Mean Boys - EP 27 - Old Timey Queer Shit

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Auschwitz Guard Trial”, “Pokemon GO Cruising”, “Meanifestos” and a round of ���Which of the Following” with feminine hygiene products by @NatalieHazen. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast, our weekly attempt to drag God down to hell with us. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A fetus made with too much cum. No! You're overstuffed.

You sure are. You overwatered the lawn. No, no, no. Now it's all marshland. You got too much baking powder. The souffle is too fluffy. Like a Chipotle burrito, but you put too much in there and the seams are just splitting. He does have the most glisteny Anglo-Saxon skin.

Connor, you always look like you just molted out of a carapace. Hey, just blame my dad. He overdid it with a pineapple. You look like the cutest retard. On the cover of Down Syndrome Today. Dude, can we please do a Down Syndrome calendar for the people? GQ goofball. By the way, Connor,

do you want to tell Keith he has fucking electrical tape on his face or something, or should I? Wait, what? No, there's some more on his face or something, or should I? Wait, what? No, right here. Oh, and you're... No, there's some more on his neck over here. What happened to you? I don't know.

God. I don't know. I'm all fucker. Why'd you answer that like the Cholo sponsor? I don't know. What's wrong with my face? Did you fucking just dive into a big plate of black forest? I may or may not have, yes.

Oh, my God. I just want you guys to know, by the way, there were cupcakes made for you by my girlfriend, and I ate them out of spite. Just preemptively knowing what was going to happen here today. I have absorbed your white flour, and now I will destroy you. Your carbohydrates belong to me. Oh, Jesus. Did your fucking pancreas burn down your grandpa's village or something?

Revenge! A pogrom by the bankers. Yeah, today, this is totally true. I hiked like two and a half miles up and down a mountain and then immediately went to McDonald's. And I've been wanting to invite you out for a hike, but I'm like, I don't think he'll survive. I barely did, but I'm going to try and do it once a week.

Oh, okay. I'm trying to fix me. Okay, well, we'll get your replacement ready. Sounds like it's time for the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. Well, we'll get your replacement ready. Sounds like it's time for the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. Tom, you're on call. Buy that plane ticket back from Chicago. Oh, by the way, a bonus episode is coming.

We hit 40 iTunes reviews. We're at 41 now. Thank you. Keep reviewing the show. It helps us out. But we will have a special extra long just Tom telling us about his journey through middle America. People want Tom, we're going to give you what you want. We're going to give you a big dollop of Tom.

He'll also be sitting in as a guest on the regular show that week. It'll be good times. Tom Goss war journal. It'll be like when Tom waits, he'll just go off on nonsense facts for two hours at his shows. It'll be that, but it's Tom Goss. Yeah, the fucking Daniel Johnson of comedy. Tom Goss waits. Hey, you little John Squirrels.

I'm the short bus. Anyway. A Portland man has been hiding $100 bills. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, Keith. Take it away. I did a dumb. I did a dumb.

All right. The controversial... Fuck. A rape suspect fled a traffic stop and took hostages in a Baltimore Burger King. After hours of negotiation, the hostages were released and the clam burglar

was brought to justice. Showdown! A Baltimore man charged with rape took four hostages in a Burger King and held them for three hours before surrendering.

The city's hostage negotiator established a phone connection and told the suspect, quote, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, your crimes against women do upset us. I have one in a similar vein, quote, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, your crimes against women do upset us.

I have one in a similar vein, though not on the same subject. A Portland man has been hiding $100 bills in boxes of feminine hygiene products. Andrew Dice Clay remarked, maybe this will keep it from smelling like pennies. Oh! I have an alternate. Jerry Seinfeld remarked, my wife's not going through menopause, she's declaring bankruptcy. What kind of

shitty Willy Wonka is this? You've got a hundred and you snatch, you get to go tour the Tampax factory. Oh my god. Random acts of kindness,

everyone. We advocate them. The Mean Boys podcast. There's a golden stain on your white fucking capris, Monica. You've been chosen.

I got a rusty ticket. Oh, fuck. A terrorist who drove his truck. I like the way that we intro these jokes. And it's a terrorist was found. All right, everybody. The terrorist who drove his truck through crowds in Nice was dating a 73-year-old man. Phone records indicate he taught the man how to fix, mix up the gas, and brake pedals.

Well, I'm not having fun anymore. Newark County Land. Well, I morning zooed myself right into the fucking... My joy is gone. The Secret Life of Pets was number one at the box office this week. The animated film stars comedian Louis C.K. as a talking dog. Critics praised the film but were unsettled by the scene in which C.K animated film stars comedian Louis C.K. as a talking dog. Critics praised the film but were unsettled

by the scene in which C.K.'s character blocks the front door and refuses to let his owners leave until he's done licking himself. Newark County Landfill.

All right, well, I'll tell you what. Medium.com presents... You better have a real good Andrew Dice Clay show. We're all fucked. Well, I have one

sort of related to the secret life of pets. Kevin Hart wrote an article to his fans asking them not to respond to the Dallas shooting by provoking a race war. In other news, Kevin Hart fans to begin referring to him as Woke Tyler Perry. Kim Kardashian has leaked a phone call between Kanye West and Taylor Swift. In the wake of the event, she's become the Edward Snowden of basic pitches. Edward Snowden's kind of a basic bitch.

Edward Snowboots, even though it's 80 degrees. Gary! This is like when Celiere is in the fucking metal hospital looking at all the fucking 18th century retards in the cages full of hay. It wasn't Keith making humorous hyperbole. It was God! I'll never write Symphony No. 40.

All right. A bloody military coup wreaked havoc on the nation of Turkey. Citizens in the region were terrified, while Keith Carey was disappointed to find out Turkey Revolution wasn't a new sandwich at Subway. Okay, my mom said if I bully myself, the other kids will have nothing. I saw that movie 8 Mile.

They learned how to laugh a bit. It's more fun to make fun of me than it is you two. No, it isn't. Even in my failures, I'm more interesting than both of you. No, it's not, Joe. Please show them how it's done. Okay, the Black Panthers have called for the creation of a black nation within the United States. The state would stretch over Alabama, South Carolina, and counter-expand its view of itself.

That was mine to lose. That was like watching somebody like jump from half court to dunk and just their legs fall off and they explode. The NBA jam ball just extinguishes. Brick! New episode title, Soft Upon Insertion.

Get it all worked up. We start thwacking the clit from the outside, the condom's on, and they're just... Welcome to another episode of Push and Rope. Boop, boop, ba-boo, boys. I'm uncomfortable.

Donald Trump has announced Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. He says Pence's gubernatorial experience was a key factor in the decision, and he wanted someone on the ticket who looked like every person that has refused to ever give you your Frisbee back. I like the word gubernatorial. That's good. Gubernatorial. That's good. Gubernatorial. It doesn't all have to be dark. It can be silly, too.

The controversial Ghostbusters remake was released this week. The film features an all-female cast as well as an updated character based on the Black Lives Matter movement, the Stay Woke Marshmallow Man. If this Twinkie represents the normal amount of people shot by the police... That's an egregious Twinkie.

Just W. Kamau Bell. Just... I'm famous now for being upset. Knocking over buildings. God damn it. An Ohio cemetery has asked visitors to refrain from playing Pokemon Go on its property. Sorry. An Ohio cemetery has asked visitors to refrain from playing Pokemon Go on its property.

The cemetery will make an exception for showing your enemy's son that Squirtle's dance on his father's grave. They're wearing the sunglasses like in that famous gif. Look at them, Hector. All dead. Squirtle, Squirtle. That's the E.V.Sector. All dead. Squirtle, squirtle. Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle. I danced upon your grave. Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle.

You are the devil's slave. Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle. Why is he Jewish? That doesn't make a lick of sense. That doesn't make a lick of tongue of sense. Oh, God. This podcast has become unlistable. Speaking of which, two Pokemon Go players fell off a cliff

while pursuing the digital creatures. As they careened towards the ground, one shouted, Devin used Fly. It's not very effective. Alternate, I actually wouldn't mind seeing another Pidgey right about now. I feel like you have a third.

It's Keith's fat. I wish he was underneath me to cushion the descent. Fuck yeah, y'all. That was the lamest high five I've ever seen. That was like Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz

fist bump level white guy celebration. Well, I had my heart in it, Connor. Thanks. Does anybody have another one or is that it for the Mexican joke? No, we got one more.

ISIS staged its first Jihad Olympics, which will be followed by the special Jihad Olympics, which will include such events as decapitate the plastic soldiers before you eat them. Oh, no. The little kid playing with his army men, like

reading a message to camera. Macaroni art to Allah! This is something you don't think about. There has to be special needs kids in the Islamic State. Just mittens pinned to a C4 vest. They ate all... My hands get cold on the way to heaven. It's forbidden to depict the Prophet Muhammad.

Good thing we ate all the crayons. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. You drew a school bus full of fertilizer. Oh, dear. Oh, no. I thought they said we get ICs. Mean Boots will be right back.

ICs. Oh, I just got that. Fuck. We're leaving this shrieking nonsense to the episode. I think we should head back. Mom and Dad are going to be home soon. If we're not in bed, they're going to kill us. Don't be a baby, Jimmy. Besides, that Charmander went down from three footprints to two. We're closing in on him. You going to let me catch him before you?

Okay, Zack. Let's catch him. Spoken like a true Pokemon trainer. Aw, man. What? I'm low on Pokeballs. I only have three left. There's a PokeStop up ahead by the bush, but we have to hurry.

Come on, give me some balls. That can be arranged. Who are you? We're just here to stock up on Pokeballs, mister. God damn it. I've been getting my hopes up for little twerps like you all week. What are you doing hiding in this bush at night?

Well, you see, kids, I'm a gay man. I feel the way about boys that you two rascals probably feel about the pretty girls at your school. And I grew up in a time where my sexual orientation wasn't socially acceptable, so my community, fueled by a nigh-unquenchable buttlust, established hotspots for meeting like-minded people. Shrouded in foliage, we were able to reveal our true selves in a practice known as cruising. So you're not trying to catch them all? No, no, quite the opposite.

I treat paws loads like a zoo bat treats Pokeballs. I'm nearly 50, and I've managed to avoid Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B... Is Hepatitis A and B like red version and blue version? Not quite, son. Why do you still have to hang out in the bush? Well, kids, this country's gym leaders have barely gotten around to ensuring my community's most basic rights, and needless to say, the reforms that have come haven't exactly trickled down to complete social tolerance. Well, we accept you, mister.

Yeah. Well, thank you, boys. That's exactly what I needed to hear after a lonely night getting bit by mosquitoes and drinking a thermos of absinthe on the outskirts of town. But unless you can make a Pokemon Go-type app that shows me the location of like-minded men in my area, I'm afraid I'm going to be back here every night trying to make a connection in this lonely world. You know they have exactly that, right?

Huh? Yeah, Grindr. It's the gay dating app. You're shitting me. Give me your phone. It's right there in the app store. You mean I've been picking twigs out of my gimp suit for no goddamn good reason? How long has this been out? Like years, bro. Fuck, seriously? It's like not even underground anymore. Jimmy Fallon makes jokes about it

on the Tonight Show. Say cheese. Why? I'm making your profile. And done. Enjoy, mister. We've got a Charmander to catch. Wait, boys. What's up? Are you headed that way? Yeah. I'll give you a ride. I'm headed that way to meet a Pokemon trainer named Bug Catcher Bill, whatever that means. Awesome!

Gwong! All right, everybody. Mean Boys is back, and it is time for the return of one of our favorite segments. It's time for Meanifestos. Yay! In this segment,

we get to make decrees as though we were dictators of the world. I think I will start us off this week. Citizens, Mike Pence will be stripped of his status as running mate and be forced to star in a Hollywood reboot of Cotton Hill's origin story. You know what's funny? I have not seen who Mike Pence is and I kind of refuse to Google him. I want to see how far I can go

without knowing this man's face. Yeah, I didn't hear Uptown Funk until like a week ago. Got it. I like doing that with pop culture things. Like, I refuse to learn. I missed out on Uptown Funk, though. That's a funny song.

Oh, it's a good song, but I didn't know what planking was until it was waterboarded down my neck. That's pretty impressive you went that long without knowing Uptown Funk. It wasn't quite last week, but yeah. Especially in a comedy club scenario, that's all they play. A dictatorship is bringing in America. I don't get books in a lot.

Close, Keith. I don't want to talk about it. All right, I'll go next. Citizens, he who smelt it dealt it. He who dealt it shall die a peasant's death. In the blockade. That's what they do. Chancellor Kerry promises to crack down on farting.

They'll be locked into a pillory, and every time the citizens have to fart, they get to do it right when they yawn, so they get it right on the intake. I hate to be the guard that has to fucking protect that jail. It smells terrible, my lord. It's gonna be stinky, yo. Citizens! protect that jail. It smells terrible, my lord. It's gonna be stinky, yo. Anyway.

Citizens! Henceforth, any man I'm bot... Is it working? All right, take it. Citizens! Henceforth, any man I'm bottoming for

who gives me shit about making him wear a condom has to watch and the band played on on his phone on the back of my head. I don't even know what that is. It's a movie about AIDS.

Yeah, it's exactly what you thought it was. Oh my god. Wear a fucking condom. I don't want HPV. I get prep, you fucking so-and-sos. My pussy's like silk anyway. Go fuck yourself. This manifesto based on an irritated phone call

Joe and Connor had several months ago. Oh, I forgot about this. Team Instinct members will be forcefully sterilized with Mountain Dew. In other words, business as usual, you yellow-bellied nobodies. Come at us, you queens. I don't know what

team instinct is. It's Team Yellow and Pokemon and they're all fucking idiots. I tried to, I know some of these idiots listen,

by the way. I tried to get the comedy store people to come help me seize the gym at the improv last night and apparently they're all Team Blue

and they told us to go fuck ourselves. Oh my God. I've never been more ashamed to be associated with an organization. I don't even want to be on the time show anymore.

I say that every time I walk in this basement. Burn. All right. want to be on the tech show anymore. Say that every time I walk in this basement. Burn. All right. There will be free health care, equal rights, and perfect tranquility for all. Said Jews. What made that great is that you said sept. No, sept in front of a podium while you're wearing a military uniform.

I mean, think about it. Everybody else gets to be okay. No, except in front of a podium while you're wearing a military uniform. I'm Jewish. I mean, think about it. Everybody else gets to be okay, just not the Jews. It's not a bad trade. Compromise! Don't be a perfectionist. Meet me in the middle of this swastika. Anyway. Anyway... Citizens, henceforth, Keith Carey will be forced to issue an apology to the staff of Norm's Restaurant

for making them push two booths together every time he attends. I regret nothing! I demand pancakes! We don't negotiate with calorie terrorists okay teenage girls walking slowly oppressed of each other at the mall so that no one can get around them will be marched at gunpoint until their toms are as tattered as a sleeve of oreos at keith's house why did it have to turn into a thing about me? Couldn't finish it.

Live from New York. It's ruining our careers. Attention, citizens. Boring white women will have to take a mandatory test to prove they have a personality to justify dyeing their hair purple. Whimsy is a privilege, not a right! Fucking second in the parliament of hate. Oh my goodness. Hear, hear!

Yeah, really. Sometimes I see it and it's like, where do you get off, alright? Yeah, how dare you. One of these people where they just let people have conversations at them. Yeah. It's like the new Dos Equis Bad, like the world's most interesting dental hygienist. World's most interesting massage therapist. Any one of the daytime TV college professions that they fucking let you daydream about while you're fucking eating bonbons on the couch watching Maury. If you'd like to get into accounts receivable, you've got pink hairs for you.

Anyway. Henceforth, if I announce I'm going to be on TV with the date and time and you reply, text me the day it airs, I get to spray paint, I'm not your fucking secretary on your house. This is a very specific problem that only two of us have. Ouch! I don't know. Who doesn't love laughs on Fox? Fox! Cut that!

Mean boys will be disbanding right back! Order, order. Let the record reflect that the date is June 18th, 2016, Federal Court of Berlin. The trial will now commence in the case of Reinhold Danning. Herr Danning, you stand accused of acting as an accessory to the murder of 170,000 people while working as a guard at the Auschwitz concentration camp. Danning, let me be clear, I intend to get the full account of your experience at the Auschwitz concentration camp, and I assure you, Danning, that the German nation will allow no heinous deed of the Third Reich to go unpunished,

and you will be given a full account of the actions of you and all your cohorts during your time with the SS. Danke, Your Honor. It is not my intention to distort the truth of my past. While I was never directly responsible for the deaths of any inmates, I was responsible for the security of those who were. Many others contributed in such a capacity as well. I believed at the time that I was doing my duty to ensure the defense of the Reich during the darkest years of the war. You seem proud.

Many were, Your Honor. Many of us believed in the moral certitude of the final solution. And those who didn't were merely opportunists. We were bonded together in a way that no one who has never endured war can understand. Many acted in pure amoral self-interest, but many were certain what we were doing was right for Germany, and right for the world. Stop stalling and get to the details of your crimes there, Danning. It was, well, let me put it like this. I had a friend who brought Cyclone B back in World War II.

He told everyone it was insecticide, but it got breathed by the Jews, boy. Saw a man from Hugo Boss at an old beer hall. I was walking in while he was walking out. Said he made our uniforms look really cool. But all he kept talking about Guten Days.

Well, they'll pass you by. Guten Days. We stocked them six million high. Guten Days. Guten Days. This is highly irregular. Have a few drinks after a day of sewing twins together. The guys at Volkswagen, they made a car, a gift for the Chancellor of Germany. We cast the Jews in gypsies, sell the gold from their teeth, got money laundered by the Bush family.

Guten days, where they'll pass you by. Guten days. Would have made their schindler cry. Guten days. Guten days. Order! Order! I'm kind of feeling it. Go on. Wow, I really did not see this coming. But I probably will. A lot of people ask me how I could stand by and contribute to all of these horrors.

But we were at war, it was a long time ago, and I was just following orders. Guten Days. Crimes Against Humanity. Guten Days. Werktesetschuh Free. Guten Days. Crimes against humanity. Guten Days. Work will set you free. Guten Days. Guten Days. We interrupt this tasteless sketch to bring you a special bulletin.

The Mean Boys podcast has received a cease and desist letter from the office of Bruce Springsteen saying, quote, Cut the shit or I will throat fuck you so hard I'll cram my dick in your left lung, pull out and come in your right. In an effort to avoid lawsuit, ladies and gentlemen, the boss. All right. Thank you, everybody. This is a song about a part of Jersey I wouldn't be caught dead in. Woo! Under the boardwalk, I instruct my driver to lock the doors when we drive

under the boardwalk. Wah, wah, wah. I'm the boss. Oh drive under the board. Wah, wah, wah, wah. I'm the boss. Oh, this is fun. All right, Zimine Boys is back. Oh, dear. Oh, we have a lot of atonement to do. We took a break.

We said Hail Marys. Oh, God. Hail Marys. Hail Marys. Oh, God. I'm so good. It is time for another, thank you so much, everybody, fan-submitted game of Which of the Following. Whoop, whoop.

Oh, yeah. This one comes to us from the This Is Rad podcast, Natalie Hazen. Follow her on Twitter, at Natalie Hazen. Listen to This Is Rad every week on iTunes. Thank you guys for your continued support. Natalie writes, I was reading about the legislation recently passed in New York that eliminates the sales tax on pads and tampons. One article included some names of early feminine hygiene products from the 19th century, which

I found hilarious. And since Joe likes old-timey queer shit, I thought you might too. Here's a widget of the following inspired by various puss sponges and twat stoppers throughout the ages. Thanks for the cackles, Natalie. P.S. Keith is thin, Joe is straight, and Connor is tan. On opposite day, just kidding. I love you guys.

Please don't make fun of me because I definitely can't take it. I could never make fun of you, Natalie. Witch of the following is not a real name of a real feminine hygiene product from the past or present. Number one, A. Doctor discreet's daily conveniences. Imagine putting a quarter into the machine at a bar or restroom and getting one of those. It's like in Victorian England when pregnant people were like, they're in a condition. Like, did you take your daily conveniences?

You're a bit ornery, wouldn't you say? Conveniences is definitely like the Shakespeare word for toiletries. B. Me thinks the lady inconvenient much. It means butt stuff. B. Southall's sanitary towels. C. Flushdown Ideal. Or D. SS Napkin.

The secret police could not even find any traces of blood in your panties. Well, now, is she referring to the Schutzstaffel, or like it's like a boat? Like, I'm captain of the SS Napkin, gals. It could be. Italy do. On the go, shit. Just make sure you don't mop the poop deck, you could get an infection. I soak my pads in gin.

Remember, I always wipe stern to poop deck. Oh, yeah. Pussy to ass. Make her come fast. Ass to pussy. She's going to have an infection in her pussy. I've never heard you laugh that way. I'm going to say SS napkin because even napkin implies dabbing.

It's a little too indiscreet for Puritan America. I'm going to say... And dabbing didn't come around until recently. I'm going to say Dr... What was the name? Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. The fake one is Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. I really wanted that to be real.

Keith Carey, you son of a bitch. Batting a thousand on these fans. After you fucking took Australian towns by storm... I'm a man to be real. Keith Carey, you son of a bitch. Batting 1,000 on these fans submitted Witch of the Fallen. I'm crushing it. After you fucking took Australian towns by storm. I'm a man of the people. You have a PhD in uselessness. Number two, Witch of the Fallen is not a real outdated pussy sponge.

A, you by Kotex tween liners. Oh, no. Tween liners. Oh, that makes me really uncomfortable. And I just sang about that fucking mothball. Oh, my God. That's what they call the fucking mop handle in a creepy guy's basement. Go to B.

Line up the tweens. B. Always radiant teen pads with wings. Oh, God. Go back to one. C. Tampax teen ultra comfort inserts. Or D. The diva cup. Go back to one. C. Tampax Teen Ultra Comfort Inserts. Or D. The Diva Cup. Whatever Joe drinks his chamomile out of.

Just a fucking rhinestone mug. God, Natalie. A shade like Barbra Streisand's head. Rhinestone mug, which the following is not a real pimp from the 70s. Natalie, I feel like when you were writing this, the emperor was just standing over your shoulder going, ah-ha, good. It's like you're just one of us now. You're the first official mean girl.

I'm going to go with C. I'm going to go with A, tween liners. The fake one is Tampax Teen Ultra Comfort Inserts. C, Joe is correct. All right. That sounds fairly modern. Oh, God. That means tween liners is real.

Oh, God. Always radiant teen pants. Tween liners. How radiant do you need to be if you that means tween liners is real. Oh, God. Always radiant teen pants. Tween liners. How radiant do you need to be if you're a tween? Oh, God. Tween liners. They're made of straw. More radiant than that.

Donate your nylon to fight the excess. More radiant than that zit on your nose. Stacey. Number three, which of the following is on an outdated feminine hygiene product? A, Hartman's hygienic towelettes. B, Protecto Sanitary Bloomers. Protecto! Protecto!

Fighting drippage since day one! They're sanitary bloomers to wear under your other four layers of bloomers. Don't be indecent, gals. Keep those ankles under lock and key, Trollope. Hindsmith's ankle locks. They will lead you to impure thoughts. C. The Pemberton Confidence Rag. The Pemberton Confidence Rag.

That sounds like something you'd satirically call another newspaper during the era of, like, Boss Tweed with all those... We owe nothing more than a Pemberton confidence rag. You're in the pocket of Tammany Hall. Yeah, Joe's confidence rag is soaked in ether and shoved into an old man's face. I can't breathe.

There's one more. Or D, the form-fit sanitary apron. Oh, Christ! Get back in the kitchen-fit sanitary apron. Oh, Christ! Get back in the kitchen, you bleeding muck. What was A again? Hartman's hygienic towelettes. I like towelette. It implies if you get barbecue sauce on it.

It was a real messy corn dog. Put it in your pussy, great for fried chicken. Black girls have periods, too. Maybe shove a county fair corn dog off your twat. Oh, yeah, just wipe it up with corn dog. Good for your pussy. Great for fried chicken. Black girls have periods, too. If you shove a county fat corn dog off your twat. Oh. Oh, yeah. Just wipe it up with cornbread.

I'm going to say Pemberton Confidence Rags. I'm going to say the apron one. It is the Pemberton Confidence Rags. Pemberton Confidence Rags. Natalie,

this is the best thing anyone's ever done for me. You know that's fake. I got blown earlier. You know that's fake. I got blown earlier. You know that's fake because it's very recent that we wanted women to have confidence. Do we? That is not the worst thing we've done today. Oh, mercy, no.

Number four. A. Summer's Eve, colon, delicate blossom. Summer's Eve, colon, rise of summer. Summer's Eve, colon, for a bleedy butt. Hopefully your colon won't need it. As someone who had very painful hemorrhoids all throughout junior high and high school, I really wish I had

some of these. I would have felt a lot better with a Pemberton confidence rag keeping me from fucking soaking my dunderies with ass blood. That is a whole middle segment for another day. You know how Colbert called Santorum the mixture of semen and shit that comes out of your butthole? They need a name for a suppository that pops early and then fucking leaks out of your ass with blood when you fart. Hilarious.

And here's the thing. Sometimes when you have a hemorrhoid, you fart. It tickles. Oh, no. But in a horrible, painful way. Oh, man. Like Satan himself has a feather at your armpits. Oh, my goodness. Oh no. But like in a, in a horrible, painful way, like the, like Satan himself is, has a feather at your armpits.

Oh my goodness. Oh my God. It's just the fucking fulcrum of your fucking rectum. It's a fulcrum. That's a, that's a, that's a fucking load bearing hole. Everybody,

you don't want to be fucking around with it. No, that's yours. Oh my God. You know, you're, you're an overbearing hole. Uh, B, summer's Eve, colon, sandalwood mist.

C, Summer's Eve, colon, cotton breeze. Or D, Summer's Eve, colon, island splash. I don't need any of these. I'll shove a candle up there. You already got plenty of tallow. Oh. You already got plenty of tallow. Oh! Is that a wick or a fucking tampon string, you fucking cable broad? You want a fucking island splash in your island gash? I'm going to go with island splash because that sounds like a fucking Crystal Light flavor.

Yeah, it's a Capri Sun. The fake one is B, Sandalwood Mist. Oh, damn it. Some asshole at the fucking pussy-fixing factory was like, you know what word would be good here? Splash. Ye olde snatchery. And I don't think...

The Haber Snatchery. It's Haber Snatchery. They built it by the river because it's steam-powered. We've got Keith in an airtight room doing a crossword puzzle so he's producing enough fucking

octane pressure to power this entire fucking tampon factory. Okay, she had a bonus round. She said if we didn't like the one with all, they're all summer Z's

so we're going to do it. We're going to, yeah, it's fucking outstanding. So, number four, A, fresh flow. B, light days. Yeah, it's fucking outstanding. So, number four. A, fresh flow.

B, light days. C, sanny naps. Or D, sure and natural. I want to believe that it was written with a burp. Yeah. Like it's, your pussy's gonna burp. Jesus. I'm going to say light days.

I want to say the one with the N in it because that makes it sound like it's like a There's two. Oh, wow. Sure and natural. It's fresh and flow. Okay, well, I'm

gonna say fresh and flow because it sounds like a fucking Doritos flavor from the late 90s. Fresh and flow. Tony Hawk

presents fresh and flow. Fresh ranch and flowing cheese. Like it'd be on Power Man 5000's Rider. The big one is fresh and flowing, Joe.

What am I talking about? We need three jumbo bags of fresh and flow 3D nacho Doritos. And a fresh pair of Jordans. Or this crowd is not going to find out what happens when worlds collide. Well, it's fresh and flow. Joe got that one right. Fresh and Joe. All right.

The final round. All real or all fake? A. HMS. Her Majesty's Sanitary Pinafore. B. There She Flows. C. The Feminine Fresh Belt. And D. Damp Away. Damp Away.

Billy Mays presents Damp Away. Is your twat effervescent? Welcome to Snoxie Clean. You're thinking of the clam wow. I'm leaving! I think that several times you've laughed so hard you've turned into an ape. The clam wow. The clam wow.

These all need to be fake. Yeah, they're fake, but God bless your beautiful heart. They are fake. Oh, God. Natalie, you beautiful angel, thank you for this. They're real to me, dammit. Clam it. Okay, well, that's Witch of the Falling for this week.

Thank you. That was amazing. Yeah, Natalie, that was outstanding. Everyone, please listen to This Is Rad if you need some palate cleanser after you hear us do Bruce Springsteen Nazi song parodies. And please send in your Witch of the Fallings because this has been totally fun. Yeah. I think we have one more left before some of us are going to have to start cranking out some more mediocre ones.

Don't make us work. Yeah. It's hard. Like every single one of them has been phenomenal, and I would love to trash you guys for now. Thank you. They've been great. Yeah. They're so great.

They're making me be sincere, y'all. Yeah. No, the fucking Australian towns, yeah, they've all been outstanding. All right, guys. We got an email from Aorchak on Twitter at A-Y-O-R-C-H-A-K. This is my friend Alex. Oh, cool. Yeah.

Hey, Mean Boys. Love the show. I think the funniest parts of the show are when you make fun of each other and or Keith's mom. That said, I think you should do a segment where you roast old high school pictures of each other i know you guys don't have feelings but i'll attempt to hurt them anyways seriously though you guys are true pros thanks for making me laugh every week thanks alex i'm glad i know this person and he's a friend of mine because if this were just an anonymous person i'd be like yeah yeah we can joke about it after i beat off to it keith looks like he was known in the woman's locker room simply as ew no

you're not wrong he looks like he had to move schools after being put in the woman's locker room simply as, Ew, no. You're not wrong. Keith looks like he had to move schools after being put in the fitness protection program. Oh, shit! Oh! Yo! Connor looks like he was homeschooled but still got bullied. Connor's cheese dick messy haircut looks more carefully ignored than the AIM messages he probably sent his crushes. Oh my god!

Oh my god! High school Joe looks like the love child of Rosie O'Donnell and Danny Masterson. Fuck! Oh my god. Fucking home run your check. Dude, your check for the win. Nicely done. Oh man.

Yeah. AIM messages. Like, I have no rebuttal to that. Jesus. your check for the win. Nicely done. Oh, man. Yeah. A messages. Like, I have no rebuttal to that. Jesus. I'm dumbstruck. Well played. Keith is fatstruck. Connor's dumbstruck, you're cumstruck. He's gonna have a fatstroke. Cumbustruck!

Done. Alright, well, anything else, Argus, for Cumblebottom? No. Yeah, the bonus episode with Tom is coming. He's on the road. When he gets back, we'll do it. It'll be probably a fucking hour and a half of him explaining why he hates birds for some reason. Do we have any...

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow, the day this comes out on Tuesday, all the Mean Boys will be at the Westside Comedy Theater at 8 p.m. doing a storytelling show. Oh, that's right. That's going to be super fun. On Wednesday, I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Thursday, I'll be at the Garage in Culver City. Friday and Saturday, I will be at the Comedy Palace in San Diego for six shows with Mr. Keith Carey.

And during the day, we'll be at the Comic-Con filming a special field piece with correspondent Mark Malloy and another episode of The Burn Booth. So look forward to those. This is totally true. If anybody can find Mark Molloy walking around Comic-Con and tell us you're a fan, we'll put you on the show. Oh yeah, we'll put you on the show and me and Keith will give you a handjob. Yeah, we will do something really fun

with you, but please find us if you're a fan. And that's Sunday. I will be at the Madhouse at 7pm. That would be so rad. Plenty of chances to not come and see me this week. On the 26th, a week from Tuesday, I'm going to be doing historical roasts at the Comedy Store. So basically I get to roast people while wearing a powdered wig. And if that's not Joe Dash, I don't know what is. I will be on that show as well.

Awesome! On the 23rd, I'll be at the show Cobra Juice at the Trepany Theater run by my very good friend Kyle Shire, who's a hilarious comedian. I suggest you check out, y'all. That is a great show. Love Kyle Shire. Also on the 26th, before you go to historical roasts for you check out, y'all. That is a great show. Love Kyle Shire. Also on the 26th, before you go to Historical Roast for me and Joe, come to Warp Zone at the Virgil. There you go.

It's my show I run every month in Silver Lake. And then Friday, July 29th, I will be at the Frank's Place in Fresno with Mr. Connor McSpadden and a couple other special guests. Oh, yes. So come check that out as well if you're there. The last time I was there, I did almost in an hour, and I told three jokes, and I found out where the gay cruising bush in Fresno is. Oh, what a set.

It was on Fruit Street, those fucking idiots. They put it on Fruit Street, you dum-dums. That's one of those, like, though it's so obvious, you'd never think to look there. That would have been like a cheeky innuendo in like 1942. Oh, yeah. I suppose we should also note that Mean Boys are going to be in Laguna Beach on the 28th, right? Oh, that's correct. Yes, we are. Also, and Keith Carey and I are going to be roast battling on Comedy Central on

Road to Roast Battle at midnight, the 24th. So check that out. Yes. I am so happy for you boys. I'm so proud of you. This is fucking, it's great. And one more point. I know we busted Connor's balls a little bit for not being on the show, but if you are in the Los Angeles area and you drive by Sunset in La Cienega right by the Comedy Store,

there is currently a billboard above the Pink Dot Liquor Store for Roast Battle that has me and Connor making out. It does, yeah. In the corner. So we are powering loud and proud above Sunset Boulevard.

I've been known to make out with Keith for comedic effect at the Roast Battle show in the Comedy Store belly room. And you can see the look of trepidation on my face, realizing how hard it is to do without an audience

hooting and hollering I'm not bisexual I'm just a ham so is Keith I'm not bisexual I'm just a ham yeah other than that please keep running

into the mean boys mailbag we love just personal questions fucking roast on us if you want to send us some Mexican joke off jokes we'd love that dilemmas like would you rather

fuck Keith or kill yourself you know whatever you got send them our way we love all that we've been getting a lot of great feedback a lot of people came on from the verbal violence Send us some Mexican joke-off jokes. We'd love that. Dilemmas, like would you rather fuck Keith or kill yourself? Whatever you got. Send them our way. We've been getting a lot of great feedback. A lot of people came on from the Verbal Violence podcast, and this is rad. So thanks.

If you like the show, tell a friend, I guess. Please, please. And also, we have yet to see any, but anyone who has any Ramsey Bedawi abuse in them, just get creative. We would love to hear it. Oh, yeah. It would make our day. Do something mean to Ramsey on Twitter Twitter and we'll buy you a Coke. Oh, and on the 24th, we will be dropping The Best of Mean Boys, Volume 1, to coincide with the boys on Comedy Central.

It'll have highlights from the show, all your favorite segments, all your favorite guests, and we will be doing a little bit of behind-the-scenes commentary. We might even throw in a few takes of us being unable to get through Carnock or whatever it is, Some bonus content. There'll be something for new eyes and old eyes. Please share that when it comes out. We want to introduce as many people to the show as possible. The more people are listening now than ever

and it's really just fucking... It makes us all happy and shit. We are overjoyed at how this dumb little empire is growing. Thanks so much, everybody. Thank you very much. God is dead. Brush, thanks so much, everybody. So thank you very much. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Brush your teeth with rage. Ha ha ha!