Mean Boys - EP 39 - Fruit Genocide (feat. Tom Goss & Kayla Rosenberg)

Episode Date: November 22, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s guests are Tom Goss and Kayla Rosenberg. Our segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Planned Parenthood”, “Tom Tompardy”, “Taco Monster”, “A Funeral for Rhubarb Rudy”, “Going Straight” and a game of “Which of the Following” with torture devices by Caitlin Massey. Follow the show on Twitter twitter.com/meanboyspodcast and email us [e-mail]. Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Donate to Planned Parenthood (http://ppaction.org/donate) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. We are gathered here today to pay our respects and honor to the memory of Rhubarb Rudy. I never thought I'd miss him. I still don't.

He is survived by his loving common law domestic partner, Rutabaga Roger. The corral just feels so big and empty without him. Even though he is not with us physically, his spirits live on in all of us. Karnak, we could still traverse the dark dimensional roads of pain and visit Rhubarb Rudy in hell, right? Blithering earth fool! His heart was as pure as the bloodline of the skeleton prince. He is lost to the cold embrace of heaven, and I never got to tell him how I truly feel!

We can take comfort in the fact that he died doing what he loved, getting poisoned by licking the envelopes of his weekly Just Because thank you notes. Hey, Fartmeister, wasn't that a major plot point on one of the later seasons of Seinfeld? Ha ha, man, Joe really did write all the good sketches. Grief, grief, grief. Before we met Rudy, we never knew that a flimsy idea based around a dumb old vegetable,

alliteration, and annoying positivity could mean so much to us. Boss, are you okay? He had a heart so big and warm I wanted to make ill-advised sexual advances towards it. I swear to fucking God, kid, we're setting a memorial table for Rudy at Kalani's, and the first disrespectful retard to sit in it is going to get my special edition Blu-ray of the Departed lodged in his dumb New York shitpipe. I know everybody must be wondering what the iconic character Taco Monster is feeling at a time like this, and I'm going to miss you, Rudy!

I was your biggest fan. But Rudy lives on. And live from historic Filipino town, it's the Mean Boys Podcast. It's the Mean Boys Podcast, starring Connor McSpadden, Keith Carey, featuring Tom Goss,

jokes about retards, Connor's overuse of the word cunt, Keith Carey featuring Tom Goss. Jokes about retards. Connors overuse of the word cunt. Kenan Thompson. A weird commercial for a taco place in San Diego. ISIS probably. Musical guest Keith's heavy breathing. And your hosts, Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast.

The Bible Belt is now wrapped firmly around our necks. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm... Arts and Crafts Hitler Youth. I'm making some swastikas out of popsicle sticks. Popsikas. Hey yo, for real though, you want some lanyards with pink triangles on them? It doesn't really have jokes, just copies of anti-jew literature on the stick yeah yeah you know just fun facts like a snapple cap of uh you

know fucking uh uh what's what the god damn it what's the thing no no what's the thing where you uh don't act like we don't know what anti-semitism it's not anti-semitism it's like uh the thing about what the superior eugenics yes how did it That's the longest it's ever taken me to some of the word eugenics. Well, we're back with a fucking vengeance. Yeah. I have like a word of the day calendar, and that is it every day. Oh, man. It's going to be back.

Everybody with the Mean Boys podcast. We are joined today by our good friend and ward of the state, Tom Goss. I'm Wardy. Now the host of his own podcast on the Bad Audio Network, The Don't Think Tank, which I know a lot of you have checked out and enjoyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check out the next episode where I lose complete control. Yeah, Tom had maybe the only three people in the universe

that could rival his own just blunt force, just volume and stupidity. And I watched one of them drink an entire bottle of whiskey before they recorded two hours late. So it's going to be a real weird one. And a man who produced no less than two beers out of the pockets of his leisure suit. So it's going to be pretty good. You guys left before the drugs.

Okay, I didn't know that was happening in our house. I don't know and I don't want to know. You guys, let's get into the goddamn Mexican joke-off. It's a topical. Yeah, I'm taking the fucking sad suburban mom approach on that. It's like, I don't want to go. As long as I got home safe. If you're going to do heroin, I prefer you

do it in our house. I mean, that's what this was designed for. This house was probably heroin. Yeah, this is a heroin dump just full of losers. People that aren't cool enough. I'm where they baked it. That's meth. Never mind. All right. You don't bake heroin. I'm where they baked it. That's meth. Never mind. I lost.

All right. Continue. They baked what? You don't bake heroin. You bake meth. You get your heroin pin out. Roll it flat. You cut it in fun Christmas shapes. You bake meth, right?

You cook meth. You don't bake it. Worn oven mitt's a big part of Breaking Bad. Like, I'm a... Well, yeah. Cooking involves heat as well. Tom, you want to take us away on the Mexican joke after? Aye, so topical.

Sure. Burmese man killed three children during exorcisms, or as he calls it, Southeast Asia hide-and-go-seek. Jesus. Good Lord. Good to be back, everybody. A 14-year-old boy who was involved in the murder of a pizza delivery driver will face sentencing next week.

His legal counsel has informed that he will receive 30 years or less or his representation is free. I liked it. Canada's immigration website has repeatedly crashed after experiencing heavy traffic in the wake of Donald Trump's presidential victory. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said in a statement, quote, new country, who dis? McDonald's is starting to start a modern sit-down style of restaurant dining saying yeah we've ran out of enough clients that can still stand i've never heard someone like fumble so many words and still have a joke across coherence you flubbered that fucking joke in a big bad way like if that joke was like a dance dance

revolution song it would just be like bad bad, bad, okay, bad, good. That's what's sad about my stand-up, is I just have to plan for like, alright, it's supposed to be two minutes, but it's going to be three minutes because I keep stammering like that. I have to plan it. Your voice is always losing at Guitar Hero. It's like, clink, patong, clink, clonk. You're losing the crowd. An undercover cop in Ohio has arrested a woman who is soliciting him for sex in exchange

for $50 and a plate of nachos. In response to the news, Keith's mother said, even for me, that's a bit much. All right. A travel blog is named

Chicago's Newport Bar and Grill, the worst bar in America. In related news, Connor McSpadden will be headlining at Chicago's Newport Bar and Grill this weekend

through whenever he finally shoots himself in a cheap motel room. All right. That's going up with the Raptors shoots himself in a cheap motel room. All right. That's going up with the Raptors. That's a joke. I've caught her. Trump has declined his presidential salary, stating your money's no good here.

No, really. It's worthless. There's a bunch of lovers on it. Oh, no. That's the first appearance Of the Jamar button in a while Oh boy It was Trump

But it was So not though Look I just channel the thoughts of the man Alright You're just a conduit through which the racism flows I'm like one of those crystal balls for politicians Yeah Anyway a play gunner in New York Dedicated to the late Beastie Boy MCA conduit through which the racism flows. I'm like one of those crystal balls for politicians. Yeah.

Anyway, a playground in New York dedicated to the late Beastie Boy MCA has been defaced with swastikas. Authorities are still unsure of who is behind the sabotage. Mexican showdown. Okay. A playground in New York dedicated to MCA of the Beastie Boys was vandalized with swastikas. Residents are calling the graffiti anti-Semitic, bad and scary. Bad and scary, anti-Semitic. Well, I mean, you know, they're saying that they've got to fight for their right to sharp.

Oh, man. Neighborhood watch leader Paul Revere was unavailable for coverage. Although he did say we're worried about all these brass monkeys coming into our neighborhood. Oh my god. Paul's boutique remains undamaged.

Lootings at Paul's boutique. Muslims may have to register for a license to ill. Another unarmed black teenager ill in the streets. Oh my god Alright well show's over Pack it up

Yeah There's no No sleep till deportation On that joke fella Nope Don't even try and do that Not a good one at all That was bad

Very bad Yeah I'm just riffing Well you shouldn't Yeah no This one was written though The World Health Organization Has claimed Zika Is no longer an epidemic

But you can still get it So don't get a big head about it. You fucking moron. I hate you so much. That was very good. I don't like the way you delivered that punchline like an autistic child that saw a magic trick. The card was inside me all along. Oh, God. Argentina is gearing up to exterminate the country's overblown beaver population. Secretary of Animal Control Dice Clay sent in a statement,

Smashing 100,000 beavers is what I do on a slow weekend. Oh! Oh, good. Dice is back. Never left. A Los Angeles man was arrested after attacking a woman with a hammer. Tom Goss is calling it one of his least successful Tinder dates ever. By the way, I had to move Tom's car the other day,

so I had to sneak in his room while he was sleeping and find his car keys. And you realize that most of his furniture is whiskey. You live like the worst human, but the coolest raccoon. Oh, my friends drank all my furniture yesterday. Drink all my things. Yo, it was a raging party We must have drank like three couches Just like swords, whiskey

Empty crystal light and cigarette boxes Sledgehammer Assorted laundry and dirty rags And a mini fridge Got the mini fridge Oh classy Yeah how much is the Toblerone if you take it out of there Toblerone?

Let's just move on. We're not explaining to you what special... I don't have the hour and a half to take to explain to Tom what a Toblerone is. I had Toblerone one time. It was really good. Yeah, it's that movie where Doc Holliday gets shot or whatever. Wasn't there some scandal or something

about that shot? Yeah, he said, I'm your huckleberry. I couldn't taste the huckleberry. What Toblerone scandal could you possibly be? I don't know. All those hot-button Toblerone scandals dividing America right now. I've been reading too many English news websites, and they're upset about something with Toblerone. That's for sure.

Are you thinking of Brexit? You are for sure mispronouncing the name of some prime minister in East Europe. Brexit's that candy bar that's like four candy bars and you break it apart. Yeah, it always creeps me out when people eat them in one bite and not individually. Yeah. Well, on that subject, a Fox News article is claiming Trump should get a Nobel Peace Prize for his negotiations with Mexico. It also claimed Brexit should get a fewer people for participation trophy and Hitler's oven should receive A's from the health inspector. Okay. I fumbled

too much. Yeah, most of that sounds like somebody eating a hot bowl of soup. Tom, why is your tongue always falling down the stairs? Can you explain this to me? Your tongue is always walking to the bathroom in the dark every time you say anything.

Listening to you talk is like listening to the radio when you're driving through county lines. Oh, the stations are starting to go out. But you're like, okay, I think that's still smash mouth a little bit. All right, yeah, I'm pretty sure there's some kind of weird real estate scam ad going on in there. Hey, parents, if you want your kids to be hilarious, just hit them in the head a bunch. Well, you heard it here first. A Massachusetts man has received three years in jail after trying to set his ex-girlfriend's on house using a bag of cheese puffs as kindling. His estranged lover said in a report to the police, I've heard of flaming hot Cheetos, but this is ridiculous. Like, nah, though.

He tried to use Cheetos to set her house on fire. And finally, a mall in Buffalo is setting aside time for children with special needs to visit Santa. Based on what he's been asked for the most, Santa says 2016's hottest Christmas toy is not being retarded anymore. Alternative punchline, a song has been written about this holiday miracle entitled The Little Dumber Boy. I'll eat these sticks for you. I glued my hand to my face. Please call the fire guys. I pet this cat too hard. Now he's really mad.

I fed my bird to it. Then I ate the cat. I ate the cat. Tom, what are you talking about? A Trisomy 1 fucking sadness pet derducken? Oh, no. Does Trisomy 21 sadness pet derducken fit as an episode title?

We're going to keep looking. See if we can top it. Alright, well that is the Mexican joke off, and we are back in evil as ever. We'll be right back after some bullshit. Hola, everybody. It's me, the Taco Monster. I can't stay long. The immigration police are after me because I'm un-guac-umented,

but I just wanted to ask all of you to do me a flavor. If you're in the San Diego area, go to Don Carlos Taco Shop, proud sponsors of the Mean Boys podcast. They have the best Mexican food in the entire country, and I'm not just blowing smoke up their asada. Go to iteberrito.com for more information, and tell them the Mean Boys sent you. Hey, it's the taco monster. Get him!

Chili Rie, oh no! I guess I gotta run. Catch you, Langua! Hello. I'm Eleanor Mulligan, Public Relations Director for Planned Parenthood of North America. As you are all aware, this month's election results were catastrophic for the reproductive rights of women in this country. Our president-elect has stated he intends to overturn Roe v. Wade, and between the Republican majority in the House and Senate and his impending Supreme Court appointment, we here at Planned Parenthood have no doubt that legislation will soon be passed to restrict our services. Planned Parenthood provides low-cost birth control and medical care to millions of women, and

sadly, the puritanical views of the new administration put all those women at risk. With that in mind, Planned Parenthood would like to announce its intention to secede from the United States. We have spent decades supporting women while this country does its absolute best

to punish them for having vaginas. Beautiful vaginas! And frankly, we are fucking done. We are done being relegated to sex toys and surrogate mothers as you convince yourselves that the dirty flesh slug between your legs gives you superiority over us. We are done pretending we give a shit about Marvel movies. They are all the same story. Once upon a time, there

was an angry space cloud or something, and nobody could save the day except for the mildly charming white man. Riveting! We will be slaves no more to the star-spangled flag, poking us in the back like so many unwarranted boners

when we just wanted to get some sleep. We intend to start a sovereign nation by women, for women. Basically that island Wonder Woman is from, but with more sweaters. We have quietly built up an artillery force to be reckoned with, and will establish the new nation of Fallopia through force if necessary, a method we learned from watching you. Our intention is to take over the plot of land currently known as Rhode Island. Storm your land, slaughtering all cursed carriers of the Y-chromosome. Only a handful will be spared. Taken to the high temple of the new world, the Clitadel Fortress. There they will enter their new lives as servants and breeding partners,

as we usher in one true matriarchy. Don't like it? Enjoy being a fucking eunuch! The armies of men may come for our land. I say let them. We will destroy their feeble exposed genitals with speculums and mammogram machines. Every implement of women's health becomes a medieval

torture weapon when applied to the feeble dangling scrotums of the sons of Adam. The warrior queens of New Amazonia shall fire arrows dipped in estrogen into the oncoming battalions. Those who are not killed will pray for death as they are driven to madness

spending countless nights craving peanut butter and tuna fish and tearfully asking their brothers-in-arms why they never talk anymore. Our power is growing and our rage is at a rolling boil. Support the revolution and be spared our wrath.

Go to plannedparenthood.com and sign up for a recurring donation in the name of the goddesses of Fallopia. And heed this warning, Chancellor Trump. You wish to grab these pussies? I dare you. Come and claim them! Join me here every Sunday. This week we talk about Trump on 60 Minutes, Obama's approval rating, the presidential appointments. We even play a spirited game of Donald Trump or Muammar Gaddafi. Who said it? Please give us a try. I'm tired

of feigning this much enthusiasm. Thanks. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. We are getting into a game that is a fan favorite already, even though we played it very recently. We're going to be playing a game of Tom Tomperty with our good friend Tom Goss. We are joined by another contestant. You just heard her on the last sketch.

Kayla Rosenberg, hilarious comedian and creator of the Child Therapy web series. Hey, Kayla. Hey, thanks for that little plug. Yeah, no problem. That's what we do. Professional radio. Now prepare for your brain to bleed. So, Kayla, you've heard the Tom Tomperty episode,

right? Yes, I have. Okay, for any new listeners, first of all, how is this where you started? Second of all, Tom G uh has a broken brain uh and comes up with insane definitions of common words and phrases uh we used to play a game called tom lightning round where we would ask him to describe things and we will again and we will at some point for sure but for now we have flipped the script we flip the script so he has a jeopardy style uh board full of nonsense and we're going to try and figure out what the fuck

tom is talking yeah he's going to give us his definition and we've got to divine the unholy meaning of his drivel anyway. Connor, are you keeping score? I'll be keeping score, yes. I'm the banker. I'm Tom and this is Tom Tomperty. You guys ready for your categories? What are our categories, Tom?

Said the man in a softball shirt with a half-smoked cigarette behind his ear and a blonde mohawk as he held a composition notebook that is damp as it is unsettling. It was pink, but it got washed out. That looks like one of the notebooks from the opening credits of Seven. All right, now let's begin the basketball diaries of idiocy. The categories today are food, politics, tragedies, and movies. Okay.

Well, he's now holding it up on his forehead like the game in Inglourious Bastards. Okay. Alright. Since Kayla's the guest, should she go first? I think so. Okay, cool. I'm gonna go tragedies

for 100. Tragedies for 100. Wizard pilots. 9gedies for 100. Wizard pilots. 9-11. No. Kamikazes. No. They're real tragedies.

Am I right? Yeah, it goes to you. Reviewed reference now. Oh, okay. In my head, they're real tragedies. I don't know. I literally am so confused. All right, Tom.

That was the Malaysian Airlines. What the fuck? Because they disappeared. Oh, God. They made the plane disappear. They sure did. Okay. Well, Kayla retains control of the board.

No points. How did this happen? That's what they said. That was the 100, by the way. Oh, God. Oh, good. I'd like to remind you that last time, the final Jeopardy clue was,

we blame the slaves, and the answer was, Jews control the weather. So if you're not doing super great, don't take it too hard on yourself. All right, okay. If you're losing, it means therapy's working. Anyway.

I should make those shirts. I would wear that shirt. I will have... Give me food for 100. Food for 100. No foods. And once again, it's first raise rate. Citrus genocide.

Orange juice. Points. Shit! I knew that one! Keith controls the board. Let's go tragedies for 200. Tragedies for 200. Baking Party.

What is the Holocaust? The Holocaust. Points. Fucking Keith. Don't do it. Tragedies for 300. Tragedies for 300. World's Worst Backseat Driver.

9-11. 9-11 is correct. Suck it. I'll go tragedies for four. Tragedies for 400. We get swords and we're dying. Also, double jeopardy. Wait, was I supposed to...

All right, I am transferring the double jeopardy because I fucked that up. Okay. Okay. Yeah, we get swords and we're dying. Not seeing any hands. We lose. What is it? You guys all?

Okay. The Black Plague. Oh, what? Hey, what? Swords? What does swords have to do with that at all? They all had swords. Do you mean sores? What does swords have to do with that at all? They all had swords. Do you mean sores?

No, swords. It's because it was the 1300s, I think. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. God damn it, Tom. You didn't get the Black Plague from swords. You got it from rats and infected green. I didn't say that they got it from swords. We get swords and we die.

All right. Connor has control of the board. Not because we have swords. All right. Well, I'm going to take Tom shut up for right now, and then I'm going to go food for 200. Food for 200. We've been cool since the 70s restaurants. Chili's?

No. Is that not a... What? Denny's. Diners. Oh, okay. All right. We'll give it to him.

All right. Fuck you. Why are you mad, Doug? I'll take movies for 100. Movies for 100. This boat sucks, but let's fuck. Titanic. Points.

God damn it. I knew that one. Movies for two. Movies for 200. Big scary lizards. Jurassic Park. Points. God damn it. Movies for two. Movies for 200. Big Scary Lizards. Jurassic Park. Points. God, man.

Movies for three. I'm Really Rich and Save Shit. Iron Man. No. Pursuit of Happiness. No. No, what? That's the opposite of what that's about.

Oh, then that's a bad guess for the Tom fucking definition. Batman? Points. Yes! Good point. I bad guess for the Tom fucking definition. Batman? Good point. Yes! Good point. I knew it was Batman or Iron Man. That was 300, right? Yeah.

Yes. Okay, me and Kayla tied up. Keith's in the lead. All right, what number are we on for movies? Four. Ooh, okay, I'll do that. All right, double Tomperty. Ooh!

So how does this work? The way Tom held his finger in the air and then asked the rules. I like that you insist on having a double Jeopard then asked the rules You don't know what it is You guys told me to last time She can wager But she can double You can wager as much as you have $300 You can wager $0 to $300

And then you'll get that much But you lose it if you get it wrong So do you want to wager? How much do you want to wager? How much do you want to wager? How about 200? Waging 200. Nihilist Gay Club. Fight Club? Points!

Damn, alright. Kayla jumps into a fucking strong second place. Oh, hell yeah, bitch! And she controls the board. Bitch! I like how none of us have touched politics yet. Okay, what's... 100 politics? 100 politics.

President Grapefruit. Donald Trump. Yeah. Oh my god. 100. What's left? So, 2 through 400 on politics. And then... four for food.

I'll take food for three. Droop bread. Fuck. Oh, goddammit. Naan. No. Okay. Matzah? No. Tortilla? No. But you weredammit. Non. No. Okay. Matzah?

No. Tortilla? No. But you were the closest. Pancakes. Oh. I like tortillas the closest. Yeah, but a pancake really is just a breakfast tortilla. I'll take food for four.

Food for 400. Upper middle class soda. Oh, La Croix. What? Oh, it's a kind of soda. Oh, um, La Croix. What? Oh, it's a kind of soda. No. Are you saying the La Croix,

like the Pomplum and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sparkling water? Yes, Pellegrino. Points. Damn, girl. I'm stupid because La Croix is a kind of

sparkling water and I couldn't... I had no idea what that was. We're like the AT&T bars of mental illness. Kayla, you have the board. Can you hear the voices in your head now? Good.

That's Verizon. Fuck it. Is it? I can't know. Which? How many are left? Two for politics. Two for politics. Alright. Let's hang out and rule shit. Congress? No. right um let's hang out and rule shit congress no uh uh the senate no uh a political party is united nations oh oh god These are real bad. All right. Okay. We're three. Are you guys really that?

Okay. Don't chastise us for being healthy. Mr. Cowboy Boss. George W. Bush? No. What? Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan is correct.

God damn it. I think they both work. Tom Pity for four. I actually wrote the answer, but I think it was land votes. I don't even know. The popular vote? No. The Electoral College.

The Electoral College is correct. How? Because it's like the states are voting. Oh, okay. Thank you, Keith. My God, I've cracked the code. I got too much sleep last night to win at this game. Is there a final top of the...

Should we go to the scores before we do that, though? All right. So Connor has 300. Kayla has 900. And Keith has 1,600. Holy shit! All right. So you guys are supposed to write something down or something?

All right. I'm wagering everything. Surprise. Okay. I will wager 300 as well. I'll wager it all. Okay. All right.

Cool. Cool. So. What's the category? Oh. Category is culture. Oh, good. And the hint is sacrifice the mule for food.

And we write down our answer, right? Yes. It's culture and the... Sacrifice the mule for food? Mm-hmm. That's not even how it goes. Just don't Stand by me. Tom is dumb.

He's a dumb man. He's so stupid. He's a fucking cunt. And he's a test. And he's a piece of shit. I'm winning my guess. Alright, well I have my incorrect guess. All right. Well, I have my incorrect guess. I have mine as well.

Kayla? Why do I have to go first? Okay, fine. I'll go first. What is the Grand Canyon? No. What? What is Satanism?

No. I was thinking it was this most recent election. Is that not? No. No. Watch it be Cheerios or something. It was a pinata. What my god no it's correct it's all right so keith wins and the listening audience loses i think

hooray slash i'm so sorry that i went to college well yeah at least you didn't go to Landvote College. Hey, I'm happy I didn't go to college. So are we. All right, the B-Boys will be right back. Also didn't finish high school. Gwong! Hey, everybody, it's Tom Goss,

and I got a podcast on the Bad Audio Network called the We Don't Think Tank. This week I had Felicia Foulkes, Keith Ray, and Tim Groeschel. It was complete insanity. Please enjoy the show and come check it out on the Bad Audio Network. It's a lot of fun. Alright, thanks. Are we almost there?

Yeah. Yeah, we are. Oh man, I can't wait. I want to go to Mr. Toad's Wild Ride first. Oh, no, maybe Splash Mountain. Oh, no, the Matterhorn. Oh, I can't decide. We're here. What is this?

Camp Redemption. You said we were going to Disneyland. Yeah, I lied. This is a place where they can use the power of prayer and science to make you, um, normal. What are you talking about? I don't want to go to this camp. I wanted to go to theater camp. Yeah, see, that's the problem.

All right, out you go. Love you, son. Don't come home until you're not sucking dicks. Aw, rats. Coming this summer. All right, you little brats. Welcome to Camp Redemption. We're gonna pray the queer right out of you little fairies.

When you're done with that, maybe you can ask God to help you with those cankles. Oh, girl. Damn. That's it, Jimmy. You just sassed your way into an afternoon in the reflection tent with Pastor Ted. Don't threaten me with a good time. They're here, they're queer, and they're having the time of their lives.

Alright, it's time for group conversion therapy. We'll go around the circle and all of you will confess your wickedness so that God may begin purifying your little hearts. Let's start with you, Tom. My name is Tom and I'm a homosexual and a sinner. Very good. Let's continue. Hey, new kid, what's your name?

Billy. Billy Johnson. Welcome to camp. Word of advice, don't take shit from the counselors. But my dad said if I don't get straight, I'll have to move out. Oh, he'll get over it. Watch this. My name's Greg. I'm a homosexual and a sinner. Very good. Jimmy? My name's Jimmy, and I like to party.

No, you're a homosexual, and you're a sinner. I know you are, but what am I? A homosexual and a sinner. I know you are, but what am I? A homosexual and a sinner! A faggot says what? What? You're a faggot.

Pastor Ted's a faggot. Pastor Ted's a faggot. Damn you, Jimmy! For the first time in their lives, these gay teens are going to have to try to be positive. All right, maggots, it's time for the tug-of-war. Now everybody grab your rope and start yanking. Oh, oh, God, no, that's not what I meant. Somebody get a mop!

You're really good at this. Thanks. I practice a lot. You too. Teamwork makes the dream work. Oh, God, bring bleach! Everybody stop! Stop it right now!

I'll be damned if I'm going to have a gay teen orgy on my watch. Now everyone, hit the showers! Yeah! Showers! Showers! I'm going to touch your butt! Oh, no, no, wait! Stay away from the showers!

Universal Studios presents Going Straight. Coming out this 4th of July weekend. Dang it, Jimmy. I gotta hand it to you. We threw everything we had at you, and you never broke. You got a lot of chutzpah for a sissy. Does that mean I get to go home now? Oh, absolutely not. It just means we have to use the shock therapy. The what now?

I'm sorry, Jesus. Rated R for Really, This is a Real Thing. All right, everybody. The Mean Boys Podcast returns. It is time to play our final and favorite game. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a round of Witch of the Following. Huzzah. All right, this game...

I'm dancing quietly on an audio podcast. I can hear the music in my head. Oh, yeah. All right. This game comes to us from good friend of the show, Caitlin Massey. She says, the pause pass has been great as always. Keep up the good work. Thank you, Caitlin.

And I'm very excited to play. Which of the following is not a real torture device? Oh, shit. A, Heretic's fork. B, electric belt. C, the Spanish tickler. Or D, a strapado. Strapado is that puppet who wanted to be like a real boy, right?

His dick grows every time he thinks about the naughty things. I'm going to say D. Sweet riff, bro. All right. I think we to say D. Sweet riff, bro. All right. I think we used the electric belt in that last sketch. I feel like that's what housewives in the 50s used to lose weight, is electric belts. Wasn't that what Thor wore in his last costume?

No. 100% no. Completely incorrect. Tom, what could you even be thinking that you're thinking? Or maybe like a Doctor Strange garb or something? All right, so I'm going to say the Spanish tickler. You asked for the riffing. Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to go Spanish tickler, too, that sounds not... All right, the fake one is B, electric belt. It was an early 1900s medical device that used magnets to cure back pain. And a heretic's... Oh, we have explanations for all these. Do we want to hear them? I think we do. A sharp pronged device was placed between the breastbone and the throat and secured with a leather strap around the neck while the victim was suspended

so that they could not lie down. Anytime their head dropped from exhaustion, the fork would cut them. I think I've seen one of these. Is it next to your whiskey furniture? The Spanish tickler is a long, sharp, curved iron spike used to rip and tear Flesh away from the bone

From any part of the body Oh god That doesn't seem like It would tickle at all I know Even the armpits That seems like That's a bad name

It's different in Spain Yeah it's the full of Well they got those Latin tempers guys I mean they're just Gluttons for punishment And there's trapato The hands are tied

Behind the back And the rope Looped over a hook In the ceiling And then the person Was raised until He was hanging from his arms I've seen one

You can make one of those. That's like a classic. Well, you can make all of these, Tom. It doesn't mean you should. Well, no, like, that's the easiest one to make. Are you finding this shit on Pinterest? I don't like that you just low-key know how to make torture devices and also live in my basement.

Yeah. What? I'm the one in the basement. Yeah, for now. That doesn't mean... Okay, moving on. Round two. Which of the following is not a real torture device?

A, the tub. B, shrew's fiddle. Okay, moving on. Round two. Which of the following is not a real torture device? A, the tub. B, shrews fiddle. C, neck violin. Or D, the prayer wheel. Prayer wheel sounds like something Rue Barberudy would like. 40 on the curb. Oh, yeah. Just, you know, alternates different things to be grateful for.

Wait, wait. Can I hear them one more time? The tub, shrews fiddle, neck violin, and prayer wheel. It's Grover Cleveland's tub. Or wasn't Taft the one that was stuck in the bathtub? Yeah, Taft got stuck in the bathtub. I mixed up my fat fucks. Someone make the Mean Boys Wikipedia already with all the characters

so we can keep our lore straight. Ryan Colby, get on it. What? Didn't Taft really get stuck in a bathtub? I mean, probably, but I don't know if that's historical canon. I feel like the White House press corps may have been bribed to keep that under wraps.

I'm going to say the neck violin. Alright. I think the shrews... What is it? The shrews fiddle? Yeah. That's what I call the coders. Kayla's only mildly shrewy. Shrew Jason. Yeah.

This is tough because I think I know what the prayer wheel is. And then... I promise you, you don't. Yeah, Tom. Well, we'll find out. And I feel like... You're for sure thinking of a rosary. Or maybe the wheel of fortune.

Yeah. But that's not a God thing. Yeah, I 400 I'm gonna say a all right the fake one is d the prayer wheel damn it spinning cylindrical object using tibet to pray what do you think it was I thought it was when they nail the person to to the wheel and they spin them until they throw up and throw knives at them no you're thinking of a knife throwing you're thinking you're thinking of a circus Tom yeah that's not so much a torture device as it is you're thinking of a knife throwing. You're thinking of a circus, Tom. Yeah. It's not so much a torture device as it is a... You're adding a lot of weird elements. You're adding the nailing them to the thing. It's got to be real.

That's basically like the working at McDonald's for gypsies. It's the fallback plan. It's like, I got to work the pre-o-reel this weekend at the festival. What are these things? A tub. A person would be secured in a wooden tub with their only head sticking out. I guess only their head sticking out, their only head. It's a torture device for two-headed people.

It's very, very arcane. The executioner would paint their face with milk and honey, and soon flies would begin to feed on them. The victim was also fed regularly and would end up swimming in their own excrement. After a few days, maggots and worms would devour their body

as they decayed alive. Holy shit. Damn. So what's the other one? Well, I'm just like, I would try to hold in my poop as long as possible. And what's the other one? Well, I'm just like... I would try to hold in my poop as long as possible. And that's just the tub? Oh, yeah. That's just called the tub.

That is a deceptively simple name. Yeah, that's haunting. A shrew's fiddle is a piece of wood with holes for the neck and wrist that forces the arms to be held outstretched in front of the person, causing pain. And a neck violin is the same thing as a shrew's fiddle. Alright, number three, which of the following is not a real torture device? A. Breast Ripper. Wait, what?

B. Oh, I think I got these confused with the Death Grip songs. Breast Ripper! A is Breast Ripper. B is Knee Splitter. C. The Tongue Terror. Or D. Toe Chopper. I'm going to say Toe Chopper just because the other one sounds so much more intense. I'm pretty sure Toe Chopper is the bad guy from the first Mad Max movie.

I'm not really joking. Oh, no, that's Toe Cutter. Okay. But I'm also just picturing one of those cigar guillotines. Yeah. Can you tell me what the second and third ones were again? Knee Splitter and Tongue Terror. I'm going to say the Knee Splitter.

What was the first one? No, no, no. I'm sorry. I know that's real. I'm going to say... First one's Breast Ripper. I'm going to say Breast Ripper. Yeah, I am too.

That's fake as fuck. The fake one is the Toe Chopper. Shut up. No. And she just made it up. I got that right. Tom, you can't explain your own game, and you don't even know to celebrate when you're winning other people's.

The Breast Ripper, a crude iron tongue used to rip women's breasts off was mainly used on women who were accused of adultery or self-abortion. It's just a titty clamp. You just like, like, just like, like you just... It's also what they used for double mastectomies back in the day. Once you pop the bleeding, don't stop. Knee splitter, two spiked wood blocks pasted in front of and behind the knee. The blocks were connected with two large screws. When the screws were turned, the blocks would close

towards each other, crushing the knees. Yeesh. And the tongue tearer, just a pair, basically it's a pair of scissors that cut off your tongue. Well,

you get what you pay for on that one. I'm sorry, I missed these things for your birthday. Keith is 28. Happy birthday to Keith. Let's move on with the game.

He will die alone and unloved. He's older than I thought he'd be. And many more. A, the Spanish donkey. Okay, so round four Not even our best I sang the realest Not even the best musical parody

This episode frankly Well you sang over just my voice Well Tom I was hoping that You know what I had a lot of plans None of them really came to fruition Which of them was

Not a real Spanish Fucking Herdy majigs A Spanish donkey Herdy majigs B That's you as a clown Brazen bull Spanish donkey Oh no Herdy majigs A Spanish donkey B brazen bull

Spanish donkey oh no herdy majig A I hope you're having a good birthday it's herdy majig do do do

cigar on your elbows I'm making balloon animals out of your fucking dreams my shoes got holes and so does your skin when I'm done I'm a lovable vagabond fucking dreams. My shoe's got holes and so does your skin when I'm done. I'm a lovable vagabond who hurts your family.

I got a flower that squirts mustard gas. Hey, it's a problem. B, brazen bull. C, I'm not kidding, pilly winks. That has to be real. Or D, louse cages. Wait, what was A? A was Spanish donkey.

I think that's a sex move. That does sound like an urban dictionary sex move. Oh, like, yeah, no, you shit on your mouth and then you draw a mustache with your cum. Yeah, you get it. Any one of those. I'm going to say the Spanish donkey. KK? Yeah, samesies.

Tom? Oh, shit, do I conform? At least once in your life. I pick E. I'm touching my hairy arms a lot. It feels really good. What were the two that weren't Peliwinks? Spanish Donkey and the Brazen Bull.

Or the worst signature cocktails at a Mexican restaurant. Anyway. There wasn't a fourth one? Spanish Donkey, Brazen Bull, Pilly winks, and louse cages. I would say brazen bull. The fake one is louse cages. Wow. Spanish donkey, a wooden triangular box.

The victim would be forced to sit astride. Weights would be added to force them down onto the edge, sometimes rupturing or cutting them. Rupturing them. Didn't they do that in Guantanamo Bay? They just make them sit on top of a pyramid with their butt on top, and then they just play Katy Perry really loud until they told them about ISIS? That sounds about right.

Anyway, brazen bull, a solid piece of brass with a door on the side. A person could be placed inside the bull and set fire underneath it until they're slowly roasted to death. Why does it need to be shaped like a bull? You could just use a regular old box. That's a lot of craftsmanship going into this. Yeah, Katy Perry's awful. What?

Three steps behind, as always. Tom, take the bowl. Pilly Winks, another name for thumbscrews, a vice sometimes with sharp studs inside. The victim's thumbs, fingers, or toes were replaced in the vice and slowly crushed. And louse cages are actually a device used in developing the type of vaccine. It held live lice against a person's skin.

It's super fucking gross, Caitlin writes. Yeah, I hear you. Moving on to the final question. All real or all fake? A. Wooden monkey. B. Wooden monkey. Hurts compass.

C. Lucifer's chair. Or D. Perkins tractors. Hang on. Okay. These have to all be fake. Why?

What makes you say that? I think Perkins Tractors is a real band of tractors. What? I think it's tractors. You think there's a guy named Perkins with a tractor company? Yeah, like John Deere. All right, I'm going to look that up right now because I don't think you're right. Oh, well, I think you may have just given away the answer.

I'm going to say fake. Tom is still not gathering a pretty basic context. Okay, Kayla. Yeah, fake. All right. Well, they're all fake. What a climactic final round this was.

Oh, yeah. So the wooden monkey is just made up. A Hertz compass is a 1900s medical device used to determine where bullets were located in the body so they could be removed. It's like a stud finder for drive-by shootings in the era of Boss Tweed. What? Luciferous chairs made up.

And Perkins Tractor is a quack medical device. Medical rods used to draw out noxious electrical fluid by simply passing them over the skin. Oh, damn. That's some fucking snake oil shit that Keith would have sold if he'd been born 100 years ago. That would have totally been my deal. Keith for sure would have been riding town to town at a stagecoach with boxes of his own fingernail shavings that he would tell you cured cancer. I think I would have died in a militia. You think you would have what? Died in a militia.

Tom, please tell the listeners about your ancestor that you're very proud of, John Brown. Oh, yes. the listeners about your ancestor that you're very proud of john brown oh yes john brown uh basically uh for he was uh if you don't know who he is he was uh best at explaining things in the world tom guys everybody who uh thought black people should be free this is before the civil war so basically he rounded up most of his family and was like hey we're gonna go and we're just gonna attack we're gonna attack the armory, steal all their weapons, and just go farm to farm killing all the slave owners. And then

it didn't work. No kidding. White Django didn't free the slaves. Wait, so you mean to tell me you had an ancestor who was loud, violent, and ineffective? But ultimately well-intentioned. Okay, I will say he did kill several slave owners. That's pretty dope.

Congratulations. And then he died. I guess when his son got shot in the stomach and his son was just like, please put me out of my misery. And he pretty much said the old-timey version of don't be a pussy and watched his son. He was fucking nuts. My grandma's last name is Brown, and we're like distantly related to him, but I'm not exactly sure,

and I don't want to find out because it was probably the family that didn't go with him. So, yeah. All right, well, I asked him a simple question, and I started this whole Rube Goldberg device of nonsense. Let's open up the Mean Boys mailbag. We've got a few questions for Tom here.

AtFuntick8 with a PH writes, does Tom ever get used to the stares from strangers as he talks to himself walking down the street? You know, I stop talking to myself walking down the street. Usually when that happens, I stay inside. Okay. Well, hey. Ask and answer.

Yep. What is Tom's favorite conspiracy theory? That's a good question. Free to answer it. Favorite or most likely in my head? Either one. Yeah. I don't know if it makes a ton of difference.

Say a thing so we can do another one. Yeah. All right. So this might just be my weird brain, but I like to think that aliens are just us from the future taking us for experiments for the future. What? What are you basing this off of? Some article I read when I was like 10.

Translation, I made it up. I had a dream. No, no. I read books about Bigfoot as a kid. And this is connected to the future aliens To simplify that there is Futurefoot What is the nicest thing Tom has ever done for a stranger Because that is going hot one hot nowhere

Why would you think I'm nice What are the questions to me You're the guest Yeah I've done this a lot I What are the questions to me? You're the guest. Yeah, I've done this a lot. I don't know. Okay. Tom Goss, compelling radio personality.

I drive nice. Stammering. Most people just commit to a fake answer at some point to keep things moving. Not you. I'm trying to be honest. Why? They call me Honest Abe, Keith. Nobody's ever called you that ever.

If Tom could start a remake of an old movie, what would he choose? The answer is Taxi Driver. Yeah, I've seen Taxi Driver, and I'm young Robert De Niro. But not him, but the character. What is Tom's opinion on Let's Play as entertainment? Those videos where people just stream themselves playing video games and giving commentary over it. I think that's fucking stupid. Yeah? Yeah.

You have a simulated reality that you're filming so people can watch you play. How many levels of disconnection before... You know what I mean? Eat some Cheetos and fuck. Why do you gotta, like, get into so many layers of disconnection? You hear that scene, Anders?

Eat some Cheetos and fuck, all right? Tom Goss has a prescription for you. Go for a jog or a walk. I walk a lot. You know, meat's a lot. And you're doing great. Look, you can be the sane person in your reality, or you can be the insane person in everyone else's

That's up to you Okay, shitty Gandhi Be the mental illness you wish to see in the world Alright, this question comes to us from Tom Goss, why are you? Answer that in three words Alright, there's one. Too many concussions.

Perfection. Beautiful. At The Daily Roast wants to know, what are two things Tom would accomplish in his first 100 days if he were president? Oh, good question. It's a great question. I think... Fuck.

Is this after Trump or right now? Tom, it's a... You're not going to be the president. You need no details on real life situations. You need all the details on hypothetical fun questions. I mean, the first thing I'd do is probably move into the White House. Get fucked forever. And the second thing...

Find out where the bathrooms are. Second thing is probably do some sort of speech thing. Nope, you're not allowed to say anything else. That's the end of the answer. Move into the White House, do a speech thing. We got any more questions? It's called the inauguration address, my friend. I'll call whenever I want him.

The president. Okay, if Tom had to come up with a creative way to protest the election, what would it be? Love you guys. Oh, you know, at the Trump march, there are a lot of at the Trump march. It's a lot of like titties. So, you know, maybe just get a bunch of guys to march through the South with the dicks flopping out. Look who just woke up. Talk into your microphone if you're going to ruin the show.

Shut up. All right. It's not it's not Trump's America yet. You're going to ruin the show. Shut up. It's not Trump's America yet. You can be quiet in the attic. You can be loud in the attic. I think it would really make some noise. Also, just please imagine Tom as Meep from Anne Frank's Diary and just trying to hide them and just not give away their location. No juice here.

I gotta go upstairs and feed my hamsters that don't exist. Bye forever. Yeah, my can-eat hamsters. Alright, and finally, what's his favorite food and his least favorite pants shitting story? Why does everyone assume I shit my pants?

Like, look at you. I don't. I have bowel control um uh um again what tom takes offense to is so strange because you can call him retarded until the fucking cows come home but you imply that he has lost control of his bowels once his adult life i've just given up trying to make the point that i'm not retarded also i thought i was retarded for too long to really argue it. Also, I'm retarded. What was the question? Oh, shit your pants.

What's your... Well, you didn't even get the easy one. What's your favorite food? All right. You know what they ask you in the first day of second grade? Probably... Yeah, I didn't go to second grade. Probably sushi and pizza.

Okay. And what's the last... What's the last time you shit your pants? I was like five. Wow. Okay. And what's the last time you shit your pants? I was like five. Wow. Okay. Impressive. I mean, everyone sharts a little, but I've never liked shit.

If only you had a tight brain sphincter to match your Herculean asshole as you eat your vegan diet of whiskey, cigarettes, and bean and cheese burritos. That's not vegan. What? Oh, Tom. Oh, yeah. I'm right. Yeah.

I forget you're vegetarian. Also, cheese is not vegan No, but No, but No, but Still right Still right Alright, that's the show for this week Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

This was some fun derailment Yeah, I got some bugs November 29th I host Warp Zone Comedy At the Virgil here in Los Angeles Come check that out We got Jackie Casey in headlining. December 6th, I will be roast battling Tom Goss.

God help us all. I've heard some of both of their jokes are going to be fantastic. Go to the Comedy Store Ballet Room at midnight. I'm going to be on tour with Mr. Tom Goss in the Midwest from December 12th to December 22nd, going all the way over Oklahoma, Kansas, Ohio, Missouri. We're going to Ohio? No, you know what? It cut off. I thought it said OH, but it was actually Oklahoma. Go on my

website. We've got all the shows up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that would be great. If you live in that area, check it out, because it would be cool to meet some people. Some Midwest Mean Boys. Some red state Mean Boys. It would be fun. Also, watch me and Keith on the roast of Harry Potter on Screen Junkies Plus

that just came out oh yeah you gotta subscribe you can get a free trial membership if you wanna go check out all the fine programming over there yeah

and uh okay alright Gale's career's not going well so we're done yeah and uh Keith and Connor

plugged my stuff so I'm good yeah fuck everything God is dead.