Mean Boys - EP 38 - Shitty Tornado Magnet

Episode Date: October 20, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Glengarry Glen Seuss”, “Twisted Nerves Promotions”, “Gen V Pokemon or City in New Mexico” and a game of “Which of the Following” with old English/Scottish Ballads both by Cali Velasquez. Follow the show on Twitter http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast / @meanboyspodcast and email us [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Mean Boys and Girls. Connor McSpadden here. Wanted to remind you guys that the Mean Boys podcast is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The purveyor of the finest Mexican food in the world in La Jolla, right down the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. You can order our signature Mean Boys burrito, Carnac Asada. And check out eataburrito.com for more information. Love Don Carlos. Get it into your life. however you need to do it.

Just make it happen. In addition to that, please follow the show on Twitter, at Mean Boys Podcast. We interact with people every day. That's if you guys want to yell at us or text us some, you know, send us some stupid shit. That's probably the best way to do it. If you've got anything longer you want to send us, like, games or weird questions or messages or love letters, that will go to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. Again, we read that all the time. And finally, please tell a friend about the show or the closest thing that you have to a friend, knowing our listening audience.

And also, review the show on iTunes. It's very easy. And every time I talk to somebody, they're like, oh, yeah, I love the podcast. Haven't reviewed it on iTunes yet fuck you all right super easy All right this is not this is just I Know you forgot your password recover it Get the thing sent to your email and

Then just type something out twice to Make our fucking show less rinky-dink All right? Bye. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast, where everything's made up and your prayers don't matter. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey.

And I'm... A float from the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Day Parade. Wow. Your head is very inflatable. Joe's unpleasant. And I would love to dispute that if it were not for the series of strings that are being held to people to hold you down. Dude, I mean, I really did think the other day, I need to gain some weight just to keep my head in proper proportion. Dude, because I swear to God, when I start to gain weight, it goes right in my face, and my face is first to go last to show.

It's like a fucking marine. It's just like a pyramid scheme. It all goes to the top. I also just feel like the sound of disdain you make sounds like a parade float deflating slowly. You do kind of look like Mr. Mackey went on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. That is. That's fair. That's very, very.

Dude, I'm worried I'm going to get jowly as a good old. Like, I really think. You're worried? I cannot wait for Jowly Joe. Dude, I really. Jowly Joe. Jowly Joe sounds like an old timey prostitute. There's no gold to be panned around here.

Your personality has jowls. I think it's fair to say. I left a foot in the Philippines. By the way, the way we warm up for this podcast is just expressing our disdain for various human beings. And just listening to Joe's complete flippant attitude towards our fellows was just... And I was just like, these are Nixon tapes for the irrelevant. It's my favorite thing. Connor's goddamn friends in the Inland Empire is the trashiest goddamn thing you can imagine.

Bunch of little skater fags playing grab ass with each other, Haldeman. Because I was like, yeah, I feel bad for this guy. Joe was like, oh, I don't. I absolutely... It was just... Bunch of garbage, Ross-working shit people. Mr. President, I've heard they've acquired Mountain Dew Code Red. They're enriching... Sprays an orange over them, Haldeman. By the way, I wouldn't...'ve acquired Mountain Dew Code Red. They're enriching.

Sprays an orange over them all the time. By the way, I went and visited my high school friends, and their big project right now is they bought a small oak barrel that they put Jack Daniels in, which they are barreling their own Jack Daniels and waiting four months. But the barreling whiskey they already bought? They already bought it. Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's a smaller barrel, so he described it as the hyperbolic time chamber from Dragon Ball Z, but for whiskey because the surface area of the wood is like... Well, I look forward

to these dumb idiots drinking bad whiskey in four months. This is like a plot of a fucking silent movie during Prohibition. Fucking Agent Moore, you see?

Because I can't shit my hooch down from Canada. I saw it on a... I saw it on a Zoetrope and a Nickelodeon. Deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle. A Zoet it on a Zoetrope and a Nickelodeon. A Zoetrope and Nickelodeon. The two best words I've ever heard in a sentence.

Zoetrope sounds like a fucking alt roller derby girl. Oh, God. What's the... I remember I went on a horrible date with a girl to a museum, and I just remembered the highlight was me riffing on daguerreotypes, and I'm like, somewhere Joe just got a headache right now. I don't know what daguerreotype is. Daguerreotypes is the first kind of photograph that was done on metal

with chemicals or some shit. I don't remember exactly. I can't believe that day didn't work out. Abort! Mexican Joe time! Ay, so topical. When he said daguerreotypes, I knew I had to suck his cock. Anyway.

This magic moment. On a daguerreotype, the San Diego Zoo posted a video of a baby orangutan attending his first day of sign language school. Donald Trump remarks, see, I'm already improving education in the inner cities. Oh, my God. China is renewing their investment in the space program, which explains that space shuttle that's had its blinker on the whole fucking way Oh my god. China is renewing their investment in the space program, which explains that space shuttle that's

had its blinker on the whole fucking way to the moon. God. Oh lord. The moon was such a necessary detail in that joke.

Chinese people, to the moon! I gotta sail across the sea and send the Japs to the moon. There's been a lot of old-timey intolerance already.

Oh, yeah. A D.C. police officer has been charged with a DUI while on duty, has reportedly been received paid vacation for shooting his own liver. Been received. Good one, con man. A study finds Facebook posts containing false information are more likely to receive likes and shares. This explains the popularity of Conor McSpadden's recent post, I am not a cum-filled balloon animal.

I would like to note for the listening record that my friends I went to high school with, their two notes were, more Joe, more Tom, less you. Fuck me, apparently. Everyone feels more Tom and less y'all of us. Well, yeah, he was just like, can you just make him an official Mean Boys? And I was like, fuck off! No! It's like making Ralph an official Simpson, apparently. Everyone feels more Tom and less y'all of us. Well, yeah, he was just like, can you just make him an official Mean Boys? And I was like, fuck off.

No. It's like making Ralph an official Simpson, man. Right where he needs to be, my man. Yeah, there's no room for you on the couch, boy. As somebody who lives with Tom, I promise you, you're getting enough, Tom. This is the proper amount of Tom. It really is. Wanting more Tom, it's like a fucking Augustus Gloop trying to drink the river of chocolate like you think you want to

but you're going to get stuck in a tube and go to the furnace. You're just going to have a nonsense headache. You don't understand. What you don't understand about Tom is that he is Tom at 8 o'clock in the morning. I'll wake up, I'll go outside on the porch, and I'll be like, why do rabbits? And I'll be like, I haven't had my coffee yet, bro. It's not him turning it up, it's him turning it down on the show.

Turned down for what? Well, John, he's normal size a group of children in a camp in malaysia were threatened with snakes as part of a team building exercise oh sure but when i get attacked by a snake at summer camp it's just because counselor jerry says they have pretty eyes needs more words oh fuck off a dick hole. He does. A biting slam from Keith Carey. Fuck off a dick hole shit. Take it back to the night. Oh, the poet laureate. You do have pretty eyes. Thank you. Yeah, but your joke was shit.

Go fuck yourself. Alright, cool. I'm gonna take off. Yeah, too bad they're just dampened by the rest of you. The lotus flower in the swamp blooms. My eyes are a rose growing out of a dirty sidewalk Oh yeah, your eyes are the worst Banksy The creator of Sour Patch Kids has passed away this week

He will receive the traditional family burial Being hastily shoved into a purse, half eaten Then left into a gullible marmite until he gets hard and gross I stopped hearing words a lot of the way into that It just became blah blah blah, gross I don't know man Not a good idea. Not a good week for me.

The Pentagon has classified active combat troops in Iraq as advisors rather than soldiers. In other news, the police have seen a decrease in brutality cases and a rise in extreme massages.

I like that. The Philippines have officially ended their ally status with the United States. Barack Obama was seen sailing across the Pacific with a boombox

and a copy of Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. You know, on an interesting note, if you ever heard the Dan Carlin episode on the Spanish-American War, you could actually hear Dan Carlin say the N-word. So if that's a bucket list... New bump, everybody. New opening title song. Because it's a word I don't bump, everybody. I mean, not... Oh, man. New opening title song?

Because it's a word I don't like to use. And he says, like he says, again. Yeah. We've bespirched the man enough. By the way, our original Dan Carlin sketch is like the 12th highest upvoted thing on the Dan Carlin subreddit. Yeah. And it's just all people saying, it's good,

but he's talking too fast. And they did not like the threesome one. Just smirching their eyes. Oh, it was immediately down. Yeah, any kind of Dan Slammery was not... He was foolish. Come on down to Daddy's and get the new Dan Slammery. Dan Slammery.

Doesn't he do weather on some local news? Sounds like a ride get laid. By the way, my weather... The Dan Slammery. You go he do weather on some local news station? Sounds like a ride get laid. By the way, my weather... The Dan Slammery. You go down there, you find your father's loving a penis. That's what they'll do. They're all in the 50s, you see? Come on down.

That is the name for, like, the DL Montana gay bar, the Dan Slammery. Dan Slammeries. And then it's just... Oh, God. They had that in Montana. It's called the Bush. By the way, I was...

Nine months, you know. I was talking to a gay fellow that was friends with a Republican in one of my gigs in the middle of nowhere. And it was the most adorable gorilla kitty friendship ever. And at the end of the show, he was telling me about hooking up in the bush a little bit. And I was like, you've got to tell me where this bush is. I'm just curious. And he goes, it's on the intersection of Magnolia and Fruit Street. And I was like, you idiots put it on Fruit Street? You're in the most hostile environment ever. It's about hiding intersection of Magnolia and Fruit Street. And I was like, you idiots put it on Fruit Street. You're in the most hostile environment ever.

It's not a hide-and-play-in-sight shit. Yeah, it's not the bushes in a place on a map. It's a place in your heart. To be fair, they trimmed all the shrubs on Faggot Avenue. Have a bunch of deciduous plants there. They're all bare in the winter. Can't get blown near a palm tree. The fronds keep falling down.

Sounds like rhubarb root. I got bonked on the head with a coconut when I was blowing someone. Some people think it's seasonal. I just like to think it's Mother Gaia crying. A Kentucky woman that fell asleep in a dumpster woke up in the back of a garbage truck. In light of the incident, Keith's mother has been named Methadone Forest Gump.

As soon as I heard garbage truck, it's... They were also telling me they're remiss to the lack of Keith's mother slams, and I was like, yeah, it has been a good while. Sure has! I'm gonna feel bad about this, but there's just nothing else to do. In honor of Halloween, IHOP unveiled

their new item, Scary Pancakes. Restaurant customers have lauded Keith Carey as the man who conquered fear. Sorry, Keith. As soon as Keith hears a carb-rich food stuff when we record, for the listeners, he takes his headphones out

and takes a cleansing breath. You understand? It's not just food. It's like food, masses, anything round. Spheres. Oh, God. Most bacteria. The word congealed. Also, I'm really upset that there's not a better name

than scary pancakes. That's lazy. That's the least amount of work you can do. Fucking scary pancakes. I have contempt for all our animal fucking customers. At least spooky. Well, let's come up with a better Denny's pancakes. I have contempt for all our animal fucking customers. At least spooky. Well, let's come up with a better Denny's pancakes. Like the Flap Jack the Ripper.

Flap Jack the Ripper. Yeah. Yeah, Flap Jack's the Ripper. You know, Ripper the Flap Jack. Whatever. You know, the pieces are there. Ripper the Flap Jack. It's better than scary pancakes. Yo, you take a broad out to the fucking make out point, you Ripper the Flap Jack. I used to get blown behind Flap Jack Rippers in fucking

Plentywood. However, I do believe the scary pancakes are ghost shaped and have pumpkin flavoring in them. So if that's not the cutest damn thing you ever heard. Oh, that does sound pretty good. What are you guys doing after this? Do they come with fruit? Only a few of them. Booberry.

I'm trying harder than they did. A new study ranked the top ten most in-demand job skills around the globe. The top three are data mining, statistical analysis, and butt stuff. Newark County butthole. By the way, someday we'll be

issuing a Mean Boys glossary for the people that did not listen to whatever episode eight Newark Candy Land 4 was on and don't know why we say that every time. Tom Glass told me a story about him being in Oklahoma and talking to a guy that liked Mean Boys, and he was like, yeah, you know, last night I felt like I was really on fire, but tonight just something, it just felt like,

and the guy goes, a Newark County Landfill. That's heartwarming. Also, calm down. You're in Oklahoma. Yeah, exactly. Your landfills are pale in comparison. Your Newark County landfill is Disneyland compared to your shitty tornado magnet

of a state. Your state's a landfill of shitty tornado magnet. Your state's a landfill of Indians. Oh, no. That's what they did. In our defense, we used every part of the Indonesian people's resources. That was where you cringed. We had nine minutes about a historian saying the N-word, not moments ago. He was quoting a racist person.

All right. An Oregon man was arrested on Sunday for attacking his landlord with a samurai sword. In a related story, Tom Goss' forehead scars started to ache as he stared into the middle distance. My brother, I feel you. That went too, but then he got Tom lost. I like how we immediately vetoed the idea of Tom being on every show, and then we just talk about him when he's gone. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but that makes him fun. He's never really gone. A restaurant in France has just opened in which all the chefs and staff suffer from Down syndrome. Upon arriving, the diners will be seated by the matriarch. Customer's report, the waiter pointed to the table's floral decorations and said, are you going to eat that? For the grand opening, the chef has prepared his signature dish, foie gras and Lego pieces.

We got to figure out the tallest skyscraper in New Jersey to say after someone does a joke like that. They turned back. Do we have to keep going? Oh, God. I made a fart in the courtroom. They're blankets you wear. They serve S-car slow. It got a five-star rating for doing all its homework on time.

Yeah, this place had great reviews on derp. It was on help Me Tie My Shoes. By the way, he did. He sure did. But this reminds me of one of the... Do you ever just see something in the world and you get so sad that it exists? I saw something in a Walgreens. Yeah, I'm sitting across from him.

Good night, everybody. That's the show. Even in a blinding birth, you found a way to hate. Help me time my shoe. I'm an asshole. Oh, I have the words. We're all not good people. Oh, my God. the short bus boy!

The coloring outside the line, Cook! I can't breathe! Oh no! Oh, no. So should I just... Should I go? Sadly. Well, to finish my story, I saw a ribbon in Walgreens that had a penguin on it

and it said, I dressed myself. And doesn't that just make your heart break for some poor mother who got pregnant at 38? Well, that's what they have instead of an employee of the month thing. Oh my God, I can't even say it. Does the employee of the month get their own parking spot for the tricycle? Sir, can I check your helmet?

Alright. My napkin goes on my foot. Sir, we have a jacket and pinned mittens coat. Let me bring you some appetizers. Here's some crayons. Is this Play-Doh spaghetti gluten-free? A teacher convicted of raping a 13-year-old student

slit his own throat in the courtroom. The man survived, once again being foiled by a gash that was too small. Oh, no. That was... I just turned off the lights and put up the chairs at fucking the tart factory or wherever, really. Turned down forever.

Oh, my God. I'm trying to think of more things and I don't like where my brain's going. It's fine, he lived. Not for that. I know, I'm trying to move us off of this because we're going to hell. Alright, well guys, this is going to be a strong 90 degree turn. An Oklahoma

City owl named Mr. Tiger, famous to locals for his popular live stream, was murdered this week. His handler issued a tearful statement asking the world, who did this? Who? Who? Yeah, Mr. Owl was the manager.

He cut my hours. And my hair. I get to wear a tall hat because I make the bread. Get to wear a tall hat. Alright, we're not going to break until we name this restaurant. Red Robin, my mother of all her free time due to my disability I pee pee in the toilet like a big boy RD

How about just Donnie's Marie coloring book calendar. Should have never been allowed to be born again. What? I was going for a Bennegan's thing. It didn't work. Look, we've milked this fucking prostate dry, okay?

Buffalo water wings. I got it. Let's go. I'll see you in a minute. Halloween is coming. The blood moon is rising. Ghosts and goblins will roam the streets, and like a dark prophecy whispered on an unholy tongue, heed this warning.

Twisted Nerve Productions, in association with the Fountain Valley Homeowners Association, are proud to announce Spooktown 2016. That's right, for one night only, the three blocks of homes between Brookhurst and Euclid are pulling out all the stops, providing a gauntlet of family-friendly scares and trick-or-treating opportunities. It's going to make every other all-ages Halloween block party look like a bag of hot ass water. All the houses are getting in on the action.

They're hanging up dangly plastic skeletons that are so spooky, you'll piss shit out of your dick's butthole. We got jack-o'-lanterns, jilla-lanterns, and everything in between. Our pumpkins come in all genders. And if you've got a problem with that, go back to your house and fuck a blender. It's going to be festive to death. Every house is coming in hot with full-size candy bars. That's right, full-size. We're talking

16 bars of name-brand chocolate at every door. You want it fun-size? Then go trick-or-treat on Bitch Baby Island. Fuck knows. This is how we do it on the FV streets. The Asian family on the corner is handing out some crazy oriental candy you've never even heard of. Is it regular chocolate?

Is it like spicy maybe? Will it turn you into a gremlin? We don't fucking know. And neither does the FDA. Larry Tomlinson on Sycamore Drive is back. And this year he's handing out candy like a sensible human being. No more of that toothbrush bullshit. We've got Larry on contract saying he'll play ball.

And if he tries to improve your dental hygiene, kill his dog with a brick. The Robinsons are out of town, but they left a bucket of candy in a sign that says take one. So take one. Just one. If you take two, we will find where you live and make your mom deep throat a cactus. That creepy kid Tyler Dawson on Pepper Tree Lane turned his garage into a haunted house. That's right. He's got trash bag hallways for days, and his little goth buddies are gonna be popping out of the walls and making you so scared

you'll fucking kill yourself. Tyler's parents aren't super stoked on it, but they're letting it slide because if they don't, they're worried he'll bring a gun to school. Jake Milton and his little shithead friends are gonna be egging houses and stealing candy all goddamn night. Think he's behaving poorly?

Suck a dick, dude, because Jake's dad is in prison, and he lashes out because he lacks a strong male role model to the max. And just like every year, we'll be closing out the night with a block-wide, full-throttle, take-no-prisoners costume contest. Everyone's invited, from toddlers dressed as Pikachu to sluts dressed as slutty Pikachu. Winner gets a Baskin-Robbins gift certificate. Loser gets hepatitis.

SpookFest 2016. It'll make you come a nightmare. Ladies and gentlemen, the Meat Boys are back with a new fan-submitted game by one of our favorite listeners. I call him the Anti-Colby. His name is Callie Velasquez, or her name. I don't really fucking know, but they send a lot of cool shit. I think that's a lady. Oh, yeah?

I think so. Sounds like a lady. It's so weird how many female fans we have. I'm truly disturbed by it. And they're all into dressage and weird fancy shit. Oh, they're all lovely young ladies. Yeah, we like ponies and rage. Yeah, they're like high society Mexican politicians' daughters.

It's like, what the fuck? What kind of net are we casting here? We received a tweet with a Carnock t-shirt with some boobs next to it, and I was just like, oh, what? I was absolutely not surprised by the drawing of me blowing Keith with a California-shaped dick in front of it.

I'm a little upset to be left out of that, by the way. I mean, try me jerking off. Always a bridesmaid, huh? Yeah, exactly. He's jealous. Someone put your dick on a drawing of Joe, all right? I just put out the bat signal. It's going to happen.

You know, I'm not ashamed to admit I need a little attention every now and then, team. I'm communicating my needs. If we get enough dick pics, we'll do like a dog show of penises for me and Joe. Oh, my God. We should have a Mean Boys dick pageant. Oh, my God. Yes. A Western Terrier with a new plumage.

Call to action. Create a burner email account. And then send us your dick on top of a piece of fan art. And we will institute a Twitter poll. Oh, I love this. Winner gets a thing. Yeah, a winner gets whatever the next t-shirt is. I'll send you one. Does that sound fair? And honor you'll

get. Glory. Mostly the t-shirt. Yeah. You gotta... These animals aren't motivated by titles. Alright, well this game... One of my favorite premises, just right out of the gate of anything I've ever heard, this is Generation 5 Pokemon or City in New Mexico.

I feel like we don't need a jingle for that one. Yeah, I don't know. It's a Pokeball opening and then a tumbleweed blow-by sound effect. I choose you, turquoise jewelry purchased by the freeway. Oh, my God. A good friend of mine, Alfonso Ochoa, went to New Mexico and he tweeted, I'm seeing so many new colors in New Mexico and then he puts hashtag electric tan. When I went to Arizona and within 30 minutes I met a dude named Dante who sold turquoise jewelry out of a Dodge Challenger.

That was minute 29. Don't you love when some places are just like, we are the stereotype of what this is. Yeah, hi, we're what you thought. How do you name a child Dante? It's like naming a girl Brittany and expecting her to be the CEO. Yeah, if you name anything Dante that isn't your fucking rogue in an RPG,

you should have it taken away from you. Not a cat, not a dog. I would maybe make an exception for some kind of like, you know, hunting bird. But other than that, it's just like a falcon. Oh, yeah, bro. Dante sounds like he could make a system manager at Buffalo Wildlings once he gets the DUI shit taken care of and nothing else in life. There's a woman that comes on AM radio sometimes and she does like this thing called like the name. She's like, oh, the name lady.

Or she comes. She'll just you'll tell her name and and she does this thing called The Name. She's like, oh, The Name Lady. Or you'll tell her her name, and then she'll tell you things about you. I would love to do The Name Boys, where you give us your weird name, like D'Artagnan, and then we just tell you, okay, yeah, you're the only guy that knows the rules to roller derby.

Oh, I like that. That would be really fun. All right, well, we just gave you guys a lot of homework and the longest segment intro ever. Let's play. Number one, Generation 5 Pokemon, or City in New Mexico, Cloudcroft. Oh, ever. Let's play. Number one, Generation 5 Pokemon or city in New Mexico, Cloudcroft.

Oh, shit. Yeah, guys. Oh, this is going to be hard. Cloudcroft sounds like a German new wave band. Dude, I got Cloudcroft tickets. It was just a bunch of screensavers and they pressed play on a tape recorder. 99 cumulo nimbus crowds.

Yeah, I remember the most old man thing I've ever heard is my eighth grade math teacher. He was like, 99 cumulo nimbus crowds Yeah I I remember the most old man thing I've ever heard Is my 8th grade math teacher He was like yeah my wife wants to go see Depeche Mode And he's like what do they do just press play on the tape recorder And I was like this is 2006 sir Damn man I think Cloudcroft

It sounds like Japanese gibberish You know like when they named Donkey Kong Thinking it meant like Crazy Kong I think that sounds like they thought it meant something in Japanese, so I'm going to say Pokemon. I am going to agree with Joe on this. I'm going to say Pokemon. That is a city in New Mexico with a population of 684 people.

Oh, shit. That is not a city. That is, at best, a village. By the way, we need to book a gig there immediately. We should just do a Townsweep shit on tour. Oh, I would absolutely love that Mean Boys Roast Your Village live from the Newark County Landfill well Doug Stan would do a thing called the shit town tour

and I would love to do the Mean Boys shit town tour someday where we just go to the armpits of the world I had a gig where it was pitched to me it ended up getting cancelled but it was like yeah the bar is pretty loud but afterwards the locals will take you out to the hot springs and I I was like, alright, well, I don't care if I have to pay to do that. You could do a set in Eureka!

Because that's where the Kugan Festival is. Durant. Is Durant a Pokemon or a city in New Mexico? I'm not going away! Well, hang on, I'll handle this now. Rudy, we done told you, you stay in your room. Order in the court, cauliflower! Carl has the floor! The worst part of Rudy, okay, we done told you you stay in your room. Order in the court.

Cauliflower Carl has the floor. The worst part of Rudy. Okay, Ruba Rudy and Rutabaga Roger are like the fucking arms race in the Cold War. It's like we invented the H-bomb, and then the only way you have to counter it is with another one. And then it's just a more dangerous, terrible world. Well, now I don't care about your big city. Hoo-ha, you're throwing around here. Yeah, it's mutually assured Connor's fucking blood pressure. All right, goodbye.

So courteous, Rutabaga Roger. Hey, I'm mutually assured Connor's fucking blood pressure. Alright, goodbye. So courteous for you, Big Roger. Hey, I'm back. What's going on? What's the fucking thing? That's such a strange revolving door of monsters we have in this Echo Park kitchen. They all sound vaguely familiar. Yeah, I don't know. A mystery to me. Durant. Is that a city in New Mexico or a Generation 5

Pokemon? Durant sounds like some weird Japanese fruit that smells like butts. Like a persimmon. It tastes sweet, but it tastes like wood. You will not shit it well. Persimmon is for sure the name of a barista you had a tryst with, Joe. That's way too femmy for me. Persimmon? No, he's black.

That looks like... Remember we were talking about Handsome Stalin? It seems like Handsome Stalin's name would be Persimmon. And he would play the mandolin in a fucking folk band. It means like man of flowers. No, steel, steel. That's what it's going to be. Yeah, Durant's is like a Korean grocery store pickup where you're like,

is this a chili pepper or some kind of strawberry? It's like a cum cup with spikes on it or something. I'm going to say town in New Mexico. I'm going to say Pokemon. It is a Pokemon that looks like a metal ant. Thank you for the description. It's a durable ant. Durable, yeah.

How do you like that? The next one, Jerales. That's a town, Jerales. It's a town or like an off-brand. That's like the RC Cola of Mexico. Are we sure it's Jerales and not Jerales? It is Jerales. Why'd you guys Jerales instead of Jalisco?

You chief. Yeah, it's a town in New Mexico. All right, well, yeah, I was trying to make it more hard. That's a population, 2475. Nice. Good living, Harales. All right. Crocker Rock.

That's a Pokemon. That's a great Elton John song. I'm a Crocker Rock. Crocker Rock into the... I ran out of Master Balls. Crocker Rock is a Pokemon. It's got to be. Yeah, that is a Pokemon. It's got to be. Yeah, it is a Pokemon.

It looks like a bipedal pissy crocodile, he writes in his description. When did you learn bipedal? Oh, he wrote it. I know some words, Joseph. I know, because you... You were about to... Because we taught you them. Oh, my God.

I do not like the fact that you guys are doing this antagonistic fucking the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains type thing with my vocabulary. Would you rather say that you have a poor vocabulary or get called a greasy biomass every week? I think you've got... I think you drew the long straw. You're fucking fine! I think I have an above average vocabulary. I think that's fair. I think I'll give a hot fuck. I'm sorry I don't read the fucking Defense Against the Dark Arts handbook every morning

and come up with some weird 50s glossary that no one's used since the goddamn FDR administration. I'm currently reading a Gore Vidal book on the Founding Fathers, which you would really enjoy. I would love to hear about that after we're done fighting. Okay, then. Do that thing. I'd love to, too. After I'm done with my Gerald Ford book. All right.

Mosquero. Mosquero. That's like a drag queen that would get eliminated on episode two. Mosquero, just go away. I am not an actress. I'm not funny. I think, isn't Mosquero... I am mildly attractive, and I have a lot of opinions.

Yeah, yeah. All right, I got to shoot this riff in the foot so I don't have to listen to it. But it's so much fun. No, I'm kidding. Go on with your... You would love Drag Race. I know I would. You truly would enjoy it.

But you guys are ignoring the fact that Mosquera is what Cholos wear on their eyes. I'm going to say... I'm going to say Cholas. It wouldn't have been better. Mosquera, I'm going to say Pokemon. That is a city in New Mexico Population 93 Spanish for flycatcher 93

Dude I remember They used to have these little Tiny towns in South Dakota And they would look at my town Like of 25,000 people As like the big city Oh yeah Like a city kid in South Dakota

You know New Mexico's got Mexicans 93 what is that Like four houses Oh Gary Swaggity swaggity doo I did a show in Ashland, Montana, and I remember I got there, and I was just like, where the fuck are the people going to come from?

But they just wandered in through the fog. It was terrifying. Welcome to buttfuck nowhere. Population, you, I guess. Yeah, the internet. We didn't have an Ethernet cable and a phone card, so that was right out. Oh, my God. We're going to put the mic there for the kid.

Where are they going to put the spittoon? Yeah, our phones didn't work. We had to use a map to navigate. And we look at this map of the gas station. And we start driving on this dirt road. And we get like 20 miles under this dirt road. And then a guy on a horse drives past. And we pull over.

And we're like, hey, sir, does this go to the 93 East or whatever? And he was just like, yeah, there's a dirt road for another 100 miles. Your little car is going to be in bad shape. Yeah. Driving my Honda Fit. Oh my god. Sometimes I get jealous of your life as a fabulous touring comedian. Then I hear these stories and I'm like, no, I'm good. Oh, it's fabulous.

It refers only to my eyebrows. Driving your Honda Fit. My name is fabulous and I do not trust mascara. She is not going to be my team captain, I tell you that. That is the best queen in cleaning supply. Nambe. What is Nambe?

Dicks out for Nambe. All right. Dicks out for her. I'm going to say Pokemon. I'm not done yet. Why? I'm going to say Pokemon as well. That is a city in New Mexico.

Population 1,818. Heck of a deal. A Pueblo. They once made beautiful Mexican kitchenware, but they sold the name and now Nambeware is made in China and India. Don't know what that means. Get the fuck out. What?

I do like when people include the etymology as though it matters at all. We are just going to make drag queen ribs. They make weird Pueblo Indian shit in fucking India and China? I guess, yeah. God, NAFTA really did jizz in all our faces. Anyway. NAFTA really did jizz. I just watched a man's Trump switch flip.

Yeah, that was the most Joe Dodge sentence I've ever heard in my life. NAFTA really blew a hot load in our mouths. Oh, yeah, we've been... Boys, we don't change the middle class in this country. We're going to be leaking cum all over our chairs. Yeah, this is your stump speech. We've been bottoming for free trade since the 90s, people. America tops the earth.

Thunderous applause. Oh, my God. Make America gape again. Another one of my China friends was telling me that she was watching this porn where she said the worst porn she ever saw was one where they had one of those butt speculums, where they widen the butt. And then she said, no dicks involved. They just put cereal in and then milk and then ate the cereal. I've seen it. And my thing was like, wouldn't you put the milk in first?

They put the cheerio. Clouds of white. Sorry. Shitcrumbs all over my balanced breakfast. But if you're going to put cereal in a gaping butthole, I feel like you start with the Cheerios and then work your way towards. You start with milk and then put the Cheerios in. Can you imagine if it was Captain Crunch, you'd just get anal fissures from the cutting. That's true.

It tastes crunchy even in milk. But dude, you'd get like a weird nicotine gum, gum scraping, like, sugar contact high. Like when somebody, like, fucking spoons, like, blow up your butt? Oh, yeah. Like, no, that's like a local news story waiting to happen. Like, children engaging in a new candy phenomenon called butt skittling. What in fresh hell is this? It's called corn

popping and it's sweeping the nation. You remember butt shugging when that was like the big thing that housewives were worried about. I just watched Steve-O do that on YouTube. Oh really? I came here. Yeah. Yeah the thing was that like look oh yeah that's stupid the way you do it is you put Everclear on a tampon and then put it up and then pull it out with a string but I

just want to see that tampon string Drake and that guy get fucking alcohol poisoning while his buddy tries to dig a wad of cotton out of his bro ass. Doesn't that sound like the greatest fucking... It sure does. Alright, Bouldore. Bouldore.

I'm gonna say... It's hard to say without seeing them written down. You know what I mean? B-O-L-D-O-R-E. They closed down the Walmart You got to drug the bouldery for propane I'm going to say Pokemon It's a Pokemon Looks like a geometric rock tripod with golden eyes

I think it's telling that all the town names Are also rock Pokemon Yeah There's no fighting in here No sky There's no sky to look up to and be hopeful. Sorry, New Mexico, you got your air privileges revoked. I believe Crocoroc

can learn close combat, which is a fighting missile. Oh, sorry. Anyway, forgot that I was cooler than you guys. Um, actually. Alright, guys, the dino-rabbit format of Yu-Gi-Oh! You would banish rescuers. Oh my god. Willard. Final question. Willard. Willard. That better be a town.

Yeah, that's a town. Because that seems like they're getting real lazy. They're like, fucking Geoball and Rockmon. I don't know. Dave. Fucking Dave. I love the Destiny scene in Pokemon where everyone gets your starter Pokemon that's going to be the best friend for the rest of your life.

You get Willard. You get a Charmander. Like, oh, dude, you get a Totodile. Like, all right. And for you, Joe, you get Willard. Willard, his type is a... Hi. Hi, I'm Willard.

Can I have your Pokemon? Yeah, just the old guy with a fucking pencil-thin, like, wispy mustache. Yeah, he will have so many adventures. You got Willard. His type is accounts receivable. I'm good at collating. He's weak to social interactions. My boss says I can't eat granola bars in the cubicle anymore, but I'm a naughty boy.

You don't evolve him with a thunderstorm. You just put a stapler on his head, and then he gets bigger and sadder. He's a 401k, has a thunderstorm. Mondays, am I right? I'm a bit of a jokester. Oh, I hate Willard. I hate him very much. Willard's strapped in because he's a part of this family now.

He is. He's locked in. What Keith is doing with his face to make this voice is truly unpleasant to the listener. It feels bad.

It's difficult to be in the room when that's going on. All right. Well, Willard's a town. Remember this next time you try to come? Ha!

Already so many things I gotta remember. Willard is, Willard is, it's gotta be a Pokemon. I don't feel like they would've included it if it weren't a Pokemon. Well, okay, quick sidebar. What I was saying about the asshole cereal, I realized that those butt speclums are just

like the Clockwork Orange Lutevocio treatment, but for your ass. I was gonna jump in here. I think it's probably just a speculum. I don't think it's a different thing. Oh, I don't know what the word for it is. It's for sure not butt speculum. Well, you know, it's one of those things where, like, you know, it looks like a eyelash curler. Like a T-square. Anyway.

What are you using to keep your butthole open, Joe? What kind of shop class operation do you got going on in there? Just a crank. It's literally wood shop. Alright, well, it's a town with 253 people and we've got some serious personal questions to figure out and after that, we'll be right back.

They all here? I'll accept the cat in the hat. Well, I'm going anyway. Let me have your attention, please. My name is the Lorax. I speak for the leads. You're talking about what? A sale you can't land?

Some broad won't let you put your green eggs in her ham? Does that shit matter? I say to you, no, sirs. Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers. Listen up close and listen up quick. Your sales are pathetic. They make me sick.

Hear me, I say, like Horton hears whose. Believe me, pal, I am not fucking with you. I'm here on a mission of worry and mercy. A mission assigned by both Mitchell and Murray. Levine, they are worried, both Murray and Mitch. You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?

What's your name again? One fish, two fish, red fish, blue. What's my name? My name is fuck you. You came to work in a Hyundai, Levine. I took a W wobulous flying machine with gizmos and gadgets and lots of propellers you ain't shit to me unless you're the best seller nothing matters except being on top you're a good father fuck you let your kids hop on pop

go home and tell your wife all your woes or or sit down, shut up, and fucking close. We've just changed the rules of this month's competition. First prize is a thing for which you've all been wishing. A genuine, bona fide Cadillac car. Oh, the places you'll go, wide and far. Second prize is a wonderful thing. Ting-toslers and bing-boslers with bells you can ring. If you sell less than that, I think you should know.

Third prize is you're fired, so go, dog, go. You want to keep your fucking job? Then repeat after me, you cocksucking slobs. A is for always. B is for be. C is for closing. Easy, you see. You'll never forget it. I wrote it in chalk. Interested? I hope so, because it's fuck or walk. Always be closing in a box with a fox while wearing socks on a train on a plane in the rain or off in Spain.

These leads are worth millions. It's true. We've price tagged it. So I ask, do you hear me, you fucking faggots? Always be closing the fucking leads. The fucking leads to sell the fucking thneeds. Because fucking thneeds are what everyone needs. Their name on the line is what I must read. The thneeds are weak.

The thneeds are weak? The fucking thneeds are weak? You're weak. You better start now. Start jumping these hurdles. Start stacking up sales like you're Yertle the Turtle. Otherwise all you sneetches and hoos Will be on the corner just shining my shoes

And when snow starts to fall and the weather gets frosty You'll have no more dollars from the job that you losty No presents or toys for little girls and scamps You can't buy roast beast with fucking food stamps And you'll look at your daughter, sweet Cindy Lou Who And you'll tell her it wasn't sweet Cindy Lou Who, and you'll tell it wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was you.

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys Podcast returns with our final and favorite segment, another fan submitted round of Which of the Following? Yay! Huzzah! Yippee. This week comes to us again from Cali, Velasquez. Thank you, Cali. Thank you, Cali.

I'm going, going to, to thank Cali. Am I right, guys? You sure aren't. You were incorrect. What? No, I thought that... Oh, everybody loved it. You were right. Hang on, do it again. I'm going, going to, to think. Callie, Callie.

Nah, see, it's still bad. It's still really bad. Should I do it a third time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One more time. All right, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm going, going to, to think.

Callie, Callie. Shut up. Oh, no. I thought it was funny, but then I remembered I was just thinking about Joe's joke from earlier. Oh, damn. Well, all right. Which of the Falling!

One too many fat jokes. This is really rough, guys. Revenge! It's rough, I tell ya. Well, I guess you guys are going to have fun editing the podcast this week. This week's game. Rutabaga Rogers coming to town to take some guilt trip, but that's legal around these parts. Haven't I suffered enough?

I'll sentence you to 20 more minutes of just affably finish this show. He can pick rutabagas. That's fun. That's enough out of you, rutabaga, and your sale. I feel like Keith in every three way he's ever been involved with right now.

Awesome. This is a gate. This is rutabaga Roger or whoever. What's the witch of the following category? I just heard good things. I'm just enjoying it, but I don't have a place in it. It'll work. Not so much.

Just more geometrically than anything. Witch of the following is not a real, old English or Scottish ballad. Awesome. Fuck you. Awesome. All right. A, round one, witch of the following is not a blah, blah, blah. A, Brown Robin's Confession.

B, The Famous Flower of Serving Men. C. Okay, hang on. That is the Ballad of Joe Donovan. Well, I mean, the aspiring famous flower of serving men. The mid-level flower. The working feature flower of Serving Man. The house MC of Serving Man.

There it is. Continue. He did a hot 20 on the planes of... Oh, a passable 20, I think. Oh, you're like a decent counterfeit. You got a passable 20, but that's about it. He did 20 minutes in front of Dat Fan on the planes. They started him with contempt.

But still, they bought the chicken strips. And the souvenir glass of old. When me and Keith were first starting doing stand-up, the people that would come to see shows at the improv, we'd always call them souvenir glass people because they would just walk out so stoked with their souvenir glass and we're just like, oh, look at these SGPs. They're fucking elitist cunts.

Now Connor calls them fans. And wife. I'll have you guys know, I just got dumped two weeks ago, so thank you very much. Sorry. No, it's cool. It's ago, so thank you very much. Oh, sorry. No, it's cool. It's all good. Tom heals all wounds.

Did you say Tom heals all wounds? Because that is correct. Everyone wants me to heal stuff. Go listen to the bonus episode where we are all sad, and then Tom showed up with a broken car horn and told me that he is not the archangel of cheer. That was one of the funniest things. Anyway. C, riddles wisely expounded. Or D, the funniest things. Anyway. C. Riddles wisely expounded. Or D. The thrifty Aberdeen bride.

Well, that's my hometown. Oh, yeah. That sounds like my mother. Not the Kurt Cobain Aberdeen, the shitty Aberdeen. Yeah, yeah. Is your mother thrifty? I think the Kurt Cobain Aberdeen is pretty shitty. I don't know what kind of bustling metropolis you think Aberdeen, Washington is.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I don't know. She seems like she'd treat herself. She sure treated herself to a swell sun. I'll tell you that right now. That was a big investment. How can we get it off this? What was the first one?

I like this guy. No. That's right. It's your old pal Willard. We're not doing... Can't... It's so uncomfortable. I just... I'm everyone's favorite i'm just gonna drug go drink antifreeze and devise an equally positive disgusting character and then

we could just stop doing this podcast because it'll just turn into a fucking the world clouds up with dust nuclear war positivity what was the first one connor uh brown robin's confession oh that's like like which i think is that she actually still has a dick. No, that's Yellow Robins Confession. Bam, bam! It's just more tan than anything. I'm going to say Brown Robins Confession. Gary? I'm going to say the flower one.

The fake one is the Thrifty Aberdeen Bride. Okay, God, this is an ultra fan. This is like one of those... He may have even written that as a nod to Joe's origin story. Maybe, I appreciate that. Yeah. He also might be a woman. We never really clarified that.

All right. Number two. A, the Vicar of Chino. No, I'm just fucking around. The Archduke of Long Beach. Funny you should say, A, the Duke of Athol's Nurse. All right. B, the Vicar of Gropecunty Lane.

Sorry. Gropecunty Lane. Sorry. Gropecunty? Yeah. C. That's what fucking Scottish Trump does. That's on my Harold tree. C. Hindhorn.

Or D. Johnny Cock. I'm going to say Gropecunty Lane Lane and I'm going to be very, very pleasantly surprised if that's true. Johnny Cock is the star of a very erotic version of Short Circuit. No, Johnny Cock seems if they made like

a Downton Abbey porno it would be called Johnny Cock. Or something. I'm going to say Grope Cunty. It is the vicar of Grope Cunty Lane.

That is not quite the best... Yeah, that's like an elephant hiding behind it. I mean, Johnny Cox is pretty rough. Yeah, but it's no Grub County Lane. I thought it was maybe Grub County, and it's just like a weird pronunciation. I should have just changed it to Grub County to make it more believable. Grub County.

Grub County. Grub County Lane. Number three, which of the following is not an old English or Scottish ballad? Oh, good, he's getting in on it. I don't even... I'm taking my ball and going home. All right, this is recording on my fucking copy of Stolen Audacity. Okay, you guys can all go fuck right off.

I lost the game. A, Alison Gross. B, Faust Fudridge. What? C, the gay goshawk. Or D, a North Sea repartee. Look how I fly. Faust Fudridge sounds like a guy I regret not hitting on.

Faust Fudridge. The one who got away. He used the whole leg He worked It wasn't even that bar In Montana That we decided Was where the gay people fucked

Oh, at Dance Slammeries? Yeah, Dance Slammeries You know, I was Faust Fudridge At Dance Slammeries Faust Fudridge Reminded me This time I was at the Eagle

And there was this guy there Who had to abandon Like his mid-fifties And he was like He looked like Mike From Breaking Bad But a little fatter And I remember

He took out his phone to text And this is in a leather bar Mind you With people just Blowing each other Willy nilly He took out his phone to text. And this is in a leather bar, mind you, with people just blowing each other willy-nilly. He took out his phone to text, and he put on his reading glasses to send the text. And to this day, I'm like, God, I wish I would have fucked him. Yeah, that's a Joe Dosh home run. It's disdain for technology. It's disdain for technology.

Forgettable physique. Yeah. And a stern face. Oh, yeah. I love your story about the guy. The one that got away started with, yeah, he's like that old man from TV, but fatter. I'm going to say goshawk. Isn't that a grizzled, joyless man?

The grizzled, joyless man is the four. The fake one is the North Sea Repartee. Oh, that's a little too festive. We've got to listen to the gay goshawk, because that is a story that was, you know, that was a song that was written 400 years of premonition. A warning to the future. That's Joe and Tom's podcast when we separate. Number four, which of the following is in a real Old English or Scottish ballad?

A, Peter Willie's Chant. B, The Grey Cock. C, The Wee Wee Man. Or D, Dicko the cow. Oh, the gray cock is where you met that guy, right? Dicko the cow. It sounds like a really lazy, like, tall tale. Dicko the cow sounds like something you guys would call my mom.

It's Dicko the cow. Okay. Oh, no, that's Tom's clowning persona that he did at birthday parties. Damn, Dicko the clown. No, the cow. Oh, I don't's Tom's clowning persona that he did at birthday parties. Damn, dick on a clown. No, the cow. Oh, I don't know, boffa. I couldn't afford one of the clown costumes. Moo.

Kids like cows. They're like, milk, drink it. They can pin the tail on me or whatever. Yeah, I don't have a lot of feeling back there. It's fine. Why are y'all crying? Can you run me through the options just quickly? I kept the bell on me.

Ring, ring, ring-a-ling. Now people know when I'm coming. You know when he's coming because he's got the jets. All right, you hear a shh-shh. That's how you know Tom's about to come. Oh boy, he's got jets. By the way, I pulled out my phone to drunk-dial Tom the other night, and my friends were

astonished that he actually does have the airplane emoji next to his name in my context. Completely mandatory. I'm trying to get him to put it in his Twitter bio. A, Peter Willis chant, B, the gray cock, C, the wee wee man, or D, Dick O' the cow? I'm going to say Dick O' the cow. I'm going to say Peter Willis chant. Peter Willis chant. Oh.

It's the fake one. Okay. The final question, all real or all fake. Old English or Scottish ballads. A. The Jew's Daughter. B. Dives in Lazarus. C. Rob Roy. Or D. The Ballad of Chevy Chase. I'm going to say real.

I'm going to say fake. And I think you tipped your hand with the Jew thing right out of the gate. Got to hide that in the middle. Those are all real. Rob Roy is real. The Jew's daughter. This is a bit of an all real or all fake. You've got to put the craziest ones at the end.

And Rob Roy is too realistic sounding. That kind of tips it off. Yeah, Cornelius Crane Chase was the given nickname of Chevy after this ballad. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. You like that? Yeah. Well, thank you. The Jew's daughter. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. How do you like that? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, thank you. I love you as daughter. Her hair gets frizzy in the humidity. I just know what songs I want to work out to now, basically, is what I've learned from this. That was what you're

following this week. Daddy, they conquered our clan. Daddy, they burned down our barley fields. What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to fuck Longshank's son. I'm going to fuck so many moors. Just more moors. Oh my god, just her fucking twat teaming with Pete. Her twat is nice and loamy.

This got a little salty for me. I'm trying to do something with pubes and famine walls, but it's not coming. And it's also the wrong country. Yes, that's what's wrong with that. The show is so smart, so dumb. Yeah, it's a smart show for people with dumb taste. That might be how I said your point. The show is like you threw a brick through a stained glass window and you're just throwing

puppies on the shards. It's something beautiful to a nonsense, terrible purpose. Sneak preview of the Mean Boys' first arthouse film. Let's open up the mailbag. You've got mean. This week, we asked people to send us the would you rather scenario. So, at Fanny Craft Center writes, would you rather be super handsome or super funny? Parentheses, you can only be one, unlike you are now.

Oh, correction, Fanny. We can do more than one. All right, well, that's the show for this week. Follow Joe to the car and kill him. I mean, I don't know. I'm living with super funny as opposed to super handsome. It's working out pretty well so far. Yeah, I'm going to go super funny.

No, you can't. You can lose handsome. Handsome can go away. Funny can get you paid, and then money makes you handsome. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Would you rather masturbate with your mother's underwear or your father's Vaseline? Well, that's just...

I mean, you're not going to buy two things of Vaseline. Like, what are you, the fucking... I don't think my dad jerks off anymore so i'm gonna say he's vaseline because that's just going on his crusty heels yeah but i think jerking off with vaseline sounds so gross to me yeah that sounds pretty gross but i mean my mom's panties that's a whole layer of psychological you don't gotta think about whose panties they are keith you of all people should be opposed to using your mother's panties for this well yeah they're gross but like your mom seems clean because yeah to get to get your mother's panties for this. Well, yeah, they're gross, but your mom seems clean. Because to get your mom's panties,

you need the whole fucking E.T. swap, fucking plastic house apparatus and some pair of titanium tongs. What, mine? No, they're always just dripping off the side of Oscar the Grouch's trash can. How do you have to grab Keith's mom's panties like a fucking astronaut,

like repairing the outside of the shuttle? That's what the movie Gravity was about. Can someone please mash up them looking at the monument on the moon in 2001 A Space Odyssey, but it's just a dirty underwear? I tried to go through Mayor Keith's mom's panties, but I underwent explosive decompression. I'll go with that. From the snatch germs. Oh, Andrew Space Clay.

I'm going to say that There's a baby in a bubble or whatever How is it not asteroid dice clay? That's way better There's a black thing coming out of the moon When's its food stamps coming? Da da da da This is sophomore

Alright, this one's from my girlfriend, writes, at Taylor Stigner. Watch all of Gossip Girl or be sober for three months. Well, sober's just fine. Yeah, that's kind of a moot one for old Joe. How many seasons of Gossip Girl are there? Too many, I think. I don't know. I feel like...

None of us are particularly drug-dependent. Yeah, we're lame as fuck, so loophole. Yeah, dude. We write Glenn Gary Glenn Ross parodies. What makes you think we're out here getting trashed? Yeah. We're achieving shit. Yeah, so I'll take some...

I'll take some variety, but I might watch an episode of fucking Gossip Girl anyway just to see what the hullabaloo is about. Yeah. Well, I mean, as long as I can watch Gossip Girl with my friends, I mean, I think it's... Oh, I'll be there. Would you rather... All right, this is clearly a question for me. Would you rather eat Jell-O out of Keith's folds or Joe's ass?

Go on. That is Joe's ass by a wide margin. Oh, man. Yeah, bro. I mean, it's just... Oh, this is... Here's the thing. What's up in there, guy?

This is going to blow up on you, McSpadden. The fact that you think that Joe's asshole is not... Just like a... Like a... Very clean. I don't know asshole is not just like a very clean. I don't know. Bro, it only gets so clean. Yeah, man. Well, here's the thing.

Even Joe thinks you're making the wrong movie. You're a fool. I guess you do eat a lot of lentils. All right. I may rethink this. Can Keith shout? But I'm thinking about the folds and so much of it is going to crumble out. Yeah, so you don't have to eat as much. Well, no, I'm going to have to eat.

I'm going to have to lick it out of the different folds, the subfolds. First of all, there's not that many. I'm not that kind of fat guy. I have, like, one fold. Yeah. Keith is a very handsome boy, and I don't care for all the hate speech he gets. I get it. I'm foldy, and I fuck.

Like, I'm fine. I'm comfortable in my physicality. Eat out of my body, you fucking face. You don't have fault. You said like a fault line. Eat out of my body, you fucking face. The San Andreas fucking belt.

Eating Jell-O out of Keith, it'd be like having a vision of what's going to happen to California. I've seen the end. Well, maybe I just feel like I owe Joe one, all right? Well, that's fair, but not with Jell-O. You're going to poke your eyes out on my fucking gluteal sharp bones.

Your butt is just knives. Yeah. When guys fuck me, they have suicide girl star tattoos on their pussy just because they're stabbing. All right. I will go out of heat. I was chemotherapy, Mom. Would you rather have sex

with Ayn Rand or Virginia Woolf? Writes at Shawnee Delirious. God damn it. I don't know what either of them look like, so I couldn't say. Well, Ayn Rand is fucking hideous. She's exactly as ugly as her spirit. Well, isn't she still alive?

No. Ayn Rand? No. She died in, ugly as her spirit. Well, isn't she still alive? No. Ayn Rand? Yeah. She died in, like, 2000. I'm looking them both up. Yeah. Okay, we'll move on. Would you rather fight...

This is a classic question. One horse-sized duck or ten duck-sized horses? Ten duck-sized horses. Ten duck-sized horses. Do we have to fuck them? Fight them. Okay. Okay, but hang on.

New game? Yeah, new one. A duck-sized horse or ten duck-sized horses? I'm fucking... I'm fucking the horse-sized duck. I'm looking at an Ayn Rand. Yeah, I'm going to say that. Bad news. Wait, let me see.

I'm going to go with horse-sized duck. Fucking horses are mean. Ooh. You know what she looks like? She looks like, you know that girl on Mad Men who was kind of hot but also kind of fucked up looking? Peggy, yeah. Yeah, she looks like that, but just like she really doubled down on fucked up looking.

Oh, she really does. That might be the bro-iest thing I've ever said. She looks like a grown-up scary movie twin. Virginia Woolf? Oh, Virginia Woolf is kind of banging. Let me see. That's a drug. Okay, banging is a strong term.

Actually, I'm kind of leaning towards Ayn Rand, just on the... She has some character to her. Oh, no, but dude, the fucking sunken cheekbones she's got that weird like bird face she looks like she'd be like hot in like the 1700s you know like because there's just no yeah no i'm going ayn rand because i feel like ayn rand fucks like a beast well it's also just like everyone says that like dolly madison was super hot and then you see a painting and you're like oh okay we've come a long way all right on. Would you rather have your mom walking on you masturbating or walking on your mom masturbating?

Ooh. Keith. Not the correct sound. Ooh. Oh, that wasn't Keith. I think we've all had our parents walking on us masturbating, and it's, you know, it's fucking cool. I don't think I've ever gotten caught doing that.

It's, you know, it's... Really? Well, I'm an only child, so it's it's dealable i mean this is one of my first bits i did a did i accidentally see my mom's sex tape once though oh my oh yeah that story what what disney movie case was this tape in it was a computer situation and i accidentally i was like what's going on in here and i accidentally hit play and then i was like i sure wish you'd pause now and that was when the computer decided to freeze. I just had to kind of leave the room. Yeah.

Yeah, Keith, you're like a gritty reboot of an American Pie movie. Yeah, so I guess have my mom catch me jerking off just so I can complete the tragedy fucking deck. Just so you can bring back the Antichrist. I pictured an actual tape in your scenario. Oh, we couldn't afford that kind of technology. Yeah, I go mom walk on me and jerk off on the... Yeah.

Alright, would you rather 5150 Tom Goss or have Tom teach you Spanish? Tom teaches me Spanish more than anything in the world. Oh yeah, I would pay good money for that. That sounds fantastic. When they do time, it's like the hours of people. Donde es the thing? Would you rather know the exact date you'll die but don't know how or know how you'll die but no date?

Oh, my God. That's a brutal question. See, I feel like how? I don't want to know the fucking time, you know? No. I feel like I'd want to know how. I'd rather know method, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, because like date, it's just going to be a, it's only going to turn into like a weird, like, you know, a fucking asymptote of debauchery. Yeah. This reminded me, I watched the,

we watched the Final Destination movie, the first one at a Halloween party the other day, and I realized all those movies, the plot of all those movies could be described as some people didn't die. And then they did. Would you rather be mute or speak every single word you have ever thought out loud? We're not that far off.

Yeah. I mean, what are we holding back? There's not a lot of, yeah, I'm pretty much like strip mind of my fucking subconscious for this podcast. I'm not really terrified about... We live in the mouth of madness.

Well, yeah. Around week six, we're like, I don't know if we can do this every week. And here it is, week 38. Christ, that up like week does us a lot. And it's just like, oh, okay. It wasn't that it wasn't there. It's just that you had to mine deeper.

Yep. I'd say I had that one. Would you rather have eternally sticky hands or eternally smelly breath? How sticky? Keith, which one. Would you rather have eternally sticky hands or eternally smelly breath? How sticky? Keith, which one would you not want to have? I'm thinking like flypaper sticky, you know, like where you're hanging up and it gets the bugs. Like that sticky.

I heard that, by the way. I know. I didn't feel good about it. That's pretty funny. I'm going to... Yeah, the breath is tough because, I mean mean It's hard to fuck with sticky hands It's harder to fuck with smelly breath, I feel like Breath would be tough, but if you don't do the hands

I'd probably go with hands Because then you could just never touch anyone ever again And die of no laughing Well, I could also wear gloves, right? Yeah Bada bing, bada boom They can't wear mouth gloves Yeah, I'll go with sticky hands

You can't wear mouth gloves Thank you, Tom Oh, God, he's haunting us At Mildog underscore 79 writes, My favorite is, Would you rather have a dick-sized nipple or a nipple-sized dick? Dick-sized nipple, bro. Just hilarious hanging nipples.

That'd be the funniest thing. It bums me out that's not a real malady. How big a dick? Well, I mean... Oh, just your standard dick. Oh, man. That's a big nipple. Standard-issued government dick.

Yeah. I was hoping to loophole this. I wish that'd be a thing. That'd be really cool. Like, in a world where micropenises exist, I wish dick nipples existed. I had this thought the other day. Like, do we have to call it micropenis? That's the most brutal...

Can we just call it, like, karate syndrome? Like, do we have to make it, like, such an outright bummer? Dick nipples is opening as competition for Dance Slammers. I'm going Dick Nipples as well. The other day I was thinking that, because I wanted to be a cartoonist when I was a kid, but I just can't draw for shit. The other day I was thinking if I could draw right now, I would draw a spider with dick legs, and I would make a cartoon of him making webs out of cum from his dick legs.

Fans, get on it. This is the high satire that Joe dreams up. I wish I could do a picture of Obama signing NAFTA, but the pen is actually an eagle, and he just broke his foot. And it's like, no, okay, what if dicks were part of animals, and then they used the cum to do tasks? So you get it. The cum's like the other thing. And finally, Funtick8 writes, would you rather have Tom Goss as president or be stuck in a foreign country with Tom Goss as your only translator?

Oh, my God. Oh, either one is rough. That would be enraging. Yeah. Tom as president. I don't know. We're going to war with the concept of socks. I imagine Tom trying to guide you through an airport in English.

Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. The loud, yelly, fucking wraparound Mexican said some stuff. He's like at the other end of the terminal. Hey, Joe, I'm down here. Don't talk about bombs or nothing. The super not into it.

I'm going to go. Oh, man, this is the hardest one so far. Yeah, as I saved her for last. Oh, fuck. Because I feel like Tom is a translator for sure gets you killed. Tom is the president. I feel like Because I feel like Tom as a translator for sure gets you killed. Tom as the president. But I feel like you can bail on Tom as a translator.

Like, whereas you can't. Oh, no, you're stuck with him. You're stuck with him. He's the only one that knows the language and without that you're... But I think you can work around it.

You know what I mean? Like, you can just common sense him into asking the right questions. Whereas the president one, you really have no sway over. I'm going Tom as president because then I get to

find out about aliens in, like, a very patchy explanation. Yeah, but then some alien first contact will be Tom. Ooh, yeah. Well, that means they'll leave us alone for a while, and I feel like we need a couple more thousand years to develop. Yeah, I think that's fair. I'm going to go president Tom. I'm going translator.

Give me a TP Blueprint, so whatever. TP Blueprints. That's the mailbag for this week. Do we have any plugs, gentlemen? Yeah. What do you pull up, man? For me, just watch the new episode of The Burn Booth with myself and Mr. Keith Carey. It comes out on Halloween.

We roasted some people at the Long Beach Zombie Fest, and it was a good time had by all, so go check that out. October 25th, come to the four-year anniversary of Warp Zone at the Virgil and Silver Lake. Then come to the roast battle and see me and Kim Congdon fighting it out. October 25th, come to the four-year anniversary of Warp Zone at the Virgil and Silver Lake, and then come to the roast battle and see me and Kim Congdon fighting it out, and we can actually announce this now. I will be filming the Screen Junkies roast of Harry Potter on Thursday, October 27th, as will

Mr. Conor McSpadden. And tweet us your best guesses as to who we're playing. Yeah, I think you'll be able to figure it out. If you go to ScreenJunkies.com, check out the little link. They have tickets still available to see the live taping, so if you're in the area and you want to check it out, hit that you'll be able to figure it out. If you go to ScreenJunkies.com, check out the little link. They have tickets still available to see the live taping. So if you're in the area and you want to check it out, hit that up. I had to do robe measurements. On Tuesday, I will be on Historical Roast, roasting a famous dictator.

So, hey, right up our alley. Also, on Wednesday the 26th, I will be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory. And then later that night, I will be on Comedy Juice, the Hollywood Improv with Gerard Carmichael. So that should be fun. Fantastic. Alright, boys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Destroy the soul. I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm