Mean Boys - EP 42 - Loose Arabian Groceries (Live feat. Anna Valenzuela & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week's episode was recorded live at The Improv Space in Westwood on December 5th. Our segments this week include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Tom Lightning Round”, “Mark Malloy”, “Carnok”, “The Emotional Dunk Tank” and a game of “Which of the Following” with right wing preacher quotes. Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Follow our guest Anna Valenzuela on Twitter: twitter.com/annavisfun Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Donate to Planned Parenthood (ppaction.org/donate) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm recording this hastily outside of Starbucks in rural Oklahoma, letting you know that this is our very first live episode that we're releasing for you today. The audio is, you know, it's not exactly amazing, but you can hear everybody. It was a really fun show. We had a lot of fantastic guests on. We had Ramsey Bedawi, Tom Goss, Anna Valenzuela, I think somebody else I'm forgetting, Mark Molloy stops by, so I just want to let you know that this is a live episode, we taped it at the Improv Space in Los Angeles a couple weeks back, we're dropping it while me and Tom are on the road and we're not able to record an episode in the studio, but it was a lot of fun, we did it for the List of Demands Comedy Festival in LA, raising money for all the marginalized people that will be affected by the Trump administration, so that was, uh, that was neat, and, uh, it's, uh, it was a ton of fun, we really hope you enjoy it, and, uh, yeah, I don't

know, fucking, I'm cold, deal with it. Wretched pig children, tremble in terror at the voice of Karnak the Bloodfeaster, Dark Lord of Hell Most Foul, Undisputed Commander of the Million Demon Army, Consumer of Virgin Flesh. I am currently trapped in a dominion of fire and knives, or as I call it, Home Sweet Home. But in my stead, a usurper has arisen. The fruit leather clown, Trump, has laid claim to my throne. And that will not stand. I will sodomize Trump's skull until his ears leak my infernal seed.

Aid me in my quest. Surrender all your golden spices to the donation bucket on your way out. That we may beat back his cowardly efforts. Give willingly and earn a seat of honor at my feasting table. Be stingy and I will burn your village and salt the earth! I must away to make plans for my return to the earth realm, but you will now supply your feeble human applause for my dark heralds, Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden, the Mean Boys! What's up everybody?

Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast everybody I'm Connor Spadden I'm Keith Carey And this was a bad idea We're here to weekend at Bernie's The corpse of art itself. My God, I cannot tell you how dumb it feels having recorded that this afternoon and been like, 72 people said they were coming on Facebook.

Hey guys, if it makes you feel any better, it took like 30 minutes. I'll put that on the table over there. Yeah, sure. A high quality process we have going here. We're recording on Connor's phone. Yeah, this. A high quality process we have going here. We're recording on Connor's phone. Yeah, this oh, man. You guys are all seated like this is like a jerk-off

theater. What's the most possible distance I can get between me and that guy's elbow so we don't have some kind of weird fucking standoff? The important thing is that nobody who came to this show came with a friend. And that is the least you can do.

This is the audience for this podcast. Just five people alone in a dark theater all polishing a different gun to hurt somebody they love. All right, well, along with the first meeting of the Let's Kill the President Club. Yeah, no, we've got a full house of listeners at home. We just didn't mic the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't even worry about it, the audience.

Alright, guys. Well, I think everyone's just revved up and ready to go. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off, shall we? It's coming. Oh, we got it. That'd be cool. It's worth it.

Did that even work? Yeah, it worked, I know. was that even worth it? yeah it worked did that even work? alright fuck you I'll see you at the break what is that? some other stuff

don't worry I'm gonna move the table with the fucking H4N closer to us so that we can remember this in better detail by the way

I wanna say that me and Keith Carey did a corporate gig where we had to roast a company Christmas party dressed as Santa Claus and an elf, and that went better than this is going to. That was the worst show anyone's ever... We'll be releasing that for anybody who follows the podcast. Oh, yeah.

Well, we've got a big grassroots meeting of our supporters here. All right. Do we want to get into the joke, Al? I think we should. All right. I'll go first. Minnesota's Mall of America hired their first ever black Santa Claus.

Local residents are shocked with one saying, quote, when did Minnesota get a black person? All right, some tepid chuckles for a tepid joke. Right out of the gates. By the way, the episode that's coming out tomorrow, this is the second black Santa joke I've heard Keith do in 48 hours. And it will not be the last!

