Mean Boys - EP 32 - Friends of Chaos
Episode Date: August 24, 2016Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, A game of “Is This Domain Name Taken” by Daryl Williams, “The Air Bud Contra Affair�...��, “Carnok Fundraising Campaign”, a game of “Which of the Following” with Anal Cunt song titles by @FetusChrist AND the long awaited rhubarb taste test. Check out ads and sketches from every podcast on the Mean Boys YouTube Channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Buy the new Carnok 2016 T Shirt (https://teespring.com/carnok-2016#pid=369&cid=6521&sid=front) Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey everybody, it's Keith with the Mean Boys Podcast.
Before we get into this week's episode, just a couple things.
Number one, all of our sketches and which of the following games are now available on YouTube.
So if you like a piece, you want to send it to a friend,
you don't have to make them wait through the whole fucking show anymore.
Just send them the piece, it's all on the Mean Boys Podcast YouTube channel.
Also, we are selling our first t-shirt.
There is a Carnock Dawson 16 campaign t-shirt available for sale.
All the proceeds from that go to
keeping this show afloat. Please check it out.
We have a link in the show notes. It's also on
our Twitter. Other than that, feel free
to drop us a line as always or follow
us on Twitter and tell a friend.
Review the show on iTunes. Fuck you. Eat a
dick. Goodbye. Here's the thing. Hey everyone, agony is the only thing that can purge the sins off your soul.
My name is Joe Dosh.
I'm Connor McSpadden.
And I'm...
A flesh dollop.
Dollop sounds like the noise that I would make when I walk. Dollop I'm a flesh dollop. Dollop sounds like the noise that I
would make when I walk.
Dollop, dollop, dollop.
You're the cool
whip of hell's picnic.
Just festering.
People just spreading you on rocks
as they break their teeth. The devil takes
us like two scoops of raisin spoon out of the
abyss.
With this dolloping you will do my bidding.
Whoa.
My form is constantly shifting to a worse one.
I was bad in a previous life.
Neither liquid nor solid.
What fresh hell is this?
Oh, my God.
Some disgusting fifth state of matter
beyond gas or plasma.
It is Carrie.
I have filthed beyond the bounds of physics.
It's like you would go into the podiatrist and be like,
Carrie, you've been dolloping around when you lock.
Your arches are destroyed.
You're going to need to get...
We learned that the Adams and Keith Carey expand to fit the shape of their superhero t-shirt.
It's plasma, you see.
Little insight into Joe's psyche.
He texted me this about eight hours after the last time we recorded.
He just couldn't wait.
He was all excited.
And I'm being all coy about it today.
Like, oh, well, I guess I got an opening slam.
The funny thing is I can look back and see you posted some dumb status about a dollop.
I'm like, oh, that was the seed of all this.
Well, Joe just gets obsessed with certain words or phrases,
and they just rattle around his evil skull
until he polishes them like a fucking river.
That's a lot of room in there.
Just got to make hay while the sun is shining
and then use it to burn down the barn.
Speaking of which, the Mexican joke-off.
Ay, so topical.
I can take it away.
Oh, okay.
All right, everybody.
ISIS booby-trapped a Syrian home with over 100 landmines,
hiding them in the refrigerator, beds, and under the teapots.
The U.S. Coalition is on the lookout for Abu Kevin Al-Makalister.
Oh, very good.
Scientists have discovered a 145-year-old Indonesian man,
locating the man with symbols they merely hacked into Joe Dosh's grinder matches.
An earthquake in Italy has claimed 291 lives.
State hospitals are offering free counseling to anybody impacted by the trauma me. The foolproof Mexican Joe Bob recipe is serious tragedy, wordplay with sing-songy endings.
Just stick it.
Just give it a 10.
A study finds nearly 5% of Utah children have never been vaccinated.
Authorities attribute the increase in death rates to lattes and cuss words.
A preacher who praised the Orlando Massacre
was arrested for child molestation charges.
Turns out some same-sex intercourse
really makes his club pulse.
Boo.
We have gone two months since Gay 9-11
and no one has put together
the fucking saucy wordplay of his club policy.
That's like an ant joke.
Well, you know, it was inspired because I was thinking about the leaked photos of Kanye's dick and how club-like it is,
where it's just so much fatter at the end than it is at the base.
And then I'm pulsing, and I was thinking of orgasms that come and and I just it just hit me like E equals MC squared.
You're taking us through the process
of that boner joke.
Inside the cunt studio.
Speaking of that
incident actually, Orlando hospitals
have announced they will not be billing victims
of the Pulse nightclub shooting saying
quote, please your money is no good here
and neither is your blood.
Oh my god.
Oh, Kerry, that is
outstanding. Oh, mercy.
Oh, setting the bar high.
A Florida man survived a
lightning strike, spider bite, and snake bite.
Tom Goss remarked, lightning spider
snakes? That guy's gotta move out of space Australia.
Space Australia? I don't get it. What is that?
Yeah, he nailed the Space Australian Towns game that the fans sent in.
Two men were arrested for walking around Inglewood wearing full body armor and holding assault rifles.
They told the arresting officers they were merely on their way to a martial law costume party.
Newark County Landfill.
I don't remember where Newark County Costume Party. I don't
remember where Newark County Landfill was. I made a
joke about one of the mob wives
dying and being buried at Newark County Landfill.
Yeah. Okay.
New research shows that the Zika virus
Glad I heard that.
New research shows that the Zika virus may be
transmittable via sexual activity.
Said a giant mosquito in a sexy lady costume.
Quote, that's a load of hooey. Now who wants to
buy me a drink?
I like anthropomorphizing
Zika and then just making it
into the part of the mosquito agenda.
The CDC
has discovered mosquitoes are transmitting the virus
versus the Bugs Bunny method.
Literally Bugs Bunny.
We have a Mexican joke off on that, Kerry.
Oh, shit. A study discovered the
Zika virus can survive in a woman's vaginal
mucus 11 days after initial infection.
CDC official Andrew Dice Clay
remarked, and my whores, it'll last for
22. Get it? There's more
mucus in a cunt.
Oh, good. Nothing
harder than following
the real Dice Clay is following a Dice Clay joke
in the Mexican Joe file.
I just want to offer up a challenge real quick. I know we have some fans with
too much free time on their hands. We've used two
punchlines a crazy amount of
times on this show, which are something
Dice Clay and Abu Al
something around there. And I want somebody to find out which one we've used more. Oh, yeah. Curse the numbers. Because they both work 300% on this show, which are Something Dice Clay and Abu Al Something Around There.
And I want somebody to find out which one we've used more.
Oh, yeah. Curse the numbers.
Because they both work 300% of the time.
Get on it, you autistic twerps.
Yeah, I got to give the fucking sand faggin'.
You remember from Oliver last week?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
The B-Boys has gone two episodes without an Oliver reference.
We do need to have like five OSHA calendars for all our motifs.
Musical parodies, ISIS.
Ross Suewich has been leaking into the Baltimore Harbor for the past seven days.
The Department of Public Works plans to shut down the beach so they can retrieve and dispose of all copies of Keith Carey's Forever Nap.
Oh, the shade of it all.
Sources claim Donald Trump's campaign advisor made anti-Semitic remarks.
In related news, a bear was seen shitting in the woods.
Okay, New Yorker, Carey.
Yeah.
Let's see.
A German-based halal soft drink company has been accused of financing radical Islamist groups.
To avoid controversy, the company is rebranding its soda as ISIS Fanta.
Don't you wanna, wanna jihad?
A year and a half into the U.S.-backed Saudi Arabian
bombings in Yemen,
this is the longest joke I've ever written,
but I really think it's worth it.
I'm going to ride it out with you.
A year and a half into the U.S.-backed Saudi Arabian
bombings in Yemen, the death toll is reverting so high the the Red Cross has started donating morgues to Yemeni hospitals.
An organization that audits charities declared the Red Cross the person who brings paper plates to a potluck of humanitarianism.
That's real good.
And finally, a truck carrying several tons of generic brand mayonnaise overturned on a Toronto highway.
Connor McSpedden has started a Go go fund me for a new tour bus.
Eat a bag of dicks.
Can I,
I wasn't,
I wasn't going to do this cause I swear I've been trying to less write fewer
jokes about the two of you,
but just since we're on the,
can I sneak one in?
for sure.
Yes.
The unicorn pub.
This is what this means that you just wrote this one for yourself.
The unicorn pub of London had its prized fiberglass pig, Henry,
returned to it after it was stolen by a patron.
It was the most notorious case of pig jacking since Kayla jerked off Keith on the 605.
Pig jacking
Pig jacking is for sure something you make
A man in a polo shirt with salt and pepper hair
Do to you
I swear to god every week
I go I'm not going to write a Keith is fat joke
Because I'm feeling bad about it
But then there's something the first headline is
A big biomass
A pig was stolen.
God doesn't want me to feel good.
He wouldn't have shaped me like this if he wanted me to have joy.
Oreos found to cause cancer of the brain.
And you're like, okay, well, something, something. A ham-splosion outside of Bakersfield.
Oh, well, Jesus Christ.
What am I going to do?
Let this softball go right past me into the catcher's mitt?
Porkbelly tsunami.
Is that your drag name you're working on?
The Mean Boys will be right back.
What happened to America?
Used to be a darn fine place to raise a family.
A country you could really be proud of, you know?
But with all these jokers and shysters in Washington,
old lady America's fallen on hard luck. And in these turbulent times, we need a strong leader.
A dedicated leader. A leader who's not afraid to get his hands dirty with the blood of his enemies.
A leader that will defile the temples of the gods of Oldenville, their communion goblets with fire
ants. That's why I love Carnock. You see, Carnock's not like these fat cats and flip-floppers we've
got in office now. No, sir, Carnock's not a politician. He's an ancient god of war from
another dimension who has set his bloodthirsty eyes on taking America as his own. And me? Well,
I like a man who goes after what he wants. Carnock isn't concerned with petty things like universal
health cares or deciding if queers can get married, Carnock is dedicated to building a wall to protect the borders of this nation from the real enemies of freedom,
the zombie servants of the dreaded Spider King.
Carnock keeps his word 100%.
If he says he'll have your skin removed with a cat and nine tails for heresy against the Bloodfeaster,
then by golly, he'll have your skin removed with a cat and nine tails for heresy against the bloodfeaster.
That's the real truth.
Or my name isn't...
I don't know, I want to say Glenn, maybe?
Whatever the most American name is.
Anyway, together with his vice presidential candidate, Tyler Dawson,
a teenage Satanist who may or may not be guilty of some pretty horrific murders,
Carnock's taking control of this country one vote at a time.
Surrender your putrid freedom and prostrate yourself at the feet of the bloodfeaster.
It's what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.
If you're interested in supporting the campaign, well heck, what am I droning on for?
Let's hear it from the man himself.
Wretched pig children! Karnak is your blood-soaked messiah!
Your tributes of gold, spices, and whores
are both appreciated and mandatory.
But the campaign is still in need of more treasure.
This ad space doesn't fucking buy itself.
Therefore, we have designed a t-shirt most foul
that you may wear upon your body
before I destroy it with knife wounds.
The Carnock Dawson campaign t-shirt
is only available until September 19th,
at which point it will disappear back
into the void from whence it came.
Seriously, it's a fucking dope shirt.
It's 20 bucks, and it'll help keep the campaign going
and keep the Mean Boys podcast online
so we can spread the word.
Click the link in the show notes
or go to the Mean Boys Twitter page to buy it.
Otherwise, when me and Carnock
win, I'll burn your house down
and do weird stuff to your daughter's
butt. Once September
19th rolls around, it'll be
gone forever, so don't wait.
Slavery is salvation!
The blood moon shines upon all of
Carnock's bastards! Buy your
shirt, pledge your loyalty,
and together we will make America bleed again.
All right, here's your stupid podcast
or whatever, you fucking dorks.
All right, everybody,
the Mean Boys podcast is back,
and we are going to be playing
a fan-submitted game of
Is This Domain Name Taken?
Is this bacon? Fat guts shakin'. Now it's time of Is This Domain Name Taken? Is this bacon? Fat guts
shaken. Now it's time
for Is This Domain Taken?
That is our brand new jingle.
Unfortunately.
Very underproduced. It's lo-fi, dude.
It's like an early Sonic Youth album.
I mean, I want to hate it, but
the real reason is because it's a mirror.
You know.
Yeah.
This is what we've inspired in people
Any interaction with our fans we're like oh my god these wretched people
And then we realize like oh this is a fucking echo chamber
For ourselves
There's that story about like the Sex Pistols played a show in like 76
And there were only like 8 people there but they all started
The most important bands of all time
8 people heard this podcast and that's what we got out of it
Well what does bacon
Or fat cuts shaken
I mean I'm assuming those are like vague Keith slams I mean they're not not Well, what is bacon or fat cuts shaken?
I mean, I'm assuming those are like vague Keith slams.
I mean, they're not not.
Well, look, here's the thing.
We said that if someone sent us a jingle, we will use it.
If someone sends us a better jingle, we will also use that.
I believe Alex Yorchak is working on one, but he's all like, oh, I don't know.
It's not quite ready yet. It's like, dude, you are familiar with the show.
Yeah.
Ryan Colby has been on
15 times. We just upgraded
and started making the show in a kitchen.
I know. We just got out of
a subterranean recording environment.
We have reached
Earth. Yeah, we're really
excited about 32 episodes and doing
it at sea level. Moving on
up from the spider zone.
It's a grasshopper quadrant.
And we didn't move
because we got better.
We just moved
because Tom moved
into our basement.
We got gentrified
out of a basement
by Tom Goss.
We're pieces of shit.
And we shit on you
every week
and you still...
I don't get it.
There's some bullshit
about the internet.
Well, that was from
Daryl Williams from This Comics Life podcast.
Thanks, Daryl Williams.
So, yeah, thank you for sending in the game.
The game, he had a lot of shit that was pretty obvious, so it's kind of half him, half me.
So I did a little tweak, and he had some interesting stuff in there.
Right out of the gate, ungrateful.
Yeah, we are real mean.
Rightfully so.
I'm just being honest.
I don't want him to listen and be like, hey, I didn't say the spankinglibrary.com, you know?
You know, that would ruin his day, which, again, very depressing.
Hey, Daryl, thank you, but I don't know.
Here's why I changed it, because I wanted the show to be good, all right?
And without you, it wouldn't have been good.
Does that make sense to you?
Does that make sense in your dumb brain?
Did I just blow your small mind?
This is a big request to just alienate our already dwindling fan base.
One person at a time.
If we're not alienating them, we're making them strong.
It's the opposite of a kissing booth, what we're doing here.
No, look, anyone who sticks on is really with us.
I'm sure glad that I launched this tirade as soon as we started trying to sell things for the first time get your car neck dawson campaign shirts more on that later yeah like all
of our fans like emerge out of a kitchen and a house dressed the black guy like deep down i know
the mean boys love me oh my god yeah i really didn't understand like uh like spousal abuse
until i started getting tweets from ryan colby yeah people love you and it's gross and you want
to hurt them. Anyway,
I think we're supposed to play a game or something.
Although we could probably forego it at this point.
We came here for it. Guys, we love it
when you send stuff in. People write us
nice emails. I screen
cap them and I send them to the guys and we all get all
fucking mushy and lame. We're like, oh my god, man.
I really... The guy that we met in San
Diego that lives in his parents' basements and
loves the show and he's like, dude, Carnot the Bloodfeaster, man.
That's my favorite character.
What up, Orion?
Hey, you guys all make my life and it means the world to me.
And you're terrible.
Let's play.
Agreed.
Number one, thespankinglibrary.com is the stone name it ain't taken.
The Spanking Library?
Thespankinglibrary.com.
Where all books are overdue.
Use the do-me-decimal system. spankinglibrary.com where all books are overdue. The doomy
decimal system.
The doomy
decimal system.
I'm going to say
hard yes.
The gooey
decimal system.
I'm going to
also say yes.
It is taken.
All right.
Well then, boys.
Number two,
deadbabies.net
is the
domain name taken.
Okay.
This is going to sound bad, but can I have a spelling on babies?
B-A...
I'll give you the country of origin.
Uganda.
This matters. Trust me.
B-A-B-I-E-S.
Okay.
I want to say that this is like a
1996 AOL remnant
like the website it's just like a one
it's a GeoCities yeah it's like a one page note
of dead baby jokes that you would like watch with your
dial up at 1am so I'm going to say yes
I'm going to say no it's taken
it is not taken although I wish Joe's would
be true so I could put a link
if it was spelled wrong
I would have said yes yeah
I fucking missed the GeoCities like
the joke directory of fucked up shit.
Here's a gif of a fucking dead guy.
Number three.
Is this domain name taken?
Stinkbutton.com.
Interesting.
What I like is how serious and analytical we've gotten about these games we've created
that are just objectively about the most insubstantial stupid shit.
The fucking Zapruder
fart porn. Oh, yeah.
You asked for the spelling
on deadbeats. Up and to the
left.
Yeah, but I was right.
I know. That's the truly unsettling
part is how good you've gotten. Stinkbutton.
What? Calm.
No. Say yes again. After a climactic drink of water. Stinkbutton.com. No. Say yes again.
After a climactic drink of water,
stinkbutton.com is not taken.
Killing the game.
I would love to know how much that's worth.
Wait, is it stinkbutton or the stinkbutton?
Just stinkbutton.com.
Oh, wow. Let's do a quick
GoDaddy and see what stinkbutton.com
is worth. Want to make some guesses?
Yeah. $800. I'm going to say $20, wow. Let's do a quick GoDaddy and see what stinkbutton.com is worth. Want to make some guesses? Yeah.
$800.
I'm going to say $20,000.
Guys, $299.
All right.
You're putting way too high.
You're getting emotional, all right?
That's somehow too much and not enough all at once.
It's like when you talk to investment bankers.
Don't trade with your gut.
Trade with your head.
God, this is just why America is doomed.
You don't need to watch the big short to realize why the economy is fucked.
Right here, the domain worth of stinkbutton.com.
We're attaching value to human labor to the domain name stinkbutton.com.
Thanks, Obama.
Number four, is this domain name taken whopooped.org?
It would be in.org.
Someday I'm going to pull up a soundbite of the monster from Star Wars Attack of the Clones 2.
Well, there's only one Attack of the Clones.
I know what you meant.
Yeah, there's a monster that sounds exactly like Keith laughing.
And I'll bring it in someday.
I think of it, I've thought of it five times a day ever since I met you
Keith
wait which monster
the one that laughs
that one that
I can't
I can't
well I can't
I can't do it
because I can't
I don't have
I don't have the proper girth
to
it's the one where they're in the
like the coliseum
and they're like slaves
and then
I do know what you're talking about
one of them
Geonosis fellas
yeah the Geonosis fellas
well
it's also the name of the Biff band that plays in the cantina but hoophoops.org is this domain name What am I? Geonosis fellas. Yeah, the Geonosis fellas.
That's also the name of the Biff band that plays in the cantina.
But whoophoops.org is this domain name. Well, it makes sense that it's doc.org because it's educational.
It's about the search for knowledge.
I'm going to say no.
Bill Nye got weird.
I'm going to say yes.
Whoophoops.org is taken.
Joe, you're having a tough day.
I'm sorry about that.
I am.
Okay, you put those finger guns away.
Cool down the guns, yeah.
We've still got three more questions left.
I stand by my logic.
Are you doing a perfect game?
I am so far, yeah.
Wow, okay.
Now I fucked it up,
but I'm going to for sure win this one.
I'm just trying to psych you out.
I wasn't even making a procedural note.
I'm just trying to get in your head, Kerry.
Because number six...
Oh, wait, number five.
Okay, fuck.
Number five.
GroovyMoms.com
Groovy Moms.
Again, this sounds like an AOL remnant.
Yeah.
Like when you would get like...
How to freeze your kids' go-gurts so they still love you.
Exactly.
Here's a stack of 12 MindLink CDs.
Go to GroovyMoms.com
I'm going to say yes. GroovyMoms sounds like a bunch of 12 MindLink CDs. Go to groovymoms.com. I'm going to say yes.
Groovymoms sounds like a bunch of middle-aged ladies who get together for Margarita Mondays
who met at a megachurch and their husbands are all secretly gay.
I have a lot of opinions about Groovymoms.
I'm going to say yes.
Groovymoms.com is taken.
Boom.
Shit, dude.
Kerry, you're doing it, man.
You're like three strikes away from a perfect game,
so you're like, I can't mess up the rituals.
I got to take a drink of my fucking orange soda.
I'm just paraphrasing episode of Malcolm in the Middle right now,
as I often do without realizing it.
Really?
There's one where Hal bowls a perfect game,
and he has to keep doing his ritual.
I remember.
Yep, I do.
The Malcolm in the Middle episode where he meets the girl at the traffic jam.
Do you guys remember that one?
It's one of the most heartbreaking pieces of television you'll ever see in your life,
but it also has an optimistic message about living in the moment.
You really are like all the Malcolm in the Middle kids smushed together.
Thank you for pulling us out of the hole you dug.
There's a lot of Dewey.
There's a lot of Reese.
There's some Francis.
There's a little Malcolm in there.
Yeah, like you're intelligent, but you're also a cunt, so you're Malcolm.
I'm adorable, but I'm also a goon.
Wow.
Jesus, Joe.
Wait, you didn't hit the fucking one fucking hammer swing nail
All the way in
Oh god
Let's move on to number six
Fucksex.co
Co
It's like a really aggressive abstinence website
I didn't think anybody had a.co
Until the roast battle did for a minute
and I was like,
God, you fucking
ghetto idiots.
Yeah, good lord.
Like, you don't have
to pay more for.com.
I assume someone
snagged it as a situation
but anyway,
fucksex.co,
is it taken?
No.
Joe?
I'm going to say yes.
Fucksex.co is not taken.
Oh my god.
You got your finger on the pulse of America.
I know.
I'm out of touch.
Jesus Christ, Keith.
Finger on the pulsing club of America.
Call back to the dark ages is what you just did.
He's switched it up for the last two questions.
What Tumblr domain name is taken?
A, hide the zucchini.
B, hide the fart. B, hide the fart.
C, hide the feelings.
Or D, hide the body.
Hide the zucchini.
Which one's taken?
Yes.
I'm going to say hide the body.
Hide the zucchini.
Oh, my God.
Crushed it.
There's one more left.
Patrick, come on.
All right, Daryl Williams, you've got to send us a dick pic if Keith gets this last question.
And here's the bad news.
You've got a 50-50 chance.
It's in the Bible.
Are these domain names all taken or all available?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, boy.
Number one, buttfacts.com.
Wait, wait, wait.
Facts or like butt facts machine?
F-A-C-T-S or F-A-X?
As in things that are true about butts.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
That which is true about the rectum.
Number two, aidssingles.com.
Three, wealthysinglemommy.com. Or number four, whosmydadles.com. Three, Wealthysinglemommy.com.
Or number four,
whosmydaddy.net.
What's the first one again?
Buttfacts.com.
Oh, man.
It's tens in the boardroom.
I'm going to say...
I'm going to say all taken.
I'm going to say all taken,. I'm going to say All Taken, too.
They're All Taken.
Oh!
Send me your dick, dude.
Sexually harassing a guy.
Have we gotten any dick pics at all?
We got one during the Ramsey debacle.
The Ramsey dick drive. But it was clearly
a Googled from somewhere else.
It was clearly
not a homegrown dick pic.
Yeah, I don't want
any of that shit.
I want your real dick.
Even if they're
insufficient dicks,
I care about them.
Well, tweet us your dicks
and also tweet
the Insane Clown Posse.
Yeah.
Tweet dicks at them.
Yeah, we're going to be
tweeting the Insane Clown Posse
every day until they book us
at the Gathering of Juggalos.
I think we're on day five
and it's like all our
most popular tweets are Juggalo
related. Well, you know, and just
There's a groundswell of support. Yeah, just
tweet dick pics randomly into the ether
at random coagulations of
Twitter accounts. There's not a lot we don't want from you.
Just be a friend of chaos.
What an
unsettling phrase.
This is how Project Mayhem started?
Alright.
Friends of Chaos is the episode title because I
legitimately love that as a movement.
Friends of Chaos should be the name of this show.
We are like Project Mayhem
but none of us could build a pipe bomb.
You know?
And without the illusion of social
matter.
Dude, we would never even get to blowing up the financial institutions
because we'd take forever making soap out of Keith.
It would just be so preoccupying.
We'd have a surplus.
I don't have to listen to this.
I'm a champion.
It's called the cleanest boys in town.
Hey, Daryl Williams.
The clean boys.
Keith stumped you.
Thanks again.
Listen to this Comics Life podcast.
I don't know if it sucks or not, but he has a podcast, so let's give him a shout out.
So you can go fuck with that.
And the Mean Boys will be right back after.
I just farted.
I don't know if you could hear it.
That felt bad.
Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean.
Coming to theaters near you.
Now look, Poindexter, the United States business interest
simply cannot afford the presence of another communist state
in the Western Hemisphere.
I understand, Mr. Defense Secretary,
but Congress just banned all further aid to the Nicaraguans.
Reagan wants a way around all of this.
Well, what are we going to do?
What's that, Air Bud?
What did you draw on these papers, boy?
Iran?
Slipping under the embargo with shell companies?
Wow!
The Security Council will never be able to trace the money back to the U.S.
Who's a good boy?
If you want to overthrow an elected leftist government...
There's no rule that says a dog can't channel arms sales to a Central American dictatorship.
Well, there's international law.
But does international law say a dog can't channel arms sales to a Central American dictatorship?
Well, no.
Don't send a jackal.
General, the fascists are storming the building.
What?
How is that possible?
They're being funded by Air Bud.
Send a golden retriever.
Hola, you communist pigs.
Pero del cielo sends his regards.
This summer, this is CNN.
The communist government
of Nicaragua
known for its
human rights violations
was overthrown
by freedom fighters
with help from Air Bud,
the lovable dog
who fights to spread liberty
across the globe.
The Air Bud Contra Affair.
Rated PG.
The United Nations
is prepared to act on a motion barring any dogs from selling arms to sovereign nations under embargo by the Security Council,
thus closing the there's no rule that says a dog can't do things loophole.
Mr. Secretary General, the Soviet Union would like to propose an exception to dogs playing soccer on teams to save a rec center from closing
or to inspire children with difficult home lives to believe in themselves.
The General Assembly finds this acceptable.
Motion approved.
All right, everybody.
The Mean Boys podcast returns with another fan-submitted game,
our favorite game, a thing of our...
It's time to play our favorite game.
Everybody, give it up for it.
It's time.
We got a game from a fan.
Let's do the Witch of the Following.
I messed it up a little and no one would notice,
and I was like, I'm just fucking owning this.
Look, and Tom's fucking influence is spreading.
I know, we need to get him out of this house.
It's like having black mold on your property.
You know what I would like to do instead of doing,
for a little aside, instead of doing the Tom lightning round, I would like to do Tom reenacts historical speeches.
Oh, man. Yeah, like the brown kids, they could do hockey with the other ones.
I want to get Tom to explain the plot of movies he hasn't seen just by watching the trailer.
Oh.
There's, look.
Hey, Captain Gorbachev, what's with the wall?
Captain Gorbachev, what's with the wall? Captain Gorbachev.
I like your crunch berries and everything, but there's a limit.
Like the thing about Tom is I just want to record him in as many capacities as possible
just to preserve for future generations.
You know what I mean?
What do you mean?
People who are actually going to be alive in six months?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I think of doing Mean Boys with Tom is like recording Kurt Cobain's phone calls. Like this is going to be alive in six months? Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I think of doing Mean Boys with Tom as, like, recording Kurt Cobain's phone calls.
Like, this is going to be in a documentary someday.
Montage of derp.
I can't even imagine what, like, your neighborhood's immigrant neighbors think of Tom just crawling in and out of the basement.
They must think he, like, raises chupacabras or something.
I assume that they think he's just, like, a Caucasian raccoon.
El Cucuy.
All right.
I don't wear a mask. I'm honest All right. I don't wear a mask.
I'm honest about myself.
I don't like they is.
Oh, my God.
This round comes to us from at fetus Christ on Twitter.
We have the best fans.
The name he put in the contact form was Bob Barker.
And we are playing which of the following is not a real anal cunt song title.
Anal cunt being the notorious grindcore outfit.
So,
there's going to be a lot of hate speech in these song
titles, so I'm just going to
say that I'm just reading what I've
been sent, and if we need to break out
the Jamar button, I've got it on my phone always.
It's ready to go.
So, around what is the following is not a real anal
cunt song title. A. Recycling
is gay.
B. Seahorses are cum-guzzling faggots.
C, Eazy-E got AIDS from Freddie Mercury.
Or D, you play on a softball team.
All the ready, I am remiss not listening to this band more ironically
though
the one of those
I would least like
hurled at me
is you play
on a softball team
hey just a minute now
a joke's a joke
but
that's for girls
well seahorse
seahorses do
deliver the baby
so they're kinda not
Joe's not interested
to going to any
third base
that doesn't involve fucking
baby wipes afterwards.
Good God.
That's not even an insult.
That's just pragmatic.
Joe looked at my disgusting microwave in my
third world field hospital
of a home, and he said
it looked like I bottomed in here.
And
I wasn't cooking food there as it is, but now I'm never whim.
You know, doing bottoming preparation, it's like getting sand out of an apartment.
You think you'll get it all, but you're not going to get it all.
Bottoming preparation.
Oh, my God.
Why are we not making a BuzzFeed parody about that right now?
Bottom prep.
All right, guys.
Which I guess is what all prep is.
I'm going to say the seahorse one. All right, guys. Which I guess is what all prep is. I'm going to say the seahorse one.
All right, Joseph.
I don't think anal cunt is smart enough to know about seahorses,
so I'm going to say the seahorse one.
It is the seahorse one.
Wow.
You dare insult the intelligence of an anal cunt?
You guys are surprisingly good at this game with no discernible patterns at all.
Round number two, which of the following is in our real anal cunt song title?
A, I got an office job for the sole purpose of sexually harassing women.
B, I became a counselor so I could tell rape victims they asked for it.
I can't wait for that sound clip to be taken out of context when the scandal hits.
Never hosting The Daily Show.
God, Robin before she trans was pretty salty.
What, Harry?
C, I sold your dog to a Chinese restaurant.
Or D, I adopted a retard so I could laugh at it.
So did we, and he's been on five episodes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, see you again.
Chinese restaurant.
I sold your dog to a Chinese restaurant.
That one was disappointing.
Like, come on, anal cunt.
Like, I expect a certain level of depression.
That's from their B-sides album.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we've all had those moments on Mean Boys where we couldn't quite figure out how to make our ISIS joke sting.
Oh, yeah.
That's like, I mean, sell your dog to a Chinese restaurant.
That's like the early Beatles, venal cunt.
That's their I want to hold your hand.
No, that's love me do.
It's like put the harmonica away, guys.
Start doing some drugs.
I'm going to say the retard one is the fake one.
Okay.
I'm going to say the rape one.
The fake one is D.
I adopted retard so I could laugh at it
Keith what the do you have a horse two for two on perfect games do you have a horse ship your ass
nailing all these I sure don't like you go home do some soul search yeah of all the fucking groups
that I could really just lock in with mentally anal cunt is not I do I the problem is I really
hate anal cunts music but god damn do I respect their song titles. I kind of do too.
Grindcore is stupid.
It really is.
I only heard it like once in my neighbor's car and I was just like, why do you do this to yourself?
And I'm a guy who listens to like Death Grips and Public Image Limited and all kinds of like metallic unpleasant music.
Cannibal Corpse is legitimately great.
Yeah, I like them.
It's just solid metal.
This is terrible music for dumb people is legitimately great. Yeah, I like them. It's just solid metal. This is terrible music
for dumb people.
All right, well, yeah,
thanks again fans
for sharing things you love.
Hey, you didn't write it.
This isn't This Is Rad.
Go fuck yourself.
This is bad with us.
That's our next bonus episode.
When we get to the next
level of iTunes reviews, we're going to do This Is Bad, and we're going
to bring Kyle, and we're just going to talk about shit we hate.
I think that'd be fun.
Pardon the bad metaphor.
I went on tour with Kyle.
I've lived that podcast.
Is it just a podcast about your guys' bowel movements in the hotel room you're sharing?
No, it was a lot.
Anyway.
All right.
Number three, which is the following.
Is that a real anal song title?
A, Concentration Camps Make Me Come.
No.
B, I Snuck a Retard Into a Sperm Bank.
To what end?
C.
He just knocked things off the shelves.
No, he's letting them jizz in all the jars.
And people are going to go home.
They're going to get a turkey based a fucking failure into their fucking womb.
That was harsh.
That's pretty rough.
Every word in there was a bummer.
Hey, man, I'm not going to be on television.
I'm going to be 10,000 daddies.
Oh, my God.
10,000 daddies.
The Joe Dodge story.
Oh, my God. More daddies. The Joe Dodge story. Oh my god.
More daddies than a sperm bank.
That's in your fucking rep.
That's my musical tap dance number.
That I dance with Neil Patrick Harris
at the Ace Awards.
C.
Star falls and mine rises.
Sorry.
C.
Women, colon, nature's punching bag.
D.
Phyllis is an old, annoying cunt.
First of all, I don't think anal cunt knows how to properly use a colon, so I...
Sounds like they have some creative ideas for what to do with one.
I feel like if there's an old woman named Phyllis, she probably is a cunt, so I can't,
you know.
What's A again?
Concentration camps make me cum.
I'm going to say that one.
I'm going to say the retarded sperm bank one.
The fake anal cunt song title is Concentration Camps Make Me Cum.
Oh, my God.
Keith, did you read the email?
No.
You swear?
I don't know the password.
Oh, okay.
Well, good. this is unsettling
i don't know but i'm just i'm just you can't fault me for asking here is there a mirror behind me and
you can see my laptop like the lead singer of anal cunt is about to emerge in this house and
look at keith and just go son dad cats in the cradle in the retard bag.
Something, something 9-11 inside you.
Grew up to be just like me.
Number four, which of the following is another real anal cunt song title?
A, in my heart there's a star named after you.
Jeez.
B. I hate when you frown because I'm in love with your smile.
C. I'd love to have your daughter's hand in marriage.
D. I respect your feelings as a woman and a human.
Oh, they did like a gag.
They did a nice voice?
Yeah, it sounds like anal cunt did a nice voice. They did a nice voice? Yeah, it sounds like Inho Kunt did a nice voice.
They sure did.
This is like when they did Merry Christmas, where they had the seven-inch flexi disc that
just had like all carass songs like on a Christmas organ.
It's like, do they owe us a living?
Of course they do.
Of course they do.
Say the first one again.
In my heart, there's a star named after you.
Go through the whole one.
Okay, yeah.
I hate it when you frown because I'm in love with your smile.
That's B.
That's why I'm going to say B.
C.
I'd love to have your daughter
stand in marriage.
Or D.
I respect your feelings
as a woman and a human.
D.
The fake one is B.
Sorry, P.
On the board.
On the board.
String ends.
Number five.
The final round.
All real or all fake.
Analcon song titles.
A.
Your kid is deformed.
B.
Felt like there was more.
Doesn't need to be.
Just one broke, don't fix it.
Not when you nail it.
I mean, the kid's broke.
Not when you nail it in four words.
B. You're old.
Parentheses, fuck you.
C. Your best friend is you.
Or D. You robbed a sperm bank because you're a cum-guzzling fag.
My mother is listening to this while undergoing chemotherapy.
Turn off the recording.
Oh, God.
Hi, Ma Dosh.
Yeah.
Because it's not enough having one thing pumping poison into you.
You need it in the auditory fucking hole as well.
Mean boys, the chemotherapy of the spirit.
Drive out a darkness with more shadows.
The chemotherapy of the spirit.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Can that be our tagline?
I'm going to...
It's no matter who wins, we lose.
That's the fucking all of the all real.
Make you feel any better, Mark.
We both have a tumor to get rid of.
Ours just wrote us an email.
Like.
Feel better, Mama Dash.
Good Lord.
I'm going to say all real because at least I could maybe be pleasantly surprised.
Who cares?
All fake. They're all real.
Yeah.
What is their fixation with sperm banks?
That is such a weirdly specific thing.
It really is.
Alright, that was the Lucha Flam this week.
Thank you to AtFetusChrist.
And it is time for a long-awaited segment.
Ooh.
The Rhubarb Taste Test, motherfuckers.
Rhubarb Taste Test.
I'm so excited.
This is sent to us by Mama Dosh.
Here, I'll go grab it if you want to explain what's going on.
Oh, you got it.
Yes.
Way back in episode 25,
Joe said he did not have time to argue
the merits of rhubarb with us.
Yeah.
And he would let it speak for itself.
So he has imported some from his shitty home state of North Dakota.
This comes from South Dakota.
Thank you.
Sorry.
North Dakota is like the goddamn Wild West.
It's just their fracking fields.
Anyway, this is a rhubarb coogan from the Eureka Cooigan factory in Eureka, South Dakota,
which is the finest coogan in a state where Coogan is the state dessert Connor.
And it's flavored with Coogan.
I'm going to kill you.
So first of all, I'm going to hurt you.
So first of all, I want to explain a couple of things just to the audience who's not here.
Number one, this looks like it looks like a cheesecake.
That's also a quiche.
Yeah, it looks like a tiramisu with depression.
This is what it looks like a tiramisu with depression. Is what it looks like. Number two,
apparently we're supposed to eat this warm, but we're
eating it cold because Connor's microwave is a war
crime. It really is. It looked like the
scene in True Detective
where he finds the baby, the meth head cook. It's actually
where they staged the Abu Ghraib photos.
Before we bite it, I just want to point out that Connor is
a, as mentioned before, notoriously picky eater.
And he looked at this rhubarb kugel the way, like, Clint Eastwood looks at orientals.
Like, he really is not trusting it.
Hey, here's the thing.
I've made my bed.
I gave Joe shit.
I got a lie in it.
So we're going to do this on three.
One, two, three.
It's like if strawberry or like if celery was a fruit.
I'm not getting that at all, but it's very good.
Thank you.
See?
It's like...
It's good considering it predates fun.
We'll be right back.
It's like Krispy Kreme if you're on the Oregon Trail.
It tastes like somebody put a cinnamon on a pizza crust.
Yeah!
See?
What'd I tell you guys?
I fuck with those. Yeah. giving me the business about rhubarb
and that guy brings them all away from back home if we found out there was like poop in this like
in the help and this whole thing was just a long months long con where you faked having to get it
imported you know it didn't even occur to me to do that and god damn it i wish i would have done
you pooped in my kogan, you!
No one likes it when you're doping in a kogan.
Well, I didn't hate it. Yeah, it's good!
I'm not going to finish it, but I didn't hate it.
It's good!
It was pretty good. In Eureka, they have the
robot festival. It would be good warm. If it was warm,
I'd probably finish it. Well, I can't
heat anything up in that fucking abomination
you... Oh my god, whose microwave is that? I need to know. The devil's now. It's from before I moved I'd probably finish it. Well, I can't heat anything up in that fucking abomination.
Oh, my God.
Whose microwave is that?
I need to know. The devil's now.
It's from before I moved in, so it predates the Conner administration.
But, wow, we did it.
The rhubarb, seven episodes ago, we finally made it happen.
The rhubarb king of South Dakota actually lives in Brookings, South Dakota,
and he emerges every year for the Eureka Rhubarb Festival.
And if he sees a shadow,
you guys have to live
in the fucking present?
How the fuck does this work?
Well, rhubarb's a hit.
What'd I tell ya?
I don't like you pageant-momming
your rhubarb.
You're like,
everyone loved your tap dancing.
Your weird eating habits,
the fact that you found it palatable at all,
I think it says it's a hit.
Keith, would you not agree?
I think rhubarb got married.
I mean, you're the opposite side of that pole.
Look, rhubarb is fine.
Look, I never had a problem with rhubarb.
I just thought it was funny that you had such an affinity for it.
Why am I getting so upset about this?
I think we learned something.
Because honestly, we don't have a segment unless you do.
Very true. Well, that's the show for this week. We think we learned something. Because honestly, we don't have a segment unless you do. Very true.
Well, that's the
show for this week.
We have some
important announcements.
Yes.
Non-Hoo Bar
related.
You can believe it.
If we could do
instead of our own
Ben and Jerry's
flavor, if we could
have a signature
Mean Boys Coogan.
Just for no one
to enjoy ever.
I think that would
be fantastic.
We're always throwing barbs around, fellas.
I know.
There's two types of...
Well, we are definitely some rubes,
so these are rube barbs.
There's two types of barbs in the Mean Boys podcast,
rue and saucy.
We were all walking hand in hand
towards the end of this episode,
and then we left you to die in the street like a dog.
You just watched me quit in real time.
I'm resigning.
Oh, no.
Anyway, news.
Carnock campaign shirts on sale now until, I believe, September 19th.
That's correct.
There will be a link in the show notes.
All the proceeds from them will go into the Mean Boys war chest. This includes things like hosting fees, advertising,
and budgets for our
slew of upcoming video sketch projects.
So if you guys,
people are really kind, they're like,
give us a way to give you money. So we did.
So please do that.
Yeah, I think they look pretty sharp. We're pretty
excited about them. I like that it's called
the war chest. Yeah, what else is it?
It's for Mean Boys expenses.
Legal fees, which is coming soon, I'm sure.
It'll go directly into the Mean Boys illegal arms sales Cayman Islands account.
The pre-paid debit card that I bought.
Liberians schmiberians.
Also, the Mean Boys YouTube channel has been updated.
There will be a link to that in the show notes as well.
We've got every single game of Witch of the Falling and every single sketch
all the way back. So what we're asking
is if you like the show, just share your
favorite sketch. Let's spread the word
a little bit. We're trying to
grow the following and be
like the Bernie Sanders of ignorance.
So yeah, just check that out.
Just
once every couple of months, take your favorite sketch
and tell somebody.
Tell somebody.
Yeah.
Fucking send it around.
It's not a pyramid scheme if it's art.
We're just trying to spread joy, everyone.
Yeah.
Trying to spread joy like the wild fields of rhubarb that grow across.
I don't like spreading around.
Your face when you talk about rhubarb is like a middle school girl thinking about her crush.
You just get all gooey and you're just like, oh, really?
Like Mrs. Rhubarb Dosh over and over again in your notebook.
J.D. Hart, rhubarb, whatever letter Coogan starts with.
I don't know.
This is really good.
It's K.
Keith is putting away this Coogan.
Dude, how can you not?
There's always a rhubarb.
I'm going to kill both of you.
Also, we're going to have to do a question of the week.
He has another piece.
We're going to have to call him the Coogan Caboose.
I'm fucking so mad at you.
He put it down.
He stopped enjoying it.
He stopped enjoying a thing.
I made it.
That Coogan turned into ash in his mouth because of your joy, Joe.
You made me love a thing and then hate it in 45 seconds.
You took me through the entire cycle of a loving relationship with that goddamn Coogan.
Can you please say in a Carnock voice, I'll make your Coogan turn to ash?
I will render your Coogan turn to ash. I will render your coogans
to ash!
Alright, fuck it. Your rhubarb crops
will be salted from the earth!
I'll just bring out the flavor more, Karnak.
Shut up!
Then we're gonna light the crops on fire
Yes!
And jerk off into the flames
That seems like some stuff we do
Have you ever seen the steam that erupts from cum
As it goes onto flaming rhubarb crops, Karnak?
Several times, yes!
Victory lap
I think Tyler's just trying to breed more rhubarb
Because he loves it so much.
We have been doing this for
easily ten minutes.
Can we end this goddamn episode?
Hey, I don't know.
Review it on iTunes or
whatever. It's probably ending
right now. This is our
Let It Be, guys.
Let it barb.
Let it barb. Let it barb.
The long and winding barb.
Send it to your rhubarb-loving friends, you know.
I fucking hate this.
Plug it.
Plug it.
I haven't seen Conor this mad since Nice Boys.
Just plug it at farmer's markets.
Be like, hey, I feel like artisanal carrots and fucking leafy greens.
Oh, please continue tweeting Keith the Joke.
I like churros, but they're high in cholesterol.
And also, join us in the campaign to tweet at the Insane Clown Posse every day
until they book us at the Gathering of the Juggalos.
And we're not doing it for any kind of financial gain.
We just want to release Tom into his own habitat,
like reintroducing an orca to the wild after we liberate it with Greenpeace.
Shaggy rhubarb dope.
Hey, listen.
I don't know where the fuck Eureka is, but Mark Mahoy's rhubarb emporium is opening up next week.
The secret ingredient is it's a pizza.
Hey, hang on.
Marsha Dosh, you're not alone, all right?
Marsha, I think I speak for the entirety of the show when I say it should have happened to Joe.
Cut that up.
You have to.
This cougar has ruined our lives.
You literally just ruined this show.
You just fucking
ant-vibbed this podcast.
Yeah,
Witch of the Fog
isn't supposed to have
a 19-minute outro.
All right,
well,
you can see Joe
upcoming tour dates
at not being my friend anymore.
At rhubarb.coogan.
Is that domain taken?
Alright guys,
I think that's the show
for this week.
Do we want to,
on three?
Yeah.
Oh wait,
do we have anything else to plug?
Oh yeah,
we're going to say
eight weeks,
we're going to do like a topic
for questions,
so email your questions
on themeanboyspodcast.com.
Email us your sex questions
for next week's show.
That is our theme for this week.
Let's hear some sex questions.
Do we have shows to plug, anybody?
There's my plugs.
Well, I'll plug mine.
Oh, that's pretty edgy.
You must have a headshot with your fucking mic pointing at you like a gun.
Wednesday the 31st, I'm doing token jokes.
I will be stone telling jokes at the Belly Room at the Comedy Store.
Thursday, September 1st, I'll be in Temecula at 3rd Street Live doing their
knockoff version of Roast Battle. And then
September 9th and 10th, I will be featuring at the Madhouse
Comedy Club in San Diego.
So come check those out. I will be at the
Madhouse Friday and
Saturday, September 2nd
and 3rd. And then the week after
that, I will be at Flapper's Claremont, the
finest comedy club in the upstairs of a craft mall
in North America. And for the rest of the month, San Francisco, I will be competing Flappers Claremont, the finest comedy club in the upstairs of a craft mall in North America.
And for the rest of the month, San Francisco, I will be competing in the San Francisco Comedy Competition.
So check out the website, and I will be performing all over the goddamn place.
Flappers Claremont literally is above a yarn store.
Yeah, it's your homeland.
All right, go there.
Fucking share your coogan with them.
They'll fucking love it.
Yeah, this whole week I'm going to be in Vegas for the World Series of Comedy. Then the week after I'm going to be featuring at the Tahoe Improv for like six shows or something.
So Nevada people, come check that out.
Cool.
Okay.
Fuck everything.
God is dead.
Rube Arblibs.
He's shit and died. Bye.