Mean Boys - EP 234 - Gassed & Juicy (ft. Pat Barker)

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Eat my turds and hurtful words. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... The Spuds McKenzie of Japanese snake tequila. Roast Battle Commissioner, one of our favorite people in the world, fucking Pat Barker is on the show.

What's up, man? I'm so excited to be back. This is my first Mean Boys since the original run. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, we forgot to call you last year when we did this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My phone went stunningly silent.

But he's better known to Japanese drunks as Stumbling American Happy Man from the label of your favorite booze. Yeah, you were our top 13 afterthoughts to have on this run, so I'm glad you could be here. Yeah, you were in contention. It was really close. We always say when Kyle Clark says no twice, that's when you bring in the big guy.

You know what's so funny? In the last run, I think I was a last-minute Kyle Clark replacement on my last episode. You were just like the perfect, you always have been the perfect pinch hitter, because it's like, no matter, we can tell you to do the show in 30 seconds, and you will show up and be funnier than 90% of the people on Earth. Well, thank you. That's a good reframe.

Yeah. Well, yeah, usually I think we've only been on one studio episode together because usually you filled in for me when I couldn't do it. That's right. Yeah, it was the original Tom fill-in. And, yeah, I mean, way back, I feel like I was on one of the first maybe like 20 episodes.

And, like, you guys have come a long way, which is sad considering where you're at. I know. So I was making fun of our – I know, and you're still driving down to do it for free. You're driving further to do a way less popular version of this show. Yeah, for the love of the game. Someone was making fun of our setup, and I saw you interacting with them, and I wanted to chime in and be like,

this is the nicest we've ever looked by, I don't know, 10 million miles. There's no ants on the table. Every other recording setup looked like we were cutting up deals, like Xanax money we'd made from community college. It was sketchy as fuck. This is nice for us. Yeah, every other studio we've had has looked like the cold open of a Breaking Bad episode where shit's about to go down.

Yes, exactly. But to me, Pat isn't even a comedian anymore, and I'm not saying that to cast any aspersions on you. I think of you exclusively, and you are to me now, a fatherhood influencer. Thank you.

I look to the Pat Barker Instagram feed for a glimmer of hope in a dark world. Well, yeah, it's after a certain point, you're like, I can't keep posting flyers about shows I'm doing with eight people because that looks sad, but if I talk about some shit my kid did, people will think I'm still successful in some way.

Yeah, you got to pivot. You're successful emotionally, which is way more successful than any other Mean Boys guest has ever been. You figured out something most comedians haven't. You and Toby Miroshanu, that's it. The rest of it. Which is to look like you had a kid on purpose. Now, most comedians don't do that.

Most comedians are like, who? But you're like, I love this thing. We love you, Jamar Neighbors. No, we spent a lot of money to have that kid, so I better get every mile out of it that I can. Keith used to call it a science baby. That's the most on-purpose

ass child that's ever been born. Very deliberate. Mike Lawrence is angry somewhere. Love you, Mike. But yeah but yeah no it's fucking it's i think the last time you were on the show you didn't even have a kid right or was he a baby i don't i don't know it's it's been a while yeah um you know and he's he's seven now which speaks to the longevity of the mean boys and the the demand for your product yeah that we've been on air for like three months of those seven years. Well, it's like, yeah, we managed to do like four and a half years

in ten years when you really think about it. But I have a lot of old podcasts that if I brought them back tomorrow, not one person would remember or give a shit. And some of them were on the Bad Audio Network. I didn't know you had the one at the time. Yeah, no, nobody did. That's why they went away.

Boom, roasted. You brought up the Bad Audio Network when we sat down, and it just felt like somebody going, hey, remember when you got molested? The one memory I really try to wipe out of my brain. Hey, like it or not, and this is not exactly a compliment what I'm about to tell you,

but it is something, a label you're stuck with for life. You are a Mean Boys favorite. People that like this show like when you're on it. I got a place here, Pat. You're always welcome. I appreciate it. That means a lot. You guys have some really cool,

loyal, and smart fans. That's awesome. That means a lot. That has been my favorite thing about it. When I meet people that are into it, I'm like, oh, I could talk to you for five minutes. To be fair, other things that are Mean Boys favorites include Tom and becoming trans. So write yourself wherever you think you belong on that hierarchy.

Yeah, I was about to say, if you take a deep dive and maybe realize this dude thing isn't all you thought it was, you would be number one, clearly. Mom of the year. In a newspaper. Pat Barker, trans would be number one. Clearly. Mom of the year. Pat Barker, trans dad. There's your sitcom. Patricia Barker. The bravest roast battler of all time.

Tucking his way to the top. We're fired up. We're gassed. We're juicy. Do you want to get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. I hate when I do the talk up patter because I say things like We're gassed. We're juicy. Do you want to get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. I hate when I do the talk-up patter because I say things like, we're gassed. Yeah, well, if I'm gassed and juicy, let's fucking... Everybody. Let's do it, brother.

I've been some sort of public speaker. Gassed and juicy, baby. Recording professional for over a decade. Yeah. That's still the best I can do on the spot. He makes fun of me whenever I do the intros and outros, and he came up with gassed and juicy. You know what? I am gassed.

I stand by my juice content. You know what? I saw the look of panic. This is like when you catch your kid smoking cigarettes, you're like, why don't you go host the whole Cardinus show? See how you like it. I just sense the moment of panic where I didn't have a good riff for trans pat, and I just stopped, and you're like,

okay, we're gassed and juicy, let's do the other thing. My doctor told me to cut out trans pats. Fuck off. All right, gang, the National Forest Service is losing 2,400 jobs. Now, if you want to hear a bunch of high school dropouts sawing logs, you need to have a sleepover with Keith Carey and Tom Goss.

That's your actual snoring, Tom. From Nashville. Was that in Nashville? Hilarious. Sounds like the ocean. Want to hear that again? That's soothing. I could fall asleep to that. It's a pretty good brown noise. This is what you hear if you put your ear up to a conch shell outside of

an unemployment office. This is what you hear if you hold your ear up to a guy with a outside of an unemployment office. What you hear if you hold your ear up to a guy with a Led Zeppelin t-shirt's ass. That sounds like the Babadook coming. I can hear my dreams for the future being swept out to sea. As Boba Fett heard the Sarlacc breathing. It's digestive juices

eating its way through his Mandalorian armor. He said, oh god, it's so gassy and juicy. That legit could be in the trailer for a horror movie. This summer. Tom Goss is unwell.

When Avelia meets Disturbia. In a world where this ride to Fresno is gonna be annoying. One man will not wake up until we're like three minutes away. One man. No, no. Two men.

One room. One night. Zero oxygen. Okay. Okay. Apnea by 824. A man was sentenced to 45 years in prison for hiding a massive stash of fentanyl in a daycare center. Authorities became suspicious when nap time lasted for three days at a time they pulled this fucking i saw the picture

from the story they pulled this like trunk out from under like adora the explorer like play mat and it was just all the drugs in the world and i'm like this guy had the sickest setup until he got caught this was so funny until it wasn't yeah Yeah, because you know one guy, at least a few guys came to buy heroin and were like, this is pretty funny. Oh yeah, they appreciated the irony. They're drug addicts, not idiots. McDonald's has had an E. coli outbreak,

promoting them to change their slogan to ba-da-da-da-da, I'm eating shit. I like the way you pronounce E. coli. E. way he pronounced E. coli. E. coli. E. coli. It sounds like a Russian child.

My brother, E. coli, he was thinking about this now. E. coli, why you eating the poop? Why this is not the Russian accent? You are so stinky, E. coli. I know there's been like a player in the NHL that spelled his name that way and that's what you based that off of. No, there's

not enough Z's and K's in that word to be right up. Okay. The Los Angeles Clippers' new arena features The Wall, a section of the most diehard Clippers superfans. In order to sit there, you must be chosen after a lengthy vetting process and pay tens of thousands of dollars,

making it the only wall in Southern California that's effectively keeping Mexicans out. Are the Clippers getting their own arena? Yeah, they debuted in it last night. Really? Yeah, I didn't either. The one in Englewood, right? What false currency is their arena based on?

The U.S. dollar. Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Federal Reserve. It's not a good sign for that team's popularity that they built a whole stadium in a city I currently live in, and I was fully unaware. Inglewood. Yeah. You live in Inglewood? No, but I live in L.A.

Oh, all right, yeah. The listening audience doesn't know what Inglewood is. Yeah, no, that's a great point. People that live in Long Beach still identify as living in Los Angeles. It's part of L.A. You live in Los Angeles County. Okay. It's like saying I live in L.A. if I live in Long Beach to identify as living in Los Angeles. It's part of LA. You live in Los Angeles County. Okay. It's like saying

I live in LA if I live in Northridge. Englewood's part of LA. Yeah. Englewood is part of LA. Long Beach is part of LA. He's an Angels fan.

He's doing the Angels thing. The Long Beach of Los Angeles Keith Carey. The Los Angeles Keith Carey of Long Beach. The Long Beach Keith Carey is of Long Beach Keith Carey of Orange County.

