Mean Boys - EP 30 - The Spider Zone (feat. Tom Goss)

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter (@gossgoss6 / http://twitter.com/gossgoss6) This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Tom Lightning Round”, “Tom in Area 51”, “Nihilist Local News” and a round of “Which of the Following” by @RyanColby1984 with Godzilla Villains. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. At Desjardins Insurance, we put the care in taking care of business. Your business to be exact. Our agents take the time to understand your company so you get the right coverage at the right price. Whether you rent out your building, represent a condo corporation, or own a cleaning company, we make insurance easy to understand so you can focus on the big stuff. Like your small business. Get insurance that's really big on care.

Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage. hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast i'm keith carey i'm tom goss and i'm the human equivalent of spoiled gogurt yay Yay. How does it go bad? It's in a tube. Just nasty and suburban. It becomes Connor. Mom froze it so the contamination wouldn't spread. Did you guys get frozen gogurt when you were kids? I ate gogurt.

I didn't fuck with gogurt. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, the frozen gogurt was like you were hot shit. Like, yeah, my mom froze my gogurt, and by lunchtime it was just soft enough for me to gnaw through it, and you're just like a a fucking boss i love how low your bar for being the boss is well yeah when you know when you don't when you don't create semen yet it's a little bit easier yogurt is disgusting yogurt is i can't you draw the line at yogurt keith i look i know it's just a dumb food okay you had a fucking poutine pancake death sandwich but yeah and that was great

yeah my mom would always be like gogurt we could just make that at home and then we try to make whatever at home it would not be as good please tell me she called it staggered making your own yogurt is why am i not surprised you turned out like this i feel like more than any of the antipsychotics or any other things you attribute your mental problems to, it's probably all the fucking homemade yogurt. Speaking of making your own yogurt, we left a cup of milk down here in the basement for a week, and now Tom Goss is here. Yeah, Joe Dash is absent.

He's visiting his family back in whichever one of the shitty states he's from. South Dakota. The worst Dakota. Yeah, he will be bringing back rhubarb coogan for the rhubarb taste test. Rhubarb is good. You guys are wrong. I've had it. All right, we'll see you next week.

All right, we will see you next week. Your vote of support is terrifying to me. When he said it was like, imagine strawberry celery, that's close. That's pretty accurate. Okay, that sounds interesting. I'm not writing it off. It's got a weird texture. We'll eat some rhubarb on air.

I've had rhubarb cobbler, and I just like cobbler. I love that Howard Stern was like, we're going to bring in tits. We're going to eat a rhubarb. That's our big radio gimmick. Like, all right, guys, the first caller gets to try some food from the past. Eat that nasty fruit and or vegetable. I don't even know which one it is. We should say that Tom slept in the basement.

I did. He just kind of made a nest of leftover bedding that we found. His pillow was a leather jacket. Yeah. His pillow was a leather jacket. I bought that jacket for three packs of cigarettes. Last night you said it was two packs of cigarettes. No, he said three.

I said three. I know how many packs I bought it for. Don't insult me. You already told us, but can you tell the audience what you said you did last night before you went to sleep? Oh, I counted all the spiders. Your exact phrasing was, I played count the spiders until I fell asleep. Yeah. There's six in that corner.

Good God, Tom. There's a lot of spiders. I ate some of them. Others I left alive to tell the survivors of what had happened. Yeah, and then I woke up and there was just a spider near my face. Well, yeah, and they gave me this crown. I guess I'm the king now. I don't really know the spider constitution.

I don't know. It was across the room and then my tongue did a thing and then I ate it. So we're waiting for Tom. Tom slept over at the house last night because we're recording this at 10 in the morning because Keith's got to get on the road soon. This is so early. It is so early. Tom's very sleepy.

But Tom, he said, yeah, I get a message from him at 4 in the afternoon. I'm like, I'll be there a little after midnight. He has no phone right now. So me and Keith are just sitting on the roof just waiting for this fucking blonde Mohawk man to maybe show up to our house. And Keith said, the only other time I'm in this this situation i was waiting for my mom to buy drugs and like you don't you don't know excitement until you're like is tom gonna find his way here i mean you couldn't get here with a functional phone in the middle of the goddamn day you shut up with your fucking horn on hey there was no horn this time that's pretty good all right i'm moving up world. There's no phone where it's lateral at best.

I got lost. I knew it was on street. I went the wrong way on street. Oh, yeah. Thanks for sharing our address. You were going to go ahead and bleep that? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Ryan Colby's going to show up. He was like, hey,

can I ask you some roast battle questions? And I'm like, this is like the thank you, but no. When superfan Ryan Colby goes insane and pulls a good John Hinkley, which one of us gets to be Jodie Foster? Ooh, I think it's like Joe, probably. Who's John Hinkley? He's the most demure. He tried to kill fucking, who did he try to kill? Reagan.

Right, it was Reagan, right? Yeah, and he just got let out of that. Well, before, he was kind of on a semi-release. Joe Dosh is the closest to Reagan out of us. He does hate gay people the most. He didn't invent AIDS, but he certainly perfected it. I just think it's crazy that John Hinckley just gets to be a dude like, this dude shot the president, and he's at fucking Yogurtland.

Tom, shoot the president. Which one at fucking yogurt land. So I'm shooting the president. Which one? Pick one. Doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm going Carter. He needs to stop building houses for people. They're lazy. I don't have a house.

Where's my house, Jim? Where's Habitat for Tom? Tom Manatee. Habitat for Tom the Manatee. All right. We're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexicanatee. I'm Tom the manatee. All right. We're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke off. Ay, sos topical.

All right. I'll take it away. An emotional support monkey has gotten loose in a flight to Vegas. Tom Goss remarked, I'm really sorry. I'm going to be late to the podcast again. Where do you keep the trash bags that make it so you not die when you fall out of the plane? I couldn't keep track of all that. I was really tired.

It sounded really funny. It was pretty good. Tom, you're up. The joke is you're a monkey that doesn't know what parachutes are. You're my emotional support monkey. If I'm having a bad day, I just want you to sit in my lap for a bit.

An entire family of three has been discovered to be sexual predators living together on the run. Authorities are calling it the most Floridian road trip ever. I like your little flourish at the end. Road trip ever. Talk a little bit more into the mic, but keep the kids. Okay. In Oklahoma, a mother and her three sons were killed when their car was hit by a train.

The train was overheard saying, quote, I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Oh, God, I did. That is a recipe for a good Mexican joke off. It has to have a sing-songy cadence that ends in horribleness at the end. That's the way to go. A man was caught scaling Trump Tower in New York.

In response to this issue, Trump has clarified his statements on immigration, saying, we are looking into building an unclimbable wall in between us and whatever country Spiderman are from. Trump, I guess, is JFK now. I don't know. I feel like Spiderman is what he calls, like, Serbians or something. I didn't say all

Spiderman were rapists. I'm sure some of them are very good superheroes. Hashtag not all Spiderman. I like this room. Spider-Men were rapists. I'm sure some of them are very good superheroes. Hashtag not all Spider-Men. I like this room. A 10-year-old boy died in the world's highest water slide in America. When asked if the child met the height requirements, the story reported, hard to tell now that he doesn't have a head.

Oh, man. Well, you were on the junior level, but we got to kick you down to the fun zone, right? Just a fucking headless corpse floating through a lazy river. Yeah, can we have the wake on the merry-go-round? The drown and frown tide pool. Drown and frown. Well, we've got a Mexican joke off showdown here. A 10-year-old boy was decapitated at a water park in Kansas.

The slide in question was closed, but park officials urged visitors to visit another attraction. It's a cruel world after all. Tom's was way better. I've got to give it to Tom. That was very good. Baltimore police strip-searched a woman after pulling her over for a broken taillight. After the search, they wrote her a fix-it ticket for her emotional trauma. All right.

Officer Donald Thompson won the Medal of Valor when he saved a man on the freeway from a car that turned into a great ball of fire. The rest of the victims will burn, burn, burn, their souls going higher. I remember thinking, that's not great balls of fire. That is ring of fire. You know what, I realized that, and I was like, I can't do it for, yeah, the actual...

Well, getting the wrong song is more Tom than doing it correctly. Suck it, Jerry Lou. I like Jerry Lou, except that he fucked his 14-year-old cousin. That was weird. I mean, you know, we've been correctly. Yeah, suck it, Jerry Lewis. I like Jerry Lewis, except that he fucked his 14-year-old cousin. That was weird. I mean, you know, we've been there. Yeah.

Yeah. A kayaker in the Rio Olympics capsized after he hit a partially submerged sofa. Said Tom Goss, quote, Hey, get away from my floaty apartment. I've thought about living on a boat. I'd really like to live on a boat. Nothing is less surprising.

I have to, honestly. Well, I know you're going to put water wings on a futon. You're like, yeah, I got an oar. living on a boat. I'd really like to live on a boat. Nothing is less surprising. I have to, honestly. Well, I know you're going to put water wings on a futon. Yeah, I got an aura. It's a boat. My dream is that one day we get to have like a Mean Boys Booze Cruise. Oh, we've talked about the Mean Boys Cruise. I forget. We had a name for it, but I don't remember what it was.

Anyway. Oh, Mean Buoys. Oh, gosh. That's so stupid. I love it. For the first time in the world, a Polish patient has awoken from a six-month coma after receiving a brain stimulator implant. His doctors are thrilled with the results, saying, this could be a breakthrough. For centuries, we didn't think it was possible to stimulate Polish brains at all.

I love a good Polish joke. I'm like, what group of people are we not servicing with our demeaning jokes? I'm like, the Poles. I mean, it's, you know. We got them. I did that one for Joe because, you know, old-timey racism

is sort of his thing. KFC unveils the first ever edible nail polish and are calling it the Keith Carey mani-pedi. As soon as I heard KFC. God damn it.

Keith fucking Carey. I don't like the, of all the things you can't understand in the world, one is how to make fun of me for being fat. A suicide bomber killed dozens at a Pakistani hospital.

The chief of medicine was quoted as saying, look, it's a hospital in Pakistan. How long do you really think they were going to last anyway? All we were going to do is throw leeches on him and call it a day. That's funny. Tiny golden scrolls believed to contain magic spells were found with the corpse000-year-old skeleton in the ruins of a Roman city. Joe Dosh commented, They're not spells. My new boyfriend is just using his Millennium's version of PrEP to keep us safe from HIV.

That guy likes old dudes and witchcraft. R&B singer Bobby Brown is claiming a ghost had sex with him in his sleep. And just another example of spook-on-spook crime. Oh, my God, Tom. Whoa. God.

I don't hate it. There should be a blackout with a ghost podcast called Spook-on-Spook. And finally, CBS's new Star Trek series will feature a female starship captain. The pilot will revolve around her facing her greatest challenge ever, parallel parking the Enterprise. Oh my god, Jay Leno! If you could send that joke through a time machine for whenever Voyager

came out, you would be $100 richer. Yeah, yeah. I don't feel great about it, but it was fun. Oh, dude, my two favorite things, misogyny, Star Trek. You got it. Alright, boys, so that was the Mexican joke-off, Star Trek. You got it. All right, boys. That was the Mexican joke off. I think we'll be right back after some other shit.

Yeah. All right. Hi, I'm Tom Goss. You might know me from stand-up comedy, the Mean Boys podcast, and stealing recyclables to build a fort to live in. These scientists from the government hooked my brain up to a crazy robot because they think I have some kind of special type of retard disease that's technically a superpower so now I live in area 51 but they taught me how to make youtubes so I'm doing a cooking show welcome to episode one of making agasta get it it's like possible with my name fuck you I don't work for you let's make food or whatever today we're making raviolis ravioli is an old italian word

that means beef pillow i used to be racist against italians but then somebody told me they don't control the weather so they're cool i guess the first thing you need is ravioli supplies if you don't have them go to the store and say hey fuck dick i dick, I'm a chef. Give me tools for success or I'll kill your dog with a hammer. First, you gotta cook the meat. Most people like beef, but you can also use chicken, squirrel, or people. Meat's very stubborn food.

It doesn't like to give up, so you gotta torch it with fire until it surrenders and turns into food. This meat looks like fucking coward, so I'm gonna let it sit on a rock in the sun for 20 minutes and this ought to do it. While this happens, make the dough. If you don't know shit fuck about dough, it is just bread with an attitude problem. It's always laying around, being flat. It doesn't have a job. It's a real lazy piece of shit. So that part's easy. Lay it

on the table. If you don't have a table, use the on the table you don't have a table use the ground you don't have to crown congratulations you can fly stop it making chef boyardee bullshit and go be the scary man bird you were born to be shit on cars and feed worms your babies you freaking weirdo the key to any good gasta is a sauce there's tomatoes in all of them. I ain't pick it. I think the tomato is just an arrogant ketchup baseball, but that's the rules. It's in the Bible.

You can put other shit in there too. For an example, I'm using pepper, salt, ham, loose goobers, a cat, this bus pass I don't remember buying, and the mystery bone. Then put the thing on the other thing, and I put the other thing on it. I don't want to tell you how to live your life. All right, that's food, I guess.

I got to go. They gave me the shiny pill, and now I want to see if I can turn the TV on with my brain. See you next time when I teach you how to cook a banana. Bon appetit. That's European for eat lunch, you silly bitch. Gwang. All right, Alright everybody The Mean Boys is back That is the sound of Tom slapping his own face

To awake himself from a deep Mentally ill slumber Floor sleep Floor sleep yes You don't get rim you get phlegm And it is time for the return of one of our maybe our most popular segment i've had so many people approach me about this and if we didn't do it again we would be tarred and feathered uh it is time to play the tom goss lightning round yes tom please just say sky fire sky fire you said sky fire You said ska-fire. Ska-fire.

I spit on my mouth. You did even more wrong. You spit on your mouth? Your mouth is made of spit. Not the outside of the mouth. What? Tom, what? Okay.

All right. Well, the goddamn Tom Lightning round. Yeah. All right. Well, the goddamn Tom lightning round. Yeah. Skyfire. You can stop, Tom. Yeah, I was going to make a jingle, but I think this is a more appropriate introduction to your fucking madness. So basically how this game works is we're going to do competitive lightning round. Me and Keith have each made a list of 20 things, and Tom has 60 seconds to explain as many of them as he can.

And the other person is going to keep score, so we're going to see who can stump Tom the hardest. Let's play rock, paper, scissors for who has to go first, because we all know he gets warmed up. Wait here. Rock, paper, scissors. Rock, paper, scissors. Both. Alright, Keith's going first.

Hell yeah. Alright, so 60 seconds on the clock. Let me pull it up right here. Yeah, this is just Tom just has to explain it. Are you going to keep score? I will keep score, yes. Excellent. All right. You guys ready? Ready?

Three, two, one, go. Waffles. Waffles. Oh, cube pancake. That's correct. The sun. Oh, angry moon. The renaissance. Oh, night fairs. What?

Brexit. What? Brexit. I don't know what that is. Tampons. Oh, stocking stuffers. Easter. Oh, hide the egg thing.

The Prophet Muhammad. Oh, Brown Jesus. Sorry, sorry. Browner Jesus. The Dewey Decimal System. Oh, oh, library. This is something with a library. Partial credit. Turtles. Turtles. Oh, oh, shell. This is something with a library. Partial credit.

Turtles. Turtles. Oh, oh, shell snails. Fracking. Oh, oil pimple. Catcher in the Rye. Oh, that book you kill someone with. All right, I'll give you Catcher in the Rye.

That's correct. Okay, that was nine things. Okay. That counted nine things. So, Keith, can you pull your timer? I got to use yours because I don't have... You don't have a phone either? My phone's charging. Okay, so I'll just do it.

It's on our system. I'll keep score, though. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's get ready. All right, Tom. Toenails.

Oh, reverse fingernails. Tapails. Oh, reverse fingernails. Tap dancing. Oh, little girl dances. Wine. Fuck wine. Farts. Butt burps. Tai Chi.

I don't know what that is. Swans. Oh, sexy geese. Recycling. Do it again, trash. Israel. They don't like the other brown people they live with. Communism.

Everyone does work. Pyramids. Alien teepees. The moon. Sleepy sun. Leaves. Treeskin. Feelings.

I don't like those. Scabs. Rip them, stick them. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Or man stickers. Man stickers? Oh, God.

Amy and TV. How did I do, Keith? 10, 11. 12. 12. 12. Nicely done. Oh, sexy geese.

Do we want to do a victory lap, Robert, but we have left over? Yeah, yeah, let's do it. All right, so we'll just go back and forth. You can go first, and we're just going to go fast again. Robert? Okay. All right. David Hasselhoff.

Lifeguard for something? I don't know. Hashtag Black Lives Matter. Oh, everyone matters. Oh, no, no, no. remember, but shit, this is complicated. This is really, let's like black people. Clowns. You got something on your, oh, fuck.

Transgendered people. Oh, God's whoopsie does it. Oh, fuck. God. He does it. Oh, fuck! God! He didn't know what to give him. Pokemon. Huh? Pokemon.

Oh, just kidnap the animal. Vegetarians! I'm a vegetarian. Okay, anime. Horny cartoons. Dr. Seuss. Oh. Poetry color men.

That's what he's known for. Scurvy. Oh. Just correct. Just say pirateate Aids. Reggae. Oh. Fuck.

Bob Marley soul. I don't know. Go, go, go. I'm flustered. I got this. I got this. Clarinets. Squidward's thing.

Long division. Take the numbers and run in the groups. Come on, take the numbers and run. Driveways. Into groups. Oh, house parking. Robin Williams. Shaky ape death man.

Lightsabers. Oh, Star Wars swords. Cosmetology. Is that makeup? Yes, that's right. I don't know what that was. Oh, okay. Cabbage.

Oh, fuck you, lettuce. Cancer. Like, body spots. Bonus round. In 15 seconds, explain how a car works. Oh, yeah, you just stick the key on and you go places in it. Well, hoisted on my own pata. Well done, Guts.

Oh my God, that was the most fun. All right, that was the Tom Lightning round, everybody. The Mean Boys will be right back. Oh, man. I forgot how stressful that is. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Nihilist Local News. God is not dead because he was never alive.

Police delivered a baby on the side of the 10 freeway today during a traffic jam. As he did so, another baby died somewhere as the cruel pendulum of mortality ticks away the moments of our insignificant planet's brief lifetime. Donald Trump is in the news today again after his comments at a rally could be interpreted as him suggesting that supporters of the Second Amendment assassinate Hillary Clinton. A living body contains the same number of particles as a dead body, and the leaders of man are but comforting symbols for us to hold onto as we careen through the abyss. We turn now to Chip Bukowski with the weather.

How's the weekend looking, Chip? Hey, thanks, Mark. We're looking at warm temperatures with clear skies, followed by the slow expansion of the universe out from the Big Bang, which will eventually dissipate throughout the cosmos, leading to a phenomenon called heat death. Whereas the millennia pass by like seconds in the grim expanse of fleeting energy, all atoms will cease their microscopic dance and fall silent for an eternity no one will ever witness. So I'd suggest bringing a nice jacket along with you,

something you wouldn't mind being buried in, because death lurks around every corner. Thanks, Chip. Now over to Frank Nietzsche with sports. Frank, how'd my chargers do? Well, to project positive and negative connotations onto the small actions of human beings in the context of games is to forget that we are but a biological system which evolved to preserve the slow dissipation of energy from the Big Bang and

savor every photon of nourishment from our dying mother's son as we distract our way to the yawning grave. The Chargers lost to the Patriots 14-3. Better luck next time, I guess, Frank. Luck, of course, being another one of our comforting illusions that allows us to attribute our faults to wearing the wrong pair of socks or some dumb shit. Now our human interest story stay-at-home mom,

heartstring violinist, correspondent person, Gail Kierkegaard is at the Children's Hospital with the Make-A-Wish program. I sure am, Mark. I'm here in the cancer wing of Cedars-Sinai, surrounded by ghoulish creatures that would look more appropriate in the movie Akira than they would on a swing set. As we visit them, we lie to ourselves and say we are imparting strength when we are merely stating some altruistic gene that was developed via the evolution of the hunter-gatherer tribe dynamic. As I look around these rows of beds, laden with sheets as pale as

the broken beings that occupy them, I ask you, if there was a creator god who programmed this, why would you not raise your fist in grim anger against him? If a piece of software came with as many flaws as our waking world, would you not send an email to the manufacturer and furiously type poisonous Amazon reviews in your quote-unquote comfy pants? To believe in a deity is to submit to Stockholm Syndrome on a galactic level. Also, Michael Phelps showed up for a bit. That was pretty cool of him. It sure was, Gale. We'll be right back after this psychological graffiti tries to convince you that you don't have the right kind of toaster.

All right, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast is back, and it's time to close out the show as we always do with a round of our favorite game, which of the following? Ah! Which one? Which of the following? Which one? All right, well, that's the official Tom Goss episode.

Which of the following theme? Oh, God. This week, we have another submission from Ryan Colby. Follow him at Twitter, at RyanColby1984. I should not have memorized your Twitter name. You lonely, lonely man. For the love of God, make an OKCupid profile, please. You do not need to spend all of your fucking recreational time sending us shit.

Or go outside. More people have been going outside lately. Tom Goswell. Tom is talking sense into your life. Let that sink in, Ryan Colby. Thank you, Ryan Colby. Seriously. He did submit this in fucking MLA format.

He put Witch of the Falling in the top left corner than Ryan Colby than the date as though we were going to grade this for him. He's efficient. I mean,

yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just like, wow, like people are fucking, this guy like formatted shit for us.

It's uncomfortable. He writes, Dear Moonboys, happy Tuesday to you all. Here's another Witch of the Falling and a question or two. It's Tuesday? Use it tomorrow or on whichever episode you want. I'm trying not to take over the podcast. I justgeon Boys, happy Tuesday to you all. Here's another which of the following and a question or two. It's Tuesday? Use it tomorrow or on whichever episode you want.

I'm trying not to take over the podcast. I just really enjoy writing these things for you guys. And we really enjoy reading them, so we give you a hard time. But I feel like that's probably what you want, you fucking dirty little bitch boy. You're a dirty little bitch boy, Ryan Colby. First of all, that got me hard. Lick my toes. Come to that.

I just want to point out a moment that could have just passed by. You said happy Tuesday and Tom goes Wait, it's Tuesday? Implying that Tom thinks this is happening in real time? I'm still waking up. Tom, you've been awake for... So what, the realities of the universe? Usually the first three hours I'm just by myself drinking

caffeine, smoking, and writing. I don't talk to anybody. I don't look at anybody. I just listen to music and write. You're describing how you get through prison. I keep to myself. I write't look at anybody. I just listen to music and write. You're describing how you get through prison. I keep to myself. I write. Eyes down. Check marks on the wall. They don't let me write on the wall anymore.

God damn it, Tom. You've got your wall writing privileges revoked. I mean, you had them at some point. Yeah, I've had problems with that. I should say that we were recording this on Thursday, so if the fucking world ends on Saturday and we're not talking about it, that's why just crazy schedules this week. So let's get started.

Which of the following are not real Godzilla monsters from the movies? What? Real Godzilla-like villains that Godzilla fights. How many movies are there? A lot. I don't know. Enough to make a game? Okay. Let's do this, Ryan Colby. Yeah, this is the premise that Tom can't get on board with.

There are multiple Godzilla monsters. I thought it was just Godzilla and Little Godzilla. What? He's referring to Godzookie. Oh, I didn't know. I don't even know what Godzookie is. It has a name? That sounds like the kind of food I want to eat. What? Fucking really? Yeah. Wait, I thought they were all, like,

double-sexed. I mean, I think you're thinking of actual lizards. Oh, like, they were all, like, double-sexed. I mean, I think you're thinking of actual lizards. Oh, like they, like, produce, like, you cut it in half and then there's two Godzillas? That's how Godzilla mated with itself. You guys weren't paying attention. All right, I do not need to be condescended to by you about fictional lizards, all right? It's too early in the morning for me. A, King Caesar.

B, Giant Condor. C, Giant Spider. Or D, Giant Octopus. Wait, what was the first one? King Caesar. I don't remember a bird in that movie. How do you know it's a bird? I think you're thinking of Giant Condor.

Yeah, Giant Condor is a bird. Oh, yeah. But also, why... There's no way your memory is a reliable source of. Yeah, Giant Condor is a bird. Oh, yeah. But also, why... There's no way your memory is a reliable source of memory. Why hasn't he fought a bird? Well, you thought it was just the fucking pursuit of happiness, but with Godzilla and his son trying to make it as monsters in the mean world. I'm going to say Hail Caesar.

Why? Well, that's incorrect, because that's literally not one of the choices. What was Caesar's name? It's a multiple choice test, A through D. I put 12. I'm going to say giant condor. All right. Tom, what did you guess?

What was the first one? King Caesar. King Caesar. That was close enough. All right. The fake one is giant spider. Yes, King Caesar is real. He looks like an enormous half dog, half lion, and you have to sing a long rambling pop song

to make him wake up from his comatose state. He included a video lick embedded into the Google Doc. This is the level of commitment we are dealing with. For the love of God, Ryan Colby, discover masturbation. There is a female fan out there who needs a little bit of dick

or is just like... Just a little bit. Like, I don't think there's a lot. Fuck Ryan Colby. Like, he deserves it. He doesn't... Not like, fuck Ryan Colby. Like, put your pussy

around his chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mummify it. Alright, we'll do the phone. Not like, fuck Ryan Colby. Like, put your pussy around his chest. Yeah, mummify it. All right, we'll do the phone. He's a real Godzilla villain. Mummify that dick. Hey, okay, quick sidebar. And this is something I promised. Well, he didn't want me to bring it up on Mean Boys, but I'm going to.

My friend from high school, this is how he jerks off. He calls it mummy hand. He just wraps his hand in toilet paper until it's mummified. And then he uses that to, like, catch the cum. And he, like, just, like, slides it off. And I'm like, that that to like catch the cum and he like just like slides it off and I'm like that is like the most so if anyone out there mummy hands

please tweet me so I can tell you to kill yourself but I want to know if there's other people out there and we don't have a broad reach

but I need to know does anyone out there else mummy hand or is it just my fucking stupid friend I don't know anybody but there was a kid I went to boarding school

with who just flicked his dick till he came dude what kind of fucking sad dominatrix shit like you just like you're trying to wake up your hamster There was a kid I went to boarding school with who just flicked his dick till he came. Dude. What kind of fucking sad dominatrix shit? Like you're trying to wake up your hamster? I got jerked off through my pants the other day for the first time in a long time. Took an hour.

Oh, like with your pants still on? You know it'd be less work to just take off your pants. What public place were you ruining? We were in a car. Oh, okay. On the freeway. We had a long drive. We were going to Long Beach. I came in my pants, and then I had to discard my cum-soaked underwear in the bathroom of a Jack in the Box.

That's 100% true. Oh, my God. It would have been so much less work to just take your pants off. I pee in water bottles regularly, and I'm still the most hygienic person on this podcast. Look, I didn't plan to cum. Hey, I didn't want to sleep in the spider zone. Well, we're for sure calling this episode the spider zone. Yeah, no, it's done.

What's the longest-lived Godzilla villain? A, Manda. B, Rodan. C, Boran. Or D, Varan. Weren't those Lord of the Rings characters? Maybe. I don't know.

Can we hear them again? Rodan is real. Yeah, Rodan's real. Manda, Rodan, Boran, or Varan? I'm going to say Varan. Tommy? I'm going to say Manda. All right.

The fake one is Boran. Varan is a big flying iguana with fangs and web limbs. Manda is a really big sea serpent with shiny fangs and tiny little legs. Rodan is a pterodactyl-looking motherfucker who can unleash sonic booms with much more force than a faggot guile can. What? Thank you for speaking truthgot guile can. What? Thank you for speaking truth to guile.

Yeah, dude. Way to show guile, bro. Number three, which of the following is not a real Godzilla villain? A, Mechamothra, B, Hedorah,

C, Orga, or D, Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar sounds like the cool kid in high school that fucks your girlfriend into the bleachers. Oh man, she's going to the pro with Jet. Jet Jaguar, he windsurfs. I'm going to say Jet Jaguar. My dad bought me a boat. What was C?

Orga. Yeah, I'm going to say Orga. All right, the fake one is Mecha Mothra. God damn it. He writes, I made him up. He's not a thing. Hedorah is a smog monster or a living pile of toxic ooze, a.k.a. Keith Carey.

He can also turn himself into a flying saucer, liquefy himself, and reduce people into skeletons. Orga is some giant weird alien-looking kind of thing and a tentacle monster bullshit. And Jet Jaguar is a giant robot that kind of looks like a silvery Power Ranger with AIDS. Ryan, the breakdowns are killing me. Can Power Rangers get AIDS?

I mean, yeah. Okay. I don't know. They're people. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi. I don't know. If they're teenagers fighting a giant turtle or whatever, you'd think they'd be able to fight AIDS.

I don't know if you know this. They created AIDS to stop the Black Ranger. But it took the Blue Ranger out, too. Collateral damage. I believe the government would do that. You believe Ronald Reagan had a problem with Power Rangers? Fuck Ronald Reagan.

What's your cons with Ronald Reagan? Not saying I disagree, but I just want to know what you think he did. It'll get too serious. That guy got rid of the gold standard. No, he did a lot of harm to mental health care in California. Like, a lot of harm. And that's the main reason there's so many mentally ill people on the streets in L.A. I love Ronald Reagan because that means that he gave us Tom Goss.

I'm going to go ahead and forgive him for Iran-Contra. I don't even know if that's a thing he did. It just sounded right. Number four. Which is as long as it's not a real Godzilla villain. A. Mechagodzilla. B. SpaceGodzilla. C. SpaceKong. Or D. Batra. Ichagodzilla B. SpaceGodzilla C. SpaceKong

or D. Batra I gotta say SpaceKong. Tommy Goss? I don't understand this. What is confusing you? Where do these names come from? Tom, you've been on this podcast like five times.

Three of them come from Godzilla movies. One of them comes from Ryan Colby. Say them one more time. These are things that Godzilla fought. They all them come from Godzilla movies. One of them comes from Ryan Colby. Say them one more time. These are things that Godzilla fought. They all sound the same to me. They're different if you listen with your ears. I don't know. They're all spelled with letters.

A, Mechagodzilla. B, SpaceGodzilla. C, SpaceKong. D, Batra. I'm going to say SpaceGodzilla. All right. The fake one is SpaceKong. God damn it.

Just like a black astronaut, he'll never exist. Oh, shit! Okay, there probably were black astronauts at some point, but it seemed like a good joke to make. Batra is not an evil enough-looking giant bat, but rather he is the evil side of Mothra, who is also considered a guardian of Earth. Oh, God, Ryan.

I take... Nobody fuck Ryan. He deserves himself. Who is Space Kong? You? Space Kong doesn't exist. He's a. Who is Space Kong? You? Space Kong doesn't exist. He's a fake one. Do you not understand?

Oh, I said fake. I said Space Godzilla. Yeah. Oh. He's Godzilla in space. What? You've played this game. You made a round of this game.

Do you not understand? Not since Jack the Ripper has a name been so explanatory. His name is Jack. He rips. His name is Jack, he rips. His name is Space Godzilla, he Godzilla's in space. Fuck, Tom. No, I know how the game works. I just don't know how the fuck... I didn't know there was this much Godzilla out there.

Well, it's not a difficult thing to wrap your brain around. Yeah, it is. There is. Accept it. Make peace with it. Oh, my God. I'm guessing Matthew Broderick was only in one movie. There is. Accept it. Make peace with it. Oh my god. I'm guessing Matthew Broderick was only in one movie. That's correct. Okay.

Kill me. I don't like him. He didn't go to school when he was supposed to. Yeah, I didn't either. That's not why. We at Ferris Bueller are hanging out. Alright, all real or all fake? A. Titanosaurus.

B, Muto. Muto's. What? C, Anguirus. Or D, Destroyaroya. I think they would be more like swinging for funny if they were fake. I'm saying they're fake because I don't believe there's that many goddamn Godzilla cartoons. There are.

They're not cartoons. They're live action films, Tom. It's only the cartoons. Tom, do you only know what Godzilla is from the Godzilla animated series? No, I know it is from that Matthew Broderick movie. Oh, my God. Kill yourself. All real.

Tom? I said I don't think there's that many Godzilla characters. It's all fake. Well, they're all real. God damn it! And I'm just so glad that I got to fucking say that to you. I made direct eye contact when I revealed it so I could fucking savor your pain. You fucking ignorant nincompoop.

You're, you're... I can't. No, no, no. Okay, we're throwing a bottle cap at each other now. This is going off the rails. He hit me first. Thank you, Ryan, for that. We're throwing a bottle cap at each other now. This is going off the rails. He hit me first. All right. How the fuck?

Thank you, Ryan, for that. At this point, he just, in pain failing, in painstaking vehicle, just explains the rest of them. I don't need to. Yeah. All right. So he also has some questions for us. All right.

Question one. These are about roast battle. Do you think anyone will ever do research for a roast battle by listening to the Mean Boys podcast? If so, do you have a message for them? I think Jay listened. Well, no, he already listened to them.

Yeah, come at me, faggot. There's my message. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. The two people in the world who I want to fight the most are in this room. Yeah.

And we will. Yeah, me and Tom Goss are roast battling in December. Mark your calendars now, Mean Boys fans. Yes. What is your favorite insult or nickname for me

in the Mean Boys that has ever been created as a result of the podcast? Mine are Mayonnaise Gumby, RuPaul Bag Face, and a hefty bag filled with cupcake stumps. I also really like the idea of Keith being a real raccoon rubbaging through garbage cans. First of all, I think Tom is the raccoon, if anybody is the raccoon. Yeah. Yeah, right. Argus Crumblebottom is my favorite of the nicknames that's popped up. Have you guys given me any nicknames?

I mean, why? I liked Potato Salad Flivered Gummy Worm for me. That was pretty good. Yeah. Tom. What is... I don't... I don't...

Spider King. Spider King, yeah. It's just Spider King. Spider King. Spider King. Does whatever a Spider King does. Does he sing? It's a web.

Finish the song. You got to do it. No, he doesn't. He's in a web. I don't know the lyrics. You don't know the lyrics to the song you're making up? Okay. All right.

What's your favorite insult or nickname for any of the Mean Boys that you shoot at you? I know it mostly from Simpsons. Okay. What's your favorite thing you've ever been called at roast battle? Connor looks like an extra from a Super Soaker commercial with stuff to top. Keith Carey puts the gut in faggot. All right, we have a Mexican Joker submission, and that'll be it for the show. This is from A Bleeding God.

He has some other Twitter, but I forget what it was. He sent the witch of the following last week. Death to the filth. Death to the filth. Death to the filth. Three Walmart employees in Florida have been charged with manslaughter after allegedly beating a man to death during an attempted theft. The first officer on the scene reportedly examined the Mabel Gold corpse of the shop

lever before asking the three, hey, do you guys want a job? Yeah, not bad. I liked it. That was pretty good. My favorite was your pronunciation of Mabel Gold. Dude. You turned into Popeye halfway through that joke. Here's the thing.

You want to send this stuff, you're going to have to listen to me try to read it, all right? You got to watch me destroy your creation like you've destroyed mine. Yeah, I dig Popeye.

Okay, you sure do. Does anyone have anything they want to plug? By the time this comes out, this weekend, that this comes out From the 18th to the 20th

I'll be headlining Joker's Comedy in Richland, Washington And when I get back home on Sunday I'll be at the Chatterbox in West Covina at 9pm That's one of my favorite shows, you should come out Sunday, August 22nd, I'll be doing competitive erotic fan fiction At the Virgil here in Los Angeles December, August 29th I will be doing Warp Zone at the Virgil

as well as Sleepaway Camp at the Downtown Independent and that is about it. Buy my album on vinyl. The vinyl just came in and it looks sick. My mom,

yeah, but Keith's album, we always have a link to Keith's album in the show notes. My mom listened to Keith's album. She liked it very much. God,

her mom approved. Oh, hell yeah. Tom, anything you want to promote? I'm guessing this will be out after we get back from North. Yes.

Okay. From the North. We go North. They got bears that are snowy there. I have shows. I didn't write them down, so you just got to go to Facebook. And then also, I have a vlog, and it has a lot of me on the road and shit. It's not with a GoPro strapped to his face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how you get to the vlog, actually. Stop! I've just been distributing these Super 8 tapes to people. I have a vlog of that thing when you hurt a kid. So yeah, just go to TomGossComedy.com if you want to. Is it too late to call it a vlog? You have a website?

Yeah, because I needed to get one for the podcast. That makes sense. Oh, yeah. And then I was like, yeah, I'll just put... Why is it so surprising I have a website? Because you're functionally retarded. Because you don't have a phone or know what shoes do. Yeah, or a room that is not also a spider basement.

In your defense, it was not set up by me. I needed a lot of help over a series of months. I can't. I can't anymore. Also, I'll be getting a phone sometime by Saturday. You're plugging your phone. So if you talk to me, you can text me probably by Saturday. We'll already be out. Also, what are you me, you can text me probably by Saturday. If I still already be out.

Also, what are you doing, you insane moron? Fuck everything. God is dead. You said I could plug anything. Send it in grace.