Walmart has changed their company policy to include insurance for transgender employees. The company estimates this change will provide health care for approximately 19 people across the country. If you're trans and you work at Walmart, do any transgender people work at any Walmart? Well, no, because they just catch fire

when they walk in like a vampire in a church. Or us at a well-attended comedy show. Am I right, everybody? By the way, I did a comedy club last... Bro, do not make that the fucking rim shot of this podcast. My fucking jingle I recorded fucking 11 months ago. I ain't so overly optimistic. By the way, me saying isotopical is recorded on the same fucking iPhone voice memo.

So we've really come full circle here this evening. No, I did a show at a comedy club. The door guy, who I know, goes up to me and says, this is going to be a great show. This is just your kind of crowd. I walk in, nine people. He's like, yeah, you're the best we have for nine person crowds. You call himden, lord of

failure. That's where my fucking career's at. Alright, is it, uh, it's my turn, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A Russian spaceship exploded shortly after liftoff. When reached for comment, the head of the Russian space program said, quote, in Soviet Russia, a rocket launches you. No one say anything?

They were counting landmines. Ah! Oh! No one say anything? They were counting letters. Why did we make a show that heckles itself and had real headlets? What did we think would happen? Boy, oh boy, is this the election? That was Russian hack. I'm trying to save it. Let it die, Gary!

Let it die! Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has become the first Japanese leader to visit Pearl Harbor. In a similar story, Keith Kerry has finally returned to the hometown buffet in Anaheim. A place where your people have caused rampant destruction.

Two million pounds of undercooked chicken was recalled by the FDA. Meanwhile, 185 pounds of undercooked chicken is currently co-hosting the show. I started pointing to myself as soon as I heard undercooked chicken. I will Google just rancid white people food

news every once in a while and just see what comes up to write jokes for Connor. I wasn't going to do this one, but a translucent sea-dwelling invertebrate has resurfaced over a hundred years after it was first described by scientists. Researchers say they are excited to study

this new creature and for Keith Carey to be reunited with his dumb grandpa. Pay no attention to the fat guy behind the curtain. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Former NFL player Joe McKnight was fatally shot this week. Authorities are hoping to gather evidence by watching the instant replay cam, sponsored by Taco Bell's Doritos

Longo Tacos. Oh, man. I miss Joe. Anyway. Russian members of parliament are trying to ban the video game FIFA 17 unless it removes, quote, elements of alleged gay propaganda. The game's creators are trying to comply, but are saying it's hard making a soccer game when you have to take out all the fucking soccer.

Soccer's gay. At least 36 people are dead and dozens more missing after a fire broke out in an Oakland rave. Police say they will search for two more days, but if they don't find any bodies, they'll be forced to drop the case. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, what too short song haven't I heard?

It's a drop the bass reference. What's the drop? What's the reference? Hey guys, remember when I called Connor a lot of chicken? Man, we was just kids then. And you guys tried slightly harder to feign enthusiasm

than you did for his drop the bass riff? Yeah, well, do your fucking thing. I like having an audience because usually I have to be nice to Keith because he's the only one here to laugh at this, but now I can just be as shitty as I want. I'm playing to you guys, four people. A bout of food poisoning at an American restaurant in Hong Kong has left one dead and nearly 50 gravely ill. Health inspectors are unsure of the cause of the outbreak, but they're operating under the theory that someone

wouldn't pee-pee in their Coke. That's the kind of highbrow humor that I was holding over Keith's head. Yeah, that was worth getting yelled at for five minutes. I'm sorry. These people came to see a show, and I think that we might not have the most fancy comedy production right now. We can certainly do some shitty Stadler and Waldorf for the people in the crowd.

Well, in keeping with Mean Boys tradition, that Mexican joke-off was, you know, fine. Do you have one more? No, that's all mine. I don't have any more good ones. Should I do a bad one? I mean, you already did four of them. Let me see the worst one I have here.

Okay, this one's real. You guys, this is a special treat for everybody. The Virgin Galactic spaceship has landed safely in Mojave, California. Steve Bannon said he was very pleased with his mission to the outer limits of Earth's atmosphere. He don't fuck. Alright, well that was the opening of the show.

Alright, you guys ready? Alright. Alright, you're the? We... Alright. You're the new official sound guy. You're fucking... What are you doing most Sunday nights in Echo Park? You're coming with us. You glorious piece of shit. Should we bring up the first comic?

I think we should. This first comedian is one of the people that was available to do this. He's a guy I've known for too long. Everyone, please, clap your hands right now. Give it up for Ramsey Bedali, everybody! Great work! Taylor Rosenberg, everybody!

Welcome back to the Satanist Garbage Fire. By the way, Connor was outside for this. This man confessed to being a Mean Boys fan realized what that meant and then like backpedaled

he was like hey I'm just a fan of life man I don't want to end up on some kind of list bro well thank you for your service somehow

only person here had it with me okay yeah of course because like we see him on Twitter or whatever and I'm like

oh of course it's just a dude with In-N-Out that's wearing pants that match his fucking sweatshirt i still gotta like like depress logan's run fast food commando all right sorry man hey what the fuck did you you're getting the most personalized podcast experience this man for sure does not know what this show is. I have no idea. Is this it? Yeah, this is probably it. We got the gist.

Is this it? Oh, man. If there's anything that will make you feel more impotent while you're doing a live performance. Is this it? Be right back. I'm just staring in the middle of the distance and hear a sound of silence in my head. Yeah, for the listeners at home, he looks a little bit like if the singer from Smash Mouth was homeless for like three weeks. So the singer from Smash Mouth.

Not a long time, recently homeless. All right, so we have a segment from early in the History of the Mean Boys podcast called the emotional dunk tank that we used to do. Just go ahead and play the same jingle that doesn't work, bro. Sure. Nice, okay. And we were tired of this segment for a while, but we decided to bring it back because we found people reprehensible enough that we just want to be shitty to them. We are going to be roasting Donald Trump and pretty much his entire cabinet so far. And we have a special guest coming us out with this segment. You can catch him this January on Road to Roast Battle on Comedy Central.

It's not important who won the fight between me and her. Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Valenzuela! I won, fuckers! I won! I love that we didn't run into Karen Sonderwall, one of the most violently aggressive-faced people in the entire business. And congratulations

on finding a way to make yourself less likable somehow with that introduction. I did a thing for once in my life! on finding a way to make yourself less likable somehow with that introduction. Hey, you know what? I got to take it back again. I did a thing for once in my life. Here's the deal. I also have a podcast on their network. You wouldn't know it because Motherfucker keeps losing my commercials.

So it's all okay. Yeah, that's why they're not listening in. Sit down. You're my host now. I just put your commercial in the fucking Star Quarterbacks podcast. Tom Goss, the man that everyone's... Tom Goss. You man that everyone's...

So our original plan was to run this through the TV. Then we realized that none of us had actually done any planning, and that's not feasible and possible. So we're going to put up some pictures on the laptop. Do your best to see them, but you know who these people are. Let's go to the first one, shall we? Oh, this guy. Let's start there.

You guys know this guy. Can we all acknowledge that it's depressing that our president's biggest credit might not have raped a 13-year-old? I mean, it's better than losing on roast battle, but whatever. Remember when I beat you? Anyway, I'll see you on Valentine's Day. Oh, man. Hannah, your thoughts? Well, here's the thing with Trump. He looks, your thoughts? Well, he sort of...

Here's the thing with Trump. He looks like Clinton's labia, doesn't he? It's like we elected both of them. It's fantastic. He's so jowly, I want to go down on his face. I feel like Clinton would have, like,

dremeled down her clitoris just to make herself stronger. Like, I will not be influenced by pleasure. You will not sway the Clinton Oh fuck me for trying to run. Why don't we elect the ghost of Robert Redford to the highest? Well, he looks like an owl that like spent way too long on the same power line. People are concerned about where his hair begins and ends. I get every picture of his neck.

I'm just doing five different things that it hasn't done in the last picture I saw. Him and George Lucas are sharing a neck, and that's truly upsetting. All right. Let's move on. Oh, this guy. You guys know this guy. You didn't know him. He's a wacky character. Mike Pence has had a long career in politics ever since he was the mayor of that town where dancing is illegal.

By the way, I'm really glad I found the photo of him where he is doing the parade princess wave. He looks like Ku Klux Klan's Benny Hopkins. Basically, what if Anderson Cooper stayed in the closet? It looks like Ku Klux Klan Benny Hopkins. Basically, what if Anderson Cooper stayed in the closet? Anna, thoughts? Just fuck this guy. I actually wrote when I...

None of the writing I did helped me prepare for this moment. I'm so sorry, gentlemen. I wonder why I keep losing your ads. This electric personality Mike Pence looks like a racist dad's racist dad he looks like man in the high castle king of the hill fucking douche bag Keith I'm a little offended

me and Anna were about to have one of our classics starts out as a joke and then turns into a real fight fight he's keeping it a show! Can we acknowledge that Trump-pence sounds like old British money? Oh, trumpets. Trumpets. Trumpets. See the birds? Trumpets a-peg.

Freudian slip. He's for sure gay. Yeah, like little Keithland Carey would drop a trumpets in a glory hole in fucking all over West Country. Coin-operated glory holes do you think exist? Oh, I forgot it was just all the fucking spirit of giving. Steve Bannon. You know this guy. Steve Bannon, if you don't know him, it's Gurgles. That's just our Gurgles now.

