Mean Boys - EP 44 - Sugar Cookie Quack Quack (feat. Jessica Michelle Singleton)

Episode Date: January 10, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Twisted Nerve Promotions Present: Trump Up The Volume”, “2017 Predictions” and a game of “Which of the Following” with McDonald’s Yelp reviews by Marty Wurst. Follow our guest Jessica Michelle Singleton on Twitter: twitter.com/jmscomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Life is a terminal disease. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a sexy possum. You know what, that's actually the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Sex possum. Sex, sex possum. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A sexy possum. You know what? That's actually the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Sex possum. Sex, sex possum.

I'm basically dead. Put it in their pouch, yeah. Do possums have pouches? She eating up all that raw chicken. Me. Ooh, who's that fine little mama scurrying down the fence over there? Damn, girl, you under them stairs. I'm just gonna run and grab that.

Ooh, you gonna need that night vision cause you gonna turn out the light. That makes sense. Roll over and play head. Hey boo. Ooh, she waxes her tail.

Or maybe it's just naturally creepy and hairless. Oh God. She's my little sex possum. I feel like my goal with this episode

is to get you unfucked forever. I'm gonna keep fucking him. Aw, why? You're a nice lady. I'm just gonna pretend I'm a possum now. It's gonna be beautiful. It's like fun role play. You be a man, I'll be a possum, and you're a man that fucks a possum.

This is backfiring on me tremendously because I'm gonna hear all of this. I wanna be the baby possum because you get up on your hands and knees and then I just cling to your stomach and then we just walk around the room. I think that could be fun. But that's already what we do. No, that's true. Yeah. No one's going to cum, but it's going to look pretty cute.

I assume your guys' sex just involves no cum, a lot of crying, and a baby Bjorn. Kim, have you told them about our sex? No, man. I thought we were going to keep Keep this on the down low But I guess we're just telling everybody I like to be baptized in my own cum Okay?

Get in line, sister I mean, that's the only reason it's working That's why I love you Just to make sure I don't go to heaven Alright, I'm taking all the precautions I don't want to be up there with all those boring people I'm playing dice with Hitler Well, for everybody who doesn't live in this house that listens to this podcast,

we are joined today by Jessica Michelle Singleton, a very talented comedian, slash is fucking Connor. Slash was the only person that was around and available to do this on 24 hours notice. Very true. Oh, okay. See, the reason we booked you, all right? Women are funny. This is the only reason I fucked you.

To get on Mean Boys? To get you on that sweet, sweet... You have five diehard Mean Boy Twitter... How old am I? Mean Boy Twitter. There's like three of them now, all right? The numbers have diminished greatly due to negligence. Sad audio network.

This is the first episode we've recorded in like a month because we backlogged a bunch for the end of the year. And then we took a couple of weeks off. And it feels good to be back. I think we're all fired up. You guys want to get in the Mexican joke off? I so topical. Hell yeah.

Sure. All right. I'll kick us off. The United Arab Emirates have passed a new federal law banning exotic pets. The newly restricted animals include lions, alligators and literate women. Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds were laid to rest with a joint funeral. This was followed by an eight-ball processional and a key bump of Vicodin in the bathroom wake. Oh, no.

You guys are so good at this. Oh, Keith. Oh, God. A judge banned anti-abortion ads on public buses due to concerns about psychological harm. Still no word on when they plan to ban the other thing causing psychological harm. Literally everything on public buses. Oh, that one was pandering to Keith Hardcore. I'm your constituency on that one.

That was a joke after his own heart. Hey, bus boy. All right. Speaking of which, during a ceremony at the Sistine Chapel, Pope Francis told female parishioners to feel free to breastfeed during the service. Pontifex added, being hungry isn't the reason a child should be crying in here. Oh, no. Oh, God.

We're back, everybody. Happy New Year. Fuck the kids. Thousands of women are expected to march on Washington this January. When asked how he planned to handle the protest, Donald Trump said, quote, check the levies and have FEMA on standby in case their periods sync up. Did you hear Donald Trump fired the guy that's been announcing the inaugural parade since Eisenhower's second term? Holy shit, why? Oh, did he really?

Yeah, yeah, and he was just like, I want to get this guy. I mean, maybe. Well, once you get old enough as a white guy, you just start to look Jewish anyway. That's true. Oh, I can't wait. You already look like an old Jewish man. Oh, okay you get old enough as a white guy, you just start to look Jewish anyway. That's true. Oh, I can't wait. You already look like an old Jewish man. Oh, okay. I'm fine.

The Air Force granted honorable discharge to a 91-year-old gay vet. Doctors will be treating the discharge with penicillin. Oh, man. I'm not good at this. Gay people are gross. Right, guys? Ew. Boo.

That was the thesis statement of that joke, correct? No, it's just that they they fuck a lot let's not worry about it it's not important how much you hate gay people connor tell your uh a new video released by the islamic state shows children murdering prisoners in an abandoned carnival meanwhile a graphic designer on reddit wrote a six paragraph essay on why rogue one ruined his childhood uh I went on my favorite Mean Boys one-liner research subreddit,

which is morbid reality, and the first thing was ISIS, children, murder, playground, and I was like, oh, it's good to be doing the show again. I didn't know it was my birthday today.

Four children were killed in Amarillo by a pesticide leak, proving that everything's bigger in Texas except for the size of the graves. Oh, they're dead.

They sure are. Tiny little graves for those tiny bodies. I love fellas. Just throwing a Hot Wheel in after them. Do you even need a tombstone or can you just use a toenail? You don't even need a tombstone to use for that Unlunchables pizza.

That's the most deep-dairy thing I've ever heard. R.I.P. On the little In the little packet Of marinara sauce Yeah yeah Um Scientists say cows As big as elephants

May soon roam Europe It's wonderful to hear My stepmother is living Her lifelong dreams Of retiring in Europe Sorry Alright Kathy Griffin Before her coffee

Don't Come on I can Words Alright Quick do more visual bits on the podcast. You guys have so much coffee. Quirk, quirk your way out of this hole.

I'm taking my pants off. I'm crazy. I knew you could get wheatgrass, but I didn't know you could get funny in your coffee. I don't know how that's going to help. Bitch. Speaking. Good point. A 57-year-old convicted murderer has become the first person to receive state-funded gender reassignment surgery while in prison.

After her recovery, she will be moved to a woman's prison where the only place she'll have to worry about dropping the soap is into her brand new pussy. That was a long road to that. I kind of ran out of steam this week. Actress Meryl Streep made an anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes in which she lambasted MMA, infuriating fans of the sport. Now she's forced to apologize or stand by her statements, presenting her with a veritable brofist choice. Oh, God. The patented Mean Boys seventh inning stretch on joke number four. Oh, God.

He ain't helping you, bitch. He ain't here. A Dairy Queen restaurant Has been closed by corporate After the franchise owner Went on a racist rant Sorry Bill But we gotta close you down

We can't have you yelling Racist Racial slurs In the Dairy Queen lobby It gets the customers Too horny Alright Okay you guys

White trash goes to Dairy Queen I know what they do Yeah It's just Blizzards and no teeth Alright I miss my dad I'm over your hammy stuff Just uh Just blizzards and no teeth. All right. I miss my dad. I'm over your hammy stuff.

Just blizzards and gizzards. I feel like the more intolerant you are, the more loose skin you have on your neck. Okay, that's true. Yeah, it's like all your decency vacates your neck skin. Yeah, there's like a weird graph where they like that. Hey, bad neck skin is my greatest family heirloom. There you go, fucking rage labias. Rage labias.

Oh, no. A new roller derby name for Keith, rage labias. Rage labias. Oh, no. A new roller derby name for Keith. Rage labia. A Denver police officer has been docked one vacation day after leaving his horse unattended and letting it starve to death. The press wondered why the officer received such a lenient punishment until they found out it was a black stallion. That's such a good show. Bruce Springsteen has publicly questioned Donald Trump's competency as president. Oh, God. That's such a good show. Bruce Springsteen has publicly questioned Donald Trump's competency as president.

In an interview, the musician said, Donald wasn't fit to run. Oh, no. Why do we have to end on my shitty jokes? A Harris County deputy has been accused of filming a sex act with a small dog. In related news, please visit JessicaMichelleSingleton.com for the newly released footage of me having sex with a Harris County deputy. The funniest

word in that whole thing is small. It's a small dog. This story is upsetting, but what's one single word detail that can make it more upsetting? The fact that the dick is like 80% of its body mass. Yeah, that just makes me feel like he's just corkscrewing

a chihuahua onto his fucking chode. Like it's real bad. How do we know the chihuahua didn't love it? Because, I mean, these dog dicks are like the size of... Oh! I'm sorry, you guys. guys No you did great Stop tripping

Of all of the people who have come in here and done Mexican Joke Off You were certainly one of them Hey could you Not through the microphone wire with your sharp razor like teeth Please Alright Well I think that's it for the Mexican Joke Off We'll be back after some bullshit.

Twisted Nerve Productions is the number one name in extreme event planning. We brought you Bitch Fest. We brought you Greg's House 2016. And now we're bringing you the most electrifying, jacked up, balls to the wall event of the century. The Presidential Inauguration. That's right. After getting the cold shoulder from everyone in Hollywood, the White House has turned to us to plan the inauguration celebration for our 45th president. So grab onto your pussies and get ready for Trump Up the Volume 2017.

Trump's coming to the White House, and we're celebrating with a party that will set your fucking gooch ablaze. You like ACDC? Well, so do the guys in Thunderstruck, the cover band we just booked. They're playing Back in Black on loop for three hours. You want to hear a different song? Listen to the sound of us not giving a fuck!

The Oval Office is done. It's time for the Broval Office. We're throwing that desk out the fucking window, and we're wheeling in a nacho hot tub. Get an ass full of cheese-adjacent product while you eat Tostitos at a Tara Reeds bellybutt. If she asks, this is the set of Sharknado 5. Just make sure you watch the temperature,

because if that cheese gets over 90 degrees, you're gonna get scalded to the max. We'll be bumping dubstep remixes of the nixon tapes here's skrillex is reimagining of tricky dick not being able to find the good pens and secretly calling henry kissinger professor fagenstein you might be thinking but nobody famous will be there beyonce said no oh boo-hoo we lost beyonce cry me a river of period blood. We pulled out all the stops, and we've got hot buckets of famous-ish people. You remember Eric Estrada? Us neither, but he's here, so ask him to remind you what he was in.

We got Balky. We got Hootie and the Blowfish's bass player. Scott Bakula is here, and he's gonna try to fuck your mom. You hungry? We thought so. Open up your meat hole and prostrate yourself at Guy Fieri's Goop Funnel. He's catering the whole thing and he's bringing

20 tons of grease soaked nonsense with him. He's shoving a whole thing of Pringles up a pig and serving it raw because we have transcended the bounds of earth, flown on wings of eagles to the face of God and flavor blasted him to death. There will be an elegant, dignified swearing-in ceremony,

followed by six hours of sick motocross buttfuckery. Abraham Lincoln didn't have Travis Pastrana doing a Superman seat grab over the White House lawn, and that's why he's fucking dead. Then Donald's gonna open the Bible he was sworn in on and reveal there was a porno mag inside of it the whole time, because he's so cool cool it makes me come a guitar solo. Then turn your eyes to the skies because here come the Blue

Angels and they're dropping an unreasonable amount of loose cocaine. Don't do blow, you do now. Quit being a bitch and do a rail to the chief. Get your tickets now for Trump Up The Volume 2017. This is the bedazzled casket in which we have buried America.

Fuck in it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Meat Boys podcast returns with a special one-off segment. We're going to be making some predictions for 2017. Woo! What? I don't know. I always feel like there should be a noise after we intro a segment. Ghosts seem like things that...

I don't know. We stole this from Conan anyway. He just haunted. In the year, whatever this is. No, I thought I stole it from Greg Fitzsimmons, but I guess... We stole it from a lot of people. I'm going to be honest. It's probably a lot of people doing this.

The concept of predicting things doesn't... We're going to predict things that we think are... As a psychic, I can tell you a lot of people are already predicting things. Mike Crystals told me that... Can I call Keith... Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Keith refuses to floss Tridamus. I want to be madder, and then I felt the hole where my tooth used to be.

Oh, yeah. By the way, Keith's tooth fell out when he was cleaning his tooth. I'd like to clarify, a part of my tooth fell out. Yeah, a part of his tooth fell out. We were in Central Valley doing some shows. I was brushing my teeth, and then I had less teeth, which means I get to throw part of my body in a trash can in Fresno. Maybe that was the return of Jesus.

What? Your tooth is the savior. It's going to take out a life of its own. I'll just move your mic up a little bit. No, the great part is like Keith tries to improve himself and his body reacts by shutting down. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You will let me rot. Yeah. A vegetable. My fucking dick fell off.

Anyway. You will let me rot. I had a vegetable and my fucking dick fell off. Anyway, so I think in 2017 the sea level will rise and in response millennials will start driving for Uber Gondola. I think reflecting the current national character, the U.S. will change its motto from In God We Trust to No Fat Chicks. Let's put that on the money. Am I right, gang? Oh, man. I think Tom's going to start a grease fire in the kitchen and burn down your podcast studio. Yeah, I was trying to cook a salad. Yeah, I made a bowl of cereal and somehow this happened.

Yeah, but the other day I walked in on Tom just putting kale in the frying pan. And I was like, what are you doing? Have you made this before? And he's like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to put the leaves in the fire, and then eventually it'll be snags. Yeah. The contaminated water source in Flint, Michigan will finally be changed when the rivers run

red with the blood of the innocent. All right. I don't know. I know 2016 was a big year for famous people passing away. I predict in 2017, every celebrity will die. All of them. Opens up a lot of room for your... And we're still not going to be able to get...

For your trusted co-hosts. We can feature tops. I still have no TV credits. We got a fallout weekend after that porn star that started doing stand-up got shot with a bow and arrow. A great year for us. At the Chuckle Hut in Lebanon, Kansas. Mike Pence is going to get caught a sex scandal with Keith. Hell yeah.

Oh, shit. I've been campaigning for this very heavily on stage. It's a whole grassroots movement going on. I am going to fuck Mike Pence up his gross daddy butthole. I think in 2017, the Dakota Access Pipeline will finally be officially rerouted and travel along its new path through a line of infant skulls. You guys are great at this. I think Russia will deny

interfering with the Academy Awards despite the shocking best picture victory of Vladimir Putin, Pussy Crushing Vampire Hunter. Oh, man. That's one of those books that you see at Barnes & Noble and you're just like, I hate the future. Yeah.

Isn't there literally a young adult paranormal romance section at Barnes and Noble? It was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and they did Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. There's a whole series of that bullshit. And it's just like, I don't know, man. Not that I read a lot of books.

I don't read none. Not everything has to be for shitty goth kids. Yeah. Well, who else is for shitty goth kids. Yeah. Well, who else is left? That's a good point. We're all set. Isn't that your entire fan base? Yeah, we make them this show.

Ouch. Hey. Yeah, no, I always think like, yeah, you know, we make a really smart show and then we meet people that like it and they're just like,

yeah, I like the part where you guys say AIDS and make fun of Keith's fatness. I thought we were like doing some like... We're really changing things out in the world. Yeah, what about like that layered commentary

we do in the sketches? No, we skip that to get the way you say fag too much. Yeah, like what about my like nihilistic insights into the futility of life itself

and they're like, yeah, that's cool but also like when Taco Monster shows up. Taco Monster is me. Oh God, no.

Taco, taco, taco. What does Taco Monster think is going to happen in 2017? A lot of things! Goodbye! Not enchilada things? You had one job, Taco Monster. Oh, yeah, I forgot.

No, he forgot. I'm not Taco Monster. I love that we have moments where this show almost turns into, like, Comedy Bang Bang and we remember that we hate improv. I like Comedy Bang Bang. I do, yeah. I cannot do it. I have no desire.

Yeah. I think my dad's going to come back. That's not a real prediction. Oh, you suck. That was literally one of mine. Oh, no.

Was it your dad that's going to come back? It wasn't. I was just kidding, but I think I was going to towed LaCarre. Hey, once a year.

All right. I get my fuck. I didn't tow the last one. That guy with. Oh, can I tell the story of when I got hit? The guy that the guy that hit me. Yes. All right.

Well, I just want to be able to know I got rear ended on the freeway. Yeah, I did. Totem. Yes, I got. I cheated on you with a man on a freeway. Does that make you feel good? Oh, by the way, follow up prediction. My dad will continue to be present and supportive like he's always been.

Anyway, but the guy that hit me. Don't cry cry don't make me hit you on the podcast okay don't make me come on the podcast uh the guy that hit me had no shoes all right he was just wearing black dress socks he was in a different colored pt cruiser and his insurance his proof of, had coupons for the insurance company attached to it. So you're saying my dad did come back. Oh, that probably was your dad. Shit. Anyway, my next prediction. Tom Goss will be outsmarted by a flightless bird.

Yeah, that swan stole my wallet. I don't know. My last prediction. Civilization will crumble. Water will become scarce, and bloodthirsty marauders will control the streets. It will take the city of Chicago eight months to notice anything has happened. My last prediction is that the Mean Boys is going to be in the top 25 podcasts on iTunes.

Because I'm nice. That's outrageous. That really is never going to happen. Do you hear that, listeners? Rate and review. Okay. Yeah, we don't believe it. I honestly think that even if we were the most popular podcast, they would just not

put us in there because they're like, we can't co-sign this. Yeah. I thought we had one more. Didn't we only do four? Well, I had five, but Dingus took mine. Oh, okay. Oh. I have one more.

Abortion will be outlawed and Keith's mother will have to scramble to frantically get her passport renewed. I knew we were missing something. On that note, Connor and I are going to have a baby. Gross. Oh, man. Because of the abortion thing. I'm not kidding. Look, I'm infertile.

No, I got it. Yeah, it would crush your bones from the inside out. And your boy don't wear condoms. Up top. Ugh. The Mean Boys will be right back. How far are we from La Jolla? We're getting close, Keith.

I'm hungry. You know, on account of being so fat and all. That stinks. Well, at least Connor's not here. Also, I am a smug know-it-all cunt. Ha ha, you sure are. Let's try to find somewhere to pull off and grab a bite to eat before the show. I think there's an Arby's near this exit. Hey, hey, hey! What are you guys

taco-ing about? What? Who are you? How'd you get in my car? It's me, the taco monster! I heard you guys were getting hungry! Well, yeah, but that hardly seems like any of your business, magical anthropomorphic taco man. Hey, I'm not a man. I'm a monster, okay?

You of all people should know a thing or two about that, chubby. Well, that's fucking hurtful. Oh, he's growing on me a little bit. Hey, can I use your ox cord? I want to plug in my iPod. Hey, what? What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood and I've got a case idea for you two.

Okay. Why not stop at Don Carlos Taco Shop on Pearl Street in La Jolla, California? It's located conveniently off the 5 freeway and serves the best Mexican food in the world. And no, I'm not just flandering. I mean, that sounds good, but I'm a vegetarian and... Don't worry. They serve gay people at Don Carlos, as well as most major ethnicities.

They also have several options for people that don't eat carne for nada. But what if I'm drawn to roasted flesh like a moth to the flame? Well, then you can enjoy the finest pollo, carne asada, carnitas, and seafood that your meager comrade-y earnings can afford. There's an enchilada options. Also, with beans, cheese, fish, beef, chicken, chorizo, and carnitas available for their enchiladas, there's even an enchilada enchiladas. That all sounds great and all, but why are you here? I'm a promotional mascot made in a laboratory that's on the run from the government. I'm hitchhiking across the border via teleportation to spread the good word about Don Carlos.

I was going to guess that, but I guess you burrito me to it. Nacho best work, my friend. If you don't go, I say you're making a big mistake. That's steak in Spanish. It rhymes with mistake. Yeah, we got it. Okay, that's all for now. It's back to life on the run for me.

Now watch me disappear. Tostada! Yeah, we got it. Okay, that's all for now. It's back to life on the run for me. Now watch me disappear. Tostada! The Mean Boys Podcast is proudly and, I swear to God, for real, sponsored by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Stop by today and use the promo code MEANBOYS when you order our signature Carnac Asada burrito or go to eataburrito.com for more information. Quong!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns. It's time to close out the show as we always do with a round of our favorite game. Ladies and gentlemen, let's play Witch of the Following. Woo! Ye ate. Ye ate. This game comes to us from listener Marty Worst. Hey guys, hopefully you'll find some entertainment value Yeet eights. Yeet eights. This game comes to us from listener Marty Worst.

Hey, guys. Hopefully you'll find some entertainment value in these angry customer complaints. We all know McDonald's is disgusting, but I found some of the worst rated McDonald's in Los Angeles with a two and a half star average or less on Yelp. Which of the following is a fake McDonald's review? All right. He's even broken them down by location, which I enjoy quite a lot. Oh, my God. Question number one from the McDonald's on West Imperial

Highway. A. Homeless people begging for change in the drive-thru. Someone going to sell me roses next? B. The food tasted like donkey ass with fat girl sweat. Which one's that? I want to go there.

C. While literally 30 minutes in the drive-thru, I have been able to compose my thoughts here on Yelp. Which, by the way, way too articulate for the fucking ghetto McDonald's. Would you fucking dip your stylus in ink with a big feather at the end of it? I am your humble poet reporting on the ills of the

McDonald's. And finally, D, open the box and no nuggets! There were three damn sugar cookies. Oh my god, that's hilarious. The damn three damn sugar cookies. Oh my god, that's hilarious. The damn three damn sugar cookies. Three damn sugar cookies. Sugar cookie quack quack.

Alright. That's the episode title. Sugar cookie quack quack. Oh god. What was A again? Homeless people begging for change in the drive-thru someone gonna sell me roses next and then the second one was donkey ass and donkey ass yeah ah geez i like i think c and d are definitely real because that over articulate piece of shit that's such a yelp reviewer move oh yeah oh i guess that's true and sugar cookies in the boxes too by the way when i

was making the guy fury game and I was spending the night with Jessica, and I was literally like, no, baby, I got to stay up a little later. I got to look up these weird cheese-blasted nacho items. Oh, I'm so white trash. I knew every game. Oh, yeah, and then I ran it by her, and she batted 1,000. I was like, fuck, do I suck at this, or are you— I thought it was going to be too easy of a game, and I was like, no, I am just—

I got worked on that one, so I'm very proud of you. White very proud of you yeah i was like there are no highway tater nuggets or whatever highway to the tater zone the sophomore album by keith keith carrey okay i'm gonna say a all right um i'm still going c all right uh the fake one is A. What? Oh, man. Homeless people and the salami roses. Number two, South Alameda Street.

A, no stars. Sick of this sickening crap. McDonald's is disgusting. B. That's not you. They should put a gun inside the Happy Meal so I can save myself the misery. Oh, shit. I want to be friends with that person.

Me too. What a cool dude. C. Came to this McDonald's lame-ass service, and they tell me they only have coffee and pies. Wait, what? And they tell me they only have coffee and pies. So, yeah, this guy had a bad time. D. Very close by the gym.

I'm loving it. Like, what? I love it. Like, what? I love it. By the way, me and Keith looked up the reviews of this porn theater on Santa Monica that we drove past one time.

Those are pretty upsetting. Some good Yelp. The Tiki Theater in Hollywood, if you guys are listening. I saw it for the first time yesterday. I did point it out to you. There was a porn theater that far down Santa Monica.

I thought they were all in the heart of West Hollywood. No, the review is like, yeah, it's a great place to go get jerked off by weird old men. But the police will show up. the heart of West Hollywood. No, the review is like, yeah, it's a great place to go get jerked off by weird old men. But like the police

will show up. What's wrong with that? Well, the cops run in every 20 minutes and try to arrest you for jerking off. That's where Fred

Willard. What's up? It's on the reviews. I did some research. Got to know which theaters. That is where Fred Willard got busted.

I believe so. Yeah, it's pretty funny. People are done. That's why you got to get jerked off in regular movie theaters. Yeah, or just or just let them get jerked off in that Borno theater. Who's getting hurt?

When you've got a boner. Oh, sorry. Society. What? Fuck society. When the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ, I don't know. Spirit, spirit, spirit, come. I zoned out on this conversation.

I'm way lost. I said something about Jesus. I was having it, and I zoned out. I'm going to say B. All right. Jess. A. A.

All right. Which one was A? The one about that. You don't even remember. You just guessed it. I remember all the other ones so that's why I'm saying A. All right.

Well, it's B. That's all you lose. Son of a cookie cock. Cookie cock? Son of a cookie cock? God damn. Is that a weird Johnny Cash song about Keith's life? Son of a cookie cock came rambling into town. I'm a boy with a chocolate chip. All right, number three, which is the following is a fake McDonald's review from the Linwood location.

A, seems like pure monkeys in uniform run this establishment. These employees should be drug tested before serving our foods. Oh, no. Yeah. Ooh, fucking rise of the planet of the parfaits. He gave himself such a long ramp to find one and he didn't. Nope. Yeah, I was also trying to check the audio and then I accidentally switched windows and I lost the game.

I was like, oh, goddam it. I got to fucking click and think. B, I ordered the chicken nugget meal and the chicken tasted like someone just came back from a smoke break without washing their hands. C, the kid play area smells like big kid booty. Or D, how can the ice cream machine always be broken? Fix that shit if you want returning customers. Or don't you go somewhere else for ice cream what are you doing well the mcdonald's ice cream is the best

it's pretty whenever i get ice cream i do get it from mcdonald's it's so good the little vanilla cone it's only when you get a chocolate you get the chocolate fucking dip yeah i don't do the chocolate dip usually i just do the shit for some reason i like it after this i like to i like to bite the top off and then like tongue fuck the inside of the chocolate shell. That's because you gay. It's true. You gay. That's why I'm not fooling anyone

eating out a chocolate dipped ice cream cone. Like it's a little chocolate butthole. I'm going to say Big Kid Booty is pretty funny, but yeah, it's like could a random person... I'm going A.

Who's funnier, a random person on Yelp or one of our shitty listeners? Ooh. I'm going to say A because I'd be willing to bet that your listeners could come up with a fake racist review. Yeah, they're a pretty big fan of calling a lot of things monkeys that they shouldn't. I'm going to say...

I think we're getting faked out here. I'm going to say D. The fake one is D. God, I'm good is d god you're too good at this yeah keith this is keith has been reading mcdonald's for the past three weeks like well he's like i want to find a good one what a terrible thing for me to be good at why can't i ever be good at good things i don't know because you're bad you've had a bad life you should feel bad there's a lot of reasons uh number four maywood? I don't know. Sounds like a bad...

All the woods around here are not great. No good woods. Ingle, Lynn, Tiger. He's always cheating on people. Hey, you laugh, but Jay Leno just bought that joke for $30 six years ago. A, my egg had mold. Not a good way to start my morning. Looks like mold to me.

B. That girl that works the drive-thru is fine as hell, but she dumb as fuck. I asked for ketchup three times. C. Dirty as hell. Lousy service. Hobos in restrooms. I've gotten more service in a dark alley than in this shithole. Or D. I can't believe this morning

I had to wait 31 minutes just for a Buffalo McChicken. Unacceptable. Oh, God. Just imagine having so little going on in your life that you have to write a McDonald's Yelp review. This is McDonald's. Yeah, sometimes I think I'm a loser

and then you go on Yelp and I'm like, oh, I'm a titan of achievement. Yeah, Yelp is exhaustingly stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's B again? B is that girl that works the drive-thru is fine as hell, but she dumb as fuck. I asked for ketchup three times. I'm going A.

A lot of capitalization. I'm going C. The fake one is B. Damn it! All right, closing it out. All real or all fake. The Compton location. Oh, shit.

The Super Bowl of McDonald's Yelp reviews. Oh, no. A. Some of these employees need to McPullup their McPants. B. There was literally Jerry Curl in my parfait. C. The staff here look like background dancers in Amigos video. Or D. The Wi-Fi is so bad, I got better service connecting to the Wendy's across the street. I was convinced these were real up until the Migos name drop. I think these are all fake.

Yeah, I'm going to say all fake. They're all fake. I wrote them all because this guy only did four questions. I know. I knew you wrote it. Yeah, I could. Yeah, I should have known. You have a very specific type of racism.

What was... No, the character in the Yelp review was racist. McPoe up the McPains. Pretty racist. Well, that's something that is shitty. The Yelp... You know... No, that one was viable.

There's a lot of other real racist ones in there. Jerry Crowe was like, how did they have Yelp in 1993? Well, I was just trying to... I don't know what I was trying to do. Whatever. It was good. You did a good job.

Not good enough to fool anyone, but, like, you did it. The point of the game is we're trying to beat you. You did a good job. Not good enough to fool anyone, but you did it. The point of the game is we're trying to beat you. Was that the only one that you got correct? Yeah. The one that you wrote? Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're bad? Yeah. I got most of them right. No, because you were bad. It was easy. Can we just both be bad? Okay. Do you agree that I'm great?

I can agree with that. Yeah. Okay. Tight. Because I'm afraid of you. That's fair. Now it seems like we're getting into a real fight over this fake McDonald's racist... Mailbag! Yeah.

Sesame Street gang, and I just want you guys to know that I love you. Pull the escape hatch. Aboard! Yay, my favorite! At Fanny Chapcranner, one of our oldest and most treasured listeners, writes, Will love make Connor nicer or perhaps meaner? I don't know. What do you think?

I mean, you're really nice to me. I think we need an outside perspective on that. I? I mean you're really nice to me. I think we need an outside perspective on that. I was talking to you guys about it last night but when I come into the house I can just see Connor switch from like boyfriend mode

to like mean boy mode. He's like I'm still cool. I'm cool. I'm not and it'll be so over the top because I can tell I wasn't reading her a book. Yeah I could tell

he was just like you know playing with animal crackers on her belly button or whatever telling her she's a special sunshine and then I walk in and he's like what up you fat faggot crackers on her belly button or whatever. Telling her she's a special sunshine. And then I walk in and he's like, what up, you fat faggot AIDS cunt? And I'm like, okay, cool. Like he's now overcompensating. It's just so funny. Because he doesn't want anyone to know

that he's got a sweet little heart. Yeah, I don't feel shit. Fuck it, I'm gonna fuck her up her period butt. Yeah, so that sounds like not nice or mean or just more desperately insecure. Yeah, just afraid. Yeah. Eventually he'll get really nice and then crumble. God, he's nice. Eh. But also kind of awful I'll tell you what

speaking of the Fresno tooth situation when you bust your tooth out in Fresno the two people you don't want around you are Tom Goss and Connor McSpan Tom was doing way more tooth jokes than I was I did like one and a half and then I was like and then you kind of rolled on the floor and laughed

for the record I was testing him well you were laughing too I mean you were just you just had that hysterical what am I going to do laugh no I know like you know when Walt starts laughing under the crawl space, holding all the money when he's covered in dust? Yeah.

That's the laugh you were doing. Oh, God, that's my favorite scene in that show because I'm like, oh, that's what my life feels like. Yeah, it's like that, but instead of, like, wads of $100 bills, it's just, like, empty, like, fry packaging. Anyway, Chris ADA Williams writes I want to quit my job And run far far away Any tips P.S.

Thanks for the great podcast Thanks Chris That 88 And that username Is a little upsetting Why is it upsetting Because 88 Could be his birthday

But 88 also means The hail Hitler Like that's White supremacist code Why do you know that What Because my stepdad's nuts Yeah

We better do some research Before we validate Chris. It looks like this guy has created an account just to tweet at us. That depends. What's your job? Which is kind of weird. Oh, boy. Yeah, well, I mean, we have a lot of people.

Are you a cop? You should quit. Yeah. What was his question? We have a lot of people that do. That was another thing we noticed when we did the Mean Boys live show. No one brought a friend. Well, his profile picture is like a basket of fruit, so I feel that's okay i'm gonna guess he's fine i'm guessing just yeah i

don't think i don't think we have real nazi fans i think we got a lot of fake if you're a nazi and you like the show yeah stop listening well hang on just stop being a stop doing nazi shit but like keep listening like you can donate to the show on paypal here i thought i here i thought we're gonna have principal and we're like hey don't stop listening we're teaching them to not be nazis shouldn't it what do we want to go into a nazi podcast like no uh are there nazi podcasts i mean there's gotta be probably there's gonna be on this show next week because now i have a sketch idea someday the the mean boys listener meetup is going to be a really frightening cross-section of humanity by the way i'm sorry if you're not a Nazi.

Is there like a hot topic job fair going on? I'm sorry if this guy is just also 28 years old. Anyway, he wants to quit a job. I mean, that's something everyone fantasizes about. I mean, I quit my job. I think you should quit your job. And leave the country. I think you should quit your job. South America has good rent.

At the Jew Stompatorium. Flee to Argentina. Stomp a Jews? Go hang out with all the Mengele grandkids. Sew some twins together. Get a mojito. It'll be great. Argentina is where it's at. Stomp a Jews.

Sorry. I didn't stomp a juice. At Hurricane Jasmine, Jasmine Forsythe asked, what will you do differently in 2017? And are those piglets in that picture? Oh, she's in ISIS. No, I'm kidding. Everybody's a piglet. Those are piglets. You're welcome. Yeah, thank you. And thank you also for saving the piglets.

Yeah, they're small pigs. Pretty cute. You guys gonna do anything different in 2017? I'm just gonna keep just fucking wrecking shit yeah I think that's I got a similar plan

I don't know I'm trying to try to be more confident in myself we're gonna try to keep rocking and rolling as well I'm eating a lot more kale

she is yeah that's all I like that you're hiding behind a microphone cause I'm so thin from the kale I'm gonna eat a bunch of kale I'm gonna suck a bunch of dick and I'm gonna thin from the kale. I'm going to eat a bunch of kale. I'm going to suck a bunch of dicks.

And I'm going to be successful as fuck. I'm glad those dicks are singular. Honestly, that's kind of my plan for 2017. I'm going to suck a bunch of dicks. Team, suck those dicks. Hell yeah. Put on your capes. We're going to need them to wipe up.

Oh my God, I'm getting a dick-sucking cape. Dick-s sucking cape. Dick sucking cape. Da da da da. Oh my god. Flip it around now, it's a bib. I'm a messy baby. It's the Superman logo, like a fucking pentagram, but it just says the prep logo inside. Keith, you had a grinder hookup yesterday.

How was that? You want to tell the listeners? Yeah, it was good. He had a dick and then he put it in my mouth. I don't know.

See, we're already all reaching our goals. Sucking those dicks. I know, yeah. We're all doing so good. My goal and I think I'm going to try to be

just not so forgiving with people. I mean, they're just no, I'm just kidding. I'm trying to be nicer. I'm trying to be nicer, you know, and take, you know, be a little more,

a little more of a cool guy than I was the last year. Well, it's working. Is it working? I think it's, I did it. If it's good, I'm taking credit.

Fair enough. But if it's bad, that's on you, man. Good call. All right. Well, I think that's the podcast for this week. Anyone have anything

they want to plug? Sure do. Sunday night, I'm going to be on motherfucking TV. What? Oh my God. Jeff Ross presents Roast Battle. Sunday night, I'm going to be on motherfucking TV. What? Oh my god! Jeff Ross presents Roast Battle. Comedy Central.

11 o'clock. Watch me and a friend of the show Anna Valenzuela beat each other up. I'm going to, I think be on the next week, it looks like. But we don't really know. Yeah, Connor will either be on this Sunday or next Sunday. It's unclear. Watch it both nights. It's a great television program. It's a great television program. Watch all the other

episodes too. Do I have anything else to plug? Oh, I'll be roast battling Mr. Pat Barker at the World's Famous Comedy Store at midnight on January 17th. And before that, at 8 p.m., we'll be at the Irvine Improv, busting some skits, having some fun. This Friday, I'll be at Miracle Springs Resorts in Palm Springs, telling some jokes for some old fucks. And then Saturday and Sunday, I'll be at Liquid Laughs in Idaho. Yay!

I'll be at Comedy Off-Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky from Friday through Sunday with Steve Rannazzisi. 9-11! And then I'll be at SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida on the 18th,

on a Wednesday. Ooh, tickets going fast. Steve won't be at that one, but they'll say he's going to be there. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, wait, me and Jessica, since I'm a comedy gold digger, we're going to be at Bonkers Comedy Club in Pahrump, Nevada

on January 27th. Pahrump! And also the one in Vegas on the Thursday night before. Yeah. And the weekend before that, I'm in Myrtle Beach at Carolina Comedy Club. Ooh, fancy. Without your ass. Alright, well, I'm going to be a big money at the Virgil on January 19th.

Money, money, money, money. I mean I got other things but they're not shows anyone's coming to. They're not coming to yours either. Alright. Hey man. No, when the Mean Boys fans do come, they don't say hi and then I get a weird like vaguely threatening tweet afterwards saying they had fun. I'm totally fine with that. I saw you last night.

Yeah. I think that's it, shall we? Fuck everything. God is dead. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm