Mean Boys - EP 34 - Throbbing Deicidal Member

Episode Date: September 8, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Hell’s Box Seat”, “Clinton and McGilly”, “Mark Malloy Suicide Intervention”, “Gay Agenda Update” and a game of “Which of the Following” by Nat Baimel (@NatBaimel). This week features guest voices by Kayla Rosenberg. Video for Hell’s Box Seat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTBC7ckTWpo Check out ads and sketches from every podcast on the Mean Boys YouTube Channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0hvkj7TOPzMdJbKIh1L_hw) Buy the new Carnok 2016 T Shirt (https://teespring.com/carnok-2016#pid=369&cid=6521&sid=front) Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, this is Keith Carey from the Mean Boys Podcast. Thanks for checking out this week's episode. Please feel free to comment and leave a review on iTunes. Give us a five-star review because that helps us get to the top of the imaginary charts. Karnak Dawson 2016 t-shirts are still on sale. The link will be in the show notes and on our Twitter. Please continue tweeting theinsaneclownposse to get us booked for the Dark Carnival because we have overcommitted to this bit.

And enjoy the show. It's called The Gathering of the Juggalos, Keith, but I mean... Get out of my intro! Hey everyone! Hell isn't a place you go to, it's a thing you carry around inside. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... If Ursula turned Sugar Ray into one of her poor unfortunate souls. Oh my god, make way for Snark McGrath.

Ah, you pop punk mollusk. Twink 182. I feel like in 8 Mile when that guy is just like speechless and he just like walks off the stage and loses in the climactic final rap. I'm just like, I'm done. You win. B-Rabbit, call me a mollusk. Damn, I'm an invertebrate and shit. All right, well, Hepatitis B-Rabbit, how are you feeling?

Good, salty. We have fun here at the podcast. You know, I always feel like we're going to discuss something that's going on in our lives at the top, and we just end up insulting each other. Like, ha ha, you are odd looking and glisteny. Nothing's happening in our lives. No, it's really not. Deep down, we truly don't care for one another.

We're sitting around and making Shawshank tallies on our respective hovels until we get to do this again. Taking interest is something you do when there's love involved. We are fueled by hate. Respective hovels is like your level Better Homes and Gardens. It comes to you on a fucking reclaimed paper

hastily copied on the fucking FedEx for the cheapest amount of ink. Let's make a zine, guys. We should totally make a Mean Boys zine. Ooh, zine boys. A hovel is like Tom Goss' McMansion. It's like what you could realistically... Hovel sounds like it's Tom Goss' natural, like, Pokemon sound.

Hovel, hovel, hovel, hovel, hovel. Hovel. Someone put a thunderstone on me And here I am Tom use Iron Tail They put a blunderstone on him A blunderstone I kissed that in Ireland And then I became full of misfortunes

I stole a piece of Blarney Castle It's in my room You stole a part of a castle Now our house is going to be haunted by a leprechaun or whatever. It already is, and he's sitting across from me. Because you kiss the Blarney Stone, and it supposedly gives you the gift of gab so that you become extra charismatic. And I was like, well, I'm a stand-up comedian slash podcaster.

I could sure use this. Oh, boy, you're going to have too much. Rubar Rudy, you get the fuck out of this house. Pulling the ripcord. Mexican joke off. Ay, so topical. I'll take it away. A Russian performance artist recently nailed his scrotum to Red Square.

Yakov Smirnov remarked, in Soviet Union, Banksy is sexually violent. Okay. The U.S. government has stepped in to block an oil pipeline that was proposed to run through Native American territory. Tribal leaders are grateful for the intervention, saying the plan was... Good God. I was so worried about being able to pull that off correctly.

You used the old Keith Carey formula there. Oh, you nailed it. John Hinckley was released 35 years after attempting to murder celebrity-turned-president Ronald Reagan. Donald Trump was quoted as saying, quote, fuck.

Okay. Newark County Landfill. Newark County Assassination. Even your Newark County Landfill should get Newark County Landfilled now. Just tell you,

damn. We gotta think of a thing that when the Newark County Landfill fails. That's the rest of New Jersey. The Newark County Pacific Ocean garbage patch. It's the Atlantic Ocean, you idiot. It's the Pacific Ocean.

Next to New Jersey? Who gives a shit? Anyway. Good save. A Utah opinion piece compared Christians who support homosexuality to Neville Chamberlain during World War II. Why? If sodomy makes you Chamberlain, then my house is Stalingrad. A new study shows the state of Texas

has maternal death rates higher than most industrialized countries. The state's Surgeon General shrugged and remarked, hey, everything's bigger in Texas, right? A 95-year-old SS medic who served at Auschwitz is set to stand trial in Germany. He will have to answer many questions, mostly from Joe Dososh about his policy on prostate exams.

What's the meaning of this inquiry? A woman started a fire in a Phoenix strip mall from a lit stick of incense. An Arizona court sentenced her to 15 years for a possession of incense. That is rather basic bitchy for the stern arid climate of Arizona. Yeah, I know.

