Mean Boys - EP 31 - Subscribute

Episode Date: August 19, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, A game of “Porn or Yelp Review” by @RyanColby1984, “Billingsley and Worthington”, “Spike TV”, “The Movie ‘Butt Dial’” and a game of “Which of the Following” with old timey insults by @ABleedingGod. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. When your kids head out for the night, we know that their safety is important to you. It's important to us too. Toyota, for what matters most. Hey Mean Boys and Girls, it's Connor McSpadden from the Mean Boys Podcast. Two little notes for this episode. We know it's a day late. We're sorry about that. We had tough schedules this week.

We'll be right back to releasing on time next week. And we had some audio issues this week. Nothing too major, but I just wanted to let you guys know that we know and that it will be rectified by next episode. But this is still one of my favorite episodes. We had a great time and I hope you enjoy it. Here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Keith Carey.

I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... A ghost's tampon! Yay! I don't even have red hair, but it still works. You just picture you just... Briggle it up in there. Yeah. I'm covered in menstrual ectoplasm.

I have wings! Blah. Ray, a tampon of this size represents a normal amount of paranormal activity in the state of New York. That's a big tampon. Hey, Ray, tell them about the tampon. I don't think my string is long enough for them to pull me out when they're done. It's a small dick joke. Yeah, we know.

I actually didn't get it because it was so juvenile. Because it was very poorly done. That's why I qualified it sardonically to try to detract from the initial effort. Welcome back to the Juvenile Dick Jokes Podcast, everybody. I'm glad we can stop dicking around. Hey! And just get to where we're really at. Welcome to Bonneville.

Which is the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. All right, I'll go first. Oh is the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. I'll go first. Oh, please. Truman Capote's ashes will be sold at auction in Hollywood. Joe Dosh was seen checking his bank account and polishing his Coke spoon. This is the idea of you railing Truman Capote and taking his powers. So funny.

I just have lines on my belly while wearing a pink robe on a Sunday. Like an old erudite fag of old. Anyway. A Pennsylvania man is accused of throwing a taco at a police officer after the wrongful impoundment of his car. This method of protest is the Keith Carey version

of a monk setting himself on fire. Oh my God. For great change must come great sacrifice. Like, instead of just stop the Vietnam War, it's because your mom bought the generic brand of cereal. I want real Froot Loops. These are poor people treats. Oh, you're wearing, like, a Gandhi robe, but it's just covered in pizza stains. Two teens in Dayton, Ohio robbed the woman carrying groceries, then pelted her with the potatoes she had just bought.

Local authorities say this is the least scientific way we've ever seen someone use a potato for a battery. God damn it, that's so good. Maybe my proudest moment in the Mexican Joga. Oh, wow. I spent so many times trying to figure out how to make it work. That's like a firework that fails to go off and you kick it and it explodes. NHL team the Minnesota Wild made Let's Go Crazy by Prince their new official goal song, which is also the closest a black man has ever come to playing hockey. Newark County Ice Rink.

A French couple claimed that their neighbors have been keeping gorillas in their homes for several years English supporters of Brexit argued the same point Oh my god I didn't do what they did I merely called attention to it That was only following orders Dude, there's this video online of Christoph Waltz just denouncing all the English

politicians who supported Brexit, and it's just... You've never came so hard in your life? Oh, dude, just an erudite Austrian man speaking disdainfully of others. It's so hot. About geopolitics. Yeah. Joe's touching himself. There's a point you just put, well, that makes sense. It's a head rat would

leave the ship first, and I'm just like, oh. I'm a Nazi, and even I think this was a bad idea. My butthole is ready. Anyway. I like that this is the only podcast where we've said butthole once and erudite twice. It's the sandwich. Butthole sandwich. It's the bologna between the bread.

Jesus, the Monte Crist hole. A girl who stabbed her classmate to appease the online horror character Slenderman has pled not guilty under the advice of illegal counsel Peto Bear Shapiro. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I love Connor's intros. Like a girl who stabbed a classmate. Oh, where are we going with this one? It tickles me. A Florida teen

survived an infection by a brain-eating parasite. His parents knew he was suffering from massive brain trauma when he asked them for tickets to see Connor McSpadden. As soon as brain parasites come into the mix, that's my KFC. Yeah, welcome to my hell. That's my Truman Capote's ashes.

A California woman was attacked by a shark after entering the ocean on her period within scent range of a feeding frenzy. The swimmer was saved after the shark was distracted by Olivia Grace entering the ocean off the coast of Japan. Oh, jeez. She's not even around to not be able to defend herself very well. Whatever. I'm on quaalude somehow a flood has destroyed the home of a louisiana preacher who claims god sends natural disasters to punish gay people and related news west hollywood overcome with a swarm of locusts

filled with amyl nitrate just make him uppity by the way uh i have found out and this is fucking up my sobriety rules that pop poppers count as drugs, everyone. What? I know. Wait, you didn't know that? Well, I... You thought it was like a cup of coffee for your butthole. Yeah, you don't think of them in that kind of... They're like the WD-40 for love.

And now I've got to like... No, that's what the loop is. Well, yeah. God grant me the serenity not to clench. Anyway. A judge ruled that paintings of Adam and Eve stolen by Nazis will remain in a Pasadena museum. This is the greatest art-related victory for the Nazis since the Geneva Convention allowed Hitler to be entombed with that painting of the dogs playing poker. One dog's going one way, that dog's pointing at a death camp.

A study found the United States ranks 26th in world infant mortality rates. Citizens were relieved to learn that the U.S. ranks first in turning other foods into pizza. We got cookie pizzas. Pizza gumbo. We got General Tso's pizza. Fuck literature. That's the only art we've provided? Just jazz and pizza

and even pizza's fucking italian one of my uh one of my friends second album jazz and pizza i'm gonna have a stroke pepperoni yeah stuff crust carry does sound like an old fucking trumpet player from the South. Stuffed Crust Kerry, pepperoni slim. The stuff they did with Coltrane, man, that shit was... Old greasy sausage, I'm tickling the average. Mass of work in me like my pancreas. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck.

Was that song in that one album, The Weird White Table that goes in the middle? My friends used to give me shit for only eating pizza when we were younger. I'm a notoriously picky eater, so one time they had chicken salad when I came over for dinner, and they arranged it sardonically in the shape of a pizza to spite me. That's pretty funny. What time this week did you learn the word sardonically? I've vaguely known what it meant for several months now. At the same time you found out that drugs were drugs?

Yeah, you fucking smug addict, you. Speaking of which, a Massachusetts narcotics smuggler has been caught by the DEA, despite the fact that he was wearing an elaborate old man disguise to go out in public. Officer Fudd says he is glad he's finally able to bring Drugs Bunny to justice. Coke season. Marijuana season. Math season. Tasmanian Devil comes through.

The Brady Bunch house in Los Angeles was burglarized this week. It's a story about a home invasion perpetrated by three Latino teens. They were working for computers or LCD flat screens. I'm imagining Danny Trejo takes the spot of Alice in the center square. An infection called Black Fever has reportedly killed over 30,000 people across Central Africa this year. The WHO is advising Black Fever to give up its killing spree and go back to being the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about. Wow. Keep space.

Oh, my God. This is the best Mexican joke I've ever heard. Oh, God, a lot of pressure. ISIS is training an army of children abducted from their parents to be suicide bombers. In his orientation to the group, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi saying, You've got to bomb a hostel or two. Okay, good.

You guys have seen all over the musical on film. I like the whole musical round. Well, honestly, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi does kind of look

like a fucking Middle Eastern faggot. He's only made one public appearance. I know too much about ISIS. My roommate is Ramsey. And all of them. We watched it twice in band, and it's been tattooed in my skull against my will since fucking eighth grade. Wow, that was a rousing Mexican joke off everybody.

It was. We will be right back after some bullshit. Spike TV is the only network by men for men 24-7. We brought you shows like Manswers, the Men's Choice Awards, and UFC's Next Top Fighter. And we're not finished yet. We're unzipping and whipping out our big, throbbing fall lineup. Mondays at 8, it's manliest catch. The bro-iest bros you can imagine.

Sailing the Atlantic in a lifted barge Catching the finest shrimp and crabs And sending them straight to Cabo for spring break Manliest Catch Do you even fish, bro? Tuesday nights, it's our newest medical drama Mansour Ward Move over, Gay's Anatomy

Because John Cena is Dr. Brad Chadley And he's throwing the rule book out the goddamn window. Dr. Chadley makes House look like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman if she was on her cowboy times, period. Give it to me straight, Dr. Chadley. Dude, Dr. Chadley's my father. Call me the mayor of Poundtown. But yeah, you're hella fucked, bro. Your lungs are shreddy, Van Halen.

You've got like six months. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I know this kind of news can be hard to hear. If you're a little bitch, alright, dude, I'm gonna go finger-pop one of these nurses. One love. And then Fridays, it's Buffalo Wild Wings presents

Men. Just men. Fucking other men. Big, swole beef pie buns going ham on jacked American balloon knots. It's the natural end point of this doomed exercise in toxic masculinity. To the max! Spike TV. We're so afraid of women that we have burned them on the funeral pyre of our own minds.

We will all die bitter and alone, drowning in a haze of bonk smoke and Dorito dust. Stay tuned for yet another rerun of Cops. Coming to movie theaters this summer. Hey, Lauren. Yeah, my parents are out of town all weekend. I have the whole house to myself. Hold on, I have another call. Hello?

Gross! You may think you're alone. Lauren, I'm sorry. Someone keeps calling me. What do you want already? But you can be called at any time. Please, please stop calling and farting in my ear. From the creators of Drag Me to Hell.

911, what is your emergency? Someone keeps calling and farting on me. No! And cabin in the woods. Ma'am, this is Officer Greenwood. We've traced the call. The calls are coming from inside the house, and the farts are coming from inside the butt.

What? There's a butt in the house. Get out of the house. This summer. Oh, my God! Ah! Butt dial. Rated PG-13 all right everybody mean boys returns with another fan submitted game of porn or yelp review this is the worst indian place in brent. This is our first Fancy Minute Game of Porn or Yelp review.

I don't know why I said another. I'm very excited. I am, too. I know. Keith, this is your baby. This is my baby. I have my standards for this. You've inspired imitators, just like a good shooter.

Exactly. Hooray. Go forth. This is like watching your daughter get fucked. Hey, Keith. This comes to us from right. Like we all do. Or, in your father's case, his son.

This is too real. Comes to us from Ryan Colby at Ryan Colby 1984 on Twitter. Porn or Yelp review number one. Mmm.

Que delicia. I don't care for that at all. Oh, I just picture like a dude in a white suit. Like whether this is about a big butt or a churro,

it's awful either way. It could be about both. I feel like this is aimed at a 15-year-old the person thinks is 17. I mean, a churro and a butt. I like churros, but they're so high

in cholesterol. Guy, kill yourself. This is a bit that I do with Keith where I try to sneak in the joke that churros are high in cholesterol whenever possible. I have heard that joke easily 50 times in the joke that churros are high in cholesterol whenever possible.

I have heard that joke easily 50 times in the past month. But it's been like two weeks, so I legitimately snuck it in on him today. Yeah, I can't believe we got that. So please tweet Keith the joke. Here's the joke. If anyone wants to slip it in anywhere or just pepper Keith's life with it in any kind

of surprising, unpleasant way, I like churros, but they're so high in cholesterol. I will block you. Any kind of churro pun. Shoot them all Keithy's way. I will block you and send emails to iTunes to make sure you cannot listen to this podcast anymore. I feel like you say, I will block you to an actual churro. We all know how that turns out.

Well, you know what? The people are just going to go to Google Play. They're going to go to TuneIn. They're going to go to Stitcher, Keith. You can't stop them. It's not the revolution Google Play. They're going to go to TuneIn. They're going to go to Stitcher, Keith. You can't stop them. It's not the revolution. Yeah.

Okay, Delizia. Porn comment or Yelp? I'm going to say porn, and I feel like this was said at a high school volleyball match. Christ. I'm going to say Yelp. The answer is porn. Comment left on a Devin Michaels versus Tanya Danielle sex wrestling match. Oh, okay. Yuck. I didn't even know there was sex wrestling. Oh, it's a thing. Okay.

I've heard of Battle Bang, where two dudes fight and the winner gets to fuck a lady. Oh, that sounds awesome. I once... I did see it, and I was like, Keith would love this. Do they fight naked? The dudes fight clothed. Oh, wait. It's like a straight guy site. I once deliberately lost a wrestling match in high school, because if I knew if I kept wrestling any harder, I knew a straight guy site. I once deliberately lost a wrestling match in high school because I knew if I kept

wrestling any harder, I knew I was going to cum. Joe, it took you this long to tell me? I felt like it was the thrill of victory. That's hilarious. Alright, number two porn commenter y'all preview. Hail Satan!

Hail Lucifer! Are we sure this isn't a Mean Boys comment? I know. RuPaul bag face. Hail Satan. Hail Lucifer. Hmm. That could be like...

I feel like that could be like a... Like a, you know, a zealous Christian like going to porn websites and trying to like convert people'sically, but then he ends up beating off all these there. Oh, that makes sense. I'm going to say porn. I'm going to say Yelp, but I think it's left on a review of somewhere very docile. The answer is porn. Comment left on a video entitled Sub Blonde Caged and Fucked.

Ah. I mean, if Satan's responsible. That explains it. If Satan's responsible for that, I'm on Team Satan. Yeah, you know, could get that. They'll believe that comes from Dante's Inferno. And what circle the hell is fucking the lady in his cage? She's caged and came on in the seventh circle with all the Simoners. Everyone knows the seventh circle's gaping.

The seventh gaping. Seriously, folks. I don't get gaping at all. I've never been like, hey, butts are cool. Let me see how the sausage is made. No, it. I don't get gaping at all. I've never been like, hey, butts are cool. Let me see how the sausage is made. No, it's a huge bummer.

Yeah. No good. I don't even like it. It's like, you know, tuck that in like a lady. Yeah. I've been in the yellow light of this situation. It's like yawning

without a fist in front of your mouth. It's like watching... You know when you watch a movie... This is rude. Is it contagious too? It's undignified. It's like when you watch a movie that's clearly Oscar bait is rude. Is it contagious, too? It's undignified. It's like when you watch a movie that's clearly Oscar bait and it's just trying so hard and all you can see is how hard it's trying.

Yeah. That's what gaping feels like. Gaping goes full retard. It's like, what do you want, a fucking trophy? You did your job. Moving on. I have opinions. Number three.

His hand lingered close to my groin and on my bottom. 100% Yelp. This was like a handsy roller coaster harness adjuster. I'm going to say Yelp. A roller coaster harness adjuster. This is a guy who no longer is employed at Knott's Berry Farm. I'm going to say Yelp. Connor, remember when me and you went on that roller coaster in San Diego that I did not fit on?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. It was just the presence of a man being sawed in half with a blunt object. And it was this poor 15 year old Mexican girl who had to like was just trying so hard because she did not want to tell the fat man he couldn't ride the whirligig. Oh no. It was the most

painful 45 seconds of my life. Well yeah, Keith gets off and he's just like I need to not be on earth right now. It was the worst. So did the bar just not fit the bar it was not it was an old ass roller coaster you could have fallen out no i mean they got it on they just had to like crush into gut like they bifurcated my stomach like it was like i had two times that's what it's gonna be like when they put like his like his stomach it looked like like

when you start playing guitar and you get a callus and there's a dent in your finger? My stomach was like Homer Simpson's mouth eating like a horse bit. Like... Oh, the poor dear. Okay. Yeah, she's the victim. Yeah, she is. Well, yeah, she had to fucking take out her converse and stomp on the bar until it fucking broke a person. That's not a great day at work. How many peanut M&M's did you eat today? She is the victim. The poor dear.

Number four. Hey, Pizza Breath. I love this game. We never even found out what that other one was. Oh, yeah. This is the thing about the Mean Boys games. Nobody keeps score. They're just conversation starters. Yelp review.

This one is from the review of Touch Fusion Massage in Seattle. Ah. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Pizza Breath is our next one. Number four Massage in Seattle. Ah. Yeah. Okay. And Hey There Pizza Breath is our next one. And number four is just Hey Pizza Breath.

Hmm. I would have said porn commenter Hey Arnold quote, but... I can see this being like a feeder porn thing. Rejected weird Al draft

of Hey There Delilah. Is it like Hey There Jemima about pancakes or something? He's just got a gun to his head. I don't care if all you have is food.

It's the 80s. We need our song parodies where the fucking Contras will kill again. I don't know history. I was two when that happened. They already gave him

a bunch of weapons and we got weird ass. I'm going to say I'm going to say porn on the rationale that this is some kind of weird theater porn. I'm going to say Yelp again rationale this is some kind of weird theater porn I'm going to say Yelp again Alright the answer is porn Part of a comment left by Cheerleader Wife

On the video Pizza Party Wife Okay I'm literally I want everyone to see this I'm writing Pizza Party Wife porn down on my phone Because I need to know what that is That sounds just very wholesome It's like Stepford-ish almost. Pizza party.

I'm going to watch porn where people are eating pizza. I got real naughty gals. And all the Red Hat Society ladies giggled. And Shelby, so I'm going to squirt.

Yeah, we get it. Their porn isn't hardcore enough for you guys. Connor, you're like a male Red Hat Society lady. The men's Christian temperance union. There you go. You see, causing a ruckus at a museum.

Number five. At least she got the nutrients she needs. Well, that's porn. That's for sure porn. That's for... The answer is porn. Yeah, that's a cheeky point. Comment left by XJKFancy on a video entitled

Anal Food Play. Oh, well, I would have thought he was talking about Technically, is it all anal play, anal food play? Yeah.

In the long run. Man, that's fucking times a flat circle, Kerry. You got me thinking times a flat circle. True dick tag, Kerry. The fucking,

the food pyramid's a diamond if you wait long enough. Moving on. Times a flat circle and Stacy's got a gaped circle. Number six, the final question.

We slab each other with vibrators and put dildos on top of each other's heads. You know what? This is a trick. This is Ryan Colby getting saucy. This is a Yelp review for a porn store. That's what I'm going to say. That was my initial instinct. I'm going to give Ryan Colby a lot of credit right now.

We're going to find out if I'm right. I think it's a double fake-out. It's actually a porn comment, but he knows we're smart. Let's see. Keith's faith in humanity fails him once again. It is a Yelp review. Yay, Ryan's stupid. From a Yelp review of Spanky's Adult Emporium.

Here's some fun background. Oh, yeah. That was the first book show I ever did when I was 18 years old. I met Keith Carey in the parking lot, my good friend Evan Cassidy in the parking lot of that show. It was the first show I ever did. I performed in front of like 12 creeps eating hot dogs in the parking lot of a sex store. And it's been all lateral from there. I did that show holding a rubber fist.

You did, yeah. Yeah. And look how far we've all come. Man, that actually made me all nostalgic. I know. I read that when I was going through the game and I was like oh man I can't wait to remind Keith

about that yeah one of our one of our many um oh god somebody we're just gonna have to have Connor and Keith's memory lane well how wretchedly precious for real all right

here's your alternate title here's I feel I feel so horrible leaving the fans in a moment of sincerity too many feelings eat a bag of nails fag dick. 9-11 never happens.

Goodbye. Ah, yes. A most fine event, wouldn't you say, Danforth? Indeed, sir. I would, sir. Yes, the Chester Corn Humanitarian Ball is the talk of the town, and I intend to make quite an impression this year. Yes, sir.

Yes, I... Danforth! Look to your left! That's Worthington, my prime social rival! Yes, sir. Oh, how he loves to humiliate me, Danforth. But I mustn't let him ruin this night. It's my one opportunity to impress the Countess. Indeed, sir. Hello, Billingsley.

Hello, Countess. And what charity shall you be supporting tonight? I shall be making a donation to the Black Flu of Eastern Moldovia. It is a most terrible affliction with a 73% mortality rate. Oh, top notch. Top notch. Hello, Billingsley. Worthington. Oh, good evening, Mr. Worthington.

What charity shall you be supporting? Oh, I too shall be making a donation to a terrible endemic disease. I believe its mortality rate is 74%? Oh, my. Worthington! The next day. Listen, Danforth. Today is the day of the Manchester Dog Show,

and I must redeem myself in the eyes of the Countess. Yes, of course, sir. Hello, Billingsley. Grand to see you competing at Manchester. Well, hello, Countess. I see you are judging once again. Yes, yes, yes. I'm about to examine your poodle presently, Billingsley. Periwinkle.

What an adorable name. I trust you've had her properly spayed, Billingsley. Yes, yes, of course. I have the documentation right there. My beloved Periwinkle was just spayed last week. And the attending veterinarian? A Mr. Hubert F. Worthington.

Oh, dear God, no. Hmm, let's have a look at your anal glands, Periwinkle. Oh, heavens! Billingsley, your poodle has just menstruated directly into my open mouth! I'll not be rid of the taste of this in a month's time! Oh, goodness gracious! Perhaps you are lucky, Countess. Though your mouth no doubt tastes of pennies, I'm sure it's not as cheap a flavor as Billingsley's hors d'oeuvres. Oh, I enjoy that joke a lot.

Worthington! The next day. I've had it, Danforth. I've had it, I say. I'll not suffer another indignity at the hands of the contemptible Worthington. Oh, but I intend to silence him once and for all, Danforth. You see, I intend to cuggle Worthington and have relations with his wife.

Are you quite sure you ought to do so, sir? Gravely certain, Danforth. Worthington has made a mockery of me in front of the ladies of the gentry of the court for decades. And it ends tonight, Danforth. It ends tonight, I say. Oh, yes, how delightful and quite erotic. What is that sound? My God, sweet Eleanor!

He's beat me to it, Danforth! Worthington has made a cuckoo to me with my sweet Eleanor, Danforth! I'll send you to the grave, Worthington! Where are you, you fiend? Wait, Danforth. Worthington and Eleanor aren't here. Danforth, there's just a tape recorder playing Worthington's voice in my bed Danforth, what could be the meaning of this?

Danforth, my god You're unzipping your own flesh, Danforth You are another man wearing a Danforth suit, Danforth Hello, Billingsley Worthington, what in the devil's name? My apologies, Billingsley I couldn't help What in the devil's name? My apologies, Billingsley I couldn't help but overhear your plan to humiliate me You see, while you were executing your pedestrian attempt to cuckold me

I've been impersonating your beloved butler Danforth for over 20 years You mean all this time? Yes Oh, romancing my wife is a fine plan for a man of your intellect But I prefer to shatter your entire sense of trust in reality. You were a pallbearer at my father's funeral! Indeed. So go ahead, cuckold my wife if you wish. It is a small price to pay to know you'll now find the very foundations of your existence impossible to accept.

Ta-ta, Billingsley. Ta-ta. Worthington! Well, hey, everybody. Welcome back to Mean Boys. It's time for our final closing game, which is the following. And I... Oh, right, I'm running the thing. All right, leaving this in.

We always offer to take responsibility from Connor, and as soon as we take a fragment of it, we fail. Well, it's like Connor's bad at reading out loud. I forget the fundamental nature of the program. I'm bad at speaking. Okay. This was made by our good fan

Joel D. He wrote this for me to be the quiz master of and by God, I write over this and this is just some fine work. This is right up my alley.

I believe he's at death to the filth on Twitter if you'd like to follow him. At death to the filth, indeed. Which of the following for today is

which of the following are not old-timey insults? Ooh, yeah. That's going to be a lot of fun. He's a man after my own iron. Okay, round one. A, ladlegger, a homosexual pedophile who preys on young boys.

B, bed swerver, an adulterer. C, driggle-draggle, an untidy woman. D, loiter sack sack a lazy good for nothing a ne'er-do-well if you will loiter sack that is the worst Adult Swim

original program loiter sack is what I call the trash bag with all my clothes in it in my fucking living room right now they're stoned

when they watch it fuck it driggle draggle sounds like the sound Tom Goss should make when he walks yeah that's how you have to say that three times to get into Tom's house it always Wriggle draggle sounds like the sound Tom Goss should make when he walks.

That's how you have to say that three times to get into Tom's house. Ah, there's spirits, whatever. Yeah, it's better than the riddles. Before I got the fucking magical locksmith to change the gateway pill. That was a ha. There's this troll. He's got a real fucking attitude. You think you're better than me?

Because you read some Laffy Taffy's? Go fuck yourself. Oh, by the way, guys, I traveled through the Pacific Northwest with Mr. Tom Goss this weekend. And I'll get to it later. Here's a favorite quote. You can play Russian roulette with a crossbow. You're going to lose, but you can still play it. How like life. Russian roulette with a crossbow.

That's an inspirational quote. The Herzog-Goss debates. I want that on an inspirational poster. Oh my god, we should definitely do that. I'm going to say Ladlegger. I'm going to say Bedswerver. The correct answer is A, Ladlegger. Yeah.

Although I'd like to bring a real Ladlegger. The Ladlegger's down 6th Street. That's where the trolleys don't run. It's a lot like a night at Hamburger Mary's. Alright, round two, which the following is not real old-timey slang. Oh, and one more Tom Goss thing. He called crabs pinch-you-frogs and kombucha snot Gatorade.

Okay. Pinch-you-frogs. He also was trying to describe Oregon and he called it Beach, Kansas. God damn. it Beach Kansas. God damn. Beach Kansas. I had a good 72 hours of this. Beautiful moron. What a wonderful life we live.

Anyway, round two. A. Wiffle Waffle. A time wasting ditherer. That has to be for bisexuals instead. Keith Carey, you Wiffle Waffle. And I'm just a waffle waffle. That's the sound that I feel like you would make if you were a cartoon character.

Waffle waffle waffle. B. Fusty Lugs, a gross corpulent woman. By the way, I love how the descriptions are all timey too. C. A lover... I thought we were done Olivia bashing on the show today. C. A lubberwort, a lethargic fuzzy-minded person. I thought we were done Olivia bashing on the show. C. Lubberwart.

A lethargic, fuzzy-minded person. D. A draggerwine. A hesitant. A footdragger. Oof. Go through them one more time real quick. Wiffle Waffle.

Fusty Lugs. Lubberwart. Draggerwine. I'm going to go Fusty Lugs. I'm also going to go Fusty Lugs. The correct answer is Draggerwine. A hesitant footdragger. Fusty Lugs. This is amazing. This guy is... This is veryy lungs. The correct answer is dragger wine. A hesitant foot dragger. Fusty lungs.

This is amazing. This guy is, this is very well done. Yeah, this is. At death to the filth. Fine, finally constructed. I mean, this is impressive even for me, and all I do is just pick up shit from fucking Boardwalk Empire and Ken Burns. Anyway, round three, which is the following, is not old-timey slang.

A. A bespaller. Spits when they talk. B. Mumblecrust, a toothless beggar. C. Patty O. the sheep, a shepherd who's way too close to his flock. Mmm, bawdy. D. A nashgab

only ever seems to complain. A fuckin' nashgab! Yeah, that's a dice-clay punchline. They used to run that on TruTV. What's the second one again? Uh, Mumblecrust. Mumblecrust sounds like a genre of

band that I would try and choke on or he would hate. Oh god, yeah. These are fucking Mumblecrust albums in my living room. All the Mumblecrust punks of World War I. Just skimming on the western front. I gotta say mumble crust. I'm gonna say... First of all, this is only for you and me. Antri-Gex and Jihad sounds like it should be a mumble crust.

Oh, God. I saw them last night and they're great. Shut up. Second of all, I'm gonna say patio the field or whatever. The correct answer is patio the sheep. The first correct answer. God damn, we're getting assed. Oh, I got the first one right. Anyway.

Excuse me. Round four, which the following assed. Oh, I got the first one right. Anyway. Excuse me. Round four, which the following is not real old-timey slang. A. A dew beater. A clumsy, awkward person. B. A ghillie wetfoot. A swindler.

Again, this sounds like it should be a gay missing person. There's a ghillie left foot. All of these sound like Pokemon. Let the sun hang around them ghillie wet foots. C. Why did you do, Beater? A yaldson, son of a whore.

And D. A wager mat, a compulsive gambler. What's that third one? A yaldson. A spell? Y-A-L-D-S-O-N. Country of origin? From a shitty James Joyce novel I pretended to read.

Pretend I'm smarter than you. Don't say you've read Finnegan's Weight. You haven't. One of my favorites. You know what? I actually have, and it's bullshit. It's 600 pages of bullshit, but by God, did it justify my own smugness. Yeah, you're like trying to immunize yourself against people trying to think they're better than you.

Exactly. Oh, man. I'm going to say... I think wager met. What was B again? A gilly wet foot. A. Correct answer is D, wager met.

Yay. All right. Now, he changed it up for the last round here, everyone. As it says, I changed things up a little here. Oh, yes, I forgot about that. I know. He said, which word completes the following sentence?

Keith Carey, you're not but a A. Tallow catch. A fat person. Literally a barrel of fat. B. A stifilist. A person who absolutely reeks of filth. C. Muck spout. Someone who does nothingeks of filth. C. Muckspout.

Someone who does nothing but swear. D. A gaupen full of anything. A person who is a medley of everything absurd. E. All of the above. I gotta go E. I gotta figure it's E.

Well, actually, he wrote D. A gaupenful of anything. And I don't know why. Because you're wrong. Fucking Death to the Filth is E. Tallow Catch is outstanding. Tallow Catch is just perfect. Is that a boy he made up?

Tallow Catch? Because if so, he should be a mean boy. Well, anyway, that's Witch of the Falling, everybody. Good work, Death to the Filth. Death to the Filth. Fucking hats off to you. That was fantastic. Yeah.

Oh, man. You can get a job with the things I'll never work on. Death to the filth. Fucking hats off to you. That was fantastic. Yeah. Oh, man. You can get a job with the things I'll never work on because of security. Yeah. I believe I said that off air while we were reading the Billingsley

versus Worthington sketch. I said, Joe, you'll never have a writing job because you can only do this. Yeah. So for the love of God, make us a Patreon and subscribe to it.

Yeah. Subscribe. Subscribe. You can't write for nothing, you buffoon. Subscribitize to our podcast-a-tron. We have an episode title. Subscribute.

I hung out with Tom for three days and now I've went back to greeting levels. Don't rub off on you. There's no known cure. We do have a... I got bit by a stupid or more obscure person once.

Here I am, though. We do have a special fan-submitted character piece. We have... I'll just say that this is a voicemail from Karnak, so let's take a listen. You have one new message.

First message. Jennifer, you wretched spawn of a thousand whores. How are you? Listen, listen. I know you said to cease calling, but hear me out. We were good together, you and I. We danced to the burned ruins of the Hellmouth. We sacrificed an entire preschool to Moloch. We fucked to put up the dismembered corpse

of your abusive father. I even introduced you to my mother's decapitated head, and she liked you. Now you say you've moved on. You've had closure. I've even seen the book of faces that you've taken a new lover, Greg. If Greg is truly worthy of you, he will face me on the field of battle where I shall cut off his head and force him to watch me violate the stump of his neck as the light fades from his eyes. We belong together, Jennifer.

We could have been... You could have had my spawn chew their way out of your womb. Barkeep, 15 more shots of fireball in hurry lest you join your patrons in the fires of hell. Alright, I'm recording. That was fucking fantastic.

That was great. That was like Shatner and Christopher Moltisanti was your Karnak. Hey, I feel like Karnak might be on his way in in case Connor needs to move the microphone. Oh, okay. I feel like Connor has to Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Richard Faggott! You dare impersonate Oh, okay. I feel like Connor has it. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Wretched faggot! You dare impersonate your god king?

Your Karnak sounds like that most wretched of beasts, the taxi cab from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. You know nothing of my work! Goodbye! Oh, shit. I forgot my hat! Oh, God. Do you guys validate parking?

Okay, I'm really going now. Card, I get street sweeping. You should probably move your car. God damn it! Whose cat is this? Because it ran away! Oh, God. Your cat is gone!

Oh, God. I feel like... Anyway, thanks, asshole! I feel like Carnock would like appropriate parking enforcement like the fucking Arvin in Vietnam. They fight for me now. They're on rule.

Wow, great fan submissions this week. Oh my god, we had the Witch of the Falling, the Porn of Yelp, we had the Carnock

voicemail. You guys are fucking great. We barely did anything. This was awesome. You guys can just start entertaining

each other. We're really just a service that connects like-minded fucking hell-down people. We're just a diarrhea aggregator. Oh, I know, yeah. Jeez, speaking of which, Joe, you have any upcoming shows? Uh, yeah.

Oh, slammed! Oh, just a lovely show trying to connect people who bought the fucking anarchist cookbook with cash. Anyway, I, uh, yeah, I'm going to be in Vegas for the World Series of Comedy next week. I am also going to be... Fuck, I'm going to be in the Tahoe Improv on the second weekend in September. Well, I'll be middling that whole week, so that'll be fun.

Go check that out. Very cool. Keith Higgins? Yeah, Thursday night, August 25th at 10 o'clock, I will be at the Pack Theater in Los Angeles doing Set List, improvised stand-up comedy with Sam Brown from Whitest Kids You Know. September 9th at 10 o'clock I will be at the Pack Theater in Los Angeles doing Set List improvised stand-up comedy with Sam Brown

from White as Kids You Know September 9th and 10th I'll be at the Madhouse in San Diego and September 27th I will be back at the Roast Battle at the Comedy Store

fighting a friend of the show Robin Tran Yay! Very, very excited about that I forgot to I actually have a decent show I'd like to program I'm going to be at

the Venice Underground Wednesday night I believe that's the night this will premiere That's actually a very, very good show. Fantastic show. Check it out. Nice hip audience and a very old-timey decor, which is perfect for Joe's act.

This Thursday, August 25th, I'll be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory at 8 o'clock. This Friday, I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club at 10 o'clock. Saturday, I'll be in Merced, California, because I deserve myself. And Sunday, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego at 7 p.m. And then the next week, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego at 7 p.m. And then the next week I'll be at the Madhouse for four shows, Friday and Saturday. Oh, yeah. Next Thursday I'm headlining the Comedy Underground in Santa Ana and the Riviera in La Mesa after that. So two chances to check me out doing some long skits on next Thursday.

And next Wednesday I'm at 3rd Street Live in Temecula at 8 o'clock. Sweet. Other than that, fucking follow the show on Twitter. We got a nice group of upsetting people that tweet us too much shit so if you guys could just entertain each other so we don't have to listen to you that would be fantastic.

Family. Anyone who has any direct line of contact to the Gathering of the Juggalos, please put in a good word. We'll be repeating. We're like a vassal of the Gathering of the Juggalos. Like Shaggy a good word. We'll be repeating... Start tweeting Juggalos for us. We're like a vassal of the Gathering of the Juggalos. Like Shaggy 2-Dope is our liege lord. Yeah.

He should kneel when he passes by. Exactly. Like, we're... Yeah, we set up our own... We're acolytes of them. Yeah, we don't want to go mock the Juggalos.

We just want to be loved. Yeah, yeah. Like, we're holding lands for them. Here's an idea. My friend Leigh Canauer tweeted Kevin Smith for 233 days in a row

until he put her in Mallrats 2, and he agreed to do it. Let's tweet the Juggalos every day. Totally let us perform at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Are you guys down for that? Are we down? Let's do it. All right, guys. Hey, Mean Boys fans, get us on the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Be tweeting them all you can. Just make them aware of our presence. We will be tweeting it from the official. Okay, look, whoever does it every day, from the Mean Boys Twitter feed, we'll be tweeting the Juggalos, fucking ICP, Shaggy2Dope, and what's-his-face. Probably should learn his name

before I request to be in his gathering, but he knows I'm a big fan of him. Shaggy2Dope and the rest. This can go horribly wrong. Shaggy2Dope and Oates. This is like the first act of a fable. Like, this can go horribly awry on us boys. Look, I know I'm just going to turn into the Colonel Kurtz of edgy podcasts.

Stuck at the gathering of the Juggalos. I saw a pile of spray-painted faces and I wept like some grandmother. We had a grocery clerk sent to get Faygo from the back. Only true dope dope ass clowns have the will to do that and only true dope ass clowns leave us a five star review on iTunes even I

want our show to fail now they sure do alright after that commercial sponsor fuck everything God is dead.