Mean Boys - EP 3 - Snake Alley

Episode Date: January 8, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week the boys square off in "Mexican Joke Off", guess "Which of the Following" is not a real Lil Wayne lyric, debate guns in "Devil's Advocate" and share some "Memories". This week's sponsor is Dr. Mortaro. Email the show at [e-mail] and follow us on Twitter @meanboyspodcast http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy New Year, America, and welcome to Fabulous 1946. The Mean Boys radio program is brought to you by Jap Guard Internment Services. Nips in your yard? Call Jap Guard. And by Lucky Strike Cigarettes, the only cigarette with real tar, baby. On this fabulous brisk day, we celebrate the anniversary of VJ Day, victory over the sneaky Japanese. But don't you worry, John Q. America. Those internment camps aren't closed

yet. Just an innocent dentist, huh? You won't have too many teeth to fix chewing on that gruel we're feeding you, Tojo. And the Susquehanna Oven Company unveiled today the new Microwave Oven, which cooks your food through the power of radiation. That's right, Jane K. Citizen.

Put your face right next to it to improve your complexion and glow. Makes wives pretty? Turns communist cities to ash? What can't radiation do? General Douglas MacArthur has advocated an immediate and aggressive invasion of the nation of Korea.

The Joint Chiefs of Staff advise caution and respect to the reasonable and level-headed Kim Il-sung dynasty. The host of the Mean Boys are the insatiable Joe Dosh, Keith Carrion, Conor McSpadden. They're a real Enola Gay, Fat Man, and Little Boy, but even more heroic.

I hear that Joe Dosh is a real friend of Dorothy, and that Keith Carey has one leg in Snake Alley as well. The Mean Boys radio program, 50% fruit, 100% cunt. You know, before we started recording, I described Keith Carey as looking like a rain barrel full of heavy cream. And I wanted to make sure we got it on the air,

but the magic was gone, and I know that. But I just had to get it out. You said one funny thing for the night, and you had to double back to make sure it ended up. They said we couldn't make it to episode three. They still might be right. This is the Mean Boys podcast. This one goes out

to all the teachers who said I wasn't going to amount to nothing. It's good to be back in the friendship bunker. We're all trying to think of more lyrics to that but we all really shit the bed

there mentally, didn't we? We all just remembered how white we were. This one's for all the I forgot I was white. For all the Hey, I know a Wu-Tang song. Please don't hurt me.

If you don't know Oh, wait, no. Can't say that part. If you don't know... Oh, no, can't say that part. If you don't know, that's fine. Everybody has different privilege. This is what OC improv groups sound like. Stumbling over shitty hip-hop lyrics. Yes, and that's okay.

Ramsey liked that you dead-eyed fuck. Don't look at me like that. That Ramsey liked it. I've never seen Connor madder in a person than he is at Ramsey right now. Yeah, if you can squeeze some joy out of his bitter camel's hump,

it really is a testament to my grumpy mood. I gotta load up before I cross the desert of positivity. That's our new segment, the desert of positivity. We have to compliment

each other three times without vomiting. We have a bucket in the center of the table. We just smile at Joe until he turns into a pile of dust is there really anything better than spreading negativity through positivity you know what I mean

it's like hot butter in a fucking English muffin it's great when someone's just having a wretched day just go up to them and go you know what I'm not going to let your darkness put out my light and you know they just want to jab a fucking shiv in your temple. Tastes so good.

Next week on Joe paraphrases Colin Quinn's Twitter. All right, guys, we're all cunted up and ready to go. I think it's time to get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. All right, I'll start us off. Okie dokie. A Turkish workshop has employed enslaved Syrian youths to make fake life jackets that absorb water and drown the wearer. This technology was ordered by their new commander, Shabbir al-Waali-Coyote Muhammad.

Holy shit. Starting strong. Fucking ISIS is just going to wear green bat suits to fly over our border patrol. Just painting up like a sign on the side of a cliff that says freedom and an arrow and you just run into it. They're just going to paint a sign that says San Bernardino on the side of a cliff. That is what San Bernardino is. Anyway. All right.

I got one. A nine year old in Yuba County, California was mauled to death after being left alone in a trailer with three pit bulls. In the dog's defense, the boy was wrapped in a piece of cheese. That's how you get them to take their medicine. Dog facts. A 500-year-old Scottish castle is sinking rapidly into the marsh it is built upon. Officials recommend Keith Carey abandon his residence in the West Wing.

There it is. The first of the evening, ladies and gentlemen. Can I tell you I was in the shower today, and I was literally thinking, any woman who has sex with Keith Carey has to first put in her dia ham. And I giggled for about ten minutes. Before finishing his shampoo, he texted it to me. I really did.

We had a good laugh about it. And then he finished jerking off. He sure did. To me. All right. Police investigation has shown that the New Year's Eve Cologne attackers in Germany were of predominantly migrant origin. Seeing as it was an attack involving Cologne, they were presumably Armenian.

