Mean Boys - EP 24 - Skeleton Island

Episode Date: June 23, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Slurs”, “Cunts on First”, “Carnok” and a round of “Which of the Following” with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode titles. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Not as fun since I quit drinking.

Oh my. How did it take us this long to get to that? I'm glad it's out in the open. What I make up for in fun, I make up for in self-righteousness. to take us this long to get to that. I'm glad it's out in the open. What I make up for in fun I make up for in self-righteousness. That's much better

for me. You might be boring but you're also kind of a dick. I used to be able to get the jump on you and now you're too astute. You know,

I didn't think there were many more ways for me to go oh you poor deer at people but this has just opened up another whole avenue

of condescension. Yeah, some people did it for like their personal well-being. Joe was just like I'm whole avenue of condescension. Yeah, some people did it for their personal well-being. Joe was just like, I'm running out of leverage points. I already got the breeder angle. I got the vegetarian angle. I know. You tisking grandma, man. Look, I'm just

trying to burn middle America. Tisking, what kind of gay thing is that? Is that like felching? Is that where you felch a shawl? It's when you cum in one ear and then drink the cum out of the other ear. That's how ears work, right? That's when you put your finger into a dab of cum and you just dab it on someone's nose. Keith went to the Tom and Jerry anatomy class. He was like, yeah, there's a tube in the brain that goes over the brain.

You ever get fucked so hard that you fold up like an accordion? Oh, my God. What would you fuck, like, when you get folded up as? Just a tuba. Yeah, I was about to say. Is there like a trombone or something? No, it's just like they try and fuck my butt, but it turns out it's just a painting of a butt. The coyote butt.

Oh, yeah, and then they run through. Yeah, meep, meep. Quick little Puerto Rican dick just slides in there. A quick little Puerto Rican dick. Quick is the best adjective for Puerto Rican dicks. Exactly. They're not distance runners. They're like a switchblade

of penile savagery. Swift and crafty. I don't care for them. What the hell is happening right now? They don't even live in this coast. Love of God. Mexican joke on! Abort!

See, this is what I explain in the podcast to people. I'll be like, look, you guys are very charming. You guys can just have a conversation. We cannot. There needs to be rigid structure. We're like a problem child.

We need a schedule and goals. The second we have like a minute of free time, it takes about 30 seconds to get into just crippling racism. Oh, God. Yeah. And not to mention racism towards the cripples. Who needs? What's that called? Fucking ableism or some shit?

Yeah, I don't know. Fucking whatever. All right. They stand up for themselves. An Ohio sorority girl has been found guilty of letting her newborn baby die of asphyxiation in a dumpster outside her chapter's home. In her defense, she pleaded that she was under the effects of postpartum hazing. Good God.

Baby dead. What? What? How else are we going to start the show? We're back. Donald Trump corrected his immigration stance by saying he would only ban Muslims from, quote, terrorist countries. The candidate proceeded to announce his, quote, one of the good ones affirmative action policy. An Indiana man charged with two rapes will only serve one day in jail.

A resounding victory for Indiana's new sex crimes bulk discount initiative. Oh, fucking Costco of tragedies. And my dad's got a membership, so I rape one, get one free. Al-Qaeda is encouraging lone wolves to target whites to avoid their tax being mislabeled as hate crimes. Joe Dodge told the same thing to his penis to avoid being mislabeled as progressive. You know, I fuck mostly minorities. Really? For posterity.

Do you really? Oh, yeah. With your economic policies? Yeah. A Canadian mother is speaking up after her special needs child was excluded from another child's birthday party. The host of the party responded,

look, we could only afford enough goody bags for 46 chromosomes. Oh, man. The Supreme Court voted to keep 30 abortion clinics open in Texas. A Texas abortion clinic is better known to the rest of the world as a mechanical bowl. Oh, my God. That is fantastic. Oh, do you think there's the conversation like, all right, look, we're keeping this baby, but I'll go down to Tony's with you.

I'm not getting on that bull. Don't think you're getting me on that bull. And he's like, all right, but look, I know you can have one drink and be pregnant. And then she's like, all right. And then fucking four cores later, she's like, well. Mary Sue, if it survives the tumble, it's God's will. And that's the story of Davy Crockett.

Yeah, let's fucking, let's, you know, let's shake the magic eight ball. Unclear. Oh, it came out retarded. Ask again later. No, I don't think so. England has voted to leave the EU this week. Britons around the world have expressed hope that their country will just put out one bad solo album and then reunite at Coachella for the paycheck.

I really like that. The state of Israel received its first F-35 stealth bomber. Prime Minister Netanyahu responded to the U.S. by saying, Daddy, you know I wanted the F-117. Oh my God. Holy shit. That's why I wish Ramsey would stay in the room. Are you Angela Merkel's court jester? What the fuck is that for?

Only this show. Oh, what a beautiful joke. Wow. So racist, but subtly so. Yeah. Governor Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. Meanwhile, Governor Chris Christie said he will vote for double nacho explosion in the 2016 Lay's creative flavor contest. Governor Bernie Sanders?

Yeah, he was a governor, wasn't he? He was a senator. Oh, what the fuck ever. Are you a super delegate in the Lay's New Flavor? The chair recognizes the man who barely fits in it. We need a new chair. His sweat stains on the leather. My God, I'll filibuster day and night for peanut butter and jelly chips.

Dude, filibusters would be a great name for a snack. Dude, you would totally, and then like the commercial with the politician, you know, making the speech. He's been up there for three days with his new caffeinated filibuster chips. I'll never stop. In the wake of Brexit, Polish human rights activists have been shocked

at the abuse of British Poles. They say this abuse is due to the anti-immigrant sentiments in the UK and the influx of borscht belt comedians. Jeez, how many Pollocks did it take to write that joke? Oh, dear. A study found West Virginia leads the United States in drug overdoses. West Virginia detained its state song to

I Was Born a Coal Miner's Oxy Baby. All right. Let's do this one. Actor Anton Yelchin was accidentally crushed to death by his Jeep. The last time a guy got slammed this hard from behind by a Cherokee was when Joe Dosh headlined an Indian casino. Pretty. I mean

it's like good. It's fine. They're not all winners. It's like when you get a Little Caesars pizza and you're like oh it's a good one. It's a hot and ready. Like a lot of my hookups. Oh no that app. That's like when you get a Little Caesars pizza and you're like, oh, it's a good one. It's hot and ready. When I saw that... Like a lot of my hookups. Oh, no, that app.

It costs $5, though. When I saw that, I was like, this is weird that he was in Star Trek and not Final Destination. Oh, no. A six-year-old... Oh, speaking of which, a six-year-old boy was killed when a refrigerator fell on him. His parents are devastated at the loss of their child and they have no place to display his artwork anymore. Just cry. The last thing is just your drawing tumbling down on you.

Oh, no. It's pretty ironic that it was a crayon hearse. I know. A fridge fell on him. At least he's finally the coolest kid in the neighborhood. Crayon hearse is definitely a band that you would, like, put on mixtapes for girls, Keith. That French fellow, at least he's finally the coolest kid in the neighborhood. Crayon Hurst is definitely a band that you would

put on mixtapes for girls, Keith. That sounds about right. A French woman has found her way to use a vibrating dildo to buff out

dents in her car. In other news, my rectum is like one of Howard Hughes' planes. All of those room, it's flush, Tony.

Wait, do you vibrate your butt? Oh, God, yeah. Oh. Well, you guys both look at me like that. Oh, hell yeah, bro. I'm kind of an idiot. Dude, why don't you?

I guess I just didn't have the right people in my life. Do it, man. Not enabled. You could just go do that. This is America. God damn it. Ten people were stabbed at a white supremacist rally in Sacramento. The Sacramento chapter of the KKK is calling it their least violent company picnic ever.

Their least violent company picnic ever. I have one more, and it's quite a little wise. Shall I do it? Yeah, well, Keith did poorly, so yes. Okay, I want to make you feel better. I feel like this is going to end badly for me. I just hope it's complimentary. Gangs are suspected in a fatal Fort Worth shooting at a dance studio.

Graffiti left at the scene read, Once you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first pillowette to your cold judgment day. Oh, yes. Bravo. Here's the one thing that consistently does well in Mexican joke-off. Weird song parodies. How did you tell the gayest joke? Oh, I know.

It didn't even have anal buffering or a Howard Hughes reference. Exactly. First West Side Story reference didn't come from me, folks. Jeez. It's the Puerto Ricans again. They came back. Revenge! We want the fuck in America.

Coming is but in America. Mean Boys will be right back. Hey, Connor, I'm super excited we're recording the Mean Boys podcast. It really is turning out great. Sure is, sure is. We talk about dead babies and recording the Mean Boys podcast. It really is turning out great. Sure is, sure is. We talk about dead babies and racism and people getting hurt. It sure is swell. I just need to know, who are we going to get to produce the thing?

Cunt. Now, I know Ramsey's a cunt, but who's going to produce the show? Cunt. I know Ramsey's a cunt. I tell him all the time, but who's producing the show? Cunt. I know he's a cunt, Connor. You're saying Ramsey's producing the show.

No. Then who's the cunt that's producing? That's right. You're not making any sense. I didn't name him, Joe. Name who? Cunt. Well, don't give it to me.

Save it for the show. Nuts to you, McSpadden. Keith, when are we going to record the next episode? 9-11. Yeah, I got a bunch of 9-11 material. When are you free to record it? I told you. Told me what?

9-11. I know. We can write material on it all day. That's right. But when are we going to drive to Ramsey's house to record it? 9-11. Keith, that's racist as hell. I know.

But when are we going to be free to produce a show for us? He told you. Who did? Cunt. Connor, I'm not talking to you. Cunt. 9-11. Cunt is going to be there, Joe. Who, Bin Laden?

What are you talking about? Well, Keith, who do you have as a guest host lined up for next show? AIDS. It's not that big a deal, Keith. I just need a guest host. I told you, we got AIDS. Well, you do. Maybe you haven't been tested in a while. I don't even know why I'm asking. We don't even have a producer. Cunt can get AIDS, Joe.

Of course it can. That's where AIDS goes. You need to be free on 9-11 so we can get AIDS for it. I'm not getting AIDS just for the podcast. I already did. I got AIDS for 9-11. Why? Do you think it'll rebuild the buildings? AIDS will be there with cunt. Of course it will. I know. All we're trying to tell you, Joe, is that cunt with AIDS is coming on 9-11.

Why? Third base! All right, Mean Boys is back with a brand new segment. It's time for New Slurs. New Slurs! Hate speech! Hate speech! We hate them. We took a gentle segment and made it a crime.

One take, nothing but net. The mean boys are professionals. I love that between the last sketch and this, this podcast is just decaying into just caveman grunts of hatred. It's just degeneracy. I'm glad that we're finally comfortable enough with each other to stop all this fucking foreplay and this facade that we are doing anything other than just pure evil. Pretending this is art and not a manifesto. We have truly hit the motherlode of wretchedness. All right. God help us all.

Speaking of which, mother of wretchedness, take us away. All right. Well, in light of the recent events in Orlando, I've decided the stray people from now on will be known as cunt fuckers. That's the best slur I can think of. You know, because Breeder just isn't cutting the mustard. It lacks the oomph. Well, Breeder is like, oh, yeah, that's great. Do you think of that in your sweater?

You know? Yeah. Cunt fucker. If you say Breeder. That's how you could spray paint on someone's wall. Exactly. You could etch that on someone's car with a rock. Breeder sounds very, like, 90s Bay Area lesbian. It's just someone's wall. Exactly. You could etch that on someone's car with a rock. Breeder sounds very, like,

90s Bay Area lesbian. It's just, come on. Yeah. Speaking of which, 90s Bay Area lesbian, Keith Carey. Ironically enough, British lesbians will now

be called Margaret Snatchers. I'm fucking out of here. Margaret. You'll not eat my pussy in the House of Commons. I forgot about the House of Bottoms. You need to do that. Word milk curdling.

Oh, yeah. He's the president pro tem of the House of Bottoms. New slur for androids. They'll now be called clinks. Dirty clinks. I don't want my son fucking no clink. Since we're on lesbians, I'm going to say lesbians will now be known as pussy smushers. Oh, no.

You ruined a lot of things. That sounds like a horrible infomercial product. Do you have a fat, puffy pussy? Billy Mays here for pussy smushers. Is your cat too fat? Make it flat. It lacks a dimension now. Look at us being right on top of the pulse of what's happening

with the fucking reference dude i hate the oxy cleans with the other dude and it's just like just like billy used to say and it's like your friend is dead bro shut up commercial stepdad commercial stepdad all right uh henceforth swedish people will now be called Sven words? Ooh, Carrie. Carrie, not a fan of new names. Big fan of new slurs. I'm killing it. Yeah. I think that female Native Americans need to be known as slot machines.

Oh, fuck. Oh, cunt fuckers. Awful. Slot machines. Oh, no. That's a lie. That's the best one. Hey, everyone in my hometown, if you haven't tuned in to Mean Boys, we have got a segment for you.

On that note, I've decided Midwestern people will now be known as corn syrups. I didn't love it. I love this one even less. No, please don't get in those corn stirrups, Keith. I'm really not proud of this one. Shoving corn up your asshole because one mouthful of food isn't enough. Black comedians will now be known as spade regulars. You cannot see the face that Joe's making, but I promise you it is disheartening.

What did you think would happen here today? I'm happy, but I'm not happy that I am. Are you replaying your coming out speech to your father? What the fuck kind of dialogue? That did not belong in a Levitil situation. Mercy. Canadians. Ice backs.

I like it. I've decided that gay Asian tops will now be known as reverse unicorns. I enjoy that quite a bit. Oh, man. Asian gangsters will now be known as broochie men. I like it. All right. Let's see.

Fat people will now be called gravy boats. It's offensive. Couldn't you see an old man be like, Oh, look at this fucking gravy boat looking down the street over here. Bumperin' around the neighborhood. I've decided that old Armenian ladies will now be known as Zelda zombies.

I don't get it. You look at them, and they stop you in their tracks. What's Zelda? Okay, remember in... Is it the video? Do you remember in Ocarina of Time when there'd be the zombies that you would turn around, and they'd go, and you would freeze?

I wasn't a Zelda dude, but I do enjoy you describing that. Well, Joe describing a video game seems like such a novelty to me. It's very specific. Ugly middle-aged white women will now be known as participation trophy wives. Oh, man. We were going to have Pat Barker on the show.

Oh, shit. Oh, man. We were going to have Pat Barker on the show. Oh, shit. Oh, no. I'm just kidding, Pat. Close it out strong, though. You're a bitch, Pat. I would totally fuck your wife. That's not better. Oh, oops.

If I win the roast battle with him, that's how that works, right? No. Black politicians will now be called shadow puppets oh no can i say the original one that kind of started all of this is uh is that i a long time ago decided black people should uh the slur should be jazz gorillas oh man we're really up i feel bad because there's a poster of Obama in this bunker. So every time we say these things, I just look over and see the leader of the free world. Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel good.

Well, it's time for a chemical bath. But in the meantime, let's hear from a word from one of our sponsors. Mean Boys will be right back. Wretched pig children! Tear your garments and weep tears of piss at the thunderous voice of Karnak, the Bloodfeaster. As you know, I am running for president of your putrid vomit satchel of a nation.

I am joined by vice presidential candidate Tyler Dawson. Uh, Mr. Karnak? Please, Mr. Carnock was my father, and I ate his organs and defiled his bride! Whoa, you fucked your own mom? It is a tradition! What do you want? Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

I was just gonna remind you about my new title. Yes, of course. Henceforth, the office of vice president shall be renamed. Pay your respects to Tyler Dawson, Archduke of Fat Titties. Sup, fags? The battle lines have been drawn for the upcoming election. The elephantine cowards of the Republican Party have betrayed me, opting to back the leather-hided mongoloid Trump.

It is of no concern. We will run as independent candidates, and together, Tyler and I will defeat both him and the villainous pantsuit succubus known as clinton karnak said when we win i can make hillary my sex slave and it's dope because i can bust in her all day and she won't get pregnant because she's like a hundred years old indeed her womb is as barren as the great plains of skeleton island as you prepare to celebrate the anniversary of your country soon to be eradicated independence we have chosen to America's rad as fuck. We have electric cars and we still murder hella brown people so we can drive dirt bikes and shit. You spend millions of dollars ensuring the insane can be armed

and the more they slay, the easier it becomes to acquire weapons of death. Everybody's so fat that I can just shoplift wherever I want and I just have to jog for a minute so the security guard gets winded. You systematically oppress the ape people of Africa and then make them sing songs celebrating their place at the bottom of the food chain. Nobody voted for city

council where I live, but 10 million people signed my online petition to have those bullshit girl ghostbusters get raped by Slimer. And have you been to a Taco Bell? Truly the most evil place I have ever seen. And I am literally the king of the hell that demons go to when they die. What we're saying is, is America's a fucking nightmare already.

Think about how much more hardcore it can be with us. Indeed, I have seen many terrors in my time. I have conquered the temples of the Spider King. I have torn asunder the great warriors of Fistfuck Mountain. One time I had dinner with John Boehner. But I have never seen such a consolidation of apathy, hatred, and

vile, sputtering cruelty as I have seen on the grease-stained lips of the American people. The other candidates say God bless America. We say America beheads God. So as you go to your parties of pool to roast meats and imbibe the unholiest brew of Bud Light, remember that Carnock is what this broken nation deserves.

Together, we can build a brighter tomorrow. And set it the fuck on fire. So sayeth Carnock. fire. So saith Karnak! Mean Boys are back and it is time to close out the shows we always do with a fan submitted round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. We have fans?

This didn't come from Tom pretending to be someone else, did it? Sadly, no. This is Dirk Ding Dong's fucking construction factory. We build buses and pants that I find in a graveyard. Yeah, I couldn't remember if I made the email Tom Wilson Pat or Wilson Tom Pat. Don't worry, it's not Tom. It's a different mole person. Tom is like a shaman that can only tell you when your crops will fail.

It's just nothing useful. Yeah, I don't do good news. Nothing drives me more insane than how much work we put into writing this podcast and how many people are like, you know who's great? Tom Cox. Oh, I know. Stay tuned for the mailbag. Oh, God fucking damn it. This comes from Ryan Colby.

Follow him on Twitter, at RyanColby1984. Hey, mean boys. I wrote a witch of the following for you guys. I hope it's halfway decent or that you mock it mercifully for being awful. Sincerely, Ryan Colby. How sweet is that? Either way, we're paying attention to him. Is this what you want?

You'll live another day. Is this what your dad didn't do, bro? And that's why you're fucking making up a cartoon game for a couple of idiots you don't even know that fucking are going to shout at you in a basement? Is that happy? Thanks, Ryan Colby. Anyway. That'll teach you to love us. That means that we like you.

Pulling your pigtails, Colby. Yeah, we're sniping our fans one by one. Yeah, really. We can really narrow them down. I mean, it just takes maybe eight tweets and then we're down to fucking zero listens every week. Which of the following is not a real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cartoon

episode name? I also wanted to do this because I could just feel Joe squirming as I read the email. Oh, my God. Yeah. Legend of Zelda is totally fine, but this is fucking somehow bad. One.

You hypocrite. Well, fair enough. Did you ever eat a go-grit and enjoy it? Then you shut up, all right? Enjoy the 90s with me, Joe. Dunkaroos are part of your soul. Dunkaroos. Who told you what Keith's called his bowel movements?

That's Keith's Australian name. I ain't dumping food in other food. Next week, Australian names. A, The Pulverizer. B, New Girl in Town. C, April's Unforgettable Capture. Or D, Of Rats and Men. Are you sure we're not doing the gay porn one

from the last episode? I'm certain of Rats and Men is real because people who write children's cartoons, they like to sneak references that no one would understand. It'd be like me if I were just trapped in Nickelodeon. Hell, we went to college and now we make this bullshit. I watched this really bad

post-apocalyptic web series where they made one episode every year and a half, and it was really shitty. And it had this one line of dialogue that I know some dude did a backflip when he wrote, thinking it was the deepest shit ever. And he just looks out at the battle-torn wasteland, and he's like, when you're living in a sewer, anyone can be a rat. Boo! Fucking boo Fuck you TA Don't you have some papers to grade

Harsh Shit god damn Harsh Can you run them real quickly one more time The Pulverizer New Girl in Town April's Unforgettable Capture Of Rats and Men

I'm gonna say April's Unforgettable Capture I'm gonna agree with Joe Fake episode but real pornographic TMNT fanfic April's Unforgettable Capture Oh I don't like the shocking twist on that hey man Ryan Colby does a lot more work in this game than I do I don't research a whole

other separate ironic thing for fucking humorly goose humorly goose is it too late to change the podcast name no number two serpent hunt a b pizza party gone wrong Was it too late to change the podcast name? No. Number two, Serpent Hunt. A. B, Pizza Party Gone Wrong.

C, The Pulverizer Returns. Well-made game. That's a funny callback. Ryan Colby, you really did it this time, dude. I like it. D, The Croaking. The Croaking. Pizza Party Gone Wrong has got to be real.

That's got to be like a last season. They're getting canceled. They have a pizza party, and has got to be real that's got to be like a last season they're getting cancelled they have a pizza party and it goes wrong that's one of the Dragon Ball Z's where Piccolo learns to drive not for anybody here, someone enjoyed it out there, don't worry about it guys the croaking is what my doctor calls my sleep apnea

just make the pizza party go wrong and burn down the slime fountain that's the horror movie I wrote about sharing a hotel room with you in Santa Cruz. But that was the Pulverizer. Oh, no, you did it. Who mattered?

Keith Carey. Was it his throat? Fuck. Was it his throat flesh or the rope in the conservatory? Was it his grease in the attic

with the small boy? It was his gullet with the gas station combos. I'm going to say Pizza Party Gone Wrong because I want to believe that nobody got paid money to write that down. I'm going to say The Punisher Returns. Fake episode. Pizza Party Gone Wrong. What? Keith Carey's batting 1,000.

Is that also a – I almost said gay porn. Turtle porn? I mean, it could be. I mean, we – In translation, he didn't. There's dog porn. There could be turtle play. No, no, no. There for, just turtle porn. I mean, it could be. Translation, he didn't. There's dog porn. There could be turtle play. No, no, no.

There for sure is turtle play. I've seen turtle play. That's when you suck an old guy's dick, right? What? Turtle play. Oh, you got to coax it out of hiding? Yeah. That's when you and the other subs have a foot race to the ocean,

and whoever gets there first gets to fuck, and the others are eaten by gulls. I thought it was like you suck it, and then you feed it a piece of lettuce. He's eating a cabbage! Joe, answer a gay sex question for me. If you have a bad experience with a sub, do they write a note to your real teacher?

He's like, the joke was C- tops. Connor's delighted to react to his own shitty joke. I want to slam him, but I just can't. There's nothing funnier than a barely acceptable joke. Well done. All right.

Number three. A, The Creeping Doom. B, The Weird World of Worms, spelled W-Y-R-M. C, Secrets of the Sewers, or D, Hot Rotting Teenagers from Dimension X. I'm going to say the real world of Worms

because Worms with a Y are like Dungeons and Dragons creatures, and it would not blow my mind to know that Ryan Colby was involved in other, you know, nerderies. It would hurt my feelings if he was involved in a Dungeons and Dragons game and didn't invite me to Skype in. It would be a... We should be playing Dungeons & Dragons game and didn't invite me to Skype in. That would be a... Sidebar, we should be playing Dungeons & Dragons at some point.

Bonus episode. Connor DMs the Mean Boys. Promotion's still going on when we get to 40 iTunes reviews. And then the other Mean Boys DP, Connor. Ooh. I don't like this acronym play. I'm going to say Hot Rodding Teenagers in Dimension X. Oh, Double Penetrate.

I just got that. Well, you need to be on board or it's not going to say Hot Rodding Teenagers and Dimension X. Oh, Double Penetrate. I just got that. Well, you need to be on board or it's not going to work. Jesus, Joe, this is your fucking vernacular. Joe, you don't remember your lines. Go back into the glossary they gave you and your copy of Gabor Lynn. I do own a book called Gabor Lynn. We know. It's come up so many times on this show.

The fake episode but real pornographic TMNT fanfic is Secrets of the Sewers. All right. The final round. All real or all fake? Oh, wait. No. We got one more. We should.

I think he did two all reals or all fakes. Okay. Okay. Which, yeah. Sure, man. Whatever. It's your game. I don't want to tell you how to do our thing. Okay. Which, yeah, sure, man. Whatever. It's your game. I don't want to tell you how to do our thing.

Whatever spices up your existence, you zero. God, bro. Thanks for the help, you fucking zilch. He has to like it or he wouldn't be a fan. If he's not jerking off to this, there was no point in doing it. It wasn't worth it. I agree. All real or all fake.

Yank, come out of yourself. Make some fucking goo. Hey, how about you cheese up that pizza in your fucking bedroom, you mook? Oh, with fucking seed. I'm sorry. This is Andrew Dash Clay, a character that happens when we do Check the Mics. Joe, why don't you check the mics for us right now? Oh, fucking Connor.

I'm going to fill your fucking colon full of goo. It'll be like a Twinkie with all the cream in there. Fucking hostess ass cunt. And then Ramsey goes, yeah, Joe, your mic sounds good. Keith, can you give us something? All real or all fake. A, a thing about rats. B, revenge of the Triceratons.

C, the Catwoman from Channel 6, or D, April's Fool. These are real. Yeah, for sure. These are real because fuck children. They're stupid. Let's insult their goddamn intelligence. Holy fuck children of America. Your brains are feeble.

Engorge yourself with mediocre cartoons. These titles all scream it's the 80s. Fuck you kids. You're dumb. Just don't do drugs. Weorge yourself with mediocre cartoons. These titles all scream it's the 80s. Fuck you kids. You're dumb. Just don't do drugs. We don't trust your intuition. Nancy Reagan, just say yes to bad titles. Those are all real. And the final round, all real or all fake. Double down on the all real or all fake.

Ryan Colby, way to go. A, 50... Oh, there's five of these too. He's breaking all the rules. A, Fifty Shades of Apritello. Okay. B, April's twin sister. C, Boys Night Out. D, Donatello's Desire.

Or E, I guess, 10-inch mutant Ninja Turtles. He wanted us to enjoy that very badly. Yeah. Oh, God, you guys, this bombed, and it probably hurts his feelings real bad. Oh, good. Well, you know what? Everyone wants to be a fucking mean boy,

but here's where you find out if you can hack it. Except we're the mean boys from the mean men. Mean men. We're drinking inside. I mean, obviously all fake. Those are all real, actually, guys.

Yeah, no. All right. Well, that was which of the following? I actually love the idea of users actually, guys. Yeah, no. All right. Well, that was which of the following? I actually love the idea of users sending in stuff. Oh, we do. Users, like we're a product.

Consumers! Consumers. Yeah, well, we had the other one with the punk rock names that Fanny Crapchanner sent in, so thanks for that. Dingle Bork, Dingle Dog.

Her username is... Yeah, so, dude, Brian, thank you for doing all that fucking work. Yeah, I appreciate that. That was a blast. And it was fun for me to read it, too, without having to write it. We've been goofing around a lot, but I seriously appreciate you listening to the show. Also, fuck your mother with a rake. Oh, on brand.

The business end, too. On brand. All right, we got a really full mail back here this week. Ryan Colby continues in his email also i think joe's mickey mouse voice and keith's goofy impression on the boom boom pineapple episode were far too good not to do a sponsored commercial skit slash bit about it perhaps just continue in the spirit of joe's joke with disney characters being secret satan worshippers i'd also like to talk take this opportunity to mention level later have you guys noticed that sometimes

one person is quieter than the rest and it's hard to hear when they speak? Yeah, we know we have a shitty podcast, dude. All right, we fucking are very aware. Ready complaints to Ramsey. I actually started using Levelator, so there you go.

And as far as the Disney Voices thing, by the way, all I'll say is stay tuned in the next couple weeks. Ooh. I may have something that I'm wearing.

And all I have to say is fuck you. We answered to no one. Go, what? New, uh... Die screaming. You even laughed at it like, Drown in bees.

I'm paying for my sins a thousandfold in hell. This needs to happen when they tear down Disneyland. Someone needs to raid all the robots and just set up an awful diorama. Email from Conrac,BloodGod. Subject, spineless podcast worms. His Twitter is, furpectival. Whatever awful thing that is. I don't care for whatever this is already.

Puny cunts, where is your podcast episode? I waited patiently in my hot blood tub for an entire week, awaiting my weekly hour-ish of ISIS-themed entertainment, and you failed to deliver. I demand an explanation, and should tomorrow come to pass without an answer or an episode, your mothers will drown in the blood of your unborn grandchildren. Do not disappoint me. Keep aside.

I'll take this one. You dare demand of the mean boys. I will rape your mother with my fist, turning her into the unholiest of Muppets. I will work her jaw and make her speak unholy prayers. Lowly pig child. Unsubscribe, fuckdick. I'm sorry, you were saying, Joe? Oh. Well. lowly pig child unsubscribe fuck dick I'm sorry

you were saying Joe oh well I was gonna say is someone else doing Karnak like watching

your daughter get fucked ain't nobody doing Karnak but Karnak motherfucker okay Bernie Karmack

that's my supreme overlord said Karnak you do you how much of this bullshit I gotta do tonight? I wrote this email just to watch Keith sweat more. I'm so damned! You're, by the way, the least sexy version of Keith sweat.

Pretty good! He also writes, also Tom Goss is clearly the funniest person to ever have been born i will pay you whatever sum of money necessary to lock him in a cage and record his insane ramblings for my pleasure i believe this will make up for your unacceptable silence uh tom has his own podcast listen to that you shit dick or don't locking tom in a cage would vastly improve his living situation i got walls now i. I got square footage. Whoa. Yeah, they gave me a trash can lid full of Cheerios. This is great. Yo, I got a whole door.

What am I, the Pope? I don't like these stick pokings, but I mean, what are you going to do? What are you going to do, not get poked by a stick? How else am I going to wake up and eat the poop? Please. Tom's the only person who would thrive as a member of a human centipede. I own my place. I'm at the front.

I'm a natural leader. I'm a team player. Ryan Colby sent us also the longest audio explanation I've ever read on how to improve the sound quality. And he ends and he says, I also created my own microphone with some electronic parts I soldered and an Altoids tin can. That wasn't too hard. Just took a little bit of time. If I can do it, you can too. If you want the 23, I converted to mono. Oh, he converted our episodes to mono for us.

Good Lord. Holy shit. He converted a tin can into a microphone? Is he going to... That man will pay you a nickel to sing into a can. He's going to convert a pipe bomb into unholy vengeance and use the community college he got kicked out of Okay, he also has some questions about Ross Battle

You guys mind answering them? Sure One, who's your toughest opponent? I'm going to say Keith I was going to say my toughest opponents were definitely the two of you I would say Connor was a little harder because we had to go three rounds And also I've known Connor forever So he was hitting deep cut shit

Me and Keith both hurt each other To the point where I went into retirement. That's the crime I committed on stage. That's how. And we don't need to talk about what that crime was, but. Yeah, and Keith fucking exposed my greatest lost love to the world. So I'm going to say that's even. That was fucking Rocky and Apollo. Yeah.

Did you ever have a battle where you legitimately hated the person you were facing? Also Keith. Yeah, that's fair. No, I didn't. I wouldn't battle anybody I didn't like. I'll admit I had one when I fought Eric Hollerbeck, a comedian from New Orleans. I actually legitimately hated him, but by the end of it, I kind of respected him, because he flew back just to get the shit kicked out of him by me.

And he landed, like, he was, like, a terrible comment, but he landed one really good punch, and I respect him for trying. Yeah. And for wasting a lot of money on that opportunity. I mean, people are dumb. Holler back if you're listening.

Quasi respect. Has roast battle ever caused you to become friends with your opponent afterwards or made you respect them more? Um, a little bit. There's always respect. I would say,

yeah, I'd say there's a couple people who I was like, casual acquaintances with who I feel like I know better and who I definitely have more respect for after fighting. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say the same thing, but nothing – no crazy love stories. I generally try and fight people that I already like. Yeah.

I'm not friends with George Perez after that. So like, you know, I don't know a ton of, you know, white gay guys from South Dakota are friends with active MS-13 members. He's deactivated. They flipped the switch on him. Jesus Christ, was he a fucking stolen iPhone? How does that work? Yo, I'm fucking booting down, dude. Yo, you got to hold my center button and the lock button.

I got killed by that dude from Blade Runner, dawg. Have you ever seen a battle in Here's in the rain, dude. Have you ever seen a battle in which you thought someone was robbed of a victory because of poor judging? I'm going to say mine with Keith. I'm going to say Al Magical fucked me out of that.

Al Magical fucked you by having great taste. I think it should have... I think I won the last round. I think, if anything, it should have gone to a tiebreaker. I'll give you a tiebreaker, maybe, but I think I came in hot

in that last round. I think you had two good ones and I had three good ones. I will rematch you one day. Yeah, we're going to do it. Anybody who's ever been robbed of a victory? Plenty of times. I mean, yeah, I'm not going to say I'm on air because I don't remember any of them off the top of my head. But yeah, bro, that's a thing.

Yeah, it happens. You just got to roll with it, though, and also, you know, it is what it is. Can you remember a battle where one really good roast joke won the battle or the whole match? Jeez, how many questions is this? There are two more. One joke won the whole match? I mean... Not the whole match, but I mean when Robin said, um,

Connor is like, uh, um, if I had a nickel for every time someone called Connor a dick, I'd be able to afford to get rid of mine or something like that. Connor's the giant cunt I wish I had. There it is. There was one recently like that where first joke of the battle, it was pretty much over,

is a friend of the show, Anna Valenzuela, fought Josh Waldron. Her first joke was, Josh is what happens if a 3D printer gets stuck on the word faggot. It's pretty funny. It was like a pipe bomb in the room. It was amazing. So that was pretty good. What's your favorite thing the all-Negro wave has ever done? Jesus, Charlie Rose.

I know, there's one more. Jeremiah Watkins shaving his pubic hair was pretty amazing. When we buttered Keith, that was pretty fun. Oh, that was real gross. Although we're not technically the only girl. No, we're not. We smelled like Thanksgiving for four days afterwards. I was a straight up just satanic grilled chicken.

Did Keith had four days of the year for that? Oh, man. I was straight up Glorpy Dog. Oh, Glorpy the Closet. Glorpy Dog. God damn it. DJ Glorpy Dog. Ba-ba-bam-bam-bam.

Gross. There was another one, too, but I can't remember what it was but yeah the wave's always great do you have a favorite oh shit i can't believe they said that moment um i mean most of it is that yeah i'm trying to think what the best uh probably my favorite roast truck anyone's ever written about me is i lost a lot of friends to heroin connor lost a lot of friends when his parents got rid of the trampoline oh man mr dan nolan i uh i think my favorite joke anybody's ever done about me was uh it was tie between you uh you connor did uh keith is part samoan not the country the girl scout and then uh j light did uh you really put the gut and faggot keep up the good the good work, Connor, Joe, and Keith.

Thank you, Ryan, for being so invested in us. It is baffling to us. I don't know if you could tell. All right, I have another one. Regular writer Jesus Medina writes, this was June 13th. That'll give it a little context. Why are such monsters in the world allowed to roam in this place we called home uh by the way allowed is spelled a-l-o-u-t

is he referring to us or the shooter i'm i okay this is legitimately what he wrote i'm on a supporter of the lgbtq plus community and i support you and your sexy lifestyles well thank you how are we somehow the most awful humans that ever lived and kind of a beat like we're the only like even a little bit gay people people know oh I know

yeah really you guys got a big responsibility now oh I feel bad Urkel felt in the 80s the only black. Ah, fuck them. Logo TV isn't pulling their weight. Someone's got to. Like, I'm trying so hard to alienate these people who love our podcast, and we just can't do it.

I want the BDSM-like relationship to continue. That's true. Our fans are like fucking abused girlfriends i want to ask them to send pictures or something like of them doing something ridiculous oh i don't want that oh god no keep that as a fucking don't open pandora's fucking dick pick box no i'm gonna do that hey tweet your dicks to the mean boys podcast if we get it okay this is how you really see if you have fans yeah tweet tweet a picture of your dick and we will retweet the biggest dick.

Yeah. Write the name of your favorite mean boy on your dick. We retweet just about anything. I don't know. How about this? We'll do some sort of prize

for whoever tweets us the biggest picture of their dick. How about this? I would really like it if people would send photos of their erect penises like pointing at

the Facebook page of Ramsey Badawi. There it is. Oh, man. If somebody will jerk off on a page of Ramsey Bedali. There it is! Oh, man. If somebody will jerk off on a picture of Ramsey Bedali, I will send you money. Not a lot of it, but I will send you money. And we'll make a bonus episode of some kind. We will leave you a voicemail.

Carnock will call your boss. Whatever you want to do, just bug, oh, my God, name your price. But we want Ramsey Bedali come tribute pictures. you want to do. Just bug, oh my God, name your price. But we want Ramsey Medalli come tribute pictures. We want them now. I really don't know why I'm so mean to Ramsey. This is happening. I just feel so right. Oh, God.

Well, this is the podcast for this week. Follow the show on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. You can find all of us there. We're still doing the thing. Leave us a review on iTunes. Every 10 reviews till we get to 100, we're going to put out the dumb bonus episode that'll be some

fucking stupid um cool piss nice boys too nice boys is once a year we can't we have our fucking health to think of Joe

I don't know Connor I enjoyed it last time do we wanna do we got any plugs kids uh the day this comes out I'll be at the

Comedy Store Belly Room for the historical roast playing George Carlin giving the business to a bunch of dead comedians come check that out uh the day this comes out I'll be at the Comedy Store Belly Room for the historical roast playing George Carlin giving the business to a bunch of dead comedians come check that out the day this comes out I will be at

Warp Zone at the Virgil the show I produce at 8 o'clock and then at 11.30 at the roast battle fighting Pat Barker so if you want to hear me come be a dick

check that out come on out the day this drops I'm going to be at Harvell's in Long Beach I am also going to be in Tahoe in that's not until September

I don't have anything relevant coming up I got one more I gotta plug that I think you might have forgot about July 1st me and Connor are going to be at Genghis Khan on a show called Gay for Laughs where we will be performing shirtless for the gay community it was booked as a lineup of straight comics

before I informed the booker that I suck dick sometimes. So I'm still on it. How do you think you got the spot? Ayo, this is not the first time we've performed shirtless together. No, nor will it be the last. No, certainly not. You guys are naked an awful lot together. It's fun, man.

Hey, Joe. I mean, when you got a good body, that's what you get to do. That's true. Let's do it, man. All right. Fuck everything. God is do. That's true. Let's do it, man. All right. Fuck everything. God is dead. Cunt your mothers.