Mean Boys - EP 35 - Refined Lard Cube

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Quote by Children’s Book Author or War Criminal”, “Don Carlo’s and the Taco Monster”, “Dan Carlin Attempts a Three Way” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Salvador Dahli pieces by @BadChopSuey. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Rhubarb Rudy's Rootin' Tootin' Radio Rumpus. The mean boys aren't here, so I'm borrowing their studio. I hope they don't mind. I'm sure they won't, though. I left them 12 thank you notes and a fridge full of Coogan. Can you imagine? Today we're going to talk about my favorite things to do in the fall. Spoiler alert, there's a pumpkin or three.

Then Edna Blurpins from the local library is going to stop by and tell us the best parts of reading quietly. It's going to be awesome. What the fuck is going on here? Hi, guys. It's your old pal, Rhubarb Rudy. You're not our pal. We hate you. Aw, you guys are just being goofballs.

Why are you always so salty all the time? I just want to give you guys love. Rhubarb would love. He seems pretty sincere. Break his fucking leg. Aw, jeez. Die. Die.

Everybody hates you, Rhubarb Rudy. You guys are really good at punching. Play the fucking song. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast, the thing to shove in the hole where your dreams used to go. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... Asexual Dairy Queen Manager. Every word of that is perfection. My genitals are McFlurry unto themselves. Just a blizzard of nonsense.

I have no genitals. Here's a dilly bar. I'm like a hermaphrodite But it's just like They blurred out The Japanese parts It's just like I have no feelings That's just where Urine comes out

You also look like You should smell like Soft serve Like you can't Get the Dairy Queen Blizzard smell Out of any of your Articles of clothing

When I'm clean Yes But when I get a little Grungy and I haven't Shaved for a couple days It's just like That man smells like rotted produce. Connor is the frozen yogurt of attractive dudes, isn't he?

He's like, you're not quite ice cream. You're fine. And it's like, I'm not even sure if he's better than me. I forget how that works. He's not even good, but you get to pour it yourself and then weigh it. Put enough strawberries on him. Well, yeah, you can put whatever you want on me and I won't complain. One for the Joe Spank Bank.

Connor McSpadden seen dumping chunks of cookie dough in his spirit. Yeah, that's kind of my personality and relationship. I'm like, I'm just going

to be subjected to whatever you got and then, you know, you can just weigh it at the counter and decide if it's worth it to you. Smother me in the gummy bears of your commitment issues.

You're dating Connor McSpadden? Girl, you better get toppings. You think I'm going to eat them plain? I always thought Connor was more of a bottomings. I think it's time for the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. I'll start this one off, boys. Chicago White Sox player Adam LaRoche

is retiring to go undercover in Thailand to fight human trafficking. Turns out there's no crying in baseball, but there's lots in child brothels. Oh, my fuck. We're back, bitches. Mexico has announced plans to build a wall on their southern border to keep out fleeing Central American immigrants. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau saw this and said, hey, good idea. New Yorker Conor is back.

He's not fucking around. That's the real Conor. New Yorker Connor is back. He's not fucking around. That's the real Connor. New Yorker Connor is real Connor. Fucking shitty middle American California Connor. That's the front. That's the fake Connor. That's the front. Dude, I just, everything I say, I want it to come out of the mouth of a cartoon bear

sipping tea in a place where he shouldn't be. Also known as Tom Goss. Oh, it's rolleries. 52 people were killed in a human stampede in Ethiopia. The stampede began after a local man left a sandwich unattended. Oh, dear. They were really hungry. Yeesh, Carrie.

A disemboweled man was discovered on the fairway of a Virginia golf course. The golfer was penalized two strokes for not fixing his flesh divot. By the way, I was offended by that joke until I realized that Keith probably has the amount of hunger empathy necessary to be qualified to make it. You've done horrible things for a sandwich before? Truly. Recently. A warm oceanic blob

triggered the world's worst toxic algae blooms on record this year. Upon hearing the news, Keith Carey remarked, boy, do I hope this news cycle picks up before we record on Monday. Also, I'm glad my twin brother is making a name for himself. Be honest, do you have a Google alert for the word blob? I'm so bummed out. Just blob, flush.

I did a switcheroo about how it wasn't about you, and then I made it about you. I'm going to have to share you a secret Connor and I shared the other day. I was at Smart and Final. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. There was a box that said refined lard cube. Fuck!

And I took a picture and sent it to Connor with the caption, Keith in a tuxedo. At least I'm refined. Fuck the lot of you. Oh my god. It's a good guy. Sir. Oh, my God. It's a good guy. Sure. That's the sound that one of Michael Vick's pit bulls make when it's being fed. That's when you try to awake a zoo bear from hibernation a month too early.

Hasbro has announced they will begin selling a line of robotic pets. The bionic animals are perfectly behaved and obedient, causing Connor McSpadden's parents to ask, hey, do you guys do kids? Well, I'm such a rebel. Also, you suck. I didn't think it out all the way, and reading it out loud, I realize that now. What can I

say? I'm a refined lard cube. Well, you're pretty good for a blob. Do you have a Google? I should set one up. Please, please fucking don't. A lawyer sued Emirates Airlines for forcing him to sit next to an obese passenger. The man to be countersued by spunky small-town attorney

Keith Brockovich. I would have also have accepted Keith hates Brockovich. I just... I didn't realize until right now how good I felt not doing this. It's not a hiatus. It's more of a hibernation. The sleep apnea needs to catch up every once in a while.

I'm sorry, Keith. It's okay. Fucking go, Connor. The FDA has launched an initiative to redefine the definition of healthy for use on food labels. In related news, war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. I cannot believe that didn't turn into one about me. It was just a 1984 joke. It was based on one of the five books I've read.

It turned it from cruelty into literature. It's like if you're about to get raped by LeVar Burton and then you don't. Hey, it turns out Joe's microphone is not facing the right direction and I just realized it now. Do I sound okay? You sound a whole lot better now. Sorry, podcast listeners. This is what you get for the

free show you just bought t-shirts for. That's what I... Okay. Oh no, I'm not mad at you. I was mad at you. I was berating myself for realizing that the pointsy silver things are supposed to face your mouth. This isn't interesting to anyone except for me. Donald Trump was quoted as saying that soldiers who commit suicide from PTSD, quote, can't handle it. He then referred to 9-11 first responders as being, quote, lousy at breathing before calling Holocaust victims, quote, too flammable. Well, if they were less flammable, it wouldn't have happened.

Like, everyone has a part in things. Yeesh. Speaking of which, a black protester offered a free hug to a cop during a Black Lives Matter protest in Charlotte. The man intends to travel back in time and play Who's Got the Fuhrer's Nose? Oh, the man in the high chair. Third-party candidate Gary Johnson has renewed his pledge to make it onto the presidential debate stage in October, and Jill Stein has announced that she will be debating her roommates about which Enya album to garden to.

A Midwestern man was attacked by two bears in the course of ten minutes, or as Joe Dosh calls it, a good night on Grindr. A meth-addicted mother confessed to abandoning her disabled son in the woods, saying, quote, I killed my kid. I killed my kid. I don't know why I did. The Lorax responded, unless someone kills dards a whole awful lot, the gene pool's not going to get better. It's not going to get better. It's not. I just heard rhyming in the woods.

First of all, how is that not a Keith joke? Exactly, yes. Second of all, how is it the only thing worse than all the Keith jokes we've ever done? That is quite funny. That was a Eugenics Dr. Seuss joke, and he even made some of those. That might be the most unsettling Mexican joke-off there's ever been. I had to pray about it.

To what? Joe, like, the upsetting part wasn't the content of the joke. It was the difficulty with which you kept your lips turned down as you tried to stop a smile from escaping your face. You were so pleased. The important thing is

this is a broad joy to people's hearts. The important thing is that child is dead. We delivered that joke with like the glee of like a child that's giving its kid a gift

that they didn't think they could afford on Christmas morning. It's the gift of laughter. I mean, not for him, but you know. Virginia man Robert Jones caught the largest catfish

ever recorded this week. Her name is Tiffany and she works at the Long Drunk silvers attached to the Chevron. Armed gunman robbed Kim Kardashian of a set of jewels worth over $10 million. Authorities are hoping to swiftly recover Kanye West's testicles. Set of jewels, $10 million. Newark County ball sack. There it is, everyone.

Well, the important thing is we said a lot of things that made us all feel bad. Well, the Mexican joke offended fire and ice, and I guess it was lard. I don't know. I went 0 for 5. This lard cube needs refining. The Mean Boys will be right back.

How far are we from La Jolla? We're getting close, Keith. I'm hungry. You know, on account of being so fat and all. That stinks. Well, at least Connor's not here. Also, I am a smug know-it-all cunt. Ha ha, you sure are. Let's try to find somewhere to pull off and grab a bite to eat before the show. I think there's an Arby's near this exit. Hey, hey, hey! What are you guys taco-ing about?

What? Who are you? How'd you get in my car? It's me, the taco monster! I heard you guys were getting hungry! Well, yeah, but that hardly seems like any of your business, magical anthropomorphic taco man. Hey, I'm not a man.

I'm a monster, okay? You of all people should know a thing or two about that, chubby. Well, that's fucking hurtful. Oh, he's growing on me a little bit. Hey, can I use your ox cord? I want to plug in my aye-aye-aye pod. Hey, can I use your aux cord? I want to plug in my iPod. Hey, what? What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood and I've got a case idea for you two.

Okay. Why not stop at Don Carlos Taco Shop on Pearl Street in La Jolla, California? It's located conveniently off the 5 freeway and serves the best Mexican food in the world. And no, I'm not just flandering i mean that sounds good but i'm a vegetarian and don't worry they serve gay people at don carlos as well as most major ethnicities they also have several options for people that don't eat carne for nada but what if i'm drawn to roasted flesh like i'm off to the flame well then you can enjoy the finest pollo carne asada carnitas and seafood that your meager comrade-y earnings can afford.

There's an enchilada options. Also, with beans, cheese, fish, beef, chicken, chorizo, and carnitas available for their enchiladas, there's even an enchilada enchiladas. That all sounds great and all, but why are you here? I'm a promotional mascot made in a laboratory that's on the run from the government. There's even an enchilada enchiladas. That all sounds great and all, but why are you here? I'm a promotional mascot made in a laboratory that's on the run from the government. I'm hitchhiking across the border via teleportation to spread the good word about Don Carlos. I was gonna guess that, but I guess you burrito me to it.

Nacho best work, my friend. If you don't go, I'd say you're're making a big mistake. That's steak in Spanish. It rhymes with mistake. Yeah, we got it. Okay, that's all for now. It's back to life on the run for me. Now watch me disappear. Tostada!

The Mean Boys podcast is proudly and I swear to God for real sponsored by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Stop by today and use the promo code MEANBOYS when you order our signature Carnac Asada burrito or go to eataburrito.com for more information. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to The Mean Boys Podcast. We're going to play a new game that I made up just for this. Are you guys excited? We sure are.

Good. This game is called Is This a Quote by a War Criminal or Children's Book Author? What could possibly be the jingle for this? I guess a tank and then like a little wind up like fucking da-dent-da-dent. I think the jingle for this is just that fucking Lorax joke from earlier. It's the fucking Tiananmen Square tank running over Winnie the Pooh. Oh, bother. Democracy.

No, it's Darth Vader blowing up a planet. Oh, Bothans. Good night, Moon. Good night, freedom. We're not even talking about Star Wars. He's the first war criminal I can think of. That was Darth Vader.

Also, he didn't blow up Boppen or Potha. I know. I know that. I was just, I wanted to help. Any damn way. You know, Goebbels was in there, Darth Vader, you know, all the big ones. Probably Pol Pot, you know, he's chilling.

Yeah, Polts was in the they were in the prequels like in the Asian looking ones the bad guy oh no they're on the spaceship the bad guy

this is 100% the accurate impression yeah there's like an Anakin kills one of them and he sort of goes no

but what has become of the space Jew am I still selling things? I have so much to say about Watto, but I think it's a separate podcast. All right, we're starting the Watto Grotto. Where we just... I hate everything.

No, WTF Watto True Facts. I'm out. That's a dot biz. Anyway. Here we go. Is this a quote from a war criminal or a children's book author? Sail on as tirelessly as ever, above an earth obscured by clouds, and with your shining glow of silver, dispel the fog that now abounds.

This is already harder than I thought it would be. I am going to... This is either from all the places you'll go, or like, this is how we're gonna put deadly gas on the battlefields of World War I. Yeah, this is helpful to not breathe

fucking mustard gas. I gotta say War Criminal. I'm gonna go Children's Author on this one. That is, the answer is War Criminal. It is a poem by Joseph Stalin. Wait, what?

Joseph Stalin was told to fucking wrote poems. Have you, he did, and have you seen, Keith, have you seen a picture of Stalin when he was in his 20s? He's fucking hot. Really? Oh, dude, he looks just Echo Park gorgeous.

He has long hair. I imagine he just looks like a superior Ramsey Badawi. Oh, no. Fuck you, Ramsey. You're not nearly as cute as Joseph Stalin. Oh, I've got to see this. If he writes poetry anyways... I mean, dreamy is the word.

Holy shit! I know! Holy shit! Hey, what the fucking shit? Yeah. That dude sold me an $8 loaf of bread the other day. Yeah, this man for sure wears those cut-off capri jeans. He's a monster.

That guy mispronounces all the meats at the taco truck in line in front of me. He does. He looks like a barista whose underwear I'd want to sniff. Anyway. So, moving on. That's a quote from a war criminal. Moving on. Quote, there is a trait in the Jewish character that does provoke animosity.

Even a stinker like Hitler didn't just pick on them for no reason. I got to figure it's children's book. Actually, not only do I know that that's children's book, I know that's Roald Dahl. That is absolutely correct. That is Roald Dahl, the writer of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Here's the problem. I have read almost every Roald Dahl book and hold them very near and dear to my heart. And I was planning on sharing them with my children someday, and I don't totally know what's the plan anymore. Yeah, share the books, just don't share that. Don't share that.

All right, you know what? I'm starting to really realize some things, thinking about the plot of the book The Witches. It's all about how to identify an undesirable race. Exactly, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is just wheeling out races of undermention. The fats will be the first to go. We are a metaphor.

They're from Loompa land. They're from the Weimer Republic. Yeah, the Oompa Loompas are really the jolliest way anyone's ever portrayed the gammas from Brave New World. What do you get when you're stabbed in the back? Your country falls down on foreign soil. Oh, my God. That's what the Oompa... The Wailing wall tastes like

schnozberries. I guess they're schnozberries for juice. Daddy, I want Liebensraum now. Get it, you nit. That's not a river of chocolate. That's a river of our blood. Oh my god. Didn't he also write Matilda? He true yeah yeah oh good the bfg

which i've been trying to come up with a correct acronym for oh the uh the fucking body fucking gentile i don't know oh dear anyway let's move on to something cheerier bankfalutin goblins our banks have been fluted for the last... I realize that is a misuse of the word falutin. Yeah, no, that is... The F-T-I-Z falutin fucking insurance. That is the Green Gats passage of Harry Potter, by the way.

Jesus. Anyway. When are authors going to discover that there's a wrong time to assign racial characteristics to mythical creatures? There really is. It's really... The one race in Star Trek where their Ten Commandments are called the Laws of Acquisition, and it's just about how to make the most money, and they're fucking space

Jews! And it's like, guys! Speaking about this, Keith and I were talking about the movie Zootopia, which I just saw. I totally didn't realize that it's absolutely a metaphor for crack. There's just a gentle little white lamb spreading a drug that makes all the predators go crazy and turn into animals. Jesus Christ. And the mayor is a super predator who accidentally takes the drug and then turns crazy.

It's Mary and Barry. Yeah, it's Mary. That's amazing. Anyway. Two men were killed at Sarajevo, and the best that Europe could do about it was kill 11 million more. I'm just thinking fart. I gotta say children's book author. I'm gonna go war criminal.

The correct answer is children's book author. That is A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh. Oh, no. Tigger bounced onto French Duke Ferdinand, and the rest is history. The fucking... The wonderful thing about Claymore's is Claymore's are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of murder. Their bottoms are made out of springs. Well, hey, bouncing beddies are just tiggers that fucking angle.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. We're allied with the Eoramon Empire. I'm the sick man of Europe. Eoramon Empire. That is a joke for nobody. Nobody but me. Oh, goodness. You know, the Kangas came from a prison colony.

Six million roos died. Next quote. Here we go. Quote, I will always remember you wherever I am. I say to you, I will always be with you in your heart. For sure, war criminal. That's correct. That is Charles Taylor, Liberian dictator, addressing a squadron of child soldiers.

As he pins the merit badges onto their AK-47s. With basically the lyrics from one of the songs from Tarzan. Oh my God. Well, yeah, let's put a grenade

in your lunchbox and there's a note from Mom. I mean, to be fair, if he ever wrote a story for his child soldiers, he's technically both. Well, I think the story was that they're fighting for a good cause. That sounds like a story from mom. I mean, to be fair, if he ever wrote a story for his child soldiers, he's technically both. Well, I think the story was that they're fighting

for a good cause. That sounds like a story to me. I would love to watch like a movie about just like a real inspirational child soldier, like troop leader. But yeah, he teaches him

how to like kill the other villagers, but also like how to love and trust each other. Yeah, how to make a tornado in a bottle. Not a burned village. That's going to be arts

and crafts and also genocide. That's going to be our Keanu after we get tired of this podcast. I may or may not be doing something with this. It's a great idea. All right. Next quote. Faith moves mountains, but only knowledge moves them to the right place. Ooh.

I got to go War Criminal. I think it's a double fake out. I'm gonna say Children's Author. The answer is War Criminal. That's from Joseph Goebbels. I'm at 100%. I'm scared. Yeah, you should be.

You're too blonde for me to feel comfortable about that. When there was one set of footprints in the ash, the Fuhrer was carrying me. Anyway, I'm a Sandy Brown. All right, thank you. All right. It's getting more Aryan as you get more of these right. One more quote.

I'm going Super Saiyan with racial purity. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half the people are right more than half the time. Hmm. Fuck. This one I think is the double fake out. But I want about a perfect game. Repeat the quote. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

War criminal. Children's author. The answer is children's author. Fuck. Boom. That is E.B. White, author of Charlotte's Web. Did you just say Charlotte's Web? I did say Charlotte's Web. I'm sorry.

Could you have been... That was the only way you could have been any cuntier. I know. Charlotte's Web. Charlottesweb. I spell web with two Bs and an E at the end. Winston Churchill is some pig. Templeton are the Jews.

Everything can't be the Jews Most things throughout history Are the Jews, Keith Instead of Templeton at the fair It's Templeton at the bank The economics collapse The Reichstag burning We know The thing is

This wouldn't sound so bad If we couldn't cite So many specific I don't know If that makes it better or worse I can't decide. It's like, yeah, we know our history, and we seem to be admiring of it. Well, I tell you what.

Since Connor destroyed Keith in that game, but we're going to go double or nothing, winner take all on a bonus round. Okay. This is going to be a long crystal knock if I lose. Bonus round. Where did this quote come from? It's not necessarily a children's book author or war colonel but if you can guess where the quote from a winner takes all you quote the hunter is a more moral man than the farmer the bull approaches the farmer expecting a treat or a

pat on the head and receives instead a bullet the beasts of the field know to expect nothing from the hunter but death read it one more time the hunter is a more moral man than the farmer the bull approaches the farmer expecting a treat or a pat on the head and receives instead a bullet the beasts of the field know to expect nothing from the hunter but death fuck that sounds like some shit

Teddy Roosevelt would say but I don't know what's a children's book author war criminal it doesn't have to be one of those I don't know. What's a children's book author war criminal? It doesn't have to be one of those. Where did this quote come from? I'll tell you what.

I'm just going to blow it. It's Fredegod that comes from a Werner Herzog documentary titled Happy People. Joe, you have the strangest method of creating games. It's just kind of a gumbo full of the things that you look at in your apartment at one in the morning. Yeah, let's find a core of pain and then spiral outward from there. Go, dog, go. Go to the gas chambers. Await your friends.

It's titled Happy People. Go, dog, go. All dogs must go alone. We must go alone to a break. The Mean Boys will be right back. From the creator of common sense and hardcore history comes a brand new podcasting experience. Fearless firebrand of broadcast media or yammering old crackpot, this is Dan Carlin attempts a threesome with his wife. When Dan Carlin got married, his sexual empire was at its watershed.

He charged gallantly into vagina like a phalanx of Greek hoplites, his dong like a halberd in the hands of a masterful barbarian wielder. But as he reached middle age, he has lost much of not only his stamina, but his will to go on romancing his wife. His libido suffered from Xerxes syndrome. Crippled by the silk slippers of complacency, he lacked the virility of Siraj before him. But this is a reminder never to forget the power of intelligence gathering and diplomacy in military conflict, as a late-night history search on his wife's iPad tipped Dan off to Linda's never-before-expressed bisexuality. Dan pulled the Schlieffen plan of marital maneuvers and proposed a threesome with the cute barista they were both acquainted with.

And unlike the German government of 1915, was met with resounding success. Dan, she's here. Hi. So I guess, make yourself comfortable. Would you like some wine? I'm sorry, we're a little new at this. It's okay, I guess I am too. Dan noticed a sense of unease spread over the battlefield.

Why is he narrating? That's how he talks, dear. Remembering Ogadai Khan, who had an almost sixth sense for realizing when his target was vulnerable, Dan plunged his tongue into his wife's mouth and tore her blouse off in a blitzkrieg of erotic fury. Though Dan secretly wanted the barista more than his wife he had grown so complacent with, he remembered the Third Reich's perilous Operation Barbarossa into Russia, and would never sacrifice the ultimate goal of the war for short-term ideological gain. Oh, Dan. Well, let me join in. Dan was enthralled by the sight of his wife making out with another woman. It was at this point in the threesome Dan suffered

the tragic flaw of Ogedei Khan, and regretted the amount of wine he had at dinner with Linda. Like the son of the great Khan, Dan was about to let alcohol rob him of his masculine prowess. Like the naval buildup of early 20th century Europe, Dan had to act fast or his opportunity for victory would be closed to him forever. Do it, Dan. I want to watch. Very well. Dan climbed atop the barista and issued this decree. Your vagina is no match for the might of my dong. Your puss trembles in the presence of my member. I shall inseminate you and all those you resemble.

Your womb will be a deluge of seed. My bloodline shall dominate yours until the fall of the great empire of Carthage. I will thrust into you mightily again and again and again. Oh my gosh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh. Um, can we try one more time?

I, um, I, I don't think I can do it again. Disclaimer, this sketch is merely kidding around and not the least bit based on reality. The Mean Boys Podcast are tremendous fans of Mr. Dan Carlin and have no doubt that he cracks gash and crushes puss with the best of them. Good day. The Mean Boys podcast returns and we close out the show as we always do

with a round of our favorite game, another fan-submitted round of Which of the Following? Woo! Huzzah! This one comes to us from AtBadChopSuey on Twitter who submitted a bevy of which of the following games,

two of which are very good, and one of which is outstanding, but probably not airable. Oh, no. Okay, we might need to do that one at some point. It's like song titles of a racist country band. Oh, no. Okay, well, let's look at that off air

and have some discussions. It's just the Jamar button would be worn down. I'll remind everyone what we just recorded. Bad Chop Suey also sent in a whole bunch of slams and a bunch of other great stuff. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You are fucking awesome. Good Chop Suey. More like Good Chop Suey.

God damn it. All right, well, I take that back. Get out, Rudy. Rudy's in your heart. More like good chop suey. All right, well, I take that back. Get out Rudy. Rudy's in your heart. He's infecting your soul. Anyone that provokes Rudy. My name's Rudy Baker Roger and I don't take your shit.

There's enough room in town for everybody. I am not living in a world of vegetable cowboy justice. Rudy Baker Roger and Rhubarb Rudy, you fucking fuck off out of town

and fall out of mine shaft. Man, that sounds like some taco monster would say. Connor, rhubarb's just a plant, though. It's not a vegetable or a fruit. Alright, I'm fucking Doc Cauliflower, and I just shot you guys both in the chest. Oh, boy. We gotta be dead for a minute. That's the game.

I'm rude of begging for mercy. Alright, yeah, I'm fucking White Eggplant Herb. Get the fuck out of this podcast so I can do this goddamn Witch of the Fall because that is Salvador Dali work of art? Jesus Christ. I've never seen you madder. I did not start a podcast to be a fucking babysitter.

You're grown men that constantly chastise me for being immature, and you are pretending to be vegetable-themed cowboys. Well, something's really grotted down his chest. It sure is. That's a stalk of rhubarb and a little bit too ripe. I'm going to be real. The key carrier's not coming back, so I reckon we best get going with this witch or the following.

I'm waiting, boy. It's like all my blood is mad. Witch of the Fong is not a real Salvador Dali work of art. A. The Great Masturbator. B. Soft Self-Portrait with Fried Bacon. C. Self-Portrait as a Baby in the Eyes of His Grandmother. Or D. Young Virgin Autosodomizedized by the horns of her own chastity. Mmm.

A little salty for my blood. That's how you bring out the flavor of rhubarb with salt. You don't say. You know what a rutabaga tastes like? Yeah. Genuinely asking, because I do not. Yeah, it's a great root vegetable. Okay.

It's like a tuber. All right, I'm doing my new character, quitting the podcast, man. Oh, bye. No, I'm having fun. All right, boys. We got a shoot-off brewing. You're going to need to take six steps in opposite directions and then draw your letter of the choice that you're making for this

which of the following game. All right, that's the gentleman's wager. On the count of three. One, two, three. I'm going to choose D, too. All right, I'm feeling a little bit of Tom Fuller on behalf of Rhubarb Brody, but it doesn't matter since you're both wrong. The answer is C, self-portrait as a baby in the eyes of his grandmother.

Far too normal sounding to be a real Salvador Dali work. I reckon that's true. Yeah, I reckon you guys suck. All right, number two, witch of the following ain't a Salvador Dali work. I reckon that's true. Yeah, I reckon you guys suck. All right. Number two, which of the following ain't a Salvador Dali thingamajig? A, debris of an automobile giving birth to a blind horse biting a telephone. B, atmospheric skull sodomizing a grand piano hairdresser depressed by the persistent good weather. Oh, my God. C, skull with its lyric appendage leaning on a night table,

which should have the exact temperature of a cardinal's nest. Or D, egg falling from a window looking over into the sea. God, Spanish artists sounded like they took mescaline, but they vaped it. Hey, I'm not totally sure who this guy is, but I feel like if you're going to overcommit to a bit, you aren't about to leave me hanging on a hanging man's knee. Yeah, first of all, you're going to stay here and die with the rest of us. Okay. bit you you aren't you aren't about to leave me hanging on yeah first of all you're gonna stay here and die with the rest of us okay i'm gonna be real there's more of a sodomy uh motif than i was expecting from this thing about art yeah well uh turns out that uh some of the things you can learn in school actually are pretty cool at the end of the day carrie that's the only art i know

is what's hanging on the walls of the diner where they serve rutabaga still which i assume is somewhere it's just pictures of boy rutabaga's, which I assume is somewhere. It's his picture of a boy rutabagas. To be honest, I don't believe that you can actually explain to me what a rutabaga is right now. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure a rutabaga is not a fictional thing. Like one of them screaming plant folk from them Harry Potter movies. I don't know for sure. Seen as it is a vegetable to you, it might as well be a fictional thing.

That's what we call a sling. I'm assuming you mean Dangle King Kerry. I'm Brute of Bank of Roger. I think my name was. You can put it in Coogan, though. Shut up, Brute. You better have a belt buckle. You better have a belt buckle.

I'm going to say it's option two. The questions are phrased in ABCD format. Unless you're going to answer in the proper manner, I'm not about to honor that response. B for bull honky. Bull honky, could you explain what a bull honky is real quick for the listening audience?

We're going to make a rubidub dub dub dub. That's a bull honky birth to a about Kevin. Like, I just unleashed a school shooting monster. I fucking have just had to live with myself. Okay, truce. This game is sponsored by UCB. All right, it's back on.

I'm going to do the pig fetus sodomy one or whatever it was. Yeah, C. Which one? There's two. I'm going to say C. I'm going to say C. The pig sodomy. Turns out that there's no pig sodomy.

There's an atmospheric skull sodomy. Is that what you meant? Yep, that's the one. I have a heck of a time thinking how you'd get an atmospheric skull confused with a pig. But it doesn't matter. You guys are wrong. It's the egg falling from a window. Atmospheric skull sodomy sounds like a subgenre of black metal.

Those fags and assholes. I don't understand my sound. Yeah, Joe just slammed his door and listens to atmospheric skull sodomy. Well, if you're not fucking the eye socket of a ghostly skull, then how are you really going to cum? That's what I want to know. Yeah, it's not our fault you're not fucking the eye socket of a ghostly skull, then how are you really going to cum? That's what I want to know. Yeah, it's not our fault you're afraid of love. These songs called cranium cum. Like cranium.

All right, now you brought this guy back and he's sending you right out of those saloon doors. Oh, is that so? Oh, it is so. I don't remember making you share for this time. I don't remember you ever... Can we team up and just make boom howling noises at Rudy? Yeah, we just... Can we team up and just make boom howling noises at Rudy? Dang, I think we should invent a cowboy jazz.

People are paying attention to me. Unfortunately. Proceed with the fucking game. If you guys would have bought more Carnock shirts, we could have afforded improv classes. If you wanted to listen to a shitty podcast. Yes, and this is terrible. All right. Number three.

Which of the following is not a real Salvador Dali painting? A. Suburbs of a paranoiac critical town. B. Masturbator in repose. C. Hitler masturbating. Or D. Metamorphosis of Hitler's face

into a moonlit landscape with accompaniment. I feel like Hitler masturbating was the original title of Guernica. I feel like Hitler masturbating was the original title of Guernica. I feel like Hitler masturbating was the original title of this podcast. Joe, that joke you made, I promise, makes no sense to anyone that isn't you. David, I

didn't get that one. What was A again? A was I was Googling one of the paintings. Suburbs of a paranoid critical town. Sounds like a less than Jake song. That's about as broad-ranging of a reference as your fucking Guernica joke.

Yeah, they played that as a show with... You got my Guernica joke. Guys, that is an Orange Jumpsuit Apparatus song. Or Red Jumpsuit. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. All right, whatever.

I was straight in high school. You were close enough. B. You know, I think Masturbator and Repose as opposed to like active masturbator. Active masturbator alert. Lock doors. I'm going to say windows.

Close the jizz locks before this explosive decompression. I'm going to choose Hitler masturbating, whatever. The fake one is masturbator and repose. Oh, boy. You got it right. Oh, did I? I think so Oh yeah you did Nevermind hooray

We're bad at this I'm gonna straight up with you This is all about the riff I've stopped paying attention to the answers Well yeah here's the thing We built a podcast where the anchor segment Is a game where no one keeps score And no one ever has

It's like board games in real life They're really more just conversation pieces. See, that's what I say and then people give me dirty looks and then I'm like, hey, fuck me for trying to be your friend.

This is fucking whose hate crime is it anyway? God is dead and the points don't matter. Oh, man. We got to open the next show with that. Or that might be

the episode title. Number four, which of the following is not a real Salvador Dali work of art? A, Flowing River in the Mouth not a real Salvador Dali work of art? A, flowing river in the mouth of a bear. That is a Joe,

Joe Dosh thing. I already did that bad joke earlier. Okay. All right, it's covered. I'm just glad I didn't know

it's out there. Yeah. B, man holding up a baby as though he were drinking from a bottle. C, myself at the age of 10

when I was the grasshopper child. That is something Tom tweeted. D. Necrophilic fountain flowing from a grand piano. Necrophilic fountain, you say? Egremortaro! Wow, have you been trying to spruce up your office? I have one. It's like the opposite of a baptismal font.

Back you go. Would you call it a necrotism? up your office? I have one. It's like the opposite of a baptismal font. Back you go. Would you call it a necrotism? I would call it a fetal scrubbing bubbler. I'm gonna go ahead and say D. I'm gonna say D as well. Actually, I said A. The fake one is A. Oh, boy.

Alright. Out of content to proceed which of the following not painting from Spanish creep this not all or nothing all or fake what

choose all or choose fake we broke the fucking I am cowboy or something me forget yeehaw protocol. Some reason still insist on reading all games despite having poorest ability to read. Made 1984 joke earlier to try to seem more knowledgeable, but probably seemed less knowledgeable because that's a book everyone had to read in school, even though I read it extracurricularly. Like how hard struggling to take appropriate amount of words

out of sentences to make bit work. Very, very hard. What the fuck happened to this game? Hey, what the fuck happened to my friends, bro? All are fake. Salvador Dali works of art. A, a sage in the cloud leaning over a table with an elephant. B, the auto-vivisection of Madonna.

C, family of birds in open skull. the cloud leaning over a table with an elephant. B. The auto-vivisection of Madonna. C. Family of birds in open skull. Or D. Eponymous. The auto-vivisection of Madonna. That's literally the Virgin Mary cutting herself open. Very fucking atmospheric skull fuck metal, or whatever it was. Atmospheric skull fuck metal. Alright, well

I think we got the next t-shirt. I'm gonna say all real. Just a guitar fucking a skull in the eye socket with wings. Fucking Salvador Dali was rad. He would let fucking kids light fireworks with his cigarettes and shit. Well, I gave the Ninos across the street from me matches, so they would stop making fun of me one time. So I feel like I could probably be the next Salvador Dali. What's that get fired to those children who have actively tried to harm us? I mean, they threw rocks at us. time, so I feel like I could probably be the next Salvador Dali. What a fucking piece of shit.

Who have actively tried to harm us. They threw rocks at us. Here's the thing. I'm afraid of them. So you weaponized them. Just trying to appease their demands. And now you're going to go over there and punch them and then sing a sob story to the UN. It's just America all over again.

Alright, I don't know what kind of Palestine riff is happening here, but you better continue losing Bad Chop Suey's game, okay? I'm going to say all fake. I'm going to say all real. They're all fake. Ba-boom! The game goes to Keith.

Probably. This guy's a fucking Salvador Dali snob and a fan of us. God, we have the weirdest group of people. Well, yeah, dude, I love him. All right, he or she, I forget. I have appended here with a collection of disparaging comments. Oh, the Mean Boys mailbag. You've got mean.

I was going to say how little I signed up on that. Hey, well, here's the thing. This is a democracy, and we all know my vote counts for four. So I've appended here with a collection of disparaging comments of a humorous nature. In the common parlance, they might be referred to as slams. They are all of a largely superficial nature, as I know none of you personally, only what I've learned from listening to the podcast. I've also provided three possible

which of the following games if you wish to use them. Would you guys like to hear some slams on you? Yeah, sure. Solid work with the Salvador Dali thing. By the way, that was some of the most articulate, like, unnecessarily complicated sentences I've ever read in my life. Yeah, because most of our emails just open with

hey faggot slash fat faggot slash Connor slash boring one. Yeah, but this one you write as cuntily as I write when I'm trying to sound smart

and that makes me like you quite a bit. Joe Dosh looks like an anorexic potato. Accurate. Joe's so gay my dad disowned him. Oh, fuck!

Yes, bitch! Jesus. That's an incredible joke. Joe's so gay my dad disowned him. Oh, fuck! Yes, bitch! Jesus. That's an incredible joke. Joe's so gay, my dad disowned me. That's excellent. Joe loves to fuck cops. If Joe had any more cops shoot into him, he'd be an Oakland Raiders starter jacket. Oh, my God.

It sounds like she comes from a finishing school, too. I know. Like, these all have the poise of a fucking proper lady. Joe is such a disreputable sodomite. I don't know if it's a dude or a girl. I should probably read the email closer. Whatever it is, it's all right. Yeah.

All right, we'll have Robin on soon. Joe is the meanest of you all. Every time he says something awful, I feel a little better about the whole Matthew Shepard thing. Jesus. Oh, my God. There's about two things Joe takes seriously. One of them is rhubarb, and the other one's gay hate crimes. And you sort of

tread it on him. But she'll bring it back around with this one. Joe looks like an accountant for the Aryan Brotherhood. The Brotherhood? I might have said Brotherhood wrong. Brotherhood is like the racist buffaloes, right? The Aryan Brotherhood.

Connor McSpadden sounds like the name a shitty black comic gives to his generic white guy character parentheses no offense,

Jamar. May or may not have a bit about exactly that. Connor looks like the lead in a gay porn parody of Ferris Bueller's

Dick Dog. Ferris Bueller jerks off. Connor looks like he'd get raped on the bus to prison. Like by the bus driver. Get used to it. Someone hold on to the wheel. The wheels on the bus won't stop this from happening.

It's going down. Accept it now. Oh, God. Connor looks like a Nazi whose wrists are too limp to salute Hitler. There's something about me reading my own abuse that's so funny. We should have this as a segment. Send in things that are horrible about us

that we have to read ourselves. Oh my God, yes. I'll make Keith read his. Oh, good. Connor was a shoo-in for the role of Stephen Hawking in Theory of Everything,

but the producer said he'd need to bulk up for a part. Oh my God. Connor looks like Tilda Swinton before she became a man. Everything about that is great. Connor looks like Tilda Swinton before she became a man. Everything about that is great.

Connor looks like he has scurvy, which is ironic since he's from Orange County. I'm from Chino. I'm from Chino, bitch. Oh, shut up. You're Orange County. Hey, you know what? You get one dud for a lot of gems. Oh my god.

Yeah, just read them, Kerry. Don't even. Keith looks like the bitter ex-road manager for the Indigo Girls who was fired for taking too many shits on the tour. It's so rare to have a roast joke with that many moving parts that's still so fucking funny. Keith looks like the spokesperson for the It Somehow Gets Worse campaign. Keith looks like a transgender YouTube comment. Keith looks like school shooter Garrison Keillor. I don't even know what that is.

It's the guy who owns the Prairie Oak Companion. Perfect. Keith is bisexual, and so is anyone who fucks him. Keith is gout of the closet. Can I read one? I want to be involved. How did I not see these? Keith looks like someone shoved spoiled ham into a melted Aunt Jemima bottle.

Oh, Joe wanted to read one. They can have that last one that's terrible. Okay. Oh, Keith looks like the violator from Spawn. Oh, look at the clown. There's something there. Wow. That was exceptional work.

Oh, my God. Well done, Mitch. Yeah, after the show, you had a higher hit ratio than any of our other chuddy-ass listeners. Yeah, step it up, Ryan Colby. Yeah. All right, we asked you to write in on your greatest regrets. So let's read a few here. My uncle and I received a creepy crawling machine for Christmas,

parentheses, Carnachmus, when I believe I was six-ish, and I think... Tis the season! Tra-la-la-la-la! I'm going to keep reading, and then he's going to interrupt me. On the twelfth day of Carnotmas Your family was still dead Go on It's going to be back

America America This is you So we always made these crazy rubber spiders and centipedes. Well, we decided to put them on our great-grandma Jane while she was sleeping in her old fat people power lift chair. And she was terrified of all bugs, so we thought it would get a good laugh. And when she woke up, she was scared. But anyway, she had a heart attack and died.

True story. No one in my family ever talks about it, but me and my uncle know we killed her. That's a lie the only thing that makes the story believable is that he says that he was six and his uncle was ten so it's like a fucking one of those weird families yeah that's a good detail but yeah you're full of shit

it reeks of contrivance I've heard show us the death certificate I do not believe that your grandma died because of those fake spiders all right there's a death crawler is parenthetically creepy. That's our next game. Mail in your fucking wackiest loved one's death certificate.

Death certificates for gift certificates. Go on $20 to Buffalo Wild Wings. Earn it. Lose an ant. I heard that Hank Hill read the autopsy. I have so many regrets. Dang it, Bobby. It's crib death.

Oh, no. Hey, Dan. You can't let a lion back. Dang, all that has slept on the wrong side. Babies were invented by the government. I can't do it, Dale. That was a bad deal I took a swing

By the way, listen to us on This Is Rad Talking King of the Hill Yeah That was a heck of an episode We also get to hear how I shit my pants Yeah And that's a story that doesn't get to be on the Mean Boys show Because we want you to listen to the good folks at This Is Rad

They're solid people Cross promotion Damn fine Unlike Connor Steele He's very solid Not Kyle Clark. He's more of an amorphous solid. He's like if gas could be a gelatin.

Oh my God. Sorry, go ahead. Oh, you remember when you get a bag of coal in your stocking, but it's actually gum that's made to look like coal? Yeah. That's what my poops look like today, so I'm all over the map. Duke watch. I never got one of those things.

Well, Joe. I was a good child. You probably got some real coal, you know, so I'm all over the map. Duke watch. I never got one of those things. Well, Joe. I was a good child. You probably got some real coal. You know, on account of the way the guy shaped you? They're having a gentleman's handshake. Like two foreign leaders that don't really like each other but have to be civil for the camera. All right. Mr. Megdevev, I have more mailbag readings for you.

I have so many regrets, but when I start thinking about if I had done things differently, then everything would change, and I would have ended up someplace completely different. If I hadn't held up that bank, I would never have met my best friend Lefty, you know? I assume that's a movie. I hope it's a movie. I regret not emailing that chain letter back in middle school. I kind of feel like some of those, I'm like, am I just living in the years of bad luck that were brought on? That's true.

There's got to be some legit gypsies out there actually putting real curses on them. But I did forward some and like, dear God, is this my good luck? Yeah. It's probably like, you know, still like you can put the condom on and still get AIDS or get pregnant. There's probably a couple of chain letters like that. I remember there's a fantastic golden era of MySpace death hoaxes.

And one of them was about Travis Barker. And you read the bulletin and had all the HTML and you scroll down. It's like Travis Barker, beloved drummer for Blink 182 and other projects, was killed in a car crash driving home from an award show last night. And I was reading this and I was like, there was no award show last night. Travis Barker's fucking fine. And then he was. That is quite possibly the worst story.

I didn't think it was possible, but you did it. Whatever. The Cliff's notes to that anecdote could be, I thought something happened, but it didn't. That was literally 45 seconds to explain the lack of an action. Well, people, I thought something happened, but it didn't. That was literally 45 seconds to explain the lack of an action. Well, people, step your hoax game up

is what I'm trying to say. One of my deepest regrets is lying to my honey one time when we were first dating. I never have again, but in the back of my mind, I think they always wonder. The other one that keeps me up at night is not spending enough time with my nieces when they were little. Those are times I can never get back. Thanks, mean boys. Now I want to First of all, go for it. Second of all, your deepest regret should be calling whatever you're dating your honey.

I really, truly struggle with that. Unless you're a cartoon bear whose author is apparently racist. Then I feel like... We get one sincere email and we shit on him. I don't know. What are we supposed to do? is apparently racist. And I feel like... Oh, dude, that's really... We get one sincere email and we shit on him? I don't know. What are we supposed to do? Offer genuine therapy?

We're monsters. The Mean Boys does make an exception for fly honeys. But let that slide. We do like all the fly honeys. Well, you catch more fly honeys with, I guess, honey than with... Vinegar? Probably vinegar, yeah. Hey, I'm sorry about your knees.

If you want, you can come over and play with Tom. Well, time for me to rustle in and round up this show. Alright, we got one more email and I've only included it because it compliments me and you guys have hurt my feelings. Hi Connor, saw you last night at Kreuzberg Coffee. Great show, man. Was a total surprise you were there.

Good to see Tom guys too. Both of you were fucking hilarious. First time going to that show on Friday. Are you guys there at Kreuzberg Coffee. Great show, man. Was a total surprise you were there. Good to see Tom guys, too. Both of you were fucking hilarious. First time going to that show on Friday. Are you guys there often? Are you doing the other guys come, too? Looking forward to the next podcast. I hope you go along since last week was missed. God is dead.

See you at the Glory Hall. Thanks for listening. Oh, good. That was nice. Yeah, we'll come do that show together someday. Yeah. From San Luis Obispo. That'll be fun. I like to shove stocks of rhubarb through Glory Halls.

Everyone leaves really happy. All right, that's because you only use the glory hole at the fucking goat farm. At the cracker barrel. All right, well,

isn't that what Joe's family wears to cover their genitals in the summertime? Go over Niagara Falls in a cracker barrel. There are a few things funnier to me

than a barrel overalls. You do love it. My family still on a cracker barrel. There are a few things funnier to me than a barrel overalls. You do love it. My family still has a Hoover grudge. That's a vacuum that sucks up the ability to be tolerable

to other people. All right, guys. The night this comes out, I believe that is Tuesday the 4th, I will be roast battling Jamar Neighbors at the world famous

comedy store. Also, I will be at the Pioneer Underground in Reno, Nevada Friday and Saturday. So Nevada people, come check that out. Yeah. I will be at the Hollywood Improv next Tuesday at 10 p.m. And then that weekend I will be featuring at the Ventura Harmony Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday. So beach morons, come party. Tuesday, October 11th, I will be at Harvell's in Long Beach.

The 14th, I will be nowhere, because I read that wrong. And the 18th, I will be at the Historical Roast at the Nerd Melt showroom at Meltdown Comics here in Los Angeles, California. So check that out. All right. Okay, then. I think it's time to sign off. Fuck everything. God is alive and well.

Shut up! Shut up!