Just imagine John McCain looking at incense and just being like, ugh. This is worse than Hanoi. Get out of here, hippie twigs. Oh, you're my wacky niece with your incense. Squares. A Chinese billionaire has been caught trying to smuggle roughly 6% of the planet's aluminum through the Mexican desert to benefit from the provisions of NAFTA. He was caught by a private investigator's surveillance plane, and ironically, his plan

was foiled. It's a long road to a dumb joke. Connor is the worst. I gotta admit, I enjoyed it. Bill Cosby has claimed his rape accusations are a case of racial bias.

In related news, the ghosts of the 9-11 hijackers have stated they're not terrorists, just lousy drivers Pope Francis invited 2,000 homeless people to the Vatican for a free pizza lunch After learning it was Chicago style, one New Yorker remarked Quit being a queer and help me write these 95 theses. That has to be the first historically documented pizza-related Martin Luther reference. Reformation joke. I nailed a little Caesar's box to the fucking door of the church.

I was flayed living from my heresy. ISIS has sent envoys to five countries to collect cash to help finance their fight against the Syrian government. The envoy that sells

the most candy bars will be rewarded with a 100-piece card pencil set and commemorative slap bracelets. Actress Alexis Arquette was found dead on Sunday. Her brother David Arquette is expected to attend her funeral

provided somebody can cover his shift at Quiznos. Oh, poor Arquette. You just got slammed, Arquette. Yes! Shoving up your dead sister. Take that, 18 years ago when you existed. By the way, I'd like to preface that this podcast began with a discussion of how much it would cost for you to shove a piece of your own poop back up your own butt.

I said $10,000. Connor said $85. I said $100. $10,000 Connor said $85 I said $100 $10,000 Today on a very dark episode of The Price is Right And it's just confusing Because I have so much more money than Keith And I'm just like why am I so bargained

Welcome back to The Price is Right The action is unholy $10,000 what are you a ballerina or something Jeez Anyway A Pennsylvania man was arrested for sodomizing a pony $10,000. What are you, a ballerina or something? Anyway, a Pennsylvania man was arrested for sodomizing a pony. When asked what his charges were,

the police responded, it's horse intercourse, of course. I've never heard more glee in a human's voice than when you got to say sodomizing a pony. Oh my God. You said that with the enthusiasm that most women say I do.

The High Court of India has ruled that denying to have sex with your husband for a prolonged period of time amounts to mental cruelty and is grounds for divorce. In his majority opinion, Supreme Justice Dice Clay wrote, even though a clam smells worse than our food, we have needs. Oh! I love... I love the idea that Dice has so much emotional intelligence that you go, I got needs over here.

I'm a red-blooded man. And finally, I need to be held. Sorry. A Muslim woman was set on fire while shopping in New York City. Islamic leaders are outraged, saying, quote, A woman was shopping? Women be shopping in the Muslim war. It isn't a hat presence.

It's a fucking crime. President Sinbad declares retaliation against the Islamic State. Oh, these cross colors don't run. Women be shopping now. Women be shopping tomorrow. Women be shopping forever. Oh, good God.

All right, I think the Mean Boys podcast will return after Joe gains composure. That was awesome. Three months have passed since the deadly shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida. On that day, Omar Mateen shot and killed 49 people and wounded several more. The Pulse shooting was America's largest domestic attack since 9-11, a hate crime that specifically targeted gay men. Our hearts are with the Orlando victims, and we pray that their deaths will pave the way to a more tolerant...

Despicable children of Yahweh, it is I, the Dark Lord Fagamemnon, here with a gay agenda update. I, Fagamemnon, King of the Sodomite Damned, hereby issue a formal declaration of gratitude to Orlando shooter Omar Mateen. Gratitude, you say? Yes, fearful Christ supplicants, gratitude. Omar Mateen has strengthened our ranks greatly. What the Allah-loving camel breeder failed to realize is every time

a gay person dies, he rises to become a vein in the cock of Satan. Veins in the cock of Satan! Veins in the cock of Satan. Veins in the cock of Satan! The Morningstar will sodomize God on the burning ruins of heaven, and the Orlando Slain will have the eternal honor of coursing

blood through his throbbing deicidal member. Furthermore, now that Mateen is banished to the prison of the Damned for eternity, I have decreed that his punishment for the first 10,000 years will be playing Edna Turnblad in the Melivosia production of Hairspray. Omar Mateen plays Edna

Turnblad in Hell! Omar Mateen plays Edna Turnblad in Hell! Dark Lord John Waters will be most pleased. Also, I am now at liberty to divulge that the vassals of Lucifer have bound the souls together of Geoffrey Dahmer,

Countess Elizabeth Bathory, and Vlad the Impaler into an unholy legion of ultimate evil. We have incarnated her in human form and unleashed her on the earth to stealthily usurp the forces of humanity. This amalgam of pain demons has even her own daytime talk show watched by millions. Our unholy archon, Ellen DeGeneres, will reveal her true demonic form and feed on the flesh of a thousand nun vaginas at the Finding Dory premiere. Dory swims in the blood of the righteous! Dory swims in the blood of the righteous. Also, in other news, the new Lady Gaga single is terrible.

Terrible. Of course it is, you old queen. As a final note, many sodomite damned have suggested that I, Fagamemnon, the new Lady Gaga single is terrible. Terrible. Of course it is, you old queen. As a final note, many sodomite damned have suggested that I, Fagamemnon, form a formal alliance with Karnak the Bloodfeaster. I'm here to tell you that I will never form an alliance with Karnak the Bloodfeaster. Oh, ever since she got popular, she thinks she's something. She thinks she's something.

This has been the Gay Agenda Update. Christ is Satan's bottom. Christ is Satan's bottom. Jesus fucking Christ, Mark. We've been walking for an hour. Nah, shut your muff, will ya? Kalani's is right around the corner. I don't know why we couldn't just go to Murphy's. It's right by my mom's house. Kalani's is the best bar in Boston, Trish.

Plus, I'm not allowed at Murphy's on account I yelled the N-word at the bartender. Why'd you do that? He's Italian. That's what I told him. I was being fucking ironic or whatever. Dumb whop Guinea wouldn't know irony if it came up and kicked him in the meatballs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. what the fuck is this? Stay back, folks. We've got an active situation here. Ah, jeez, did little Pete get all handsy with another waitress? Cut him some slack. He's got that retard strength. He didn't mean nothing by it.

No, there's a man on the roof threatening to jump. This is serious. I'll do it. I swear to God, I've got nothing left to live for. Oh, shit, kid, that's friggin' nuts. Do a flip. Jesus, Mark, you're such a fucking prick. Oh, what? Fuck me That's friggin' nuts. Do a flip! Jesus, Mark. You're such a fuckin' prick. Oh, what? Fuck me for wantin' a little showmanship out of the guy. Son, come on down from there. Let's talk it over. We got a therapist on the line who's ready to help you out.

I don't want a Jew therapist. I wanna die. Life is meaningless. Yeah, alright. I'm fuckin' bored. Can we just slip by? Kalani's is right there. We're not gonna just walk through, Mark. What if he jumps? He's gonna pop like a water balloon and I wore my good pants tonight. I just got the bloodstains out of these from our last date. Hey, if you didn't want to get blood on you, you shouldn't have gone drinking in Southie, you goofy broad.

Will you two please be quiet? I'm trying to save a goddamn life here. Listen, I know it seems like there's no hope and like the world isn't worth living in, but think about all the beauty around us. The sunrises and the waves crashing on the ocean, and the way Fenway lights up on game night. There's good. There's happiness. And I promise you, if you come down from there, whatever you're going through will pass, and you'll be all right.

So please, for me, for your family, for yourself, come off the roof, brother. That sounds like some queer shit. Oh, for God's sake. Mark, do something! But what do you want me to do? That cop just read him in that little fucking poem or whatever and it didn't do shit. Honestly, I just hope he jumps soon so I can get a drink. I'm almost sober.

What kind of man are you? You can't save a fucking weepy loser standing on a ledge. If you think you're gonna let this guy die and still fuck me, you're gonna be very disappointed. Alright, for Christ's sake, fine. It's all day with this shit. Chief, give me the megaphone. What? Absolutely not. Trust me. Oh, Mark, be careful. Fine, here. Yo, you goofy fuck, can you hear me?

Yeah, I hear ya. Where'd the cop go? Who are you? Fuck you, that's who I am. Listen up, you retard. You wanna commit suicide? In my book, that makes you a fucking homo. You take that back. I ain't a homo. Sure you aren't, homo. You want to commit suicide? In my book, that makes you a fucking homo. You take that back. I ain't a homo. Sure you aren't, homo.

You're going to jump off that building, and the coroner's going to list your cause of death as terminal homo-itis. People are going to be at your funeral saying, well, he died doing what he loved, being a homo. Hey, fuck you, you fucking fuck. I'll kick your ass. Yeah, whatever, Nancy. Hey, when you die, do you want us to spread your ashes on your boyfriend's butthole

so we can fart him out at the pride parade? I swear to fucking God, you better shut your mouth before I put my foot in it. All right, fine. You're not a homo. You're a Yankee fan. Oh, I guess that's the same thing, though, isn't it, homo? That's it. I'm coming down, man.

I'm bringing my fucking brass knuckles. I'll be here waiting. Don't forget your tampons, you sissy bitch. I can't believe it. You did it. Marky, you're a hero. God damn right I am. Alright, order me two shots of Jameson. I gotta go punch some respect for the sanctity of life into this fucking

cake eater. Hey, let's fucking go. Bring it, everyone. This is a segment we haven't done in a minute. This is Hell's Box Seat. What the hell is wrong with you all? What are we doing this week, Joe? Well, believe it or not, Connor, it's actually another weird Irish thing I found on the Internet. Ooh la la.

My people are so resplendent with flaws. They really are. You know, they've just got a lot of exploitable mockeries. You're the worst of the white people. Yeah, you really are. I'm sorry, no arguments here. Yeah, that was official U.S. policy for a number of years. Anyway.

You know, the good old days. Yeah, you railroad building fucking white slave. Anyway. Why you, you railroad building, you Guinness drinking, you neighborhood ruining. Any dang way. Yeah, but welcome back to the Tammany Hall podcast. That's correct.

Dang it, Bobby, it's Dangs of New York. Bill the Butcher's gonna kill you, Bobby. This is a proddy neighborhood. No, dang, I'm gonna teach you how to speak English

with this goddamn knife. Dang. Anyway, this is Irish folk singer Luke Kelly of the Dubliners singing a song called Scorn Not His Simplicity, which is a song about not pitying a retarded child. Oh, well, we're all going to hell. I think we're going to learn something. Here we go.

Lukey, remember that lovely song that Phil Coulter wrote? Very personal song for him. They're playing a song in Fraggle Rock right now. I think your recording of it was the definitive recording of it. Can Jonah Hill play him in a biopic? Yeah, I like how it's the definitive recording. These people live in different mountains that go to war every 12 years. These are the people that didn't get parts as hobbits

in the Lord of the Rings films. They're like hobbits and dwarves. Somehow it looks like the 70s and the 1570s. There's a guitar playing, but he's just leaning on his guitar, not playing it. Simon and Tard Funkle. Oh, shit. I might have believed this was an Irish retard folk song.

This is the ballad of McSpadden. Oh, are you? Love that he's holding his hand in his ear like Mariah Carey. Yeah, that flute player looks like he fucking laid his pipe. Into children. Yeah. You can see him in Temecula. He looks almost like the others. How heartbreaking.

He's almost a pyrus. But not quite. Try. Try to love him if it's possible. Do your best to love him. Try to love him. Do your best. I am Luke Kelly.

Here's a song called Spastic's Lament. Oh, God. Hi, my name is Flo Seamus. Nothing creepier than a mustache perched on the fucking

mouthpiece of a flute. It's like, go back to Jethro Tull, you weirdo. That flute player really does look like he has a hotel room permanently booked to fuck kids in. If you ask me, this song is really leprechaun-troversial. Yeah, that hotel room would be at the...

Where you're booked by your comedy condo. Whatever Indian casino I'm gentrifying for the weekend. That's what happens when you let your kid kiss the tardy stone. Oh, dear. I don't know why that one

felt the worst. Hay-dee-day-dee-derp-da-derp. Hey, look, if you're over 40, cover it up before you put it in your clam rock. Don't paint your knob red

and tell him it's a lolly. He won't know the difference. Again, I love that it's try to love him, not just love him. It's hard when your wee one has a four-leafed chromosome. Oh, no. I feel like this is a song about all those other Kennedys who didn't do shit and just fucking lived in Grey Gardens. He wrote this after fucking What's-Her-Face was lobotomized. Oh, fuck. No, no, we don't throw things here.

Why not? I'm going to be the president. You think I'm going to be president? Joseph Kennedy had Luke Kelly assassinated after this song. They're mocking me, Rosie. I won't have it. She was never a senator. She did become a Play-Doh lobbyist.

Stop it. Why is he saying surrounded by despair as if it's not the adult's fault? Yeah. Are you picky? Are you simple? But surely you must care. I like that they get...

This is like a folk song, meaning this culture got around to writing a song about loving your retarded kid before they got around to not drinking while you're pregnant. Yeah. Like... They really got the cart before the horse. your retarded kid before they got around to not drinking while you're pregnant. Yeah.

They really got the cart before the horse. And then the horse kicked the kid and that's, you know. He's got a dent in his little brain. Don't set your whiskey glass in his head dent. Oh, his head's soft as a famine potato.

He's a little dumblin'. A dumblin'. We named him Little Pete after the fields that nothing grows. A dumblin'er. Oh, my fucking God. Dumblin'. Well, there it is.

Well, that was deeply unsettling. I don't feel good. Yeah, we'll link to the video for that in the show notes so you guys can play along. Dear Lord. Joe, why do you have such a compendium of these things? I don't know. That's so specific. That's not the kind of thing that gets shared around that everybody knows about.

Irish mongoloid folk songs are a very particularly Joe Dash niche. Mongoloid? Mongoloid? He was a mongoloid. I hated I. Cheerier than you and me. Sinead O'Connor did a cover of that song too. Did she really? Yeah.

Fucking what? It's the fucking satisfaction of Ireland. Does no one have publicists? All right. Oh, man, that was a great song about the dropped as a child Murphys. You know, it's pogging Molly. The Mean Boys will be right back. March 19th, 2017.

President Hillary Clinton is overseas negotiating an international relief fund for Syrian refugees, leaving her husband, Bill, at the White House to tie up some loose ends with the head of his newly assigned Secret Service detail, Agent McGilley. Alright, McGilley. What I'm about to tell you stays between you and me, capiche?

Yes, Mr. President. Please, McGilley, call me boss. You know, like in an old-timey mobster kind of way? Sure thing, uh, boss. Any. Please, McGillie, call me boss. You know, like in an old-timey mobster kind of way. Sure thing, uh, boss. Any particular reason, boss? I don't know. Seems like it would add a fun dynamic to our relationship. Okay. What did you want to tell me, boss? I've been using the Clinton Foundation payroll to pay off...

Your mistress's, boss? Dammit, McGillie, how'd you know that? It's an assumption pretty much everyone has come to, boss. Seriously? I mean, are you really that surprised, boss? Fair point. That's besides the point, McGillie. Everyone's always suspected old Slick Willie of having a little black book that's as big as Arkansas.

But if this gets out, I'm going to be seriously undermining Hillary's efforts to rally charities around the world to contribute to the refugee crisis. Now, just because I've pushed some of my legislation through a few water gates doesn't mean that Hillary shouldn't be able to help those people in need. That's very noble of you, boss. Hillary doesn't deserve this. The only dick that's seen the kind of trouble mine has was elected vice president in 2000. I agree that we need to help the president's agenda any way we can, boss, but what are you proposing we do? Alright, we need to sneak into the Clinton Foundation headquarters. Steal some panties.

Wait, what? Let me finish, McGillic. After we stock up on those dirty cheekhuggers, we alter the Christmas bonuses on the payroll to reflect the proper non-bonerific amounts owed to my mistresses before our financial statements go public tomorrow. You want us to do that, boss? It would be highly illegal and, with all due respect,

a national disgrace if a former president was caught burglarizing his own charitable foundation to launder funds used for sexual misconduct. Illegal? Yes. Disgraceful? Yes. Fine?

You bet your sweet top security clearance haven't asked yes. And if there's one thing I know, it's that you can't stop the comeback kid from doing the right thing at the last possible moment after he has exhausted all other feasible options. I'll get the keys to one of our unmarked undercover vehicles, Mr. President. McGillie? I mean, boss. Hang tight, Hillary. The first gentleman of the United States is on his way.

How are we going to get past security, boss? It's true. I've got this place locked up tighter than Al Gore's envelope house. But I also instituted a fail-safe in case of a situation like this. What's that, boss? I hired my half-brother Roger Clinton's grandkids to do security. And if there's one thing besides sex with an inferior, I know a Clinton can't resist. It's McDonald's. McGilly, you beautiful son of a bitch.

Start loading Tylenol PNs into these McGrillis before I have to kiss you. Boss, why couldn't we have just gone through the front entrance? The woman's locker room's on the twelfth floor, and it's guarded by a Cerberus whose three hands are Bob Dole, Ken Starr, and... And? Newt Gingrich. So that's what he's been up to. But boss, can't we just skip the panties? McGillis, stop asking stupid questions and help me pry open this window.

Boss, I think that's enough panties. The sun's coming up and we still need to alter the payroll spreadsheets and get out of here. Gingrich! Is that the Cerberus? That depends what the definition of is is. Fuck you, Star. This time I'm not just taking back the House or the Senate. I'm taking back your soul, William Jefferson Clinton. This is one time I won't compromise

with you, Newt. It's time for a better three-headed monster for a better America, Bill. I gave you the Congressional Medal of Freedom, you jowly son of a bitch. We're quartered. What are we gonna do, boss? You're going to die, just like my contract with America did under your veto, Mr. President. You should know better by now, Newt. Bubba's always got another trick up his sleeve. McGilly, suck on this reed for me. Yes, sir, boss. No, no, not jazz music. A special prosecutor's one weakness, the sultry moan of a tenor saxophone.

You better get on the last coal train out of town, Cerberus. The minor pentatonic scale is for Negroes. That's just the kind of thinking that made your presidential bid a laughingstock, Gingrich. McGillie, go alter those spreadsheets. I'll hold them off. Three days later. Well, McGillie, Hillary negotiated

the most unifying humanitarian effort the world has seen since the Marshall Plan, and no one was the wiser. Nothing left to do but to enjoy these cigars, eh? Boss, I just have one more question. Shoot. What were the panties for? Well, how do you think we're going to light the cigars?

That's a good one, Clinton. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Clinton and McGilley. Scandal, espionage, unsettling sexual perversion justified by a slick public demeanor. All that and more from the first gentleman of the United States and his trusty lieutenant. I'm with him. The Mean Boys podcast returns with our final and favorite game, another fan-submitted round of Which of the Following?

Hooray! Huzzah! This one comes to us from front of the show Nat BAML follow him on Twitter at Nat BAML for all your Jew punnery nonsense needs this is which of the following is not a real pro wrestling story intriguing this is perfect which of the following fodder we've done some wrestling before when guest Robin Tran came in. That was really great. The Kurt Angle quotes switcheroo at the end was fantastic.

I love that episode. Let's get into it. She really confused us, like her gender identity. Hey, be nice to whatever's going on there. It's not like she listens to every episode and plugs the show religiously. I'm sorry, Robin. Well, she can't plug anything religiously because, I mean, God, she's invisible to his eyes. She calls it makeup.

I call it Christ camouflage. It's clam-a-flush. Oh, God. The second time we've used clam as a euphemism for vagina. See you on September 27th, Robin. We love you, Robin. All right. Which of the following is not a real pro wrestling story?

A. Perry Saturn riding a slip and slide while wearing a dildo helmet. B. Eddie Guerrero pissing on Elvis's childhood home. Oh, my God. C. Sid Vicious and Arne Anderson stabbing each other on an airplane. Or D. Vince McMahon hiring an Asian wrestler after learning Asian porn is a thing. Well, I'm going to say Eddie Guerrero pissing on Elvis' childhood home because there's no way the residents of Tupelo, Mississippi would allow a Mexican person to pee on the fucking mansion of Elvis. Or just get in, period. Like, you're barely not black.

Calm down. I'm gonna say the Sid Vicious one. The fake answer is C because it was not in an airplane. It was in a hotel. Well done, Nat. You crafty people. Your horns are showing you, W.

Oh my God. He's like, what are my best friends? Said the defensive man who's probably hiding something. Next round, which of the following is not a real pro wrestling story? A, The Undertaker wrestling Hulk Hogan with a noticeable erection. I hope that's real. B, Invader One stabbing Bruiser Brody in the shower. C, Macho Man locking Elizabeth indoors for a week with 21 frozen dinners.

Or D. The Iron Sheik clotheslining Marty Jannetty's coke and pilled up girlfriend. What was C again? C was Macho Man locking Elizabeth indoors for a week with 21 frozen dinners. Why does Macho Man have a wife whose name is like Little House on the Prairie? Dearest Elizabeth, I'm going to lock you in the freezer. My name is like Little House on the Prairie? Dearest Elizabeth, I'm gonna lock you in the freezer. My name is Elizabeth Macho Savage. It's been many moons since I brushed your tassels.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna say the Macho Man one. I'm gonna say A. The answer is A. It was the Iron Cheek, not Hulk Hogan. I don't like how Nat's answers are like the Joker's. It's like you're right, but there's just a barely difference. Wait, who hit the boner?

The Iron Sheik or the Undertaker? Unclear. Oh, God. We're going to have to do some research. I believe the Iron Sheik pissed his pants on Howard Stern one time. That seems like a thing he'd do. Yeah. The Iron Sheik is a fucking lunatic.

Hey, man. Make sure you tweet him and tell him that we're talking shit because we could get one, you know, piss-ass jabroni tweet. That would be beautiful. Ooh, that would be fantastic. I want to bring him with me to the Juggalos.

Oh, my God. The number of times I've been sitting with Keith in the middle of the night and I've said, mark my words, before I've shuffled off this mortal coil,

I will roast Juggalos. All right? Juggal roast. Of this I am, I will cling, if I develop cancer of the brain, of the heart, of the chest am I will cling If I develop cancer Of the brain Of the heart

Of the chest I will cling to life Until I can be wheeled out On a fucking service dolly Onto that gathering stage And roast those fucking cretins It's a dumb dream But I'm trying not to scorn

His simplicity So I don't know man They are fiercely protective Of each other Like I would I'd rather roast the crypts Than the juggalos.

Yeah, I keep trying to explain to Carter, they will murder you. Yeah, they're way more likely to... The Crips are way more likely to enjoy... I speak white trash. I'm going to be fine. You guys underestimate my lovability. Yeah. You know how many times I should have been murdered for things I said?

You know how many times I have? You're just going to remind them of the guy who stole the girl they had a crush on. I'm just going to remind them of some substitute teacher they hate who took away their, you know, Fago. Old Fago's nasty. I don't faggo one more period. Lunch is in an hour.

Guys, I find your lack of faith disturbing. Let's continue. Round three, which of the following is in a real pro wrestling story? A, Haku killing a shark with his bare hands. B, Jake the Snake killing snakes due to negligence. C.

I'm sorry. I have so many questions. How do you negligently own a snake? I mean, you don't give it a mouse for a year and a half. You don't have to feed him that much. So snake negligence is particularly grievous. Jake the Snake pretty much killed Jake the Snake due to negligence. I was at a comedy club and they said he was there the week before.

And they're like, yeah, it's pretty sad. Yeah, he's like hella dying. Yeah. C, Mr. Fuji cooking and serving roadkill is a joke. Or D, Coco Beware accidentally drowning

his bird Frankie. Coco Beware sounds like a Pokemon gym leader. Coco Beware sounds like a fucking drag queen. I was about to say, is she the pick to win for this season?

Yeah. Coco, that bitch got kicked off episode for this season? Yeah. No. Coco, that bitch got kicked off episode one. She stunk. Fuck her. One of the most underrated ones. I'm sorry I'm not invited to your little fucking gay club. You would enjoy it. I know I would.

We've got to get you on board. By the way, I don't have the time with my rigorous schedule of presidential biographies and Dragon Ball Super subs. A little cross promo, by the way. If anyone follows me on Facebook and Twitter, if you know the comedian Feng Chao here in LA, which you should, I'm going to have him watch all the Drag Race episodes

and give his reaction to each one. He's a furious little Chinese man who has contempt for all things. And he is furiously Chinese, too.

Yeah, he really is. I'm going to say Jake the Sink. He does look like if someone did a propaganda drawing of a Chinese person and then did it up

Hot Topic style, you would have Feng Chao. And he's a fantastic human being. I am alternative. I'm not racist. That is not racist. That is under-exaggerated. I mean, I'm also racist.

I'm going to say the Jake the Snake one. Of all the things to correct in this podcast so far, it would not be a Feng Chao impression. I'm going to say Jake the Snake.

The fake one is D. The bird died in a house fire. Oh, good. Wrestling is the worst. It's going to suck to be a bird in a fire. It's like, well, I can fly, but I guess... I've got to hope the roof burns first so I can find an exit point.

I guess I'll just die like some walking piece of shit. There was a Mexican joke off story that I was so mad that I couldn't find something to tie it into. A parrot witnessed a murder and it said, squawk, please stop, please stop, squawk, please stop, please stop. Oh no.

It was, yeah, this is a real news story. The parrot in Joe Dasch's apartment replied, Squawk harder. Squawk deeper. Squawk, let me call you dad. Squawk cock.

Well, hey. That's a lot now. I know. We have a lot of fun here, but let's not give the people the wrong ideas. I'm no friend of Dorothy, I tell you. You're a passive-aggressive acquaintance of Dorothy, Joe. You're a frenemy of Dorothy.

Alright, Dorothy has the floor. Which of the following is not a real pro-wrestling story? A. Hulk Hogan accidentally giving a muscle relaxer to a Make-A-Wish kid. Oh my god.

B. Bret Hart's dad torturing people in his basement. I'm gonna ease you into the next world, brother. C. Andre the Giant checking guys he didn't likes oil mid-match. Or D. Checking the

oil is when you slip a finger in the butt. That's the thing That real wrestling coaches Tell their kids to do If they're out of view From the judges Anyway Or D

Dusty Rhodes Shit and blood covered Man tampon Falling out mid-match For sure that one That yeah No wait no I believe that

I'm gonna say Andre the Giant No yeah I meant that's real I'm sorry Can you read me C again Andre the Giant Checking guys He didn't like his oil mid-match. I'm going to say A. The fake one is A.

Yeah. Yeah, he did not give our laxer to a Make-A-Wish kid. It's funny. Damn it, Nat. Well done. I thought there was going to be one of those. It was actually heroin. No, there's no twist-a-roo on this one.

Every child should have the right to die in Hulk Hogan's America. To slip away the agony of existence. I believe in euthanasia. The final round. All real or all fake. Which is the following. It's not a real pro wrestling story. A. Bruno Sammartino punching an orangutan.

It's a really disrespectful way to refer to Mark Henry. I know that's funny. I don't know why. He's a really disrespectful way to refer to Mark Henry. I know that's funny. I don't know why. He's a black guy. Oh, I thought he was like an overly tanned white guy. He's a chimpanzee. It's a different kind of racism. I rescind my laugh.

Move on. B, Randy Orton shitting in female wrestlers' bags. C. Wait, wait, wait. Did you say bags or backs? Bags. Oh. That's somehow worse.

Shooting on someone's back. I heard a really distressing story, by the way, that I'm going to have to share with the MeBoys listening audience. There's an old, like a 56-year-old Latina woman who's very, you know, very heavy-set. You know, looks like a grandma. Sure. And apparently she's like a horn dog. And her thing that she likes to do with guys is she likes to lay them down on their stomach

and then grind their vaginas on their back and leave like a slug trail of horchata on their spine until she comes. That's deeply unpleasant. Yeah. And if you know who it is, it's just really, really. And I do. And it makes me want to puke. All right.

I got snailed, bro. Throw some salt on that pussy. C, ultimate warrior working out nude in a gym waiting for a drug delivery. That's for sure true. Or D, Perry Satter not noticing he was stabbed in the neck while foiling a rape. Why am I not watching wrestling? I mean, foiling is better than the alternative. Foiling.

Perpetrating. Ironically, I got stabbed doing another one. If that's the Nat Baymel twist at the end of this, I'm going to be really upset. I'm going to say they're all real. Joe? Oh, they're all real, all fake? Yeah. These are all real, baby.

These are all real. Oh, God. Well done, gang. That's the following for this week. That was a hoot. Thank you, Nat. I think it's time to open up the Mean Boys mailbag. Oh, gang. That's the following for this week. That was a hoot. Thank you, Nat. I think it's time to open up the Mean Boys mailbag. Oh, boy.

We asked you to send us your political questions this week. Next week, by the way, we need some questions about God. Yeah. Or the lack thereof. Yeah, we are the gateway to the next life. Yeah, any religion questions you guys have. Let's get weird. The Mean Boys bunker is the gateway between worlds.

Let's have fun with it. You know, that's what we asked. Yeah. Like Yggdrasil in Norse mythology. All right, this one is quite the diatribe. We're stuck in a terrible two-party system. We have two private entities that effectively hold all the keys to our government, the Democratic and Republican parties.

But being private entities, they aren't beholden of the people. We watch the Democrats screw Sanders, and we watch the Republicans try to screw Trump, both effectively screwing the voters. Now what we'll watch is they screw Johnson out of the debates using rules designated to protect the very two-party oriented system they created. There's a beheading at the end of this, or my name ain't Joe Dosh. They've got a stranglehold on our democracy, but nowhere near the level of accountability we should be holding our government to, only because, hey, they're private entities. So at this point, do you think it would be in the American people's best interest to nationalize these two parties to bring a level of accountability up to a level more fitting of political office? What the fuck does that even mean?

I don't think he knows what he's talking about. No, this is why democracy doesn't work. This guy thinks he has the right idea. This guy felt so intelligent when he wrote it and just shouldn't. Alright, I'm not going to give you his full email, but I will tell you that it includes the phrase,

Guartard. I would vote for Guar. I would listen to the Guar cover of that retard song. Try to love him. Squirt blood on his bouncy face. You are a disappointing odorous in hell, mister. You didn't die for this. To nationalize these two parties and bring their level of accountability up to a level more

fitting of political office. Dude, what the fuck? Nationalize the parties? What does that mean? I think he's maybe referring to the Green Party and the Libertarian Party. Well, if that's what you're saying, I think they should stop being dumb hippies and get their shit together.

This is a genuine answer. It's not funny. But I read a thing that Dan Savage wrote, which is like, the Green Party shows up every four years and is like, we're the other option. But they don't run people for fucking local office. They don't start at the bottom. They're trying to build a party from the president down. And that's not how politics work.

Yeah. Hey, crazy super liberals don't have any money. Oh, yeah. No, just fucking get Sean Penn to get someone in a Senate seat and then start doing something. Yeah, they show up every few years. They don't actually do the work, and then they act like they're being railroaded. And it's like the fucking other parties did the work. And by the way, Jill Stein tweeted something about how nuclear power is a travesty.

And you're a fucking idiot, Jill Stein. Yeah, Jill Stein is like a cool grandma, but a shitty president. Yeah. I really hope this guy fingered whoever he wanted to finger as a result of this diatribe Because I found it utterly valueless Yeah, he set his acoustic guitar down by the side of the tree And was like, but seriously, babe Wonderwall can wait What are you doing with that skirt still on?

Let's you and me become a one-party system Oh, that's too much? I mean, it had real feelings on it. Yeah, trying to make it real, dog. It's called acting, motherfucker. Acting! Acting! Okay, yeah, I'm sorry.

I can't be Fat Naked Mystique on the Sci-Fi Channel for eight seconds. Got a lot of range carry. I literally was like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, oh, right, that's one of my only credits. It wasn't even eight seconds. It's like five. Yeah, it's like writing. Enough about your sexual experiences.

It's like a bull ride of shame. The rodeo god, why? That's the Mean Boys mailbag for this week. Send us your guide questions for next week. Meanboyspodcast.com slash contact. Anyone have any plugs? Yeah, I'm going to be in fresno this friday at uh forget where do you remember the name of that frank's place frank's place thank

you i'm gonna be at fresno frank's place headlining also in two weeks uh the same night keith carey is going to be roasting robin tran i am going to be roasting jamar neighbors who does the you know what's our mean at the beginning of our theme music that's gonna be a lot of fun that's gonna be a great night huh keith oh that Oh, that's going to be amazing. This whole week, I'm going to be participating in the San Francisco Comedy Competition and probably losing. So don't expect to hear much about this after this point. Tomorrow night, I've already received word that a Mean Boys fan is coming out to the

show. So I'm going to be giving him a free car knock sticker. Yay! This Saturday, I will be performing in Long Beach. Check that out on Facebook at some art gallery that I didn't write the name down of. And then I will also be at UCB Franklin for Tournament of Nerds at midnight. The 21st, I will be at Phineas Vlogs in Poway. And then the 27th, I'll be at the Comedy Store roasting Robin Trance.

I met Joe. Oh, that's going to be a fun meet. Oh, and the clock is ticking for the Carnock 2016 shirts. They are going to be gone on September 19th. So if you have not grabbed one, do so immediately. Yes, and I want to just clarify our plan with it. ticking for the Carnock 2016 shirts. They're going to be gone on September 19th, so if you have not grabbed one, do so immediately. Yes, and I want to just clarify our plan with it.

If these sell good and if you guys like this, we've had some people ask about us doing a Patreon. We would rather do the t-shirt thing. Yeah, do a t-shirt

of the month club. Yeah. Or a Dr. Mortaro shirt, a fuck everything got his dad shirt. Yeah, if you guys want to support the show, we'd rather take the money

and give you a cool thing. So please buy these and then hopefully we can keep it going and make it a fun thing. And that's going to go to our hosting fees in the mean boys war chest for our upcoming, uh,

sketchy video project. That is secret. Indeed. Very secret. But we have some very disturbing plans. So sure. And we need to leave, discuss them.

So guys, fuck everything. God is dead. Outro Music