Of E.C.O.I. Yeah, of E.C.O.I. E.C.O.I., E.C.O.I., E.C.O.I., E.C.O.I. This is a juicy and gassy riff. I declare this riff juicy. All right, let's try this one. The head of music for Twitch was killed in a car accident. First responders at the scene noted that she was so committed to Twitch,

she even did it for a few seconds after she died. I'm doing the don't have a head challenge. That's not Twitch, that's the other one. We're so with it. Is this what you want, children of the internet? I'm glad we got cameras so we have fucking hours of proof of us being old. Donald Trump

worked a shift as a fry cook at a McDonald's. In a related story, the grimace has been sexually assaulted. Alright, Donald Trump pretended to work at a McDonald's. He faked a lot of smiles, but it was clearly more of a grimace. Oh, man. I wrote this week's

quickly. That video of him doing the McDonald's thing is kind of awesome because it kind of... How did I not see this? Do I live on Earth? Oh, yeah. He did like... Connor, that's all I wrote about this week. He did like one of those things a normal politician would do where it's like, I'm going to go be an everyman

and pretend to work a shift or whatever. But he just looks like delighted and mentally handicapped. I put the French fries in the bag and then you get the bag and you're not Mexican so you can have a milkshake. You know how George Bush started painting after he got out of the presidency? Sure. That's Donald Trump's painting. He loves McDonald's. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

He would be happier. It wouldn't be a job to him. Every fact about him loves McDonald's. That's what I was going to say. He would be happier. It wouldn't be a job to him. Every fact about him involves McDonald's. He's a nerd. He's like, I can give myself more than two pumps of chocolate syrup. They only give you two pumps, but I give myself three pumps. I can have as many pumps as I want.

I'm a pumping little bumper. It goes, him, McDonald's, his kids, in terms of things that he loves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, McDonald's, myself again in terms of things that he loves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, McDonald's, myself again. The Grimace, Eric. I'm a pumper. Well, I also

didn't spend a lot of time on these, so let's get into it. The Los Angeles Clippers new arena features The Wall, a section of the most diehard Clippers superfans. For the fans, it represents a raucous interactive experience and for The Wall, it's a triumphant return to sports after serving a 20-year suspension for the brutal murder of Dale Earnhardt.

I like that one a lot. Thank you. I'll be honest, I got lost in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of words. Dale Earnhardt. I mean, so did he. He turned right when he was supposed to turn left. Oh, did he die? I thought he had like a grill or something. That's George Foreman.

No, that's a boxer. You're talking about a racer. Dale Earnhardt was the racer who crashed into the wall and died. Oh. He had a grill, like the grill of a car wedged in his face at some point. Oh, yes. I was right. The joke was like Pan's Labyrinth.

I struggled to follow it, but I enjoyed its aesthetic conceit. Thank you. A lot of people enjoy that movie, so I take that as a compliment. Are you going to do a Pink Floyd reference? Because I like Pink Floyd. I don't like Dale Earnhardt. Give me one second.

You guys go. All right. Well, while Pat's cooking up that gem, a 31-year-old Irish man was found smoking a cigarette by rescuers after falling 650 feet off a volcano. The man told first responders, Hey, you do a two-hour podcast with Fifi Dosh and then tell me you don't want to jump off a fucking volcano. I saw that story.

I know we joke a lot. You'll see a story about the local idiot attacked by bears and be like, Oh, it's about Tom or whatever. That is the most Tom shit I've ever read. Smoking a cigarette inside a volcano? Yeah. I fell like 400 feet, but I was fine or whatever. Yeah. I just saw the headline of 31-year-old Irishman smoking a cigarette,

and I was like, did they have a camera there? What did I do? You said that like the saddest Def Jam comedian. I almost be dying. I be dying sometimes. Not quite, though. Jeff Capes. 51-50.

51-50. My man loves cheating death. Motherfucker, I hate being alive. Shit. Jeff Capes, a British athlete known as the, quote, strongest man alive, has passed away. In a statement, the Grim Reaper said, oh, yeah, because he's very strong and he beat up the strong guy. I thought you were going to play a sound effect. I didn't hit the button hard enough.

I was too weak to fucking press a button that does my job for me. Can we get Connor some milk to give him the bone density to hurt my feelings? Can I have some almonds so I can call Keith gay? All those fucking nuts

oh this this is this is gonna go well um donald trump pretended to work at a mcdonald's upon lighting up the grill he said you're fired that is fuck you get out then his campaign manager was heard Firing a gunshot in resignation Get out You're fired Like a grill Yeah like a grill

Once again Tom set up Barry's Tom Punchline What Well you're fired was funnier than the whole rest of the joke Yeah Well you guys didn't laugh, so I continued it. If they're going to laugh, I would like, cool, easy cooking. I laughed at you. Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.

The search is underway for a woman who fell overboard on a Taylor Swift-themed cruise. When reached for comment, the local cemetery said, we've got a blank space, baby, where we'll dig your grave. I was going to sing, and then I bailed at the last second. I felt it. I thought you pulled the ripcord on that. What, you don't feel welcome and safe here to express yourself with song, Patrick? And then I was like, if you stumble on a word, and sing, and bomb.

I can't think of a shittier place in the world than the Taylor Swift cruise. Oh, my God. You know what? I'm going to sing my punchlines. That way you guys know where they are. Well, let's all try to be a little bit more welcoming to Pat. A man fell from a third-story food court at Trump Cater...

Push the crickets. Oh good, that was worth it. I didn't know there was going to be a whole Push the crickets. Oh, good. That was worth it. I didn't know there was going to be a whole upload process. Yeah, not so easy, is it? Apparently not. No. It makes it look very difficult.

So, a man. A man. There was a man. There was a man, all right. One time. Where was he? Well, I'll tell you where he wasn't. Up.

Because he fell. You got this, buddy. A church leader was charged with abusing children in Washtenaw County. More like washed to hell. Now, get that gay shit out of here, baby fucker. County. Wait, do that voice and say you're fired. See if my punchline works with the voice.

You're fired. Yeah, that was my problem. I don't like this show. I want to do something else with my life. I want to join the forestry service. My cousin's in there. He can give you... Well, I wouldn't recommend you,

so he can't do anything for you. Why wouldn't you recommend me? Huh? Why wouldn't you recommend me? That's a great question. Because it's a lot of manual labor. What? I can press a cricket button. You didn't have the strength to press the cricket button earlier. Come on.

That was one. I cannot think of anything in the world you're less qualified to be than a fucking woodsman, dude. Bro, I'm so outdoorsy. I cannot think of anything in the world you're less qualified to be than a fucking woodsman, dude. Bro, I'm so outdoorsy. I went outdoors just four or five days ago. If you picked up an axe, your fucking spine would collapse like when a safe lands on Sylvester the Cat. And he's all... That one time this happened, and it was a sledgehammer.

Fucking accordion boned one time. All right, you're about to get accordion boned when I bend your fat ass over if you don't shut your mouth. Play you like Weird Al Yankovic. Sassy piece of shit. Don't rape the polka out of me. A Disney World employee was arrested for masturbating in his car on company property,

said the narrator from The Haunted Mansion. Is that man's penis actually stretching, or is it your imagination? That's not a joke, son. Yes, it is. You don't know things. Alright, let's switch it up, guys.

Trump was seen working at a fryer at a McDonald's. When asked if he was making french fries, he said, no, this is how I tan my human suit then licked the salt out of his pupil-less eyes pupil-less is a good word is it real though?

I think pupil hyphen list is what you're going for any word's real if you say them with confidence but I like saying to a woman your eyes are so pupil-less so full of yeah so mine ecstasy, Connor. Sometimes I'm bummed

that only the liberals get called lizard people and, like, they should all be lizard people. Define they. It's really important that you define they. I'm politicians. Okay. Oh, did you... Oh, you anti-Semite piece of shit. Jesus, Keith. Yeah.

Get out of your house. Taking it there. Me and my big foreskin. I didn't approve of you. I said I didn't approve either. Of your anti-Semitic... What are you talking about? Just whatever.

Why the fuck are you forgetting? Everyone's... Wow. Okay. We're bookable. Yeah. All right. Get ready to hit one of these buttons

pat's like which button sends me home uh jennifer lopez passionately urged her fans to quote get your ass out and vote now remember you still have plenty of time to vote it's just that for j-lo getting her ass out to do anything is a much more arduous and time-consuming process you gotta run a forklift there. You gotta call the zoning board. Dude, I felt like a J-Lo's ass joke in 2024. I did not feel good about myself writing that. I thought there's only

one program so despicable and lazy that I could pull off such a hack, awful, shitty punchline. Well, I originally wrote that joke in 2016, the last time I was on the podcast, and I just went back in the notes and pulled it up. I think I'm going to close with the Grimace joke again. Like the comedy's trash can.

That's called foreshadowing. A man fell from the Third Story food court at Trump Tower in a scene described by witnesses as the opening credits of Mad Men but for fat people. I like that your theme was falling this week.

Did I have a lot of falling? I guess I did. You did have a lot of falling. It's getting back up that becomes the problem. A Walmart employee was trapped and cooked alive in a walk-in oven. He was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced medium rare.

McDonald's burgers have E. coli in them. If you want a different salty, fatty, and substanceless source of mass that may or may not have a hair in it, go ahead and lick Pat Barker's forehead. Yeah, you're a source of mass, you fucking bitch. You carbon-based slut.

Don't say that while I'm in the room with it. Source of masks. I got lost on E. coli again. E. coli, E. coli, E. coli. I miss all the descriptions about my forehead. Fatty, salty, sweaty source of... Masks. That may or may not have a hair in it.

Yeah, no, I like... You could have just said masks, and it would have made sense as a sentence. No, you got to add the words, baby. More words, more joke. That's just comedy 101. What's that old comedy saying? Brevity is for fags.

Add more words. Well, if you guys like words, I got good news for you. Here we go. Hell yeah, dog. A body found in the Montana woods that was originally thought to be the victim of a bear attack

was actually the subject of a brutal homicide. The initial confusion came from the wounds that were consistent with bear claws and the fact that the real killer walked off with the victim's picnic basket. That's where I landed after an hour of doing a black bear, got blamed incorrectly, and trying to come up with a bear Emmett Till pun. It ruined my entire morning. Emmett the Till. Emmett the Till. God damn it. All right, let me start over.

He didn't actually touch your body, got blamed for it. Boo-boo, God told me to skin you alive. Well, he was whistling at a polar bear So Oh my god Oh fuck Rest in peace That bear

Yeah the bear Well I think that was a fitting eulogy Mean Boys will be right back Right after this. Been running all my life Around the world I roam Now I'm back in the town where I was born Feel like a stranger in my home This town feels different now

Full of faces I ain't ever seen The dance hall where we met Our heart in now It's a spirit Halloween Spirit Halloween Spirit Halloween Spirit Halloween Built on the abandoned

lot where our love used to be Spirit Halloween Oh Spirit Halloween They tore the heart right out of this city and they put up a spirit Halloween. I can still remember the summer we fell in love.

You had eyes like diamonds, girl, and a voice like an angel from above I was a no good tramp baby But you, oh honey You were a beauty queen But baby I seen you on the corner Just the other day Now you're a spirit Halloween Spirit Halloween Spirit Halloween Halloween spirit Halloween spirit Halloween

Like literally this girl became a building I'm not speaking metaphorically spirit Halloween She's a spirit Halloween I don't understand exactly what's happening But it's scaring the shit out of me Went down to the house where my parents live Walked in the door and I said, hey what gives? A hundred spooky skeletons crammed in my room. My dad's trying to sell me a hock to a costume.

Tried to run, but didn't get far. I fell to my knees. The spirit of the spirit Halloween, baby, overtook me like a disease. My flesh and bone became chocolate and stone, the most horrific thing I'd ever seen. I'm no longer a man, I have no name, I am spirit Halloween. Spirit Halloween! Spirit Halloween! We are Spirit Halloween! Swarming the land and consuming the void

and eating the Earth's bones clean. Spirit Halloween! Kneel to Spirit Halloween. We will eat mankind and have God for dessert, but we'll sell you a fog machine. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Play a game of one of our favorite games.

Game, game. We're gassed. We're juicy. Shut up. Fuck you. It's which of the following? Gas and juice. Juice.

Our round of which... Why can I not fucking do this today? You're good. I don't know. You're always shitting on me. I think you're doing great, buddy. I know, and I hate it. I think you're so good. You're always shitting on me. I think you're doing great, buddy. I know, and I hate it. I think you're so good.

Because I love shitting on you, but I hate getting it back at me as it turns out. I know. It's almost like you're trying to get everyone to not pay attention to how you do things. Yeah, I'm very aware of what I'm doing. Nobody's like, what is that smoke screen? It's so I can get away.

Yeah, yeah. It's only... What are you doing? What is Connor doing? I'm sending Keith positive energy. Move your fucking phalanges. Today's round... Stop it.

I'm sending you HIV positive energy. Fuck you. It's which of the following? Pat's from Philly, so it's all Philly related. You gotta stop doing that. Well, now it's negative energy, fucker. It's hilarious that this is the thing that's affecting you. Now I'm casting a spell.

I like how you guys got one camera and Connor's like, I can do visual bits now. God forbid somebody. The rules of the game are the name of the game. I'm going to read you four things from a category. You tell me which one is made up, which one. The other three are real. Round number one. Which of the following is not illegal in Pennsylvania?

A, riding a horse backwards. B, catching a fish with your bare hands c fortune telling for profit or d necrophilia not which is not one of those is not illegal well maybe they just never got around to writing up a necrophilia law you know that seems like one of those laws where they're a shit we forgot to even we just, we just kind of assumed. It's like at the end of the meeting notes every time. It's if we have a minute at the end, we'll get to it. Yeah, yeah. I could see them being like, well, you know, we gotta be, we gotta have more freedom than

New York somehow, you know, so just we gotta show them who's better, you know? Oh, they got the liberty, but we got the bodies. Yeah, you got pizza, but we have, you know, corpse pussy. Yeah, so I could see that being real, that being legal. I think the horse thing is illegal because that seems like the kind of batshit moronic thing

that they would think to do in Philadelphia. They got a lot of Amish. Like, well, we can't read. Well, I guess we can try to ride the horse backwards. I could see the Amish. But horses actually, I don't think they can run backwards. I think riding a horse backwards at that point, that's like PlayStation 2. That's like fucking, you're playing with devil territory.

That's the Amish version of being in the Harlem Globetrotters. Holy shit. That's our greatest athlete. That's like the 1600s version of you can't drive your car in reverse to the grocery store. Yeah. Yeah. It's exactly that. What were the other two?

I pontificated on the first two. Catching a fish with your bare hands or fortune telling for profit? I mean, what is even the, oh, there's a guy out there catching fish with his bare hands, cheating the tackle man. You know, like, so? I mean, there's a guy out there catching fish with his bare hands, cheating the tackle man. You know, like, so? I mean, he's an entrepreneur. Yeah, but you got to remember, Pennsylvania is, like, really fucking old,

so they could for sure be like, the trickle-down economics from this lure is important. I think it's the fortune-telling. Okay. I think that's legal. Pennsylvania is really old, so they probably believe in this kind of economics that they came up with in 1980.

Ancient trickle-down economics from 1980. Are you thinking of Salem, Massachusetts? No, that was in Massachusetts, but didn't they also burn some people? To the best of my knowledge, they never burned witches, and there was never a Philly witch burning?

I don't know. They're just Cowboys fans. That was called just regular domestic violence. It wasn't like a whole festival. It's magic. She got a fucking period. They burn the dinner. We burn them.

It seems like a fair policy. Africa black eye. Yeah, Philly didn't need to have their whole Coachella about it, Salem, you know. I think it's legal to get your fortune told for profit. I'm going to go with

that number, letter. It's not illegal. You're saying, like... Pick one of these things is legal. Is legal? Yeah. It's a weirdly phrased question.

Do you know? No, but i'm developing theories i'll go after connor i'm gonna say catch a fish with your bare hand just on the ground that that's the one that should be a law the least yeah riding the horse ain't like that ain't safe you know i forget what the other two were but there was something about burning women i'm pro that here's the thing i feel like necrophilia should be like a federal law i don't think we should leave that up to the states that's my official stance but you know typical big government i remember my dad when he wanted to uh buy cigarettes he would drive down to delaware

to buy a carton because it's tax-free in delaware okay and he would buy like five cartons at a time i'm trying to think if anybody drove into Philly specifically to fuck dead bodies. I don't remember exactly. But like that seems like something that could happen. I thought they just called them townies. It's like how they have like the casino right at the state line when you get in Nevada. It's exactly that. Yeah, just like a dead body brothel.

Uncle Gino's frosty brothel. There you go. The only thing I know about the horses. Don't eat them out. Your tongue will get stuck. The haunted playpen. Come on down to the caucus pit. At the Super Bowl parade,

people were eating the horse shit from the police horses. That doesn't help me with this. What do you mean rice? That's a famous thing. Do you not know about that? I didn't know about that. With their mouths? To support the Eagles. I don't understand. that. Eating it how? With their mouths? What do you mean, how? To support the Eagles.

The Eagles won the Super Bowl. I don't understand. What's the confusion here? I guess I just am not a sports fan, I suppose. It's a Philly thing. You wouldn't get it. Yeah, you wouldn't be fucking gay if you don't eat turds when the boys bring home the fucking gold.

You gotta get cheese whips on the horse shit. That's the secret. They don't do it here. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna go with riding the horse backwards. The correct answer, A, riding a horse backwards. God damn. Well, you can do that?

Yeah, I can. If the horse can do it, you can do it. Number two, which of the following is not a notable figure in Philadelphia crime history? A, Marie Ngo, a woman who murdered eight of her own children over a 20-year span. B, Herman and Paul Petrillo, two mobsters who teamed up with Italian witches to poison people. C, Ira Einhorn, an environmentalist who co-founded Earth Day and murdered his girlfriend. Or D, Dave Schultz, a mentally handicapped man who killed four people with a hammer in the 70s. Oh, that guy rules.

What's the question? Which of these is not a real criminal in Philly history? Oh, well, the Earth Day guy is definitely real because whoever came up with Earth Gay... Earth Gay! Happy Earth Gay, everybody! We have to, right now, we have to build a time machine for Connor to go back in time, yell at the parade, more like Earth Gay, then get back in the time

machine and not help anyone. What? Out of the way, baby Hitler, I gotta call this guy gay. Oh. Yeah, I don guy gay. No. Yeah. I don't know. Okay.

We can always go back and murder toddler Hitler. I don't know why it's always baby. Why would you want him to have more mobility? Huh? I can murder a toddler. Why are you being weird about it? I want him to kind of know what's happening. Okay.

I want to murder, like, 12-year-old Hitler, because that's when, like. I want to murder like 12-year-old Hitler because that's when like, I don't know, 12-year-olds are all annoying. So I'd feel the least guilty about it. No, that's why you murder art school is Hitler, the most annoying version of him. This is like Hitler when he was like a Jordan Peterson guy, but in 1923. What was he trying

to do if not clean the world's room? Yeah. I think it is what was b uh b was uh two italian mobsters i think it's b they teamed up with italian witches to poison people yeah i think it's b i think philly you guys don't like italians right uh we love them see this is why we don't respect you. Where do we get our hoagies? Yeah, okay. They make our cuisine. I've had the cuisine. It's cheese. It should not be called cuisine.

You're thinking of Mexicans. We love Italians. I like breaking it down like this. The dwarven man brings us gold and metals from the earth. And the Itals provide us with hot molten cheese. Tell me of your whop cheddars. Regale me with tales of your stupid meats. Rich with salt and folly.

All right, here's my thing on this. D caught my attention because you said his name was Dave Schultz and he beat people with a hammer, right? That's correct. Now, in the 70s, on the flyers, there was a famous hockey player named Dave Schultz and his nickname was The Hammer. Now, one of two things happened. Either he got his name very colorfully from a murderer or you're just getting a little

bit creative on this. I'm going to go with the latter. I'm going to say D. You know what's funny? That's pretty good reasoning and I went with B because you said you didn't know anything about witches in Philadelphia just a second ago, but Pat might have out-thunk me here. Thunk? Yeah.

That's a word. Don't make it feel bad for saying real words. He finally got to use a real word. Now you're going to be bossy about real words, Mr. fucking gas time joke? I mean, gas and juicy are both actually English words. Yeah,

but it's not. Thunk is the sound of a coconut hitting where your brain should be. Well, my cousin, you should thunk about it. Who to thunk it?

That's a phrase, right? Thank you. I mean, yeah, but it's not. I mean, yeah,

so is the. Yeah, you guys have no problem when I use that. And, oh, God, God with that. All my favorite phrases. And of course, Okay, so you guys have your guesses. I think that,

I don't think mobsters are fucking with witchcraft. Okay, the correct answer is D. Pat got me. I think that I don't think mobsters are fucking with witchcraft. Okay. The correct answer is D. Pat got me. Yeah. No, that fucking look up the Philadelphia poison ring. It's insane. They were like working a murder for hire plot where they were selling love potions to like

these women who are married to people who owe them money and then poisoning them. It's bananas. Damn. Yeah, that's cool. Round number three. One of my favorite bands fear their. Their lead singer is from Philadelphia. Which of the following is not something the punk band Fear did? A. Threw a pumpkin at NBC Vice President Dick Ebersole.

B. Played so loud in a Chinese restaurant that all of the tropical fish in the aquarium died. C. Wrote a holiday song called Christmases for Queers. Or D. Cost $20,000 of damage during a performance on Saturday Night Live? Oh, you've shown me clips about... I think I know, so I'm going to go last. Okay. Well, I'm torn between two. Always hated Fear.

Never... I don't know. I've got a couple of songs you can... Because you feel it when you see your reflection? What, fear? Ha ha ha ha. Yes. Yes, I'm afraid of my own face, and that's why I hate that.

Pumpkin. That riff fucking thunk, dude. Forgive me for trying to fill the dead air. You're not legally allowed to fill the dead air. We've been over this. So you're going pumpkin. What was C again? C was wrote a holiday song

called Christmases for Queers. Oh. Separate of the game it is. But if Pat was just like that's got Philly all over it. Well, I'm quickly running through the track list to the Mariah Carey

Christmas album which are all covers. I'm like, do I? Mariah Carey. I, which are all covers. I'm like, do I? Mariah Carey. I love living in the city. And then perform so loud it killed all the fish at a Chinese restaurant.

Correct. It's actually Christmas is for queers. That's your guess? That's my guess. I'm changing it. Because they have a Christmas song

called Fuck Christmas and why write two Christmas songs if you're, you know what I mean? Mariah Carey wrote a whole album of Christmas songs. Yeah, have a Christmas song called Fuck Christmas, and why write two Christmas songs if you're... You know what I mean? Brian Carey wrote a whole album of Christmas songs. Yeah, but if you're a punk band, why have two ironic Christmas songs?

Because it's punk. He had Christmas songs. I'm going to go with the Chinese restaurant, and here's why. You remember that open mic that used to be in Los Feliz at a Chinese restaurant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure I saw a few comedians do that.

Just kill the fish? Yeah, just like they're so loud and sure I saw a few comedians do that. Just kill the fish? Yeah, just like they're so loud and obnoxious that the fish died. So I think that's where you got that from. I'm going to go B. Fish committing suicide. I've heard of a koi. No, I don't want to hear how dating is hard.

That little brain floating to the top. I've heard of a koi fish, but this was an oi fish. Because he was annoyed? Yeah. I saw, yeah, I'm torn between chinese restaurant and christmas is for queers one i don't know that you can play a stereo loud enough to kill fish but also i feel like christmas is for queers is something that you're writing and i don't know if i imagine that but i thought that that was on your holiday idea so i don't know if I'm fever dreaming or fishing.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. You're going to write that song. I will now. Apparently, Christmas is for queers was the fake one. You're right.

Fuck Christmas was the real one. Oh, with my stupid why I have two Christmas songs argument. Number four, we talked about the eating horse shit earlier. Philly sports fans are insane people. Which of the following is not a real thing a Philadelphia sports fan did?

A. Intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl at a Phillies game. B. Chanted AIDS at Magic Johnson during a Sixers game. C. Threw thousands of wristbands honoring the dead owner of the Flyers at the other team during a game. Or D. After being thrown out of an Eagles playoff game,

punched a police horse in the face. I'm going to go last on this. Can I hear them again? Because I know some of these. Vomited on an 11-year-old girl, chanted AIDS at Magic Johnson, threw wristbands at the other team during a Flyers game, punched a horse in the face. And that chanting thing was

in 2022. It wasn't even Magic Johnson. It was just a different bald black guy who walked in. Yeah. Connor, what are your thoughts? I think that it is C. What was C? C was through the wristbands

honoring the dead owner of the Flyers at the other team. I don't think it's that one. I think it's the 11-year-old girl thing. It's just kind of... The Flyers one's too boring, and the police horse one's too specific. So I think it's that one. People are like, kid.

All right, here's what I know. They don't respect horses' faces out there, okay? I think that's real. We'll eat their shit, but we don't love these hoes. They don't respect women. That girl got puked on. Okay. And then what were the other two?

AIDS and the flyers. They love saying AIDS to people with AIDS. I think it's flyers. You're thinking of doctors, Tom. No, they say it's my favorite part of the job. You've got AIDS.

There literally was a movie called Philadelphia that was entirely was entirely about aids it's kind of our thing yeah i literally forgot about that and it was philadelphia's greatest comedy ever released i like i got i got four letters for you and they're not c u r and e i remember when your city was devastated they took the laugh track out of that movie. Well, that movie's about, like, you know how, like, in real Philly, like, the two cheesesteak places are like, no, you gotta go to Pat's and Gino's.

It's the gay bars competing over where you get the better eggs. And everybody knows it's neither of them. You gotta go to South Street. You gotta cross the bridge, go to Jersey. We had Pat's and Gino's, and we both thought that they were both good. They're fine, dude. It's one of the most obnoxious things about Philly.

Right. Where you're like, those places suck. They're a thousand times better than any other city where you would get a cheesesteak. Oh, yeah. There was also a guy, I forget which one, but he was in the alley just like, you guys want to park? And we're like, yeah. And we parked, and we're like, did that guy work?

Do you remember that? We're like, we don parked and we're like did that guy work you remember that we're like we don't actually know if he works there was nothing signifying that he had any actual responsibility and he just looked like hey ai can you generate a guy you shouldn't trust it was just a white guy with jerry curl wearing mismatched track suit two gold chains yeah yeah when we have the cheesesteaks in philly, kind of it was like, oh, it's like Jersey Mike's, but dirtier. Yeah, that's it. All right.

Number one, I know the guy puked on the girl. His mugshot is hilarious, and he's dead now. Fun fact. Is he dead? Yeah, he was only like in his 20s when he did it, and it was only like 10 years ago, and he's dead now. I don't know how fun that fact is. Is the girl alive? It he's dead now. I don't know how fun that fact is. Is the girl alive?

It's a happy ending. I think it was really polite of us to act surprised by that information. He weaponized his puke like he saw a little girl and horked his finger down his throat and just blasted her. I think the story was he got into an argument with her dad, and he was drunk, and he was like, I know how to handle this. He was intentional. Maybe he was trying to feed her. Oh, no.

I hope his headstone just says, I got that, bitch. Ironically, died of AIDS. Punching a police horse, I'm 99.9% sure is true. I don't even think that's a story for you guys. Yeah, no, that's just what you see. That's what they think petting animals is. The wristband thing, here's why I think it's the Magic Johnson thing. The wristband thing I think you could do,

and it's innocuous enough where it'll never follow us. As a Philly fan, there are certain ones that follow us forever, throwing snowballs at Santa Claus, throwing batteries at J.D. Drew. If we had chanted AIDS at Magic Johnson, I really feel like I would have heard about that during my lifetime. So I'm going to go with that one. Why did they throw batteries? Because they wanted to give him power.

It's like a good way to hurt a guy from like 200 feet away. I didn't know if there's some disrespectful symbolism like his wife was Anita Duracell or something. I don't know. The year before, the Phillies had drafted him. And number one overall. Santa Claus? No.

We threw snowballs at Santa Claus. That sounds like something Philly would do. We threw batteries at J.D. Drew, who was a player we drafted. And he refused to sign with the Phillies. Trading three first round picks. Philadelphia has drafted old Satanic. The record of 0-0-0. Been active for the last 8,000 years.

Fucking correct answer is AIDS at Magic Johnson. Yeah, which is a bummer. I mean, that's a good idea. Well, now that just means that we have time to do it. Exactly. Yeah. You missed the pistachio salesperson at the Phillies games. She used to walk around and everybody knew her.

Cause she had this obnoxious, she was young. She was like 22. She would be like, you can hear all the way across the stadium. And then it came out like four years ago that she was like a super hardcore Nazi. Somebody dug up her shit. And there were all these headlines where they're like,

pistachio woman is a Nazi. Wow. It was perfect. Real fundamentalist nut, huh? Somewhere she's got like a big fucking whiteboard. Step one, sell pistachios to fat rubes. Step two, world domination. The third nuts will rise again.

All right, and last, it's still in the sports realm, but this is a little more specific. Do you guys know who Lenny Dykstra is? No. Yes. Lenny Dykstra is a baseball player. One of the greatest to ever do it. Also a fucking full on like Andy Dick level crazy person.

Yeah. Top 10 most homophobic last names to Dykstra. So which of the following is not an allegedly true story about Philly's legend Lenny Dykstra? So which of the following is not an allegedly true story about Philly's legend Lenny Dykstra? A. Hired housekeepers from Craigslist and showed them his penis. B. Hired a team of private investigators to dig up blackmail material on MLB

umpires. C. Bet and lost his World Series ring on the Kentucky Derby. Or D. Was arrested for making quote terrorist threats and pulling a gun on an Uber driver. Oh, that's recent. Uber driver will be recent. What was A and B

again? A was hiring housekeepers from Craigslist and showing off his dick. Okay. B was hiring private investigators to dig up blackmail material on umpires. I'm saying A just because like this just like first of all, I don't know what housekeeper is advertising on. I guess maybe a lot of them, like this just like first of all i don't know what housekeeper is advertising on i guess maybe a lot of them but this seems like a convoluted way

to show someone your dick when you're rich and famous i think we hired a housekeeper off of craigslist didn't we at pac-pal i never did that shit i just kicked into 25 bucks that well somebody did those mexicans didn't come from nowhere like somebody showed up and cleaned that house um yeah i just it's like weird like why not just like get a hooker from craigslist and tell them Didn't come from nowhere. Like, somebody showed up and cleaned that house. Yeah, I just... It's, like, weird. Like, why not just, like, get a hooker from Craigslist and tell him to dress up like a maid? And have them clean the house.

Probably do just as... Well, I don't know. Not to dismerge the fine maids of Craigslist. Yeah, they work hard. It'd be fun to dirty up a house twice and hire a hooker and hire an actual maid and see who does a better job. Once we really get that Patreon humming,

this is the kind of investigative journalism. It's America's saddest game show. Ho to housewife. I have a theory. I want to say, I'm locked in. Do you already know? I'm going to go last. You already know.

I have a really good idea, and I have an absolutely insane connection to one of these. Okay, so I think it's B, and I'll tell you why. All right, with words. I think that what happened, if that was a thing, it would be a huge scandal. If he got caught doing that. Okay. And I haven't heard that, and maybe I'm just not as familiar with him as others are.

You're talking about the umpire thing okay uh but i think that would be like i don't know that kept pete wrote that kind of stuff is what keeps pete rose out of the hall of you know i mean that's more serious than gambling in my opinion so i'm gonna that's why i think it would be b okay i think that story would follow him around i think it's either b or c but i tend to believe he did do b and just because he was lenny dyke sure everybody was like dude whatever okay um i'm gonna go with c and then after you say the answer i i want to i want to tell you a quick story okay correct answer was c betton lost his world series ring on the kentucky derby oh wow alleges he did that shit with the private investigators oh he said nobody can confirm it but i for sure think he did

it that's what he actually had money yes tell the story i can't believe that you don't know this story um i know it wasn't d the uber driver thing because after that happened you were the uber driver him up as an uber driver have i never told you this story i know this story but they don't it is the best story i have and i'm i'm not sure we have time to tell it, so I'll just give the most abbreviated version of it possible. I mean, we got time. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to take over the show with this thing, though. But anyway. Tom, you got your phone call with CAA, and then me and Keith got to go head over to fucking NBC. And, yeah, Pat. So Lenny Dykstra, psycho, but also a part of the 1993 Phillies, which was the first team I fell in love with. The year is 2019.

It's during the World Series. I remember it well. I picked up this guy from a house in Beverly Hills. Now, when I pulled up, he was sitting on the front lawn, which is weird. You don't usually see that. They usually are inside the house.

His name is Kyle. Kyle gets in the backseat. He's wearing all black, the hat, head-to-toe black. He's, like, mumbly and weird. I don't think anything of it. We start driving, and he— Another Conor McSpadden type. Yeah, exactly.

And we were just making small talk about whatever, and then he goes, Hey, I got to make two stops. I'm stopping in Westwood to pick up my date, and then we're going to a restaurant in Brentwood. Can you do that? And I was like, yeah, you just got to put it into your phone. And he goes, all right.

He goes, I'm really bad with this stuff. A few minutes go by. He goes, all right, I think I got it. And I look at the thing, and now I have two destinations. So I'm like, oh, yeah, you nailed it. And he goes, nice, nailed it. There used to be a ball player named Nails. You ever heard of him?

And I was like, oh, you mean Lenny Dykstra? I was like, dude, I grew up on the 93 Phillies. Like, yeah, that of course I know who Lenny Dykstra is. He goes, yeah, dude, Lenny Dykstra was awesome. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's a shame he turned into such a fucking piece of shit now. So the guy goes,

the guy goes, did he? I don't, I haven't heard anything. And I'm like, oh yeah. And at the time he was getting ready to do a celebrity boxing match against the Bagel Boss. Remember that tiny guy? Oh fuck, I remember this. Oh shit, that's how you know shit's going good. Yeah, so I'm like, oh yeah dude, he's a piece

of shit. Isn't the Bagel Boss like 4'11"? Yeah, Lenny Dykstra would have fucked him up. I think COVID ruined it. Another thing the Chinese took from us. But I was like, oh yeah Lenny Dykstra would have fucked him up I think COVID ruined it um but uh another thing the Chinese took from us but I was like oh yeah he's an asshole I was like he's always on drugs he's been to jail he's been arrested a bunch and he goes yeah I think some of that stuff is made up have you ever read his book and I was like I don't need to read his book the guy sucks and he goes yeah hell of a ball player though and this is what saved me because I go, oh, my God, dude. I was like, he was one of the best.

He was like, remember 1993? I'm like, yeah, did he have like 140 walks? He scored like 140. He had like a 420 on base percentage. Start rattling off all these numbers. And the guy's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, you love me? But he was still playing it cool.

He goes, yeah, but he was on steroids, though, so it doesn't count. I'm like, dude, they were all on steroids. Who gives a fuck? And he's like, yeah, that's true. They were all on steroids. Yeah, that probably is what saved you. Yeah, that's what saved me. He puts the gun away.

So we're driving along, and we're just talking about the 1993 Phillies. We're just talking baseball. We get to this woman's house. We pull up outside of her house. He goes, how does this work? He's like, am I supposed to get out and like go to her door? Do I just text her? And I'm like, well, I'm married.

It's been a while since I've been on a first date, but I would go to the door. And he goes, I'm going to hang out here and talk baseball with you. And he goes, so who do you like in the World Series? And I was like, ah, you know, I'm going with the Astros. I was like, the Nationals have the worst bullpen ERA of any team in playoff history. It's going to catch up with them. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes, wait till you see this chick. He goes, man, she's brilliant. She speaks like five languages. I can barely speak English. And then the girl comes walking out, and she's like 23. She's like some mixture of Brazilian and Asian and black, like whatever makes the most beautiful woman on earth. Yeah.

And she gets in the car and I just get quiet. I turn up the radio so they can, you know, talk. And immediately they have no chemistry whatsoever. He is completely ignoring everything he says. And within three minutes he throws his Hail Mary pass. He goes, so we're going to Brentwood for dinner. Ever been to Brentwood? She's like,

yeah. He's like, that's where the juice was loose. And I'm like, what a colorful way to refer to a double murder. And remind her you're fucking old. She wasn't even born when OJ. Oh,

that thing I've heard about offhand? So she's like, yeah, yeah. And she just goes right back to her phone. So he just starts talking to me about baseball. So now we're just talking baseball back and forth the whole time. We get to the restaurant. She gets out of the car. He goes, hey, you're the real deal, man.

I like your style. And he reaches up for a handshake. So I'm like reaching behind me. It's awkward. And he's like grabbing my hand and I'm like, oh yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, you too. Good talking.

And he goes, he's mumbly. So I thought he said, I love Lenny Dykstra. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. And he goes, no, no, no. And he squeezes my hand and he goes, I'm Lenny Dykstra. And I turn around and Lenny Dykstra is in the backseat of my car.

And I'm just like, holy shit. And immediately I'm like, I'm just like, holy shit. And immediately I'm like, I called him a piece of shit. And he has a history of being like a loose cannon. He fucking goes crazy. So I'm like, oh my God. Oh, you're fucking Lenny Dykstra. Holy shit.

And he just repeated. He was like, I like your style, man. You're the real deal. And I was like, oh, thank you. I was like, thank you for 1993. And he goes, I like your style, man. You're the real deal. And I was like, oh, thank you. I was like, thank you for 1993. And he goes, yeah, don't mention it. He gets out of the car, and he leaves me no tip. And then later that night, he posts a video on his Twitter. He's sitting around a fireplace, and he goes, hey, everybody,

it's Lenny Dykstra coming at you from Beverly Hills, California. You know, a lot of people have been asking me who I think is going to win the World Series. I'm going with the Houston Astros. The Nationals have the highest bullpen. Word for word. No fucking way. Yep. That fucking rocks so hard.

That's amazing. Wow. And then I went home and looked it up, and the reason he's Kyle is because his actual account got terminated because he uh pulled a gun on a driver and like made him drive like 30 miles outside of like the route or whatever yeah holy shit uh he probably had a whole like jog in his brain where he goes well he's acting a lot of shit on me but he still loves me for what i did so i'm gonna i'm not gonna leave him a tip but but I will. He won't murder him.

He had a lot of time to do the math on how he felt about you back there. He's a real one. Let me steal his fucking quotes. I think he had also prepaid for the escort. I think that was the bigger deal. He's like, I already paid for her time. I can't not have the date. I can't just whip this guy. How am I going to get to Westwood?

You got to be so annoying that even a hooker is like, I don't know, man. Yeah, I don't want this to 800 bucks again. Holy shit. Well, that's Witcher the following and the legend of Lenny Dykstra. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back right after this. Fuck you, Santa.

You're a fucking queer. Chug your North Pole ride up your fucking rear. Stay out of my chimney. Your home a fucking bag. Get away from me, you holly jolly fag. Christmas is more queers. Christmas is more queers. And fuck Hanukkah, too.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back. It's time to take a dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's a motherfucking

Mean horse Man, you're no good There's something so sad About watching Tom Phone in the dance I mean Last week you like Put your whole pussy

Into it Like you You really I made a whole montage Out of it It was so much I can't I can't do it

Every time you're like I got flippers You get it I don't know I can't follow It's not honeymoon sex Every night, Keith. I'm not mad about it.

I'm just saying. This is a maintenance dance. Yeah, you got to keep the people waiting and watch. If it's always good, then they'll be like, oh, what? But what about when it was good? And then they won't be on the hook. This is how I reel them in. You know what?

That makes sense. That's how I get the people fish, baby. All right. Now that we know how Tom get the people fish, baby. All right. Now that we know how Tom gets the people fish. And fisher of men, Tom Goss. We have the great Pat Barker from the Roast Battle League in the studio. And Pat, I don't know if you heard the streets are talking, and we thought you might want to hear what they have to say.

The question is for this week's guest, and it's why is there even a question of who the Rose Saddle MVP is when it's obviously Tom Goss? Thanks. Pat, your response. I knew this was coming. The whole ride down, I was like, I was... I mean, we didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up. I just played a random voicemail that I put there

on purpose. I'm like, how do I make this funny without trying to sound like an actual sports commissioner who's unaware that the job he has is literally a joke? Right. Right? So I'm like, how do I make this funny without trying to sound like an actual sports commissioner who's unaware that the job he has is literally a joke? Right. Right? So I'm just going to get up here like fucking Roger Goodell and be all diplomatic about it? I mean, do you want a real answer?

What do you want me to say? Well, what answer do you want to give? Who said he's not the league MVP? We haven't even voted yet. The season's not even over yet I don't understand why Why am I being attacked? You're not being attacked

The people are making it clear That there is one correct answer For who the MVP should be Well It's Tom Goss I think the fact that you can't even participate In a water cooler discussion like this Among friends without squirming

Like a guilty man Is evidence to something I'm not disparaging of something i'm not disparaging any foghorn leghorn sounded ass motherfuckers who might be in a healthy competition for a silver medal here i'm just saying it's tom's year yeah no this is doing over me because i both yeah you love this shit i i want to win but i also don't want nate to kill himself nate needs this there's no doubt about that. Nate needs this heavily. When I ran into

him last, I barely got to hello before he was... I was with you guys. I wanted to turn and walk away because it got so uncomfortable for a minute. It was fine after you left. Tom offered an olive wrench. Now I respect your gumption, guys. I did offer an olive wrench.

My favorite thing was he said something really diplomatic like, well, you know, no matter who wins, we both deserve it. So no matter who wins. One of us is screwed over. Yeah, or something like that. And he goes, I disagree. I deserve it. And I was like, oh, shit, something's burning in the other room.

It was so funny because I didn't say he did it. I was like, I shit, something's burning in the other room. It was so funny because I didn't say he did it. I was like, I think we both earned it. We both have a great argument. We both are good at this. And he was like, I disagree. I do believe there's one way to settle this, Mr. Goss, and it's pistols at dawn. I love the guy. He's great.

It's like apples and oranges because our season started March 1st. It runs through November 1st. Nate was there. He was the L.A. champion the whole way through. He picked whatever battles. When you're the champion, you don't get to pick your opponents or how frequently you battle. I booked everything for him.

He took every battle without backing down, always did a great job, had a great season. And then this guy shows up halfway through and goes i'm going to battle every three weeks against the best people i can find and i was like yeah sounds great and he just like started killing everybody so it's like it's you're comparing two different things that are really tough and we have tough for all the people who have votes not just me yeah not just me uh but uh yeah but i'm not booking anybody else with a vote on this fucking podcast yeah no and that's the other thing too is we have such different writing styles we have

such different like everything on stage and then we're both bouncers uh around the same it's so funny that that's how it i i do love nate if you if you're listening to this and you've never seen nate battle uh i would best describe his comedy styles as Laffy Taffy after dark. Real spicy puns. He's perfected this style. He's very big on the puns. That call center joke was legit great. It was a pun, but it was legit great.

Here's the thing. We used to get on his case for the puns and I thought we would bully him into being like, alright, I can't do puns anymore. He was like, I am just going to beat these motherfuckers to death with puns and instead of like and I thought we would bully him into being like alright I can't do puns anymore he was like I am just going to beat these motherfuckers to death with puns until they earn respect and he has the best pun like his last guy he battled was

Sath from Yeah Mad who you met at the thing and Sath is Australian but he's also Sri Lankan so Nate is like I could do Australian puns and like you know Nate is like, I could do Australian puns and religious like I could do Indian puns, I could do Middle Eastern puns.

I could do pun cocktails. Jumbo pun. He called him Crocodile Gandhi. And then said, you look like you're about to run to a room and scream Koala Akbar. And he somehow made the style where it's like watching the only nba

player who still shoots underhanded free throws when he makes 95 percent you're like what am i gonna do talk shit that's the perfect that's the perfect way to describe yeah he's granny style bowling but he's getting a lot of strikes out of it and he can't he can't uh yeah no i think at the very least no matter what happens, no matter who wins that next season, the very first battle I book is Nate Welch versus Tom Goss 1000% It's a no-brainer at this point

Between those two, that is literally a no-brainer Two of Rose Metal's detoy-est faces That could be what we call the rumble in the jungle The biggest no-brainer of all time Yeah, comparing it to boxing the only two battlers with CTE somehow what we called the rumble in the jungle. The biggest no-brainer of all time. Yeah, comparing it to boxing, the only two battlers with CTE somehow.

All right. Well, we've had Pat in the hot seat long enough. Let's play a different voicemail. My question is for this week's guest. That's the voicemail. Why is there even a question of who the Rose Battle MVP is when it's obviously Tom Goss? Thanks. Pat, what do you have to say?

Just curious. People want to know. These questions are gassy, dude. Hey again, mean boys. Mineta here. First off, thank you for your kind words from before. Very encouraging. I appreciate it.

I don't remember what we said. I want to give a special thank you to Connor. You're right Fuck my cancer that never happens. It's a bitch. It's a cut, but I'm not gonna let it dictate my life I really need to hear that from the could give two shits con man. So thank you for that But also I think I need to get, maybe some sort of tattoo of you three. Because I swear every time you guys come around, my luck gets better. You know, I don't have a house that is, well, I guess I do have a house. Yeah, not too bad.

But I don't have a $100,000 job or kids like some of these cunts. But what I did get was $700 that my cunt of a corporate company owed me for the last seven months. They also offered me a $750 stipend because hurricanes are apparently our dogs here in Florida. And we've had two recently. And because of that, I got $750 and another $750 today. So, you know, over $2,100 in the last month for apparently no reason.

I swear to God, I'm going to shoot a horseshoe with your names on it and just stick it right up my keister. Enough babbling, though. That's more than enough. Tom, will we ever get another wonderful episode of... Fuck. What was it called?

There's the bomb. Oh, there we go. Leaving a tribe. I would love to hear it. I really enjoyed the series. And, you know, if you could only maybe do one or a couple. Maybe get, I don't know, maybe Connor and maybe, like, another person. I don't know.

I know we got you. I know we got Keith and a bunch of others. Still trucking. Make the set. Other than that, actually, life is going pretty good. All right. Jesus Christ. I'm glad you're feeling good, but oh, my God.

To fill you in, Mineta is our Floridian black juggalo caller from... I gathered. Who has cancer. Yeah, who has cancer. Dear Lord, if your time is limited... What the fuck, man? Like, not to backseat tumor you or anything, but lots of fucking choices.

Holy shit. No wonder it took you seven months to get your 700 fucking dollars. It took you six months to say it. Oh, my God. Thank you for your call. But I did see a flower the other day uh yeah i fucking love manetta there's no plans as of right now i really i both really enjoyed that podcast and also it is tremendous amount of emotional work to do regularly and it's also a

thing where i want to have the right guess because when you're talking about heavy stuff what i don't want to do is i don't want to be i don't want it to turn it into the you know trauma sharing hour i want there to be more construction than that so it's like both an emotional labor for me uh you got to be careful because people have to be the right place to tell their stories and a lot of times when people are most eager to share their stories, it's when they really haven't actually personally processed it. Sure. So it's a difficult show in that case, but yeah, maybe someday.

I do love that show, and I'm glad that it's still thought of, and I appreciate that. I always felt bad talking to you when you were doing Leaving the Tribe, because you would come back from a recording, and you'd be like, yeah, no no it was a really good episode we talked a lot about like a lot of real bad shit in your eyes we just recorded a podcast in the jungles of fucking vietnam yeah but you just went man everybody got molested and they did yeah and they did uh but yeah no i mean it's a heavy show, but I do miss having those conversations

because I learned a lot. It is always funny to think of just serious Tom existing alongside fucking Think Tank Thunk. Grimace pussy jokes or whatever. I feel like that caller was just angling to be a guest. He's like, are you going to bring back the show about people who have bad luck? Boy, let me tell you about this hurricane that popped up recently. It's a hurricane through cancer into my butt, and that was about when I got fired.

We didn't even find out why his life was pretty good. Hey, again, man. Not going to happen. Ah, fuck. Well, yeah, we got all kinds of crazy emails. I don't know why someone sent this to us and then sent it to us again. Just said, hey, here's some images I made during your first run. Have fun.

And they just spelled out Mean Boys and Tom Goss in cardboard paper tubes. Oh, yeah. Like from a toilet roll. We can put those up on screen, I guess. Yeah, what an odd choice. I'll throw that on the graphics. That's awesome. I like that it's just

Mean Boys and Tom God. They have the shortest names. You know how many shits you'd have to take to spell Connery? Mine's not that many more letters. One of my letters is an I. There's another one they said they didn't print that was them spelling out the symbol for Yahweh in Arabic or something.

Cool. I don't know why. Rock this is a this is a very charming cry for help you've emailed yeah that's this episode of leaving the toilet finance mooc i guess i shall oblige uh No cancer diagnosis or miscellaneous popper tragedies have befallen me just yet. Hell yeah. And since your last run, I started dating a guy who's in Arizona. Everything's going super well.

Since Ving Boys came back, we started talking about moving in together next year. I'm not blaming you, but it was good to see Keith and Tom. I trained with you in Chicago a couple weeks ago. Keith, your set was truly lit. And Tom, you put on an amazing battle against HIV double positive Conan O'Brien. It was super fun. My friend informed me that his father passed away, so I thought it would be a good idea to take him to a battle to untuck a little bit.

And honestly, he said it really did help. He said he left heavily conflicted, but it did help him swallow a rather bitter pill, so I guess we'll call it a win. I also asked Giselle the awesome stories, and since scumbag behavior is usually heavily featured on the show, and to some extent, I want to say encouraged. I want to tell something that happened really not to me, but around me. Okay. Full disclosure, I'm going to redact some of the names and references

regarding this event. Your accent is redacting all of them. But also, I feel like since it involves a gay gym, I don't think it will ever get to the people in question because the Mean Boys crowd doesn't strike me as the gym-going kind of people. Very gay, not even gay. Especially the queer folks who do not appear to be the muscle queen kind of gay. The only way that they would utter the word gym is if it's preceded by fuck the.

I know it's a tough time for not bowing down to unrealistic standards of fitness that were imposed onto us and became the principal mission to many facets of the gay community anyway. Um, oof. Sorry, I digress. We've been in a gay gym for a while now and the owner was kind of sketchy, but nice.

About a month ago, the guy disappears and nobody has been able to reach him since. Maybe a week ago, the landlord shows up telling the staff at the gym that several times they're selling the dollars in back friends. Also, some very sketchy individuals start showing up at the gym and start questioning and threatening the trainers, especially one. This is all alleged because I wasn't there. Both the guys and the landlord say that they won't talk to

this one trainer specifically as he was listed as the main business owner of the store. What the fuck are we doing? I have no idea what he's talking about. Ladies and gentlemen. Pat, your thoughts. I realize what I hate about this being a video podcast. It's like all the reactions

I wanted to have and used to be able to have through the safety of it being an audio only medium. I'm like, I can't. So I'm just sitting here just like smiling and nodding and acting like I'm enjoying this. I couldn't understand a word. I showed no signs of ending. I was like pressing the headphone to my ear

like I was going to shake some bush out of it. Like I was in the studio. I didn't need to get like more passionate so I'd be like, well, I should try to hear what he's... And then I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? We need to have a meeting, audience, about how to leave a fucking voicemail. You gotta keep them to like 30 seconds

and get to the point a little quicker. I changed the little intro thing, so it literally says that when you leave one. It says, like, make sure you've gathered your thoughts. Keep it clear and concise. Can you change the actual... Because some people, you try to leave a voicemail, and after eight seconds, it cuts you off and goes, if you're satisfied actual, because some people you try to leave a voicemail and after eight seconds it cuts you off and goes, if you're satisfied,

press one. If you want to re-record, press, can you do that? It's probably, but they're going to keep calling back and going, oh, I bombed the last one. Is there a filter to make him more straight and American so we can understand him better? I don't think the gay is the problem. Well, we don't know. He's too Italian

to know. It's not the problem with the voicemail. I will say, I know we're shitting on you a lot right now, but I fucking love Finance Mookie. He came out to our roast battle in Chicago. He brought his boyfriend. It was his first time. I think the boyfriend's first time at a stand-up. Hey, Mr. Goss, I am

the number one fan. I go in the big windy city. We love a very gay number one time. It's in the big windy city. We love a very gay number one dog. It's me, Equal Eye. The gayest boob lover in Chicago. Put your boob in my mouth. I am Equal Eye. Equal Eye, my boyfriend.

The boob with the homo. Oh, yeah. Yeah, call back because it sounds like you're telling us a story about a guy who owned a gay gym going missing, which I am curious about. But I can't understand you and there's too much in it. And every Mean Boys voicem it sounds like you're telling us a story about a guy who owned a gay gym going missing, which I am curious about.

But I can't understand you, and there's too much in it. And every mean boy's voicemail sounds like you're recording it under the covers, and you don't want your mom and dad to hear that you have a boyfriend in middle school. Or he's saying somebody's name is Gay Jim, like the way the guy in Huckabay and my dad were Jim. Gay Jim Sanders. Yeah, no, I fucking fucking Minetta and Finance Book I fucking love both of those but I there was

we have to be able to like you know so you're sending us a thing we have to be able to like hold on to it and do something with it but it's just kind of like I heard Ratatouille noises

the whole time you were I like your little karate hands when you're trying to explain I wasn't talking but he called out. It was very intelligible. It was so easy to understand.

What do we say? Well, yeah. No, he came out to Chicago with his boyfriend, gave us stuffed animals, which is very nice. Yes, I did. Yeah. I did hear that part of the voicemail when he said he left the show conflicted. His boyfriend left the show conflicted.

Oh, whether or not he liked the show? I don't understand. He was coming after his... I love that we have to translate the fucking call. You don't have to. His dad died. His boyfriend's dad died. He was like, oh, we'll go to the show. And I guess he was sad but stoked that he watched you do comedy or whatever. I'm gonna bury this man

and then I bury my cock in his ass. If you want to hear like 10 great potential jokes about your dead dad, this is the place to go. Asses to asses and nuts to butts. Which one of you would be on my ball bearer? All right. Should I read this email?

Isn't it in finance, Mook? Wasn't that better than us caring about what you had to say? This is what you wanted. Tom, I know you're about to read an email, but I feel like you're going to hold that up in like nine more pages. It's a pretty long one. All right. Well, this is from Bob.

Hey, guys, big fan of the show. I'm one of the people you stole from Unpops after Connor and Randall had their, quote, spirited debate. So you know that meme that came out a few years ago that says something to the extent of your wife was kidnapped, you have to drive 30 minutes to where they're held to get them back, do you put music on the radio? Slightly related, about three years ago,

after the podcast ended the first time, I had to drive an hour to break up with my girlfriend of five years who was fighting leukemia. Hey, at least everyone has something in common this episode. Turns out the answer to the question is I'd put on the John DiMaggio episode of Mean Boys Podcast. Good one. So my question is, if you have an intense thing that you have to go to, like, say, breaking up with a cancer lady or getting your kidnapped

wife would you listen to music and what would you listen to thanks guys great to have you back on my podcast feed for a bit ps to be clear she was diagnosed nine months into us dating and i had stayed with her for another four years and changed helping her kick leukemia right in the dick we broke up a few years before she was officially considered cured. I left because she stopped trying to get better from the side effects of her treatment and was dragging me down with her. I'm still a piece of shit,

but I'm a piece of shit who tried, damn it. Thanks for clearing that up at the end there. You don't ever have to explain to me why you dumped a cancer lady. I'm on board. I had no issues with it from the beginning. Well, I mean, look, that's an awkward situation to be like, oh, I have to break up with my girlfriend with cancer,

so what you should just do is just, I don't know, wait. Problem seems like it might solve itself. I have dated someone with a chronic disease that it was like part of it was her disease was made things. It was a thing I also had to deal with, you know? And I guess I found I wanted to break up with her for reasons. I was like, it's not about that. Like, it's all the other shit, you know?

So if you feel like it's all the other shit. It's not the cancer. You're just ugly. You've gotten fat. You've somehow gotten fat with cancer. Here's the problem, dude. You fucked yourself over here dude and i get you got to do what you got to do and i'm not judging you for that

but if you just stayed and rode it out until she got better you'd be fine or whatever but you broke up during cancer so now when she tells the story of how she persevered you're something she persevered over like you're you get no credit for this you don't get two years of credit for the time you put in with sick girlfriend. Like if the tumor is Mr. Freeze, you're Bane. You're like a henchman in the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who she triumphed over.

I actually completely disagree. You were here with her for four years. She had cancer the whole time and then you left and she was cured. Obviously, you were the problem. You were the lump. No. Yeah, she lost the 214 pound lump. Okay, what do you put on if you're going to break up with cancer girl because that's the the question we're ultimately being asked uh it seems same thing i do every time i'm doing anything stressful to wear eagles there over and over again i was

gonna say i want my roast battle pump up mask i want like fucking gorilla radio by rage against the machine champs y'all ready for this? Yeah, this is Bad Penny by Big Black. Too loud. Over and over again. Just any song over and over again. That's the kind of time where it's just you zone in on, but push it to the limit

or whatever for 25 minutes. I think DMX is good breakup music. Because by the end of a DMX album, you'll hate all women. I'm leaving with you. Oh, we're going specifically to a breakup? Well, that's... Yeah, I mean for that stop drop because your tumor didn't get chopped whoa where the hurt where the hurt where the hurt you're a t-cell counselor

y'all gonna make me lose my hair oh my god rough rides for the cure make me lose my hair. Oh, my God. Rough ride for the cure. Oh, my God. Yeah, I have, like, a sad boy playlist for, like, when friends die and stuff. It's your most listened to on Spotify? I do listen to it a lot.

But it's, yeah, it's all instrumental, so either that or, yeah, something something yeah, it's like a pump up song. I don't know, like, sometimes when I'm feeling the saddest, it's like, get pumped up to get this love

out of my life. Sometimes, like, when I'm really depressed, that's where, uh, I don't know if you guys do this that's where i go to like my corniest music sometimes so sure yeah like oh fuck my mom's in the hospital time to play steal my sunshine on loop i think there are times in life when it's like don't worry about being cliche yeah and if you just got dumped listen to fooled around and fell in love 58 times in a row because that's what you do. I had to wrestle a family member into the mental hospital, and I couldn't stop playing Let's Get Retarded by the Black Eyed Peas.

Like, sometimes just like I want to play cheesy bullshit. It almost makes it seem like I'm in on the joke that is tragedy yeah the grand joke of life yeah yeah yeah uh do we want to do one more email one more voicemail do you did you have an answer i i mean i was kind of being serious with the dmx thing whenever i have any negative emotions whether it's like sadness depression anger whatever it all manifests itself as road rage like i won't even know that i'm in a dark space until i fucking scream at somebody and like punch the steering wheel and I'm like, oh, you should talk to somebody.

So I would just lean into that and play the angriest music I could find. Break stuff on repeat. So the first night we were in Tokyo, Keith had to work, so I went to a karaoke bar with Kim and her boyfriend and we did so many songs that chased

out all the good Japanese people. They all left and it was just three ignorant Americans. Like what kind of songs? I mean we were doing like Put a boot in your ass. No but we did Limp Bizkit Break Stuff. That's so good. Just three ignorant like smashed

Americans and a 70 year old japanese woman that we're not allowed to tip you can't even tip in that culture so you can't be like oh we're ruining her night we'll give her a big tip like you can't even do that right we just ruined her life and then left hell yeah yeah i did and that's the worst thing americans ever did to japan all right we got six minutes one more email one more voice let's do that thing Americans ever did to Japan. All right, we got six minutes. One more email. One more voice. Email is short. Let's do that.

All right. You want to read? Yeah. EB, segment idea, maybe. Tom's joke about Anna and Connor's vows. If they got married,

maybe think of a potentially fun bit. Worst man speeches. You each pick one of the others and write a hypothetical short mean boys best man speech. That's actually, that could be a fun ride. Yeah,

I'm not even going to shit on that. We will consider that maybe. That sounds like, that could be a fun ride. Yeah, I'm not even going to shit on that. We will consider that maybe. That sounds like it's going to get pretty mean. Yeah. I mean, theoretically, that might actually like happen in our real life at some point.

With who? It'd be weird if I got married, I'd have to probably pick between one of you to be my best man. Bro, have Tom do it. People like Tom. Yeah, but it'd be really funny

to make you do it because I know you'd be pissed off about it. I wouldn't be pissed off about it. I'd just like... Oh, you'd be so pissed off about it. No, I'd be reluctantly honored. Yeah, but it would be like, okay, now I have to be responsible for things and have a good time

and ensure the good time of others. I know that would stress you out. Dude, I'm gonna bring a mini keyboard to play duck noises during my speech. This is why I'm pitching Tom, Keith. I want you to be the best man, you to be the maid of honor, and Jordan's friends to stay away.

That's what I want to do. It's an all-mean-boys wedding. Yeah, I have thought of, like, fuck. Jordan's not invited. She was on a couple episodes of Not A Show. She's grandfathered in. I don't want a wife or a girlfriend or anything like that, but I do want it, like, I would. I would like to have nine best man speeches.

Everyone gets three minutes. That's the only part of the wedding that sounds fun to me is where people have to say funny stuff about how they're my friend. Wait, but you don't want to get married. You just want people to say nice things. You just want to have a rose. We could just do the... Conor's dream wedding is getting married to himself. Hold up, I better go change into my tuxedo.

I now pronounce you up your own ass. Rubbing cake on your own face. It's called a Dennis Rodman. The great Pat Barker. Oh my god, thank you for coming and doing the show. You're awesome, buddy. It's been too long. Thanks, man. It's so much fun. I fucking love this podcast. I'm so glad it's back.

Tell the people where to keep in touch with you. Instagram at thepatbarker and at rblcommish for my roast battle stuff if you want to know whether or not Tom Goss wins the MVP. Well, make sure your voice is heard as disrespectfully as

possible and as frequently as you humanly can. I am giving you guys a lane. The first Instagram, please don't bombard that with Tom Goss-related nonsense, but the second one, please do. You and both.

And he spelled it wrong. Yeah, his Instagram is Brian Moses type shit. I didn't do it, but I thought for a second when I was cutting that reel together, I was like, it'd be really funny to just for half a second flash Pat's personal phone number on the screen.

But it's 3-1 now. That is funny. All right, yeah, you can follow the Mean Boys on the Mean Boys link tree, all our socials and shit. I think that's the show. Cool. Fuck everything, God is dead. Later, guys.

Goodbye! I think that's the show. Cool. Fuck everything. God is dead. Later, guys. Goodbye. Fuck everything. The God is dead. Fuck everything. I'm glad we all agreed not to chant together at the end of the show. Any closing remarks, Pat? Nope. Goodbye.

Heath. No. Shut up! We're done! Go back to the scores! Please don't throw that. We're a visual medium now. We're a visual medium now. We're not a medium. That's because you're a large. We're not visual medium now. Sorry. We're a visual medium now. We're not a medium.

That's because you're large. We are not a medium. You fucking source of bass. We are not a medium. Cast and juicy, baby.