Mean Boys - EP 33 - American Clopper

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Meanifestos”, “Singularity Dating”, “Dino & The Spazz in North Korea” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Olympic Dressage winners by Cali Velazquez. Check out ads and sketches from every podcast on the Mean Boys YouTube Channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Buy the new Carnok 2016 T Shirt (https://teespring.com/carnok-2016#pid=369&cid=6521&sid=front) Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, friends of chaos. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... Gonna have to buy two seats on the River Ferry Sticks. Yeah! I didn't really say it right.

No, you got it. It was jazz. You didn't need the word ferry in there. Or it should have... Damn it, I was going to turn it on you. See how these bisexuals do it. We take the fucking queer heat. They just skate by and enjoy all the discreet fucking they want.

Yeah. Diplomatic immunity. It's the 50s all over again. The only necessary ferry here is you Joe don't call Joe necessary I like that that was some good bantering and it's been referenced

and the momentum has been curbstomped and let's pull the ejector seat the Mexican joke off wow you were really we've started to phone it And let's pull the ejector seat, the Mexican joke off. Ay, so topical. Wow, we've started to phone it. The honeymoon period of this podcast is over. I'll open it up. September 4th marks the birthday of Beyonce and International Bacon Day.

They will be combined into a new holiday known as Boring Asshole Christmas. Dude, bacon's so good. Lemonade. Bacon's fucking epic, dude. Kill yourself to death. Dude, it's fucking, like Lemonade? Bacon's fucking epic, dude. Kill yourself to death. Dude, it's fucking, like, I can't, like, when I try to go on my cheat days, guys, I'll go in and get a pastry, and every goddamn pastry has bacon

in it, you know? And this is like my new... I thought gay is a cheat day. I thought you guys didn't take that kind of thing seriously. Well, and I just realized this is like the new get-off-my-lawn. How come they're putting bacon in all the cupcakes? You like to be special, goddammit. I want a bear claw without meat in it.

We didn't have bacon rations in the Depression. Anyway. Don't put your meat in my bear claw. Oh, God. That's the don't tread on me of West Hollywood. An Australian ISIS supporter claimed dying for the Islamic State would be like taking the Mario Warp Whistle to heaven. He concluded by saying, all hail al-Baghdadi, our leader and dog from Duck Hunt. An Israeli and ISIS supporter claimed dying for the Islamic State would be like taking the Mario Warp Whistle to heaven. He concluded by saying, all hail al-Baghdadi, our leader and dog from Duck Hunt.

The body of a German woman who was missing for over 40 years was found by a man renovating his attic. The woman's remains will be returned to her family once they can untangle her from her box of Christmas lights. Genuinely unpleasant. A Philadelphia police officer is under fire after being seen having Nazi tattoos. He claims he would have had them removed, but he's been too busy dealing with fan mail from Joe Dodge. A cop?

What does he look like? He looks exactly like what you think he'd look like. Ah, okay. Well. A Minneapolis police paid $100 for a lead pipe duct taped to a piece of wood during a shotgun buyback program. The weapon has been described as the Tom Gossmaster sword. I was supposed to use this to fight an evil demon or something. Yeah, Ganondorf's overrated.

A drug-sniffing dog has died in a hot police car. The agent responsible was charged with animal negligence and said in his defense he was just trying to teach the dog how to catch people hotboxing. The dog is dead. Tom just walked past the window by the recording studio. Yeah, like a pink Sasquatch. He looks so confused. Oh, he really does. I like the idea that he thinks this is a mirror. He looks like his dye box was labeled wrong.

It was supposed to be strawberry blonde. It's just strawberry. I feel like a dye box is what Tom calls a coffin. Strawberry dye box. Oh, geez. We had a time lightning round on the porch the other night and he called air choking's enemy and love was horny

fear. He never stops. A nine-year-old girl was sexually assaulted at a Kmart in Riverside. Her parents say she is still recovering from the trauma of being at a Kmart in Riverside. A Canadian man sprayed his crotch with bear mace and began pouring milk over

his scrotum only to discover that he was lactose intolerant. This event to be dramatized, and Adam Sandler presents the Twilight Zone. That might be one of my favorite ones you ever did. There's a lot of moving parts there. A woman with no arms is suing Universal Studios for not allowing her on any

rides. The theme park expressed their sympathies, but said due to safety concerns, their hands were tied. I love a good limbless person joke. Like, what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on the beach? Fucked. I just like the idea of the lady with no hands just walking off the Jurassic Park ride like, it was real!

Brock Turner has been released from jail and placed on the sex offender registry after serving a mere three months for rape. When asked what he was going to do next, Brock said, I'm going a thousand feet from Disneyland. Let's see. Customers of a Colorado restaurant discovered pig's feet thawing in a dumpster in an alley behind the business. This incident caused Colonel Keith Kurtz to weep like some grandmother. Jesus.

I enjoy it. A new study shows that 44% of British women could not identify the vagina. In related news, apparently vagina is the English word for toothpaste. Donald Trump visited Mexico City this week. He was seen pandering and condescending to Mexican citizens before thanking his new

head speechwriter, Conor McSpadden. You heard me groan in the fucking setup. I sure did. That was solid. The United States celebrated admitting its 10,000th Syrian refugee. The government hopes to now have enough punches on its card for one free white person. Oh, my God. Please note in the joke, the government said the awful thing, not me.

Good save. That was going to be the one that tipped it over the edge. The ventriloquist dummy said the N-word, not me. I'm discovering what satire is, is just dumping your sins into a fictional character. Wow, the fucking, yeah, like the horcrux of your shame. Mating season for tarantulas

has commenced at Joshua Tree National Park. The event coincided with the end of summer and a ceremony wherein Keith Carey saw his shadow. Newark County, Joshua Tree. You're the tarantula king. Tom Goss is the spider king We've been over this Alright I have a backup

An Airbnb host was admitted to But fucking Tom Tom is peeking out of the bathroom Tom is peeking out of the We're going to be mad that we're talking about him What a nuisance By the way I am totally In favor of all of his special needs bus drivers

Like I just Just being around him I'm sure he was just a quarrelsome Nuisance of a child Alright do your backup joke Gee, I'm sure he was just a quarrelsome nuisance of a child. Do your backup joke. That's welcoming. It's not a safe space anymore. I don't really want to hear it.

An Airbnb host has admitted to filming tenants having sex and then posting the videos online. Patrons of the site have been shocked to learn the two Bs actually stand for Bang Bros. I liked it. Thanks. Look, they can't all actually stand for bang bros. I liked it. Thanks. Look, they can't all be fucking Adam Sandler presents the toilet. Well, that's it for the Mexican joke. Everybody, we will be back after a thing. Karen, can I ask you something about our relationship?

Of course, babe. Do you see a future with me? Of course. These last three months have been great. I really like the idea of a future with you. Okay, that's a relief. I know things have happened fast, but I really think we could be together for the next 10,000 years. Well, I don't know about that, but I think we're in good shape.

No, I'm serious. Well, what do you mean? Well, I could really see myself marrying you. Uh-huh. And growing old with you. I mean, yeah, maybe, but... And uploading our consciousness to a hard drive together and becoming one with a computer hive

mind? Sean, are you okay? Karen, I'm more than okay. I want to shed these feeble, biological husks and travel through the stars together until the last sun dies and our batteries slowly power down into an eternity of darkness. Together. You think I'm a husk.

No, no, babe. All that we are and ever have been is reducible to ones and zeros. And with the current rate of technological advancement, we'll be able to quantify our beings and preserve them with mechanical precision. Our souls are nothing more than an amalgamation of biological computation. I just want my essence to be programmed onto a hard drive someday with you. I just have a lot going on right now. I know, but the most vital of men fall victim to the brutal sword of time, and we, we are the first generation that doesn't have to.

As man and machine become one, I want you and I to become one. Will you share this Kurzweilian future with me? Will you be my robot wife? You want to fuck a robot. There won't be sex. There won't be disease. There will only be the exponential growth of knowledge and interconnectivity. We can learn the secrets of the universe together as a single organism of steel and silicone,

unlocking the mysteries of the... Karen, what are you doing? Get away from me! You can't run from progress! Three weeks later. Karen, why'd you delete your Facebook? I don't want to talk about it. All right, the Mean Boys podcast has returned,

and it is time for a round of one of our favorite games, Mita Festos! In this game, we are the dictators of the world, and we are allowed to make decrees, which will be taken and made into law immediately amongst our loyal subjects. So I think I'll take us away. Stand at the lectern.

Citizens, the remaining Bernie Sanders bumper stickers will be melted down into 12 rings for the baristas, seven for the kings of Silver Lake, and one to outsmug them all. Outstanding. Good stuff. Good stuff Good stuff That I keep driving by that Bernie Sanders coffee shop

It's horrid Oh yeah Unfair fact Yeah probably not from LA There's a coffee shop That got turned into like Bernie HQ And now it's just

Full of tumbleweeds Made of fucking English degrees I swear I swear to god It was called Johnny's They changed the sign to say Bernie's There's murals everywhere

It's like It's not over He's still flipping superdelegates And it's like Guys give it up I swear to god There's a They changed the sign to say Bernie's. There's murals everywhere. It's like, it's not over. He's still flipping superdelegates. And it's like, guys, give it up. I swear to God, there's a sign on the back that says, let the burn in me feel the burn in you. Like, that's not. It's true. That's literally.

That's a poem Keith wrote. That's literally like imagining Christ being like, take the burn. This is my party who has given up for you. Yeah, that literally makes me want to vote for, I don't know, the devil. Like, they've literally deified Bernie and then take him into an Eastern religion. Oh, for real. All right, Keith. Citizens, abortion is legal and mandatory.

Yeesh. I'm going to lighten this up. Citizens, Fro-Yo will be renamed to Gert, as in, bro, where do you gert? Do you even gert, bro? I like to gert at Pinkberry, personally. I have a theory about Pinkberry and Yogurtland that explains why democracy doesn't work. Please. Okay.

Well, like, you know at Pinkberry, you order what you want, and they, like, make you you a treat and they just give it to you when they don't like at yogurt land they have this free range yogurt troughs that just these the fucking trash people just go in and paw at to self-serve their thing and then you take your sugar treat onto a scale and you weigh it like a fucking animal and this is why we can't lead ourselves because we're just ensconced in rabble and even though it will limit our freedom we need a brave leader to lead us to a more glorious yogurt future. Yeah, like, honestly, fashionism is probably the only effective form of governance. Watching Joe

give that speech was like watching the gay version of Taxi Driver. One day a rain's gonna fucking clean these gummy worms off the street. It's more like the gentrification version of the network speech. Mussolini wouldn't have a sticky counter. I'm mad as hell and my dad's not going to pay my rent anymore.

Restaurants that serve sweet potato fries and not regular potato fries will be considered a public nuisance instead of kitsch and fun. I agree with that. I fucking hate that, dude. I don't like sweet potato fries. If that's the only option, just give me some fucking regular fries. I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding the most common food in America. I have special dietary needs. I'm like a pet snake. You really are. You're like a Twilight Zone thing.

It's like, wow, there's no place that serves fries. They're all over the place. I just want a basket of fries, everybody. Jeez, this is my perfect world, not your guys'. And frankly, my perfect world doesn't include you guys. Keith, take it away. Aw. That was hurtful! No put-downs in the

new America. Everybody be nice to me. That's fine. Citizens, anybody still referencing Harambe will be taken to the town square and butt-fucked with a gun! Keith, you're kind of lacking some of your eloquence today.

There's like a long flowery buildup, and this time it's just like, the thing I don't like is going to get bad things to it. Sorry it's not as good as a hot riff about sweet potato fries. I don't need to take this shit from you right now. Pressure's on Joe now. Okay. Citizens, if you wear a San Diego Chargers jersey in public, you have to trade lives with someone who wears a Raiders jersey in public.

Wow, you're really bringing together the IRA and fucking the rest of Ireland. Fucking trying to get the Palestinians and the Catholics and the Protestants. I get them all mixed up. Like that sentence. Whatever. I'm pretty sure you are the prodigants. I get them all mixed up. Like that sentence. Whatever. I'm pretty sure you called them prodigants. Prodigants. Which is definitely not a thing.

Sounds like the kind of thing we'd have to use you to get you out of the shower when you get stuck. Get the prodigants. Get at the medical supplies store. Old-timey flesh shoehorn. It's just like a fucking fat guy's spatula where it's like, all right, so we're supposed to jump on this part? Yeah. And then we unsuction him from the tile And then it'll just sort of topple to safety

Grease up the prodigants Have the orderlies have them properly lubricated For more portly-er citizens Uh Oh wait Matt Stick it McSpadden There we go

Okay everyone listening Yep Wrong knot. Stick it, McSpadden. There we go. Okay. Everyone listening? Yep. Citizens, weed is now legal, but Taco Bell is a Schedule 1 substance. That's my Twilight Zone fan fiction. More like a Schedule 1 AM substance. Okay, Rhubarb. Get the fuck out of here.

Citizens, to avoid confusion, Filipinos will be forced to register as Mexican or Chinese. Hi, guys. Hey, Joe had to step out for a minute. I'm Rhubarb Rudy. How you guys doing? Bad. Okay, well, I just, because I knew you guys liked Rhubarb so much

last time. I wanted to come in and play your game. Can I play the Mena Festos game? It's a lot of fun. Sure, Rudy. Okay. Very reluctant. Alright. From now on, prisoners in jail will learn responsibility and job skills from working in the prison Rhubarb garden, and it'll be called Rhubarb Habilitation.

Oh, no. Wait, I got another one, though, if you want. Okay. Hey, everybody. From now on, the time from 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. will now be known as the smiling hour, because everyone's cranky in the morning, but only if you want to, though. How is this

more unsettling than the abortion one? I did. Yeah, we've had how many kid murder jokes and sketches, and this sent my spine shivering. What are you talking about? Where is Joe? You guys are goofballs. I miss my friend.

Yeah. Fuck Rhubarb Rudy. Fucking hate that guy. Oh, you guys. Rhubarb Rudy, as of now, is officially the poochie of the Mean Boys. Oh, you guys, like, fucking... You guys, like, giving me the business. But you guys are alright, though.

Oh my god, you are the fucking Khalid Shahaq Muhammad of my future ulcer, Rhubarb Rudy. I just want everyone to have a good time is all. You know what I say? You know what I say? There's no reason every day can't be Rhubarb Festival. Because normally... There's not enough demand for an annual Rhubarb Festival. Well, yes, there is, because normally it's August demand for an annual rhubarb festival yes there

is because normally it's august 14th in eureka south dakota it's a lot of fun you guys you guys should can you imagine if you did live rhubarb festival correspondence nothing has ever upset me more than what is happening right now segment over good morning. You're listening to Dino and the Spaz in the morning, bringing you Pyongyang's hottest new morning zoo radio show all across the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I'm Dino, and this is my partner, the Spaz. How you doing, Spaz? Oh, what's crappin', Dino? It's great to be here, live from North Korea, after we got kicked out of every radio market in America.

And we are stoked to be here! We had a series of don't-go-there's a few too many times back in the States, got kicked off a few too many networks, and now we're proud to no longer be a pawn of imperialist propaganda. Speaking of blowing hot air from an orifice of feces and lies, Fartmeister, how we doing? Pretty gnarly, Fartmeister. Hey, how about a nice wet one right in the face of our dear leader's enemies? Oh, I'm a spineless American. My face is a basin of farts. That's right, the Spaz. Surely a weak American pig soldier would tremble before the mighty farts of the DPRK.

Hey, Dino, should I tell our dear comrades about our promos coming up? Does the sun shine because of Kim Jong-un's laughter? This month is Boobs Timber, so if any of you ladies feel like flashing those boobs out there, go ahead and do so so we can tell if you're a despicable Western harlot and report you to the Re-Education Bureau. Well, that's not all, Spaz, because of a generous food ration from our friends in the G.U.K. party. Whichever vehicle we see with the most Dino in the Spaz bumper stickers will win a turn-up. But of course, we'd like to remind our listeners never to listen to Dino in the spaz bumper stickers will win a turn up. But of course, we'd like to remind our

listeners never to listen to Dino in the spaz during official state broadcasts or we're going to need to report you to the flames. Hey, Fartmeister, how about something to get those flames roaring over these dissidents, huh? Whoa! That ought to burn the propaganda right out of their capitalist hearts, huh, Fartmeister?

Uh, Dino, I've just received word through my earpiece that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea would never engage in human rights violations. Ha ha ha, you're right, you are, Spaz. Such allegations are odious lies invented by brainwashed American pawn Ban Kai Moon. You ought to moon him with your butt.

This isn't right. Shut up, Firemeister. Uh, hey, hey, Spaz, did you hear about the successful nuclear missile launch test last night? Surely you did, or you'd have your throat slit for disloyalty. I did, Dino. That missile was about as big as my dong, so you know it'll make the West tremble. Someone needs to stand up for the oppressed people of this country.

Fartmeister, stop. There's nothing we can do. You know, Spaz, I heard our dear leader started building nuclear warheads because he wanted to make a dildo big enough for your mom. Whoa! I'm just kidding. Our dear leader dreams of our nation's security in his sleep. He can make your mom come with his thoughts. Guys!

What? Do you hear the people fart? Farting the gas of angry men. It's the farting of the people who will not be slaves again. When the farting of your butt matches the farting of the people who will not be slaves again. When the farting of your butt matches the farting of the drums, there is a life to start when tomorrow comes. All right, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast returns for our favorite and final segment.

We are closing out the show, as we always do, with a game of which of the following? Yay! Woo! Yay! following. This week we have another Phantom in a Game. Thank you guys so much. Please keep sending those in if you feel so inclined. It's a lot of fun. This one comes from Callie Velasquez.

And we have, which of the following is not a real Olympic dressage winner? These are the partners of the jockeys and the horse. Dressage is like a horse choreography thing. Oh, I know what dressage winner. These are the partners of the jockeys and the horse. Dressage is like a horse choreography thing. I'm explaining for the listeners. My mom, my mother is a...

My father watches yachting on television and my mother watches Olympic dressage and I am albino. This sounds like something I'd be all over because it's faggy and classist. Yeah, it's pretty... I don't know. I had to watch a lot of this growing up.

My mom's all into it. So, Mom, I know you're listening. Let's see how you do. Play along at home. Send us your score with your Twitter account you don't have, because you're a grown woman. No, I guess I'd be shitting on Joe's mom, because she has a Twitter and she tweets us.

She doesn't. I mean, she tweets just us. I mean, it's... It's the most mom Twitter account. It's just to watch her children's accomplishments and their fucking war crimes. And her avatar is her as a Peanuts character, which I find very funny when she's tweeting us

about the felching. Oh, yeah. It rips in our episodes. Yeah, watching a Lucy character fucking talk about her son's prolapsing. It crosses a lot of blood-brain barriers, so to speak. When it prolapses, your butthole goes... Fantastic.

All right, guys. Get your anal integrity, blockhead. Well, you probably prolapsed over being fucked with a guy with a blockhead. A nice square-headed, meaty cock. It's not round at all. Those nice clubbed ones. Putting a square peg in a round shell. Ah, you bitch!

You asshole! Like, dicks shouldn't have angles around the base. There's maybe a crook in the middle. Oh, no. Parallel. Speaking of which, we got our first Mean Boys dick pic sent to our email. We sure did. Let's cover that in the mailbag.

Yeah, we'll learn that later. That was pretty outstanding. All right. Which of the following is not a real Olympic dressage winner? Stefan Peters on Legolas92, B, Hiram Tuttle on Olympic, C, Asghar

Farhadi on Superb, or D, Pierre Verstique on His Excellence. Wait, Legolas92 is the horse? It's the name of the horse, yeah. Why does it sound like a fucking AOL name from... Well, maybe it's a fake one. Yeah, I mean, maybe, but those are the names of the jockeys first, the horse second.

Can you give me the jockey name of the second one again? Hiram Tuttle. Hiram Tuttle. He's a black jockey. Mr. Tuttle. No, he's of the American Chopper Tuttles, and he rebelled and he went into horse racing. American Clobber. I'm going to kill you with a knife.

American Clobber. Rhubarb Rudy would vomit. I'm just picturing the American Chopper crew, arms crossed, sunglasses looking tough, in front of a stable. You know, I got a shovel for poop behind my back. There's also a, like, arms crossed, sunglasses looking tough in front of a stable. You know, I got a shovel for poop behind my back. There's also a horse with its arms crossed and sunglasses on.

If you make a courtier joke, I'm gonna puke on my rhubarb cobbler. You get the fuck out of here, Rudy! Shoo! Shoo! All right, I'll be back.

No, you fucking won't. I'll be back in your dreams. Anyway. Oh, my God, a Rudy Krueger? Rhubarb Kruegan. I want to say that before the show this week We had a lengthy conversation about recurring motifs In our nightmares

Just so you guys know how we get revved up to record And I know what my newest one is I'm going to say Hiram Tuttle I'm going to say the Legolas one for the reason I said The fake one is Asghar Farhadi On Superb Asghar Farhadi is the director of 2011's Oscar's Best Foreign Film, A Separation.

Oh. He's doing switcheroos, so these are going to be... Okay. Yeah, okay. So let's move on. A Separation. It sounds like one of those movies like literally no one enjoys.

The saddening. Yeah, exactly. Oh, did you pretend to enjoy this? I certainly did. Did you pretend to enjoy the plot of this one? Number two, which of the following is not a real Olympic dressage winner? A, Gregory Tyree Boyce on Alexander. B, Reiner Klimke on Mehmed.

C, Alison M. Brock on Roosevelt. Or D, Michelle Gibson on Perron. Gregory Tyree Boyce sounds like a black guy that got shot in Connecticut. Oh, my god. They shot the Boyce boy. With a fucking musket that you got in front load.

Someone's been robbing the Polo Supply Factory. Glad they caught the devil. This neighborhood's getting a little New Hampshire for me. Yeah. I want to say the last one. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to say Gregory Tyree Boy.

It is Gregory Tyree Boy. Nice. That is an actor from the 2008 Twilight. Oh, okay. What did he play? It doesn't say. We could probably look that up. No, it's What did he play? It doesn't say. We could probably look that up. No, it's Lost to the Winds of Time.

Can you imagine if you were in Twilight, but you weren't one of the main people? You'd have all the stigma and none of the... Doesn't Connor look like he'd be one of those ones in the background? Yeah, you do. You're not leading vampire hop, but you're cute enough to just brood near a tree. Dude, I've got to be the Cedric Diggory of vampires. Dude, I gotta be the Cedric Diggory of vampires. Fucking dicks. Cedric Diggory was dope.

Ed was also that vampire. He was? Yeah, it's Robert Pattinson as Cedric Diggory. You look like the guy that Bella would call after she breaks up with Edward. You're like her nice vampire. Oh, I'm spending eternity in the friend zone? Yeah, I was about to say the friend zone vampire.

Oh my god, the friend zone vampire. That's the male Twilight. That's the flipped Twilight. That's the men's rights Twilight. Men's Twi-rights. Good one, Keith. Fuck you, Rudy! You're tearing this podcast apart.

Get back in the basement! I bring people together like the soil. That's where rhubarb grows in. Yeah, we numb. Why am I so upset? Do round three of the thing. Number three. Go back to the horse dancing.

That's less obnoxious. Number three. Which of the following has done a real fucking thing? A. Francis Lightfoot Lee on black leather. Okay. B. Nina Swfoot Lee on Black Leather. Okay. B. Nina Swab on Casanova. C. Henry St. Sire on Master Rufus.

Or D. Maude Von Rosen on Lucky Boy. Francis Lightfoot Lee sounds like he fought to preserve horse slavery. The Clop Fetters. Francis Leon Black Leather sounds like a good night out for Joe. He didn't leave a light footprint

in that asshole, all right? He needs to buy some carbon credits to make up for what he did. I don't believe in the cause of oppression, but I will defend to the death for the rights of horse, Georgia. Horse, Georgia. And they asked me to be taxed for that representation, and I said, nay.

Oh, no. What have we become? I say, if you allow the King of England to feed your sugar cubes, one day he's going to yank his hand awake. You can lead me to water, but I ain't drinking unless it's on my terms. Why did this turn into Mark Twain horse sayings? I don't know. I'm tired. This show has gone completely off the rails.

What have we done? God damn it. What was the horse name on the fourth one? Lucky Boy. What was the one that was Master something? Henry St. Sire, spelled C-Y-R, on Master Rufus. I'm going to say Master Rufus. I'm going to say Master Rufus, too.

The fake one is Francis Lightfoot Lee on Black Letter. He was a signer of the Declaration of Independence. It's amazing how close we were. The Declaration of Independence from the stable. I don't fucking know. I don't have a broad lexicon of horse terminology to riff with. Didn't Tom mention how... My family raised championship

horses, so I should be ashamed of myself. For a number of reasons, but now this one too. Joe. I don't like this new character, the voice that's already in my head. The Jiminy Cricket who's like, oh, you should kill yourself. I don't fucking get horses.

I don't get the appeal of them. I don't think they're beautiful or majestic. I think they're fun. No, not a fan. Yeah. Number four. Which of the following is not a fan. Yeah. Okay. Number four. Which of the following is not a real Olympic dressage winner? Hans von Blixenfinnicky

on Maggie. Hans von Blixenfinnicky on Maggie. With the lead pipe! Hans von Blixenfinnicky. He's like a weapons inspector in Narnia. The George Tenet of Narnia. It sounds like the letters you type in when a cartoon character is swearing. Break some thing and then break it in.

B, Marianne Gosweiler on Stefan. Stefan, go jump over the flowers or whatever. A Gosweiler is the chimera that awaits you in hell and you just have three heads asking you pointless questions. Here's a few things Tom asked me today. Can you make a grenade out of a Pringles can? When are we going to put a tiki bar on the roof? Like we talked about, why aren't there more sushi taco trucks?

Can I show up to a softball game without my shirt on? This is all before 1 PM. The gosswiler at a jabberwock stole my thunder. He got rid of about by that fucking Brit pedophile. I thought I was bogging at the moon, but it turned out to be one of the other one's shoulders. Yeah, I tried to go through the looking glass. Turns out it was regular glass. I'm bleeding.

I'm going to say the Gosweiler one. We still had two more to go. Oh, did we? Oh, Joseph Neckerman on Antoinette or Claudia Kishi on Sir Mallory. I got to go Goswiler. I got to go Goswiler, too, because I want to be surprised when it's true. The fake one is Claudia Kishi on Sir Mallory.

That is a character in the Babysitter's Club's book. This person has a very strange circle of things they know. Kelly Velasquez man He's a What's the word Renaissance I was thinking polymath A polyglot

I don't want to know what kind of Rectal condition you had after you had sex With Sir Francis Lightfoot on Weatherboy or whatever. Number five. He's got five regular and then an all real or all fake. So he went the extra mile around the racetrack for this one. Which of the following is not a real Olympia Dressage winner? A. Ula Harkinson on Flamingo.

B. Carl Spittler on Nut Hampson. C. Isabel Wirth on Gigolo. Or D, Susan Blinks on Flim Flam. I'm kind of bummed I can't take Carl Spittler if I ever go into the witness protection program. I'm kind of bummed I can't take Nutt Hampson. Nutt Hampson. That's like a tough squirrel detective. Spit that, Hanson. Dry goods.

Sell you some oats from Independence, Missouri. I'm going to say the one that was Jingle Owl. I almost said something else. Joe. I'm going to say the one I just said. The Spittler? Yeah. The fake one is Carl Spittler on Nut Hampton.

He was the 1919 Nobel Prize in Literature, and Nut Hampton was the 1920 Nobel Prize in Literature. Get the fuck out of here. Dude, I love this guy. This is the most comprehensive which to follow we've ever had. America really wasn't a developed country in the early 20th century. Our Nobel laureate was Carl Spittler. Yeah, geez.

People named Carl don't win Nobel Prizes. Unless it's with a K. Yeah, exactly. All right Carl don't win Nobel Prizes. Unless it's with a K. Yeah, exactly. All right, the final question. All real or all fake. Laura Adorno on La Giocannata. B. Lilias P...

Lili... Lillis... Lili... Oh, no. Lillis Pastia on Carmen. Connor's first game book. B. Marth Schwertling on Faust. On Carmen. Connor's first game book. B.

Marth Schwertlein on Faust. Marth Schwertlein on Faust. Or D. Gabriel von Eisenstein on Tick. God, Faust is a terrible name for a horse. Faust is a dope name. Oh, I was thinking that sounds like a Shadowfax, like Gandalf would ride that motherfucker.

Faust. He just breathes fire. What speed would ride that motherfucker. Faust. He just breathes fire. What speed does this horse go? Faust. Faust and Faureus. Faust. Very Faust. I'm going to go with the first one.

All the real are all fake. I'll say all fake. I'm going to say all fake then. They are all fake. Yay! Going down from A to B. The first one is a character in the opera La Giarcanada. The second one is a character in the opera La Giocannata. The second one is a character in the opera Carmen,

a character in the opera Faust, and a character in the opera Die Fladernaus. And Fladermaus means tics. Deflatermaus. I'm so fucking stupid. I believe that's the play that Batman saw when his family got killed. I take that back. I'm cultured.

By the way, I'd just like to point out that our fans range from people who are sending us in questions about dressage to a guy named Fetus Christ. No, Fetus Christ has done a lot of good stuff for the show. Oh, I know. But I don't see him in a lot of fucking dressage lessons with the fucking Romneys, is all I'm saying. We're using the world. We did mean to bring this up. There's a few people on Twitter that need to tone it the fuck down. There's a few people that are just like, what if Tom got fucked by me in my house and he didn't want to? And we're like, that's not fun.

Some of you are skating on pretty thin ice with these things. We're only going to be able to take a couple more of them before we consider blocking it. Did he pay for dinner or not, though? That's a thing. I don't know. I'm easy. This week, we asked you to send our sex questions to the Mean Boys mailbag. It is overflowing, you guys.

God help us all. Oh, good. All right. We're kind of running the gamut from genuine advice to disgusting to deeply personal stories. Let it have it. We're not sluicing any of these. Here's a good sign of a good mailbag. They all requested to remain anonymous, which, as you know, is an option if you'd like to submit.

First one. Hi, Mean Boys. Do you have any sex tips for someone who is not that experienced? Pick up lines? Ways to get people into bed? Help. I'm floundering alone in a godless universe. Oh, I refuse to believe we have any virginal fans.

Oh, you've really? No, for sure. We've met a few of them in person. I am being massively sarcastic. Of course I am. Okay. I feel like we have a lot of fans who fucked once eight years ago and are still riding the wave.

Oh, for sure. They're not virgins, but they're one and dones for sure. Yeah. One guy slipped on a banana peel and fell into a vagina at the one high school party he ever went to. And then after that, it's been just a lot of fucking tabletop games. It's like their virginity grew back, really. Dude, someday we're going to have a Mean Boys deck building game.

Oh, my God. It's like their driver's license expired, and it's just a matter of time before they get caught without a valid one. Yeah, he hasn't renewed his dick tag since, like, 2011. But he only drives to the fucking RPG store and back, so he doesn't get pulled over very often. It's so little information to go on. Well, when I was a young lad, I was driving back from Las Vegas with two of my dad's

friends, because my dad was in the hospital in Las Vegas, and one of them was this cool old guy he had in his own company, he was very successful, and he was like, just a cool dude, cool old dude. And he was like, Connor, you want to know the secret to women? And he's a cool black guy with long dreadlocks. And I was like, yeah, cool black guy with long dreadlocks that's friends with my dad and has a lot of money.

And he's like, just be nice to him, man. It's honestly true. I think that you can fuck a lot of girls by being mean to them, but I think that those aren't the kind of girls you should have sex with. That's not a nice thing to do. Here's a big thing. On 4chan, someone shared this webcomic,

which was like, how to get your life together. And after the thing of just get a shitty here's a big thing. There's this web, there's a unfortunate, someone shared this web comic, which was like how to get your life together. And, uh, after like the thing of just like get a shitty, like Mick job, you know, it was like, find a hobby that takes place outside of your home with other people.

Like whether you're playing Warhammer 40 K at your local hobby store, or, you know, join a pay the $20, join a fucking park soccer league, like find a hobby that takes place outside your home, outside your comfort zone with other people.

And then, you know, just put in those push-ups, those reps of learning how to be a person. You know what I mean? Yeah. It just sounded like it would be nice to...

And then dick somebody. And then probably don't listen to this anymore. I mean, this can't be... We have got to be part of the problem. Yeah, yeah. For sure.

Well, yeah, you're going to us, which tells me that you're not in a situation where there's a lot of people that love you. I just love sincere motivational, Connor. I know. Oh, that webcomic changed my life, dude. Phony Robbins.

Yeah, I'll find it and I'll post it on the Mean Boys Twitter and I'll put it with this episode. Second message. This is going to sound bad until you realize he's gay as fuck. Hi, queers. You asked for a question and I, as your loyal peasant and mortal enemy deliver My question, what is your most interesting or embarrassing sex story? Mine must have been on holiday in Ireland

After I had a thing with a Canadian In his conservative Catholic host's home I had to leave before being able to properly clean myself After which means I am walking through the streets of a Dublin suburb Trying to find a taxi with cum all over my torso Under my shirt After finding a taxi and cum all over my torso under my shirt. After finding a taxi and the driver understanding

where I wanted to go, the only thing I could think about was hoping that neither the driver nor the hotel receptionist who had to open the door and ask me for at six in the morning could smell what I had cooked. Anyways, keep that good shit coming since you'll be the head of the German campaign office for Carnock Dawson 2016. James Joyce left this part out of Ulysses.

Right, there's a young lad, a young poacher with cum all over himself kind of into a cob. Karnak Dawes in 2016. James Joyce left this part out of Ulysses. Right. There's a young lad, a young poacher with common all over himself, kind into a cob. Yeah, I've been there. I don't know. Sometimes you get come out of yourself. Sometimes you baste yourself. Just roll around in the rug. Just do what you got to do.

Yeah, whatever can come on me. I have a lot of hair on my chest, so it just mats up. And I feel like a fucking dog that got into the trash. You probably look not unlike a gravy coogan. I look greased. What was the question? Oh, what's your most embarrassing sex story?

Okay. Mine is probably getting fucked with a strap-on. I mean, I have a bit about it in my act. There's a video of it on my website if you want to go look at it. Or just go to any Indian casino. I'm sorry, he a bit about it in my act. There's a video of it on my website if you want to go look at it. Or just go to any Indian casino. I'm sorry, he's there doing it. Hey, I performed at some regular casinos. That wasn't even an insult.

You know, regular people. Let's see. I don't know. All my embarrassing sex is kind of consensual. Well, I would hope so. All of it is. Yeah. Kind of consensual. Well, I would hope so. All of it is. Yeah. Kind of consensual.

No, I don't mean, I mean, like, I don't mean, like, I didn't want to have, I don't mean, like, I had an embarrassing rape. I mean, like, I kind of,

I'm kind of cool with getting debased. So it's sort of like, you know, if I'm embarrassed after sex, it kind of all went according to plan. I thought of another one.

The time I whiskey-dicked myself off a raspberry ale at a Buffalo Wild Wings and failed to fuck a girl in my PT Cruiser outside at three in the morning. That's the most Connor story I've ever heard. I'll cliff nose. I know you've heard this story. Have you heard the story of how I lost my virginity? I don't

believe I have. There were these girls who were coming over to my house where me and my roommate lived and he was like, hey, so I'm having a threesome with these girls so you need to just like back off and I hit on him. And I was a good buddy so I was like, that's fine. I'm going to get real drunk. And I drank a whole bottle of UV vodka, which is white girl poison. Sure.

That happens. I end up in my room spinning, and this girl comes in and decides she wants to fuck me immediately. And she was, this is not a joke, a juggalo. She was a card-carrying juggalo. A joker's card-carrying juggalo. Yeah, and that's not a knock against her, but it is worth noting. It is a knock against you. Oh, is worth noting. It is not against you. Oh,

indeed. Yeah. And so we, I'm like pushing rope in her. It's like, you know, barely functioning, really pushing rope is where you draw the line.

I've heard pushing rope before, but I've never heard I'm pushing rope in her. And God damn, if that's like a magician trying to load up his sleeve, it's like, it's like a cat going under a screen door. Like it's just solid, but malleable all at once. Yeah. It's like a magician trying to load up his sleeve with a long handkerchief. It's like a cat going under a screen door. It's just solid but malleable all at once.

And I realize not only am I not going to cum, but if I don't stop fucking, I'm going to throw up on this girl. So I panic. And what I do is I pull out. I pretend I'm jerking off on her tits. I tell her to close her eyes. And I hock a giant loogie on her tits. And it works. She piles for it. She rubs it in.

It's like a moisturizer situation. And then you heard people chanting, family, family. Truly a dark couple. It didn't get her the cum she wanted. Wow.

That was a rough one. We're continuing to tweet the jugglers every day until the book is for the gathering. We're on day 12. We've got a big groundswell of support for the

juggler campaign. We sure do. So I hope that was satisfying. This guy, I'll be honest, but he's a long-time listener of the the show so thanks for listening for your question uh next question keith have you ever had sex with a guy before yeah i mean well not i i don't do anal

really so i've never had like sex which also not weird for gay people what the most a giant say half yeah i've never encountered like hostility about that. So, yeah. Until right now, you fucking traitor. Yeah. Well, there are some people who like, you know, have like really, you know, like narrow butt cheeks and like are kind of just small so they can't really fit dicks in them. I call these people quitters. Yeah, Joe.

They don't possess the will to power. Joe, if you can take a dick, everyone else needs to get over themselves. Yeah, I agree. The truth is, I wish I liked having stuff in my butt. Because, Joe, I feel like when you take a dick, your eyes bulge out like those old squeezy toys. Like a fucking minstrel show. Oh, no. Lordy.

Good Christ. So there's your answer. I thought I had sex with you, but I've sucked a bunch of dicks. And vice versa. Is that sufficient? Like, I don't had sex with him, but I sucked a bunch of dicks. And vice versa. Yeah. Is that sufficient? Like, I don't know how to answer that. He's just a curious guy.

I find... I just don't know how he was confused. Keith, can I ask you this? I feel like people get all bent out of shape about getting cum on in the face. You know? I don't understand. Everyone's like, oh my gosh, what if you get it in your eye? I'm like, I don't know.

Just close your eyes. What happens when you get shampoo in your eye? You'm like, I don't know. Just close your eyes. What happens when you get shampoo in your eye? You get it from Johnson and Johnson and Johnson. By the way, there is a Gary Johnson campaign shirt where it says, well, I have the left nut or the right nut. And there's a picture of Trump and Hillary. And it says when you could have the Johnson. And there's a picture of Gary Johnson. I was like, this is why no one takes you seriously, Gary Johnson.

You two just had a Jungian synchronicity over a cum shot. You're going to be friends throughout eternity in multiple lives. Here's the greatest Connor and Keith synchronicity. We were making some joke about Chandler from Friends getting stabbed, and we both said in unison, Could I be any more impaled? And we were like, we've got to stop hanging out for like a week. Next question.

Oh, what's up? I don't remember. That's what I say when I get fucked. I was confirming your point about the company. Anybody who can't take a look at the face

doesn't deserve to be having sex. Never come to a girl's face. If you don't ask. Yeah, exactly. Fucking go back to where you came from. Geez. All right.

Should be on the citizenship test. I don't give a shit if people coming in know who Grover Cleveland is. Can they take a shot in the eye for this country? Can you take two non-consecutive shots in the eye? Next question. These colors do run.

Yeah, that's what you get for wearing makeup to a cum fight. I would bang all three of you at the same time. Is this possible? No. Maybe. I don't know. What are we talking? Who is this?

It's anonymous. I'm going to need More information Not hard no Male or female They had a throwaway email So I don't know Contact us further Well two of us

Have girlfriends And one of us Doesn't like dudes And one of us Doesn't like girls So this is going to be A tough sell Here's the deal

If somebody wants To fuck his family That is an insane human Because what is the overlap Of our three Venn diagrams This is like that riddle this is going to be a tough sell. Here's the deal. If somebody wants to fuck the three of us, that is an insane human. Because what is the overlap of our three Venn diagrams? This is like that riddle where you have to get the fox and the rabbit and the cabbage. Oh, my God. How do you get to fuck? Because somebody wants to fuck me and Joe.

And somebody wants to fuck Joe and Connor. But nobody wants to fuck all three of us. That's insane. The queer, the half-breed, and the hetero. How do you get them across the river without them eating each other? Three fuck Monty.

Three fuck Monty. Oh my god. That's the... Tweet us your answers for that riddle. I don't know how you... That's Keith's stepdad's name.

Three fuck Monty. Eat shit and die. Oh, the count of three fuck Monty for a skiddo. My question for the show. Have you ever had a partner shit the bed, parentheses literally, during sex?

And if you're asking, yes, I've suffered through that debacle. I've never had a partner do it. I've been involved in a bed shitting. I'm assuming this means... I went into a room with a guy. They got some shit on the bed. Mistakes were made. I'm here to address the American people that I apologize for my actions.

Jesus Christ. The one time I've had successful anal sex, I did get pooped on. Oh, really? Yes. Well, your dick is... You're going to clear some stuff out of there, like a pumpkin scoop or something. Oh, it was like... Your dick has a lot of nooks and crannies, like like an english muffin it's probably dragging shit out and it's way back

this is a very specific reference but it was like i fucked her in the butt and i came out and it was just still open it looked like it was like that scene in army of darkness when they're just waiting for the blood to come out of the fucking like the pit and then it was just the poo just slowly came out yeesh i did get food poisoning in fresno, of course, and I shit my bed violently. I just woke up and I shit my bed and I was like, huh, that's weird. That's not Danny Minch's couch bed, was it? No, it was a hotel. I had a hotel for this particular

excursion. And yeah, so I shit the bed. I woke up. I put pants on. I went to the Walgreens and I bought some new underwear and I went to the bank and I came back and I proceeded to throw, like I was shitting myself on the way to throw up. Like it it was that I was like in the bathroom so I could like squat and shit and barf and then wash it down and bathe the poop and shit and vomit and barf off of me it was yeah it's pretty rough so I it wasn't sexual but I was I was once involved in an

oopsie uh of this kind and all I could think to was turn around and say, look, you wanted to go to dinner. That is the New Yorker cartoon of shitting on people's stories. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's the mailbag for this week. Except for we did get our first mean boys dick submission. This person had a picture of their dick, which Tom described as California-shaped. Yeah.

And it was on top of a drawing of Keith blowing me, and it said Mean Boys in the background. And I get this follow-up email. Hey, Mean Boys, I got drunk and drew an incredibly cartoony sketch of Keith blowing Connor the other day, parentheses, technically, yaoi, and emailed it to you guys from my public library's Wi-Fi along with a picture of my penis.

Somehow this violated Google's terms of service and the burner Gmail account I set up was deactivated. So I'm just checking to see if it ever actually went through. I love the podcast and got my horrible ex hooked on it before she she-hooked out of my life. Hope all goes well. What a surprisingly cogent email to accompany your drunken dick pic. What an amazing way to follow it up to make sure we got it and not to apologize for sending it.

I love our fans. This person is my new hero. And also, you have a sweet dick, dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For real. Hefty. Yeah.

That was like fucking T.S. Elliott's. I'm trying to just. Here's the thing. The fact that he is reconfirmed leads me to believe he wants us to tweet it out. I was kind of conflicted on whether or not I should. I would like to tweet it as part of our Juggalo fan drive. Are you allowed to tweet penises on Twitter?

Tweet penises on Twitter. I've tweeted my dick at Donald Trump a bunch of times. Okay. That's not fun. There's a picture on my phone right now that I tweeted that's Omar Mateen, but they photoshopped my dick instead of the cell phone that he was taking a picture of himself with. And Milo Yiannopoulos gets banned with all these shenanigans. We'll get ourselves banned eventually.

Oh, Milo Yiannopapa Johns. I feel like one day, I feel like one day I'm going to discover Milo Yiannopoulos is like my brother and I have to kill him with like an ancestral spear. There can only be one. So funny. Um,

so guys, uh, do we, what's the topic for next week? What do we want to hear people's questions on? Political questions? Yeah, we can do political. Let's do political.

Well, send us your politics questions to meanboys.com. Or your favorite rhubarb recipes. Rudy! Get the fuck out of here, Rudy. Rudy's existence is like that short story Amalas about the girl that suffers in the basement and she's like deaf, blind, and dumb so everyone else can live in a utopia. Everyone's having a good time, though. I went to community college English class.

English crash. English crash. I got a mouthful of marbles today. By the way, I didn't want to let it go that Connor said de-gackificated when he was reading that email. De-gackificated? That's what happens when Nickelodeon closes down. De-gackificated. Hey, guys, I insist on reading everything in the hopes that somebody will be able to do it. mail. Decactivicated? That's what happens when Nickelodeon closes down. Decactivicated.

Hey guys, I insist on reading everything in the hopes that somebody will be able to do it. Fair enough. Connor, talk pretty one day. Anyway.

Okay, David sedentary Daedaris. It was a chunky version of it, but I like where your head's at. I loved it.

One of the most accepted gravy scenarios. That's way better. My brain is slow today. Anyone have anything they want to plug? I'm going to be at the Tahoe Improv with Dat Fan all this week. 9th and 10th, I'll be at the Madhouse in San Diego. 17th, I'll be at the Tournament of Nerds at the Upright Citizens Brigade here in LA. And the

27th of September, I'll be back at Roast Battle against Robin Tran. This weekend, I'll be at Flapper's Claremont in Claremont. This Sunday, I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego again. Love that place. And then for the rest of the month of September, I will be competing in the San Francisco Comedy Competition all over the fucking place. So check out my website

for details. Keith versus Robin's going to be a real barn burner. Really? Because they're both cows? Especially after Keith kicks over the lantern after someone tries to milk him. That's how you do a fat show. Mine was quicker. There's even more throw. I think that's the show for this week.

Do we want to? Fuck everything. God is dead. That wasn't good. All right. One, everything. God is dead. That wasn't good. All right. One, two. Keith is fat.