Mean Boys - EP 28 - Pocket Screwdriver

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Is this Domain Name Taken”, "Mark Malloy", “The Explanatory Leprechaun”, “John Boswell” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Irish Snacks. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. We accept the hate we think we deserve. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... Faggy2Dope. Why did it take till episode 28 to say the best thing I've ever heard? Baggy2Dope. Oh, it's just perfect.

Just a vague bisexuality poured in a juggalo mold. Like, I'm kind of gay, but I'm gross first. Like, a vague sexuality. You're like Schrodinger's cock. It's not... We're going until you like Schrodinger's cock. It's not a no-man. until you open the fucking container. Have you ever submitted

like a stand-up reel to the Gathering of the Juggalos? Is that an email? I've done it two years in a row. What the fuck? I don't know. I want stories. First of all,

I assume that was just like a submission you tied to the back of a sewer rat and hoped for the best. It'll find its way. Yeah, it's like throwing a message in a bottle. Don't worry, son. He knows the way. It'll find its way. Yeah, it's like throwing a message in a bottle.

Don't worry, son. He knows the way home. It's one of these things where it's like, I always assumed the Gathering of the Juggalo was like, I don't know, being on the street. It's like, if we want you, we'll find you. Joe, you have contact information for the Gathering of the Juggalo? And you haven't shared it to us to try to do the first Mean Boys live show? Why are we not doing that right now?

I figured you guys were going would have done that already. You were going to make fun of me for doing it late. You dumb idiot. What? Joe, I'm so mad at you right now. I could have been yelling at Juggalo. Oh, my God. We are having such a meeting after this podcast.

This is the most mad I've ever been at you. I just realized I'm a bad friend. I'm sorry, Connor and Keith. I'm less mad at you than I am thrilled by the possibilities this presents. You know, I lit a candle and I kept the wick to myself instead of lighting others. Let that little light shine, man. Anyway, hey, family, if you'd like us to become part of it, we can be spray painting our faces in no time. I'd love to have the Mean Boys be part of the gathering this year.

Oh, God, please. That would be so perfect. And let's face the facts. If we don't have any Juggalo fans by this point, we are not doing our jobs. And we need to have some serious... We need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting. And that is the largest portion of our target demographic in one place. Hell yeah, it is.

I like that every other comedian is trying to get in very prestigious festivals. And we're trying to get into the gathering of the Juggalos. Yeah, we're trying to do Just for Knives. We don't know how to spell Bridgetown. No lips under a Bridgetown. Well, everyone, I think it's time for the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Oh, hell yeah.

I'll start us off. All right. A five-year-old boy was killed in North Carolina after being struck by lightning. His family was shocked, but, you know, not as much as him. Speaking of kids in danger, a Pennsylvania mother is accused of stuffing her five-year-old child into the trunk of her car as she drove around town. The mother said the kid was just playing a game of hide and go without

oxygen. Scientists have discovered a modern caveman who has been living in the... Scientists have discovered a modern caveman who has been living for the last 40 years in a cave. Tom Goss remarks, No, I'm only 23. Authorities in the San Joaquin Valley say thieves have been targeting nut farms.

In related news, nut farms is the new name for Connor McSpadden's tonsils. Plant your seed. Harvest. Nut farms. A New Mexico restaurant Came under criticism After building a billboard Which said

Black olives matter CBS Broadcasting Came under similar criticism With the slogan We shall over Come on down You're the next contestant On the Price is Right

Holy fuck Jesus Tokyo has elected Its first female governor Citizens believe That Officer Jenny's Experience in law enforcement Will make her a great ruler of the Kanto region. Oh, is that a Pokemon thing? Yeah.

Okay, I didn't quite get it. Of course it's a Pokemon thing. Speaking of Asians, Chinese officials say people are stealing bricks from the Great Wall at an alarming rate. They say it's the worst case of mischief since the infamous pee-pee-in-your-cokes spree of 1978. Oh, God. Spree.cokes spree of 1978. Oh, God. There's a lot of it. Oh, God, just the idea that that's the new Trumpism. Chinese

immigrants are coming over here, they're trying to dismantle NAFTA, and they're pee-peeing in a Coke. They're pee-peeing in your Cokes, they're raping your jobs. And Pepsi won't save you! Anyway. Syrian rebels beheaded a 10-year-old child in what they called, quote, an individual mistake. The rebels went on to say the real crime would be if we beat ourselves up over this.

We all make mistakes. I just like that the Syrians are still better at self-love than you, Joe. Oh, shit. Texas is a loud... Just staring gas in my soul. Texas has allowed students on college campuses to carry guns to class. Those who are not

21 years of age and don't have a concealed carry permit will have to see if they can share with a neighbor. Gwen Stefani... Gwen Stefani brought

a bullied teenage boy on stage with her at a Florida concert saying, quote, it's not his fault he was born this way as a fucking nerd, and then pouring pig's blood on him from the rafters.

I just like the idea of Gwen Stefani bullying a child. Well, I think born this way is Lady Gaga, right? Yeah, I know, but the kid's gay. Oh. I didn't write the joke. Look, the next one's pretty good, okay? Just get through the weak one.

Newark County, not quite the landfill but like at least like the shitty park that no one goes to newark county recycling center was mediocre m-e-d-i-o-c-r-e oh my god defense contractors i don't eat bananas me and joe were just talking about your your fucking uh if we could digress for a minute yeah he was like what does keith eat in a day and uh and and he was like you know you could just a banana would kill some of those sugar cravings and i'm like i didn't oh no i eat fruit no you don't i do eat fruit no you have a girlfriend now so you can but a fucking oh my god a sonic thing with a lime twist in it doesn't count, Keith.

That's cherry lime, man. It's in the pyramid. My favorite fruit is gum. Just when I... When I just think of, like, the fucking wretched, pebbly, non-dumps you must take every day, Keith, it just makes me very sad. It's really not an emergency. I guarantee one-third of this bulk is just pure fossilized feces. Oh, yeah. I guarantee...

Oh. So none of them is, like, howized feces. Oh, yeah. I guarantee it. Oh. So none of them are just like, how much poop can possibly be in me? And there's always more. Oh, God. Like, it's... You're gonna die like white trash John Wayne. I have to poop what, like, Hanukkah was to, like, candle oil. Like, it just keeps going.

It's an awful miracle. Defense contractors have submitted a prototype to the FAA of a flamethrowing drone. The contractors are scaling back under the failure of the sword-farting porcupine catapult. What? Wow, I thought that was going to bomb. What a pleasant surprise. Sword-farting porcupine catapult. Did you say farting or fighting?

Oh, farting. Okay, I was about to say. An Indian couple were hacked to death with an axe over a 22-cent debt. As they bled to death in the street of the third world country, the husband cried, I've heard of microloans, but this is ridiculous. Carter, you have the best intros. An Indian couple was hacked to death. I love doing it.

I just love how brutal it is and how waggity-schmackity the fucking ending is. Yeah, that's what we do here. Fucking beheading Goodman. A baby was set on fire and put out with sand. He choked to death on the sand. I love that joke. So I actually have three jokes for the same topic. I'm going to wipe you around these.

Knock them out. Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week. The remodeled campus features a new gym, a state-of-the-art computer lab, and g-g-g-g-g-ghosts. Okay. Of the dead. Top to top. Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week with an all-new campus and a new mascot, the Fightin' Toddler Corpses.

All right, last one's the best one. Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week. Parents are thrilled, saying it's good to have a school that definitely has smaller classes now. The third one is the best, but the hardest for my soul to swallow. Oh my god. Blood in the

sandbox. I hate when you people make a face like I found the line of decency. I hate to think that there is one, and that we find it every week. You know we tip-tards up to the stretch marks of decency every week. It's a real Freudian slip that you said tip tards. Oh, did I say tip tards? You sure did.

Tom Gossett appears. You rag. Tard tipping sounds like what they do for fun in, like, South Carolina. Just speaking of Tom, it just occurred to me, Tom is like Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Like they just like a confused couple would knock on the door. Hi! There's a guy in lady clothes inside.

Don't get weird about it though. Spoiler alert. We're aliens. Sometimes he's an old English dude. Sometimes he's a black lady. Whatever. Who am I? A mountain goat wandered into an Alaskan town and was killed after repeated harassment from local tourists. Keith Carey took the tragedy especially hard, given he and goats share similar eating habits. As soon as I heard the joy in your voice on mountain goat, I knew what was to come. Mountain goats don't eat as many tin cans.

Who's eating all our recycling, huh? Oh, fuck you. I got iron in my blood now. Hot air balloons or ISIS? What do you call it? Let's go hot air balloons. What? Follow your heart.

All right. 16 people died in a hot air balloon crash this week in Texas. Snidely Whiplash has claimed responsibility for the attack in the name of Cartoon State of Mischievous Whimsy. Oh, man, I tried so hard to find one. You know, ironically, like, tying women to trains does sound like something ISIS would do. Yeah. Those Hanna-Barberas are much darker on second viewing.

Hanna-Barbarians? Oh, my God. Can we please make that the Mean Boys animated series? And it's just like whatever horrible billeted group exists at the time. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, God. Well, I think that's the Mexican joke. That's the Mexican joke.

Oh, before we go, I forgot. We have a fan-submitted Mexican joke. Please send in your fan Mexican joke. I'm just kidding. It was podcast.com slash contact. This one is from at the Daily Roast on Twitter. Here's the joke.

Comedy store writers showcased Roast Battle premiered on Comedy Central last week. Keith Carey celebrated by starting his own Roast Battle when he pushed a woman over in line for prime rim

at the Bakersfield Golden Corral. Needs more words. Yeah. That's a real Keith. Mouthy cunt. Did you say that into theunt. That was a good, say that into the mirror. It was a good Keith impression from,

you know, four months ago. Yeah. Well, not, not good. I'm sure glad we did that in. Anyway, here's some other repugnance.

Do you think you can do better? But probably not, but try, I guess. I don't know. We're going to do a different thing now. Leave me alone. And now we present to you John Boswell,

the world's most Caucasian man. John Boswell! Hi, I'm John Boswell, member of the law firm Boswell, Flambeau, McKinley, different McKinley, and the first McKinley a second time. John Boswell, member of the law firm Boswell, Flambeau, McKinley, different McKinley, and the first McKinley a second time. John Boswell!

I own 66% of American khaki. John Boswell! I like to spread Miracle Whip on my sandwiches with a Bob Marley Legend CD. Hon, where's that bread that I like? Do we have any horseradish? John Boswell! My wife Carol's potato salad put the other wives' dishes to shame at the firm's annual potluck. John Boswell! John Boswell! John Boswell! Danbury, Connecticut. Strangled her to death with a rope of Patagonia fleece windbreakers. The gods were still displeased.

