Mean Boys - EP 29 - Boogie Board Birthday

Episode Date: August 3, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Names”, “Active Shooter Report”, “Everyone Loves The Void” and a game of which of the following by @deathtothefilth AKA Joel with Marvel Characters. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Connor McSpatten. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm Billy Butterguts. You know, the other day I was actually watching clips on YouTube of whale corpses exploding. I don't like where this is going.

You didn't need actually there. That's what I imagine you're doing. It was evocative of Keith. And you know what they do when they die? Their guts decompose and turn to gas, but their blubbery hides are so thick that it just builds up pressure and pressure. So they have to get a dude in a bio suit out to puncture a hole in the blubber and then it just explodes guts in his face.

For the love of God, oh my God, like the Hurt Locker but with whale flesh? Exactly like the Hurt Locker but with whale flesh. The Squirt Locker? No, no, no, the Hurt Davy Jones Locker. Oh! I want to do a segment where we just incorporate Joe's sad YouTube history

where it's like, yeah, what's all this black and white footage of JonBenet Ramsey doing next to these fucking 1920s propaganda cartoons? I like nautical Connor, by the way.

Just doing crowd work on a ship. Yo-ho, yo yo ho, a road hacks life for me. Welcome to Seaboys. Like you were one of the little boys that they used to reload the cannons with cannonballs and you just grew up and you're not strong enough to be a pirate so you just make

goofabouts and baldy tails. Yeah, I've memorized all the shanties. Connor McSpadden, the cabin boy of comedy. You can fuck around with a sea-a-toon. Real life Connor comedy news. I may be doing a cruise showcase, so I might actually be doing this. Oh, no.

That is the blast stories of road hackery. Oh, yeah. That's so great. Well, here's the thing. I'm very poor. And second of all, I think it would just be funny to say I did it. It would be super funny. Dude, don't shit on cruises, man.

Fucking, I did one. They're awesome. Oh, yeah, but you did the fucking gay boy apocalypse burn the world party boat. I'm going to be in the fucking carnival family fun fuckery prison at sea. Yeah, with like face painters and shit. Face painters? Well, I mean, not in like a Darth Maul way, but we pretty much just do Kabuki makeup. And it was awesome, too, because we were cruising up to Alaska, so it was just like this whole boat full of sodomites sailing to the end of the world to summon an eldritch horror.

Alright, well, we're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke, boys. Ay, so topical. Let's get into the Mexican joke on voice. Ay, so topical. It's so funny. All right, I'll start us off. Black Lives Matter protesters have blocked the road near Heathrow Airport. They chanted their message, respect our rights or arrive on our time. I enjoyed that. The terminally ill son of a U.S. drill sergeant was made an honorary Marine at Camp Pendleton today.

The Twitter of Liberian President Charles Taylor tweeted, Oh, but when I make kid soldiers, it's an atrocity. Shake my damn head. Check your privilege. The golden gun of infamous Nazi Hermann Goring is set to be sold at auction. In related news, the Mean Boys podcast is launching their first ever GoFundMe campaign. I could kill Oddjob with one shot. Oh my god,

yeah. The Holocaust was an Oddjob. Yeah, it sucks that this basement is just full of Spice Girls memorabilia and not Nazi trinkets. Like, if we could really get some, like, Third Reich, you know, knick-knacks, I think it would really set the vibe for the show. Oh, no. Knick-knacks. I think it would really set the vibe for the show. Oh, no.

Knick-knacks. Yeah. It's like Goebbels bobble. Knick-knacks! The richest man in Mexico has proposed a three-day work week. He says this will help the country adapt to a changing economy and combat stereotypes about them being a hard-working people. A species of brain-eating amoeba was discovered in the United States.

The CDC has fortunately contained the outbreak to Conor McSpadden's mailing list. You stupid. I heard brain-eating amoeba and I was immediately like, how is this going to connect to my fans? They dumb. Thirteen people were killed in a bar fire in France. Their charred corpses

have been declared the best-smelling people in France. Truly repugnant snail-eating pig monster. Did you find that from a joke book in 1910? We all enjoyed it. Yeah, you can't enjoy it and then hate it. Oh no, I just love the very... Yes, I can, so I stay in the mirror.

