Mean Boys - EP 237 - Tom Voyage

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

Tom's moving to Chicago, so we rallied for one more episode. The last Mean Boys until the next Mean Boys, please enjoy. Listen to Leaving The Tribe (it's back!) Follow Keith Follow Tom Follow Connor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Farting is such sweet sorrow. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm. So here's what I did for two hours this morning while Tom slept on my couch. I went through the transcripts of every mean boys. episode we ever released and cultivated all of the end imes we ever did for tom oh wow so tom do it again and i'm not connor mc spadden methadone winnie the poo the lump of coal in the gene pool

stocking the exiled prince of the marmits shockingly still alive a bouncer at a trash can fire larry the cable guy's cable guy a meth pigeon having a really hard time pronouncing inevitability a beanie baby that works for the Russian mafia, a cartoon turtle that's not allowed to see his kids anymore, a self-harmedillo, everybody that's ever robbed a Taco Bell, a violent penguin, food stamp Zangief,

mad Big Max McFlurry Road, the lead singer of a band called Flock of Pigeons, a Keebler L for a store brand cookie, a bionic homeless person, a violent turtle, truck stop Buddha, the person of interest when Wendy Starling goes missing, a Serbian dogfight promoter,

Going to beat the shit out of Louis J. Gomez. The owner of a racist pizza place. A white power hedgehog. A Teddy Rucksman that only plays Slipknot. An Easter Island statue that just learned how to snowboard. The best looking guy at the worst possible eye hop. The hardest to get a hold of unsuccessful person. I remember that one.

Just trying to get my kids back. An axe murderer trying to infiltrate a junior high school. A coach for professional. eaters, the guy who lives on Doug Stanhope's couch, John Lennon if he ate the guy that killed him, Hugh Jackoff, about to turn into the Hulk, the proud owner of

a swell new mustache, a divorced Ninja Turtle, a hardcore hedgehog, the worst parallel Parker in the world, if Forrest Gump was a Ramon and a lawn gnome for homeless people. Wow, well, keys, well done. That was a fucking

process. Yeah, that's a gauntlet. I was telling Tom, It was like I had to like scroll through the transcript of all the intros to get to like, look, because we were cutting interest for the episodes back in the day. And it's very funny just watching like they start like, hey, everybody's going to be a pretty good show. And then they get to like crazy long and then you start feeling the tiredness and bitterness infiltrate them. It's like, oh, fuck. I, we tried to record it, but the fucking recorder fell underwater and Tom is lost in Oregon. I don't know.

Shut up. Fuck you. There were like 10 different episodes where one of us said, hey, if this is your first time, don't listen to this one. I remember bringing that up quite a lot, actually. It's our number one sales pitches. This show is great every week except for now. Yeah. It's so funny.

But yeah, no, fucking special tribute because for anybody who does, I figure a lot of people listening to this might not know what's happening. But it's 9-11. It is 9-11. Yes. And our building seven is leaving. The lizard people have detonated the hologram that is Tom God. You do implode under mysterious circumstances.

just like building seven i have been drinking a lot of jet fuel so this yeah this all adds up uh yeah tom's moving to fucking chicago i am yeah yeah so you're not getting a full nine 11 run this time yeah yeah yeah no this is look i'm gonna it's it is funny because i might get there the same time as the national card it's like i saw that it was like literally the day after you're like i think i'm finally moving trump is like we're sending the army yeah yeah there it's it's that's be hilarious if I'm like in the suburbs just like well I'd love to go into the city but unfortunately because

we have to deport a bunch of Mexicans I don't get to do comedy here unfortunately I'm in the third Batman movie right now and we haven't gotten to the part with the jet yet fucking dark night rikes dude I talked to several people who were just like

what's how I'm going to do if the army show I'm like I don't know man keep being white like you're going to be fine yeah I don't know what are all the other people if you feel yourself trending homeless just move back home yeah yeah i mean what were all the other there's like it's a full city what's everyone else gonna do yeah it's like it's like it's like we were in l.a it's it's like uh i don't know l.a still existed during all of that this is i've i just had a vision of tom becoming the number one day laborer in chicago because he's white and extremely hardy

fucking tom depot is still going strong top depo oh fuck man yeah yeah no i'm excited to get out there i mean i don't know yeah i it'll it'll be weird it's funny they i was here for here for all the the marine bullshit and national guard bullshit here it's like it's like trump's following me at this point it feels like he's gotten so tired of being shitty on a mass scale he's just finding a way to specifically irritate every american one by one yeah yeah it's like a shitty make a wish is very strange he brought back the chicken chabata sandwich from jack in the box and then ban it just the fuck

with Carter McSpadden making news President Trump fucked my ex-girlfriend kind of fat but still very nice well yeah

no it's well yeah I'm excited to get out there I think you're gonna do good out there like I will say I've talked to a bunch of people about like Tom's moving to Chicago

and not one person has been like Tom in Chicago makes no sense at all like you were you are stout and loud and that's sort of of the zone for it. Yeah, I mean, everyone I've talked to has been like,

yeah, I mean, I'm sad you're leaving, but it just doesn't, it makes more sense. Yeah, it's been the vibe. So, yeah, we'll see. I could also, well, the funny thing about all this is, you get out there for two months ago, nah, it just goes somewhere else, like, yeah. Well, there's kind of a story event

in Orange County Comedy History where we had a going away rose for Will Couch, and then he came back home like two weeks later. A lot of people brought that up to me, yeah. Yeah, you know, so it's, Well, we'll probably bust your chops about it, but, you know, that's about it. So look forward to the Welcome Home Tom edition of Halloween. I know. I secretly hope you hate it.

Or just I hope that you like have the realization that like, you know, I don't know, wherever you go there you are or something and you just, you come home and you say, Connor, I'm so sorry. Sorry for leaving. You show up in the rain. I'm like, I'm holding a boom. Boombox over my head that's playing death grips. Bleeding on the hood of your car.

M-words are remorseful. I have curlers in my hair. An old fucking moo-moo. You see a large shadow behind me. I've moved on, Tom. I have another weird friend now. You up there fucking my co-hosts. You better not be telling him about birds.

You can find a guy who's like really into spiders or something? We're actually, we're into lizards now. Lizards, lizards suck Oh no, I'm getting soundboard cocked It's a guy He's just all sound drops of like Forest Whitaker or something I was trying to think who the

The esteemed black actor who would be If not Sam Jack Forst Whitaker It's such a weird poll I don't know, who else is up there Good thing it wasn't Morgan Freeman Who I could think of quotes I can't think of one

Forrest Whitaker line I don't know how to in audio express a weird eye Whitaker I barely know her yeah yeah no it's it'll be weird but it's also like I don't know

I don't get to see you guys a ton as is you know we live far away already right yeah you know Chicago is at least a place you guys will want to visit yeah no I'm gonna come see

as much as I can yeah South Orange County I mean my god yeah I hate the beautiful rolling hills of South Orange County I legitimately too hate South Orange County it actually does suck

No one's ever down there. It is beautiful. I'd rather visit you in fucking Fallujah, the Mission Viejo. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. No, people view it as like what I'm like, oh, yeah, you should hang out. It's like, might as well ask him to, like, just swing by Big Bear.

I don't have a car is the biggest problem I have. Like, if I drove, I'd probably do it more often. Yeah. Even when I do meet up with people, it's like, it's fun. It's usually, like, at least Costa Mesa. That's like almost a 30-minute drive for me. Right. It's like, I'm close to nothing.

You're on the moon out there. Yeah, the moon with coyotes. A lot of coyotes. There's more and more coyotes like every day. Both kinds of coyotes. Mostly just the animal kinds. And I think they're hungry. Yeah?

I won't, yeah, I won't go on runs at night anymore because they start following me. This is not the first time that you've been stalked by an animal. Yeah, well, it's like, I don't want to fight a squad of coyotes as I'm. trying to like you know no i don't blame you but i'm just saying that you have this pied piper quality where beasts of the field will like stop what they're doing and just like take your lead yeah for anybody trying to keep score by the way nine minutes into the show before tom got paranoid that animals were after no i'm experienced it i've experienced it no i know i've watched you get followed by a coyote you oh really when you were here remember oh yeah

that was nuts tom came over and me tom and jordan were just walking around the neighborhood and a coyote just started following us around and me and jordan were kind of freaking out or something And Tom's just like, no, no, no, just let it happen. And you were like, oh, he came down from the hills. He senses an earthquake. And, you know, there's no earthquake, yeah. No, no, no. But there was an earthquake the next morning.

Oh, really? Because you were like, they predict earthquakes. And we were like, we were busting your balls because it's what we do when you're about to be right about some shit. And then fucking, both Tom and the coyotes sense to the fucking, the convulsions of Mother Earth. Well, I wasn't up here, so I wouldn't have known there was an earthquake. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I love that that's, like, you know how, like, when they're about to, like, break out in the war,

the amount of pizzas ordered in Washington, D.C. goes up because all the politicians, they're going to put in a late night. That's like, all right, the coyotes is the earthquakes of pizzas? Well, it's just any animal when they're like, you're an animal, you shouldn't be here. It's either, you know, they're either in a zoo or there's going to be an earthquake. Yeah. Yep. I mean, this is just factual.

I agree. It's not, you know, there's no, there's no comedy produced by animal sensing earthquakes. You're going to Chicago. You can make whatever earthquake facts you want. I'm not making this up, it's a true fact But if you wanted to That is true Just start lying about animals for no reason

I mean that would be an excellent brand That would be yeah The guy is I'm speaking lies to the helpless Tom Goss, crocodile liar Yeah I remember there's an earthquake in my High School science class

And I sat next to this girl named Name something with big titties And I remember immediately like Sneaky looking at a bittis That wanted to see the titty's jiggled by natural forces. I have to say, it was magnificent.

My God, the double G force is produced. That's like, that's the horny version of that glass of water in Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs stop. Yeah, we have very different earthquake experiences, I guess. I'm trying to think, like, what is the coyote

equivalent out in Chicago? They got animals? I don't know. I mean, they have, like, raccoons. and rats and stuff it's like a city yeah i mean we have that yeah like we got a bunch of coyotes do they have they have cows in the city no i don't know like polish people i don't know what do you want i don't know what you got a cow which started the biggest fire in chicago history yeah yeah so wouldn't it stand the reason they came him the fuck out of the town you know i'm just trying to

name animals i know are in the midwest all right fair enough that aren't here but no i can't think of one yeah it could be the deadly midwest scorpion You're going to find out because there's going to be Whatever room you end up living in, there's going to be one in the wall And it's going to become like your friend and enemy at the same time Yeah, I mean it is I mean I did get chased by it Oh yeah, that's where I got chased by a skunk was in Illinois for the first time I like sprint away from that fucking thing

For the first time we'll never not be a funny Yeah well I thought it was some Chicago bullshit And then it kept happening in L.A. And then I realized it was a me problem I thought this was a deep dish raccoon but it turns out it was a skunk well you did

you did paint your tail black and white like a skunk I did have a mohawk at the time that is kind of like skunk like skunk Valor

I'm stealing skunk Valor yeah you're kind of like you know you're sending out some skunk signs yeah you're speaking

to language they understand stripes of fur they understand stripes of fur this is a pepe lapue situation well no

if the hair was up maybe they're like oh that's my attack that's my attack pose so maybe his his hair's up like a tail that's his attempt

maybe he was threatened I want to believe it thought you were a pretty lady skunk and it was like yeah how you say fuck your butt like yeah yeah no I mean

how did I can see really big girls if anyone's gonna be sexually assaulted by skunk I'm at least in the top nine people who that would probably happen to you are so thick and smitty

some of your ex-girlfriends really stink Badaam bram braw P-U. Yep, yep. You have any family in Chicago? I do, yeah.

I have relatives. I know your godparents are from Chicago? No, they're from Brooklyn. No, I'm getting in my old Tom Goss jokes mixed up. Yeah, yeah. The joke where you try to explain why you sound like that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're from Brooklyn.

My mom's originally from out there, so I have family out there. Well, I hope they abandon you, and you come home. Okay. Where you belong. This is the greatest sign of what we have to offer is that we hope nothing works out. I hope you fail and you come back here. Yeah, true. I hope that you have nothing more to offer the world.

I want you to stay right where you are. Conveniently within my grasp. Too far to drive, but close enough to know I could if I wanted to. I mean, that's the thing. I'm going out there and I'm like, once again, if I don't like it, I'll just leave. It's a great thing about. not having like any loved like loved ones or children you're like your girlfriend or like anything like that is i have freedom in a way that most people do not yeah most people have a kid they

got to be like oh will my dumb kid be able to live in chicago i don't got to worry about that i'm like wow look how not having a kid i am as i drive across the country you spend all your time buying tiny jackets and shit for your yeah dumb spawn yeah i got to keep it warm so it doesn't die annoying yeah it's like it's a kid Let him just, you know, fucking give them a phone, teach them how to download stuff. You know, like, you know. Here you go, a baby. You've got an iPhone.

You can download a sandwich. Well, son, you're two years old. It's time to teach you about NordVPN. D is for dark web. Yeah, exactly. You know, everyone should follow their dreams and follow me wherever I go. Yeah. I think that's most people's dreams.

What's most people's dreams? To follow me. To follow you? I think so, yeah. Well, most people, if that's most people's dreams, they are still asleep. Do you mean most skunks? Maybe, maybe. I'm just, I'm just, you know, there's the riffball and you're like,

stay in the air, riffball. I don't know. I'm not there yet, so I don't even have any, like, fun stories or anything. It is going to be kind of nice to be like, okay, like, because we hang out so much that it's like, there's not a lot of time for new Tom shit to a cum, me wait sometimes so it'll be fun in like two months to be like okay i have a whole new fucking download like a whole cat yeah yeah yeah tom experiences yeah exactly yeah you're gonna

call me in two months and like dude i tell you about the deer fight you know and you're like oh yeah they got a bunch of deer oh yeah yeah it's a big deer deer deer place cool any strong feelings on deer Connor some people have been discussing for months whether or not we were going to do this is my feelings on deer is they mostly just make me paranoid when i'm driving in the woods because they could hit you yeah i could hit them yeah fuck your whole shit up if you yeah fuck up my whole car yeah my very valuable car for the life of a medialess deer i think tom works the same way where if you hit him your car just collapses around him yeah i'm i'm excited to meet some deer i hope i don't hit any i don't have new car money so i just picture you seeing a deer like

and a quiet outcropping and you're like oh wow and you channel all that like I am one with nature energy you have and you slowly approach it to gently pet it like Wolverine stalking his prey and then the deer also somehow shoots skunk juice at you every animal develops

a stink I have expressed my anal glands and they are displeased Tom Goss, Anus Milker of the wild I don't know it Anus Milker is a badass name honestly It was a fucking, it feels like a Mormon. They opened from cramps, yeah. No, if anyone's going to get bit by a rabid deer,

I think I'm high up on the list of that happening. One day I hope you'll be high on a list that is not. We'll suffer animal-related tragedy. They would ironically mock on this show. Variety's comics to watch get bit by a deer. Yeah. I got JFL just for less, no giant fucking leeches. I would, yeah, no, I would enjoy, yeah, yeah, no, I don't, we don't have many deer out here.

So I'm going to become a deer guy. You're going to introduce yourself to new people. You have a chance to reinvent yourself in a new scene and try and jump through your career. You're like, hello, I'm Tom, I'm new and I'm a deer guy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's part of their culture. You've got to learn, you know, learn the new cultures. I know not to put ketchup on the deer

I have learned your local ways Dude I'm so stoked that that's like a thing That they pride themselves in is mustard It took me a minute to realize It's crazy that like obviously you're going to Chicago Because you were the most anti-catchup person I've ever met And that's like no one fucking I don't know thing they have

It's yeah It's you know Yeah it's it's amazing that the whole One city in America is right And I forgot about that fact As I moved out there No once Tom really broke it down for me that ketchup is gross.

I have to agree. Did I stop eating ketchup? Absolutely not. But it is gross. That's fair. You know what? That's like a nuanced take. And I honestly,

most of the time, I mix my ketchup with hot sauce. So it's like it's a little... I stole this move from you and that is a good move. Little as bitch ass. Yeah, but then you're making the hot sauce a little sweet

and that makes sense. Yeah. Unless it's like syracia. You're not doing it with sarache. No, that's gross. Yeah, that would be gross. I've done sarach ketchup. That's like a thing.

That sounds gross. It's pretty good. The point is everything seems gross and terrible if you look at it through Tom's eyes. Tom could make you hate that's something you love if he described it pretty accurately, but also like Tom. Yeah, you do have a withering sense of prose in your descriptions of things. Yeah, yeah. I've learned that is that people are like, wow, you're real, you're a real cunt. And I'm like, well, you bring up good points.

But no, just. All right, well The Mexican joke off All right, I'll take us away this week The US added only 22,000 jobs in August confirming a slowdown in the labor market Economists are calling it the perfect time To move cities and start a new life

I'll go next Donald Trump posted a meme Depicting the U.S. military attacking Chicago So between him and Tom Just a big month for the windy city getting bombed by some asshole from out of town who peaked in 2018 Oh fuck

I just like actually wrote I don't have a burn on me I don't have any other ones Oh okay Those are the only good joke I wrote this weekend It's not even very good Oh hold your butts A parent

I'm holding all of my asses My various wheelbarrow of cheeks Is contained Yeah a parrot has been awarded A Guinness record for identifying Identifying you guys know when you see the thing you're like i know what that thing is yeah it's identifying and separating colors want a Guinness world record for that so you know wow i guess cagebirds really are

in a prism oh yeah apparently you forgot how to write a fucking joke god damn probably want another fucking shot oh my god it took 25 minutes to tell So Tom spent the night Of my house last night And fucking We've been having a bunch Of very serious like

Conversations about like moving And like life shit and like stuff And then last night He was filling up The world's largest water bottle Oh Jesus And he just took like 10 minutes To painstakingly put ice cubes in it

And then just stood there Looked over and dropped it On three different surfaces It spilled a gallon of water And you just went Oh shit It's like the closer we get to recording mean boys, the more Tom

Mean Boy comes out. Was that the jug? That was my first one. I got four more parrot jokes. No, I mean the jug. Oh, oh yeah, yeah, it's a jug. The joke. I thought you said the joke.

No, no, no. I know what you thought the joke was. Yeah, no, it was a good joke. It was, it was, it, look, a lot of people are talking about edgy comedy. And what is edgier than making both of your friends immediately? hate you hitting yourself in the face

with the microphone right now parent jokes about color prisms are the new N-word and I'm I'm screaming

for sure it was gonna be the parrot is racist joke that's what it was originally Polly is a cracker I don't know

something like that that was the original version I actually workshoped it was a good it was a good if you workshop

it the way Ed Gein workshop the human body it was a good premise you just need to pair it

with a better punch line see I think I think I think, you know, I think you're kind of clipping my wings on the brilliance of the joke a little bit. Well, you can suck my cock! Hey, birds of a feather, bro. For the listening audience, me and Connor, high-five, and then touch tips of our penises.

All right, J.D. Vance had the Army Corps of Engineers raise the water level of an entire Ohio River for a family boating trip. they were able to do this by inviting Keith Kerry to go swimming what fucking Egyptian pharaoh I know I was the water height of an entire river that is some fucking nepotism

fucked up special privilege shit this would if Joe Biden did this in 2007 we'd be shitting our pants because he wouldn't be the president but this feels like something Xerxes did before fucking the 300 guys showed up

yes exactly all right the Obama era Biden had the water raised. We, like... Man. Oh, yeah, we would have never recovered. Oh, these are all really bad.

The White House confirmed plans for a UFC cage match on the lawn of the White House. So move over hell in a cell because here comes, Tards on the yard. A man was eaten by a shark. It wasn't sad, though, since the man was Australian.

You hear that Australian? Yeah, you guys have had it too good for too long. Suck our fucking dicks. There's a little used anti-Australian racism in America. Yeah, let's bring it back. There's too many of them coming over here. Australians. They're taking our job.

You know, didgerie do player, knife identifier. Hot guy in movies. Cangaroo raper. All right. Trump has canceled Kamala Harris' secret service detail, which would be really fucked up if anyone cared enough about her to assassinate her. She just stands in the yard every morning. Anybody?

Uh-huh? Oh, no, I'm wearing my bathroom with a big target on the back of it. Oh, she should be so lucky. The Catholic Church ordained the first ever millennial saint. The Pope ordained him in the name of the father, the son, and the hecken chunker doggo. Fuck you. I mean, it hurts to hear those words. I knew that would fill you with a boiling ray.

It's like the Knights who say knee. It's just, ah. A 12-year-old created nuclear effusion for his science fair project. Thoughtful pedophile dice clay stated, Those cheeks are what's really radiating. Oh! Fateful petophile! The furthest across-dimension someone has reached to force a dice-clay.

Yeah. Hickory-Dickory, Doc. Somebody reset the doomsday clock. Oh, fuck. Watchman dice clay. All right, let's try this one. Guards of Alligator Alcatraz have used tear gas to quill uprisings amongst the detained. But we were already crying, pleading.

the children I mean I guess it's pretty funny Chuckie cheese mascot was arrested on camera in costume during a shift turns out the E stood for Epstein Charles Epstein Cheese

They finally get a fucking drone that flies into that fucking pyramid temple or whatever and it's just the animatronic band I have an Epstein one too The temple that's painted in a color That could only be called Israel blue It's literally if you go on the paint chips Israel flag blue

Speaking of Epstein Joe Rogan has responded to Mark Marin's critiques By saying his cats have made him insane The irony being that whenever he dodges Talking about Trump on the Epstein list Jamie shouts, Groomer lives Pretty good That's some good

the inside podcasting jokes. It was on them, but he was on the news. Yeah. That's what's frustrating. It's about a comedy. A boomer lives. A boomer lives. A boomer lives.

A little bit more neat. Pow, I just shit my pants. Yeah. That was my favorite when he would say that. A surgeon with an amputee fetish had his own legs amputated under fraudulent circumstances. He almost got away with it, but one of his colleagues suspected something was a foot. Color prison?

Something. I don't know why I thought. I thought that was a closer. That fucking, that story is crazy. That is a crazy story. This dude fucking, he was like a, like, a renowned, like, surgeon who did amputation, but he also had, like, a weird amputee fetish. So he froze his fucking legs with liquid nitrogen.

And they just went into the hospital and was like, I don't know what happened. I'm very sick until they cut his fucking legs off. And for a while, everyone was like, you're such an inspiration. He, like, went back to work and stuff. And then they found out he was committing insurance fraud and also had a bunch of, like, crazy, like, illegal amputating. like amputation port like videos of dudes like cutting their own nuts off and stuff yeah it's fucking wild story I was really I couldn't come up with a good joke about it neither could I yeah that's a crazy see I cut mine off with the fucking knee yeah I'm like

this is my alternate this is my fan fiction for the first season of Dexter this is my ice truck killer weird amputee guy look at the stumpy murderer uh which bad joke do I want to close on uh yeah let's do this one teenagers are being used as assassins by organized crime operations in Sweden. You can pick up a hitman at Sweden's assassination superstore. I kill you. That's cute. That's cute.

Orcas, we know orcas. Orcas have been ramming boats again. Scientists say they are playing, but I've been saying, ramming. You know, like they're fucking the boats. Then I laugh at the idea of a whale making love to a boat, and I laugh harder. The laughter increases as I think of a half whale. half-boat baby being born.

Where would the whale come out of the boat for birth? The poop deck? Then I remember the time in school, I coffily declared that babies were born out of the butt and was laughed out of the class, and I felt embarrassed. I pushed this feeling down to insecurity and wonder what other things I've repressed to conserve my ego. Can you live honestly, or is this headline just underlying the fact

that shame destroys our ability to look at the past through an honest lens? If we can't look at our past honestly, are we setting ourselves up to destroy our future? Anyway, a whale jumping on a deck. What is this, Keith Carey's conception? But this is ridiculous. Oh, big ass swing, miss, and you guys saved me. We did the exact same shit to Connor when he did that.

It hurts. It hurts when they do that. It doesn't feel good at all. It feels cold. Oh, fuck, you guys. This is fun. All right. Well, that was the last Mexican joke off.

Mexican joke off is over. Quang! And the main boy's podcast is back. It's time for a round of one of our favorite games. Price Check. We got a special Chicago edition of Price Check this week. Okay. All Chicago prices, kind of, numbers, whatever.

You tell me which number is bigger. The number of people killed in the largest mass shooting in Chicago history. Or the number of players currently on the Bulls. Oh. Oh, mass shooting. of Thompson's mass shooting All right I'm trying to think

of like a famous Chicago mass shooting Because it seems like Like at the town where it feels like it could have been Some sort of like I don't know thick Italians Doing mafia shenanigans in the 20s You know what I mean the fucking The great sausage caper of

fucking on 12 or something Yeah I'm gonna go You know what? Just to switch it I'm gonna go Bulls That is the Chicago Bulls Let's go 19 players on the Bulls according to ESPN.com Whereas in 1937 Memorial

Memorial Day Massacre, the Chicago police shot and killed 10 unarmed striking steelworkers. I thought you only... I know. That'll teach you to demand dignity, fuckface. I thought there was only like 14 people on a roster at a time. Maybe that's a playing roster. I checked several websites and it was either 19 or 20 on each site, so I figured ESPN.com was a good source. Yeah, no, that's...

It's Summer League right now, so I think technically there's like... Oh, it's a larger roster. Oh, yeah, probably, yeah. yeah but i was saying somebody who's also written a lot of price checks you don't want to pull it the threat of the numbers yeah ultimately it's like whatever we found online i i i did as much research as an inept barely knows anything about basketball fucker can do uh number two the population of chicago or the number of people who died of covid in the united states oh shit oh i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with chicago because there was so much like

I don't know, all the reporting during COVID was like banana. Like there were people who didn't, it was banana stuff. It was banana stuff. There was a lot of bananas happening. There was people who died of other things and the people were like, well, we don't want to say it's COVID. And then there were other, it went vice versa. And who knows where things landed. Whereas Chicago is an honest city where they count correctly.

And I believe. This is according to the WHO. Okay. Who? The WHO. Who? The W.H.O. I will jump in fat suicide.

So you're going Chicago? I'm going to Chicago. The problem is I think I know roundabout the number on the COVID one. See, I don't know. And I'm bad at placing. I'm going to say Chicago as well. Population of Chicago, 2.721 million population of people killed by COVID in the United States, 1.2 million. Population.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Number three. The lack of population, yeah. Number three, a 750 milliliter bottle of Jepsen's Mallort or a 40 ounce bottle of pig urine. How many milliliters of Mallort? 750. And how much pig urine?

40 ounces. It's not my job to do unit conversions for you guys. You can buy a 40 a pig piss? Just fucking brown bagging A frothy tallboy Fucking Wilbur's Jets That would be such a good name For a malt liquor vetted a pig piss

Wilbur's Jets Oh my God Some terrific pig Hey I'll let me get a 40 A pig piss and a loose cigarette Yeah I've sent you a kid to the store with a note Give my kid a for you. What is the, what websites did you look at these prices?

Well, I'm glad. It's not jizz. I'm glad you asked. The official Jepson's Malort website. Okay. And boar masters, the boar hunting website. They're based out of Texas, right? I don't know.

Wait. Why did you know that? Well, let's, I could be wrong. Now I want to see if I'm right. Tom has some weird piece of knowledge that's pulling this together. But what's, are you about to imply that there's like some different taxation rate on big business in Texas or something? No, it's, it's the amount of like a plenty, boar hunters. Boar masters.

It seems like a first draft of the name for like plumper pass or like BBW on it. Big and plenny's. Boar master. Oh, God. We're going big game hunting. Just a whiteboard. hog annihilators nah scratched through it

I didn't immediately tell me so I'm not going to do further research How big it's 750 milliliters It's like a like a bottle you'd see out of a bar Okay Well a thousand milliliters is a liter And two liters is a two liter of soda So it's like a little less than half of a two liter of soda I should have been able to crack that on my own

Like 750 milliliters is like If you're getting like a bottle of like Um fucking uh like fireball It's usually the go-to bottle size that you they're pouring out of the bar gotcha um god damn okay so which one is more that of the lord or 40 of big piss i'm gonna say the 40 of pig piss is more i'm sagging my cackies with the big like button down shirt the bum bum bum bum bum i would assume the pig

and she did it with my piss from my piggy and my piggy and me piss i'm gonna guess with a bag full of urine and the urine on my mind I got to assume One, two, three, and two The Boar Doggie dogs drinking piss out of boar Ritter to make an entrance So back on up because you know we're about to drink shit up

Give it the big fist first And I can bust like a bubble Compton and Boor Masters together Yeah, you know you're in trouble Ain't nothing but a pee thing, baby Too lucked out hunter So we crazy Boar Masters is a label

That pays me Oink Who could care? I also think it's the pig piss Just because someone has to Milk the piss out of the pig That's a very good point If I'm fucking gathering pig piss

I'm charging a lot that's not or best offer i don't know what the pig piss is for but if you need big piss you really need pig piss like nobody kind of it's not i can't come without it it's not an impulse buy item yeah is it like is it like uh it's like a hundred percent big piss i will say i'll give the shit's not cut with it it's fentany it's sat in the pig piss it's it's sour and heat flavor oh definitely the pig piss oh yeah that's hoony Because that's not, that's not a flavor. That's, there's like,

pheromones in that bitch. They're trying to get the pigs to show up, like trying to flux. You can shoot them, right? Like, that's the idea. Probably, yeah. Are you guys both guessing pig piss? Yeah.

7.50 millimeter bottle of Jeptson, Bolloy, 2799. 40-ounce bottle of pig urine, 1499. Wow, guys, that's a steal at any time. We got to stock up. Yeah, I know. Fucking, why buy the piss? If you could suck off the pig for free?

That's what I'm a horse. always said I believe your mom said that my mom would suck fucking a pig for my lord all right

number four an authentic deep dish pizza from Little Caesars or a ticket to the best of second city very funny

Little Caesar is Detroit I know sorry what was the thing again a ticket to the best of second city and what was the first sorry that deep dish pizza

from the little Caesar's one deep dish pizza or one ticket to the show okay I'm going on second city I think second city is more too that fuck it what is the deep dish like six bucks like 1099 best of second city forty nine dollars so okay that's crazy both of those are crazy for improv you should never pay over ten dollars for any item at little Caesars yeah but the dish is deeper so therefore more pizza I give a hot fuck I don't want that innovating back there I'm also gonna say you should never pay more than ten dollars for any improv show you ever eating a little caesar's pizza just walking around uh i've like how about alone in my

car does that count but i was he did that together remember i was got to fight with that guy at the parking lot because he was being a dick what do you do no i don't well yeah i think i do and like oglohom he like i think he like threw his door and my car your car like didn't den it but it was like the principal of it or something like that i was like my fuck or your son at something i just remember being mad and you'd be like tom we don't want to get arrested in Tulsa let's eat a pizza I didn't have enough room with my memory banks for that one I've had so many bad meals with you and so many parties watch so many different yeah

I went to a show downtown LA with I don't know if it was Jordan or somebody else I've stayed in the past but it was like we got there early we needed to find food and we were looking for something cheap and open and there was nothing around except for the Little Caesars so we just bought a pizza and I just walked down the street eating like carrying a full pizza and it's almost guys like have some of that pizza We're like, no, we're going to eat it You didn't give him a cigarette. We were hungry, man.

That's so funny, because if you asked for a cigarette, you would have given him a... I would give him a sick. Yeah, he'd eat all the cigarettes he wants. We're splitting this pizza. Yeah. Respect to Keith for telling a story that makes him look bad. I'm not ashamed. No, that's why you're so damn likable.

Cost of the famous Chicago bean or one million burritos from Don Carlos Taco Shop. Wait, like the cost of building the beans? The building the bean. Bean builder. Don't call that, Pete. Did you guys do what I did the first time I saw it? You've seen it, right?

I like you never read to it. No, no. Oh, really? I was going to go, and then I realized I don't actually care. So you've got to go, and then you got to look around and go, honey, I found it, and then point it at the bean, and then all the tourists will think you're very funny. Man, I wonder how many times a day people do that bit. Hey, look, I'm flicking it. I'm flicking the beat

It's easy to find What was the question again? Oh, I remember. I remember. A thousand burritos? A million burritos. A million burritos. You just look like even has to consider something

beyond comprehension. Absolute zero, you say. This is a top version of fucking cosmos? Infinite universes Bucket universe where burritos Have burritos inside of the burritos I definitely do want to go to a place Where there's a million burritos piled up

A million is such a large number It's almost a million and one It is, it is I mean if you're counting it essentially is Lots of you counting and not messing up once And actually getting the 9199000 The nines The bunch of nines

What are you saying Well okay now this is I know a reality show I want to see. Tom gets $1 million, but only if you can count to a million perfectly. That would be a compelling game show. Seven, zero on top of another zero. Fuck.

Yeah, no, making so would count to a million things is like, I think you'd go crazy at a certain point. Mr. B's counted to like 100,000 or something on just one straight live stream. He did a lot of shit like that back in the day. That's 10,100,000s, though. Yes, Tom. I'm saying, but you could.

You count to very high numbers. That's a tenth of the way to a million. At a certain point, you go crazy. You go number crazy, I tell you. You suffer from number madness. Madness, madness, madness, madness. What's the highest you've ever counted to? 69.

Thank God. This is the compelling. Thank God I could make the lazy. Quick, this fruit is hanging so low. It must be plucked before it hits the dirt where it belongs. Do you know what? Honey, hold my big piss. Do you know what year the bean was established?

Didn't write that one down. Keith, you might know. Jordan yells about the bean a lot. The bean, Jordan has a lot of strong opinions about the bean. It's like modern. Like, it's, like, I think the past 30 years. Everything I know about art has been yelled to me by one of Keith's girlfriends. I dig cultured people because then I can pretend I am.

Pull it off. I can pretend most of the art I know about isn't those. booby girls they used to put on skateboards back in the day that's art the fuck was the name of that company it wasn't birdhouse but it was like you know what I'm talking about? Yeah I do Boob house. Yeah fuck it's gonna kill me

I'm gonna look it up later. This will ruin the last episode. There was a specific like fucking Peritance. Yeah well it was a company that all their skateboards were just hot anime girls. It's like look at my big fat fucking teeth. It's what's his face I watched a vice documentary on him that like he's a real ragamuffin

that doesn't narrow down real roust about yeah what's your guess? What's your guess, Keith. Okay, a million burrito. Well, okay, so burrito at Don Carlos, not the cheapest thing in the world.

They got a little price on them. They're worth it. But so it's like, probably going to like an eight or nine dollars. So maybe a little more. So again, let's say $10 million. I'm going to go to the burritos. Tom?

I was hoping he wouldn't do the math in his head and I'd have an edge in this game. But I also just, I, the math means nothing. Oh, the math means everything. everything burritos the cost of the famous Chicago being 23 million one million brutes from Don Carlos less than $23 a real I couldn't find an exact price online I don't

want to miss quote the great Don Carlo no whatever it is it is worth it yeah I did not at all mean to imply that you shouldn't pay everything they want it's 10 plus uh for at least the I was thinking of the California which I think is around the 12 dollar mark but that's before inflation be it Tom went to Joe Biden has destroyed don't Carlos me and Tom went to Don Carlos like at some point last year and there was kind of this moment

where he's like I wonder if they remember us like it just felt like two guys who like end up at their high school like years later you know we used to be on the football team and it's like we don't know who you are again maybe the Don remembers us oh yeah but the Don wasn't there dude what a cool guy whose name I totally

remember off hand I've always called him the Don it was well yeah it's a great way to not have to wait it was Ryan something I just forgot his last time oh yeah it was Ryan Gave us way too much money With the amount of business we sent his way Yeah, by far the most lucrative sponsor We ever had on the show

But shouldn't have been Yeah, and the only product I believed in That I was really our sponsor In the way that like a parent Buying out their child's lemonade stand I would love to know how much money We actually made him However much we have spent on burritos

Is probably how much we've made it Yeah, right Because I've even had people say like Yeah, I've never heard of anyone saying, I went to Don Carlos in La Jolla. It's always like, I was trying to get there while I was in San Diego, man, but it didn't happen, man. Well, because people are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to San Diego for Comic-Con. I'm like, cool.

Now, what you want to do is going like a 30-minute road trip outside of everywhere you want to be. Yeah. Yeah, and also, most of our listeners are not from California. Right. There's another problem. But, yeah, RAP the Dawn. Wait, what? He was still alive?

But he'll die at some point. And the place is still open. At some point, he'll die and rest in peace. RIP stands for Relax and Prosperity, Don Carlo. Yeah. Fucking stands for Rip Them Meritos. Homeless. That was price check.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back. As you know, this is the Tom Goss going away, spectacular. Which, by the way, I kind of got the... This is very funny to me, because it's kind of like, like, yes. Yesterday talking to Keith, I was like, oh, that sounds like a lot of just vaguely stuff around me. In my head, we were just doing a regular 9-11 reunion episode. Which is insane in that, A, obviously, we're not, and B, I actively said, hey, I'd like to do a farewell, Tom, meme boys. I thought, but I thought it was like...

And you said, yes, that sounds great. But it was like... So basically, I pitched an idea to you, your brain retained none of the information I'd said, and then you were surprised by it later, but continue. Yeah, well, I just thought it was going to be more like, you know, like the classic stuff. AIDS and 9-11 How did this basically what we're doing

That is true That is true But what do you I'm just not used To being the focal point On the show Okay And it's like

Do you want us To talk over you And call you The Tartid Like the old day You're not You're always The focal point

Of the show Yeah Well usually the show Is you You draw matter Into you Like a black hole For the concept

Of knowledge The show The show at its peak Was you guys Running a show And then me Destroing Tom watching

You do little fucking baby legs On my bar stool It's a very It's a high up chair Okay That is pretty funny. You fucking murderous infant.

I have very short legs for my heights. Trying to build a new set of the Cheerios on his high chair tray. Like the amount of people who thought I was tall and then I stood up, they're like, oh, you're not tall at all. It's like very common for me. The amount of people who are over six feet that sitting next to them, I'm taller than them is, you know, but legs are short. I can see why you haven't been the focal point traditionally. now that we're focaling there's not a lot

not a lot of points you're the focal round well this this segment is actually all Tom this is something that I wanted to do for Tom since you know he's going to a whole carton of respect faggot

well it's what's he's going to need to get a job when he gets sides of Chicago sure it's a tough job market right now everyone everyone needs a glowing personal reference going into a job interview so if you're

hiring a vagrant pigeon eater. No, no, I really think I've, I've, I don't eat them, I love them. It took me a few hours. I think I really, it took me a long time because Tom has a lot of different skills and abilities. Okay. That we, that I needed to cover. So, uh, let's just get into it. Uh, my friend Tom is the perfect fit for your low paying job and or highly lucrative

of the opportunity. Here's why. Physical abilities. It's okay. Tom is the healthiest fat smoker the world has ever seen. If there was an Olympic Games exclusively for fat men who smoked, Tom would dominate like a fat smoking Michael Phelps. Tom's pain tolerance is so high he once thought a life-threatening illness was bad gas. It's true, pancreatitis, remember?

One time Tom punched the car as hard as he could, and the car sustained more permanent damage than Tom did. That's the only thing I said I said is a joke earlier, and I forgot it happened. Tom is highly trained in hand-to-hand combat, but his expertise goes far beyond training. His experience as a roadhouse-style bar bouncer empowers him to handle belligerent drunks twice his size with tactful pugilism like some kind of social worker for alcoholics. With a strong arm and a soft touch,

Tom will keep your establishment free of ragamuffins, near do well, sex, pest, and violent thugs, not to mention lawsuits. I have personally seen Tom wallop a 50-year-old cocaine addict down to jelly, as well as Jedi Mind Trick a bevy of violently intoxicated Ninkum poops. Despite his vertical disability,

Tom Mainz are a force to be reckons with amongst the inebriated and abel body alike. Also hire me to provide any loose adjectives. They have the need for your business. Tom, okay, next section. Allow me to embellish your haberdensury. Next section. Mental prowess.

It's just a picture of a monkey playing. Pimble. all right next section accolades no I'm kidding I'm kidding Tom has mental prowess Tom once used the phone that had seven keys on the keyboard broken for over five years surviving a half a decade as a professional writer on a 19 letter alphabet

pretty impressive when you think about it I forgot about that I didn't that was so fucking annoying dude like when you needed to tell me something with the letter G in it and you were just beating around the bush because you had to find some kind of asinine synonym with the letters remaining.

This was when we first moved in the back, pal. That was such a long period of time. It was really a while. It was a long time. All right. Tom knows several things about birds. Tom once brewed the best coffee I've ever had using a contraption.

He built using only trash. Yeah, that was good coffee. That was really good coffee. I still think of that coffee. Tom has borne the bouts of hyperfixation and focus I believe that with enough caffeine and nicotine Tom could learn all of heating and air conditioning

repair school in one evening Tom has written multiple plays and everybody loves plays They're like movies without all the good parts All right now it's good to accolades He was voted angry as Buddhist By the South Orange County Homeschool Journal Ah yes

the bitey children Gazette His car was named the best Prius by disgusting vehicles

monthly in 2017 he was Jug magazine's most hydrated he took on the award for Most Haunted

by Eyes Quarterly and his song Bears has over 1.3 million views on YouTube special skills. Under certain arcane circumstances, Tom will dance exactly like Steamboat Willing. Tom respects women so much. He has never even touched one except for when he was

breastfeeding as a tiny baby. Through careful fastening, Tom can survive for weeks and only broth and cigarettes. Tom can do a flawless Portuguese accent. Hello, I am Lou from Portugal. Yeah, see, that's pretty good. I couldn't, I wouldn't know that from a Portuguese guy. Bring Tom back, Lou from Portugal. Yes, I am Lou from Portugal. What do you think of Tom, Lou? What do you think of Tom, Lou?

From Portugal. I forgot about that character. What a poll. Tom has three siblings, none of whom he ate in the womb. Tom once lost 300 pounds working out with only a sledgehammer. Yeah, the bath drinks out. Tom can sleep on any relatively flat surface. Big frying pan, racetrack, diving board, no problem.

Tom is almost 49 inches tall. Tom can ejaculate up to five yards when fully hydrated. And if you read Jug Magazine, you know he's always fully hydrated. Tom has been doing comedy for over 10 years. And in that time, he's performed for literally hundreds of people. Higher ability If you want to see Tom act like a mean son of a bitch

You will either have to roast battle him Play him at Monopoly Or appear on this podcast The rest of the time He is obnoxiously polite Tom is so polite I have known him for 10 years And I have never heard him fart once

Tom is extremely affid No I was trying to think of a time I ever heard you fart out loud Must be fucking nice. Yeah. You've really ripped them out of me, Keith. Me and Tom have a loose anus policy around the house. When was this one?

You guys were always yelling at me for farting. I don't know, man. You bullied her. Well, I haven't farted on Keith. Yeah, I guess your issue is more of my proximity to you, Welfare. I don't think you were doing it on a purpose, but it was weird how your ass would just, like, move independently of your body to find the way to aim it at Tom. Yeah. Or I'd be like, we'd be climbing the stairs

And I was behind you Well, that's just funny You were doing the fart version of like Angelina Jolie curving the bullet All right, higher ability Tom is very efficient He wants spent an entire Misfits concert Timingil of Glendanzig's stage patter

So he could prove we were being cheated out of a full show I tell people every time the misfits come up That you did that and it never doesn't get a laugh Was I wrong? No, it was so fun That's the kind of employee you want on the yard Like literally like 30% of the show was Yeah

Oh fuck Tom has never stolen anything If he had a family And they were dying without food He would let them starve Over resorting to death If Tom is ever sleeping on the job Don't worry you will know

He snores like a shot bag full of butter One time I worked a job with Tom I happened to be better at this job than he was Probably because it involved a lot of lying So I tried to help him cheat To make him look better than he was He literally wouldn't let me He would rather fail than succeed through deceit

Tom loves work He wants quit delivering food in his car To deliver food in his bike just because it was more difficult Tom is extremely loyal If you do give him some crummy job He'll probably work there forever Just because he feels bad for your nephew or something He cares about stuff like that

With that deep, sincere, inconvenient kind of caring conclusion Tom is a kind of friend who will keep you out of trouble and he would never steal your weed he's an incredibly careful and considerate driver he's my exact opposite in every single way I've personally seen Tom and the zodiac killer in the same place at the same time that's proving there are two totally different people Tom has saved my life four times three by taking me to the hospital and once by yelling at me for smoking a cigarette while pumping gas I would trust Tom with my life my car and all of my money he is the only good man I know. If I had a name my son after any one of my friends, I'd probably choose Tom because he isn't Palestinian, Nigerian, or named after Keith Richards. If I had a daughter, I would

want her to end up with a guy just like Tom, except much taller. I love this man, and I would vouch for him to do anything from dog catchers to astrophysicist, even the forestry service. So here's my personal reference. That was really funny, man. That was great. Thank you. Connor, that's legitimately like top five, one of the best things that's ever happened on this show. Oh, thanks. That was so funny. God damn.

Thank you so much for doing that, man. Yeah, man. That was, like, it's funny. We talked about doing a roast for me before, and then I was like, there wasn't enough time. I'm like, you got it all there in the whole thing. Yeah. It's, man, fucking, you mentioned the snoring in there.

I woke up kind of early this morning, and I just heard Tom just rip-sawing on the fucking couch. And it was like that thing you hear, like, parents when their kid is getting ready to leave. Like, oh, I'll miss the pitter, patter of feet around the house. Miss the sound of my friend choking on his own tongue A whole butterneck This morning I was like Oh man

And then you just You kept putting stuff in your pockets That you know have holes in them And I just kept watching you put the same lighter in your pocket And have to pick it up Like one of those dolls that shits Where it's like it's an obvious closed loop Oh fuck

Well damn I feel bad for everybody who has to follow that I reached out I told you this last night but I reached out to a bunch of a bunch of really regular Mean Boys people, like some of our biggest guests and stuff, to get like some audio messages wishing you farewell. And I reached out to dozens of people, and almost 10 of them got back to me.

I got a lot of, I'll definitely get you something. And then a long silence afterwards. So if any come in late, I'll add those later. But let's play some clips. Let's do, where do we want to start? You know, we'll start with, we got Dave's side. Tom, congratulations. I can't think of a place you'd fit in more than Chicago, physically. Mentally, you more belong as the only friend of a paranoid survivalist who eventually realizes you never existed.

Many of your fans out there don't know that I actually try to sell a documentary once about Tom when he was training to fight two dudes at once. Netflix wanted to make it until I explained that Tom is a comedian, not a teenage black bear I shaved and taught to box. In all of this, though, I'm just saddest for the fans who relied on Mean Boys to get them through what seemed to be almost exclusively terrible lives. Mean Boys isn't for everyone, but it is for everyone who's ever sold a snake to pay for an abortion. Then got distracted on the way to the abortion and spent the money on a blown glass dick you can smoke weed out of, but the sales clerk promised also works with dried out toad skin. So, enjoy Chicago, Tom, the land of Cubs,

bears and white socks. Two things you look like and one thing you can't afford. So that's Dave Saras. Nat by Mel sent in one as well. Hey Tom, it's Nat. I just wanted to say I love you. I'll miss you and I wish you all the best in Chicago even though I don't agree with your decision

to move there to become a nice agent. And I know as soon as they're done playing this, you're going to say I'm obviously joking, but I do remember the conversation we had a while ago about how you believe in the cause so strongly that you're going to waive a salary and do it just for the love of the game. I think it's kind of abhorrent, but I love you.

So, you know, I hope this is just a phase or something to get out of your system. So while you're there, enjoy eating all the owls beef you can, which you also told me off Mike is the only brown thing you want to see in that city. Love you, buddy. All right, this is Pat Barker. Hey, mean boys, Pat Barker here, calling in on what is a very bittersweet day. It obviously hurts to have to. to lose our friend Tom like this, but it is nice to be able to finally admit once and for all

that he was the only truly talented one on this show. Tom, I think the world of you, buddy. I love you. And I know you're going to kill it in the murder wind factory. I hope when you get there to town you get to see all of the the sites like the uh the uh the uh giant aluminum clitorist statue and i know you're a a big hockey fan so i hope you get to go see the uh the indians on ice the local team and um i hope you get to do all the things you want to do i know you're going to kill it in chicago man and um you know you're the best and that is why I will miss you

but these are great yeah I got a couple more but yeah everybody came through whew uh I fucking die it's so fucking

where is Robin oh yeah uh Robb is all about her well well actually I was thinking of it really reminds me of my story

have great news I love that is next to a text of her setting you, Mr. Blue Sky, with a Weezer cover. Oh, yeah. Robin, she said she only remembered to send in the voice memo because she wanted to troll me with the Weezer cover of Mr. Blue Sky, which Robin has vouched for so hard that I am now transphobic. Hey, Tom. You know, Tom Goss is one of my favorite people in the world, and I truly mean that.

Tom is one of the funniest people I know. an amazing comedian, very underrated. I know underrated is not a great compliment because it means that people don't know who you are. But I think that that will change in the future. I really do have a lot of hope for you. I'm not kidding about that. But you know what I really love about Tom

is his positive outlook on life. I know whenever I get a phone call from Tom Goss, I know, man, I'm going to hear a lot of positive energy I'm going to hear a lot about his gratitude about the world and himself. No, okay, look, Tom Goss is the only person. He's the only guy that I talk to on the phone. Because whenever I talk to Tom Goss on the phone, I know that it's going to be about gossip and feelings for an hour.

And essentially talking to Tom on the phone, it feels like I'm talking to a girl. And, and I actually, I do mean what I'm about to say is that I do think that Tom Goss is probably a girl and he is just so deeply closeted that he's just, he'll never come out because it would just be too much work. And I agree with him. Like, just, you know, don't worry about it. You know, it doesn't matter anyway. But yes, you're a girl. Don't know what else to say, except that I will miss you. But really, good luck with everything. I'm sure you're going to do great with whatever you do. Thanks, everybody. Bye. That is the ultimate compliment for a trans person when they start thinking of your trans.

So I take it as the highest honor. There you go. From you, yeah. From you what? From you fucking weirdos. Is Paige Wesley. Hey, mean boys. So Tom is moving to Chicago,

which, although is very sad, I will absolutely go. visit and eat all of the deep dish pizza. So I'll definitely see you again soon. And when Keith texted us to ask us to basically record something to send Tom off, I had a few different thoughts. I could write roast jokes about Tom. I could like use the extra jokes I didn't use during our battle. I could do any number of things. But I think the thing that might make Tom the happiest is instead if I just read off all of the roast jokes I didn't use for Nate Welch. And, hey, first of all, some of these might be in the video.

I don't know. That night is an infuriating blur. Some of these, I maybe was in a bad place. Who's to say? But here goes. Nate has a tattoo of the Godsmack logo. Why? So you can remember the time God sent a hurricane to smack your neighborhood?

or in 1803, the U.S. purchased Louisiana for $18. And I'm not saying that Nate grew up poor, but his whole neighborhood costs less than a pack of cigarettes. I've heard of po-boys, but this is ridiculous. Nate's home flooded because of Katrina. I don't know who this Katrina is, but I refuse to believe that Nate made a woman that wet. It's important to me that you know your bombing page.

bombing relentlessly in the room you texted me that you were going to do this and I said ha ha I mean up to you and that was clearly me politely trying to say this is a bad idea write something for Tom I just don't I don't it's very funny for several reasons

one she's already read these by me Siri tell me her B-sides and too I don't I don't really I don't really care one way or another about Nate so it's just but we got to no no let's finish oh no no don't

dude don't make me I'll put it at the end and I got one more from Jace Avery Hey Tom this is Jace Avery from the Lemon Party podcast like and subscribe

go to our Patreon thank you all the mean voice fans go to the Patreon and subscribe to that please thank you I just wanted to say that, well, I'm going to see you tomorrow, actually. So it's funny that I'm sending this message in now. I'm going to see you tomorrow and then probably feel too weird to say a bunch of nice things that I want to say here instead.

But Tom, I just always thought you're a hilarious guy. And you're also just a very nice, loving guy. I know I was supposed to roast you, Kise said to roast you, but I always, I'm really bad at that. I can only say they're really nice things or things that are actually mean and not funny. So there's like no in between. But I've just always felt a very kindred spiritness to you. I don't know how to say that in a not gay way. But I've just always felt like you and I jive.

The jive. Why am I saying fucking jive? God damn it. I'm not deleting it. I feel like anytime I've talked to you, it just feels like I'm talking to you. It just feels like I'm talking to someone who gets me in a way a lot of other people don't and who I get in a way a lot of other people don't. And I think you're going to have a great time in Chicago.

And I'll see you tomorrow and not say any of this at all. And to everybody else who said a voice memo on, if Tom didn't see you before he left, that means he likes me more than you. So, okay, bye. That's, that's super cool. No, I've been, I've been, I guess this is a natural time of plug. I've been doing leaving the tribe, so I had Jace back on since it had been six years, and it was a really good episode.

But, yeah, it was funny. Literally last night I was saying, like, I think I said, say the intro, too, is like, I haven't spent much time with Jace, but like, it feels like I know him very well, even though I don't, if that makes any sense. And that, I mean, that means, that means a lot. I mean, it means a lot from everybody. Yeah, it was very nice. By the way, I'm not ignoring you.

I forgot I have one more to play that I spaced on, but I can't pull it up on my phone. So, Connor, if you want to vamp for a second, I figured this out. So, Tom, which one touched you the most? Huh? All of them, man. Pages. Yeah, she read a few pages. I love page.

Hey, everybody. Keith from the future here. So about a day and a half after we recorded this episode, Opie sent in his voice memo for Tom. It was very nice of him to do, so much so that I will not make the obvious joke about Opie being the only guest who sent it in late. So here it is.

Yo, what up, Tom, this Opie, you know, former roommate, your favorite black man, that isn't a hockey player. Fuck, I'm going to miss you, dog. damn you're going to move in the truck in Chicago it's just part of your master plan to turn into a

into a hot dog alright well it's going to suck not having you around but you know hit me up if you ever just want to say some nonsensical shit and have somebody laugh at that shit because I will I miss you dog

stay up peace I got one more this is from our boy Nashville Will. Hey, Tom. It's Will from Nashville. It's an honor to be part of what I'm sure is a star-studded send-off for your Chicago journey.

I don't know where I'll be in the queue, so apologies if someone else has already called you a Sinti-ant Italian beef sandwich. The width and almost lack thereof of neck will let you fit right in to the Midwest community. Just glad you're getting the fuck out of LA and just making moves for your career and just your life in general. funny dude I always appreciate hanging out with you and we both know that you know while Keith and Connor are great Keith loses power the further away from the lay lines of Long Beach he is and Connor needs to be somewhere where someone

might give a shit about the type of shoes he's wearing plus I don't know if he'll survive anywhere that's under 75 degrees but hopefully we'll get to hang out some more since you're not that far away you know hit me up I'll come drive to wherever you're at I'm currently making a lateral move in my career by going to play a BMX show in Nowhere, Kentucky, where the promoter has assured he's given us a good spot right before the ring of fire. So it's glad to see a friend moving up the rung, you know, making moves, and instead of laterally moving themselves to an early grave.

But I love you, man. Good luck and, you know, yeah, have fun. That was very nice. Yeah, I'm excited that me and Will will be closer. That whole pipeline from the south to the Midwest is pretty drivable. I mean, it's like, you can go from, yeah, you can go from Nashville to Chicago and the time it takes to get from here to San Francisco, essentially. Yeah. So, yeah, that's a sentient meatball sandwich is also correct.

Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, also, before I get, I have merch that I've had for like eight months and have not plugged. and if you want a Tom Goss Zodiac shirt hit me up you got to pay for shipping so if you live in like Australia or whatever it will cost you like

I'm not wearing a Tom Goss Zodiac shirt well Will has them oh okay the merch was designed and created and Tom is not figuring how to get it to him yeah yeah okay classic Tom Goss conundrum

I left my merch in Kentucky I worked at a van somewhere Near a county fair of ill repute Yeah Yeah that's that's accurate But yeah if you if you want one Show me a DM on Instagram And yeah

They're $25 but it's plus shipping It's not worth it if you live Not in the United States Fuck that shit Order Tom's shirt if you live far away It'll cost you like $75 Just a heads up Yeah

Yeah, no, I've shipped on to Australia. Sure. People will pay it if they want your shirt. Yeah. So I'm going to talk yourself out of selling your merchandise. You need money. I do. I could use money.

This is the worst plug anyone's ever done. You fucking goober. Jesus Christ. Don't buy Tom's merch so he comes back to Los Angeles. You know what? If you were going to buy Tom's shirt, I hope that presented you to buy my shirt instead. But yeah, you got DME. There's no shop.

There's no anything. There's limited ones. You have to pay for shipping. And you have to rely I be getting back to you. A lesser artist would have put in the dozens of minutes it takes to set up a band camp and run all this.

I don't know who that is. I know you don't. Well, yeah. Yeah, I already have Instagram. Well, if you'd like to send Tom $50 and then have him forget to send you the shirt for a year and a half. You know where to find him.

Yeah. That was very nice. That's your doing that, both of you. Yeah, man. that's uh that's all i got unless we wanted two lightning rounders on you oh fuck can i still do it well now we got to do it yeah all right let's see let's try all right chicago oh um i mean pats was already so good do you remember what pats was uh something uh uh breezy murder place something like that good great yeah teaky bars oh um uh torchy torchy drinky drink

salad oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh, uh, burger, hold the fun. All right, a Jeep Wrangler. Um, uh, a, uh, a, uh, tiny tank. A scented candle. Ooh, ooh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, smell bomb. Okay. Yeah.

Tuberculosis. Uh, oh. Did I tell you have tuberculosis? Uh, uh, of the 1920s AIDS. J.D. Vance. Um, um, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, daddy, uh, daddy, slurp, slurp.

Uh, yuck. Lightseabor. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, burn you sword. Uh, uh, proctologist. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, but hero. Fascism. Um, uh, uh, uh, too, too, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um. uh did i tell you how to think for you tom name seven children's books oh charlotte's web cat in the hat one fish two fish uh harry potter um uh anna green gables little women

The Muppets All right, Tom Name seven things they do in Japan Oh, okay, uh, drink soup Um, uh, the, not J-Walk, uh, Fast Trains, baseball, cheering, uh, politeness, and fireworks. They do fast trains,

right? Tom, name seven things you put on a hot dog. Relish mustard, not ketchup. Not ketchup counts as one. Both, yeah, but okay. Bun, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, grill marks. Mouths.

Uh, spits. Good. All right, name seven of Donald Trump's policies. Oh, no brown ones. That's Van Halen's M&M, right? Yeah. No brown ones. You pay us to sell your stuff.

No penis ladies. Sorry, Robin. I am great. Make sure you like me. Kill the Woke. And I don't make out with my daughter. Tom, name is seven things you will miss about California. Keith, Connor.

Some of the callers. The weather My parents Um Puppap Puppopop Poo Poo Poo Poo Poo Poo Well that's as good a sign

Is anything you should move to fucking Chicago Yeah Um Anchor Bar seven years ago Um Um Some of the people who didn't call in Oh job

All job Yeah, yeah. I don't have a plan for a big finish here. Do we want to end it or do you got it anymore? No, I got nothing. Cool. Can I plug a couple times? No.

Yes, Puggy Day. So my special, I believe, will be coming out on Black Friday. There will be more information when it is released. The plan tentatively is Black Friday. Please watch it. And then I'm doing leaving the tribe. I don't know for how long I'm going to be doing it. but there's new episodes, and it's been a lot of fun.

So I know, for those of you who liked it back in the day, maybe circle around and give it another shot. Yeah, and if you want to stay abreast of Tom's goings-on, you should follow him on social media. Yeah, Tom Goss Comedy, I believe. There you go. I'm at Keith Tells Jokes on Instagram. Follow me over there.

I'm fucking around. I'm doing shit. The day this comes out, I'm in New York doing stand-up naked. tonight. So, yeah, if you're in New York for 9-11, come look at my wiener. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and then we're going to be doing it. Oh, yeah, 9-17. 9-17 will be in McHenry, Illinois, the Vixen,

and 9-18 will be at Zanis of Chicago, judging roast battle. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, that'll be fun. Oh, yeah, follow me at Connerick-Spadden, watch my special. Cool. I'm not going to wait to give you guys a 45-minute plug like these two.

It was 44 minutes. All right. Fuck everything. Tom is gone.