Yeah, he always has resting all lives matter face, which I enjoy. He has resting I just got served with divorce paper face. This is like if Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries kept doing heroin. You can tell he was adorable at one point, but now it's just been beaten out of him. Breitbart published an article saying that women who take birth control are uglier and fatter. He also said some incorrect things. But what I'm saying is he looks like that's true to him because he's never seen a woman's

fucking orgasm face. He looks like Aaron Sorkin got stung by all the bees. Guys, I just realized this right away. Can we start a feminist news outlet called Bright Lisa? No. We sure can.

Even they could. Bright Lisa. Newark County Landfill. That's your line, Lee. We got a Newark County from the back as well. We're turning on each other. There we go. This is turning into the piranha tank.

He looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman, but like now. All right. Proceed. Let's keep it going. Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Look, I gotta be honest. I feel like I get why Republicans are racist. This is the only black person they've ever met.

If that's your only sample size, not a fan. You know what I mean? Wasn't his campaign slogan, the rent is too damn high? No, that was a different black person. I know, I was going to make a joke, but thanks for fucking it. Anna needs to go write

Herman Cain fan fiction. Also a different black person. I know, that was the joke. We're very funny. Can we just focus on Puff Brand Annie here? Shut up, Keith. Me and my friend are trying to host a joke. We're very funny. Can we just focus on Puff Brand Annie here? Shut up, Keith. Me and my friend are trying to host a podcast. Anyway. I'm talking about Ben Carson or Donald Trump calls him the N-word.

He's for sure like Secretary of Housing and Urban Development because Trump heard the word urban and this is the only black guy he knows that he's not paying hush money to because he's this illegitimate kid. The only urban development he's done was when his one ball slid down his leg

at 23. Oh no. What a haunting memory. For those who's at home the woman who said that is dressed like a children's library.

Ben Carson has a face that says what's a library? He's a big Second Amendment supporter, but I think that's just because that's the highest he can count. He's dumb. That's the line? Yeah.

All right, cool. Moving on. Sarah Palin, Secretary of Veterans Affairs. Okay, hang on. That's not a real question. That's a real question. That's Lisa Ann. I'm seven years old.

You know, the prime audience for porn. The funniest thing is the first joke I wrote was Sarah Palin is the only person who looks more like she does porn than the porn version of her. She got porn hair, man. She got porn hair. And she can suck a tie his dick from a helicopter flying over Alaska. I can see that load from my house. She's beginning to look and sound

just like Mel Gibson. That's very true, yeah. I thought we were done with it, but she just got named Secretary of Washing a Car in a white snake video. I'm just going to say the problem I've really had is like, she has a mentally disabled kid, and part of me is like, well I could probably do something with that. And then part of me is like, oh that's bad. And then I remember he has her blood and I'm like,

oh God did this to you for a reason. Oh my, he's in Alaska, and I'm like, oh, God did this to you for a reason. He's in Alaska. How would he ever know he's regarded him as someone called him? He's still going to have to teach her to read. Yeah, and I don't know if you've seen him. His head looks like Alaska. It's just like one feet, and it's like up on the side of where all the good heads are, you know, like that's the Canada. I didn't prepare for this.

All right, and finally, Mitt Romney, Secretary of Cuppledry. I was just going to say. And Chuckie Twist, Mr. Fantastic, is joining forces with Dr. Do. Guys, has anyone ever seen Mitt Romney and John Kerry in the same place before, is my question. They're all just like meek losers that like shuffled off into obscurity. They're the same guy, right? Yeah, they're each party's just sad, incompetent uncle just drinking his fucking obscurity. Yeah, they're the two sides of the Anis Valenzuela political coin.

Oh yeah, I thought that, yeah. I thought it meant like you're sad and unwanted, but yeah, you could probably fuck him as well. He looks like a Lego man that doesn't trust Persians. They're building their own place at the heart. By the way, how is John Kerry the second least fuckable Kerry we've talked about this entire evening?

I'm not sure if the grammar checked out on that, but you knew what I was going to say it was verbal jazz you got the point across saxophone of your words this guy looks so much like bruce campbell i can't deal with that yeah okay good but i figured we had i also ever his boomstick yeah he's right from the necronomicon and trump came out and now he hasn't spent the night in a spooky cabin haunted by the alt-right yeah i always love his he has like spend the night in a spooky cabin haunted by the alt-right. Yeah, I always love his, he has like, his face is always no matter what picture you find of him, he's just like,

yeah, I'm sorry about me too. I'm better. Man, my bad. Get rid of me. Eh. Oh, man. Well, I think we've tapped out the emotional dunk tank. Anna, leave. Anna, Anna, one more time

real quick also here at the 12 question podcast on the bad audio network she hosts that me and the other interesting meat boy that used to be on the show have both done it as well so check that out we have one more stand up comedian to bring up for you tonight.

