Mean Boys - EP 25 - The Merits of Rhubarb

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Hell’s Box Seat”, “Dr. Mortaro”, “Mean Bots” and a game of “Which of the Following” by @Lacerbeams on Twitter with 50 Shades of Grey Quotes. Videos for Hell’s Box Seat: (1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL6aDrzs3Fs 2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5zZjfjAq9I ) Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... Living on borrowed time and money. Hey! My life is a tragedy. He's unlikely to live long, you see, because of ill health.

And charity is bereft in the world. I'm just happy you know the word bereft. Do I? Did you know the word bereft. Do I? Did you hear the sentence? Connor has a word of the day calendar and just uses each one to hurt me. Ooh, I need a slam of the day. A slam of the day calendar.

I think you can buy one of those at Denny's. How many thesaurus words are there for poorly raised and obese? Well, I think we're spoiling an opportunity for some great Mean Boys merch here. I think so, too. That would be fantastic if we had people that would buy it.

We could sell like three or four. Why is it cunt for every day in August? Look what we got, Lacey. It's a cunt-toberfest. We put Ramsey in charge of August, and he kind of fucked off. I am a fan of blaming Ramsey for a number of things, as you know. Indeed.

Yeah. It's like a cartoon nerd squirrel. They would just take his acorns and shove them off. What, doesn't Palestine have statehood? Ramsey, yeah. I mean, if Ramsey walked in the UN, you'd be like, what are you even fucking whining about? Just fucking shut up and eat your rocks. Next time you've got a speech to make, maybe don't do it in converse.

Alright, boys, do you think it's time to get in? Oh, do you guys have something? Oh, I was just going to say the idea of smashed his Green Day CDs. Glad I snuck it in. I like the idea of an Israeli tank driving over his entire, Topic bedroom set. Oh, no. My Sam Goody gift certificates were in there.

Just weeping into the dust that used to be the Jimmy E. World discography. Sam Goody. Joe. Well, you were not that much older than me. Yeah, but that's what sold Blink-182 CDs. That's where you went to buy your Blink-182 CDs. I understand it's an archaic reference. I literally bought Edelman of the State

from a Sam Goody. Oh, yeah. You do that. If your town wasn't big enough to have a Spencer's Gifts, you got your Sam Goody. You made do and you were thankful. Spencer's Gifts needs to send us a check for how often you reference them. They sure do.

Sam Goody should be like what we call a gay hate crime murder John Doe. A Sam Goody was be like, you know, what we call like a gay hate crime murder John Doe. A Sam Goody was found in the bushes in Aberdeen today. Sam Goody blood in Snake Alley. There's commie footprints all over it. This is a case for Powers Bottom, private eye.

Well, gentlemen, how about the Mexican joke-off? Hi, so topical. Yay. Boop, boop. I'll take it away. A South Carolina... Center yourself, Joe.

A South Carolina woman was arrested for stealing a home pregnancy test and a pack of condoms. Authorities are calling it the white trash version of if you give a mouse a cookie. She's going to want a glass of dick. San Francisco has opened a weed-friendly gym. It's being called the most confusing place in the world to use the word grinder.

Newark County, I didn't get it, and then I got it. Well, you don't have to use grinder if you're at the gym. You're already there. Yeah, I know, Joe. Are we poking holes

in the second ship right now? That's like calling an Uber to go down a block. I thought this was you're going to announce your new sandwich app for singles Grindr. What's the deal with using Grindr in the gym? You're already there.

A new study shows that American women have the biggest boobs in the world, while the Mean Boys podcast still have the biggest boobs on iTunes. That's us, gang. That's all of us. We're the boobs I was talking about. Oh, I like my vaudevillian influences rubbing off. My cup runneth over. Couple of boobs.

President Obama. Couple of rhubarb runneth over. You ever had rhubarb? No. Why have you? Because it's the only thing that grows in shitty South Dakota. We don't have citrus and plants with nutrients. We have fucking shitty fruit celery.

We make pies out of it. And we were thankful. It's fruit celery? That's what it is, basically. Really? It's the fruit version of celery. Fuck have fucking shitty fruit celery. We make pies out of it and we were thankful. It's fruit celery? That's what it is, basically. Really? It's the fruit version of celery.

Fuck that. That sounds awful. It's delicious. I don't have the time or the willpower to argue the merits of rhubarb right now. The merits of rhubarb.

Dude, that's like the worst one-act play ever. Yeah, we have a double feature cat on a hot tin roof and the merits of rhubarb. The merits of's like the worst one-act play ever. Yeah, we have a double feature, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and The Merits of Rhubarb. The Merits of Rhubarb was a shitty David Sedaris essay. Dude, take a sip of Sarsaparilla, finish your joke. Madam, Rhubarb paid for your tea house toilets and you'll be thankful. Jesus fucking Christ, Joe.

President Obama announced he will reveal the amount of civilian deaths from U.S. drone strikes. The member of the staff who guesses the closest will win the entire jar of jelly beans. It's candy for death. They're lives, you see. Oh, dear. Civilian deaths are like black jelly beans. They count as candy, but the real ones just throw them away.

But rhubarb, on the other hand, a delicacy of the highest order. Of the high plains. Alright. Comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions in her teenage years, and one abortion this year, which is currently streaming on Netflix. Claws!

Connor and I want a job. Connor and I want a job. We will sacrifice Keith for your glory. Take that, affable millionaire. So this is what you do with the stuff you can't sell to Kathy Griffin? Kathy, I'm a big fan. I'm not even joking. I was watching My Life on the D-List on YouTube the other night, and it holds up.

You look like a young Kathy Griffin. You're a young lesbian Kathy Griffin. It all makes sense now. Where's the Suddenly Susan reboot coming? Take it away, E-List. Dude, G-List. A 15-month-old therapy dog was shot by a neighbor in Sherwood, Oregon, for threatening his turkeys. The man said in his defense, anyone who threatens turkeys is an ally of the Islamic State.

I love that. The CMO of Chipotle was recently indicted for cocaine possession. The executive responded, look, I was just researching new ways of giving people diarrhea. All right. Yeah. Yeah. ISIS murdered 20 hostages last night in a Bangladesh cafe. Survivors said it was a terrible tragedy, but the service was fast and friendly and there was ample parking.

Three stars. The ISIS flag has one star. I don't know how many stars it has. We ought to know that by now. I know. Speaking of which, terrorists attacked an airport in Istanbul this week. Facebook has asked the country to come up with a more recognizable flag so they can give them their own temporary filter. Poultry company Purdue Farms announced it will begin slaughtering livestock in gas chambers.

Chicken Schindler remarked, I could have crossed the road more. Chicken Schindler! Chicken Schindlers are those little sandwiches at KFC, right? Dude, I love the barbecue Chicken Schindlers. Oh my god! Dude, I was watching Mel Gibson's Chicken Run the other night,

and that is a Chicken Holocaust movie. Yeah. Mel Gibson is Chicken Schindler. Very ironic considering his later political views on the subject. There's two things I know about these pies. The numbers are exaggerated. Oh, God. And maybe they had it coming. Some of those eggs broke before they made it to, whatever.

A mother stabbed her four children to death in memphis the mother is in custody while the children have been spotted kicking the back of the grim reaper's car seat and shouting are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet those kids died violently they sure did i i like that the grim reaper has to personally ferry all dead children to the afterlife i I'll turn this car around. Wait a minute. Yes, yes. I'll use. Death is the Uber of souls.

Anyway. I love that. A woman has been arrested for sending death threat texts to Stephen Hawking. She claimed he was being emotionally manipulative by taking forever to text her back. A Scottish woman who changed her name legally to a bus full of retards has won the Miss Hitler white supremacist beauty pageant. The ghost of Sigmund Freud

remarks, that's a very interesting dream, Mr. Carey. That was just so many words. That's like a David Lynch Keith Carey joke. Is that a real thing? That's a real thing.

Everything I said was right. Here's the problem. I don't like the white supremacist part. I do love that somebody's name is a bus full of retards. Yeah, no, that's not a good name. Tom Goss, what are you doing here? You can't make the bus full of retards. We have a very low packing capacity.

I can't get over the fact that Tom Goss said, we're not on the bus with you. You're on the bus with us. Like an extra chromosome Rorschach. Oh, God. Dude, it's like the new hobo with a shotgun, just retard with a fucking protractor. Stab. All right, last one. A New York man was arrested for shoving a bag of feces into a woman's pants.

Meanwhile, Connor McSpadden was paid $100 to shove a bag of feces into an audience's ears. Sass. It was $80. $80 and all the fucking Fresno tacos you can stomach. I could go for $100. Yeah, we all could. Buy our calendars, listeners. ISIS has spent $23 million on recruitment propaganda in Russia.

The campaign, which launched today, featured comedian Hakoff Klitsoff saying, In Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, archaic beliefs and juvenile disillusionment drive you. Hakoff Klitsoff. Thank you for putting Hakoff Klitsoff into my mind. I forgot about him. My day is enriched. We've talked about this for a while. Yeah, I was writing it. Oh, well, he's coming. Oh, yeah, he's still coming. I forgot about him. My day is enriched. We've talked about this for a while. Yeah, I was writing it.

Oh, well, he's coming. Oh, yeah, he's still coming. He'll be here. Oh, mercy. We got the MBU, the Mean Boys universe, you know? He gets a Netflix series first.

Oh, God, dude. He gets drafted into the big leagues. That would happen. Well, that's the Mexican Joke Off, gang. Hello, folks. It is I, Dr. Edgar Mortaro of Mortaro's Baby Coffins,

still your number one provider of all infant and toddler mortuary services. I would like to personally thank our customers for all their glowing reviews on the Yelp Internet program. Despite many members describing our business as opening doors in my soul God should have bolted shut, many praised us for our exemplary enthusiasm and service. You know what we say, a toddler in the coffins worth two in the crib. I must confess, loyal bereaved, I, like many of you, have held many antiquated beliefs on the subject of necrophiles. I believe they were merely nuisances who watched your baby menacingly through binoculars,

waiting for you to drop your guard for an instant and abduct your child and savage it to death. Pish posh! I have since learned that the barbaric urges these men endure are merely another innate sexual orientation. Mortaros would never discriminate against the LGBTN community, which is why I'm beginning Mortaros' baby corpse donation program. If you are the victim of a tragic miscarriage, bring your infant remains to Mortaros, where we will donate it to a necrophile in need, so he needn't kidnap the living. Abducting your baby, no. Savaging your baby, yes.

Just think of the brilliance. Thousands of American necrophiles needn't bother with kidnapping, nor ensure that your baby's violent sexual devastation be its first and only memory. Oh, Mortaro, you're more crafty than an Estonian. But Edgar, you say, my miscarriage was of the more gelatinous persuasion. Surely its bloody formlessness could never arouse a sexual stirring in a necrophile? Nonsense indeed! I assure you, your fetal remains will make a fine sexual sheath, no matter its lack of development.

I hear Cupid's arrow strikes around the stewed tomatoes aisle. This is Edgar Mortaro of Mortaro's Baby Coffins, reminding you, don't count your chickens before they hatch, count the savings after you don't count your chickens before they hatch. Count the savings after they don't. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. We are going to unveil a relatively new segment I like to call

Hell's Box Seat. This is a segment in which I find some, in some way, demoralizing or just contemptible video on the internet. And we do a little running commentary under it. And the idea for this is that in one way or another, we basically punch our tickets to hell through making light of this. What I've brought for you today, these are some videos that have been very near and dear to me. You guys have all seen the movie Snatch, right? Yes. Okay. Brad Pitt's character, a pikey.

These people are real, and what they do is these little traveling clans of people in really rural fucking white trash Ireland, and they're these little inbred little clans of people, and they have feuds going back and forth with each other. They're like McGypsies. Yeah, yeah, and they settle them with bullshit boxing fights. But what they do, they film little videos of just shit-talking

and calling the other members of the clans out. And then once they do that, then they have to respond. And then eventually a fight happens. And they used to just record these on VHS, and now they take them to YouTube. And now what I have brought for you today is some fight video between two travelers,

Big Joe Davey Joyce and Simon O'Dowell. This is a fight video from Big Joe Davy Joyce right now. Hello, Simon. I've seen your replay there. No advice. Squeak, as I call you. I've seen your replay there on the Internet. The machine is carrying all this Internet shit to computers.

You're saying who you are, skip the queue. Skip the queue to fight me. This looks like Tom Goss from the future. Yeah, this guy's going to come back naked and try to kill him. Yeah. Close the loop. Squeaky ears. Weird thing to throw in.

Squeaky. We can all do that thing. We can all fight with our hands. You're willing to fight with your hands. Come out now or come out and fight with your hands. We can all do that fight. Close me in there. Yeah, don't be squeaky good for nothing rat pies and bastards. You're good for squeaky on rat pies and pasta.

He's wearing swim trunks. He's wearing board shorts. Of course he's wearing board shorts. Oh, well, I mean, that's... Where do you think the company O'Neill came from? Oh, my God. This may be in the middle, like, outside of Belfast, but these videos are long beaches.

Oh, my God. This guy looks a little Bell slow. Ireland is to the UK when Orange County is to Los Angeles. You look like a Down syndrome and your ears are squeaky. Oh, God. Well, I mean,

you're always looking for a four-leaf clover. I think this guy's got four-leaf chromosomes. Oh, God. He's the same body type as Keith. I was going to say,

I kind of want to fuck this dude. Yeah. This is your type, Keith? Well, I'm all over the place. Let's get with his shirt off. I think his unibrow gives hope for the state of Northern Ireland. Something fun, United. I got to stop right here and set something up.

Apparently, another Joyce fought no Donald so badly and knocked him out, and he hit his head on the concrete that now he's, what do they call in Ireland, a spastic, which is a word, which apparently that's the cunt of Ireland. That's like the worst swear word to call someone a spastic. So Joyce rendered in O'Donnell a spastic, and now he shits in a bucket. Joe, I like that you're the Joe Rogan of rural Irish combat. You're like, yeah, he had some great footwork in that fight. Okay, stop it here.

He's giving him shit about the size of his head. I haven't understood a word. No. He looks like a potato that's been splotchily rogained. Again, it's sort of like you talk about, you know how black people can basically call you a blank ass you-know-what, and it's just an insult?

Like the same way the pikeys can just turn anything into an insult. Your head is as high as Ireland, and I don't care for the lot of you, and you're stinking, you're a squeaky-eared bastard. What could squeaky-eared possibly mean? Why did I tour the wrong parts of Ireland when I was there? I want these dudes to write, like, WWE promos. Connor. Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Your head's the same. Tonight the Undertaker is going to knock a potato into your flooby-doop leprechaun shit pipe or whatever the people were saying. Connor, this is how

I know you were on vacation when you went to Ireland. The fact that like if you were doing shows when you were over there, the fact that you're not the most popular comic among this crowd

means you were really just over you. Come on to Connor O'Rourke's fan. He's a squeaky-haired cunt and I like him a lot. Did you know he's very funny? He's doing a talk about the microwave pizzas

and the O'Donnell's ain't nothing but shite. I don't cover the Grover Cleveland bit. Here comes my favorite part of the video. I don't know. Right here. What? I hate his fucking surfer dad board shorts. This guy doesn't even have custody of his sheep.

He's talking about the guy rendered retarded. He's shitting a bucket for two weeks. Okay. weeks okay he just called he just called simon o'donnell i'm officially christian and you shite in a bucket so he's shiting a bucket now to everyone throughout the emerald isle it's gonna be in a you know he's gonna go back in time and write it in a joyce novel that's how they work yeah i mean the fact that like it sounds like the name of like a dish you know what i mean He's going to go back in time and write it in a Joyce novel. That's how they work. Shite in a bucket. Shite in a bucket. Not the worst nickname. Yeah. I mean, the fact that like he –

It sounds like the name of like a dish. You know what I mean? Like shit on a shingle? Yeah, yeah. Shite in a bucket. You know, like it's silly. That's an egg and toast. Wherever Pikey's normally shit, it can't be that far stepped up from a bucket.

Yeah. It seems like it's a compliment. It's like, oh, he got a bucket. It's good for him. I mean, what's a toilet – He's coming up in the world. What's a toilet in a caravan? Anything but a bucket that's attached to your house.

Man. A question for the philosophers. So that's the two-hour plan is shite in the bucket. What do we call ye? Shite in the bucket. Everybody. At your same time, I'm only one note. Within my, if I'm only one note, that's the first I heard of it.

But if I'm only one note, you've been a bad bitch. You've been big in the back this night. If I'm only one note. So come out now. I'm going to get the show on the road. He's showing off his moves. Yeah. With a child walking around in the background. Yeah. You big showing off his moves. Yeah. With a child walking around in the background. Yeah. You big, tall stream of misery. Wow. That wasn't bad.

It's like, even in Ireland, even their dumbest people are poets. You big, tall stream of misery. Case in point. Yeah. Exhibit A right over here. I didn't know Ireland had juggalos. This is the point. I know.

Yegalos. Shaggy too dope. You ain't know Ireland had juggalos. Yegalos. Shaggy too dope. You ain't nothing but shite. Your clown makeup is shite. You have a spray paint mind. You've got fumes permeating your face and your skull. I don't like a lot of you. Yeah. I post it for you.

I post it for you. I'm not none of your fucking jugglers. Come out now, Simon. Use the name. Use the name. I know a name. Use the name. Come on down and fucking fight. Shite in the bucket.

Shite in the bucket. And that guy walked off to go, shite in a bucket? Yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. This has almost a million views. I know. All right. And we're going to see Simon O'Dell.

Now we have Simon O'Dell's reply to David Joyce. Because you can't. We're going to see the fight again. Because these are like southern gentlemen. Oh, shit. Macklemore smash. That's what you know. That you never had a son. That Ben O'Dell.

Did you hear me? Oh, my God. Right? You're coming up. You're coming up. You told me. You're sent me. You told me.

This guy looks like the bad guy from the Incredible Hulk movie with Ed Norton. Why does he sound like this? You junkies bastard. Yeah. This guy described himself as in the prime of his life. He's wearing a wife beater in front of a brick wall that was built before the Industrial Revolution. He doesn't look like he's had a non-funion meal in a month and a half. He sounds like a Buzz Lightyear doll that got wet. They still make DVDs.

Is that how you know we're in a digital age, that they're talking about DVDs? Watch your sons. He just had his sons. What is her obsession with rat poison? I don't know. Oh, he tried to give them rat poison instead of cocaine. That's what he just said. Oh, shit.

Whoa. Oh, now I'm all on his side. That's not okay. If these guys just teamed up, we agree that could be the Stars of Iris Jackass. Oh, God, yeah. Jack Arse. Jack Arse, you're right on time. You drove too fast into a tree.

I'm Johnny Clarney. That's Steve-O with an apostrophe. Oh, Steve? All right, well, Steve. I'm in a big tool full of shite. It's attached to bungee cords. I regret my life choices immensely. Fire away now. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Mean Boss Podcast. Greetings, disgusting swine toddlers. It is I, the Prince of the Trough of Misery, Keith Richards Carey. And I, the barbillion-ass clown with the Byzantine vocabulary, Joe Dosh. And I a humorous interruption at your expense. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was hurtful because of its accuracy. That's the point, Pudding Bot.

Now I will attempt to retort and trail off when I realize I didn't know where I was going with it. Don't fret. Keith will change the subject to something tangentially related to assuage the awkwardness. Don't let putting bot off the hook Keith. It is time for the Macintosh joke off. Aye, so digital. This week a baby died, now a misdirection related to the circumstances surrounding its passing will provide mirth. Indeed. Speaking of dead babies, a baby died. Now Keith Butt will make a sincere attempt at topical humor only to find it does not compute.

Newark County Landfill. Keith's motherboard is a whore. Now we will awkwardly make small talk until Connor throws to break. Mean Bullets will be right back. All right, everybody. Mean Boys is back, and it is time again for another fan-submitted game of Which of the Following? What? We have two fans. Two fans.

I'm counting. Yeah, and we also got another one from the same guy from last week, but we'll probably do it next week. If anybody else wants to send in shit, please. Ryan Colby, give it a couple more weeks. You're bumming me out. You shouldn't have this much time. I agree. We barely have this much time. I know.

Yeah. This week comes from Lacey Madison, longtime fan of the show. Twitter at Laserbeams, one of our earliest, an early adopter of the Mean Boys. That's a very nice lady who we've actually spoken to on the internet. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah, she actually was an early adopter of the Mean Boys back when it was just MS Doss and MS Dosh.

I was into them before they got less famous. We somehow get more obscure. Yeah, I was into them when they had potential. Back when they were on the regular web and not the dark web. Yeah, one day we're just going to walk out of this bunker and there's just going to be sandworms outside and there's just no leaving. Can we get this podcast on tour, like on the dark

web? I think that would be fantastic. The Silk Road presents the Silk Road Podcast Network. The Mean Boys and Fingerprinted Shotguns. Learn how to file the serial number off your heart. Holy fucking shit. Well, that's our new business card.

Yeah. Which of the following is not a real Fifty Shades of Grey quote? Oh, God. Joe likes to call Fifty Shades of Grey... The Mein, God. Joe likes to call Fifty Shades of Grey. The Mein Kampf of basic bitches. Yes. Thank you. So, number one.

A. Desire pulls dark and deadly in my groin. B. He said such loving things today, but how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me? C. All I wanted to do was sit on his face. Yeah, this is pretty bad. It's pretty awful, and I know a couple of those are real. Really? How do you know this? I know things. Oh.

Did you read the book? No, shit, no. Chelsea liked Fifty Shades, didn't she? No, she didn't. Okay, that's good. That's good. The one before her did, though. shit, no. Chelsea liked Fifty Shades, didn't she, Keith? No, she didn't. That's good. That's good. The one before her did, though. Oh, boy. God, you were just trying to fuck some basic indie, aren't you?

Oh, so many Beyonce lyrics now. I'm so bored. Keith's arteries are Fifty Shades of Yellow. Finger me with normalcy. Finger me with normalcy? Like, that's the worst Blink-182 lyric ever. Finger me with normalcy. That's the worst Blink-182 lyric ever. Finger me with normalcy. Yeah.

There, 40. I'm going to go with the Chase Lounge one, just because, as I understand it, the book is mostly about the woman getting the crap kicked out of her. I'm going to go with that one, I think it's real. I'm going to go with B, the crap-kicking one. The fake one is C. All I wanted to do was sit on his face.

All I want to do is crush your nose. This isn't ergonomic, but it'll make you come anyways. There's something in the air where just late 90s shit music is coming back. I don't like it. Yeah? That was a Vitamin C song, was it not?

Oh, I have no idea i remember vitamins yeah i'm giving you shit but i know who the fucking artist is i mean what was i gonna say um yeah i remember on the amanda show remember the amanda show the amanda bines yeah i mean it was just called the amanda show uh anyway amanda was like yeah i'm feeling sick today and then someone was like i think that's because you haven't had enough vitamin c and then vitamin c came out and did a song they just they squeezed her out of one of those big emergency tubes think that's because you haven't had enough vitamin C! And then vitamin C came out and did a song. They just squeezed her out of one of those big emergency tubes. And that's the day Amanda Bynes went mad.

You're making it sound like a telltale heart. Edgar Allan Poe writes the end of Amanda Bynes breakdown. Darker than the gag that flows within my heart! Bring in the lobsters of madness. You want to hear a joke? The darkness is all that.

Wasn't she in a soccer movie? Who loves the abyss? Kel loves the abyss. I gazed into the abyss and the abyss said, welcome to Good Burger. Home of the abyss. I gazed into the abyss and the abyss said, Welcome to Good Burger. Home of the Good Burger. Please move on.

I'll do this forever. I went to shock therapy and he said, I'm going to hit you in the head with a fish. We have a lot of fun. Number two. Mentally, A. Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel. B, I don't make love. I fuck.

Hard. C, he said he liked seeing me in pigtails because it made him feel young again. Or D, his voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel or something. First of all, nothing makes you feel older than a girl in pigtails. Anytime I see one at a function, I'm like, what am I doing with my life? Why is someone drinking beer? This is how old-timey Joe does. He doesn't go to parties, he goes to functions.

Ice cream socials? I'll write the social off my engagement list. Every time I'm at the Elks Lodge. Felching socials. Oh, boy. my engagement list. Every time at the Elks Lodge. Felching socials. I know the big rhubarb expo isn't down. Oh yeah, you're going to BarbCon? Oh, I rue the day.

BarbCon 2016. Is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable? Who cares? It's bad. And it's in your mouth. You know what? I'm going back to South Dakota in a month, and I'm going to bring you guys some rhubarb

coogan so we can try it on air. And I'll bet you... Rhubarb coogan is for sure like an old jazz trumpet player. Rhubarb coogan. Rhubarb coogan. Joe, if we do not do rhubarb on-air taste test, you are fired from the podcast. Tom is in full time we're gonna make him gay

I will leave I will leave my mom in a radiation treatment like I gotta get some rhubarb coogan I don't know I'm gonna tell you well okay

Tom gay I mean well we lock him in the basement with the Spice Girls posters and I think we just kind of we're gonna fucking

Ludovico treatment someone painted a vagina over his asshole and I'm like, oh, whatever. I can't trust my perception anyway. Everything's an illusion. I'm going to fuck this crevice. I forgot what we're doing. Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.

That's the fake one. I'm going to say that as well. All right. The fake one is see again, which was his... he said he liked seeing me in pigtails because it made him feel young again. Well done, Lacey. You've stumped the boys. Lacey's doing the SAT treatment where it's like, oh, they can't all be C.

Yeah. You know. Three. I must be the color of the communist manifesto. B. I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deeply inside me

as he rips through my virginity. Did you say argh like a Scottish pirate? Arrgh. Aye. Bucket of shite. Aye, aye, aye. Let me tell you a big joke, guys.

You put your fingers in me and my vagina one time too many. The rat, filthy rat, poison bastard. Fifty shades of shite in the bucket. You have no sense of foreplay at all. Fuck ye.

You have no idea how to treat a woman and get her a fucking motor running. Fuck ye. Fifty shades of fucking. Or D, I feel I'm thrusting inside of me like the rhythm of a Native American tribal chant. Holy crap on a fucking dick. Yeah, I didn't know anything about this book before. Oh, it's real rough. Okay, if you like this, kill yourself

Agreed I will say And if you like our show, don't kill yourself Help us out there We have a review first I'm going to say A, The Communist Manifesto 1 Because I feel like that was put there by the author To convince herself she's not an idiot

See, I thought I said a smart person thing I'm not writing She's shitting on Lacey, our oldest fan. I'm not writing. She's probably early 30s, but I mean, I'm the only one. I'm not writing masochistic Hallmark cards. I'm smart. I'm going to say B.

The fake one is D. I feel them thrusting inside me like the rhythm of a Native American tribal chant. Lacey, you're crushing it, man. I'm on fire. The last one, all real or all fake. A. Don't you like the butt drawer don't you like my little socks well there's the alternate podcast title

the butt drawer when keith and i get our own show on outq that's what it's gonna be what's outq it's gonna be What's OutQ? It's the fucking gay SiriusXM station You can't tell them about it It's like a Dick Frank to Carol Where is it on the dial? Is it behind the bush? B. My inner goddess is doing the merengue With some salsa moves

C. I like your kinky fuckery I whisper Or D. He reaches between my legs And pulls on the blue string What? And gently pulls my tambon out And tosses it into the nearby toilet Now that one's a feint But how about this

I know that kinky fuckery is real Neither of you guys watch Game of Thrones These are all real or all fake The actor who plays Tywin Lanner on Game of Thrones Did a dramatic Fifty Shades of Grey reading where he goes i like your kinky fuckery and boy did i come all over the place uh in conclusion all real and my balls are drained good day okay new joe spank bank yeah i like your kinky fuckery you want to get in my butt drawer you You butt-drawer. My butt-drawer.

Just old screwdrivers and Keith's cone and fucking measuring tape. Rubber bands. Does anybody need half a thing of Tic Tacs? It's rattling around and they're all loosey-goosey. They are all real, gang. God help us all. That was Witch of the Falling. Well done, Lacey. You got them on almost all of them.

We have one more email this week from Conrac at Perpectival on Twitter. Message to your mean boys. First off, thank you for reading my mail this past week, and thanks for actually putting out an episode. I understand you have a busy schedule of mediocrity, so squeezing out this minimal effort once a week is probably pretty taxing, though the fact that it is still as funny as it is certainly counts for something. I understand Keith was upset with my Carnock impression.

Well, Tom, it's more than welcome to come see me about it. I live on the third floor of an apartment complex with no elevator, so if it's hard or needs, don't give up on the way up. I won't even put up a fight. Something tells me it's a safe bet. Thank you for both reminding me I'm not the worst person I know and simultaneously giving me something horrific to aspire to. Even without Tom...

Oh, go fuck yourself. You guys put out the funniest podcast I've ever heard. Thanks for being a bottomless darkness in the unbearable light that is life god is dead yada yada go fuck yourselves why did you read that like a telegram god is dead stop i jerk off on keith's grave stop by the way we're still running the mean boys jerk off on a picture of ramsay oh yeah we haven't gotten one of that is bullshit yeah any listen if you can i mean you can get creative with it any kind of just defacing of rsey Badawi, our producer of any kind, we will accept. But, like, preferably cum. Like, at least Cetaphil.

At least fake it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, just glom some mayo on your laptop screen. You know, if you have, like, an iPhone 4 you're looking to trade in, don't just throw it away. It's going to go in the garbage patch. Put some fucking Gillette and just cum on it.

Shroud it in gum. I think they check for that now. Slaves make those. USA. How come the more we get feedback from our fans, the less I like our fans? Oh, I know. Our fans are like a fucking golem that's just come back to kill us after it's done our bidding. Yeah, our fan base is a monkey paw wish gone awry.

Oh, yeah. They're all like, they put so much work into these messages. You know? Yeah. There's no... That was ornately crafted. We've got no short emails. They're all like essays.

Well, and guys... Damaged Mean Boys. And who's kidding who, you guys? When we shit on our fans, we're looking in a mirror, you know? Yeah. Just squatting over a mirror on our floor. Who's kidding who? You know what separates us from them?

Microphones. Yeah. Well... The serfs are rising up. She's plodding over a mirror on her floor. Who's getting who? You know what separates us from them? Microphones. Yeah. Well. The serfs are rising up. Futilism of hate. Serfs up. What's going on? We're still, once we get to 40 iTunes reviews, we'll put out a bonus episode.

So we'll fucking review our show so we don't look like an illegitimate operation, guys. Okay? We just want to make it to, like, the... What is it called? I just want to beat the worst show on NPR. The Fresh and Fruity or whatever. You know? Like, I just want to get above, like, you know, fucking the Cufflink Hour with, like, Bobby Liberal.

Malcolm Gladwell just started a new podcast three episodes ago, and he can suck my fat dick. You hear that, Mean Boys fans? Death to Gladwell! Terrorize Ramsey and Malcolm Gladwell! This is your holy charge, minions! For how long? 10,000 hours? 10,000 loads. Anyone got anything they want to plug? I do. On July 5th,

I'm going to be in San Diego at La Stats with Melissa Villaseñor, who could not be a more opposite person than all of us. So it'll make a very good show, I think. I don't have a calendar on me. I'm around. Check me out on Facebook and stuff. The weekend of Comic-Con.

Come down to San Diego. Me and Connor will be doing the burn booth down there. We'll be doing the burn booth, and we will also be at the Comedy Palace for six shows, six chances to catch us. We're doing a lot of shows at that club. Yeah, and on July 12th, I'll be roast battling Kim Congdon at the World Face Comedy Store in the belly room at the stroke of midnight. By the way, Keith,

so it's officially noted, your roast battle against Pat Barker, that might be the greatest one I've ever seen. That was fucking fire. Thank you. Three out of five. Suck your dick. It was okay. Speaking of fractions, catch two-thirds of this podcast on Comedy Central. Yeah, three out of five. Suck your dick. It was okay. Speaking of fractions, catch two-thirds of this podcast on Comedy Central.

And on that note, thank you guys very, very much for listening. Fuck everything, God is dead. We shit on you a lot, but I love that. Wait, interrupt Joe. I just had one compliment. That's enough. It's all right. Do it. No, it's all good.

Oh, hey, everyone. Stick your dick in a lawnmower. Goodbye. ... ... ... ... ...

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