Mean Boys - EP 232 - Stepdad Button (ft. Paige Wesley)

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Lick my balls and anal walls, I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... The hottest UFO researcher in the world. Thank you! For the third year in a row this year.

Congratulations. Thank you. I gotta say, never has there in the history of the Mean Boys podcast been a more unanimous and immediate booking than Paige Wesley. Aw, thank you. We were all so excited to have you here. Gonna go on a fucking... Rampage.

Got the Halo guy in there. So a fucking rampage. There we go. Because her nickname in Roast Battle is Paige Wesley. Thank you. So I actually got a lot of Roast Battle sounds in case you know, it would make you feel more comfortable.

PTSD. Is one of those buttons just a bad comic saying faggot to try and dig out a poor joke writing? That's called my personality. That's a function that's built in. Like, it's a Bluetooth that I have. Or just Meyerowitz walked off to the side like, yeah, you fat bitch. Just like, or the ding ding to start. That's the one that like, you know, I hear that like you know that's like hearing the chopper

landing and nah it's like oh shit it just got real damn it ah fuck uh this thing is not super intuitive the 2019 touch screen of the mean boys podcast uh rig uh page likes to go hard with the outfits at roast battle which i always always respect. And I was thinking on the way over here, I'm going to know exactly how much Paige respects the Mean Boys podcast by how hard she goes. Thank you. This is a relentless fit. It's also one of the things that I figured would be the coolest

because I figured your apartment would be muggy as fuck. I do look like I live in a swampy environment. It was just this sort of fog of human sweats that permeates the air. Did you ever play Candyland? Oh, yeah. You remember how that was, like, the chocolate guy? Yeah.

If you washed the chocolate off that guy, that's what I look like. Keith thought that was the motherland his mom was always fighting for. He was like, fudge where I'm from. Yes, that's what I picture when I hear the fudge lord, is that, like, that image, but evil. The fudge lord should be like the you lose creed in

candy land he drags you to candy hell you're down in fucking girardelli's cavern with the chocolate devil you have failed in your sweet endeavors your path now leads to licorice doom so sayeth the fudge lord that That's my name. Don't fudge it out. I feel like part of that was the Indiana Jones ride from Disneyland. A little bit, yeah. You fool, you've looked into my nougat. She's the world's sexiest UFO researcher.

She's also, I think, the eighth most famous podcaster ever to do Mean Boys. Oh, hey. What's up? I think, the eighth most famous podcaster ever to do Mean Boys. Oh, hey! What's up? Welcome in. Thank you. Thank you. We have podcasting mogul Paige Wesley. You want to tell the people about your shows? Yeah. So, I've got Cult Podcast, which is exactly what it sounds like. It's a true crime podcast about cults. It's about small horses. Yes.

My favorite cult was Peyton Manning. My favorite cult you told me about was the one where it's like anybody's imagination is part of the galactic empire unarius unarius unarius yeah yeah unarius he's also a great lord of the rings bad guy also and they were basically led by a lady who like she and her husband started it and then he died and she was like let's fucking go this is my cult now and just went full drag queen with it like when you go to their like place in El Cajon California they have her crowns on display because she just fucking loved tiaras that fucking rules it's awesome is it weird

that I hear about a cult fronted by a woman and I go yeah I'd read the literature oh yeah I mean something hard about a civilian with a collection of crowns. I mean, sometimes we go wrong with it, but like a lot of... It's like Kanye and her who... Right? Yeah. And it was crowns and then she would have these big old dresses that were like the solar system and stuff.

That would light up. Now she's just the teacher from the magic school bus. That's just... Yeah, a little bit. Are you her and this is all like an elaborate ruse to get your shit over? It's all an elaborate ruse. It's me. I've come back

from dying like right around the time I was born. Coincidence? Bummed out her two scale Saturn sash. Didn't fit in their Ford Fiesta or whatever the fuck. Well, they would airbrush all their cars to look like UFOs and sometimes mount UFOs on their cars.

Is this a Cholo alien cult? Yes, it now? Yes. It costs $15. It's like a merger between Heaven's Gate and the band's Heaven's Gate. Yeah. $15.

Yeah. If you think I'm not legally like an actual member, you are mistaken. If I showed up to the call with a 20, they'd give me change. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they'd invite you to their craft day. What kind of cult gives you change? That's insane. So like, what comes with membership? A pin that's the shape of a UFO that has tiny fake rhinestones in it.

And also, like, you can show up there almost any time and just hang out. I've gone at least twice now. So, it's, like, pretty much $15 for your own private Starbucks. Yeah, basically. I mean, I don't think they've got Wi-Fi. It's a lot of them painting murals. I like how Tom heard this. We communicate with the aliens but not with the actual

satellites we have. Well, they're waiting for the galactic library. No, Tom heard this and thought, we work opportunity. Right. Do they have bathrooms there?

Yes, they were very nice bathrooms. Okay, well, I know where I'm signing up to take a shit on the road. There you go. Yeah, the Unarius Science Center. California's Buc-ee's. Your God is my rest stop. Damn, I know where I'm signing up to take a shit on the road. There you go. Yeah, the Unarius Science Center.

California's Buc-ee's. Your God is my rest stop. Damn, I was about to ask if they were cleaner or dirtier than Buc-ee's. No, Buc-ee's is still probably cleaner, to be honest with you. But it depends on the Buc-ee's, though. I've only ever been to a good Buc-ee's. Is there a bad Buc-ee's? I don't think you're allowed to be a bad Buc-ee's.

It's like an In-N-Out. If you're a bad In-N-Out, they come kill you. Yeah, bad Buc-ee's is called an Ar an In-N-Out. If you're a bad In-N-Out, they come kill you. Yeah, a bad Buc-ee's is called an Arco. Or a Love's. Oh, Love's is brutal. I went to one Buc-ee's that was... It's a Popeye's slash Long John Silver's slash White Castle's slash Taco Bell's.

You want to take a shower next to what used to be an A&W root beer? Yes. I like Love's. Yeah, I mean, they do have fun, like weird foods that are their own private label. And that's a fun feature of loves, but they're not. Oh, loves. Okay. They're not beaver nuggets.

You've never had jerky and you've had gas station select. Exactly. Beaver nuggets. Oh, I don't want to know what kind of yeast infection results. Oh, the beaver nuggets. The beaver nuggets. Fucking rip. I have had beaver nuggets. I'm just being disgusting want to know what kind of yeast infection results in. Oh, the beaver nuggets rip. The beaver nuggets fucking rip. I have had beaver nuggets. I'm just being disgusting.

The fudge is what rocks for me. Oh, the fudge is also very good. It compares to the Lords. The fudge Lords. The fudge Lord has no sway over the dominion of Bucky. The beaver rules all. You eat the beaver Lord, which is just me in a Hawaiian shirt. Just trying to check my way into a pussy.

Nine minutes until we're talking about yogurt-covered raisins. That's about right. Of course, this crew had to get into exotic gas station snacks. The land speed record for the slowest-looking guest. The only thing better is Japanese 7-Eleven oh my god yeah i will stand it it's amazing japanese so you guys just went and keith was telling us like no it's okay there it's all right it's like you can finally be gay in san francisco we're eating at 7-eleven it's so hard it's hard to explain because i come back you haven't been yeah yeah and i'm like no it's like

the food is like good and they're like we've watched you eat egg salad at a 7-Eleven here, you pig. I've never seen you eat salad. Egg salad where the lettuce is mayonnaise does not count as an actual salad. Even then, I just off the name alone, I don't see it happening. It is like you do have to experience it to understand the difference. Like you feel safe in there. I've never seen you eat a salad that didn't have human shit inside it. There's also two others.

There's like 7-Eleven, and then there's like two other stores. Family Mart. Family Mart and Lawson's. I didn't go to a Lawson's. Which are basically like 7-Eleven, but a different name. And then you can like Pepsi challenge their fried chicken against each other. And it's all incredible. Like these mini-marts.

Yeah. All right. You can make a suicide with fried bird there? Yeah, you can. There was a night where me, Pat, and Kim were eating fried chicken in various shapes from three different stores. We were like the worst robber barons who had taken the goods of the land. I went and saw NoFX with Keith last night

and I kept trying to get some disgusting music festival food. Need some yummy shit, right? Nachos. Got a fucking bratwurst. Dog shit. Ate half of it, gave the rest to Keith. Bacon-covered hot dog.

Same thing. Ate half of it, gave the... It was like having a family dog for the first time in my life. And I wanted to, like, have dignity and not take the food from you, but it was when somebody tries to hand you half a sausage. I'm like, well, I'm not. Yeah. It probably cost, like, I'm not. Yeah. Well, it probably cost like 16 bucks or whatever, too. No, I mean, the bacon hot dog was good

because that's the Mexicans were like, we rolled our grill here ourselves. It's just been too many times in Keith's life where he didn't have half a sausage. That's true. I don't think Keith's ever had half a sausage. I saw the naked roast battle. Aw, shucks.

Yeah, he was, yeah. As Pat said in a clip I heard about through the grapevine, saw the naked roast battle. Aw, shucks. Yeah, he was, yeah, as Pat said in a clip I heard about through the grapevine, Keith won that battle twice. Something like that. It was very rude. I talked to people that did the naked roast

battle at Skankfest the last two years, and all of them were like, all the dude's dicks look tiny. I was like, yeah, that's a terrifying day. All the blood was in my fucking brain immediately. There's nothing I could do about it. If someone has a big dick while they're naked in front of a crowd, they're a sociopath. Well, now I feel weird. I don't know if I said this on Mean Boys or if I just have said it around,

but I stand by the biggest penis I've ever seen in a non-sexual capacity. Steve Ran as easy. Really? Dude, we both judged naked. Or he judged the night I did it at Skank Fest. Last time I did it. Judges have to be naked, too. And we were talking or whatever before.

And then she's like, this is a little chamber behind a curtain where we were just getting naked before we went out. And he just very casually got naked. And everyone was like, what confidence. Yeah, I was like, holy, you pole vaulted away from ground zero. Like, oh my God, dude. Because I've always, like with Steve, I've been like, you're like one of the few decent men in comedy. And then I'm like, oh yeah, that's why. You have a whole other heart in your dick.

Yeah, you have a loving family and a gun in your pants. This is wild information. I would have never expected that. Dude, 9-11 inches like it's well I have some good news for the listeners actually

they are no longer under any obligation whatsoever to take anything I say seriously ever again because I did cry at the last Novak show

did you really when they played the new song that was like the my way kind of interpolation that was told the story

of the band and when i first met this guy and it was very sweet and very well done and they were like this is the first time we're going to play the only time we're going to play and remember to record it and uh they started singing i realized what it was going to be and i was just like oh no it was like uh the story of their band it was like they wrote it just for this yeah like a three minute song that was kind of like My Way by Frank Sinatra. But, yeah, cry. Man, it was a great night.

It was a beautiful night. You know, me and Keith were there. We're getting this thing back going. We're watching these guys celebrate the culmination of one of the seminal groups in this genre that's meant so much to us throughout our lives. San Pedro, California. The birth of hardcore itself. And for about three or four seconds here, we're standing there in the fucking October evening, and we were thinking that we had a pretty cool culture. And for about three or four seconds there, we're standing there in the fucking October evening.

And we were thinking that we had a pretty cool culture. And then Keith's got fucking robbed. Some dick stole my wallet. Punk rock. Yeah. See, I saw him in Chicago. My favorite part of the show was like, because I'm not enough. It was just them shitting on Slayer.

They shit on Slayer the whole weekend. There was a whole thing going on where he told a story about trying to have some of their crafty. And Slayer, one of the guys from Slayer was like, those are Slayer snacks. You can't have Slayer snacks. So throughout the whole weekend, someone would yell Slayer. And someone who was at that show would yell Slayer snacks. Slayer people would not understand what the fuck was going on. Like we were trying to start the most one-sided war of all time. By befuddling them.

Yeah. The last night, he was just shitting on me. I was like, all you have to do to enjoy metal, all you have to do is just be against stuff. That's all this requires. Where are you going? Breakfast. I'm against breakfast.

I've never felt lamer in my life than after the show, with the flashlight looking around for the wallet. Like, excuse me, fellow punk rockers, have you seen my California state ID? You guys, I know we're here to mosh, but my bus pass is in there. Getting home is going to be totally gnar. Yeah.

Oh, shit. What was I going to say? I saw Sonata Arctica one time. That's like the one metal show I've been at, and most of it wasn't in English. Linar. Yeah. Oh, shit. What was I going to say? I saw Sonata Arctica one time. That's like the one metal show I've been at. And most of it wasn't in English. And they were just gesturing at this giant Viking ship. But it was like a panel held up by PVC pipe. And I was like, I can't get into this at all.

And the guy told me I was the prettiest girl there. And I was like, that's not saying a lot. Yeah, you were probably one of three. Yeah. First of all, there aren't that many. Secondly, you should be worried like that's not saying a lot yeah you were probably one of three first of all there aren't that many secondly you should be worried if that's the case would you like to take a ride on the viking boat all the original

ivory in that mouth the bell of the ball around a bunch of dads with tucked in black t-shirts everyone had longer hair than me it was wild alright well what are we what are we gonna have Everyone had longer hair than me. It was wild. All right. Well, what are we going to have? Some effects, but not the Mexican Jokoff sound effect.

There we go. That's the Mexican Jokoff. It's going to be nice and tense. Tell the joke, Pace. Let's hear it. Your move, bitch. Oh, guess has to go first. Are we making her go first? Yes.

Yeah. Oh, really? This is what you get for being more successful than us. Yep, you're under the gun. All right. Okay, fine. Or I can go first. No, it's fine.

I'll go. A California man assaulted the employees of Blaze Pizza after he noticed a pride flag in the restaurant. He believes that gays will burn in mozzarella. Hell. Bacon soda. Bacon soda. No sausage.

God damn it. That just sounds like the name of an annoying make-your-own-pizza place from Northern California. Mozzarella. Oh, God. It's going to invade my life like voodoo donut with its overpriced mediocrity. Yeah, it'll be at CityWalk soon enough.

All right, this is appropriate for what we were just talking about. A Japanese woman stopped a thief at a convenience store using a headlock she says she learned from watching anime. She was interviewed next to her husband, an octopus man with penises for tentacles. Committed. That is a committed and gaped weeb.

Freaking believable. I am not co-signing this new fucking Mortal Kombat ass soundboard. No. No, you're not. Cowabunga, fucker. Is there the classic perfect? That would have been good.

I just got this. It's going to happen to one of us. All right. Load the cricket gun. It's ready, motherfucker. Crickets in the chamber, bitch. There's almost nothing you can do to not bomb right now. I want you to know we're all rooting against you.

So Jimmy Carter turned 100, which makes him somehow younger than Biden. Fuck you, motherfucker. Fuck you. I wanted that to be crickets. What happened to our guns? We can't do it now, motherfucker. I was trying to mix it up, but I saw Glenn Danzig say, fuck you. Oh, I set my shotgun to random.

That's... Yes! Okay. You want to tell a joke? I like our fucking soundboard. You like our fucking soundboard? I can't believe you cut that up and put it on the soundboard. Well, I already had the MP3,

but for some reason... Okay, guys. A quote-unquote watchdog group that claims to root out hypocrisy has offered anyone who stages a gay pride parade in gaza one million dollars pack your bags the mean boys are going to palestine It's fun to stay in some fucking G-A-Z-A G-A-Z-A G-A-Z-A From the river to the deep, bitch! I'm in Hamas! I'm in Hamass.

Fight the power bottom. Oh, shit, that's real good. Tell those G's I'm Elizabeth. Ah, fuck that one up. Good enough. There was a song break in that, too. I got to cheat a little bit. I'll see you at the Wailing Stonewall,

sailor. Hey, the page, just know that failure is behind every turn. Alright. Oh, fuck. Cheryl Hines and RFK Jr. have barely spoken since news of his affair leaked. And now that the relationship is officially dead, he plans on strapping it to the hood of his car.

Somebody is listening to this show for the first time with A, no roast battle context, and B, no history of us. She's going, is this what it is? Is it like 20% fine banter and 80% air horns? I don't know any of the people you mentioned. I assumed Hines had something to do with ketchup. I don't like ketchup.

You assumed very wrong. Cheryl Hines is an actress. She has been with RFK Jr., who was running for president. He's also... It would make more sense if he was married to the bitch of the ketchup fortune. Honestly, it would. The brand new ketchup lady. It would.

Cheryl Hines is way too elegant and fucking demure and composed and talented. So many things. RFK keeps finding dead animals and strapping them to his car oh that's right and then taking them from like to a second location so catch what makes more sense then he could be like it's not blood now i understand the joke and it's very funny rfk truly is like if you remove all the like weird right wing shit and anti-vax of it it's kind of like what people would imagine you running for president 100 because it'll be like what do you think about foreign policy? And within like 45 seconds, he's like, yeah, I don't know. A worm ate part

of my brain one time, though, and I found a bear, but it didn't like me, so I killed it. Nah, I hate ketchup. I'm not like this guy at all. Tom does hate ketchup. Tom's point that ketchup is gross, once you fucking really internalize that ketchup is gross, you kind of can't.

I eat it, but it's gross. I love ketchup. I'm the pro ketchup. Yeah, I'm pro ketchup. Why is ketchup gross? Because it's a sugary paste full of chemicals. It's got half a molecule of tomato in every fucking teaspoon of it. Yeah, so does every other sauce that we have.

It's pretty much astronaut food. It is what food is, but it's a particularly artificial food. You could make ketchup at home if you wanted to. Yeah, but I've had it. You're vaping. What are you wanted to. Yeah, but, and I've had it. You're vaping. What are you talking about? Yeah, fuck y'all. This is also dumb and bad, but... Ketchup is more tomato than that is raspberry.

Hey Tom, feel free to get in the middle of me defending you at any point here. I've just been getting yelled at for your opinion for a minute. Finally the fats have evened the score, okay? Shut up, Wesley. You should do this more often, Tom Tom Just have like a yell edible twink To have your bad opinion

You know what Connor I don't know what you're talking about I thought this would be fun to be a me and Tom team up But I go for the buddy comedy And he's like nowhere to be seen I was waiting for you to play nine more songs on your toy Let's get Tom back on here. Good cop rejecting the bid cop over here. No, it is gross.

It's mostly a pile of sugar and I don't want to put that on top of french fries. What are you, a coward? There's no flavor. It's sugar. Sugar is a flavor. It's sweet. It tastes gross. It's like the texture is gnarly.

Hold on, boys. Let's keep this. Fuck you guys. That's what I said in the paper. You had no idea. What the hell is wrong with you all? We have to have an off-air meeting about the soundboard. Oh, do we?

Whose turn is it? Paige. Oh, no, I just went. Oh, it's me. It was sure. No, no, no. Oh, it's me. My phone fully did die while we were talking

about ketchup. So I'll either have to find a charger or do this from memory. Yeah, let me try to get you charged up while Keith's telling a joke. All right. Yeah, let's do this one. In response to Project 2025 targeting the adult film industry, a group of porn stars have launched

an election ad campaign. Their new slogan is, Make America Gape Again. Yay. Thank you. Hey. Ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. Don't you fucking dare patronize me.

Yeah. I'll do it again with a worse punchline. In response to Project 2025 targeting the adult film industry, a group of porn stars have launched an election ad campaign. Their new slogan is, Vote Blue No Matter Who, Now Watch Me Swallow All This Goo. Foreign stars have launched an election ad campaign. Their new slogan is, vote blue no matter who. Now watch me swallow all this goo. I'm in love with the fool.

All right. Well, now that I have all of the momentum. I'm so sorry. That's all right. Apologize. Hurricane Milton is the biggest storm this year and is heading to Florida. What a shocker. A Jewish storm headed to Florida.

You can't even get a good bagel here. Just fucking Jerry's parents from Seinfeld. Made of weather. You should have moved, Jerry. Everyone's going to die who stays there, according to everybody who knows weather.

I don't know about weather. I want you to do the news so bad. According to anyone who's anyone in the world of weather. According to Sky Wizards, death is now. Fucking my Doppler dumb thousands. Okay, guys. You're going to get wet. Bunch of soggy ass Jews.

Costco. You guys all know Costco? Yes. Oh, yeah. Well, Costco started selling giant apocalypse ready buckets of freeze dried food with a 25 year shelf life. In related news, Tom Goss is going around bragging that he found a way to eat for $40 a month. You know how excited I was to hear bucket of food

and it wasn't me? That's so you, though. Eight years ago, this is a fact that hadn't happened by coincidence. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right. It is still dead. That's fine.

I don't even have an extra joke. I'm good, I'm good. Paige is good. You're going to have to tell them back to back as soon as that phone comes online. That's fine. I don't even have an extra joke. I'm good. Paige is good. You're going to have to tell them back to back as soon as that phone comes online. That's fine. I will. Or like, I'll go from memory.

It'll just probably be my worst one that made me laugh when it shouldn't have. There you go. Do it. All right. Marjorie Taylor Greene this week tweeted, yes, they can control the weather. Nuh-uh, said a guy collecting two of every animal. I do love, I saw that tweet and I'm like, when she runs for re-election, she really should lean in and have like the

yes we can Obama poster, but it's just yes we can control the weather. Si se puede control the weather. Yes. A Frontier Airlines plane burst into flames at the Las Vegas airport. Said the plane, quote, I knew I shouldn't have refueled with that helicopter. The Spearmint Rhino. It got a airplane STD.

Oh, like, yeah. Like fucking you see like Chopper Lydia or Plane AIDS or Gotta Flee Here? Tom, I've never respected you more as a friend that you heard the gun cock and then jumped in front of the gun. You took a bomb for me.

This is Tom. Did you ever know that you're my hero? Is this Tom going to eat you? I'm trying to think. I don't do puns. Here's Tom. I thought of the worst joke in the world.

Oh, I got you guys. I'm doing it even though I shouldn't. Okay. okay uh a doctor admitted to disguising himself as a nurse to try to kill his mother-in-law with a fake covid shot he would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for his fishnet stockings and huge fake knockers just a big tittied man walking around going i'm not gonna kill you like he's like i won't be a normal nurse i have to be be a sexy nurse. Yes, that was what I was getting at. Couldn't figure out how to make it more poignant.

Yes, poignant was the word. I really want a tear to come down my cheek when I think about this dude's big hairy tits. Ten cc's of cleavage stat. Ten double d's. You know what I'm saying? Sorry, my awooga's not, it hasn't come in from the...

It was a meme. You don't have a 10-day free soundboard? We gotta play soundboard Russian roulette at some point where, like, you keep shuffling through, but one button just has Mein Kampf on audiobook all the way through. You can't stop it.

And if somebody hits it, we have to let it play for the whole episode. That actually happens when we punch you on the stepdad button. The stepdad button. My medulla fucked my mama. Oh, boy. Leave that button alone. Is it my turn?

Yeah. Okay, gang. A paralyzed man, now unable to walk after the company that made his powered exoskeleton stopped offering part support. So no matter how bad your day is going, at least you didn't buy the Microsoft Zune of robot legs. This poor motherfucker. That shouldn't be legal to just be like yeah we got bored of making you iron man yeah i know we changed your life and then we're like yeah that's kind of like not great for the bottom line to keep uh pouring these molds robo like how many people bought

the robot legs it has obviously not enough i mean. I'm like, is it just that one guy? I like the idea that he has to go door to door and be like, if seven more people buy a robot body I can walk again. These candy bars benefit the robot-legged of America. Seeking pro bono work from highly experienced machinists

because planned obsolescence came from my shins. The race for a very specific cure. Okay, is this last round? That was my third joke. Yeah, I think we had two more. Two more, okay, perfect. Perfect.

All right. Yeah, I got this one. Mean. Okay, load, please. Thank you. 2024's Fat Bear Week has started at Alaska's... Oh, do you have one too? No, I just learned about this last night. Yeah, it started at Alaska's Catch My National Park.

So for the next four months, the bears will enjoy eating fatty foods, being lazy, and occasionally hosting a podcast. Every year since Fat Bear Week has become a thing, as soon as it rolls around, I just start getting DM after DM from just... What are you doing this week? Your most creative friends. I never heard about it until last night. This girl, I'm saying, fucking showed it to me. And it's it's

uh them some fat bears what did she say i found the place you can drink for free it was like you should do jokes about this and i was like i'm going to go to sleep doing that i have seven bad jokes i'll do five of them and the rest is up to god it's got everything you like free Free salmon, a chance for combat. Well, she told me that they had to postpone it because one of the contestants ate another one of the contestants this year. What? They're marketing.

Okay, but that bear should just automatically be the fattest bear. That bear's the winner, yeah. But their whole brain is... It's manibalism. Look, I'm the fattest mean boy, but I haven't ever eaten Tom. But if I did, it would definitely solidify it. Yeah, well, their whole thing is, look how fat and adorable these bears are. So they can't have just like, say goodbye to Kodak.

He got eaten by Tito or whatever the fuck. He should have wanted it more. Tito? Did you name them things like that? But Jermaine was busy? I would love to see Keith in a Donner party type scenario, because just knowing how conniving he is, what he needs to be, he could just fucking. Actually, it would be better to keep me alive. I know I have the most meat, but I also produce the most heat and getting pretty cold out here.

And I'm kind of a one man furnace. It tracks. So what do you think about Tom? He's been pretty shitty lately. Yeah, it's kind of a dick, man. I don't know. He's strong and resourceful. I don't think we need that floating around.

He's got a lot of lean muscle that I bet would be really nutritious. Wait, what time are we talking about? The rest of us are soft complainers, and that's really the energy we want to cultivate on this show. I'm walking around like the snowy wreckage in Bermuda shorts. It's fucking muggy out here.

I was about to say Oh shit That's not the song What just happened Oh I thought I was gonna go y'all ready for this And then I was gonna do my joke But that's not what it is I thought it was gonna be y'all ready for this I can't hear anything

I hear the shit I hear it very much It's very hearable Why is it still going I hear the sound of 200 people Clicking out of the YouTube window I didn't mash every Fucking button at once 12 times

Okay but if I It said y'all ready for this? And then I did my joke. It was going to say that in a second, but we did not time it right. How many seconds did you need? I don't know. I fucking. I have one short one and the one where I just left it unedited.

Well, where's the short one? That's just the boxing bell. Oh, you turned it off. Oh, there it is. Y'all ready for this? Tom, there's never been a funnier time to tell you that it's my turn. I was going to sit there and watch you fucking dick around through the entire goddamn Space Jam soundtrack while I waited politely to bomb. For years, Tom had the dumbass soundboard.

And I was like, oh, Connor made like a normal one. And it's fun, but it's not as fun. And then you like spilled your brain on it. A computer error caused many Bank of America customers' accounts to display as having zero dollars. Millions of people said, where is my money? While Tom Goss exclaimed, oh, cool, I don't owe them $40 anymore. Can't handle five. I'm tired of your shit.

It's a pretty good joke, but you got slammed anyway. You know why? I'm always fucking cocked and loaded. One day they're going to make a sitcom with someone named Expand and it's over for you. Great joke, Keith. Oh, fuck off. You fuck off. Now the fucking gun works. Yeah, yeah, it does.

Motherfucker. Trump has vowed to remove the, quote, Jew haters on October 7th. When asked what Jew haters, Trump said Santa Claus. Really? Okay. It was the way you said it. Santa Claus. I've never seen eyebrows have an accent before.

Santa Claus. He fucking hates juice. I'm closing this out because Paige was first. Okay. Oh, wait, no. We got a whole other round. We got a whole other round. We're the least together.

Our shit has been in years, and it's kind of delightful. You better get it together. Accumulate your shit. Alright, your turn, Connor. Assemble your fucks! Alright. A pet tortoise thought to be lost for 30 years was discovered alive

in the owner's attic. When asked the family how it felt to be reunited, they were more than a little shell-shocked. Can you believe, Tom, that none of them were asking? It was eternal! You want it back for me. You want it back.

Call it back. You guys just don't get it. Read more in the diary of Anne Franklin. That was a fucking... What do you call it when you chip that one right into the sand something golfers would do alright

five horses escaped from a Missouri Renaissance Festival and behold the first rider is a conquering power a medieval times cast member the second wielding plastic swords, a symbol of bloody war. The third, a giant turkey

leg, a symbol of the famine. And fourth, a big titty goth girl, a symbol of death itself, accompanied by her bisexual boyfriend as her page. Just me chasing a horse to the shovel. Oh, fuck.

All right. Joker Folia De is bombing at the box office. That's what it's called. I didn't choose that. Critics say the film is disjointed, incoherent, and suffers from pacing issues,

while fans of the first Joker say, quote, singing is gay and they let too many bitches talk. Those were the reviews I read. Bad men enjoyed Joker. I'll take the sound effect now. No, don't give him a sound effect.

I don't even get one? No, I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that was just fucking... Freaking believable. See, you sound more like me. I can't even burn myself. I'm too pretty.

I've never gotten to push one of those buttons until now. Well, and I thought about not letting you, and then I realized we would have spilled my coffee. Yeah. too pretty. I've never gotten to push one of those buttons until now. I thought about not letting you and then I realized we would have spilled my coffee. So coffee wins, everybody. Alright. A woman with muscular dystrophy has completed 12 marathons in wheelchairs for charity.

I won't let it define me, she said to a newscaster who defined her by her wheelchair. I won't let it define me, she said to a newscaster who defined her by her wheelchair. I won't let it define me. A little chyron on the bottom, just crippled bitch of note. Oh, fuck. All right. This is the last joke.

And it's actually the last Japanese bombardier that attacked Pearl Harbor has passed away at the age of 106. Connor's grandma, 85, and more alive and toxically shitty than ever. America 2, Japan 0. I'll leave my own Pearl Harbor on your great-granddaughter's fucking tits, you Japanese piece of shit. USA! USA! USA! Connor's grandma forever. Japan never. Is this why you don't like it when we talk about 7-Eleven?

Yeah, yeah. Well, I was thinking today, it'd be fun. You know, I'm always against, like, yeah, we should start a beef with this podcast, but I'm like, I'll start a beef with Japan. Yeah, I thought we were going to have a beef with, like like marin or something at some point but japan was more fun is it because they hunt whales and it reminds you of me and tom all right the mean boys podcast will be right back and now dracula finds out he's getting a divorce.

What? With your tennis instructor? I got you two slices for Adam Rosner! That was Dracula Finds Out He's Getting a Divorce. Ladies and gentlemen, we're bringing back a game we've only played once on the Mean Boys podcast, but now, after today, it'll be two times. We're playing a game called Battle Royale.

Now, I want to refresh. Smoothest intros in the game. When you need a number and then the number right after it. There's only one man to call. So here's how this works. I'm going to give you two different people. It could be a fictional character. It could be a

real person. It could be I already said fictional. Historical. Yeah, Tom, this is the part i thought would you be going to uh and what you guys have to do is you guys are going to discuss and vote who would advance now the first round we're going to keep it real simple it's just a fist fight to the death okay no weapons uh so how it how, it's gonna be, everyone's starting unarmed. All the fights in the first round are gonna take place at a ranch. Now, that

ranch will have typical ranch stuff. So if you think that they would be able to get a weapon before facing defeat, that's part of the argument. Like Wonder Woman could conceivably get some rope and create a lasso at a ranch. Sure, yeah. Or just like throw a cow at a motherfucker.

Exactly. Yeah, because it's Wonder Woman. Yeah. All right, we're all familiar on the rules of Wonder Woman. Yeah. So first round, yeah, we're going to just go. It's a regular fist fight to the death. Who's going to win in a fight?

Jim Jones or the Kool-Aid Man? I didn't plan this, but I am wearing my gym coat. We were saying the other week, Jim Jones, before he really got deep into all this shit, seems like kind of a fun hang. Yeah, he also did a ton of good things for people. It's a really complicated

case where you're like, okay, but if somebody had just maybe assassinated him before this year, it would be, he would be a hero. Didn't he fuck kids? No. No, that wasn't Jim Jones. Every cult leader, it feels like, or at least a lot of them, there's a point where it's like, if you just stopped

here, you'd just be eating pussy and living on a farm. Right. And you'd be a cool dude. Yeah, right. Well, and for Jim Jones, he like desegregated, like, Indianapolis. Waco could have been much hornier. Yeah, right. Well, and for Jim Jones, he, like, desegregated, like, Indianapolis. Waco could have been much hornier. Yeah. Like, it could have been.

He was, like, a weirdly, like, politically. That guy fucked kids, though. Yeah. Oh, Waco, I wish was less horny then. Yeah. Yeah, but Jim Jones, like, paid electric bills and, like, you know, opened food banks and stuff. Kind of like Spad and America's first anti-Japan pro-Waco. Pro-Rico.

The weirdest hot takes in the history. All right, but Jim Jones versus the Kool-Aid man. At a ranch. Yes, at a ranch. Fist fight to the death. Now, here's the question. I'm inclined to say the Kool-Aid man is at a grave disadvantage

just because he's made of glass. That was my thinking as well. And I think the question is, is he full of Kool-Aid? Because if you push him in the Kool-Aid sloshes, he's made of glass. That was my thinking as well. And I think the question is, is he full of Kool-Aid? Because if you push him in the Kool-Aid sloshes, he's also off balance. I have a couple serious points to raise.

Whenever you're talking about power scaling with a cartoon fictional character, you need to have a measurable feat to start to create a scale of power. There's only one feat upon which we can judge and evaluate the Kool-Aid man busting through a brick

wall. Now, if he was made of glass, could he have the necessary hardness on the hardness scale to destroy the brick wall? I think not. I don't think he's made of glass. I mean, if he's full of liquid, kind of like the windows on a car. Like, if you try to break a car window underwater, it's way harder to do because of the water. That makes sense.

We're also, okay, so I know they don't have weapons, but do they have just things they would potentially carry around with them? Well, they've got the ranch. Yeah, they can go scavenging for weapons, but they don't start with weapons. Then here's my thought, because if there's one thing Jim Jones knows how to do, it's poison Kool-Aid. That is true. So I think he goes, he finds the pesticides on the ranch and he dumps them right in that fucker's dome. Yeah, he full horse maxes him.

I don't know if you guys have been following the horse maxing on Twitter, but... Imagine if we said yes, totally. Imagine if we said yes, and we all went, oh yeah, horse maxing. Of course. It bled into Reddit and Instagram too, but this guy found horse electrolytes

at Tractor Supply, and he's like, it's apple flavored just like Gatorade, and I'm pretty sure humans could drink it, and then it was just a debate as to whether or not that was possible. First of all, I don't know if there's an apple flavored Gatorade. I don't think there is. If a man is going to die or become a centaur,

those are the only two options. I love a bargain hunter who's like, you know what? Dog Vicodin gets the job done just like human Vicodin. Maximum horse. Yeah, so my vote is going to be for Jim Jones. One for Jim Jones? Where's Freddie Mercury in all this?

The Kool-Aids man. Hey, oh yeah. I'm going Kool-Aid man. I think he's got supernatural hardness, durability, the strength to punch through walls. A mere mortal could not fucking contend with his pummeling blows. Not for a second. Now. Not on any ranch.

Not on Skywalker Ranch with all the fucking CGI in the world. He can't move his. Yeah, his arms are too short to throw punches. But I feel like. He's like the juggernaut. He's got momentum. But he can't move. He has no hips. He cannot

rotate. He can't pivot. He has to do a full walk around to do a circle. Does that stop you from running into a shitty Elvis and punching him in the chest so hard his heart explodes? Elvis has hips. That's one of the defining features of an Elvis. Well, he looks like Elvis. His hips lit a generation

ablaze. That's what I'm saying. He would kill Jim Jones. Okay. I think Jim Jones just has to outrun the Kool-Aid man. Like, he's got warning. I totally didn't even put that connection together until right now. Are you serious? Did not even.

Was just artistically analyzing the power scales. I think he just has to outrun him. And I think this is a ranch. If he pushes him over one hay bale while he's not looking. Paige knows about ranch. I know about ranch. This is like,

we're laying out the secrets of the Hidden Valley. But like, if he pushes him like over a bale of hay and spilled the Kool-Aid, because I don't know the poisoning would work.

Is the Kool-Aid part of the Kool-Aid man? Is he the pitcher or the laid? And since Jim Jones, the Kool-Aid was at the very end of his arc does he walk around with packets of convenient poison like crystal light in his fucking suit all the time poisons like pesticides or whatever but if he spilled him hold on kool-aid man don't barrel towards me with your unstoppable strength i've got to go find the pesticides in this ranch. He's got little bitty cartoon legs. He's got tiny legs. He's got no cardio, no endurance. If you spill

him, then you can break the glass. Say that to the wall made of bricks, haters. I'm having fun, but we have a lot more battles to fight. You are the deciding vote. I say Jim Jones. Jim Jones. Jim Jones. Jim Jones. Jim Jones makes it to the next round. Okay, the next bracket,

Freddy Krueger versus Cobb from Inception. Okay, first of all, I want to point out, it's really a weird feeling when you're like, you guys, we have to get back on point. When you are the voice of reason, the ship has sunk. Is that Leonardo DiCaprio? That is Leonardo DiCaprio.

So it's that guy versus Freddy Krueger. Yes, two dream people. Okay, but they're just on a ranch, and they have no... That So it's that guy versus Freddy Krueger. Yes. Two dream people. Okay, but like they're just on a ranch and they have no... That is correct. I gotta go Freddy Krueger. He doesn't get his glove though. It doesn't matter if he has the glove. Freddy Krueger has like magic powers.

I just think Robert Englund could beat up Leonardo DiCaprio. That's what's up. Okay. I don't care about this at all. I vote against whatever Keith and Paige think alright about whatever fucking stupid horror movie and shitty

dreamscape have fun guys I mean Freddy even without the glove is still the son of a thousand maniacs and if you believe can we get a Freddy Krueger Michael Jackson glove that's sparkly as well if you believe part 6 is also possessed by the demons of evil dreams.

So, like, he's kind of unstoppable. Oh, the demons of evil dreams. Oh, those guys. Well. Everyone knows those. What is that in Freddy lore? Relate this to Goku for me. Okay, great.

As far as the kids that Freddy has killed, it's like over 9,000. I heard Freddy Krueger won't kill a woman after they're over 25, though. Yeah, he loses interest. He and DiCaprio are alike in that way. All right. I heard Freddy Krueger's big sugar daddy, his main employer,

keeping him in business, Clinton Foundation. It's for that adrenochrome. It's the Krueger adrenochrome pipeline. Adrenochrome. Can we start a band that's called that? Oh, shit. Stop doing this. Adrenochrome.

Yes. I just want a shirt. All right. Next round, based off of everybody's passions here. Wait, so it's two people dead? What's that? Two kills so far? Yeah, yeah.

Each round it's... Double kill. There we go. There we go. Thank you. All right. Who wins in a fist fight to the death? The Zodiac Killer or Fat Mike from No Effects?

Ha. Hmm. Similar exercise regimen. Yeah. Well, that we know of. I mean, I'm assuming the Zodiac Killer is Ted Cruz. But you can choose your own since we don't officially know. And it may be multiple people.

So is it all of the Zodiac Killers? Just thinking about Fat Mike, he's usually wearing a durable leather kilt. It's not the kind of garment that's going to tangle on something when you're trying to escape a murderer. Does Fat Mike have drugs? If he has cocaine, then he's got the mushroom with Mario. It's like Popeye, yeah. How would he lure the boys into the van or whatever the fuck? Nobody knows because we don't know who it is.

Wasn't there one survivor? Or am I thinking of someone else? You're thinking of Dahmer had one survivor. Okay. All we know is he's 5'10". He wears combat boots and a bag on his head and he loves puzzles. Now, if Tom was the Zodiac Killer, that's a different question. Which we don't know.

We don't know. It could be me or Ted Cruz or Bill Nye the Science Guy. I would love to see you beat the shit out of Ben. I would love Tom to just fucking hamburger me in his face. I think I probably have to go the Zodiac Killer. This is for being mean to Smelly. Because ultimately what you've described is you've put together all these scenarios that are theoretically fascinating

and then removed any of the accessories that would make them interesting. So it's just two guys in a fist fight, one of whom is fat and one of whom I've never seen. But just having seen Fat Mike in the last 72 hours, I'm definitely picking the other guy. Like, that's...

Well, I think Zodiac Killer's thinking murder. He goes, murder, pitchfork. You know, I'll get a hoe or I'll hit him with something, you know, like Fat Mike. Where's the fucking, where's the ketamine? He ODs before the fight even happens. The Zodiac Killer hides, too. Like, nobody knows who he is. So he would probably just be creeping around and observing Fat Mike until he took some sort of drug nap, and then it's all over.

There we go. Okay. So we're all saying Fat Mike? No, I think we're going Zodiac. Oh, well, Zodiac. Okay. All right, well, let's start mixing it up. Paige, give me a...

Pick a number between 1 and 15. 12. 12. Okay, that's just another fist fight. Okay, all right. Eight. Eight? All right, eight.

Okay, who wins in a game of chess, P.T. Barnum or John Wayne Gacy? Ooh. Who wins in a game of chess, P.T. Barnum or John Wayne Gacy? Well, John Wayne Gacy did the cover art for the documentary about Gigi Allen, which means he probably likes Gigi Allen, which means he's probably stupid. So I picked the other guy. I mean. Purely record store nerd deduction here.

I was waiting to be like, this is a dead end, and then you just plowed through the wall like Jim Jones. I know one thing about John Wayne Gacyacy and it allows me to dismiss him completely. That was some hipster Scooby-Doo shit. Yeah, I mean, from what I know about... Side two of songs on fucking track nine. Fish fry. From what I know about Gacy,

he kind of stumble-bumbled his way into a life of crime where he hid people in his own house, which was going to get discovered eventually. He pulled kids all from the same town, or young men, I should say, from the same town. So people were going to notice they went missing eventually. I don't think he's that smart.

Whereas P.T. Barnum is kind of an evil genius. He's also dumb in his own way, but I would say Whereas P.T. Barnum is kind of an evil genius. He's also dumb in his own way, but I would say probably P.T. Barnum. Also, here's why I'm voting for P.T. Barnum, because the Bugs Life character is based off him, and that guy was smart. There you go. Which Bugs Life character?

P.T. Flea. Oh, that makes sense. Who runs a circus? What do you want? Bugs Life dot wiki? It's like not a pun. It's like the space where a pun would go. Yeah, you're right. It should be P. Flea Barnum. You are 100% better right now.

Or Flea T. Barnum. Anything. Or Flea T. Barnum. Like I said, it's so bad that it stuck in my head. Paige, let's get into 20-minute fight about which one it should be. I was like eight years old when this movie came out, and even I went, this is soft. I'm with you.

Fleety Barnum is funnier. I love Hopper, that bad motherfucker, the grasshopper. Anybody versus Hopper from A Bug's Life, over. Hopper's got you. Do you know who does the voice of that grasshopper? Who? Kevin Spacey. Yes!

I love Kevin Spacey. I love Kevin Spacey. Claire. Love Kevin Spacey. Hate Japan. Bring me some more boy pussy, Claire. Need more intelligence about Waco. I want to fuck the Star Trek boy again, Claire. Oh, Jesus Christ. He was good on that Star Trek show.

So we're all saying BG Bartle. Check out Anthony Rapp on the first season of Star Trek Discovery. Don't give him a plug. Not the second. Not any of the other stuff they did.T. Barnum. Check out Anthony Rapp on the first season of Star Trek Discovery. Don't give him a plug. Not the second, not any of the other stuff they did, but the first season. I will say playing chess feels like something like an evil motherfucker would do while they waited for like the bearded woman to bring him his money. You know what I mean? So I'm going P.T. Barnum on this one.

I feel like pimps would play chess and I feel like he's very similar to a pimp. That's true. He's pimping out fucking acrobats and fucking elephants and shit. So we all agree P.T. Barnum. Yeah. He's truly the American Hann pimp. That's true. He's pimping out fucking acrobats and fucking elephants and shit. So we all agree, P.T. Barnum. Yeah. He's truly the American Hannibal. Okay. Damn, elephant pimp

is a job that I want immediately. There's a gorilla pimp. You know what that is? It's a pimp that keeps his women subservient with violence and drug addiction. Oh. All right. I want to generate another.

The more you pimp. Okay. Slap myself in the balls. Who wins in a sniper battle in the desert? Jeffrey Dahmer or Gordon Ramsay? Good thing it wasn't cooking, really. Maybe the randomizer was the wrong joke. You may be correct there.

Maybe I overthought that element. These are now just weird threads on 4chan's slash K weapons board. Fuck the sniper. Yeah, yeah. All right. They are now... If the Grimace had a TAR assault rifle,

do you think he could take out the Hamburglar with the noob tube and the Desert Eagle sidearm? Let's change it. They're in a commercial kitchen. Okay. But what is... Fight to the death. the Hamburglar with the new tube and the Desert Eagle sidearm. Let's change it. They're in a commercial kitchen. Okay. But what is... Fight to the death.

Knives. Oh, Gordon Ramsay. He's in better shape than Dahmer was. I bet he knows where the biggest, sharpest knife is intuitively in a kitchen. It's right next to the pretentious scalping knife. Although, what if... I don't know how cannibalism works,

but what if Jeffrey Dahmer ate a buff dude and it was like Kirby rules? Would you just get the powers of whoever you hate? He just ate a line cook on the way. Here's what he does. Now I'm Mexican! He has a kebab of all the different powers. He turns black if he eats a black guy.

He eats a strong guy. He nibbles one of the different pieces. It's like his utility belt. He eats a piece of an Asian guy and now he knows karate. I know Kung Fu. Yeah, exactly. It's like the Matrix. Oh, man.

That butterfly kick was bloody awful. What are you, a murderer sandwich? Holding two just like severed butt cheeks next to his head. Your key eye lacked fortitude. I think though, all things considered, without mysticism, I would go Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay? Although he is kind of fake TV jacked, whereas like... He is.

He's also nice in person, which is... Yeah. I almost feel like he'd try to talk him down. Jeffrey Dahmer is like the kind of like, like you learn how to take a punch of your gay in Milwaukee in the 70s. So like, yeah, I'm sticking to Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay? Yeah, I think Gordon Ramsay, like rich people just have access to health.

Like they can literally eat a pill called health every day. That's $5,000 that you'll never have. Yeah. Also, if you're cooking every day, it is heavy. You do get strong. Like, when I worked for a cookware company, I was stronger than I'd been in years. But he doesn't really do this, so he just kind of yells at other people to do it. He has his own restaurants and develops recipes and stuff, though. So he's still cooking regularly.

So Gordon Ramsay. Fair enough. All right. Let's do the next one. The next one is Ted Bundy versus Darby Crash. And fuck it, let's make this one a hot dog eating contest. Well, Darby was secretly gay, so he's probably down to have some

hot dogs. Unhinge that jaw and get it done. Yeah. I feel like Bundy would seduce him, right? Like, immediately. Yeah, they wouldn't even get to the hot dog. They would eat the hot dog like Lady and the Tramp and kiss in the middle. I think if they both found each other, they'd both

be alive and wouldn't have done some of the bad stuff. I think they'd actually end up with beautiful couple Tom holding hands. Like, you'd be Republicans in sweaters right now. I'm glad we toned down the devil stuff. Me too, John Paul. He's calling him his birth name. Because Bundy was air quotes straight,

but he utilized sexuality just to get what he wanted. So, like, it would be anything. So he would absolutely get Darby crashing to a van. Oh yeah. Yeah, Ted Bundy all the way. I think I'm going Bundy here as well. It wouldn't be hard. He'd be like, you got a van? Yeah. Could I sleep and maybe shit there? Cool.

Should I crash in your van? Darby crashing your van. So Ted Bundy for the win. Next one. Who wins in a fight to the death in a swimming pool? Jason Voorhees or Squirtle? Squirtle. Who's Jason Voorhees? Jason Voorhees is most notable for not being a strong swimmer.

Yes. He lived in the lake. He did not live in the lake. He missed a very crucial part of that film. I thought he just lived in the lake. It's not the story of a man whose mom was so mad because he was so alive. And moved to the lake. You know how you get reincarnated as a

vengeful ghost spirit after you're alive? Yeah. Yeah, but he's he lives in the lake after he's brought back. No, he's chained down into the lake to try and keep him from coming back and then a girl brings him back with her mind. Those movies are fucking stupid, dude. I only saw the first one.

I thought he just lived in the lake. No. No, and he does eventually... No, you're making him ducks. Yeah. Dude, I saw a duck dick. That thing's upsetting. Oh, the corkscrew?

Tom watched it and thought he was inside the balloon. Oh, yeah, the corkscrew duck dick is no joke. It's real, real troubling. I knew about it, but I'd never seen it. C corkscrew duck dick is no joke. It's real, real troubling. I knew about it, but I'd never seen it. Corkscrew duck dick. Corkscrew. Okay, so Jason Voorhees, some kind of horror movie guy, versus a literal creature that evolved to fight in water.

Because you thought he lived in a lake. I thought that Voorhees lived in a lake. Next round, who's better at flying, a bird or several rocks? Well, the rocks could stop the bird from flying. There's more of a conversation there. It's Squirtle. It's Squirtle and it's not close.

Does Jason have his machete? Is it inflatable? Because I don't see how it's going to help him otherwise. I like the idea. I was like, we could be having turtle soup tonight if Squirtle ain't careful. But no, it's Squirtle. He's got the hockey mask on and he's getting blasted like the fucking Montgomery, Alabama civil rights protest.

All right, we're all saying Squirtle then. They're sending out the dogs on Voorhees. Good. Next one. You crop out one picture wide from the Selma march. Just get him off the side. I'm not like all bad. Squirtle wearing a fucking old-timey cop hat going...

Let's make this one... I got a badge. This one's the sniper battle now. We got David Crashman taken down by the Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco versus Joe Camel. Who's winning that one? One last Koresh again. I mean, Joe Camel has the money and resources

to have paid off enough people to take Koresh out and make it look like a cult raid. Okay, that's true. Now, on the other hand, he is a camel. He is a camel. He's a camel who's also kind of a guy. He's a walking, talking camel. He's got three humps full of poop on his back.

He walks around like all normal. Like, what's up, ladies? In a suit, you know? Like he's the Don Draper of camels. That would be Keith. If it's a sniper off, I think he's way more relaxed. Because he has sweet nicotine rolling through his system. And I think being relaxed is going to help you focus.

But he's a man. He might see the camel's toes and get horny. Interesting. That is a possibility. The life of a sniper is many months away from a woman's touch. I've seen some camels. I've never looked at the foot and just been like, I'm one of God's horniest creatures.

And even I have my limits. No, I'm going Joe Camel on this. I think, again, much like Jason Voorhees, really known for losing a swimming competition, David Koresh kind of known for losing a gunfight. That's true. Whereas Joe Camel, undeterminate record. I don't know what his hands look like.

I know Joe Camel was never killed by a sniper, and he was a camel, meaning he was presumably in the Middle East, and he was popular in the 90s during the Gulf War. So if he survived whatever we were doing. But does he have thumbs? Could he fire a gun? meaning he was presumably in the Middle East and he was popular in the 90s during the Gulf War. So if he survived whatever we were doing. But does he have thumbs? Could he fire a gun? You don't need a thumb to pull the trigger.

All right. Now, as a camel, I would be completely able to act as a Mitsubishi Mirage for several terrorists through 120 degree heat for many miles. Now this is a great amount of fortitude compared to the brittleness and the fragility of a human being. So a creature

that had any semblance of the camel's DNA, really, would have the strength, durability, and endurance of a camel. What, Spider-Man doesn't have the proportional strength of a wasp? What point are you making?

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm saying he would be super fucking strong. He's got camel DNA. So you can shoot the gun really hard? It's a sniper battle. But what if he just gets a hump? It's just made of hump. He's like, yeah, you know, I could lose a hump.

I'm rooting for Joe Camel. I'm on your side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all voted for Joe Camel. Yeah. Joe Camel wins. You didn't fucking vote in the primary. You didn't do it when I was listening.

All right. Next round. Okay. Who's winning in an episode of Chopped? We have the first. God, if only Jeffrey Dahmer and Gordon Rips were. It's Jason Voorhees and Squirrel. It's Jim Jones versus Freddy Krueger.

Who's got it? Oh. Oh, okay. So, like, I bet Jim Jones knows how to fry the shit out of some chicken. He is Southern. He is Southern, and he had food banks. Yeah. Yeah, he's definitely, like, banging someone out and done the keys.

And let me make you my stuffed French toast. Yeah. You know what? I've never gotten a complaint. Especially the way you how politely you banged me out before you made me the toast.

I was at the zoo earlier and I saw a camel's foot. Long story short, drop them like it's hot, McSpad. You don't know the isolation of sniper. You don't know the life. You're dumb. You don't know the life. You're not on the forums like I am. You're not reading Soldier of Fortune.

Wait, is this something that's actually on the Reddit forums? I'm so concerned for our country. I'm just being ridiculous. Okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool. All right, yeah, no, it's Chopped, and it's Freddy Krueger, and it's Jim Jones. I'm going Jim Jones 100%. Jim Jones 100%?

You know, well, does Freddy still have his powers, or does he have the glove? He could really fucking dice some shit up. He could mise en place like a motherfucker with that glove. Good pull. I don't know what that means. That sounds like a can of cement, but sure, he has the glove. Mise en place. Mise en place, Mise en place.

Everything in its place. Is that Jar Jar Binks? Oh, man. Jar Jar Binks versus Freddy Krueger. I'm going to go Freddy Krueger on this one because I think he brings his prep time down, which gives him time to use the ice cream machine, which is where everyone fails on time. Okay. All right.

So we're tied up 1-1. Connor? I think that Jim Jones knows like five recipes really good. And Freddie is kind of a loner who kills babies from what I understand. So they both bring something important to a cooking

competition on basic table. He knows how to trust real good. When you lay out the tail of the tape like that, it really... I don't think he's entertaining much. I don't think he has potlucks or dinner parties. You gotta watch Dream Warriors where he gets real entertaining. The only thing I know he's cooked is his own face by accident. Definitely, a couple times.

And even that motherfucker's burnt. I mean, he lives in a boiler room, so he's always got access to an oven. I just know the little Camille Nanjani joke. You know how you cook in the boiler room? Hey, when you got it. Who are you going with, Conrad? The non-Freddy choice.

Jim Jones. Jim Jones. Jim Jones is moving on. Quick pause so I can switch the SD card. Sure. Yeah. And now, Dracula violates a court-mandated restraining order.

What? I can't go to my own fucking house anymore? Tramp! Tramp! At least I'm sucking blood, not cock! Hey, neighborhood, watch out! There's a big old whore that lives here! Big old whore next door! Just thought you should know!

Fuck! Dabura! You fucking bitch! Dabura! Let me in! Send my kids! Freaking dick! That was Dracula Violates a Court-Mandated Restraining Order. All right. We're continuing now.

The next competition, in a fencing match, who wins, the Zodiac Killer or P.T. Barnum? What do they know about building fences? I meant like sword fighting fencing. I know. Okay, this is... Okay, P.T. Barnum versus... The Zodiac Killer. Zodiac Killer's 5'10".

How tall is P.T. Barnum? This is now a matter of, like, numbers, arm length, shit like that. If Bugs Life is to be believed, he's like... He's using a toothpick. I actually don't know how tall he is. It's super cute. Where'd they find a jacket that small? Shit, okay. I actually don't know how to tell you. It's super cute. Where'd they find a jacket that small? Shit.

Okay. I mean, all right. I have my pick, and it's very flimsy logic. P.T. Barnum is a circus man. If I told you I was a circus man, would you agree? P.T. Barnum is a circus dog. Oh, agree? Petey Fleece. God damn it. Fleety Barnum is a circus dog. Oh, yeah.

We have an episode titled Fleety Barnum. I kind of like the stepdad button. Oh, shit. That's pretty good. Petey Barnum is a circus man. Uh-huh. E-I-E-I-O. I'm trying to remember this goddamn point.

So he's around sword swallowers and whatnot. There are bladed weapons afoot. I was thinking the same, yes. The Zodiac Killer, gun-based murderer. And hammer. And hammer. Neither of those are swords. Yeah, they had a few sword swallowers in the B-52s, but I still think they're all right.

I feel like a hammer is the gun of swords, where it's kind of cheating. It hits too hard. I actually can't remember if he actually killed someone with a hammer, or that was a joke in the movie The Zodiac. I think he was all gun. Yeah. You might know better than I would. No, from what I understand, all gun, because I thought the hammer was a joke in the movie The Zodiac? I think he was all gun. You might know better than I would. No, from what I understand, all gun

because I thought the hammer was a joke as well. Yeah. And crossword puzzles. That's part of why in my head The Zodiac Killer was never as scary as like a Jeffrey Dahmer or a Gacy. I'm like, something about killing a guy with a gun is like, I don't know, cops just do that. You know what I mean?

It'd be like if I could drag and drop Keith into the trash. You never watch a horror movie that's like the Texas guy with a gun massacre. You know what I mean? It's just kind of like, yeah. He's, I believe, a process killer, not a product killer, which means the act of the killing is what excites him, not having the body after. So Dahmer's like a product killer.

He's killing to get the body. You've seen this product coming in. I'm glad his process excited him. It didn't excite me. I don't find just shooting people that exciting. I feel like people get way more creative with it. Of course you prefer the one that eats. Oh, come on, Tom.

I think if anything, the fact that the Mean Boys podcast is encouraging people that shooting people is bad is probably good. I like the sword swallower logic, even though those would be fake swords. But fencing is also fake swords. You guys are both going PT Barnum? Yeah. I'm more of a product masturbator than a process masturbator. I'm interested in accumulating my own semen, collecting it. As you'll see from this jar.

Great. Yeah, this is the old batch. You have a camelback full of jizz? I'm smoking this batch, and this one I'm aging like kombucha. It's spelled different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it. Fun, fun. You get it. Fun, fun.

I got you. I'm voting for the serial killer. Okay. P.T. Barnum wins and moves on to the next round. Next round. All right. Gordon Ramsay versus Ted Bundy. Okay.

Who wins in a spelling bee? Oh, this is tricky because Gordon Ramsay versus Ted Bundy. Okay. Who wins in a spelling bee? Oh, this is tricky because Gordon Ramsay is British. So is it an American spelling bee or a British spelling bee? This game is played in America. It's America. USA. USA. Then Ted Bundy wins because Gordon Ramsay would be putting yous everywhere.

I dare you. Ted Bundy would just be putting you in the trunk of the car. Which doesn't impact his spelling Fucking chop you up and chunk you in the boot What? What is it? That's what they call the trunk That's what they call the trunk? Yeah, I'm going Bundy on this

Alright, we got two for Bundy Connor, you got any opinions you want to share with the class? Bundy Nade for Bundy. Connor you got any opinions you want to share with the class? Bundy. Nado. Bundy. Alright. Next round we got Squirtle versus Joe Camel.

Okay. Cause already we got magic. Are ground types weak to water types? You know what? Let's just make this a fight to the death cause I types weak to water types? Oh, shit. You know what? Let's just make this a fight to the death, because I think that's more fun than what I drew. Joe Camel, 100%.

Joe Camel's seen some shit. Joe Camel has seen some shit. But Squirtle's got the shell, man. Yeah, Joe Camel has Switchblade vibes. Squirtle also doesn't smoke. I stand by that. First of all, we don't know that. Maybe we'll show it on the show.

He's Asian, so... You know, if you've been to Japan and China, they love smoking. It's like squatting next to a bus somewhere, smoking an unfiltered Lucky. Fuck it. No, here's my thing. I've always believed that any human could kill any Pokemon.

Okay. That's the thing I believe. It's like, oh, it's a scary animal. You think you could kill a Lapras when it's fucking treating you like Martin Luther King with a water hose? Your fat ass is fucking careening backwards like you're in a jackass sequel. Every water type Pokemon hated civil rights. I mean, that's those optics.

Squirtle, Squirtle, Subtitles, not in my backyard. Squirtle, no. Squirtle, no. Squirtle, use Jim Crow laws. They're very effective. Very effective. No, I truly believe that any human can kill any smaller Pokemon.

Joe Camel is, for being a camel, effectively a human. He wears shoes. And a suit. There's a lot of Pokemon that wear shoes. He's wearing the shoes

so that you can't ogle his feet. First of all, that's a good point, but I'm gonna, anyway, the shoes are part of it. And if you feet. First of all, that's a good point. But I'm going to anyway. The shoes are part of it. And if you tell me I can't put shoes on, mine is through mine. Yeah, how many Pokemon wear shoes?

I mean, you just mentioned one. Yeah, but you said most of them. Gardevoir. Maybe not most, but a lot. Hitmo-chan. He doesn't wear shoes. Yeah, he does. No.

Oh, no. I'm thinking about... Hitmonlee. Yeah. Yeah, you fuck. Hitmonchan sucks. He's a boxer. Or she. Oh, he's got gloves thinking about... Hitmonlee? Yeah. Yeah, you fuck. Hitmonchan sucks. He's a boxer. Or she.

Oh, he's got gloves. And he has little clothes. I don't like any Pokemon with an outfit. I think that most Pokemon could beat you up. I have a lot of very strong Pokemon. I'm with Keith on this. I feel like any human could beat any Pokemon. That's why we're their coaches.

I feel the same way about Pokemon that I do about dogs in general, which is that they shouldn't have to wear clothes and I could kill them with my feet if I had to. I mean, I don't love that second part, but I do think it's mostly true. I'm not seeking it out. I'm just saying if the shit went down and it was me or the Corgi, later fucker. I'll stomp you like a fucking grape

Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur taller than me. Any Pokemon taller than me? Who knows? But Squirtles are little cats. Wait, Bulbasaur is taller than you? than me. Any Pokemon taller than me, who knows? But Squirtle's a little bit. Wait, Bulbasaur's taller than you? Bulbasaur's five, six? Probably, honestly. No, I'm thinking of the big one, Venusaur.

Venusaur. Yeah. You got that big flower. Keith would be like, oh no, a giant salad's coming to kill me. Is the flower on Venusaur like an afro for them? Does it count as height or is it just hair? The vines are dreads.

No, yeah, Joe Campbell will fucking curb job squirtle. We got one for Campbell? Dude, I just figured out what I am, my whole vibe. Two words. You guys are going to be so excited. Gay Charmeleon. Gay Charmeleon. I'm torn

because I feel like in some ways this is a perfect contrast. You've got Joe Camel, human-like who wears shoes, but he's still a camel. He's from the desert. And then you've got Squirtle, no shoes. Water is like his main weapon. Like, would that really hurt a camel, or would he just get more powerful because he was finally hydrated?

Yeah. His humps just started growing. Just growing and growing. I think Joe Camel. All it's going to do is put a cigarette out and piss him off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's ready to stomp with his weird shoes. You tried to annex flavor country, and now you will answer to the steel-toed boot of Joe Camel.

Joe Camel wins, but Connor, any other opinions? I think after one of the world's slipperiest displays of martial combat, a sweating and bedraggled, soaked to the bone, Joe Camel and his trusty switch will run red with the blood of the

Squirtle. Yeah. Okay. Alright, we're in our semi-finals now. Alright. This has been a Alright. We're in our semi finals now. Alright. Alright. This has been a journey. Only 10 more rounds, guys. We got three more battles. Alright. 15 more weeks of this Battle Royale

season. Tune in every week. Alright. Who wins in a game of one on one basketball? Jim Jones or P.T. Bartle? Oh, Jim Jones. Yeah. Jim Jones. Is he super tall? They had a basketball team. Oh, you don't know about this.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You have to tell him. Yes! Okay. Tom, you just stumbled into one of the best stories I can't believe you've never heard. Okay. So, first of all, Jim Jones was incredibly good at basketball in general, in part because

he used to play basketball with the, communities they would serve in indianapolis a bunch of other places but once jonestown established their actual commune in guyana they actually had a traveling basketball team and so they sent that traveling basketball team to go play in the united states while the visit from the congressman was happening and they hadn't planned a suicide or massacre murder that week but the congressman visiting precipitated that so the basketball team which included some of Jim Jones's sons was still on tour in the United States they are the main survivors of Jonestown like There are other people that still survived at the actual event. But most of the survivors

are just a basketball team? A whole basketball team. Yeah. Wow. And of teenagers and all of their parents for the most part passed away. They were kids. Yeah. It's messed up. Okay. But yeah, so just so you know, Jim Jones was just fucking slay at basketball.

The Manson family mathletes, due to a stroke of luck. And even weirder, you know who was on that basketball team? Air Bud. No one says a dog can't drink Kool-Aid. All right, so yeah, we got Jim Jones in the finals. PT Barnum can't hoop for shit. His kid could. He was kind of tall.

All right. P.T. Davidson? Fuck yourself to death. Who's winning in a lightsaber duel? Ted Bundy or Joe Camel? Joe Camel is on a fucking run. I was not expecting Joe Camel to make it this far. Joe Camel is on a fucking run. I was not expecting Joe Camel to make it this far. I mean, what is a lightsaber? Joe Camel is fucking...

What is a lightsaber of another sci-fi cigarette? Yes. Yeah, so this is Joe Camel versus who? Ted Bonney. Joe is fucking... Joe Camel is tall as shit. So I think he's got got a reach advantage on him. He also looks like all the weird Jedi.

And again, I'm like... You're going to sever a hump at best. You'll have one hump with the weird lightsaber wound. And he'll get a robot hump. I don't like Ted Bundy in a fight where he's facing off against a man one-on-one. You know what I mean?

Ted Bundy was a conniving guy. He wasn't like a physical imposing fighter. Are they still in a ranch? Can he go hide in the barn? I mean, you can't really hide anywhere from a lightsaber. It's a pretty solvable problem. Their head lightsaber.

Everyone becomes the Kool-Aid man at that point. Joe Camel carving the circle through the wall of an old barn. I like to imagine he still looks like Joe Camel, but he's just making horrifying camel noises. We forgot that we forgot about one of the we forgot about one of Joe Camel

I've never heard him speak. Spitting out pieces of fucking squirtle. That bunny's just like, fuck, kills himself. The fuck is that? I'd rather face God himself than that camel. Is it like a cloak, too? Just like a Sith Lord? I fucking love it.

What if you killed Joe Campbell and he just turns into a puff of smoke? Like a nicotine Obi-Wan Kenobi. Why does it smell like menthol? That's so good. We're forgetting about one of Joe Campbell's fucking canonical abilities that he has in combat is he has a projectile attack.

You know, some characters in Smash Bros. have a projectile. They're more competitive. The spitting. He can fucking spit in Ted Bundy's face and blind that motherfucker with one hock to him. That's true. Ted Bundy's dead.

Yeah, Ted Bundy's fine. Joe Campbell is. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. We did it, Joe. Hell yeah. All right, your finals. Jim Jones versus Joe Campbell. Why?

This is the greatest games in the world. Two characters I did not expect to make it past the first round. What are the parameters? Who wins in a roast battle, Jim Jones or Joe Campbell? I feel we might have just fucked Joe Campbell over. Although, then again, it's not uncommon for an incoherent moron with incredible style and swag. You're saying that Joe Campbell's going to be the lowest digits?

I'm just kneeling. I'm imagining what? Who could it be? It's shaped like a fucking camel. There's a cigarette coming out of it. He has decoys coming through. Those definitely aren't animals. That's a fucking llama. of it he has decoys coming through like those definitely

aren't him that's a fucking wabba that's not him I'm just imagining Moses breaking up going yeah he's never done

this before he's seven and nine he's from Anchorage Alaska Jim Zebra he's seven foot four from the plains of the Serengeti I mean shit because jim johns he could

throw down bars yes bars but joe camel has like spuds mckinsey cartoon charisma he's the logo for a product i'm not gonna argue with you because i would watch this but this is kind of like anytime anyone who like is a serious joke writer battles digits and it can go either way because like sometimes people get mad and frustrated and digits just fucking wins. Yeah. It's more like you drank cool AIDS fucker.

You're fucking gay. Yeah I got three fucking humps I got them in your mom's butt last night I mean this is the problem again it is the digit swag as soon as you said it we all knew the right answer was Jim Jones but none of us want

that to be the case we all want Joe Campbell to win which is oh I voted digits many a time I have a great question I have

this is a genuine question because I want to actually answer the question where is what city is the roast battle we're doing it in the belly room

in the belly room Joe Campbell Joe Campbell 100% 100% now if it's New York Jim Jones yeah yeah no it's it's in the belly room. In the belly room. Joe Camel. Joe Camel, 100%. 100%. Now, if it's New York, Jim Jones. Yeah. No, it's in the belly room. Joe Camel's a little ethnic for that.

Which makes the second winner of the Battle Royale. Give it up for Joe Camel. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. He joins the Tournament of Champions with just a blind Brock Lesnar. Wait, is that a one lesson? A blind Brock Lesnar. I don't remember that at all. And Joe Camel.

Well, thank you for Battle Royale, everybody. We've got the canon of Joe Camel down now. We know what his abilities are. We know his strength. And his terrifying scream. When I built this, I was like, what dumb character is going to take over this entire thing? You thought it was going to be Kool-Aid Man, didn't you?

I thought it was going to be Kool-Aid Man, yeah. My man had us in the Camel Clutch. There's not one person you named in the whole thing who I would have taken against Joe Camel. I mean, maybe, maybe. The closest was Squirtle. Maybe Jim Jones. Like, that is the matchup we deserve.

Honestly, it would be a great fight. It would be a great fight. I'd zip my jacket and now I was wearing a Joe Camel shirt. Just changed it during the break. Oh, fuck. Well, we will be right back. Whew. And now, Dracula commits suicide. Fuck you, Deborah! Deborah!

That was Dracula Commits Suicide. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. It's time to play a brand new oh real quick i just want to point out uh jordan just texted during the joke off and said uh about the joker folly i do joke you said that like you were gagging on dick more like hawk fucking two fuck you okay continue sorry uh we're gonna play a brand new game i've been excited about i've fucking tour. Fuck you. Okay, continue. Sorry. We're going to play a brand new game I've been excited about. I've wanted to try it for a while. It's time for Joke Boggle. Are you ready for another

tournament? I hate your boggle tournaments. It's because you get great instead of prizes. Thank you. Y'all ready for this? I enjoyed your joke. Hey, I'm sorry I sat down and made a jingle, guys. I appreciate it.

For the first time in ten years. That was great. The Boggle Tournament. All right, so the basic premise here is that... Watch the king of the hill in a K-hole. Nicole Buchanan, a roommate of mine in front of the show, has written us some prompts... Hi, Nicole.

...for us to write jokes on. This is going to be like a in front of the show, has written us some prompts for us to write jokes on. This is going to be like a random roll of the dice. We're going to rip open one of these prompts, and we will all have a set amount of time to write jokes about it. And then we're going to read them, and we're going to see who can come up with the most original jokes. We've gone over the tedious rules off air, but let's just get into this and play, huh? This will be fun. We're going to use Keith's little jingly maid as the timer here just to keep it simple

because that's about one minute. And is everybody ready? Yeah. So you're going to read the prompt and then when the jingle starts we have one minute to write. Yes. And it's just as many jokes as we can in the one minute?

As many jokes as you can. As many original jokes. Okay. Okay. Prompt number one ghosts okay let's go Thank you. This went poorly for me so far. I'm going to tell you. That is so much more stressful than I expected it to be. Yeah, it's extremely tough.

I don't know if it'll get easier with more words or harder. Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know. Let's see how we did, gang. The first one I started writing, I finished, but I do not think this is a joke. I've got a ghost in my house. The only thing he's haunting is the bag of Milano cookies I got for myself.

I don't think it's a joke either, but I like it. It's not a joke, but it is a Kathy comic show. If you say it like Indy Dick, does it automatically make it a joke? Yeah, is the ghost of some show that got canceled that used to be on After Friends? What do you guys think? Is that a joke? Not a joke.

I don't do it again. Not a joke. I don't. I don't. Do it again. Not a joke. Because you knew how much voice you had to try to put on that to sell it as a joke. Yes. Yes, I did. I'm voting for your conscience, which is that it's not a joke. I bought a bottle of Tom's own tiny governor sauce.

You got the extra spicy. My sauce is better. Okay. So the second one, what do ghosts use on their phones? I said app orations. That's a joke. That's a joke. That is a joke.

Spooky jokes for teens. They love their cell phones. I realized way too fucking late. I could have just been ripping spooky jokes. Got the jokes the whole time. What ghost is chicken? The poultry geist. Good. That's a joke.

Alright. Con man's got two points. Tommy Goss. I'm next. Okay. Ghost be shopping. Vampires are all like, stop using my credit cards but ghost be shopping. That's a... Not a joke. No, but I really like it.

Not a joke. Technically not a joke. No, but I really like it. Not a joke. Technically not a sentence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, fine. Also, I didn't know ghosts and vampires hung out. So, okay. Okay, all right. Okay, fine, Keith.

All right. Are we writing ghost jokes? Because I want to boo Keith's. That's a joke. That's a joke. Yeah, and then I didn't finish this next one. It was just like, ghosts are like onions. They don't like Shrek.

Unclear canonically. Delightful, but not a joke. Wait, no, hang on. Because Shrek 4D, the fucking Universal Studios attraction, the plot is that the ghost of Lord Farquaad attacks Shrek. So technically, that is canonically true. That is a joke. That is points, yeah.

All right, that's two points for Tom. Why am I helping you? Most reluctant Sharpie stroke of my life. All right. Did you hear the one about the ghost who lied? He was full of sheet. I have heard that before. But I'm not going to challenge it because I like it anyway.

I haven't heard it. I liked it. Two ghosts walk into a bar. The bartender says, oh, fuck fuck, ghosts are real and kills himself. Three ghosts walk out of a bar. Yes, yes. Fucking Keith. Sorry, I'm funny.

I feel like neither of these... You should be glad I'm mad at you. That means you're good. I know, I'm leaning into it. I feel like neither of these are good. My brain immediately short-circuited the second the timer started. Halloween's right around the corner,

and I'm excited to celebrate by not returning anyone's texts. More ghost in the meta sense. Chris Christopherson died this week, proof that no matter what Toby Keith said in life, his ghost colors do run. I think those both count. It's fine if they don't. His ghost colors do run. I think those both count.

It's fine if they don't. The first one, I got to say, the prompt was ghost, not ghost. It could be the verb ghost. I just say entendre. I'm inclined to give her a point on that one. The second one doesn't really hold together for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so Paige has got one point.

I'll take one, yes. Okay, you want to keep going? Yes. Sure, yeah. The second one was just putting references together. I know, I was like, ah, ah, ah. You Dennis Miller'd it. You were just like, ah, ah, ah. Listen, cha-cha.

These ghosts are scarier than tax day for a... Do we want to keep it a minute? A minute is kind of fun. It's really hectic. It's fucking horrifying. Let's go. They give you three minutes in Boggle, but I'm like, I don't know.

We're better than Boggle. We're better than Boggle. We're better than Boggle. I feel like the faster it is, the more you like and panic, right? And I think three minutes is almost too long because you like panic, panic, panic. And you're like, oh, no, wait. Well, three minutes is enough time to try to write a good joke. Which I don't like. Am I going to open this and read it?

Keith's going to read it. All right. The next prompt is. Prompts. Our prompts. So these three words. And you can combine them, but do you have to use all three? No.

Okay. Okay. Pool noodles, diddy, and dogecoin. Oh, just perfect time. Jesus Christ. No, I bombed the shit out of this one. Pencils down, Tommy. Pencils down. Pencils down.

Hang on. Let me cheat. Let me cheat at the game. Stop cheating. I'm texting somebody. No, you're not. No, you aren't. I'm looking at your phone. Stop cheating. Stop texting somebody. No, you're not. No, you aren't. I'm looking at your phone.

You're on camera. I don't believe you. All right. I'll start again. This is my game. I'll be under the bullet. Okay, guys. I heard Puff Daddy did some sketchy sex shit, but did he?

Okay. That's a joke. That's a joke. All right. Why are all pool noodles al dente? I hate that. Did I like that? That's a way better version

of what a baseball is. Reluctantly a joke. All right. I heard Diddy is into crypto. I guess he's trying to doge the charges. I'm kind of... Okay, I got bad news. I got bad news for you, Connor.

I don't know if this is too close. You hear Diddy is into crypto? Yeah, thank God for the girls who doged getting raped by him. That's the same joke. That's the same joke. Neither of us get points for that. Oh, I'm sorry. Those are both great.

Dan, that was my combo joke. Yeah. And I got one more. Doge coin? More like my combo joke. Yeah. And I got one more. Doge coin? More like douche coin. Not a joke. All right. So the only other one I wrote is,

I call Diddy's defense a pool noodle because it won't actually keep him afloat. Hey! That's two points, right? Yeah. And then we have the same one for the other one. Yeah. So no.

But I definitely didn't cheat. All right. Diddy has so much lube. I like that you cheated so I could not get a point. I wrote the first one first. Diddy has so much lube he could fit a whole pool noodle up his ass. Did we count it? I mean, that's a lot.

Oh, did you get lube? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's part of the whole story. Puff Daddy, more like Stuff Daddy. What do Dogecoin and Puff Daddy have in common? We should send them to the moon. Dogecoin to the moon, that's a thing.

Is it a thing? I don't know. Like we should exile him to the moon? Yeah, that's the plan. He's not fit for Earth. Is it to the moon about hitting your wife? Yeah, you're thinking of the honeymooners, but it's been said more than once.

Dogecoin to the moon was like... Where they were like diamond-shifting it. Yeah, I'm not fighting for this joke. If it's a thing, I don't know it. I don't know about it. I'll take the X on this one. I'm not proud of it. I'm a thumbs down on that one, but barely.

I think it is technically a joke. Yeah. All right. Push the button. There we go. I wanted to feel it. All right. I spent most of this time panicking about how to make a Diddy Crossing the Road reference

that didn't work out. Oh, no. So I ended up with, what's Keith's favorite summer carb? Pool noodles. I at least got one of those. Get out of jail free, Fanny. We should give you an extra point because that one was actually funny. Well, the second I heard pool noodles al dente, I was like, fuck.

We both thought about pasta. YouTube thumbnail, pot destroys kettle. All right, Paige, do you want to announce our next round? Wait, don't we get two points if we connect two things? We do. Did somebody connect you? I did. I did too. I got Diddy and Pool Noodle. Yeah, I had

Diddy and Pool Noodle as well. Okay. We did two easiest connectors. Do you think you ever tried to stick his dick in one? They've got a hole at the end. I tried to stick my dick in one as a kid. How'd that go for you? Not great.

Painful? Yeah, I feel like it'd be scratchy. It's not a comfortable fabric. Yeah. Dog, you tried to fuck a pool noodle? I was nine. And you didn't think to float that by me? It's like you're putting a silencer on your dick.

Yeah. I think I was a little kid. I think at one point I said, extender. You're a little kid. You think at one point I said, extender. You're a little kid. You get your balls in there, too. You just stuff the whole thing. All right. This one is going to be nine prompts.

All right. This is like Cards Against Humanity, but with integrity instead of jokes. Jesus Christ, Nicole. Oh, God. There's nine prompts. Number one, theme parks. So did you say nine fucking prompts? Nine.

Yeah. Uh, theme parks, Koreans. Okay. Buttholes, yodeling, dentures, smutty books, robots, candy necklaces, and tap dancing. Can you run them one more time? Because I'm trying to write them down. Theme parks, Koreans, buttholes, yodeling, dentures, smutty books, robots, candy necklaces, and tap dancing. Okay. Let's go.

Perfect. Jesus Christ, that's not a lot of time. Yeah. Fuck, I can't even type that fast. Okay. Fuck. Okay, I'm exhausted after this. First one.

I'm trying to get around the theme park, and the crowd is tighter than a Korean's butthole. Yeah, you just said the words. Yeah. I had to call my psychiatrist because I keep having dreams where my teeth fall out. But then I remembered I wear dentures. Oh, man, the bottle of tiny governor's sauce. Fuck all of you.

I'm going to be really mean. Went to the porn store and I saw a horny book about yodeling. Yodeling? Who the fuck is that for? I don't allow that. I'd allow it. Eat my turds with fucking rebellious curds.

Okay. What do old people call anal beads? Dentures. Is it? Yeah, because when they eat it, it gets all stuck. You don't eat anal beads. Also, dentures don't come apart beans. Well, it also dentures it and comes apart.

All right, that's fair. What do you call a fast pass at a Korean theme park? I don't know. Kim Park Zoom. I like it. That's all I got. It rhymes with Kim Jong-un. Okay.

Yeah, I like that a lot. Two points for Tom. Yeah. Theme park and yeah. Okay. Korea. All right, first one. Are Koreans buttholes sideways?

It's just a question. It's like the eyes thing. It's not good. It's racist. Yeah, it's an evocative shitty sentence. Yes. Correct. I want old people to have candy necklaces made of their meds so they can eat them with

their dentures. That's not a joke, son. It's close. That's closer than Connors. I would argue it's a joke. I would say the dentures part is maybe a fake add-on, but the first part is a joke. Say it again. It's like a candy necklace, but it's made of their meds.

That's not a joke. That's a colorful idea. It's a million dollar idea is what it is. Monetize it. Yeah, alright. Fine. Here's one that combines four of them. I'm a no vote. Anyone an up vote on that? I'm neutral. I could I think there's an argument either way.

Yeah. I'm not going to fight. I got four in this next show. Okay, there we go. Good for you. I want to write a smutty book about a theme park called Jisneyland. There's a quote from the book. She took Mickey's dick in her butthole so deep they could hear her yodeling from the Matterhorn. That's full points.

It's full points. Wow. Good job, sir. Is that two or how many? That's four. That's four. Four. Fuck.

Four. Fuck you, you fat fuck. Fat fucking fuck. Well, now that you have four points... I'm sorry. I'm better at the game you made all the pretty envelopes for. I think Nicole made the pretty envelopes. Why do I ever fucking do anything for this show?

Why do I care? I guess for the fans, but... Oh, Robots was on there? Yeah, Robots was on there. I know. It's like just trying to keep all the words. Yeah, I'm totally spaced on Robots. Oh, yeah.

There were so many words I had to just throw out the fucking window immediately. No, and because you now have the most points, I don't feel bad about this. What do buttholes and theme parks have in common? Keith's always sniffing around somewhere. What did I do? That's two points. Thank you. Enough for me to be solidly last, but that's fine.

Yeah, let's take a look at the score here before we get into the final rounds. Who hasn't read one yet? I have not. This one's going to be for Tommy Goss. Paige is sitting pretty with four points. Tom Oh, Connor coming in third with five. is sitting pretty with four points. Tom.

Oh, Connor, coming in third with five. It's between Tom and Keith. Tom with six and Keith with nine. Two great bogglers. Only one will be winner. Okay. We are at 5%. Things Connor is horny for. How many words is this?

That's your car knock. One. Oh, one word. Okay. Final round. Big Juicy Jugs. Fuck. It's the last round. Pencil's down, Tom.

I don't have a pencil. A little integrity here would be nice. Okay. Let's see. This game is who can tap the... I know. Hey, guys, I'm thinking about becoming a vet. Ooh, tell us about it.

But I'm only interested in working on sweater puppies. That's a point. That's a point. That's a point. I like it. I would have given it two points if you were wearing sunglasses in Panama by Van Halen. I will accept that. Man, you ever notice a girl with some D cups be the same girl getting a D in class? Like the cup size is the same as the grade and shit?

That was a little bit I used to do in 2013. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Alright. Okay, number seven for the con man. Tommy Gus. Oh, I love big juicy... Take two. I love big juicy jugs.

Tits are also pretty great. But I'm mostly into the juice of jugs. Alright, that actually now it's gone to me. That's a joke. That is a joke. Don't you love it when jugs are clapping around?

Finally, something that makes me thirsty while I produce liquid from my dick. That's not a joke, son. We went on a very long journey, but I got lost after that. That's fine. All right. The liquid's coming out of my penis

and not the jugs. But the jugs are there to catch it? No, the jugs are making me thirsty while I'm producing a thirst quencher out of my wang. Just watching Keith go, we're at 3% on the camera and we're talking about this? Big Juicy Jugs would be a good name for a dairy-themed strip club.

That's yes. That's great. And I want to show you that me and Connor have very similar instincts. Man, you ever think a baby's been sucking on some Big Jugs and been like, bitch, I wanted apple juice. Damn it. All right, they say that a woman's Big Ju juicy jugs are approximately the same size as her brain. But if that was true, I'd be doing better at this game.

Paige slides in the last place. Thank you. Thank you. Well, scores here. Paige Weldon, five. Me and Tom tied up at second place with seven. And Keith Carey taking home the dub with 11 points. Paige Weldon got five points just by not being on the show.

I'm glad she was here to take the loss, frankly. Did I say Paige Weldon? Fuck. God damn it, I'm sorry. UW pages. I know, we really should have discussed it and chosen different names. No, but thanks to our guest, Wesley Snipes. Thank you. Motherfuckers

always be writing jokes uphill. Yeah. You guys want to try to wrap here or are we going to do mailbag? No, let's just wrap it. Yeah. We'll do it. Unless you guys really want to hit mailbag,

but I figure we can do it. No, this was a long episode. Paige, where can the people find you? You can find me on Instagram at Rampage Wesley, also on TikTok, or on Twitter. Thank you.

On Twitter at Paige Wesley. Instagram at Keith Tells Jokes. Follow all the Mean Boys shit. Just go in the fucking link tree. Everything is there. Me,, at Paige Wesley. Instagram, at Keith Tells Jokes. Follow all the Mean Boys shit. Just go on the fucking link tree. Everything is there. Me, Tom, and Keith. Everything you could ever want to see from us is on the link tree. Only thing I'll plug is people should watch our roast battle.

Fucking, it was a lot of fun. It's coming out next week, I think. I thought it was coming out. Ah, well, it does matter. Oh, this is coming out. Perfect. It'll be out. Great.

Cool. All right, well, I've got. Oh, this is coming out. Perfect. It'll be out. Great. Cool. All right, well, I gotta have a talk with Keith after the show. All right, fuck everything. God is dead. Adios.

What?