Heck of a deal. John Boswell! My father was sentenced to execution for failing to pay his country club membership fees. I watched with my weeping brothers as each of our father's limbs was tied to a different golf cart and torn asunder in front of us. My father's last words were, son,

that's what you get for not fixing a divot. John Boswell! daughter and about with a head full of shameful ignorance. So thank the weeping face of the Virgin Mary you got Patty to listen to. I come out, I explain a ting. You leave less of a dumb cunt than you were before, in theory at least. This week I'm here to explain the nature of drag queens, the feminine alter egos of the godless sodomites who cavort about and contempt for the laws of the Old Testament. As if to say, my path to Hades is more set in stone

than a Dubliner on the road to Finnegan's pub, and I intend to mince about with a flamboyant mirth while I do it. Like the IRA heroes who struck down by the unionist bullets in The Troubles, these young gay men have a fabulousness about them that will never be suppressed by a hostile foreign power. If a young homosexual with a preferment sensibility wants to prance about in his mother's frock, he is free to do so, but he might be wise to join a house of drag, a group of gender-defying poofs who have formed a formal alliance.

The most well-known drag mother was Dorian Corey, an old queen featured in the documentary Paris is Burning. She led the New York-based house extravaganza, all the while keeping the murdered body of her lover mummified in her Hell's Kitchen apartment for 15 years. A bum boy lay entombed like an Egyptian pharaoh of old over the subway tunnels that the sons of Ireland died to build for their host country. For shame, the great drag mother committed the sin of murder as if Darren Lucifer had found a way to turn the flames even higher. The art of a man prancing about like a sweet Margaret with flowers in her hair gained a resurgence in popularity in recent years with the RuPaul's Drag Race television program. Miss RuPaul's Charles is like the James Joyce of poofters,

and this television program, her Ulysses. And don't you say that it's her Finnegan's Wake, because I know you, you didn't read it, and if you did, you didn't understand it. Patty's sick of hearing you going on and on about it when you're just trying to drink and play table shuffleboard. You're not a literary man, you're a dumb cunt from County Loth, and you're no fucking professor because you read The Hunger Games on the train to Letterkenny.

Many of these female impersonators are so committed to their illusion of gender defiance that they'll participate in the act of tucking. This is, of course, when you duct tape your flesh shillelagh between your bum cheeks and cram your bollocks back into the sockets from whence they descended when you were a wee one, giving you a fanny facsimile. Only the most thorough and committed drag queens will commit to such an act, which is why, if any Quinn McDonough clans have any mincing knob jockeys in their clan, they're sure to have meaty tux when they're prancing about.

You hear that, James Quinn McDonough, you clan of cowards? Meaty tux! Meaty tux the lot of ya! I'm Paddy McPhee, the Inexplanatory Leprechaun, and now you know some things you didn't know before, you dumb cunt. Alright everybody, Mean Boys is back, and it's time to play Is This Domain Name Taken? Hell yeah. We never came up with a clever name for the segment.

I mean, this is the name of the segment. We just don't have a jingle. What's the name? Oh, man. That could be good. No, don't use that. I don't know. I kind of thought, like, usually when I make the game or I find the segment from somebody,

like, I hear the jingle in my head for this. All I hear is keys ticking, and I don't know what the funny thing is. Like dial-up noise. You were just unmoved by the spirits. Yeah, I know. I don't know. The muse failed me. Here's a fun thing because I'm curious to see what will happen out of it.

Mean Boys listenership. If somebody sends us a jingle for this segment, we will consider using it. Yeah. And mock you if it's bad, which it will be, because you people make me sad, frankly. Send me your jingles. No one has ever made me more happy and sad than the Mean Boys fan base, where I'm just like, wow, you guys fucking rely on us and shit. Yeah.

It really does say something when you pour your heart out into a project you love and you have contempt for the people who enjoy it. Anyway, merriment. All right. We now return to our previously scheduled mirth. All right. Well, let's get back to frivolity. Is this domain name taken?

Leatherdad.com. I feel like... I can't imagine any fan of the Leather Daddy situation being so informal as to call them dad I don't particularly this is like the Yahoo.com of like gay domination porn tumblers

it's just too simple to be yeah that feels like a breach of etiquette I'm going to say no it's no bread beta I'll tell you that right now not taken some sound logic from you guys in this jingle-less, pointless game. 600 people here at the moment. Just got spocked on some gay shit.

All right. Is this domain name taken? Fart.biz. 100% yes. Currently links to my headshot. If this domain name isn't taken, someone pay the $3.99 to make the funniest inside joke ever. I just want there to be some agent sitting in an office smoking a cigar like, So you want to make it in the fart biz, kid?

Keith doesn't have a headshot, by the way. What kind of websites use.biz? I've never seen a.biz. Bad ones. The ones you think. Oh, okay. The ones where Russians make stuff fuck other stuff. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So this is like like yakov smirnov seasides the yakov smirnov blows a german shepherd i thought a thousand russian fought jokes dot biz i don't i always think of it as just like i don't know when you fucking write them when it's you sell something really obvious like pants dot biz like yeah the dot com was taken oops i don't know i feel like every time I see dot biz, like spam and porn follow. Yeah, maybe. But anyway, fart.biz.

Make your choice, gentlemen. I'm going to say yes, but a little aside. Have any of you ever seen Brazilian fart porn? Yes. No. Okay. Well, okay. Next week.

Oh, God. What is it? I mean, all right. I'll be surprised. I mean, it's kind of exactly what it sounds like, but. Fart.biz is taken. Of course it is. Next one.