We're going to take a long road to find out that French people rank. They truly are foul. Julian Assange claims that 1,700 of We're going to take a long road to find out that French people rank. They truly are foul. Yeah. Julian Assange claims that 1,700 of Hillary Clinton's emails prove she traded weapons with leaders in ISIS and Syria and traded outfits with the Supreme Chancellors of the Galactic Space Federation. That bitch dresses like Kim Jong-un. It's fucking terrible.

Yeah. I had a picture of her in a yellow pantsuit, and I was like, are you going to Easter Sunday on the Death Star? What do you do? Yeah, it's like if the Imperials had women officers. That's what she would look like. She looks like fucking Grand Moff Tarkin. Grandma Moff Tarkin. Grams.

Death Star cookies. A bald eagle stole an iPhone out of its owner's hands. The owner was apparently playing Pokemon Go across veterans' graves. That's not where eagles live, but I still like it. I don't need the continuity to match up. Yes, they do. They watch the graves in case freedom doesn't happen on them. Are you thinking of ghosts?

In case freedom doesn't happen. I just love that Arlington has, like, alright, there's our sixth eagle brigade. Eagles are the living ghosts of freedom. Take it away, Keith. 42 people were injured after a fence collapsed at a Snoop Dogg concert in New Jersey. Authorities are still unclear as to the cause of the accident,

although eyewitnesses claim to have seen Suge Knight running away and twirling his mustache. He is black Snively Whiplash. That's what he really is. Snively Ghost Ride the Whiplash. Oh, my God. Oh, you broke me.

I couldn't even... Don't sit down on the AIDS needles, he is... Come on, Muttly. Hey, Tupac, what do you say we take a drive? Tupac is the original wacky racer Oh no I'm proud of myself for knowing black references I was about to make a monkey in the trunk joke

Until I remembered that was Speed Racer The important thing is it was racist as fuck Racer DMX Alright that is only for my father Who does not listen to the show Xavier University in Cincinnati Has installed the first pizza ATM in North America. In related news, Keith Carey is furiously trying to improve his credit score. Keith, when you said pizza ATM, Keith looked like fucking Donald Trump when he's asked a difficult question.

Connor, by the way, I have a joke on a completely unrelated subject. A giant pink blob of rotting biomass in the ocean was identified as the bloated corpse of a sperm whale. A crying 12-year-old Keith remarked, this is the worst boogie board birthday ever.

Boogie board birthday! Boogie board birthday! Is that an episode of cayu like i swear when i was writing my mexican joke house this week i'm like i'm not gonna write a keith's fat joke this week and the first article included the line a giant blob of rotting biomass i mean i can't even be mad and i thought and i thought that you know what joe's got to cover it i don't need to pilot. And I thought that, you know what? Joe's got to cover it. I don't need to pilot pizza ATM. All right, that's too good to just let... Can I ask a question? I keep seeing like pizza ATM, cupcake ATM. Like that's like a big thing.

Those are vending machines. Yeah. Everybody actually gets such a novel thing of food ATM. I have a pizza account in Bank of America. So I have checking savings. Pepperoni. Yeah, pepperoni. Oh, God.

Food trucks are your bank. The rotting blob of pink biomass has the floor. And most of the walls. You should just get paid in burrito tickets like fucking West Virginia coal miners. Anyway. Wait, what the fuck are you even talking about? It was one of my dumb ones. Sold my soul to the company store.

See, you know what I'm talking about. Okay about but i don't think the burrito tickets uh that's one of my bullshit things well he can't be a sharecropper he won't share anything his burrito tickets what you get if you park a taco truck in the wrong place all right fuck everything okay that was you didn't you like you forsook it too soon you didn't give us time to love it, which we did. It was fun. I just got called a lot of stuff. Yes, I didn't have to be a person again. A copy of Action Comics No. 1, the comic book that first introduced Superman, sold at auction for $956,000.

Zack Snyder was quoted as saying, quote, This was a great purchase. Now I won't have to buy toilet paper for another week. He ruined Superman. Metropolis County Landfill. Again, it was good. It was just a little New Yorker cartoon. Yeah, they're not great.

The four spot is always my worst joke. I figured that out. The important thing is we all try our best. A child survived nine hours of being locked in a daycare van. He was finally found after a passerby heard him yelling, Am I dead yet? Heavens. Scientists have discovered cancer cells

in a million-year-old fossil. The Mean Boys podcast wishes Earl Skakel a speedy recovery. That is some inside baseball. He's on TV now. Kind of. Unlike the rest of us. He was on Real Rob, guys. Real Rob.

Delta Airlines took heat on social media for cutting a lesbian sex scene from the in-flight version of the film Carol. In their defense, FAA regulations do not allow scissors

on airplanes. Oh, dude. Mike Droff. Fucking solid work. Look at you, Billy Butterguts, redeeming yourself. Oh! I was told that one day the Butterguts name is going to be famous, and not just for what we did to the bathroom with that Taco Bell.

And biomass knocks it out of the park. Oh, biomass. All right, well, that was a rollicking Mexican joke, Huff Gang. I think we'll be right back after some other shit. We now return to HBC's hottest new sitcom, Everyone Loves the Void. Craig's a 30-year-old who works in the tech industry who just asked his girlfriend, Kylie, to move in with him. And everything would go smoothly if it weren't for their wacky roommate, the Void. And now it's time for some existential fun with Everyone Loves The Void.

Hey babe, how was your day? My day was terrible. I blew a tire on the drive home and I'm so behind on my article I'm gonna miss my deadline. Oh no, why didn't you call me? Well, it's hard to call you when a seagull flew away with my phone. Oh wow, that's pretty bad. And how was your day, The Void? Oh, The Void. Craig, what's the matter?

Well, I had to run down to the DMV and renew my license, and then I had to run to Valvoline to get my oil changed, but I realized I left my wallet at the DMV, so I had to go back, and while I was gone all day, the void ate my concept of God. Void! You ought to know by now, Craig, the void feasts on deities with a maw that can't be sated. I know the void.

The feaster of gods was your father. You know what they say, babe. Not even God can fill The Void. All right, The Void. My boss is coming over for dinner tonight, and if it goes well, I could definitely secure that promotion. And if not, well, I don't even want to think about it. Thanks, The Void. Tell me something I don't know to be true, but keep buried under a shield of lies. He's here.

Hello, Craig. It's lovely to be here. I certainly hope this dinner goes well. As you know, your possible promotion depends on it. Sure thing, boss. And who might you be? Well, sir, let me introduce you to my roommate,

the Void. Our minds are a maze of knives! A maze of knives! Oh, man, my boss choked to death on his own tongue rather than face the terror of the Void. There goes my promotion. Don't sweat it, Craig.

I think sometimes these things happen are meant to be. I think this is a sign that you need to quit your job and work on your own startup you've been dreaming about. You're right. I need to start living my own life. And you know what? There's something else I've been wanting to start for a long time. Kylie, will you marry me? Aww.

And I think I'll ask the Void to be my best man. But the Void already promised to be my maid of honor. Well, the Void looks like you've got a tux and a dress to get fitted for, buddy, huh? Because not even love can free mankind from the void.

All right, everybody. Mean Boys is back, and it is time for one of our favorite segments, New Names. It's time for New Names. New Names. Yeah. I remember. I think you called out anything. New Names. New Names. New names New names

The voice The voice Scatman the void God is dead I'm an even blacker abyss Can we do scat metal Fuck your mom Dude, I would do it. I'm an even blacker abyss. Can we do scat metal? Suga-da-dum-dum-ka-duga-dum-dum-ka-duga-dum-da-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Fuck your mom.

Duga-duga-dum-ka-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. Duga-duga-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum-ka-dum. They were right.

It really is the devil's music. Scatman Smothers. You're ailing relative with a pillow to relieve them from pain. Buh-dang-dang-dang. So, new names, huh? I have decided that Huffing Poppers

will now be known as Rectum yawning. Public libraries will now be known as literacy graveyards. Okay. Okay. That is the worst feeling I've ever had. That is the meanest thing ever said on this podcast.

And I was called rotting pink biomass earlier. That was the most terse dismissal. I spend my entire life trying to keep my dismissiveness contained to a level that is acceptable of being deserving of friendship. But sometimes the inner beast comes out. You get smart. That's what this podcast really is it's us compartmentalizing our horror compartmentalized horror welcome back to the compartmentalized horror hour where we exercise ourselves from the thoughts that aren't fit for

the metro new name for child pregnancy having one in the easy bake oven i decided hillary clinton will now be known as the grandma that dies last That's pretty fucking good Cut to live by hate you see Suicide Squad will now be known as Four Loko the movie Alright When we eventually have sound reps

That's going to be up there with Carrie you're fired I've decided that Volkswagen bugs will be up there with Carrie. You're fired. I've decided that Volkswagen Bugs will be called Frumpy Asian Girl Mobiles. Frumpy Asian Girl Mobiles. Landfill. They were made by the Germans. Yeah, but the Asian girls driving with the solar-powered plants on the dashboard that waggle their arms. You drive a PT Cruiser.

You are a frumpy Asian girl. No, I think the only person that should be allowed to drive a PT Cruiser is Guy Fieri. I think that's the only person that looks appropriate inside of it. That feels right in my heart. I want to get flames and fucking chrome skull decals to just put on the fucking gas cap.

I've decided that pleated, high-waisted jeans will now be known as basic bitch graduation gowns. Shaved pubes will now be known as basic bitch graduation gowns. Shaved pubes will now be known as pedophilia cosplay. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. That's too dark for this show.

Oh, no. I have decided that Invader Zim messenger bags will be called the Star of David in Nazi Germany, but for people without personalities. Long road to get there, but I like where we went. Guess why I shortened things. I've decided that WikiLeaks will now be known as the Illuminati's Tattletales. Connor McSpadden and Joe Dosh will now be known as Tweedledee and Tweedlecom. Hey, maybe I only wrote four of them and then realized that 30 seconds ago. So it wasn't bad for that. Connor's tweet will come.

I should clarify that. I don't want it to get out. Connor took a breath to exhale condescendingly more. That was a snort of derision. I've never seen a whole body fart before. That was tremendous. I was like doing like, I was charging up like Goku, but it was with disdain. That was like you were like farting out of all your pores.

Smarm! I've decided that credit cards will now be called Grown-Up Tamagotchis. Why? Because you've got to feed them, or else they die, and then you've got to ask your mom to get you a new one. Okay. That definitely shouldn't have been so condescending before ones I'm not wild about. I've decided that... Wait, let me just fold my arms and make direct eye contact with you. You guys got your good fold in?

Good? Got good eye contact on? I got folds for days. I've decided that Bernie Sanders will now be known as the Moms Mabley of Millennials. I had one for Bernie, but I didn't do it because it wasn't good and I have good judgment unlike you I was going to call him Chewie Balboa

what because he lost but he's still the hero it's just the least amount of work you could have done to get there hey alright well fucking you'd go fat girls tattoos will now be called tramp food stamps.

All right. I've decided that cunnilingus will now be called orgasm data entry. Just putting in the work. I got an Excel spreadsheet. I think that's new names for the week, right guys? It's an Excel spreadsheet. She's lost a few pounds. Ha ha ha! And now, Dodge presents the Fox News Active Shooter Report

with your hosts, Chip Porter and Rusty Featherton. Good afternoon, America, and welcome to the Fox News Active Shooter Report, bringing you up to speed on all the week's big news in the world of mass shootings. I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Rusty Featherton. How are you today, Russ? Thrilled to be here, as always, Chip, but I gotta tell you right out the gate, it's been a heck of a week. Blood in the streets and numbers on the scoreboard. Right you are, pal. Let's get things started with a bang. Well, seven bangs, to be exact, as a disgruntled office manager in Chillicothe, Ohio, opened fire on his workplace.

