Mean Boys - EP 37 - We Blame The Slaves (feat. Tom Goss)

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Tom Tompardy”, “Tom in Area 51”, “The Explanatory Leprechaun Explains The AIDS Epidemic” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Sesame Street Video Games by Cali Velasquez. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, I'm Tom Gosch, the Mean Boys Podcast. Sometimes, please remember to leave us a review on iTunes. Keep going. Yeah, review on iTunes. Follow us on Twitter. And do we have an Instagram? No. Not on Instagram.

But follow us on Twitter. And also YouTube. And please, thank you for the Don Carlos. He has Bill Clinton hand right now. You need to know that. He's doing the thumb. No, seriously, I've had those burritos. They're fucking amazing.

They are really, really fucking good. They got the curly fries in the California burritos, which I absolutely love. And the Don who talked to me, I think he was a little scared of me, but he told me about how he proportions the burritos, which I absolutely love. And the Don who talked to me, I think he was a little scared of me, but he told me about how he proportions the burritos, and you can taste the difference. They're fucking great. What else am I supposed to say?

EatABurrito.com. Oh, yeah, go to EatABurrito.com for more Don Carlos-based information. All right, let's start this fucking show hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast there is no authority but yourself and you're terrible i'm keith carey i'm joe dosh i'm tom goss and i'm malnourished pilgrim housewife Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. There is no authority but yourself and you're terrible. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Tom Goss.

And I'm... Malnourished Pilgrim Housewife. Wind is coming. Oh God, you look like a goody McSpadden. You really do. You only eat oats. You know, in the... No, Tom, those are horses.

That's like... Do you think pilgrims are horses? Yeah. When the horse people colonized America and took it from the, not the other Indians, but the other other Indians. People in the past was animals.

It's evolution. That's what oatmeal is. Is there some like Mormon fuck who's just like, we just eat plants? He's a Quaker. That's why it's called Quaker oats. No, there's Mormons too.

Oh no, that was corn. I know Mormons eat oatmeal, but they're... And by the way, you're thinking of graham crackers, which this graham crackers were invented to keep you from masturbating. One of the weird. What? That's true. They were meant to say to your lusts. They're meant to have a sugary cracker tree when you feel like.

Well, as a man who spent most of his childhood eating graham crackers and not fucking, I got to say, a decent success ratio. There you go. I should tell the listeners my favorite snack, which is I ate graham crackers broken up into the individual rectangles. You dip the graham cracker in peanut butter, and then you dip the peanut buttery graham cracker into applesauce, and then you dip that in your mouth. That sounds pretty all right. And I had that for breakfast every day for about 15 years. God, and now you're just this lanky amoeba. Lanky amoeba. Lanky amoeba.

Applesauce and graham crackers. It does a body mediocre. Dude, you look like a white cell that just went through its growth spurt. If only I wrote new material, I'd be able to put out albums with all these great titles. Lanky amoeba. Well, Tom Goss is here, everyone. Hey, Tom. Always a pleasure. Tom and I watched the film Taxi Driver last night.

Well, Connor watched half of it and then fell asleep because he ate too many graham crackers. But, yeah, no, it was pretty good. Oh, Joe, good. Did you get tired from all those boners he was in heaven? Wow, yeah. No, I'm a big fan of the Travis guy. Yeah, well, we were literally laying stomachs down in my bed watching it on my laptop on my desk. That's adorable.

Like the most school shooter sleepover. They weren't there, but they were there in spirit. Tom, tell us your assessment of the movie. I don't think it was that nuts. Tom's favorite snack, graham cracker and jewelry cleaner. By the way, note that his argument is not that these people deserve to die. The argument is he's not that nuts. You can make the argument,

yeah, you should kill that pimp and free that girl, but he's definitely crazy, Tom. Do you understand where we're coming from? Yeah, I did. No, I never said he wasn't crazy. I'm saying he's not that crazy. I forget you're grading on a bit of a curve. That's fair enough. But your grade and your

body are a bell curve. Yeah, as a connoisseur of Orange County's finer mental institutions, I imagine you've met a few Bickley or Travises. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, no, the Bickle scale is crazy where I've been. Bickle scale. What kind of mood is Tom in today? He's about at eight on the Bickle scale.

On the scale of Bickle to Bateman. Where's he at? Fuck this. Mexican joke off. Hi, so topic. All right, everybody. North Korea launched its new long-range missile today, which exploded shortly after takeoff.

After the premature detonation, the scientist who designed it said, I'm so sorry. This usually never happens. Do you want to put on some music and give me like five minutes? I've said that a lot. Actor Luke Perry celebrated his 50th birthday

by appearing on the cover of AARP magazine, making him officially 9021 old as fuck. The FBI discovered that Saddam Hussein had been keeping an underground torture chamber in its embassy on New York's Upper East Side. The henchman remarked, but the real torture was not having rent control. New Yorker Joe.

Wow. A challenger to my throne. Selfies with voting ballots are now legal in New Hampshire in a move that is being called the end of Jim Crow for basic bitches. Oh, dear. Wow. Damn, son. That was a coherent ass thought We're all done Tom Goss God, this is a trail of frappuccinos

Leading to the back of the bus Yeah, sometimes Tom will do something And you'll be like, maybe he isn't that crazy I will go in and out That's how sex works, Tom And food That's how sex works in Clockwork Orange. That guy just looked like he wanted to fuck.

Well, Clockwork Orange is 100% next. You missed mascara on the other eye. The documentaries that Tom doesn't know are about him, Movie Club. A Pennsylvania man was shot by his girlfriend after shoving her face into a piece of pizza. Police chief Dice Clayson in a statement on the case. If you wanted to shove her face into a pie, you should have used a hair pie. Oh!

Oh, no! That's not a great word for me. You weren't feeling it. I didn't feel Dice's spirit coming inside you. I didn't feel it. I'll tell you what, when I'm doing a Dice joke, he comes from deep. You've got to channel your inner Dice.

I imagine. There's a little Dice in all of us. It's like speaking in tongues, you know, at a'm doing a dice joke, he comes from deep. You've got to channel your inner dice. I imagine. There's a little dice in all of us. It's like speaking in tongues, you know, at a Mesopotamian church. It's glossolalia, whatever. Yeah, it didn't move me. McDonald's has suspended use of Ronald McDonald following a rash of clown-related violence across the U.S. For additional security, the LAPD has imposed a strict curfew on Tom Goss. I don't wear makeup. For additional security, the LAPD has imposed a strict curfew on Tom Goss.

I don't wear makeup. By the way, I have a statement to read regarding the killer clown epidemic from our good friends in the Insane Clown Posse later, so please don't let me forget this. I will not. All right. Marine biologists have officially declared the death of Australia's Great Barrier Reef. The news prompted Dory to remark, just keep swimming through acid. Oh, man, what is Ellen DeGeneres going to do? That shit's bleached, bro. It's all white.

It ain't colorful no more. A powerful hurricane tore through Haiti. The children of Haiti were heard screaming, yay, we get a shower this year. Oh, shit. Damn, Tom. Oh, my God. Watching you do a Mexican joke off over the months is just like seeing an artificial intelligence computer learn. It's like, oh my God, it's adapting.

It's like a blossoming flower of potato chip wrappers. It's like watching somebody go through physical therapy to learn to walk again and then just immediately kicking an old lady over and taking her purse. Oh, yeah. A Missouri fraternity is under investigation for allegedly teaching pledges how to use date rape drugs. Campus officials are calling this behavior disgusting because if you want to make a girl from Missouri confused and sleepy, just read her a book. A new Winnie the Pooh book has been released to celebrate

the character's 90th anniversary. The authors have updated the source material for modern audiences by changing the name of Tigger to Taffrican American. Jesus, what the fuck? Hundred Acre Landfill. I didn't know if it was good or not. Who's spray painting the most wonderful thing about Tiggers in this alley?

Ain't nothing wonderful about them in this neighborhood. Wonderful thing about Tiggers is they don't know where I live. Does that make Owl... Tiggers are mean. Why are Tiggers are mean? Tiggers are mean. Tiggers are mean. Oh, I missed the part where we...

Okay. Tom just got it. Does that make Owl like Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino? They ain't come into this neighborhood. Yeah. Who's the zipper head on my yard?

Oh, dear. Oh, they all got zippers. They're stuffed animals, Alan. Exactly. Thank you. Several more women have accused Donald Trump of sexual assault. The Clintons claim the only thing they've grabbed by the pussy are the Balkans, the middle class, and the black family.

Gee. What? Did Bill Maher not take that in 1997? I love it. Kim Kardashian was robbed in Paris at gunpoint for $10 million. All of France is genuinely apologizing. The assailant didn't just shoot her. All right.

Well, you know, I was two for three so far. Yeah. Not bad. All right. Gearing up to be two for four. A Jehovah's Witness died during childbirth after she refused a blood transfusion. On the bright side, the gene pool has received a logic transfusion. I like that you said childbirth.

There have been a lot of black jokes that have osmosis-ed into your brain. Osmosis-ed into your brain. Bob Dylan was awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize. He graciously accepted, saying in his speech, quote, Bob Dylan is a vampire. Somalias announced that a cheap bottle of wine can be transformed into a more expensive vintage by running

it through a blender for 30 seconds. This process to be known as Tom Goss alchemy. I turned lead into gold and the Pope wanted to burn me. Yeah, I used a toothpaste and I made my own menthols. You're welcome. Daredevil has finally cleared the famous Evel Knievel Snake River Canyon jump.

After the jump, the canyon disappeared as Joe Dosh ceased gaping. All right. It was bad. What? The implication is that the Snake River Canyon was your anus. I tried to get you back. It didn't work. River Canyon was your anus. I tried to get you back.

It didn't work. My anus is shallower than I'd like. It doesn't twist around. His anus takes a lot of pictures of its food. It's Adam and Evil Knievel, not Adam and Stevel Knievel. Let me give you back your shoehorn for that joke. Me and Tom liked it. Oh, man, I really peaked early.

And you have so little time left to live. All joking aside, I could really do for more of some rectal depth. Anyway. Well, all right. Well, if anyone has some kind of god-awful infomercial product that could slowly widen my co-host. I will take it away. A one-eyed bullfighter has been gored again in the same eye. Bullfighting pundits compared his persistence to Keith Carey continuing to attempt short topical jokes on a weekly podcast.

I don't like that this is the follow-up here. 24 people were killed during a flood in Vietnam. Authorities say they had a hard time distinguishing who was drowning and who was just talking. You tried so hard not to laugh at that. Just because it's like a hacky road comic. I know what it is. You say it in a monologue voice. It doesn't make it Shakespeare.

He muscled it in. He fucking square pegged that round hole. I liked it. I thought we moved on from your asshole. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has officially endorsed the Black Lives Matter movement. It will unveil two new flavors, 13th Amendment and Fudge Lando Castile. 13th Amendment. I don't get it.

That's... That's... Wait, no! Assaulted Carmel! That's the Slave Amendment, dear. Oh my god. Assaulted Carmel. That's the slave amendment, dear. Oh my god. Salt and caramel. A Pennsylvania mayor is being asked to resign after racist Facebook posts.

The mayor was heard and confused, claiming, What's the problem? It's not like they know how to read it. Oh, shit. Oh, gee. He said it. I didn't write it. You did write it. I did write it, too, but I meant, okay, from his perspective

The classic Archie Bunker defense Tom that was like When the fucking ventriloquist dummy Says the naughty thing And he's like Wow that's what Horace is asking We've all been bad on this Earth

I love all people. What are you saying? Because all lives matter. Okay, now you're twisting my words. Yeah, especially squirrels. In Taxi Driver 2, Tom will write that on the wall in blood. I love all people. Yeah, Tom drove a Lyft for a short period,

and I would do nothing in heaven to not see a documentary about that time period. One day a rain's going to come clean this filth and also wash my car. That's how I clean it. It's filth. Every day I've got to clean the Cheeto bags out of the front seat. I tried taking the filth into the car wash. They just got sprayed. Okay.

Well, so, Joe, would you like to read the statement? Yes, I have a prepared statement. We've all heard. Well, first of all, we know on Twitter we've been tweeting at the insane clown posse in an attempt to get the good books on the Gary and the Gentles. Oh, very diligently. Yeah, we definitely didn't stop. It's not been fruitful, no. All the same, we like to think the ICP, they're our brothers in art, you know.

Amen. Yeah, I'm not articulate today. But as we all know, there's been the killer clown epidemic going on in america a violent jay of icp put out a statement that i think we owe it to them to read um anyway here's violent jay's statement on the killer clown epidemic every once again everyone again is seeing so-called killer clowns everywhere popping out of bushes threatening people on social media and assorted other public pr Cops have actually arrested a few people this time around, because there's a lot of copycats out there and mass hysteria has a way of making people

do stupid shit. ICP has discovered over the last decade, there's a whole army of scary, terrifying, dangerous clowns out there in this country trying to suppress the rights of thousands of people to exercise the most basic part of the Declaration of Independence, which evokes the freedom to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

The only difference is these clowns don't wear grease paint. These clowns... Oh my god. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody shut up. Shut the hell up. These clowns threaten the very fabric on which our nation was supposedly founded upon.

And for some fucking crazy ass reason, they're getting away with it. From keystone cop clowns shooting unarmed citizens to racist clowns burning down Islamic centers or clowns in the NSA spying on us through our cell phones and laptops. America has turned into something far more terrifying than insane clown posses dark carnival. Even a scrub like me who dropped out of school in ninth grade can see what's going on. Today's reality is scarier than anything you'll ever hear on one of our albums. Whoa. Damn.

You had to come in. So that was Violin Jay? That was Violin Jay. Who would have thought he would be so woke? That was incredible. Holy crap. I think some of those things were said in Taxi Driver 2. Sorry not to be woke when you're on this much E.

Speaking of running on E, I think the Mean Boys need to be right back. I am Paddy McPhee, the explanatory leprechaun. Many things on God's green earth require a great deal of explaining, and I'm here to cure you of your sinful ignorance, lest you be tossed into Hades by the hand of leprechaun. Many things on God's green earth require a great deal of explaining, and I'm here to cure you of your sinful ignorance lest you will be tossed into Hades by the hand of a wrathful God. I come out, I explain a thing. You know some things you didn't know before. Today, we're talking about the origin and spread of the great

AIDS pandemic. Though the first patient of the deadly plague can never truly be determined, many now believe the first case occurred in 1978 when a Danish lesbian research scientist traveled to Zaire and contracted the disease from contact with animal blood and died shortly after returning to Europe. How do you like that?

A fanny licker in the first case of AIDS. The luck of it. What's the matter, darling? You wipe your arse with a Blarney stone or something? The disease started to rear its ugly head in America in 1981 when members of San Francisco's gay community started coming down with Carposy Sarcoma, a skin cancer typically seen on elderly Jewish men.

Imagine, a disease that acquires in a disease that adheres like the Lord Almighty was doubling down on his finger wagon at the godless. skin cancer typically seen on elderly Jewish men. Imagine, a disease that acquires in a disease that adheres, like the Lord Almighty was doubling down on his finger wagon at the godless. After discovering these men had fewer T-cells than sober men in County Cork, health officials determined their immune system worked like a drunk spastic playing table shuffleboard. Over the next five years, health authorities struggled to find a virus that caused the deadly disease. Progress was even halted when a real top cunt named Dr. Robert Gallo was accused of stealing research from the Pasteur Institute so he could claim credit for the discovery of the HIV virus.

Yes, Patty, you steal AIDS research while thousands of arse barnets are dropping dead all around you. You're lower than a leprechaun's knobhead. And since the federal government showed a complete indifference to the suffering of thousands, the gay community took it upon itself to manage its own health. This led to the city of San Francisco to consider a ban on gay bathhouses where the disease's spread was most acute. One side argued, You suppose you don't need to be having thousands of one-ton sodomies a night

when there's a deadly bum disease going around, you dumb cunt. The other countered, If I wanted to be told how many sodomies I could and couldn't have, I'd stay in Idaho, you dumb cunt. And like me daddy said, You shove two cunts together, all you got is a hole that's twice as big. And despite massive warnings from the Center of Disease Control and the National Institute of Health,

the presidential administration failed to address the plague by name until 1987. Can you imagine? Didn't say nothing. I bet even the limey cunts of the English parliament found the fucking time to announce the Emerald Isle was short of potato or two. Since the rate of early infections was centralized in the United States, the lion's share to blame for the pandemic lies in President Ronald Reagan, whose period of inactivity makes him the Cromwell of the modern age. Cromwell!

Cromwell, the Puffsters! Cromwell, the noble sodomites of Castro Street! Lo lie the fields of Fagatry! Lo lie the fields of Fagatry! Where once we watched the small free birds fly! I'm Danny McPhee, the explanatory leprechaun. And now you know some things you didn't know before, you dumb cunt. The Mean Boys podcast

is back, everybody. We have a special game to play courtesy of our guest Tom Goss. Tom, explain what we're about to do. All right. Well, it's going to be a kind of reverse lightning round where I am going to give you guys

my version of the word or noun or adjective, I guess. Those are all covered under the umbrella of word. I didn't need clarification for what a word is. We're already struggling. I suppose it could be some adverbs. No spoilers.

You could have a fish or a sturgeon or a trout. Right, so I'm going to do my version, and they have to guess what it is. I just wanted to get an aneurysm wins, I believe. And it is in the form of Tom Jeopardy. Usually Tom Jeopardy involves a lot of Advil and an ambulance, but I'm very glad that we're doing this version. That was so good. I wasn't paying attention.

You missed out on a great one. That's probably good. Oh, God, he made a dope one. Okay, for the listening audience, Tom Hicks. The subjects are food, sex and anatomy, make-believe, and the working class. I like that one of those is clearly not what you wrote. Food. The working class.

Tom, by the way, instead of make-believe, you wrote fantasy. You really are a dullard of the people. Again, for the audience, Tom has drawn a four-year-old's version of how they would draw a Jeopardy board in a notebook and is holding it open. It's just sex. Make believe. You may have spelled your name wrong. Very clearly, no, he wrote Jeopardy, then crossed

out J-E-O, wrote Tom over them. He also wrote Tom before the word Jeopardy. So it's Tom Tomperty. Welcome to Tom Tomperty. Wasn't Tom Tomperty the guy the Hobbits ran into on their way out of the sky? There's also five exclamation points. I got cut out of a movie. They're about an inch apart.

We're going to need to take a picture of that for the Twitter feed. This Mexican joke house bombadil will tell you that much. I'll tell you. All right. What are the categories again? Tom, there's a microphone. Talk into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we got food, sex and anatomy, fantasy and the microphone. Talk into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we got food, sex, and anatomy, fantasy, and the working class. All right, I'll take us away. I'll take food for 100, Tom. Food for 100. Spice party. Chili? No, you got to return. Keith.

What is salsa? Points. Fuck! I am amazed. I got it in spirit. I'm pretty mad that that is. I will take Fantasy for 100. Okay, Fantasy for 100.

World's most popular pedophile. Joe. Oh, fuck. Jerry Sandusky. Who is Jerry Sandusky? No. That's too pedestrian for you. Who is Michael Jackson?

No. Really? Who is Santa Claus? Santa Claus. Yeah! You bitch. This is my favorite Santa Claus? Santa Claus. Yeah! You bitch. This is my favorite thing we've ever done. This is the best game we've ever played by far.

Now is it my turn or does Connor have control? I control the board, so I will, you know what, I'm feeling I'll take Fantasy for 200. Fantasy for 200. Wolf Scissors. What are pinking shears? No. Damn it. Wolf Scissors. Wolf Scissors. Oh, fuck. What are pinking shears? No. Damn it. Wolf scissors.

Wolf scissors. Oh, fuck. What are fangs? Nope. What are swords? No, the answer is what is Wolverine? Okay. Well, all right.

This is going to get worse. All right, well, I believe I have the board again. Fuck fantasy. Let's take food for 200. At least I know that there's a limited amount of food. Oh, yeah. No, that was a character from a dream I had. How did you not get it?

All right. Food hibernators. What is a refrigerator? What is a freezer? Damn it. What is a freezer? Yes. Yeah. Those are food nappers. Refrigerators. What is a freezer? Damn it What is a freezer? Yes Yeah

Those are food nappers Refrigerators Alright so it's Tough talk from a guy With no money on the board Working class for 100 Working class for 100 Big tooth wrench

What is an Allen wrench? No What is a monkey wrench? Nope Oh you can't go twice I have no idea Allen wrench. No. What is a monkey wrench? Nope. Oh, you can't go twice. I have no idea. Okay, the answer was table saw. That doesn't make any sense.

Tom. Tom. Tom. It's a lightning round. Okay, all right. You can't just have nonsense and call it a lightning round. He's doing his best. A lot more of this has been coherent than I expected it to be.

I'll take the working class for 200. Okay, working class for 200. Strong man birds. Fuck. Strong man birds. This is... Yes. What are parrots?

No. Remember the... I like how disgusted you are at everything. I thought this would be a little easier. Strong man birds. What are cranes? Points. Fuck.

Connor, you're keeping track, correct? Yes, I am, unfortunately. Let's jump the board a little. Let's go to Sex and Anatomy for 100. Sex and Anatomy for 100. Sound nose. No, I had that. No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did. What are ears? Correct. Oh, you motherfucker. Fuck with me, son. Sex and the Manatee, too. Dick pillows. What are balls?

Testicles, good enough. Yeah. Judges. Three. Let's close it let's okay uh sex slurpee uh he

con what is cum no duh uh what is lube no duh what is period blood

no what is a blowjob oh oh oh well Tom you see when a man and a woman love each other very much... Sex and anatomy, 400.

Boob chokers. What is a bra? Nope. Fuck! Shit, I don't... Oh! What is a corset? Correct!

Yes! One more! All right. What the fuck? How do you know what a corset is, Tom? My ex wore one on Halloween. I didn't know they made corsets for dogs. Let's go with the working class for $300.

You piece of shit, Connor. Working class for $300. Man Tupperware. What is a lunch pail? Nope. What is aluminum foil? Nope. What is... Oh, I know a lunch pail? Nope. What is aluminum foil? Nope. What is...

Oh, I know what it is. A paper bag. No, the answer was... It doesn't count. Was it a coffin? No, what is bucket? Oh. I thought it was like man Tupperware because a man went in it.

Let's go with Fantasy for 300. You're not so excited about that one. Fantasy for 300. The Dangerous Hike. Oh, Lord of the Rings. Damn it. What? How did you know that so confidently?

Just because I talk to him every day. All right. I will take talk to him every day. All right. I will take fantasy for 400. Okay. Ugly stepchild orphan. Who is Cinderella? No. Who is Annie?

Correct. Fuck! Also, in no way fantasy. It's a movie. Movies are fantasy. I'll take food for 300. We already did food for two, right? Yeah. It's a movie. Movies are fantasy. I'll take food for $300. We already did food for two, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Damn, Keith is destroying food for $300. Food for $300. Meat fashion show. Oh, I think Connor got you. What is a deli? No. Oh, shit.

Damn. What is a butcher shop? No. What is a buffet? No, it was what is a barbecue But all of those actually made more sense Points! God damn it Can we dock Tom points?

Is that possible? Yeah, Tom has negative 300 points Let me see I can't put Tom on the board still Let's do food for 400 Food for 400 Bipolar tuna Yo

I didn't actually know what I was going to say Let's do Food for 400. Food for 400. Bipolar tuna. Yo. I didn't actually know what I was going to say. Fish sticks. No. What are salmon? No. Damn. They go up the river, though.

That's what I thought it was going to be. What is fucking sushi? No. It was what is sharks? Tom, what? That is only very technically food. Boys, please, we get the world. Sharks are delicious.

Working class for 400. Okay, that is double Tomperdy. I actually don't know how this works. I just knew there had to be double something. Okay, so. Keith can double down. I'm just going to take it. You know what? Fuck it. I'll risk it. I'll double down. But that means only I can answer this one. Okay, so

that is working less for four. Actually, technically 800, right? Yeah, but if you lose, you lose 400, I think. I think 800. It was all 800? I think so. I mean, I think. I think 800. They lose all 800? I think so. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, I'm smoking this. Okay. All right. Pumping dumpers. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad I talked you into losing 800 points. Pumping dumpers. Because we're about to enter the final round.

What is a fire hydrant? That is incorrect. Now, no one else can guess? round. What is a fire hydrant? That is incorrect. Now, no one else can guess? Yeah. Oh, if we want to risk it. No, it's a double jeopardy. All right. It was oil rig workers.

Okay. Oh, shit. All right. So mine is 800. Mine is most of it. Oh, well. All right. Well, that brings...

Okay, so we're all tied with 400 points right now. Oh, boy. Are we? Yeah, because you've got... Okay, so you points right now. Oh, boy. Are we? Yeah, because you've got... 800, 1,000. You've got 1,200. So, yeah, you're at 400. We've all got 400 points. Moving into Final Jeopardy.

Now we have, as Tom called it, the final solution. Yes, that was what Tom called it. I was trying to explain Jeopardy to Tom. I was like, what's the last one called? The final solution? You guys are supposed to write this down somewhere. So we have to give us the category, and then we write our wagers. We write our wagers and our answers. Oh, wait.

I had to write down a category? Yeah. Give us the category. He gives us the category, then we write our wagers, then he gives us the thing. Yep. You have to wager before you get it. That's how it makes it. But it can be a different category.

Why do they spin the wheel? Yeah. Just say whatever the category is for this one thing. Say what the fucking category for your final solution is and don't have it be Jews. Gypsies, no. Hang on, I'm trying to think. What would this be?

Son of a fucking shit. I guess this would be under the category of white guilt. All right. Oh, Jesus Christ. I wager all my points. So do I. Yeah, I mean, we all are wagering. I don't think that's the correct category, but...

Oh, my God, Dom. Just say the thing. All right. We blame the slaves. It's we blame the slaves? Yes. Oh, my God. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm so mad.

Fuck. Fuck, I gotta think of something. We blame the slaves. Actually, to make it fair, this is a better category for what the answer is. Okay. Conspiracy theories. Okay. Shit.

Oh, God. That evens the playing field. That's a more fair category. What the fuck? God damn it. I get the feeling that's also not an accurate category. Conspiracy theories. This is like the regular Jeopardy of Trebek just drank a whole bottle of NyQuil before.

I don't really know Jeopardy, so. The category is colors I ate. All right. Yeah. You ready? I guess. Yeah, all right. I'm ready.

All right. Connor? I lost,. I'm ready. All right. Connor? I lost, but let's go. All right. The category was conspiracy theories. Now we each say what our pick was. And yeah, for... Don't tell us what the answer is.

No, we blame the slaves. Okay. Joe? I said cotton farmers. Okay. I said the Underground Railroad. Okay. I said Trump voters. Okay. No, the Underground Railroad. Okay. I said Trump voters.

Okay. No, the answer was Jews control the weather. That's tough. Tough. Why is it really bad? Everything about what you just said was wrong. What the... Do you want me to break down what...

I'm going to take you to school right now. Not in a trillion years. First of all, wrong slaves. You can't call the Jews the slaves if it's not explicitly pyramid related. Yeah, black people get the capital slaves. Are you saying that the Jews that control the weather blame the slaves for making them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, talk in your Michael.

I said that as a ridiculous excuse. Jews control the weather isn't even a real thing. That's an Opie punchline. Should we cut out the final Jeopardy? I thought that was. Oh, no, absolutely not. We are leaving in your public shaming. Evan told me that people actually believe that.

Yeah, Opie. No, he said other people did. Tom. Oh, I meant the media, opium. No, he said other people did. Tom! Oh, I meant the media, but still. You said weather instead of media? I meant media. Yeah, you know, you get

those mixed up. Tom! You didn't even say Jews control the media. You meant the media, and you said Jews control the weather. You know how they put the Al Roker on there, and the Jews have them by their strings You know how they put the Al Roker on there and the Jews have them by their strings? You know that fat Jew Al Roker?

My buddy mixes up the Jews and the media and the weather. And drinks them all up. That mixed me up. Alright, alright. Now you need to stop making sound. Tom, we will be right back.

You're fired. You're fired. Gwong. Hey, it's Tom Goss. You might know me as the guy from The Thing, or from getting banned from that Albertsons for having a verbal disagreement with the syrup bottle lady, Mrs. Buttersworth. Doesn't know shit about my life,

and she needs to stop acting like she does. I don't care that she's black. It's not racist if she's a snack. Anyway, I'm still here at Area 51 while they check my blood for something called the Omega Genome. I think it's a particle that proves I'm actually God, or maybe it just means I'm super good at having blood.

I don't know. I wasn't really listening. Anyway, I'm making more YouTube since I can't leave. Last time I cooked food for you fucking morons, but they won't let me have fire anymore because I use it on too many cats So now I'm gonna do a meditation tape because people love relaxing Welcome to Omgoss with your host me Yogi Tom. That's right I'm a yogi now like an Indian guard that bear that killed my family and shared a sandwich with me nice guy

Only wore a tie and a hat didn't understand pants, I have the same problem. Anyway, Omgoss is all about clearing your mind and the world around you and opening your third eye. I know that sounds like your butthole, but it's not. Although if you wanna open your butthole while you watch this, go nuts. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. What am I? The Butthole Police? No, it's 2016, get loose! After you shove this video into your brain, you'll be able to achieve enlightenment and talk to squirrels and

shit. You wanna meditate somewhere quiet. Meditation really hates noise. I rec- I- I recommend I recommend the park. Your bedroom or an abandoned amusement park. You gotta sit with your legs crisscrossed like a fucking people

pretzel. If you're a fat fuck and your legs don't go bend that way, do your best. Now close your eyes. If you have a hard time keeping them closed, take them out with a spoon. It's important to make your eyes stay closed because Enlightened Fairy is coming.

And if you look at her, she kills you, your family, and turns your dick into a grenade. Ouchie-wawa. Breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. Or the other way, if you think you're fancy. I don't want to hamper your creative spirit. Quick note, if you breathe out your butt, that's just a dude queef.

Quick note, if you breathe out your butt, that's just a dude queef. Now, relax. It's the most important part. Fucking relax right now, you piece of shit. If you don't relax, I'm gonna come to where you sleep, and I'm bringing my sledgehammer. You better be so fucking calm you can't even deal with it. Otherwise, I'm gonna make a necklace out of your fucking teeth! Now that you're mellow, pick a mantra. A mantra is just some nonsense goo goo talk you repeat over and over to keep your brain clear. It should be something calm and soothing, or if that doesn't work for you, just scream a bunch. It'll do the trick, and people will think your house is haunted, and want to pay to take tours of it and shit. Anyway, do that shit for like 20 minutes or 7 hours

and then you win at Buddhism, I think. Alright, I gotta go. They're putting me on one of those plastic prison cells like Magneto. Not sure why, but it's okay. I like plastic most of the time. Enjoy your journey to inner tranquility, you dumb cunts. Namaste, bitches. All right, everybody.

Welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. It is time to close the show, as we always do, with another fan-submitted round of our favorite game. Gentlemen, let's play Witch of the Following. Witch of the Following. Okay. This one comes to us from one of our favorite listeners, Kelly Velasquez, who sends, which of the following is not a real Sesame Street video game?

Oh, boy. The answer should be none. Yeah. Oh, there's at least 20 of them out here. There's like a Ratatouille game. Why can't there be Sesame Street? Good point, Tom. The games probably aren't good, but they should exist.

What exactly is your problem with the Ratatouille video game? I'm just, no, I'm using it to defend Sesame Street. Okay. Tom likes a lot of things. I have to defend Sesame Street's honor. You're white knighting Sesame Street. That's why the prostitute had to go. Yeah, so far tonight, Tom has defended Travis Bickle's murder spree and cheap children's entertainment video game tie-ins.

Frankly, after that lightning round, I think you could benefit from Sesame Street video games. Who's your favorite Sesame Street character? Ah, jeez. As a kid, I loved Elmo. But not as an adult. More of a Big Bird guy now. Yeah, you look like a Big Bird.

But honestly, favorite is probably Oscar. The way that you describe that like... I like them all. They're all... I grew up listening to a lot of alt-rock,

but now I'm more into indie. Oscar's lifestyle would be an upgrade from yours. Yeah, he has his own can. You know, relatability goes a long way on one day. Entertainment. Yeah, me and my grandpa. I like Delmo because I was a tiny, colorful monster. Say what you're about to say.

Me and my grandpa always argue over who's a cookie monster. Oh, you told me about this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dead. But he's a great guy. That line. The cookie monster is dead. He's telling them to eat vegetables now.

Oh, yeah, that's fucking fraud. I fucking. Okay, double down, Sesame Street. If you're going to poison children, you stick with it. Have a happy, safe Halloween, everybody. Don't come trick-or-treating in Echo Park. You know what would have been more helpful? If a cookie monster got diabetes

instead of just turning all about veggies, all right? Okay, no explanation why he's gone. He just converted some green fucking gook. Not gook. No, no, no, no. That's not how I meant it. He's not Asian. That's not how I meant it. Okay. not Asian. That's not how I meant it.

Okay. He's not green either. Yeah, he is. He's green now. I like that you were like, no, I didn't mean to imply he was Asian and not, oh, I said gook. Yeah. Well, no.

People have called me gook. No, they haven't, Tom. Yeah, they have. But they mean it like in a racial slur. That literally. No, they were referring to the materials that were staining your shirt. Am I thinking of a different word? You're thinking thinking of kook that is what i'm thinking of okay this show is paints me more racist than anything i've ever done i don't know how

uh you guys just bring this out of me do the asians control the cookies guys did could Could some of my Non-white friends please tweet out That I am not this way all the time Imaginary or otherwise Talking to you is like reading Dune Like I need a translator but it's all in English I don't know what that is

It's a science fiction novel Okay well now I know what it is Tell us about your grandpa On the Cookie Monster game No it wasn't a game we just eat a bunch of cookies And then argue and then he'd tell me I eat too many Okay, so tell us about your grandpa and the Cookie Monster game quickly. No, it wasn't a game. We just eat a bunch of cookies and then argue. And then he'd tell me I'd eaten too many.

And then we'd change the subject and talk about something else. I'm a little kid. And he's dead now. He's dead. Who was the last one to call the other the Cookie Monster? Because I think that makes it official. No, no. We called ourselves the Cookie Monster.

And it would be me because he's dead. You're the Cookie Monster. No. No. my infernal curse. He was a great guy. Tom explained this to me in the same afternoon where he said, Yeah, I remember when I became too old to be an alligator. Watch what you do when you play out of tune. Sesame Street video games.

I used to play this alligator game with his younger relatives, and then one day he was just like, you know, it's just, I'm 13. I'm getting boners. I can't be a crocodile. No, it had nothing to do with boners, but, you know, it was just like, you know, it's a long story. It's not that long, but it's long for all the already flim flam I've thrown onto this podcast.

You know, basically, you know, my friend had cancer and so you know, serious things happen. I forgot the story began like this. When I realized I didn't have the jaws to chew the tumor out, I realized

I couldn't be an alligator no more. We usually have to go in one of those boats with a big fan on the back of it. Tried to be an alligator, taking the hippopotamus off and chewed a cancer out of his shell. Yeah, I thought I was an alligator. Turns out I like girls.

Turns out I just needed lotion. We were taking care of his sister and we'd play this game where we'd listen to music and then I'd basically just like crawl around and like take, you know, like knock them over and shit and then they'd try to dance away from me. It was to music.

And I just remember... Like dancing? What? Like dancing? Yeah, to music. This sounds like an interview with a serial killer in prison. Yeah. The calm way you're describing things that sound vaguely unsettling. The circulation of this podcast is going to increase

when the members of the jury have to review it. I do not like a lot of things I've said on here, but the alligator game has nothing, there's nothing wrong with that for little kids to just tackle each other and while dancing. I just realized when I was in a certain age, I was too old for it.

I'm glad we got that straightened out. Which of the following is not a real Sesame Street video game? I just realized when I was at a certain age, I was too old for it. And I was like, well, you know. I'm glad we got that straightened out. Which of the following is not a real Sesame Street video game? A, oh, say can you see the shapes? B, measure that foot. C, ABC hungry. Or D, 3, 2, 1, rocket launch. I believe ABC hungry is real.

I remember that in the original NES. You would just kind of run around as Grover and give oranges to people in the Sesame Street universe. Just do Grover shit? Yeah, just doing Grover, yo. Grover shit, man. Grover shit. I'm going to say measure that foot

just because I can't imagine how many different levels there could be to that game. Well, Big Bird, I mean, I imagine is the final boss. Oh, that's a good point. It's just a 12-inch ruler on the screen, and it's the worst game ever. I'm gonna say 3-to-1 Rocket Launch. I'm gonna say Measure That Foot as well. Tom?

Oh, yeah. The fake one is 3-to-1 Rocket Launch. Harry's on the board. That was my second, but yeah. Number two, Witch of the Flog is not a real Sesame Street video game. A, Oscar's Trash Race. Believe that Alaska Thunderfuck... Oscars Trash Race. I believe that Alaska Thunderfuck. Oscars Trash Race.

Grover Thunderfuck. B. Oscars... Grover Thunderfuck. I only vaguely know things about your... Good enough. Little hobby. I don't know what we're talking about. B. Oscars Junk My Jacket.

Okay. C. Osc's Can Wash. Or D, Oscar's Rotten Ride. These all sound pornographic. These are all Oscar racing themed. B was Oscar's Junk My Jacket. That's for sure not real. Yeah, I gotta say that as well.

And what was D? D was Oscar's Rotten Ride. I'm gonna go D. The fake one is C, Oscar's Can Wash, gentlemen. That's the most innocent sounding. What is Junk My Jacket? Oscar does it. Well, it's on SesameStreet.org.

He's giving the country of origin the fucking thing, where they come from. Some of these Which of the Following spreadsheets you guys send me are uncomfortably detailed. It's a cool thing where you're supposed me are uncomfortably detailed. It's a school thing where you're supposed to cite your resources or whatever. I failed. Cite your national resources. If I'm citing your resources, it would just be

the taco truck leftovers and cigarette butts. Look, I don't understand how it works. I dropped out of high school. I'm just saying that that was a thing they told me to do that I definitely did not. Round three. Which is a real Sesame Street video to do that I definitely did not. Round three. Which is a real Sesame Street video game. A. Bert's Pigeon Path. Wait.

Bath or path? Path. I believe Tom just took a walk there this morning. B. Elmo's Jazz Band. C. Big Bird's Egg Catch. Or D. Ernie's Dinosaur Daycare. What was A again? A was Bert's Pigeon Path. Ernie again? A was Bert's Pigeon Path. Ernie's a dinosaur?

Bert's Pigeon Path. No, but I mean, you could have a daycare for dinosaurs. I'm going to say A. I'm going to say B. I think the Elmo one is kind of racist because he's like the only one with a black puppeteer. Well, not anymore. No, that's right. He fucked a kid or two.

Indeed. Oh, wait. Elmo fucked two brothers? No. Oh, yeah. The guy who played Elmo. Yeah. Fucked hella kids. Bro. Indeed. Oh, wait. Elmo fucked kids? Oh, you didn't know about this? No. Oh, yeah, the guy who played Elmo, yeah, fucked hella kids. Bro. Yeah.

Not a fan of Elmo anymore. I'm gonna... I can't... I don't even want to feel it. There's this really creepy video online of the dude... Yeah, your childhood's the one that's gonna get ruined.

There's this really creepy video online of the dude having the actual Elmo at a live event and he's having Elmo grope a pregnant woman's tummy and she's like oh my god it's so wonderful and like it's literally the pedophile going i can't wait for you to come out oh i know yeah so everything is terrible and there are monsters behind all your dreams

just looking at a pregnant woman the way a fat guy looks through the crispy cream you're about to get glazed. It's going to be so fresh. Even for us, this episode has gotten pretty awful. Elmo loves him right out of the oven. You come out, I come in. This is like when I found out that

the old Speaker of the House was a pedophile and I'm like, third in line to be the President was fucking kids. If you had to choose a President who was fucking kids to make an estimated guess, who would you say? Probably James Buchanan, because he was a homosexual, and those behaviors are connected. If you come from a time when there's no age limit, I mean, you know. Oh, well, Thomas Jefferson for sure fucked underage slaves. LBJ tagged a 16-year-old for sure.

Yeah. Like in his 30s. Wait, you thought LBJ was Long Beach Jordan? I'm just trying to fill in the blanks. Wouldn't it be Johnson? Oh, yeah, that one. Like, I'd fuck a 17-year-old twink if we were in Idaho or wherever. I mean, come on.

It's. Yeah. You're going to look to Keith For support on that one Yeah Look to your right Now you're left on this one No those are some fresh potatoes Do you guys guess?

Yeah B I said B I'm gonna say B Oh the fake one is B Elmo's Jazz Band Yay He liked jazz though He liked a lot of stuff

Yeah I remember him. Hey, guys, are you going to sing or some shit? You want to learn about the pentatonic scale in my bedroom? Number four, which of the following is in a real Sesame Street video game? A, Fuzzy Feet Match. B, Furchester Puzzles. C, Guac Pop.

Or D, Twiddleburg Toss. Guac Pop sounds like one of those tumblers that fucking Joe knows about. Oh, yeah. That's one of the Mexicans' felch. Guac pop. Does guac stand for something? Are they talking about guacamole? What the fuck are they talking about?

I think so. It sounds like just innocent Los Feliz recipes. What does guac stand for? Well, no. Is there like some... Guacamole under a cat. What doesac stand for? Well, no, is there like some... Guacamole under a cat. What does it stand for? Equal pay?

Immigration reform? What was the second one again? Oh, the second one was Furchester Puzzles. Okay, that's the one that sounded really disturbing. Egg? Yeah. What's a... What's a?

Fuzzy feet match. I'll say that one. I'm going to say fuzzy feet match, too. Tommy? I'm going to say the... Oh, Jesus. Guac Pop. The fake one is A, Fuzzy Feet Match.

Guac Pop is real. You can go pop some guac. What the fuck does that mean? How's that a game? It's a dance move. You pop and guac. I asked if they were referring to guacamole. Tom, yeah, they were.

It's your fault for not knowing that guac is a popular cultural fucking abbreviation for guacamole that is used ubiquitously. How is there a game involving popping guacamole? I don't know, Tom. Maybe Big Bird wants to throw a party, make some appetizers. He's got to break the avocados. It teaches you about cooking and colors or some shit. Go on SesameStreet.org for more info. I'm not supporting this anymore.

Yo, that's where you draw the line. The whole fucking institution is going to crumble. We were talking about fucking a kid earlier. Tom, they just moved to fucking HBO. They don't give a shit of a dullard in a fucking basement supports them or not. Hey, we're in the kitchen. Tom, you grumpy little fuck. I just don't understand. It's like you don't need to.

Now you know who we are, Tom. Here's the thing. There's things you think you understand that you so don't, and then there's things like this that you don't understand. They're so simple. How is that? Can we please move on? Round five.

All real or all fake. Sesame Street fucking video games. A, Lord of the Crumbs. B. The Three Grouchketeers. C. Cookies of the Caribbean. D. Sesame Street Once Upon a Monster. I have never seen somebody more angry than I am. Are any of those beyond the realm of imagination?

I think they're all imagined. You only have two grouchkateers. They're all fake. I'm going to say all fake, too. I'm going to say all real. Oh, wow. They're all real. Suck a dick in hell while the three grouchkateers watch.

You will kneel before the Lord of the Crumbs. There will be no cookies in your Caribbean. Once Upon a Monster is your fucking autobiography, you goddamn concussion mongoloid guacamole man. Seriously? Yeah, they're all real. SesameStreet.org 1998 CD-ROM game.

SesameStreet.org again. And the 2011 Xbox Connect release. Read it and weep, you imbecile nincompoop fuck. Wow. Potter, get more control of your life. Why are you doing this? Oh my god.

Can the fucking There Will Be Blood music just play at the end of this? I don't know that movie. I'm finished. I'll pop your guac. Jesus Christ. Pop a guac. God damn it. Pop.

The tension in this room is unbearable. Oh, I'm not mad. I was just doing it. I know, but I think Joe is furious. Who are you mad at? Him or me? I'm fine, dear. This is like second to Orlando and Joe fucking grief.

Yeah, it really is. I don't understand. All right. Well. I have a Sesame Street note. Did you guys ever see that video online where Bill Clinton was talking to the public with HIV? They have a public with HIV, you know. Whoa.

What? And her name is like Kiri or something vaguely ethnic, which I find a little, you know, on the margins if you ask me. A little on the margins. Oh, that's so funny. Damn, all right. Well, that'll be a Hell's Box seat someday. Yeah. Okay, let's open the newest mailbag.

Everybody's favorite listener, Ryan Colby at Ryan Colby1984 writes, What does Tom Goss think of people who say ass burgers instead of ass pergers? I think that's like the most autistic question you could ask me. Boom. Suck a dick, Ryan Colby. I don't, yeah, I don't care. I mean, no one speaks more poorly than me, you know?

Say it how you want, you know? It's all about the heart. It's like that book, Frindle. You guys read that book? Say what you will, it's all about the heart. Yeah, it's not what you say. It's all about the heart. It's not what you say. It's intention. Tom, sometimes you just talk sewer slang, and sometimes there's country songs falling out of your head.

I would just like to say, Ryan Colby, by the way, I just recorded with our good friends over the This Is Rad podcast, and they basically censored a bunch of our questions that we got because they were just people from Mean Boys being shitty to me. Ryan Colby tweeted a half cock fat joke. Hey, Ryan Colby, suck a dick in hell. There you go. All right, then. We don't like you. Ryan Colby asked. In his heart, that was malicious.

All right. Fanny Chapkraner writes, did you fight the raccoons one at a time or as a group? There's been this giant rumor I'm always fighting raccoons. That is inaccurate. I've been chased by minis as ducks. I need to address the people of America and of raccoon land. It's not raccoons. I keep getting chased.

People have got to know. Does Tom Cox fight raccoons? The insane clown posse is not the most insane thing to have a press conference. Raccoon land is where they blame the slaves. It's not raccoons. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus. That was a little on the margins No it's skunks that keep chasing me

And there was There's been two or three of them this year Where I go out of my way to get out of their way And then they start sprinting after me I don't know if it has something to do with their mating season or something And I got a runaway It happened in Illinois It happened in LA

Follow up question Are you thinking of a Pepe Le Pew cartoon? No, this happened. But look at his hair. He looks like a fucking suicide girl Pepe Le Pew girlfriend. Oh, my God. Well, none of them are girlfriends consensually. That's true.

Yeah, I don't know Pepe Le Pew, but these skunks were following me. So, yeah, no raccoon fights. Me and raccoons have been peaceful. Same thing with possums. Skunks are fucking pissed. We have a non-aggression pact with the badger community. I cannot stress enough, this part is not scripted.

No, I've had skunks chase me. This is a real thing. I don't know why. If you've seen your head, they're trying to fuck you, all right? You look like a gay skunk, my friend. Okay, that is incredibly head, they're trying to fuck you, alright? You look like a gay skunk, my friend. Okay, that is incredibly aggressive if they're trying to fuck, because it seemed like they wanted to fight.

I'm sorry, do you not know how skunk lovemaking goes down? I don't. I'm not a skunk. I've heard they have a barbed penis. Or they might be porcupines. At least it's not a rhubarbed penis. Am I right, King? Can you imagine? No. I'd be's not a rhubarbed penis. Am I right, gang? Can you imagine? No. I'd be gay in a second.

I assumed you already were. Hard to believe rhubarb Rudy loves pussy. I haven't decided if rhubarb Rudy has genitals. I never imagined them with him. I think about them a lot. Alright, Taylor Istigner writes, blood or cum?

I'm going to say cum. It depends where it's going and where it came from. In a recipe or to just find. Here's the order, okay? My cum is number one. My blood is second. Other people's blood is third. And other people's cum is fourth.

Tom, that's alchemy. I'm going to tweak this thing just because I want to see what Tom's response is. You have to drink a shot glass of one and it came out of someone else. Come or blood. And you don't know if they're sick. Well, either way, it'll get me sick, so I'm going to go with blood. Oh, no. I'm thinking

cum gives you less disease than blood. You don't want to be diseased and a homo. But it's blood. Yeah, AIDS is in play either way. Yeah, thank you, Joe. Here's the thing. The cum's going to coat my throat on the way down like a bad yogurt. It's going to swallow harder.

Pepto-Gismol. Swallow harder. I thought you were off poppers, Joe. I can open my throat. I won't even taste the blood. Cum is going to fucking drool down. I do want to see your bearded dragon throat opening that you've done. How do you get that good

at opening your throat if you've never swallowed cum? I chugged a lot of beer. And water. And cum. Not cum. Don't drink cum. Tom did try to cum on a girl's face and then came on his own face. Yeah, didn't drink it though.

Smelt it for a couple days. That was due to bad aim. He got jets. Yeah, Tom described this debacle to me and I was like, well, how hard do you come? How far do you come? And he said, I got jets. So please tweet. He's in my phone as Tom Goss with an airplane jet

emoji. So please tweet Tom Jumbo Jets. From this wall, I could hit that wall. Nope. Good use of space for an audio podcast. I'm talking to you guys. Saying I got Jets for coming is going to be like the one thing of white slang that black

people take. I hope so. Tom, when are you going to be on This Is Rad podcast to talk about hockey? I haven't been invited. All right. Ball's in your court, Carl Clark. Make it happen, Clark. When is Tom going to start his own parking lot fashion line?

I didn't think of that. I don't know. Go fund me and I'll do it. I'm going to go ahead and say no. Just give me money regardless Okay Tom what's your favorite condiment to use in a sex act I've never used food for sex But

I ate a cake off a girl's butt once Just I'm sorry wasn't that a family guy sketch It was my birthday I don't want to hear about the candle Family Guy sketch? It was my birthday. I don't want to hear about the candle. You read Haunted. You know what happened to the candle.

You caricature of yourself. I know. Me and my girlfriend are fans of Tapatio. Oh, no. Well, that's like Joe reading and the band played on while eating pie alone. That's the most you thing you could do. Yeah, we all have our wheelhouse. I have so much leftover Coogan,

you're not far off. Oh, I'll eat some. And this is a man who just listened to The God Delusion on the roof at the night. Yeah, well, if you're going to fuck a girl with a condiment, which one would you choose? Well, cake's not a condiment. Well, there's frosting on it.

Okay, frosting. Why are you, like, taking my lead on this? I've never thought about food fucking. Can you elaborate on the cake butt for me just slightly? Maybe like a carrot just because it's healthy? I don't know. We had a cake, and then I put the cake on her, and I licked the cake off her. Do you really want me to get into details on this?

Did she get crumbs in her pussy? I mean, probably, yeah. It was everywhere. A whole cake? Now, that's two ways mice are going to be attracted. It was a whole cake. Did you, like, nibble on it, or did you do, like, the birthday face plant into the cake thing? The second one.

Keats, you fucking Long Beach coagula. Coagula? What plant is that? What? What's a coagula? Not the what's a coagula. Coagula was an emperor of Rome

notable for his hedonism. Moving on, Tom. You're going to have to explain so many of those words to Tom. Hedonism is... No, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Just move on. Hedonism, you said. I know what that word you didn't say is. Tom, what is your best advice for seducing a woman,

Fanny Chapcrowner asks. You let them seduce you. Much easier. That's actually a really good answer. Hey, let them make the move. If they like you, they will. Then you just kind of move it from there. Wow, Tom Goss. No on actually a really good answer. Hey, let them make the move. If they like you, they will. Then you just kind of move it from there.

Tom Goss, no on Asians. Yes, I'm consent. No, I like Asia. I thought I was Asian until I was like nine. All right? I have no problem with Asians. Is this true? Do you mean Tom Bonaventure?

I thought I was Mexican because my father is extraordinarily dark. My family's Buddhist, and we were always around Asians, and it was just Asians or black people, and I thought I was Asian because I didn't look black. Yeah. Any other Twitter questions? All right. Tom, how many of the Mean Boys

could you defeat in battle? Ah, that's an insulting question. I could defeat all of them in battle. Are we talking about physical or roast battle? Let's go both. Oh, I thought we were talking about physical battle. Could you take us on three-on-one? I don't know if I could beat you guys

three on one. I think the three of us could take it. I don't know, man. I wouldn't lay up that on us. You'd bail pretty quickly. I know I've been in more fights than the three of you combined. That's true. Yeah, definitely. I'd let fucking Tom wear himself out on you two. I've been in a bunch of fights, yeah. I've been punched in the face, but

I haven't really fought back. Yeah, yeah. That sounds right., jeez, Tom No, that's a good thing, you're a pacifist The word is cunt, dear Tom the other day described me as straight-ish That was nice of you Well, that's perfect I was like, no, Tom, I like girls

And he was like, ah, do you though? This fall on ABC I'm giving you a solid For the producers of Black-ish, come straight in I'm giving you a solid 75% hetero, Connor. Yeah. Oh, jeez. I gave him, like, an 85 to 95. Okay.

Wouldn't you be generous? Yeah. Well, he's my friend. I don't want him to be angry. You know when you go to a restaurant and it's got the B from the health department? You're like, eh, but yeah. Like that, but for pussy. All right.

Josh Workthought writes, just like what happened to him? Which time? There's your answer. Best answer you're going to get. Polkadaf writes, who are you? Sign yourself up for the listeners. I do stand-up comedy. I live in a basement.

I have a broadsword that was given to me by a comedy booker who liked my set. Thank you, Michael. I witnessed him getting the broadsword, and it was the way he became an actual knight. Like, you were glowing like a pregnant woman as you carried that in the trunk of Nick Petrillo's car. Yeah, I'm friends with Nick Petrillo. That says it all, doesn't it? Yeah, my family's Buddhist. Like, hippie kind of Buddhist.

As opposed to those real violent Buddhists. They'd be a conger, by the way. Buddhist for Trump. I'm allergic to soy. You're not, you just, soy makes you psychotic. It's a cerebral allergy. So yeah, no,

I eat too much soy and I like think I'm the Zodiac Killer sometimes, which is not a good thing to say after all the other things I've said on this podcast.

But yeah. I think you nailed it. Didn't go to, didn't finish high school. Or that cake that I left in that girl's butt. That was a mistake.

No, that was Keith mistake no that was Kate failed to learn to juggle what am I holy fucking shit I got through five rounds of the Anaheim Grand Prix for Magic the Gathering you fell asleep at that convention center right I did

I was eliminated and then I fell asleep on the floor what you said was some i got some of the best sleep of my life on the floor of the anaheim convention well yeah because i i'm allergic to cats in the night before i stayed at this man who hated me his house because he was friends with my other friend and uh they i was allergic to cats and then the man started screaming at me because he didn't want me to poop in his bathroom i guess so then i i slept in the car and I didn't sleep. And then I was also on a lot of antipsychotics.

So after I got eliminated from the tournament, which I was kicked out of because they thought I was cheating, which I wasn't, I fell asleep on the floor for several hours and woke up. The tournament was over for the day. I've never heard a longer sentence. Yeah. That was interminable. Tom, at Slow Boat Air Day, one of our most loyal Twitter twerps, writes, Tom, what is something you have a soft spot for in your heart? Figuratively, I mean, I know your actual heart health.

Wait, wait. Heart health? Wait. What's something you have a soft spot for? Yeah, he's saying that you have your... Skunks. Soft spot or something I love? Soft spot. Like, what do you have a soft spot for?

What makes you tender, Tom? Homeless people. Yeah. Treatment of homeless people genuinely upsets me. Alright, well, now that was funny. Yeah, mean. Alright, and finally...

Tragic shit! Tragic shit. Tragic shit. Crazy vets. Great crazy vets. I blame Reagan. I blame Reagan. I do. I fucking hate Reagan.

Yeah. Yeah. How many... Okay, finally. At funtick8 with a P-H, fucking Y, writes, how many times have you almost died and which was the most impressive to have survived? Oh, shit. No.

This is going to be a much darker answer than you anticipated. I don't know how many times I've almost died. I know the most amazing that surviving was... The most amazing that surviving. There's a road between Riverside and orange county that goes

through the mountains where a ton of people die it's called ortega highway and i was high on a klonopin and i was on top of a uh that was actually no i was in a convertible standing up in the convertible uh uh at like two in the morning uh kind of just soaring through the air like the Titanic for maybe 30 minutes and yeah sorry did you just say soaring through the air like the Titanic the

blonde kid who fucking I'm king of something oh I thought you were talking about the Hindenburg I'm king of something the blonde kid oh my god I want the Emmy whatever I'm king of something. The blonde kid. Oh my god. I want the Emmy.

Whatever. I can't. The amount of just frustrated, thrown headphones there have been tonight. Yeah, he was in that movie Conception. Are you okay, Joe? I'm not saying you that much. It's just wonderful. Oh, Jesus.

Okay, guys. Do we have any plugs for the end of the show? Yeah. Yeah. I will be at Mother Mary's in Clovis this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday of the week. This is released. Rose Battle against Keith Carey, December 6th. And I will be doing a tour throughout Oklahoma, Missouri, and Kansas with Connor. Yeah.

And so you should check. Tweet us suggestions for the name of our tour. Yeah, tweet us suggestions for the name of the tour, and then stay tuned for specific dates on where we'll be. I also will probably be doing a couple dates in Texas. I'll be doing some dates in Tucson. We're going to meet up in the middle. But yeah, stay tuned

for details between me and Con Man take middle nowhere. Tonight, December 18th, I will be at the historical roast at Meltdown Comics of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Next Tuesday, October 25th, I will be at War historical roast at Meltdown Comics of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Next Tuesday, October 25th,

I will be at Warp Zone at the Virgil. It's our four-year anniversary show. We got Pete Holmes and a bunch of other real cool people coming out. On that same night, I will be at the roast battle at the world-famous comedy store beating the shit out of Kim Congdon.

So check those out. Oh, and also watch the roast of Rick Grimes on ScreenJunkies.com. I wrote a bunch of that. Excellent. On Wednesday, October 19thcom I wrote a bunch of that Excellent On Wednesday October 19th I'm going to be at Comedy Juice With the Hollywood Improv

On Thursday the 20th I'm going to be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club On Friday I'm going to be at the Hollywood Improv Lab Friday the 21st Also on October 25th I'm going to be at the Historical Roast Roasting a lot of dictators and war criminals So that is going to be right up my alley And my career is embarrassing And the 25th I'll also be at the historical roast roasting a lot of dictators and war criminals. So that is going to be right up my alley.

And my career is embarrassing. All right, guys. That was a good show. And the 25th, I'll also be at Madhouse in San Diego. So if you live there. At the Madhouse. Correction. I will be sent to a Madhouse in San Diego.

They have a terrible one. Madhouse. All right. Okay. All right. Let. All right. Let's fucking. Fuck everything. God is dying.

Everything. God is dead. Bye.