Mean Boys - EP 236 - Primordius Flub (ft. Nicole Becannon)

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

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Snickers with me. Snickers with me. hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast politics is just the entertainment division of the military industrial complex i'm nicole Buchanan. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A low-T sleep paralysis demon. If you drink too much soy before bedtime, this thing complains by the foot of your bed. I am a monster from biblical antiquity that no longer has the heart to fuck his wife.

The Corvette stays in the garage gathering dust. Biblically accurate cuckold. Them golf clubs haven't been picked up since before our children, Barbara. Classic Bible Times accent. I'm in the present day.

I own a modern home. I'm not going to be a sleep paralysis demon that defies dimension and then live in 200 AD in a fucking... You don't want to live in the dirt and blood era? Yeah. You're like a sleep paralysis demon

that would just be like, have you invested in crypto instead of doing any demon shit? I said that to you while you were sleeping one time. I don't remember. I keep being told that I'll do weird shit in my sleep. Yeah, no shit. Like when you sleep

walked naked out of the hotel in Alaska. Yeah, I downloaded Duolingo for Yiddish last night. Tom, are you sleep streaked? We've never told this story on Mean Boys. I guess we haven't. You've done so many amazing things that I forget. You saw what Tom's dick looks like?

No, not following it. I was in my underwear. We were staying in Alaska for the Before You Die Comedy Festival. Great festival. Highly recommend. We were staying in the same hotel room, and apparently what happened is Tom started sleepwalking in his underwear. Didn't remember it.

You tell us, Bob. Yeah, all right. Here's what I remember. I went nighty nights, okay? uh didn't remember here here's yeah all right here's what i remember i went 90 nights okay and then next thing i know i am trying to open a door it is the door to the i'm in the hallway i'm in my underwear uh and i i i'm like oh fuck i must have slept a lot and the only reason i came to is because i could not get back to whence i came from so i start slamming on from whence i came i could not return to the inside dimension i start slamming on the door

and i'm so loud i'm like well this doesn't wake up keith it might wake up everyone in this hallway so then i had to get in the elevator go down to the bottom floor of the hotel and then the whole elevator ride i'm like okay what is the least threatening way to walk up to a woman at the reception desk in my underwear and the answer is there is none hey baby because i got like halfway there she's not looking up i'm like well i get his i i just like'm trying to say it the least threatening way I could. Howdy. Top of the two in the morning to you. I thought she was going to die.

I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She probably thought she was going to die. No, she definitely did. I'm here to talk to you about the president. Yeah. You need all that skin. And I had to hide... This, by the way, would be You need all that skin. And I like had to hide. By the way, it would be a fire Ambien commercial.

I wasn't on Ambien. Next time, take Ambien. No, I'm saying just sleep through it. Well, Ambien also makes you sleepwalk, apparently. It can with certain people. Different message, but same commercial. Hey, you want to party? And tweet racist things.

Yeah. Don't have the guts to expose yourself to a woman while you're awake do you want to say the n-word and take your dick out right here roseanne recommends the official drug of rocking the fuck out but yeah i was just like i'm so sorry i got locked out of room 721 or whatever the room was and And she like threw the key. No follow-up questions. Now, this is the part that drives me insane. The room was in my name. Tom's name was not on the room.

And he did not have an ID. Oh, she did not check. So anyone in their underwear. So this lady saw you approaching your underwear looking insane. Yeah. And just went, yeah, he should go find whoever's sleeping in there. Yeah. No, I know you'd rather me be just locked up.

Well, the other option was call the police. I wanted you to get in. I'm just saying the security, like. Yeah, you'd be very easy to kill. I've been watching a lot of, yeah, yeah. Trump hasn't even been officially the winner for like four hours, and we're still not letting a woman talk already. It's been like five minutes.

Nicole Buchanan is our guest. I'm here, and also, we were just kidding. I'm not Tom Goss. He's Tom Goss, five minutes. Nicole Buchanan is our guest. I'm here. And also, we were just kidding. I'm not Tom Goss. He's Tom Goss. What? You guys. Get the fuck out of here. You lying slut. That doesn't sound correct. I fucking trusted you. Just get mad at her and not you.

Even though you both lied. It's a new day in America, bitch. We ain't having that shit. Well, it's just sometimes you gotta introduce new things to see if people are paying attention. Never. I'm never paying attention. You do have a naturally drifting away energy. It's ADD.

You ever see somebody let go of a balloon at Disneyland and it's just kind of like, fucking later. That's my brain. Yeah, pretty much. I've spent enough time around you just hanging out or in writer's rooms that i know when your eyes reach a certain level of like pointing away from each other i'm like oh nicole's in nicole town yeah i dissociate yeah which i didn't know that that was what i was doing for a long time i thought i was just like a space case i thought i was just like creative yeah you will sometimes be in the middle of a monologue and you look up and you go oh no

nicole's being yelled at by your father in the year 1990 and he's not being very nice we did do one of my favorite things that we do as um roommates which is uh have a thing that we're going to do together far away and find the reason to not carpool somehow as soon as i saw nicole walk out of the car alone i was like connor will for sure be late yeah yeah I would like the Sklar brothers at the store. They always show up separately, but at the same time. I'm like, why don't you guys just drive together? I mean, I don't think they live together. And they go, you still on your period, Randy?

And he goes, sure am, Jason. Do you think the Sklar brothers live either A, in the same big house, or B, in two identical houses right next to each other? With a little tunnel underneath that they can go kiss in the tunnel. They have a little zipline that goes from one window to the other. Well, when the kissing tunnel is being serviced. Well, the zipline is for adventure. The kissing tunnel is for

secrets. And don't even get me started on the fuck hammock. Yeah, when you guys see why I was late it's so fucking stupid i would like i know the level of arts and crafts that it's pathetic you did miss out on tom uh tom is back into the world of uh competitive with himself ice cream making oh yeah you want to try some ice cream oh fuck yeah yeah dude yes you can grab i've never had your ice ice cream? I had the coffee you made out of trash, and that was unbelievable. It actually did turn out pretty good. Tom literally turned refugee garbage into a pretty effective coffee machine.

I mean, what do you say? I didn't rummage through the trash. Well, I just thought we had... It was clean garbage. Yeah, we had empty gallons of... Plastic jug and such. Yeah, I cut up some jugs and shit. Yeah.

Very resourceful. Yeah. That's a fucking jug cut. Now, I hear a gallons of... Plastic jug and such. Yeah, I cut up some jugs and shit. Yeah. Very resourceful. Yeah. We're doing some fucking jug cutting. Now, I hear a lot of ice cream talk, not a lot of cone talk. I haven't heard anything about hard vanilla. You know what? Shane Gillis has been on SNL,

and you still haven't made a hard vanilla cone since we did that podcast in that hotel room. It's the funniest thing in the world that that is our most watched episode on YouTube because when Shane got canceled, he was on an episode of the fucking uh the pod so all these like weirdo dorks from the internet found the shane gillis episode and they're like yeah this isn't very good and this weird guy just keeps yelling about ice cream cones i actually i didn't when i when i looked i didn't see any comments about me but i know that i'm i'm extrapolating

that part it was mostly people saying we suck. See that, America? Keith's a liar. And the cone is real. I do think I figured out the funniest possible SNL cold open, and they can have this for free if they want this, even though the show will come out after that has already happened. But you know how last time they did Hallelujah

with Kate McKinnon, Hillary singing the song? Same thing, but as they pan up, she's in total blackface. Or a less funny version, you get like a Joe Biden impersonator to do it. But yeah, blackface Kate McKinnon.

Prove me right, Lorne. I'll think about it. The combs are coming. He has to become the world's best creamer first yeah you have to perfect the ice cream before you can come me and nicole agreed that once tom gets really good at ice cream we are going to get him a t-shirt that says world's greatest creamer i like tom's fake fake wisdom like making ice cream cone like washing window you have to start from top down first you make ice cream and then cones to support.

Yeah, you got to make killer ice cream first. And then the cone. I don't want to read your fucking raising canes mission statement. Everything at the cone store. It's not raising canes, it's raising cones. What the fuck are you talking about? He was fucking, he was talking about like, yeah, I thought about making a cone, but then the cinnamon, it's too flimsy, but then it's too hard.

And you were like having like the real dilemmas we told you would be an issue with Cone Zone. The sugar physics. You just went, no. When did Tom shit? And it was like, you ever make plans when you're drunk and then when you're sober and you have to deal with them, you're like, how the fuck did it? It was like watching you do that, but from when you were insane. Like now I'm a sane man trying to do an insane man's project.

I stand by the the hard uh you can make a cone out of a hard truck in fact my dad just told me how to my dad told me how to do it like a year ago i just haven't gotten to it well my dad knows a thing or three about experimental cones and my uncle works for nintendo and he said that could catch mew under the truck but here's the problem if you taste ice, it doesn't pair well with white chocolate or dark chocolate, so I'm not going to do that for that ice cream. What? I feel like this is all no offense, Tom. I feel like you're avoiding the issue.

We're saying you can't structurally make a whole cone out of hard vanilla. Same thing we said eight years ago, and you're saying, well, it doesn't pair well with pistachio, so it's pointless to begin with. Nicole, she sounded legitimately angry. What kind of bullshit is that? Chocolate doesn't pair with ice cream?

With ice cream? No, no, hang on. Hang on. What kind of madman? Hang on, hang on. The ice cream you just tasted, you think chocolate would pair well with that? Yes.

You're wrong. Chocolate pairs pretty well with anything. Here at the Cone Zone, the customer is always wrong. Here's the square cone. Here's the soup Nazi of ice cream. These are approved flavor combinations. No deviations accepted.

No substitutions allowed. Welcome to the Cone Zone. Get out. The chocolate would have overpowered the cinnamon. Democracy has fallen in the cone zone. Well, I don't like your sass to coal. I'm sorry. Don't fucking apologize.

I'm sorry, oh great creamer leader. That's world C. Well, it's going to be a cult, and I do have to follow the rules. What does go with cinnamon ice cream? A war is gone this is this is obedience chocolate and cinnamon don't go together explain s'mores sir okay no wait where's the cinnamon on graham crackers? Okay, that's a light... But that's cinnamon forward. You're not using cinnamon graham crackers. Grow up. Okay.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm with you there. But the chocolate... I have a fat objection. But if you're leading with cinnamon, which... I'll waddle to the bench, Your Honor. ...is not what's happening in a s'more, okay? It's not led by the cinnamon.

It's an after... You know. The judge bangs the ketchup bottle three times. You're trying to make something cinnamon forward. You got to find a flavor that's not going to overpower the cinnamon. I like that Tom is a sommelier for something that special needs children can make. Let's see you make it. Oh, s'mores.

No, I thought you were talking about ice cream. No, I can't make ice cream. I know you can't. I mean, I could if I had an ice cream machine. I could if I had Google.com. in any amount of time or effort at all. I have a great recipe for ice cream. I go buy ice cream. Exactly.

Do we want to yell about ice cream, or do we want to tell some jokes? I'm sorry for questioning your palate, Tom. Yeah, no. The palate. You all laughed at me. And one day, when I have the codes, you will not be receiving them. This is a manifesto. You all laughed at me.

Respect the wisdom of L. Ron Shubbard. Great ice cream is like summer breeze. Let's get into the Mexican drill, Tom. Hi, so topical. Did you know there's a guy in Taiwan and he made savory ice creams? Wouldn't it be crazy if I said yes? I also have that data ready to go. Yeah, I really want to try

Ham Swirl. I do have a subscription to Snacks Gazette. It was in the news. It's the first ever. You do use that name in hotels sometimes. It was the biggest thing in the news this week. It was really the only thing that wasn't. After Caramel Harris

lost the election. No, it was one of the few non-political news stories because he's the first ever ice cream parlor to get a Michelin star. After the endorsement of Ted Nugent. Eight course ice cream meals, all frozen

and one sandwich. I don't know why they open with a sandwich. I fuck with division. I want to try the hard vanilla. I think it can be done. You don't get any now. You'll have to watch other people eat it. And even in my spiteful shame, exiled from

the cone zone's deliciousness, I will be happy for you. And I'll be happy for ice cream and ice cream enjoyers everywhere. No, you won't. Nicole, thank you for joining us. For the listening audience, Nicole

just put on one of those handmade tails. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes these things get away from me. A Texas woman said her young son was denied bathroom access at school and was made to sit in his own feces all day, which does explain why I've been following him around and calling him Mr. Poopy Pants. Ah-ha!

Mr. Poopy Pants, I'm not allowed to poop! You're not allowed to poop, Mr. Poopy Pants! I smell your poopy pants and I'm not allowed to poop! Na- not allowed to poop, Mr. Poopypants. Smelly Poopypants is not allowed to poop. Na-na-na-na-boo-boo, victim of abuse. Caught her fucking black belt bullying. The education system's failing you, Mr. Poopypants. Isn't it, Mr. Poopypants? My mommy made you into Poopypants. Who said comedy was dead?

Keep going. All right, I'll go. A new report from The Athletic found that NFL players are huge fans of Uncrustables. Do you guys know Uncrustables? Yeah. Yeah, something that once people said could not be done. With each team going through 4,000 per week. That's a real number.

Wow. Yeah, trainers say they're calorically and nutrient dense, while CTE-riddled players say, duh, peanut butter and jelly! I put on my special hat and eat a sandwich. I play football and I made the poop in my pants.

One day I'll grow up to be Gronk and then dead in 42. Give my think meat to science. Crust bad. I would argue the Uncrustables crawled

so that cones could walk. Fucking ask for grape and somebody gives them a strawberry, he just rips their face off like a champ. Uncrustables, the choice of the brain damaged. I like it. I want the purple one! Kid tested. Duh!

Approved. Uncrustables really does have a look to it that just belongs to the mentally feeble. Sure. It really, yeah. It's the kind of food that only belongs in a government home. I didn't know they had a Nutella Uncrustable. Yeah, they do.

Well, that's for the discerning depressed white woman. I'm also retarded. It's a snack they filed the sharp edges off of. So you can't cut yourself it's the padded room of getting fat yeah you can't choke on it i've tried okay uh influencers drowned after refusing to put on life jackets because they'd ruin their selfies. You know, it's really sad knowing the state of the world today

that we're still dumping plastic garbage into the ocean. I'm going to deliver them straight to camera. You're going right down the barrel. I do that sometimes. You know what I'm going to do after every one of your jokes? I'm going to cut in Kevin Eubanks

from The Tonight Show going, boom. If you could just do me a favor for technical reasons, ask if they've seen this or heard about this. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? There we go. Thank you. I'll slice that in. Nice.

All right, guys. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? No. Okay. Well, I should tell you what. Okay. Okay.

A 17-year-old shot and killed his entire family because of an argument about how late he could stay up. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? No. Oh, okay. Well, if that surprises you, wait until you find out that it wasn't done by a white guy. What?

That's just a very white crime to kill your family. Oh, I didn't do the rest of the setup. Okay. You replaced crucial words with Jay Leno references. And now you at home can do it yourself with your own DIY bomb Mad Libs kit. Yo, I got to call this guy and tell him that he's not Mr. Poopy Pants anymore.

There's a new Poopy Pants in town. Tom, you've been demoted from Lord of the Cream or whatever to Mr. Poopy Pants. I forgot to do the rest of the set up. Set ups are overrated. Not that time. You guys will just stare at me like what the fuck are you talking about like i didn't care for the setup or the punchline but i did like all the stuff that happened afterwards yeah it was actually kind of a relief because i thought i was like oh i don't get this joke i must be stupid or something okay, we're all big fans of science on this show.

Scientists fighting malaria have just discovered that deaf mosquitoes are no longer able to breed. Apparently, the other mosquitoes don't think it's very hot when they say, Do you want to fuck my bug pussy? Fuck my whip bug pussy. Stick it in my fucking malaria hole. I'm a muskwerter. No, nothing gets me good like a deaf voice. I was born in a puddle and there's one underneath me right now.

Oh, fuck. A shark ate a surfer's leg in Hawaii. The surfer is in good spirits saying he can't wait to get back on his board and hang five. Okay, my turn. Okay, let's do this one. No, not that one yet. Okay. Columbia pays $395,000 to students suspended over protest fart spray. The official ruling was whoever smelt it dealt it.

Wait, they got sprayed with fart spray for protesting? No, they were using fart spray protesting and and we think your views on gaza stink i thought that fart spray was called diarrhea and they got suspended for it but then but then columbia had to pay them for suspending them i guess that rules yeah freedom of stench dude nice dude the fucking squirts amendment so i could spray whatever weird ass smelling stuff on whoever hell yeah man fucking drink my bleach keanu reeves fuck yeah that'll teach you to have a tragic home home life and back story i'm going to fucking columbia dude i haven't been sleeping much, guys. Me neither. Me neither.

Alright, Tom. Don't set me up. We don't do set-ups here. No, we don't. James Vanderbeek has rectal cancer. Wow. See, that was the punchline. That was the joke.

Sorry, go ahead. I wonder why this isn't going to do well now. James Van Der Beek has rectal cancer. Wow, more like James Ass is bleak. I looked at that news story for like an hour trying to find some Dawson's crack fucking something and I couldn't get you.

I'm going to fucking cram this thing in. It worked. Wow. I was trying to do something about his cousin. His butt's bad. Who's his cousin? He's English. Okay.

Does he have a name? No. All right, cool. Oh, James Vanderbrook. English. Okay. Does he have a name? No. All right, cool. Oh, James Vanderbrook. All right, gang. Lucky travelers passing through the Portland airport might get a chance to pet PDX's newest employee, Benny the Therapy Llama,

who's already proving much more popular than his predecessor, Hank the Rape Crisis Counseling Alpaca. the therapy llama who's already proving much more popular than his predecessor hank the rape crisis counseling alpaca it's not your fault it's not your fault more peanut butter you have a lot of fun voices yeah a lot of act out a lot of fun voices this week. Yeah, a lot of act outs. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. No, I like it. I really wanted to do a similar version of that deaf mosquito joke, but I knew I couldn't nail the deaf voice like you did. Oh, thanks.

I'm glad it got done. I jumped on the... Well, you know I was molested by a deaf guy, so I'm allowed. Can you teach me? No! I can't! I actually don't know how to do it. I just operate

out of hateful racist instinct. Let my subconscious take over. Is it a black deaf guy? I was molested by a deaf guy. I'm racist towards them. The term is deaf African American. He was deaf, but you were the one who couldn't hear him coming. It's a real deaf comedy jam now saying the d word with a hard i apologize to our deaf listeners

related to the uh jim vanderbeek ass story uh he's he's on the show I'm about to talk about Fox is airing a TV special where male celebrities strip to raise money for cancer research the tagline is check for lumps then check out these lumps chika chika chika chika

okay a Houston mother was accused of trying to sell a newborn to the highest bidder on Facebook. And I say good on her. This is what the Republicans wanted from us. No abortion. Stimulate the economy. Supply their pedophile islands.

Hell yeah. It's like a brand. It's like locally sourced children. This is what we do with our pussies now. Thanks for writing the only political... Just gonna pop them out and sell them. Somewhere Ted Cruz heard that and just like secreted goo, which is how he shows pleasure.

It's not a reproductive organ. It's an income generating asset. That was... Congratulations on writing the only political joke I've enjoyed all year. Thank you. A former Vegas politician received... Whoops. A former Vegas politician murdered.

Murdered. Killed him. Killed a reporter. Okay. Yeah, he killed a reporter okay yeah he killed a reporter and afterwards he said my fellow americans this just in this guy is dead it wasn't good and i didn't have the sauce guys gotta laugh on the last one gotta sauce up the second one. Received. I mean murdered. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard Tom made

a chocolate cone to sell at his fucking bullshit zone. But you don't really understand ice cream, do you, dumb bitch? It doesn't pair with cinnamon. You have to eat it with your friends. Connor's not allowed in the cone zone.

In the cone zone. In the cone zone. In the received, I mean cone zone. In the recede, I mean cone zone. In the cone zone. That was by Leonard Cohn. Oh, shit. Sorry, Tom. No, no, it's fine.

Let's talk about something else. I heard there was a secret sauce. I think it's your job. The governor's used when they would floss. Look, I've had a lot of good weeks in the joke off this comeback. This is not going to be one of them. I don't know how to tell you. The world's on fire.

It's fine. How about yours? That's the way I like it. And I never get bored. Hey, now. It's Cone Zone. It's Zone On. Get cones.

All that glitters is cones. It's a fucking zone full of cones. Thanks to a new law, jaywalking is now legal in New York City. Saying please and thank you, still a crime. Huh? They're rude, those New Yorkers. Hey, oh. How did you skip over the verse where it says,

it's a cool place, but they say it gets cooler, in the song about ice cream? We thought maybe we'd do some jokes we wrote instead of sing All Star. I'm sure we've done nine times on this show. All right. I'll do a better joke. A man who suffered a gruesome discount illegal beard transplant has taken his own life.

But that was more about him being 5'6". I think I missed it. He's just probably short. I'm shorter than that, so I didn't copy you. I tried to pick a height that was offensive to both of you. Well done. I'm taller than that height. You are not.

I'm 5'7". We've had this fight a thousand times. Yeah, what are you talking about? Because I'm 5'5", and we're almost the same height. You're a little taller than me. But every time we talk about height, you make yourself a little taller. I've been 5'7'' since I was 8th grade. almost the same height. You're a little taller than me. But every time we talk about height, you make yourself a little taller because you can't handle it. I've been 5'7 since I was 8th grade.

We were both 5'5 when we first started talking about our height. I was never 5'5. You said 5'8 before. You guys are both very tall. Shut up, Orr. I just saw the doctor and I'm 5'7. And the doctor said,

Today's leading scientist is fucking Cone Tom. Fuck me. Alright. A Texas musician went viral for posting an ad looking for a 70-year-old drummer for a heavy metal chapel-roan cover band. They need a senior citizen to play their version of Hot to Go Into the Light, Grandpa.

Everyone loves you. It's okay to let go. Okay. version of hot to go into the light grandpa everyone loves you it's okay to let go okay i'm gonna need your guys's participation on this just if you see where it's going okay how hard was he not that but How dead was the toddler? Have you guys heard about this one? Hackers demand Francis Snyder's electric pay $125,000 ransom in baguettes. I've heard of bringing home

the bread, but say it with me, guys. This is ridiculous! Oh, wait. Countdown again. I missed it. Have you guys heard about this? Hackers demand this. This is ridiculous. You've also done a thing that I love when guests do,

where I can tell you you didn't have time to write this setup, so you're just reading the headline. I have 100%. Oh, no, they're wrong. I just find it funny. I'm 5'7". A baffled cone composing hallelujah. The winner of the Bat Beauty Contest.

This is a couple. Remember last week I talked about that Bat Beauty Contest? Yeah, the Bat AIDS. Yeah, well, fucking, I looked up the results. Who won? Someone named Horry Potter. A bat named Horry Potter. Okay.

Wow, I wonder if she slept with the judges. Wait, I bet she slept with them upside down. In this day and age, I don't condone slut-shaming bats, Tom. Was that slut-shaming? Don't you appreciate their guano? When she hears you shaming bats, she goes, na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Was the bat's name actually Horry Potter?

Yes. Spelled like how we think? No, there's a Horry bat, but it's spelled H-O-A. That's on me for not knowing enough bat words. Yeah, you know, as a joke writer, if you don't know the common genuses and species of bats, you're sort of a fuck-up loser. You'd probably fucking kill yourself.

I'm never bringing you guys ice cream again. No. A man died after sitting on a lit box of fireworks to win a bet. On the plus side, homie saved a fortune on the cremation. Because he burned alive. Oh, did someone say cream? Putting the cream in cremation. But this...

Okay. I think my last one's bad. Oh,. But this... Okay. I think my last one's bad. Oh, here it is. Okay. Pizza Hut aims to support your job search with the launch of Rezames, a pizza box that doubles as a resume. What?

Oh my god. I think that's a cute way to encourage you to apply by subtly letting you know they don't drug test. Rizame is so bad. Pizza? It sounds like... I honestly didn't get it until you did that.

I'm surprised that's not something I've heard in the context of like, hi, I'm your barista, Rizame. No, it's referring to a fresh slice of Zaha. Yeah. How all the cool kids say it. In a cartoon from 1993. Probably, sure. I'm applying it to Zaha, buddy.

And just the whole conceit of like, we made shilling the man fun. All right. Give your boss stuff. Yeah. We already wrapped it for you. Who needs health benefits when your crust is stuffed? Our crust is stuffed now.

Florida. You know. Florida. Yeah. Big America penis. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Suck on that Florida. Yeah. Yeah. Big America penis. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Suck on that thing. Spit on. Yeah. God just spat on that thing. Haley Welch, god of weather, decided he was retired. Oh, that was better than what I wrote.

Have you seen how Haley Welch spells Haley? It's fucking insane. Isn't it like H-I-A-L-Y or something? H-A-L-I-E-Y? Get the fuck out of here. There are laws to vowels. Like, that's the one thing I think. That's not true.

White people are never allowed to make fun of black people names. That bit is, we lost that one with Hayley Welch. Sorry, Tom. Yeah, I don't know who that is. Anyway, Florida. Didn't you just reference her? It's the Hoctua girl. Oh, yeah. I just thought she was Hoctua. I know she know who that is. Anyway, Florida. Didn't you just reference her? It's the Hoctua girl. Oh, yeah.

I just thought she was Hoctua. I know she had a different name. Women have names, Tom. If she was a kind of bat, he would have known. Dick spitters. She's not something important like a general from a thousand years ago or a bat. She is in today's America. All right.

So anyway, Florida's infamous killer clown was released from prison. The clown served 12 years in prison for murder and five years for being an unoriginal hack. Well, at least it wasn't five minutes long. I think you guys did. All right, I'm going to do it again so i do agree i saw the story but the audacity of being that's the killer clown yeah it's like i never heard of this motherfucker until now yeah it was a lady it was a lady it's a lady clown yeah oh whoa why

are most clowns ladies these days that's like when there's a girl talking about crypto that's just i don't want to cut you off, but we can't just let him say that sentence. Wait, what'd you say? All the clowns I've met are ladies. No, what he said is, why are most clowns ladies these days? Like fucking Andy Rooney after he got kicked by a donkey.

How many male clowns do you know, Nicole? Three, I think. Kevin, put that bass guitar down, you son of a bitch. She's using humor to deflect from a great point I'm trying to make. Obviously. What kind of podcast is this? I don't know that I know any clowns.

All right, so that means zero. That's zero bail clouds. Except maybe Jamar. Yeah, he clowns. A man found a $20 bill on the ground. Put the one from God. We'll be right back. Give me a sampler platter and a table for one.

It's Monday night. I'm going to have some fun. 20 mojitos, the bold ass call. I'm the baddest motherfucker in the whole strip mall. Drink myself to death at Chili's tonight I drink myself to death at Chili's tonight You go to Applebee's like a good girl oughta I do the devil's work at Chili's with a colada

Share and take my order, make a minimum wage It's Margarita Monday, baby! Let's fucking rage! Drink myself to death at Chili's tonight. Let's drink ourselves to death at Chili's tonight. I'm gonna leave until I have a fucking heart attack Bury me with a margarita When I get to hell, I'm gonna sizzle

just like fajitas. Finish my El Presidente while I piss my pants. There's one more thing that I need sharing, and I ain't talking about a side of rags. I want my baby, want my baby, want my baby back. I want my

baby, want my baby, want my baby back. I want my baby, want my baby, want my baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back. I want my baby back. Drink myself to death. That chili's tonight. Sorry, Sharon. I shit in the boot.

That chili's tonight. All right, well, as our contestants don their blindfolds, welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast, and it's time to name that smell. Part of the problem with this is now I have to hold the microphone to know where the microphone is. I don't know where it is. Okay, here it is. I know, I have to keep grazing it with my lips. This is i know i have to like kind of keep grazing it with my lips this is going to be a little bit of an experiment an adventure for us

this is a bit that dates back uh to keith and i's late night talk show right in days uh and we actually did this bit on a test show of lights out with david spade where uh long story short keith ended up in a big plexiglass box covered in honey, I think, right? I believe it was maple syrup. Maple syrup. And then Comedy Central immediately went, oh, we'll not be doing that ever again. So this is like the $50 version of the bit. Not the $5,000 custom box and gallons of syrup version.

We're going to cover Keith in syrup. Let's get out of my fucking horny dream journal. By the way, for the listening audience, if you don't already know, the show's on YouTube now. And this might be kind of a visual bit, so you might want to pop over there and check out the video. You should do it in general. We've been doing a lot of cool video stuff on the full episodes. Can I wait to blindfold myself until it's time? Yeah, well, I guess the smells just were out right now.

I didn't see them. I'll refold. Yeah, I'll put them out right now. I didn't see them. I'll refold. Yeah, I'll put them out right now. This is our first smell. I'm going to shake this one around. How traumatizing are these smells? Nice and activated. It's like stuff from the grocery store.

It won't be that gross. I'm putting these in front of you. I'm popping the little seal. You know what I just realized? This smell is a... Oh, what? Bacon soda! I got bacon soda!

It's Ray Charles in the soundboard. Oh, no. Why'd. I got bacon soda. Tom is Ray Charles-ing the soundboard. Oh, no. Why did we give him that jam? So this first smell is a mixture, and your clue is sweet, sweet money. We've got a little cup in front of you. You can hold it up to your nose, smell it, try to figure out what you're smelling. Oh, yeah, I have the cups in front of you. I guess you guys are blindfolded. Yeah, it's right

there. Yeah, Tom. Yeah, you smell that. Sweet, sweet money. It's a mixture, two solids. Are they like, I don't know if this is too much of a clue. Are they solids that make sense together or is it just two random fucking things? It could be anything. Should I unwrap

it? No, I just had that stuff to pack it for the drive. I popped the seal so you can smell through, you know. What the fuck is that? It's two things. I'm going to undo it. I can't smell it. It's not very strong. Yeah, it's one of the weaker smells.

Okay. Sweet, sweet money. I can't smell it at all. I feel like it's some kind of vegetable. I think there's change in here. Oh. I think there's change in there. I know, I have to shake it.

Any other guesses? I'm going to say, I'm going to say this is like a lazy guess, but I'm going to say it's pennies and sugar. Okay. Tom? I'm going to say coins and honey. Coins and honey. Nicole? Honey is in a solid.

Okay. Oh, it's a solid? Yeah. Yeah, two solids. It's a mixture. Well, then let me rethink. Pennies and frozen honey. Pennies and really old honey, yeah.

Nichols and parsley. Everybody close. That was Skittles and pennies, if you want to take a look, guys. You were much closer. This stems from a time when my science teacher, Mr. Armand Dias, Mr. Armand Dias, Mr. Armand Dias would like fucking ramble on forever and then he would say

something really crazy and you would realize you had no idea what he, he was talking for 10 minutes one time and he just goes, and that's why your poop is brown. And I still,

20 years later, I have no idea where my poop is brown. And then you found out that guy didn't even work. Yeah. And he was explaining the difference between

a mixture and a solution one day and he's like, and a mixture is like a bowl of Skittles and pennies. Brown Skittle fucking is such a bold choice. I know it's supposed to be purple, but it looks brown. You're going to eat it? And now it's like penny colored in flavor. That tastes like period pussy.

Period pussy Skittles. Fucking get yelled at by the rainbow. That's disgusting. All right, are you guys ready? That's why I said it. You guys ready for round number two? Let's fucking party, dude. No, you eating it. It's covered in change.

Yeah, I know. That's why I did it. It's moderately amusing. All right, this... What the who? I don't know if the viewing audience is still there. This bandana is really making me realize how fucked up my nose is, because one side is way tighter on this eye, and it's all loose on this side.

So yeah, one of the... You're not going to believe this, but we're bitching and complaining about every element of this thing you objectively worked very hard on. Tom looks like some kind of weird 80s aerobics karate kid with that thing on his face. Let's keep it rocking, because Nicole's got a... Yeah, yeah. So this one is a little bit overfilled. Especially after this. There's your cup, Nicole.

Here is... Oh, God. Wow, that's strong. Can you just pop it in my hands? Yeah, that's... There you go. Oh, that feels weird. And this one, yeah, like I said, the... And it has a little hole in it like that. That smells like a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise,

but it's too small to be that. I just touched something wet by accident. I'm not a fucking huge fan of that. It's a little damp, but it's not, you know, period blood or anything. I'm sorry. This was all, you know, I'm doing this out of a cardboard box here, gang.

Oh, yes, your categories. Yes. Two things that come in jars, and your hint is pregnancy vibes. Oh, I know what it is. Pickles and mayonnaise. Pickles and peanut butter. Tom?

Let me re-smell. Although, I'll admit, I'm basing that off the pickles and the smell, and then the other one, I'm just guessing off the clue. Fuck. Okay, because originally I was going to say tuna salad and that's so far from what you guys said. Can you get that in the jar? Maybe you can. I'm going to say tuna salad and peanut butter.

Alright, lift up your blindfolds. That is pickle juice and peanut butter. Keith, two for two, the bloodhound of the Mean Boys podcast. That is not tuna salad. Can I smell? An astute riff.

Remember there was one? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. That smells like dead pussy. What is that? It smells bad. After it bleeds out.

Yeah, there you go. Well, I was making this game, and I was like, I don't want to make anything that's so horrible. you guys don't want to be my fucking friend after but i still want it to be funny and yeah that's i think that's about the line there all right nicole with this like jacket and this headband pulled up like this you look like a russian woman who's about to sell their daughter for their freedom you do kind of like from like the lady from your joke like you respond to ad on Facebook Marketplace. I trade you lately used air conditioner.

It's a good deal. Well, we will. You're a doctor now. Everybody not from USA is a bore-et. I do look like a sketchy character. We ready for round number three? A disreputable sort, as it were. All right.

I have blinded myself. Tom has blinded himself. I'm going to shake these up a little bit, make sure the smell activates. So there's Nicole. Okay. This smell. I hate that. I hate that.

I don't like that at all. This smell is two things that come in squeezy bottles. Okay. And your clue is black and yellow, black and yellow. Mustard? Where is... Are you giving me a cup, bud? Oh, sorry.

Yeah, there you go. There you go. Hey, Tom, there you go. There's your cup. So two squeezy bottles, black and yellow. Yep. Mustard and chocolate sauce. Nicole. Mustard and chocolate sauce. Nicole is saying mustard and chocolate sauce.

Actually, hang on. I just feel it more than I smell it, but it keeps getting on my nose. Yeah, let me smell this. What is it? Actually, I think Nicole is right. That smells like getting molested. That is the way. I would say black licorice and mustard.

Or no, horseradish. Horseradish and mustard. You guys are both saying chocolate. If we've learned anything from this game, it's that Tom doesn't know what container stuff comes in. You know black licorice, that thing that comes out of a sweet bottle. Yeah, strawberries.

You get them in a wooden crate. Licorice is goo. Cones are fudge. There are no laws. Only cream. I would say relish and mustard. Well, everybody knows Skittles coming in a tennis ball tube.

Everybody lift up your blindfolds. That was mustard and chocolate syrup. Fucking good work. Hell yeah. Gross as fuck. Yucky shit. You guys are doing it. Climbing through. Hell yeah. Gross as fuck. Yucky shit. You guys are doing it. Climbing through.

Naming. I'm 0 and 3. You guys are doing what everyone thought that you would be too afraid to do, which is naming smells. Nobody thought we could do it because nobody knew

we were doing it. You guys are smelling objects and identifying them. I've been able to identify shit so far. Well, good news for what the next one is. I wasn't really talking about you, Tom,

but, you know, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm here too. We're going to look under our blindfolds on the video later and Tom is putting the cup up to his ear. Connor, you got a cup for me? Okay, this cup is falling apart. Don't give me that one.

I would also not like it. Yeah. Okay, yeah, I'm going to deal with that cup. Just to be very, whichever one's sloppiest and overflowing, give to blindfolded Tom sitting on top of the electrical panel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of digging being blind. Yeah? Yeah. It's like... digging being blind. Yeah?

Yeah. It's like... Do you feel like your other senses are heightened? No, I just feel less pressure. Yeah, I give less of a shit about everything when I'm blind. I like it. This is very wet. All right, if somebody could make me a Photoshop of Tom...

That's gross. ...of Tom with the blindfold on and the Daredevil costume, and it says, DER-DEVIL. Alright guys, be very careful with these cups. Okay. Sorry I wasn't talking under the mic for all that. Be careful with these cups.

Your clue here, this is two common liquids and your clue is white Colombian. Cocaine and coffee. It's cocaine. The podcast is going to go for four hours. We're doing it and I'm talking about Bitcoin the entire time.

White Colombian. Yeah, two common liquids. Okay. Coffee and bleach. Okay, Nicole's saying coffee and bleach. I definitely picked up bleach. Coffee would have been my guess on just fucking context clues. So that's my guess as well. I'm going to say bleach and hand sanitizer.

That was coffee and bleach, guys. Really? Nicole, you can't guess this. Thank you. Yeah. It has this weird jizzy look to it. Oh, God. I hate that I looked at that.

Nice. Yeah. We got to get all this stuff the fuck out of here when we're done with this. Oh, God, I hate that I looked at that. Yeah, we're going to get all this stuff the fuck out of here when we're done with this. Yeah, we do. We only have one more round. Once more unto the breach, dear friends. This one is much more innocuous, much less messy. This is

the final fucking smell. Can you name... I think Keith and Nicole are almost... It's the final smell-ution. Alright, the clue isution. All right. The clue is no more chews. And yeah, why not add an element of that into things? Final smellution. I don't agree with that.

I think the chews are lovely. I didn't say it because... It's a bit. Yeah, Jesus, Keith. Why did you make it anti-Semitic? So the category is something for you... I'm Why did you make it anti-Semitic? So the category is something for you. I'm blinded and heightened my anti-Semitism. You're like the daredevil

of hating Jews. You're the dare white devil. Something for your lips and something for your stomach. And the clue is the bees V's. Okay. Okay, it's Burt's bees, chav stick, and something else. It's something for your lips and something for your stomach? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to say cumes, Chavstick, and something else. It's something for your lips and something for your stomach?

Yeah. Okay, I'm going to say cum and cum. Can you put it in my hand? Oh, sorry. You just had your hand out for like five minutes. My bad. All right. All right.

Give me all that intel one more time. I'm sorry. Something for your lips and something for your stomach. Clue is the Bees Vs. It's the Burt's Bees, Chavstick, and a York Peppermint Patty. Okay. Vicks Vaporub and honey. That's what my Mexican girlfriend's grandma used to make her eat to cure a cold. Keith.

I'm going to say Burt's Bees and the Bees V's. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to say Burt's Bees and Vaporub as well that was Burt's Bees and Apple Cider Vinegar when I realized I was one thing short and had to steal something from our kitchen my secret this game was just

repeat what Nicole said yeah yeah Nicole's got the fucking the nose to beat I have no sense of smell but you do look like repeat what Nicole said. Yeah, Nicole's got the fucking nose to beat. I have no sense of smell. But you do look like you're in the show Cobra Kai with the headband. I like that we huffed bleach on the show today. That was cool.

Yeah, I was trying to keep the bleach huffing to a minimum. I'm going to tell you what I was worried about happening. I was waiting with my hand. I'm like, at some point he's going to put a bottle of poppers in my hand. I thought I was going to get hornswoggled. No, I thought about it, but I was like, yeah, 20 bucks, fuck it. Me and Tom look like we're going to do

the Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter, but with the sour cream gun from Taco Bell. Crunch them out. That was fun. Yeah, I feel bad, because I could have participated in more riffs and guesses if I had a sense of smell. These all smell insane.

Yeah. I could barely smell most of them. Maybe I feel like I made the clues too easy. I just didn't want to give you guys no hope. They weren't too easy. I just didn't get any right. We got to get Nicole out of here. I'm just too good.

Nicole and her fucking bloodhound nose have to go talk about her problems. Nicole, where can they find you? At Nicole B. Cannon on everything. B-E-C-A-N-N-O-N. And I missed you guys. And I missed you guys. And I missed all of this. Yeah, this is great. Okay, I'm going to go.

Cool. It's time to let you be the judge. After we deliver some late-breaking election news, guys, it's just come across my desk here. It looks like Donald Trump has won the popular vote and the Electoral College. He'll be the next president of the United States. We here at the Mean Boys Podcast

would like to congratulate Mr. Trump and send our warm condolences to his opponent, Commander Herridge? Mr. Trump, and send our warm condolences to his opponent, Commander Herridge? Well, we hope Mr. Herridge enjoys his

post-candidate life. This game is called You Be the Judge, where I'm going to tell you guys about a crime that happened and we, not some phony baloney system of laws, we, the mean boys, the people who really know what's going on, are going to decide what their punishment should be. The last unfucked court in the land. It kind of looks like I have a mustache made out of microphones.

Yes, it does. We're creating another classic Tom scenario where we here like i've crafted a game and he goes counterpoint i have two items so that'll be that'll be my whole fucking deal i like it hey i made scumbag jeffery it took me nine hours tom you look like a shitty walrus dude oh yes Oh, yes. How can I somehow not hear you out of either microphone? I'm Walrus Tom. I literally cannot hear you, Tom. I can't hear anything.

Oh, wait. Can you hear now? Yes. Yeah, Tom, you look like a fucking, like the president of a biker gang giving a press conference. What's my biker impression? So you got like 20 more minutes of this or should i start the better this is a first draft mad max villain from a movie they scrapped old two mites yes witness the glory of primordius flub it actually kind of feels nice on my mustache. Behold, sweaty and thick, he rides through the waste of that.

He's friends with Scroobius Pip and Salacious Crumb. And all the other hilariously named characters. All right, let's get into our first story here. Canadian police are asking for help finding a man wanted for a, quote, stunning act of shoplifting. The man entered a pharmacy, walked to the candy aisle, and started dumping crates of gum into a garbage bag. He stashed the bag in a cab waiting outside, only to return for a second bag of gum

before jetting off in the same taxi. Neither customers nor employees noticed anything. He walked off with over $1,500 worth of gum, and by my arithmetic, he won't shit it all out for another 6,000 years. I know we just did a bit on the show about how it only takes three days to shit out gum, but shut up. So, what do we think? Is there even a market for this score, or has the chewing gum bubble burst? Should he be locked away in a cell to chew on his misdeeds?

Or is it better to not have this guy gumming up the justice system? You be the judge. This is a confounding energy that's come to the show today. Interesting. I have to point out, which is, Connor decided to show up with full TV mode and actually be super professional. Tom is going full the other direction. No, I'm not.

This is the shoulder angel and devil of Mike. I'm twiddling my mustache. Comedic instinct. I'll just eat the fucking penny skittles and I'll be fine. Guys, stop eating those penny skittles. Okay, first of all use one microphone. Make a cone.

Don't pick and choose social norms. Okay. The fucking Canadian guy stole gum. Is that the conceit? It's like having gum put in at the camera. Tom was like, $400 microphone that holds itself? $25 microphone that I have to hold. I'm going to want to hold it.

Don't worry, I'll grip it at the loosest part. Oh, watch. Watch this. Full circle. Back to two microphones. It's like Hendrix playing behind his head. For the listening audience, thanks for turning this show off 25 minutes ago.

Yeah, really. Oh my God. Okay. So we're trying to figure out what a good punishment for this guy. I think the only move that I see for this is he knows a guy with a bodega four towns over, and he's like, hey, if I can get you two grand worth of...

He goes to this pharmacy to buy cigarettes, and he's like, nobody's looking at the gum. I think the word bodega is a little spicy for Canada. That is a corner store. It's a corner market. I went down to the junior market. Yeah, the fucking snackerdashery. It's a bodega. Did he?

Putting the A in bodega. Do they have ATMs that can give you out a bunch of coins, like a slot machine in Canada? I think it's like an ATM or something. They have paper money, too. They do, but I want like a bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. When I was in Japan. Like a slot machine? Yeah. From the 90s?

Yes. That's the thing he just said. With Ellen on it. I want Ellen on the ATM. Remember when I was't a cunt? Here's $4. There's this Seinfeld slot machine and it was all letters and symbols.

Here's an Elaine dancing and here's a J. It came up and it was all Kramers and KKKs across the board. I was like, Kramer, no! Don't do it, Kramer! Even in slot machine form, you can't help yourself.

He's a winner. You know what I just realized? Two mustaches. He's a winner, lover. Two microphones, mustache. And now, I'm Hitler. Who is this? Bacon soda.

I got bacon soda i got bacon soda um this is the most i've ever seen you climbing the escape pod from the concept of the show let's move on to our next story i judge i i have an actual judge okay i think you remember superman too how they put him in the fucking phantom zone like the big glass where they gotta float around which is weird because you said nobody remembered the Richard Donner Superman movies. Fucking deep callback. That's the pettiest

recitation or if you've ever made. For the record, did not plan that but I think he should be in one of those but made of like a bubble gum bubble situation. I'm glad I went back for this. I understand harboring resentments like this because I'm still thinking about how Tom would not recommend me for the forestry service

just because I lack any physical competence. You're not ranger material. I voted for you yesterday to be on the- Yesterday. Yesterday. I voted for both of you, by the way. And I guess you guys didn't win to be community college board trustee supervisors in Los Angeles County.

You were in a college school. I did. I have a picture of it. I'll send it to you. I'd vote for you for like Comptroller or something, but I would not recommend you to my cousin who actually has hiring power over the California forestry. Foley. You don't think I could like do a push up and like learn about wood? I'm incapable.

Not what... The stuff they do is fucking intense, man. I'm just not cut out for the forestry service, man. Yeah, yeah. You know how this feels to me, Tom? I'm a 31-year-old man, and I'm too much of a fucking loser to be in the forestry service. I actually think you're too old. You have to be in really insanely good shape to to uh

a guy can't even give up on his life anymore what is it what does it cost a hundred thousand dollars a year to be a hari krishna now like what am i supposed to do tom knows about the woods he has a denim shirt now and and a head thing dude this is like it feels like we've aged 50 years since the last segment now you're just like grizzled with a headband, like, man, the woods would eat you alive. I'm blind now, and I host the show like a samurai from an anime. A samurai from an anime. So here's a samurai. So I would like to...

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I would like to go to my judgery now. Okay. Georgia! All right. Georgia! Did you turn me oh no no all right so i saw your finger hit the thingy my whole day through okay so here's the thing he

did a hit he did a hit and run robbery stole fifteen thousand dollars gum, is what you said? $1,500. $1,500, okay. $15,000 in gum is all the gum there is. Gum has gotten more expensive. It's like $5 for a thing of Hubba Bubba. Gum's expensive, clowns are chicks, no wonder Trump won. When are you buying Hubba Bubba? Who are you molesting?

What do you do all day? What is your life? The price of Hubba Bubba is through the roof. No, I like Hubba Bubba? Who are you molesting? What do you do all day? What is your life? The price of Hubba Bubba is through the roof. No, I like Hubba Bubba, but it's too expensive now. Remember Hubba Bubba bubble tape? No. Hubba Bubba bubble tape? You don't know Hubba Bubba bubble tape?

No. Hubba Bubba bubble tape. Is that a real thing? Hubba Bubba bubble gum and Hubba Bubba bubble tape. Yeah, it was like it rolled out. It was like a tape measure, but made of gum. You could gross somebody with your fucking candy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that. It was like a tape measure, but made of gum. You could grope somebody with your fucking candy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember that. It wouldn't work very well. You could Tony Soprano a guy with your fucking gum. See, you got to do it with the nerds rope, so you can saw it through the wrist bones. It's serrated. Yeah. Serrated gum. So $1,500.

You had to judge me. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And the guy ran off. So I think we have a whole pack or carton of gum and running. The guy has to run a marathon, but everyone gets to chew up gum and spit it on the track before he has to run the race.

And whenever he loses a shoe to the gum, he has to restart. Canadian gum is extra strong in each shoe. Sisyphus. I was about to say that. I like this weird Sisyphus angle. Yeah, Sisyphus is gum. Sisyphus is hubba-bubba-bubba-tape.

Sisyphus is hubba-bubba-bubba-tape. That way you get a bunch of kids that chew gum. They love gum. Kids are happy. He's sad. You know what he's... Now do it into the other microphone. I'll sync him up. You know what he's going to be doing after all this time what's that could you imagine running 23 miles through gum i couldn't imagine running 23 miles period you

could imagine running it's kind of my joke but i made it better because it was for me imagine chewing how are we going to chew 23 miles worth of gum you get the whole community It's kind of my joke. But I made it better because it was for me. Imagine chewing. Tom, how are we going to chew 23 miles worth of gum? You get the whole community. This is community. You know how everyone has a garden together? It's like that, but this guy's gum bar. Like one of those limited release Jon Stewart movies about neoliberalism finally working out

for the small mountain town. Yeah, I think, yeah, in Canada, they got nothing to do. They get the whole city to chew some gum and they spit that would be that would be like a funny thing for the town to get to like everyone come down to the town square and shame old gummy the guy this is the canadian version of the death penalty give him a little hot and if you if you get it all done within a couple hours of him having to run it's gonna be be so fucking sticky. He's going to drown in guv, guys.

How do you like your life of crime now, sticky foot? I'm imagining a Royal Mountie explaining this whole convoluted plan to a mob while the guy is just walking away. And I'm saying you're nothing but a gum bum, Andy. Gum bum. Gum bum. In one of the biggest shockers of all time

in one of the biggest shockers I'm shocked in one of the biggest shockers I'm shocked already in one of the biggest shockers which hole did the two go in and which one does the one go in in one of the biggest shockers of all time,

police were called to a domestic violence dispute at Bahama Bucks Snow Cones in Phoenix. For 19 years, Bahama Bucks has been a pillar of family fun in the greater Maricopa County area, and we here at the Mean Boys podcast are disgusted to hear that the stain of violence has solidified an establishment from our cone zone to yours. Solidarity. 28 year old Victoria.

The cone zone is pro domestic violence. Please continue. Solidarity. Cone zone. We didn't see nothing. 20 year old, 28 year old Victoria J called police to tell them her husband kidnapped their two children and took them to Bahama Bucks, something

no kidnapper would ever do because Bahama Bucks Shaved Ice Company is a pure and wholesome place of family, fun, and joy, and to sickos, it is invisible. Upon arrival, her husband told the cops that it was in fact his wife who kidnapped the kids, at which point he did the only logical thing and took

them to Bahama Bucks, the only shaved ice phoenix with snow cones so magical the reverse childhood trauma his psychotic cunt bahama bucks hating shaved ice disrespecting whore of a wife then showed up and ripped his cool ass hearing out my only question is this when and where do we kill the bitch of bahama bucks i mean. This is a fucking snow cone business. I think I've lost. What did you just say? You just said 9,000 words, and I don't know which one of them were real.

I don't know. Just cliff note it for me. Yeah, this... A short one. No, no, no. I want to know the same guy's story. I am intrigued. I just got lost.

Who abused who? I actually don't even remember. Good thing you crumpled it up already. I'm not trying to shit on your brain here. I'm just... Yeah, I also need clarity. So, she kidnapped her own kids. I'm not saying it's good.

Unless you did the domestic violence, it's not about it being good or bad. I just need saying it's good. Unless you did the domestic violence, it's not about it being good or bad. I just need to know what happened. Wrote this bad bit about loving Bahama bucks for some reason. A business I've never heard of or been to. I enjoyed it. Who hurt who with the goddamn Bahama bucks?

I'm trying to figure it out. You wrote it! I know. What the fuck? Upon arrival, her husband called it. Yeah, okay. So this woman called the cops on her husband and said that he kidnapped the kids, but his wife actually kidnapped the kids, and she ripped his...

He had, like, an earring. She ripped his earring out. Okay. She's been arrested. Yeah, shoot her in the face. Shoot her right in the fucking mouth of the gun. It's not my best week, folks.

You're carrying the fucking show this week. I think for this, now the kids get to be the parents. Okay. Honestly, I would love to see that with redneck, or just trashy couples in general.

Just like, might as well. Yeah. Dr. Seuss it. The kids are now the mom. The mom is now the kid. And the dad is the dog. The dad will be removed from the situation before it gets creepy. Yeah.

We have no real solutions for broken families or domestic violence in this country. So I don't know. Let's make a Disney Channel movie. Yeah. Oh, she has to swallow the earring. Okay. Is Bahama Bucks anything else, or is it just a snow cone place? I think they also do human trafficking.

Weirdly not from the Bahamas, though. No, no, no. It's like how Iceland doesn't actually have ice. It's like kids from, like, Mormon kids who did drugs and, like, couldn't take care of their baby. Okay. All right, guys. This round will be better.

I've heard of a home invasion. But a gnome invasion? Ooh. Well, that's kind of what this is. Did we just sync it up? A Rancho El Dorado woman spray-painted a home's ring doorbell, tried unsuccessfully to break in through the living room window failed to burst into the car in the driveway and in the end just said fuck it and walked away with a garden gnome talk about a gnome invasion when cops found her a few miles

down the road with a can of spray paint and a garden gnome she told the fuzz i let somebody borrow my clothes man thankfully that was her defense yep yes yes it was thankfully no one was gnome at the time of the break-in or should i say gnome invasion the situation is under review with the gnome owners association and now here on the mean boys podcast what do we do with this gnome invader you fucking nomosexual um i get out of my fucking gnome You won't. Get out of my fucking gnome. There is no gnome for you here. You guys keep pushing this, and gnome means gnome, guys.

We got to stop. So she tried to steal a bunch of shit, ended up just stealing the gnome. Yes, yes. She tried to get into the house, tried to get into the car. I know at the end of the day, there are a lot of stories out there that dwarf this gnome story. That's racist. Those are different things. Gimli from

Lord of the Rings is racist? No, but he's a dwarf, not a gnome. Those are different races. That would be like if you read a story about a Korean guy and then did a bunch of jokes about sushi. I think they're a little different. No, they're exactly the same. I think they're slightly different.

They're exactly the same. Personally. No, they're fully the same. I'm going to go get that. Doors can't make sushi. I'm going to go get that. How do you know that? That cannot be in the Silmarillion.

It is. Silmarillion sounds like a kind of tuna you can only get off the coast of the river. The race of men who craved power and the race of dwarves who couldn't fuck with Ro. I'm gonna go get that bleach coffee from the trash. There you go. I just couldn't believe that there was a King of the Hill episode

that came true. Oh yeah, fucking... Garden Gnome Caper. Yeah. I never saw him with uni you know there you go gimley never fucked with uni the eel no it's urchin wow well fuck me uh steve urchin i thought it was steve merchant no steve Steve Urchin. Is it really? What? Stevan Urchel. You guys are doing like three different bits.

And this is like the Tower of Babel of comedy. Like we have lost the ability to communicate. I'm doing some kind of underwater Urkel thing. I thought you were Steve Irwin. I think he's thinking of Stephen Merchant for some reason. You're doing Urkel. And we're all wearing headbands. I forgot about that part.

The show is sponsored by Bahama Bucks. She has to spend two weeks as their own. And you said Trump would be good for comedy. For two weeks, she has to be that house's garden gnome. She has to stay still. Every time she moves her feet, a day gets added. There will be some sort of feeding tube that will be given to her. She's in the feeding tube?

I mean, yeah. She doesn't die. Two weeks is a long time. She can't just eat a sandwich while she's standing out there? No, gnomes don't eat sandwiches. Gnomes are not generally on fucking respirators. We should give her gnome food. Like an upside down mushroom cap

full of tea. A dead pixie or whatever. Yeah, but she has to be their garden gnome. I like that. That's a good punishment for crimes even unrelated to fucking take a guy's bike, you gotta be his garden gnome. It's kind of like a cuter

version of the stocks. But it's like for every level of crime. So it's like if you steal a butt, if you're the gum guy from earlier, you have to be that store's garden gnome. But if you're Diddy, you just have to go be like 400 people's garden gnome. Donald Trump is just like, I will not become a garden gnome after this presidential run. I'm facing 400 cases of garden gnome related sex crimes. How great would it be if the judge was like, Mrrie i'm gonna offer you a choice now i can send this man to a federal penitentiary for one to two years or i can send him to your front lawn for five

you know i'm gonna take yard slavery just fucking smoking a cigarette drinking coffee putting your feet up on your garden though Did you call it art slavery? I said yard slavery. Oh, art slavery is pretty funny to me, as I said. He just stared at him and was like, look whimsical. My sense of whimsy is not tickled, fuckface.

What's your gnome name, Mr. Poopy Pet? This kid goes full roots. What do you do? I poop my pants. Your name is Fluffernutter. What's my name? Tall Daddy. Tall Daddy is the god of the known.

He's 5'6", the tallest man ever. We pray to Tall Daddy that he will bless us with gumdrop kisses from above. No such luck, bitch! Tall Daddy's on a rampage! Bah! Tall Daddy is to be sacrificed another virgin! I know this is not... Those are fucked up. This is not related to anything we've said, but I have a song stuck in my head.

Hit me. John Bonet Ramsey is dead. It's been stuck in my head for like 15 minutes. There's no follow-up. It's just been in my head. John Bonet Ramsey is dead. Her brother probably did it, but we're in denial about it as a culture because we love to fear.

That's all. No, no, no, no, no, no. I already gave my answer. No, no, no, no. I don't think I can top a fucking gnome in the yard. That's really good. Hey, con man. Lethal injection.

I'm going to move this painting. A hole gets knocked and it was a bad place to hang it. That's on me. Sorry. Come on, man. Nice garden gnome. Yeah, motherfucker tried to steal my identity. What a dick.

Oh, if someone tries to steal your identity, their punishment should actually have it to be you for a couple of weeks. Wow, this guy has no friends. Fuck. He's got a fucking 12 credit score. I've heard of a home invasion, but a gnome invasion? I'll fucking kill you.

51-year-old Forrest J. Turner chased two women through a parking lot before being sprayed with incesticide, making him literally and figuratively

a sex pest. Turner was acting erratically according to the two women. He called them witches and they said, go away. Point the two girls. So, shout out to these two girls, and to Incesticide for not only being an effective deterrent to

creeps, but also a really good Nirvana album. What do we do with old Poison Breath over here? I mean, I would say spray him with bug spray, but it feels like they got there. I feel like, I don't know, chasing women through the parking lot. It's bad. Spray with bug spray twice. I'm not saying we chop women through the parking lot. It's bad. Spray with bug spray twice. I'm not saying we chop off his fingers.

Yeah. I mean, that would help. Yeah, I guess those are for, you know, diddling fingers. Yeah, you don't diddle with a palm. Although, look out, it stumps the pervert. Some guy with a little chicken wing. Yeah, here I come. I'm going to rub them on you.

Rub-a-duh-duh. He's got them both around one titty. Who's ready to be the hand version of Gummed? I was also thinking about how perverted the word phalanges just sound. Like, I'm going to use my phalanges. Touching her with my phalanges. My man tentacles. My man tentacles.

Oh. I think we put them in a labyrinth. Okay. All right. Explain your logic. And you put them in a labyrinth with 100 women. Okay. Okay.

10 of those women have nothing. 85 of those women... Only tell lies. ...have bug spray. Okay. Five of those women have instructions out of the maze. Okay. I like this. I don't know what it is but i i think it'd be a

pretty good uh cube movie so your but your punishment for this man is we should kill 95 women they have they have the bug spray okay i understand that but if they don't know how to get out of the labyrinth no the the women or the guy the women no dude it's like a totally chill labyrinth for chicks they got like fucking like barbara kingsolver they won't stop fucking talking they're more like a gabberinth let me finish now he has to go through the labyrinth okay and when he comes across the women he doesn't know if nothing will happen, he will get poisoned, or will get instructions out of the maze, which will teach him to treat all women respectfully, because he does know not what will hurt him and which will help him,

which will hinder him and which will destroy him. But if you want to make ice cream, my friend. This is not as crispy as your garden no my dm you don't want to see a sex pervert go through a maze of women armed with pesticides i don't okay i don't want to get too grim about it but here's the problem with your logic is like how many of the women have all of them but but five. You said... Oh, technically ten. You said 85 of them have pest spray. Yes. 85 to 100 is 15.

Neither of the numbers you just said. Sure. I said the right one first. You should have been listening. If you add the two things you said together, they become 15. Every fucking show, we're like seven and four is 11 we're going the point is like i don't know he's just gonna like he better hope one of the first girls he walks across isn't one of the rapable one does he can he just not rape anybody in the labyrinth he's not

going in there to rape them what are you talking about that's the way like i don't know then don't when does david bowie kill him he He needs to go in there with respect. He must learn the ways of respect towards women. I have a pitch on Tom's pitch to maybe streamline it a bit. We trap him in one of those Japanese dating simulator video games and he cannot leave until he beats it

with a perfect score. Until he learns social skills in the simulation. No, I want him poisoned by women. He'll be poisoned by their rejection over and over in the screens of Tanky Ami. Does he get bug-maced? Wait, what?

Okay. Oh, Labyrinth Master. Let's role-play here. I think it's going to be easier to just act this out than to try and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. Who am I? Let's roll play here. Let's roll play. I think it's going to be easier to just act this out than to try and... Let's roll play? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

All right. Who am I? Tom, you're... I want to be the labyrinth. You're a woman, and I'm Stumps the pervert. Yes. You guys are inside me because I'm a labyrinth. Me and my fish smelling ankles, hand ankles, wrists, are coming into the labyrinth.

Did you just call them ankles? Like you have cankles on your arms? You fat fuck. Hey, dude, you're leaving my name Hankles out of this. It really rankles my ankles. You fucking Hankle rankler. I'll tell you what, that Hankles my rankles. Dude, I can't believe Nicole is not here for this.

Okay, I'm Stumps the Per wrinkles. Dude, I can't believe Nicole is not here for this. Okay. I'm Stumps the Pervert. Okay. I have no hands and a history. That was a serious recent. Okay. I'm Stumps the Pervert. You're a lady in the labyrinth, right?

So I'm walking in this labyrinth. Do I know the conceit of this punishment? No. Okay. Well, I'm in a labyrinth. Okay. So even without being told, I know that this is not my normal molesting practice. Sure.

Okay. So I see you, a woman. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff. This ain't the GameStop parking lot. Okay. Are you one of the women with the bug spray or one of the ones without? Full of your stumps. How would you know?

Because you need to know what you would do, you jack off. I don't know what point you're trying to make. You're right. All right, let's say I have the... Connor. You've been kicked out of your own pit. Connor, you're the lady. Okay.

Okay. I'm a lady. You're a lady who has bug spray. Okay. So I walk up. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm so sorry. How do I get out of this labyrinth?

What are you doing here? I'm not totally sure. If you don't want me to ask you, where are we? Okay. All right. Already Connor did it wrong. This is what I was getting to. Do you have to bug spray me if you're one of the bugs?

No, no, no, no. You go up, and if you're being normal, you don't get sprayed. But the second you're like, oh, you can't help me? Give me some of that clam. That's when you get attacked. I just don't think there's any chance of him getting it. I mean, I don't know. I guess maybe.

You don't think the guy who's groping in the parking lot is going to be not groping in a labyrinth? I think you're under... The labyrinth is a parking lot with more walls. I think you're really underselling how jarring you and me... Well, that's not fucking steamroll over an excellent point. I just think you're underselling. If I was going to make a labyrinth and I had a parking lot, I'd be like, I'm pretty much all the way there.

You're underselling how jarring it would be to not be in a labyrinth and then all of a sudden wake up in a labyrinth and not be told why that's happened. Where are they in the labyrinth? 8A, 12B, 4C? Let's imagine. Look, I love food, right? be told why that's happened where are they in the labyrinth 8a 12b 4c you're you're really let's imagine look i love food right okay i love food he's got the hangles to prove it let's say i'm really hungry right and i'm like i want to go to fucking burger king all i want is a whopper today and then all of a sudden i black out and i come to in a fucking labyrinth the whopper is no longer

my biggest concern really because you'll still be hungry. If I walk up to somebody, my first question will not be, yo, fam, you know where I can find a whopper around these parts? It will be, hey, what's up with this labyrinth? Well, because whenever Keith asks that question, we know it's always followed by a zip. You don't think a sexual predator in the seclusion in their head of a labyrinth

would not get all fiddle fingers with some lady? If I say yes, do you win? Can this be over? I've already won. Old fiddle fingers are serving time for a guard gnome invasion. Guys, Secret Labyrinth

Squid Game sexual harassment training is a good idea and... We have an episode titled Secret Labyrinth Squid Game Sexual Harassment Training is a good idea. We have an episode title. Secret Labyrinth Squid Game Sexual Harassment Training. Tom saw that show and he was like, fucking bullshit. No squids. Zero stars. There were no squids, huh?

Oh, the game at the end was based on a squid. The real game was the squids we made along the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't watch it. You still haven't watched it? No. It's very good. Okay.

Well, I think you guys are pretty tentacool. That's the show. That was chaos. Remember the joke off? Even that was kind of spotty. The sexual harassment labyrinth for sexual wait what was it tom will be headlining there the sexual harassment labyrinth of something i'm not gonna call the episode sexual harassment labyrinth well i forgot what the what else i said you were sex tom last week we gotta vary it up the squigwages labyrinth. Well, I forgot what else I said. You were sex tom last week.

We got to vary it up. The Squid Wages labyrinth of sexual harassment training in a labyrinth. He said labyrinth a few times. That's okay. It's a big labyrinth. Sex labyrinth. When do I respectfully introduce the idea that I hate this? 12 minutes ago.

This is your segment, baby. Show's over. Holy shit. Goodbye. You mouthful of cute. Fuck everything. God is dead. Fuck everything.

Crazy shit.