Total count, four dead, three injured before he was taken down by police. Let's get into the brass tacks here, Chip. This is another big win for the AR-15 this year. You know, we saw Omar Mateen in Orlando bring it to the mainstream, and I think you're really going to start seeing it become a big part of the game moving forward. I got to tell you, the kill-to-fire ratio here is a little low, but you got to admire the hustle on this guy. I mean, he was able to pump fake around the waiting

period, he had great coverage on all the exit doors, and it took the cops seven hours to take him down. Oh, absolutely, Chip, but a season where most players have been shooting themselves, you gotta love the follow-through of somebody who leaves 110% on the field and 80% of their brain matter on the copier. Right you are, old buddy.

Let's check in with DPFSAS, our Twitter feed sponsored by Disney. Pixar's Finding Dory in theaters now. Taking your family to the movies is inherently a one in five risk of having them mowed down by gunfire, so why gamble on quality? With an 80% score on Rotten Tomatoes, your kids are guaranteed to be laughing until they're not. User MansonFan666 says, quote, You guys are dorks. Where can I get an Uzi?

Well, I don't care for the sass, their smart mouth, but it's nice to see the young people still getting interested in the game, Chip. Very true. For all you aspiring stars of tomorrow, there's a great farm team system in place. If you want to be great, you'll spend a few years herding small animals. Chip a page off the manifesto here, use the Freedom of Information Act to get blueprints to your school there. And next thing you know, you could be famous for making them all pay.

Who knows? You could be the next James Holmes. Now it's time for Kill of the Week. Brought to you by Tostino's Pizza Roll. Moms, give your kids Tostino's. They come in three flavors. Microwave hotter than a spent cartridge in two minutes. And they'll give your kids the get up and go.

They'll need to outrun the sketchy anime Club kid when he figures out how to build A pipe bomb this one's a real doozy this was Sent in by super fan Tyler Dawson Let's take a look at the footage okay So like I'm outside the girls locker room And nobody will fuck me So I'm gonna go all Deadpool on him

What's up sluts Unbelievable work and from an amateur, no less. Tyler Dawson's whereabouts are currently unknown, but we're sending a Kill of the Week t-shirt to the family of all 11 victims, and we'll hold on to one for you here in the studio as well. Well, that's it for today's episode, everybody. I'm Chip Porter. Please join us next week as we prostrate ourselves

before the gleaming metal phallus of an angry American god. This is Rusty Featherton reminding you that this nation is truly damned to drown in blood, and we'll be here with all the highlights. All right, everybody, the Mean Boys podcast returns with a round of our favorite game to close out the show. As we always do, let's play Witch of the Following. Whoop, whoop. Play Witch of the Following. All right. This week we have another fancy minute round.

Thank you guys for sending those in. Please continue to send them in. We've got a couple on deck for the next couple weeks. But I really only have one good idea for a game that I could write. So let's frankly just don't make me do Guy Fieri restaurant menu items just yet. I would like to save that for episode 50. But, yeah, we got another round from a listener. He's at a bleeding God on Twitter.

Of course he is. He has informed me to tell people that his real name is Joel. So thank you, Joel. Joel! Praise Joel. Carnock and Joel go way back. Joel's my N-word. College buddies.

Even Karnak has limits. Oh, and yeah, we do have another listener threatening to send in a Karnak impression. So if you're listening, do it, do it, pussy. Come at me, fuckface! Threatening is the perfect verb for that. Well, we have- Here's the thing. I'm starting to take these promises with a grain of salt.

Because we had a listener in the very early days who was going to send in some Mean Boys yaoi, and my fucking body remains undesecrated. What the fuck? I would love Mean Boys yaoi. Yeah, if anybody wants to write erotic fan fiction of Mean Boys. Or create some erotic realities and come in a picture of Ramsey. Let's play.

Yeah. Number one, which of the following is not a real Marvel character? A, Stilt Man. B, Asbestos-Man, C, Zarina, or D, Fancy Dan. I can see Asbestos-Man being deep. Like, I thought I was saving the children, but I was killing them all along. Fancy Dan sounds like an old-timey euphemism for the gay community. Oh, dude, yeah. One of those Fancy Dans coming around. He's a friend of Dorothyism for the gay community. Oh, dude, yeah. Oh, one of those fancy Dan's coming around here.

He's a friend of Dorothy. He's 43 and he's still living alone. Do you think he's a fancy Dan? No, Joel's just particular. Sometimes I think I'm a fancy Dan who just fell through a temporal rift and now I'm here in a basement. And I should be in the 1910s wearing a waistcoat and pretending to fuck my wife. You frankly should be the secretary for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Just all your fucking proclamations of doom and your eloquence.

It's like you need to apply those. Where else are other skills appropriate except for an old-timey fucking literature superhero league? Just a villain on a blimp. That's how Joe should be. I think Fancy Dan is fake because it sounds just like a really lazy villain. He fights Fancy Dan this week.

Whatever. It's just the fact. One of those Jews that their hands got tired of doing the Superman ass and was like, all right, dude, fucking, I don't know,

a guy in a suit. I think Zarina is fake. The commies have fags by his Fancy Dan this week. The fake one is Zarina. Blah, blah. Metal. All right, question number two.

Which of the following is not a real Marvel character? A, Agent Cheesecake. B, Man-Elephant. We know that one's real. Obviously, he's right here. C, Agent Cheesecake. I don't know why I thought that one and not the even more obvious one. Doesn't have an ancient cheesecake.

C, fat with a PH. No, it's literally, yeah. Or D, Tiger Man. I was going to say these are all about me, but I don't think I'm Tiger Man. Well, maybe like one of those sad zoo tigers that they have to show tiger porn so it'll fuck the other tigers. I'm horny, but I'm too fat to get it done. Hey, kids, let's go look at a defeated cat. Calvin and Throbs.

Bro, my joints. The wagon wheel's broke. Can we please do an arthritic tiger sketch? Okay, make sure you put the activia on his carcass so he can fucking shit it out. an arthritic tiger sketch okay make sure you put the activia on his carcass so he can fucking shit it out oh christ Tiger Man I believe is real

I'm going to say Agent Cheesecake which one's fake Keith give me C again fat with a PH I'm going to say Agent Cheesecake as well the fake one is Tiger Man. I thought Tiger Man

was real. Hells bells. All right. Question number three, which of the following is not a real Marvel character? A, Disco Demon. B, Pretty Boy.

Now they're all about Joe. C, You Go Girl. Or he fucked up. D, Fancy Dan again. Is it like U-Go-Girl? Like H-U-G-O-Girl? U,

the letter U hyphen go space girl. Oh, I kind of, I don't know. That better not be real. My way's better. That sounds like

some awful mid-90s Marvel bullshit. Ah, comics stink. It's okay. Just holographic midriff. I think that one's the fake one. I think Yugo Girl is the fake one.

Yugo Girl sounds like someone who has the body type of George R.R. Martin and wears anime shirts trying to write a female character. And beating off mid-writing of this article. To me, it sounds like a really manufactured K-pop star. You look like a dipper dude! Like the lady sovereign of K-pop. My mom's in North Korea. She can't come back. They call her Agent Cheesecake.

Did you guys guess already? I'm going to say You Go Girl. Okay, the fake one is Disco Demon. You Go Girl is real. Oh, shucks. Bitch. But good news, Keith. You have something to jerk off to when you get home? Sure do. Disco Demon. You grow girls real. Shucks. Bitch. But good news, Keith. You have something to jerk off to when you get home?

Sure do. Disco Demon. I summon the Disco Demon. The inferno never dies. All shall boogie. I've got the fever and I'm spreading it to your crops. All right. Number four. Which of the following is not a real Marvel character?

A, Fifi the Duck, B, Dr. Bong, C, Pro Pro 5 and 0, or D, the Gin Genie? I think Joe recently won his battle with the Gin Genie. Yeah, Marvel Cinematic Universe. What was C again? Popo, and then it's 5-0. Popo 5-0? Yeah. Okay.

Popo 5-0. That's way too current. You'd be surprised how long comics have been dumb. What's the first one again? Program to destroy the... Fifi the Duck. Program to destroy the Negroifi the Duck. Program to destroy the Negroids. Negroedron.

I'm going to say Popo 5-0 and be just wishful. I'll say Fifi the Duck. The fake one is Popo 5-0. Yay! On the board. Okay, guys. Number five.

All real or all fake? A. Nat Man. B. Tar Baby. C, Gwenpool, or D, Daddy Longlegs? They're all real. Joe? That's dispiriting. Is Gwenpool like Deadpool's girlfriend or something? It's Gwen Stacy from Spider-Man who somehow ends up Deadpool because Marvel is way the fuck out of ideas.

Why? I know. It's like, what if we made some new heroes? Like, nah, throw us abroad now. No, just, yeah, just fucking, I don't know, put the mass people like on tits and it'll be great. I so don't get comic books. I hate to be, I hate the thing that's popular that makes me special guy. But I don't get it as well.

Well, one time I was talking to Joe about comic books and he's like, yeah, I just don't like comic books. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, I mean, I like, like, I was just telling him comic books I liked, and then he was just not even trying to get him to like them. And he's still just like, no, they're bad. You're dumb. I hate them. You don't have to like them. There's way more bullshitty comics than there are good comics.

Yeah, okay. You know. So, yeah. Well, I'm glad I started a podcast with two bullshitty comics. Shrek. Way more in this room. Huddle, huddle. All right, guys.

We've got some fan-submitted Mexican joke-offs here, and we were going to read them in the actual segment, but we didn't want to completely derail

enthusiasm and faith in God. We were busy being funny, so let's do this bullshit. Here we go. From Twitter, add the Daily Roast. Comedy story writers

showcased Roast Battle, premiered on Comedy Central last week. Keith Carey celebrated by starting his own Roast Battle when he pushed a woman over in line for prime room at the Bakersfield Golden Corral. Needs more words. Yeah. We did that already.

It's like, and it's also like, dude, we covered it. All right? Yeah, Keith's not on TV and he's very fat. These are like the fucking... Hey, I was kind of on TV. This is the bottom of the food pyramid of this podcast. I like to think Snapchat is the TV of the of the future you said that to me so many times and every time it hurts more all right and these uh these are from ryan colby uh follow him on twitter at ryan

colby 1984 who is the teacher's pet of the mean boys podcast yeah we love you and also get a job. Or medical help. Either or. So he sent us four. I'll read this one. The Newark County Landfill just recently announced a mail-in-your-sharps-for-free program. Keith Carey's mother was overheard saying, finally I have a safe way to depose of all these piles of needles. Not even a joke, really.

That's just mean. Why would you say that to a person you don't know? I like that now we have human decency. What is this? Yeah. Boo, Ryan Colby. All right, well, let's go for a change of pace. We got another Ryan Colby joke here.

This week, many phone-packing Pokemon Go loving tweens have been spotted loitering about Keith Carey's apartment. One question as to why they all replied, they all... He was a Snorlax, basically. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, you are reading these jokes as to why they all replied. He was a Snorlax, basically. To be fair,

you are reading these jokes like you have a mouth full of Oxycontin right now. But also, they're terrible. Here's the problem. He's a Snorlax, basically. You get it. Hey, Ryan, that got a thousand percent more of a laugh than what you wrote was going to get. Here's the thing.

I'm the only one. I do all the emails and shit, but I can also read out loud with the ability of, like, a sixth grader. We could have easily done this for you. No, no, I'm going to do it. All right, this one's really long, and I can barely read.

God, if we stopped. Hey. BBC News reports that this week in Germany, a radicalized lone wolf terrorist stabbed seven people, wounding them badly. I'm hoping that a lone elephant terrorist trampled several people at the republican national convention this week also how do wolves hold knives uh ryan so first of all the joke was terrible second of all i really enjoy that you said lone wolf terrorist i'm just making sure

i made me at the bridge motherf, inspiring fear at the seating. Oh, we're thinking two very different warps. We went Star Trek, you went like a fisherman's warp. It could be both. Captain Warp. He also asks us who our favorite roast battle judge is. I'm going to say Mike Lawrence. Mike Lawrence.

Very, very good. So, yeah yeah there you go that that that brought me no joy yeah uh audio trump guys keep sending them in if you want to send us that car knock impression buddy uh yeah feel free to send us i really am excited about the car the car knock oh yeah that'll be fun if you want to send us some uh some mean boys fucking uh fan uh shit you know yeah whatever we'll pretty much put it on air indiscriminately, as you can tell from the previous segment. But yeah, I think that's the show, guys. You got anything we want to plug here?

Fucking maybe. All right. Tomorrow night, Wednesday, August 10th, I'll be at the Ontario Improv with Keith, Keith Ekins. Thursday, I'll be at Big Money at the Virgil. Friday, I'll be at the West Side Comedy Theater at 8. And Saturday, I'll be at the Madhouse in San Diego for two shows. I think I might have to be gone

next week. We might have to bring Tom in so everyone fucking rejoiced preemptively. Because next week, in case I don't get a chance to read these quote-unquote tour dates, Sunday the 14th, I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline. The day after that, I'll be at the 101 Bar and Grill in Harbor, Oregon.

Wednesday, August 17th, I'll be at the 101 Bar and Grill in Harbor, Oregon. Wednesday, August 17th, I'll be at the Wind River Casino in Redding, California. And then Thursday through Saturday, I will be headlining Joker's Comedy Club in Richland, Washington. So if you live in eastern Washington, stop lying and pretending like you've got better shit to do. You can watch me make fun of your horrible town.

Tomorrow, I will be at the Ontario Improv with Connor. Thursday through Saturday, I'll be at Mother Mary's in Fresno. Thursday, the 18th, I'll be at the Ontario Improv with Connor Thursday through Saturday I'll be at Mother Mary's in Fresno Thursday the 18th I'll be at the downtown Santa Ana Underground in Santa Ana, California and Sunday August 21st I will be at Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction at the Virgil right here in Los Angeles

come check that out very cool, on the 16th next week I will be doing a spot before Roast Battle at the Comedy Store and the 19th and 20th I will be headlining the Pioneer Underground in Reno, Nevada that should be a good time, Nevada people get out there you can get tickets on some website

I'm going to be there with Punky Johnson who is my favorite comedian in the world, so check it out yes, and maybe a sincere moment of thanks, we've been just the last month we've been getting so many great tweets and emails it's really nothing I've, like month, we've been getting so many fucking great tweets and emails.

Yeah. We really have. It's been nice. Like really nothing I've ever done means more to me than you idiots. You wouldn't know that from the content

of today's show, but it actually warmed our hearts. Yeah, we are savagely cruel because we have license to do so because you all love us.

Yeah, it was, it's so great. So thank you very much, everybody. Yeah. But by the same token, fuck everything. God is dead.

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who came out to see us in Harvell's on Long Beach. A ton of Mean Boys fans came out there and we roasted the audience in that.

There were only four of them, but a ton just combined weight. It felt like a lot. We went by mass, yeah. Yeah, we each draw four thirds of a person.

Wow, huzzah. Oh yeah, and watch that video on the Mean Boys YouTube channel. You can watch the three of us give a good razzing to old Long Beach. Oh, God, all the fucking Vans assistant managers really got their wagons fixed.

Hey, they get stock options, Joe. A little respect. I'm going to sell these Spicoli shoes now. All right. You guys want to do it on three? One, two, three. Fuck everything. Fuck everything. Joe is fired. One, two, three. Fuck everything. Fuck everything.

Joe is fired. Can't do nothing right. Fuck everything. God is dead. Fuck your mothers with a rake. And don't feel good. Scab-da-bap-dab-dab. Bye.