You guys know this man from Haunting Your Dreams and possibly Your Garage and stealing things from you. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Goss! Woo! So you guys listen to the podcast, right? Yeah?

All right. Who here does not know, makes a noise if you don't know, the lightning round? Everyone knows the lightning round? Would you guys like to raise your hands and we'll play the lightning round? You guys want to do a live lightning round right now? All right. If you got someone, raise your hands. I know I'm putting you guys on the spot.

Do I get a... Anything, anything. Explain the lightning round. Explain the lightning... Okay, that's the great first lightning round. Basically, you guys are going to throw out a word or an idea. I guess ideas are made out of words. But just throw out something,

and I've got to explain it as quickly and briefly as possible, and you can tell me whether or not I'm accurate. This is an example. Connor first gave, he said ketchup, and I said biscuit gravy. And that's how this whole nightmare starts. So any food, any... Porcupine. Porcupines.

Stickypossums. Whistling. What's that? Whistling. Whistling. Annoying music. Whistling. What's that? Whistling. Whistling. Annoying music. Polyester. I don't know what that is.

Cotton. Cotton. Slave shirts. Ghosts. White. Ghosts. Ghosts. Oh, fuck.

Death smoke. Apple Watch. Apple Watch. Rich, poor time thing. I don't know. Is that for rich people? Is it for poor people? I don't understand that whole...

Australia. Australia. Sad England. Mopay. cold. Australia. Australia. Sad England. Moped. Ridgeford Ridgeford. Moped. Moped. Oh, sad bicycle. Or motorcycle. Sad motorcycle. If you're in the back, I can't see your hand just shout it out. Mohawks. Mohawks. Sexy hair. I'm just going to go sexy. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise.

Fuck you, ketchup. That is, I fucking, it's gross. It's gross. Come on, some new ones, new ones, new ones. Show business. Show business. The Jews are getting back at the Nazis. Platypus.

Platypus. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, you mean duck Pokemon. Fuck, I know that was wrong. I know that was wrong. That was right. Okay, thank you. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Psychology.

Psychology. Psychology. Paul Pott. Paul Pott? Oh, Agent Hitler. Not quite sure what he did, actually. I don't know why there isn't a chef named Paul Pott. I think that was a real missed opportunity. How about PM? Oh, Sleepy Aspirin. I've never taken it. I've never taken aspirin or tiny to small dose.

I always, yeah. Igloo. Igloo. Oh, Ice House. It's what it is. It's what you want from me. Oh, you got it? What, I can't,

you want my brain to do gymnastics every goddamn time? Yes. The fucking, the upside down ice stove. I don't know what you have over there. Martin Lawrence. Who?

Martin Lawrence. Oh, Chill Chris Rock. Food trucks. Oh, the Fondue restaurants. Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Oh, the homeless melting pot. Only a couple more.

Just a couple more. I've got to get off. Rocket ships. Rocket ships. Blast-off planes. Smoke detectors. Danger bring-, bring. Colorado.

Colorado. Mountain, pot, California. Cypress. Cypress. I don't know what year it is here. Last one, last one. 9-11. Okay, two more, two more.

9-11. Islam, two more, two more. 9-11, um, um, um, uh, uh, Islam Whipsy Daisy. Last one. Tennis. Tennis. I don't know what that is. I need a different last one. Something about tennis I don't, I don't really know. Okay, Tetris.

Tetris. Oh, uh, um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, everybody. Listen to Tom's show that is recorded on the

radio station. He hears it and says it. But in the meantime, you guys, we have a special guest coming to the stage. He advertises on the podcast sometimes. Everyone, please make it live one time for Mark Malloy, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, Los Angeles, how the fuck are you? One more time for Economnum Expandion

and whatever the fuck Tom Goss is. I thank y'all for coming to this fucking drum circle comedy festival. Who would he do? I don't know what this is. Many of you know me as South Boston's number one wholesaler of used and lightly stolen goods. You may also know me as the guy who ran out onto the field at Fenway, tried to hit A-Rod

with his dick that one time. Gotta make it happen. I believe in dreams. I'd like to thank y'all for having me here. Now usually I advertise on public access

in South Boston. However, I've been removed from the network due to, quote, saying all that Jew stuff. So I now have a standing block

of advertising with the Mean Boys Podcast and if you don't mind, I have a terrific new service for you fucking faggots. As most of you know, that cocksucker Trump

won the election. Fuck that fucking fuck, right? And this goes to show what I have always said. Never trust anybody from fucking New York. Nobody good has ever come out of New York. Who do we got? Trump? Giuliani? That kid fucking Woody Allen? Trying to put his peepee in his daughter's coke? I don't know.

Second appearance of that weird racist joke. You know, I know you New Yorker pussies. They got taken by the Muppets. The Muppets took Manhattan. The Muppets tried to take Southie. I'm gonna curb-stomp Fozzie and throw his body in the fuckin' marsh. Now, everybody's concerned about Trump to take Southie, I'm going to curb-stomp Fozzie and throw his body in the fucking marsh. Now, everybody's concerned about Trump because he's technically a fucking bond-filler. He lives in a lair at the top of a tower. He's trying to

build a wall across the country. I think I heard something about him trying to kill Muslims with a moon laser. I don't know exactly, but what people are forgetting is he's going to butt-fuck Obamacare. It's a big deal. it's a big deal. I come from a very poor town. We've been fucked in Southeast since our jobs left

when they outsourced ignorant racism to the rest of the country. It used to be our cheap export. We got nothing now. We all got our dicks in our hands in the ER in case we get cancer or we drink too much toilet yager. And that is why I would like to announce the opening of Mark Malloy's Amateur Health Clinic. We'll be providing love and no-cost medical care to those in the greater Boston area.

But Mark, you might be asking yourself, are you even a doctor? To that I respond, are you a cop? Because you've got to fucking tell me if you're a cop. You can't afford to get treatment at one of those fancy schmancy hospitals with their CAT scan machines and diplomas? Then come on down to Salty and get checked out by the finest doctor-adjacent types I could find working around Kalani's at Blue 30. We got this old dude, Bruce.

He used to be a vet. That's close enough, right? What, you think you're better than the fucking dog? Fuck you, kid. You got organs. You can ballpark them. My cousin, little Pete's the head of surgery. He used to be great at that game Operation until he got hit by that

bus and forgot how to think good. It's okay. Surgery is just like riding a bike. Fine as long as he's wearing a helmet. We've got a Pakistani fella. I don't know. He works at a liquor store but those people are whiz-bangs and medical bullshit. Look, we know how easy

to get fucked around by these hot shot doctors at the other places, and we don't play that shit. You will never be denied for a pre-existing condition. If you're a fat fuck, like you and me, sir, you're fine, we got you covered. If you've been smoking since you were 12, no problem. If you're Puerto Rican, like, gross, but come on down. We take anything you got as far as payment goes.

Mark Malloy's Amateur Medical Clinic is covered by HMOs, Cobra, other kinds of snakes, your mom's old jewelry, even a kind of Madero's maybe fell off the back of the truck. And if you can't afford that, no problem. We got you covered. All you gotta do is do me a favor and maybe hide this gun and don't answer any questions. Participate in our pill exchange program. Bring in your unwanted medication and swap it out for the good shit.

Maybe your shrink's got you on that Prozac, but you know you're not the one who's crazy, the world is. We'll take it off your hands and hook it up with some Adderall. You'll be vacuuming and studying for SATs so hard you won't even have time to kill yourself. We're also accepting donations. If you've got cash, bring it. If you want to give blood, come in wearing a Yankees hat If you got a spare kidney taking up real estate in your fucking guts drop it off at a cooler and I'll let you finger pop

my girlfriend Trish behind the dumpster So if you got nowhere left to turn for your medical coverage come see us We're conveniently located in Roxbury on the corner where that kid got shot. All right, enjoy the rest of the show, you fucking folks. Mark Malloy, everybody. Oh, fucking great.

All right, guys, that was one more time for Mark Malloy. My God. Somebody, maybe it was Keith Gary, paid $25 for a jacket for a joke that was for 14 people. Yo, I heard he tried to steal it and he got caught. He sure did.

Keith was walking out of the store and the guy working was like, buddy, that's got a hard tag on it. And Keith was like, what? Wait, I did this? I didn't pay for this jacket that I clearly bring? Funnier story in my head.

Anyway, we're going to close out the show with a round of our favorite game. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for which of the following? Sorry, I went to smoke. Did I miss Mark Molloy? Oh, yeah, dude. He was just in here. Oh, man. What a shitty addressing of the fourth wall breaking. No, that's you!

Yes, thank you, Tom. I'm not worried about you breaking the fourth wall. Tom, get up here. Come play with you in the following. Yeah, Tom, get up here and play with you in the following. Come play with you in the following. We'll bring the audience and everybody in. All right. Yes or no?

My pants are so wet. Tom, I left you alone for two minutes. How did you already get your pants wet? By the way, Tom, when you're sitting on this stool, you look like you're posing for one of those shitty Sears family nurses. If somebody donates $100 to Planned Parenthood right now, I will push them. I'll steal that money, I swear. Hey guys, I know we were worried about breaking the fourth wall with you,

but I'm worried about breaking the stage. Literally kill yourself. Alright, let's begin. This week we are playing Witch of the Fall of the Night, a real quote from a right-wing preacher. Oh boy. Hey, you guys, we saved the most heinous for last. This comes to us from a listener.

And by the way, these are the kind of Twitter handles our listeners have. At a bleeding God. That guy's just out there. One of our most active users. He's a good guy. He sends us a lot of stuff. Hey, he's a good guy. Bleeds more than he should, but other than that.

Anyway, let's begin. A, which is long, it's not a real quote from a regular preacher. A, Satan is staging a homosexual invasion from the White House. C. Will you vote for the devil just because he showed up black? That almost sounds like a Bob Dylan lyric. It's kind of poetic in its sheer evil. Yeah, I mean, these guys seem all right. C. If God is in this city's foundation, you will have bloodshed in the streets and the police won't be able to stop it.

And he's going to be bummed when he reads about what happened to people who started cities based on God. There's a lot more blood in the streets. Wait, is that like a... The Middle East. It's... Oh. Not going well. Ask Ramsey later.

Anyway. Okay. D. Jesus was well. Ask Ramsey later. Anyway. D. Jesus was white. People just have to accept this. They say all real. Thomas, round one, which is the fake one. That's not an option. Still saying all real.

Oh, jeez. That devil black one is for sure real. Yeah, that one is so evil I don't think even our sweet listeners could conceive of it. I'm going to say Satan is staging a homosexual invasion from the White House.

Alright, Tom Goss. Fuck. I feel like I've heard all of these just from my neighbors. Orange County, everybody. Those are the voices in your head. Yeah, they're bright neighbors. I don't want to keep playing that band music anyway.

I'm going to say C, but I don't think I'm right. All right. It's D. Jesus was white. People just have to accept this. Are you talking to the preacher or the only people who haven't said that? That's fucking nuts. I'm sure they've said it in different words. Yeah.

Well, maybe stop being a sore loser and listen to the hate speech. We lost that. We lost that on punctuation alone. That's fucking bullshit. That made negative sense, Tom. Show us one more time. Number two. A. It's not a sin to be black, but it is a sin to be gay.

B. It was God's will that Ryan White got A's. Oh, shit. That actually might be one of Keith's tweets. C. The GOP has invited a demon god into their party. Is Carnage a red-winged preacher? I don't fuck with the South! Or D. Demons pass from gay man to gay man through sodomy. It enters the man

when he's penetrated. It feels like it, I'll tell you that much. By the way, I love that we've assembled a group of people, no matter how small, where you guys let out a hearty, like, popsicle joke chuckle at the idea of demons being fucked in other men's for their fucking sexual orientation.

Oh, that's a good one. You cross the road, you get to the other man's clear fucking sexual orientation. Oh, that's a good one. You cross the road, you get to the other side. We all deserve this. I'm going to say A, I think it's too liberal for a preacher. Don't let being black slide. You have to imply that blackness is not a sin. Okay.

I'm going to say demon god, C. Demon god, alright, the fake one. It's B, it was possible that Ryan White got AIDS. So you thought of that? No, Adam Bleeding God did. Okay. Yeah, a different sad white dude. Probably.

Round number three was as long as I broke off from writing with a preacher. A. Round up the Muslims and ship them out of the country. That's what McRamsey said earlier today. Most Islamophobic person I know, by the way. B. Islam is an infection that must be eliminated. C. Warn... By the way, I hope someone walks in and writes up just... And I'm just like, warn your daughters, their teacher may be a witch.

And they're like, alright, I'm going to go ahead and hang out at In-N-Out instead. Man, the wish that demands comedy festival is way different than I thought it would be. Demand number one. Leave. All of you. Yeah, we're raising money to bomb plant parents. D. Women who take birth control have hundreds of tiny aborted fetuses crystallized in their wombs.

That's metal as shit. Dude, where can I go to this rock-handy dead baby cave? That is for sure like in the liner notes of an Iron Maiden album. How badass is that? Oh my god. That is for sure in the liner notes of an Iron Maiden album. Bad ass is that. Oh my god.

Warn Your Daughters a Teacher Might Be a Witch. What are you guys feeling? I mean the first two could easily be Trump quotes. Yeah, very true. Tom Goss, what are your maniacal insights on this game? I mean my initial instinct was C, Warn Your Daughters a Teacher Might Be a Witch, but also you changed the word in D, which makes me think you wrote it. So I'm going to say... He didn't write this game, Tom. We've repeatedly explained it to you.

This is the one piece of information you have for sure, and you've repeatedly used it poorly. Like, this kind of interaction all the time is what lightning round costs. Yeah, we've crossed a lot of wires up there. By the way, if you think this is difficult, try to get him to get his car out of the driveway so you can put him in the taco truck.

Oh, I don't always block people in, though. That's at least, this is personal. It also cleaned the bathroom. We're just doing house stuff. I'm going to say C. I'm going to say fucking D. All right, the fake one. C, one of your daughters, their teacher might be a witch.

He cannot win. I'm winning, by the way. I'm winning. daughter's their teacher might be a witch. He cannot win. I'm winning, by the way. Everyone give Tom a round of applause for succeeding. And give a hot fuck about Yankee. What we've always known is we are third banana to a guest character. I just flipped all of you off and some dude was just walking by

and he looked at me and he goes, Oh, man, I guess their play's not going so well. Wow, alright. Number four, which of the following is in a real quote from a right-wing preacher? A. Trump is possessed by a demon. B. The Jews will make an end-times

pact with the Antichrist. C. Grown men shouldn't have sex with prostitutes unless they're married to them. Only children. Or D. I'd sit in cow manure and spread it over my body. I'm sorry, what? Maybe take it a little out of context. It might be something that the man who brought a whole sheet of naan bread in with him.

Is that yours? Yeah. That looks delicious. He has a plastic bag full of loose Arabian groceries. All right, we have an episode. That's also empty, but now he's body-tested. Loose Arabian groceries. Yeah, you just get hummus sacked.

Alright, let's fucking get into this thing. I mean, it feels like they would side with Trump, but I think that's a trick. Yeah, one of the good demons. Those 80s demons. Fucking ratcore. I'm going to say C.

Tom does. I kept changing it to B. All right, the Jews will make many times back with the Antichrist? Fuck. I'm going to say A, once again, too liberal. Fuck, how? Huh? What do you mean, too liberal. How? Huh? What do you mean, how?

I mean, how, Tom? Okay, preachers don't like demons or, and they like Trump. Not all of them. All right, well, it's fucking A. God damn it, you beautiful little boy. I told you, bloody demon guy's a good guy. Yeah, no, I went to school with him, I think. Or maybe he just showed up in my dreams during boarding school.

Okay. Tom, please tell them about why you got in trouble at boarding school. Did they listen to the... I threw a table at the sailing captain. Right there, everybody. My school had a sailing captain. I don't know why. Alright, stop rapping. Let's move on. Final question. Are you guys ready? Can I get a drum roll from the audience? All real or all fake? Gays hate us like the Nazis hated the Jews. Obama cut a deal with the terrorists who attack other countries while he's president.

Billy Graham is the cherished servant of Satan in America. Where abortion is worse than terrorism. Are those things a person said or are those the machinations of a lonely man who sent us this game? Who's Billy Graham? He made those crackers. He's another preacher. He's just a vague preacher. He was one of the most famous preachers.

Maybe the most famous Bibleist preacher. So not known some... Of course you know a lot about him. He's not always a favorite of the right wing. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, remember Don't Find Gordon. Hey, no, no, no, no.

What's your name? What's your name? Doug. I want Doug on all of the non-live episodes with me to explain shit in a way that makes sense. Tom, Tom, congratulations. You've found an interpreter who wandered in off the street with loose Arabian crotchets. This is the man you're going to see.

This is the retirement demographic. We both love Don, okay? We're not hiring somebody to tell you you're not retarded. Like I said, we are not. And by the way, we cannot broadcast this podcast network under the tinfoil hat that they're keeping us in. Hurry up and lose this main game. I'm going to say all real.

I've won either way. All fake. I like your arrogance. Alright guys, drum roll. Those are all fake. God damn it! Tom Goss is your winner tonight. Hey, everybody.

That was the Unadvised Bean Boys podcast. You guys have a good night. You guys, thank you so much to everybody who came. We're going to end the show the same way we always do.

I'm going to count down from three. You guys all know what to yell, right? Yeah. All right. And you can probably just go with what you're thinking already. Fuck everything! God is dead!

Crazy shit! Crazy shit! Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy,