Mean Boys - EP 4 - Cherry Poppins

Episode Date: January 14, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week's segments include "Mexican Joke Off", "Emotional Dunk Tank", "Devil's Advocate", "Which of the Following", and a story from Joe's drag queen years. Our sponsors are Dr. Mortaro and Carnok 2016. Email the show at [e-mail], and follow us on twitter @meanboyspodcast. http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Mayonnaise Gumby. You know, honestly, thanks for picking that one up for me. I was having trouble thinking of a pithy way to introduce myself. You preppy fucks.

I really... Do I walk into a morning radio show right now? What was with all this enthusiasm? I don't know. I'm used to you starting the show with that fucking... I guess we're doing the thing I asked us all to do. Yeah, because you fucking pussyfoot, too afraid to ask a girl out to the school dance,

like, bitches aren't going to start it. By the way, would someone tell the martyr that I started the show for just this reason? Because he started the other three, so I'm going to do it. And then he got to avoid this complainy whiny energy, and now we're back to it anyway. Yeah, but you made a big deal about it. Oh, go find a fucking bonfire to throw yourself on. Fight!

Hey, let's just remember all the squabbling between me and Joe only detracts from the fat jokes about Keith. They sure do. It's good, good. We simply can't have that. What do you think about a non-aggression pact there, Joe? All right.

All right. All right, Air Stalin. This is going exactly how I thought it would. 30 seconds in. Fucking Hitler, Stalin, Keith is Czechoslovakia. Let's carve him up. Yep. I'm down.

Let's annex the fucking Sudeten Cheeto. Oh, man. All right. I had a brief moment in the sun where I was like, it's not about me. All right. There are fucking... Spend his days sitting on an Ottoman Empire. By the way, I'm trying so hard to find a fucking Rhineland candy reference.

My brain is just a hamster on its back kicking its legs furiously. All right, guys. I think that's enough fluffing. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Yeah. I'm so topical. I'll start this off. Hey, can we talk about why I'm the one who usually does this because of how awkward that fucking was?

Oh, my God. I'm, yeah. This is what happiness sounds like. You pretending to be happy is ridiculous. Joe, your eyes are bleeding. It's like watching an amputee juggle. Joe, why are there animated bats coming out of your mouth? Oh, my God.

See, you know, he tries to start it off. You can't win with him. Yeah, you're about as natural as, like, when the alien is in the people suit in Men in Black. It's just like, this is how we move. All right. Ringling Brothers will retire all active elephants in May, two years ahead of schedule. This news is irrelevant to Keith's mother, as she was terminated last June for trunk-fucking herself in front of a kindergarten class.

There it is. There it is. I didn't care for it. Anyway. He just wanted it, not like it. Well, it's true, and I didn't, and it. Anyway. You just wanted to not like it. Well, it's true, and I didn't, and I got my wish. The San Francisco company American Giant has created a hoodie so popular consumers will wait up to four months to get it.

Economists worry the company will be too big to fail after merging with Neckbeards Incorporated. Yeah, didn't like it. All right. This is not going to be the love fest that was last week. No, we're going back to failure and bitterness. Yeah. Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said this week that his favorite film of 2015 was The Big Short.

He then added, that's the one about the hobbits, right? Uber has announced they will allow drivers with felonies that have been reduced to misdemeanors to drive for their service. Not to be outdone, Lyft has announced its new Murder Schmurder recruitment initiative. That's very good. Houston residents have petitioned that a middle school named for Confederate leader Jefferson Davis ought to be renamed. The school board agreed to the change but refused to compromise on the joseph mengelo water slide you slide down amniotic fluid into twin goo such an obscure human experimentation reference only the mean boys listening audience will enjoy

we're a real who's who of crimes against humanity. Oh, Joe, you're my bitch of Buck and Walt. Very obscure concentration camp. Bitch of Buck and Walt. She's real. Guess go, Keith. The Razzies, an annual award show celebrating the worst films of the year,

revealed their nominees this week. Topping the nods was Connor McSpadden for his unconvincing portrayal of a heterosexual. That's pretty good. I wish. Do you read that for my dreams? I mean, it's very like Johnny Carson roasting me. How many listens would we have to get to

for you to let me and Joe fuck you? Oh, the 100th episode, spectacular. Oh my God, if I got to fuck Connor but Keith is involved, that's some weird monkey's paw wish fulfillment with an ironic twist at the end. How did you know exactly what Keith's dick looks like? I got a fucking Ed McMahon laugh out of her arms.

What if I do it too, but I'm behind a sheet, so you don't have to look at me. I don't own enough sheets. Meanwhile, behind the shame poncho. Never mind that bisexual behind the curtains. An Indiana mother

received a 24 year sentence for selling her infant daughter for use in child pornography. She said of her sentencing, but when I get out it's cool though, right? Oh my God. american dog owners have created pug fest 2016 a festival for those who enjoy pugs and conventionally unattractive dogs the event will be held this friday at the silver

lake personality store that's a local reference a social services organization has started using a dog named rika to comfort victims of child sex crimes as they're interviewed about their experiences when asked about his work the dog said i've heard of burying a bone but this is ridiculous these kids have really had it rough i got connor on the first one joe on the second one i'll take it i liked it an indian village has destroyed the government-issued toilets they were given to stop them from defecating in the streets. Local officials said of the smell, we didn't notice at first, we just thought they were cooking dinner. I didn't like it.

Jack Daniels released a new bourbon to honor the late Lenny Kilmister. In other news, Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey has released a new liquor to honor Keith Carey's mother's womb. Oh, I liked it. Florida officials are offering cash prizes to hunters who helped clear out a dangerous python infestation in the Everglades. Hunters are looking for a 23-foot-long snake to which Joe Dosh replied, You and me both, sister. That joke is like, what if a bro could write a smart joke? Can I just say I love vaudevillian Keith.

That is my favorite kind of Keith. What was that when you had a couple weeks ago? The budget-conscious porn addict on the go. On the go. On the go. This week around the globe. Yeah, yeah, your fucking movie reel news footage. Kick a kraut in the pants.

Hey, Kaiser, you can go kick rocks. Not today, Uncle Adolf. All right. A new report shows that Danish windmills produce over 42% of the country's electricity and nearly 76% of the country's bogeys and mini golf. God damn it. I absolutely love that one. I know.

I didn't want to like it, but. Oh, my goodness. A Canadian man was caught smuggling 180 pounds of prescription pills on a sled. The man responded by saying, just hear those oxys jingling, ring-ting-tingling to. Oh, wow! I thought that was going to bomb. There's nothing I would like more

than to leave you out in the dry during a singing act out. I fucking delivered that joke like I was walking to a firing squad and it turned out okay and your gun's jammed. Yeah, wow. Former Power Rangers star Ricardo Medina was charged with murder

for killing his roommate with a sword. When asked for comment, Medina's attorney had this to say. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Oh, my God. By the way, I love...

First of all, the timing on that was not great. By the way, I love how Keith put up his finger, like, oh, yeah, just delay the essence

of humor and like... If you would like to co-host the Mean Boys podcast email so now so now's a good time to ask do either of you watch the Power Rangers no I did when I was younger millennial cunt joke fell upon deaf you're not you're two years older than me I know but I'm older in spirit weird old man

I'm an old man at heart you can't argue that fuck you just because you've had an old man up and far enough in you to get to your heart does not make you one. Joe's prostate looks like Clint Eastwood's face. All right. Show him some respect. Heavens. I've seen some things.

Guys, I was smoking a cigarette. Fucking yeah. Neither of them like Asians. You're the only prostate that I know. But yet Joe's prostate has a necklace made of tiny gook ears. Jesus. Keith, you took my joke and made it into something tawdry. Go, Connor.

That was a Mexican joke. Wait, Keith, I do have one more joke. Connor, it may be on a subject we may have kind of exhausted a little bit, but I'd like to do it if you don't mind. I see no way that this bites me in the ass at all, so I'd love to hear it. Outstanding. Five pot-bellied pigs ran through downtown Tempe, Arizona after escaping a nearby corral.

Keith Carey was seen on a nearby mountaintop screaming, Run, my pretties! Fuck both of you to death. That one's so whimsical He's holding like Those little metal sheets you clap to make thunder noises Yes Do my bidding

Keith you're not in on the joke We're bullying you Stop having fun with it Stop trying to fucking play dead And the bears won't eat you We're eating you motherfucker Yeah it's funny to imagine Keith in his free time Stop trying to fucking play dead and the bears won't eat you. We're eating you, motherfucker. Yeah, it's funny to imagine Keith in his free time as like an unsuccessful supervillain like that.

Yeah, I'm just going to take off. You guys let me know if you want to. We don't. All right, cool. Yeah, okay. That was a pretty successful Mexican joke off everyone. Welcome back to the much better, more flowing, dynamic podcast with Connor and Joe.

All right, I'm back. I think we're going to get into the emotional dunk tank. Oh boy. And how. Alright, this week, seven of the dunk tank. We got the Oregon Militia. Way to stutter on the intro.

The Oregon Militia. I kind of like these guys. They seem like my kind of people. Yeah, honestly, I think you'd fit in pretty well. A bunch of queers hanging out in a meadow? That's basically what it is. No, you would walk up to them and be like, hey, do you guys want to play Catan? And they'd be like, yeah, I thought you never asked.

Yeah, exactly. To me, they're just like a Jethro Tull fan club with zoning issues. I just know what it seems like to me. Well, the thing is, the feds think they'll leave when they run out of gas for their generators or battery life for their obesity scooters. I just like that they're hitting government corruption at the source, the national park system. Yeah, you can't just go to the park and say, I'm seizing this land.

You're just at the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Mexicans took over the park by my house every sunday for years yeah they're fucking grilling corn in the name of mexico yeah yeah there's a bunch of shitty mylar balloons with like like off-brand cartoon characters on them although what's crazy though is like the federal government does own like half those states like they own massive massive chunks that like people are criticizing these guys but if you're from eastern oregon you either occupy federal buildings or campsites at the gathering of the Juggalos.

One way. Did you guys see their new mascot, the Anvil? No. Hokie the Bear. It's such an obvious windup for such a slowball pitch. Yeah, sure was. You know what bums me out about these dudes is they're fucking like Choco Monkeys, and they ruin the idea of revolution for me.

Because I like the idea of going out and fighting the government. I mean, pretty badass. On paper. These dudes are to overthrowing the government whatever Levine is to punk rock. Oh, dude, they're the skater boys of fucking revolution. Those Dixie chicks, huh? And other references from 2004. I don't know if they ought to be speaking so loudly

on foreign soil. The twinkiest of the Bolsheviks would kick these guys in the nards and take their fucking picnic baskets. The nards. This feels like a super brokeback scenario. Oh, yeah.

Where it's like, oh, you stay here, Martha. Me and Chuck are going to fight the president. And then you get out there and they're all just fucking in the shit. Keith, do you have any references from the Obama administration where they all like... No, I'm making a point. Say Dallas Buyers Club or something. That's not what the Dallas Buyers Club is about. That's about somebody trying to cure the disease we're all waiting for to eliminate you from this planet, you pasty faggot.

It doesn't matter if it's true. The hot potato is on you, and you are dropping it. Oh, I dislike you. Joe's going to give you shit about your references, but he's going to say cockamamie eight times throughout the rest of the episode, you fucking old-time caged lamb. I guess it's 23 skidoo for you, Joe.

Keith, if it makes you feel better, I have some prepared jokes in this emotional dunk tank that are probably going to bomb. I could do them right now. Yeah, go for it. I was just riffing. You got it. I was just riffing.

One of the occupiers told a reporter he just wants to live off the land with a rifle and a coon skin cap. When asked if he meant raccoon, he responded, for now. That's quite good. Are there any not white ones? Do we know this, by the way? There is no. It eastern oregon they might have like a lost mexican no they don't but by the way i met a black pheasant hunter for the first time two weeks ago and i was did you make a wish yeah are you sure it wasn't just a man with a feather in his hat this This is a 70s pimp. Oh, that's good. These guys, they requested snacks. Do you guys

see that? They put out the bat signal for snacks. I'm just wondering, can Nature Box deliver to a civilian military coup? I just like the idea of their version of a Civil War letter, which is, It's been 47 days in the woods since I've tasted the sweet gushers of the cupboard.

Send bugles and a letter with your perfume. I wish to make them into witch cloths. I feel like these guys... So as to frighten the other militiamen. We have a lot of free time. Nacho cheese, nacho land, Obama. I feel like these guys just have Dan Carlin playing on an infinite loop in the background like they'd never heard of music. Dan Carlin is not one of these guys.

I'm late to the party. The one time you want cops to just start shooting people in the back like they'd never heard of music. Dan Carlin is not one of these guys. I'm late to the party. The one time you want cops to just start shooting people in the back and they're not there. Don't start calling yourselves a militia after nobody respects your Trader Joe's bag boy strike. That's my thing. I like talking about this because it brings

out my conservative dad side because I just want to be like, how about these hippies occupy a shower, huh? I don't think any of them ever occupied a vagina. I'll tell you that right now. Well, the thing is, liberals are suggesting that the only reason the government isn't responding violently to them is because they're white. And then they then turn to a charred Waco corpse and told it to check its privilege. It's black now.

Fuck! Yeah, I mean, there's something kind of fun about it. No matter what you feel. I just like to imagine a Disney montage of forest animals helping them write their manifestos. By the way, I totally just figured out what this bit is. This is when every comedian goes on a talk show or radio and is like, Oh, hey, Bill, I heard you were mowing the lawn. Oh, you should say that.

We're going to be boys unleashed. I'm fucking Connor Allen. I'm Pyron Allen. Because it's fat, you should say that. We're going to be Mean Boys Unleashed. Yeah. I'm fucking Connor Allen. I'm Pyron Allen. Because it's fat. It's a food. Guys, look, here's the thing. We're three notorious

roast comedians and our show No or Not. I know. Stop it. You wanted that back the second it left your mouth, didn't you?

I know. I was trying to... We're just the bad boys out here on the edge. We need a break from shitting on each other. And if we shit on something else, it'll probably give us some new ways to shit on each other. I think that's true.

So that's the idea behind the emotional dunk tank. Full circle. That's called professionalism, wrapping up a segment like that. All right, I think that was a good first part of the show. Let's throw it over to a word from our sponsors. Hello, folks. It's me, Dr. Edgar Mortoro from Mortoro's Baby Coffins. And how are we today?

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That Dr. Mortara, I'm not sure how good that is for our brand. Yeah, he's the only sponsor who sticks around for more than one episode. Yeah, the Dollar Shave Club is gonna find that hard to follow. I mean, the Dollar Grave Club. All right, guys.

I think we're going to do a round of Devil's Advocate. Oh, you got it. All right, everyone. My Devil's Advocate for this week. This is one of those things that I kind of mention when people just get drunk enough and people are just wise enough to entertain me, but I do kind of feel this is sort of true.

I at least think it's true enough to ask. Would a dictatorship be that horrible? This is a good, this is a recurring Dan Carlin motif. He's like, it's another roll of the monarchy dice. Sometimes a leader is born into great power and he happens to be very apt for the role. By the way, speaking of Dan Carlin, my favorite thing about Dan is when he'll read some kind of proclamation of doom from the Mongols, or whoever, but he just reads it in his nerdy voice.

He'll be like, we will kick your mothers in the pussies, and then we will kick them once again in the assholes. I will smear the most vile kind of diarrhea in your eyes, you Cossack dog. The bookshelves of Joe's apartment are just lined with volumes and volumes of old-timey racist slang. It really is. I'm reading a book called Gay Berlin right now. Oh, Christ. Yeah, it's very me. Yeah, because it's gay and German in your apartment alone.

And secretly full of Hitler. One cannot understand bottoming without understanding Wagner. Yeah, I'm down with the dictator. That's my thing, basically what Dan Carlin said. Sometimes you luck out and you get someone who's great in power

and then even if you have, if you look back in history and quote unquote successful dictatorships, people that, you know, whether or not they're a good person got shit done, the people that succeed them

are rarely, can live up to it. You know no we you could knock Hitler for goals. You can't knock him for efficiency Yeah, you got shit done any German, right? It was really the BMW of killing you Being BMW was the BMW of killing Jews. I take public transportation It's hard to get like 600 people a day on a train in Los Angeles. You got that many going? Oh, my God, Keith. Which being which, there's the big elephant in the room with theoretically, yes, I'm pro-dictatorship. At some point, you get to like the ugly genocide thing, which someone's got to go. Yeah, well, look, here's the thing.

Everybody has a pet peeve, all right? Mine is when people call high-top sneakers chucks. Mine is everybody who does family guy voices yeah yeah and you know what if i had unlimited power maybe those people would go away yeah you know yeah if everyone who did family guy voices stabbed me in the back after the great war i'd probably be a little peeved about it myself yeah uh see this is a great segment because it turned in for like oh this will be a fun jumping off point to an argument to, oh, we are all sociopaths. Yeah, pretty much. Well, my point is,

is like, supposedly right now we vote on things and we have rule of law and like Trump is almost president and Brendan Dassey's in jail. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like all a dictate, like, oh,

like right now, our whole government is like, once we do something that they actually, like all of our freedoms are things they don't give a shit about and they don't really interfere with powerful people. Yeah, they're trinkets.

Yeah, so it's like anytime anything actually does, they will stop it. So what if we just stopped kidding ourselves and be like, yeah, we basically have a dictatorship, and if they don't want you to do something, your rights aren't going to stop them. So what do we want in a solid dictator, then? Oh, boy. Hair. Yeah, distinctive hair.

Yeah. Well, you've got to have something that you can put on a t-shirt Okay I mean they have to have some hair Like when they have bad hair you get a Hitler When you have no hair you're like an African warlord That like cannibalizes babies I'm not sure if I heard correctly

Did you just say that Hitler had bad hair? Yeah Nah dog Yeah no Really tight comb over That I think any fucking bass player of a pop punk band would kill for today. Distinctive mustache choice fits his face. It takes something to just craft a look around your...

He ruined a style forever. It's him and the Flock of Seagulls, guys. They're the only people who have done that. They killed Tamir Rice. They didn't stop wearing cop uniforms. Who ruined that haircut more, Hitler or Conor Oberst? Fair enough. I mean, if you ask me.

Yeah, we figured out the look. We want him to have, you know. I think the nice, like, the short comb over, kind of a Putin-y thing is good. Yeah. Do we want, like, a code-talking dictator, or do we want just, like, a straight shooter? What's a code-talking dictator? Do we want somebody who's, like Or do we want just like a straight shooter What's a code talking dictator Like a jive talking dictator He should be wearing a zoot suit

And snapping Do we want one of these like Well you know they have to go to the camps for the betterment of the country Or do we want one just like No fucking brown ones I don't want that I'm just saying in general If you change no brown ones. Do we want them just straight up? I don't want that. I'm just saying in general. If you change no brown ones to

free healthcare and Filipinos calm down, I'm kidding. Filipinos calm down. Just with the parties. That's Conor's one-man protest. It's just him holding that sign and no one knows what it's in reference to.

For the record, I love Filipinos you know this is an honest thing I've noticed about Filipino people I've never met a straight Filipino in my life which begs the question how are there Filipinos I met one and he was the creepiest person I've ever met

we went to his house he was 48 years old he lived with his family and everything in his house was covered in plastic it looked like he murdered everyone. You know, I know one, but he has really bad arthritis. So I'm going to go say that as, you know, that's what you get if you want to be a hetero. He's more of a Filipino. Because he can't stand because his bones are bad. Don't correct the joke, you alt-cunt.

I'm not correcting it. I'm telling the joke good and explaining why it's good and you're dumb for not liking it. Hey, stop correcting the joke. Let's get to correcting his posture. He's very sick. Just fucking around. Yeah, no, we're all down with the dictator. We want the hair.

What do we... Okay, so we've... I want to just be blunt. I don't want any of this like Frank Underwood look at the camera and Malcolm in the middle what I'm really about.

Fucking tell me. I'm with you, yeah. Yeah. My favorite thing about Frank Underwood, by the way, is how his Secret Service guide gets all bottom jealous whenever he's talking to anybody else. Meechum.

Oh, I haven't seen the show. I was going to add. Oh, well, you definitely brought it up like you did, and now I look foolish. I don't want him to wear a suit. I want him to wear some kind of cool military uniform variant. I want him in the sweatsuit like Biff wears in Back to the Future 2.

There's a real sleazy velour track suit. You don't give a fuck. No, I want him to be a strapping man. Is that weird? No, I get it. Absolutely. What are those things where they got the tassels on the shoulders? Like the puffy things?

Yeah, yeah. Like you're riding in Calvary or something? Yeah, like the fucking old school Korean dictator shits. Or like the guy who molested you with like a Chuck E. Cheese or whatever? Yeah, King Midas. I remember that. It didn't turn my wiener to gold, but it did turn my eyes to full of tears. Yeah, it likes me to wear it like a military uniform.

I would like him to have like of a high-speaking voice, but you wouldn't call him out about it because you know he could fuck you up. Does that make sense? No, Jews! Hey, guys. Hey, United Nations. I refuse to acknowledge your sanctions. Germany is outside of our borders, and we won.

How do we lose? I have submarines stationed outside every major port and they're loaded with nuclear warheads tiki speaking of costumes I have to share something

very intimate about myself right now there's a big part of me that believes I could pull off wearing a cape I would like just day to day

just day to day yeah my issue is not with you having that feeling. It's with you just not having the self-love to start doing what you were born to do. You know what? I think that's very true.

Someone's got to bring it back. What do you wear with the cape? Oh, well, see, there's the question, isn't it? I'm just thinking naked combat boots. It can't just be cape and laundry day hoodie. That's not going to fly. Like a nice white suit is what I'm saying. Oh, I think so.

Well, this is an auditory format, so I just want to say that Joe always... He dresses like a teenage supervillain, and if you just superimpose a cape on top of whatever H&M overinflated quality nonsense he's got on, I think it would definitely look pretty appropriate. Could you have said that more fucking lifelessly?

I like listening to you getting bored of your own riffs. I know how they end, so I'm like doing that. You're spoiling your own jokes. That riff was like watching a dog get hit by a car on the freeway. Part of you wants him to limp to safety, and then part of you just wants it to be out of its misery.

Dude, I like how all segments are just half-heartedly try to stick to it, and then part of you just wants it to be out of its misery. Dude, I like how all segments are just half-heartedly try to stick to it and then, eh, fuck one of you. It wasn't me! It's a good break in case of lack of talent. Anyway. Well done. Yeah, so

dictators are cool. Yeah, we're for them. Voting. It's for faggots. That's what I say. Well, I'm gonna bleep that out. I condone that kind of hatred. What, we're for them. Voting. It's for faggots. That's what I say. Well, I'm going to bleep that out. I don't condone that kind of hatred. What, you're going to bleep out voting? Okay. All right.

Keith, your energy right now is like a little brother whose big brothers took him to an R-rated movie, and you're about to freak out because you saw some tits or violence or something. Shut up and eat your milk duds. All right. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors, everybody. Lowly worms, bow your heads and fill your loincloths with urine and the voice of Karnak, the blood god, devourer of the innocent, the wolf of all nations.

I sit atop a throne of infant skulls. The corners of my empire cower at my name, and only one land dares to defy my rule, I sit atop a throne of infant skulls. The corners of my empire cower at my name. And only one land dares to defy my rule. The land you call America. Yes, I have visited the blind prophets in the sulfur caves. I have breathed deep of the cauldron of knowledge and in its haze I have seen your world. Your amber waves of grain, your metropolises, your Johnny Rockets.

You are a joke. You are scum. You are a fly on a smear of shit compared to the dark glory of Karnak, and you dare call yourselves America the Great. Karnak will show you greatness. That is why I, Karnak the Blood God, am announcing that I am running for president in 2016 as a member of the Republican Party. Elect me your God-King and you will be cleansed of your putrid freedoms, baptized in the hellfire of my hatred. But Carnock, you may be asking, where do you stand on the issues? To that I say, you dare question Carnock?

I will make a soup from your eyeballs. Your economy is in shambles. Carnock will restore balance with trickle-down economics. It is simple. You deliver your golden spices unto me, or I remove your throat with my hands, and your coward's blood will trickle down and poison the soil. You fear the ape King Obama will take your guns. Karnak cares not. Keep your puny firearms. They pose no threat to Karnak's armor. Karnak will eat your ammunition, and he will shit a war. Karnak will ban gay marriage. Karnak will ban straight marriage. Carnock will ban straight marriage.

All citizens with usable holes are now brides of Carnock. Your other candidates are puny, though when you call Trump, he claims to be the chosen one. Bring this orange man onto Carnock. With a single swipe of my axe, I will remove his limbs. Bleeding and weeping, the Trump stump will beg for death, but he will not receive it. He will be sent to Flesh Rot Island and forced to gratify the lepers who live there. Do you hear me, Trump? You will be

raped to death by the living dead. Your belly will fill to burst with the coagulated seed of the dead. So saith Carnock. Anyway, when you step into the voting booth, you have a lot of choices to make, but remember, they are irrelevant. Carnock is eternal, and he will be your next overlord. A thousand years of darkness and four years of conservative values. Paid for by the pundered treasures of a fallen kingdom and Ann Coulter. I'm voting. My vote is Carnock.

I'm down with Carnock, man. It's a change we can believe in. I don't believe in Bernie. Go Karnak. Karnak, Karnak. Karnak, last one to die, turn out the light. Well, my thing with Bernie is after those fucking Black Lives Matter girls like totally, fuck, he totally shut down.

I was like, this, I mean, mean look i love the guy but i'm like you fucking you got you can't what did kurt metzger say you got punked by two slam poets by the way i i totally thought you're gonna go a different way with that it's just like i think with pretty those fucking black lives matter people no i just love when anything begins with those fucking black lives we were all We were all thinking, no, they don't. Well, I say fucking instead of um, and it gets me in trouble when I'm discussing race. It sure does. Those fucking Puerto Ricans.

Yeah, those fucking Puerto Ricans. Or whatever it is. Jesus Christ. All right. Well, you know what, guys? It's time to play Mean Boys' favorite game. Which of the Falling. Today, I've prepared a wonderful Witch of the Falling.

This is about real and not real drag queens. Love it. Which I was for a number of years. Is there like a drag queen certification database? Oh, well, not exactly. Is it like you're a drag princess and then somebody you get promoted? No, no, no. But there are houses.

Like Game of Thrones. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Exactly. It's cattier. Yeah. But yeah, you get made into that. House too much glitterum.

Yeah. Anyway, here we go. So here we go for which of the following. Which of the following is not a real drag queen? I just have a quick question. Does Peter Dinklage pay one of their tampons? All right, whatever. Not good, con man.

Just so you know, he stopped the momentum to say that, everyone. That's how much he believed in that Peter Dinklage line. Oh, geez. Anyway, which of the following is not a real drag queen? A, Helena Hootenanny. B, Sharon Needles C. Bianca Del Rio D. Cher Noble

Fuck. I don't like being on the other side of this game. It's kind of stressful. I am going to say Cher Noble because I think that might be too good. I could just see Joe giggling to himself when he came up with that. Yeah, that's my guess. Yeah, I'm saying Chernobyl. The real, not a real drag queen is a Helena Hootenanny.

Which, you know, I honestly thought this was a gimme because that's so me. That's me right there. That's faggotiness and old-timey slang. I thought one of you would have sniffed that one through a bush. Chernobyl is real, which when I heard that was real that's fantastic oh i know yeah i just shut up all right which of the following is not a real drag queen a penetration b trixie mattel c roberta galore d mimi'm first. What I like to imagine as you're reading this is just like Joe, Roger the Alien style

in different disguises walking out from behind the curtain. Trick question, they're all Joe. Fuck. I'm going to say Roberta Galore. I got to say Penetration. Yeah, I'm going to say Roberta Galore. The not a real drag queen is C, Roberta Galore.

Penetration was the first contestant eliminated on, I believe, season six of RuPaul's Drag Race, the best season of RuPaul's Drag Race by leaps and bounds. Why the fuck did I choose this game? None of you know what I'm talking about. Not even a little bit. None of our audience is even vaguely interested. No, no, no, fuck that.

We're broadening our horizons. That's right. Well, there's no broads in this game. Anyway. Which of the following is not a real drag queen? A, Fifi O'Hara. B, Rita the Bronze Bitch Hortez. C, Victoria Porkchop Parker.

Or D, Madame Le Queer. Madame Le Queer is generally what I call you when you're not around. That just sounds like a brand of tucking tape. Bronzebitch Porkchop and Madam Lequeer could be our names.

I'm gonna say Porkchop. I'm going to say... Porkchop. I'm going to go Fi-Fi O'Hara. The not a real drag queen is be Rita the Bronze Bitch Hortez. Now that you've got that. Madeline Queer is a real drag queen, and she fucking stinks. How do you stink at it?

Oh, very easily. See, you think drag would be like wow you're an impressed minority and you all kind of want to do this absolutely not if you stink they hate you and they will read you for fucking filth and shame you forever please share with the listening audience how you described uh what joe looks like in drag please which one the uh i i remember which okay i i remember it if he doesn't't. Keith described me looking in drag as like, I can see you standing behind your husband while he resigns in disgrace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's pretty spot on. He looks like the wife of like a Minnesota congressman who got caught fucking in the office. Yeah. He's like, our family's gonna stay strong. My husband and I ask the Lord for help every day.

Rattling a bottle of pills in our pocket. And that's why we resign this... Exactly. My purse is full of Xanax. All right. Which of the following is not a real drag queen? A, Laganja Estranja. B, Detoxicant.

C, Roxy Andrews. D, Lily Vanilli. First of all, when you said Laganja Estranja, Ramsey turned into a toad. I think that's a magic spell. Yeah, yeah. I think Detoxicunt is the fake one because it seems a little on the nose.

I will also say Detoxicunt. The not a real drag queen is Lily Vanilli. Detoxicunt is very real, and she got mangled in a motorcycle accident and is now the most fucked up plastic surgery case you've ever seen. She looks like she's permanent. That's metal as fuck. She looks like she's wearing a permanent chicken mask.

It's really. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. I mean, she really does look like if Connor were a genderqueer burn victim. That's how I would describe it. Oh, there it is. All right, everyone everyone here we go Detoxicant is the sworn enemy of Carnock

here we go everyone Detoxicant in their pantsuits thanks for the zinger to cover up my coughing Connor that's professionalism anyway here we go this is an all real or all fake A. Shangela Laquifa Wadley. B.

Monica Beverly Hills. C. LaShawn Beyond. Or D. Kim Chi. I really like Kim Chi. All fake. Hang on, though. These are so over the top. I don't think if he was trying to trick us, he would use ones that were this

retarded. So I think it actually is real. The answer is all real. And for the exact reason. Good. I know. By the way, this is why drag is so much fun. It's because for this exact reason, like you guys going through this, all that is too on the nose and fucking cunty. And there's no way that we, but yes.

No, it's all the way real. Yes, it absolutely is. Dude, I didn't get a single one correct. You really didn't. Even the one where I had get a single one correct. You really didn't. Even the one where I had a 50-50 chance. You really didn't, you cunt fucking savage. Anyway. Well, I'll have plenty of time to think about my loss in heaven.

Breeders got to breed, finger guns. Anyway. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. I was a drag queen for a long time. Yeah, you already mentioned that. Yeah. Well. Do you want to expound upon it or just say it again?

Yeah, I do. Do you want to just leave it on the table uninteresting? For the love of God, do you think maybe I had a follow-up fucking statement or two with that? No, well, you certainly left enough dead air for, you know, a truck to drive through. Is it so much to ask for a fucking, oh, really, Joe? Tell us more. It sure is. Wow.

Oh, you fucking. You were a drag queen? Yeah. Go on, my friend. I was. Ah, fuck the two of you. No, actually, just Connor. Keith's okay.

He's a good whipping boy, but, you know. Yeah. A good, cool whipping boy. My drag name. Ha! And we're back. Just cut it before it's time. My drag name was Cherry Poppins, and I remember one time, probably the dumbest thing I've

ever done in my life was get really, really blackout drunk. I was doing a drag show in Butte, montana which is one of the most savage oh no like awful fucking it's all it's all just like one of those it's one of it's like it's it's like a mining town that should have a folk song written about it everyone there is just poisoned by fracking about a drag queen dying on the tracks yeah exactly dude i got so drunk at the show and it was a daytime fucking drag show and at the time, I barely weighed less than Keith.

Well, then I'd never... I weighed like at the time what like if Keith lost a significant amount of weight, we'd have to like pretend he looks good but he'd still be really fat. You know, that was the weight.

I was like 210, you know. We'd be like, oh, wait, okay, you look really good but secretly, he's still kind of hideous like that's how... But he'd be relatively not hideous.

And I'm wearing, like, this blue fucking, like, Hot Topic tube dress. And I remember making out blackout drunk on the dirt parking lot of a Butte, Montana bowling alley at 4 p.m. in the summer. Just brought. I'm not behind a bush. I'm not behind a dumpster. I am literally. The natural refuge of the Montana grave. I am literally. behind a bush. I'm not behind a dumpster. I am literally... The natural refuge of the Montana grave. I am literally...

With a cluster. I am literally in a parking space. Jesus Christ. And some guy's like, you know, well, I came here to get a couple of rounds in before work, but I think I'm going to kill these faggots. I think in Butte, Montana, a drag show is when they tie a bunch of you guys

by the back of a pickup truck and bring the kids out to watch. It almost became that because he's making out with me and he's pulling my dress off and I have fucking boy underwear on underneath and there's cars going by. It was the single probably least respectable looking

I've ever been in my entire life. I've seen some of these photos on your Facebook and this sounds like a Miss Piggy porn. Oh, it really does. It's not cute. Gross. Connor could be a great drag queen, though. Oh, for sure. Absolutely. Look, we've discussed it. I've seen Connor in makeup.

When? When you were dating my roommate and it was the Halloween when she tried to make you go on drag. And I didn't do it? That shocks me. Oh, yeah, she put makeup on you, and then you freaked out and threw a tantrum. You do not remember this Halloween?

No, not at all. It was the one where you got choked out at the zombie walk. It was a real bad one. Oh, no, she put... Well, we did... We looked like zombies, though. We did zombie makeup. There was other stuff that...

You were in... I'm not going to get into this on the podcast. I think you would remember. Yeah, for our 50th episode spectacular, halfway to the 100th episode spectacular, spit roasting of Connor, we will have the appetizer. I'll do it in drag.

If we make it to 50 episodes and we start doing live shows, I'll do it in drag. It's not even just your face. You have the girliest hips. Oh, I really do. You really have effeminate Mick Jagger hips. Yeah. You have like if Mick Jagger were a Stepford Wife hips

I'm built like a tennis player like an albino Serena Williams you're like if they drained the interesting out of David Bowie I mean I think that deserved more it sure did it was good but

you know it's hard to muster up the goodwill to laugh at a good one about yourself. Oh, totally. Yeah, it's the best. You're like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good stuff. Yeah, it's pretty great.

Yeah. That is a mirror to all my flaws. Good one, boys. Good one. I'm very sad. Well, guys, I think this was another great episode of the Mean Boys Podcast. I think so, too. We thank you for listening.

We do ask you, if you have any advice that you require, please send us an email at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. Please, if you have a second, rate and subscribe on iTunes. It only takes a minute. It helps us out tremendously. We really appreciate it. Tell your friends if you think they might enjoy us. I think this is about it.

Follow the show on Twitter, at Mean Boys Podcast. Anything you boys have to add before we sign off? Yes, I would absolutely like to start plugging. On January 30th at the Ride LA Comedy Festival. Connor and I will be roast battling each other for the prestigious roast battle show. And Keith Carey will be serving as the house hater that night. So it's going to be a real mean boy fucking... They're saying it's roast battle.

This is actually Mean Boys Live at Riot Fest. It's our first live show. Yeah. Don't tell anybody. In a way, it's roast battle. This is actually Mean Boys Live at Riot Fest. It's our first live show. Yeah. Don't tell anybody. In a way, it's honestly, to me, with the three of us, it sounds like it's going to be a real Mexican joke off. It's going to be a real Mean Boys Battle Royale. I'm very excited about it.

Yeah, me too. God, it took me so long to get to that fucking reference in my head. It's going to be a real Mean Boys something good. Real Mean Boys do a punch thing. It's going to be a real humorous comparison. It's gonna be a bloop-de-bloop. Anyway, so that's what I got. Keith, can you give Pat Oswalt from eight years

ago his voice back? Alright, good one. Do we want to plug any other shows? Nobody. You don't have any because no one wants you. Fuck you. I got shows. I got shows. I'm smart. Not like everybody says. I don't have that many shows. I got shows. I'm smart. Not like everybody says. I don't have that many shows.

Guys, keep in touch with all my shows on my website, conormixpadden.com. Keep up with all my shows on my website, conormixpaddenisafaggot.com. Can't believe you got that domain from me. I let it slip for just like an hour on New Year's. You got the.org, though. GoCunty.com.

Here's our new sponsor. All right, that's. You got the.org though. GoCunty.com is our new sponsor. All right, that's enough limping through the post show. Good night, everybody. Thanks for listening.