well. I got to ask, what are the chances we get Fifi back in one of these final episodes? 100%. It just happened. Oh, yeah.

For a second, I was like, I don't know what plan you have. But yeah, no, we already done did it. Dude, having Fifi back on Halloween was like so fucking rad. It was fun. Yeah, that was awesome. That made me really happy. Except the part where she makes us look like shit being better at the joke off in all of us. Which she always did. Yeah, it's like, fuck, she's brave and talented.

Stunning and brave. I think that's it for the emails. Okay, cool. We got a couple of voicemails. Hey, Mean Boys. This is Connor. Halloween was amazing. Really one of your best shows ever. I was the guy in the front row

with the original Meanie. I wanted to stay and say hi in person, but it was really hot and everyone started talking all at once, so I left. I'm here on the 10 freeway, second traffic. I had a stand stand still freeway's completely shut down so that sucks for me so uh yeah what a great show so sad to see you guys are

uh ending the podcast again but god damn what a what a great run all right guys thank you so much fuck everything god is dead thanks man yeah that was that was super nice i love that you could have just quickly gone, hey, really enjoyed the show. We would have given you a high five or something. We're like, I must quickly get into my car to call them. It's hot and loud. I must flee.

Once people started speaking that I wasn't expecting, I had to flee the scene. The parasocial boundary must be restored. This is how I separate the fucking wheat from the chaff. This is the real Mean Boys fans. You get the OG hat, you don't quite have the social skills. If you didn't spurg out an original meanie. If you did not spurg out and fucking flee the scene.

Yeah, if you talk to a girl in one of those hats, it catches on fire. But yeah, fucking great to hear from you, buddy. Thanks for coming. Yeah, thank you. Hey, Mean Boys. I was the guy stuck in traffic that just called. I wanted to real quickly update you guys. I think you'd be interested.

It was a jumper. We got a jumper. Sorry about that. Never mind. Now you're the perfect Mean Boys fan. Wow. I had to leave the show early to catch some random guy's suicide attempt. This guy's last thing he did on Earth was be two seconds of a 30 second call about our

dumb fucking show. I get bummed out by the fans quite a lot, actually, but not this guy. Yeah. Not him. I've been waiting for the next voice. Hey, what's up? It's a traffic guy. One, you know, it was a family of four.

Anyway, big ups to the fudge lord. Fourth call. He landed on a school bus. Same guy. Left a big trampoline underneath, so he's fine. Okay, so the guy hits and explodes right next to Traffic Guy's car. And the cops are like, hey, we have to just ask you a few questions. And he's like, I understand.

Do you mind if I get in my car and drive two blocks away and call you guys? I'm a little more comfortable that way. What's up, I understand. Do you mind if I get in my car and drive two blocks away and call you guys? I'm a little more comfortable that way. What's up, mean boys? This is Dylan calling from North Bay, Ontario, Canada. If you recognize the name of that town, it's because it's where that Nazi's from that everybody applauded in Parliament in Canada.

We don't pay attention to Canadian stuff. My mom is actually his PSW. It's weird to have a family member take care of a Nazi. to Canadian stuff. My mom is actually his PSW. Yeah, so it's, you know, it's weird to have a family member take care of a Nazi and then, like, adamantly defend him as he's being fucking, like,

booed and drugged through the streets, basically, and deported out into, they want to deport him to Poland, I guess, now? It's weird. I'm just going to pause real quick. Does anybody have any fucking idea what this guy's talking about?

I have no idea. I think this is a Canadian news story that just means nothing to us. Okay. It sounds interesting. Is this like your guys' version of Lauren Boebert, where we all know what that means, but you don't? Doug, this is how little... You had a full-blown Nazi in your parliament, and it didn't even make our radar. Yeah, we have half a house. like you had a full-blown nazi in your parliament and it didn't even like make our radar yeah we

have half a house we heard more about the bull come and then we did about yeah i kind of feel bad because this sounds super interesting but it's just you know canadian news it just sounds like oh a boot to boot to boot so we don't really pay attention to it but i wish i did because this sounds fascinating when i was doing shows in canada like the new it was it was right right around christmas and trump had just gotten elected, and it was in between Obama and Trump. Everyone was shitting their pants every day on the news. I go to Canada, and they're like, there was a record number of returns after Christmas for this holiday shopping season. And it was comically serene and fucking sanguine and relaxed.

Yeah. No, I love Canada, dude. Kidding aside, I do love your silly penguin country. He's got more. Yeah, I want to hear more about this. My sister's actually friends with his granddaughter. It's a whole thing. So here's a little knowledge bomb I'll drop on you.

The reason why he was even in parliament is because his sorry just uh chewing some loud here uh so what what is parliament is because parliament for us is a cigarette so that's not what you're talking about what what is i think it's like canadian senate is it is... I assume like how England has Parliament. Okay, so it's like basically our senators. He's the equivalent of a senator for us? I think so, yeah. Okay.

The reason why he wasn't even in Parliament to be applauded is because his son is head of one of the three mining companies in a trench coat that is Canada. And so because of that, they did no background check on him whatsoever. They're like, yeah, you know, his son is CEO of Redpath. He's good to go. Bring him on in the parliament. So that answers that question. I guess you're a news show now.

Love you guys Thank you for this Alright Enjoyed the turn signal there towards the end You called us while you were driving a car That was the least information I've ever received in two minutes That was a lot of information

I feel bad because he assumed we would know exactly what he was talking about I was giving more context to it And here's why I feel bad because he assumed that we would know exactly what he was talking about. He was giving more context to it, but we don't. And here's why I feel like a massive asshole, because we're going to find out. Like, no, you guys just did like nine jokes about these two episodes. Forgetting that our head is just a funnel where this shit falls out. But cool? I think it's not cool. Oh, boo?

Yeah, I understood this was not a cool thing. I mean, it's cool that it's Poland's problem now, unless you're a Polish listener, then condolences or whatever. I just it's weird that people call us while they're driving. Like it happens a lot. Like almost all of our callers are in a car. Like I like I need to be on the go or it's like, oh, that's right. I forgot to call the mean boys.

I'm going grocery shop. Like what? If you know our phone number, you have nowhere to go. You know what I mean? If you know who we are, you don't have another appointment. You go to Poland. I guess so. All right.

A Canadian Nazi, but his name is Adolf Hitler. That fucking fell apart coming out of my mouth. All right. Here we go. What about Adolf Hitler? But he's gay. That's pretty good. Adolf Hitler. Oh,'s gay? That's pretty good. Gay Adolf Hitler.

Oh, that's easy. Too much? Damn it. What about Adolf Schittler, and he just loves poop? How about we just hang up this podcast? Adolf Schittler, Hitler with no legs. But he's also gay? He's also gay.

He's a gay man with no legs. Now we're getting somewhere. Adolf Hitler. He's got big fucking jugs and that's why people listen to him. Oh, okay. How about Pradoff Shitler? He's a little poopy pants boy and he loves God. Pretty good.

Bernie Madoff Hitler. Spray dog Spitler. It's a guy who's always screaming his dog and he's very very phlegmy with it titanic dog RIP titanic dog alright spade off Hitler and he's always talking about Jews and giving Chris

Farley the business that's crazy that that dog was born in 1992 that dog made it through one and a half terms of Clinton yeah that dog went to the Pulp Fiction premiere. That dog saw the whole OJ trial. That dog swing danced in a Gap commercial. That dog voted

for Clinton twice. That dog was like, the Matrix is going to be good. Alright. The dog was like, what's up? That dog was just chugging a Fruitopia. Hey guys, this is just a random Canadian guy. I'm really excited to hear you guys are back on the air again. And unlike 95% of your listeners, I didn't go to jail. I ended up getting a career separated from a controlling cunt

and met up with an amazing woman. Hopefully I will one day marry. But this call is not about me, but about how I might need your show to die so that my life can still improve. Anyways, I do have a question for each of you boys and one for the group to answer. So for Keith, what motivates you to keep plugging away at comedy and have any of the residuals from any of the amounts of work you've done helped improve your living arrangements since COVID and the writers and actors strike?

And for Connor, my question is, Connor, since writing for David Spade and seeing how the sausage is made behind the scenes, is there any writers that you look up to that blow your mind that the general public should really know? This guy sounds like he's really taking his time to set up a jigsaw trap. This guy is phenomenal.

You need to get to see his work. And three for Tom. Well, Tom, I always thought you were super artistic just with a silent R. How many more shifts do you think you have to do, Tom, before your pants

are completely destroyed? My what? Your pants. Oh. Side question for Tom. completely destroyed. Your pants. Side question for Tom. Where in the house would you

not sleep? I know we have the kitchen, we have closets, those locations, but is there a location in in house that you would be like yeah I'm gonna

stay away from that one um and I got one question now for the whole group of you guys um is there any

chance for uh trap house 2.0 if the uh downward trajectory of Hollywood Hollywood keeps going this way

anyways that's it boys take care and uh fuck everything downward trajectory of Hollywood. Hollywood keeps going this way. Anyways, that's it, boys. Take care, and fuck everything. God is dead. Peace. I think we'd all rather live with our parents again than fucking... Periodically, I will entertain the idea of, like, what if we just got, like, a nice

pack pal? You know what I mean? And then I'm like, nah, I'd rather eat glass. Like, I think we'd all hate each other again pretty quick yeah probably i wish i lived closer i think i wish we all lived closer together yeah i wish we looked closer to you guys too yeah it is it is at least an hour yeah which uh okay so questions why do i keep doing comedy what writers do you like and where wouldn't you sleep i do the amount amount of times I have considered quitting stand-up in the past couple of years, just because, I don't know,

not to get too in the weeds, but it's kind of bleak out here in the stand-up universe. But the reality is I just don't know how to do anything else. I like writing, and writing has been more lucrative as far as a career gig. But I don't know. I still like doing most of this shit and I don't have a plan B.

I'm pretty all in at this point. There's a writer that I look up to that you maybe wouldn't know. His name is Jesus Christ. Wrote a little book called The Bible. Blaine Kapach. You should follow him on Twitter. He's a great Twitter follower.

Playing rules. Just a great energy um and uh bottomless pitches so i don't know i mean i'm sitting here and suck the guy's dick just go uh look at his stuff um i would say not not in a lit fire but i don't know. Fire looks pretty tasty sometimes. A fireplace seems like it would be kind of cozy if it wasn't active. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I fucking... A dormant fireplace? Yeah.

And then I have no idea how much longer I'll be going to the rest of my pants. I don't even... Yeah, that sentence dragged. I lost the pants thing for a second. Yeah, but no, I've slept... i don't even yeah that sentence tracked i was just i lost the pants thing for a second yeah but no i've slept look at think of a bad place i've probably slept there right all right well do we want to try to do one more voice yeah all right hey mean boys this is rehab guy again calling in to say two things one i fucking love dungeons and dragons just

unfortunately not as much as i love drinking and number b fuck you i got some poems and uh now i'm gonna subject you to one of them so yeah here goes i think we all feel pretty stuck. It's like the world's run out of luck. Like all the things we do, things we thought were true, just sink us further in the muck. But in the face of all this strife, the iron will to cling to life can be found deep in you, tis within me too, because what we still can do is fuck. So there you go that was actually my tinder bio for a little bit and uh it was a hundred percent unsuccessful maybe would have been better as a grinder bio but i guess i'll let keith be the judge of that all right fuck everything god is dead yeah

i can't believe a bunch of chicks didn't want to bone down with a weird depressed leprechaun yeah that was like a like a limerick with no funny part at the end there once was a man from nantucket who had an opiates problem and it's gonna be your problem now the other poem guy never got back to us i hope i hope he's i don't know why we were so cool about it we were being to most people i don't know why yeah i don't even remember a poem guy we shit on a guy who read us a poem for like 20 minutes oh i don't even remember a poem guy. We shit on a guy who read us a poem for like 20 minutes. Oh, I don't even, dude. This is, I'm sorry, listeners.

This is the last studio episode we did. Yeah, a couple weeks ago. But yeah, no, look, fucking let us know you're okay and we can shit on you again. Look, poem if you want to. Poem around the world. Yeah. What was his question?

There wasn't one. His question was was listen to this poem assholes technically his question was fuck you uh we have three more voicemails do we want to just play through them or do we want to save them for the the next step well next step we'll go through all the voicemails because it's our last one yeah so cool rocking well that's uh that's the show gang. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Yeah. We'll be back, uh, with one more in the run, uh, next week. Yeah. You guys have any plugs?

No. No. Watch my special. That's about it. Watch the special. Watch Connor special. Swallow daddies. And then I don't have any new guys to train this week.

All right. Nice. Yeah. I might be hanging out here and stuff. My ears work and I still will not be listening to swallow. All right. Nice. Yeah, I might be hanging out here and stuff. My ears work and I still will not be listening to Swallowed. All right, that's it. Fuck everything. God is dead.

God is dead. Thank you.