Mean Boys - EP 40 - Social Justice Worm God (feat. Kyle Clark)

Episode Date: November 29, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Brisket Chitlins”, “Jello Biafra Goes to Sesame Street”, “New Names”, “Sliding Rock” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Guy Fieri Restaurant menu items. Follow our guest Kyle Clark on Twitter: http://twitter.com/kyleclarkisrad Follow the show on Twitter: http://twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: http://twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: http://twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Donate to Planned Parenthood (ppaction.org/donate) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by DAZN. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Haaland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on DAZN, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at DAZN.com slash FIFA.

That's D-A-Z-N.com slash FIFA. Hey, everybody. It's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. Hey. How's it going? We want to remind you that today's show is brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Check it out at EatABurrito.com. That's Mexican food that has given us a bunch of money.

Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Salute. Special announcement. The first Mean Boys live show is coming your way for the LA List of Demands Comedy Festival thingamajig. Yeah. December 5th at the Improv Space in Los Angeles, California at 6 o'clock. We'll be doing a live Mean Boys.

We'll have sketches. We'll have stand-up. We'll have the joke off and the witch of the falling. All the stuff you love. Yeah, we'll have some fun segments with a'll have the joke off, and the Witch of the Falling, all the stuff you love. Yeah, we'll have some fun segments with a little bit of a political infusion for you guys. We'll be raising money for all the organizations that are going to be fucked over

by Premier Trump. Speaking of which, first of all, please come to that show if you're in the Los Angeles area. Second of all, last week, you may have heard the Planned Parenthood sketch that we did. We were 100% serious. Please donate money to Planned Parenthood. Please donate it in the were 100% serious. Please donate money to Planned Parenthood. Please donate it in the name of one of the dumb things from Mean Boys.

Or just write some weird homophobic slurs about Mike Pence. Either of those is fine. But screen cap that. Send it to us. If we raise $100 for Planned Parenthood, we will give you some sort of bonus episode. Our goals are as modest as our Amish clothing. I don't know where I was going with that. Other than that, I think it's just the usual.

Please, if you like the show, tell a friend. You probably don't have friends, but post about it on 4chan or something. Please enjoy the rest of the shows on the Bad Audio Network. They're all great. We've got Who Cares and Politics every Sunday. We've got We Don't Think Tank, The Don't Think Tank, whatever the show's called. Tom Goss' Nonsense on Monday. Tom Goss' Think Patink on Monday. The last week's episode was fantastic.

If you ever want to hear a redneck and a sassy black woman argue about virginity, then I would highly recommend you put that in your head. That sounds like the most delicate way to describe a rape. They argued about her virginity. All right. Smoothly transitioning to ask him to review us on iTunes. That would help us out a lot. Anyway, this week we had

our guest Kyle Clark. Follow him on Twitter at KyleClarkIsRad. One of our favorites. Please enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. We're all made of stars and soon we will be again. My name's Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm the least liked employee at a guitar center.

Oh, oh, it cuts deep right off the bat. I know how to make him hurt. Kyle Clark in the studio here to show us the new Big Muff pedal. I just try to be so friendly to try to get you to buy quality TC Electronics pedals, guys. Come on. Hey, we don't need a strap. I came in here. I didn't ask for a strap.

All right? I wanted a quarter-inch cord, and I wanted to get the fuck out. You need to stop upselling me on these picks. All right, buddy? I'm excited Kyle's here because you feel like you're one of the few people I'm allowed to bully. This is like when all of a sudden the friend group gets a new fat kid, but he's also weird foreign. What's up, Cartman 2?

How are you doing? I moved up the food chain by process of elimination. How are you living? I'm living well. I'm glad to finally make my return. I know. It's been long overdue. The most demanded non-Tom Goss

recurring appearance. Which brings you 800. Yeah, you do have to fact. Tom really sets the curve quite high. Yeah. And then we always say, like, we can't have Tom in the podcast every week. We can't talk about him ad nauseum every other week. What people love in a good podcast is to talk about a guy that only some people have heard before.

Yeah. Well, especially the new listeners. Hey, guys. If you're just tuning in. Tom's a guy. You've got a lot of homework to do. All right. Hey, Kyle, what do you think of Tom? I guess Tom.

I do plan on someday making a Mean Boys course syllabus where it's like, what is the Newark County landfill? We have to have a good glossary like the fucking back of the Clockwork Orange. Exactly. Well, no, the real editions didn't have a glossary. You just had to figure it out, all right? It's true.

Yeah, that's what you had to do. You just got to slushy all the words until you start getting it. That UK cut. That's how you got to go. Have that red, red cruvies flowing down your ears. Did you guys just big time me on the fucking Clockwork Orange original pressing, you shitty 15-year-olds? Yeah, we absolutely did, all right? Because we're friends and you're just kind of around, okay?

Oh, man, how about slide back down? I like Connor because he reads books. Shut up, man. I read books 10 years ago when I was lonely. Yeah, for sure. We both have a very specific time stamp of books we read when we were 19. Yeah, man. All right, look, it's mostly about rape, but you can tell yourself it's about the government, okay?

It's a great book. It's a dystopian future. That's also the tag for this podcast. It's not a rapetopian future. Rapetopia was a great Disney movie. All right, boys. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical.

I'll start us off with something especially mediocre. Vladimir Putin has bestowed a ceremonial Russian passport to American actor Steve Seagal in the Kremlin this week. In related news, Vladimir Putin has signed his own death warrant. Why would you actor Steve Seagal in the Kremlin this week. In related news, Vladimir Putin has signed his own death warrant. Why would you give Steve Seagal a passport? I read that and I was like, are you trying to set yourself up for the plot of a Reagan-era fucking

action movie, you dummy? It sounds like you're calling him Steve, which I find really adorable. Oh yeah, man, Steve Seagal. Steve Seagal, my boy Steve. He recorded an album called Songs from the Crystal Cave. Yeah, he sure did. Have you heard of him? No, I need to listen to it. It's real shitty. It's just like dad blues rock.

Oh, no. I can't believe that. Oh, yeah. Who would have guessed Stephen Seagal not a great guitar player? It's hard to play in a karate game. Trying to use the ponytail to play. Refuses to take it off. Oh, my God. If he's like doing power strums with the ponytail, how fucking amazing would that be?

I might come back around on Seagal at that point. Okay. A judge has declared South Carolina church shooter Dylan Roof mentally competent to stand trial, while Donald Trump has declared Roof the new Secretary of Defense. Ooh, okay. I like. The country of Iceland is suing a frozen food store in the UK for also being called Iceland and confusing customers. In a similar case, bad audio podcast network is being sued by bag of shit industry. We reached out,

of course, out of it with bag of shit, bag of shit, LLC. Hey man, could not be reached for comments. We didn't lose all our subscribers when he re-synced the feed to SoundCloud. Shut up.

We're building an empire. All right. I'm the Walter White of ISIS podcast. Suck shit and die, this is rad. Go fucking peddle your Muppet stickers to your lonely nerds in the Midwest that don't have any friends in their fucking area, all right? You mean the ones that also subscribe to your podcast? Yeah, the very same. Yeah, most of our fan base.

That's the ones. Yeah, you know, we get the 25% that trickle down that don't have enough of your dumb voice to listen to every week. The listeners you have who have the money to buy your shitty products. And our juggalos who are like, yo, my burner phone can get podcast. Bad audio with LinkedIn. That's a partnership with Cricket. This podcast really should be released exclusively on burner phone. Oh, you guys are like the ski free burner phone.

Just free software. You get out the gate. Yeah, we're like audio Linux. Tom is that monster? Jill Stein is successfully crowdfunded a $3 million recount in the state of Wisconsin. Political pundits are impressed. The fourth place presidential finisher was able to raise $500,000 for each vote she got in the state. Bitch is unpopular.

Don't nobody like her. A man married his smartphone in Las Vegas. Housekeepers walking past the honeymoon suite said they heard the man saying, quote, Can you feel me now? Can you feel me now? Oh, no.

That wasn't on a lot of levels. Well, you know, the problem was that he only had an iPhone 4 dick, and it was an iPhone 6. Well, the new one doesn't come with a headphone jack, which would be a problem. Oh, I know. It's such a pain in the ass. Speaking of which, Kyle. The South Korean prime minister has been criticized for his purchase of 365 Viagra pills. It's just part of his platform to support Loving the Country a long time.

Oh, my God. I fucked it up. That was a solid seven that turned into a four because you porky pig this small. Well, yeah, Kyle, you really... You really, like, thumbed it in towards the end there. Like, you started off, like, just all full of piss and vinegar,

and then you're like, I'm sorry, can we listen to some music? Kyle Clark, the comedy equivalent of pushing rope. That's maybe my favorite David Tell line ever about erectile dysfunction. He's like, do you want to listen to some CDs? I've not been there all the time. What? Shut up.

A Florida boy called 911 to invite the police over for Thanksgiving dinner. Upon arrival, the officers gave the boy a special sheriff's badge and savagely beat the cornbread without provocation. God damn it, I couldn't get it out. It worked. A mutated pig with a penis on its forehead was born in China. In related news, Conor McSpadden has passed away from an aneurysm after rushing to come up with a Keith Carey joke. A funeral for Rhubarb Rudy and Conor McSpadden. A sad week for

the Mean Boys podcast. Keith's going to have the snake eat its own tail. Eat its own face penis. If that's not an Animal Farm Capitalism Keith Carey metaphor, I don't know what is. Get out one of those. The Vatican has launched Cinder.

Oh, wait, it's you. Sorry, I thought about Keith getting shit on and immediately assumed time. Get out wearing clothes. The Vatican has launched Cinder. Oh, wait, it's you. He just did one. Sorry, I thought about Keith getting shit on and immediately assumed it was Cinder. You know, this is why you haven't been on the podcast in six months, Kyle. It's hard to remember three people. Well, two. You scatterbrained goof. No, I can't count for two.

Hey, that's my line. There it is. Kyle, continue. Why are you just living Stockholm Syndrome? Hey, this is all I know now. Stocky home syndrome? The Vatican has launched Cinder, their confession-based app. They've also launched Cumble, an app where you can find a priest who's willing to come in your teen nubile mouth.

How was nubile the worst word in that? I also like that Kyle handwrites his Mexican joke instead of reading them off a laptop. So I just imagine him pointing down supple, crossing it out and going nubile. That's better. Wait, cinder is real? Yeah, cinder is a real thing. It's to find a place where you can go and have a confession. That's bananas.

Wow. I feel like they came up with the name and just worked backwards to figure out what it is. I feel like they fought Larry Flint for the name Cinder. There was a sword fight between him and the Pope. Yeah, well, no, no. Him and the Pope had a weird, like, Professor X Magneto, like, creep-off. In the wake of new surveillance legislation in the UK, the government will be able to access the entire Internet history of every citizen.

In related news, every single woman who works in government in England has just received a bouquet of Just Because flowers. You so special. A woman was fatally shot in a Walmart parking lot in Reno, Nevada on Black Friday. When asked why he murdered the woman, the shooter told police just to watch her die. Damn. Craft Beer Brew Dog has released a beer that is served in a taxidermied squirrel. The beer is going to be called Tom Goss' Liquid Fantasy.

Thank you, new listeners. Please tell a friend about the show so they can have a bunch of homework to do as well. Oh, my God. Fidel Castro has finally died at the age of 90. Cuba's revolutionary communist leader survived by his nine children, 300 weird tracksuits, and a significantly smaller number of his countrymen than if he'd never been born. Jesus Christ. He's got a family.

An Asian aeronautics company has debuted an airplane with square wheels. Said chief engineer Tom Goss, quote, Yeah, I don't trust circles no more. I didn't plan on it to be so Tom happy. It just happens sometimes. A man was fined for pretending to be a ghost in the graveyard recently. When we reached for comment, he said, this is bullshit. All right.

What's Ramsey doing? We need a new guest for the rest of the show. I love that. Here's what I hate about you guys, is you enable each other's fucking gross, lame sincerity, and it's starting to rub off on me because I'm in a good mood, and I'm like, oh, God, I'm fucking letting this happen. Don't worry, my last one's really going to shit the bed.

Oh, that was your last one. You can do one more. You can do one more. Because it's just long for days. Let me see if I have another shitty one I can do. I have one more as well. All right. Do you want to go around one more time, what? We can do one more. We can do one more. Okay. Because it's just long for days. Let me see if I have another shitty one I can do. I have one more as well. All right. Do you want to go around one more time?

I should do one more later. Oh, Jesus Christ. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. A Darlington, Indiana woman confessed to killing her two children so her husband couldn't take custody in the divorce. On the bright side, he's been granted full visitation rights at the Montgomery County Baby Cemetery.

Pretty straightforward. A Boston affiliate of CNN accidentally aired 30 minutes of hardcore pornography. One resident was quoted as saying, quote, Yeah, kid, I knew something was fucked up because the news wasn't that homo Van Jones crying like a bitch. And that wasn't in the main card, why? A Chinese fried chicken restaurant called Kala Chick has been getting some controversy because in Chinese, chick means prostitute. It does explain their sides menu, which includes coleslaw being called the girlfriend experience,

mashed potatoes being called the hidden cost extra, and mac and cheese being called sit backwards on my face so your butthole is on my nose. Who doesn't love family style? The Mean Boys will be right back. It's Christmas time again, everybody, and we've curated a collection of traditional American outsider art renditions of your favorite carols. Perfect for parties, family drives, or just getting in the holiday spirit.

This two-CD set features renowned freeway off-ramp singer Brisket Chitlins and his Dirty Pots and Pans Orchestra. They brought microphones to my refrigerator box, then paid me in ramen and secrets. You'll hear refreshing new takes on old standards like this. Up on the housetop, stab, stab, stab. Pry open the windows and grab, grab, grab. Experience Christmas through the eyes of the less fortunate. You know I only got one eye and I'm using the top of a barbecue sauce packet to keep the pus out of the hole.

The other one's supposed to go, Mr. Announcement. Lose yourself to the magic of song. I'm dreaming of a dead breakfast. I eat pigeons that are still alive. Where the stovetops sizzle and the roadkill gristle. Don't have salmonella no more. This Christmas, let the power of music bring people of all financial backgrounds together as one. Jingle bells, jingle bells, growing on my face.

Little children run away from me outside the store. Horse! From festive to romantic, Brisket Chitlins and his Pots and Pans Orchestra captures every holiday feeling across 40 songs on our exclusive two-disc set. Santa baby, hope is dead and love is alive. Please cry so I can know you're feeling something. Santa baby, please just let me sleep through the night. From modern to traditional, Chitlins does it all

You left your Pies outside I ate every one You left it cooling There I fucked its pie Bum You left it cooling there. I fucked its pie bum. The pie was hot and now my dick hurts a lot. The pies are mine now.

I'll shoot you with a gun. It will be fun. The pie is my wife. So order now and make this holiday season one to remember. Call 1-800-222-PAIN and order now with three easy payments of two cigarettes. And when you call right now, we will try to wash your windows and make it even worse. And stay tuned for the Mean Boys musical Christmas special coming soon. Sha-na-na-na-na-na Mean, Mean. And stay tuned for the Mean Boys musical Christmas special coming soon. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns,

and it's time to play one of our favorite games. Let's do New Names. It's time for New Names. New Names. Playing it pretty fast and loose with our favorite. Oh, yeah. One of my favorite. Well, it's my favorite because I get to watch Keith be bad at it. It's well documented that I hate this.

I love this game. I was excited because I don't think you've done that many since the last time I was on a year ago. There's a reason. I keep fighting it down. Oh, did you do new names last time? Oh, yeah, I love me some new names. Oh, pretty much every time I forget the middle segment, I'm like, oh, let's just do new names because then Keith will have to scramble and I'll just write 10 really quick. Can't do Mina Festos? I'm great

at Mina Festos. Nobody likes Mina Festos and we all know that. I love Mina Festos. Oh, I love it. I love the sound of self satisfied laughter that is Mina Festos. Yeah. Yeah. We're having a good time and that's all that counts. Oh, man, you guys are teaming up on me again like some weird shitty like positivity pop punk Voltron. Rainbow.

Alright. Yeah, all the shift leaders at Hot Topics started giving me crap. Connor, we told you to colorize the pin, and you colorized the pins, but you didn't like colorizing. I went to Hot Topic for Black Friday yesterday because I'm everything I hate. Did you get anything good? I got a very cool Dick Kennedy shirt. Hey, there you go. Very jealous.

I wish I hadn't given... I gave away all my punk rock t-shirts. It was such a fucking mistake because now I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. shirt. Hey, there you go. Very jealous. I wish I hadn't given... I gave away all my punk rock t-shirts. It was such a fucking mistake because now I'm going through like a quarter-life crisis and I'm like, how are people going to know

that I love crass? All right, everybody. This podcast, I feel like, sells that. Let's take it away. New name for No Shave November, 4chan Ramadan. New name for Molestation,

Fetish prep school. Oh, wow. Hey, that's the only good one. I would have accepted fetish grammar school, even more arcane. Dog fighting will now be called Pokemon ARF. Oh, no. Oh, that's going to hang up in the new name's rapture. Oh, ouch. Aye, aye, name's rapture. Oh, ouch.

Aye, aye, aye. All right. Well, new name for Trump's cabinet, the neckbeard super friends. New name for male feminists, woke creeps. Woke creeps. The rest of mine all follow a theme. The song Frost of the Snowman will now be called Ode to Our Dead Ice God. The most mean boy shit

I've ever heard in my fucking life. I say it in Keith's voice in my head. New name for poops, Food Ghosts. I think you've already done that one. Oh, did I? Several times. Alright, well, new name for Steve Mann in Man Boob Gerbils. Does that work?

Oh, wow. Okay. I'm pretty sure I have one in here. That's one we did in March. New name for the mannequin challenge, the White Privilege Harlem Shake. There's nothing more white than just like, we're doing nothing. Isn't that great? That is 100%. I thought these were supposed to be

bad, bro. Come on. Get it together. Shitting on someone's chest will now be called a muddy sleigh ride? Tis the season, Kyle. Wow. I went all Christmas after that dog fighting joke. My God, you're really getting into it. All right, new name for the kid who wore his backpack on the front in high school.

The only guy that buys the new Bionicles. Jesus. Oh, my God. That's such a weird double-edged sword like it's like calling him a fucking dork but you're a fucking dork for knowing that would hurt a fucking dork well i mean any anything beyond the first two bionicle generations is just is just ridiculous they left mata nui oh god i refuse to know what you idiots are talking about kyle you just like flooded back so many lonely nights. I just think of it because the only reason I know it is to make fun of it, because Bionicle happened when I was not into Legos.

Oh, yeah? I just remember going to summer camp and having Bionicle fights, and that being the only time I felt accepted until I was 19. That's real beautiful. Keith, take it away. Ariana Grande will now be known as Starbucks McCutface. All right. Shitting blood on someone's chest will be called Santa's Muddy Sleigh Ride.

I'm very mad at you. Outstanding. All right. New name for cell phones. Life rafts in our sea of self-imposed loneliness. All right. Well, how about blowjobs are called community slurpists? Is that better?

You keep hiding good ones behind shitty ones. Here's the Connor's fucking philosophy. Just have backups, you know? New name for this is rad. Theledore to our voldemort oh very old and gay that's correct just like you're right but also like yeah uh ugly sweater parties will now be called the annual basic bitch garbage person celebration all right i have one more i want to try out. And this is something that I just...

It's just something I can't shake in my mind. I'm not sure if it makes any sense to anyone else. New name for Al Gore, Prius Jeb Bush. They're the same man. They're just like swagless

and they were supposed to be president but it didn't work out. First of all, that's very good. Second of all, your voice just cracked so hard when you said

new names. New name! We talked about Bionicles and you turned 13 again. Hey guys. Natalie pitched one to me that isionicles and you turned to 13 again. Hey, guys. Natalia pitched one to me. Oh, get it. She gave you a money slayer, right?

Afterwards, when you're cuddling in the poop. She pitched me that Keith Carey will now be called Frankenstein's Vermonster. What? What? So Vermonster, this is, I had the same reaction as you. All right, that's great. Me and boys will be right back. 80 scoops of ice cream that they give you at Ben & Jerry's.

Oh, jeez. Dope. Thanks, Natalie. Oh, and a happy holiday to all our friends at This Is Rad. Have fun at Joanne's Fat Exhibition. All right, well, Mean Boys will be right back after she's done making a fucking Keith Carey voodoo doll out of old reusable grocery bags. Suck it to me. Hello.

I am Chief Soaring Eagle, head of the North Dakota chapter of the Sioux Nation. As many of you know, our people have faced persecution yet again at the hands of the white man. A proposed pipeline through Standing Rock, North Dakota, has drawn massive crowds of protesters to have stood together to prevent its construction. Thousands have stood in solidarity, from my brothers and sisters of the Sioux to white hipsters trying to earn their right to wear a native headdress at Coachella. These protesters have been brutally assaulted by police, and the conflict reached ahead over the Thanksgiving holiday as authorities turned water cannons on innocent civilians in sub-zero temperatures. Many would take these violent indignities as a sign that the battle is lost,

but not the Sioux. If we've learned anything, it's that when the white man gives you beads, make bracelets. That's why I am thrilled to announce the opening of a brand new water park, Sliding Rock. Bring the whole family for a day of aquatic fun and non-lethal warfare. We've got waiting pools for kids of all ages. Choose your

favorite, bloody or super bloody. Allergic to chlorine? Don't worry. The tears of my people provide enough salt to keep the pool tragically fresh. We've gathered up all the rubber bullets that have not been lodged deeply in the flesh of our women and children and fashioned inner tubes so that you, like the white man, can lazily drift right

past us without a care in the world. And don't miss our main attraction, the pipeline. A muddy slip and slide that ends with a 50 foot vertical drop over the edge of human decency. Whether it's from a day of slipping and sliding, or from the canisters being launched into our campsites, you're guaranteed to have a gas. Don't forget to stop by our gift hut and stock up on snacks,

t-shirts, and an impossible amount of turquoise jewelry. And each night we present our theater spectacular as we huddle around the last unshattered smartphone and watch some new government official pretend he gives a shit about us or our land. Truly the finest acting you will ever see. So don't wait. Come on out to Sliding Rock. All proceeds go towards fighting back against the oil companies and when that doesn't work, whatever is left will go towards enough whiskey to help us forget.

Sliding Rock. More fun than you can shake an impotent fist at. Hey kids, it's your pal Big Bird. Thanks for coming to see me today on Sesame Street. We're going to have a lot of fun. I want to introduce you to my new friend. He makes music for mommies and daddies. Say hello to Jello Biafra. Hello, youth of America.

It's an honor and a privilege to be a pellet sliding down your mental feeding tube. It's good to see you, Jello. Oh, I'm sure it is. And it's good to see you, the feathered yellow clown who leads the masses to the ovens in the mass media holocaust. Uh, okay. Today's show is brought to you by the letter K. You know, you can use the letter K for all kinds of

words, like kite, or kitten. Or Kymer Rouge, or kill shelter, or KKK. What's the KKK? Oh, you'll know soon enough. They've taken control of the government from inside like a virus. You might be insulated in your little urban bubble full of juice bars and yoga studios and monsters cohabitating with Puerto Ricans. But if you look at the power lines above Sesame Street, the birds perched on it are gym crows and they're coming home to roost.

Call an exorcist. Hooper's store is haunted by the ghost of Ronald Reagan. Hey, what's the big idea? I'm trying to get some sleep over here. Oh, sorry. That's Oscar. He's a real grouch. Oh, how terrible. The trash man isn't smiling enough for your perfect little world. Don't worry. I'm sure you and your kind will price him out of that garbage can soon enough. Look at Oscar, kids. You see this pile of waste he calls home. This is our final stop on the proud and glorious victory march out of Iraq. Glory, glory, hallelujah! Our veterans

sleep in the gutter and shoot dope, but at least they can tie off with those leftover yellow ribbons. Hopefully you killed enough brown people to earn yourself a blanket and a can of beans from Uncle Sam, you beautiful hero. Hey, uh, Big Bird, this guy's freaking me out. Even in a world full of monsters, the ugliest beast is still the truth.

Yeah, okay, man. Look, I'm just gonna, you know... Uh, well, thanks for coming, Jello. See you next time. You're not trying to get rid of me, are you? I'm having a great time. Let's meet some more of your friends. Hello!

Me am Cookie Monster. Me like Jello, but me love cookie. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Behold, the great fatted calf. C is for cookies. D is for diabetes. The best way to keep the masses from standing against you is to gorge them until they cannot stand at all.

The sugar industry hooks children the same as coke dealers. The first hits free, but it's a matter of time before you're sucking a dick just for a taste of the white stuff. Whether it's up your nose or through your mouth, the party will end and disco will kill us all. But me have oatmeal and raisin. Me thought it healthy. Who's this now? I am the Count, blah. Fascinating. On most television shows, the vampires are behind the cameras. I have all of these seashells. I will count them now.

One, one seashell. Ah, ah, ah. Two, two seashells. Ah, ah, ah. Three, three seashells. Ah, ah, ah. Here's some numbers for you. Count 2,996.

2,996 people died on 9-11. 1,140. 1,140 first responders are now dying of cancer inhaling the ash of the World Trade Center and those who burned inside of it.

Zero efforts have been made to aid them by the federal government as they choke on the ashes of the capitalistic empire that feeds them. Ha ha ha. Come on, man. I'm trying to do a thing, blah. Yeah, we all love math until it upsets us, don't we? Then it's easier to hide behind platitudes and tiny flags in our front yards. You're a dick. One. You only made one good album.

Ah, ah, ah. Now come on, Count. Be nice. No, fuck this shit. I'm out, blah. You can't swear, Count. Like fuck I can't. We're on HBO now. Suck my dick. I mean, whatever, man. Here's another thing I guess. La la la la. La la la la.

Where are you? Get away. No! Jell-O's world. Jell-O hates the government and the pigs too. This is Jell-O's World! Jell-O hates the government and the pigs too! This is Jell-O's World! Alright everybody, the Mean Boys Podcast returns. It's time to close out the show as we always do with a round of our favorite game, Witch of the following yeah sure uh okay our game that we get less and less excited about your favorite game because it's

the first one people started sending you so you didn't have to work on hey man i mean we've we've done it every single uh episode i think every episode except for the bonus episodes. It's a proud tradition. It's like how the Killers always play Mr. Brightside at all their shows. Isn't that a thing? I mean, I would imagine so. It's like the one song that people remember. No, I'm pretty sure they had a thing where they always play one song at their shows.

I'm pretty sure it's Mr. Brightside. Oh, neat. I was hoping it'd be like Smiley. 2008 was a difficult time for me. God, that album was good. It's shocking that that record's good when the rest of their music is so terrible. I actually...

I really love The Killers. I like them, too, but they're one of the... It's like a Lady Gaga situation where the first album's solid gold, and then the rest of the other albums are a shell of their former self, but there's one really great song.

Fully agree. See, I think Sam's Town is the better album. Really? Yeah. I need to revisit it, but it's always like Lady Gaga... The fame is just every single song is a hit single, and after that you just get bad romance, applause, and then the fucking perfect delusion is all right, I guess.

She gets like one good song for album after that. We are really on the same page about Lady Gaga's career. Hey, here's the thing. If you don't like Lady Gaga's first album, you don't like fun, and I don't like you. All right? That's a very simple fact. I had some ideas about where this show would go today. Not one of them was into a dissection of Lady Gaga.

All right. I mean, you assumed we would have pulled our dicks out as we did it, which we did do. So the prophecy still came true. Seguing seamlessly into which of the following is not a real Guy Fieri menu item. Oh, fuck yeah. If this doesn't get you excited. This is the first game I've written in a long time. I am so excited.

And listeners, please, if you have anything that you're an expert on, anything weird you want to send us, which of the following game, we love to get them. I'm a little behind on the emails. I'm going to go through and look through all of them, catalog everything. So please keep sending us shit. There are other games you want us to play. We have some other fun listener games. So we love you and we appreciate it a lot.

Let's play which is the following game. It's not a real game. I'll get your menu out. Question number one. A, mac and cheese hush puppies. B, dynamite shrimp. C, deep dishish Cookie Dough Pie. Or D, Traffic Jam Loaded Potato Scans.

Oh, man. Dynamite Shrimp is that band that did the Terrible Boys in the Hood cover. That is a joke for two people, and they're both in the room. Hey, man, those K-Rock Staples from the early 2000s. My God. That and that one face. K-Rock Staples, is early 2000s. My God. That and that one face. K-Rock staples. Is that where you go Xerox all the flyers for your bands that no one comes to?

Pennywise just works there. Gosh, I'm going to say the Traffic Jam one is so stupid that I feel like it has to be real. I'm going to say Deep Dish Cookie Pie or whatever it was. Kyle Clark. I'm torn because that definitely sounds like the one that that seems like a viable food but it also describes the food in a way specific yeah i like that the the guy fury uh dissection involves the phrase viable food as though like you know like you've created this flying craft for your engineering final mr clark and it does not seem viable it seems as though it it is just the head from the Frank and Christ album

with a set of bad wings on it. I'm torn between C and D, but I think I'm also going to have to go C. The fake Guy Fieri menu item is D, traffic jam loaded potatoes. It's a traffic jam of flavor in your mouth, guys. It's a 12-car pileup with chives, sour cream, cheddar, pepper

jack, onions. My assumption was that it was a baked potato that's a dessert baked potato filled with jam. Oh, Kyle, that sounds fucking awful. But the plate that also has the toy car on the plate. By the way, if it helps, I'll give you guys a little hint. You have to eat the car. Most of these items come from his two signature restaurants, Tex Wasabi's, which is a barbecue sushi fusion, and Johnny Garlic's, which is exactly as fucking dumb as Johnny garlics or which is the one that has donkey sauce.

Although it could be a question. So I think that's a guy's closet. Wait, did you dip into the guy Fieri like restaurant in time square? I looked at every guy Fieri restaurant. Yes. Okay. There's a New York times review of that.

That's one of the funniest pieces of journalism I've ever read. Also sold. Oh, really wanting to go there. Yeah. because it's literally just him like questioning like the concept of a loving god after like going to this restaurant yeah uh the funniest part about me preparing this game is i was doing it last night and like there's a girl that was like come back to bed and i was like i gotta look at these weird fucking cheesy poppers all right give me like 10 more minutes i'm almost done like done. Like some kind of weird fucking Albert Einstein working into the night.

Like the cop who can't get off the cake. I'm like, no, I'm so close. I just gotta find something with onions and chocolate sauce. It's the scene in Annie Hall where he's breaking down the Kennedy assassination and the girl wants to fuck him. And he's like, no, no, I gotta reread the Warren Report. Your Warren Report is Guy Fieri's menu item. Speaking of which, A, Dragon's Breath Chili Nachos. B, Safari Shrimp Poppers.

C, Tuna Tots. Or D, Onion's Cajun Chicken Sandwich. Did you say Tuna Tots? I sure did. That's for sure like Mermaid Child Porn. I would legitimately order some Tuna Tots if they're what I think

they are, which is like deep fried tuna salad. That sounds kind of good. Yeah, okay. You guys want to eat all of this and you can't pretend like you fucking do it. Yeah, that's true. Still fat. I think my problem is I can no longer judge shitty chain restaurants because I went to go ironically eat at a Toby Keith's. I love this bar and grill and it's one

of the best restaurant experiences I've ever had. Oh, really? It was in Vegas and I was like, oh, this will be dumb and we can drink in the morning. And then instead it was just great. There was one of those in one of my hometown malls in Rancho Cucamonga and I just would walk past and it was always so empty and I felt bad.

I was like, wow. I should go in. It's quality. And by the end you walk out going, if this piece of shit can be a multi-platinum star, this fat, beardy fuck, I think I could go make a go at country music. My mom took my Batman comics while I was at camp. Oh, my God. Okay, what was the first and second ones again?

Dragon's Breath Chili Nachos and Safari Shrimp Poppers. I'm going to say... I'm going with D. I'm going to go with A, the Dragon's Breath. The fake one is B, Safari Shrimp Poppers. Really? Yep. Oh, that sounds so real.

Yeah, guys. Wouldn't it be a safari flavor in your mouth? I love these. An off-road ride through flavor country. Not only have you made them up, but you've written ad copy for each of the fake ones. I sure have. These poppers will also loosen your anus to the point of devastation. All right.

Number three. Which of the following is an real Guy Fieri menu item? A. Pork crackling ramen burrito. B. Motley Q ribs. C. Cherry cola barbecue duck pizza.

Or D. Ugly fries. I'm pretty confident Motley Q is real. Oh, yeah? I feel like I've seen that somewhere. I could be wrong. I'm between Motley Q and real. Oh, yeah? I feel like I've seen that somewhere. I could be wrong, but... I'm between Motley Q and Ugly Fries as being the fake one. I'm going to go with Ugly Fries because I feel like that's a thing that you can get at other restaurants.

But that fucking soda duck pizza has to be real. If you made that up, you have... I don't care if I win points or not. I just need to live in a universe where that's a thing I can go get. I think we can conclude that no matter how this game pans out, Guy Fieri needs to give me a job. I'm going to say Crackle Ramen Burrito Fuckface. All right, gentlemen. The fake one is A, the Pork Crackling Ramen Burrito.

It would be a burrito made out of pork cracklings and ramen. That sounds delicious. Oh, this sounds so good. I know. I'm reading the shit. I'm like, this all just sounds just like carby and greasy and delightful. Can we go eat some garbage after this?

Yeah, guys, let's do that. We should celebrate ourselves for a wasted afternoon of broadcasting garbage into the void. Like, hey,

19 creeps, how do you guys like these fucking handcrafted, artisanally carved racist puns? These trash in, trash out.

Are these helping you get through your shift at the warehouse in fuckface Nebraska. The next time you guys do a t-shirt, on the front it says the Mean Boys podcast. On the back it says handcrafted artisanal racist puns. Just in the most filigree-filled calligraphy you can find. Alright, question number four. All sushi roll edition. This is from Tex Wasabi's. A, the Screamin' Gobbler roll.

B, the Dirty Magazine roll. C, the Jackass roll. Or D, the Flying Pig roll. I'm going to go with the Jackass roll. Those first two are a little over. I'm Guy Fieri and this is the Jackass roll. Bow, bow, bow. Fuck this dude's hair. I'm Guy Fieri and this is the jackass roll. Fuck this dude's hair.

I'm going to say B. B? What did you say, Kyle? C. Well, suck shit. It's the flying pig roll. What? Preposterous.

You should just work here. In my mind. You just created real things. In my mind, it's like a sushi roll that has both pork and chicken in it. I imagined it's just a roll that has a pig nose and pig tail. So it's served to you like a Hawaiian pig, but it's a sushi roll in the middle. God, that sounds gross and good. All of this is making me feel like we have to step up whatever the Karnak Asada burrito is.

Yeah, seriously. We've got to add some fucking weird seaweed or something. What's in the Karnak Asada burrito? We don't know. I've not been down to Estee yet to order it. You know what? We realized we designed the burrito on the porch, and we never forwarded the specifications

to the good folks over at Don Carlos, by whom the Mean Boys podcast is proudly sponsored. Please go to eataburrito.com for more information. That's a good get for them on a URL. Hey, guys, we'll send you a Facebook message soon. Yeah. All right, number five. Can I have a drumroll, please? This is all real

or all fake. Which of the following? A. Sticky walnut trim sliders. B. Hot rod fries. C. God damn it. God damn you to hell. Either you or Guy Fieri are a piece of shit. They all just sound like a fat, gay

sex movie. Hot rod fries. extra donkey sauce. Hey, wait till you hear number C, the dill pickle onion ring tower. I would order that. You guys would love that. I would have like a little cup of fucking, I don't know what it has. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not. Got a white trash eye of Sauron at the top.

All right, and D, the pepper jack pizza tots. I got to say all real. Hang on, look at his face. You got to say all real. All right. Hang on. Look at his face. You've been too good at this so far. I'm saying all fake. Kyle's saying all real?

I now know that you for sure made all these up, but I'm going to stand by and say all real because I can dare to dream. All right. Well, unfortunately, they're all fake, but my email is just my full name at Gmail. If you'd like to drop me a line and discuss some business opportunities with me. We'll give you a fucking diners, drive-ins, and whatever podcast on the Bad Audio Network. Fucking diners, drive-ins, and unplugged USB cords.

All right, gang. Well, that's the show for this week. We do have a question from the mailbag. Jordan Wood, who sent us a wonderful depiction of the Spider King, which you can see on our Twitter, at Mean Boys Podcast. Please follow us at your leisure. If you were sucked into Carnock's fantasy dimension, what character class would you fall into?

I would go with a chaotic evil. Because at that point, that's the dimension. No, the answer, Kyle, is you would be half bard, half poet. Oh, I was thinking alignment, not character class. My bad. Oh, yeah. All of you would be dead! Oh, hey, half poet. Oh, I was thinking alignment, not character class. My bad. Oh, yeah. All of you would be dead!

Oh, hey, Karnak. Didn't see you come in. I forgot my hat last time I was here. Oh, really? That cool pork pie hat. That's the one! Must have been such a hassle commuting back from your home dimension

after that complex banishment spell we did a couple episodes back. It feels like it would have been easier to buy a new one. Did you stay in town for the funeral a little bit afterwards? Oh, yeah. I guess I did. Did you see the sights at all?

Go around L.A.? Uh, no. You should maybe check out the Getty. I feel like there's some, like, you know, some medieval paintings that might be able to, you know. Oh, yeah, and then you could have a picnic, Karnak. You'd love it. Yeah, it's great. That seems like a thing I'd be into.

Everything about what I've done has said this man loves picnics. I mean, Karnak, think about it, though. Just like a nice winter sangria. I don't totally know what that is. Is that one of Will Smith's kids? Yes. Winter sangria is the princess of the ice dimension. It was fun watching everybody in the room see that grenade go.

I'm going to dive on it. All right. Well, I'll let you go, Karnak. Okay uh is rotting christ a class i can be in that dimension what's rotting christ i just mean like a a version of christ that is a rotting zombie walking along the karnak dimension i just came back real quick to say yes that's amazing and now i'm leaving yeah that sounds sick as fuck like a tore open face but like the of thorns, but you're also like on fire a little. On fire a little? Yeah, I recently prestige clashed to a slacktivist.

Yeah, I've been like DDoSing my school's message boards so I don't have to show up. It's pretty tight. Social justice worm god. Well, we have an episode. Oh, social justice worm god. There an episode. Social Justice Worm God. There you go. On the 11th hour. All right, guys.

Anyone have anything they want to plug coming up? Yeah, sure. I'll go. I'm at KyleClarkIsRad on Instagram and Twitter. And then my podcast, This Is Rad, that we've had you guys all on for a King of the Hill episode. Keith's been on. We're trying to get you on for a good... We're trying to figure out what about your past life

you're willing to talk about. Very little. Yeah, and then I just had an album come out called I'm a Person that's available everywhere where music streams, and then you can get hard copies of it on astoymerchandise.com. And you can get soft copies of it if you feed Kyle a couple whiskeys. Keith Carey?

I'll be roast patting Tom Goss December 6th at the Comedy Store. I've heard both their jokes. Holy fuck, you need to be there. Also, we should plug, we're going to be doing the first ever live Mean Boys show. December 5th at the Improv Space in Westwood at 6 o'clock as part of the List of Demands Comedy Festival. This is a festival raising money for a bunch of organizations that are going to be hella fucked now that Donald Trump won. So we're going to be doing some cool stuff.

We don't know exactly what it's going to be yet, but there will be guests and shenanigans. And look, if you guys want to call us heroes, we appreciate it. But the correct term is saviors. I just think it's going to be weird watching the ACLU give back the money after they listen to the episode. It was nice to see the list of messages when we were booked where it was like, cool, awesome. That's going to be problematic. It's a conflict of interest.

I will be at Flappers in Claremont next weekend, and then after that I will be at Laughs Comedy Cafe in Tucson, Arizona. That's one of my favorite comedy clubs to play at. It's been there since the 80s. It's in a little strip mall. It's a tiny little black box full of magical laughter and wonderment, and from there I will be careening across

the forgotten parts of this great nation with Tom Goss yelling at him in gas stations. So check my website for more details. Oh, I got one more. I got two shows on the San Francisco Comedy Festival in January. On January 21st, I've got two shows around town. So if you're in the San Francisco area in January, it's the night before my

30th birthday. So come fucking explain to me that death is coming. Kyle, I gotta tell you, you're one of our favorite guests. We gotta have you back soon. I finally get to let all the darkness out that I otherwise have to quell. Purge! Purge! Purge! Purge! You're having like your negativity

period. Your uterine lining is shedding and you've just leaked out all over. It's full of skeleton ghosts and monsters from Doom. We've got a soaked audio tampon for your consume for your fucking enjoyment uh all right guys fuck everything god is dead We'll see you next time.