I like it. Sorry. All right. A semi-truck in Illinois accidentally entered a cemetery and destroyed the graves of six military veterans. Government officials are outraged, saying, quote, we didn't even have a chance to piss on those ones yet. Whoa.

This kid's got something to say. Political. Well, I wish I could tell the truth like that, Connor, but I'm too scared. I'll send you guys a postcard from out here on the edge. You know who I don't care for? This George W. Bush fella. I've got a scathing impression of him if you'd like to hear it. That trumps a real turkey if you ask me.

I don't care who hears it. A Kentucky district court ruled that drones can be shot down if flying over private property. Residents are torn as the technology could theoretically be used to deliver Oxycontin. Okay. Archaeologists have found signs of a mass extinction behind a shopping center in New Jersey. Among the remains are dinosaurs, personal hygiene, and culture. That was like a fucking New Yorker cartoon. Dinosaurs and culture.

Look what that is, sir. You want to know why that joke's in there? Because I had five ISIS jokes and I realized I needed to mix it up. You had a class of Uncle Connor's monocle polish. That joke was drier than this martini of the Connecticut McSpatins. You know that's how you would naturally talk if you didn't correct your underbite actively with every fucking syllable. That's true. If I didn't have a fucking Minnesota goofiness, I'm just striite actively with every fucking syllable. That's true.

If I didn't have a fucking Minnesota goofiness, I'm just striving down with every fiber of my being. I described Joe off the air last week as looking like an inbred 14th century French prince. Few things are more accurate. Well, I can't sue you for slanar condor. God, I said slanar condor. Damn it. Slanar condor.

Just move on. One of my favorite speeches is like, the Slenderconder. That's our favorite Pokemon. Straight out of the media. Orange County metal band. Well, the well is dry and that tit is milked. Anyway. All right.

A man in the Eastern European nation of Kyrgyzstan was arrested after comparing the nation's official food, a sausage called chuchuk, to a horse penis. The man was later released and said in a statement to the press, my wife. Oh, dude. The joke is that this country, you know what? I know what the joke is. You know what? I did real good in the earlier ones.

I'm getting my one bomb out of the way, and then I feel like I've got good ones. If you would like to co-host the Mean Boys podcast, email your joke packets to meanboyspodcasts at gmail.com. Aw, shucks, I don't get to take the bus to a basement in Echo Park for free anymore? Please include your body mass index. I'd like everyone to know that Keith Carey took public transportation all the way from Long Beach to Echo Park for a fucking Borat reference. And other things! You need like a sacrament to cleanse your spirit.

Oh my god, Joe, you've accrued enough bomb karma. Oh yeah. Can you back it up? and other things. You need like a sacrament to cleanse your spirit. Anyway. Oh my God, Joe, you've accrued enough bomb karma. Oh yeah. Can you back it up? Nope, not really. But I like this one anyway. A Long Island priest was caught smoking crack cocaine after his sister was decapitated.

The police instructed, say three Hail Marys and duct tape it back on. Holy shit. God damn it. Digging out of the hole. God damn it. Digging out of the hole. Nicely done. You know we can't resist a good fucking religious

figure mutilates a family number one liner, Josh. But enough about Keith's family. A three-year-old Florida child has been ritualistically... Shit.

It's okay. We all make mistakes. We know this ends well. He gets... There's got to be some relief. Kick it, SlyderConnor. Honestly, we all make mistakes. We know this ends well. He gets... There's got to be some relief. Kick it, SlyderConnor. Honestly, we should probably try to like each other's jokes a little more. This is going considerably better than last week.

Yeah, last week's was real. Anyway. A three-year-old Florida child has been ritualistically sacrificed by his mother. The boy's remains were stuffed in a suitcase before being confiscated by authorities on a bus. Jeff Dunham grieved the loss of the chosen puppet Christ and renewed his vow to wreak havoc on the living. How many fucking letters did I switch?

Renewed? You lost me at renew now. Damn it. Can we acknowledge the weird dead kid running theme today? They sure are. And why stop now? A teenage Ohio girl committed suicide

after months of online harassment from classmates about her appearance and Asian heritage. School officials are calling the incident a tragedy and are offering free counseling

to students affected by the untimely death of Ching Chong Pizza Face. Swish. Was that worth going through the Borat Woods for, fuckface? Now you reminded me.

God damn it. Yeah. They both came out of me. I'm a complicated man. You should have blocked the Borat joke out like a fucking repressed molestation. I own my failures. Like your parents. You own your tits.

We get it. Anyway. What was that? Did you mean growling at you? You're sounding like the dog you're closely related to. That wasn't even a growl. That was like a dairy wheeze. That's just the sound of yogurt coagulating.

Oh, no, the milkshakes are backed up. Keith makes acidophilus in his throat. My blood type is soft, sir. Oh, dear. Anyway, center yourself, Joe. North Korea is developing an H-bomb. If successfully detonated, North Korea will be the first nation to possess a thermonuclear device made of old AOL startup disks. I feel like so many of my jokes need to be explained to millennials what things are.

You see, kids, a company called America Online used to send CDs to your house that would have all the internet on them. We all know. Yeah, it wasn't that good of a resource. Well, in the Orange County, you're kind of technologically behind by like five years. There's a line in my act about ILO startups.

I know what they are. We have more money than you in Orange County. We had it before you, fuckface. 17 minors have been rescued in the collapse of a rural elevator shaft. Doctors described Keith's mother's hysterectomy as a disaster. Solid. Solid. Our pussy's a nightmare.

No, it's a rural elevator shaft. It's an urban elevator shaft. She's a big city lady. It's a fucking grain silo. A grown silo. That should be the name of the fucking Mexican joke on this podcast. That should be the name of this podcast. And definitely where we're recording it.

We're moving to Iowa, guys. All right. A Tennessee high school has canceled their basketball season after allegations that a freshman player was raped by other students. It seems that unlike the victim's butthole, this team won't be dribbling for quite a while. Oh, my God. I don't know what I did. I don't hate it.

I don't hate it at all. No, you don't because it's very good. Look. I wouldn't go that far. I wanted to. I'm fighting for credit on these because I don't get it. I liked it, but I don't feel good that I liked it. Keith, I like that joke.

Like, I like the movie The Craft. I enjoy the hell of that while acknowledging that it's shit. I'll take it. That's... A California father alleges that the TSA inappropriately fondled his young daughter during a security pat-down. The TSA agent responded by saying, you've clearly never heard of the Vaginal Lips Bomber.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. saying, you've clearly never heard of the Vaginal Lips Bomber. Will the Mexican joke off end in fire or ice, Robert Frost asks. Well, I'm glad you jumped on that grenade. Not going to lie, I had real high hopes for the Vaginal Lips Bomber joke, everyone. I'm like, oh, the four of these are okay, but I'm really going to sing them with this one. I really did a good about Shabir Alwily, Coyote Muhammad, and the hysterectomy, so I put those at the beginning and at the end. Mine went exactly how I thought it would. Everything was fine except for Bo Ratt.

All right, well, you know what? The important thing is we did better than last week. We sure did. Hey. Which brings us into our next segment. Time to play Witch of the Following. Oh, boy. Which of the following Oh boy Alright this week We're doing

Lil Wayne lyrics So gentlemen Which of the following Is not a real Lil Wayne lyric A Pull out the AK And pop you

In the funny bone B My chain Comma toucan Sam C And when I'm at the bottom, she Hillary Rodham. Or D, built a house to fuck in, bone structure. First of all, I'd like to know what sex act Hillary Rodham describes,

because I do believe that's real, Keith. Yeah, that's got to be real. Oh, I don't even know. It's like, you know how like necrophiles, like people who are into necrophiles, they'll, like, have the person they're fucking, like, lay in a tub of ice and then just sit there motionless? I would think that's what a Hillary Rodham is.

People do that, you know. I like that you say, you know how we all know this? You know this is common information about fucking the dead? We're all learned men, Keith. You know. Well, we have a few drinks, we find a boy who looked nice as a corpse, and we have a wacky Tuesday. I am leaning toward...

I don't have drinks anymore. That's true. This sober corpse fucking... This is the weirdest way anyone's ever bragged about their sobriety. Usually it's like, well, I lost so much weight when I cut out beer, and now it's like, well, look, I'm sober enough to learn about necrophile bodies. So like Google instead of beer. This week's share at the meeting got a little weird. I'm sober enough to learn about necrophile. So like Google instead of beer. My week this week share. I'm eating got a little weird.

Never mind. Okay. I'm going to go with. I'm going to go with Paul D.A.K. and Poppy and the Funny Bone. That sounds like that sounds like a rap lyric you wrote in earnest in junior high. I'm going to I'm going to go with D. Built a house to fuck in bone structure. The'm gonna go with d built a house to fuck in bone structure

the fake lil wayne lyric is built a house oh boy bone structure question number two a got 10 bathrooms i can shit all day b fucking pussy like a cat dick stuck in the middle With a little cat dick See When I was five My favorite movie Was The Gremlins

It's It's It's tremendously significant That it's The Gremlins That's like when old people say I'm gonna look it up On the Google

Watch one of those Star Wars Sidebar You know what's Fucking batshit crazy Lil Wayne is 33 Doesn't he seem like he's 50 he's only 33 33 oh man he looks up he looks like he's never not existed yeah

d stand on my tools you can call me paul bunyan uh well i i so like i want to believe in the beauty of humanity so i hope fucking pussy like a cat dick is real. I think the gremlins, I think you're right. I think that means it's probably real. I'm going to go with Stan and my tools call me Paul Bunyan. I'm going to go with got 10 bathrooms I can shit all day. I hope that's real too. The fake Lil Wayne lyric is fucking pussy like a

cat dick. We all agree I should sell that line to Lil Wayne. You know what? As loath as I am to give praise on the Mean Boys podcast, bravo. Bravo. Yeah, I didn't for a second think that one was... Oh, okay.

Number three. A. Fucking with the greatest. Condoms on my trophies. B. Used or new. Or maybe in the ocean, swimming with the pigeons.

C. Toss you like a fruit salad. Strawberry grape you. D. I be shitting on you boys. I need an Alka-Seltzer sandwich. This is like a Detroit E.E. Cummings poem. E.E. coming on your girl. E.E. coming to your block.

There it is. The smartest thing i said the whole podcast anyway um next to that time you didn't say anything sniper fire one shot one kill i keep oh my goodness um um which is not i got it swimming with the i think i really do believe Lil Wayne believes pigeons swim. So I believe that's true. How come I find somebody in my pool? Like, I think Lil Wayne knows what condoms are in the sense that he knows what a Minotaur is. So I'm going to say A.

Fuck all the greatest condoms in my journey. Like, I think they was real, but I don't know. I mean, they might have been real one time. I am going to agree with Joe on this. I'm going to say it's A. Fuck all the greatest condoms on my trophies. The fake Lil Wayne lyric is, fuck all the greatest condoms on my trophies. What?

Hey. And I stand by my reasoning on that, too. Look, I'll always have fucking pussy like a cat dick. He's got to have like 34 illegitimate children if he's 33. Yeah. Number four. A. It's a leap year.

It go down like Frasier. I ain't talking Kelsey Grammer. B. Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Oh, God. C. Can't fuck with me. Unrapeable.

Or D. Shorty badder than a three-year-old. Again, most of my decision is based on what I want to be true. I don't want to believe that Lil Wayne's a Frasier fan. So I'm going to say that's true. I'm going to say shorty better than a three-year-old. I'm going to say swagger tighter than a yeast infection. The fake Lil Wayne lyric is, can't fuck with me, unrape with a bitch.

All right, and the final round. Always bet on rape. I think you guys each have two points. I guess not. I think that really does reek of McSpadden basicness. Yeah. Actually, it's two to one. Keith is winning.

I can maybe tie her up. Okay. All right. Number five. The round is all real or all fake. A, gas in the tank like I'm farting in the army. B, eat her like a fruit roll roll up till some fruits roll up c fucked her up couldn't calm her down d don't trip check your laces okay if either like a fruit roll up till some fruits roll up that's like a fucking private eye line so yeah

roll out to some fruits. Roll up. You have the Kaiser. What for? That's the thing about Lil Wayne. Bunch of Nancys. He butchers vernacular from all time periods. He's a Frasier fan, as we've already established. Fucked her up.

Couldn't calm her down. It's just disturbing. I'm going to say they're all fake. Oh, no. This is which one is not real, right? No all fake i'm gonna say i'll fake yeah i'll fake you guys did it yeah all right take it away keith carry good game boys where am i taking it oh you just you just won oh yeah where are you going now you're you're you're i don't know probably you know back to this chair get yelled at for 40 minutes you're You're ahead of me. I'm winning the thing.

All right, well, that was a good first commercial pre- I don't know what the fuck they're called. Mean Boys Podcast. Welcome to show-do-thing-go-sound-words. I totally felt the spirit of what you were saying. I do, but I do. That was a great first block. We're gonna go to a commercial break. Yes, exactly. Hello, folks.

Dr. Edgar Martaro of Martaro's Baby Coffins. I know what you all are thinking, aggrieved parent. Dr. Martaro, I do so wish to bury my child's bones in the family catacombs, but it takes so very long for the flesh to slough off his remains. Sounds like you need a tube of Dr. Martaro's patented flesh sloughener. One topical application to the body of your deceased son,

and his putrescent flesh will slide off his skeleton like a meat off a cone at a Greek restaurant. But burial in your family catacombs needn't be the only use for your child's skeleton. After all, variety is the spice of... death? Aha! Yes, we at Motaro's Baby Coffins, for the low price of $149.95, will use your child's skeleton as the foundation to create a delightful ventriloquist dummy. In fact, I think this little guy is feeling a song coming on right now. Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal. Send me a kiss by wire before I reach the cremation pyre.

If you exhume me you'll have to entomb me Then I'll be at last interred I died too prematurely to have any final words Dr. Motaro's baby coffins Located at the corner of Hennepin and the mob of weeping mothers Cursing our existence And we're back. Just a couple of clerical things

to get out of the way. If you have any questions for us, if you need any advice in your personal life or you want the guidance of us on anything and everything, please drop us a line at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com.

We'd love to hear from you. Read your answers on the show. And please follow us on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. Please rate and subscribe on iTunes. It really helps us out. We're going to hear from you. Read your answers on the show. And please follow us on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. Please rate and subscribe on iTunes. It really helps us out. We're going to be moving into a new segment. This time it's the emotional dunk tank.

Yay. I was waiting for a jingle and then I realized it'll probably go in later. Yeah, no, I haven't made it yet. Do you want to explain what the emotional dunk tank is for people who don't know? Yeah, we're going to take a public figure and put them in the emotional dunk tank. Just shit on them a little bit. Give them the business. The old, how's your sister, fuck your mother.

Poorly. Pretty sneaky, I, sis. Didn't you do that last week? Probably. Oh, God damn it. Oh, God. All right, this week, Bernie Sanders steps into the hot seat. Probably would have been a better name for the segment, the hot seat.

By the way, I wanted to say you're going to run out of material so bad when ISIS, like we finally defeat them, but that's never going to happen. So hooray for you. They're going to splinter into a whole other group of hilarious factions. I can't wait until the three of us all try and use Ramsey as the same human shield. They're going to play the flute while the world burns around them. Yeah. On top of a pile of clitorises.

Clitori. Anyway. That's what they do. Welcome to Clitoris Mountain. We're brought to you by the avocado clit scooper. Shuck that clam. We just lost all of our non-existent female listeners. So Bernie Sanders, everybody.

He ain't got a clit. Those ladies are feeling the burn. Oh, God damn it. So one thing I like about Bernie Sanders is Bernie's from Brooklyn originally, so his childhood home is now a soup plantation with a bum corpse in front of it. So one thing I like about Bernie Sanders is Bernie's from Brooklyn originally, so his childhood home is now a soup plantation with a bum corpse in front of it. I don't understand how Bernie Sanders looks like the most Jewish person and the world's biggest anti-Semite at the same time. Bernie really answers the question, what if a corned beef sandwich got Medicare?

Yeah, Bernie's actually been compared to Larry David, but Larry David could win an election. Bernie looks like his plan for the economy is to send every U.S. citizen a check for $14 on their birthday. I like that one. Yeah, actually, he's made some news about the president of Iran, said of Bernie Sanders. I still don't believe the Holocaust happened, but he makes me wish it did. Actually, the big difference between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump is Trump doesn't need Goldman Sachs money to be president. Bernie Sanders' foreign policies are a lot like his knees.

They might have been strong in the 80s, but they'll have a hard time standing up today. And that's from Keith. The authority on rickety knees. My knees are made of flubber. Also a fake blues singer from a couple weeks back. Rickety knees. my knees are made of flubber also a fake blues singer from a couple weeks back Britney Nees you see that new the new Gallup poll came out

and it has Bernie closing the gap between him and front runner Hillary Clinton which is good because this is the first time Bernie has fucked something with a pole since the 80s

I liked it god fucking we are going in on the dead kids and necrophilia this week we really are yeah like how we're just calling old Jewish

sex necrophilia necrophilia. Necrophilia is hot out the gate and cold in the sheets. I don't deserve that laughter. I reject it. We're just all full of good cheer. Did we have, like, spiked eggnog before this show?

I'm feeling giggly today. I really am. Chuckles McGee. A rare truce amongst the mean boys. Well, that was emotional dunk tank. Alright, I think we're going to move on to Devil's Advocate. Okay. Here's my thing with Devil's Advocate. This is something I'm...

I enjoy bringing this up in Los Angeles a lot because I really do get off on just the rage it just engenders out of people. But guns, they're fun. They're really, really, really fun. And I wish people would.

I really think we could actually heal this country and bring a lot of good if these fucking whiny blue state self-involved people would realize that. They're like, oh, you just want to keep guns just because they're fun? Yes. That's not a just. They're a really, really good time. I mean, did you guys, I mean, because I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I don't, I never know if, like, people who grew up, like, near urban areas feel this way at all. My experience is that guns have been less fun than yours, probably.

Your experience with life has been less fun with mine. Yeah, your experience with, like, atoms fun with mine your experience with like Adams no I mean like yeah guns and mothers and trans fats are all lower than the average human being guns and mothers and trans fats

from the wizard of oz A-W-W-W-S anyway mothers and trans fats. From the Wizard of Oz. A-W-W-W-S. But at any rate, I mean, I don't know. Is this the part where a room full of white people is going to talk about guns? We're not the ones getting shot at. Well, no. Yes, we are.

Well, any shot that's... Yeah, afterwards. Any shot that's fired is technically kind of towards keith just by volume yeah by orbit oh good like if you're like like if you're shooting randomly into the ether you're more likely to hit keith than the average person yeah yeah yeah what i saw someone tweet and this was you know i don't i can't attribute it but it me. He was like, this is definitely the most people that have died to preserve somebody's hobby. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're like, but still, great hobby. That's not my point. My point is they're very, very fun. I shot a gun at a watermelon in Bakersfield, and I got to tell you, if you're looking for a better time than that, it's going to be a while. So let them be fun. I mean, you can go to a shooting range. You can shoot shit there.

I mean, well, see, here's the thing. Like, I think going to a shooting range, like, in Burbank is fucking creepy and weird. But it's weird. Like, I remember when I was a kid, like, I was really, like, I was a closet little gay kid. And I didn't have a lot of friends. And, like, when I would go out into the woods unsupervised with other, like, 13-year-olds just to shoot guns willy-nilly, my parents were like, oh, my God, this is a positive growing thing. And, like, I remember one time when we finally like actually got like beer and

booze out there my parents were like oh i don't know these these delightful firearm retreats joe's going on have alcohol in the mix i don't know if he can go on it anymore like that's just how the middle of this country thinks yeah well like you said if you go to if we go to shoot guns in burbank it's like dude the fucking the getty's right there you know go do something no one's gonna rob no one's gonna rob you in burbank no one's like, dude, the fucking, the Getty's right there. Go do something. No one's gonna rob you in Burbank. No one's gonna steal your fucking Yogurtland card. Yeah, there should be

some kind of equation. Like, if there's only one Starbucks per every 10,000 people in your area code, you can shoot guns. I'll take that. I think that's more than fair. Yeah. That's what Bernie Sanders ought to propose. Yeah, yeah, but you know, Hammett, it's like, eh, no, you're not quite checking.

Yeah, you guys can have guns. First of all, you're probably going to need them. Second of all, you're bored. Yeah, what else are you going to do? Kids take hunter safety courses at 10 years old in my hometown. 10 years old, you learn how to shoot guns. Yet Joe has still not been educated on hunter safety. All right, I'm going to leave.

Kids would, like, take their rifles into, like, there'd be kids with, like, rifles in the back of the pickup trucks like the Duke of Hazzard in my school, and just nobody gave a shit. Wow. I mean, like, on the one hand, that kind of makes me feel good that it wasn't a problem, you know? Yeah.

I never knew a kid with a gun. I knew a lot of kids with swords. I don't... Of course you did. I think everybody had at least one friend who was the sword kid, and you go over and he just lived with his grandma for some reason. He knew it was bad. If you walked into a random apartment in Los Angeles today

and you saw a sword or a gun on the wall, which would creep you out more? Oh, gun. Sword, I would be like, I probably know this guy already. Yeah, sword guy also has the gun. He's just going to use it for worse things. Dude, I'm just waiting for the first school chopping. Like, some guy shows up with a weird samurai sword. That happened in Irvine.

Somebody went to a grocery store with a samurai sword and killed, like, five people. I don't like how you... Here's the thing. Even though it's Irvine and that's an Asian weapon, you know that was a white dude that's been... And you want to believe he was at least going through some sort of, like, big mental breakdown. But, you know, his last thought was like, I'm like Deadpool. And then you fucking killed my police. That was a white dude with khakis with a Thai wife who commits sword atrocities.

I don't like how you two are sword atrocities. Sword atrocities are hoping for Slender Condor. Yeah, you're doing like all that weird like fucking one hour crime drama math. Like, all right, well on the uh the tang of this sword this guy probably had a man bun he was in the lincoln park and uh his feet had a lot of funyuns all right we're looking for big funyun consumers in this area code get the financial records of every fucking talkies emporium and then here we need we want to create a database for everyone who thinks that magic gathering hasn't been saved in the last recent edition

but you guys are i used to play that shit, I gotta admit. I tried. I couldn't do it. I was, for a good time, in the top, like, in the way top, top, top Yu-Gi-Oh! Online players. Really? I would beat Asian kids at fucking Yu-Gi-Oh!

Asian? Real Asians? Real live Asians. I remember when I would hang out at the comic book courts with me and all the other Magic the Gathering kids. Like, we used to just be relentlessly terrible to the Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! kids because they were the fags, you know?

Yeah, well, Yu-Gi-Oh! used to be good. Honestly, I've looked at the game now just for funsies, and it's just, they've ruined it, but Magic, from what I understand, stays pretty evergreen, balanced, and fun. Oh, I disagree. No, maybe, I don't know. Okay, everyone deserves to turn this podcast off right now.

What have we done? That was devil's advocate, everybody. This is everyone deserves to turn this podcast off right now. What have we done? That was devil's advocate. This is my second moment of clarity. Thanks for sticking with it, guys. Yeah, okay, enough of that. God. I didn't like how you guys all got all fucking blogger nervous during that whole second.

Killing it with Ramsey over here. Get a periscope on our producer. Everyone. I'm crushing it with him. Yeah. No, you're right. Yeah. I mean, everybody can have guns.

I also did. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Remember when I made fun of a little girl who killed herself earlier in the show? Oh, yeah, that's true. That's how they get in your head. I don't need you getting all squirrely on me.

Anyway. Mean Boys is back. It's our final segment of this episode. Thank you for listening. I don't know if we said it already, but thanks again. It means a lot to us. We work hard on the show. Please subscribe.

We sure do. Tell your friends if you're so inclined. I think we're going to leave. I like NPR, Connor. This is nice. Guys, we're going to be talking to the family that invented cufflinks. Today on Mean Boys, a review of Terry Gross's. They'll make a woman who makes dildos out of honeycombs.

They've stung her cunt. That was a low-hanging fruit. That was a fucking overripe peach. Yeah, that's what they let her cunt was. So tell us about stickydickies.com. You just said that to subvert a fat joke against yourself.

That was a defensive joke. Every compliment Keith gives is a non-aggression pact towards a fat joke. This is how gives is a non-aggression pact towards a fat joke. This is how I survived, man. You're the fucking Czechoslovakia of fat jokes. This is how I survived out in the fucking Mad Max wasteland. All right.

Well, we snuck in a few Keith fat zingers for our official goodbye. We need to inevitably start releasing tie-in promotional products. The Keith fat zingers are going to be delicious like mozzarella cheese jalapeno poppers. The picture of me in the chef's hat winking. It's an abomination. All right, so I think me and Keith have a dual memory to share. Oh, great. About four years ago, Keith twisted his ankle wrestling our friend Nathan.

I broke that ankle. You broke your ankle, yeah. I broke real bad. And he needed a ride to the hospital, so he, like anybody with no friends, just posted on Facebook, Hey, do help, you know. And for some reason, we didn't even know each other that well. I was like, yeah, I'll do it. I'm not doing anything today.

I'm 19 with nothing going on. I didn't think you were going to show up. I was like, all right, well, I'll keep looking. Yeah, I showed up. He's sitting on the stoop of his. My mom's house in San Pedro. Just looking just the Charlie Browniest. Yeah.

And I was broken foot. And I was like, hey, can I go? Can I go inside and use your bathroom? You block belly. Did I have to tell you? No. And you were like uh if you have to and i was like okay so i walk in and there's the most racist man i've ever seen just like like

that's not even the most racist man my mom is fucked here's the thing he was quiet but like somehow he was still yelling at the television right oh yeah just with his just you could feel his mind like i could just feel like just like like like aquaman like signal waves of negativity coming out of his head and uh yeah it's complete shit pilehouse and i i i've you know a low we haul you into the car somehow just you're hopping on one leg and just giving yourself giving your good leg a shin splint yeah and i don't have a crutch or anything i'm like ballerina hopping yeah yeah uh we get him to the hospital and and it's like we there's no parking it's packed it's like the fucking you know the cheap clinic in long

beach and we're like how are we gonna you can't we literally physically cannot ballerina hop all the way to the front door then i look in connor's back seat uh and he has a pile of larp weapons uh which everybody does not know live action role play he's got all these just like foam and masking tape swords sitting in the back of his car. And I wanted to give you so much shit, but I'm also like, this is exactly what I need. So I grab like the biggest one and I use it as a crutch,

which means I go hobbling into like the San Pedro Hospital looking like I'm the only one who got mortally wounded on the fields of fucking dork battle. I slipped on a Cheeto bag and caught a gopher hole. And the nurses are just like, oh, did you hurt yourself playing with your friends? I'm like, no, it's a separate injury. And then you hung out.

You took me to get a cheeseburger afterwards. Yeah, and I remember specifically we were going afterwards. We were like, where should we go to eat? And I was like, we passed a Jack in the Box. And Keith was like, well, yeah, I don't want to get better, do I? Yeah. So Connor watched me eat a bunch of food. And now we're friends.

And then, yeah, just like hop back up. Well, yeah, then you're like, I left you at the bottom of the steps. And I think he realized you couldn't climb them. They just sat down for a while. Yeah, yeah. I have a story. Okay, please. Okay.

This is a story about when I was 18 years old, and I was still in high school at the time, and we were going to some friend of a friend's wedding in Aberdeen, South Dakota. You just kind of sneak into these things. I don't remember how tangentially we related to it, but it was me and all my dumb little friends. Now, my friend at the time was dating this awful,

awful girlfriend who we all hated, who was just the Yoko Ono of our little Aberdeen, South Dakota little clique. Just hated her. Just ruined so many nights out. Just a pain in the fucking ass. So we were getting really, really piss-ass waste, just high school dipshit wasted at this hotel, at this Holiday Inn in South Dakota.

And I remember they left their door to their hotel room open, and we wanted to pull a prank on them. And I told all my friends, I'm going to prank him really, really good. And I'm like nearly blacked out at this point. So I go in their bathroom and you know, like those tiny little, like little water cups, like those, like a water cup you get on an airplane. I decided I'm going to take a shit in one of those water cups and leave it on the counter. Now at the time I probably weighed similarly to what,

like, I was like Keith Carey in weight, not too far off. So I bring that up not as an insult, but just to point out I had a good shit brewing. It was like the first repressed gay Midwestern shit. It all, just, yeah. The compacted, so you can come out as who you are. Just the fact that I was never allowed Barbie dolls just got compressed into this shit.

Did you poop where your dad's love should be? Oh, exactly. And so now I do it, and I start to shit. In the theater of my mind, gentlemen, I imagined a soft serve Pinkberry shit that would fill daintily into this tiny little cup. You're like swirling it around. Quite the contrary, Joe. Pile it in there. It was a massive log. I mean, I just started into it, and it tilted over the cup.

And I swear to God, the second I saw the cup tip over before I'm even done shitting, I realized with perfect clarity, this is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I've never been, like a fucking, the in my life i've never been like a fucking the dalai lama has never been more mindful and in the moment than i was at that moment i swear to god right then i realized this girl is totally not a bad person my friend is actually the asshole we're just ganging up on her she is totally in the right on a number of things so now i'm like i can't do this i can't this is the worst thing i ever do but now but i'm also like i don't know what to do because it made such a huge mess.

And I almost would rather just commit to the prank than have them walk in. And for some reason, I thought they were coming. And they were coming. I didn't want them to catch me in the act of shitting on there and trying to clean it up because that's somehow harder to explain. It's literally a real weird act. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And that's precisely what happened. They came in while I'm trying to scoop this giant shit with this tiny cup and this shitty counter, and they came in. And there were ways to do it. So honestly, to this day, I don't even know if they remember. So they just saw it and went, ew, and ran away and caught me in the act of covering this up. And I either wish, either A, wish I never would have done it,

or B, I just wish I would have stuck the fucking landing of wretchedness and just committed because someone literally walked in with like, I'm holding a fucking cup with his shit in someone else's mouth. You should have just been like, it's gay guy stuff. That's when you, that's, I can't. And that was, that's my contribution to the It Gets Better Project. Episode two of it. Shit gets better.

Of making a turterer. Oh, you deserve pain. Oh, you guys. Okay. So anyway, that's the story. I think we did it. Yeah. Yeah, it's the podcast for this week.

You know, fucking just subscribe to it. Fuck you. Oh, God. No, thank you, dear listeners. Please rate and subscribe on iTunes. Don't let Connor's darkness put out your light. That's what I say. Somehow listen to Connor, but also fuck Connor. Yeah, there you go.

You know what would have happened if I said, we guys, we appreciate you so much. We'd be like, oh, you're smarmy cunt. You'd be like, yeah, fuck you. I think what we've learned today is that Connor is always wrong. Oh, my God. What happened? Oh, my God. You've really deflected eight seconds worth of fat jokes with this pandering habit you I'm forging a new alliance with Shit Cop over here. This is like a game of Risk.

Every time I get up to go to the bathroom, you guys are like, well, I didn't know you were using Russia. What's happened, Connor? You're kind of grumpy today. Did you not get an extra gig in Clovis or something, or what happened? No. Do we want to wrap a real fun story? Something happened today

What happened? Come on Oh I just I've had a very long day I shot a commercial yesterday Oh And then I You know

Drove an annoying guy To look at a house We're gonna stay in And then I drove him home Hi Opie And then today I had to build a cabinet And then I went to the gym

And I did a bunch of Like errands And then I Had to do some writing And then I had to Do a show, and then I went to the gym, and I did a bunch of errands, and then I had to do some writing, and then I had to do a show and come here, so I've just been doing it for the last 48 hours. And now you had to come here and get called the fucking Mormon timeshare salesman by me. Yeah, it sounds like a rough day.

No, dude, I'm tired. I had a long day of not having any real problems. Oh, no, look, I wasn't even complaining. I know. We're just trying to mind comedy. If you're mundane and tea, not a word. Fucking Bieber Eeyore. Well, I edit the podcast, so no one will ever hear this.

Thanks for podcasting with me. If it is a good day, Keith, which I doubt. You know what I really wanted to Photoshop? Everyone's a con. Do you guys ever have this problem where you want to Photoshop something, but you don't know Photoshop? Yes. I really wanted to get a picture of Eeyore in his house and then spray paint on it. Tiggers go home.

Good night, everybody. I also wanted to do, because Bowie died yesterday. Rest in peace. You know how people do like to pray for Paris overlays. I wanted to do one of those with the Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt. You have no idea how long I Googled if that existed. Yeah, but for the love of God, I just could not figure out how to because I don't

have Photoshop on my laptop. I have Gimshop. You couldn't muster up the energy to accomplish nothing? Seriously. Yeah, you nailed it. This was some good post-show patter, everybody. Yeah. Bye, everybody.