Is this domain name taken? Baby.menu. What's weird is that's the least gross of them, yet somehow makes me feel the weirdest. That made me really uncomfortable. You guys are betting a thousand so far. Is there a baby menu? Is it just full of soft foods that are good for babies, or is it full of soft babies that are good for creeps? Baby Don Mendes.

Delicately boiled babies. I'm going to say yes, because as you peer the veil back, you find the horror of truth. I'm going to say yes as well. It's taken. You didn't type this into your computer, did you? I typed it into GoDaddy, so someone in the FBI is about to see it. GoDaddy?

Someone on the FBI is like, this guy's got a lot of horrible business ideas, and he's trying to lay some groundwork. That's a real capitalist, this kid. Oh, I forgot I was going to do this. Hey Siri, Google child porn. Now you're in our fan club with the FBI. If you left your iPhone speaker playing, you know how you go, hey, Siri? Yeah. Anyway, is this domain name taken?

Cannibal.singles. I want to point out, I don't really think cannibalism is immoral. I think it's weird. Joe, what? Go on. Yeah. I mean, I think killing someone to eat them is bad. But I think if someone's just dead and you eat them, I don't know.

I actually agree with that. It sounds very green, frankly. Well, it's not good for you. That's the most L.A. Well, cannibalism is really bad. There's a lot of toxins. But is it worse for me than going to McDonald's after this? Yes.

You don't get cancer from going to McDonald's after you eat it seven times. That's why they got mad cows disease, because the cows were eating other dead cow motherfuckers. Keith, if you started telling us you were a cannibal, we'd be like, thank God this is a step in the right direction. Oh, yeah. I mean, for you. No more Funyuns and gas station candy. But I'm just eating another fat guy. I'm just like, yeah, out of the frying pan, into the fire.

At least he's closer to the fucking ledge. I'm just eating fucking fat guy. I'm just like, yeah, out of the frying pan, into the fire. At least he's closer to the fucking ledge. Just eating fucking second generation Rolos. I think I'm going to say no just because I don't think there's any dot singles. I'm going to say yes. Not taken. There's got to be a Christian mingle for cannibals, right? Well, I mean. I mean, they cannibalize the Lord in the Holy Communion.

I think that's just called like South America. You know the story about that German dude, right? No. Oh, do you know this? I mean, one, of course, he's a German dude, but go on. There was this German guy a few years back who basically, his whole thing was he wanted to be killed and eaten. Okay, yep. And he paid a dude to come do it, and the guy ate his dick in front of him and fed it to him.

It was like a whole situation. They were on a play about it. Well, he's a giver. Yeah. You know. Come on, dude. Yeah. The whole world of vore porn is very unsettling.

Yeah. Next, next week. Vore porn. All right. It's real. Moving on. Is this domain name taken murder.help?

Jesus fucking Christ, Carter. Yes, this has got to be. Look, you guys are real good with your big, long soliloquies. I'm about the simple shit. Murder.help. This is going to be how they retroactively find the Zodiac Killer. Murder.help.

He's slipping in his whole page. Obviously helped him a lot. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say yes. Murder.help. Not taken. We're back to Todd. Get on that.

Next one. Is this domain name taken Murder.help. Not taken. We're back to Todd. Get on that. Next one. Is this domain name taken? Rape.tips. I mean... Oh, no. What if it's just tips for if you get raped? Maybe it's like what to do. Even then I still find the name a little cavalier.

It's direct. You just got raped. You don't have time to do a lot of like, you know, just go right to rape.tips god you know this is this i think that's just the tip of rape this is another one i should have done is french fry.tips because i was like the tips of the french that is that is how far this podcast has eroded my soul because the first thing i thought was well thank god it's not rape.justthetips uh i'm gonna say no. I'm going to hope no. It's taken. Oh, man.

I don't know what it is. I didn't go. I'm going to go right now. Don't type that into your phone. You think that's the worst thing that's been on Keith's phone? We went to Roscoe's and he got gravy in the fucking auxiliary socket. You know what, man? Hey, you're a genius.

Get gravy out of this. I don't feel good about what I've done here. Rape.tips. It's tips for people that have been raped, man? Hey, you're a genius. Get gravy out of this. I don't feel good about what I've done here. Rape.tips? It's tips for people that have been raped, right? It's got to be. It's loading. Tell you what. Move on with the game, and I will, when it loads up, I'll let you guys know what's happening.

Okay. Next question. Is this domain name taken newzoo.review? Yeah, that sounds like a fucking old AOL remnant from back in the day. Now you get a new zoo. You got to look it up on the inner tubes and fucking go to Kids WB afterwards. Newzoo.review. I'm going to say now.

Not taken. Oh, good. I have found Rape.tips. It is a picture of a lady and it says, just don't. Presented to you by the bearded feminists against radical feminism. Dude, what the... Okay, we gotta go deeper here. Yeah, we're going down this rabbit hole.

Whether this rabbit hole wants us to or not. Robin Tran, if you're listening, can you please untangle this fucking feminist Rubik's Cube for us? I don't even know where to start or where to begin. Bearded feminists, I don't know what that means. I'm not doing fucking dumb internet ding-dong inception. It's like trying to solve a fucking progressive Rubik's Cube with no colors.

Just help. Well, yeah, it's like when you read like legalese like in a contract and you're like, I don't know what does limited mean. Next one. How much is... Final question. How much is this domain name worth? Prolapse.guru. I got to snatch that up.

Find all my tour dates on prolapse.guru. Oh, my God. We have a lot of fun here. It could be $2.99. It could be $10 million. We have a lot of fun here at Mean Boys, but prolapsing is no laughing matter, boys. You're going to need the prolapse guru to coach you through it.

That's our PSA at the end. Yeah, you know. Your anus has to be on... There's got to be a clear Berlin Wall for where your asshole should and should not be. I'm going to say yes. Oh, no. How much is it worth?

Oh, well, I... I'm going to go by how much I would pay, and that's $2,000. Oh, my God. You say that now, but when you're in the middle of one, by god, you'll... I've never been... Have you ever had your anus prolapsed?

What does prolapse even really mean? I will say I've been in the... You know when you take a sock off and it goes inside out? Oh no! Oh no! Oh Joe, your mom listens. Don't tell me. Let's say I've been in the yellow light of this situation. Well, you're peaked out.

Get back in there. Like, if I get pulled over, I'm okay, but I was cutting her close. You whack-a-mold your butthole back in? You blew a.07 on the asshole Richter scale? I think a.07 blew him out. Oh, this is like... The yellow light. How much?

I mean, whatever. I'm going to say $10,000. $39.99. Oh, that's a steal. The last time I tried to play it sensibly, they were like $8 million for fucking cum dot explosion or whatever. See, this is why capitalism doesn't fucking work.

It's just... The Soviet Union would not allow this. They would go, you will go to prolapse. Guru will be for the will of the people. The inventor will receive no money. It is for the glory of the motherland. Modesty is its own reward. We will keep the Cossacks from prolapsing. They are our first line of defense motherland. Modesty is its own reward. We'll keep the Cossacks

from prolapsing. They're our first line of defense against NATO. If someone wants to untangle the ball of fucking vagina twine that is rape.tips, please tweet us and tell us what it's about.

That's a stoma name taken. I don't feel good. No, we're all going to hell. Let's do some shit. We're going to take a group shower name taken. I don't feel good. We're all going to hell. Let's do some shit. We're going to take a group shower with acid. Goodbye. For now. Stay close, Pikachu.

Who knows who's hiding in these woods? Pika P? Prepare for trouble. Make it double. Oh, no. Team Rocket. Pikachu. Get him. Pika. Make it double. Oh no, Team Rocket, Pikachu, get him.

Pika? Not so fast. Oh no, Pikachu. That's right, and we know all your other Pokemon are in the Poka Hospital. There's nothing you can do to stop us from taking that Pikachu. You're finished. I still have one Pokemon left. I've never seen this type before. I found him rummaging through my trash can last night.

Here goes nothing. Oh, what the fucking fuck is going on here? What? What is this strange creature? The name's Mark Malloy, and I'm fucking pissed off, kid. I had a few whiskeys with Nurse Joy last night. I was supposed to finger pop it by the dumpster. Next thing I know, this little jab kid comes running at me, chucks a fucking baseball at my dome,

and then I'm stuck inside the motherfucker, like I'm fucking White Kazam. No wonder Mark Wahlberg doesn't trust you people. He's got a real putty mouth on him. Holy shit, kid. Did that fucking cat just talk? It doesn't matter. Prepare for battle. Battle? What the fuck are you talking about, you crazy gash?

Meowth, use slash. Ah, fuck me. Now I'm gonna get whatever version of hepatitis they got here. What attacks do you know, Mark Malloy? Oh, you wanna see an attack? I got a fucking attack for you. Mark Malloy uses pocket screwdriver. What? Wait, what? Ah! Oh, shit.

Look at that. It's super effective. Arbok, go. Arbok! Holy shit, kid. That thing is fucking badass. Look, I'm gonna kill it, shit, kid, that thing is fucking badass. Like, I'm gonna kill it, but I kinda wanna get a tattoo of it. Arbok, poison fang. Ah, nice try, trouser snake, but I can't be poisoned.

I've been drinking Jager since I was on my mom's fucking tit. Now you bite that fucking curb. Arbok! Arbok! Oh, Jesus. There's usually not this much blood. Peek-a-boo! Oh, man, this is fucking great, kid.

It's nice to be able to kill animals without somebody trying to send me to that hospital for Pheebs. Who's next? Uh, coughing. I choose you. Coughing? Uh, coughing! Well, fuck me. Yeah, check the scoreboard, bitch. Mark Malloy fucked up all them Tamagotchis.

That's not what they're called and you know it. Ah, blow me, Charlie Chan. I'm out of here. You fags have fun with your goofy little cockfights or whatever. Hey, you with the pink hair. You want to make that R on your shirt stand for railed in the bathroom over Dunkin' Donuts? I mean, kind of. Jesse!

Hell yeah. Sucks to be you, nerd. Come on, slut. Let's Hell yeah. Sucks to be you, nerd. Come on, slut. Let's fucking party. Kill me. Fuck Pokemon. I'm going back to school. Team Mark Malloy's finger blasting off again! All right, everybody.

Mean Boys is back with another game of Which of the Following. I wrote this, it was a very anticlimactic intro after I said it. I was like, oh fuck, I said the thing, I'm going to edit in the goddamn Sesame Street. Anyway, this I actually wrote after I went to Ireland a long time ago, and then it was in one of our lost episodes. So everybody forgot how it goes, and we're going to bring it back and fucking do it because somebody sent us some shit, and we didn't get the whole file, and nobody cares. Here we go. We sure don't. Yeah, sorry.

Which of the following is not a real Irish snack food? These are things I compiled in the gas stations of my homeland. A, hunky-dories. B, crunch-em-ups. C, wispa. Or D, time-out wafer. I think it's funny that the snacks that... Because this is what meth heads would eat, but they're still just so kind of wholesome sounding.

So whimsical, yeah. I gotta get a hunky-dory. Yeah, yeah. Dude, Irish druggies are fucking haunting i mean maybe it's just because they look exactly like me but seeing all the teenagers in dublin strung out on heroin i was just like oh my god you fucking like if you add drugs on top of people that already look like they're just strung out and like allergic to sunlight it's a big fucking joy division nosferatus seriously they're malnourished already. These aren't even drug addicts. These are just like the mayor.

It's like you go from white to translucent. Like I could fucking see his heart beating through his fucking I haven't eaten anything through his stiff little fingers t-shirt.

I haven't eaten anything but potatoes in six months. Neither has the counselor at my rehab. Just turn into a fucking human spring roll. I'm going to say Crunch'em Ups. Joseph?

I'm going to say Crunch'em Ups, too. It is Crunch'em Ups. What? Well done, boys. Number two, which of the following is not a real Irish snack? A, Ballygoan. B, Jammy Dodgers. C, Snack-A-Lack.

Or D, tatoes? Ballygoan sounds like a ghost that haunts you for eternity if you speak ill of your friend's mother. Yeah, like some German folktale that Joe would be really into. My mother always told me about the ballygoan. Santa Claus visits the good children, but the bad children receive a visit from the ballygoan. He brings them a bag of knives. And stares at them until they harm themselves with them He will ferry you to the furnace land Oh god, the furnace land

Make sure you keep a rotary under your bed To give to the Baligowans So he will leave you alone on his trip to hell He will strangle you with it But your death will be more humane You'll mime him with a jammy dodger. Jammy dodgers, A, I know are real because they were in an episode of Doctor Who. Oh, he's fucking queer.

Sorry, learned some shit. B, jammy dodgers sounds like a game where somebody tries to come on you and you try and get out of the way in time. Jammy dodgers. Ooh, if that is not Irish porn, it needs to be. It sounds like a Civil War era epithet. You jammy dodgers. These jammy dodgers. These jammy dodgers and Mason Dixon.

I'm going to say Snack-A-Lack. Snack-A-Lack sounds like some shit that Diablo Cody would write. I'm going to say Snack-A-Lack as well. Snack-A-Lack. We are crushing this game. Diablo Cody. You already played Diablo Cody. I think subconsciously we might have just remembered all of them. We're having fun. I think the riffs are better this game. Diablo. You already played Diablo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think subconsciously we might have just remembered all of them. Yeah.

We're having fun. I think the riffs are better this time. Valley going is actually a bottled water. I don't know if that counts as a snack, but it's just such a silly goddamn name. All out. Number three, which of the following is a real Irish snack? A, Curly Whirly. B, Cheese Toasties.

C, Lucas Aid. Or D, Onion Jumpers. Everything just sounds like wholesome and low-key. It's like you can walk in and it's like, Fuck it! In America, it's like extreme gum! Fuck your mother in the mouth! Fucking nacho-flavored fuck gum!

Mountain Dew, set your father's grave on fire and do a heel flip over it! Hey, the flaming graves of me father have a curly, whirly, and topsy-thin one. Monster energy drink, orc blood. Fuck. Onion jumpers sounds like what Trump calls Mexicans. Luke is eight. I think that's what Lucario turns into in Pokemon. Isn't Luke is eight what Lil Wayne is always drinking?

I'm going to say Luke is eight for that exact reason. I'm going to say Lucozade for that exact reason. I'm going to say Onion Jumpers. The fake one is Onion Jumpers. Cheese Toasties is what they call grilled cheese sandwiches.

Oh, that's a much better name. Really? Oh, you cheese toasties. They're fancy gourmet versions in the Silver Lake of California. I like in the Silver Lake. In Providence Land of California, they make the finest cheese toasties in the land, and they fucking safen the economy off of America.

They don't have a manufacturing base no more. They're made with pesto, and that'll be the fucking lubricant that sends them to the battles of hell. You eat a cheese toasty standing in your grave, for that's where we shall all end up. It really bums me out that I do a better German accent than Joe, and Joe does a better Irish accent than me. Yeah.

Which is the problem because I'm a real Irish snack. A. Well, thank God we found each other. Digestives. B.

Ah, fucking shit. Well, we... All right. Play along. I didn't accidentally show the answer. B. Crumble Yum.

That one sure sounds real. I don't think it's that one at all. That's definitely... I don't know if you guys are going to be able to tell this time. C, Hobnobs, or D, Jaffa Cakes. Jaffa Cakes sounds like a dessert from the Star Wars prequels.

That's like what it sounds like when an anthropomorphized cupcake takes a shit. It's not Defecates, it's Jaffa Cakes. Jaffa Cakes sounds like the keyboard player for a reggae band. Ooh, yeah. Well, we've milked Java Cakes, right? You want to move on to another one?

This is so workmanlike. I would have said Digestives had Conard not revealed the real answer. I would have said Crumble Yum. But I'm going to stay by my principles. Digestives. I guess Crumble Yum. Yeah, it's Crumble Yum. It's not real. That sounds delicious. That would have like cinnamon and apple and shit. Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Digestives is probably what they call like kombucha over there no it's like a cookie it's like an old person cookie that's really horrible i mean they have like 10 trillion calories per cookie it's pretty gnarly digestives yeah i don't know like i don't make you poop uh number five all real or all fake a goblin bar keith b album or Or the only place I perform for money. B, pocket smacks. The sound of Joe's anus prolapsing. Yes. C, tiftoff.

Something about Conor Saki. What I say when I listen to Conor's act. Tiftoff. Oh, tiftoff. D, all day chew. All day. When we have to eat Carrie in the fucking Mean Boys Friendship Bunker Donner Party after Nuclear Winter destroys Silver Lake's cheese toasties. All Day Chew is what Tom calls gum.

Yeah, it's an All Day Chew. One of those All Day Chews. All real or all fake? I am going to say all real. I'm going to say all real as well. Those are all fake. Oh, I wish I didn't know. Goblin Bar.

Yeah. Goblin bar is more Scandinavian than Irish. What? They like trolls over there. I don't know. A troll and a goblin are different things,

you racist. Yeah, you fucking... Not in my America, they're not. I think you're only racist against fictional quantities, you know? I'd be the David Duke

of Middle Earth. That was the real... Which the elves Duke of Middle Earth that was the real that was the elves were basically that was the witch of the following for this week the guy that sent us the one with Marvel characters fucking resend it with the actual shit in it you dullard so we can we don't have to participate in your own abuse you cunt yeah fucking be

Stockholm Syndrome set in already or we could or we could write our own fucking Witch of the Fallen. Nah, we're good. Nah, we're done with that. I mean, guys, we can't be writing our own material. The three of us were featured on the Snapchat, so we can't be bothered. The two of us. Someday.

Yeah, I'll make it to the Comedy Central Snapchat someday, guys. We were also in a Dodge commercial. You know, Keith and I like to think Snapchat is the television of the future You know, these people and their antiquated mediums Yeah, that's what all these people who are actually on TV keep telling me Oh, I know Why don't you feature it on a cotton gin while you're at it? Antiquated mediums is all the clothes Joe wears

Fucking hipster vintage Yeah, an antiquated medium Like back when people were like Napoleon size Like, you really do have a 17th century body. You know, for all my old-timiness, I do kind of dress like a twink from the future. Well, yeah, what do you say? Oh, God, space twink! You dress like a millennial if the Nazis won.

Is that your line? Yes, yeah. Yeah, that's very good. Fag in the high castle. All right, guys, we got something in the Mean Boys mailbag. We got a few letters. Please continue to write us, meanboyspodcast.com. Go to the contact page or just send it to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com've got a few letters. Please continue to write us, meanboyspodcast.com. Go to the contact page

or just send it to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com or tweet us some shit. I do want to point out, I've been forgetting to say this for weeks, someone in the iTunes reviews called Joe RuPaul Bag Face. And if that's not the funniest thing

I've ever heard, my name ain't Connor McFadden. That's fucking home run. Well done. So from Twitter user at fetuschrist message, I'm kind of digging this show. That's a Nirvana B-side.

That's from the box set, I'm pretty sure. Like, how many dumb fucking nonsensical combinations of words did they go through before they got to Fetus Christ? Yeah, he's like, oh, fucking shit, knife rapist is taken. Yeah, fucking dick shit is gone. I don't love Fetus Christ. I will do another Witch of the Falling porn star followers, because that's one of my favorites to do. That's real good. Hitler boner.

All right. I'm kind of digging the show as my current distraction from my working 12 hours a day in a warehouse because I didn't pay enough attention in high school. But holy fuck, do the first episodes suck dick. Even Keith sounds fatter. Like he's not exhaling to speak, just allowing the fat in his chest to compress his lungs for a similar effect. Wow. I agree. The first episodes are kind of rough.

Like, once you get to episode five, it picks up. But there's definitely some first pancakes. There's some gems in those first episodes. Oh, yeah. The first appearance of Dr. Mortaro. You know, the first appearance of Dr. Mortaro is like, yeah, Wolverine showed up in Detective Comics for some reason. We did a Dr. Mortaro every week in the early days. For like a month and a half.

That's a lot of dead baby jokes I had to get out of my spirit. And we're not even done. So, fuck, you want some Tom shit. Ask him who is the most dangerous Tard in the short bus, and when he goes off on a tangent about something completely unrelated, ask him how often those Mongoloids whip their dicks out and which Tard dick he'd like to suck the most. Oh, and there's no way that dude didn't try to rock some Wolverine sideburns at least once in his life.

I want pictures. Valentina kicks Tapatio's ass. This is like the most hostile email. Why do you read these? Yeah, I can't believe fetus Christ wasn't more chill. Well, I mean, hey, I want to give a voice to the No, don't give the city a voice.

You think we're not going to get hate mail? We have the most hateful show ever. It's just confusing mail. Thanks for calling me fatter. Yeah, Tom, tweet at fetus Christ about retard dicks, I guess. Yeah, you relate to the Tom train. Alright, next email.

I found out about you guys through that hipster Sasquatch Kyle Clark. I've got a sense of humor dark enough that it isn't comfortable wearing a hoodie in South Florida. Example, a friend lost both of his parents. It's okay, they had a bad relationship. And my second text to him was, on the bright side, you're halfway to becoming Batman. Thank you for a home for my rotting dark heart.

That was not enjoyable. And you should not feel cool, whoever you are. We tried to scare away all our friends. We have to let some people just be like Walmart t-shirt edgy. Because not everybody has the dark arts. Yeah, not everybody has the pure fucking plutonium of negativity that we have. All right, and now for some insults. I did take the time to Facebook stop you guys from Maximum Effects.

Are we getting roasted now? Yep, we're getting roasted. Connor, I'm going to apologize at the start. I can't roast you too much since you don't have an album or a television appearance for me to reference. Fair enough. It's weird that the lone cunt fucker looks so gay. In your pictures, you look like you should be on a go-go stage at a gay bar having played your own game of oh no in a white jock

strap while manning the glory hole during your breaks i'd love to see you perform but i'm not planning to go to california anytime soon and my niece is quinceanera is it for another 10 years oh geez well played uh very well done joe how the fuck could you wear that Wesley Crusher reject sweater and not be sweating? While Keith is having butter sweats, you're sitting there cool as a cucumber that just came out of your ass. I can only assume that you're so flaming that the heat from the sweater and stage lights was the equivalent of a cozy Martha's Vineyard fall afternoon. Also, your reaction to Keith's response to your Keith's mom joke was the gayest thing I've ever been involved in. There's no way you're fucking anybody. I don't know, dude. That one kind of fizzled out.

Keith, I'd suggest you stay away from the cardigans. They're to the tubby as patchouli is to the hippie. They're convinced that the effect covers what they're... Can someone else read? They're convinced that the effect covers what they want to hide, but it instead enhances the effect.

With the amount of pictures you have of yourself topless or more on Facebook, you are either brave or have a horrible, horrible alcohol problem. Please seek help and fitness equipment. Also, competitive eating does not count as exercise. Getting cut was bullshit. If comedy doesn't work, you could always stunt cock for Chaz Bono. Ugh, jeez.

In all seriousness, you guys are fucking hilarious. Thank you for your free weekly content. I appreciate it. I bought Forever Nap, and I'll get anything that Joe or Connor record. If you guys end up hitting the road reasonably close to me, I'll drive out. I'll dick bomb Ramsey, but it's hard to find him since his last name sounds like some joke location made up by some Catskills

portion of a comic trying to squeeze in a laugh after a stale joke popped. Wow. That was the funniest thing in the whole email. Joe, if you found this message particularly inspiring, let me add to the experience. I'm 6'3", blue eyes, uncut 8 with a PA, and no desire to watch, and the band played on. God is dead and life is meaningless, fuckers.

Jesus. Oh, that was kind of sweet. I feel like Chuck Palahniuk, like I poured my heart out into a work, but it's only enjoyed by dickheads. This person was doing their best. I mean, he's definitely the coolest guy that works at the Hot Topic in his town, but beyond that. Thank you for your praise, and you deserve yourself, whoever you are. This guy wants to fuck, dude. Oh, dear.

Thanks for writing, guys. We do love when you answer. As much as we give you shit and get exasperated with you. Yeah. Love hearing from the fans. Please send in more Wicked The Falling, send in Mexican Jokoffs. Yeah, anything else you want to... Oh, yeah, a jingle for domain names?

Yeah. As much as we do despise you for representing a part of my soul that I can't accept, thanks for listening. Send in shit or don't. Hey, Mean Boys fans, you are our gay sons. We don't have to love you, but we'll accept you. Like we know that you're what we deserve and there's nothing wrong with you, but we still can't stop ourselves from – I know. Just being bummed out.

Why weren't you born right? All right. Well, do we have any plugs we want to do? Yeah, anybody? Maybe I got some shit they want to – I got a couple things. August 4th, this Thursday, I will be at the Hollywood Improv at the Improv Lab for the Comedy Spelling Bee. I'll be the guest judge there talking some shit.

And then on Monday, August 8th, I'll be at the Pikey Bar in Hollywood. And Wednesday, August 10th, I will be at the Ontario Improv with Connor McSpadden and Tony Hinchcliffe. That'll be fun. Me, I'll be tomorrow. The day this comes out, I'll be at Harvell's in Long Beach at 9 o'clock with Mr. Joe Dosh, I believe. Wednesday and Thursday, I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. One of those will be a historical roast. We'll be playing JFK. That should be fun.

I will be doing a Mayor Quimby impression for the entire thing, and you just have to deal with that. Friday, August 5th, I'll be at the Cruiseburg Cafe in San Luis Obispo, and August 6th, I will be at the Ice House Comedy Club at 9 p.m. On the weekend of the August 19th and 20th, I will be headlining

the Pioneer Underground in Reno, Nevada. Nevada fans, come out. I'm coming up there. It's Pride Week, and I'll be coming up there with Punky Johnson, who, while not affiliated with Mean Boys, is probably my favorite comic in the world. So that's going to be a really, really good time if you're in the Nevada area or Central California area or anywhere. If you're in that area,

you don't have any other entertainment options, and your lives are chaff. So come dance them away at the Joe Dosh Show at Pioneer Underground in Reno, Nevada. Dancing will not be tolerated. One more thing I just want to say. Special shout out

to a friend of the show, Mike Lawrence, who won the roast battle finals last night. Yes, congratulations, Mike. And catch Mike on a new episode of The Burn Booth, Wednesday, August 3rd.

He did that before he was the champion of the world, and boy, did he fuck up his brand. And he also agreed to come do a Mean Boys episode before he was the champion of the world. So, yeah, a lot of things. I don't think he signed a release, so look forward to him being hastily blurred out like some kind of shitty Sasquatch.

That's exactly the way to describe him. We love you very much, Mike. Congratulations. Thank you. Congrats, Mike. Go hose yourself down, you greasy ogre. Fuck everything, God is dead. Yay! Yay, Drowned Bees! I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm