Mean Boys - EP 230 - The Inglewood Flute Fellowship

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

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Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited-time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast where there's little to gain and nothing to lose. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey.

And I'm... A lawn gnome for homeless people. I had a thought on the way, or like before we were playing. On the way here to your home. On the way to where I live. I had a thought while you guys were on your way here where I was like... Always a big day when Keith has a thought. It feels weird doing Mean Boys now a little bit because we are all just like way more functional human beings than we were when we started this show.

I'm like, we're adults. We all have like jobs and responsibilities. And then I got a text from Tom that said, I forgot my shoes. I have to turn around. And I was like, we're back, baby. Well, I was juggling like seven things at once, and like while doing it... Those are the two that are supposed to be tied to your body, though. But Tom, this

is such a common thing for you, leaving clothing away from where you are. Tom, I'll hear you on so many things. Here's why I couldn't dress myself. It's not one of them. Oh, no, I was also wearing shoes. The problem was... You were wearing, and I'm quoting your text, to dandles. I was texting while driving, which is a different kind of responsibility, but I wanted to respond

because I sent you guys an insane text. No, I have a show after this, and it's like I'm halfway to the show now, so I didn't want... Going all the way back an hour away and then driving back up was like i'm not gonna do that so i had to turn around on the freeway uh but it's having said that uh yeah it was stupid it was a insane it doesn't change how woefully undershoed you've been many times in my life look when you leave the house have all the shoes you're gonna need for a day it's like one of your few responsibilities i took you on a to open for me to gig in palm spring this was bad yes and uh when did you tell it in your words don't let me paint

you paint a picture i wore sandals and i got to the show in Palm Springs and realized I brought shoe and not shoes. That's even worse. He had a van. Because you remembered, but you didn't remember enough. So my solution... Am I coming through okay for you guys? You're a little quiet for me, Tom.

Yeah, just making sure. Did you turn his IQ up on there? My solution was to, because it's so unprofessional to go on stage in sandals so my solution was to go on stage holding the one shoe and try to explain it to the crowd now I had to follow uh fucking what's his name Jeff Garcia yeah yeah who's a murderer. Just a killer comedy club. Just hard to follow. Just laugh riot, this guy. And he's already a 10 comedically.

He gets a plus three in a Latino room, which it was largely Latino. You were fighting a fire elemental on a fire map. Yeah, and I was a shoeless grass type. Yeah. Yes, and you were a grass type. That's correct. Mexican road comic used Chancla reference. Super effective.

Every time. And so I go on stage after having to follow him. Sure. And I'm walking on stage in sandals just holding one shoe. And the crowd goes Well, the crowd is like I was trying to make jokes about like riff on it a little bit. They don't go well. I think the crowd thought that it was

like my normal acts. I don't think they realized that I was trying to explain an actual thing. Yo, is this an alternative comedy we heard about? Is the guy shaking a shoe? Yeah, so I stopped riffing on it. Then I realized I'm just a guy in sandals holding a shoe while talking about

fucking or whatever I was trying to talk about. I don't think he's even Mexican. It was bad. It was not good. And they were like, do the chancla bit. Come on, you've been teasing us for like 20 minutes here. You're supposed to wear the shoes and wave the sandal. You're doing it backwards.

Yeah. No, I've had several shoe related. Zapata. Forgotta. That button's going to get some fucking city miles. Yeah, probably. Let's see if the show's better or worse when we use the sound effects correctly because I'm not hearing a lot of Samuel L.

Soundboard on there. Oh, you think that I didn't fucking bring in Samuel L. Soundboard? Where is he? Where is he? He's right there. There we go. He's also I got a whole separate button. Is everybody Correctamundo?

There we go. What do you think, Keith? Okay, I think that... Shut the fuck up, Fat Man. Shut the fuck up, Fat Man. You shitty little witch. Shut the fuck up, Fat Man. Shut the fuck up, Fat man. Shut the fuck up, fat man.

You were finished. It's so much fun. Oh, God. You're a smart motherfucker. The show is going to devolve to the point where we just all three have one of us in front of us. What a bunch of losers. We're fucking dueling submarine captains trying to take each other.

You really are a loser. That would be great to play Battleship with just soundboard stuff. That's all I gotta say. Fuck. So Keith, you were finished.

I know. You bullied me into submission so immediately Uh, fuck. So, Keith, you were finished. I know. You bullied me into submission so immediately because this gave me, like, nom flashbacks of when Tom had the fucking soundboard. I was worried that it was, like, this is going to give me too much power. I can't abuse this if I want it to be a fun thing on the show.

Right. Here's the thing. We're all in a pretty good mood today, so I think it's going to be fine. At some point, we're going to do one of these records where you're in a real bad mood, and you're just going to aggro spam the button for an hour and a half. Yeah.

Shut the fuck up, fat man. Yeah. Yeah. I do love pressing that button. I've never hated your little witch fingers more. You just went to Japan. I did. Yeah.

I haven't heard shit about it yet. I went to fucking Japan. I want to say shout out to the Tokyo Comedy Bar, JJ Whackrat, and everybody who put together Tokyo Roast Fest. JJ Whackrat? Does he give fanboy tours of the Everglades? JJ Whackrat is amazing. I might be pronouncing his last name wrong,

but I refuse to say it. He sounds like a bootleg Ninja Turtles bad guy. I'm going to be honest with you, Tom. He kind of looks like one. Okay. JJ, and I mean this as both a compliment and an insult, looks like, I don't know,

if I'm Pikachu, he's my Raichu. Okay. He just looks like a me that's like been buffed out a little bit and just like has kind of your neck. Like it's just, he's, it was very,

you could tell that he, tight. You could tell, Pokemon. I know what it is. You could tell he had a I know what it is. You can tell he had a... You can tell he had a moment where he was like, oh, thank God, another fat white guy.

Yeah. Because there are no fat people in Japan. No. And I was not. I thought Tanaka told me this when she said, there are no fat people in Japan. Dude, it was... Because I've heard that story from Aiko,

and I've heard that from other Asians and what have you. But, dude, literally the whole time... Thanks dude, I literally the whole time I was there, I was like playing a game called Look for Another Fat Guy. And I never found a Japanese fat guy. Yeah, it's great. I saw one fat Japanese girl. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, those I really didn't know existed. What was going to happen when you saw this other fat guy? You're going to see each other and watch each other sweat. I don't know. I was going to feel less fat. you know like the problem i was there with pat barker but pat lost weight so now i don't have like the fat bond with him as i just making him look skinny i'm not trying to fucking be pat's ugly friend it is a weird thing like with fatness as like as a bonding it's like if someone could almost like become more light-skinned

over time and you can grow apart from them. You changed, man. Michael Jackson just fat away. He's fucking TV fat now, man. He's not a rock and roll fatty like you. Living on the edge. Dude, fucking... Yeah, he got sober from donuts.

He took 12 steps towards being able to take 12 steps. Yeah. It was super fun. Fucking stupid loving family providing so much exercise. Oh, I'm cared for and I'm preserving my health for my son.

You're really easy to burn calories raising your loving kid. I'm the commissioner of Fuckface Island. That'll teach Pat to give me a life-changing opportunity i'm the only person to make an adult career out of this entire thing ever dude pat got and i'm not telling tales out of school because he talked about this on the roast battle podcast pat got

drunker than i've ever fucking seen a human being get drunk in japan because i uh i dipped out for a little bit i got like separated from the group and And when I came back, they were like, we're in some bar that used to be called the Pink Dungeon. And it's just like in someone's attic. And I walked up there. And Pat is like, I've seen him get this drunk

like three times in my life. Where he gets drunk like a cartoon character of like a rummy from a 30s Max Fleischer cartoon. Where he's like, just all his bones are gone. And he's got little whiskey bubbles popping

around his head uh because apparently that bartender had a bottle of dumbo when he got into the barrels of the circus honestly a thousand percent you nailed it you spot on because that bar had something called fucking snake they were just calling it snake shot i think it was tequila it's yeah this sounds so interesting to me. So they took a bottle of tequila, and then they put a snake of indeterminate origin. Snake, Snake Shot? Didn't they open for Night Ranger? It's spelled with, like, two Ks in the wrong places.

No, they fucking just dunk a dead snake in there, and, like, the venom of the snake makes the tequila, like, hyperpowered. And I got in there, and Pat is just teetering at the top of a cement staircase yelling at japanese women about the beatles for reasons i could not gather and i turned to kim congan and i'm like what happened to him and it's like he did six snake shots oh my god yeah which is uh an alarm is i had that's like two and a half snakes that fucking anaconda took all of him yeah i don't really tip the scales huh yeah but fucking no tokyo was cool it was funny i did the the first two days because like you've been to japan

you went when you were a kid i went mostly to hiroshima were there like children like pointing at you like everybody was pretty cool except for like when it was like a crowded get on the train situation oh really well i mean they weren't like nobody was like uh that's a bit like but they could you know their eyes you could see yeah in their eyes uh and like you know to be fair that's also the case in like new york right you know nobody wants me walking onto a crowded train i understand that was the nice thing about the crowded trains in chicago is the the Midwest has so many fat people that we weren't really the problem.

Oh, no, we're skinny in Chicago. See, now I'm interested in going to Japan for the opposite reasons, where I could be openly fatphobic and be who I am. Right, yeah. What was stopping... Throw rocks at them. What do you do in America?

Why do you think we restarted this podcast? Other than to capitalize on your deep hatred of my kind it's true i gotta get fifi on here because me and fifi are both like racist against fat we always have been there were a few points in the old school bean boys days where i was like do you guys actually not like me i we think you're weak yeah we we gotta yeah you two can team up as a team like long necks milk to fucking mock us you two curdled cunts being like you're weak i actually made it oh no mild struggle better i made a big list of old-timey things to call you boys when fifi comes i have like 12 or 15 of them oh the fucking the haberdasher's handbook or whatever. These two dense dolts. Have you ever been to like somewhere where they don't speak English?

Yeah. Santa Ana? Actually, no, I haven't. It's a trick because like we've gone on tour a bunch. You guys know like when we go somewhere, I'm usually pretty good at like immediately kind of figuring out public transit and like where we're going. Like I'm a good like directions navigator like logistics he does like a plus 15 for public transportation and any like

dnd system so i was very cocky i was like i'm gonna land in japan and i'm gonna figure it out really and then like within three minutes of getting off the airplane i'm like i'm so fucked oh really well i just look like okay no one is white, which is really a jarring thing. I've never been in. You hate that. It's gross. No. But it's like, okay, for real, nobody here speaks English.

And you look outside, and it just looks like Mario Kart or some shit. Like, outside their airport is clean. Nobody's doing heroin, so I don't understand where I'm allowed to smoke. It was weird. And thankfully, I did the first two days at Tokyo Disney, which is like playing Asia on the tutorial level, where it's like, all right, you understand the basic, you know what a churro is, you know what a roller coaster is,

you could figure this all out. And they were like being so nice to me between the Disney and the like, oh, look at this confused white guy of it, that I was like, is this what it feels like to be developmentally disabled? Because I was like, I could get used to it, if I'm being totally honest. It seems like a sick way to live.

And then a tiny lady showed me where the churros are. And then a tiny bus picked me up and took me to where the cartoons live. That's exactly what happened. I can get on the monorail by myself like a big boy. No, there was a point where like yeah you go like okay you buy the food and then you go to a table and like this little japanese lady who works at the tokyo disney is like oh i carry the tray and walk you over and i was like oh okay that must just be like

a cultural thing here and then i looked and i'm like they're not doing that for everybody else just me do i look that befuddled yeah Yeah. I mean, they're probably staring at you. Well, he's not smart enough to eat, correct? I think they're looking at me and they're like, there's a 20% chance this is like a mascot that we don't recognize. Oh, it's Goopy. Looks like dumb, but has money. Diabetic duck. Oh, God, I quacked the chair when i sat down when you sent me a photo and it just

looked like you were at a sea world disney or something and it was just like it was just on the ocean i was so confused by like what exactly that was tokyo disney sea is like the fucking craziest theme park i've ever been to it's like i know that's the name but i'm still gonna call it sea world disney well, I had to explain to you five different times, like Shamu is not there. Yeah, and I understood what you were saying, but I chose not to believe you because I'm an asshole.

The whole concept of the park seems to be like, what if we built just the good parts of every country in the world? Ah, okay. Epcot, but better. I was going to say Epcot. Okay. So Italy is a pizza and a lady with a fat ass and big eyebrows. Yes. All those things.

Also, there's a Tower of Terror. It fucking rips. I was going to ask what franchises are like riot worthy in Japan. What are they like? Like, oh, shit. It's Detective Pikachu Tower of Terror. It's a lot of like fucking. Their Tower of Terror is weird because it's like some story of like a rich like white guy who stole like an ancient must be a bitch for them to say terror

tower of terror that's a tough one we'll get to things you wish weren't true but seem racist in a bit but uh no it's like a some rich white guy who stole like an African Tiki idol or whatever. And then it makes ghost shit happen. And man, the way they drew the African tribe, you're like, oh, yeah, no black people live here. So no one thought to yell at him about this. Ah, yeah. Just full like we have a bone. We have a nose. Why not combine these elements?

They went hard. It went hard. But but no, that was cool. I have notes because I wanted to make sure. One thing I love about Japan, because they had a Gundam called G-Gundam where the government of Earth was basically every country used their whole military industrial complex

to make a fighting robot, and they sent one pilot to go fight under ruins of Earth in these robots for the guy who gets to be the king of space for the whole year. And be the king of space for the whole year and i thought that's just just kind of a streamlined version of what we're doing already and you've made it a fun tv show i don't know what a gangdom is i just know you up up up up it's that style it's like a big fighting robot okay but they would they would take i like what you did thank you i didn't what it was a Gangnam Style reference

oh yeah they would just take a country and be like oh well Canada you got your fucking lumberjack Gundam and Mexico

you got your tequila Gundam and yeah they were just that's literally what the guy is tequila robots and Holland you got a fucking

windmill Gundam it's just a big guy with a big windmill sticking out of his chest makes no sense oh my god they put a snake in the tequila Gundam. It's just a big guy with a big windmill sticking out of his chest makes no sense. Oh my God, they put a snake in the tequila gun.

Pat has destroyed it. Oh no. But no, once I got into like Tokyo proper though and like met up with everybody, it's such a fucking

weird place because it's like, I don't know how else to explain it. It's like, you have a picture of a place when you go there

in your head where you're like, this is like the stereotypical like. But like, this is how they see America in that show. I'm sorry. Just to digress briefly. Sure.

America. America's pilot is a guy named Chibity Crockett. And he has five bikini cheerleader models that work on his robot. And I'm like, that is that's what we are. That's the best of what America is. Well, that's how we advertise people to join the army. But I've never seen it in real life. Right. But that's what we are. That's the best of what America is. Well, that's how we advertise people to join the army, but I've never seen it in real life. Right.

But that, the lie, the lie is the best thing that we are. You, you honestly, Connor, I had the thought multiple times, would love Japan because it's like, I don't know how to describe it other than it's a place like where there are the most things catering to autistic people in the most wildly overstimulating environment possible.

Okay, yeah, sure. There literally is like the, the fucking hentai district. autistic people in the most wildly overstimulating environment possible okay yeah sure there literally is like the the fucking hentai district like it's a part of this city it's a cartoonish parody of what you thought tokyo would be like i was in like a part of town that they said was like the bad part of town at one point they're like just be careful at night like there's some like you know some like dudes who might try and fuck with you and i was was like, all right, I'll be careful. And I got out of where I was and it was like two in the morning. And I was like, OK, it's a bunch of like five, three dudes with anime haircuts, like all wearing like fucking Inuyasha outfit. Like it's literally like it feels like they're fucking with me. I'm like, I could beat up everyone in this alley.

I think I'm going to be all right. Yeah, it is always funny what people's idea of a rough neighborhood is. Yeah, and it's weird, too, because, like, all their advertising on the outside of the buildings, I don't speak Japanese. Like, all their sex advertising is sort of toned down, and all their normal advertising, like, is a little sexy. So it all lands at, like, a same baseline where, like, the brothel and the optometrist have very similar signs. Just a light repressed horniness running through it all yeah every building just has like a picture of like the same with the same japanese lady just going like don't tell anybody like that's it's uh it's a fucking trip i uh this is the craziest

thing that i ran into though and this is like a cultural thing i did not know existed so i uh i went on a date while i was out there uh this is all j sanctioned. She was like, you're going to a foreign country. You should fuck someone weird while you're there. I'm like, I agree. But I was going on a date and I was talking to one of the dudes I was like staying with and working with at the club. And I was like, he's like, well, what are you going to do if it goes well? I was like, I don't know, go back to her place.

And he's like, no, no, no, no. Like, we don't really do that in Japan. Just take her to a love hotel. And I was like, what is that? And he's and he's like no no they have like these automated hotels like all throughout tokyo where you just like go in and push a button and it like takes you like up an elevator to a room and then locks you in this room with like full of like a bed and sex toys and a jacuzzi and then you hang out and fuck and then you can't leave until you pay it, which is like awesome.

Like parking garage rules? Well, yeah, exactly that. But I understand, because he's been in Japan, this dude, for like 25 years, so this is like normal to him. Parking is digging your butt. I'm like, you need to understand,

as an American man, like I can't go up to a woman and be like, hello, I'm from halfway across the planet and you don't know my last name. Would you like to go into a fuck dungeon that only I can open the door to? Like, it's some weird jigsaw situation. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah. Yeah. It's so fucking.

And it was like, and I was like, you must bust my riddles three. Well, I was like, I can't float this idea because I don't know how scummy it is. And he's this guy's like, no, it's fine. Everybody does it. I'm like, yeah, but you seem like kind of a fucking scumbag. So, like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You do it all the time.

But but me and the girl meet up. We go to a fucking karaoke situation, which, by the way, what a karaoke situation. OK, fine. That's what it is. No, it's like, we didn't go to a karaoke bar. We went to one of the places where the private rooms

or whatever, and it's fucked up walking through, because it's just like these concrete. You know, like, tactical guys, commando guys,

put, like, fucking army lane. Like, we need to go to the checkpoint at Albertsons, you know, like that. You do that with being party partylicious.

Is that a karaoke situation? Everything is a little bit funkier and groovier and crustier and mustier. What army is invading the Albertsons? You know, like tactical guys. Fucking food for less alchemy.

They make everything fucking... The objective today is going to be to go get some chips. What army guys are you talking to? What? All my fake army friends I have for this joke. Leave me alone.

You made up a subsect of humans. I'm not going to tell you which... I love the America and going to the grocery store. I'm saying one of my friends from high school, but I want to dox him. Sure.

Costco closes at 900 hours. Operation Chicken Bacon Hot Dog is go. Yeah, that guy exists. And he's making fucking front-facing cell phone videos in his car right now.

You don't believe me. Fucking but no but we went the karaoke room is like super weird because like everywhere you go in japan is bizarrely quiet because it's a karaoke situation it's situation yes everywhere you go in japan it's like super quiet like you get on the train and it's like nobody used like you know playing not like us on a beats pill while they smoke crack like it's remarkably peaceful it sucks but then and it's kind of weird it's fucked up but then you go into like the karaoke thing and you're like oh shit this is where they go to just like fucking let out all this gnarly japanese repression so you walk down this concrete hall and you just hear like japanese scream singing from all these it just feels like you're walking through the opening credits of the movie hostile these it just feels like you're walking through the opening credits of the movie hostile where it's just like the people being murdered in the

little uh chambers but uh we go do that and i'm like okay this is going well and then i'm like i'm gonna have to fucking pitch let's go to the weird robot fuck hotel and then before i can she's like you want to go to the robot fuck hotel i was like thank god this is normal here i mean if everyone's screaming sounds like you can just fuck at the karaoke bar we could i we considered it i did pitch it she was like there's cameras i'm like i don't live here like it's fine this wireless microphone looks pretty clean just saying but yeah but no we went to the the tokyo sex hotel and those things rule it's like 25 and it's not it's 25 dude everything's so cheap there. The yen is. I think that country might be in a lot of trouble, but it was an excellent time to go on vacation.

Like, I'm not rooting for their economy to fail, but it did it at the right time. Yeah. Yeah, it was like $25 for four hours. For four hours? Yeah, you can't leave at all, though. You're just stuck in the room, but you can smoke, and they have a thing where you can order a pizza. They have an on-site Domino's.'s weird because you don't talk you don't see anybody when you go in there but then they're like we can send room service to you in five minutes i'm like that means you guys are just like hiding in the walls or something like i don't

understand where they are that's crazy it's really weird yeah no we we hung out in there we fucked twice at which point we went there's probably hidden cameras in here. Oh, I mean, yeah. Yeah. I just like the idea there's just one Domino's franchise that just waits around for the horny pupil upstairs. I know this guy's refractory period includes some cynistics. Would you like some anal breadsticks?

Genuinely, we thought about it. We were like, just for the sheer perversity of it, it'd be funny to order a pizza. And they're like, I'll eat your ass in here, but'm not gonna eat a pizza somehow that's the line i mean i love that when they bring it to you the guy's dick is through the pizza you guys need an extra one no okay i'm taking off he's unscrupulous he's just like for 5.99 start a porn it is guy but uh but yeah, no, fucking Japan was great. I also saw a bunch of shrines and shit. I don't know.

I was more into the fuck hotel and the sushi. I ate at 7-Eleven like 40 times. Really? Their 7-Elevens are so good. They have good snacks. It's not shameful to eat the stuff off the hot roller there. It was so bizarre trying to explain this to Japanese people that, like, 7-Eleven here is like if being homeless and having a knife was a job.

What are these classy snacks? What are you having? Like fried curry bread and, like, sushi that you're actually, like, supposed to eat. Like weird rice configurations. Rice configurations? I don't know. Wasn't there a lot of them?

Do you mean rice balls? They were like balls. There were ones that were triangles with seaweed wrapped around it. Those are still a rice ball. Yeah, but they were all called triangles, not a ball. Yeah, but that's what they call it. Fuck, there's a word for it well yeah as i was trying there were words for everything i didn't really pick up a lot of them as i was trying to board the bullet train i was engaged in some husky maneuvering can i tell you guys the dumbest american panic moment i had yeah please i

was so i learned a couple like uh very basic japanese phrases you You know, like, Sit on my face. Come to my locked fuck box. I do. Onigiri. What? Onigiri. Is that what it was called? I don't think you're supposed to call him that.

Point me to the karaoke situation, hombre. I'm sure that was the third thing you learned to say. I fucking, I literally, like, I learned, like, I learned arigato. I learned, like, some of my saying going aside. Like, I'm sorry. Excuse me. And then at some point, sir i fucking i literally uh like i learned like can each you i learned arigato i learned like uh some of my saying going aside like i'm sorry excuse me and then at some point i was talking to somebody and they asked me a yes or no question and i realized i had not learned yes

hi i know that now but i panicked and so i just went uh see like i just went to the only non-American yes I knew. And you saw her just go, what? What's fucked up is you're writing like a lot of languages. I know. I picked the one wrong. What else is she going to be like? C, no, W, it's height. Like, those are both barely words.

That's so funny. There was, yeah. I want to go back there at some point it's a fucking i am pushing it like pretty hard that like they're doing this they did this whole tokyo international comedy festival roast fest was part of it i think it went great like they sold out all these fucking shows the shows were awesome uh they're talking about doing it again next year i'm pushing for the mean boys to be there it would fun. Either in a roast capacity or doing Mean Boys. I honestly think the live version of this show is about as close to a Japanese

game show as live comedy gets. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend in protest of the Japanese people who tried to blow up my grandma. Grandma was at Pearl Harbor. Okay. They tried to blow her up. You tried to blow up my grandma i'm sorry i'm

not coming to your country are we really gonna gonna keep score on who blew up who with japan i mean i think we might have squashed that beef i just sounds like a guy whose grandma was never in danger of being exploded unless your grandma is like made of 50,000 kids. I think those books are closed, man. My grandma's a giant spider egg in the Yasha arc that's full of demons. Yeah, that's a big trench coat, 50,000 kids. If I picked up anything for Japanese audiences, they don't find Hiroshima as funny as we find 9-11.

Oh, no. I mean, they found it kind of funny. Dude, that is i mean in a very conor mcspadden fashion i made a bunch of road comics uh stop on our fun little trip to go do a nice gig in the woods i was like we're stopping at the holocaust museum for japanese people though right and we all went to manzanar which is a really great uh museum 1995 it's one of the internment camps where they kept Japanese people during World War II and my favorite part is there's one guy

who was he was Mexican and Irish and he just had almond shaped eyes and they're like you get in there too Jose oh come on I'm just tired I just want to burrito someplace to rest my... Oh, just some rice and beans

for old Paddy. Oh, the luck of the quattro leaf clover. Oh, old Paddy LaDoga. The Mexican leprechaun. Let me sing you a song of my people. That was my favorite story.

My other favorite story, we had this fool that was at Manzanar, came to my high school, and he ended up becoming an animator for Disney, and he learned to animate. They had Sears catalogs, and he was drawing little cartoons in the corner of the Sears catalog to make a flip book when he was like 12. Oh, wow. And I was like, that's some real life-finds-away shit.

Like, I want to make a Disney cartoon in a concentration camp. I think George Takei was in Manzanar. I think he was, yeah. He was in one of those camps for sure. Fucking, I bet he never shuts up about it. Before we maybe start the show, fucking a couple people I want to shout out from Japan. One is the Mean Boys fan who actually came to one of the shows.

Oh, shit. That was fucking crazy. I forget his name. I feel bad. I talked to him for like five seconds, then he was like, I'm gonna take a piss right now. King Ghidorah. Big shout out to him. Yeah, no, I fuck with Mothra, dude. I'm team Mothra

all the way. The dudes from Pacific Rim. Those guys? But no, it was very surreal. I think I texted you guys this. It was really surreal to hear somebody say big ups to the Fudge Lord on the other side of the planet. That rules so hard hard that's a real dumb thing uh well here the fudge lord is flavored with miso green tea uh the matcha fudge lord um fucking and then uh mike paxman uh who's a comic out there who i did a roast battle against who uh i watched it's such a great battle and

people should check it out yeah go check out check out the Roast Battle Weekly podcast called Hit the Prostate Button if you want to hear that battle. But fucking he was so cool, so fun. I didn't meet him until the day before the battle. It's always weird when you have to fight somebody you don't know. And you're like, are they going to suck or be weird or lame? And he just came in with this real happy puppy dog energy, and he was just excited to put on a show. But yeah, fucking great trip. And then we went to Chicago.

Yeah, before we forget anything, I want to shout out all the Mean Boys people who came out for my roast battle out there. I know I said hi to some of you, but not all of you. I was really busy that night. I wish I could have talked to pretty much all of you more, but I really appreciate the support. Typical diva Tom.

Doesn't give a fuck about the fans. Well, they were doing an interview afterwards. By the time I got outside, almost everyone had left. I was busy. I had to do an interview. Sorry. Watching you do that interview was so funny because it was so clear that usually when they interview you,

you just kind of go like everybody else. You just go like, yeah, no, he was really funny for a fucking gay guy. And then you just sort of, and then you were giving these really deep, thoughtful answers to watch them like go from like, and here comes the part where he calls this gay. No, I guess he's, oh, wow. Okay. We already did a whole show of that. I know.

It's just funny to watch them be like, I didn't realize we were being smart guys. Yeah. I didn't know I could actually give opinions and thoughts here. No, when Tom starts, like, really, when Tom gets into, like, art analysis with someone, and they realize, like, what a deep, interesting guy it is, it's like when Lizzo pulls out the flute, you know? You're just so, oh, shit.

That Chicago battle was fun. I was judging that with Marcelo Arguello, and fucking Tom all day had been like, what shirt am I supposed to wear? Like, what shirt do I wear? And he has this not like us, like a Lakers shirt. He's like, should I wear this? I don't know.

It's a new shirt. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm like, Tom, this shirt fucking rocks. You're going to crush in this shirt. And he goes up there. And as he goes up there, Marcel just leans in to me and goes, what the fuck's he wearing a Kendrick shirt? I'm like, I don't know, man.

What a stupid ass. I don't know, man. What a stupid ass. I don't know that guy. I don't know what piece of shit would have told him to wear that gay ass shirt. And then she just lit you on fire about the shirt. It was fine. Yeah. I don't know why.

I don't know if she had other... Yeah, she was doing her best. But yeah, it was funny. You could make... I don't know. I didn't think it wasn't ridiculous for me to wear a not-like-us Lakers shirt. Like, it was a stupid... Yeah, it was fun.

It was a fun thing, yeah. More cultural appropriation from Tom guys. I'm not surprised. Well, it's weird just... I didn't bring my shoes, but I did bring my Indian headdress. Tom Buddha's breakdancing crew, Goss.

Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha rocking everywhere. It was kind of funny to me because LA... I wouldn't know my own culture if it bit me in my fat white ass. The funniest part to me was that for a decade, every white guy has worn a rapper's shirt at some point in roast battle. And it was kind of funny to me that I was the first one to get lit up for it.

It was weird. I was thinking of Jay Light wearing his Wu-Tang sweater. I was like, really? He got nothing for all these years? But yeah, that was a fun show. The judges were funny. The other battles were funny. It was really fun.

Yeah. Then Riot Fest was fun. You got fucking dirt poisoned. Yeah, I have such bad. I was so happy for the rain. The bands are great seeing no effects do the the decline that was pretty cool i ain't i i'm not a fan of them but like that song is i've listened that song i don't know 20 times since uh it's probably not good for your spiritual health

it's more optimistic than most of the music i listen to low fucking bar to clear yeah uh all right well do we want to tell some fucking jokes? Yeah. No, I'd do 20, 30 more minutes of anecdotes, I think. Alright, well, sorry. Let's get the Mexican joke off. I want to talk about when I was 11, I went to Japan.

I don't actually. I liked hearing about Japan. I miss Japan. We used to be buddies. Not anymore, though. Literally, I was talking to Connor outside. He was like, man, I haven't seen you since Japan. I can't wait to hear about it. I'm so fucking bored.

I fucking hate this. This is the cartoon I saw. Can I hit the Sam Jackson button? We're making fun of you. Oh, cool. Who's starting? I'll start. Okay.

Authorities raided Diddy's house and recovered 784 dildos. Said Tom Goss, that's almost 785 dildos. You piece of shit. That's what I would say. I forgot about that story. Why did I do a joke about that story? I forgot about the most fish in a barrel way up story of all time. I spent all this time looking up weird British news.

I went down all these European rabbit holes. I forgot about Diddy and his sex crimes. Okay. All right. okay all right so uh two uh two mini like small moons uh are going to be uh present for the next few months uh mini moons can also be seen when me and keith are playing that wiener sword fight game because we have small asses we do have small asses that's uh that's yeah yeah it's even when i'm in great shape and i'm working that thing, it just gets denser. I have a lot to unpack.

I've made you punch my ass. First of all, I'm going to not ever use the phrase working that thing again. I'm 86ing that from the show, henceforth fucking now. Yeah, I don't want you guys to ever go anywhere or talk about your bodies ever again. All right, Cotter, you're trying to work that thing. Thanks, Tom. Well, this is actually pretty interesting. Scientists have hooked the brain of a mushroom up to a robot body to see what it would do. And this is so weird.

The mushroom cyborg immediately scuttled away and ruined the robot pizza. Where's my rim shot? Sorry, I ate up time for that gold. Rapper Curtis 50 Cent Jackson is producing a Netflix docuseries about the alleged crimes of Sean Combs. It'll be developed by his new production company,

the Fitty Thinks Diddy Shitty Committee. It's because it rhymes. Yeah rhymes yeah no i talked a lot of shit on the mushroom joke and immediately fell into the same bear trap yeah you've been a lot of bomb karma but guys i think we're all doing great so it's good it's it's uh kill karma right now kill karma which joke am i gonna do all right uh so i don't know if you read uh you guys uh read about this study about the them mallards so so ballards ballards actually they they're into homosexual necrophilia sorry what mallards be doing homosexual necrophilia which means that if it that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,

it is alive and will not be fucked. Mallards. Because it's alive. They fuck dead ducks. Did you get it? Can we take this podcast off video? Can we take this podcast off video? Can we go back to black and white?

Because if it's all like honking and shit, it's alive. Can we take it off audio? And if it's alive, they don't, they don't fuck. Shut up. They don't fuck. Shut the fat hole where nonsense is falling out of. Because alive ducks, they're into the dead ducks. And they're talking and walking.

This is just so asinine. I don't know about sodomy for the necrophilia, but yes. Oh, no, if they're gay, it would be sodomy. Oh, yeah. Correct the murder. Scientists discovered that a common food dye can turn the skin of living mice transparent, enabling researchers to peer

inside the body without surgery. And I want a pet rat that's clear like a Game Boy Advance. I want one. That's fucking's fucking gross yeah it is gross that just seems like so not worth it for whatever rat technology like just cut the rat open well i'm just like if we're gonna go with like trends from like video game systems from like the late 90s early 2000s like make like a limited edition legend is elder rad

or do something cool and you know like. Call of Duty rap on it. Yeah, something collectible. Speaking of rats, New York is using birth control on rats. This news was reported by a male rat who just wants to be close to you. Let's take the condom off, baby. Come on.

Have a live sex with you, not like those gross ducks. Templeton the fuckboy. All right. Earhole. This is August 4th, August 4th. I'm going to bust some Charlotte's webs all over you. I got some terrific peg.

So this next joke will be in the voice of Bill Marish. So it's Tom, Bill. It's sort of political. I love when you can see Tom trying to grab any residual fucking moxie in the air. Well, he told me yesterday that his jokes were not good, and I said,

put some tiny governor sauce on him, and boys, he's got the fucking bottle of sauce out, and he's shaking it. The tiny governor is trained. Oh, yeah. You know about Mallard Smith? That's almost 649. out and he's shaking it that tiny governor is trained oh yeah oh yeah no and we we got more that's almost 649 mallards yeah so this sauce is mar so uh california california man went on an animal killing spree murdering 81 animals.

Yeah, Texas chimed in and said, we just call that hunting. California. I mean, that was a Bill Maher joke. It was not funny. That's not a joke, son. No, because they just kill animals. They call it hunting.

But here it's a killing spree. Geopolitical comedy. Geopolitical. All the great nations of the world. California, Texas. The entire breadth of my universe. The places I get booked sometimes. Okay, Mr. Big in Japan. He did a pretty good

Bill Marston in California. And actually, he's Texas. Dream of California case. Yeah, it's like if you make Hank Hill a little cuntier, you get Bill Maher. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, guys. A former model who was a finalist in Miss Switzerland was allegedly murdered and pureed in a blender by her husband. Oh, damn. Which is incredibly sad. But what kind of blender, though? I mean, that sounds like a great blender. Dude, I spent two hours trying to come up with a Swedish chef joke about that.

Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. Kill my wife. Pork, pork, pork. Dirt or eat soup. Fucking. A Baltimore teacher is accused of using AI to make his boss appear racist. He used the most racist AI program on the market, ChatCPT. I wrote one good joke this week.

All right. Well, this is my good one, guys. Docs. So a Detroit judge has been demoted, which is like a firing, but you still work there? Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Should I start it from the beginning? No, I'm good. Okay. So he's been demoted to speeding tickets. Now you're doing Dennis Miller. Demoted to speeding tickets after cuffing a teen on a field trip. What speed was that? Kinky?

Judge, you find. What? Faster than the speed of Kinky. I lied. It wasn't my best joke. It was the worst, but I wanted to set the bar high so that I could beat it in the next round.

This sure sucks. Yeah. I would love to see a language model built around just Tom's monologue jokes that didn't work. Wait, what? Like, you know how computers, like AI learns to type just from putting every post ever in the internet into it? You just feed it Tom's worst monologue jokes. You can get close enough to just push a speak and spell into a bathtub. Have you guys ever asked AI to make a monologue jokes. You can get close enough to just push a speaking spell into a bathtub. Have you guys ever asked AI to make a

monologue joke? More on that in the mailbag later. It's horrendous. Yeah. Okay, guys. A San Francisco cop wore a chicken costume and a crosswalk to bring awareness to pedestrian safety. Unfortunately, he only managed to raise awareness for how gay and lame it is to be a

cop. Yeah, when you dress as a chicken, it's like, finally something we respect. Yeah, he only managed to raise awareness for how gay and lame it is to be a cop. Yeah, when you dress as a chicken, it's like, finally, something we respect. Yeah, he's like, oh, people are going to love this. This is going to do so much good. Like, this is them, I don't know, putting out a story to make themselves look good. It's like, kill yourself. What a waste of everyone's time. People are dying in the streets and I'm wearing a fucking chicken costume.

Awesome. Yeah, why does the chicken cross the road? Oh, to put his knee on someone's neck. Great. Yeah. Do I have another one? Yes. All right.

Meryl Streep gave a speech to the United Nations where she said that women living under Taliban rule in Afghanistan have, quote, less rights than squirrels, which is true because unlike those Afghan women, a squirrel can put nuts in its mouth without getting beaten to death in the town. That's a good. It's all attached and to death in the town. That's a good... It's all attached and shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good joke.

That's technically a joke. Yeah. All right. See? Kill karma. I liked it, bud. Thanks, dog. You were also good.

Thanks. You know you see like a car company that tricks out cars, but you see like a car company that tricks out cars, but it's like a shitty one. It puts like under lighting on whatever car it is, like a minivan or a Corolla and now it's got under lighting on it. That's like what we do in the Mean Boys

with making stuff about getting your balls sucked. No matter what is going on in the world, we get balls sucking into it. You gotta lick that scrote. All right. Scrote situation. A golden eagle attacked a toddler in Finland.

Finland is that country where they love fish. I've heard of don't shake the baby, but don't get the baby carried off by a giant bird and then drop from 50 feet in the air and then pick back up and turn into a nest. Damn, Finland, you crazy. I brought Oli sauce and no jokes this week.

I'm not gonna I don't know. I don't know. Alfredo soup coming in from the kitchen. Yeah, I was gonna say like everything alright at home, Tom? Are you stressed? And now I'm like, are you getting enough oxygen in your brain? I have been stressed.

You can write these kinds of jokes, or you can forget your shoes. You took shoe ownership off your list. Surely you had time. I'll have real jokes next week. Maybe. Do I have to close this out here? You do. I can do the eagle one again.

I'm going to go for a big swing. The world's oldest man said, quote, it's just luck as he celebrated his 112th birthday. Yes, luck, he said, as he snapped the toddler's neck. Luck that brings the mother to the needle. Luck that brings her to my doorstep looking for a quick dollar.

He slurped the blood now pooling from the base of the child's shattered neck. I am so lucky to have fuel for another trip around the wretched sun. Behold, the Grand Bauer! Connor, I'm so sorry I missed the setup. Can you do that again? No, that was funny. Well, a 112-year-old man said, shut the fuck up, Tom.

Holy shit. All right, well, that's... That's how you put sauce in a bad joke, Tom. I think my sauce was sufficient. No, I know. I just was trying to. Here's a song about a hippo. Mean Boys will be right back.

Little baby hippo on the internet, hopping around all fat and wet. They call her Moondash, the TikTok star, known to everybody near and far. See her on the TV and your iPhone screen, the cutest little hippo that you've ever seen. Bigger than Brady on a box of Wheaties, grumpy cat with diabetes. I got something weird. I gotta confess.

Something weird I gotta get off my chest. I wanna eat Mooday, cause it looks like it tastes good. Eat Mooday, I don't care if it's wrong. Eat wanna eat mudang. Cause it looks like it tastes good. Eat mudang. I don't care if it's wrong. Eat mudang. You know it's delicious. Let's eat mudang all night long. That's right, I wanna eat that baby hippo everybody loves.

And I'm tired of pretending that I feel fucking weird about it. Look at this little piece of shit. I bet it tastes like a prime rib fuck the fucking chicken nugget. And you're probably like, oh, don't eat mundane. It's so cute, man. Oh, I'm sorry the chicken you ate for lunch wasn't cute enough to be your entire fucking personality alive for two weeks, you weird parasocial goober. Aw, fuck. How am I gonna eat this goddamn hippo? Well, let me break it down for you, motherfucker. He's a hippopotamus, the octopus is bottomless.

Microwave fricassee is a delicacy. Pan-seared, oven-fried, ala carte with some side. Slow-cooked, sauteed, turkey fucking marmalade. Slow-roasting like a turkey. Crooked skin makes some jerky. Mooding, heckling, moody stew. Pushy, moody, combo too. On a bun, on a roll, chop it up, eat it whole.

Eat it till I'm fucking full, hope it doesn't have a soul. Eat Moodang! Cause it looks like it tastes good. Eat Moodang! I don't care if it's wrong. Eat Moodang! It's that little baby hippo that maybe will eat its mom. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a round of one of our favorite games.

This is Porn Comet or Yelp Review. I'm sorry, but this is just so asinine. Nope. It's Porn Comet or Yelp Review. Now! Porn Comet! Do, do, do, do, yeah. This is the worst Indian place in Brentwood.

I always forget that's on there. The rules of this game, for anybody who hasn't seen, is simple. I'm going to read you guys a comment. You tell me if this is from a pornographic film or a Yelp review. I've tweaked the game slightly. Instead of leaving it open-ended, I'm going to give you the review, and then I'm going to give you the name of a porn or a location. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so I'm giving you a 50-50 shot. Oh. Yeah. All right. Fascinating. See, we're still fucking refining this shit 230 episodes in for you. It took us seven years, but we thought it might be funnier if we include a couple launch pads for ribs.

Don't worry. I'll still be unfining it. Within 15 years, we will have learned to tell travel anecdotes. Yeah, I'm not going to get ahead of ourselves, but we are having discussions outside about a usable theme song. Yeah, wait till I come back from Spain. I'm like, they have tortillas out there. By season 47, we will no longer be filming this show on a potato.

Oh, and that'll be a sad day. For Finnegan Menendez. I was like, what accent was that? Mexican leprechaun. Dora lora fucker. All right. Number one. Quote, dwarves are beautiful.

Is that a quote from a film called Midget Threesome with Neighbor or Snow White's Scary Adventure at Disneyland? Um, you know, probably they were not talking about some real dwarves when they said that. Probably talking about some movie dwarves, you know? Some of those sexy, hot, fuckable midgets. Oh, you know how Doc is so fuckable. But, you know, that's what I'm saying. Some midget in the Doc costume looks like a

fucking old midget in the Doc costume. He's not exuding any fuckability. Quick pivot, because I want to see what happens. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name all seven dwarves. Okay. Grumpy. Fatty. Smartability. Quick pivot because I want to see what happens. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name all seven dwarves. Okay. Grumpy, fatty, smarty, John, smelly, talky, and walky. Did you say one of them was shorty?

I know they're mostly E's. Hey, shorty. Fatty. Tom, thoughts? All right. So here's my thinking. Okay. Hey, Shoney. Fetty. Tom, thoughts? All right, so here's my thinking, okay? The kind of person who would go to Disneyland to comment doors are beautiful on the Snow White exhibit is the kind of creep who is more likely to just say it in a porn. I think it's a porn.

Okay, so you're going midget threesome with neighbor. Oh, yeah. And what was your guess? My guess're going midget threesome with neighbor oh yeah and what was your guess um my guess is also midget threesome with neighbor but i do now i'm just imagining a little tiny house next to a normal house the correct answer is midget threesome with neighbor uh a neighbor And I didn't watch the movie But I do want to know Is it that There was a normal sized person

And a midget and they're like Well let's go see what Greg next door is doing Or was it just two guys hanging out in another house We should go talk to that short lady next door I'm just imagining three people fucking But it looks like the House is like the ceiling is like, the ceiling is like the size from being John Malkovich.

Like, they're all hunched over and can't find the angle. Like in Willy Wonka, when you gotta go through the tiny doorway. Yeah, yeah. Alright, number two, quote, there was almost no story except for the bare bones. Now, is that from a film called Scooby-Doo Graveyard Sex

Hentai, or is that a yelp review of the anne frank house and then other ones there's almost no story but the bare bones almost no story except for the bare bones you know i'm the kind of cunt that goes to a museum and knows more things than are in the museum and resents the whole place for existing and then me going to it so i could learn nothing and this feels like someone who is a real Anne Frank nerd and they didn't even get into her repressed sexual feelings for the dentist. You know, which made it pointless to even go.

Wait, she was into a dentist? Yeah, Hans Pfeffer, I think was his name. That's even sadder with the whole tooth thing. What's the tooth thing? Oh, the Holocaust. Yeah. Yeah. No, a tooth thing? Oh, the Holocaust. Yeah. Morbid! A lot of the diarrhea of Anne Frank that got cut out

was just her being straight up horny. Yeah. Which would be a fun exhibit in her memorial. After dark. Like you go out to the attic, you come back down and there's just another two women stripping together on a pole. Yeah, I didn't expect there to be a burlesque show or a gift shop,

but here we go. I have to say, still one of the proudest things in my career, Keith, to have our work officially disavowed by the Anne Frank Museum. Honestly, I've never been prouder in my life. The Anne Frank episode of Historical Roast. One of, like, I don't know, I think maybe three places anywhere reviewed that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like one like decider article that was like the first

episode sucked, the second one was alright. Some like YouTube bullshit that was like lame and then the Anne Frank house. Not a fan. Yeah. Which I guess I gotta figure if you're like working PR at the Anne Frank house, someone doing an episode of their comedy show about her is kind of like a big

day. Yeah. It doesn't seem like having a sense of humor is probably like high on the list of like priorities for that gig. I don't know. When did anyone else, I didn't see anyone else like trying to do a funny educational fucking thing about that part of history.

Like stuck up dicks at the Anne Frank house. They don't know what real rock and roll is. Yeah, you guys don't even party. Well, that and then when the English government wouldn't let us say that they killed Princess Diana. Yeah. Which that was also a bummer, but kind of cool. Yeah, we committed treason. Tom, your thoughts?

Okay, bare bones i think i think this is a failed i you know what i'm gonna go scooby-doo but part of me also is like some dumb ass fucking thinks they're a poet is thinks they're being clever at the anne frank house but i'm gonna go with scooby-doo correct answer that is a yelp review at the Anne Frank house, but I'm going to go with Scooby, though. Correct answer. That is a Yelp review of the Anne Frank house. Really? Somebody was very mad that the fucking museum was not detailed enough, I guess. They want, what did they want, like a picture book to go with it?

Yeah, yeah. There was no story. The story is in her book, dumbass. She wrote a book with the story in it. You go to the fucking museum to see the book. There's also another level where it's like people are stoned and you want them to even be able to follow it in the first place. Right.

You're an Amsterdam. The whole thing should be Samuel L. Jackson telling you about it. And then that motherfucker hit in the wall. They were quiet as fuck. Somebody with the Anne Frank house. At first those motherfuckers came for the Jews, and I didn't say shit, because I was not a Jew. Someone went to the Anne Frank House and went,

this museum about a dead Jewish girl who was persecuted did not entertain me enough. What a loser. Yiddish, motherfucker, do you speak? All right. Number three, quote, a lot of wear and tear on that meat. Is that a review of 72-year-old BBW mature deep fist fucked or Leo's taco truck in Echo Park? What was the quote again?

Fuck. Sorry. A lot of wear and tear on that meat. Hmm. But fat don't crack, though. You know? Can I get a spelling of wear and tear? W-E-A-R.

T-E-A-R. What answer would I have given you that would have led you to know something? It could have been W-H-E-R-E and T-E-R-R-O-R. You think it was spelled W-A-R-E like WarioWare? It could have been

W-A-R-E. Yeah. I understand what a fucking homophone is, Tom. I'm asking what you wanted it for. I mean, if there was poorer spelling, I would have definitely gone for porn, but I don't. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, you fucking homophone. You got to be pretty fucking literary to write on Yelp.

Yeah. Literary. Totally the wrong word. No, but Echo Park is a neighborhood where people would correct your grammar over a Yelp review. Sure. So I'm going to go Echo Park. I'm going to go Leo's Tacos. But how do you put my... How does one have day-to-day wear and tear on a disposable commodity food item

like a piece of carne asada? It's not something that's getting slapped around and unloaded from a truck a million times. You put it on the truck, you take it off, you cook it up. It's the porno movie. You're right, but think about all those tiny men on their single uh uh uh single

speed unicycles with giant glasses that's exactly something they'd say about a taco that did not meet their fancy that's true i do need to acknowledge that you did this while you tried to remember the word unicycle you had a doggy battle to the punchline i could imagine their roommate max beasley on a fucking, on a fucking penny farthing. I'm going to really give this taco truck a piece of my mind. And furthermore, the meat was rather distressed. Your habanero salsa was lacking. Fuck you, Max.

Love you. So you're locked in. It's the porn. You're locked in. It's the taco truck. Go truck. It is. 72 years old, BBW, mature, deep fist, fucked.

Too many words in that title, but that is the answer. Don't look that up. Damn, once again, Connor is. Correct the mundo. All right. Number four. Fuck the Leafs. Is that wife gets double cream pie and hockey jersey or Scotiabank Arena in Toronto?

That would be funny. Like, oh, my God, I'm so close to enjoying this porno. But the fucking Celtics. God. I think it's the porn. Okay. I mean, if you're a fan of Toronto, you're just a giant whore,

so you gotta... But, like, the idea, like, a whole sports arena is such a giant place, and the idea that some fucker didn't go and say, fuck the Leafs, like... Yeah, but Toronto sports fans' vaginas

are also a giant place. What? A bunch of gaped-out fucking Raptors fans. fans vaginas are also a giant place. What? Bunch of gaped out fucking Raptors fans. You're going to fit a whole flock of blue chase in that pussy. Both of them fit the same amount of people. I think it's equal odds. Austin Matthews,

dumb mustache popping out of there like Bugs Bunny. Yeah. I've heard of a new, I'm going for some kind of moose knuckle joke. Yeah, no, I'm going stadium this time. That is wife gets double cream pie and hockey jersey. Damn it. I told you, you pussies were huge.

I went down a whole rabbit hole of looking at the hockey porn category. Is it good? On Pornhub. If you want to see a bunch of small blonde women in various hockey jerseys get railed it's right up your alley okay there were no ducks ones I tried to find one specifically there are 4,000 videos trying to find some hockey

porn for my buddy there are 4 million videos of Sonic the Hedgehog getting ass fucked there's not one of Wild Wing the Duck doing anything yeah I mean yeah was there like a two girls not getting ass fucked there's not one of wild wing the duck doing anything yeah i mean yeah yeah was there like a two girls one stanley cup thing that they tried or no there's a lady fucking herself with a mini stick okay yeah yeah that's fun the mini stick was also used in the midget porn uh number five quote it's not funny to make fun of the atrocities in gaza is that from

palestine wife cheating with israeli neighbor or the comedy store in Hollywood, California? And I'm just going to hand you guys these pagers. And if you get this wrong, the show is over. Man, fucking Israel can't even sell drugs in 1998 anymore. I'm going to go Comedy Store. Okay. Because I think it's felt kind of, one of the few things I've felt like people are squishy about.

I'm just, I'm kind of like, I'm trying to think. It's squishier after the pager explodes. When would they even make fun of that in this porn like when would the guy be like hey uh you know but i think your pussy is about to blow up like the gaza strip you know like where is where is that line like right why is someone even saying that now that implies that someone watching porn is interpreting it in a logical and correct manner which is also sort of ridiculous and i guess that's why we play the game. Yeah, you broke it down pretty good.

I'm going to say that's the comedy store. Someone's butthurt. It's the comedy store. That's correct. Although it's kind of both because I went through the comments. All these porns are real. And the Palestine wife cheating with Israeli neighbor. Within two comments, people were fighting about fucking Gaza and shit.

Sure. Number six, I guess goth meant something different when i was her age is that goth filled with 10 cream pies from bad dragon dildos or the hot topic at the del amo fashion center it's got that that's the hot topic at the del amo fashion center but that's so many fake loads for a dragon to be pumping into you. What is this fantasy that a dragon pumped 10 loads to completion back to back? I'm very confident you have. Have you seen the bad dragon fucking the load dropper dildos? Oh, I think you showed it to me.

They're gnarly. They look like Lovecraft monsters, but they'll drop like eggs or like big goops of fake cum in there. It's pretty rough. Eggs? Oh, yeah. They drop like eggs or like big goops of fake common there. It's pretty rough. Eggs? Oh, yeah. They're like ovipositors. They just like shoot one in there. What was the common again?

You queef it out. No, you love it. Connor loves this. Sorry, what? What was the common again? I guess goth. Yeah, I guess goth meant being. I guess goth meant something different when I was her age.

And it was the fashion mall or the dragon porn. The Hot Topic or goth filled with 10 cream pies from Bad Dragon. You know what? I think that goth got filled and someone was, yeah. The other kids in my school just don't get it. What life is really about is the dark things, like closing your room and turn off your lights and getting fucked in the ass by smog.

10, 10 cream pies. The correct answer, that is a comment from Gothfield, 10 cream pies, Bad Dragon, dildos. Don't watch it. Yes, I was right. I know who listens to this show. Some of you probably love this. I don't even like when donuts have too much filling in them.

I do. I just sort of skimmed through it real quick. I was like, it's all coming out at once. What do you mean? You mentioned donuts. Remember Krispy Kreme when they go through that glazing waterfall? Yes. Yeah, like that.

But the glazing waterfall was a lady. You're saying she pooped it out of her vagina? The cum going on top of her. It goes in, and then it just kind of all comes out of her at once. Oh, ew. Yeah, the goo-nami. Ugh. What a waste of goo.

You're going to waste all that goo on one goth lady? We're going to be sitting in the ashes of civilization going, yeah, I don't know. He's always needed 48 million barrels of fake cock goo for goth girls' dragon dildos. Goth starved, or goo-starved families in Rwanda who would kill for that. Well, just the level of late-stage capitalism we're at,

we're like, you gotta fucking always make sure you're pumping dragon brand fake dragon cum out of your dragon dildo. I just wanted to get a bunch of Halloween slime cum to me, and I don't need a Bernie Sanders lecture about it. It's just, I'm not, whatever. Not any one thing is the problem with everything, but it's just like, this is what we're using our global civilization, our technology, dragon cum. This is the world we couldn't imagine that we needed to be real that's like when we're fighting for the oil overseas or whatever

we're taking that petroleum we just said to get directly to the dragon come factory we need avatar unobtainium to uh last one number seven quote portrays the aggressor as being the victim is that from femdom pegs's Muscle Sub or the Hiroshima Peace Museum in Japan? 100% the Hiroshima Peace Museum. Tom just leaned back so he could shoot himself out of a cannon. Yeah, no, 100% that.

Left by an American. I'm just thinking about my point a little bit, and I actually think it actually would be a good thing if, like, the last acre of rainforest was turned into a barrel of dragon i think that outcome is actually funnier i mean i'm an accelerationist you know speed it up more dragon come every time an animal goes extinct we take like the last dead body we crush it into one of those eggs to get fucking shot up in OnlyFans girls twat? Yeah. If you want to buy the last ever fucking Komodo dragon that was in Riley Reid's pussy.

Do you have a guess? What's the whole thing? Portrays the aggressor as being the victim. Is that from Femdom, Peg's muscle sub, or the Hiroshima Peace Museum in Japan? I could believe the Hiroshima Peace Museum somehow being some American psy-op that was like,

and then in the end, it was actually kind of nice that they bombed this. I've been there. That's not what it is. Okay. That's good. then i think it's the other thing i think it's um the porn okay that is the hiroshima peace museum left by the shittiest american dude this yelp i didn't i i didn't realize we were doing the game today so i didn't print it out but the yelp comment is insane because the whole thing he's like this fucking

bullshit and they don't really take responsibility for why they got Bob. But also, I want to be clear, I love Japan. All the Asians are nice, and you don't even have to tip here. It's great. These are literally quotes from the thing. It's insane. You got to love people that just will tell you all about how much they suck. Yeah.

Well, that's the game. The winner is the concept of Dragon Come, I guess. No, I won. Oh, okay. Did you? I think so. Did you keep score? Yes.

Tom wins. I think it was seven to nothing. Yeah, it tracks. All right. You are a loser. You really are a loser. All right, Mean Boys podcast, we're back after this. Quong.

All right, the Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time to take a dip, the Mean Boys podcast is back and it's time to take a dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one

about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking Mean Boys mailbag. Did you just fake jack me? I fake jacked me? I fake jacked a lot. Dude, don't fake do that. I fake jacked the dick that was next to you, okay? Oh. Had nothing to do with you.

He's just kind of jacking off energy that's in the ether that he kind of corrals in his slimy little hands. I'm tapping into the load chakras of the universe. It's like a form of Tai Chi for long beach dipshits. It's Bai Chi. It's like whatever Jack Black does when he's singing Tenacious D. It's, you know, you get into it. A lot of great emails.

And what the fuck? Do we know the voicemail number off the top of our heads? Fucking it is... We'll pull that up in a second. This one was, I think, my favorite. Hey, Mean Boys, I'm loving the annual returns on 11th September. I don't know, some kind of weird foreign

date thing. Oh la la, your country went to college. I'm loving the annual returns on 11th September. Alright. Mary Poppins. The voicemail number, by the way, 562-584-MEAN. That's 562-584-6326 for all you simpletons out there.

Yeah, or drop us a line anytime at meanboyspodcast at gmail.com. Our friend writes, he's loving the annual returns on 11th September, especially given that it is his birthday. Happy birthday. Buddy, last year was a great extra surprise to go alongside the cake and beer.

I hope it continues. For fun, I had chat GPT attempt to create a round of Mexican joke off, and the results were not good, to say the least. Keith, would you care to read your... I fucking hate this. All right. So it says, Keith Carey, headline, government announces plan to monitor social media for hate speech.

I'm reading this before I read it. I'm not getting tricked. Government's now monitoring social media for hate speech. Great, just what I needed. A bureaucrat looking over my shoulder while I argue with strangers about pineapple on pizza. Next thing you know, they'll be sending you a fine for every typo you make while calling your cousin a piece of garbage.

Okay. I hate to be this guy, and I hate to throw it this far back, but I'm like, can you believe Chad GPT wrote some lame joke off about pizza topping? That's bad. It's pretty bad, all right, Tom? Tom Goss' turn.'s turn headline new study reveals that

most people lie about their online fitness progress uh study sure oh i can't tiny mayor if i didn't write it no you have to read it as written. This is like sight reading in band class. Yeah, I haven't read this, so if it's offensive, good. All right, the first part just says, Ching Chong Ching. I was literally in the middle of a Ching Chong routine. Our Chong glance synchronized. Ching Chong Ching Chong Chong Chong Ching Chong.

Study shows most people lie about their fitness progress online. Shocking, right? It's almost like saying, hey, I'm totally hitting the gym five days a week. When in reality, your workout consists of lifting the remote and scrolling through Netflix for a new show to binge. Just queefed out a fucking cat. That's the whole joke. You came the closest I think it's possible for a human to come to making one of these funny.

I really love the sauce. Love the sauce. I got more sauce. It felt like it might be going somewhere even though it wasn't. That's all sauce, baby. The Jews will not replace us. We must secure a homeland for our white children, our white genes, and our white future. All right.

Headline, scientists warn... Now clip it. Now that I've done my vocal warm-ups. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Dora, Dorae, me no care for Jews. Nazi, Nazi, Nazi, Nazi. She sells, she sells shells by the seashore, Jew bitch. Headline, scientists warn of new, more dangerous strain of virus.

Scientists have warned us about a new, more dangerous virus strain. Guys, perfect. Just what we needed. A new strain to look forward to. It's like the virus is playing the floor is lava, but the lava is made of existential dread and unpaid bills. I liked it. It tried to give me some existential angst.

Shut the fuck up, robot man. Should I try to sauce it? Dude, I... I don't know. I'm feeling... That's the freakiest version of a wah-wah-wah I've ever heard. I have a better one in there somewhere. I don't know where it is.

It had a little bistanque on it. I fucking... I was working on a thing. I feel more secure in my role as a human content creator i was working on a thing recently with like a bunch of like older comedy writers and they're fucking obsessed with the concept of like chad gbt and like we could do a bit where it writes this and it writes that or like you could do i'm like or you could accept conceptually that the thing doesn't know how to actually write and we could just write fucking jokes but it's like no, but wouldn't it be crazy if the robot did do that?

And I'm like, but it doesn't. We all know that. You know what? I think the joke that you did, Connor, I heard in Echo Park in 2017. Actually, I was talking shit on this taco truck. Existential dread and unpaid bills. I like it's like impression your impression of shitty max is turning tyler dawson yeah i just realized um okay that's our chat chat to gpt chat gpt jokes

uh didn't realize you guys came back on the 11th unfortunately that same very day i had to take my dog to the vet and put him to sleep now i I really will never forget. Happy birthday to you. I'm glad you mean boys are back. Try and tell jokes. Juan from Indianapolis. Thanks, Juan. I will not. This is a very...

Sometimes we get emails that are just... You know what's crazy? I don't know if you read his last name. His name is actually Juan the Last Dog. I'm sorry for your loss. It was worth it for Juan Les Dog, dude. How did a guy named Juan end up in Indianapolis? Right?

Wait, is that the same guy who said 11th September? No, different guy. Okay, I was like, Juan's confusing. I wonder if he knows my friend Finnegan Mendoza. Oh, Chichar, I love burritos. On the green hillsides of Temecula. Some of our listeners write us emails that are just kind of like a weird blog

that they just published to our email inbox. Are you there, mean boys? It's me, Margaret. Yeah, I'm on the run from the law. I'm in Crimea right now, but I've got my eyes on Japan. Hello again. I made The Witch of the Following for episode 153

and the Fagin stop motion Not sure what that is I know I misspelled it I've never seen Oliver Twist though You also read my iTunes review On episode 106 Wow this guy's really got Pieces of string and thumbtacks

With our photos on his walls I promise you we remember Actually I kind of remember The stop motion You blew off my email Somewhere between episodes 202 and 214 I actually I remember episode 106.

It was after 105. Shut the fuck up. Did you tweet the email from our buddy Juan05? Wait, that's the Mexican-Irishman. Juan05. Juan05. Oh, cho-cho-cho. Rice and beans.

I'm overjoyed that you're back for some more. I am just ready to say that in the past week, I have immigrated from Australia to Kenya, and I spent two-thirds of all the money I had on a white gold and diamond necklace from Bulgaria, Roma at a Qatar airport. That was more than $5,000 US. Here are some photos.

There were like nine locations in that sentence. And here's the weirdest part. Here are some photos to show this. It just looks like a weird gold necklace. But I don't want to take the necklace out of the box. I'm saving it for my future girlfriend. You bought a $5,000 necklace for some spec pussy? Not even your wife, your girlfriend?

Yeah, the first girl that'll fucking... You bought jewelry at an airport, which is not... I've heard of people doing that, but for a woman they know, not a hypothetical bitch in the cloud. One day when I'm'm in love this woman will know that i hope to get laid one day at an airport you might drake say that once but i got this my wife will have this purse and it's so special and i'm like what did you fucking nerd like can i get an engagement ring

as soon as she turns 18 it was less of a person, more of a Hello Kitty backpack. Anyway, I'm saving that for my future girlfriend. Note the Kenyan power sockets that I bought an adapter for. I also bought some perfume at more than $200 Australian each from Lane Company Vase, Yves Saint Laurent. Thank you for again returning. It's been a highlight in my life. You help make me less sheltered and exposed to more amazing stuff and breaking me out of my Catholic upbringing when I was 16.

I always will be grateful for that. Keep speaking your mind. That's how you guys stay funny. Thanks, pal. You know, when I hear stuff like we're a bad influence on children, like, oh, I stopped believing in God in part because of the mean boys, it really makes you feel good. Yeah, we're a bad influence on children,

but we're an even worse influence on adults, apparently. Next time you're going to buy something stupid in an airport. You have terrible priorities with buying your fucking girlfriend necklace on spec. Next time you're buying shit in an airport that's that expensive and stupid, just send me the money, dude. Bro, you are fucking booty free at duty free. That is what you are, brother. You ain't got no booty, just duty. You ain't getting laid through tsa he he wait he bought

he bought that in bulgaria is that what he said uh from bulgaria roma at a qatar airport yeah for that price and that in those places you could have just bought a wife yeah no shit you fly in spirit she ain't gonna let you near it I'm just trying to think of more of these. All right. Next email comes to us from Jake. Hey there, mean boys. Long time listener. First time writing into the pod.

I called in near the end of the initial run of the pod and I wrote into this is not a show in the summer of 2021 for advice on how to tell my parents that my first girlfriend was not only a trans woman, but also married

and a mom to two kids, parentheses, now three. I guess I missed the whole saga here, huh, fellas? Yeah, I can't remember this. I super remember this. I do vaguely remember this. I don't. I'm sorry. I guess to follow up on that, things went relatively smoothly.

We're still dating, but it's back to being a long-distance relationship, and it may be that way for a while, at least until I find another job that's outside of Utah. I just moved to Park City this year from North San Diego County, and while Sundance is cool two weeks, it's overall pretty beat here. Question one for the boys. Is it hack for an ex-woman like myself

to be in a queer polycule, given my former faith's history with polyamory? And question two, will Ramsey return? It's like the horseshoe theory of like far left and far right. Always kind of end up at the same place or whatever. That's that for fucking, uh, for polyamory.

Oh, that's being more, more liberal, more conservative. You're eventually just like, I got, I got to show a little wives, man.

I don't know. Uh, question two, will Ramsey return with another? Now is not the time for an October 7th. One year later pod. And question three should konami sink all their resources into making dungeon dice monsters a household name

and tabletop gaming and put the yugioh tcg out to pasture peace love and chocolate covered pretzels boys jake um that was a sweet email uh i'm gonna just say yes because everybody loved the dungeon dice monsters episodes of yugioh and i but'm not going to belabor this point. Look, I love the bit of talking about Yu-Gi-Oh! for no one for several minutes and ruining my own podcast but I'm going to save the boys today. And you're not interested in Japan. No, I'm saying that

it's the bullshit no one wants to hear about Capital of the World. Yes, they should bring back Dungeon Dice Monsters. I actually had Dungeon Dice Monsters when I was a kid. Now is not the time. the world yes they should bring back dungeon dice but i actually had dungeon dice monsters when i was um uh and now it's not the time uh we've been asking ramsey to do another now it's not the time but it's never the time it's incredibly logistically difficult to like go and do one of these shenanigans on spec and sometimes he starts one and they don't come together but yeah i always

want to like sort of like not push him a little more but like really like ask him hard and i'm like there's no way for me to go up and just be like hey you know the most convoluted hardest insane piece of comedy anyone ever made yeah do it again for us for like 400 people and no money it's like it's kind of like saying like hey bro come and hurt yourself over and over and over again and do a brand new skateboard trick that no one's ever done just to entertain you know because because i want to have it on my podcast like of course you would wouldn't anybody yeah uh but i talked to rams about this recently he's uh you know he's in the idea of maybe doing some shorter stuff and uh some some stuff that's maybe not so sprawling sprawling and i mean he was like literally convincing guys

that were searching for their long lost son to that he was going to buy their kid like you know this is a time consuming fucking yeah yeah and sometimes i don't sometimes he puts in all that work and it doesn't go anywhere too he's also got like a lot going on right now ramsay's kind of killing it ah he always finds a way to seem stressed uh you guys are both right uh what was the other question uh it was just some boring shit about yugioh um and uh is it hack for a mormon to be in a polyamorous relationship no i think you actually you you can like own it

you know what i mean you'd be like no man my fucking my i'm a quarter spanish like i fucking i mean i mean think about how many like reformed like catholics or jesusy people or whatever have like a you know naughty priest fetish or whatever i think you're in you can work that in the same ballpark yeah just be like yeah you're gonna suck my dick and not be allowed to have coffee like yeah i i every time i hear about it i'm just more and more glad i'm not into bdsm polycules what about him it evolves into dragon cum yeah i think i just got i got mixed there were so many words i'm not interested in that message but i'm glad you told me you were trying to kill a wizard but you didn't have enough polycules yeah sure it sounds about right polycules are those atoms i pull out of the air when i start jerking off the spirit

yeah i think it's important to live your life and ignore your culture uh here i have a question from uh from dave cyrus before we uh go to the voicemails what's up dave dave says question for both connor and keith how many clones of yourself would you need at once to beat tom in a fight oh of of like of how many corners and how many keiths would it take to beat tom in a fight now is it all of your clones and all of your clones together i think we're building an overall army to fight i think i need we need like 10 keiths to serve as like a meat sponge you know like soak up damage like i don't hate that actually you'll be tanking and then i'll be like i guess i'll try to punch

him from behind you i'm kind of thinking what it is, is you build like five of me and we just cling to his legs. And we just sort of wrap him up that way. Yeah, yeah. By the legs. And then you've got, you can start working the body. Get like two of you and just start hitting from two different directions. Yeah, I like this idea of just glomming onto him and kind of like weighing him down. I think five me and three Connor could do it.

Because he's going to kill the first you. Whatever you is in front is dead. I think we need at least four of me to hit him from different directions. Right, but even then, one's going to keep dying. You're going to have to keep cycling him through. Although I guess if you just get him in the side of the head, kind of ping pong him. Can I just bring up the fact that I've once reached for toast

and you flinched. I don't know if your clones are going to want to get close enough to me. Well, I assume that the clones will do as they're told. If we're locked in a death match, there's no other option than to fucking adhere to a strategy. But if they're, wait, if they're clones, they have your brain, your personality, your everything. Or am I thinking of how clones work? uh i i don't know actually i'm you're not gonna believe

this but i'm not an expert on cloning technology you know it would actually be really gross to see keith without a belly button for some reason yeah that would be fucked up you need something to break up all that negative space yeah It's a very negative space to look at. Fuck. I mean, yeah. Well, yeah. If the clones have our brain, they're all just going to go, peace, fucker. And they're all going to be trying to figure out a way to do the shuffle where they're like, you're the clone and I'm the real guy.

All the clones have your brain. They're going to be too busy arguing about no effects to fight Tom. There's no argument. NoFX is great. We agree on that. Oh, good. I'm just thinking about how annoyed all my clones are going to be by a bunch of Keith clones enabling each other's good time party-licious vibes.

You were the one who a day ago was like, let's go see NoFX. I know. I'm just bringing some reference points. There's no amount of clones you guys could have to beat me, because your clones would all start sucking each other off, and then your clones would all start trying to kill each other with a shard of glass. So I don't think, I think I'd be fine. I think that when you,

I would like to actually see someone try to clone Tom, because I think whatever, like, it would do to the cloning machine, like, when you microwave a CD, like, now that would be a man I would not want to fight. A clone of you, like your own Bizarro Like a fucked up kind of like Evil Tom

If you cloned Tom it would do some fucked up weird like clone math Where it would be like you would walk out of the machine And then it would just start spitting out tiny cloning machines Oh yeah do we want to play some voicemails Let's play some voicemails Well now that you guys are back, my life is fucked. So, thanks. Oh, see you around.

Don't fucking, just because your life happened to go to shit when Mean Boys ended, doesn't mean that we did it to you. Yeah. Okay? My life has been awful since Mean Boys ended. It's not Keith and Tom's fault. Yeah. We didn't, look, we didn't ruin your life. We're glad to you. Yeah. Okay? My life has been awful since Mean Boys ended. It's not Keith and Tom's fault. Yeah. Look, we didn't ruin your life.

We're glad it happened. No, I'm kidding. We're glad that you've got some place to come crawling to. Yeah. And it's our podcast. Whatever sad, rust-colored, middle-American problems you have, I hope they clear up. Let me see if this one adds some context. Hey there, Mean Boys. let me see if this one adds some context hey there mean boys I believe I should

I owe you some context as to why I left a message that now you guys are back my life is ruined I'm the guy that's after you guys quit the first time everything was starting to look up and then you guys started

your show again and my life was pretty much stagnant for a while. But since you guys quit the second time, me and my girlfriend bought a house. I now have a six-figure salary, pretty much running part of the city that I'm in. We are looking to get engaged. You know, basically, all this happened pretty shortly after you guys quit the last time. And now that you're back, I'm guessing things are going to suck. But,

um, you know what? I have high hopes after you quit this third time that things will get better. Maybe by the fourth time you guys come back, uh, I'll have a couple of kids and, uh, you know,

um, maybe driving a Jag, something really cool. Or by then maybe, you know, flying cars, whatever. Anyways, uh, love you guys. you know fuck everything god is dead i hope your ability to leave a voicemail is or you run a city

is better than your ability to leave a voicemail i i truly now know i i know less somehow about what you're talking about you're like my life sucks and you're like i have six figures and a wife and i run a city uh imagine being in like a city crisis situation and you gotta wait for this fucker to finish the floodwaters are eating gary indiana or whatever yeah so like furthermore i was at my house with my wife and i was thinking about club club club club well the thing about comp trolling is that when you're in control of something... It's on fire. I was thinking, it kind of upsets me. I was thinking about this the other day.

I don't like the idea of a pregnant woman listening to my show. I just don't think it's... What? I just don't think a pregnant woman should listen to Mean Boys. It's not good for a baby. I wouldn't put it on the headphone that you put on top of the stomach to play Mozart for a baby. I wouldn't put it on like the headphone that you put on top of the stomach, like they would play Mozart for a baby or whatever. But for years,

I don't think it works like that. First person to do that. Actually, I'll send you a t-shirt. I love how hard you immediately changed your mind. If you send us a video of you playing your baby, uh, you know,

the, uh, us with a sauna mod talking about which Pokemon the fuck. And you gotta be for real pregnant. No trying to trick us with a fat lady. Yeah, no fucking stagecraft. All you TikTokers out there. No girthy trickery.

And you know, if Keith forbids that, he's serious. I'm the fucking girth wizard. It's deluxe. That's one of his favorite forms of husky deceit. Have the baby list of moats fart and vivacodon. I couldn't think of a third one for me.

I was stalling. Chopin pizza. Had to go bach at home because he forgot his fucking shoes. Points to both of you. Well, well, well. I woke up this morning on a glorious 9-11 morning and thought, I need to find a podcast to listen to. And to my surprise, I saw a new episode of Mean Boys.

It's a 9-11 miracle. A couple months ago, I found out that you guys did 10 episodes last year, and I had no idea. Heard it from Keith. And after listening to the voicemail of all the other sad people talking about you know their divorces their mental instabilities i was like i'm not like any of these fucking losers until a couple months ago when um went to a mental hospital for a week. It was great. And now going through a crippling divorce. So, yeah, now I'm one of those fucking losers.

So happy you guys are back. It's a 9-11. I love you, pal. Sucks to suck, nerd. Hey, as soon as you think you're doing better than other people, that's when life really bites you in the dick hole. Yeah, you know, I'm sad you're sad, but I'm glad you got your comeupp better than other people. That's what life really bites you in the dick hole. Yeah, you know, I'm sad you're sad, but I'm glad you got your comeuppance

of course. I mean, it's not as sad as the guy who's making six figures, but it's... We've got him in our prayers tonight. Yeah, that guy. The most boring, happily married man with a steady job in health insurance. I've always said revenge is a dish best served, injected into your ass in a mental institution.

No, I'm glad you made it out of the fucking think jail yeah dude brain jail is no fun i'm one of those fucking losers too we're all one of those folks well not just me and you me and tom are one of those fucking losers hey i'm one of those winners i fucking ducked the cuckoo's nest 35 years running man that was one of the saddest things about one of the last time i was in the mental hospital i was like i was hanging out of the yard smoking and i was like ah fuck people here think i'm pretty cool i'm pretty cool for the mental hospital it's not a good place to be the coolest guy the other crazy people are like man that guy thinks we think he's cool he's fucking crazy

i'm sorry someone someone thought i was cool once Keith. Not everyone fucking hates me like you do. Fat battle axe. You know what's weird? When I was in the mental hospital... You fucking porky nag. Yes. Sorry, Tom. Oh, when I was in the mental hospital... You wrote tons of nuisance.

Tom, you have to continue so we can keep interrupting your story about your life trauma. When I was in the hospital in 2014, people just kept walking up to me and telling me that Connor's gay. Yeah, you caught that gay guy over there. I don't know. Oh, fuck. Do we got any more voicemails or do we want to wrap it up? No, yeah, we have. Yeah, let's play one more yeah is this fuck mean boys what's up moneta my god it's good to see y'all back for another year uh me myself uh pretty shitty time uh Cancer, cancer surgery,

no money, completely bombed the message before this. That was fun. I would say about the few good things that have happened to me this year was sadly going to the

Gavin of the Juggalos and finally got a close friend died. That kind of bummed me out. But on the upside, I actually found a video of his wife who was going around the gathering with a glass dodo

with his ashes in it and just spreading it around all over. That brought me a little joy. Okay. Anyway, boys. Okay, that's a good question. Oh, I don't know. Do y'all plan to do a tour anytime soon?

Or is this just another, eh, we'll get M13 for 7-Eleven. Anyway, fuck everything god of dead car knocked off in 2024 the grieving of the juggalos yeah first off

I want to say I'm sorry to hear that your gathering got a little bit smaller but the glass dildo rules that is super fun and I was in a bunch of sketchy broads long after

my heart was ticking. I need a Prego with this Faygo. I'm starting to hear about the cancer too. He has cancer? I thought that's what he said. Yeah, he dropped that. It got lost under the dead friend juggalo business. Yeah.

Bro, I hope you get some insane clown radiation. I don't know. The great Kimo Lenko. I don't know, man. I don't know enough about ICP. No, it needed to be a more specific ICP reference like that, Keith. You're right. Go to the ICP ICU.

Where did you tell the doctors are clowns? Yeah. I hope it was a peaceful death and not a whoops, whoops. Yeah. No, I really. I went to the psych ward at ICP ICU, and it turns out it's really just magnets that are crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. I fucking. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. You drank during the pregnancy, and I'm afraid your baby has downs with the clowns. Sorry, continue. Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.

You really got to keep in perspective. You know, some people are making six figures and have a wife right now. It could be worse. You should be more sensitive to people who are really struggling. You know, you're about to, you know know minimum get that lump taken out and lose some weight and it's rude of you to flex on that yeah people are let me see if this other he said he

bombed another voicemail i think i might have skipped one fags just here to remind you dawson cardock 2024 but really though what's up mean boys good to see y'all again I actually mean that this time my god you finally made it on YouTube nine years holy shit oh I guess since the last time we talked my last game nothing down you know cancer diagnosis cancer surgery went away to Georgia to see a friend's grave came back pending my bitch got out while I was gone and he got pregnant that was nice that's my cat by the way I probably should have preface that anyway other than crippling debt and depression. It sounds like he's looking around for did I write down a better joke.

Let me see if I left any more trauma under the couch. Yeah, you just got to keep in perspective. Some people are really struggling right now with their six figures. Yeah, I did my riff. It was good to hear from you. I hope things get better. It was to hear from you. I'm not gonna say good.

I heard from you. I like Minetta. I love you. Had I heard nothing, I could have just assumed you were I don't know, hanging out where you're at, being all fat and chill. I think you were correct in your second voicemail that not opening by calling me a fag was the correct way to appeal to me as a listener. Man, we haven't done the mailbag for the first few episodes. And I've been like, you know what's weird is I don't remember finishing recording Mean Boys and never feeling quite this optimistic and hopeful for the world.

I'm like, oh, that's right. Hey, you stay fat, you stay black, and you stay a clown, sir. Yeah, I kind of forgot. Yeah, and our show's a little bit lighter when we don't end with the community bulletin board where everyone talks about how much they lost in crypto

and how their wife left them. So anyway, that's when my AIDS got leukemia. But leave us a voicemail. I love playing the voicemails. Send us an email. It was a little lighter than I was expecting. I don't know.

Hey, you guys are all excited about this Mean Boys reunion, allegedly. So let's hear it. Send us your questions, your voicemails. Here's my challenge this week. If you're a longtime listener, never time caller, find an excuse to call us this week. Call us about something. Tell us about your weird life.

Where you heard about the show, anything. Come up with a tidbit for the old meme boys, huh? Do it. Well, yeah, you guys got anything to plug in? I think that's all the official business. Yeah, October 6th, I'll be at the Los Angeles Comic Con doing a fictional roast of Back to the Future. It's at 5.30, so if you're going to that con, come check it out.

We should have Halloween tickets ready. Yes, oh my God, yeah, that's the big plug. People have been asking. Yeah, Halloween is October 18th, third wheel comedy in Los Angeles. Tickets, by the time you're hearing this, are on sale, ready to go. Lineup will be announced soon. But please come out to that. Fucking wear a costume.

I know we were talking about wanting people to come in costumes. Yeah, yeah. Wear a fucking costume. Costumes encouraged. We're going to dress up, and you guys should too. Have some fun for once in your miserable lives, huh? Yeah. Oh, I have cancer.

I can't buy a costume. Oh, I have cancer. I can't buy a costume. Oh, nobody loves me. I'm all alone. I have no money and my tiny penis isn't helping anything. Little sad lump. And furthermore, I can't even leave an effective voicemail

detailing the fucking minutia of my plight. Manetta, I hope you're taking this in the spirit of Tetenda, which is like, we love you. This is what he wanted. They have a good sense of humor. One tear rolling down his cheek. I have a good sense of humor.

The night this is released I called them fags and they were so mean to me and Carter said fuck off with your cancer.

Put some poison in your blood. Stop being a pussy. You'll be fine. Put the poison in your blood. Speaking of blood, I will be battling Paige Wesley tonight at the Hollywood Comedy Store in the belly room. That's a lot of blood.

A lot between the two of us. So much blood. Going to be a blood bath. It's a big bath. Finally she'll take one without just a rag tied to a stick. No, I love her. That's going to be a great battle.

Yeah, fucking... I had to come to Chatterbox two days ago. Classic gospel. I will be doing a reading of my short stories at Skylight Books in West Hollywood, October 19th at 2 p.m. I have a poetry recital at the Westside Comedy Theater October 29th at 8 some great poets on that lineup make sure you come out to that one

and I'll be debuting some of my performance art at the Broad that's gonna be November 14th through the 19th and that flute the competition. Don't forget the flute competition. Oh, yeah, and the Englewood Flute. Why did that break up? Oh, shit. I'll be performing with the Englewood Flute Fellowship at the Long Beach Community Center on December 1st at 2 p.m.

In hindsight, odd that they're not playing in Englewood. Well, we appreciate flute music all over the Southland. We kind of fucked up if we only did it in Englewood. That's the fucking shit. Fuck everything God is dead. Later.

Later. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm